#<- i don't consider myself to actually be a child abuse victim. but this stuff might be triggering for people who are

[charcolor]

didn't want to make that post about me so i'm posting it separately.

2014, after mike brown was murdered, was when i stopped standing for the pledge. (i was in 8th grade.) my homeroom teacher got mad at me for it, telling me nothing is more important than standing during the pledge.

i kept refusing and they called my parents.

my biodad came in my room while i was at his house, trying to convince me america is great and i should respect it by standing for the pledge. i told him about police brutality and mike brown. he told me mike brown was a criminal and his murderer was just doing his job as a cop, or something to that effect. i told him it wasn't true that he robbed a store (obviously, though, robbing a store wouldn't call for murder. even if i had thought to mention this he wouldn't have listened.), i showed him security footage posted online to prove it. he laughed at me for actually believing that, mocking me for thinking mike brown didn't deserve to die, which triggered a meltdown (i forget if i had started crying already, but i was definitely crying now) and i lightly kicked him in the gut.

i was 13 and small, he was 55 and big, so it didn't hurt him, but he immediately yanked on my leg and started smacking my backside while i was crying. as if he'd been waiting for an excuse, this wasn't physical abuse because i hit him first, all because he was trying to teach me that america is great. he took my kindle fire (which i used to access the internet, i didn't have a smartphone yet) and had me sit in the living room while waiting to go home to my mom's house. while i was waiting he put on some videos on his computer. i forget how many, one was about how great america is or something (might have just been the national anthem) and another "proving" that mike brown was a dangerous criminal who needed to be put to death.

later, during a therapy session (i believe right before i was sent to the psych ward) he told my therapist "i never said he deserved to die, just that he was asking for it." which is a statement that still baffles me.

when i turned 18 and no longer legally had to go to his house i cut all contact. unfortunately, even though i have his number blocked, he can still send texts. i have to see his overaffectionate hollow bullshit every time i happen to open my blocked messages.

i realized recently that being treated like that to this day makes me scared to talk to anyone. being laughed at and mocked by my biodad like that, while i was breaking down, made me scared of experiencing it again if i ever try to speak to adults about serious topics, like police brutality or the genocides in palestine and congo or fascism in general. i try to contribute in other ways, by donating and sharing posts and going to vigils (there are anti-war vigils in providence twice a week.) but actually confronting someone is too mortifying. i'm very ashamed of myself for that, i hope i get stronger someday, i'd be able to help more people.

a lot of times i think about how i outlived people like mike brown, how i was younger than them when they were murdered. he really was just a kid. he's supposed to be 28. it's not fair that he was murdered and everyone (well, everyone with power at least) forgot after a few months.

[furiousgoldfish]

While growing up in an abusive family, a part of me strongly refused to grow up, in fact it's still resisting it. I thought at first, it was because I was taught that I am less and less valuable as I age, but it wasn't only that. It turns out, growing around mostly abusive people, can give you some horrifying notions of what it means to be an adult.

I am going to write down how I perceived adulthood, as an abused kid, because I need to work on it myself, and if there's somebody else feeling this, know that these are not your only option for a future:

All adults are stupid, unkind, boring, bitter, aggressive, obsessed with money, do not understand people around them at all.

All adults have to play specific roles assigned to them and don't step outside of these roles. For instance: mother, grandma, father, aunt, teacher, uncle, neighbour. All roles are restrictive and people can only do whatever is assigned to this role (cleaning, cooking, working a job, going to army, being married, etc)

Adults can't play, be curious, or have fun. Adults have to be focused on their role and stay grumpy, serious, bitter and busy. They don't laugh except when drunk.

Adults are having it tougher than children. They are unloved, uncared for, nobody considers them nice or pretty, nobody wants them around or gives them gifts. Adults are permanently unwanted and undesired everywhere.

Adults have good opinions only of people who are already dead. Everyone alive is constantly being humiliated, shamed and criticized. It's better to be dead.

Adults don't care about children, and only think the worst of children. Adults think children should only exist to work and to be yelled at. Adults are dangerous.

Adults don't care about friendships, loyalty, kindness, courage, bonds, closeness, care, or love. Adults friendships are drinking and smoking in the same room while talking badly about every other person in their life. They don't play, laugh or share things. It's a big game of pretense that the other has it better.

Adults lie and fake everything. They lie about their home life, about what they know, about money. They lie about, and to their children. They tell lies confidently. They make things up if they don't know and then tell those lies as if they're truths. They don't feel guilt if caught lying and instead double down on it.

Adults have money but they can't spend it. They have to keep paying bills and they never have enough money for bills and food. They will buy alcohol and cigarettes though, but they're always stressed about bills. They consider it children's fault.

Adults are endlessly stressed about having to 'feed a family'. This is so bad that they actually end up hating their families. They wish all of their children were dead so they wouldn't have to feed them. They can't seem to stop having children but also hate feeding them. It's like they're forced into it.

Adults have to work constantly. They work their jobs and have to do endless chores when they get home. They have to get up early to do chores and do them late at night. They have to do everything alone, unless they can get a child to do it for them. They can't select not to do it, they have to shift it to someone else to avoid it. Adults have no free time, or hobbies. They have to work at all times and always know what needs to be done.

 Adults have bodies that work less and less. They can't run, climb or jump. They're always having surgeries and can barely walk. Their backs and hips hurt and they complain about the pain every time they need to do anything. They blame the work for this but can't stop working. They're still somehow stronger than children when they want to hurt children, and then they're fully mobile. But at all other times they appear sickly and need stuff done for them.

Adults never get over anything that ever happened to them. They're always victimized by everything that ever happened to them. We the children have to get over things instantly, but they are angry and bitter about the past forever. They hold grudges against family members forever. They freely take things out on other family members. They never forgive or forget or calm down.

Adults are not passionate about anything. Their main priority is looking good in front of others and convincing everyone they're better than they are.

Adults selectively care when someone is crying. If it's someone they don't know, they'll act nice about it. If they know the person they will tell them to shut up and stop annoying them. It's like they fall for strangers tears but see through anyone else's as pretense. I don't understand.

Adults die and then other adults get drunk at their funerals. They say you need to cry but they're only serious for the public part and then go and have parties where they just laugh with everyone. Adults don't care about the dead people but say you're not supposed to say anything bad about them now they're dead. They pretend they cared while the person was alive but they didn't. They obsessively clean and decorate graves just for others not to think they 'didn't care'.

Adults will betray anyone's secrets. Adults will tell other adults whatever you told them in confidence. Adults cannot be trusted with information.

Adults judge and badmouth anyone who doesn't act the way they think people are supposed to act. They will impose their own rules and morals on others and shame anyone who doesn't agree. They insist that everyone needs to follow their assigned family role even though they complain about hating their own. They use the most horrid slurs for people they consider 'bad at their role' and write these people off as parasites and worthless people

Adults all agree children should be obedient, quiet and never want anything or disturb them. They want children only to present them with achievements and work for the rest of time.

Adults have sex but nobody is supposed to say anything about it. It's unclear whether they want to be doing it. If it's a part of a role it doesn't seem like they can say no.

Adults can't be cared for or pampered like children can. Adults do not get candy or chocolate. Adults say it's because children are cute and they're not. Adults are jealous of children. Adults complain about not being cared for.

Adults don't understand how hard children have it and always say being a child is the easiest and best time of life. They seem jealous and tell children to be grateful because it's only going to get worse. I can't imagine surviving worse. They claim their childhood was better than anything they deal with now because food was free and they didn't have to have a job.

Adults have no freedom. They have to stay with family and play their role. They can't survive otherwise. They leech off of each other and hate everyone. They live by imposed rules that force everyone to stay together even if they hate each other. They hate everyone around them. They feel loyal to no one. They bring misery to themselves and people around them and don't feel shame or responsibility for anyone they've hurt or ruined.

Adults don't see others as people with their own inner world. They insist that everyone except them is stupid, shallow, mindless and worthless.

Adults are all cowards who will submit to anyone who is stronger and louder. They'll only fight those who are weaker. They don't care about justice and will happily punish victims in unfair fights. They themselves are bitter and upset if they don't get the justice.

Adults only ever look out for themselves. They don't care about other people. They want money and others to admire them and to serve them. If that is not happening they are angry and bitter at the entire world.

Adults don't see good in other people. They don't see what someone else needs or deserves. They don't care about adventures or magic. They don't have wonder or awe inside of themselves. They don't even look at beautiful things in front of them. They don't care about nature, animals or trees. They don't care about books or knowledge, or reading. They don't care about stories or legends. They don't care about people who suffer so badly they want to die. They judge people for suicide.

They don't care about creating or making something unless it can be sold for money. They don't even tolerate others doing it.

They love no one. Everything they do is a drag and a pain to them and they want to push their work on someone else all the time. They don't care about anything except money and how to get more attention and keep pretenses. They have no true friends or care for anyone. All they have is work, rules and roles they need to act. Their lives are meaningless. Even though they have money they cannot travel or use it for fun or joy. They don't think anyone should be free to do as they want. They have no dignity or honor but pretend they do when in company. They yell but pretend they're victims for 'having to yell'.

