#[ i mean! i've had this blog for several years now?? but still i struggle to keep a consistent activity on here xD ]

[kakimushire]

✨🧡🌙SEND THIS TO TEN OTHER BLOGGERS YOU THINK ARE WONDERFUL. KEEP THE GAME GOING ✨

[ Thank you so much! ;O;// I'm really flattered to get this on here since I write way too little on this blog T v T --- I'll definitely try to get more consistent! Thank you for enjoying my blog! ]

[ashyyslashy]

Call Me: Renfield x GN!Reader

You work at a hotline for people suffering with codependence. You find yourself attracted to an odd guy who frequents the line, and one night, you both let down your guards.

word count: 2,039

warnings: sexual content (orgasm denial, phone sex, praise kink, m! masturbation), language

tags: @kpopgirlbtssvt @karmakaoskk-blog @wrldsapart

You were deeply intrigued the first time you heard his voice. Unmistakably kind yet nervous. Soft, subdued, as if he was making himself smaller even over the phone. You surmised that he was used to being unseen, to shrinking away from others' gaze.

He introduced himself as Robert Montague Renfield, in a British accent permeating with gentle formality. He was instinctively charming, yet there was a certain sorrow you caught lurking in his voice.

He was tight-lipped about his codependent situation for the first few calls, only telling you vague details about his boss' narcissism. Whenever you brought up the subject of what exactly he did for work, however, he was decidedly evasive in his responses. The most you could glean was that he was some sort of assistant, but you couldn't say what for.

You could say that his life revolved around his job. Every time he called you - after the first time you talked he'd always ask to speak to you whenever he called the hotline - he seemed fearful he could be pulled away at any moment. Guilty about taking time to himself.

You tried not to pressure him, allowed him time to become more comfortable. After several calls, he was still secretive about his work, but he slowly started confiding in you. He struggled to develop his own identity under the shadow of his boss. He felt deeply alone, unable to connect with others. He often felt controlled by feelings of hatred and discontent towards himself.

When your shift ended one night, you acted on impulse - you gave him your personal number, telling him to call you any time. You wouldn't normally do something that forward, but you were drawn to him. Your conversations at work never felt long enough. He was hesitant at first, anxious about taking up your free time. But you assured him it was what you wanted.

The two of you exchanged photos, and your attraction multiplied. The selfies he had sent you were hilariously awkward, the angle unflattering and the lighting reminding you of the harsh fluorescents of a hospital room.

But you didn't care. Despite his inability to work a cell phone camera, he was otherworldly. Piercing blue eyes, dark hair against pale skin; exactly how you'd imagine the love interest in a gothic novel. Something inside you craved him with a fervor that you believed had been long dulled by monotony and routine.

This night, you'd brought up the topic of romance. You couldn't let the curiosity eat away at you any longer of whether or not you had any chance with him. He had laughed nervously, before telling you he hadn't pursued someone in years. You knew you shouldn't, but you pressed the subject.

"Well, any short-term relationships, flings?"

"No, no one."

"Not even a one-night stand?" You paused. "I'm not passing any judgement, by the way. Romance in the 21st-century is so shitty, if you can even call it that sometimes."

He laughed again, the uncomfortable edge in his voice increasing.

"Yeah, it's.. strange. But to answer your question, no. Um, I haven't done anything like that in a while."

"I mean, I think hook-up culture is kind of fucked. You're better off."

"No, I didn't mean it like that. Uh, I haven't done anything sexual."

You hesitated. "Like.. ever?"

"No, no, no, I've done it. Just not for a long time. I- I kind of have a mental block."

"What do you mean?"

"You know how I said it kind of feels like my boss is always in my head?"

"Yeah, I remember. Do you want to talk about it more now?"

"No, no, I just don't know how to explain what I'm trying to say. I feel like.. I can't do anything.. like that. Like, uh, sexual. Even if it's just alone. I don't know. I feel like he's there watching me or something, and then that kind of just makes me want to.. you know, stop."

You took a beat, processing his words.

"Are you referring to, uh, pleasuring yourself?"

He swallowed audibly. "Yeah. Sorry, that was.. I shouldn't have brought that up."

"No, that's okay. If this unhealthy relationship with your boss is an issue that's affecting your sense of privacy, and interrupting personal rituals such as, um, masturbation, I think we need to discuss it."

This conversation had certainly not gone where you expected it to, but you attempted to remain somewhat professional as you felt the heat rising in your cheeks.

"Your work is only part of you," you steamrolled on, taking advantage of his embarrassed silence. "We've talked about this - how it, how he, doesn't define your entire identity. This is an example of something in your life that has been deterred by your codependence: your inability to fulfill your own sexual needs."

"Oh. I didn't even think of it that way, but you're completely right. Shit."

"I usually am."

"So, uh, what do you think I should do about it?" he said.

You were completely unable to read his tone. He sounded so utterly earnest despite the fact that he was asking you how he should comfortably fulfill his sexual needs. You decided to test the waters.

"Um, where are you right now?"

"I'm in the apartment I rent. I was scared my boss would overhear our calls if I stayed there."

Your eyebrows shot up involuntarily. "...So you went and rented an apartment?"

"Uh, he has a lot of money."

"Yeah, I guess he does." You cleared your throat. You were trying desperately not to lose your nerve. "You're alone, right?"

"Yes."

"And you trust me?"

"Of course I do."

"I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to only say yes if it's what you want. Okay?"

Fuck, you were really doing this.

"Okay," he replied.

"Um, well... How would you feel if you.. did it? On call with me? I could guide you, make sure you feel comfortable." You held your breath as you heard only silence from the other end.

"Er.. do what, exactly?"

"Um. Touch.. yourself. Shit. I'm sorry. I realize I should not be asking this-"

"Yes. I want to," he cut you off, his words so rapid they blurred together.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I really like you. And like I said, I trust you. I'm also, uh, very, very attracted to you."

"I feel the same about you," you said softly.

"Tell me what to do," he responded breathlessly. You could hear him shifting around on the other end of the line.

"I've never done this, before, uh.. are you hard?" You cringed. "I really hated how that sounded. Fuck."

He laughed, quiet and musical. "Yes. I was almost as soon as you brought this up."

"Okay, we should probably, um, establish some ground rules. If you want to tap out, just tell me you're done. We can never speak of it again. And tell me if anything I tell you to do makes you uncomfortable. But, uh, there is one thing I want to do, if you're okay with everything else."

"Yes?"

"I want to be the one who controls when you cum."

"I'm at your service," he breathed.

Your heart skipped a beat. "Don't make me sound like your boss."

"I'm not gonna be hard for much longer now that you brought him up."

"Shit. I'm really bad at this, Renfield," you laughed.

"No, no. Just give me your instructions, please."

It was hard to ignore your own arousal pooling in your stomach, the wetness that was rubbing against you when you moved. "Okay. Uh, remove your clothes."

You heard shuffling for a minute as he complied. "Done."

You braced yourself for the next sentence. "Alright. I want you to start stroking yourself, gently."

"Am I allowed to use some kind of lubricant?" he asked.

You tried to stifle a laugh. "Yes, whatever works. You don't have to ask permission for that."

You heard squelching sounds on the other line, and then the unmistakable sound of him slowly stroking his cock.

"Hey, uh, I have something to ask you," he said softly, stopping.

"What is it?"

"Could you, um.. praise me? You know, tell me I'm doing a good job, and everything? Comfort me, I guess." His voice swelled with hope and maybe something like shame.

You hated that he probably never heard anything like this, that he was looked down upon and berated daily. You desired so strongly to be there with him, to show him how perfect he was with your touch and not simply your words.

"Yeah, of course." You waited a moment until you heard him resume.

