#??? are a weirdo but to be fair all RO's are

[heavyisthecrownif]

Care to share some facts about the ROs?

Of course Nonny! Let's see:

•F!Kai has excruciating menstrual cramps, so much so that she sometimes has to take a break from her duties because the pain won't allow her to stand comfortably, she probably developed resistance to tonics to counteract the pain so now she always opts for a hot water bottle.

•Crown actually met ??? and the Secret Route before, but their interaction didn't have as much impact on them as it did on those two.

•Kai and Azzy have tattoos

• Azzy is left-handed.

•The Secret Route is potentially the darkest of them all.

•Although all versions of the RO's are available to any MC Azzy and Ely may be slightly biased towards an MC of the same sex as them.

•All but Secret Route are quite clear that their relationship with Crown is, if not a prelude to marriage a long term commitment.

•F!Ely dyes her hair constantly, in fact it is rare to see her in her natural blonde color.

•Ely is the RO with the most piercings of all, with 12 in total.

•??? is the RO who is most aware of Crown's status, second only to Kai.

[obeyme-lost-thought]

The regret of a Father

Don't expect a lot from this fanfic. I just cry on myself while i write it.

What if Lucifer had a child with Mc, and for some reason he neglects them ? And if the child die? What will do Lucifer?

Always remember: the ending isn't what we want, but what she need.

Good reads

1320 words all chapters , previous part

Chapter 1: Why is he here?

The demonic year 6,662,023 runs, the throne is King Diavolo, the third ruler in the history of the Devildom. Under his leadership, hell has undergone a multitude of changes, most of them for the better.

The news of the day in the “3worldpaper” newspaper, run by one of the king's various friends, reports the latest news regarding the 3rd edition of the exchange student programme. A comparison of the progress of the program in all 3 kingdoms is also proposed.

Why do I care about all of this? Simple. I'm a 17-year-old girl who found 2 demons in her school. No one suspects who or what the new students were, but I couldn't help but notice all their quirks. At first, they couldn't stand the sun; they looked badly at the religious at the school entrance who invited the boys to their church; perfect grades in history and terrible in other subjects. But the problems don't end there. If they are freaks, the real weirdos are the 2 angels who arrived with them. They help everyone regardless of the consequences they might suffer. We are talking about teenagers who exploit anyone who offers themselves to them, they are certainly not people who have a supreme good as their purpose.

Essentially, the 4 exchange students are interfering in my daily life. I could ignore them, of course, but I can't close my eyes when the few friends I have get caught up in their own problems. And so, I found myself being "friends" with them, hiding that I know who they are.

I'm a simple, innocent human who was forced into something I really wanted to avoid. For this reason, without wanting to say how, I'm reading a newspaper distributed in all 3 worlds, looking for news on the general progress of the exchange program.

The best news of all is that it is about to end, the worst is that those responsible for the festivals held in schools for the end of the year will be sent. This means that more angels and demons will arrive for 1 week.

New goal: Participate as little as possible in the festival.

Ro'ze: “Rory, Rory. We have to think of something to present within the next week”

Dantha: “ZE! Don't annoy Aurora more than fair. If you want to be part of the festival that doesn't mean she has to too… although it would be great if we all did something together."

And here are the two demons

Isda: "Dan, yours are nothing but sweet words spoken to manipulate her into agreeing to help you"

Samael: “Never change”

And we conclude with the angels.

Ro'ze: "If you don't want to participate, just say so. I don't need her to do it"

Aurora: "Oh no! I'll help you"

Objective 1: Failed. New objective: prevent these 4 from dealing damage.

Aurora: "I don't have many ideas on what we could do, but count me inside"

Isda: "Since Ro is participating, I'll have to join too to avoid doing something that could harm her".

Dantha: "I hear a hint of sarcasm in your voice."

Isda: "I never lie, not even joking."

While the 2 girls continue to tease each other, the angel boy sits next to me on the bench in the schoolyard.

Samael: "What were you reading before we disturbed you?"

Of course, I had carefully hidden the paper at Ro'ze's first cry of my name.

Aurora: A newspaper they left here. No interesting news.”

Samael:” The strange thing is the very fact that a person reads a newspaper. Now with telephones etc”

Aurora: "Whoever left him here must have been an old man"

I sincerely hope that he believes my lie without asking too many questions.

Ro'ze: "Oi, Rory, what are you good at?"

Saved from a demon.

Aurora: "I can do a little bit of everything, but I'm better at playing the piano"

Dantha:” But it's perfect! We can create a small band and have a concert on the final night of the school festival”

Isda: "Because obviously you can sing or play some instrument"

Dantha: “Don't screw it up. Ro on the piano, Ze on the drums, if I remember correctly you can play the guitar, I, contrary to what you think, play the bass and Samael on the microphone, so at home he has Raphael as guardian!”

Samael: “If you were wondering, Raphael is… my brother let's say”

Aurora: "You mentioned to me that you had so many brothers and sisters"

As we continue to talk about what to do for the festival, the bell rings and we part ways.

In the last hour I have math and physics. No time to get into class, my classmates start praying that I pass them the homework. There's no subject I'm not good at, or in general there's nothing I can't do.

I learned everything there is to know for him.

The long hands make a full turn and so the school day comes to an end. With the backpack on my back, I walk towards the exit, where I meet Ze and Sam.

Samael: "Hello"

Aurora: Hi! Do you need something?"

Ro'ze: "We wanted to know when you have the afternoon free for rehearsals."

Aurora: "I've already finished all the important questions for this year, so I'm always available"

Ro'ze: "Ehhhh. Where do you find the time to take care of the student council, homework and the band”

Aurora: "Maybe I'm perfect"

Ro'ze: "What kind of perfection are we talking about? Scholastic, emotional…”

Aurora: "If you are perfect in specific fields, you simply become good"

Samael:" I hear pride in your voice-"

Aurora: "No."

…

“Tell me about everything, except that I sin of pride”

Samael: "Okay"

Ro'ze realizes the situation is getting tense, so he takes Sam and me by the hand and starts dragging us only he knows where.

Ro'ze: "As nobody is busy, we can start rehearsals today too!"

The afternoon passes quickly. It doesn't look like there will be any setbacks for the performance and that means the end of my torment is becoming more and more real. Everyone adapts quickly to the needs of the group.

Hours turn into days and a week goes by quickly. The last thing we need is approval from a professor. Dantha and I being the most convincing with words, we act as spokespeople for the group.

Friday; 4.30 pm; two girls are waiting in front of the door of the teachers' room.

They let us in. A good 10 minutes of negotiation to get us accepted at the festival. We succeed, but at a bitter price.

For the new week, I will have to lead the representatives of the other schools participating in the exchange program. Obviously the others will also help me, coming from their schools.

Aurora: "Do you have any idea who will come as a representative?"

Dantha: "Completely not"

And so it is, that an unknown future lies ahead for me.

The weekend finally passes, thus starting the last week of school. What I never expected is that it would be the worst of my life.

I walked to the presidency with the 4 weirdos to meet the representatives. In the morning I had a bad feeling. While brushing my brown hair I started to cry for no reason. My mother rushes to figure out what was wrong, concluding that it was just a moment of stress.

Too bad it was all a warning for what I was going to see; or who I would see.

Hair black as the sky of hell. Eyes red like the blood boiling in my veins.

I'm starting to feel the breath. My heart races and my head starts spinning. I would like to vomit or more precisely, die. Death seems like a good escape to me.

God, is this a joke? Revenge on me?

Professor: "Aurora, welcome. The two of them are representatives of the other 2 schools. Meet Simeon and “

Lucifer.

Why are you here….

Vision keeps getting worse. Everything starts to get blurrier, until I feel like I'm going to pass out. Which I do, falling backwards onto someone.

Next chapter

[nuclearfaggot]

MISCOMMUNICATIONS SMP🔥🔥🔥

this was so interesting to read and i thank u for writing it!

I totally know that’s what sneeg meant by punching down, but Pangi didn’t just kill owen because he’s weaker then him. He killed him for the things he was saying about pili and himself, and pangi felt that sneeg calling “punching down” kind of erases what Owen was saying at all, as if it was nothing.

Ohhhh. the reds fault thing is so interesting. because like i said, the reason green helped red faction at all is because, very literally, Pili was the only one putting in the work and going out of his way to actually get those kills. Anyone else in the red faction has aligned them self, in one way or another, with another faction. or is just a “pacifist”. Without Pili, red faction would’ve gone down. He tried to join green, and bad & pangi tried to join red, but they were all denied every time.

Very true honestly, from what I know it’s because pili feels as though ros always acts so innocent like she’s done nothing? but u r very right there

Pili is just one of the weirdo killers like that. that’s what triple threat is ❤️ but also, i think pangi was annoyed because yellow faction still continuously ignores the core problem of the red faction. it wouldn’t have even been a 3 factions vs 1 faction, it basically would’ve just been the server against Pili. but he is also just Like That LMAO, so that’s fair

So I was watching the VOD of the duel and found something very interesting, the difference in perspective for the chats of Sneeg and Pangi

I will preface this by saying that the only povs i consistently watch are Phil, Fit and Sneeg, sometimes I watch other povs on certain vods (pangi, aimsey, tubbo, etc). But I do have a bit of a bias, and my conclusions are probably innacurate since I don't keep up with the other povs.

One thing I found interesting was the heckling during the fight, Pangi said that if the fight was so boring they could just not watch, while Sneeg said he had to. This is because: 1-It's content, the Arena was built for a reason, people want to watch something that's happening 2-This is a bit of spoilers for Sneeg's pov, but he wanted to kill Pili as revenge for Ros, but Clown wanted to kill Pili himself, so Sneeg was invested in seeing the result of that.

On the thing about Pili being disrespected, I only found out people think that when watching Pangi's pov??? When people said stuff like they would prefer if the battle was 2 mins, they were not saying that Clown would win, they were just bored after waiting for the battle to start, and since minecraft fights are not that visually impressive, they were ready for it to end when the first armor broke

Another thing on the confrontation post-battle, Pangi wanted to kill Owen for disrespecting Pili, but the kingdom did not seem to get that, they thought it was the same old Pangi, Bad and Pili picking fights with the kingdom for no apparent reason again (no apparent reason to the kingdom btw, they probably had reasons). Sneeg in particular is very confused by those three, since he's usually farming levels far from the kingdom, he only hears about their shenanigans from Ros, he also knows that Bad likes to start stuff for fun so he applies that to all three since they hang out together.

Sneeg, despite being confident on his abilities, doesn't want to fight for no reason, the only times he engaged in pvp was to protect a member of the kingdom. The point made by Owen there was that Pangi's capacity to kill Owen wasn't worth anything if Owen did not care about dying, but Sneeg does care about dying and doesn't want to risk a death over something silly.

Idk if this post made sense, I just wanted to write down my thoughts about trsmp, cuz I'm thinking a lot.

If someone who watches a lot of the Honeybadgers sees this, could you comment why they start stuff with the Kingdom and why they feel justified in doing so?/gen

Sneeg does very little lore so i feel very out of the loop

[omg-im-such-a-masochist]

BLUE IS MY FAVORITE COLOR

Prompt: When Roman and Y/N share a hotel bedroom, he will find a secret object she takes with her everywhere she goes. That very same secret, will take their friendship to a whole other level.

Word Count: Long-ish

Pairings: Roman Reigns x Reader

Warnings: +18, smut, power play (dom x sub), vibrator, masturbation (female), marking kink (by ejaculation), dirty talk

Editor: @thenightmareismyreality

Tag: @ziasaph , @marlananicole , @akiko-tanaka , @wickedsunfire , @sassymox , @nicolewoo , @saccreigns , @mindofasagittaruis , @reigns-5sos , @drewmcintyrekoccsrocbwdgfan , @auawdo , @lustyromantic , @babydee17 , @yungbludjazz360

Notes: If you’d like to check out my previous works, you can find them on my Masterlist 😉

We had finally arrived at the hotel room, and I couldn’t wait to just take a warm shower and sleep on a comfortable bed.

“I’m going in first” Roman screamed, as he ran towards the bathroom when I opened the hotel room door

“Like hell you are! What happened with the ‘ladies first’ rule?”

“I thought you were pro gender equality, baby” He teased

“Oh, you jerk! That’s not fair, let’s flip a coin”

“Really?” He raised an eyebrow

“YES! C’mon, choose: heads or tails?” I asked, taking a coin out of my pocket

Roman sighed heavily “Heads”

I flipped the coin and I groaned when it fell on his choice, which made him smirk as he took his shirt off

“No” I whined “Two out of three?” I begged

“Not a chance, babygirl” He laughed and entered the bathroom

I tugged on my hair out of frustration. I was tired, in a bad mood and turned on, which is a very bad combo!

Roman is my friend, one of my closest friends actually, but I’m a human being with human needs and a pair of eyes! He is a very handsome (and hot as fuck) man, and I may or may not sometimes (everyday) use my vibrator and think of him…

And no, I’m not thinking how he’s naked and wet in the room next door! I’m not thinking about how the water is dripping down his dark hair and tanned skin, or how his muscles contract as he slides the soap on his body, or how big his-

“Are you ok?” He giggled in front of me, making me stop my daydream

*And of course he’s wearing nothing but a towel around his hips! Send me to hell already, will you?* I thought to myself

“Y/N?”

“Huh?”

“Is everything alright? You have a funny look on your face” He tilted his head to the side

“Ummm..yeah! Just tired”

*Fuck, it is so unfair how hot he is! Now, I’m never gonna be able to sleep with this amount of sexual frustration. I need my vibrator and I need it NOW! But how am I supposed to get it, never mind USE IT, with Roman in the same room as me?*

“Y/N!” He yelled, which startled me, making me jump “Do I need to take you to the emergency room or something? You’re starting to scare me”

I shook my head “No, no. I just need a shower, a long shower” I said and quickly ran towards the bathroom, slamming the door

………………………

Roman’s POV

“Weirdo” I chuckled when the bathroom door closed

Grabbing my suitcase from the floor and placing it on top of my bed, I opened it to find Y/N’s clothes

“Great, I had to grab the wrong suitcase!” I said loudly and sighed

As I turned around to grab my bag, hers fell on the floor with a loud thump

*Fuck me* I thought to myself, as I stared at the pile of clothing on the floor

I began to put her clothes back in her suitcase, when a small bag caught my eye. It was a light blue bag with a little tag written ‘Roman’ on it.