They don't care if someone wants to die because of their actions. They don't care for anyone who wants to live differently. People who live differently are worthless and stupid to them. They think they're the only ones who are always right even when they're always wrong.

Adults are convinced that when I grow up this will all make sense and I will grow up to be exactly like them

If you felt as a child, or still do, that these are the truths of adulthood, and something you'll end up becoming, it's not true, and it's mostly just abusers who live their lives in this manner. If this is the only thing you've ever known and seen as a child, adulthood would be terrifying and feel like you'd have to lose your soul in order to become like this.

I'll write another follow-up debunking these and writing what I feel adulthood is right now. It's just definitely not that. And living around people who act like this is normal, is traumatic.

[666writingcafe]

An Interview With Lucifer

Part Three of A New Series

Question One: How do your friends describe you in a word?

Cranky.

Question Two: Who would you want to be stuck with on an island?

If I was limited to just one person, then MC. If there were multiple people, I'd add Mammon and Barbatos.

Question Three: What are you hiding now?

Treats from Cerberus. Not because he isn't a good dog, but because he's found their original hiding place and has been digging into them constantly, and the treats I give Cerberus are rather expensive, so I can't exactly afford to buy them every day and ensure that other stuff gets paid for.

Question Four: Do you prefer mountains or beaches?

It depends on my mood. If I don't want anyone to find me, then definitely mountains, but if I'm feeling a bit romantic, then I'd hit the beach.

Question Five: What is your hidden talent?

I can juggle. And I don't mean that in the metaphorical sense--although I can do that too--but in the literal sense, like a circus clown. It's one of the ways I relieve stress, because I can just shut my brain off and focus on keeping the objects I'm juggling up in the air.

Question Six: What makes you laugh?

You'll get a satisfied chuckle out of me whenever someone I dislike gets what they deserve, but if you want to hear a true, unrestrained laugh, either get me drunk on Demonus or put me in a room with MC when they're in a good mood.

Question Seven: If you were a thing, what would you be?

A metronome.

Question Eight: If you have no GPS, how would you find your destination?

I'd print out directions. (But what if you were unable to do that?) Then I'd ask the locals where I need to go. I may be the Avatar of Pride, but that doesn't mean I'm not willing to admit when I'm lost. (someone yells out, "that's a lie, and you know it!") And if all else fails, then I'll get to my destination through sheer determination.

Question Nine: Describe your three best qualities.

Apparently I'm patient, kind, and loving. (Why do you phrase it like that?) Because I wouldn't necessarily call myself any of those things, but I trust that the person who did wouldn't lie to me about such things. (And who might that person be?) MC.

Question Ten: Would you consider yourself a cool person?

I'm going to lean towards no. I'm far from being a trendy person. Just ask any of my brothers. (What about MC?) You'll have to ask them. I know they like spending time with me, but I honestly don't know why. Usually I'm busy with paperwork, and it's not like that's terribly interesting.

Question Eleven: What is a skill you want to master?

Baking.

Question Twelve: What would you do first if you won a human world jackpot?

Pay off any debts MC may have.

Question Thirteen: What one aspect of the human world would you change if you could?

I'd make it legal to punish animal and child abusers by inflicting the same types of torture onto them as they did on their victims. (That's rather serious, Lucifer.) So is abusing those that are unable to understand why their supposed family is hurting them.

Question Fourteen: What is your preferred card or board game?

Let's just say that I'm not allowed to play any tabletop fantasy games unless I can ensure that all of my work is complete. (Why's that?) You've met Levi, yes? (I have.) Now, imagine me behaving like him, and you'll have your answer.

Question Fifteen: What is your current favorite app on your phone?

Don't make fun of me, but there's this app where you can send messages to people and it shows up on their phone in a cartoony heart. (Are you talking about the viral Candy Heart app?) ...yes. (That's actually quite sweet.) It was MC's idea, and I initially did downloaded it just to amuse them, but I've come to enjoy using it as time has gone on.

Question Sixteen: Would you go to space if you could?

I'm content with merely looking at pictures of space.

Question Seventeen: What kind of museum or exhibit do you prefer?

I like learning about the history of different objects. Looking at their evolution fascinates me.

Question Eighteen: What kind of humor do you prefer?

I'll throw you a curve ball: I enjoy a nice pun from time to time, even if it would be classified as a "dad joke".

Question Nineteen: Do you prefer driving a car, a motorcycle, or a bicycle?

Oh, a motorcycle, by far.

Question Twenty: When was the last time you climbed a tree?

This is going to really show my age, but the last time I climbed a tree was when I was a young angel. *pauses* Thinking about it is making me want to do it now. Being up in the branches is quite peaceful.

Question Twenty-One: What is your strangest habit?

There are times where the only way I'm able to fall asleep is to hang upside-down like a bat.

Question Twenty-Two: What is your weirdest fantasy?

I'll give you an oddly specific one: if I'm ever able to retire, I'd like to buy a farm somewhere in the human world countryside and raise livestock and plant fruits and vegetables with MC. (You've brought them up several times in this interview.) You could say that I have a soft spot for them. (Or that you love them.) Well, obviously. They're a wonderful person to be around. I'd like to spend the rest of my life with them if I could. (You mean, their life.) Listen, I don't choose my words lightly. What I say is what I mean, one hundred percent.

Question Twenty-Three: Here's something a bit more light-hearted: would you rather fight a shark or wrestle a lion?

The lion. I can't swim nearly as well as Levi can.

Question Twenty-Four: How do you want the world to end?

By my hand.

Question Twenty-Five: Would you like to be shorter or taller?

I like my height just the way it is. (What if you had to choose one or the other?) Then I suppose taller. I don't feel I'd be able to intimidate people as well if I was shorter.

Question Twenty-Six: Who is the annoying person you want to get rid of in your life?

I don't necessarily want to get rid of anyone, but I'd like to seriously alter the behaviors of Solomon and Mephistopheles.

Question Twenty-Seven: Which artist and/or song dominates your human world music playlist?

I'll give you both: Metallica and "Adore You" by Harry Styles.

Question Twenty-Eight: If you had to go to prison, what would be the reason?

Treason.

Question Twenty-Nine: What is the most critical trait you seek in a friend?

They have to be able to keep secrets.

Taglist: @lost-in-time-wanderer, @fuzztacular, @dianedancer18, @sweetbrier2908, @flare-love, @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf, @thunderlightning351, @l3v1chan, @anxious-chick, @5mary5, @expressionless-fr

[abimee]

like this is no hate and do not disrespect the sender but also a few incorrect points about myself in that message I want to correct to make sure that everyone knows the right things about myself:

I have had suicidal thoughts since I was in elementary school because I am Bipolar. I have attempted suicide as well because I am Bipolar. There is no mystery to this aspect, I was actually professionally diagnosed with Bipolar after a suicide attempt, and while I am 100% for self-dx/don't believe the medical institution is always right, I've had multiple instances of being assumed Bipolar and so believe that the doctors were correct in their assessment.

My Executive dysfunction is also Bipolar-based, this is a common symptom of Bipolar and relates to my emotional impairements.

I wouldn't say I have imposter syndrome, I just have low self-esteem. I don't believe i've gotten anywhere with anything I do of which would dictacte success. I run a tumblr blog that averages 15-20 notes per drawing and work dead-end jobs. Low self-esteem is just a thing I have due to a lack of support, kindness, and assurances I got throughout my life.

I desire to distance myself from my old work, specifically UNDERTALE/DELTARUNE, because it's my old work. I think this is just common that people consider their old work inferior, and for me specifically it's because I put a lot of time and love into what I make now, and it just makes me sad that people would rather cling to an old me that doesn't exist anymore than care about what i'm making now. Also, UT/DR is a kids game, and I want to develop into a more mature artist.

My self isolation is a product of my circumstances --- I've always lived in the woods, and without access to transportation. I don't know where the idea that I itentionally self-isolate came from, but i'm actually a very sociable person who wants to go out and do things, but physically can't.

I don't faun, I am fight in a fight/flight situation.

I don't think my friendships with people aren't real, it's more that I've had a terrible record of keeping friendships and have routinely been abandoned, so with my low self-esteem I believe that I will inevitably be abandoned because it's been a clockwork case time and time again.

also small addendum here

I did not experience childhood abuse. I experienced childhood neglect. these are technically distinct things, as child abuse involves physical and verbal acts --- I was neglected, in that I was witheld things important to my development (medical/emotional/verbal stuff like routine doctor visits, re-assurance, physical comfort, etc). I do not have trauma from childhood abuse, though I did experience what I believe to be abuse from another child in the household.

You might be confusing the fact that my major traumatic point was that I am a victim of child-on-child sexual assault. Also, my symptoms of Bipolar have been prevelant before my assault. Just wanted to clarify some things.

