#<- doesnt have family and thinks of friends as the only thing ill ever have

[bbqhooligan]

im so unwell im wearing the ring my friend got me. for emotional support. like a corny movie protagonist with his dead wife.

[nomairuins]

had 2 take a break 2 think abt a different one of my princesses. back 2 it

[kidfoundonstreets]

I DONT HAVE THE IMAGES IRGHT NOW BUT YOU UNDETRNSAD?? YOU GET ?? YOLU GET? IM MADLY I NLOV WITH YOU TIWLIGHTRCADE MY GOOD FRIEND MY COMRADEMY RIDE ROD IE

[autisticlee]

having some sort of chronic pain and tiredness issue and joint problems and whatnot but not knowing exactly what the problem is is really good at leading you feeling like you're faking it or making a big deal out of nothing or making it up. especially if there's a good day where it's not as bad and you can walk straight without limping for the first time in a year. but then you can wake up the next day and can barely walk and wonder why you can't just walk normal. it's hard to not guilt trip yourself into dealing with pain by trying to ignore it and force yourself to walk "normal" all the time

[brainjuicey]

sometimes I say something about the intricacies of the world for paragraphs and paragraphs, sometimes out loud for an hour straight, and at the end I realise I might just be searching for myself in it all. maybe we don't need the death of hyper-post-modern conservatism in favour of the death of patriarchy under gender bending extremes supported by mainstream erotica and whimsy, radical social reform with prison abolition and idyllic anarchism. like maybe I just need to get fucked by a really attractive man or woman who makes me feel like sexy big bad wolf with a heart of gold.

[djtommotomlinson]

last november i was in china when my little brother called me and told me to come home. over summer my nan, my mums mum, had passed away before i had managed to get back to see her and my mum, my best friend in the world, had a heart attack soon after. i was with her then. we went to the funeral. she got better. we saw robbie williams live. we went out drinking and to the beach and watched coyote ugly and la la land together, our fave movies.

when my brother called me to tell me mum had cancer i knew it was bad. i lost my best friend to cancer when we were just 16 years old. thats never a good word. but its my mum. and to quote her days after her own mums death 'i always knew one day my mum would die but i never knew she would, like, actually die'.

i knew in the back of my head why i was going home but i didnt believe it. i watched spiderverse for like the third time on the plane. i went to grab my suitcase and laughed when i realised i was at the wrong shanghai - gatwick conveyor belt. who knew there were two at almost the same time.

then my brother, my baby brother, who is 30 next year but was 28 and always our baby brother, called me and my life is never ever going to be the same. i knew the moment he called. and i sat on the floor at gatwick airport shaking and people kept coming over to ask if i was okay and finally my sister and my aunties, my mums sisters, arrived and they were let into the baggage area when they explained and picked me off the floor.

i dont think this is a grief that has settled yet. i was meant to see louis that night. i havent listened to a song by him since despite his music getting me through some of my hardest times. my denial, she'll walk through the door and say this was all a joke, phase went on for months after we planned and executed a funeral and wake on the beach in malta. i made a great playlist, i wrote a great eulogy. i did that but it didnt properly sink in why.

i still, almost a full year on, wake up and think about messaging her to tell her how im feeling and check in on her.

my mum used to send me one direction news she found on facebook every day. harrys got a new album emmy did you know? and i was like no mum wow thank you (of course i already knew). she loved niall and we were going to see him live together. she wasnt a big fan of louis' music but ached for what he'd been through. i woke up the day after hearing about liam expecting a text from her checking in because she got me 1d tickets in 2014 for my 23rd birthday and she brought me merch and the dvd of the movie -

my mum who hated the beatles because they were too mainstream but loved what i loved because i loved it and was passionate about it. god she would have been crushed for me today. she would have been heart broken.

and i think this has hit me like a train not only because everyone who knows me knows how much i loved liam as if he was my own friend, but also because this past year has been so full of grief i dont always know how to get out of bed. my dads mum passed a few months ago. my family are wrecked with it. this past year has been a nightmare we can't get out of.

i always related to liam as someone who was bullied at school and as someone who suffers from mental illness and has suffered from alcoholism, thankfully, for me, something ive managed to come back from and im sober and i always hoped for that for him. its such a hard fucking mountain to climb and i didn't have to deal with the fame side of it and this whole other thing he had to carry. i always wanted him to get better but in the back of my head i had this feeling, i had this fear that i would one day log into tumblr and see the worst.

i still cant, and im sure for a long time won't, believe this real. thats one of my boys. we were very much meant to get old together. i wanted to see him get better. i cant begin to comprehend the fact he wont have that chance. this still doesnt feel real to me man. thats my boy.

just a few days ago I was in a convenience store and they were playing heart meets break and i was jamming and excited to hear my boy in a store. i keep remembering its happened, and i look at the photo on my bedside of me and my mum at the robbie williams concert and i could really do with her right now. a link to a facebook article and her over use of emojis - a shocked and crying face and a broken heart. because what else can express this?

i know i didnt know him but i always had the comfort of knowing of him, of listening to his music and watching his videos and feeling less alone in a cruel and lonely world.

its okay to be a fucking mess, if you can take time out please do. i wish this world allowed more of that. after my mum everyone had to go back to jobs and life and it still blows my mind that i was walking down the street then and today and everything was the same. the world should pause but it doesn't.

at the end of all of this, one day this might settle and make sense but right now it doesnt at all and thats how these things work. i love you all, this is not something i thought we would have to face until we had all grown old and spent all of our money on reunion tickets and seen our boys grow old and live their lives.

give people you love a hug, tell people you love that you care about them, work out problems and differences if you can and make the most of it. you never know how much time you have.

[cowboy-robooty]

PruPan (Prussia x Japan) For the grid

I know who sent this. I can smell your prupan and self-ship wif japan from a mile away **heart eyes emoji** thank you for being the only mf who wants to hear my opinions. anyways so i thought about it and realized actually prussia and japans dynamic is the greatest thing ever. Because see i believe in cuck japan romantically FOREVER. i think japan has like best broship in the platonic dating style (if you experience that shit you know what i mean) with america and like hes emotionally fulfilled from that but also he desperately wants a boyfriend or girlfriend or oysterfriend just anyone to have that shoujo romance and tentacle freak sideways tango with. but the thing is that he literally always fails and is in one-sided crushes Forever and always and its always japan crying to his best bro america about his fail ass love life and america is like lol couldnt be me! but it's fine because he still has his best bro and like yknow... its like how family and friendship is two different things that are both need. like moral orel about the f words (family, faith, friends) but with b. bros, booty, and bazinga... like idubbbz! (as long as you have one of those you won't be lonely). but anyways see i believe japans biggest crush of all is on italy and obviously prussia has his huge ginormous crush on italy too but like i think that actually they are aware of eachothers crushes but dont care because they dont see eachother as threats at all bc theyre like "omg this dude is so cooked he aint even competition lol i feel bad for him" towards eachother.

