#//i love how detailed you described his thought process and hope my post matched-

[swiftscion]

[ Mulled wine ] - Warm red wine spiced to perfection, ideal for staving off winter’s chill.

“Now this is something I can enjoy.”

Kliff approached the drinks table to see that the wine was brought out. He was rather fond of the more refined foods—aged cheese, caviar, and the like. Those, however, were rather expensive and difficult to come by. For the young mage, nothing topped a nice glass of bitter red wine.

And this was also a good chance to get a new brooch, of course.

He eyed the nearby people as he picked up and poured himself a glass. Among them one stood out more than the others—perhaps due to the fact that, from behind, she looked far less imposing than the other figures about. Or maybe it was the fact that she seemed a little less enthusiastic about the actual activities. Even better, she also had a brooch that Kliff lacked. He had found his next goal; the owner of the String of Pearls.

A quick approach, weaving through the crowd. Footsteps light so as not to spill the wine. Arrival. A glance from the lady. Eye contact. Now words. “Excuse me, but would you be interested in exchanging brooches?” A question in response. “Do I have anything? Well, I have my White Feather.” Disappointment. “...not enough? Oh, uh…” Disappearance. No brooch. Not an option.

Perhaps it would be wise to bring more than just my own brooch … perhaps she’ll enjoy a glass?

He poured out another, bubbles rising—bursting—as the dark red liquid clashed with the edges of its new host. Now with two glasses in hand, he made his way to the hero, who’s status he was unaware of.

“Hey,” he opened rather casually, “Not very fond of social gatherings? I’m not, at least.”

Just get it over with, Kliff. Pearls and wine in one go.

“I came to ask for an exchange of brooches, but … I also brought a glass of wine—if you’re interested.”

For Larcei, the game of brooches was all a bit beneath her. A long-time student, she had already received her fair share of prizes from the Ethereal Ball. Most of them weren’t any good. Maybe this year would offer her a half-decent sword, but the natural counter-thought was that she already had several half-decent swords–and plenty of excellent ones. Trumping them all, however, was the stellar Brave Sword passed to her by her mother. Nothing this stupid stamp goal could offer her would take its place.

But seeing Kliff put a smile on her face. It must’ve looked way different to him, from her moody resting expression. “Yeah, I can tell. You didn’t even drop me your name, or anything…” Not that she could fault the guy. She was just at a dessert table, away from everyone else. Helping oneself to a baker’s dozen candied fruits without anyone to share them with gave off sad. She probably didn’t seem the type to care who or what he was.

“Just desperate for my pearls. I’ll give it to you, but next time?” The wine was snatched from between his fingers, and promptly hit against his glass, “Feel free to come up ‘n ask. This stuff’s meant to be given out, y’know.” 

In its place, she slipped him her pearl string. It looked just as dazzling and sterile as the hundreds of others that glittered in the torchlight. Congratulations to Kliff, who became one of the many others donning a technicolor sheen. “I’m big on repaying debts, so for this,” she took a sip of her drink to draw attention to it. It was so gross she thought to retch, but then again, that was sort of the point with alcohol, “you can come to me for a favor. Ask for Larcei, Blue Lions House.” 

She was quite convinced she hadn’t seen that one before, and if she was lucky, maybe they’d be classmates. But, probably not. Even if he was new, she believed she’d have caught wind of his existence at least once in class. Probably just an Eagle or something. 

In any case, she smirked to herself as she took her second swig of the drink. She was quite content to help some poor soul on his quest for a ballroom prize, and prayed they could offer him something of value. 

[snickiebear]

yo nadia <3333 i'm bored in my online classes and u reblogged the questions thingy at the right time lmao, so get ready: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 17, 23, 24, 28, 30!!!, 34, 38, 39, 40 (the intimacy of being understood) (imma stop here lol) (also i'm sorry u're not feeling well, ily and hope u'll feel better soon!! <33333)

ELE ILY. (and thank you, i’m stayin home today cause,,, yeah. i appreciate you sm.) you’re the literal best, i adore you. 

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

The first fanfiction i read was for The Lunar Chronicles when I was like 11?? and it was 100% on accident and it scarred me because it was a hardcore porn one with a period kink and i was like WHAT IS THIS??? OH MY GOD???? LMAOOOOO i didn’t pick it back up until i was 13-14 and really got into the Fairy Tail fandom. I still reread my favorites on ff.net cause i love them. 

As for writing, I wrote a horrible, terrible x-men fanfiction when I was twelve. (my friend still brings it up and REFUSES to delete it so it still gets comments and views, that shit HAUNTS ME ELE.) then tried again for Fairy Tail, posted like two chapters before taking it down cause i wasn’t really feeling it. And then I posted The Intimacy Of Being Understood and here we are. 

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

OMGG okok 

@murd3rm1ttens ‘s The Problem How Time Works IF YOU HAVENT READ THIS YOU GUYS NEED TO HOP ON IT ASAP. MITTEN’S WRITING SO SO SO SO GOOD. SAKURA AND INO ARE TOTAL BADASSES. KAKASHI IS A SIMPPPP. ITS SO FUCKING GOOD. 

@mouseymightymarvellous ‘s We Were Screaming In Color (Only A Possibility) yes, yes I KNOW. i always point into mousey’s direction but i WILL always advocate that everyone reads her fics, they’re literally so beautiful???? i just happen to be rereading WWSIN rn 

@safelycapricious ‘s Shaking Up And Breaking Down series. I found this like?? idfk but i’ve been raving about it ever since. ALSO CHECK OUT THEIR FICS IN GENERAL. 

fuck i have more than three but also check out @ambivalens999 ‘s Masks

i do wanna make a fic rec thing where i just rav about my favs,,, might do that later or sum

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

Omniscient third person. I don’t like it. Like I can understand that it can be a little hard to stay in one person’s perspective but, in my opinion, if you can, it shows how disciplined you are as a writer. Plus, i just get so confused when I go from A’s thoughts to suddenly what B is thinking about A. 

When writers use ‘ ‘ instead of “ “. When writers put thoughts in ‘ ‘ instead of just italicizing them. It’s small things but like they just bother me sO MUCH. most of the time i can ignore it and try to enjoy but other times i just dip. 

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

@espoir-et-reves !!!!! THEIR SHISAKU FICS ARE SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. And they have a warring states one going on THAT I AM SO OBSESSED WITH. 

@writer168 idk if they’re really “underrated” but THEY HAVE SUCH GREAT FICS ON AO3. Like theres an AU with sakura, kiba, and shino that i reread constantly because it just. is. so. fucking. GOOD. and they posted a new one that i’m YELLING about. 

@eggtoasties okay they only have 2 in the naruto fandom (one shisaku which is still ongoing) BUT THEIR WRITING STYLE IS SO NICE?? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I still go back and reread their shikasaku one cause UGH i can’t get enough. I love it. 

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Fandoms: Naruto, Soul Eater, The Old Guard, ATLA

Parings: KakaSaku/ShikaSaku/ShiSaku/MultiSaku, SoMa, Joe X Nicky, Zukka

Character: SAKURA. I will read anything with Sakura as the main character and her being a fuckin badass or becoming a badass. I love her.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

aha.. haha.. well. I check my email like three times an hour. its the first thing i check in the mornings too. I’m literally a whore for praise and literally eat up feedback like its going out of style. I also reread a lot of my stuff because i make so many mistakes and spelling errors, or the spacing is weird oR SOMETHING. plus, literally any and all comments make my day, i go back and reread them cause they just make me feel so tingly and warm like “wow. this person enjoyed the fic/my writing enough to tell me. thats HUGE!”

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

Angry, feral, bloodied, morally gray women. They aren’t bad guys, they’re probably the good guy, but that doesn’t mean they cant be fucking raging at the world with raw knuckles and blood on their teeth. I just love an angry woman who struggles with her emotions and just has so much inner conflict but that doesn’t take away from her character or badassery, it adds to it. 

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

The fake dating or miscommunication troupe. LIKE GUYS JUST TALK. AND TELL EACH OTHER OMFG. the entire like obliviousness of “nah they dont like me” while the They holds their hand and kisses their cheek. MOFO WHAT. it makes me so impatient and like mad HAAHHAHA. its probably because i’m a pretty confrontational person so seeing stuff like that just “cmon bro, USE YO HEAD.”

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

I have yet to receive a negative comment! Which i was really surprised about tbh. As for deadlines or pressure to update, i just kind of do whatever. I do set goals, but i set them flexible enough that hey, if i can’t do it, that’s okay. 

I have a lot of mini goals, like “i want to write this chapter and get it done this week” and then the large goal is “FINISH BY END OF MAY” so i have time. 

Actually, now that I think on it, the entire pressure to update thing is probably why i’m waiting until I have all of OL&W written to post it weekly,, cause well. I wouldn’t wanna leave you guys waiting as I tried to write and work out the next chapters and stuff, you know?

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

AAAAAA YOU KNOW I LOVE THESE AHAHAHAH

Have you seen the way the dead dance, World Breaker? They roar, half mad and starving. Do you not wish, do you not hope to see them twist and bend and dance to your will?

Shikamaru snarls, looking behind his shoulders to where his Shadows lay. “Patience.” He spits. “Is of the essence, Things of Ancient. Know your place as the dark you are.”

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

None of my experiences match up to anything I write tbh,,, probably the only thing that is me in my writing is maybe the emotional turmoil? I’m pretty emotionally and mentally mature because from a pretty young age i started forming my own opinions, started looking into the world around us and being like “dude what the fuck this is not what disney advertised”. Then i started talking (read: arguing and debating) with my dad about a lot of it. So, like emotions are kind of hard for me. Like i’m pretty good at controlling them or understanding them, but still. idk its hard to explain ig.

Like the weight of stress, the anger, the sadness. It’s kind of therapeutic to write. Cause i don’t know how to put those feelings to verbal words so writing them really helps. 

As for my readers’ image? Probably like some kind of hunched over figure typing away in the dark with a maniacal grin on their face. I honestly don’t know AHHAHAHA but it is fun to think about. I think they’d see me as someone with potential but a lot of room to grow and someone who is imperfect but in a charming way LMAOOOO

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

I’m gonna be real honest. Its probably like a 2. I’m a bit of a control freak so I almost always go in chronological order, my writing is pretty linear. Unless, i get bored and jump to one of my fav parts. It's pretty much i sit down, i open the doc, read over my notes and just start writing. 

It’s a little boring to explain AHAHAHA but once i get into the groove of things its really fucking great, I can like feel myself in the world, I can feel what i want the characters to, i love it. I catch myself mouthing the words as i type too, which i find hilarious.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I rather like how raw my writing is sometimes. Which might sound really vain, but i do like the way i word things or describe things. I love juxtaposition and repetition, or making a good ole circle back to some minute detail that wouldn’t stand out until i repeat it at the end and you’re like “omg” AHAHAHAHA.

Like those little poetic snippets or certain wording i just sit back and go “damn thats kinda good nadia! go you!’ HAHAHA  

40. How did you come up with the idea for The Intimacy Of Being Understood?

AAAAA this fic is like my first child, my pride and joy LMAO

so the idea initially came when i was reading some fic, idk if it was even naruto, but i was like “i don't like this, but i do like the rain symbolism.” And I knew i wanted to write something kind of slow paced, something a little sad and angsty, but would show KakaSaku slowly but surely falling in love.

Idk if you’ve noticed but a lot of my fics, the pairings don’t change each other dramatically. They accept each other as they are and then they grow with together. Like that acceptance is something i just love writing, its so subtle, it isn’t something you declare. Its simply “I am going to love you. I am going to love you despite your flaws and faults. I am going to love you unconditionally because I know you, I understand you, and there is nothing you could do to drive me away.” 

The fic kind of wrote itself after that first scene. I kept going back to the rain, go being ghosts, and resurrection, and the small epiphanies one gets. I wanted to focus on each character’s growth with each other. They didn’t find light in life because of each other, but with each other. And i think that’s my favorite thing about that fic. 

I wanted something raw and real and just something beautiful. I’m actually really proud of it tbh. Would i go back and rewrite/edit it? Oh of course! I’d do that with every single one of my fics, but i’m not gonna cause i think its in its rawest form right now. :))))

ask me shit plz

[buccigang-headcanons]

La Squadra Backstories!!!! Stream of consciousnesss style!

So literally I just sat down and wrote down exactly what I thought. I have not edited these at all lmaooo. But I made long drawn out backstories for our underrated assassins so enjoy!!

T/W + C/W - idk I talk about people dying in a lot of ways. Child abuse, drugs, severe illness, dead cats. This stuff is a mess I really didn’t censor it. But nothing is described in detail cuz I’m too lazy for that.

————

Prosciutto cuz he’s at the top of my mind. Mmkay he and Pesci are brothers but not by blood. Pro was an orphan, I still wanna make him Russian, and pesci’s extremely kind and gentle family adopted him when he was like 7. They were like literally a garden catalogue family. Perfection. The parents died when pro was like 15, Pesci was 13?? Idk the age difference I’m just making shit up now. And Pesci had no fucking idea what to do, they didn’t have any other family, and pro was like “I’m still basically a hardened criminal from living on the streets of russia most of my childhood, so joining the local mafia should be a piece of cake”. It was.

Risotto..... fuck it. Polpo is risottos dad. I’ve seen that so much and fuck it I’m here for it now. Idk how I feel about the whole Mariah from part 3 being his mom that seems too coincidental. But either way, he is half Spanish. I don’t think he’s ever been in touch with his Spanish roots at all, but that’s what he is. Polpo had too much fun on vacay in Spain. But it was a once night stand and polpo, a skinny king back in the mid 70s, fucked off to do mafia stuff and didn’t know about this kid. Risotto never knew his father. Time goes by, about the time he’s 10, rizzo’s mom moves to Italy to find the man she once loved. Since the 70s, she has been married and divorced 4 times, disowned by her entire family, and she speaks only of Polpo, the man who swept her off her feet and then disappeared into the night. Leaving only this child with his matching eyes. So they live in Italy, risotto is about 13 now and his mom has been searching seriously for polpo for about 3 years. One day, she gets too close, mafia takes her out. Risotto is all alone in a country he has lived in for less than 3 years. So he decides to take revenge against the mafia. He goes to hunt them down. (I’m too lazy to write out how. Gets a gun. Basically the scene in part 5 where the kid is like “you killed my father and now I’m gonna kill you!!” But he chickens out???) yeah except rizzo didn’t chicken out, he stood firm and killed 2 of them. The other 2 surrendered, and immediately asked rizzo to take polpos test. He did. And he unknowingly met his father, the man his mother had died looking for. He stared into his fathers eyes, black sclera reflecting each other, and passed his test with ease.

Wowwwwwwwww alrighty then that was something. Let’s shake out those jitters because fuck that was intense and let’s move onto some happy shit.

Melone!! Always a bottle of joy. He was a phenomenal student, a perfect child. Perfect grades, perfect attitude, perfect looks. Onlyyyy tiny thing is he murdered cats and buried their heads in the back yard. But that was his only flaw. Aaaaaaaand mayyybe trying to use his extensive knowledge of molecular biology and genetics (even at as young as 11) to asexually breed said cats.

But, apart from that, absolutely perfect specimen of a young boy. And he kept that up until college. Until the rape accusation. Melone had no interest in having sex with her, he swore under oath in open court, he only wanted to “extract her essence” in the hopes of making her amazing genetics stay pure for centuries.

Due to his previously amazing school record, he was allowed to plead not guilty by reason of insanity (because the justice system is bullshit) and was released to his parents. During this whole process, Melone’s mother had begun to grow suspicious of her son, wondering if there was something wrong with him. This led her to explore the crawl space under the garage, more commonly known as “Melone’s childhood laboratory”. The cat skulls alone were enough to set her off. They allowed him into their home long enough to fool the court, but parole officers don’t pay attention, and they kicked him to the curb a month later. Broke, alone, and with no real skills other than his genius mind and gorgeous body, he became a prostitute. It was only a few months before he wandered up to a gigantic white haired man with angry eyes and asked if he wanted a date. Instead of declining, our good ol rizzo just knocked him out cold and brought him home. The rest is history. Literally because I can’t think of what would happen between that and Melone joining the mafia. I assume he was just their house pet for a little while before he decided he wanted a stand too.

Oh good lord these are getting insane. Better keep going. Okay I have no idea what’s about to come out of my head for ghia but oh Lordy. Might as well start. Ghiaccio wasn’t always quite as angry, but it’s actually gonna be a sweet story. Kinda. He used to act perfect, even tho he always felt the anger inside. He was forced to bottle it up and put on a happy exterior always. His mother was Belgian. (From experience, Belgian mothers (Flemish in particular) will beat you until your ass is raw if you talk back). Italian father, they lived in italy. He had 4 sisters, he was the middle child of 5. Around high school, he started acting out. Of course this was due to all of his bottled up anger from the past 15 years. 4 shattered sinks, 16 holes in the drywall, and one classroom fire later, Ghiaccio was expelled from school. His parents were too busy brimming with joy about the success of all his sisters that they didn’t take much notice to him. “If you’re going to behave in such a manner you might as well leave” his mother said. She was past the point of caring enough to beat him. So he left. 16 and with no where to go, he wandered the streets. After a year or so, Ghia had gotten used to that life, and was angry at everyone, sometimes when he wasn’t even angry. Anger had become his coping mechanism. Screaming was easier than talking. Until one day, he screamed at a blonde man in an intersection. Prosciutto was driving back to the squads hang out, boxes of takeout in the back seat of the car. He had chosen to not stop at the red light, just for fun, and nearly ran into our blue haired teenager. Ghia proceeded to cuss him out for a good 4 minutes in the middle of this intersection before pro cut him off. “Get in the back. “ he said, with his own special brand of brotherly love. “I know how you can put that anger to good use”. Ghiaccio, having no real reason to object, got in the back seat. Prosciutto was silent the rest of the drive and Ghiaccio yelled about all the take out food, now splattered on the backs of the seats due to the sudden slam on the brakes.

