#<- affirmations for the self bc i dont think im having a bad day. im having an episode of sorts

[jabberwockprince]

takes a long drag out of my cigarette. wao september got hands

[redr0sewrites]

Kafka (HSR) Headcanons

REQS R STILL OPEN<3 KAFKA IS SO PRETTY OMFG I LOVE WOMEN AUUUGH

🥀CW: Smut in the nsfw part, bondage, marking, overall kinky stuff, non-sexual nudity mentioned in the sfw part

🥀 minors dni with the nsfw portion

SFW:

god i love women

kafka is often very busy, so i see her love language as words of affirmation

she loves flirting with you and whispering sweet things in your ear just to watch you get flustered

she can often be very touchy and flirty, however if it makes you uncomfortable she is shockingly good with boundaries and will simply give you space why would u say no tho

she loves having your head in her lap while she plays with your hair

she enjoys taking baths with you, esp after long or difficult missions

she will go all out, she will light candles, put rose petals and bubbles in the water, epson salt cuz its soothing, anything you like. there WILL be romantic music playing softly in the background, i said what i said

she likes to give you back massages and will give you small kisses on the back of your neck

she is VERY protective of you, i wouldnt say to a super controlling level but enough where she gets jealous pretty easily

she is actually so bad at dropping hints like she will flirt with anyone and anything but the second she caught feelings for u she had no idea what to do

she legit just teased u and made fun of u, you would probably think she hated you for awhile until you figured out that she was obsessed with u

have u seen her fit? yall def share a closet

her clothes are your clothes and vice versa

seeing you in her clothes sets something off in her i swear

this often leads to steamy makeout sessions and yk what else

SHE LOVES DOING YOUR MAKEUP AND HAIR SHE WOULD HELP YOU GET READY EVERY DAY IF SHE COULD

she will also let you do hers, but not super often since shes kinda busy sometimes and doesnt want to take forever getting ready

the type of person who can walk for hours and hours forEVER in super tall heels/platforms or "walk it off" after literally being beaten to near death in battle but will complain for days if she gets even the tiniest paper cut

likes giving back hugs

this is random but i feel like she eoukd enjoy puzzles and word games

YALL R THE TYPE TO GO ON FANCY DATES YALL R THE BIGGEST POWER COUPLE EVER

she always, ALWAYS pays for u, holds the door for u, she will hold ur shoes if they're bothering u/she will carry u if she can, LITERALLY A MIX BETWEEN GENTLEMAN AND MILF BEHAVIOR

she will prob introduce u to the other stellaron hunters if u dont already work w them

her friends r ur friends now

yall have self care dates where u get ur nails, hair, and skin care done and go to fancy spas or get massages im too broke to do this idk what people actually do at a spa

overall amazing and wonderful we ignore the fact that shes insane bc its hot

NSFW:

here we gooo

switch energy SWITCH ENERGY

when shes more subby shes still in control, i feel like she would def be a power bottom at least

really enjoys commanding you and ordering you around, gets off on your obedience and your disobedience

HAIR PULLER

she WILL wear a strap and use toys on you, putting a vibrator to your clit/cock while your tied down and watching you squirm and whimper, using leg spreaders to hold ur legs apart while she eats u out/sucks u off, paddles, rods/dildos, thrusting vibrators, she has it ALL

if u dont have stereotypically "female" genitals/or even if u do, she will peg u. there is no escaping it. she will overstimulate you and she will fuck u until ur begging for her to stop, thighs shaking, chest heaving, sobbing and pleading for a break

IDK IF I SAID THIS ALREADY BUT SHE WILL TIE U DOWN AND SHE WILL USE INTRICATE AND PRETTY DESIGNS AND ROPES TO DO SO

she very much enjoys riding ur face, seeing your face covered in her slick below her... godd ur gonna be up the whole night

exhibitionist (i am prob spelling this wrong💀) SHE LIKES PRESSING U UP AGAINST WINDOWS WHILE THERES PEOPLE OUTSIDE AND FUCKING U FROM BEHIND WITH HER STRAP

"oh? your upset about them seeing us? so what? dont worry your pretty little head about trivial things like that dolly, i'll take care of everything for you~" *proceeds to fuck u until ur babbling and no more worried are forming in ur head*

into sensory play as well

ur tied down and blindfolded and she will blot hot air against ur cunt/cock, run an ice cube up and down ur thighs, leave hickeys or kisses on ur thighs, trace a feather around ur chest and trail it down ur abdomen, just above where u want her, so close but so, so far...

perhaps she has a mommy kink, but it would take a little while to discover it 👀

wears lingerie on a regular basis and will strip in front of u at the end of the day leaving u in flustered in shock she loves seeing u all flushed and embarrassed omg

tease teas tease sOO UNFAIR

WILL TEASE U FOR DAYS ON END JUST TO GET U TO SUBMIT

OVERALL THE PERFECTEST AND HOTTEST LOVER U CAN EVER IMAGINE

hi guys cant believe i just wrote this anyways can u tell i have a preference LMFAOO shes just so cool <3 i might have a type *side eyes kindael, kafka, rosaria, and all the other pink/red associated women who r also fucking insane that i simp for* sorry i havent been super active lately, i prob wont be for a little while im going on vacation. however, reqs are still open i am BEGGING for reqs lmao😭 hope u enjoyed! lmk of any errors/gendering issues, hope u enjoyed

[thejournallo]

hello!!! i think i got close to shifting the night!!! for the last 3 nights ive been trying some methods whether it be stuff i found on tumblr or guides methods on spotify. but none of them seems to be my thing, as after a while i get real awake and struggle to fall asleep as well as get bored. last night i decided to simply listen to powerful shifting subliminals before sleeping and during it. the day before i had read that i don't actually need a method or anything just simply my intention would be enough and ngl i'm a bit lazy but i just wanna wake up in my dr so bad🙏🙏 during it i said some affirmations then slept but woke up afterwards(it was a 2 hour video) and i couldn't sleep back. people in the comments were saying they have shifted to this regardless of if they have used a method or not. i laid awake for like 20 mins and then finnaly decide to close to video when there was like 10 mins before it was gonna end and decided to do some stuff to make me sleepy(it was 3 am) i don't really have a script but only something that is for security. i merely imagined things in my head, even something big as who my friends gonna be, where i will live etc or just said then simply in my mind, unable to find something for them and just see them once i'm in my dr. i hope this is enough?? bc im really not good at visualizing i can only think of certain actions happening that's why i hate methods too i'm unable to do them properly. anyway when i was finnaly sleepy,i found a powerful subliminal on spotify that is 1 hour long, simply said stuff like "i am in my dr, i will wake up in my dr, i have the intention to wake up in my dr" a couple times and tried to imagine myself sleeping there. the thing is i didn't change almost anything about myself so since it's very much the same as me now i cannot see my dr self any different than me. nevertheless, very close to me falling asleep, i felt like i was my dr self!! kept my eyes closed, i didn't feel anything physical but only felt as if i was truly in my dr sleeping there. and i had such a blank dream, literally no one or anything, just pitch black where i felt myself as if i was my dr self again. unfortunately i woke up here but i think this is a big sign?? and just one more little thing,, as i said i didn't script but i want some very general event to happen such as getting into the school i want, getting married, going on vacations etc but i don't really have a visualtion of my mind but rather things that will happen there, thats enough for them to happen write? i really don't like writing scripts if anything ill just add there. anyway, so sorry for writing such a long paragraph and i hope i made sense(english isn't my first language😖) and can you guide me a bit!! have a lovely dayyyyy<33

HELLO! AND CONGRATULATION, LITTLE STAR!

I'm so excited for you! And yes, it is a big sign that you are shifting! I'm so happy that you shared this great achievement with me! 🥺

Btw tho! To answer your questions! You don't have to write it for it to happen; intentions are powerful!

As you saw last night, our intentions are enough to let things happen! If you want to check if they happen, if you have a specific scene in mind, I suggest you have a list with a keyword connected to that scene so when it happens, you will know!

Ex: I want Fred Weasly to ask me out on a date. Keyword: date night scene.

Some general things I can suggest you do are: use YouTube instead of Spotify. On YouTube, you will find 10-hour-long videos with affirmations and non-affirmations.

I use brown sounds to fall asleep, but I found 10 hours of subliminals about abondance. I dont see why there could not be a subliminal for shifting.

BTW, keep going like this! You are not forced to use a method, and for sure, you don't need one because you are powerful enough to do it! I will be here! I am waiting to know your progress and celebrate your achievements with you.

Congratulations again, darling!

[lostfracturess]

omg nici i just read s&c and wanted to share my thoughtss w you <33

i freaking loved reader’s lil mental breakdown er i guess intrusive thoughts at the beginning during the aneurysm surgery, it was so realistic for the thought process as someone kind of derailing and when she came to the realization that she might be just as much of an adrenaline addict as satoru is i was GAGGED…like satoru really is getting inside her head (and i was doubly gagged when i realized SHE was literally inside someone ELSE’s head mid surgery) and idk if that was meant to be intentional or not but idc good grief you’re a genius nici i can’t praise you for it ENOUGH

Yet, with each precise maneuver, the thrill intensified. There was a sick satisfaction in holding that much power, in the knowledge that one wrong move and this fragile existence could be snuffed out in an instant.

i also LOVED this part so so so much. it’s no secret that surgeons are often to most egotistic n narcissistic people out there, and the way you describe it here, of a person having the control over a person’s life and how instead of frightening, sometimes that’s exhilarating in a self affirming way…love it. and then when you said too bad it wasn’t enough of a thrill for satoru…GAGGED AGAIN. but it’s curious too how you also mentioned he has no control over his own life, despite having so much control over others as his profession as a surgeon. i’m just— god ALL the parallels within such a short amount of time i am so fucking BLESSEDDD

AHHHH i had it spoiled in an ask you answered that suguru had feelings for reader and omg 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 ok i love s&c gojo but im SORRYYYY NICIIII I JUST THINK S&C SUGURU IS THE MAN FOR MEEE 😫😫 my heart really broke for reader though, where she was so close to helping someone she loves but suguru got in the way of it all. but i also understand suguru, bc he’s known gojo so long, i wonder if he just thinks gojo is beyond help at this point

There were other battles to save your strength for. And the battlefield of Satoru's furrowed brow and those piercing blue eyes that bore into you was a battlefield that already took all your strength.

im gonna CRYYY also omg if gojo knew about her fathers death day n thats why he wanted to push it back…i will be so soft aaa. WHY IS HE ALSO THE PERFECT MAN i cant i mean i guess he’s not PERFECT perfect but idc i can fix him i swear xD no but seriously having two hot doctor men lookin out for meeee 🤞🏼😫 reader failing those classes is also such a mood LOL. reader’s panic attack was also so well written omg.

Hypocritical, maybe, after your breakdown, but you didn't want his protection, not in this way. You wanted to fight your own battles, for better or worse. Stubborn pride — a desperate denial of how the grief, the unrelenting struggle, chipped away at you.

i LOOOOVE reader’s personality so fucking muchhh. she always stands up for herself even after pitfalls and shortcomings n i love that it’s not a delusional confidence but a self aware one.

