#< for reachability don’t hurt me

[charliemwrites]

Part 6 of SpecGru (former 141) reader; Simon’s perspective again.

Content: brief implication/mention of reader having idle suicidal ideation. In the way of “I don’t care if something happens to me” kind of way. Happens during a phone call between Price and reader’s new captain.

Please be careful and safe. If someone needs this part summarized, let me know. I love you all very much <3

Here’s the truth of it: Simon never meant for you to leave.

You were too close, that was true. He did everything short of actually hurting you to drive you away. Treated you like a plaything, took your kindness and patience and feelings for him for granted. Left you cold and alone in a hospital bed — unable to see you pale and half-dead all because you were so goddamn headstrong…

That had put it all in vicious perspective. That he couldn’t keep you safe; knowing him, following him, would surely end with you on a metal table rather than a clean hospital bed.

In hindsight, he knows it was as much for his own sake as yours, trying to force that emotional distance between you two. But he just… he can’t do it. Not again. Not you. You’d break him.

But he never meant for you to leave. Not really.

Maybe take an extended solo mission. Or just break off the romance of it all. Maybe you’d stay away for a while, give him time to sort out his feelings and shove the useless ones back into the pit they belong in.

He didn’t expect you to be gone as soon as you could stand.

“You said yourself, Simon, she’s too young and reckless. The 141 can’t afford to babysit her,” Price explained.

“She nearly got you killed, LT,” Soap pointed out. That was before he found out that you were gone for good, not just on disciplinary leave.

And when he did…

“No. No, she dinnae…” he wiped a hand down his face, eyes going a bit glassy. “Why? Why would she… didn’t we mean anythin’ to her? I know we were all a bit on the rocks but ‘s just cos she gave us a scare…”

Gaz took it the hardest, showing up most morning with red-rimmed, puffy eyes. He tried texting you a hundred times; they never went through.

He and Soap begged Price to reconsider, saying that he had no right to kick you out without consulting the rest of the squad.

“I just told her that she should consider transfer,” Price corrected, steely.

“Same fuckin’ thing, ain’t it?” Soap raged. “What else ‘s she gonna do when it’s her captain sayin’ it?”

And Price had finally crumbled, his stubbornness giving way to a clearer head and regret in the aftermath. Simon knew how he felt; had been haunted with the same gut-wrenching feeling for two weeks by that point.

“You’re right. I shouldn’t have…” he wiped a hand down his face. “I’ll call Laswell, see if she can put us through.”

As it turned out, your new team had deployed you almost immediately. You were gone, relying on teammates you barely knew, and there was no guarantee when (or even if) you’d be reachable again.

When Laswell put Price through to your new captain instead, he scoffed down the line.

“That how the great John Price sends off his own?” He gruffed.

“I take care of my own,” Price replied, narrow-eyed.

“That’s explains it then, doesn’t it?” A shifting on the other end. “Well, she’s one of mine now, at least; better off that way I think.”

He was on speaker phone with the SpecGru captain. Shouldn’t have been, but it wasn’t a confidential call. So the rest of the 141 was there, vibrating with the effort to stay quiet.

Simon balled his hands into fists, arms crossed. He didn’t trust anyone with one of theirs. No, you belonged right there with the rest of the 141. They could keep you safe, keep you alive.

“The hell is that supposed to mean?” Price growled.

“Let me just ask you this, Price. And only because I need to know how to take care of her.” A pause, shuffling of papers. Something heavy and almost… hesitant in the silence before- “Did she always have this DNR order?”

Price’s office turned to ice. Simon’s entire shuddered, cored out. The arm of the chair Soap was occupying cracked. Gaz’s hand was covering his mouth, blood draining from his face.

“No,” Price answered, voice little more than rust.

A grunt on the other end.

“Thanks for the insight,” your new captain replied, sounding nonplussed. “At least you were good for something.”

The line droned, dead.

—

You’re standing with the rest of SpecGru, beaming like each and every one of them hung a star just for you. They orbit like you’re the sun, even Nikto, holding you in his arms, letting you lean back against him.

(You used to look at Simon like that. Used to let him hug you like that on the occasion he was weak and gave into the temptation to hold you.)

Every time he looks at you, it’s like a stranger with your face all over again.

You hold your shoulders differently. Tilt your head different. Have a certain control over your facial features better than any mask Simon’s donned.

Today you’re dressed down from your tac uniform. Specifically, your long-sleeve thermal has been replaced by a sleeveless gym shirt. It reveals that tattoo he caught only a glimpse of before — a big, intricate thing from your shoulder down your wrist.

(He and Johnny were going to go with you for your first tattoo. You asked them for all sort of recommendations. Enjoyed tracing Simon’s sleeve when he let you.)

There are more scars too. Burns, bullet grazes, jagged knife marks and patches from bad scrapes.

Nova is finishing up the wrapping on your hand, the other already done. You’re listening to something Russ is spouting off about, whatever it is making you laugh loud enough to be heard where Simon is lurking.

“C’mon,” Johnny says, bumping shoulders with Simon. “Know we fucked up yesterday, but we can try again. Maybe letting her beat the shite out of us will help clear the air, aye?”

Simon forces himself to look away. He already knows you won’t be glancing over.

“Yeah,” he replies. “Maybe.”

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Masterlist

[annewithaneofthegreengable]

Mr Long Legs and Ms Pocket Size

Summary: Toto loves that his girlfriend has to cling to him like a koala whenever she wants to kiss him. OR how Y/n has to constantly pull off the highest heels just to stand next to her “giant” boyfriend.

A/N: I will add a small smau right below so stay tuned u guys!

Toto and his girlfriend, who he lovingly calls his 'short stack,' wake up every day with a smile on their faces. They start their day with a kiss, normally she would have to hold onto him just to give him a peck on the lip. As they go about their morning routine, Toto can't help but grin as he watches her attempt to reach things on high shelves, which is often caused by him because he often teases her by placing things on the top shelf that are out of her reach, knowing she would have to call him for the help. 

“Damn you and your heights, who would put their everyday mugs on the highest place on the cupboard!”

“It’s not that high, Schatz. Look! It’s very much reachable. Well, compared to my size of course. Here you go.”

“New information, in case you don’t know… I am not your size”

“I’m pretty much aware of that, you are rather pocket-size, Liebe.”

His girlfriend playfully rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest.

"You know very well I'm not as tall as you, you oversized giant," she said with a hint of amusement. 

"But I guess being so towering has its downside. You're constantly losing things behind the cabinets and on top of the fridge. I suppose height isn't everything." Toto chuckled, wrapping his arm around her waist. 

"Height has its benefits, especially when it comes to pulling pranks on my short stack girl," he said while kissing her neck.

“Have you grown? Liebe.”

“Just for today, so pretty much yes.” Y/n grins then lifts her shoe high enough to reveal heels that make Toto’s jaw drop a little before he begins laughing hysterically. 

“Gotta pull off these bad bitches right here so that the press can take a picture with both of us without cutting your legs out of the frame.”

“There’s no way you’re gonna survive the whole day with those on.”

“Watch me! Toto.”

“Please! For the sake of me, just wear something flatter, like trainers, or your flats.”

“Nope.” She said with the sound pop “p”. 

Y/n is well aware that Toto enjoys the benefits of such a height gap, but it's enjoyable to tease him about being able to close the space on occasion.

"Shall we go?" Y/n asks making Toto sigh looking down at her feet again before nodding.

“If you ever feel any sort of discomfort please come to me right away. Yes? Liebe”

“Alright, Mr Long Legs”

Y/n confidently struts towards the door with Toto trailing behind her. As they step inside the paddock, they are immediately greeted by a swarm of press and fans clamouring to catch a glimpse of the famous couple. Toto watches in amazement as Y/n effortlessly strikes a series of poses, her confidence and poise perfectly fitting the larger-than-life persona she had adopted for the day. Despite her high heels, she didn't falter and instead embraced the spotlight with grace, leaving Toto in awe of her confidence and charisma. He also couldn't help but feel a little nervous at the idea of her wearing such high shoes all day, but his girlfriend was determined to make a statement. 

“Someone is a bit taller today?” Lewis said chuckling.

“Yes, Lewis. I’m even at your head level today. Still not quite George’s height but one step at a time, right?”

“Impressive… But I prefer the tiny boss to be tiny. Because those heels can break your toes or something.”

“It’s quite hurtful now but don’t you dare tell Toto. I’m trying to stay above a little longer today. Maybe till the race ends, then I will take it off.”

“Promise?”

“Swear on my toes, Lewis. Now get in the car. “

As Toto listened to Y/n's exchange with Lewis, he couldn't help but feel a pang of worry deep in his chest, with a little pang of jealousy as he heard Lewis make the comment about preferring her to be tiny, but he quickly pushed it aside. In his eyes, his girlfriend was perfect no matter her height. He knew how determined and fierce she could be, but the thought of her hurting herself in those towering shoes left him feeling uneasy. As Lewis walked away, Toto approached Y/n with a small frown, as he gently lifted her foot and carefully removed her heeled shoes, he couldn't help but notice the slight tension in her expression. He could tell she was disappointed that her attempt to be "taller" had come to an abrupt end. But he knew that her safety and well-being were his top priority, and he wasn't willing to risk her getting injured just for the sake of appearing taller. As he lowered her feet back to the ground, Toto looked up at her with a mixture of concern and affection "You know," he began, his tone tender, "you're perfect just the way you are, Liebe. Whether you're towering in those shoes or not." He gently ran a hand up her slender leg, his touch affectionate. "I don't care one bit about your height. I just want you to be safe and comfortable. That's all that matters to me."

