#<- I'm on a hundred followers now so like that doesn't matter anymore

[martitheevans]

I am perfectly fine with being that one blog you randomly followed for some reason and just get a load of stuff that has nothing to do with what you followed me for on your dash

[silent-stories]

𝐌𝐘 𝐄𝐃𝐃𝐈𝐄

Pairing: Eddie x F!Reader

Summary: Eddie has to meet your parents and he really wants them like him. That's why, for the first time, he's trying to be someone he's not.

The trailer was calm and silent and night had already fallen for several hours but Eddie seemed to find no peace, tossing and turning in his bed, next to you.

"Ed?" You whispered, reaching out a hand towards him and resting it on his shoulder trying to somehow calm him down with just your touch. "Are you okay?"

Eddie turned to you, resting his head on the pillow and staring at you with his big brown eyes that glittered in the dark. "Yeah. Just..." He paused emitting a sigh. "It doesn't really matter."

"It matters if it worries you enough to not let you sleep." You brushed a strand of his messy hair out of his face before speaking again, your tone was kind and calm. "Talk to me, please."

"I'm just nervous." He muttered.

You thought about whether he had any important tests in the next few days. "Nervous about what?"

"For tomorrow night." He admitted before closing his eyes like he was accepting defeat and sinking the side of his face into the pillow a bit more.

You finally understood. The following day, Eddie was coming to your house for dinner to meet your parents, and although he'd been trying to hide his anxiety all day, he was finally admitting his fears.

"What if they don't like me?" He murmured as you leaned in to drop a few comforting kisses on his cheek. "What if they hate me and decide they don't want you to stay with a freak like me anymore?"

"Hey, stop." You said before planting another kiss on his temple causing Eddie to chuckle. "They are gonna like you. They are gonna absolutely love you, okay?"

"How do you know that?" His hand was slowly caressing your back, his arm encircling your waist keeping you close to him.

"Because I like you and absolutely love you."

Eddie sighed. "I don't know..." He wasn't referring to the sincerity of your feelings but to the possible reaction of your parents.

"I do" You said, sure. "Eddie, you are lovely, kind, funny and sweet. They'll see that, trust me."

Eddie stayed silent for a moment, you could hear an owl hooting through the thin glass of the window of his room.

"I'm scared." He said finally, his gaze meeting yours again.

A sad smile appeared on your face. "My boy." You whispered as you pushed him towards you, making him rest his head on your chest. "It's okay, baby. They'll like you, I promise."

Eddie slowly nodded, now it was your time to run your hand up and down his back, between his shoulder blades, to reassure him.

After less than twenty minutes, he fell asleep and a light snore coming out of his mouth from time to time.

You, unlike Eddie, weren't nervous about the meeting with your parents because everything you said to reassure Eddie was true: you'd told your parents so much about him that it was as if they already knew him and when you described him to them you always talked about how he really was, how you saw him and not what other people thought of him.

They really wanted to meet him for the first time and already loved him. To them, he was part of the family just like you were to Uncle Wayne.

Finally, you fell asleep too.

Eddie paced nervously up and down his room, occasionally glancing at the clock. He had to be at your place in two and a half hours, his hands were already sweating and the floor was covered with possible clothes to wear which he couldn't decide between.

He was grateful that the night before you had tried to reassure him saying that your parents would love him, but his mind was still clouded with hundreds of doubts and fears.

Try as you might, you couldn't really understand how he felt.

Eddie had been there before. Whenever he went to his friends' house when he was younger, when their parents saw the way he dressed, when they listened to the music Eddie liked, when they found out his father was in jail and Eddie would probably become like him.

Each time his friends said their parents didn't want Eddie to come back, sometimes they said they didn't want their kids to be friends with someone like that anymore.

Eddie walked over to the nightstand and took off his rings and the chain bracelet on his wrist, the skull and the cross clattered against each other as they fell on the wood of the nightstand.

Then, with a towel found in the bathroom, he removed the remnants of the black polish on his nails, a slight smile appeared on his lips at the memory of when, a week before, you had painted his nails leaving a kiss on every knuckle.

For once he just wanted to be liked. He didn't want them to think he was weird, that he was someone you needed to stay away from.

He dropped the chain with the pick next to the rings and took off the Black Sabbath shirt he was wearing, leaving it in the pile of clothes next to the bed.

Eddie was just so scared. He was scared that when they saw him they'd look at him with the same expression everyone looked at him at school, with the same expression Jason Carver had when he yelled "freak" at him every time he purposely bumped into him in the hallway.

He was afraid of losing you.

Eddie put on a shirt that covered up any tattoos on his arms and then pulled his hair up like he's never done before. He removed the skull bandana he kept in his back pocket, his chain and his belt.

He looked in the mirror wondering who the person in the reflection was.

It wasn't himself and he didn't like him.

But maybe your parents would have done it.

When Eddie knocked at your door and your mom went to open, you almost didn't recognize him.

He was wearing a white shirt that you've never seen before, not even in his closet, so it must have been something Wayne wore when he was young or a new purchase, and light blue jeans, probably the only pair he owned that weren't ripped.

It was weird not to see him wearing at least one black thing and without a shirt of some metal band.

"It's so nice to finally meet you!" Your mom smiled shaking his hand and letting him into the house.

When he introduced himself saying his name was "Edward" you didn't know whether to burst out laughing or yell at him.

"You are not what I imagined." Your father commented.

"I could say the same." You said through your teeth, staring at him in disbelief.

He wasn't your Eddie.

It wasn't the first time he'd wore his hair up, sometimes you even styled them that way when he asked you to but this time there wasn't even a hair out of place or a strand sticking out of his bun.

His hand felt almost naked, without rings and bracelets.

"It's a pleasure to meet you." He said, politely.

He was too composed. Too fake.

He didn't talk much during dinner and it wasn't like him. Every time you went to eat with him and Wayne, Eddie was always talking about everything that was on his mind, ideas for his next campaign, songs he was writing and books he planned to read.

This time, he was so quiet it was almost scary.

He wasn't your Eddie.

And the fact that, for the first time, he was trying to be different than who he really was just to please your parents was heartbreaking.

Halfway through dinner you decided you'd had enough and suddenly leapt out of your chair. "Eddie, we need to talk."

He looked at you with the expression of a child who gets caught doing something he shouldn't do, before following you into your bedroom, his head lowered so as not to meet your parents' gaze.

You closed the door behind you, finally finding yourself alone with Eddie.

"So... what the fuck is that?" You asked as Eddie sat on the edge of your bed with a sigh.

"That what?" He mumbled, but he knew what you were referring to.

"All of that." You pointed to his entire body with your hand and he ducked his head, embarrassed and dejected.

"I just wanted to make them like me." He whispered as you crouched down in front of him so you could see his face, placing a hand on his knee. "For once I wanted them to accept me and not think there is something wrong with me. I was afraid that after seeing me they would have told you to stay away from someone like me. Please don't me mad at me."

"Eddie, I'm not mad at you, I could never be mad at you... but this is not the guy I fell in love with." You waited a moment for a reaction from him that didn't come, then you continued talking. "I fell in love with a guy who's always talking, who sometimes even yells beacuse he's so passionate about what he's talking about. A guy who wears bands t-shirts and would rather be burned alive than conform to the crowd. Of a guy who's trying to save money to get another tattoo, not trying to hide the ones he already has by wearing long sleeves."

Eddie remained silent, you reached out your arm and, when your hand found the back of his head, you loosened his hair which fell over his shoulders in a cascade of brown curls.

"I fell in love with a sweet boy that is also a mess. And doesn't try to be perfect to please others."

You ran your fingers through his hair, making it regain its usual volume.

When he finally looked up and met your gaze, you placed your hands on the sides of his face and your thumbs caressed his cheeks.

"Whoever was that guy who walked through my door tonight, he wasn't my Eddie. The serious, composed guy who barely said a word during dinner was not my Eddie."

That was the first moment his lips hinted at a smile.

"Eddie, I love you. I love you because you are you."

He placed a hand on your back and gently pushed you towards him, making your lips meet in a way that said "I love you too", dropping you onto the bed almost on top of him, causing you both to chuckle against each other's mouths.

"I'm sorry" he whispered, you could feel his breath on your skin. "I ruined everything."

"You didn't ruin anything." You reassured him. "Just my sight when you showed up with that awful bun." You added jokingly, bringing your hand to play with his locks.

Eddie laughed, lying on his back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. You lay down next to him.

"Really, they already like you anyway. I talk about you all the time it's is almost annoying."

"Really?"

"Really."

"So can we do it again?"

"Do it again?" You raised your eyebrows.

"I have my real clothes in the car."

"No way."

He chuckled. "I was unsure until the last moment. I have everything in the car, leather jacket, Black Sabbath t-shirt, chains, rings. Everything."

"Get the fuck out of here and change your clothes!" You pushed him out of bed as he burst out laughing.

God, you loved that sound.

"Do you want me to change in the car? Do you want to expose me to the possibility of your neighbors seeing how handsome your naked boyfriend is?"

You huffed. "I'll go get your damn clothes." You got out of bed, gesturing at the shirt she was wearing. "You can burn those."

You crossed the dining room, heading to Eddie's van when you stopped to notice your parents were giving you a questioning look.

"I'm going to get his real clothes and then we'll do it all over again, okay?"

They looked at each other for a moment without understanding but then nodded.

Before leaving, you stopped again.

"And for the love of God, call him Eddie."

When he came back to your parents, finally looking like your Eddie, you were holding his hand. He hadn't asked you to do it but you knew he needed it at that moment because as soon as your palm met his, his fingers immediately intertwined with yours.

"Oh, now you look so much more like the guy my daughter is always telling me about!" Your mom commented when she saw him standing in the dining room.

She was not mad, she was not disappointed. Eddie hinted a smile.

He shook hands with your parents for the second time that night. "Eddie Munson, I'm an idiot and I don't know how I ended up with a wonderful girl like your daughter."