and i think its actually really funny because see prussia is a desperate motherfucker and honestly not hard to pull at all. like if you have sex with him hes the type who goes "uhmm youre my boyfriend now right?" or if you confess to him hell take your feelings genuinely seriously and think about it and 90% of the time end up saying YES!!! I LIKE YOU TOO!!!!!! and japan is also desperate but he would literally date anybody Except prussia. like it's like how italy will fuck anybody Except Prussia. LIke japan could potentially get together with anybody under the right circumstances except prussia lol even if they were trapped in alkatraz together for 18 years he would never be prussia's prison boyfriend he just doesnt have the capacity to love him. and its really funny because prussia is literally the only mf who has the capacity to feel romantic love towards japan in a twist of horrible fate because japan pissed off cupid in his past life and will never ever fucking win at romance. The only conceivable way is if he asked out prussia but prussia is the only mf he would rather die a virgin with while stranded on an island for 3000 years with than fuck and try to repopulate the planet with yaoi babies. so yeah they compell me a lot in this sense because this is fucking hilarious and amazing and I'd like for them to act pitying to eachother about their crushes on italy bc they're like "mhm mhm yeah you have a chance (lying)" even though they both strapped in the same jigsaw trap lawl. but I dont think i ship them because of what i said above. thank you for sending this though this was some really good shit to think about and i think ill draw them interacting more because this is an incredible discovery.... best discovery since alfred wagner and the tectonic plates !

[mako-neexu]

[own interpretation/only for those who can forgive]

daddy kink jokes and getting "dad-zoned" aside, dantes does have a reasonable explanation for the behavior and stance. and maybe thats why i like writing it so much into my fanfics. i dont understand why people dislike this... (is it because of pseudo-incest??? age gap???) but i like it so ill make a post with my thoughts. cut below

because it does come back to the original novel, where when he was incarcerated, his betrothed was stolen away from him and married another bc of pressure, his father believed in him until the end but died without ever seeing his son again... and then there is the Abbe, whom was also his 'fate' and had treated him like a son. so i really get that Abbe Faria who was his light and guide during his time alive would be tremendous inspiration and hope to his heart that has tasted the bowels of despair. coupled with studying under the old man, there was no doubt he truly picked up a lot of things from the Abbe... but also as he is his own person, dantes became a demon of vengeance, one who is compassionate and understanding as well towards victims of circuimstance and highly advocates for determination and personal retribution when wronged.

now, towards fujimaru ritsuka - constantly told to us by the narrative to be the Avenger, Count of Monte Cristo's fate, star, light, accomplice, and "one and only" - his care for them is highly overprotective and selfless that it ultimately becomes selfish and "evil" because it is at the cost of someone else's blood spilled for their sake. he feels like an overprotective father because that is one of the roles he took upon himself... or rather, what you could consider as "canon" if you aren't including romantic implications. (after all, there is that significant age gap that leads many people to simply think that he is a "partner in crime" (platonic) / "older brother" or best friend / "dad" type if the romantic implication isn't preferred by the player....)

but because in prison tower, guda saved him by letting him be their "Abbe Faria" combined with how their soul is and just how guda thinks of him and treats him, the kind of love he has for Fujimaru Ritsuka, grown further overtime, is a kind of madness where you can call it "poisonous". both to him and guda... because if you also think about it, dantes is far more dangerous than any outer god trying to invade their body and destroy the world theyre living in considering dantes in the waste pit and the amount of things sakurai hinted...

one of the factors that also contribute to dantes "dad-zoning" (not really) guda is because guda's family was basically massacred so i think he wants to ease the pain a little bit by being the 'father' in the fake tokyo for them because he cant recreate people guda barely remembers/or isnt in the surface on the bleached earth considering everyone is inside chaldeas, but also being the vengeance demon FROM the book, he doesnt know how to act in any other way other than being the man that was thrown into prison, met the Abbe, and escaped alive. the novel is what the world remembers so those parts of himself that was the "Avenger" was engraved unto the world. in order to help guda, the only way he could do it was through an Avenger like him would. and the man who was saved that is Edmond Dantes's hope and fate- his inspiration is Abbe Faria, whom saw him as a son... and guided him like a light. because with that desire to guide as a light the same way dantes was saved, he put himself into the father role due to how strong his feelings are for fujimaru ritsuka.

even towards haydee, she was constantly referred to as a 'child' throughout the novel because of the age difference until haydee really pressed on and told dantes she loves him romantically. so even to haydee, he felt like a parental figure first even with the master-servant relationship (a time where he can finally have things in control and do what he must to protect those he loves) and to abbe faria, he felt like a friend and a son to the priest (a time where he needed guidance and knowledge) and combined with his personal experiences, he wants what is best for his accomplice.......so i think its really understandable why he would be so close to an "overprotective father" to guda.

its a tough kind of love, but also, so overwhelmingly sweet. where if you struggle and do your best, you will be greatly rewarded no matter what. but if there are factors beyond you that even you cant do, dantes, no matter how incomprehensible and unreasonable he may be, is there to be the fire that will pave your path clear. just as long as you yourself walk it and let him guide you through it. very much like a father...

[usoppinggg]

(hiiii sorry in advance if this is uhhh hard to understand? im not great at putting it into words lol,,,,)

i saw the post abt re-reading syrup village arc and it made me eager to re-read it myself and like i finished it a few hours ago and. i dont think im ever gonna get over the extremely obvious tones of like. priviledge and how it effects different ppl and how sumtimes it effects how you see other ppl and who your more willing to trust (yes this is in regards to kaya)

BECUASE. AUGH. the slap....... the moment kaya slaps usopp........... after EVERYTHING after he goes to see her day after day and makes her smile and proves again and again all he wants is to see her happy and be her friend and use his lies to weave interesting stories and be remembered. and it doesnt matter because kaya believed kuro (a privileged rich white person like her) over usopp (an under-privileged poc who was widely looked down upon in the community) OUGHHH. OUGHH..... ill never get over it,,,,,,,,,,,,, like i understand she came around in the end BUT THE IMPLICATIONS,,, THE WAY IT ALL GOES DOWN. idk maybe im just insane and projecting but its soooo fuckin. it speaks so much and it makes me just. so sad and angry and i hate her but i love her also (hate that she did that, love her generally lol). anyways i rlly love the syrup village arc it makes me fucking insane and i hope you have an amazing day<333333

Thank you for this because even before that post came on my dash I was thinking about how mad I was that all of Usopp's friends on Syrup were so quick to turn on him!

