#i have no clue how you guys articulate your thoughts and write them out so eloquently in such a short span of time!

[chubbydino]

I just finished reading Fool's Gold.

I feel an overwhelming amount of a myriad of emotions, and the need to put it all into words, imbued with the certainity that I will never find the words to express the true depth of what I feel, nor will there ever be a time when what I have to say will even begin to tell you just how much gravity and meaning this story holds.

nevertheless, I will try.

rpf rids you of the difficulty of creating a character - it gives you a name, face, quirks that make them true to their person, a life and circumstances, and above it all the freedom to do with that what you will. this often comes with the cost of your characters, who are real people, becoming mere puppets of a story, vessels intended to tell it.

to be able to tell a story that has never happened as you wish to tell it, centred around people that very much breathe, live, and exist all while making them true to their own person is no easy task. and yet you've done it so irreproachably. you've somehow painstakingly, and impeccably struck a balance between creating a world for them, whilst still writing an ode to them as real people.

I went into Fool's Gold wary of the tags, staunchly believing you couldn't convince me of many of the things you had implied. I understand now. there wasn't a single sentence that I didn't believe with my full heart.

my simple mind couldn't even begin comprehending how you managed to weave such an intricate, riveting plot. there's not a single thing you didn't think of. every sentence you wrote felt like it was thought out and decided well before any of these people or these events happened. everytime I thought I knew what was happening, you very artfully reminded, I in fact, did not.

you had such generously fleshed out stories and love for every character that I couldn't help but wonder how you could conclude so very many relationships in a sensible way. nevertheless I trusted you to write an epilogue that would be delicate, sensible and bittersweet, much like most meaningful stories.

having read the last chapter, beginning the epilogue confused me. and then i was fraught with anger. what of the stories you told me before ? what of them ? and then as i continued to read, i felt as if i had been doused with water, not the kind that leaves you shaking and spluttering, but the gentle kind a mother bestows upon her child - with care and love, and in some parts the feeling that times will not always be like this. suddenly I wanted to be nowhere but where you had taken me, hear no other story than the one you were telling in that moment. and just like that, it was over.

thank you, with everything in me, thank you.

i don't really have words to properly articulate myself, but thank you. fool's gold will always be special to me in many ways, and allowed me to engage in F1 in a way far beyond how i'd been doing so for years prior.

it has its flaws and there are parts people hate about it (including the epilogue lol) and there are a lot of things i would improve in the fic, but the joy of fanfic for me is that it is what it is, raw and unpolished. FG really taught me a lot about myself and opened a lot of doors for me that would be firmly shut if i hadn't accepted a $5 venmo for coffee from my dear friend who wanted me to write my crazy rpf idea.

i'd never written rpf before FG and wow did it change my whole opinion on rpf 😂 f1 rpf is still the wild west in many ways but i LOVE writing my messed up takes on these guys who i have no clue about irl 😂😂😂

[kylo-im-ren]

The Rise of the Fallen One & Reylo (excerpt)

Rey is not alone in the Dark!Rey scene.

This was first pointed out to me through this tweet from brehaorganas. Then @sillyrabbit36 did a lovely job of recoloring the footage to show it in greater detail in this post.

I went ahead and made some GIFs for visual aid.

In this shot (BOW DOWN TO YOUR QUEEN) it looks like there could be movement, or a figure before the screen pans over to Dark!Rey. That could also very well just be the way that the light and shadows move in the view of the camera.  The real evidence is in the following shot. The money shot.

(My ability to breathe? I don’t know her.)

I zoomed in for a better look, and I tried my best to brighten it without ruining the quality too much (fuzzy image below= proof I’m not a professional lol).

I’ve labled what I think it is that we are seeing. To me, in the bottom right it looks like dark/black clothing, maybe a cloak, or cape. Or maybe just dark pants. In the top right it looks like either a hand in dark, long sleeves, or a chin in a high turtleneck.  I’m leaning more towards it being a hand.

Now, let’s look at the movement of this mystery figure. It appears that whomever (or whatever) is there is backing away from Rey. And if we go with the hand theory, it looks like they are backing away with their hands up defensively. Below I’ve created an extremeley detailed and intricate artist rendition of what I believe happens here. I warn you, the artistic talent I posess has brought some to tears.

(As I was writing the final draft of this bit i came across this post by the amazing, ever talented @gwendy85 . The position of Ben and Rey in her art is so close to what I’m picturing! And a million times better than my stick people lol. Just wanted to give some quick promo to her. If you haven’t already, you guys should really check out her art and meta posts, you won’t be disappointed😊💜.)

So, who is this? Well, there are a few options. Let’s play one of my favorite games: The Process of Elimination.

Option 1: Palpatine Just the simple fact that the figure seems to be backing away from her tells me that it isn’t the Sheev man. If Rey does go dark, and this is real, and not a vision, I’m 99.9% sure that Palps will have something to do with it. So why would he be backing away from her? If anything, he’d be the one encouraging her. 

Option 2: Finn (my sweet boy) This is a more logical option, however, John is reported saying that he wasn’t there when Daisy wore her Dark!Rey fit. He said he was supposed to be there, but that was just for a visit, meaning his character was not invoved in the shooting of those scenes (I looked for the link for like 20 minutes and decided I’d rather get this out and edit the post later when I eventually find it.) Plus, the hand (or chin) doesn’t look like it’s been blessed with that melanin (teehee), so I’m thinking it’s pretty safe to assume not Finn. And without Finn being there, I don’t think any other resistance squad memeber would make sense. So I’m striking out Poe, Rose, or Jannah as options.

Option 3: Rey  Let me explain.This would fall in line with the theory that Dark!Rey is a vision that Rey has. (I go into further details about how this could go, and the pontential parallel between it and Lukes vision quest on Dagobah in the full meta.) This could be the moment where she is forced to literally face her inner demons. If this were the case though, the costume choice that makes the most sense, canonically and visually, would be for normal Rey to be in her normal clothes. Her pure white, flowing robes are a stark contrast to the dark figure we see backing away. 

“Maybe that’s just the shadows, it’s a dark room.”

That’s true. But if we go with the turtleneck or long sleeve idea, those are complete opposites to Rey’s v-neck and short sleeves. This makes me think that the mystery person is not Rey.

Option 4: An innocent It could be an innocent that she kills in her dark rage/possesion. Making this a scene to show how far gone she is. I highly HIGHLY doubt this option though.

Taking all of those out leaves me to believe that it can only be one person. One particular dark froce weilding, sad-boi, love-struck prince.

Option 5: Ben The clothes, if i’m picturing them correctly, match up perfectly with Ben’s attire at all times. Dark cloak/cape, maybe a black turtleneck (like we’ve seen in TFA), long dark sleeves. And, if this is Benny boy, what really intrigues me is that he is gloveless. The implications of that alone...

Sorry, I spaced out. I was fangirling.

ANnNywAy, let’s assume it is him. Now the question is:

Vision or Reality?

(I dive deeper into all of these theories in the full meta. I still can’t choose a side!)

While I still haven’t chosen a side (lol) at this point in time, I think I’ve narrowed my choices down to the Dark!Rey is real train or the Ben Vision Train.

If Dark!Rey is real, I feel that this could definitely be the moment where Ben goes to save her from Palpatine, and from herself. There have been several posts describing how this event could unfold.  If Dark!Rey is real, this could serve as a major catalyst for Bendemption. This tweet points out an amazing comparrison to this moment of Vader having a vision of Dark!Padme.

The most terrifying thing is seeing someone you love fall down the same dark path that you did, and having to watch them be consumed by it.

I think this feeling and reaction would be representitive of both real and vision Ben. If it’s real though, it could lead to a fight. The fight, however, would be completely onesided. He would refuse to strike her, talking to her the whole time, reasuring her of the people in her life that care for her, and that he cares for her. Telling her that she’s not alone anymore. She doesn’t have to do this, He knows this isn’t her. Pleading with her to come back to the light. To herself. To him.  He’d say he knows that there is still good in her, and that he believes in her. He tells her to use their bond to escape Palpatine’s control, or the firm hold of the Dark.

All of this sounding familiar? 

(I was so happy to see my fellow TFA Reylos were thinking the exact same thing I was with this.I love y’all. We all deserve a stiff drink and a foot rub 😭😂)

Now, if it’s a vision, I feel that the scene will be much shorter. I also believe that, again, if it is just a vision, It will be a reflection of what is already happening inside of Rey. She could actually go dark for awhile after this, just maybe not to the extent that we see in this scene. I don’t think that it is the same vision he saw in TLJ (although I definitely think that he saw something like this), I think this would be a new vision.

Something that caught my eye about the initial cut to Rey was the motion of the camera. 

The way that it swoops over to focus on her resembles someone whipping their head around in surprise.

You know what that reminds me of?

Rey even stumbles back after this. 

If vision is the way, I have a feeling it will be like the one Rey had in Maz’s castle in TFA when she touched the legacy saber. I actually think that this would be such a cool call back, and would be another amazing example of how these two characters mirror eachother. This vision could be brought on when he touches an object as well, or it could be in the form of a dream. Or it could be a vision brought on by Palpatine to tempt Ben. Or to scare him. Or-

Summary, there are so many ways that this can go. We have truly entered my favorite time over these past 4 years, The Hour of Speculation. And it’s the final hour! Everything wraps up after this...

 As much as that breaks my heart, I am so excited for the next few months. I can’t wait to ride this out with all of you, and to hear what amazing theories you freakin oracles come up with during the wait. Old and new Reylos, I LOVE YOU!

And may the force be with you always.💙❤️💜

And please share your own thoughts, I’d love to hear what you guys think!

@sushigirlali @jedisassafras @southsidestory @sanctuarytrin It’s not my full thoughts (not even close🤦🏽‍♀️😂), or a ficlet, but I promise all of those are coming soon! Hope you like my quick ramble, much love💙☺️

[thewertsearch]

Asks compilation: 09/05

God ok that actually sounds like it would work really well. John would be a huge McElroy fan, wouldn’t he?

I just looked up the Washington accent to compare it to Griffin’s, and wow, my mental voice for John is completely different. I probably have all the wrong accents for these characters in my head, since I don’t have a clue which accent maps to which state. 

At least we’re all in the same boat about not knowing Jade’s accent - unless we learn where Grandpa grew up later on, since she’d probably have picked up his.

Brilliant! Yeah, no, I’ve been trying to nail down that font for ages.

Dammit, I just realized I could have inspected homestuck.com’s source >:(

It narrowly edges out Gen 4, for me. D/P/Pt were great, but Black and White were the games which really perfected the formula. I honestly don’t think they should have gone 3D, but whatcha gonna do?

Oh my god, of course there are. I’m going to rewatch that show some day and lose my mind, aren’t I?

Hey, thanks for the ask! 

I thought about this back when I was first starting the blog. I dunno, though. You’re really not missing much - my live reactions aren’t nearly as coherent as the writeups - mostly just a lot of ‘oh my god, what?’ moments. I write more articulately than I speak. Trust me on this. 

I’m honestly impressed you came up with something more headache inducing than the bogo algorithm, which for the uninitiated literally means ‘randomly shuffle a list until it’s sorted’. 

aw fuck we’re getting a bogo modus aren’t we

I like Bogleech’s writing, especially his creature design reviews, but I could never get more than a handful of pages into Awful Hospital. I respect his commitment to the stereotypically ‘gross’ organic aesthetic, but it kind of just squicks me out. Plus, I dunno. The premise is really dark, but the comic seems to be a full-on comedy. The dissonance just doesn’t really work for me. 

Still, though. Pokéween is some of my favorite writing on the web. Check out his stuff. 

I’ve never been super into horror. Mind you, I like having something to listen to when I’m out on a walk, and I’ve heard good things about the Magnus Archives, so maybe this is my opportunity to give it another chance?

No, yeah, we have a winner. Step aside, Broderick.

I have come to accept that Hussie is just really prone to making unintentional references. When Dave Strider is one of your primary characters, you probably can’t avoid constantly referencing pop culture - even, it seems, accidentality!

The Queen is dead! everything has gone to shit! Long live Jack the Ascended!  

Haha, I never considered that tumblr’s format does kind of resemble John and CG’s inverted conversations, in a way. When you reblog a connected pair of joke posts, you even have to make sure to reblog them backwards, or you’ll invert them! 

Ah, indie devs. Heads, they’re legends, tails, they’re assholes. 

I’ve never played it, but it’s been sitting in my steam library for months! If it’s anything like Celeste, I should have started playing it yesterday. Lore is pretty much the only thing Celeste is missing - not that it needs it. 

Those giant Underlings are nothing compared to what you see in Pipecorp. This is just another day in the office for Harold P. Egbert. 

Awesome! Yeah, I already see why the comic’s music is so popular. And considering we’ve got Toby ‘Leitmotifs’ Fox on the music team, these are all sure to return. 

So what, it’s like, Act 6: Act 1? We’re going to start recursing?

Don’t lie to me, guys. This comic is a fractal, isn’t it? It goes on forever, the sub-acts shrinking into the infinitesimal. 

I know not what awaits me. 

Six, right? Based on the above ask, there can’t be room for any more, unless they shrink dramatically after Act 6. 

I have no idea how many sub-acts there could be, though. Once you pop open that can of worms, you can’t easily close it. 

Done! From now on, all theoryposts will be tagged #theories!

Yeah, noted! I didn’t expect Homestuck to require the equivalent of waiting for the post-credits scene, but here we are?

In what sense? The Trollslum showed up pretty soon after Jade’s intro, and CG chimed in up not long after. The sense I always got was that Hussie improvised a lot of the comic, but maybe the trolls were a particularly spontaneous addition?

Liveblogging a liveblog! I can get behind that. Yeah, like I’ve alluded to before, I’d be having a very different experience with this comic if I wasn’t reading it in bite-sized chunks. 

Thank you!! I’m really trying to convey the same feelings that I’m getting while I’m reading this comic. I’m glad it’s working!

Honestly, my guessing technique is essentially just throwing theories at the wall to see what sticks. 

I usually have like, two or three explanations for a a given event in the comic, which means I can be eerily correct and ironically wrong about the same thing -  or ironically wrong twice over, as is probably more likely.

[kn1feinthec0ffee]

new love - spencer reid

spencer reid x fem!reader

summary: spencer tells the team about his new girlfriend, y/n.

warnings: fluff in its purest form.

word count: 1503

notes: IM BACK!!! i know it’s been a little while since i posted anything but i actually had the time (and motivation) to write this and i think it’s rlly cute!!

********************

spencer gazed down at you as you slept, adoration filling his eyes.

last night was the first night you had slept over at his place. he wasn’t really against the idea, other than the fact that you’d wake up alone in his bed. he wished he could stay and cuddle you longer, but unfortunately serial killers had a habit of killing innocent people. it was spencer’s duty to prevent that, and well - duty calls.

spencer couldn’t seem to spur his legs into action, the image of you still asleep and curled up under his covers was one too precious to walk away from. you were spread out on your stomach, your hair sprawled out across the pillow underneath your head, your hands softly grasping the comforter.

spencer found himself immensely grateful for his eidetic memory so that he could never forget how adorable you looked.

in lieu of fully rousing you to say goodbye, he decided on placing a kiss on your forehead. the whimper that the small action elicited from you made his heart clench - and made it that much tougher to leave you.

spencer quickly found some spare notepaper and scribbled a note for you encouraging to call or text if you felt lonely, his chicken scratch hardly legible in his haste.

——————————

as he sat on the train that morning, he couldn’t help but realize that everything just seemed so much better now that you were a permanent fixture in spencer’s life. it was as if his life were a coloring page that had suddenly been filled in with the most vibrant of markers - as cliche as that sounds.

the inconveniences that plagued him almost daily now seemed like nothing - for example, the embarrassing half-jog-half-sprint he had to do in order to make it onto the train in time. spencer felt like he had a new outlook on life, and it was all owed to you.

spencer arrived at work, walking into the bullpen with a noticeable pep in his step as he made his way over to his desk. he set down his satchel, only to glance up and find morgan and jj staring at him.

“do i have something on my face?” he frowned, wiping at his face to ensure there was nothing there.

“you didn’t head to the coffee machine straight away,” morgan pointed out, swiveling his chair to face him.

“i, uh, don’t feel like i need it?” spencer’s brows knit in utter confusion at the sudden interrogation he found himself a part of.

“you always get a cup of coffee in the morning, spence, regardless of whether or not we’ve got a case.” jj chimed in.

“and?” he wasn’t quite sure what the point of all this was.

“do you mean to tell us the doctor actually got a decent amount of sleep last night?” derek scoffed.

“i suppose so. is that an issue?” spencer cocked his head, much like a puppy dog.

“no, it’s not an issue at all, it’s just unusual for you.” jj shared a look with morgan, who stood up from his chair to saunter over to the doctor’s desk.

“so who’s the lucky girl, pretty boy?” he grinned.

the heat instantaneously rose to spencer’s cheeks at his words. “wh-what? what girl? i have no clue what you’re talking about!”

“come on, spence, you don’t expect us to realize the way you walked into work with a grin on your face? that hardly ever happens before you’ve gotten any caffeine in you, which - if you’ll remember correctly - you didn’t even have this morning.” jj grinned at the blushing boy.

“come on, that’s no fair! you guys know we’re not supposed to profile each other!” he practically whined, crossing his arms over his chest.

“ooh, who’s profiling who?” penelope said as she scurried towards the trio. “woah - boy wonder you are glowing. what are you hiding from me?”

before he could stop him from answering, derek spoke. “we think pretty ricky’s got a girlfriend.”

a sudden expression of pure joy made its way onto the analyst’s face as a smile lit up her face. “please, please tell me he’s right!”

spencer weighed his options carefully. the two of you were relatively new, and he didn’t want to spoil anything by telling his friends about you so soon. but on the other hand, every time he’d brought them up, you’d mentioned how much you’d love to meet them all one day. so he figured, what would be the harm in telling them?

“yeah. i do have one. a girlfriend, that is.” he spoke awkwardly.

penelope practically squealed as she pulled him into a bone-crushing hug. “i’m so happy for you! but spencer reid, how could you hide this from us? but i need to know absolutely every last detail!”

the way she flipped from excitedness to borderline anger left spencer feeling a little frazzled, but nonetheless happy to share. “her name is y/n, and she works in the bookstore downtown. that’s actually where we met.”

“y/n reid really has a ring to it, doesn’t it?” penelope exclaimed, clasping her hands together.

derek noticed how flustered spencer was becoming with all the sudden attention on both him and his love life and opted to pull her back slightly. “alright, let’s reign it in, babygirl. he only just mentioned her, i’m sure they’re not getting hitched any time soon.”

he sent derek a thankful look before continuing. “we’ve only been dating for a month now, i don’t think either of us are ready for that yet,” he laughed nervously.

“what’s she like?” jj asked, perching on the edge of his desk.

“i can’t even - i don’t even have the words to articulate how wonderful she is,” spencer sighed dreamily. “she’s just so kind and loving and funny and so, so beautiful.”

morgan and jj exchanged a knowing look, while penelope looked like a child who had finally gotten the pony she kept asking for.

“y/n’s one lucky girl,” she grinned a toothy grin. “speaking of y/n, when might the lucky lady like to meet us? please tell me she wants to meet us.”

“she actually really wants to meet you guys, she-“ spencer was cut off as garcia whisked him away to arrange a date with the whole team.

before she could get too far, morgan grabbed him by the arm. “seriously kid, i’m happy for you. she seems like she makes you really happy.”

spencer could only offer a quick ‘thanks’ in response before garcia dragged him all the way to her cave to plan.

——————————

“you’re home!” spencer heard you shout as he stepped past the door. he braced for impact as you practically launched yourself into his arms. “how was your day, baby?”

he smiled, pressing a quick kiss to your forehead as you pulled away. “it was good, just a paperwork day, but i didn’t get much done - except for one thing.”

“and what was that?” you quirked a brow at his odd statement.

“i might’ve told the team about us,” he grew slightly panicked as he noticed the shocked expression on your face. “i-i hope that’s okay with you. i know i didn’t ask, but i-“

you took his hands in yours, gently thumbing over his knuckles. “it’s fine by me, i just wasn’t sure if you were comfortable with it, spence.”

his heart skipped a beat at your thoughtfulness, pressing a kiss to your hands. “i don’t know, i guess in that moment, any doubt in my mind went away. n-not that there was any to begin with!”

you stepped up to place a chaste kiss to his lips, silencing his clarifications. “it’s okay, i think it’s sweet. so, what’d they say?”

“they were really happy for me, and i think garcia nearly burst a blood vessel when i told her.” the two of you giggled. “they kept saying how lucky you were, but i couldn’t help but think that i’m the lucky one.”

“oh they’re absolutely right there. i am the lucky one. how else could i have ended up with such a catch like you?” you smirked at the growing blush on your boyfriend’s cheeks.

“after i told them about you, garcia dragged me away to go plan a date for you to meet them, a-and i told her this friday would be fine, so i hope that’s okay with you.” spencer admitted, looking down at you hopefully.

“spence? are you kidding?” you beamed, clasping your hands together in excitement. “i can hardly wait!” you wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him down for your lips to meet.

his hand came up to cup your cheek, thumbing softly over your cheekbone as he smiled into the kiss. when you finally pulled away, you motioned for him to follow you into the kitchen for dinner.

as you practically skipped away, all spencer could think about was how incredibly thrilled he was to have met you. he wondered if maybe his teammates were right: you were both the lucky ones.