"I know," he said, burying his face against his shoulder for a moment. "Just because we can't be together...It doesn't mean I've stopped loving you."

im gonna CRYYYYYYYY why dont u just RIP MY FUCKIN HEART OUT INSTEAD i physically felt this in my chest. omg their conversation here was so aghshdhdjd the ANGST. reader saying she didnt deserve what satoru did to her broke me. but i also love how sorta soft soken this convo is? no yelling at one another, or screaming, or insults that cut deep bc they know eachothers insecurities. its just so in contrast to what we saw w them in the last chapter and i think it’s nice they have this range of communication but also it shows just how exhausted the two of them are because of all the failed history btwn them ahhhhhh. also i cackled so hard when gojo said i love u but reader said i hate u pls xD they are so iconic

omg maki is a real one frrr she is a NO BULLSHITTER 🤞🏼🤞🏼i loved the convo reader had w her friends!! and the line ab the heart holding onto hope even when it’s not the most rational was so raw n real. i’m glad reader at least has different perspectives

i freaking love the science jargon so damn much omg 🙏🏼😫 i have forgotten absolutely everything from my degree but it slowly comes back to me when i read s&c and that makes me so excited. i swear when im a doctor someday imma come back n read s&c and be like gat dayum nici really did her damn research!! xD no but just in general i think the glioblastoma research is really interesting bc its such a challenging cancer to target and has such high mortality rate, BUT ALSO the thing they’re talking ab with the t-cells to create a fake immune response to attack the tumor cells (im assuming thats what theyre talking ab lol) is so cool and i think thats the basis of immunotherapy which actually has really promising clinical trials going on rn for cancer treatment which is so super excitinf!! would i sound lame if i asked you for the papers you looked through for this chapter xD ALSO BLOOD BRAIN BARRIER MENTIONED LETS GOOO genuinely one of the coolest fuckin things in biochemistry PLS AND THE CYTOKINE STORM NIKI PLEEASEEEE NEVER STOP W THE MEDICAL JARGON IN S&C IF THE MEDICAL JARGON HAS NO FANS IM DEAD its genuinely so interesting i get to learn ab breakthrough oncology research AND i get to fuck my fave?!! 😫🙏🏼 god bless u fr

edit: PLS YOU GAVE THE DOI BAHAHA also sorry i just saw u said not to interact w the science material LOL my bad i am just so excited rn i miss studying so bad

side note i love when ur satoru goes “ha?” like he’s so sexy for that and it’s so incharacter for him PLSLDFJH also damn he called us stupid woman AND reckless idiot in one chapter ✋🏼😔 like ok damn im dumb what about it?!?!????!??🤨🤨awwiie stopp im so soft for gojo rn he’s like practically cradling her to sleeeppp 😭😭😭 also PLSSS reader sleepily chanting the research is so real bahha like when u pull an allnighter for an exam n only have like a couple hours to sleep

nooooo omg reader visiting his grave is so sad :( and the fact she never even got to say GOODBYE…..im so sad. i love the underlying theme of grief in this chapter and also ADORE the depth you’ve given to reader sm. coming back here after reading the author’s note—PLSSS do not hesitate or worry to ass depth to the reader’s character!! i get the same way in my writinf where im like oh its an x reader no one cares to read ab the reader’s backstory but no it adds sm more to the story and only strengthens the narrative as well as the romance n connections within the story!! like bae if u want me to have a traumatic past then i’m here for it xD

omg the interaction w readers mom was going so well n cure n then i audibly gasped when she switched from sweet faced to rude at the mention of the research. its so sad how her mother is in denial, but i love how theres a contrast in the different ways that people grieve in a family. “i know she lost her husband, but i lost my father. i was grieving too.” AHHHH this is so painfully good, i love it <33 i really do love how reader chose herself in the end. learning to care for someone that is grieving i think can turn into codependency really fast, and i admire she took a step towards her career rather than staying back in a place that wasn’t healthy for her. but obv i feel for the mom too, it mustve been really hard to be left alone like that. i hope she can work her relationship out w her mom :””) i love everything satoru is saying to her rn, he’s so incredibly emotionally mature, and i really understand why reader believes in him n wants him to be better. he’s a great man that just needs a little bit of saving 😭❤️

OH MY GOSHHHHHHHHH the scene w satoru’s ROMANTIC SOLILOQUYYY my fucking heart he is so bridgerton man coded 🙏🏼😭 like the part where he talks about hsi HEART and his SOUL like DAMn thats on par w anthony’s speech to kate YOU ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE AND THE OBJECT OF ALL MY DESIRESSS 😫😫🤞🏼🤞🏼 i need this man so bad omg shonda rhimes NEEEDSS to adapt s&c pls i’ll pay from my own pocket xD also reader randomly coming up w a breakthru for her research while she’s gettin the most romantic speech or her life is so fuckin funny n she’s so real for that AHAHAH and the futon bit was sooo cute

ALSO ALSO ALSO

I FREAKING LOVE THIS PART i love a little age gap romanceee n this was soooo hehehehe 🥴🤭 like yesss bb do declare how you have more wisdom on meeee now pls fuck me 🤞🏼😫

ughh the way he’s so domestic w reader’s mom is giving HUSBAND VIBESSS LIKE HELLOOOO THAT’s ur MOTHER IN LAW RIGHT THERE. also aw he convinced her mom to try therapy?? i fucking cant 😭 he is just 10/10 man in this chapter i want to sobbb when is it my turrnnn i want to marry him so bad

HELPDKDJHDHD WAI TWHAT HE ASKED FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE IM THAT CAME OUTTA NOWHERE LOL THE WHIPLASH I JUSt EXPERIENCED ICANT HAHAHA

wow i loved this chapter!! so much happened and it was all just S tier writing, S tier dialogue, S tier everything. i loooved the constructive conversations in this one, w reader’s friends, and w suguru, and w the mom, just soooo much about all the characters relationships w one another revealed in such subtle n powerful ways. HONESTLYYY i think this is my FAVORITE chapter of s&c so far, so marvelous :””) thank you SO much nici for all your hard work n care n effort you put into this story, you’re such a queen. much love from me ❤️

okay first, sorry for the late response, but i wanted to have enough time to reply to your message with the same amount and detail that u spend to send me this incredibly sweet message bc u deserve it !! you know, u have no idea how happy this makes me :'')) (but like as a writer yourself, you know the feeling when your heart is basically exploding we you see others obsess over small details in your writing like yourself, right ?? it's really the best feeling ever) <33

when she came to the realization that she might be just as much of an adrenaline addict as satoru is i was GAGGED…like satoru really is getting inside her head

yees, she slowly loses her own mind hahaa. and i wanted to show it there a little bit, that she slowly comes to the realization, that her motives why she does this medical thing might not be as altruistic as she thought and maybe she is just a little bit more like satoru than she wants to admit, oh myyyy hehe.

it’s no secret that surgeons are often to most egotistic n narcissistic people out there, and the way you describe it here, of a person having the control over a person’s life and how instead of frightening, sometimes that’s exhilarating in a self affirming way…love it.

think it's kind of unrealistic to say they just do it because they're altruistic, and i think it also has something to do with canon satoru, like he enjoys the thrill of combat and so does s&c satoru with like the thrill of surgery (and s&c reader too).

and then when you said too bad it wasn’t enough of a thrill for satoru…GAGGED AGAIN. but it’s curious too how you also mentioned he has no control over his own life, despite having so much control over others as his profession as a surgeon.

yeesss !! loved that part too <33 i think that's also why he clings to his surgeries and addiction so much, bc it gives him some illusion of control even tho it's like the exact opposite.

ok i love s&c gojo but im SORRYYYY NICIIII I JUST THINK S&C SUGURU IS THE MAN FOR MEEE 😫😫

ellie, stay strong for our blue eye princess !!! don't let yourself get distracted !!! ahhhhh !!!

my heart really broke for reader though, where she was so close to helping someone she loves but suguru got in the way of it all.

yes, it must have felt like the biggest betrayal. like, of course suguru had only good intentions but when u fight so long for someone to finally trust you, for him to accept your help and then it gets snuffed out in an instant ?? must feel devastating.

but i also understand suguru, bc he’s known gojo so long, i wonder if he just thinks gojo is beyond help at this point

yes, he does think that.

i LOOOOVE reader’s personality so fucking muchhh. she always stands up for herself even after pitfalls and shortcomings n i love that it’s not a delusional confidence but a self aware one.

ahhh, that makes me so happy !! i never know how readers react to it, and if it makes sense to others, so i'm SO GLAD that you understand what i wanted to transpire with her personality :'')) <33

omg their conversation here was so aghshdhdjd the ANGST. reader saying she didnt deserve what satoru did to her broke me. but i also love how sorta soft soken this convo is? no yelling at one another, or screaming, or insults that cut deep bc they know eachothers insecurities.

i LOVED writing this conversation !!! like it's so vulnerable it had me clutching my heart while writing ngl. reader understands him so deeply that she is so soft with him, despite her anger that is still very prominent there, but she swallows that anger to not force him to apologize to her or hurt him even more.

like she has every right to do so, and still chooses different. but then again, the anger is still there and she needs to say it one time, that she is indeed hurt and that it was indeed unfair of him.

but also it shows just how exhausted the two of them are because of all the failed history btwn them ahhhhhh.

yeeess, they are so exhausted at this point, it breaks my heart (i'm the author i know, this is my doing lol).

i freaking love the science jargon so damn much omg 🙏🏼😫 i have forgotten absolutely everything from my degree but it slowly comes back to me when i read s&c and that makes me so excited. i swear when im a doctor someday imma come back n read s&c and be like gat dayum nici really did her damn research!! xD

oh god ellie, you know more about this than i do, so please don't dwell too much on the medical details here because i'm 100% sure they don't make any sense ahahhah.

would i sound lame if i asked you for the papers you looked through for this chapter xD

noooooo, we love a curious mind ahhhh !!! but yeah, i wrote the DOI of the paper in the chapter notes hehe <33

ts genuinely so interesting i get to learn ab breakthrough oncology research AND i get to fuck my fave?!!

BEST OF BOTH WORLDS <33

side note i love when ur satoru goes “ha?” like he’s so sexy for that and it’s so incharacter for him PLSLDFJH also damn he called us stupid woman AND reckless idiot in one chapter ✋🏼😔

i can imagine him so vividly like that !! with his dumbfounded face, mouth hanging open, then he slowly raises an eyebrow and be like haaaa ???? and in his mind he is already undressing and fucking you rough lol.

i love the underlying theme of grief in this chapter and also ADORE the depth you’ve given to reader sm.

so happy to read this :'')) <33

PLSSS do not hesitate or worry to ass depth to the reader’s character!! i get the same way in my writinf where im like oh its an x reader no one cares to read ab the reader’s backstory but no it adds sm more to the story and only strengthens the narrative as well as the romance n connections within the story!! like bae if u want me to have a traumatic past then i’m here for it xD

ohhh and i'm happy to read we're on the same page with this !!

i love everything satoru is saying to her rn, he’s so incredibly emotionally mature, and i really understand why reader believes in him n wants him to be better. he’s a great man that just needs a little bit of saving 😭❤️

yeess, he's such a GREEN FLAG, he just a bit stupid and insane and an addict, but i mean ??? how can u not love him when he says things like that ??? ahhhh

OH MY GOSHHHHHHHHH the scene w satoru’s ROMANTIC SOLILOQUYYY my fucking heart he is so bridgerton man coded

this was his big ass bridgerton moment yeess hahaha. we love a man pathetically in love with his woman <<3333

also reader randomly coming up w a breakthru for her research while she’s gettin the most romantic speech or her life is so fuckin funny n she’s so real for that AHAHAH and the futon bit was sooo cute

priorities i mean ??? satoru can wait ahahha

I FREAKING LOVE THIS PART i love a little age gap romanceee n this was soooo hehehehe 🥴🤭 like yesss bb do declare how you have more wisdom on meeee now pls fuck me 🤞🏼😫

same girl, same !!! like, yes please tell me how the world works, bc i'm too stupid for it, but beware if you ever mansplain anything to me i'll kill u (and now choke me pls). <33

wow i loved this chapter!! so much happened and it was all just S tier writing, S tier dialogue, S tier everything.

ahhhhhh !! thank you so so much again for sharing your thoughts and emotions while reading the chapter, your insightful analysis mean so much to me :'')) i hope u find money on the pavement this week, i'm manifesting this for u !! <3 love you !!

