#[ ic ; i wanna live a life from a new perspective. ]

[hochmvt]

𝓈𝑒𝓅𝓉𝑒𝓂𝒷𝑒𝓇 𝓈𝒾𝓍𝓉𝒽, 𝓉𝓌𝑒𝓃𝓉𝓎 𝓉𝓌𝑒𝓃𝓉𝓎𝒻𝑜𝓊𝓇 dear diary,

𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐚 𝐦𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐬, this handsome son of a gun is 𝐚𝐥𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 back and better than ever. august has been a shitshow and september's packed to the brim, but we got a few exciting news here (apart from going on semi hiatus and coming back with a husband i gotta deal with now????? ):

  𝐀) i quit my job !  okay, okay, i didn't quit my job yet (that's on thursday, y'all are invited for drinks after that), but we out here and living our best life and ain't gonna work ourselves to death here. my recent inactivity and semi hiatus was mostly due to working a liiiiittle too much and loosing myself in the process of it. i got one helluva job offer, starting next year, which means i have four months left at my current job. now you may ask yourself why i'm telling you all of this, but fear not, here i am putting things into perspective. my job has been draining me for the past months, my stress levels have been through the roof, which took its toll on my creativity. since i'll still work at the same job for the next four months, full blown texts on google docs will be on an hiatus until then. i am sorry for all of you who have been waiting for replies, but i'm downright stressed to the max. 𝐇𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 . . 

𝐁) i still want to write something. frankly, it's been keeping me somewhat sane, ngl. i've assembled this beautiful queue for you guys, including some memes. my inbox is open for all mutuals, send in as many as you like (if you like that is). that being said: i'll try to focus a little more on the writing part and a little less on extensive DMs. i love being tipsy and philosophical with you guys, but i've written my fair share of 3k answers in DMs alone and that's quite an endavour. i want my DMs to be a little more casual, i wanna check in with you guys and still be tipsy and philosophical with you, just– keeping it a little shorter. if you send something in, i'll get around answering somewhen next week, because . . .

𝐂) my weekend's packed and we got this big job thingy next wednesday, which means overtime and being creatively drained. hence the "𝐢'𝐦 𝐚𝐥𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤". frankly, my entire september's packed, too, but i'll try to pop in more regularly. however, i'm looking forward to getting back in touch with y'all. flood my DMs with loveletters and how you've been. i hope you had a great august, i'm sending y'all strawberry cake, ice cream, love, summer rolls, iced coffee, hugs and moments that feel like colorful showers of spring blossoms. i missed you guys!

𝐃) (bonus fact:) my carrd's currently under construction. i wanted to come back with this big bang and given all the fun things i have planned, i need some time for that. but the second it's up again, you'll hear it here first, pinky promise! much love. thank you for reading and... uh... you now have a special place in my heart.

𝐓𝐋;𝐃𝐑 ⸻ novels are currently on hold. however i'll reblog some memes soon, feel free to interact if we're mutuals. i'll start answering everything next week, still being rather low activity. much love to y'all. carrd's under construction.

[binalakai-archive]

i also wish people would be more receptive to relationship speculation, at the very least. there were so many moments in fionna and cake where simon and fionna’s interactions had me raising my eyebrows and thinking “wow, what’s up with this chemistry rn?” but i know posting about it to see if others also noticed would get me dogpiled lol. glad i’m not the only one entertaining the ship and its implications to/for the characters it encompasses.

also winter king/simon is intriguing as well, if only in a weird homestuck self-shipping (dave and davesprite anyone?) kind of way where both characters get to have major epiphanies bc they’re basically looking into a mirror (may be more of a funhouse mirror for winter king/simon but still works lol)

i do not ship any of these pairings, please dont take this post from a shipping perspective

i apologize in advanced if this post is said messy. its given an opening to many things ive been thinking about since the start of the show and i know i wanna come back to it in case any new developments were to happen at the final season 1 episodes tldr; Kai Talks About how much i Love Very Messed Up Pairings, not because i want them to actually be together, but because i am NOT the type to ignore Seeds That Have been Planted in canon so i will Grow Horrible Realizations i've been having out of them

YEAH NO BECAUSE I LIKE. I JUST WANNA POINT OUT WHAT'S CANON OKAY!! i think this post is like. the only one ive seen that Has Pointed out The Adventure Time Ice King/Fionna dynamic in the lenses of the Simon we have today....and even then thats just a joke post :")

because like. okay. i need people to think about this for a second: yes, ice king didn't Come With with Fionna and Cake's existence, but why in the world would he Choose to be responsible for writing it? for bringing their stories to life and showing off a world that's been living in his head? i genuinely think people don't really like the ugly side of how badly loneliness has mutated Ice King's way of thinking (i mean for gods sake the guy tries to kiss/get with anyone, mf cant even recognize the person he claims to be falling in love with). that, yeah. of course if he had a World Living inside his brain that felt so Real to him that he CONSTANTLY wished for it to not only but true, but one that would be close to him!! one that would welcome him!!!! no matter what itd be, romantic, platonic, To the point of Worship....like ANYTHING that would bring him closer to genuine Connection in his alienating experience. NOTABLY for fionna The Human!!! the human that parallels a real life actual kid that mostly has kicked Ice King's ass to eventually treating him like a Poor confused Old Lost Guy. still, i need to stress the kind of dynamic finn and the ice king have is NOWHERE near the kind of dynamic fionna and ice king have (and even with simon developments included). . ...except this time around, even when he does have his own parallel Ice Queen existing manifesting the Must Needed Rival for their universe to make sense, mutating her character into something that to make her more Vicious/Violent, making Ice King seem Nicer In Comparison and dare i say that, yeah...! some of that HAS been carried onto modern day Fionna!! who CANONICALLY has romantic feelings towards ice prince and the winter king, parallels to ice king/simon himself! just. sorry but i NEED both Simon and Fionna to like. Read Those Stories. I Need them to revisit the VERY specific stories that Ice King felt the need to tell in the first place, his and other people in their lives' inclusions. it would not only reinforce Simon's Influence in the world Period, something that he found himself doubting on ...but also I NEEEEEEDDD to see that can of worms opened. i NEED for Fionna to see for herself the people SHE'S supposed to be representing. i NEED for her to see what kind of void she's been filling in Ice King/Simon's time of existence. i NEED for her to see how big the Obsession GOT, how badly Ice King needed that outlet of escapism (and how much Simon still returns to it in the present day)

^ this moment has been living in my brain ever since the announcement of the Fionna and Cake series that Fionna's fixation on the ice prince, her life, her..everything in general, is more or less a Weird Reflection of the lives of People living Greater Lives than she ever believed to have lived, combined with how said proclaimed experiences of Magic have only been recorded by a guy who Inserted Himself in a world she doesnt even recall living in Im surprised that. hasnt been so Stressed yet in show. im prepared to eat my words if they DO come back to it. but for the time being i really wish Fionna found out how desperate Simon/Ice King was for someone to acknowledge and Desire His Existence, to a degree that would be absolutely humiliating/weird to uncover but Necessary to come back to in order to truly understand the Scope of what 1000+ years of Madness through Ostracization (from others and eventually the Self) Does to a MF

__________ AS OF FOR MY THOUGHTS ON THE WINTER KING, he alas only truly an episode to explore. but the thoughts still exist nonetheless!!! for the most part i can only truly indulge in it out of pure hilarity for its existence, while acknowledging how much im so thankful that winter king was characterized as he was n didnt overstay his welcome, as i didnt find him necessary to stay in the narrative . there's a lot of feelings i have about simon/ice king's perception of himself alone, and how most of it is Either Negative or Overcompensation Due to his own self negativity. which makes me curious on what could come of a Better Version of Himself, looking at the version of himself that has "failed" to conquer the crown the way he has, but contemplated on pursuing romantically, even for a brief moment honestly, i dont blame people for being invested in this pairing (in comparison to fionna/simon, where i cannot myself entertain it even as a joke unlike this one). it makes me curious on what the Winter King's definition of romance is in comparison to Simon's. what could even be desirable, possibly, in the eye's of the Winter King? Does the love of someone you'll go mad over truly make you a Better Person Or Worse? Simon and Winter King existing in the same room together brings up so many questions and possible ways to explore Simon's character. wayyyyyyyyyy less of a "this can be simon's way of practicing self love" thing and MUCH more of a "These Guys Kissing each other would be the equivalent of the Narcissus Tale but with a Distorted Reflection that only Represents You because the reflection Demands That of you"

[karasukarei]

BRO, I WELCOME YOUR NEW PHASE AS A TRUE TUMBLR PERSON BY REBLOGGING THESE DAMN ASKS AND PROMPTS.

I am gonna warn you, I ask A LOT AHAHHAHAHA

14, 16, 18, 20, 22,

23 because YALL KEEP ASKING

24, 25.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU WANNA PROCRASTINATE FROM STUDYING, I GRANT YOUR WISH.

Can't help it fam i'm procrastinating so hard that i'm even considering procrastinating on my procrastinating ^_^

14 - Would you rather know the date or cause of your death?

Cause. What's the fun in living if you're just counting down to your last day? (also if I find out it's in a really lame way I can plan my funeral to be more spectacular to make up for my dreadfully boring death)

16 - Are we really living or are we just slowly dying?

Scientific answer: you're living till your late 20sish, then you are just slowly dying (when cells dying > new cells growing)

Non-scientific answer: Short answer - we are really living. Long answer - This is something that each person can only judge for themselves, because what amounts to "really living" differs from person to person. It only matters if you felt that you have lived, because that's something that only you can judge. A person who felt they were really living is living, but someone who doesn't feel that is slowly dying (but I highly doubt there is anyone who has only felt purely the latter). One more thing: Just because an answer is wrong, doesn't mean that it's meaningless. Just because at that point you feel that everything is worthless, and that you're just waiting for death, doesn't mean that everything you've experienced up to that point was meaningless. After all, didn't it shape your perspective at the end?

18 - If you had to lose a body part, which one would you choose and why?

Appendix (lol)

But the more interesting answer will probably be stomach, cos I always have gastric problems ;-;

20 - If there's hell of some sort, do you think you’re going there?

Hell yeah *closes cupboard on the shelves of yuri on ice doujin in my study room*

22 - Would you kill someone you don’t know to save someone you love?

Mostly yes, but this is context dependent. But in a straightforward "one or the other must die" Saw-like situation, then yes.

23 - Would you rather be burned at the stake but die a saint beloved by all, or die peacefully but have nobody remember you?

I will tell you after you watch Chi ^_^ But it will be same choice as Rafal. We can take the discussion to DMs cos I do have some differing views from you that I think we will enjoy speaking about.

24 - Would you rather eat part of a human heart or a whole human eye?

Heart, cos the texture of eyeballs is pretty gross.

25 - What question would you ask the devil?

Tell me about the life story of the most ridiculous person in hell right now.