********************

i LOVE how this turn out and i put a lot of thought into this and actually had some friends read over it before i posted it so i hope u guys love it too 😊

as usual i’m tagging ppl on my taglist & ppl who i think might be interested :)

tags: @sojournmichael @stinkyelf @crazyfore3 @cal-ifornication @eggygorl02 @howdycharlie @eosprincess @mortallythoughtfulgurl @illuxions-x @unlikelyempathpruneauthor @blankets-for-bees @holycandypizza @flyingbabyunicornnamedangel @lovelyrdjr @elitereid @minnie-bby @rexorangecouny @ashwarren32 @fantastic-fans @keomoon @elric8097 @jjtheangel @spacedikut @whoreforthebau @angelbunnyoxo @theonewithcriminalminds @andiebeaword @big-galaxy-chaos @beatleszeppelin @averyhotchner @dreatine @you-sunshine

[samuel-de-champagne-problems]

It's Delicate: Part II

Summary: Spencer Reid finds himself at a gas station at 2:00 am, thinking he’s only leaving with a cup of crappy coffee. But something taped to the door catches his eye. Spencer leaves the gas station with more than he intended: the chance at a friend, and maybe something more along the way.

Word Count: 3.6 k

Author’s Note: Here's the second part in It's Delicate, my first chapter fic. I've planned out kind of where I see this eventually going! Thank you to anyone who reads, likes, comments, and reblogs. It really means the world to me.

Content Warnings: Expletive language (3 uses), mentions of drug use, sexual innuendo

READ PART I

It's Delicate Masterlist

It's Delicate

Sitting on the plane, Spencer looks out from the little window. For hours, there’s been nothing but corn fields and clouds. It’s eerily peaceful, being there high above the clouds. His whole life Spencer has felt this distance between him and everyone else, but nothing makes that feeling more prominent than being strapped in a glorified metal box 35,000 feet off the Earth’s surface. But the thing is, Spencer does need to be flying above the trees to feel lonely. He can do that with two feet on the ground.

Luke sits across Spencer, the table between them and a deck of playing cards are spread out across its surface. He has to nudge Spencer’s leg from under the table, trying to bring him back to reality as he stares out the window.

“Whatcha thinking,” Luke asks, Spencer has been noticing more and more that Luke is one of the few people that actually listens to him.

Spencer, whose mind is racing too fast to even formulate an articulate thought, attempts to dodge Luke’s question with a noncommittal shrug.

“Reid, these cases are hard for all of us, you gotta know that man,” Luke says, laying down a four of a kind.

Spencer narrows his eyes, shocked that it hasn’t clicked yet for the rest of the team. He cracks his neck, preparing to answer Luke.

“We almost locked up an innocent man, Alvez. I almost sent another man to the same fate as myself. What kind of fucked up message is that?” Spencer says, throwing down the cards on the table. He doesn’t wait for Luke to respond.

“I fold,”

Spencer walks off into the small kitchenette to make a cup of coffee. He doesn’t want to think about his increased reliance on coffee, because he knows it’s a hot cup of coffee or a cold needle of Dilaudid in his veins. Spencer checks his watch, it’s 10:17 pm, maybe too late to find a meeting at a church or rec center somewhere.

He sneaks a peak at his phone, which was still unfortunately on Airplane Mode, he hasn’t even gotten a chance to see if Y/N has responded. He doesn’t know much about her, just as much as she knows about him.

It’s a brave new world for Spencer and he’s knee deep into the unknown.

Spencer can feel Luke’s eyes on him. He just knows that the minute he gets home, a certain tech expert will be ringing him. He knows that it’s Luke’s way of caring, but for someone who’s been alone for so long, having people that actually care is almost drowning.

Walking back to his seat, Spencer hands Luke a coffee. He smiles slightly; it’s the awkward smile that he used to make when intimating police chiefs and idiot cops would look him up and down like he’s a TA. It’s a peace offering for Luke, who despite his tough looking exterior, is one of the kindest people Spencer knows.

“Look, Reid. I’m sorry that we didn’t put it together. It’s just that man that we caught, he’s not like you. He’s not innocent of crimes, he’s just innocent of this crime,” Luke says in an attempt to make Spencer feel a little bit better.

“The thing is Luke, I’m exactly like that man,”

Spencer returns to staring out the window. The cards and the coffee on the table are long ignored for the silence that is found when you’re high above the clouds.

--

Spencer hears Tara and Emily murmur quietly about going out for a round of drinks. Luke accepts, while JJ and Matt decline, eager to get home to their families. Emily looks over at Spencer, her eyes silently scanning him, his body language. Spencer knows that there’s nothing he can hide from Emily, so there’s no use in trying to pretend he’s alright when she can take one look at him and know that nothing is right.

“You guys have fun, I’m going to head home and get some sleep. I plan on visiting my mom tomorrow and mornings are usually better for her,” Spencer says, slinging his go bag around his shoulders and making the trek back to the security to check out.

He walks slowly, enjoying the sound of the crickets chirping as he trudges along. Spencer tries not to think about the man, Richard, who was almost locked up for a crime that he didn’t commit. Spencer is pretty sure that being the person to throw an innocent man in jail is worse than being the innocent man in jail.

Spencer’s phone buzzes loudly, disturbing the silence of his walk. He looks at the phone to see a couple of messages from Y/N. Spencer slides open the lock to his phone and hits the button to read her messages.

Y/N: Spencer...that has a nice ring to it. So tell me a little bit about yourself. Your big three, but as books. Go! 🌞🌙⬆️

Furrowing his brow, Spencer reads the message over again. He does not have a clue what “big three” means, but it seems like some sort of pop culture thing that he’s not skilled in. He wants to text Garcia for a translation, but he’s also not too keen on telling her how he came across Y/N’s number.

Y/N: I assume you’re working, but I'm kind of impatient so I’ll give you mine 🙃 I’m a Little Women sun, an Emma moon, and an In Cold Blood rising.

Y/N: Oh no….I hope my astrology didn’t turn you off

Y/N: Not that I was trying to turn you on

Y/N: omg Y/N please shut the fuck up

Astrology? Spencer isn’t one to judge, but he’s a scientist first and foremost. The idea that there is something written about him in the stars seems like ludicrous. He decided to ignore the other messages, particularly the ones with a little more than slight innuendo.

Spencer: Y/N- I’m sorry I just got out of work. As for my big three, I’m not sure about astrology. I don’t particularly believe in pseudoscience. But those are good choices. In Cold Blood is an excellent choice. Capote spent years researching the case. In fact his prose and technique inspired the entire “Nonfiction novel” genre. The world of journalism and true crime would not be where it is without Capote’s work.

Y/N: Oh my god. You are a total nerd. 🙀

That stops Spencer right in his tracks. He’s only a couple of yards away from the Volvo at this point, but somehow it feels a million miles away. You are a total nerd. The words replay in his mind as the small gray bubbles pop up again. Spencer can feel his heart constrict at Y/N’s words. It’s ridiculous, he’s nearly 34 and is getting upset that a stranger called him a nerd. Spencer unlocks his car and tosses his go bag, phone included onto the passenger seat.

After a couple of minutes his phone buzzes again. He’s half tempted to answer it, but the way his heart seems to beat faster tells him to ignore it.

Y/N: I fucking love it and I think you’ll love this too

Spencer’s entire demeanor changes as he reads the message. He’s always had difficulties reading emotion in writing, especially when he can’t analyze the handwriting. Sometimes, it’s even harder to judge inflection during conversations. Maybe that is why Spencer has spent all this time studying people, studying the way that their minds work. Before he can get too lost in his thoughts, another message pops up.

Y/N: Meet Capote and Second Cat

Y/N: They are the loves of my life

Spencer: They are very...distinguished looking. Capote is an excellent name choice then. Second Cat is also quite catchy.

Spencer hesitates before sending the message, he notices that Y/N uses what Garcia calls “emojis” quite frequently. He assumes that it’s some sort of “texting lingo” that expresses emotion in small graphics. Great, he thinks. He already has a difficult time deciphering Y/N’s cryptic wording and now he’s got to analyze these emojis.

Maybe he should profile her. He re-reads the message and settles on a “😄” because he figures that he can’t go wrong with offering Y/N a smile.

Spencer: I don’t have a cat, but when I was a kid I always wanted one, they’re quite good companions for those that live several different kinds of lifestyles. From active to sedentary, they are adaptable and independent. Honestly they are the perfect pet.

Y/N: Is this your way of telling you’re a crazy cat man? 😜 🙀

Spencer, still sitting in his car that’s parked in the parking lot, chuckles at Y/N’s response to his message. Maybe it’s just easier to ignore his rambling when it’s done through 1s and 0s and there isn’t a face to the words.

Spencer: I’m actually more of a fish guy

Y/N: Like a “I-like-to-go-fishing-and-post-picture-of-myself-kissing-my-catch-on-Tinder” kind of fish guy or...I can’t think of any other kind of fish men

Spencer, not totally understanding the obvious joke that Y/N is trying to make, settles on something that he hasn’t really ever tried: being himself.

Spencer: Not quite sure what a Tinder is, but I think fishing is terrifying and kissing a fish is something out of nightmares. But his name is Leo

Y/N: DiCaprio?

Spencer: Uhh, Tolstoy

Y/N: Good😉 ⚔️🕊️ 🇷🇺

Spencer glances at his clock on the control panel, it tells him that he’s been messaging with Y/N back and forth for nearly 22 minutes. He nearly forgot how tired he was.

Spencer: Y/N- I’m so sorry but, I just got to my car to drive home from work. I’ll text you tomorrow morning about the book club, maybe we can figure out some things.

Y/N: OMG Spencer!! you should have told me. I’ve been talking ur ear off. sleep well and yes please tomorrow we can talk about the book club

Y/N: Good night, Book Buddy 😴

Spencer wants to respond to Y/N, but he doesn’t know what to say. She seems to text so easily, and judging by that, she must be around Spencer’s age or a little bit younger. Besides JJ and Penelope, Spencer has never had a friend close to his age. It’s a strange new territory for him and he’s walking in head first into No Man’s Land.

He starts his Volvo, the check engine still lights but, reminding him once again to go get it fixed. Driving away from the parking lot, Spencer hands over his ID to Gina, the security guard. She checks his ID and gives him a tired smile. Spencer, as he drives home to his apartment, thinking about what books he and Y/N will read together. He wonders what kind of books are her favorite, if they have any authors that they can obsess over together, or if what she thinks a poet’s prose is.

The summer air rushing in through the window is nowhere as warm and as comforting as thought of Spencer finally having a friend that isn’t able to read the scars of his past in the text bubbles that pop up on her screen.

--

When Spencer opens his eyes for the first time that morning, he isn’t sure where he is. Sometimes, before he can stop his thoughts from travelling there, Spencer thinks he’s still in jail. He hates the feeling of terror that rushes over him but he hates the idea of being vulnerable a little bit more. But the softness of his pillows and the coolness of his cotton sheets remind him that he’s not sleeping on a hard cot with only a layer of fabric over his body. The light streams in through the half closed blinds, and Spencer judges by how brightly the sun shines in, it must be around 9:45 am.

He supposes that he prefers the way the sun’s rays paint horizontal bars across his face more than the vertical bars that cast gray shadows over his cell at Milburn Penitentiary.

It’s a day off from work, so Spencer didn’t set an alarm, instead allowing his mind and his body to catch up on some much needed rest. The nightmares have been getting better, but his dreams are still haunted by the way that he hardly recognizes himself anymore. Deciding that it will be a day spent in pajamas, Spencer goes to his bookshelf in his bedroom to pick out a couple of novels to read while he drinks his morning coffee and defrosts some of Luke’s strawberry pastries.

Before heading out of his room, Spencer stops himself in the doorway. He replays the events of last night. He declined to go out with the rest of the team, while he walked to his car he thought about the crickets telling the temperature, and he read over Y/N’s messages.

Y/N.

He promised he’d text her back in the morning about their book club. Last night, she didn’t seem to mind Spencer’s long messages and awkward phrasing. He still doesn’t really know how this Book Buddy thing would work, but since he found Y/N’s number on the flyer, he can only assume that she knows what to do. He leaps on his bed, landing with thud on his belly, to grab his phone that charges on his nightstand.

Spencer settles at his kitchen table, a cup of steaming hot Dark Roast coffee in a Captain Spock mug in one hand and, surprisingly, his phone in the other. He scrolls through the messages from last night, Y/N’s cat and emojis tempt a smile to Spencer’s face.

Not entirely sure how to start the conversation again, Spencer looks around for inspiration until his eyes land on a certain fish tank in the corner of his apartment. He snaps a quick picture of Leo and attaches it to the message.

Spencer: Good Morning from Leo & Spencer

Spencer sets down his phone after a moment when he realizes that Y/N is probably not going to answer him back in a couple of seconds. He takes out a strawberry pastry from his freezer and puts it into the toaster oven on a non-stick baking sheet. His thumbs run across the texture of the book he started on the plane ride after his and Luke’s ill fated poker game. It's a thin book of collected essays on the meaning of life. Camus, to Spencer, is a little pessimistic with his droning on about the meaninglessness of life. Though Spence has seen the absolute worst that humanity has to offer, he still has to believe that there’s a deeper meaning behind it all.

His toaster oven rings, altering him so that his toasted strawberry pastry is cooked. He plates his breakfast and pours himself another cup of coffee- he’ll need it to get through Camus’s section on Absurdism this early in the morning. But the flash of Spencer’s phone screen sends him reaching for his phone. Y/N replied to his message.

Y/N: hi leo!!!

Y/N: and you too Spencer :) Did you get a good night’s sleep. You got back late it seems.

Spencer, taking a bite of the strawberry pastry, ignores the burning sensation in his mouth. He types out a response to Y/N as he washes down the bite with a swing of coffee.

Spencer: I did, thank you. Can you tell me a little bit more about this book buddy thing. From what I gathered from the flyer it’s like a little book club of our own and we meet at the bookstore?

It doesn’t take long for Y/N to respond. The little gray dots pop up almost immediately after Spencer’s message is delivered.

Y/N: That’s about right! Is it okay if I call you? Kinda easier to talk that way 🤷‍♀️

Spencer reads over the message a couple of times. He doesn’t really like to talk on the phone and only does it out of necessity. He’s pretty sure that his voice is grating and his vocal fry is quite irritating. Yet, he finds himself replying “yes” to Y/N. Soon enough, his phone buzzes in his hand and Spencer has to remind himself how to pick up a call.

“Spencer? Um, this is Spencer Reid, right?” the voice says. It’s a woman’s voice and he can only assume that it’s Y/N, considering it is her phone number calling him.

“Y/N, uh hi. This is Dr. Spencer- I mean this is Spencer,” he says, nearly forgetting that Y/N doesn’t know him as Dr. Reid, but as just Spencer. It’s been a long time since someone has known him as Spencer.

“Oh great! It’s wonderful to finally have a voice to your name. So about these buddy reads. You seem to have a good grasp of what they are,” Y/N’s voice trails off a little bit at the end and Spencer finds it natural to fill in the silence.

“Yes, the flyer was quite informative. But I was wondering, do we read the same books or do we read different books?” Spencer asks, trying to restrain himself from scaring Y/N off. But something about her made him think that she didn’t scare easily.

Y/N chuckles lightly in the speaker of her phone, “that’s a good question, uh, I was actually going to ask you what you would rather. We can read the same books, or if it’s okay with you we can choose what the other would read for that week,”

“Oh really?” Spencer says, very much aware how his voice rises a couple of octaves. He can’t trust himself to hold back on rambling over the phone Y/N, so he resorts to using his strained, brittle voice that’s full of hesitation and restraint.

“That’s the plan, so whatcha thinking, Spencer,” Y/N says playfully, like she can sense that phone conversations maybe not make him feel at ease. There’s something so natural and silvery about her voice; it reminds Spencer of an audiobook reader. While he’s not too keen on audiobooks, he’s sure that he’d listen to anything she reads or has to say.

“Um, I think it sounds interesting to pick out books for each other. I tend to gravitate towards more technical books or even books that aren’t in English so, uh, I think it would be interesting to get out of my comfort zone,” Spencer says, cringing internally at using the word “interesting” twice in a couple of sentences.

“Well, as long as you don’t pick out something in physics or anything by Ayn Rand then I’d say we’re good,” Y/N says. Spencer thinks it’s a joke, but he’s not too sure how to respond.

“Will you still be my Book Buddy if I read 1 out of 2 of those?” Spencer asks, hoping she’d get that he is trying to continue the joke.

“Oh no Spencer please don’t tell me you’re an Ayn Rand fanboy,” she says, and by the airy way she laughs, Spencer ventures to guess his joke landed successfully.

“So,” Spencer starts, he never has made plans with people outside of his team, and on top of that, there’s something about Y/N’s quickness that makes him a little nervous to meet her.

“I’m talking your ear off, aren’t I? Please Spencer, if you’re going to be my Book Buddy, you’re going to have to get used to me talking a lot, especially you pick out good books, which, I already have a feeling you’re going to be favorite Book Buddy,”

For once in his life, Spencer doesn’t really know how to respond. He lets out something in between a strangled laughter and a noncommittal chuckle.

“So,” Y/N says, mirroring Spencer’s earlier words, “so are you free tonight, I can meet you at the bookstore..”

Y/N’s voice trails off and Spencer leaps to finish her sentences. It doesn’t feel like his interjecting or interrupting, but like he’s snapping a puzzle piece together.

“Does 7 work?” “7 is great, Spencer. It’s a date,”

Those three little words send Spencer’s eyes flying wide open. He scrambles to come up with answer to louden the silence that falls, but he swears he can hear a string of quiet curses before Y/N manages to squeak out a small “goodbye,”

Y/N’s last words play back in Spencer’s ears. He scolds himself for being so weird and awkward that the very idea of going on a date with him would send Y/N in a tizzy. It’s not a date, because Spencer can’t think about it being a date. It’s not a date because of the looming photo above his mantle that freezes his future in the past. It’s not a date because of the nightmare of vertical bars that haunt his dreams

It’s not a date. It’s so not a date because Spencer would call Luke to come over to help him if it was.

“Hey Luke,” Spencer says, trying to control the nervous waves in his voice, “no man, I’m fine, it’s uh, easier if you just come over. I’m fine, really,”

Y/N: I really hope you're not an Ayn Rand fanboy 😉

It’s so not a date.

--THANK YOU FOR READING--

TAGLIST

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More Amazing People I Want to Share This With :)

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[parkerflix]

—JUST BETWEEN US

bang chan x gn! reader (kinda ig?)

wc:0.9k

genre: angst soz

warnings: mentions of drugs

a/n: this is part 2 of stupid to love you, but also could be read as a standalone! loosely inspired by moving along by 5sos and all too well by taylor swift,, could possibly have a 3rd part idk how i’m feeling about it still...

Pink camellias. 

Chan was never one to like the flower language, but when you taught it to him, he started to think it was the most interesting thing in the world.

Pink camellias were scattered around his apartment, some wilted and some as fresh as could be, the contrasts just showing how many he’s had.

In the middle of his dining room table though, he had a crystal vase (one that his mother had given him), holding the other flowers in the apartment.

Sitting at his dining table, he held some paper that you had bought him once upon a time.

Looking up, it felt as if he could see the flashback, the two of you sitting where he was currently.

“Chan! Don't forget that you asked me to teach you how to do these!” you whined at him, noting how he didn’t seem the least bit interested in it. 

You pulled a piece of piece of paper off the stack that you had gotten for him. The paper was one that was purposely aged, and had little pieces of gold leaf woven into it. Grabbing the pen that Chan had started fiddling with, you turned your attention to writing a letter to him.

Chan had noticed how engrossed you got into writing the letter, and was just watching you write line after line onto the paper. Only the sounds of the the pen scratching the paper and both of your breathing could be heard. He had felt a little awkward just sitting there, so he leaned over and grabbed a piece of paper as well. Grabbing another pen from the other side of the table, he realized he had no clue to write you a letter.

He sat there for a few seconds trying to figure out how to phrase his words correctly and articulate them in a way that you could understand what he was trying to say. Then the thought had came to him: song lyrics.

He quickly started thinking about you and the way you made him feel, and started writing them down. Eventually, the both of you had finished your letters (albeit he didn’t bother to mention to you that his was not a poem but rather a unfinished song). Grabbing the envelopes, you handed him one, wrote each others names on them and grabbed the wax that was sitting next to the paper.

“Okay, are you ready to learn how to seal letters?” you said, smiling at him.

He just nodded and watched you with careful eyes , while you demonstrated the whole process to him. Once you had finished with yours, he handed you his with a sheepish smile while you just shook your head fondly at him. Quickly sealing his letter, you placed it next to his. 

“Can we open the letter now?” He asked, poking your side.

You giggled and poked him back.

“No, we’ll open these later together, I promise”.

His mood quickly changed and he started mumbling and grumbling about the whole process and how without doing all of the extra steps you guys could already check.

“It’s the small details that matter” you had said to him “this shows that it has a little more meaning than just a regular letter, that you spent your time sealing it and making it look good.”

He had gotten up from the table after you had said that, chair legs scrapping the floor and leaving small marks on the ground. 

He had snapped out of his thoughts, the memory of you fading once more. All that was left there were the pink camellias that he had put, a reminder that he may have lost the one person he truly cared about. Quickly getting up from his seat, he went to his bedroom to rummage through his drawers. Finding what he was looking for, he went back to the table and placed the two letters, unopened next to the cyclamens that you had sent him. With a heavy heart, he grabbed the flowers out of the vase and grabbed the letters he had just placed on the table. Opening the door to his balcony ( he was grateful that his apartment ended up being on the ground floor) and sat down at his little table.

Next to his table was a metal trashcan, one that he occasionally used for “cleansing rituals” (something else he had gotten from you). Placing the flowers and letters in the trashcan, he grabbed the lighter that he had outside (along with a joint next to it and grabbed a piece of paper form the trashcan. He first lit the joint, taking in a drag feeling the smoke consume his lungs, hoping that the sensation may numb him for a little while. Next he lit the piece of paper and let it slip from his fingers into the trashcan.

