#<- just watched the new joel ep

[letsstartafamilywellinvitewelove]

OH MY GOD?!?!?!?!?!?!

[charnelhouse]

press the gas and ride

gif by @riley-keoughs pairing: Joel Miller x f!Reader (nicknamed Dolly) word count: 2.4k+ summary: comfort in a car warnings: hurt/comfort. smut. angst. A/N: this takes place a month after teacups, but no need to read. tlou ep 3 spoilers. this is really just trash smut. Joel Miller Masterlist

She watched Joel's expression buckle as he read the letter. His brow furrowed, the muscle in his jaw tensing. She looked away, suddenly feeling intrusive. She'd never come here with Joel. His trips to Bill were semi-frequent, but this was the first time he’d brought her. Of course, he hadn't expected this. He hadn't thought they'd be walking into a dead house. 

The fresh air through the open front door bullied the stench of rotten meat and vegetables. The dinner on the table buzzed with flies. There were starched, ironed napkins folded in triangles with lovely patterns of woodland creatures. She traced the tiny squirrel sewed into the fabric before studying the label on the wine bottle. She was intent on busying herself. She wanted to give Joel space, but he'd been more paranoid than usual since the attack a month ago. 

I don't want you out of my sight.

She hadn't stopped aching. Brutal. Horrible. She'd slaughtered two people, and her mind continued to spin with the memories of it. She was unable to remove the taste of blood from her tongue. She could not unhear the shuddering death rattle or unfeel the way the man beneath her had wriggled and then spasmed like an electrocuted rodent.  

Joel had also seemingly lost his cool that night. After he'd tucked her into bed, she'd heard him smashing up the first floor. In the morning, he'd refused to let her see what he had done and when she fell apart again (in the safety of their QZ apartment), Joel wouldn't have it.

He'd crouched so they could be eye-level, large hand cupping the back of her skull. "They got what they deserved. Nothin' more than that."

He was right, but teaching her head to stop was easier said than done. 

She scanned the dining room before settling on the mahogany cabinet full of delicate china. When she noticed the powder blue and white teacups, she winced. She couldn't escape it. Everything triggered her. She needed to learn to grow up and out of her pain because it wouldn't serve her and certainly not Joel. He bulldozed through everything, and she had to follow suit. 

Joel cleared his throat. He had stopped reading and was staring out the window, far away. She intended to bring him back to shore. 

"They have a car?" she asked, and Joel's eyes swept toward her. Inscrutable. 

"Yeah." He scraped a hand over his mouth. "Yeah."

***

Joel guided her to a guest room, instructing her to clean up and be ready in an hour.

He'd found her a box of women's clothes that she happily dug through. The very idea of new outfits felt celebratory- even if they smelled a bit stale.

The musty fabric reminded her of her grandmother's closets. She'd used to hide behind the wool coats and leather shoes, toes snug in the sea-green carpet. She'd get light-headed on mothballs. 

Her family was gone. A long time gone.

She supposed Joel was the only person who really gave a shit about her well-being. If she died, he’d have the memory of her, at least. She wouldn’t be dust.

After she showered, she yanked on a sundress and sneakers. Joel would undoubtedly say something, but she was past caring. She stared at herself in the mirror, petting the floral-print bodice. She twisted side to side, the breeze from the open window licking between her legs and under her arms. 

She thought of Bill and Frank in the next room and abruptly stopped. Morbid. Strange to be so fine rummaging through a house when two dead men were feet away. Their window was open, too, and she wondered if the sweet brush of cool air had cradled them into the next life. She stepped forward, pressing her ear against the wood. She listened, tapping her fingertips over the wallpaper. 

Silence. She tapped again. Waiting.

"What are you doing?"

She whirled around to find Joel standing in the doorway with a towel around his waist. He'd combed his wet hair back, but a single strand boyishly drifted over his forehead. The scars across his torso gleamed white under the naked afternoon sun.

"Nothing." She shifted her weight, the dress swishing with her. 

He frowned as he scrutinized her outfit. "You can't wear that."

"Because?"

"Because you can't do shit in a dress that short," he replied flatly. 

She put her hands on her hips. "Can I just wear this today? It's-fuck-it's the prettiest thing I've worn since-since I don't know." She averted her eyes, feeling childish at her reasoning.

Because I want to be beautiful for once. I want to look beautiful for you and not covered in grime, blood, and jeans, two sizes too big. 

The expression on Joel's face flickered between irritated and puzzled. She thought he might stride across the room and tear it off her. 

Once in a while, he'd give her shit about things like this-pecking at her for enjoying luxuries that didn't exist anymore. He'd call her a spoiled brat when he really wanted to tick her off. Instinctively, she knew he was doing it, so she'd snap at him, deal him back with a rough hand. 

He always won and she assumed he’d win here, as well.

She expected him to say no, but he took a breath instead. Running his hand across his chest, he massaged an old bullet wound hidden in the sparse hair before turning back into the hall. White flag. 

Then, his voice pitched so low it grazed the floor. "Fine."

***

The letter must have softened him. Repeatedly punched him until he was a tender, pliant piece of meat. He hadn't even twitched when she snatched two guns too massive for her off the basement wall or smuggled a box of wine into the car.

His hands scraped over the steering wheel when he slid into the front seat. He stared blankly at the dash and then the manicured driveway. The grass was just beginning to creep away from the lawn, encroaching onto the asphalt. 

She wasn't sure how to deal with this. He usually seemed to take death in stride. His grief was like a chalky, oversized pill, but he swallowed it nonetheless. He'd made it clear that he didn't even like Bill yet...

"I'm sorry," she offered.

"Take your feet off the dash," he ordered stiffly.

She scowled but did as she was told, figuring she didn't need to push Joel Miller’s buttons again today. She settled into her seat, hands prim in her lap as she waited for him to begin driving.

He didn't. 

He continued to sit silently, seemingly unable to turn the car on. The hand around the steering wheel tightened, his scabbed knuckles flexing and paling beneath the windshield. His nostrils flared, and she suddenly knew:

He was going to crack. He was going to burst down the middle, and he needed her. 

Abruptly, she crawled over the console, gripping him by the lapels of his button-up to balance her weight. The fresh clothes looked good on him-the plaid green shirt fit his broad frame like a glove. She nearly toppled into the door before he grasped her wrist roughly. “What are you-"

"Shh," she murmured, straddling his lap. He stared at her. 

Joel wore his grief in the creases of his face. His pain. His anger. He was beautiful to her. Sexy in a way that couldn't be understood. Older, too. Older than any man she'd ever had before, but it wasn't like she'd had that many men, to begin with. 

"I'm here," she whispered, her thighs squeezing around his own. His mouth parted, exhaling. 

She wondered what undercurrents ran beneath his skin-his armor. What did he think about? How did he see her? 

She lifted herself onto her knees, and Joel's hands automatically seized her hips. Unbuttoning his jeans, she tugged the zipper down, and his eyes found hers. Good. Coyly, she licked her palm before gripping his half-hard cock. She stroked him slow, glancing down to watch the blush-red head disappear in the circle of her fist. He shuddered, hips lifting a few inches off the leather seat. 

She intended to be fast about this. Pleasurable consolation was a language she knew Joel understood. 

“I’m going to fuck you,” she said and he shivered under her touch. He remained silent as the grave though his eyes never left hers. Perhaps, he was struck dumb by her forwardness.

She clutched his shoulder as she braced herself before sinking down and guiding him into the heat of her cunt. She'd worn the sun dress for a reason. 

Joel made a gritty, strangled noise as she took him to the hilt, lowering herself until his thighs were flush with her ass. The band of his jeans grazed her skin, the metal of the zipper catching flesh. His nostrils flared as she tightened, walls spasming because he was always a little too big. 

Wordlessly, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, forcing his face against her chest. He sighed deeply as she rocked forward, his fingers biting into her waist. It could hardly be called a fuck, just her grinding down and him pushing his cock upward until he couldn't claim another centimeter. 

She cradled the back of his skull, rooting her nose around his damp hair that smelled like clover and a scent she recalled from before - something generic and artificial like Irish Spring. 

Finding leverage was proving difficult, but she did her best. She rose up, keeping him halfway inside her before sliding down. Repeat. In her defense, she’d never fucked anyone in a car before.

One of her hands snuck out the open window to grasp the top of the car. It was dusty, and she had this ridiculous worry that maybe someone would crawl into the garage and bite her hand. She ripped it back to cup the side of Joel's face instead. His mouth twitched, his lids heavy like he was drunk and dazed. He didn't even care she had smeared old car dust into his beard. He'd have to shower again. She would, too, and she wanted to laugh at the strange coincidence of paving new roads in their relationship through hot showers. After all, he'd wrenched her away from a panic attack in that house outside Boston. He'd held her in the shower, mouth brushing her ear.

"You did a hell of a job."

"You did so fuckin' well, sweetheart."

She swelled from the memory of Joel's praise. She wanted to pay him back.

"I've got you," she murmured against his temple, nails tracing a line across his scalp through his thick damp grays. "I've got you, Joel."

He nodded-or she thought he did. His gestures were always so vague. Sometimes he'd hold her down and fuck her brains out while telling her how much he wanted to kill her for being stupid and acting recklessly. It would then always end with him possessively clutching her body to his.

You send mixed signals, Joel. 

What?

You said you wanted to kill me, and now you won't let me go.

I never said that. 

She felt him twitch inside her, his mouth dragging across her clavicle before he abruptly shoved the top of her dress down and latched to her nipple. He sucked it, tongue darting over the nub and causing her pussy to clench around his length.

"Sweetheart," he mumbled. 

"I know," she said. 

Their grief sat between them - a weight strung about their ankles, dragging them down to the deepest parts of whatever was left. She knew blips of his pain as he knew hers. He comforted her in the ways he understood, not necessarily with words but with actions. She could do that for him now, remind him that he had her.

She rolled her hips, and he groaned, his breath puffing against her sternum. She snagged him tighter and dug her grip into his skin like she was holding fast to a rock in a riptide. The car was so small, the steering wheel bumping against her lower back, and you could hear everything.

The rustle of fabric. The squelch of her sex and slap of skin. 

Finally, Joel planted his feet and began to drive up into her. Short, fast strokes that hit just right. It almost hurt. It gave her a belly ache, but everything else fell away. The car filled with his low, subdued grunts and her whimpers. 

He secured his arms around her waist, one hand sneaking to the base of her scalp to embed his thumb into the muscle beneath her ear. They were tangled in such a way that it would have looked like anything - they could be devouring each other, feasting on the other's throats as they fucked fast and sad.

Somewhere along the way, Joel tilted his head and demanded her mouth.

He kissed her fiercely, tongue hot and aggressive as it wrestled with hers. Exploring. "Baby," he sighed against her slippery teeth. "Fuck."

Joel, her man of few words, but just the right ones. She still didn't call him anything but his name. Nothing else fit him.

"Shit," she gasped as he delivered a harsh thrust. Stay with me. Stay focused.

Her climax paraded around her belly, kicking up dirt and shouting out toward a faceless crowd. It was turning in circles, unable to find the finish line. He was screwing her tectonic plate deep, but the friction wasn't enough for her to get off. It didn't matter. This was about him. Not her. 

He gripped her hip and shoved her down before spearing up, grinding in slow, determined circles. He left her mouth to find her throat, sucking methodically at her pulse. 

It didn't take too long after that. He grumbled something into her jaw (maybe, Dolly) before his hips stuttered beneath her. She felt him fill her, warmth blooming outward. She'd have to deal with that, but for now, she worshiped him. He lifted his face, flushed from exertion - golden, bright, and devastating as his dark eyes searched hers.

“You’re good,” she praised, pressing her lips to his chin.

When she crawled off his lap, she was sticky between her legs. He huffed, tugging at the edge of her dress as if trying to hide her modesty. 

No one's around here, Joel.

No one. It's you, and it's me. It's us. 

She was sore as fuck, like she'd been smacked in the crotch. Her orgasm was lost somewhere, hanging by a few threads, but she didn't want it. Instead, she craved the longing-the lingering frustration of her missed pleasure. She brushed her hair out of her face and smoothed her dress.

"That was-"

She was hauled back over to him. Their brows bumped, noses jamming together before Joel kissed her hard. When he finally pulled away, he asked, "You feel safe with me?"

"What kind of question-

"You feel safe with me?" he urged, hands seizing her cheeks. She wondered if it had something to do with what had happened at that house a month ago. The teacup house. Or was this because of what had been written in that letter beyond Bill and Frank's goodbyes?

She felt that if she probed, he would splinter. It wasn't her business. She told him the truth. 

Smiling, she placed her hand over his. "Yes," she assured him. "I always feel safe with you."

Joel took a breath, nodding once, before pulling away. He stabbed the keys into the ignition, twisting them north, and the car rumbled to life.

When they left the garage, she watched the walls creep over him again. 

[forpiratereasons]

okayyy things i loved about ofmd s2 today's edition is!! FRENCHIE. what a guy. first off, joel fry, i'm free on thursdays. second, love that he gets promoted to first mate, tries to decline, & IMMEDIATELY disobeys his mad new boss to try and help izzy. he reaches out to izzy a lot tbh and of course frenchie and jim together are the litmus test for how we're meant to feel about izzy.

but frenchie is affectionate with izzy! holds izzy's hand in e1 while fang hugs him, leans against his leg in e3 while they're in zheng's jail, goes back for him in e8 when ed is carrying him forward. i think he grows up a bit esp in the first few episodes & helps his crew at the end (go frenchie!), setting him up to the captaincy at the end.

now that i look back over the series with an eye on frenchie i think they do lay a groundwork for his captaincy - not only does he become ed's first mate but he also has a functioning coping mechanism (a lot has been made of the compartmentalization as frenchie not handling shit but compartmentalization is a legit mechanism and i think once the crew is all back together frenchie gets his shit together pretty fast so u know just bc we don't see frenchie having appropriate outlets doesn't mean he doesn't have any) that would allow frenchie to take a step back and make decisions without necessarily reacting from fear. this is what enables him to fend for izzy!! he can put aside the fear of ed and ask himself, what is the right thing to do? take care of the crew.

other things that slid past me in the first few watches but which i think were more significant than i realized:

in ep 3, when the revenge and the red flag meet, the crew looks to frenchie to answer stede's questions about ed.

auntie talks frenchie (authority) and fang (soft, cultural connection - this is a deft bit of manipulation that totally works btw) aboard the revenge.

frenchie delivers the verdict against ed exiling him from the ship in ep 4 - it can't come from stede, because stede is compromised where ed is concerned, and so instead frenchie is their spokesperson.

we get one final clue as to frenchie's authority and respect among the crew in the post-ep scene of ep 8, where frenchie slips out of the jail - yeah, it's partially because he's thin enough to fit through the bars, but other folks who could fit refuse. he gets the courage up and does it, and it works! he frees the crew!

so you know, i guess i didn't instantly clock frenchie as captain in the final shots of the revenge, but it also didn't ping me as weird that he was giving orders. he's grown a lot over this series. notably, oluwande doesn't take on this sort of active role this series - his arc is a little different with zheng and jim now, his priorities are changing, and he doesn't want to captain the revenge, he wants to follow zheng. just because olu would have been the obvious choice in s1e10 doesn't mean things can't change! olu didn't want to be captain then, he doesn't want to be captain now. that's okay!! the crew have found another leader amongst themselves!!

i'm really excited to see what kind of funky cool badass jacket-wearing captain he'll make in s3!!!

go frenchie!!

[ohraicodoll]

Be Still

(Gif Credit Joel-Miller) Joel Miller x fem!reader The Last of Us (Show/Game) 1.4k Words (3rd POV) Summary: It takes her a while to see what’s happening to him. Joel is having a panic attack.  (I’ve never written so fast but had to after watching ep 6!!)

It happened twice before she realized what it was.

At first she worried it was a heart attack. That Joel was having a heart attack in the middle of the forest and she wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. It wasn’t a knife wound or gunshot, nothing she could patch up and stitch together. She hadn’t been a doctor in any life, was more skilled in killing than healing, and they didn't have medicine to give him. His age had never been a thing she cared about or was too concerned with. The world wore them down equally, harshly, and he always seemed to defy the number. Was stronger than anyone his age like through his rage he could defy his body. It wasn’t a heart attack though. She could see the bright whites of his eyes, the way they unfocused and his breath would hitch under the press of his hand against his chest. The shallow breaths coming in and out in frantic off-kilter beats. It wasn’t the cold like he tried to play it off as, wasn’t his age or at least not entirely. Panic attack. Joel Miller was having panic attacks and was trying his best to hide them. They’d started after a few close calls. Ellie getting hit or her almost getting her head shot off. Running from a small horde that had built up inside a locked shop they’d inadvertently let loose. The more close calls they had, the more she could see his anxiety build up. And now it was flooding over, manifesting in a way she was startled to see in the man who always seemed like an impenetrable fortress. He was never afraid. But that was fear in his eyes as he rubbed his hand over and over against his chest, staring at the infected at her feet sporting a new bullet hole. So close. It’d been so close to her. Had dropped out of the second floor window of the cabin they stood outside of. And she hadn’t reacted fast enough but he had. Her eyes took in the way he stared, the hollow blank gaze, the twisting of his lips as they shook. Panic. There was panic and fear there. “Ellie, go clear out that shack and start laying out camp for the night,” she ordered and tried to keep her voice steady, not wanting to give away that anything was up, “We’ll clean this up and patrol the grounds real fast.” The teen sighed audibly and tucked her gun away into her pocket overdramatically, not noticing Joel’s silence as she walked towards the small open shack a dozen yards away. The house the infected had come from was dilapidated, all the windows broken and looking like it was sinking in on itself. Not the safest. As soon as the girl was a good distance away and out of direct view, she walked towards Joel slowly as if approaching a skittish animal. His breath was a wheeze in the silence and he almost jumped when her hands reached out and touched his cheek. “Sit, come on. Nice and slow, just sit on the ground,” she coaxed him, cupping his face and drawing his attention away from the dead body. His eyes were glazed but he sank to his knees, hard and crunching the dried leaves. He was still upright, not allowing himself to fall onto his heels and sit completely, so she followed his lead. Knees to knees, her breath mingled with his and one hand went over the ones clutched to his chest, “Come on, Miller, I need you to take deep breaths in and deep breaths out. In through your nose and out through your mouth.” He was shaking, fingers digging into his shirt like he wanted to try and claw his heart out. His beard was rough against her palm, the silver hairs catching the dying light. Joel looked so lost. He never looked like that, was a constant pillar of confidence against the world. Unshakeable. To see him look that way, scared for the first time in a long while, had something twist inside her. His breaths were still shallow, lips quivering, so she mimicked the routine. Loud breaths in, deep sighs out, “You gotta breathe for me, Joel. In and out, real steady.” Awareness was slowly seeping into his eyes and her fingers slipped between his, clutched in his grasp. He focused on her and started to breathe, swallowing heavily. They were broken, stuttered gasps but he was trying. Her hand stayed on his cheek and she could feel each attempt, see the color and life come back to him. “There you are,” she whispered with a gentle smile, one that was usually reserved for Ellie. Joel never liked things gentle, rejected softness, so she had never offered it. Everything between them was rough, brutal, from the way they fought to how he would smash his mouth against hers during those tiny moments of privacy. 

