#/ik I'm a stranger on the internet but if I can help with anything I will (:

[lower-management]

can i get a hug?

- fly anon

What the fuck iz going on up there for you humanz to be zo dezperate-

Oh, that. True.

I guezz, you did bring a whole zwarm directly to me. Az long az you don't ztab or try to deztroy me in other wayz, you may have one.

[brainrot-stitch]

Thinking of simpler times.. (rant/vent ig)

It's nice just to like

Be able to lay in bed and stare up at the ceiling and hear the crickets outside and no electronic noises. It reminds me of the 2 hurricanes that happened a few yrs back, and like I know it's fucked up to think about because it was horrible, but at the same time it was nice in a way idk how to describe well. It was miserable and hot but I was with family and didn't have to worry or stress about people or grades.. we just kinda existed for a while. I don't want more hurricanes to happen, that would be crazy, but I miss what came after.

Idk I think I've just been getting worked up over a lot of stuff recently and ik other people have it like so so much worse so I don't rlly like to complain abt it, especially in the gc, but nights like these where it's dark and quiet and calm just really get to me I guess. Nights where I can just think about everything and cry before I have to wake up the next day and repeat everything over and over and over. Every day is so bland and numb with sudden spikes of panic mixed in and at the end of the day I barely remember it. I don't remember so so much of my life that I think I should, and I don't know why I just forget. Weather something good or something bad happens I know it will eventually be faded and forgotten just as I will one day.

I'm not really big on being remembered, I've come to accept the fact of mortality and there will be a day where we will each be thought of for the last time and that is when we're truly gone. But for the short amount of time I am remembered, I don't want to be remembered like this. Like who I am and what I do and how I act right now. I don't know what I want to be remembered like, but it's not this.

There's so many issues that seem like the end of the world, that feel inescapable, and I know they're not. I feel like I'm either just being dramatic or gaslighting myself into believing they're bigger issues than they already are. Anything could send me into a spiral that night, from the smallest issue to the biggest one. Even if not, they still have an effect on my day to day life and I don't know how to fix it. And other people are always either confused or upset but they don't understand, and I don't know how to help them understand.

It's hard to care about my grades when there is literally no point and all I do is rot all day. Even if I did care I'm not smart enough to get a college tuition, and we definitely can't pay for it ourselves. They say it's gonna leave a permanent mark that people will see on my resume, but there is a good likelihood I won't make it past adulthood with the way things are going, so why should that matter. Plus it's so so hard to focus. Even if I try I get distracted or start daydreaming or The Thoughts come back. And people will say "oh just pay attention" or "just don't daydream duh" and I cant. Like I physically cannot I am unable to do so. Plus the daydreams happen at random half the time and then I'm not in school anymore I'm in another world and everything's either going really well with things I wish would happen irl or everything is going absolutely horribly and u can't stop it. They're like "just do your work it's not that hard" I hear what you're saying but you're not hearing me bro. I can't 'just do it' and nobody seems to understand that except specific strangers on the internet.

There's other issues too but I am too scared to share them on tumblr rn and I know this may seem kinda dumb but if I live on this will affect me for life but it's so so numb and I'm so SO tired allll the time and sleep never helps at all and I literally just rot all day...

Literally the only reason I take care of myself at this point is so people don't judge me and idk if that's normal or not but I'm assuming it's not.. like if I have to go somewhere ill take a shower and brush my teeth and wash my face and put on perfume n shit but if not I will have a 'self care day' but idk if it's self care if the only thing I do is rot in bed all day and only get up to go to the bathroom or (sometimes) get food/water. I sleep so much and the days all blur together and it's so so so soo bad in summer. I think I have like reverse seasonal depression bc like when it's cold and dark and raining I THRIVE like never before (even if the constant tired doesn't go away, even if everything still sucks and I still hate the people I care about the most) it's just so nice. But in summer when it's hot and miserable and humid and my ac doesn't work and you can feel the mosquitos it is such a fucking low for me idk how to even describe it. When when we get the 2 months off for summer break it's so bad bro I think that's one of my lowest points excluding being in school when it's hot. If I didn't have church I know I would go those 2 months and not take care of myself at all and ik it sounds gross and it is and I hate it but why even try if I just fucking rot on my bed like a useless ass beached whale.