Watching the flame grow and start to burn everything, tears slid down his eyes, realizing that the pain and heartbreak that he caused was suffocating him in this very moment. The filling of heartbreak in his stomach and the numbness in his heart caused by the drags of the joint and the overwhelming pain of the heartbreak reminded him that he was to blame. His actions had caused this, and he couldn’t take it back. But with the burning of the letters he knew that he could and he would be able to move on. Day by day, until he’s no longer craving your touch and wanting your presence. Staring up at the moon, with the flames starting to dissipate, he made a mental note that tomorrow, he would replace the camellias with daffodils.

Day by day.

pink camellias- longing for someone

daffodils- rebirth, new beginnings

mini taglist from the last time i posted :

@bobatea-channie @astroqqnglx @qtieskz

[purpletaecup]

10 ☾ he said that’s how he still remembers me

warnings: explicit language (cursing), mentions of miscarriage, mentions of infidelity (not rlly but on thin ice)

notes: you guys... this is a long one and it’s kind of fast paced, but we are finally getting some answers and the drama really begins! next chapter will be emotional, that’s all I know. I’m sorry for putting you through all this angst!! also, I wanted to bring some attention to the crisis in the Philippines right now with all of the dangerous typhoons. A lot of people need donations and rescuing, so HERE is a link to a twitter thread of donation drives! Please make sure to check it out, share and help spread awareness!

as always, come talk to me in my ask box! and if you want to be added to the taglist, please send an ask, or reply to this post or the masterlist!

not edited!! sorry if there are any mistakes lmfao i usually am sleep deprived when i write so yeah, there are probably some errors.

word count: 5,614

☾

The days following Jungkook’s visit were dull, if anything. You’ve received texts from Yoongi saying that he couldn’t come visit until that weekend because he had to finish wrapping things up in advance at the company so that he could spend some time with you. You had argued over the phone like teenagers when you insisted that he didn’t need to do that and you could take care of yourself until Jin came back. Of course, that led to him ranting about what the doctor said about monitoring you and your symptoms for concussion and to get him to just shut up about the medical stuff (it made your brain hurt more than it did usually), you reluctantly agreed to his ‘visits’, as you’d rather call them.

[nov. 20, 2020]

It was Friday now and you still haven’t gotten any glimpse of actual memories back, although you have been having these strange dreams that you couldn’t really remember when you woke up. You could only describe the feeling it gave you as ‘sinking’, like you were drowning and you couldn’t escape. As much as possible, you tried not to think about these feelings, and focused more on trying to get to know the version of you who lived in this amazing apartment.

The past couple of days that you spent at this apartment put you in awe. It really was the apartment of your dreams, from the color of the furniture down to the little plants stuck in the corner of that tiny shelf in the kitchen. It was beautiful and so you. The only problem was that you couldn’t find anything to help with your current situation. You scoured every nook and cranny and couldn’t find anything dated after your wedding reception. No pictures, no post-its, notes or anything past that date. What you had found in your apartment, you already knew of (aside from the wedding photos). Past photoshoots, high school photos, a notebook full of movie ticket stubs. There was absolutely nothing in this apartment that gave you a clue to the life you lived during the four year gap in your memory.

You even tried to get into your twitter and instagram from when you were nineteen but you couldn’t log in. Wrong password every single time. When you tried to change your password for social media, the email you used had a different password too. You couldn’t figure out what you could have changed your password to. Every password combination you could think of, you tried, but none worked, so you decided to just skip that and maybe go over it later on. Or make a new one. That could work, too.

You couldn’t even look at your twitter account because for some reason, it was private and that seemed strange for someone with almost 130,000 followers. You could see your instagram account from your browser, but it wouldn’t let you see the pictures and posts in full size with the captions and comments, so you were really stuck.

A quick internet search of your name yielded things you already knew. Former model, current writer (that fact was still surprising to you). Old news articles of dating scandals that weren’t true, except for the one with Yoongi. More news articles about your divorce with no further information than what Yoongi had told you already.

It’s as if any clue about your life during your memory loss is unaccounted for. It seemed like at this point, you could only rely on other people telling you about your life and pray to whatever higher power there was to give you your memories back.

This futile search was beginning to make your stomach churn. You almost couldn’t suppress the bile rising up in your throat. Hopefully Jin would return soon. Maybe he could put all of the pieces back together for you.

☾

Jungkook sat in on the uncomfortable leather couch in Yoongi’s office as he waited for the man to finish up whatever he was typing. He looked through his instagram feed and saw one of your posts from July. For a while, he was confused as to why this picture from July would end up on his feed, but he remembered the new instagram algorithm. Curious, he clicked on your profile and looked through it slowly. He couldn’t remember the last time he actually paid attention to your posts.

“I forgot to ask but what did you and Yn do at her apartment? She said you stayed over for a couple of hours.” Yoongi asked though his eyes never strayed from his paperwork.

Jungkook looked up at him and pondered on what to say.

“Hm, yeah. I got roped into staying. She asked a bunch of questions and we looked through her apartment and her photo albums. Her apartment’s cute, by the way. Way different from what your house looked like.” He comments.

“Really?”

“Yeah. It was bright. Lots of green. Nothing I’ve ever seen in the house you guys shared.”

“How was she when you picked her up? She told me a couple of things but I haven’t seen her yet so I can’t know if what she’s telling is the truth or not.”

It was quiet for a moment, with only the sound of turning pages filling the room, as Jungkook wondered what to say to this. He didn’t really know when to start with you, especially with how different you were acting.

“Well, she’s fine. The personality is definitely different. She seems a lot more outgoing, and she had a lot of questions but she didn’t push. I think she wants to try and figure things out on her own.” Jungkook replies as he continued to slowly look through your previous instagram posts.

“She’s been like that. She hates being a burden and gets really defensive about it sometimes.” Yoongi comments.

Jungkook pauses at your most recent post. He checks the date. September 22.

“When did you guys divorce again?” He asked.

At this, Yoongi looked up.

“The divorce was finalized on September 29, I think.” He answered, but looked questioningly at Jungkook as if to ask why.

“Did you know she was going to therapy?” Jungkook asked again.

Hearing this, Yoongi stood up abruptly and hurried over to where Jungkook was sitting.

“What? Where did you see that?” Yoongi asked as he looked over Jungkook’s shoulder.

Jungkook showed him the post. Yoongi took the phone from him and examined the post carefully.

It was a picture of clouds with text on it. Is this the life we really want? The caption read “as per the advice of my therapist, i’m just here to pop in and say that I’ll be going on a hiatus for a little bit”.

“What the fuck? I didn’t know this!” Yoongi yelled, evidently angry.

Jungkook looked at him confused. They were together for four years, how could he not know that you were at least going to therapy?

The same question was running through Yoongi’s head. He took a seat next to Jungkook to process this new information.

“Hyung, can I ask you a couple of questions?” Jungkook requested.

Yoongi could only nod.

“What was Yn like when you were together? Why did you marry her?” Those were the first questions that came out of Jungkook’s mouth.

He was truly, genuinely curious. Though he’s heard some things that Yoongi had said about you, he never knew the full story.

“We married each other because we loved each other. Wasn’t that obvious?” Yoongi retorted.

Jungkook pursed his lips at this. “Well that's what you tell everybody and yeah we get it, but considering the fact that I’ve barely seen you two together more than two handful of times in the past two years, I had to ask.”

“That’s because we were both busy, but that didn’t mean we didn’t spend time together. Of course you never saw it because you weren’t there and I’m not one to actively talk about my love life. Yn and I both liked our privacy.”

“Okay, then what was she like when you were together?”

Yoongi was quiet for a while. There were a lot of things he could say about you when you were together. He just didn’t know how to articulate it to Jungkook.

“When we were together… she was charismatic, beautiful and intelligent. Something about the way she communicated made you feel like you could forget about all of your worries and live life to its extent with her. She constantly dragged me out to picnics and made me forget about the business and my career. She made me feel young again. And she had so much love and care for people around her. For a long time, I felt like I would never be deserving of her. She was kind of like a sunflower. Or sunshine, you know what I mean?” Yoongi poured out.

Jungkook nodded. He realized that this was the time to try to figure out what happened to you in your marriage. From his conversation with you at your apartment, to the description of you that Yoongi had just given, he surmised that the version of you that he knew was someone different and he could only wonder if Yoongi saw it too.

“Did you ever feel like she changed? In the time you guys were together?” He probed.

Yoongi thought about it for a while.

“Yeah, I think so. I always found it strange that she decided to quit modelling.  When I met her, she said it was all she ever wanted. I never asked because it seemed like a sensitive topic to her, but I supported her regardless. Writing seemed so out of nowhere for her. I don’t know where it came from. Then she stopped wanting to go to business dinners and events with me and after that we just drifted. And in between that, you introduced me to Yura.”

When Yoongi mentioned Yura, Jungkook winced. He had thought about it some nights ago, but he realized that he might have had a hand in your divorce by introducing Yura to Yoongi. Though he knows Yoongi would have never physically cheated on you, he could see how Yoongi and Yura gravitated towards each other. Jungkook had to admit that Yura was a sweet girl. She was beautiful, and when she smiled it was like sunshine.

Yoongi interrupted his train of thought. “Yura is kind of a complicated subject to our marriage. I would never, ever cheat on someone I loved. And I loved Yn, so much. When you introduced Yura to me, I was happy to meet a new friend and that’s all I saw, but the more you made me hang out with you guys, the more I started to see something in her that I stopped seeing in Yn. I never meant to have any sort of romantic feelings for Yura, but it happened and I feel so fucking shitty for doing that to Yn when I’m the one who promised her a lifetime together.”

Jungkook straightened his posture as Yoongi’s confession.

“Wait, what do you mean by that?” He asked.

“By what?” Yoongi looked at him confused.

“What happened to Yn that pushed you to Yura?”

At this, Yoongi scratched his head.

“I wouldn’t say that it pushed me to Yura, but remember when I said Yn and I started getting distant? As time went on, I felt like she changed and I didn’t know who she was. She used to be so bubbly and happy and always wanting to go look at flowers, but towards the end of our marriage, she stayed holed up in our room no matter how much I asked her to spend time with me. Yura, she was happy to spend time with me. She made me feel like I could forget about everything just by talking to me.”

“Yura made you feel like how Yn used to make you feel?” Jungkook cut him off.

“Well… I guess so.”

Jungkook thought about this for a while but narrowed his eyes at his hyung.

“Hyung, answer this truthfully; do you love Yura?”

The tips of Yoongi’s ears turned red after hearing this.

“Love? I don’t know. I like her? I like the way she makes me feel. She’s beautiful and smart and she makes me happy.”

“Hyung, I don’t know if you realize this, but the way you described Yura is exactly the same way you described Yn.”

“What do you mean?”

“It sounds like you started liking Yura because she reminded you of Yn when you met her. So, do you really, truly like Yura? Or do you just like her because she reminds you of what you don’t have anymore?”

Yoongi lowered his head.

“I-I don’t know. I never thought of it like that.”

Jungkook put his hand on Yoongi’s back to comfort him. Obviously, the man was confused.

“I don’t know if this helps, but I just wanted to let you know that whenever I saw Yn, during those dinners or events, she never gave off the vibe that you described her to be. To me, she was quiet, reserved and never bothered trying to get to know us, your friends, or your business. That’s what she came off as. When you told us that you loved each other and that you eloped, I thought you were joking. When I saw her, she just seemed like the typical trophy wife. Just for show. I never liked her and wondered what you saw in her all the fucking time, but now after hearing this, and after being with her for a couple of hours, it’s obvious that something happened that fucked her up and then fucked your marriage up.” Jungkook ranted.

“I think you might need to reevaluate the relationship you had with Yn so we could help her recover from this whole amnesia thing and hopefully figure out what happened. Something definitely happened, but since I don’t know your marriage like you do, I don't know what it is. I feel guilty now after realizing that I might have had a hand in whatever the fuck she was going through. And maybe figure out what you’re going to do about Yura. Can you keep dating her when your feelings for her are based off of your feelings for your ex-wife, who is currently pregnant with your wife and doesn’t know about it?” He continued.

Yoongi took a deep breath, taking all of this conversation in.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m almost done with the shit here at the company. When I go home, I’ll sort everything out and talk to Yn and Yura tomorrow. I don’t think I can keep seeing Yura with the current situation. I have to tell Yn about the pregnancy as soon as possible, but I’m scared because the doctor told me to monitor for residual symptoms for her concussion. I don’t even know where to begin with the situation.”

“It’s okay, hyung. I’m here for you. You have to tell her about the pregnancy before she finds out herself. In the meantime, I’ll help you out when you can’t take care of her. I already feel shitty enough for how I acted with her when you two were married. I feel like I had the wrong impression this whole time.” Jungkook offered.

Yoongi remembered the moment earlier when Jungkook confessed that he never liked you and that baffled him because he thought that you two, of all people, would get along well together. More often than not, he would feel jealous of Jungkook, who had your admiration when you first started dating. He remembered you always asking him to introduce you to Jungkook and it took a year for him to budge and actually make it happen.

“I’m sure you’ll get along now. I always thought you did get along. Did you know she liked you before?” Yoongi asked.

Jungkook shook his head. “I didn’t know until the other day when you had me take her home. It probably would have helped if you told me she knew who I was before you introduced us after you got together. She never acted like she was a fan of my music and admittedly, I was a dick to her.”

Yoongi glared at him. It was a first for him to hear about how Jungkook treated his ex-wife.

“Well, you should feel shitty because she really liked you and your music. For a while, I thought she liked you more than me. If I had known you were an asshole to her, I probably would have ripped you a new one. Hearing you admit you treated her like shit makes me feel like shit because I never knew and just assumed you guys were good with each other. You didn’t do or say anything bad to her, right? You’re not that type of person.”

Jungkook could only pretend to smile at Yoongi as he asked this.

He shook his head and lied. “No, never.”

Lying through his teeth to his best friend about how he treated you made his heart fall to his stomach. Well, Yoongi didn’t have to know because it was in the past. You couldn’t remember any of the mean things he’d said to you, so now was the perfect time to make a new, much better impression of himself to you. He decided days ago that he would be better, because deep down, he knew that you didn’t deserve to be treated like how he treated you.

[nov. 21, 2020]

Yoongi had taken the day off after his somewhat enlightening conversation with Jungkook last night. He decided that he needed to go see you and spend some time with you today, but before that, he needed to settle things with Yura.

They decided to meet up at his apartment for maximum privacy, just in case anything happened. He wanted to account for the worst case scenario of Yura probably getting angry and throwing things around, but he doesn’t think she’s the type of person to do dramatic things like that.

Turns out, she’s not. When he reluctantly tells her that he can’t continue on with what they had because of residual feelings for you, in addition to the fact that there were complications in that relationship that he can’t speak about carelessly, she had reacted calmly and amicably. Though Yoongi hadn’t expected her to throw a tantrum, he was expecting some kind of anger, but all he got was a sad look passing on her face followed by comforting words.

He apologized profusely for having dragged her around when he still had apparent feelings for his ex-wife and not figuring out his feelings for her, or lack thereof, sooner. She reassured him that it was okay and she’ll be fine.

“I’ll be fine Yoongi. I liked you, but it’s pretty obvious that you used me as some kind of rebound or replacement for your ex-wife, and I was okay with it. Truthfully, I was waiting for you to just come clean and break it off with me. I hope you and Yn figure things out this time, and I hope you can talk to her. Communication is important.” She reminds him before she leaves, but not before letting him know that she would always be there for him as a friend.

He had texted her after she left, and after a couple of minutes to himself, that he was thankful for her being so nice about the situation and all in all, he didn’t regret whatever short-lived affection they had for each other.

Yoongi still couldn’t believe how smoothly everything with Yura went. He hoped that the rest of the day would be the same.

☾

You woke up to a message from Jungkook asking if you were free, so you had to tidy up the apartment and yourself because you didn’t want to look messy in front of someone you had idolized for a long time.

Luckily enough, you didn’t have to cook since Jungkook offered to bring food. You thank your lucky stars for that because for some reason, you’ve been feeling incredibly sluggish and nauseous. It was probably some symptoms of the concussion you suffered. You remembered your doctor saying something about that the last time you were at the hospital.

About 20 minutes later, you heard your doorbell ring so practically skip to the door, excited to see Jungkook and steal the food that he brought.

You opened the door to see Jungkook standing there with a big back of food in his hands. He was wearing all black, with a leather jacket that looked a tad too big on him.

“You look warm.” You comment.

He rolled his eyes. “Are you gonna invite me in or not? I even brought you food.”

You laugh a little and move to the side to give him room to step inside the apartment.

“So, what have you been doing?” He asks as he makes his way to your dining room to put the food down.

You make your way to the kitchen to get some plates for the both of you.

“Nothing. I’ve been trying to look for some stuff but I don’t know where to start so I just gave up until you or Yoongi could come help.” You reply as you move to the dining room to set the plates down.

Jungkook takes the food out and puts some on the plates. Kimbap, like you asked, and some seaweed soup.

“How have you been feeling? Okay?” He questioned.

You nodded, though hesitantly.

“Eh, I’ve been feeling kind of tired. I think I might be sick because I keep wanting to vomit. Is that my wintermelon tea, by the way?” You pointed to the drink in his hand.

Jungkook poked the straw through the lid and handed it to you.

“Sick? Did you take any medicine? Are you feeling better now?”

You took a sip of your tea and sighed, missing the sweet taste of the drink. It felt nostalgic.

“Mhm, took some earlier and I'm feeling much better thanks to the food you brought!” You smiled.

Jungkook rolled his eyes jokingly once again. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

He didn’t think about your illness any further. It was probably a cold and nothing else.

For about 20 minutes, the two of you ate and spoke about little things, mostly about Jungkook and his career. It helped you get to know him a little bit better since he’s the only person besides Yoongi who could help you in your situation until Jin comes back.

After you finished eating, you told him that you needed his help going through your room in case there was anything that could jog your memory.

“I would ask Yoongi but he’s been busy lately.”

“So I’m just your last resort?”

“You’re literally the only other person in my contact list besides Yoongi and Jin.”

“Right, anyways, lead the way!” He exclaimed.

You laughed as you led him to the room at the end of the hallway.

“Sorry if it’s a little messy, I didn’t have that much time to clean up before you got here!” You explained.

Jungkook shook his head, telling you it didn’t really matter since it was gonna be a mess anyways while you two went through your things.

☾

When Jungkook walked into your room, he was once again hit with the feeling that he had no fucking clue who you were in the past years he’d known you. If he could describe your room in one word, it would be enchanting. White walls, white sheets adorn with a baby blue blanket, wooden floors, giant plants and a mirror much bigger than himself. Your desk was filled with different kinds of pens, different notebooks that look to have been trifled through, and an unnatural amount of books and crystals.

From the looks of the rest of your house, he probably shouldn’t be surprised at your bedroom, but it’s still a bit difficult for him to wrap his mind around the fact that you were this type of person. Bright, intelligent, and incredibly neat.

He walked up to your desk and picked up the different notebooks laid out messily on the table. When he opened each of them, he noticed that they were mostly blank, with the exception of a few doodles. There were some things he’d recognized as lyrics from songs he knew, but nothing truly relevant to the memories you lost.

You stood next to Jungkook and looked at the notebooks in his hands.

“I went through those already. Nothing but a few sad lyrics here and there. None of them triggered any memories.” You mentioned.

Jungkook put them down and started walking around the room with you as you talked about what you did find during the days that you were left alone. What he got from that conversation was that you had no luck with anything and that’s why you waited until either he or Yoongi could come over and help you. Jungkook knew that Yoongi was coming over later, so if he couldn’t help you find anything or answer any of your questions today, then maybe Yoongi could.

“Oh! I forgot to mention that I can’t even access any of my social media, so do you think I can look through my instagram through your phone? I mean, if that’s okay with you. I know some people feel uncomfortable giving their phone to someone else to play around with.” You asked.

Jungkook shook his head and stuck his hand in his pant pocket, reaching for his phone.

“It’s fine, you can look at your profile, I think I follow you. The password is 061313.” He stated as he handed his phone over to you.

You grabbed it excitedly, finally getting the chance to see what your life was like during the four years that were missing from your memory. You fell back onto your bed as you unlocked Jungkook’s phone and clicked on his instagram app quickly.

You took a look at his profile first, staring in awe at the pictures he’s posted. Most of his pictures are very dark and he had quite a few selfies. You smiled a little bit as you admitted in your head that he was indeed handsome.

Okay, Yn, onto the more important things! You thought to yourself as you quickly searched your username ‘faeyn’ on the search bar. At first you were excited, but it deflated when you saw just how many posts you had. 13 posts. And almost all of them were just landscapes. Some had pictures of you by yourself, or with Jin, but that was it. How the fuck were you supposed to try to figure out your life through 13 pictures?

Scrolling through each picture and their captions from the oldest to newest, you quickly realized that you must have decided that privacy was something that should be valued. There was nothing of substance to your situation in the captions you’d written. Just casual mentions of how your day was, or what you did that day. The only thing that caught your eye was the latest post you had, dated September 22. It was a picture of clouds and the caption said something about your therapist advising you to take a break, so you were going to be on a social media cleanse for a while.

Well, at least you learned one thing. Apparently, you started going to therapy again. For what? You don’t know. You only remembered going to therapy a couple of times after the whole incident with your bastard ex-boyfriend.

You filed this little detail into your brain and hoped that maybe it would make more sense later on. Swiping up on Jungkook’s phone took you to his home screen, but you paused for a little. Maybe you could snoop through some more apps and see if there was anything else you can find.

No, that would be an invasion of Jungkook’s privacy, you thought. Another part of you argued that he wasn’t going to know and he’s here to help you. If there was anything worth hiding, he wouldn’t have given you his phone and his password so easily. And if there was anything, it wouldn’t be incriminating since he mentioned that you two didn’t really know each other that well, so you shrugged and clicked on his messages.

I’ll just see if there are any messages to me. I won’t look at anything else, you justified, as if it made it any better.

After scrolling for a little while, you finally saw something worthwhile. A text convo between you and Jungkook and from the preview of the message, it looks like it was from the middle of September. You opened it, excited to see the contents, but what you saw made you furrow your brows.

