#:( rly wanted to return to normalcy

[problemcore]

my body is back to being cringe once again

[ghostarii]

I INVENTED SEX, JING YUAN

ʚɞ it’s about time you’ve met your maker: the beginning and the end of everything good.

WARNINGS ݈݇- fem!reader, praise, established relationship, dickmatized!reader, jing yuan has magic peen, lots of flowery imagery, dirty talk, dumbification, tears, spit, manhandling, squirting, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, spanking of multiple varieties, pussy pronouns, creampie!!!, no plot just vibes, minors do not interact.

NOTE ݈݇- this is a nonsense drabble n i lost the plot halfway thru ngl but i just wanted to write 😞 missed u guys <3 i’m trying to be more active n consistent for yall but idk smut writing is so hard now!!! anyway pls comment n reblog it rly warms me littl heart c:

WORD COUNT ݈݇- 2.8k+

STARS GLEAM UPON A blinding white surface, swirling into a hypnotizing galaxy. The heat of the stars spark under the layers of your flesh, burning you from the inside out in an unforgiving barrage of passion—that’s what passion feels like; a searing, insatiable heat that creeps through your veins and shows you the light.

You drown beneath the light, choking out garbled pleas and broken whines, feeling every bit of cohesion slip from your grasp. They can no longer keep you steady, and you're using those weakened fists to grab onto something—anything—to keep you afloat. He adjusts the placement of your legs around his waist, slithering his arms beneath your back and anchoring you off the mattress. You hang limply in his arms, melting off your stabilization, and feel utterly weightless. A haze overcomes you: drunken and blissful, it is, and it nulls every thought. Nothing remains but the sticky feeling of your bodies combining, the moans he rasps into your ears, and the sensation of your entire existence being dug out of you.

This is what pure ecstasy feels like: it’s electric, it's nasty, and it's life-altering—nothing in you has an ounce of normalcy anymore and you no longer want it to. He has killed you and resurrected you in the wake of exceptional ecstasy. You can't remember what life felt like before you laid down in this bed, but you know what it feels like now: fucking phenomenal.

It shows all in the sloppy grin you wear. You’re somewhere beyond mortal comprehension, where your eyes can cross stupidly and you pant like a thirsty mutt. In all of your messy debauchery, the only thing you can do is smile. Smile in his arms as he bullies his cock deep into your guts, smile as he pulls your head up and cradles the back of your neck, and smile as he presses your foreheads together, huffing out the age-old question: “You like that?”

His voice is carved out of raw carnality. It’s rough and guttural, and reverberating through your empty head like a sick mantra. Of course I fucking like it, you want to say, but your tongue can't untwist out of its debilitating twirl and you can only weakly whimper out an Mhm!

“I bet,” he laughs, almost chastising. “You should see the look on your face…mnh, yeeaahh, that good, huh?”

You nod vigorously but your confirmation is not what he is in search of. What Yuan is looking for is you: the raw, unfiltered, real version of you that rests inside. To pull that out and bare it in your sacred space—to let him cherish it and understand it in ways you have yet to experience—that is intimacy. What he’s looking for is real intimacy…and you, you are it.

Sweltering heat washes over you in a fiery wave, pulling the final loop through your stomach and knotting it up. That’s it, right there, you try to say, but your mouth only hangs agape, squeaking out choppy cries. Yuan takes the opportunity to angle himself and lick into your mouth, catching your whimper on his tongue and following the pout of your lips into a kiss.

His hand on your neck slowly returns to the other, each grabbing your ass and spreading the cheeks apart. The splat sounds have more space to escape, and they dance along the walls, echoing in a deafening repetition that resounds for miles. It’s so nasty, so unashamed—but it’s so intimate, and it’s all his.

As he kisses deeper into your mouth, his hands are guiding you up and down his cock. Going incredibly slow, sure to bottom out each slide, Yuan creates the perfect circumstance to provoke the bubble in your gut. Prodding and prodding until he feels the tight constriction of you sucking him in, and the hollow pop! that blows when your floodgates burst, and every inkling of pleasure culminates into a divine orgasm.

