#{ Hope: The Ignorant Angel Main Verse }

[kitxkatrp]

Tag Dump 57

[randomeeveelutions]

5. What is the most difficult thing about writing your current muse?

I'm the Captain Now.

For brevity's sake I'll avoid discussing any of the guys I RP exclusively on Discord and go over like the main three I do on tumblr! Soooo

With Rind it can be a bit tricky trying to find a good transition between her snarky and rude personality that she takes when she first meets new people and her nicer, more trusting self that has a good sized soft spot. She isn't going to start off an angel, but there's should be some way to give her a little ray of hope so any new muses she meets don't immediately write her off as a lost cause. There's also the whole thing about talking pokemon. It isn't an issue in PMD Verse/Fantasy settings where the animals and creatures just talk and its normal, but in normal verses I just like to... Ignore that issue and hope no one notices lol

Mint is a weird character in that her usual situation is quite remote. As in, if you're meeting Mint your character has to contrive a reason to be exploring a jungle. Unless she gets kidnapped, moved, or bonds with someone over the course of a thread that's just where she is.

Galacta Knight has a mean personality and a lot of trust issues to deal with. I'd like to write some more of the old knight defrosting but I'm afraid it can be a bit of a process and the last thing I'd want my character development to be is a chore for the other player. Kind of similar to Rind actually, but Galacta is a walking threat to life itself while Rind is a plucky kid who eats newspapers sometimes. They are not the same haha

[mccnlightjelly]

*ੈ  ♡ ‧₊˚ primary muses

arlo cho - he/him - early to mid 20's - portrayed by park wonbin a rebellious & thrill-seeking young man who is constantly the bane of his mother's existence. definitely has his father's temper & anger issues; doesn't care who he hurts with his words when emotions run high. born with all the luxuries in the world but despises them all, choosing to spend most of his days racing expensive cars & selling drugs to the elite members of society. harbors an unhealthy resentment towards his neglectful but ridiculously wealthy parents. acts out in a desperate attempt for attention, but will die before admitting to it. stoic & aloof but has the softest spot for animals. gentle & kind if someone's made the effort in chipping away at the forcefully hardened exterior. au's: royal verse - demi-god verse - devilman verse

elliot hwang - he/him  - early 20's - portrayed by choi beomgyu a university student who was raised by his strict grandmother after his parent's tragic death. a gentle soul with a heart condition taking him from the world far too early; an absolute optimist despite his short life span. he's got an affinity for botany & spends most of his time in the gardens sketching or daydreaming. loyal & loving; everyone considers him their best friend & vice versa. usually a talker, but he finds it easiest to isolate himself when upset. rides his bike everywhere & always brings along his cat, kiki, for the ride. full of life, hoping to share it with the world before it's too late.

au's: guardian angel verse

eren kang - he/him - mid to late 20's - portrayed by song kang a server at his family's failing restaurant who lives a second life as an underground fighter in order to pay off his parents' debt & provide for his siblings. the eldest son with all the pressure on his shoulders; older brother to twin boys ten years his junior. a good-natured & caring man; hates the fact that he likes fighting. a bit of an anime & gaming nerd. has a terrible tendency to ignore & bottle his negative emotions; ends up exploding as a result. an absolute heart of gold though he constantly torn between the responsibility of caring for his family & living his own life. au's: royal verse - red dead redemption verse

noah park - he/him - early to mid 20's - portrayed by choi soobin a university student & ace of his uni's volleyball team. born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but to neglectful parents who cared only of their businesses; loving & energetic despite that, enjoys making people smile & laugh. basically raised by his nannies. an avid believer in retail therapy who can & will spend at least $500 a day on materialistic expenses; consequently resulting in his main love language being gift giving. the life of the party who everyone has had a crush on at some point; goes out to ignore the overwhelming sense of loneliness he feels at home. a soft boy to his core.

au's: idol verse - vampire verse - mermaid verse - stranger things verse

park jihun - he/him - early to mid 20's - portrayed by choi yeonjun an idol & socialite who's been in the limelight for as long as he could remember & excels at nearly everything he sets his mind to. a little brother to park minjun. exceptionally passionate about his career, &  is somewhat cocky, though he fears he will constantly be overshadowed by his older brother's success as a renowned choreographer. charismatic & enticing as they come; a visual that people just can't take their eyes off of. cares & loves deeply; easily jealous, yet (usually) unwilling to commit. the 'it boy' with a stack of nda's in his bedside table. au's: demon verse - wizarding world verse

park minjun - he/they - mid to late 20's - portrayed by park jimin OR lee juyeon a renowned choreographer & socialite who owns his own prestigious dance studio in new york city. an older brother to park jihun & his number one fan. was set to debut as an idol but quit the industry due to it's negative impact on his mental health.  a passionate & enthusiastic man who is full of life. cares deeply for others & it shows. an absolute foodie & car lover. owns more luxury & vintage vehicles than he likes to admit. puts his heart & soul into everything he sets his mind to. just a man who's settled for a life behind the scenes, but will always wonder what could have been.

au's: demon verse - idol verse

phoenix [ nix ] seong - he/him - mid to late 20's - portrayed by jeon jungkook a guitarist/front man of the heavy metal band SINNERS & socialite who wants nothing more than to live the life that he wants; not the life his parents laid out for him.  brooding & aloof to most, but softhearted & gentle to those who put in the effort. pessimistic by default, unable (or unwilling) to forget how others have hurt him in the past. owns a ducati superleggera v4 motorcycle that he enjoys flaunting & a doberman named cerberus. he finds solace & comfort in music, & can spend all day in bed listening to records. a somewhat misunderstood man who just wants to share his music with the world. au's: immortal verse - vampire verse - royal verse

yoo daeshim - he/they  - mid to late 20's - portrayed by kim taehyung a model & socialite who represents his mother's very successful agency. he's been called a nepo baby, but he's worked hard to get his career where it is today. an only child who had always been his parents' pride & joy. outgoing & fun-loving; a people person. bold & charismatic, & will shamelessly flirt with anyone he finds attractive. he's materialistic as they come & won't hesitate to fly on his private jet to paris out of sheer boredom. cunning & ruthless if he has to be. but all in all, a hopeless romantic who loves to be loved.

au's: greek god verse - immortal verse

  aurora [ rora ] kwon - she/her - early 20's - portrayed by jang wonyoung a child prodigy & medical intern who graduated high school at the age of 10, university at the age of 14 & then medical school at 18.  currently completing her residency program at a hospital run by her father. bubbly & down to earth, but she'll always carry the burden of the world's expectations on her shoulders. cares deeply about people & it's obvious in the way she treats patients. an absolute perfectionist who can't help but to stress herself out unintentionally. a workaholic through & through. grew up a bit spoiled, but she'd never admit it. loves all things sweet & pink. doesn't have a mean bone in her body. a girlboss who just wants to save peoples' lives.

au's: royal verse - mermaid verse - idol verse

cleo moon - she/her - early to mid 20's - portrayed by shin ryujin a tattoo artist who dropped out of art school a year into the program. the eldest daughter to 3 younger brothers, raised by a deadbeat dad. stubborn & slightly aloof, prefers to keep her circle of friends small. heavily shelters her heart. nicotine addict who always loses her vape. can easily spend her days drawing up flash sheets while the smiths plays in the background & her cat, luna, naps by her side. somewhat pessimistic; a half glass empty type of person. isn't afraid to stand her ground. a resilient young woman who had to take on way too much at a young age. au's: wizarding world verse - hand maiden verse - fallout verse

ella perkins - she/her - early to mid to 20's - portrayed by sabrina carpenter an esthetician & beauty influencer who uses her platform to spread positivity. a little (half) sister to lucy perkins & former pageant queen. charismatic & self-assured, though that doesn't mean she's exempt from doubting herself every so often. deeply rooted father & abandonment issues. self - reliant, sometimes even to a fault. raised by a single mother, she's been taught to never rely on a man (or anyone besides yourself, for that matter). a sweet girl with a rough childhood who strives to promote the importance of self-love, while refusing to address her desire to be loved by another.

au's: fairy verse

evie lee - she/her - early to mid 20's - portrayed by hwang yeji a writer & university student who has gained moderate popularity publishing her series of short poems. a child of divorce, her best friend & main confidant had always been her twin brother, everette. discovered her love of literature at a young age & used it as a way to express herself, as well as a coping mechanism. charming & captivating, yet she's never been able to make the right decisions when it comes to her love life. can be malicious if provoked. not afraid to flirt & dally in order to get her way.  an enchanting girl who never quite learned how to love or how to *be loved* properly. au's: fairy verse - siren verse

hana min - she/her - early to mid 20's - portrayed by kim chaewon a newly debuted idol who was born & raised in new york city. part of a nine member girl group called CLOUD9 where she holds the main vocalist & visual positions. a talented & hardworking girl with an obvious passion for music & performing. a fan favorite since pre-debut, she's on a fast track towards the 'it girl' title. kind-hearted & down to earth, doing her best to showcase her authentic self. seldom grows angry, but terrifying when she does. half glass full type of girl. innocent by default, but harbors a fiery side as well. just a girl living her dream life.

au's: non-idol verse

haruka ito - she/her - mid to late 20's - portrayed by minatozaki sana an actress that is usually casted as the female lead in dramas who's family is highly ranked within the yakuza. charismatic & ambitious, she had always known she'd make a living out of performing. only daughter & youngest child; has 3 older brothers. never short on confidence & very much aware of her beauty. loves being the center of attention, & can light up the room with her big & bright personality. a closeted bisexual with a slight preference towards other women. somewhat competitive & willing to go to extremes to get her way. a self-proclaimed princess who has been spoiled from the moment she was born. au's: royal verse - pirate verse - red dead redemption verse - dragon ball z verse

imogen [ immy ] boudreaux - she/her  - early to mid 20's - portrayed by shen xiaoting a ballerina performing for new york city ballet who was adopted into an extremely wealthy family as an infant. smart & incredibly headstrong, she never hesitates to speak her mind. unapologetic & stubborn at times. somewhat naive due to a sheltered upbringing. very grateful for the life she lives, but admittedly still curious about her birth parents & native culture. competitive in nature, almost to a fault; won't settle for anything less than the lead role. dreams of one day starting her own ballet academy & company. a gifted dancer who yearns to know where she came from.

au's: vampire verse

lucy perkins - she/her - mid to late 20's - portrayed by nicola peltz a stripper & aspiring musician finally living out her best life in los angeles. a vibrant & sensual woman whose confidence levels exceeds most people's. breathtakingly beautiful & she absolutely knows it. an older (half) sister to ella perkins. spends her weekends under neon lights & booming bass. fearless & ruthless; literally hitchhiked from the midwest to the west coast. working through her daddy issues every single day. loves being the center of attention & isn't afraid to admit it. a woman who knows her worth & will never settle for less than she deserves. au's: moulin rouge verse - mermaid verse

miyeon ' violet ' lee - mid to late 20's - portrayed by jennie kim OR soojin a socialite who waltzes through life due to her charismatic personality & captivating beauty. the type of girl who isn't used to being told no. kiho lee's older sister & number one supporter. smart & witty, but filled with untapped potential. the 'it girl' & frequent party-goer. absolutely despises her korean name due to bullying when her family moved to the US permanently. will never pass up brunch or a girl's night out. a somewhat pretentious woman that still has a heart of gold.

au's: wizarding world verse - royal verse - pirate verse

*ੈ  ♡ ‧₊˚ secondary muses

[kwesixnasele]

Sometimes I think of my relationship with my partner, and how the woman that I have been praying for was always right there in front of me (not in the literal sense of course.) But we would talk for years and joke and play around, but it never dawned on me that this could be the woman of my dreams (I know, I'm being too dramatic but please allow me.) This got me thinking, what if the things you have been looking for where right there under your nose? Like you could have been asking God for something, and yet God had already answered your prayer and presented that thing before you. But because you are unaware, you could have been ignoring or rejecting that thing you have been praying for. Like sometimes we just lack awareness. How many women have missed out on a great guy just because at the time the guy did not have a posh car. And probably after a few months or years the guy became super rich and now it's too late to reconsider. Not saying that you should drop your standards or preferences, but wouldn't it be nice to sort of know which option would best suit you. There is something called "divine connections" where God himself connects you with the right people. And then there is another thing called "revelation" where God reveals something to you (which may even be hidden.) But we are not going to get into any of those concepts right now. While I'm thinking about all of this, I am reminded of a verse in the Bible, I will quote below; "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge…"

Hosea 4:6 Imagine God's very own people are being destroyed because of a lack of knowledge. There are people who have died from a sickness because they did not know that there was a cure. There are people who have died poor because they were not aware that there were millions kept for them and yet they were not aware. They say if you know better you do better. They also say that knowledge is power. "I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all."

Ecclesiastes 9:11 Do you know that we all get the opportunity to win in life and achieve great things? The bible says "time and chance happen to them all". That is to say that we all get the opportunities. But now the main trick is recognizing whether that opportunity presenting itself to you will change your life completely or not. We are where we are in life because of the opportunities that we took advantage of, or failed to take advantage of. If you knew that, that opportunity would have changed your life, your attitude towards it would have been different. You would have done whatever was in your power to make sure that you would have taken complete advantage of it. In the bible we have a story of Jacob, who was on a journey to his mother's relatives, and decided to make a pit stop on the way and slept. While he was sleeping, he saw a vision of a ladder going to heaven, and on that ladder angels were going up and down between heaven and earth. In our times it would be a lift with two floors, earth being ground floor and heaven being the first floor. But what caught my attention about that story was a statement that Jacob had made to himself after seeing the vision: When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, “Surely the LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it.” Genesis 28:16 The main part I want to highlight from that verse is "I was not aware of it". In the same book of Genesis we find a story of desperation, Hagar (Abraham's baby mamma) was in the desert with her child and they were super thirsty and there was no water and they had lost all hope and they were prepared to die from thirst. An angel of the Lord was sent from heaven to help them in this situation. But the angel did not bring water or transport them somewhere out of the desert. The angel only opened Hagar's eyes to see the wells that had been dug by Abraham sometime ago. And it is interesting to me to notice that Hagar and the child could have died in the desert from thirst, yet there where wells of water next to them in their vicinity. "Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink."

Genesis 21:19 It is my prayer that God would help to be aware of everything that is meant for us, so that we do not miss anything but make the most of everything meant for us according to his will and purpose. That we may duly enjoy the life that he has prepared for us on earth and in heaven.

[dandelionbruises]

My biggest rule is: My blogs are 18+ Minors please do not interact! I fully support minors in writing and RP since I've been roleplaying since I was 10 but I'd prefer not to write with you if you are underage.

I mostly interested in shipping so I'll answer those first

MUN DOES NOT EQUAL MUSE I GOT SOME HORRIBLE MOTHERFUCKERS HERE DON'T THINK IM LIKE THEM PLEASE

I match lengths! One line gets one line, literate gets literate and so on.

This blog will have all types of nsfw and will be tagged accordingly. Let me know if I should tag anything specific.

Non RP blogs DO NOT REBLOG ANYTHING

I don't care about discourse and I expect it to not be brought towards me. If this person is doing this or that feels free to warn me and I'll decide what to do. I don't want to see people sending hate or anything that's petty. We're literally writing blorbos from our show doing things on Tumblr.

Communication is important but again we're writing blorbos smooching so like it's not a big deal if you don't want to write, I hope you have fun with ur muse bestie give em a pat for me.

Don't try to control my character please, they have their own thoughts and feelings and actions and I gave it to them. I am their god.

Many of my muses are very powerful, or in positions of power respect that.

In interactions actions have consequences and I love writing those, many of my characters don't think things through so sometimes it's funny.

Fights in Interactions will either be completely talked out beforehand, or we can fade to black and decide who wins. (This can be changed for different muns)

I'm just here to have fun and have irl stuff and that takes priority! I answer things I have motivation for. It's not in order, I'm not ignoring you.

I don't do mains or exclusives but if you do that's fine

I am semi selective however, I won't RP with everyone but I'm not too picky.

Multi-Verse, multi-thread, multi-ship, etc etc

I get the most motivation for ships, as much as I love writing angst, gore, drama etc I more so really like when they bond or argue and build up. Domestic, romantic, platonic, whatever is fun. I do have a weakness for gut wrenching angst.

I write dark shit, smut, angst, horror

I prefer to plot for more in depth/longer threads, but I'm not apposed to opens which ARE open.

I love AUs OCs and Crossovers please throw characters I have no clue about at my muses.

LASTLY I AM SLOW TO REPLIES, i am currently homeless, and transitioning into school within the next week or so. I will be very busy, and I am staying in a shelter. Please don't hound me for requests or take it personally if I am slow

Interact with this post so I know you read my rules.

Mains: My main most developed favorite muses, they're the ones I love using the most.

Sides: Characters I love and are developed but have probably written less, or may need some tuning and will progress as we write

Interaction characters: characters I love that generally don't have a point unless they interact, they have fun personalities so it's cool to see how your muse responds. Freaks, and weirdo muses of sorts.

Triggers: Button eyes, Description of things going in eyes (the Silco thing is an exception) the movie Coraline, Bugs (not including the pretty ones butterflies/moths and anything that isn't a freak), skin walkers, not-deer, Wendigos, weeping angels.

Other blogs: @unhclydiivinty @loyaltyearned

[prionguy-old]

hello enderwalk arg people

so i saw a cool thread from @/ranbeans on twitter and it inspired me. so naturally i spent five hours straight analyzing ranboo’s lore playlist

basically i think it’s a timeline of c!ranboo’s life, and it fits kind of eerily

everything’s below the cut (and it’s a lot) :]

prologue from starkid 

 - more clock references. it’s literally just an instrumental of a clock ticking

 - instantly you think of the ender text in that pic he tweeted. like that, this could relate to dream’s clock, or foolish’s clock (reading 10:33 always iirc) 

 - note that butler in tales from the smp: masquerade kept staring at a clock

 - it could also mean a theme of running out of time, or fighting with time

 - in the thread i linked, the person also points out that there are 23 clock ticks in prologue, and angel number 23 means that you are meant to be a servant

 - this would be his beginning

introduction to the snow by miracle musical

 - the first of many songs from the hawaii: part ii album on this playlist

 - i’ve seen that album described as an arg and i find it funny if ranboo just went no. my arg now 

 - introduction to the snow only has one verse, and the rest is instrumental

 - the whole hawaii album has themes of loneliness and death, especially loneliness for this song

 - it talks about feeling isolated, which gives hints about his childhood maybe?

 - the “you’ll live forever tonight” lyric also gives off a hopeful vibe, like that of a child

dream sweet in sea major by miracle musical

 - starts with a changed reprise of introduction to the snow

 - "Rather than trying to “live forever”, it seems that the time has come for something else" from the analysis of the first part in genius

 - odd because this song is meant as a finale to the album, but it's towards the beginning of the playlist (could mean that there was almost an ending of sorts early on for c!ranboo, like a near death experience?)

turn the lights off by tally hall

 - okay this one confused me when i was first going through, but when the timeline started coming together it made more sense

 - about adolescence, and being uncomfortable with growing up, so it fits with the timeline playlist theory 

 - also about phobias and stuff like that in a way?? hm

the mind electric by miracle musical

 - the song starts out in reverse, then plays the stuff from the beginning normally

 - feels like a rls honestly i wish he could use this song

 - it's about someone put in an infirmary and condemned to electroshock therapy because they're insane. fun

 - this is where the timeline started to come together in a way. as soon as i saw the mood get darker i remembered ranboo’s line from the festival i think? “don’t let it happen again” or something like that

 - because of this, if the timeline theory is true, at some point before he joined the dream smp he did something which caused him to be condemned

 - also this

 - the mind electric isn’t the only song where the narrator glorifies themself in a way, we’ll get into this later

 - also the rejecting fanatical views,, i am thinking about that theory that endermen are servants to the ender dragon. if c!ranboo rejected that, the consequences could have been awful

live and let die by paul mccartney

 - if i wasn’t sold on the timeline theory before, i am now. after the mind electric, the mood changes drastically in terms of ideology and theme

 - this specifically made me say “holy shit” because like. that verse means that when you’re young, you’re open minded and say “live and let live” which resembles the optimistic but lonely attitude of the beginning of the playlist

 - but then when the world fucks you over, you begin to say “live and let die.”

 - “live and let die” i take to mean as him no longer caring about the people around him. how before, he wanted to help others, but then the mind electric happened, and he just. stopped caring

 - fun right!! /s

ruler of everything by tally hall

 - there are so many clock and time references in this. we get it

 - "mechanical hands" when it says “mechanical hands are the ruler of everything” refer to hands on a clock, saying how time rules over everything

 - the narrator is talking back and forth with time itself in this, which is interesting because i believe he joins the dream smp in the next song

 - the narrator appears very insecure and looking for a quick way to appeal to everyone (like how c!ranboo at the beginning was trying to be everyone's friend)

 - this is the second song with the narrator glorifying themself out of insecurity. what are you trying to tell us about your character buddy

 - also we can’t ignore this shit

 -  i don’t need to explain why this scared me right. right

merry go round of life from howl’s moving castle

 - this is a change huh

 - god i haven’t seen this movie in years, but i saw looking it up that it plays at the beginning introducing the main character, sophie

 - this is before everything changed for her

 - maybe this is when he joins dream smp? and ruler of everything is him talking to dream prior?

 - or maybe im reaching who the fuck knows

 - but him joining dream smp to this song would make sense. it feels like a clean slate and starting over, which would match with how he doesn’t. y’know. remember things

 - which begs the question: if ranboo forgot everything from before this song in the timeline, and after that i’m assuming his memory issues started,, what happened to cause this?

 - i’d say the mind electric could have caused this, but it was awhile back in the playlist. so whoever he’s talking to in ruler of everything, which could very well be dream, i believe messed with his memory somehow.

killer queen by queen

 - c!ranboo girlboss arc canon??