The crickets are gone

I miss them 💔

I don't get why it's so hard to sleep when I'm so so fucking tired or why I rot all day or why I'm so fucking angry and irritable all the time for no reason and it sucks ass tbh. And idk why I can't fucking do things like normal people can or why I think differently or why my thoughts are so fucked up and I disappoint the people I love. I don't really wanna do this anymore, I don't wanna be here much longer, but I know I have to because if I do it it'll break them in ways they will never be able to fix, and I don't wanna be that selfish. I want to help people, I want to be confident, and I wanna make people smile. I want to be able to ignore the daydreams, to block out the characters in my head and The Thoughts that I hate so much, and I wanna stop doing shit like this when I don't deserve it.

But sometimes all you can do is find a cold, dark, and quiet place, and think for a while.

Sorry for the long post gang, see yall with a silly goofy post another day <3

[the-soup-group]

if y'all ever wanna talk about maybe having headmates (thats what I call the ppl in my head lol) my dms/askbox is open, I'm not like an expert or anything but from what I can tell you guys might be going through the same thing that we went through a while back.

ik im just a stranger on the internet, and im not trying to get your personal information or something to blackmail you with, but it can be scary as hell figuring this stuff out, and sometimes an outside voice can help

pls dont feel obligated to respond to this if it makes you anxious or anything

hey, thanks so so much for this! i’m honestly just very confused, but it’s super comforting to know i’m not alone ig. it would be really nice to have someone to talk to about this – i’m just scared i’m like. faking this whole thing for a bunch of reasons and i know how harmful that can be to a community. but that’s really kind of you and i’d really love an outside voice on the whole thing agshdjdj

[gordonfreemanreal]

hey man your posts arent doing anything to help this and i am very politely asking you to please stop talking about me. i only told *two* of my friends *in private* about you agreeing with the anon that i was "weird" (said anon also implied i was a pedophile) out of extreme upset (because i was in a very bad paranoia filled mental health crisis and still am because of this) and they did their own thing completely seperate from me. i didnt ask them to do anything. you continuing to talk and joke about this is making things far far worse for me mentally right now and its further contributing to my abysmal mental state. my life was ruined. i dont need to see people making fun of me while i am having one of the most traumatic experiences of my entire life. please stop. thanks.

ur adult fucking friends started harassing me and getting fucking strangers involved to try and bypass my blocks. you are ALSO doing this. i am making posts untagged and on my fucking blog. i can talk about whatever the fuck i want on MY blog. again i'm sorry ur going thru shit. i am! but my fucking god man LEAVE ME ALOOOONNNEE. i am NOT your friend and i am NOT responsible for YOURRR mental state! INFACT. I HAVE SAID. MULTIPLE TIMES. THAT I WANT TO MOVE ON FROM THE TOPIC!!!

also ur life is not ruined dude. ik it feels like it is but like. this is the internet! you can make new blogs and new identities. i understand why ur feeling like this but you're coming over here to MY blog when i am the absolute LEAST of ur worries. I have said multiple times that i do not condone the rumors being spread abt you because they suck. what do i have to say to make that stick?? go to those twitter freaks and harass them; at least they actually DID something bad. all i did was point out that the screencaps you used were shitty evidence for your point.

TDLR; stop guilt tripping strangers for your mental state. my god.

[lemememeringue]

okay so we all know it's gross and wrong to ever expect or ask someone to censor or add disclaimers to their own bodies that are just existing out there,, so what actually are some good ways to engage w ppl whose appearances are triggering without making the other person feel uncomfortable?

I think the answer involves exposure therapy, which I am familiar with, but I don't know how to safely use the techniques in this sense.