[altschmerzes]

Hey there. I am so sorry I triggered you with my response. I had nooo Idea you had abusive parents, I would habe never written that message. I just saw this today (I am not even following you) because of a wonderfull fic of your's I read and I looked you up on tumblr and the post (without the background knowledge I have now) just seemed like a "how annoying are my parents" situation post. Very sorry and I will be sure not to write you again. Just a question- did you ever consider that a new follower or someone how is just in addoration of your fics might stumble across a comment of yours and not have the whole background story and be so insensitive? Not that this is suppossed to make it better, I was astonished though that you thougt someone would write this with knowing the background story (I even wrote i think that I have no Idea how your realtionship is). I will make sure now, to never comment on something I have no clear insight in, that was a big mistake and incosiderated. If it helps, I feel super bad now and at the same time sad for you (for having such a bad moment because of me) and for me (that somone would actually think so low of me, though it does not compare to your problem at all, mine is more a mood, not a problem). have a better day and I am very sorry again. (And my englisch is not so good I am a native spanisch speaker, hope I get across what I meant)

oh i absolutely never assumed you knew anything about my or my situation. it's even in the tags of my original answer. i have repeatedly made it clear that whether or not you know anything about me or my parents is irrelevant. that is the problem. you do not get to lecture strangers about how they talk about their parents. it is just as egregious a massive overstep and insensitively cruel decision to lecture me about it not knowing fuckall about me or my situation as it would be to do it with full knowledge. not knowing anything about me or my parents or the way they abused me is a very clear indication that anything i have to say about them or how 'annoying' i might seem to be finding them is absolutely none of your fucking business.

did you ever consider that it might be extremely insensitive and inappropriate to shame a stranger for how they feel about their parents when you do not know anything about their situation or their life experiences? just a question.

also, people say that stuff to abuse victims all the time knowing full well what's happened to us. it's not a stretch at all. i have had people say directly to me that i should be glad it wasn't worse and my parents are obviously trying, and i can't possibly understand since i'm not a parent yet myself how hard it is to raise a kid. i've had people say all of what you said and much worse while knowing extensive details of what my parents did to me. i've had this come from friends. i envy whatever world you live in where nobody would think to say those things to an abuse victim with the full knowledge they're an abuse victim.

it happens all the time. usually because society has conditioned people to hear stories about conflict of any kind between a parent and child, including adult children, real or fictional or anything, and automatically put themselves in the parent's shoes. it's instinct for so many people to take a parent's side when they do not know, i'll repeat again, fuckall about the situation. it's part of how abuse victims are marginalized and retraumatized and disrespected on a systemic level. children are property, and whiny property at that, and parents are full, complex, rounded people. things like this make it perfectly obvious that this is the case in the minds of way too many.

do some reflecting on your behaviour and your choices. don't do this shit again. do better.

[rhubarb4745]

ok i was going to say more but i got busy and forgot. Coming back to rant now bc im drunk and my gf fell asleep so im bored. but like. idk if it is something in the way that i discuss what has happened to me , but the way that these people i considered best friends treated my v formative trauma as tho it is barely real is like. So surreal idk. the first friend told me she was jealous i was sexually abused because it meant boys liked me, when they never liked her. and the second told me he was jealous i was sent to the psych ward as a child because it meant i got taken seriously -- and also said similar things irt sexual abuse/desireability. and i just don't know how to respond to that bc neither of those things are particularly true. it's so funny almost? when someone makes it so clear that they're projecting. what they said about my experiences were so untrue. i barely even had to be there it was so not about me. dehumanizing as fuck but whatever. clearly they Dgaf about dehumanization considering how they talk about sexual assault but

the sexual abuse stuff is so crazy bc it's literally just Woke Victim Blaming. i was actually just way too sexy when i was seventwelvesixteen so i got harassed or whatever else. that one is particularly funny bc i was absolutely undesirable to men regardless of what they were doing to me. maybe it's only obvious to ppl who have experienced it but the people who sexually abused and harassed and assaulted me did not do it because i was so attractive. they did it because i was a deeply vulnerable and hypersexual child who was often on drugs and in a dissociative state and did not know it was possible for me to experience Safety. like im sorry u didn't get molested so then ur trauma responses made u an easy target. it must have really sucked to have not experienced that fundamental violation of your sexual autonomy before you knew even understood what it was. this was. the breaking point in the first friendship bc it was the most horrible thing on the entire planet to hear from someone i trusted so completely. that i was lucky, that it was because i was attracting it myself, that it would never be taken seriously as a violation.

which brings me to the second point about them saying they were jealous of the Severity of my mental illness because like. idk i wasn't receiving more attention for it or anything that's just how mentally ill i was. i actually went to pretty extreme fucking lengths to hide what i was doing and not end up in a hospital. there was no world in which i did not end up in treatment because if i didn't, i was going to end up in the morgue. i don't want to sound insensitive? because i think everyone deserves treatment. but acting like being forcibly hospitalized as a CHILD was somehow a privilege and not one of the most traumatic things i could ever imagine is like stupid at best evil at worst. i was hospitalized because there was no other course of action or i was going to die. it's not my fault that that wasn't true for you. my parents didn't want to hospitalize me. they didn't want to send me away. they tried to fight it and the doctors wouldn't let them. i just think it's so ridiculous to act as tho it was some sort of special validation i got for being Sick Enough (tm). like it's a sticker everyone deserves. it's not that it was a month of trauma and panic and separation and being poked and prodded and abused and neglected by the system and sexually harassed AGAIN and it ruined my relationships w my family, my mother had to take Months off of work, the debt was enormous, i still get panic attacks and flashbacks...... im glad that he wasn't sick enough to get that validation i guess is all i have to say. im glad that didn't happen to him and it's a stupid thing to want

i hate how often i think about it but like. If i had a nickel for every time i had to stop being friends w someone i consider to be one of my closest friends because they kept telling me that they were jealous i got sexually abused , i would have two nickels . which isn't a lot but it's Insane that it happened twice !!!!!!

[compassionatereminders]

(Quite a long mix of venting and asking for advice, sorry)

My brother used to be... I'm not sure if abusive is the right word. He is six years older than me. And some years ago, he was very horrible to me. Around the time he was a teenager and I a child, he wound up being responsible for a lot of things like fetching me home from school and washing my dishes and stuff. Which, though I didn't know at the time and only processed it a few years ago, was not something you should entrust a teenager with doing. And he was pretty horrible to me. I was pretty obviously the favourite child of our parents and I know I'm lucky for that because our parents treated me so much better than him, but I think he was very resentful and he'd take out his resentment on me. He'd yell at me a lot when I screwed stuff up or forget to do something like putting my dishes in the sink, plus other stuff. He'd also slap me sometimes. At one point he told me I was such a burden I should just kill myself. But as he grew up and I grew up and we both became more responsible, he became less horrible to me and I interacted with him less when I was given the freedom to do so. And now outwardly we're on what other people would see as good terms with each other. But I avoid him whenever I can and I still don't trust him and he still occasionally yells at me and is rude to me in the way that I think siblings are, but it's still much better now. He has matured and so have I, but the memory of how he treated me is still there. It's still scary sometimes when he's mad. I can't figure out how I'm supposed to be about all this now. It hurt me a lot. Can it really be considered abuse when he was a young and stupid teenager with a burden that he was too young to carry? Or when he matured and grew with time and actually became better? Was this my fault because I was the favourite child and I was privileged (still am) and I didn't do anything about it? What do I do now? I don't want to trust him and I don't think I can but am I supposed to when I've seen him genuinely change and even be nice to me? (I know this is partially the fault of our parents. They have no excuse, they are fully grown adults who treated their children like this and they still haven't changed much. I'm gonna grow up and move out asap. But it's my brother I don't know what to do about.)

Yes, it is possible for victims of neglect and abuse to become abusive themselves - and while I sympathize with your brothers struggle as a teenager with neglectful parents and too much responsibility, you're not obligated to forgive him just because he was in a shitty situation too. You can choose to do so and that would be a valid choice, but you don't have to take your abusers background into consideration before being allowed to be upset that they hurt you. So what you do from now on according your relationship with your brother is entirely up to you.

[doctorbunny]

MILGRAM theory time: Haruka!

This isn't going to go super in depth (famous last words) but there's a few heavily debated parts of Haruka's MV I want to share my findings/thoughts on because I think this is my new special interest and during my quest to get best boy's song to 1 million views I have been looking over his first MV with a fine tooth comb so to speak.

Disclaimer: As the Jackalope said in the "This is the MILGRAM" trailer, we don't necessarily know everyone's crime from just the first video, its possible that a lot of things will be re-contextualized in the second MV, however I am not psychic or bilingual and thus will only be working with content released before August 20th 2021 and translated into English (which could cause some language/cultural details to be lost on me as translation is not a 1 to 1 process).