It's funny though because like, undercover Kuro doesn't even have (his own) privilege. Before his secret came out, Kuro had nothing. He ended up on Syrup with nothing but his fabricated sob story. Any and all privilege he may have had was granted to him by Kaya and her family when they took him in and hired him, and he was able to build his reputation because of that.

His image as a polite, responsible, well-off butler was juxtaposed with Usopp's reputation as a poor, trouble-making orphan. Kuro continued to sew seeds of doubt in Kaya's mind regarding Usopp's bad influence on her, which I think is what ultimately led Kaya to doubt Usopp during that dire moment.

I try to give Kaya the benefit of the doubt when it comes to her betrayal of Usopp because she was young, depressed, and manipulated, but I find it very difficult to do so. We know that Kaya has fond memories of Kuro and they presumably spent a lot of time together as he cared for her. But still, I can't imagine how that relationship could've been more important to her than her relationship with Usopp.

Usopp is her age and (as far as we know) her only friend! He came by day after day to tell her stories to lift her spirits! She was literally worrying herself into sickness, so Usopp's stories prevented her from getting even sicker. She even argued with Kuro when he spoke poorly of Usopp when she wanted him to visit! All of this points to their close friendship, and yet she was so quick to assume the worst of him when Usopp was trying to warn her of Kuro's plan to kill her. She was so angry that she slapped him. It's so unfathomable to me even now, and I remember how upset I was the first time I saw that scene. (She was able to slap Usopp when she thought he lied but was unable to shoot Kuro when her life was in immediate danger. I always found that interesting.)

Ultimately, I know that Kaya initially taking Kuro's side was all for the ~drama~ but as an Usopp stan, I can't help but be upset at her on his behalf. We all know that most of Usopp's "lies" are actually his dreams or are simply stories where he is the main character. He doesn't lie about important things. I think it's safe to assume that Kaya knew this given how long they'd been friends, and yet...........!

I'm sure that having Kaya (and the Veggie Pirates) disbelieve Usopp despite knowing him for so long was set up to contrast the way that Luffy and the others instantly knew what his plan was. But at the surface level, yeah, it just seems like Kaya valued the opinion of her privileged, fair-skinned butler over the words of her poor, dark-skinned friend, and it's so, so upsetting.

You said it well, I love Kaya, but I hate how she treated Usopp in this moment. The Syrup Village arc also makes me Insane so thank you for giving me a chance to ramble about it!

Feel free to hit up my inbox about any other One Piece thoughts, especially when Usopp is involved <3

[silly-little-soul]

SDV Highschool AU

A/N - in celebration of my graduation today!!

Very rushed and not formatted properly cause I’m at prom rn and writing this on my phone I’ll fix it later but like i wanted to post sth for the occassion

-

Summary: sdv highschool au, the ones under the +++ are x reader

Characters: Harvey, Shane, Elliot, Haley (cause theyre my favs to write for)