You all laughed and you kissed his cheek.

That was definitely your Eddie.

He sat at the table, he still had a dessert to eat and a lot of things he wanted to talk about.

Tags: @jacklesdeanvessel @morning-sky7 @pipsqueakkitten @navs-bhat @michaelfuckinglangdon

[natti-ice]

Wrong Decade- Sirius Black.

Pairing: Sirius Black x Fem!Reader

Summary: During their school days Sirius wasn't into Y/N, when he realizes he was wrong he was too late. A 10-year reunion might change the past

Warnings: mentions of rejection and divorce (4.3k words), I’m sorry it’s in third person (she/her pronouns used)

Author’s note: this is a reupload, I wrote this a while ago!

Reblogs and comments are greatly appreciated<3

"Does this outfit look okay?" Y/N asked her friend as she checked herself out in the mirror

A taller brunette sitting on her bed looked up from her book. She put her book down walking up to the mirror "You look great, I promise. Don't worry, I know he'll say yes" her friend assured her.

"What if he doesn't?" Y/N questioned nervously, her heart had been racing all morning. Today she was going to ask out Sirius Black, they aren't the closest friends but they talk a few times a week. She's had the biggest crush on him since they first met first year in defense against the dark arts. 

"Then it's his loss, dear." She said as she fixed the collar of Y/n's shirt. "Now c'mon, Mcgonagall will kill us if we're late again." Y/N grabbed her bag and headed out the door behind her friend. 

She had put off doing this for so long because she was scared he wouldn't like her back. Sirius was notorious for only dating the most popular girls in school. Y/N wasn't popular but she was known around school. She didn't come from money and she didn't like how people were treated differently because of their social status. She tried her best to treat everyone the same way no matter what. 

6th year is almost over and she can't keep waiting for him to say something. She has to get over her fears and go for it, she won't let the fear control her anymore. 

-

She had been waiting all day for this moment, she and Sirius only shared one class. Potions, the last class of the day. She had been on edge all-day hundreds of scenarios playing in her head, everything that could go wrong. Pushing all those nerves down, she walked into the classroom. A few students were scattered around the class, she tried to get there as early as she could. Much to her surprise, the Marauders were already in the classroom.

They were normally some of the last people to show up, She wasn't sure why they were there so early. She walked over to her table and sat her bag down. She hesitated walking over to him, everything in her said don't do it. She argued with the voice in her head, she had to do it now or it would never happen. 

She took a deep breath before heading toward their table, keeping her head high as she was afraid if she looked down she would trip. The four boys were in a conversation it must've not been that important because once she arrived at the table all their attention was on her. It was nerve-racking but she kept a smile on her face trying to act as natural as possible. 

"Hey Y/N/N, how are you today?" Remus asked

"I'm doing just fine, thanks" she smiled at the boy, she really wanted to get this over with

"Sirius?" She asked

"Yes?" The longer-haired boy looked up from the paper he was doodling on, a small smile played across his lips. 

Oh my, he's beautiful she thought to herself, shaking that thought from her head she continued the conversation

"Can I talk to you for a sec?" her voice steady 

"Um sure, love" he hesitated at first, he stood from his stool and followed her to a more quiet part of the class

The remaining boys gave each other questioning looks. Anytime Sirius ever spoke to Y/N the other boys were around so it was odd for them to be on their own. 

The two stood there in silence for what felt like an eternity, just looking at each other. Y/N's mind had gone blank, she didn't think she'd get this far. 

"Did you need something?" Sirius asked pulling her out of her trance

"Huh? OH, yeah" She fidgeted with her ring as she prepared herself for what she was about to say. "I was wondering, would you like to go out this weekend... like a date" she made it through without stuttering, an awkward smile on her face poorly masking her nerves

Sirius' eyes slightly widened, he didn't expect Y/N to be this straightforward. 

Y/N's heart was racing in her ears as she waited for his response. Her smile faded quickly as he spoke

"Y/N I'm sorry, but we're just friends. I hope I didn't lead you to believe differently. I'm sorry" he said with a pitied look 

Her heart broke, the worst thing that could happen just happened. She had to get out of this situation fast. 

"Oh, don't worry about it. I get it, sorry to bother you." She walked off before he could speak again

James noticed her change in body language as she went back to her table. Sirius rejoined the boys and didn't say anything about what happened, he just went back to scribbling on his paper. 

-

Later that night at dinner, the boys were in their usual seats eating while talking about random topics. James looked around the room and noticed Y/N wasn't in her usual spot. He took this opportunity to ask his friend what happened earlier

"Mate" he nudged Sirius with his shoulder getting his attention

"hm?" he responded as he had food in his mouth

"What happened today with Y/N?" he asked casually

He swallowed before speaking "She asked me out" he said nonchalantly 

This caused the others to freeze in place, they looked around at each other seeing who will speak first. 

"What did you tell her?" Peter spoke up

"I said no" 

"WHAT?" the three said in unison

"What? She's not my type" Sirius explained 

"Sirius, are you joking? That girl has been in love with you for ages, we all know you're perfect for each other" James looked at his friend like he was crazy

"No, she hasn't. I just don't think we'd be a good fit together, she's not really what I go for" He didn't want to hurt her feelings but he just didn't think she met what he wanted. Honestly, he didn't know what he wanted. He knew he was an attractive person and he knew that girls were attracted to him. As much as he hated sticking to the status quo, he seemed to always go for the girls who fit the beauty standard. 

"Not your type? what, pretty and stupid?" Remus scoffed 

"Hey I'm not saying Y/N's not pretty it's just, I don't think what people will think about me if we were together" he defended himself

"Aright, it's your life" James concluded before they went back to their original conversation

-

June 30th, 1978

The last day of school, 7th year. 

Y/N was packing her trunk for the last time before she left Hogwarts, as much as she loved the place she was excited to start her future. The last year had been fairly normal, she had taken the year to get over Sirius. She thought she was silly for even entertaining the idea that they could ever be together. She knew how he was and just ignored it. It kinda helped that he hadn't spoken to her since the previous year. 

She knew it was for the best, if she didn't worry about some dumb boy she could focus on who she was going to be in life. She planned on going to a muggle university as her mother did and study law. 

She gave one last look at her dorm, where she spent the last seven years of her life. She casted a spell to have her trunk follow behind her as she left her room for the last time. Walking out of her common room passing all the other students who were saying goodbyes and excited for summer. 

She walked down the grand staircase, dropping her trunk off with the others before heading to the train platform. She found a group of her close friends amongst the sea of students who are waiting to get on the Hogwarts express. They walked onto the train that was filled with kids who were excited to go home, finding the compartment they'd sat in for years as they talked about what they wanted to do over the summer. 

-

The train ride went faster than she had hoped, she didn't when she would see her friends again. Getting off the train she saw kids reunite with their families, hugs, and smiles could be seen all over the platform. Y/N's parents always waited for her in the muggle part of the station, they didn't like running into people from their school days. 

She gathers all her belongings and says her last goodbyes to her friends before heading to the portal. Pushing her trolly through the crowd, careful not to hit anyone's ankle she focused on making it off of the platform. She could see the red sign was a few feet away when a hang gently grasped her shoulder. She stopped in her tracks and turned to see who it was

"Y/N, I've been calling you," The boy said with a small smile, it was Sirius

"Sorry, I didn't hear you" She apologized, the situation was a little tense. They only spoke a few times since that day in potions class

"I wanted to talk to you before we left school but I couldn't find you" he started, Y/N didn't respond allowing him to continue. "I was thinking maybe you and I could hang out this summer, I don't know maybe go on a date or something," he said as nervously rubbed the back of his neck

Y/N couldn't help but give him a confused look, she had no idea why he was asking this now. "What? Where did all of this come from?"  She asked moving her cart to the side to get out of people's way. He followed closely behind her as he continued the conversation

"I've been thinking about it all year, I was wrong to tell you that I didn't want to go out. Honestly, I wasn't thinking clearly, I'm sorry"  He didn't want to go into too much detail on how much he'd actually been thinking about her. 

He thought about her every day since she asked him out. He always thought she was cool, she was funny and kind and smart and she was always there for her friends he had only thought of her as a friend. Most of his relationships didn't last longer than three months so he never thought about what he'd want in a long-time partner. 

Over the course of his 7th year, he thought about it more and when he did, the more Y/N checked off the boxes. His friends were right, she was perfect for him. He didn't realize that until recently and he was afraid he was too late but he had to ask anyway.

Y/N didn't know what to think, she had spent so long trying to get over him, and all of a sudden he was interested in her. She was quite irritated, why would he think she would be available for him whenever he wanted. She wasn't going to let that happen.

"Sirius, I honestly don't know what to say but I think it's best we don't see each other." She said calmly

"Why not?" It wasn't rare for him to hear 'no', it stung more coming from her mouth. 

"I've spent so much time getting over you and you show up out of the blue with this offer. I'm sorry Sirius but it's not going to happen" she needed to get out of there as fast as possible, if she stayed another minute she was afraid she'd change her mind. She began pushing her cart back toward the entrance, before she got too far she turned around watching his face as he processed what happened. "Have a nice summer, Sirius" 

She turned back around moving forward, he watched her get lost in the crowd. 

-

Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry cordially invites you to the Class of 78's 10-year reunion! The Hogwarts Express leaves at 11 am, 1 July 

The letter in Sirius' hands was slightly crumbled as had just dug it out of the bin. He received it last week and didn't know if he should go or not, he wasn't in the mood to interact with his old classmates. The last ten years have been rocky for Sirius. After leaving school, he traveled the world because it was something he always wanted to do. While he was in Germany he met a muggle woman and he fell for her quickly. 

He had never been happier, their relationship moved very fast they were married within six months. It was going great for a while, he was still traveling but she wanted more. She asked him multiple times to move to Germany with her and start a family. It took a while for him to agree to this. A year into the marriage he moved to Germany to settle down, he got a job and was happy. 