Y/n couldn't help but soften at Toto's words, her disappointment at having to remove the heels fading in the warm glow of his affection. "I know," she replied, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth. She reached down to brush a stray lock of hair out of his eyes, her touch gentle. "I just wanted to stand a bit taller for a change, you know? But I understand where you're coming from." She gave him a grin. "Next time, perhaps I will try on some wedges platform?”

liked by mercedesamgf1, lewishamilton, georgerussell63 and others

y/n_user: Can someone tell him to give me some of his height?

mercedesamgf1 we will try tiny boss

y/n_user Thanks admin! I appreciate ur help lewishamilton Can u tell him to save some for me also! Much needed it y/n_user Go find ur own! This is mine already

user_1 Mrs Long Legs now

user_2 Those shoes could kill

user_3 Can u save some for Yuki too

y/n_user Noted user_4 Tell Yuki to take it from his bf gasly

lilymhe Pretty heels for ma wifey

y/n_user Stop it wifey they're killlinggg meee lilymhe U can always sit on my lap wifey mercedesamgf1 Please stop calling my missus your wifey - toto user_1 the boss has joined the chat mic drop

user_5 Not toto using the company acc

liked by mercedesamgf1, lewishamilton, georgerussell63 and others

y/n_user photo dump and date night with my Mr Long Legs and he calls me his Ms Pocket Size so screw the heels

user_2 She looks so good!

user_3 THEY ARE THE POWER COUPLE!!

user_1 Dear mr future husband pls take note

lilymhe love you beautiful!

user_6 ATE and left NO CRUMBS

lewishamilton gorgeous - toto wolff

lewishamilton i don’t have instagram - toto wolff

y/n_user pls give lewis his ig acc back old man!

user: nOt the sign off by toto himself 😭😭

mercedesamgf1: finest couple ever! 😮‍💨

user admin— you’re so real for this omg user admin knows what’s up user can toto fight? user can’t fight for a championship that’s for sure

mercedesamgf1 the boss says you’re gorgeous

user GIVE THIS PERSON A RAISE FOR THEIR HARD WORK mercedesamgf1 so true

[houseflyy]

muse-based dash game: do not reblog. copy & paste!

objective: show your followers you see them by tagging 10 (or more) people your muse(s) personally want to get to know better. this can be taken as an invitation to approach a mun for plot development.

filled out for: melody!

favorite color(s): blue, purple, pink! she tends to gravitate toward cooler colors and colors that remind her of her friends

what’re they wearing right now?: acorn cap on head. that’s it 👍

where are they at currently?: i don’t know! true to fly nature she’ll show up just about anywhere eventually. in a garbage can. up a tree. in your pockets

song stuck in their head: the entire twenty minutes of this baby sensory video

last song they listened to: piano sonata no. 11 (secondhand listening)

3 favorite foods:

strawberries!!! she’ll eat it in anything. she prefers the real stuff over artificial flavoring but she’s not picky

steak! a sirloin cooked rare is her meat of choice. but again she can’t be too picky because she’s a scavenger and can’t order or make her own food

jellies and jams! of course she’ll say strawberry is her favorite variety, and she likes all kinds of fruit flavors too. she’ll also accept the jelly cups/pots made specifically for bugs

dream trip: most any place we would call mundane is new and exciting for her to some level; every day can be a dream trip in her eyes! but ultimately she’s wondering if a “trip straight home” is an option 🤔 she dreams of it, and it's very out of reach

anything your muse wants right now: she can always say she wants her father first and foremost, but something more reachable at the moment would be something good to eat. you did just ask her about her favorite foods

favorite personal headcanon: if melody gets cold enough, she’ll fall asleep! the duality of this is that it could either make for a hurt/comfort rescue scenario in a cold setting or, if she’s too rambunctious, your muse can put her in a fridge for a bit

favorite quote of the hour: direct melody quote (in response to another muse being nervous around a talking bug): “i understand what you mean. i’ve never met a talking bug either.”

tagged by: @elphilim (thank you!! <3) tagging: @littlemetalbiter @ofteaandmagic @let-me-be-surprised @thetoyboxtoyhouse @purelyradiating @icangiveyouanything @green-eyed-prophet @thespiritofwillow @fifthdimensicn @chainsxwsmile @fledercanons @deathdvncer @stonesreef @chainxdancer @drachliebe (if you want!!!)

[omiiomiaaus]

LET YOU GO | Toji Fushiguro

Emotionally unavailable Toji x reader Drabble

Angst, hurt no comfort lol, Toji finks you deserve betta than what he can giv ya. Broke asf Toji, umm he’s like 33 and you’re like 25, megumi is like 9 or something idk whatever makes sense I guess lol. she/her pronouns used, Not proofread bc I’m lazy. Short asf and mid asf

The only thing Toji was good at was keeping to himself and making you feel like you would never be fully a part of his life.

“you and me?” he questioned. “There is no you and me, baby.”

the only thing you could do is hold in your tears, because Toji Fushiguro will never let you break down his walls. He was completely un reachable, and he wasn’t about to let you make him vulnerable to his own feelings, or so he thought.

“You’re just wasting your time, sweetheart.” He continues, having audacity to still call you pet names. The same ones he said when he was sweet talking you into his bed.

“Toji, why can’t you just let me be there for you?” You said, a futile attempt to get him to listen to you. “You sound desperate baby, it’s not cute.”

“Stop it.. stop being so mean, I don’t get it.. I do everything for you, why can’t you just..” you couldn’t even finish your sentence, you didn’t want to give up on him but at this point you were just making a fool of yourself in front of him.

“Why can’t I just what? Love you? Why can’t you just open your eyes and realize I’m not the kind of guy who’s gonna settle down with a girl who’s got her whole life ahead of her.” He spat out, looking down at you with disbelief. “I got no job, I got a kid that’s almost half your age, and a shitty apartment with my mattress on the floor… you want that?”

The look in his eyes made you feel inferior, his gaze judging your soul. “Stop trying to make me hate you.. when did things go wrong? Why are you pushing me away?” You asked, hoping to get through to him.

“You deserve a man who’ll give you what you need. I got nothing going for me, what makes you think I’ll be good to you?” He said, softly this time. He looked away, shaking his head and letting out a soft sigh. “You think I won’t love you because you have nothing to your name?” You asked. It hurt to think he thought of you so superficially.

“It’s not about you loving me, it’s about me being good enough.” He yelled, immediately going back to his stoic nature.

“Toji don’t you get it?” You yelled back at him.

“I’ll love you no matter what! I don’t care if you have nothing, I don’t care if I have to live in the darkest corner of the world… I love you, I need you and I want to have you with me always!” You felt like your heart couldn’t take much more rejection. But you realized that Toji was slowly cracking. He went from pushing you away for no reason, finally showing his true concerns.

“Please…” you said, barely above a whisper.

“It’s for your own good” he said while turning his back to you, getting ready to walk away and out of your life. Something caused you to jump up and hold on to him when he started to leave.

“Wait Toji please don’t leave!” You yelled, voice desperate. You held on to him so tight. This isn’t how you want to remember him, you wanted to remember the Toji that reciprocated your affection.

He pulled his arm out your grip forcefully, causing you to stumble back a little bit.

“What about megumi? He needs me!” You plead again, trying to find anything to get him to let you stay in his life. He turns his head back side eyeing you, back still turned towards you. “He has to learn heart break at some point.” He said coldly.

“So that’s it? You’re just gonna walk out my life after all these years… you’re just gonna shut me out that fast?”

“Just forget about me.”

That was the last thing you remember of Toji Fushiguro. The pain he made you feel and the words he spoke that night would always be held in your mind. Memories resurfacing of when you two were happy together, it felt like your mind was taunting you.

AN: hope you enjoyed… lowkey want to make a pt 2 bc I always want to have lore to my fics LMAOO but I might not… depends.

- omi

[xentari94]

I don’t usually read much from Screen Rant but- that whole article on how Tech could very well be 100% alive as cx2 just boosted my fucking morale so much. Like- I know it’s stuff that’s already been gone over but still… no matter how many times I’ve heard it, hearing it again is what keeps me hopeful.

Tech, sweetheart, come back beautiful we need you 😭🧡🙏🏻

I know it’s gonna hurt like hell to see him so lost, and I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to get back to where he was pre fall, but I have faith he’ll be okay.

I honestly think now that this is what they meant when there had to be a consequence from going against Tarkin. It had nothing to do with Tarkin, and sacrifice doesn’t always have to signify death. Tech’s alive, but the possibility is high that he’s lost a part of himself. Along with this marking the end of his days as a soldier, the only thing he’s ever really known.

This isn’t a happily ever after. Happily ever after would be Tech recovers fully and as much as I hate to admit it, I don’t see that happening. I want it to happen, but realistically… I mean the show could take it either way. But this could be what is supposed to be the bitter-sweet ending. Everyone lives, but each has been individually changed, and not all positively as such in Tech’s case.

And that is why I too feel like it will be partly Omega who finds a way to help him because of what Tech once told her. It will be far from easy, and he’ll need all his family, but as a whole they find a way to adapt like they always have.

I don’t think they will return to Pabu, not because they wouldn’t be welcomed back, I believe even Tech would be even after what’s happened if Shep were ever to find out it was him as cx2. I don’t think Shep would blame him for something that Tech did not want.

They wouldn’t want to put Pabu on the radar again. So that steady life Hunter wants for Omega might not be reachable with who they are, always having to remain on the run, but that’s okay. As long as they have each other, Phee as well because I see them all grouping after this, then the future isn’t bleak. There’s promise. Hope.