Warnings: drug mention

~~~~~~~~~~~

HARVEY

- Big nerd

- He’s planning to study medicine so of course he puts accordingly much effort

- Awkward as fuck icl

- Everyone lowkey loves him cause he’s always really helpful

- Aka almost the entire class just copies his homework

- Lives off coffee in every life and scenario

- (One of the) best in class and beloved by the teachers but not annoying about it

- If y’all wanna act like there wasn’t any homework in front of the teacher cause no one did it (except him ofc bcs NERD) he’ll totally play along

- Which is probably why the whole reason it worked

- Some ppl def have a crush on him

- But he’s just so awkward and oblivious… I love him

- Also not rlly into the kind of dating that’s most common among teens? Does that make sense??

+++

- So for you, let’s say you’ve been his friend since forever, best friends perhaps

- He’s had a crush on you so long but has like no idea how to go about it

- And you think he’s not interested cause he has friendzoned you so hard multiple times before

- It was a panic reaction don’t blame him

- I can picture you coming together at sone school dance and it’s like really cliche

- I’ll make these longer later I’m sorry

-

SHANE

- stoner

- Like sorry but

- Maybe it’s my Connor Murphy obsession or maybe I’m right

- I’m basing this v much on mentally ill Shane ik that backstory only semi much works with a highschool setting but we dont rlly know abt pre mental illness shane so

- Generally not bad at school he just has intense down phases where he completely falls behind (relatable)

- Works at some fast food chain and hates it but yk money is money

- No one ever shows up for parent teacher talks bcs he doesnt want the school to know about his family and his family about school yk

- Quiet most of the time

- Mean when talked to

+++

- But also like he doesn’t rlly mean it with some people you just gotta po ker if he does for you and talk to him

- Good news: you’re very much an exception

- Phew

- I’m thinking forced project or something

- No actually I’m thinking one of you is the others dealer

- Probs starting as a kinda fwb thing that becomes serious

- There’s sm potential here icl

- I’m gonna rewrite all of this next week and get more into it

-

ELLIOT

- The weirdest kid in the grade but beloved by all

- Writes a lot, probably started a club that’s related to that somehow

- Wins a lot of those lil writing competitions schools do

- A romantic, hands out flowers or something to people on Valentine’s

- Like super mysterious and no one can tell if he does it on purpose or if it just kinda is like that

- Def has some ppl crushing on him

- Has been ppls secret admirer before

- Except it’s not rlly secret bcs who else would do allat

+++

- So when he falls for you it’s like that too

- You get mysterious letters and flowers from an admirer

- Except it’s not mysterious bcs Elliot everyone knows no one else does that!!!

- You pretend not to realize a while tho cause it’s sweet

- And then after a but you just give him a secret admirer letter back

- Even if it’s not quite as poetic as his

- He appreciates it sm cause it’s so rare people match his energy

- You’re couple goals but also lowkey make ppl sick with all your sap

-

HALEY

- Pretty popular

- She’s very confident and can be a bit brash so you might get the idea she’s a typical mean girl but she’s actually pretty sweet

- Especially with the girls

- You might get a comment about your messy makeup but best believe she’s fixing it up for you

- Girl in trouble? She’s right there without hesitation

- Has told so many of the guys off before for harassing girls or not taking a hint

- She’s a guardian angle ngl

- A whole bunch of people having a crush on her and it’s getting kinda rough

- If the person is respectful she’s really nice in rejecting them (or at least tries), she was mean about it like once and felt so bad after

- She knows she comes off as pretty harsh and it’s not always intentional yk

+++

- You probably meet through extra activities i forgot the name

- She gets a crush p quickly but like y’all wait till you rlly know you work as a duo before you dare ask her out

- Like you wanna have sth behind your question and what you say yk

- Okay i gotta stop writing but !!!!!! will fix this up and write more next week

- Also send requests or fandom talk please and thank you

[endeavorsbiggesthater]

Dabi headcanons

ooc post moment?? yeah fuck it- yall asked and i shall deliver some dabi headcanons- ill tell you which ones are canon for this blog as not all of them are. if you dont like any of these headcanons i dont care- (i do but shhh) just dont bring it up- ANYWAYS ONTO THE HCS

Dabi runs hot, i dont give a shit what people say his body runs hot and its absolute torture for him, using his quirk makes this so much worse and he often gets dizzy when he reaches a certain point (not me projecting onto dabi a bit shhh) canon to the blog

He's bad at relationships- he doesnt really know how to act in them and so will often mess up or just not know what to say.. his way of showing affection most of the time is through helping the person is his own fucked up way, and a lot of the time it involves murder or arson because thats all he really knows how to do in terms of helping. canon to the blog

He doesnt ever really flirt with people in a non joking way, he'll do it for laughs sure but when it comes to actually flirting he just cant for some reason- if anyone does take his joking seriously he will just sorta go along with it tho. canon to the blog

He's had several hookups in the past but he always cut things off before it could have any emotion involved as he wasnt looking for anything serious at the time. did he kill at least one person because of this? maybe :D canon to the blog

Dabi is terrified of end up like endeavor when it comes to relationships and taking care of people, its why hes bad at them and acts like a disaster as the only frame of reference he has for that stuff is his dad. the last thing he wants to do is make his partner cry or be afraid of him even if he acts like hes super dangerous. canon to the blog

Its not so much a crush but dabi absolutely thinks shiggy is hot once he stops wearing the hand on his face all the time, and he will drive the man insane with the shit he'd say. semi-canon to the blog

He doesnt consider most of the league his family, more he considers them his friends, the only exception for this is toga who he absolutely views as a sister. canon to the blog

If he did manage to kill endeavor he wouldnt know what to do with his life, while he acts like it would just fix things and be the best he knows deep down that he would just feel empty without something to hate and obsess over so deeply.. canon to the blog

He wants to fix things with the rest of his family, especially shoto, however he doesnt know how to bring things up or even where to start. canon to the blog

One night stands are something he's way more comfortable with, relationships are just weird for him and theres too many emotions which he hates, but he likes feeling like someone actually needs him for something, even if its not really anything personal. non canon to the blog

ALRIGHT- those are some bigger ones about how he acts- now for a list of random small ones- all of which are canon

he could have stitched his skin together, he just thought staples looked cooler and fit him more

he isnt a huge fan of animals, but he likes cats more than dogs

his quirk doesnt have an official name, however he calls it cremation

he gets drunk as fuck with twice all the time, the two are drinking buddies and it always ends in some dumb shit

there are a lot of pictures of his family that he keeps in his room, all the ones that have endeavor in them hes been burnt out

while he has good control over his quirk most of the time that absolutely goes out the window when hes feeling anything strong, even if hes laughing too hard he can slightly start smoking

he will go along with stupid shit toga suggests to make her happy

giran has had to get him so many new costumes since he keeps burning them

hes killed far more than 30 people, the 30 is just for innocent people, he doesnt consider heroes nor other villains as innocent, so the real number is much higher

he still feels guilty for killing those children from the hospital he woke up in, they never asked to be there after all

the nomu he used in the forest training camp was partly designed by him, he was the one who asked for all the blades and stuff on it

hes dyed his hair many colors before until he settled on consistently dying it black

homura and natsuo are his favorite siblings

when fuyumi was first learning to cook hed refuse to eat the food she made

he may act like hes just annoyed that the other league members got hurt because it makes his plan harder but in reality hes worried for them and will want to hurt anyone who will hurt them

and finally! he cant taste things super well because his tongue is stapled together, however he can still taste enough to enjoy food

[simplygyuu]

Nouvelle Crown : 23 - Under the Streetlights

