#@ the anon who sent another prompt im going to write that one tomorrow because its 2am now lol

[dnps-trashcan]

i would love you to write me a fic! (i'm lazy af) you can enterperet it however, do what you like! the only things i would love to have included are 1. more in depth into phil's anxiety as well as dan's 2. something about dan's old emo-ness coming back up and 3. lots of fluff! no/little smut. tysm! love you 💙

The Cheeseburger

The smell of thick grease was in the air from the second Dan and Phil walked into the bustling McDonald’s. Looking around, there was only one table free in the downstairs seating area, and the queue was winding down the entire length of the room, people stood nestled among the eating customers. The music was quietly playing Ed Sheeran.

The two British lads had come to this fine dining establishment with one goal in mind. To get Dan a cheesburger. He’s been craving it all day, and after working so hard and going on runs every day he’d decided he deserved a treat, so he’d decided to come down, and Phil, being the trusty sidekick, had come along with him. 

“So, mate, do you want to stand in the line or should we order on those fantastic machines?” Dan asked. Phil was a bit confused about why Dan was speaking in such an unusual way, but didn’t question it as Dan often does some pretty strange things. 

“Well, the line looks like it will take less time for Sherlock season 5 to come out, so I think the card machine is a safer bet.” Phil replies.

“Fair point.” Dan agrees and the pair approach the wonderful machines. Dan taps on the burger section, and hears a ‘D’ note on piano sound come out. His eyebrows draw together as he frowns in confusion. He looks at Phil. “Did you hear that?” he asks, and Phil nods, saying “yeah, what’s going on?”. Then, the two long lads notice a sign taped to the machine, and it read, “The machine is undergoing technical difficulties, strange noises are possible. We apologize for the inconvenience”. They read the sign, both shrug their shoulders and carry on looking for the delightful cheeseburger on the list of options. Phil locates it and taps on the picture. They select the no meal option, and proceed to the payment. A single cheeseburger costs 99p, “what a bargain”, Dan thinks, while Phil is calculating how many sponsorships he’s going to do next week so he can pay for Dan’s lavish splurges. 

When the screen takes them to the payment page, however, Dan realises he has left his card at home, and only has a single pound coin on him. They were going to have to pay at the till. The line had decreased slightly while they’d been ordering, yet it still took up more than half of the shop. Dan sighed as he tapped ‘pay at counter’. He ripped off the receipt and walked to the end of the line, with Phil following after him. 

They stood in the line for a few minutes, towering over all the people around them. Phil, who was subconsciously watching the workers hand out orders to people, noticed the teenager call out “cheeseburger?”, wait for a few seconds then shrug and put the cheeseburger back onto a tray behind the counter. He nudged Dan, quietly saying, “um, I think they may have just called your order, but we haven’t paid yet so we can’t collect it”. Dan’s eyes widened, but he shrugs his shoulders, replying, “maybe someone else also ordered a cheeseburger, we’ll see if they call ours after we pay.” There was no need to worry about what would happen before he knows that it definitely was his cheeseburger, Dan thinks, although he can feel the weight start to settle in his gut. Despite denying it, he knew that that had been his cheeseburger. 

When it’s his turn to pay, Dan hands over the receipt from the machine and his one pound coin. When given the penny change, Dan sees Phil’s face light up from the corner of his eye. Instantly he knows what Phil wants to do (and internally he himself does too). Dan smiles at and thanks the girl at the counter and (falsely) begrudgingly hands over the coin as him and Phil walk towards the spinny coin donation box. Phil is grinning at this point, as he knows what he is about to witness. This miracle of physics has never once gotten old for him in all 32 years that he’s been alive. Dan’s eyes widen in anticipation as Phil places the penny in the special slot; secretly, he enjoys this equally as Phil, but he must keep up his macho persona, so he keeps his expression neutral. Phil mentally prepares himself and then lets go of the coin. As it spins, his eyes get rounder and rounder, and his smile gets wider and wider. Even Dan cracks a smile, both at the childish wonder on Phil’s face as well as the literal magic happening before him. When the coin finally falls into the hole at the center, after a full 82 spins, Phil sighs, and straightens up. If only they’d had more change, he thinks as his lower lip slightly sticks out in a pout.