Y’all I don’t even remember the other la squadra members. Let’s do sorbet/gelato because they have zero backstory or personality so I can just ramble. *Clears throat* let’s begin. These fuckers. Friends since birth. Grew up together, always really close. They were both dirt poor, but because the only school nearby was a decent public school, when were able to slightly experience middle class living. They liked it. They wanted to see upper class, and once they did, they wanted to be there. These two were money grubbing bffs, I’m talking josuke and okuyasu, but like waaaaay more intense and also violent. They both left home around 14, together of course. Gelatos father had left them a few years prior, and his family were on the brink of starvation. Figuring they didn’t need another mouth to feed (and completely abandoning his post as family patriarch lol) he left with sorbet, who’s family had all died in various ways over the years. Most recently, his older sister being taken by some illness that was probably easily treatable, but with no means for a doctor, she died in days. The boys left home and school, and made a living by pickpocketing tourists and occasionally launching into larger heists. They made a decent living for themselves, but eventually started spending their money on drugs. It’s was sorbet first, heroin was really good to him for awhile. Gelato was against it, knowing it was the reason sorbets family had been so poor to begin with. His father was an addict, and despite holding down a job fairly well, spent all his earnings on drugs. Eventually he became too dependent, lost his job, and OD’d. But around this same time, when the boys were 16/17, they were starting to realize their feelings for each other. Confused teenaged minds full of budding love led to Gelato giving in, and soon their days were filled with heroin fueled ecstatic sex. They lived like this for awhile, existing in half reality, until one day they chose to set their pickpocketing targets on a short man with close cropped gray hair. The plan was perfect, sorbet bumped into the man and gelato passed by to grab his wallet, and suddenly they were the size of mere ants. In an instant, they were returned to size, left to wonder if it was real or just a hallucination from long term drug use. But they didn’t run. Formaggio introduced himself, with a loose handshake and a pause to spit out some tobacco, and promptly invited them to a “party”. Although, Formaggio was honest in his promise, this party did have drugs.

Cheese boys turn!! Seriously who am I forgetting??? Illuso my mirror man! Am I forgetting someone else too?? Idk. But shut up Kel it’s cheese boys turn.

So. Formaggio. Probably the most chill childhood. Lower middle class, pretty average, but he was quite gifted with sports. Soccer was his main, and also a fantastic competitive swimmer. (Okay I have a separate hc that Bruno is really good at soccer so hol horse up a moment so I can imagine those 2 playing soccer together in friendly competition. In my lil au where Bruno is in la squadra because I say BruPro exes rights please and thanks.) but anyway, he got really good at soccer and was offered a scholarship to play at a fancy pants private high school when he was 14. Of course his parents made him go, this has been the family’s dream for years, and formaggio’s as well. So high school is amazing, he’s starting to attract attention from universities even tho he’s barely in grade 11 by this point. And it’s all really amazing until he realizes. This isn’t what he wants. And it’s just that. He doesn’t want to play soccer anymore, he doesn’t want to potentially be famous. He just wants to be a kid. So he leaves school, he leaves home, he wants to start over. And he wanders into a diner and sees this small group of weirdly dressed men. At this point, it’s rizzo, pro, Pesci, and ghia. And he’s staring at them because they’re dressed like circus clowns but their aura is so murderous. And then the one who looks like a giant pineapple starts staring back. Pesci gets up and walks over to Formaggio. “I know you! You’re that amazing kid soccer player!!” And he just goes on and on about shit he read in the news (70% of it was false) until pro comes over and yanks his idiot brother away. Pro starts asking Formaggio questions, thinking he could be a good target. Stupid little rich kid. But to prosciuttos surpise, Formaggio is just a down to earth kid with no more money to his name than he needs to pay for this meal. Prosciutto takes him home after that. He doesn’t really offer any explanation.

(The rambling at the beginning of this paragraph actually happened lol so I paused for like 4 hrs oops)

Alright we are back. Had to leave to go to therapy and then scream at my mother and cry to my boyfriend but we are ready to go! Illuso and I really hope he’s the last one and I’m not forgetting one. Illuso was raised in an orphanage from infancy. No idea who his parents could even be. Fun fact: one of the nuns at the orphanage (cuz it’s an orphanage in Italy in 1980, they’re catholic.) nicknamed him Illuso because he was always pointing at things that weren’t there. As a tiny baby and a child, he would always be looking at things no one else can see (yes illuso is a natural stand user fight me). The nuns called him illuso as an insult, hoping to shame him into stopping. He never did. When he outgrew the orphanage, he decided to join the priesthood. He was 19, a priest in training, when the mafia came to the orphanage. They were collecting, and illuso knew they didn’t have the money this month. He tried to talk the mobsters down, but that went about as well as planned. 4 bullets to the chest, 3 open heart surgeries, and half a dozen resuscitations later, Illuso was released from the hospital. The orphanage had been shut down, and no one knew what had happened to the children or the nuns. With no where to go, illuso knew of one place that could use talents like his. The talents of steadily stealing money from the starving children of the church for a decade. It was during polpos test that illuso’s stand manifested. Not due to the arrow, but to protect its user from the other stand. Illuso was able to avoid Black Sabbath by hiding in his newfound mirror world until it was time to return the lighter to polpo (kinda cowardly but whatever.) he was assigned to risottos group by chance and was the last to join excluding Melone. But they loved him as if they had found him themselves.

[suits-of-woe]

Yet Edmund Was Belov’d

Shakespeare Appreciation Week — Day 4: Villains Day

So...you all knew who this day was going to be about. What better day to show my love for everyone’s favourite bastard? Thanks @harry-leroy for always enabling me. But I figured I’d appreciate more than one Lear villain I stan by posting the full version of an Edmund/Goneril fic I wrote ages ago that sparked my love for this disaster ship.

I wish I’d written something new, but my creativity levels have been negative all quarantine. Writing this last year was basically my gateway drug to thinking about a lot of dynamics that don’t appear here because I hadn’t thought of them yet. So I’m not super pleased with this, but it’s what I’ve got.

This fic is called “WHY did William Shakespeare leave the two loneliest characters in King Lear to die offstage and ALONE and expect me to be okay?” So I remedied that, a bit. Tw for death (including semi-graphic details of death by stabbing) and suicide. Slight AU in how 5.3 plays out, but the outcome is the same.

As the servant rushes off with the bloody knife clutched in his hand, and the other attendants take no time to scatter and disappear from sight, Goneril is the only person left in front of Albany’s tent. Unless she can count Regan, she supposes, but given that Regan is truly gone now, a body without mind, all at her sister’s hand...well, she probably can’t. It’s a thought too overwhelming to sit with. Her mind races. As does her heart, which is still pumping steadily, all the blood in her body strictly confined under the unscathed surface of her skin. She makes an effort to quiet her breathing, just in case any whisper of the sound might reach a lingering witness. Starting now, Goneril is supposed to be dead.

It’s an absurd plan. Nothing resembling a long-term solution, but it was the only thing occurred to her in the frantic moment when she realized her husband had finally grown half a vertebra at precisely the wrong time. It was easy enough to achieve. The servants were eager to help for a small price; Oswald had been her best, of course, but she still had more than her share of loyal followers. She’d had the knife already. All she had really needed was a body to bloody it with, and helpfully, she’d already supplied one of those for herself.

The wound in Regan’s chest is still open and flowing freely, and Goneril dips her hands in it to begin creating the illusion of a matching one on herself. She doesn’t feel guilty for stabbing her, not exactly. The only thing Regan had to look forward to was ten minutes of slowly choking to death; if anything, Goneril did her a favor. It’s just that she can see too much of her sister from this angle, leaning down so close. There’s the tiny scar above her eyebrow she got falling down the stairs as a young girl. The red hair intricately braided, just like their mother taught them. The gold chain around her throat – given to her by her husband – and the love bite near the base of her neck that most certainly was not. It’s impossible to look at Regan and feel nothing.

But it’s not Regan she thinks of as she arranges herself on the ground in a relatively comfortable position, peeking through her lashes at the surrounding tents. She made her choice. She did not choose Regan. She has to live with that choice now, or die with it, and the only reason she’s not dead yet is the tiny shred of hope that maybe she didn’t choose wrong. It’s wishful thinking. Implausible, and only not impossible because Edmund is the only man she’s ever met who might be that clever. They think alike. So alike, that maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance he’s exactly as wounded as she is dead.

The approach of footsteps makes her quiet her thoughts. It’s two or three men – three, she sees when she opens her eyes a sliver more – carrying a stretcher. She goes hot and cold all at once. Those black curls – and he’s not moving, but then, neither is she, and when one of the men looks at her for a long moment, he seems convinced. She holds her breath for good measure. The men move out of sight. She can hear them set the stretcher down. They leave. She’s alone with him, finally.

She forces herself to wait a minute. No signs of movement yet, but she’s still equally frozen. Drying blood is surprisingly sticky. Her breaths are too loud. She can’t make out his.

When she loses count around thirty seconds, she gets to her feet. A gust of wind blows her hair in her face. She moves ghostlike, a lump caught in her throat, as she makes her way to his side. His eyes are closed, but she knows from one look the blood is all his. He’s more gasping than breathing. After everything today, there’s little semblance of a world to be swept out from beneath her feet, but she’s still not prepared for the way her stomach drops. He’s Edmund. Pain doesn’t suit him.

“My Gloucester,” she says softly, at a loss for anything else.

“Not yours or Gloucester,” he mutters back, his mouth twisted into a tight grimace, “anymore.”

His eyes come open, violently bright green, and for a moment Goneril is sure he can’t be dying, not when that sharp look in them hasn’t faded a bit.

“I thought you were dead,” he says.

“I know. I thought maybe you...”

“Weren’t? Well. Sorry to disappoint.”

He’s already stopped looking at her. There’s something distant in his expression too, and it must be the most ridiculous time in the world for Goneril to feel lonely of all things, and yet...

“I thought if...I mean, even if the Duke knows, I still have followers.” She can hear her voice rising, growing higher and more frantic. There’s no point telling him this now, but she can’t seem to stop. “And if we’d bided our time then maybe...or we could leave together, get away from—”

“Stop,” Edmund cuts her off. “You’ll—you’ll hate me now.”

“Hate you? For losing a duel?”

Maybe she should, or would, if he were anyone else, or if she had anyone else. But for now, she seems to have used up enough rage that there’s none left for him.

“No. I...I tried—”

The cry comes from the camp before he can finish his sentence. It’s a ragged, unearthly sound, a distillation of anguish so pure it makes Goneril want to climb out of her skin. And that’s before she recognizes his voice, and the howled sound of her sister’s name.

“Tried to save them,” Edmund finishes. He’s laughing, if it can be called that. Laughing until he begins to cough and blood dribbles from the corner of his mouth. If her father’s cries weren’t still echoing toward them Goneril would say it was the most miserable sound she’d heard in her life. “It’s just nature. I should’ve known. Once you set it in motion it doesn’t care.” He coughs again, weaker. “Guess I made you hate me for nothing.”

For a moment, she’s too numb to process any of it. But the wailing hasn’t stopped, and she makes herself go through the facts if only to occupy her mind.

Cordelia is dead. She expected that. They’d discussed it, almost, in that veiled way they discussed anything pertaining to their families. Cordelia is dead, yes, but that’s not all. Regan is dead. Goneril is supposed to be dead, but she isn’t. Edmund will be dead soon, but he isn’t yet, and he’s the reason Cordelia is dead, but also the reason her father is still alive and making those noises. He must be.

“Why?” It’s the only word to make it out of Goneril’s throat. He’s right. She should hate him for this, for making her listen. It’s just that the thought exhausts her.

“I told you,” Edmund says. “I thought you were dead.”

“That’s not a reason.”

“I thought...” He sighs. “I thought maybe I could have changed it. Not now, but before. If I did what...what was supposed to be right. If it felt any different. Better.”

“And?” Goneril’s muscles are locked. He still won’t look at her, and she can’t look anywhere else. “Did it feel different?”

“Maybe. For a moment. Before I knew it didn’t change a thing.”

She doesn’t have a response to that. Neither does he. There’s nothing good to look at, but closing her eyes only leaves Edmund’s struggling breaths and her father’s distant cries.

Cordelia!

If shattered glass could speak, Goneril imagines it would sound something like this. Otherwise, there’s no way she can possibly describe it.

Cordelia, Cordelia!

No one would guess the man had three daughters.

Regan’s blood is stiffening the fabric of Goneril’s dress, and for a second Goneril feels the urge to try and shove it back into her sister’s veins, to seal up the wound, make her undrink the poison, bring back the one person who would understand this unique agony. Regan used to understand. She used to be right there with her, once Cordelia was there and their mother was gone; she knew what it was to watch her sister be loved when she was tolerated at best. They’d had the same hunger in their eyes in those days. Once or twice, they talked about it. They shared the same daydreams, not of wildly handsome fairytale princes but of plainer men, men who might one day care. Mostly, they didn’t talk, but sometimes they’d be silent and just hold each other, because no one else was around to do it for them.

Cordelia!

They must have told him. And her husband certainly knows, even if her father doesn’t, yet she hasn’t heard her name once. Goneril is supposed to be dead, and there’s not a person living who’s grieving for her.

She can’t do this alone. Whatever he’s done, she just can’t.

“What happened?” Her words come out frantic, rushed, as she looks down and sees Edmund’s eyes are closed and she’s struck by a bolt of fear that he’s already gone. But he isn’t. The eyes open, duller, but defiantly alive. “I still don’t understand it. How did they find out? Who told my husband? Who was that man?”

“My brother.” He shakes his head, a half smirk forming on his bloody lips. “Suppose it’s...only fair. The wheel...”

“But how?” She needs to cut him off, or the defeat in his voice might just kill her for real. “How did he find you? How did he even know?”

“He found my father,” Edmund starts. “I don’t know how...he was disguised, he must have—”

“Your father?” It really couldn’t matter less, but Goneril needs to keep him talking. His voice is too weak, all wrong, but it’s still the only bearable thing to listen to. “The Earl, he survived, he’s alive?”

“Was.” He starts to laugh, chokes again. Blood splatters Goneril’s chest and neck. “Until my brother told him who he was. His heart couldn’t take it. Said he...he died of joy.”

He looks at her now, really looks at her.

“Love,” Edmund says. His breath rattles in his chest. “Ha.”

The sounds from the camp have finally gone silent. Goneril is thinking of old men, dead men, dead of joy or despair or love, but not for her, and not for him either. She is thinking of the hunger in Edmund’s painfully vivid eyes. The tenderness she feels toward him is stronger than she thought herself capable of.

But she doesn’t act on it. The rage in the back of her mind is not quite burnt out. Not yet.

“Did you love her?” Goneril asks. She needs to know. And maybe she won’t really, maybe he’ll just lie to her, but she at least needs to hear it.

Regan used to understand. She used to, and Goneril used to think she always would, she would always be there on nights like Goneril’s wedding night, when Regan was the only one to see her cry. But when Regan’s wedding came, she wasn’t crying. She was smiling like a woman with the warm comfortable glow of knowing she was cherished, and suddenly Goneril didn’t know her anymore. It wasn’t fair. She must have known that. She had it all, had everything Goneril had always wanted; it was only her bad luck that Cornwall went first and she had no one crying for her now. Cornwall would have burned down the world for her, Cornwall would have torn whoever killed her to pieces with his bare hands, and Regan must have known it. She had that love, that love that could move mountains and halt planets and break literal hearts, she must have had it and it must have been everything Goneril imagined because the second it was gone she had to do everything she could to get it back. But how dare she? How dare she tear it from Goneril’s own hands, how dare she when she had only lived without it for a few days and Goneril had never even had a taste of it in the first place?

Her face is burning again just to think of it, her heart racing out of control. Edmund’s voice pulls her back to the present.

“I don’t know,” he says, and there’s no trace of the smooth deception she’s come to know so well. “She loved me, and I think I loved that.”

She could ask him the same question about herself. There’s no real reason to think she would get a different answer. But it doesn’t matter anymore. They do think alike, Goneril knows now. They understand each other. Neither of them has ever been worth grieving for.

Edmund gasps and shivers and screws his eyes shut, muttering something Goneril can’t catch, and that’s when she knows what she has to do. There are no more lives for her to try and save, but she can give him this.

“My love.” When she kisses him, it’s with too much passion for a dying man. She tastes blood, but when she pulls away, there’s something like joy mingled with the pain on his face. “My Edmund.”

He doesn’t speak, and she’s not sure if she can anymore. She holds him instead. He’s heavier than she expected, limp and unresisting in her arms, but she clutches him close, feeling his the irregular rise and fall of his chest. He clasps weakly at a handful of the fabric of her dress. She cradles his head, smoothing back the dark curls off his forehead. At least he can’t see the tracks of blood her hands leave on his skin.

When she moves back enough to get a good look at his face, she’s surprised to find silent tears running down his cheeks. She’s equally surprised that she doesn’t mind.

It can’t last. Maybe that’s what makes it halfway bearable, but it can’t, because no matter how tight she holds him it doesn’t stop the dark stain on his abdomen growing wider and wider by the minute. His fingers weaken, twitch, release the hold on her dress. She can feel the labor it takes for him to draw air into his lungs. Every time he breathes she half wishes he wouldn’t.

She doesn’t mean to break the illusion, but it must be agony, and watching it feels crueler than anything else. She makes her voice low, as close to comforting as she can manage, as if she’s only watching a lover drift off to sleep.

“Do you want me to stop it?”

She doesn’t need to gesture to his dagger to know he understands. When he inhales, it sounds like he’s taking in water and not air, but he shakes his head, tears still making tracks in the grime on his face.

“No,” he says, almost inaudible. “Not...not yet. Just—”

He can’t finish. He doesn’t have to.

It might be a nice touch if she could cry for him, Goneril thinks, as she resumes the slow stroking of his hair. It’s only then she realizes her cheeks are already wet.

In one way, it is nothing. He says no more. She says no more. Minutes pass. He stops breathing. Death is that simple, he would say. Only natural.

In another way, it is everything. It is the thing she’s always wanted, the thing he’s always wanted, the culmination of what they’ve both been craving for god knows how long. And then it is gone.

From far away, Goneril can hear shouting and rapid footsteps. The sounds seem imagined at first, intangible next to the weight of Edmund’s cooling body in her arms. But still, they are coming. The time is up, the wheel has turned, and she cannot find enough strength in her legs to try to run.

Regan is gone. Edmund is gone. Her only companion is the dagger at his belt.

She’s already playing the tragic lover for him. She may as well act the last of her part.

[pridesobright]

If you’re up for it, what artist or painting do each of the boys remind you of?

disclaimer: art is subjective, so are people’s opinions, and my choices are based on my perception of the boys’ personalities. you may not agree with me, therefore the paintings might not correspond to what you had imagined… still, i tried to shed a light on my own thoughts, which is something i rarely do on tumblr — i tried to remain as objective and positive as possible!