That weightless feeling leaves your body and is replaced with a sinking heft. It centers in the heat of your core as your orgasm creeps out of you—weighing down your limbs until they contort stiffly and your head until it feels like it's about to roll off of your neck.

He lets you fall back onto the mattress, rocking his hips slowly out of you, making way for your cum to spill out of you. It drips in milky, sticky streams, pooling right under your ass and smearing your skin. Under the dim lighting of your shared bedroom, you look nothing short of heavenly. Every fucked up strand of hair, dried tear streak—merely reminders of how much he loves you.

What really matters is the way in which you look up at him: a sick hunger dwelling in the sparkle of your glossy eyes just begging him to give you more. Your body is his language, he is fluent in you, and he needs not a single word to be of service to you. A flash passes by and he’s kneeling over you, cradling the sides of your face with the utmost delicacy to lean into a tender kiss.

He is much more mindful of the swell in your lips and lets you take control, remembering the pressure you apply and the tongue you use…following in your lead back down the sticky path of ecstasy. It heats up almost immediately, and that buzz that once surrounded you returns.

When you part, he anchors above you, letting his hair fall out of the toppling ponytail and swing over his shoulders. The locks act as makeshift curtains and encase you in white darkness—but even in it, your beauty does not dissipate. Never will he tire of admiring you, nor will he tire of you, period. Not your look, nor your taste, nor your feeling, nor your love.

Jing Yuan will never stop loving you. He will keep making love with you, not to you, because there is so much to be had. Too much to be said in ways he cannot verbalize, but his body can.

So, even though he feels fatigue, he still dives into you with care: gently peeling your legs apart and slotting his head between your head and shoulder. “Tell me something,” he whispers against your skin, laying his body on top of you. “Tell me something you want.”

“…You. This.” You grab his face, finding his sunny eyes through the dark. “I want this to never end. Don't stop.”

Your voice is soft and worn, yet your words are heavy. Weighted with desire and ardor far beyond his imagination, and with his strength finding its way back to him, your wish is his command.

“I hear you, baby.” His fingers swim through your puffy folds, strumming along with a featherlight touch that has you gasping. The sound is visceral: a wet, slopping sound eliciting as he stirs around your clit. Your pussy weeps for him, dripping more arousal, and wails in sticky clicks, instantly rebirthing that carnivorous hunger you share. You can hear the smug smirk he cracks as he reignites your flame, kissing your shoulder while his fingers tiptoe across your entrance. “I hear you loud and clear.”

Sparks flare in your space as he presses the tip of his middle finger in—only giving you an inch in hopes of making you beg for a mile. His open-mouthed kisses across your skin leave fuzzy feelings across your body; “Hmmpphh- Yuan…” leaving your mouth in succession, not up for his teasing.

He, ever the jest, finds humor in your drawl, cracking out a dry chuckle as he nuzzles against your neck. “Mmh, love it when you beg. Do it again.”

Bucking your hips into the air, chasing the length of his finger, you whine temperamentally, “Don’t tease—”

“Aht aht—” he coos, lightly spanking your cunt. The action forces your body to jolt at the feeling, whimpering in sensitivity. “I'm in control. Beg.”

“You’re mean.” You whine, hiding your embarrassed face in the bundle of his curls. He laughs, finding humor in your humility. He further pushes your limits, pinching your clit and laughing harder at your cracking squeaks.

“I am, aren't I?”

God, he’s so infuriating, but it's hard to stay mad at him when you look at him..body like a God and a face like a nymph—he is divinely beautiful and with the sheen of perspiration casting a delectable glow on him, you're entranced. He knows what he does to you, he can see the shift in your eyes when your eyes lay upon him and he can't help but smirk…he really is so mean.

“Don’t you want me to make you feel good, babe?” He asks, trailing his finger down your leg and around to the back. His hand grips the back of your leg, hiking it onto his lap. “Have you going dumb, coming all over my cock—”

“Fuck—yes. Yes, I do,” you speak hardly above a whisper. He pulls you onto his lap, immediately reclaiming his favorite spot in the crook of your neck to nuzzle in.