 - i got lost here ngl. it has a very specific vibe that doesn’t match well with what i know of c!ranboo im sorry

 - but two songs later, i get a hint kind of which makes me believe this could be him burning george’s house with tommy

 - also this song is a banger and i’m pretty sure he put it on there to scare the crown arg people because of the “baroness” line /j

mr. bad guy by freddie mercury

 - literally just more funky villain vibes. i love this

 - no more angst only girlboss

 - since cc!ranboo has said he doesn't want to do a villain arc, i take this to maybe be how he sees himself?? credit to the crown arg discord for that idea they’re smart and cool

 - if that is true, i’d say this would be another song for the “glorifying oneself out of insecurity” list because the narrator is like. seeing himself as cool and The Bad Guy, even if he might not be

 - possibly the butcher army if the next song is what i think it is

ain’t no rest for the wicked by cage the elephant

 - i have been informed someone saw ranboo listening to and grabbing songs for this off of a playlist called "my villain arc" king i hate you /lh

 - in seriousness: the song is about how the world forces people into wicked roles for money. i am getting live and let die vibes, like how both blame the world for making them not care/do bad things

 - c!ranboo take responsibility for your actions challenge /j

 - this definitely reminds me of how when he gave techno his armor, he blamed it on peer pressure. if this aligns with that event, the last two would be burning george’s house and butcher army i think

i can’t decide by the scissor sisters

 - this is probably about enderwalk

 - i really hope it's about enderwalk

 - did mr ranboo commit murder?? manslaughter?? sir

 - i really feel like this is enderwalk or ive forgotten something

stardust crusaders from jjba 

 - thank god for jjba fans, i know nothing about this

 - apparently this is the main theme for jotaro, who's power i think?? is like moving faster than time

 - and his main villain thing is dio, who's power is stopping the flow of time

 - and we're back with the fuckin time references

 - this is pure speculation at this point, but maybe it’s like. him fighting against time in a way, which would draw back to ruler of everything

a mask of my own face by lemon demon

 - the song is about not wanting to take responsibility for their actions again

 - c!ranboo i am begging

 -  specifically this lyric

 - also this lyric draws back to the bidding, in which the singer wanted to be enough for someone and showed almost narcissism as a sort of "mask"

 - also just. mask can be correlated with dream or the masquerade, where the butler stared at the clocks

stranded lullaby by miracle musical

 - been awhile since we had a hawaii album song huh

 - and,, a memory reference.

 - that lyric is talking about forgetting things

 - the rest of the song is,, im not saying time traveler ranboo but time traveler ranboo (look at this post about that theory by my friend pspspspsp)

 - he's talking to a "you" this whole time, and i have no idea who it is lmao

 - there are mentions of dreams and stuff throughout, so i almost want to associate it with the prison visit, but then i think the next song is after the festival so i guess not?

 - might also be him losing the memory book

hidden in the sand by tally hall

 - this is, lyrics wise, a song about a man whose girlfriend left him for someone else and he's upset

 - but if you look at the music video, it shows a cruise ship, on which people are friendly with each other at first, but when it starts to sink, they turn on each other trying to escape

 - i am feeling a connection to c!ranboo's views on "choose people not sides" somehow

 - i feel like he's called people selfish in lore, but my friends and i are all ranboo kinnies so we cant fuckin remember. if he has, then yeaH this definitely correlates

now i’m here by queen

 - there's a very optimistic and nostalgic tone to this

 - this one’s barely annotated on genius so i don’t have a lot for it, but i feel like it's after the dream voice disappeared or something? timeline's gettin a little funky

 - it could also be right before the festival, as he used optimism as a shield there

& by tally hall

 - this. yeah. & deals with opposites, especially good and evil. the singer talks about how everyone sees the world from their own perspective and doesn't look from another

 - and that definitely ties back to how ranboo wanted l’manburg people, like tubbo, to see from techno’s perspective

 - i feel like this is right after the festival. it resembles a lot of ranboo's speech from then, where he basically told everyone “sides dumb. just vibe”

 - and then the outro changes tone, almost like a warning?? which. yeah. a warning to choose people not sides before doomsday, or else they won’t be able to stop l’manburg from being blown up

i’m gonna win by rob cantor

 - this song is about someone fighting their inner demons

 - sounds familiar!! looks directly at dream voice

 - specifically, the singer is optimistic about winning their fight with the inner demons

 - it seems kind of chilling to me though, but it's also late at night when i’m doing these notes so it may just be me

 - if the timeline theory is true, this is where c!ranboo is mentally atm, which tracks honestly

=), an unplayable track

 - ranboo why do you hate us

tl;dr: ranboo’s songs that he would use for lore playlist might very well be a timeline of c!ranboo’s life, from even before dream smp and that’d be super cool

if you read all the way through this just know i would die for you

anyways feel free to drop your interpretations of the songs in the notes :0

[zigtheeortega]

For the past six months, @pixeljazzy​ and I have been working on a playlist we felt could top last year’s, which was so well received! 

We’ve broken it up into sections by individual love interests, multiple love interests, main character, and miscellaneous, which includes side characters, general vibes, etc. Underneath each song are lyrics we believed stood out to us along with explanations as to why we chose it. Like last year, the [p] is for PJ and [j] is for Jade.

Here’s the link to the playlist on Spotify, but we’ve individually linked the songs with each explanation as well!

We sincerely hope you enjoy our 2021 RODAW Playlist! 

The Bay, Soft Glas. ft. Mulherin [j]

Leaving you alone is too hard (hard, hard) / I just never know where to start (with you)

I'm not used to leaving someone broken hearted / That might be what really makes this hard (It's hard) / I've never been with anyone this long / If I did it, I really miss you

The softness and apologetic tone of the song reminds me of Logan through and through. He’s so regretful for what he put MC through, both at the beginning when he was lying to her, and by the end when he thinks he’s ruined her life by simply being a criminal and dating her. And by leaving her he’s leaving the one person who’s loved him unconditionally and stuck with him through it all.

Call Me, Nav [j]

They taught me, "Don't forget where you came from" / I regret what I came from

Do you know how it feel to feel alone? / Bought myself a house, to feel like I ain't home / Driving by myself, ain't got nowhere to go / Are you really here for me, I don't know

I hope you mean everything that you told me / I'll try to come back to you, girl, I'm sorry / If you miss me, just call me

This song honestly reminded me of Logan’s backstory that we don’t know much of, besides the fact that he was thrust into a life of crime as a teen and as an adult he hates it. The other lyrics I added are kind of a glimpse into the future I think – wherever Logan is, whatever he’s doing, if he’s not with MC, the woman he loves, everything he accomplishes is gonna feel hollow. And despite him saying that he was leaving to protect her, I know in his heart he’d want her to find her way back to him.

Cold Case Love, Rihanna [p]

I’m torn apart and you know / What you did to me was a crime

We opened up a cold case love / And it got the best of us / And now prints, pictures, and white outlines / Are all that’s left at the scene of a crime / Of a cold case love

The first line reminded me of how MC probably felt after being betrayed by Logan, the one that was arguably supposed to be the closest to them, and then the second lyric is because at the time, MC left and that was the last Logan knew of them with nothing to stand for what they used to have until they eventually came back to help save the crew.

Compass, The Neighbourhood [j]

If I don't have you with me, I'm alone / You know I never know which way to go / I think I need you with me for all-time / When I need new direction for my mind

I've got something to confess / I keep you in my pocket to use / You're my only compass / I might get lost without you / (Could you tell me where to go?)

You're always there to help me when I'm down / I'm lucky you've been keeping me around / You're the star I look for every night / When it's dark, you'll stick right by my side

Like a magnet / Hard to imagine ever changing / Can't help that I'm attracted to you, I am / Could you keep on guiding me? Please

This is a quintessential Logan song – reading these lyrics, it’s like Logan spoke them himself to MC, and that’s why I included so much of the song. All of these remind me of him and his hopeless romanticism, but specifically the line about her being the star he looks for every night? Absolutely perfect. This entire song is like a love letter from Logan to MC.

Don’t Leave Me, Blackstreet [p]

I’m searching for the words to make you realize / That I really, really want you to stay

Don’t leave, don’t leave me girl

This song was giving me Logan vibes from the diamond scene where he’s like “I can’t believe I love someone” and MC is like “you don’t get to say that to me” or some shit like that because he’s trying soo so hard to explain himself to her and to make her not hate him.

Imma Dog, Ugly God ft. PnB Rock [j]

You say you love me, shawty, tell me why / 'Cause I'm a dog and I'ma probably be this way until I die / You say you always gon' be by my side / You say you trust me with your heart and I swear, I just wonder why

Okay, hear me out, I forreal have reasons for this to be tied to Logan. The only verse in this song that’s a non chorus one is related to cheating, but I’m choosing to ignore that for the sake of the chorus. I heard the chorus for the first time and it made me think of one specific moment and point in time in Ride or Die. These lyrics remind me of Logan’s attitude when he was being mean and pretending to be annoyed by MC to get her off of him – despite the facade he’s still in awe of the way she trusts him and cares about him even when he’s treating her like garbage.

Life’s a Mess, Juice WRLD ft. Halsey [p]

Uh, sometimes life’s a mess

Lookin’ for somethin’ real, then I found it

I’m too flawed to hold you down, but / Don’t wanna be here alone

Logan knows all too well how much of a mess life really is (first lyric), and the second lyric is basically what I think he feels about MC. He told MC in the beginning that he doesn’t really stay with crews or trust anyone but himself, but MC was that exception before the rest of the crew became that exception too. And then the third lyric is because Logan looks at himself as someone who probably doesn’t deserve MC, Vaughn even said he was morally obligated to tell MC that she’s too good for his cousin (yes it was a joke (was it) but it fits), but he still wants her anyway (“Look at you...then look at me. You’re going to be valedictorian. I never even went to high school...I don’t have anything, and I wasn’t anybody, and I knew that. I always knew that….Some part of me really wants you to mess things up for me.” - Logan, Ch. 3).

Unfair, 6lack [p]

Hope my mistakes don’t make me less of a man / ‘cause lately it feel like them shits really can / I’m prayin’ I don’t wake up all alone

But know I’m stuck between / What I love and who I love and / I know it’s unfair

The first lyric I feel like is pretty self-explanatory as Logan expresses remorse for his actions (him acting weird and tryna tell MC about his dishonesty in the club, him making the effort to apologize or explain in the diamond scene after the reveal) and it especially hits if your MC is romancing Logan because he doesn’t want to lose them. As for the second lyric, I was thinking about how he was probably stuck between doing what’s best for the crew and doing right by MC

While We’re Young, Jhene Aiko [j]

Baby while we're young / I think we should do something crazy / Like say, "Fuck everyone" / And just run away from the daily routine

I'm tellin' everybody you're mine and I like it / And I really hope you don't mind, I can't fight it

'Cause it's been another perfect day with ya / Wanna lay with ya / Spend the night with ya / Then spend my life with ya, alright

I'll go everywhere you go / You know I'll go, I'll go / Everywhere you go

I'm giving you my heart, please don't break it / Take it and lock it up and put me in your pocket, love

This reminds me of Logan and MC’s brand of romance that’s sweet and clumsy and a little bit reckless when it really gets going. They’re both cautious but they fantasize about throwing caution to the wind even more than they already have.

Angel With A Shotgun, The Cab [p]

I don’t care if heaven won’t take me back / I’ll throw away my faith, babe, just to keep you safe

Sometimes to win, you have to sin

And I want to live, not just survive

Lemme explain because I feel like people may think this song is really really out there for Colt but I was listening to this song one day and thought of him, esp the last two lines I chose: I think of how Colt came up with the kidnapping plan and how it was so crazy because it was like wow he really was ready for murder if it came down to it, but Colt was basically like we need to do something big to outsmart them or else we’ll just be doing shit for them forever (‘sometimes to win, you have to sin’).

Born 2 Be Great, Lil Tjay [p]

I was born to be great / And I won’t let nobody tell me I ain’t / And I can’t stop, won’t stop

Growin’ up, I’m gettin’ old, start settin’ goals / Tryna make more money off my business and shows / And everybody gon’ hate, I’m great, I know / Everybody can hate, I’m great, I know

These lyrics just scream COLT to me all the way. He knows and believes he’s destined for greatness no matter what path he chooses because no matter what he does, he’s gonna succeed in the end. “I can’t stop, won’t stop” reminds me of how Kaneko wanted Colt to choose for himself what he wanted to do, and even though Kaneko tried to shield Colt away from the family business, that’s where Colt wanted to be. The second lyric is essentially Colt just knowing he’s gonna make money and that he won’t be liked (hated by other crews, police, etc.), but that won’t matter because he’s great nevertheless.

Chandelier, B.o.B ft. Lauriana Mae [p]

They say life’s about choices / In the face of defeat I declined / Put your soul into everything, never back down / That’s how you leave a legacy behind

Let my blood keep pumping, my heart keep beating / Shining like a chandelier

Making something out of absolutely nothing / That’s the definition of a survivor

Colt definitely felt ‘put your soul into everything, never back down / that’s how you leave a legacy behind’ because of how much he focuses on carrying on what his family has built, and taking all the risks necessary to keep that legacy alive and make a name for himself. I put ‘shining like a chandelier’ because that’s how bright Colt shines, as I believe he’s destined for greatness and wouldn’t allow himself to achieve anything but.

Down Bad, Real Recognize Rio [j]

I've been out of my head for a couple minutes, for a couple miles / Made the hair stand up on my neck / On a knife edge, comin' at me for my crimes / Got a mind that can leave you locked inside

'Cause you got me down bad, down bad, your deep desire / Carve my name on your soul, then I walk through the fire / Your voice so clear, like you say my name / You got mе runnin' for my life like this shit was a game / Got mе down bad, down bad to feel your touch

This song reminds me of Colt specifically during the gambling scene when he got shot and the last car chase scene, because MC is put in serious danger but it does nothing to shake her love for Colt. She’s scared for her life and her future but she’s still willing to put everything on the line for him and MPC.

Forever Ever, Trippie Redd ft. Young Thug [p]

You gon’ really have to hold me fuckin’ down, babe / ‘Cause I ain’t with the fuckery, that playing ‘round, babe

We Bonnie and Clyde but except the shots

He don’t love you like he should, I can love you better

First and second lyric are because they’re a team, and Colt sees MC as his right hand. In the life he lives, the people on his team gotta be down fr because there’s always a lot at stake. The last lyric is more conditional, as I feel like this could be him if MC was also romancing Logan because in the reveal, Colt’s like you deserved to know and in the car in the chapter afterwards that’s when he’s like bro we could run this whole shit etc. etc.

Impala, O2worldwide [j]

I been watching you from a distance / Sitting back and acknowledging your existence / I made a couple songs but you'll probably never listen / Shooting my shot but i'm always fucking missing / Setting my ego aside / Me and you can go together just like Bonnie and Clyde / I've been tripping over you just like my shoes is untied / And I tried to hit you up its like my confidence died but

I see you everyday but don't past corners of eyes / I'm just gonna act like I didn't see you close to that guy / Not gonna lie you got me head over ears / I'm tryna find love because I don't know just how it feels

Anyone listening to this and reading the lyrics is going to hate me because… is this the perfect “Colt pining for MC because she’s getting close to Logan” Love Triangle song, or what? I listen to this song so casually most of the time that I forget how sad the lyrics actually are. The first couple verses (not the third verse) fit the narrative so well. A lot of my favorite “Colt” songs aren’t ones where they’re outwardly admitting any kind of affection for MC – they’re the ones where it reads as Colt struggling with their feelings for MC and how to express them.

PTSD, G Herbo ft. Juice WRLD, Lil Uzi Vert, and Chance the Rapper [p]

I don’t belong, I see my past everywhere

I got a war zone on inside of my head

A million dollars ahead, I’m still angry and seeing red

I’m too paranoid, I make sure all my opps, they bled

This song always guts me because G Herbo is talking about all the people he’s lost, and for Colt, I imagined this was probably him after losing his father. Reminded of his past when he saw the remains of the shop, reminded of his past every time after that probably when he was rebuilding the shop. As for the million dollars, it’s like he could pull off as many heists as he could but he would never be satisfied until Brotherhood paid, hence the last lyric because honestly I don’t think it’s over until Shaw is dead (ik there’s a line in ROD where he’s like if we were even, he’d be dead, I just know it).

Sun God, Trippie Redd [j]

Went out my way just to love you / Right at the top, no above you / Right off the top, know I trust you / Ready or not, here I come, boo / And baby, you're hot, like the sun, too / Not too hot for me, no I'm sun-proof / Follow your lead, I'ma come through / Just you and me, baby, one-two

I think this is Colt way farther down the line if MC had the chance to really fall in love with him. He’s the type to value trust and loyalty in a bond more than anything else because he doesn’t do either of those easily at all. And I think that the line about being sun-proof is a cute callback to a lot of the fandom comparisons of Colt and Icarus – the title too and the lyrics just scream Colt to me.

Where Does The Love Go?, Maria Isabel [j]

Nightly negotiations with the moon, whoever's listening / All the miles between us got me messed up, got me trippin'

They say lovin' is easy / But not when one of us is leaving

Back on a plane / Two different coasts / When we're alone / Where does the love go? / What if you go / Forget the way home? / Running in circles but never together / So where does the love go?

The more I listen to this song the more I think this song is about Colt and MC. Colt’s not a clingy type in the slightest, but there’s no doubt in my mind that deeper into the relationship, both Colt and MC would have some doubts – the reason I say this is because I’m viewing the lyrics through the lens of Colt and MC doing long distance while MC is in college on the East Coast. This whole song is long distance relationship anxiety summed up perfectly and it’s so Colt.

Yellow Lights, 24kGoldn [p]

Don’t want no yellow light / don’t want no mixed message

For the crown, ‘cause we could achieve it

Love you now, but don’t you deceive me

Second lyric resonated with me esp because of that line in the book where he’s like “But the two of us? We put our brains together, you and me could run this whole town” so he knows he could achieve an empire with MC by his side. Last lyric is because Colt definitely doesn’t trust those around him and for those that he does trust, that trust doesn’t come easy. So MC, who managed to get past that, is loved, but would automatically lose a lot if she deceived him (now imagine….snitch MC? This line would hit a lot more because she ends up deceiving him so like he had a right to be wary of her holding his heart (like if we’re looking at the pov of him saying this lyric)).

Can’t Love, Trippie Redd [p]

She say she love me, I think she love me not / She say she love me, I know she love me not

How could you do this to me? / Yeah, yeah, I thought you, I thought you loved

Another Mona and her ex song teehee but I’m imagining this from Mona’s pov while she’s in jail like wow that girl never loved me like she said she loved me (first lyric) and how could she betray me like this (second lyric).

Favorite Mistake, Giveon [p]

Is my secret safe? / Safe with just you and me / We can’t leave a trace / This is my favorite mistake

Look in my eyes / Do you mind the lies? Do you feel alive?

Even when you’re gone / The feeling just grow stronger / Should leave it alone / But you’re getting closer

So I finally did a Mona route and GOD yes this song is about cheating (Mona and Hieron can’t relate) but we gon ignore that and just focus on these lyrics specifically because wow they really hit me like Mona for one was in denial of her feelings for MC from the jump and at some point she’s like god this is so ridiculous I can’t believe I’m feeling this way again so ofc she doesn’t want people to know she’s in love (like that time Toby is like man she is NOT happy about liking you! in the club scene) hence the beginning of the first lyric but at the same time….. she’s in love… so “this is my favorite mistake.” As for the second and third, the lies are that “I don’t like you” ra ra ra she’s only fooling herself and then it’s like yeah she knows her feelings are dumb but she can’t help but fall for MC anyway <3

Gonna Love Me, Teyana Taylor [p]

Sometimes we say things that we really don’t mean / We do things in between the lines

Please wait up for me ‘til whenever I get home / I know that you’re all alone / Thinking ‘bout what you’re gon’ do / I hope that you see it through, ooh, ooh

Why is it so hard to keep in touch

For the first lyric, I was thinking of the time MC says “Being with you makes a difference to me. It feels safer” and Mona replies that “It’s just an illusion. A blanket. And I’ve told you before not to count on me.” Yeah she said that wit her chest but ik she knows it’s more than that for the both of them. The second and third lyric both have to do with her being in jail by the end of the book (making it literally hard to keep in touch), and even though she tells MC not to wait up, a part of me thinks the vulnerable part of Mona would’ve hoped at least a smidge that MC would, and the last bit ‘thinking ‘bout what you’re gon’ do / I hope that you see it through’ reminds me of the advice in the diamond scene of driving Mona to the hospital that she gave MC which was that to move on, you just gotta keep your foot on the gas and look forward and that eventually, she’ll be somewhere better than she’s ever been.

Love or Lust, 24kGoldn [p]

It’s love or it’s lust, we just need to be clear / ‘Cause if you’re in love, then I shouldn’t be here

Would you walk eight thousand miles just to make me smile on a rainy Wednesday? / If so, then you gots to go, it ain’t mutual and I’m not pretending

Basically in the beginning stages of MC falling for Mona, Mona’s like oh hell nah (“I shouldn’t be here”) and she recognizes that MC likes her a lotttt (MC would definitely walk eight thousand miles to make her smile on a rainy Wednesday) and so she’s like fuck

PLW, Leon Thomas [j]

Left my fear right at the door (ooh) / She's an animal hunting in the wild, yeah (in the wild) / Doesn't move around or groove / But she come from the depth / That's why she's down to earth / An instrument of war

Baby ain't no beginner / I got love for my little winner / Flashing or finessing / That's why I mess with her, yeah

And you don't have to worry, yeah / 'Cause I know what's she worth / No, you don't have to save me / From my pretty little weapon

Ooh my baby smart, and she sharp, and she sharp, yeah / Pretty little weapon

I’ll never ever get over how this song fell into my lap and is absolutely perfect for Mona. This is for an MC who acknowledges that Mona’s a badass and that she loves her because of her strong personality and unwavering confidence because she knows she’s good at her job. The first verse is the best approach an MC could take – leaving her fear at the door because she knows someone like Mona could sniff it out. The line “No, you don’t have to save me / From my pretty little weapon” kills me, because it’s accurate – on Mona’s route, despite any betrayal, the MC is still in love with her and knows that Mona would never actually hurt her.

Sleeping With the Enemy, BbyMutha & Kindora [j]

Creeping around corners / I don't feel like myself / Studying your movements / It's a carousel / And I can't confirm that you / Mean what you say / And I'm pretty sure / That it's / Better that way

Why can't I trust in you / Am I slipping up / Over you / If it really turned to be the way / That I think / How bad could it be?

And I know that we could go for / Round and round like 123 / And I gotta question myself / Is it coming? / Possibly / And I gotta wonder / Am I sleeping with the enemy?

I'm watching my back / Like I got nothing left / I give you all I got / Wish I knew what was next

The first time I heard this song it was a toss up between whether or not it was a Colt and Mona song (or both) but I settled on Mona pretty quickly after a re-listen. Not only is the internal conflict in the lyrics a perfect description of Mona’s own battle, but it could be easily viewed from MC’s perspective as well. The idea of knowing it’s “wrong”, and mistrusting them but pursuing it anyways is quintessential early Mona route.

