#:) i will not do it bc we are dealing with a different issue n i dont want to tell her this one bc i cant handle that much discussion

[kyuala]

SOOOOOO hard to go through everyday life trying to ignore the never-ending feeling that im just irreparably fucked up and therefore should just give up on everything

[moonlightspencie]

Help Me Hold on to You

Description: Ted and the reader struggle with balancing mental health and everyday life. (Based on The Archer by Taylor Swift)

Pairing: Ted Lasso x fem!Reader

Warnings: depictions of anxiety and panic

Word Count: 8.9k

A/N: one of my all time favs that i’ve written (and, not to sound conceited, one of my favs in general bc it was super self-indulgent hehe). originally posted on tumblr. then dropped onto ao3. now it’s back on tumblr.

“Hey, Y/N. Whatcha up to?” Ted burst into your shared office, a wide-eyed look on his face.

You shook your head with a smirk, “Just going over the last game, trying to figure out what we can do better next time.”

You paused the video on your laptop, shutting it and looking up to him expectantly. He pulled a chair up next to you, suddenly looking a little nervous.

“I know that look, Ted. What’s wrong?”

He shook his head, plastering on a smile. “Nothing.”

“You wouldn’t have come interrupting me unless you had something you wanted to talk about.”

His face dropped, nodding slowly. “I’m getting kind of sick of you reading me like a book, sweetheart.”

“No, you’re not.”

He chuckled, looking back at you. “Okay, guilty. Uh, I’m not sure how to address this, so I guess I better just come out and say it, huh?”

You nodded back at him, silent, but with a reassuring smile.

He clapped once. “So, uh, nobody really knows about this, but I’ve been dealing with some anxiety lately. I, uh— I don’t really want anyone knowing about it, so if you could…”

“I’ll be quiet as a mouse in a trap.”

He raised a brow. “Morbid.”

“My colloquialisms can’t be as silly and polished as yours, friend.”

He smiled. “Guess not. Don’t really have room in my head for ‘em right now, though.”

You shrugged. “That’s okay. I like you whether or not you’re acting like a landscaper’s favorite machine.”

He paused for a moment, trying to put the pieces together. Then, his face lit up.

“Chipper?”

You simply pointed at him with a wink.

“Nice,” he said with a smile. He looked back down to his hands, smile melting. “So, um, I guess I just wanted you to know. That was the reason I had to leave the game, actually. It wasn’t food poisoning, but it just seems easier to let people believe that, you know? But, anyway. You seem to be good with these kinds of things, and I just… I don’t know.”

“Sometimes it’s nice just to tell someone, yeah?”

He nodded with a small grin. “Rebecca’s seen it happen once, but I think that’s about it. I made an appointment to speak with the doc, but I just couldn’t.”

“Why not?”

He shrugged, head shaking. “It’s bull.”

“Ted, you remember what you told me when I talked to you about my issues with trust?”

He raised a brow. “I told you nobody good would hurt you like…”

“You told me that all people are different people. You’ve said it a few times around me, I know you’ve told other people the same. And you know what?”

“What?” His brows sat raised.

“You need to start taking your own advice.”

“I don’t like when you do that.”

“Do what?” You laughed.

He chuckled with you. “When you’re right. I’m not supposed to be a quitter, either.”

“Not for the good things, anyway, huh?”

He nodded. “Thank you.”

He started standing, but you stood with him before he could go anywhere.

“Hey, there’s something I want you to know, too.”

“Shoot,” he said, gesturing for you to continue.

“I deal with anxiety, too. A lot, actually.”

He furrowed his brow. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Didn’t want you to worry.”

“Well, now I am.”

“Don’t. I can cope, I just— I want you to know you’re not alone in this, okay? I get panic attacks, anxiety attacks, I deal with more minor symptoms pretty much every day. And you know what? It doesn’t make me any less of a person. Doesn’t make you, either.”

You saw the tears that began to prick his eyes, but decided to leave that situation alone. Instead, you pulled him in for a hug. He hugged back hard, burying his face in the crook of your neck. You heard him take a few shaky breaths before he pulled back, wiping at his eyes.

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t ever apologize for vulnerability. Least not to me, cause I know exactly how you’re feeling and it’s okay. I promise,” you reached for his hand, giving it a squeeze.

He smiled at you, trying to hold back from letting any more tears fall.

“Thank you.”

“It’s nothing, Ted. I do want you to try going back to doctor Sharon, though. She’s a good woman.”

He nodded, glancing at where your hand still held his own. He squeezed it again, then left you to get back to your work. You sat for a while, unable to focus on anything but what he’d told you. You hoped like hell he had really listened to you.

It wasn’t until the next day that you’d found he’d both listened to and simultaneously completely ignored you. You were walking down the hall from the office when you saw him.

“Hey,” you called out to him, both hands on his chest to stop him from moving when you got close enough. “Your appointment is supposed to be right now. What happened to—”

“I can’t do it.”

He grabbed one of your wrists, trying to move you. You refused to budge.

“No. Uh-uh. Why did you leave?”

“I’m not talking to someone who’s only there cause she’s paid.”

You raised a brow. “Excuse me, Lasso. Are you not getting paid to do your job?”

He huffed out a sigh.

“Don’t you get attitude with me,” you dropped your hands, but didn’t move from where you stood. “I gotta go, but you’re trying again tomorrow, you hear me?”

“Y/N—”

“You’re going. Non-negotiable.”

He dropped his shoulders. “Fine. I’ll try.”

You nodded once, a smile of victory on your face. “And by the way, I think Keeley’s smoking in the boot room. Might wanna see what that’s about, yeah?”

He tilted his head, a chuckle leaving him. You patted him on the shoulder as you passed to leave the building.

Your day from then on was a long one. You were running around with Beard for part of it, trying to work on strategy for the upcoming game against Man City. The whole Richmond team was on edge, and you were beginning to worry that the nervousness alone might end up being the end-all to the game. You were a firm believer that winning had as much to do with the power of the mind as the power of the body. If they were going in thinking they were going to lose— lose they would.

“That’s a little dramatic,” Beard said over his beer.

You rolled your eyes, sipping at your drink.

“It’s not. Same line of thinking as Ted’s ‘Believe’ sign. I’m just being a little more explicit about what I mean when I say it.”

He chuckled. “You two are more alike than I think you even realize, you know?”

“I think I realize.”

“Do you?”

You shrugged, nodding slightly.

“Both crazy about this team, and even more crazy about you,” you teased, flicking at the brim of his hat.

He hid a smile behind his glass. “Your never-ending optimism and knack for flattery is also pretty similar.”

You hummed in agreement. “Can’t argue with ya, there.”

“So, what do you think we should do, then?”

You shrugged. “Find some way to cheer up the team. Get them excited for the game rather than scared of losing.”

He nodded, brows raised. “Any way of implementing that?”

“I’ll figure it out, I’m sure.” You leaned back. “Remember that game against Kansas State? Our boys were so freaked about it all, then Ted did his thing and got them so excited to play…”

“Beat their asses.”

“Yeah, we did.”

You both went in for a quick high five before continuing.

“Remember how he did it?”

“Told ‘em they needed to loosen up. We had a dance party and ordered pizza.”

You smiled. “Yep. What do you say we make something like that happen again? Day before we travel, let’s do it.”

He smirked, a brow raised. “Sounds perfect. You gonna tell Ted?”

You shrugged. “I think he could use the surprise just as much as the players.”

He narrowed his eyes at you.

You put your hands up. “What’s that look about?”

He just shook his head silently.

“I’m not treating him any different.”

He raised a brow, sipping at his drink again.

“Ted’s been going through it lately, I just think he needs a little cheer up. Nothing else.”

He set down his drink, then sat up straight, eyes still trained on you.

“Quit lecturing me, Beard,” you chuckled. “I know you always think I have some thing for him, but why can’t it just be that I care about people, huh?”

“I see through it.”

You paused for a moment. “I hate that.”

He smirked, and you both finished eating.

You went home yourself, denying a walk-back from Beard. You appreciated the gesture, but the air was beginning to feel thick and suffocating. The last thing you wanted was for him to see you like that.

As much as you tried pretending like the state of the team wasn’t affecting you, you knew that trying to be the fixer for this situation was weighing on you. More than you thought it would.

You tried swallowing, feeling your throat pretending to swell just to spite you. You rushed even faster towards your flat, feeling that the oncoming attack wasn’t going to be so routine.

As soon as you were in your door, your knees hit the floor, head between your arms on the carpet. You tried to control your breathing, but it was no use. Tears fell, though you’d hardly noticed as you’d refused to open your eyes. The bleariness you were bound to find if you opened them would only make the situation worse. You began to worry about passing out if you couldn’t control your breathing, and decided to roll yourself onto your side, whole body pushing through tremors you hadn’t felt in a few months, at least.

The ringing of your phone didn’t aid your situation. You desperately hoped it wasn’t an emergency, because there was no way you’d be able to make it over to where you’d dropped your purse. But, it kept ringing. Four separate calls over the span of probably half an hour.

It was another good half an hour after the calls had stopped before you were composed enough to open your eyes, and pull yourself into a sitting position on the ground. Though, you wouldn’t have known. Time never seemed to make any sense in those situations.

You worked on breathing in and out slowly, wiping away at any remaining tears. The shaking hadn’t yet ceased, but at least that was manageable. Right as you started trying to stand, you heard the loud buzzing of someone asking to be let in. You made it over, asking who was there.

“It’s me. Are you okay?” Ted’s voice came through.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Hang on,” you said, letting him in.

It wasn’t long before a knock was at the door, and you wished he wasn’t so quick. No amount of post-panic-primping in a fifteen-second slot could make you look presentable enough to get past him. You opened the door, putting on a smile and hoping he would be too preoccupied with something else to look directly at you for too long.

His face dropped the second he saw you, of course.

“What’s wrong?”

You shook your head. “I’m okay.”

He walked in, leaving you to close the door and follow him.

“No way, McConaughey. You can’t hide tears from me, I got eagle eyes for that sort of thing.”

You crossed your arms. “I’ve just had a long night.”

He watched you for a moment, picking up on the fact that you wouldn’t be sharing any time soon. He nodded slowly.

“Okay, that’s fine. If you don’t want to talk right now, that’s okay,” he smiled softly, then wrapped you in a tight hug.

You welcomed it, arms wrapping around his middle, head buried in his chest.

“You were honest with me,” you started after a moment, “so, I guess I should be with you. I just came down from a pretty bad panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, hardly made it home… I just—”

“It’s okay,” he said, rubbing your back as he spoke. “We don’t have to talk about details. Thank you for telling me.”

You nodded. “Thank you for coming.”

“You always answer when I call. I knew something had to be up.”

“What if I was just in the shower?”

“You still always call me back right away. I had over an hour of radio silence from you.”

You chuckled. “I didn’t know you had it down to such a science.”

He laughed back, pulling away from you just enough to see your face.

“There she is,” he said, a smile on his face.

“And she is a mess.”

“We all get a little messy sometimes, though, don’t we?”

You nodded. “Gotta agree with that.”

He looked at you for a moment or two with a soft smile on his face, and as much as you didn’t want to admit it, especially since Beard was also on your ass about it, that was the moment you knew. You felt your heart rate pick up, and didn’t know what to do but escape. You stepped back, leaving him looking a little confused.

“I think I need some sleep, Ted.”

His eyes were wide, looking at you. “You sure you’re okay?”

“I’ll be fine. I just need time alone, now. I need rest.”

“Okay, yeah,” he nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Uh, alright, well I will see you tomorrow bright and early, right?”

You nodded, giving him a quick smile.

“Anything else I can do for you?”

You shook your head. “No. I’m okay.”

He nodded again, watching you with those big, worried eyes. You wished he would stop with that. He waved a quick goodbye, leaving you alone.

You settled into bed, though you were unable to sleep. You couldn’t stop thinking about the team. Or Ted. Or the fact that you couldn’t help but self-sabotage any chance you got. You wiped away a few stray tears, and closed your eyes, hoping sleep would take over soon.

You woke up from a couple hours of sleep to a text. Of course, from Ted.

- Excited to see you today for coaches meeting :) I’m proud of you

You sighed, setting your phone down next to you. The guy didn’t seem to have a single mean bone in his body, and here you were wallowing in the fact that you couldn’t help but feel like you brought down everyone around you. As much as you tried to remain positive in every situation, you knew your mood affected the people around you whenever you were a little down in the dumps. You got up, hoping you could at least try to disguise it as well as possible for the day. At least for the morning.