His hands find their way to your waist, guiding slow gyrations over his length. You can feel the stir that you cause, and you suck in a breath, knitting your fingers through his hair and pulling him closer. Your hips move with more fire than he allows, rocking into a needy pace atop his cock in search of more friction. “C’mon..please,”

“Please what?” He asks coyly.

Your hands knotted in his hair yank his head back, pressing your lips to his, “Fuck me,” you breathe out against his lips, grinding on top of him with increased need.

“M-make me feel good, Yuan, fill me up—”

“Shit. Don’t say what you don't mean…”

“I mean it.” You blurt, using your left hand to creep under your ass and wrap around his dick. He winces at the contact and you gape your mouth against him, mimicking the silent pleasure he expresses. “Fill me up. Claim me. Ruin me for anybody else—fuck me up, please.”

Patheticness laces itself in your voice and good Lord is it hot. He’s never seen you so desperate: taking matters into your own hands and sliding down on his cock, gasping out tearily as the new angle introduces you to a new feeling of his dick. If he was stretching you before, he's ripping you open now—yet, it's the most delicious feeling you've ever felt thus far.

This needy, insatiable side of you is so fucking sexy. He can't help but encouragingly slap your ass—one, two, three harsh spanks that sting the dewy skin raw. In this moment, you are nothing less than perfect: perfectly needy, perfectly wet, perfectly gorgeous, perfectly tight, perfectly filled to the brim with thick, throbbing cock, and perfectly ready to be filled until your brain matter is replaced with his cum.

He’s going to fuck the shit out of you. You're just asking for it, throwing your head back and putting your hands on your ankles…you want to be fucked stupid. And, well, who is he to deny you?

He experimentally thrusts up into you, keen to your shrill inhale and taking note that you're still so sensitive; but you can take it, he knows you can. His dick is fat, burning a wide path through you as he crams himself deep inside you, nestling the mushroom head of his cock snug against your gummy, contracting walls.

“O-oh, God,” you whisper out, moving your hands from your ankles to his flexed abs. “S-so deep..fuck.”

“You can take it,” his arms wrap around your waist, lifting you slowly up his lengthy dick, “Know you can. This pussy was made to take me…she’s already doin' soo good f’me.” Splat. He slams you back flush against his lap, and your eyes bulge wide, the painfully pleasurable feeling pooling in your cunt racing through your veins.

You can only blurt out a choppy Fu-uck!, feeling every ounce of cognitive consciousness leak out of your pussy…your back again slumps over the hold of his arms, and you're turning into a limp fuck-doll, giving him full reign of your pace—and, oh, what a silly mistake. Yuan is unrelenting, immediately fixing a pace of mercilessly agonizing thrusts that go so slow, ensuring that every inch is felt moving inside of you. He’s become addicted to the sight of your pussy sucking around him, drinking up his width and leaving glossy streaks to pool against his pelvis.

“Nasty girl,” he chuckles. Using one hand to bring your head up, he locks eyes with your blown eyes, “Look at how good you are…takin’ allll ‘f me,” he drawls in unison with the drag of your hips.

“Pussy swallowing my dick whole..she’s a greedy little thing, isn't she?” His words are mocking and you can only whine in protest, shaking your head no.

You follow in his lead, rolling your hips in sloppy figure eights as he pulls you up and down, up and down.

“Yeeesss she is—” His breath hitches as you tighten around him. That’s the spot, that’s where you clench and guard because it’s so sensitive. But Jing Yuan’s a bully: a mean, nasty-spirited bully who gets off on seeing you cry and fall apart at his hand, so, it becomes his goal to attack your sweet spot brutishly, intensifying the power of your mutual thrusts and impaling you on his dick. “Look at ‘er, d-drooling ‘round me…”

A creamy white ring starts to wrap around the base of his cock as he digs out your foamy arousal, bringing you to the peak of pleasure. His cock swims through your hole with expertise, dragging out every semblance of sense in addition. Your mouth only senselessly dangles open, your tongue slopping out the corner and dripping drool down your chin and onto your chest…a dizzy, stupid mess that can only pant and huff out moans you have become.