Over the course of the next five years, his marriage started to deteriorate, for some reason he and his wife couldn't have a child and she started to resent him for that. He tried everything he could to make her happy, he turned into a completely different person and it still wasn't enough. Finally, when he was tired of being in a loveless marriage he left and moved back to London. 

His divorce was finalized four months ago, he's doing better now. He's happy to be home and close to his mates, James had gotten Lily to agree to marry him and they have a young boy. Remus finally got the chance to become a teacher like he always wanted, and peter is living a happy quiet life in the country. 

Things were finally good. 

He still didn't want to go to this reunion, having everyone ask what he had been up to for the past ten years wasn't his favorite conversation. But after a lot of convincing from James, he gave in.

He had a small carry-on in his hand as he walked out of his small flat and set off to King Cross where he would meet his friends. He just wanted to get this weekend over with. 

-

When Y/N arrived at Kings Cross, she was excited to go back in time. She hadn't thought much about her years at the school since she left. She did exactly what she planned, she went to school and became a lawyer. A damn good one at that, she hasn't lost a case since she started her own firm. She was doing pretty good for herself. 

She wasn't married, she had been single for a few years because of how busy her schedule was. None of her partners understood why she couldn't always be around. This caused a lot of distance in her relationships so she figured it was best just to ride solo for a while.

She had recently reconnected with her friend group from school, and they all talked about their lives. Some of them had kids and were married, Y/N felt a little sad that she couldn't brag about an amazing husband. She had always wondered what it would be like if she had settled down after school like everyone else, but she remembers how happy she has made herself. Maybe one day she'll find "the one".

Right now she and three of her old friends are sitting in the same compartment they did all those years ago. Slightly gossiping about everyone they've seen so far, everyone has changed so much. She was nervous about going, Hogwarts brings back so many memories all the good and the bad. 

She forgot how long that train ride was, she found herself growing tired just a few hours in. She decided to take a nap so she would be refreshed when they got there. 

-

When they finally arrived, everyone was eager to get off the train. Y/N had woken up an hour prior to arriving so she was ready to go. She stood from the bench seat and walked out of the compartment, her friends following close behind. Y/N followed the crowd off of the train, on the platform stood a very tall man, it felt just it did on her very first day at school.

"Welcome back to Hogwarts Class of '78, we have all missed you very much! Please make your way down to the boats." Hagrid's deep voice rang out

The now adults made their way down to the lake the same way they did when they were 11. Groups of four climbed into the boats and magically floated their way done the lake. The scene was just as beautiful as Y/N remembered. 

Once everyone was off the boats everyone knew where to go, it was like muscle memory. Nothing about the castle had changed, it was beautifully lit up by torches along the corridors. The walls had been decorated with magical pictures of all of the students throughout their time at Hogwarts. 

It made Y/N feel like she was a teenager again when all she had to worry about was turning in an assignment on time. Staying amongst her friend group they walked into the great hall which was always breathtaking. The ceiling was enchanted to look like the night sky, lit candles floated in the air lighting up the room. The floor was decorated similar to when they would have a dance, all the long tables were gone and replaced with smaller round ones decorated with soft table cloths. 

There were snack tables on both sides of the room, everyone scattered around looking at all the nostalgic decorations. Y/N's friends had already found a table and sat down, when she arrived at the table her friends were whispering. Gossip. 

"What are you guys talking about?" she asked taking a seat at the table

"Look over there, dear. Isn't that Sirius Black?" One of them said while pointing to a table across the room

Sirius Black. That was a name Y/N hadn't heard in years. She slowly turned her head so it wasn't obvious they were talking about him. When she finally found him, his eyes were already on her. This made her look away quickly, a wave of adrenaline washed over her. She hadn't felt that since the last day she saw him. 

All of her memories of him came flooding in all at once, all the laughs and test answers they shared. The most prominent memory was him rejecting her. It didn't hurt as bad as it did back then, of course, it sucks to be rejected but she got over it. She realized how juvenile it was to think about what could've been but she couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if they ever were together. 

She shook the thoughts from her head, no, tonight we're in the moment. She thought to herself, she was going to enjoy herself this weekend. 

A loud familiar voice filled the great hall causing everyone to look at the front of the room. Dumbledore stood at his podium as he always did when he gave a speech. 

"Good evening class of '78, it's so wonderful to see all your faces again! Even though you're all grown up now, to me I still know you as the young kids running around the castle. Please enjoy yourself tonight, catch up enjoy the refreshments and live music. I shall be walking around to hear all of your adventures beyond this campus." 

As soon as he stopped speaking a band started playing all the wizard music hits from their time at Hogwarts. 

-

On the other side of the room, Sirius black is sitting at a table with his best mates. James hadn't shut up about how much he missed the school, Sirius tried his best to match his enthusiasm but he couldn't. Since he got there, he heard at least four different people talking about his divorce. 

He noticed Y/N the second she walked in the door, she was absolutely beautiful. He always knew she was beautiful but seeing her in this place was like a breath of fresh air. He had to talk to her tonight, he had to know what she'd been doing all those years. 

As the night progressed, Sirius kept finding himself stealing glances with Y/N. He watched her dance with her friends, he saw her talking to old teachers, he didn't know what happened to all the confidence he once had because he couldn't go up to her. 

James had noticed his behavior, no matter what Sirius said he knew he never got over her. 

"Sirius mate, just go talk to her," he said pulling his friend out of his thoughts "She probably forgot about everything that happened, go say hello"

"I don't know" Sirius sighed "What if she's married?" 

"She's not" Lily, James' wife chimed in

"How do you know?" Sirius challenged

"Because I talked to her, now stop moping and go" the redhead demanded

"James, you're wife is very mean" he said as he stood from the table

"I know" James smiled kissing her on the cheek

Y/N was sitting at her table hydrating after dancing, her back was turned away from the crowd so she didn't see Sirius come up to her. 

He tapped her shoulder causing her to lightly jump, when she turned around she was met with an older version of the boy she once knew. 

"Hi" He greeted with a large smile

"Sirius, how are you?" she matched his grin

"I'm good, do you mind if I sit?" he asked pointing to the empty chair next to her

"Sure, go ahead" 

Sirius sat down on the white chair, he didn't say anything for a few seconds before picking up the conversation

"So what've you been up to? It's been ages since I last saw you" 

"Nothing much really, once I left school I went to law school now I have my own law firm," she said with no excitement because it was the twenty-something time she said it tonight.

"A lawyer? Wow, that's amazing!" He was so glad she was doing well in life, better than he was.

"It's not that great, it's a lot of work" she laughed "What about you? What've you been doing the last 10 years?" 

He paused, he didn't want to lie and say it was great but he didn't want to ruin the moment. "It's been quite interesting actually" he nervously played with his fingers "I traveled for a while after graduating, then I got married and moved to Germany"

Married, great. She thought

"You live in Germany? That's so cool" she replied

"No no, not anymore" he laughed "I moved back to London when my wife and I spilt" he explained

"Oh" Y/N let slip "I'm sorry, I hope you're doing alright" she offered

"I am, thanks. I'm actually pretty happy right now" he smiled

For the next hour or so they talked about everything they could. It felt like they never lost that time, they felt as if they were still those friends in school. Somewhere through the hour, they migrated to the dance floor. They were a respectable amount of distance apart, Sirius' hands were on her waist, her arms loosely wrapped around his shoulders. they  continued their conversation as they danced

"Y/N, can I be honest with you?" Sirius asked randomly

"Go for it" she said as she swayed to the music

"I honestly don't know why I ever let you go" 

She stopped dancing, she scanned his face for any sign that he was lying

"Sirius that was years ago, it's okay" she laughed lightly

"I know I know, I just wish I had gone on that date with you" he smirked

Y/N thought for a minute, maybe this was her chance to see what could've been

"Well, you can always go on a date with me now" 

"Really?" he was taken aback that she would say that

"Yeah, why not? You can finally see what you had missed out on all those years ago" she teased

"Let's go then" he said grabbing her hand and running out of the great hall

They went through all the corridors and all the unlocked classrooms reminiscing on their days at the school. At the end of their self-guided tour, they ended up at the top of the astronomy tower. 

"This place always had the best view" Y/N said as she stood next to Sirius at the railing looking out at the night sky

"Yeah, it does" Sirius agreed, but he wasn't talking about the stars. He moved slightly closer to her, close enough to where their arms touched. "I'm glad I got to see you again" he said softly

"I am too," she said looking into his eyes

"Maybe when we go home, I can take you on a proper date" Sirius suggested

"I'd like that" Y/N smiled softly, she couldn't help but flicker her eyes down to his lips. 

He noticed. He leaned in closer, their noses softly brushed against each other. Right as their lips were about to connect, a loud cough could be heard causing the two to pull away. 

"Mr. Black, Ms. L/N it's past curfew" Dumbledore started "Please see your way back to your dorms" 

"Yes professor" They said, sounding like children who got caught doing something they weren't supposed to. They both hurried their way down the large staircase, a little out of breath but they were out of Dumbledore's view. 

"Now, where were we?" Sirius asked as he gripped Y/N's waist pulling her in for a passionate kiss.

[jojojoy1]

I thought I lost you- Lando Norris

Lando Norris x reader

A/N: so this isn't on my wip list but I got some inspiration to write and 4 hours and 1.1k words later I have this, enjoy.

Sunday. You loved Sundays, getting to see Lando race, getting to experience the joy with him. You also dreaded Sundays though. The fear and the worry doesn't disappear no matter how many races you attend.

Lando was just about to get in the car, helmet on and focused. Just before he stepped into the cockpit, you grabbed his hand.

"Be careful out there. I need you back here in one piece." You kissed his helmet, leaving a lipstick stain. You couldn't see Lando's whole face, but you could see in his eyes that he was smiling.