[mallowstep]

this is like a super weird. question but do you have any tips wrt finding people to talk to about warrior cats stuff 🥲 i have no wc friends i swear

irl or online?

irl good fucking luck. my friends nod along for matthew's weekly hour-of-cat-talk, mostly.

online u just gotta talk to people. literally everyone i know hates starting conversations but like. wants to talk to people. ik i am slowly ascending into grumbly old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn, but i swear i'm actually a very chill person i am just also very tired.

i think i reblogged a post abt the difficulty of finding fandom friends earlier (which might b what inspired this), but like. i honestly got SUPER lucky that i've made wc friends. before this i had fandom friends n we shared experiences, but we weren't in the same fandoms at ALL. most of my friends r in other fandoms n talk about them w each other, i consume one (1) piece of media.

(altho i've felt like shit for a few days so i might FINALLY start watching killing eve.)

anyway, yeah. you just gotta talk to people. some safety/advice/etc. type tips that won't help you make friends but will help you make good ones:

personally i do not believe in giving out discord on a first date, so to speak. we will chat on tumblr dms until i feel like ur a real person. every step closer to ur inner circle of information, the more u risk.

try to make sure ur not getting attached to an anti. like. it sucks to find out that you are, and it's better for everyone if you do a quick search of their blog. if you guys don't know how to do that effectively lemme know and i'll give u a tutorial.

i can't give discord server joining advice bc i'm in one (1) discord server n it's a group chat basically. some of my friends have been burned in servers tho so just b careful.

usually one person can introduce u to others but it might b a slow process.

this is weirdly specific but i don't think the Fastest road to friendship is by making someone something. dgmw i love when people make me things n i love making things for my friends (even if i'm super slow about it sorry "bestow all grace upon my song" will one day be published), but i think it's just like. not the best way to establish a connection. i think this will make sense but i don't know how to explain it? i'm not saying like. u've ruined ur chances at friendship if you do that. i'm just saying i think u can Slow it Down.

reaching out is fucking hard but i was literally just like. i am so grateful to the people who have started a conversation w me? they are near and dear to my heart. if you feel weird abt starting a conversation that's valid but for like. reassurance. it's always hard but people (generally) want to talk.

also just. b direct. say "u seem cool i want to b ur friend. here's some of my thoughts on something we're both interested. [thoughts]." you don't have to be quite that direct but there's nothing like a message you don't really get the point of. maybe i'm just autistic but "i'm reaching out because you seem cool and i want to make friends" goes over MUCH better to me than almost anything else.

lastly: remember that they're still an internet stranger. it takes time to get to know people. my friends certainly know more about me than y'all know, but you can't like. drop shit on someone first conversation. be careful about how you open up. good people won't push you for more than you're comfortable with, etc.

best of luck anon!

[johnwickmorelikejohnthicc]

i'm at the point where i'm gonna start rambling on here when things start building up. yeah its sad ik just dont read it. this is for me.

i'm just so tired.

family drama, schoolwork on summer break, being pressured into finding colleges and scholarships (especially as the first one in my family to go away to college), my dog starving himself for no apparent reason, my grandmothers declining health and my grandfather in the hospital, watching my mom crumble under the stress- its all so much. and i'm so tired.

i'm the rock in my family. i try to be a model for my sister and a helper for my mom and dad. i'm the friend in the group who has their life together, who has nothing to complain about. and i really don't. i have a good life with a good family in a nice house. it's just that the little things pile up.

the biggest little thing is that my father is loudly homophobic and i'm a closeted bisexual, but i saw that coming. i live in the deep south, so it's not a shocker. it really only bothers me when he drops the slurs. it's not what's causing me to cry once a week or once a day or whenever.

i guess i'm just going through that growing up stage. my dad isn't my superhero anymore. my older brother isn't the idol i thought he was. my mom is stressed to her breaking point and i can't help. my little sister is a teenager too. friends grow apart and lie because people are assholes.

and even though i'm surrounded by all these people, i've never felt more alone in my life.

my friends hardly talk to me anymore unless i initiate contact. they all have better people to talk to, better people to hang out with. i've always been last on the list, but it's painfully obvious now. i guess i'm tired of that.

