#[ bc like that damages a guy psychologically no matter what

[soulsolid-a]

     head empty thinking about Brook’s first life

[huraiyra]

sorry for vent posting guys you can scroll away really fast now. if youre reading this please be advised I am using a metaphor I am fine lol

but damn I do not feel like a person. I've been this way my whole life and as a teen I thought I had dependent personality disorder bc I just wanted others to make every decision for me and I would ask permission to eat or watch TV or use the bathroom even if I didn't NEED TO and people would be like why are you ASKING. and as I grew up I realised that my fear of making the wrong decision and ruining my life for myself was so stupid. I used to think if someone else ruined my life it would be okay bc at least it's not me. and others know best. but a decade later and I feel like a fucking dog being paraded around to show off its obedience and it gets disciplined when it barks and when it makes a decision against its owner it gets its leash tightened tighter and tighter till it feels like it might die. and I can't escape it. my dependence is self imposed but I can't survive on my own and maybe I learned how to think and eat on my own but I fucking suck BUT I'M WILLING TO TRY but there's no way out. I'm stuck here. what am I without my mom to control me. I'm afraid of leaving I love my home I just want to be taken care of but this leash isn't comfortably snug anymore it's starting to hurt. if I stay here there's no way I can fight them. some day they'll hold me down and have me married and then someone else will hold me down and... more imminent, soon I'll be shoeholed into another career that will damage my body again. my mom says the damage is my fault and if I cant do it I'm a worthless idiot who should die bc life is pain and that's final. but today my doctor said there's no reason to treat me for weak legs that can't stand and a brain that's spasming and making me want to off myself if I can just... quit the job that's making my body do that. how revolutionary. I'm crying freaking out bc all my parents tell me is tht theres no way out and I have to work jobs I hate bc work sucks and thats how life is and why did my doctor have to give me hope? but if I'm a dog what decision does the dog have. I don't know how to want. I don't know how to be interested in things. my depression doesn't let me like anything and bc of this I'm being controlled. maybe if I wanted something I could do it but all I want is comfort. as long as I crave only the comfort of my bed and the softness of my mother's arms holding me I have to deal with the leash. it's not a bad deal but by fuck I should not deal with this any longer. I can't force myself to leave bc I'm unemployed and psychotic and living alone—even my brother knows I'd fall into pieces from lack of money and general insanity. what the fuck do I do. I like being a pampered puppy but I'm a human and I need to accept it. no matter how psychotic I am, no matter how I've never believed I am a human, I am. my autism says I'm scared of other people and only my mom halfway gets me and I just want simplicity and depression says stay in bed and my health says I have no future and my psychosis says stay in a small ball or else everything will hurt you and my family says I need to listen to them and life is only pain and I need to embrace pain and shut the fuck up and do whatever they say or else. but I need to survive. I can't keep doing this. what do I do? dog on a leash... I can't make myself cut through it. can someone else do it please? I want a different owner. but I don't think any owner is going to be as comforting as my parents. their (prev physical and lifelong psychological) abuse is mixed with so much love I still doubt it's abuse even though I know. they've loved me as much as they're capable of and they do truly take care of me. I need to be my own owner but how the fuck. every few days I cry and want to die to end all of this bc the worst part is that after I get away from them all my problems will be worse bc I'M the problem and my parents love is the only thing keeping me in one piece. I'm a dependent pampered dog that can't run away and can't handle a leash. I just keep ruminating and ruminating and I can't do anything. what the fuck do I do?

[table-top-romulan-playing-games]

Got the idea from a friend to fill this out, but ill wait to post on the 31st since im starting this on the 23rd

1. First RPG bought this year: Alice is Missing. I havent gotten to play it yet, mostly bc the subject matter involved make it so i am picky about finding the right group for it, but its got a great concept and set up and being a silent game played through messaging apps, and deals with rather dark subject matter and makes sure that you are aware of how to navigate lines and veils respectfully without compromising the story.

2. Most recently Played: Fellowship, a game about being a bunch of guys trying to defeat an overlord... im playing a hedgehog... we got to do sick tricks at a sport event competition last session.

3. Most played Game: Again, Fellowship, its really the only titterpeg i have going on rn.

4. RPG with Great Art: This is a toss up between Mork Borg and Mouseguard, but for two different reasons. Mork Borg is described as a brutally realistic fantasy game, and its book art is absolutely gorgeous, designed to look like a Zine, uses black/white/yellow as its color scheme, and has beautiful typography while making sure the rules are legible. Mouseguard is beautiful for its gorgeous illustrative work by David Peterson, mixing in these cute watercolor illustrations against what is in fact a brutal backstory.

5. RPG with Great Writing: I assume this means Rules, so the rpg ive seen with the best clear cut rules in the sense that I havent had to ask a dozen clarifying questions for, would have to be Mouseguard.

6. RPG that is Easy to Use: Wanderhome. I finally got to play it at Gen-Con this year, and its just as good as i hoped. It does have playbooks, but there are no dice. Its very much a "Yes, And" type of game where you and your fellow players build the world together by going "what if we went to a lagoon..." "With and underwater graveyard?" "Yes, and perhaps there is cave nearby that has been turned into a shelter for wanderers" "and that cave is where you see the empty cocoons of the last of the monarch butterflies, sort of like a shrine" "and from that shrine is produced a fruit inside of the cocoons that tastes different to each person". It was such a good game and i would love to play it again!

7. RPG with Good Form: idk what this means but Yazeba's Bed and Breakfast had great form in the sense that it utilizes different mechanics, and that you are encouraged to play different characters every chapter bc you can change something about that character and hand it off to the next person who will add onto to the character as well and by the end you will have a character who has been changed by multiple different people.

8. An Accessory you Appreciate: when a Game comes with tchotchkes i am in love ❤️

9. An accesory you'd like to see: i actually dont know off the top of my head, ive got games that came with mini journals, coins, tokens, pebbles, dices, trinkets... i think i would like to see a game that uses that chart grades pre-k through grade 5 would use where you get a sticker for doing something. You hit for the most damage? Sticker. You successfully did a diplomacy? Sticker. You RP'd very good? Sticker.

10. An RPG you would like to see on TV: is it cheating if i say Star Trek Adventures lmaooo... I wanna say I would love to see a Call of Cthulu tv show. But it would have to be either styled like a 1980's thriller, or a 1920's psychological horror film.

11. RPGs with well supported oneshots: Monsterhearts, Mork Borg and its cyberpunk version, Babes in the Woods has a specific section for one-shots, Star Trek Adventures, The Quiet Year... imo most games can be adapted into oneshots.

12. RPGs with well supported campaigns: Star Trek Advetures has specific mechanics that only work in a long term game, such as reputation and spotlights, Monsterhearts as well because of strings. Fellowship and mouseguard i think work best as campaigns.

13. Evocative Environments: Wanderhome - You build the environments together and can come up with some beatiful and meaningful environments. Yazeba's bnb has a good background even if it really only focuses on a bed and breakfast. The Quiet Year - the environment you build together is important bc the environment can cause problems and thats a good thing.

14. Great characters: im just gonna list off my fave characters ive played bc all titterpegs can produce great characters- Tanner from Mouseguard, Echo my Wanderhome Character, Katz from Fellowship, Lyra from Lancer, and Devin from my Call of Cthulhu campaign.

15. Great Character Gear: Gun in a setting where Gun is not common is always funny. Any modern campaign where you can be like "okay so i pull out my smart phone and google it".

16. Easy to Learn: The Quiet Year, Mouseguard, most PBtA games ive played, wanderhome, and Yazeba's.

17. An engaging rpg community: Gen-Con in general has been amazing.

18. A memorable moment of play: i have so many but i still love that time i played a lowerdecks style one shot and i got the character that didnt have a lot to do, but i got the great final shot that involved my Caitian Security officer carrying an unconscious Romulan out of a DS9 holodeck, firemen style, while dragging Quark by his ear to the infirmary. This character also challenged a klingon to a homoerotic wrestling match as a distarction for others to snoop.

19. A Sensational Session: a play by post session i had with my Fellowship GM of the Consequences to Betraying the Overlord that led to my characters eventual redemption.

20. Amazing Adventure: Mouseguard was fantastic!

21. Classic Campaign: the Call of Cthulhu campaign was neat and was probably closer to a classic campaign at the time.

22. Notaable Non-Player Character: Joseph (i think that was his name, its been a few years) from my call of cthulhu campaign where he is the one who gets us all together and my first CoC character hands him a business card that says "Dr. Danny McSkully, Mortician" after helping him with his wife who was in medical need.

23. Peerless player: Ive met a lot of great players at the tables, and I cant narrow it down, especially since some of them ive met once and im terrible at remembering names, but the common denom has to be the ability to "Yes, And" in RP that i aspire to.

24. Aclaimed Advice: Just have Fun and respect the others at the table and the game will be awesome!

25. Desirable Dice: all of them

26. Superb Screen: I dont use screens often because i mostly play online, and the only ones ive used are for DnD which i do like bc they have the shortcuts for things typed out on them.

27. Marvelous Miniature: I also dont play with Miniatures too often, but i did have fun playing bloodbowl with my halflings.

28. Great Gamer Gadget: a Phone, to look up things in between turns bc sometimes i forget things...

29. Awesome App: imma be honest the only one i know off is Roll20, and i dont wanna say Roll20.

30. Person you'd like to play with: Anyone who has appeared on Clear Skies, but especially Sam and Erik, seems fun to play with and we can geek about Star Trek!

31. Game or Gamer you miss: I kinda miss playing Lancer, i only got to play a few sessions, but they were great anyways. I also miss playing Mouseguard a bit... and I want to play a Star Trek Adventures campaign, but i cant seem to find one that i can fit in my schedule or that i actually vibe with...