Cross-eyed and limp—that’s how he’s rendered you in record time, but it doesn't even begin to express how you truly feel.

You feel like a firework: hot and excited, shaking in anticipation of the fire beneath your ass to reach its apex and explode you to the stars. You’ll paint the world in a pretty, pearlescent white that’ll take the shape of stars and hearts, mimicking the patterns that seem to rush through your veins. It's right there, building up deep and confined in your gut, and Yuan has found it, thrusts desperate to set it free.

Every word you try to speak dies in your throat, only coming out as incomplete croaks that bring a smug smile to Yuan’s lips. You dumb little thing, so lost for words…His heavy eyes say the words his mouth no longer has the capacity for, mimicking your dumbfoundedness and finding gruff moans to be his language.

It's a room of hot, unspoken quiet, only filled with the wet squelching of your pussy and the colorful sound of him churning your guts.

It's a room where the fruits of pleasure splash around, drowning the two of you in inexplicable goodness. Because it all really is just too good, it’s beyond words.

The bullying of your pathetic sweet spot is coming to a head; a grandiose culmination of every beat of pleasure swirls in your stomach and he only eggs it on, using his thumb to flick at your neglected clit. “Cum—” he can only grunt out, amplifying every movement of his tenfold. “Cum..with me—fuck!”

This is it, the light to your fuse that quickly singes the fabric of your being, running up through you to find that seedy pit that bulges in necessity to burst. The familiar feeling of your orgasm rests in your stomach and he coaxes it out, applying an abundance of pleasure to make you cum in unison.

Oh, you need it. You babble out meek please’s and needy iterations of the word cum, creating a fragmented sentence. You're so cute when you're dick-dumb; shaking and twitching as your vocabulary refuses to extend beyond single-syllable phrases, inching closer and closer to that ardent explosion.

He can feel it, too. Drive along the sloppy road of lust and crash the course, torching the land in furious flames. Cum. Cum. Cum!!

“Oh- fuck!!!” Everything blurs together—your vision slips under a cast of white hotness, the devouring void in your gut succeeding and pouring out of you, painting the surface of his tightened abdomen in an iridescent glimmer. It feels like ten tons have been lifted out of your body and you can do nothing but quake in its exit, falling limp and weak. Your body has exhausted its limit and your mind circles around a boundless void…you orgasmed your fucking brains out.

Jing Yuan huffs out weighted breaths, undergoing similar after-effects. He’s still able to think—and when his eyes catch a glimpse of his thick load bubbling from between your puffy folds, all he can think is one more time.

[heich0e]

No because thank you for putting sukuna as best friends big bro into my head. You’re the one who started it for me and I love you for it

I can’t get him out of my head. Being bullied by him as a kid and becoming besties with yuuji, growing up together until sukuna goes to college and you don’t see him for a good few years because you end up going to a different college too. Finally you come back home to visit. It’s been way too long and damn he looks fine. Shoulders have widened, his thighs are twice the size and his hands?????? Dear god, he could probably grab both your hands in one hand.

Imagine the holiday you decide to visit during is Christmas??? I wanna see him in an ugly Xmas jumper so bad

I WANT TO POUNCE ON HIM SO BAD

heheheh you r very welcome little guy!!

he bullies you looooong after you can rly be considered a kid, it's like.. the only way he knows how to communicate with you.

in my particular AU, sukuna goes away for college but when he and yuuji's grandpa dies, he drops out and moves home to take care of his little brother. you and yuuji are still only in high school at that point, but you remember seeing sukuna again for the first time at the funeral, dressed in a black suit that doesn't fit him quite right. his eyes were strangely vacant the whole time, like he was mourning the loss of more than just his only surviving parental figure, and you couldn't help but watch as he accepted the condolences offered from the attending guests with a nod or few words. that day you stuck close to yuuji, coping worse with their grandfather's passing than his older brother, but sukuna would come to check on him often throughout the wake and each time you had a hard time meeting his eyes.

you visit them frequently in the days following (it's only a few doors away after all, since you've always been neighbours.) you bring food your mother sends to them. help clean up their apartment when you can. over time normalcy returns to the itadori home—or at least a new normal. new routines replacing old ones, like a silvery scar settling into skin once a wound knits itself closed. you're happy to be a part of their life. grateful to be of help where you can. glad that their new normal includes you, too.

