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#;; I HOPE MY THOUGHTS MAKE SENSE IM STILL ILL
call-me-pup2 · 2 months
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Sooo I might have already went ahead and made a discord 😶 I got a lil excited when I started looking into it and made one to see what the features and stuff actually were
I'm still going to wait for the results of the poll to decide if I'll actually launch it and I also want my flatmate to check it to make sure I've done everything right before I set it off into the wild but looks like I might be having my discord kitten arc 😝
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kaerinio · 17 days
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sitting here thinking about the potential meaning behind that moment with the valyrian sphinx, where illyrio and tyrion note that she's a dragon queen, but the empty spot beside her suggests that her king was taken away . . . dragged off as a prize to vaes dothrak. and like . . . the fact that adw.d itself leads so many suitors to dany?? literally from across the world, these guys are seeking her hand in marriage, and even beyond that, characters are just looking for ways to get to her to aid her/seek aid! there's something here! anyways! in terms of the marriage candidates, i think it could symbolize the deaths of those who wish to marry her via obligation/expectation. quentyn comes to satisfy the terms of a contract, and in an effort to win dany's hand by showing her that he's dragon-enough, he gets cooked. victarion isn't going to survive dany. young griff certainly won't survive her. and hizdahr? he's going to be brought to justice, then eaten by drogon.
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queer-pagan-witch · 5 months
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One day I will learn, that just because the bottle is low, does not mean I need to finish off the bottle.
#imma be so fuckin hungover tomorrow#someone should kiss me#and i moght be either asexual or aromantic or both which like woo thats funny to only me for so many trauma reasons#i love#im so drunk#i too drunk#i stated typing thos at 12:30#imma smoke pot after i post this#if your reqding my tags hi i love you. why are you reading this though like im a schizo bipolar depreased trans girl im unhinged in the tags#i need to stop drinking by myself#if think im an alcoholic as well if it wasnt for the fact that i can genuinely stop when ever i want but idkmaybe that changes?#at this point im just typing to annoy myself cause i think its funny to annoy other people and itd be hypothetical to not annoy myself#im ramblimg in the tags and honestly its your fault for still reading this#trans thought time#i wish i was born with a pussy but i do like having a cock and there is a possibility im genderfluid and fuck me that sucks if true#like how do you transition if your genderfluid? like i kinda want a cock and pussy and i know thats an actual option#but is it the right option?#i hate being trans but not knowing what kinda trans maybe ill hit where im at with my gender and just say tranny#cause i already say faggot for my sexuality instead of anything specific maybe i should just say tranny#this is probably what a therapist is for but idk if i can justify paying for this instead of saving money to buy a hoise#america sucks#capitalism sucks#love is such a bullshit thing#how can i be in love with some ane be in love with someone. being in love is nothing but selfish but also you have to be selfish for youryou#like i know that doesn't make sense sense but it makes sense to me and i also know its wrong#maybe i should give up and spend money on a therapist#i love my freinds and would sacrifice myself for them literally#12:51 and i have one more short tag to add#i hope you didnt read this far cause even in a drunk state this tag is embarrassing and im sorry you know me irl im sorry this is rambly+ugh#but if you dead read all the tags <3 i love yoh and would die for you
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comet-wire · 5 months
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Ngl I've been having a gender crisis again on top of all the stuff that's happened with my dad, I think I still identify as male/masculine idk 🗿
Same with my ace/aro spectrum placement ☝️🗿
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#comet rambles#putting in queue to deploy later#parent loss tw#just in case by association n implications ☝️🗿/nm+gen#when i get stuff set up with my checking account i was already thinking of getting a new chest binder once our personal issues with finance#has been figured out definitely#i dont wanna say much n jinx stuff so ill leave it at that#personal#gender shit is hard n i really think i may be a he/they or he/him still#or if not then closeted butch lesbian idk#most signs point to male gender identity leaning though 😔👍#also my social battery is outta wack but i needed to get this out so i apologize to anyone who i have yet to respond to/gen+nm 🥹#like i genuinely still feel as though ive been born in the wrong body and i tried to accept my feminity and it went well!!#like i started embracing my femininity the past few years and now i think im over it because it feels like i just attempted to try#and be something i wasn't if that makes any sense#i hate being referred to as she/her or as a girl even if i understand some people will still see me as fem despite my personal identity etc#its not that i hate my femininity its just i feel anything but female while still enjoying traditionally fem stuff at times#hope this makes sense#🗿👍#still ace/aro though just cant figure out if i only enjoy the thought of romance (cupiosexual/romantic) or if i feel comfy in one#i know im sex repulsed though thats for certain#as of lately chris Redfield and Albert Wesker have become two of my transition goals and idk what to do about this lmfao#i wish i was kidding#but im not 😭#sitting here like EVA shinji with his head in his hands in the damn chair image/lh#also wanna be a rootin tootin goth cowboy 🥰#if it turns out im like a comphet butch/nb lesbian im gonna shit myself though/lh+nm
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axolotlclown · 5 months
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Would you happen to have some studies to back up the "more than one coffee means you're addicted" thing, please? Pretty sure I've seen that disproven as a lens to understand addiction through at all
~ 🪴
Hey! So sorry I never saw this anon. It never appeared in my notifs and I'm really bad about checking my askbox.
You have asked a question that falls in line with a field I am very passionate about! I found some interesting articles in my school library. I'm going to go ahead and write this response, but I'm still waiting on access to a few journals. I'll have to convert those ones to PDFs as they are likely behind paywalls.
Anyway, here's my long post where I intend to rant about a lot of different barely related topics. Caffeine addiction is one of those really controversial but historically significant subjects in psychology!
So let me start off with how to read and break down a journal. It's one of those things where if you don't go to college and specifically major in a research related field, no one ever teaches you how to do it. That sucks.
So when you're looking at a journal, the first thing you want to do is background check the author. What school did they go to? What degrees do they have? (For research, they should have a Ph.D. no matter what.) What is their current place of employment?
Often companies, or other private businesses, will commission someone to do some research and fudge the results to make that company look better. We saw this recently in regards to gender affirming care. The United States House of Representatives had proposed legislation to restrict gender affirming care for transgender youth. The Republican sponsor of the bill had presented a single piece of research that he claimed was significant. The research found that transition regret rates were somewhere in the 30% range. (I don't remember exactly and I know that I could quickly look it up, but I just spent the past two hours reading addiction research. I'll find it tomorrow.) Upon looking into the author and the sponsors of this research, psychologists found that the journal the congressman presented was commissioned by a conversation therapy center in Florida. The research held obvious bias, poor peer review, and inconclusive results. The bill didn't pass. I'm not sure they even voted on it, actually.
Anyway, this is why we need to be critical of the research we read. Chocolate, wine, caffeine, gender dysphoria, and autism are notorious subjects that require more scrutiny before reading.
So, caffeine addiction. This is a subject that more than one field is interested in. Before you read an article, you need to be sure what question you are asking. Psychologists are concerned with a more scientific or factual approach. In this context, a psychologist would be researching the concrete effects of caffeine on mood, sleep, and other psychological disorders. Sociologists are more concerned with the overall social consequences of caffeine addiction. They would be asking how mood and sleep affected family, work, and personal welfare. For your question, we're going to look into the psychological aspect. Also, I'm studying psychology, not sociology, so I would feel like an idiot answering those types of questions.
This distinction matters. When I opened my school's EBSCOHost database, I simply typed in "caffeine addiction" to start. I was bombarded with sociological articles and journals about the affects of caffeine addiction on productivity at work and on mood. Strange overlap with psychology. Two problems: some of the top articles had researchers with ties to coffee companies, and all "caffeine addicts" were self-reported. For the latter, this meant that there was no standard for how much caffeine was consumed. Rather than being a concrete article about caffeine consumption, it was more of a survey of public opinion. You want to avoid those unless you specifically want to know about the public opinion. Even psychologists run surveys all the time (they're cheap and easy), but people often lie on surveys, even if they're anonymous.
So I typed in more specific key words and came up with these articles. I'll talk about some without leaving a link, but that's because I had to request the PDFs for sharing. I'll come back to this post and link them. (Let me know if the ones I do link are broken.)
Okay, so I'm going to start off with a journal that interested me, personally. This study actually observed the effects of caffeine on psychiatric patients. This is an important reminder that different drugs influence different brains. Someone with ADHD experiences caffeine differently for a neurotypical person. Caffeine is a stimulant, and ADHD medications are stimulants. Cool. What about other disorders?
Here's the Sparknotes of the study, "Caffeine intoxication was more prevalent in psychiatric patients than in healthy subjects. The amount of caffeine intake was shown to be associated positively with the severity of pathology and inversely with sleep quality."
The study goes more into depth about the different psychological disorders that different patients had. There were 401 patients participating in this study (150 healthy individuals). Overall, continuous caffeine intake showed a decline in sleep quality and a general increase in severity of other mental illnesses.
So what causes that? What is caffeine? Here's an article that looks into studies about caffeine consumption and performance, as well as what the causes of an addiction could be and what constitutes an addiction. This is one I recommend giving a read, as it helps to illuminate a common problem with researching intoxicants.
Here's the big take away: "Although caffeine is widely perceived to have beneficial psychostimulant effects, appropriately controlled studies show that its apparent beneficial effects on performance and mood are almost wholly attributed to reversal of the withdrawal effects that occur after fairly short periods of abstinence (e.g. overnight)."
In habitual coffee users, the increase of mood and performance after consumption of caffeine is caused by the removal of withdrawal symptoms. Grouchy mood and lack of coordination are symptoms of caffeine withdrawal. Where one may perceive positive reinforcement for initial consumption, for habitual consumers, withdrawal symptoms become a negative reinforcement.
So, for people that drink coffee everyday, it's less about getting the positive effects of caffeine, but rather avoiding the negative effects of withdrawal. This can be classified as an addiction. There is now a reliance on this substance.