"You're so eager to please me, huh? I bet you look so fucking hot right now, stroking yourself to the sound of my voice. You're so good for me, aren't you?" you drawled.

"Yes," he murmured. "I think I should let you pick up the pace, since you're doing so well. What do you think?"

"Yes, please."

"Okay. Faster."

You heard him comply on the other line, the sounds of slapping against skin increasing in intensity and his stifled groans amplified.

"Do you have a TV?"

"What? Oh- u-uh, yeah."

"Stop for a moment. Turn it on and turn up the volume loud enough that anyone walking by can hear."

"Al-alright."

You waited.

"Okay, I did. Can I keep going now, please?"

"Yes, but I don't want you to muffle yourself. I want you to be loud for me. I wanna hear you."

"O- okay." He allowed the moans and grunts to leave his mouth freely, the droning of some news program playing in the background.

"Shit, you sound so beautiful. Don't stop, okay?"

"Mhm," he murmured through the noises of pleasure. You shut your eyes and allowed his exclamations to fill your ears.

"I-I'm close. Can I cum?" His voice was pleading, desperate.

"Not yet. Keep going. Just a little longer, okay, keep being good. You can do that, right? And then I'll let you cum."

"Y-yes," he sputtered, a hungry edge in his voice.

"So fucking good for me. Do you wish it was me getting you off instead of your hand?"

"Yes, s-so badly," he forced out through sighs of pleasure. "I think about you all the time. I-I'm so glad I met you. I didn't think you'd- like me too."

"Of course I do. How could I not?" you whispered affectionately.

He hummed in appreciation. "Fuck, you're so gorgeous."

He grew louder, his noises more strained. You continued your soft words of encouragement, turned on by the effect they had on him.

"Can I cum now? P-please?" He begged.

"Do you think you deserve it?"

"Y-yes, I think so. But only if you do too."

"Okay. I think you do. Cum for me."

He let out a loud moan, pumping in rapid succession until he slowed and stopped, breathing heavy. The two of you sat in silence for a few seconds as he came down from his high, his panting slowing.

"You did so well, Robert. It felt good, didn't it?" you prompted.

"So good. And you- you were perfect."

"I wish I could see you right now."

"I want to see you too. I don't want this to only happen once. I loved it, doing this for you. Thank you." His voice was full of adoration.

"It was for yourself, too. But I can't pretend I wouldn't enjoy if you thought about me every time you jerked off."

"Who else would I want to think about? It's you, always."

You flushed, smiling at his words. You wanted to talk longer, but there was an urgent problem that you didn't think you could delay any further. "Hey, I'm really glad we did this. Are you good for the night? Do you need me to stay on the line while you clean yourself up?"

"No, it's alright. We'll talk soon, beautiful. I appreciate you so much. Good night."

"Good night, Robert. Sleep well."

You hung up the phone, finally free to attend to your own situation. You laid back on your bed with your hand working its way beneath your unzipped pants, Renfield's noises of pleasure playing over again in your head.

author's note: renfield is so baby girl <3 and thank you for the continued support my #1 fan (you know who you are)

[eternalfrowning]

Hi!! So I've been following your blog since middle school and it's TG days, and now I'm in university for art and you've always been one my biggest art inspirations and muse! So I know this sounds crazy and maybe jealousy-filled and envious, but sometimes I feel like I can never ever reach your level? Like aside from the technical aspects, the way you have mastery over your style, approach to color, "soul" that embodies your art... There's something in it that makes you feel emotion.

Meanwhile I feel like a robot who can only draw and paint technically well, but my art doesn't inspire feelings. It's always the same things with no variation and I'm always scared of getting out of the box and being truly free. Like I'm simply not creative. It's just that no matter how much I improve in art, I feel like it means nothing at the end at all because there's these hard limits regarding creativity set upon me. Even in university, my classmates have so many creative designs but nothing ever comes up in my mind. Do you ever feel like that? How do you get over it?

Hello Anon ! I'll begin by saying thank you so much for your message, and for trusting me with your words and raw feelings about your art journey ; i hope i can be a good listener here, and help you a little..!! im honored my blog has been a part of your path for so long, and still be a place you like today.

(It's a pretty long reply so i cut here!)

Now, to reply directly to your last questions: yes ! I do/did feel like this ! And the 'how to get over it' has no clear answer, it's a personal one, but all these feelings are natural i think, but not absolute, it goes away, it comes back, it becomes minuscule.

It's interesting because what you describe liking about my drawings, are things that is/used to be such difficulty for me, and such fears !! Colors are still a real struggle, and, i'm opening my heart here, because you were kind enough to open yours, i'm always deeply scared my drawing doesn't say anything, i fear it holds no soul, i worry it makes the viewer feel nothing. It's always something in the back of my mind. And i feel no expertise in my techniques! So your enjoyment about my drawings is a very pleasant surprise to me, and a tiny slap in the back of my skull that says : 'chill sometimes!!!! it's okay, you're doing great!!' , and, i hope i won't sound impolite, i'm saying this with tenderness, but maybe that's what you need to hear too !! So i'm saying it to you Anon ! You speak of yourself very harshly, with like a severe sentence over your head that tells you what you're capable of or not, a sword of Damocles awaiting to strike and stop your body from drawing. It's too mean and wrong. Take good care of yourself, it is you who matters most! I had a terribly shitty time in art school, i don't know how is your university, but i hope it's not making you feel bad, i hope it doesn't crush day by day your relationship with your art and with your self. The way you kindly describe your enjoyment about my drawings over the years, and the way you're serious about what you do and what you'd like to do, tells that it is deep to you, that it is something you hold dear ; if i can keep on giving advices here, i think maybe connect again to that, your enjoyment; you like drawing ! Also, i probably just heard one single interesting thing in art school, but it helped : '…it's just line on paper.' At that time, i was having a nervous breakdown in the classroom, the teacher was flabbergasted, and blurted out that to me. I was working on a large format and my mental health was IN THE GUTTER, i felt my life was on the line with every little buildings i was drawing, my whole body was trembling ! But, between very unrespectful and crazy statements, here she was right. We can be serious about what we do, and still remember that it's just lines on paper, pixels on screen. We can go back to it tomorrow, we can erase all of it, it's okay. It doesn't matter as much as us waking up, drinking a good glass of water, drawing a smiley on our skin to cheer us up!

More precisely about what you said about creativity, i had the same feelings in art school, i thought my classmates were so much smarter and creative ! And they ARE brilliant, i met wonderful brains there !! We talked together about how i felt behind, and for example my friend was surprised because they were really admirative about my drawing ! The confusion was mutual haha ! I still feel inadequate sometimes, but we all have our own aspirations and interests, and it's actually so much fun to share, have mutual inspirations, together. Did you talk with classmates you trust about your struggles ? You would be surprised!! It's interesting to hear what other people have to say ! Do you think they feel nothing when looking at your drawings ? Did they say it to you ? Or is it something you believe in the back of your mind only ? And even if they did say something like this to you, did they provide fertile feedbacks ? Also, the fact that art inspires feelings or not, or the fear i talked about earlier that haunts me sometimes..i think we can agree it's so subjective!! Something you love, something you want to cherish all day and keep below your pillow because it makes you feel so much and strongly, can be a complete 'whatever' to someone else aha, and it's just like this, and it's the very same 'something', it's okay, it's good like this actually!

Creativity, from what i understand, is a difficult thing to define and characterize, honestly. But i'd say, while there is this tiny spark of indefiniteness inside a process, the little squeeze in the chest where you feel you're getting something coming up, the bubbly things you want to process and tell in your drawing, it's not all there is to creativity in my opinion! These 'ideas' can be fuel or the sparks in your drawing motor yes, but creativity is most importantly the choices you make ! You said you have technical skills, and improving, and it's this technicality that can guide! A lot of artists think of themselves more as crafter, or even 'robot' sometimes ! It's automatisms over automatisms, choice over choice over choice, to get something as close as possible as the goals we had in mind, as close as what we like or imagine or need. Be rigid! there's nothing wrong with it.