TW for discussions of ableism, child abuse, murder and animal death. Also this is really long so sorry to all the people that follow me for non-MILGRAM stuff

Firstly, I want to start on the topic of Haruka as a person. He is disabled. He does not have 'the mind of a child' (although he is 17, making him legally a minor in both North America and Japan). He is not just 'child-like'. And he is not mentally ill (well he might be, in the sense that many disabilities like Haruka's have strong comorbidities [where a person has two or more conditions but neither directly causes the other] with anxiety, depression and PTSD, but usually when I see people talk about him 'struggling with mental illness' they go on to refer to aspects of his disability). Sometimes on tumblr, people like myself, will see canonical traits written into a character and identify them as being traits associated with our disabilities/mental illness and headcanon them as such. Sometimes this even involves saying things like "It's basically canon!" Although we understand that these characters were probably not the result of a writer intending to write a disabled person. When I say that Haruka is being written as a person with a neurodevelopmental disability, I mean the writer intended to write a disabled character and wrote them in a way that they wanted the audience to pick up on. As an autistic person (which is one of many neurodevelopmental disorders and also something I probably didn't have to specify because who else would be writing an essay about a series they got into a few days ago at 11 o'clock at night) I really like how Haruka has been written so far. There's definitely some parts of him that have been exaggerated so abled normies can pick up on his disability (namely how his MV 's main motif is really child-like drawings) but the writers also included a lot of smaller details I appreciate like how it is noted he avoids eye contact when talking to other people and is depicted as nervously pulling at his sleeves in official artwork, or how he says he finds his prison uniform (which has tight straps) 'relaxing' and when he gets nervous/tense, he will dig his fingernails into the palm of his hands. (These last two potential being examples of 'self stimulation' [aka stimming] where a person seeks out specific sensory stimuli in order to help regulate their nervous system/emotions, in this case the tight uniform creates a comforting, secure feeling [you may have heard about some people preferring to sleep under weighted blankets for this reason] and digging nails into his palms sounds uncomfortable/painful but is done in an attempt to deal with a greater sensory discomfort caused by the situation/environment) I also appreciate the depth he is written with, he struggles to communicate verbally but in his MV and interactions with other inmates is shown to have insecurities, opinions and a consistent thought process (this is all basic character stuff but unfortunately not always present in disabled characters)

Also I want to add that (in terms of what we've been shown so far) Haruka did not kill anyone because of his disability/mental illness. Disabled people are not inherently more innocent than abled people. But there is no disability/mental illness where a symptom is that you kill people and real people have to live with the stigma when you speak carelessly and suggest things like "Haruka is the kind of mentally ill person who kills people as a cry for help" 🧂 (or at the very least real people have to read BS like that and cringe). TL;DR Haruka is less child-like and more onion-like (as in, he has layers) 🧅🧅🧅

Now is the actual theory stuff, oops:

Every prisoner in MILGRAM is supposed to have committed murder in some way, obviously considering Yuno just had an abortion (which i personally do not consider an act of murder) whilst Mu literally stabbed someone to death, this definition is stretched a bit. But it is not agreed upon yet who Haruka killed/how many people he killed or why he killed.

In his MV he is shown to have chased after his dog into a forest, seen something off-screen, then beaten something into a messy pulp with a rock. Some people think the dog is a red herring and that Haruka actually killed his mother/the girl from the fireworks show/his brother. I do not agree.

First: I believe Haruka when he says he doesn't have a brother. The MV literally starts by Haruka looking in the mirror and then switching between the him now

and a really similar looking younger child who just so happened to be a key feature of his memories (I don't have the vocabulary to explain it but its like cinematic parallels that establish this is the same person at different points of their life)

Its not impossible that this is Haruka's secret younger brother, but i think its unlikely. I saw someone saying they had to be different people because Haruka looks less happy than the child but like, most 17 year olds are less visibly happy than when they were 7 (or however old the child is meant to be). Life happens.

So when Haruka is shown pushing the child around and eventually strangling him, this isn't meant to be literal (homicide or suicide), but a representation of how conflicted Haruka feels about his younger self, who may have committed the murder (if you've ever been kept awake cringing at memories of something you said in the past and wishing you could go slap some sense into your former self, this is like that but 10 times more self loathing). The lyric "I am always repeating yesterday," implies he might think about this specific past event a lot.

Moving on, its pretty well accepted that Haruka's parents were abusive in some way and Haruka internalised a lot of it: he constantly apologises, he says in his interrogation questions that his one wish come true is that "[he] want[s] to be loved" and describes in his MV how when he couldn't find the words he was looking for ("you're unfair") one of his parents "would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless.”". He seems to know its unfair but also still says he 'loves' his family, possibly mistakenly believing it is his fault, but also showing an awareness of his situation (and how his parents might behave).

Now, the MV is stylised in a way that makes certain details unclear, but there is one clear detail showing that Haruka's dog was killed

This is the first close up of Haruka and the dog. Haruka's mother is just out of frame supervising, but they look pretty happy. Notice how the puppy has a silvery chain for a collar. Somehow, this dog gets out of the house but only Haruka is shown chasing after it (whether his mother was searching elsewhere or didn't bother following her disabled son into the forest is unclear). Either way, young Haruka is now in the forest, unsupervised.

By the time he finds the dog, there is already blood, suggesting it was initally attacked by something else.

is this a sigh of relief from a boy whose finally found his beloved pet or a jealous weakling glad that nature took its course and he is finally free of that meddling mutt stealing all his mummy's attention? /j

I think this shock at the discovery that 'there is blood on his hands' could imply that rather than literally getting the blood from his dog, Haruka has seen his already injured dog and realises that if the dog got out because of him (he is previously shown to be aware his parents seem to blame him for everything) then he is the reason his dog is injured/dying and will be blamed for it. (this scene plays over the lyrics "It’s fine, though it’s really not It’s really fine, though I don’t really think so When I tried to understand it, You’ll make that disappointed face again" suggesting he is trying to avoid making his parents disappointed and letting the family pet escape into danger is something that could make them very disappointed)

now we get into rock murder (this is present-day Haruka implying that this is either: not how the scene really played out; the writers really wanting the audience to know that this was Haruka's doing and not someone else's; or this turns into a separate incident that happened much later [although note that the red sky and blue moon is the same as when young Haruka first appears at the start])

b the corpse is beyond mangled now, but its clearly the dog because the silver chain collar is still there, to the right of the body. (circled in red for your convenience :3)

My hypothesis is: Haruka didn't set out to kill his dog, but upon finding it injured (we don't know the severity aside from bleeding and also it not being able to run away from Haruka kneeling down above it w/ a big rock so it could range from treatable with a lot of vet help to already on death's door, TBH I don't think Haruka would know the difference) He knew he'd be blamed for this; made into a villain who let the poor puppy come to harm. He panicked and killed the dog out of some idea that it would make him the victim here (since he'd be found crying over a dog corpse, which might make a parent go comfort him rather than getting angry about what could've happened to the dog). This is over the lyrics: "I cried, I screamed I wanted to be a pitied and loved weakling I was in denial, I was in denial I just had to make sure I’ve become a victim, I’ve become a victim" (there's another theory that he was also jealous of the dog, which could work here too, since this is not some calculated plot; rather its a rash decision) This ties in with his Japanese song title (translated as Weakness) which is a play on a phrase sort of like "The strong eat, the weak do not" to become "The weak are eaten by society" or "The weak eat each other to survive" [once again I am reminding everyone this is based on second hand information from the youtube comments section (from users mitchki and Alphaistic) because I do not speak Japanese] This second meaning (The weak eat each other to survive) makes sense under the reading that Haruka killed his dog in order to 'survive' making his parents disappointed for the dog escaping.

Miscellaneous points:

We don't know where Haruka's necklace came from yet, it must be a gift since the most expensive thing he's ever bought was cotton candy. The younger child in the video isn't wearing it and neither is his mother or the girl in the purple dress.

Haruka's home seems quite big, at the start we can see a large flower garden outside the window and there's a forest in walking distance. This might suggest his family is quite wealthy

Haruka probably did go to school at some point as homeschooling is not a legally accepted as an alternative to public schools in Japan. (However it is estimated that up to 5000 families homeschool, this is uncommon) A lot (about 62%) of Japanese schools apparently have a 'special needs' classes and there are about 505 schools focused on educating intellectually disabled students (although I do not know which sort Haruka would've needed as whilst intellectual and development disabilities can be comorbid they aren't the same). Now, if children aged 7-14 don't go to school, their parents receive a fine, but its possible that if Haruka's parents are wealthy, they just paid it to avoid sending him to school. (This might imply they wanted to hide him or were generally ashamed of him in some way) However high school education (for students over 14) is not legally required and its likely that even if Haruka went to elementary/middle school, he hasn't been around people his own age in at least 3 years. As he seems quite lonely and glad that the other prisoners give him attention.

I don't think Haruka's parents are divorced and if they are, its not his father who left. Haruka mentions in the 30 questions that he thinks he disappointed his father. But still includes him as part of his family ("My father and mother and me"). A theory I've seen is that his father was disappointed by his son being disabled and left. but developmental disabilities (especially in non verbal and semi verbal children like Haruka) can be diagnosed before the age of 3, so I feel it is unlikely that Haruka would bring up his father if he left that early in Haruka's life

All MILGRAM prisoners have covered one of DECO*27's older vocaloid songs (DECO*27 is a well known producer who composes the music for MILGRAM) Haruka covered 'Two Breaths Walking' (https://youtu.be/puXLfVWrz2Q) which is about a boy's first relationship and how his mother's jealousy set him up for failure as the relationship becomes toxic (specifically it has some very funny out of context lines like "Whose breasts are you sucking on now?") so yeah, mommy issues: the song (Also: some people say in the song, the boy kills the girl at the end, but this isn't literal, TBW is the first of a trilogy of songs about the same relationship, it is followed by Android girl then Two Breaths Walking: Reloaded and the story resolves with the couple reuniting as adults and getting in the relationship again, although its not necessarily as abusive as before, its still implied to be codependant ending on the line 'We should live like oxygen tanks, sucking breathe from the words each of us exhale, until our last breathe')

In all seriousness, the scene where younger Haruka is walking through the city with his mother but it keeps repeating until older Haruka pulls the younger one away might indicate an attempt to focus the happier memories of his parents (since this is also over the lyrics "Why is it breaking? Tell me why? Please don’t change If I tried and couldn’t say it, You would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless.”" which depict a worse scene) I think both his parents are still physically present but have become far more emotionally distant, not giving him as much attention, which exacerbates his loneliness from not having any friends his own age to talk to

And if one of his parents did leave? I think its likely his mother since she is shown disappearing out of his reach after the dog-incident (inferring she got angry/disappointed in Haruka anyway) This could also be where he got his necklace from: Its something his mother used to wear (although this is 100% a guess) and that's why its shown to be important to him

This one is just me, but i didn't realise until a rewatch that when Haruka is watching the younger him and the girl running together, the background has fireworks. Haruka mentions fireworks being a key memory to him so I wonder if this was one of the first/last times he got to make a friend...

