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nerdygaymormon · 2 days ago

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Final Session, Nov 2024

In May 2023 I was diagnosed with an eating disorder and began therapy. I binge and I chew & spit, or rather I did. Over the past 20 months I've managed to overcome this disordered eating. It's been quite a journey and I've learned a lot about the how's and why's and my long history with disordered eating.

I go to a facility associated with a university and I see students who are overseen by a licensed psychologist. It means every semester I see a different therapist (it also means I pay bargain rates). It's been interesting to see so many therapists and their different approaches and how their personality and viewpoint makes a big difference in the way the sessions go.

At my previous session, we spoke about the hurricane, the stress of it and losing power for days and how my eating behavior changed. I turned to comfort foods and I couldn't cook so lots of canned and instant foods. However, within a week I was back onto more healthy eating and back to cooking several meals in one go and storing them in the fridge.

At the end of that session, the therapist asked if it would be alright if he read my blog post from 2017 which went viral and outed me to everyone. I've referenced it several times, it is clear it was an important moment for me and had a big impact on my life. Tbh, his request surprised me and felt invasive. I know that reading the blog post would then give him access to read the rest of my blog. Of course I talk about a lot of private things with him that I don't share on my blog but in my sessions with him I hadn't really discussed my current relationship with church and faith. I gave him the links to the blog post because he had a good reason for wanting to read it and I've learned my anxiety often senses danger where there isn't any.

I arrived for my current session and the therapist came to the lobby to bring me back, and he was dressed in a way that accentuated his body (he must be a weightlifter). I was walking behind him noticing his bubble butt and I thought to myself, "I don't know if I can meet with a therapist I find attractive." 😅

When we got to the room, he told me he read my blog post, it seems like it was a beautiful experience. Then he asked me what is my current relationship with this church and faith? I shared that there's a difference in my belief and actions. My beliefs have changed so much over the past few years, even as I continue going to church. He asked if I still hold the position I did in the blog post (stake executive secretary). I indeed do have that position. I shared that the calling often gives me a chance to be at church without actually attending the worship service, or even when i do go to the worship service I don't go to Sunday School, instead I go do an office to do this position.

He asked why I still go because it sounds like I'd rather not be there. I know that it seems contradictory, but it's not a simple choice of go or not, it affects other things. When the blog post went viral in 2017 and basically outed me to everyone, I had siblings say that access to see their children was dependent on me remaining in church. My mom is homophobic and me going to church helps keep the peace. To stop going to church comes with some big consequences. He looked stunned and asked if they really gave ultimatums like that. Yes they did, so if that's their position, does that mean I wouldn't be welcome at family gatherings, will it be me or them & their kids?

Plus, I live in the same house as my parents. Were I to not go to church, that would likely cause tension. I've looked at moving out but apartment rents are wildly high and would take a lot of my income. Just explaining that there's a lot of layers to consider to this decision. Also, it's not like any organization is all good or all bad, there are some positive things about church and this community, I have many friends there.

I know I am not supposed to live my life for them, it is MY life, yet I love and want to be part of my family. It feels like I have been set on a branch of the family tree and told it's up to me whether I want to use the saw to cut myself off from them. Because of that, most of them don't know much of anything that goes on in my life because I don't share with them, I don't think they'd welcome hearing about it since it's related to me being gay. I have another side of my life with gay and queer friends. I am involved in organizations for queer people. I have two sides to my life that often don't feel like they fit together.

Then on top of that, this election scares me. Project 2025 has very anti-queer goals and many of those people will be in government trying to move those goals forward. When I woke up Wednesday morning to see the winner of the election, I took some deep breaths, I didn't turn on the news or listen to any podcasts, I ate a healthy breakfast and went to work. I don't have the emotional bandwidth right now to do more than take care of myself.