What is this?

☾

After Jungkook gave you his phone, he continued walking around your room until he got to the side of your bed that was next to the window. He looked around for a bit and saw something in the corner of his eyes. Crouching down lower, he saw something on the floor behind your headboard. He couldn’t tell what it was at first, but as soon as he moved closer, he realized it was a thick notebook. Jungkook surmises that you probably hadn’t seen it despite telling him that you looked ‘everywhere’. He took the notebook and sat down on the floor, completely hiding his figure, but not before he could look at you. He wanted to see what was in the notebook before he showed it to you, and luckily enough, you had been facing away from him.

So he sat down and opened the notebook. From just the first page, he could tell it was some kind of diary or journal. There were lots of drawings and stickers and a picture of you in a field of flowers right in the middle of the first page. He flipped through the whole notebook really quickly and found that half of it was already filled.

A part of him wanted to read through the whole thing and see what kind of things you wrote, but another part told him that it wasn’t appropriate. Despite that, he convinced himself that he should read maybe just one entry, just to see if this notebook was something substantial to your current situation.

Jungkook took a peek at you again and noticed you still had your back turned to him so he took that as a sign that he could probably get away with reading an entry. He flipped to a page randomly and focused his eyes on the writing.

The entry was dated August 4, 2020. Fairly recent. He noticed that there were some dark blotches on the paper that made the ink bleed.

He began to read the entry, not knowing what he was going to find out.

It still seems weird to be writing about my problems in a journal. I’m still not used to it, but it’s been helpful since I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this.

That made him frown.

I went to my OBGYN today because I’ve been having severe cramps and bleeding, but I already had my period so I was worried. And the cramps were starting to really hurt, so I had to go get it checked out just in case. Well, apparently I was pregnant and lost the baby.

Jungkook’s eyes widened and he gasped audibly. Luckily enough, it wasn’t loud enough for you to notice. He clasped his hand over his mouth at the disbelief in reading this information. A miscarriage? And so recent, too. He didn’t know how to feel. Yoongi had never said anything about this.

Jin actually just left my house a couple of hours ago. I don’t think the news hit me until now. I texted Yoongi earlier to tell him but he was busy so I think that was a sign that I should probably not tell him. It’s not like it matters right? Since the baby was gone anyways.

I know my therapist told me to stop with the negative self-talk, but it’s moments like this that really push me to just keep thinking I’ll never be good enough for the men that I love. Thanks to my bastard ex for fucking my mind up like this. No matter how hard I try, I always just circle back to the fact that I wasn’t good enough for him, and that I’m not good enough for Yoongi. Even fate is telling me that I’m not good enough to carry a child with the man I love. How fucked up is that?

Jungkook’s heart dropped to his stomach. He felt sick. There were so many things going through his head right now. He felt like he was violating something that was so private. Yoongi didn’t even know that you went through this. You didn’t even know you went through this. He shut the journal quickly, wiping the tears that formed in his eyes.

At that exact moment, he heard your heavy breathing and quickly got up to check on you. He walked around to your side of the bed and found you trembling with his phone in your hands. He noticed that his messages were open and he began to panic.

“What the fuck is this?” was the last thing he heard you say before your eyes rolled to the back of your head and you fell limp into your bed.

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[tobesobri]

Nervous

the one where Y/N might be insane but Harry is definitely a shy nervous idiot. (~7k) 

thank you @ anon for requesting this! I tried to do it justice, but I’ve honestly never written Harry this way so 😬hopefully it’s decent. Apart from this being probably the only request i’ve ever done, this is also my first piece of one-off writing i’ve posted in a long time, so I do really hope yall enjoy it as much as I do! Thank you to @fromyourstrulyh​ @aileenacoustic​ & @smokeinherperfume​ for beta reading and just generally being incredible ❤️As always, your feedback, thoughts or just a reblog are super appreciated!!

The busy conversation could not overpower the way the sun felt on Y/N’s skin. Sometimes it burned a little too hot, but other times it felt just right and she found herself basking in it, ignoring all her friends a few times too many. She knew if they were any further inland from the beach, the hot L.A. sun would be completely unbearable, but the breeze that swooshed through the courtyard every so often was enough to make the weather practically perfect. 

She no longer regretted going for one of her summer dresses that had straps and a shorter hemline. Her other options had been one with sleeves or a midi skirt, but either of those would have left her boiling, even if she only had her bathing suit on underneath. The last thing she needed when seeing all her friends again was to be sweating buckets. 

Especially in front of Harry. 

She couldn’t remember when he’d first joined their ever-growing group, but she wasn’t going to complain about it. He was nice to look at, which was just about all she ever did because he wasn't a man of many words. All of their conversations burnt out within a couple minutes. She never had any idea what to say to him because frankly, he intimidated her. All of her friends had various connections to Hollywood, but he was most definitely the most famous person she knew. So knowing what to even say to Harry was a whole other obstacle than just simply being acquainted with him.

But she did like to look at him whenever she could get away with it. Particularly when he was chatting with someone else and she obsessed over the way his dimples went in and out of his cheeks every time he smiled. If she wasn’t staring at his face and admiring the freckles or how green his eyes were in the sun, she shamelessly watched his hands. Whether it was while he articulated them in conversation, or while he picked up his sandwich to take another bite, she couldn’t take her eyes away from them.

She wanted nothing more than for him to just have a normal fucking conversation with her like he did with everyone else.

“Hey.” Mel nudged her elbow into Y/N’s side, forcing her eyes away from Harry for the first time in the past three minutes. “Do you want to share a slice of chocolate cake?”

And for the first time since they’d sat down, something other than Harry piqued her interest. With enough sparkle in her eyes to blind someone, Y/N nodded eagerly. “That shouldn’t even be a question.”

Mel shrugged and looked over the dessert menu again to pick out the right slice of chocolate cake between a plain one, one filled with fudge in the middle, and one packed with triple chocolate--whatever that meant. 

Trev, who sat beside Harry and right across from Y/N, folded his arms and leaned onto the table, “So Mel, how’s it going with that guy, uh… Alan?”

Mel rolled her eyes but kept them glued to her options of chocolate cakes, “It’s Adam.”

“Does it matter?”

Y/N bit back a smile and sat against her seat, waiting for the typical show between Trev and Mel where he let his jealousy spew out like boiling hot lava and made fun of whatever dude she was seeing all because he was too up his own ass to just ask her out. It was entertaining for the whole table, though, and especially for Y/N.

It was then, in the heat of Mel’s insults about Trev’s own miserable love life, that Y/N and Harry shared a glance, and only a glance because it was so quick, she thought she was imagining things. Just the familiar green of his irises burned into her eyelids was enough to know it wasn’t her mind playing tricks on her. She’d been snickering at the two in front of her when she blinked over at him, possibly because he had already been looking at her. As soon as she did, however, within less than a second he’d looked away. She would take it, and the way it made her entire insides feel like they were being electrocuted, and run with it though. He’d looked at her for the first time all afternoon and she just might gain the courage to try and talk to him again. If he would let her of course. 

She thought about their last conversation and how it seemed like centuries ago, but also may have been the reason he hadn’t said a word to her today yet. A smaller portion of their group had gone to LACMA on an off day so it wasn’t as busy. She tried to talk to him about the Diego Rivera painting he’d been standing in front of which he had humorously mistaken for Frida Kahlo. Looking back on it though, she cringed at the way she’d laughed at his mistake because he probably didn’t find it all that funny. He had still laughed right along with her, as his cheeks reddened with embarrassment and he tried to find a quick escape to avoid interacting with her again on their museum trip--which he had done, successfully. 

He knew Diego Rivera from Frida Kahlo, though, he wasn’t stupid, but whenever she was around and he had to communicate with her, he turned into a big dumb pile of mush who wouldn’t be able to tell his left foot from his right. He had never been so fucking nervous around someone in his entire life, and so naturally, he no clue what to make of her.

The bickering between Mel and Trev died down when their waitress returned to take dessert orders as a busboy collected dirty dishes. Although dessert was Y/N’s favorite part of every meal, she found herself pouting at the thought of their afternoon passing by a lot quicker than she expected it to. 

The topic of discussion shifted once the sweets all arrived and suddenly they were all going on about Tiger King conspiracies that Y/N knew jack shit about, but still listened intently as if she did. She asked a dumb question every once in a while, which made everyone at the table groan in frustration. Eventually, though, they got onto more topics she didn’t understand the references to so she gave up. 

Instead, she found herself eyeing Harry’s sampler of various cookies, particularly his painted fingers as he broke off pieces and popped them in his mouth. He had had black nail polish on at some point, but most of it had chipped off by now. The rings he usually wore to excess had dwindled down to just one on his middle finger. She missed them, even though she was sure his poor hands were in desperate need of a break from all the jewelry. His tattoos were on full display now, soaking up all the sun they could after being under long sleeve sweaters all winter. The black ink stood out against his slightly tanned skin, and especially against the red, floral print flowy button up he wore. She felt like it’d been ages since she saw him in something so casual, but they were all headed to the beach soon after all.

“Do you want some?” When she heard his voice, her eyes shot up to his face, realizing she’d been caught. Realizing he was looking at her and speaking to her because she’d been staring at his fucking hands not the cookies.

Since she couldn’t let him know about that, she nodded, “Uh sure.”

She felt even worse about taking a half of a chocolate chip cookie from him when he reached across the table and his poor, beautiful hand collided with her half-full cocktail glass that instantly dumped all over the table. It caught everyone’s attention when the glass broke and quickly Y/N and Trev grabbed napkins to soak up the liquid before it reached their laps while Val saved their plates. 

Harry hid his face in his hands after placing the half of a cookie down on his plate again, utterly embarrassed by himself. “I’m so sorry,” He mumbled between his fingers after dragging his hands down his face dramatically to see the mess he’d made.

“Literally the clumsiest fucker I know, you know that?” Trev said while sopping up the rest of her drink and discarding the used napkins on an empty plate. Val called over their waitress once she was close enough to help deal with the broken glass.

“Can I buy you another one?” Harry asked, his cheeks flushed red when she looked at him again and it was definitely not from the sun. He looked embarrassed and apologetic and she was positive he felt stupid because she knew she would in his place, but it made her sad that he thought any of that when it was just a silly mistake.

Harry definitely would not have minded sinking into oblivion right there and then.

“No it’s alright, wasn’t that good of a drink anyways.” She shrugged, easing his nerves just a tad, but he still felt horrible.

“I’ll pay for that one then.” He concluded, not giving her a chance to shoot him down this time, however. And when the checks came long after Harry’s incident that gave him plenty of time to recover, she didn’t have much say in it either when he snatched up her check before the waitress could even hand it to her.

Y/N could easily pay for herself, but if Harry insisted she wasn’t going to argue. It was his way of feeling better about the situation and she’d leave it be, even if it did bug her that he said he’d pay for her drink, not her entire bill. She kept her mouth shut, however, and just gave him a mean look so at least he knew she wasn’t happy about it, even if she had no intentions to stop him.

She escaped to the restroom while everyone wrapped up, knowing she’d have to go the second she got near the ocean later and she did not want to use the disgusting public bathrooms at the beach. They were always full of sand, salty water, and smelled ten times fishier than normal.

Her confidence was at an all time high when she looked in the mirror, wondering if it had been the sun or Harry to do it to her, but either way it really didn’t matter. She felt like she was on a cloud and like nothing could touch her or bring her back down.

Except, of course, when she walked back out to reality and realized everyone had already made their ways to the Malibu coastline. Sighing, she pulled her phone from her little crossbody bag and walked towards the main entrance. Before she got too far into her Uber app, she glanced up at a familiar shade of bright red floral print standing near the doors and instantly floated back up to the clouds. 

“Did everyone leave?” She asked once she walked up to Harry. He held onto a cardboard box of leftovers in one hand and his keys in the other. His sunglasses, that were previously perched on the neck of his shirt, had made their way to the top of his head, pushing his hair back from his face.

He nodded. “I, um… I didn’t know if you had a ride, or...?” He stumbled and she wasn’t sure why, but it was cute nonetheless, especially since she initially had the impression that Harry would be a little more self-assured than he was turning out to be. That was what she liked best about him though, that he tripped over his words and confused artists and spilled drinks. 

She held up her phone in her hands and smiled, “I’m getting an Uber.”

He furrowed his brows, but she didn’t notice when she resumed picking out the cheapest option on the app to take her down PCH as she maneuvered around him and stepped back out into the warm summer afternoon.

He followed quickly, nearly tripping over himself and then cleared his throat, “Well, um, I’ve got a car.”

She paused, glancing at him over her shoulder while she narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “What kind of car?” 

He had no clue why she’d asked him that, but given the little smirk on her lips, he had an inkling that if he didn’t have the right kind of car, she’d prefer to stick with her Uber options. What he was positive about, however, was that he’d never liked her more than he did right there in the parking lot as she planned on roasting his choice of transportation.

“Uhm...” He glanced around the lot until he found his car and then pointed it out, “that one.” 

Her eyes fell to a bright yellow, convertible 1972 Ferrari Dino and she tried her best to not let him see the way her jaw practically hit the asphalt beneath their flip flops. Instead, she swallowed, stood up straight, faced him, and put her phone away.

“That will do.”

The surface streets were quiet, even though she’d forced him to put the top down while they drove. They were boring, too. She wanted to throw her hands up and feel the air between her fingers and flowing through her hair. Instead, they were stuck at every single red light imaginable on the short trip it took to get to the highway.

“How long have you had this car?” She asked once they’d stopped again, making herself at home in his passenger seat as she rested her elbow up on the door where the window would normally be if she hadn’t rolled it down the second he started the engine.

“Mm,” He thought, pinching his bottom lip between his thumb and index finger while his other hand clung tightly to the top of the steering wheel, enough so that she could see the whites of his knuckles. Was he nervous? Did he not like to drive with the top down? Or did he just not like to drive with her constantly staring at him?

“Couple years probably,” he answered finally while adjusting the radio to turn some music on and she took that as her cue to leave him alone. Maybe he was nervous because he liked to focus on the road while driving and not on her silly questions. 

They got up to about twenty-miles-an-hour now while he flipped through stations, his eyes bouncing between the console and the road. He tuned the radio until she wrapped her hand around his forearm.

“Sorry, I just,” she let go of him after he gave her a look, one that she couldn’t quite read. He could have been mad at her for touching him for all she knew. “I really like this song.”

He moved both hands to the steering wheel as he sat back into his seat. He’d never heard the song before, but if she liked it then he’d leave it on. They drove for a bit longer until he heard her softly singing along and glanced over at her. He’d only meant to look for less than a second, but when she met his gaze, he got a little too distracted. 

Her eyes darted out the windshield and her sudden, “Harry!” caused him to slam on the breaks, luckily just seconds before he managed to rear-end a Honda Civic. He was positive his hunk of metal would have done quite some damage.

“Shit,” he muttered, running his hand through his hair to shift it back into place as his heart raced a million miles.

Then, of course, it was racing for other reasons when he heard her giggling from beside him and once he was done freaking out, he joined in. He was such a fucking idiot but it apparently had made her laugh, so… silver lining?

Once they were on the highway, he no longer felt as tense. The wind from the ocean beside them blew his hair in every direction as he got up to the speed of traffic and she watched his hands as they shifted gears. She let her eyes, and her mind, wander while staring at his tattooless arm and the way the muscles flexed under his skin. It gave her that dangerous self-confidence all over again. 

He heard her seatbelt click and immediately shot his eyes over to see what the actual fuck she was doing taking it off while he was going over sixty miles an hour. An all new reason to be anxious filled his entire nervous system as he watched her, through various quick glances, standing up in his passenger seat with no care in the world about flying out. As if he hadn’t already nearly caused an accident, here she was trusting him enough not to do it again.

Her skirt flew up in the breeze but she didn’t really care too much about that either, and neither did Harry. When she finally managed to peel her hands off the windshield, she threw them up and shouted at the top of her lungs, forcing nothing but a huge cheesy grin onto Harry’s face even though he wanted to pull over and kick her out for doing what she was doing and nearly giving him an aneurism.

She sat back down within seconds though, and his blood pressure settled at a more normal pace when she had her seatbelt secured around herself again.

“Wouldn’t have offered you a ride had I know you were going to do that!” He shouted over the sound of the wind.

“I’m in a Ferrari on PCH, you should have expected it!”

He shook his head at her as he glanced over his shoulder to switch lanes and make his off-ramp. She was fucking nuts. And he was a fucking idiot.

They sat in the parking lot together for a moment, staring out at the ocean, after he put the top up, closed the windows, and cut the engine. She was still coming down off of whatever high possessed her to stand up mid-freeway and he was trying not to act like a complete fool being alone with her again where it was quiet and they weren’t moving anymore. 

“How come we never talk much?” She asked him before either of them could even think about getting out of the car and joining their friends down on the sand.

He stared straight ahead at the waves for a moment as he thought about why they weren’t as close as he wished they were and that it might be his fault. He just never knew what to say to her to not completely embarrass himself. Within the past hour, it was clear he still hadn’t figured it out.

He sighed, “Probably because you stand up in cars and make me nervous.” He didn’t realize, however, how his words would be twisted until she did so.

“Oh, so we don’t talk because I make you nervous?” She teased with a smirk but she clearly had no idea how right she was about that. Or maybe she did have some idea about it. 

Either way, he tensed up realizing he had, yet again, said some dumb shit and went and embarrassed himself again.

“I’m kidding,” she assured when he remained quiet, “I just think we should talk more.” She fidgeted with the hem of her dress and it most definitely did not go unnoticed by Harry. “Then maybe one day you’ll let me drive your Ferrari and you can stand up.”

The breeze dropped several degrees as they walked through the sand to their friends, who were already set up with a few chairs and an ice chest full of wine coolers. It was a nice relief from the burning afternoon sun, but Y/N still regretted not packing a sweater.

As they walked together, someone made a whistling sound at them as if suggesting something had happened with her and Harry between the time it took them to get from the restaurant to the beach. It made him uneasy when everyone looked at them like they were amidst a walk of shame, and even more so when he glanced down at her to his side to see she was also slightly uncomfortable. 

“What took you two so long?” Trev asked the second she and Harry reached their little set up. Everyone was already either taking their clothes off to run into the ocean, or securing their spots in the warm sand, nursing a bottle or two of alcohol.

Y/N squared her shoulders, “Harry almost caused an accident.” 

His head whipped towards her so fast, he was sure he pulled a muscle in his neck. It was one thing for her to know about his dumbassery, but everyone else didn’t have to be in on it too. 

A couple of their friends giggled, making Harry scratch at the back of his neck nervously, shaking out his curls and hoping they didn’t all think he was the biggest imbecile alive for not knowing how to drive a car like that. Especially since he did know how to drive, his brain just didn't function the way it was supposed to when Y/N was around. 

“Or maybe,” Trev leaned in suggestively glancing between the both of them before settling his eyes on Y/N, “Harry finally won you over with his Ferrari.”

She scrunched her face, trying to figure out what the fuck Trev meant by finally? Harry never tried winning her over at any point in the past. Hell, before today she had been afraid that he hated her, wondering tirelessly what she did to get on Harry Styles’ bad side. 

When she glanced at Harry, she was relieved to find that he seemed just about as confused as she was. So it was just Trev being a slimy asshole as per usual.

She rolled her eyes and shoved Trev’s shoulder as she walked past him, eliciting an overly dramatic response as he held his shoulder like a ginormous baby and called her a bitch under his breath.

Both Harry and Trev watched as she lifted her dress over her head, tossed it and her purse into a chair full of other people’s clothes, and flashed Trev her middle finger while she glanced over her shoulder at him. Before she ran off to the water, however, her eyes found Harry just in time to see the way his eyes flickered back up to her face. She smiled knowingly at him just before taking off, hoping his gaze would find its way to her backside again as she did so.

And frankly, her bathing suit didn’t leave too much to the imagination. It was all held together with strings that could come undone with just a single tug from Harry’s hands. Her bottoms were definitely cheeky and her top… Harry should not be looking.

But he was, he constantly found his eyes gravitating towards her as he sat beside Trev on land while she played in the water with the others. He also found his fists clenching whenever one of the other guys in their group got a little too close. He should also not be jealous. 

“You know,” Trev began, sitting back against his seat and resting his wine cooler on his knee, “we all know you’re infatuated with her…” Harry turned to look at Trev like he was insane, “except for her of course. Probably because you act like an idiot around her and she thinks there’s something seriously wrong with you.”

Harry really couldn’t disagree. He did act like he only had a handful of brain cells sometimes, but in his defense, he didn’t do it on purpose. He had no clue why he couldn’t operate properly whenever she was around. No one had ever done that to him, not a single person he ever found remotely attractive turned him into a helpless ball of nerves the way she did.

Sighing, Harry stared out at the horizon through his tinted sunglasses and mumbled grumpily. “Maybe a little bit.”

“Knew you were too good to be true,” Trev teased, assuming Harry was referring to there being something seriously wrong with him rather than being maybe a little bit infatuated with her.

Harry shook his head with an exasperated smile on his lips, “You’re a cunt.”

“Listen man,” Trev sat forward again, taking a swig of his drink, “She’s fucking insane sometimes, but if you like her…” He shrugged.

“How insane is she, exactly?” Harry asked, although he already had an inkling given her earlier actions in his car. 

Trev snorted out a laugh, “Not like that. She’s just like… I don’t know. Does crazy shit. She was the first one to jump off this huge ass cliff when we went diving a few summers ago.” Trev reminisced fondly before laughing again when he recalled something else Y/N had done. “She got drunk off her ass at New Years and did a handstand in the middle of Gasolina.”

Although Harry didn’t know what Gasolina was, he still imagined how fucking hilarious that party must’ve been. She was the good kind of crazy, he assumed, not the kind that might chop off his fingers in his sleep.