You stopped to get coffee on the way in, delivering each drink with a smile. You sat next to Ted to watch the tapes, giving him the most convincing smile you could.

“You seem better today,” he said quietly, a smile on his face.

You nodded. “Yeah.”

The next few days you were preoccupied with setting up the party for the team, and luckily it kept you busy enough to not fall back into the hole you’d had to crawl out of. If there was one thing you were proud of, it was your ability to pull yourself out of the hardest places. Maybe it wasn’t always through the best methods, but you figured that doing what you needed to was working just fine. If it ain’t broke, after all.

“Howdy, howdy!” Ted chimed, walking in.

You shut your laptop quickly, still taking pride in the fact that you were successfully keeping the event from him.

He quirked a brow, nodding towards your laptop. “What’s that about?”

“Nothing you need to worry about right now. What’s up?”

He rubbed his hands together, leaning against your desk with a cheesy grin.

“Guess.”

“You got another jar of barbecue sauce?”

He laughed. “Yes, actually, but that’s not what this is all about, buttercup. It’s about you.”

You furrowed your brow. “What?”

“Well, kinda,” he said with a light chuckle. “I’ve been seeing the doc a lot more frequently, now.”

You lit up. “Oh, I’m so proud of you!”

“You’ll be even more proud in a second. Get this, she actually said that she’s glad me and you are friends.”

You crinkled your nose, laughing. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I told her about all of your help over the past few sessions, and she told me to tell you, little lady, that I am lucky to have you.”

He nudged your shoulder as he ended the sentence, and you hoped he wouldn’t notice how you tried hiding a smile.

You felt heat rise to your cheeks as he finished out by saying, “I gotta say, I agree with her.”

“In that case, you’re welcome.”

He smiled again, hopping up to sit on your desk. “So, what are you up to?”

“You’ll find out later. Later today, actually.”

He raised his brows. “Oh yeah?”

You nodded, “Mhm. I really think you’re gonna love it, too.”

He gasped, “Did you get me those funky shoes from Gucci I showed you the other day?”

“What?” You scrunched up your face. “No, of course not. Those things were horrible.”

He paused, as if to say something, before raising his brows and nodding in agreement.

“Okay, so what is it?”

“Wouldn’t be much of a surprise if I told you, would it?”

He dropped his shoulders. “Aw, come on. Telling me you have a surprise and not saying what it is… That’s worse than telling your dog you’re going on a walk then leaving him home.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“You’re right, that’s just evil. But you know I like to know things.”

You reached over, patting his knee. “I know, but I think you can survive til after practice.”

“Training,” he corrected.

“Ted, we’re both American. You don’t need to adjust your language with me.”

“See, that’s why I love talking to you,” he laughed, poking at your shoulder.

You shook your head, “Okay, now get out of here so I can finish up.”

“I’ll see you at practice, huh?” He raised an eyebrow, looking a little too pleased with himself for switching up his terminology.

You laughed. “See you there, coach.”

Beard walked in a while later, looking at you expectantly.

“Yes, I’m almost ready. Pizza will be here about ten minutes before we’re done, so I’ll excuse myself a little early, and I’ve got Keeley and Higgins doing some decorating in the locker room while we’re out.”

“You know my favorite thing about you?” He asked as he sat down in his seat.

“Fact that you don’t have to actually say anything to talk to me?”

He smirked, nodding. “Exactly.”

You both laughed, then sat back and waited for the boys to make it to the locker room. Ted came in, a big smile on his face as he did.

“Hey, there are two of my favorite people on this whole planet!”

“Still not telling you,” you said, giving a glance at Beard.

He only shook his head, going back to his book.

“Hey!” Ted exclaimed, pointing to Beard. “You know, too?”

“Know what?” Nate asked as he walked in.

You kept talking, “Keeley and Higgins, too. Oh, and Rebecca, actually, but she can’t be a part of it today.”

Ted glared at you as he went to his desk chair, Roy coming in behind him as he did.

“You talking about what Keeley told me she can’t tell me about?”

“Yep,” you responded, leaning back in your seat.

He grunted in response, arms crossing over his chest. You all worked on the game plan for ‘training’, then headed out with the team to get started on the last home practice before the big game. You knew nerves were high the whole time, and were all the more focused on making sure your little pizza party was a relief for everyone. You excused yourself to bring in the pizzas with your two accomplices, and then waited outside the door until the team came barging in. You heard shouts of approval from them all as they saw the decor and food, smiling as the work you’d done was starting to prove to be a good idea. Beard and Ted wandered in a moment after the last boy was in the locker room, a smile on Ted’s face as he heard them all.

“This the surprise?” He asked as he approached you.

You smiled, nodding. Beard moved past you to enter.

“Remember Kansas State?”

He raised his brows, smile only growing. “You didn’t.”

You nodded once more. “I did.”

He scooped you up in a hug, spinning you around.

“You are the best,” he said, setting you back down with a kiss to your cheek. Luckily, the smile on your face could easily be chalked up to the surprise paying off rather than the show of intimacy from your friend. “Well, come on, let’s shake a leg so I can shake some booty.”

You laughed at that, following behind him into the chaos.

“Hey!” He called out to everyone. “Y’all say thank you to Y/N for all this.”

A chorus of ‘thank you’s erupted, and you laughed as Ted pulled you into his side.

“Couldn’t have done it without Keeley and Higgins, y’all. They did all the decorating, I just recycled an old idea of coach, here.”

The team chuckled, then went back to celebrating as the music started.

He looked to you, eyes narrowed. “You’re being way too modest. This happened cause you put your heart and soul into this team.”

“I learned from the best, Lasso.”

He looked at you quietly, a small smile on his face, then shook his head. He pulled you into the small crowd, and you all spent the next couple hours letting loose before you had to check in with reality again.

The party seemed to have helped. Morale was up as you prepared for the game, and at minimum you knew that even if you still lost, they likely wouldn’t take it quite as hard. That helped your conscience, if anything.

One more thing that took a weight off of your shoulders was what happened before the game even started. Ted told the other coaches about his struggles with anxiety before the game. He came clean about it all, and you knew he felt good about finally letting it go to them. As the others started walking out, you held him back, making sure he knew just how proud of him you were.

“I wish I had your confidence.”

He patted your back. “But, you also love your privacy. That’s okay, you know? You also do a much better job holding it down than I do when it comes to this type of thing.”

You swallowed. “I’m not so sure about that. I know how to cope the best way I can, but I think it’s much more brave that you decided to open up to them about this.”

“Hey, don’t be hard on yourself about this,” he said, a hand on your shoulder. “Besides, I’m only doing okay right now cause I’m seeing the doc so often.”

“You saying I need to see someone about this?”

He shook his head. “No. You helped me realize that, for me, going to see her was what I needed. I hope in some way I can help you realize that you should do whatever is best for you. We’re all different people with different experiences, right?”

“Right. Thanks, Ted.”

You sighed. Leaning into his side for a moment, then broke away, clapping once.

“Okay, now let’s go win this.”

The game was lost, but everyone moved past it. You knew most of that was because of Ted and his affection for the goldfish attitude, though he tried like anything to convince you they wouldn’t be feeling so okay if it wasn’t for the little morale boost you’d given everyone before it all started.

He’d also inadvertently managed to convince you to see Dr. Fieldstone.

You knocked on her door, and she looked up from her seat to see you staring at her with a smile from the doorway.

“Come on in, coach,” she said, gesturing at the chair in front of her.

You nodded, looking around the room as you sat. You noted the little bird next to you, tapping it just enough to get it going.

“I like your decorations,” you said with a smile, then looked back at her. “Also, please call me Y/N. I hardly let the boys get away with calling me coach outside of games.”

She smiled. “I see.”

“So, uh, it’s good to finally talk with you. I know we’ve seen one another in passing a few times, but I’ve been exceptionally busy lately or else I would have come and given a proper hello. I really appreciate all of the work you’ve been doing with the team. You seem like a very kind, compassionate woman. I’m happy to have you here, honestly.”

She just watched as you talked, a light grin on her face as you did, though most of the humor rested in her eyes.

You paused for just a moment, though when she didn’t speak up, you took it as an invitation to keep going.

“Uh, so, I’m not really sure how this goes. I’ve only been to see a therapist once before and it didn’t go great. Though, I promise I won’t hold it against you. I’ve just learned how to cope on my own after that experience, but Ted kind of convinced me to try to find what would work best for me moving forward, and I thought—”

“I see why you two are so close,” she chuckled. “I feel as though I know you already.”

Your brows raised. “Really? How so?”

“Well, between how talkative you’ve become now that you’re nervous, and the fact that I’ve heard quite a lot about you in general, I’d say I have an idea of who you are.”

You let out a quick laugh. “Gosh, I’m sorry. I get kind of chatterbox-y when I talk to someone new.”

“Or when you get nervous, yeah?”

You nodded slowly, looking down for a moment. “Yeah. That, too. Guess it kinda goes hand-in-hand with some of my anxiety business, huh?”

She shrugged, though gave you a look that implied she’d agreed with your statement. You smirked, as did she.

“You said you’ve seen a therapist once before?”

You nodded. “Yes, but it didn’t seem to help. They hardly listened to me, and then told me that maybe exercising and breathing exercises would help. Gave me that advice four sessions in a row without really ever caring to know why I was dealing with panic and anxiety and everything else.”

She raised a brow. “I’m sorry you had to experience that. Now, I know you might not be able to trust me—”

“Oh, no. I totally trust you, Doc. I’ve seen how great you’ve been with the team, and I learned from a good friend a long time ago that everyone has a different story. You don’t deserve to be compared like that.”

Her brows really shot up with that being said. She nodded slowly, writing something down as she did.

“Well, thank you for that. That was kind of you to say.”

You smiled at her. “I appreciate you. Really.”

“This need to reassure the people around you, do you think that might have anything to do with what you’re struggling with?”

Your eyes widened, almost shocked at the statement. You understood now how she’d made so much progress with Ted. You continued talking about what you needed to, but the session was coming to a close quickly.

“Uh, one more thing, doc?”

“Yes, Y/N?”

“Thanks for what you said about me to Ted.”

She quirked a brow. “And what was that?”

“You told him I was good for him.”

“You are,” she said, nodding. “I think the both of you need to be reminded that you don’t always have to turn on the personality for someone to love you. I think you do that well. Both of you.”

You chuckled. “You… Are one wise woman, Dr. Sharon.”

She laughed. “I am pretty great at my job.”

“Well, thank you again,” you said, starting to walk towards the door.

“Y/N,” she called out, and you turned. “Try to remember that the whole world isn’t on your shoulders, yeah? You believe everyone deserves to know love and comfort, but you are one of those people, too.”

You nodded, taking in a deep breath, then said your goodbyes. You pulled out your phone as you left her office. Being the last appointment for the day, you knew most people had already gone home, but you felt like getting some food. You dialed Ted’s number and waited expectantly, heading towards the door.

He answered, but didn’t speak.

You furrowed your brow, exiting the building.

“Ted?” You asked, waiting for a reply.

His voice came through, shaky and nervous-sounding. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Whoa, hold on, what’s up with you?”

“I— I’m kind of…” he trailed off, taking in a hard breath.

“Are you at home?”

You started walking more quickly, heading towards his flat.

“Yeah.”

“I’m coming to you, okay?”

You heard a sniffle on the other end, and a weak ‘okay’ in response. You hung up, and practically ran the rest of the way there. He buzzed you in, and you were up the stairs, bursting into his apartment in no time. He was sitting on his couch in his undershirt and khakis, clearly having been in the middle of undressing when he got hit with whatever ailed him.

You rushed over to the couch, standing next to him. He looked up at you, still crying.

“Do you want to talk about it?” You asked softly, reaching over to touch his arm.

He shook his head. “Not yet.”

“Can I hug you?”

He nodded quickly, standing up and clinging to you like a child. You held him, hands rubbing up and down his back as he cried, head shaking every so often, disagreeing with the thoughts in his own head.

“I can’t even…” he trailed, mumbling against your shoulder.

“What is it, hun?” You asked, still trying to calm him as much as possible.

“Am I a shitty dad? I don’t—”

“No, no. Of course you aren’t.”

“I can’t even pick up my son from a sleepover. He had a nightmare and wanted to go home and I couldn’t be there for him,” he turned his head, cheek against your shoulder now.