+ louis —

louis is so fiercely good! supportive, loyal, brave… i’ve never seen someone so witty and intelligent, caring and sensitive. louis shines, louis sparkles!!

but he also tells stories like no else. it is truly fascinating how louis can turn the smallest life experiences into masterpieces!! the raw emotions he’s able to convey in just a sentence: we’re sleeping on our problems like we’ll solve them in our dreams…. it’s easy getting lost into louis’ ocean blue eyes but it’s even easier falling for his talent — through storytelling, louis always shares a positive message and i’m in awe of the way he goes through life despite everything that’s been thrown at him. passionate and driven, louis is authentic and unapologetically himself!

i decided to associate louis with gustav klimt — the artist received a conservative and classical training and began his career painting churches and theaters, following the traditional and historical style popular at the time. quite similar to louis’ mindset at the start of his solo career, klimt focused on what the upper class expected of him! however, he kept developing a more meaningful personal style. one that relied on symbolism and the extensive use of the ornamental gold leaf. his paintings were highly decorative and it is the aesthetic of klimt’s work that made the connection so easy ♡

gustav klimt painted many women in erotic positions, embracing their nudity and a celebration of sexuality, which was controversial at the time. but more than that, the artist depicted loving embraces, abandonment and passion. tenderness. and by coating his paintings in golden powder, klimt created a warm cocoon around his subjects! 1. adele bloch-bauer I - 2. judith I (details) - 3. le baiser (details)

louis is so often associated with the color yellow and it’s easy to understand why — yellow is the most luminous color and is the symbol of happiness, optimism and enlightenment. as a warm color, yellow represents light and creates a sense of hope: it is radiant! gold shares many of the same attributes. it is bright, cheerful and is often associated with love, courage and passion. gold illuminates our world and so does louis!

+ zayn —

zayn is very creative, expressive and imaginative. i’d say he’s cautious and overall very intelligent about his privacy! society will often describe quiet people as mysterious, and it romanticizes anxiety in a way that makes my blood boils… it’s a dangerous culture where people with mental disorders are seen as edgy or cool when in reality they are deeply misunderstood. at times defensive, i believe zayn is strong-willed and values his freedom more than anything!

associating zayn with street art was a given. is there anything more liberating than leaving your trace into the world, anonymously and illegally, without knowing if your work will be painted over in the next few days or a couple of years?

artists such as roa, bansky, kobra, invader or shepard fairey have now made a huge impact, and street art has been popularized. many paintings are known worldwide but before then, you had the travel the world to seek out the artists’ works!

and even if some murals can be seen from afar, they draw you in no matter what. like an invisible pull, some are forcing you to cross the street or climb a few stairs to get closer — zayn draws you in! whether people are affected by his quiet personality, his looks or the sheer quality of his voice, you can’t help but want to learn more about him!

i chose behind the curtain by martin whatson for that very reason! at first cold and unreachable, zayn is full of qualities and life experiences deserving to be uncovered.

martin whatson is a stencil artist working in oslo. looking for beauty in decayed and abandoned urban spaces, he developed his style using grey tones as a basis and adding vibrant colours to bring a splash of life. i also love pull back and behind the wall ♡

+ niall —

to me, niall is the type of person who’s enjoying life as best as he can, and fully appreciating everything there is to offer. whether it be passion, irritation, love, fun or distress. mainly because of his cheerful and bubbly personality, he’s seemingly going through life as if it was a big fest! but don’t be fooled, he knows heartbreak too and there’s more to him!!

niall’s albums feel warm, nostalgic and intimate. we’re being let  in into a part of him without any flourishes. a melody strummed on his  guitar and here we are, transported into the past and reminiscing about  an old lover. niall definitely is a romantic! listening to heartbreak  weather, there is so much tenderness into his songs…

this painting is called manège de cochons by robert delaunay — it is part of a series devoted to modern urban life and popular shows. carried away by a whirlwind of vibrant colors, it recreates the lively atmosphere of the fairgrounds.

it definitely represents niall and his complex mind. the colors, so vibrant, are an ode to his cheerfulness. for delaunay, primary colors and their complements exalt each other by contrast. and the same tone can be perceived differently depending on its intensity or its arrangement!

at first, only the vibrancy and the warmth shine through but just like everyone else’s, niall’s mind is intricate. his emotions are raw and he puts his pain into songs, as if to compartmentalize everything. as if to tame those feelings and memories, maybe too loud at times! the colors aren’t just splash of nuances scattered across the canvas, they are deliberate. with purpose, they tell a story…

+ liam —

liam is good! and he always goes out of his way to do something good. he often tries to be more mindful of his actions. he’s constantly learning and just like everyone else liam makes mistakes, but he actively grows from them!!

liam is extremely talented, funny and charismatic, yet i feel like he’s not easily understood. he’s a very sensitive, sincere and sweet person, and despite everything liam went through, he remains cheerful, generous and courageous!

he is also passionate and pursues many hobbies — be it fashion, art, cooking or comics: he is well-versed in many topics and it’s a real pleasure to now follow him on youtube!!

robert rauschenberg was passionate about many mediums himself, and he incorporated newspapers, photographs and even some objects (undershirt, parasol parts) onto the canvas before adding broad strokes of paint! he kept exploring the boundaries of art and closely followed the current events of the time, using images of space flight and NASA’s photographs into his work — space (tribute 21) is a personal favorite ♡

i actually picked a selection of artworks to match liam’s personality: 1. untitled (red painting) - 2. untitled (red painting) - 3. red interior. i particularly love that last one, as the far-right stripe reminds me of liam’s chevron tattoo!!

for many years now, liam has been associated with red and it’s no surprise at all — red is the color of passionate love, seduction and adventure. strength, vitality and ambition. it used to be seen as the color of fire, a primal life force. to the greeks, red symbolized super-human heroism. liam is a force of nature, strong both physically and mentally. he is hard-working and energetic!

+ harry —

forget about the way harry has been portrayed ever since he was a sixteen-year-old boy. forget about the curls and the dimples. simply observe the person harry is today. take a closer look at what he decides to share with us. pay attention to the way he’s presenting himself.

fine line (the album) takes us on an introspective journey into his deepest emotions — whether it be torment or happiness. and i think it’s fascinating how well-executed his songs are! even in a catchy and happy song such as golden, harry managed to address quite a raw and painful concept: i’m hopeless, broken, so you wait for me in the sky / i don’t want to be alone — it’s heartbreaking, yet you almost wished you could feel it too!

through various allegories and metaphors, harry makes you question yourself. he interrogates you and talks about a reality you didn’t know existed or could relate to. harry is magnetic.

this painting is called composition XI by vassily kandinsky — and i can’t help but compare both harry and vassily. kandinsky was a painter, professor, poet and art theorist, generally credited as the pioneer of abstract art! he spent years creating sensorially rich paintings, and was fascinated by musicians who could evoke images in listeners’ minds. he strove to work with forms and colors that alluded to sounds and emotions!!

in songs like fine line, the music swells and deflates as if it was a beating heart. each track conveys a different emotion and translates a distinct concept! through his melodies, harry aims to make us feel joy, melancholy,  determination or bitterness, even when the lyrics are anything but. his albums leave us speechless and wondering, just like abstract art!

+ overall, this is what art is meant to make you feel! it’s supposed to challenge you. art is meant to make you rethink your boundaries and open up your mind. it’s meant to question you and leave you wanting for more! you are meant to listen to a song several times to fully understand its meaning, and meant to stand in front of a painting for hours to start grasping the artist’s thought process…

yet art remains subjective! depending on your own life experiences and upbringing. art is free for you to interpret as you wish and so is music! i hope you enjoyed this post, thank you for reading it ♡

[huberts-private-counsel-archive]

AAAAAAAAAA FIRST COMMISSION POST?? HELLO??? FHJDBRJD THIS IS THE FIRST EVER COMMISSION I'VE COMPLETED!!

This is for @angiihimemiya , thank you for commissioning me!! And enjoy the Ferdibert!!

Hubert was fairly certain that something was wrong with him. Scratch that, he was absolutely certain that something was wrong with him. His heart would race at the most inappropriate times, as his face flushed with what must have been a fever as his mental processing ground to a halt. It lasted for ages as well - it had even begun interfering with his work for Lady Edelgard!

There was no doubt that this was the work of some kind of poison, if not a curse - it was a wonder he had not been killed yet with how often he was afflicted. He had yet to find the culprit behind this plot, but rest assured, the moment he found them, he would make them pay dearly. It would be sweet justice for the hell they had put him through for the past few months. 

The trouble was that these strange afflictions were random - there was no rhyme or reason to when they’d strike and when they’d fade. If this had been a more common poison like foxglove or monkshood,  he'd have had this cured already. Yet none of the symptoms he had been experiencing matched perfectly with any poison he had encountered thus far, leading him to suspect it may be a curse of some kind - if he weren't so irritated by the culprit, he might have asked them how and where they gained the knowledge to afflict him this way, whether by poison or by curse. As it stood now, he'd acquire that information through other means - though that was hardly the point now.

Loathe as he was to admit it, perhaps another member of the strike force would understand what was ailing him. While this certainly wasn’t something Hubert had ever come across, perhaps it was one that one of the others had. 

The first person he endeavored to ask was Petra. Though she had long since proven her loyalty, perhaps whatever was afflicting him was something that came from Brigid. Perhaps this was why Hubert had never encountered it before - as much as Hubert knew about poisons and curses, the information detailing either of those things from foreign countries was unfortunately sparse. 

As he walked about, searching for Petra, he happened to come across Ferdinand in the stables, humming to himself as he brushed his horse’s mane with a soft and gentle smile upon his face. Once again, his heart did that troublesome flutter, and Hubert found what was nearly a smile twitching at his lips before he quickly schooled it into a frown. How troublesome. He needed to get this taken care of quickly. 

After a moment, Ferdinand looked up to see Hubert standing there. For some reason that Hubert could not fathom, Ferdinand actually brightened at the sight of Hubert, the soft smile on his face growing into a bigger yet no less genuine one. It made Hubert’s heart twist, which only soured his own mood. Curse whatever was ailing him for ruining what would normally be a rather pleasant sight...though Hubert would never admit such a thing willingly. 

“Ah, Hubert! What brings you to the stables?” Ferdinand asks brightly, warmth flowing freely as he spoke. It was a wonder how, despite everything, Ferdinand still managed to remain such a warm and (goddess, how could he put this?) calming presence. Though truthfully, it would be a fruitless endeavor to try and summarize someone like Ferdinand into mere words. His presence was one that could not be described; his voice, his demeanor, everything about him culminated into the wondrous being that was Ferdinand von Aegir. Somehow, his presence was enough to soothe him - at least, it would have, if not for this blasted ailment.

Hubert swore that the moment he got his hands on whoever had cursed or poisoned him, he would make them pay tenfold for the suffering they had caused him.

“Hubert?” Now Ferdinand was staring at him in concern, a small frown replacing the smile that had been there just a moment prior. “Are you alright? You have just been standing there…”

“My apologies, Ferdinand. I was simply lost in thought for a moment. I was wondering if you had seen Petra at all. I was...simply hoping to ask her a question.” For whatever reason, it was a struggle to get the words out, as if whatever was afflicting him chose that moment to coil around his throat and strangle whatever words came out. 

Ferdinand looked rather confused at that. But after a moment, his smile returned (something that Hubert was admittedly glad to see). “Oh, I believe I saw her at the training grounds! She had been hoping to work more on her swordplay, if I am remembering correctly.” 

“I see. Thank you, Ferdinand.” Just as Hubert was about to turn and walk towards the training grounds, Ferdinand spoke again.

“Actually, before you go, may I ask you something as well?” Ferdinand sounded a tad nervous for some reason - it didn’t suit him.

“Of course. What is it that you wished to ask?” 

“There is no need to look so worried Hubert!” Ferdinand had said with a laugh, as Hubert felt his face heat up. Another cursed effect of this ailment of his. “I was simply hoping to ask if we could actually meet later today for tea. I had something I wished to tell you then.”

“...Alright. I don’t see why not. Will we be meeting at the usual place?” Hubert began walking away then, more than a little curious as to what Ferdinand wished to tell him.

“Indeed. I hope you find Petra!”

Luckily for Hubert, Petra was indeed in the training grounds. He approached her swiftly, hoping to get this done and over with as quickly as possible.

“Petra. I need to ask you something immediately,” Hubert said firmly, seemingly startling Petra quite a bit.

“What is it you are wanting to ask?” Petra had paused in her training, simply staring at him in confusion. 

And thus Hubert detailed what had been ailing him, every single troublesome symptom before asking if Petra knew anything that could possibly cause symptoms such as these. Petra had opened her mouth, as if to say something, closed it, before speaking.

“...Hubert, are you sure that these feelings are not love?”

Love? How on earth could it possibly be love? These were very serious symptoms! For him to be in love, he’d have to be spending an inordinate amount of time around someone if these symptoms were truly only for them!

Although...he had been spending an awful lot of time around...Ferdinand...hadn’t he…?

Fuck.

[kylo-im-ren]

The Rise of the Fallen One & Reylo (excerpt)

Rey is not alone in the Dark!Rey scene.

This was first pointed out to me through this tweet from brehaorganas. Then @sillyrabbit36 did a lovely job of recoloring the footage to show it in greater detail in this post.

I went ahead and made some GIFs for visual aid.

In this shot (BOW DOWN TO YOUR QUEEN) it looks like there could be movement, or a figure before the screen pans over to Dark!Rey. That could also very well just be the way that the light and shadows move in the view of the camera.  The real evidence is in the following shot. The money shot.

(My ability to breathe? I don’t know her.)

I zoomed in for a better look, and I tried my best to brighten it without ruining the quality too much (fuzzy image below= proof I’m not a professional lol).

I’ve labled what I think it is that we are seeing. To me, in the bottom right it looks like dark/black clothing, maybe a cloak, or cape. Or maybe just dark pants. In the top right it looks like either a hand in dark, long sleeves, or a chin in a high turtleneck.  I’m leaning more towards it being a hand.

Now, let’s look at the movement of this mystery figure. It appears that whomever (or whatever) is there is backing away from Rey. And if we go with the hand theory, it looks like they are backing away with their hands up defensively. Below I’ve created an extremeley detailed and intricate artist rendition of what I believe happens here. I warn you, the artistic talent I posess has brought some to tears.

(As I was writing the final draft of this bit i came across this post by the amazing, ever talented @gwendy85 . The position of Ben and Rey in her art is so close to what I’m picturing! And a million times better than my stick people lol. Just wanted to give some quick promo to her. If you haven’t already, you guys should really check out her art and meta posts, you won’t be disappointed😊💜.)

So, who is this? Well, there are a few options. Let’s play one of my favorite games: The Process of Elimination.

Option 1: Palpatine Just the simple fact that the figure seems to be backing away from her tells me that it isn’t the Sheev man. If Rey does go dark, and this is real, and not a vision, I’m 99.9% sure that Palps will have something to do with it. So why would he be backing away from her? If anything, he’d be the one encouraging her. 

Option 2: Finn (my sweet boy) This is a more logical option, however, John is reported saying that he wasn’t there when Daisy wore her Dark!Rey fit. He said he was supposed to be there, but that was just for a visit, meaning his character was not invoved in the shooting of those scenes (I looked for the link for like 20 minutes and decided I’d rather get this out and edit the post later when I eventually find it.) Plus, the hand (or chin) doesn’t look like it’s been blessed with that melanin (teehee), so I’m thinking it’s pretty safe to assume not Finn. And without Finn being there, I don’t think any other resistance squad memeber would make sense. So I’m striking out Poe, Rose, or Jannah as options.

Option 3: Rey  Let me explain.This would fall in line with the theory that Dark!Rey is a vision that Rey has. (I go into further details about how this could go, and the pontential parallel between it and Lukes vision quest on Dagobah in the full meta.) This could be the moment where she is forced to literally face her inner demons. If this were the case though, the costume choice that makes the most sense, canonically and visually, would be for normal Rey to be in her normal clothes. Her pure white, flowing robes are a stark contrast to the dark figure we see backing away. 

“Maybe that’s just the shadows, it’s a dark room.”

That’s true. But if we go with the turtleneck or long sleeve idea, those are complete opposites to Rey’s v-neck and short sleeves. This makes me think that the mystery person is not Rey.

Option 4: An innocent It could be an innocent that she kills in her dark rage/possesion. Making this a scene to show how far gone she is. I highly HIGHLY doubt this option though.

Taking all of those out leaves me to believe that it can only be one person. One particular dark froce weilding, sad-boi, love-struck prince.

Option 5: Ben The clothes, if i’m picturing them correctly, match up perfectly with Ben’s attire at all times. Dark cloak/cape, maybe a black turtleneck (like we’ve seen in TFA), long dark sleeves. And, if this is Benny boy, what really intrigues me is that he is gloveless. The implications of that alone...

Sorry, I spaced out. I was fangirling.

ANnNywAy, let’s assume it is him. Now the question is:

Vision or Reality?

(I dive deeper into all of these theories in the full meta. I still can’t choose a side!)

While I still haven’t chosen a side (lol) at this point in time, I think I’ve narrowed my choices down to the Dark!Rey is real train or the Ben Vision Train.

If Dark!Rey is real, I feel that this could definitely be the moment where Ben goes to save her from Palpatine, and from herself. There have been several posts describing how this event could unfold.  If Dark!Rey is real, this could serve as a major catalyst for Bendemption. This tweet points out an amazing comparrison to this moment of Vader having a vision of Dark!Padme.

The most terrifying thing is seeing someone you love fall down the same dark path that you did, and having to watch them be consumed by it.

I think this feeling and reaction would be representitive of both real and vision Ben. If it’s real though, it could lead to a fight. The fight, however, would be completely onesided. He would refuse to strike her, talking to her the whole time, reasuring her of the people in her life that care for her, and that he cares for her. Telling her that she’s not alone anymore. She doesn’t have to do this, He knows this isn’t her. Pleading with her to come back to the light. To herself. To him.  He’d say he knows that there is still good in her, and that he believes in her. He tells her to use their bond to escape Palpatine’s control, or the firm hold of the Dark.

All of this sounding familiar? 

(I was so happy to see my fellow TFA Reylos were thinking the exact same thing I was with this.I love y’all. We all deserve a stiff drink and a foot rub 😭😂)

Now, if it’s a vision, I feel that the scene will be much shorter. I also believe that, again, if it is just a vision, It will be a reflection of what is already happening inside of Rey. She could actually go dark for awhile after this, just maybe not to the extent that we see in this scene. I don’t think that it is the same vision he saw in TLJ (although I definitely think that he saw something like this), I think this would be a new vision.