Something this article also points out is that caffeine is not just found in coffee. It's found in chocolate and most medications these days as well. Therefore, complete stone cold abstinence from caffeine can be next to impossible, making control groups difficult to find. This leads to the varying research and controversy between psychologists.
Okay, but coffee can't be as bad as alcohol or anything right? Caffeine is practically harmless! Let's take a look into an article discussing the health impacts of caffeine. (I'll provide the full text to this one tomorrow.)
In Dr. Saimaiti's article titled, "Dietary Sources, Health Benefits, and Risks of Caffeine," she explores the benefits of occasional consumption of caffeine and weighs them against habitual overconsumption of caffeine.
While occasional consumption can actually improve mood and cognitive ability, these benefits are lost with daily consumption.
Few people drink their coffee black. For those that put creamer, milk (especially oat), or straight sugar or syrups in their coffees daily, they may be overconsuming sugar. This is especially hard on an empty stomach. This is part of the reason you "crash" later in the day. The sugar raises your blood sugar. For most healthy people, this may not be the biggest deal in the world. For others, it could be a key factor in developing diabetes later in life. In general, don't drink coffee on an empty stomach. Have it with a meal. It's also easier on your liver.
Speaking of liver, what does your body do with the caffeine after you drink it? Caffeine follows the same principle as alcohol. Occasional consumption of red wine can help thin your blood and lower your hemoglobin (something that women may be more concerned about as they get older). However, daily consumption of wine can cause stress on the liver and potentially lead to dementia later in life (I say potentially because there has been a correlation, but no solid research as to why. While correlation does not always mean causation, it's important to acknowledge them in the meantime.)
Caffeine behaves in the same way. Continuous consumption of caffeine can put some real stress on your liver over time.
Caffeine is dangerous for those with cardiovascular problems. While this seems like a "duh!" point, many people don't know that they may be prone to cardiovascular issues until an event happens. This sounds like fear mongering, but it's something to take into account.
The article discusses pregnant women as well, but I would hope that's intuitive? Maybe not? If you're pregnant you should avoid intoxication in all forms.
I'll drop this quote from the conclusion of the article for now (I felt weird quoting text that you can't access yet, so I'll come back with more quotes when I can give you the PDF): "the long-term or over-consumption of caffeine can lead to addiction, insomnia, migraine, and other side effects."
The point is, caffeine consumption can be more dangerous to some than others in general, but excessive consumption with lack of knowledge can lead to long-term damage to one's health.
Okay, that study talks about a relatively small niche. Let's get broad. Let's talk about sleep and cognitive performance. (Another study I'll have the PDF for tomorrow.)
In Dr. Gottselig's article titled, "Random Number Generation During Sleep Deprivation: Effects of Caffeine on Response Maintenance and Stereotypy," she looks at the effects caffeine has on cognitive performance during sleep deprivation.
The conclusions of this research makes a very important point: "caffeine preserves simple aspects of cognitive performance during sleep deprivation, whereas caffeine may not prevent detrimental effects of sleep deprivation on some complex cognitive functions."
This article particularly found that while small cognitive functions such as motor ability improved with caffeine, complex cognitive functions such as problem solving and memory declined.
While a college student could read this and understand that pulling an all nighter and drinking 10 Red Bulls probably won't help them pass their test, there's something much more to be said about these findings.
One sleep deprived night won't kill you, and certainly drinking a cup of coffee to get you through the day won't either. But caffeine cannot prevent the damage that regular sleep deprivation does. Sleep deprivation leads to memory loss, worsening symptoms of depression/anxiety/ADHD, increased chances of developing dementia early (this one is real), and a decline in overall cognitive ability.
Rough. But it is a trap. If you have insomnia, caffeine may feel like your only choice to be somewhat functioning throughout the day. Caffeine promotes symptoms of insomnia. It's a vicious cycle if you can't afford proper treatment, and one, that I hope, that will be addressed with time.
So if you have the ability, it's better to prioritize a good night's sleep. I'll come back to this.
For now, why is caffeine addiction so controversial then? Well, it may not be for long. While there was a push to add "caffeine" to the list of diagnosable addiction in the DSM since the 1980's, the inconsistent and inconclusive research has led to a standstill. As we say with Dr. Jame's article, it is difficult to get a control group for caffeine. However, as research for alcohol and marijuana progresses, our knowledge of how to properly study intoxicants does as well.
The long-term health side effects of caffeine are still being studied as well. While this aspect isn't unique to caffeine at all (marijuana, for example, is just now getting approved for research, where before it was illegal), it's still worth acknowledging what we do know, for now at least.
So, coming back to the DSM. There's a new one coming out pretty soon. It's the talk of the town among psychologists right now. Everyone is arguing about what should be in the DSM-6. It'll be crazy when it does come out. Autism, OCD, Gender Dysphoria, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Facial Dysmorphia are just a few examples of disorders that will likely be completely recategorized.
(Unrelated, but Autism Spectrum Disorder is a big one because a lot of psychologists are arguing that it shouldn't be classified as a disorder at all. The reason being is that Autism is so common, that psychologists are theorizing that the majority of the population falls on the spectrum somewhere. Either way, the diagnosis is about to completely change because of this fact.) (Well, all of them are big ones. I could make a whole separate post about it.)
Anyway, the push to make caffeine diagnosable is becoming a promising endeavor as research continues to come out.
One psychiatrist pushing for this is Ronald Griffiths. In his opinion piece, Griffiths recalls his patients experiencing caffeine withdrawal symptoms that led to a decline in the quality of life. One of his patients was diagnosed with breast cancer and needed to stop drinking coffee immediately. This patient struggled with severe withdrawal symptoms that were difficult to manage while on cancer treatment.
Griffiths explains how difficult it was to treat this patient because it wasn't something he could easily diagnose with the DSM-5, something insurance companies use to decide whether they're going to pay for care or not. Add on the bills for cancer treatment, and you rapidly have a distressing situation on your hands.
Joseph DeRupo, spokesman for the National Coffee Association in the U.S. as quoted in this article states, "What we have here is really the opinion of one scientist who is a lone voice against the accepted view of the scientific community."
Lone voice? In barely an hour I was able to find 5 credible articles, all backed by credible researchers, supporting the understanding that American society consumes too much caffeine. You can take a General Psych class in college and the textbook would spend half a chapter going over caffeine addiction and the controversial research around it. Coffee companies piss me off. And most companies use slave labor to harvest their beans and lobby to prevent legislation to prevent it. Guillotine.
Griffiths also claims that "[e]ven people who consume as little as 100 milligrams of caffeine a day—the equivalent of one small cup of coffee—can become physically dependent."
So this ask is pretty old, but I'm guessing it was in response to me saying that you should only drink one cup of a random beverage a day and the rest be water. This keeps you hydrated and helps cut out where the majority of your sugar intake is. I called it the "desert beverage" and that "coffee counts."
It really does. In the morning, one feels tired, foggy, and grouchy. "Don't talk to me until I've had my morning coffee." They would make their coffee out of habit, barely minding the taste of it—drinking to medicate the headache they've already caused.
Life is worth celebrating, and if we can find little things in our day to celebrate, we should! When coffee becomes a habit, it's just a habit. That's sad.
I worked as a barista for a while at a coffee shop that hired people with intellectual disabilities. That experience is what made me switch my major to psychology in the first place. But I saw the joys coffee could bring, and the damage it can do, too. I had a coworker who would come in and throw a tantrum if we didn't immediately stop what we were doing and make him a coffee—and again in two hours before the end of his shift. It's upsetting.
I do remember the joys, too. Our manager would show us a new niche coffee drink from a random country. We would make cubanos like they would in Haiti and talk about the different names they had in different countries around the world. It ruled.
I don't drink coffee every day anymore. But it's always a wonderful thing when I do. You don't need to have an "excuse" to drink a cup of coffee—you don't need to celebrate anything at all. Coffee, tea, wine, soda, and juice should be celebrated as they are. Drinking them out of habit destroys joy. Intentional habits create stable foundations in life. Unintentional habits create monotony and boredom.
Anyway, the sleep thing I said I'd come back to. So if you're having trouble sleeping, here's the hot tip: avoid screens 30 minutes before going to bed. That sounds easy, but how many of us scroll our phones, watch TV, or play a video game right before bed? It's not worth it.
Instead, do something away from your phone that you enjoy. I like to read, but you can draw, journal, listen to some music, practice an instrument, or write something. Doesn't matter, just don't use your phone or laptop. Set a 30 minute timer for time.
If you're still struggling to sleep, you may find meditation useful. Meditation uses techniques that make your brain send beta waves which relaxes you and is the first step to falling asleep. But! If you try to learn some meditation, you'll have to commit to practicing it every night for it to be useful. It's a skill that requires practice.
Anyway, I could make a whole separate post about evening/morning/afternoon routines as that is another one of my passions, but yeah.
TLDR; An occasional cup of coffee is actually great and wonderful, but you really shouldn't drink it every day, especially more than once a day.
PS. I love Red Bull cream sodas more than the God that created them, I swear, but I only drink maybe one or two energy drinks a year. Energy drinks will dissolve your liver faster than hydrochloric acid can. An alcoholic drinking 5 packs of beers a day will look at your liver and be impressed. Also the Panera lemonade should be illegal. That shit is CRAZY. That bitch had more caffeine than a Bang energy drink. It literally killed a man. Wild.