You reached up to run your nails through his hair. “You’re like the best dad I could think of. Even thousands of miles apart, you spend more time talking to your kid than I ever got with my dad in the same house. He knows you love him.”

“I quit on his mom. I’m not supposed to be a quitter.”

“You didn’t quit. You didn’t forfeit. Game time was up, the match was over. Nothing you could do at that point, Ted.”

He sniffled, then nodded. “You really think so?”

“You were both fighting so long for something that only hurt the both of you. It was coming to an end naturally. You just finally had the strength to let it end, even though it was hard.”

He nodded again, and fell silent for a few minutes, still holding on to you for dear life.

“Ted?” You asked.

He hummed in question.

“Can I get you some water? I don’t want you to get dehydrated.”

“Yeah,” he said, then let you go, sitting back on the couch.

You filled up a glass from the tap, handing it to him and kneeling in front of him. He drank some, then handed the glass back to you to set down on the coffee table.

“Good, thank you for drinking some,” you smiled.

He laughed humorlessly. “I’m a child.”

“You just need to be cared for a little bit right now. I know stuff like this is all new to you still, I don’t think being comforted and coddled a little is gonna hurt all that much.”

He smirked. “I guess not. Thank you. For coming here.”

You stood, going to sit next to him.

“It’s nothing. You’d do the same for me. Heck, you kind of have already, you just didn’t have to witness the crying part.”

He chuckled. “That’s… Embarrassing. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not embarrassing at all,” you said, then leaned back into the cushions. “You feel like food?”

“I don’t know if going out right now—”

“I was going to order in. Thought we could watch tv or a movie or something and hang out for a while.”

He looked to you with a soft smile, nodding.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

The next day, you woke up feeling better than you had in a while. You felt well rested, and even went to pick up coffee for everyone despite it not being a film-watching day. You made your way to the office, though you found it much more somber than you were expecting.

“Whoa,” you started as everyone watched you walk in with the tray of drinks. “Who died?”

Apparently that was a poorly timed question.

You showed up at the funeral, heading right to Rebecca for a hug.

“Hi, love,” you said, squeezing her a little tighter than normal. “You okay?”

She nodded. “I’m alright.”

You pulled back, giving her a smile. “For what it’s worth, you look hot.”

She laughed, “Charming as always, my friend.”

“It’s what I do best.”

You heard the squeal of Keeley before you saw her.

“You look gorgeous!” She said as she hugged you.

“Babe, it’s a funeral.”

“Still look hot,” she said with a grin before moving on to Rebecca.

You gave a quick hello to Roy.

“She’s… Weird about funerals.”

You nodded. “Right. Well, I’ll be back. Ted was supposed to be here before me and isn’t picking up his phone now.”

Roy furrowed his brow. “Really? I’m shocked you didn’t come together.”

You tilted your head. “Why would we?”

“You realize how fuckin’ obvious you are?”

Your face dropped. “Nothing’s happening, Roy.”

He grunted with a shake of his head, and you headed off away from people to try giving Ted another call.

Still no answer.

When it hit his answering machine, you decided to leave it and send a text instead.

- hey, are you okay? i’m at the funeral now. if you show up, i’ll be in the back row waiting for you. if not, i’m coming to you as soon as we’re out of here

You shoved your phone back into your purse, making sure to leave it on vibrate in case he called back. Getting through the day was already hard, and you knew your anxiety was likely going to be more of a when-than-if kind of situation. It only built with the fact that Ted wasn’t getting back to you. You felt like everything was dragging on forever, and it wasn’t until Rebecca was struggling to find the right words in her eulogy that he came in. He sat next to you, squeezing your knee lightly to reassure you as he did, and you gave him a soft smile. Something was off, but even then he had the ability to comfort Rebecca all the way from the back row, continuing to sing the song she’d begun. And, of course, everyone else couldn’t help but join in.

You walked with him to the repast, and took that as an opportunity to ask him about what was going on.

“Ted?”

“Yeah?”

You fell quiet for a moment, unsure of where to start. He started for you.

“If you’re wondering, it was anxiety again. I’m sorry I didn’t respond…”

“Did you at least reach out to Dr. Sharon?”

“Yes.”

You smiled at him. “Okay, I’m glad. Proud of you.”

He smirked, then looked around the neighborhood for a moment.

“Uh, we talked about my dad.”

Your eyes widened. He’d hardly ever talked to you about what happened because he could never get through without crying.

“Wow. Are you okay? I know that’s always really hard for you…”

“She helped me see the good in him again, you know? I was always so angry with him for leaving us, but he did more than leave us. He was…” He trailed off with a shaky breath. You reached over, taking his hand, and he held onto yours firmly. “He was a great dad. She helped me remember that.”

“I’m happy you could talk to her about it, Ted. Seriously.”

He nodded, one hand going up to wipe at his eyes. “I guess it just hit me thinking about today…”

“I know. I’ve been pretty on edge today, too.”

“Are you okay?” He rushed out, looking at you.

You nodded with a smile, “Much better now that I know you are.”

He squeezed your hand, lacing his fingers with yours. You tried to stave off the sick feeling in your stomach telling you to run the other way. You wished you could just enjoy a nice moment with him, but you couldn’t help but feel guilty somehow. He was too good for most people, and you considered yourself one of the ones he was too good for. You let it happen for a few seconds longer before you pulled away, pretending like you needed to check your phone in your purse.

“Get a message?” He asked after a moment.

“Uh, I thought I felt it vibrate. Guess not,” you chuckled a little.

He nodded quietly, shoving hands back in his coat pockets. You walked silently side by side until you reached the house, walking inside and beginning to mingle with some of the other guests there. You felt anxiety building, but tried putting it off. You couldn’t tell why it was getting worse and worse, but it was. Your pulse kept speeding no matter how easy you tried taking it.

But, you knew it was about to get way worse when you were suddenly being pulled away from Ted by Beard as a woman approached him. He watched after you with eyes wide for a moment before he turned to her, and you furrowed your brow at Beard when he deposited you in a different room.

“The hell was that about?” You snapped.

Immediately, you knew you needed to get away. It was hard enough feeling anxious, but the last thing you wanted was for your feelings to manifest as anger. But, manifest they did.

“You said you didn’t feel anything for him like that,” he said, testing you.

You scoffed. “Now is not the time, Beard. Who was that, anyways?”

“Remember the name, ‘Sassy’?”

Your stomach dropped, and you could swear the air had just gotten thinner.

“Seriously?”

He shrugged, a little smug. You let out a hard breath, beginning to walk away.

“You said—”

You whipped around. “Cut the shit, Beard. It’s none of your business.”

Eyes fell on you, and the barely contained attack was coming into swing. You started walking towards the back door and into the fresh air, hoping you could contain it all until you could get out of there and go home.

The door opened only a moment later, and you turned to find Beard staring at you.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped like that, I just—”

“You have feelings for him. I know you do.” He shrugged, coming to stand next to you. “What I don’t know is what’s wrong besides that.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re shaking.”

You looked down to see your hands shaking hard as you grasped your arms.

“I—,” you felt tears prick your eyes, and looked away. “I can’t fucking tell him. I’ve known him for years, do you have any clue how shitty it’d be to drop something like that on him? Besides, clearly he’s having fun with…”

You stopped, unable to even say another person’s name.

“The doc told me I self-sabotage, but I don’t think this is that. Is it wrong to want him to be happy? I don’t think I’m the bad guy for that.”

“Nobody said you were.”

“Nobody needs to. I’m a fucking mess. I have no right being upset that he’s happy. I’m a piece of shit,” you whispered at the end, closing your eyes. “I— I need to get out of here. I gotta go, I’m sorry.”

You felt your chest heave, trying to get in air through the invisible smoke that surrounded your head. There was no escaping it, now.

Beard reached out for you, but you already started leaving. He called your name, but you couldn’t handle facing him.

“If anyone asks, please just say I got sick,” you said, back still turned to him.

He sighed, watching as you walked away, holding onto yourself as if you might crumble otherwise. He was worried you actually would, but knew you’d only get more pissed if he tried following you now.

You stumbled along the street, not really sure where you planned on ending up. The closest location was on Nelson Road, so that’s where you found yourself after it all, sinking onto the floor of the office and letting all hell break loose. It was bad enough with how you’d been feeling today, but coupling it all with how ridiculous you felt over being angry that someone else had his attention… That was the thing that nearly pushed you over the edge. Crying and shaking led to dry heaving, dry heaving led to darn near passing out, and that all led to sitting on the ground for who knows how long. You’d always been able to pull yourself out eventually, but you weren’t sure you’d be able to this time.

If people really believed that hope kills, you wished they never had to know what being completely hopeless felt like.

Pretending like you weren’t ever affected by the things that hurt you could only get you so far, and now you were feeling the hard edge of realization that being hit by the things that pained you all at once was so much worse than dealing with it little by little.

Now, a room full of people had seen you crack, too. They all saw through it. The jig was up in a small way that felt huge. Your cover-up act was all you had sometimes, and you couldn’t afford to lose it all because you couldn’t handle seeing Ted with another person, or deal with your emotions before they blew up in your face.

You sobbed, unsure of how you were still awake with how much air escaped you and how little you were taking in. You almost wished you would just pass out for a few hours. Just to escape for a moment.

You heard footsteps fall heavy and quickly down the ball, and it only worsened your panic. The last thing you wanted was for anyone to see you like this, but you couldn’t bring yourself to move. You were cemented to the ground, a crying, shaky mess.

“Oh, thank goodness,” you heard a voice that sounded far away, then felt a pair of arms scoop you up and hold you tightly against them. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

You couldn’t stop yourself this time, and just let yourself cry. Ted tried moving your hands away from your face, but you refused to budge.

“Sweetpea, I need to know you’re okay. Can you breathe with me?”

His voice was more clear now, and you heard a tone in it you almost never did.

“Please,” he whispered, and now you knew why he sounded different.

Tears fell against your bare legs, and they weren’t your own.

“Breathe with me, come on,” he coaxed, and you tried your hardest to obey his request.

Once your breathing calmed, you were able to move your hands, though you refused to look up. He pulled you into his lap from where he sat next to you, hands holding you tighter than they ever had before.

“You really scared me,” he said, quiet.

You took in another breath, face against his neck.

“I’m sorry, you shouldn’t be here.”

“What?” He asked, hands gripping you a little tighter. “What do you mean?”

You shook your head. “I’m a mess. You’re supposed to be out having fun.”

He was quiet for a moment before he spoke.

“Why did you…” He huffed out a breath. “I ran to your apartment. Then all your favorite restaurants. I went down all the streets I thought you might have taken, and finally I ended up here. I didn’t know where else to look.”

“Why were you looking?”

“I asked Beard where you were and he said you got sick. You were already not doing so hot, and I knew that was a lie”

“You have better things to be doing right now, Ted.”

“Nothing is more important than being here right now. Nothing. Do you understand me?”

He was taking a harsher tone with you than you were used to. You took a chance and looked up at him to find him in disarray. His tie and jacket were discarded, and his hair was kind of a mess.

“Don’t ever do that again. Please. At least tell someone where you’re going.”

You nodded, taking in the deep worry lines in his face.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered.

“Don’t apologize for that, I just— I was scared.”

You swallowed. “I’m— I’ll be fine. Why don’t you go see your lady friend now.”

He furrowed his brow. “What?”

“I know Beard pulled us away from you two for a reason, Ted. You deserve to be happy. Please don’t let me get in the way of that.”

He raised his brows. “You’re not in the way of anything.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No. You’re not,” he shook his head. “Do you want to know something?”

You sniffed. “What?”

He stroked your cheek with his thumb, then smiled. “She’s kinda pissed at me anyway.”

“Why?”

He took a moment to lean back against the wall, readjusting you in his lap and wrapping his arms around you so that you wouldn’t be able to scoot away. He chewed at his lip for a moment, then looked at you. You stared back, eyes wide, and mascara running all down your face. He couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight.

Hard as you tried not to, you laughed with him.

“What?”

“Your makeup ran harder than anyone on the team.”

You tried wiping away at it, but he grabbed your hand.

“Quit that.”

“Why?”

He shrugged. “It’s kinda cute.”

“Me having a panic attack is cute?”

His eyes nearly bugged out of his head, but stopped when you laughed.

“I’m kidding. Sorry, I couldn’t help it.”