On three separate occasions in the interrogation, Haruka mentions not liking animals. Despite this, he is depicted as sleeping with a rabbit plush and on his birthday art (I'd include that too but tumblr only allows 10 pictures per post, so here's a link) he is standing next to a giant blueberry and strawberry cake with two bunny themed biscuits at the side. Through my experiences of seeing Japanese fandom art on pixiv, sometimes rabbits are used to insinuate a character is cute and timid in fanart.

Meaningless details: Haruka sleeps with his necklace on; he sleeps on a bed and not a futon; at first I thought he woke up holding his plush's hand but his hand is merely next to the toy; and considering the state of the pillow and blanket, I wonder if he moves a lot in his sleep or if the is just because in this case he seems to be waking up from a nightmare about the dog incident...

Final note: I've spent so many hours writing this I don't remember if i was building up to any big finale or not but I hope you enjoyed reading this! Feel free to add on in the comments/reblogs.

[emilythecosmicbun]

Creepypasta OCs.

Any updates information is on Wattpad WATTPAD: https://www.wattpad.com/story/255861941-creepypasta-ocs-emily-elliot-and-stedge

TW BLOOD, ABUSE MENTION

cottontailprincess is my Instagram and Emilythecosmiccat is my username on some art websites.

They/Them pronouns please

do not sexualise me, my characters or my boyfriend please he isn’t comfortable with that.

okay so these are my two vent ocs.

Emily/Elliot (Bunny.)

one of them, as you know, is my impure agere oc, representing all the sad and flashback parts of everything. I made them to help cope with my thoughts and feelings. They are based off of my appearance and my trauma. They age up with me.

BASIC INFO

Full Name: Emily/Elliot Bunzelle but prefers just Emily or Elliot.

Nickname(s): Bunny, Emmy, El, Em, Princess, Prince, Princette

Meaning of name: Emily (from Urban Dictionary.) An Emily is someone who is crazy inside and out. She knows who her friends are and try’s hard to look after them. She is very pretty but doesn’t always know that. She isn’t always the most popular, but to her that doesn’t matter. She has friends from all ages and they all adore her. She hides her feelings however upsetting they may be.

Meaning of name: Elliot (Urban Dictionary) Elliot is a true master at caring. He teaches how to love and be loved. A man of honour a man of steal. He's as handsome as a Greek God, as strong as diamond, as compassionate as a saint and is as gentle as a father's touch. Elliot possesses a magic within to create a vision in the eyes of all, leaving them stunned at how brilliant and perfect Elliot truly is. A leader, a spirit lifter, a lover, a giver, an Elliot'll leave you speechless with his being, his essence.

Gender: Non-Binary

Pronouns: They/Them

Age:

Currently 19, same as IRL me, though they physically and mentally regress to younger ages, so their age varies. Their main ages are variants of 1+

Date of Birth:

August 21st (Body born in 2001)

Race/Species: English and a Spirit or Entity.

Native language: English (as in England English.)

Orientation/Sexual Preference: Bisexual Personality: Silly, playful, honest, caring, childish, bratty, stubborn, sweet.

Are They Dead: No but they aren't alive either. Somewhere in between.

Any Mental Health Issues?

C-PTSD, due to multiple traumatic events. They frequently experience multiple flashbacks and nightmares, and is usually terrified of leaving their safe space unless it’s with Stedge, even then, they panic.

Triggers: Listed Here. Triggers page on my Carrd.

Powers/Special Abilities: Can float slightly off the ground, is able to phase through walls, spew blood at will, and look "alive" when speaking and comforting children, or just around those they trust.

APPEARANCE:

Looks:

Very young child:  Short but very curly/wavy brown hair, a bit lighter than when they are in older looking forms. They wear a pink dress with a white shirt under, and black school shoes. However, they can also just wear a sonic shirt and leggings, or a skirt.

Child:  They can vary but their usual look is long curly/wavy brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin, blood on their mouth and nose area, tired-looking eyes, pink dress, sometimes a nightgown, depending on the look, they can wear socks, bunny slippers or even go barefoot! Sometimes they wear bunny ears! Sometimes they like to wear sonic gear.

Teen:  Depending on the age as a teen, at the point it's  "kawaii" inspired things, sometimes just a Melanie Martinez shirt and pants (or skirt), sometimes overalls! They also wore band merch, stuff like that. They have either long brown hair, black hair or multicoloured hair like Melanie Martinez (dyed in variants such as pink, red, blonde (more like light ginger.)

Adult:  Band tops, but also ones with cute designs on such as bunnies or kittens, sometimes overalls or dresses, sometimes even onesies, since they can still have the traits of an agere headspace. Short Brown hair, is a lot chubbier than the rest, can be considered mid or plus size.

Height: Varies depending on form and age, but usually smol.

Weight: (UNKNOWN BUT IT VARIES.)

Hair color: Dark brown/Brown

Eye color: Brown

Scars and/or skin conditions: Has a few bruises and a few cuts in some places, but I prefer to not draw them.

Has a skin condition called psoriasis. (I have it IRL.)

Never Seen Without: White Bun, and their three Cream The Rabbit plushies.

Likes:

• Things with peaches (the fruit) on them. (Including peaches and peach ice tea.)

��� Bunnies

• Their Caregiver, Stedge.

• Drawing, and colouring in.

• The colour pink.

• Sonic The Hedgehog.

• Porcelain Dolls

• Stuffed Animals

Dislikes:

• Abusers (including physical, mental and sexual abusers.)

• Those who take advantage of vulnerable people.

• People who don’t take them seriously.

• Drama.

• Being abandoned or left alone.

Relationships:

Stedge - Partner in crime, best friend, caregiver and lover. (Depending on age of course.)

Cream.exe (Sally.exe game) - practically twinning, bunny loves to hang out with cream.exe. (my highest kin, apart from cream herself.)

Family Members - Depending on which member, they do have a good bond or a negative one. Bunny loves them on different levels, some of them, they hate.  This does not reflect on how (I myself) feel about said family members.

(If you want your creepypasta oc to be friends with Bunny, just ask!)

OTHER INFO:

• They age up with my current age since they aren't dead and they are based off of me.

• I decided to make them some sort of entity since I couldn’t make them a ghost and still be alive lol they age up with me.

•Their “trauma” is the same as mine, which is why I won’t write it in detail here but they are a victim of abuse.

• They are all bloody because its how I feel about my trauma.

• They physically and mentally regressed to the age they are supposed to be, if they are in their child forms, they are an actual child. (Direct reference to my age regression I use to help me cope with my trauma) They prefer to be in this form so they can protect and befriend children. They don't harm children or other victims of abuse. The children usually call them “bunny.”

• When they're in their adult form, they have a partner called Stephen. Someone who they have known since they were 17 years old. When they are a “child” he takes care of them and protects them to make sure they don't ever get hurt again.

• Their sense of justice is what caused them to want to help other children. They never want to see another child go through what they went through.

Any Other Info is on the Picture.

Stedge

Well, I also made a creepypasta oc to represent my boyfriend, someone who I love and trust to help me during those horrible times. He’s like my partner in crime. lmao also his age isn’t rly there because he ages up with his real life counterpart, which will get updated.

REMINDER TO NOT SEXUALISE HIM AS MY BOYFRIEND IS UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THAT.

BASIC INFO:

Name: Stephen

Nickname(s): Stedge, Mr. Bubbles (by Emily/Elliot.)

Meaning of name: Stephen The most beautiful boy in existence. Has stunning eyes, that make your heart fall through the floor when they crinkle with his perfect smile. Is deep, unlike most boys, and extremely intelligent. Has a big heart, and he doesn't realize when he's being taken for granted. Even though he would never admit it, he sometime's can't see what's right in front of him. An over-analyzer, and very stubborn, but he will admit defeat when he has to. Likes to drive girls crazy, apparently. Easy to fall in love with. Hard to figure out.

Gender: Male

Age: Ages up with IRL person. Currently: 19.

Date of Birth:

9th April

Race/Species: English, Human.

Native language: UK English.

Orientation/Sexual Preference: Straight

Are They Dead: No

Any Mental Health Issues? No, None that we know of.

Triggers: None that we know of.

Powers/Special Abilities:

He doesn't have many powers but he athletic and can run quick and has a good amount of strength. He uses a bat and other various stuff.