[angst-in-space]

6 and 29 for ao3 wrapped? 👀

6. Favorite title you used

...i'm realizing now that i only published four new fics this year so i don't have a lot to choose from lol. if we're only counting published fics then i think my fave is a short matchablossom fic i posted, "dawn goes down to day" (the title is from a robert frost poem, and that poem is quoted a lot in the outsiders which is one of my fave books, so it's sort of a double-reference lol).

if we're counting unpublished fics... i rly like the working title of my sylvix pacrim au which is "a vicious, vengeful sea" (a lyric from "black water" by of monsters and men, which is one of my fave songs!!)

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

OH MAN tbh there's like a couple lines from the sylvix dreamscape fic that i think are my fave but they're from chapters i haven't posted yet and they're very spoilery lol. so i'll go with this passage instead (also from sylvix dreamscape fic). It's a bit long so I'll put it under a Read More 🙈

ao3 wrapped

Crickets chorused in the fields, and the hush of a gentle breeze swept over the tall grass. Sylvain kept staring up at the sky, eyes flitting over the constellations as if he could see his memories written there.

“Remember when we used to drink on the roof together at Garreg Mach?”

Felix remembered. During their academy days, Sylvain would occasionally procure a bottle of wine in town and persuade Felix to drink with him at night on some secluded rooftop or wall somewhere. Although Felix always acted reluctant to go on these escapades, it was one of his fondest memories from that time.

Yes, it had been reckless and stupid—but there’d been a certain thrill to sneaking around the monastery grounds in the dead of night after curfew. There’d been something pleasant about it, too—how it was just him and Sylvain, sitting side-by-side under the moonlight, passing the bottle between them.

Even all these years later, Felix could picture it vividly: The pale glow illuminating the rooftops below and the mist above the distant mountains. The strong taste of wine on his tongue, sliding down his throat, settling warmly in his stomach. The timbre of Sylvain’s voice, lowered to a pitch that made the skin on the back of Felix’s neck prickle. Sylvain’s muffled laughter, erupting again and again no matter how many times Felix shushed him.

“What about it?” Felix asked quietly.

Sylvain inhaled the night air and let it out. “There was that one time, not too long after the war began.”

Another memory materialized: A knock on Felix’s door late one night, after they’d returned to the monastery after a harrowing battle. Sylvain’s tired smile and a bottle of wine in his hand. “What do you say, Felix? Just like old times?” Felix had somehow held back any scathing remarks. Didn’t Sylvain have a girl to seduce or something? Instead, he’d agreed without hesitation. After all the bloodshed and terrifying uncertainty they’d faced recently, he was desperate for even the slightest sense of normalcy.

“I’ve always remembered that night so clearly.” Sylvain examined the wine bottle, rubbing a thumb against the glass. Moonlight glinted off its surface.

“There was something about it... the two of us stargazing and drinking wine together. And I just looked at you, and I suddenly thought, ‘I could do this for the rest of my life.’ That was when it really hit me, I think.

“I realized that was what I wanted more than anything in the world—just to be with you, for as long as I possibly could. That I wanted to marry you.”