That being said, you mentioned that you're drawing the same things. In what sense ? If you portray the same subjects and you're not happy with it, it could be good to change subjects, draw whatever !! Your interest will spark in space you wouldn't imagine ! And, if it doesn't, coming back to what you know with other things done will revive old flames.

What seems to hold you back is fear (and deep fatigue if i can add this, i'm serious take care of you). We know how much seriousness and love we pour into drawing, it's personal, but it's not a reflection of our self in absolute, it doesnt say anything about you, your value, what you can or can't do. For real, the limits most of the time are on the technical side, and it seems you have this covered, i trust you to ease your brain into trying new things for you, trying things again with an unserious mind also, look at how fun your brush hitting the canvas is, mix mediums, or don't haha! And, if it's difficult to do it 'mindlessly,' once again it's about choices ; 'i deciced the light should hit there because it's the main subject', 'i decided this color meant /thing/ that's why it's there', 'i decided the lines should be thicker because it's a reference to /this/ and it made sense to', You can be very free inside your own box, truly ! You will expand your world without realizing it! I hope i make sense, and didn't say too many stupid things. I talked a lot once again, and a lot about me ouargh but since you asked about my experience, i hope it's okay, and that you can find some points useful to you. For now that's what i can give !

I'll finish all this by saying thank you again, and wishing you all the best in your path, in whatever form it takes. Don't hesitate to contact me again if you feel like it, or to talk about it with classmates and people you trust, and take a step back when needed. You got this!!!

<3

[katyspersonal]

*has another bad memory activated after a chat* I remember at the beginning of me joining the BB fandom, in summer 2021, I had the worst luck ever of attracting a person over discussing Izzy with now deactivated user, who instantly jumped at me with so much warmth, interest, questions, engagement and trust that by that time not even my friends were so affectionate

We exchanged Discords and chatted for a week or two, and I was feeling so, so, SO safe. It's been after a what, three years period of emotional abuse from every corner, loneliness, depression and meds? It felt like a final healing ray of warm sunshine after the longest and coldest night. She (at least it was her pronouns back then, dunno if it changed by now or not) wished me good night and good morning and was so genuinely invested in talking to me, I thought I've found a new friend.

......then, one morning, I messaged her a headcanon I thought she'd like, but saw that she blocked me on Discord. And Tumblr. I did not know why, so I asked a shared mutual to ask her what happened on my behalf. But while waiting for that mutual, the pain grew so severe that I no longer wanted to know. I simply made a throwaway account on Tumblr to tell her in her face how much it hurt and that she should not lure people with fake sense of trust and warmth if she is ready to just backstab them like this. And what did she do? Well, she posted a rant about me in her blog, namedropping me so people could "stay safe", pretending like I've done sone irreparable harassment to her when I just told her to not act like a friend and then bail without explanation, and worse: she revealed that all along, she was reading some twisted emotional manipulation in my messages when I was just being socially awkward, and instead of addressing her problems with me in MY face, she was showing my messages to her friends to discuss with them how """manipulative""" I was and took their advice to block me and run. 🤦‍♂️

Needless to mention that as soon as Eugene started a crusade number 2 against me, she instantly joined her on this one like "heeeey guys I am a victim of this horrible abusive monster too, she MANIPULATED me and HARASSED me when I tried to get away!!!!" 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Ever since she blocked me after acting very affectionate and friendly in every way possible, I've had nightmares about her for half a year and I still, to this day, feel scared every time I hit a good conversation with someone in the fandom. I always get paranoid that they, too, might read nonexistent malice in my messages and discuss the level of my "harm" behind my back. After what she did I struggled to trust anyone in the fandom. But of course she acted like she was the victim who got harmed here. All because she could not address her suspicions of me in my face and because I told her "don't fucking cultivate strong trust only to break it"!

Fuck you, Spade, you deserve my hatred even after all this time, and I'll hate you until I stopped second-guessing everyone I chat with. Which is still a problem I have. I hate people who throw words of affection and warmth around like they mean nothing and then act all weirded out when people they got to trust them, big shock, started to TRUST them! "We weren't even friends we only talked for like two weeks!!!! 🥺" then why you did literally everything to act like a friend to me? And I sure hate people who can't even say "Hey, this thing you say makes me feel unsafe like you want to get certain reaction from me, can you Not" instead of talking bad faith trash about me behind my back. I hope a moment of fame feeling like a victim of terrible abuse was worth it, huh? God, you should become friends with Anna, you two are horribly similar.

[alpimerealmsystem]

You Can Recover

ED recovery is the best thing I've ever done. I've struggled with orthorexia and then anorexia almost my entire life, it only got severe about a year ago though. About 4 months ago my best friend and honorary sibling more or less forced me to recover. It's been a long journey to say the least. 

When I started recovery I thought I'd never be able to go back to eating normally. My brain would always be running as a calculator. It still is, I can tell you a rough estimate of how many calories I've eaten today and tell you how many cups of cereal is in a bowl because I've measured my food so many times. It still hurts, but now? I'm not obsessively looking for calorie menus of places, and if I can't find one I'm not trying to calculate every thing that went into it.

ED recovery has been one of the most mentally challenging things I've put myself through, but my life has improved so much. Here are some of my favorite things about recovery

I just went to a family dinner and didn't make all the food because I needed to know the calories (still had to make some cause food allergies but y'know)

Choosing the foods I like, not the healthy or low cal versions

CARBS CARBS CARBS (speaks for itself)

I'm not a bitch cause I'm hungry all the time

My periods? They're regular now, I'm not skipping four months at a time (tmi BUT DAMN)

I'm not lightheaded cause I didn't eat and my vision isn't blurring because I didn't eat LIKE THATS AMAZING

SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR

Eating when I want, not what the clock says

I have gone 2-3 weeks without weighing myself (I EVEN LOST TRACK WHICH IS A HUGE DEAL) AND I DONT PLAN TO WEIGH MYSELF TOMORROW

The number on the scale doesn't equal my happiness, I am not mad because I gained 0.2 pounds

I've gained 20 pounds BUT IM HAPPIER WITH MY BODY I love my squishy stomach and back rolls and cellulite and chonky face because it means I am not starving

I don't feel worthless because I'm "too heavy" or "not pretty"

I don't have to buy new clothes every two weeks because my old ones were way to big <3

I'm no longer trying to make sure others see me eat so they don't worry

KEEPING MY STUPID ED BLOG A SECRET (god glad those days are over)

And so much more. Recovery is possible. Recovery is the best thing that happened to me. I know you may be struggling, but it gets better. Everything's not hopeless, even if it feels like it is. Feel free to DM me if you need support or send an ask ^^

I love you, for everything you think is a flaw, for everything you hate about yourself, no matter what it is.