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todayisafridaynight · 10 months
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if i doodle during unlucky monkey stream later would we be mad at me
#not rgg#snap chats#oh yeah stream later. 4:30 THE USUAL#anyway no cause i THOUGHT about drawing during it. i prob wouldnt show it on screen since#Thats A Lot Going On LOL but im only askin in the event i do and im half-paying attention so no one wonders why im Half-Paying Attention#unlucky monkey one of my fave movies and because of that ive always wanted to draw art for it but i keep getting distracted#i suppose the best time to do so would be. during my fourth rewatch of it LOL#there a lot of ttm movie art i wanna make tbh lol... like ive made SOME but theres still more i wanna do#oh but yeah if youve read this far. for whatever reason. after unlucky monkey it'll be a normal judgment stream#'snap what do you mean normal judgment stream' i mean im playing the game for four hours LOL#i need to catch up on lost time so. lol.#i realize pretty much everyone will leave halfway into it if not the first hour of it but thats prob for the best#i'll vod it in any case so if anyone really cares to see it it'll be there#ok bye i have to. uh. god idk#im ngl i still feel crummy LOLOL but i promise i wont be crummy during stream#i forgot the most important thing about streams and that being streams are equivalent to being on stage#i mean i never became an actor for a reason LOLOL#it's a performance art and i forgot that and im mad about it. BUT I WONT FORGET THIS TIME so dont worry bout me bein ill during stream#well. ill in /that/ sense. we are watching a ttm movie ahaaaaa im a sicko 😩#IN ANY CASE. hope to see people there :) for the judgment segment i promise to make up for yesterday#NOW im gonna uhhhhh yeah idk :) oh my god my organ hurts im going to kill myself#im gonna stare at this google doc for a hot minute
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idk-ilike5sos · 2 years
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90% sure I'm a lesbian, so that's... something!
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strwbrymlkshake · 2 years
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I don't think I've ever been in a relationship this healthy before I don't know what to do 💀
#mine#🎸#DUDE my feelings are so weird like i cant even describe them cause theyre all over the place. im hoping someone sees this and sends me an#ask or something with advice if this is even gonna make sense. because i am so confused lmfao#First of all im always expecting something to go wrong so i feel like it might be the absence of Problems thats throwing me off#But he reassures me all the time and genuinely cares about me? in regards to my last post we talked about it and he comforted me#i feel like im kind of in an emotional limbo where im still processing everything. my yan moments make appearances more than my dere#i feel so cringe saying that as a native english speaker. well im here to express my feelings not to be judged <3#but i definitely FEEL the jealousy more. like i exhibit both equally but im more emotional in a bad way than a good way#but its not cause of anything hes doing at all! hes perfect?! i dont know how to handle it!! i only know how to be jealous#at least if im mean im not as likely to get hurt and thats why im afraid to feel lovey things as much??? im making myself sound like#a bastard but ive just been feeling more anxiety and getting worried about Relationship Stuff and that kills the vibes#but he doesnt even mind he doesnt treat my problems like a burden. he isnt sick of them he doesnt abandon me. he loves me and i am still so#bewildered? like. hes the nicest guy ive ever dated. ill gush about new people i meet but they do have flaws. i just dont acknowledge them#because im so blinded by idolization. but for this one ive thought everything out i have PONDERED for so long and he really is just such a#good person. how? WHY?? he has not done anything wrong and its just my mental illness that causes ALL the problems. but he wants to#BE there and comfort me. what the fuck my brain is like short circuiting. people this nice exist? he doesnt want to use me??#and ofc this is all in the romantic sense. i still have friends that i value very much but this post is focused on romance#watch me say all this then he does something horrible. <-SEE IM SO NEGATIVE i expect things to go wrong#my main problem is im confused about my feelings they feel very tangled and muddled. im happy of course but i feel like the part of me that#feels romantic happiness/genuine satisfaction is all fucked up and broken. but he doesnt mind that im this way 🥲 WHY#HE ASSURES ME EVERYTHINGS OKAY he is there for me he cares about me but i cant wrap my head around it! im. this is so weird#one of my goals is to be less focused on being insane and actually get things done. w all my relationships i have a time blur thing#where i feel like time passes differently even more than it does for me. im just thinking so much bruh#right i think i was gonna go about getting adderall because of the everything all the time. im feeling numb but also#literally every emotion all at once. and it consumes me and my waking thoughts. i guess it was easier to ignore before?
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toastsnaffler · 3 months
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woke up feeling ruffff but took my meds and went back to bed for a while n I feel a bit better
#only slept 4 hrs yesterday so was rly hoping to get a solid nights sleep today bc i probably won't tonight....#but i didnt sigh. but my options are either to plough thru w today and make myself do this even tho i dont rly feel like it#or cancel plans and stay in and mope which will inevitably turn into self harm so rly the latter is a non option lmao#its all okay ill get into the swing of things n have a good time once im thereee#and i always knew i was gonna feel a bit like this like its an open wound for me i just need to be careful not to touch it#bc how i feel isnt based in reality its just insecurity n vulnerability n ik it can take months to fully recover from a previous episode#and part of the recovery process needs to involve facing potentially triggering situations instead of avoiding them#bc otherwise ill get increasingly worse bc its not possible to always avoid and ill be defenceless again when it does happen again etc#like its part of rebuilding my sense of self n confidence n hopefully i can eventually start to trust other ppl again n lower my guard#bc it sucks being contorted into this defensive pose all the time and i would like to allow myself to feel genuine connection w others !!#and to stop instinctively flinching and waiting for the hit im tired of my mind telling me ppl r lying + trying to hurt me when theyre not#im being a bit dramatic like i am doing a LOT better than i was a few weeks ago. n i def can handle this one#and the risk of triggering myself is much much lower anyway in this specific situation. so long as theyre not hiding shit from me again#i can think of several ways that risk could skyrocket n unexpectedly spiral out of my control n it makes it hard to breathe just imagining#but i need to believe that it wont. so if-no WHEN it doesnt then next time ill have proof that i can navigate it n i wont feel so anxious#it makes me laugh how stupid this is from an outside perspective. my brain causes me so much weird n 100% unnecessary distress#but its the only brain ive got n will always have so i need to work with it!!#anyway all that aside i genuinely am rly looking forward to this afternoon!! ive rly wanted to start doing more nice things for myself#n the fact it coincides w missing smth that could incite my rsd is kind of for the best even if it is making me anxious#i cant let my life revolve around anticipating how ppl might upset me n basing my decisions off minimising that damage#n while it would be nice to have company.. well ik its just as fun going alone bc ive done it before! n i need a reminder of that#ah im gonna turn myself in circles if i think much more. i dont need to justify anything#i hope they have a nice time and i hope i have a nice time and i hope that eventually someday we can have a nice time together instead#of separately. and i hope that someday ill feel included and wanted by other ppl and wont be posting on tumblr every time this happens LOL#this comes across like im saying i need to learn how to enjoy my own company or whatever but i prommy i already do..#what i actually need to learn is how to trust n enjoy the company of ppl i care abt without constantly being scared theyll hurt me....#but thats not happening today cuz i got other plans woooo OKAYY im gonna stop ruminating and get some chores done sjdkfh#.vent#<- well not rly a vent bc its not like im channelling feelings here im just rambling bc i have a lot on my mind. but still#this is prolly incoherent i keep putting my phone down and doing other things and then adding another thought LOL
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be-good-to-bugs · 5 months
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i need to go to bed but i dont wannnaaaaa
#the bin#i work at 7am and its 1:23 am i have GOT to go to bad but ugh. if i go to bed then that means ill have to go to work as sokn as im conscious#so the longer i stay up the more time i have. but km gonna be so tired at work. hhhhh.#i dont know why but ive felt so horrible today. super anxious. miserable and really sad#im trying to just deal with it. soon enough things are gonna change. its only 34 days till my planned moving date. i will only bave like 20#more shifts at this job. maybe less depending on what i get given. including tomorrows shift. and tomorrows shift is only 5 hours long#and the day after its only 4 hours and then i have 2 more days off. itll be ok. but i still feel so anxious and depressed and awful#i just wanna stay home and be high all the time. i feel so lonely always. literally the only thing that helps me not feel completely crushed#and paralyzed by how lonely i am is getting high. i know its not healthy to rely on getting high to feel better about stuff but idk what#else to do so who cares. when i dont do anything about it i i stead end up relapsing or worse so i think its an ok option#i hope i can meet nice people this year. year after year it doesnt happen but so much has changed!#it makes sense i havent met people since i moved out. and everything is so different from wwhen i last lived with them#all my siblings are in school. they have people over at the hair a fair bit afaik. my dad wont be there to me make feel awful. my sister#also wont be there to me me feel awful. i can figure something out. itll be ok. it has to be.#i just want to squeeze someone. i just want like. a hug. a good cuddle. and i need to talk to someone. its been so long since u had an actul#fun time hanging out with another person. i need to watch a movie with someone and joke around and. ugh.#how did my life reach this point? what happened that resulted in me spending ages 10-19 all alone. im not even 19 yet but i will be soon#and theres not a chance ill meet someone before then esp bc im moving. when i was little i didnt have mych friends but i had some#i had such high hopes for the future. i also thought the future would be terrible but i imagined id still have friends and peopwl to talk to#all ive wanted sincei was 10 is just to have people to talk to and hangout with. but i dont have a single friend. i can hardky name anyone#besides my family and coworkers. and like aa couple of my sisters friends. there isnt even like people i know who i dont really consider#friends but we talk sometimes. if i dont go to work. call my mom. or tex a sibling. i dont see or talk to anyone period#i guess unless i go to the store. that doenst really count tho.#i want to have a friends group. i want to have A friends. just like. a person. to interact with. what happened that made mw spend the past#8 years just not interacting with anyone? whats wrong with me.#its fine tho. becausebit will change. i acan heal from this and i can meet people. even if half my conscious life has been spent all alone#it will get better. it has to.