[blowflyfag]

Pro Wrestling Illustrated: 1995 THE YEAR IN WRESTLING. March 1996

MOST POPULAR WRESTLER OF THE YEAR: SHAWN MICHAELS 27,783 votes

The day after WrestleMania XI, “Psycho” Sid Vicious attacked Shawn Michaels, the man who was employing him as a bodyguard. What happened next put Michaels on the road to winning our Most Popular Wrestler of the Year award for the first time.

When Shawn’s good friend Diesel, who had been his enemy for several months before this incident, saved “The Heartbreak Kid” from further punishment and chased Sid away, fans responded with cheers for both men that set Michaels on a course toward unprecedented popularity. Those who once enjoyed despising him became eager to embrace him. And even before Michaels became a full-fledged fan favorite, he had his share of fans. 

“Michaels always struck me as being extremely arrogant,” wrote Nate Suarez of Montreal. “But now I'm seeing a different side of him. He’s more appreciative of the fans. He’s still cocky, but I can overlook that now.”

What Michaels has in abundance is charisma. He is naturally a very attractive personality, and the fans responded to that.

“He’s very charming,” wrote Sandra Trell of Cheyenne, Wyoming. “He’ll do something that’s really rotten, but then he’ll give the crowd a certain look, and everybody will think his opponent deserved exactly what Shawn did to him. It’s like I cheer in spite of myself.”

It doesn’t hurt, of course, that Michaels is a handsome man. For some of his supporters, that is more significant than any wrestling maneuver he uses.

“My heart skips a beat everytime I see him on TV or at the arena,” gushed Roberta Ashanti of St. Paul Minnesota. “How could you not love him?”

However, it isn’t Michaels’ good looks that have carried him to the peak. He is without question one of the sport’s outstanding technical wrestlers. ”That’s why I like him,” wrote Sam Gray of North Bergen, New Jersey. “Forget all that glitz and the hype; the guy isa terrific wrestler. He could beat anybody in the world.”

Clearly, Michaels is the most popular wrestler in the WWF, and one who doesn’t mind sharing the spotlight with his friend Diesel. After the Sid fiasco, Michaels displayed no jealousy toward “Big Daddy Cool” while he was World champion. It is an attitude that added to his popularity.

Next year could be different. Michaels could turn rulebreaker again. But for now, Shawn deserves all the favorable attention he gets.

RUNNERS-UP

STING: 17,728 votes

First runner-up: Last year’s winner is the most popular athlete in his federation, WCW. Sting even hears a few more cheers than his friend Hulk Hogan. One possible reason: He seems more sincere and reachable than the “Hulkster.” Supporters respect Sting for always playing by the rules and for not abandoning WCW for other opportunities. 

DIESEL: 13,450 votes

Second runner-up: He isn’t quite as popular as Michaels, but “Big Daddy Cool” still has a wildly enthusiastic following. Aside from displaying vastly improved skills, Diesel has proved himself quite articulate in the talk-show circuit, and that doubtless has won him fans who don’t normally watch on TV or travel to the arenas.

HULK HOGAN: 11,831 votes

Third runner-up: a decade ago, Hogan was more popular than any professional wrestler ever had been. Today he hears a few more boos, but there are still thousands of loyal “Hulkamaniacs” who believe there’s nobody better than their man. It is a popularity that persists on the strength of what he has done on the movie set, but in the ring.

VOTES FOR OTHERS (8,730)

Some of the top vote-getters who did not capture a runner-up spot include: Bam Bam Bigelow, Tommy Dreamer, Bret Hart, Public Enemy, Razor Ramon, Randy Savage, Tracey Smothers, and The Undertaker.

[desmaterializandose]

On living and loving.

I must do well and be kind, at least for thy who have done it for me; cherishing and bringing a smile to nature, for someday I laughed and felt loved when useless. Things could be better, but only by improving it in the sake of others; and the distance that I stretch my endearment and efforts, devotion that I gave to the garden, is equal to the meaning it gathers. Essentially, caring for those that are still to come is the ultimate state of realization. It isn’t because our eyes stare at this starless sky, that no eye shall ever be flooded by the mesmerizing waltz of galaxies. The proportion in which we complain about and loath existence is the exact same proportion by which it gets more and more dreadful. Although experience have a deep and long-lasting suffering possibility, it still one flavor of the substance from what we extract all the succulence and peace reachable; by itself, being is no more than the capacity of being, therefore it has no moral, only perspective and perception. Strong enough to love being hated, receiving hatred without passing it along. Picture turning forgiveness in armor and joy as weapon. Don’t blame the cosmos for its traumas, heal it. The improvement of life is achievable, and it starts by dealing with its aggression, handling its blows and all the feelings that arise from it without hurting it back. We are the world, and, to me, the world is you too. Seeking well-being, choose the lesser evil and the greatest good; this is not summarized on loving everything, neither trying to hurt nothing. The pleasure or pain that comes from a smell is dependent on the nose that it arrive. Don't try to make all your fruits sweet for every taste, but take care of the fruition by the sake of those that will rejoice in its flavor, and be respectful about the danger it delivers to the wrong appetites. I don't really know why I love, and maybe that is love. There are causes, otherwise we won't have the effect, but its unpretentious and self grateful state reach the peak of grace and sublime, because it only gives and manifest, and doesn't have the slightest need. Having good and evil in our own way of being, anger really show up together, like two faces of the same coin. Some species of it hurt the beloved, and also the other way around. It is a complex and emergent feeling, which the definition shouldn't be held by something simple as that fairy alike tale of flowers and springs. It has its shadows. On its depths, come from the happiness of having others in spite of the reality not being what we want it to be. Satisfaction that arises from being exactly what we are in the place we live and surrounded by what we have, even if it hurts, and sometimes we wander lost. Nexus in coexisting, while we feel it on ourselves, it's also an experience shared with between all stuff, and through which we share a little of our souls. This connection is what attach all inside the same event-horizon, and make the whole bigger than the sum of its parts. If we see fire, ignore or spread it and all we see turn into smoke. To receive, we give. Lacking and thirst is crucial for growth, and to evolve. What is already full can't be fulfilled. No matter what, we are living, breathing through all souls, in spite of all the ways that we could be not; my issues, human troubles or life on earth adversities; we are along with us, including animals, trees, bacteria and whatever more hide on the ground or beneath the stars. Gigantic universe, within where energy beat hearts and matter do poems. Nerves are a gift for those who seek enlightenment. We are between immeasurable possibilities. Infinity is more than enough to stack adventures and happy encounters. There's just too much to not smile any. Ain't exit to dying, so living is our own sacred ritual. We are not the main characters of the story, as there is none, all interact as supporting roles. Everything that can, will happen. The emptiness of the universe is room to nurture endless forms. The soul garden.

[raccoonfallsharder]

here are a few sneak previews of what we’ve got going on (this is really more to organize my thoughts and force myself to come up with titles than anything else)

upcoming rocket raccoon fics behind the cut

1. Window Across the Galaxy

aka long&angsty. hoping to start posting on Sunday or Monday.

Slooowww burn + eventual smut. elements of hurt/comfort because rocket is the saddest-angriest boy. Slight AU starting pre-GOTG volume 1 (but will hit most of the same major plot points).

Rocket is captured by a Ravager crew hoping to get rich off the excessively large bounty on his head. Throwing a wrench in everyone’s plans is the Terran girl they hired to do some freelance assessing on a recent haul of goods they’ve seized from a Xandaran luxury liner. Oops.

She looks at the rusted bars, and back to her brute of a tour guide, and sighs heavily. Slowly, she turns back to the cage, swaying toward the bars so she can peer in at eye-level. She’s immediately face-to-face with the creature. His ears are still pressed flat against his head, fur bristling, and he’s gazing back, clearly suspicious and probably - justifiably - feeling more than a little bit mean. She’s suddenly certain that if she got close enough, he’d take out her eyes. There’s no helping herself, is there? One corner of her mouth twists up in exhausted resignation and she nods. “Welp,” she says solemnly to the raccoon, “fuck me, my dude.”

2. Blackmail Material

(codename: pwp???). will probably post part 1 in a week or two.

just pure fucking smut. this was gonna be two parts but I'm leaning toward three now (smut // fuff // smut). probably takes place sometime after endgame but before volume 3? not that it really matters tbh because there is NO FUCKIN PLOT HERE. ur girl's got a praise kink so that'll definitely be featured per usual.

basically: rocket finds your vibrator.

“I’ll tell you what,” he offers up, still grinning that shit-eating grin. “I won’t say a word and I’ll give it back to you. You can even keep whatever batteries are in it.” That sounds too good to be true. You raise a brow and cross your arms in front of your breasts. “If?" “If you let me watch you use it,” he challenges, eyes daring you. “For science.”

3. Domestic Scenes in Space Travel

(codename: ok sweatshirt girl.) i dunno -maybe post the first one by mid-august?

Comics-inspired but not exclusive - just a buncha feel-good fuffy one-shots and equally feel-good smutty one-shots. Series of slice-of-life readerxrocket one-shots following The Very Boring Adventures of Space Pilot & Sweatshirt Girl.

“Just try not to push any buttons or pull any levers till you know what they do.” You snort. “I fully intend to keep my hands completely to myself unless I have your explicit permission to touch.” Rocket leers. “That could be fun.” Your eyes narrow. “Space Pilot, I’m gonna need you to focus on the task at hand so I don’t end up accidentally jettisoning us.”

4. Other Duties As Assigned

(codename: schemers, dreamers, & multicalendar memers) i don't have an intended outcome for this fic yet so while i am VERY much enjoying it, i first need to grapple with whether or not i'm okay posting something that may be unfinished. i usually try to avoid that.

I have no idea whether this will get smutty or not (probably, knowing me?). Begins five months after The Snap.