“What the fuck is in this bag and why is my name on it?” I asked myself

I knew it was utterly wrong to open a bag that belonged to Y/N but I couldn’t resist the temptation of curiosity to know what was in the bag, and more importantly, why it was labeled with my name.

“It’s just a sneak peak, she won’t even notice” I said to myself as I opened the bag

I expected a lot of things, but I didn’t expect THAT!

“Well well well, aren’t you full of secrets Y/N?” I smirked, and the bathroom door opened

………………………

Y/N’s POV

I hummed softly as I made my way to my suitcase so I could grab some fresh clothes

“Do you mind telling me what is this about?” Roman asked as I combed my damp hair

“What?” I looked up to meet his gaze and I could swear my heart stopped beating for a few seconds

He was holding “my Roman”, otherwise known as my blue vibrator.

“Where did you find that?” I asked in a whisper

“Why does it have my name on it, Y/N?”

“Why were you touching my personal belongings?”

Roman cackled at my embarrassment “What’s wrong, Y/N? Don’t get all shy on me now, baby”

“Give it back, please”

“Did you buy a blue one because it’s my favorite color?” He tilted his head to the side

I held back my tears from embarrassment and said

“Please, give it back”

“Answer me first” He turned the toy on, and the light buzzing sound filling up the bedroom

“Isn’t the humiliation I’m going through enough for you?” I asked, not able to look him in the eyes

“Humiliation? I don’t mean to humiliate you, Y/N. I just don’t understand why would you buy this when you can have the real one instead?” He said and I looked at him

Roman smirked before continuing

“And to be honest, you could’ve bought something more faithful to the original product...I’m way thicker AND longer than this” He shook the toy in his hand “Would you like to see it for yourself, baby?”

I dumbly nodded in response

“I can show it to you...If you show me how good this little toy can make you feel” Roman stepped in front of me and placed the toy upon my lips “Will you do that for me, Y/N?” He softly asked and I nodded

“Will you do everything I say?”

“Yes, sir” I panted

“Good” He grinned “Now, open that pretty little mouth and suck, baby. Show me what you can do” He said and slid the vibrator inside my mouth

I made sure to relax my throat, so Roman could take the toy as far down as he wanted. I began to move my head further down, so the toy could reach deeper down my throat

“Deep throat, huh? Who would’ve thought that this beautiful angelic face is so fucking dirty” He smirked and took the toy out of my mouth

Yanking the towel off my body, Roman quickly placed the buzzing toy on my clit, making me gasp

“Look at that” He cooed “You look so beautiful” He whispered to himself

Pressing the toy harder against my clit, he asked

“Does it feel good, baby girl? Tell me”

But I could only moan loudly in response

I grabbed his thighs for support and unwrapped the towel around his hips, freeing his erection. I wasted no time and closed my fist around his length, spreading the pre cum all over it, so I could slide my hand up and down.

“Oh” He chuckled, amused “That’s how you wanna play, huh?” Squeezing my cheeks together, until my lips formed a pout, he continued

“Look at this pretty face” He smooched my lips “I bet you will look even prettier with cum smeared all over your face, wouldn’t you?”

“Please, Ro”

“I love a begging slut!” He smiled confidently, and pushed me down on the bed

“Roman” I sighed

“Beg me again” He said, with an icy tone in his voice

“Please, Ro, please give it to me” I whined

He smiled widely “What do you want, baby? Say the word”

“Please, give me your cock. I need it, inside of me, stretching me. Pl-“ I gasped, when his length began to slowly enter my core

He bit his lip forcefully “This pussy is so fucking good...Fuck”

My eyes were half shut in pure euphoria, with goosebumps taking over every inch of my skin as his lips were kissing mine

“How do you want it, Y/N?” He whispered

“However you want” I answered and he smirked

He kept a steady pace of deep and slow but suddenly changed to a fast and rough pace, just so he could return to the first pace of slow and deep and so it went on.

I could feel the all so familiar burning rising inside of me

“You’re gonna cum for me?” He asked

I moaned a ‘yes’

Roman adjusted our position, so with every thrust forward, his pelvis brushed against my clit.

Unable to hold back my orgasm, I came around him, coating his member with my release.

Soon after, I felt him throbbing inside of me

“Cum on my face” I smiled

Roman quickly pulled out and did as I requested

Licking one strand of cum that was dripping down my lips I giggled

“Yummy”

Roman laughed “You are wicked, young lady” Leaning down he kissed me passionately

“Wanna take a shower?” He asked, smiling

“With you? I would be crazy if I said no” I giggled

Scooping me up in his arms, he took us to the bathroom, where we managed to get more dirty than clean...

Please, if you’re comfortable with it, let me know your thoughts on this? Feedbacks are always appreciated 🥰😘

[twofrontteethstillcrooked]

ao3 writing tag

Tagged by @sailorsally -- whee! Thank you :D

Name(s): twofrontteethstillcrooked on ao3

Fandom(s): By quantity, Les Mis just edges out Black Sails, followed by whatever we're calling the Star Wars sequel trilogy. Have also dabbled in the MCU and Raven Cycle and have started dipping my toes into Superbat (i.e. Superman/Batman).

Where you post: Here and ao3

Most Popular One Shot (by kudos): Seedlings, which is a florist trope modern AU Silverflint for Black Sails featuring my favorite flavor of mutual pining, Both of These People Are Idiots. (...To be fair to Flint, he is slightly less clueless in that story than Silver is, not that this is saying much lol)

Most Popular Multi-Chapter (by kudos): hahaha I have exactly one (1) multi-chapter story, and I'm pretty sure you don't even have to read the second chapter unless you like smut. Anyway, it's Febrile Affairs, which is Silverflinthamilton canon-era fix-it fic. There are some germs in it, which surely makes it relevant to current events?

Favorite story you’ve written so far: You know, um, not to be a weirdo or by any means to say my writing is anything like perfect, but I really like everything I've written and posted. (The 'posted' part is key here.) I am lazy, so if I've written it and shared it, first and foremost I wanted to read it. Picking a fave is basically impossible. That said, it's been about a year since Rise of Skywalker dropped, and I've been missing Finn and Poe, so today my fave is the body, an interruption, which predates and therefore ignores RoS. :)))

Fic you were nervous to post: all of them???? yes

How do you choose your titles?: BADLY OH MY GOD SO BADLY

Do you outline?: oooof not in the way I feel like a credible uni professor would want me to. Sometimes I try to work out the beats of the story in a kind of outliney A-->B-->C way, but it's not like my stories tend to have intricate mysteries or action sequences or long heroic journeys. My versions of characters tend to nap a lot.

Complete: no lol

In-Progress: hrmmm

Coming soon/not yet started: YES? Two. There are still many, many days left in this month, right? {panicked look} Anyway, ur up next, Silverflint and Superbat. 

(not together) (although *whew* that would be a comborama for the ages) (Why do I feel like James Flint and Bruce Wayne would immediately start competing for grouchiest person in the room?)

Prompts?: no? But oftentimes @clenster says something and that sets me off :'D

Upcoming work you’re most excited about: I am excited about the possibility, slim though it may be, of having the brainpower to finish any other story or snippet this year. 2020: Wait, what do you mean it’s almost 2021?

Tagging: @beanarie, @fand0mfan, @sunoficarus, and anyone else who’d like to play

[heartofether]

Episode 2 - Special Dietary Needs TRANSCRIPT

[You can listen to the show wherever you get your podcasts, or go to our “Listen” page if you’re on desktop.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

Please state your message.

[THEME MUSIC AND INTRODUCTION PLAYS.]

VAL

Three-Eyed Frog Presents: The Heart of Ether.

[THEME CONTINUES BEFORE COMING TO A STOP.]

[PHONE BEEP.]

[INT./EXT. IRENE’S CAR IN THE GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT, EVENING.]

[THE SOUND OF A CAR DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING AS IRENE GETS INTO HER CAR.]

IRENE

[FRANTIC] Okay, okay. Look, I know what I said before about the recordings, but I—I had to get this down. I had to tell someone.

I was just at the store because I forgot to get garlic, right? Well, in the checkout line, there was this woman in front of me. [DOUBTFUL] She seemed normal, I think. 

Anyways, when I looked down the conveyor belt at her groceries, she was just buying…raw meat. Like, lots of raw meat. An unhealthy amount of raw meat. I know I’m vegetarian, but I promise this isn’t just me acting like I have some moral high ground. It was just more meat than people usually buy.

The cashier asked her what she was going to use it for. If she was trying to give a convincing lie, she could have just said, “Barbecue,” or, or, “Freezing it for later.” You know what she said instead, though? 

“Special dietary needs.” She just smiled, and she said, “Special dietary needs.” As if that explained everything!

The cashier asked if she had some sort of condition, or if she was doing Paleo, and yeah, sure, maybe this cashier shouldn’t have pried so much because that’s none of their business. But then, she said, and I quote “Don’t worry, I promise it won’t go to waste.” 

[PAUSE.]

IRENE

I’m not joking! Then she checked out and she left! Nothing else, no further explanation, she just bought her big load of meat and then she left. That’s it. Isn’t that the most absurd thing? That’s wild, right? This can’t just be me—even the cashier seemed freaked when I went up to buy my garlic. 

[QUIETER] …What could she possibly be doing with all that meat?

[THERE’S A PAUSE BEFORE IRENE STARTS LAUGHING.]

IRENE

[THROUGH LAUGHTER] God, that’s so fucking stupid. Why do I care about what this total stranger does with her—her meat? [LAUGH]

[EVENTUALLY, HER LAUGHTER DIES OFF. SHE SIGHS.]

IRENE

Damn, okay. I think I needed that. It’s been a long week, Rose.

Thank you? Um…bye. [GIGGLE]

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

[TIME SKIP: ABOUT AN HOUR LATER.]

[ANOTHER PHONE BEEP.]

[INT. IRENE’S DINING ROOM]

IRENE

The yellow mold is still there. Yesterday, it spread some. I’m not going to touch it, but I tried spraying some lemon disinfectant spray and that seemed to make it shrink a little. If nothing else, it helped with the scent, which is really only bad when you’re close to it, but still. 

The chair mostly hides it. I’m not too worried about it. As long as I stay out of the living room, it shouldn’t be a big deal.

Plus, I definitely don’t plan on having company over anytime soon. Carol and Aden are really the only people I have who are close to friends, and maybe our receptionist, Julia. You too, I guess, though I’m not sure if I can count you when you’re…

[A SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH] It’s no big deal. I’m not particularly trying to make friends right now, anyways.

Although, maybe it would do me some good to try and get involved with the town. If nothing else, it would help me get adjusted quicker. I’ve mostly just been going between work, home, and the store. Kind of a sad life, now that I think about it. 

[A PAUSE BEFORE THERE IS THE SOUND OF PAPER RUSTLING.]

IRENE

I actually picked up a free copy of the local newspaper at the store right before the meat incident. I’ve never really been one to read the paper, but it couldn’t hurt to look, right?

[THE SOUND OF IRENE TURNING A PAGE.]

IRENE

Let’s see…There’s a craft fair this Saturday. That sounds fun, right? It’s good to support local artists.

The Open Eyes Bookstore is having a 25% sale on all used books, so that’s nice. I’ve passed that store a couple of times, actually, so I might go check it out.

[MORE PAPER RUSTLING.]

IRENE

[OVERLAPPING WITH PAPER NOISES] Missing dog notice…soap ads…uneducated old person comic strip…

[PAPER NOISES STOP] Oh, wait, get this: “See anything? Know anything? Contact us: It’s for your own good.” Then, there’s a number.

[CHUCKLES] Seriously? That’s something out of a bad 90s sci-fi movie. It seems pretty serious, though. There’s no funny font or designs or anything, it’s just plain.

[TEASING] What should I call them about? The mold growing in my living room? The meat lady at the grocery store? [LAUGH]

Solid crossword in here, though, so at least there’s that. 

[SHE STOPS READING.]

IRENE

Oh yeah, and, about that thing I said about stopping the recordings: I think they might just start to trail off naturally, if anything. I mean, to be honest, they’ve become a habit for me? Just like how you’re ingrained into everything I do.

[SCOFFS] Maybe I should start therapy again.

Still, I think I might just stop having a need for them as time goes on. I know you’re not listening to this. From an outsider’s perspective, I’m just a weirdo talking into my phone a lot. I guess it’s just nice to pretend.

[THEN, SOFTER] It makes me feel like someday, you’re going to show up at my doorstep, and I’ll get to play you each and every recording to catch you up on what you missed.

It’s not going to happen, I know that. These recordings are a coping mechanism more than anything else. I hope one day, I don’t need them. Still, if I feel the need to talk, I’ll record something for you. For now, at least.

Goodnight, Ro— [SHE STOPS] Never mind.

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

Today’s quote is: “When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.”

Audre Lorde in The Black Unicorn: Poems, 1978*. 

[THEME MUSIC AND CREDITS PLAY.]

*In the original episode, the date said is 1995, but this is incorrect. The correct date is 1978.