APPEARANCE:

Looks:

Short brown hair, brown eyes, a bit of facial hair, variants of a black or dark grey shirt, but obviously not only those, sometimes they’re ripped.

Hair color: Dark brown, brown.

Eye color: Brown.

Scars: None.

Personality: He is quite intelligent and mature, behaves childishly in front of Emily/Elliot, cold and serious, is kind, polite, protective.

Hobbies and Likes: • playing the guitar

• skate (skateboarding)

• listening to tunes

• spending time with Emily/Elliot.

Dislikes:

• Abusers, people who take advantage of vulnerable people.

• People who are cruel to Emily/Elliot.

Relationships: Bunny - Best friend, soulmate, would do anything to make bunny smile, frequently gets them stuffed toys and food.

EXTRA INFO:

He is a few months older than me in IRL, his age is 19 right now, along with mine but will be updated.

Stephen is a human, and helps take care of Emily (in their child forms.) since they are a child and very vulnerable in that state due to their trauma, when they’re adult they are romantic towards each other.

They work together as a team when bashing and killing abusers. While he uses physical means, Emily uses mental.

Any Other Info is on the Picture.

WATTPAD: https://www.wattpad.com/story/255861941-creepypasta-ocs-emily-elliot-and-stedge

[deathlybetrayal-vt]

We're only warning your girlfriend and the "little friends you have left" (if you even have any lol) about the things you are capable of. You labeled someone you considered an idol a child abuser. You manipulated People. You abused people. you made people uncomfortable. You harrassed people and you also talked shit behind everyone's backs! And don't blame us that we "took away your girlfriend and your only friends left" because it'll be your fault in the end. Stop crying. Grow up. And fuck off.

"Warning my girlfriend and friends because of the things IM CAPABLE OF?"

Listen. Yes I did bad stuff... BUT IT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO HARRASS THEM AND MAKE THEM WORRY ABOUT ME. IT DOESN'T PERIOD. And to be honest. It doesn't Excuse my behavior and I admit full responsibility for what I've done . But I know my intentions the entire time wasn't to be malicious and ruin someone's reputation. (To those who I hurt. Please read this. Please understand I never meant to hurt you but please please let me tell you everything and please just listen.)

I know I manipulated,guilt-tripped,abused and... Made People uncomfortable but did I know I was doing that? I actually didn't know I was. I really didn't. In the beginning. I was friends with Channy, her and I used to RP and like we used to talk all the time sometimes and then it suddenly stopped a bit and I was worried. Did I do something wrong? I even told her before when I became friends with her. To tell me if I'm doing something wrong or making her uncomfortable. She didn't tell me anything and whenever I had a breakdown. I wanted to kill myself and I didn't mean to guilt trip her. I wanted to kill myself because of her, and I said that but... I also said that to others. But really I didn't mean it. I should've said it, but it was because I have so many issues of.... Family abuse and neglection I was clingy to not just her but others I talked to. I was just...very upset. It doesn't Excuse my behavior but at least it explains it. BUT. It wasn't okay of me to do. But also even before I did that shit. once she started to stop talking to me all together and only talk to me once in a blue moon. I was starting to worry. Not about me just y'know making her feel uncomfortable and bad but also I was genuinely worried. I tried talking to her because I wanted to not only fix the friendship. But also be on good and okay terms with her but also because I actually cared about her. I was stupid back then. And I know the many chances or..."chances" I got—Didn't really feel like it. But it led me to actually feeling like I didn't really fix shit at all. It's why I'm so desperate then and even now to actually finally fix shit. I tried so many times. So that maybe I could be close again but not have problems. But also I was impatient but also I felt like I was being left out sometimes. Even when I tried to stick to asks and just posting gifts for her. I felt like I was being ignored. And I started to talk to other people who were friends with her that I also was friends with or became friends with, to get her to talk to me about it and finally sort things out. But I also didn't know I was making people uncomfortable. I kept wondering did I deserve not.to...have the chance to finally sort things out? I even kept asking people. I even kept asking them to tell her I sent her asks and even I made her gifts and posted it on my blog..but I actually really didn't know I was making those people uncomfortable and I didn't know I was being manipulative, abusive, guilt-tripping or even turning people against Channy and I didn't know I was making Channy out to be a child abuser who abused me.

I didn't mean to talk shit about Channy behind her back at all. All I wanted to do was just talk and finally sort things out and I just want to follow her but also her friend's blogs again at least. That's what I want now and still will want. I just felt like I was being unfairly treated. I felt like I was being mistreated. But I NEVER wanted to make people think she was a child abuser. I just wanted to talk. I really did. But the way I behaved...and everything doesn't excuse what I did. But it explained why I behaved that way but it wasn't okay. But all I want now is just a REAL CHANCE

To start over and just be on good terms with them again. I really do. And I wish I can just talk to them privately without getting blocked or even without having people talk to them for me because I WANT to talk to them but how can I if I'm blocked? How can I even? EVEN if I were to make a different account and talk to them like they say I could do but just block me anyway and not allow me to talk? I just want to finally sort things out and follow them all again so that not only me but they can stop getting more backlash from anons because of this drama. This drama I started that I didn't mean to start at all but did it anyway. I didn't mean to start this entire drama. I admit full responsibility for starting it but I just want you all to know it was never my intention to start the drama and it was never my intention to come off the way I did to them. I was just really desperate in wanting to actually talk things out and I still do. I am very sorry for what I've done. I really am. I want forgiveness and another chance. Please. I really want to be forgiven and have another chance because not only do they mean a lot to me but I also want to move on from this drama by resolving and being good with them again.

And I want you guys to read the doc I made that also explains my part of the story even though it may sound like I'm a victim in what I say in the doc. It doesn't mean at all to me about being a victim in this situation. I'm not the victim. I never was. And never will be in this situation. I'm sorry for what I have done but I do want to be forgiven and have another chance. I really do. So please forgive me and give me that chance. I will make sure not to fuck up. I won't. And I promise I won't. The doc will be linked below but. Please know that at least it explains my side of the story but please don't say I'm a victim. Because I'm not. And I have to "grow up" by admitting what I have done.

Document link

But also the things if you guys are confused about me admitting truth to I explain that here also, if you're thinking I was Smolra D. Yes. But I wasn't the REAL Smolra D. I was forced to send mean Anon asks. And that part was actually true. I was actually forced to make an account and act like them. I didn't want to but they had threatened my personal information and had threatened to show explicit stuff about me to the ones I hurt. And. I'm sorry for doing what that scumbag wanted me to do. I am very sorry.

I am very very sorry and I mean it.

I really want to prove to you all that I changed myself for them but also for myself and I want to prove that I have changed and improved. I want another chance and I want forgiveness. If you guys who I hurt are reading this. Please let me prove to you that I actually have changed and then if you really think I have changed then please give me another chance and forgive me. Because that's all I want. I really want another chance and forgiveness from you all and I want to start over and be good with each other.

Please. All of you even the ones I want to fix things with, please forgive me and give me another chance to start over with all of you.

[chappybird]

Everytime someone who is “anti-pedophilia” via fictional ships. I’m reminded of the time I was a v young teen, dating an adult, and the adult plus their friend who called me the abuser in the relationship, were anti-fictional pedophilia, anti-fictional incest, and anti-fictional Rape.

And I was the awful person for enjoying that stuff.

Which is mainly just me kinda saying I find it WILD how you’re getting harassed over this, because you literally feel like the person who would have seen me doing erotic roleplay as a kid, and explained why I shouldn’t. Versus the people who’d condemn me for doing it, and uh, not do shit about the adults because fictional characters are more important.

I want to state I’m now well into my adulthood, and I’ve well learned that’s not acceptable.

But my lord do I get annoyed at anytime I see people go ham defending fictional minors, because I have personal experience of MULTIPLE people like that (not even just with me, but minors I’ve had to defend and pull out of those situations), ending up being complicit in the abuse of, or blaming the abuse of a minor, via their fictional ships, when they’re dating an adult.

It’s a moral panic and absolutely frustrating to watch. Fiction is fiction and explores themes that happen in real life or can’t happen in real life.

Characters are lines on a page. They have 0 rights. That’s kind of the point. Exploratory mediums are great.

And the more the conversation comes up the more I’m angry because this mindset is the reason I can get jail time or a fine for writing a victim of CSA, because the law isn’t nuanced enough to take into consideration if it’s actually “sexualizing” or if it’s written from the experience of someone who went through it.

Considering I’ve actually had people accuse me of such things, I don’t think anyone else is capable of it either.

I am also going to go out on a limb here and say like. Someone writing about characters like Shinji and Kaworu, is not going to get you in trouble the way that people think they will. BUT if you were to write or draw pornographic content about say, a real life minor (for example, that time shadman drew porn of keemstar's daughter) then it'd probably be seen in very different light.

That's because child abusers want to abuse children, and everything they do is an ends to those means. If a pedophile is grooming a minor by rping with them? The point isn't the roleplay. It was never the roleplay. The point was to get the child used to the idea of being sexual with them.

If a child is "dating" an adult and the adult shames them for the fiction they consume? The point is for the child to feel shame so that they are easier to prey upon.

