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sihtricfedaraaahvicius · 3 days ago

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warnings: 18+!! smut, fluff & a little angst. mentions of panic attacks/anxiety, kidnapping, alcohol, drugs, addiction, murder and assault.

pairing: Gangster!Sihtric x Psychologist!Reader (f) (no use of Y/N)

summary: You knew it wouldn't be easy when one of the most notorious gangsters in town stepped into your therapy room, but you never expected that you'd have to decide between your mind or following your heart.

word count: 9,6k

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Reblogs & comments are immensely appreciated.

The Intake.

'You look like you don't want to be here.'

'Because I don't.'

You stared at Sihtric, your new patient, who would undoubtedly be a tough nut to crack in the appointments that hopefully followed after his intake. You observed his entire demeanor from the second he entered your therapy room, and it told you everything you needed to know to make up your mind about whether he was in the right place or not.

He sat with his arms crossed, his black t-shirt showing off his toned biceps, and he bit down on his lip as he subtly fidgeted with the rings around tattooed fingers, while he preferred to direct his mismatched eyes at anything but you. His black jeans hugged his muscular legs as he sat with his knees spread, bouncing one rapidly while his black boots were planted firmly on the carpeted floor. His dark curls were long on one side and completely shaved off on the other, which brought out the sharp features of his handsome but slightly scarred face.

He was visibly uncomfortable and reluctant to open up, and he would most likely continue to be so. You didn't need more than two seconds to establish that fact.

'If you don't want to be here, or perhaps feel you don't need to be here, then why did you agree to come?' you asked.

Sihtric shrugged, then finally looked at you again for the first time since you had shook his hand upon welcoming him. 'Isn't that your job to figure out, miss?'

'Not quite,' you smiled politely, 'but it is my job to help you.'

'Help,' Sihtric scoffed lightly, then brought his eyes back to the ceiling again.

You've dealt with countless challenging patients who shared their life stories and struggles with you over time, but you couldn't deny that having Sihtric Kjartansson as a patient was a little nerve wracking, even for an experienced psychologist such as yourself. You knew who he was, but then everyone knew who he was in this town and its neighbouring cities. You knew just like everyone that Sihtric was one of the masterminds behind numerous targeted explosions, robberies, violent attacks, and even a couple of deaths and missing people cases that had occurred in town over the past years, and God knows what else he had been a part of. Everyone knew Sihtric was guilty of the most heinous acts, the problem was just that no one could pin it on him or his fellow gangsters; Uhtred, Finan and Osferth.

People in town weren't necessarily scared of them, but everyone also knew it was best to not create a reason for that either. The gangsters didn't usually come after the regular folk. So if you had no trouble with them, then they would have no trouble with you, and they'd actually be more than willing to help you out here and there if you'd ask them. And they could help with anything, you'd name it. Need a vehicle fixed? Finan would know a guy. Need to loan some money because you're behind on rent? Uhtred would cover you. Need some heaving lifting done around the house? Sihtric was your man. Need to spread the word about that new business you just started? Osferth was on it. However, if you did cross any of the men and ended up on their bad side? Then your days would be numbered. And surely the kind of life Sihtric lived wasn't a very good one when it came to his mental health.

'You've had panic attacks recently, no?' you asked.

Sihtric looked at you and clenched his jaw. He was silent, but his mind was loud as flashbacks hit him immediately. Images of the night on which he was brutally taken from his barstool at the local stripclub months ago still haunted him. Along with his three companions, he was dragged outside the building by masked men and shoved into a van, before they were knocked out with a crowbar. Each time he remembered how he had gained consciousness that night and found himself tied upside down dangling from a tree, alongside his friends, it triggered a panic attack. The same way that he had experienced a panic attack at that very moment itself.

'I don't know if it was panic attacks,' Sihtric lied. His heart was pounding in his chest, his leg bounced faster than before, and he started to become a little lightheaded. 'I mean, yeah, maybe, who knows,' he then said, agitated, 'look, I don't want to get into that right now.'

Osferth was the one who had tried to keep him calm that night, until they were able to escape their slow and horrible deaths. But that night never left him, despite getting away from it alive and rather unharmed physically. The head injuries they all suffered were a concern at first, but after a check up from their private doctor, Eadith, they were declared as healthy as could be. But for Sihtric, it couldn't be further from the truth. The panic attacks kept taking him by surprise ever since, and it became a concern for everyone around him as he became a liability too. But his doctor figured it was a mental problem, so there was nothing she could do except refer him to a psychologist, but you weren't aware of the reason behind all his recent anxiety.

'But that is why you are here, even if you aren't sure what exactly it is that you experience when you feel like that,' you reminded him. 'And it's not just the suspected panic attacks as to why you are here. Your recent compulsion to violence has been a problem too.'

'I don't know what you're talking about,' Sihtric lied again.

'The nightclub incident last weekend?' you hinted, 'it's been all over the news for days, Sihtric.'

He quietly remembered his last violent outburst, only a few nights ago, when a man had bumped into him at a club and spilled his drink all over Sihtric's new shoes. Sihtric had grabbed the unfortunate man by his shirt and punched him in the face, after which he had thrown him over the balcony railing of the first floor on which the incident had occurred. At least, that's the story that was told afterwards by "witnesses". The truth was that Sihric had indeed grabbed and repeatedly punched the man, but he had never thrown him off the balcony. The man had simply stumbled backwards and accidentally fallen over the railing, landing on the dancefloor below and breaking several bones as a result.

'I didn't mean for that to happen.'

'But it happened,' you said, 'why?'

'He spilled his drink all over me.'