I thought to myself that I have lived through worse. No matter how much they try to roll back LGBTQ rights, it won't go all the way back to where it used to be. But with that said, it will be a struggle because we've gotten used to the better climate, to being able to be out and open, to having legal protections that others take for granted. So much of queer rights have come from the Supreme Court, and with President Trump likely getting to name several more justices to that court, I foresee them undoing those rights, and the legislature and president won't fight to restore those rights through legislation.

I was 25 years old when the Supreme Court ruled that laws can't target queer people to restrict them and their rights, that laws couldn't exempt queer people from protections that other people get. I was 32 years old when sodomy laws were struck down by the Supreme Court, which means I spent over half my life with gay relationships being illegal. It was less than 10 years ago that the Supreme Court decided I could get married and only 4 years ago when it decided employees couldn't be fired simply for being gay and trans. It's the court which has step-by-step allowed me the opportunity to live life similar to non-queer citizens, and now I fear it can take that away.

I can't change or fix any of that. Whether it's my family, my church, my government, I will have to deal with the fallout from just trying to live a normal life, the kind of life that other people feel so entitled to that they don't ever contemplate what if that was not possible for them.

I think I'm clear-eyed on what my options are and the consequences of them. Sure, I've kicked the can down the road about my family and my church because there's sure to be a lot of negative consequences, but it can't wait forever. Over the past 7 years since my blog post went viral, I've gone to therapy and built a better foundation for myself. I've dealt with social anxiety, low self esteem, internalized homophobia, eating disorders, generalized anxiety, and processing trauma. I've built a community of queer friends. The reason I work at a university is because 20 years ago they offered partner benefits so I knew if they found out I am gay, I would be okay. I have a foundation that let's me now think about making some of the hard choices I must face.

I arrived for this session thinking it would be pretty upbeat and light as it's my last time seeing this therapist. The semester is ending and his rotation here will soon be over. He responded that he's glad I brought this up. He and his supervisor were discussing me and agree that it's time to end my therapy. Unless there's been a change since our last session and I've relapsed, they feel I have the internal tools to move forward without their help. This therapist was here for the Summer and Fall, so I've seen him for 6 months, and he said it's been a pleasure to see me succeeding.

It was my response to the hurricane last month, how I turned to comfort food and seemed to go off track, but then snapped back into a routine of meal prep and healthier eating, that led him to believe I was ready to move forward, that I'd really overcome the eating disorder.

I replied that I don't know if "overcome" is the right word. My experience with other mental health disorders is they're like seeds in the ground that from time to time will try to sprout, and I have to choose not to let them grow. He responded that he likes another metaphor, that we've been installing lights in a house, and now the living areas, bathroom, and bedrooms are brightly lit, yet there's the basement, maybe some rooms in the corner that are still dark, but we don't have to go there, and at some point maybe I'll install lights in those places, too. However I want to think about it, I am ready to go forward. I did the work and should be proud of what I've accomplished.

As I walked out to my car, I was overwhelmed by emotions. I think I should have felt like celebrating, but instead the feelings I've had from this journey all came rushing back. It was a lot, so many feelings jumbled together.

I again felt stunned at being officially diagnosed. I felt disgust that I choose to still be part of an institution that has hurt me so much. I felt thankful for having friends who I could share about this. I felt shame at what I’ve done to my body. I felt compassion for myself when I understood my body & mind did this to help me survive. I felt the discomfort of sitting in body positivity classes being asked to share very personal thoughts and feelings with others. I felt the shock at realizing I engaged in disordered eating every single day. I felt the curiosity and wonder when I learned how I used different foods for different reasons and how disordered eating was a way for my body & mind to deal with a variety of things. I felt sad for teenager me who used to self harm, and when he stopped doing that he then turned to disordered eating to deal with the feelings about the situation he was in. I felt scared as to whether I could really change. I felt satisfaction at knowing I made choices and was moving forward. There was a sense of safety at knowing I had professionals on my team helping me and also feeling loss that they won’t be there in the future.