[yukisohmasmokesweed]

Top 10 episodes of the anime so far?

woof ok this is probably gonna be s2 heavy because i think s2 in general is better than s1 and it is also more to my tastes (i prefer the darker parts of fb) and also s2 is my favorite part of the manga haha.....and i’ll include the major beats of each ep because i personally can never remember the order and the episode naming conventions for fb eps are totally useless

10. 1x9 (haru intro)

i just love haru and he has one of my favorite character intros. its one of the funniest eps imo and haru and tohru’s dynamic is super sweet off the bat. love haru and yuki flirting, love haru and kyo’s brotherly relationship, love the insight we get into haru and yuki’s childhood. great episode all around i watch this one a lot

9. 1x2 (curse explained to tohru/yuki corners tohru at school/shigure and kyo talk)

i love this episode. definitely one of the funniest/most memorable cold opens (its tohru opening the door for the mailman with shigure kyo and yuki in tow). they do such a good and fun job setting up yuki and kyo’s relationship and the scene bw yuki and tohru in school is one of my fav scenes in the show and an amazing summation of both their characters. it sheds light very early on onto how serious the curse is and how traumatized yuki is over it as well as tohru’s inherent kindness and compassion. this scene is a huge turning point for yuki and is a convo that completely changes his life. the scene bw shigure and kyo is gorgeous as well and sets up kyo’s character arc for the season in a way i really like

8. 2x18 (shigure/rin scene/rin searching for answers/rin backstory)

definitely one of the heaviest eps yet. great shigure material in the beginning and rin’s backstory is devastating but beautifully done. visually one of my fav eps as well

7. 2x10 (kyo/momji convo/akigure fight + kureno is there/tohru finds out who akito is)

this ep has everything. kyo angst. tohru angst. akigure sexy times. shigure getting super duper mad. tohru finding out gigantic plot points. akito wearing a button up. i love this ep it was a great cap to the beach house, i love the way they solidified all three protag’s goals for the series in this ep as well. good job team

6. 2x13 (back to school/student council intros/yukeru fight)

i like this ep as a sort of return to normalcy after the very intense beach house arc. all of the stuco intros are rly funny and i looooooooooooove the yukeru fight, i think it’s super well done and actually more impactful than it was in the manga

5. 1x7 (hatori backstory)

imo the best episode of s1. the first time we see how truly dark the curse is and how deep the damage on the zodiacs can go. visually very beautiful, hatori and kana’s story was told beautifully and it’s also the first time we see what akito is capable of. also a great episode for tohru’s character development 

4. 2x4 (haru goes dark in class/kyo is torn/yuki goes to the estate)

ahhh i love this episode so much. excellent momiji shenanigans. i love finally seeing dark haru in a non-comedic way because haru’s anger issues really arent funny. haru screaming that he doesn’t want to hide anymore and accusing yuki and kyo of thinking about revealing themselves too are honestly some of the hardest hitting lines in the show. this ep also has a big big moment for yuki where he realizes that he just can’t keep repressing his memories and emotions anymore and decides to take an active role in his own healing and stop avoiding the things he is afraid of. this ep also has one of my fav shots of the season: 

WOOF. this shot just gets me every time, it feels like a gut punch. love this ep, i totally slept on it when it came out but now i watch it all the time

3. 2x21 (yuki backstory ep)

i’ve said before these are my favorite chapters and i thought they were adapted beautifully. i dont really know what else to say, this ep was a total knock out, visually stunning, voice acted beautifully....only reason it’s not higher is because its not exactly rewatch material, its sooooo heavily lmao i definitely need some space from this episode

2. 1x1 (its the pilot lol)

I LOVE THE PILOT. its so good. i love the way every character is introduced and the convo bw tohru and yuki when they walk home from school together lives on in me foreverrrrr, it’s excessively beautiful and seeing yuki struggle to keep his mask up in front of this girl who was so vulnerable in front of him is really interesting, especially in retrospect. i adore the scene where yuki invites tohru to stay with them and also kyo literally has the best character introduction in the show, get more iconic. love this ep and i watch it all the time

1. 2x7 (yuki/akito confrontation/yuki starting to realize what it is he feels for tohru/kyo telling tohru about his parents/suuuper tense akito/hatori/shigure scene/yuki/tohru beach scene)

ahhh i love this ep, its definitely my fav ep of the season so far. it has humor which i appreciate but for the most part its setting up the plot and setting yuki’s storyline into motion properly. every single interaction is incredibly layered and careful. i especially love the scene bw hatori and shigure and then bw hatori, shigure, and akito because its prime shigure scheming time. of course i love love love the tohru/yuki scene on the beach. its incredibly beautiful and meaningful and i love their relationship very much. it’s definitely been one of my favorite aspects of the season and is becoming one of my favorite facets of fruits basket as a whole!