'And that was the reason to throw him off a balcony?' your voice remained calm.

'I never threw him,' Sihtric retorted, 'I hit him, yes. But he fell on his own, it was an accident. And he's still alive,' he threw his hands up, 'so what's the big deal?'

'What made you respond the way you did that night?'

'Gods, I don't know,' he sighed, 'alcohol? Drugs? Combination of the two?'

'So you were under influence? And before you answer that, just know that if you were to tell me anything that could incriminate you, I do have to report that to the authorities.'

Sihtric stared at you, his gaze piercing as he carefully contemplated his response.

'I wasn't clear headed,' he confessed with caution, 'but I do know it was an accident.'

'Did you experience a panic attack before or after that moment?'

'No,' he lied, again.

'What did you do after the accident?'

'I went home.'

'Alone?'

'What is this, an interrogation?' he scoffed, 'yes, alone.'

'And how did you feel when you were home that night, by yourself?'

'Sick,' he chuckled, 'I threw up.'

'As a result of a panic attack?'

'As a result of drinking and using too much. Look,' he said and momentarily buried his face in his hands, 'with all due respect, okay, but I don't think therapy will help me with this.'

'You think talking won't help you?'

'It won't.'

'Is that what you truly believe?' you asked, 'or is that what you were always taught to believe?'

Sihtric had no response to that, and he felt his chest tighten while his heart began to race again. He had to get out of the room immediately, because he suddenly felt trapped. He felt the rope tied around his ankles and hands again, cutting into his skin as he desperately tried to get out of it while he hung upside down from that tree. He felt the blood rush to his head again and he became dizzy, his vision blurred while his chest ached, and it seemed as if he just couldn't fill his lungs with the air he needed. And so without a word he got up and stormed out, leaving you behind, confused but not entirely surprised.

One week after intake.

'I'm surprised you came back,' you smiled, 'but also very glad you did.'

Sihtric looked around your therapy room again and, like the first time, struggled to lock eyes with you for unknown reasons. He was dressed in all black again, and this time he wore a leather jacket over his t-shirt. He once again sat with his arms crossed, indicating that despite the fact he had decided to visit you for a second time, he still wasn't willing to fully open up to you. He did seem a little more relaxed this time; he still fidgeted with his rings, but he didn't bounce his knee as rapidly like last time.

'How did you feel after our last meeting?'

Sihtric shrugged for an answer.

'Have you been experiencing anything that resembled a panic attack ever since?'

'No.'

He clearly lied, something you figured would become a usual thing if you didn't address it right away.

'Sihtric,' you said with a soft sigh, 'I am not expecting you to tell me everything about yourself right off the bat. But you've got to work with me if you decide to come here. I need you to stop lying-'

'I'm not lying.'

'I know you are,' you said calmly, 'and you need to stop that. I can't help you if you continue to lie. There is no shame in coming here. There is no shame in needing help. And there is no shame in telling the truth either. But you've got to start telling me the truth.'

Sihtric looked at you, a faint blush settled on his cheeks when he realised you saw right through him, and he felt embarrassed. You noticed his embarrassment as he quietly stared at the carpet beneath his boots, and you gave him a moment to readjust himself.

'Why don't you start by telling me about your past?' you suggested, 'what was it like when you were growing up?'

'I'm sure you know as much about that as everyone else does in this town.'

'I want to hear it from you,' you said, 'I want to hear how you experienced growing up.'

'Well, it sucked,' Sihtric said with a light chuckle, masking the bitter feelings he still felt when thinking about it, 'my mother died giving birth to me, and my father never wanted to acknowledge me as his son because my mother was his mistress. One of many, actually,' he shook his head disapprovingly, 'although he couldn't quite abandon me apparently, he didn't care to look after me much either. We all know he ran an empire of shady business, he did things I definitely don't approve of either, but he did eventually give me jobs as I grew up. The fucked up jobs though, only Sven got the fun jobs,' he almost mumbled, 'but me? For me it was cleaning up the literal mess after a deal went wrong, and burying the people they had killed as a result. We all know about that, we all know what he did, but I was the one cleaning it up for him. In public he'd ignore me and in private he'd assault me. My father was a piece of shit right up until the day that he died. So, yeah, I don't feel incredibly warm and fuzzy when I think about my childhood.'

'How did you feel when your father died?'

'Better,' Sihtric said, 'for a moment. I learned that the joy of watching him die was only momentary, while the pain of what he did to me never left, nor did the scars.'

'You served time for your involvement in his murder, correct?'

'I did.'

'What was that like?'

'I'm not looking to go back to prison,' Sihtric said with a faint smile, 'but at least I didn't have to worry about my father or my stepbrother anymore. I only served a couple of years anyway,' he shrugged, 'the only thing the scars on my body were good for was to get a reduced sentence, as part of why I was involved with his death was seen as a trauma response.'

'Do you believe it was a trauma response?'

'Maybe, I don't know.'

'Do you still struggle with your past?'

'Not as much,' Sihtric said, 'it's been a long time ago, and I ended up doing well for myself.'

'By stepping into your father's shoes in a way?' you chuckled lightly.

Sihtric laughed softly at that; a gentle and joyful sound that caught you by surprise and made your heart flutter. It was the first time you saw him truly smile for a brief moment.

'Didn't you say that I can incriminate myself here?' he smiled almost slyly as he looked at you.

'You don't have to go into detail,' you smiled and felt yourself blush under his gaze, 'I'm aware of the stories about you, but I am not the person who is here to judge you, as I also don't know what is true and what isn't. And I don't need to know that either, as long as we can have honest and open conversations about the things that you struggle with. I want to get to the roots of those panic attacks and violent outbursts you've experienced as of late, so I can help you cope and overcome them. That is all I want, really, I am not looking to get you into trouble.'