The World is a Marble Heart, AJR [p]

We could have been, we should have been / What your heart couldn’t handle

Run away, girl, ‘cause I let you / Now you found some other man, you see / I’m better off without you, ‘cause the man ain’t me!

I’m going right now / To the beginning / What you denied from the start / And now you can’t go breaking my heart

The world is a marble heart / It’s bullshit and we know it

I think the first lyric is definitely MC to Mona because Mona was afraid to allow herself to be in love, and then evidently their relationship couldn’t blossom because Mona ends up arrested (“we could have been, we should have been”). This song called out to me because Mona always comments on how MC’s heart got them into the Brotherhood mess, how MC always think the crew is something they’re not, so MC’s heart is the marble heart and the last lyric (“it’s bullshit and we know it”) is essentially Mona being like girl you know we are not what you think we are. The second lyric is because in a scene after the reveal, Mona drives MC to Riya’s house and MC goes I wish we could run off together and Mona is like just say the word and MC is like I can’t :/// and then Mona is like the only one stopping you is you, and then “I’m better off without you” is Mona being don’t call don’t write don’t text

Would You, Pink Sweat$ [p]

Would you die for me? I would die for you / Would you shoot for me? I would kill for you / Would you run up the bag if I needed you to? / Girl, all the things that I’d do for you / Would you do for me too?

I wanna know when it pops off that you gon’ be right next to me

This was giving Mona and her ex from that scene where MC got a glimpse into Mona’s past. Essentially, Mona’s ex and her were thick as thieves, and when they got arrested, Mona didn’t say anything and her ex did, so Mona was always ten toes down but her ex never had her (Mona) like she (Mona) thought she (her ex) had her (Mona)

Both of Us, YFN Lucci [j]

Stay with me when there's no one else to call / If you got me then I'm in it for the both of us

Look, ayy, do you love me like you say you love me? / Ay, do you vow to keep it cute when everythin' get ugly? / Ay, if I ever leave, girl would you come lookin' for me?

I think that this song and these lyrics fit into the title of the book and how “ride or die” each of the love interests are for MC and vice versa. I think the softer parts of this song are MC for sure, and Logan at times, and the second bullet point is Colt and Mona. For them, it’s more of a promise of loyalty rather than love like the earlier lyric is (which is why I think that’s a bit more hopeless romantic like Logan).

C U Girl, Steve Lacy [j]

I haven't seen you in a while, you know I miss you babe / When you hear this song, feel flattered, it's about your face / And how I miss it and I wish that I could see it more / But you're in college now and I'm about to go on tour

I love this song because it makes me think of the possibility of MC and the LI having a “song” – one where any time they hear it they think of each other. And that when they hear it it makes them happy but at the same time they’re forced do think about the distance between them and how much they miss each other.

Collide, Tiana Major9 and Earthgang [j]

Everybody's got opinions on our thing / Say we're flying down a path with no ending / And if I die before I wake / Ooh, don't let me wake up from this dream / When we collide / When we collide, it's a beautiful disaster / When I crash into you, you, you

And I don't care about the future or the past / Riding slow, 'cause you know the world's moving too fast

Without you, I'm just a fraction / Closing in on my demise / And I love you religiously / With everything inside of me / As long as I'm alive

So I think it fits for all three because the relationship is taboo since they’re criminals and she’s a valedictorian getting ready for college. Their relationship is sloppy and dangerous and comes to an inevitable end, and they both know that, so this song for sure encapsulates how little both the LI and MC care about that. They don’t that it’s a trainwreck, because colliding is all that matters :)

Heaven, Clairo [j]

Alone, for the last time / You're just a loner / Give it a try / And you're hard on yourself / And your laugh, it just melts in my hands / Lonesome in the streets

I'll get by with you on my mind / I'll get by with you on my side

I love the idea of this song being viewed as MC’s perspective of her LI, because I’m sure the other LI’s haven’t been appreciated in the way that she appreciates them. For example, the line about the laugh melting in her hands makes me think about how they’d react to her saying that to them. None of the LI’s probably have never been told their laugh is cute, and I’m sure they’d be confused about it at first, so this whole song gives me a cute late night summer drive vibe. Like the MC is in the passenger seat of Mona or Logan’s car or draped around Colt and she’s just appreciating the things she loves about them.

Heaven Ain’t Hard 2 Find, Tupac [j]

Simply because you nervous, let me start off with my conversation / Hoping my information, elevates the hesitation / I can see it clearly now / Catch you smiling through your frown / I'm askin' Baby Boo are you down?

Heaven ain't hard to find / In fact you can have it just have faith / Just like a little kid, still believing in magic / It takes a lot of sacrifice / With all the lonely nights on tour / I need somebody I can trust in my life

Oh god help me identify me truest thoughts / Your hidden motives full of passion who would of thought / Come holla at me baby, love me for my thug nature / Far from a player hater, label me a money maker / Straight heart breaker

I originally added this song because it’s canon that Colt loves old West Coast Rap, so that makes me think he’s a huge Tupac fan. I can see him listening to this in his car driving down a California highway at like 2 a.m. On the other hand, though, the beginning of the song reminds me of the first meeting with Logan at the party, or the second meeting when they go to the car show – young love jitters and all that.

Keep Me Up, Charlotte Lawrence [j]

My heart starts beating and my hands start sweating / My chest starts sinking and sometimes will even start shaking / It's physical and emotional

And I don't want you all inside my head / And I can feel you running through my veins

When I say, and I say, and I say / That I want you in my life / But you stay, and you stay, and you stay / And you never leave my side / And you take, and you take, and you take / And you say you feel so nice, boy / And you keep me up all night

I think this fits with all the LI’s and MC and how they cope after the LI’s had to leave. Read it from both perspectives and it honestly fits so well for both of them – like the first couple months of restlessness staring at their ceiling while reflecting on how much they miss each other.

Kitchen, Kid Cudi [j]

Hmm, you wanna find somebody you trust and lay low / But it seems they all on the same mission / You wanna find somebody you trust and lay low / But can't stand the heat of my love, then stay out the kitchen

Oh baby here we are, I made a wish on shootin' stars / I ain't even mad at it, we made it this far

The attitude of this song reminds me of both Mona and Colt’s feelings about relationships – they both know they’re intense people and that they don’t trust or love easily, and that whoever’s interested in them needs to know that. They’re not going to apologize for it, but they appreciate anyone who sticks around and loves them despite that.

Meet Me Halfway, The Black Eyed Peas [j]

Can you meet me halfway, right at the borderline / Is where I'm gonna wait, for you / I'll be looking out, night n' day / Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I stay / I can't go any further than this / I want you so bad it's my only wish

I think of all three LI’s when I listen to this, because it fits into the idea of them struggling to maintain both of their lifestyles and have them mesh together. And it plays into the distance when MPC has to scatter.

Moonlight, Trippie Redd [j]

I can still be your man / I was tryna see your plans / 'Cause I was tryna have this dance tonight / Your body, girl, I'm a real big fan / And I cannot lose this chance / So, baby girl, grab my hand / This moment I'm waiting for, I fantasize / I just wanna be with you, I just wanna be with you tonight / Under the moonlight

This reminded me of the prom scene and how despite the chaos, all three love interests took the time to appreciate MC and soak up their last “date”.

out for the night, 21 Savage [j]

Five foot five (Five), she my ride or die (Die) / Never tell a lie (Lie), we like Bonnie and Clyde (Clyde) / Lookin' at her thigh (Thigh), like, "Do it come with rice?" (Rice) / She don't like FaceTime, she would rather Skype / But I'm out for the night (Straight up) / Out for the night (Straight up)

When I heard this song I could definitely see Colt listening to it, but I think the flirtiness of the song fits for all three love interests! Also, I mean… “she my ride or die” and “we like Bonnie and Clyde”? Self explanatory.

Part of Me, Teo [j]

I believe there's no one in your place / So much lovely / You can cure my mistakes / You reside in me no room for escape

You're my darling / You're my love / You're rocking all of your diamonds / All dressed up / And girl I lost my mind, no, I messed up / So now I'm knocking at your doors with my chest up

You're part of me / Come again and see / Diamonds make you sparkle

This reminds me of the prom scene from the LI’s perspective. And even more so than that, it reminds me of post prom/car chase where they have to say goodbye to each other the last time. It’s like a bittersweet tribute to MC about how much they mean to them and how much they’ll think about them when they’re apart.

Special, 21 Savage [j]

We got something special / I was finna text you / But I don't wanna pest you / Even if we ain't together (no matter we're forever) / I'm still coming to your rescue

Ride with me (ride with me) / Tell the truth and don't you lie to me (lie to me) / You know I need you on my side with me (side with me) / Tell the truth and don't you lie to me (lie to me) / Baby, roll with me (roll with me)

I'mma hold you down forever / You my round forever / They just want to use you, but I'm tryna help you

I think of Colt mostly with this song, but it definitely fits with all of the li’s in my opinion! Logan, Colt, and Mona would all approach their relationship with MC this way – constantly affirming that they’re there for MC no matter what, even if things go South with them, they’re always one call away. And especially the last line “they just wanna use you, but I’m tryna help you” that’s for sure an overprotective LI about the Jason Shaw situation and generally people taking advantage of MC’s kindness.

Drunk on Love, Rihanna [p]

Take me away / I wear my heart on my sleeve / Always let love take the lead / I may be a little naive, yeah

I feel like I’ve heard MC being described as naive, and even in the book Mona is like man it’s your damn heart that got us into this mess because you thought we were more than who we are, so yeah this song reminded me of MC.

Final Goodbye, Rihanna [p]

Thought that you would stay forever with me / But the time has come to leave

Promise you our love will carry on

Final goodbye, MC saying goodbye to their LI, you catch my drift.

The Good, the Bad, and the Dirty, Panic! at the Disco [p]

If you wanna start a fight / You better throw the first punch / Make it a good one

I feel like this lyric specifically is saying that if you’re gonna stand for something, you better give it your all, and it reminded me of how MC came up with the plan to defeat the Brotherhood in the last few chapters of ROD, and to get out of it, they really had to go all out (AKA MC telling the police everything, meaning the gang had to go on the run). Also, MC just nose-dived into this life and I feel like this lyric is like ‘well sis if you gon be a criminal you might as well do your best’ (and she did when she bodied her first heist I know that’s right, my driver forever <3).

Harder We Fall, Jessie J [p]

So, whatever path we choose to take / There will be highs and there will be lows, the same / Oh, we’ll never run from our mistakes / The harder we fall the harder we try again

I just feel like this is a good song for MC to listen to in the car on her way to Langston yk crying but the windows are down and the wind is wiping your tears so you just keep it pushing because you’ll live and you’re stronger than your lows.

House of Memories, Panic! at the Disco [p]

If you’re a lover, you should know / The lonely moments just get lonelier / The longer you’re in love than if you are alone / Memories turn into daydreams, become a taboo

I think of you from time to time more than I thought I would

I just feel like this is a perfect song for MC going through the motions of leaving their lover behind and thinking about the times they shared because her life with the crew will always be so drastically different than the life she was went to have (going to Langston, being the ‘goody two shoes’, etc.).

Let It Out, Trippie Redd ft. Myiah Lynnae [p]

I need to know, before I tell you, can I trust you?

Idk man this song really just spoke to me.

Saw You in a Dream, The Japanese House [j]

I saw you in a dream / You had stayed the same / You were beckoning me / Said that I had changed / Tried to keep my eyes closed / I want you so bad / Then I awoke and it was so sad

Haven't talked to you in months / And I thought that I might cry / But I'm not that kind of girl

All good things come to an end / But I thought that this might last / But you came and left so fast

I wonder if you'll come visit me again / You're taking your time to reappear / I'm starting to believe that when I call your name / You just don't hear me anymore / And I know that I shouldn't even try / It's a waste of time

I don’t think I need to go super in depth as to why this reminded me of MC, but I do see this as MC’s defeated approach to it in the months/years after meeting the MPC.

Silent Nite, Tink [p]

I put your joy and your feelings ‘fore mine / These days I’m angry, angry inside / No words to say (oh) / One thing to do / Move on and fall back from you / It’s gonna be a silent night / No one here to hold me tight / It’s gonna be a silent night / No one here to hold me, oh, oh I’m lonely / Lost for words (lost for words)

It’s a short song so I just put the whole lyrics in here LMFAO but I feel like this could be MC during her first few nights at Langston. For Hieron at least, I know she went through a range of emotions processing this new chapter without the people she holds dear, angry at the way this is how things had to play out, but all that’s left for her to do is get over it, move on, and get used to not having that support anymore (i.e. like if MC is used to cuddling with [insert LI], they deadass gotta sleep alone now f in the chat).

Smile, Juice WRLD ft. The Weeknd [p]

I’d do anything in my power to see you just smile / I want you to prosper and come proper / Even if that means I ain’t by your side

I spent every day right beside you (‘side you), ‘side you (‘side you) / A hundred pics of me on your phone / Now you’re someone that I used to know

OKAY so I’m absolutely obsessed with this song and the first lyric was definitely giving me Logan x MC because I feel like this is something he could’ve said during his goodbye, like saying something that vulnerable and heartwrenchingly sweet is def on-brand for him, but the second lyric I feel like fits all the LIs. Like because they were part of the crew, they spent so much time with MC, and now that they’re gone, MC has all those pictures and memories that they  want to hold on to them so badly even though they can never be together again (‘now you’re someone that I used to know’)

Stuck With Me, The Neighbourhood [j]

Now I'm feeling guilty for it / Didn't wanna leave / Realized I'm less important / Than I thought I'd be, yeah / I'm not tellin' you for any certain reasons but / I just want your empathy

Our lives keep on gettin' shorter / Losin' opportunity / There might be some other ways of looking at it but / That's just what I see / I been gettin' over myself / Thinkin' about what you need / Then I realised that neither of us matter

You always end up stickin' to me / Somehow, somehow / You are stuck with me / So I guess I'll be sticking with / You are stuck with me / So I guess I'll be sticking with

So I think this song covers a lot of topics for MC. I think the vibe of the lyrics suit MC when she’s dealing with her relationship with her father, being pressured by Jason Shaw, and grappling with whether or not she’s making the right decision despite it all – homegirl was falling in love throughout all of it, too. Reading the lyrics with that lens made me think of each of the lines as a different conversation. The first part sounds like a tidbit of a conversation she could’ve had with her dad or about her dad. The next one is like a realization that despite how careful she is with her choices, nothing matters anyways, if the MC takes a nihilistic approach to it. And the last lyric is her conclusion with the LI that despite everything, she’s happy that she’s with her LI and she’s grateful for their loyalty.

worst behavior, Ariana Grande [j]

I been on my worst behavior / But, baby, I don't need no savior / I'm way outta line / But I kind of like the way I / Feel when I just don't give a fuck

This ain't no game, won't play with you / This time I know I'll stay with you / Just promise you won't say nothin' / Don't you be actin' like that, don't you be actin' like that, babe

Said baby it's just in my nature / To be a little troublemaker

Know you really like the way I / Taste when we kiss, you reminisce / But this ain't the last time / Just stay by my side

This song reminds me of rebellious MC before the gravity of the situation really hits her – the short span of time where she’s not worrying about being Valedictorian or college or her dad’s approval. She’s just living and falling in love for the first time. This could probably work for all LI’s but the specific “troublemaker” line makes me think of an MC who is trying to reassure Logan that she can make her own decisions.

1Day, PnB Rock ft. Ugly God [j]

Momma told me that I wouldn't be shit / Told her one day / I'ma be rich (huh)

One day, I'ma buy a big ass crib  / One day, I'ma buy a big ass mansion / One day, all my fucking diamonds gon' be dancing / One day, I'ma fuck a bitch in the Hamptons / One day, I'ma eat the sushi with the salmon

Dropped out of college, everybody said I'm tripping / Told them be patient, but they ass wouldn't listen / Made it big time, now they fucking with the vision / Now I'm really rich, and my diamonds really glistening

The lyrics kind of remind me of the lifestyle that they live – whether or not they fell for the MC in the process, they all kind of have the motive of money and being successful in their own way. Even though the li’s and MC have their own shortcomings and wants and needs outside of MPC, I like to think of this song as an ego booster and probably representative of their attitudes when they joined MPC at the beginning. Reminds me of Logan especially since he joined the life so early and probably romanticized it for the longest time before it really went to shit. And to add to that, the last lyric is Colt all the way.

92 Explorer, Post Malone [p]

Ooh, baby, I see these muhfuckas’ glancin’ / When my whip stop, then my wheels keep spinnin’

Made a lot of M’s, made a lot of moves

This song is literally all about Post Malone’s precious car so I was like LMFAO why not because everyone in ROD loves their cars and then the last lyric is because they be making a lot of money with their transactions/steals.

Best Friend, Saweetie ft. Doja Cat [p]

Beep beep, is that my bessie in a Tessie?

Listen... I feel like we were robbed of the peak best friend dynamic that could’ve existed between Riya and MC so this whole song is for them (also c’mon MC could’ve snatched a Tesla if she reeaaally wanted too so yup that’s Riya’s bessie in a Tessie).

Lost It, Rich The Kid ft. Quavo and Offset [p]

The Bentley don’t cost shit / I walk out the bank rich

Okay, drank sippin’, lane switchin’ / I done brought my gang with me

Ooh, I might snatch the coupe

First one because they really could get any car they wanted, second lyric because gang always together yk, and last one because they really be stealing cars out here LMFAO.

Royal Rumble, Lil Tecca [p]

My life is a movie, you not ready for that clip

It’s a Royal Rumble

ROD really is a wild ride (‘my life is a movie’) and the ‘it’s a Royal Rumble’ just reminded me of the fact that it’s basically a showdown between two crews where one wins in the end but at what cost.

Runnin’, 21 Savage and Metro Boomin [p]

Runnin’, runnin’, runnin’, runnin’

We run the motherfuckin’ city

Fuck your crew, [redacted], we’ll kill your crew

First lyric is because literally everyone has to scatter by the end of the book, and the second lyric just gave me their vibes, whether or not they truly ran the city. The last lyric makes me laugh because Colt really was about to kill the other crew, the ‘we’ is a lilll bit loose in that sense though LMFAO because I know damn well Toby was not ready to go down like that.

Stuntin’ Like My Daddy, Birdman ft. Lil Wayne [j]

What we doing? Getting money / What they doing? Hating on us, but they never cross / Cash money still a company, and, bitch, I'm the boss / And I be stuntin' like my daddy, stuntin' like my daddy

Colt and Teppei don’t get along, but I like to think that Colt not only bumps this song in his car, but secretly imagines that him and Teppei run L.A. – either together or with Colt taking the reins.

Takin’ Shots, Post Malone [p]

Drinkin’ all night, but we ain’t done yet / Waitin’ on the plug, but he ain’t come yet

Already losin’ control, this is the life that we chose

The first lyric and this song overall just give me club vibes, like the underground one they went to where MC wears that neon fit. The part in the second line that always gets me is ‘this is the life that we chose’ because being a part of this crew was a choice for most, and they knew what comes with this lifestyle.

Trouble on Central, Buddy [j]

So the entire song is pretty much the idea  “I wish life were better and I’m daydreaming about how good things could be for me”. And to be honest, I think that the vibes of that fit Logan when he was young and broke, but at the same time, I could see Colt bumping this song in a convertible.

VEGAS, ABRA [j]

The whole song reminds me of the gambling scene and the high stakes of it. It kind of reads like the MC trying to fit in with dangerous criminals while she’s there despite the MPC thinking she’s not ready for it

[ivyveil]

Mary Me

the one where he proposes aka the 1940s installment of The Soulmates Verse, Sign of the Times

A/N: Bringing this back from AO3, hope you guys enjoy! I wanted to create a series of ‘soulmate’ Harry/Y/N where they try to make it work each decade, and fate hasn’t seemed to get the memo. Here’s my Tumblr masterlist, and my AO3 hub! Thank you for reading, hope everyone is staying safe.

The room was swathed in a deep maroon. Curtains draped against the windows, curves forming around the sills and down the gold columns on either side.

It was a nice restaurant, with expensive-looking candles and fresh-cut flowers on each table. The bar wasn’t fully stocked enough for the crowds milling about, having yet to find its balance of supply since Prohibition ended a few months ago. It was a rough adjustment for everyone, with the prices taking a jolt and the people having to remember what a drink tasted like without poison.

While the idea of a fancy restaurant would allude towards privacy, this dinner was anything but. Granted, it was a personal room but the numerous crowds of friends and family around the table led the mood towards something more lively than dim lights and slow jazz. Tables were pushed against the walls, only a handful actually sitting down, and the band had taken its land near one of the corners, setting up an orchestra to dance for.

It was a gathering, a party.

Nerves were knotted against the floor of your stomach, and despite having a glass of champagne in one hand and hooch in the other, nothing was easing the clench. Perhaps it was residue from hardships that had only ended a few years ago, or it could be the more instinctive nerves - holding alcohol without needing to look over one’s shoulder was still new for everyone. Even now, you saw Nick stealing a glance at the waitstaff, as if sussing out which was the cop.

“‘lright, love?” Harry spoke low, his hand briefly resting against your back as he came around from behind. It wasn’t far into the party, enough time having passed for his entrance to be marked by everyone already feeling tipsy, but not raising an eyebrow at his late arrival.

His suit was understated, a black with minimal design. His mother would tailor all of his suits, resulting in most of them being the absolute extravagant pieces for all the parties he threw - the magnificent ones where the moon grew twice to try and be an inch closer, where the ocean glittered around his villa and you could strain to taste the rose-colored smoke in the air. They were alive with people and spirits and spirited people, and the types who would disappear in the morning and you’d question their existence, but never their stories.

His suit was fine, but his hair was a proper mess. Harry had insisted to you a few days ago, a dopey smile on his face as he leaned against your shoulder, that it was a rebel of the highest degree.  You knew the words were bullshit, but the way he spoke sounded like a home you’d never known, so you listened.

“You need a haircut.” The words came out before you could properly hold them back, the liquor having moistened your throat and disconnected your mind from your choices.

Harry broke into a smile, this time shaking his head slightly so the curls danced, delighted, in the dim glow.

“You like it?” he asked, and you made a sour face in response. He took one of the drinks from your hands, making the low noise in the back of his throat to signal disapproval. Where Harry managed to gather his rebellious streak of societal indignity, but still manage to believe that women should be held up on pedestals and protected, eluded you.

But you were still dizzy with him. Drunk in the way he said your name, caught up in his eyelashes, a fatal swoop in your chest that felt like laying in bed after a long day’s work. You were simply infatuated, but insistent on the fact that the feelings drifted no farther. Infatuation could be controlled, but love.