"I'm always careful." He said in his usual cheery voice, hands on your waist as yours rested on his chest.

"Just be extra careful, okay? I love you." Your tone changed slightly, clearly worrying.

"Hey, I'll be careful, don't worry. I love you too."

After that Lando was hurried into the car, no longer in your arms, no longer right next to you. You were normally quite calm at races, but something was different. You had this gut feeling telling you something was going to go wrong.

The start of the race was smooth sailing. Lando had made up a few places and there had been no red or yellow flags so far. But you still couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

That's when your whole world came crashing down on top of you. You didn't know how to react, so you didn't. You sat there in complete shock and fear. The words of David Croft replaying in your mind: Lando Norris and George Russell have hit each other. Norris has flipped, he's spun straight into the wall.

The car had spun into the wall upside-down, with Lando inside. Your Lando. Your World. Your everything. And there was nothing you could do but sit there and wait. It felt like time had stopped but was moving rapidly all at once.

No message had come through on Lando's radio. No indication of if he was okay. The waiting killed you. Watching the screens as the marshals ran to help him.

You wanted to move, you wanted to run to him. You wanted to scream and shout. You wanted to cry. But you couldn't. You couldn't move, you couldn't scream and you couldn't even cry. You were frozen.

A frantic shaking had brought you out of your trance. It was Carlos. He seemed out of breath, as though he got out of his car and ran directly to you.

"Are you okay, cariño?"

You tried to speak, the words on the tip of your tongue, but nothing came out. Carlos immediately knelt down to the height of the chair you were sitting on and wrapped his arms around you in a tight hug. His hands started stroking your hair soothingly. The first tear fell onto his shoulder as Carlos whispered comforting words into your ear. Suddenly, you were a train wreck, going from zero to a hundred in a second.

Carlos pulled away to look at the screens still showing Lando's wreck. Your eyes followed to see that Lando had been pulled from the car and was being taken to the ambulance on a stretcher.

"I need to go with him." You blurted out, the first thing to leave your mouth since the start of this nightmare. You arose from the chair hastily, however, your legs felt like they had disappeared from beneath you and you tumbled. Carlos caught you, enveloping your legs in his arms as he was still crouched down. He helped you sit back down and held your hands before he started talking.

"Y/n, you're in no state to go anywhere right now."

"I need to be with him, Carlos." You pleaded with the man in front of you.

"Then I'll come with you, cariño."

"But the race. When it restarts-"

"I'm coming with you." Carlos interrupted your frantic excuses. He didn't care about the race anymore. His best friend just got into a horrific crash and was in the hospital and you were having, what could only be described as, a breakdown.

"Thank you." You whispered as Carlos stood up, pulling you to your feet and helping you find your balance.

Carlos drove you both to the hospital. Your anxiety through the roof at this point. Leg bouncing up and down. Hands fidgeting. Shifting in your seat constantly.

When you arrived the nurses told you: He's in surgery, you'll have to wait.

So you waited. And waited. And waited.

Four hours later, a doctor entered the deserted waiting room. "Are you two here for Mr Norris?"

Your head shot up. "Is he okay?"

"Why don't you come and look for yourself."

The doctor led you to Lando's room. He was asleep on the bed. He looked peaceful and the parts of his body that weren't covered in a blanket looked virtually untouched, like the crash had never happened.

"I'll leave you two with him. There's a button you can press to alert a nurse if anything is wrong."

"Thank you." You and Carlos both thanked the doctor and entered the room.

You sat down on the chair next to Lando, Carlos at the foot of the bed. You carefully held his hand as the floodgates reopened. You couldn't control the tears. Seeing Lando laying in a hospital bed is not what you had expected when you woke up this morning.

You rested your forehead against his chest, feeling him breath and hearing his heart beating. You continued to sob in the nearly silent room, so overwhelmed by the events of today.

You felt a very soft squeeze, really it was a tap, to your hand. You lifted your head from Lando's chest to see his eyes just barely open. A cute, cheeky smiled adorned his face.

"Hi." He croaked out in a faint, weak voice.

"Hi." You smiled through the tears at Lando. Admiring his beautiful eyes you thought you'd never gaze into again. Feeling his soft curls you thought you'd never run your fingers through again. Cherishing his pink lips you thought you'd never kiss again.

Your hand reached up to tangle in his hair, your eyes following the movement. "I thought I lost you." You whispered, if you could even called it that. You could barely hear yourself, but Lando heard you.

"You can't get rid of me that easily." He laughed, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

"I love you." You spoke softly, relief washing over you.

"I love you too." You lent down and gently pressed you lips against Lando's, trying to memorise how he felt and tasted.

"I love you too, Lando. Do I get a kiss?" Carlos spoke up from the foot of the hospital bed.

"Obviously. Get over here."

[ineffable-suffering]

The Curious Incident of The Flaming Sword in Good Omens

Just like so many other Good Omens red herrings, hints and *Aziraphale voice* clues, the question of 'What the fuck ist the deal with Aziraphale's flaming sword' has been absolutely tormenting my mind ever since S1 dropped all those years ago.

And while many of my other questions about S2 (like 'What the fuck is the deal with the Eccles cakes' or 'Who the fuck made the Gabriel statue') remain unanswered and could, possibly, just not matter at all and I should just get the fuck over them– the unsolved case of Aziraphale's flaming sword in S1 has always seemed like a weirdly important blind spot to me.

So, in an attempt to finally solve this knot in my brain, I made a timeline for the bloody Flaming Sword because what else would I spend my Friday evening on. Here goes nothing, I thought:

Aziraphale gets issued the sword by Heaven to guard the Garden of Eden in 4004 BC, and gives it away to the humans.

God asks him about it right after they humans have left Eden, Aziraphale lies to her and before even finishing speaking, God just loggs off and doesn't seem to care anymore.

The sword seems to be lost for the next 6000 years to follow and, once again, no one really cares.

The first time we see it again is when the International Express Man delivers it to War in the present day.

The next time we see it after that, is when Pepper effectively kicks war in the shin, makes her drop the sword and proceeds to anihilate her with it.

Brian and Wensleydale do the same to Famine and Pollution.

Aziraphale then wields the sword once more, despite never having to really use it (but hey, it looks capital-B Badass).

Lastly, our Holy Delivery Guy then picks up the sword together with the other (now deceased?) Horsmen's artefacts and they once again vanish.

Needless to say, I found myself nothing the wiser after making this timeline. It seemed completely useless. I still had no idea why the sword even existed and why they kept making such a big fucking fuss about it all throughout Season 1. So, I decided to make another list, this time with all the random ass questions I had about this random ass sword:

Why was it issued to Aziraphale in the first place? Since when does an angel need a random flaming weapon to protect two (2) humans that are already being guarded by a hundred-meter-high wall, when he could very well just miracle away any and every threat to both himself and them?

Was he given the sword to defend himself against demons? If so, why would they give him a burning blade instead of, for example, a Supersoaker full of Holy Water? (Sure, I'm fairly certain Supersoakers hadn't been invented yet, but you catch my drift)

Is the sword actually burning with hellfire? If so, it would a) still be a pretty useless weapon against demons, but also b) possibly explain why Pepper, Brian and Wensleydale were able to kill or at least temporarily get rid of three of the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (who, be they whatever they actually are, surely count as some sort of immortal entities just like angels and demons do)

Did the sword actually kill War, Pollution and Famine? After all, the World as we knew it did get reinstated by Adam again once they managed to stop Armageddon. Does that mean that the three Horsemen were revived again too? Unless Season 2 takes place in a war-less, pollution-less and famine-less world, they must have somehow made their return (or never really died in the first place)

Where. The Fuck. Is. The Sword. Now? And why does it bother me so much???????

Alas, just like so many other questions, these too seemed to remain unsolved. And since the fucking sword didn't make a comeback in S2, I guessed that it probably just wasn't more than ... well, a randomly flaming, randomly misplaced, randomly unexplained Flaming Sword.

Nothing more than a plot device.

Hmm, right. A ... plot device.

Hang on. (And that's when it finally hit me.)

It's a fucking plot device.

Most authors and consumers of media are familiar with the use of plot devices in story telling. However, I personally had only every seen characters be used as such, to merely bring an important point across or further underline or advance a story's or main character's development or plot.

It wasn't until I was about to simply give up because I couldn't see my way out of the seemingly unlimited sword-related questions anymore, that I realized: There are no answers to those questions. Just like there are no deeper meanings to any other plot devices. Their sole purpose it so shine some light onto another, more important thing, story or character.

And in this case, that character is Aziraphale. Or more so Aziraphale's choices and his relationship with and belief in God and Heaven. The Flaming Sword (or more so Aziraphale's giving-away of it) is the first way of showing us that Aziraphale:

doesn't always aka pretty much never obey God's will (even all the way back in The Beginning),

will lie to God about disobeying Her

and possibly, just like Crowley joked about, was the one who by trying to do a Good Thing, accidentally gave away something that would later somehow become a literal War weapon, lmao

It also tells us that:

God apparently doesn't always care or cast them out of Heaven when an angel actively disobeys and lies to Her. Or, for all we know, Aziraphale giving the sword away and not admitting to it was somehow part of Her Ineffable Plan anyway.

Heaven is apparently absolutely useless at keeping track of its very few ethereal belongings. That's what you get for outsourcing work, you capitalists.

Right at The End, the sword returns to its owner who had it right in The Beginning too: Aziraphale. And not just that: It actually ends up saving the humans. For the second time. First all the way back in Eden, when it was just Adam and Eve. And now, 6000 years later, at what would have been the end of the World. Very poetic, *wipes away tear*

So yeah, there you go. That's the big revelation I have come to. Would I have preferred to uncover yet another sneaky Gaimanian easter egg just so I could wave it in your face like some sort of a puzzle solved at a scavenger hunt?

Sure.

But hey, sometimes flaming sword plot devices are just that. And I'll make my peace (or War?) with it.