'You sure about that?' he asked, still smiling as he titled his head slightly sideways while he bit down on his lip.

'I…,' you chuckled, a little flustered, 'just, eh, tell me if you have been experiencing stress lately for example?'

'Stress? You have no idea.'

'Tell me, if you can.'

'My ex-wife is an example,' he said, followed by a deep sigh, 'I want nothing to do with her anymore, but she keeps finding ways to contact me.'

'What does she want?'

'Money.'

'Do you give her money?'

'Yes,' he admitted, 'only in the hope that she'll leave me alone, because I know she won't stop calling or ringing my doorbell until I answer and give her some cash. She's a whore and an addict, and I'm sorry to say that, but it's the truth. And for some reason I'm still her emergency contact, so every time she overdoses or does some other stupid shit that lands her in the hospital or gets her arrested, I'm the one who gets the call and has to fix it.'

'So you feel responsible for her?'

'I am responsible for her.'

'What makes you think that?'

'Well,' Sihtric scoffed, but then stopped talking as he realised what you were trying to say.

He knew he wasn't actually responsible for her, but because she had no one else, he somehow just accepted the burden he had never quite agreed to. And he didn't really know why he had allowed that to drag on for many years after the divorce.

'Sihtric,' you said, 'I can tell that deep down you are a good person, and you want to look after people. But I'm sure others are aware of that too, like your ex, and she most likely just takes advantage of that. If she is a big cause of stress, then you have to limit her presence in your life for your own wellbeing. Maybe stop giving her money when she stops by, or stop taking that emergency call. It won't be easy, I know that, but it's a start and I suggest we try that and go from here. You are not her caregiver, and acting like one isn't helping you or your own health.'

'You were right,' Sihtric smiled, 'cutting off my ex has been liberating.'

Two weeks after intake.

'I am happy to hear that,' you said, 'that's great news.'

Sihtric continued to smile at you, and this time he rested both his hands on his knees, faintly drumming some mindless rhythm with his fingertips.

'How are you feeling today?'

'Better,' he smiled, 'and how are you?'

'Oh,' you chuckled, 'I believe that is the first time you asked me. I am good, thank you. You seem calmer today, and more willing to be here.'

'I am, I guess.'

'I am happy to hear that. I'd like to know what it felt like when you decided to limit contact with your ex.'

'I felt guilty at first,' Sihtric said quietly, his smile slowly fading, 'and I still do sometimes. I don't want her to get hurt or get into trouble, but trying to keep her on track is exactly why we divorced, because I can't fix her. I tried that when we were married and I failed. I failed as a husband.'

'You feel like you failed as a husband?'

'Yeah, I do,' he said, 'you're supposed to always be there for someone when you marry them. But she just lost her way and I couldn't help her. I… I wasn't enough of a reason for her to stay sober, to stay clean, or to even try to stay away from that shit. She loved the drugs more than she loved me,' he shrugged lightly, 'so after what you told me last week, I try to remind myself every day that I am not the one who should take care of her. And I also realised that by giving her money I am just supporting her addiction, which gets her into trouble, it's just a vicious circle and I see that now.'

'You did the right thing. It sounds like you've made some great progress already, Sihtric. And I am proud of you,' you said, and you swore you saw a hopeful glimmer in his eyes as he looked at you. 'So, since our last conversation,' you continued, 'have you been dealing with any violent outbursts or panic attacks? Or anything else that caused you to feel stressed?'

Sihtric hummed softly as if deep in thought, but the memory of how he had threatened someone with a knife a few nights ago was not buried that deep. He had bumped into Haesten in the street, who was another notorious name in the city. Sihtric, not entirely clear headed that night, believed Haesten could be part of the crew who had kidnapped him and his friends, tying them upside down on a tree and leaving them for death. Sihtric wanted some answers, and he hoped that shoving a knife in Haesten's face would do the trick, but the man swore he didn't know anything. Instead, Haesten wanted to make a deal, and he promised Sihtric he'd ask around and find out whoever tried to get them killed and why. Sihtric agreed to that, but once back home he experienced another panic attack on his own as the memories of that brutal kidnapping haunted him once again. That and the fact that he had to constantly watch his back after the failed murder attempt kept him on edge at all times, but he wasn't going to tell you about all of that. Not yet, at least.

'Hmm,' Sihtric then shrugged, 'no, things have been calm. Nothing weird happened.'

'That sounds unrealistic in your life,' you chuckled, 'but if that is your final answer?'

'It is my final answer,' he smiled, 'things have been fine.'

'Good,' you said, 'that is good, I'm happy to hear that.'

'What do you do for fun?' Sihtric suddenly asked.

'What do you mean?'

'You know, when you don't work,' he said, 'you go out during the weekends? Are you single?'

'I- I… don't see how this is relevant, Sihtric.'

'Come on,' he probed, 'I have to sit here and tell you all about me, while I know nothing about you.'

'Well,' you said with a soft sigh, knowing he wasn't going to let this go easily, 'yes, I am single, and yes I also enjoy going to a club every now and then.'

'So… if I'd bump into you on a night out,' Sihtric said, quite cautiously, 'would you let me buy you a drink?'

'Sihtric,' you weakly protested, 'I… that's… these are not things we should discuss in therapy.'

'You ever been with a Dane before?' he smiled slyly.

'Excuse me?' you half scoffed, 'Sihtric, you do realise I am your psychologist, right?'

'But only in this room, right?'