Natasha Romanoff is an administrative nightmare - a fact that does not go unnoticed by the (interim) captain of the Milano. First she demands that the remaining two Guardians of the Galaxy be reachable via a primitive Terran messaging system, and then she can't be bothered to read the frickin' emails.

Thank fuck she's hired a new assistant.

**THIS MESSAGE IS ENCRYPTED** To: <nromanoff@aee.org> From: &lt;rocket@aee.org> Subj: re: WHAT THE FUCK RED Date: Monday, September 24, 2018 7:34am well that’s probably the nicest message I’ve gotten since I hacked the internet I’m gonna have to kill your boss though

(a super-secret spoiler sidenote - i have a formula and I shamelessly overuse it, so there are no surprises here: girl falls first, raccoons falls harder. every fuckin time friends.)

[lizard-shifter-noms]

Still Subject to Change Chapter 19 (NEW)

——————————————————————————-

Hello everyone! i decided to repost arc 1 of SSTC

(the chapters were way too long and had a bunch of typos but hopefully this will make reading easier)

this Story contains Vore, Dont like dont read.

if there are still any grammatical errors i’m sorry.

——————————————————————————

Nea stared for a few seconds, waiting for anyone to make a move.

As that didn’t happen she shrugged and turned to the other two Knights that had stayed behind.

“Get some blankets and bedding material, i don’t think they are going to move”

The knights hesitated and she snapped at them.

“I said ta get Blankets! Are ya deaf?”

She raised her helmet a little which sent the two under her order running through the door in order to fulfill her command.

Now we were alone with her.

She turned back to us and rummaged through the barely reachable pocket in her tunic under the armor and pulled out a keyring with various keys in different sizes after a few seconds.

“Gotta open tha door of course”

She walked past us right towards the over to the big wooden door that was tall enough that even i wouldn’t have to duck much.

What the fuck was that even built for?

I heard the telltale click of a lock opening after Nea fumbled a few seconds with it and then shoved the door open as much as she could with her shoulder.

The oversized wooden gate was just a bit too big for her to do that alone.

I decided that since I was apparently staying there anyway I might as well help and pushed the door the rest of the way open with my head.

One thing was still weird to me though, She was the least freaked out person about my big and fuzzy stature I had met and she freely sent away the other Guards, meaning she was alone with us now with no backup should anything go wrong.

Asking couldn’t hurt right?

“Hey, Nea right? How come you are so…chill with a big green beast right next to you?”

She looked at me with something akin to amusement in her eyes.

“Same story as ta how i got to be such a high ranking guard, i’ll tell ya when ya are all somewhere warm”

Well now I was intrigued, and I wasn’t the only one as Arthur and Robin slowly walked through the entrance after me.

The inside was spacious enough, with a hayloft and some straw strewn about.

Aside from that and a few torches here and there it was empty and rather dimly lit.

Hey, maybe Robin and Arthur could sleep on the elevated platform, might be fun for them.

Looking back I could see Nea doing her best to close the door and actually manage, a job I was sure usually needed at least two men judging by how I had to push against it.

Maybe closing it was easier than opening it, who knew.

The door closed with a clack and the cold air that had seeped in disappeared.

She turned back to us and made a shooing motion.

“Pick a spot and get Comfy, no idea how long those guys are going ta chatter each other ears off”

Her weird nonchalant demeanor was kinda funny, I had a feeling a manticore could charge in and she wouldn’t bat an eye.

And I kinda liked her accent, it was not something I had heard before.

Since it looked like I was supposed to wait here until whatever Rikaad did with those guys I might as well get comfy, I didn’t want to make an entire army angry at me after all.

In the end I just laid down on the floor with some hay so the ground was a bit more insulated. 

The wood was still warmer than blank stone though.

I wasn’t even in place for one second and Robin had already claimed a spot right next to me, shuffling into the fur of my arm and using me as a pillow.

Arthur had a bit more hesitance and slowly went over to us while not breaking his line of sight with Nea.

He ended up settling next to Robin on the floor, hand near where his sword should be.

Nea herself dragged a three legged stool from somewhere over and set it a fair bit away in front of us.

“So, i’m sure ya want answers, can’t give much of them as my knowledge is limited but i can tell other stories too if ya’d like?”

She was really trying to be friendly, but I didn’t think anyone else in the room was in a good mood.

We just stared at her in silence, until.

“When can we see Rikaad?”

Robin had piped up and immediately buried into my fur again.

Nea looked not too surprised by this question.

“I guess after they are done talking, However i don’t know for how long they decide to talk, so might be in an hour or tomorrow who knows”

Well that was not very useful, but at least we could see him at some point.

Before I could think of something to ask Arthur had stood up.

“Say, what the fuck is going on? And if Rikaad is heir to the throne why wasn’t he ever in the castle? Why was he living downtown?

And why did nobody tell him? Just WHAT THE FUCK in general!”

I had pinned my ears back at his sudden outburst, and even Nea seemed taken aback by it.

She composed herself quickly enough though.

“Well i don’t know the details, tha only ones that do are the highest ranking schmucks, but as far as i was told it was for his own protection, personally i suspect that a previous Heir was murdered but that’s just a rumor”

Finally some useful information, even if it wasn’t much.

Maybe I should just ask her to tell us what even happened one thing after the other.

“Nea? Maybe it’d be easier if you just tell the story of what even happened, like how did you know which person to look for? And where were we?”

“Oh yeah, good idea! Shoulda have done that from tha start i guess”

She made herself a bit more comfortable on the wooden stool and then turned to us again.

“About i dunno, three days ago? We got the order ta go and get some guy from the School dorms as the king had died about six hours prior.

When we got there the headmaster informed us that the man we were looking for wasn’t there, hadn’t been for some time even cuz he ran into the woods with some other student to retrieve someone else and just didn’t come back.

So tha head Guard decided ta send us out into the snow and search for him, that sucked by the way it was cold as fuck.

But yeah, after we didn’t find him in the city Norrin had us go out into the woods, at night, i really wanted ta strangle him for that.

And the rest, well ya were there, though i have to say i wasn’t informed that we were looking for tha Heir, i really wish i had known that sooner and not just last minute”

Huh, so that’s what was going on, and I guessed that it was technically my fault too.

If I hadn’t taken Robin that day they would have found all of them where they were supposed to be.

Nothing I could do about it now.

It was kind of funny though that even the people that were supposed to search for him didn’t know what was going on.

“Well, that’s all, any more questions before I go look for tha idiots that were supposed ta get blankets?”

Oh right, she sent the other two knights to get that.

She also did say she would tell the story of how she became a Guard.

To be honest she was kinda sympathetic, and she didn’t really hesitate to call her coworkers schmucks, which was funny.

Better ask before she left, she had already stood up.

“You said you’d tell the story of how you managed to become guard, And i have to say i’m curious, i didn’t think the old king allowed Women in his ranks”

She turned back to us and I could feel Robin shrink even more into my fur.

“Yeah right, I did do that. Well, I used ta be a farmhand, I lived right next to tha forest and one day a patrol was there n’ said they were looking for a Drake.

I found it, it got into my shed, and I ended up beating the thing to Death with my grampas Helmet.

I also might have kicked some of tha soldiers and I guess they were impressed? Whatever, it did land me a pretty good job at least.

Well see you later if those idiots don’t come back soon”

Before anyone could do anything she had already vanished out the door.

What a kickass lady, I wasn’t sure if I believed the Drake story though, those things were dangerous enough if you were with a group.

Taking one on alone? With nothing but a Helmet? Surely not.

I wasn’t the only one that thought so either, judging by Robin’s nervous Question.

“You think she really killed Drake? Those things are like, twice the size of a horse!”

“No idea, but she is a high ranking Guard so maybe?”

Arthur meanwhile had left his spot next to us and climbed the elevated platform in the other half of the room.

I couldn’t make out what he was doing very well but it looked like he was staring out a window.

“Arthur? What are you doing?”

He turned to face us.

“I’m trying if I can see anything, like maybe I can see Rikaad in one of the windows?”

Sure, I didn’t think it would help any, especially since the castle was on the right side of us and the platform faced forward so he wouldn’t be able to see much.

Whatever gave him peace of mind, I was far too tired to think at this point and needed sleep.

I had taken the first watch today and the last watch yesterday so I had been awake for way longer than I should have, and then we had to walk even more through the snow after the Guards found us.

My legs definitely wouldn’t cooperate for the next six hours, not that my brain would either.

I Lifted my arm and put it down on the other side of Robin before dragging both closer to me and laying my head down.

Robin was now smooshed against the side of my head and leaning against my arm, sort of forming a narrow furry space he could squeeze between and use as a source of warmth.

Those fucks still weren’t back with any Blankets after all.

Arthur had meanwhile climbed down again and it took him a few seconds to find Robin nestled against me.

“You know what sleep sounds like a good idea”

He walked over and just fell face forward into my side, not caring that he was still exposed to the cold air.

For once the tail was useful, I curled it around me so the fluffy tip of it would cover Arthur and shield him from the cool air in the oversized room.

We could worry about what would happen when we weren’t so tired anymore, and for now Rikaad was okay,

if he really was King they wouldn’t hurt him.

I laid my head down and sorta trapped Robin by doing that, but I knew he wouldn’t wake up before I did so it was fine.

I was asleep within seconds, safely curled around both Arthur and Robin.

I woke up some time later to the sound of the door creaking and opened one eye to look.

Nea had come back and she was carrying something that looked like fabric, the blankets she said she’d get.

I couldn’t have been asleep for long then.

She looked around confused for a second before her eyes settled on my side.

Arthur’s arm was sticking out from under the fluff and decently visible.

She then placed the blankets on top of the stool she had sat on earlier and left again.

Since there was no danger or even any sort of problem I felt like I could go back to sleep.