[lakesbian]

also re lrb i do think some form of deep-set resentment towards heroes & likely society at large is an important aspect of why alec is so intent on villainy--his family was constantly hunted down and chased around by heroes when he was a child, and no one ever rescued him. at a certain point to mini-alec, that starts parsing as really bitter--people he sees doing dumb cheesy interviews about Doing Good For The World on tv and then just fucking up and uprooting his life when they try to attack his dad and doing nothing to help him in the process. and then he starts getting molded into being his dad, so it's only a fair assumption that they'd want to attack him too. it's just sort of like. that very specific abused kid brand of trauma where people that are held up as societal beacons, as people who are supposed to be helping people like you, just seemingly don't even know you exist, and if they did they might want to punish you. & then he escapes and finds out that yeah, the heartbroken are all over the news all the time, and everyone always talks about the women but never talks about the kids, and society has been watching and putting his home and his life on their evening TV for a bit of voyeuristic drama, and then after 3 seconds of pity in his general direction--if they don't think the kids are all rotten too--they go back to their normal happy lives with their friends and their partners and their children whom they buy things and take out for ice cream and hug and care about. it's why he's so pissed and jealous at sophia, so disgusted and furious that she has a family that actually gives a shit about her and doesn't seem to notice or care--he's carrying around all this unpacked resentment and envy towards Normal People with Normal Relationships who don't realize how fucking good they have it from his perspective. like, he would stab a man to have a real living mother who gives a shit about what happens to him. just so incredibly fundamentally ridiculously lonely, and angry that he's being shut out from everything good everyone else gets to have, and getting that repressed anger he doesn't even realize he has out towards anyone he can justify as Deserving It in his mind. that's where the "eye for an eye, if you don't wanna get back against society for Sucking then why are you even a supervillain" mindset comes from. whether he realizes it or not, he views society at large as being this party of shitty crappy Normal People with happy lives that they don't even appreciate, this impenetrable, envy-inducing group that doesn't give a shit about anyone on the margins like he is, and he wants to Get One Back at it for sucking so bad. now what he really needs is a good hug and about 2 minutes on brian's punching bag (does not have the arm strength to go longer than that) but unfortunately he has yet to realize this and will instead carry on blissfully maintaining that he's totes chill while exploding with rage the second he's given a reminder that other people get to have people who care about them and he doesn't

[greasers-stole-my-social-life]

The Secrets We Tell //

Dallas Winston x OC Curtis sister

Summary: After Cynthia Curtis suddenly gets iced out by her best friend, the notorious Dallas Winston, she’s desperate to take her mind off of him. After hearing about an end-of-the-year party at her school, she jumps at the opportunity to go. She no longer wants to even allow Dallas in her mind because to him, she’s now nothing. Tonight won’t be ruined by the infamous Dallas Winston.