[keyofshadows]

keyofshadows - Poor hungover Ronan

sstingray - "I've got this Soren, go make sure Eli's still breathing." - so, my first thought was "go look after your own boyfriend kai"

keyofshadows - Lmfao well god knows Soren probably makes those jokes, especially after Eli happily fills him in on the paopu incident. (Which would have led to Soren bribing Eli to take the Light Corridors to Destiny Islands to snag one for him and Ro.)

sstingray - frowns

only if ronan agrees, one must have consent before tying their destinies together

keyofshadows - Ronan's squeaking, of course he'd agree, he's going to marry Soren when he asks, tangled up destinies are even better does aunt Ray have any idea how he feels about Soren it's like a true love fairytale thing um hi. >>

sstingray - sighs, leaves the kids to their destiny entwining nonsense

keyofshadows - As she should. Ro takes all this destiny stuff Very Seriously. Watch his views on it pass on to Autumn Rose, and she's forever at Ray's telling her how she's going to marry a prince someday. If daddy and papa and her big brother let her, anyway. Kyanos thinks he's either Batman or a dragon, and papa just thinks it's funny. Soren wants to know why he shouldn't find it funny, his son's an overprotective little shit, it's the best thing. Three way parenting.

sstingray - aunt ray is too old for this

keyofshadows - Awe, but aunt Ray is never too old! The kids will keep her young! Or drive her insane, depending on who she's dealing with. Children to watch out for in that regard: Auryn and Kyanos. Everyone else knows how to mind their manners, how little of them they may have.

sstingray - ray: accidentally becomes immortal and has to put up with this forever

ray: god save me from this hell

goes to live with dragons in the mountains for ten years

keyofshadows - Ronan and Eli both have the Sad Face

sstingray - boys please, she'll come out for christmas and birthdays

keyofshadows - They want New Year's, Easter (even if the only part of that they celebrate is hiding eggs), and Halloween thrown in. Halloween is non-negotiable.

sstingray - ...that's fair.

keyofshadows - Also extra presents at Christmas /kicks Kai

sstingray - ok sure

pop quizzes for everyone

keyofshadows - He was thinking more along the lines of spell books, not reasons to write out a will.

sstingray - nah. they'll get that when she takes them all to star market

keyofshadows - Kai has heard about this Star Market. He has mixed feelings. On the one hand, awesome, usually impossible to acquire items. On the other hand, really unusual and sometimes creepy as hell methods of payment. And then there's the fact that he doesn't trust his rpg party to make their own deals without disaster following.

'Jem's sighing because she can just see something happening to Kai, so he's one to talk.

sstingray - hey aunt ray was making deals there before he even had a keyblade

keyofshadows - Okay, see, he trusts her. She can keep a leash on Soren and gag him so he doesn't say anything stupid. Eli wants to know if he's allowed to bring baggies of popcorn on this field trip, they're gonna need 'em.

sstingray - but kai

it could also

be funny

keyofshadows - He sees nothing funny about one of his friends or family owing some weirdo in a cloak part of their soul for a really nice dagger. Eli's sighing 'cause Kai really needs to relax. A vacation at the beach or in a library or maybe he just needs to get- and there was Ronan squeaking to death and throwing his hand over Eli's mouth because don't you dare finish that sentence Eli he'll tell your mother /facepalm

sstingray - cue aunt ray howling with laughter until she can't breathe

keyofshadows - Eli'd be all kinds of amused while Ro just dies and Kai excuses himself into a Corridor before he tosses the Epic Dork through one. He'll be back sometime before the next century.

sstingray - casually: so eli maybe you should take care of that then.

keyofshadows - Naw, he's waiting for 'Jem to break him in. He'll make his move after that.

sstingray - ok that's fair, smart move eli

ray taught him well

keyofshadows - Kai is doing so much Not Approving right now, this is not fair and you all suck. Also minds out of the gutter, thanks.

sstingray - "suck"

pun intended, kai??

keyofshadows - Mind out of the gutter

sstingray - finger guns

keyofshadows - He gives up. Just- keep an eye on the thug and his brother while he goes over here to check out these spell books and Eli stop draping on him, he's not a chair.

Eli will wisely keep his mouth shut because the next thing out of it will earn him a punt at least halfway across the market, if nothing else

[goodverbsonly]

The Last Jedi is a practice in nihilism, and I just...wish it wasn't.

This is a genuinely good novelization, even if personally, I want to see more than entirely possible into Kylo Ren's mind. I think if The Last Jedi wasn't the exactly opposite of what I was looking for in a Star Wars story, then I would have even really enjoyed this novelization. Alas, here we are, two and a half years later, and I am angrier about tlj than ever. To be honest, sort of as a disclaimer before I begin: I was completely ambivalent about tlj in 2018. There were things I liked (Yoda, Kylo Ren's hissy fit on Crait, The Nuns), and things I didn't like (Rey, Poe's attitude, the way the Resistance went from being an entire fleet on the heels of a "major victory" to 6 transport ships who had no contact from whatever remained of the Republic, seemingly abandoned); I even defended the plot - I thought it was perfectly precedented and in some ways, when executed well, I think a story about running out fuel and being saved at the last second is very good. Unfortunately, in this novelization, it sort of dragged - especially knowing that Finn + Rose would ultimately be unsuccessful. That, coupled with inisight into the characters, bring this book from a 4 to a three star read. (Also, and I'm going to talk about this moment in a second - towards the end, Finn reflects that DJ will have to learn the hard way eventually that not choosing a side in the face of evil will only hurt him in the long run, and this would be fine, if it was: Finn reflects, and realizes that was what he was doing, and he cannot do it anymore, INSTEAD OF Finn reflects, and pats himself on the back for not doing this anymore - anymore being, he must have had this realization in the lat 30 minutes). So the good of this novelization stands out to me in a couple of key sections: the beginning and the end. The novel opens with (view spoiler). This section is beautifully written, references characters from ANH who have been written out of the movie, and is thematically relevant to Luke's journey in tlj. I had high hopes that the rest of the novel would move me in the same way that the prologue did. The end covered both the boy from the end of tlj who uses the Force (the moment that tricked me into thinking I enjoyed the movie), and also the NUNS!!! I was so excited about the NUNS???? I love them! Wish this whole book was about these alien space nuns!!! and their relationship to the Jedi!!! and the Force!!! I know that's ridiculous, but wow. And also, it is well written, I think Jason Fry might be trying to refute some of the nihlism that occurs in tlj, and it's engaging for the most part. Wish I liked the story so I could give this book it's due. Okay, to be fair, this isn't my idea: my phil professor last spring was like: Yo, was it just me or was tlj wack? Like...nihilism (this is NOT a direct quote! and only half an idea, he almost immediately moved on with the lesson, realizing we did not have the time to start dissecting this movie, and so idk how he really comes down on it, but I've been thinking about it for the last year, and FINALLY, I've got it! I know what he was saying). There's one section that could have been really really cool if it didn't absolutely stand against everything that I believe Star Wars is about and it turned out to irk me, ticked off every single star wars nerve I have: In the Throne Room Scene, Snoke reflects on the beginning of the First Order and the Fall of the Empire: 1. Palpatine was planning a Contingency and this eventually turned into the First Order. 2. Oh we're doing: Palpatine was An All Knowing God again (if we recall this was my problem with tLords of the Sith) and it was Luck that Vader was able to stop him and not Palpatine's hubris. Boy does this SPIT in the face of the Original Trilogy (not to mention the prequels, which is really what I care about) - Luke didn't really save Vader and the Galaxy - Palpatine knew that the Empire would have to end so he started the First Order (known to him as the Contingency) to not only replace the Empire but to weaken it. Oh this makes me SO angry! Palpatine doesn't have any flaws (except that he's evil, I guess, but this isn't really a flaw as much as like, A Character). He is undone simply by the Will of the Force, not because he is, at the end of the day Human. Really minimizes Luke's impact, and I'm beginning to see why people were Big Mad at tlj now. Although, I don't think it was about this. 2b. is like...I guess they knew they were going to work Sheev back into the mix somehow, unforunate that Snoke is like...a Sheev clone or something. Still unclear about ros tbh. Glad the st is continually retconning itself in an attempt to show off. 3. In addition to it being just...an illconcieved mess, this is just...the villain believes in Nihilism, he believes in Will to Power, and there is just no solid refutation of this philosophy. I'm not saying that there needs to be for other people to find value in this story; I think tlj and the sq as a whole come down pretty heavy on the side of Neitzsche - the only refutation being that they are going to make themselves into powerful people through the power of love, but a) I do need a more solid refutation to find value in it, and b) I just don't think that's star wars. I do think there is a struggle between the light and the dark, but I don't thinks star wars had historically taken a stance of: the dark will always triumph. I don't think star wars works with that philosophical assumption, so tlj, which really wants to take that sort of position, has to shift and say: the darkside is always out there trying to squash out the light, and if we don't meet it on it's own terms (vie in the Power struggle of the universe), then it will overpower. This is seen in Palpatine manufacturing the Empire's own undoing in the Contingency, NOT JUST the rise of the First Order. This is The Resistance Fleet (a military organization) being specified to be a Weirdo But Brave Group of New Republic Defectors (or something) because the New Republic wouldn't take the First Order seriously (but if Palpatine built it, of course there was no chance) becoming nothing more than six transport ships with no one else in the galaxy at their side - no one except themselves, and they have to Fight, as Finn says. This is seen in Luke INSISTING that he can't save Ben. >:| Sir, you saved Darth Vader, I think you can save Ben Solo! The ending of the ot was the exact OPPOSITE of this stance: Luke does not fight Vader, he does not give in to his hatred. In fact, the rotj novelization specifies that Luke doesn't save Vader because he loves his Father but because he is a Jedi and it's the right thing to do. If Vader saving Luke "undoes" his mistake from rots, then uhhh...Luke wanting to burn down the tree with the Jedi Order undoes THAT sacrifice. Luke sacrifices himself to give the Resistance more time, but I've decided that you were all right: Luke should have had a better end, no matter how much it moves me when I see it. I think it's a trick. I think so much of this movie is a trick!!! . Also: I think Rey is overpowered and her connection to Ben and her connection to the Force is contrived. I don't like how little time she spends with the rest of the Resistance, I think there are too many characters. And that little boy gets too much credit for what Rian Johson was trying to say about Star Wars or the Force, especially since if it was about "democratizing the Force" as I read one reviewer describe it, uhhh, sir, the Force already is like that, please watch a Prequel I BEG of you! The above isn't really Jason Fry's fault, but I've never felt so clear and confident about why the st doesn't engage me until I finished reading this book. All in all: If you like tlj this is Good and I think You'll Really Enjoy this, but this review details why I didn't