If anything wanted to hurt the two little men right beside me they would have to go through me first.

I closed my eyes again and the dreamland welcomed me back.

The next time I woke up was because someone kept shoving at the underside of my jaw.

“Donovaannnn Move, i wanna get up and you are trapping me!”

My head jolted up and Robin let out a rather adorable squeak.

“Sorry, I thought I would wake up before you, you okay?”

He was now half draped over my arm but nodded enthusiastically.

“Yes, I’m good, now let’s go look for Rikaad!”

Ah, right, so all of this wasn’t a dream then.

I slowly stood up and saw that Arthur was also awake.

“Alright, where should we look first?”

“I suggest the door”

All of us whipped our heads towards the voice at the same time.

And we weren’t mistaken, Rikaad was standing in the doorway, no idea how he had managed to pull the squeaking hinge open without us noticing though.

It wasn’t even a second and I could already see a ginger blurr zip past me,  immediately latching onto the taller human with a big smile and squeal of delight.

Arthur also walked over as fast as he could, not full on sprinting though.

I didn’t know if I should go over just yet as well, they knew each other for way longer than i did so i just stood awkwardly there staring at them.

I could see that Rikaad had been given new garments, a dark blue vest with purple trim and red undershirt as well as dusty brown pants and a pair of shoes.

There also was some sort of gold insignia on his chest and he was wearing a light blue sash.

I didn’t have to think about whether i was wanted in that awkward group hug or not as Robin winked me over and i realized that all of us did not fit into the doorway at once, I would shove them away if I tried.

Robin stopped clinging so tightly to Rikaad but still refused to let go and instead dragged him inside.

No doubt that if Rikaad had just stood there he wouldn’t have budged a millimeter, but he just went with it anyway.

I kinda didn’t know what to say, one one hand he was still the weirdly stoic Rikaad i knew and on the other he was the Heir, So what the hell was I supposed to do?

Also i ate the guy not even a few days ago.

As it turned out I didn’t have to do anything as the nagging question we all had was voiced aloud by Arthur.

“Soooo uh what the hell? Can you PLEASE explain? The best we got was some lady telling us that they walked through snow to go find you”

Rikaad nodded curtly.

“Of course, it might take a while so we best sit down somewhere”

Since there wasn’t really anything in here aside from the hay and the stool with the blankets on it I just sat down where I was.

Realizing that I was still a lot taller than everyone else I laid down on the floor again and Robin immediately jumped to use one of my crossed arms as a backrest.

Arthur just sat on the floor where he was and Rikaad did the same, crossing his legs and making a straight back.

Yeah, I could kinda see his bloodline with him sitting like this.

“So tell, what is going on?”

I was really curious, like why did they put him in a civilian household?

That didn’t make sense.

At least he was willing to explain, and that he did, luckily a lot more coherent than Nea too.

“Well, I was informed that the reason i was placed into a foster family was that every other heir was killed pretty soon after being born, rather violently too.

So there was a murderer that specifically targeted the Royal bloodline and I was sent away and declared dead to the public.

I was supposed to leave with them the moment the old king had died and take his place.

But they couldn’t find me at the dorms, you all know why, so they sent a search party to find us and bring us back to Kamerasca.

Any questions?”

That… did answer a lot of things really,

like why he was not in the castle in the first place and of course why the knights were willing to go into the forest at night.

But to be put into a foster family and not even know it?

What about his adoptive parents? It was impressive that they never told anyone but now that Rikaad knew what would they do?

Those were far too personal Questions though, so I wasn’t gonna ask.

Arthur also didn’t really look like he had questions , just horrified at the prospect of assassins in the castle, which, fair enough.

Robin however-

“So I’m the only normal one here? Whyyyy, thats dumb”

Ah yes, Problems and priorities.

Though I would not call him ‘normal’ of all things, He was a chaotic little ginger that spaced out sometimes and made nice flower crowns.

His comment however seemed to have confused Rikaad a bit.

“What do you mean by that? Arthur is pretty normal too”

He didn’t know! Oh that was going to be awkward, if Arthur even told him.

On that thought, why did Robin know of Arthur’s heritage?

He only told me as far as i knew.

Maybe he told it during the time I was unconscious?

Whatever it might have been, that wasn’t going to save him from Rikaads intense gaze that clearly wanted an answer.

Arthur had stayed tight-lipped for a few seconds before he finally came out with the truth.

���You’re not the only one with royal blood, so it’s kinda my fault that the Maringand Guards stuck us in the tower? I’m really sorry about that though, my uncle’s a dick like that”

As I had thought it was awkward as hell, At least for Arthur’s sake I decided to stay out of it.

I even put a paw in front of Robin and hugged him closer to me so he would keep his chattery mouth shut.

Rikaad took it in stride though, and he didn’t ask specifics, probably to not bother Arthur about it even more who was visibly uncomfortable.

“So I take it you can’t go to Maringand anymore?”

Arthur sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck.

“Yeah pretty much, also they think i’m dead and they better keep it that way”

I had a feeling this conversation was going in an even worse direction,

at least for me.

“Why do they think that?

I thought you said you escaped through a sewer?”

Arthur was silent for a few seconds, likely realizing what he had given away just now.

“Nevermind! Say what’s the plan for now?”

He rushed out an octave to high.

Rikaad still looked at him a bit suspiciously but thankfully let it drop.

Gods i didn’t want to explain that fuckery, especially not after getting stabbed by him.

I could feel Robin trying to break free from my hold and gave him a bit more space so he wouldn’t have my paw in his face anymore.

“Yeah what do we do now? Do me and Arthur have to go back to school? What about Donovan?

Where is he gonna stay? And what about the no Fae rule your old man made? Is that still in place?”

It looked like he wanted to say even more but I nudged him in the side to make him shut up for a second.

“Breathe, you look like you’re going to fall over, we can look at all this later, yeah?”

He very predictably pouted and made puppy eyes.

It was sadly very effective, so I had to look away.

I looked at Rikaad instead, Robin had brought up a few very good questions, what about me? What was I going to do now?

I wouldn’t really mind living in this weird shed if it got a bit spruced up.

There was of course the possibility that i would have to leave, I didn’t entertain that thought for long.

“You can of course all stay at the castle, you are my friends, I’m not going to send you away!

As for the rules the old man made i will look them all over individually”

It was a relief to know that we could all stay here, even if it was weird to think that it was literally the castle.

Another thought came to mind, the closer we had gotten to Kamerasca the colder it got, did he know anything about that?

Because this was way past freaky weather.

“Did you find out why the weather is so fucked?

This extreme cold can’t be normal”

He shook his head.

“Sadly not, but i do agree with you that this is not normal, i will look into it”

That was probably a good idea, if this went on all the crops would die and the people of Kamerasca would starve.

Not a pretty fate.

“Maybe Oakley knows what to do? He knew about the Ardua thing too!”

All eyes in the room went to Robin, he, Well he wasn’t wrong but it took multiple days to get to Oakley’s place.

And Arthur was the one to point that out.

“It takes ages to get to his shack, and there’s no guarantee that he does know, or even wants to help at all, i mean Kamerasca has not been nice to the pointy eared folk”

It was kinda funny that he said pointy eared folk instead of Fae, but we didn’t actually know if Oakley WAS Fae, he might just be weird.

Also it took a Human a few days to get there, about a week at the shortest.

I wasn’t human, and my legs were way longer so i probably could make the journey in about three days minimum.

“I could go? If i go alone i’m way faster, and Oakley kinda expects me back anyway so it’d be rude to just not tell him that i live here now”

Yeah it would be an asshole move to not say anything, so just because of that i had to go there.

The others seemed a bit apprehensive about letting me go into the woods alone.

“Are you sure?”

I looked at Arthur who was the only one to voice his concern out loud and nodded at him.

“Yes, and that way i can give him back the compass too, so i’m going”

Judging by the light filtering through the dusty window I had plenty of time to prepare myself before going out.

I didn’t really need anything though, not as Ardua.

I looked to Rikaad, he was now king so he probably had to give the okay.

I Wasn’t really sure how this worked.

He nodded and stood up.

“I think that is the best we can come up with, at least for now, and the sooner we find out what is causing this the better.

We could also renovate this place a bit till you come back”

A smile sneaked its way onto my face, I didn’t dare show teeth though.

“That would be nice, well then i better go there as soon as i can right?”

Before anyone could answer there was a knock on the door and a somewhat familiar face entered, it was that Guard guy, Norrin.

“I deeply apologize for disturbing you, but we arrested someone that said he knew you? He looks rather weird though”

Someone weird looking? I was admittedly the weirdest thing in Kamerasca, even before all of this, so who could that be?

“How weird are we talking about? And what’s his name?”

Even Rikaad seemed a tad confused, I doubted that he knew many weird people anyway.

“He did not say his name but instead of arms he has wings, he also got a tail-”

He did not get to finish his sentence as we had all stood up and ran past him out the door.

There was no one else we knew with that features besides Oakley, So it had to be him.

PREVIOUS / NEXT / OVERSIGHT

[flameswallower]

Reading For I'm In Your Walls

It’s not a place, exactly, but the best way I can describe it is still: once I found myself in another place. And when, later, certain other things happened, that place returned to me, and I found to my surprise that it was familiar. I’d expected to go somewhere, but I thought it would be an undiscovered country, and it wasn’t. I’d been in this room before.

0.

It’s a different place, but it’s not a different location. Maybe a better way to put it would be that you suddenly perceive new aspects of the place you start from. Imagine if you were a carpenter ant chewing through a portion of wall and one day, briefly, you could see the whole house. Or smell it, with your antennae. It wouldn’t seem like your home. It wouldn’t feel like somewhere you completely recognized.