Love would be an entire beast that you couldn’t battle. It would include leaving him, leaving him because Mary was cemented down in his roots. Not that you’d agree with it, but she was, and it was a reality you lived with.

They’d been sweet on each other for the first couple months. You hadn’t kept up on the details too much. But time had worn their feelings thin, wafering holes poking through in the way they loved. Which was a wrong, horrendous source of comfort to you - but it terrified you, as well. Harry was the embodiment of love, with how he danced and moved and swayed into the moonlight, and yet there was something off in the way he loved Mary. It felt like a commitment for the sake of, rather than motivated each day, and the failures of love haunted you.

“Where’s Mary?”

Harry shrugged, taking a swig of the drink and looking against the crowd. The two of you were propped against the wall, as if only existing in the plane of the party by the physical constraints. If you had your way, your souls would fall through the wallpaper and into something more exquisite.

Harry had a way of making the dullest parties exciting, and you wondered what he had up his sleeve. But his face showed no signs of telling, a crease along his forehead denting in his sudden gloom and moodiness.

“Dunno. Was gonna find her, thought she’d be with yeh.”

That was his mistake, his constant mistake, of seeking his love around you. It was there but not where he expected - it was manifestation he sought, the woman he called ‘darling’ on late nights out, not the friend he called ‘love’ because it meant nothing.

Words didn’t quite fit your mood, so you merely shrugged and shifted your weight between legs. The music had picked up but your feet had been worn to the bone by running all over town the previous night, so you prayed Harry’s stance next to you would dissuade any men from approaching.

“Think I’ve got to end things with Mary, yeah?”

It was a loaded question, especially with Harry’s eyes staring into yours. It was a rush, how the lights cascaded down the side of his face and his hair was a horrible mess, an unsightly vision for anyone in town, but he was utterly angelic nonetheless. It was a weird sensation against your throat, seeing him tragic and sad, and not knowing how to respond that wouldn’t be an attempt to benefit your own tragic and sad.

“Why’d you say that?” you asked.

“It was never right, was it?” He spoke thoughtfully, scanning your face for agreement, and apparently finding some, for he continued. “It’s reached an end.”

Silence befell the two of you, yet it was heavy with the implication of further words against his tongue. They weren’t spoken yet, but you felt with one more moment-

“I’ve got somethin’ I need to say to yeh. After it’s done.” His eyes had swept to his feet, the dirty tips of his shoes from the soil around the town.

You both were misplaced, you felt it in your soul and the way you two would wrap in each other’s auras, clasped at the hands and promising you’d escape this hellhole of a town one day. And it only was proven in how Harry’s eyebrows sloped together, a defiance in the order of things prominent in his pursed lips.

“Okay,” you drawled it out, but Harry didn’t seem to find anything humorous. With a tilted neck, his Adam’s apple bobbing and drawing your eyes in like flies to honey, he downed the rest of your champagne.

“See her over there,” he mumbled, slipping back into the throngs of the party. He was still incredibly visible, a mess of hair and clunky shoes passing through the sea towards his girl. She was sat, pretty and prim, but you could tell she felt only half. Mary had an odd sense about her, a jealousy towards you for sure, but a feeling around her sphere of influence that she wasn’t full unless Harry was there. Half-dazed without, only focused on him with, there was seemingly no win.

The pair of them slipped out into the night together, with your eyes trailing behind. Mary was oblivious as to how the conversation would go, and for that, you were conflicted.

It must have made you an awful person, how the nerves crashed against giddiness. The drinks may have kicked into effect, because before you knew it - you were swaying and dancing against the moonlight, around the tables with the rest of the folk, pained heels clipping against the floor as they did every night, dancing out the mundanity of a town life crippled with the distrust of life. It would be a conversation for the rest of the night, how Harry would retell the dramatic discussion with fire in his eyes and a sadness plunging into his heart, because he always felt guilty and you’d never understand why.

You glided out of the mass, panting with how the dance took your breath away, feeling the redness built up in your cheeks and the sweat on your brow. You passed Nick with his wide eyes and bursts of laughter, and noticed how he winked at you when you left the room. The restroom was calling.

The main hall of the restaurant was bustling with normal activity, waiters dashing around with massively weighed trays balanced against their shoulders. There was a coat rack near the entrance, huddled with pounds of jackets, hats, and scarves, and a lone Harry Styles squatted next to it.

He looked up when you passed by, the hollows of his cheeks straining purple in the grotesque lights.

You paused next to him, almost dashing around to head and pee, but his expression caught you off guard..

He looked in another world. His eyes, blue with morose, opened to look at nothing. Eyelids heavy with almost boredom, but his posture offered enough to let you know his demons were free once more.

“What’s wrong?” you asked, and once he shifted to the side, you took the cue to sit beside him, crossing your legs and ignoring your body’s protests.

His mouth open and closed, his fingers spread wide in front of him to grasp onto his senses, but they were nowhere to be found. His lips were glistening, perhaps from him licking them continuously, but a small streak against his cheek made you think otherwise.

“Was she upset?” It was all you had to offer, but it seemed like you hadn’t struck gold. He continued to mime whatever words that were escaping him, but your attention had been caught elsewhere.

In one of his hands, you had thought he was holding onto his pack of cigarettes. At second glance, however, it wasn’t. It was terrible.

The fact it wasn’t, and the fact his mouth was gaping, and the fact his eyes were glassed and that his shoulders were quivering – it all accumulated into a story you never expected.

A blue velvet box, iconic in its time, holding only one thing inside.

“Harry, is that-”

“She’s pregnant,” he managed to choke out, not glancing at the box, his voice cracking in its sudden revival, “Mary’s pregnant.”

“She’s what.”

“Couldn’t break it off, would she gonna do? Can’t go back to live with her parents, the town’s too far off-” he continued to speak, words that made sense when combined but gibberish with how he stringed them. It was a rant that had been built into his lungs and found a small stream to blow off, with only your collection of stammers breaking through the dam.

“Did you–’re you–is that–”

“Proposed. Bit rushed, didn’t get on a knee, but it did its duty. I did mine, anyhow,” he said, a desperate gloominess clutched your dress as he presented the box. His fingers fumbled against the velvet, nubbed fingertips and signs of bitten skin surrounding the nails.

Opened, the box was empty. The contents were stuck on Mary’s finger, presumably back at the party showing off the latest development in her life.

“Congratulations.” It didn’t feel as if it were you who said anything, the voice too breathless and at ease to have come out of your body, with its thundering heartbeat and screaming mind.

“Gotta get a job, gotta call up Howard ‘n see what’s not ‘n the papers. There’s gotta be something, yeah? Need a crib, now, too.” It was clear his mind was far off, into what he needed to do, in the adult-life that neither of you had never quite fit into, but was now thrust upon him.

All your mind was on, was the trip you two had been planning for the past year. Harry had promised train tickets across the country, down towards where the sun always shone and the waters were constantly warm around your ankles, even in the dead of night. Maps and notebooks had cluttered your office for months, with strings attaching your future endeavors in a maze of findings. It had started out as an escape from the Depression, the one that had seemingly ended but never quite had, the one where your throats were aching for more than speakeasies could offer.

It wasn’t going to happen. It simply couldn’t. You’d never see how he would look, dozed off across from you on your hundredth train, his backpack used as a makeshift pillow. You’d never feel the brutal mountain winds with him. You’d never be able to wander around the greatest cities of America, you’d never explore all the lives you could’ve lived, in towns you never knew existed.

The realization brought you to another moment, another question, one out of place with Harry’s rant but in tune with how your blood ran cold.

“Where’d you get the ring?”

That snapped Harry’s attention, and his bloodshot eyes managed to find you in their blur. Perhaps it was an expectation, for you to ask, but the surprise against his lips, how they parted with a slacked jaw and a sharp inhale, said otherwise.

“Wha’?”

You repeated yourself, and he staggered into a motionless statue of himself, a final shake of his shoulders until he ceased to move. Just stared at you, haunted.

I’ve got somethin’ I need to say to yeh.

“Harry.” To your surprise, it almost sounded admonished.

His eyes were pleading for you not to speak. For speaking would bring it into existence, and he could never juggle it all. Neither of you could, it was a mortal flaw that ran deep into your flesh, and now against your heart, where it felt it would stay forever.

You felt compelled to speak anyway, motivated slightly by the intoxication and the exhaustion and the bitterness in which life was taking from you continuously, without ceasing, and this was the one chance to take something back for yourself. To give a bit of yourself back towards him, to offer a glimpse of the life that could’ve been.

“I would’ve said yes.”

It was quiet.

You thought Harry was being quiet, as well, but his hands reached up to wrack against his scalp, collecting at his hair and his head went between his knees.

He gave a nod, a gentle movement from your perspective, and a choked cry. It was stifled by the sudden uproar within the restaurant – perhaps another fight, perhaps another birthday, you didn’t care – and your arm went around his shoulder, bringing him into your chest.

You cried. Tucked away, hidden behind swaths of clothing that had belonged to the rich and now hung off the poor, surrounded by lights and glamour that suddenly became cheap and instrumental, compared to what you two had deserved. He felt warm against your skin, his forehead now pressed against your shoulder as his body pushed forward in distress. Time stretched to allow for you both to have one moment, a solace against the blazing sun of normalcy. It was one minute until Anne would burst through the party doors, searching for her son, perhaps having caught a glimpse of the truth and knowing where his heart truly was.

But for that minute, his heart was in your chest, the beats matching up, the pair united for a last breath.

The box slipped from his fingers and landed on the floor, half-open and completely empty.

It was a reality you’d have to live with.

[neptunium134]

Neptunium's Fic Masterlist; All stories

Some of these are ongoing and probably won't be updated outside of holidays (uni is a bitch)

As always, check the tags before reading. I will put the rating and some of the main tags in parenthesis next to the title of the work, but the tags on the work will give a better indication of the content.

Formula 1/ Formula 2/ Formula E

Series

Crash and Burn

Crash and Burn (G, a little angst, F1 car crash, oneshot)

We'll Build The World Again (T, multi-chap, ongoing. Slightly more angst than C&B)

Cinnamum

Surprises (G, fluff, mpreg, oneshot)

Another World (G, fluff, post-mpreg, multi-chap, technically ongoing but hasn't been updated in like 3 years sorry)

Fever (G, fluff, mpreg, sickfic, oneshot)

My Suicide Note

I am Damaged (T, major character death, suicide, oneshot)-

My Suicide Note (T, major character death, various descriptions of suicide, multi-chap, technically ongoing but hasn't been updated in like 2 years)

The Path to Isolation (T, angst, attempted suicide, multi-chap, technically ongoing but updates are unlikely)

Lansteban Hamilton

Helpless (G, pure fluff, songfic, oneshot)

Burn (G, angst, songfic, mentioned affair, oneshot. I painted Este and Pierre as bad guys in this one)

Congratulations (T, angst, confrontation, mentions of past affair, oneshot)

The Vandoorne-Alonso Family

5 Times Stoffel Found Out He Was Pregnant (G, fluff, mpreg, a bit of swearing, kids, multi-chap, finished. Would you believe this is my most clicked-on story?)

A Family of Our Own (G, fluff, family fic, post-birth, post-mpreg, kids, mention of abandonment in later chapters (not by Stoff or Nando), multi-chap, ongoing but rare updates)

Misleading Voices (G, kids, 2-sentence horror story-inspired, spoopy, raises more questions than it answers, oneshot)

Family Photo (G, fluff, kids, post-mpreg, multi-chap, ongoing but updates are slow)

Angels and Demons

O Holy Night (G, supernatural elements, Supernatural-inspired, established relationship, 1st person POV, oneshot)

Rewrite This Story (G, supernatural elements, Supernatural-inspired, baby sibling, 1st person POV, oneshot)

Angel (G, supernatural elements, Supernatural-inspired, 1st person POV, oneshot)

Permission (T, supernatural elements, Supernatural-inspired, established relationship, 1st person POV, oneshot)

A/B/O-verse (The first two were actually written for two different fic exchanges, ironically)

Ignorance Makes Fools of us All (G, fluff, getting together, oneshot)

Better Than Good (G, fluff, getting together, mentions of mpreg, oneshot)

Everything Changes (G, fluff, post-mpreg, newborn babies, oneshot)

An Interesting Year (G, fluff, pre-relationship, pre-OT3, getting together, oneshot)

Stand-alone stories

A Soft Place to Land (G, fluff, there was only one bed, drunk character, fuck COVID, party, oneshot)

Altering Nature (G, supernatural elements, halloween, prompt fill, oneshot)

As Long as You’re Here (G, hurt/comfort. established relationship, mentions of a crash but not specific, fluff, oneshot)

Day and Night (G, brothers, family, supernatural elements, oneshot)

Deep Ice (G, historical AU. Written as English homework, oneshot)

Fernaffel prompt fills (T, prompt fills, one-shots. Multi-chap, technically ongoing but hasn't been updated in like 2 years)

Give Me Hope (G, break-ups, babysitting, kids, oneshot)

Great Expectations (G, also written as English homework, oneshot)

He Used To Be Mine (G, angst, mpreg, unhappy marriage, songfic, oneshot)

Hello, My Love (G, soulmates AU, coffee shop/ uni AU technically, oneshot)

Hidden Secrets (T, murder mystery, based off DIP/MM, technically ongoing but has not been updated in a while and I lost my notes on this story when I got a new phone, but if people want it continued, I will re-note and continue)

Hold On (T, attempted sucide, hospitals, songfic, oneshot)

I Found You (G, soulmate AU, uni AU, first meeting, fluff, oneshot)

Judgement Day (T, angst, angst with a happy ending, believed character death, oneshot)

Just One Yesterday (G, slight angst, mostly fluff, family fluff, hurt/comfort, hugs, oneshot)

My Own Land (G, slight angst, mostly fluff, established relationship, stop hating Lance Stroll 2021, oneshot)

One euro and thirty-seven cents (T, assassin AU, prompt fill, implied child abuse, oneshot)

Phasmophobia (T, Ghost Hunting, Phasmophobia game, there's character death but it's a game, so it's not real character death, Computer game, technically a oneshot but who knows, I like creeping myself out)

Raincheck (G, Hurt/Comfort, angst with a happy ending, hospitals)

Say My Name (T, Major Character Death (in chapter 1), ghosts, ghost investigating, haunting)

The First Step (T, AU- elements and magic, based off RWBY, multi-chap, technically ongoing but hasn't been updated in ages)

There Is a Fountain/ No, It Don't Make Sense (T, major character death pre-story, angst, funeral, referenced murder, songfic, oneshot. I finished this when I had a headache, sorry)

Tonight (G, fluff, established relationship, oneshot)

Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story? (T, major character death (sort of), oneshot. Takes place after the 2019 Belgium GP, so if that weekend triggers you, please don't read. One-shot, but the second chapter address some comments I got)

Voltron: Legendary Defender

Red and Blue (G, bookshop AU, oneshot)

Jericho

Sero (T, Major Character Death, suicide, references to depression, overdosing, oneshot)

Midsomer Murders

Down in the Depths (T, oneshot, near-death experience, drowning, oneshot)

Family (T, angst, suicide attempt, implied child abuse, bisexual character, happy ending, multi-chap, finished, co-written with @midsomer4life)

I May Fall (T, angst, child abuse, attempted murder, hospitals, happy ending, multi-chap, finished)

Madness in the Asylum (T, case fic, abandoned asylum, oneshot)

Miracle (T, angst, hurt/comfort, hospitals, multi-chap, ongoing)

Oxidants Happen (T, angst, canon-typical violence, science, oneshot)

The Past is the Present (T, murder mystery, canon-typical violence, Episode: s13e02 The Sword of Guillaume, Episode: s11e01 Shot at Dawn, multi-chap. Co-written with @attic-nights)

Wake Me Up (T, temporary character death, family feels, multi-chap, ongoing)

Welcome to the World (G, fluff, family, kids)

What We Do (T, heavy angst, canon-typical violence, ambiguous/open ending, oneshot)

[siderealxmelody]

I made a Fantasy World!!

@armandlucienduval - this is why I asked! ☺

@silentwcrds & @waywardlightbearer - can you both guess where Alex came from 😉

@ckingsbury1967 - more Cearl lore! Yay! 😆

@candy-addicted-angel

@thevictoryofthepeople

For ease of understanding I'll use fantasy race names with my own in parenthesis. This is inspired by Dimension 20 and Crescent City if anyone is curious. On to the lore!

There is a hub world in deep space that has a mix of Elves (Chol) humans and Orcs (Bauk). Long ago the Celestials ruled over this world. Humans worked in the mines, Elves took care of the infrastructure and orcs did all the menial jobs that were too hazardous for humans.

High King Cearl's first ask was for this world. He had just been fully accepted as part of The Council after a lengthy petition process. Many of his advisors warned him not to ask for anything more. Afterall his very acceptance into The Council declared humans free from Celestial rule, and liberated thousands of human worlds in an instant.

Cearl ignored them and pushed for more. He asked Apollo for a good faith gesture. He'd been there once with his foster father. He had seen the conditions the humans and orcs lived in. It was the first time he realized his world wasn't alone in its plight. It was where he vowed he would change things.

Apollo not seeing much of a reason to hold onto a small mining colony agreed and gave him the world.

That was a couple hundred years ago. Lumeria is a thriving hub world that has a modern earth feel. They have technology mined from the earth and embedded with a tiny piece of their consciousness.

They have social media and schools. Humans, Orcs, and Elves live in relative harmony. Though this peace was hard won after a bloody Civil War that lasted decades.

Cearl himself came to Iron out the constitution to make sure no one group had too much power.

Like any world not everyone gets along. Orcs largely keep to themselves tending to the forests and mountains.

Elves stay in their estates along the coast.

Humans have taken over the urban areas.

But there is one area that all get along - The City of Mu. Mu has a good mix of all three races and all mix in the local schools and community centers.

Lemuria was founded on freedom of religion, as such Mu has places of worship for everyone. Humans worship a variety of gods an amalgamation of Celestial, Elven, and Orchish influence.

Main Verse:

Set in modern times a group of friends are fed up with the corrupt council put into place to enforce the laws of Lemuria. Rumors have begun to swirl of crackdowns on Elven and Orcish gatherings.

These crackdowns are in response to growing outrage of the amount of elven and orcish children thrown into foster care with no chance of reunion with their families.

The story blew up when a group of reporters uncovered a story of human trafficking and cult worship.

Two orcish children had been placed into the foster system after their tribe had been slaughtered by Elves.

A human couple adopted the children and somehow summoned a Gardener (the summoning spells are locked tight in the Hall of Records for obvious reasons) and sold the orcish children's souls to the Gardener.

By the time the story broke the orcish children Eliot and Julia were 15. It sparked renewed calls for better screening for potential homes, and an effort to keep Orcs and Elves with Orcs and Elven families when possible.

Though even that policy has ended in disaster. Many still remember the news story of the screaming half-elf girl as she was taken from the only foster family she knew.

Ariana had been placed in foster care by her mother during an episode of mania. Ariana's mother or other family were never able to track her down.

Ariana was adopted by a human couple with two young children of their own. Ariana fit right in and the couple had been all set to adopt her.

Then, Ariana's grandmother had finally found her and demanded her given to them. After a huge legal battle Ariana was ultimately given to her elven family. A family she had never known or remembered.

Against this backdrop two humans Sandra and Alex wish to change things. They know discrimination well having Malakim blood in their veins.

They can't relate to their peers nor can they really relate to the other races as well.

Sandra held out immense hope that Cearl would return and sort everything out but he hasn't.

He still has more human worlds to liberate, to unite under his banner of equality.

Sandra remembers the story of Ariana well, she even met her as she was friends with her older brother. She was thinking of what to do when news came that the Head of The Council was dead - poison.

She wants to know who is targeting councilmembers and why. Maybe she could help them change things.

She ropes in Albus, his Elven betrothed Gellert and her brother Alex into helping her. This was as much about changing things as helping her brother. Ever since his wife had been killed during a humanitarian mission he'd been deeply depressed and irritable. She convinced him to send his girls to their mother's and help her. Along the way they're joined by a human named Erich and the newly of-age Orcs Eliot and Julia.

Roles:

Albus Wicker - Wizard (half-elf)

Gellert Hillhide - Sorcerer (Pure-elf)

Cassandra "Sanda/Sandy-girl" Lennox - Cleric (Nephilim)

Alexandros "Alex" Lennox - Paladin (Nephilim)

Erich Winchester - Barbarian (human)

Julia - Warlock (Orc)

Eliot - Warlock (Orc)

[legolaslovely]

Cheers, King

A/N: Huzzah! I got something out tonight. I got over my little writing hurdles only to have my mind be clouded with some personal stuff, so no in depth Fili story yet, but have this one for Thorin! This idea has been on my mind for a while now! Based on this song. Thank you so much @nerdbirdsworld​ for your help with this one! Hope you guys enjoy! 

Pairing: Thorin x Human!Reader

Word Count: 996

Warnings: alcohol consumption, grumpy Thorin, not fluff, but not angst? Just a thing, lol

Summary: Thorin is not sure about the human woman who has recently joined the company.

Thorin eyed her. If he set aside every gut feeling presently screaming at him, he could see how the human woman could be a good addition to the company. He’d seen her skills with a sword when they found her two days ago, fighting off a small orc pack on her own. That was when he’d tried to help her and she had shoved him away, saying she could defend herself; before Gandalf threatened her, telling her she must join the company.

Thorin didn’t know what convinced her, but sure enough, she was now sitting with Fíli and Kíli a table over, enjoying the ale the tavern offered. Thorin tried to ignore her and relish in the ale, warm fire, and greasy food- things he may not have again until Erebor was reclaimed, but he couldn’t focus on anything but her.

The chair creaked as Thorin leaned back into it and set his folded hands in his lap, eyeing her shadowed face in the dark corner of the tavern. She looked smug. Brows pointed and smirk shining as if she already felt like she belonged. And maybe she did, Kíli was already laughing at something she’d said.

“Thorin, another ale for ye?”

Thorin barely turned to Dwalin. “No. Just the one is fine,” he said. The disappointed server- a tall, ever smiling human woman- crossed in front of him, momentarily blocking his view. “Is every tavern around here run by humans? Is there not at least a hobbit pub nearby we could have gone to instead? We should have stayed another night in the Shire.”

“Thorin. Enjoy the ale while you can, hm?” Balin said, bumping Thorin’s arm.

Thorin hummed, turning his attention back to the woman with his nephews. She whistled, clapping for the small band of musicians in the corner who had just finished their song. The main voice of the group weaved through the tables to (Y/N), beckoning her to the small stage. It was impossible to hear the conversation shared between the two humans over the hoots and cheers, but Thorin saw her shaking her head vigorously and holding her hands out. He read her lips saying, “No, no!” but they soon spread into a reluctant smile as Kíli pushed her to stand and the musician led her forward.