He let out a breath. “Man, I haven’t been that scared since my mom looked in the shoebox under my bed when I was seventeen.”

You smiled, shaking your head. “You didn’t answer me.”

“What?”

“I asked why she was mad at you.”

He nodded slowly, chewing at his bottom lip.

“Uh, well, when I asked Beard where you were and he said you were sick, she was in the middle of trying to get me to go to her hotel room.”

You felt your stomach sink again, looking away in hopes he wouldn’t catch the shift in your demeanor.

He continued, “I told her I had something more important to do. She didn’t like that a whole lot.”

“You did?”

“Yep.”

You swallowed hard. “So, it is my fault.”

He huffed out a sigh. “Can you quit that? I turned down sex to come sit on the ground with you, and you know what? In any case I would always rather be here with you. Panic attack or not. You could literally just ask me to sit on the ground with you and I would always say yes.”

“Well, that’s just dumb.”

He pulled your head towards his chest, resting his chin on the top of your head.

“You always see right through me like I’m a dang department store window. Now, of all times, is when you decide to just… Not get it.”

You played with the buttons of his dress shirt and quirked a brow.

“What the heck are you talking about?”

“You know, I thought you might get it all the times I asked you to come get dinner or coffee with me. Or maybe every time I come bother you and stick around way longer than I normally would with anyone else— and that’s saying something. I was really hoping you’d get it when we were holding hands on our walk today, but of course not.”

He laughed, pressing a quick kiss to the top of your head before he pulled back to look at you. You watched him with wide eyes, questioning his intentions and hoping you weren’t somehow still misreading this.

“You gonna make me say it?” He asked with a smile.

“I’d prefer if you did.”

He laughed, shaking his head. He then looked up at the ceiling, trying to search for the right words to say. They must have come to him, because he looked back to you, and simply stared for a minute before he finally started talking.

“You’re one of the kindest people I know. Like, Mr. Rogers reincarnated. You always know how to cheer me up. You always know how to help me, and everyone else in your life, somehow. I think you’re incredible. I think you are so funny and so talented and crazy smart. I even think you’re stupidly gorgeous when you’ve got makeup running all over your cheeks,” he said with a laugh, then continued when he got reassurance from your smiling face. “I’ve been scared to get close to anyone since… Since the divorce. You made it so easy, though. I’ve known you forever, but now— I guess I just realized a few months ago that nobody’s ever been there for me like you. You never tell me I’m too much. You never expect me to be… I don’t know. You don’t ever expect me to be on all the time. I can just be me, good or bad, and you still treat me the same.”

You watched him with a rapidly beating heart. Though, this time, it wasn’t telling you to run. It wanted nothing more than for you to stay right where you were.

“That’s something the Doc told me. That we’re good for each other because of that,” you said quietly.

He nodded. “I know, and she’s right. She helped me realize I had feelings for you. Real feelings.”

You bit your lip, then grinned. “Are you gonna crack a joke any time soon? Because all of this serious from you is becoming a little scary.”

His face lit up, and he laughed. You smiled with him, leaning into him for a hug. He held you close, taking in several deep breaths and enjoying the moment, then kissed your cheek as he pulled back again.

“Uh, so… Is this just gonna be me confessing and you get to sit there and tell me to do a crap ton of Hail Mary’s?”

You smiled. “There’s my Ted.”

His brows raised. “Your Ted, huh?”

You laughed, wiggling out of his grip. He let you, and you stood up, reaching for him. He stood with you, not letting go of your hands.

“You’re not going to let go of my hand to check a nonexistent message again, right?”

You smiled, looking down. “You caught that?”

“I can read you almost as well as you can read me. I knew something was up.”

You shook your head, walking into him and wrapping him in a hug again.

“I see things are a little better now,” Beard said, leaning against the doorframe of the office.

You let go of Ted, turning towards Beard.

“Hey. I’m sorry about—”

He held up a hand. “Don’t be. I was kind of being an ass anyways.”

You gave him a tight lipped smile, nodding a little.

“You two figure out… All that business?” He asked, pointing between the two of you.

Ted smiled, “Yeah, we did.”

“Good.”

He waved and left with that, the two of you alone once more.

Ted grabbed your hand, lacing his fingers with yours.

“Let’s go home and maybe… Clean up. We kind of look crazy,” he smiled.

“Can we head to mine first? I want to get out of this dress.”

“Why don’t we just go to mine?”

He raised his brows in question, and you couldn’t help but smile. Now at least you didn’t have to pretend you didn’t think he was adorable.

“I need clothes.”

He quirked a brow. “I think you’d look awfully cute in my clothes.”

You laughed, “Okay, fair enough.”

“Ready to go home, then, sweetpea?”

“Of course.”

[jaeminlovesboomboomtime]

Enhypen reaction to you sleeping on the couch

PAIRING: enha x reader

GENRE: fluff

WARNING: n/a

Heeseung

hmm with this man idkkk i’m getting mixed feelings tbh

like he would be worried but he���d also find it funny/amusing

if he was worried he’d be all like: 😦😦

worried about your well-being and approach you gently to ensure you're okay. he MIGHT check your breathing, cover you with a blanket, or wake you up if he think it's needed and all.

buttt if he found it funny/amusing he’d: 🤪🤪

find it cute or funny that you fell asleep on the couch, might take a lighthearted approach. he would take pictures, gently tease you, or share the moment with his members to make fun of you LMAOOOO

Jay

Jay would be like hee but more like worried instead of finding it amusing.

Jay is literally showing genuine concern for your well being

he would approach you gently and look at your state to make sure there isn't any serious issue causing you to fall asleep on the couch unexpectedly.

he will want to ensure that you're comfortable, not in any physical or emotional distress, and that there isn't anything he can do to help.

he’s so sweet omg wife him up frfr

make sure to give him lots of hugs and kisses when you wake up ❤️😭👍

Jake

his reaction might be lighthearted and playful honestly bc it’s jake 😛

he will most definitely tease you in a friendly manner or make a ‘funny’ comment about the situation

"haha, look who decided to take a nap on the couch! you must have been really tired! did you forget we have beds for that? next time, I'll make sure to bring you a cozy pillow and a 'Do Not Disturb' sign!" he would say whispering while almost pissing himself 😭

he WILL use playful sarcasm or exaggeration to make light of the situation

he will be sleeping on the couch next fr omg

Sunghoon

since sunghoon is a chill person, his reaction to you falling asleep on the couch might be relaxed and nonchalant

walks by and notices you sleeping "ah, you found a cozy spot on the couch. enjoy your nap, babe.” and kisses the top of your head

hoon acknowledges your presence and your choice to sleep on the couch but doesn't make a big deal out of it.

hoon will assume that you needed rest and respects your decision to relax in that manner.

Sunoo

for sunoo, i kinda see him being the same as jay tbh

his reaction would be one of genuine concern

he might want to make sure you're okay and address any potential issues that are causing you to fall asleep on the couch

sunoo is expressing his worry and care for your well being. he wants to understand why you fell asleep on the couch instead of your usual sleeping area and if there might be any underlying reasons or issues

he offers his assistance if you needed, indicating that he's willing to provide support or help alleviate any concerns you could have.

Jungwon

his reaction might combine a mix of concern and lightheartedness

he acknowledges your choice to sleep on the couch but expresses a mild concern about your well being yk?

his amusement is evident in his playful comment about finding the comfiest spot

however, he also emphasizes that he wants to ensure your comfort and offers his assistance if you prefer a different sleeping arrangement

jungwon's reaction combines a teasing tone with genuine care, striking a balance between amusement and concern for your welfare.

Niki

his reaction would likely be one of amusement and humor bc he find everything funny 😭

he will most DEFINITELY tease you and make playful remarks about the situation.

Laughs heartily "Oh my gosh, look at you! The couch claimed another victim! You must have been so exhausted that you couldn't even make it to your bed! Don't worry, I took a hilarious picture for future blackmail material!" he would whisper

he is clearly finding immense amusement in your unexpected choice of the couch as a sleeping spot 🙄

his intention is to bring lightheartedness and laughter to the situation without any harm or offense

here is another reaction for y’all! i didn’t think you guys would eat up my last reaction so i decided to make another. love y’all and stay safe!! ❤️❤️

[thewritetofreespeech]

I deal with a lot of chronic health issues and am in pain 24/7 bc of it. So can we have a Gojo x reader who deals with similar problems and how they navigate it. Just fluffy comfort 😭🥺

*I'm sorry you have to go through this. I know it can be a lot. Since I don't know your condition, I based this off one of my friends with chronic pain issues (chiari), but hope this helps make your day better* 

He came home to find them already in bed, alone, cocooned up in blankets with all the lights off, and he knew what was wrong. Still, knowing about it and being able to do anything about it were two different things.

Gojo met [Y/N] several years ago. They had hit it off, and quickly started dating, before they told him all about their condition. He said he understood at the time but really, he had no idea. Much like knowing about something and being able to do anything about it, comprehending and understanding were two different things. Over the years he had gotten a better understanding of what they were going through. Still, he didn’t have to live with it in the same way.

“Hey,” Gojo said quietly as he entered the room. Sensitive to loud noises, or really noises of any kind, aggravating their pain. “Are you doing ok?”

The mound of blankets shook and Gojo had to assume they were shaking their head no. His heart ached for them. He wanted to take their pain away. He was the strongest man in the world, yet he felt so helpless to be unable to do anything for them. But there was one thing he could do.

Crawling into bed and laying on top of the covers, careful not to disturb their nest, Gojo wrapped his arms around them. “It’s ok. I’m here. Let it out.” The blanket mound shook again and he had to assume they were crying. Whether they were tears of pain or just relief in having him there he could never be sure, but he just held them for a while until it calmed down.

In a little while he would get up and make them some food. Trying to get them to eat to keep up their strength. But, for now, this was all he could do for them. All he needed to do at the moment.

[celestie0]

Idk if this is weird to ask but can you tell more about your situationship?😭 I’m curious since it inspired the story idkkk

nooo not weird at all haha, i had plans to share more ab it once i was done w kickoff but i dont really mind sharing a bit now (will literally always take up any chance to talk ab it it’s an impulse i cannot resist)

basically i met this guy like halfway through my freshman year of college at a frat event, it was a bit different from kickoff dynamic in that we started hooking up pretty soon after that, just a casual thing, but then the pandemic hit and so he went back home to live w his grandpa/family in new york (i live in cali) once campus shut down and stuff. obviously we couldn’t hook up anymore LMFAO but we still talked a lot and i think it was during this time of just talking to one another that i really started to catch massive feelings for him :”)

i went through some bad anxiety during covid, struggling a lot w my career and if i still wanted to pursue the things i thought i wanted (i think a lot of college students went through this w the pandooski) but he would always be there for me and would stay on facetime calls w me if i was struggling to study, he’d cheer me up w pics of his tibetan dogs lol, just reallyyy sweet ugh when we were long distance i rly saw a side of him i didn’t before and i think that’s what made me fall for him

i confessed to him first, similar to reader in kickoff, n told him we could do long distance until he moved back here. but then he hit me with the “i’m sorry, i can’t date you, i’ve got commitment issues”. in his case, he had a long-term girlfriend in high school for four years who he also was dating into college (before he met me), but he found out she had been cheating on him for a long time w not just one but multiple of his friends 😭 so..he said he has really bad trust issues, and that he really wanted to try to date me, but he just felt like he couldn’t

i was really hurt, obviously, but i think in hindsight maybe it was a responsible decision on his part to not throw me into a mess of a relationship w him, one he knew he wasn’t ready for. but at the time, i just thought that it was bc i wasn’t good enough to change his mind. anyways, he asked if we could still talk and be friends, and i said sure bc i didn’t really want to lose him. i figured i could just wait for him (and i told him that i would)

yeahhh well the waiting was way more fucking painful than i thought. he flew to cali once to visit me when flights were sort of resuming, which is just fucking insane because you’ll fly to see me but you won’t date me 😭, and i told him that it’d be the last time he ever sees me! and it was :”) maybe it was an impulsive decision by me, but idk. yknow when you get stuck in a limbo for what feels like forever that you make a decision just for the sake of making one (it was such a short amt of time in reality, but it felt like forever) he made a comment to me in our last conversation about how he really wished he didn’t have to be someone i had to wait on to change, and that really fuckin stuck w me lmao i cried so hard the drive home from the airport. i think all the “what-ifs” kinda sunk in at that moment

ch7 of kickoff was basically me trying to get inside the head of the guy from my situationship, and see what it’s like to have fears hold you back from wanting to experience something for yourself, something that could be beautiful if you would just give it a chance. i felt like if i wrote it from that angle, i’d have more understanding of my situationship (i dont have commitment issues myself, tbh i’ve never rlly understood the concept. like, i’ve been fucked over by ppl in my life too but i’m never one to punish the next person for it. dealing w my situationship was really hard because of this, i would get really frustrated, but writing ch7 from gojo’s character’s perspective made situationship guy’s feelings make more sense to me, i think, there was a sense of closure in that)

but anyways, i was in love w him for sure. like, possibly infatuated. there was a time where we got into a big argument about something and i think i legit i cried myself into a fever 💀 it was all so crazy and powerful, the feelings, i’ve been involved w n dated other guys since but of course none of it really compares. idk, i guess there are just some people that can make you feel that way, there’s really no use in understanding why.

this sounds so sappy, lmaoo i swear i truly am “over” him in that i hardly think of him that much anymore, n tbh i don’t think of him specifically all that much while i’m writing kickoff, but there are moments where i can’t help but bring those feelings into the story.

there’s a line in ch8, near the end of the bed scene, where reader has a thought like

“You feel so safe with him, and yet you also feel scared, because you like him so much that you would let him ruin you if he wanted to.”

yeah. that’s basically how i felt about him.