But it does seem like my home. That’s the part that I think is unusual. It feels like I’m actually supposed to be there. It feels like I was born in it, but someone threw something over me— like a bandage over a hole in the skin, like a plastic cup over an ant— and I forgot. But maybe I’m wrong about that, maybe everyone feels/would feel exactly as I do. When I’m not there, I kind of wish I was. It’s hard to remember, moreso as time passes between visits. The parts that are great and the smaller parts. The parts that hurt. It’s hard to remember exactly what it feels like and how it’s different— but it is different! It’s hard to remember what you can see through the windows of that room.

I.

Like how many things are made of paper and smoke; they look solid, but you can push through them with a thought. Paper walls don’t have to contain you. The difference between you and an ant is not very much (zoom in) is everything (zoom in again) is nonsense; there are just shapes and pieces of material (zoom out) is ordinary and vast. You can hold her in your hand and you’ll never know each other, but you’ll know she’s there.

XXI.

The difference between you and a house is that houses were built to serve you. Similarities: good bones, weeping, black mold. The joy of inhabitants. You, the dream of so many cells, so many bacteria. The culmination of so many thoughts inside your brain, which you know looks and feels like clay. A clay city of ghosts. A maze of many rooms. A million tiny yous looking back through the windows, and then other things behind them (it’s not just solipsism). Other things like quick flashes of lightning, patterns.

X.

It’s hard to remember any of that. Yeah, it’s like trying to smell the air off the Ionian Sea by looking at old vacation photos. That specific quality of the air, not your general impression of what it was like, synthesized later. The air as you breathed it in the moment, in that specific place, at a specific time.

Only the place and time I’m talking about may be reachable, may come back, may be called.

[alienslies]

Unrequited Crush

This is something I can’t change

Can’t control

It’s running out of my hands

I have to leave

I‘m excited but I’ll miss you

Even though we share but a few memories

I probably won’t ever be as important to you as you are to me and that’s okay

You’re making memories with others now while I’m gone

I just wonder whether you still think of me

Is this all I will ever get

Why am i still hoping even though it’s pointless why can’t i just seem to give it up

It won’t lead anywhere

And that’s probably the most hurtful thing

In the middle of the night I wait for your text wondering if ur looking forward to mine as i look forward to yours

I begin to feel bitter about what we have and i begin to believe i don’t deserve anything good in this world and i know that’s bullshit

My head is not a good place, it’s bitter and tries to dim every light my heart tries to produce with so much effort

It’s not ur responsibility but why can’t i just fall for someone reachable someone who at least could potentially like me back

Are you flirting with me

Are you just yourself

How can I tell

Will you emotionally ever get me

Will you ever care enough to try

Will we ever know each other more or will this just be a fleeting little crush I have to accept and crush in the depth of my heart?

- C.A.

21.01.25

[return-to-twisted-wonderland]

🔆anon

If my characters were in the Sam’s New Years Event.

(They wouldn’t all be in the same story because different aus, but I’m writing them all together for simplicity’s sake.)

— —

Sam: Thank you little imps for helping out with the New Years Sale. Why not introduce yourself to your coworkers?

~~

Dusk: Dusk Vanrouge, though doubt people haven’t at least heard of me. I’m here because I wanted some extra money and I know working at the Lounge would be more boring.

Domino: I am Domino Spade. I came because I was interested in seeing the stock and thought being an employee would make it easier to know everything. A better way to shop around without the pressure to buy.

Kit: Kit Honest. I’m only here because Vil is getting very strict around New Years. He keeps talking about how we need to take the new opportunity in stride, so I’m just trying to be away from him as much as possible. Plus getting money for it doesn’t hurt, it will keep Fellow quiet at least.

Toryn: Yo, I’m Toryn Leech. Vil told me coming here would do me good so I could work on dealing with chaos without just riding it out. I just think he’d be happy if I took the job, so I did.

Dekker: Dekker Diamond. Nice seeing you all here. I just thought it would be nice to know what people were getting with the New Years Sale. Knowing who buys what and when is good for knowing when to buy stuff yourself, that’s all.

Ruse: Ruse Rosehearts. Riddle, Cater, and Trey all said this would be a perfect opportunity since I could get “work experience”. Not like I didn’t already have a job. But I’ve been listing to them more, so I thought giving this a shot might be interesting.

Trinity: Trinity Clover. I’m here because I wanted money and wanted to know what was on shelves during the discount. Nothing more, nothing less.

Malynne: I’m Malynne Draconia. I heard that New Years can be a hectic time and thought I could help out. Poppa said it was a good idea too, so I’m here.

Skion: Hi, Hello! I’m Skion Shroud, but I doubt that’s a secret. Idy told me I needed to do something productive with my time other than ‘make a mess’, so I’m here. A job is productive enough, right?

—

Sam: And another thing. If customers spend 50 Thaumarks or more, they have a chance to get anything they want in the store. Yes, anything. But to get that opportunity, they have to beat a staff team in a competition. But, the team that brings the most help to the store gets a Special Bonus, and if you let everyone win, say bye bye bonus.

~~

Dusk: Special Bonus? Just for losing the least in a child’s game? Awesome. I’m not one to lose much anyway. Guess coming here for the money was the right choice.

Domino: Brining people in with the chance to win anything, only to lose it but make it seem reachable if they’re more skilled? Definitely a good hook. And a bonus for not losing many is a good hook too, but on the staff side. I might not care much about winning or losing, but I will hardly pass up a bonus.

Kit: A bonus for winning games? That seems simple enough. Lucky for me, and Honest doesn’t lose to easily. I’ll have the bonus in no time.

Toryn: That sounds like an epic idea! Oh, but I know Vil, Azul, Jade, and Floyd would totally have my neck if I didn’t come home with that bonus because I let people win. And if we’re on teams too, I can’t let a teammate down. Sorry, but I might just have to take it.

Dekker: That strategy definitely sounds interesting. I might need to write it down for later. Maybe if I get that bonus I can rub the extra money in Azul’s face. I’m not letting that chance go to waste.

Ruse: All I have to do is win a simple child’s game and I get extra? Maybe this job idea isn’t so bad. I win in all things, so that sounds like a perfect idea.

Trinity: That’s new. I’m not against it. I don’t care much about competition, but I don’t plan on giving up a helpful bonus.

Malynne: A small competition sounds wonderful! It could definitely help with some team spirit too, since we’ll apparently be on one. Can’t let my team down, can I?

Skion: A game? That’s my thing. Man, I would have won anyways, and now I get a bonus? Coming here was the best choice.

—

Sam: An your teams are-

(I’m ignoring who was paired with who in game.)

~~

Dusk: *with Kalim* Mr. Sunshine? As long as he doesn’t tank me getting the bonus, I don’t care. He can work with people, I’ll work with stuff.

Domino: *with Sebek* Zigvolt is hard working. I hardly see a problem with this. We already work well enough together. Actually, we might have an issue with talking to customers… Can I get him to quiet down and be less aggressive?

Kit: *with Ruggie* You know what? Probably one of the best options there. He’ll definitely be able to focus on the prize while working.

Toryn: *with Deuce* That seems… nice. I know he’s one to try at least. I at least know he won’t be giving up the bonus. We can make this work.

Dekker: *with Trey* MmmMmMmmmmmm (I’m just messing with him at this point.)

Ruse: *With Cater* The one who forced me into this job? Irony. But, as long as he’s working, I can carry what he lacks.

Trinity: *with Jade* He already has a job and I can hardly see him giving up on any competition. I’m good with this pairing.

Malynne: *with Vil* He’s definitely one of the better teammates to have, and I know him well enough from hanging out around him because of Rook.

Skion: *with Rook* Rook? Great pair, if I say so myself! He’s always nice to play with, so we can definitely get this job done together.

— —

Setting Trey near Dekker is like waiting for something to go off.

[dulcewrites]

What's your opinion about show changing book Aemond-loyal to his brother, with no desire to become king to show Aemond-jealous of Aegon and wanting to rule himself? I know many people who read the book before the show aired and they hated this change. I watched the show and then read the book and I gotta tell you that 2 book Aemond redeeming qualities are his loyalty to Aegon and that he listened to Alys when she asked him not to kill an innocent messenger. I think the show took Aegon and Aemond sibling rivalry too high if you know what I mean. I don't think it was necessary to make Aemond that jealous, power hungry and bitter because of second son syndrome.

Aemond “it looked better on than it ever did on him” Targaryen?? That one?? No one expected him to feel some type of way about his brother, who yeah doesn’t seem to give a shit, being king?? Imo the show did a better job painting Aemond’s feelings towards his brother. book Aemond doesn’t inspire a lot loyalty towards his family imo. His traits are 1. Good at sword fights 2. Having Vhagar 3. Being rude and hating Rhaenyra. He has no personality lmao

People pretending that book Aemond would not want power, like basically every man in the realm especially when it is in reachable distance, is a bit laughable to me. Just like it’s laughable to me that people hang onto ep 9 and completely overlook in part 10 when Aemond says he won’t let Lucerys fly around the realm trying to steal his brother’s throne. The idea that aemond, the person who was bullied by his brother, would still want to protect Aegon to me is a testament to how much they do care about each other. Or at the very least how much he wants to help his family.

I think the fanbase push the divide far more than the show has. We see sibling in this show fight and come back together and fight and come back together. Yet it only gets picked apart with Aegon and Aemond. People bend over backwards to explain Aegon and Helaena’s relationship despite what we see (and I say this as someone who doesn’t think they hate each other so don’t take this as me shitting on them) but they can’t apply that same level of nuance to Aemond and Aegon?? It’s weird

We see Aegon and Aemond fight like brothers do. We see them be hurt by each other. Just like we see them defend each other in ep 8. Just like we will see them team up to kill rhaenys and meleys.