'Right…,' you hesitated, 'listen, I suggest that for the upcoming appointments we keep our conversations a little more professional, okay?'

Sihtric laughed, albeit a little disappointed, and he then decided to drop it. But the fact you didn't tell him to 'get fucked' right away proved that you weren't entirely against the idea of having a drink with him, and that pleased him.

You continued to meet Sihtric weekly, even after his somewhat inappropriate remark, and it seemed he never shied away from flirting again during the appointments that followed. You weren't fully onboard with it, having to remain professional, but you also weren't wholly opposed either. Sihtric was handsome, more than that even, and in a different setting you wouldn't have brushed off his advances so easily.

Sihtric lingered on your mind day and night, long after each appointment was over, and it gnawed at you. The way he gazed at you, the way he smiled at you, the way he subtly licked or bit down on his lip whenever you spoke to him. You remember his scent and the feeling of his warm hands shaking yours whenever he greeted you. He was just so kind and funny, smart too and sweet as well, it was impossible to not swoon over him the more you got to know him. And yet, even after all your conversations, he still remained somewhat of an enigma, which only added to your interest…

But you also knew better than to get romantically involved with a criminal such as Sihtric, because it wouldn't be your first rodeo. And yet you just couldn't quite forget him. And neither could he.

Sihtric had struggled to admit it at first, but he gradually began to see and feel the progress he had made ever since he started opening up to you during the appointments. But more than that, the initial attraction he had felt upon seeing you grew stronger with every week that passed, and he wanted more. He needed more, because he couldn't get enough. Just seeing you and talking to you was not enough to quiet his cravings for you. He wanted to touch you, to kiss you, to taste you and feel you. He wanted to explore every inch of your body, worshipping you, protecting you, and above all wanting to make love to you.

But beside the primal urges you brought out in him, there was a softness to his feelings too. He felt calm and safe around you, something he hadn't felt for most of his life, and he wanted to cling onto that feeling forever, for as long as he could, but he was also terrified that those safe feelings might just disappear someday. Because everything good he had experienced in his life had never been long lasting.

So when you broke the news to him after a few months of seeing each other in your therapy room that you were taking three weeks off from work, he felt the tell-tale symptoms of a panic attack, and he couldn't hide it no matter how hard he tried.

You calmed him down that appointment, reassuring him that you weren't leaving for good and that there was always an emergency number he could text if he needed to. All of that did ease his mind, and downing a glass of cold water helped too. But it didn't repair the crack in his heart which would only continue to splinter further during the weeks he didn't get to see you…

But as fate would have it, you ran into each other two weeks into your time off.

You loved your job, but every once in a while you needed a couple of weeks away from your office to blow off some steam yourself. You'd go clubbing every weekend and eat in fancy restaurants almost every night, enjoying the company of your friends or sometimes even just by yourself. You weren't one to book expensive and far away trips, you always just enjoyed the busy nightlife your own beautiful city had to offer, and this time was no different.

You'd gotten drunk numerous times already with your friends, waking up with a terrible hangover only to repeat it all again the next night. But after a week of doing so, your body demanded a more healthy approach, and so you listened. You still went out every night, but you minded your alcohol consumption and avoided getting drunk, most of the nights at least.

And just when you had decided to stay sober again one particular night, you bumped into Sihtric while being in the most popular club in town with your friends, and that's exactly when you could've used a drink to calm your nerves.

Due to your job confidentiality, you couldn't tell your friends that Sihtric was your patient. And luckily they were too drunk and out partying on the dancefloor when you bumped into him, in a more quiet corridor after a brief visit to the toilets to check your hair and make-up after a few hours of dancing. You were stunned to see him, and he looked better than ever. He was dressed in dark grey jeans with his signature black boots underneath, and he wore a black blouse which was only half buttoned up. You caught a glimpse of his muscular chest and immediately had to avert your eyes before you'd start drooling, but when you looked up into his eyes and saw the hint of eyeliner, you felt light headed regardless.

'Miss me so much you came to see me?' Sihtric smiled, his hand lingering on your arm after he withheld you from tripping over your own feet when you had collided with him.

'Sure,' you chuckled, not pulling away but nervously adjusting your short black cocktail dress, 'how was I supposed to know you would be here?'

'Well, I own this place, so… you know,' he shrugged with a flirty smile.

'What?' your eyes grew wide, 'I- I swear I didn't know that. I thought you owned that stripclub down the street, not this place?'

'Relax,' he laughed, 'I'm only playing. I do own this place though, and I own that stripclub too, yes. But what brings you here then, just a night out?'

'I'm on my holidays, remember?' you laughed, a little nervously, 'so, yeah, I'm just out with some friends.'

'You friends?' he looked around the now empty hallway, 'where are they?'

'Somewhere on the dancefloor,' you shrugged, 'why?'

'Well,' Sihtric smiled and leaned his shoulder against the dark wall as he towered over you, 'I was hoping that maybe I could buy you that drink now, since we're both here, you know?'

'Sihtric,' you stammered, 'I… I don't know if that's a good idea-'

'I know you're my psychologist,' he sighed and took your hands, 'but you're not working and we're not in your therapy room. So right now I'm just a guy asking a beautiful lady to have a drink, that's all.'

You visibly contemplated his words and his offer. You knew he was right, you weren't working right now. But you also knew that you shouldn't join him for a drink, because you knew you liked him a little too much for your own good, and he was still a patient after all.

'Come on,' he playfully tugged your hands as he still held them, 'what's the worst thing that could happen? That you fall in love with me, hm?' he said with a cocky grin.

'Oh, shut up,' you giggled, then sighed, 'fine, one drink.'