A/N: Hey guys! It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written, but I hope y’all like this one! Lmk if y’all wanna Pt II from Dallas’ perspective, and lmk what u think!

~~~

One whole week. An entire week without even being acknowledged by my best friend. Dallas Winston, known for being a heartbreaker and trouble maker, but never as someone who’s disloyal. He’s not one to shy away from confrontation, so it comes as a surprise to me that he won’t even tell me what he’s upset about. His devotion to the ones he calls friends is something most people admire about the hot head from New York, and something I’ve always flaunted on his behalf to those who don’t know him. How is it that that same person has now iced out one of the first friends that he’s made in Tulsa? How can he throw 6 years out the window like it means nothing? On Monday, I walked to the DX to bother Soda and Steve before going home, and unsurprisingly, Dallas and Johnny were already there. But, would you believe, the second Dallas sees me, him and Johnny say their goodbyes and walk the opposite direction. And on Wednesday, I come home with a box of Razzles, one of Dallas’ favorites, but when I walk through the door with my usual smile, he eyes me up and down, says goodbye to Johnny and Pony, and leaves! Leaves without saying anything! Not even bothering me for Razzles and tackling me for the box like usual! He just leaves! And he calls himself a best friend?!

It stings. But then I get angry. If he can forget about me at the drop of a hat, then I can do the same. I will live my life without Dallas Winston, and be perfectly fine in doing so.

***

“C’mon, Dar, I’ll be back before midnight!” I plead again, following him from the truck and into the house full of our regular group, except Johnny and Dally. The guys watch diligently as we bicker about the party for the 100th time this week. He sighs and swings himself around to face me, “Absolutely not, Cynthia. Not only is it a Soc party, but it’s a Soc party held in the woods. Forget it.” Darry didn’t understand why I needed to go to this party so badly, and it’s not like I could just tell him that my best friend wasn’t talking to me and I needed to distract myself; he’s too matter-of-fact to understand how I feel. He turns back around, and I decide to try one final time, “Okay, first off, it ain’t in the woods, it’s an after-game party at the park, and second, it isn’t held by the Socs; it’s a whole-school party.” Without saying anything else, we file into the house and Darry goes straight to the bathroom for a quick, cold shower.

I watch him turn the corner to the hallway, cross my arms, and plop down on the couch beside Pony. “Why do you even wanna go? You hate school parties,” Pony inquires, placing a bookmark in his copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and glancing over to me. “It’s my last year of high school and I’ve never gone to a party. This is the last one of the year, and I just wanna see what it’s like I guess,” I lie. “Those parties suck anyways...there’s always some soc that drinks too much and convinces his friends to go beat up a greaser with him,” Soda chimes as him and Steve play blackjack at the kitchen table. I narrow my eyes and stare at them in disbelief, “You guys used to go to those parties all of the time, and you still do!” Soda and Steve share a glance with each other before Steve pipes up, “And? We love fighting; it’d be weirder if we weren’t there.” I scoff and throw my head back against the couch as Pony begins to read again.

I sharply sit up as an idea pops into my head, causing Pony to jolt and drop his book. I earn a glare from Pony as he picks up his book again, and I make sure to mouth a ‘sorry’ to him as I give a light squeeze on his shoulder. “Hey, Two? Theoretically speaking, what would it take for you to sneak me into a school party, and tell Darry that we were going to the library?” I ask sweetly. His eyes don’t leave the TV screen as he replies, “It’d take a million dollars for me to lie to Superman, especially when the lie is as unbelievable as me goin’ to a library. Plus, I wouldn’t want to be responsible if you got jumped at the party. Your brothers would skin me alive.” 

Darry enters the living room again, smelling less like tar and sweat and more like tar and soap, and takes a seat in dad’s old chair in the corner, unfolding the newspaper. “Hey, Dar?” I start sweetly. “If it’s a question about the party, drop it,” he states coldly, not taking his eyes off the newspaper. “What if someone came with me? Like, Soda or Two-Bit?” I suggest softly. Darry lays the newspaper in his lap and lets out a big sigh, “Are you going to bother me about this for the rest of the day if I say ‘no’?” “Yup, and for the rest of your life too,” I respond matter-of-factly. “If you can find someone to go with you that I approve of, fine, but I want you back at 10, not 11, not 12. And, if anything happens tonight, you’re never leaving this house again,” he says sternly before picking up his newspaper again.

***

“I still can’t believe you managed to get Darry to say yes to me being responsible for ya,” Two-Bit ponders as he drives us to the party. “I can be very annoying when I need to be,” I smile cockily, watching the street lights flash by the car. The air is cold as it whips through the cracked car windows, the moon full. With it being so close to summer, I would’ve thought it would’ve been warmer, and I’m second guessing my attire. Darry was right, I should’ve opted for jeans instead of this stupid, white skirt that was almost too short for me. Luckily, I had tights underneath, but when it’s cold in Tulsa, you’re gonna be cold regardless of what you wear.

I wonder what Dallas would think of my attire. He knows I hate skirts, but I wear them because of how much Mama said she liked them on me. And he knows I hate parties, and he probably would’ve made some remark about how stupid I’m going to look showing up in some tattered sneakers and an un-ironed black button up. Then he would’ve made fun of the Socs that are gonna be there, probably faking a gag at the very idea of them. He would’ve had the idea in mind that we would tell Darry we were running to the store so that Dallas could buy some cigs, when in reality, he would drag me to another part of town with a house full of drunk, lively greasers that smelt of Brylcreem and cheap beer.

It would be fun—but no. I am going to have a great time without my best friend. I am going to meet new people and celebrate my youth before I graduate and have to get a job and figure out my future. Maybe I’ll drink until my stomach hurts and go home drunk—or maybe not actually; I think Darry would kill me before I ever got the chance to graduate if I did that. But maybe I’ll drink a little! Just enough to feel a soft buzz that makes the world seem less daunting!

“You’re awful quiet for someone who’s been raging about this party for the last week,” Two comments as we’re stopped at a red light. I haven’t told anyone about Dally icing me out, and I probably shouldn’t, but when an opportunity presents itself…

“Hey, Two? Has Dally been acting weird to you?” I question as I stare out the window. “Not really...” he trails off. I turn to look at him and notice he’s chewing the corner of his mouth. “You’re lying,” I state bluntly, turning to face him with a stern expression. He sighs and giggles slightly, “Not lying, just avoiding, babe.” “Avoiding what?” I press, not taking no for an answer. “I’m really not supposed to say anything. When guys say stuff to each other, it stays between them. I don’t make the rules, I just follow them,” he explains politely. “Liar! You never follow the rules! None of us do!” I laugh, playfully punching him in the shoulder. “Okay, well, you have to drop it on this one. Trouble your brothers with it or somethin’,” he shrugs as he pulls into the dirt parking lot where other Socs and Greasers stand by their cars, some staring us down while others give a quick wave. “He talked to my brothers?” I ask. But Two ignores me, and gets out of the car before he can answer and I can ask more. I step out and walk beside Two and a few other greasers we know that we parked beside.

Whatever. It doesn’t matter anyways, I’m at the party I jumped through hoops to get to. I’m just going to have fun, and ignore my thoughts of Dallas for now. I’m at the party, I’m going to have fun. I’m at the party, I’m going to have fun. I’m at the party–

“Hey! Cynthia, right?” A soft, yet husk voice calls out from behind us. Adam Martin, a tall, dirty blonde, brown-eyed gem from Texas that moved here a couple months ago runs up to us. I don’t know much about Adam other than he has a younger sister named May, made it on the football team despite starting at our school halfway through the year, and he’s awful at math to the point where it’s laughable; but it’s impossible to laugh at him because he’s far too kind. And surprisingly, he’s a Greaser with all of the Soc qualities. Unlike us Greasers, he’s popular, drives a brand new stinger that he won in a raffle a couple months ago, doesn’t put grease in his hair, but has frizz-less curls, and he sports a varsity jacket around school while every girl swoons over him and tacks his last name onto theirs in their notebooks instead of taking notes in English.

“Uh, yeah, we have trig together, right?” I inquire with a smile. “Yeah, that’s right! I didn’t know you’d be here, I’ve never seen you at any parties,” he observes with a big smile, and the whitest, shiniest teeth I’d ever seen. I turn to Two-Bit and wave him off as I walk beside Adam. Two nods his head and runs along with his buddies to find a keg. “Yeah, usually I’m much to busy with homework for parties,” I explain, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, then clasping my hands behind my back nervously as we continue. “I wish you would’ve come to more,” he divulges, and suddenly my cheeks are red and my smile is wide. “Why do you say?” I chirp, glancing up at his chocolate-swirled, hazel eyes. “I’ve kinda always wanted to talk to you since I got here, but I was pretty nervous…especially ‘cuz when I mention your name, your brothers and their friends get brought up a lot. And, I hope I don’t offend you when I say, but they sound like a pretty scary bunch,” he laughs as we reach a vacant bench at the heart of the party and take our seats.

I scrunch my nose with an awkward smile before explaining, “Yeah, I think that’s why a lot of people don’t talk to me. But I can assure you that they only fight if they have good reason!” He chuckles and says, “Well, guess you can’t argue with that.” We both let out a light laugh before catching a glance at each other, the moon and field lights illuminating each other’s features. “Do you want to get something to drink?” I ask, breaking up the moment. He smiles, “Allow me.” He gets up, leaving me at the bench. I glance around and catch Two’s eyes, and flash him a thumbs up so that he can return to his group.

See? I can have fun without Dallas! Who needs him when you have Adam Martin to keep you company.

I see Adam at one of the coolers, taken away in conversation with Chet Grimes, fellow football player and professional douchebag. I hide my discontent at the sight of Chet, and observe who else is at the party. Lisa Hughes, Cindy Sanchez, Heath Callister, Dallas Winston, James Turnigan—Dallas?! What is he doing here?! He hates these stupid high school parties!

Dallas stands beside Sarah Hannigan as she rambles on and on to him about something incoherent to me, all the while, he appears to be looking around the party. Perhaps he’s people watching like I am. Or maybe he’s looking for me—no. He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t be because he has no reason to. Clearly he’s upset, and that’s why he’s not speaking to me anymore, so he probably has friends with him and he’s looking for them. Whatever, it doesn’t matter what he’s doing.

I look around for Adam, but seem to have lost him in the crowd. Not wanting Dallas to see me by myself, I get up quick and look around for any sign of Two and his friends. It’s as though every single student decided to show up right here, right now. I squeeze past different groups of people and hear a familiar laugh. Thank God, I found Two-Bit!

Two’s already drunker than a gambler at the racetrack, and normally, I’d be annoyed, but, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, I’ve never been happier to see Two in my life. I smile at him and the other Greasers before joining the circle that they’ve created. While the group babbles about their greatest hits against Socs, my eyes dance around the party to try and find Adam. Again, he’s nowhere to be seen, and I try to listen to what the guys are saying. But it’s hard to concentrate when you know your, maybe, best friend is around you, yet you can’t talk to them because your pride prevents you from it.

Why was Dallas here anyways? He’s the one that always talked about how much he hated the whole concept of high school, and how I should just drop out like him. But now he’s here? Doing what? He’d much rather be at the rodeo or at Buck’s, and he wouldn’t be caught dead at some high school kickback at the park. Or at least not usually. Maybe he’s looking for a fight with an easy target? But why would he choose a drunken Soc? He prefers a challenge, even when he’s way in over his head; I can’t possibly imagine him hanging around a party looking to fight some rando wearing tan corduroys and freshly polished shoes.

“There you are!” Adam exclaims behind me, startling me ever so slightly. I turn to face him before he apologizes kindly and hands me a beer in a red solo cup. I say thank you, and follow him to a group of his friends nearby, taking a final glance over my shoulder to see if I could see Dallas again. But I don’t. It’s as though he vanished. Maybe I had imagined him here? Probably, I mean, with how much thought I’m giving him, you’d think I was crazy.

Even though Adam and I stand with the group, we have our own conversation as though the others don’t exist. His family’s broken, like mine, but not in the same way. He has a mom and dad, but they treat him like he doesn’t exist because they’re too focused with work and his little sister, May, who’s just 3 years old. But he explains that she sees him, and he’s okay with things that way. And believe it or not, that Stinger that he won? He absolutely despises it. He jokes about it constantly, causing me to laugh more than I should. He says the car is way too small for a 6’4” guy like him, and he’s embarrassed every time he has to squeeze into that tiny sports car after school. And even more embarrassing, the first time he got out of the car, he practically fell out because one of his shoes got caught on the edge of the floor. His reenactment of the event causes me to laugh louder than I ever should, especially when, during the explanation, Adam actually falls and spills some of his beer on his pristine varsity jacket. I help him back up, and he excuses himself as he chuckles to go and find something to clean up his jacket.

Realizing that the rest of the group doesn’t care too much for my laughing presence, I step away to find Two again, finishing off whatever is in my cup. I see Two by a keg and start making my way over. Perhaps it’s the buzz from the alcohol or the disorienting high of laughing so much, but I don’t realize the tall, dark figure standing beside Two until it’s too late.