synopsis : choi beomgyu, the second prince of the royal choi family doesnt have much of a life outside of his duties. even then hes not allowed to do much, his brother is the crown prince after all. but when he meets you, a regular commoner girl, through his brothers friend soobin he cant help but be intrigued. commoner life is so different from what he knows and you are the only person to treat him like the normal teenager he always longed to be. with you he gets to experience the normal, teenager life behind the backs of his overbearing family.

the two of you sat quietly at the bus stop where you had truly hung out for the first time, happily chatting. beomgyu wasnt supposed to be out, but he didnt care. he needed to see you. plus, he knew yeonjun had his back now.

the crickets chirped and the only light was from the yellow streetlights. there were no people walking around, not this late at night at least. you were completely alone.

"y/n?" you hear beomgyu say and turn to face him when hes already looking at you. theres a small smile on his face, one you can't really decipher. its not his usually shy smile nor is it his mischievous wide one. its too dark to see any of the red color on his face but youre assuming its there. hes been blushing the whole night after all. you softly hum in response, head tilting a bit.

"thank you so much for.. everything." he suddenly begins, turning to almost fully face you. "i..i never knew what it was like to live before i met you. everyday i looked forward to texting you or finding a way to hang out, you fill my mind 24/7," he then nervously chuckles and there, you see his shy smile as he glances away. "i just love you so much... i hope you dont think this is too soon its just, ive never felt like this before. ever. and i want to tell you as often as i can that i love you and you changed my life for the better."

beomgyu almost glows in the dim light, his hair lightly blowing in the wind. you can imagine the blush on his cheeks and you can see the way he slightly gnaws on his bottom lip. his eyes flicker around, landing on you then the grass then his hands and then the cycle repeats. god, you really like him dont you?

without responding to him you tap his cheek to get his eyes on you again. his cheek is warm to the touch as he turns to you and thats when you lean in a bit. its a slow thing as you give him the chance to move, the chance to back away, yet he does the complete opposite. despite his lack of experience he closes the gap between your lips.

the kiss is slow and gentle, just full of love. so, so much love. its not rushed or messy, its not needy or careless. no its romantic, loving, and just so beautiful. beomgyus hand hovers over your waist for a second before he finally places his hand down on your waist and pulls you the slightest bit closer, melting like putty into the kiss. it lasts for a few long seconds but easily feels like an eternity. you could kiss beomgyu for hours if you had the chance to.

you end up breaking the kiss and beomgyu leans his forehead against yours and smiles, eyes crinkling happily. you cant help but giggle softly and he quickly follows suit with a round of chuckles. you lean forward to give him one little peck on the cheek, your mouth hurting from how much you've smiled tonight.

"i love you too, beomgyu. i love you so much"

--------------------------------------------------------------

previous masterlist next

notes : IM SEEING TXT TODAY!!! im so excited and rlly wanted to get this out... AAA IM SO HAPPY IVE BEEN WAITING FOR YEARS TO SEE THEM IN CONCERT!!! anyways IM HOLDING MY PROMISE OF TRYING HARDER TO UPDATE! school ends at the end of next week, so ill only have work and this to do :)

reblogs and replies are really really appreciated and keep me motivated!!

taglist (open) : @mazeinthemoon @pokyloky @run2seob @bluebearybeom @wonioml @rikismiel @yumilovesloona @captivq @soobin-chois @thisisnotjacinta @silvsie @sullystraw @luvsoobs @ddeonudepressions @woncheecks @ioszzn @dudufodd @jaeminanklelicker @strawbrinkofdeath @softcabur @luvsooby @ilovewonyo @kaewonie @sugar5 @itzxvaxella @il0vebeomgyu @angelbythewindow @gyuville @myknifeyourlife @sandhyaaa-aa @beomiebears @vocaloshin @streeete

send me an ask or message to be added to the taglist! i dont add from replies :)

[pixlokita]

im with you, i hate that it feels like its gregory vs cassie in the fandom rn. theyre KIDS.

i also dont think its gregory in the main(?) ending (there are so many things that make it not make sense for it to be him), and it bothers me so much that people are pouncing on “gregory is evil” - he is a CHILD.

i really hope people dont pester you about drawing them as friends, i personally would love some art from you with them being friends <3 as much as i am a fan of the angst potential of that ending, cassie being tricked by the mimic (grimic? is that actually the canon name..?) one last time to pit her against gregory when really neither side did anything wrong is far moe interesting in concept than “gregorys just evil” could ever be imo.

i personally love feral/menace gregory, but hes not evil - again, hes a kid! and hes been in terrible circumstances! im not sure i could even really be mad if that WAS him in the elevator - a genuinely terrifying threat was released, and he might not be able to trust cassies voice, just like she couldnt trust his. we know cassie was okay, that the mimic wasnt with her (well, aside from the arm), but gregory had no way of knowing any of that.

seemingly, hes with vanessa and freddy. if he risked it and it WAS the mimic and not cassie, he could lose everything and more all over again. i cant imagine being a kid having to make such an awful decision. keep your current family safe, or risk everything in case your best friend somehow made it?

he knows how dangerous the plex is. and i can only imagine how much more dangerous hed expect it to be now. he barely made it out with freddys help, and as far as he knows, cassie doesnt have someone there to help her.

i feel so bad for gregory, both in-game, and in the fandom! he doesnt deserve all this hate.

sorry, that wasnt supposed to be a tangent - my point is im a gregory defender and 100% on your side. i hope no one is a prick about you drawing cassie and gregory as friends. ill personally fight them for u pix i promise

I agree with a lot of what you said tbh and heck dude Gregory is indeed a child, he’s even had to do things he didn’t want to do and got the short end of the stick every time. Cassie is a bean also, like she didn’t deserve to be tricked she didn’t deserve to be traumatized and she didn’t deserve to also get the short end of the stick either. It’s just I just really can’t accept that Gregory would do that to her either and ? If I’m wrong then okay? But like that’s just what I chose to believe and what I chose to draw I don’t get why people have to prove me wrong about it or pull lore nonsense into it to make sure I feel like I’m wrong. I mean =w= even retorting to insults like we’re in kindergarten is just ridiculous?Plus other people being stupid made me give up on interacting with anyone on that particular art piece. I felt like the end of ruin wasn’t satisfying so I drew art to feel better and try to understand it better and people took it personally =w= very mature honestly, they could just make their own art and leave mine alone.

[finnyphcntom]

notorious.

--------

Chapter One : The Word Hate

--------

Did he over exaggerate? Yes. But something inside of him just.. felt weird when Dandelion was shamed upon. Geralt wasn't that bad of a dude, especially to Dandelion.

Lambert hated to say- yes, hated, that word again. He hated that he actually enjoyed Dandelion's presence.

--------

'+1 xxx-xxx-xxxx : oh but id lovee to convince you. maybe we can get a lil tipsy and ill go home with you, yeah handsome? ;)'

--------

Lambert was... notoriously known, for many things. What things? Well, the list is long, but here is the simplified version;

Being a bitch.

And then there was... well, thats about it.

He hated, hated, just about... Well, all? Of Geralts friends. Eskel would always say, "hate is such a strong word,"

Well no shit. He knew that, used it for a reason.

Speaking of hate, he hates when they hang out.

He was rather tired of everyone hanging out without inviting him. Yeah, he'd decline with a 'fuck no' or 'i hate triss lol' but, hell, he still wants at least an invite.

But no one bothered to invite him anymore.

They act like he doesnt know, isnt aware, of these events. Hes heard them talk, all because hes 'too angsty.'

Be real. If they had an Aiden, and then said Aiden died, theyd he angsty too.

Which, he will say, Geralt does have his Aiden.

Dandelion.

Lambert hated to say- yes, hated, that word again. He hated that he actually enjoyed Dandelion's presence.

And do you know what he hates even more?

That hes jealous.

He hates that he's jealous, and hates that he doesnt know what over.

Over Geralt? Maybe.

Over Dandelion? Maybe.

The fact that Dandelion gets invited to hangouts? Maybe.

Oooor the fact that Geralt, who treats Dandelion like shit, gets to keep his best friend. And he doesnt. Bingo, baby.

Well, okay, maybe it was a mix of all four.

But no, he heard of this party that was happening at Yennefer's house. How could he not? Kiera informed him alllll about it.

And another thing he was known for; not only being a bitch, but a petty one at that.

He was going to show up at that damn party.