[ishikawayukis]

I’m still suffering but I’m back✌🏽 Have you seen that meme that says “Cuando vea ____ no diré nada, pero habrán señales” (when I start watching ____ I won’t say anything, but there’ll be signs)?, that will be both of us with OP when we get that third piercing on our left ear LOL

And boy, yes, they have been in that dessert for way too long LMAO like I don’t wanna miss everything so I’m not skipping any parts, but I’m definitely watching at x1.25 speed bc I’ve just realized this arc lasts until 130 and I’m not even on the 20s😭

Iñaki’s and Taz friendship definitely cured some of the sadness in my soul, but same I would to get more sneak peeks behind the work. I have watched some videos about the make-up and wig work, the staging and props, I saw some performance proposals for Zoro’s introduction and I love how despite changing many things, they never gave up on including the middle finger LOL I just find very interesting the process of discerning which ideas make it into the final product, I’m a nerd what can I say😔✌🏽

SANJI AND CHOPPER CARRIED THE CREW IN THIS ARC they were very impressive😌✨ but okay mini rant that you might find funny since you’re clearly far ahead LOL 1) the heck no one d*es HAHAHA LIKE everyone. somehow. miraculously. comes back alive and I’m glad for the good guys, but damn people it feels like only Arlong and people from the backstories d*ed 2) again, glad no one from the crew d*es (for now?😭🤞🏽) but boy does it hurt to see them getting thrashed :c </3

I did enjoy Ace’s appearance respectfully<3 LOL but seeing Zoro smiling and laughing more frequently definitely does something to my brain<3 Also!! Saw you got your wisdom teeth removed: congratulations!!🥳✨ and since Spotify wrapped just happened, what’s your song #12?? Was going to ask based on the episode of OP I’m at but it’s already the 100s so the last two digits will do LOL

LMFAOOO if that ain't me. also wait do you speak spanish or this is like, the meme you know LSDKHGKL it's very important to me as a spanish speaker because i have one stupid ass op video i can't show anyone because it's in spanish and i've been going insane because it made me cackle (but also would have to ask what's your stance on shipping (not like hardcore i will fight others if they don't like what i like but like hehe their dynamic is fun))

honestly i respect you so much for not skipping anything because i just skimmed through over 10 episodes worth of someone's backstory (they've been dead for a long time so i'm like 🧍‍♀️ we didn't learn anything new with this but the lore is great i guess)

had no idea about that LMAO honestly it fits zoro so much that no matter what he was going to be flipping someone, actually that's something that i love about the live action like yeah let him and sanji curse we know these two idiots are the worst when it comes to cursing LMAO part of me is hoping that we'll get like a documentary kinda thing with the behind the scenes or maybe more behind content for the second season

NO BUT THAT'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT AS WELL, like yay for the main crew not dying i won't have psychological damage because of it, but what do you MEAN not a single bad guy dies either some of them should've had their heads chop off give me a break

pre time skip zoro was so goofy and beloved truly a gift, god i can't wait for you to get to a certain part and lose your mind about him tho LMAO and i diiiiid! finally have all of them out, this last one is not bothering me as much so i'll take that as a win as well and i'm just happy to be done with the whole thing LMAO and my #12 song is tití me preguntó by bad bunny which honestly, a bit shocked by because i didn't think i listened to it that much. what's your 81 song i gotta know 👁👁

[freezeriafan]

Joy has the affliction of being the older sister so when dealing with Roy she has the compulsion to try to help him and take responsibility for his feelings. And like as a person with a brain she knows that Roy isnt all that bad. Like she knows that hes just some guy and hes nice enough and he has a thinking brain with opinions just like her and he does his best and it is what it is. Hes even pretty witty sometimes and he can be fun to hang out with. And in her heart she knows that no matter what she loves him dearly.

But also she just cant shake the feeling that dealing with him is so pathetic and uncomfortable like bathing in grease and after being anything nicer than simply civil to him she feels the need to go out back and light a cigarette . It's not her fault it probably has to do w the psychology of having to be responsible for him growing up and just not ever being ready to be that all-accepting judgeless force that she compulsively is and she just feels ill about the whole thing . But it's certainly not his fault either. Hes taken the greater hit really bc hes picked up throughout his whole life that others are sickened by him and he takes that damaged self-image with him everywhere he goes. Send post

[bellafarella]

It’s just if I were Mickey,I wouldn’t forgive Ian after 5x12,bc he didn’t stop Sammy shooting Mickey with a gun,not mention 6x1 and 7x11.That’s why I always want Ian to show love and affection and takes care of him.I want Mickey’s decision worth it.aparently the show won’t give us that bc that’s how real life goes.I hope this is good enough for that anon’s psychology study.Personally I don’t see I have low self-esteem issue myself🤷🏼‍♀️

we do not accept any ian hate in this house!!!!!!! so watch yourself before you disrespect my angel bb ian (not saying you are but like going off about mickey needing to apologize makes me defensive for ian because too many people like to hate/shit on ian for the hell of it)

but what we need to remember here folks is that these are fictional characters. mickey does not need to receive shit from ian because they are not real people. if the writers wanted to show us apologies they would have. harping on the matter that “ian never apologized to mickey” is so ridiculous imo like they are not real lmaooo 

ALSO are yall forgetting that ian was literally depressed???? why would he apologize to mickey? they broke up.... he was depressed, he was going through so much with his diagnosis, being arrested, seeing monica again, like give the guy a break for once, he wasn’t doing well. mickey clearly got over it because ian is that important to him so they worked through their issues. 

and just because we didnt see it doesnt mean you cant believe ian did apologize..... its called headcanons for a reason lol yall just actively choose to hate/shit on ian instead of just believing ian did apologize if thats what you’re still so pressed about after like 7 years lol 

but yes uh hi self-esteem is non existent for me LOL ive been emotionally abused so much by exes that it made me feel like im damaged goods like i have zero self-esteem most of the time. its hard to rebuild after being torn down constantly so trust me, i feel you on that front!

anyway long response so i apologize lmao but i just hear this whole thing about “ian never apologized to mickey” narrative constantly and it needs to be put to rest (or maybe shot in the head out back) because its exhausting lmao just headcanon that it happened. you’ll be happier. 

[ziracona]

What happens in Far Cry 5? I literally only know about it through your posts

Uhhh, okay so this is gonna be a little long but here goes. So, Far Cry games are always you (some PC, changes per game) vs some dictator/cult leader/mass gang leader type sitch. Apparently 4 also ends with an unhappy ending no matter what, but no other game ends remotely like 5 does, and 5 also is the only one to take place in the US or vs Americans.

So, Far Cry 5 takes place in Montana. Basically, there’s a doomstay offshoot-‘Christian’ extremist cult calling themselves Project at Eden’s Gate, following a white dude named Joseph Seed and his siblings (biological brothers Jacob and John, and adopted [kind of – more like recruited to fill a cult role] sister Faith). You play as a rookie deputy from rural Montana, going on this assignment with Deputies Pratt and Hudson, Sherriff Whitehorse, and US Marshal Burke. You begin the game headed to the cult’s center to arrest their leader, Joseph, because a guy in the cult livestreamed a little of a service secretly to try and expose them, was caught, and had his eyes ripped out by Joseph and then was killed on the stream, so you’re there to arrest him. Mostly law enforcement are afraid to go in because it’s several thousand radical insane Americans with SMGS in a cult in the middle of fuckall nowhere Montana, so yeah. Anyway. You show up and arrest Joseph, but a bunch of his followers (PEGies for project at eden’s gate) swarm the helicopter and you crash and the correspondent at the sheriff’s office is working with the cult, so all of you get grabbed initially, except the PC, who gets grabbed not by the cult but by a stranger. You wake up tied to a bedpost and confronted by the stranger who debates a second then decides to let you go and try to fight the cult instead of turning you in, and introduces himself as Dutch. He gives you a breakdown of what stuff is like here, which is, uhhhh, bad. Basically, the people here are trapped because they’ll get kidnapped trying to leave, but the cult comes for everyone eventually. John physically abuses/tortures people into accepting the whole cult “power of Yes” thing and confessing their ‘sins,’ which he then tattoos on their body, then cuts the slab of skin off their chest to staple to his wall, which is part of their initiation into the cult, as is the torture, forced baptism, and implied sexual assault by him as well. Joseph has given your coworkers to a sibling each, respectively, sans the Sheriff, who was sent to one but escaped like you did. John has Hudson, the only female deputy (unless the PC is playing as woman as well). Faith has the Marshall and was supposed to get the Sheriff, and Jacob has Pratt. You want to save your friends and Dutch wants to help, but also asks you to help the people in the community, so you do.

Basically, the cult has many ways of converting people, but also kill a fuck ton of civilians. There’s a lot of times you’ll be driving down a road and see a civilian tied up with their hands behind their back on their knees and two cultists about to execute them (usually someone who tried to flee whose car they ran off the road), and you have a very failable but potential chance to save them. A lot of these people can become your NPC companions as well and help you fight the cult if you do. I’ve gotten very good at sniping, because if a cultist sees you coming, they’ll execute any prisoners so you have no chance to save them. Definitely saved hundreds of people at this point, but it wasn’t easy. Anyway. Also you’ll see vans of prisoners being carted off (usually one or two from a house at a time), and you can shoot the driver and save them if you’re careful. But a lot of the time you show up to try to help people to find them already murdered, or hung up like a scarecrow in a field with flowers stuffed into their emptied stomach, being used for target practice. On an alter, or hung from a ceiling with deer horns tied to them. Staked through on the side of the road with a cult cross. Starved or shot to death in cages. It’s pretty grim.

Anyway, so you go around answering calls for help, doing your best to slowly track down your friends, but also help all the poor suffering people being murdered and abused by this awful cult. There are random NPCs who can be companions, plus specialists, who are more quest-designed-to-be-met characters. These include Jess, Dutch’s niece, who you find in a cage to be shipped to Jacob for psychological torture and brainwashing (I’ll get to him), a puma I loved named Peaches, a pilot named Nick who is just trying to get his family out of town and resist the cult’s attempts to steal his property or buy it out (they stole or bought land and stuff from /everyone/ and took advantage of/ransacked the whole community), but will stay to help you, and a puppy named Boomer whose family called for help that came to late and were shot to death in front of him. You find him in a cage being kicked at by cultists and save him, and watch him go cry over his dead family, then take in as your own.  

Stuff goes better, though, and you make progress. There’s a lot of strongholds you can help protect, like a little town where the resident preacher and the bar owner lady are trying to keep the whole place from being overrun by the cult, and a jail up east where the sheriff and a bunch of survivors/rebels are holed up trying to survive Faith. Basically the area is broken up into three districts, and whichever you complete missions in, you get closer to a fight with that Seed sibling (also you get kidnapped and have to listen to them monologue so much. Kill me).

So John will kidnap you and force baptize you, tie you to a chair and tell you how he’s going to torture (and implied assault) you until you scream out your sins, then you escape but he does all that to Hudson, who you can’t save for another chunk of time, and he punishes brutally and is super fucked up by the time you finally rescue her. She tells you that Joseph (the leader—thinks he is God’s chosen prophet and calls himself “the Father”) would come and watch her and the others be tortured and they’d beg for mercy and he’d just stand there and watch. She’s super messed up but alive, and you’re able to get her out and kill John, but not before he kidnaps you and the preacher, bar lady, and Nick the family man, then forces Nick to confess his sins (under threat of awful shit happening to his wife and infant daughter if he does not), and then be held down and have his chest flesh cut off by John and stapled to a wall. You get forcibly tattooed with a sin but escape before suffering the same bc the preacher keeps a gun in his bible. Anyway. Digressing. You eventually kill John and rescue Hudson.