“Besides, all she does is work and hang out with her dog.” Trev added, leaving Harry to wonder profusely about what kind of dog she had. He considered a dachshund at first, but maybe a chihuahua was more her speed. 

“Anyways,” Trev sighed, settling into his seat again, “I just think you should stop acting like a twelve-year old and ask her out if you like her.”

Harry’s brows furrowed again, “Maybe you should take your own advice.”

He watched as Trev’s eyes landed right on Mel, who had her arms around Y/N’s shoulders as they descended further into the ocean, and he sighed even deeper this time. “That’s way more complicated than the two of you.”

He never would have offered her a ride, no matter how much he liked her, when she’d first came up from the water and threw her dress back on. She was a wet, hot mess for a long while until they all packed up after they watched the sun set and it started getting dark. There was no way he was leaving her there to wait for an Uber by herself, however, once they’d gotten everything packed up into the back of Trev’s Jeep. 

Not that she was pulling her phone out to scroll through the app or asking anyone else for a ride. 

So, she wound up in his passenger seat again, staring at the sky as it mixed through various shades of peaches and purples until it turned a dark blue color and the stars started coming out as he drove. They listened to some oldies station while heading north on PCH and she never stopped looking at how beautiful the world was around her, especially the part of the world that sat right next to her as he drove silently with his sunglasses on top of his head again. He was cute when he focused, she thought.

When he reached her driveway, she really didn’t want him to leave yet. She’d even considered taking him the long way to her house and hoping he wouldn’t notice just to spend more time with him. She stared up at the stars still while they sat idly in her front yard until she looked over at Harry with a smile and he met her eyes curiously.

“Do you wanna meet my dog?”

She shivered as she closed the door behind Harry, locking it before returning her attention back to him. Seeing him planted into the familiar backdrop of her house felt weird, but it also swelled her stomach with a million butterflies.

“I’m gonna change real quick. The living room’s through there,” she pointed and he followed, “you can make yourself at home.”

While she disappeared up the stairs, he wandered hesitantly, removing his shoes before he walked onto the carpet in her living room. He sat down in the corner of her loveseat, taking in all the surroundings. Her house was nice and he thought about what she did for a living, trying to remember if it had ever come up in conversations before. He didn’t get too far lost in his thoughts and his wandering eyes when there was a sudden bang on the back door behind him followed quickly by loud and incessant barking.

When he looked out the windows that faced her backyard he realized she did not, in fact, have a dachshund or a chihuahua. She had a fucking pitbull.

Possibly even more fitting, and slightly less scarier than the chihuahua. 

“Sorry,” she ran in the living room just then, in a pair of lounge shorts and a loose-fitting long sleeve, and went straight to the back door, “I promise Patrick’s not as mean as he sounds.”

“Patrick like… from Spongebob?” Harry asked as she unlocked the back door to let him in.

She grinned like Harry was the first one to automatically get the reference without her having to explain it, “He was a little bit dumb as a puppy.” She shrugged and opened the door and the tan-colored pitbull ran straight towards Harry, jumping on the couch and into his lap like they were already the best of friends.

Patrick got about ten licks to Harry’s poor face before Y/N got a hand in between and tried pulling the stubborn dog away. She apologized again and even though Harry assured her that it was okay, he still seemed highly uncomfortable. When she moved, hoping Patrick would stop molesting Harry with his tongue, she’d been horribly wrong and he went back in for more and Harry was far too polite to do anything about it himself besides making feeble attempts at pushing Patrick away awkwardly.

So, instead, she ran around the couch and pulled him off of Harry, squeezing herself between him and her dog. While Harry wiped off his face, she turned toward him once Patrick had settled down, “I swear he’s trained, he just… forgets boundaries sometimes.” She said the last bit through her teeth, directed specifically at Patrick while petting the dog on the head. He just continued to stare past her at Harry, panting and wagging his tail.

“It’s alright, I don’t mind.” Harry assured her again. He really didn’t mind. Maybe a little, but it wasn’t the end of the world to have too much attention from a dog. Especially if it was her dog. 

It was quiet for a moment before she perked up like she’d just remembered something, “Oh, do you want something to drink? I forgot to ask before.”

Harry didn’t really want her to leave just yet, but on the other hand, he desperately wanted her to. He could feel the nervous sweat on his forehead and his clammy hands and he just needed a moment to collect himself. So he nodded, “Sure,” and she bounced back up onto her feet and left him alone with Patrick.

While Harry had successfully wiped the sweat from his face on the back of his shirt and his hands on his jeans--and cupped said hand over his mouth to check his breath-- Patrick scooted right up to Harry’s side, curled into a ball, and rested his head on Harry’s lap. Which was the exact sight Y/N returned to moments later with a couple glasses of water in her hands.

“Guess he likes you, then.” She laughed lightly while handing one of the glasses to Harry and sat down on the other side of Patrick. It was a gap bigger than the one between them previously, but Harry was okay with that. Maybe he’d stop sweating so profusely from just being in her presence. 

They were quiet again, but not for too long that it ever got awkward. Harry was sure, at this point, that Y/N was a professional at avoiding awkward silences with the way she said the most random shit right out of the blue. 

“Do you like stand up?”

He looked at her like he had no clue what the fuck she was talking about, but in hindsight he should have known. In the moment, though, when she caught him off-guard, he literally could not fathom in his brain what she meant by stand up. So he just shrugged and mumbled, “I guess?”

She didn’t seem to notice his enormous brain fart when she reached forward to grab the remote from the coffee table a little too excitedly. And once she turned on Netflix and searched for John Mulaney, it clicked in his head. Maybe Trev had been right. Harry might just have something slightly wrong with him.

He’d never personally seen any of Mulaney’s stand up, but he’d heard the name and when Y/N mumbled that he was one of her favorite comedians, that’s all he needed to know about the guy. Harry would sit through hours of his stand up if it meant spending more time with her.

John Mulaney had already gotten a few giggles out of Harry within the first five minutes of The Comeback Kid and every single time it happened, Y/N glanced at him proudly as if she were the one telling the jokes and making Harry laugh.

She felt even more full of herself when John’s punchline about exes came seven minutes in and Harry nearly laughed his entire ass off at, ‘Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die.’

Actually, she was certain he’d done some damage to his body when Harry laughed so hard that he held a hand to his stomach, doubled over on the couch and choked on his own spit. She tried not to laugh at his reaction as she sat forward and grabbed his glass of water off the coffee table to hand it to him.

Her movements caused Patrick to get up and jump off of the couch, settling for a cool spot on the hardwood floors to stretch out on as he panted. Harry sipped on his water until he could breathe properly again.

“It’s okay,” she reassured him, “the dick jokes get me every time too.” Although she intended for it to make him feel better, his cheeks just burned twice as hot from the way she said dick so nonchalantly. 

“Are there more dick jokes then?” He asked.

“There’s always more dick jokes to be made.” She confirmed, making him chuckle again. “So you’ll stay and laugh at them with me?”

He wasn’t sure at what point she’d gotten so close to him on the couch, but when she laughed and he felt her shoulder shake against his own, he quickly tensed up. It wasn’t that he didn’t want her closer, he just didn’t want to act like a complete fool again. And his reaction to just her touching his shoulder was enough to tell him foolery was on the horizon. 

He also wasn’t sure when it became a given that he was staying to watch all of the John Mulaney specials on Netflix with her, but he wasn’t complaining. As long as he got to hear her laugh and imitate some of the jokes and weird voices John did, he was happy staying exactly where he was all night and, in fact, when she announced they’d burned through all of them, he was disappointed. 

Even more so when she flipped the TV off and he wondered how much longer until she planned on saying goodbye and then who knows how long until they’d see each other again. 

It was quiet, apart from Patrick’s snores, but not for long. 

“I’m sorry I stood up in your car and made you nervous.”

He turned and met her eyes and she was very clearly not sorry about it, but he didn’t want her to be either. “S’alright.”

They stared at each other for a moment while he thought about what else she was going to say, if anything at all. But he should have known better than to assume she didn’t have anything else up her sleeve.

It was just that the next time she spoke there wasn’t the perpetual cute little grin on her face. Instead, she met him with a frown. “To be honest, Harry, I kinda thought you hated me before today.”

He scrunched his face, absolutely detesting that she ever thought that at all. “I don’t hate you.” He said it like it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard.

She tilted her head to the side while she looked at him and then gave him a reason why it wasn’t that ridiculous of an assumption on her part. “Then why do you always avoid me?”

He felt bad about the way he acted around her, especially since she had the wrong impression about it. He didn’t avoid her, he just didn’t know how to talk to her when he always acted like a neanderthal around her.

Sighing, he shuffled a bit in his seat as the anxious sweats really made themselves known. “You were right when you said we don’t talk because you make me nervous.”

She grew more confused by that, “You’re literally Harry Styles, how do I make you nervous?”

He shrugged, “Been trying to figure it out myself.”

Although he’d been avoiding her gaze like the plague, sure that he’d never be admitting any of this to her while looking right into her eyes, she still smiled sweetly at him. He was Harry fucking Styles, who got up on a stage more times than she could imagine and sang in front of thousands of people, but she made him nervous.

She took him off guard again. “Are you seeing anyone right now, Harry?”

His eyes quickly panned to her, wide and puzzled by her question. “No… wh--”

She didn’t give him a chance to finish after she’d gotten the only answer she wanted out of him and suddenly she was a lot closer than she’d ever been. In fact, there was no longer a single gap between them as she reached her hand up to his jaw and pulled his mouth down onto hers. Even though he didn’t know how to react at first, feeling her on his lips, his brain swelled with all the good kinds of chemical reactions and he kissed her back, wiping his hand on his jeans again before he touched it to the side of her face, cupping her cheek in his palm softly.

Normally, he’d be the one making the first move, but he didn’t really mind it being the other way around with her. Who knows if they ever would have gotten to this point if they’d waited for him to make the first move, after all. 

He definitely didn’t mind it when she swiped her tongue across his lower lip and positioned herself into his lap. His head had fallen back into the cushions while she straddled him and got a little too carried away, but, again, he didn’t mind it. He fed off of her energy until he was slipping hesitant hands down her waist and on her backside, making her moan into his mouth that both felt and sounded like heaven. 

Heaven. He was in heaven and this completely bizarre angel was in his lap, making out with him on her couch and rubbing herself all up on him in ways that were so very unheavenly.

Neither of their dopamine infused brains registered the sound of Patrick’s collar when it was vastly more important to focus on the way she giggled around his mouth and how his tongue felt swirling around with hers. 

However, when he jumped up on the couch beside them and began licking Y/N’s face, she snapped back to reality for a moment. Pulling away from Harry with a whine, she sat back on his knees and wiped the slobber with the back of her hand while she stared over at Patrick.

“Can I help you?”

Patrick did some whining of his own while he dug his paw towards her, begging for attention. So she gave it to him, petting his head and scratching his ears while Harry watched, still very aware of his hands on her hips and her free hand leaning on his shoulder.

“Crazy dog,” she muttered mostly to herself while Patrick laid down next to them.

“Like his owner,” Harry teased, mostly just to bring her attention back to him.

It worked too as she pinged her eyes back to Harry as fast as humanly possible and faked offense, “You think I’m crazy?”

“You asked me to meet your dog and then somehow hooked me into staying for three hours to watch John Mulaney specials and then completely out of nowhere… ended up here.” He nodded his head down at their current positioning with her still perched on his lap.

It took her a moment, but she fully realized what she had done soon enough. And once she did, she was quick to apologize. “Shit, Harry, I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to--”

Before she managed to get much further away from him in failed attempts of removing her foolish self from his lap, he grabbed hold of her wrists and brought her hands up to either side of his head, pulling her as close as she’d been before with just an inch or so gap between their lips this time.

“I think that’s why you make me nervous,” He admitted softly and after glancing between both her wary eyes, his gaze landed on her lips just moments before he stretched upwards to meet them with his again. 

They fell back into place completely, except this time, she’d gone as far as to undo all the buttons on his shirt while she made out with him on her couch. Once it was open and she had full range of his chest, she pulled away from him again and watched his body rise and fall quickly as he caught his breath. She traced her fingertips over his butterfly tattoo, and like magic formed a few of them in his stomach while he watched her through heavy eyelids. 

When their eyes met again, she smiled excitedly. “Does this mean I can drive your car now?”

[wtffundiefamilies]

This is from 2013, but holy hell I hope Anna finds it.  Entirety of the post beneath the cut; it’s both long and not something people should read with no warning.  But I wanted to copypaste in case the link goes down one day.  It’s insane to me that these “little details” and “clues” are obvious and screaming red flags to people raised in a normal world.  (And no, looking at legal porn is not a “red flag” that someone is a child molester.  But, like...again, given the circumstances I’m not sure what we’d expect; we all saw what Jessa said.)  It’s part one of a series, and it’s amazing just how much this dude sounds like Josh.  And how much their “courtship” sounds like Josh and Anna’s.

Part of my mission, my purpose in life, is to educate others about child predators.  I’m not here to stir up some kind of crazy hype, but to present the facts and to give you a bit of insight as to what happened in my own life.  How was I so blinded to the fact that for forty years I was living with a practicing pedophile?  How did I not see the signs?  How did I not pick up on something being very wrong with the man I married?  

The truth is that I sensed something was wrong even before we got married, but I didn’t listen to my inner being.  I didn’t pay attention to those nudgings that something was wrong.  Why?  Because as a Christian it had been taught to me from little up that people who went to church were good, honest, moral people.  I was taught to trust people who said they believed in God and followed His teachings.  And, I did just that.  I was, unfortunately, one of the most trusting women who ever walked the face of the earth!

Pay attention to this, please!  Just because a person tells you that they walk by the teachings of God does not mean it’s true.  In fact, the word of God warns us against “wolves in sheep’s clothing”, and I learned first-hand just what that meant.  But, it would be years before my eyes were totally opened to this fact. As a bit of background information, I came from a broken home.  My parents divorced when I was fourteen, a sister of mine died when she was thirteen, my mother was an alcoholic, and my father was by today’s terms a “dead beat dad.”  Needless to say, I longed for a different life, and I prayed constantly that God would send a good, righteous, faithful Christian into my life so that I could build a home on godly principles and a firm foundation.

I worked hard all through high school so that I could go to college.  But, I didn’t want to go to just any college.  It had to be a Christian college because I sincerely believed that was the only place I would ever meet a Christian man to marry.  Because I worked so hard all through high school, I earned a four-year scholarship to a four-year state school.  BUT, you guessed it!  The idea of finding and marrying a Christian man was so ingrained in my heart and mind by now that I passed up the scholarship and instead went to a very small, two-year Christian College.  Little did I know that this one decision would lead to so much heartache for me and for those who are most special in my life — my children.  While it’s true that we can’t see around every bend in the road, there are signs and signals along the way.  I didn’t pay attention to anyone who tried to talk to me.  One thing was on my mind — finding a Christian mate!

Every person wants to feel special, and longs to be told that they stand out among all of the rest.  During the summer between my first and second year of college I met a young man who was articulate, bright, funny, witty, and who also told me that I stood out.  He was spending the summer at college and so was I.  A friendship developed, and even though I was engaged to marry someone else, this young man worked very hard every day to convince me that I was with the wrong person.  He pointed out all of the flaws of the man whose ring I was wearing until he finally convinced me to break off the engagement.  That’s a story in and of itself — maybe I’ll share that with you another day.

What was a bit strange to me was that the man I would soon marry had a quiet control over me like nobody ever had before.  Even though I had low self-esteem I was used to making my own decisions and being very independent.  For the first time in my life I found I was reporting my every move to this quiet, shy young man. He told me I was special.  He said out of all the girls on campus I was the only one that he thought was pretty and was a true Christian.  He told me just what I wanted to hear.  It was the word “Christian” that nailed me!  I knew he was the one I had been praying about since my youth!

One of the greatest stories my now ex-husband loved to tell was how he spotted me from across campus and said to his roommate, “See that girl?  I’m going to marry her.”  This was totally absurd because at the time he said that we had not even met!  He later told me he would hide and watch me — study me — and he knew my schedule, when I was going to eat, when I’d walk back to campus, when I would go to work.  He said, “I knew everything about you.  I knew where you were from morning until night. I knew I would marry you.”

Instead of being freaked out and thinking this guy was some kind of stalker psycho, I was flattered.  “He chose me.”  Out of all of the girls around, he chose me and that again was more evidence of answered prayers.  Deep inside, though, was a gnawing feeling that something wasn’t right.  He didn’t talk much.  And, for a man who said he loved God, he made fun of people in a mean way.  He mocked people’s insecurities.  Yes, you guessed it!  He mocked me on several occasions and I felt like a piece of dirt he had stepped on.  He made fun of the size of my nose.  He made fun of my feet calling them “hammer head toes.”  He made fun of the space I have between my teeth.  I cried myself to sleep many, many nights, but still……..he was a Christian man, and he was so nice when we were together in public.  He opened the car door for me (it was my car, by the way).  He paid the bill when we went out to eat and left a nice tip.  (It was my money that he used.)  He talked me into giving him my car (which I had since I was 16) and I found myself asking him for permission to use my own car.  This was really weird!

Why did I put up with it?  Why does anybody put up with abuse?  Because they’ve been so used to being beaten down that they think this is the norm. Please, please — if you’re in a situation like this run for your life!!!  This is NOT the way a good relationship works!  And, it’s a red flag indicator of many other problems — in my case, it was a big red flag that I was being masterfully manipulated.  Groomed to be the wife of a pedophile who was already deeply involved in porn and child sexual molestation!  

Learn to listen for “clues” that a decision you’re making might not be right.  I had BIG clues that I passed off as “odd”, “not making much sense”, “silly”, or “not that big of a deal.”

Clue 1:  For the last four months we dated, my fiance was in Israel doing overseas study.  We corresponded by letter only.  We were to get married less than one week after he arrived back in the states.  In his letters he would write to tell me how he would hide behind the grasses on the beach and watch girls changing out of their clothes and swimming nude.  He said he’d skip class and stay there all day.  In other words, he was openly telling me he was a “peeping Tom.”  This was a test of how far he could manipulate me and I passed with flying colors! I never questioned him about it.  Oh, I cried lots, but I never questioned him!

Clue 2:  He told me while we were dating that he and one of his cousins spent the summers together and they would steal cartons of cigarettes from stores and sneak out of the house at night and smoke the cigarettes and look at “porn” all night long.  Another test!  I looked at him quietly but never questioned him.  If you want to know the truth — I didn’t even know what porn was!!!!!  I had to ask my college roommates.  Again, I was being tested.  Could he get away with doing things right under my nose?  Sure he could. I’d never question a man of God!

Clue 3:  He was almost 21 and his favorite job was to “babysit all the little kids at church for free because he loved to give them baths and powder their little butts.”  I’m totally sick now as I write these words.  Why in heaven’s name didn’t I run from this man? There were so many clues that something was wrong, and I passed them off as being a little odd.  Nothing more — just a little bit odd. In fact, I actually thought this was kind of nice.  I never saw my father get involved in parenting like that, and I thought, “Wow!  This man will make a wonderful father!”    

Porn.  Lying.  Peeping Tom.  A young man who loves bathing and powdering little kids.  Masterfully manipulating.  Gaining the trust of adults. (Church people loved him babysitting their kids!)

I was another one of his victims.  I was being set up. I was being groomed  I would be the perfect alibi for his continued evil behavior.  He was calculating.  He studied me.  He used me.  He used my faith as a means to get what he wanted.  He knew what he was doing! His actions were no mistake.  He worked very hard to plan every detail.  

Listen up everyone!  Please don’t do as I did!  If your gut is telling you something is wrong, it probably is!!! Pay attention to the little details and the little voice that is whispering something is wrong!!!

This is just the beginning of my story.  I will share more in the weeks to come in hopes that others will not be blinded to the facts as I was.   We must get educated about child sexual molesters so that we can protect life’s most precious blessings — our children!

Why am I sharing the ugly, sad parts of my life?  That’s simple.  Because children are beautiful.  Children are precious.  Children deserve to be protected.  Statistics (according to information found here ) tell us that 1 in every 3 girls and 1 in every 6 boys are molested by the age of 18.  Please help me to stop this!  Let’s get educated!  Let’s do all we can to make it incredibly difficult for the molester!  Let’s be vigilant on behalf of our children — at all times!!!

Every child should have the ability to grow up feeling safe and loved and whole and pure!

It isn’t easy or comfortable for me to write about this, but I must.  I must take this terribleness and do something positive with it.  I must work for the safety of our children. Thanks so much for stopping by and for taking the time to read this.  Thanks even more for making yourself more aware of what is going on right under our noses — in our schools, our churches, our camps, our homes.  Let’s do all we can to work together to make this a safe place for our children!  

Love, Clara

[hubbytaeil]

hello! for the request, can you do, 89+93+98 with badboy!hendery + innocent!s/o? the genre is up to you!💕

Hendery + #89 Your lips are so soft. I could kiss them all day, #93 Don’t tell your parents, #98 You’re adorable

genre: fluff

word count: 1k7

a/n: sorry this took so long ;; also as i was writing i fell in love with this concept so now i’m an emotional wreck lol

✿ prompts for requests ✿

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” You mumbled completely out of breath, attempting to entangle yourself between the bushes of your backyard. “And yet, here you are.” Answered Hendery, who just a few minutes prior had texted you to come down and meet him. He couldn’t just ring the doorbell, of course. “If my parents see you here, they’re going to kill you first and me second.” You remarked, moving aside some branches to get a better look at him. “Okay, don’t tell your parents I’m here then, easy as that” snickered your interlocutor. Hendery’s face was lit up by the soft moonlight, he was wearing his signature leather jacket, the one he brought everywhere with him, even at church. His hair fell delicately on the corners of his face, framing it perfectly as always.