“Hey, Cyn,” Dallas greets sheepishly. Two giggles ever so slightly and says, “I will leave y’all to it.” I watch him laugh and stumble away towards a group of girls who seem to be amused at his behavior. “What was that about?” I ask, trying to hold my composure and not seem buzzed. “Hell if I know, that’s just Two, but what are you doing here anyways?” Dallas inquires, seemingly bothered by my presence. “I could ask you the same. You don’t even go to school,” I snap, crossing my arms over my chest.

“What’s your deal?”

“Seriously? You’re gonna ask me that?”

“Okay, fine. Forget it then. What time are you supposed to be home?”

“Don’t see why that would matter to you.”

“Jeez, lay off would ya? It’s a quarter to ten, I can’t imagine Dar would want you out any later than that. Why don’t I take you–”

“No.”

Dallas stares in disbelief. I narrow my brows and turn away to pour myself more beer from the keg, but can’t seem to figure out the spout. Dallas watches in amusement before teasing, “M‘kay, lightweight, let me get that for you.” He scoffs as he fills my cup, and suddenly my eyes start to burn with tears. “Why are you mad at me?” I wince. Dallas suddenly looks confused, “Mad at you—why are you about to cry?” “I’m not, and yeah, you’re clearly mad at me. You don’t talk to be anymore, and you ignore me when we’re at home, and you obviously told Two-Bit something ‘cuz he lies every time I ask him about ya,” I fight back tears, but a couple stream down my cheeks before I wipe them away. He laughs slightly before handing me my drink and guiding me to a fallen tree by the field for us to sit on.

“I’m not mad at you, and also, I’d prefer you didn’t talk to Two about me because half of it won’t even be accurate,” he chuckles, playing with a ring on his finger. “If you’re not mad at me, why aren’t you talking to me? Obviously something’s wrong!” I exclaim as I stand up quickly and face him, causing a little bit of my beer to spill out over my hand. Dallas scoffs again, looking away from me before standing up as well, “It doesn’t matter what’s wrong anyways. You’re fine whether I’m here or not, and I’m sure Darry prefers it that way too! I drink, I smoke, I keep you out past curfew–”

“So all this is because of Darry? He told you–”

“Darry didn’t tell me anything! It’s me, I’m telling you! We don’t make a good team, and you deserve better.”

“What?! Where is this even coming from?! Never once have I said to you I’m better than you–”

“You don’t have to!”

“Cynthia, is everything okay?” Adam surprises me, and I turn around to look at him, tears now freely flowing. “Everything’s fine, she’s just–” Dallas starts. “I didn’t ask you,” Adam glares at Dallas before turning to me again softly, “Are you okay?” My stomach begins to turn, but I confirm, “Yeah, everything’s fine. This is my brothers’ friend, Dallas Winston, the biggest grade-A asshole.” “Why don’t I take you home,” Adam suggests, holding out his hand. My stomach grumbles again before Dallas chimes, “I’ve got it, her brothers won’t be happy with a stranger taking her home anyways.” “Well I’m not letting her go with you if she’s crying and yelling at you,” Adam states firmly. Their words begin to get muffled as the familiar taste of alcohol begins to resurface.

Oh no.

I turn away from both of them, holding onto Dallas’ forearm as I throw up onto the grass in front of me. Onlookers gasp, giggle, point, and everything in between. Adam takes a step back with a look of disgust on his face, while Dallas is quick to place a hand on my lower back while the other holds my hair out of my face. As I lean over and look at my foamy vomit that’s sinking into the ground, I turn bright red, not even wanting to look at everyone else around me.

I’m going to die of embarrassment before I ever graduate, this is it.

Before anyone has a chance to make any sort of joke, Dallas shouts for everyone to hear, “If any of you so much as look at her funny, I will personally make it my mission to make sure you never step foot in Oklahoma ever again!” Eventually, everyone turns around and goes back to their conversations, terrified of the infamous Dallas Winston causing them harm in any way, and I finally look around and don’t feel as scared. “You okay, doll face?” Dallas whispers, keeping his hand on my lower back as I stand beside him and look at Adam. “Uh, you know, I’d better get going, but it was great meeting you, Cynthia,” he awkwardly gives his farewell, taking a final glance at the vomit before walking away briskly.

I cringe at the interaction before glancing up at Dallas. He can’t help but smirk and sigh, “Let’s go home, barf bag.” I glare at him before turning away to smile. As we walk back to the car, a drunken Two-Bit’s laugh can be heard along with some disgruntled Socs. Dallas hands me the keys before saying firmly, “Passenger’s seat, not driver’s, kid.” He walks away to retrieve our giggling jester, and I continue making my way to Buck’s car.

I’d know that car anywhere. Dallas drives it more than Buck does most of the time, and it’s the first car I ever drove. Dallas and I had gotten high when we were 14 and were in an abandoned parking lot when I mentioned how terrified I was to learn how to drive. Suddenly, I was being egged on to try it out, and how there’s no better time than the present. Yes, I definitely should’ve been sober, and yes, I probably shouldn’t have listened to a higher-than-a-kite Dallas Winston, but there I was, behind the wheel of a beautiful, red Thunderbird, telling Dallas how nervous I was that I was going to crash it. At one point, Dallas grabbed control of the wheel when I was heading towards the only other car in the lot, but once we diverted a 15 mile per hour crash that definitely would’ve taken our lives, we put the car in park and laughed hysterically. When it’s just Dallas and I, he still teases me about how awful of a driver I was at that time, and I can’t help but laugh at the thought of having to explain to Buck how I crashed into the only other car in the parking lot, going under the speed limit, while high on one puff at six o’clock on a random Thursday. I wish I could go back to that moment.

I try to stick the key into the lock, but struggle before actually being able to unlock the car door. As if on cue, Two and Dallas show up right as I get the door open, and Two practically dives into the backseat. Dallas pushes the seat back into place and makes a dramatic, yet sarcastic, gesture for me to get in, somewhat gently closing the door after me.

I glance back at Two, and he’s nearly knocked out, his eyes getting heavier and heavier the more I stare, and by the time Dallas settles into the driver’s seat and starts the car, Two’s out like a light. I turn and look at Dallas with a light smile as he turns his head to back out. Before he does, we stare at each other for a moment. Without saying anything, he tells me that he’s not angry at me, he’s scared of something. He gets the car moving again, and we begin our short journey back home.

“On the bright side, we’ll make it back right at ten, so your brother won’t be chewing anyone’s head off tonight,” Dallas comments, pulling a cigarette out of the pocket inside his light brown, leather jacket. “Light this for me would ya?” Dallas asks, using the cig to gesture to the glove compartment where Buck keeps the lighter. The lighter, which is nearly empty, struggles to ignite, but of course, the second it does, I burn my thumb and drop it on the floor of the car, cursing under my breath and cradling my hand. “Klutz,” Dallas teases before taking my hand, and briefly sucking the stinging part of my thumb to cool the burn before letting go of my hand. Seemingly shocked by his own actions, Dallas sits up straight in the seat and stares forward, clearing his throat. My heart is pounding out of my chest as butterflies tickle the sides of my stomach.

What was that? Why am I feeling like this? Was Dallas somehow attractive? My best friend, Dallas? The same Dallas who belches after every sip of soda? The one who hocks a loogie after every cigarette and measures how far it goes? The same one who leaves the toilet seat up?! Attractive?! No way in hell! I’m just buzzed and confused and coming off the anxiety of embarrassment. There’s no way that that was attractive. Think about how many girls he’s done that to. Gross. Think gross thoughts, think gross thoughts, think gross thoughts–

“So Buck has this new broad staying with him, and, get this, she wants him to quit drinking to be with her. And guess what he said? He said he would! Can you believe that?” Dallas gossips animatedly. I shake my head from its brain fog and exclaim, “Nuh-uh, no way! Buck? Who owns a bar? That’s insane.” “That’s what I’m saying, there’s no way that’s gonna work, I hate to say it,” Dallas chuckles. “Well…” I trail off with a smile, imagining how whipped Buck must be to consider quitting.

“‘Well’ what?”

“Maybe he really likes her.”

“So?”

“Maybe he really wants to change for her.”

“Not Buck Merrill, that’s impossible.”

“Don’t be so severe on ‘im. What if he really sees a future with her? It might be worth it.”

“The futures not even guaranteed though…I mean, what if they end up hating each other? Or she leaves him or cheats on him or–”

“And what if she doesn’t?”

The car’s silent, then Dallas says, “I guess it would work out then. They’d be happy.”

I look at the small burn on my thumb and run my other thumb over it. It’s no longer stinging, but there’s a small blister. The thought of Dallas fixing the burn crosses my mind again, and I find myself smiling wide.

Have I ever made Dallas feel this way?

We pull up to my house, but neither of us move, stuck in the comfort of each other’s, and Two-Bit’s, I guess, company. I search the depths of my mind for the right thing to say, anything to call him my best friend again. I just want him around again, even if it was just to tell me how awful of a driver I am, or how I can’t hold my alcohol, or how I’m wearing a skirt even though I hate them. How could this have happened? How could we go from goofing around everyday to crossing the street when we see each other? How do we go back?

“I was never mad at you,” Dallas starts, fiddling around with his Saint Christopher as he stares down the street and scoffs, “I don’t think I ever could be mad at you, even if I really wanted to be.”

Knowing Dallas wouldn’t look at me when trying to formulate some sort of twisted apology, I stare down at the empty lighter on the ground, pick it up, and mess with the flint. “Then why’d you stop talking to me?” I question sadly.

“I don’t know…It’s like one day I woke up and realized you would be moving forward without me, y’know,” he uncomfortably snickers.

“What could you possibly mean? What would I be moving on to?” I press, holding the lighter between my hands and staring out the windshield.

He scoffs in disbelief, “C’mon, Cyn. You’re smart and wanna leave Tulsa, so you will. You put in those college applications, you’re saving up for a car, you even talk about your dream of living in California like it’s set in stone. Like there’s no talking you out of it. It’s going to happen.”

I turn to face him, and explain, “I’m not going to stay in Tulsa forever, of course not, but that doesn’t mean I should be punished for it. I want change, and I want to start somewhere fresh and have the freedom to try everything. That’s not here in Tulsa, let alone Oklahoma, and you’ve even talked about wanting to leave here. I just don’t buy it, Dal. What’s the real reason you shut me out? And be honest.”

He finally looks at me, his eyes filled with annoyance and a touch of anger. “I don’t like how you make me feel,” he admits coldly.

I’m taken aback, thinking about how to answer. Before I can, he adds, “It’s just annoying that I can’t be how I usually am around you…Like tonight for instance. I should be drunk and trying to pick up every broad I see, but I’m not. I’m completely sober and driving you home, making sure you get home before curfew, and making sure you don’t go home with some jock who you barely know.

“And last week, when you showed up early to Buck’s and waited for me to get there, and then that creep from Nebraska hit on you. And instead of knocking his teeth in, I bit my tongue and walked you out. And that’s not me! I love fighting! I would’ve jumped at the chance to knock him to the ground! But I didn’t because I knew it would’ve made you cry. You would’ve resented me for it, and I would’ve had to make it up to you a hundred times over because I would’ve scared you.

“I got so tired of you, but I hated not having you around at the same time, which is why I went to that stupid party. I hate that I feel the need to be more like that dipshit you were talking to tonight—And I don’t mean a jock, I mean being some sort of prep that’s respectable and on his way to becoming one of those stupid neighbors that’s obsessed with how his lawn looks or something. I don’t want to be that! You know how much I hate preps, and I know how much you hate them, so why do I feel the need to be that way for you?! It’s not fair.”

I can’t help but let out a quick laugh, “Why would you care what I think?” Dallas turns away with a huff, and before he gets the chance to say anything, Two chimes in, “Because he likes you!” My smile falls and those butterflies start dancing around my stomach again. Dallas is quick to turn and face the smart ass sitting in the back seat, “I told you not to say anything!” Two just laughs and sits up in the back, laughing directly in the face of danger. I’m quick to push Dallas back into the front before he does something he’ll regret.

“Dallas, is that true?!” I interrogate, making sure to keep a neutral tone despite feeling a strange sense of joy. Dallas looks to me, his eyes softening, but before he even gets a chance to answer, my door is opened, and Darry stands leaning over the car, “You’re late.” I turn to Darry, then back to Dallas, who hasn’t said a word and has since turned a soft shade of red. I face Darry again and smile sheepishly, “But I’m home, aren’t I?” Two-Bit leans over the center console and burps, “Sorry for bringing her back late, Sir.” Darry just roles his eyes and steps away from the door so that I can get out. “Thanks, Dally,” Darry says before closing the door. “No problem, Superman,” Dallas jokes before starting the car back up. I take a final glance before he speeds off with Two-Bit in tow, and I can almost make out a beaming smile from the guy everyone deems as angry at the world and bitter.

I grin widely as we make our way inside, where Soda and Pony sit on the couch, saying their “ooh”’s as we walk through the door. But I don’t care. No matter what punishment Darry gives, it doesn’t matter. Dallas Winston, the boy I’ve known since I was 11, who I thought I had all figured out, was a complete mystery. Dallas, my best friend, has been hiding a part of himself from me, and I had no idea.

As Darry explains the consequences that come from being out past curfew, I stare blankly into his eyes. He yaps on and on, eventually pointing out the smell of alcohol hovering around me, but even then, I can’t stop thinking about Dallas. How long has he liked me? Why hasn’t he tried to make a move on me, after all, isn’t that what he’s kinda known for? If Dallas wants something, he always gets it. And why would he have gone out with Sylvia? Could Two-Bit have been confused? He has been drinking…