They had hated each other and then…they didn’t. But it was never gentle, wasn’t love or even affection. 

She didn’t expect to be the one to keep him from breaking apart. His breathing was getting steadier, more confident. She almost smiled wider, “Okay. Go over the supplies we have in the first aid kit.” A furrow appeared between his brows, the first hint of Joel coming back, “What?” “Just do it, Tex,” it was a command but stayed coaxing, soft even as his fingers gripped her own so hard her bones protested. His eyes flickered all over while he struggled to think and her forehead came to rest against his, “Five things then in the kit.” Their matched breathing warmed her and with a stutter, Joel started listing things. Gauze. Tape. Needle and thread. Scissors. Tweezers. “Technically, that’s six,” she smirked and was pleased that by the end of the list, his breathing was back to normal and he was no longer shaking. “You can’t have a needle without thread. It’s one item,” Joel huffed roughly, not much humor in the comment. Silence took them over and neither moved. She knew his knees had to be hurting against the cold hard ground because hers were starting to, but she didn’t want to be the first one to pull away. She’d stay kneeling there all night if it was what he needed because somewhere along the lines of months they’d all been traveling, Joel had become one of hers. Not only Ellie, but this gruff older man who bit off her head yet gave her the bigger pieces of jerky and would sometimes stop her to kneel and tie her shoes for her. He took care of them both. In the dark he shared his favorite bands growing up and in the light acted like the sight of her made him angry. And now holding him after seeing him deal with a panic attack, she wondered how much of what he felt was hidden under layers and layers. If she’d ever actually get to know Joel and not only what he wanted her to see. Because he wasn’t unstoppable, wasn’t fearless. He was petrified. Slowly, she leaned forward and grazed his nose with her own. The prickle of his mustache and beard against her skin drove tingles across her skin, his breath warm against her lips. He didn’t stop her, didn’t shove her away and walk off even after she’d witnessed a vulnerability. Instead he leaned forward and met her lips with his, the barest of touches. More a press than an actual kiss. It was the gentlest thing she ever felt from the man and it seemed to do more than all the times he tasted her skin and pressed his tongue against her. She pressed harder, kissed him deeper, and tried to pour out everything she knew he would reject out loud. You’re okay. I’m okay. I’ve got you. His hand gripped hers but softened in answer. They wouldn’t talk about it. She knew as much not to push that. But he didn’t try to play it off and instead let her keep that secret of his and take on its burden. It was one of the few things they shared and she would guard it, guard him as fiercely as that little girl.

Even after she broke their kiss, gave him a small smile and helped him get to his feet so they could go check on Ellie, he didn’t let go of her hand.

[yelena-bellova]

Twenty Years Later: Joel Miller x F!Reader - Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight: Someone’s Something

Plot: Joel, Y/n and Ellie meet Henry and Sam, who try to convince them to team up to find their way out of Kansas City together.

Word Count: 7.1k

Warnings: tlou ep.5 spoilers, languge, implied smut, guns, mention of death, sa and loss of a child (16+)

A/N: Happy Valentines, y’all!! My gift to you is some light heartbreak with some fluff to soften the blow 😉

As always, this series is 16+ and I will not be adding anyone to the taglist unless your age is specified in your bio. Gotta look out for younger eyes 👀

Y’all have blown this lil’ ficlet idea up so much, I’m still shocked it’s this loved. I’m so excited to finish out the second half of the season with you guys. Hang onto your butts 🤍

——————

July 1st, 2002. Austin, Texas.

Y/n had integrated perfectly into the Miller’s life. Sarah adored her, Tommy loved her, and Joel couldn’t get enough of her. He’d never admit it to Sarah, but he was thankful that she’d taken matters into her own hands and snuck down to the hardware store that June day.

In the beginning of July, Sarah went away to a two-week summer camp. Joel and Y/n had seen her off on the bus, Joel fussing over whether or not she had everything she’d need. He didn’t do well when she was gone for more than a day, a combination of missing her dearly and parental worry. Y/n had made it her goal over the course of her trip to distract him as much as she could.

They’d made a dinner date at Joel’s house the day Sarah left, the first of fourteen that Y/n had to keep him busy. His days would be consumed by work, but his nights belonged to them. Y/n knocked on the front door of the house, carrying a six pack she’d picked up on the way.

Joel hurried to the door, swinging it open and enveloping Y/n in a hug. She laughed, clinging to his neck as he literally dragged her into the house. Joel’s lips were on her the second the door shut.

“Missed you,” he mumbled between kisses.

“You saw me, like, six hours ago,” Y/n managed to say.

“Way too long,” Joel smiled against her lips.

Y/n chuckled, “Yeah, well, if I die from lack of oxygen,” she wiggled a hand between their smushed chests, “You’re gonna miss me a whole lot more.”

Joel wrapped an arm around her neck, smiling so big his cheeks hurt. That was the effect Y/n had on him. She’d turned his curmudgeon qualities, plying them like clay until they were soft. He was a new man with her in his life.

“Joel,” she said softly.

“Yeah?” He was barely taking in her words, focused on how her lips were starting to swell from his attention.

“What’s burning?”

It didn’t register at first, then he remembered the food was still in the oven. “Shit,” he muttered, letting her go to run back to the kitchen and save their dinner.

Y/n chuckled, kicking off her shoes and heading in to help him.

Joel’s attempt at a simple roast chicken and potatoes turned out slightly crispy, but good, all in all. They’d eaten it at the table, Joel’s hands stretched across the surface to hold Y/n’s.

After their meal, they retired to the living room. Joel turned on the stereo and fell onto the couch, Y/n laying her legs across his lap.

“Well, day one’s almost over,” she said, “How’re you feeling?”

Joel sighed, “She called earlier when they got there. Sounded real excited.”

“And you could not sound happier about it,” Y/n chortled, “Joel, she’s going to be fine.”

“I know that, it’s just,” Joel strroked his hand over Y/n’s calf, “It’s been me and her for…ever. When she’s off it just…”

Y/n watched her boyfriend with soft eyes, waiting for him to say more.

“I know she’s growin’ up, she’s always been independent, but,” he paused staring down at his hands, “It gets easier and easier for her every year to get on that bus. Makes me think about the day she’ll leave for good.”

“You know that no matter where she goes,” Y/n offered, “She’s always coming back here. She loves you too much.”

Joel gently smiled, his fingers brushing against Y/n’s leg. She always knew the right thing to say.

“And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but she kinda loves me too,” Y/n smirked.

“Yeah, well, there’s a lot to work with there,” Joel winked.

Y/n giggled, her eyes drifting over Joel’s shoulder to the corner of the living room. An acoustic guitar sat propped up in a stand.

“Y’know, I still haven’t heard you play,” she said, nodding to the instrument.

For as much as he loved music, he still got a little bashful about his talent. “I sound like everyone else,” he replied.

“Yeah, nice try,” Y/n wasn’t so easily discouraged, “Play me something.”

Much like his daughter, there wasn’t a lot Joel could deny Y/n. If it was going to make her smile, he’d gladly do it. He lifted her legs off of him and went to retrieve the guitar.

“Does the audience have any requests?” Joel asked, settling back down beside her and fiddling with the tuning pegs.

Y/n tucked her legs into her chest, barely containing her grin, “Something sweet.”

Joel finished tuning the guitar and took his position. He hadn’t played for anyone other than Sarah in a very long time.

The first pluck of the strings relaxed them both, Joel settled into the piece quickly. Y/n watched his fingers dance up and down the string, a series of movements only he knew. It sounded like an old folk song, the kind that told the tale of doomed lovers torn apart by tragedy. She had enough musical knowledge to know it was in a minor key. Sweet, it was not, but it was brimming with passion, and the way Joel watched the strings so intensely only added to it. Y/n was taken aback by the simple beauty of him, pouring himself into the music.

When it was over, a few final notes slowing the tempo before stopping entirely, Joel looked over to Y/n, a whisper of a smile playing upon his lips. Their eyes connected, the ever present flame between them stretching the distance between their bodies. In that moment, Joel was thankful they were alone.

In the same set of seconds, Joel blindly set the guitar down to the side and Y/n surged forward, the two of them meeting in a heated kiss. Y/n held both of Joel’s cheeks in her hands while he maneuvered her on top of him, their lips never losing their connection. The sadness of the song had drawn them together, both needing to feel the fullness of each other’s devotion to counter the loss that the notes had grieved. That wasn’t them, they said with each touch, it could never be them.

—————————

September 28th, 2002. Austin, Texas.

Fall had hit Texas, as much as it could affect the south, anyway. Sarah and Y/n were in the backyard of the Milller home. Sarah had her first soccer game of the season that weekend and she wanted to get in some extra practice.

“Okay,” Y/n called from the goal, “Don’t go easy on me.”

“Yeah, right,” Sarah scoffed, she was never afraid to show the full force of her talent on the field. Faking Y/n out, she broke to the left before making a sudden right turn and shooting the ball through the goal.

“Yes,” she exclaimed, pulling her fists down in celebration.

“Alright, alright, alright,” Y/n smirked, coming up beside Sarah as she did a little victory dance, “Don’t get too cocky. Let’s work on your goalkeeping.”

Sarah grooved her way back to the goal, “Okay, but I’m kinda spectacular at that too.”

“Well, we certainly don’t need to work on your confidence,” Y/n remarked. Sarah had the same cockiness, reserved only for things she was truly great at, as her father.

Joel materialized then, coming through the back door and watching his girls from the deck. “How we lookin’?”

“Today, Taft Middle School,” Y/n replied, catching the ball with her heel as Sarah kicked it, “Tomorrow, FIFA.”

Joel smiled proudly, both at Sarah and Y/n. Most women would have kept distance between them and their partner’s child. Y/n had jumped in headfirst, determined to be there for Sarah as much as she wanted her. She was the feminine influence his daughter had been denied all her life.

“Alright,” Y/n announced, “Good?”

Sarah nodded, “Good.”

Joel saw an opportunity and couldn’t pass it up. He carefully made his way down the steps of the deck, sneaking through the grass and up behind Y/n just as she was about to make her shot. As she wound her leg back, Joel wrapped his arms around her middle and lifted her into the air.

Y/n shrieked as she was swung around, “Joel!”

“Sarah, steal it,” he yelled, smiling as Y/n wriggled in his embrace.

Sarah surged forward, avoiding Y/n’s flailing legs as she fought against Joel, and snatched the ball. She moved through the grass effortlessly and landed a perfect kick into the net.

Laughing heartily, Joel finally released Y/n back to the ground. He shared a high-five with his daughter as she bounded back to them.

“You two are awful,” Y/n gave Joel a shove to his chest, her wide grin contradicting her words.

Joel hung an arm around his girlfriend’s neck, pressing a kiss to her temple. “C’mon,” he separated from Y/n and clapped his hands, “Two-on-one, girls vs. boys.”

“We’re gonna destroy you,” Sarah teased, coming to stand beside Y/n.

“I wouldn’t expect anything else,” he quipped, standing in front of the goal.

The three of them stayed out until sunset, practicing plenty, but laughing more than anything.

—————————

December 25th, 2002. Austin, Texas.

The Millers didn’t do anything spectacular for Christmas. A church service on the 24th, a simple dinner on the 25th, and presents.

It had been decided that both Tommy and Y/n would spend the night, it would make waking up and opening gifts easier than waiting for them to drive over. Tommy had taken the collapsable cot, his body was still used to military accommodations, while Y/n had gone for the couch. Joel and her were still hesitant to spend nights together, sleeping over at the other’s only when Sarah was away at her own sleepovers. Christmas didn’t feel like the time to test any boundaries.

Just past midnight, Y/n was still wide awake, tossing and turning on the sofa. There was a light snowfall happening outside and she hoped if she watched the flakes flutter through the air long enough, she’d drift off to sleep. So far, she’d had no such luck.

She took stock of the living room in its entirety. A fresh pine tree sat in the corner, a modest stack of presents surrounding the trunk. Two stockings were hung on the walls, Sarah and Joel’s names stitched across each. The room still faintly smelled like the batch of cookies her and Sarah had baked earlier in the evening. Even in the dark and completely silent, the house felt warm.

Footsteps down the stairs drew Y/n’s attention away from the decorations. She expected to see Sarah tiptoeing in to sneak a peek at the presents. Instead, Joel’s broad shadow entered the room.

“Can’t sleep?” Y/n asked from the couch.

Joel shook his head, “Nope.”

Y/n gave a small nod, pretending like the silence wasn’t as full of asking as it was. Joel’s posture had purpose in it, he wasn’t leaving until he got what he came for.

He tipped his head back towards the stairs, his eyes never leaving Y/n’s. “C’mon,” he said, his voice raspy with near sleep.

Y/n smiled to herself, throwing off her blanket and crossing the room to take Joel’s hand. The two of them tiptoed back up the stairs, trying not to wake Sarah or Tommy. Y/n knew the walk to Joel’s bedroom like the back of her hand, navigating in the dark made no difference. She certainly didn’t need Joel’s hands on her hips to guide her, but she welcomed them anyway.

Once the door shut, their routine commenced. Joel went to his dresser, blindly reaching into one of his drawers and tossing Y/n one of his flannels. Y/n slipped it on over her t-shirt, the sleeves ending way past the tips of her fingers. They made their way to their dedicated sides of the bed, Joel closest to the door because he felt better being a wall of protection between Y/n and the world.

“We have to get up before Sarah,” Y/n reminded him.

“We’ve got a 50% chance of makin’ it down before her,” Joel said, his hands gliding around her body to pull her into him, “Christmas morning, she’s up at the crack of dawn.”

Y/n drew closer to Joel, resting one hand on his chest and the other gripping the back of his neck. Already, she could feel her body relaxing in a way the couch just couldn’t coax out of her.

All the tension Joel had been carrying in his spine went lax the moment Y/n’s fingers grazed his skin. He was finding it harder and harder to sleep without her.

“Thank you,” she said out of the blue.

“For what?” Joel asked.

Y/n’s fingers danced along the line between the ends of his hair and the base of his skull. “For letting me be a part of all this,” she answered, her voice barely above a whisper.

Joel’s heart swelled, he took one of her cheeks into his hand and let their lips drift towards one another. Six months in, and he wasn’t sure if he could fall any harder in love with Y/n. She wasn’t just his, she was theirs. She was a permanent fixture in their home, the house a little less bright when she was absent from it. She had become a confidante to Sarah, a best friend to Tommy and everything to Joel. How could he not want her in every part of their lives?

“‘M afraid you’re stuck with us, Rosebud,” Joel smiled after he pulled back, brushing his thumb across her cheekbone.

“No place I’d rather be,” Y/n returned his grin.

Pressing one final kiss to her forehead, Joel tucked Y/n against his chest, his chin resting atop her head. She let her hand drift around to his back, her fingers spreading across the expanse as she tried to hold as much of him as she could. They fell asleep within minutes, the gentle snowstorm outside creating beauty that would only enhance the magic of Christmas for the Miller family.

—————————

2023. Kansas City, Missouri.

“Eye on me! Eyes on me!”

Joel’s eyes slid to the other side of the room, to the man with the barrel of his gun pointed at Ellie. Her and Y/n both had their hands raised high.

“You don’t have to worry about what to say,” the young man said, “We don’t wanna hurt you. We wanna help you.”

Joel watched him, he was shifting his weight between both feet, no expert marksman was that nervous to threaten someone’s life. Joel felt significantly better about his chances.

“Okay.”

“Okay, um…” the young man paused, “I don’t know what the next step is with something like this, but if I lower my gun…we didn’t hurt you…so you don’t hurt us…right?”

Joel stared him down, “That’s right.”

“That’s a weird fuckin’ tone, man,” their enemy replied.

“That’s just the way he sounds,” Ellie interrupted, first looking to the stranger and then back to Joel, “He has an asshole voice. Joel, tell him he’s okay.”

Joel stared, nearly a hint of a smirk at his lips, “Everything is great.”

“Dude…” Ellie muttered.

“We’re not going to hurt you,” Y/n intervened, looking to the man, “Now drop the fucking guns before I second guess myself.”

“That wasn’t any better,” Ellie exclaimed.

“Fuck! Okay, listened,” the stranger started, his voice practically trembling, “I’m gonna trust you.”

He then stopped to signal something to the child, Y/n recognized it as ASL. They communicated something none of them could understand.

“But if any of you guys try anything,” the man kept his gun aimed at Ellie, nodding to Joel and Y/n, “Yeah? Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Ellie whispered, her heart was in her throat.

The child backed away from Joel and Y/n’s mattress, his aim still firmly locked onto them. Y/n was trying to get her heartbeat back down to a normal range.

“Can I sit up?” Joel asked, his voice was still on edge.

“Yeah,” the stranger conceded, “Slow. Get up slow.”

Joel obeyed, rising to a seated position without any rush. He raised his hands, the left one grazing Y/n’s injured right. Shockingly, the fleeting touch made her feel a little less nervous. If Joel was good for nothing else, at least he was a good fighter. They could get out of this easily, if necessary.

“Who are you?” Joel asked.

“My name’s Henry,” the now-named stranger answered, “That’s my brother, Sam. I’m the most wanted man in Kansas City. Although right now,” Henry finally lowered his gun, “My guess is you’re running a close second. Her too.”

Y/n and Joel looked to one another, that ambush was going to come back to bite them in the ass, one way or another.

“Henry,” Y/n spoke up, lowering her hands and laying them palm up in her lap, “We’re gonna need a lot more than that.”

The five of them ended up huddled around a lantern, snacking on their dwindling food supply and waiting for the rest of the story to unfold. Henry had made it clear that he had to get some food in his brother first. It had been Ellie’s idea to share what they had left.

“Where’d you get these?” Henry asked, chewing on a cracker.

“From Bill,” Ellie answered, “He’s dead.”

Y/n and Joel had been watching Sam, digging into what they’d shared with him as if he hadn’t eaten in days. There was a real possibility of it, or something along the lines. They both wordlessly handed what was left of their portions to the boy, who in return, signed something to his brother.

“He says ‘thank you,’” Henry relayed, “I’m guessing you don’t have much so, this means a lot.”

“How old is he?” Ellie asked.

The brothers talked amongst themselves, with Henry answering, “He’s eight.”

Ellie nodded, “Cool. I’m Ellie.”

“Y/n,” Y/n spoke up, wanting to try and make the child feel as comfortable as the circumstances would allow.

Henry spelled out the names for Sam, who responded with a sign that both Y/n and Ellie assumed meant ‘cool.’

Ellie smiled before smacking Joel on the knee and waiting for him to introduce himself.

“I’m Joel,” he swallowed his last bite, “Look, you ate, we didn’t kill each other, let’s call this a win-win and move on.”

Henry dusted off his hands, “Well, I’m betting that y’all came up here to get a view of the city and plan a way out. And when the sun’s up, I’ll show you one.”