[oh-no-its-bird]

Naruto/Death Note crossover but it's just me zapping Misa into Naruto w the dimension travel beams (and also I stopped reading Death Note after L died bc I got bored)

Deranged hot goth girl fucks with ninjas more at 11

Ok but taking it seriously:

Her Shinigami eyes could actually cause SO many issues for ninja in general. No disguise ever works on her bc she can see your name !! You can not go undercover with this bitch around she'll catch you near instantly!!

Also her being able to see peoples lifespans would fuck so hard there too, what a party trick to pull. I want her to push someone to do some insane shit while going "nah don't worry you won't die for another few months at least so you'll be fine!! :)"

I don't think she came w the death note itself just bc I don't think Misa could prevent someone from taking it from her and it's way too OP to deal with the logistics of what having it just out there in the world would actually mean. Pretty much any naruto character gets it and the story ends in like 3 minutes flat

I know that there are shinigami in Naruto canon, tho I'm not too familiar w the specifics.

Either way, it could be cool if we really got into Misa's relation to them— she can see them with her eyes already, maybe she can sense them too. She's like being drawn to different artifacts and prisons of shinigami, she can sense them from far away and they call to her ooOOoOoo

She ends up freeing that one specific shinigami from the mask or whatevers going on w that. And since she already has the eyes from Rem, instead of going "oh, thanks lmao *kills you*" when freed, they recognize that shes already been claimed by a shinigami and are like "Oh shit, nice contract blondie." and she has an actual opening to talk to them (and maybe get another funky death god contract along the way)

Misa continues to show she has unstoppable, unbeatable shinigami rizz even into the next dimension. They all want her.

(If nothing else, naruto world has PROVEN that if u roll high enough on a charisma stat, you can convince anyone of literally anything, no matter if it was like the driving force of their entire life since they were 5 or whatever. So why shouldn't Misa get to talk shinigami into liking her just by being violently friendly?? No really, why not??)

Shes collecting death contracts like Pokémon cards, causing actual fucking havoc everywhere she goes via unleashing ancient evils for deals for some of their power (thanks Misa!!)

She doesn't know how to fucking fight tho, she's a 2000's goth girl in chunky heels. She's getting by on her insanely high charisma stats, good luck, and the giant shinigami only she can see standing directly behind her with a giant baseball bat waiting for someone to get close enough to hit

Could be cool if her shinigami eyes let her see yokai in general too, and just say there weren't enough back in modern Japan to notice. But there's TONS around now and Misa is making little kissy faces at them trying to be friends

Her eyes keep her safe by marking her as already claimed by a shinigami, also making most yokai reguard her as one of them. That could also maybe be used to get her places she shouldn't be in / have weaknesses a normal guy doesn't

Like, seals designed for yokai work on her too

Her eyes need to be mistaken for sharingan at LEAST once and it must cause as many problems as possible.

It'd be neat if Rem was there too. Maybe Misa collecting all this power from different shinigami is actually in some quest to bring Rem back, via giving her that power she got from the other shinigami. She's like roaming the land in an effort to get as much power as possible to make Rem a new body or smthn.

The rules of how shinigami exist and are allowed to interact with the mortal plane is different than the rules where Misa is from, so there's like tons of wiggle room for creativity n "woahh I didn't know you could do that!!"

Misa herself is such a go with the flow morally grey gal w a very clear potential and allowance for absoloute insanity— I think she'd be super down with joining whoever just happens to be the first person she meets in Naruto world. Like. She bumps into the Akatsuki first? You KNOW she's gonna join in. She happens to land near Konoha first? Hell yeah she's loving the funky ninja village! Military dictatorship? Fine by her!

Shes so undying loyal, no matter how clearly wrong or deranged the object of her affection is. So whoever earns that affection first is gonna keep it p much the whole way through (honestly this world is just lucky she's still hung up on Light, which is why she still has sommee agency here)

I think the most interesting thing to do w her + what parallels her story best would be joining Akatsuki actually. Cmon, a terrorist organization "dedicated to peace" (through murder) she's so there for it, she's asking to pretty please help bc "Light would probably like it <33"

Also the Akatsuki cloak is like the only naruto outfit I can see her really rocking while keeping her signature style. ALSO also, Akatsuki nailpolish code,,,,

[narwhalandchill]

Honestly. thinking back on it (am mega late yes) even though i like. ultimately enjoyed going thru fontaine AQ as an experience in terms of its emotional core and payoff with characters like navia neuvillette n furina having very strong writing and characterization i do think the overall AQ lore and worldbuilding is probably the messiest in the entire game and feels like all of its opportunities and potential was underutilized the most and thats just. Unfortunate

like yes its inazuma thats the most infamous for how shitty and rushed its execution was (and rightly so) and yes it Also had its share of issues with nothingburgers like the whole statue thing going nowhere or how shoddily constructed the entire it-was-all-the-fatui deal was

but i still think it has a stronger ground to stand on like. all aspects of the story if just slightly differently written and centered around better in-lore reasoning and logic. Are internally consistent with the world ya know. and would have produced a good story. like it could be fixed easily. no need for me to go Full Rewrite here but like just to make a point:

a shut-in deity paranoid and trauma-stricken is ignorant to her peoples wishes and enacts an eternal rule that stifles their hopes and dreams. discontentment in the nation (NOT just the vision holders it shouldve been ALL inazumans divided on this i s2g) has been on the rise but only outside forces stoking the flames push it into overdrive as they seek to exploit the unrest to get the gnosis. couldve brought the whole "peoples faith powers the archon" if they wanted to pop off bc then the fatui by sparking the civil war are Directly weakening eis power like Thats solid! less ei was innocent and only the fatui led to the bad stuff more. ei is flawed makes shit choices and leaves an opening for their operations etc etc etc.

foreshadow signoras past and distrust of the gods in like a tense encounter or two early on (ritou maybe?) where she hints at a deeper reason behind her actions. no need to trauma dump just have her like idk mock us for seeking the archons for "help" in finding our sibling slash truth of the world and coincidentally use wording that directly alludes to what we already heard from dainsleif earlier abt the cataclysm and archons sus so its like an Oh Shit. she can namedrop or allude to venti to imply its personal or sth to further recontextualize her actions in mondstadt as well.

and so on. like then fixing the rebellion (ppl join for other reasons than just the VHD so its a more common cause etc maybe some ppl dont care abt the decrees as much but the drafting of civilians into the ever expanding war effort goes too far) and stuff like that. inazuma had the ingredients for a consistent good story they just fumbled it completely

whereas fontaine tells like. a much stronger and more hype emotional core journey for its focal points as u go thru them but also it just. Genuinely falls apart if you poke at the setting and world for a bit too long its really just swiss cheese and that sucks

like as much as i Do love the narwhal in a very normal and sane way i still think story wise it absolutely goes into the signora tier of mishandled AQ boss fights except Even worse than hers bc. signora Fits inazuma even if she was handled poorly. but with the narwhal (and by extension childes entire presence as happy as i was to see him at all) its just... kinda random? and got pretty much brushed aside even during the AQ like we get the opera hall cutscene and then theres a THIRTY MINUTE cutscene with focalors before the actual fight happens like way to just. eliminate any urgency from the situation bruh. and then at the end both the narwhal and childe kinda just got plot deviced into hyping up skirk and surtalogis name drop. which rly fucking sucks. 99.7% of fandom never reads the AQ fight boss drop to consider the narwhals a sentient thinking feeling entity and not just a dumb big pet bc skirk called it that etc.

childe in general i dont think im necessarily like. as negative on the way he was handled as some ppl are (tho the general sentiments are 100% shared) but its still very much like. a disappointment w his lack of presence and voiced lines and in terms of how a lot of the intrigue set up in the AQ Especially the oratrice judgement just got shrugged off all "who knows 🤷‍♀️" like Are You Serious. and also p much using him as a neuvi hype device like . I saw it i knew ppl were going to be insufferable abt it & was right

i also saw a comment talking abt how childe Being the purple guy inside the narwhal just corrupted or sth wouldve given him a more heightened presence during the boss fight and while im a hater of that concept for other reasons (mostly the. narwhal must have malicious designs for ajax thing) i cant disagree with that take in terms of the story aspect. like if the narwhal ate him when he fell back in (which i kinda? assume mustve happened lmao like where did he Go 😭😭) it Wouldve been a much greater moment for sth like that to be there.

But bc i personally dont like the Brainwashed Puppet Angle i think how id have done it is just. sure make the purple guy more reminiscent of ajax n his fight style maybe even FL . But. feature an actual fucking cutscene in the stomach of us realizing its Not Him. but instead its the Narwhal Emulating Him as a spectral summon thingy. bc it ate his dumb unconscious ass for safekeeping or w/e and is now copying his homework of "use a manifestation of the other as a combat technique" (v romantic btw. soulmates real). like DUDE we had childes earlier AQ appearance Actively Bring Up this EXACT thing! he uses a hydro construct mimicking the narwhal as a combat technique bc of how their encounter rewired his brain chemistry. and now the narwhal needs to improv a more humanoid angle to combat in its stomach after it ate us. so like pov ur the narwhal whats the closest point of reference to draw from at that moment?

Oh Right. the guy ur been fighting for 40+ days . Your guy (derogatory) 💀 like they have a telepathic link who knows if it could just straight up cross reference Our combat moves from the flashes its getting from childes memories of seeing us in action and utilizing that.

like it wouldve been so sick and still left the nature of their connection relatively open ended. like it ate him skirk would be separating them at the end and maybe comment on it a bit and his whereabouts during the entire thing wouldve been Way Less confusing. The knight dude being a mimic of ajax' battle technique would thematically connect to the golden house fight and his hydro whale technique and its just. the current electro dude is just so Huh. like its a good jumpscare and i love the OST obviously but it getting No Lore NOR cutscene sucks so bad

(And like if they wanted the combat design to be so that theres no cutscene interrupting the transition between being swallowed and entering the stomach phase just make it an AQ exclusive one. and if we cant have traveler talk and logistics of bringing paimon/neuvi to make the shocked observation of "is that.... him? no... its just an imitation???" or w/e . Just have us FLASH BACK to childes own fucking dialogue as the phantom him is summoned to face us where he mentions 1) traces of the narwhal on him and 2) the basis behind his hydro summon technique. so traveler can have a silent !!!!!! Realization that he got ate or whatever and now his narwhal is stealing his ideas jsjskdksirigkf)

Anyway i swear this wasnt just abt those two im so sorry . but like yeah its just a fucking shame and also the narwhal being just like . Means to an End in the prophecy feels kinda meh but like i dont have a solid idea on how that would even rly be fixed but yeah. underutilized my both beloveds

Back to fontaine general stuff tho i kinda do think that . hoyo almost missed the trees for the forest w it all if u will excuse the mid metaphor . like they told a very strong emotional story w neuvi and furina and navia But it came at the cost of a highly illogical lore and worldbuilding and its just An Issue if u dwell on it even a little bit and its rly a shame

like they were going for this justice theme of maybe AI justicebot is not The Way (TM) and people viewing court as a spectacle rather than a show of justice but then went never fucking where with it in terms of Maybe This Needs Changing . they made that entire champion duelists a thing despite it being So fucking stupid fundamentally like it just relies on nobody with enough raw power to just solo any duelist ever getting into the ring

(no credit for this tho this was a comment thread i ran into on leaks sub. there was also a point made abt how childe dueling and winning against clorinde when hes accused wouldve been such a great moment of like both showcasing clorindes role and linking to their earlier sparring and holding back thing and also that maybe the system sucks when this is possible and while i get the story needed him in jail so he can reunite w his narwhal . im now mad this didnt happen. give him a W in combat hoyo.)

like theres this entire thing about flawed justice in fontaine that is present in the 4.0 story but then it just...... Disappears. Bc AI justicebot was anti celestia archon deleter all along and it finished its job so its no longer a fundamental ethical issue for the legal system and fontaines ppl to grapple with and confront shit like childes sentencing. And furina wanted dramatic trials bc of what she was told by focalors but since she retires its now just neuvillette whos super fair so everything is fixed .

im not as big of a hater of act III as some but like thinking abt these things further makes me like it less and less like Yes they wanted this meropide vs regular fontaine dichotomy explored and all but thinking of it is just. i wonder how worthwhile the opportunity cost was in there (i have no correct answer btw)

bc . if you keep the childe jailed bc justice AI bot. they shouldve shown the people responding to it . bc that entire highly controversial judgement is Literally accompanied by the solving of the serial disappearances case AFTER multiple ""culprits"" had already been imprisoned for it which i actually forgot (thanks same reddit comment for reminding me) like Whats with those people then????? and just. Everything to do with the entire case including childes deal shouldve been a much bigger social upheaval anyway like ik stuff like furinas SQ shows ppl personally affected in the aftermath but i mean in bigger scale.