“First she slices orc hide like no human I’ve seen and now she sings too?” Balin said into Thorin’s ear. “What other talents is she hiding?”

“Good question,” Thorin said, downing the last of his ale. 

They’d missed the introduction, but Thorin guessed (Y/N) had sung at the tavern before. The fiddle slowed it’s usual tune and the soft, steady beat of the drum sent her and her audience swaying to the waves of music. Only when it sounded, did Thorin notice they’d handed her a small tambourine to play as she sang. It tapped against her thigh, trousers dampening the bright sound to match the solemn song. She closed her eyes and began to sing of a young maiden who lived alone on the shore and the sea captain who wanted her for his own.

The torches on the wall around the stage left the rest of the tavern dark, like dusk over a still lake. From barely making out her features at the table, now Thorin watched (Y/N)’s face shine bright in the light. It waved over her hair as she threw her braid over her shoulder, cascaded over her high brow as it creased and lifted with her tune, shadowed over her lips that looked even more tantalizing in the night. Thorin was permitted to stare because her own eyes were closed.

Her free hand flew out, delicate fingers leading the musicians and they followed like supplicants after their messiah. The song shifted into a lull of long lines and soaring melody as the captive maiden sang the sailors to sleep. (Y/N)’s lips closed tight to hum the verse and Thorin was drawn in, leaning forward in his seat to hear the thinned sound.

If he closed his eyes he could have drowned. Voice, limbs, breath, hair- all waves pulling him down into danger and ease and freedom and darkness when suddenly, her tambourine sounded and her humming turned to words.

Then she robbed him of silver, she robbed him of gold. She robbed him of costly ware-o. She took his broad sword instead of an ore And paddled her way to the shore, shore, shore, And paddled her way to the shore.

(Y/N)’s eyes had flown open wide and she was smiling, singing loudly of deception and evil. Her foot stomped with the beat as the maiden laughed at the captain, resuming her life alone on the shore with the treasure she’d stolen from the ship. 

Again, she closed her mouth to hum, but this time Thorin was not drawn in. He leaned back in his seat, stretching out a foot and kicking the table, sending Dwalin’s ale sloshing over the wood. He ignored the applause and didn’t hear another word out of (Y/N)’s mouth until he looked up to see her standing above him. Balin had moved to her seat next to Fíli and now the only empty chair in the tavern was the one next to Thorin. She sat in it.

Others within earshot congratulated her, complimenting her voice and offering to buy her another ale.

Thorin grumbled. “How do we know that’s not your plan for us? To steal the gold from our home and run back to wherever you came from?” he asked.

Her brows flew up, accentuating her glowing eyes. “You’ll just have to trust me.” She stood, taking a pair of ales off a passing tray and setting them on the table. She winked and pulled a few coins from her tunic for the server. She put Thorin’s mug straight into his hand before hitting the brim of her own against his. “Cheers, King.”

Taglist! @emrfangirl​ @misslongcep​ @raindancer2004​ @ladybugg1235​ @xxbyimm​ @burningcoffeetimetravel​ @fizzyxcustard​ @fire-flv​ @nerdbirdsworld​ @dashesofink​ @teagarages​ @dark-angel-be-thirsty-af​ @zulfiya-the-warrior-princess​ @winchesterandpie​ @marigoldvance

[prodigiousvisions]

Headcanon/Divergence? [1] (Yosano): Childhood, The Great War, and life after the war.

Initial disclaimer and semi-related note(s)–

So if part of this looks familiar to you, that’s probably because you read it before in its original, rudimentary state. I have quite a few regrets of impulsively deleting my Yosano blog (vivificamortem) tbh due to having an episode, and one of them was not saving the original post of this when I first wrote it. That being said I still think it’s important enough to warrant a rewrite even if I don’t exactly recall the specifics. As this eventually becomes very Fukuzawa and Ranpo orientated/centric, I just want to make it clear this will not apply to your respective muses of these two unless we discuss it. These are considered backstory supplements and characterizations of Yosano and Yosano’s main verse. She does not have mains for Ranpo or Fukuzawa at this time, and I usually... don’t do mains? But for specifics like this, this would probably apply to potential, future mains and warrant mains of these two. If that makes sense. Anyway. This will also include a bunch of new HC details I didn’t have before.

I was going to be mean and not put this under a cut lol but I’ll be merciful since it is extremely thorough and lengthy. 2,300+ words lengthy, and that’s not including this disclaimer. I know I asked people to read this once finished but realistically I cannot ask that in good conscious unless you are genuinely interested/care and actually are into BSD lol. Fleshed out details+conceptualized explanations/characterization below. Content/mention warnings for suicide ideation + attempts, and neglect.

CHILDHOOD

Yosano was an only child. She was not a beloved child, a planned child, nor a wanted child. Her parents would have been inclined to give her away instantly had they not compromised to raise her as a sort of... ‘help’ for the couple’s wagashi shop. It was a regret far before the first sleepless night when she was a baby, but they decided to grin and bear it. Raising Yosano was an arduous task and they made it very clear in how they behaved toward her as she was growing up. Saying that she was simply neglected wouldn’t even begin to describe it. In response to this, as a young girl Yosano developed a loud, brash personality that would more often than not get her in trouble both at school and with her parents. Being punished was never fun, but at least it garnered their attention for a little while before they went back to essentially ignoring her presence. Her adapted personality would not lead to any fruition for her lonely soul at school either, most kids finding her annoying, scary, or would simply view her in scorn for being so outspoken and strange. She began to believe the outlook of her parents: her only use was to be a shopkeep of the family business. The girl debated with herself often what was the worth of life, what was the point to live, if not to live and be frowned down upon at every other moment. Troubled and depressed, Yosano tries her hardest to cope, keeping her chin up but her eyes glued to the floor when in seclusion.

At some point or another Yosano and her parents find out about her ability and the extent of it all. It freaks Yosano out at the start, thinking about how ridiculous it is that someone who contemplated on a daily basis what they truly benefited out of being alive could potentially alter the fate of someone’s life and grant them a second chance. Then for once, she finds worth in herself. It wasn’t something she could actively go and show off of course, but it gave her a purpose. Her dramatized exterior of self-entitlement and loudmouthedness proceeds on of course, but her outlook begins to shift. She has hope. She can do something good for people. And have a (figurative) place doing so. 

This new purpose was an open door opportunity not only for Yosano, but her parents as well. At the first opportunity to do so as they are tired of taking care of this child, they’re quick to send her off, knowing how valuable that ability and its potential was. In this case, it was the military (either catching wind of her ability or deciding to now call on her due to the necessary role in their war strategy) demanding for Yosano to take part personally. It was a ridiculously easy feat to get their permission to send her away. She was technically no longer their responsibility while she was away. Hell, they hoped she would never come back.

She wouldn’t. And that was that. That was the last time she ever saw and would be in contact with her parents.

THE GREAT WAR

It’s worth reminding everyone that Yosano was a child, and the gravity of her new circumstances didn’t quite dawn on her before it was too late. At the start, she was excited to show that she could have worth and be surrounded by people that would appreciate her for what she did. It would be the first time in all of her life that would happen. And it is for these very reasons that she has such strong, genuine, sincere reactions during the chapters/times she is midst the war. While maintaining her semi huffy and self-imposed air, she was also able to allow it to falter a little because for once, she didn’t need to resort to that to be paid attention to. In their initial praise, it did freak her out at first, the foreignness being so strange to her. But she appreciated it, she truly did. (Note: this obviously doesn’t apply to Mori lol.) The unnamed soldier that Yosano interacts with at this time especially strikes a chord with her. His kindness makes her think that maybe if she was fortunate enough, she would have liked to have someone like that as a brother. Maybe someone like that could have stopped the pain she’d endured with her parents. But that was in the past! He was lending her more toward the perspective of hope just as he told her that she was doing for him and the other soldiers. The creation of the butterfly clip, again, freaks her out because she’s unsure how to react to kind gestures. It is the first of its kind– a present, meaningful in its weight and sentiment in a way that she would learn later would continue to influence her life in various, monumental ways. His present interest in poetry is also something that Yosano would find herself enjoying, too. At the time.

Honestly, I really don’t even think it’s worth elaborating on Mori cause. Well. That whole ordeal speaks for itself. His manipulation and obsession grosses her out at its minimum / start and would later be the colossal trigger and collapse of her mental stability and lead to lasting trauma even as an adult. But anyways, back to other details worth note in this timeframe.

The war efforts proceed and we reach the point where things are looking grim and soldiers are getting near fatally injured faster, and coming back in droves. She realizes rather quickly that she bit off more than she can chew; to have to bear witness to these men being on the brink of death and quickly ‘revive’ them like some sort of automated robot would, naturally, mess up anyone. Her haughty behavior drops quickly as she becomes more quiet, tired, horror creeping up her body gradually in the form of slowly raising goosebumps. She’s wondering when the war will be over, and starts to second guess her purpose. Is what she’s doing right? But she’s not hit rock bottom, not yet at least, as the unnamed soldier reassures her the second instance. He relays how her saving him would bring him back to his family. He tells her: “I’m glad that you’re here.” And it makes way for Yosano’s first instance of ever crying in front of someone, feeling an overwhelming amount of gratitude to being seen and the need to trudge forward to protect. Protect those who had a life to return to. He’d been living proof of the importance of life– that life wasn’t always so cruel to others, that she had a chance to be surrounded by those who cared about her too. She cries in her vulnerability.

Things turn for the worst. Every day is a living nightmare. She can wipe away blood from her body, others’ body, but she will never be clean of the endless pools of blood that stained her hands after her treatments. Even at the age of 11, she comes to the realization that she is the single force that shackles all these people to the torture of having to throw themselves into battle again and again for futile efforts. She’s on the brink of a nervous breakdown constantly, but consoles herself with the thought that the unnamed soldier will be able to tell her it’s alright, maybe even help her figure out a way to get them all out of there. Yosano doesn’t want her ability, hell, she’d opt to having no purpose over this. She would trade her life for all of these people. She just needed this to stop. It’s all her fault. 

The person who was the embodiment of her last shred of sanity and piece of hope commits suicide and dubs her the Angel of Death, and that was her final breaking point. The sliver of belief that providing good for people and having a purpose is ultimately gone. Her worldview that she started to have hope for shatters. It was a cumulative, gradual raise of hope for a better life to have it all smashed to the ground. This tied in with the actual events she lived through, clearly, do not help. Trauma blocks it out of her memory later on, but there are plentiful, deliberate suicide attempts from the young girl afterward, wanting out of this hell that her own hands allowed to bear fruit, but for various circumstances and reasons, her attempts would not work and/or she would simply not be allowed to die at Mori’s hands. She is a hysterical, screaming, crying mess until she is no longer able to cry anymore. If not suicide, then alternative methods. Yosano would attempt to blow the ship up with the explosives that were stored at the bottom – it would have been a far crueler end than prolonging everyone’s destined death, but ultimately fails at that as well. 

LIFE AFTER THE WAR

She is apprehended and taken away to an institution where she spends three years in a void of a space, living on earth as if her spirit has long been faded. She is a shell of a person, succumbed to her own despair and doing the absolute bare minimum. Humanity only ever makes itself present in jaded eyes that blink sometimes and the agonizingly slow rise and fall of her chest to indicate that somehow, she was breathing. Living, but not alive. Not really, anyway. She may as well be rotting away, unkempt, unpure, and wishing life would simply put her out of her misery. Devoid of any hope, feeling death would be a start of repenting for her crimes. But it was never that easy. Why would it be? 

Ranpo and Fukuzawa rescue her. We all know how that goes. Let’s touch on some details of after that. 

After rescuing her, the duo have Yosano reside with them in Fukuzawa’s apartment. While Ranpo and Fukuzawa managed to recover a glimmer of hope in Yosano by rescuing her alone, the hope is discarded as she feels she is unworthy of it and they essentially are put in a position where they have to rehabilitate her. These two people cared enough about her to try to help her– she can see it, despite going about like a walking corpse some days. But guilt is overbearing, suffocating, and it shakes her down with constant night terrors that she is too drained to scream at as well as frequent moments where she blacks out without prompting. At this time, the butterfly clip she dares not to remove from her person is a reminder, a grim heavy burden she forces herself to carry on her shoulders that she was not a good person and that this was her karma and hers alone. She should not forget that no matter how good intentioned Ranpo and Fukuzawa were to her. There was absolutely at least one more time she attempted to take her life. Needless to say, it’s a painstakingly slow process, taking about a full year before Yosano can even start to really improve outside of talking to them here and there. 

(I feel like this behavior / state is EXTREMELY similar to how Kyouka starts off as, too, so my Yosano would definitely take to Kyouka more strongly than some others. But that is an entirely different conversation for some other time.)

Once she gets to a point where she can process things again and forcing herself to come to terms with the fact that these two will simply not allow her to remain dormant, Ranpo takes to tutoring her to help get her back on track to where she left off in her schooling, as she was getting stable enough to where Fukuzawa had confidence she could get better. This process was also slow, but Ranpo is quite the good teacher when he wants to be! The endeavor is a success, and she is able to enroll again in public school, where she is still piecing together why she was granted this second chance at life. It feels pitifully ironic, all things considered. As time does, it also grants an opportunity for growth and change. Eventually, she gradually shakes her way out of her shell at snail’s pace. Some days were still harder than others, of course. Getting poetry assignments would make Yosano have full on anxiety attacks where the only solutions of getting her to calm down were to have Ranpo or Fukuzawa at her side, or if at school and neither were present, to be sent home. These instances lessened over time, thankfully, and the episodes would turn to bitter, depressing moments where Yosano would tense up and try to pass it off to Ranpo if she was able in a way that while seemed lukewarm in how she expressed it, certainly held its weight of obvious trauma. 

(She never liked to talk about her issues. Never. And instead almost always opted for distractions as her method of coping. It is a major flaw of hers that you can absolutely call her out for even in present time.)

Yosano will never truly return to being 100% normal, but that’s fine, as she really was never at 100% anyway. Schooling in its own right helped her cope with things and served as a distraction from negative thoughts, and she found herself enjoying it and studying harder than ever before. Assisting in the preliminaries of helping around the detective agency also allowed her to grow into the figurative seat that Ranpo saved just for her. No longer did she have to be abrasive to garner people��s attention, either, becoming more comfortable with an occasional snarky tongue when the situation allowed it, and slowly being allowed to live as herself for the first time. It was truly shocking to see that people liked her for her and not the potential of weaponizing the dangerous ability that she had. Once more was her ambition to help people reignited, but it would be done on her own terms. Compelled by her convictions as schooling was coming to a close, she decided that she would go to pursue higher education at a university while formally getting a degree to become a doctor. It is then when she got accepted that her new self would truly shine, becoming as close as she could to be at peace. This endeavor was sped up to lightning fast speeds because of her drilled in skill of being all the more studious and essentially holding the knowledge of what it entailed already.

Not necessarily integral details, but while in university, she did pick up the hobbies of taking up Kickboxing Classes as well as Dance Classes and are longstanding interests of hers that she maintains even after finishing her schooling. These, too, serve(d) as time slot distractions to keep her thoughts at bay when her mind decided to be a little cruel to her at some moments. Poetry no longer leaves a bitter taste in her mouth and is now a newfound interest of hers. She even writes poetry of her own at times. As of present time, her butterfly clip is still a symbol of burden she chooses to carry and a reminder, but it is also representative of metamorphosis, a chance at a new beginning– a new life. That there was value in life, and that you should live on for those who could not.

[fk12b]

Thrill Of It All

Boxer & Rockstar AU in the 80′s AU

Boxer!Bucky Barnes x Rockstar!Reader

@asadmarveltrashbag’s 3K Writing Challenge

A BLAST FROM THE BAST!: Thrill Of It All

Main Characters: Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Bucky Barnes

Prompts:

“You knocked over my ceramic Hello Kitty piggy bank, bitch”

“Once again, I fell in love with you”

Warnings: So much kissing. Just pure fluff. Boxing??? Rock & Roll??? Old shoes and alcoholism???

Word Count: 6258 Words

A/N: First of all congratulations to my friend @asadmarveltrashbag you’re amazing, and she deserves all the love. Second, thanks for letting me participate in this amazing challenge. And of course, I hope you enjoy this little piece of my mind. Here you go <3000. I’m so sorry for posting this like, so very late.

Based on these songs -> Stacy - Fortune (1985, AOR/Hard Rock/Arena Rock from USA )  + Thrill Of It All - Fortune (I recommend you to listen to these two songs, which they are one of my favorites, while you read this, or simply take a moment to admire these gems. Headphones greatly recommended)

The roar of the crowd could be heard from miles away. They were ready for a good show.

One was King of the ring

The other was the Queen of the pentagram

But they couldn’t care less...

James “Bucky” Barnes needed a moment to relax his mind and clear his thoughts. He couldn’t let his feelings get in the way of this fight, or he would be bound to failure. Sitting on the bench of the changing room, he closed his eyes, letting his head rest in the lockers behind him, taking a deep breath to tranquilize his racing heart. After some seconds, Bucky placed his headphones over his head, pressing play on his walkman.

Always the same routine before a fight. Long deep breaths while he listened to her voice, that was one of the angels, becoming one with the guitar. How lucky he was for being blessed with her voice. Oh, no, she didn’t usually sing. Even though she moved graciously on stage, playing her bass as if it was another part of her body. She was not the lead singer of her group, no. She was the back voice with showgirl soul, brimful of elegance and grace. She was the soul of the rock group.

You stand alone

The look of a stranger in your eyes

Locking the door

Alone in the silence of the night

Pacing the floors, like a cat in the alley

You come and you go, oh such a tease

Barnes could spend hours just listening to her voice, as it made him feel warm, forgetting the rest of the world. The ending of the melody signaled it was the time for him to fight, and once the ballad of the goddess culminated, he stood up from his spot crestfallen, carefully, yet reluctantly putting away his Walkman inside of his bag. He stretched to warm the muscles of his legs, back, arms, cracking his neck, and finally, his knuckles. With newfound strength, he took his silk red robe, wrapping it around his form and putting on the hood, and headed out of the changing rooms, with thoughts of you clouding his mind.

One day I’ll reach down inside

Touch the fire that you hide

A kiss you won’t forget

Just for the thrill of it all

Meanwhile at the other side of the country...

The room you were assigned to in the huge venue’s backstage was almost quiet, with only the background noise the small TV was providing. Some sports channel your friend and lead guitarist of the band, Andy, had left on. You were currently sitting on a black couch, frowning with your elbows resting on your knees and hands laced resting under your nose, debating if you should wear black high heeled boots or just black boots.

The all so familiar opening of the boxing program made you deepen your frown, glaring at the two pairs of shoes on the coffee table in front of you. There was only half an hour left for you to get ready for the show, but all you could think of was your true love, and the argument you had yesterday.

It all started with a small thing. You had been stressed out thanks to the upcoming tour your band was starting today, sorting out last-minute details and making loads of phone calls and meetings with your bandmates, and agent, Tony Stark. Your boyfriend of five years, the world-champion boxer Bucky Barnes, was also tensed due to the nonstop fights he had.

During these past hectic five months, yesterday was the only day both of you had to be alone with each other. You couldn’t talk to each other much since every time Bucky tried to call you, it would go straight to voicemail, as you were twenty-four hours glued to it, talking to your manager or bandmates. And every time you tried to call Bucky to the hotel he was staying at, he would have already moved to the next location.

Bucky’s thoughts went to dangerous areas, thinking you were ignoring him, whereas all you could think of was the tour, as a result of your manager changing completely the detailed planned schedule you gave him, without consulting you, nor the band. You were furious, to say the least.

So, when Bucky finally arrived at your shared home, after five long months of not seeing each other, instead of being greeted with your usual smiley happy face and a tight hug, he was met with your angry self hurrying out of the house, grumbling you needed to go urgently to the studio, sparing him so much than small peck on the cheek.

Once you came back home from the meeting, you were tired and still angry as only half of the problem could be fixed. But Bucky was furious with everything, because his thoughts had clouded his mind, and it only took him to accidentally drop your favorite mug, scattering it into small chiliad pieces for you to snap at each other. The argument grew heated with every passing second until any of you couldn’t take it anymore, ending with Bucky rushing out of the house, knocking some things over after a harsh slam of the door.

When you woke up this morning, at an unholy hour to get ready for the tour, after not having slept a thing as a result of you spending the night crying, Bucky still wasn’t home and you felt hideous. Hence, between sobs, you got into the bus, leaving a letter for Bucky to read, if he ever returned home.

Now it’s up on your feet

Moving around from town to town

I know how it feels

Wearing a smile to hide a frown

When all of the while

I know what you’re thinking

You’re acting so shy

But it don’t mean a thing

The familiar tune, signaling the entrance of the first fighter interrupted your train of thoughts. It was your favorite song that your band had written. The one where the guitar solo, combined with the bass riff of the intro, sounded like a classical symphony, but still having the most heavy metal essence. Every time you played that song, the crowd always went wild with the first two notes and pumping their roar with each passing second. You always joked that it was the perfect song for boxing fight entrance.

And apparently, James Buchanan Barnes thought the same. You looked up to the TV and there he was, walking in all his glory to the ring, with confidence and a fire in his eyes, as if he was a fearful lion king. Your eyes followed his moves until the camera stopped at his face, clouded with determination. But all you could see were his beautiful blue eyes that shone with a newfound intensity. You almost forgot that he had a fight today, regretting not being there in the crowd to support him or watching the fight on the TV.

You were so lost in him and in your thoughts, you didn’t notice your friend JJ, the vocalist, dropping himself next to you on the couch to place a reassuring hand on your shoulder. He was the only one that noticed something was wrong since you set foot in the trailer, while the others were still busy doing last-minute phone calls. But JJ saw right through your happy facade, concern for your wellbeing in his eyes, and you broke down explaining what happened that night.

“Stop worrying, everything is going to be all right” JJ reassured you squeezing your shoulder and bringing you to his side. However, you stayed silent, felling how tears cascaded down your face, unable to stop them. “You know that James really loves you right?” You still didn’t respond, eyes trained on the TV, while you watched how he got inside the ring and walked to his corner. To be honest, you didn’t know if JJ’s words were right. As if sensing your discomfort, he gently shook your shoulders.

“Are you seriously questioning his love for you?” Andy gasped, sitting on your other side, pointing outraged to the TV “That man is forever devoted to you. I have never seen someone look at his significant other, the way Bucky looks at you. You are soulmates. I can see it in his eyes” You chuckled at his words, looking down at your thumbs twining them together, while he patted your leg with a reassuring smile.