[studylustre]

I found your blog recently and i just love it! followed you on instagram btw, such an inspiration ♥ 20. what do you want most in the world right now?

this is so so sweet of you to say, thank you so much!! 🥺🥰🥺🥰 to answer your question, honestly i just want this corona chaos to be over so everyone can be safe and health again. i know a lot of people have been seriously impacted by the virus and have lost their jobs and i just want it to blow over so everyone can all return to normalcy and not have to worry about paying bills or fending for themselves/their families. i also rly want to see exo, but that’s a just a 24/7 mood

[highlyintelligentmoss]

don't rebagel this I'm just thinking out loud a Thing about depression, for me (& I'm sure I'm not unique here) is that I spend so much time & energy fucking crawling my way toward some semblance of normalcy that when I get Bad again it seems so much easier to just give up. rationally, I know that it's cyclical & I won't feel this horrible forever, but I also know it takes a lot of work to climb out of the hole — so it's just, why bother, when I'm always, always going to end up back down in it sooner or later. like, last summer, when I was doing really badly, both my parents sat me down for A Talk. & I remember feeling like I was just screaming for a week straight & no one was listening to me — I remember telling them, it doesn't matter, bc I try so hard just to get out of bed, & even when it's not The Hardest it's still never easy. what's the point. & that sounds so insanely myopic & dramatic to ppl whose brains fucking work properly, right. like, What Is The Point Of Anything. & I sat through person after person telling me that Life Has Purpose or whatever, & very calmly & rationally asking me what I needed, what they could do to help, & then not listening to a word I said. & not trusting that actually, I fucking know what it's like in my head. so probably the worst part abt this is that my normal doesn't look like a not-depressed person's normal. my ex actually was really hung up on this — he had the same issues I do, but spent a lot of time flagellating himself bc his ultimate goal was to just not appear symptomatic, ie be Normal. he had a singular, pretty conventional view of what a Successful life was (get degree in a Safe field, get good job, buy house within a certain time frame) & would beat himself up over not being able to adhere to it. (if not for the whole, you know, gay thing, I'm 100% sure this is what would've made me end the relationship.) somewhat similarly, my mom remains 100% convinced that I'm Not Trying, ever, bc somehow she still thinks there's a ~cure. that there's some magic trick I just haven't tried yet, that if I find the right therapist & the right med I'll be just fine forever. if I have a single shitty brainfoggy day she'll jump right to, well, your meds must not be working, you need to go to counselling more often, You Were Put On This Earth To Test Me, "why don't you try", "why don't you do this [incredibly basic thing that has literally never worked for anyone with depression ever in human history/incredibly basic thing I'm actually already doing & works most of the time]", instead of like. understanding that... y'know... everyone has shitty days. also, it occurs to me now, she's one of those "life's hard! work is misery & everyone's a selfish asshole, get used to it!" ppl, so I don't rly get why she's so mystified by the mere concept of depression? (tbh it's probably just bc she's incredibly self-centered & thinks she's the One With The Real Problems Here.) a couple months ago we got in this big fight & she went on about how she doesn't think I've made an inch of progress in the last year & a half — so I gave her a list that included "returned to counselling (because you forced me to)" & also "oh yeah, don't want to kill myself like I kind of did last summer" & she just. would not. she literally just looked me in the face & repeated that she hasn't seen Progress. (THAT'S ON YOU, AT THIS POINT, MOTHER. ahem.) anyway, short story long, it sucks! I beat myself up to get to where I want me to be, let alone to where she thinks I should be. it sucks to never, ever, ever be good enough in the eyes of someone who doesn't even get that her opinion isn't fact & isn't the only one that matters. I am doing much, much better, through no one's initiative but my own (& the unwavering support of several incredible, unfailingly generous & supportive & beautiful friends) & I am fed right the fuck up with that being not just unacknowledged but dismissed over & over & over.