Joel and Y/n thought it over separately before glancing over at one another. If Henry hadn’t killed them by now, he wouldn’t. He already knew their supply was low, the only reason he was sticking around was because he needed something from them.

“Okay,” Y/n answered for them, earning a quick turn and glare from Joel, “Sam can take our bed. As soon as morning hits, you show us the route.”

Henry scoffed, “Just like that you’re gonna trust us?”

“I know the eyes of a liar, Henry,” Y/n leaned forward, resting her elbow on her knee, “And you don’t have ‘em. You weren’t even going to kill us in the first place, and you certainly weren’t gonna make him do it.”

Joel was ready to jump in at any second, but Y/n spoke with such precision and intention, he couldn’t come up with any reason to stop her.

“So how about we get some sleep,” Y/n continued, “And tackle this tomorrow?”

Henry’s eyes focused in on Y/n, someone as calculated as she was was either the most honest person on the planet or so calcuating and conniving, they could deceive the worst of humanity.

“Okay,” he landed on trust, “First thing.”

Ellie and Sam settled onto their makeshift mattresses, while the adults sat against the walls of the apartment. Henry on one side, Joel and Y/n on the other.

“What happened to equals?” Joel asked, the edge to his words undercutting the softness of their volume.

“Would what you have said been any different?” Y/n countered, watching as Joel tried to come up with an answer that differed from hers, “Exactly.”

The two of them stayed close to one another, without actually touching. Y/n was still slightly rattled from waking up with Joel’s hand over hers.

“Although my fucking neck’s gonna be messed up all day,” Y/n mumbled, trying to find a comfortable position to rest her head against the wall.

While they trusted an already sleeping Henry enough not to kill them, instinct told both Y/n and Joel to not leave themselves in such a vulnerable positon again. Sleeping sitting up was the only option that would allow them a little bit of rest.

And Joel hated what he was about to offer.

“You can…” he pointed to his shoulder, “If you want.”

“I don’t want” Y/n quickly replied.

Joel sighed in exasperation, “Forget I offered.”

He crossed his arms and settled against the wall, shutting his eyes and shutting down his momentary lapse into generosity.

Y/n inhaled, trying to get over herself. She was getting way too much up close and personal time with Joel to feel comfortable. But it was either another dose or a hideous day of lingering discomfort without the blessing of Ibuprofen.

She awkwardly scooted closer to him until their thighs were touching, causing Joel to open one eye. He looked down at their parallel bodies and back to Y/n.

“Just don’t grab my hand,” she grumbled, laying her head down on his shoulder and praying that her stomach stayed unaffected.

Joel’s body stiffened as she rested on him, a quick shot of adrenaline running through his extremities. He wanted to pretend to be unmoved, unbothered by her touch, but it was impossible. He would never fully be without affection for the way she felt against him.

“Go ahead,” Y/n said, sensing his discomfort but mistaking it for simply physical.

Joel hesitated a few seconds before shaking himself out of his doubt and resting his head on top of Y/n’s.

When the weight of Joel’s skull fell on hers, Y/n’s natural instincts took over and she almost, almost, tucked into him more. It was by the grace of God that she caught herself before she did it. No matter how hard her mind loathed him, her body would have accepted him back in a heartbeat.

The two ex-lovers sat against the wall, still trying to convince themselves that they were miles apart.

—————————

Just as the night before, they woke up so much closer than intended.

Y/n had fully curled into Joel, snuggling into his chest at some point during their glorified nap. When she woke up to the rough scratch of his flannel agaisnt her cheek, drowsiness did not immediately remind her she was in the year 2023. In her sleep-adled state, it was winter of 2002.

When consciousness pulled her back to the land of the living, she lightly groaned. Why were their sleeping selves making everything so complicated?

Y/n rolled off of Joel, causing him to sharply inhale. He blinked a few times, rubbed a hand over his face and evaluated the room. Henry was still asleep, but Sam and Ellie were already awake and sitting on the edges of their beds.

Y/n was beside him, at least twelve inches of space between them.

“I do anything in my sleep?” Joel asked.

Y/n shook her head, sucking on her bottom lip, “Nope.”

Joel wasn’t buying it, “Then whydya got that look on your face?”

“I know why,” Ellie teased in a sing-song tone.

Y/n let out two loud claps, startling Henry awake, and got to her feet. “Rise and shine, time to work.”

Joel stayed on the ground, watching how fast she moved around the room. Something had happened and it had messed with her. He ran a hand over his right shoulder, noticing that it was warm when the rest of him felt cold. He peered back over at Y/n, rifling through her backpack to find Ellie and Sam breakfast. He watched how she crouched down and handed the kids what was assuredly the lion’s share of her rations. How she held up a questioning thumbs up to Sam, who in return, smiled and copied the gesture. How she cared. She still cared so much.

It was killing him.

But there were bigger things to worry about than the stirring in his heart for the woman who perhaps, hadn’t changed that much at all.

————————————

Once fed and watered, the group of five headed a few floors up to the apartment building’s conference room. Henry had promised it had the best view of the city.

“Welcome to Killa City,” he announced, showcasing the place in daylight through the massive windows.

“No FEDRA,” Joel observed.

“Not as of ten days ago, no,” Henry replied.

“We always heard KC FEDRA was-“

“Monsters? Savages?” Henry finished for Joel, “Yeah, you heard right. Raped and tortured and murdered people for twenty years.”

Y/n looked down at her shoes, “Fucking hell.” It was stories like Kansas City that were one of her reasons for joining the Fireflies.

“And you know what happens when you do that to people?” Henry continued, “The moment they get a chance, they do it right back to you.”

“But you’re not FEDRA,” Joel stated.

Henry paused before answering, “No…worse. I’m a collaborator.”

Joel shook his head, “I don’t work with rats.”

Y/n wasn’t so quick to walk away, Henry had too much of a heart it seemed to be a true collaborator. He had a story.

“Yeah, you fucking do,” Henry said, “Today you do, ‘cause I live here and you two don’t. That’s how I followed you here. I know this city and I’m gonna help you out.”

Joel watched Henry as he spoke, trying to see through him, “Why help us?”

“I saw what you two did,” Henry answered, “The way you killed those men. Now I know where to go, but I don’t know how to make it through alone, not if it’s just Sam and me.”

“You seem capable enough,” Joel replied, “You’re armed.”

“You’re wrong and wrong,” Henry said, “Never killed anyone. And pointing an unloaded gun at you was the closest I’ve ever come to being violent.”

Y/n nodded, no one let their hand shake that much when holding a loaded gun.

“So that’s the deal,” Henry stated, “I show you the way, you clear the way.”

Joel didn’t need anyone else slowing them down or making them more noticeable. And partnering with Henry would only make them bigger targets.

At the table behind them, Ellie and Sam were seated, reading from Ellie’s pun book. The energy was divided down the room; the grown-up side was deathy heavy while the kid’s side was warm and uplifting.

“Haven’t heard that in a long time,” Henry smiled, watching his little brother laugh.

Joel turned back to the window as he tried to put distance between him and the moment. Y/n glanced over at him, watching as the cogs in his mind turned. Her mind was already made up, it would have been wonderful if they could avoid an argument.

“So how’re we getting out?” Joel relented, turning to Henry.

Henry fetched a piece of paper from one of the drawers, office supplies had never been in high demand post-pandemic. He sketched out a square, writing down the names of the roads that cut through the city.

“Highways…” he pointed to one section, “Downtown,” then to the other, “Us. This whole area belongs to Kathleen.”

“And she is…?” Y/n asked, standing between Joel and Henry.

“Leader of the resistance,” Henry answered, “You can see the way we’re bounded by highways. They got people posted all around the inside perimeter. If we get close, we get caught. No question.”

“So how do we get across?” Ellie asked.

Henry banged a fist against the table to get Sam’s attention, signing something to him after. Sam went to drawing on his magnetic erase pad, Joel wasn’t made to feel any better about a kid being involved in the planning of their escape.

Sam held up his pad, having written the word ‘Tunnels’ on it.

Henry snapped his fingers, “Boom.”

“Kansas City has a subway?” Joel asked.

“No,” Henry answered, “But they do have maintenance tunnels. There’s a bunch of buildings all put up by the same developers. And they share these tunnels, including…” he pointed down to a specific section of his sketch, “A bank building here,” he began to draw their route, “So we enter the tunnels here, travel underground, and pop up here. Westside North. Residential. There’s an embankment on the other side of the houses. We head down, pedestrian bridge over the river,” Henry dropped his pencil, “Free as a bird.”

“You’re right,” Joel admitted, “It’s a great plan. So what do you need us for?”

Henry hesitated a moment, “You notice anything strange about this city? I mean, other than the strange shit you’ve already seen?”

“No Infected?” Ellie guessed before Y/n and Joel could.

“Oh, there’s Infected,” Henry replied, “Just not on the surface. FEDRA drove them underground fifteen years ago, and never let them come back up. It’s the only good thing those fascist motherfuckers ever did.’

Joel looked between Y/n and Ellie, “So you want us goin’ into a tunnel?”

“Everyone thinks that it’s full of Infected,” Henry quickly corrected, he sensed Joel’s doubt, “Including Kathleen, which means that we’re not gonna be running into any of her people. But you see, what I know is…it’s empty.”

“You know this?” Y/n questioned, “You’ve seen it? With your own eyes?”

“No,” Henry replied.

Joel took a deep breath, hands on his hips again. Y/n sighed and rested her elbows on the table. Henry was losing them both.

“But the FEDRA guy that I worked with told me that it’s clean,” the young man continued, “Completely clean. They cleared it out. All of it.”

“How long ago?” Y/n asked, shutting her eyes as if it could shut out their problems.

“Like,” Henry shrugged, “Three years ago.”

Joel scoffed, glancing to Ellie as if asking if she was believing this either.

“Okay, maybe there’s one or two,” Henry quickly said, “But you can handle it.”

“You’re making this sound a whole lot simpler than it is,” Y/n responded, looking to Joel, whose eyes were already expectantly waiting on her. “We need a minute.

Y/n pushed open the glass doors, bringing them outside the conference room and giving them a sliver of privacy.

Joel pointed a finger behind them, “You still feel good about this?”

“Not exceptionally, no,” she answered truthfully, “But we don’t exactly have a lot of other options, now do we?”

“If this guy’s gonna endanger our lives more than if we were on our own,” Joel argued, “Then we’re better off-“

“Fighting our way through a city we’ve never been in with targets the size of Texas on our backs?” Y/n finished for him, “Look, I don’t wanna go down there either. But we’re guaranteed a very slow, very painful death if we go it alone. I’d rather have allies and stand a chance, at least.”

Joel wanted to fight tooth and nail, but he knew she was right. She’d always had a talent for being right.

“Plus, it’ll give you plenty to lord over Tommy’s head when we get to Wyoming,” Y/n quipped, her mouth still frowned but her eyes were lit up with humor.

Joel huffed, he’d have laughed if the situation wasn’t so dire. The thought of seeing his brother and his ex together again was a sight he didn’t think he’d ever be ready to see.

Without another word, and a silent concession from Joel, the two of them marched back into the conference room where the debate was still being held.

Henry pointed to Ellie, “She says y’all fought off two Clickers. Is that true?”

Joel and Y/n uncomfortably shifted, the dread sweeping over them.

“And you’re still alive,” Henry stated, “You see? You’re the right people. If it gets bad down there, we turn around, and run right back out the same way we came.”

Joel was about one poorly constructed sentence away from giving the whole idea up, “Oh, that’s your great plan?”

“No, that’s my dicey-as-fuck plan,” Henry fired back, “But as far as I can tell, it’s our only shot.”

Sam signed something to Henry.

“They’re saying,” Henry narrated as he signed back, “They’re going to help us escape,” he turned back to the party, “Right?”

Y/n rolled her eyes, “That was a low fuckin’ blow, man.”

Henry didn’t seem bothered at all by the manipulation.

Joel’s jaw twitched as he thought it all over. Y/n could practically feel his unease. She craned her neck back, muttering more into his body than at him, “Lesser of two evils.”

With every fiber of his being, Joel wanted to fight. But instead, he let his hands fall against his legs, admitting defeat.

—————————

The team got across the city with minimal close calls, every once in a while there’d be a truck or patrol group to avoid. They got to the bank building intact and only slightly out of breath.

“We need to get outta sight,” Joel said, every entrance/exit of the place was structured in a glass wall.

“Uh, I-I-I think it’s this way,” Henry pointed towards one of the halls, the rest of them following.

They trailed through the building till they hit a back door, hopefully leading to the tunnel entrance. Joel and Y/n entered it cautiously with their guns drawn.

“This should be it,” Henry announced, “You ready?”

Joel looked to Ellie, “Get your gun out.”

Rebelling in her own small way, once again, Ellie pulled out the gun from her jacket pocket. At this point, Joel wasn’t surprised in the least that she wasn’t heeding his advice. Him and Y/n marched forward regardless and took the lead. They entered through another door, delivering them into the tunnel system.

“You see?” Henry proved, “It’s empty. The plan is good.”

Joel and Y/n quickly shushed him. “‘The plan is good?’” Joel repeated, “We’ve been down here two seconds. We don’t know anything.”

Henry looked to Ellie, “Your dad’s kind of a pessimist.”

“I’m not her dad.”

“He’s not my dad.”

“He’s not her dad.”

Joel, Y/n and Ellie’s protests overlapped.

“Just point your light forward,” Joel instructed, tightly gripping his own, “And be ready to run.”

Y/n steadied her breathing and began to move beside Joel down the underground maze.

They walked for around an hour, snaking down the sets of tunnels, holding their flashlights and handguns as if they were life itself. Eventually, they turned down a hall with child’s art painted all along it. The door was even painted as castle. All of them examined the walls in quiet confusion.

Sam bounded forward, wanting to go through and explore. Joel threw his hand out to stop him, “No.”

Y/n tucked her flashlight under her chin and gripped her pistol, sharing an affirmative nod with Joel that they were ready. He slowly turned the doorknob and it creaked open, revealing a room that looked…civilized.

The whole place looked like a daycare center. There were toys scattered throughout storage bins, art and books against the walls, small cups, and a faded soccer goal painted across one of the cinderblock walls.

“I heard about places this this,” Joel commented, taking stock of their surroundings, “People went underground after Outbreak Day. Built settlements.”

“What happened to them?” Ellie asked.

“Maybe they didn’t follow the rules and all got infected,” Joel replied.

While Ellie and Sam sat down, playing with a few of the toys, Y/n, Henry and Joel scanned the room. Whoever had been living there, they’d been gone long enough for a layer of dust to settle across everything.

“Hey,” Joel called to Ellie who was being a little too loud, “Keep it down. We’re not out yet.”

“Ah, c’mon,” Ellie groaned, “Can we just rest here for a while? There’s, like, actually shit to do here.”

“Wouldn’t be so bad to wait the light out a bit,” Henry agreed, “Safer in the shadows when we pop back out on the other side.”

Joining Ellie and Henry, Y/n tilted her head in a slight shrug to Joel. It was a smart decision and he was just going to have to get over himself.

Joel shrugged back to the group, raising an eyebrow and going back to checking out the room.

Ellie and Sam occupied themselves by reading comic books and messing around with some of the toys. Henry, Joel and Y/n rested at a table, putting their feet up without actually relaxing at all. At some point, Ellie and Sam switched to kicking a soccer ball around on the makeshift field. Y/n watched carefully as Ellie interacted with the boy, she was so caring and patient. She’d confided that she didn’t have any brothers or sisters, but the glow coming from her radiated big sister energy.

Y/n scooted her chair back and walked across the room. “Can I join?”

Ellie enthusiastically began to switch the ball between her feet, trying to fake Y/n out. Y/n rotated to stand alongside Sam at the goal.

“That’s not fair,” Ellie argued, “There’s two of you.”

“Oh, so you’re saying you can’t do it,” Y/n teased.

Ellie’s determination set in, jumping slightly in place before kicking the ball in between Sam and Y/n’s legs quicker than they could stop it.

“Oh, shit,” she exclaimed, shooting her hands into the air.

Sam and Y/n shared a laugh before Y/n got down on her knees, “Can you teach me something?”

Sam watched her lips and nodded, showing her a sign. To her, it looked like he was pulling something out of his mouth, before bringing his two thumbs up and splitting their directions at his chest.

Y/n mimicked it, “What does this mean?”

“Oh, that’s from Savage Starlight,” Ellie exclaimed, copying the gesture with them, “‘Endure and survive.’”

The three of them continued to sign it over and over. It seemed to make both Ellie and Sam extremely happy, which meant Y/n would do it as many times as they wanted.

Joel and Henry watched from their seats. To say Joel’s heart ached would have been an understatement. His soul was barely holding together, a new piece of it dying off every day. But Y/n and Ellie had somehow kept the last few from withering. It was so subtle, he hadn’t even figured the phenomenon out yet. He was barely self-aware. But seeing Y/n, crouched down on the floor with the kids, still with the innate need to make the world around her better, he came to fully realize his thought from earlier in the day.

She was still his Y/n.

Smiling, laughing, loving, caring, kinder than the world deserved. Underneath all the anger was the woman he had loved with all his heart.

And that fucking terrified him.

As Y/n made her way back to them, Joel pulled himself back to reality, switching gears and channeling his energy into focusing on the kids. Specifically Sam. He was eight years old and in survival mode. No child deserved that. It was making him rethink his stance on the things he’d said earlier.

“If you were collaboratin’ to take care of him,” he said to Henry, “I…I shouldn’t have save what I said. I don’t know your situation. And I’m not sayin’ they should let it go, but all things considered, seems kinda cruel—to send a whole army after you for that.”

Henry waited a few seconds, Ellie’s cheers filling the silence, before speaking. “You know, I wasn’t, uh…exactly telling you the truth before…about me not killing someone.”

Y/n and Joel’s attention turned to him exclusively.

“There was a man,” Henry began, “A great man. You know, he was never afraid…never selfish…and he was always forgiving. Have you ever met someone like that? Kinda man you’d follow anywhere.”

Y/n tensed up, forbidding her eyes from flicking to Joel.

“I mean, I wanted to. Well…I would’ve,” Henry gathered strength for the rest of his story, “Yeah, but, uh…Sam, he, uh, he got sick. Leukemia,” he scanned Joel and Y/n’s somber expressions, “Yeah, anyway, um…there was one drug that worked and, whoa, big shock…there wasn’t much left of it, and it belonged to FEDRA. And if I wanted some, it was gonna take something big. So I gave them something big. That one great man. The leader of the resistance movement in Kansas City. And Kathleen’s brother.”

Understanding washed over Joel and Y/n. All the firepower, the tanks, the trucks, it all made sense.

“Yeah, so, you still think they should take it easy on me?” Henry asked rhetorically, “Or am I the bad guy?”

Y/n stayed silent, weighing morals against necessity. Joel pulled his lips down, barely shaking his head before Henry cut off what he would have said, “I don’t know what you’re waitin’ on, man. The answer’s easy. I am the bad guy because I did a bad guy thing.”

“But you did it to keep him alive,” Y/n spoke up, “You’d go to the ends of the earth for him. That’s not evil, that’s family.”