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Tommy

Ali: Now on the coach Ali: How's Ro been? Ali: Tried to give her as much space as poss Tommy: I'll give it a minute before I let ma know, yeah? Give you some space too like Tommy: Proper shut down. Standard Tommy: She ain't said a word to none of us Ali: Cheers Ali: Been a fucking event, don't think even Ma can top the drama but not dying to find out Ali: I thought as much 😟 Ali: I don't think there's much to be done but be there when she's ready though, right? Ali: idk, plenty of friends cried on these shoulders but never Ro over this, its new ground Tommy: You're alright Tommy: I reckoned as much when she flew home Tommy: Like I've been in with tea but I'm blatantly juggling cups and nothing else Tommy: She ain't about my efforts Tommy: Offered to dance battle him and she didn't even laugh Ali: Tah for being tea boy though, more necessary and appreciated than it might seem when she's catatonic Ali: to be fair, that isn't funny, babe 😜 Tommy: Giving it a go Tommy: x 2 like Tommy: oi I'm well funny Ali: 💚 Ali: hmm Ali: i hope that's not your aim w this theatre school lark Ali: standup you ain't Tommy: Laugh it up or you ain't getting your welcome home cupcakes honey Tommy: 🌟 baker I am Ali: tears of a clown baby bro Ali: 'cos bet mary berry herself didn't whip up anything for your arrival only days previous Ali: that's da Ali: mum is OBVS paul Ali: the accent, the blue steel, the unnecessary harsh judgment Tommy: 😂 Tommy: The cupboards were bare before yours truly showed up to help with the big shop Tommy: Working my ballet body without rest here Ali: wanna have a fab summer not a flab one darling Ali: only thinking of all the money they ain't had to put into your training #datscholarshiptho Tommy: Put your claws away if you ain't aiming them at a diff blonde lad Tommy: That'll be why I'm shameless fave not cause none of yous are about Ali: seriously don't Ali: he better square up when we're in that car park Ali: if the teachers don't get him first...you won't believe the fucking scandal blatantly occurring rn Ali: obvs 😘 'til Bea and Fraze become the big ballers they wanna be and start paying it back Ali: all 'bout that dolla Tommy: if you heard that lad, gotta post up 🥊 Tommy: someone better smack that cunt Tommy: Spill it sister, how is he on worse behavior? Nearly a proper skill at this point Ali: I plan to Ali: just followed Carly into the fucking cupboard bog, like Ali: in what world are you not getting caught Ali: we're in a fucking tin can Tommy: ERRR Tommy: Your Carly? Tommy: she can do better Ali: I been telling her Ali: best believe Ali: can't drag her out like time out bitch Ali: he's a disease s2g Ali: every fucking girl I know Tommy: 💔 not about that for her Tommy: Every girl except you? 🤔 suspect Ali: nah Ali: don't need to tell you he treats her like shit, duh Ali: ☕ Tommy: let me at her inbox tbh Tommy: not having this Tommy: she's a cutie Ali: do it Ali: meddlin' gay who smugly knows best defs a better stereotype than jealous ex Ali: 😣 no tah Tommy: Valid Tommy: Your eyes ain't gone green though, have they? Tommy: If this is a triangle, or love square tell me now bitch Ali: Bitch Ali: how dare you do me down like that Ali: Nah, I just want her to be happy Ali: and ain't happening with that cunt Tommy: Don't you reckon she knows that Tommy: She was happy with you but that went how it went maybe she's not looking for it to be like that again Ali: Oh, so I just let her fuck her life up Ali: polite smiles from the sideline like SOOOOO happy for you babes, what a man! Ali: Pfffft 😒 Ali: be a better gay Tommy: Nah but putting yourself out there for the real shit is such a THING Tommy: I get it Ali: So dramatic the lot of you Ali: not gotta get a pug and a mortgage Ali: if you ain't going out there tryna be happy every day every way Ali: what's the point Ali: a madness Tommy: Maybe she's all out of trying after putting up with your high maintenance arse for so long ☕ Tommy: 😂 Tommy: Nobody's bringing their best for that basic fuckboy Ali: 🖕 piss off hair product Tommy: Like you take any less time putting together your 'effortless' lewks you faux hippie Tommy: Don't be coming for my crowning glory Ali: Bleurgh Ali: forgot how much of a bitch you were Ali: when you going back again? 😘 Tommy: We've all seen you #bringitforberlin Tommy: Not that I'm jealous nah Tommy: But how was it? Drama aside Ali: 👼 Don't push me down the stairs, watching my back now like 👀 Ali: It overshadowed everything lowkey but yeah Ali: still ace Tommy: You'll bring it back around when you flatten Drew Ali: 🍑👏 him Tommy: 👑 Tommy: what are we gonna do about Ro and Carly though? 🤔 Must focus Ali: soz, my booty has that affect Ali: but seriously Ali: I am fresh out of ideas... Ali: maybe he's like Samson and we need to give him a buzzcut Ali: break the spell Tommy: or shove a bowl on his head and ✂ Ali: ain't far off Ali: ☕ it ain't that cute a cut Ali: its just shiny and blonde, snap out of it ladies! Tommy: Honestly Tommy: Meena got all the looks and that's the tea Ali: Oooooooooh! 😉 Ali: No argument tho even if you're 😍 Tommy: SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU TALK TO ME ALISON Tommy: She's just better than him very HIGHKEY Tommy: Take it up with our man JC Ali: 😂 Ali: Bless Ali: so sweet Ali: and finally Ali: a matrimony we can all get behind Tommy: excuse me he made me and her both queens Tommy: too fabulous for your hetero baiting of the audience Ali: sure jan Ali: can't fake that chemistry Ali: told you, you're a shit actor Tommy: Take a step back Marsha if you don't want me coming for your weave Tommy: You reckoned on your ex a few back? Marlene would blatantly kill Drew no questions Ali: 💅💄 jealousy's a disease, get well soon bitch 😷 Ali: now you gay baiting! Tommy: 😂 Ali: Let karma sort him out Ali: Ro's well out of it Ali: Carly, I hope, knows what she's doing, even if I don't fuck with it Ali: he ain't gonna 💔 Tommy: Yeah Tommy: Still, drink and debrief when you get home? Tommy: I wanna hear how the teachers throw down Ali: fosho Ali: dog or you SO 100% G.A.Y. now you refuse to go anywhere that ain't flying at least 2 rainbow flags at all times? 😉 Tommy: 🌈 or bust Tommy: not gonna be Ro's scene but if you wanna bring Carly that cunt isn't gonna set foot in such hallowed ground Ali: A different concept for scared straight but I'm with it Ali: I'll ask her Ali: got a party dress I didn't get to debut, gotta save something for the home crowd, like Tommy: I'd watch THAT show Ali: wouldn't we all Ali: so much teen mum to catch up on, you best not have watched it without me! Tommy: Not trying to get struck down ta Tommy: That fury's all for Drew Ali: unless you've deleted all the recording like ur burning after reading, you're alright kid Tommy: Honey I know what's holy Ali: thank God someone does Ali: Drew getting kicked straight to hell and off this bus if he don't chill Tommy: They still going? Tommy: Ugh Ali: Nah Ali: Laoise and her crew dobbed, which fair enough literally no one needs it, doubt they got started before the teachs' were yanking them out Ali: if they had handcuffs Drew would be chained to his seat rn no lie Ali: citizen's arrests and full-scale riot behaviour going down rn from everyone slating Carly Tommy: omhg Tommy: I hope someone's streaming Tommy: Gonna send my girl 💚🍀 Ali: no doubt Ali: reckon we might have to make an emergency stop Ali: couldn't even make the trip home Ali: really lads REALLY Tommy: And I thought my school was full of drama queens and kings Tommy: Christ alive Ali: honestly Ali: got nothing on the common people Ali: i'm so over it Ali: gonna knock myself over the head in a minute so i don't have to deal Tommy: I'd suggest a sing song but don't reckon that'll cut it Tommy: Call me a bad gay again but Tommy: Never hear you over the war cries like Ali: 😂 if there was ever a moment for kumbaya Tommy: If they'd let you keep your 🎸 you'd be thriving Tommy: Yeah I heard about that casual confiscation Tommy: Weapon in more ways than one though, lads Ali: THANK YOU Ali: how we gon' play for peace now Ali: gonna have to get real happy clappy Tommy: 👏stop👏 slutshaming👏 carly👏 Tommy: End with a mexican wave that knocks that cunt out Tommy: She alright? Tommy: I just saw a flash of Ro, safe to say she ain't Ali: I mean, as much as they're all just using this as an excuse to do that Ali: lowkey have a point on this one Ali: why here and why now Ali: its disrespectful Tommy: Talk to her Tommy: Someone's clearly keeping Ro in the loop somehow, is that likely to be her? Ali: Idk Ali: I don't think its her style Ali: she isn't doing it to be malicious to Ro but yeah, idk why she is Tommy: Is she proper 💘 on Drew Tommy: 'Cause lord Ali: How could anyone be Tommy: I have literally no clue Tommy: But Ro's not 💔 about her German accent or whatever Tommy: It's all about him so there's gotta be something we're missing Ali: Oh, that ain't about him Ali: about a lot of things but him being a vessel for her intimacy issues and insecurities is just one of 'em Tommy: So he could've been anyone? Score - 1 for Romeo Ali: Any dickhead who's not gonna make it real on his end and ruin the fairytale, yeah Ali: dime a dozen Tommy: ☕ Ali: safe to say he's fucked the narrative still tho Ali: although, has he? 'cos secretly feeds into the 'i'm wrong and strange' deal we all know is there Tommy: Savage Tommy: But accurate Ali: I know Ali: Die before I said it to her face, like but Ali: makes me worried if she needs to prove that theory right again he could make a reappearance Ali: everyone loves a bit of self-destruction Ali: can't judge but I am Tommy: Samsies Tommy: Fuck's sake Tommy: This family Ali: Rocky the only one with a healthy functioning relationship tbh Tommy: The realest Tommy: Even ma's met her match in ro rn though Tommy: She's lowkey freaking me out and I'm used to you weirdos Ali: Explain Ali: I've seen her at her freakiest, remember, so are we talking worse? Tommy: True maybe I'm just out of practice Tommy: Ghost like vibes catching me off guard Ali: We'll have to keep an eye on the food Ali: she doesn't eat much, and never in front of any of us now Ali: but I can tell when she's had something Ali: make sure we're not hungerstrike vibes again Tommy: I reckon she'll be alright-ish when you get home Tommy: Much as she ever is, you know Tommy: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Tommy: She's not gonna want to go to hospital or any of that shit Ali: Yeah, you're right Ali: I'm being dramatic, it's catching Tommy: 👑 Tommy: Bea will be if she sees her Tommy: Jesus take the wheel and spare me that Ali: 😬 Ali: can hear the 'I told you so' from here Ali: we're all thinking it but shh Tommy: Inside voices like we do at least Ali: Never know Ali: might be the motivation she needs Ali: Bea disappointment Tommy: Oh snap Ali: You know it works Ali: on Fraze too 😂 Tommy: 😂 Tommy: Yeah

[thirst-order-confessions-renewed]

this blog makes me kind of sad nowadays because it seems like most people who submit focus hardcore on TFA and RO. I've submitted a lot of non-those things (like prequels, og trilogy, comics, cartoons, etc) and it still feels to me like i'm a weirdo for not lusting after kylo or krennic or hux or some other cooler, newer character. Ahhhhh Idk im probably just being silly

Aw, it’s okay! To be fair, I wasn’t much of a fan of RO & I’ve always got a soft spot for the prequels (I just feel weird writing about them since they feel so universally hated orz...) 

You’re not weird at all anon, and we’re always more than happy to receive submissions for your baes! ❤️

[diaryofacrazypregnantlady-blog]

The journey begins...

Good morning to my fellow non-sleepers! For those of you who actually take the time out to read this, i hope you enjoy it. This is going to be my outlet of thoughts throughout my pregnancy because lord knows i have a lot of them. I am going to be honest and blunt. Please understand NOW that i am more then excited to be a mother, however i am terrifed. You may not like all the things i have to say so i decided to make this first entry i quick bio on myself so you know my baby is coming into a loving beautiful home and no further judgment can be passed. All about me... for now.... My name is Stephanie, and i am a wife to the most amazing man in the world. My hisband and i met in 7th grade, and started as friends. When graduating my husband decided to join the United States Army. He was deployed to Afghanistan where he served in Operation Enduring Freedom. We started dating officially when he first joined, after boot camp HE got the lovely opertunity to be stationed over in Germany, while i, being the lucky winner i am, got to stay home in the US of A. We spent 1 very long enlistment apart, following a move home where we were on our on from day 1 of his return. Before the deployment, at the ripe age of 19, we were wed. At the age of 20 (for myself) was when my perfect husband was sent home and we had to figure out how to be married and make in on our own. Skipping over all the gory details i will we refer to as the 'in-between years' we have been through an awful lot for such a young couple. However, in our 6 years of marriage not even as much as a pregnancy scare. Until the day... On one Friday night, some time after thanksgiving, i stopped at the drug store because o wasnt feeling so great for a few days now. Walking down the isles looking for a medicine to heal my awful sixkness, i happen to pass the at home pregnancy tests. Thinking to myself, huh, i picked one up along with some pepto to stop feeling like i was going to barf everywhere. Now, as stated before, we never as much as had a pregnancy scare, this i mean a true scare with missed periods and all. I, of course, being a married woman of 6 years have certainly taken my fair share of pregnancy tests, more for the thought of it. So when i arrived home my husband did not think much of it, being that i am a weirdo and have done this before. Now, before you get all 'you didnt take the test at the right time' blah blah blah on me, please understand this was more of a 'i am sure i am not prego and is mostly for my reassurance' kinda test. I went into the bathroom, took the test, washed my hands, took some of my trusted pepto, and beushed my teeth while that baby was developing. I glanced down when going to rinse my mouth and saw it. The 2 light little pink lines. Of course i thought, no way, so i showed my husband who began to hyperventilate and we pulled our shit together. If you have taken pregnancy tests before you know they come in a pack of 2, beings that i only used the 1 i still had 1 left over, however, we went to the drugstore and bought 2 more boxes, just incase that was a bad batch. The following morning i took 1, positive, next time i had to pee took another, again positive. Next time, positive, well you get my point here. Turns out, i am pregnant! The good... I am married to my true soul mate. Now, if you dont believe in soul mates then shame on you, stop reading this second, and go out to find your right person! We are amazing together and we will love this baby so much. We feel truly blessed and will do all we can to be the most amazing parents. The bad... We are best friends, and we both have a tendency to be selfish, especially with eachother. Due to our relationship complications in the very beginning hubs and i tend to have massive separation anxiety. We were not expecting this. I mean, we loved to practice and were not necessarily preventing it, but for 6 years we did a lot of practice and very little prevention. We. Are. Terrified. The ugly... Morning. Sickness. Let me tell you right now, if you are one of the lucky ass mofos who never had any type of morning sickness, please do us all true sufferers a favor, bask in your pregnancy heaven in your own damn mind and dont say it out loud. As someone who has had HORRIBLE morning sickness (i need to make a side note and say i hate that it is called MORNING sickness, its all day sickness. Calling it morning sixkness makes you feel like, 'oh well my morning is going to suck but at least i have the rest of my day to look forward to'. You dont. The entire day is ruined.) We HATE when people say 'that must be awful, i was never sick. Blood vessels in your face pop. A million bllod vessels around your eyes pop, your body hurts so bad, and 90% of the time, you puke up NOTHING. you work that hard heaving and popping a million blood vessels in your face for tou to throw up mucus. Morning sickness, you can go straight ro hell. In conclusion, for now, i may have been surprised. I may be terrified, tired, ugly, and exhausted, but my god. I can not wait to meet my baby.

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 7

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Rifftrax presents "Cool As Ice" --1991-- *Snow aka Justin Bieber gives Bella Swan goosebumps and crotch-rocket road rash.* 3 stars with riffing or running from zero to 1 star without

"Dumb and Dumber To" ---2014--- *Sloppy seconds.* 2 stars

VH1 --sneak peak-- "Suave Says" --2014-- *A "thrilling" inside look into the post music career, current evangelical motivational speaking venture, and wealthy domestic drama of a one hit wonder pop star from wayback in 1991. Gerardo aka Rico Suave.* 1/2 a star

"That's My Boy" (2012) *Topics like underage student and teacher sexual relationships and incest are dealt with maturely by Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, and Vanilla Ice. Of course not, but this isn't even creatively controversial or riotously raunchy in any remarkable way. It's just another formulaic Adam Sandler movie that hits all the same notes as usual.* either zero stars or 1 star

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- -The Comedy Network- (1998) *Bemused, pertubed, fumed. These are just a few of the reactions Tom illicits from anyone not in on the joke.* 2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of Laughing in the Dark *"Pick the right door, and you'll go free. Pick the wrong door, and there he'll be." He being a cigar puffing, nightmarish, funhouse clown.* 3 stars

"Housebound" ---2014--- *"An active mind in an inactive environment." The Brits make a superbly spooky mystery with dry and subtle humor.* 3 stars

"Chonda Pierce On Her Soapbox" (1999) *Folksy entertainment variety and jubilee from a real life Peggy Hill.* 1 star

Buckmasters -Young Bucks- "The Misadventures of Bubba" (1992) *Near fatal hunting accidents hilarity with a Jim Varney caricature.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

"Dancing Outlaw, Jesco White" (1991) & Jesco Goes to Hollywood (1994) *''Sorrow, hatred, and madness. '' "If you wanna get to heaven, you got to raise a little hell."* Heaven for Jesco is dancing at Elvis' star on the Hollywood walk of fame and guest starring on Roseanne or huffing fumes.*        3 stars

Fargo: The Crocodile's Dilemma *"What's the policy? See, I'm sort of a student of institutions." Billy Bob Thornton can play indifferent malice like no other.* 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Sofa *Lord Snooty's couch, club card, co-opting of other people's conundrums, and crisis 'cause he can't stand to be cuddled.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

12:01 Beyond-- Christmas Special 2014 -------------------------------

*World Friendship Society - Please Just Go (music video)* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Le Passage (movie trailer): More badass than Home Alone and Rambo.*          3 stars