It was all these feelings & more, and it was overwhelming. In the past, I would have gone to the store and bought food to binge, to create a physical sensation and discomfort that would distract me from my feelings, instead I cried and just let myself feel all this, and somehow crying led to a feeling of relief.

#david gets personal #long post #cw eating disorder #this is meant for me like a journal entry so I remember #I've turned off the reblog function

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shorelinnes · 4 months ago

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I really don't want to make another political post because a few of the other ones blew up and I felt like I was getting an ulcer, but I just want to say please please please don't idolize people on here or on twitter. no matter how many social justice buzz words they throw at you please remember they could be absolutely anyone. just because someone acts confident does not mean they have ANY idea what they're doing.

#I think the fact that starbucks #(a company that is not and has never been on the BDS boycott list because they don't actually have any direct connection to isre*l)#is THE figurehead of the twitter BDS boycott movement #should tell you that social media is not a reliable place to be getting your information from #and never ever feel bad about questioning someone or asking them to explain themselves #(I mean as long as they are positioning themselves as some sort of authority on a topic or trying to convince you to do something)#if someone tells you 'the answer should be obvious'#that usually means they don't actually know the answer themselves #or they are intentionally trying to manipulate you #and remember it is always ok to just admit you don't know something #oh and of course the above includes me too #I am going to make mistakes #and as much as I try not to I am going to accidentally reblog misinformation or say the wrong thing or take a stranger's word for something #<- which is why making posts like this stresses me out but #idk just a reminder

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jasontoddenthusiastt · 1 year ago

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Batman Annual #25

Before Talia took him in, before he was dunked in the pit to have his memories restored, even when operating purely on survival instinct, he always split a meal with the other homeless people. It may not have been essential to his survival, but caring about and helping other people when he couldn’t even help himself was just always such an intrinsic part of Jason’s core.

#so much so that it prevailed over basic self-preservation #my guy lost 90% of his cognitive function and he’s still out here helping people in any way he can #my post #new headcanon: that’s why he stole all 4 tires. because he wasn’t just feeding himself in crime alley.#or at least he was planning to expand his work now that he had more confidence in his ability to feed and care for himself #I mean he also isn’t the type to brag about his good deeds yk? we all know he was putting up a tough guy façade when Bruce found him #a mutual asked abt Jason’s white streak so I directed them to hush which ofc reminded me of this book #rather than it being exclusively a pit thing imo it makes more sense for it to be a combination of actual health related issues #like the chronic prolonged mental and physical stress he had to endure coupled with the fact that superboy’s punch kickstarted his body #in ways that are unknown to modern science #and then the pit also had a hand in it (probably??)#(imo). like Talia doesn’t have it. neither do Damian or Ra’s or anyone else who’s been in the pit.#jason todd #dc #batman annual 25 #comic panels

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hodari-pavels-good-boy · 2 days ago

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No okay so I could like POP OFF about all the little things that could be written off as quirks or just particularities if there was only one or two but when compounded together made me go OH. He's just like me fr 😭 (I am so sorry OP for hijacking your Autistic Hassian post bc you are so right and I could make a whole long ass post like this about him too. But I feel the need to spread the Hodari is also autstic and heres why propoganda)

-Food pickiness. He's sooo particular about what he eats, how its flavored, and even what he's willing to cook it on. Only spices from his hometown, only on a specific type of grill "no shortcuts", NO fish, same meals over and over again. There's also the underlying trend that undiagnosed adult men tend to lean towards that 'steak and potatoes' type food as a comfort food and while other characters will switch up the kind of food they want (change different entree type foods from soups to fish or sweets. Badruu, Chayne, and Ashura do this) Hodari almost always only will request steak dinner(or grilled meat i forget which lol) or sernuk stew. The food he'll gift you if you stop by at night for some "midnight meat" is also the steak. Man knows what he likes to eat and that's ALL he eats lol. (I also think its cute that he shows genuine concern if you tell him you don't eat breakfast and he forces you to take food and its just an egg lmaooo)