my family are at each other's throats. there's fake smiles and fake i love yous. i hear everyone complaining about everyone else so much that i don't even know my own opinions. i'm just hoping they the facade up for my baby neice. she doesnt need to see the nastiness yet.

my dog is... a mess. he used to be strictly outside, just because he hated being cooped up, but week or so ago he stopped eating. he's skin and bones. he sleeps all day, and we're scared to take him the vet. i don't want to put my dog down, especially since i *know* he's not suffering. i can see it in his eyes. i raised this dog since i was in 4th grade. he's been with me through hard middle school years, my first fake friend, my first break up. even though he was outside, he was always there for me. now that we're keeping him inside, i've cried into his fur more times than i can count. losing him is the most heartwrenching thought i've had in a while. i love my dog more than i love myself. i know he's going to die, but its still a devastating thought.

i don't even have motivation to write or draw anymore. it used to be my favorite thing to do, but now i just do my summer work or more chores, or i box until i feel like passing out. i don't do anything for fun anymore. the only time i take for myself is to drive and listen to music and imagine what realities my comfort characters are living right now, even if its just to not think for a minute. then again, gas where i live is 450, and i don't have a job. i can't be spending money i dont have.

and yeah, i know these are all first world problems. i know that my country is a shitshow and, as a woman, i'm losing rights rapidly. i know i shouldn't be focusing on this small shit. i know that so many people have it worse than me and i have no right to complain. like i said, i'm not writing this to get any fucking sympathy or pity. i don't want that. i just want to talk without feeling guilty about it like i do when i get real with everyone else. you guys are just strangers on the internet. if you're reading this, it means youre geniunely curious and i'm not holding you hostage.

i guess my base point is that i'm just tired. i'm tired of coming to brutal realizations that my family isnt as strong as i thought it was, and that my friends don't love me nearly as much as i love them. maybe i need to get out of the house. maybe i need to sleep for a day. maybe i just need to scream and cry without being judged.

part of me wants to be 18 to get out of here. most of me is horrified, because i know that if its this bad at 17, it can only get worse.

anyways, if you read this far, congratulations. you made it through a teenagers pathetic diary post. i don't think i described this very well, but who fucking cares lmao.

i'll probably delete this out of shame in a few days. or maybe i'll leave it up for some poor bastard who feels like their problems arent worth crying over. idk. i'll think about it.

[bakugou-ou]

Ik I'm anon and all, but I don't wanna get off it because the embarrassment would probably make it worse. I'm just tired of life… mines is pretty useless if you ask me, and according to everyone else who if ever met, I'm ugly too, I wouldn't kill myself because I'm too much of a coward to do that, but I don't know what I wanna do with my life and I can never be happy without someone ruining it That's why you and other creators' story helps me, it makes me think about my dram life I'll never get

Listen, friendo, whoever you are, you’re not ugly, and not useless. You don’t need to come off anon if you don’t want to, I get it. This is gonna get v personal here in a sec, so I’m putting the rest of this down under a cut in case no one gives a shit about my personal life and doesn’t wanna see my tragic anime backstory, but I’m sharing it with you because you said that you like my writing. This is the story of how I ended up running this blog, it’s got lots of talk about suicide, mentions of rape. It’s not pretty, so read at your own risk. Also, it’s long.

When I was four years old, I tried to jump off the balcony of my apartment, I wanted to die. It wasn’t a kid doing a stupid thing, I literally thought if I fall from this height and hit my head on the ground, I will die and then went for it. I fell onto a 7ft tall cinder block mailbox on the way down, four feet below my balcony, crawled off of it, and walked back upstairs to my parents like nothing had happened. 

What was wrong that someone barely past toddlerhood wanted to kill themselves over? I don’t know, maybe it was just that my parents were fighting all the time and hated each other, maybe it was because I have the genes for it. More on that last bit later.