And Then if we like run a bit with this alternate hypothetical idea of childe no diffing the court system (clorinde im sure youre powerful but like i put more faith in those ruin guards that lasted 4s against FL than u girl) so hes simultaneously kind of a criminal let off scot free but also its so stupid to think a guy thats like 25 at most is involved in a 20yr old solved case it couldve been actual source of political discord. and like if you need to get him to the narwhal for plot reasons its Rly Not That Hard theyre obsessed with each other bro gets pinged a whale call once and its like yes honey we jailbreak for reunion tonight (hes going to throw hands Immediately bc hes the toxic battle maniac one). also yes ik they wrote it weird so technically ajax cant duel after the oratrice decides hes involved which is major intrigue point (that canon wasted but oh well) but like. they couldve written differently idc. he couldve even gone off investigating why AI bot considers him guilty on his own and then jeepers!! speedrun glitchless any% spawned into the primordial sea!! hes missing! but like this isnt a well articulated idea whatsoever lmao im just winging some shit

meropides existence in general was also just weird. again i enjoyed the character writing it enabled for wrio and the HotH trio and despite disliking childe just being MIA i do like how the storytelling around his escape expands on his social intelligence and street smarts still. but as an entity the fortress is just sorta there as a system that Obviously shouldnt be Like this when its literally the other side of the coin to fontaines Already dubious legal system but then they went the whole. its a gathering place for exiles (still a prison)!! a home for those alienated by the surface world after so long (so why KEEP them in there that long)!!!! protectors of egerias secret (okay Sure. but whats the need post prophecy then)!!!! And its like. okay im not about to uhh. overstep my understanding of the risk a chinese company limited by often nebulous and inconsistent censorship would take if they went for a full on prison reform/abolishing angle w the writing like i dont think that was in the cards. But it still means meropide as a system just falls apart if u think abt its existence critically At All and its hard to say whether fontaines writing omitting sth like it entirely wouldve ultimately been better for the overall focus of the story anyway. but yeah

and its just. im sure theres even more that i havent even noted here (logistics of nobody drowning in the flood & rest of teyvat being unaffected etc etc) bc this is just a rant ramble not a coherent analysis but my point in all of this is that the abundance of issues like these just kinda add up so that by the end its kinda like fontaines simultaneously the AQ that id say has the highest highs in terms of its best moments and strongest emotional beats and how much heart it carries . Like im not taking that away from it.

but its also the AQ with like genuinely the messiest fucking groundwork in lore and larger worldbuilding implications whose aftermath leaves the most plot threads barely explored or just discarded altogether by the end and its just?? Such a weird mess like i very much enjoyed it despite the problems and for me it still overtakes sumeru in many aspects but i cant pretend those problems arent there . like consistency of writing and lore accounted for sumeru is still the best AQ

(oh also. the fact that to my knowledge no fucking fontaine NPC Ever reacts to the events throughout the AQ is fucking insane. like other nations could get away w sth like that better but. THE ENTIRE NATION FLOODED. How the fuck arent they talking. ppl in meropide post act IV abt the close call. ppl who saw the narwhal in the opera house in V. Like . HUH???)

but yeah its . A weird situation w fontaines writing as a whole . & yes im giga late to the discussion HSJSJSKSI but oh well thats my brain for ya

[lakesbian]

Dearest Aisha, I hope this letter finds you well on this horrible sunny day. I’m leaving you this message because my heart is twisted in twain, and you must know that it’s not you, it’s me. What we had was wonderful, but alas, my future in the Bay is either woefully short or non-existent and as such I must bid you adieu. Or in plain English, I’m leaving because this whole plan Glory and Taylor cooked up isn’t my thing and would just put a target on my back. Maybe things would’ve been different if we weren’t pulling up the curtain, but oh well. Try not to be too upset about it. I left the playstation behind, and feel free to save over my old files. Say bye to the others for me, just don’t be too mushy about it. -Alec.

JESUS. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK HE TALKS LIKE THIS. alec wouldnt say bid you adieu if you paid him. or Twain. or Dearest Aisha. oh my god hed gag before saying dearest aisha. hang on we need a full count off of the sins here

the base premise that he didn't discuss his feelings about victoria and taylor's plan with aisha beforehand is absurd--they're extremely communicative with each other

the base premise that taylor would go along with anything victoria cop dallon said in the first place is insane and makes me want to see the person op thinks victoria is killed badly by bugs

the base premise that Aisha is fine with victoria cop dallon's plans instead of going "alec isnt this fucking sucks." is insane.

the base premise that alec is the only undersider not okay with victoria cop dallon's plans is also insane. I'm going to be real with you they would kill her immediately and without hesitation for alec and they dont even like him that much.

again, it's absurd to act as if aisha and alec are noncommunicative enough that he would drop this on her as opposed to telling her he was considering leaving off the bat. also i think she has enough wrong with her that she would want to go with him. but i digress, that's besides the point because

alec would not want to leave without aisha in the first place. people latch on so hard to him casually suggesting leaving the undersiders in that one early chapter but like. he's doing that bc it's in the context of a hypothetical scenario where his dad is getting after him. he always unequivocally backs them & follows their lead when they get into Shit That Is Not About Him--he's just both not wanting 2 burden the undersiders w/ having 2 deal w/ his dad + assuming that they wouldn't necessarily Want to help. once they say they would help he's like. oh ok. and this is certainly the last time he ever even considers leaving. those are the only ppl he has he's not walking his ass out of there. he Thinks he doesn't care but in any situation where he's at risk of exiting or losing one of them he leans HARD into backing them up. e.g. knocking himself unconscious to help brian sacrificing himself for aisha suggesting leaving town As A Team when the s9 is there and explicitly mentioning stopping to pick up rachel first. his actions demonstrate how he feels even if he isnt consciously aware of it. this entire situation is cartoonishly implausible but even if it did happen he would just not react this way

anyway the fic literally just ends like this.

A/N: And so the curtain rises. Or sets? Maybe it’s an interlude? Or a intermission? I didn’t really think this metaphor through. Writing Alec is hard, but I’m hoping I managed well here. No, this is not an elaborate rug pull or “oh he shows up later”. Alec is gone. He doesn’t show up for the rest of the story. And the reasoning for that should be laid out pretty clearly here. Maybe in another world, where Tori and Taylor resolved the communication issue before this point, they could’ve had that conversation. But they didn’t and he didn’t. So the only way out was out. Alec was never going to be willing to unmask. And with that knowledge, what happened last chapter should be a lot clearer. Today’s rec is an essay on Alec’s Costume by ewingstan on Tumblr, which does an excellent job breaking down his character in terms of psychology and code switching between his cape self and who he is regularly. Or rather, how there’s not much difference at all. I’ll see you all next week.

YOU DID NOT MANAGE WELL. HOW ARE YOU READING AND LINKING GOOD ALEC POSTS (albeit ones i had a bit 2 expand on but like. Its a good post it stands on its own.) but not internalizing Any Of Them. my god. this is so funny. there he goes fucking off into the sunset leaving literally his entire life behind because op understands nothing about him. resti n peace boy. ok thus concludes my Complaining. i'd apologize but its my blog and i can do what i want forever

[send-up-my-heart-to-you]

Yeah so that’s what I meant just because ‘everyone’ hates them (terrorists organisations) doesn’t mean they stop, they still kill many and it’s okay if you don’t stand up for the victims because they aren’t ‘your people’ so then why do you and your people spread so much hate and use terrible words for people who stay neutral, those who don’t do or say anything from either side? As it was your logic to not say anything for people undergoing attacks other than the one in Palestine since it has nothing to do with you and there are apparently enough people to support and voice them, so is the case for non-islams regarding the current matter, I don’t get it why so much of double standards? Y’all can’t stop your own people then what are y’all expecting from others which okay is still fine but calling them really really terrible stuff, swearing at them, cursing them for not even saying a single thing, really? Why is everyone forced to have a say, maybe if your community showed the same amount of dedication to go against the terrorist organisation under the name of your religion, maybe just maybe it would have made a difference (if you’re wondering why I’m talking so much about muslim terrorists, it’s because the place I live in has had to go through ALOT because of them, I don’t talk of the others). I get it what is happening with Palestine is definitely wrong but why doesn’t this amount of care and consideration not happen for victims everywhere from everyone? Why then do you choose to stay neutral and not say anything and why we are forced to say something ? please make some sense.

babes, youre rambling. if its fine can you summarize it a bit? ill try to respond but like. youre throwing comeback after comeback. its kinda hard keping up??? im tired from exams n my attention span is low

it’s okay if you don’t stand up for the victims because they aren’t ‘your people’

see, i said theyre not my people as a clarification. bc im muslim, but i dont consider them to be muslim. that is separate from my reason as to why i dont talk about "muslim" attacks. my reason was because everyone knows those organizations are wrong, so theres no point in clarifying it.

why do you and your people spread so much hate and use terrible words for people who stay neutral, those who don’t do or say anything from either side?

i personally dont. not anymore. because after a lot of thought on it, i personally understood why people may not comment (e.g. for their safety). i no longer bear any hostilities to people who stay neutral. cant say anything anything on anyone else's behalf.

calling them really really terrible stuff, swearing at them, cursing them for not even saying a single thing, really? Why is everyone forced to have a say

same as i said before.

maybe if your community showed the same amount of dedication to go against the terrorist organisation under the name of your religion, maybe just maybe it would have made a difference

see, i really dont get what you mean by "your community". if you mean my (muslim majority) country, it literally has zero terrorists. literally. bc the police is so harsh, patriotism and loving peace is built into us from day one, men have to go thru military training, SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE they dont want anyone to align themselves with those terrorist ideals.

if you mean us as muslims, in islam its our job just to be pious and treat people well. yes, a tiny percentage end up terrible, but with 2 billion of us, if one percent is terrible its still going to be a large number. muslims mostly have the mindset of "let god deal with them" which is why you wont see many speaking up against terrorists

if youre talking about arabs as a whole, the issue is (and i can go into a whole rant about this) most of them have been fucked since the british n french messed with us like a hundred years ago. its why iraq is a mess, its why palestine-israel is a thing. i know youll wanna say "they can still speak against these organisations" but habibi, the arabs are so divided. they cant unite over anything. not even speaking up against israel, which is literally attacking an arab country, so how can you expect them to be able to speak up against muslim terror groups? (not excusing it, by the way, just i think this is the reason why)

by the way, they do speak against terrorist groups. the muslim brotherhood is designated a terrorist group by bahrain, egypt, russia, saudi arabia, the uae, and syria. only one of those isnt muslim majority + isis is designated a terrorist group by egypt, jordan, syria, the uae, kuwait, saudi arabia, iraq, tajikistan, kazakhstan, azerbaijan, and even AGHANISTAN OF ALL PLACES. i could name more but you get my point, i think

if you’re wondering why I’m talking so much about muslim terrorists, it’s because the place I live in has had to go through ALOT because of them

i understand. and i can tell youre really passionate about this. just a question anon, what exactly are you trying to say here? bc youre so full of emotion right now (maybe bc this is personal to you) that everythings coming out at once and its not rlly making sense.