-He DOES find the town overwhelming. He tells the player he stopped coming in the evening and instead comes for lunch because its not busy and people wont talk to him. Even tells the player to leave him alone if they want to chat but if they want to eat lunch in silence with him they can pull up a chair. Kenyatta makes a comment about how "the miner and his daughter don't come into town much" and they don't talk a lot, assuming their house to always be silent. (lol. lmao even) He also only goes to the markets for Najuma. He doesn't like the noise and complains about the fireworks being "shot off every five minutes". While it is revealed by Najuma that he begrudgingly does enjoy coming, it's heavily implied that if left to his own devices he wouldn't be there. So sound and lots of people stress him tf out and he always seems significantly more 'gruff' during social situations like the market (swearing more "whole damn place smells like it"/kinda angry and screaming of sensory overload) or during town parties where he expresses discomfort than when talking to him when its just him

-Piggybacking off that, he NEEDS his alone time. He enjoys being down in the mines by himself where its just him and "the swing of the pickaxe. Nothing else matters". He also places really firm boundaries with the player if its too late and during his alone time that may come off as overly blunt or rude. "If you're here to talk to Najuma, go home it's past her bed time. If you're here to talk to me, don't". A valid boundary but can come across as a little harsh lol. especially in a game where most characters don't mind when you talk to them late at night or only have mild remarks of the time.

-Going off that, his social awkwardness. Not super apparent immediately when we first meet him because we can write it off as he's busy (he is lol) and we are new. However pretty quickly it appears he has a bit of a chip on his shoulder compared to the other villagers (except Hassian lol) even though his character profile in the beginning tells you he seems like a nice neighbor who is "always willing to lend a helping hand". And while his direct words to the player seem to contradict that, the other villagers talk very friendly about him even though it becomes apparent he doesn't treat or talk about them any different than he does the player. He's just 'like that' and they love him all the same. He also only considers Zeki a friend but from talking with the other npcs we know he has drinking contests with Sifuu, plays cards (and wins) with Ashura, and Badruu loves to tell him jokes to try and get him to laugh (and holds it as a personal point of pride when he finally does lol) and they all consider him a friend. He struggles to emotionally connect to his daughter even though we see its not through a lack of willingness or trying. He's a very good dad but there's a large emotional gap that neither of them seem to be able to cross even though they're both trying. And this is all BEFORE you romance him. If you romance him the awkwardness gets SO much clearer. He takes your gift but doesn't immediately accept or reject it bc he's overwhelmed and put into a situation he wasn't expecting and doesn't have an appropriate reaction set aside to use in that moment (The masking falls). He has to seek the player out later to explain he's not rejecting them but is clearly very uncomfortable the whole time. He struggles A LOT with emotional intimacy and has to give himself little pep talks, out loud, when talking with the player. He fears the closeness and refuses to put a label on anything "you do what you want to do and I'll do what I want". Once he's comfortable however, he IMMEDIATLEY switches to a pet name (as opposed to other characters like Reth or Jel who were comfortable using pet names before ever romancing them) and tries to win your affection. He bakes you a heart shaped quiche and takes you on a "date" (where its quiet, private, and not around other people. And not in a we need to hide way but in a 'see all of town is overwhelming bullet point' way) where he was so excited to see the player he forgets the food. He gets so in his head and awkward that his daughter has to interfere SEVERAL times throughout the course of the relationship. He gets fixated on small details and creates 20 (i think? A lot at least lol) pins.

