#[ gen. ] circlejerk || group verse

[shadysidcrs]

@lndenmeres || matt taylor & jim hawkins

there's a light frown on jim's face and it takes all your self-control to not wake him up by kissing that spot between his eyebrows. self-control and the fact that 90% of you is made up of guilt at the moment. you watch him for a little while, not in a creepy way... more like in a this is probably the love of my life and i am about to break his heart way. he turns in his sleep and you're unable to stop yourself. you lie down, your chest against his back and you close your eyes, breathing him in. he smells like home. you nuzzle your nose against the back of his neck. stealing just a few more moments with him. but it's unfair. it's stupid to pretend like you can stay here forever. you've been here before. you've been on the other side before and you can remember the hurt, the anger. you can remember how you wanted to break michael's neck the second you saw him with emily on that fucking mountain. jim deserves better than you can ever be. you kiss the back of his neck, slowly making your way to his cheek, his temple. "how do you look so good when you sleep?" you say, your mouth to his ear. "i look like drooling baboon. probably smell like one too." you pull him close, if it's the last time you get to do this you're gonna do it right. teeth dig playfully into his shoulder. "breakfast?"

[shadysidcrs]

you are done. done. DONE. with crying over michael or joshua or joseph. in fact, you are done with all three of them. done being their cute little girlfriend (girl who is a friend!) whom their string along for stupidity. their sweet little pet they unload their troubles on and expect to comfort them. you. are. done.

you're liv rooney, hollywood star! they should thank you just for breathing next to them. and speaking of! sorry, it's been how many years? and josh still hasn't introduced you to his dad! he would know of your scream queen ambitions if he ever asked! but no. it's always liv, i'm sad! liv, i'm horny! liv, i have trauma!

yeah? well, trauma doesn't excuse you from being a good friend!

like they don't know how deeply and desperately you are in love with all three of them. oh, they know! in fact, they will entertain your feelings from time to time. michael will tell you you're pretty, joshua will whisper how special you are. they both will even kiss you at times when the other isn't available. and joseph will... well, you still have all your limbs, don't you?

you spent hours outside their doors, texted, called. but not a single one of them answered. they must be busy having a drug orgy or something sketchy like that.

so you must be there when they break each other's hearts (or thumbs, happened once!) but they're too busy with each other to hear about how the prettiest girl in the world got up and left you like you're nothing?

maybe you are. maybe liv rooney is nothing once the cameras turn off. maybe you're only good for a pretend friend and a pretend lover. and the real you is... she's there. you've always known you're too much and maybe it's time you accepted no one's gonna want to deal with that.

you still dream of her dark hair, her lips on yours. and every time you think everything is okay, she just gets up and leaves and when you follow, there she is! with her lips on someone else's lips. of course... not ready for a relationship always means not ready for a relationship with you.

it was in the middle of one such depressive internal rants when your fingers wandered down, down, down into your contacts.

wendy is too nice to say no, right?

you were expecting a silly little pity visit from her, you didn't even wash your hair! (you don't know how long it's been and at this point, you're afraid to ask) but that wasn't it at all.

turns out she knows what it's like to be loved for the light you can give and then tossed once a fuse is out.

so you're tipsy, and you're laughing for the first time in decades (it's been a week at most) and wendy shines under your diva lights, and maybe it's the wine or maybe it's the fact that you've felt devastatingly alone for so long, but you almost cry when she touches your hand.

you'll have to ask what perfume she wears later because you want to bury your face in her neck and breathe her in.

you're a bit taken aback by the topic change. you remember... and you regret. wendy wouldn't break your heart, she wouldn't throw you away when she grows tired. wendy's soft and sweet and, like you, she just wants to be loved.

you focus on her eyes, just in case this conversation is not going where you think it's going and you end up embarrassing yourself kissing one more person who doesn't want you to kiss them.

your eyes widen. not that you're embarrassed or shy about sex, because you're totally not. you did give michael what was basically a lap dance and almost had a threesome with him and josh, after all. but your cheeks burn when wendy implies she's thought about it.

talking about that feels different here, far from your sexually hyperactive friends. it feels the way it felt back when south would talk about it. before she did it, that is. you really are friends with some horny people, you're just now realizing that. but anyway, it feels important. like something that should be special.

is wendy... oh! she is...

"wendy..." before you can ask if she's sure, before you can give her the chance to change her mind, you lean in and kiss her. and it's so... different. in the best way. you know she's probably thinking about the girl who broke her heart but you don't even care. the kiss is a bit shy, softer than what you're used to, gentler. you break apart to smile at her. "is this the wine speaking, miss darling? because i would be honored to share those experiences with you."

you push a lock of hair behind her ear in the way that makes your heart skip a beat whenever someone does it to you. this time when you lean in, you stop just before your lips touch "only if you're sure, though."