Henry’s eyes cut through the space between Joel and Y/n, “You two get it,” he nodded toward Joel, ”You may not be her father, but you were someone’s. See, I could tell.”

There it was. The big, dreadful, terrible thing that Joel and Y/n had gotten this far without talking about. It was the unspoken wound, the one deep enough to kill yet shallow enough that it didn’t show. It was a constant phantom pain in both their chests and it broke them all over again to have it brought up.

“You too,” Henry smiled at Y/n, nodding to Ellie, “That is, if she’s not yours.”

Y/n didn’t think the blade could slide any deeper into her heart. She had been something to someone once, and it was as much a part of her still as the air she breathed.

“Uh,” Y/n tearily began, clearing her throat quickly, “No, she’s not mine.”

Joel had had more than he could handle just by Henry’s assumption about him. Referring to Y/n as the word he couldn’t bring himself to utter in that context had sent him over the edge. He picked up his gun from the table and practically jumped to his feet, “We’ve waited long enough.”

Y/n stayed still at the table, holding back her tears took so much strength, it was stealing her ability to move. If she allowed herself to cry in front of Joel, she didn’t think she’d ever recover.

Henry didn’t ask questions, he didn’t bring up the very visible sorrow etched across Y/n’s face. Some hurt was palpable without ever being touched on, and it was painfully clear that Joel hadn’t been the only one to lose a child…

————

TYL Taglist: @bachiracore @stolenxkissess @kayleezra @the-wistful-reader @allthesesonsofbitches @goth-detectives365 @trippovert @rh1nestonecowg1rl @emiliaserpe @khaleesihavilliard @frietiemeloen @gracie7209 @dorck26 @thegirlnextdoorssister @alanis-altair @mariwinns16 @whosscruffylooking @endofthexline @alexiaricciardo @eonnyx @pedrosmexicangf @scarlettequinn @ao-sleepy @toinfinityandbeyonce2 @deanlovescassie @turmoil-ash @sorrowjunky @kpopslur @xxlilyxx90 @midgetpottermills @presidential-facts @scoopsnini @tubble-wubble @jamesdeerest @burninggracesandbridges @star-wars-lover @lucyhotchner @cococola-cocaine @witheringhqarts @fall-writes @alwaysdjarin @xxmoonn @emilia-the-artist @wand-erer5 @boneyarrd @lizard-zombie @itwasallinmyhead1 @cassidylea123 @paleepeaches @mxltifxnd0m @kettlekatie @ultimate-cinephile @gloryekaterina @caramelkatsukis-bitch @whovianayesha @memeorydotcom @deadunicorn159 @get0ut0fmyr00m @siriuslymooned @emmyeed @superbreadsoul @hellu-people1 @ourautumn86 @inas-thing @noraapple05 @givemylovetoall @luvwanda @avengersfan25 @pedr0swh0r3 (tags cont. in comments)

[halcome]

Oh gods I didn't even realize it was Saturday, new Wild Life ep let's go!!! Wooo!!!

(reacting as I watch below)

Gonna do my heart a favor and just edit this post as I watch, seems to be a calm session but with the speed mechanics its only a matter of time before I see someone run off a cliff. Still recovering from the snails, small morsels of content are a must.

Grian's Wild Life Ep. 4

Grian and Mumbo doing their best to help Skizz murder is a delight as always, but I feel like their plans always seem to benefit them in the end and not Skizz.

Already terrified of the minecart cannon Grian made and I dont think theyre fast enough yet to launch it far.

Made some breakfast, some scrambled eggs with peppers and a side of, OMG SCAR

I probs should've guessed he'd immediately put a tnt minecart down to test it but everyone was so close by, gave me a lil scare. Also does Mumbo not have self preservation instincts? Cause everyone backed up but he kept staring at it, barely inching away. Guessing his redstone and curiosity instincts were stronger than his need to stay yellow.

Grian: Mumbo, is the moon fast?

Omg he said the line!

If I remember correctly speed + tnt minecart = more power, Grian holding up a shield was a good effort but dear lord that was quite the death.

Genuinely, what on earth just happened?

Mumbo died the most Looney Toon death I've ever seen, running for water and turned to ash. Scar was an absolute menace too, shooting Grian off that ledge was a very Hot Guy move. I wonder if he'll make it to the very end? I know Grian's targeting Scar now but something tells me he's gonna survive by sheer dumb luck.

SmallishBeans' Wild Life Ep. 4

Cool guys don't look at explosions! Something, something, TNT takes 4 seconds to explode. Timings are demolished.

8:00 Joel on his ballerina arc.

Took a break to finish homework, came back to Jimmy trying to take a chunk out of Joel's "somewhere" ??? Usual shenanigans it seems.

Seen Skizz frolicking in the sunflowers twice now from 2 different viewpoints, he's really enjoying his time on a death game server, proud of em.

Absolutely loving how proud everyone is of Mumbo getting a kill, always nice to see the little reminders that even though this is a death game of bloodshed and betrayal they're still friends in the end. Though I have seen clips of Bdubs holding grudges, so while everyone is friend shaped, they are not forgive and forget shaped.

Joel giving so many diamonds to Lizzie is incredible. Man's forever smitten with his missus. Lizzie the absolute queen!

Absolute chaos at the end with how Joel edited it. I know it was technical difficulties but it just fits so well with how chaotic it was.

Mumbo Jumbo's Wild Life Ep. 4

I know Mumbo placed the creeper from Grian's POV but goodness he's a little rascal given the chance.

Omg that Scott kill though was smooth as heck. He waited so long and it paid off big time. Little block break and plop, there goes the Scott! Absolutely loved how simple it went, the silence from Scott as his brain caught up to him was amazing too. I gotta watch his POV next for sure!

Is it just me or is Mumbo really going after Scott? Tasted blood and immediately became addicted to the one source. If Mumbo ends up being the reason Scott's out of the series ima laugh. The amount of paranoia Scott would have by the end of it would be immense.

And he gave up... Welp, can't wait to see him try and kill Gem next session!

[chasedbyatlantic]

persimmon, joel miller

masterlist summary: IN WHICH — when you and joel miller are having a relaxing day outside of jackson, you accidentally come across one of his favourite things.

warnings: post outbreak!joel, jackson era!joel, female!era, no use of y/n, relationship-like content from joel and reader, cute bickering and flirting, literally just fluff, mentions of guns/injuries/swearing. lmk if i missed anything!

wordcount: 2.1k

a/n: i am heavily obsessed with the new fruit for flies ep by the army, the navy so i was heavily inspired to write for this. tell me joel wouldnt absolutely love persimmons like ik he would love them. remember to like, comment, reblog, and follow for more!! xoxo

—

Days spent outside the walls meant days spent with him. You were not one to complain about company, not now, not ever. You two started your runs a year ago, by a force of sorts. Tommy, one of your best friends, had assigned you the role of "protecting" his brother while outside. Tommy trusted you with his life, the two of you rolled together before you guys found Jackson, so he knew you very well. To ask such a big thing from you, to keep his brother out of trouble, meant a lot to you.

Though, it also brought on a lot of stress. Joel had none of it at the start, he thought it was stupid to have more people around him then needed. At first, you thought it was stupid that Tommy had wanted this, Joel carried himself well and was very smart when it came to surviving outside the walls. Soon enough, you had realized why. Joel was old, as much as he may have not wanted to admit. He couldn't move as fast as he once could, his reflexes weren't instant, he ran a step slower. You, on the other hand, were young and stealthy- you were the sense of freshness in his life.

Joel didn't like you at the start, he made it crystal clear. For weeks, he would barely talk to you, only to bicker or to give you directions. It was after you helped Ellie recover from a flu that almost wiped her out that he started talking to you. It went from zero to one hundred very quick, but as mentioned earlier, you would never complain about it.

Today was the first day the two of you had gone and done your usual route outside of the walls since spring had started. The winter was long and rough, many people caught some sort of sickness and passed in the town the two of you resided in. It was sad, some people you knew, but that's what happens when you're not able to operate with proper medical care. Anyway, after it had rained for about a week straight, the sun was out today. It's warmth made you think about the nice weather to come, and not the rough time everyone had months prior.

Your hands were gripping onto your backpack straps as though your life depended on it. Your eyes were shut the opposite, gentle and carefree. Joel's presence beside you was enough to shut your eyes for just a moment, and not worry about everything around you. In this moment right now, Joel was protecting you when it should be the other way around. "Careful now, cowgirl," He said so casually, "Don't go'n trip on my watch."

You didn't want to open your eyes, you really didn't, the sun didn't want that either. Your eyes opened, though, and you were left blind for a moment due to having to adjust to the brighter area. As you did this, you could feel Joel's hand linger around the small of your back and lead you past some piece of rusted metal that was on your path. You swatted him away after he did this, shooting him a glare. "Don't baby me, Miller."

He could only laugh as his hand moved off of you. He held his hands up in defence. "Ya' better start watchin' where y'ur goin', then. Tetanus will get ya' before a runner does." You wanted to stay mad after he said that, you really did, but you couldn't help but let a small laugh or two escape from your pissed off expression. Joel would never say it out loud, but he thought it was cute when you did that. When you did anything, really, but that was a topic for another day.

You and Joel had been walking for what felt like forever now, but in reality, only about three hours. As per usual, the two of you were further than deep in conversation. "Y'ur such a country guy. I'm bettin' on Keith Urban." A smile rose to your face, trying to remember other country artists that were popular around the time before hell rose. "Listen, I won't deny it," Joel began, "Rock'n'roll is where it's at, though." You almost stopped dead in your tracks, before you burst out with laughter. Joel? A rock and roll man? There's no way.

Joel stood there, extremely unimpressed, as he waited for your laughs to die down. Once you stood back up and composed yourself, you dramatically wiped a fake tear from under your eye. "I've never laughed so hard." He shook his head, "Ya' piss me off, you know that?" You gave him a pat on the shoulder as you continued down your path, "Love you too!"

The two of you bickered for the next while as you walked down the road. It went from concrete to gravel in a short amount of time, indicating you two were in the remote part of the city. By stepping along this gravel road, it brought back so many memories that you had distanced yourself from. The first time out with him, the day both of you got caught in the rain, the day he kissed you. It was in the heat of the moment, no feelings attached. Some days you wish there were feelings attached, but you had more important things to worry about.

It was strange, the second the two of you stepped on the gravel path, three deer were seen down the street. You went to open your mouth, but you could feel a hand cover the bottom half of your face. It wasn't yours, you were sure of it, the hand felt too rough to be yours. That meant only one thing. You turned to face Joel, your eyes focusing on his. His arm was outstretched (not by much) to cover your lips and chin, his other hand reaching up and placing his pointer finger on his lips, indicating for you to be quiet. You listened.

You both turned your heads back in unity, to face the deer. They seem to have seen you, now turning and carefully running back into the woods. You shoved Joel's hand off of your face as gentle as possible, yelling a quick 'shit!'. Joel had reached back for his hunting rifle that was slung across his back, "Hungry?" Before you could even reply to him, you were taking off. You were sprinting like you were in a race to win a gold medal at the olympics.

Joel was on your tail in no time, he was taller which meant that his strides were longer. The two of you ran for fifteen minutes, following the deer as closely as you could. Though, they were still faster. As they slowly exited the picture, from where the both of you could see, Joel fired a shot. He swore he hit one, but nothing decided to wait around for when you two got closer. A sigh left his lips when he came to the realization that he didn't get one, not so much for him to enjoy, but for you to have.

You noticed this, shoving his arm with your elbow. "Cheer up," You began, "We can set up here for a little bit. If ya' need somethin' to do, I'm out of water." You passed Joel a small smile, sticking out your water bottle for him to grab. He wanted to stay upset, but he couldn't help himself. He nodded and took it, "Stay put'n call if ya' need anythin'." And he was off. Joel didn't question you, or bicker to stay. He knew better when you were looking out for him.

You did anything but stay put, actually. You decided to scavenge the area. If there was anything (or anyone, for that matter), they would've came over when they heard you and Joel. The ground was extremely unreliable, bumps and holes were scattered everywhere so you took your time. You weren't sure how long you walked for, but it was long enough to get to an open field from the secluded forest.

It was so beautiful, the long rows of nothing. The once short bushes that were probably maintained were now grown completely out of control, growing everywhere but in place. You wish you had a camera, to keep more than just a mental image of this beautiful place.

You stood in the same spot for at least ten minutes, just capturing every small detail. Sure, Jackson had a nice garden, but it came nowhere near as unique as this one. Just when your eyes finished the look-around, they laid on the deer you and Joel had tried to get earlier. Your eyes had widened, you had found them.

If they hadn't noticed you before they heard a twig crack, they sure as hell did now. They took one look at you and ran off. You hadn't moved a step, so who made that sound? Your hand fell onto your holster as you spun around faster than you had thought you did. Your eyes landed on the man you knew too well. "Didn't think ya' had it in ya' to shoot me, cowgirl."

For fuck sakes, Joel, you thought to yourself. You buttoned your holster back up and turned back to face where the deer stood just a moment ago, too angry to look at Joel right now. He must've taken the hint, since he didn't bug you anymore. Instead, he decided to walk in front of you and to where the deer were. Joel didn't crouch, but he stuck his hand into the tree's green and brown branches.

You rose your brow, how couldn't you. Joel was channeling his inner garden boy with this, but you didn't break a laugh. A quiet 'ah, there ya' are' had escaped Joel's lips, just loud enough for you to hear. Instead of remaining where you were, you followed his trail and closed up on him. Your gaze fell onto the small orange thing he had in his hand.

Without warning, he just- bit into it. You had a blank stare, your mouth slightly opened. This could've been poisonous for all you knew, for all Joel knew. He took note of your horrific look, "Eat it, it's good." He handed you the small, orange fruit and waited. You had no choice but to take it, and take it hesitantly. You rose it towards your lips, and carefully took a bite.

It was mushy and sour, definitely too ripe for your liking. You handed it back and turned your head, spitting out whatever remained of the fruit in your mouth. You had a grossed-out look to your face as Joel popped the rest of the fruit in his mouth. It was genuinely disgusting, and you didn't know how he could eat it, you thought to yourself.

"It's persimmon." He told you, wiping the juice from his hands off and on his pants. Persimmon, you've never heard of it. "Like the colour?" You had asked him, giving up on your strike from talking to him. He let out a loud laugh, definitely scaring off any animal that might've came to check the two of you out. "Like the fruit, cowgirl."

"Well," You had stood on your tip toes and picked another one of these persimmons off the tree, "you enjoy them then." Your hand moved without thinking, it reached forward and grabbed Joel's, and placed the fruit in it. The fruit was about one fourth of the size of Joel's hand, so it looked a bit silly to you.

His hand closed, almost taking yours with his. "Ya' best believe I will." A small smile rose to your lips as your eyes rolled, he was too cocky for your liking. You thought to yourself for a moment. You had remembered this one story that Maria, Tommy's wife, had told you, about an olive theory. One person absolutely hates olives and refuses to eat them, whereas the second person loves them and will eat them for the first person. This story had reminded you of this moment, reminded you of yourself and Joel with the persimmons.

You two would mingle around the tree for the next while, Joel stuffing his face while you stuffed your bag with the bright orange fruit. Even though you didn't eat them, you smiled as you watched Joel enjoy something he loves. The two of you wouldn't dare tell anyone back home about what you had discovered while out and about. For this, this was yours and Joel's persimmon tree.

—

persimmon, the army, the navy

[stellocchia]

I haven't watched Jimmy's and Joel's perspective of the new ep (will do, just got no time so far) but I did watch Grian's and just, wow. I love the Bad Boys so much.

I especially love how protective Joel is toward both of them. I guess since this is the first time he got to properly choose his own group (he was alone for the first 2 seasons and then got a universe-assigned Etho he had a messy divorce with) he's especially committed to it?

So far he was open and cooperative when it came to being a boogie. He shot down Cleo's proposal when she tried to make him choose something without consulting his group, and now he spent a whole ass episode both protecting his afk teammate and trying his best to entertain him.

And Jimmy's trying his best too! I may give him flack sometimes for his somewhat lax morals, but so far he has been pulling through for the Bad Boys all the time.

Also, I do find it interesting how much trust Grian was willing to put on them (obviously, he was sick so there wasn't much choice in the matter, but still. From an in-universe perspective it's interesting to see).

They should be a bomb ready to explode, and yet they're the most stable team in the whole game

[pedrito-friskito]

strawberry wine - joel miller x fem!reader

during - part nine

series masterlist | main masterlist | read on ao3

everything changes, and then everything changes all over again.

a/n: COME AND GET IT Y’ALL. we’re getting closer and closer…and just for the record, now is when things are more than likely going to deviate a lot harder from what’s canon. I had to revamp a lot of my plan to fall in line with ep 3 (check the main masterlist if you’re curious), but at the end of the day, this is fanfiction y’all! plus this show is still airing so not everything is gonna be spot on! ya girl is trying her best!

word count: 6.1k (longest part yet!)

warnings: MY BLOG IS 18+, MINORS DNI, angst, canon-typical violence and injuries, scars, blood, depictions of loss and grief, I’m making up a lot of shit okay

✨follow @friskito-library for updates on new works/chapters!✨

“No, no, I can’t. You do it.”

“What?”

“You do it,” you say, feeling tears spring into your eyes. “I can’t.”

Cowan peers at you. He’s pulled his helmet off, and shoves his fingers through his hair, pushing it out of his face as he bends to your level. Definitely not a regulation haircut, but does FEDRA really care about that shit anymore?

“Are you sure?”

You shake your head, holding the headset towards him. He takes it from you wordlessly, and points to a piece of paper and a pen that’s sitting on the desk beside the radio.

“Write down their names.”

You chew the inside of your lip until you taste blood, uncapping the pen and scrawling your family’s names across the paper. You almost don’t write his name down, his voice a low murmur that rings through the base of your skull. I’ll find you, baby. 

Your hand is shaking as you form the letters.

Joel Miller.

Sarah Miller.

Tommy Miller.

Once you’re done, you slide the paper towards Cowan, and he gives a curt nod. He puts the headset over his ears, reaches for the mic attached to the radio, holds down the red button like Melissa said.

“This is Corporal Nicholas Cowan, Boston QZ, over,” he says, his voice brimming with authority. “Requesting civilian information, Austin QZ, over.”

As he waits, his brow goes tight, and your stomach follows suit. You can feel your heartbeat in your throat, your breathing growing shallow. You lean forward, elbows propped on your knees, hands steepled at your mouth. The words sound muffled to your ears, the response from Austin garbled over the headphones, Cowan’s response barely audible even though you’re sitting right there.

When he says the names though, that you hear crystal clear. Your head perks up, eyes glued to Cowan’s face, his unreadable expression. His eyes dart to yours only once, and he swallows, his throat bobbling. “Confirmed transmission, Austin QZ, over. Cowan out.”

The air feels still as he sets the mic down, takes the headset off. You’re just staring, watching his movements, unable to read what’s coming. Why doesn’t he just tell—

Cowan reaches out and takes your hand between both of his. His hands are warm, his knuckles calloused, palms rough. His brow pinches hard as his thumb swipes over the back of your hand, and he won’t meet your eyes. He says your name, barely a whisper.