[adventuringblind]

Wish Come True

Landoscar x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Summary: Lando and Oscar are there to reassure their favorite person that they matter

Dialouge prompt: "I wished for you."

Warnings: anxiety, panic attacks

Notes: This is part of my 1000 followers celebration. I'm still taking submissions for it!

Masterlist

It's normal for people to get anxious. It's normal for the human mind to overthink and delve into every possibility.

It is not normal, however, to analyze every reason why one's partners should leave them. In the world of Formula 1, everyone is looking and judging all the time. It's hard to escape. The people give her reasons to think about why she deserves such partners.

It's terrifying how in her head she is able to get. How fast she sinks into her thoughts. The cold floor of the bathroom is the last thing grounding her to the real world. Her hands rake through her hair as her chest labors for oxegyne.

Oscar and Lando. The two boys who stole her heart. With their stupidly fast cars and endearing gazes.

They found her, tucked away in a McLaren office. Her job not normally one that needs their input. The one time she did, they seemed to decide right then they weren't going to let her secluded herself in her office anymore.

They reassure her constantly. Lando with spurattic physical contact and Oscar with a never-ending supply of compliments. They tell her not to listen to the people. A task she fails at constantly.

They have their claws dug into her mind. They tug, and they pull her in direction she doesn't want to go. Which begs the question, is she cut out for this life? In reality, she really just might not have what it takes to date, not one, but two formula 1 drivers.

There is a soft and familiar knock at the door. She knows who it is. Qualifying ended hours ago. She's been closed up in the hotel room for longer.

"Love? Are you in there? Me and Osc are worried about you." Lando's concern breaches her ears, and she doesn't know what to do. It sends her spiraling further.

The door clicks open. Two sets of footsteps hit against the tile floor. There is a softens to their actions she can't fully explain. Like they know how to approach her with the intent of comfort and how to make it known via every movement.

Their bodies slide down the wall on either side of her. Their orange hoodies are a stark contrast to the white colored walls and tile. They smell freshly showered, and it hits her hard that they were probably together all afternoon.

They don't need her. It's a true fact that nobody should be one hundred percent reliant on another person. But the thoughts creep back into her skin that they don't have a reason to want her either.

"What's going on in your head, hm?" Her body is leaned into Oscar's, head now resting on his shoulder. Lando finds her hand and stops her from causing any harm to herself in her state of panic.

"I'm not enough for you two."

"Now who put that idea in your head? Because we're lyng."

"I put it there. I'm not cut out for this, I don't think. You have so many better options that I can't understand why I would be your first choice." It comes out more choked than she would've hoped.

"But we wished for you. Did you know that?"

Shock flood through her veins. "What do you mean? Like on a shooting star or something?"

Oscar snorts. "He's being sappy. What he means is that when we were talking about our feelings for you, turned out we both had very similar preferences."

"Yeah, the criteria was you. I swear it's like the universe knew!" Lando starts talking with his hands in animated motions. It makes the other two chuckle.

"All that to say, you're perfect the way you are. It's an overused statement, but I don't care because it's true."

Lando's mouth falls open in offense. "So you're allowed to be corny, and I'm not? This is a double standard, mate!"

So maybe it took her boyfriends arguing over what is an appropriate amount of sap for these situations. But at least she knows how much they love her.

(If the terrible pick-up lines they were using on her didn't solidify this fact, she doesn't know what would.)

[peachhcs]

I bet this has been asked but we need ANYTHING on Wills goals

i am in such a blurb roll rn. samy was ecstatic to say the least about these goals

—

even though it was halloween, samy's eyes were glued to the hockey game playing on the tv while the pregame happened around her. everyone knew already that if the sharks, devils, or canucks were playing, she was watching no matter what was happening.

she followed her boyfriend around the screen as he glided across the ice fighting for the puck with his line. they were playing good tonight and something in the girl felt a goal coming. it's been building since the season started and she knew it was in sight for will.

he pushed against the blackhawks players, skating closer and closer to the goal. samy was literally on the edge of her seat as she mumbled things to herself about the game. from the kitchen, hannah laughed at her roommate's behavior.

"yeah, when she's focusing on hockey, everything else doesn't matter," the brunette chuckled with some of their other friends.

as soon as the puck slid into the back of the net after will's stick, samy was on her feet, catching everyone's attention at her sudden excitement.

"he scored! he scored! holy shit!" the younger hughes exclaimed as hannah hurried in to catch the replay. samy grbabed her friend's shoulders, shaking her and the drinks in their hands.

"will scored a goal! he scored his first goal!" she was bouncing on her heels making hannah bounce with her, both girls now screaming in excitement.

"no fucking way! oh my god," hannah laughed as they both turned back to see the multiple replays happening. the puck slid in with such ease.

samy grabbed her phone to text will even though he wouldn't look at his phone until after the game. she started spamming him with congratulations and i'm so proud of you and adding a hundred different emojis that definitely contributed to her slight drunkenness.

it wasn't long after when will scored his second goal just minutes before samy and her friends were about to head out for the night. the girl screamed, their neighbors definitely wondering what was going on. she jumped around in excitement, feeling extremely proud of her boyfriend scoring his first two nhl goals on the same night that also put them ahead of the blackhawks.

"they actually might win this! holy shit!" the brunette texted will again, not caring that he was gonna open his phone to probably over 50 messages from her. she couldn't help it.

this moment was so special and she was disappointed she wasn't there in person, but she couldn't be more proud of will. he dreamed of moments like these happening since they were little kids and now that it was happening really didn't feel real.

samy was still out when her phone buzzed and she saw will's name flash across the screen. the girl excused herself for a second to find a more quieter area to talk to him for a moment.

their call connected and samy immediately smiled when she saw will holding up the puck he scored.

"i can't believe it!! i'm so, so proud of you. we watched the game before we went out and it was honestly so amazing. you played so well," the brunette rushed out, her words slurring together slightly.

"i can't believe it either. i feel like i'm dreaming or something," will admitted.

"and you scored two! that was awesome. we were literally just about to leave when i saw your second goal," samy gushed and her words brought a bright pink flush to his cheeks.

it warmed his heart knowing samy still had on the game even though she obviously had plans for the night. it was those little things that proved to will that long distance was gonna be worth it. he didn’t doubt it anymore—and a part of himself still hated what he did to her.

“i love you, baby. have a good night out. text me when you get back to your apartment,” the blonde smiled, not wanting to keep her away for much longer. samy quickly leaned in, kissing her phone camera as if she was kissing him.

“i love, love, love you so much. celebrate those goals tonight!! i’ll text you,” the two shared a laugh before hanging up.

[kedreeva]

Kedreeva, may I ask your opinion on a fic commenting issue?

If a reader leaves a comment on a fic that results in the writer giving up on it, would you automatically think that reader was in the wrong?

Here's why I'm asking. I've been writing a fic for almost a year, but I've been struggling with it for the last month or so. I've lost focus, don't know what I'm doing with it anymore, can't keep the plot on track, no longer feel the joy for it that I used to feel.

This morning, a reader left a comment on the fic saying what I know in my heart. It's wandering off, it's lost focus, it's become long and bloated and isn't going anywhere anymore. I need to learn to edit, to tell a proper story instead of just wittering on and on.

Not gonna lie. The comment made me cry. But at the same time, the reader is absolutely right. Everything they said was true.

Reading the comment gave me the courage to do what I should have done two months ago. I put up a note telling readers I've lost my way with the fic and it's time to move on to other projects. I felt sad, but a little relieved at the same time.

I explained the situation to an online fic buddy, and they were furious at the reader who left the comment, said they had no business saying something like that, and the remarks were completely uncalled for.

But I feel like the reader's honesty made me realize the truth of the situation. The fic has turned into an unfixable mess - I just couldn't acknowledge that until someone said it loudly right to my face.

Was that reader in the wrong? I don't feel they were, but my buddy disagrees. Would love to know what you think.

Your buddy is right that the reader was in the wrong in so far as etiquette goes. Whether or not the reader was correct has no bearing on the etiquette of the situation, which is that (at least on AO3), unsolicited criticism is considered rude to leave.

Compare the context to another situation; if a writer makes a typo and a reader comments to correct the typo, without being asked to do so first, it doesn't matter that the spelling correction is correct. The correctness of the comment has no bearing on the etiquette of giving unsolicited criticism. It's still rude to leave because the author didn't request interference or assistance, and the reader has no idea what effect the comment will have on the author.

Now, that in no way means that you, personally, have to be angry with this particular reader or hurt by their action. If you feel it helped you, then it helped you. Individual writers may have mixed or even positive associations with crit, solicited or not, and that's totally cool. I, myself, am not going to suffer any great consequence if someone criticizes my work (I don't like it, but fuck 'em, it's not going to stop me or anything), but they're still going to get an earful back, because I have seen too many people hurt or leave because some readers can't follow the golden rule, and I don't want to see the more vulnerable people pushed out of my community.

Because the point of the etiquette here IS to protect the vulnerable people in our communities. Fandom in general is FULL of vulnerable people, and fanfiction often exposes soft bits of the author. You may have taken it well enough and resolved a personal issue because of it, but that same type of comment given to someone just starting out or to someone in a delicate/sensitive part of their life (for example, if they are experiencing hardships in real life and writing to escape that for a little while) or just simply writing as a fun hobby... that kind of comment can do a lot of damage. You chose to stop because you already knew you were having problems with the story. Another person may choose to stop not because they want to or because it's a positive step for them, but because their RSD now makes it horrifying to try to write instead of being a happy endeavor. Or a hundred other, negative reasons.

And the reason your friend is likely angry on your behalf is that the reader had no way of knowing whether you would take it well, and did not (as far as I know from what you've said here) make any attempt to inquire with you first as to whether you wanted that kind of advice. It would be different if they had said "hey, i've been reading along, and I was wondering if you'd mind some advice?" first. That at least would have given you an opportunity to talk about it willingly or say "I'm not really in a place where I want/can handle that, but thank you for the offer!" Regardless of outcome, you deserved to have had that option in the first place.