Something that caught my eye about the initial cut to Rey was the motion of the camera. 

The way that it swoops over to focus on her resembles someone whipping their head around in surprise.

You know what that reminds me of?

Rey even stumbles back after this. 

If vision is the way, I have a feeling it will be like the one Rey had in Maz’s castle in TFA when she touched the legacy saber. I actually think that this would be such a cool call back, and would be another amazing example of how these two characters mirror eachother. This vision could be brought on when he touches an object as well, or it could be in the form of a dream. Or it could be a vision brought on by Palpatine to tempt Ben. Or to scare him. Or-

Summary, there are so many ways that this can go. We have truly entered my favorite time over these past 4 years, The Hour of Speculation. And it’s the final hour! Everything wraps up after this...

 As much as that breaks my heart, I am so excited for the next few months. I can’t wait to ride this out with all of you, and to hear what amazing theories you freakin oracles come up with during the wait. Old and new Reylos, I LOVE YOU!

And may the force be with you always.💙❤️💜

And please share your own thoughts, I’d love to hear what you guys think!

@sushigirlali @jedisassafras @southsidestory @sanctuarytrin It’s not my full thoughts (not even close🤦🏽‍♀️😂), or a ficlet, but I promise all of those are coming soon! Hope you like my quick ramble, much love💙☺️

[poorreputation]

Undertaker: The Last Ride

When I say I've been waiting years for this, I'm serious. Ever since Undertaker's loss at Wrestlemania 30, and shortly after that the news he would be on the Stone Cold Podcast, I've been eagerly anticipating seeing Mark Calaway speak as himself. Many fans have been hesitant to watch Calaway out of character, worried it would ruin the mystique of the Undertaker, but I've felt for years that the work put into these characters behind the scenes is just as fascinating as the fiction.

I watched episode one soon after it aired, and want to do a rewatch/reaction post before episode two drops tonight. Join me, if you wish.

If you've not seen the episode, a little content warning: there is blood, gore in a surgical setting (very, very graphic, but only there for a couple seconds at a time), needles, and implied injuries, including details of Mark's concussion at WM30.

CHAPTER 1: THE GREATEST FEAR

The series, all five episodes, takes place between 2017 and 2020. Chapter 1 covers Wrestlemania 33, and his match with Roman Reigns, which was intended to be his last.

This is the first time Mark Calaway's really opened up about his work, and himself in general. There's other instances of him being interviewed, even mixing fact and kayfabe, but never on a platform like this, certainly not with WWE.

Mark: You know they call me Santa Clause, now, right? Because I only come out once a year.

Jimmy Hart, being the sweetest: That's all you need to. You look great.

These backstage segments of Calaway with his coworkers are honestly some of the best parts of the episode. A transcript can only do so much justice.

Roman Reigns, upcoming opponent of the Undertaker, signs in at the lobby desk right next to Mark, being a smartass. Screw your camera guy, indeed.

Mark meditates on the struggles of working only once a year, and throughout the episode, chronicles the moments and injuries that make an already challenging schedule nearly impossible. Chasing the dragon that is the perfect match has lead him to a stalemate with himself and his character: if the Undertaker can go out in a match fitting of him at Wrestlemania, Mark Calaway will be happy.

Gah, baby 'Taker at his Survivor Series debut always gets me. No one could've called the run that boy was about to go on. I see other people call this portion of the episode the mythologizing of the character, building him up to be this big deal, and it's so funny to me because I wouldn't be watching if I didn't already think that of him. Like, y'all are just preaching to the choir, at this point. That, and so much that's been said here has been consistent with what Mark's peers have told about him in the past, it just feels like catching people up rather than building an image from scratch.

Say what you will about Vince McMahon (and there's a lot to be said), but there's something special about his comments on Mark Calaway. You rarely get to hear the guy talk candidly as it is, so when he does, you know it's important.

Calaway describing the weight, the prestige of Wrestlemania... and then the sneer he makes after that statement. I ain't a journalist, so I'll freely speculate: 'Mania's for the best of the best, and he just doesn't see himself as deserving to be there, not right now, at least.

Other wrestlers, from Orton to Edge to Batista, talk about what an honor, and mark of trust, it is to work with Undertaker, period. To work with him at Wrestlemania? You've arrived. The implication of what this would, or should, have meant for Roman is clear. It's a wonder if this image that his coworkers built up of him affected Mark's own expectations of himself. I mean, it's more or less spelled out in the episode, and it is the pro wrestling way to go out on your back, losing to someone who can use the rub, but, just throwing it out there, 'Taker had more pressure on him than most. That legacy, 'Mania, and the worry of managing to physically move during a match? It's overwhelming.

For those confused about why working once or twice a year would be so much more difficult than working hundreds of shows in that same time span, Steve Austin sums it up best: the road keeps you calloused and bruised. Ring rust from inactivity, due to being away or rehabbing an injury, gets you both mentally and physically. Knowing Mark's doing this process every year in his 50′s is insane.

During this, Steve plainly states that to go through that, and the many surgeries as Michelle McCool, Mark's wife, mentioned, it makes him a tough son of a bitch. It's an interesting note, considering we start this episode with Mark referring to that toughness as a thing of the past. His perception of himself, and what his peers see, is another fascinating aspect of the documentary.

Calaway talks about how nerve-racking the final workout before 'Mania is. The worry you'll hurt something while trying to train. Later, when other wrestlers talk about how calm, cool and collected 'Taker always seems... it's like they've built him up to be superhuman; Invulnerable to the same things and fears that plague all athletes. They talk about the physical decline, of course, that’s inevitable. But the mental side of things is where the biggest differences are.

Hoo boy, WrestleMania 30, the cause of my first major bout with depression. After that match between Undertaker and Brock Lesnar, not only was I crying and distressed, but there was then the news of Mark Calaway's hospitalization that was the numbing cherry on top. I remember registering how much more important the man's health was, but it was like I couldn't get any more upset. 

After that, I'd read up on so many rumors, that the only new bit of information here in the documentary is about when Mark's being rushed to the ER; how Vince infamously left the arena before 'Mania was over just to make sure Mark was okay, and, in new info, Brock was in the car with him. I cannot stress enough how humanizing that is to hear, especially considering how closely guarded Brock is about his persona, and how the man and the character are often so blended together. Time heals all wounds, but I really appreciated hearing that.

So, the injury for the uninformed: during the match with Brock, 'Taker got concussed. No one knows when it happened, much less Mark, who can't remember anything from after 3:30 PM that afternoon. To say I, and many others, were convinced this was it, he'd retire, would be an understatement. Many people felt he should retire, I did too, at one point. But, I could also tell Calaway wouldn't want to leave on such a note, because frankly, the match sucked. That's what happens when one person gets knocked the fuck out, and the other guy's gotta improvise. The fact 'Taker's going on muscle memory while he's out is nothing short of a miracle.

With WM30 in the books, 'Taker was at a low point, his confidence shot and a lot riding on his match with Bray Wyatt at WrestleMania 31 (or Play Button, if you prefer). Bray himself recalling how nervous he was, but how chill Undertaker appeared, in comparison.

Triple H's pep talk with 'Taker backstage is another gem, and I just love their friendship. I love the raw vulnerability this series is providing, both when it comes to 'Taker, and everyone else around him. I hope it's a constant through the rest of the docuseries.

WM31 was an ego boost, and leads into the superior Brock-Undertaker program in 2015. It's not highlighted as much, but it's fire, and I think allowed Calaway to redeem himself a bit, in his eyes. Not too much, since he didn't retire, but it made fans really start to come back 'round.

Now, I liked WM32 because I got to see it in person, and it was the first time I'd ever seen Undertaker live, so I'm a biased bitch. Anyone signing up to work Hell in a Cell is a ballsy move, and considering how old both 'Taker and Shane McMahon were going into that is no small feat. I liked it, it was a spectacle, and I was sports entertained. There is the implication, between showing clips of WM32 and 'Taker's appearance at the 2017 Royal Rumble, that Calaway wasn't satisfied with how the former turned out. It becomes fully fleshed out he's talking about entering the RR, and feeling intense regret, but that he was also disappointed with the former. Again, if he were happy with it, he'd have retired, but that's again the difference between what the fans see and what the wrestler sees. I, and I imagine roughly 100,000 others, had the time of our lives; Mark Calaway was, and still is, chasing perfection.

With RR 2017, Mark freely admits that he had no business being there. It sounds truly like his thought process in the moment, and not just the regret of how WM33 went down, and that the build for that match began when he and Roman went toe-to-toe at the Rumble.

Back to WM33 weekend. 'Taker's finished up the final workout, and is talking about his place on the upcoming card:

Mark: Regardless of my injuries, regardless of my age, regardless of everything that has happened, if I'm on the card, there's some young guy that's making a lot of the shows through the year, you know, that may not be on that card. So, it's my duty to make sure that it's worth putting me on the card. No one would probably say it to my face if I stunk it up, (but) I would know, and that's one of my biggest fears, and um, is becoming a parody of myself.

This is someone who's also been reading the rumor mill, the comments, general fan reaction. It's neat he's so receptive to fan interaction, and makes me wonder if he's actually been doing this for years, but it's also sad to watch him only see the negative sides. The Undertaker, as a character, wouldn't have worked for so long without innovation, so being open-minded is important. And, I'm all for Mark Calaway doing what he wants with his life, but, for him, will anything, any match, ever be good enough?

It's the night of the Hall of Fame 2017 and we see Mark and Michelle backstage greeting people. We get a shot of Mark saying hi to the likes of the late Bruno Sammartino, inductees Sean Waltman and Kurt Angle, and I just love how dolled up Michelle looks, whereas Mark's just in jeans, a dress shirt and a cap. I love their dynamic, so so much. Also, Mark and Kurt's friendship, that's adorable. One of the good things to happen when I found out about kayfabe was thinking how these characters who normally hate each other on screen, were really besties backstage. It's a thought that still tickles me to this day, and watching that in the episode on several occasions is a joy to behold.

Kurt's talking about 'Taker's role as locker room leader, and Mark mentions how it wasn't ever something he actively pursued, it just happened. Being locker room leader just seems to be yet another thing added to the legend of the Undertaker. Makes a bit more sense why Mark's peers put him on a pedestal.

Wrestlers are talking about how, very early on, Undertaker set the benchmark, the gold standard, of work every night. John Bradshaw Layfield goes on to say, "(Mark) was the yardstick. And if you did well, then pretty much you were in, if not, then you were out, because you knew if you didn't do well, it wasn't the Undertaker's fault." That explains why it hurts so much for 'Taker to not be at his best. I mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out, but it's fascinating to see all of these elements come together. It's also interesting to hear JBL build up 'Taker as the greatest of all time, and then plainly say he's never seen Mark in worse shape than he was heading into WM33.

On a lighter note, it's real funny to hear Mark and Roman talk about the latter's new twins (from 2017) considering he's got another set of twins on the way, now. Just in general, Roman going on about how much he loves talking to Mark about work, but mostly family and to hear the stories Mark's got to tell, you can see how much this match means to him. The prestige of working with 'Taker at any point, let alone 'Mania, he knows this is the highlight of his career. I can't help but respect Roman for that, and couldn't help but feel that way going into WM33. It's a stark difference from how I felt about Brock post-WM30, and I honestly thought I was prepared to watch Undertaker take his rumored loss at this show.

It's the night before 'Mania, and they're doing entrance rehearsals. The stage setup for this show was so cool, guys, it took inspiration from the theme parks that are littered throughout Orlando, and was a beauty to see live, especially when it got dark. And 'Taker's entrance, even in practice, is a spectacle.

Cuts to the day of WrestleMania 33. General nerves are felt, and the start of a very long day begins.

Mark: People say, "All you gotta do is go out there and chokeslam somebody, make your entrance, and everybody's gonna be happy." No. I'm not gonna be happy. Like when I say, and this isn't stupid man pride, or cliche stuff. I'm either gonna go out in a match that's befitting the Undertaker at WrestleMania, or I'm going out on my shield, one way or another.

And there we have it, the subject of this docuseries.

Roman talking about the weight of potentially being the last person to work with the Undertaker, it just makes you feel bad for him things didn't work out quite the way they planned. But, it's as JBL summed up before, no matter the outcome or if it's really 'Taker's last match, this is the biggest night of Roman Reigns' career. I know episode 2 will focus on the aftermath of WM33, and Mark's reaction, and what gets him to come back to wrestling, but I hope they get Roman's take as well. Is he as disappointed as 'Taker? Does he blame himself? Or, did he actually like what they did, flaws and all?

Content warning: they show the botched top rope dive from WM25, the one where 'Taker goes head-first into the mat. It's during the segment where Mark explains how he comes from the era of 'if you can move, you can make it to the ring'. He's okay, and we know he's okay, but it doesn't make it hurt any less to watch. They also mention the time he was severely sick and still worked a match with Big Show, and how he caught on fire in 2010 on the way to the Elimination Chamber match. Like, they actually show him engulfed in flames, then narrate how he went on to work the match. I love you, Undertaker, but JFC.

And now we're at the medical portion of the episode. Warning for needles.

Actual showtime for the match, and even now, 'Taker's entrance gives me chills. That feeling of happiness is indescribable, and is that precious something that never fails to make me smile.

So, everything else in the match is framed as great, brutal, well-done, and then that damn botched tombstone reversal comes up, and it's honestly the hardest thing to watch in the entire episode. I swear, it's the only bad thing in my eyes, and seems to be enough to make 'Taker dissatisfied. Again, I'm biased, with others saying his whole mood was off during the match, and that affected the overall performance, so what do I know? But, I will say this, ending 'Mania on such a grim note will always be a strange choice to me. I get it, if not the main event, where else would you put the Undertaker’s retirement match? Still, it completely changed my perception of the whole night, from riding high to finding myself depressed, once again. And maybe that’s exactly what all those wrestlers, namely Vince McMahon, were talking about. Instead of this being Shawn Michaels going out on a high note, it’s far more dour.

Mark: We'll see what tomorrow brings. 

And with that look, and the fact he's had a match as recently as March/April of this year, he won't be gone for long.

Preview for the next episode contains intense surgical imagery. Just a heads up.

Post-episode thoughts:

I learned very little new information, but that's not the the hook of this series for me. Undertaker's the first character I ever truly loved, long before the likes of Supernatural came into my life. An interesting dynamic is potentially seeing both the Undertaker retire, and Supernatural come to a close, in the same year. I don't find myself mourning either, because I've already been through that. Now, I just want to indulge in behind-the-scenes tales, and watch two of the most influential stories in my life come to a close.

I greatly look forward to Chapter 2 of The Last Ride, and the rest of the episodes to come.

[imajin-that]

Meet Cutes - Joshua x Reader

A/N: I’m going to be honest with you, I have no idea if this is any good, but I wanted to write it, and its kind of incomplete? I could be persuaded to continue lol (I probably will anyway.) With Seventeen’s new comeback having me feel some type of way, enjoy this soulmate fluff thing. It features Meanie and Verkwan, and if I do another part, it will probably also have Jeongcheol because I am trash for my ships. Anyway, I love Josh so much, so please enjoy. Remember, our requests are open, so please feel free to request! Also there’s probably going to be a Minghao fic up on my AO3 soon, but is well over 10,000 words and I’m not even close to being done, so I don’t want to post it on here unless you guys want me too. As always, I hope you enjoy!

♥♥ Admin Daisy

The world you live in is weird. Vampires exist and live alongside humans with minimal problems. There are donation banks for them to feed if they don’t have a human mate, although there are contracts among close friends that allow for vein feeding. There are vampires that are beyond old and there are “baby” vampires. Baby vampires are usually either born vampires (like your best friend Mingyu) or are freshly turned (usually in the case of something life-threatening and only if there is an advanced directive already in place for this, or if they are someone’s mate, or (and this is even rarer) they petition the elders and then there’s a lot of psychological tests to make sure they aren’t, like, mass murderers or something.) It was really uncommon to not know a vampire in this day and age. Its no longer kept a secret and studies have shown younger vampires learn to control their urges and strength earlier and easier when around humans. That’s actually how you met Mingyu, shortly after the studies were released in the 80s, all baby vampires were paired with a compatible human baby. Mingyu was born a few months before you but latched on immediately when you were put together to see if you were compatible. Its been you two, plus the friends you’ve made growing up, ever since.

“I can feel that I’m going to meet him soon!” Mingyu had been telling you about his mate, something you barely understood. Apparently, all of the Old Ones have mates although not all of them are mated. Something about them not being born yet or not being found in one lifetime, or whatever Mingyu was saying.

“How do you know they’re a he? What if they’re a she and they’re sad because you were misgendering them?” Mingyu scoffed and took a drink of his coffee, they didn’t need to eat human food, but it helped them go longer without needing blood. It was another thing you didn’t understand but knew to be true, like vampire mates.

“I can tell. It's like.” He paused, trying to come up with the best example. “It's like when you look outside and it’s sunny and nice but you can feel the storm coming. You just know.”

“Oh. Do you know if they’re human or not?” You took a sip of your own coffee, briefly wincing at how hot it still was, Mingyu had ordered the coffee before you got there and it was finished as you arrived, but the two of you had been sitting in the coffee shop for a good twenty minutes. It was Tuesday, which meant that in another ten, Vernon and Seungkwan would show up. They were a pair of mates that would be insufferable with how in love they were if it weren’t for Vernon’s calm demeanor. You had met them when they first started at the college, Seungkwan shared a math class with you and had claimed you as his friend very quickly, adopting Mingyu in the process. He’d apparently met Vernon in high school and followed him to college so he could be with him.

“That’s the thing. They have to be. I can sense that they’re a lot older than me. Like, hundreds of years a lot.”

“So you’re gonna get stuck with an old man.” You snickered and he looked scandalized. “If he’s a vamp he’s probably young looking. And handsome. You’re all attractive as hell. It's not fair.”

“It's okay, Y/N, you can admit you’re in love with me, it won’t change our friendship.” He reached across the table to softly brush your cheek with the tips of his fingers. “If I wasn’t already technically taken, we would make a lovely couple.” You fake gagged at him, swatting his hand away from your face in the process. He just snickered at you.

“Is Mingyu flirting again?” Vernon had arrived, his mate nowhere in sight, however, prompting you to ask after complaining about Mingyu being his usual self. “Seungkwan’s dad asked to meet with him, apparently some of the Old Ones are coming to campus. Three of them have pinpointed their mates to this college. Seungkwan is only going to be in charge of one of them, but I guess it’s an important meeting.”