The elongated lads now take a place in the cluster of people waiting to collect their orders. Dan’s stomach is still tight when he’s reminded of Phil’s earlier observation. After about a minute of waiting, he looks over at Phil, and starts to speak, “do-”. Phil interrupts him, “Dan, I think that was your cheeseburger, and you are going to have to ask for it at the counter.” His words are slightly faster than normal as he’s also feeling that dread in his stomach at the thought of having interact with the person behind the counter, as he knew what was bound to happen. “How about we wait a few more minutes until we’re absolutely sure that that was actually my cheeseburger”, Dan replies. Phil nods in agreement but he knows that they’re both delaying the inevitable. 

After about 5 minutes of waiting for their order, the line has managed to decrease down to one person, so Phil, despite the heavy feeling in his stomach, turns to Dan and says, “Dan, you have to ask for that cheeseburger, and we need to get home.” Dan sighs, and says, “but can’t you do it, Phil?”

Phil knew Dan would do this, which is why he was dreading it from the second he realised that that had been Dan’s cheeseburger. “But it’s your cheeseburger”

“But you’re my best friend…”

“I don’t even like cheese”

“But I’m too scared”, Dan said with a pout, putting on his best puppy eyes.

“Dan, you know those don’t work on me, I’ve been desensitised over the years”

“But pwease Phiw, pwease”

“Dan, no, it’s your cheeseburger”

“Pretty please???”

“I’m too scared too,” Phil admitted.

“But please do it,”

The two overgrown men went back and forth like this for a full 15 minutes, until Dan finally relented. He could do this. This year and the last he’d overcome so many difficult things, such as actually exercising, and his perfectionism problems, so he could do this one little thing, and then he’d even get a cheeseburger out of it. Phil sighed in relief when he saw Dan steeling his shoulders as if preparing for battle, he knew he’d won. Phil watched Dan semi-confidently stride forward towards the counter, and say “hi-”, with the rest cut off because Dan suddenly lost all confidence and became a bumbling buffoon. But Phil could relate as he’d done the same on multiple occasions.

Dan had awkwardly explained his situation to the McDonald’s worker, going back over what he’d said a couple times, and with his heart in his throat the entire time, but after much palm sweating and embarrassment, he’d managed to get his point across, and he walked back to Phil, triumphantly holding up his cheeseburger, sporting a huge grin. Phil grinned back at him with pride, and the pair casually walked towards the exit. Just as they were passing over the threshold, a noise rung out from the speakers. It was louder than the pop song on the radio, and louder than the chilled chatter from the patrons. 

It was a single G note.

Dan, instantly paralysed with fear, collapsed to the floor and went into the foetal position, shaking and crying about how “it’s not a phase mom!!11!!!111!”. Phil looked on in shock, along with several other parents who were also looking at their traumatised children. He shook his head, and pulled out his portable trolley, dragged Dan onto it, and pulled him the rest of the way home. This happens every couple of days, so after the 18th time Dan collapsed in Tesco’s and wouldn’t get up until he could “join the black parade”, Phil had invested in one of these handy trolleys.

It was only when they had gotten home, that they realised, that the sole purpose of this outing, the delicious, warm, cheesy, cheeseburger, was currently lying squashed on the floor of the McDonald’s, from where Dan had dropped it then fallen on it.

Hit with the realisation, Phil asks Dan gently, “do you want to go back to get another one?”

Dan laughs manically, “I am never going back there ever again.” Dan states firmly, his left eye twitching.

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

ASKS (28)

----------------

Anonymous said: Hi ily💓

I love you too! There is love in my heart and you may take some

Anonymous said: Hey hey hey Amesssss!!! what was the first fic you ever wrote?