[hannahlovesluca]

OMGGG are you still doing matchups?! if so can I be in one!!

im fem with she/her pronouns

i don’t have a preference. man? woman? non-binary? trans? IDC ‼️‼️

im in my bald head era rn 😞✊🏿✊🏿 (jk jk i have a pixie cut going on rn bc i got a little too wild and my hair ended up getting fried, dyed, and laid to the side…), im like 5’5 or something i honest forgot, im soulaan (aka african american 🤩) mixed with somalian. also i been hitting the gym AND been doing the le sserafim workout so my body tea ‼️

esfj. according to my friends im very open minded and a cool person to be around. very hype but all it take is some good food for all that energy to be knocked down immediately 💀

likes - food, cats

dislikes - boring ppl, mean ppl, ppl ppl, loud noises, the smell of boiled eggs. being annoyed, RAINNNNN, cold weather

love languages 💋💋 (had to take a test bc i never even thought abt this 😓😓) — acts of services (27%) — physical touch (23%) — words of affirmation (20%) — receiving gifts (20%) — quality time (10%)

i pair you with….

Sonny Brisko!

hear me out��

• i love this man so much i wish i was you

• you guys have such similar personalities but also such different personalities that i just think you blend perfectly

• you guys both switch black cat and golden retriever personalities i love this trope

• if youre like me and get sick 24/7 (little self insert my bad 😞) he will definitely take the day off (probably didnt even know what he was going to be streaming that day anyways so..)

• i personally dont know how good of a cook he is so this could go two ways

• one: he makes the best soup ever and you feel so much better just knowing how much he cares

• two: he sucks at making soup and you probably get food poisoning… it was worth it though with how hard he tried to make it up to you

• HE LOVES WATCHING YOH WORK OUT. LOVES IT.

• it probably turns him on tbh but he would never ever admit that ever

• his love language is physical touch through and through

• hes a sucker for hugs but again he would never admit that

• if you ask him to help dye your hair is could, once again, go two ways

• one: he ends up ruining your hair and you have to go to a salon

• two: he actually does really well and hes your new personal barber

• if he gets jealous i dont think he would really do anything but he’d probably pout for a bit

• “youre my woman, not theirs.” (i rlly hope u get my reference)

• he likes being the big spoon most of the time but if you big spoon him he will melt - will probably pout because he doesnt want you to know he actually enjoys it

• he genuinely does not have a type in any way shape or form but when he meets you hes just so 😍😍😍

RUNNERS UP: Meloco Kyoran, Mysta Rias

[alienpupy]

About your top surgery:

Firstly, though, hoi! I'd like to say that I am happy for you, but I don't really feel happiness. Just nothing. But I am proud of you that you got the top surgery and seem very happy about it.

And going through your posts about it, I realize that I want top surgery, too. But I'm also genuinely afraid of the post-surgery time. And this makes me wonder, were you nervous or anxious before the surgery? (Also, apologies for the rambles and for not feeling the happiness for you)

no worries im happy to talk abt it :] i was anxious in the weeks and days coming up to the surgery, yea, but it was more anxiety abt stuff around the surgery than the procedure itself (like, ik several people who got top surgery at the same clinic and everything n they're super reputable so i wasnt worried about the medical aspect, just the preparations + i had to move appartments 10 days before the surgery + had to pack up AGAIN bc im actually staying with my parents for a month or two bc you absolutely need ppl to assist you with stuff during early recovery)

the closest thing to anxiety abt the actual surgery i had was one time a few weeks before it i was like "wait. what if i don't actually want this what if this is a mistake" and then to test it i put a bra and tshirt on and realized yeah no absolutely not thats just pointless self-doubt and i still hate these

it was rlly surreal tho if im being honest? idk if its even fully hit me that this was real and actually happened. I've wanted top surgery since i was like 13 but obv for most of that it felt like it was really distant in the future, and yet now that im flat it just feels. normal? like im still super early recovery so i havent actually seen my chest w/o the bandages yet but still just looking in the mirror with the bandages flat on my chest it just looks natural to me. its been less than a week and im already forgetting what it was like to have tits lmao (altho to be fair i've been binding for years so its not like they were ever a huge part of my life, just a major inconvenience)

and post-surgery really isnt that bad. i've complained about the weird nerve stuff, yea, but that does clear up eventually (altho ik it usually take years for the nerves to fully 100% heal, they're the slowest thing to regenerate). I've had basically zero pain, but i was still prescribed pain meds to take if i need them and given a lot of advice for healing as best as possible. the most important thing is definitely to have someone (or multiple people) be able to take time off to help you with everything (like, from food to drains to making sure you're comfortable and checking on you, you're not supposed to move your arms a lot or lift anything heavy for the first 6-ish weeks).

Post-op depression can be a thing for a lot of people too, but it hasnt hit me (at least not yet) and it can be avoided/mitigated by making sure you're not alone. having friends over, or calling people, making sure you still have games or movies or art to keep u occupied helps a ton.

also i dont think i've said it here before but i got top surgery at GRC montreal, and gender-affirming surgeries are covered by the government here in canada. I sent my paperwork/referral stuff there in may of last year, and it took them a couple months for each stage of processing but they gave me my surgery date (june 7th) a couple of months before, so (not counting the time to get a gender dysphoria diagnosis + letters from doctors and therapists and junk) i only had to wait about a year.

[codependencytendencies]

This was supposed to be better than the capitalistic b.s. we are sold but it's still pissing me off so I'm gonna scream into the void. Fuck this assessment.

Physical self care

I eat the same thing every day i don't think about it

Who has the fucking money for prevention or medical care

Fashion is overrated bullshit made up by thin ppl who dont even make shit in my fucking size

I'm disabled. I don't do physical activity. I exist and that's enough.

Hot take, it's not my fucking responsibility to constantly try to think positively about myself in a world that tells me they want me dead. I'll be a fucking realist and not lie to myself about shit.

What is it with these pretentious fucks and massages? Noone is fucking touching me and I'm sick of it being so fucking normalized. I will NEVER get a fucking massage and you can't fucking make me.

Psychological self care

Who the fuck has money for vacations? What even is a "day trip"? Driving is exhausting.

What the fuck is "my own personal psychotherapy" even supposed to mean? If it's just a more pretensious way of saying get a therapist, fuck no. I'm not going back to therapy until therapists stop being dicks who gaslight with cbt and work with cops.

The internet is the only place I can interact with other ppl that I don't hate. Taking breaks is harmful.

Who is this written for? How much reading did the creator of this little list think the average person read for work? Bc I don't know anyone who reads for work honestly.

Do you not notice your own thoughts 24/7? How does that even work?

Engage my intelligence... this is one of those ppl who can turn off their brain to watch trash toxic stuff like reality TV isn't it?

Bold of you to assume I'm an expert in anything

This list is so fucking weird. It's like stuff that I don't even think about or stuff that is not helpful at all.

Be curious... this is why I hate so many ppl. If you have to be reminded to be curious I honestly don't understand why you are alive.

Yeah work stays at work but that's just fuck capitalism don't be taken advantage of.

Journaling is such a basic ass thing and after a while it's pointless. I haven't done that since I was like 16. Not to mention it's exhausting. I'm not writing stuff down by hand esp if I'm the only one that's gonna see it. I'll rant out loud in my apartment bc that's at least not a waste of fucking time. Like who even has a thought long enough to write it down like that?

Emotional self care

I.have.no.support.system. that means no fucking ppl to hang out with.

I HAVE NO SUPPORT SYSTEM. Fuck those toxic ppl that gave birth to me and all the fucks related to them. They can go dissolve in the toxic sludge they created.

I am autistic. Rewatching things is kind of required.

Express outrage... ironically that is what I'm doing right now. Again, fuck this assessment

Fuck affirmations. I'm not lying to myself. It's not actually healthy to tell yourself you're a good person. Bc you're not. Nobody is. That's black and white thinking bullshit. I am a person that does good and bad things depending on my capabilities and I know that bc im not a fucking lying allistic that thinks they don't suffer from black and white thinking.

I'm autistic and for me that means i have uncontrollable bouts of crying. There is no allowing myself. Privileged ass person who made this can apparently controlled their crying. How nice for them.

Now here's where the REAL anger starts

Wtf is going on with this whole "spiritual self care" bullshit? Why is it so hard for ppl to grasp that not everyone thinks like them? And they say autistics have a lack of theory of mind.

Causes aren't spiritual. They are opinions and values.

Reflection isn't spiritual, that's just using your fucking brain to analyze yourself, we already covered that, how many reminders do you boring allistic ppl need??

Non material aspects of life? Wtf does that even mean? Am I aware that there are abstract concepts? Yes, social constructs are abstracts, like Religion is a social construct and im not interested, it's boring.

Find spiritual connection or community?? This bullshit is why atheists are so lonely. Yall can't build any community outside religion.

Relationship self care

Partner. No. Fuck that amatonormativity.

Relatives? Fuck those toxic ppl.

What posting on tumblr isn't enough?

Personal correspondence? Did someone forget to upgrade to modern language? Why does this sound like some 19th century person talking about writing a letter to send along the pony express.

There are no people to do things for me. I have been asking for help and there is noone. I hate this fucking state, I have nothing in common with these ppl. There is nothing for me, I don't like any of the things that ppl do here, and they don't have any of the things I like to do.

Literally all I have is my cats, and I had to Pavlov them into loving me.

Workplace self care

Chat with coworkers??? Why the fuck would I want to do that? At best I tolerate ppl enough to do my job. Peers?? There aren't even ppl my own age here. I can go days without talking to anyone at all. support groups at work??? This is some fancy blue state shit isn't it?

Can't balance shit when you don't have shit.

Fuck self care

[thevirgodoll]

idk if tou will ver reply to this but lets go

first off sorry for my bad english. I fell really insecure bc of my body. Im not skinny, im not fat, im not thick, im...a square, i dont have ass and got a huge belly. When i look sideways in the mirror i feel sick. But at the same time i dont wanna change the way i eat and live cause i hate this fitness lifestyle and i want to love myaself the way god made me... But i dont know what to do.

Ppl always tell me how georgeous i am, and they sey i look like a bunch of beautiful celebrities and i feel that like when i see my face on the mirror i just know im THAT bitch but at same time i always think ppl must be lying or that because of my body i dont get reconized enough? Like... Why dont boys ir girls want to get with me? Why dont ppl ask me to be a model or something if i look like other models and stunning singers and actress? What should i do?

Hi angel. Your English is fine. Never apologize for that.

You do not have to look a certain way first and foremost. People, especially women, are always under the impression that they have to fit a certain “mold”. You don’t have to fit any category regarding your looks...you just have to be yourself and own it.

If you are unhappy with the size of your belly, sure you can exercise and eat cleaner some days of the week. But overall, that won’t change the fact that you perceive yourself as less than. When people lose weight while maintaining a negative sense of self, they still have distortions with their thinking and low self esteem in the long run. So, altering your body is not really the solution...that should only come when you’re in a place of love and compassion for yourself and you feel the need to improve an area of your life, not conform or make yourself fit a mold. You have to ask yourself where this is coming from.