'One drink is all I'm asking for.'

'So, how have you been?'

'Are you asking as my psychologist or as my date?' Sihtric said with a smug face.

He looked at you as you sat next to him, at a more private table where you could talk without being interrupted by people or overpowered by the music. The place was dimly lit, but the club lights were bright enough to still see each other rather clearly. And the way Sihtric looked at you as he leaned in, with one arm on the backrest of the red couch you sat back on, made you instantly blush and all weak inside.

'I'm asking as your date,' you said, feigning confidence.

'So everything I say is off the records then?'

'Everything that is not discussed in therapy is off the records, Sihtric.'

He nodded slowly and took a sip from his drink. He didn't want to lie to you or withhold things, but he also didn't want to scare you away, so he contemplated exactly how honest he could be with you about anything at all.

'I have been alright,' he said after a moment, then hesitated before he said, 'I've been thinking of you, actually.'

'Oh, have you?'

'I have,' Sihtric smiled softly, 'and I'm happy to see you.'

He briefly brushed his fingers against your bare shoulder, and when you didn't flinch or move away, he scooted even closer, leaving barely any space between the two of you. You inhaled his pleasant scent as you tried to relax, leaning slightly into him while his arm remained around your shoulders, although barely touching you. Only every now and then you felt the warmth of his fingers trace across your exposed neck and shoulders, and your breath hitched in your throat each time.

'Well, if we're being honest,' you said as you looked at your sparkling water on the table, 'I'm happy to see you too.'

'I am happy to hear that,' Sihtric said, 'you look nice,' he quickly eyed you up, 'that dress looks good on you.'

'Thank you,' you blushed, 'you look nice too.'

Sihtric smiled at the way he had you flustered, and he downed the rest of his drink while he kept his eyes on you.

'Not been getting in any trouble then?' you chuckled.

'Trouble? Nah,' he clicked his tongue, 'I swear I've been a good boy, darling,' he winked.

'Such a good boy,' you breathed without thinking, completely smitten, and luckily it was inaudible to him.

'What was that, darling?' he leaned in.

'G-good… day,' you cleared your throat and collected yourself again, 'have you had a good day?'

'Oh,' Sihtric smiled, 'yeah, my day's good now,' he moved his arm to rest around your neck, 'now that you're here that is.'

You found yourself leaning closer, comfortably nestled into his side while he kept his arm around your neck as you continued the conversation. You completely forgot about the time and your friends, and only when you checked your phone did you notice that hours had passed already. Your friends had left you multiple texts, asking where you are and saying how they eventually went home without you.

'Everything alright?' Sihtric asked as you typed away.

'Yeah, sorry. I didn't realise how long we were talking, my friends were worried about me so I'm just answering them now.'

'Are they still here?'

'No, they left about an hour ago it seems. We were supposed to share a ride home,' you sighed, 'but it's okay, it's my bad, I'll just grab a cab myself when I leave.'

'Nah, I'll drive you home, don't worry about it.'

'Are you sober enough to drive?'

'Darling,' Sihtric laughed, 'I'm only here tonight because I was kind of working, so I've been drinking the same sparkling water as you when I decided to stay longer after bumping into you.'

'Oh,' you chuckled, 'I didn't pay much attention to that, sorry.'

'Then what did you pay attention to?'

'I don't know,' you shrugged shyly.

You weren't going to reveal how all you did for hours was stare at him in subtle ways. Like whenever he spoke to you, you gazed into his eyes and found yourself lost in them. And whenever he briefly looked around the club, your eyes trailed from his sharp jaw to his neck, watching his Adam's apple bop as he swallowed, and then your eyes would go down to his half exposed chest where they lingered until he looked back at you again. You couldn't tell him how you had looked at his veiny arms and hands while he had rolled up his sleeves, and how you wondered what it would feel like if those arms were wrapped tightly around you, with one hand around your throat while he pleased you with his other. You squeezed your legs together under the table, in desperate need of some good friction that you just couldn't seem to find. But before you got yourself completely worked up, your eyes landed on a man at the bar who you knew all too well, and that surely killed your mood instantly.

'Oh, shit,' you hissed and quickly looked down, attempting to hide your face.

'What?'

'My ex,' you explained.

Sihtric looked up, not even trying to be subtle, and he spotted the man you clearly had to be talking about; Aethelred, kingpin and royal asshole of a neighbouring city.

'No way,' Sihtric couldn't contain his laughter, 'that is an ex of yours?'

'Yeah, well, we've all made mistakes,' you made a face, 'it's been many years, okay?'

'Lady,' he laughed, 'no offense, but you sure have questionable taste in men for a psychologist.'

'Well, what can I say,' you laughed too, 'maybe I like to try and fix them.'

'Is that it?'

'Sure,' you rolled your eyes with a smile.

'Hm,' Sihtric hummed, 'I see. So,' he leaned in again, 'you want to try and fix me too then?'

You looked up at him, finding yourself drawing nearer and nearer to the handsome man who you should stay far away from for several reasons.

'Sihtric…,' you whispered.

'Tell me,' he whispered, his warm breath touched your lips as he spoke, 'would you fix me if you could?'

'Maybe,' you said softly, 'I would.'

And then, without thinking or even trying to hold back, your lips crashed with his into a long and needy yet gentle kiss. Everything around you drowned out when you felt his warm hand cup your jaw as he kissed you. And you couldn't stop your own hands from settling onto his torso, slowly sliding up his blouse until you felt the skin of his hot and bare chest underneath your fingertips. And even after the kiss was broken, neither of you moved away from each other.