Well. Technically the first written piece was a play I wrote at around 13? It was about all of the characters from the Percy Jackson series watching Disney’s Hercules together

My first bat fic was this one, back in I want to say 2014

Anonymous said: You are a snack . So cute ❤❤❤❤

[Lizzo voice] baby I’m the whole damn meal 

Anonymous said: You may’ve done badly but you looked fine as heck doing it. (I’m aroace—I’m not hitting on you, I promise). Besides, everybody has off days. Even lawyers.

akhfasufgdlfeas I appreciate the clarification <3

Anonymous said: For my summer job I went through a lawyer’s disaster of an office and let me tell you. 90% of it was Westlaw printouts. Those things are the effing best. They tell you what’s going on, they give you the info you need, they’re not weirdly complicated and hard to find—Westlaw. It may be prohibitively expensive and a symptom of the flaws in our legal system, but by golly it’s the best option.

When you hit that “forms” button......... the magic....... the beauty.....

andromeda270 said: My legal research class got us two free weeks of westlaw(I’m still in college) and when I didn’t finish a paper I made a free trial for the wrong site but they emailed me anyway asking if I was interested in buying and could they talk over the phone. I fessed up and they gave me another free week to work on a paper for some class

That’s how they get you!!!!

collidinglegends said: Lexis is shinier, WestLaw is better

Amen babe

Anonymous said: Please sleep

Who’s got the time

Anonymous said: hi !! quick question . I’ve followed you for a while and i think i asked you this previously but im not sure... do you write Duke ?? would you be comfortable writing him if i sent in a prompt including others in the fam ?

Sure, if I like the prompt. I write Duke every once in awhile, although I wouldn’t say I’m confident doing it. He’s a fairly new character and I stopped reading weeklys about the time I hit law school three years ago

Anonymous said: Hope you feel better soon... I'll pray for you

Ah thank you friend I appreciate you

areverieofchaosdreams said: I'm probably pretty late to this cause I'm not great at time, but your thing is making All the Feelings tm. But in a good way. You and dapanda were the first batfam blogs I ever followed, and it's been a helluva ride. Your way of writing things just pulls me in a way that few do, so thank you. :)

A single tear falls from my lashes, followed by several more because I cry a lot 

hades-in-a-handbag said: Your thing is being the embodiment of goth mom energy Don't know if it's just your literal handle or what but you're so encouraging and motherly and also dark and emotionally scaring with your writing. Very sweet, very spooky

goth mom energy 

Anonymous said: Omgggg ames, ginny is so grown up!!!!!

She is! She’s a teenager 

morallyunequivocal said: not a prompt but oh no i just made myself sad with that last ask

that’s a mood

Anonymous said: You make plushies? Wtf, how did you get to be so talented and adorable at so many things. You’re amazing and I hope law school goes well.

Oh you’re so so sweet

Anonymous said: What law school things have you learned that you could see the bat family deals by with?

Well, I’ve had to take classes about forming and maintaining businesses, finding tax loopholes, writing and litigating contracts, and real property. Those are all things that WE would deal with on the regular. I also took classes on juvenile and adult criminal law, evidence, and police misconduct, which all seem Bat-relevant. At this exact moment I’m taking family law, which would include adoptions, and I have in the past taken classes about trusts and estates.

Anonymous said: Noooooooo no nono 🙏🙏🙏 dont ignore her 💔

Bad kittens get ignored instead of cuddled

crayolapumpkins said: hope the printing isn't too boring !! + I'm loving the fics , your work is always *chef's kiss* !! thank u for ur hard work ✨✨✨

[heart eyes]

Anonymous said: Since you have a big brother and a tiny sister, with that huge gap, what do you feel when you see those Dick & Damian fics or headcanons where Dick sees Damian as both a brother and a son? I know it's kind of canon now, but fandom has even gone as far as having Dick adopt Damian in various situations. Their age gap and their positions in the family allows for that kind of dynamic and I know it's reality for a lot of people too. But what's Your opinions on this? And maybe your brother's?