~~~~~~

Lambert expected many things in his day. To fold clothes, deal with shitty customers, fold clothes again, to fix registers because somehow no one else knew how to do that, and then to again, you guessed it, fold clothes. Oh, and deal with shitty customers.

And then, he would go home around 3pm, just to clean horse shit and feed the goats on the farm. Only sometimes would he find holes in his perfectly good jeans.

But what he didnt expect? His phone to light up with a text. Ever since losing his girlfriend, he hasnt had a single text, other than from Eskel.

Eskel was a family man. Soft, sympathetic. He thinks he would have a little bit more trouble lying and hiding stuff behind his back. He thinks any of these people who are hosting these parties, throwing the- his phone dings again.

Oh, right. He was so used to a lonely phone that he forgot it went off.

'+1 xxx-xxx-xxxx : hey lambert, i know we dont really talk but what time is that party tomorrow? ive got a performance that day and want to arrange an uber ^-^'

Holy fucking shit? It had to be Dandelion. No one else in the group was talented enough with music to perform it.

'+1 xxx-xxx-xxxx : also!! how come u never go? :('

That was the second message.

Did Dandelion not know?

What does he do? He hated to say that his heart was racing. Why was his heart racing? It was just Dandelion. Just a rising celebrity with like seven degrees- from Oxenfurt no less- and his brothers best friend.

His heart was fucking racing. Does he be cool? Does he be mysterious? Should he even answer?

No, no he had to answer.

The few times hes talked to Dandelion have been.. amazing, actually. Of course, Dandelion had an issue with talking to strangers, and also, well, sleeping with strangers, but that was fine. Lambert felt like Dandelion enjoyed talking to, well...

Lambert.

Not Geralts brother, not a bitch (which he will admit he is,) not a depressed, angsty man who practically lives in his room at the farm he grew up on. Which he was.

His phone dings again. Shit.

Lambert grabs his phone off of his car mount this time, sitting in the parking lot of his shitty retail job at Cavill's Combat.

'+1 xxx-xxx-xxxx : oh shit my bad i probably shouldve clarified. this is dandelion im sorry'

Be chill Lambert.

'lambert : heyy yeah no youre good lol'

The multiple y's were cool? Right? Showed he was calm. One Y was boring, three was excessive. Right?

'lambert : as for the party, i have no clue thats a geralt question.'

He decides not to answer the second question. For now.

He puts his phone back on the mount and his car in drive, pretending like he didn't flinch at the sound of the bluetooth connecting.

His phone dings again, and he cant answer, but he does peak at the message.

'+1 xxx-xxx-xxxx : well i wou .. geral ... mad ... ignoring me ...'

That was all he could see for now. Quit frankly, that was all he needed to see.

Did Geralt ignore Dandelion whenever he was mad?

My brain was shut off upon hearing the first Hollywood Undead song start.

~~~~~

When I arrived home, I was bombarded with questions. Eskel was that type of man.

"How was your day at work?" He said from the kitchen, where Lambert was trying to sneak on by.

"Long." Lambert said. "Henry wasnt there."

His boss. Whenever Henry was gone, Lambert had to pick up all the shit- as an assistant store manager.

"Didnt have to fix anything today though, right?" Eskel said.

What a fake fucking bitch, Lambert thought.

"So... do you want me to fix you something to eat?"

He heard it, but didnt register it.

Being the odd one out was quite the funny thing. He lost his best, childhood friend of 14 years in his sophomore year of college to suicide.

He drops out of said college. Decides to start therapy; ends up getting sent to a psych ward.

And now hes working at some shitty fucking retail job; and still working at his adoptive fathers farm.

Yeah, life was fucking great. A ball of fucking sunshine.

Eskel was a doctor. Geralt was a successful Butcher, working under their adoptive father.

And he was a depressed man with a shitty retail job.

"Hello? Lambert?"

Without thinking, Lambert grabs the nearest item which just so happened to be a decorative vase, squeezing it tightly...

"How are things since you ended it with Kiera?"

and throws it.

Right at Eskel.

He's rather lucky it misses. Shatters all over the ground instead of on Eskel's mass.

"You're fake. Did you know that? You're a liar. You're a fraud. Stop with the fake fucking persona that you care about me."

And with that, he has no choice to storm away.

~~~~~

In his room, hes able to check his phone again. The text from Dandelion was sitting there, menacingly.

'lambert : does geralt always ignore u when hes mad at u?'

With how busy Dandelion was, you werent expecting an immediate response.

But you get one.

'+1 xxx-xxx-xxxx : typixally he tellsme to fuck off and rhats how i know hes mas at me'

'+1 xxx-xxx-xxxx : u should go :( ive never seen u there, i know u dont like me'

'+1 xxx-xxx-xxxx : but i got a few tricks up my sleeve to convince u too ;)'

It takes Lambert a bit to decipher Dandelions absolutely awful typing. For a man with an english degree, he is sure as hell bad at English.

Lambert kept reading the, 'i know u dont like me.'

Who the fuck told Dandelion that? Because Lambert has never, not once, discussed any sort of dislike for Dandelion.

If anything, Lambert actively defends his name. He remembers all the times Geralt spoke about ignoring Dandelion, called Dandelion annoying.

Lambert would always stick up for him.

Were there any good reasons why? He had a bunch, personally.

One, and the biggest reason, was that Lambert would kill in cold blood to be able to talk to his best friend again.

Two, is that Dandelion was a good person with good morals. And incredible talent. Dandelion deserved love and praise, not hate from his closest friend.

Three, he was oddly drawn to Dandelion. He didn't know why.

Did he over exaggerate? Yes. But something inside of him just.. felt weird when Dandelion was shamed upon. Geralt wasn't that bad of a dude, especially to Dandelion.

But it's common decency not to talk shit about your best friend when the person you're talking to lost theirs to suicide.

Kind of inconsiderate, Geralt.

'lambert : lol who told you that? i like you'

He suspects it was Triss. Maybe Yennefer had assumed? Lambert didnt really like anyone, it was a safe assumption. But Geralt knew- knew Lambert actually at least tolerated Dandelions presence.

He even told Geralt that he wanted to be Dandelion's friend. That Dandelion reminded him of Aiden. He opened up to Geralt, surely his own family wouldn't do him dirty like that?

Dandelion didnt answer, and Lambert didnt know why, but it disapointed him.

'lambert : i gotta know what those tricks are though, care if i ask for a little more convincing? ;)'

Lambert was going to shit his pants.

First, he double texts. Which is fine, because Dandelion like... quadruple texts. But then he had to hit on the man.

It was playful, right? It wasn't gay. Playful. A game.

Why was his heart racing again?

He was straight anyway.

~~~~~~

Eskel was full of concern at the dinner table when Lambert didnt show up. There sat Geralt and Vesemir, but Lamberts seat was eerily just.. empty.

"Lambert skipped his farm work today," Vesemir said, taking a bite of his mashed potatoes, before grabbing salt and shaking what seemed to be half the bottle in it. Taking another bite, he seemed satisfied.

"He didnt respond to my texts at all. Read every single one, too." Eskel said. "And he..."

Eskel did not want to throw Lambert under the bus. Not when it seemed something was seriously wrong.

"I had to pick up his fucking slack," Geralt said. "Seriously, this kid needs to grow up. We all work in jobs we don't like. I don't like slaughtering pigs and looking at blood, and I'm sure that Eskel doesn't like performing surgery. But we aren't babies about it."

Geralt was chewing into his food like a rabid animal, clearly angry. The steak that was on his plate was massacred, cut up and stabbed.

The walls at Kaer Morhen were pretty thin. The farm itself was nice, but the house wasn't in the perfect condition. It was pretty, but old, some of the rooms half-finished.

Therefore none of the men were surprised or so much as even flinched when Lambert yelled, seemingly speaking to his T.V screen and taking his anger out on Overwatch.

90% of Lambert's free time was spent on video games. It used to be with his girlfriend, Kiera, but she slowly started avoiding him.

He hardly noticed the change. It was gradual; slow, but eventually he caught on. She wasn't the same.

For his own sake, he left her. He will admit, he loved her, but it wasn't hard. She messaged him once every few days.

"He broke up with Kiera, Geralt." Eskel says. "And now hes having a rough time. Maybe we should cut him some slack."

"Don't really care. Shouldn't of been as toxic as he was." Geralt said.

"We should try to understand Lambert. He comes before a girl, Geralt. Put those events with her aside, it's clearly driving a wedge between the three of you."

They could hear Lambert; which means Lambert could hear them.

Toxic? That was funny. He devoted everything to that girl. She ran a small business he would fund- which typically took his full paycheck from Vesemir. Other than that, she didn't really work. He paid for everything.

Toxic was funny.

"Lambert was too much stress on her. Shes a girlfriend, not a therapist. Girls don't like emotional guys, I cant help that." Geralt says, sharply and angrily.

"Lambert hardly talks about emotions." Eskel corrects.

"Sure as hell corrects me all the damn time about them. Sick of him calling me ungrateful and shit. I cant control his losses." Geralt said, with a tone that ended the conversation there.