'So,' Sihtric whispered, his lips still faintly touching yours while he lightly caressed your cheek with his thumb, 'should I drive you home?' he smiled and kissed you softly again, 'or can I drive you home with me?'

Despite being sober, it still felt as if your world was spinning when Sihtric held your hand as you both left the club through the back exit. He walked you to his fancy car, where he kissed you deeply before he opened the door for you, and you felt breathless as you watched him walk over to the driver's seat.

'Go straight home,' he said and looked at you with a grin, 'or commit some felonies first, darling?'

'Sihtric!' you gasped and playfully slapped his arm, 'don't you start now.'

'Just asking,' he shrugged with a sly smile and kissed your hand after you had slapped him, and he then started the car.

'Geeze,' you chuckled as you entered Sihtric's gated property, 'you could've told me that you had a pool, I would've brought my bikini.'

'It's too cold out tonight, sweetheart,' he smiled as he held your hand and led you with him to his mansion, 'but I got an inside pool we could use.'

'Are you serious?'

'Yeah, if you're up for it.'

You followed Sihtric inside and, despite knowing you shouldn't have gone home with him, you finally surrendered to yourself and gave in. Because you were off work now, so why wouldn't you take your chances with a man everyone lusted after, and indulge in his riches for maybe one night only? If a gorgeous man who was dressed rather slutty offered you to join him at his inside pool, what kind of a fool would one be to refuse that offer? Sure, Sihtric could be dangerous, and you knew being seen with him came with possible risks too, but it still felt right for some reason. Nothing about being in his presence that night had made you feel unsafe, it was in fact the best night so far you've had in years, and you weren't ready to part with it yet.

'Champagne?' Sihtric asked as he held up a bottle from his fridge.

'Why not?' you shrugged, amused as you took in his ridiculously fancy kitchen.

'That's my girl,' he smiled and grabbed two glasses.

He then placed his hand on the small of your back as he walked you through his massive home, and you already pictured yourself living there. You rolled your eyes at your own thoughts, because what were you even thinking? Living with this guy? A gangster? You knew it was wrong, but you could practically see yourself walk down the aisle with him at this point. You blamed it on the kiss you had shared, in the club and outside of his car, because that's when you decided to ignore the walking red flag that he is. Or at least, you had convinced yourself that he wasn't a red flag romantically though.

'Don't be shy now,' Sihtric said as you both stood next to the pool, and he pulled you closer, 'help me?' he asked, flashing you his best puppy dog eyes, which worked wonders on you, and he brought your hands up to unbutton his blouse.

'Not much left to unbutton,' you taunted as you slowly opened his blouse further.

'Didn't hear you complain about it before,' he said and circled one arm loosely around your waist.

'Who said I'm complaining now?'

You gave him a cheeky smile while a blush coloured your cheeks, and your heart was beating in your throat once you witnessed the sight of his bare torso. He was muscular beyond words, in perfect shape and proportion to say the least. He threw his blouse on one of the pool chairs behind him while he kept his arm circled around your waist, and he pulled you closer again as he turned back to you.

'Help me?' you asked in return, and you turned around so he could unzip your dress.

'Not much to take off,' Sihtric teased back, brushing his lips over your neck as he slowly pulled down the zipper.

'Didn't hear you complain before either.'

Sihtric chuckled softly in your ear, then slid his fingers under the thin shoulder straps of your dress, and slowly lowered them as he peppered your neck with soft open-mouthed kisses. You closed your eyes and smiled, leaning your head back against his chest while your dress slid down your body and pooled around your feet. You were left in your matching lingerie set, one you weren't expecting anyone to see any time soon, but you were more than happy that it was Sihtric who was the one who laid eyes on you like that.

You turned to face Sihtric and leaned into him, kissing his lips lightly while you slowly unbuttoned his jeans. And once he was left in only his form fitting boxers, and had taken off the knife he always kept strapped around his ankle, he picked you up in his arms and carried you into the warm pool while he continued to kiss you. Your lips only left each other's when he pulled away to open the bottle of champagne, pouring you both a glass and consuming it in between kisses, which gradually became needier and deeper as time passed and the bottle emptied further. You weren't drunk though, neither was Sihtric, and yet you were both completely relaxed and calm as if you were someplace out of this world while you embraced and kissed and teased as the warm water surrounded you, and it was blissful.

But still, you couldn't entirely ignore who you were with once Sihtric pulled you in his lap as he laid back on his pool chair. He draped a soft towel around your shoulders, and then pulled you in for another long, deep and gentle kiss. Your mind went completely quiet every time you felt his facial hair brush against your face, and with each slow stroke of his tongue against yours did you drift further. You raked your hands through his hair as you straddled him, kissing him deeply and longing for more while his hands roamed your body, but you were interrupted when suddenly his phone rang.

'I'm sorry,' he said softly as he took his phone, 'I have to take this. But… don't stop, okay?'

'Okay,' you smiled and pecked his lips, then went to kiss his jaw and neck as he answered the call.

You continued to kiss your way down while he mindlessly slid his hand up your neck and tangled his fingers in your hair, as you kissed down to his shoulders and his chest. Then down to his abs, only to trail your lips back up his muscular body again while you occasionally heard his breath hitch softly in his throat, and you listened to him speak while you kissed his broad shoulders again.

'Have you?' Sihtric asked the caller, 'what's the motive?' a short pause, 'and you are sure he's responsible? I mean, you found the masks and the rope, all that?' he paused again as his caller responded. 'Text me the address, and I'll take care of it. I'll owe you,' he said, and then hung up.

He tossed his phone on the chair next to him and immediately brought his attention back to you, pulling your lips to his again for another sweet kiss.