Huh, that’s a good question. My littlest brother and I are ten years apart, and Dave will tell you flat out I’m his favorite sibling because when I’m home we do everything together. I think the thing those fics are collectively missing is that there doesn’t need to be a brother/father hybrid because the role of Older Sibling With Age Gap is already its own distinct thing. 

Dave and I don’t have the same dynamic as the kids I actively grew up with. We had very limited contact during his growing up years, because I was off at school. Now that he’s a teenager, we communicate like adults but with the caveat that I am In Charge. I dictate the agenda, and I make the decisions unless I choose to delegate them. 

I’ve indulged a request about an adoption before, but I don’t really like that idea very much. Like I said, I don’t feel the need to add “father” into a dynamic that already exists on its own. 

hollyhock13 said: Listen. You’re a middle kid, but not the middle middle kid. You’re towards the older end, but not the oldest. Maybe second or third, depending on how many siblings you have

Correct!

Anonymous said: That is the coolest blanket I've ever seen!!

Isn’t it just 

Anonymous said: We're having a big adoption event tomorrow in Houston and we sent all the animals in our shelter down there. Our supervisors are in Houston too so us few kennel techs left at the shelter are scrubbing the place from top to bottom. We have music playing on the loud speaker and just ordered pizza. It's a great day. :)

:D

Anonymous said: Pls continue the Tim and hallucination Damian thing im on edge

Anonymous said: Bls bls bls continue the tim hallucinating dami fic, bc its killing me in the best way. My heart. It hurts. That shit hurted.

maybe

Anonymous said: Ames, thoughts on the new joker movie?

I haven’t seen it, although I probably will when I get the time

Anonymous said: Idk if this is a secret, more like a guilty confession. I really, REALLY hope Damian turns out asexual, or at least romantically unattached. I LOVE that most of his good interactions are with his vaious Bat siblings, Jon, Maps and his pets. Everyone loves shopping him with varuova characters and it makes me hesitate to share my opinion incase I'm looked at weirdly. But having a character I look up to be asexual would be amazing.

I would really like that too anon

Anonymous said: what do you think about Drake & his new outfit?

ugly

Anonymous said: Alfred Pennyworth is the baddest bitch

You are not incorrect

bruciewayneisbatman said: Amy and Kenza are the bittersweet queens of this fandom. The both of you are absolutely evil and tooth-rotting sweet at the same time. I love you two for that, btw.

<3 thanks Esther 

[kae-karo]

knlalla’s fics of 2018

hello dears! now that the year’s coming to a close, i wanted to round up a quick post of all my fics from this year, please enjoy! i’ve highlighted my personal faves/the ones i’m most proud of :’) it’s been a wild year, so thanks so much to everyone for all your kind support!

one-shots

<2k

Phancakes (x) 1k (g) - the bois being domestic on pancake day (look okay we don’t have pancake day in america i have to live vicariously through dnp), insp by this tweet and the iconic vid no tw! just domestic fluff

did you make me a video for valentine’s day? (x) 1k (g) - Dan has a tradition, every year on Valentine's day he asks Phil the same question... no tw, minor angst

my talents include... (x) 1k (g) - Dan's whiny because Phil won't pay him any attention, so he sends out a passive-aggressive tweet. shoutout to @daliensgrandads​ on tumblr for bugging me to write this (instead of my current wip whoops) no tw, unless whiny!dan counts

Days like this (Security) (x) 800 (g) - Some days just aren’t good ones. tw depression

Balance (x) 1k (t) - Phil wants to post the bunk bed insta story, but Dan just wants to sleep. no tw

i missed you (x) 1k (g) - basically their history as told by dan no tw

the way you look tonight (x) 1k (g) - dan has a vid to edit. phil has other ideas. you have to listen to the way you look tonight by frank sinatra (youtube, spotify) whilst listening to this okay no tw