That's why people that are just exploring ageplay or write or draw content of fictional underage characters don't just suddenly become child abusers. The fact is the ones that do were probably always child abusers! But child abusers can be anyone, and they can do multiple things. Many child abusers try to take jobs that put them close to children, such as school bus drivers, teachers, etc. We're not suddenly going to start being suspicious of everyone that wants to be a teacher, just because there is a pattern of child abusers becoming teachers, now are we?

The world is very nuanced and complicated and you can't know anyone's reasons for doing anything. I certainly have my reasons why the characters that I find appealing and I empathize with the most are those specific characters, but I neither wish to explain myself to strangers nor should I have to. What I and many people are doing is a completely victimless action. No children are being abused. If the FBI came to my house (lol) and looked at my computer they would find a bunch of pictures of anime characters. What a waste of time that would be. ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

[danganronpa-21]

Hope you don't mind me asking. I'm just curious. What exactly are your problems with Kiyo (besides him being a killer), Kokichi (besides him being basically a killer), and V3 as a whole?

Honestly, sometimes I forget that my opinions are on public display like that on my Amino/Instagram. Especially the Amino ones, cause those are sort of out of date.

Anyway, thanks for asking this question!

I do want to preface this by saying a little something though: My takes on V3 should not be taken as 100% valid! Why, you may ask? Well... confession time, I haven’t played all V3. At the time it came out, I was harshly disinterested. Rather than experiencing it for myself, I chose to read up on it and learn what happened for myself. I’ve never been someone who’s particularly bothered by spoilers (much to the chagrin of literally everyone I’ve ever known), so I didn’t think anything of it at the time. And when I looked in to it, I didn’t like what I read and thought that it was good that I didn’t bother playing it for myself. I felt this way for a long time, rejecting all V3 things, until eventually I was lovingly bullied in to picking up the game myself. So while there are aspects of V3 I have experienced beyond my readings, it’s not done in full for me at all yet, so there could be several gaps in my knowledge or just my feelings. Please don’t take everything I say as my one and only interpretation, because it’s true that many of the feelings I express in my answer could be subject to change. I recognize that these takes aren’t valid because I haven’t experienced the game in full. It’s the same as when someone criticizes Danganronpa 3 without having seen it themselves: sure, you know how it’s written so you have some thoughts on it... but it’s still best to experience it yourself to formulate your own opinions. That’s what I’m intending to do, but I haven’t gotten around to it fully yet... because it’s an experience I’m hoping to share, if I play my cards right.

Really though, if I am to explain the offences I have at the current level of V3 I am on, I would say that each of these three aspects of V3 are explained… probably more simplistically than one would expect. I see a lot of people who have these in-depth reasons as to why they feel so strongly about a certain aspect of Danganronpa, and while I can be that person sometimes… here, not so much. 

Besides being a killer, honestly Korekiyo just makes me uncomfortable. Like even beyond the incest thing, there’s something about him that absolutely puts me off. I tried watching his Free Time Events to see if I could stir up some love for him, but I found myself making any excuse to stop every five minutes. I can’t say that I like his design or his mannerisms, and his voice actor communicates Korekiyo’s creepiness well… but I couldn’t find it in me to get past to what some people would refer to as the softer, sweeter aspects of Kiyo. Even the anthropologist element couldn’t save Kiyo for me, and I honestly thought it might. I’ve taken a few anthropology classes myself and I think the topic in itself is interesting enough. However, hearing Kiyo talk about it just either felt boring or off-putting, and I can’t say that I one hundred percent know exactly why that I ended up feeling that way. I suppose it’s fair to say that anthropology is a rather broad topic, and that what Kiyo spoke of in his FTEs wasn’t exactly my point of interest. But if you jump away from the anthropological aspect of Korekiyo, I’m with the majority in saying that the incest thing just made me flat out uncomfortable. 

At this point you could absolutely argue that it’s unfair of me to slander Korekiyo for being incesty if another character I love is Kanon Nakajima, a girl who has extreme and obsessive romantic feelings for her first cousin. However, I would justify myself in saying that the primary reason why Kanon works for me and Korekiyo doesn’t all boils down to other aspects of character. Do I think it’s creepy the way Kanon talks about and acts around Leon? Yes, of course. But the thing about Kanon is that she manages to utilize her other traits to become likeable in spite of it. She has all kinds of other quirks and traits that exist outside of being Leon’s creepy cousin who’s in love with him. Her whole presence as a character isn’t for the sake of being chilling, whereas I find much of Korekiyo’s character is to be weird and unnerving. It’s easier to get behind Kanon because I feel like she’s not just madly in love with Leon, but rather has other parts to her existence that are meant to make her realistic outside of it. Korekiyo, while he does have additional character traits, seems to be crafted with the intention of being creepy. 

I also know that at this point some people would want to argue that I’ve judged Korekiyo all wrong because his sister manipulated him into loving her and he’s actually an abuse victim, and I won’t dispute them. Do I agree with them? I can’t say, because the interpretation itself is just that: interpretation. Just because another interpreted it that way doesn’t mean that I will interpret something the same way, and so on and so forth. But even the line between “is Korekiyo an abuse victim or not” is something that puzzles me, because otherwise, the wrong person could boil it down to the question of Korekiyo stooping down to the level of his abusive sister by manipulating and murdering Tenko and Angie (and just to be clear, this question is not something that I personally believe). And even if maybe that seems like a far-fetched interpretation that someone could draw, the suggestion that an abuse victim will turn out like their abuser makes me undeniably frustrated. It would send a message that I don’t feel is appropriate in the slightest, and play in to the fear that many real life abuse victims have. 

All in all, the way Korekiyo was constructed just doesn’t have what I would call the “Koto appeal”. They simply had a different Danganronpa player in mind when they were designing him, and that’s perfectly fine. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with liking Korekiyo, he’s just very far from my cup of tea.

Something like Kokichi, I would say.

Kokichi already gets a hard time from me because honestly… I don’t find I like characters who are just out to make the player’s life harder. It’s not even a “i’m bad at video games” thing, it’s just that I genuinely find myself frustrated with characters like Byakuya and Nagito sometimes because I’m just trying to do my job, how dare you be trying to screw me up, you little shit!

So he’s already got beef with me right there, especially being the one that’s so much more challenging to fight against than the others. The dude’s high jacking entire trials and you just have to sit there with an “I guess this happening” expression as you try to work out the problem. I already play Danganronpa on gentle because something about the game just makes my inner potato brain skyrocket to like 500%, so Kokichi is kind of a pain in the ass for me. Which I get he’s supposed to be, but I don’t like it. 

His character relationships don’t help me, either. While I am fully aware that it’s all an act, the insensitivity is still harmful to the people around him. Yes, he does have this put on for the sake of fulfilling this plan of his and preventing the others from mourning him when he eventually does die. Unfortunately that plan in itself is a problem for me too though, after seeing a fan reconstruction of his plot to avoid the deaths of Gonta and Miu. Which even if it was a necessary sacrifice, makes Kokichi feel slightly more cruel to me -- although I know some may think that it shouldn’t. The behaviour still just sits badly with me, not to mention that even if you consider the inklings of Kokichi being a good guy… I don’t feel as if I can say with confidence really anything about him. Which again falls back on to a personal writing problem with me, because I am entirely an audience who likes to know things. That’s part of the reason why I write fankid fic: because there are things that I like to know that Kodaka will not confirm nor deny for me. So I took matters in to my own hands in hopes of satisfying both myself and others with where things will go. But if I don’t feel like I know Kokichi and my only evidences of him are of him being a jerk, it doesn’t lead me to like him very much.

Which is also what throws me for a loop with Danganronpa V3 as a whole, actually! All of the end revelations got me pretty badly in the sake that I have a vague notion of things that they showed me pregame, but otherwise there’s a lot that the game leaves unanswered. I mean, on the flipside, there’s absolutely evidence that everything we got to see was true… But until I know, I have trouble enjoying V3 totally. 

Plus, it also just contains my least favourite cast. I still like some of them, but there are more that I either don’t like or don’t care about. As you mentioned before, I’m not excited about Korekiyo or Kokichi. And maybe I just don’t know anything about them yet, but I’m not terribly interested in Kirumi, Ryoma, Tenko, or Rantaro. I have a little bit of love for characters like Himiko, Gonta, and Tsumugi. And to be fair, I do like Kaede, Kaito, Kiibo, Miu, Maki, and Shuichi a decent amount. But still, compare that to games like Danganronpa 1 where the only character I actively dislike is Hifumi... then it just comes out as my least favourite. Even with Super Danganronpa 2, I have a sort of dislike-like for characters like Nagito and Kazuichi. I don’t completely dislike them in the same way I do some of the characters in V3. 

Really, though, I know all of this is stuff that I personally think about V3 is subject to change. After awhile of straight up disliking it and refusing to play it like the stubborn child that I am, I do fully intend to commit myself to the game and maybe change some of my opinions along the way. Sure, it’s fine for me to have some of this opinions and ideas based off of what I do know, but ultimately I know it’s something I have to experience for myself for my take on it to be actually valid.

Hopefully if I can work out the things I need to try and work out, you guys might even be able to watch me experience it for the first time... but that all depends on how well my computer can handle running the appropriate programs simultaneously. Fingers crossed, though!