*Lobo for the charity "Socks for Tots" gently used socks for children at Christmas at the North Pole. Lonely odd socks for lonely odd kids.* 2 1/2 stars

*Ninja, the Mission Force: "Clam chowder can only mean a ninja challenge."*     2 1/2 stars

*Lobo argues the Holiday Blues with his potted plant, Ms. Mittens.*         between 2 & 2 1/2 *

*Fleischer Studios - Superman - The Arctic Giant: A kaiju nearly destroys Metropolis and swallows Lois whole.* 3 stars

*Treevenge: sentient x-mas trees turn the tables on crass Christmas celebrations and begin tearing the merry folk to shreds.* 3 stars

*Lobo fills holiday stockings full of leftover Halloween Candy.* 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo meets Ro-Man the Robot Monster from the 1950s B sci fi movie, at the north pole, and suggests he kidnap Santa Claus.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Reverse Pharmacology: Incredibly hilarious imagined symptoms of a placebo taken by medical test subjects under lab conditions.* close to 3 stars

*Pueblo Sleep Solutions presents 'The Bedtime Bruiser' (commercial)*               2 1/2 stars

*Don't Open Till Christmas (movie): Scotland Yard is on the case of serial slayings of Santas.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo gets an 8 track player for X Mas* 2 stars

*The Lobo (DC Comics character, not the guy from the 12:01 skits) Paramilitary Christmas Special: The Easter Bunny hires the meanest bounty hunter in the galaxy to hunt down and take out the fat man and his elves.* 3 stars

*Sleigh Runner: The Communist tradition of Christmas is put to an end by a Eastern European Rob Zombie lookalike cowboy killer.* 2 1/2 stars

*Happy Holidays to all the fans of the New Mission Impossible (tv series).*          3 stars

*"This Christmas forget milk and cookies. He wants blood." TWo Front Teeth (low budget movie trailer). The elves in this flick look pretty nightmarish and the characters, especially the black cowboy, look interesting. Interest peaked.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures Serial -The Crimson Ghost- Chapter 3- The Fatal Sacrifice:  The Crimson Ghost's hideous high wire act.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*The metal band HEMI perform the song Dust to Dust live in a club.*           close to 3 stars

*Neon Harbor presents Space Ninja the animated movie: A cyber dystopia mixed with feudal Japan. technology and swordplay eyecandy-gorgeous must see for me.* 3 stars

*Ro-Man mistakenly beheads Santa for Lobo who claims no responsibility for the death of the mythical character.* 2 1/2 stars

*Action International Home Pictures presents the "Gruesome Holiday shocker." "Elves" starring Grizzly Adams (retro movie trailer)* 3 stars

*Vinegar Syndrome presents on Blu Ray "You Better Watch Out" aka "Christmas Evil": And they've added a beautifully twisted painted portrait of the movie's tragic hero on the box art.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tales from the Crypt: The Ventriloquist's Dummy *Pathetic weirdo and hack ventriloquist comedian Bobcat Goldthwait's idol Don Rickles isn't really a retired, bitter legend of ventriloquism. He's actually a prisoner of his own responsibility to keep his beautiful-woman-hating, conjoined twin freak brother from ever killing again.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Deadline ----------

*Writing obituaries does seem like the typically morbid Summer job that a Springwood teenager would have.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Springwood, where suicidal teenagers wish they were dead so that they can be reunited with their ghost bff(s) and douchebag, ponytailed dreamlovers.*      2 stars

---------------------------------------------

Red Shoe Diaries: Safe Sex *A smooth talker brings a sad, vulnerable business professional lady in out of the rain, and she still makes him wear a raincoat in bed. So, so, softcore stories sent in to a personal ad's post office box and then picked up and retold by shadowy anywhere North America David Duchovny character, which is nice trimming for the show, but damn is the sensitive lite soul torch singing background music awful. I prefer a cheesy, solo saxophone over this -Lifetime For Women lyrics- boner killing tripe.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Brian De Palma's "The Black Dahlia" (2006) *I'm a sucker for Los Angeles noir settings, slaughtered pretty girls like Laura Palmer, and conspiracy art like Alan Moore's From Hell.* 2 1/2 stars

Transparent: season 1 -episode 1 *Three self absorbed siblings can't see past themeselves enough to be aware of their father for what he truly is and themselves for what they might actually be. The conservative side of me wants to say that this is more of liberal Hollywood's agenda to undermine traditional America by saying everyone secretly wants and would be happier with an alternative lifestyle. Also, I can't remember the last time I saw so many aesthetically interesting (not exploitive or trying too hard to be sexy) glimpses of comfortable nudity.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Cyrano DeBraniac *"The savage game of sexual attraction" requires all of one's synapses to be firing and it doesn't hurt to have a time and space manipulating genie, who's also sexy, to unzip Einstein's undead brain out of the fourth dimension.*             2 1/2 stars

Thundarr the Barbarian: Den of the Sleeping Demon *A pair of clumsy junior adventurers, and their huge bird friend, help rebury a genetic research monstrosity that was given a high voltage reawakening.*      3 stars

--- Swamp Thing: The Dark Side of the Mirror

*Everyone in this town is so stupid and easily manipulated that Arcane could have probably just walked up to the new determined district attorney, at dinner in a fancy restaurant, and shot him in the head, instead of genetically mutating the musclebound moronic deputy into a Swamp Thing double assassin.

The town formed an extremely enraged mob, in a matter of minutes, and even the longest running protagonist human characteron the show (Jim's mom) is willing to throw her morals aside for blind vengeance.

Thank goodness Jim's brother Will, the new female lead Kari Wuhrer, and Swamp Thing are decent characters.

I'm glad for the upgrade from Jim to Will. Will is a better character and it gives the show more of an adult cast and less of a Timmy fell down the well and needs to be saved, each week, routine.

Still, some of the acting is low quality from the extras.

Feels like they used the stunt man from the fight scenes to do the lines, to save money, when it would have been better to switch him out for a real actor.*

between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

--------------------------------------------------

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 17 *A wild goose chase for the legendary Mothman. The leader of PRS probably doesn't realize how much he comes off like X Files' Fox Mulder as he keeps repeating the phrase "I want to believe."* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Sentry *"Don't linger in the shadows." It will "rile the bile" about lizard-men living deep within the earth where corporations and shadowy government organizations are storing their darkest secrets. The most daring reporter,ever, of tabloid monster mysteries makes his last (documented) stand down there.* 3 stars

"Room 237" (2012) *"The past doesn't exist." But film historians, and fans, are still dissecting the ghost of Stanley Kubrick and the symbolic filmic events surrounding the almost mythical Overlook Hotel.* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "Conquest" (1983) *Cro-Magnon man was ruled by a cruel dominatrix / naked lady performance artist / new-age goddess, along with her band of fanatical furries. That is until Ronnie James Dio & Luke Skywalker changed things. Conquest establishes itself apart from other low budget and dumb sword & sorcery flicks, of the early 1980s, with its dreamlike aesthetic and gore-crazy practical special fx.*   between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Begotten" (1990) *Imagine a super 8mm National Geographic hallucination of twitching, early 20th century mental patients being tortured and abused in the ruins of a 19th century pastoral southern gothic wasteland lurked over by pre-modern-civilization tribal sacrificial rites that are even more hellish and nightmarish than actual pagan practices predating contemporary times. Black mold on the walls of farmhouses with sun peeled paint and holes in the tin roof where the sound of dripping rain and viscus is constant on rusting metal surfaces that lie just beyond open rock quarries crawled over by lepers, in rags, dragging shaved and mutilated Christ-like figures who spew black stigmata from their weeping eyes and mouths.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Taint Misbehavin' *A dying Dan Halen requires the citizens of Dougal County to join him in the paradise of the afterlife. Granny and Early get giddy because they mistakenly believe they're going to a resort town in Tennessee, when they're actually heading for the ancient Egyptian land of the dead.* 2 1/2 stars

Workaholics -2015 Season- --preview trailer-- *Some Comedy Central money went into a 2 minute parody of the new Mad Max movie, popular crime tv shows like Sons of Anarchy, strippers, bullet porn fx, and "cool" explosions.* close to 2 1/2 stars (for the misguided effort)

Hannibal: Apéritif *The mongoose meets the cobra.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The House of the Seven Gargoyles *An icy fate for an acrobatic dwarf creeping around a castle posing as a gothic statue and trying to choke his unsuspecting victims.* 3 stars

Dr. Who (4th Doctor - Tom Baker): The Android Invasion *A Benedict Arnold astronaut returns from being lost in space, now brainwashed by aliens carrying a shipment of human replicants and a deadly virus.* 3 stars

Farscape: Jeremiah Crichton *Crichton becomes a castaway on green planet inhabited by a tribal, and somewhat peaceful people, although there is some jealousy when the daughter of the chief becomes smitten with Crichton. After spending part of a cycle looking for Crichton, Rigel and Dargo find him all scruffy and weather beaten. In a Return of the Jedi C3PO twist, Rigel is the tribe's prophesized messiah and the three must save these exiled, forced by forcefield to be primitive people, or else be sacrificed themselves due to stupid politics and a conspiracy of priestly hierarchy.* 3 stars

Bob & Margaret: For Pete's Sake *Bob's brother is a pretentious tv chef, and when he gets a gig in India, Bob and Margaret have to look after his two annoying brats.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Dark Music *The power to control demonic forces, living in the root cellar, lies in the sounds on the radio. A tired of being picked on paperboy uses this knowledge to payback the scummy metal-head bully next door and his mean, little sister.*       3 stars

"The Initiation of Sarah" (1978) *This feels like a hazy 70s tv movie version of Carrie the college years. Two sisters pledge and go through the occult like Greek sorrority ceremonies. The good looking one gets picked by Morgan Fairchild's meangirl sisters and has to be cruel to the other. The timid one has her telepathic powers exploited by a witch wannabe Shelly Winters in the rival plain Jane house complete with a maze backyard.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

---Thrashin'--- (1987) *Square jawed Josh Brolin is too straight laced to be taken seriously by skatepunks in the 80s L.A. skatescene. The leader of a gang of Lost Boys also wants Brolin to stay away from his out of town and just visiting, Idaho pretty tomato younger sister. It hits all the right notes for an 80s extreme sports fun adventure flick.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Fitting Punishment *A cheapskate ghetto mortician is willing to cut corners no matter the cost to human decency. He embalms using dirty tap water. He buys cheap coffins from China. He clips out the gold and silver teeth of the deceased. He even blames his orphaned nephew for being a financial burden and cripples him, then sells his Air Jordans to pay medical expenses. When that's not enough, he murders him and saws him a foot shorter above the ankles so that he can stuff the boy into a cheap coffin for Chinamen.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Film At Eleven *Llama stolen from the zoo and almost used in a slumland apartment voodoo ceremony. Cops style film crew documenting the precinct. Herman Dracula, alledged wannabe vampire. It's funny until he commits suicide in his private cell. Ballistics confirms that they've found the handgun used in the near fatal shooting of officers Renko & Hill. Relief comes with uncertainty. It's raining in the police station, the roof is leaking and everyone is getting the flu because of it. This show can't help but end on a melancholy note due to all the lingering emotions. Rollercoaster, as usual.* 3 stars

Tru Tv- --South Beach Tow-- --Bernice's Top 20-- *"Best of" countdown of fake reality show beatdowns by an angry black woman?* 1 star

Botched: Vagina Bomb! *The same network (E!) that encourages viewers to idolize trainwreck celebrities and their fake bodies, also exploits sick individuals who've butchered their own bodies in order to achieve that phony Hollywood dream. Of course this show is under the guise of "fixing" plastic surgery mistakes, but the client/patient usually receives even more body enhancements and still looks like a nightmare.* either zero stars or 2 stars

True Detective: The Long Bright Dark *Heathen homicide in a hick shit-haven where if one doesn't parrot the standard beliefs of others, and oddly speaks in a stream of consciousness like Cormac McCarthy, then one's peers tilt their heads and cock their ears like a confused dog in misunderstanding and disbelief.* 3 stars

---- New Year's Movie Marathon ---------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Time Runner (1992) *Spoilers, for The Force Awakens, ahead. Be Warned. Years after Return of the Jedi, Luke is having a midlife crisis and skynet is using star destroyers to blow up Los Angeles. So he travels back in time to the Washington Canadian border getting in ugly rental car chases with human looking alien Rae Dawn Chong and gunning down well armed baddies, along side the goofy deputy from Twin Peaks, & watching  their hilarious death throes. All while making sure Senator Palpatine can't prevent Seth Rogen and James Franco from nuking North Korea thirty years in the future. Make sense?* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: 12 To The Moon                      ---plus---                       "Dream to Design" -short- *The woman of the future visits the satellite of love and turns the robots crow and tom servo into kitschy househould appliances. meanwhile, the united nations of nasa proves earth's worthiness to the lunar neighbors.*                     2 1/2 stars with riffing and between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without

Terry Gilliam's "Brazil" *A depressed Da Vinci with his wings clipped by the dulled scissors that society can no longer cut all the red tape with.* 3 stars

Fritz Lang's "Metropolis" *In my life of relative ease, I watch this movie on my cheap consumer electronics provided for me by workers in horrible third world conditions.*           3 stars

"Starry Eyes" (2014) *Ambition. Attrition. Ascension. All the way from Hooters Girl who can't get taken seriously at low-grade movie auditions to transforming into a Hollywood harlot comes at the price of one's soul taken by the Satanists who run the movie industry and helped sanctified with blood and betraying those closest also climbing the ladder.* close to 3 stars

"Messiah of Evil" (1973) *What if, after Thanksgiving, America honored the Donner Party Massacre by having Black Friday be masses of mad people tearing into raw red meat at supermarkets? This flick is like the eerie calm before an apocalypse. Too weird, almost, to describe, and if one tried to, a bug would appear on their tongue and they would cough up insects and lizards.* 3 stars