Chan (x) 1k (g) - insp by the anon that sent "demon hc: phil just chuckling fondly at dan thirsting over chan, while chan searches the bus and they’re both stood outside in pyjamas on the canadian border. idk, it’s just the kinda fond, secure bde that phil exudes these days" no tw

morning coffee (x) 1k (t) - inspired by the lovely anon who sent me "I dreamed Dan posted an insta story of Phil drinking coffee in bed and he was laying on his shoulder and I kept trying to show people how cute it was but no one cared, and when I woke up I remembered that you would care, and I realized it was a dream and now I’m a tad disappointed in my subconscious for trolling me." no tw

doing nothing often leads to the very best of something (x) 2k (g) - based on this (x) and a lil imagine i wrote (x) and expanded on so thanks to the lovely anon who originally sent "that pic phil posted of dan for his bday i think where dan is making a funny face and theres a nearly empty wine bottle in the background hhhhh that makes my demon heart drop" and to the lovely anon who asked for more! no tw

The House at Pooh Corner (x) 1k (g) - insp by the anon that sent "Full demon mode: Im just finishing up the Undertale series for the first time and all I can think about as Dan and Phil talk back in forth in their different character voices is how #blessed any future child of theirs is. Just imagine them snuggled up with a kid on each of their laps, reading Winnie the Pooh and doing voices for all the characters. RIP my heart." and the anon that sent "I've been having a really bad day. And something that I find really cute is imagining what Dan and Phil would be like as parents. (noting that you don't have to have kids ever to be a fulfilled human, just that people being good parents warms my heart). Hypothetically, what do you think it'd be like? I bet Dan would surprise himself by being a good dad. b/c he'd want his kid to feel free to be themselves and we all know he can be very protective when he needs to be." no tw, parent!phan

waffles (x) 2k (g) - phil goes to the 24hr diner with the hopes of seeing his favorite waiter (insp by me seeing a cute waitress at a diner. unfortunately none of the rest actually happened to me lmao) no tw, meet cute

it’s not living if it’s not with you (x) 800 (g) - dan and phil in bed at phil's parents' home, briefly reminiscing no tw

>2k

if we stopped shipping phan (x) 8k (g) - what would happen if the entire phandom just...stopped shipping phan? insp by this post about not shipping phan for a month cause they'd freak out. Happy Valentine's day, @phantasizeit​! no tw, friends to lovers

sleepover in the moon room (x) 6k (g) - It's a tradition they've had for years (Note: this was written with the intent that it can be read completely platonically or non-platonically, whichever you prefer. It's not written to imply one way or another.) a platonic fic sorta lmao

printer error (x) 16k (m) - Dan's a fanfic writer who's desperate to meet the AmazingPhil, but one printing mishap could bring him closer to his idol than he ever anticipated. no tw, strangers to lovers with a bit of fic commentary

everyone knows that (x) 5.5k (g) - They fight more often than they don’t, but that’s just how relationships are. Everyone knows that. Phil bakes when he’s worried, especially when he's worried about Dan. And Phil bakes quite a lot. Dan hates that he's the cause of Phil's nervous baking, that Phil's always so stressed because of him, but Dan has a hard time feeling too bad when the outcome is a plate of warm cookies. no tw just some angst

The Seven Deadly Insta Stories (x) 7k (e) - A collection of seven short fics based on the seven deadly sins, as told in the form of insta stories dnp didn’t post. as a prompt from @phanfichallenge to post a fic every day this week, have my tour fic twist on the seven deadly sins!! no tw, tour fic(s)

i’d do anything to not be alone (x) 16k (t) - I don’t know why I bother waking up. It’s one of those nonessential activities, like eating or drinking or breathing. But I do it, because if I don’t, then nobody would water the plants. Phil left and Dan doesn't know why. But he has to take care of the plants, because Phil would be so disappointed if he came back and his plants had died. no tw, just lots of sadness n a bit of angst but it does, as always, end happily i promise

dark purple sky (darkness comes out to play) (x) 4k (e) - It’s not that he hates parties, it’s just that- well, no, he hates parties. And costumes. And showing up to parties in costumes, and showing up to parties decidedly not wearing costumes, and all the mumbled judgements that come along with doing so. And he hates sweets - really, the only things he does like about Halloween are the autumnal vibes and the cool weather, and experiencing those certainly did not require his friends dragging him out to some abandoned castle grounds for a half-assed late-night party. Or the one where Dan gets a blowjob from a complete stranger in the middle of the forest on Halloween. no tw really, strangers to lovers?, mostly just pwp