When I was six, I tried to throw myself in front of a car, thinking that if a small child like myself got hit by a car going 25+ mph, I’d die. The driver hit the brakes, I played it off like I’d tripped into the road, no one knew how I really felt. When I’d told my parents I wanted to die, they thought I was being dramatic, they didn’t think a kid my age even knew what that meant, the finality of it. But I knew, and I craved it.

When I was eight, I tried to hang myself in my older sister’s bedroom with her sheets. She found me, took me down before I blacked out, and we never spoke about it again after that night. I was pissed with my sister for saving me, I cried and punched her as she held onto me.

When I was twelve, I tried to eat a bottle of Xanax, thinking it would kill me. It didn’t, it just made me really, really fucking sick. Not sick enough to go to the hospital, but very sick. I had no lasting organ damage, but I still wanted to die.

When I was fourteen, my boyfriend dumped me over the phone on a day he was supposed to come to my house, and ignored me while I cried. He had me on speaker phone, actually, and his friends were laughing about it and I could hear them. I could hear him laughing along with them. So, I decided to eat a bottle of asprin for dinner a couple of weeks later. I was stupid, it didn’t work, and I was hospitalized in the mental ward for 2 weeks.

When I was seventeen, I had just left an abusive relationship, graduated high school, and my mom told me that my ex raping me repeatedly for 9 months was my fault and that I was asking for it by continuing to date him the whole time. I was too scared to leave, I had been told by a counselor at school that no one would believe me. I tried to eat all of my antidepressants. I was hospitalized for 3 weeks in the mental ward.

When I was eighteen, I tried to do that same thing again, in conjunction to another thing my mom said about my abuser. My cousin had been raped while studying abroad, and she was talking about poor cousin, your poor cousin, it’s so traumatic, but when I mentioned that I’d been abused for three quarters of a year and no one batted an eye, she told me I was being selfish, and that my time for being the victim was over. How dare I detract from my cousin. So, again, I tried to eat a bottle of pills. I was hospitalized for one week in the psych ward.

Earlier this year, at the age of twenty, I was hospitalized because I felt like I was going to slit my wrists if I stayed home. So I checked myself into the hospital. I was there for a week while my doctor tried to find better meds for me because clearly mine weren’t working. My mom had told me that she was ashamed of my sexuality and my gender identity, and the rape issue came up again, with her saying I wanted it, that I let it happen.

I have bipolar II, borderline personality disorder, OCD, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and selective eating disorder. A lot is messed up with me. I get the anxiety from my mother, and the bipolar II from my father. The PTSD was a gift from my ex boyfriend, and the rest I just ended up with.

When I was a little kid, I loved books; my father read all sorts of books to me, all the time. Artemis Fowl was the first series we read, then Harry Potter, then my mother read me the Chronicles of Narnia, then my father read me A Series of Unfortunate Events. We also read other books, things that weren’t series. I loved reading, and I wanted to write things that made people feel the way I felt about the stuff I read. 

Both of my parents are naturally talented writers. At the age of six, I began to write fan fiction for Harry Potter. I was way too young to be on the internet, but I was online writing fanfics on snitchseeker. Some of the only validation I found in my life was from random strangers on the internet, encouraging me to continue writing and complimenting my plot lines, even if my grammar and spelling were atrocious; on the internet, no one knows you’re a little kid writing Drarry fanfic.

I was a really athletic kid, so I didn’t spend all my time writing, but a good chunk of my free time was spent writing if I wasn’t surfing, playing soccer, or skateboarding. I didn’t have a lot of friends, I wasn’t likable, apparently, and I had a really hard time in school. I got into a lot of fights because people picked on me, but I was always the one who got in trouble for defending myself. It pissed me off. I developed issues with authority. I wrote in composition books to escape all the crap around me.

By the time I turned 11, writing was my life. I had just moved to California from Hawaii, my life was basically turned upside down, and I was miserable. So, I made a myspace account, wrote fanfic on there, and threw myself headlong into it. I have a fanfiction.net account I’ve long since forgotten my username and password for, but it’s out there with dramione fanfic, sasusaku, things that I liked at the time. I need to escape everything happening around me. My dad, my best friend, wasn’t anywhere near me, my mom was a bitch, and my demented grandmother moved in with us. It was miserable.