[cosmic-potato-art]

Why wouldn't we ?

Yes I'd date an android, or be friends with one. If we can have close bonds with pets, it mean we can have close bonds with other species, right ? So why not androids, who'd be able to communicate with us way better than our dogs barking at us... X3

The trick is that androids look human, but aren't human. If you can date a droid while remembering that they aren't the same species, yes sure ! If not it could easily become a very toxic relationship.

A lot of serious questions are to be asked (and sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one thinking that much in this fandom (probably not)(but I never see that kinda stuff), but :)

For example, if an android can't harm a human : if one gets into a toxic relationship with a human that hurts them, they couldn't defend themselves ?

(I mean I'm pretty sure you all know how victims in toxic relationships already often *can't* defend themselves, either because they depend on their abuser (financially for example) or because they're guilt trapped in staying with them etc...)(so thinking about being 100% unable to fight back - because of the programming - is SO scary)

Wouldn't a lot of humans be tempted to take advantage of androids ?

Wouldn't androids be statistically in positions of inferiority compared to their human partners ? (Because they would be marginalized in work or public places maybe ?)

What would people say of androids dating androids ? (The "easy choice", 'stay with your own kind'...)

What if someone date an android and have an "android maid" at the same time ? (Seems pretty fucked up to me)

What about android children ? (How can that even EXIST)(Yes I have a huge problem with Alice in DBH like how do you stay all childlike after deviating WTF) What about human children too ? (decreasing child birth ? In every rich country ?)

Would human/androids couples be marginalized ? It's important to remember that in a lot of places it's dangerous/forbidden to be in (and I don't want to exclude enbys and binary trans presenting as the opposite gender as their own, I'm just putting myself in the shoes of *assholes*) a gay relationship, I'm not super optimistic about how *some* people would react if you were to have PDAs with your android partner or s/o...

On the same point : sometimes people are too scared to be in "gay" relationships, or at least they do not have PDAs outside to not get insulted (or attacked)(or killed, you know)... A lot of people actually wouldn't date androids, even if they wanted to because of this, or :

Social pressure. If your family was to be against androids/humans couples (btw I'm sorry I really need to search the polyamory terms because I'm excluding all of you polyamorous and it's not on purpose), would you still date one ?

Some people need the emotional bond they have with their family. Some are bound financially to them.

There also the "f r i e n d s" social pressure. Surrounded by anti-androids friends ? Would you risk being alone at your workplace ? Having no one to go out with ? No one to text at night about your favourite TV show (or if you're sad and insomniac, you know) ?

Idk.

It feels like there should be a serious discussion about this.

And I don't want to think more about this rn 🤔

I'd probably date an android. But I invite you to consider all the aspects of the matter before shouting YES

Or shout YES because you'd date Connor.

YES I WOULD DATE CONNOR WHO WOULDN'T 😭💕

I just still have trouble with :

Doing as if Connor was human.

He's not.

errr yes next question

[lacydrays-blog]

Why don't people just say no to drugs?

So, I read that USA is taking a few good steps attempting to combat opioid abuse. I like the news, generally. But then: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-trump-opioids-sessions/u-s-attorney-general-says-people-should-just-say-no-to-opioids-idUSKBN1CV2ZG And this is why some “liberal/ish” people have no sympathy for “conservative/ish” people u.u Why do people get into drugs when they know it's bad for them?

Why don't people just say no to drugs?

Now, I am not some psychology specialist or anything of the sort. I will say what I say based on what I’ve been reading and observing in my own life. So. Here's one possible reason: People who “do not say no to drugs” are in a terrible position in their life - they are not capable of thinking straight. At that point it’s probably not even in front of them as an option - “should I do this? Should I not do this?” I mean sure - casual users are one story - but people who OD and fall into serious addictive patterns PROBABLY are not getting into this thinking that, “oh well, why the heck not, let’s start doing drugs!” Alright, have you looked around and observed what different kinds of people do when it looks like other people are not listening or believing them? 

You see some people throw a temper tantrum, raise their voice - something of the sort to do their best to deliver their message and "persuade" people. 

You see some kids pick up a gun and mow down a whole classroom or a hall full of people going to a cinema. 

You see some people inflict injuries on themselves, you see some people attempting (and some succeeding) suicide. 

All these people might just have something in common. 

And I think it's the feeling that they need to prove that they are in pain, they need time off, they need support, they need a lucky break, they need to be heard, they need to be understood - yet, people around them completely discard their needs. 

I came to this realization when I was trying to admit myself to a psych hospital when my life was about to fall apart - I felt like I was going to drop out, lose my job, lose my home etc, I felt like there was something very wrong with me and I felt that I needed some time off, help and guidance on understanding how to get my shit back in order.

I wasn't physically ill - so, I couldn't really use this as an excuse to take sick leave. You want time off? Why, you look completely healthy to me. You are having anxiety attacks? Oh many people around you do - the best thing you can do at this point is keep coming to work! 

Mhm. Well, lucky for me - I actually did come down with a very mysterious infection and fever - doctors never figured out where the infection was coming from (and I like to think of this as if the universe gave me a wink by handing me this "visual sickness") - but during the time I was going to the doctor, I did talk about being depressed and suicidal thoughts. 

Now this doctor was nice to me - and dearly - we need more doctors like her - but as I was heading off to the other hospital where they were doing this "mental health issues" stuff - the receptionist looks at me and tells me, "nah, you're completely fine, we admit people who are very mentally fucked up." 

And this shit sparked in my head: 

Do I really have to go and get "very mentally fucked up" in order to get some couselling and help? Do I have to go get a rope and attempt suicide? Is the only way to get my fucking mess in my head fixed by geting wheeled into the hospidal with overdose? 

And I figured that wow, ok, that's it. This is how, possibly, many people DO end up harming, killing and overdosing. To make a statement, to convince, to prove.

 Anyway, I didn't leave the receptionist just yet, I actually went ahead and asked her if this is what I have to do to get admitted? I then proceed to explain to her that my life is falling apart, I'm not sleeping, I'm having suicide plans, I'm going to drop out from my job and my progress - is that not enough? 

I must say I managed to convince her by saying what I said. But I have the feeling that a lot of people do not have it in them to confront older people, severely depressed people might have just walked out from there and gone ahead to prep themselves for departure - feeling they are so beyond use and redemption that not even the psych hospital is willing to help them etc etc. I think the same pattern applies anywhere, really. When certain conditions are met, and the person lacks "smart coping mechanisms" or ideas how to deal with some situations - there is NO moment for them to ask whether they should or should do drugs, or whether they should or shouldn't go take a gun to their school. They are way past the sale at that point. 

Some people throw a temper tantrum in attempts to be heard, and believed. Some people pick up a gun and do something dramatic. Some people attempt (and some succeed) suicide. Some people pick up drugs - because they know it sends a STRONG signal of "beyond all hope, do you believe me now?"

It's not an excuse - and yes I do know that all of the above are a bunch of unhealthy coping mehcanisms.

But that’s the problem - they lack the protocols in their brains to cope healthy.

I too, used to feel for a very long time that the only way I could get some well deserved nurture is when I am in distress. Even all the “art” I made back then was based on that belief.  Maybe it has something to do with how our parents give us attention - maybe the only time my mother attended to me was when I was crying - these patterns, starting from a young age, can develop into serious deficits in managing and understanding pressure later in life. I’m not playing victim here - I eventually got help and I think I have a better grasp of things now. But had I not mysteriously fallen ill in the middle of July 2015 and having a convenient excuse to visit the doc - who knows what kinds of measures I would have undertaken to try and relieve myself from the anxiety, panic and hopelessness I was drowning in. 

So, in that light I'm predicting that when the opioid distribution were to somehow die out - some other kind of dramatic bullshit will be on the rise. Suicides, shootings, bomb threats, rapes, assaults, homicide.

And I bet then some people would regret having cut off the freedom to use weed and such - because dealing with suicides, shootings etc seems to be an even harder task than reaching out to people who have become drug addicts. You can gather drug addicts to needle-refresh kiosks and bait them to free clean heroin, but how do you bait potentially suicidal/homicidal people? Put up kiosk “free ropes and guns!”?

Before our education system doesn't have a solid teaching for behavioral stuff, coping mechanisms, healthy thinking, persuasion - reducing ways for people to "make a statement" can't really be good.

I'm sure my described way isn't the only way people end up in listed activities, but something tells me that a large portion of people DO get into it for that very same idea.

Another way I used to think this could be eased - is when all people become more compassionate and considerate but haha - that's not going to happen. Not just like that. I picked up some buddhism and it felt wonderful and I was thinking why isn’t this thing more wide spread!? Yes, not going to happen. 

So, the only effective way I can come up with is introducing coping techniques, thinking, behaving, persuading into kids educational curriculum - so that they would be exposed to it regardless of their situations at homes. Why wouldn’t it reduce the rate of crimes, drug abuse, violence, suicides? 

Not every child is blessed with parents who give just enough to prepare them for a somewhat successful adulthood. I imagine that’s what separates “conservative” families from “liberals”. 

Consider this, and you'll maybe understand why saying something like, "people should just say no to drugs" achieves absolutely nothing.