But he smiled.

He doesn’t smile like that very often. Was a part of him happy that Two said what he said? Dallas isn’t one to talk feelings, so maybe by Two-Bit blurting out his secret, it was like a weight was lifted from his shoulders. And that would mean, it’s true. Dallas Winston likes me. Likes me.

“…grounded for a month,” Darry finishes, pulling me from my thoughts. “Yeah, okay,” I agree quickly, getting up from the kitchen table and walking to my room. “What?! No argument?!” Darry shouts as I close my bedroom door, throw myself onto my bed, and squeal into my pillow, something I normally would be ashamed of, but I can’t help it.

I wonder what Dallas is thinking right now. I wonder if he’s thinking of me, or maybe he’s too preoccupied with getting Two-Bit home. Hopefully Dallas isn’t too harsh on Two, he was just being his usual self. And surely, he must’ve learned his lesson; never tell Two-Bit Mathews who you like. But I’m sure glad he did.

[chicgeekgirl89]

5, 4, 3, 2, 1

Rules: post the top 5 works you’re most proud of that you released in 2022 (not necessarily your most popular), your top 4 current WIPs that you’re excited to release in the new year, your top 3 biggest improvements in your writing over the past year, your top 2 resolutions (ways you wish to improve your writing/blog) for the new year, and your number 1 favorite line you’ve written this year!   

Thanks so much for the tag @irispurpurea! This was a fun way to reflect on the year!

5 Works

You Have the Right to Remain Silent (But I Know You Won’t)- This one was such a challenge because it involved the entire 126, but I’m super proud of how it turned out!

Hold Onto Me- I think this was my first +1 fic and I love all the little moments I came up with.

Never Enough- The ice storm arc STRESSED ME THE FRICK FRACK OUT. In fact, most of last season did. I wrote this because I needed the boys to have some soft, sweet, perfect time together. It might not be a perfect fic, but it was cathartic to write. 

Not a Booty Call- I loved exploring the boys’ early days and T.K.’s softening toward Carlos. 

Sisters, Sisters- What can I say? I never expected to write oc’s, and I certainly never expected to love them as much as I love Francesca and Adriana. It was DELIGHTFUL to write their dialogue and all their sass and love for Carlos and T.K.

4 Wips

These are such a wreck, I don’t even know lol

1. Packing a Piece- a deeper look into that fateful match of darts and what happened before and after.

2. My Pain Fits in the Palm of Your Freezing Hand- The ice storm arc from Carlos’ perspective that I’ve been working on for almost a literal year now. Yikes. 

3. I have a camping fic involving the 126 boys and Carlos that will fill a bingo spot that I have a love/hate relationship with. Hopefully that goes up at some point. 

4. I’m looking through my ideas doc and realizing I’ve written most of them, so hopefully LS S4 gives me some new ideas lol. I have a funny idea for a fic where Carlos has to set some stern boundaries for T.K. about where they can and cannot have sex, but I can’t seem to get much going on that, so we’ll see! 

3 Biggest Improvements

1. I now go through all my fics and remove the word “just” as much as I possibly can. It’s my go-to filler word and it “just” doesn’t need to be used as often as I like to throw it in there. 

2. I’ve tried to get a little less precious about things. Sometimes I love moments too much and I’ve held onto them longer than they were productive for the fic. I’m working on getting better at letting them go, or reworking them so they serve the fic better. 

3. I think I’ve gotten better at writing longer form fic. I am definitely a more concise writer so trying to write more lengthy pieces has been a challenge. 

2 Resolutions

1. I’d like to get better at description and world building. I’m a dialogue person through and through, and I forget to describe what’s going on around the characters a lot of the time. 

2. I’d like to be more consistent about building time to write. I tend to write when the muse strikes, but I’d like to actually be setting time aside to write each week. Not sure that will happen but...we will see!

1 Favorite Line

@bluenet13 knows I’m extremely bad at favorites, so this is tough! It’s technically more than one line...but Nancy’s the only one talking, so...it’s one in my mind lol!

From A Lifetime Original Movie Kind of Way- “AH!” she yelled, pointing a finger at him. “Ah! See! That is the heart of the issue right there! That cavalier attitude. You think you have nine fucking lives and you don’t T.K. You don’t. You’ve only got one and you nearly lost it. I had to literally shove life back into your cold, naked body, which, to be clear, is not something I have ever desired to see anywhere at anytime. You died between my hands and I had to touch your frosty corpse, and it’s only by the grace of like eternal love or some bullshit that you made it through.”

Tagging @bluenet13, @ejzah, @wanna-be-bold, and @mashmaiden.

[calliopesburn]

So you mentioned queer film and docs in some of your tags, may I ask if you have any specific recommendations?

thank u for asking i have SO MANY!!!!!!!!!!

i haven't actually checked but im 99% sure all of these films were definitely directed and likely also written by queer people; for context this top list is all new so look for film festivals that might be screening or streaming these virtually / below i added some older films that are more easy to find

New from the past year or two:

the one i mentioned in the post is one i definitely recommend - it's called Nelly & Nadine (doc) - two women fall in love in a concentration camp, survive, and live happily together - the documentary gets made when a queer grandkid finds old stuff and is like hrmmmm

Rule 34 - one of my favorite films ever honestly - a black sex worker (in brazil) gets into criminal law school (paid for by her sex work) and witnesses her own life and identity being constantly debated in the classroom while continuing her sex work and beginning to explore BDSM at night - she becomes increasingly erratic throughout the film in a way that culminates beautifully (talk about a chaos queer) an incredibly commentary on women's agency

Before I Change My Mind - i think it takes place in the 60s - a non-binary pre-teen kid moves from america to a small canadian town and struggles to make friends for .02 seconds before they set their sights on their crush and become a member of their toxic friend group - puts a whole new spin on 'coming of age'

Compulsus - a woman starts hunting down men who sexually assault women (from the descrip it says it never shows the actual assault that leads her to start striking back, only her committing violence)

Tahara - first of all the stop motion kiss scene still has me reeling. two jewish bffs attend a funeral and things get real awkward when they kiss 'for fun'

Framing Agnes (doc) - gender case studies from a 50's UCLA clinic are re-enacted by icons like Angelica Ross - incredible history

Wildhood - a two-spirit teen falls for another indigenous boy while he journeys with his brother to find their mom

Anything's Possible - Billy Porter's directorial debut - a muslim boy falls for a trans girl and takes his shot even though he knows people will freak out (and they do) but it's really affirming and supportive and lovely and funny <3

Esther Newton Made Me Gay (doc) - ok wanna talk about queer history?? Esther Newton was the first person to ever write about drag culture from an anthropological perspective PERIOD. i think if i remember correctly she was fired from parsons, and was on very thin ice for a long time with her career - but even still she wrote and paved the way for queer academia - writing about fire island, cherry grove, the drag scene, and more!!!!! she also identifies as a butch lesbian/between genders and this film is so incredible for the lesbians - you really need to hear her talk about gender, about butchness and femmeness - ALSO you get to see her childhood growing up in the early 1900's as a queer person and it's incredible, you'll cry but like in a GOOD cathartic way

Sleep With Me (series) - a soapy sapphic thai romance between two disabled women - one in a wheelchair and another with a rare sleep disorder. this will literally give you every cute soapy sapphic moment you could ask for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girl Picture - lesbians watch this one!!!!!!!! this is a ROMANCE!!!!!! there were scenes where i was like omg!!!!!!! when you never realize how desperately ur craving a certain style - just watch the trailer please ; also asexuals u should watch this one too :) (just to be clear though the asexual character is straight, not the sapphic romance)

Mama Bears (doc) - this doc will also make u cry but in a really fucking good way. this is a doc on christian parents who used to be conservative and homophobic before changing perspectives after their kids come out. most notable is Kai (though she also chooses the name Esther for herself <3, based on her favorite person in the Bible), a trans girl who talks about coming out to her mom as a girl as young as 3 years old, and in spite of the abuse she was put through, she kept saying it and her mom eventually realized she could either lose her "son" forever, or accept and love her daughter. im tearing up writing this - her mom gave up her entire family to literally save her daughters life - and she did.

Nana's Boys - two black men are about to get engaged when the city goes on lockdown and their relationship is put to the test - truths come out and the gorgeous twists and turns of their relationship really shows the gentleness and supportiveness of queer relationships (it's called nana's boys because they were both raised by their grandmas <3)

Unidentified Objects - a lovely film about two neighbors who take an unexpected road trip - their lives of course changing forever as a result. one of the characters is a gay little person who's mourning the death of a close friend and the other is a sex worker who is looking for the aliens who took her when she was a kid (yes that's literally the plot) it's wonderfully well written and has one of those endings that'll send you reeling

New - haven't seen but on my list:

The First Fallen - a narrative story that follows a group a friends as the first wave of the AIDS epidemic approaches in Peru <3

All the Beauty and the Bloodshed (doc) - you'll likely hear about this as its Laura Poitras' new film, it's about Nan Goldin

Stupid for You - a sapphic girl musical????????????????????

Way Down - an episodic on a bunch of friends trying to be musicians - the lead is non-binary in a romance with various ladies and i think everyone else in the band is queer too

The Blue Caftan - a tailor in morocco lives happily closeted with his wife until they hire a sexy assistant

The Inspection - a gay man enters the military and finds unexpected support and family

El Houb - can only remember that it's a muslim guy who comes out to his dad but is a dark comedy (he literally runs into the closet at a point in the film)

My Emptiness and I - a newly out transfemme woman navigates life and dating and surgery

Moneyboys - two gay men in i think taiwan?

so in general i highly recommend paying attention to queer film festivals - newfest, frameline, and outfest are the major US ones (they only stream in the US but im pretty sure you can use a vpn) inside out is a canadian one; most of them stream now!!!! like 80% of their films are available to stream for a short duration so sign up for their email lists and mark their festivals on your calendars because if you pay attention to these you'll start to see actual queer stories written and directed by queer people!!!!!!!!

also consider watching shorts programs - some of the most impactful films ive been seeing have been shorts (there's one called Dress Up that has been glued into the back of my skull for like 2 months) and shorts are basically seeing into the future of queer film and a lot of them are amazing so highly recommend!!!!!!!

-

For things currently streaming or easy to find and download:

Fantasy of the Girls (2017/2018 depending where you look) thrilled to list this one as it's actually the film that made me realize im a lesbian :) full film is also on YT

The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love dir Maria Maggenti (1995)

Saving Face (2000) and The Half of It - dir Alice Wu

The Watermelon Woman (1996)

Hedwig and the Angry Inch (late 90s i think)

Fire (1996)

Desert Hearts (1985)

The Velvet Vampire - feels like jennifer's body but in 1971 with a vampire who wants to have sex/kill both ppl in a married couple (dir. by a woman; haven't seen this yet though)

Chutney Popcorn (1999)

Paris is Burning (1990)

Brother to Brother (2004) (anthony mackie)

Pariah

Portrait of a Lady on Fire

The Miseducation of Cameron Post (a sad one but chloe moretz dated the girl from the film and the director is queer - incredible film)

Lingua Franca

Fire Island

Naz & Maalik

The Obituary of Tunde Johnson

Firstness

Firebird

See You Then

Ammonite

No Hard Feelings

Shiva Baby

Flee

Passing

--

so in general i highly recommend paying attention to queer film festivals - newfest, frameline, and outfest are the major US ones (they only stream in the US but im pretty sure you can use a vpn) inside out is a canadian one; most of them stream now!!!! like 80% of their films are available to stream for a short duration so sign up for their email lists and mark their festivals on your calendars because if you pay attention to these you'll start to see actual queer stories written and directed by queer people!!!!!!!!

also consider watching shorts programs - some of the most impactful films ive been seeing have been shorts (there's one that has been glued into the back of my skull for like 2 months) and shorts are basically seeing into the future of queer film and a lot of them are amazing so highly recommend!!!!!!!

[gabenvrhappened]

TheOldGabeOr... Swimming Pools, Lost Boy and Fools by Troye Sivan

Favorite Lyrics (Swimming Pools): So tell me how I'm gonna get past this wave to empty swimming pools? ⬩ Cause I just wanna be at the start of after loving you;

Favorite Lyrics (Lost Boy): I say I wanna settle down ⬩ Build your hopes up like a tower ⬩ I'm giving you the run around ⬩ I'm just a lost boy not ready to be found;

Favorite Lyrics (Fools): I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes ⬩ I see a little house on the hill and children's names ⬩ I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray ⬩ But everything is shattering and it's my mistake;

Other Favorite Songs: Bite, Ease, The Quiet, Cool, Talk Me Down;

Apple Music is just the best music streaming platform ever, and I'll die on that hill. This weekend I was organizing some music to the point I know my last.fm would be proud of me (if I still used it, anyway). While correcting tags and covers, I remembered a song from Troye Sivan that I really loved and always hated that it wasn't made available digitally: Swimming Pools. I was meaning to get back to his songs, but his new album didn't stick with me (as of now, at least).