[ironladders]

palestinian gofundmes to donate to

i've had several fundraisers for palestinians in gaza sent to my inbox so i'm going to compile them here in this post; if you have the means to, please go through and send some money + love to these people, whose stories i've briefly summarized here. otherwise, please share this post so it may come across someone who can help

ibrahim (@ebrahimyasseralangarsworld) and his family have a goal of €10k, with ibrahim specifically wishing to be able to continue his education in peace. right now though, donations to their campaign are only at €286/€10,000.

farah (@farahh2003) is using current donations so her family can pay for rent and food, as prices of both have risen, but they're trying to get enough money to evacuate and rebuild their lives at the first chance. they are currently at only £2,041/£50,000

mahamoud (@mahmoud91hilles) has a very large family, many of whom are children, and is collecting donations to both provide for his family and have crossing funds for when the rafah border is open again. his campaign only has €187/€50,000

mohammed (@mohammednasers-blog) is just 17 years old and has been displaced multiple times along with his 7 siblings and mother. he is raising money to buy food, water, medicine, and to evacuate when possible. the campaign is only at €3,819/38,000

ehab (@ehabayyad23) and his family of 20 have been displaced and living in tents for almost a year now. he is asking for donations to secure daily needs and be able to evacuate. his gfm is currently at only €2,147/€50,000

mohammad (@yasermohammad) and his 5 children have been left without a home, employment, or proper education. a relative of mohammad's started a campaign to help them recover, and so far they are about halfway to their goal €19,841/€35,000

islam (@islamgazaaccount3) is a physical therapist with a family of 6, including an 85-year old grandfather who lost his hand to israeli occupation's violence many years ago. their gofundme page details what exactly they plan to do with the expenses. his friend mohammed is the one who set up the campaign, which is currently only at €1,842/€30,000

alternatively, you can donate to islam with this paypal link:

mahmoud was studying IT before the university of gaza was destroyed, and is currently caring for his father + siblings. he has hopes of being able to escape with his family, and continue his studies down the line. it is at only $1,145/$25,000

majed (@majedgaza1) and his family already fled gaza, but due to having to pay so much to cross the border & losing their homes they are still struggling in egypt. because of the economic situation, they are raising money to rebuild their lives and secure stable housing. their campaign is only at $2,118/$70,000

[e-m-p-error]

Regarding My Absence

Below the cut is some real life stuff that I've been going through. I don't want to post a lot of details but there's stuff that I probably need to tell y'all. This is not a vague post about someone, this is not a callout post. This is informative about what I've been going through for the last month. Please be aware that I do not name drop or even give many details in the following post.

CW: Drug use, relapse, self-deprecation, Rejection Sensitive Disphoria, hopelessness, trauma mention

So I've been experiencing a lot of emotional turmoil for the month of May and I'm still really fragile. I won't go into details, but it involved my Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and a friend that is no longer a friend.

I've been struggling with who I am as a person and reconciling that with what was said to me about why things weren't working. I feel the need to change, but the problem was that I don't want to become cruel or mean. I want to remain a kind and understanding person, I just feel like I shouldn't because I was too much again.

I have a lot of trauma around being "too much" for people and I've always coped by making myself less. But I can't do that this time and it's been causing me a lot of panic, anxiety, and upset. I feel like a bad person for being a good person, and it's been really hard.

I had a relapse into my drug habit after 14 years sober. I was so upset and beside myself I didn't know what to do, and I messed up.

I've been really fragile and hopeless for a while. I've been worried about my cat's health, as well, he has Tourette's and he hasn't been doing as well lately. I'm really concerned for him. We lost several mice, we have lost a cat this year, I'm still not over my grandmother's death last year...

I've had so much loss and I'm so scared.

I've also been diagnosed with more mental illness and while I'm finding ways to adapt and help, it does make me feel sensitive and scared to talk about it with most people.

This blog has always been my escape from the bad shit in my life, but I really dropped the ball and haven't been here. I need to try and come back to the things that make me happy.

I've also been feeling like I don't really belong in the community again. I don't think this is anyone's fault, I feel like I don't belong anywhere. But I feel like I should just delete my blog and my Discord and everything and just leave entirely. I keep myself from doing it but I want to.

I am also currently working on a Resident Evil (4/7/8) blog that I plan on writing alongside this one. I have Kinktober, Kinksgiving, and Kinkmas prompts that I'm working on for my resource blog. I'm trying to get back to writing fic and posting it. I've been getting into some rp servers on Discord. I'm trying, honestly. I just need patience and kindness right now.

If you read this, thank you for getting through to the end. If not, no hard feelings, I know it's a lot and has some touchy subject matter.

[cilil]

New Year & Resolutions

So... 2023. As with many of us, it wasn't a great year for me. Lots of stress and struggling irl, family members getting severely ill, some tragic accidents... and with some of these situations being ongoing and big scary exams coming up, 2024 isn't looking much brighter for me in that regard.

However!

I still have my stories, my blorbos and my friends - and that means you guys - to keep me company and brighten my day. I don't know what I would do without you and all of the fun things we do together and for that, I'm endlessly grateful.

In late 2022, I (re)entered the Silmarillion fandom (as in, I was never interacting before that, but I was there), and in 2023 I joined and participated in a whole bunch of events and met so many great people - many new, but also a few I remember from back in the day. It felt great to finally, after all these years, have the courage to reach out and let you know that I love your works. Let's hope for another year of creativity and community, and I'm very much looking forward to what everyone has in store...

... which brings us to my new year's resolutions.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ I've started working on expanding my character pool, as some of you may have noticed in the more recent events and challenges I shared on my blog, and I want to continue doing that. Comfort is a fickle thing and I'm always worried I don't get it right, but I try to take it as an opportunity for creative growth either way.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Related to the previous point: I want to continue using the drabble and ficlet events specifically to give gifts to friends, mutuals and followers alike, so once again: If you have brainrot or fun ship ideas or anything of this sort, let me know, hit me up, let's chat. I love hearing new ideas. And if it's ever something I don't feel like I can write or talk about at that time I'll let you know, so no worries at all.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ I want to continue being present for events, but I need to find some time for my personal projects as well, which I haven't really managed this past year. There are several ideas for bigger projects I have lying around and collecting dust (both Angbang and otherwise) and I also have old fics from back in the day that I want to rewrite and share. It won't be easy, especially with the aforementioned exams and all, but I want to at least try.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ That also includes requests I have yet to fulfill and unfinished events. My apologies to all those who have waited longer for something than they should have - I assure you, I didn't forget about it. I'm just a bit of a bumbling fool who gets too excited about her hobby and then proceeds to bury herself in too much work.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ On the other hand, I did manage to make some progress in regards to being more motivated, being more productive and taking better care of myself and I want to continue improving in that regard, be it when it comes to fandom or otherwise. I also want to say thank you to all those who supported me during difficult times - you know who you are. Thank you. I appreciate you more than you will ever know.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ As generic as it sounds, I also want to continue improving my craft, both writing and, dare I hope, art. I had several moments over the year where I felt like I improved or I learned or understood a new thing, but there's always room for more and I'm someone who enjoys learning.

I might have forgotten something so there may be edits, but that's it for now.

I wish all of you a happy new year and all the best for 2024, even if things aren't looking too bright for you either. Despite everything, I'm confident that we can get through this together, and if nothing else just know that I'm here for you, trying to share the things that make my life better and hopefully bring others a bit of joy too.

By which I mean hot angel porn -

Bye~

[fairydustedtheory]

I guess it's time for a new life update and pinned post on my blog. If you've been following me for a while, you know that this year has been a bit of a struggle, to put it lightly. I'll put everything under a read more because I know most people don't want to read that.

tldr: I'm f***ing poor. Here is my Kofi account and my kid's christmas amazon wishlist

Long story short, I've had to go to court twice to see the judge to protect my kid from her father and his new girlfriend who are pretty toxic to her. (I can share more in private but basically we've been and are still going through it). My kid has had a hell of year. Both of our mental healths have greatly suffered and are still suffering but we're trying to heal and hopefully will end the year in better shape than what we've got to experience thus far.