“Oh, so then I guess we’ll have another person joining us?” You were followed closely by Mingyu’s “Text him to get the new guy’s coffee order!”

“Seungkwan promised he’d give us all of the details as soon as he knew them.” Vernon had taken a seat in the spot Mingyu had moved from, sliding next to you instead. “I’m worried about him. He can be serious, but he has such a bright personality. I don’t want him to accidentally offend one of them and get hurt.” Vernon frowned a little before brightening and waving his arm, when you turned, you saw his mate glancing around the room with a stranger you could only describe as tall, dark, and handsome. And a resting bitch face, but you had one too so you couldn’t judge too much. Next to you, Mingyu prattled on making fun of how excited the normally calm Vernon was.

“Aww, the face of a man who’s whipped, what are you gonna do when-” Seungkwan and the stranger arrived at the table, and Mingyu was effectively cut off when he looked into the eyes of the stranger. Both of their eyes softened, the stranger’s black eyes melted into a warm brown. You realized that this was the man Mingyu was telling you about earlier.

“And our love story comes to an end,” you faked wistfulness, causing Mingyu to laugh but the newcomer to glare at you. His eyes were hard and it made you squeak and shrink in your seat. “I was kidding, I’m sorry.”

“Uh oh,” Vernon snickered and you sent him a glare. “Seungkwan, introduce your friend and us so he stops glaring at Y/N.”

“Oh! Right!” Seungkwan’s voice was cheery despite everything that had been going on. “Wonwoo, that’s Mingyu. The whole reason we were paired together! Next to him, is Y/N, his human and closest friend. And my mate, Vernon.” At the last part, he pushed himself in Vernon’s space and rubbed his face on the other’s. Both you and Mingyu looked on in disgust, but Wonwoo’s eyes stayed on you.

“I’m sorry.” His voice was deep and it made you blink for a moment. “We can be possessive with our mates, especially when we first meet them. As a vampire, we know immediately that we have a mate, it.” He took a moment to pause, looking down at the table before looking back up sheepishly. “It made me a little jealous that despite knowing I was close, he would be with someone else.”

“It's mostly me, I’ll make sure not to do it anymore.” This time Mingyu spoke up, slightly bumping his knee with yours. “We’ve known each other since we were in diapers. But I don’t have any romantic feelings for him. We’re very close and very tactile with each other. But I’ll try not to do any of that from now on.” Wonwoo’s mouth parted in surprise, before shaking his head.

“As long as it’s not romantic, I don’t have a problem with it. Most vampires are tactile with their family and mates. If you’re his family, you’re mine too.” Wonwoo paused again, as if trying to decide if he wanted to continue before pressing his lips in a line.

“You can have this seat, I’ll go order for you, Boo, and Vernon. What do you guys want?” Vernon and Seungkwan wanted their usual and Wonwoo wanted an iced americano. You thought it was kind of funny because it matched his exterior. He’d have to be somewhat soft with Mingyu as his mate. You startled slightly when Wonwoo’s hand brushed your shoulder when you walked by him, Thanks.

There was a bit of a line at the order counter and you pulled out your phone to help pass the time. You had a message from Jihoon, someone you shared a music class with, asking if you were at the cafe still. You replied with a yes and asked why, but were left on read. You frowned but moved onto checking your emails before scrolling through twitter. The line moved slowly enough that you received a text from Mingyu telling you to get another drink for him and yourself, as he drank yours. You snorted and rolled your eyes, sending a thumbs up back. There was some shuffling next to you, and when you looked up, you were startled to see Jihoon and a stranger, his eyes were regular vampire black and you smiled politely at the stranger before focusing on your classmate.

“Want coffee? Apparently Mingyu is buying.” Jihoon shook his head but smiled. “Okay, what can I do for you, then?” He gestured to the man next to him, who now that you looked closer had honey eyes and was unbelievably handsome. Literally the guy of your dreams as far as looks go. He had soft cat-like eyes and a gentle face, expression kind as he stood a little ways away from Jihoon but closer to you than you would expect from a stranger.

“Y/N, this is Joshua. He’s, well, he wanted to meet you.” Jihoon was smirking and Joshua looked sheepish.

“Uhh,” Before you could comment on that, the person at the counter moved and you took the time to order all of the drinks. “We’re at the table that’s between the fireplace and the windows.” You tapped your phone to the card reader and watched as it thought before displaying it was approved, thanking the cashier as you took the receipt. “It’s nice to meet you, but I can’t imagine why you’d want to meet me.” You gestured for them to follow you to your table, but Jihoon said he couldn’t stay and walked off.

“You don’t,” Joshua paused and bit his lip, “You don’t know?”

“No?” You stopped in front of the table and turned to him. “I’m sorry.” You weren’t sure why he looked so hurt by you not knowing, but Mingyu’s gasp drew your attention to him.

“We both found mates today!” You looked at Mingyu and Wonwoo’s hand before startling, his eyes had changed the same way Wonwoo’s did.

“I’m so dumb.” You pressed your hand to your face and groaned. “Sorry, Joshua, I didn’t even realize.”

“Oh yikes,” Vernon spoke this time, “Both of you got stuck with Old Ones.”

“That means they’re like extra possessive. I can totally understand one of them letting you be close, but both of them?” Seungkwan burst into laughter, a fond smile coming to Vernon’s face.

“Am I missing something?” Joshua had a musical voice, the kind that made you want to listen to whatever he had to say. But it was also commanding in the way that spoke of power and underlying strength.

“Only that Wonwoo almost had Y/N’s head earlier because of how close she and Mingyu are.” Wonwoo glared at Seungkwan.

“I wouldn’t have hurt her.” His voice sounded like he was sulking and Mingyu already looked so endeared. It made you smile, he was your best friend and you were beyond glad he was happy.

“I see.” From Joshua’s voice, he didn’t see and wasn’t happy about the idea.

“Let’s sit down,” Spoken to Joshua. “Our drinks should be here soon, here’s your receipt, Mingyu. I tried to get Josh and Jihoon drinks too, but they said no.” Mingyu laughed.

“I’m sorry for drinking your coffee. But it was getting cold and you were taking a long time.”

“I tried to stop him,” Wonwoo spoke with the ease of friendship, and it made you think of something you had read in your studies a while ago about two vampire mates being able to share memories and feelings once they met. Vampires who have human mates can push their own onto the human, but cannot receive it from the human except in rare cases. It was unfortunate because soon you would know everything about Joshua, but he would only know the basics about you. The thought made you frown, both of your hands were suddenly being held. Mingyu’s in your right and Joshua’s in your left. Both were meant to comfort you and both did.

“Thanks, guys.” You squeezed both of their hands before releasing Mingyu’s hand. Before you could say anything else, a waitress brought your drinks out and you reached for your drink immediately, but a hand moved to put it back down before you could take a drink.

“It’s too hot, love. Wait a moment.” You smiled sheepishly as Joshua, realizing he was right. He pulled the plastic lid off the container and turned to Wonwoo. “I’m surprised we didn’t get assigned the same person since our mates are so close. She doesn’t seem particularly close to Jihoon, but the others said she was.”

“Maybe because they were partners on a project for their music class?” It was Vernon who spoke up, “She’s been spending more time with him for the last month than us. Although she and Mingyu share an apartment, so he still got to see her. Uh,I’m Hansol Vernon Chwe, by the way. Seungkwan’s mate. My friends just call me Vernon, though.”

“Joshua Hong. It's nice to meet you.” Joshua’s smile was gentle but the color from Vernon’s face drained.

“Like, Seventeen’s Joshua?” At Joshua’s nod, he continued. “I uh, sorry for being so informal.”

“You’re friends with Y/N, that makes you a friend of mine.”

“Is it that a big deal? What’s Seventeen?” You were confused and looked between Vernon, Joshua and Mingyu for help. Mingyu mimed shaking hands and biting something, hands shaped into claws. It donned on you then, Seventeen was the group that head spearheaded peace talks between humans and vampires and pushed for equal rights. They were the ones who suggested blood banks and strict contracts after their now CEO found his mate, a human, and didn’t want him to be isolated from his friends and family. That had been at the turn of the 20th century, but Seungcheol had lived a long time before that. All of this information had been given out in the name of complete transparency, the idea that if you knew what exactly you were getting into, there would be less fear and stigma. It had worked, if your friends were anything to go by. “You’re that Joshua?”

“Yes.” He was suddenly shy and fearful as if you would reject him. “Seungcheol and I worked really hard to try and help people coexist. I know I’m old but I won’t hurt you.”

You flung your arms around him, “Thank you for giving me my best friend.” Everyone at the table was shocked. Tears sprang to Mingyu’s eyes, realizing that even though he was technically an apex predator, if they were still in hiding, he would have you. You two had done so much for each other while you were growing up, and you couldn’t imagine a life without him and the thought of someone hunting him made you sick.

“I-” You cut him off with a sob.

“What if I never got to meet you because of this.” You had been near each other long enough for you to feel the mating bond, incomplete until he bit you, but there none the less. You already had the pull of feelings, the kind that would only get strong the longer you were together. “Thank you for finding me.” Joshua wrapped his arms around you and rubbed his nose along your hairline, pressing a light kiss to your head.

[the-gothmother-writes]

Writing Advice: Description

Hello! Welcome to my office, today we will be discussing writing description.

I probably shouldn’t have such the audacity to post any sort of writing advice on a topic so controversial, but here I am, tossing my two cents into the writeblr well.

Scenery!

We love it and we hate it. Description can be a hard thing to master. Do it right and you end up with a beautiful poetic prose that flows naturally, do it wrong and you end up spending a whole page describing a forest. I’m looking at you Tolkien…all respect though…

In this post I will give some good and bad examples and explain what makes then work and what doesn’t. Come! Sit!

Descriptions are often times hard to understand and hard to get right. Especially in an action sequence. Often times, people get too invested in describing the area around the characters while the stakes are too high.

This presents multiple problems as it brings the reader out of the story, and then thrusts them back in after all the information has been poured upon them. It’s unnatural.

Here are some examples:

Amelia dodged into the alleyway as the drunk lawman stumbled behind her. As she sprinted in, she took in her surroundings. The walls were cracked and a dirty beige, the stone beneath her feet was uneven and crumbling. Flower boxes hung from the windows, filling the otherwise putrid alley with an overwhelming perfume. The alley misleadingly lead to a large, dark brown door, before it turned sharply to continue down the maze of the city. The lawman swung his baton at her and she rolled out of the way. She ran down the turn in the alley as the lawman stumbled into the door.

See what I mean? This description is unnatural because, even though I added the detail that she “took in her surroundings,” the stakes are too high! Really the only thing she should’ve “taken in” was the sharp turn and the door.

Do you see how it brought the reader out of the action and then thrust them back in? It felt like time stopped just so we knew what alley Amelia was running into. Now for the next example!

Amelia dodged into an alleyway as the lawman stumbled behind her. Despite her desperate attempt to escape, he was still hot on her heels. The perfume of flowers mixed with the smell of alcohol on his breath overwhelmed Amelia, he was right behind her! Her feet flew across the crumbling cobblestone ground as he lunged for her, swinging his baton. She rolled out of the way as his baton cracked against the dirty beige wall. She sprung down a narrower path that jutted out of nowhere as the lawman stumbled into the door. With him distracted, Amelia made her escape.

See how much better that was? The description was mixed into the action.

In a high stakes scene it’s important that you put action as your top priority. Sprinkle in description when it becomes absolutely relevant. It also gives you wiggle room to do more showing not telling. At first I just said the drunk lawman, but in the second one, when I had to use another way to describe the flowers, I could use her other senses besides sight, and alcohol from the drunk came out and gave us more hints as to what the antagonist was like.

So in action, use description when it becomes relevant while keeping the action moving. Use all the characters senses, not just sight.

Alright Godmother, we know how to do high stake description, but what about low stakes?

Well I’m so glad you asked. As litty titty as it is to describe every leaf on every tree as your knight rides through the forest, it’s irrelevant.

Low stake description mostly has the same rules as high stakes except your more focused on the emotion of your characters. If they’re happy describe happy things about the environment that reflects their mood. Reflect the tone of the scene. Here are some examples!

Alex crumbled against the rod iron fence. She stared at the street that she called home… It was breathtaking at this hour. A large black tree stood against a pale pink sky. The fancy townhomes stood in a line, gold, coppers and pinks to match the sky above them. A large glass like puddle lay before her, capturing it all. She didn’t belong here.

While this isn’t bad, it has its flaws. For instance, it dumps too much information on you without giving you emotion.

It’s just a block of text picking out colors, you don’t get to experience Alex’s emotions until after the narrator is done talking about what color the houses are. It’s not fair! The text is dumping information on us! It had our child and then dumped it on us to raise on our own. We want a steady relationship with the text, we want feelings! If she doesn’t feel like she belongs, make the description reflect that.

Alex crumbled against the rod iron fence. This…place she called her home was growing too much for her. Everything about it was too perfect, especially at this hour. The dark tree reached it’s limbs out across the blush rose colored sky. The townhomes stood proudly, their regal golden colors almost mocked her. As she looked into the mirror-like puddle, she saw all these reflected, but most of all, herself, and just how much she looked out of place. She didn’t belong here.

Do you see how much more powerful that is? You can feel her emotions, and feelings towards her home much clearer than you could from the first.

In a low stakes scene you want to know the characters emotions, thoughts and desires because this is when the audience and the protag can really connect. The description shouldn’t get in the way of that, it should aid in it. Description that focuses on emotion and tone of the text works best for a low stakes scene.

But yeah! That’s all I have, and I sure do hope it was helpful!

If you disagree with any of these points made, please share your own thoughts and opinions on scenery description and enlighten me, writing is in fact a learning process.

I really hope you learned something from me, and I hope I can do more of this! Next time I’ll be sure to explain character description, because I hear that not a lot of people understand it!

Now if you’ll excuse me, that’ll be all for today. Thank you and goodnight!

[yuseirra]

Hi, you draw really, really well the comics. And i wonder if you could give me advice about how to correctly distribute the drawings in the comics?

Hello!// thanks a bunch for reading my comics, I KNOW you do, and I really appreciate it..!!// I’m glad to hear you’ve been finding them good and enjoyable!

I find this as a very good question!! However I’m not sure if I can give a good answer for this because to be really blunt about it, I don’t have a clear idea on how to do it either.. it’s quite hard to describe. I’ve been doing this for years and at this point, I forgot about all the small processes in between?;I don’t even know if I’m making comics the right way ;v;!!;; It probably isn’t??? and I’m just doing it the way I feel fit and comfy- I never learned stuff like this from anywhere- so I’m not even sure if I can recommend? or tell someone about my ways of doing it..

On the other hand, I figure seeing an example of some sort still be helpful either way! ;v;// if it’s good, you can pick it up, and if there’s something undesirable, you can avoid it. I haven’t thought about this in detail, I’ll organize things as I go, so please understand if I sound a bit all over the place!!

I posted about how I draw comics pretty recently, so you can check that out for the basic processes I go through. So, as you can see from there, the basic steps of making a comic for me would be 1.brainstorming-> 2.draw roughs(write out all the dialogues/decide on how the cuts will be organized)->3.fill/adjust/clean up sketch. I don’t think that’ll be too different compared to most artists.. and the part you’re curious about would be part 2.

last time when I drew a comic I saved the roughs for it and now seems like a great timing to bring that up as an example.

Digital or not, a drawing is drawn on canvas. You have to decide how many cuts will fit into a single page and start working from there. The sketchbook I’m using is a bit smaller than your A4 size paper and I usually go with 3~4 (horizontal)x2~3(vertical) with this one. that makes about 12 cuts on average. When you draw the cuts, make sure they are in a size that fits accordingly to the way you visualize the amount of cuts that’d fit, with some important cuts being big, and some minor cuts being smaller..this isn't required but I tend to make most of my cuts not so different in size- especially vertical-wise because you read things in rows. Things need to be in good flow- if you make one big cut that is bigger vertically, you may need to make two to three cuts that align with it to match the flow of the row. An example of this could be how I arranged the cuts in this drawing↓

the canvas is smaller too (with horizontal/vertical scales being more similar) so about 2-3 cuts can fit horizontally and about 2 vertically! and since I wanted to give more weight to leslie looking at isabella, I gave that cut a bigger room. My cuts aren’t that dynamic though, and compared to actual mangas that use a good use of the shapes and sizes, I still have a long ways to go ‘v’;)//

Another thing you have to think about when you draw a comic is deciding how it’ll start out, cut off, and end. If you draw on a piece of paper like me, cutting things off in the middle is inevitable if you want to make something longer. It shouldn’t feel so abrupt though, and every page should have a sense of being “complete” in a way.

I usually tend to arrange things in a way that’d fit in a single page (I feel you’ve been seeing me drawing 1 page comics) but if that isn’t possible, I think about where exactly I want the page to be wrapped up. A good way to do that, in my opinion, is to place something important in the last panel. Like the most important dialogue in that page or a character’s reaction towards an event. The first cut is very important too, since it’ll give the readers an idea of what’s about to happen and how the rest of the story is going to be like. If you can, it’d be a good idea to make the cut something that’d draw the reader’s eyes. For example, the rough above (which ended up as this comic below ↓) the first cut is pretty self-explanatory! Norman and Emma in a forest, with a baby, a (picnic) basket, holding hands. You’d probably know what to expect from there.

It’s the same thing as writing a story. After getting an idea (e.g: norman and emma going on a picnic together and emma climbing trees) you decide on the beginning (they’re in a forest) and confirm how it’s going to end (they are satisfied) and think of the main events in between (emma climbs a tree and norman watches her happily). Cut that up and distribute how things will play out, in the provided space! When you get the hang of it, you’ll find your own pace with making stories and how things feel natural for you. 

So this must have been what’s been going on in my head as I draw comics too. I just don’t “think” about doing it this particular way as I do it, but this must be how..! I actually try a lot right// I love writing dialogues, and I fix things and consider about the pace but it’s just so hard to describe what exactly goes on my head as I’m doing it..It’s just so nice/// to hear you think I’ve been doing a nice job!//

If you desire making polished works, I very recommend looking at published comics too!! ;v;// webcomics/webtoons have been the trend lately and those work with a totally different flow, but I’m more used to making page-based comics and I get a lot of insps from ones that are. Plus they’re professionals so they do a skilled and wonderful job at it, and you can really learn on how dynamic some cuts are. I’m more focused on making my drawings “fitting the canvas and filling up the whole paper without cutting things out” whereas commercial works seem less restricted with such and use bigger and detailed cuts, and the way they do it is very interesting. Right now I’m taking the more safer methods and making most of my cuts similar in size but a lot of comics I see take bigger steps and challenges! I’d love to do that too in the future ‘v’)9 

I hope this was good advice!// good luck drawing! Again, thanks for reading my comics, as much as I love drawing stuff out of my ideas, it’s much more enjoyable when you have someone you can share it with and I’ve been having a lot of fun thanks to you and everyone!