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yongseungkim · 6 months
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#think my feelings'll have to come to an end soon#but idk why im so reluctant to do so..what im still holding on to..#idk man#we are friends!! real good ones at that#and a year ago i never would have imagined!!#but ithink to me its clear from her end that it was never anything more than that for her#even if sometimes for me i hoped and hoped#cant seem to let go of that hope completely#even though im thankful in so many ways like#i cant seem to convince myself right now this is enough#im like#being mentally not ill is so hard too cuz#i want to be like 'oh ofc it makes sense shes not interested in me who would be'#and its so easy to think that#and have that be the calming thought that shuts down delusion#its so much harder for me to say shes not into u but thats okay there might be someone else in the future#what that implies i have absolutely no fucking idea#i dont wanna do dating apps yall like#everything abt it feels so unappealing#i actually genuinely wanna go down the friends to lovers route but god is it so painful.#and seeing how successful ive been in making friends thus far uhh...#finding someone else to kinda even start being attached to that isnt her in a non platonic sense is hard#like w her the feelings too are just very deep#there are casual crush moments here and there for sure i think but nothing thats quite felt like this#and it kinda sucks lol#how are you supposed to find someone#i also wanna. be okay with. not finding someone#and god for the longest time in my life i was okay with that but now im not and its so unfamiliar and idk how to reconcile it#honestly i wanna be someones go to person#but no one wants to be that for me i think so ive been trying to become that person for myself but
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screaminglygay · 11 months
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KINKTOBER day 10
pairing: darkish!marvel ladies x fem!reader, wanda x reader, natasha x reader, kate x reader, yelena x reader, carol x reader, maria x reader
sumarry: you were kiddnapped, but a group of the mightiest herous will save your life and you can´t be more thankful
warnings: kidnapping, guns mentioned, little dark themes, kissing, touching, dirty talk, smut!!!, eating out, nickname "sir", catching somone having sex, voyeurism kinda, slight angst, wanda controlling your mind, and also reading your mind, group sex mentioned, ladies talking about planning on using you, knife play a little, little shitty writting, it takes forever to get into something, oopsies, if anything else - let me know!
word count: 7k
an: our last day! little crazy how time flies, we wont get into it or ill cry, but truly thank you for all the likes, reblogs, shares and comments! im giggling like a little girl, since few of my favs here commented or likes something soooo thank u!!!! sm!
an2: it was fun and chaotic at the same time! i love you all, stay safe and hopefully i wont dip away.:P
(italics = your thoughts)
!MDNI!
Enjoy this last spooky day and be safe!
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You couldn´t see anything at all, the only sense you could count on right now is your hearing, which is not much of a helper. All you could hear is the engine running and some soft music playing in the front. 
You try to move, but your hands are tied together and so are your legs, trying to remeber what happened made your head hurt, so you quickly gave up on that.
After what felt like hours the car finally stopped. You open your eyes, but it is still pitch black, even when you hear someone open the doors, there is nothing in your sight. Then it hit you, you´re maybe in a box, that´s why it´s so hot and you can barely breathe here.
Trying to feel where you are is a good start and you were right, you are in a box. 
Someone opens the back of the car, and you feel that you´re finally moving, they put you down, which wasn´t the gentlest way, but since you´re tied up, these people probably don´t care about your well-being. 
"Open it," you hear an old man says. 
"Money first," this is someone else, someone who is standing right next to you, you´re still seeing pitch black and that is the most terrifying out of everything right now. Even if your try to run away, you don´t know where to, there could be fifty other guys standing there, so you´re in really shitty situation.
"No. I need to see if she´s alive and if it´s truly her." It´s the first voice again. 
"She is, now give me the money." 
What the hell is going on? They want my organs? But they wouldn´t want me alive? Or would they? Maybe they need the organs fresh, shit. My organs? 
Your overthinking is making your heart beat faster, than if you would run a marathon now. 
But is it really overthinking if this is the most possible outcome of this... deal? 
"I want to see her. I won´t give you shit, if I´ll found her dead inside the box." The man is clearly mad now. 
You can hear someone else coming, it sounds like a motorcycle. "Oh so you brought backup?" 
"Me? Stop fucking playing around." You can hear that both of them are unease, their voices are filled with anger and it´s just a question of time, when they will explode like a bomb. You´re hoping you won´t be the center of catastrophe. 
The motorcycle stops and you can hear someone re-load a gun. 
A gun? Holy shit. 
"Oh come on boys? What do you think you´re doing here, hm?" You can hear a woman speaking, her voice has a hint of smokiness and a certain level of strength, making it both captivating and commanding. It's a voice that demands attention and conveys a sense of experience and resilience. You could bet your life that you already heard this voice somewhere. 
You don´t really know what´s goining on, but you feel like they´re just pointing guns at eachother, at least that´s what you´ve imagined.
The lady chuckles. "You are all surronded, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide," it was a quiet for a little bit, after she starts to speak again, "I wouldn´t done that if I was you, see the red dots? Yeah I have backup. And yours? Already arested," she adds. 
Arested? Oh she´s from the police! Police! Yes! 
You can hear how someone is walking closer to you, but from a totally different way then you heard the people talk before. But that is the last think you think of, before you completly pass out. 
... 
Beep, beep, beep. 
Is all you can hear, before you can even open your eyes. You take a few deep breaths and with that, you slowly open them. The light isn´t as sharp as you thought it´s gonna be, so you blink a few times and your already adjusted to being awake.
Looking around give you an answer where you are, the hospital. All of your clothes are on the chair, packed in a plastic bag. So it must have ended good, the lady arested the bad guys and now you´re in the hospital, which isn´t your favorite place, but hey, you could be in a coffin now, so you see it as a win. 
You don´t even feel in pain, maybe you´re head hurt a little bit, but you´re used to it. You slowly trace your hand all over your body, but you think you´re all good. 
A person coming into your room pulls you out of your thoughts, as you look up at them, you notice is The Natasha Romanoff. One of The Avengers. One of the coolest people in the whole world! 
Your eyes widen at her standing next to you with a little smile on her face. "You´re finally awake, how are you feeling?" her voice was so soothing, you feel like she could bring you from dead if that was the case. 
As you observe Natasha´s outfit, you can't help but be drawn to her effortlessly cool and edgy style. She's wearing sleek, form-fitting black pants that hug her curves perfectly, adding a touch of boldness to her overall look. The pants highlight her long, lean legs, accentuating her confidence. Her choice of a white tank top underneath the black leather jacket is simple, it shows you just enough of her abs to let you know, that she could kill with them. 
"I- uh good. Great. Amazing." She chuckles at your answer. 
"So I assume the pills are working." She nods her head and sits on your bed. 
"Meds?" A noticable confusion is written on your face and Natasha speaks right away, to ease your nerves. 
"How much do you remeber, (Y/N)?" Natasha puts her hand on your forehead to check if you have a fever. 
"Um... I remeber being in a box and being scared," Natasha hums, "I also remeber having my hands and legs tied and I- uh remeber and then I just..." you shrug. 
"Okay." She nods again. "You don´t have to worry now, we took care of them and you´re safe." Natasha gives you a smile, that did make you feel way better. You knew she was a badass and pretty too, but in person? 
She´s stunning, how can someone be this perfect? Like it is not fair. 
"Althrough..." she sighs. 
"What? Althrough what?" 
"We´re not sure if they worked alone and knowing your status, we can´t risk you getting hurt again." She adds. 
"My status? I´m sorry, I have zero idea what you´re talking about." If you were confused before, then you don´t know what you are now. 
"Oh, detka. They did numbers on you." You could see the concern in her face. 
Numbers? On me? What?
"You were missing for few months and when me and the rest of the team found you.. you were unconsious. That was 2 weeks ago, we weren´t sure if you´ll wake up. But you did and that´s amazing news, but we need to make sure, that you are safe." Natasha takes your hand in hers. 
After that Natasha left you alone and you were trying to piece the things together, but everytime you tried, you got horrible headache. 
What status? Who- what? 
... 
During the first week, it was only Natasha who came to visit you. Each time you inquired about leaving the hospital room, she staunchly insisted that you should stay and rest. Even though you expressed your boredom and eagerness to step out of the room multiple times, assuring her that you felt better, she stood unwaveringly by her belief that you needed the rest after everything you had been through. 
She visited you everyday and you realized how sweet The Black Widow actually is and how much comfort she brings you in those confusing times. But you couldn´t help, but notice what her slight touches make you feel. Touching your forehead to make sure, you don´t have a fever. Touching your hand to get your attention or just putting your fallen hair behind your ear. 
She brushes your hair every morning, reads to you, she even brought you a coloring book, which always brought you some sense of comfrot. And if Natasha wouldn´t be the one who brought it out, you would completly forget that something as kidnapping has happened to you. 
... 
This morning Natasha is not alone, she softly knocks three times as she did each morning and then slowly walks in with another person behind her. 
"(Y/N), this is-" You cut Natasha off. 
"Wanda Maximoff!" You basically yell. "S-sorry, I just... I know who you are." You sligthly blush at the two women in front of you. 
Wanda chuckles. "That´s me. Pleasure to meet you, (Y/N)." She comes closer and shakes your hand, her hand felt incredibly soft, like a gentle caress of silk against the skin, inviting warmth and comfort. 
"You don´t know what happened to you, but you remeber all of our names?" Natasha laughs as she teases. 
"I mean..." you shrug. "You are The Avnegrs! So of course I know who you are." You look away from Natasha´s gaze. 
"Sorry, that was a stupid joke." Natasha put few fallen pieces behind your ear and smiles at you. 
"No, no. It´s fine, you had a great point there." You smile back at her.  The readhead nods. "I brought Wanda, becuase she will take care of you now, for few days, before the doctors will release you." Nat smiles. 
"Oh really? When I´m going home?" You were so glad you´ll be home soon. 
Wanda just send a quick eyebrow raise to Nat. 
"What?" You look between the two women in the room. 
"Detka, you will be released from the hospital wing, but we still can´t promise there won´t be anyone waiting for you outside, so we decided that you will spend some time here, in the compound." 
"Oh." Natasha´s words caught you off guard as you really don´t know what to feel now. You couldn't help but blush and feel a bit shy as you heard Natasha call you by that nickname, but at the same time her words made you a little sad, you still have to kinda locked up.. 
Wanda notices right away, without having to read your thoughts, that you weren´t really sure about this scenario. "But I promise I´m way more fun, than boring Tasha. We can read, play games and after you´ll be on your legs we can bake, cook, I can teach you how to play guitar and many more exiting things!" You smile, that does sound good, but what about all of your clothes and... other stuff you had to have, before that incident. 