At the end of last year, I finished my paid course which I hoped would mean I'd get a nice job but sadly it hasn't been the case because there aren't many jobs available where I live and the ones I got interviewed for were simply given to people who knew people. And nobody hides that fact. So yeah that sucks and i feel guilty about not being able to earn more money and i feel guilty that i am exhausted. but I don't feel guilty that I put my kid's mental health needs first and that I try to protect her from the bad things that happened to her. But now with all the added expenses for my kid's therapy and some health and lawyer bills that weren't part of the financial aid I got, a tight budget can only get tighter. On top of that, my kid's father decided to stop paying all child support for over a year now, because he's a neat guy like that so that's about €4000 that he owes and I don't know when that will be sorted out. It's not money issues on his part because he comes from a wealthy family and owns several restaurants. Everything's been adding up and making it pretty difficult for me. I'm fairly good at budgetting on small finances as this is how life has always been for me but all the unexpected drama has been a lot.

Like for anyone who says don't have kids if you can't afford them... well, without publicly diagnosing my ex on the internet, let's just say he was very shitty but also very convincing and I was in no way prepared to get dumped basically after giving birth. I don't regret having my daughter, she's the love of my life and even though the world keeps putting obstacles on my way, I keep the hope that we'll get to a good life for the two of us sometime.

Soooo yeah, I know the overall state of the world is bad for everyone and my problems are definitely not the worst problems that exist. I'm grateful for what I do have and I'm not expecting miracles or anything but I keep trying to convince myself that there's no shame in struggling.

I'll share my Kofi account again if anyone feels like donating a couple bucks to my dumpster fire of a life. Anything helps and will go towards paying the rent (which was raised over €50 without the landlord informing me, just to make it more fun) and groceries.

Also, in case anyone feels like being a Secret Santa for my kid, here is an amazon wishlist. We didn't celebrate her birthday the way we usually do because money and mental health weren't with us at the time but it would mean the world to me if she could still feel some Christmas magic somehow. Her first choice is a telescope because she's been fascinated by space and stars lately, so I'm going to do my hardest to save up enough to have it under the tree at Christmas.

I know I'm barely on here anymore, I don't host any events anymore and I barely talk to anyone so I don't even know who is still around but at least I got some of that off my chest and trying to manifest a good end of the year, if only in good vibes ha

[chemblrish]

Hey, First of all, I love your blog. It's literally aesthetic ~ I wanted to ask if you considered job prospects before deciding on your degree because I see people around me saying chem is not worth it because of future possibilities. I also have a background in Biotechnology, but had a similar issue with it being too vague. I am working in a totally different field which I am greatful for but I dont plan on staying here long term. Seeing your blog rekindled my interest in chem so would love to know your point of view on this or any advice you could offer. You can totally ignore this if you want as well <3

[This got SO LONG omg 🙈 But I hope it can be helpful]

Hi there fellow chem enthusiast!

To be honest, it's no secret that finding a job in the scientific field is difficult here in Poland. I was fully aware of it when I chose biotech first and then chemistry second. My reasoning back then was, "I love science more than anything and, since I have the opportunity to study it literally for free, why not take it? Why not spend five years - that are going to come and go anyway - learning something I'm passionate about, broadening my knowledge, and giving myself a chance to create a beautiful future for myself? Even if I fail to get a job in science, at least I will know that I tried my best. I'll have spent five precious years of my life doing something incredible."

Which may sound a little depressing, I agree 😅 But several years later, I still think this way. Even if I can't get a job in chemistry once I graduate, at least I'm so, so happy now. I can't really picture myself doing anything that's not science-related, so I know I have to try.

But at the same time, after a couple of years studying for two different science degrees, I have some insight that I didn't have straight after high school. I have had people tell me getting a science degree isn't worth it too, that I won't get a job afterwards, but I've noticed most of those people belonged to one of the following three categories:

1. People who have absolutely nothing to do with science: distant relatives working in business or trade, my parents' acquaintances with no higher education, everybody who ~has heard things~ but has never really been in the position to see firsthand how these things work.

2. My fellow science majors who have older friends with a science degree: their concerns usually sounded valid to me. After all, they were in touch with people who actually got the degree in question and then tried to navigate the job market post-graduation. Later though I realized a lot of those people belonged to the third category.

3. Science students who honestly don't know what tf they're doing - a category that I like to divide into two subcategories:

a. well-meaning but lost students who really need guidance

b. people who went to uni because eh why not but who don't really care and who refuse to put in the work.

I definitely belonged to category 3a at the very beginning of my uni journey, so there's no shame in that. I'm a first gen uni student, so I had to figure everything out all by myself as I went.

The thing is, I got to talk to a lot of people who complained that a science degree is useless while doing pretty much nothing to sharpen their skills. They floated through uni as if it was nothing but another chore they had to cross out of their to-do list, barely passing, having zero interest in their field of study, not taking any opportunities that were literally out there. No extracurriculars, no internships, no side projects, nothing. Is it surprising at all these people struggle to find a job in science afterwards?

Don't get me wrong, nobody has full control over their life - sometimes you just get lucky. My friend's friend (lol) needed to take a break from uni after his BSc and got a job in an analytical lab straight away. But most often you just really have to work your butt off to get what you want. The people from my old uni who truly cared about biotech worked extremely hard to get to where they are now: with published papers and working with their profs. Harsh as it may sound, I now know that if I don't want to be one of those people with a """useless""" science degree, I have to do more than is expected of me. I have to put my introverted, anxious self out there, because being passive probably won't get me anywhere.

The people who love you and care about you mean well when they say chemistry isn't worth it, but that doesn't mean they're right. Similarly, people who graduate with a science degree and then struggle to get a job aren't all slackers who just didn't try hard enough - that's absolutely not true. Life isn't always what we want it to be. I wouldn't exactly feel comfortable giving you advice since I'm still in uni, but I can tell you my experience, and my experience is people who know what they want and who are willing to work very hard for it, usually get it.

I'd say this is also no secret but it tends to float over people's heads (no shame in this either, it's hard to imagine your whole future when you're like 20) that when your profs tell you to do more, they're being serious. When they say doing extra is important, they're right.

So, I believe in all this stuff and I work hard and I got myself an internship, and will this get me a job in chemistry? I don't know! I've no idea! Maybe I'll fail miserably! Maybe I'll be one of those people who genuinely try hard and then just happen to be really unlucky! But right now I'm doing everything that's in my power not to let that happen. I can't guarantee you success in the scientific field - nobody can - but I can tell you hard work, determination, and faith in yourself increase your chances of succeeding dramatically. It's a cliche, I'm aware, but if you never try, you never know. You only get one precious chance to experience living on this floating rock and everything that comes with it. Why not try to make it good?

[queerstake]

I'm sorry for sending this, but I'm. In kind of a weird spot. I don't really have many other places i can turn. I figured out several years ago that i am aro/ace, and for awhile I just thought that was okay. Still okay with church. Just more open than others might be to the queer community. But it's gotten so hard as I've come to fully understand myself. That I'm non-binary. That I am pan for tertiary/alterous attraction. And now I've got a genderfluid datemate. I love them with all my heart. They aren't part of the church. I didn't tell them that I was raised LDS until after we started dating, but they realized a long while ago. They've been supportive and understanding of my position through everything.

But I have a hard time with a lot of the culture that has developed around the church, and I find I don't want to go anymore. Maybe it would be easier if I knew more queer members, but I don't. Any friends i have learned are queer have left.

My family isn't friendly to the queer community, which hurts like hell, because I want to tell them about my partner. My family means so much to me. I want them to be okay with the fact that I still believe in God and Jesus, but I just don't want to be "active".

Even being a "good active member" is mentally exhausting for me. It puts so much mental and social strain on me. Social stuff is extremely mentally exhausting for me. Doesn't help that my dad is emotionally abusive. I know it isn't like this for everyone, but I'm just so tired.

I don't have a lot of people in my life that really understand where I'm at, I'm so sorry for dumping this here. You can delete it. Thank you for what you do, hope you're safe and well.

Hi anon. Your message is about a year old as I'm answering it now, and I'm sorry for making you wait so long. I had some work to do myself before I could dedicate myself to this blog fully, and now that I'm here and ready, I want to start tackling the inbox.