Oh.

You straighten, your free hand falling into your lap. You want to wrench your other hand from his grip, but you’re frozen, your limbs almost limp. He opens his mouth, shuts it, shakes his head slightly.

“You have to say it,” you whisper out, your voice cracking on every other word. “Tell me what they said.”

He blows out a breath, and you can feel the warmth of it on your skin. You feel cold, all over. “They…they had nothing on the Millers, none of them. But your family…” He trails off, closes his eyes for a long moment that makes everything in you stall. “There is no record of Anna. Your sister?” You manage to nod. “But your parents…they were in a shelter. Austin was…Austin was overrun three days ago, and FEDRA ordered it levelled. The shelter was destroyed, and everyone inside was killed.”

The rug has been pulled out from under your feet, in a sense. Your stomach is in your toes, that bottomless feeling of falling forcing bile up the back of your throat. You’re lightheaded. You can’t see straight. The edges of your vision are ringed with black, darkness webbing across your line of sight. Cowan drops your hand, slides off the desk and sinks into a crouch in front of you. You can feel his hands around your biceps, fingers digging in.

“Look at me.”

Aren’t you? You thought you were, but you slide your eyes towards the sound of his voice. His face is blurry, a smudge you can’t quite make out. He keeps talking, his voice sounding muffled again, a jumble of letters your brain can’t suss out.

All of them? Gone?

Joel…

I’ll find you, baby.

You’re really falling then, the world tilting sideways. You let the darkness take you.

+

You don’t know where you are.

You blink slow, eyes focusing on the plain ceiling above you. There’s a crack in the paint, the orange shadow of light coming in through a window. The blanket pulled to your chin is not one you recognize; you’d nicked a thick flannel one from the mall, and this one isn’t as thick, or as soft. It’s a duvet, you think, the material almost scratchy against your cheek. Where…?

Rolling over slowly, you push the blanket back. You’re still fully dressed beneath, but your boots have been removed, sitting on the floor in front of the bed you’ve been tucked into. You lean up on your elbow slowly, swinging your legs over the edge of the mattress. Your head throbs a little, but you blink past it, taking in the space around you.

It’s a goddamned bachelor pad.

You get to your feet slowly, brow furrowed as a noise reaches your ears. Running water, someone clearing their throat. The place is nice, much nicer than the apartment you’ve been staying in with Deanna and the kids, but it still shows a bit of the destruction and decay of the outside world, one of the windows cracked, the split you’d noticed in the ceiling crawling down the wall. Your face must give away your exact feelings as you walk towards the noise and come face to face with Cowan.

“I know,” he says quietly, an embarrassed look on his face. “But there’s running water. For now, anyway. You can take a shower, if you want. How are you feeling?”

He looks…different.

You’re use to the soldier, with the rifle on his back and the bulky gear. Instead, the version standing in front of you is much…friendlier? Grey sweats and a plain t-shirt, feet still stuffed into his army-issue boots, but the laces are loose. There’s a tattoo around his bicep you’ve never seen before, like barbed wire wrapped all the way around.

And the look he’s giving is the polar opposite of the Signature Stare you’ve grown so used to.

“Here,” he says, his voice dropping low, handing you a bottle of water. “How are you feeling?” he asks again, and you crack open the bottle, take a long sip. “Scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry,” you mumble, half into the bottle, sipping again. “Thank you.”

He just nods.

“How long was I out?”

“Couple hours,” he replies, running a hand through his hair. Something in the back of your mind twinges; his hair looks soft, and you wonder how it would feel if you—

Nope.

“I should go,” you say, capping the bottle again. “Deanna is probably—”

“Ready to rip you a new one,” Cowan tells you, and the corner of his mouth quirks. “I went and told her what happened, after I brought you back here. She’s less than impressed with you.”

You groan loudly, tipping your head back on your shoulders. “Fuck.”

“You can hide out here a little longer,” he offers, shrugging, arms crossed across his chest. You find your eyes lingering on the bulge of his bicep beneath the sleeve of his t-shirt and immediately rip your eyes away. He’s good-looking, there’s no getting around that, but… “Take a shower, like I said. I’ve got patrols in a few hours. I told her about your family, too, so I’m sure she’ll go easier on you than you think.”

Your family.

The realization sets in almost anew, the memory sending a shiver surging up your spine. Your hands tighten on the water bottle, and you blink hard, willing the tears away. You nod so hard your neck hurts with the movement, swallowing hard. “Shower sounds good.”

Cowan leads you across the apartment, opens the bathroom door for you. “There’s towels under the sink,” he says, pointing to the most-intact vanity. It’s clean —the cleanest bathroom you’ve seen since the the outbreak — but still has that little tinge of destruction. The mirror’s cracked, the glass shattered in its frame, spidering outward like someone tried to put their fist through it. Bad luck. “Use whatever’s in the shower, the hot water lasts thirty minutes tops but…” He trails off, rubbing his bicep. “Take as long as you need. I’ll grab you a change of clothes.”

You just nod, stepping into the bathroom. The tiles feel almost foreign under your feet, and you get undressed, your hands almost shaking as you go. You catch a glimpse of your bare form in the cracked mirror, the spidery lines shattering the reflection. You can see the scars on your shoulder, from Dean, and the spot seems to throb, a phantom reminder of what happened, what brought you here.

Meeting your own eyes in the shards of glass makes something in you ache, your mind spinning as you remember the information Cowan had relayed. It sits heavily in your chest, a dark mark across your heart that makes everything in you ache. Tearing your eyes from the mirror, you cross to the shower, crank the heat as high as you can tolerate and step under the spray, pulling the curtain into place behind you.

The hot water makes you cry, the feeling of being truly clean making every emotion you’re already feeling turn overwhelming. You plant your hands on the tiled wall, bend your head beneath the water, letting it pour down your body, washing away the dirt that you couldn’t seem to rid yourself of no matter how many wipes they gave you. It wasn’t the same. 

It’s a comfort, standing under there for as long as you do. Something you’d taken for granted, before. Your mind wanders as you wash your hair, digging your nails into your scalp and savouring in the bubbles that pour down your arms.

You think about Joel.

He swore he’d find you. His voice lingers in the back of your head almost daily, a reoccurring whisper that pushes you forward. He knows you’re in Boston, so it made sense then, that he wouldn’t be in Austin, that they wouldn’t have record of him. But that still doesn’t mean that he made it, that he’s still alive. You know he’s capable, knows how to protect himself. If he’s still with Tommy, they’ll take care of each other, and Sarah. 

You don’t know where they are. You don’t know what path will bring them to you, if any. Cowan’s voice joins the volley in your head.

You will die out there.

You know he’s right. And now…there are people here that are starting to depend on you. Deanna could handle herself, you know that, but it doesn’t mean she should have to. And the kids…

Maybe leaving Boston isn’t the right answer.

Maybe all you can do is hope and pray to whoever’s still listening that Joel makes it, that they get to Boston, that he keeps his promise. It’s a thin thread of hope, you know, and it tugs at your heart all the same, pricking tears in your eyes, and you let them fall, let them mix with the water as it swirls down the drain. 

You can keep hoping, keep praying, keep dreaming, but there are no guarantees, not anymore.

You use up all the hot water, and stay under the spray even when it goes cold. The shock wakes you up, clears your head some, hardens your decision. When you finally push back the curtain, there’s a stack of clothes sitting on the edge of the sink, an army green t-shirt and a pair of black sweatpants, thick socks. You pull it all on, towel dry your hair, steal some of the lotion on the edge of the sink, coating your hands and rubbing it into your face, your chest, your shoulders. There’s mouthwash on the counter too, and you savour the burn of the mind, the tingling behind your teeth.

The apartment is darker when you step out of the bathroom, more of the lights turned off, and the world outside the windows is a lightening shade of orange, the sun rising in the sky. Cowan stands by the window, a walkie-talkie clipped to the waist of his sweats, arms crossed over his chest. He’s just staring out, his brow hard, jaw set. Only when the floor creaks under your socked feet does he look up, and just stares at you as you cross the floor, joining him by the window.

“Feel better?”

“Best I’ve felt in weeks,” you admit, pushing your fingers through your damp hair. “Given the circumstance.” You feel heat rising in your face, the weight of his gaze almost too much. “Thank you, Cowan, for what you did.”

He reaches out, catches your free hand with his, and you freeze, watching his fingers curl around yours, his thumb rubbing across your knuckles, almost the same as he had in the radio room. “Call me Nick.”

You inhale slightly, feeling the air between you grow thick. You swallow around the lump in your throat, finding you can’t pull your hand from his. You don’t want to.

It’s a comfort.

“I’ll take you back to the fence in the morning,” he says, eyes trained on your linked hands, “if you still want to go.”

“No,” you say, and the word falls so heavily out of your mouth you think for a moment you might topple over. “I…I’m gonna stay. Here. In Boston.”

Cowan’s — Nick’s — eyes lift, and you’re surprised to see the dark shade of blue seems a bit brighter. “Really?”

“You’re right,” you continue, finally pulling your hand from his, tucking your hands against your sides and turning towards the window. “I’d die out there. Who knows if I’d even make it out of the state.”

He huffs a laugh. “I think you’d get that far, at least. But beyond that, it’s anyone’s game.”

You nod slowly. “Besides, there are people here now that…the kids, Deanna, I…I can’t leave.” Nick’s mouth quirks in a grin. “People’d miss me too much.”

The grin widens slightly. “You’re right. They would.”

You avert your eyes, staring out the window instead, at the city below. The building is in the heart of FEDRA’s set up, the ground below crawling with trucks and soldiers. The sky is slowly getting brighter, and you rub at your eyes; you’re exhausted.

“I’d miss you,” Nick says, his voice low, almost hoarse. “Just so you know.”

You turn your head slowly, arms still wrapped around your middle. “Would you?”

“Yeah,” he replies, almost sheepish, still grinning, a blush rising in his cheeks. “My patrols have gotten boring without you.”

Your brow twitches. “You kept your distance.”

“I knew you’d try to make a break for it again,” he says and you suddenly realize the space between you has gotten a little smaller. “Didn’t wanna get attached.”

He’s close. Too close. Close enough that you can feel his breath on your neck, and a shiver wracks through you when his palm lands on the small of your back, fingers tapping against your spine. You let your eyes flutter shut, breath hitching in your chest. Nick bends his neck, lowers his face closer to yours, and you inhale sharply when you feel the brush of his mouth over yours. You freeze.

“I can’t.”

He pulls away instantly, straightening, his cheeks a fiery red now, that same brightness in his eyes. “It’s okay,” he tells you, and puts more space between you again, removing his hand from your back. “Can I ask you something?”

Your curl your fingers in the fabric of the t-shirt, over your ribs. “Yeah.”

“Was it Tommy Miller,” he starts, and your chest prickles, “or Joel?”

“Joel,” you reply, almost instantly, and his name tastes almost sour on your tongue. “It was Joel.”

“You and him…?”

You nod. “Yeah. Me and him.”

“I get it,” he says, and when you finally find it in you to look at him, his face makes you freeze again. “I had someone too. Before.” He shakes his head, and you don’t mis the fact that his eyes are almost glassy. “You’re just…”

You’re not quite sure what makes you do it. Your body is not your own for a moment, thrown off-kilter by the infinite loop of thoughts running through your head. Joel. Your parents. Anna. Tommy. Sarah. Deanna. Henry. Emily. Nick. On and on it goes, making your blood thrum.

“Nick,” you say, simple, short. He lifts his head. You reach out, curl your fingers in the collar of his shirt, and haul him against you, your mouth seeking his. It’s a hot kiss, a desperate one, and when his hand fists at your hip, your blood sings louder.

It’s a comfort.

+

FIVE YEARS LATER

+

You wake up with a start. You fell asleep.

Fuck.

There’s a heavy arm around your waist, blankets tugged up to your chest. You rub the sleep from your eyes, crack your wrist, glance at your watch. Nearly half past six. Shit.

“Fuck,” you whisper out, and push at the arm around you. “Wake up.”

Nick stirs, but only barely, nosing at your shoulder, grumbling against your skin. You push harder, planting a palm against his shoulder and nearly shoving. His eyes are still shut, stupidly long lashes fanning his cheeks, and you kick off the blanket, grabbing your jeans off the floor of his bedroom, immediately standing and pulling them on.

“Get up, Nick,” you say, your voice still thick with sleep, but louder. “We’re late.”

He rolls into the space you’d been occupying, bunching your pillow under his head. “Not me. Switched shifts with McCoy.”

“Well, aren’t you lucky.”

You grab your shirt next, pulling it over your head. Jacket after that, bag looped over your head, gun tucked into the waistband of your jeans. Socks yanked on, feet shoved into boots, laces yanked tight.

“Got some coffee yesterday,” Nick mumbles, face half-buried in the pillow. “That good shit you like.”

“I don’t have time,” you say, stepping out of his reach when he lifts a hand towards you, eyes raking over you. “I wasn’t supposed to stay over. You know that.”

The corner of his mouth quirks. “Best kept secret in the QZ.”

You scoff. “Maybe not the best, but close.”

“Tell Deanna I say hello.”

“Sure.”

His eyes slip closed, and you head out of the bedroom. McCoy’s bedroom door is closed, and you go straight past it, walking towards the living room, the window beyond. You jimmy the lock, slide up the glass, and slip out onto the fire escape.

It took them almost a year to put up the wall. More Infected showed up, drawn to the lights and sounds and smells of the city. They bombed again, heavier the second time, and a few of the buildings toppled, their construction weakened to shit. You watched it from your window. 

They moved the survivors into the low-rise buildings towards the middle of the QZ. FEDRA soldiers took the apartments around the outside. Over time, more people showed up — survivors — and once FEDRA had scanners to find out if someone was infected or not, the numbers grew.

So did the bodies.

The curfew stuck, though people cut it close more often than not. It started with a little slap on the wrist, a stern warning from a soldier, but as time wore on, it got worse. Service fines, ration cuts, nights spent in FEDRA lockup. After a few years, it became public beatings, weeks in lockup instead of days.

You made it a point to learn every route in the city. The bombings from before the wall went up had still left some destruction, and you used it to your advantage. Including a route you discovered went right under the wall, popping you back up right on the other side.

You push the limits. You venture out as far as you dare — always with the bat in hand — and start to sift through the rubble. There are things to be found, stuff that hasn’t been taken yet. Stuff that could be worth something, to the right people.

Shortly after the Baltimore QZ falls, FEDRA revamps their communication. The radio room where you’d learned the fate of your family is abandoned by the soldiers, but the civilians are quick to swoop in and pick at what’s left behind. An older man named Abe, who came to Boston with his family from Rhode Island, takes over. He’s good with the connections, knows how to work the wires from his own time in the army, and starts sending messages for people, in exchange for ration tickets and other things.

Abe likes to smoke, you learn, and you stop by the radio room once a week, every Monday at noon, and in exchange for a pack of cigarettes, he sends a message to each of the remaining QZs, and asks after the Millers. You find a whole carton in an abandoned gas station outside the wall to keep the habit going. Abe also shows you how to use the radio, how to send out the transmissions, and you start finding other people beyond the wall, people that want to trade, people who are just doing the same thing you are. Surviving.

You don’t tell Nick. Not at first.

Things with Nick just…happen. He doesn’t push, neither do you. It’s a lot of sneaking around. He figures out what you’re doing, that you’re going beyond the wall, testing the limits, smuggling things in and out of the border. You know it puts a target on your back, which means Nick can’t be seen with you. If the higher ups in FEDRA knew, they’d take you both out, no questions asked. You time your moves right, using Nick’s patrols to your advantage, occasionally finding things for him to sweeten the deal. Maybe it’s an abuse of power; you know he has feelings, feelings you don’t — can’t — reciprocate, but everything else is just…

It’s a comfort. A warm body. A guilty pleasure, heavy on the guilt.

Every time someone new walks up to the wall, gets shuffled through the gates and processed by the FEDRA system, spat out the other side if they’re clean, disappeared if they’re not, you hope. Every single goddamned time, you hope it’s Joel. Or Tommy. Sarah. Your sister. Someone. It crawls up your throat unbidden; you can’t help it. You’ve stopped asking Nick on the days he works the gate; he just tells it to you straight. “Not today.”

But still, every single time, you hope. Even as months fade into years, and before you know it, half a decade have passed since the outbreak, since the start of what felt like the end. You’re still paying Abe with cigarettes to send your messages, still waiting for the day he tells you he got a response. 

You’re still here, so why can’t they be too?

The sun is just peeking over the edge of the wall as you slip down the fire escape. You really weren’t supposed to stay over with Nick. It’s a bad habit, one you know makes him happy, and part of you wants to give it to him, as some kind of repayment for your own selfishness. Doing it puts you both in harm’s way, but…guilty pleasure.

It’s spring, the snows long melted, grass sprouting between cracks in the sidewalk. You keep your head down as you drop into the alley, boots crunching on the gravel that covers the pavement. You’re forever kicking shards of glass out of the way, picking them from the soles of your shoes.

There are already soldiers out doing the rounds, some perched on street corners, guns close at hand. You pull up the hood of your coat, make sure the back is covering the waist of your jeans, the handgun sticking out. You pull your shirt down too, just to be safe.

It’s a quick trek from the soldiers barracks to the citizens housing. Especially since you have all the shortcuts memorized — FEDRA has blocked off more than a few buildings, for “safety concerns”, but that hasn’t stopped you from finding ways through.

When you moved to the new housing, they gave you your own unit. Deanna stayed with the kids, a few floors up, and you stayed over most nights. Your own place became a cache of sorts, most of the floorboards loose, all manner of goodies you’d found over the years stashed beneath the worn hardwood. The floral-patterned wallpaper was a bit of an eyesore, but you didn’t much care. It was yours.

You stop at your own place first, change your shirt, stash your gun, clean your face. You’d done a deal down in the subway tunnels the day before, and you weren’t fool enough to go unarmed. You only wasted ammo on people; you saved the bat for the Infected.

By the time you make it up to Deanna’s place, you can hear them all awake, having breakfast. Henry’s in a mood, shouting, “I just think it’s stupid!” by way of greeting. Emily jumps up from her chair the moment you’re through the door, running to you and through her arms around your leg.

“Hi, kiddo.”

She just grins in response. After the mall, she hadn’t said a word, and no matter what you or Deanna or the FEDRA doctors did, she wouldn’t. It wasn’t until Henry finally talked about it, months after you’d left the mall, that it started to make sense. She’d been sitting right there, when Tim turned. She’d watched her father kill her mother, right in front of her.

But you’ve always been able to make her smile. It’s something.

Deanna pushes a mug of coffee into your hands as you sink into the kitchen chair besides Henry. Emily takes the seat next to you, returning to her crayons and colouring but still holding your free hand. “What’s stupid?” you ask, sipping the coffee. It’s instant stuff, nasty, but you’ll take whatever caffeine you can get after the night you had.

“Math,” Henry groans, tipping his head back and glowering at you. “Did you have to learn this stuff, when you were in school?”