"We can go shopping too!" Natasha sends Wanda a quick glare as a warning. 
"Well... better to be bored than dead, right?" You chuckle, but none of them even smiled at your joke, which was incredibly embarrassing. 
"Don´t joke about that, detka." It was the first time you saw Natasha actually mad. 
... 
You are finally off the hospital wing, Doctor Cho told you that you need to rest and if there is anything wrong, you can call her asap. At the end she is working for the Avengers and getting calls in the middle of the night isn´t something unusual. 
Being a week with Wanda was so fun, she told you all the stories from her life, you watched many sitcoms together and her cooking skills are amazing! Anything she cooked for you, you crave for some more. You´re really positive about her putting some drug in the deserts, because everything was just so good and addicting, it´s not even possible. 
You two also spent hours on online websites shopping, for your new clothes, boots and everything you needed. Wanda payed for everything of course. Even though she told you, "Don´t worry about it," you still feel bad for spending so much of her money. 
You´re currently waiting for Wanda, to walk with you to the main room, for you to meet the rest of the team. You were very nervous, but if Nat and Wanda were so nice to you and made sure you were safe all the time, you believe that the rest of the team is the same. 
"There she is!" Wanda comes to you, hugging you closly. Like any other day, she was warm and you feel even better. 
"Here I am. But I can take it-" You say as Wanda grabs the one plastic bag with your stuff. 
"None of that, malysh. You need to rest." 
"This weights basically zero zero nothing, I could-" You met Wanda´s eyes, "thank you for taking my bag." You smile. 
"That´s what I´ve thought, malyshka." These nicknames will kill you, sooner or later.  The two of you went to the living room, which was a two floors above you. The ride in the elevator was quiet and comfrotable. 
Bing. 
Wanda immedietly links your hands with yours, which you don´t mind it at all, it´s actually calming your nerves and she knows it very well. There is no need to read your mind, your body is speaking for you this time, with your relaxed posture and the little adorable smile on your face. 
"They are nice, but little... hectic and full of energy. If anything, let me know and we can go to the bedroom." Wanda smiles. 
"Thank you, WanWan," you smile back, if her and Nat can give you nicknames, you will think of something too. "I think I can manage, um... will Nat be there?"
Wanda smiles at her new nickname and then shakes her head, "Natasha is coming later tonight, you know, Avengers stuff." You simpy nod. 
You could hear the other teammates right away, but you hear only women´s voices. You were honestly glad. Not like you don´t like the male Avengers, but... they are still males, so you already felt more comfortable knowing there are only bunch of ladies. 
Wanda opens the door for you and walks right behind you. "Ladies, I´d like you to meet someone, someone very special, so please don´t attack her with questions or any other... things." She giggles and you look around and you feel like in a dream. 
Carol Danvers, Kate Bishop, Yelena Belova, and Maria Hill are all seated on a comfortable, oversized sofa, while Wanda still stands beside you. 
"Hai," you whisper as you awkwardly put your hand up in some sort of a wave. 
All you could hear was all sorts of greetings, "Hi! Hello! Oh finally, hey!..." The sudden outpour of warmth takes you by surprise, and you can't help but blush and offer a shy smile in response to their overwhelming hospitality. 
"Easy, ladies!" Wanda quickly says. 
"Move, Maximoff." The Captain Marvel herself says as she stands up. 
"No. All of you are like a bunch of hawks and (Y/N) is tiny, not a chance I will leave her all alone in this." Wanda grips your hand tighter. 
You blush as you look at Carol. 
"Im Carol, nice to meet you, (Y/N)." She smirks at you. 
"I- I know... and you are Maria, Kate, Yelena," you smile as you point at each of them. 
Wanda giggles. "She is our big fan," she explains. 
"Ohh, is she?" Maria finally speak, "do you kow the rest of the ladies?" 
"The rest?" You look at her, not knowing, who is the rest. "You´re living here with everyone? Like everyone? Where are the guys?" you obviously have many question. 
"Most of us do, but sometimes there is a mission of world so-" Carol is cut off by Maria. 
"Don´t start with this bulshit, Danvers. Like you´re something special, just because you can travel to space..." The brown haired girl rolls her eyes. 
"I didn´t say I´m special, you did." Carol winks at her.  Wanda leans closer to you and whisper right into your ear. "This is a daily basis on here, you´ll get used to it," she giggles and so did you. 
"To answer your quiestion fully," Kate clears her throat, "all the ladies live here, all of us got room and it´s just like a never ending sleepover." Kate chuckles, she is probably the same age as you, or little older, which makes you feel better around everyone. 
"And no. There are no guys. Is that a bad thing?" Yelena says without zero emotion in her voice. 
"No! No, no, no! I mean I bet they are great, but I´m into girls. I mean... as a fact, I think you guys," you point at them, "just do it better. Way badass, smarter, faster, everything is just waaay better, you know?" you tried to save youself, but it didn´t work at all. Even Yelena has a slight smirk on her face. 
"You were right, Maximoff. She is cute." Yelena nods towards you and Wanda. 
"So you´re into ladies?" Kate smiles. 
"No, yes. I mean yes, but I didn´t mean it like that in the previous context," you answer her. 
"What was the context then?" Now it was Wanda speaking right into your ear. 
You are quiet for a second and then just shrug, "I guess i didn´t want to talk shit about the male Avengers." you chuckle. 
"Don´t worry, we won´t tell them." Kate laughs. 
"Well... if you know a lots of things about us, isn´t it fair for us to know little something about you too?" Carol sits on a couch next to Maria. 
"Go sit, malysh, I´ll bring you something to drink." Wanda sligtly pushes you towards the couch, when her hand leave your lower back, you already miss her touch. 
You sit between Kate and Carol, while Maria stares at you with a slight smirk. So you quickly look at the youngest Avenger, and you can already tell, that she´s really exited to talk to you and get to know you better. 
You sit nervously between Carol and Kate, feeling a bit overwhelmed by the attention. Carol leans back confidently, a smirk on her face. "So, what's your thing, hobbies, what´s your favorite food?" 
"Um, well, I like uh, reading. And I enjoy cooking as well." 
Kate is like a exited pupppy. "That's cool! Any favorite books? Oh, and, do you have a go-to pizza topping?" 
Wanda comes back with the water and place it on the table, giving Kate a stern look, "easy Bishop," then she sits on the chair right in front of you. 
"I love reading fantasy novels. And, for pizza, I'm a sucker for pepperoni." 
Maria and Yelena, watching you, listen intently, their interest evident in their expressions. 
Carol smiles, "That's awesome. We should have a cooking night together sometime. What do you say?" 
You and Wanda make eye contact "Well... I already planned that with Wanda, so..." 
"Oh really, Maximoff? We´re already calling dibs? That is not fair." Carol rolls her eyes. 
"Or all of us can cook together?" You smile at Carol. 
"Carol in the kitchen is the worst way of dying, so it´s a no for me." Yelena mumbles and leaves the room, Maria following closely behind. "Agreed."
"I can teach you! The simple things are not that hard, right Wanda?" 
The girl infront of you just sighs and nods, "Sadly it´s not." 
"Oh come on, don´t be so harsh on her, I bet it´s not that terrible... right?" You feel more and more comfortable with all the ladies around you. 
... 
"It´s not that terrible, right?" Wanda mocks you as you see flour flying, ingredients get mixed up, and the result is far from what the recipe intended. 
Wanda and Kate exchange amused glances, but they both maintain their composure, trying not to laugh. You, though, can't help but chuckle, as you didn't expect this level of chaos in the kitchen. 
Carol, with a sheepish grin, looks at her culinary creation. "I promise, I'm better at saving the world than making food." 
"You better be, Danvers." Wanda smirks as she smacks her dirty hand on Carol´s ass, leaving a white mark on her black sweatpants. 
"Oh you´re so in, Maximoff!" Carol turns around and runs for her, to get her revange. 
You and Kate burst into laughter, all in good spirits. Despite the kitchen disaster, the shared experience brings the group closer together. 
You jump on the messy kitchen counter, smiling from ear to ear. "That was... fun." 
Kate nods and turns to look at you, "yup." She moves closer to you and touch your nose with her finger from... butter? You guess. "But at least now you see why is Wanda doing all the cooking. Sometimes Nat, but mostly our witchy." Kate is being very close to you know, her hands resting on your thighs. 
"Fair point." You look down and blush, "maybe we should start cleaning?" 
Kate shakes her head, "Wanda does a little poof and everything is clean, don´t worry about that." 
"If Wanda survives." You point out. 
"True." Kate chuckles. 
"You have very blue eyes." You don´t know where this comment came from. 
"I do, yeah. And you have very y/e/c eyes, (Y/N)." Kate is now whispering. 
Nodding your head seem like the only good idea, since you don´t trust your voice at the moment. 
"Would you like me to show you around and maybe later show you my room?" Kate asks, while staring at you. 
"Oh are you flirting, Kate Bishop?" You roll your eyes at her. 
She tilts her head, "what? You have such a dirty mind, miss (Y/N). I am not flirting with you, you would notice if I would." She squeezes your thighs and step away from you, "you going or what?" She smirks at you. 
And with the most dramatic groan you jump off the counter and follow her through the compound. 
... 
After Kate showed you around, you were positive that you need a map, because there is no way you would remeber all the catacombs and shortcuts. No way. 
And final stop, Kate´s floor. Warm, soft light streams into the room from a string of fairy lights above the windows, creating a cosy atmosphere. In one corner, a leather chair and a sleek, modern desk scattered with papers from her most recent missions indicate her dedication as a superhero. A collection of classic bass guitars in another corner, all neatly organized. Her two worlds—the life of an skilled archer and the spirit of adventure of a young hero—combine in balance in the room. 
"Oh my god- it´s so cozy in here!" You smile as you look around, seeing all the bows and special arrows on the wall. "Wow," you mumble as your hand wants to touch her black bow with silver ornaments on it, "may I?" 