[ner-runi-cuyir-gar]

“Baby, I know I’m the Hero With No Fear and all, but I don’t wanna get close to him right now,” he murmurs, getting up anyway.

He moves over to Cody and pats the man down, finding three different comms. Clicking the first one on, he discovers several clone and other channels updating by the second. So that’s definitely not the Jedi one.

The second one he clicks on opens to a selfie of Cody and Rex, showing at least 100 voicemails from different people. Ben, Rex, Hunter, you.

He leaves that one be and clicks the third one on, finding a channel with only one, encrypted number. Something tells Anakin he doesn’t want to see anything in that channel. As if seeing Sidious or anything to do with him would conjure the man in the ship.

Anakin sets the Jedi-issued comm on the dash, studying the photo of Cody and Rex for a moment before setting the other two on the floor and smashing them to pieces with the butt of his blaster rifle.

“Good job,” I tell him, “thank you for your help. We’re gonna have to stop somewhere close and switch ships, I’m sure they can track this one.”

I fly for about twenty minutes before we land and immediately head out with them, having moved Cody’s handcuffs to be mobile, “here, we’ll take this one,” I murmur, gesturing to a broken down ship, “Galin’s gonna kill me, I think.” I snort and pull them both up the ramp before taking off once again.

“Where is Master?” He asks again, studying you as you fly. He’s exhausted and overwhelmed and still processing the whole… Palpatine-Sidious thing… but he needs to know. “What- what is he doing? Is he going to meet us?” He looks over as he notices Cody once again trying to get out of the cuffs, sighing. “He’s gonna make himself bleed.“

I fiddle with my fingers on the controls and sigh softly, “there’s no one else, Ani,” I say softly, “the clones- the chips you and Fives found. It made them turn and shoot at us. They outnumbered us three hundred to one. There was nothing we could do.”

Anakin stares at you for several long moments in silence, shaking his head a little. “You’re lying,” he whispers, slowly starting to lose it. He knows you’d never lie to him- but surely that can’t be right. There’s no way. “Y-You’re lying- Master is fine,” he nods, “Master and- Rex is fine and-“ his face crumples and he starts to cry, shaking his head. “You’re lying. They can’t all be gone. Not him. Not Master. Never him.”

“I haven’t heard from him since,” I say carefully, “I have no body. I’m not saying he’s dead… but… but he’s not reachable right now. Um- I’ve looked. I haven’t seen anything. I’m still looking, though.” I murmur.

Anakin runs a hand through his hair and breathes through his quickly rising panic, “S-So everyone- so I just- I lived because- he wanted me for-“ he cuts off so he doesn’t throw up, putting his head in his hands as he starts to rock a little. “And- and Yoda? Mace? Orin? Everyone?”

“Everyone,” I confirm bitterly, “Master Yoda is fine. I’ll tell you the location of him once we get the chip out of Cody. Speaking of,” I put the ship on autopilot and get up, “why don’t you go get a shower?” I say to Anakin with a smile, “I’m sure there’s clothes around here somewhere…” I start to look through containers, “aha! Here,” I pull out a tunic and pants, holding them out to him, “go get a shower and take time to yourself while I help Cody.”

“Kaz is a good man,” he says softly. “A good friend. Always has been. I’m glad he’s been looking out for you.”

“He’s- he’s a little bit more than a friend right now,” I whisper, “but like, it’s only been a week and if you want me to stop I will.” I say quickly.

It would hurt, but Kaz would understand.

[inevesgf]

JEALOUSY, JEALOUSY • LANDO NORRIS

two close friends ignore their love for each other until it becomes too much to handle for one of them — wrote by inevesgf.

content + warnings: kind of angst/comfort, swearing, use of she/her, driver x female!reader, mentions of sex, jealous lando wink wink.

masterlist + requesting rules.

you searched in all different types of nooks and crannys in the world to find love. desperately grasping at the idea, peaking in places to find that good in the bad. but it was hard, you knew that, time and time again you were reminded of why you shut yourself out so much. the worry, the pain — in the end you thought maybe the good times didn’t even make up for the bad ones. you had plenty of misfortune in your love life throughout the years, whether it was your fault or your partners. you found yourself becoming picky: a perfectionist to the love you receive when the love you gave wasn’t quite good enough either. it had come to the point where you became so detached from finding that perfect person. you stopped searching and stood silent like a predator in a bush waiting to catch its prey.

love comes unexpectedly, you had heard that saying plenty of times before that now you have come to believe it. you stopped wasting nights on men that didn’t matter, you stopped trying to impress people — you were just yourself. as years past, friends found themselves shocked at the idea that you would date someone. they saw you as headstrong, independent, and the thought of you in love made them question if they were dreaming. you didn’t want to be seen like some hopeless romantic — someone who didn’t want to love — but you didn’t want to seem desperate either. it seemed as if not even the perfect medium of those two was reachable where you had now hid yourself.

you had been single for a few years now and even if you didn’t want to admit it, you missed being in a relationship. those around you saw you as independent, someone who didn’t need a man, but the need was more of something your heart wanted. you loved too hard, it’s what got you hurt in the end, and as much as you tried to fight it off, it was still there. you masked yourself with a facade that you were too good for any man, that you didn’t want them falling at your feet and nor would you fall at theirs. love was complicated, embarrassing, and you couldn’t even come to fathom the situation you had wiggled yourself into.

you had found yourself in a world full of men, smack dab in the middle of being an engineer for mercedes in the formula one. you took your job seriously and didn’t let much get in the way, but to admit you were far more than just an engineer to some of those men; a friend at that. you found yourself being invited to parties by the FIA, other formula one racing teams, and some of the drivers individually. while you weren’t totally the party type, you didn’t hate the idea of tagging along every now and then. while working for formula one, you put your gaze nowhere else but forward. it was distracting being constantly surrounded by the media, those with higher positions, and even sometimes all-too-good-looking race car drivers. you would never let something so silly get in the way of your position, but sometimes with a little bit of liquid courage, things happen.

“can you hand me my cologne?” the voice of lando norris boomed throughout the hotel room as you cladded your way to the bathroom before handing it to him. “i don’t think i’ve ever seen you dress so fancy.” he raised his brow at you, making you scoff as you shooed him away. “i mean — if the event calls for it, i will. but after this, you’ll never see me in kitten heels again if it was up to me.” you laughed, adjusting the straps of your black dress to sit more on your shoulders. roaming throughout the paddocks before races and on practice days, you had found yourself making friends with drivers simply from running into them. lando norris was one of those drivers, and now you wear the not-so-honorary title of being one of his best friends. though with lando, there were things you did that made you more than best friends: dancing in the rain, snuggling while watching a movie. there was something so romantic about it, but in your manor, you brushed it off as an act of friendship. “you look nice, though.” he sheepishly smiled, combing the curls on the top of his head back neatly. “well thank you —“ you said sincerely before checking the time, “now hurry up, we’re going to be late!”

an event held by the FIA to bring racers and race crew alike together was something you weren’t completely looking forward too. you liked your crew just enough to be alongside them, but not having to see them outside of work was sure a pleasantry. the night was spent with downing shots, doing anything to drown out the despair of being there. you didn’t think your actions would have consequences until the next morning when you found yourself waking up in an unfamiliar bed. you thought maybe it was inevitable to happen; after a few drinks, your worries and cares floated away. when you were intoxicated, you didn’t care who you were with, you didn’t care what you were doing, all you wanted to do was have fun — and fun you had as you turned around in the bed to be met with a curly headed man.

“good morning,” he smiled sheepishly, his eyes squinting to adjust to the sunlight peeking in through the windows. “good morning, danny.” you smiled softly, a tang of embarrassment lingering on your naked skin from under the blanket. daniel ricciardo was a close friend of yours. with you similar humor, it was easy to say that your personalities clashed very well together. you had always had some eyes for the driver, i mean, there was no denying he was handsome. when in groups, it’s like you two gravitated towards each other, always getting along the most. it was awkward seeing daniel in this sense, but part of you liked it. it didn’t feel as much of a stupid mistake like other drunk hookups had; this one felt comfortable. when his eyes finally adjusted to the light in the room, he smiled at you. you smiled back, a little bit of a nervous laugh falling from your lips.

you were lying if you were to say this was the last and only time you had found yourself in daniel’s bed. you would hangout, put on a movie, have drinks, and on some occasions, you’d end up in his bed. it was more friends with benefits than anything, but you couldn’t help but feel safe and respected in his presence. it was a late friday night, around ten pm, where you found yourself sitting atop danny’s lap as some disney movie played in the background. you were falling asleep gradually as time went on and was only snapped out of your tired state when you received a text message from lando.

lalando

➔ can i come over pretty please

you

im sorry lan im not home rn :(

lalando

➔ where are you?

you

GEEZ nosey much?

im at danny’s

lalando

➔ what time will you be home?

you

im not sure, i’ll lyk

you ask sooo many questions

lalando

➔ smh cut me some slack

➔ sorry i want to hangout with

my bestest friend everrr

➔ do you want me to just come

over in the morning then?

you

i don’t know when i’ll be home

im sorry lan

lalando

➔ nono its ok, don’t worry

➔ WAIT

➔ YOU DONT KNOW WHEN

YOULL BE HOME? IN THE MORNING?