I'm glad that the comment helped you, as an individual. But your friend is also right, in that that type of comment is typically rude and potentially harmful to others. That being said, your friend should also be able to let go of their anger about it if there was no harm done in this instance. There's room for coexistence in this case; I'm sure that you can understand that just because you weren't hurt doesn't mean no one would be, and I'm sure your friend can understand that just because it was rude doesn't mean it was bad for you (specific) this once.

[sonadowfujoshi]

Hey, sorry for asking, but what happened? Are people giving you shit for posting something?

I just wanna say, I really appreciate what you do, your translations are really great. I get that feeling of not doing enough/well enough, but try to not listen to it. Don't compare yourself to other people. Good luck with your art endeavours!

When the Shadow manga chapter came out the entire thing got posted on Twitter by some news account and people were pissed off about that, which was fair enough on its own. But then some idiots thought I contributed to the "leaks" (which aren't even leaks because the magazine with the chapter was already out on digital platforms by then and everyone has to buy it to view it) when all I did was show the front page and one panel. Someone very popular even blocked me over it and a follower of mine had to go clear things up with them. It was so embarrassing I wanted to tear my skin off.

It'd be fine if this is where things ended but then the entire thing spiraled into a bunch of people, including some popular artists I respected and frequently retweeted, dickriding copyright law, saying weird xenophobic shit about "uncultured western fans" and saying anyone who dares to fantranslate the chapter instead of waiting until piss knows when for an official release like a good boy is a leech who is singlehandedly going to put the manga artist out of business and bankrupt the publisher. Even if all those posts weren't targeting me specifically, as someone who has fantranslated hundreds of manga pages already (none of which have ever been released legally in English, mind) and who previously had unpleasant scuffles with third-party copyright cops, it was really upsetting and disappointing to witness. The entire thing put a bitter taste in my mouth and I'm now far more vigilant about idolizing certain people and trying to butter up to them just because their art is pretty. I mean, you shouldn't do that to anyone even if they're not indirectly calling you a leech, but this just drove it home. I don't think these people realize how privileged they are in terms of how accessible this stuff is to them and that not everyone in the global south is able to afford the heavily taxed $5 magazine. I can't even bring myself to look at Twitter anymore I'm disillusioned so bad.

So, like, at this point, I don't know where I stand in this community as someone with a not so secret reputation of being a dirty pirate fucker who fantranslates stuff. Keeping the shit under wraps in hushed tones doesn't sit right with me when the entire point is accessibility. I was always aware to an extent that there is going to be a crowd that will consider people like me leeches no matter what, but hearing that from the mouths of my idols super sucks. I guess I really need to just come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to be everyone's friend no matter how hard I try and accept that my only home and friends are fellow pirates like me.

[weirdchristmas]

ok but this isn't the first time you've posted racist content, just saying sorry doesn't make up for having the post to begin with let alone the hate you showed to your followers. Those post should of never been made at all and today wasn't even close to the first time your showed you don't give a fuck about bipoc and the fact you even purposely missed certain post just proves you really don't give a fuck unless called out.

I don't know who you are, but I disagree with all of this. I didn't intend to post them at all. I think once about ten years ago I posted a few of them with some talk pointing out how they were examples of the worst that the old cards could be. But since the rest of the blog was snarky, folk thought it set the wrong tone. I didn't agree initially but eventually people convinced me. So I don't post them anymore as part of the "HAHA WTF" cards.

As I just posted, I do think it's important to know the history of stuff like this, but it's a matter of context. They're not jokes, so I don't share them as jokes. But I also don't agree that simply acknowledging their existence makes you complicit with them.

So... I apologize that they were in there. I'm sorry to everyone for that. Like I said, I was grabbing groups of 50 random cards from different folders on my disks without even looking. I thought I had all the racist cards in one well-labelled folder that I'm using for a research project. But obviously some were filed incorrectly and ended up as part of the few hundred things I loaded into the Tumblr queue last night which I obviously did not "curate" very well (or at all, which is also why there were a ton of Thanksgiving and Halloween cards mixed in).

(FWIW, I also have folders for misogynistic, classist, anti-suffragette, anti-Irish, Nazi, and on and on. The history of awfulness is just part of what fascinates me about this hobby because our common pop culture often shows us at our worst, not just our dumbest.)

But if you feel like I'm actually full of hatred toward bipoc, then that's how you feel. And now I've let other people see your claim, too. I disagree, tho, and I hope others do, too.

[dundunny]

Final Fantasy XVI

Final Fantasy XVI completed, and wow, I think it's my favorite Final Fantasy since IX, and I'm surprised more people aren't talking about it (focusing on VIIR2?). It's not a perfect game and has some glaring flaws, but I haven't had this much fun playing a Final Fantasy in a long time.

I'll start with the issues, and I think number one is the items, which affects the game twofold. First is there's a completely fucked up weapon upgrade system. Literally after I get a shiny new sword, barely an hour later I've gotten another one. It's like Square didn't track when a player should get trying out something new. The second is the rewards for exploration or epic battles don't matter. There are maybe a dozen different upgrade materials in the whole game, most of which you get pretty early on. So I'm literally running around the final area and finding fucking sharp fangs, which I started collecting way back in the beginning when Clive was like fifteen. Yeah, (some) bounties have good drops, but I literally defeated Bahamut and got forty bloody hides, of which I already owned hundreds. None of the accessories felt like game changers either, so opening up treasure chests felt like meh. You need a sort of nice reward for effort. If I'm gonna walk across the map for some distant treasure, it better not be five of what I already have hundreds of. It's annoying because they put so much effort into everything else, so literally hiring one dude whose sole job is this I feel shouldn't've been hard.

Then there are regular battles. Let me say this first: boss battles were amazing and I was completely satisfied with them. But XVI suffered from the same issue as Hogwarts Legacy: too little variation in enemies and you're way overleveled early on. There's no incentive to fight regular enemies on the map because you're not getting much EXP since you're already way over, their drops are pointless like every other item, so they're more or less just an annoyance you avoid. I didn't put any effort in trying basic encounters, and I beat the game one level below max. So what's the point. Given how much effort Square put into the battle system, it's a shame they didn't let me flex my muscles with it more often.

This is a personal preference but I think others would agree: I'm a big environments fiend, and you don't get to explore any of the major cities. Hell, you never see the Iron Kingdom's capital even in a cutscene. The cities are just dungeons, so you're basically there as a continuous fight so you don’t have time to appreciate the surroundings, and when you do everything is in the process of being destroyed or already is. You don’t even get to visit what should be a moderately sized town, Port Isolde, and even Northreach felt like a minor checkpoint before the capital moved. All that's left are small towns or even just hovels. I wonder if they were trying to save resources on environments; Oriflamme looks amazing from the outside, I can't imagine having the render all of that.

That being said, dungeons are following the trend of a linear path with perhaps a quick diversion for treasure. There's no puzzles, no thought (although a good portion of the time the dungeons are mid-battle of a large attack so there isn't time). XVI isn't alone in this; I've noticed most RPGs in recent years don't do the puzzle route as much anymore.

Another minor complaint is at times they would shove the point down the player's throat until it became fantastical. Yes, slavery is bad and people abuse slaves. However, I cannot imagine even in the cotton-picking South some person would purposefully have other people's slaves be killed by a giant wolf. That is someone else's property. Slaves to that extent are safe from others besides the master. Some dude is not going to go out and start murdering slaves randomly because even the law protects the master's possessions. It just doesn't make any sense.

Now onto the good things: pretty much everything else. The plot is solid and feels like Final Fantasy returning to form. Big crystals that need to be destroyed, kingdoms falling, a higher power controlling things behind the scenes... One thing I appreciate, and I think many recent games have lost this, is XVI had many sidequests that had us check in on friends we've met along the way and continue with their subplots. You never really forget these people and it shows how a network of connections and bonds is maintained. Even Eastpool, which was massacred fairly early on, rises up again much later on.

Another factor that I think is important is I just like Clive a lot. He's also my favorite Final Fantasy protagonist since IX. Don't get me wrong; I did like Lightning but if I ever had to work toward a common goal with her in real life, I probably would punch her in the face. I have no idea how she was ever in the military because she has zero sense of teamwork, and she acts like an asshole to even people who are actively trying to help her. Clive in contrast is very mature, has strong leadership abilities, not overly angry or obnoxious or lonerlike, and is just trying to do good in the world. He does make mistakes, but they're reasonable ones that happen because he didn't have all the information or there were circumstances he couldn't've foreseen, unlike other protagonists who do things you know are wrong and stupid but they do it anyway for the sake of plot. He makes the effort to play with the kids even though he isn't great at it, and they admire him for that. Even when he's angry in the beginning of the game, he's still respectful toward Cid and says, "Thanks for saving me, I have nothing against you or your group, I just have my own path I need to take." He recognizes his own weaknesses, and in such situations seeks assistence or delegates to others. He feels like an actual, filled-out human being, and kudos to whoever wrote him.

The other members of the cast are great too. Jill is very badass but a bit quiet and subdued, but given her time in the Iron Kingdom that's understandable. I thought Joshua would just be a plot point, but he really grew into his own. Cid was fun to be with, and I was sad when he was gone. Gav as always was cool. The enemies were great too. Benedikta died early on, but they threw in a great backstory with the little time they had. Kupka was an idiot and not deep, but you could feel his love and pain. Dion's path was surprising and I never knew what his next step was.

The battle system is definitely the best in the series. It was cool to experiment with each of the summons, and really it can be tailored easily to your style. No one I've asked equipped the same three summons. It feels like they were trying to reach a God of War level of combat, but simultaneously they fumbled on the actual fights. Again, bosses were amazing, but regular fights were just meh. I guess that's why they threw in so many boss fights so frequently.