Over in Jacob’s territory, people are inducted into the cult by being kidnapped, psychologically and physically tortured, and straight up mind-controlled to go into fits of rage at a specific song being played. They are pitted against each other in some eugenicist “only the strong survive, sacrifice the weak” bullshit. There’s a militia called the Whitetails there, fighting back. Before you meet them, though, you’re kidnapped by Jacob and strapped to a chair, then subjected to psychological torture to try to condition you to kill the weak. You wake up days later, barely alive, left for dead having seemed to resist/fail his trials, still strapped to a chair. Among a ton of other dead bodies. Some of the Whitetails show up, looking for survivors, expecting none, and find you. Though everyone else protests it is too big a risk and you might be brainwashed, one guy, Eli, orders the others to take you anyway and says he won’t leave you to die. You pass out and wake up again on a couch in a bunker, and a lady screams about you being a risk and needing to go, but Eli defends you again, then gives you something to drink and takes care of you/nurses you back to health and defends you from the more paranoid members. When you’re up again, he introduces you to the militia fighting Jacob’s people, and asks for your help rescuing some people in the same situation you were in. You then start to work with the Whitetails.

Periodically, your PC gets kidnapped by Jacob again and tortured each time/brainwashed. You escape with help from the militia and from Pratt, later, who was kidnapped and broken by Jacob, but isn’t gone, just terrified and fucked up. Deputy Pratt risks his life to rescue you when you’re in trouble and you try to escape together, but the brainwash song plays and he shoves you onto a convoy so you can escape, but doesn’t make it himself before snapping into a rage, and is recaptured, brutally punished and tortured by Jacob, and then left tied to a chair to starve to death in a cell for what he did. The player is captured again, and railroaded into, in one of the brainwashed fits of rage, killing Eli himself. : (  They then snap out of it, and infuriated and anguished, go to kill Jacob and save Pratt. Pratt is still alive, but super psychologically scarred. You kill Jacob.

I should note here that you can do the sibs in any order—for example, I did Faith’s first—but I am listing them in their kind of ‘suggested’ order. John, Jacob, Faith.

So, Faith. The way she gets people is drugs. She uses a compound she calls “Bliss” to drug people out of their minds. After you are drugged up enough, you suffer irreparable brain damage and cannot be cured. She does this to hundreds of people so that the cult can have “happy little slaves” to do all the hard work and meat-shield shit they need without ever fighting back or questioning it. You are kidnapped by her as well, multiple times. Or something??? With Faith you always hallucinate, so it’s really unclear and kinda bullshit. Anyway. You help the Sheriff and everyone holed up in the jail fight off a wave of cultists, keep doing your rescue poor civilians from awful deaths or lives as drugged up vegetable slaves. Faith keeps trying to win you over and get you to do her awful pilgrimage where people climb up a giant statue of Joseph and trust-fall jump off his bible to their deaths. This whole game and cult is really horrific. Eventually, you find the Marshal and save him, but he is really far gone. He’s hospitalized in the jail for a while after. Faith gets pissed at you after that and quits trying to win you over. Just drugs you and shows you how she’s mind controlling the Marshal, who is still under too much of her brain damage and control, into murdering one of his friends, then opening the gates to the jail so her people can get in, and then shooting himself in the head. The Marshal always does so and dies, as does one of his/your friends. And a ton of people at the jail. You run to try to save the Sheriff after helping the survivors at the jail, and fight Faith, who whines about how none of this is her fault the whole time after making the Marshal murder your friend and himself with her own hands while giggling at you about how it’s all your fault five minutes ago, and tries to get you not to kill her. You do, though, and she monologues about Joseph being the real deal, then dies. You find the sheriff almost drugged to the point of no return in a cell, going to hang himself to death while singing Amazing Grace while you can’t do shit to get into the room to stop him, but awake and himself enough inside to plead with you to shut off the gas pumps for the drugs before he hangs himself, before going back to smiling and singing and pulling up a chair under a noose. You run to shut off the gas, save him, blow up the bunker, and get out.

Joseph then kidnapps all your ally characters and drugs them with Bliss into being on his side and rants at you about how all their torture and death is your fault and you are awful for murdering his siblings, then offers to let people go if you walk away. You can do so, in which case your allies get in a car with you, only for the son that triggers rage and homicide in Pratt and the PC to play, implying before the cut to black that the deputy (and Pratt maybe) kill all your friends/each other.

If you resist Joseph, he shrieks at you about not all problems being solved by a bullet, and you have a boss fight where you save your friends/snap them out of it, then defeat Joseph.

Once he’s in cuffs, a nuclear bomb goes off because apparently in this world North Korea bombs the US just then or some shit, and you try to make it to Dutch’s bunker in time. You’re in a car crash and all the other deputies and the sheriff are instantly killed. You are unconscious and dragged away by Joseph. You wake in the bunker tied to a bed with Dutch’s body on the floor, and Joseph tells you he was a prophet and was right about the collapse and you’re his family now because his old one is dead and the game ends.

 That’s it.

And in the DLC for it, that makes not only that the canon end, but that the Deputy joins Joseph and is converted to a cult follower by him, and Joseph is now an ally character leading the remnants of his cult.

 Needless to say, I am pissed. This is the /only/ Far Cry game where the villain wins regardless, as well as the only one where they suddenly decide to …??? stan??? the torturing abusive brainwashing serial killer? And of course it’s the one in America where the enemy is a hyper-religious Christian-offshoot cultist brainwashing vile serial torture murdering messiah-complex gaslighting abusive white man who thinks he’s God. I am beyond disgusted by that choice in this game and glad I found out before finishing it; wish I had never played any at all. I cannot adequately describe to you how horrific the cult shit is, and how like, gaslit by the company I feel for having played this game and being thrown that. I think this is legitimately the most upset I’ve ever been about a video game’s writing choice. What the actual fuck. Like, I cannot describe to you enough how fucked up this is you’d have to see the shit they do that’s getting pushed in a face-heel turn by the company as somehow justified and sympathetic like. As someone who has firsthand both experienced and seen trauma from an over-religious area of the US, and just a tiny % over-religious-lead-terrible-actions? I cannot emphasize enough how disgusted and enraged I am.

[littlebabycrybtch]

internet pleading session number 2 billion;;; for the love of god stop allowing ableism. stop leaving disability and mental illness allyship out of your activism. im dealing with this shit EVERY SINGLE day and so much of it is just inexcusable laziness and selfishness on the part of ignorant self proclaimed activists like. holy shit it is getting so. Unbearably fucking bad. i dont understand how ppl in modern day are letting it get this bad. its never been Good obviously but its like,,, we were being included in activism topics for a while and gaining a lot of traction with everybody else when all of a sudden smth happened (cringe culture) ((aka the normalization of validating whiny unnecessary judgments)) and we got totally left behind and ppl even turned on us. wtf like?? whats wrong with us when was there a meeting where yall unanimously decided we’re being kicked out of the ‘caring abt this groups Oppression’ board like. a lot of yall CONTRIBUTE TO IT? what right do you feel you have to act this way to us?????? holy shit stop abandoning us please im begging this shit is too hard to deal with like stop idk what on gods green fucking earth we are actually doing to you to make yall turn on us like htis and leave us and our oppression at Your Hands completely out of your mind but im tired of the utter disrespect and disregard for what i deal with. i fucking hate it here like jkshdfjksdf yall its hell enough to just Be autistic and/or psychotic .... its almost unfathomably cruel to just. be SO hateful abt that and not give a shit. idc if its weird or makes you uncomfortable bitch ur grown get over it!! im the one dealing with it firsthand!!!! ive had too many crying meltdowns asking why i was ‘made like this’, wondering what kind of punishment im going through to be put somewhere i literally am not meant to be, where every part of how i work is different than most other people, where im told to exist where nothing exists for me and no one will care, just to have everybody talking about ‘progress’ while they let ableism run literally RAMPANT with people saying the r word and making memes out of our severe psychological distress and trauma. 

idc what anybody says about that stupid ass faux offense ‘you cant compare oppressions’ topic anymore bc tbh i NEED YOU , im begging bc i NEED YOU TO HELP ME AND SUPPORT ME for gods sake, and i dont really KNOW how to DO that anymore so like. yes im ‘comparing’ ableism to other shit yall care about, and asking outright why you Presume you get to think we’re different. why our history of forced lifelong imprisonment in asylums, our eugenics and experimentation, our still modern day medical abuse, parental abuse, and social abuse, is Different and Does Not Have To Matter Just Bc You Dont Want It To. if you can call people out for saying other slurs you can call out the r slur! you literally are showing you have the capabilities to do this, but just dont care abt us specifically!! that's FUCKED and you should know it!! if you openly fight back against disrespect towards the minorities you respect, but laugh at or even are part of the people mocking the cringe nd people, you are a self serving piece of shit!! we deserve respect. we deserve basic human respect no matter what, and we deserve more considering how much blood yall allistics and non psychotics have on your hands. i mean for gods sake how is that ignored, how does our shit mean absolutely Nothing to you!!! its one thing to have to deal with it, to be blatantly shown OVER and OVER again how LITTLE people can care, how they cant even BRING themselves to TOLERATE caring... thats whats so damaging. thats the real shit that makes me wish i wasnt me or wasnt here, bc god... i KNOW i cant even SAY smth like that, like ‘i wanna die’ without someone out there reading fighting back a giggle. without expecting an insult. cuz im an embarassing fucking r*tard whos display of feelings is just fucking weird and uncomfortable for people. im a stupid weird ass different ass bitch and no one feels they should have to care abt anything im going through bc im not easy to vibe with. and especially when my pleas for respect are like This, long and ranty and ~irrational~. bro. i try. how. the fuck am i supposed to Stay rational. im being Tormented day in and day out, and left to my own devices by ppl i thought would stay by my side. i feel like im losing my mind dealing with this alone......... so my question is, to all the ppl who call themselves a decent person. where are you hiding from this topic. where on earth ARE you guys lmao fuck

[she-keeps-her-word]

finished she-ra here is what i think

i want y'all to know that i binge watched the 1-4 seasons in a couple of days but it was really hard for me to finish season 5 because... yes it was so... rushed

first of all the glimmer and adora reunion was so underwhelming, season 4 was all about glimmer's grief and glimmadora relationship having a new dynamic and obstacles but their reunion and reconciliation was so ? they barely talked after they rescued glimmer and almost didn't have screentime together in the entire season

but suddenly bow was super mad at glimmer (when in season 4 he didn't seem to). It was like the writers tried to focus both glimmer and adora in other people and not each other (the friendships in general were SO left out when the show was about that in the first place).

glimmer and bow are cute but the romance seems out of nowhere, they didn't hint about romantic feelings before this season AT ALL.

i actually liked glimmer and catra bonding (5x03 was good THE DINNER SCENE) but the way glimmer never confronted catra about how it was catra's fault angella died is so ?? i know the rebellion are the good people and merciful but GLIMMER WANTED to end everyone who tried to harm her people and then she didn't tried to punish (or even ask for an apology) the person who was guilty for her mother's death???