-Rigid schedule. Okay so bc its a video game all the npcs have a set time they go to places and do xyz things so that cant inherently be used BUT Hodari is one of the only ones who's schedule is talked about. He goes to town for lunch every. day. even though he loves to cook and complains how much he hates the walk into town (Najuma also tells us he hates going into town for things). There are comments of the time he wakes up, and how Najuma even shudders at the idea of having to wake him up if he slept in accidentally even though he doesn't go to work in the mines during the mornings and has a few hours before he even goes to the workshop showing this is a very self imposed and relied upon schedule that throws him off really bad if its not kept to.

okay i could probably keep going but this is already really long and I feel bad enough I hijacked the post a bit lol

Was playing Palia, and as I was flirting with Hassian, I came to the headcanon that he is Autistic

Source: I am Autistic and I said so /lh

#palia #hodari pavel #palia game #autistic headcanon #hodari palia #autistic hodari

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suffarustuffaru · 1 year ago

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ok but im getting emo over heinkel again so im gonna talk about him again because yeah hes yet another sad character in a sea of sad characters and i love rezero for that but like he is a character consistently characterized by one loss after the other. it's a rollercoaster and its going straight fucking down and he is so miserable and absolutely alone and its both his fault and not his fault at all. but the way it starts is - its all out of his control. the more you think about the trajectory of his life the sadder it gets.

imagine you are heinkel and your parents are the sword saint and the sword demon and you come from a long line of knights and sword saints so thats almost definitely where youre headed, right? thats whats expected of you. you are nineteen years old and youre a knight in the royal guard, which was expected of you, and you have a wife and a beautiful baby boy, which was also expected of you, but at least you have so much joy and love for the latter while the former is just another chain on the astrea family line of people who are stuck to knighthood whether they like it or not. but your family is also just another chain because youre nineteen and your mother is still the sword saint and youre playing with fate here because either youre going to be the sword saint or your son will be.

your wife, the only equal you have, falls asleep one day and never wakes up. you are twenty-one years old and a single parent and then you are twenty-three years old and your son's fate is so much bigger than youll ever be. having the worlds love means that your love pales in comparison, doesnt it? everyone knows about your comatose wife because you keep searching so much for a cure that its just another thing to gossip about. every year that passes by she just continues to look the same as she did when she was awake and alive and loved you. (you dont know it yet but your son is going to reach the same age as her, because you dont find a cure for another sixteen years and you know that she wont love you anymore because who does? theres no one left because your son doesnt count.)

and everyone knows about you because of your family. because yeah, youre a good swordsman, but youre not liked by anyone in the knights. youre not a friend and youre certainly not a sword saint or sword demon. your son mind controls someone because he loves you so much that he would do anything for you and looks up to you like youre some hero, but youre just a wreck whos scrambling to keep what little you have. youre twenty-four and you lose your mom because you were too scared to go on the mission you were assigned on, because youre a coward and youre in over your head and you know, because everyone knows, that you dont measure up. you could never be prepared for this. in a long line of people who have to carry the weight of the world, you crumble easily. your mom goes on that mission and dies and your son becomes the sword saint like this was always going to happen. this is what being loved by the world means. you just killed your mom because you just couldnt suck it up and die on that mission instead. on top of that, your dad says that your five-year-old god of a son killed your mom. its just you and your son and the two of you both killed your mom but youre the worlds biggest laughing stock and your son is the up and coming hero and monster. but you still love your son. you really do.

right?

#rezero #heinkel astrea #i have. many feelings on him always. no i do not condone his abuse and i never will. but he is such a fascinating character #and this is not even getting into like. post-reinhard being five years old. cries. there is so much happening my god. the tragedy of it all #i swear theresia and wilhelm act like they dont even like heinkel fr sometimes too i swear aldfjldfjl theres just implications behind that #relationship too. and implications to heinkel and reinhards Everything with what little we've seen of them. like little kid reinhard truste #his dad SO MUCH heinkel was very loving in the beginning. it hurts how badly it turns out later alsdlfj bc you just Know that reinhard is #internalizing this like. my dad used to love me and now he doesnt anymore and its all my fault.#BUT HE STILL DOES LOVE REINHARD DEEP DOWN BC WHY ELSE WOULD HE HAVE SCHULT AS A REPLACEMENT. GOD. GOD.#arc 5 spoilers #i always like. theorize that heinkel used to be someone who tried to follow the rules to the T. try his best. try to be a good perfect #knight. a bit of a people pleaser. WHICH IS LIKE REINHARD RIGHT and it explains why heinkel is so bitter and jaded and angry now. god. i #hate it here. the astreas make me sooo crazy #like heinkel really does seem like a guy whos just trying to be a goody two shoes in like the once upon a time from lugunica ss but he fail #miserably bc hes too Emotional and also going through a lot of stress aljsdlfj