"Go ahead, I don´t use these." She smiles. 
Your finger traces those shapes up and down, but your attention switches into something else, many pictures on the wall made you giggle out loud, "No way! You have Halloween nights here?!" You look at a few pictures on the wall, but one catches your eye right away.  
As you gaze at the Halloween picture, you can't help but smile at the fun and creativity captured in the snapshot. In the center, Kate Bishop stands proudly, dressed as a demon, her costume is complete with horns, pitchfork, and an impish grin that perfectly matches her cocky spirit. 
To her left, Maria Hill is a regal Queen of Hearts, her costume rich in detail, from the heart-adorned scepter to the ornate, card-themed headdress, giving her an air of authority with a playful twist. That she has even without this costume. 
Beside Maria, Natasha Romanoff stands as the Queen of Spades, her costume exuding an air of confidence. Her attire is a perfect blend of elegance and danger, with a spade symbol adorning her crown. And of course, her one and only iconic smirk. 
Wanda Maximoff, on the other hand, adds a touch of the Wild West to the group as she confidently portrays a cowboy. Her fringe-trimmed jacket, wide-brimmed hat, and toy six-shooter holster create a vibrant, yee-haw Western charm. 
Carol Danvers, in contrast, takes on a divine role, embodying a goddess with her shimmering costume and ethereal accessories. Around her waist, a gilded belt cinches the gown, emphasizing her muscle figure. It is adorned with intricate patterns and symbols that hint at ancient mysticism. Her accessories are no less impressive – a tiara with sparkling gemstones graces her brow, and her wrist cuffs shimmer with a radiant energy. 
Finally, Yelena Belova channels her inner child (kinda) as she steps into the shoes of Lara Croft. Her outfit mimics the iconic video game character's attire, complete with dual holstered pistols, a utility belt. 
"You thought we´re boring or what?" Kate walks up behind you.
"A little bit." You admit, "but this looks so fun! I´m quite upset I´ve missed that." 
"Don´t worry, you´ll get an opportunity. But I´ll bite, what would you dress up as?" Kate voice sending shivers down your spine. 
"Hm..." you turn around, "I take Halloween very seriously, so..." you try to think. "Well since Wanda was a cowboy, I would go as a reversed cowboy. You know, put a little UNO reverse card on my head. It´s funny and also good effort." You giggle. 
"Oh, sweet sweet (Y/N), you´re wilder than I thought," Kate chuckles, "I like that idea, now I´m quite upset too, you would be such a fun to our little party." She winks. 
You´re stomach feels like it´s filled with butterflies, that are trying to get into your whole body. 
"You feel my flirting, huh?" Kate smirks again. 
"Oh shush, I don´t want to boost your ego." You want to turn around, but Kate grabs you by your waist. 
"You don´t need to, pretty girl." 
"Kate..." You´re glancing at her lips, then back into her blue eyes and then back on her lips. 
"Hm?" Kate knows and you know that she knows and that makes you even more frustrated. 
"I- I don´t know what to s-" you barely whisper. 
"Then don´t say anything, I´ve got you. It´s all good, you´re safe with me here, okay?" Kate whispers and with you nodding your head, Kate leans in and your lips connect. Her lips are incredibly soft. Second ego, you were shy around the archer, but now, you want more, you crave more. She´s holding your hips, her strong grip making you feel secured and that´s all it matters now. 
As you found yourself captivated by the enchanting presence of the Bishop girl, it was a moment of shared intimacy, and none among you were present enough to recognize the subtle observe of the Witch and Captain. The door had been unintentionally left ajar, providing an unanticipated point for the two observers. From their concealed perch, they had a front-row seat to the scene. This unintentional voyeurism presented a silent spectacle that would be etched in the memory of all involved, forever preserving that delicate moment. 
"Really? Bishop is the first one?" Carol whispers, and Wanda gazes at her with a mix of understanding and frustration. She senses the storm in Carol, and it resonates with her because she feels the same emotions. Deep inside, Wanda hoped she would be the first to share that intimate moment with you. She had been so close, with Natasha temporarily away, but fate had other plans, and Kate Bishop claimed the coveted position first.
"Look, Carol, she´s really into it." Wanda´s jealous thought disappears, as she sees you pulling Kate closer and slightly biting her lip. 
"How many weeks did Natasha said to wait? 8-9? And we will discuss it? I knew it was bulshit." Carol chuckles. 
Wanda smirks and takes a picture of you and Kate making out, sending it straight to Natasha, with a message on it 'What if our new plaything is not waiting?' 
After literally 5 seconds, Wanda´s phone lit up with a new message from Natasha, 'omw.' 
... 
After your pretty heavy make out session with Kate, everything was different around the compound. Kate was by your side almost every minute and the other girls were as well. Everyone but Natasha. You didn't know if you did something wrong or if she had just a lot of avenger's work, but you wanted her attention. 
“I wouldn't go there, right now.” Maria says as she somehow appears right behind you. 
You were just about to knock on Natasha´s door to her office. Due to Maria, you pull your hand away, “why?” 
“She´s just not in the right mood now.” The agent explains. 
“Well, me neither, so-” you turn around and knock three times. 
“You´re really stubborn, huh?” Maria chuckles and turns around, walking away. 
“I already told you that I don´t have the time for your-” you hear behind the door, until the door opened, “oh, it´s you.” Natasha´s voice went from raspy angry spy to nice Natty, who used to brush your hair every morning, when you have been in the hospital wing. 
“It´s me.” You smile a little and without another word you step inside her office. 
Natasha watches you; she tilts her head waiting for your next move. 
“I kinda invited myself, sorry. But I have a question.” You give her office a quick glance, nothing original, just a big modern office, with lots of paperwork everywhere.  
The view is special though, you can take in the lush expanse of the garden, every detail from the blooming flowers to the trees. And beyond the garden's beauty, the panorama stretches out to reveal the entire cityscape. Skyscrapers rise majestically, their windows reflecting the sunlight, while the urban landscape sprawls in all directions.    “I´m listening.” The redhead closes the door. 
“Did I do something wrong? Or... like why don’t we talk anymore? You barely look at me when you come into the room, I just- did I do something wrong? I know you have a lot of work because the people who tried to... you know, but uh- like what's going on, Natty?” The nickname slips out and you don’t even notice, but Natasha did, she always notices those small details. 
You can hear her sigh, that´s never a good sign. 
Shit. 
“Detka, sit.” She nods towards the chair in her office, and you quickly did so. “It´s not like I don’t want to talk to you, I do. But I just thought that you´re already taken and I do not mess into someone else's business.” That was a lie, another one, that you can´t catch on. 
“What do you mean?” You quickly mumble, feeling like a kid who did something bad, since Natasha is standing above you now. 
“You and Kate.”  
“We- we uh are not dating, if that’s what you're asking.” You blush. 
“I'm not asking, (Y/N). But I would appreciate if next time you would be honest with me.” Natasha turns around. 
“But I am! We are not dating, we- are just friends.”  
“Friends?” Natasha turns back to face you, looking down at her phone scrolling, trying to find a picture that Wanda send to her. “Is this what friends do?”  
Shit, where did she get the picture?! 
“I-” you can't find any words that would help. You feel horrible, even though you didn’t do anything wrong, or did you? 
“I need to work now, to keep you safe, remember? So... if that´s all, see you at dinner.” Natasha looks sad, incredibly sad in fact. She opens the door for you and without anything else you leave. 
After few minutes of standing behind Natasha´s door, you decided that you need to blow off some steam and the Avengers compound has everything, so some boxing and sauna after don´t sound like a bad idea at all. Even though you had a boxing class like once in your life, you´ll manage, at least that´s what you hope. 
… 
It was not actually that bad, you feel exhausted, but also little better, hoping that sauna will do the rest of the magic.  
What you didn’t know is that you're not the only one craving to ease your nerves there. 
As you open the door you see quite a pleasing sign in front of you, Carol Danvers eating out Wanda right in the sauna, where you wanted to rest. You are like a deer caught in the lights, before you can say anything, the witch notices you and smirk. 
“We have an audience, Captain,” she whispers between her moans. 
Carol turns her head, and her eyes meet yours, “wanna join?” the blonde one chuckles as Wanda slaps her hand playfully. 
You don´t answer, you´re too occupied staring at Carol´s well-defined arms, you can see her veins, which switch something inside you. 
“Earth to (Y/N),” Wanda chuckles, “would you like to finish me, malyska?” 
“N-no, sorry! Shit! I didn´t know that- you uh- it will be occupied!” and with that you run away. 
“She was staring at you.” 
“She was basically drooling.”  
“Oh please! Don't let it get to your head! 
“Do you want to cum or not?” 
“Yes, captain.” 
“Then shut your pretty mouth.” Carol smirks as she dives back into the witch´s sensitive spot. 
… 
“I didn’t know Carol and Wanda are dating,” you sip from your newly opened water bottle. 
“Um... they are not.” Kate looks at you. 
“I´m pretty sure they are,” small giggle is escaping your mouth. 
“How so?” The taller girl tilts her head, “I´ll bite.” 
“I found them in the sauna together!” You look at Kate, “and they were... you know...” 
“Naked? Well that´s usually the scenario in the sauna, (Y/N).” She laughs. 
“I mean yeah they were naked, but they were... being close, intimate!” 
Kate is obviously not catching what you're trying to say. 
“They were fucking, Bishop.” Yelena says as she enters the kitchen. “Carol has pretty high sex drive since she´s ‘off planet’ most of the time.”  
“Oooh!” Kate says as she understands you now, but she does not look shocked. 
“So, they are like friends with benefits kind of a thing?”  
“If you want to label it, then I guess.” Yelena shrugs and you blush, imagining what you have seen earlier. 
Carol and Wanda then enter the kitchen as well, you don´t dare to look into their eyes, but you can feel that they are staring at you. You can bet anything in the world that they are also smirking. “What´s for dinner? I'm kinda hungry.” Captain Carol says. 