this thing about the characters changing and forgetting their development is something that is in the three main girls, added to the rushed plots and romances, this season was so... disappointing

catradora: i knew it was going to happen bc i saw everyone talking about it so it didn't surprise me but since season 1 i have been like "i hope catra redemption arc is good" and then season 3 and 4 happened and i was like "she can't be redeemed, no matter what the writers do it wouldn't be enough for me". And then the "redemption" arc was rushed and empty.

yes, i know catra has trauma but that don't excuse her behavior. she always had some weird obsession with adora and i know the writers tried to build the ship from the start (i guess? unless it was fanservise and they came up with this in the last season), they tried to portray something (unconditional love?) but for me they didn't do it well.

i never liked how catra acted out of that so called love, she was inherently a bad person and was cruel with adora the entire show bc "adora always win", because adora had new friends, a healthier life and survived without her. and adora tried to bring catra to the rebellion she just didn't want to go bc SHE DIDN'T WANT TO SHARE ADORA, the whole thing about how adora never stayed IS BULLSHIT. She tried to destroy the universe out of her spite.

it feels a lot like "if i can't have you no one can" (in my own terms of course, in the horde and without other friends because you are only mine) so why a lot of people excuse this behavior in this wlw couple but then see how bad it is in straight ships.

bow, glimmer and catra interactions were entertaining but they just felt so rushed having in mind their background. again i know the rebellion are the good people that forgive but make it make sense. catra was also responsible of the dead of all the people in mermista's kingdom and they didn't even interacted.

what kind of redemption is if the character isn't even confronted for their mistakes?

the only thing that made catra rethink a little bit (in season 4) about how was she behaving was scorpia telling her she was a bad friend and that friendship was so left out AND FOR WHAT the romance wasn't the reason that made the characters mature. scorpia deserved better she deserved AN APOLOGY.

about adora, she got to know what healthy friendships were, in season 3 she told catra that she made her choice and should live with the consequences of her actions and adora was decided to let her go for good (and in season 4 she pretty much did, until scorpia showed up in the castle, she was like who is catra?) but all that was forgotten from one scene to another and adora came back to the unhealthy relationship where catra push and push her away and adora have to reach for her over and over again even when she is mistreated.

I don't know, again, for me catra redemption was something impossible but at least they could do it better and with more time so this change of mind in the characters would have made sense. I want to believe the writers tried to portray something but didn't do it well.

the good thing is that having in mind catra is suddenly good and mentally stable their future didn't look that bad and they could have a healthy relationship.

and it's really nice that a kids show gave all the lgbt rep so easily without making it a big deal (i love netossa and spinnerella!!!!).

i really liked hordak and entrapta (yes, i know he was part of the ditactorship but he always protected her), they had one of the best build in the show, she brings the best of him and he never expects things from her. But we didn't see he being redeemed since the show ended when he got his conscience. Would he have been a good guy after that? I don't know. He never showed remorse of what he did and he took the decisions of the ditactorship for a long while. I personally like his relationship with entrapta but i dont think he should be forgiven. He made decisions that killed innocent people in the same way than catra, romance or one good relationship with one person don't absolve you of that.

A lot of people are mad bc of shadow weaver arc and i get it but i think she was never treated as someone good or part of the team. they didn't even trust her and never forgave her (as they should), they tried to work with her for the better good that's all. And she was prisoner for a while.

And that's the thing, the audience never forgave the children abuser (me neither) but don't see their double moral with how pleased they are with catra character lol

catra was never a prisoner of the rebellion, didn't have to apologise for the deaths and the psychological damage she caused. Isn't realistic how the rebellion trusted her after ONE good action and how all her emotional instability was erased in the last two eps.

okay i love the show in general but i feel like in the last season it lost its message a little bit. friendships (as bow said in s4) require work from both sides to be healthy.

and sometimes villains don't have to be redeemed not matter how much your fans ask for it.

AND GLIMMADORA DESERVED BETTER

[kisstheashes]

👀👀👀 Got anything you can tell us about SP?

OH BOY! Alright. Since you didn’t ask for any particular chapter, you’re getting a SHITTON of info. *cracks knuckles* Let’s get started.

This ended up being long af so there needed to be a cut!

1) When I first had the idea for SP, I was heavily inspired not only by SAW in general but SAW II in particular. SAW II takes place in an abandoned house (SP takes place in an abandoned warehouse for the first 8 chapters), and every person had an individual trap made specifically for them (the first 8 chapters are split up by person, and Anti has unique methods for all of them).

2) SP was the first story I’ve planned out for years. And still YET, it’s not what it was supposed to be. The original ending for SP was basically…nearly everyone dies.

2.5) What almost became the real ending (not the original ending, a different idea) was something like this: Anti kills Chase and has Schneep, but that’s where the similarities end. (suicide TW ahead) Anti was supposed to take Marvin and make him a puppet. And Jackie, traumatized and desperate to find his brothers, leaves a barely functional JJ alone and without help. So JJ ends up killing himself with Chase’s old gun while Jackie is looking for Anti’s hideout. Jackie comes back and sees a dead JJ and loses it. He can’t cope. It was supposed to end with Jackie standing by JJ’s grave, feeling like an utter failure, and Anti approaches him, tells him that since there’s nothing left for him here, what’s he to lose by becoming a puppet? And Jackie goes with him. I can’t tell whether that’s more or less tragic than the real ending.

3) When I FIRST sat down to start writing the very first lines, I had no idea who my main character would be. It’s such a little moment, but I remember it so so clearly. I was sitting on the edge of my bed, just waiting to see who would wake up first (a la SAW style) and I actually recoiled when it was Marvin. I never paid him any attention before SP. And I just went “Ma…Marvin?? Are you sure brain?? MARVIN??” Yes, my brain was sure XD

4) First chapter. Everything happened as planned, which if you are a writer or know us, you know this is very rare. Everyone woke up, the narration was smooth, the characters were introduced so nicely, and their relationships with Anti were automatically all so different from each other. It went beautifully.

5) Chapter 2: Static Corruption. This chapter gave me issues. I originally wanted Anti to force Schneep to “operate” on one of his brothers, but the pieces weren’t moving in that direction. Then I was like ‘oh, I’ll still keep the operation table there because he’ll likely need it since Anti won’t want his puppets to die.’ That…was supposed to happen but didn’t. The operation table ended up being there simply to mock Schneep. I would 100% go back and redo how I did that so that would come across clearer, since I know it’s purpose was left very vague. 

5.5) I am so SO proud of Schneep’s corruption. To be honest, I had no fucking idea what I was doing. I was still learning about Anti and his powers, how he does things, and honestly I should go back and reread it because it came together so well. And Schneep was the first to go because he had already been corrupted, and weakened. He was an easy target, and Anti KNEW he needed Schneep because he can’t easily heal wounds. Anti’s smart like that.

6) Chapter 3 & 4: Burn Marks. Anti had to take out Marvin early. He knew this like he knew he needed Schneep. Marvin was not only powerful but he was hard to break. He was controlled. He wasn’t easily moved to rash decisions and as long as his breathing was steady, he was in control. Hence the collar in ch 3. Anti also knew that Marvin could not use as much magic if he didn’t have his wand, hence taking it from him in the beginning of the chapter. And he knew Marvin was scared of fire. 

6.5) Character analysis aside though, this chapter was my first true dive into torture. I’d never written torture before this chapter. Never. I surprised myself, honestly. When I wrote Anti sticking the raw blowtorch into the cauterized cut, I was floored. I kinda didn’t know it was happening until it did. XD And Anti forcing Marvin to eat his own flesh was…somehow logical to me? I was like ‘maybe since Anti eats flesh he thinks Marv will like it too.’ Which was wrong. He just wanted to torture my son. But these two chapters are everything to me, being my first delve into torture. Really, these chapters, and especially chapter four, started it all. I was really excited to write more gore. 

7) Ch 5: Consequences. Everyone hates this chapter. When I get new readers now, about half of them who ‘like’ every single chapter will skip ‘liking’ this chapter. Because I was ballsy and killed Chase. In front of his daughter. Not only did I kill Chase, I dismembered him and had Anti eat his organs. That’s ballsy as fuck, but at the time I had no idea it was so ballsy. What I did think might be too much and what I do regret is not killing Jasmine instantly and only making that an illusion. I’ve said this before. I still hate myself for it. I should have just outright killed her. I wrote it to showcase how awful Anti is. I took it out because I ws scared. I regretted it the moment I uploaded it, and that’s when I told myself I’d never censor my writing again. So I don’t. While that’s an awful moment in the series, I did learn a very valuable lesson that I will pass onto every writer I know. When it comes to awful deeds, don’t censor yourself.

8) Ch 6: Questionably Human. First of all, this chapter wasn’t supposed to exist, point blank, period. When I originally wrote SP, this chapter wasn’t there. I added it in because as I edited through and understood Marvin more, I knew Anti would understand he couldn’t leave Marvin alone through dealing with all of the other Septics. He’s too resilient. So I added this chapter in. And it was also my first true delve into psychological toture/manipulation with Anti. Which is very interesting with my Anti, because he can’t lie. Working an entire chapter around half truths and whole truths was tricky. It was a challenge. But y’know, I think it probably helped me be able to do other tricky dialogue, like with Maze. 

8.5) Because writing Schneep as a puppet deserves it’s own bullet. I had NO idea how I was going to do this. Because of how my Anti’s puppets work, I didn’t have a clue how to do this. Anti’s puppets keep their base personality so he can have them out in the world, undercover ect without anyone seeing anything weird. But they also don’t have thoughts of their own, or really wants of their own, besides very basic needs. This is a tricky combination when it comes to the stubborn, mood-swingy, irritable, mind of his own doctor. And honestly, I don’t know how I pulled it off. I can’t remember how I did this so well. It’s just a blank XD

9) Ch 7: Broken Toys. This is my personal favorite chapter. JJ’s chapter was unqiue in so many ways, because he had a legitimate past with Anti. Anti pretended to be his friend, then tortured him for days on end. So we have long flashbacks that portray this, and I was really nervous they weren’t blended well. They have a dialogue where JJ speaks only in his head, which is very unique. And in this chapter, I faced one of my squicks. I hate eye gore. Yet I braved it and took JJ’s eye out with a melonballer, then Anti ate it. That was fuckin gross, tbh. XD The ending of his chapter though. It changed 3 times. The original ending did make use of the operation table, but I hated it bc I didn’t know how to write puppet Schneep and scrapped it. I think the second ending was JJ bleeding out on the floor. The third ending is the meathook ending. Absolutely horrific ending, when you take into account 1) its fucking meathooks and 2) they had to be ripped out of healed muscle and skin. I went balls to the walls for this chapter as well, and it fucking payed off. 