"Strange Days" (1995) *"Memories were meant to be forgotten. They were designed that way." Let old acquaintance as well. 20 year old predictions about the new century, by James Cameron, are still pretty relevant. Questions about the abuse of police force. Urban upheaval and riots. Voyeurism being a social media (though it's not as seedy as it's imagined in this movie).Things James Cameron got a little off are plenty too. Musicians stopped being, for the most part, political messengers. Trainwreck skank rock queens like Courtney Love aren't nearly as talented as James thinks or as worth going through hell over, but they're still a huge part of the media's obsession. Found footage and virtual reality may just be entertainment fantasy, but the themes in this movie are played out daily on actual viral videos.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Max Headroom: Academy *What if corporations had their own legal systems? What if a death penalty trial was turned into a tv game show? Viewers of the HLN network sort of get to experience this. What if criminal profiles were assigned to innocent people who fit a certain stereotype? Wait a minute....* 3 stars

Joe R. Lansdale's "Cold In July" (2014) *A considerate and well adjusted family man has to stand his ground, on shaky legs, but isn't in the overzealous camp of his hometown neighbors who wanna pat him on the back for it. He never feels right about the incident and his remorse pulls him into a world of Dixie mafia killings, Texas Mexico border crime, and a friendship with a flamboyant and dogged private detective and the deeply burdened man who mistakenly stalked the family man's family when he was wrongly convinced the family man slayed his son in the stand your ground incident. In a bizarre twist, the three men come together to help the deeply burdened man solve his burden of putting down his wayward son who's making snuff films with hookers. It reminds me a lot of William Devane's "Rolling Thunder," another revenge flick with a lot of bitter sorrow and dark themes.*      3 stars

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- --The Comedy Network-- (1998) *Tom is an absurdist comedian who can sometimes be traditionally clever in his humor. He drinks purple koolaid with a cult who worship an alien version of Jesus Christ's brother, he ruins an Elvis impersonator street performance and almost gets his ass kicked for it, and he continues to try to prove he's the biggest idiot in the room.* close to 2 1/2 stars

The Prisoner: The Schizoid Man *The Village have number 6 convinced he's twice the man he was using an uncanny double.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 episode 7 *"People work together when it suits them, they're loyal when it suits 'em, they love when it suits 'em, and they kill when it suits them."* 3 stars

"Under the Skin" (2013) *Scarlet Joe Handsome is an enticing alien, in a black wig and brightly painted lips, driving around Scotland, in a pedo van, indifferently observing all the quiet, everyday human suffering and luring horny, confused men back to her abandoned building / nest / spaceship(?) --where they step sinking into a surreal black pool of liquid.* either 1/2 a star or 2 stars

American Horror Story- -Coven -The Replacements *Sober Santeria. What other show is going to have a pothead, white trash mom molest her patchwork monster, back from the morgue, college boy son? or let a juicy and morbidly obese black virgin finger herself in front of a minotaur? not many spring to mind.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: The Edge *Zanatos uses the steel clan and a Tony Stark type tech gargoyle suit to frame the real gargoyles for the museum heist of 'the eye of Odin,' in order to have the cops chasing them all around town and scare them into coming back under the wings of his 'protection,' which would have the gargoyles inprisoned in a research lab.* 3 stars

Rifftrax - Total Riff Off - Man vs. Monster *"Meeting the channel's factual quota, we now return to the bullshit." Rifftrax skewers another one of those pretentious explorer douchebags, from National Geographic Wild,  that are always trying to turn a simple creature of nature into a tall tale monster.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

Son of the Beach: With Sex You Get Eggroll *satire of sex slaves and sex jokes, both smartly done.* 3 stars

Carman -Yo Kidz! -The Vidz *Gnarly Jesus dudes, hip musical kids, and cumbersome cat costumes.* 1 star

Morton Downey Jr.: Cults *A man who once had a cult-like tv audience examines mind control organizations and self-help pseudo-religions.* close to 3 stars

Mel Brooks in "High Anxiety" *Side-splitting neuroses.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Korman's Kalamity *A cartoonist's monstrous creations come to life after years of nagging from an abusive spouse and his recent forced use of an experiment male potency medication.*  2 1/2 stars

"Al-TV" -April Fools Day 1984 *"I could just watch videos all day until my brain turned to mush. Couldn't you?" Weird Al takes over MTV from its bland video disc jockeys and turns the channel into the absurdity it should be.* 3 stars

"Traxx" (1998) *"Be good, be gone, or be dead." Shadoe Stevens is one tough cookie as he parodies every 80s action hero vigilante and western cowboy cliche come to clean up a Troma version of a Texas town in one of the weirdest, left field comedies ever.* 3 stars

Hippies: Protesting Hippies *Simon Pegg tries to spark a Y2K revival of the comedic rebelliousness of The Young Ones with a Britcom That 60s Show.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Pilot Episode *A "Jew, New York doctor" finds unspoiled land, wildlife, hell... even people (patients) "just waiting to be fondled" in middle-of-nowhere, Alaska.* 3 stars

X Files: Space *Otherworldy phantom sabotaging shuttle missions. A study on how stifled and subdued the space program has become.* 2 1/2 stars

"Freaks, Nerds, and Weirdos" -MTV (1994) *MTV NEWS looks at Generation X's social outcasts like nerdy hipster college kids, quirky celebrities, and alternative musicians and they talk about their struggles with being different from "the norm." Ironically, the show is framed with commercials featuring beautiful skin care and fashion model young people bragging about how great it is to be one of the in group of the beautiful ones.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Myth of the American Sleepover" (2010) *The last bittersweet days of Summer and the pre-conceived notion of sublimity for a group of suburban teenagers. Indie movies about the adolescent rite of passage to adulthood aren't as fun as exploitation flicks about the same thing, but the delicate and thoughtful manner in which the subject matter is approached allows for more personal reflection for the viewer.* close to 3 stars

Turner Classic Movies: Beneath the Planet of the Apes *Twice as bleak of an ending as the first.* 3 stars

--- "Bates Motel" (1987)

*After spending his youth in the looney bin with Norman Bates as his father figure, Bud Court (Harold & Maude), and a great casting choice, inherits the Bates Motel from the deceased Norman whom he carries around in an urn afterwards.

With the help of a spunky squatter (Lori Petty) and a Morgan Freeman esque handyman, he reopens the falling apart eyesore and deals with the rumors of the place being haunted and the fast moving yuppies of the 80s who wanna exploit the property to keep with the changing and advancing landscape of the times.

Tonally a weird mixture of maudlin and mockingly humorous. Whoda thunk they could take a legacy of a Hitchcock suspense thriller and throw in one those feel good fixing up the place montages, a Happy Days 1950s teen ghosts dance party with a dreamlover angel Jason Bateman, and Scooby Doo villain plot twist?*

either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------------

"An Evening With Bobcat Goldthwait, Share The Warmth" (1987) *Bobcat chugs two six-packs of TAB and then proceeds to frighten uncomfortable laughter out of a group of yuppies in a nightclub.* 2 1/2 stars

"Beyond Vaudeville" (1986-90s) *Best of a weird NYC public access variety show with guests and acts like Grandpa Munster, Tiny Tim, "the Edith Bunker of massage," climbing Harpo's ladder with Wavy Gravy, Burt Reynold's fantasy Turkish woman (possible delusional stalker), Greg Brady, the arm and the giant from Twin Peaks, the theme from the Flying Nun on spoons, Rock Around the Clock in Yiddish, an Underdog / Dracula enthusiast / interpretive dancer, and many other pathetic bizarre folk. Sammy Davis who?* 3 stars

Morton Downey Jr.: Central Park Squatters *A heated shouting match between freaks and fascists over the issue of gentrification.* 3 stars

"Scoundrels" (1982) a Cecil Howard adult film *"Life's too fucking short." Ron Jeremy is the long dick, long suffering dad, just like Kevin Spacey, in a sexually frustrated slice of American Pie.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Murder House- "Rubber Man" *"What is it about being dead that makes me so horny?" Hysterical lady troubles.* close to 3 stars

"The Guest" (2014) *A psychotic super-soldier gone awol and come to roost with the troubled family of a fallen comrade. Pulses like an homage to 80s action movies in the vein of John Carpenter.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 1 *Bluegrass Helter Skelter.* 3 stars

Chrisley Knows Best: The Great Outdoors *Chrisley reluctantly takes his sons camping at the lake, while wishing he were more like his hero Oprah and scaring his 8 year old with the legend of Jason Vorhees.* 2 stars

Comic Book Men: Ghostbusting at the Stash *Sitting around ye ole podcast table and sharing spooky stories about things like the Jersey Devil.* 1 star

"The White Buffalo" (1977) *Charging out of Hell and into Heaven were men like Wild Bill, Crazy Horse, and Charles Bronson.* 3 stars

Kung Fu, the series: Dark Angel *Words lost, eyes blinded, and riches not found, but, at the same time, roots replanted, senses regained, and faith restored.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invasion U.S.A. (feature) & A Date with the Family (short) *Rigid dinners with loved ones, or heavy drinking with a group of barflies, is a great opportunity to discuss how every American should do more in their part to combat the Red Menace.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

"My Mom's A Werewolf" (1988) *An underappreciated housewife goes to the pet store to get a flea collar for the family dog, and winds up having the mom jeans charmed off of her, and replaced with fur, by a hair-piece wearing lycanthrope (John Saxon).*                2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Black Tickets ------------------

*A young Brad Pitt runs over himself running into himself running away from his problems.* 2 stars

*Having a baby is hellish, even if Brad Pitt is the daddy.*                           between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---------------------------------------------------

USA Up All Night -with host Rhonda Shear -Valentine's Special -----------------

*Lovers Lovers (feature movie): Neurotic & horny 30 something year old professionals in the city of Angels. It's like a softcore version of Seinfeld.*          2 stars

*Starburst California Raisins style commercial where the Starburst candies get taken to the bad side of town called Twisted Town.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Girls of Paradise (phone sex commercial): 3 stars

*Rhonda hangs out in the honeymoon suite with a amorous bell boy who has chest hairs a plenty.* 3 stars

*Twix commercial parodies the plane crash movie "Alive" in a funny scenario where one guy tricks the other into thinking they're being rescued so that he can have both Twix candy bars to himself.* 3 stars

*Rhonda tries to get a honeymooning and arguing couple's bride out of her hotel room bathroom.* 2 1/2 stars

*Free brochure for TV Parental Ratings guidelines* 3 stars

*"Mel" (taking his name from a PayDay caramel candy bar wrapper) calls up a phone sex hotline to talk to the horny chick about covering her in peanuts and creamy caramel in a funny PayDay commercial.* 3 stars

*"Every day people like me and you are proving why the 'Psychic Solution' is so popular." Obvious payed employees of this phone scam network give false testimonials about their amazing experiences talking to phone psychics.*    either zero or 3 stars

*"Imagine being forced to make love. Now, imagine thousands will die if you dont. Will she? Won't she? Or will she just kick some ass?!" La Femme Nikita preview for an upcoming 1997 episode. Haha.* 3 stars

*Rhonda coaches sweet talk to a dumb husband who gets all her amorous advice lines all wrong.* 3 stars

------------------------------------------------------------------

Weird Science: Magnifico Dad *Mom gets her birthday wish for dad to turn into male supermodel hunk Fabio.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Silence of the Clams *"The beach is meant for solitude, not senseless orgying. Cancel Spring Break or else."* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Fortress of Fear *A many eyed wizard wants Ariel as his bride.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Silent Screams *"Eye of the hurricane, listen to yourself turn. World serves its own needs, Dummy, serve your own needs." Arcane is selling eco-terrorism to the highest bidder. First in line to be served, shadowy agents of the U.S. government, and they're willing to sacrifice a small, swamp town to test the effectiveness.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The Invisible Monster *Turn off the life light, don't let it shine or else be taken in by the hungering Pac-Man esque ghost of an animated mass of energy. Look out, because it's a one-eyed, giant, purple, people-eater.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Super Specs *Do "They Live" or is it just an April Fool's Day trick of the mind thanks to a phony trick gifts shop's surprisingly effective super specs glasses?*             close to 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Shadow Boxer *A bum fighter uses cursed gloves to separate his dark side from his body and sends the shadow out to stick it to his opponents.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 18 *Penn State freshman lions turn themselves into fraidy cats with the passing around of campus legends and the playing of an ancient Japanese ghost story game called '100 Candles.'* 2 stars

Penny Dreadful: season 1 episode 1 *For a moment, I thought Frankenstein and his monster were going to passionately kiss on the mouth. It was weird.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: season 1 episode 6 *"He eats disease. He likes to be scratched behind the ears. He's horrible, beautiful." 3 stars

The Outer Limits: If These Walls Could Talk *CGI Ryan Reynolds. He's not Green Lantern. He's possibly a 'Casper' or at the very least a molecular anomaly. His mom can't let go of the mystery around his disappearance and his frequenting of a so-called haunted house. She's a paranormal believer. She swears she hears him crying out in the haunted house. She befriends a pyschic phenomena debunker. They get drunk, share their hearbreak over the afterlife or lack thereof. They stir up spirits or at least a cold case crime scene. They  learn about the mystery behind a previous owner who was a reclusive scientist and find his hidden room complete with strange meteor. It ends with them covered in ectoplasmic goo.* 2 1/2 stars

"Father Guido Sarducci Goes to College" (1985) *Vatican City versus Disneyland.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Mute Witness to Murder *Some enchanted evening, you may meet a stranger. And some enchanted evening, you may witness a brutal murder. That enchanted evening may damage the psyche.* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Double Dare *Necessity is the mother of virtue. A business professional lady needs the thrill of an erotic game of show and tell via fax machine dirty messages and flashes of bare flesh across facing office building windows with a sexy stranger, but she can't take it to the next step and cheat on her husband in person.* 2 1/2 stars

"Computer Beach Party" *Weirdly played, and ridiculously overdubbed, dorky sex comedy that maybe comes close to deserving cult status.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Total Riff Off: Animals Behaving Badly *Horny deer. Smoking ape. Rascally raccoon. Pooping cheetah. Shoe humping tortoise. Horny dolphin. Indian woman breastfeeding a calf. Chicago city coyote. rat infanticide, and the classic panda attacking jacket guy.* 3 stars with riffing between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without

"RoadRacers" (1994) a Robert Rodriguez film *David Arquette as a scumbag greaser, James Dean wannabe with Salma Hayek as his main squeeze. Sounds unconvincing, but somehow they pull it off. Also, great tunes from the era of rockabilly, decent villains like the town asshole cop William Sadler, and Deadwood's Saul Starr as the sci fi and sinful thrills obsessed sidekick.*  2 1/2 stars

Richard Linklater's "Boyhood" (2014) *Maybe the best ever use of scripted reality in dramatic entertainment. Following two siblings for over a decade as we watch them grow and deal with their movie parents a psychology student-into-teacher mother (Patricia Arquette) and their sometimes deadbeat other times often extremely caring and liberal-slacker poet papa (Ethan Hawke), along with step siblings, abusive drunk stepfathers, plus all the growing pains and life steps that happen along the way to young adulthood.* 3 stars (for achievement in the portayal of life) or zero stars (for every character being so unlikeable)

--Starz-- --The Missing: episode 1 *A wrenching, quiet, and moody look at the frantic hours around parents dealing with the disappearance of a child and how the effects of that trauma are still haunting them, and others involved with the memory, years later.*         3 stars

American Gothic: Damned If You Don't *Dang ole' tornado of the soul.* 3 stars

"Din of Celestial Birds" (2006) *inherent iniquities* 2 1/2 stars

True Detective: Seeing Things *Pussy, fantasy, illusion, delusion, hallucination, justification, nightmare, and revelation.* 3 stars

X Files: Fallen Angel *Toxic cover up and lies with an official seal.* 2 1/2 stars

"Night Dreams" (1981) xxx *Bound by wild desire, Dorothy LeMay fell into a ring of fire.* 3 stars

--- MTV's True Life: I'm Preparing for the End of the World

*An obese, and (from how he's presented on this docu show) low i.q. suffering, young  father moves his pregnant wife, two young boys, and yummy pet rabbits & chickens to an isolated farm in the mountains.