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angorwhosebabyisthis · 5 months ago

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i found this lore entry recently and have not stopped thinking about it since. it is HYSTERICALLY funny to me that fandaniel's villain origin story was just being a fuckin boomer

One of few great minds in a land that had seen the slow, yet steady numbing of its people's intelligence, Amon long lamented the sorry state of Allag , concentrating his early scientific efforts on developing medicines to increase mental capacity . He soon realized that it was not knowledge that the Allagans lacked. If anything, they had too much. What his people lacked was a leader. With a renewed sense of focus, Amon shifted his studies to the field of vivimancy, and soon was conducting experiments on his own flesh in order to attain his final goal - the resurrection of Xande the First.

— Encylopaedia Eorzea Volume I, p. 25

#final fantasy xiv #ffxiv #ffxiv amon #ffxiv fandaniel #i just. i Just.#the fact that he tried to fix it by doing research to literally just give people extra brain cells #before deciding the problem was ipad babies is KILLING me #i don't know why it's so hilarious but oh my fucking god #like obviously his real problem with it was a) that whole post about how there's Fun and there's Satisfaction from Achievement #which you need a balance of; because if you don't get enough fun you get stressed #but if you don't get the feel-good chemicals that come from working at and accomplishing things #it will fuck you up Badly; and make you horribly depressed; and you will probably try and substitute more and more Fun in a vicious cycle #b) not only did he live in the depressing nightmare sinkhole of resulting society-wide mental illness #but his attempts to preserve his sanity with meaningful work kept being appropriated into Fun by other people instead #and c) his exposure to the endpoint of 'utopia'; where everyone is happy and all their needs are (supposedly) met #was watching people get Bored and proceed to entertain themselves with horrific sadism and cruelty #he doesn't come right out and explicitly make that connection out loud; but going by his speech in the aitiascope it's pretty obvious #there's a Lot going on there; especially once you start getting into how he leans *into* the cruelty he hated so much #i could go on and probably i'll write up posts about it. it's fucked up and tragic and on a serious narrative level it tracks #but it's also SO SO FUNNY #ffxivtag #FF tag #shitposting #ableism cw #endwalker spoilers

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el3ctraaa · 8 months ago

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My roommate and I just had this two hour long convo about how everyone else makes it look easy and how we just keep falling behind and are killing ourselves just to catch up and now I feel so much better because I thought I was the only one. I have nothing to say about it I just thought y'all should know.

#madi posting #she said when you're stressed you brain sends out the same neurons it would if you're in pain #which makes sense why i feel like I'm dying all of the time #but all our friends make it look so easy #idk it just makes me want to die like this really isnt easy for me at all #and then i feel bad about not being able to do all the extra stuff they do #because i can barely do what's required of me #ugh sorry for venting on the main it'll probably happen again #i guess the thesis of the blog is that no matter how badly you fail as long as you don't abandon yourself then there's still hope #as long as i don't abandon myself i can succeed #or reach something close idk #what does success even look like??#if being a child was just taking it and taking it and taking it #being an adult is just like getting up getting up and getting up