would you mind telling me your thoughts in one or two sentences? like i can tell your mad abt this situation, but why? is it that you dont like the way arabs/muslims (please specify which instead of saying 'you people') react to "muslim" terrorist groups? or the whole thing about getting mad at those who stay neutral? itd rlly help me if you specified

[astxrwar]

some of the transmasc! mig hcs rub me the wrong way. ranting transgenderishly abt it. sorrie

1. why are so many ppl defaulting to giving him top surgery scars. look at his body shape, his hips are narrow and his shoulders are broad and he’s over 6’5 lmao. dude would have been on blockers then T as an early teenager. you don’t need top surgery then. unless you construct a narrative where he went off of T for like… at least a year (but probably longer) without getting a complete hysterectomy first then this makes no sense.

it just feels like ppl dont know that much abt transmasc experiences we r not all the same and top surgery scars r not just a thing you slap on to trans someone, not all of us require top surgery + cis guys get top surgery too? just giving uneducated

2. also the fact that it seems like it just doesn’t ever occur to ppl that trans men get bottom surgery. ig that’s an in general issue but why does it seem like every hc’ed trans man character always has a pussy. plenty of us have dicks bro it just feels fetish-y. plenty of us only pass on surgery bc it’s A Lot but it’s 2099 so that’s going to be less of an issue,,, specific to miguel like. why is nobody giving him bottom surgery scars like the fact that there’s not an equal or even rly existing rep for that in a world where getting it would be INFINITELY easier makes me uncomfy it’s rly giving ‘trans men as men-lite” energy

3. also for written content same deal why is nearly every trans guy hced as one who doesn’t get bottom surgery and why is there always SO MUCH focus on specifically using the word pussy. like bitch! an example of a common thing for transmascs: i dew naught even write fem!RC content using that word i avoid almost all fem-genitalia words bc they’re extremely uncomfy to me, and that phenomenon amongst trans men is even more common than trans men who have had bottom surgery. so we have an excess of content focusing on ‘guy with pussy’ and very little if any content even just recognizing a significant amount of trans men r not okay with that terminology n often do not even like engaging their natal anatomy beyond their dicks (significant number of us also use this word and not the other one! btw!!) during sex. n ppl don’t want to write abt this bc it doesn’t fit the fetish!! im doing murder!!

4. i saw someone ranting wrt trans!mig abt how ppl make male characters transmasc to make mlm ships “less gay” wrt: sex and its just like. im going to kill u too! trans men get bottom surgery bro trans men have dicks! plenty of the ones that don’t just straight up do not do PIV! way to hit the nail on the head wrt fandoms seeing trans men as men-lite lmao and way to miss the opportunity for criticism of fandom transphobia by just. validating that perception of trans men.

idk im just so tired where is my trans miguel no top surgery scars (bc he clearly got T at puberty onset) + with bottom surgery scars content :/ arm scar from the nerve + torso scar from the graft, it’s 2099 they’ve probably perfected skin expanders atp so it would just be like. one scar instead of the scar + stretched area but like. i digress. can we please have trans men with dicks content Ever? the abject lack of it kinda feels like left wing version of rw “c*ntboy” fetishism lol. im going to make some myself bc it is an outlet to deal with my Frustration abt this and explore how all trans ppl have different transitions narratively and counter the reductive fandom goggles perception of us. in general i wish the majority of ppl just didn’t do trans hcs until it stops just being a clear and obvious extension of fetishization and stereotyping. throttling ppl biting and maiming and tearing

also like there’s so many ppl who just think trans men who get bottom surgery r gross but won’t admit it and they especially shan’t see the light of heaven and should stop even thinking abt trans men at all <3

[tarnished-angelcoric]

As a fellow working adult system, can I ask about what kind of job you have? We're finding it extremely difficult to agree on any kind of job and actually just turned in our 2 weeks at the current one because several alters are deeply unhappy with it. I feel like none of us can agree on what we want, especially long term career stuff. How did you find your work? Is it fulfilling enough for everyone? If someone doesn't like it, how do you manage to cope with that?

Sorry for all the questions, just been very stressful job hunting when no one likes anything and I was wondering if you had any advice/ your experience with it.

-In Calus

no thats so real. honestly, finding work,, really sucks jdbsjdbjd its definitely not easy. we're in a position where we kind of Have to work to support ourselves, theres really not any way around it. ill try and answer all of your questions in order.

so we work in retail at a mall, which is. a monster all of its own, but its what we have. we've had other jobs too: food service (dont recommend, sucks ass), food delivery (stuck with this for 2 yrs and honestly wouldve stayed longer if we hadnt moved, this one was actually pretty okay), and at an animal shelter (had to leave bc we're physically disabled also and the work put too much strain on the body, but otherwise really liked it, work was pretty solo so socializing wasnt an issue). honestly id say retail isnt an Ideal job for a system unless youre relatively under control, it can certainly go haywire. only reason we have this job is bc we had just moved and were Desperate for work, applied to a billion places and took the first one that got back to us lol. *i* personally dont mind it. we dont all share the same opinions about it, but we are mostly in agreement that you gotta do what you gotta do, yknow? this probably isnt a lifetime career for us, but itll hold us until we can find one.

our system is a little bit tricky in the fact that im the one whos fronting the majority of the time, and so for the most part, the bodys life is "my" life. almost everybody else really only fronts on occasion, and so i tend to take the lead on bodily decisions. i dont want to call it "my" life, but when it comes to things like that (especially work), thats kind of how it is yknow? and since im almost always fronting, i tend to be the one that deals with work unless its a rare occasion where im triggered enough to be pulled from front.

i wouldnt say that our job is fulfilling to everyone, i dont think? there are certainly those of us who dont like it, especially the social aspect. those parts tend to not front during work, unless something goes awry and they Need to be pulled forward – though, we've been in therapy long enough that those of us who Dont mind working can handle it okay.

its really just a thing of. we Cannot move back in with family, thats Not an option. and unfortunately, in order to Not move back in with family, we Have to work. we dont really have any other viable options. so none of us really Love our job, but we do what we have to in order to survive. n so even the parts that Hate work will do it if they have to. a lot of it just comes down to us being realistic with ourselves and knowing that we have to do things we dont like sometimes in order to make ends meet. n obviously our situation is different from some peoples in the sense that i as the host am almost always fronting and rarely leave front, so mostly everybody else doesnt have to worry too much about work because i can usually handle it.

finding a proper Lifelong Career has always been harder for us, n we tend to hop around between things quite a bit. its again a thing where its Mostly up to me, because ill be the main one dealing with it, but its still hard to come to a consensus that everyone will like. we still havent found that answer, truthfully. we liked helping at the shelter, bc it was pretty solitary work and didnt require a lot of socializing, but unfortunately it doesnt seem to be a good option with the direction our physical health is going.

i wish i could say that it was easy, i wish i could give you the magic puzzle piece to solve the problem. but for us it really is just a matter of Life Sucks But You Do What You Gotta, and that will have to do until we can find something better. i wish you guys the best of luck with finding something that works for you, and you can always talk to us if you have any questions or need anything <3

other working systems feel free to weigh in if you have anything to offer!

[jupitervega]

hey peace & love, i mean this as kindly as possible-- some of y'all rly gotta unclench abt takin up space in the world by existin

like if a jerk in line behind u at the store is huffin n puffin bc yr self check is givin u fits & makin the process longer, that's their problem to deal with like an adult. is there some kinda giant glitterbomb behind the counter that's gonna blow if u don't get yr bags packed & get gone before the jerk's internal timer reaches zero? is anyone gonna blast u with literal red eye laser death rays? naw? then let the pissbaby pitch their lil fit that u can't ring yr groceries at lightspeed

or like. doctor stuff for fucken real. it's not illegal to be a pain in the healthcare system's ass until u get the relief u need. i'm not sayin be ugly abt it or anything, but yr allowed to put yr foot down with yr doctor. they said u needed to lose weight for an unrelated issue, or wrote yr symptoms off as anxiety/stress when u know damn well somethin else is wrong? make another appointment. message the office again. go to a different doc who will take u seriously if yr able. ask for every test yr insurance will pay for (if u got it). if they refuse to test or treat u for an issue, insist that their refusal is noted in yr file. don't mask yr symptoms to try & save face at the clinic. if they don't believe u until yr at yr worst, show up at yr worst. yr the best advocate u have, & idk abt y'all but i'm not catholic & i refuse to suffer any way i ain't gotta

other ppl don't like how u dress (too weird, too goth, too bright, etc.)? well good thing they're not wearin yr clothes then huh!!! maybe they oughta get glad in the same pants they got mad in while u strut yr funky stuff the hell away from that bullshit

any unsolicited negative opinion on anything u do that hurts no one & makes u happy? just be like ok loser thanks for the garbage input, i will not be considerin any of that, i'm happy for u or sorry that happened, goodbye

anyway. all this kinda stuff mattered So Much to me in my teens-twenties that i stressed myself sick abt it all & now i'm 31 & simply cannot find many more fux to give. i'm alive on this gay earth same as anyone else, & so are u, & we have a right to be here & take up space by existin. this world was made for us to explore, how u gonna do that when u keep makin yrself so small? take my hand. we're gonna get thru all this together :)

[onlyjaeyun]

the way heeseung genuinely believed he could treat y/n well if only he had the chance to because compared to his ex's she's different, but he's just too fucking stupid to realize that he has already taken the chance to "treat her right", in fact the chance was taken the second he reciprocated her feelings, except the truth is he just doesn't love her the way he thinks he could. because life isn't ideal you just take what you fucking get and try your best to make it into your own personal paradise but heeseung just can't do it. instead he chooses stupidity and drowning in his sorrows over actually doing something to make his life better but ig its understandable because it's just what he's used to 😭 but does he ever even think about how selfless sunghoon is and if he ever found out heeseung is the reason behind his beloved sister's suffering he'd literally lose his shit? and heeseung's stupidity has now made sunghoon the indirect reason for his sister's suffering which just makes it even worse!! heeseung truly believes, and it's somewhat correct, that he's this selfless person and he's willing to do everything for people who are dear to him yet he forgets that the person he's being so selfless for would do the same for him and other people that are dear to him also. jaeyun was right, we don't always get what we want, and heeseung will never get this happy ending and these amazing circumstances that he made up in his head, the ideal situation where he gets the girl without any issues, and you just have to fucking deal with it. but dealing with it doesn't necessarily mean moping around and crying about it, begging people who snap you back into reality to just stop you from daydreaming because it "hurts", dealing with it also means making the best out of what you have and handling it in a way that will surely be painful and will take a lot of energy and time but will also help you reach the goal that you need and i really wish heeseung could see that there IS a way out to reach his goal, that the situation isn't ideal but he can take advantage of what he has so far, instead he's just not doing anything and it's painful to see

sorry for the big rant 🥹

THIS THIS THIS!!!!! couldn't have said it better and have absolutely nothing to add, i love when you guys rant like this bc it makes me feel less crazy for being so into this story 😭🩷 thank you sm baby

[celestie0]

Ooof, sorry if come across rude or anything negative. Just saw your post ihm ex wife asks and how people were being rude or weirdly jealous. I hoped that my ask about knowing more about ihm ex wife, didn’t come off as being weird or rude person. ( I’m the that mention Lana del Rey)

It Seems at one point she’s going be added into the story? Correct me if I’m wrong but that’s really exciting!