There he rambles about doomsday scenarios and his family assists in setting up booby traps that are more dangerous to themselves than anyone else.

My advice is to lay off the extra bunny, at dinner, and to not homeschool the kids about the proper way to filter goat piss into a drinkable water alternative, but instead to exercise as a family and to get out in society and work towards not ending up with an apocalypse.

Next, we have two priviledged college twins who are so quirky and idiotic that they jokingly form a two person cult where they bother college campus students and the city's homeless population with their pretend rhetoric.

Low point being when they claim to be getting prepared to raise their consciousness beyond the normal soulless zombie, just before tossing a twenty dollar bill into the air for a group of hungry homeless and junkies to wrestle over.*

1 star

-----------------------------------------------------------

Morton Downey Jr.: Feminism *Mort and feminist lawyer Gloria Allred go toe to toe and almost mouth to mouth with the sexual tension between them (just kidding).* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Television Terror *A t.v. station scores big ratings, when Morton Downey Jr. is murdered, live on the air, while investigating a haunted house.* 3 stars

"Too Young To Die?" (1990) *A trailer trash teen runaway (Juliette Lewis) gets the death penalty for the murder of her soldier guy former lover, thanks to her hick pimp/pusher (Brad Pitt).*  2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -Asylum- "The Coat Hanger" *Forgiving trespasses. Ian McShane almost seems too good for any show after his iconic role in Deadwood, but he finds one here as a blackly humorous and blasphemous sinner/killer in a setting that keeps getting more depraved and strange. Bucket of KFC chicken and skinning victims alive killer mixed piece joke. Priest drowning at a baptism. Priest crucifiction. The dirty history of pre legalized abortions. Cruel head nun gets on the other end of looney torture. A Nazi butcher / mad scientist seeking aliens because he appreciates their eugenic techniques and getting sent his own Mary with a possible alien seed in her belly.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Amuse-Bouche *"It takes one to know one." A human fungus wants understanding.* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: Friends for Dinner *"Another domestic dilemma." Bob and Margaret continue to define themselves different from their rude peers, while still retaining a flawed quality that makes them so relatable to the average person.* close to 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Model *"If she learns to swim, next thing she'll want to learn to drive." A nutter doesn't want his nude centerfold wife to take swimming lessons. Olives on pizza distaste, and a compulsion to pull any wallpaper off the wall -weirdness. Also, the swimming lessons oath includes everyone but practioners of karate and the pop star Sting.* 3 stars

Hippies: Hairy Hippies *The animals of Aquarius are gonna tear your prick off.* 3 stars

Farscape: Durka Returns *"The difference between a knife attack and life saving surgery." The outer space adjustment bureau can turn anyone they want into an attitude corrected slave.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Deities *When it comes to matters of the spirit, people often forget what it means being human.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Captured Souls *Sometime in the early 90s, the Obamas and their daughter nearly had the life sucked out of them by a mirror-spy-tech mad-science-geezer posing as an ole timey tween boy with a ridiculous hairstyle that was almost as bad as Obama's soul glow mullet of the time.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Fearful Pranks Ensue" *supreme sacrifice* close to 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: You Have The Right To Remain Silent *A lady cop kidnaps and forces herself on a strong willed guy who won't show her any attention at the gym. I would have laughed if it were a case of her not having any gay-dar.* close to 2 1/2 stars and 1 1/2 a stars for the safe sex sales pitch

Hill Street Blues: Choice Cut *supermarket standoff with a side of beef.* 2 1/2 stars

Fargo: The Rooster Prince *"Savagery, pure and simple."* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Orphans" *The most sympathetic character on the show, Pepper, has a continuation of maybe the most tragic character arc of any character in all of American Horror Story, with a cameo from a character from Asylum.* close to 3 stars

MTV's "Eye Candy" extended peak *Disney channel(?) teen pop idol and now hacker (rolls eyes) in a serial killer stalker show with MTV style "edgy" (crap) aesthetics. The psycho stuffing smartphones in the mouths of victims is unintentionally ludicrous and laughable.* 1 1/2 stars

"Living With Michael Jackson" *"We would wake at dawn and go up in the hot air balloon. I have the footage. It's all very charming and innocent. That's ignorant. Who's the Jack the Ripper in the Room?" Was it exploitive journalist Martin Bashir or delusional Peter Pan wannabe Jacko?* either 3 stars or zero stars

Prime Time Thursday -ABC- Martin Bashir on his Michael Jackson documentary (2003?) *ABC gets a few more nasty kicks in to the wounded weirdo.* 2 stars

The Michael Jackson Interview, The Footage You Were Never Meant To See *--FOX--* (2003)

*"Becareful what you do, because the lie becomes the truth."

Maury Povich pauses from hosting & revealing ghetto / white trash paternity tests to take an investigative behind the scenes footage look at the Martin Bashir documentary on MJ.

An almost propaganda piece trying to repair Jackson's image and justify his strange behavior, but it does shine a light on the deceitful approach of Bashir's manipulative tactics in getting close to Jackson via gaining his trust with comments approving of Michael's generosity and attitudes towards children and Michael's personal life in other ways, and then turning  around and only showing the most sensational things in his "Living With Michael Jackson" documentary.*

2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: pilot episode "UFO Encounter" *The teachers of troubled teens, those are the real heroes. This show has great music, and I don't just mean the cheesy wonderful theme song.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: I Accuse My Parents (feature) & The Truck Farmer (short) *Cultivate, refrigerate, exaggerate, denigrate.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Son of the Beach: In The G-Hetto *"Read my lips, I'm going down there and I'm going to lick your posse, and I'm going to enjoy it."* 2 1/2 stars

Black Sails: season 1 episode 1 *Blackbeard's snatch. Captain Flint's fluoride smile. Long John Silver's sexy good looks. I doubt these third world bandits were really this stylized.*               2 1/2 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" (1988) *Heaven for guys who like big tits and Hell for guys who don't like to be chopped into little bits.* 3 stars

Hollywood Hillbillies: Headin' For Hollywood *Another internet infamous sensation extends he and his grandmother's 15 minutes of fame by acting as crass and crazy as possible for the reality tv cameras.* 1 star

TLC presents My Husband's Not Gay *These Latter Day Saint women believe that they have it made, because, with another woman, their husband would never stray. I wonder if the LGBT community would stand up for the rights of the "same sex attracted" who don't act on it for religious reasons, or if... ha... of coure not.* either zero                   or 2 1/2 stars

"Monster" (2003) *A look at someone, on the fringes of life, whose feral impulses sadly couldn't be justified even though she endured a life of inhuman treatment.* 3 stars

Viper: Pilot Movie *Not just a tv show promoting a crime fighting futuristic Dodge motor company concept car, maybe also a question of whether giving career criminals a clean slate of memory is violating their civil rights or not.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

"Midnight Plowboy" xxx (1971) *Welcome To The Jungle as performed by Going To The Country's Canned Heat.* 2 stars

Woops!: pilot episode (1992) *99.999999% of the world's population has died in a fiery hot flash, but a few quirky yuppies survive to yuck it up on a small farm. Cue the laugh track.*        2 stars

X Files: Eve *bloodthirsty replicas* 3 stars

"Nomads" (1986) *Searching too deep beneath the surface of reality, a cultural archaeologist starts being stalked by a skid row spirit-tribe.* close to 3 stars

Manimal: Manimal *Transmutation is not for the faint or feint of heart.* 2 1/2 stars

---- "Tusk" a Kevin Smith film (2014)

*20th century man spent his time doing amazing things, and had tales to tell later.

21st century man spends most of his time talking about ridiculous things.

This time 21st century man accomplishes one of those ridiculous things.

How to go about summing up something like this...

3 stars for the crazy screenplay.

3 stars for the incredible walrus special fx by Robert Kurtzman.

3 stars for Michael Parks' truly demented serial killer / world's most interesting man character.

2 stars for Haley Joel Osment's nerdy twenty something podcast comedy partner.

almost 2 1/2 stars for Justin Long's obnoxious and self absorbed hipster mustached podcast comedian.

3 stars for Justin Long's suffering through hell tortured and experimented on in the most gruesome way possible walrus-man.

1 1/2 stars for all the podcast nonsense.

either zero stars or 3 stars for Johnny Depp's Mike Myers esque eccentric inspector character.

and to finish out the whole whacked out affair, either 1 star or 3 stars for the absurd ending.*

===================================================================

Wizards and Warriors: The Unicorn of Death *Mind over matter. Also, lightning hawks, hawks that shoot lightning.* 3 stars

"Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood" *"One fish two fish red fish blue fish, knick knack paddywhack give a dog a bone, Two thousand zero zero party over oops out of time, my bacon's smelling fine." The Wayans, just off of In Living Color and a handful of blackspoitation movies, take on Boyz in the Hood & Friday with their brand of satire that hadn't quite soured just yet like it would with the Scary Movie series. Somewhat not bad, nowhere as good as say an episode of Chapelle Show, but almost on the level of something like Comedy Central's Key & Peele.* 2 stars                      plus 3 stars for Bernie Mac's cameo speech

Freddy's Nightmares: School Daze ----------

*No more homework, no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks. Just robotic students.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Standard Achievement Torture.* 2 1/2 stars

-------------------------------------

"Ben and Arthur" (2002) *I'm sure that everyone involved with this shot-on-video "movie" had their big, gay hearts in the right place, but the results are so oddly misguided that it cursed the gay rights movement and set queer equality back at least a decade.* 1 star

Tales From The Crypt: My Brother's Keeper *Two guys attached at the ass-cheek, now that's freaks. And it's definitely a wild half of the siamese situation if Timothy Stack is the straight laced one.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Cannon Video: Fifty Fifty (1993) *A couple of "in it for the money" mercenaries find a change of heart and purpose, when they're sold out by the U.S. government after initially being hired to train a  ragtag group of villagers to overthrow a cruel dictator.*                 close to 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Double Danger *monkeying around with hallucinagens* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000:  Operation Double 007 *"Terrorists were a lot more fun back then." Thankfully, Sean Connery's brother, Neil, also didn't try to rip off Highlander 2 or Zardoz.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 stars without

The Prisoner: The General *Blind memorization is a learn-ed way for a slave to show its appreciation to its masters.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 19 *"Balancing faith and science" as the lead investigator questions whether or not he should debunk a crazy lady's haunting experiences.*                           between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: Walk A Mile In My Shoots *Arcane and Swamp Thing trade places.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "Burn, Witch, Burn" *Ask me no questions and I'll tell thee no lie. Mama's little baby love shortenin'. Fry fry fry. Febreeze will get the odors out of any room where dead things lie.*   3 stars

American Gothic: Dead to the World *Denial ain't just a river in Bum-Fuck, Egypt.* close to 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 2 *Rhythm, romancin', runnin', and rippin' up the floorboards.* 3 stars

"The Census Taker" (1984) *"An outrageous invasion of privacy."* 3 stars

Hannibal: Potage *Manipulation in Maryland, Minnesota, and the media.* 3 stars

X Files: Fire *amorous arsonist* 2 1/2 stars

12 Monkeys: Pilot episode *Hourglasses of the hydra.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Thirteenth Floor" (1999) *"Hate to see that evening sun go down." Digital virtual deja-vu.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Birthright *Senator Al Gore is all about shooting up with supplements and saving the environment by saturating it with methane for his alien race to take over and inhabit.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Brains, Know How and Native Intelligence *singing the body electric and fixing the plumbing.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Love, Native American Style *firebush and big hose* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Island of the Body Snatchers *Ariel almost loses her mind and her body in the mystery zone.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Twisted Claw *Wish in one hand, let a vulture shit in the other.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Eegah! *RRRR! Richard Kiel is really big and really lonely and he wants to rape a gal named Roxy. It's like King Kong set in a resort desert town where a Ricky Nelson reject is constantly rocking out.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Weird Science: The Feminine Mistake *The guys get turned into chicks and experience what the other sex has to go through with horny guys like themselves.* 3 stars

Jack London's "Call of the Wild" starring Charlton Heston & featuring "Buck" the dog *Buck worth more than all the gold in the Klondike.* 3 stars