Questions to reflect on:

•Why do I feel inadequate when it comes to my body image?

•Where did these feelings originate? Is there a past experience I can pinpoint?

•Is it hard for me to be honest about these feelings? Is there trauma surrounding my self image or esteem?

•Who has given me the image that I feel I need to conform to? Is it social media? Has social media negatively impacted my perception of myself? How can I change this?

Answer these in a diary or document. Keep it to yourself to honor your experience and privacy. After answering these questions, you may find yourself feeling shameful or gross in a way. This is normal because you’ve tapped into uncharted territory.

What to do now?

Reshape your definitions and expectations. Challenge yourself daily.

•Confidence regarding body image is not the existence of perfection and need to control. It is the ability to appreciate your body’s value. The things that are uniquely designed, and make you YOU.

•How do you honor your body image when you express yourself via fashion? Have you allowed yourself to fully navigate your own fashion sense? Allowing yourself to do this will give you a sense of power and appreciation for your qualities. You will learn to dress for your shape, not cover and hide.

•Stop consuming unhealthy media that affirms your negative thoughts. Social media might be influencing your expectations and standards regarding image. Be honest with yourself, and know how to cater to your needs.

•Allow yourself to exist without condemnation. Judgment of yourself is condemning your existence, as if parts of you are a mistake or shouldn’t have been formed. Your thoughts are not facts. Call yourself out on your stuff. Say: “That is not true, actually. I know I am smart. I am worthy.” Refute irrational thoughts with things you KNOW to be true about yourself. List your strengths. Have you ever given yourself props?

•Treat yourself the way you’d like to be addressed. You say people say you’re beautiful. You should treat yourself as such and carry yourself with that importance. Why haven’t you ever thought of yourself in a high regard?

•Take other people off pedestals. It’s typical to put certain people on pedestals and glorify their looks, but it’s not helping you. It is time to focus on yourself and end the cycle of comparison. It is exhausting you.

•Accept some hard truths about yourself and the world. By that I mean, you have to recognize that there will be people evil enough to be jealous or make inflammatory comments. Maybe you’ve had that experience. But you should know something: not everyone has to approve of you. Their behavior is projection of their own issues. Stop living for other people’s approval and comments. It’s going to hurt you in the long run. And in general, most people are too busy with their own lives to judge you the way you harshly judge yourself. You don’t have to be adored by everyone, but you do have to be loved by yourself, understand your own value, and reshape your expectations. You do get treated different when you carry yourself like you know you’re something special. That is just a fact of life.

Above all, this is a process and you have to remember nothing in life is linear or clear cut. These are all things you have to do in order to work towards a healthier body image. Have you ever taken time to just create a pampering routine and dance and just let yourself go? You have to foster a deeper connection with yourself, rather than a connection with the world. What you wake up with is yourself, and what you go to sleep with is yourself. Your quality of life can improve little by little in the way that you address yourself in your head, treat yourself with your actions, and validate yourself with compassion and empathy. It will fail unless you believe in the process and get mad enough that you want to change. You have enough bravery by sharing, so you have to be even braver and address the things that are stealing your joy.

Sometimes, our biggest enemy is the way we learned to deal with our own pain and feelings. The way we learned to process information. The way we learned to navigate life through our past, and it attacks our self image and self perception. You’re working against yourself and your unhealthy mechanisms, not everyone else. These mechanisms have to change as we begin to grow older.

There are different versions of you looking at who you are right now, who you have potential to become, and who you will be. Remember this truth as you work towards a better you. The answers are within you.

[sexydreamgirl]

Hi Hera, i love your blog so i wanted to ask you

(Btw i sent this ask to one other blog but i realized that they have not been active for a long time so i don’t think they’ll answer me so pls don’t block me i’m not spamming this to different blogs)

Im spiraling rn i’ve been trying to manifest money, my dream life and appearance for one year now and still no results:(

I know most of it was due to bad self concept and ive been working on it for the past two weeks but my anxiety and circumstances keep discouraging me. Like my mom constantly nagging me, complaining and whining about us not having any money, about her not having any success in her job bc she does sales and she hasn’t had any since november so we haven’t had income since then, so bills, rent and buying every day things is stressful to me now. All im doing is sitting at home all day every day, wishing i had money to go out, buy clothes, makeup, etc, travel, realize my dreams in terms of career and achievements, my family being stable and happy, living in a big home, me having friends and lovers, having my ideal appearance, shift to my fav fantasy worlds, but none of that is happening and i dont know what to do or think anymore

Idk what to think idk anything anymore ive tried sats, lullaby, void, affirming, scripting and when im not doing anything i feel like im wasting my time and for the past year nothing has happened in my life except me constantly trying to manifest what i want

Please help me please please please

please read point #13 on my FAQ, my love

[elysianslove]

AH IDK WHERE TO START 😭😭😭 I WAS PLANNING TO GIVE MY REACTION REGARDING UR PRESENT (MATTSUN REQUEST) RIGHT AWAY BUT THE MOMENT I FINISHED IT I WAS UGLY CRYING ALONG WITH MIX FEELINGS.

that fic happened to describe my biggest concern in a relationship, just any kind of relationship. its really hard for me to trust someone enough to let them enter my life and see my true self. so when im feeling comfortable with someone i could see myself giving my all, id say ill love them 110% if thats even possible. which leads to my main fear — that nobody would ever match how deep i love/care for them and i cant help but feeling unease that one day they would find me clingy bc i keep on seeking any form of love affirmation or they would just simply falling out of love — i sometimes even think that love itself has an expired date — yeah thats prob just me building such defensive wall to prevent myself from disappointment. i also sent it to my best friend and her first reaction was she asked me wether i requested for that specific plot to u or not since its really remind her of me bc we literally just talked ab that issue and how much im scared of it.

&&& what i meant to say was (sorry for the tmi/long rambles of me being hopeless romantic 😭) when i requested for a fic i expected nothing bc i know u would make a great one anyway. i thought that ur gonna make a simple yet cute bday surprise scenario but then u put it in an angsty way that i surprisingly could relate — it almost feels like a personalized fic thats made specially for me — which ig thats just a coincidance? bc i dont quite remember telling u such details of my concern..

im not even exaggerating but thats def one of the best present i received this year. that fic personally means a lot to me and it has its own place in my heart. ive been wanting that type of fic to comfort myself whenever im stressed over the whole loving-someone-too-much thoughts, which i never quite find one thats close enough for me to put on my notes app — yeah i copied that fic of urs to my notes app so it would be easier for me to read whenever i need it ,, hope u dont mind 👉🏻👈🏻

i rlly dont know what to say bc theres no word that comes near to how grateful and lucky i am receiving that but THANK U SO MUCH &&& I LOVE U not just bc u wrote that but ily bc u exist 🥺‼️ (skdnekms i might cringe myself for saying sucj cheesy line but thats a later problem 😣) im whising u the same great things u hoped for me and hv a wonderful day my love 💖

— 🐬

i really wasn’t expecting this much and this great feedback and ,,, the fact that i actually properly catered to you and wrote what you wanted and needed to read :( im so happy lovely like so so so happy that you enjoyed it and that i could make you happy on such a special day.

and about your fear, i understand. it’s a little scary giving your all to someone with no real basis of how they’ll react except your own perception of them, but when it comes to things like this, you just have to trust. if the outcome is good, then you’ll be happy. and if it’s bad, you’ll learn. you’ll pick apart the signs and notice them in other people, you’ll grow as a person, you’ll build yourself to be stronger. commitment is insanely scary, and on my part, i’m not only scared a person is going to just grow tired of me, i’m scared i’m also gonna get tired or bored of them too. nothing like this is set in stone. it’s not just what’s written for you, it’s also what you’re willing to work through, you and your partner. communication is important, in every relationship, whether that be platonic or romantic or familial. you have to learn how to trust in yourself, and in the fact that it’s okay if you love too deeply. someone will come around and love you even deeper.

i really hope i’m making sense and/or reassuring you. i love you sososo much and i wish the absolute best for you, genuinely <3 and don’t thank me!! i was so happy to write it for you, and even more to hear that you liked it this much!!

lots of kisses, mwah <3

[harrywritingsbyme]

Rn i feel lonely like i cant really talk to anyone like my parents i think know my mental health is shit but i guess they dont really know how to deal with it because when some shit happens with some other person they freak out and get mad like you dont talk and make me feel bad for not feeling great like im sorry if i could be happy i would and its the same with like eating they will be like you are getting a bit big you know watch what your eating go walk blabla bla but when i say my relationship with food is shit bc of you they get offended and make me back out and be like no im fine with food and the shitty thing is i cant leave because im too young and moving out is to expensive like broo i hate it but i guess they are concerned right?

And i hate the fact that i dont really go outside and do nice things because of the pandemic so now im just stuck with them for the last year and dont really have friends to rant to or even a bf because now i think im just this horrible person that nobody likes and deserves all the bad thing but now and then i think now im great interesting and deserve good things but i just never hold on too that thought wich sucks like i confuse myself i thought i was awfull dont think anything positive about yourself and i feel so stupid

Bbyyyyy🥺🥺🥺I’m so sorry you’re going through that with your parents!! I know how hard it can be to live with the people who don’t understand or listen to you. And that’s only intensified by not having anyone else to talk to. So I’m rlly sorry you’re going through your struggle with food and your mental health all alone. And you’re not this horrible person that nobody likes and deserves all the bad things...you deserve the absolute best babes and you just haven’t found your people yet, that’s all. But once you do, everything will fall in line and it’ll be great for you. and it can definitely be hard to stay positive, especially about yourself. I’d suggest maybe self affirmations in the morning and throughout the day to keep those positive ideas about yourself fresh in your mind so that you can feel good, even if it’s a little bit babes. But ilysm and if you ever need to talk my messages are open🥺❤️

[foolgobi65]

careful man’s careless daughter

@philtstone prompted: Anne/Gilbert babysitter au fake dating prompt #5 let’s go laydees “you have the emotional capacity of a brick. that slate I broke over  your head.” (we’re pretending people still use slates now....american schools have no money...its possible ok) 

k so i was trying to figure out how to work in the babysitter + fake dating and ... like a flash the plot to this old telugu/tamil movie i love missamma/missaimaa came to mind -- its not quite the same because they’re two people pretending to be married so that they can make money as school teachers/live in tutors for a wealthy family’s daughter but it works just enough that i decided to roll with it lol. 

this technically isn’t the actual babysitting, nor the fake dating which I actually turned into a fake marriage lol, but i hope u still like it, even though it is all over the place and a general wreck because i wrote it straight through without any editing or thought towards pacing/characterization bc i havent written in forever lol!! im not even sure what the time period setting is lol, and i dont think my translating of the anne events into a semi modern day even works but w/e lol. 

u are the truest of friends, the light of my life, and have certainly heard more than your share of my mental breakdowns both in the last month and the last few years lol. u deserve all the good things, all the good fic, all the time. 

title is a perversion of a tswift lyric because it came up on youtube. if anyone wants to send in prompts from here

---

“You owe him how much?” 

Anne sighs, crossing her legs to hide how uncomfortable she is in this moment -- here she is in the park, fifteen thousand dollars plus interest in medical debt for Marilla’s eye surgery and being hounded by Roy Gardner, ex boyfriend apparently turned loan shark who was on his knees proclaiming both love and loan forgiveness should Anne just accept his proposal. 

Here Gilbert Blythe is, sitting on a park bench after two years without contact, watching the whole thing. 