Given that it's been so long, I'm sure your life has changed since you sent this message. I hope you're doing better.

Your message sounds very familiar, actually. I'm also an aroace and trans member. By the time covid came around and church meetings stopped for a period of time, I myself was worn out from struggling to keep up. I think you and me felt much the same. I used the excuse of covid to take a brief church break to figure out how I was going to make being a queer mormon work. I felt awful for having to take time off, but in the end, it really was the right choice for me. I was able to work on myself and my relationship to the church while setting aside some of the pressure I had put myself under for so long and now that I've built myself up stronger, I'm able to come back and foster a healthier relationship to the church.

I'm so glad you have a good relationship with your datemate to help you during this time! Being a queer mormon is really hard. We have to make concessions and reckon with our faith the way many straight mormons don't have to. It IS exhausting. I imagine god has put your datemate in your life in order to help give you the support you need right now.

If you or anyone else needs permission, please DO take a break. God doesn't want you to suffer, and you can't foster a good relationship with him if you're suffocating. Taking a break or not being active is not a bad thing. In fact, it was a REALLY good thing for me and really helped me come back to church even stronger than before.

I'm sorry to hear you were and are going through so much anon, and I hope some of the things I've said at least have helped you feel not alone. If you are able to take a break from church right now, I encourage you to do it! Heal and wrestle with god on your own time. You don't owe anyone anything, and god will be there with you no matter where you go. If you are unable to take a break for some other reason, know you're not alone. We understand you, we've been through the things you're going through, you're welcome to reach out any time you need support. Being a queer mormon is so hard and can be so lonely. Your queer siblings and your heavenly father are here for you.

[honey-beann]

1, 2, and 14 for the asks! -@wamblings

Okay I may or may not have gone off here, so buckle up lmao

(Also side note, but if you're reading this and you somehow haven't read @wamblings' fics i implore you to do so immediately, I reread them so often that you would think I was studying for a test)

#1 - Have you written scenes (sex or otherwise) that actually made you feel uncomfortable, and how did you deal?

Oddly enough, I think that the only thing that comes to mind is the scene in Home(you) where the reader is reflecting on her past with the rk brothers. I struggled a lot with writing out the way that all of them were interested in her both before and after she chose to be with Sixty, because I wasn't sure how to make it feel as natural as it was supposed to, and that made me feel super uncomfortable with it all. Attempting to convey the non-platonic but also not entirely romantic relationship the reader had with all of the boys was really difficult for me, because the idea of them being unable to move on from her and her not necessarily pushing them to do so made me strangely uncomfy.

I think this is also why I've been working on the re-work/second part for so long, because I know exactly what I'm trying to have come across when it comes to their relationship, but it also makes me wonder on occasion how ethical the situation is haha. I don't think I push myself to write about protagonists doing things outside of my personal moral compass very often, so doing so just made me a little bit uncomfortable. That said, I was absolutely able to push through it by having a few friends read it and give me their thoughts so I could get a little bit better of an idea of what was being conveyed :)

#2 - Do you write porn from the perspective of the character you want to be, or the one you want to bang?

I am a big fan of both lol. If I were to say which perspective I write from more often, I would have to say the character that I want to be (the reader), but even so, I don't know if I've written a smut scene entirely from their perspective before (although now that I think about it, I probably have).

I like to talk about both what the reader feels, and what the other character feels as well, especially when doing so can add to the plot (if there is a plot at all). So, for example, when writing Sweet Eternity, If Only, I wrote a lot from the reader's perspective, but I also wrote from Nines' as well, because I knew that being in his head for a part of the fic would add additional and necessary context to the plot of the story. How else would we know that he cares for the reader in the way that he does if she doesn't even seem to know about it? I think that with certain characters, being inside of their heads during intimate moments can really add depth to them, so I definitely like to bounce back and forth between the perspective of the character I want to be and the one I want to bang lol.

#14 - What's your favourite way to emotionally destroy your favourite character?

Oh jeez, this is a hard one, because even if you can't tell, I adore writing angst. For some reason, when it comes to this blog, I haven't been doing it as much as I have on my other accounts, but even still, I think it is probably my favorite genre to write. As for my favorite way to emotionally destroy my favorite character though, this is a bit of a loaded question, especially because it means I have to pick a favorite haha.

That said, I'm not sure when or how it happened, but sometime within my several years of being in this fandom, my favorite character ended up being Nines, in spite of how little actual game content we have of him. I think that the idea of a machine that was never in a million years meant to feel, that was built for violence beyond anything else, and that has no interest in feeling the way that those before/around him do/have really calls out to me, because when it comes to love it means that his experiences with it are almost entirely uncontrollable for him. He isn't like Connor, he doesn't have some part of him that yearns for that connection, because he doesn't believe it has any value. He wants to be efficient.

And I think that's where my favorite angst to write about him comes in, because I adore situations where he is desperate to be as cold, unfeeling, and efficient as (in)humanely possible but he just can't. This concept of him being confused, angry, and even frightened by his own emotions is really interesting to me, as is the idea that his refusal to give in and let himself love and be loved is painful for him, but that he just can't let go because he believes it would make him weaker.

Plus, the dynamic that comes along if he ever does give in? Cold, calculating, and immensely intimidating android who only loves one person and just tolerates everyone else? The unexpected way that he yields to nearly every single one of his partner's desires in spite of how stubborn and uncaring he can be?

And alternatively, the world never knowing peace if he ever had to endure losing the only person he has ever offered his heart to?

I'm a sucker for all of that (if you couldn't tell).

In fact, I think a really good example of love for torturing Nines with his own emotions and feelings is the entirety of Beautiful Ruiner, Damn My Ashes haha.

Not only is he hellbent on insisting that he doesn't love the reader and that she also doesn't love him, but he also can't let himself enjoy the opportunity he has to touch her the way he wants to, because that would mean admitting he's weak to his own desires. Plus, the fact that he refuses to acknowledge his immense need for her and the care that he feels towards her only to wake up from stasis and realize he had been making his entire physical experience with her up in his head? Thus proving just how little control he is beginning to have over his own thoughts and feelings? I love that, the loss of control, the denial, the persistently cruel internal monologue of agony, it is like music to my ears lol.

Bonus facts, my favorite Connor angst is usually death related, so him losing someone in the one way he cannot change, and my favorite Sixty angst tends to be him refusing to let himself be happy and pushing too hard until he finally pushes someone right away.

[the-shrinkingviolet]

It's been 4 years

4 years since I've logged in or shared anything. (And apparently my blog is 13 years old now! Time flies!) I see it's changed quite a bit, so I might stick around. I don't know. On one hand I feel cringey about coming back and using Tumblr for some reason, but on the other hand I miss seeing the creative side to this site and sharing good art and my interests.

What really brought me back here though was the fact that I felt the need to make a post about how I'm feeling. To go back to "venting" on here like I used to. Just for the moment though. Thankfully, since being on medication I don't feel as trapped or stuck inside myself like I used to. I'm able to handle my emotions and thoughts and feelings in a much healthier way than I used to and actually talk about things. Thanks Prozac!

I really just feel the need to vent right now though in an effort to express myself, not because I don't talk about it, but I guess to just articulate better in words how I'm feeling and how I have felt the past 5 months.