Andy has always been spiritual and philosophical of the quartet, you weren’t going to deny his words, but maybe, any other day, you would have believed them fully.

“Ten minutes” The stage coordinator, Jerry, shouted from the door while Chanin, your drummer, waited in the doorway. Quickly, wiping the trail of tears away, you threw on the simple black boots that reached your midthigh, before having a tight group hug the four of you and running together to the side stage, simply closing the door to the room.

No one bothered to turn off the TV, left on the sports channel. Barnes versus Wilson, the fight of the century was on, and as the first notes of the very song Bucky used for his entrance echoed through the venue, accompanied by the roaring clamor of the crowd, the first punch was thrown with the first chord of the first verse.

Wilson started his offensive moves, but Barnes’ defensive was impenetrable, and as Wilson stopped to adjust his stance, Bucky used that opportunity to land one of his famous punches, a powerful right hook thrown with his complete right side of his body, just before the referee signaled the end of the first round, in time with the first song. As if both crowds were one, they roared to support their favorites.

The first half of the fight started quite balanced but as Bucky’s stance remained like iron, tiredness was taking a toll on Wilson’s movements, and halfway throw one of the rounds, Bucky Barnes’ fieriness snaped and started throwing punch after punch, leaving Wilson with no time to respond.

Once Bucky threw one of his famous right hooks, that could shatter any jaw because like many opponents said they felt like iron, the fight was over. Bucky Barnes was victorious, having added another big title to his list. After the two opponents hugged, the world champion belt was given to the blue-eyed man, who hurried out of the ring as soon as he had it in his hands.

The press was left dumbfounded, wondering where the champion had to go in such a hurry, as if he had somewhere else important to be than answering their questions. Of course, he had somewhere else important to be. Better yet, someone important to go to. The journalists seemed to multiply themselves in front of Bucky. The flashes of their cameras blinding him everywhere he looked, in his frantic search for a way out from the sea of press and fans. One of the journalists even dared to jump in front of him.

“Bucky, Bucky, Please. New York Times, Do you have some words for us?”

“I’m retiring. Now, I’m sorry, I have a girl to see” The boxer interrupted the man before he started to bombard him with more questions, while the crowd around them gasped and went wild with questions, with a gentle shove to his arm.

“But-” The young journalist tried to pry more words out of him.

“Please, move. I have a girl to see” Bucky said more sternly this time.

“You heard the champion!” Sam Wilson shouted from his left making both of them turn to him, interrupting the interviewer bugging Bucky “Now, move!” he gestured with his head before locking eyes with the champion throwing a knowing smile his way “What are you waiting for” He sternly said, raising an eyebrow to Bucky, who gave him a curt nod in thanks, shaking his head with a small smirk of his own.

The young reporter gulped in fear, not wanting to upset the prize-winning more, he jumped out of his way, snapping pictures at Bucky’s retiring form, prompting the rest of the press to do the same.

One day I’ll reach down inside

Touch the fire that you hide

A kiss you won’t forget

Just for the thrill of it all

And if it’s only one night

Tomorrow’s yours but the moment’s mine

I’ll shoot my super twist

Just for the thrill of it all

It was past midnight when Bucky got back home. He was tired and battered, new bruises adorning his face. Throwing his bag carelessly next to the door, after kicking it with his foot, he peeled off of his body the leather jacket clinging to him like a second skin with a lot of struggle. His tired self and mind only had thoughts about snuggling with you, but the clatter of a shard, when he took a step made his head snap to the floor. It was then when the memories of yesterday came back overflowing his brain.

How he walked away from you, how the pent up stress took a better of him. Bucky felt horrible, as he crouched down to retrieve the pieces of the mess he made, wishing he could have acted better on his actions. The drained man frowned, not recognizing whatever broken object he was holding, but he was adamant about buying a new one to replace it.

When he left the pieced object on the entrance table, it was then when he noticed the house quieter than usual and all the lights being off. Maybe you were asleep? It was late so it could be understandable, but on the back of his mind, he feared the worst. What if you had left him for good? He couldn’t bear losing you, for a stupid mistake, a stupid fight. You made him a better man, you were his rock. He would be lost without you. 

To collect his thoughts and racing heart, Bucky went to the kitchen to pick a water bottle, running his hands down his face, and letting out a long breath through his nose. As he reached the fridge, the calendar where you wrote down important events, caught his eye hanging on the wall.

On the day of today, there were to events appointed, his fight and your first concert, signaling the start of the tour. It was then he realized he had been a complete stupid asshole. Instead of being caring and understanding about the stress the tours generated you, always making sure everything was settled to the detail, he was the stupid selfish idiotic boyfriend. And what made him tears sting in his eyes was that he wasn’t next to you to support you.

There was also written the name of the town there, only just six hours away. Letting his head hit the wall, he then glanced around the kitchen seeing a folded piece of paper with his name written on it. At that moment, his heart skipped a beat fearing the worst. In a panic, Bucky rushed to pick it up and without opening it he ran to your shared bedroom.

Once he reached the top of the stairs, his heart and mind were at a mile per millisecond and his worst fears became true when he opened the door to your shared bedroom and you weren’t there. 

His mind wasn’t registering anything he was doing or happening, too preoccupied with finding you, as he rushed back to the calendar, for any more details. It was in the side block of notes where the name of the hotel was written. Quickly picking back his leather jacket and bike keys, not caring that his dead tired muscles were screaming at him to stop, he carefully placed the note inside his pocket and roared his baby to life, speeding out of the porch to get to you as fast as possible.

Bucky Barnes drove like a mad man, with only one thought in mind, and he for sure risked his life. But he didn’t care if he had lost you for good. He had to see you and apologize. Now, as he stopped in front of the hotel you were staying at, were a lot of fans had crowded around the entrance to take a peek at their idols, they went feral as all of them recognized him, not letting him stand up from his bike.

The security guards fending the hotel entrance came to his rescue, as they recognized him as your boyfriend, presuming he came to surprise you, pushing people away from him and escorting him, as they marched towards the main entrance, where they told him your room number. With a rushed thank you, he instantly ran up the stairs since waiting for the elevator would take too much time.

Just as Bucky walked throw the corridor leading to your room, he thought clearly. What if you didn’t want to see him? What if you were mad at him? Tired and more anxious than he was ever before, it took him a while to compose his thoughts. What he was going to say, Sorry? It seemed too plain, for his mistakes. He didn’t even have flowers with him.

Once he reached your door, he hesitated on knocking, hoovering his fist over it. He was sure you didn’t want to see him but well, it’s worth a shot. With a ragged breath, he knocked on your door. 

You thought you had dreamed it, but you swore you heard a knock on your door. Taking a quick look at the digital clock with red bright numbers, you realized it was 6 AM. You were still tired as you still didn’t sleep well. It was always hard for you not to sleep near Bucky because he was warm and being in his arms always made you feel safe. Although, it didn’t help much the constant thoughts of the fight you had flooding your mind either. 

Since you didn’t have a concert today, you thought that maybe one of the guards needed something, or one of your friends wanted something, like go sightseeing, before the meet and greet with the fans. You rose from the warm, yet cold bed, placing a robe around you, and trying to tame your mane a bit before you opened the door.

You were surprised to see Bucky on the other side of it, looking down to the floor with a deep frown in his face. “Bucky” you softly whispered, his head snapping up to meet your eyes.

At that very moment, Bucky’s world stopped, again, as if it was the first time he saw you. Even having recently woken up, you were the most beautiful woman of the entire galaxy, and he surely will be blessed if you forgave him. Bucky’s mind halted as he took in your shiny beautiful Y/E/C eyes and merry smile. God, It felt like eons since he had seen that beautiful smile. Had he been this blind all this time?

Without thinking it twice, you crashed yourself forcefully to him, making him stumble a bit at the force, but never losing his balance, hugging him tightly to you. Bucky instantly pulled your much smaller form to him, circling your middle with his strong and sculpted arms. You buried your head in the crook of his neck as you clung to him for dear life as if he was going to disappear at any second, being sure you were still dreaming. You were pressing yourselves into each other so hard, it was as if you were trying to make yourselves into a single entity.

“You came” you whispered closing your eyes, letting him cloud your senses as you felt Bucky move one hand, to cradle the back of your head into his big hand, without letting go of you while you apologized to him.

“I’m sorry, doll” Bucky whispered back in your ear, kissing the side of your head, before cradling your face carefully between his big and battered hands, to rest his forehead in yours “I don’t know if you can ever forgive me, but just know that I love you so much. You are my sun and stars. You make me a better person. I can’t lose you. I’d be so lost without you”

“Bucky” you spoke softly his name as you turned your head a bit, to caress his nose with yours, leaving your lips close to his “What are you talking about?” you wondered frowning, your breath ghosting his lips with each word. Had he not read your letter?

You felt his lips crash into yours in a searing, yet tender, kiss full of love. He poured out every emotion he felt towards you in that kiss. You instantly kissed back holding onto his jacket and pouring out every ounce of emotion into the kiss too. And if it wasn’t for Bucky’s thumb caressing your cheek, you would have thought you were dreaming of this kiss. Bucky’s lips brushed yours, softly, delicately, like butterfly wings, just long enough that he could steal your breath away, feeling the warmth of his skin, and the taste of something undescribable lingering far after. When the need for air felt unbearable, you parted to gasp for air while he rested his forehead on yours.

“Please, don’t leave me” he whispered softly, not wanting to break the magic that surrounded this intimate moment, nuzzling your nose with his, lips brushing together in a feathery touch.

“Bucky,” you said a bit louder this time “What are you talking about?” You pecked his lips, making him hiss a bit as you realized now that he had a split lip, and a bruise forming next to his left eye. Carefully, placing your palm next to it, Bucky leaned into it, after nuzzling it to kiss it “I’m not leaving you, how could I ever leave you? I love you so much.” Bucky couldn’t help but kiss you again, he wanted to get lost in that moment, and so he did until you pulled apart and took shaky, shallow breaths “You are my world, my soulmate” you whispered caressing his cheek looking into his glistening blue orbs, getting lost in them. “You didn’t read my letter did you?”

“I’m retiring” Bucky let out a tired sigh, that’s when you took in his tired form, the bags under his eyes and the still-forming bruises. “I love boxing, but I love you more, doll” He but let his weight slump on you, yet cradling you to his chest.

“James Buchanan Barnes! Did you drive here all night, right after the fight, six hours on your Bike?” you only but freaked out, holding his face to make him focus “Are you crazy! You-”

Bucky silenced you with another kiss, and the world fell away. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. His hand rested below your ear, his thumb caressing your cheek as your breaths mingled, while his other hand got lost in your locks. You ran your fingers down his spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between you both and you could feel the beating of his heart against your chest, running one hand up to his chest.

Definitely, your senses had been seduced and you could no longer think straight. “Y/N” Bucky whispered slowly, prolonging each letter as if to savor them. You smile, your heart fluttering at his voice as you clasped your hands at the back of his neck. Never before has your name ever felt so wonderful “I don’t care, I had to see you” He kissed your forehead as if saying sorry, a weight being lifted over his shoulders.

“You could have come here in the morning, If you had read my letter” you reassured him, untangling your form from his frame reluctantly, dragging your hands down his right arm, the one you knew was scarred and covered in tattoos. Bucky entwined your fingers with his tightly, as you dragged him inside your room, closing the door after him.

Looking down at his clock, he realized it was 6AM. Widening his eyes, at his idiocy he ran his free hand down his face, letting out a long sigh. “Please don’t leave me, I’m sorry for being an idiotic asshole” was all he could whisper as he let you drag him to your bed, making him sit there.

“I’m not going to leave you” You kissed his forehead and scruffy cheeks before you helped him take off his leather jacket and boots “How could I ever leave you?” you carefully peeled the t-shirt that had clung to him like a second skin. You knew he was sore after the fight, as you could see a lot of purple sports covering his skin. After he was only in his boxers, you both got under the covers, holding each other close.

“Because, I’ve been an asshole, baby. I thought you hated me” Bucky spoke tiredness taking over his body, now that he was comfortable and you in his arms. He felt how you kissed his eyelids, that he didn’t know had closed them, as a smile graced his beautiful face, one of your own mirroring his.

“I mean I thought you hated me because I yelled at you” you frowned letting your head fall close to his, laying almost on top of him.

“Uhm, no” he tiredly whined rolling to face you, entwining your legs together “Never, but the note...” he mumbled fighting very hard to stay awake

“We’ll talk in the morning,” you said kissing his lips once more, holding him close to you “Now go to sleep”

“but-”

“Go to sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up” you both let the sleep embrace you, not letting go of each other.

It was a more reasonable hour when you woke up to a feather-like touch, caressing your cheek. You couldn’t help but beam, while you tried to hide, pressing your form closer to Bucky’s chest, that shook as he let out a happy chuckle.

“Good morning, beautiful” he let out in his morning raspy voice as he moved to kiss your cheek, playfully letting his body weight rest on you, making sure he didn’t crush you.

“Morning, handsome” you let out a jawn as you rubbed the sleep out of your eyes, and took him by surprise when you tackled him down to the bed, straddling his lap, as you both laughed non stop.

Bucky thought he was blessed by the angels themselves, admiring your ethereal form glowing in the morning sun, as he caressed your arms. After all this time, each time he looked at you, it was as if it was the first time he saw you. He would find new different glow of lights when the sun touched your skin, new different shades of your Y/H/L Y/H/C locks and the red of your lips. A new different twinkle in your bewitching Y/E/C headlights, when he looked into them and got lost. At that exact moment, that was all he ever wanted and needed.

“What are you thinking?” You wondered with a bright smile, caressing the purples in his chest, knowing that he didn’t hear a word you said.

“Nothing” the blue-eyed man focused on your caring and loving eyes “Once again I fell in love” he moved to a sitting position, holding you gently to him, cupping your face with one hand. Bucky leaned down and softly kissed the tender area at the base of your neck, before leaving a trail of warm pecks along the length of it and throat, to brush your lips together in a searing kiss, warmth radiating from the spot where his lips just touched, slowly spreading through the rest of you. “I’m retiring from Boxing” Bucky announced stopping your next words with a soft and warm peck “Before you say anything, I’ve been thinking about this, and us”

“But boxing is your life” you frowned hugging his neck as he denied adamantly.

“You couldn’t be more wrong” Bucky smiled softly at you “You are my life” he stated kissing your forehead and lingering his lips there “I spend a lot of miles away from you, for just a mere seconds of glory, when all the glory and all I need is right here in my arms”

Your eyes were glistening with happy tears at his words, holding him tight and close to you. You didn’t understand why he needed to give up his dream, just for you. “Bucky, I can’t as you to do such a thing, just to be with me. Boxing is your dream”

“You don’t understand” he spoke softly holding your hands close to his heart “You are my dream, and I don’t ask you. I’m doing this because I want to” He paused for a moment to look directly in your eyes “I want to be with you, forever. I don’t want you to be worried if I will ever come back to you because I took a blow badly. I don’t need all the glory, nor the money. All I need is you”

By now, small tears were running down your cheeks, were Bucky made them disappear with his thumbs. He held your chin delicately between his fingers tilting your head up to meet his eyes. “If that’s what you want, I’m very happy” you nodded kissing him “I just don’t want you to regret a thing”

You watched how Bucky held a finger with a mischievous smile, moving to retrieve something from his pants on the chair next to the bed. He was hiding something between his palms, a big smile not leaving his lips.

“I was planning on something else but this, right here, is the right moment” He moved one hand to reveal a small velvet box, and carefully opening it to reveal a beautiful diamond ring. You looked at him not believing your eyes, placing a hand over your agape mouth. “A promise to love you forever, I’ll be your friend and my love for you will never end. I will stand beside you, all the way and through the years, as life goes on and on.” He took a deep breath “Y/F/N Y/L/N, will you do me the honor of becoming my lovely wife?”

You could only nod, as by the time he popped the question happy tears were cascading down your face. Taking a deep breath, you croacked a yes as you crashed your lips into his. He had tears of his own as he chuckled when you pulled apart to put the ring on your tembrling hands. You both couldn’t belive it, but now you were engaged, you both feeling as happy as ever. You squealed when Bucky tackled you down to the bed hovering over you, and kissing you in a passionate kiss.

“Uhm, Bucky, Y/N/N?” You heard Chanin hesitan voice as he knocked on your door “I’m sorry for being a party pooper, but we really need to get ready for the meet and greet”

“Oh boy” you gasped having forgotten everything about today, being on cloud nine, that definitely your fiancé have nothing to do with, trying to push him off of you to get ready, to no avail.

“How did you know I was here?” Bucky asked not having any plans to move, until you playfully patted his cheek, and reluctanlty moving off of you.

“We saw your bike when I went to order the breakfast!” Andy happily squealed.

“We heard everything, by the way” JJ squealed too “Congratulations to the newlyengaged” They all cheered together.

“Are you presentable enough, so we can open the door to hug you both?” Chanin wondered.

Between chuckles, you quickly got ready so your friends and bandmates could hug you and congratulate you.

One day I’ll reach down inside

Touch the fire that you hide

A kiss you won’t forget

Just for the thrill of it all

And if it’s only one night

Tomorrow’s yours but the moment’s mine

I’ll shoot my super twist

Just for the thrill of it all

You were halfway through the tour, with Bucky by your side. It was unspoken rule that now that he was here, he had to join for the rest of the tour, and since you were engaged and you wanted to spend the most time together, no one hesitated on making room for one more troubled soul.

One of your bodyguards had injured himself while he chased a fan, that wanted to intrude in the backstage, so everyone thought that Bucky was fit for the job, now that he was retired from boxing. Your other bodyguard, Steve Rogers, didn’t complain either, as he loved having his friend Bucky around. For once, everything was perfect.

Halfway through the concert, after the song ended, usually where you talked with the crowd, you joined JJ this time, picking the microphone in front of you.

“How’s everyone?” JJ cheered making the whole stage go wild in a second “Wow! Are you hyped too, like we are? Holy shit!” You chuckled while everyone cheered again “I see you have decided to joing the small JJ-Talk, Y/N/N” he smirked at you placing his arm around your shoulders.

“Yes, it was about damn time, you know!” you happily spoke making the crowded stadium go wilder, if possible “And besides I have a present for you all!”

“Wohow!” JJ did a happy crazy dance, as the people chanted your name “Are you going to do what we ALL think you are going to do!” He looked at you spectantly, along with the quiet audience.

You took a deep breath, creating misterious aura, a smile permanently on your face, suddenly becoming nervous, as you didn’t rehearse what you were about to do “Yes” at that word the croud went savage with glee. “I have a song for all the people that are in love, or need a love song, or just simply, y’know, want to enjoy some music, and I don’t even know what I’m even saying” The crowd and bandmates laughed with you.

After thanking, Scott, the stage coordinator, who placed a tabouret and a microphone in the middle of the stage for your little performance, handed you your red Fender Stratocaster with a happy fanboy smile. Taking a look at the side stage for support, were Bucky was standing enjoying the show, next to Steve, you beamed when Bucky couldn’t help but throw a wink at you, along with a kiss.

“Man, you are so whiped” Steve leaned close to whisper to his friend “Wilson was very right”

“Oh, shut up, punk” Bucky slapped his head focusing back on you.

“So, this song is for someone very special” You cleared your throat as the crow awed “You know, is the cheesy moment-”

“Really? We didn’t notice!” Andy joked making everyone in the venue laugh.

“Don’t listening to him! He’s jealous because the song is not about him” you joked back, Chanin fuelling the joke with a Ba-dum-tss “So, I was saying, this a very special moment-”

“And cheesy” JJ repeated joining the teasing.

“SO, of course my song needs a beautiful” you raised your index finger to stop Andy “and cheesy title” by now the spectators were full on joining your antics clapping and whoping when needed “This song is called you still broke my hello kitty piggy bank, bitch”

Everyone laughed and cheered as the illumination dimed until there was only a spot light, pointed at you.

When Bucky heard the tittle, he couldn’t help but let out a chuckle, as he had finally discovered what was the figurine he broke. And for the first time, Bucky was going to hear you magical voice live.

As you strung the strings on your electric guitar, the rest of the world disappeared. He let you magical chant envelop him, there was no crapy cassette on a battered Walkman, around his ears to disturb your magnetism. But no cassette was crapy when it held your voice. It was never possible.

You were singing directly to him. This song was about you both, and even though, you were sharing it with the rest of the world it was entirely yours. You were pouring out your heart, voice becoming one with the guitar, that completed you to perfection. And he understood what that letter he found and held it close to his heart, meant. It was a love letter. It was the love letter turned melody. It was your ballad, your love song.

Just for the thrill of it all

And as the roar of the crowd could be heard from miles away, the King of the ring, run to kiss his Queen of the pentagram, as everyone cheered like there was no tomorrow...

Just for the thrill of it all

...But they couldn’t care less, as they held each other close as their hearts roared and cheered at each other, like there was no tomorrow.

Let me know what you thought about it, feedback is very welcomed. And I’m very sorry for posting this so very late.

[poc-movie-supremacy]

Guardian Angel

Remember that post I made with Joey as beth’s guardian angel? Yeah I turned it into a fic. I hope you guys like it! Comments likes and reblogs are appreciated. Enjoy!

----

Joey opens his eyes to see a vast auditorium. He’s in a magician’s costume that mimick’s the one his father used to wear. The crowd is cheering, and applauding for him, but he doesn’t know why. He can’t really remember anything, and he’s freaking out. 

The crowd asks for another trick and he gives them one like its muscle memory. The trick was complex. It was a trick he never learned.

Joey opened his mouth to call for his father. No sound came out of his mouth. The crowds cheered loudly for him, but it wasn’t happy applause. It had a dark undertone to it, and Joey kept performing tricks, scared of what would happen to him if he stopped.

After a few hours, probably, someone called for him. Hastily Joey bowed to the audience and followed the person backstage. “Dad, Mom!” 

They took him to this house, theirs apparently. No one explained anything to him. When he hugged his parents, he realized his side was hurting. Joey asked his mom about it, but she just bit back tears and tried not to cry. He didn’t want to upset her further, so he decided to figure it out on his own. 

The doors to the house opened up and he saw his grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts and uncles all waving excitedly at him. They ushered them into the house hugging them and talking happily as they went in. He winced as they continued to hug him on his bad side. Joey was confused. He went to all their funerals, or the ones who...

Died

When, he lost his card, and he knelt down, and..