➔ ARE YOU SPENDING THE NIGHT

AT DANIELS PLACE?!?!?

seen at 10:24pm

a small laugh escaped your lips as you read landos frantic confusion. you were sure he would pelt with you hundreds of questions tomorrow and you knew exactly what you had to do: deny, deny, deny. lando and your other friends always tried to pry personal information out of you: deep secrets, hookup stories — you thought it was funny. you prided yourself on being a partially opened book. people knew things about you, but not too much, and you wanted to keep it that way.

a cozy night spent at danny’s laying in bed and watching a movie was something you looked forward to. sometimes it had you questioning if you liked him. it was a funny thought, a silly one, especially considering most dates didn’t go anywhere besides the bedroom. it was basically written in ink that you and daniel were merely fuck buddies and nothing else. you two had mutual respect for each other, but that respect wasn’t enough to do anything more than just please the other. you liked it this way and so did danny. you enjoyed it, but deep down you couldn’t help but wish it was someone else. all those years you spent desperately craving a relationship now put you in a place where you didn’t care. you were young — you had to try new things — and maybe even so sleeping with a driver on a rival team would point you in the right direction.

days had went on and you found yourself once again at daniel’s house. this time he had invited you over to hangout with a few of his friends, have some drinks, and get to know each other. he swore they would like you and you used this as a way to get out of the house and meet new people. it was a bit awkward. all the others surrounded around the living area knew each other and their life stories, but you sat there out of place begging for an escape. daniel had disappeared for a bit before he resurfaced in a corner chatting up a group of guys who’s name you couldn’t remember. it didn’t matter to you though, he was enjoying himself so you simply took time to relax. a notification appeared on your phone, another text from lando, with one simple request.

lalando

➔ do you to go out for drinks tonight?

you

again IM SORRY im busy right now,

but i owe you

lalando

➔ busy doing what? daniel?

you

SHUT UP and no actually

not like i was doing him in the first place

lalando

➔ sure sure ok, lie to my face

you

geez ok, calm down lan

come over tomorrow for lunch

lalando

➔ fine, i’ll see you then

seen at 9:34pm

lando’s seemingly jealous manner had you laughing to yourself when your brain started to drift somewhere maybe it shouldn’t. you had known lando since the beginning of your career. you remember the day you full body bumped into him in the paddock, resulting in you two having a laughing fit. something from there told you that you would be good friends, but you couldn’t grasp if thats what it really was. you recalled all that you had done together: going out for dinner, having movie nights, talking about everything imaginable together. it made you question if what you had with lando was far from casual. he was your friend, but you knew friends didn’t long for each others company as he longed for yours.

pouring the sauce onto the noodles, you slid over a bowl of homemade alfredo pasta over to lando, handing him a fork to go along with it. “i feel like i’m just your personal chef now.” you spoke sarcastically, pouring a small bowl for yourself before grabbing a fork. “you would be if your cooking was better.” lando spoke plainly, shoving a bit of pasta into his mouth. “hey! that’s mean! why are you so sour, huh?” you scoffed, not thinking much of it as lando was always this sarcastic with you. “the only thing that’s sour are these noodles.” he spoke, taking yet another bite which had you staring blankly at him. “i’m obviously joking! cmon, you know i wouldn’t eat it if it was bad. you’re the best cook i know.” lando smiled over in your direction, making you sigh a little. “geez — you got me with that one. was starting to think you hated me, mr norris.” you spoke, trailing over to the bowl before picking it up and making your way over to the couch. like a sad puppy, lando grabbed his bowl and followed over, sitting himself right next to you. “i could never hate you!” “oh suuuuure—“ you laughed, placing the bowl onto the coffee table before grabbing the remote. you and lando did this several times a week. you’d order takeaway or make food, put on a tv show the two of you had been binging, and then get distracted by some irrelevant conversation between you too. it was like a cool down time from your hectic lives — some calm in the middle of a storm.

“i don’t even remember what’s happening—“ lando said mid chew, placing the empty bowl onto the coffee table. you gave him a disgusted look, one that read ‘chew before you speak’, before you responded, “it’s because last time we got distracted talking about cats.” “ok well — come here. this time we can pay attention.” lando spoke, opening his arms for you to lay into them. this sucked you back into your prior thoughts. your small hangouts — dates even — had turned into something more than they were before. “doubt that.” you muttered, letting yourself lay your head onto his lap even though you knew the consequences. you leaned your head to the side, attentively watching the show as lando chimed in every now and then to give his two-cents about what was happening. you two shared some laughs and conversations about the shows plot, but nothing off topic to get you two distracted from watching.

the last episode of season two was now coming to an end and you watched attentively to each event that occurred. you were only snapped out of your fixated reality once you noticed landos gaze had went from the tv to you. when your eyes met, you didn’t expect anything from lando until he spoke. “so what were you doing with danny last night?” he questioned, making you roll your eyes. “what happened to paying attention to the show?” you asked, dismissive of the conversation. “what did you two do? watch a movie? sleep with him?” lando spoke, completely ignoring what you had said. it made you a little upset, even though you knew he was most likely just teasing you. the tone in his voice was off, being more plain than sarcastic. “why do you care so much?” you asked, the conversation now merely banter between you two. “i don’t care — i just want to know!” lando was lying through his teeth now and you could tell. the way he delivered his words, the way he looked at you; he obviously just “didn’t care”.

“are you jealous?” the words feel from your lips so carelessly, so sharply. you didn’t know what overcame you, but something about lando being so nosey to your endeavors made you irritated. “i’m not jealous.” his words were plain and you had now sat up from your once laid down position to face him. words couldn’t form in your mouth. you didn’t know if you wanted to squeeze a confession out of him or make him speak for himself. “are you sure?” it was sort of a teasing manner that fell from your words, egging at him to speak a truth you weren’t sure you wanted to hear. “god—“ lando shot up from his seated position, making you jump back a little and look at him in confusion. “i am jealous, i am sooo fucking jealous.” his voice was louder now, loud enough for the neighbors to hear, his confession making fear grow in your friendship. “you’re all over him — always. you act all sweet and nice to me, you let me hold you — and then you fuck him. i don’t know what’s so different between him and i. i can be all the things he can be too!” “lando—“ you could barely mutter out words before he started again, his face slightly red as he spoke. “i don’t fucking care. you’re supposed to be mine.” his words stung, your lips holding back a gasp from escaping. you didnt know what to say, words not seeming to muster up from your mind. “you know what — i’ll leave. just go hangout with daniel. you’ve gotten good at that.” lando tried to leave, his hands clasping the doorknob to your apartment before you stood up. “i try to deny it, but i can’t anymore.” your words seem to catch his attention, his hand coming off the door and back to his side. “i tried to find another explanation for why i feel so safe with you; for why i always want to see you. i just plucked it up to you being my best friend, lando, but it’s not that. it’s not that anymore.” the words fell from your lips as if they were the last words you would ever say. you didn’t know what you were saying, all you knew is that you meant every word.

“you’re not making any sense.” lando spoke. he looked defeated, exhausted, like he was itching to get out of his skin. “i’m saying that i’m falling in love you with.” you didn’t tell lando what he wanted to hear, you told him what you wanted to say. a feeling of insecurity having nagged at you for a long time had finally become too much to handle; too hard to admit. you knew in your industry and position that you probably shouldn’t be saying these things; you knew you should have gotten out of the water before it got too deep — yet something about lando was like an anchor that had you sinking.

there was a long pause before any other words were said. it could have been a few seconds or a few minutes, you didn’t know. the quick pace of your heart beating had time moving so slow. lando approached you, now close enough to feel his shallowed breathing on your skin. “i’m sorry—“ it’s like he broke down, his voice brittle and hoarse. all you wanted to do was comfort him, but now the confident words that you had spoken so passionately couldn’t come out. “no, lan, it’s okay—“ you pulled him into a hug, resting your head into the crook of his neck as he seemingly cried. “i just couldn’t stand seeing him with you like that — i should have told you sooner. i shouldnt have yelled at you. i just don’t like the idea that he got to you hold like i do. i shouldn’t even be jealous, you aren’t even mine.” his arms wrapped loosely around your waist as he pulled back, red eyes with tears threatening to spill. “i know, i know — but it’s all okay now because i like you. i was too blind to see that what i had been looking for was right here the whole time. i feel stupid, but it’s okay, it’s what makes us human.” you tried to smile, it was what was needed at a time like this, and lando did his best to return it.

what was once a rival, a friend, a shoulder to cry on; anything but a lover, had now blossomed into something you had fought for so long. the pain of searching in every nook and cranny had now met you face to face with the hidden treasure you tried so hard to look for. “i love you—“ it was the mutter in the silence, the dark in the light, and you couldn’t help but feel like you found what you were looking for.

[krisandfloribelle]

Monster Hiding in me

Hiding a monster in me. That’s me I am kris Floribelle Panes a 21 years old Virgo, as the youngest in the family of two daughter I was also assign to take care of my younger sibling. The challenging part being the youngest is myself. I can’t control myself from all the emotion that life gives me. I let my emotion take everything and I know that is my weakness.

Others knew me as approachable, friendly, happy go lucky, cheerful, helpful and jollyful, they never knew that in this angelic face theirs a monster hiding, at this age I knew that having this kind of problem is threatening. As I got older it worsens, small things make me burst like a volcano erupting. I usually end up hurting myself or worst hurting someone.

Sibling fight is common in a household, when me and my sister have a misunderstanding we knew that that fight not going be easy for us. I can hurt her physically if I am already not in the state of my mind. I can ruin things that reachable to me and throw it.

I don’t know why anger always consume me every time my plan doesn’t go right. I can feel the heat on my ears, the strong beat of my heart, my breath become fast, my eyes starting to blur and end up crying to release the burden.

Months ago I started consulting to a physiatrist to let go this monster in me, and for that few months I see changes, little by little I manage to control my emotions, every day becomes a new challenge, it’s not easy but having a strong perseverance and with the help of my supportive parents’ guidance I can concur my own finish line without the monster stopping me.