April was a very difficult time for myself and my family and everything has changed tenfold since then. My father had a massive stroke and wound up in the hospital for nearly a week. He almost died and we were fully prepared to make funeral arrangements. But he came back around, sort of. Since then he's made leaps and bounds in progress physically. He has no paralysis, only some nerve damage and numbness of his feet and hands that come and go. He can walk well and does not need a cane or any other assistance. He passed physical therapy in only a few weeks with flying colors. Unfortunately it's the cognitive side of things are not good. There is permanent damage and he will never be the same person ever again. What caused the stroke was a severe blockage in his left carotid artery. He was on medication (and lifestyle and diet changes) these last several months to try to break up the blockage some so that he could have surgery to take the rest out and put a stent in. But none of the treatments have worked. The blockage is still there -- 90%+. So the only other option is to do a bypass through his scalp. There are many risks involving the surgery and of course after, and it won't prevent another stroke from occurring 100%, but it will help lower those odds. Despite this, despite showing my parents the studies and research how bypasses still can greatly reduce the risk of stroke despite all the other factors involved, my father has refused. The doctor basically said that without surgery, the next stroke he has will likely be worse than before and if it doesn't kill him it will render him unable to do much of anything.

My dad has since been forced into retirement and can never return to work. He was forced to sell his farm because he can't do the heavy lifting anymore. He can't tinker or reprogram technology like he used to. One of the smartest and headstrong men I knew now struggles to comprehend what he reads, cannot write, stutters horribly when talking (but can still speak sentences and is still undergoing speech therapy), and cannot drive. I see him feeling depressed and angry and grieving over what he's lost. It makes me sad and angry too and it brings me to tears thinking about it every time. And I really, really wish there was more I could do.

I mean, is there? I'm trying. I've been trying to find him new hobbies. But I don't know where to begin. He has autistic tendencies, so he's very specific with his hobbies and hates trying new things. He loves animals but cannot own a farm. He has always loved technology but has a hard time comprehending it now and it frustrates him trying to use a computer or phone anymore. He hates going out and has developed paranoia now since his stroke. He doesn't talk to anyone hardly, never really had before but now it's worse. His eyesight is permanently damaged now so reading is hard for him although he still does and tries his best. He does take walks, but not far or for very long. Again, I think because of the paranoia with people seeing him in this state now. He's never been an artsy or crafty type and doesn't like those things.

My brother lives at the house now and doesn't do much to help out. He's taken them to appointments when mom can't or doesn't feel like driving. He's fixed up some stuff around the house since the stroke happened, but that's about it. He's otherwise a pathetic piece of furniture that just takes up space, plays video games half the day, doesn't contribute to shit, complains about everything he doesn't like, yet still does not have a job after being back here these last few years. (No comment on my parents handling that situation -- I'm an asshole and I would've kicked him out after a year but whatever) My mother is stressed being power of attorney now with handling all of my dad's finances and benefits, while also going to appointments with him and explaining things to him to help him comprehend what's going on. She's doing a decent job handling it all. I've offered to help with the finances just to take some stress off her shoulders, but she refused. She says she can handle it, so be it. I do step in and chauffeur now to their long distance appointments when my brother refuses, because again, he's a useless piece of shit. The communication between my mom and my dad has been terrible though. She's not patient enough with him and cuts him off guessing what he's trying to say and it just frustrates him more. Between that and my brother just being a useless leech, the house is tense. Some days moreso than usual, and yesterday was one of those days. I couldn't wait to leave. I hate to say that because I want to spend as much time with my dad as I can while he's still here -- because I always have a sinking feeling that he won't be here by next year.

It's been hard jugging this with my job in which I can't even keep FMLA benefits with because the company they use loves to fuck people over and deny the benefits where they can because paperwork comes up "missing". (I call bullshit and I'm ready to kick someone's rear end through the phone now that I've had my claim closed 3 different times by these morons. Oi) Without these benefits in place, I'm not excused at my job to even care for a parent because heaven forbid the company I work for even remotely gives two shits about their slaves to offer an unpaid single day off. On top of all this I am in the process of job hunting yet again.

I guess that's all I have for now. Did this make me feel better? Eh, maybe? I don't know. I think I just wish I could live another life right now.

[madeimpact]

10, 26 for the munday meme??

Shh pretend it's still munday || @beinfriends

Gonna answer 10 under a cut because it talks about some of the, uh...more difficult subject matter in End of Evangelion

∗ 26﹕ who  was  your  very  first  muse ?  would  you  consider  writing  them  now ?

I answered this already, but just to humor the question, I'll refer back to my other answer last time this question came around the blog. Old Vocaloid self insert that predates tumblr.

Hm...I dunno if I'd consider writing her as she last was before she kinda retreated into the recesses of my brain. I'd probably end up completely reworking her into her own OC ( she was already sort of evolving into her own character in her later stages anyway ).

∗ 10﹕ is  there  a  piece  of  your  character’s  canon  that  you  refuse  to  accept ?

I've talked at length before about how I feel about the infamous hospital scene in End of Evangelion. EoE Shinji is just overall a very different, more vitriolic character compared to what we see in the anime. I'll go ahead and link this meta I reblogged a while back because I basically directly quote it whenever I'm asked about this, they were able to put the vague feelings I had into words way better than I ever could LMAOSDHKDFJLG

I don't really outright say it didn't happen, but rather I try to figure a mental process that's a little more in line with the anime that would result in...yanno...that. I just feel like it's a little bit more of a challenge to do it that way you feel? Writing it out entirely feels like the easy, "it's problematic therefore it doesn't exist" solution, which really doesn't work for what Eva tries to be. In the past I've explained it as a lapse in judgement that not even Shinji knows how to explain ( not the most satisfying or in-depth, I know, but this is something I've been struggling with for years ). With him strangling Asuka on the beach, I've written it as some combination of him acting on pent up rage about how Asuka treated him, plus him needing to know he exists in the physical world again, therefore being able to touch someone. Mind you — holding up a big flashing neon sign here so no one gets it twisted — that's not to say any of this is justified behavior. It's not. EoE Shinji does fucked up shit, there's no two ways about it. I've just...tried getting into Anno's head about the whole thing, I guess. I've tried to think whether there's a universe in which this stuff happens. And of course, I'd NEVER actually write this shit out in RP. Not the time or place.

I just...I have a lot of complicated feelings about End of Eva. I don't actively dislike it as a film overall — it has some good things that can connect back to the anime, like "anywhere can be heaven as long as you have the will to live" and Shinji's ultimate rejection of Instrumentality. But it's hard to reconcile several elements of it with the ending of the anime ( which I prioritize over EoE as the conclusion to anime Shinji's character arc ), even though I've tried over the years. Maybe it's just my weird reluctance to just outright change shit about canon, idk.

If anything, I guess my answer to all of this is my post-EoE verse where things start to rebuild and look up for the cast. It's something I like about the manga and rebuild — they're a little more unambiguously optimistic, which I think ultimately does Eva's message of self-love and self-improvement better service. Post-EoE Shinji is generally in a better place mentally and regrets his actions in EoE. He chose a world of individuality, which means he needs to take ownership of those actions and do better.

[pinklovehealing]

Day 1: Introduction

Hello, and welcome! Call me Pink. I've wanted to start a blog chronicling my journey into self-love for several years now. I finally have the courage to do it. Today's the day.

Like many people, I have spent the majority of my life living from a place of self-hatred. I was living from a place of deep shame and found ways to disapprove of everything about myself. I was never good enough. I grew up in an environment that was emotionally unsafe and unstable. I often felt neglected. Alone. It was as though I could only interact with people from behind a one-way mirror. I could see others, but they could not truly see or hear me. Gaslighting was a common occurence. It was legitimately terrifying at times. My understanding of myself warped into something that was far from reality.

I believed there was something terribly wrong with me. I saw myself as something that needed to be fixed, but found it impossible to make myself "perfect". Obviously. No matter how much I tried to be something that won the approval of others, I still felt empty. This only compounded the self-hatred I felt, and I spent many years spiraling into despair. I became very hardened; apathetic towards life and never seeing a point in continuing forward.