@shadysidcrs​

it’s always nice to see liv. you feel as though you have grown distant from her — grown distant from all your friends, in fact. why risk spreading your sadness to the people you love the most? 

— that is, until you hear that a similar fate has befallen liv. unceremoniously DUMPED by the girl she really really liked … loved, even. it must hurt, the lack of closure, the loss of someone to hold and be comforted by. you imagine that liv doesn’t even want to get out of bed some days. she needs a friend. you are happy to provide.

and so here you are in liv’s pink and sparkly room, with so many fascinating posters on the walls and her exciting outfits hanging off her closet door, sequins throwing dizzying reflections of liv’s disco ball light across the bed. you are more than a little tipsy, courtesy of the fizzy pink wine you bought (though in actual fact a very nice older man with an ID purchased it for you, and seemed mildly disappointed when you declined to go home with him to drink it) and you are very close to liv on the bed. her cheeks are as pink as the wine and she’s giggling at something you said. pride swells in your chest at the thought that she finds you funny, that you have managed to cheer her.

‘liv.’ you touch her hand as the giggles subside. you lick your lips, knowing very well that you would not say this if you were not drunk, and finding that you don’t care. ‘do you recall … when i asked you to kiss me? and you turned me down — quite rightfully, given that we were both taken at the time …’ you pause, realising that every ounce of her tipsy attention is focussed on you, and you feel your own cheeks reddening. ‘what i mean to say is that i thought i had someone to share all my future kisses with — and perhaps further than kisses.’ you lower your gaze, too flustered to elaborate the details. ‘but! we are both single now and … perhaps this is our chance … to explore such things.’

[shadysidcrs]

@affectum | dialogue (accepting) | “i need you.”

his hand reaches for yours and you can feel your heart somersaulting inside your chest. can he hear it? does he know you would do absolutely anything he asked of you? you try not to look in his eyes, to hide the adolescent willingness to please him.

because it doesn't matter how right his hand feels in yours, doesn't matter how close his face is or how soft his voice. your heard joey last night. you don't know the details, you'd rather spare your heart that much. but you know whatever mike needs from you must be related to joey, not a sudden desire to whisk you away to a romantic getaway.

still, you laugh nervously and place your hand on his cheek and you finally allow yourself to make eye contact. because you're weak, and there's stars in his eyes. "of course you do, big boy. i know you'd be lost without me."

thankfully, years of charming both the cameras and the stage have trained you for this moment. "what can I do for you? makeover? singing lessons? oh! i know! you finally realized i'm right and you want me to call my agent so you can start your acting career! i told you, hollywood would love a pretty face like yours!"

[shadysidcrs]

you wonder how he can do that so easily. you're still lost in his warmth, but he's turned over and now he's all cold bro indifference. and you hate it. you want to stay close and ask him to stay the night. maybe this time he'll say yes and maybe you can stop hiding the way you want so much more.

he wouldn't, thought. because he is michael. class president, ladies man, charming, wonderful... straight michael.

"uh... yeah. anytime, man." so as much as you're a cuddle after sex kinda man, you cross your arms over your chest instead. "anything for a bro of mine, you know? fucking a guy is a totally straight activity... by the way, not that i'm complaining or anything, but... why don't you ask your girlfriend to do it? isn't that kinda her job?"

@shadysidcrs​

“ phewww. now that was a good time. muchas gracias, mi amigo, much appreciated. ” you slip a hand over matt’s bare stomach, tracing something brief and fond across it before you tug your hand away. obviously you’re not going to linger here against him for long; there’s too many connotations to that, and neither of you are rich enough to afford it. 

 so you roll onto your back, you stretch your arms over your head, you grip his headboard and squeeze it to give your hands something else to do so this doesn’t become another round that you really can’t explain. when a quick glance catches him watching you, you add, “ for realsies, mattycakes, thanks. it takes a real bro to go there for another bro — helping me out like that — you know what i mean ? ”

[shadysidcrs]

you really must be far too gone to be this bold. the question was meant to be half a joke... it's all about plausible deniability, right? okay... not much that's deniable about a question like that, but you're sure there's an answer there. there must be. too many late night suggestive texts, too many looks, too many casual touches.

"that's against the rules, you know?" you're far too drunk to back down, and jim's way too close. you can't think straight. you lean forward, lowering your voice as if anyone else could hear. "c'mon, dude. it's just a question. no homo and all that."

❛ how long have you been thinking about me when you touch yourself? ❜ / matt & jim / @shadysidcrs

okay, you should have known that a two-person game of truth or dare would turn out this way eventually. in fact, that’s probably why you suggested it – that and the bottle of liquid courage the two of you have been sharing all evening. you’ve been teetering on the edge of something for weeks. now it’s about to topple into something more.

‘i, uh.’ you take another swig from the bottle. it’s not often that you get flustered, but if anyone can manage, it’s matt. ‘i changed my mind. i pick dare instead.’