[apparentlynotreallyfinnish]

Do you have any advice on how to develop a long fic plot? Most of my ideas have little plot, and I have no idea how to come up with one. My simple ideas might be okay for a 2000 word fic, but not a 75,000 word one. My ideas are like Rhett and Link go to a fancy restaurant, or Rhett has a backache and Link massages him. They aren’t these big, multifaceted ideas that make a whole story like good writers (like you!) seem to have. I wish I could figure out how to get better at ideas and plotting.

Hello, lovely anon. I’m gonna describe my process plot planning Let Me Be Your Light. Maybe that will help you. :)

This became quite long, sorry…

It started with the idea of Rhett being a lighthouse keeper. That was the starting point. (I’m pretty sure I was heavily influenced by @its-mike-kapufty‘s tmoy fic that was posting around that time and wanted to do a grumpy Rhett.) I don’t remember if Link being a helicopter pilot was the first thing I thought for him but it was one of the firsts. I wanted them to meet intermittently so there would be plenty of pining (lol). I decided on a monthly meeting and figured a year would be a good timeline. So, originally the fic was supposed to be 12 chapters long. 

I started by doing some research on lighthouses and decided that it would be located on Canada. I did some weather research and figured that near St. Johns would be best fit for the mood of my story (or the mood I had in my head at that point). I actually found two islands names North and South Bird Island and made up a third one for Rhett. ^^

I did some research on the area’s flora and fauna and what kind of unusual weather they might have etc. Some of it is used in the story, most is not. I had about 4-ish pages of notes on Newfoundland after I was done with my research. (Side note, don’t get too caught up on this part. There’s always more stuff to research. You gotta stop at some point and actually plot plan/write.)

The grumpy Rhett premise kind of naturally lead to a ‘hate to love’ story but that’s something to decide. What excites you? What kind of fics do you love to read? What would you like to read but haven’t seen?

I wrote little character bios for Rhett and Link. Not sure if anyone cares but here they are (some stuff was added later after developing the plot):

Rhett: writer, phd in some scientific field, a marine biologist. Lives off of book money and writing scientific excerpts for magazines.  Was married. Wife died (was pregnant) when he was 33. They were in the car together. He has severe ptsd and survivors’ guilt. They’d been together since high school. Been alone for 8 years. Been at the light house for 6 years. A colleague helped him to rent it. The lighthouse itself is automated. He does do little maintenance stuff like clean the solar panels and change parts etc. Is probably like a 1-2 in Kinsey scale. So mostly straight but…  Being alone is kind of a punishment but also something he needs, because people and crowds freak him out. He was like that even before the crash, but it made it worse. Also, can’t deal with people anymore. Especially happy people. Is basically afraid of happiness.

Link: a helicopter pilot, the supply runs are a monthly sidegig. Usually flies a medical helicopter. Openly gay. Dating a lot, a few longer relationships but nothing really serious.  Always felt like something didn’t add up. Generally happy person with childlike wonder. Very impulsive and emotional. Open book. Often speaks before thinks. Has a lot of buddies but not many close friends. Always felt it was hard to feel connected with a person. Might be because was in a closet for a long time and always felt like he was lying to everyone around him. Has been out for 10ish years now. After he came out, kind of went to the other extreme and constantly threw his gayness in other people’s faces. Is still a bit like that but not so much. Loves flirting and getting a reaction, but really just wants everyone to be happy.

I would probably do this for other major character but didn’t have many in this fic. Stevie and Alex kind of sneaked their way in later. :D

I’m a visual planner so at this point I took a big sheet of paper and divided it into 12 section. I wrote the beginning (they meet for the first time) and the end (the proposal) in boxes 1 and 12. Then I added some bits: this is where they fight, this is where Link can’t come, this is when they have sex for the first time, this is where Rhett needs to go to the hospital etc. Then I looked at my researched and did some shuffling around to match the weather appropriately. The beginning month was purely decided on the fact that I had to have Link stay the night during the Nor'easters (storm) that are the worst between November and March. There were other stuff too, like when was the best time to see the icebergs. I went a bit crazy here and actually looked at weather history form 2017 (or 2018, not sure anymore) to get exact weather information for the dates. So while I was writing I knew exactly what the weather was like. :D

Little by little I added bits and pieces. This took a few days. I can’t really give advice how to exactly do this. I just think of stuff up and try it out. When I had something for every month I started to write.

I can’t have a too detailed plan. Usually I have a sentence or two per chapter; the main thing that needs to happen. Otherwise I won’t feel compelled to write. But this may be different for you. Some people need the detailed plan.

The plan changed a little when I started writing. After I wrote the first chapter I added the stones. At first I searched for a new stone every time I wrote a chapter but after like 4-5 chapters I made a plan and figured all the rest, so I had a list of those. The last few changed though when the whole ending changed.

I updated my chapter plan as I wrote. I write in order. Some people write the bits they are most excited about first but I could never do that, I’d never finish the boring parts after. I need the good stuff as a motivation to get over the writing lulls. 

I got @sass-and-panache as a beta after I had written the first chapter. She helped immensely with the plot planning. We brainstormed together when I felt stumped and she regularly reigned me in when I went OOC with my characters. Sometimes I get stuck on a tiny idea and refuse to realize it does not work in the story. She was very good in telling me when I did this. There were a few things we disagreed on, though. ;) And when that happened I just did what I wanted. (Because I’m stubborn AF.)

Gosh, this became obnoxiously long… Sorry. Not sure if there is anything useful here. Maybe I’ll try to bullet point a bit:

1. Think of a premise. A couple dynamic you want to explore or an interesting setting or maybe a certain kind of ending.

2. Do some research if you can. It might spark some plot points you wouldn’t have thought otherwise.

3. Get to know your characters.

4. Make a plot plan. Visual or written. Don’t consider it written in stone. It will change.

5. Write.

6. Talk to someone about your plot. Get a beta if you can/want.

7. Re-plan if necessary.

8. Write some more.

9. Get stuck researching puffins (oh, sorry, that’s just me…whoops!).

10. If something doesn’t seem to work, don’t be afraid to scrap it. I’ve written whole chapters again when I’ve realized they didn’t fit the story. (If you do this, save the scrapped bits on another document. Sometimes you can use parts later.)

11. Write some more.

12. Cry when it’s done.

13. Write a way too detailed description how you planned the fic that no one wants to read. Think about deleting it and replying something else. Be too lazy to do so.

I hope this helped. Or if it didn’t, I hope this amused you a bit.

[bookenders]

11/11/11 Tag Game: Rounds 24, 25, 26, and 27

Tagged by the wonderful @corsairesque, the lovely @azawrites, the stellar @sunlight-and-starskies, and the incomparable @inexorableblob - thanks!

And @inexorableblob, thank you for letting me rewrite the end of The Great Gatsby. It was very cathartic.

Rules: Answer 11 questions, write 11 questions, tag 11 people!

Bilbo Taggins: @aurumni-writes @quilloftheclouds @aslanwrites @starlitesymphony @writingonesdreams @waterfallwritings @cataclysmic-writer @ren-c-leyn @timefirewrites @minusfractions @ink-flavored - and if you like the questions and aren’t tagged, feel free to answer them! And tag me so I can see! 

My Questions:

How many licks would it take for your OCs to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

What are your favorite smells?

What’s the book you’ve read most recently? What did you think of it? What impressed you? What would you have done differently?

What are your thoughts on mugs?

If your OCs had a comic book series/graphic novel about them, what would it be called? What would be on the cover? What would the art style be?

Can you draw a bear?

Do you do any other kinds of art? Are you ever influenced by other kinds of art? What about other areas like science or mathematics/other disciplines?

Have you read any craft books or writing advice books? If yes, how have the helped or hindered you? Which would you recommend? If no, would you ever consider reading them?

What are your favorite kinds of narratives? What narrative structures do you prefer to write and what do you prefer to read?

What’s your favorite recipe?

What are some signs that make you consider setting a project aside vs continuing with it?

As always, answers under the cut!

@corsairesque‘s Questions:

1. Do you create playlists for your stories or characters?

I do! 

Here’s a detailed post about how I make them.

This is Mel’s from H2H.

This is Gemma’s from H2H.

This is one for the story I recently posted.

And I have one for each WIP on my WIP page! (Mostly, I’m still working on Fish Food’s.)

I actually have folders in Spotify for my characters and stories. Each one gets a playlist.

2. What is your stance on endings that don’t end with some hope?

Sometimes a story needs to have a certain ending to have an emotionally satisfying conclusion. I don’t think hope is absolutely required for an ending. I’ve ended stories without hope because that’s how the story ends. If I wrote it to conclude with an upturn, it would’ve been disloyal to the narrative. Like life, not everything ends happily, or with a positive outlook.

If you want it from a more technical perspective, there are three sorts of endings: positive, negative, and neutral. They can mix and match, but these are the three base ones. I tend toward neutral or positive-neutral endings. The best story I’ve written so far has a negative-leaning neutral ending because it concludes with a loss that does not promise hope. Positive endings are not necessary for a narrative, or for a conclusion. 

Sometimes you need to write a hopeful ending. Sometimes you need to read a hopeful ending. And sometimes you need to read or write something that ends on a down-note. I know I have. 

So, TL;DR, there is no ending hierarchy. It all depends on the reader and the writer, what they need, and what the story demands.

3. What author would you love to hear feedback from on your WIP?

Of literally anyone? Dead or alive? I mean. I’d love to hear what Flannery O’Connor would have to say about my short stories. I try to do a remix-version of her moments of grace in each of them.

4. What is the genre of your WIP(s)?

I mention these on my WIP page!

Most of my short stories are literary and contemporary fiction. My longer projects tend toward low fantasy.

5. How do you come up with new ideas for your WIP(s)?

I don’t have a method or anything for idea generation. My brain works in the background while I’m doing other things, so I’ll be washing dishes, or brushing my teeth, or writing something else, and an idea goes HI HELLO WHAT ABOUT THIS HUH? and I scramble to write it down.

Most of the time, my story ideas come from cool sentences I think of while observing. That sounds super weird and nerdy, but it’s true! When I’m bored or need to occupy my brain or just sorta feel like creating something spontaneous, I’ll look around and figure out how I’d write about a certain thing in the vicinity. 

Some examples of this from my phone notes:

“Laughter echoing through a cave, bouncing off the walls, the gift of hearing it over and over until it fades like gentle waking”

“Cheeks baked pink from the flush of her modesty”

“The last remnants of home, the dirt hidden beneath their fingernails”

“Headlights flicker between the gaps in the barrier like a slipstream of stars”

Ya know, stuff like that.

Sometimes, if I’m stuck while writing and need a thought, I look at the plot and think up complications for my characters to face. That’s how I figured out how to make Lithium 100% more plot relevant. I thought, okay, so she has this role right now, what can I add to make her stand in the way of X plan while also being an asset to Y? And boom, idea generated and problem solved.

6. What do you use to keep all your writing on? (Scrivener, Google Docs, good old pen and paper…)

I use Scrivener for all my main writing. I have a ton of phone memo notes for ideas on the go. I have a notebook full of random stuff for when I’m blocked and need to hand write something.

I also answered this further down!

7. What gave you initial inspiration for your WIP(s)?

H2H: There was a publisher who had a call for shapeshifter stories, and then I missed the deadline so I decided to try for a zine instead, then I got rejected, so I made it into my own thing.

AOPC: I needed to flesh out a piece of my homebrew DnD world, so I started worldbuilding, then it was my turn to turn in a story to be workshopped in my writing class, so I wrote a thing set in the village about the tribe and it all spiraled out from there.

FF: I had an errant thought about the script that hero and villain stories follow and wrote a thing about what would happen if one of them decided to deviate from it and BOOM the plot hit me like a semi truck.

Almost all of my short stories start with a sentence I think sounds really cool, a tone I want to try to capture (ex. the feeling of standing inside an old cathedral), or the ending moment of a character arc (I tend to work backwards).

8. How long have you been working on your WIP(s)?

I’ve been working with Heart to Heart since November 2018. I started thinking about Fish Food like 3 months ago I think? And I got the idea for All Our Painted Colors 3ish years ago, but it started as a short story that I thought about expanding about 8 months ago.

My writing process starts with a long period of thought percolation before I write anything definitive down.

9. What was the first thing you came up with for your WIP(s)?

H2H: The fact that the main character is an apothecary who uses recipes from historical documents to brew things and lives in a small town, and that their love interest changes shapes in some way.

AOPC: That the tribe is a society based around body paint, art, preserving their personal history, and stories. But mostly paint. 

FF: The hero danging over a pit of hungry piranhas and asking the villain a question that throws off the whole “death threat” vibe.

10. Have you considered Hogwarts houses for your characters? If so, what are they?

Answered this for the H2H cast here.

As for the Fish Food cast:

Iron Will - Hufflepuff

Overseer - Ravenclaw

Nightmare - A Hufflepuff who asked to be in Slytherin and the hat said “yeah okay”

Lithium - Gryffindor

Babylon - Slytherin

Sparkplug - Gryffindor

11. What do you find easiest to write? (Description, dialogue, etc.)

Interiority! Free indirect discourse! Unvoiced character brain thoughts! Which I guess means description? 

Writing dialogue sucks old car tires!

@azawrites‘ Questions:

what’s the best part about your writing style? I like how I build up to emotional punches. It’s like walking up a ramp, but in a literary way. And at the top of the ramp you either get a gut punch of feels or an ice cream cone.

do you write on the computer or on paper? I do most of my writing on my laptop because my hands can’t write fast enough to keep up with my brain. My typing is way faster. If I’m having trouble getting an idea down, or the tone of the writing lends itself to being handwritten (idk how to describe this, but sometimes words just gotta be scribbled, ya know?), I’ll hand write it in pen. I don’t use pencils anymore because I wasn’t allowed to in college and it kinda stuck.

what are your favourite books and why? Oh, no, there are too many. So I’ll just say my top book: The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien because of how it deals with stories and grief and remembering, the fact that it’s a story cycle (which is very cool), and the way he writes - it’s beautiful and sad and messed up and poignant. I love it.

why did you start writing? I’ve answered this before, but there was never really starting point for me. It’s just something I’ve always done. 

why did you continue writing? Because I had too much fun to stop! I also get creatively constipated, I guess is how I would phrase it, and need to have some sort of narrative outlet or my brain gets really mad at me.

where do you usually write? Pretty much anywhere, but most often at my desk. I think I need a taller chair, though...

can you describe your favourite piece (written by you) in one sentence? Let’s get authory with this one: The teacher hands out the tests, multiple choice this time, but when the stapled packet slides across your desk, there’s something odd about it, something that brings the war to life inside your head, a long-forgotten voice that speaks the souls of the soldiers and tells their stories from the annals of history. Or: A multiple choice test about WWII that tells the story of 4 men from Company B from enlistment to the end of their campaign.

what’s one cliche/trope you overuse, but still like anyway? It’s a trope when it comes to my own writing, actually. Person Sits Alone in the Dark and Contemplates. I love it, I abuse the hell out of it, and I will never stop.

what music do you listen to when working on a WIP? Depends. I have a go-to Writing Flow State song, playlists to help me get in the right head space when writing certain characters, and playlists that help guide the tone of a story. I can never listen to movie or video game scores because the association of song and cinematic moment is too strong for me.

have you ever dreamed of a fictional character? Uh, I have the occasional nightmare about Kokopelli? Does that count? 

what’s one thing that makes you automatically dislike a book? Overly pretentious first person POV prose (and I don’t mean purple. I mean a character who - honestly and without a hint of satire - thinks like a writer from the 1920s who just discovered what “paid by the word” means and believes they’re the wisest human being in the universe and everyone who doesn’t agree with them is the basest of idiots - barf). Gratuitous female violence. The use of the word “loins” outside of an animal context. Everything about The Beginners by Rebecca Wolff. 

@inexorableblob‘s Questions:

Which of your characters could you write as twice their current age? Oh, man, I think writing Iron Will in his forties or fifties would be really cool. It’d certainly give the story a new commentary twist.

Which of your characters could you write as half their current age? (I’m not gonna cheat and say Mel, I promise.) I think writing a 30yo Treena would be very cool. However, writing a 13 or 14yo Lithium who is just learning how to use her super powers would be WILD. 

What big city would your characters do best in?  London?  New York? Tokyo?  Mexico City?  Rio? The Fish Food characters would all do best in New York or London, since they’re very close to Conover. Lithium would prefer Rio, though, and Babylon would lobby for everyone to move to Tokyo.  The H2H characters would do best in Mexico City or London, depending on who decides to take charge and teach everyone the local customs. 

What would your characters do if they were in a small rural community that was attacked by underground worms? This is giving me too many ideas for H2H. Gemma would be a little bit furious, since she hates having to get rid of animals, especially when they’re invasive. If the worms just minded their own gosh dang business then everyone could live in peace.  If we’re talkin’ normal sized worms, like worm-sized worms, then Gemma would develop a pesticide that wouldn’t kill them, but force them to the surface where they would then be stunned by whatever weird solution Mel comes up with. Then the town would have a Worm-Off, where the person who collects the most worms wins free pie for a year, courtesy of Harry’s.  If we’re talkin’ DnD-style Purple Worms, like Beetlejuice worms, then Mel would take over. She’d help organize an evacuation and steal Oz’s gun, just in case. Then she’d do some spoilery things with Gemma assisting.

What is the worst place where you’ve ever wanted to write? Probably while I was taking the math section of the SATs. Kinda inconvenient, brain, thanks for that. Other terrible places: mid job interview, in the middle of an empty street at midnight, anywhere I’m sitting where I have terrible posture, watching a slam poetry event in a very crowded bar, etc.

What’s the most uncomfortable subject you’ve ever written about? I’ve written a little bit about hate crimes and loathed every second. I’ve written a character actively contemplating suicide (he was a WWII soldier) and that was not fun at all. I mean, I also wrote a paper about sexy (somewhat graphic) wlw poetry for my Sexuality class, which a lot of people would be uncomfortable with, but I thought it was a very good collection. Go read Marilyn Hacker’s stuff, it’s good.