As an adult, I struggled to share what I was really thinking and feeling with people around me. I felt like I was doomed to suffer. I felt completely unworthy of real love or kindness from others. I felt that I was embarrassing. I felt the only way I could be deserving of anything was if I worked for it. So, I became a workaholic and ran myself into the ground just to prove that I was worthwhile.

I struggled to stand up for myself, to ask for my most basic needs to be met, and instead sought about meeting those needs in very unhealthy ways with very unhealthy people who had nothing satiating to give. I was blind to this fact simply because I was drowning in self-hatred and was desperate for any kind of outside approval-- even when it didn't feel good.

In recent years, I have devoted myself to the path of self-awareness and to uncovering the very wounds that caused me to try and be something that I'm not. I have met with many wonderful people along the way, all of whom have helped me reach newer and newer heights I never thought possible. Although my journey is far from over, I have reached a milestone-- I'm ready to share more of my experiences out loud.

I'm nervous and excited all at once! But the thing I've learned is that the more I share my progress with people, the more comforted and inspired they feel. Turns out, no one knows what they're doing. And almost no one really knows what it means to love themselves. Few people have really solid examples to reference. I've also learned that it's because this kind of journey is not a one-size fits all. Everyone's relationship to themselves is entirely unique. What is healing for one person, is not always healing for another. That's up to the individual to decide. What I'd like to achieve here is to provide you with an example of what that relationship can look like.

We humans are multi-faceted and contain many different sides of ourselves. Like a lens that has shattered from the impact of trauma, each sliver of fragmented glass contains a different perspective. To be self-loving is to bear witness to each internal perspective, and offer it unconditional presence. To bring it closer. To understand it, instead of trying to control it or push it away. To seek out what it needs. To address those needs directly. We bring these different pieces of ourselves back together, repair the lenses, and allow the process to change how we see the world. More importantly, we allow it to change how we see ourselves.

It's an opportunity to see ourselves as someone who has always been whole. And please trust me when I say that hearing that sentiment from self-help experts and relationship experts used to trigger me to no end. I couldn't imagine that being true. It used to just make me angry. Sometimes it still does. And that's fine. I'm still learning.

It's a daily practice. It's something you can build slowly. We can't expect ourselves to make massive changes overnight; not all the time. It's okay to start where you are. That's what I had to do. I want people to know they are not alone in the pain they experience behind closed doors. I also want people to know that they don't have to drown in self-hate forever. I'm here as a testament to that.

From this point forward, I'll be sharing my thoughts and my struggles, my victories and my failures. Because I'm willing to learn how to love myself in every stage of my life.

That's my Valentine's Day gift to me. And I'm sharing it with you too.

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

Yo, I'm a trans man and I just found your blog. I'm super excited to see what you have to say about sexuality!

I recently accepted myself as Demisexual and I often get mocked for it when I tell people because to people that aren't, I'm sure it sounds really confusing or dumb but it make perfect sense in my head.

I thought I was asexual for years then suddenly I was attracted to my current partner and I had no idea what was happening. But even when I was, something still felt off. I loved him, but I didn't want to be physically intimate, it scared me.

So I thought maybe I'm still asexual, or just sex repulsed after all?

But as years passed something suddenly clicked and I WAS attracted to him sexually too and I repeated the cycle of not knowing who I was. I didn't, and hadn't felt that way about anyone before. I mean, sure I've had aesthetic crushes here and there but I had no desire to be with anyone physically, even my boyfriend, until almost three years into our relationship and I developed a trusting bond.

Someone finally had to tell me when I explained the situation what demisexual was. And I'm happy with it!!

But it also kinda scares me, because it walks the line between being sexual and not, and a majority of people aren't willing to wait years for you to be ready, you know? God forbid if anything happened to my boyfriend, which I don't think it will but I can't predict the future, it's pretty hard to find other demisexual people, if I'd even want to date ever again, seeing how falling for him was a surprise in itself.

(I'm aware I'm just kinda going off but I thought explaining my situation would help anyone who reads your blog understand what demisexual is if they didn't know before)

What's your take on demi? I didn't see it anywhere in your blog while I was kinda exploring, I'm very curious what your opinion may be, if you don't mind sharing, of course!

I hate to break it to you friend, but I'm gonna disappoint you. While I won't tell anyone what they are or aren't-- that's something only you can figure out and determine for yourself. I take demisexuality with a grain of salt. There's a post in my faq somewhere about it.

I don't know your story and I won't pretend to be an expert on anything. But not being comfortable with intimacy until a good amount of time into a relationship isn't rare. And I don't think it's fair to those who struggle with it to call it a sexuality. It's something that can affect people for a long time, if not their entire, life. And it's something that will create personal boundaries in any relationship, romantic or otherwise.

I had some severe intimacy issues with romantic relationships up until I came out as male due to my gender dysphoria. I have a friend who has intimacy issues due to trauma. Someone else who has it due to sensory issues.

And it can make relationships so difficult. Because as you said, not everyone is going to be patient enough. And that's ok. It sucks but it's ok. Because there are people out there who will be patient, who can respect your boundaries, and who can love you as you are.

Renaming intimacy issues as demisexual takes away the real problem that this causes people. It tells people that the don't actually have a problem. It can be very insulting. It also falls into a very dangerous area where someone can become and stop being demisexual-- ie. You can change your sexuality. Which will lead (and I have seen this already happen in liberal open minded spaces) to people saying the same thing about being gay or trans. That you can stop being or choose to become gay is extremely homophobic. And likewise for other labels.

Now not everyone I've seen who has used demi has used intimacy issues as their reasonings. I've seen someone say they were demisexual because they didn't fall in love with someone as soon as they meet them. A majority of people don't fall in love at first sight. The most they might get is infatuation. Which will very quickly disappear if they aren't compatible. A majority of people need a while before gaining a strong crush. This same person would get crushes within a week of knowing someone which made their whole reasoning feel convoluted.

In general I get pretty nervous when people make whole labels about how someone experiences their sexuality. Specifically when they treat it like it's own sexuality outright. Not being attracted to people/comfortable being intimate right away is a descriptor. It describes how you experience your attraction. Existing outside of the 'who' that your attraction is directed at. A gay man who doesn't want to kiss on the first date is just as gay as one who insists on kissing right away. They don't need separate labels or sexualities.

Making separate identities for how someone experiences sexuality/what their boundaries are gets confusing. The new labels often contradict, getting different definitions dependng on who you ask thus defeating the purpose of a new word. The new label sometimes tells people with legitimate attachment issues that there is nothing wrong with them (someone can and will be able to love you even if there's something wrong with you. It's not bad to have someone wrong with you). There becomes so many labels that no one can keep up, making it harder to organize support groups, give out funding, find support, and actually feel connected with others who are like you. It leads to further division and I've seen it cause people to ignore each other's struggles (everyone claiming to have it the worse which helps no one). Mogai is the worse offender of this, but demi still contributes.

By the most popular definition of demi, a majority of people would be demi. Most people can't fall for people through dating apps. Most people need time before they can be intimate. Lots of people need time as friends before they even WANT a relationship. It can be a bit deceiving with TV and church and just society structured as it is sending confusing messages. Teenagers/young adults often get caught up in infatuation and confused sense of self causing them to put more worth into relationships then they should.

I definitely get feeling alienated if it takes you years to develop a crush. I've genuinely been there myself. But it's not a new sexuality. Nor do I think it needs to be a new label. Especially when we already have words that describe that much better, with more accuracy, and that can help people find solutions/ways to figure themselves out a lot easier.

I'm happy you have a good partner. And I hope you two all the best. You deserve someone who loves you as you are. I'm happy that you find comfort that you didn't before. I personally however, find myself getting increasingly frustrated with demisexuality as every person tells me a different definition and often times explains to me concepts that already exist.