10) Ch 8: Glitched Death. This is the start of the chapters that are like ‘I’m writing it but idk where it’s going.’ I had no idea any of it was going to happen, but damn I’m glad all of it did. And again with the ballsy moves, disabling Jackie was ballsy as fuck. It shocked a lot of people like nothing had before. Though my most proud moment of this chapter was the fight scene. The last time I’d written a fight scene was when I was ten. I didn’t do any research or nothing. I just DID. And I remember a comment was “I didn’t know you could write fight scenes!” I didn’t either. But I remember being really happy to write Marvin as such a badass :D To show that he was ready to kill Anti no matter the cost. The worst part of the chapter was writing Jackie pulling the meathooks out. I hated that. I hated it so much. Listen, I know JJ deserved better. And how many of you caught that Anti was very weak as this chapter ended? ;)

11) Ch. 9: Irrepareable Damage. This chapter was hard to write. I hadn’t jumped time like this for a long time. The first 8 chapters all take place in one night. Ch 9 took place over a month and a half, showcasing the immediate aftermath of what happened. Chase and his daughter were dead. Jackie was wheelchair bound. JJ had limited sight and mobility. Marvin’s panic disorder grew worse, and they all had night terrors. It was endlessly emotional. And then…you get to the end. And it hits you in the fucking gut. Anti carves his name into Marvin’s skin, while essentially having him drugged. And Marvin comes to, and sees the wound, and cries. He’s reaping what he sowed and he hates every minute of it.

12) Ch 10: Torn Stitches. I still don’t care for this chapter. It feels too dull. But you guys seemed to like it, so I guess that means its good, right? This chapter was special to me though, because I’d never touched on Marvin’s backstory much. And it was important to me that you all knew it, for some reason. Plus his old friends just fit into the narrative, so I indulged myself. And that’s the other thing. First chapters with OCs. I don’t care for Silas that much, but I really like Whitney. She’s fun. This chapter was necessary as well, so you could see all of the aftermath slowed down. See how damaged they are, and see the aftermath of the carving. Which I again smack ya’ll in the face with the end. 

13) As closing, this story is my baby. And i’ve got a lot more angst coming for it, even if only 2 chapters are left (supposedly). 42.5k words, 11 chapters, and we ain’t done yet. I’ve got huge plans for the next chapter, so watch out for it. ;)

Author Commentary?

[werezmastarbucks]

The Good One

in which you are the only one who makes Bucky fall asleep for some reason.

warnings: Buck’s depressed but it okei

word count: 1366

Bucky Barnes x reader

adding my taglist for Flame for one here bc you guys are the only thing I got

taglist: @moistpotatobear   @heytherepartner   @sebbytrash @thewinterher0   @lbouvet   @areuforreal   @allofthesearetakendafuq @thesalsafic  @rhaeneris 

It was getting pretty obvious that Bucky wasn’t okay. Not like he was ever completely fine, but these days he was having it especially hard, and, though pretty understandable, it was unbearable nonetheless. He started to go off on others, yelled at Sam over one of his stunts, and became very  short-tempered with Steve. And if Sam always had it coming, him being the biggest irritator for Barnes ever, Steve definitely didn’t deserve it. Bucky was trying to be good, the good guy, the good one. But he simply couldn’t sleep.

First week he was holding up alright; like Rogers, he did not really need eight hours’ rest every night thanks to all advances his body and brain overcame through the years. He was now more of a flesh cyborg, almost invincible, everlasting and collected. Cyborg my ass.

On the second week he became hectic and exhausted, his face went greyish, and he was losing it pretty quickly. Insomnia wasn’t anything new for him; sometimes he preferred it to nightmares that waited for him should he dream a little. But complete lack of rest, the ache in the muscles, and sleepless brooding, the migraine, the uneasiness, the dizziness that came with it would turn anybody into a monster. The drained mind was about to eat itself, turning the remaining energy into the dark matter. Bucky didn’t tell anyone that he couldn’t fall asleep, smiling darkyishly to himself at the thought of close death. No one can live and not sleep. He was still partially a human – more than he used to think, even. After several nights of agony by the end of the second week, after he dozed a little only to be woken by sudden electric zip his own brain charged into him, he felt like the humanest human alive. And he didn’t really want to die, but… like, he didn’t have a choice.

He tried to take pills, and he stopped drinking coffee, and by the night time he would disappear to his room, leaving everyone silently concerned; he would walk a lot alone to get as much fresh air as he could. Nothing helped. He was thinking about trying to knock himself unconscious, and then couldn’t stop laughing. Steve found him gagging from the laughter, and his brave face went so white you could draw on it. Everyone knew what’s happening to him; Y/N looked sad. Nat was frowning sometimes, when he didn’t look. Benner looked lost; this guy grew wary of his mood swings, and Bucky would honestly feel guilty about it if he weren’t so numb. Stark did something no one expected: he reached to him and tried to help. He called Barnes a broken robot and gave his head a powerful charge. Bucky fell asleep right in the lab. It smelt like plastic and water there for some reason. He never felt better in his life. For twenty minutes. After that his body shook violently again, like it usually does when you dream about tripping on stairs or falling over. Bucky Barnes didn’t want Bucky Barnes to sleep, or to survive. Tony gave him a bottle of that disgusting green smoothie that smelt like dill and lime. Bucky thanked him with all he had and poured it down the sink. He was almost done.

 You were watching news really quietly. You wanted to see what’s happening, but didn’t really want to know. The living room was a great space, and you never really felt completely comfortable there, but the TV set here was the best. The bent-inside screen itself was fascinating. Had it not been for the other people at the compound, walking around, looking, seeing things, you’d spend a lot of time just staring at yourself in this blackness. Modern art for one person. If you can appreciate that kind of thing.

Barnes landed on the couch near you barely acknowledging your existence. God wasn’t he massive. He stretched his legs and pouted at nothing, his eyes moving lazily while he was looking at the TV. He had those black bags under the eyes, and his face was now peaked. He hasn’t shaved in four days. He looked miserable. You realized you didn’t take the problem too seriously up until now – the idea of something so simple as insomnia, so random and physical, so typical for people like all you, ruining his life, was absurd. Like, it’s Bucky. His life is shambles by default. Why does it keep happening to him. It was psychological, you were sure, but your understanding didn’t help a bit. Bucky couldn’t sleep, and he was growing grey, moody, and powerless. You heard him hiss at Wilson the day before, and Sam’s voice sounded the way you hated to hear. Serious and defensive.

“How much time can you go on like this?” you asked.

“It’s not like I’m going anywhere”, he said vaguely. You turned back to the TV and watched. Ah, riots. People still hate the Avengers. Nothing gets done. The Damage Control is not enough. Angry. Helpless. Exhausted. On the edge. Familiar.

You blinked and stretched. You had insomnia, too, but it was pretty human, like all other cases. Rolling back and forth until five am, and then falling asleep like someone snapped their fingers – fast, deep, and with no dreams. You thought you were irritated and weary before you’ve seen what’s happening to Bucky.

You recalled staring at the window last night, while you laid in your bed. The sky was slowly getting pale pink, and your spine was moaning and sweating. Your eyes were burning and dry, and when the first ray of the sun poked through the clouds, a witch somewhere clicked her claws, and you drowned into sleep. You got up at noon, tired but alive, and didn’t have breakfast. The day was rainy, the job was none. Tony was in Washington with some infuriating business about not fighting people who are trying to prevent him getting them help. The latest news was, Tony was a tyrant who was trying to starve people to death.

You could hear Bucky breathe next to you. You didn’t speak last couple of days because you weren’t in the best mood and didn’t really want to bother him, though sometimes you felt like he’s watching you closely, more often than could be considered polite. But he got a pass, being Bucky. Everybody loved him, including you, or so you thought.

The quiet mumbling on the TV was putting you to sleep. You didn’t have problems with sleeping in daylight – it was the darkness that startled you to death and took away your composure. You started nodding and slid down the couch, putting your head on the pillow. You could still hear Bucky breathe very near, but at this point he was more of a surrounding.

You dreamed you were covered in spider’s web, but not like Peter’s, sticky and hard, - warm and very soft. It wouldn’t let go of you though. You tried to release your arm to get the white satin off, but it was unbreakable. You felt very tired in your dream, and decided to rest a bit more. Something poked you in the ribs, and you realized you were lying on a huge, broad branch of a giant tree. Hey, just like in the Hobbit! you thought. You tried to roll onto your back so that the hard bark of the tree wouldn’t bruise you. You couldn’t move. The fresh air was soothing your skin. You felt so good, despite being in the dark forest, possibly surrounded by gigantic human eater spiders.

FRIDAY’s soft voice woke you up.

“Y/N. Tony’s on the phone. Can you talk?”

You sighed, trying to figure out the parts of your body. Bucky’s metal arm was warm and hard beneath your right shoulder blade. He was almost falling off the couch, his right arm weighing a metric ton on your ribs. He was soft, and big, and breathing in your neck and tickling it a bit. You fought the sudden desire to lay a palm on his impressive side going up and down with the tempo of his breathing. Bucky Barnes was finally sleeping.

[thenightisland]

unsolicited lengthy updates from the ghost that runs this blog

i couldn’t believe i hadn’t done one of these in 2018 since in 2017 so much was happening that i had to like five or six of them so let’s see what we have here

mm - second in command nurse/one of my best friends, the one who’s always cursed with constantly cheating death and people dying on her etc ch - staff nurse/one of my best friends, human version of pink champagne, pregnant rc - the techs’ version of a charge nurse/one of my best friends cb - the thriller novelist who inexplicably works with us, the one who nearly got killed on the unit last year there are others that’ll come up but i guess those are the main players

2017 was awful right up to the end. about an hour into 2018 things started looking much more promising, mostly from a personal life standpoint. which was the least it could do after 2017 ruined my christmas.

few weeks into the year cb finally came back. he’d been out five months. no one understood why he came back when he had so many other career options at his fingertips, and we certainly didn’t understand why he came back to the shift it happened on. and even more so i didn’t understand why he talked to me about writing, when he wouldn’t even admit he was a writer out loud to anyone else and certainly didn’t talk at length about it with anyone. he still wouldn’t talk about it, to anyone else.

rc nearly put himself into DTs at the beginning of the year, despite, you know, working in psych and knowing what that does to a person. which sometimes i wonder if that was his intention, to do lasting damage, bc that shit can kill you. he got through all of that ofc, and had done really well until these last few weeks, more on /why/ later

our hospital has a weird tendency to create odd romantic relationships that i swear are things forged out of a mash unit type of daily trauma. so mm is currently in a will they or won’t they arc - leaning toward will - with a guy who works up there. one of my med nurses who went 7-3 is most definitely with one of my techs which we all knew would happen. ch is engaged to a social worker who worked at our hospital at the time. our director married a tech. a house sup has a kid with a tech. the detox charge nurse met his wife when she was a tech and they both worked our unit. etc. i guess it’s bc we deal with such intense things every day and you literally do save each other’s lives. we always joke hospital relationships are an inevitability. that being said my situations with rc and cb should have been expected and yet here i am, the former esp, as we’ve been the hospital’s most popular pairing for ages.