In terms of music XV was definitely better, but I wouldn't stick my nose up to this. As with many aspects of the game, there were a lot of throwbacks. Prelude and the Final Fantasy Theme came up repeatedly, but also On the Shoulders of Giants had the traditional Final Fantasy regular battle opening. And also randomly for one of the times you fight Ultima, it's the FFI world map theme. I've definitely heard better, but I could listen to this OST on its own. The lyrics however are stupid. From what I'm understanding, they tasked the English translator to provide them, and considering this is the dude that wrote out "such foul attaint may not be sublimed through gainstanding," you can tell where this is going. I'll give a few examples:

A sickle forged of adamant To server the man from his hooded past No more a slave to sorrow's gloom In onychine eyes burn chthonic doom An evil hidng from the sun Blinding, he screameth eschaton immanent Now in its wake yawned lightless abyss Yon gaping maw his circumfix

I feel like this written by a high schooler who believes using as much SAT vocabulary they just learned makes them sound more intelligent. I don't know why anyone would compose this.

Visually it's all right. XV had a prettier environment, but this wasn't bad, especially when you're walking around Rosaria. I touched on how you never explore epic architecture, but the nature is beautiful. Unfortunately in the second half of the game when everything goes to shit, the world gets this haze over it and nothing is appealing to look at (which isn't unusual; other Final Fantasies, especially VI had catastrophic situations in the second half of the game). I guess that's kinda the point; the Blight is wiping out everything and actually Clive's efforts could ultimately be for naught and it's too late.

Which is how I'm going to end: It's a very depressing game. There's a lot of death, a lot of tragedy, a lot of loss. Clive lives a totally fucked up life, and he's not alone. The fact I still enjoyed this never-ending sadness demonstrates how well it was done. Totally recommend, play it as soon as you can.

Also... can we address that whole Barnabas and his mom thing? They had literally one scene with that and never mentioned it again. What the fuck was with that?

[effira]

i don't know how on earth this happened but i just. suddenly understood painting. idk

my sillies. they are okay (only one of them will stay alive no matter what happens)

i should've never gone "oh what if i made lamb characters for some of the different cotl saves at my disposal" because now i'm attached and i gotta deal with the fact that these three can only exist and be happy together far far far in the past.

bonus doodles and a bunch of infodumping under the cut.

right so here in this image theyre all happy and wholesome right (yay) but at some point one of them has to be the last lamb to be sacrificed, which splits their universe up into three timelines, one for each of them being the vessel for the red crown. war and hate on planet earth.

alright let's get to the infodumping

Capri, based on my first playthrough and main save, starts off with the intention of doing as little harm as possible, going with the "good" doctrine options, feeding their followers well, etcetera, but over the years, out of both curiosity and the steady erosion of their moral code that comes with slaughtering hundreds just to get resources, they sink down on the alignment chart, coming to the point where they kill followers to switch their necklaces and cook up minced follower meat just because it gives them some diseased hearts for their crusades. They take pride in feeding their followers well, they married all the bishops (some of them only so they'd give more health if sacrificed to revive, but they will Never tell you which ones) and spend most of their time doing follower quests and getting enough meat, fish and veg to make the best possible meals for their following. sometimes they fall face first into the tarot cards when running into Clauneck. They make all their followers' clothes themselves, and stitch little bells into them to remind them of their family. Their cult sounds like a windchime.

^ virgo doodles from before i actually sat down to give her a proper design

Virgo, based on my mom's playthrough, probably wouldn't have it in her to be any good of a vessel if she had anything at all to lose anymore. She's a bit clumsy and has died on the battlefield many a time, sometimes even forgetting she's capable of dodging. What she lacks in hand-eye coordination, she more than makes up for in the way she takes care of her following. She only refuses follower requests if it's for their own good, like sacrificing another follower or asking for a bowl of poop. She puts a lot of thought into which follower to sacrifice on a crusade, and will often resurrect them right after she gets back. She hates Narinder. Absolutely cannot stand him at all. If she wasn't forced to do his bidding she wouldn't want ANYTHING to do with him. On the other hand, she has a great deal of respect for Heket, on the grounds of her being a strong-willed, self assured woman. She loves placing camelias all over her cult grounds and enjoys fishing a normal amount. She's very attached to Ratau and will often spend the night playing Knucklebones with him. She's also very enthusiastic whenever she meets Chemach during a crusade -- She doesn't attack Chemach's "followers," either out of germaphobia or out of pity. She's haunted by the restless spirit of Alfie, her first sacrifice (that's me! she didn't revive me. I'm haunting her now and making the commentary i give while watching my mom play a part of Virgo's character). She is very unimpressed by most threats. She should probably be impressed by most threats

Taurus, based on the most bloodthirsty speedrun I have ever witnessed live on the family switch, does not care for his followers. He's out for revenge, and that's it. He doesn't care for anything other than giving the bishops a taste of their own medicine after they ruthlessly slaughtered his entire species. He holds the same level of contempt for Narinder, as evidenced by the fact that he put him in jail Forever, only allowing him out to eat once a day. He has a soft spot for rabbit followers (except alfie. because in-game sibling violence overrides all characterization), but will Never tell you this. He's friends with Helob, if only because he brings him cooked follower meat. Originally a gentle soul, this immense thirst for violence and revenge was formed the day he came back to his village after a day of fishing and found it halfway through burning to the ground, with the heads of everyone he knew and loved (among which are the other two mentioned above) stacked in the centre of town. He has never truly cared for anything since. His fleece was made by Capri way back in the day (haha it would be so funny if this was the main image of this post) and it only acquired this status as a certified Golden Fleece upon obtaining the red crown. Taurus loves hammers and axes. If it hits hard, he'll enjoy using it for its intended purpose. He nearly always wears the same slightly off-putting beady-eyed smile on his face. To calm down after his long crusades, he likes to sit down and sing some songs, accompanied by his not-great-but-absolutely-not-bad guitar skills. He often does this right in front of his temple, and it's one of the only nice things his followers ever get to have.

alternate color version as a treat. thanks for reading through my massive walls of text.

cya! <3

[kakusu-shipping]

for bumi!!

🪿 - What’s the silliest thing you argue about?

🎻 - Do you have any shared hobbies? Are you competitive or do you help each other?

🪦 - Would they give a ‘shovel talk’ to a romantic F/O?

@i-put-the-s4p-in-s4pphic

More asks for my incredibly silly dad!!! Thankyou very much <3

🪿 - What’s the silliest thing you argue about?

Oh- What's the silliest thing we DON'T argue about would be a much simpler question!

King Bumi just loooooves messing with people, it's one of his favorite pass times, and I've realized over the years that I may very much be his favorite person to mess with.

He'll play devil's advocate over anything, so long as it's funny, and with impeccable logic too! Damn fool's lived over a hundred years so most people will take anything he says about history as fact, I KNOW when he's just lying for fun but no one would believe ME over the Great King Bumi, King of a Hundred Years!!

🎻 - Do you have any shared hobbies? Are you competitive or do you help each other?

King Bumi has many, many hobbies. Me, I just have art, mostly sculpting and painting. He can do that as well but I've far surpassed him in such skills.

I suppose the only "hobby" we really have in common is Earth Bending, but no, I'm not competitive about it.

I use to be a pretty strong bender, I had natural talent at a young age, it's how I was selected to be where I am now but... I never really had a passion for it, like King Bumi does.

We use to drill moves over and over, and I kept up with raw talent for a time. I suppose King Bumi, as wise as he is, eventually noticed I wasn't as in it as he was, it wasn't my passion. So he threw harder stuff at me until raw talent wasn't enough anymore.

I don't know if he was trying to force me to try or force me to stop trying, doesn't really matter in the long run. I fell down, got hurt, admitted I didn't care about being strong and....

Well, we had a good talk after that, I suppose, and I began focusing my true passion instead. Knowing him, that was his intention from the start.

🪦 - Would they give a ‘shovel talk’ to a romantic partner?

I had to look up what a "shovel talk" is kfgjkdfg

Yyyyyyeeeeeees...? Maybe? I'm not sure. I've never had a romantic partner or interest in anyone?

Though apparently some people thought King Kuei and I were a newly wed pair on our honeymoon while we were traveling after the siege of Ba Sing Se. And some even asked if we'd coupled after we returned, though I'm not sure why...

If I did gain a romantic partner I'm unsure how His Majesty King Bumi would react, I'm not his blood relative, and he's never seemed the Over Protective type, so I'm sure it wouldn't bother him at all.

(OOC: Bumi WOULD give a shovel talk to whoever Emile brought home as a significant other, and even gave one to Earth King Kuei upon their return due to the rumors following them. He's about 70% joking with his threats, and 100% serious with his jokes!)