“You´ve just ate, Danvers!” Kate says it in a teasing way, which makes Wanda giggle and Yelena smirk. 
“But I would still eat some more, what do you say Bishop, you up for it?” the blonde one tilts her head. But even the chuckle she lets out sounds like she means it. 
You are too stunned to speak or even move a little. You see Natasha and Maria coming to the kitchen as well, hoping one of them will save you from blushing and slowly melting away. The trained spy notices your shy behavior right away. “What did you do to our little one?”  
It´s like she pushes the small ‘argument’ you had away when she sees you struggling.  
“Nothing!” Wanda says. 
“Yet.” Carol ads. 
“She just caught Danvers and Maximoff fucking in the sauna.” Yelena explains. 
You instantly want to leave the room, not that you would be uncomfortable, but you can feel yourself getting too excited, just being with these women in one room is too much to handle, talking about sex? Seeing them have sex? You´re questioning how are you still alive. 
“Detka...” Natasha starts, all eyes are on you right now. 
“Hm?” Is all you can menage to let out, hoping it would satisfy all of them, but you´re wrong, shockingly, right? The Black Widow clears her throat, and your body automatically makes you look up at her. “I didn´t meant to, I just... wanted to use the sauna and Carol with Wanda were just there um-”  
“If I clearly remember Wanda and I were both inviting you, so I don’t see the issue here.” Carol smirks at Wanda. 
You bite the inside of your cheeks, hoping it will calm you down. 
“There was a moment that I thought you would join us, malysh. And I think that you do too, am I right?” The witch knows exactly what your thoughts were about, she´s pushing you to just admit it. 
“Um- no! No, not at all. No. I was- definitely not.” you shake your head more than you should, but you can´t help it. Trying to make it more believable, but you're failing, miserably. “Not that I think you don´t look great, you do! Your bodies were- are phenomenal! But uh-” 
You are cut off by Wanda slapping Carols hand, “I told you she was staring.” 
“And I told you, she was drooling,” Carol sends you a wink and you quickly look away from her. 
“Okay, ladies. Give her a second and you,” Natasha locks eyes with you, “how about we move to couch, you will sit down and take a few deep breaths, alright detka?” The redhead smiles at you as her soft hand touches you, leading you to the living room. You can just nod, but you're happy, because Natasha doesn’t look mad or upset anymore, actually there is this look in her eyes, you can´t quite point a finger what it means, but her eyes kind of shifted somehow. 
After a few minutes of Natasha saying sweet nothings, you calm down a bit, she whispers, “It´s okay to look, you know. No need to feel shy about it. Honestly, we all do appreciate a good compliment, especially from a pretty girl like you, (Y/N).” And there it is again; your cheeks are flushed, and your heart is beating fast again. 
“How about we all help? To make you feel better, that is what you want right?” Wanda comes in, her hands slowly massaging your stiff shoulders.  
“I- I don’t want to bother you, or like-” you stutter out, your mind being a little fuzzy, you just feel tingles all around you, in you, everywhere. 
“Shhh, we promised we will help you out, so just let us.” Wanda whispers in your ear. 
“Or not and we will find our way.” Maria finally speaks. “Besides, it would not be fair, Kate already had her time with you, and we all are good friends, we share things. That´s just how it works here.”  
You look at Kate, who's now standing in front of you, looking down at you with a smile on her face, that is telling you, that she does not have any regrets of throwing you into the cage full of hungry tigers. Infact, she looks like a kid on a Christmas Eve. Suddenly, your mind is craving any touch. 
What's going on? 
‘You want this, shhh, you´re safe. Everything is okay. Just enjoy this.’ 
I want this. So much. 
‘That is right, malyshka.’ 
Wanda nods, giving a signal to the rest of the girls. Kate immediately knowing what to do, she basically sprints out of the room to get some stuff from the ‘Avengers special room’, it´s not even a minute and she's back with some ropes, wand, few straps, and handcuffs.  
It´s your first time with them, so they don’t want to overstimulate you that much. Other toys for other days. 
Maria takes the ropes and starts to tie your hands together, putting them above your head, “Keep them there.”  
“Yes, -” you stop yourself and Maria raises her eyebrow, she knows that you wanted to use your manners and address her by a title, but your little messy head does not know which one to use. 
“Sir.” She smirks and you nod a little. 
“Yes, sir,” you give her a little smile, it makes so much sense, that this is her title. 
“Already being so good?” Natasha kisses your forehead, going to the kitchen and making sure she's putting the phone in a good place for the perfect angle of her little movie. 
Lots of things are happening and you feel people touching you all over your body. Hill finishes tying your hands together and she comes to Natasha, both of them are saying something, but you can't hear at all. Your attention is now on Wanda and Kate, they are slowly tying your legs together, is hot, but adorable at the same time as the witch is teaching the young archer how to do the perfect knot. 
Carol is already without her clothes, having only a big strap on herself as she is adjusting the harness and even though you saw her naked already, you don’t think you could get enough of her. 
Suddenly there are some lips on yours, when they pull away, you notice it´s Yelena, you smile at her instinctively. She is a bit harsh, but you actually like it that way, and both of you know it. “Have fun, when you´re done here, come to my room. Understood?” 
You nod, again, “Understood, yes,” you whisper. 
Yelena just smiles a little, and slaps your cheek, which caught you off guard, but it sends shivers down your body, making your pussy even more wet. You´re positive that you´re already making so much mess. 
Carol finally comes to you and picks you up, without a word she places you on the table in the living room, making you the center of attention. But you don’t want her to let go of you, she's so warm and her strong embrace is making you feel like the most secured person in the entire milky way.  
“Don´t worry, malysh. Captain is very cuddly after sex.” Wanda sends you a wink as her and Kate finishes the tight knots on your legs. 
Natasha comes with a knife in her hand, slowly cutting through your clothes and with a slight smirk she says with such a rasp in her voice, “who wants to go first?” 
THANK YOU FOR READING! 💕💕💕
This went totally different way than I wanted to, but hey, here we are :p
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npd-goro-akechi · 8 months
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I dont like how often Ill see people say that Akechi "didnt ever" hate Joker, that hes always liked Joker, because I think a lot of the appeal of their relationship comes from how Akechi simultaneously loves and hates him, and insisting that he only feels one or the other - I think - kind of takes away from that. Why? Why cant it be both? Why cant he absolutely despise Joker for making him feel inferior, for getting in the way of everything he has ever set out to do. Why cant he be angry at how now of all times he finds someone who can keep up with him and understand him? And why cant all that be true, and how he likes Joker for being everything he couldnt, for being a hero he could only wish to be, for, like him, never straying from his morals and convictions? As I said before, I feel like not understanding this mix of love and hate undermines their relationship. But I also think it takes away from Shido and Akechi's relationship, too. Shido is Akechis father, and despite EVERYTHING, Akechi still does want that praise and admiration from him, he still wants to be cared for by his family. The closest people to Akechi are Joker and Shido, and he has a love/hate relationship with BOTH, and thats important because if the basis of those two relationships are the same, we can start looking at what the differences are. Despite Akechi having such turbulent feelings towards both, the two relationships are so different, you can easily see the mutual respect and understanding and agency Joker and Akechi share when compared to Shido and Akechi. Insisting that Akechi only feels either love or hate towards either, or insisting that Akechi ONLY has a love/hate relationship towards Joker takes away from his character and the importance of both of these relationships and their effect on Akechi's character Anyway... hope that made sense. Im just rambling thoughts I've never had time to write down before and also this is just firmly my opinion! I will not start hunting down someone just because they said akechi only hates or only loves joker lets all be civil thank you goodnight
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trevuorzegras · 7 months
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━╋ MY RIGHT TO BE HELLISH, part two
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jealous by nick jonas
summary: In which Quinn Hughes has been liking some very interesting comments, and post’s recently regarding actress y/n y/l/n. (part 2/4)
pairings: quinn hughes x actress!reader
platonic!jack hughes x reader. social media au
faceclaim: dove cameron
prev part
next part
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y/nfanpage
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y/nfanpage: y/n in her most recent photoshoot! my girl looks good in purple! #y/n @yourusername
liked by _quinnhughes, username, and others
user1: am i the only one seeing quinn in the likes?
↳ user2: i thought i was tweakin 😭
↳ user1: you most definitely are not user2
_quinnhughes: oh wow.
*this comment has been deleted*
user3: was that a fanpage or actually quinn? i couldn’t tell, it was deleted too fast
↳ user4: pretty sure it was a fanpage! (:
↳ user3: oh okay thank you! user4
user5: she looks so good??
user6: yourusername
user7: why do you guys care about this puck bunny anyways??
↳ user8: in order to BE a PUCK BUNNY she would have to have slept with more than one hockey player, which she hasn’t done. you people call anyone a puck bunny. move along.
liked by _quinnhughes
user9: the way he liked the comment defending her 😭😭😭😭 i am ILL
↳ user10: my PARENTS
yourusername
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yourusername: been so super sick recently, so here’s a camera roll dump of my past few days 🫶🏼
liked by _quinnhughes, kyliejenner, and others
user11: the way she’s still beautiful when she’s sick is actually beyond me
liked by _quinnhughes
user12: how are you angel?
↳ yourusername: im quite alright! been in bed feeling icky the past few days, but i’m alright. how are you sweetheart?
↳ user12: OMG you responded!! im okay, i hope you feel better!! yourusername
njdevils: feel better y/l/n 🫶🏼
canucks: sending you virtual hugs!
user13: canucks & devils being here 😭😭
trevorzegras: jackhughes lhughes_06 is this her???
↳ lhughes_06: now why the HELL would you comment. 💀
user14: wait if trevor is here.. someone talks to him about y/n. who is it. fess up NOW
↳ user15: gotta be one of the hughes’ right???