i spend a lot of my time now breaking behavior cases rather than treating psych pts. behavior cases are people who aren’t psychotic, they’re just violent opportunistic assholes who have figured out how to go to a psych hospital instead of jail. treating psych pts is tiring but rewarding. breaking behavior cases makes you feel almost sociopathic bc you /do/ you have to break them. psychologically, i mean. physically all we really have to work with is a shot and a few hours in seclusion. so you end up doing these hannibal lecter style speeches and trying to come up with threats that sound convincing that you know you can’t follow through on but you have to make them believe you can. they keep taking these “pts” so i spend 90% of my time now breaking those cases so that they don’t keep hurting staff and my real pts. one such behavior case was responsible for rc getting attacked. it really is a matter of 98% mind games and movie villain speeches, since this large violent not at all psychotic “pt” no longer messes with me or any of my people after our discussion about his behavior. 

my nursing friend who died unexpectedly last year. her sister was bipolar, which i found out in nursing school, bc over easter weekend i helped my friend get her through a psychotic manic break. i didn’t remember her and she didn’t remember me considering the circumstances of our one meeting. so this past spring i’m prepping a pt to transfer to another unit, and it isn’t until then that i realize the sister had been on my unit all week. part of her paperwork said “off meds, having difficulty coping with upcoming anniversary of sister’s sudden death.” it was like seeing a ghost.

my friend’s mother died. we all adored her mom. she was an artist and a very accomplished one. we had to watch what became a ten year decline.

one of my high school teachers died after dealing with cancer for two years and while i wasn’t fond of her and didn’t mourn her, a death is still a death

cb was a night shift weekender, primarily. in march, found out why when i was on 11-7 he’d pick up shifts. and why he started picking up 3-11s when i switched to 3-11. and why he came back to the shift he got hurt on. why he came back at all. why he was finally actually /talking/ to someone about his life and background before he gone girled himself, and why that person was me. took mm pointing all of it out to realize i was the common denominator but i was always bad at math. 

i went to an island in south carolina for a few weeks in april and dreaded coming home since the vacation curse is 4/4. but nothing happened. thank god. i doubt i could have handled a fifth round.

my nursing class had another member die unexpectedly this year too. last year this guy was the one to post in our fb group that my friend/our classmate had died. idk if this is a the ring sort of deal, but now he’s dead, so the girl who posted about /his/ death should probably watch out in 2019. we have an awfully high mortality rate for a class that had like 22 people in it. much like the teacher, i wasn’t esp fond of him, but it is a bit creepy to watch a classmate die each year.

sometime in may is when the hospital started going to hell, i think. i have vague memories of regulatory agencies being around all the time and some of the doctors and assessors literally living there, pt rooms on one of the nicer units converted into bedrooms for them because yes it was that bad. one woman didn’t see her son for two weeks. it kept escalating to a point that our unit was constantly having meetings with the ceo bc things were that fucked up. they were taking behavior cases they should never have taken. there were so many employee injuries in 2018, and we all just kind of revolted when one such behavior case decked a med nurse in the face just bc he could [you know, the person with no psych history who had tried to murder his little sister prior to admission] that pt was supposed to be d/c’d to jail in two weeks. we had him almost two months. the unit looked like a tenement from the boarded up broken windows. we fought and fought and fought for unit safety and the staffing required to accomplish that. everyone was so goddamn exhausted that we started holding admission paperwork hostage like no it’ll get done when you give me the staff to fucking do it but two nurses in this nurses station with 80 volatile pts is not enough, and guess what four techs for that many pts isn’t enough either. i mean it was just every day fighting. i remember sitting on my tailgate drinking tequila one night with ch and us in tears bc our home was falling apart. and the day rc just said i don’t know how much longer i can keep doing this, sounded defeated, which he’s never defeated. there was a night me mm rc and cb just stood in the nurses station exhausted and saying we’ve got to get out of here. but we kept coming back, fighting for every last bit of progress we could. 

i’d been texting cb one weekend while he was at work, which was the only reason i had my phone on me which meant i saw the message from mm that said “what would 30mg of klonopin do to me” which was how i ended up with one of my best friends on my couch on a saturday night sobbing bc she had come close enough to killing herself that she had the already half empty bottle of vodka in one hand and the bottle of pills in the other. so i had to crisis suicide intervention my fellow psych nurse friend. so i guess good thing i was talking to cb about neruda and auden poetry bc i hate to think what would have happened that night if i hadn’t bothered to keep my phone on me like i do a lot.

and then about a month and a half ago it all came to a head. the dangerous understaffing reached its peak. four techs for eighty pts, which meant two techs for /47/ male pts, a unit of behavior cases, four or five pts who were on 1:1 obs, three admissions untouched, six more pending, and me alone in the nurses station bc i had to put my one other nurse /and/ the secretary on 1:1s that i didn’t have coverage for. i told them it wasn’t safe. i told them i was sick of having this argument every week. i told them that the last time i had to go to two techs on that male hall the week before that staff got hurt. well, three of my four techs were guys, who were stuck on the floor in a hold with a male pt and barely able to keep him contained like having to actively fight and i had to be out there for paperwork/supervisory purposes. that left my remaining one hall tech trying to contain the rest of the unit, since the others were stuck on 1:1s which effectively trap you. so an opportunist female behavior case came up from behind and started beating me in the head over and over and dragged me across the floor by my hair, got a lot out too i had hair coming out for /days/. so my one hall tech is trying to pry this bitch off of me and the staff on the 1:1s are dragging their respective pts up there to the middle of it so they could help bc my guys were still in a losing battle with the male pt. from there i remember mostly being in a blind rage and at some point admin et al came to the unit. and i know i yelled at them a lot and told them they’d better be glad i wasn’t handing them my keys and leaving. and our sweet grandma house sup told the ceo and nurse exec they could be house sup the rest of the night bc she was taking me to the er. our director had to be me the rest of the night. rc wouldn’t even /speak/ to her apparently. one of the social workers was telling her boss that if i left then she was leaving. everything was in an uproar. my nurse who had been stuck on the 1:1 was in the nurses station /sobbing/. the female tech told our director “i hope you know we’re staying for karen, not you.” cb was freaking out bc i texted him from the er and then was taken back for a ct and so didn’t answer and he had called ch terrified bc i wasn’t answering [i think the whole thing probably brought back bad memories for him, obv]. rc didn’t sleep for several days bc he was blaming himself and i had to keep telling him /the only way any of this could have been prevented was by them staffing us appropriately/ bc that’s the truth but he was still so fucking miserable and told mm “if this makes her quit they aren’t getting a two weeks notice from me i’m walking out with her”. in the wake of all this, the unit has continued in the same fashion of fighting for basic necessities every day, and mm is struggling running it in my absence with her already fragile mental health. everyone is kind of terrified about something happening to ch since she’s pregnant. mm is having full panic attack rage breakdowns at our director. when they had the admin meeting with everyone else who was there when i got attacked admin asked my team “how could y’all have prevented this” at which point all of them started yelling at them, and then admin wanted to know why no one called a code when i got attacked at which point rc straight up just yelled at the ceo /because there was no one to fucking call it/.  the nurse exec, who always liked me and was one of the few admin people with a conscience, quit in the wake of me getting hurt, because of the whole thing. and rc has been drinking himself to sleep off and on. 

so now we’re at this crossroads, mm ch rc and i. unsure whether to stay or go. and if so, where? our job is like a war zone idk how to be a civilian anymore, but the four of us have been talking like this place is killing us if this job was a boy/girlfriend we’d call this abusive and end it. if the four of us leave that guarantees the total collapse of what little of the unit will be left. it’s already struggling just with /me/ out [i’ve been out because of the head injury which those aren’t fun], let alone the four of us who have always kind of held the unit together. 

so what the hell are we supposed to do?

in theory 2018 didn’t feel as stressful as 2017 but on paper??? on paper it still looks pretty terrible???????????????

[itsyaboisayori]

Why I’m questioning Sayori

I said I’d make this post so here it is! Even got on my laptop to properly do the post :p I’m just kinda winging this but I’ll try to list out everything I can. If I forget stuff I’ll go back and edit it later so if you’re curious, keep watch! I’ll reblog any time I make edits, at least somewhat big ones. 

Also, replies are welcome! I’m open to constructive criticism and anyone wanting to offer new viewpoints. I accept that I’m still learning and nothing is for sure yet. Also tbh anyone telling me I sound like I’m kin is validating as heck so if you’re thinking it then I’d appreciate you saying it ahaha, but please don’t lie to me because you think you know what I want to hear. I want the truth. I don’t want to be a confused mess ;n; And I know all/most of these could be COMPLETELY unrelated to being Sayori fictionkin, but I feel like they’re worth mentioning anyways. It’s more like, a bunch of little coincidences rather than big solid evidence, I’m aware of that and that’s a big reason why I’m questioning and not for-sure Sayorikin.

One thing I realized just a couple of days ago is how, since I was a kid I’ve had this like, ideal thing I guess? how do I put this into words lmao my brain is dumb,, I guess a fantasy, that I’d fall in love with a childhood friend, like someone I’m close with from a young age but strictly friends for a long time. I’ve always been in love with the idea of falling in love with your best friend. And of course that’s what happens to Sayori, due to her programming in DDLC. And if I’m kin with Sayori from other game(s) rather than just DDLC then it definitely could be something unrelated, just a coincidence.

I’m like, really drawn to DDLC?? Maybe just because DDLC is a great game and I love all the creepypasta type stuff behind it all, all the theories and dark shit, and also I think just as a cute dating sim it’d be great anyways (but nowhere near as great). But idk, when I saw it I immediately felt kinda drawn to it but maybe that’s just in my head or for some other reason like the characters look nice or smth.

Also it REALLY gives me feels. It makes me feel things in general. I rarely get genuinely scared from fictional stuff anymore but this game fucked me up. I’m still scared to play it on my own because, even after watching multiple youtubers play it multiple times, it still fucking scares me.

The Sayori suicide scene and her poem- especially the poem- really get to me. I saw people making hanging puns in the previous video before her death so it was kind of spoiled for me but even still, it got to me. And the scene where Sayori is freaking out because you deleted Monika before playing the game REALLY gets to me,, like I just understand that overwhelming, helpless feeling. Especially finding out why she acted that way, it’s so fucking hard to watch that scene and normally I’m not affected by this kind of stuff. So either DDLC is extremely good at psychological horror or I have some sort of connection to the scenarios, whether that be just that I’ve been through similar things and am projecting (not really that I remember though? idfk brains are weird) or ya know,,, I once lived as someone in DDLC or whatever.