Then I remembered this song, and it felt like perfect timing because I was recently into Lost Boy and Fools and decided to fully come back to the Blue Neighbourhood album. I'm all about imagery, and by now, it's clear that I love a bad-boy love aesthetic and headlights at midnight. Another thing I love is pools. Once they're full, and you're in it, it's like you're in another world, back to your roots. But what can we expect of it when it's empty? To me, picturing an empty pool, specially in the dark of the night, waves the feeling of solitude and reflection. It can be daunting if your perspective is in the wrong place. It could be the freedom of new beginnings or the fear of the unknown.

Nostalgia is what I get from these types of songs, most of the time from things I never even lived. To Troye, a empty swimming pool is the desired aftermath of a love that went wrong. You don't have a place to jump headfirst, but you also don't have tides trying to drown you out. And here comes the glimmer of hope as you drain the things you thought were good for you but are not. That's life in all its beauty. The highs never last, and it's the same for the lows. Just like I'm so used to do, the feeling is that we should hold on to hope and visualize greener skies and lighthouses calling our names, so one day it'll be true.

However, what will we do once we get there? To me, Lost Boy completes Swimming Pools in a whole way. At first, we want to be found or at least to find our way. If greener pastures and lighthouses seem like a comfort, is it really what we need or what we think we need? Visualize a future of shared happiness, pretending we want something to settle us down when, in reality, that's not exactly what we want. I resonate so much with this feeling. I'm a very individualist person, and I like to be alone and have my own company, but I would love to have the opportunity to share something meaningful, so I'm trying to get into that. But now I'm living in a house with friends, and it's so hard to balance everything and an ever-changing schedule. And I want so bad to meet new people, but I'm always second-guessing the matches I get on dating apps, even while being so in the lookout once I'm outside in the wild. It's a contradiction feeling that I've been carrying for years, and I'm yet to learn how to master it. as if it's possible.

That's when Fools gets into the mix and ties all together. I believe that part of my mixed feelings come from disastrous love. I know we need to focus on the good part of relationships, but the end is always the freshest thing in our minds, and the break always screams so loud because of our catastrophic minds. Especially when you're a fool that falls in love with just one look, creating expectations of a perfect fancy, yet simple life. Again, with swimming pools, added to drinks, planes, and living rooms.

Loving too much, however, it's always a problem. The weight breaks the ropes, and it's always your side that falls and shatters. Once I was born, guilt also born with me, so we walk sewed up together like siamese brothers. And then, the loop starts again, back to violent tide waves inside a pool that I want so bad to dive into, as swimming is the only sport I can do out of passion. Then, without me realizing it, I'm stuck in a blue neighborhood, facing the quiet that strings my heart, craving so much to find some ease into a chaotic life that I'm still trying to let go and be talked down.

[fictionz]

New Fiction 2023 - February

"Psalms" (101-150) ed. Richard Challoner (1752)

I’ll be honest, I just read Proverbs and now it blends in completely with whatever Psalms had going on. What I do remember of Psalms is realizing that a lot of what the ol’ Father is preaching at the pulpit is one-liners from this section of the bible.

Abyss by David Weddle & Jeffrey Lang (2001)

These DS9 novels spend a lot of time with Bashir and Dax as a couple, working out their couple stuff. I suppose they’re really the only couple available in these early releases of the relaunch, but I hope we get to see other perspectives on romantic relationships. But otherwise, it’s a neat and tidy little adventure, and I like the scenes in which a Jem’Hadar ally has to observe these weird humans and basically ask them “what the hell are you doing?”

"The Hole in the Wall" by Angela Hsieh (2022)

The hand in a hole! It’s great.

Men in Black: The Game dev. Gigawatt Studios & The Collective (1998)

Whoof. I mean, WHOOF. I would’ve been in for a survival horror game featuring the Men in Black, but then there’s awkward quips because it’s a comedy, and unnecessary action gameplay.

The Game of Life dev. Mass Media & The Collective (1998)

This was shockingly fun. A board game made into a video game could be so clunky and boring but this really felt like a neat way to play, as dated as the visual are by now.

"An Ostrich Told Me the World Is Fake and I Think I Believe It" dir. Lachlan Pendragon (2022)

This is so clever and well done.

"The Flying Sailor" dir. Amanda Forbis & Wendy Tilby (2022)

Oh no, but somehow it has a happy ending.

"Ice Merchants" dir. João Gonzalez (2022)

This is sweet and I only cried a little.

"The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse" dir. Peter Baynton & Charlie Mackesy (2022)

So blaaaannnnd but it’s really good looking.

"My Year of Dicks" dir. Sara Gunnarsdóttir (2022)

Hey, she makes lists like I make lists.

"Ivalu" dir. Anders Walter & Pipaluk K. Jørgensen (2022)

I don’t know why we allow ourselves to succumb to the basest horrors.

"Night Ride (Nattrikken)" dir. Eirik Tveiten (2020)

So fuckin’ tense, holy shit. Just know it turns out okay.

"Le Pupille" dir. Alice Rohrwacher (2022)

This was a riot.

"The Red Suitcase" dir. Cyrus Neshvad (2022)

Another tense one!

"An Irish Goodbye" dir. Tom Berkeley & Ross White (2022)

It’s not easy, all I’m saying.

Groundhog Day dir. Harold Ramis (1993)

Finally watched this in a theater! On groundhog day! That’s how I wanna watch all date-specific movies from now on. It’s so wild that this is likely the origin of the modern time loop narrative.

Infinity Pool dir. Brandon Cronenberg (2023)

Jesus Christ, it just kinda goes on, getting more and more awful. But the final scenes bring it home for me.

80 for Brady dir. Kyle Marvin (2023)

This is so quaint in that “we don’t see movies like these in theaters” sorta way.

Magic Mike dir. Steven Soderbergh (2012)

Mike’s dream is so wholesome, he deserves it.

Living dir. Oliver Hermanus (2022)

I liked this. It reminds us that you can’t save the world, but you can help someone next to you.

Magic Mike XXL dir. Gregory Jacobs (2015)

This was just the victory lap after the success of the first. One more round.

She Came from the Woods dir. Erik Bloomquist (2022)

I see these smaller horror movies release to theaters every now and then. It fills a genre niche between larger mass audience stuff, but this particular was just a little undercooked. The Fear Street trilogy did it better.

Magic Mike's Last Dance dir. Steven Soderbergh (2023)

Sad to say, even the expected big dance number at the end doesn’t save it.

Knock at the Cabin dir. M. Night Shyamalan (2023)

I kept feeling bad for Shyamalan. The weight of expectation for him must be immense. But I came in with that expectation of something that would surprise me and this movie does not deliver on that front.

Sword Art Online the Movie -Progressive- Scherzo of Deep Night dir. Ayako Kono (2023)

Holy shit! Anime movies is another random thing to pop up in theaters and sometimes they’re a bit too convoluted or reliant on their main series to explain things, but the premise of “we’re stuck in a video game and need to fight a boss” really makes this work. Loved that final boss battle.

Consecration dir. Christopher Smith (2023)

Another quaint sort of slow burn horror release that doesn’t get to theaters as often these days. It doesn’t stick but it was interesting to watch.

Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey dir. Rhys Waterfield (2023)

Great effects and staging, awful otherwise. One of those that might please those who are in it for the gore.

Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania dir. Peyton Reed (2023)

Jonathan Majors, that is all.

Johnny Mnemonic dir. Robert Longo (1995)

It was cool 90s cyberpunk but did you know there’s a black & white take on it?!

Virtuosity dir. Brett Leonard (1995)

Kind of a dystopian sci-fi take on Se7en.

Jesus Revolution dir. Jon Erwin & Brent McCorkle (2023)

I was real afraid that this would be a pro-Christianity all the time kinda movie, but there’s enough nuance there in depicting real people that I think it’s worth watching as a historical snapshot.

Cocaine Bear dir. Elizabeth Banks (2023)

Absolutely yes, let’s fuckin’ go. This is made to be seen in a theater.

Gattaca dir. Andrew Niccol (1997)

More somber and lowkey than I expected. It felt like a high budget episode of The Twilight Zone.

Strange Days dir. Kathryn Bigelow (1995)

Another whoof for rich white people trying to translate the experiences of real socioeconomic and racial problems in Los Angeles of the 90s (and today). But fun in a nostalgic “look what they thought the future would be” kinda way.

Kissed dir. Lynne Stopkewich (1996)

Molly Parker makes anything she’s in worth watching, even necrophilia.

Richard III dir. Richard Loncraine (1995)

Catching up on more Shakespeare that I’ve missed over the years. This one’s a real good way to translate this old timey kingdom stuff.

Eye for an Eye dir. John Schlesinger (1996)

Guh, I really thought there might be some attempt to comment on the perils of seeking revenge, but nope, let’s just fucking murder assholes who do wrong against us.

The Outer Limits - Seasons 4-6 (1998-2000)

So much Outer Limits, it’s hard to encapsulate as I approach the end of it. All I’ll say is that “Down to Earth” from season 6 has me tearing up because most of it is a satire about weirdo X-Files fans but then the main character’s motivation to just connect with someone, anyone who will believe her and allow her to express her loss and just listen makes the ending so tragic and gah this is absolutely in my list of TV that will shape who I am as a person.

[protectivemuses-archived]

(bby Baji and Kazutora) “Why didn’t you ever tell someone what you were going through?”

The famous question. "Why would I? So he could find out and things to get even worse? For her to have to hurt more because some outsider got involved in affairs that weren't theirs? For her to have a reason to hate me more, and for any time that place was safe to just be thrown out of the window? She never would've told the truth against him, and things would've gotten worse." Maybe she would've. He didn't know. But he hadn't heard her go against him in who knows how long, so he doubted it. "It's always so easy to think telling someone will fix it, isn't it?" Rhetorical question. He didn't really want an answer. "Nothing would've changed unless it got worse. I couldn't let her suffer more because of me." She already had enough, trying to keep him safe through the years, and maybe that was what made her grow to hate him. Maybe telling would've fixed things though. He didn't know, and he didn't really want to think about it.

[icaruscmplx-a]

‎‎‎‎‎‎  ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎          "  By  popular  demand,  the  Leonosaurus  makes  his  public  appearance!  I  know  it's  hard,  but  please,  try  not to get too excited!  "

[connedmen]

tag dump.

[iracxndiaa]

tags pt. one

[sorryiwasbornstupid-blog]

Tag Dump

.

[protectivemuses-archived]

"Kei, it's fine, really. I'm happy you get to get out. You don't deserve to be in a place like this. Especially considering you tried to talk me out of the whole thing." He reminded, shrugging as he took another bite of his food. Well, forcing it down, rather. It wasn't terrible but it wasn't exactly pleasant either. "Don't worry about me so much, yeah? I'll be fine, promise. You'll have plenty to worry about once you get back to the others." No, Kazutora wasn't overjoyed at the idea of being alone in this forsaken place, but he did it to himself and he knew it. All he could do was serve the time. He knew once Baji got back to the others, he'd find another vice captain and he'd probably be thrown to the side, but it wasn't as if he had expected any different. Everyone left. "And letters will be fine. You don't even have to write- You'll have school and everything to focus on, so don't spread yourself so thin on my account, y'know?"

❛  i’m fine … it’s gonna be okay.  ❜ (for Baji)

*  ―  𝐒𝐎𝐅𝐓  𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐒𝐓  𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄  𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒.

Since no one claimed this ask or told me who they wanted Baji talking to @protectivemuses gets angst that she didn't ask for LOL

ask contains potential Tokyo Revengers spoilers

        He wasn't okay. Anyone in there would've been happy to be in Baji's position, but he wasn't necessarily as happy to regain his freedom as one might think. Sure he was happy to finally go home and see his mother and eat her cooking and see his friends again, but it was coming at the heavy cost of leaving Kazutora behind to fend for himself in juvie for at least another year and a half. And Baji hated having to do that.

        He wasn't getting released until tomorrow, and they'd have some time tomorrow out in the common area to hang out before it was time for his mother to pick him up, but time was both passing by slowly and too fast at the same time. As Baji kept his chin propped up on his hand as he slowly continued eating his dinner, brown eyes were constantly going back and forth between his food and his best friend sitting across from him. Kazutora could say he was fine all he wanted, but they both knew that was a lie. They both knew Baji wasn't going to want to leave him anymore than Kazutora wanted him to leave.

        "No it's not. I hate that you're gonna be stuck in here for the rest of middle school and the first division is still going to be missing its vice captain. I can run it without you, but that doesn't mean I want to. Is writing you letters even going to be enough? I already asked the guards and officers about coming to see you but they all said I won't be allowed to because we're not related....."

[sunmoonandeddie]

and he kissed me right here

pairing: modern!bucky barnes x reader

word count: 6,100

summary: I've always been sure that all I ever wanted was a glamorous life.

warnings: Cuss words, mentions of the Afghanistan war (Bucky is a veteran), angst, happy ending, cheesy romantic confessions, age gap

a/n:  This is based on the song 'Stars and the Moon' from Songs for a New World! It's the first one shot in my musical series! This is written in first perspective, but there is no physical description or use of a name in this!

Twenty-Two

I sighed as I tossed a few more dirty plates into the dish window, wiping my brow. After a shitty dinner rush and an even shittier rush around two in the morning consisting only of drunk ass college kids looking for some sort of carb to suck up all the alcohol in their systems, I was ready to go the fuck home.

“Sweetheart, you head on home now,” the head chef insisted as he watched my head nod slightly as I tried my best to fight off sleep. “Ain’t nobody comin’ in before Melissa gets here. No point in you staying on your feet any longer.”

Louis was a godsend. At sixty-seven years old, you’d think he would rather be anywhere but a diner at almost four in the morning.