"Ax Giant" *"All strut and no gut." Paul Bunyan puts a cgi sawblade through Grizzly Adams' bear-sized head for eating his blue ox named Babe.* 2 stars

MLK Day Tribute ---------------

Morton Downey Jr.: Racism with Dr. Charles King (2 appearances on the show) *One of the last ballsy, crazy, and passionately confused conversations about race conducted by the media before political correctness closed the door.* either zero or 3 stars

---------------------------------------------

Abel Ferarra's "King of New York" (1990) *Max Shreck, magnanimous and soulful.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

X Files: Beyond the Sea *Serial killer -Brad Dourif- claims to channel the beyond and a grieving Scully's recently deceased dad. but is he just a coward staying execution?* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "The New York Ripper" *quacking misogyny* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Talk To Me Baby *"You gonna believe your eyes or are you gonna believe me?" Shared feelings and Samson-haired Bud "tries" to be less of a horndog for other women, but he's only a man afterall and after a night at the bar watching a wet t-shirt contest. If his hot foreign accent nympho girlfriend don't forgive him and talk, he's gonna flip his muscle car and go out Romeo style with her in the passenger seat.* 3 stars

William Friedkin's "Cruising" (1980) *assault, alarm, assuage, acclimate, assplay, and arrest* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Girl In Lovers Lane *Drifters and the females who foolishly fawn over them. A Route 66 romantic tragedy.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

American Horror Story: Murder House "Spooky Little Girl" *The apparition of the Black Dahlia is misdiagnosed with acute anxiety.* 3 stars

Nic Cage is "Left Behind" (2014) *Bono raptured. U2 concert postponed.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Cabin Fever -----------

*Fly the Freddy skies.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

*Freddy finds his Laura Palmer.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-----------------------------------------

True Detective: The Locked Room *Scarred snowflakes* 3 stars

"Night Warning" (1983) *"Fuckin' deviants, the world is full of 'em." Hoop dreams, ''homophobia'', and a hilariously insane Susan Tyrrell.* 3 stars

Svengoolie: House of Horrors *Creepin' on art critics.* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Secret *Blue hued and sweet toothed tale of a wolf boy adopted by vampires.* 3 stars

Charles Bronson in "Cold Sweat" *A History of Violence in a French fishing village with American muscle car action.* close to 3 stars

Viper: Once A Thief *Viper-Man takes a suped-up stroll down memory lane with his delinquent former protege, Robin.* 2 1/2 stars

Son of the Beach: Two Thongs Don't Make A Right *The Devil's butt floss and daddy's B.J.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Betsy Russell is a "Tomboy" *Battle of the sexes in a light-hearted, cheesy reality that's not afraid to get raunchy.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Magical Thinking" *Weak men and strong women.* close to 3 stars

Paranormal Witness: The Visitors *It's either one of two scenarios for this episode: A) A door to door salesman is duped into believing he's cursed with demons and uses his scientific background, and connections, to explain it. or B) A bored, middle-aged former scientist, and his tech buddies, try to establish a hoax with alledged proof of the paranormal.* 2 stars

The Greatest American Hero: The Hit Car *Heavier than air, heavy like Shakespeare.* 3 stars

"Killdozer" (1974) *Grizzled workmen in an isolated setting sci-fi horror that's similar to and yet almost a decade ahead of John Carpenter's "The Thing."*                          between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 Episode 2 *Cooking up a kingdom, of reprieve, through barter and betrayal.*            between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Dolph Lundgren in "Dark Angel" aka "I Come In Peace" (1990) *Phantasm's The Tall Man the cyberpunk / heavymetal years, now available on projectile compact-disc, just in time for a White-boy's Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

Tim & Eric -Bedtime Stories: The Endorsement *Subversive swipe at Sunset BLVD* 3 stars

Puppy-Bowl: Unnecessary Roughness *Puppies wrestling at the "50 yard line" and hamsters overhead in a tiny blimp. This is okay with PETA, yet I can no longer go to my cockfights on Friday nights.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Kung Fu: Blood Brother *Dignity should not remain surrendered or buried in the mire.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Roar of the Lion *(Traditional Chinese costumes) Lion versus dragon in a kung-fu dance off ceremony that's also comedy gold in a stunt filled comedy filled flick.* 3 stars

Manimal: Illusion *Manimal predicted the Siegfried & Roy tragedy, and Richard Lynch plays a diplomatic immunity villain before Lethal Weapon does the same.*           between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

King of the Hill: It Ain't Over Till The Fat Neighbor Sings *"What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again." In Hank's reality, he loses it when he can't micro-manage any poor decision making that's always hilariously exaggerated.* 3 stars

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Group Dates *Dennis comes unhinged when women rate him, online, as a zero. Frank can't keep Mac & Charlie from offending their blind dates, and he can't keep his cockring from slipping off. Dee's plan to stick it to men by giving them one night stands winds up backfiring.* 3 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: Season 1 Episode 7 *Black noises, thirsting voices striking, impeaching.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

15 Storeys High: Blue Rat *All of the energy, none of the fuss, plus a pony.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: Season 1 Finale *A is for anxiety and or African American spirit girl humming to a sensitive, young medium girl.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

[viralhottopics]

7 Types Of Beer for People Who Hate Beer

It’s, like, a rule of the universe that anyone whos been to college will choke down pretty much anything as long as it contains alcohol. Chasing vodka shots with applesauce? Done. Everclear and coconut water? Fine. Obviously, Ive done my fair share of keg stands and beer pong tournaments in the pursuit of blacking out, but its time to come clean: I hate beer. I dont getit makes you bloated and tastes like moldy bread, and its so carbonated youre fighting back burps all night, which is easier said than done when youre mid-hookup. Also, beer guts. Need I say more?

I cant be the only one to feel this way, but that doesnt erase the fact that as betches, its our duty to pretend to like beer. Although it has its glaring flaws, theyre all outweighed by the fact that beer gets you drunk, even if you have to spend two hours working out the next morning to make up for all those calories. It may be worth it but ugh, at this rate Ill have to start making small talk with my spin instructor and I cannot imagine a worse fate.

Anyway, National Beer Day doesnt have to be miserable for those of us whod rather be drinking anything else (read: vodka and ros, preferably at the same time). Here are seven beers for people who hate beer.

1. Watermelon Beer

Watermelon beer got the Betches stamp of approval a couple years ago, and its still delicious and surprisingly dry. It still tastes like watermelon, but its not as syrupy sweet as youd expect from something with a fruit in the title. You can also check out other fruit-flavored beers, like Sweetwater Blue (the blueberry beer that runs through every Atlanta betch’s veins) or Abitas Strawberry Ale.

Perfect for: Betches who like fruit juice and prefer their wine be Riesling, Moscato, or sangria.

2. Shandies

If youve ever tried to figure out why Lienenkugels Summer Shandy doesnt make you die inside every time you chug it by the pool, thats because its only half beer. Shandies, which some weirdos call radlers but we will not acknowledge, are a 50/50 mixture of beer and sodausually lemonade or ginger ale. Just remember to hit the gym extra hard once your hangover is gone. Soda and beer are so high-calorie theres no way youll escape the combined bloat otherwise.

Perfect for: Betches who drink soda without alcohol for some reason.

3. Porters

You might think that a porter would be even more beer-y than regular beer, but a lot of dark beers are actually more similar to coffee. With stuff like Terrapin’s Liquid Bliss you even get hints of chocolate, like the brewers were trying to cover up the fact that its beer (A+ for the thought). If you have a sweet tooth, stay far away, but if you like bitter flavors, go for a porter. Theyre are pretty hard to drink fast, which some people might say is a downside, but I say take it as a challenge.

Perfect for: Betches who drink their coffee black, like their souls.

4. Saisons

Saison beers are weird AF, but some people, including yours truly, are into that kind of thing. Saisons are pale ales with super fruity flavors, but theyre usually a little tart and dry as well. Basically, theyre perfect for drinking when its too hot outside to do anything but get tan, sweaty, and drunk by the pool. (Reason #349 why summer is the best season.) Brooklyn Brewery’s Sorachi Ace is a good place to start.

Perfect for: Betches who like cider.

5. Sour Beers

Sour beers are somehow even weirder than saisons, but you get used to them. Apparently, theyre becoming a Thing among hipster modern breweries. If you like tart stuff or strong flavors and won the Warhead eating challenge in elementary school, give sour beers a try. Or more accurately, get someone else to order one and try a sip so you dont have to pay for it. Either way, Orpheus Brewing has a few personal faves.

Perfect for: Betches who like sour candy and/or hot sauce.

6. Pumpkin Ale

Even if you dont like ales much, pumpkin ale is a betchy tradition. Some are brewed to be sweeter than others, but theyre basically pumpkin pie in a glass that can get you drunk. Whats not to love? Elysian Brewing does one thats pumpkin and coffee flavored, and everyone knows that combination is as basic as it gets.

If youre tired of pumpkin ales, you can always go for another betchy favorite, avocado beer, if youre prepared to travel to the Land of Guacamole, aka California. Just dont expect the avocado part to make it any healthierits still beer.

Perfect for: Basics who still love PSLs.

7. Anything Barrel-Aged

Barrel-aged beers are exactly what they sound like: brewers stick beer in a barrel that previously held wine or liquor. The flavors of whatever the barrel held beforehand soak into the beer, so you get stouts that taste like bourbon and Belgian-style ales that taste like Merlot. Yes, you can now buy beer that tastes kind of like wine, and kind of is close enough for me to buy as many cases as I can afford ASAP. If there are so many options you dont know where to start, Victorys White Monkey is aged in white wine barrels, so it has to be good.

Bonus: The beer usually has an alcohol content close to wine, so you get drunk faster. Cheers up.

Perfect for: Betches who drink whisky and/or wine, so basically everyone.

  Read more: http://betches.co/2oegCG4

from 7 Types Of Beer for People Who Hate Beer

[keyofshadows]

I don’t even. It’s still worth several dozen giggles, though.

keyofshadows Poor hungover Ronan - http://archiveofourown.org/works/3750685 sstingray "I've got this Soren, go make sure Eli's still breathing." - so, my first thought was "go look after your own boyfriend kai" keyofshadows Lmfao well god knows Soren probably makes those jokes, especially after Eli happily fills him in on the paopu incident. Which would have led to Soren bribing Eli to take the Light Corridors to Destiny Islands to snag one for him and Ro. sstingray frowns only if ronan agrees, one must have consent before tying their destinies together keyofshadows Ronan's squeaking, of COURSE he'd agree, he's going to marry Soren when he asks, tangled up destinies are even better DOES AUNT RAY HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HE FEELS ABOUT SOREN IT'S LIKE A TRUE LOVE FAIRYTALE THING um hi. >> sstingray sighs, leaves the kids to their destiny entwining nonsense keyofshadows As she should. Ro takes all this destiny stuff Very Seriously. Watch his views on it pass on to Autumn Rose, and she's forever at Ray's telling her how she's going to marry a prince someday (if daddy and papa and her big brother let her, anyway. Kyanos thinks he's either Batman or a dragon, and papa just thinks it's funny. Soren wants to know why he SHOULDN'T find it funny, his son's an overprotective little shit, it's the best thing. Three way parenting) sstingray aunt ray is too old for this keyofshadows Awe, but aunt Ray is never too old! The kids will keep her young! Or drive her insane, depending on who she's dealing with. Children to watch out for in that regard: Auryn and Kyanos. Everyone else knows how to mind their manners, how little of them they may have. sstingray ray: accidentally becomes immortal and has to put up with this forever ray: god save me from this hell goes to live with dragons in the mountains for ten years keyofshadows Ronan and Eli both have the Sad Face sstingray boys please, she'll come out for christmas and birthdays keyofshadows They want New Years, Easter (even if the only part of that they celebrate is hiding eggs), and Halloween thrown in. Halloween is non-negotiable. sstingray ...that's fair. keyofshadows Also extra presents at Christmas /kicks Kai sstingray ok sure pop quizzes for everyone keyofshadows He was thinking more along the lines of spell books, not reasons to write out a will. sstingray nah. they'll get that when she takes them all to star market keyofshadows Kai has heard about this Star Market. He has mixed feelings. On the one hand, awesome, usually impossible to acquire items. On the other hand, really unusual and sometimes creepy as hell methods of payment. And then there's the fact that he doesn't trust his rpg party to make their own deals without disaster following. 'Jem's sighing because she can just SEE something happening to Kai, so he's one to talk. sstingray hey aunt ray was making deals there before he even had a keyblade keyofshadows Okay, see, he trusts HER. She can keep a leash on Soren and gag him so he doesn't say anything stupid. Eli wants to know if he's allowed to bring baggies of popcorn on this field trip, they're gonna need 'em. sstingray but kai it could also be funny keyofshadows He sees nothing funny about one of his friends or family owing some weirdo in a cape part of their soul for a really nice dagger. Eli's sighing 'cause Kai REALLY needs to relax. A vacation at the beach or in a library or maybe he just needs to get- and there was Ronan squeaking to death and throwing his hand over Eli's mouth BECAUSE DON'T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE ELI HE'LL TELL YOUR MOTHER /facepalm sstingray cue aunt ray howling with laughter until she can't breathe keyofshadows Eli'd be all kinds of amused while Ro just dies and Kai excuses himself into a Corridor before he tosses the Epic Dork through one. He'll be back sometime before the next century. sstingray casually: so eli maybe you should take care of that then. keyofshadows Naw, he's waiting for 'Jem to break him in. He'll make his move after that. HOW IS THIS MY KID sstingray ok that's fair, smart move eli ray taught him well keyofshadows Kai is doing so much Not Approving right now, this is not fair and you all suck. Also minds out of the gutter, thanks. sstingray "suck" pun intended, kai?? keyofshadows MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER sstingray finger guns keyofshadows He gives up. Just- keep an eye on the thug and his brother while he goes over here to check out these spell books and Eli stop draping on him, he's not a chair. Eli will wisely keep his mouth shut because the next thing out of it will earn him a punt at least halfway across the market, if nothing else