(TW self harm/suicide/choking) Probably has no real correlation but when I have panic attacks/flashbacks (unrelated to DDLC I mean) I feel like I’m choking or like I can’t breathe. And when really frustrated I tend to choke myself? Sayori died from asphyxiation instead of her neck being broken, by accident because she used a stepping stool instead of something higher like a chair and jumping off. Btw I’m okay, I never actually choke myself to the point to causing permanent damage or anything, and of course I’m not saying this is like, okay or anything. I know it’s bad but I’ve done it completely on impulse, and this was all before learning DDLC even existed. I’m working on getting better and I’m not going to kill myself or anything, just thought I’d mention this.

I relate to her personality,,, so fucking much. Not just the whole pretending to be happy to make your friends happy thing, but how she is as a person besides her depression. Tbh I feel like a lot of people relate to her because of her depression and how she deals with it, but like she’s so much more than that. She pretends to be dumb but it actually pretty smart. Maybe she’s not the best with words but I think she’s a lot more intelligent than some people think. She’s so cheerful, maybe even annoying, and is kind of the class clown, and is a total weirdo sometimes but it’s GREAT and just,, same lmao. Like “looks like my boobs are getting bigger again >:D” is something I’d say lolol I just love Sayori so much, like idc if I’m kin with her or not she’s still fucking amazing.

Another reason I relate to her but probably is like not at all proof I’m Sayori or anything, just thought I’d mention anyways, but I was kinda like, really in love with my guy friend in high school for years, he’s actually kinda like MC in some ways, like he was kinda popular with girls but not like Popular(tm), super nice and couldn’t directly say no, but he knew I was in love with him (or at least knew I had a crush on him but he probably had no idea I liked him THAT much but hey neither did I for a long time lmao) and didn’t like me back and even started intentionally avoiding me. Like, he would make up an excuse to not give me a hug, like he was late for class, but hugs only take like a fucking second what the hell?? It sucked but like when the player turns down Sayori I Relate.

I just,,,,, want to hug Natsuki like she’s fucking adorable and I want to protect her the most bc she’s like a precious child and she’s obviously abused by her dad. Tbh Yuri is a little creepy and for some reason I don’t like her that much but I mean I’d still hug her. I don’t hate Monika, like it was just her programming to do all that stuff she did so I don’t blame her and she’s p cool and I’d hug her too tbh. When Sayori interacts with Natsuki it makes me feel all warm n fuzzy. Like I don’t think in my canon Sayori and Natsuki were dating or anything, I think I/Sayori am/was just really protective? Idk, thought I’d throw that out there.

I also heavily relate to wanting to be a mediator and wanting to help everyone get along and be happy. I often (try to) play that role in this life. I’m extremely empathetic, so that’s prob why, but I can’t stand when people are fighting or can’t see each other’s point of view. Though it also frustrates the FUCK out of me when people refuse to or just absolutely cannot see any point of view but their own. Maybe that’s not really a Sayori thing but ye

When I look at Sayori I get the same “that’s me!” feeling as when I see my kintypes. Who knows though, maybe in a month or two it’ll fade, we’ll see I guess. But right now it is Very Strong. Like I’ve somewhat questioned being fictionkin with other characters before but I’ve never had the “that’s me” feeling this strong with anyone else. Ruby from RWBY is a close second but I still think she’s just a kithtype.

I feel like having a past life or whatever as someone who was experimented on kinda makes sense?? Maybe I just enjoy horror a little too much but I really think if I am Sayori I’m kin with her like actual her not just the DDLC version of her. The new game hasn’t even been announced yet but I’m so excited, mostly because I feel like I want to learn more about my possible past life I guess. I wanna see if things in the second game connect with me or if it’s just DDLC. But I feel like, if I’ve had any past lives as any humans, they were probably really dark or smth. I kinda have a dark mind I guess and that would just make sense to me lmao, like I’m 21 why haven’t I grown out of my edgy phase, why the fuck am I still really into creepypasta? Damn.

I’ve been kinda obsessed with DDLC lately. I have BPD so it could totally just be a BPD obsession thing and maybe this obsession will fade and someday I won’t care too much about DDLC, only time will tell. Also I’ve had the song Your Reality stuck in my head for a week straight but it may just be a catchy song and I tend to have a song that kinda automatically starts playing in my head occasionally, usually lately it’s been Sad Machine by Porter Robinson (good song btw highly recommend)

Most likely unrelated but Sayori’s hair has been described as “strawberry blonde” on one wiki and my hair is like, light brown but reddish, though it looks more like Monika’s hair, especially because I keep my hair long. I’ve been kinda wanting to cut it but I like having long hair tbh and I feel like a lot of ppl don’t want me to cut my hair haha, though I really wanna get a short wig and maybe wear that occasionally (esp bc I’m non binary and wanna pass as more boyish sometimes, I know society will never accept me as nb bleh but anyways). Though, it’s been said that the reason her hair is short is because it’s easier for her to deal with, but I’m not 100% sure if that’s canon. Though I guess it doesn’t matter much? cuz multiverse stuff n all but, still.

Speaking of her appearance, she seems to not care too much about how she looks, which I relate to haha, especially because of depression n stuff. I mean I have Crippling Social Anxiety(tm) so I do care to an extent but usually I’m like, if someone likes me they’ll like me for who I am not how I look anyways. I don’t feel the need to dress super proper to impress anyone in casual social situations, like making friends or even going on dates (though I’ve only been on a real date like a few times and they were with my gf who I’d already been dating online for a while). And yeah a big reason she’s so careless about her appearance is depression but I think if I wasn’t depressed and she wasn’t depressed we’d still both have that mentality like, we don’t need to impress anyone with our appearance so it’s better to just dress how you want, whatever way makes you feel comfortable and happy with yourself and your body, than focus on being proper and stuff.

Maybe I’m just projecting but man I feel like a lot of stuff I do and my ways of thinking and stuff are very Sayori(tm). I feel like I am so much like her, like she’s so me. Though of course, maybe my reason for being kin with her is purely psychological. Maybe I “became” her after seeing DDLC. Maybe I am her because I relate to her so much. But again, only time will tell. If I still feel like I identify as her (which, currently, I most definitely do) in a couple of months or so, then I guess I’ll start calling myself fictionkin. Idk.

[caelummy-blog]

I watched the pirates episode the other day and I just had to draw Clyde in that pirate outfit ! I love this boy

Ah the other thing is that I talked with my mom about one of her friends today. The guy has some serious commitment issues and the most he had stayed with anyone was 4 years, but he’s a big womanizer and sleeps around a lot (he has a lot of young women falling for him). And my mom said it was bc when he was 10 his mother died and that kind of translated into that as a mother is supposed to be this really supportive and important person in a child’s life, if the mother leaves that means everyone else could as well, so this guy unconsciously built up this self defense mechanism that he doesn’t get too attached to anyone and doesn’t take relationships seriously bc he thinks the other will leave him anyways, so what does it matter and he doesn’t want to get hurt

Okay so what I wanted to get out of that story was that it reminded me an awful lot of Clyde. He and his mother were most likely close and he lost her over a mistake he made, so I can imagine how much psychological damage that’d do to him without him really realizing it

[digimmortality-archive]

starter guide to my OCs under the cut! warning: there are a lot and i am trash for using the same FCs, but whatever whatever. <3

Alyssa Montgomery ( faceclaim: mackenzie davis ):  - tattoo artist  - single mom, very active in her kid’s life and very much involved in pta like things  - terribly romantic and loves being in love and doesn’t know when too much is enough

Aruna Charan ( faceclaim: naomi scott ):  - high school drop out  - lost in life and has no idea what to do or where to go  - uses humor as a way to cover up insecurities

Asurael ( faceclaim: jim caviezel ):  - fallen angel mercenary  - very much a damaged angel who is overcome with rage and anger at the thing who ripped off his wings  - also really oblivious to the way the modern world works, and isn’t very good with social cues

Avery Lucas ( faceclaim: chloe bennett ):  - destiny 2 based titan in fireteam aeternum  - in modern verse, she’s an underground fighter  - sees the fun in all things violent and is really just the type of person to see joy in life always

Cameron McCormick ( faceclaim: hugh dancy ):  - accountant / underground crime boss  - literally a serial killer with ASPD  - only cares about two or three people in separate verses, and will do anything to protect them

Donovan Crayford ( faceclaim: michael malarkey ):  - auto mechanic  - spent most of his life dating kiana before breaking it off when she returned from overseas  - tries to spread joy where he can, volunteers in his spare time at shelters and hospitals

Dylan Abernathy ( faceclaim: amy acker ):  - farmer / veteran  - literal human sunshine who makes it her goal to brighten the day of whoever she comes across  - most of the workers on her farm were homeless before she met them and offered them a place to work and live

Estela Tavares ( faceclaim: becky g ):  - high demon queen, previously a succubus  - feeds off of the literal life essence of humans and various other beings  - overly cocky / confident and believes she can do no wrong

Gavin Fischer ( faceclaim: cody christian ):  - kind of a deadbeat genius  - works as a waiter in a local steakhouse to help provide for his three siblings and parents  - dreams of one day being a physicist and discovering new things and being able to earn a lot of money so his parents and siblings never have to want again

Grayson Hauser ( faceclaim: tahmoh penikett ):  - POI based ISA / Samaritan agent  - comes off really gruff and stoic / flat effect almost  - soft when it comes to the people he cares about, will protect them, oblivious to the bigger picture and only follows orders

Isaac Harding ( faceclaim: tyler hoechlin ):  - private detective, specializing in the supernatural  - injured knee, addicted to coffee and nicotine  - soft spoken and studious, tends to go out of his way to complete a case, even when the danger is high

Jac Miller ( faceclaim: phoebe tonkin ):  - derby girl / pyrokinetic + empath  - has absolutely no control of her powers and the empathy makes her lose control more often than not  - definitely a wild child, feels too much ALWAYS even without her empathy

Jasper Davis ( faceclaim: chris wood ):  - destiny 2 based warlock of fireteam aeternum  - the gothest boy ever  - is part of a warlock order called the thanatonauts, in which he dies voluntarily to experience visions before being revived

Joey Belmont ( faceclaim: stella maeve ):  - atomic blonde based double agent ( CIA / SVR )  - spends a lot of her time undercover in the US investigating   - never shows who she really is and crafts a different personality for every meeting, in actuality a very lonely, dark person

Katia Boystov ( faceclaim: lyndsy fonseca ):  - gta based crew assassin  - runs with an all female crew and is known for how loud her assassinations are  - her personality is much like her style of violence: wild and in your face

Ke'aslas ( faceclaim: charlie cox ):  - elder god based oc  - was summoned to earth eons ago and has been existing just underneath the surface  - once technology began to uprise, they poured their essence into it. flickering lights? static on a tv? look closer and you will see and hear Them.