~~~~~~

Toxic was funny. Really, really funny. Was it toxic to correct your brother on his own toxic behavior?

Lambert didn't understand.

Geralt. A man who ran everything in his life with his dick, not his brain. Who cheated on women, who verbally abused his friends. Who ignores his so called "best friend" because he's mad.

Thats actually not really that bad, but whatever. Lambert was mad, and petty, and wondering why Dandelion hadn't answered him.

Why was he thinking of that? Not okay, Lambert. He's busy. Probably recording music and getting yelled at by his directors.

Toxic was funny, when Lambert was so loyal. When Lambert tried his best to fit in, he just genuinely never did.

Toxic was so, so funny.

His mind ran off, to a different place, one where theres grass and tulips and roses and fuck- Dandelions.

Dandelion.

Would Dandelion prioritize Lambert over Geralt? Sure, they'd talk. But when he's mad at Geralt. When Geralt's not around. He would be a rebound for a best friend.

Just like he was to Kiera.

He had just won a match when his phone dinged and lit up three times.

'+1 xxx-xxx-xxxx : hi ! sorry had to finish up recording a song for my album. stupid director :(

'+1 xxx-xxx-xxxx : oh but id lovee to convince you. maybe we can get a lil tipsy and ill go home with you, yeah handsome? ;)'

Lambert was kicking his feet, giggling, and squealing like a high school girl. Well, his face was stoic, but mentally he was there. Mentally he was going insane.

He had never been hit on deliberately like that. Like stated before, he was the odd one out. With Geralt and Eskel his brothers, he was known as the ugly one of the family.

He was surprised when Kiera wanted him. Him, out of the three. He had made the move, god forbid a woman make a move on him. But she still accepted- still chose him.

She used to fuck with Geralt a couple years back, back when Geralt and Yennefer would cheat on each other. He always had girls left and right. Kiera, Yennefer, Triss, and boy, did he have a shit ton of one night stands.

He wasn't surprised when Kiera got distant. It hurt at first, but he realized one thing- thats life. She lost interest.

When people normally got to know him, they would see Geralt and run. They'd lose interest in him, all of the sudden. But Geralt would never take them from him though, he wasn't that bad a person.

And he wasn't a bad person either. But Geralt's best friend currently hitting on him? It shouldn't make him feel giddy inside. It shouldn't make him so happy that it felt like someone had chosen him over Geralt.

He couldn't help but smile.

But it was playful. It was all playful.

He couldn't help but feel his smile drop, as he went to read the last message from Dandelion. His face contorted in anger; wanting to lash out all over again.

'+1 xxx-xxx-xxxx : it was geralt. glad to see youve changed ur mind tho! <3'

[intertexts]

EPISODE 21 TRIVIA:

- bizly, introing the episode: "welcome to just rolled with it where we answer our generations greatest question: will dakota cole break the law?"

- grizzly: "no, you know what? i think the final villain of prime defenders is william fucking wisp! i think youre playing out a villain backstory and youre going to snap and go batshit crazy" < hehehehehehehehe

- charlie: "i dont think its a secret that william is FOR SURE the most likely to become a villain out of the three of us. i dont see it as a permanent final thing but i definitely think it could happen at some point. i think he would have like a red x teen titans arc" WAHOO

- charlie CURRENTLY has no plans to do this he and bizly have never even discussed it. however he thinks its a possibility. "im playing this kid who is VERY smart and has a lot of ideas, but keeps getting shut down by basically everyone and i think hes starting to get a little desperate"

- they start talking about how when charlie plays william he gets "the Chip Brain" which is a reference to how in riptide bizly makes the most WILD NONSENSE decisions and then afterwards goes "i dont know why i did that i was just so in character and i felt like thats what he would do in the moment. out of character i agree that was fucking stupid why did i do that" << so. charlie gets this playing william too LMAO

- HEY UH. FUCKED UP SENTENCE INCOMING !!! "william has literally seen what happens after you die. thats knowledge that almost NOBODY else in this world has. and i think it makes him values life... less. hes seen that theres more after, hes seen that people kind of stick around, i think life to him is a lot more fragile and messy and less black-and-white, killing or not killing. it doesnt hold the same weight. becoming sort of apathetic and desensitized to the concept of death" << THIS IS AWESOMEEEEE FOR ME

- grizzly says hes glad william and vyncent didnt try to break the doctor out of prison like they thought they would because he genuinely wouldnt know how to play that as dakota

- charlie: "william has gotten so protective of dakota that if in his mind there was ANY chance that his friend would die all because of this guy being in jail over false charges, if that was the direction the conversation was going, william actually right then and there wouldve gotten him out. he couldnt have accepted that a situation like that would lead to losing his friend"

- grizzly: "iiiiii would like to sayyyy. bizly. will i still kick absolute ass if i dont have strength and speed, or will I just be some kind of loser" << bizly says maybe but he wpuld have to play dakota as more of a Regular Guy and just have him train at martial arts really hard

- DISCUSSING A TRAINING ARC AGAIN !!!!! which they think would be fun but they dont want to do another timeskip. (<<me who has future knowledge and knows how they figure this out: :3c)

- one of the biggest reasons keeping grizzly from agreeing to break the doctor out now is because hes really afraid he'll be super bitter against the family and augment himself to have some sort of powers and become a supervillain. and he thinks something like that happening would absolutely CRUSH dakota to a point where he wouldnt know how he would come back from that

- bizly had a real time epiphany, everyone was quiet for a minute and he just went "oh my god. i know exactly how this is gonna work. pick anything you want, i got this. i have a way to make everything work"