“I did,” you agree, nodding, reaching out and running your palm over Emily’s head as she focuses on her colouring. “I didn’t like it either.”

Deanna looks over her shoulder at you from where she’s stood at the stove. “Don’t encourage him, please.”

You wink at Henry before pulling the notebook in front of him towards you. “What are you working on? Fractions?”

He nods. “It’s stupid. The world ended, why do I have to learn math?”

You can’t stop yourself from chuckling, sipping your coffee as Deanna makes for the table, handing you a plate of eggs. “World’s not over yet, kid,” she tells Henry, reaching over and pinching his cheek. “We’re still here.”

“That still doesn’t mean I should have to learn math,” he grumbles, but returns to his breakfast, picking up his pencil again.

Emily tugs on your hand, pointing to her picture, and you lean over, grinning at the butterfly she’s drawn, the page loud with colour. “Pretty!” She slides the paper for you and you gasp. “For me?” She nods, grinning broadly, and you lean over and kiss her cheek. “Thank you, sweet pea.”

Deanna glances between the kids, waiting until they’re too engrossed in their fractions and crayons to listen to either of you. “All clear?” she asks, peering at you over the rim of her coffee cup.

“No issues,” you reply, sipping your coffee again and setting the mug in front of you. “Subway’s still empty. I gotta make a run through the museum next week; guys from Providence are bringing the good stuff.”

“Pills and bullets?”

“Bullets and pills,” you agree, pushing a hand through your hair. “Nick says hello.”

Deanna’s eyes go hard for a fraction of a second. She’s never really approved of your…situation with Nick, especially not after you started the smuggling. Yes, it benefited the civilians in the QZ, but you traded with some of the FEDRA soldiers too, in exchange for ration cards, medicine, whatever they had to offer. It made the target bigger, and she didn’t like the idea of you in the line of fire — though she knew she couldn’t stop you. Dragging Nick in with you just made it worse, in her eyes.

She ignores it, setting her mug on the table too. “You working today?”

You nod. “Food bank. Full day, pays well. I’ll bring you some cards tonight.”

“Good,” she agrees, nodding. “I need you to go by the pharmacy, if you can. Math genius over here needs a new inhaler.” She juts her chin towards Henry, and he glares at her, earning a laugh from the older woman as she pinches his cheek again.

You down the rest of the coffee, wincing when you get to the dregs and the remnants grit your teeth. “Orange or blue?”

“One of each, if they’ve got ‘em,” she answers, rubbing at her brow. “I asked when I was in the clinic the other day. They said they didn’t have any, but I call bullshit. Heard the other nurses say they got fresh shipments in earlier in the week. No way they got through it that fast.”

“Or traded it all away,” you say, getting to your feet. You cross the kitchen, put your mug in the sink. 

“Either way, you know how to work those assholes behind the counter. They see me coming and they try to charge me double.”

“I’ll get it done.”

Deanna gets out of her chair, comes and stands beside you at the sink. She puts her own mug down, flicks on the water. The pipes rattle. “I know you will, honey.” Her face pinches. “See if you can find something good, for the kids? Em’s having a rough go. That’s the first smile I’ve seen in days.”

You nod, repeating yourself with a hand on Deanna’s shoulder. “I’ll get it done.”

The day goes mostly normal.

You work the first half of your shift at the food bank before one of Abe’s sons comes looking for you. You cut your shift short, take what cards you’ve earned, and head for the radio room. Abe’s busy with someone when you walk inside, but slides a notepad towards you, words scrawled in red ink.

Providence - museum - TODAY.

“Fuckers,” you grumble, but take the note, nod in thanks to Abe and make a mental note to find a new carton of cigarettes while you’re out. You stuff the paper in your pocket, heading to the pharmacy next. You recognize the soldiers behind the counter; you’ve traded with both of them before. “I need two inhalers.”

Like Deanna said, they try to charge you double the number of cards you know to be the price, but you’re not about to let that fly.

“You kidding?”

One of them puts a hand on the pistol strapped to her thigh. “We don’t make the rules.”

You scoff. “The fuck you don’t. They’re for a ten-year-old orphan. You should be giving them to me for free.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel bad?”

“You should feel bad,” you throw back, leaning on the counter, giving her a hard stare. “You should also remember that I have dirt on you, Angie. So I’d watch your mouth before you try to screw me any harder. I’ll pay half. That’s it.”

Her throat bobs, and the other soldier stares at her expectantly. She slides the inhalers across the counter. “Half.”

You pull the cards out of your pocket, toss them towards her. “Pleasure doing business with you.”

You stash the inhalers in your bag and leave before they can give you any more shit.

The trade with the guys from Providence goes off without a hitch. Few bottles of pills, couple baggies of something…stronger, and an array of ammunition. In exchange, you give them first aid supplies, rations that’ll actually last on the road, a few books they’d requested specifically, vegetable seeds, and to sweeten the deal just a tad, a few porno mags, of…varying appetites.

You do some scavenging while you’re out, having traded your handgun for the baseball bat. The leather around the handle has frayed over the years, and you’ve wrapped it up with tape. You still wipe it down when you can, keep it by your bedside every night.

Your bag is full by the time you’re headed back for the QZ; you hit the jackpot in one of the little boutique shops near the museum. A bunch of knickknacks you’re sure someone will appreciate, yarn for Deanna, and for the kiddos: board games.

It’s cutting it close, when you make your way back. You have both McCoy and Nick’s patrol routes memorized, and as per usual, you time it right, taking a path that leads right from the top of the wall and through the top level of one of the closed-off buildings. He’s standing on the pavement when you slide down the ladder into the alleyway, boots splashing in the rainwater. He keeps his back to you, gun brandished in that casual way only FEDRA soldiers can. You pull up the hood of your jacket, wipe the rain from your cheeks as it pelts down on you.

Nick doesn’t look at you as you walk out of the alley, pausing on the sidewalk beside him. You don’t chance a glance at him, bending to retie one of your laces. “You good?” he asks under his breath.

You just nod, disguising it as a nonchalant look across the street. “Yep.”

“Deanna’s looking for you,” he says, still not glancing at you, keeping a good few feet between you two. “Sounded urgent.”

That grabs your attention, and you turn to face him. “Are the kids okay?”

“Yeah, they’re fine,” he answers, his tone going softer. “She came by about an hour ago, asked if I had seen you, said to tell you to find her once you got back. Wouldn’t tell me what it was.”

Your brow crinkles, and you nod. “Thanks.”

You feel uneasy as you turn on your heel, heading in the direction of your building. The sky is an unkind shade of grey, the rain soaking quickly through your jacket, wetting your hair beneath your hood. It’s sticking to the back of your neck by the time you get inside, and you push your hood back, wiping the droplets from your face as you head for the stairs. You head straight for Deanna’s, your bag feeling heavier on your shoulders with every step.

Your heart jumps into your throat when you approach the door, hearing voices from the other side. The doorknob feels unusually cold in your grip, and when you push it open, you nearly crumble onto Deanna’s kitchen floor.

Tommy Miller is sitting at her table, those big brown eyes instantly shiny with tears when he sees you standing in the doorway. 

He leaps out of his chair and crosses to the door, pulling you into the same kind of bear hug he’d once cornered you with in your parents’ hardware store. You can’t stop the gasp that falls out of you, followed immediately by tears, and hug him back hard, curling your fingers in his flannel shirt, holding him tightly to you. “Tommy?” you breathe out, half convinced this isn’t real, that you’re dreaming. Please don’t wake up, please don’t wake up, please don’t—

“You have no idea how good it is to see you, darlin’,” he says softly, the smile evident in his voice. You’re shaking, your eyes squeezed tight, just holding him to you. If Tommy’s here, then that could mean…

You cut the thought short, pulling back enough that you can look at him. He’s the same as you remember, if not a little worn at the edges, but you have no doubt you look the same to him. His hair’s a little longer, facial hair that suits him well long his jaw and upper lip. He looks…intact. Alive.

“What are you…?” you breathe out, almost choking on the questions. “How did you…?”

He cups your cheek his his big palm, giving you a smile that makes everything in you twist tight with happiness. “Heard a rumour Boston was letting veterans into the QZ, thought we’d take the chance.” His grin widens. “It worked out.”

Your mind snags on the we. “You…?” You nearly stumble back a step, held in place only by him. Your heart sinks into your stomach, your breath hitching. “Tommy, is he—”

“He is,” Tommy nods, the movement almost furious. “Joel’s alive.”

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[tubbytarchia]

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Watch Jimmy's guess the build ep 3!! It feels like he's getting more respect from his friends and like getting more confident and it made me think of you✨

Also grian called him his best friend (which is adorable)

Anyways thought u might appreciate the update :3

YEAHHHH I DIDDDD I've watched each of those new episodes, they're always so awesome... But yeah they've been so nice to Jimmy daww. I love how they keep building him too. He's the token blonde white guy

There's an entire line of builds in one of them that's just "Joel and Jimmy on a date" I cant make this shit up man

There's this smiley tree house Jimmy builds (that the others later praise) at which he goes "hahaha he looks fun!! I did good!! No its bad I need to stop hyping myself up" NOOO YOU DID SO GOOD JIMMY IT LOOKS SO FUN.... STOP RETRACTING YOUR SELF PRAISE...

Also I love how Skizzle always calls him his buddy. Pleading emoji

Also also I like that Grian's prompt in one of them is specifically "Jimmy's hair becomes sentient and is cooler than he is" implying that something being cooler than Jimmy is unlikely (because the overall theme was "unlikely things"). Not intended definitely but Im gonna hold onto it anyway

[wwinterwitch]

questions — joel miller x fem!reader

summary: after a night at the bar, joel walks you home and you finally confess what has been on your mind since the night everything fell apart pairing: joel miller x fem!reader word count: 3.9k warnings and tags: doesn't really follow canon but sill minor spoilers for ep. 6 i guess?, angst with a good ending, alcohol consumption, reader is drunk, joel being joel, miscommunication, sharing feelings go wrong, i'm not used to write angsty fics i'm sorry if this sucks author's note: omg omg happy finale day!! i wrote this listening to question...? by taylor swift so that's what inspired this concept, also this was supposed to be a tiny little blurb idk how we got to almost 4k words but okay i guess

a reblog and/or comment on my posts really help me out as a content creator so thank you in advance if you take the time to do either!

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Before tonight you were fine.

You barely even thought about him in that way. You barely remember the way his skin feels against yours, or the way a simple kiss from him would leave you begging for more. It was like all those nights you two would stay up talking about whatever, his arms around you and your back pressed against his chest, never existed.

Training your heart not to long for him and your brain to keep him out of your thoughts was no easy job at first. It was almost impossible for your body not to want him close. Not being able to talk to him about whatever was on your mind and knowing he no longer will reach out to share even his most profound secrets was absolute torture. Walking next to him all day without being able to reach out for his hand or stop for a quick second just to hold him close to you was a living nightmare that you couldn't wake up from.

Because how could he be so easy to forget? Joel Miller. The first and only person you've fallen in love with. That special someone that opened up a door to a whole new world that you never realized you were dying to discover until he was standing in front of you, his extended hand being an open invitation to walk all these unfamiliar roads and witness the beauty of it all together.

It was new and scary and beautiful. You were addicted to loving him before you even realized exactly what it was. From the moment you were able to put a name to this new feeling he taught you, you vowed to be his for as long as he'll have you- but what a shame it was to realize that the ending to a seemingly long story was already written at the very back of the page.

Perhaps your love blinded you enough to believe he had fallen just as hard, only to realize he was still standing at the edge of the precipice, staring down as you fell into the darkness of the abyss. Perhaps it's the fact that death is all around that makes it impossible for anything to be born. Why would you be able to live a fairytale in the middle of a horror show? What could possibly make you so special?

At least he doesn't seem to be affected by the fact that you two drifted apart. It's not like he's the best at sharing his feelings to other people, his ever-frowning gaze always present in his face no matter the circumstance, but you were still hoping that maybe he cared enough to show you he's hurting even just a little bit.

That should be comforting, right? To know he's perfectly fine and that you never cross his mind in that way. He doesn't have the need to apologize or make it right. He doesn't regret what happened and it never plays back in his head as he curses at himself for not doing things differently. You and your...relationship? are that easy to forget.

No. It's not comforting at all. If anything, it makes everything worse.

You can still remember the night you told him you loved him. A moment in your painfully short history together that you wish you could erase. A disappointing ending to what could've been an absolute masterpiece.

Ellie was already asleep and the two of you were keeping watch. He insisted you should get some sleep but you wanted to stay with him. He wasn't a fan of showing you any type of affection since Ellie joined the two of you, so the nights are the only chance you have to be closer. It was like the moon and stars were your best of friends at that point, because they meant he could finally be yours.

The confession slipped from your lips in a quiet whisper. A simple and timid "I think I'm falling in love with you" was all you offered. It's not hard to remember the way your hands would slightly tremble, or the rapid beating of your heart. It's as unforgettable as the confidence you were feeling because despite being so nervous, you were certain that he'll say it back.

He never did. He didn't say it back that night, or the morning after, or any other morning that followed.

It was embarrassing to look back on it now that you know what happened next. You were snuggled up next to him, one of his arms wrapped around your shoulders. His eyes were fixated on the fireplace that helped to make the chilling air of the night a little more tolerable.

Staring at his handsome complexion without his permission was probably one of your favorite things to do. He had confided in you a couple of times that he couldn't understand why you enjoy it so much. That he's not this breathtaking sight that deserves to be contemplated in the way you do.

Truth is, he's the most hypnotizing sight of all. You didn't care about the roughness of his features or the years visible in the corner of his eyes, hair and beard. He's gorgeous and unique and yours. You could stare at him for hours and never get tired of it.

Like many times before, he caught you staring at him. And just like those times before, he made a gesture that should tell you he disliked that habit of yours, only to be betrayed by the smirk timidly forming on his lips not so long after.

It was then, with his eyes staring back at yours, that the verbal proclamation of your love for him invaded the quietness of the night.

And that's when his smirk magically disappeared. His eyes became dark with something you couldn't quite decipher at the time, still staring back at you but not really. It was clear he wasn't there with you anymore, too lost in his own thoughts to truly acknowledge your presence anymore.

Before you could even think of saying something else, he surprised you with an almost robotic "I think you should get some sleep".

Feeling more heartbroken and confused than ever, you did exactly that. You got up and joined Ellie, cuddling up in your sleeping bag with your back facing him. It's still a mystery to you how you were able to cry yourself to sleep that night without making a sound. How you were able to control the hurricane of emotions after telling the love of your life how you feel and him not caring about it in the slightest.

And suddenly, being in love was still new and scary but it had turned into something horrible.

You had to spend every second of every day with him after that, pretending nothing ever happened. He never brought it up either, so you decided to ignore it to avoid making a fool of yourself again. His reaction was enough to let you know he never really loved you, so you ran with it and tried to continue knowing whatever you two had or could have was no more.

But it was still difficult at times. Ellie kept asking you questions regarding you and Joel even weeks after the incident. She's not stupid. She could see you two weren't exactly friends, no matter how hard Joel tried to convince her otherwise. She's also not someone who settles for made up excuses or half truths, which made her push the subject until she got a good enough answer. That's why she continued coming to you for answers, because she knew he'll never talk about it.

It was only when you explicitly confirmed you two weren't just friends before quickly telling her it was completely over that she eventually let it be. After that, she also started to pretend nothing happened.

Jackson became pretty much the light at the end of a pitch back tunnel you thought was never-ending. You were excited to meet new people and have new things to do during the day, knowing it'll help to keep you busy, forcing Joel out of your head.

It was so exciting in fact, that it helped to make it seem as if the quick "she's the one I've been traveling with" that Joel used to introduce you to his brother wasn't that terrible.

Tommy, who much to your luck was nothing like his big brother, made sure to show you around and introduce you to a few people. He got you a house so you and Ellie could settle in and helped you find a job at the local library, officially starting your new life that didn't revolve around Joel.

In time, you found your place in the commune (as you and Ellie love to call it to tease Tommy). Joel was slowly becoming just a bad chapter in a much bigger story that you started to write for yourself, and you're loving the new plot that's unfolding across the blank pages.

However, all of that progress came crashing down tonight. Tommy's birthday was being celebrated at the local bar and there was no way you would ever miss it. Not only has he become a very good friend, but you also needed the distraction.

The familiar faces, the food and drinks made you forget about Joel's presence for most of the night and you barely made the effort to acknowledge his presence. Without being able to prevent it, your eyes accidentally met for a few seconds. It was almost sickening that everything about that half-a-second-look was so much like a movie. You were laughing at something a friend had said before you finished your third drink of the night, casually scanning the room to catch Joel already looking your way.

He smiled and you barely smiled back before focusing on the conversation with your friends again as if nothing happened. The alcohol might have motivated you enough to just not care anymore. To show him you really couldn't care any less to try to be nice after he was such an asshole when you were completely vulnerable before him.

The idea of not caring seemed tempting. Thinking the alcohol was helping, you continued drinking until you forgot about pretty much everything- which didn't take that long considering your alcohol resistance wasn't that good after a long time without drinking. You don't care about Joel, or the hours passing by, or the fact that you're probably making a complete fool of yourself giggling and dancing with a few friends that are probably as drunk as you are, if not more.

All the hype from being intoxicated started to wear off after a while, becoming more and more sleepy until you were practically dragging your feet towards the exit, putting on your coat and hat to prepare for the cold night outside.

"Looks like you had a good time," you hear Tommy comment in a mocking tone, sending a sympathetic smile your way.

"I did! Thanks for inviting me. And happy birthday to you again!" you exclaim cheerfully. "I hope I didn't make a fool of myself tonight."

"Oh, you definitely did," he mocked, chuckling lightly. "But hey, those dance moves you were pulling off back there? Best birthday gift I'll ever receive."

You looked positively embarrassed after his comment, but managed to laugh it off. "I guess that's good."

"It is," he immediately reassures you. "Let's get you home now, okay?"

"Oh, you don't have to go with me. You can't leave your own birthday party. It's okay, I got it."

"I want to make sure you get home safe. It's fine."

"Tommy, please. You should stay and have fun."

"I won't have fun if I'm worrying about you all night."

"I can take her," you suddenly hear Joel's voice behind you, which immediately made you roll your eyes because you really didn't want him around. He noticed the gesture but didn't seem to care about it in the slightest, putting on his jacket. "I was heading out anyway."

Tommy couldn't have known you really didn't want to be around his older brother, completely unaware of your history with him. Perhaps if you told him, he'll insist on going with you or find someone else that could walk you home. But you never told him what happened, so you're stuck with Joel. "Okay, great. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Thank you for coming," he says, allowing the two of you to leave.

The first few minutes outside in the snow have got to be the most awkward minutes of your entire life.

You tried not to stumble despite still being a bit drunk, not wanting to embarrass yourself in front of him. You're mad that he's here with you and you can't stand being alone with him.

"Did you have fun tonight?"

Oh, and of course he had to open his mouth. Because when has Joel ever done what you want him to do? It seems like he'll always do exactly the opposite of what you expect from him.