When you had seen him for the first time during a Sunday mass his hair was a little shorter and he had a bit of a tan, which was now disappearing. “Look at that young man, can he at least show some respect with an appropriate attire when he goes to church?” was one of the many comments your mother would whisper in your ear, you always nodded, making her believe that you agreed with her. She had absolutely no clue that you and Hendery would’ve ended up bonding during the course of the Summer at youth camp. No one knew that you two would sneak out of your accommodations to meet in secret by the lake; he had taught you how to slide rocks along the water surface and you had helped him memorise some prayers Hendery couldn’t wrap his head around. If any of your friends had known, you knew their perception of you would’ve changed drastically. You with your long dresses and the “God-honouring” styled hair, as Hendery had nicknamed them. Him and his always black attire and hair that would never stay in its place, just like him. Hendery was like a volcano that could explode at any moment, ready to speak his mind whenever he desired to. It was a characteristic that, deep down, you wish you had for yourself. Both of you, so different, yet somehow, you clicked with each other perfectly. Summer eventually came to an end, and you thought so would your friendship. Oh, how wrong you were. As soon as you came back home, he would come looking for you, making sure to come around when your parents weren’t home. You couldn’t help but feel rather taken back, partly because you were afraid. Not only for what the others would’ve said, but also for him. You knew very well that, under that cold and unbothered act Hendery would put on, there was the sweetest guy you’d ever met. People just couldn’t see through him like you did. Still, you were too scared to meet him in broad daylight, which resulted in him suggesting to meet some time after dinner. And here you were, with leaves entangled in your hair as you were trying to get past the last bush that was separating you two. When you were finally face to face with Hendery, you adjusted the hem of your dress, making sure that there were no stains. “You’re adorable.” Whispered Hendery but you had heard him loud and clear. You thanked the darkness that was hiding your trembling hands. “Don’t mock me.” “I’m serious.” Hendery objected, letting his fingers remove the leaves that were still on your head. To other people this small contact would not be considered a big deal, but to you it was, due to your upbringing. You had never been this close to a man before, and Hendery was aware of that. He was also aware that he adored how flustered you would get when he would take such liberties; seeing you messing up your words, your shaky hands hiding behind your back, your breathing getting quicker, everything about you would drive him crazy. As he removed the last remaining leaf, he lingered there on the spot, wanting to figure out the features of your face. “H-Hendery, can you back up a l-little?” “Oops, my bad.” He apologised, but he wasn’t sorry at all. “So… what was so urgent that it could not wait?” you implied, crossing your arms. “Nothing. I just wanted to see you, y/n”. Hendery replied boldly, mimicking your movements. You were still not used to his gratuitous upfront remarks, inevitably your lips parted slightly, unable to respond. “Oh, and also… I want to show you something.” Hendery quickly put his arm in yours, making his way through the darkness. “Hendery, w-wait-“ “I swear, it’ll only take five minutes. I’ll get you home safe and sound, I promise.” He spoke so seriously, looking at you over his shoulders, you knew that he meant it. It made you feel secure and at ease. You stopped resisting, matching his steps to yours, all the while looking down to hide your smile.

 You had lived in this neighbourhood for years, yet you had never been on top the hill that was just minutes away from your house. Neither you had ever seen the city this way before: all the lights illuminating the night sky left you breathless. As you were taking all of this in, Hendery stood on the side, observing your rather childish expression. “Sit down with me.” Hendery asked politely. Before you could refuse with the excuse that you would’ve ruined your dress, he removed his jacket and put in on the ground, indicating that you could sit there. “But it’s your favourite jacket.” “And that’s your favourite dress.” Hendery remarked with a tender smile that made you give in. You sat together, like many times before by the lake, but this time it felt rather strange. The atmosphere was tense, so unlike you two. Usually you would converse, laugh freely and joke around. You broke the silence making a remark on the sudden temperature shift to which Hendery just hummed in response. Then silence fell again. “I’m sorry y/n, I don’t know how to do this.” “What do you mean?” now you were nervous, clueless about what he was referring to. Hendery fidgeted with the rings around his fingers, trying to utter something that could make sense to you. “I don’t want to scare you.” “Well, you are scaring me with all of this mysteriousness.” You slightly stuttered saying this, causing Hendery to smile tenderly. “Okay then… can I hold your hand?” Hendery’s request would’ve felt out of place to anyone, but he knew that he had to behave this way with you. Being so shy, and inherently afraid of the contact of a man, courageously taking you in his arms and kissing you passionately, like he had dreamed about, wouldn’t have been the best option. Hendery wanted you to trust him, to feel safe with him, and he was succeeding, considering how quickly you nodded, touched by how considerate he was being. His fingers slid in between yours carefully. He was surprised by how you reciprocated the grip, and you were as well. “Do you like this? I mean… is it alright?” Hendery questioned, noticing how your eyes would not move from the landscape. “I like it, a lot.” You replied, stressing the last word. Hendery’s heart was about to implode, he was now sure that you felt the same, so he decided to push his luck. “Would it be alright if I kissed you?” the way he was articulating his sentences was so far from how he spoke normally in these situations, yet he was ready to make compromises for you. Slowly, you gathered up the courage to look him directly. Of course, you wanted to kiss him, that was all you had dreamed about during the entire summer, but there was one thing holding you back. “I’m afraid that I don’t know how to.” You came clean, looking away once again, but Hendery stopped your movement halfway, gently reaching for your cheek. “All you have to do is close your eyes and just… slightly part your lips and... move them with me.” You followed his instruction, although you were certain you looked like an idiot in doing it. Both of Hendery’s hand were now cupping your face, guiding you cautiously to him. When your lips finally touched, it felt like heaven opening up its pearly gates to you. Hendery’s pecks were delicate and sweet, succeeding in his attempt of making you relax. You began matching your movements to his, finally returning the kiss properly, making Hendery melt right there on the spot. The exchange remained as chaste as possible, yet somehow Hendery couldn’t recall a single kiss that had made him feel this way. He knew that you were special from the first time he had seen you stand up so proudly, reciting a psalm in front of the whole congregation. And now you were there, in his arms, granting him the privilege to be the first man to ever kiss you. The pride he felt in such honour was beyond words. Calmly, Hendery leaned backwards, disconnecting your lips. He observed your expression thoroughly, wanting to make sure that you had enjoyed it just as much. Your bright smile was more then enough for an answer. “Wow, y/n. Your lips are so soft, I could kiss them all day.” That was more like the Hendery you had grown so fond of. “Don’t say these things.” You mumbled this sentence almost like a reflex, even if your mind didn’t agree with it, and it showed in the laugh that followed your statement. Suddenly, you felt Hendery’s lips pressing on your forehead lovingly. “If you don’t want me to say those things, then I won’t.” he declared, miming a zip closing his lips. You shook your head, tenderly moving his hand away. “I want you to be yourself.” After finishing the sentence, you caught a glimpse of a wide-eyed Hendery, who stayed silent for a full minute. You were starting to worry, seeing him speechless for the time since you had met him. Then he fiercely grabbed your hand, placing it on his chest. “And I want you to be my girlfriend.”

[liodain]

Oh hey! Consider this a humble request for J, L, and O from the writer asks. And if you’re feeling extra generous for X, a prompt of ‘strange beauty’ with whatever fandom/characters/ship strikes your fancy.

Hey you 💙 thanks for the questions!

J: What does writing mean to you?

My first foray into writing was kind of nonstandard in that my hobby was writing room/item/npc descriptions for a MUD (the text-based telnet precursors of the modern MMO). Back then I didn't even think of it as "writing" as such, since they were separate if interconnected chunks of text that averaged about 50 words a piece, so like... not exactly a book, was it? (I figured out eventually that what I was doing was environmental storytelling, don't worry 😅)

My satisfaction with it wasn't so much the narrative anyway though: it was the freedom to build a world that I wanted my character, and my friends' characters, to inhabit. The admin side of this particular MUD was largely hands-off, there were no specs and barely any documentation and the guy in charge was bordering on Timecube levels of weird (and retrospect, was some kind of unwell) — builders were given free rein to generate whatever content we liked so long as we could figure out how and that it fit the aesthetic of the game, which was kind of nuts in retrospect. Someone would go "hey lio (this mud is the lio origin story btw) I want to explore some caves", so I'd build some caves for them to explore, and die in, more often than not — there'd be a bunch of clues scattered around that suggested they should probably get out of there before high tide. When was high tide? The fisherman on the beach would tell you, if you took a moment to talk to him. Writing meant an ability to shape the world into one I wanted to spend my time in. And boy, did I.

This was back in 2000. I didn't write any narrative prose until 2009, when I fell into my first real fandom at the tender age of, uh... 27. I'm not particularly good at quickly converting my feelings into thoughts and articulating them, as 1) anyone who's tried to talk to me in real time and/or irl and 2) how long it's taking me to reply to these asks will attest, lol. Writing is an effective way to share what it is about a character or ship or canon that grabs my attention (/obsession), and a way to satisfy that urge to talk about them, only instead of trying to have a conversation or writing meta, I can write a story instead. Show, don't tell, quite literally. So for me, as well as a way to get lost in a world and characters I enjoy, writing is also a way to...idk, feel part of a community with people, but with a buffer that can compensate for my fumbling interpersonal skills, thus saving us all a lot of embarrassment, lmfao.

L: What advice would you give to other writers?

I'm not sure I can say anything here that wouldn't be regurgitated Le Guin or just straight up hypocritical 😂 I don't think I'm in a position to be imparting any words of wisdom in a general sense.

But for writing in a fandom context specifically — this. AO3 has done a lot to protect freedom of expression for fans, but also visibly quantified success and/or popularity, then made it sortable. Hits/kudos/comments are far from an objective assessment on the quality of your work but it's still easy to lean into that external validation and get the value of it all tied up in that shit, and that's a miserable place to find yourself. I 100% recommend getting rid of those numbers.

O: What motivates you to write?

I have an idea in my head and I cannot rest until it is not in my head any more, and about 50% of the time, have inflicted it on everyone else like a cursed videotape. Sometimes it's a(n often stupid) joke or dialogue exchange that I pack a fic around, other times it's a scene that expands itself naturally because I want to hang out with the characters for longer, or it's a trope that interacts with the specifics of a canon/character in a way I find interesting. The rest of the time it's just habit; I write excruciatingly slowly, but even 200 words a day still results in a fic a month on average (recent months are an outlier adn should not be counted). I love exchanges in theory, but tend to stick to treats or game for art requests as a safety net because I don't trust myself to finish something on time. Like many writers, I put a not insignificant number of skill points into procrastination. Psst hey wanna see my spreadsheets?

I will cop to a degree of contrarianism as well, but I think it's fair because while I love a good old well-worn trope, I do genuinely prefer a few things that fall outside of wider fandom preferences as well. When I read something that makes me go "oh, this again?" and then write the opposite or a subversion, I'm doing it because that's what is more interesting to me, and it's what I want to read.

X: (strange beauty)

I WILL GET BACK TO YOU ON THIS ONE 🤣

[space-malex]

There's lots of back and forth on who Victor should be with, but all s1 and s2 showed me is that Victor isn't cut out to be anyone's partner at this point in his life. He did Mia dirty and couldn't even properly apologize for it in s2 and the Victor who actually prioritized Benji's happiness and tried to take all responsibility for their kiss with Derek so they can keep dating disappeared in s2. He couldn't even articulate that breaking Benji's trust was wrong with spilling his secret to Rahim, let alone understand him at any point during the season. I don't know if it's supposed to be an international character flaw to be worked on or if the writers think having everything from Victor's POV is a good excuse, but it bothers me a lot. I really thought Malex was the height of showrunner bias and uneven writing, but Venji is so much worse. Alex at least always had a POV and a well-defined personality I could easily empathize with. You can't pile a ton of trauma on a character and never explore it, especially if it's supposed to be half of your main ship. I don't know how reflective a Twitter poll is of the audience split (the one they did on Instagram was much more overwhelmingly in favour of Venji, but they also don't show how many people voted), but it's not surprising that a dynamic that was basically written to be pretty much perfect so far and a fun alternative for the main ship's drama is appealing to so many people. They could have easily sold Venji better this season as a couple. They can lay a better foundation for future romantic them if they spend real time together platonically in s3 and stop putting each other on pedestals. They can also ruin what's appealing about Vahim with drama in s3. It's anyone's guess how s3 is going to play out. All I know is if Venji is still the endgame, I don't want a redo of s1 with Victor trying to work harder at a relationship he ultimately doesn't want to be in than he ever tried to make it work with the guy he's supposedly in love with. That's a recipe for disaster. A lot of shows are guilty of never showing us an endgame ship actually working on screen before putting them back together at the end of the show. I really want better here.

A lot to unpack

Victor did apologize to Mia, said he loves her and never meant to hurt her. It’s a bit complicated because Victor never went into the relationship with bad intentions and it took him the majority of the season to come to terms with his sexuality. Yes, he should’ve ended it right away when he figured it out, and he shouldn’t have kissed Benji when he was still with her. But still, there is a fine line here because there’s only so much of an apology Victor can give without it feeling like he’s apologizing for who he is, for being gay, and that’s not something he needs to feel sorry for. I think we should also keep in mind that Mia had her little thing with Andrew at the same time and never told Victor about it. She didn’t cheat or anything (or when he kissed her she stopped it) but she had obvious feelings for Andrew that she hadn’t dealt with. Luckily they finally got resolved in s2 but they were definitely there when she was still with Victor.

Now, what is it with this Victor slander in my house? He and Benji were pretty much constantly arguing or making up, but I’ve rarely seen people apologize to someone else as many times as Victor did to Benji about things that weren’t even his fault. He spent all season apologizing for his mother, even though he has no control over what she thinks or does, but also assured Benji that she is trying and that she is getting better. And he would know that better than Benji because he knows his mother and Benji does not. Or apologizing for not being ready to come out to everyone. And then turned around and did it anyway, which was what he wanted to do, but it also felt a lot about Benji and something he was doing for him as well. Which, fine, it’s Victor’s decision and he didn’t regret doing it. But then when there were consequences that hurt him by his team being homophobic, Benji first shrugs them off and then encourages Victor to quit the team so that he’s not around homophobic people. Which okay, first of all homophobes exist everywhere but I digress. Victor was miserable after he quit the basketball team. It’s not actually what he wanted to do, and he loves basketball, and Benji had no respect for that either. He acted like basketball with some kind of leftover heteroness that needed to be expelled from Victor. And he talked shit about it with his friends right in front of Victor. In fact, every time Victor tried to express himself, he would be essentially shut down by Benji and end up apologizing. Until episode 6 with the birthday and episode 8 after Isabel caught them together.

So look, I don’t think Benji had to tell Victor anything about his alcoholism because it’s his personal business and it’s really difficult to talk about something like that and it was definitely up to him when he wanted to open up. But then he turned around and was basically pissed at Victor for knowing even though Victor found out by accident. And then he refused to talk about it. And then when Victor expressed his hurt that Benji didn’t want to talk to him, Benji responded by completely attacking Victor and straight up saying it was exhausting work being with him bc he’s got a religious homophobic mom and is newly gay. Like….what?? 

Benji judged Victor for 1) being a jock 2) his mother and 3) being a baby gay. Victor never once judged Benji for his alcohol problems, he was just hurt Benji didn’t share with him. He didn’t judge Benji for anything else for that matter. He definitely shouldn’t have told Rahim about Benji, even though I do understand he needed someone to open up to and he trusts Rahim, it was a violation of Benji’s trust and not okay. But that’s like…the only bad thing Victor has done all season.

As for the pov thing- it wouldn’t be such a big deal if they actually developed Benji as a character, which they have not. We get no moments of him where he’s not with Victor (except the one conversation with Isabel, which was about Victor). If you’re going to have a character not share about their life to the protagonist, you need to find another way to share it with the audience. It leads to a disconnect and lack of emotional investment in Benji for many people. The fact that I feel I know Rahim better after 5 episodes than I do Benji after 20 is saying something. But the writing has given Rahim development that it hasn’t given Benji. It’s not surprising a lot of people in the audience are feeling more connected to Rahim as a result. Polls are never the most reliable thing since it depends on who sees them and how many people (twitters was about 20k respondents iirc but no idea about ig). I see a lot of vahim shipping on twitter and ig, tumblr not so much. But I will say I’ve seen people coming around on vahim who are watching the season now, as opposed to the smaller number who immediately watched the moment it came out, went in shipping Victor and Benji and had a knee jerk reaction about the possibility of another romance for Victor.

This is not comparable to malex in any way so I have no clue why you’re bringing them up.

And personally, I was never invested in Victor and Benji’s relationship. Even in s1 I was like 🤷🏻‍♀️ And now, with or without vahim, I think Victor and Benji should break up. They’re just not a great couple and I feel like the show would do well to make it okay for your first relationship to not necessarily be right for you. Especially for a gay couple because that like…NEVER happens on tv. It doesn’t take anything away from what v*nji mean to each other. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible. I didn’t start shipping vahim bc of anything with v*nji directly, I just loved their dynamic. I love seeing Victor light up. I love seeing him comfortable instead of constantly feeling insecure and apologetic. To me, vahim connect in a way v*nji do not.

Victor did not develop feelings for Rahim just because he was having issues with Benji. Just like Benji did not develop feelings for Victor just because he was having issues with Derek. Implying that does a disservice to both relationships and kinda takes agency away from a character and their feelings. But I want him and Benji to end things for real before anything happens with Rahim. Which might mean trying to make it work for a while longer. 

We will see!!

[brkfstgrrrls]

@2187s LEFT A NIGHTMARE AFTER THE TONE: 🥝🥝🥝🥝🥝 !!!

@rapturcd - Where to start to describe a friend? Nox is a close online friend whom I’ve had the pleasure of following for the last few years now. We’ve been able to keep up with each other from blog to blog, and continued to do so when she revived this blog right here, a Bioshock oc. I’ll admit that when I saw her move here, I had no clue what the hell Bioshock was other than some video game. I’ve been graced with so many exciting details, passion has been poured into every message and post she makes upon the dash, it instantly made me a fan of this little franchise. Though the Bioshock rpc is small, Nox has found a way to make it her own. Her blog is filled with so much helpful information, and one look at her extremely well thought out, and detailed OC page will tell you all you need to know about this vast universe. With every OC she makes, it’s done with love and care, but something about Nicholas is truly special. Aside from being from one of the most interesting and unique fandoms, Nicholas was crafted with more detail than the gods could give any living being. Nox is also a plot driven writer, I know I am too so if that’s your thing, you’ll be glad to know not only is she a peach but she’s very fun to bounce ideas with! She helped me learn so much about Bioshock, it made plotting feel effortless and an overall thrill. If you don’t follow her, not only are you missing out, but I’ll personally be offended on her behalf.

@segadore - It’s been a few years now, and I have not been able to get Fawn off of my tail, damn you— I’M KIDDING, no but really, Fawn and I have been buddies for the last few years, and I started following her on her Steve Harrington blog. I’ve already gushed in the past about how much I love her Steve, so in the same way she’s so kindly embraced my OCs, I’d like to do the same with hers. Let’s start off with this: Fawn is the one person I see constantly and without a second thought embracing all writers, you could write an oc, canon muse from a different fandom, female oc, doesn’t matter– she will love them like her own. You speak with Fawn ooc, and you’ll feel at home, you’re never a bore nor bother. They’re one of the few people in this RPC I feel so genuinely safe around, and they make me feel like a valued writer even when I’m being ignored by others on the dash, I feel important, and it’s thanks to them. Fawn writes a very amazing muse named Mykah, from what can only be described as a non-existent fandom. I learned about Dead Like Me through her, and I’ve since been completely hooked on this concept and universe. Mykah is a very special, and well-thought out muse. He’s a soul collecting reaper from California, and he’s got so much wit, charm, and attitude, how could you not love the guy? He’s got a tough exterior, but he’s so funny as well, you can tell when you’re reading something Fawn wrote, they have such a unique tone, your eyes will be glued to the screen instantly as soon as you see a reply in your inbox. From the bottom of my heart, I hope we continue to write for years to come. If you want some fresh content you’ve never seen before, and perhaps one of the kindest friends, with the most goddamn creative mindset, please, go look at Fawn’s content. For the love of GOD go look.

@wyntered​ - You know how when your favorite musician or celebrity makes a post on Instagram or twitter, you go “Ah! There’s _____ again, classic ol’ _____, love them.” and you get all giddy in your seat, overwhelmed just by their presence even if it isn’t for you? That’s how I feel everytime I read each and everyone of Chantelle’s posts. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t get to read all of my rp partners replies to other folks, sometimes I’m too busy, or honestly? I don’t feel like it. But the amount of effort and research they’ve put into this, how could I not? I love reading both her replies to myself and other people, I love reading her meta posts and headcanons, because I know it’ll not only be helpful but just wonderful. It’s also so nice to see how much care she’s put into writing such a complicated man like Bucky Barnes, her portrayal is uniquely her own, and she’s truly made sure to set a realistic example for others. I’ve learned so much, and it’s thanks to her. They’ve also been so gracious in writing with my own Marvel OC, Alice, and never act annoyed or bothered. That’s not something you often find with people who write popular canon muses, but it’s something I’ve been lucky enough to find with Chantelle. Do yourself a favor, buckle up, and get excited. Go and give her a follow, because I just know in my heart she’ll be more than happy to embrace you with open arms. Thanks for giving me the most iconic and kickass friendship for my daughter! It’s probably obvious to y’all by now that I love Chantelle’s work, so you know this message is genuine.

@capnsolo - I found out a few weeks ago that Kayla and I have been mutuals for years, and neither of us knew it. We’ll ignore that for now. I know Kayla as the most fantabulous Han Solo mun on the block, no really, she’s amazing. We found each other again because I writer princess Leia ( over on @/hopescorned ) and well… SCOUNDRESS! Together, we’ve managed to create our own little version of canon to their storyline, and we continue to develop it each time we speak. I’m not very good at articulating my thoughts, but my point is, Kayla is a very skilled, and creative woman. She’s smart, she knows how to use canon as a crutch, but doesn’t rely on it. She let’s her brain do the talking, and she knows how to collaborate well with others, and happens to be very open minded and flexible to other people’s muses. No matter how outlandish the idea might be for a story, Kayla will find a way to work with it. I’ve never seen someone capture Han’s tone so well, each time I read one of her replies, I can truly see and hear Harrison Ford acting each of the stories we create, out in my head. She has a way with her words, and she’s a true talent. Please, even if Star Wars isn’t your think, at least give her work a chance, it’ll be a pleasant surprise.