Kiana Razavi ( faceclaim: sarah shahi ):  - air force veteran  - severe ptsd. night terrors, flashbacks.   - the softest but also literally the most pathetic. latches onto any kindness and very easily falls in love because she craves affection and attention

Lex Stovall ( faceclaim: amy acker ):  - fuckboy neurosurgeon  - amab feminine agender person ( she/ her pronouns, male and nb titles ( dr, sir, mx, etc )  - too cocky and confident to function tbh. addicted to painkillers and drinks too much wine. afraid of commitment after her divorce

Mitchell Calloway ( faceclaim: jason bateman ):  - assistant district attorney  - very much the smarmy villain type you would expect him to be  - he’s charming in a way that seems unsettling and only in it for the money

Oliver Ward ( faceclaim: matthew gray gubler ):  - continuing ed. english professor, only teaches night classes  - very soft and very gay man who finds joy in fictional stories and fantasy  - somehow has his life together but looks a mess always, very disorganized and very disheveled

Owen Rebours ( faceclaim: richard harmon ):  - destiny 2 based hunter of fireteam aeternum  - the quietest hunter on the front. very focused on making sure the job is done, but loves the challenge  - has a gambling problem, but bets only on crucible matches and never plays himself

Rosalind Harston ( faceclaim: olivia taylor dudley ):  - late 1800s vampire  - nearly feral and lacks a humanity. her feralness translates into a sense of uncaring and feeds without remorse  - tends to prey on the stronger because the challenge is greater

Rosana Naceri ( faceclaim: sarah shahi ):  - psychology professor / self help book author  - completely fucked up after witnessing her father kill her mom and translates that into trying to help others, though does not follow her own advice  - rarely speaks unless its needed, and is quick to anger or judgement

Rowan Knight ( faceclaim: katie mcgrath ):  - up and coming mob queen  - ambitious to a fault and tends to take her anger and frustration out on those close to her  - prefers ruling from a perch and doesn’t like getting her hands dirty, but will if she has to 

Roya Veisi ( faceclaim: sarah shahi ):  - ex marine bodyguard  - is the type that feels too much and thinks its a weakness, so she comes off as stoic and unfeeling  - lets her anxieties get the better of her when it comes to social situations

Savina ( faceclaim: alycia debnam carey ):  - feral werewolf   - literally acts like more animal than person, has lived on her on in the wilds since she was young bc separated from her pack / family  - is barely in control of her beast and spends a lot of time trying to figure out how to get in under wraps without knowing how

Siya Parekh ( faceclaim: naomi scott ):  - literal princess of a made up city ( gotta write this up )  - very prim and proper in public but is also politely sarcastic in a way that turns heads  - tends to leave other royalty and politicians confused and surprised at how well she navigates matters

Theo Bradford ( faceclaim: jeffrey dean morgan ):  - physics professor  - single dad, divorced and estranged from his ex wife  - shy, quiet kind of guy. keeps to himself mostly and focuses more on his work and providing for his daughter

Tobias Gallo ( faceclaim: sean teale ):  - background vocalist of an indie band  - mainly sings, but also plays violin and wants to break off from the band and start his own career  - goes with the flow most of the time and pours his heart and soul into his music

Victor Moreno ( faceclaim: diego luna ):  - account executive for ford motors  - a blind man and uses a cane rather than a seeing eye dog   - finds fun and joy in literally every moment, and goes out of his way to make sure the people around him are also seeing things in a new light ( figuratively )

[xavierscos]

Stuff to post w art today:

For the robosona ref:

Yup here’s my botsona!!!! Here’s some extra info on him!!!

·         He has inner fans to keep him below a certain temperature (one of them is busted)

·         If he gets too flustered/excited and goes past a certain temperature, he’ll blue screen and crash

·         If he gets too stressed he’ll do that weird color static thing computer’s do and then he’ll crash

·         Has a volume + power button on the side of his head. You can mute him by turning down his volume button (which will then result in him communicating through emojis and such)

·         He can use emojis when he’s not muted but he doesn’t really like doing that. The only emoji he uses no matter his volume level is the knife emoji

·         Can display words one at a time on his screen (the most used are: various curses such as FUCK, CUNT, ASS, SHIT; YES; NO; MOE; C-3Y). the word ERROR shows up when he crashes/does the blue screen thing

·         Pupil can change shape (hearts, eye swirls, money symbols, etc)

·         His cat companion Booby (yes based after my cat Boobs) was actually stolen! Yup! This lil bot fella stole a cat from someone’s house and the cat just ?? went with it?? And bonded with the bot??? anyways story is xai was homeless for a lot (he still is but now he travels) so every day when the person went off to work he’d sit at the fence and pet the cat bc booby would hop over it and he’d feed the cat and shit and one day he just. ran off w the cat

<b>Liquid mood-color chart </b>

Purple – standard mood, average

Pink – lovesick/lovestruck, doting, affectionate (tints the purple a bit more pink around ppl he genuinely loves buuut gets really bright when feeling Extra Affectionate)

Blue – sad, sullen (darker means feeling worse)

Red – angry, outraged (brighter means angrier)

Yellow – excited, energetic (different from happy – brighter means more energized)

Dark green – jealous, bitter, resentful

Bright green – disgusted, grossed out,

Pinkish-red – embarrassed, flustered, nervous,

Blue-green – apologetic, guilty

Neon/cyan blue – Frightened, panicking, scared

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For the Duckpaw/Perse + alters

Hey yall as u kno duckpaw/perse has DID so I,, finally made art of her alters anyways let’s go

WC name | Human Name | Info | <b>How to tell if WC form is fronting</b> | <i>How to tell if Human form is fronting</i> |

 Mudpuddle | Mariana | She/Her. She’s the essential “caretaker” of the system. Makes sure the body isn’t damaged beyond repair and will take care of the body after Duck/Perse has had a bad episode. | <b>She constantly grooms her fur so it curls upwards slightly rather than Duckpaw’s straightforward style. Speaks in a soft, low tone.</b> | <I>Curls her hair w/ a curler. Wears blouses, dress pants, boots.</i> |

Patches | Dudley | They/Them. Tends to stick up more. Will front when Duck/Perse is being pressured to do shit she doesn’t like and/or recalling blocked out memories. Irritable, snarky, snide. Tends to be rather smug and a know-it-all. Yells @ ppl who pisses them off. | <b>Doesn’t groom as much as Duck or Mudpuddle, so fur kinda sinks down ish. Not really too far but. Still spiky like Duck’s. Cranky, loud. Will typically let u kno they’re fronting</b> | <i>Wears suits and ties, or dress shirts and pants. Wears hair up in a bun.</i>

Bugs | Bud | He/Him. Prefers to isolate himself, distances himself away from friends and shit. Doesn’t interact much unless necessary. Sleeps a lot and eats a lot. | <b>Will run off from camp and hide out in territory. Doesn’t groom, collects dirt in fur. Doesn’t really talk around others either.</b> | <i>Won’t change out of pajamas, doesn’t brush or wash hair, locks himself in the room.</i>

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That ross/perse picture

Oooohhh boy lemme dive into the history of human au ross + Persephone real quick uh

<b>Trigger warnings: Physical abuse, sexual abuse, mental/emotional abuse, psychological trauma, death, pedophilia</b>

Ross had 4 other siblings and he was the youngest – his mother died after giving birth to him, so he always kinda carried around this guilt that he was the reason his mom was dead. His dad always kinda was distant/didn’t spoil him as much as the others, but he still cared for ross and shit. When ross was about 10 or so he was driving with his siblings while he talked 2 ronnie on the phone. Another car kinda rammed into them and they got in a pretty bad car wreck which Ronnie heard over the phone so he called ross’ family and shit. Reyes and hollyanne and his dad all came and a couple of ross’ siblings died on scene; he was hospitalized with one other sibling. He had a broken arm and a couple fractured ribs, bruising and lacerations but he was alive – his sibling was in a coma and didn’t come out.

Ross’ dad was kinda resentful bc he lost all of his kids besides ross and he already kinda resented ross for taking away his wife so he like. flat out ignored ross, didn’t talk to him, didn’t really do anything. Hollyanne started picking ross up to and from school bc he started missing bc his dad wouldn’t drive him. Eventually ross and his dad moved in w hollyanne and reyes (and then addar and Persephone came along). ross’ dad started saying some nasty comments over a period of a year or two that started to bring ross’ waaaayyyy down so ross turned to another guy (said guy was 18, ross was 13-14) who flattered him and told him nice shit. This guy took advantage of ross + ross’ insecurities and slept with ross more than once (despite ross saying he wasn’t comfortable the first few times)

The family caught ross + the guy in his room one night and hollyanne/reyes were pissed @ the guy bc this dude is 18,,preying on a 14 y/o so they kicked the dude out (they started filing for charges/restraining order after) but ross’ dad was pissed @ ross bc this wasn’t “right” (ross’ dad was a firm believer in abstinence and also this is an adult with a child and ross’ dad kinda blamed ross for not realizing what was happening was bad) so ross’ dad’s belittling started getting worse and worse afterwards and one day ross kinda said something back and ross’ dad hit him over the face and hollyanne/reyes were like “alright you have to go like right fucking now” so they kicked ross’ dad out and he left w/out looking back and ross hasn’t spoken to him in a while

Ross is now a bitter dude who thinks his only value in life is sex/sexual purpose and he doesn’t believe he can amount to anything good so instead of risking shit (like failing grades or job interviews or whatever) he bribes ppl 2 either do shit for him or give him shit (take a wild guess abt how the briberies work)

 Persephone has like 98% of her memories from her childhood blocked. Her mother died a little bit after her first birthday and no one knew who her dad was so she went into care under her uncle and her uncle was,, kinda poor so he had a bunch of friends/family he lived with. Persephone saw a lot of death growing up (people overdosed on drugs, sickness related, people got shot) and that kinda stuck with her through her life so she has a phobia of death stimming from that. Also some of her uncle’s friends started getting uh, handsy with her and touching her and shit so that has ,, stuck with her. She’s blocked out the memories but if she tries to recall them she’ll have a bad mental reaction. Eventually she managed to book it during the middle of another move (the family moved around a lot) and she kinda wandered the streets for a few days until hollyanne/reyes spotted her and took her in. eventually after a little bit of living w them she came out as a trans girl so now holly and reyes r helping her with her transition n shit. Also they got her professionally diagnosed

When she was in like 7th grade ross had brought home some dude he worked with on a science project. The guy was a senior but took some lower classes and shit,, also he’s addar. Anyways addar was always rlly friendly w Persephone and gave her a lot of brotherly attention and holly was eventually like “Hey do u mind babysitting ross and perse while reyes and I go out and do some errands” and addar was like “sure!!!” eventually they all got super close and addar moved in(?) so now theyre all one big happy family :”)

 Uh characters mentioned belong 2: :devberryboats: :devbabysiut: :devppurble:

((pls don’t read this if the triggers will cause bad shit just lemme kno what u wanna hear abt the history ill give u an abridged version of where ur charas r involved))