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cassynite · 10 months ago

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#cassy bitches #i am. so fucking tired and annoyed and stressed #our fucking shower hasn't worked in two weeks bc my parter decided to remodel and then didnt finish the job!#and now her fucking sibling fucked up our dishwasher and it leaked water EVERYWHERE including apparently under the floorboards #and im pretty sure i can smell black mold in the kitchen now which! great! another nightmare we're gonna have to fix ourselves #since we cant afford to get a contractor and even if we could no one ever returns our calls when we do try to hire someone #AND my friend went to surgery for appendicitis and that's freaking me out #and ON TOP of that ive been creatively juiced out and feeling like shit about the things i make and my ocs and like. me #like everyone's just been secretly tolerating me all this time and if i disappear no one's going to notice #i feel like nothing i make or am doing is worthwhile and im just GROSS and ANGRY and ANNOYING #and even complaining in tags on a post makes me feel like a whiny baby like. there are wars etc why am i complaining boo hoo #so i cant even talk to people about how i feel bc it makes me so ashamed that im feeling this way to begin with #ive been resisting the urge to just delete everything at this point bc then at least i wont have the urge to check everything and feel wors #why does awful shit always happen right around my birthday. why am i cursed like this

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loumauve · 2 months ago

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work colleague (the one who I'm working on a project with, who was supposed to be showing me the ropes - which she already barely did - who is supposed to be a superior while our boss is on parental leave) told me that I need to join the team leader meeting next week "so things dont escalate again" bc apparently her temper got the best of her (she told me this herself btw, which.. jfc)

and I feel SO uncomfortable at even the idea of that thats I've been feeling sick to my stomach over it since Friday. I'm still an intern ffs, I don't get paid to do her job, which is to explain what we're doing and to explain why we're doing it. I didn't decide on making this a whole thing, and I certainly didn't sign up to take her place while she throws me to the wolves (clinic admins who are pissed that change is being introduced to how they've been running things for years)

I know I need to address it, and at least tell my boss, I feel like shit reaching out to him while he's supposed to be on leave, but if I don't push back and give in now when there's also so many other ways she's been dodging her responsibilities then idk.

she barely communicates which is the basis for working with anybody, and even when *I* reach out she barely ever replies and leaves me hanging, unable to progress in certain tasks just bc I *literally* don't know shit yet bc I've been working there for a total of two and a half months max. just.. boss guy would be happy for me to stay on but honestly that lady has as bad a temper and worse social skills than the lady who made my last job hell enough that I was out of commission for almost three years, first on sick leave and then in various rehab/therapy programs just to make it back to being able to work again.. I really don't want to go down this road again

so I guess I do need to write this all down tomorrow in a message to him and hopefully he'll at least acknowledge that this is a shit situation to put me in and have a talk with her. but idk tbh. not sure what to do if he asks me to still join that group meeting on Friday, also terrified of her reaction if he does bring it up with her, ngl

last time she got "upset" she didn't talk to me for a whole day, didn't reply to my message before I left for 5 weeks and then still didn't leave a single message to explain where to continue in our project before being gone herself for another 2 and a half weeks.. that kind of childish pettiness idk. really don't want to have to keep dealing with her

lazy colleagues idk sure it's frustrating cleaning up after them, but this kind of behaviour is as close to intolerable as things get before I need to get myself the fuck away for good

#anyway. sorry for the long post #I also already wrote a note for myself with what to bring up when I write that message tomorrow #but I keep half-talking myself out of it bc it's hard to rationally quantify the terror I feel at dealing with behaviour like that #like.. I know part of it is past trauma response. but there are very rational reasons why this behaviour shouldn't be tolerated #and still I feel like he might decide that I'm more trouble than I'm worth or that it's not worth dealing with her moods #he knows the whole group has issues with her. I'm sure they've brought it up plenty of times to him so this isn't news #which makes me think that he either gave up or doesn't know how to handle it either #either way.. if my attempt of asking for help leads nowhere then idk what I'll do. prob not stay post internship for one thing #which sucks bc I love the work we do and the rest of the team #fuck #a day in the life of..#sorry. just needed to write down my thoughts again bc I ready know this'll keep me up and give me stress dreams tonight #I've done what I can to distract myself but my mind keeps wandering and my chest hurts

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