@nostlgic - Ash & I have been writing together since February, and the day we started speaking, they were one of the kindest souls I’ve been graced with speaking to. A passionate writer, you’ll be pleasured to see that their muse list is rather long, and diverse. Ash is the kind of writer that is always up for the challenge. You have an OC no one is interested? Cool, Ash is now interested in writing with them. You have a crazy rp idea you want to pursue? Ash is the first in line to give it a try. Whenever I write with Ash, I know it’s going to be a new and exciting adventure, each story is different from the next, and with each muse, they shift tones effortlessly; Stephen King would envy them. I made a post probably a month or two ago about how I wanted to write with an Edward Scissorhands, and within approximately 10 seconds, they volunteered to add him to her muse roster, and a mutual friend of ours even went to comment “I was going to tag Ash but it seems she’s already here” and why is that? That’s just the kind of person Ash is, and I truly love it. Go and peep her profile, because I can guarantee there’s at least one muse you’ll want to write with.

            ･ﾟﾟ･*:༅｡♡  SEND A 🥝 FOR A BLOG RECCOMENDATION

[subtlereferencetomyinterests]

Something to Uplift Us

Ao3,  MasterPost

Relationships:  Romantic DLAMPR (Roman-centric, kinda Remus-centric), platonic Creativitwins!!!

Do I like this??? Meh. Is it something that I wrote? Yes. I will heal myself from SVS-R with Fluff.

Warnings: Remus Typical Nonsense, swearing, mentions of being in Quarantine, all sympathetic sides, non-sexual Pole Dancing

Word Count: 2,667 

Roman was the essence of romance and it showed. For his entire existence, he'd been well acquainted with the hypothetical. If he were his own person, if he had a prince of his own, if he had the chance at a romantic relationship, he knew what he would do. Roman knew relationships, he always had, and it had tortured him to know that he'd never have one.

Which was why it frustrated him to no end that he hadn’t been the one to ask out his fellow sides. He’d honestly never thought that it would be an option. When he first developed his feelings for the others- Virgil, Patton, Logan, Janus, in that order- he had felt nothing more than excitement. He was giddy, he was light-headed, just to know that he could feel that way. He would spend hours daydreaming, just musing over the way they made his heart stop, but he never hoped for anything to come of it. He wasn’t sad, or mournful, or pining per se- just so caught up in the joy of feelings that he forgot that he could do something with them. 

So he thought about it a lot, suffice to say. And all he had now was time to think; it was nearly month three of quarantine. Roman had wrung his brain out like a sponge for anything new to think about- The Imagination was practically turning gray! He tried to tend to it, truly he did, but it was getting harder every day. Creativity's fellow sides had all busied themselves taking up new hobbies- Virgil was teaching Patton to draw, Janus had learnt embroidery, Logan took up knitting, Remus made trash sculptures… They all seemed to be having their own little renaissance (complete with plague), and what was Roman doing? Wasting valuable free time!

  In a fit of desperation, the artistic trait dived under his large canopy bed, rummaging around until his hand caught on the lip of a cardboard box. With no small amount of effort, he pulled the enormous container out from under his bed so that it could be properly examined. There, piled high in the box, were dozens of notebooks and sketchbooks- all of which filled to the brim with writing, drawings, and poetry. Having no clue what he was specifically looking for, Roman upended the box and watched the contents crash to the floor. Something in here would surely spark his mind! Perhaps some old work would catch his eye and inspire some redraws!

The side hadn't needed to search for long. Right at the top of the pile- bright pink, its cover dotted with puffy heart stickers- sat a large, spiral-bound sketchbook. You could almost see the light bulb pop up over Roman’s head as he squealed and snatched up the sketchbook. Flopping down onto his bed, he flipped it open in one hand and placed the other against his chest. 

“Ooh, some of my best,” he cooed to no one in particular, gaze turned to the dozens of love poems surrounded by little doodles of hearts that filled the pages. This was the journal he’d confided in before the sides had all officially begun their relationship, filled with flowery prose about anything from Janus’ scales to Patton’s smile; from Logan’s laugh to Virgil’s freckles (a rare sight, usually hidden by make-up). Roman was so lost in nostalgia that when the ideas hit him, he nearly fell out of bed in excitement at his own thoughts.

Of course! He could take all of these old writings and compose them together, into one eloquent amalgam that would illustrate perfectly all those things that he’d been unable to articulate in the beginning! And it seemed only fitting that such a soliloquy be delivered in The Imagination- in the most gorgeous scenario he could fabricate! Somewhere open to a starry sky, for his left-brained loves- but it had to have ornate architecture, of course, and it had to be cozy. Oh, it was all coming together now.

Roman leapt out of bed, posing with his hand above his head and sinking deeper into The Mindscape extravagantly. He didn’t waste time looking around at the depressing half-formed scenery, sweeping his arms up and erasing the entirety of his half of The Imagination. Time to get to work.

Remus was stretched across the Commons couch, his head in Janus’ lap and feet in Logan’s. The TV hummed with whatever show they’d thrown on as background noise, and a few feet away at the counter, Patton and Virgil were hovering over some sort of scrapbook.  Nobody had the energy for conversation; nobody had the energy for anything. 

It was magnificently boring. The Duke already filled up an entire sketchbook, written half a dozen shamelessly smutty self-insert fanfictions, constructed and subsequently destroyed eldritch beings in his room, and bothered his boyfriends. So, all that was left to do was doze.

It didn’t help Remus’ tired state that Janus was running his fingers through his hair. The monotonous waking world was finally slipping away. Maybe there was something buried in his dreams that could hold his attention.

But just before sleep took hold, a white-hot energy ran through the trait’s body, jolting him so suddenly that he tumbled off of the couch and onto the floor. His arms and legs were all pins-and-needles as he looked up at his very concerned partners.

“There’s fuckery afoot!” Remus announced, wide-eyed. He pulled himself up and grinned, “You guys stay here!” 

Without so much as a good-bye, Remus threw himself into the ground, saving himself the time of sinking out properly. After a moment’s silence, Janus resumed working on his embroidery. 

“Should we go see what that was about?” Patton asked tentatively. 

“Meh,” the three other sides responded in unison. After a moment, Janus added, “It is Remus, after all.”

Roman’s structure was coming together beautifully! Wide marble columns rose up and held aloft the glimmering silver ceiling, the middle of which was a sky-light open to thousands of stars and a brilliant full moon. Surrounding the opening was a spiral of stone roof- through the gaps of which even more astronomically accurate stars shone!

The inside of the building consisted of an immense mahogany stage, currently cloaked by thick velvet curtains and overlooking plenty of seats. Rather than traditional theater rows, Roman had arranged the seating like lovely cafe tables, all of which were given generous space from each other (Except for two at the very front, of course). Lanterns hung from the walls, casting the space in warm lighting. Creativity currently stood at the very back, thinking that it could use just a little more of something. With a smirk, the side snapped his fingers and the wall of the room was pushed backwards several yards. With a few more flicks of the wrist and dividing columns, a little lobby was formed. 

He’d given the theater room maroon carpeting and rich gray walls, but the new back section needed brighter lighting and a more cream-canary color scheme. Now he could just finish the decor!

Or he would have, if not for the fact that at that moment someone crashed into his ribs with all the grace of a flaming motorbike. 

“BRO!!!”

“ACK-!” was all Roman managed, as all the wind was knocked out of him. He glared up at his brother, who was sitting on his chest. 

“I knew you were up to something! You wiped half of the whole fucking Imagination! What is this!?” 

Roman wheezed, pushed Remus off of his chest, and finally pulled himself off the ground to catch his breath. His brother was spinning around the room already, eyes sparkling as he took in the building.

“I had to blank it, I needed my full focus,” Roman explained, back to work and filling the back wall with tall bookshelves, “and it’s a surprise, so don’t tell the others.”

“Oh, I won’t. Provided you let me in on whatever this is,” Remus had an ear-to-ear grin, bouncing on the balls of his feet. After a moment’s consideration, Roman hummed.

“I’m doing something nice for our boyfriends. I think we all could use a little pick-me-up, so do not ruin this!”

“I wanna do something nice for them! Lemme help!” 

“You don’t even know what it’s for! Plus, it’s personal!”

“I already asked what it was for, Stupid.”

Roman huffed.

“I wrote them something. Hence the stage.”

“So, what, you’re gonna bring them all into your fancy library-opera for your poetry orgy and I sit in a corner somewhere and be quiet?”

“Ideally.”

“Not a chance, Whore!” Remus swung himself up onto the concession stand that Roman had just created, tearing into a box of candy (food made in The Imagination always tasted weirder than food or ingredients they conjured elsewhere in the Mindscape, but he didn’t particularly mind). 

“Fine. What do you want to do?” Roman challenged, hands on his hips.

“I. Want. To. Help.”

Roman raised his eyebrows doubtfully. Grumbling, his twin started gesturing around the room as he spoke.

“The stars are too bright, they take the focus away from the stage instead of accenting it. The color of the curtains are too similar to the carpet. You’ve got Corinthian shit in there and bookstore lobby vibes in here, which is garbage and inconsistent.”

Roman blinked, his eyes following along with Remus’ criticism. 

“Hm. You have a point.”

“I’m Creativity too, you know. I have some taste.” The Duke said, gnawing on the cardboard box that had contained Imagination Candy moments before. 

“You’re wearing crocs and jorts, simultaneously.”

Remus waved his hand dismissively, hopping off the counter and rushing across the room.

“Whatever. Come on, I’ve got an idea how I can accompany your performance, too.”

“Oh, goody.”

Hours had past and little had changed in the Mindscape living room- Virgil and Patton had finished up their scrapbooking and were curled up together in an armchair, so Logan was sitting at the counter space previously occupied by the two and clacking away on his laptop, and Janus hadn’t moved. The muddled energy of the room had remained pervasive.

That was, until the door to the imagination slammed open, the doorknob cracking against the wall. Four heads shot up to see Remus and Roman, standing side-by-side (quite looking the part of identical twins, matching smiles and all). 

“Oh god,” Janus groaned instinctively, carefully setting his embroidery on a side table, “What did you two do?”

“Yeah, I don’t trust that look,” Virgil said.

The twins scoffed in mock-offense, continuing their odd coordination.

“We try to do something nice,” exclaimed Remus.

“And not so much as a ‘thank you,’” added Roman solemnly. Eyes were rolled, but Patton perked up considerably (just as planned). 

“Ooo, what are you talking about?” 

“It’s a surprise!” Said The Duke, bouncing up and down. Creativity Prime gave a sweeping motion to indicate the still-open door to the Imagination, which had been steadily seeping into the common room with a bright new energy that it had been lacking for days. 

“Follow us,” he instructed, disappearing through the door once more with Remus at his back. Patton bounced after them immediately, grinning. 

The three left-brained sides exchanged glances, shrugged, and followed suit. 

The twins were backstage in an instant, trusting their partners to figure out where their seats were on their own. Roman began pacing around as soon as they finished warming up. 

“Are you sure you can do this? I’m still not sure if your performance is well-suited to acoustic guitar-”

He was cut off by Remus groaning exaggeratedly.

“I can work with anything, bitch.” 

“Right, right,” There was a beat. “You’re sure you’re ready?”

“I’ve been ready. What’s going on with you?”

Rather than responding, Roman did another lap around the stage. 

“C’mon! Stop pacing before I take a bonesaw to your legs!”

“Okay! Alright! I’m ready!”

Before Remus could come up with any more gruesome threats, Roman snapped his fingers and the curtains began to rise. He took his place half-sitting on a stool up front, a guitar in his arms. Behind him, Remus stood between two sturdy metal poles that rose from the stage and into the ceiling. You can already see where this is going.

When the stage was fully revealed, the lights above the audience dimmed. Figuring that the show would be rather awkward if said audience consisted of four people, the Creativities had The Imagination render dozens of prop-people. They moved and acted like a crowd of humans, but each individual was too vague to focus on for long. Thus it was made very clear where their fellow sides were, sitting right up front with a wide array of expressions from amazed to amused to bewildered.

Roman took a moment to steel himself and then began playing. Originally, he’d planned on spoken-word for his loves, but traditionally there is music involved in pole-dancing, so he’d made a few adjustments in order for Remus to be able to contribute. 

Roman started singing, melting as the gazes of the real audience members turned awestruck (and also very flushed, likely from whatever surprisingly impressive poses his brother was pulling behind him). He liked to think that he poured his heart out into every performance, but for this one it felt quite literal. 

Roman’s voice picked up gradually, and he could vaguely hear metal clanging behind him. It went on like that for a good few minutes- because if there was one thing the Twins weren’t, it was brief- before the show finally concluded. Roman stalled for a moment as both the imaginary and real components of the audience applauded uproariously. Remus swung down from the pole and hopped over to him.

“We bow now, Dumbass,” he hissed, noticeably out of breath.

“Oh- right.”

They took hands and took a couple bows as the clapping died down, standing back up with wide grins and red faces. 

As soon as the auditorium was relatively silent, Patton rushed the stage. He outstretched his arms and hopped up and down excitedly.

“Lemme up!” 

Roman grabbed his hands and pulled him on stage while Remus was still attempting to catch his breath. Morality leaned down to give The Prince a brief kiss, and then bounced over to the much more exhausted half of the act to give him the same treatment. He was grinning so wide that it looked painful, his face a bright pink. The Duke wore a matching expression, but the smile was much more unnatural in that preferred way of his.

“So you liked it?”

Rather than verbally responding, Patton grabbed the hands of both Creativities and made a cheerful ribbiting sound.

“It was wonderful,” Logan supplied, climbing the stairs on the side of the stage to meet them, Virgil and Janus right behind him. He was much less outwardly enthusiastic as the other spectacled side, but no less appreciative.

“Yeah, did you guys put all this together today?” Virgil asked, throwing an arm around Roman’s shoulders. 

“What else did we have to do?” Remus answered with a shrug. 

“Good point.”

Janus cleared his throat lightly, immediately drawing everyone’s attention. His eyes were noticeably rimmed with redness, a small smile on his face as he outstretched all of his arms.

“Here, all of you, now.”

Patton cooed.

“Group hug!” 

Fitting six people into one hug may seem awkward, but it always seemed to work out for the sides. At least, Roman thought so. Virgil would fake exasperation at the affection, but they could all tell he loved it. Logan would try to maintain his dignity and fail miserably. Patton was a ball of warmth and energy that seeped into the rest of them. Janus was by far the best at giving hugs, though it could be considered cheating to have extra limbs.

At that moment it hit Roman that, perhaps he hadn’t started this relationship, but he was still a part of it. And that was all he could ever want.

These    Performances    inspired Remus’. They are oddly calming to watch, and super impressive!

@shrimp-crockpot

[dreaming-about-fanfictions]

Laughing and Knitting - Jim Kirk (AOS) x Plussize!Reader

Summary: You have the biggest crush on Jim but he doesn’t seem to feel the same. After years of having no contact, you see him again.

Request by: @morganofthecoves1 “Hello! Would it be possible for you to do a Kirk (aos) X plus size reader??? If so could you do like a super fluffy image/one shot where Jim and the reader went to the academy together and sat next to each other in one of their classes. They became fast friends, Jim acting like a dork around the reader, always hugging her and telling jokes to make her laugh. Maybe they don't see each other for a long time and then the reader starts to work on the Enterprise. Anything really. Thanks” --> I hope you like it! Enjoy <3

A/N: I forgot how much I love writing Star Trek imagines! This was so much fun!

Words: 2853 Pairing: Jim Kirk (AOS) x plussize!Reader Warnings: fluff fluff fluff and some insecurities

„James Tiberius Kirk, late as always.”

You looked up from your notes when the seminar got so suddenly interrupted. Your professor leaned against his table, arms crossed, a disappointed – yet not surprised – look in his eyes as he stared at Kirk who had just tried to sneak into the room.

Your classmates gave each other amused looks, some chuckled. This happened at least twice a week.

The blonde cadet let go of the door handle and slipped into the room. “Would you believe me if I told you –“

“No,” the professor interrupted him. “No, I would not. Now sit down. There are some people left in this class who take their education seriously. Even though you are sadly not one of them.”

“I’m very serious about my education, Professor,” Kirk replied with his usual smile on his lips and walked towards one of his friends who was sitting in the first row and looked just as disappointed at him than the professor did. Was it Coy? McCoy? You were sure that you had spoken to the man before but couldn’t quite remember his name. “Otherwise I wouldn’t have skipped my morning shower and my breakfast to get to your class, right?”

Some people laughed, you rolled your eyes. It was almost a miracle that Kirk was still allowed to attend Starfleet Academy.

“In that case you can stay right there,” the professor simply replied. “No shower equals no place in the first row,”

Right there meant your row, you realized when Jim turned towards you – and even worse, it meant next to you. Oh god.

James or how his friends called him, Jim, Kirk started attending Starfleet Academy the same year you did. You had noticed him already on the first evening when he boasted to everyone who would listen that he would be Captain of a Starship in only three years. Granted, this happened after five beers in a student bar in downtown San Francisco. Nevertheless, the arrogance of this guy made you hate him. There were other people, people like you, who had studied hard to get into this program and someone like him just showed up and got accepted? It made you furious. 

Those feelings didn’t last very long however. In fact, the anger turned into a full-size crush pretty soon. After a few weeks you got to see his other side – his funny, charming, always-a-smile-on-his-lips side. He still annoyed the shit out of you, don’t be mistaken, yet you couldn’t help but laugh when he cracked another one of his jokes in class.

Kirk was fully aware of his effect on women. At least, it always seemed that way. So his reputation was quickly established. He flirted shamelessly, changing his girlfriends faster than his underwear. It was one reason why you never acted on your feelings and preferred to watch him from afar, being content with your daydreams staying daydreams. The other reason was your fear of rejection. Kirk would never go for a woman like you. Not because of your looks – your rolls and curves weren’t making you less attractive. Quite the opposite actually, you knew how to flaunt them. Feeling comfortable in your body was something you had worked hard for and one man’s opinion wasn’t going to destroy that. No, the women he dated or even just hooked up with were … fierce. They were exciting and knew what they wanted. You couldn’t keep up with that and were convinced that men like Jim Kirk didn’t notice you. You simply flew under their radar.

“May I sit here?”

You flinched and nearly dropped your pen at the sound of his voice. “Yeah, sure.”

Kirk didn’t move. After two seconds passed you looked up at him, a confused look on your face. He furrowed his brows when you didn’t react and the confusion grew. Then he finally bent down, grabbing your jacket that was still on the chair next to you and handed it to you.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Your face grew hot and you quickly tucked the jacked away in your backpack.

“Don’t worry,” he sounded friendly and you were sure he was smiling again. However, you were still embarrassed and kept your gaze focused on the presentation the professor presented to the class. “I’m Jim,” he continued.

“I know,” you mumbled and instantly regretted it. Why was your brain not able to come up with proper responses?!

Jim chuckled. “Of course you do. My name just got announced to everyone.”

Sure, that was the reason.

You cleared your throat and finally turned your head. Leaning against the back of the chair, legs spread out, he seemed more than comfortable. He looked directly at you as if he was waiting for you to say something. “I’m Y/N,” you finally introduced yourself.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N,” Jim held out his hand with a big grin.

You let out a nervous breath of air, concealing it with a soft chuckle, before you shook it. “Nice to meet you, Jim.”

 ***

 Two days later …

It was raining like someone was emptying buckets outside. You sprinted the whole way from your dorm to your classroom and practically fell into your chair, completely out of breath and soaking wet.

“Rough morning?”

To your surprise, Jim was already sitting next to you. You looked at your watch. Were you late? No. “You’re early,” you stated.

He shrugged. “I’m always one for surprises.”

“Did you miss your shower again?” You asked when you got out of your jacket. 

“What?”

“No shower equals no place in the first row,” you quoted your professors and used the sleeve of your pullover to wipe away the raindrops from your face.

“Oh!” Jim exclaimed and laughed. “No, no. I just like the view I have from here.” He winked at you.

You blushed and quickly bent down to rummage through your backpack so he wouldn’t notice it. The last time he sat next to you, the two of you hardly spoke. You were too nervous and didn’t know what to say. He occasionally commented on the lecture and caused you to laugh at the most impossible times but nothing more happened. You thought that was it. Your one chance to talk to him, to act on your crush and you were too shy to do so.

Apparently that was not it.

“Your scarf is great.”

“What?” You looked up at him, thinking you misheard.

Jim pointed at your neck. “Your scarf. Did you make it?”

“Oh,” you felt your cheeks growing hot again not sure if he was joking or not. You had knitted the scarf last year when you visited your parents home and were quite proud of it. “Yes, actually. I sometimes … make things.” You made things? Damn, your ability to articulate yourself was on point today. 

“It looks great, seriously.”

“Thanks,” you smiled softly. 

Then the door opened and your professor strutted in, a cup of coffee in his hands. “Good morning everyone!”

 ***

 Two weeks later …

“What’s that?” Jim asked when he sat down, curiously eyeing the package on his table.

You shrugged, playing dumb. “Who knows. Open it and see for yourself.”

You barely finished your sentence when he ripped it open. “No way!” He exclaimed so loudly that two students in front of you flinched. “That’s so cool!”

You smiled widely as you watched him pull out the scarf. It looked similar to yours, except for the darker color.

“You made that?” He asked you and put it on immediately.

You nodded, feeling flattered.