- grizzly has NO idea which option hes gonna choose, but he thinks hes leaning toward dakota getting a normal heart and just training really hard at martial arts. charlie and condi are saying that theyre really interested to see dakota before he goes and trains because theyve never seen him *weak* before

- grizzly: "if you ever call dakota stupid in character again ill cry"

charlie: "i mean i only did that because he was putting himself in danger! i think william heard him say shit like 'its cool. its okay ive got two years' and i think he just got genuinely really upset at that. william would rather keep his friend alive than spare his feelings"

- "if william ever did become a supervillain he would *never* hurt dakota" (<< WAUGH)

- charlie was gonna ask the doctor about williams whole decaying thing but decided not to because it didnt feel right in the moment. bizly goes "i mean you already know who you need to talk to about that" to which charlie goes NOOOOOOOOOO bc he is implying. mal

- charlie: "william doesnt wanna talk to mal he pisses him off"

grizzly: "why, because its like looking in a mirror?"

condi and bizly at the same time: "ooooooohhhhhhh"

- grizzly: "god this decision is so fucking hard i feel like i need an adult- OH MY GOD can we go see tide. can i not make my decision and instead we just go see tide"

- condi: "vyncent doesnt really know how to feel about this choice. he wants dakota to be powerful because he knows those powers are really important to him but he also doesnt want his friend to fucking die!"

- GRIZZLY IS TALKING ABOUT THE DEMON HE ATE AGAIN AND BIZLY GOT SO FRUSTRATED THAT HE ACCIDENTALLY REVEALED WILLIAM STUFF:::: "i dont think the demon works how you think it works, its not PHYSICALLY in your stomach it doesnt have a physical form you CANNOT digest it !!!! in this whole campaign, no spirit has been able to wander out and influence the physical world, thats why william is so special as a planeswalker! he is a spirit that has a physical form, he can affect the real world and also be in the spirit world without a guide!"

- theyre discussing the morality of the blake family and grizzly genuinely doesnt know if dakota could process something like this where its sooooo deeply in the grey area, dakota is very black and white he doesnt think he can even understand that right now

SUCH GOOOOD FUCKING TRIVIA THIS EP DUDE!!!!!!! thank u for the foooood. fuck yes a little bowl of seeds for me.

WIWI VILLAIN ARC. PLEASE. PLEASE. YEAH. honestly at this point i know it's going to happen, i just don't know when n how. not even from ur ominous giggling it just feels SO clear to me that he is a guy who can be so desperate and do anything for the people he loves and i... give him One situation where he doesn't have his very fragile support system of two other extremely fucked up teens and their absent dad who he just doesn't wanna disappoint!!! give him one fucking situation where he's separated from them and scared and there's some threat and you fucking KNOW he's going to be Up To Some Shit. i'd bet real money on both the villain or at least morally grey conflict arc AND that general setup being the catalyst.

god. literally all of this stuff is SOOO good i'm fucking LOCKED ON to the other wiwi planeswalker shit-- that's basically what i was thinking? when the planeswalker thing had come up before? but. tasty... before i started 22 my assumption here was then that the decay situation was like. a subconscious... choiiiice? i guess? like. you know. he perceived himself as dead and his body began to reflect that & then he looked more dead so he got more dead etc etc vicious cycle. but. now i'm not sure??????? ALSO. that thing ab his thoughts on death are so fucking tasty. so so good holy shit. makes sense!! makes sense!! there's less gravity to death when it's just a place you can go, there's less gravity to killing when it's not permanent-ending, just shifting someone from one place to another. like, y'know, when u were a kid, and there was someplace u never went very often & so u thought it was Special and Important & then u grew up and figured out it wasn't actually Special and Important and an Occasion to go there, your mom just hated the parking situation or it was a bit too far for a car ride w/ little kids. that's what death is like to william wisp!! head in hands. not even gonna touch on mal rn!!!

anyway. ghostkicksisms................

[alisria]

i know i am just smad because im tired and in pain and havent eaten in 12 hours and have no plans to but

i think as i approach 30 i am really starting to lose my mind a little bit about how ive spent 27 years putting my life on hold until X. like oh i will go out and do new things when i have X. i cant enjoy travelling until i have X. i cant be happy until i have X. and like. X doesnt seem possible anymore. i dont have the willpower to make it happen. i dont care enough. because i never gave myself anything to care about because that was something that would come after X. well what the fuck do i do when X never comes? feel like this forever? because ive certainly been dealing with that reality my entire life. and i can look at my friends and see they dont need X to be happy and thats fine and im so glad for them and i dont WANT them to need X but i do.

and it's like. okay well if X is my obstacle, what are the steps i need to take to get X? okay well join your support groups. go to your doctor. get more doctors. beg for help with X from them. from your family. and then the support groups say "you dont want it enough", the doctors say "you shouldnt want X at all", and your family doesnt answer your pleas because what you want doesn't matter, you dont want it enough, you should be doing other things, etc. and it's like. all my life i have felt like an absolutely massive part of me is missing. and the only thing that will fix it is X. doctor will give you vyvanse. doctor will give you all the hormones you can dream of without you even fucking asking. doctor will offer gender affirming surgery you dont even want. but you beg for X, you beg for help just getting closer to X, you write out a page of reasons why X would get you closer to finally feeling like a real person, like yourself, a self you havent even fucking met yet at nearly 30 years old, and doctor goes "ehhh well you need to learn to be happy without X. because you can't have it." and its like well girl what the FUCK do i do because thats the only thing ive literally ever wanted and i've structured my entire life over the pipe dream of maybe having it someday and i CANT have anything else until i have X and they kind of shrug and give you another doctor that goes yeah no you dont get a diagnosis and nothing is wrong with you and i wont help you get X so no more appointments call me if you need me but doctor i am fucking pagliacci.

and there's that nagging thought, that if i get X, nothing will change. the support groups tell you this. nothing will change. you will still be socially inept, you will still be mentally ill with agoraphobia, you will still struggle every fucking day of your life with choices that tear you apart. and i can hear that for 10 years and still feel incomplete without it. i am defective goods and i need a part installed and people either say "well you dont need that part to work!" "you can be happy without the part!" "you can never have the part, even if you get it installed it will never work so why even bother?" and this is supposed to feel like support. this is supposed to be positivity. but it's not. maybe it is for other people. but it isnt for me. but i can have hormones if i want!!!!! here you can transition wont that make you feel better!!!!! wont that make you hate yourself less!!!!! have as many hormones as you want!!!!!!!

and on tuesday im going to go to the doctor and smile and say everythings great im fine physiotherapy is working the meds are working everything is perfect see you in 3 months when i am quite literally rotting inside and there is no cure

im going to bed