Your whole au is my obsessed anyways apologize if came off ass weird/rude :(

hi love! mm yea, i think your ask did contribute to those feelings, mainly the part where you said you entirely block the ex wife part of the story out of your mind because you can’t imagine him w someone else other than reader

i don’t know, i have actually gotten similar asks for kickoff when i had a couple people tell me they skipped all of the scenes with kai in it bc they didn’t want to read about any other guy other than gojo

thing is, those are just things you don’t have to tell an author. if you do block things out or skip things, that’s fine. but just because you have access to communicate with a fanfic author doesn’t mean you should share those things with them. readers forget that we, fanfic authors, have a much more deeply invested personal interest in these stories as the creators of them, than a reader might have. it’s different from texting your friend “oh i dislike xyz ab this story”…because you’re literally sending those words to the person who put all their hard work n time into writing it lol

i try to put this into perspective, but for the whole kai thing for example: i spent a great deal of time planning those scenes out, spent a great deal of time writing & editing those scenes, n ultimately believe those scenes contribute greatly to the dynamics of the story. for people to straight up tell me they skipped those scenes, it’s odd and upsetting for sure.

i’m also like, what are you accomplishing by telling me that you skipped like half the chapter, or that you entirely dismiss parts of my story?…i have thought about this sooo much in trying to understand why tf i get asks like that, or why people think it’s appropriate to share those things with me, and the conclusion i can think of is that people are trying to subconsciously push me towards writing a story that THEY want by telling me the exact parts of my story that they entirely disregard/will disregard. and that makes me feel so icky, like i’m lowkey being manipulated into people pleasing people just cuz i post stuff for free. same goes for pressuring asks i get about writing more smut. those feel even more gross to me tbh, and it entirely kills my drive to write

i’m already struggling to find motivation to create stories among all the other insanity of things going on in my life. so yea words like that definitely do affect me, esp when it’s not just from one person, which i could probs write off as some internet troll, but from like 15+ different readers saying the same thing over n over n over again. and i KNOW i have so many wonderful readers n i’m endlessly grateful…but i’m starting to feel like chappell roan rn where i’m starting to realize maybe i’m just not cut out for this lmfaooo. it’s strange i’ve like literally seen people d** in real time but stan tumblr is what breaks me 💀💀 this shit is nottttt for the weak bahahah i see why so many authors leave

since i started posting here in january, i’ve dealt w people who would shame me for not posting updates at the time i said i would, i’ve dealt w people who would pressure me for updates, i’ve dealt w people who would pressure me for smut, i’ve dealt with people who have reduced my stories to nothing but smut, i’ve dealt with people who have made death threats against kickoff gojo for having commitment issues, i had a person straight up tell me they were “disappointed in the direction” of all of ch7 of kickoff, i had someone comment “he should’ve done ___ instead. will not be reading this fic anymore”, i’ve dealt w so many people belittle n disregard the whole ihm ex wife plotline. i’ve literally cried over some of these asks/comments, n i’ve felt embarrassed over some of them too. i’m just a person.

and i know i know i know i shouldnt focus on the negative interactions, i should just focus on the positive ones. but yknow how much mental real estate that takes to do? i’d consider myself to be a pretty mentally healthy person to be very honest, but even i have a hard time w doing that lmfao.

and then, to make things worse, i get scared that calling readers out for this kind of stuff will just make people fearful to interact with me in the future. and then im like damn i suck lol

in any case, i accept your apology. it’s not that deep at the end of the day i suppose, and i don’t want you to feel bad about it. there are bigger issues in this world rn than fanfiction on tumblr. also sorry i kinda used your ask to say all of this but i just wanted to share my perspective plus i’m pmsing so i’m emo lol i’m just waiting for my estrogen to rise at this point so i can feel human again n i might end up regretting posting this but anyways thanks xxx

[h5eavenly]

The whole situation is so complicated 😭😭😭 like all characters are soooo so complex, especially y/n :((

Tbh yes, Yeji has low key bene a bit mean to y/n and stuff even before she found out the truth, but that’s justifiable bc she was defending her friend, aka Hyunjin! And ofc if I put myself in her shoes, if my friends’ ex left my bff all heart broken, ofc I would have some sort of sour feelings :((. But ofc it’s always important to note that when a relationship ends, it’s not ab finding who to blame! I relationship ends bc it’s simply not meant and that’s ok, that’s just life ://. So imo I do think Yeji is valid for not being all for y/n and Hyunjin BUT idt she needed to be a bitch ab it. However !!! The way she reacted to the news ab the bet and SEUNGMIN, I get that bc in her perspective she was trying to look after Hyunjin.

For Hyunjin’s POV, idk I think it rlly depends on the person. Bc yes y/n did a lot of questionable things, and tbh he rlly does have the option to not listen to her bc tbh if I were in his shoes I wouldn’t either AKSJSKSJA bc like wth !!! I’m online w h and turns out ur doing sm shiz behind my back like ?!?! However, when his own friends shit talked y/n, I thought that was below the belt. It’s natural they don’t like her for what she had done, but Hyunjin still loves her, and love doesn’t just go away. Bc idk maybe it’s a me thing, but when my friends jus breakup w an ex, I make it a point to never talk shit, even if I rlly want to in the first few weeks or so bc it’ll also hurt my friend bc they still love them! That’s why I did find it a bit weird that Hyunjin didn’t rlly tell them to stop but we r all different and deal w our feelings differently. I think it was normal he blocked her bc he needs to heal and get some space fr. Like I said it’s rlly up to him if he wants to listen to y/n. Bc I’m 100% sure she has her reasons but ofc it’ll be hard to listen to her bc he did give her chances to admit the truth but she was scared and never took the chance, so that’s on her.

Tbh I think all of them are just acting immaturely which is rlly normal and human of them! Like I don’t rlly support how some of them r dealing w it, especially w Hyunjin’s friends talking shot ab y/n, the girl he still has feelings for IN FRONT OF HIS FACE :((. Idk like I said, for me I think it’s below the belt bc one, he did love her once :((. Valid for them to not like her but they should give Hyunjin some space from the situation bc it just seems like they’re making it ab themselves. They could’ve just asked how he was and continued from there :((. Idk :((

And for y/n I cannot stress this enough, she should’ve said smthg :(( everyone’s been telling her to come clean and Hyunjin even gave her the chance but she never did, so it rlly gave d impression dat she was playing w Hyunjin and his friends. I think she should’ve said smthg sooner and should’ve jus been honest from the get go. Bc I’m sure Hyunjin would’ve been hurt by what happened and what she did, but at least it would give Hyunjin reassurance that she is honest w him. And it’s understandable that y/n is sort of acting dis way bc of her own personal issues, but dat doesn’t justify her reasons, and doesn’t justify hurting someone else whom is harmless. So I think y/n is in a place of reflection and hopefully she finds some peace :)).

Mad for Chan, I mean ofc he will tell Yeji AKSNWM she is his friend and ofc all the shiz he found out was rlly like messed up so ofc he will tell her, it’s a normal response. I mean he could’ve clarified it w wooyoung, Yuma, and y/n, but idt they’re close to begin w so AKSNAKANA.

Long story short, theyre all just rlly emotional and I think they’re all sort of acting impulsively which is normal :)).

Idk how this whole situation is gonna unfold but I’m rlly hoping for the best for all of them!!

yess this is why i kept saying this is so complicated bc its one of these situations where we could go back and forth on what everyone could have said and did when everything the characters do doesn't always have to be morally correct when they have different personalities and feelings/past judgements are involved thats just very unrealistic i also mentioned to keep note of the pain being so fresh and the shock is settling in bc yk sadness and pain are such complex emotions they could turn into rage or have you thinking differently/irrationally. if this was after a while maybe i could for sure see felix or hyunjin being like "okay guys this is not cool stop it" bc time could have passed and their opinion on yn wouldnt just bc focused on this one bad thing she did

I do agree w u that this felt selfish to hyunjin i think his feelings are not being validated in this situation, his friends are only validating yejis side which is that yn is100% a villain in her story so the first thing she feels for yn is anger and just that. where for hyunjin the way he feels about yn is soso complex bc this is a person who he loved and still loves, shares a past with and thought of her as his soulmate thats why it made so much sense for me that he's isolating himself he doesnt feel like he has a safe space to talk about yn and express his grief and the complexity of still missing her,loving her its similar to the start where he couldnt talk abour his feelings for yn w yeji and only talked about them to lix

Also the whole bangchan situation i do think if someone else heard them things would be different i do believe if it was changbin in that situation he would have 100% talk to yuna and woo first but with chan he had showed multiple times that he doesnt really care about yn and her friends like that and it had been shown also that he's not really a logically thinking person like he had said questionable things throughout the series so

omg thank you for writing ur thoughts to me in detail this is so fun to read and i lovee getting to discuss everything so i hope ur feeling the same as i said its so interesting to see so many different opinions and views this just goes to show how complex we are as humans!! i love it🥹🩷🩷

[linabirb]

blorbo Haruka, Muu, Mahiru, Naomi, Asahi and Reina! :D

thank you for sending them aurora <3

(putting them under the cut bc lots of text)

"haruka is so cute!!" "haruka is so silly!!" NO!!! NO PEOPLE ARE WRONG ABOUT HIM!!! i could talk for hours about how people infantilize milgram men but i don't want to get eaten alive. i like haruka in a way that's different from how most people like him bc i actually WANT HIM TO GET WORSE. i want him to GO INSANE. go CRAZY even. he's been portrayed (by the fandom) as a cute little baby for too long and i say that as someone who (just like 99.9% of the fandom) finds him relatable that is wrong and also. so so messed up considering that the guy is obviously not the most mentally stable prisoner. like hey guys.. why are we going "I NEED TO ADOPT HIM" at a guy who sees a 16 y/o girl as his mother.. just a thought.. anyway can't wait for his t3 mv <3 im not really a huge fan of his songs bc they sound too similar to me and they're just kinda. meh like i prefer his covers but i really hope his guilty verdict song will be something different.

muu actually was one of my least faves when i first got into milgram for personal reasons, but as i got to learn more about her. okay this is me actually (except i've never bullied anyone and i tend to blame myself for literally everything that happens in the world). again i love her in a way similar to haruka, like i don't want her to get better, i hope she gets worse actually. WANTING TO SEE YOUR FAVES HAPPY IS OVERRATED I NEED TO SEE HER BITE EVERYONE I NEED TO SEE HER COVERED IN BLOOD I NEED TO SEE HER BURN THE PRISON DOWN OR SOMETHING!!!

MAPPI!!!!! ONE OF THE FEW MILGRAM PRISONERS THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO GET BETTER!!! yes she is so so cute and so so squishy but i also really do think that she's such a deep and well-written character, like her having a very sheltered background, her not really knowing how real relationships work and focusing more on the ones from literature, movies and other media, giving so much love to her bf that she literally ended up killing him, but it still doesn't seem like she wants to change her ways.. OH MAHIRU SHIINA!!!! i wish people could talk more about those parts of her character rather than her simply being cute.. but anyway yeah she's inno to me <3 (even though one specific theory really scares me and i don't think it will be confirmed and i hope it doesn't bc if it does that will mean that mahiru literally did something that i've personally had to deal with and what i am so so scared of BUT STILL. SHE'S INNO TO ME!!!)

oh asahi yano.. the most evil 12 year old ever.. /j it's actually amane according to the fandom (her innocent vote should've been higher.) also oh god he's going to be 13 this year i'm going to cry. asahi is honestly one of my fav characters to write! he's really fun bc i can literally just make him say whatever and it won't be ooc. like yes he absolutely can say the most offensive stuff without thinking (or with a lot of thinking) but he also can be so sweet and not even realize it!! like he actually loves miki so so much and his relationship with kei in t3 will be really cute i think.. i wonder if it really is possible for him to have a future that's happy and bright.. or any future really..

naomi chiba you are so so weird and so so dangerous and so so evil but i love you so much. there is literally no hope for her. no one can fix her. it's like. if shun's problem is that he just really needs someone to love him in a healthy way and help him slowly recover or at least learn to cope with his mental issues, then how do we solve naomi's problem? just make all children disappear or what? MAYBE she would get better with REALLY intense therapy and learning to heal her inner child, but i just. can't see her agreeing to smth like that. at least maybe she'll go down in a cool and also terrifying way.. i love her as a character but i think she's terrible as a person and that she will only continue to get worse no matter what the guards choose.

reina.. my silliest daughter.. my saddest clown.. i love reina, maybe i don't find her as fun as some of my other characters (though i honestly don't have any faves), but her character also feels very refreshing bc it's like. FINALLY someone who is somewhat sane. it also feels nice to write a character who actually tries to understand what's going on and tries to rebel even though i really like how one of the main themes of linagram is how all these people COULD try to solve the secrets of milgram but.. they just won't. they just accepted it. like that's so scary to me. but oh well.. im afraid reina won't get rewarded for her efforts anytime soon. honestly she'll most likely get punished for it.