By the time I was 15, the only hobby I had outside of practicing for orchestra, was writing. I laid in bed on days off and just sat on my laptop, writing. I stopped publishing things after I got a mean comment once, my first one ever. It bruised the ego I didn’t even have so badly that I refused to publish anything for three years.

When I was 18, I published my first fanfic in 4 years. It was a Criminal Minds fanfic, featuring an OC and Spencer Reid. I was so fucking proud of it, and while lots of people loved it, a lot of people said mean shit. So, I posted Loki fanfic, which got infinitely more love, and then I did an alternate version of my Criminal Minds fic, that one got even more hate than the original. Then I published a Wallander fanfic. I haven’t touched them in 3 years, despite people asking me for more.

Up until this time last month, I never showed my writing to anyone. I kept everything to myself, hidden, I was ashamed of it. It is my only coping mechanism, but I couldn’t share it with anyone. My parents had my computer passwords up until I was about 16, sometimes they’d look through my text files and come to me later and tell me how amazing my writing was, and encourage me to publish it. But I never believed them.

On a whim, I started this blog; I love Boku no Hero Academia, it has given me something to look forward to every week. I live Chapter to Chapter, episode to episode, I track my time with it, it’s a coping mechanism. I saw that there was a decently active fandom on here, and I wanted to be a part of it. I hesitated on making the blog for a few weeks, thinking that no one would want to read my writing.

A month later, there are nearly 600 people here, constantly asking me to write scenarios and headcanons for them, telling me they love my writing, and think I’m a nice person, and that they’re glad I’m here. Every time I get a message like that, I cry. I never thought anyone would ever care about my writing, let alone write it. When I got a single follower that wasn’t a friend I know in real life, I cried. I was so excited. When I got my first request, I was so, so excited. When people began sending more stuff in, when people started talking to me and wanting to be friends, I cried. I’ve made a dozen friends on here as a direct result of their writing, and my writing.

I love running this blog, and I love writing for everyone. I have felt useless and like a waste of space my entire life, I’ve been told that my entire life, I’m made to feel like that every day of my life even now by the people around me, save for my friends, but when I log on here, I’m reminded that hey, maybe I’m not useless. If I manage to make even one person happy with what I do, that’s all I want.

So, you saying that my writing helps you, helps me. All I’ve ever wanted in life is to make other people happy, to please them, and my writing is apparently doing that. I’m really, really lucky to be in this position.

Even if you don’t have something like this, you’re not useless. You should be here. I know you said you’d never kill yourself because you’re too cowardly, but I’ve never seen suicide as cowardly, but that’s probably because I’ve tried to do it so many times. I’ve made a total of 8 attempts in 21 years. I don’t think I’ll be trying it again, though. It’s taken me 21 years to find something that I’m kind of maybe a little good at, that makes me even a tiny bit happy, and that does some good for other people, too.

Shit sucks, life is really awful, and I completely understand the plethora of reasons any given person would feel like wanting to die. I’ve never thought it unreasonable or dramatic to feel that way, it’s just how some people feel. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life until 3 years ago, and even now I’m unsure if it’s really what I want to do with my life. I’ve got a lot going on behind the scenes that makes me feel like shite, and a lot of the time, the people around me try to ruin what little I have that I enjoy and that makes me happy…

Even with all that happening, somehow, I’m still here, and I’m writing this. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I get your feelings, I hear you, they’re valid, and I love you, stranger. Because I feel the same way as you all the time. This blog is my escape from that. It’s really the only thing I have keeping me from my intrusive thoughts.

If you never come off anon, that’s fine, but if you need to talk about things, I’m here for you, or anyone else who needs it. Really, if I can even try to help, I’ll do my damnedest to help. I hate seeing other people feeling as junk as I do on a daily basis, I want to try and make it better. If being a friend, even if I don’t know who you are, helps, I want to help. If writing things helps, I want to do it. But, for me, it’s not just helping other people, it’s helping myself. You coming into the box helped me. So, you’re not useless. You’re keeping me here, too.