Suddenly Joey shivered like someone stepped on his grave. Wait. Suddenly as he got a vision, or something, he could see his actual grave with someone kneeling on it.  They were wearing sneakers, jeans and a blue sweater decorated with yellow stars. Their hair was in an afro-oh Joey realized that the person knelling on his grave was Beth. 

He strained to hear what she was telling him. “I got you these flowers, I remember you said you liked them cause your aunt used to grow flowers. She was at the funeral. Cameron was there too.” Beth bit back a sob and put on a watery smile. “I think he misses you. His dad’s back in town too. They said it was weird. Ice on the roads, in the middle of fall. Anyways, I finished that book we were reading, the Witching hour. The one with the famous female magician. It was a good book. The girl, she’s so brave. Her father ended up being super proud of her. You would’ve liked it.” Beth had to pause to let a few sobs lose. 

Joey felt like he was going to have a panic attack. He want to go to Beth, and comfort her. Tell her it would be alright, but his mind was already taking him to an old memory. It was the day they died, but the scope of the picture was wider than what he remember. In the trees there was a man looking like a cracked ice sculpture examining the scene before him. Joey wondered why this moment was important. Then Ice Sculpture man blew out and he saw his card move. 

“No.” Joey didn’t think that could’ve been the reason he died. Then the man shifted and he looked like... Mr. Mahkent? Joey watched him further, through different memories to see what the hell was actually going on throughout Blue Valley. 

~~~

So... superheroes were a thing. He watched proudly as Beth managed to save Yolanda from Mrs. Brooks. Joey really wished he didn’t have to see her in that outfit, though. Their fighting was incredible, although a small part of him did worry for Beth’s safety. He watched somewhat closely to make sure Beth was ok. 

~~~

The ISA’s words echoed in his head. They wanted to kill the Junior JSA. Beth. Joey watched their every move more carefully to make sure Beth doesn’t join him anytime soon. Soon, he realized he had some control on the comings and goings down on earth. As he watched over them, he tested out his abilities. 

Joey noted how much time the school delinquent, Rick Harris, spent with Beth. It was interesting to say the least. Rick seemed to almost soften with Beth. “You always were special Beth.” Joey whispered fondly. 

Yolanda smiled more often now. A weight, even a tiny bit, seemed to have lifted off her shoulders. Now, she’s happy. Joey’s happy for her. He also notes that she has a special smile reserved for just Courtney. Joey smiles happy knowing that one of the happiest girls in school finally seems happy again. 

He knew everything was going to go to shit the minute Dr. King woke up. He didn’t think it would be this bad, though. Dr. King is in cahoots with Mr. Mahkent and they plan on doing diabolical things together. Henry Jr. teams up with the JSA. Joey winces at Courtney’s choices, but it’s interesting to note how Yolanda handled the situation and why Courtney choose him. Joey wondered if Courtney ever got lonely in her childhood. 

It gives him a headache to try and keep an eye on all of the JSA members at once. At first he kept his main focus on Courtney, Yolanda, and Henry and prayed that Rick kept an eye on Beth. 

Soon though, he realized that Courtney and Yolanda worked well together and Rick was trying to release a seven-foot zombie. Thankfully, Joey doesn’t need to intervene because Beth’s voice filled with terror was enough to distract Rick from Solomon Grundy. They eventually met up with the others by a gate, the last obstacle from the main world. Meanwhile Joey took a minute to close the door to Solomon Grundy’s cage. It wasn’t open by much, but he’d rather be safe than sorry. When he caught up with them, Henry was facing his father while the other JSA members watched on in horror. 

When Joey saw the tunnel start to rumble and crash down on him he used his powers to simultaneously protect the JSA and hit Henry King Sr. square in the head. Before going to see a former classmate, Joey made sure that Pat and Barbara picked up the JSA from the tunnels. 

“Nice to see you again, Henry.” Henry King Jr. new ghost stared at him confused. 

“You’re dead.” 

“I’ll explain on the way. Come on, I get anxious if I’m not keeping an eye on the Junior JSA for a while.” Henry looked at him confused. 

“You did a wonderful job protecting them and all.” Joey complimented Henry as they walked to Joey’s house. 

After Joey assimilated Henry to the afterlife, Joey showed Henry a bunch of magic tricks as they let the lives of the Junior JSA play out in the background. “Do they like each other?” Henry asked Joey. Beth and Rick were sitting in one of the old cars in Pat’s auto shop. Beth was trying to understand how the car worked while Rick was examining his father’s notebook. In other words they were desperately ignoring the fact they saw their classmate die in front of them. 

“Probably? But then again, I used to spend time with Beth and we weren’t dating.”

“You weren’t?”

Joey wonders if he should tell Henry that he’s actually gay, but he thinks that’s something to save for later. “No, Beth’s just... She’s one of a kind.” Henry nodded like he agreed with Joey and they continued trying out different magic tricks. Joey wanted to see what they could accomplish with Henry’s telepathic abilities. The possibilities are endless. 

Henry looked torn when they found out about the ISA’s plan. “I died for- we died for this? This is why my dad murdered me? Why aren’t they just politicans?” Joey shrugged helplessly at Henry. 

“My father is way too damn dramatic. You didn’t have to kill me for this stupid plan to work!” Henry screamed at the window to the other world.

“They are definitely too extreme in their methods. Come on and focus, Henry, they still want to kill our friends.” Henry nodded and he and Joey kept a close eye on what was happening. 

“They’re splitting up in too many different ways.” Henry complained. 

“Well, let’s focus on the guy’s in the tunnel and keep everyone else in the background.” Joey said. They watched as the JSA and the ISA versed each other. Joey was impressed at how much their fighting abilites improved. 

Henry wanted to puke when he saw his dad masquerade as him to try and trick Yolanda. “He’s going to hurt her.” Henry panicked. 

“Save her, use your powers, I’m going to keep an eye on the rest of them. “ Joey split the window in threes. One on Yolanda, one on the battle in the tunnels, and another on Beth. Henry channelled his ghostly powers to subconsciously warn Yolanda of his father’s trickery. She slashed his throat and she watched him die. Joey cheered happily, then gasped when Cindy stabbed her father. Henry and Joey looked at each other stunned. 

“I mean, you shouldn’t gass your kids.” Joey reasoned. 

Henry nodded in agreement. “Gambler’s releasing Grundy and sending Jordan after Beth.” 

“You take Grundy and I’ll take Jordan.” Joey told him. The window was now split in two one on Grundy and one on Beth. 

“Hey he’s taking off the robot arms!” Joey noted that Rick had four minutes left on his hour. 

“Help me rewind the hourglass.”

“What?”

“Come on, put more time on his clock.” It took a lot of strength, but they managed to give Rick one extra minute. Sadly though, they didn’t realize how close Jordan was to Beth and Barbara. 

They were too late to save Chuck, but Joey managed to heal Beth’s concussion from her slam against the wall. He stayed with her until Yolanda ushered her out the door to watch Jordan and Courtney fight each other. 