↳ user16: that’s the only thing that makes sense i think cause no one else has commented user15
user17: my bets on quinn yappin about her, especially after everything he has been liking 🤷‍♀��
liked by trevorzegras, lhughes_06, jackhughes, and others.
user18: that liked comment answer all our questions LMFAOO 💀💀
_quinnhughes: feel better 🖤
↳ yourusername: thank you quinn (:
jackhughes added to their story!
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story replies.
_quinnhughes: ??
_quinnhughes: what the hell jack
lhughes_06: oh so THIS is why quinn just called me and went on a thirty minute rant. got it!
yourusername has added to their story!
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story replies.
_quinnhughes: fun.
_quinnhughes: if you needed company, should’ve just asked.
jackhughes: oh he’s mad mad
lhughes_06: WHAT IS HAPPENING
next part
sorry this is so short but, part two! i’m actually enjoying this book so far. we’ll see how it turns out. don’t be afraid to send requests!
check out my navigation, here!
check out my nhl masterlist, here!
taglist | @literatureluster @wnderify
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lenny-link · 1 month
Note
In regards to the SU x TF2 AU:
I have been racking my brain over here trying to understand the decision to make RED Spy a ruby and BLU Spy a sapphire. Nothing about his portrayal seemed to line up with canon depictions of rubies or sapphires, and RED Spy's gem isn't even faceted like a ruby. Also the obvious joke of making him a Bixbite, like the corrupted gem who was a giant crab, seemed obvious. Then it dawned on me.
He's a color-change sapphire, isn't he? That's why his RED version has a sapphire cut despite supposedly being a ruby? And also potentially why he's the only one we've seen RED and BLU variations of (though I get the impression that's also so one can be paired with Scout's Ma and the other with Engie) when all the others have been RED(-ish) isn't it? Or am I completely off base with this theory?
i LOVE your theory i wish you shared your thoughts before i elaborated the ‘lore’ of the au
but since ive had lots of questions about details id like to mention that:
1. i originally had not planned to make any story behind the su au, so if there’s things that dont make sense, don’t align with canon and stuff, it was not planned soo im working with what i have :p
2. i was hoping no one notices the mistake i made of swapping the gems ruby/sapphire lol its because at first i had drawn Blu(sapphire) Spy in that page, but i thought it was confusing since there was RedSpy x Scout’sMa and Scout next to him, so i just changed the colors and i didnt change the gem bc i was lazy :P
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3. the main reason i put both Blu/Red Spy was to create fusion, i thought to add an extra merc with a blu color would be cool for the fusions that isnt from ClassicTeam, and idk i couldn’t think of a better merc to have as a pair than Spy and i thought there is more potential with 2 Spies to work on a story than any other merc idk
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(yes i didnt put garnet as the fusion so as not to make confusion with Demoman being a Garnet, and we don’t have an Amethyst anyways so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )
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4. it is IMPOSSIBLE to align each TF2 character with a SU character, there’s nothing in common between the two medias whatsoever, so the dynamics that im gonna be making for the TF2 au are gonna be a bit mixed, for example: RedSpy and BluSpy having Ruby/Sapphire’s dynamic (kinda), but also they have the same dynamic as Rose/Pearl, for the part where Red would go with a human (Scout’s Ma) and Blu would be jealous (just like pearl), HeavyMedic also would be having Ruby/Sapphire dynamic (the part where they fuse for the first time just like Ruby/Sapphire in the show, im still working on comic about this btw)
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5. also im mixing with well TF2 canon story + trying really to make an original story too, soo its a whole mess ik :p im trying just bear with me ^^"
but thank you for pointing that out, it makes me happy knowing people actually pay attention to details thats super fun! ill make sure to not miss any details next time! :D
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aniqua · 2 months
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error: v1r2ous | yandere!qimir x reader
✧content: 18+ mdni, y/n not used, everything that comes with yandere tendencies, a prequel to [f13nd] that can stand on its own
✧anon says: "im super curious to perhaps see flashbacks of reader and qimirs relationship before their death but whatever u choose to do w the plot im sure itll be great!!!💓"
✧note: anonie, my self-control is laughable. this originally was a couple of bullet points until it wasn't. I even foreshadowed it when I said, "I keep pretty much be convinced of a lot of things if it's in the form feedback."
✧word count: 1.4K
✧series masterlist
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Qimir and you originally met when you entered his shop to buy something for an illness you were experiencing.
From his perspective, a pretty customer--wide-eyed, slightly frazzled, but sincere--comes in walking in like a blown-in dandelion, and his brain halts at a blank. All of his senses were taking you in except for sound. He was picking up on your scent, taking in your appearance, trying to taste your fragrance like a madman, all the while he couldn’t hear a thing coming out of your rosy lips.
There are no quippy jokes, clever back and forths, or sarcastic upselling. He just saw someone with shining eyes and an unintentional constant pout to their lips as they explained their problem and he was just staring.
Through what he heard when he finally checked back in, you chose to entrust him with your health because of what you heard through grapevines and gossip which led him to take on a deep sense of responsibility to get what he was making down to the right gram.
From your perspective, you didn’t expect the apothecary to be so breathtaking. You expected to meet the face of an age-old man who you’d have to convince to take your symptoms seriously. So when you had materialized at the first jingle of the door and you saw Qimir look up, you’d almost waited for his master to come walking out of a room. Even as you spoke, you sort of hoped it would still happen since his sharp features but kind eyes were too overwhelming for your sensitive self to stomach. If he was to be your saving grace, you feared that your timidness to his aura would have you killed before a progression in your condition did.
Through nervous small talk from you and shaking hands that only Qimir could feel, he works on something as you watch with a look that could only have him describe you as a rabbit. In the end, he fervently insists that you return for weekly refills since swore he could only make so much with the supplies that he had. This was untrue. But you were so dazzled by the way parts of his warm hand ghosted yours when he passed the medication that you didn’t even think twice about it.
By a few months, you both had established an unspoken comfort that resided between each of your meetings. 
You were expected to call ahead so that Qimir could ensure it was just him and you in the shop. Your appreciation for the gesture made you believe that he was entirely selfless but let Qimir tell it and it would be the most selfish thing he did once a week. The days would meander as he spent time forgetting faces until he’d get a call in which in that moment, the time ran like a jackrabbit. 
There was a night when you called so late that the sun had already set and he was already in bed. He picked it up without a second thought and felt his spine turn into water when he heard you on the other end profusely apologizing. The name of the game was reassurance and patience as he tried to keep you talking. He so effortlessly did it that you would almost believe him when he said he didn’t mind the call if you didn’t feel immense guilt.
Qimir spent the time listening to you ramble about the series of unfortunate events that had led you to break your medicine vials and lose your travel ticket. The way your weak voice spoke and the shaking in your cadence made it clear to anyone who cared--so Qimir--that you had just been crying. 
“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” you heard from the other end. He waited for you to come down from your panic while twistedly picturing how beautiful you must have looked when you cried. Red eyes, clinging lashes, and swollen lips flashed across his mind just for him to say “I know a guy who can get you a much sooner ticket and when you come here tomorrow I’ll make you more. Free of charge. How does that sound?”
Another good amount of back and forth was spent with you refusing his generosity until his persistent rejection of your rejection caved you. Sure, you felt unworthy of the offer but you also were terrible at resisting the way he sounded over the phone. 
It was in that moment that Qimir determined to make you his permanent problem. From his perspective, he couldn’t stay just your good friend, but he wanted you to see him as the lighthouse that you were a permanent resident of. He was transfixed on the image of you and him together.
Did Qimir actually know a guy? No, but he wasn’t going to find a guy since he knew how to be both hell and high water.
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On another one of your later visits, you made some remarks about your uncomfortable trip to his store as his hair curtain his face while he worked. 
Qimir saw this as a rare window of opportunity to take advantage of the trust between the both of you.
“You know, long trips are taxing on the body,” he said as he was dicing a specific plant.
“How else do you expect me to get here?” you teased as you layed your head on the counter and watched him so focused. It was when you liked watching him most. 
This was now routine for the both of you. You would pretend like you weren’t watching the way his biceps flexed and his brows knitted together when he was focused. All the while, Qimir was trying to use every bit of his self-control not to drown in your fresh scent and the warmth that came from your close body. If he didn’t use every bit of the discipline he was taught, he would have devoured once for every time he looked up to find you desperately trying to look anywhere else out of shyness.
“You’d walk here if you just lived in the city,” he told you while peeking through his lashes.
You sighed as you waited for another lecture from him that he practically had memorized but it never came which surprised you. He was playing offensive this time.
“The city is expensive,” you said.
“Hm” he quirked a brow in acknowledgment as he kept dicing. Although he was calculating, he loved the way your voice sounded when you were passionate.
“And who knows if I’ll find somewhere to live on such short notice.”
“So stay here.” he dropped so casually as he went to grab something off of a high shelf.
“Huh?” That was new.
Qimir didn’t say anything until he came back. He made his way back to the counter and leaned over it. You felt so scattered as you watched his striking features get closer as you swallowed. He was intentionally playing dirty.
“Stay here and you can work in the shop in exchange.” When he shrug so nonchalantly, strands of his hair framed his face so well.
“Qi-Qimir,” you manage to get out. “You don’t want me here,” you joked trying to get out of his intense soul-eating eyes. However, he took your hands as you tried to lean back into the chair you were sitting in.
“What makes you say that?” You almost lost your breath at the way he lifted his brow.
“You really want to become roommates with a customer?” you said only half teasing.
The way his expression shifted like a cloud had gone over him. You wondered if you had said something wrong. With his thumb, he made circles in your hands as he straightened out the fabric of your shirt. He was still silent as you held your breath until he said, “Did you really think I’d empty out a store on a weekly basis for just some customer?” His voice was steady as he practically loomed over you from across the table.
You had no response to his words but you were getting hot in the face.
“I don’t even answer Osha’s calls in the middle night,” he laughed. The way that he went back to his light demeanor and the smile that eclipsed his eyes gave you enough whiplash to say stupidly vomit “alright” without any clue as to what you were signing up for.
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