[bi-rising]

since ppl are telling you how they feel i thought i would too lol. idk if this is just me but i have the lowest self-esteem and like, i've always forced myself not to fall in love? bc ik there's no point as it would be unrequited. so whenever someone wants to sleep with me or go out (it's only happened twice), i feel like i now have to force myself to like them because the wall i've built to protect myself from heartbreak is thick asf. but now idk if i truly like people (bc it didn't happen naturally and i was like "i have to make myself fall for whoever comes my way since i'm so unlikable and it my be my only chance") or if i don't and i'm just using them not to be alone. this has also made me doubt my bisexuality bc, do i really like everyone or is it that i want to have more chances at love? a mess, honestly.

honestly i've gotten more asks in the past like three days than i've gotten since i started out on tumblr so idk why ppl are sending stuff like this, but it's kind of fun in a weird way adjfalkf it's like i'm microdosing on internet clout 🖐️😳

also, sorry in advance for the long reply, i got carried away aldsfkjasdk

but anyway, would it be too cliche to say i feel like you're just describing me?? aksjldfaskdf i had like,,,,,five dates in high school, and one was bc his first choice of date couldn't come and he didn't want to waste the money from the tickets he bought, one was bc i asked him for a girl's choice dance, and one was bc my friends managed to convince him to ask me out so i could go to senior prom, bc my mom wouldn't let me go without a date. and that's literally all the dates i've ever had, and i'm 22 now with all my friends getting married D:

so yeah. i totally understand what you mean. it's incredibly difficult to live believing that you will be lucky to find someone to care about you. i genuinely believe there is true damage that can be done if you don't experience dates and stuff at an early enough age (like high school, not like, u know, 12-13 or whatever) bc you really don't learn how to handle those situations, how to approach them, and how to deal with the times when you aren't currently involved with someone. it makes you doubt that you're worth anyone's time, and it makes you think that, if anyone shows any desire towards you at all, you have to accept it bc that's the only chance you're ever gonna get. and it gets even worse if you're not part of the 'accepted' demographic, i.e. you're not conventionally attractive or you're neurodivergent or lower class or anything like that. so yeah, i totally understand how you feel, and you're not alone. it's a terrible thing to experience, and i wish that no one had to go through what you n I feel like regarding this. it really makes you doubt everything you know, both about yourself and about other people

regardless, i want you to know this, even tho it might not mean much coming from an internet stranger: you ARE worthy of being loved. you are worthy of finding someone that YOU love. i cannot say for certain that you or i or anyone else will find someone to love forever, because that's unrealistic and can also be damaging, however: you will always deserve to be happy. single or dating, married or divorced, with no dates or a hundred dates under your belt. you are bi regardless of your dating status, you are bi regardless of if you find 'the one' or not, you are bi regardless of your self esteem. you have worth as a person, not just as a romantic partner, and one day, you will find happiness, one way or another.

i'd also like to apply a trick for neurodivergency i learned to this scenario. i want you to pretend to be angry. seriously--pretend you're angry at something. i'll give you a second. okay. noticed how you KNEW you were pretending? now pretend to be happy. see, you KNEW you were pretending there, too!! you can't fake an emotion without knowing that you're faking an emotion. this is what i use when i worry that i'm faking my adhd--you cannot subconsciously fake something. it just isn't possible. it's the same for sexualities. you cannot fake being a sexuality without knowing that you're faking. and the same for liking a person. you can't pretend to like someone without knowing that you're pretending. faking and pretending are conscious, willing actions. you legitimately cannot slip your way into accidentally faking an emotion, a sexuality, a neurodivergency--anything like that. you will always know, for certain, because that's just how brains work.

anyway. i know this was long but hoo boy, it really struck a chord with me. and again, even tho i know u don't know me, i hope that knowing you're not the only one struggling with something like that will help, at least a little bit!! and i do wish you a very bright and happy future, and my inbox is open if you ever want to keep talking about this or anything else :3