“Marilla doesn’t have health insurance,” Anne says, eyes on the ground as she uses the toe of her shoe to grind a leaf into the sidewalk cement. “Even when I was teaching, the union plan didn’t let people add parents on as dependents.” She sighs. “With everything happening with the farm, she couldn’t afford to put money towards a plan and so when her eyes got bad....” 

For a moment, there is silence. Anne can almost hear Gilbert’s jaw clench “That’s just wrong.” 

Anne laughs, and because her eyes are averted she doesn’t see Gilbert flinch. “That’s America, Blythe.” 

“Well,” she hears him say, tone just dripping with what Mrs. Rachel would call the Blythe Stubbornness, “It shouldn’t be.” 

She won’t ever admit it, but there’s something Anne has always found deeply compelling about Gilbert when he gets into these moods -- all righteously indignant in a way that Anne feels inside of her own body. Or felt, before Matthew died and left behind debts not even Marilla had known about, and Marilla’s eyes worsened around the the time Anne was let go from her teaching job and even if she had had the job it wouldn’t have mattered, she knows, but still. Beautiful, wonderful, beloved Diana had offered to help, of course she had, but Anne knew that Fred’s business wasn’t yet where it should be and that the parents Barry were still unimpressed with their son in law to be’s financial acumen. So she’d had to go to Roy, who had of course lent his beautiful Anne the money, and of course had arranged for Marilla to be treated at the best hospital in Toronto, of course had set them up in the apartment of a friend of his right in downtown where the rents were a thousand maybe two per month. He’d popped the question for the third time the second Marilla had been released back into Anne’s care. 

Almost as if he can hear her thoughts, Gilbert speaks -- “Gardner shouldn’t be harassing you like this either. Who ever heard of charging interest on a loan to a friend? And what on earth does he think he’s going to take from you if you just don’t pay?” 

Anne burns. This, she hasn’t told Marilla, nor even her darling Diana. For some reason, it seems alright to tell Gilbert. “The farm,” she mumbles.

Gilbert snorts. “I’m sorry, I must have misheard. Are you saying that Roy Gardner, heir to one of the biggest fortunes in Boston and your ex boyfriend, took your home as collateral on a loan for money you needed to pay for your mother’s surgery?” 

Anne says nothing. She still hasn’t looked up at him, hasn’t been able to meet his gaze since she sat down on the bench and told Roy to get up off his knees and wait two months for either his money or her affirmative answer. She blinks, having mercifully forgotten that Gilbert was present for that last bit. She hopes he’s forgotten too. 

“And wait, before he left you said....” No such luck. “Anne!” Anne’s sure her entire head must be flame as she closes her eyes, bringing her knees up on the park bench and burying her face into her own lap. “Anne you said you’d marry him if you couldn’t get the money!” 

“There’s no debt between spouses,” Anne mumbles. “We’d get to keep the farm, and I wouldn’t ever worry about Marilla’s health again.” 

“But you don’t love him!” She doesn’t know if she’s ever heard Gilbert sound so scandalized. 

“I used to!” she tries to retort, but even Anne knows that her voice betrays her when she tries to speak this lie. “I used to think I was,” she amends, “and maybe that’s as close as I’m allowed to get -- he’s rich, handsome, he even loves me! What more could I ask for?” 

“Coercing you into marriage, demanding interest on money that we all know is just pocket change for someone like him...that’s not love,” Gilbert Blythe responds, with all that....that all-knowing Blytheness in his voice that Anne has hated since she was 13 years old and the new kid in a class of people who had always known each other just as easily as they had known themselves. “Love is selfless, Anne, strong and kind. It makes you better for giving away your heart, even if the one you love doesn’t give you theirs in return.” 

Gilbert Blythe, always acting as if he knows something Anne does not. He speaks as if he’s been in love, at some point over the years since he was last in Avonlea and for some reason Anne absolutely burns with that knowledge. Ooh she just hates him, now at 24 just as easily as she had at 13! 

“And what exactly is love worth if it means I just lose the farm trying to pay for Marilla’s surgery, and still have nothing for the next time she’s sick?” Suddenly Anne is on her feet, hands on her hips as she glares at Gilbert looking quite alarmed as he still sits on the bench. The words she has kept locked on the inside, too private to even be written in a diary, come pouring out in one big rush:

“Three of my four parents are already dead, Gilbert Blythe.” Her voice hitches, to her horror, her sudden fury vanishes as she has to blink away the tears she has kept at bay since she and Marilla buried Matthew. Damn Gilbert, for bringing this out of her as well. “I can’t...I couldn’t bear to lose anyone else.” Her lips thin, and with a breath, her voice steadies. “I don’t care what you, or anyone else thinks about my choices if it means that I can take care of Marilla.” 

Gilbert’s eyes have the sheen of his own tears when he stands, his own lips wobbling just slightly. “I...” he swallows. “Of course, Anne.” Something Anne recognizes as self hatred passes briefly over his face, but she doesn’t understand. “I wish I had money like Gardner to give you, I really do.”   

Anne gentles, even if something inside her twists to be the object of the long-old guilt mixed with pity, much less Gilbert Blythe. Since Matthew’s death, every person in Avonlea it seems has sat with Anne and Marilla and offered their deep condolences, their absolute shock at the pair’s financial state of affairs, how much they wish they could help but sadly cannot, what with the way the bank’s collapse has hit their own finances. Only families like the Gardners survive economic crashes with money to burn. 

“I wouldn’t have taken it even if you had,” she offers instead, shrugging casually. 

His eyes flash. “But you took Gardner’s?” 

“I thought he loved me!” Anne closes her eyes, somehow feeling her cheeks flush even deeper. This is why she’s avoided all mention of Gilbert Blythe so strenuously since high school graduation, because more than anyone else he is the one who drags out the words she is always learning to keep inside. Here he is, somehow pulling confessions Anne hadn’t even dreamed of telling Diana, confessions that make her seem small, and stupid, lost in a world so much more complicated and treacherous than she can handle all on her lonesome. 

Well, she thinks, in for a penny -- 

“I thought he loved me,” she says, “and that he had the money to spare. I didn’t realize...” She looks away again, so that she never has to see him react to her folly. 

“Oh Anne,” Gilbert says, for some reason so soft and stricken that Anne’s knees go weak with her sudden desire to fall to the ground and weep. “You deserve so much better.” 

And now she’s angry again. “What would you know about what I deserve?” Anne spits, “you haven’t even been home since you started med school!” Vaguely, Anne thinks that Gilbert hasn’t been home since she and Roy had gotten serious, serious enough for her to bring him to Green Gables and show him the place that had been her very first love. Coincidences can be so strange. 

“It doesn’t matter,” she says, glaring again at the ground. “None of this matters. I’m just going to go home” Anne clenches her jaw, knowing that when she gets back to Green Gables she will go into her room and play every excruciating part of this conversation back in her head, again and again until she throws up or passes out at dawn from sheer exhaustion. Maybe both, if she’s lucky. She leans back slightly and manages to turn around on her heels, a trick Gilbert Blythe had always pulled at school and had had girls thinking he was so cool.

She’s five minutes away from the park bench when suddenly she hears him call out her name. 

“Anne,” he shouts again much closer, bending at his waist to balance his hands at his knees as he pants. “God, it really has been two years since I was on the university football team.” 

Despite the roiling emotions of five minutes ago, Anne’s lips quirk. “I can’t imagine you all practiced very much to end up near the bottom of your league every year.” 

Gilbert’s eyes widen, and for some reason he flushes. Maybe he’s so out of shape that it’s from exertion? “I didn’t realize you kept up with my matches.”  Ah. Anne, it seems, will experience nothing else but one long sustained flush as long as she is in front of Gilbert Blythe. “You know,” she tries to say casually, “you hear things here and there. Diana told me the village gossip.” 

Gilbert opens his mouth, but then suddenly shakes his head, like a dog trying to dislodge water from its fur. “I have...” he frowns. “I have a proposition for you.”  Anne raises what she hopes is an elegant eyebrow. “Oh?” 

He grimaces. “There’s a boarding school, a Catholic one, that’s asking for teachers over the summer for a few of their select students who want to be coached for college admissions. Essays, standardized tests, everything. They’ve got heaps of money, and are willing to pay salaries up front. Plus, they cover all your expenses while you’re there!” 

Anne blinks, feeling the beginnings of hope gather as kindling at the very dredges of her heart. Once, both Anne and Gilbert had competed so well against each other that they had both gotten into Harvard. Then, Matthew had died, and Anne decided she could just as easily get a teaching degree at the state school and stay closer to Marilla too. Gilbert alone had had the distinction of being the first from Avonlea to reach such heights, and had reached even higher when he had been accepted again to Harvard Medical School. 

But at one point, both Anne and Gilbert had taken their SATs. They’d both written their application essays. They’d both gotten in. Anne, even, had been offered a full ride compared to Gilbert’s only partial scholarship, so there could even be an argument that of the two, Anne had been the one on top. 

And if nothing else, Anne is even better at teaching than she was at taking tests. 

“I’ll do it,” she says firmly. “Where and when do I need to report, and how much money are they offering?”  For a second, a bright, dazzling grin paints Gilbert’s face. “Really? Ten--” he coughs, “Twenty thousand.” Anne frowns. 

“Each?” It sounds like a dream come true. Five thousand more than Anne needs, and paid upfront. She could save the farm, and put away five thousand towards the farm’s debts. “That sounds....exorbitant.”  He nods, suddenly more confident. “Yep! Twenty thousand for sure.” He laughs. “I know Gardner was supposed to be slumming it at state school, but you really can’t be surprised at how much money rich people are willing to throw at a problem.” 

“The problem being...their children.”  Gilbert’s grin turns wicked. “The problem being their children’s SAT scores, and lack of compelling anecdote to base an admission’s essay on, yes.” 

Anne laughs, wicked in this moment as well. She wishes in this moment, fiercely, as she has many times over the last few years, that she had been able to go to university with Gilbert at her side -- as the friends they had slowly begun to be after years of one and two sided enmity, before time and distance had turned them into near strangers. She doesn’t regret staying back, not really, but there is a part of her that no one had ever understood half as well as Gilbert Blythe, who had, after the Harvard interest meeting, drawn and pinned up a schedule for practice SATs that took into account both his and Anne’s often conflicting life schedules. 

“What’s the catch,” she asks, grinning when Gilbert chokes “come on, Blythe, there’s always a catch with offers like this. Is it across from a waste manufacturing plant? Is the principal a pervert?” 

Slowly, Gilbert Blythe is turning red. “Ah,” he says, shuffling like he never did even when he was an errant schoolboy. “Well,” he says, and....is that his voice cracking? 

“Gilbert,” Anne says, trying to reassure him, “I grew up in the foster system, I can handle much worse than bad smells and pervert principals, I promise.” 

He frowns. “It’s not that,” he says slowly, “but basically they’re looking for two teachers, a man and a woman to manage the boys and the girls while the rest of the staff go on vacation.” 

Anne smiles, trying to ignore the jolt of her heart at the thought of an entire summer with Gilbert, studying like they used to but as friends. Her old dreams, finally coming true. “That’s perfect then, you take one job and I’ll take the other! It’ll be like old times, kind of.” 

He smiles faintly, as if, even after locking horns with the best and brightest at Harvard, Anne is still the person he wants to be trading barbs with over the heads of high school students for months on end. “I’d like nothing better, he says, except...” 

“Except?” 

Gilbert inhales. “ExceptTheSchoolWillOnlyHireAMarriedCoupleSoThatTheyDon’tHaveToWorryAboutOutofWedlockSexorTeachersHavingSexWithStudents.” All in a rush, and now Gilbert is the one who can’t apparently handle eye contact.