“Nah,” he had said when I’d asked him a few months after I’d first started. “My Ginny died a few years back, and since she’s been gone, I don’t really have the stomach to sit around that house all alone.” He had laughed, but there’d been a deep sorrow that had come over his deep brown eyes. “Kids are worried, but… Sleeping the day away is better than laying up at night staring at her side of the bed…”

“You sure, Lou?” I asked even as I headed for the back room where all the employees clocked in and kept their possessions in their own little cubbies. I did my checkout in view of the security camera, just like always. I didn’t want anyone to be able to say I stole anything.

Everyone who knew me knew that I wouldn’t, but I’d worked at two many places where the girls tried backstabbing each other and sabotaging everyone else to get them fired.

Though people were a lot nicer in Louisiana than any of the other places I’d lived.

Louis chuckled as he set a to-go box in the window, nodding towards it. “Mmhm. Long as Buck is getting you home safe.”

I gave him a joking eye roll as I took the to-go box gratefully, grinning at my name written in all caps with green Sharpie on top. “You know you don’t have to make me dinner every night.”

“Yes, I do,” he said, shooting me a look. “How else do I know you’re getting enough food in you, huh?” He pointed his rag at me. “Now you go ask him to get you home. Tell him I said he can clock out, and that he’s supposed to text me when he sees you safe inside. You better not say you’re gonna ask him again just to walk yourself home.” The old man shook his head as I headed for the back door, muttering to himself, “Damn girl thinks I’m gonna believe she’s feeding herself good enough when she’s risking her damn ass walking home alone.”

Despite the fact that I’d put off asking for Bucky Barnes’s service, I really did appreciate how fiercely Louis cared about me.

It had been a real long time since anyone had cared so much.

I hesitated at the back door of the diner, my hand resting against the cool metal.

What if he said no?

Granted, he most likely wouldn’t. But what if he said yes, and he secretly thought me some dumb little girl that couldn’t take care of herself?

What did I care if he thought that?

“I don’t care what he thinks of me,” I huffed as I straightened my shoulders, holding my chin a little higher.

“Stop talking to yourself and get going!”

I jumped in surprise, before shooting a glare in the direction of the kitchen. “Stop listening in on my private conversations!” I demanded before storming outside with new found vigor.

Only to freeze when Bucky looked up from where he was sitting on the curb, smoking a cigarette.

God, he was handsome.

“You okay, doll face?” He asked, his New York accent a sharp contrast to the southern drawls you were used to.

“Um… Y-Yeah,” I said faintly, glancing back at the door that I’d come in from. “Um… L-Louis wants me to ask you… Can you walk me home? Or give me a ride? I don’t… I don’t know if you drive…”

“I do drive.”

“O-Oh. Okay. Great.”

“But I don’t have my car on me.”

I peered at him curiously. “Oh. Um… I can just walk by myself. I don’t wanna… I don’t wanna be a nuisance…”

He stood up, tossing his cigarette to the ground and stomping it out. “Don’t be ridiculous, darlin.’ Come on. I’ll walk you.” He shoved his hands in his pockets as he began to head for the street. “Besides… It’s a real nice night.”

“Oh…,” I said in surprise at how ready he was to be of service. “Okay. But only if you’re sure.”

A faint smile graced his lips as he glanced at the ground, letting out a faint chuckle that rumbled deep in his chest. “I’m sure, darlin.’ But you gotta lead the way.”

I was surprised by the rapid pitter patter of my heart beat as we walked side by side down the street, the chorus of ‘Yellow Brick Road’ getting stuck in my head on a loop.

Bucky was an enigma that I found myself wondering about more often than not, but I always ended up talking myself out of going there. After all, he was an older man. A much older man. At least fifteen years older than my own twenty-two years, or something along those lines, not that he looked it. The man looked like some kind of rugged Greek god. Like Hades if Hades was born in the eighties. His dog tags clinked together under his shirt as we walked, his metal prosthetic glinting in the moon.

“So how did you end up in NOLA?”

It took me a moment to even realize that he was talking to me, my heart skipping a beat and my face going hot in embarrassment. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked.

His bright blue eyes flickered over to look me over. “How’d you end up in New Orleans?”

“I actually don’t know,” I snorted, avoiding his eyes as I kicked at a few broken up pieces of asphalt. “I just… Picked a bus ticket and ended up in one of the Carolinas. Then I picked another bus ticket and ended up in Minnesota. And then I picked another, and another, and another, and then I actually just… ended up here.” The months I’d spent alone on those Greyhounds felt both so long ago and also like it was just yesterday. “The diner was the first place someone recommended for food that’s good but cheap, and as I was eating my mountain of cheese fries, I saw the flyer that said they were hiring. So here I am now…”

“Huh,” he said, his brows furrowed. “I didn’t take you for the type of person to run off on your own… riding buses all over the country…”

Head tilting to the side, I gave him a long look. “You didn’t? What kind of type did you peg me for?”

Bucky gave me a long look, a single brow raised as though silently telling me that I jumped to conclusions. “Just that jumping from place to place can take a lot outta someone,” he said slowly, his voice low and soothing. “Hell, if you were my girl—” He broke off as his cheeks flushed a pretty shade of pink, his long hair falling in his face.

I swore my heart had stopped inside of my chest, and I swallowed thickly around the lump in my throat. “Oh?”

He rushed to try to correct his wording. “I-I just mean, a lady should be comfortable. And if I had a g-girl like you, well… You’d never want for anything,” he stammered, stumbling over his words like a flustered school boy. “Hell, I… I’d give you the stars and the moon…”

I was shocked into silence, staring up at him like he was the sun itself. “Bucky…”

“No, no, don’t say anything. I… I know that was a lot,” he insisted quietly, unable to meet your eyes as he stared up at the shitty apartment building you called home. “Hell, you probably don’t want a gross old man hitting on you.” His metal hand, glinting in the low light of the street lamp, reached up to brush against my cheek for just a moment before it quickly dropped. “Just let me walk you home each night so I can make sure you’re safe, yeah?”

“Yeah,” I breathed out, unable to take my eyes off of him as he took a few steps back.

There’s a somewhat playful smirk on his lips as he watched me stumble up the steps, continuously glancing back at him. “Goodnight, baby doll.”

“Goodnight,” I said, barely audible before I finally headed inside.

Bucky kept his word. He walked me home every night, and honestly, there wasn’t a moment that I wasn’t thinking about what he had said, about if I was his girl.

What if I was his girl?

But… with that meant I’d have to give up the life I’d dreamed for myself. I wanted luxury, to never worry about bills or where I was gonna get my next meal or if I could afford to buy the nice work shoes or if I could only get the cheap ones that would fall apart in three months and then I’d just be right back where I started.

I wanted the life that celebrities lived. Hell, I wanted to go to parties on the same yachts the Kardashian-Jenners did, even if I couldn’t fucking stand them.

And with Bucky… I wouldn’t have that.

“So why’d you go on the run anyway?” Bucky asked one night as we sat on the curb, eating ice cream in the Louisiana heat. “I know you told me how you got here, but you’ve never told me why.”

“You’ve never told me how you ended up here or why either,” I shot back, nudging his shoulder with my own.

Somehow the age difference seemed non-existent as we sat there. Honestly, I felt like we were just a bunch of dumb teenagers, shooting the shit and enjoying each other’s company.

Bucky took in a deep breath, his shoulders sinking in a way that made it look like he had all the weight of the world on his shoulders. “I was over in Afghanistan for a long time,” he admitted quietly. “When the war first started, I was 19. I had no idea where my life was going and I had no options except my dad’s mechanic shop. So I enlisted with my best friend, Steve. The one I told you about.”

It’s completely silent except for the sound of an occasional car horn off in the distance.

“Neither one of us knew what we were doing. We realized very quickly that we had no reason being over there, but… but there was nothing else,” he said, swallowing around the lump in his throat. The ice cream he was holding was melting in his trembling hands. “I didn’t know how to do anything else, so I stayed. Steve moved up in the ranks, but I stayed pretty low… I didn’t mind. Kinda liked being the older guy all those young kids could talk to, could rely on… Because they were just like me, getting into a fight that wasn’t theirs because they had nothing else.”

My heart was shattering inside my chest as I scooted a little closer, my knee knocking against his as I tried to give him some sort of silent comfort. He’d been through Hell and made it through.

Bucky let his head rest against mine, his eyes closing as he breathed in the scent of my perfume. “They eventually moved me to some kind of specialized team… Called us the Howling Commandos. I found out that Steve was heading it and he picked me to be part of it. That’s how I met Sam, because he was on some sort of similar team with the Air Force, except it was just him and his friend, Riley,” he continued, taking a bite of his chocolate fudge brownie ice cream. “I am proud to say that I didn’t kill a single person while I was over there. I just couldn’t. Hell, they’re people just like me, terrified and unsure of what’s going to happen.” His lips pressed against my forehead, letting it linger. “But then about five years ago, I was on a mission with the Commandos, Sam, and Riley, and… this bomb went off while we were playing a game of soccer. I wasn’t even in a fight. That thing took my arm and it took Riley.”

Tentatively, I let my fingers find his, holding his hand and squeezing reassuringly.

“Sam decided to come home with me.” There was a forlorn look in his eyes, as though he was right back at that game of pick-up soccer. “After losing Riley… he couldn’t find a reason to be over there. And then Steve decided to stay, and hell, he’s still over there, leading that fucking team…” Glassy baby blue eyes finally found mine, the both of us doing our best to not cry. “I couldn’t face my family for a long time, so Sam asked me to come stay in Louisiana with him and his family, and I haven’t left since.”

“Have you gone to see your family?” I asked slowly, almost like I was scared I’d frighten him if I spoke too loudly, like a wild animal. “Let them know where you are? That you’re safe?”

He turned to look at me, his baby blues shining. “You worried about me, baby doll?”

“I can’t help it,” I said honestly, unable to tear my eyes away. I hadn’t opened up to someone like that in so damn long. “I can’t help but worry about you.”

The way that I felt about Bucky absolutely terrified me, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. It snuck up on me, like a train coming around a bend.

I hated it.

“What do you want out of this life?” Bucky asked on one walk home, his arm linked in mine. He’d become so much more… tactile. If anyone took a moment to look at us, they’d think we were a couple on a romantic stroll.

Perhaps we were.

But I couldn’t help but grin as I looked up at the sky, taking in the warm air. “I wanna live like how the movie stars do… I want a big house on the beach and twenty cars and a yacht and… and…”

He looked at me long and hard. “And you never wanna have to worry about where your next meal is coming from, if you’re gonna have a place to sleep at night…”

For some reason, I’d felt a bolt of panic over whether or not he’d understand. Whether or not he’d think differently of me, but I should’ve known that he wouldn’t. Hell, he knew me better than anyone else.

“You understand,” I said quietly, my hand squeezing his bicep gratefully. “I want to live how the other half lives for once. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.”

A small smile graced his features as we shuffled along. “There isn’t. But… What about love?” He asked.

“Love?”

“Love.”

Love.

Could I even have love? Did I want it?

“I don’t know if there’s a lot of room for love in my plans,” I admitted after a long moment. “In my experience, love has always just been a lie. A word used to manipulate and eventually abuse.”

Letting out a snort, he let his fingers tickle down my tricep until his fingers intertwined with mine. “I’d show you it’s not… I’d show you what real love is,” he said. “I’d give you every part of me, give you all my strength to help you grow into who you wanna be, even if I don’t particularly care about being famous or rich…” He brought my hand to his lips, kissing my knuckles. “I’ll give you a love story, a life, that’s a million times better than any recycled Hollywood plot… I’ll give you the stars and the moon, if you would just let me.”

I hated the way that he made my heart beat faster, the way my breath hitched. “Jamie,” I breathed out quietly, the two of us having stopped in our tracks to just… take each other in. Live in each other’s presence for a moment. “I…”

“You want a big life… one a lot bigger than little old me,” he said simply, shrugging. His blue eyes were so honest, so loving. So warm. A warmth I hadn’t ever experienced before. “I know. But that doesn’t change that I’m in love with you. And if you ever change your mind…” Bucky reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card, pressing it into my free hand. “This is where you can find me. I figure it’s time for me to go home.”

We’d come to a stop in front of my building, and I was shocked at how tight my chest felt. My eyes watered as I stared at him long and hard. “Jamie, please… I⏤”

“Don’t say it. It’s okay,” he insisted as he cupped my cheek, letting his thumb run over my skin as though he was memorizing it. “I just want you to be happy, darling. You got that?” His lips pressed to my forehead, letting it linger. “Go get that life you’ve been dreaming of.”

Twenty-Three

I left New Orleans the next day, grabbing a bus ticket after throwing all of my belongings into my old duffel bag. It was time to move on.

But God, did it hurt.

I didn’t stop crying for weeks, fighting the urge to go right back to Louisiana and tell Bucky to take it back, to get him to beg me to stay with him.

But what kind of life would that leave me with? Working in the diner day after day? Never getting anywhere?

But you’d have James, a voice inside my head reminded me snarkily.

Then again, he most likely wasn’t even in New Orleans anymore, if what he said was true when he gave me the business card of his father’s mechanic shop. Was he really planning on going home to New York City?

A few months later, and I’d worked my way all through the southwest to Santa Fe, where I met Pietro.