If you had to change the ending of any famous novel, which would you pick? The Great Gatsby. We don’t end with the green light, screw the green light.  Gatsby wills all of his possessions and wealth to Nick and Nick becomes the next James Gatz. But this time around, he pines for the man who was killed in the pool just below his balcony while pretending to love Jordan, who finds out and amicably marries him because 1920s. She then uses Nick/Gatsby’s money to purchase an automobile manufacturing company and makes cars in every color but yellow. (Gotta maintain that color symbolism for F. Scott, I guess.) Nick discovers Gatz’ old bootlegging and illegal activities buddies and starts up a criminal empire. He and Jordan become the biggest, queerest, most spiteful and angsty crime bosses in New York. Nick makes it his life’s mission to take down false accusers, vigilante style. The car manufacturing company is what they use to launder money. Daisy divorces Tom because they’re both terrible people. Daisy takes her daughter and moves to California. Jordan sends Daisy’s daughter money secretly, about a hundred dollars a month. The last line is something about how Gatz was always reaching out and chasing green, but because of him, Nick is steeped in dark, bloody red. I would then write a sequel about Nick and Jordan and their crime empire that spans the East Coast. God, I hate this book.

If you had to change your life, what would you change without regret? Start therapy way earlier, 100%. That would have saved me a lot of nonsense.

If the end of the world where scheduled a week from tomorrow, what would you do?  Would you tell anybody? Everybody?  Keep it a secret? Assuming this was legit and the end of the world was actually happening, I’d probably try to tell some big-shot geologist or something, hoping they spread the word. Other than that, since debt won’t be a thing, I’d take the people I love on a killer trip around the world.

What would you do if a wizard offered to cast one spell for you, but your worst enemy got the same spell? Hmmm. I’d ask them to cast the Self-Realization spell, so they would instantly become aware of the effect their actions have on others and know exactly how terrible they’ve been to other people their whole life. Maybe then they can be a better person. My anxiety makes this spell ineffective on me, since it’s already there! Thanks, brain! 

Which would you choose, never eating in the same place, always eating the same meal, always eating with the same people, or never eating with the same people? I’d choose always eating with the same people. I like frequenting restaurants I like and eating different things. I don’t think I could deal with only eating the same thing/off the same menu forever. And I have bad social anxiety, so constantly eating with new people would probably short-circuit my brain eventually.  A good meal in good company is pretty great, though. 

@sunlight-and-starskies‘ Questions:

What is your favorite genre of music? I’ll always be a rock fan at heart. Right now, I really like folk rock and any kind of music that sounds like it has history behind it.

What are your favorite words? Illustrious, shimmer, soliloquy, incarnate, bound, and many more. Also most Yiddish curses.

Describe your ideal vacation. Somewhere cozy where I can explore and chill at my leisure. A week of artsy events in the city. Exploring landscapes in the country.

If you could have any fictional creature for a pet, what would it be? Why? Pegasus! I can ride and they can fly. We’d make an excellent team, and where we’d go, we wouldn’t need roads.

Which fictional universe would you live in if you had to live there for the rest of your life? Logic dictates the Star Trek universe, since I’d probably be an average civilian. Post-scarcity society? Sign me the hell up. My heart, however, is screaming ROHAN.

Favorite childhood toy? Uh... I honestly can’t remember. 

What is your aesthetic? Good smelling old books with doodles and notes in the margins, a pile of unfolded clean clothes on a chair, a stack of handwritten papers perched on the corner of a desk, the smell of breakfast cooking when you wake up, the immediate “woops” shock the moment you trip over something you should’ve moved earlier.

Tell me a random fact about your current project or you. About me: I have a birthmark that kinda sorta looks like an elephant. About Fish Food: The Coalition knows what happened to Hydrophase. So does Sparkplug.

Are you an early bird or a night owl? Night owl, all the way. I like the idea of being a morning person, though. 

What is your favorite food? Pasta! Or any kind of Asian food. 

What is your happiest memory? Oh, geez. Ummm. When I was little, I would curl up in my grandpa’s armchair and eat Burger King breakfast sandwiches on Saturday mornings. 

[02m1lk]

180821 Beijing News Interview

2nd of august 2018, cai xukun’s 20th birthday, it was the day his ‘first child’ - first EP 《1》was ‘born’.

At 5am, he suddenly woke up and hurriedly asked the staff how much longer till his new song would be released at 10am? He then quickly got up, and confirmed it’s been 8 hours since he’s been on weibo to promote the news and discussed the details of the press conference.

That afternoon, in a certain industrial park area within beijing, cai xukun’s press conference officially started with the screams of his fans.

Yet the originally expected ‘fan-interaction’ and game segments did not appear. In that one hour, cai xukun’s every word never left (the topic of) his works. From playing his MV, to his DJ show, the whole time he only talked about one topic - ‘music’.

“I hope what everyone remembers is my music, that is the best gift I can requite everyone with.”

Someone once described cai xukun’s speed of rising in popularity to be higher than china’s ‘high-speed rail’. A year go, his career was still in a ‘blank period’, he was still a half-popular artist who could only let his stress out by doing music; a year later <Idol Producer> shot to fame, quickly making him the representation of the phrase ‘new generation flow’. each weibo post of his easily surpasses millions of reposts, and when the news of his new song was announced, that weibo post speedily broke over a billion reposts.

*new generation flow (?) - sorry i’m not very sure how to translate this, but it generally means the popularity rate/flow of a celebrity in the industry.

But on the flip-side of shooting to fame, are the eyes locked on cai xukun with hostility. Behind the doubts of him ‘not being as impressive as he looks’ are more and more people groundlessly defaming him.

When we met cai xukun, he was different from the public’s opinion of the boy that is sometimes cute, sometime sexy, gradually revealing the maturity and open-mindedness he holds beyond others his age. He says, from the very start, he just wanted to be a singer, music will always be the best weapon against gossips and rumours.

Cai xukun isn’t bothered by the public’s discussions, another reason is that - he throws almost his all into his packed schedule; group album, fan meeting tour… On the afternoon of the interview, he took only a few simple mouthfuls of food before quickly returning to his work mode.

Yet even so, during the afternoon break, the sound of music was still heard coming from cai xukun’s room from time to time. A soft humming and a light cough, proved that the person in the room had no thoughts of allowing him to get a moment of rest.

Though clearly the most concerned about his music and works, but when cai xukun was informed of the many records《1》had broke, the childlike smile only lasted on his face for a second. “I have to repress myself, and let my mind calm down. If I’m too impetuous, I won’t be able to make music down to earth(ly). I want to do even better.”

Stood on stage for the first time at 12 Returned seeking for the stage at 16

“I’d started preparing for EP 《1》after debuting, the reason why I’m only releasing it now is because I hope to take a slower pace, and perfect every detail.” After debuting from <IPD>, many people once doubted cai xukun for only having popularity and no works. Towards the pressure of these discussions, cai xukun smiled and replied with that.

As we know, every song in this EP - from its composition, production to the filming and editing of the MV was personally participated in by cai xukun. Even the filming angle of the scenes, and MV plot had him personally flying to korea and staying up to re-design and edit.

“Worrying over so much, don’t you get tired?” We were curious.

Cai xukun didn’t hesitate a second, “It’s okay. As I’m doing something I like, so I really enjoy every moment.”

Cai xukun seemed to have discovered his interest earlier than others his age.

Cai xukun’s grandpa knew how to play over 10 types of instruments, he’d been influenced since he was young, naturally moving his limbs when he hears music. After starting to attend school, cai xukun was once the student council president, an active member of the school’s literary activities. Speaking under the flag, being the host of parties, he was always taking the lead. “I’d started to unearth my hobbies (interests) then.”

Cai xukun grew up with a democratic family, supporting everything the child likes, and that cultivated cai xukun into someone with his own thoughts (opinions).

He first performed on stage at 12. Back then cai xukun didn’t actually know what music was, but the feeling of being free on stage, made him discover, that he’d already fallen hopelessly in love with singing and dancing, and that he wanted to keep doing it “I’ve been a pretty stubborn person since I was young, I persevere on the things I like.”

Therefore after going to high school in america, cai xukun learned about the pop music over there, and slowly came into contact with composing. The first time he wrote a song, he only wrote a short section of rap, even if it were only a few sentences, but he sang it repeatedly it for a long time.

He progressed to writing sections of lyrics, then tried to hum a melody, then slowly pieced them together to form a song. “A process like this felt really good! From then I discovered myself liking music more and more, I couldn’t help but to be immersed in it.”

In 2015, the 16 year old cai xukun decided to pause his education in america, and returned to take part in <Super Idol>. He said, he didn’t think too much, he only knew there was a stage (back in china). And the him back then, really needed a stage.

In that year of stillness He made peace with the world by writing songs

The cai xukun that controls the stage well now, and the cai xukun from <Super Idol> 3 years ago, are two completely different people.

Back then he was filled with shyness and nervousness. In that period of puberty (change in voice) he sang <Fate>, he eyes only looking straight, not even knowing where the camera was.

The cai xukun then didn’t talk much, only training under the programme’s arranged classes, practicing repeatedly in front of the mirror. He wasn’t the most eye-catching one on stage, everyone’s impression of him was just ‘cute’. “I have very high expectations for myself, I chase after perfection. When I am certain of how I should become (/achieve), I’ll want to do everything I can to change myself.” Cai xukun admits.

<Super Idol> allowed him to receive systemised training, but from his point of view, the year that made him change the most was 2017, when his career was at a temporary pause. The programme was popular at the time, debuting with glory then, many looked well upon cai xukun’s idol journey.

Yet no matter the effort put in, things did not go his way. Bringing up that period of time, cai xukun didn’t say much, and after a glum moment he said; actually a year of stillness doesn’t affect the choices he makes, he only see it as an opportunity arranged for him by the heavens, and is also a gift for his turning 18.

That year, cai xukun had little schedules related to music. Most of his time was spent cooped up at home or in the recording studio, repeatedly listening to music alone, writing sections of songs. Back then someone advised cai xukun to drop his path in music, but he was set on that - other than music, there was nothing else he wanted to do.

“I’m very grateful for myself not giving up on this path back then, to think of it now it was insane, as people had no idea that you were working hard. But I always believed, the most success one can achieve is doing something they like.” Cai xukun recalls smiling.

In may 2017, a period of time when he was the most lost and alone, cai xukun composed his first original track <I Wanna Get Love>. “If you need my baby, I will be your side.”

He says, this is a ‘love song’ written for the fans that had always been watching over him, it had nothing to do with his mentality(/condition) then, he just wanted to create a style that belonged to cai xukun.

While writing this song, he wrote his motto “keeping one’s heart grounded in a world of temptations”, “I took a really important step out, I can ignore the external matters and public’s discussions, as long as I’m focused on composing.” Music, became cai xukun’s conversation with himself during that period of stillness, and was his only way of making peace with the world.

Someone once asked him, if he could return to a year ago, what would he tell himself? Cai xukun admits, he wouldn’t say anything, “Because it’s only when you’ve truly walked through that period of stillness, will you turn into another person. Now I’ve changed, I’ve become stronger than before.”

About <IPD> What he cherishes most is the stage, not fame.

In the public’s eyes, cai xukun’s participation in <Idol Producer> is a ‘fight or die’. There are too many of such survival shows in the mainland, but those that really succeed can be counted with the fingers. And those who’ve gone through such audition programmes would know, that choosing a stage, means having to accept its success or failure, it is a long-term risk.

“I can’t say it’s gambling, but it does need courage.” Cai xukun talks about the reason for participating in <IPD>, “Because you’ve experienced not being recognised (/acknowledged for his skills) and uncared for, so you have to let go of all the previous bad experiences and pressure, and restart. It’s is a difficult thing to do.”

But to stand on stage, he gave up on the opportunities to film, and came to <Idol Producer> to fight.

His first appearance on stage, he chose <I Wanna Get Love>. The first performance, cai xukun became to first person to get an A with his mature stage control.

And yet, the public was mostly on his appearance; middle-parted golden brow hair, blue contacts, a velvet jacket matched with a mesh shirt, even the teachers’ first impression of him was ‘fishnet’.

“If I were to do it for the first time again, I’d still choose a style like this.” To him, ‘sexy’ is a style that belongs to cai xukun, and fits the expression of that song. Besides the stage, any  other voices were not within cai xukun’s radius of taking into consideration.

Cai xukun’s journey in <IPD> was a constant victory, no other trainee could ‘sit’ steadily in the centre position throughout till debut, yet cai xukun did it. There was a time during the competition where the trainees posted on weibo at the same time, cai xukun’s post had three hundred thousand reposts, and two hundred and sixty likes in two hours, shocking the entertainment industry. Many guessed, cai xukun’s generation of popularity is soon arriving.

Towards this, cai xukun himself was more than flattered, even a little dumbstruck. He says, those that have experienced (being at a) low, wouldn’t hope for ‘popularity’ and ‘shooting to fame’ to happen to themselves. He understands that the love he receives are requites from the stage and his works, “I’ll never give myself too many pre-set goals, when people place you on a higher starting point, there indeed will be pressure. But you have to spend more time to practice, to become better, not enjoy yourself in this ‘bunch of fresh flowers’.”

On the 6th of april 2018, zhang yixing announced cai xukun as the centre position of nine percent with 47,640,887 votes, successfully debuting. Cai xukun raised his head and took a deep breath, but still didn’t manage to hold back his tears. He said, that he is grateful for the him four months ago, for having made this decision, for not having given up.

Closing himself up after debut Making use of his spare time to compose

It’s been four months since the end of <Idol Prodcuer>, cai xukun’s daily schedules are packed: nine percent’s 7 consecutive fan meetings within two months, and endless endorsements. Our interview with cai xukun was also delayed for nearly 3 months.

Though surrounded by and stuck in his numerous contracts of business performances, cai xukun still spent most of his time after the competition on music.

After debut, he followed the band to LA for over half a month of training; in july, cai xukun many times flew to korea by himself, personally participating in the making of his new song. Every schedule of his were very low-key, it didn’t seem like he was enjoying the benefits of shooting to fame.

On the flip-side, the world never seemed to forget cai xukun’s existence. Just a video of him brushing his teeth made it to the trending list’s TOP20; any news that mentioned ‘popularity’ or ‘little fresh meat’, whether good or bad, the arrows would be pointed at cai xukun and his fans. Doubting voices like “no works, only popularity” lurked.

Someone once advised him, to not make an english song, but to compose a song with higher singing difficulty, but he always persisted on his own ideas and style in music.

“Because there was always a voice telling me, that I can do even better.” Cai xukun didn’t want to view music as a task because of these doubts towards him, “I want to try different styles, let everyone see the most all-rounded and best (version of) myself, instead of being eager to showcase myself. The process of keeping yourself grounded can only be grasped and persevered with by yourself.”

The competition just ended in april, and cai xukun posted a weibo in may, once again bringing up “keeping one’s heart grounded in a world of temptations”. He hopes to always keep the initial passion he had for music, and to not be affected by the impetuous industry.

Facing the schedules that only get more and more packed, cai xukun often gets only 2 - 3 hours of sleep. Like squeezing toothpaste out of its tube, he squeezes time out to compose; shower time, on flights, at the dinner table, these have all become places for cai xukun to compose. When travelling around for fan meets, cai xukun made use of the time to create 4, 5 songs “After I finish chatting with you and take a ten minute break later, I can write a section of lyrics, as long as I’m willing to. Since I’m still young, I think all of these are ok.”

Until the end, we even forgot, that he is still a boy that just turned 20. We asked, if you aren’t popular anymore in the future, returning to that year of stillness, what would you do?

He answered without hesitation: “I haven’t thought about that, these have never been a part of the things I worry about.”

Q&A

BJN: When are you usually the most happy?

CXK: When I eat (laughs). When I’m alone I listen to music, and get immersed in my own world. I can’t stand not listening to music for a day.

BJN: After debuting, what do you think is your biggest change?

CXK: My mentality hasn’t changed much, I’ve always persevered in doing the things I like. But maybe because it’s in a different environment, sometimes I’m also like a chameleon. They say sometimes I’m cute, but when on stage I become a little ‘arrogant’. In different environments, I turn into different colours.

BJN: Will you try any film-related work next?

CXK: Of course, I’d be to glad to try. But I’ll take every decision very seriously, like when I release music, I’ll be very serious (/careful) about each word, each melody. I’m just as serious when choosing scripts and characters.

BJN: Throughout this experience towards debut, have you ever ‘lost control’ of yourself? Or have you always controlled yourself well?

CXK: I’ve never lost control. If I did, I wouldn’t live tiredly like this. But this kind of tired is enjoyable, as it’s my own choice, because I like it.

BJN: Is 《1》a product of your perseverance in your own style?

CXK: 《1》is a very inclusive album, it doesn’t consist only of mainstream elements; while satisfying the audience, it also consists of my own style. I named it 《1》, as it holds the meaning of a new form of style. Each work is like my child, after this I will continue to extend my style and create new works, I’ll slowly strive it towards perfection. This is something that will never change, it must be my own original work.

BJN: When the public labels you with the tag ‘popularity’, do you get upset?

CXK: I’ll happily accept it, but time will prove everything.

BJN: Your current state (/condition), is it one that you are satisfied with?

CXK: I’ve actually never thought about a state (/condition) that I’d look forward to, or how I should become, and neither have I thought about which high level I have to achieve. I just want to do the things that I like right now, you’ll then be able to achieve the happiness as of right now. You don’t have to give yourself a frame - ‘I have to be this great’, there isn’t a need. If you want to write a song of this certain style today, ok, then it’ll feel nice to just write it out. The type of happiness that is ‘right now’.

Credits; Text: Zhang He Editor: Bao Bao Photography: Zhu Jun Article: https://mp.weixin.qq.com/s/NXbyk0oZgEmShjRDtCsh9g

Full Translations: @02m1lk Do NOT repost, please take out WITH credits.

[seriouslyhooked]

Scoring Your Love (Part 7/?)

Modern AU where Killian is a world famous soccer star who has hit rock bottom and been sentenced to the place where ‘football’ legends go to die – America. While here he crosses paths with Emma, an up and coming musician and film scorer who challenges everything he thought he knew and makes him want more than the game he’s always loved. Will be filled with fluff for days, and eventually rated M.

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six. Story also on FF here and AO3 here.