“What?” 

“The school,” Gilbert says to his shoes, “since it’s Catholic, and also since they’re lazy, only want a married couple so that they don’t have to have anyone watching to make sure the teachers aren’t having sex with the students. Or each other.” 

Anne blinks. “But we’re not married!” 

Gilbert grimaces, opening his mouth, but then just biting his lip. They could be, Anne thinks, only a tad hysterical. Only all of Avonlea was matching them up all the years of high school, and even the years after until she’d met Roy. It would be so easy to get a certificate. They could get a divorce by September, even annul their marriage since they definitely wouldn’t be having sex. 

Twenty thousand dollars. 

“So what you’re saying,” Anne says slowly, her lip curling of its own accord “is that after all that talk about what love is and isn’t, and telling me that I shouldn’t marry Roy for the money he’d give me, your blockheaded solution is instead, for me to marry you?” 

Gilbert looks up. “Well when you put it that way--”  Anne sees red, even as she already sees herself in one of her old white lace dresses, standing with Gilbert at the courtroom and signing. “Gilbert Blythe I don’t believe you! Sometimes, I think that you really do have all the emotional capacity of that slate I broke over your head!” 

“I know,” he says tone heavy with something so sad that Anne’s hearten softens a bit of its own accord. “But you really need the money, and I promise we’ll get a divorce by September.” He smiles, but there’s something bitter at the corners that Anne has never seen before -- she almost raises her hand to rub the strand of emotion off his lips. “And you’re not the only one who needs the money. Will you do it?” 

Twenty thousand dollars. The farm, Marilla, an end to the eternal pity of Avonlea. And also, a small part of her suggests, an opportunity to finally spend time with this new Gilbert Blythe who went off into the world and left her behind. 

She sighs. “I vote that you be the one to tell Mrs. Lynde.” 

[sosa-sketch]

Fright or Flight: Chapter 2

Parings: Prinxiety // Logicality // Platonic LAMP

Story Summary: Virgil and Patton investigate the New Prince Castle, when a brutal accident kills Patton. Patton wakes as a ghost and meets friendly ghoul Roman, who has been haunting the castle for 20 years. Virgil is determined to bring Patton back to life and brings Logan, the ghost expert, to help him out. Time is quickly running out, and the four must work together to undo death. If only it was as simple as Logan made it sound.

Unknown to them, a secret entity in the castle does not plan on letting them succeed.

Previous Chapter   Next Chapter 

When Patton first met Virgil, his last intention was to become friends with him. Virgil had built up a notorious reputation over the first few months of school, and his grades did nothing to disprove his status. Patton wasn’t the type to judge a person’s character based on rumors nor looks. No one was a higher believer in the benefit of doubt than Patton! However, Virgil’s first impression did not help his case.

Virgil transferred into Patton’s English class the second semester due to a schedule change. When the teacher stated a new team project was to be completed, Patton did not shy away from offering to be Virgil’s partner. He understood how difficult it could be being the new kid in a class full of friends and cliques.

The project was hefty, an collection of novel analyzing, essays, vocabulary, and journal entries. Patton was not looking forward to the Shakespearean project-Shakespeare’s language was alien to him. It occurred to Patton that pairing up with the soon-to-be-dropout may not have been his best idea. Nonetheless, Patton refused to be jaded.

The first day of the project, Virgil refused to touch the work.

“There’s no way I’m touching this project.” Virgil sneered. “Especially about Shakespeare.”

“Huh?” Patton had not fully processed Virgil’s words. “Is it because you don’t understand it?”

“Sure.”

“Neither can I! I guess Shakespeare really has our brains shaken up! Maybe we can ask the teacher to go over it for us?”

The teen huffed and shook his head. Virgil laid his head on the wooden desk and his eyes slipped closed. He napped for the rest of the period.

His behavior continued for weeks. Patton had tried everything in his power to get Virgil to help him out. Patton’s seemingly endless supply of compliments and encouraging gestures served no help.

Patton’s mind had conjured countless excuses for Virgil since Virgil himself refused to give one. At the beginning the excuses had seemed feasible. Lack of sleep? Family issues? However, by week three, Patton was already scraping the bottom of the barrel, trying to justify Virgil’s dismissive attitude with clones and possible mind control. Virgil was no closer to lifting up a pencil, there were ten days left of the project, and Patton still understood little to nothing about Shakespeare. Patton was flying solo and time was ticking.

The final week before the project was due, Patton caught the flu.

Patton would chalk up the flu to the top three sucky sicknesses of his lifetime. His fever was raging, his skin drowning in sweat while the insides of him iced over. Patton couldn’t tell when being awake ended and when sleep began. The only alarm in Patton’s body was the churning in his gut that rushed him to the toilet.

Understandably, the project was the last thing on his mind.

Patton would not remember his Shakespeare mission until the Sunday before it was due, when he was shaking off the final remnants of the flu. The realization hit him like a train, but by the time he went flying off his bed and hurriedly logging on to his computer to check the time, Patton knew it was hopeless. There was no way he could get the project done in a few hours and counting. Not when all his energy was going into fighting of sneezes and headaches.

Patton was dejectedly scrolling through his email filled with newsletters from adoption sites and animal protection agencies when a subject line caught his eye: “English Project.” Linked to the email were word documents and an audio file. Perplexedly, Patton opened the email.

To: patpetspups@gmail.com

From: killjoy_2001@icloud.com

Subject: English Project

Patton,

so apparently you’ve been sick. class is way more quiet without you their, which is wierd.

i think i did everything you hadn’t done. it’s gonna be really mispelled and confusing and shit. sorry. i’m not the best with righting. feel free to fix anything.

get well soon.

-V

p.s. sorry for acting like a jerk. i owe you a explanation monday.

Patton hugged his computer screen and laugh with relief. He had no idea why Virgil was so nervous. His ideas were brilliant. A week later, Patton would see an A in his gradebook for the Shakespeare project.

There was a reason why Patton never lost faith in people.

True to his word, the next week Virgil explained his mistreatment to Patton. Virgil struggled with dyslexia. While he was getting tutoring in overcoming his learning disability, Virgil’s writing made him incredibly insecure. His old teacher always let him work individually, but the new teacher wasn’t having it. Before class, the teacher pulled him aside and told Virgil he was no different from any other student and would have to work with a partner. Virgil, determined to spite the teacher and anxious to seem like an “idiot” in front of Patton, would pretend to sleep the whole period.

“All your writing took was a quick grammar fix. The ideas were so good! I’m not just saying that to say that, they actually were! I could never think of something like that.” Patton reassured enthusiastically.

Virgil flushed a bright red. “I didn’t do much. Shakespeare is a lot easier to understand with audio.”

Patton listened to the audiobook of Macbeth that night. Virgil clearly wasn’t giving himself enough credit.

Virgil and Patton quickly grew close once the project was done. Virgil was still quiet, snappy, moody, and detrimentally insecure, but he began to open up more as the months went on. By senior year, Patton and Virgil was joined at the hip. Two peas in a pod.

Virgil had grown a lot since freshman year.

Being joined at the hip with Virgil meant that Patton got to understand Virgil by the simplest change in body language or expression. It also meant that Patton became aquatinted with anyone close to Virgil.

Patton already had a bad feeling while Virgil’s tone had shifted on the phone the night they were chatting about yearbook quotes. Remy sending Patton a text only confirmed the ball of dread in his stomach.

Rem: pat can we talk ?

Patton: You don’t even have to ask! Everything ok?

Rem: it’s about v

Rem: have you guys talked recently ? out of school

Patton: We talked last weekend. Over the phone. Why? Is Virgil fine??

Rem: idk. he came over to my house a couple nights ago at like 5 am. talked about some ghost shit.

Patton: He woke you up to talk about ghosts??(language!)

Rem: looking for affirmation that he wasn’t some obsessed ghost freak. i told him nah

Rem: but tbh he kinda is obsessed

Patton: He is passionate about his ghosts! But that’s not a bad thing.

Rem: v strongly disagrees. the whole thing about the yearbook and ghost quotes really messed with his head

Patton: I didn’t mean anything bad by it! It was just an idea! I promise! I’ll apologize to him!!!

Rem: wait no thats not what im saying. no one blames u

Rem: is he doing any ghost stuff anytime soon

Patton: Yep. He’s going to visit a castle!

Patton: Is that bad?

Rem: don’t you remember last time v became paranoid abt something? he pulled some real stupid stuff just to prove ppl wrong

Patton: Yeah. I know.

Patton: Gosh now I’m worried :(

Rem: i just dont want him doing anything he’ll regret on the trip. can u just…idk watch out for him pls ? ik v can take care of himself. but sometimes he gets into this headspace that’s self-destructive

Rem: tbh i dont like his ghost stuff as it is. i dont need him doing something dumb either

Patton: I understand Rem. That’s really sweet of you <3 <3

Patton: I’ll look out for him! I promise!!!! :-) :-)

Rem: ty. dont tell v abt this convo tho

Despite feeling uneasy about it, Patton understood Remy’s request to keep silent. Telling Virgil about their conversation would only push Virgil away and make him defensive. It’d be impossible to look out for him.

Virgil had already given Patton a way in. Patton had to talk to Logan for Virgil and get any supplies he might need. Patton loved visiting Logan in and of itself. Maybe Logan could help him out.

Logan’s business was located near small shops clustered along the beach. It was a hotspot for tourists, where knickknacks and souvenirs were sold and expensive attractions were advertised. Patton walked along here with Virgil sometimes, stopping at the arcade or mirror maze. Patton had met some of the most interesting people in the small touristy town.

Among the attractions was a dark blue shingled building with a pointy-roofed top. Painted letters on a wooden board spelt out “Afterlife Exposed.” Patton stepped through the door and a bell gently ringed, signaling his arrival.

At the sound of the bell, a tall, dark-haired man turned around. His navy suit blended in with the darkness of the shop. The man’s lean body was captivated beautifully in the suit. Patton quickly averted his eyes, blushing furiously.

“I have been expecting you-oh. Greetings, Patton. What a surprise.”

“Hi Logan!” Patton waved enthusiastically. “Who were you expecting?”

“No one. It’s a new rule Father has implemented. I must say it to every customer to ‘set the mood,’ as he calls it.” Logan dragged his hand over his face exasperatedly. “I find it quite ridiculous. But business shall be business.”

Logan’s father technically owned Afterlife Exposed. But he was always hidden in the back, gathering supplies or experimenting. Logan was currently studying entrepreneurship in college in order to take over the family business someday.

“How may I help you today, Patton?” Logan inquired, stepping around the counter to stand in front of him. He was even taller up close.

Patton filled Logan in about the New Prince Castle family murder and Virgil’s plan to investigate the castle for one of his ghost routines. Logan nodded politely the whole way through.

“I see. What an intriguing case. What exactly does he need from me?”

Patton shrugged cluelessly. “Anything you think might help, I guess.”

“What’s his budget?”

“A coffee and cake pop from Starbucks, if he uses his gift card.”

Logan rolled his eyes. “And he sent you to purchase something from here? Why, he couldn’t even afford a keychain.”

“Come on, Logan! He’s one of your most loyal customers and between us, he’s going through a rough patch. Can’t you help him out? Please?”

Logan massaged his temples and sighed. “Patton, it’s just not something the business can afford to do right now. My Father and I have been dealing with a sort of rough patch as well. You and Virgil have my sincerest apologies-truly, you do.”