Properly (x) 10k (e) - Dan's been trying to take advantage of the all-hours pool for a late night swim, but some guy always shows up before him. no tw just pwp and some strangers to lovers

chaptered

Demons and Diners (x) 65k (m) - A broke Dan, on the run from his previous life, finds temporary shelter in an abandoned diner...for the night? tw depression, some blood mentions, but happy ending as always!

What day is it? (x) 32k (t) - It's the first day of the semester, and it's already gone to shit: Dan's late to his first class, finds out his mortal enemy, Phil Lester, is the TA, and gets rejected by the girl of his dreams, but at least tomorrow's a new day...right? Aka the one where Dan and Phil are stuck reliving the same day over and over and can't figure out why. no tw except some major angst, uni au, enemies to lovers

Axiom (x) 31k (t) - Axiom: a proposition that is not actually proved or demonstrated, but is considered to be self-evident and universally accepted. Dan's out for the umpteenth time at the bar for its weekly speed-dating night (not that they'd actually call it that). tw depression and a really cliche plot twist whoops but a happy ending, always

one second (x) 41k (e) - When you spend your life getting glimpses of a myriad of possible futures every time you get a little emotional, you tend to lose sight of reality, of the present; a bad day turns into a bad week because all you see are the worst-case futures. You get a little excited about something, things start to go your way, but then all you can see are the realities where things are even better. Life tends not to measure up. Or the one where Dan meets Phil on a plane, and maybe reality starts to become better than even Dan could predict. no tw really, strangers to lovers

slow-closing doors (x) 44k (t) - SECRETS, DRAMA, BETRAYAL (okay no betrayal dw). Phil's agreed to be an RA for his floor this year at uni, and he's determined to be the best RA ever - after all, this is these students' first year, he wants them to have the best year ever. Loosely inspired by Freeze Tag by Caroline B Cooney. tw minor violence nothing graphic just a lil scary, uni au strangers to lovers

Peter Phan (x) 37k (m) - Phil's woken in the middle of the night by a mysterious guy at his window who's intent on dragging him off on an adventure, and for some inexplicable reason, he agrees. Dan's stuck - quite literally - in his own head, and he's desperate for anyone to help him escape. Maybe, if he's lucky, that person could be Phil. He hopes it is. tw depression and suicide attempt, implied/referenced non-con, lots of angst, but definitely a happy ending, strangers to lovers

angel boy (x) 22k+ (e) - for the anon that sent "Oh fuck, now I need a smutty fanfic with twink!Dan taking it from behind with his angel wing tattoo (or real ones for that matter... actually, yes please, real ones. And Phil has a kink for being a bit rough with them... maybe Phil's a demon... fuuuck, someone write this for me?)" Aka the one where angel!Dan goes into a demon club looking for a bit of entertainment. no tw, my attempt at pwp turned into porn with a plot lmao

Sea Glass (x) 58k (t) - Phil arrives on the Isle of Man to house-sit at his family's cabin while it's repaired and sold. Except the cabin's in far worse shape than expected, and Phil's got to find somewhere else to stay no tw really but like i updated this a few times this year so i’m counting it

Exile (x) 172k (e) - Exile's a fucking bitch. Dan finds himself kicked out of town and searching for literally anywhere out of the rain - somehow, he must have just enough luck, as he stumbles upon a seemingly abandoned house in the middle of the forest. Except it isn't abandoned, and the resident isn't exactly...normal...