"Yes," was all you said.

"Just yes?" he tried again.

"Yes."

You heard him sigh. "So, no talking?"

"I'd really like that, actually."

The tone of your voice would've been enough to make him shut up for the entire walk. Even he seemed to be a little taken aback by the honesty of your answer because you could feel him staring at you for longer than usual before he focused on his boots as they left marks on the snow.

He didn't ask what was wrong because deep down he must've known. He can't not know. And in that drunken state you allowed yourself to be pity as you wished that he thinks about it every single day. That it tortures him. That he despises himself for breaking your heart and not doing something to make it right. That he looks back on it and hopes that he could go back.

But does he? Does he actually think about it every single day? Does he regret what happened? And if he does, why is he not trying to say he's sorry? Does he even want to say something at all?

It was almost as if the alcohol betrayed you. Or maybe it was your head that just allowed every barrier you have built these past few weeks to crumble down. Not caring turned into caring way too much and it was like you couldn't stop thinking about a hundred questions without being able to find a single answer to any of them.

Joel turns to look at you once again when he notices you stopped walking. Your head is spinning as more and more questions fill up your mind and you get frustrated because you know there's only one person who has all the answers.

Should you say something? Should you make a fool of yourself once again? It shouldn't be you. Why is he not doing something? How come you're the one who has to speak up about this? It's not fair.

But it was late, cold and you were just so drunk. And you know that no matter how much you try to move on, you'll never be truly okay until you hear an explanation as to why he broke your heart in such a vicious way. Even if he lies or tries to sugarcoat it, you deserve even the tiniest of explanations.

"Is everything okay?" he eventually asks, which only frustrates you more.

"Do you ever think about that night?" you let out almost immediately after, feeling the way your heart was beating faster than ever. As fast as the time you confessed your love for him.

He was quiet, so you decided to continue. "Do you ever wish you could go back and change the way it ended? Does...does it ever cross your mind or you seriously don't care?"

After those questions, Joel seemed to finally react. "Are we seriously doing this now?"

"If not now, when? You were clearly not going to say anything," you accused him, leaving him completely defenseless because he was very much avoiding ever bringing this up and you just called him out on it. "I just need to know why, Joel."

"I don't- let's get you home, okay?"

"Stop doing that! Stop trying to avoid this!" you exclaimed with obvious exasperation, feeling the corner of your eyes burning due to the tears that would surely roll down your cheeks at any point. "I was in love with you and you weren't decent enough to at least tell me you didn't feel the same way! Don't you think I deserved at least that?"

"We can talk about this tomorrow..."

"No, fuck that. I waited long enough," you quickly interrupted. "I was so patient with you. I gave you your space when you said you weren't sure about us, I respected your decision of being discreet in front of Ellie, I stood up for you countless of times when I shouldn't have. I did so much for you and you can't even look me in the eye and give me an explanation!"

"It's not-"

"You've got to be the biggest asshole I've ever met. And you know what's the worst part of this? That I'm still expecting shit from you. I still hope that you'll say you're sorry for breaking my heart and acting like you never did something wrong. I'm so fucking stupid to believe that you actually-"

"I was afraid!" he practically shouted, hoping that would stop your rambling. It seemed to work, because you were silent as soon as he said that. "There. Are you happy?"

"Don't put this on me," you immediately snap back.

Joel sighs yet again and takes a second to calm down, knowing that if he gets defensive this will end much worse. It's time to accept he fucked up and stop trying to act like he didn't.

"I'm sorry," he finally said. "For this and for what I said that night. I should've been honest with you."

Now it was you the one who was silent, taken aback by his reaction. Usually, he'll try to come on top by creating any type of argument until he's able to get the last word. An actual apology was definitely not something you were expecting.

"I don't like people. I keep my distance and everyone else stay away from me in return. I like distance," he explains. "But then you came along and it was impossible to stay away. No matter how hard I tried, I'd always come back to you. I started to need you and it was scary because I should be keeping my distance."

Silence. Absolute silence. You were surprised to hear him being so honest with you, but you were also feeling a bit nostalgic because deep down you missed being the person Joel would go to when he needed someone to talk to. Even when it was difficult for him to open up, he always tried his best to rely on you whenever he needed it. Needless to say, it made you feel very special.

"When you said you loved me I didn't know what to do. It felt so...definitive. Because I knew that deep down I was falling for you too and if I said something that'd mean I'd never be able to let you go. And it was so scary to think of giving in to that feeling because...because I couldn't allow myself to care again."

You knew exactly what he meant by that. His daughter is not a topic he particularly enjoys bringing up, but you've heard a few things about her. And honestly, you couldn't really blame him for being scared. Despite all these years, losing his kid in the way he did has got to be the worst pain he'll ever experience. Of course he'll want to run away in the opposite direction when he starts seeing the similarities.

It doesn't excuse the fact that he avoided you, but you would never pretend like his feelings weren't valid.

He was scared of loving you because with love comes the inevitable attachment to that person forever. You care so deeply, the mere idea of ever losing that person shatters your world completely. And he knows what that loss feels like. He couldn't experience that again.

"Besides, you know me. You know I'm a mess. I couldn't let you ruin your life by loving me, because I'd just let you down- which I did, so I was right. So instead of saying something, I just said what I thought would help to make you not love me anymore. If I couldn't keep my distance, I had to do something so you'll want to stay away from me."

Once again, Joel was doing exactly the opposite of what you expected. He poured his heart out to you, sounding so honest and vulnerable. You've only heard him being this sincere whenever he would mention Sarah or that one time when you both stayed up talking in depth about your relationship with Ellie.

Tears started to roll down your cheeks as predicted as you stared at him. You don't know whether to hug him or punch him at this point.

"You're such an asshole," was all you could say.

The comment made him chuckle, but it was evident he was holding back his own tears. "I know."

"But that's exactly why I loved you. I know what you've been through, I knew you were a challenge and I was willing to work on it for as long as it would take us. The decision of whether I wanted to love you or not was never yours to make."

"I was trying to save you from having to deal with me."

"What if I didn't want to be saved?"

"Well, I think it's already too late for that," he replied. There was another pause that encouraged him to ask, "Is it? Too late?"

"I don't know," you replied. It was the truth.

"I can work with I don't know."

"What does that mean?" you asked curiously, wiping your tears away.

"It means I'm willing to make it right this time," he replied. "If you let me."

You frowned just a little, failing to hold back the smile that appeared on your face just seconds later. "You know you'll have to really try if you want to fix this, right?"

"I know. It's okay. You're worth it."

So far, so good, you thought.

"This means no more hiding, no more trying to push me away, talking about your feelings..."

"I can handle it."

"Can you?" you asked in a much more serious tone. It sucked not being able to fully trust his word, but you both know you had your reasons not to. "I just don't want to get my hopes up again over nothing."

You watched as Joel took a step closer to you, reaching out to grab one of your hands. He examines your face, making sure you're okay with him touching you before he brings it up to his lips, gently kissing your knuckles. "I promise you this time will be different," he says, and he's looking at you with so much affection, it's impossible not to trust him.

[orangevtae]

Like Lilies [J.Miller x reader]

Masterlist

Summary: It's already painful enough to lose a friend, imagine that being ten times more painful in an apocaliptical scenary. Lucky for you, you have Joel by your side

Warnings: Ep.3 of The Last of Us tv show spoilers! So you have been warned. GenderNeutral!Reader. Major character death. hurt/comfort. Reader and Joel doesn't have anything romantic but theres is something.

Pairings: Joel Miller x GenderNeutral!Reader

A/N: This is just a little one-shot, it's not even long, i'm trying to get back at writing and surprise! another Pedro Pascal character hehe. English's not my first language and even if i read and re-read, sometimes there's mispelling, enjoy!

Bill's & Frankie's house had a bit of dust everywhere, you let out a little sneeze here and there because of it.

You still were a little shaken up after Ellie finished reading the letter that Bill left to Joel. It's not like they were friends, they had mutual respect to one another but for Bill to consider anyone friend, that never happened in the years you had met him and Frankie.

Frankie was more outgoing, always loved to make friends and get to know people, he was someone that was easy to talk to, that's why you, him and Tess got so along.

You had lose three friends in a row already, first Tess, now Bill and Frank. That was the shit of living in that kinda of world, you had a little bit of what life used to be and it's sudenly took from you, attachaments weren't good but you were always the kind of person to believe in the remanescent of good in people, only those you really trusted of course which didn't had much of those around anymore.

There was a slight breeze coming from the open door at your right as you grazed your fingers trough Bill's mother old piano, you always thought that it was a beautiful instrument and sometimes when you came to visit them with Tess and Joel, you wished you knew how to play.

Joel observed you as you sat by the piano, fingers on top of the tiles, good as new. He knew how much you always wanted to play piano but never mustered enough courage to ask Bill at least the basics, so he only admired you admiring it from afar. As he got closer to you, he could see you fastly cleaning your face, probably cleaning some remanants of tears that you refused to shed to either him or Ellie. He cleared his troath behind you as he got closer enough to you.

"You alright?" he asked, a little creasing between his brows showing his worries

"Gonna be" you whispered back as you look up and outside the window "You scared me, didn't heard you coming"

"That's not good, you always keep an watchful eye on your surroundings" he said lowly, trying to make a joke, but you only shrugged

"I don't have a reason to worry in here" was what you said to him

Joel was having an intern struggle. Bill said in the letter with all lines "That's how people like us are, use everything on you to protect (Y/N/N)" .

He never expected to Bill to caught what always been there between you both, not like you had anything, not like that, he never voiced the feelings he had for you and you neither. But there was something in there, he couldn't keep on pretending, there was a big amount of times that he had cuddled up to you uncounciously to pretend that it was nothing.

And Joel was worried with you, you both had lost your friends, maybe the only ones you've ever made, and all in a roll. He was a though guy, already crumpled from too much PTSD, nightmares and losing his daughter on the early days of the pandemic, but you? You still had a little hope in line, even after losing all your family, you still had a little bit of hope.

"I actually wished that i could have had the guts to actually ask Bill to teach me the basics of piano" you started softly "but i always thought that he was uncomfortable whenever we came around, so i never wanted to disturb him more than he already was" you paused a little and let out a chuckle "plus the fact that i was terrified by him sometimes" Joel sat down by your side, his back to the piano and his attention full on you "Stupid right? I can kill infecteds and take down mugglers, but Bill? I was afraid to say something wrong, and even with that, he was a good guy."

"No" Joel said "No, i don't think it's stupid, i think that, in fact, it's more harder to deal with people than with infecteds, it has always been like that" he nodded slowly

"I never thought it was hard to deal with you, you know?" you turned to him, eyes locking on his "It was easy to trust you, more after we got closer. Sure, there's things about you that i don't know about but i...i always felt safe around you" you smiled at him.

Sometimes when Joel thought that it was better for the both of you that he kept a safe distance, he always remembered of why he liked and cherished you so much.

You would always double over to get to him anything that he liked on your runs outside the walls of QZ, he remembers the time you found him a good brand of coffee and he almost cried at the spot when you showed him, he only said once that the thing he missed from the normal days was a good and fresh coffee. You always brought something to euther him or Tess that made you remember of them, he had a plenty of little gifts in his crumbled apartment, he liked to look at them, it made him remind of you.

He often related you to Lilies, he read once that they meant romantism, purity, inocence and pure love. Not that he cared too much about plants and flowers and what was their meaning, but he found a book with all of those kind of stuff one day and took it as gift for you and as he was looking trough the pages, he read about the lilies. So your face kinda of just clicked on his mind as he read it.

In his eyes, you had so much in common with the description the books gave the flower, you weren't naive, far from that, you knew how to handle things well and how to take care of yourself while living in this world, but you a had a sheer inocence and purity towards the human kind that sometimes it shocked him. He remembered how happy you were when he gave you the book, he thought that if he could have a last fond memorie before he died someday, he was gonna think back about that moment, the brilliant smile on your face was what hr wanted to think about.

"You can always count on me, sweet girl, i'll be there for you" he answered after a long while, a ghost of a smile on his lips. He got closer to you, no space between your bodies as one of his hands went at the back of your head, one of yours on his waist "For whatever time you want me to be" he said as he closed his eyes and his lips touched softly your forehead.

You sighed happily, there wasn't a place safer than within the arms that were holding you right now, you wish you could live in that moment forever but you heard someone clear their troath and as you separated from him, you saw Ellie a few feet far from you both, a hint of a teasing smile on her face "The bathroom's clear, so if either of you wanna go..." she trailed off

"I'll go" Joel said, standing up, taking a last look at you and heading to the bathroom

"You better use the soap well Miller, you're stinking!" you shouted before he closed the door behind him as you and Ellie chuckled together.

"So..." Ellie started again "What was that?"

"What was what?" you played

"C'mon, you know what!"

"I really don't know what you talking about" you smirked at her

"Oh fuck off" she said walking out to drop the towel somewhere and get some clothes

You only laughed, still feeling Joel's lips touch your forehead, a soft smile on your lips.

[mcytblr-confessions]

Oh god I didn’t realise I hit a few nerves with not liking Gem in the life series… well someone asked why and I will say why:

Gem was a hermit I never got into. I did watch her first hermitcraft ep, it was fine, I watched her in mcc and it was fine, it just had a bit more spark in it as I watched her for twitch rival. Live on stage man! Ignore that her stream style isn’t for me she’s on a stage!

For the life series I did like her guest appearance in limited life and when she came back to secret life I thought I would watch Gem to support her! New guy and all!

I couldn’t… I just couldn’t… Gem in secret life wasn’t for me, I got through half way in ep 5 when I realised that I wasn’t having fun. I was only watching Gem because she was new, not because she was Geminitay. Her style of video and banter didn’t click for me and forcing myself to watch didn’t make me feel good. Then the zombie ep happened and I didn’t find it enjoyable, then when she came 3rd I found fans of her and Scott and Pearl being rude to Scar in multiple YouTube comment sections that he shouldn’t have won and that Pearl was also bad for not teaming with Gem. That’s my problem for looking at YouTube comments I’ll admit my fault there. My opinion on her soured due to her fans and me forcing myself to watch a YouTube style and personality that I didn’t enjoyed because I wanted to let the new guy get views.

Come along a new season of hermitcraft and my opinion continued over and then whenever this community says on who should win it’s Gem Gem Gem Gem and maybe a Joel or Jimmy in there. There shouldn’t be a discussion on who should be the winner and if I have to go through another season and all I see I Gem Gem Gem I’m gonna feel like dirt. I can block people yes but it’s not fun not being able to check out the life series tag because that’s how many people I’ve blocked, tumblr thought I should check out other tags because of that.

I would like to say that this is my opinion and my own feelings, if you don’t feel the same then that’s okay, just don’t go telling me I’m wrong for my own opinions. Geminitay isn’t a bad person but due to unfortunate consequences my opinion on her isn’t very positive. If you like Gem that’s fine you’re not a bad person. Unfortunately I don’t vibe with her videos and some loud fans.

.

[sageispunk]

main masterlist

updated: 1/20/24 | ⭐️ smut | 🐚 fluff | 🥀 angst | 🖤 dark |

✦ the bear (hulu)

'might be' - Richie Jerimovich x f!reader ⭐️

The first time you meet 🍃 dealer Richie.

'he finds out ur a squirter' - Richie Jerimovich x reader ⭐️

Passionate missionary with bf Richie talking you through it.

'looking ahead' - Richie Jerimovich x reader ⭐️

Richie can't help but to watch. Even if you didn't mean to leave your door open. (dubcon)

breeding kink drabble - Richie Jerimovich x reader ⭐️

Richie can't wait until you're finally knocked up with his baby.

✦ they cloned tyrone

'drown in it' - Fontaine x black!reader ⭐️

He makes you squirt on his face. Happily.

NSFW alphabet - Fontaine x black! reader ⭐️

The ABCs of Fontaine's love.

'eyes on me' - Fontaine x black! reader ⭐️ (Ao3)

You're a little too interested in Fontaine's weapons.

✦ rebel ridge (2024)

'anointed' - Terry Richmond x black!reader ⭐️

When he eats you through the panties.

'red lipstick' - maintenance man!Terry Richmond x black!OC ⭐️

Don't let your husband stop you from finding the love of your life...

'wetter' - Terry Richmond x black!reader⭐️🐚

[shower sex, sub!Terry]

✦ the usos

'told you so' - Jey Uso x black!OC Ravyn ⭐️

[infidelity, teasing, crazy dirty talk, rough sex]

'belongs to another' - Jimmy Uso x black!reader ⭐️🐚🥀

[friends with benefits, infidelity, weed use]

untitled - Jey Uso x black!reader ⭐️

[alcohol use, groping, teasing]

✦ triple frontier

‘too divine’ - Frankie Morales x f!reader ⭐️

Riding Frankie after a long night out.

✦ marvel

'just one more' - Matt Murdock x f!reader ⭐️

Matthew is out of town but you still need him. (Ktober prompt: phone sex)

'wriggle' - Erik Stevens x black!reader ⭐️🐚

[roommates, teasing, tickling kink]

✦ the last of us (hbo)

'what u need' - Joel Miller x f!reader ⭐️

Teasing Joel underneath a table in a bar sometimes leads to getting ruined on the side of the road.

'melting' - Joel Miller x f!reader ⭐️

Joel wants to try something new. (Ktober prompt: temperature play)

'sticky' - Joel Miller x f!reader ⭐️

Joel wants to learn. So you let him. (Ktober prompt: squirting + masturbation)

'inside'- Joel Miller x mistress ⭐️🥀 (Ao3)

When the cat's away, the mice will play.

✦ how high (2001)

'what's it gonna be?' - Silas x black!reader ⭐️🐚

When two friends finally get a night alone...

'as nature intended' - Silas x black!reader ⭐️🐚

[weed use, hairy coochie praise, breeding kink mention]

✦ formula 1

'foolish' - Lewis Hamilton x black!reader ⭐️🥀

Cause I can't seem to break away from your foolish love...

✦ misc.

'control' - Max Phillips x f!reader ⭐️

Drinking with your boss goes differently than you'd planned. (Ktober prompt: sex pollen, thigh-riding, forced orgasm)

'4/20' - Terrance Coin x black!reader ⭐️🐚

[weed use, neighbors to lovers, age gap]

'sweet dreams' - Gustavo Fring x reader ⭐️🖤 (Ao3)

When Mr. Fring finally gets his hands on you...

✦ series & AUs

'the first taste' - vamp!Lewis Hamilton x black!reader ⭐️🐚🥀🖤

What do you do when one night just isn't enough?

'all the way down' - Clifford Smith x black!reader ⭐️🐚🥀

When a night of spontaneity spirals into a full-blown affair out of your control.

'crush' - blackfem!OCs x black!OCs⭐️🐚🥀

Oneshot series based on each song of Ravyn Lenae's Crush EP.