Patton nodded dejectedly, “I understand.” Spotting Logan’s hesitant expression and tense form, he rested a hand on Logan’s shoulder and grinned. “Really, I do. I don’t blame you.”

Logan gave a small, tight-lipped smile in return. Gently shaking Patton’s hand off his shoulder, he clasped his hands together tightly. “Well, is there anything else I can do for you?”

“I’m not too sure.” Patton pursed his lips in thought. “Well, actually. I was wondering if you could tell me the dos and don’ts of ghost hunting. The yays and nays. The cats and dogs-actually no scratch that, both of those would be a yay.”

“With all due respect, Patton, I think Virgil has got that covered.” Logan reassured. “He must have asked me a dozen times prior to his first investigation.”

“Oh yeah, I know. It’s for me.” Patton corrected.

Logan raised an eyebrow in perplexion. Patton had never shown an interest in ghost hunting when Virgil wasn’t to be found.

Patton thought quickly. “I just want to understand more. For when I talk to Virgil. Sometimes I really don’t get half the explanations coming from the kiddo’s mouth.” It wasn’t a lie. “Just…how do you deal with ghosts?

“I see.” Logan clicked his tongue. “I’m sure Virgil could explain it to you more in depth. But, if you’re ever in doubt, chalk it up to one thing: respect. Is what you’re doing respecting the afterlife and their home? Are you portraying common courtesy? Treat them with the same respect as the living, if not more. There are exceptions, as with anything, but for the most part, that should keep you out of trouble with spirits.”

“Respect.” Patton repeated.

“You have strong morals, Patton. If you’re concerned about involvement with the afterlife due to your closeness with Virgil, I would not worry. Lack of respect is the last of your weaknesses.”

Logan pulled out his phone from the back of his pocket. “I apologize, I must return to my work. However, if you or Virgil have any more questions, feel free to give me a call.”

Patton gushed and thanked Logan, jotting down his number. Logan flushed a gentle red and held out his hand for a handshake.

“Pleasure doing business with you, Patton.”

Patton swatted Logan’s hand away and brought him in for a hug. “Thank you, Logan.”

Logan awkwardly pat Patton on the back before ungracefully untangling himself from the embrace. “I was only doing my job. Now, I understand it’s none of my business, but I recommend getting some rest. You look exhausted.”

“High school has permanently carved bags under my eyes.” Patton shook his head defeatedly.

Logan gave an amused smirk. “You sounded like Virgil.”

Patton beamed. “Like father, like son!”

Just as Patton was about to turn around to leave the store, something in the corner of the room glistened, catching his eye. “Hey Logan? Just one more thing?”

Logan hummed at him, encouraging Patton to continue.

He pointed to the object at the corner of the room. “How much can I get that for?”

 “Walkie-talkies. I sent you to Logan Berry, one of the smartest, most knowledgeable people about the afterlife in this town, and you come back with a Ghost Buster walkie-talkie.” Virgil grunted, dangling the toy by its antennae.

“You can have the Casper the Ghost one instead.”

“What? No! Ghost Busters is better, anyway.” Virgil groaned. “That’s not the point. How about advice? Did Logan say anything?”

“Just to respect the ghosts. Have common courtesy. Which you better be doing anyway, even without Logan telling you to do so.”

Virgil threw his hands up in exasperation and fell down into his sofa as the cushions engulfed the skinny man. “Obviously I respect them! The last thing I need is coming home possessed and cursed! He knows I know that. That’s really all he said?”

“Besides giving us his number.” Patton confirmed. “Which I already gave you.”

Virgil grumbled. “Whatever. One day I’ll get enough money to- wait. The walkie-talkies. There’s no way you could have bought them with my money, I would not have had enough. Please don’t tell me…”

Virgil got a glance of Patton’s sheepish look and groaned. “Patton, we have a rule! No buying each other anything!” He buried his head in his hands. “I can’t pay you back. You know that.”

“Hey…” Patton took a seat next to Virgil and laid a comforting hand on his knee. “It’s okay. They weren’t expensive. You don’t have to pay me back.”

Virgil looked at Patton in between his fingers. His voice was muffled against his palms. “You know how I feel about that, Pat.”

“Virgil, come on.” Patton pleaded.

Virgil shook his head. “Thank you. But, you need to return them.”

Guilty silence settled among the two, but neither made a move to leave. Both were lost in their own worlds when an idea struck Patton.

He nudged Virgil. “I know a way for you to pay me back without money.” At Virgil’s unimpressed look, he protested, “Seriously! It would mean a lot more to me than whatever these walkie-talkies cost.”

“Yea?” Virgil lifted his head from his hands. “What is it?”

Patton stared at Virgil’s stormy eyes as his heart pounded. In all honesty, this was the last thing Patton wanted to do. He was terrified. But, he thought back to the conversation he had with Remy, and the last time Virgil did something senseless unsupervised due to paranoia. “I want to go ghost hunting with you. At the New Prince Castle.”

Virgil’s jaw dropped. His eyes darted around Patton’s face before he shook his head and gave a weak chuckle. “Sure, Pat. Whatever you say.”

“No, I’m serious!” Patton insisted. “I’ll respect the ghosts and do whatever you tell me to do!”

Virgil was dismissing Patton before he could finish his sentence. “No, no, no. You hate ghost stories, Pat! Especially ones that are spooky and gruesome. You’d hate ghost-hutning. It’s dark and there’s lots of weird noises and tons of spiders. No way. I’m not adding more guilt to my conscience.”

Virgil made a move to get up from the sofa, but Patton refused to let the conversation drop. He grabbed Virgil’s hand and pulled him back to the seat. Virgil landed with a clumsy thump.  

“Kiddo, I know I hate all those things. I’m sure I’ll be scared. But, you’ll be there too! I love you more than I hate all those things combined.”

“Patton, we can do something else together. Go to the movies. Or bowling. Normal teen stuff.” Virgil reasoned.

Patton retorted, “But ghost hunting is important to you.”

“It’s not that important. It’s a simple hobby. I don’t care that much about it.” Virgil cut off.

“I know, I know!” Patton quickly backtracked. “What I meant was that ghost-hunting has been a cool way for us to bond. It intrigues you-a perfectly normal amount-and I like seeing you happy! Just like you go walking with me along the shops by the beach even though it’s super crowded and you hate it.”

“Patton, what’s your point?” Virgil grilled.

“My point is I want to try this thing that you enjoy with you. Just like you try things for me. It’s senior year, Virgil. No one hates thinking about it more than me, but we don’t know what things are going to be like after high school. I want to find a husband, start a family. Maybe study veterinary science. You could have a publisher for your writing, become a famous author, and move. I want to do this with you. I want to get over my fear.”

Patton stared at Virgil hopefully and held out his hand. “What do you say? One more big adventure for the dynamic duo?”

Virgil stared at Patton, looked down and roughly shook his head, froze, then stared at Patton once more. Virgil’s foot rapidly tapped against the floor, creating a dizzy, distracting melody. Finally, Virgil pulled his hair and glared at Patton. “You’ll be careful?”

Patton nodded eagerly.

“And you’ll stick with me no matter what? At all times? I want you in my sight.”

Virgil dramatically groaned, closing his eyes and throwing his head back. “I guess you can come.”

Patton shot up from his seat, whooping with joy and hopping around the sofa. “Thank you, Virgil! Thank you! We’re going to have such a great time!”

Virgil peeked one eye open and gave a soft grin. “Yeah, I guess we are. You’re sure you wanna do this?”

“Never been more sure of anything in my life besides my love for you and cats! I pinkie swear it.”

Patton and Virgil intertwined pinkies before Patton winked and let go, embracing Virgil.

“Let your moms know you’re going to be gone for the weekend.” Virgil smirked. “We have a haunted castle to explore.”

[fairycosmos]

hey so im 17 and i have a lot of acne on my face and stuff and like. a lot of it is bc im very anxious so i end up picking at my face and sometimes i don’t have enough energy to shower/wash my face as much as i should and i Know celebrities aren’t a fair metric but like.......i realized that im really one of the only girls in my grade that still has bad acne?? and i just feel. ugly?? my face is always cover it acne and red spots?? like i don’t think other people w acne are ugly but. hhhhh.

hey man me too!! i have pretty bad acne on my face/sometimes on my shoulders and i completely understand how much it can impact your self esteem. the main cause of it is probably your hormones since you’re 17 and they’re still out of wack, you know? it’s really a very common, every day thing. it’s probably going to calm down as you get older. while it may seem like the other girls in your year have it all figured out, they’re dealing with puberty and adolescence in the same way that you are. you only see a very surface level impressions of their lives, so comparison is pointless. but look, if you’re noticing small details in your routine that you know you need to improve upon, then using that self awareness and actually acting on it is the next step. obviously acne is literally nothing to be ashamed of at all, and it’s as normal as body hair and moles and other natural human occurrences. but if it’s having a massively negative effect on your mental well being, then that’s the only reason you should want to work on it - as a form of self care. do a little bit of research about the type of skin that you have. once you know, see if you can try out a cleansing solution that works for your skin. dont use harsh or heavily scented products. you have may have to try out a few different things to find a good one. see if you can get into some sort of routine. it literally can begin with doing it once a week, and sometimes you may not even manage that, and that’s alright. as long as you’re trying, you’re doing well enough. if that feels like too much, maybe you could try facial cleansing wipes instead, they’re significantly more convenient. and idk what the healthcare situation is like where you live, but asking your doctor to refer you to a dermatologist is also an option you could consider with your parents, if that’s at all possible. i’m thinking of doing it myself. seeing a specialized consultant and taking personalized advice can do wonders, you know? the only other manageable thing is your diet. try your best to make healthy choices and make the conscious choice to drink more water. 

it’s very cool that you can recognize that acne doesn’t make others ugly. you can use that to understand on a more realistic level that it doesn’t detract from your looks, either. if you’re prone to low self confidence, then your mind will amplify the problem and make it into a bigger deal than it actually is. while i think it’s completely pointless to worry about beauty when it’s such a subjective and fleeting thing, when it doesn’t have anything to do with who you are, i completely understand why you feel the way you do. because i’m in the same boat. and i hate myself for hating the way i look, but i still do. and it’s because we’ve both been conditioned into believing in a completely unobtainable ideal, right? that’s just the truth. so if we can accept that fact, then we can realize that there is always going to be something we’re unhappy with when it comes to our bodies. because that’s what we’re taught, so they can make money off of our self hatred. you could have perfect skin and you’d still have insecurities. you can try all of the things i listed above, and still have acne. so my point is, a stable sense of self love/self appreciation has to transcend your body and the way it looks. this is deeper than your skin. to find true comfort you have to actively work on being okay with who you are every day. use self affirmations, notice all of your good traits and the fact that they haven’t disappeared just cause you have spots. try not to commodify yourself and your body. you’re not for consumption, you don’t owe the world a level of perfection that isn’t even real. you know there’s no wrong way to exist. so, try to practice complete self acceptance in the quiet moments you spend alone. even if you feel stupid doing it at first. you can have acne and still look in the mirror and be happy with what you see. next time you stare at your reflection, try to find three positive things about it. force yourself to. fight the urge to fixate on something that is out of your hands. as a side note, it’s also always good to remember that we focus on our own flaws 1000x more than anyone else does. it’s definitely more noticeable to you than it is to others. they’re too busy worried about themselves, and how they look, just like you are.

i think it’s also worth noting that the two things you’re worried about - not having the motivation to wash your face, and picking at your skin - are symptoms of more serious, complex issues that you need to get help with before you worry about anything else. of course, idk the details of what’s going on and i’m not trying to assume anything. but when you’re dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil/mental stress, and you’re keeping it all bottled up inside, it’s very common for it to manifest in physical habits/ticks. you need to confront the root causes of your anxiety/your mental exhaustion, because the rest is just a symptom of that. get to the heart of the problem, instead of trying to deal with the consequences of it first. if you haven’t done so already, i’d really recommend talking to your doctor or maybe a school counselor or your parents about what’s happening. i know it sounds like the worst idea in the world, and i know it feels a lot more complex than that, but you genuinely don’t have to deal with this all by yourself. your brain wants you to believe that you need to stay quiet so you’re easier to control, but in reality, that’s not the case. there is support available. there is a way to make this all feel lighter, and to cope in a healthier way. and yeah, it’s a bit embarrassing to talk about what’s going on in your head. you dont even have to want to do it. you just have to try to accept it as a viable option. please don’t let your head talk you out of considering it, okay? you can’t control the circumstances you find yourself in but you honestly can control how you cope with them. anyway i’m sorry this is so long and i really hope you’re able to find some confidence and peace of mind soon. you deserve it. let me know if you need a friend or someone to talk to, i’ll be here.