'Sorry about that, baby,' Sihtric whispered, and despite his efforts, he seemed a little distraught all of the sudden.

'Everything alright?' you asked, the vague phone call reminding you once again who you were dealing with.

'Nothing you should ever worry about,' he smiled and leaned in to kiss you again, but you stopped him.

'Sihtric,' you whispered, 'we… maybe we shouldn't, you know?'

'Why not?' he asked, his voice soft and smooth but with a hint of surprise, 'please don't give me that psychologist crap again. We both know you are your own boss, you have to answer to no one, so me being your patient shouldn't be a problem.'

'Maybe,' you smiled faintly, 'but it's not just that. We both know you're not good for me.'

'And that's where you are wrong, baby,' he said as he looked up at you, his eyes somewhat vulnerable, 'because I promise I'll be really good for you. I'm not a bad guy, you know? Not the way everyone thinks I am at least.'

'I know, but… I can't ignore a call like that. Masks? Rope? You'll take care of it? Take care of what, Sihtric? I noticed the way you tensed up, is this part of what caused you to have those panic attacks?'

'Fuck,' he mumbled to himself and pinched the bridge of his nose, 'alright, look, I really like you, okay? And I want no secrets between us. So, if you really want to know why I started going to therapy, then I'll tell you right now. But it's off the record, yeah?'

You agreed that nothing he would tell you in that moment would ever be used against him by you, as you had no right to do so. And so he finally told you all about that night he and the others got dragged out of the stripclub. It wasn't easy for him to talk about it, but feeling you close and holding you in his arms while he remembered everything again was enough to keep him from slipping into a full panic attack.

'They tied us up and left us for death,' Sihtric said, rather calmly, 'but we managed to get away. And ever since I've been trying to find who was responsible. Because I can't rest knowing that someone's out there trying to kill me. Because people like me, when we want someone dead, we don't just stop after one failed attempt. So I know they're coming back for us, and I wanted to be ahead of them.'

You listened carefully to every word he spoke, and you fought your tears as you realised he wasn't even supposed to be breathing anymore. You realised you were never supposed to meet each other, and yet you had. And you believed that meant something, that something bigger and greater than the two of you had been the cause of him surviving the assault and ending up in your therapy room. And all of that led up to walking into him on your time off.

'You know who did it?' you asked.

'I do now,' Sihtric nodded, 'yes. Last summer there was an explosion in a pub after it was closed early in the morning.'

'I remember that,' you said with a soft gasp, 'it belonged to some guy, what's his name, Cnut?'

'You're right, that's his name. We did a deal with him and he didn't hold up his end of the deal, owing us a lot of money and causing a shit ton of trouble. So we decided to send a message.'

'By blowing up his pub?' your eyes grew wide, 'wait, you blew up that pub?'

'I never said I did, darling,' a soft smile tugged at his lips, 'I just said we sent him a message. However, things didn't go as planned, and we later learned that Cnut's two sons were still at the pub that morning, and they got injured. That was never supposed to happen, but shit happens. And, well, turns out Cnut wanted to send a message back to us after that.'

'By killing you?' you scoffed.

Sihtric shrugged but didn't respond otherwise.

'And what? Now you're going to kill him?'

'I didn't say that.'

'Sihtric, I'm not stupid.'

'Listen,' he leaned in and cupped your face, 'I told you about what's going on, and everything I told you is all you'll ever need to know, okay? You should never worry about what I do and the things I don't tell you, because it's better if you don't know about some things.'

You sighed softly, and it was all you could do. You knew Sihtric came with a whole lot of baggage and risks, and yet you had still decided to go home with him.

'Trust me?' Sihtric whispered as he looked into your eyes.

'I shouldn't,' you said, 'should I?'

'I will never hurt you,' he said and nuzzled your nose softly, 'I would never put you at risk. I just want to love you, but only if you trust me enough to do so.'

'I'm just afraid that if I trust you there's no going back.'

'Then don't go back, baby. You don't have to go back,' he kissed your hands, 'just stay here with me.'

You knew you had already crossed a line there was no coming back from, and if you were honest with yourself, you didn't even want to go back even if you could. So instead of grabbing your belongings and leaving, you kissed him and allowed him to carefully pick you up and lay you down on the chair. He lowered himself down on top of you, positioning his strong body between your thighs while he enveloped you with his arms, kissing you gently as he held you as close as was physically possible without removing your underwear, for now.

You allowed yourself to let him quiet your mind again, drowning in his kiss and savouring the taste and touch of his lips and tongue while you made out passionately. Sihtric then kissed down your neck at a slow pace, lowering one bra strap to kiss your shoulder, but never fully exposing you. Because contrary to popular belief, and despite his violent outbursts and his rugged and muscular look which was rather deceiving; Sihtric wasn't about being rough with a lady of interest. Instead he was a refined and gentle man, as well as a very tender and passionate lover, which you were about to find out.

He slowly kissed down your body, eager but never in a hurry to get to his favourite part though, because it wasn't only about him. He wanted you to enjoy it as much as he knew he would. So he calmly dragged his lips further down, to your hips, and he politely removed your panties before he kissed up the inside of your thighs while he slowly caressed your legs with his warm hands.

'You good with this?' he murmured as he came back up to steal another kiss.

'Mhm,' you hummed, with your eyes heavy lidded and your cheeks all warm, 'you can do anything you want.'

You surprised yourself with those words, but you meant each and every one of them. Because never before did you feel so desired by a man and comfortable at the same time, and you just wanted to surrender entirely to him.