My heart was pounding as I pressed in the familiar numbers, having memorized them from the business card now soft and faded from how often I held it in my hands like a lifeline. “Come on… Pick up… Pick up…”

“Barnes Tires and Motors, this is George,” a man said in a gruff voice when he finally picked up. “How can I help you?”

“H-Hi, is James there? James Barnes? Bucky?” I stammered out, hands trembling so bad that the old payphone was almost rattling.

There was a pause, and then muffled talking away from the phone.

And then I heard it being picked up. “This is Bucky,” he said.

It felt like the wind had been knocked right out of my lungs. How had I gone so long without hearing his voice?

Breathing in sharply, I tried to figure out the words to say. But my throat was dry and it was like I’d suddenly forgotten the entire English language.

That was all that it took for Bucky to realize it was me. “Baby doll? Baby doll, is that you?” He asked quietly. “I…” He took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “You don’t gotta say a thing, sweetheart… But just know that if you’re in trouble or you need help or… or anything at all, you better call me…” His voice wavered, as though he was fighting tears just like I was. “God, I miss you so much, baby doll. I love you.”

I love you, too.

I hung up before I could actually say the words. “God, I’m so fucking stupid,” I whispered as I leaned back against the wall of the gas station I’d found myself at, rubbing the heels of my hands into my eyes.

My dumb ass had decided to wander from the bus station, and I’d walked over a mile away. Unless I was staying in Santa Fe for a bit, I’d need to start making my way back.

“You okay?”

In my distress, I hadn’t even heard the rumbling of the motorcycle or noticed the handsome man making his way to me. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” I said even as I wiped my nose with a pathetic sniffle.

He eyed me for a long moment, his eyes roaming over my figure. “You hungry? I know a great little place nearby. My treat.”

And well, I was never one to turn down free food.

Even if that ‘little place’ ended up being a food truck.

“You know, when you said it was a little place, I didn’t picture it having wheels,” I said teasingly, licking salsa off of my lower lip. “Though, it is the best food I’ve ever gotten from a food truck before.”

“Oh, come on. This is the best food of all time!” He laughed, shaking his head.

“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” I snorted, finishing off my flautas.

Pietro looked at me long and hard. “So, are you gonna tell me what the hell was going on to have a pretty girl like you all teary eyed?” He asked, his head tilting to the side.

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. “Was this your plan all along?” I asked. Wiping my hands off on a napkin, I did everything I could to avoid his eyes. “Get me all fed and then question me?” But at the same time, the thought of being able to finally talk to someone about it was so appealing… After a long moment of hesitation, I finally gave in. “I fell in love with a man, and he let me go because he knew that I want a life he can’t give me,” I said. “And I was a bitch who didn’t even tell him I love him back when he said it to me.”

Pietro took in a deep breath, slowly letting it out. “Damn. You really are a stone cold bitch, aren’t you?”

“Hey!” I indignantly threw a chunk of tomato at him, glaring. “I just opened up my heart, you dickwad.”

“Dickwad?!” He said, blinking at me in shock. “No one’s ever called me a dickwad before.”

I raised a single eyebrow at him. “Maybe not to your face, but they definitely have.” He gave off the vibe of a fuckboy, of a really, really bad fuckboy.

“Well, since you’re running away from your feelings, how about you spend a week or two with me on the road?” He asked with a grin.

I couldn’t help but blink at him in shock. “What?” I let out a laugh, pulling one of my legs up to my chest. “Do you throw that line out to every girl you meet? Or am I just special?”

Pietro threw a chip at me, and I barely managed to dodge it. “No, I don’t. But… You remind me of me. Needing adventure. A life bigger than four walls and a fence.”

Instinctively, I wanted to snap back that sometimes, four walls and a fence could be an adventure, could be the biggest life there was, as Bucky’s face flashed across my mind.

But I couldn’t do that. Not when I wasn’t ready to face the truth myself.

“Come on, sweet cheeks,” he teased as his foot hooked around mine. “Just think of it. The open highway, a rhythm beneath your feet… Nights full of passion and days of adventure…” Pietro’s voice was deep and husky, as though he was trying to lure me in. “No strings… just warm summer rain soaking us to the bone before we find some cheap motel to huddle down in…”

Plastering on a smile, I stood up and brushed myself on. “Thanks, but… I’d rather be drinking champagne, and the quicker I get to LA, the sooner I will be.”

He let me go with a kiss on the cheek and his cell number pressed into my hand, with a promise to come and pick me up the second I rang.

And despite how sweet he was, how wild and funny and charismatic, there was only one man I wanted to call.

Twenty-Four

I sipped at my martini as I sat at the rooftop bar, absentmindedly watching the television that was mounted on the wall as people droned around me. I’d been in Los Angeles for a year, and I’d spent my time finding the best places to find a husband who could give me the life I dreamed of.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, it took connections to build a career, and the best way to get a foot in the door when nepotism was so rampant was by marrying someone in the industry.

My silk dress was the most expensive thing I owned, something I’d saved up for months for, had skipped meals for. And fuck, was it worth it. I could feel the stares, the lingering gazes on the little bit of thigh that was exposed by the slit in the dress.

I’d already turned away several men, able to tell just from their expensive watches and cheap suits and shoes.

It was amazing how all the up and coming finance bros thought they fit in with the truly big dogs.

“Well, hello, gorgeous.”

I turned to see who was speaking, my heart skipping a beat when I realized who I was speaking to.

The world famous (or infamous) director, Tony Stark.

“Hello, handsome,” I said smoothly, my lashes fluttering innocently as I took a sip of my horrible drink.

I fucking hated martinis. Always had.

But ordering a martini was more sophisticated than ordering a frozen strawberry margarita.

“Is this seat taken?” He asked as he motioned to the empty bar stool right next to me, even as he was already sitting down. “Let me buy your next round.”

“I can’t think of anything better,” I said, feeling as though my dream life was already in reach.

Twenty-Eight

“Tony, where are you taking me?” I laughed as I let my boyfriend lead me to the private dock at our Malibu mansion.

Well, his mansion. I just happened to also live there.

It had been a whirlwind of a year since I had met Tony, and he’d bought me that second round. He’d taken me all over the globe, anywhere my heart desired.

But I made sure to avoid New York City, though he never understood why. I would never tell him.

Not when I was so close to my dream. I could practically taste it.

“Come on, come on. I have a surprise for you,” he said, keeping his hands over my eyes. He was sure to keep me from tripping and busting my ass, thank god.

The ocean waves were so comforting as they hit the shore, a sound I’d gotten used to over the past year.

He finally brought me to a stop, quietly telling me to keep my eyes closed. “Okay,” he said finally. “Open them.”

My eyes slowly opened, adjusting to the bright light of the California sun. But I was more shocked by the sight of Tony on one knee in front of me, holding out a box with a sparkling diamond ring in it. “Tony?”

The ring was the size of a fucking meteor. It was easily the biggest ring I’d ever seen.

“You know, I never thought I’d meet someone like you,” he said quietly, his dark eyes shining. But his voice was steady. “Someone who understands me, who doesn’t expect me to change into someone I’m not. You accept me as I am, and that’s why I want to give you the world.” He couldn’t help but grin as he nodded to the right. “Starting with that yacht you’ve always dreamed of.”

I hadn’t even noticed that there were two yachts at his private docks instead of just the one. The new one had SS Princess emblazoned on the side, and I couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh… Tony…”

“So, what do you say?” He asked, bringing my attention back to him. “Will you be my wife?”

“Yes.”

Thirty-Two

Swallowing nervously, I looked down at the business card in my hand for the millionth time, the stock paper soft from how often I’d looked at it in the past ten years.

Hell, just how often I’d looked at it in the past six should’ve made it fall apart by now. Not that I didn’t have it memorized.

I’d finally ended my marriage after being miserable for so long. I’d gotten my yacht, my fancy houses, my career, all the jewelry that I could dream of, and none of it made me happy. Tony and I… never grew. And I never dreamed. Every day was the same, and every day was torture as I realized that I didn’t have the one thing that actually mattered.

The garage in front of me was busy, music blasting and the sound of men shouting to each other as they worked.

Suddenly I felt absolutely ridiculous wearing a Chanel dress and Gucci heels, an Hermés bag on my arm.

BARNES TIRES AND MOTORS was lit up along the top of the shop in bright red letters, though the lights in the ‘r’ of ‘motors’ were out.

I felt like a fool. I had wanted the life I had so desperately that I gave up everything for it. I got the movie star life, my name on billboards and my face on magazines.

But it wasn’t ever enough.

My heels clicked against the blacktop as I slowly made my way towards the front area of the shop, bells clinging above my head to let them know someone was there.

“Can I help you, ma’am?” A man asked as he came around the corner.

He looked so much like Bucky, it punched the air straight from my lungs.

“H-Hi. I’m looking for James Barnes. Is he here?” I asked after a long moment of hesitation. There was no way that the man was Bucky, but I didn’t doubt he was related.

The man raised his brows, wiping his hands on a rag. “My son’s in the shop. I’ll take you to him.” His full head of hair was white, his thick facial hair matching. Even with all the wrinkles on his face, he was a handsome man. Holding open the door for me, he led me into the loud shop, some eighties rock song blasting over the speakers.

I couldn’t help but smile as ‘Rock You Like a Hurricane’ by Scorpions came on. It was one of Bucky’s favorites back when we worked in the diner together.

“BUCK! YOU GOT A VISITOR!” The man shouted, causing several people to look our way.

My cheeks felt hot as I avoided their gaze, hoping they wouldn’t recognize me. I didn’t want to be a famous movie star anymore, a celebrity that had to beg for scraps of privacy.

My mind went numb, my heart stopping inside my chest as he stepped around a gray Ford Escape another man was working on.

He was even more handsome than he was the last time I saw him.

“Can I help y—” He broke off, his blue eyes going wide when he realized that it was me. “Hi.”

All of a sudden, everything I’d planned to say flew out of my head. All of the eloquent words I’d strung together were gone. And I just proceeded to word vomit.

“Did you know that, uh, when you marry someone you’re not in love with, you won’t… you won’t grow into it?” I asked, my voice shaking. “Um… I married a man who could give me a life I thought I always wanted, and he just… sucked.” Eyes stinging, I fought back against tears. “And I thought that all I ever wanted was the life I have now, was the life movie stars and the Kardashians lived. But… But I hate it. I hated every second I was away from you.” I let out a weak laugh, unable to stop the tears. “I wanted to turn around the second I got on the bus in New Orleans, but my stupid stubborn ass didn’t. I should have. I should’ve gotten off and just run right back to you because I… I love you, James. I always have.”

The garage had gone almost deadly quiet, and my heart sank when I realized Bucky looked almost frozen in shock.

“I know that I shouldn’t have showed up like this,” I scrambled to say. “But I… I’ve been trying to get my divorce finalized for two years and I finally did, and I kept telling myself that once it was done, I’d never hold myself back from what I really want ever again. From who I want. If… If you want me.” My face felt like it was on fire, my hands shaking. I shook my head as I took a step backwards. “What am I thinking? There’s no way you’re not married. I… I’m so so—”

Before I could finish the word ‘sorry,’ Bucky had closed the distance between us, his hands cradling my face so gently. He held me like I was made of fine crystal as he kissed me. He kissed me like his life depended on it, like I was the one source of oxygen.

And I kissed him back just as fiercely. “I love you. I love you so much,” I breathed out in between kisses, unwilling to let him go as my Hermés bag fell into the dust and oil on the concrete below.

Bucky smiled into the kiss, his arm wrapping around my waist to keep me pressed to his chest. “I love you so much, darlin.’ God, I’ve missed you…” His nose nudged against mine as we finally broke for air, both of us breathing heavily.

My knees felt like Jell-O as I held onto him. His grip was the only reason I hadn’t fallen to the ground already.

“I’m sorry I was a dumb twenty-two year old,” I said, snorting as he stole another kiss.

“No… Don’t be sorry,” he insisted, his fingers massaging my scalp as our foreheads pressed together. It was like he was scared to stop touching me, like I would disappear at any second. “You were young… You had to go out and make your own mistakes… I’ve just been waiting for the day you were ready.”

All the years apart melted away and all that remained was the two of us, two souls so intertwined that there was no way to truly separate us.

Our lips were half molded together as I said, “I’m never leaving you again. I promise I swear on everything…”

My heart almost stopped inside my chest as I heard someone clearing their throat, looking to see Bucky’s father staring at us with his arms crossed over his chest. “M-Mr. Barnes, sir…”

He gave a crooked smile that was so reminiscent of Bucky that I couldn’t help but grin back. “The Mrs. will wanna know if you’re staying for dinner.”

“Yeah,” I said as I looked up at Bucky, toying with a strand of his hair. “That sounds perfect.”

Later that night, Bucky and I laid in his bed, a mess of bare limbs as his fingers ran up and down my back soothingly. “What do you want from this life, baby girl?” He asked absentmindedly.

Humming, I traced shapes on his bare chest, sometimes pressing a kiss to where his prosthetic met his shoulder, on the tender scar tissue. “You.”

A grin tugged at the corner of his mouth, despite the already mischievous look on his face. “Really? Not even the stars and the moon?” He asked teasingly.

I knew he’d give it to me anyway, give me all that he could. But I was sure now that the only thing I wanted from this life was his love. “Not even the stars and the moon.”