A/N: Hey everyone! So another chapter is here and it’s the night of the first date! However, where I originally planned to have Killian and Emma’s POV in one chapter, I ended up writing something long enough that it feels right to split it in two. I know, I know, I can hear some of you cursing my name from here, but not to worry, the next chapter is already written and I will be posting it next week so the wait will not be too long! Anyway, before the date, Killian has a bit of a rough patch to get through, but rest assured we will end firmly in a fluffy place. I hope you all enjoy and thank you so much for reading!

“So tonight’s the big night, huh?”

The question from David at the end of the day’s practice poked at the already present sense of awareness and apprehension that Killian had been grappling with since Emma accepted his invitation for a date this morning. David had held off on the interrogation during practice, despite the fact that Killian had clearly been distracted by planning and getting all of the details of his intended evening secured. It was a tricky task, but Killian was up to the challenge, and if he had to answer some questions from a well-meaning friend for a few minutes before heading out, that wasn’t the worst thing. Maybe it would save him a few minutes of pacing his apartment as he waited the acceptable amount of time before he could go get Emma.

“It is.”

“And you managed to get it all to work? The dinner and the castle and everything?”

“It’s not a castle, mate,” Killian replied before thinking of how to describe the huge estate that they’d be going to tonight. “And even if it were, that’s not the part that matters.”

“Of course not. Because why just woo a woman with a castle when you can also include some long cherished childhood memory?” David teased and Killian sighed. “But seriously though, you need any help or anything?”

“I think I know how to plan a date, Nolan,” Killian answered.

“Right but this isn’t just a date. It’s the date,” David asserted. “This one has to be right, man. Because if it all goes like I’m hoping mine will go with Mary Margaret, it could very well be the last first date you ever have.”

Killian didn’t have the ability to respond to David’s words. On the one hand they were cheesy and ridiculous, but there was a part of Killian that had been thinking the exact same thing. If things could already feel this right with Emma when they’d barely progressed at all, what was to say this relationship wasn’t heading in a direction Killian had never considered before? Chemistry like this didn’t just happen, and this sense of rightness didn’t come with every new fling. Killian knew that it made Emma special, that it made her more important than all the women who he’d known before her, but luckily he was saved from having to give a verbal response to his friend when a snort sounded from across the locker room.

“Shit, Dave, you really think that way, don’t you? Like life is some kind of fairytale or something.” Will’s words dripped with skepticism as he shook his head furiously. “That’s just bollucks! All of it is rubbish. Jones is going to go out, charm the girl, show her a few moves, and get her out of his system. At least he will if he has any damn sense at all in that thick skull of his.”

Killian’s hand flexed into a fist at the insinuation that he was using Emma somehow, but he bit back the instinct to bark at a man who, despite the comment, had proven himself to be mostly good. Killian took a steadying breath, reminding himself of something Graham had told him when he first arrived weeks ago. Once upon a time Will Scarlet had been the kind of man to believe in such happy endings and perfect matches, but the woman who he’d chosen to build those hopes with hadn’t chosen him back. As a result Will was about as anti-love and anti-romance as a man could be, and that was saying something given all the notorious players and commitment-phobes Killian had met in this sport.

“Is that the plan, Jones?” A female voice asked from behind him. Killian turned to the doorway where Regina Mills now stood and tried not to grimace. Their team owner was completely unfazed by the fact that this was a men’s area and that a number of them were in varying stages of undress, but then again Regina saw herself as a Queen and the others all seemed to grant her such allowances. “Are you dating this Miss Swan to ‘get her out of your system?’”

“Can’t see how my plans are anyone’s business,” Killian grumbled, holding his ground but it only made Regina grin wickedly as she flicked her wrist in a dismissive motion for the others.

“We need the room. Chop, chop.”

Despite how badly Killian didn’t want that one on one interaction, the others all obeyed the order, hustling out as she’d told them to. The only man who delayed at all in his leaving was Robin. He and Regina shared a look, and Killian was glad for what it said. His coach was warning Regina to watch herself, but Regina just shrugged and murmured some less than convincing promise not to make this too painful. Killian bit back a laugh at the thought – with Regina there were few kinds of interactions that didn’t end in at least mild discomfort.

“Now then, as I was saying,” Regina continued when the space was cleared. “You and this Swan girl – how serious is this?”

“Serious enough,” Killian responded. He was not willing to discuss this further with a woman he barely knew and who fancied that she had him on some kind of leash. Maybe the power rested more securely on her side of this dynamic, but Killian wasn’t interested in taking her crap to the extent that the rest of the team was. He’d resist as best he could while still preserving some kind of alliance between them.

“That’s what I figured,” Regina said, pulling a file from her purse as she did. She handed it his way, confusing him in the process but she went on to explain herself. “That’s everything there is to know about Emma no-middle-name Swan.”

“You’re kidding,” Killian said, truly thinking it was some kind of joke at first, and then he saw her face. “Are you mad?! You ran a background check? Why in the bloody hell did you do that?!”

“Isn’t that obvious?” Regina asked with a forced laugh. “I looked into her because you care about her, and since you are my team’s most valuable asset, I have to take precautions. We don’t want you falling into bed with the wrong kind of people, do we Killian?”

The rage that Killian felt in this moment was undeniable and impossible to tamper down. He could feel it boiling over, and biting his tongue would not do. The only hope he had was to quell it somehow, to choose a cold but cutting tactic instead of screaming in the face of the woman who owned his last chance at the career he had worked so hard for.

“I’m only going to say this once, Regina, so listen well: whatever usual play you have, whatever manipulation you’re hoping to wield, it will not work. What Emma and I have is private, it’s ours, and it’s not up for debate. I don’t want whatever dirt you believe that you’ve dug up. I will not be reporting aspects of my personal life to you in any capacity. And most importantly, I will not listen to you belittle Emma. Am I clear?”

“Crystal,” Regina said with a feigned sweetness. “Besides, we all have a past. And I’d say Miss Swan has done a good job of overcoming hers. I mean an Academy Award nomination at her age? That’s not easily done.”

“Excuse me?” Killian asked, not following Regina in the slightest.

“You didn’t know?” Regina asked, actually shocked. “Oh well, surprise! Seems your Swan is a prodigy of sorts and this year she got a little credit for it. Of course movie scoring doesn’t really mean that much in a town like this but statues are statues right?”

Killian didn’t bother responding, not knowing what to even say to these little morsels of Hollywood speak, and finally Regina seemed pleased enough with herself and her information dump to leave.  Killian meanwhile was reeling, not because of the discovery of Emma’s talents and distinction, but because of the way he’d found out. It felt important to him that when it came to Emma he leave the flow of things to her. For that reason he had resisted the urge to google her or look into her past, even when she’d told him of her work as a music designer. He’d been tempted all week to learn more about her, but Emma was a cautious person by nature, guarded and clearly hurting from some things in her past, and it felt unfair for him to know things she hadn’t told him yet. Trust had to be earned, and Killian was hell bent on earning all things from Emma.

Truth be told, however, his frustration with Regina, as strong as it might be, couldn’t stifle the immense surge of pride that came rushing into his heart for Emma. This happiness for her that bubbled up in his chest couldn’t be denied, and nor could the smile that appeared at his lips. Killian hadn’t known Emma very long but he knew she had to be gifted at her work. The way she’d talked about it and the way she was focused and driven and always pushing forward made it clear that this was something she had true passion for. That being said, Killian could only imagine her at the Oscars, dressed up, looking absolutely breathtaking but not truly being interested in any of it. Emma Swan might define beauty itself, but she was real in a way that would make an award show like that distasteful to her. Killian only wished he could have been there to see her in a state like that and support her in those hours of need.

“Bloody hell,” he said aloud then, having some things finally click into place. “That was her other engagement.”

Well now he felt even more like an arse than he had previously at his behavior. No wonder Emma hadn’t been bending over backwards to give up her plans and have dinner with him: the Academy Awards were more important than a first date with a practical stranger could ever be. He didn’t know whether to laugh or berate himself for it either, but either way it did no good to stay stuck in the past. All that he could do was be in the now, and ensure that this evening went as well as he was hoping. As such, he gathered the rest of his gear and headed out with only a few quick goodbyes to his teammates.

Though he’d only asked Emma out today, Killian had actually been planning this evening for some time. Two nights ago he stumbled upon the idea of a perfect first date with Emma but he stayed patient, looking for the right time to ask her. Thank God she’d said yes to tonight because Killian didn’t know how much longer he could wait. A week without physically seeing Emma had been hard, even with the phone calls and the texts lighting up each day. It was crazy, but he missed her when they were apart, even though they knew each other so little. But Killian had long ago abandoned any attempt at the ‘rational’ when it came to Emma. There was no trackable logic behind the emotions he already had, and in the end he had to do what David was always suggesting. He had to follow his heart in the hope that it would lead him where he so deeply desired to be.

Thoughts of Emma and of the upcoming evening consumed Killian as he got ready at home and then drove the span of road from his place to hers. Those thoughts were simultaneously good but also nerve wracking. Not since his year eight winter formal had Killian ever suffered such a bought of nerves over a girl. Even then, the fear had been sparked by the newness of interactions with the female sex and not the girl herself. But tonight, as he made his way through the streets of LA, Killian was beset with a showing of butterflies befitting a teenager.

Killian knew the stakes at play tonight and he felt the need for things to go well. It felt heavy, as if the weight of the future rested on his shoulders, but in the moments where it almost felt too much, he’d think of something Emma had said or the sound of her laugh, which he’d become more acquainted with during their phone calls the past few days. Those moments had a way of clearing out the uncertainty, and by the time he was at her front door he was clinging to hope even as he felt riddled with the energy of a momentous first date. He knocked immediately, not thinking of force or the number of knocks, only knowing that the sooner he saw Emma, the happier he would be.

Blessedly Emma appeared in seconds, opening the door and granting him a sense of peace in as she did, but no sooner had he calmed at seeing her then his heart beat skipped, his pulse went up, and his mind flooded with the vision that stood before him. Emma Swan was an undeniable beauty, perhaps the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, but tonight she had forsaken her usual comfortable clothes for a look so scintillating he nearly forgot to breathe. With her hair cascading over her shoulder in golden waves, and a red dress made of lace that wasn’t too short or cut too deep, but fit her to perfection, Emma would give any model or actress in this city a run for their money. Her green eyes were brilliant, looking at him with the same kind of hunger he was feeling, and then she bit her lush red lips before whispering her greeting.

“Hey, you made it.”

Killian didn’t have words in this moment. Hell, he didn’t have much in the way of coherent thought except to think that she was exquisite, but then he was moving towards her, guided only by instinct and need. Emma looked surprised for a second as his hands encircled her and his lips descended down upon hers, but as soon as they made contact Emma’s mouth yielded to his and the taste of her filled Killian up completely. He was consumed by Emma, and never wanted this to end. A kiss like this stoked the best kind of flame. It breathed life into a man, made him wonder if there was anything better the world over, and then assured him there wasn’t. It was soul searing and so sweetly sublime he hated to pull back, but then a voice in the back of his mind reminded Killian that this was not how things were supposed to be. You didn’t kiss the girl first thing. You had to convince her of your merit, show her the date you’d prepared, and then maybe she’d allow you such a luxury when the evening was over.

When reason returned to the forefront of his mind once more Killian stepped back. He tried to compose himself but stumbled with the words in his mind. By the time they left his mouth, Killian felt almost bashful, like a boy instead of the grown man he was. 

“Apologies, love. I lost my head for a second at seeing you. I’m sor-,”

Killian didn’t get the chance to finish that statement as Emma pulled him down by the collar of his jacket, filling the space between them again and taking command of her own kiss. This one, though not as intense as the first, packed an even more powerful punch. For Emma told him with this brush of their lips that she was in this too, and that she didn’t fault him in anyway for going on instinct instead of sticking the course.

“I couldn’t let you apologize for a kiss like that,” Emma said when they finally broke apart. Her eyes were watching him, and something she saw in his face or expression made her smile. She was already glowing, already this radiant creature he could barely behold, but with this warm smile, and with the sensually lingering lust coloring the jade of her eyes, she was nothing short of perfection. “Honestly I should be thanking you.”

“Thanking me?” Killian asked with a gruff laugh. “Are my kissing abilities so undeniable they deserve gratitude, Swan?”

Emma rolled her eyes and shook her head as she ran her hand over his chest lightly, but Killian knew from the faint blush on her cheeks that she had given his ‘talent’ quite a bit of thought.

“I was thanking you for not making us wait,” Emma clarified. “I know I said we should take things slowly, but… well it’s been a long week of wondering, and now I know.”

“Aye, love,” Killian replied, not needing her to elaborate as his hand came to cup her cheek. He understood her meaning. It had been a given in his heart that Emma would be spectacular, and any kind of intimacy with her would live up to those heights, but still – to feel it was something else. He felt categorically changed by what had just happened, and yet he also had complete and utter faith that it would not be their last kiss, only the first of many. “Now we know, and there’s no going back. Only forward, together.”

With that final promise, Killian offered his hand to this woman who enchanted him, waiting only a brief moment before Emma slipped hers in his grasp. Then, without further ado, he led her to an evening that Killian knew would forever change him and start the path to a whole new life he’d never actually dreamed could be real. His only hope was that Emma would feel the change too, and that she’d find herself falling just as swiftly and surely as he was already falling for her.

Post-Note: Okay, okay! I know that I said the date was coming this week, and I realize that I have conveniently not shown a bulk of the date – but I hope you will all be satisfied with the very healthy dose of fluff I provided you all. I have written so many CS love stories at this point, almost all of them including a first date, but I always love the ones where Emma and Killian don’t want to wait for the end to share a kiss. For this story it just felt right to me that we have that, and I hope you all will agree and that you have enjoyed the chapter. As always, I am so grateful that you’re all reading and commenting and messaging me your thoughts. It’s so fun writing a new story and interacting with all of you about it and I hope you’ll all continue with me as the story progresses. As I said, next week I will be back with the second half of the date, and in the meantime I hope you have a lovely rest of your weekend!

[klein-archive]

Archivist news - and Klein on ‘first interviews’

19th March 2021

Appointment of New Archivist

Alongside another valuable find from the archive, I want to announce to readers of the blog that I am stepping down as archivist with the Melanie Klein Trust. I will be leaving this – always absorbing – work in the very able hands of Christine English. Besides being an adult, child and adolescent psychoanalyst, Christine has been Programme Tutor at UCL for almost a decade, working with MSC students in Theoretical Psychoanalytic Studies. I think her background in both clinical and academic  work suits her particularly well for this role – indeed, she has already delved into the archive for her study of ‘Mr B’, which I hope will be published before long. ‘Mr B’ makes an important appearance in Klein’s 1940 ‘Mourning’ paper (in which he is called ‘D’), but he is also notable for the huge quantity of process notes that Klein made about him, and which can be found in the archive. He is also referred to in my post below, as you will see.

Christine and I will have a handover period of a few months, and I will post one or two more archive discoveries here during this time.

Now, to the material…

Melanie Klein on ‘first interviews’

At the beginning of the 34-page file PP/KLE/D.11 (digital images 1-4) I found some material on ‘first interviews’ – what we also call first consultations. These are initial meetings to establish what a patient is seeking and needing in an analysis. With reference to two cases, Klein illustrates beautifully the importance of the ‘first interview’. She describes a prospective patient coming to her for help with his difficulties committing in relationships, and shows how she assumed a highly active stance in the consultation, in order to give the analysis a chance of starting at all. She compares such meetings with those that simply act as an opportunity to arrange the practical details of a new analysis.

The style of Klein’s writing in these pages suggests that she was making notes following a teaching seminar, for future reference (and possible writing up). Although the text is undated, the fact that she mentions a patient who thinks that he will wait for help ‘until the war is over’, indicates that it belongs to the period of the Second World War.

‘first interviews’ [heading handwritten by Klein; the rest of the document is typed]

I also enlarged on the first hours with B [see Steiner, 2017, pp. 44-45, on Klein’s account of this meeting with Mr B], gave an instance of the first hour with the writer who said that he became interested in analysis through publications on literary matters, but during the interview he told me things about himself which showed him to be quite an ill man. He became more and more uncertain whether he would really wish to be analysed, and said that of course he has no particular reasons to do so, but he had mentioned in the course of the interview that he had one difficulty and that was that he could never decide on anything which was really important for him and so on. I took up this point when I saw that he would not decide to be analysed, and pointed out that this difficulty of his might prevent him from starting on the analysis. Analysis might help him overcome this difficulty, but to help him he would have to make a start. He seemed very interested in that and thanked me and went, but never started his analysis.

Similar situation with the scientist B [the letter ‘B’ seems coincidental, as the description does not match the ‘Mr B’ mentioned earlier]. He came only, as he said, because of difficulties with his wife, his marriage happiness had gone wrong, and he was inclined to think it could not only be his wife’s fault. He told a detail about his behaviour which could have made things worse, and during the interview he became more and more anxious, and when it came to arranging times and so on he expressed surprise that it should be five times a week. He had thought only once a week, and he just could not manage that, so he would have to wait until the war was over.

(I pointed out to him that he had mentioned as one of his difficulties, which he then entered into, the disturbance of his relation with his wife, his fear of emotional ties, his incapacity to have any tie, and that this fear seems to enter already into his attitude towards starting analysis, which he might be afraid might become a tie to him. Also he was aware of his capacity to escape from such situations fairly easily in various ways.) He was impressed by that and said he would try and start his analysis. He made arrangements, and although the desire to stop the analysis and the danger of breaking off was quite strong for some months, his analysis went on until the time when external necessity made him leave it – he had to go to some other place. Even then he himself expressed some suspicion as to what he could have done to arrange this, but this was analysed, and there was the fact that there was a definite necessity for him to go. He had only had 10 months analysis, which have however benefitted him a good deal.

These first interviews in which analytic understanding and even some kind of interpretation can be used, or should be used, are in contrast to first interviews in which, if everything is decided, as it is in some cases, I do hardly anything else but arrange times and fees. I leave all material for the first analytic hour. If patient wants to speak about it, I let him, but I do not encourage it. [Blank space here; some words missing] do prejudice and to some extent disturb the analytic work.

Great care should be exercised in these first interviews – also with people who are going to be sent to another person. That is often made very difficult for the analyst.

----------------------------

References:

Klein, M (1940) ‘Mourning and its relationship to manic depressive states’, in Writings of Melanie Klein Vol 1: Love, Guilt and Reparation and Other Works. London: Hogarth.

Steiner, J. (2017) Lectures on Technique by Melanie Klein, edited with a critical review by John Steiner. London: Routledge.