[sunshineshobi18]

You Don't Look At Me (prologue)

words: 3.9k pairing: Joel x female!OC, Tess x female!OC, Tess x Joel cw: weapons, mention of death, strong language, injury, honestly it's all pretty mild, spoilers for ep 2? summary: During one of their runs Joel and Tess find a little thief snooping around their stuff, they didn't realise how completely their lives would change with the new addition to their "family"

note: I got some requests to do a part 2 to the other fic, but before I do that (which I am planning to do, but I'm not promising anything) I just wanted to write about how Lori met Joel and Tess and why Joel acts the way he does around her.

---

“Goddamnit, Tess.”

Tess turned around and chuckled, watching Joel crouched over with sweat beating down his face. His chest rose and fell rather rapidly as he tried to catch his breath. “As long as you don’t get bit, old man.”

“You’re proud of that one, huh?” Joel asked straightening back up. He couldn’t help but smile a little as he watched Tess turn away from him with a smile of her own on her face. She went back to scanning their surroundings, making sure they had gotten rid of all the infected that had spotted them. “I think we’re in the clear,” he added after a quick scan of his own—making sure he looked over all the places Tess wasn’t watching.

“Seems like it—”

“Hey!” Joel yelled, causing Tess to be alert. Just over Tess’ shoulder, Joel watched as someone was rummaging through their backpacks that were abandoned on the ground for a while as they fought the infected.  “Get away from our stuff!” he demanded before watching the small figure run into the building near them.

With just a shared look, Tess and Joel grabbed their stuff and ran into the house—no words exchanged. They both had their guns at the ready in case someone or something wanted to come for them.

The lingering sound of a door being closed echoed from the top floor down to the entrance Joel and Tess found themselves. Joel had just caught a glimpse of the thief’s shadow on the wall, directing him where to go. Slowly making his way up the stairs, he glanced over his shoulder telling Tess to stay as quiet as possible. With a nod from the woman, they continued towards the door that Joel thought the person entered. “I’ll go in first,” he mouthed. “Cover me.” Tess nodded, pointing her gun down the hallway to make sure no one was going to sneak up on them.

Joel tried to open the door softly, but with even the softest push, the door swung open. He held his gun up, barely scanning the room when he found his thief in the corner of the room.

She was just a little girl, eyes wide and fixated on his every move, yet her small hands still moved the food she had stolen from the duo towards her mouth. She quickly took a bite, not breaking eye contact with the tall man in front of her. She must be scared Joel thought, but he couldn’t help but realise she did a good job at hiding it.

“Hey,” Joel spoke in an exhale and steadily lowered his gun. “You hungry?” The girl only nodded with rigid motions and watched as Joel started moving towards her.

“Don’t!” His voice jumped in volume as he watched the girl reach out for a gun that laid on the floor just out of arm reach. With swift movements, Joel placed his foot on the weapon and kicked it back, behind him. The little girl cowered further into the corner of the room, making Joel sigh. “If you need food, I can give you some. There’s more where that came from.”

Before the girl could even react, Tess walked into the room. “There’s no one in the build— Who’s this?” Once Tess spotted the girl, her voice softened from confusion. She hadn’t expected a little girl all on her own.

“Our thief,” Joel chuckled, but quickly straightened his face when Tess inspected the girl with serious eyes. “She seemed to be hungry—”

“Where are your parents?” Tess asked, interrupting Joel. Tess’ voice wasn’t per se kind, but it was less rough then when she spoke to other adults. That much Joel could notice.

The girl didn’t answer, but her eyes moved to the other corner of the room. Joel and Tess followed the girl’s gaze until they noticed a built in closet. One of the doors was partly open and both of them could see the grimey, greyed flesh of two left arms hanging out the closet. A collective gasp left the two adults as their eyes turned to the little girl.

“What’s your name?” Joel asked, trying to ignore the presence of two dead bodies in the same room as him. He had seen and experienced worse, but imagining what the whole story must’ve been was something he didn’t want to think about.

“Mommy told me never to tell my name to strangers.” It was the first time the girl spoke and probably had spoken in a while. Her voice was hoarse to the point it sounded painful.

“Your mom is a very smart woman,” Tess said with a soft voice, trying not to scare the girl.

Joel crouched down to eye level with the girl and nodded to her as if coaxing her to look at him. “We can take you with us—”

“Joel,” Tess called in a scolding manner. He looked up to her to find her motioning him to follow her with her head. Joel smiled stiffly at the girl, before following Tess outside the room. “Are you insane, Joel? We can’t fucking take her! She’ll die out there.”

“She’ll die in here, Tess,” Joel retaliated firmly. His voice was unwavering just as were his eyes. “Look,” he began, letting her know he was about to reason with her. “We’ll take her back to the QZ. We find her a place she can stay—”

“We can’t just prance through the front gate of the QZ with a little girl. They’ll kill her on sight and us, because we shouldn’t be out here in the first place! I would rather have her die here with her family than have her killed under our responsibility.”

“I think it’s too late for that already. She’s been here for a while.” Joel raised his brows as if telling her “you know this too”, making Tess sigh in response and throw her head back. “Those bodies aren’t just a day old and I don’t want to open that closet, but I know that those people turned before she had to kill them.”

Tess looked back at Joel, her brows turned into a frown. “Since when did you start being a father again?”

“That is not what this is,” Joel clarified. Something in his tone telling Tess to bring up such things again. “I know you don’t want to leave this girl here alone either.”

“What if she’s infected?”

“You’ll check her over and if she’s okay we’ll take her to the QZ.”

“Okay and what after we get back in? She won’t be there officially. Legally. If they find her, she’ll be dead.”

“You know people. With your connections—”

“Joel.” Once again, Tess spoke with a tone to warn him about continuing to talk.

“Tess,” Joel called her, mimicking her tone. He moved closer ever so slightly and placed his hand on her forearm. His grip was soft, barely there and he looked at her with soft eyes. “I know you can do this. We can’t leave her here.”

Tess pressed her eyes closed as if she needed a second to wrap her mind around what had just happened and how this would affect them. Joel removed his arm from hers and took a step back, watching her contemplate everything they had done up until now. Joel knew what they were about to do wasn’t ideal, but he couldn’t leave the girl on her own after knowing she was starving and had spent several days locked up in a room with her dead parents.

By the time Joel had come to terms with the situation himself, he found that Tess had already joined the little girl back in the room.

“Lori.” Joel had missed the conversation that happened before this, but realised that they had just learned the name of the small girl.

“Do you know how old you are?”

“Seven.” Tess smiled and nodded at the girl, but Joel could easily tell she was trying to hide her surprise and frankly horror at finding out the girl’s age.

Seven and already had to kill her family. Joel wished Lori’s parents were horrible people. That forcing a child to kill her parents wasn’t for nothing—beside the obvious reason for them being infected.

“And you’re sure you don’t have any bites on you?” Tess asked whilst double checking the girl’s limbs. Lori nodded with wide eyes as she watched the tall woman. There was something akin to wonder in her eyes. She didn’t seem scared at all. “Do you want to come with me and Joel? I promise you, where we’re going, there is more food.” Tess smiled sadly as her words seemed to peak Lori’s interest. “It’s not much, but it’s more than you can find here.”

Lori stood up with the help of Tess, holding the tiny bit of beef jerky she had stolen tightly in her fist. They started moving towards the door where Joel stood waiting on them, when Lori stopped and stared at the closet. “What about my mommy and daddy?”

Joel and Tess had never found each other's gazes so quickly then when Lori uttered those words. “Well,” Tess began as she must’ve realised Joel didn’t know what to say in such situations. “They’re at peace here. Together. I’m sure they would love for you to go somewhere safe.”

Lori nodded hesitantly before turning sharply at Joel. Without a second glance, the little girl walked out the room and down the stairs with the two adults following her in silence.

It was crazy to Joel, how this little girl was able to cope with the world crumbling apart around her. Maybe it was because she didn’t know any better. Because the worst had already happened to her. It couldn’t be real to see a seven year old laugh and joke around with a woman 4-5 times her age after having been found only 3 hours before stealing food to survive and sitting in a room where she had killed her infected parents.

An amused chuckle coming from Tess, took Joel out of his trance. “I’m not supposed to like you, kid.” Joel watched as Lori’s brows turned down in confusion.

“Why not?”

Tess gave the girl a pat on her back, closing the bottle of water she had shared with her. “Because we’ll probably not see each other much when you get to the people who’ll take care of you.”

If it was possible, Lori’s frown would become more pronounced. It was as if the way those words left Tess’ mouth so easily affected the girl. She eyed Tess before glancing at Joel for a second and then refocused her gaze on Tess. “Am I not staying with you two?”

“Well, me and Joel aren’t home a lot. We have to work and aren’t always in the QZ. It’ll be hard to take care of you when we’re not home that often.”

“Oh,” Lori said softly. She looked down in her lap before nodding. “Will you at least come see me when you aren’t working?”

Tess smiled and patted the girl’s back again. “Of course.”

“Fucking—” Tess ducked her head to the side as the impact of the shot reverbrated from her left side. She looked up with a scowl, watching Lori walk up to her with a grin. “Are you trying to kill me?”

Lori holstered her gun before crouching down. She tore a piece of fabric from a dirty shirt she found laying around and wound it around Tess’ leg. While securing the fabric Lori glanced to Tess’ left side, just behind her on the floor. “I've got a pretty good aim,” she chuckled and focussed on finishing up the makeshift bandage around the older woman’s thigh. Tess looked behind her to see a clicker on the floor. Bullet hole right between where its eyes should be.

“Don’t get cocky on me now,” Tess warned the girl, trying not to show her a smile. Lori saw through her though, she always did.

Some shuffling sounded from behind the two as Lori pulled Tess back on her feet. “Are you done with your girl talk? We need to hurry up before it gets too dark.”

Lori looked back at Tess with an amused smirk. The older of the two hadn’t caught the smirk yet, until Lori spoke, “what a buzzkill.” Tess hit the younger girl on her shoulder, but tried to stifle her laugh as she watched Joel mumble under his breath.

“Don’t get on his bad side now,” Tess warned, limping slightly behind the two. The cut in her leg wasn’t too deep, yet it still stung. She had gone through worse, though.

“I think I already am,” Lori joked as she wrapped herself around Joel’s arm. “He doesn’t like me very much.”

“I’m sure that’s not true—”

“She’s right,” Joel interrupted Tess and shrugged the girl off his arm. Lori just laughed, leaving Joel to roll his eyes.

“Didn’t you see, though? I shot that clicker and saved Tess’ life!”

“Still don’t know why we gave you a gun,” Joel muttered.

“What? I just said I saved her life!”

Tess rolled her eyes, skipping a little to get between the two. She looked at the young girl before mouthing, “leave it.”

Lori rolled her eyes and this time Tess could tell the girl’s mood dropped. “I’m just letting you know you owe me.”

“I know I do,” Tess said to try and lighten the mood, but from that point on Lori—and Joel—stayed silent.

They arrived at Joel’s apartment in the QZ a few hours later. Joel crashed onto the couch while Lori sat down at the small kitchen table that was so wobbly, it got everyone wondering when it would break apart. The girl laid her head down on the table, closing her eyes as if she would fall asleep there.

“Kiddo,” Tess called out for Lori, who only hummed in response. “You said I owed you right?” Lori squinted her eyes questioningly at Tess before realising what she was holding in her hand.

“Wow! Where did you find this?” Lori took the book of sudokus from Tess and Tess could see the glimmers of excitement light up Lori’s eyes.

“Found it in that house where you saved me from that clicker. It’s partly filled in, but I’m sure there’s plenty you can still do.” Tess leaned in closer, pointing at something on the cover. “It says advanced, as well. I’m sure these will keep you occupied for a couple of weeks.”

“A couple of days maybe,” Lori muttered, but she was still happy beyond belief. “Thank you Tess!” The girl jumped up from her seat and launched herself onto Tess. The latter chuckled awkwardly, but let Lori hug her.

Tess found out rather quickly after they found Lori and took her to the QZ that the girl was really smart. Besides already being fairly mature for her age, the girl seemed to be a real problem solver—literally. The second she learned how sudokus were solved—she learned this from one of the men that worked for Tess—Lori would spend every minute she could solving them. As she got older, she did them less often. Not only were the books a rare thing to find, but she had also gotten so good at them that she would finish the easy ones within only a minute or two.

“What’s so fun about those little number games anyway?” Tess and Lori turned their heads to Joel, who had uttered the question with annoyance in his tone.

“I’m not surprised you don’t know that it’s called a sudoku, which isn’t a game,” Lori answered through gritted teeth. Joel just rolled his eyes and got more comfortable on the couch. “They’re puzzles,” the young girl added, “and you’re probably too stupid to solve them.”

“Lori!” Tess gasped before she watched Joel swing his legs down the couch and glower at the teen.

“You do not talk to me like that. Understood?” Joel’s voice was low and steady. It would make anyone cower, but Lori didn’t even flinch. She returned Joel’s scowl and for the first time Tess felt nervous seeing the two act the way they did.

“No,” Lori answered unwavering which caused Joel to boil over and stand up, anger clearly consuming his figure.

Tess quickly jumped between the two, pushing herself back into Joel so he couldn’t get closer to Lori. She knew Joel wouldn’t hurt her, but she wasn’t sure what else he would do and she wasn’t about to find out. “Okay, you two can stop this,” Tess told them with a nervous quiver in her voice. She wasn’t afraid of Joel, nor was she afraid of the young girl she had been taking care of for multiple years, but it was the foreign situation that was unfolding that caught her slipping from her usual collected demeanour. “I don’t know why you are so hostile towards each other today, but let’s just stop this now.”

Lori grabbed her puzzle book from the table, stuffed it in her bag and pulled the strap of her bag over her shoulder. “He fucking started it,” she mumbled, holding Joel’s stare.

“Let’s not handle this like children—”

“I am a kid, Tess!” The older of the two women watched as Lori’s eyes shifted to Joel. She could tell Lori was biting back her words before she looked back at Tess. The look in the girl’s eyes told Tess she felt betrayed that she, Tess, was taking Joel’s side and Tess wanted nothing more than to assure the girl that that wasn’t the case, but Lori spoke before she could say anything, “I’m heading home.”

Without another word, Lori turned around and disappeared behind the front door of Joel’s apartment, likely going back to Tess’ place. Tess sighed in disappointment before turning around to face Joel. “What the fuck is your problem?”

Joel mumbled something under his breath before laying back down on the couch.

“I know Lori isn’t your daughter. I know she isn’t Sarah—”

“Don’t bring her up,” Joel warned, opening his left eye to glare at Tess.

“Lori isn’t your kid, but she’s still a kid and that gives you no reason to treat her like shit.” Tess’ voice was full of disappointment and somewhere beneath the worry she carried for Lori and her relationship with Joel, there was anger. Anger towards the stupidity of it all. “I don’t know why you’re suddenly acting like this. I just don’t get it.”

Joel sighed and sat up on the couch, leaving room for Tess to sit down next to him if she pleased. “Seven years ago we said we’d bring Lori to a family who would take care of her. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want a 14 year old following us around with a gun and making our jobs 10 times harder.”

Tess frowned at the nonsense Joel was spitting. “What the fuck are you even saying? Seven years ago you insisted on bringing Lori here. You gave me no way out and I did everything I could to give her a family, but it didn’t work out. Now she’s my family and I’m getting a little pissed off with how you are treating her.”

“Next time, let’s leave her in the QZ when we go out, she’s a danger to us,” Joel said as if trying to change the subject. Tess, however, noticed Joel’s gaze lower to the bloody bandage around her leg and it was like a lightbulb turned on inside her head.

“This?” she asked incredulously, motioning at her leg. “The kid fucking saved me, Joel! If it weren’t for her, that clicker would’ve gotten to me.”

Joel jumped up from his seat and moved close to Tess. “What if she missed? What if she shot you instead? I should have saved you! I am the one that should keep you safe!” he yelled, emphasising the I’s by pointing at his chest.

Before Joel could register the sting on the side of his face, Tess was already storming out of his apartment. “You selfish bastard,” she muttered as she gathered her stuff. “Lori and I don’t need you. It’s you who needs us and you fucking know it. So get a grip.” The door shut with a loud bang.

“Huh—”

“Shh, sweetheart. It’s just me,” Tess whispered as she climbed into bed with Lori. She softly tucked Lori’s long locks of hair behind her ear and felt her heart break when she saw her tear stained cheeks. “You can go back to sleep,” she told the girl, who immediately buried her face underneath her chin.

The two usually never were this touchy. It only happened once before that they hugged like this. It was a day that Tess promised never to talk about again, knowing how much it affected Lori. If it were for Lori, however, they would be closer, physically and emotionally. Tess just didn’t want to get too attached—it was already too late for that. The thought in the back of her mind lingering. Wondering how many days they would be able to spend together in this hellish world. Even though they spent seven whole years together, Tess was still worried she might lose Lori or Lori might lose her. If anything happened she would like it to be the latter of the two options.

“I didn’t know what I did for him to hate me.”

“You didn’t do anything—”

“Clearly I did.”

Tess sighed, pulling the girl closer. “Joel doesn’t hate you,” she said, trying to comfort her in a soft voice. She chuckled a little as she said, “he’s just being a bit of a dick.”

“That’s an understatement,” Lori mumbled into Tess’ shirt, causing the older woman to laugh warmly. “It’s just that I see all these families in the QZ and outside that, despite everything, care for each other and then I look at my d— Joel and,” Lori started to stumble over her words and Tess could feel her face heating up against the skin of her neck. “He— My real father is dead, I don’t mean— Joel… I just want him to not hate me. I—”

Tess waited for Lori to continue, but she stopped talking completely. With a sad smile, not visible to Lori, Tess stroked the girl’s hair. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I know he’ll come around—”

“Let’s just sleep.”

A sigh escaped Tess’ lips and she nodded. “Goodnight, love.”

As Lori slept in Tess’ arms, Tess thought about all the things she wanted to yell at Joel for. Her mind kept wandering back to the last words she yelled at Joel. “Lori and I don’t need you,” she remembered herself telling him. And it was true. But she also realised that Lori just wanted him. Moreover, she wanted Joel to want her. She wanted to be someone special in his life with the false hope he had given her when he insisted on bringing her to the QZ.

When Tess and Joel had found Lori, alone in that house, it was the first and last time both Tess and Lori had seen the fear, the love and the care of a father in Joel’s eyes. And that would continue to be true for Tess, because she wouldn’t be alive to see that shift again when Ellie—the girl she’d still be able to meet before her death—would start to mean something to Joel. Tess also wouldn’t be alive to see the betrayal and torment that would cause Lori.

Because all that Lori would ever want is for Joel to care.

[signofthebucky]

Just watching Rens new video (ep 24) and heard him mention that he wonders what his skin would look like by the end of the season. I am not an artist but i do have an ✨imagination✨

So, hear me out:

1. Gerard Way’s eye make up from the three cheers era. Ren has been exposed to his biome and although his eyes are somewhat protected by his glasses, they still are affected. (Image below)

2. The TVA spacesuit from Loki. More inspired by the colours of GIGACORP of course. He needs a safety suit to walk around the biome guys, safety first! (Imagine below)

3. So we all know Joel’s skin has a green streak in his hair right? I feel like Ren should have an orange streak due to the spores in the air, just sayin’.