Somehow Jordan managed to survive the fall. Joey looked for ways to somehow help the JSA when he saw it. Mike drove along the street haphazardly until Joey guided the car straight into Icicle. (It was the only straight thing he ever did). Not all the ISA members were taken down that day, but their heavy hitters were. Joey finally relaxed knowing that Beth and the others were safe.

~~~

Beth kneeled in front of Joey’s grave uncaring of the fact her jeans were now dirty. “Hey Joey. Long time no see. Sorry about that. It’s been a hectic few months. Jordan died. It’s funny in a horrible way, he also died getting hit by a truck. Can’t wait for the influx of drunk driving talks in school.” Beth paused as she thought. Rick waited calmly a little ways behind her. They had been planning on going to the ice cream parlor, but she wanted to take a detour. “I’m not as lonely as before.” She whispered to the grave. “I have friends now. Rick doesn’t mind my rambling, and Yolanda also read the Witching hour. She said we can discuss it together. I lost Chuck, but Rick says he can fix it. I hope he’s right. I have to go, but I thought I should say that I miss you. I hope you and Henry are having a wonderful time up wherever you are. Bye.”

Joey discreetly wiped tears from his eyes. “I miss you too Beth. We’re okay. Me and Henry? We’re okay.”

[toomuchofabastard]

Heaven’s Final Betrayal (4/6)

[ << CHAPTER 1 ] [ < CHAPTER 3 ]

Fandom: Good Omens (TV)

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Aftermath of Rape/Non-Con, Dissociation, Consensual Anal Sex

Word count: 5,705 (total 15,475)

Fic Summary: It was obvious that Heaven wouldn’t exactly be thrilled about Aziraphale’s role in preventing Armageddon. But neither the angel nor Crowley could have predicted how far they were willing to go to get revenge, and now Aziraphale needs him by his side more than ever.

READ ON AO3

___

This time, Crowley woke to a face full of angel’s chest, the feeling of the carpet brushing against his knuckles, and irritatingly, in spite of his sobriety, a pounding headache. He cracked an eye open and was greeted with a close-up of Aziraphale’s face, looking pensively down at him.

Crowley smushed his face back into the angel’s waistcoat and mumbled something that might have been ‘good morning’. He felt a plump hand run slowly through the back of his hair. When he craned his head back up, Aziraphale was smiling faintly at him. They were still sprawled on the sofa where they’d lain together, bodies pressed close, long into the night. Crowley must have drifted off at some point. Damn it. He’d meant to stay awake as long as the angel was. He hoped he had been alright on his own.

He sat up, cracked his neck loudly, and yawned a little wider than he should humanly have been able to. Aziraphale also rose unsteadily next to him.

“You sleep at all?” Crowley asked.

Aziraphale shook his head. His expression was muted and sombre. He looked tired.

“I was thinking,” the angel replied. “About what you said.” He sighed deeply, a sigh heavy with defeat. “You’re right,” he admitted again. “I can’t keep running away from everything. Burying my head in the sand.”

Crowley rubbed the angel’s thigh fondly.

“It’s going to take some time to come to terms with, that’s all,” said Aziraphale, with fake breeziness. Then he hesitated. “I… I didn’t really believe them capable of such…such…” He didn’t complete the sentence.

“Yeah,” responded Crowley, not really knowing what else to say. That much had been plainly obvious from the way the angel had reacted.

There was an awkward pause. Then Crowley spoke suddenly. “Me neither. For what it’s worth.”

Aziraphale glanced up and laughed lightly, hollowly. “I don’t know whether that makes me feel better or worse,” he said. Then his face settled back into melancholy.

Once again, Crowley didn’t know how to respond. Aziraphale just looked so desperately sad. Over thousands of years, he’d probably seen pretty much every one of the angel’s varied and histrionic repertoire of expressions, but this emptiness and misery broke his demonic heart. Even more so, the thought that there was nothing he could really do to fix it. This wasn’t a situation where he could drop a flippant remark or a line of verse worthy of the bard to light up the angel’s face. He didn’t have the words for this. But he supposed there was one thing he could remind Aziraphale.

“I’m with you,” he said simply.

That brought the angel out of his reverie for a moment. His face softened and he leant into Crowley, the corners of his lips lifting into another genuine smile. Still a shadow of his normal ones, but Crowley felt cheered nonetheless. He hugged him back.

“How ‘bout some breakfast?” he asked after a while.

Aziraphale seemed to contemplate that for a minute, but then he shook his head again. “I’m afraid I’ve… rather lost my appetite.” His face dropped again, his eyebrows pinching with remorse.

Crowley nodded. He supposed that was inevitable, though it still hurt and worried him. It was better than Aziraphale trying to force himself to act like normal, anyway. Fortunately, eating was just a pleasure, rather than a necessity, for them. He was sure they’d get back to it eventually.

He leant closer to Aziraphale again, cupped a hand under his jaw and kissed him softly on his pudgy cheek. “I love you,” he murmured. The angel blinked and smiled up at him again. He laced his hand on top of Crowley’s, eyes closing as he melted into the touch.

“I love you too,” he replied.

◥|⧗|◤

They didn’t do very much for the rest of the day, nor the days following. Aziraphale didn’t express any further interest in leaving the cosy sanctuary of the bookshop, which suited Crowley just fine. The rest of the world could wait. He’d flipped the sign on the door to ‘closed’ the second they’d returned, and as far as he was concerned, it could stay that way indefinitely.

Mostly, Aziraphale pottered about the shop like normal, shuffling books between the shelves in patterns apparently meaningful though inscrutable to Crowley, and sat in his comfy chair and cardigan, thumbing through some old volume, in a blanket of dust. He ignored the phone when it rang. At night, he dimmed the lights so that Crowley could rest, but he stayed awake through until the first beams of sunrise filtered between the window panes and the hubbub on the streets outside started up again.

Crowley watched him closely, and lay around, and dozed, and watched him some more. Occasionally, he tried to kill time by fucking around on his phone (ineffective, it transpired), but he always kept one beady amber eye on the angel.

There was something ghost-like in the way he moved sometimes. Drifting. Untethered. He didn’t hum to himself as he shuffled between the labyrinth of shelves, like he usually did. Crowley missed the humming. His limp seemed to have vanished, at least. Crowley hoped he was healed now. He found himself wondering if Aziraphale would even tell him if he wasn’t.

The angel hadn’t spoken another word about what had happened since that second morning, but Crowley could tell it was still nagging at his mind. He caught him sometimes, staring into the middle distance, deep in thought and with a grave expression on his face. As the days pressed on, blurring into one another, Aziraphale’s mood varied, but didn’t noticeably improve. Sometimes he seemed happy, and Crowley could make him laugh, and it was almost like he had the old Aziraphale back again, like it had never happened. Other times, Aziraphale might have seemed happy to anyone who didn’t know his moods so intimately, but Crowley wasn’t fooled. The fake smiles and cheerfulness returned, despite the angel’s promise.

“Angel, you’re doing it again,” he would say.

“I know, Crowley,” came the tired reply. “Please, just let me have this.”

And sometimes Aziraphale sat and just cried quietly, one hand pressed to his forehead, face marred with grief. Crowley didn’t say anything then, just sat with him in silence and stroked his back until the tears and stifled sniffles stopped. There was nothing left to say, anyway.

It was those times especially when Crowley felt the anger rising within him again. It kept bubbling up at inopportune moments, seemingly unprompted, like molten lava coursing through his arteries, scorching away every other emotion. Damping it back down was a herculean task, and unending, but the last thing he wanted to do was accidentally take it out on Aziraphale. And seeing as the deserving targets of his rage were out of reach - literally - there was nothing to be done with it. He could still feel it though, festering away inside him. Once Aziraphale was better enough that Crowley felt comfortable leaving him alone for a while, he was going to go someplace on his own and scream and howl and claw something - he didn’t know what - to shreds with his bare hands and set whatever was left on fire and watch it burn to ash. It still wouldn’t be enough. But it would help.

Until then, he would be as soft and gentle and patient as he, being a demon, could possibly manage. For his angel. He wouldn’t let him see.

◥|⧗|◤

Hence, he was sprawled out on the sofa one evening, trying not to physically combust, while Aziraphale lingered in the back room, making his first tentative mug of cocoa since it had happened.

It seemed to be taking him longer than Crowley would have thought. When the angel eventually emerged back into the main room and trailed over to where Crowley was sitting, Crowley shifted to face him. The smell of the cocoa wafted into his nostrils and lingered on his tongue, tasting sweet and warm, just like Aziraphale. But as he looked closer, Crowley noticed something.

There were ripples dancing on the surface of the liquid.

“You’re shaking,” Crowley frowned.

“Mm?” responded Aziraphale, blankly. “Oh. Yes.”

He eased himself into the armchair next to Crowley and rested the mug in his lap, glancing vacantly down at it. “Can’t seem to stop,” he muttered. Crowley’s frown deepened.

He leaned forward and tried to catch Aziraphale’s gaze. “Hey.” Aziraphale looked up.

Something was very wrong here. The angel was looking in Crowley’s direction, but as Crowley looked closer, he could see that Aziraphale’s eyes were not actually focusing on his face, but nearer, almost on some invisible plane between them. His gaze was empty. Just like before, Crowley remembered, and dread settled heavy in his stomach.

“Aziraphale? What’s wrong?” he asked, ardently searching those blank eyes for an answer.

The tiniest hint of a crease formed in Aziraphale’s eyebrows. His mouth opened to speak, but for a few seconds no words came out. His eyes drifted away from Crowley’s face and slid aimlessly around the room.

“I… don’t know,” he said eventually, his voice steady but distant. “I feel… strange.” He didn’t say anything further.

Crowley swallowed and tried to stifle the feeling of panic that was starting to rise in his chest. He scanned over Aziraphale’s body, as if searching for a hidden injury, or some clue as to what could have happened, why he was suddenly like this. The wax and wane of the angel’s breast as he breathed seemed a little heavier than normal, but not that significantly. He was still shaking slightly. The cocoa, now rapidly turning tepid, was cradled limply in his lap, like he’d forgotten it was there.

“Angel?” Crowley asked again. Aziraphale turned towards him, and the subtle lines of concern on his face deepened, but his eyes remained blank. His mouth kept moving like he wanted to speak, but couldn’t.

“Angel, please.” Crowley couldn’t keep the falter from his voice.

He clambered out of his seat and closer to Aziraphale. Aziraphale’s hands didn’t resist as Crowley quickly removed the mug to another table, and then grasped them tightly, squeezing in an attempt to get a response from the angel. “I don’t know what to do,” he implored. Still nothing. Shit. Shitshitshit.

In a final desperate attempt to elicit a reaction, Crowley threw himself forward into Aziraphale’s lap, burying his face in his stomach and clinging to him. “Come back,” Crowley whispered. “Come back to me.” He knew he was only talking to himself at this point. The buzzing of panic inside his head made it nearly impossible to think straight. Aziraphale would snap out of this eventually. Right? He had before. He had to. Crowley tried to breathe evenly. He had to.

A few, hideously-long minutes of silence and dread passed, until Crowley suddenly felt Aziraphale’s breathing quicken underneath him. There was a gulp, followed by a quiet, fearful voice. “…Crowley?”

“Oh, thank hell,” Crowley gasped. He looked up at Aziraphale, a dizzying wave of relief washing through him. The angel still looked petrified, but the emptiness in his eyes was gone.

“You scared me, angel,” said Crowley.

Aziraphale said nothing. He was breathing heavily, and his face was now pale and veiled with fear, confusion, and a hint of guilt.

“You were gone. What happened?” Crowley asked.

Aziraphale swallowed again and his forehead creased further with distress. “I-it-it was like… nothing felt… real,” he stammered. “Not even y-you. I-I knew you were,” he added emphatically, “but… it was like I was… disconnected. Everything felt distant. H-hazy. Like I was floating.”

Aziraphale hesitated a moment, and then spoke again. “This, um, this keeps happening.”

“What?” Crowley’s eyebrows shot up.

“N-not as bad as that,” Aziraphale continued, licking nervously at his lips, “but since… you know… sometimes I’ve been feeling s-sort of… detached, and, uh, lightheaded. I don’t know why.”

He turned away from Crowley again, and Crowley saw his chin beginning to tremble. “…Am I losing my mind?” the angel whispered.

“Oh, angel. Why didn’t you tell me?” Crowley sighed.

Aziraphale just shook his head, his face crumpling. Crowley took his hand.

“It’s okay,” Crowley said. He thought for a moment. “D’you know why it was worse this time? Like, what set it off?”

The angel nodded, and bit nervously at his lip. “Th-there’s a book, in the back room,” he began to explain. “Um. Mrs Beeton’s Book of Household Management.”

He stopped.

“…yeah?” asked Crowley after a few seconds of silence, dipping his head.

Aziraphale seemed frozen again for a moment. Then he suddenly blinked back to reality and smiled reflexively, fleetingly, in Crowley’s direction. Crowley’s face darkened and he ran his thumb over the back of Aziraphale’s knuckles as the angel continued.

“Before Armageddon, after the birthday party, they - …Gabriel and S-Sandalphon - they, uh, showed up here to- to check up on me. Well…,” - his voice became hushed and he looked down - “…threaten me, really.” He swallowed loudly again, and Crowley felt a tremble run through his hand. His heart clenched in sympathy.

“Gabriel pretended that he wanted to buy it - the, the book -” Aziraphale continued, and he chuckled weakly, “-and declared it to be pornographic.” He rolled his eyes, making Crowley smirk despite himself. “S-So that we could talk in private, you see,” the angel explained. “They cornered me in the back room… They were standing on either side of me, so I-I-I couldn’t see them both at once, and they were asking all these questions, and Sandalphon was blocking the exit and-” His voice got faster and more breathless as he spoke, until he was almost panting through the words.

“Easy. Easy, angel,” Crowley cut in. “Breathe.”

Aziraphale nodded and his eyes closed. Crowley stroked his back as he wheezed and tried to get his breathing under control. Eventually he seemed to calm, and opened his eyes again.

“So when I saw the book in there, it-it reminded me… ” Aziraphale trailed off again.

He didn’t really need to explain any more. Crowley could intuit the cause and effect easily enough.

He pulled him into another fierce hug.

He’d never known. They’d come here, to Aziraphale’s home, just rocked up unannounced to intimidate him. Backed him into a corner and put the screws on him. Crowley could picture exactly how the ‘conversation’ would have gone. Satan below. Was there no sanctity they wouldn’t violate? Maybe he should have seen it coming after all. No wonder Aziraphale had reacted so badly to the reminder. The undercurrent of the whole situation was sickeningly similar to what had happened in Heaven.

Crowley held him close until they both calmed down. Aziraphale was the one to break the embrace this time, sighing mournfully as he did so. His eyes, half-lidded, dropped back to the floor. Crowley took hold of his hands again.

“I’ll get rid of the book,” Crowley said. That was the least he could do to help.

Aziraphale’s head jerked up. “Don’t destroy it!” he entreated.

Crowley smiled softly. Oh, how he loved this angel. “Wouldn’t dream of it,” he replied. He cupped Aziraphale’s face in his hands and kissed him gently on the forehead. “I’ll take it to a charity shop or something.”

◥|⧗|◤

For now, Crowley hid the book with the theatre programmes, underneath The Sound of Music. No chance of Aziraphale happening upon it there. He might take the opportunity to get rid of that dratted thing too, while he was at it. It was only another reminder of those wankers in Heaven.

The days continued to slip listlessly by, like water gliding off a duck’s back. Now that he knew what to look for, Crowley began to notice when sometimes Aziraphale slipped into that troubling, vacant state. That’s what the whole drifting-around-like-a-ghost thing had been about. How could he have missed that?

The clue was always in the angel’s eyes. Glazed-over, duller than normal. The confirmation was in his response to questions. If he didn’t look over at Crowley, if there was a delay before his response, if the answers he gave were vague and scripted, emptily cheery. He seemed able to carry out his normal routine on the surface - even hold a simple conversation - but challenging that revealed the lack of consciousness underneath.

What worried Crowley the most was the effect this detachment from reality was having on the angel’s memory. Once he snapped out of it, Aziraphale couldn’t always recall what he’d been doing while he’d been in that state. This lead to painful conversations as Crowley had to remind him:

“You read that one yesterday, angel.”

“…Oh?”

“Yeah. You were sitting there for about two hours, I think.”

“I… I don’t remember.” He always looked so distressed and guilty once Crowley pointed it out. “I must have been… ‘away’… I suppose.”

Crowley thought maybe as time passed that the episodes were getting less frequent, but he soon came to realise that some were just so subtle and their routine so established that he had missed them. He hated himself for it.

Aziraphale’s voice, uncertain and fragile, drifted across the bookshop one late afternoon towards him. “Crowley? What… what have we been doing all afternoon?”

“We’ve just been here, angel,” Crowley replied as his heart sank. “You… you’ve been doing things with your books… you were on the computer for a bit…” Aziraphale just nodded hesitantly. Crowley could tell he didn’t recall doing any of that. Guilt and sorrow spiked through him. He should have noticed. Though even if he had, he realised, he couldn’t normally get Aziraphale to snap out of it. He would just stay with him until it stopped. He wished there was more he could do.

Otherwise though, Aziraphale seemed to be getting slowly better. He returned to regular mugs of tea and cocoa, even nibbled on a few biscuits. Cried less, smiled more. Proper smiles, not the previous pale imitations. Damn, Crowley had missed those smiles.

One night, they made their first foray into the outside world for well over a week - at least, as far as Crowley’s flat. Crowley wanted to check up on his plants, which he was sure were mounting some sort of insurrection by now, and it would do the angel good to get out, rather than languishing around the bookshop all day. They ended up staying, and cracking open a bottle or three of something red and alcoholic, collapsing onto the pristine sofa beside each other. It was good to relax a little. Crowley felt the alcohol slowly unwinding him, his body loosening like a string that had been left taut for too long.

Aziraphale got decidedly tipsy, but fortunately drew the line before booze-induced breakdown this time. He was actually… giggly. Crowley could scarcely believe it. He was even further taken aback when the angel suddenly leant close and pressed a quick, sparkling kiss against his unexpectant lips. A bolt of hot lightning seemed to shoot through him. He blinked at Aziraphale in surprise. The angel drew slightly back but kept his face intoxicatingly close to Crowley’s. He gazed up at Crowley, expression hopeful.

Crowley paused, finding himself lost in every detail of the angel’s face. Those blue eyes, locked onto his, so deep sometimes Crowley felt like he was falling into them, drowning in them. The little folds at the corners of the angel’s eyes and every other sketch-like line on his face, from thousands of years of laughter. The way the wine brought a rosy and cherub-like glow to his cheeks, and left a stain, red, on his lips, like rouge. Those lips. Soft, parted, eager. Crowley felt them pulling him inexorably forward, his own mouth parting to match the shape of the angel’s. He held his breath and closed his eyes as they met in the middle, interlocking perfectly together. Fuck, those lips were soft.

Aziraphale returned the kiss, slowly and tenderly, almost reverently. Crowley could taste the Cabernet Sauvignon in his mouth, matching the feeling of it still purring in his own throat. It was like he was drinking him in. The room faded from his awareness as they melted into each other. Crowley raised his hands to caress Aziraphale’s sides, drawing him closer. Aziraphale hummed contentedly and Crowley felt his mouth tighten with a smile as he leaned in and his kisses became firmer. His hand came down to rest on Crowley’s thigh. They felt so consummately fit together, like a set of matching fingerprints, like the quill and paper; made for each other.

As they continued to embrace, Crowley’s hands slowly trailed down Aziraphale’s body to press against his hips. Aziraphale recoiled suddenly and broke the kiss with a small gasp.

“Um, Cr-Crowley,” he stuttered, “I don’t know that I’m ready to-”

Oh, Crowley realised. He thought I meant-

“Hey, no, ’s ok. Didn’t mean anything by it,” Crowley slurred quickly. He reached for Aziraphale’s face and stroked the hair away from his temple with a soft smile. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

Aziraphale broke into a matching smile. There were those little creases at the corners of his eyes again. The angel’s gaze floated down to Crowley’s lips, and he leant back in, his mouth seeking Crowley’s once more. Crowley happily met him as Aziraphale reached his arms behind Crowley’s head and crossed his wrists, locking the two of them together. Crowley placed his hands gently back on Aziraphale’s hips and rubbed around them and his lower back in the same rhythm as their mouths moving together. A great feeling of relief and euphoria flooded Crowley’s body as they kissed. This was how things were meant to be. The two of them as one, safe in the home they’d made, finding pleasure and joy in each other. It felt like finally being able to breathe out.

The stereo, neglected in the corner, quietly clicked into life, and began streaming out the mellow strains of whatever soul record Crowley had last left in there. Did he do that? Or were even more sentient machines in his life starting to develop their own opinions about the soundtrack to his and Aziraphale’s love life? Honestly… Crowley was too lost in their own world to give a damn.

They never went further than kisses that night, but around a fortnight later, they were back visiting Crowley’s flat again. Aziraphale had continued to improve in the intervening weeks, and they were back to something close to their normal routine. He’d opened the bookshop to customers again, albeit with much more restricted hours, and Crowley was more content now to leave him to do his own thing. The angel was eating properly again too, though maybe with less delight than normal. The zoning-out was still happening. Crowley hadn’t yet worked out what to do about that.

They found themselves sat on the sofa again, Aziraphale perched in Crowley’s lap, lips on his, and everything was quiet and peaceful. Aziraphale suddenly parted from him and sat back. Crowley raised a quizzical eyebrow at him.

“I think I’m ready to try,” Aziraphale said, fiddling with Crowley’s necktie.

“Try what?”

Aziraphale made a you-know gesture with his eyes and motioned with his head towards the bedroom.

“Oh,” Crowley said. He had wondered when - or indeed if - Aziraphale was going to want to go to bed with him again, but he’d been waiting for the angel to make the first move. He wasn’t actually expecting it so soon.

“You sure?” he asked. Aziraphale nodded.

Crowley couldn’t help but feel tense as they made their way into the bedroom. He didn’t want this going wrong. The weight of what had happened in Heaven seemed to be sitting on his shoulders like some wicked clawed creature, a constant pressing reminder of everything that had changed. But if Aziraphale said he was ready, well, Crowley could only take his word for it.

Aziraphale settled on the edge of the mattress and reclined back, pulling Crowley down by his scarf to lean over him. Hints of the angel’s cologne flickered in Crowley’s senses as their mouths found each other again. Aziraphale was kissing him more forcefully now. Crowley could feel the angel’s determination as his tongue hungrily searched his mouth. His uneasiness slowly began to fade away as he lost himself in the feeling and the smell of him.

Without breaking the kiss, Aziraphale lifted one arm and clicked his fingers. A thrill raced through Crowley as both of their clothes melted away. Aziraphale shuffled backwards, and then lay back on the bed and spread his legs, gazing up at Crowley through his eyelashes. The sight sent hot blood down to pool in Crowley’s already-aching cock. He slunk forward to join Aziraphale on the bed. The angel hooked his legs around Crowley’s waist and pulled him in. A huff of pleasure escaped from Crowley’s lips as their naked bodies came into contact.

It felt like it had been far too long since he’d seen Aziraphale like this. There was a craving aching through Crowley’s whole body: to touch Aziraphale, to explore his whole body with his hands, to massage and knead all the bare flesh on display to him at last. But having only one hand free, he contented himself with running it slowly up and down the angel’s thigh, loving the feel of the strength of muscle underneath all that ample softness. Aziraphale sighed gently. The angel reached a hand down to where they were pressed together and wrapped his hand around both of their cocks, rubbing slowly up and down. He was just as hard as Crowley. Crowley started to buck his hips into Aziraphale’s touch, relishing the waves of arousal the friction brought and the light moans that soon emanated from the angel with every movement. Clearly, the enjoyment was mutual.

Once he was almost-painfully hard, Crowley sat back up and, with a miracle, applied lube along his erection, shivering slightly at the cold. Aziraphale blinked deliberately as he likewise used a miracle to prepare himself. Grasping his cock, Crowley shuffled until he was in position kneeling between Aziraphale’s raised legs, and then he hesitated. He looked up at Aziraphale. The angel was watching his progress intently, his chest rising and falling heavily and mouth parted. He noticed Crowley pause and lifted his gaze, his eyes meeting Crowley’s. He looked nearly as nervous as Crowley felt, but still just as determined. He nodded earnestly at Crowley. Ok, Crowley thought. Here goes.

Aziraphale sighed quietly as Crowley entered him. Crowley let out a low groan and bit his tongue, eyes screwing up with pleasure, and pressed further in, until the tightness of the angel’s body completely enveloped his throbbing cock. Oh, how he had missed this. He’d almost forgotten how utterly divine it felt to be inside him like this. Aziraphale’s hands gripped the sheets at his sides and he moaned again, but it was a sound of pure ecstasy, not a cry of pain this time.

Reassured, Crowley began to fuck him, softly and cautiously at first, but with increasing passion as the exhilaration overtook him. Aziraphale lay back and let himself shift with Crowley’s movements, continuing to moan. After a while, Crowley moved to press down close against him, so that his hair kept flopping down into both of their eyes as he thrust, and their laboured breaths were mingling with each other. Aziraphale’s hands came up to dance lightly across Crowley’s back. Sharp, sweet arousal rocketed up and down Crowley’s spine to his shaft, and he buried his face in Aziraphale’s neck with a strangled groan of “angel…” Fuck, it felt so good. He was losing himself in the sensation, feeling the first hints of his orgasm building, when there was a sudden voice in his ear.

“Crowley… w-wait…”

Crowley froze immediately, and whipped his head up. Aziraphale’s face had gone slack and his eyes were blown wide and blank, staring straight past Crowley. His hands were still rested on Crowley’s shoulders, but the rest of his body had gone completely limp.

“Oh shit,” Crowley gasped. He pulled out as quickly and gently as he could and clambered off of Aziraphale, falling down next to him. “Angel?” he asked, aghast, as he clasped Aziraphale’s face and pulled him to face him. Aziraphale continued to stare, unhearing.

“Bless it,” Crowley hissed under his breath. The angel’s eyes were like two voids of emptiness, completely transparent. This was a bad one. A bad one. The worst he’d seen yet. Makes sense, he thought. But he needed to snap him out of it.

“Hey. Aziraphale,” he urged, massaging the angel’s cheeks. “Look at me. Focus on me.” Nothing. Crowley swore again.

On instinct, he grabbed the angel’s limp hand and pressed it to his chest, holding it there with his own. “Feel that, feel my heartbeat,” he said. Said heartbeat was fluttering and pounding so hard under his ribs that Crowley could practically detect its echoes through Aziraphale’s skin. “Focus on me,” he repeated. “Come back.”

He sat and waited for a response, holding the same position and concentrating intently on Aziraphale’s face, everything else forgotten. He hated being left alone like this, just waiting, with no idea what to do. Minutes trudged slowly by.

Eventually, the angel began to blink and Crowley saw the light return to his eyes, which shifted around as he took in his surroundings again. Crowley watched as he registered where he was and what had happened, and then the angel suddenly let out a little whimpered “oh” and collapsed into a mess of tears.

“Hey, hey, it’s ok,” Crowley said, and took him into his arms, holding him close.

“It’s not,” Aziraphale gasped. “This isn’t what I wanted to happen,” he sobbed into Crowley’s bare chest. “Y-You didn’t even get to…” He stopped, and his eyes flickered meaningfully down to Crowley’s groin.

For a second, Crowley didn’t know what he meant. Then it dawned. “Oh, fuck that, angel!” he exclaimed. “It doesn’t matter!” As if getting off was the main thing on his mind right now.

Aziraphale broke down into sobs again.

“Oh, angel, please don’t cry. It doesn’t matter, it’s ok,” Crowley said, and rubbed at Aziraphale’s face, trying vainly to stem the flow of tears down his cheeks.

This had been a mistake. He wasn’t ready after all. And of course, now he was beating himself up about it. Crowley couldn’t stand the idea of Aziraphale thinking he’d somehow let him down.

“They had to ruin everything, didn’t they?” Aziraphale said, his voice more bitter than Crowley had ever heard it. Crowley didn’t want to tell him that was probably the point, angel.

“I can’t even make love to you anymore,” Aziraphale continued miserably. “What if I never manage to?”

“Then we won’t anymore. It’s alright.”

Aziraphale sniffed. “That’s not fair to you,” he said.

“Look,” Crowley said. He lifted Aziraphale’s face to his and stared him intensely in the eyes. “I survived six thousand years not having sex with you, angel. I can do another six thousand, and six thousand more, however long. Eternity, happily, if that’s what you need.”

Aziraphale gazed at him, misery and love intermingled on his face, but didn’t reply. Instead he just reached for Crowley and curled up around him, still weeping fitfully into him. Crowley cradled him, heart aching, until Aziraphale eventually finished crying and drifted into a deep, exhausted sleep.

Crowley was still cuddling him when they awoke to the light of the morning. Aziraphale blinked sleepily and shifted closer to Crowley, resting his head on Crowley’s ribs. He looked worn out.

“Are we going to talk about last night?” Crowley asked him.

“Why?” Aziraphale said, and he perked up suddenly. “Do you want to try again?” he asked, face eager.

“No!” Crowley snarled with exasperation. “For Satan’s sake, angel. I want to make sure you’re ok.”

Aziraphale’s face fell. “I’m fine, Crowley,” he responded tersely.

“You cried yourself to sleep, angel, you are not fine,” Crowley snapped back, a note of anger slipping into his tone. Aziraphale just closed his eyes and sighed wearily.

Crowley took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. God, why did getting him to admit his feelings have to be like pulling teeth? he thought, though the hypocrisy of the statement wasn’t lost on him.

“Why are you so focused on this as the be-all and end-all of our happiness?” he asked gently.

Aziraphale looked at him and sighed again. “Because… I like having sex with you, my dear. I want to have sex with you. I enjoy this aspect of our relationship,” he said. “And if… if I can’t do that anymore, it’s-it’s like they’ve won. I don’t want this to be another thing they’ve stolen from me. They’ve already taken so much.” His voice wobbled slightly. “I just want to feel whole again,” he finished.

Crowley sighed too. “Ok,” he murmured. “I understand.”

He twisted a finger distractedly through Aziraphale’s shining curls. He could understand that. The struggle to keep something of yourself when everyone around you seemed bent on trying to break you apart. He wanted Aziraphale to be happy again as well.

“Just remember, as far as I’m concerned, you’re already whole,” he reminded the angel. “And… try not to pressure yourself too much, ok?”

Aziraphale smiled weakly and nodded. Crowley hugged him tight.

“You know I’d do anything for you, angel,” he said, trying to make it sound as deeply sincere as he meant it.

“I know,” Aziraphale replied, his voice warm with affection, and squeezed him gently back.

They snuggled together for a few more quiet minutes, and then Aziraphale spoke up, coyly. “Does ‘anything’ include… fresh croissants from the bakery on the corner?”

A smile cracked wide across Crowley’s face. He propped himself up on his elbow and gazed down lovingly at the angel. “Are fresh croissants vital to your continued health and wellbeing, angel?” he asked humorously.

“Well, they are rather,” Aziraphale replied with affected indignation. He blinked up through his eyelashes, pouting slightly.

Crowley smiled again, then bent over and kissed him right on the tip of his upturned nose. He never could resist that face.

“I’ll be right back,” he promised, untangling himself from the sheets. Aziraphale beamed.

[secretariatess]

@papirouge You’ve blocked me, so I’m unable to respond to your response. I can’t say if this is actually going to reach you, but I felt it necessary to say all the same.

Firstly, to get the bit about Dark Waters (2019) out the way: IMDB has a parental guide so that people can determine whether or not it’s okay for them to watch. This is on all movies listed on IMDB. It’s not a thing where Christian movies are targeted. That being said, I don’t think I can call Dark Waters a Christian movie. It’s a movie based off real events, and just because the main character and his family are supposed to be Christian, it does not make the movie Christian. Regarding the “haven’t seen it” argument- no, I haven’t. Never said I had. But now I’ve watched 24 minutes of it and God’s name is used in vain twice. Yes, I do consider go**amn not only a cuss, but taking God’s name in vain. The main character himself uses Jesus’s name as a cuss. There’s also language in it, and considering the amount used in the first twenty-four minutes and IMDB’s listing, I’m going to say it only gets worse from there. This may have been depending on where you watched the film, as there are sites that remove stuff like that.

My point in bringing up the movie is that you freely accuse Christians of watching shows with content you have deemed unsound, yet you watched a movie with elements that other Christians would certainly have issue with. Things like using God’s name in vain (violation of the third commandment in the Ten Commandments) and language (which would be a violation of the verse “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth” Eph. 4:29). If these too are sins, then they should not be taken anymore lightly than what you bring up. 

You constantly brought up “You haven’t even watched it!” as an argument against IMDB’s claims, but can you say you’ve watched all the shows you call out other Christians for watching? If so, then good.  If not, how can you be sure that you’re accusing them correctly? I only say this because your original post really sounds like you’re going after BNHA/MHA, though you also meant in general.

Secondly, you accused me of a couple of logical fallacies. To double check, I presented the entire conversation to someone who is not even on Tumblr and has the ability to remain partial. His assessment was that the logical fallacies you claimed were not correct, but rather that the fallacy used was ad hominem. And I’ll own up to it. I was trying to call you out on hypocritical behavior. To be very clear: I do not care about you watching Dark Waters.  I do not care that you hold the opinion that you do. I do care, however, about the hypocrisy in your statements. Where is my Scripture for this? Certainly the passage of the plank in your eye and the speck in other’s comes to mind (Luke 6:41-42). And if it’s true you were able to avoid the cussing in the movie because of the platform you watched it on, how is it different than a Christian skipping an episode of a show they watch because they know it’s bad? 

Thirdly, you claim that you are on a mission with righteous anger. I would first recommend looking at what 1 Corinthians 13:1 says. “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal.” If your mission is driven solely by righteous anger, you’re just making sounds. There is no depth to what you are saying. You can be speaking the truth, but it would not matter.  Further on in the chapter (v.5): “[Love] is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” Again, if you’re just so full of righteous anger, perhaps take a step back and ask yourself if you’re approaching this with love or self-righteousness. If it’s only fueled by anger, are you really doing this for anyone else’s sake but your own? To sate that anger? I’ve been there. I still will go there. I’ll know I’m right about something and I can have an initial reaction to pound out a response steeped in how right I am and it’ll be fueled by the anger of seeing the other person be so wrong about their stance on the given topic according to Christianity.  I have posts way back that reflect that. But just because I was angry about the right things, doesn’t mean I was right in holding that anger and using it to prove my point. And honestly, there’d be no love in a response from anger. There wouldn’t. Love isn’t wishy-washy. Love is powerful and there is a way to take a firm, passionate and strong stance while still being loving. But if righteous anger is the only thing driving that passion, the lack of love shows and 1 Corinthians 13 stands ignored.  Consider that the Bible says the Lord Himself is slow to anger. How righteous is anyone’s anger if it comes so quickly and ready to get on anyone’s case? 

Furthermore, you like to use Jesus’s anger at the temple to justify your own anger.  You also use Psalms to further justify it.  But Psalms isn’t a justification for actions done in anger, especially actions that prove damaging.  Even Jesus’s actions in His godly anger were with clear thought.  He went in with clear intentions of His goal and how to accomplish it.  As it is, I’m having a hard time finding the situations comparable.  Constantly getting on someone’s case regarding their media consumption is not the same anger as Jesus driving the marketplace out of the temple.  Cussing someone out (again, I consider go**amn to be a cuss) is not the same as Jesus quoting Scripture to summarize the situation.  As it is, the passages regarding Jesus at the temple don’t mention Him being angry.  We can assume it, but the lack of mention of His emotion means that wasn’t the important part.  The justification for His actions were in His stance on Scripture.  Not in His anger.

Furthermore, for someone on a mission, you do not seek discussion. You do not seek to persuade. This is evidenced by the fact that you’ve blocked me from answering you. You claim that your message is only for those who hear, and your actions say you do not want disagreement or discussion. How is this Biblical? Many passages would disagree with this. We are commanded as Christians to love our neighbor as ourselves (Gal. 5:14) and we were told that the world would know that we are God’s because of the love we have for each other (John 17:23).  But how much love do we have for each other if we’re blocking over disagreement?  Why should you have discussion with others? As Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” If you have a message to share, if you see a problem in the Church, why would you not want discussion? If you hold to the verse, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear,” there should be recognition that it goes both ways. The other person may have something for you to hear yourself.  And if this is your mission, if this is your ministry, then from someone who has heard this many times from people who have done ministry for longer than I’ve been alive, one of the biggest rules of ministry is that you need to be ready to learn. If no discussion is possible, what is is your mission? To be right? Paul himself said that he did what he could to persuade people. Heck, if you go to Acts 17:16-17, you’ll find that Paul reasoned with the synagogue leaders over a matter that distressed him. He did not go in there, proclaim the problem and then promptly turn away so that there was no discussion. If you are on a mission, if you have a message to give, then there should be discussion.

We do have spiritual weapons.  But self-righteous anger isn’t one of them. Scripture, however, is. And it is because of the Scripture that I presented above that I find your rant hard to swallow. Not because I don’t think you have a message to give, but rather because you want it done your way. Believe it or not, I agree with you that Christians should look at their media consumption more carefully. I agree with you that there’s a spiritual battle that many Western Christians don’t see. I think there’s a discussion to be had there. I don’t agree with you that your personal visions and convictions are the convictions of the entire Church (1 Corinth. 8 talks about rights and stumbling blocks, how those with a weaker conscience shouldn’t be looked down on, but at the same time it does not condemn those with a stronger conscience taking certain liberties). I don’t agree with your approach to the matter, with all the righteous anger and dismissing those who do not immediately accept your message. I find that unBiblical. I find it damaging, especially to those who struggle. I find it tears people down instead of building them up.  Just because your message is grounded in Scripture, doesn’t mean the rest of Scripture can be ignored so you can proclaim it how you want.  Just because you might have truth doesn’t mean you have the right to use it to damage.  In proclaiming the truth, in denouncing evil, in hoping to set the record straight, you need to examine yourself to make sure it’s not just your message that’s in line with God, but also your attitude and your actions.