'But,' you added, 'nothing… too rough, okay? I haven't been with someone in a while and-'

'Shh,' Sihtric hushed you, 'I got you, nothing rough. No problem, darling,' he teasingly flicked his tongue against your parted lips, 'just relax for me, yeah?' he said with a sly smile before he kissed you again.

He then kissed his way down your body again, painstakingly slow, making sure to leave not much of your skin untouched by his lips and tongue as he made his way back between your thighs. And there he teased you for a moment, brushing his lips lightly against your sweet spot and allowing you to feel his facial hair tickle you in the most pleasant ways, leaving you almost breathless with anticipation.

He then hooked his arms around your thighs, loosely and relaxed instead of holding you in a firm grip, and he then finally kissed your folds and gently parted them with his tongue as he gradually delved in further. Sihtric made you a gasping and moaning mess in a matter of seconds, simply driving you crazy with the slow and long strokes of his tongue and the way he kissed and sucked you so carefully and sweetly. He got you close to the edge so many times in the span of a few long minutes, but he wasn't ready for it to be done yet, because he himself enjoyed the act of going down on you more than you'd ever know. So each time he felt you were close and became sensitive, he'd pull away, only take your hand in his while he went to kiss and suck the inside of your thighs, leaving love bites in his wake before returning back to pleasuring you in ways only he ever could. And you knew right then that you would never want any other man in your life anymore, it was only Sihtric for you.

He continued to please and tease you for what felt like at least half an hour. Your mind had gone entirely blank, the quietness was so perfect, and all you could do was mumble under your breath whenever you weren't moaning for him. And he made you cum twice that way, with your legs trembling on his back and one hand tangled in his curls, while your other held his hand tightly through your climax.

'Are you good, my darling?' Sihtric whispered after pushing himself back up, gently holding your face.

'Yeah,' you breathed with a dazed smile, 'more than good,' you chuckled and kissed his lips. 'But you,' you then whispered and trailed your hands down his body, 'you haven't been pleased yet.'

'You don't understand how much it pleases me to please you,' he smiled, 'don't worry about me, okay?' he pushed a strand of hair behind your ear, 'All I need to know is if you've had enough for today, or if you got a little more in you.'

'Give me a moment,' you said, 'I just need a moment to recover.'

'No rush,' Sihtric said and kissed your neck and shoulders again, 'take all the time you need, I'm not going anywhere. Tell me what you want, baby?'

'You, Sihtric. I want you.'

'You'll have me,' he cooed, 'don't you worry about that, love.'

He kissed you sweetly yet sloppily until you had recovered from your previous highs. And after he had taken off his own underwear, he gently used his fingers to stretch and prepare you for what would be the longest, slowest, deepest and most passionate fuck you ever had in your life.

He fucked you so unhurried, it drove you mad, your nails often clawing at his back while you begged him to give you more, but not once would he falter or change his pace. He knew what he was doing, because he had been wanting to for so long, so he made the most impassioned love to you for as long as you could last. His slow and deep strokes pushed you close to your edge ever so often, but never entirely over it until he decided to do so. No matter how you begged him for it, he was the one in charge of your release.

Sihtric kissed you with such care and so much love while he pleasured you in all the right ways, you never knew it was possible to fall for someone just like that, but you knew you had. You wrapped your arms around his neck to pull him closer, burying your face in the crook of his neck as you held him tightly, and you hooked your legs around his waist. He pressed his body firmer onto yours as he continued to fuck you ever so slowly, whispering sweet nothings in your ear as he had his arms wrapped around you as well.

'That's it,' he breathed, feeling you tighten around his length with each stroke, 'gods, you're perfect. You feel so good, taking me so fucking well, darling.'

'Please,' you begged, tears pricked in your eyes as you couldn't hold on much longer, 'please, just let me-'

'Shh, I will,' Sihtric whispered and smiled, then kissed your lips as he picked up his pace, but only slightly, 'you can let go now,' he moaned softly against your lips, 'I want you to cum for me, sweetheart.'

And so you finally did, letting out an almost pathetic cry of relief when you finally finished for a third time that night, and you felt him cum deep inside you only seconds later. You held onto each other tightly for a little while, relishing in each other's touch, scent and taste, kissing each other whenever you weren't roaming your warm and glistening bodies by hand as you came down from your highs.

'Hey,' Sihtric frowned as he saw you slip back into your dress, 'where are you going?'

He watched you from his bed, shirtless and dressed in only some grey sweatpants after he had taken a shower in his ensuite bathroom, and there had waited for you to freshen yourself up too.

'Eh, home?' you said, a little confused.

'Oh,' he sat up, visibly disappointed, 'are you… I mean, are you sure? I'll drive you home if you want to but, you know,' he chuckled, 'I make really good breakfast.'

You smiled as you looked at him. You knew he wanted to ask you to stay the night, but for some reason he seemed too shy to ask.

'Sihtric,' you said, 'if there's something you want to say then-'

'Please,' he interrupted and got up from the bed, 'stay? I'd… I want you to stay, please. I mean, I- I like having you around. You make me feel calm, I guess. And, you know, I'm into you and all that,' he mumbled.

'Fine,' you chuckled and walked up to him, pushing yourself up your tiptoes to wrap your arms around his neck, 'I'll stay, if you make me that breakfast. And also,' you said, 'if we continue this, seeing each other I mean, then I can't be your psychologist anymore. It would be too much of a mess.'

'Baby,' Sihtric smiled and kissed you, 'I won't need a psychologist once I take care of my problem, which will be soon. I just need you by my side, that's all. And I promise,' he traced your lips with his thumb, 'you can fix me.'

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