[mcflymemes]

NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue from the 2007 film

maybe one day i'll wear this to a party i'm actually invited to.

this is the right place.

did no one read my book?

let me guess! it's the wrong time! it's the wrong place! i'm wrong again!

it could contain something dangerous!

we're in england.

you fell in love with me on a treasure hunt.

then fine! if that's what you want, then let's have it out right now!

i flew all the way to london to offer my help, and you don't need it?

if you were trying to convince me, you'd have less evidence and i'd already believe you by now.

concealed in those pages is the key to something much, much bigger.

that was not love! that was excitement! adrenaline! tequila!

you're the one making a scene right now.

i was going to have the movers bring them to you next week.

you know what that means.

you have his number on speed dial?

take it from the best. you're a natural.

that's very nice, but it's kind of a bad time right now.

you're so good at puzzles, i'm sure you'll figure it out.

i want you to do something for me.

death and despair. mostly death.

you guys are so great together.

i get lucky a lot.

all of you will get credit for this discovery.

it's a little golden man.

you're wrong to assume i'd like the chair.

your dad called me.

just promise you'll come back for me.

did you get a chance to look at page 47?

you're wearing the perfume i got you.

the fire alarm's gone off.

this doesn't involve another treasure hunt, does it?

well, would you look at that.

my first felony.

just because you may know what my answer is going to be, doesn't mean you don't have to ask me.

what is going on with the education in america?

the past is filled with incredible mysteries.

everyone listen to this.

what's the final clue?

even if something like that really did exist, why do you think i would actually just give it to you?

i was going to say you could keep them.

we gotta be on the other side of that door!

so when did you realize it was a fake argument?

you did that in twenty five seconds.

they want to believe it.

two hundred people know you held me against my will.

i'm gonna kidnap him.

you've got to find where that leads before they do.

you always seem to know what's best.

we won't leave you behind.

get out of there. i had to move the car.

just because i answer a question quickly doesn't make it wrong.

all i need is a few minutes with the president.

are you talking about the book?

god save the queen.

sorry. couldn't resist.

i need to see that book.

just have a look at that.

where's the phone?

that's what couples do.

my girlfriend kicked me out.

this could be a horrible trap.

oh, now look what you've done.

wait, is there more than one?

been drinking, have we?

nobody leaves unless i say so.

dismount the bannister!

you can do that?

what did you find now? atlantis?

when i assume i'm right, and it turns out my assumption is correct, how is that wrong?

one of us is going to have to stay behind.

we have thirty seconds to disable the alarm.

oh look. my tax dollars at work, coming to arrest me.

people don't believe in that stuff anymore.

there are three, actually.

so i guess my opinion doesn't matter.

that door's not gonna stay open by itself.

i can't find anything in this mess.

when you make a decision without asking me, and you happen to be right... you got lucky.

no, i'm just kidding.

is that for us?

the last time i checked, we make our living off crazy.

wouldn't it just have been easier to make an appointment?

i think it smells kind of pretty.

well, you never know.

we both know what has to happen here.

it's only temporary until i can find a new place.

the following conversation never took place.

when did you realize that i was actually arguing during the fake argument?

what book?

i'll drive.

one of us stays behind.

what's new with you?

that's not true.

someone else is after the treasure.

maybe you could come and move back in with me?

you think we don't know about it?

i've been doing the math here.

when you say "so" it means you're angry.

do you know the origin of the expression?

it's sort of like a puzzle.

history can remember you forever.

why would i overreact to that?

how'd they find us so quick?

[asherloki]

Can you write an angsty fic using inspiration from the song exile by Taylor Swift ft. Bon Iver? Specifically for Marc Spector. Thanks alot! Keep writing 😘

Exiled without you

Marc Spector x reader

Word count:- 599

Angsty

A/n:- you guys are amazing. I love all these ideas.

You watched everyone clapping for both you and your boyfriend, David. Well fiance now, he just proposed you infront of all your family and acquaintances. And apparently you said "yes". Why won't you? He's a good man, he understands you, he is everything you could've ever asked for, he loves you dearly. But do you? did you truly loved him or you loved the way he loved you. Because all the time your family clapped for you you watched just one person from the corner of your eye. Marc Spector, your ex, although David doesn't know that, he thinks he's just a friend.

You saw him standing a little far from everybody, clapping, fake clapping rather, his gaze piercing your heart, as if you betrayed him, but did you? you'll never know.

After the engagement you talked with everyone of his family and friends, trying to know them better. Marc still stood far, watching you, slipping out of his hand. It's not new to you, none of you previous relationships lasted. It felt like watching a film you've watched before and the ending never been appreciated by you.

A few minutes later when you were laughing with your fiance you heard people screaming 'stop, leave him' at someone, both you and david ran to see what's going on. To your horror, Marc was beating David's brother.

"Marc" you shouted at him before running into the fight and standing before Marc, shielding your would be brother in law, "I said STOP IT".

Your anger made him stop hurting him. You knew he won't Speak a word infront of people, so you took him by his wrist and turned to David, "I'm talking to him, alone about it, hope you understand".

"ofcourse, don't worry about it darling" he nodded.

You took Marc a little far and asked, "what happened? what the hell were you doing?".

"you're going to be his sister in law, only if you heard the words he said about you" he said. You had the idea your brother in law doesn't quite likes you.

"I don't wanna know what he said, he's not David, he doesn't matter" you replied.

"but he has no fucking right to talk such nonsense about you" Marc shouted the last words. And his anger, his passion, coming exactly when it was too late, made you even more upset, angry, devastated, so you shouted back,

"I'm not your problem anymore... why are you so ... difficult".

Marc went silent, you're right, he realised it now, "exactly" he said, followed by a little pause, "I shouldn't defend you, you're not my homeland now are you?" his words broke your heart into pieces, "you left me in exile."

"I told you, or tried to, a hundred times" you spoke, you wanted to tell him how it wasn't working, how it was going towards the end of it like the previous ones, but he never understood you, now when it's too late, he has no right to fight for you.

"you could've told me a few times more! we could've done something". He said, now getting red out of anger, sadness.

"everything has it's limit, just go now Marc" You didn't want to send him away, but that was the only way to be able to accept the life with David without regretting what you could've had with Marc. Marc stared at you, Without a word he turned and walked away never looking back again. You stood there watching him go, you had everything now yet him leaving you felt like you're in exile, just like him.

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

a good example of incompatible coping mechanisms-

My older sisters will not stop telling me how much they miss our mom. Who is dead. And has been dead for over a year.

and i am so incredibly tired

"I can't believe she's gone" my second eldest sister tells me, again, "I feel weaker without her. She gave me such strength. Send me a picture of her grave and tell her I miss her."

Thank you for making it my problem. Thank you for reminding me she's gone. Thank you for assuming I'll be your grief councilor. Thank you for adding yet another thing I have to do, when you KNOW I already have trouble just making food for myself once a day.

Thank you for accepting that I respect how you express your grief, without ever once, apparently, realizing I Don't Like Talking About Mom Being Dead.

Because, as I've TOLD YOU BEFORE, every moment of every day I'm reminded of her. I live in her house. I am trying to fill the gap in this family she left behind- I held all three of you dramatic people together when you guys (my older siblings) (older than me by TEN years, by FIFTEEN years) decided that it couldn't possibly be grief that was making you all act tense and techy, no, it must be that you three were never really sisters at all and blah blah blah, I told you that's fine, I said that's okay, I was the one playing TELEPHONE with you three for MONTHS. I was the one spending three to five hours individually listening to you guys sob and doing mental jenga trying to figure out how to talk you off your latest metaphorical cliff's edge.

I have never. ONCE. Initiated a talk about mom being dead.

I am trying. And you all KNOW it because I've TOLD you. I'm trying to figure out. How to live alone. For the First. Time. In. My. Life.

WHILE BEING UNEMPLYED AND UNEMPLOYABLE

WHILE MAKING SURE MY NEPHEW HAS SOMEWHERE SAFE HE CAN HANG OUT WITHOUT PEOPLE CONSTANTLY SNAPPING AT HIM FOR THE NORMAL EVERYDAY THINGS HE DOES TO GET HIMSELF THROUGH THE DAY- LIKE CHANTING RANDOM WORDS, OR YELPING, OR RUNNING AROUND FOR A BIT- HARMLESS THINGS YOU ALL JUST CANNOT BE CHILL ABOUT APPARENTLY

oh but you are in pain. yes. you want to talk about how you saw mom in a dream last night. how the night before that it was a nightmare. how you feel like you'll never be whole again now mom's gone

Well shit I'm sorry I'm not mom.

I'm sorry you're all hurting so much and don't want to (can't admit) that this is a grief OUR mom lived through too. This is a pain MOST kids will face.

It is not the end of the world, even if it feels like it.

Even if it's happening to YOU.

And you know what? Expressing emotion is good! But thoughts are like muscles- the more you think them, the easier it is to fall into the pattern of thinking them.

That's why, when I talk about mom, I talk about her life.

I talk about happy moments, funny moments. Moments that were shared.

Because I don't JUST want to be sad when I remember her. There's the thing Jewish people say about their dead- My their memory be a blessing. I want mom to be a blessing for me. Even if she can't talk to me anymore. When I think of her, I know it'll hurt- always- but I want it to be followed by a smile. SHE would have wanted me to smile.

And I've told all that to you guys, too.

But. It doesn't feel like you listen.

I was twenty-eight when my mom died. I caught her when the thing went wrong in her head, I got her to the couch, I sang to her over the phone as she died, I kept my voice calm and bright, and told her it's okay, I talked to her as if she could still hear me just in case she could, you guys said "she can't hear you" and I said "That's fine. It doesn't hurt" i tried to make sure she wasn't alone, from hundreds of miles away, while the rest of you sat together with her and talked over like she was already gone. And probably she was. But would it have hurt to make SURE? Did I sound silly, talking to her like that? Why on earth would that matter?

The only person I'd ever lived with. The only person I could talk to without worrying she'd get angry at me. Without worrying she'd dismiss me because I haven't dated, haven't had a job, haven't traveled much.

The only person I could be myself around. And she's gone. And it does indeed SUCK.

My sisters aren't wrong for wanting to talk about their pain to someone who understands.

They just, don't understand that I'm, not the one they should keep talking to.

Not like this.

I'll go and take the picture of the grave. I won't say anything to the grave though.

The other problem is they all have decided to be spiritual about this, they've decided mom's spirit is something they can feel, they've decided that's the default, the obvious, and I'm

Mom is dead.

She lives on in all the people who ever met her. In a million countless ways she was part of this world. But I can't get spiritual about it. And. I don't want to.

It was enough that she lived. I don't need more.

I wish I had an older sister who'd actually meet me where I am in this. Or at least fucking leave me alone. At least listen.

If wishes were horses, though, we'd ride everywhere.

Instead we have to find a way to walk.

Anyway.

Don't use your family members as therapists, folks. It can lead to them having to call a crisis line just to get through the week. Maybe you should cut out the middle man and do that yourself, next time.

just a thought