[imjustyouraveragenoone]

why u sucked

since my mind keeps replaying all the reasons u were perfect, here are the reasons u were fucking far from it.

1. ur ex drama. u dumped me for ur ex, then u realized that she was not right for u so u hit me up again. u got jealous that ur best friend was hitting me up and made sure to put an end to that really fast by making moves on me while u were still w ur ex. then u talked to me for a good period to follow thru on ur own ego problems and then proceeded to hook up w ur ex. who the actual fuck does this. stick to ONE u absolute manwhore. if u were so in love with ur ex why would u flirt with me while u guys were together, if u were so in love with me why would u hook up with her while we were talking. u literally just dont care about anyone but ur motherfucking self and it took me way too long to realize it, it took me my literal parents having to split us up for me to see the damage u did. 

2. u never made any effort to come see me. everything was on ur schedule, if u didnt want to hang out with me, u would go off. if u were horny, u would stay on. no explanations needed. if u felt like opening up, u would. otherwise, just pictures of ur eyebrow. i was constantly the one running around in circles trying to make this work. i decided to come see u in the morning, i would be the one who would come stand by ur friends at the end of the day, u never would fucking ask me to. unless, of course, it was whether u could come over to fuck. then, you would ask without any hesitation and beg and plead and do everything in ur power to make it work. don’t think i ever saw that effort in any other aspect of our relationship, hmmmmmm. no sentimental gifts or cute texts. u literally did the bare minimum and for some fucking reason i idealized u for it. mostly because i thought that most girls wouldnt even be lucky enough to get the bare minimum from u, and im prolly right. like u fucked me up SO BAD that one day u were telling me abt some girl u ghosted and my fUCKED UP MIND ACTUALLY WENT “WOW I MUST BE SPECIAL SINCE HE NEVER GHOSTED ME. MUST MEAN THAT HE ACTUALLY LOVES ME.” TF??????????????????????? mental issues. 

3. u literally sent me essays about not trusting me and all this shit that made me think that u were breaking up with me the DAY of my sat and then claimed u forgot i had to take it that day. i woke up in such a panic thinking that u were trying to dump me the day of the most important test of my literal life. why the fuck would anyone do that. why. i knew every date of ur physics tests, i knew what was going on in ur life, even finding out things from ur sister because i wanted to know. u just didnt even care at all. like ik u prolly actually did forget but if i was even important to u u would not of ever forgot in the first place. 

4. the constant dumping. dude, if ur just gonna constantly pull that shit for u to fulfill some insecurity in ur head and make u feel like u have the power in the relationship, u need help. im sorry that all ur exes were downright obsessed with u and u never had to wonder if u were the one who cared less in the relationship, but just because i didnt do that doesnt mean that u can just keep tryna dump me to affirm ur power struggles. 

5. blaming ur own shortcomings on ur broken past. i dont doubt it, but letting ur past define u is not taking u anywhere and ur just gonna end up stuck in ur own cycle of not dealing with ur problems.

6. the literal lack of any kind of ambition, drive and hard work ethic. u work hard to appear cool, to get girls, to get drugs, to do all this unnecessary shit, why u cant put that effort into simple homework assignments so ur not FAILING a class, i will never know. 

7. u had every right to get mad at me for being friends with ishan or whatever but i dont fucking think i have ever called u out for being best friends with every single ex u have ever had in fact i trust u so much i dont care that u spend literally 90% of ur time with at least one girl that u have had history with whether its roopa, khushi, and many more that i havent heard abt yet.

8. u hooked up w roopa. bruh. thats just disgusting and u know it. 

9. u always came for ME about hearing things from other ppl abt what i was up to. UM. UM??????? do u KNOW the shit i heard about u but didnt even confront u because i trusted u THAT much. lmaoooooo looking back u were a fucking clown for even bringing up that argument. sure, i was far from perfect and i made some questionable choices, but bruh so did YOU. 

10. u rlly tried to hit it without a condom. are u fucking retarded. imagine if i got pregnant. forget my parents literally kicking me out. imagine the atrocity of my kids having YOU as a father. nightmare shit..

11. u were so fucking emotionally distant that i literally took every small BARE MINIMUM nice thing u did and fucking RAN with it. looking back its so clear that u rlly didnt do anything special, u didnt say anything special, u did not do anything to prove u loved me. all u were good at was empty words to string me on because we both know that saying shit takes no effort and ur all about that no effort lifestyle. like now that im thinking about it..... what have u done for me? what have u done? said i love you, texted me a shit ton when u were horny, said a bunch of future shit and made me laugh. wow u fulfilled the basic requirements of a relationship, and since u have a nice little reputation for being an asshole, i took that as a WOW HE MUST RLLY LOVE ME. thats actually so sad that i lowered my standards THAT much just so that i could be with u.

12. u made me cry and feel so low for so much of the relationship and i rlly dont understand why i thought we were so perfect. the lows we had were downright unacceptable and u never were able to truly put ur pride aside to tell me how u felt about me besides when we were fighting or u felt like u were losing me and thats how i know that the love we had mightve been genuine or whatever, but its not the love i deserve. 

7 months wasted, lowkey grateful my parents pulled me outta that shit bc i never would have had the mental strength to do it and we prolly woudlve ended up breaking up in like a few months bc u hooked up w some unc charlotte hoe or something. yikes. what u have been up to post-relationship is neither my business nor something i have a right to be upset about so im not gonna go off on u for that because i rlly dont have the mental space to care abt what ur up to now. 

my next lover better be someone who isnt fucking scared to show that they care about me, someone that respects me, someone that isnt selfish and obsessed with using girls to fill their own shortcomings. love shouldnt be a constant power struggle and i should never have to wonder whats going on in ur life. ur supposed to KNOW what ur boyfriend is up to. its part of a relationship. so fuck u for making me drop my standards to such comical levels. 

[solienna]

🐰✨🍼🌸🍰🍯🍃🌧️🎄🎶💘 (i ask but i feel like the answers are cowboys, frogs, and a pretty dagger) 💅🏻 ⛅

🐰do you believe in soul mates?            ur probably gonna find this pretty entertaining considering my absolute adoration of soulmate AUs, but i actually don’t believe in soulmates

✨which fictional character (book, show, or movie) do you relate to most?             i don’t know about what character i relate to MOST, but i did read this book this weekend called Warrior of the Wild by tricia levenseller and the main character was so much like me it was JARRING, i kept having to put the book down and be like calm down adri….. settle down, being known isn’t so terrifying u can lay your sword down. IT DIDN’T HELP THAT THE BOOK’S SETTING WAS VERY SKYRIM-ESQUE, like that book was SO FAR up my alley lmao, if u get the time to read it i highly recommend it my love!! it was a really nice experience, i haven’t read an actual book for fun in like…. probably a few years

🍼what is your favorite memory?               huh. i dunno if i really have a favorite single memory. but i think one of my favorite string of memories is the trip i went on with my mom to new york city for a couple of days. from start to finish it was so incredible and i love thinking about all the good times the two of us had. it was so GREEN there and all the water and the rain and all the different people… it was incredible. and then seeing hamilton on broadway… i’m still losing my mind over it. the BEST moment of the entire musical was during “the room where it happens,” the guy who played aaron burr was AMAZING and he just commanded the stage during his moment of self-revelation at the end of that song, i was literally transfixed by him, esp since i see a lot of myself in burr AND LIKE. i probably shouldn’t have but i felt so empowered seeing him take the stage like that and sing so loud and proud and like that. i still get excited every time i think about it. i guess that classifies as my favorite memory then

🌸what is your favorite flower?                uhhhh i don’t really have one? lotus flowers are really pretty though, i guess i’ll go with that

🍰strawberry or vanilla?                 hmmm…… strawberry

🍯describe your favorite smell                 OK WAIT i really like the smell after/before it rains here in the desert, it smells so good and it makes me sad it doesn’t rain more often. BUT IM GOING TO DERAIL THAT THOUGHT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. i know i told u about my aloe vera socks before, they smell really good and theyre my favorite pair of socks and all that. OK WELL…. i don’t know WHICH DOG did it but a HOLE has been chewed through the heel of one of the socks and wearing them is really uncomfortable now bc my left heel is just…. out there. it happened like a week ago and both snickers and buddha were in the house at the time so like…. idk who the culprit is but im MAD

 🍃 would you rather live in a sea with mermaids or a forest with fairies?              OH THE FOREST ALL THE WAY. do u know how green forests are? i would be so happy

🌧️favorite thing to do on rainy days?              i think i told you about this before but since my house is on a slope, whenever it rains there’s this huge river of rainwater rushing down the side of the street and my favorite thing is to go out there with my dad and stand in that water while it rains, kicking water at each other and running back to the sidewalk whenever cars come by (i live on a busy street so pretty often). we only do it at nighttime and i always take my glasses off so the lenses don’t get smothered with raindrops, and my vision is pretty bad so the city lights are always like pretty blurry dots, and all around it’s just really nice

🎄what is your favorite holiday?              hm. idk im not too big about holidays? i guess i kinda like thanksgiving and christmas?

🎶favorite song right now?               If You Think I Will Limit Myself To One Song Meander You Are A Fool. i think my favorites right now are high hopes by panic! at the disco, eight by SaL, and low life by x ambassadors

💘3 ways to win your heart?                 LMAO MEANDER u were pretty spot on there with ur prediction so now i feel obligated to list other ways to win my heart. tbh i’m really big on touch? like i’m pretty sure the main way i express love is through touch so like. having that touch reciprocated always makes me really happy. the second way perhaps would be thru affirmation? i like to be reminded that i’m enough i guess. i really like unexpected compliments. the third and most important way to my heart of course would be to give me a full suit of body armor 

💅🏻do you like being spoiled?              LMFAO YEAH…..  a little bit……….. listen…… as the youngest child and the only daughter and a really hard worker i kinda……. get my way a little too much……. this is why i need to practice humility meander you dont UNDERSTAND

⛅what is your morning routine?              uhh well i don’t really have a morning routine for the weekends so i guess i’ll go with school days. if i finished my hmwk from the night before i wake up at like…. 6:30ish? and take a 10-15 minute shower, get dressed, dry my hair, let snickers outside (he sleeps in my room overnight), brush my teeth, and leave the house at like…. 7:20ish to get to my morning CS class at 7:30 (my school is a 2-3min drive away from my house). if i didn’t finish my hmwk from the night before, it’s the same routine except i wake up at like 4:30ish and do my hmwk for the next 2 hours