“Thank you!” It sounded so sincere and he looked so happy, you were taken a little aback by it. All of a sudden, he leaned in and pulled you into a tight hug. “No one ever made anything for me.”

 ***

 From this point on, the friendship between the two of you developed quickly. Soon you sat together in almost every class. You met up for lunch and study sessions. He crashed on the floor in your dorm more than once when was locked out of his room again and even had dinner with your parents when they came to visit you once.

Of course, nothing more happened. As you had suspected – men like Jim Kirk didn’t go for women like you. He never made a move, never gave you any clue that he was interested in you. So you didn’t say anything either. You stayed quiet, enjoying his company and his stories that never failed to make you laugh. The feelings didn’t go away, no. If anything, they grew stronger with every day you saw him and he pulled you into a tight hug. Jim was extremely touchy – hugs, grabbing your arms, touching your hair, it was all a normal part of being his friend. You didn’t mind though. Quite the contrary.

Your friends declared you crazy after a few months. “How do you put up with this?” or “Do you enjoy suffering?” or “Doesn’t it make you feel miserable?” were common questions. You didn’t have answers to any of them. Being around Jim never made you feel miserable. Of course, you sometimes wished you were brave enough to ask him out, to make a move. You dreamed about him realizing that you were more than just a friend to him and confessing his love to you.

It never happened though and you respected it. So you kept quiet and enjoyed the friendship between the two of you. If this was all he could offer you then you gladly took it.

 ***

 Three years later …

It was your first day on the Enterprise. You walked into your room, tired, exhausted, happier than ever. You still couldn’t believe it. When you received the call and they told you that you’ve been accepted, you were convinced it was a prank call. It wasn’t. Starfleet wanted you to transfer to the Enterprise, the most prestigious ship in the entire fleet. It was by far your proudest moment in your career.

After you changed out of your uniform and into something more comfortable, you fell onto your bed, sinking into the soft pillows. As you let the day pass by in your mind once more, you smiled. The crew had been great, welcoming you with open arms. You already loved your job and were excited to officially start the next day.

Would he you see him tomorrow? The thought crossed your mind all of a sudden and you opened your eyes, staring at the ceiling. You knew he was the Captain of the ship. Everyone knew. After all, he was the first one to become Captain in only three years. Oh, how loudly you had laughed when you heard about it in the news. No one believed him on his first day and he did it anyways.

However, Jim and you had fallen out of contact shortly after that faithful day when the Romulans attacked Vulcan. He got promoted quickly afterwards and his life turned into this adventure you didn’t seem to have a place in it. It hurt. Even now, you flinched when you thought about it.

You sat up when you suddenly heard two short knocks on the door. “Come in,” you called out and got up from the bed.

When the door opened, your heart skipped a beat.

“I hope I’m not disturbing you.” There he was. Captain James T. Kirk in the flesh, wearing his golden Starfleet uniform, his hands crossed behind his back, his signature smirk on his lips.

“Jim!” You exclaimed before remembering who he was and quickly clearing your throat. “I mean … Captain.” He looked like the Jim Kirk you knew but at the same time he didn’t. Something about him had changed. He seemed more sure of himself, his composure, the way he spoke – he had matured. It was an almost scary sight.

Jim rolled his eyes. “Please, I’m still Jim to you.” Stepping towards you he continued: “I knew, I recognized that name when Spock told me about our new crew members. It’s so good to see you again, Y/N!” He opened his arms but then paused for a moment. “May I hug you?”

You stared at him. “Yes, yes, of course, Jim!” You finally replied and walked towards him.

He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into a tight hug. You breathed in his familiar scent and closed your eyes. It had been so long. Too long. “I missed you,” you mumbled into his shoulder.

“Same here,” he whispered.

You laughed. “Yeah, right.”

Jim pulled back at your reaction. “You don’t believe me?” He asked, his brows furrowed.

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. “You’ve been so busy I don’t think you had time to miss me that much. At least it seemed that way since you never called or anything.”

He lowered his gaze, a painful look on his face. “I’m sorry, Y/N,” his apology sounded sincere. It wasn’t good enough for you though. “I really am. I meant to call but …”

“Then why didn’t you?”, you interrupted Jim, trying not to sound too heartbroken about it which seemed almost impossible. “I tried to reach you but you never replied.”

“I know,” he sighed. “Honestly I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get some space.”

Ouch. That hurt even more. Space? Why did he need space? Had your friendship been more one-sided than you realized? “Space?” You asked. “What do you mean?”

Finally, he looked at you. He raised his eyebrows as if he didn’t believe what you just said. “Oh, come on, Y/N. As if you don’t know what I mean.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about?!” You shook your head, growing more and more annoyed by the second.

Jim scoffed before blurting out: “I had the biggest possible crush on you from the day I sat down next to you in class!”

The words felt like a punch in the gut. They left you breathless and your brain wasn’t able to understand the true meaning behind them for a few seconds. “What?! You … what?” You stammered.

“Yeah! I was so in love with you!”, Jim repeated himself and grabbed your hands, holding them tightly. “As if you didn’t notice. Leonard – Dr. McCoy – he still makes fun of my behavior back then. I was hopelessly in love with you.” He let out a short laugh when he thought back.

No words came from your mouth. You were speechless. Confused you looked back and forth between his face and your hand that was resting in his.

Jim watched you. And then – it dawned on him. “Wait, you really didn’t know?”

You just stared at him.

“Oh.” Something happened that you never thought possible: Jim Kirk blushed. “Well, this is embarrassing.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” You asked softly. All of this felt like a dream. Working on the Enterprise, Jim Kirk confessing his feelings for after so many years – you expected to wake up any second now.

Jim shrugged. “You didn’t seem interested. And I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.”

“You’re such an idiot.”

“What?”

A big grin suddenly appeared on your face and before you knew it, you started laughing. “Oh, Jim,” you managed to get out, grabbing your waist while giggling like a schoolgirl. “We’re both such idiots.”

Jim looked at you confusedly. Had you lost your mind completely now? Then he started to realize. Oh no. “Wait…”

You raised an eyebrow, still grinning like an idiot.

“Please, don’t tell me you felt the same,” Jim groaned.

You nodded and the both of you started laughing again.

“Unbelievable…”, Jim exclaimed after a few seconds. “Why didn’t you say anything?!”

It was your turn to shrug this time. “I don’t know. Same reason, I guess. I thought you weren’t interested and didn’t want to ruin what we had.”

Jim let out a long sigh. “I don’t believe it. How did we miss that?!”

“I have no idea,” you mumbled. “We wasted so much time.”

For a while no one said a word. It was just you and him, standing in the middle of your room, holding hands, looking at each other. It seemed too good to be true and you never wanted this moment to end.

“Do you still feel the same?” Jim finally asked, his voice barely a whisper.

“Do you?”

He didn’t reply, instead his gaze wandered down to your lips. “May I …?”

“Yes,” you whispered, a shudder running down your spine. “You may.”

Jim Kirk leaned forwards, gently cupping your cheek with his hand, as his lips locked with yours – and in that moment, everything you ever wanted became true. The kiss was soft and slow, loving and longing. You never wanted it to end.

When it did end, you sighed.

Jim smiled at you. “I still have the scarf, you know.”

You chuckled. “Oh, really? Well, I can make you a new one now. I’m much better at knitting now.

“No,” he shook his head. “I want to keep it. You made it for me.”

***

My Star Trek Masterlist

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[nicknellie]

That’s very relatable, I’m kind of in the same boat so I get what you mean lol. Also Good morning!

Box stuff:

1. I love that as well, and when Luke’s room is particularly bad. Emily will call Alex up (the Mercers had a household phone just because) and would hope that he was around to answer it so she could ask him to clean Luke’s room.

I love that Alex just casual knows where the cleaning supplies are. Maybe that’s something that Emily and Alex do together on a random Sunday or something, they just make food together and then clean up the house.

Oh yes, sometimes Reggie will join Alex in cleaning due to a particular bad fight. Maybe that’s how the boys know that Reggie’s parents had a bad fight because Reggie won’t tell them due to the fact that he doesn’t want to bother them. But due to him cleaning they just know (also the fact that he can’t lie to them). Exactly yes! Just as you said (I hadn’t finished reading the paragraph when I said my part lol)

Yes exactly as you put it, they just go up to his room just to think about when he was still alive and how him and the boys were safe there. Oh my goodness, yes they talk to him but just like with Bobby, they can’t get a sign so they don’t know that Luke has words he never said and that he regrets that he didn’t get a chance to say them.

Yes, and Emily will always regret that she didn’t put as much support into the band as she should’ve because now she can’t take back her yelling at him to do more work and or to quit the band because education is so much more important; that he will never be able to go far with the band. So I’m listening to music and right now the song is ‘Supermarket flowers by Ed Sheeran’ and if you change around some lyrics it could be something that is Emily to Luke. (Kind of how unsaid Emily is for Emily)

3. Exactly, it’s like I somehow reached the conclusion but I have no clue how to explain to you the processes but it’s edible so.

The boys are always in awe because Alex talks while he bakes so randomly he will say something like ‘fold the flour well what if I just don’t’ ‘how is this the recipe book it gives me no instructions I need like an in-depth explanation on what the heck this means’. And then the food tastes amazing, although they once thought that Alex was just not going to include the flour (also that he was going to give them salmonella by not cooking it)

Board games and jam

1. Alex is never running out of drumsticks is hilarious. Also just love the fact that this goes on for half an hour before he stops and then once Luke has been situated and isn’t expecting Alex to throw drumstick, he throws one more.

I love that, just Reggie being so competitive when it’s legitimately Alex sneezing because he needed to sneeze. Also the fact that Alex is ready to throw drumsticks at Reggie as well. Honestly at some point Alex has thrown drumsticks at everyone (even Caleb).

Among us

It definitely would, like Luke can’t do it for anyone else but the second Alex is imposter he’s just like I know who it is.

Basically this meme: (Luke is the one saying that he has connected the dots)

Yes, however once Willie did kill Alex just to throw people off of his tail. And yes, Julie will always kill Luke first and if someone else is the imposter they will try to do the same just so people think the Julie is the imposter.

I love the accessories addition, definitely needed

Luke and Julie- yes

Willie- that is a power move and I love it

Alex- yes

Reggie- I do agree however at the same time I raise the cowboy hat

Flynn- honestly the fact that Flynn paid money to get a little character is everything and totally something that she would do.

Also if Carlos is playing then he has the paper bag

Honestly the boys thought that monopoly couldn’t get more chaotic and then they played it with Willie and Flynn and they were like this is new level. Because Flynn is competitive and she is definitely the one who would double check the rules and call out any of them if they got something wrong.

I love that Alex will just give Willie money. ‘I have no clue what you guys are talking about. Willie just has money because you guys are bad’

Despite the fact I have played Monopoly I legitimately cannot tell you what cards Flynn has that make her better than everyone else but you are completely correct. (Get out of jail for free? possibly) Also just has really good luck at picking out chance cards (maybe one of the ones in the middle idk)

Honestly I was kind of thinking that Luke would jump the table when Alex said that he wasn’t giving Willie money and that they were just bad. But I love your addition so much.

I love the fact that Reggie wouldn’t speak to Luke for a week when Luke just can’t avoid talking to them for about 2 hours. (Also Luke does the same to Reggie that they would do to Alex and Jess is in the background of everywhere with puppy dog eyes because Reggie won’t give him attention)

Numbers

2. I love this so much. Alex looks hurt about the fact that Willie is laughing however at the same time he loves his laugh. So Alex is stuck between because upset that Willie is laughing at him and the fact that Willie is laughing.

I’m glad that it changes as the story goes on, honestly right now I’m just not the biggest fan of Arthur. (I will definitely keep you informed, I’m glad that you said this because I didn’t want to over impose) Currently haven’t watched another episode so I’m still on the first one for now.

Wait yes! That is total Alex energy, also just Alex being done with Luke all the time. Just can’t believe that this is the guy he has to protect.

6. I mean Alex didn’t function after the hair flip in the show so if Bobby had been there then maybe Alex would’ve been able to function better 😂. Also yes exactly, just slaps the back of Alex’s head just so Alex will have a normal conversation with Willie and not just them staring at each other.

I mean I know you have four requests but I’m in fully support if you do want to write that after 😂. Also love how they don’t explain anything just very straight to the point and say that he shouldn’t steal their music.

8. Honestly relatable, I can’t wait for your tangent when it’s not 1am.

10. Yes exactly. Reggie is a tiny bit upset but then he’s like ‘I’m not even the one who did the developing, Bobby is and seeing as which we are kind of mad at him that’s good’. Oh my goodness, just happy Reggie staring starstruck at pictures because of how defined they are.

Alex knows that’s what Reggie is doing but of course he’s going to humour him and make the food.

11. I can’t believe you just pulled out the fact that no adult believed Reggie as a kid and you compared it to Reggie meeting a lot of celebrities. Whoa, you’re completely correct but whoa that’s painful. Yes, he has met all of them (oo nice, which Billy Joel one?). Also Luke is hurt about the fact that Reggie met him but Luke wasn’t there. To add on, Reggie has met Prince, Elton John, and Michael Jackson.

17. No, You shouldn’t go back on that, Reggie definitely has Caleb‘s baby picture like legitimately he has everyone’s baby picture even Nick.

I love that addition like Caleb tried to steal their soul but Reggie just asked for him to give Reggie his baby pictures before they poof out to do stand tall. Then next time they see each other Caleb just hands them over.

Yes, that was exactly my thought process also your addition that Caleb is mean but he isn’t stupid, about the fact that Reggie is sweet is precisely that interaction. (I mean Caleb probably saw Reggie get upset over the fact that Han Solo died and was just like Reggie is a precious being must protect. I mean take his soul but protect.)

Nope she just handed them over, just as you said. Honestly Reggie could take over the world and no one would question it just because it’s Reggie. ‘probably priceless photos and they are in some ghost scrapbook’ is the greatest comment.

Exactly yes, honestly it doesn’t matter how the hot dog is involved in the picture but there has to be one baby photo of Willie that includes him in the presence of a hotdog.

19. Agreed, usually by the point that Willie and Alex’s alliance is over. Than Alex will start one with Luke, and they will just bombard Willie with snowballs. (Just because I want Julie and Willie to be friends maybe they start an alliance just to get back at Alex and Luke) (also for Reggie he has one with Carlos)

20. They are and we did get very luck with this cast. Because no matter who you look at, they all have such great chemistry with each other and work so well with each other. For example the band demonstrate such a wonderful friendship, as do Flynn and Julie. Just flawless performances all around.

Honestly I’ve seen those as well and it just makes me upset because the show legitimately shows and has Willie say that he had no idea that Caleb was going to give them the stamps. Like he wouldn’t say that, if it didn’t actually happen. Because, if he had done it in front of Alex then it possibly could be spun in the way that he was just trying to fake out Alex (lack of better word) but he did it alone with Caleb, demonstrating that he did not know what was going to happen.

Honestly same, I just want good Caleb who adopts Alex/takes Alex under his wing. Yes! I’ve also seen theories where Caleb is actually working for someone and it isn’t entirely him who is trying to take their souls (however I think that yours is much better and I actually feel like it’s a good way for the show to not have so many villains you know. Also in general your idea was well articulated and eloquently put)

Oh my goodness, Caleb only using his power for people who hurt Willie and Alex is everything. (Also adding Reggie to that mix because)

Understandable honestly Luke and Flynn would be such a power duo and anyone who made Julie upset would need to run for their life. (Also I am totally here for another tangent, I would love to see your thoughts). And yes them arguing over who loves Julie more and somehow this gets finished because Alex randomly appears and says that he and Reggie loves Julie the most.

21. So how Alex gets arrested, I was legitimately going to send to you in another ask but then forgot so here it is. Basically they are at pride and just a lot of bad things are said so Alex punches a cop and hence him being arrested.

Also I love that either Alex vandalizing some thing or arson is your first theory. Honestly I feel like it’s Luke and Reggie who would be the reason for arson and Alex and Bobby just getting dragged along. Also you’re completely right, going on with that, one day they did graffiti of the Sunset Curve logo. Also I love how after all of this the one thing he gets nervous about is a closed museum with no one there.

25. Honestly Alex and Carries friendship would be unbeatable. Also Carrie alongside Luke and Reggie would definitely give Willie a shovel talk, just have to say.

You’re absolutely correct, honestly I feel like they would have such a better friendship than a dating relationship. (honestly it would be hilarious if it was Carrie who found out that Nick was possessed)

26. Honestly anything Willie, I just need and another hair flip is top of the list. What if Willie knows that Alex is short-circuiting around him and purposely does these things just so he can see Alex flustered. Also swimmer Willie is needed. And Willie twirling Alex’s hair is everything and I want that for S2. (Also at some point Alex braiding Willie’s hair)

32. Honestly anyone giving them stickers is completely true. Also yes, The person who gave Reggie the stickers was the park ranger. Who helped him locate the rest of the band because Reggie had wandered off

35. That is sad, also yes. Just Ray calling them his angels would be everything, also just more Reggie and Ray general.

I’m glad, mostly because ghost taking pictures for other ghost to be seen. Kind of isn’t logical but I just want Reggie to be able to take pictures of Willie. (Also the rest of the band as well)

37. Oh my goodness, that is a rollercoaster to read. Also agreed, Reggie just had no clue how to work the washing machine. He just had lights and darks all together and to this day Luke and Alex are very concerned on how Reggie turn some thing that was black into a like horrible red colour. Also yes, everyone was freaking out about how Luke could possibly set something on fire and how this happened in the two minutes that someone wasn’t watching him.

39. Yea, Ray and Trevor being friends would be so cool. Also agreed, since Julie and Carrie were close then they were kind of close as well so once Julie and Carrie fell apart then they just stopped being friends as well.

Agreed, also seeing Reggie has the Queen‘s baby photos with no content is hilarious. (Also possibly could be how Julie reacts when she randomly see the pictures)

Good morning/afternoon/night for whatever time it is when you read this! :)))

Box stuff (which is somehow not about boxes anymore idk how we got here lmfao):

1. Yes I love that! Maybe when she and Luke argue he gets like. Really mad. So he storms off up to his room and if he’s in a really bad temper he does Classic Teenage Boy Angsty Stuff and knocks things over and messes up his room. So Emily calls Alex to A) sort Luke’s room out because there’s no way he’d let her in there to help right then and B) to calm him down

Omggg I love that so much, like mother-son-bonding time between Alex and Emily 🥺 I imagine it like you said, they make food and then clean, and they’re basically just talking the entire time as if they’re close friends or really mother and son - like Alex will tell Emily about school and any drama that’s going on at the time, or he’ll complain about someone being nasty to him, and Emily will tell him stories from when she was younger or “you’ll never believe what Helen from down the road has been up to!” And they’re super close and know pretty much everything about each other omg yes

Omg omg ok now you’ve said that - back to the AU where they could give Bobby a sign and then still join Julie, what if they had the choice of people to give a sign? Like they could have chosen Bobby, Luke’s parents, Alex’s parents, Reggie’s parents, or any other people they were close (or not close) to. But they could only choose one for whatever reason and they all had to pick the same one, so they’re between Bobby and Luke’s parents and they can’t make a decision because either way someone is going to miss out on hearing from the boys ever again and it breaks their hearts either way

Ok so I listened to the song and first of all ouch. I think I remembering hearing it like a few years ago but it hits different now. And I can totally see it being about that if the lyrics are switched around and it hurts. But also I couldn’t help thinking of how perfectly it fits Julie (won’t lie, I was/am literally sobbing while thinking about this) so that made me think that after Unsaid Emily happens Julie and actually goes back and she and Emily become really close (we might have already said this? Idk there’s been so many posts now 😂) and this song is playing on the radio one day and they listen and they share their grief with each other and it’s beautiful and emotional and then Julie learns the song and I’m gonna stop before I make myself cry again

3. Lmaoooo thats amazing I love it. Alex talking to himself while baking is everything. And he sometimes straight up ignores the recipe book kind of like you said he’ll be reading it then just go “that doesn’t make any sense and it won’t work so bye bye Mr Recipe Book I think I can do this myself” and he literally just chucks it across the room and Luke and Reggie just look at each other like Oh God.

Board games and jam:

1. Omg yes exactly. Luke finally isn’t on edge anymore and he relaxes but Alex is just like bitch you thought and throws one and it strikes him right in the middle of the forehead

Alex’s weapon of choice is his drumsticks. Reggie accuses him of being suspicious and Alex just readies the sticks slowly and Reggie hides behind Julie apologising over and over again bc he saw what happened to Luke and is slightly scared of Alex now. Him using them on Caleb has me screaming I love that so much - it’s just like Caleb being in the middle of an evil speech all like “I will have your souls if it’s the last thing I do” and then just gets hit in the face by a drumstick. The camera pans round and we just see Alex getting ready to throw another like a dart.

Among Us

Yes omg that’s perfect lmao, and if Luke says it’s Alex everyone votes for him without questioning it so Alex spends the rest of his time as a ghost just terrorising Luke and not bothering to sabotage anyone or anything else

YES the one time Willie did kill Alex, Alex got really offended and wouldn’t speak to him for an entire day so Willie vowed never to do it again. Also I love how that means that no matter who’s the imposter Luke is the first to die - he’s terrible at imposter because people know that if he isn’t the first out then he’s the one doing the killing

Accessories - I FORGOT THERE WAS A COWBOY HAT yes omg you’re right that’s Reggie’s. And Carlos would definitely have the paper bag - he thinks it makes him look sneaky and he loves it

Flynn being competitive is everything - she gets loud and angry if she thinks a rule has been broken, literally she’ll snatch the rules from Alex and point them out to show she’s right. If a decision is taking too long to be reached she’ll just roll her eyes and take the money and give it to whoever she thinks is right. Alex just looks around like “I’m pretty sure this is my job??” but Flynn’s just like “don’t care, let’s get on with this.”

And I love that absjdldl like

Alex: Willie won his ten thousand dollars fair and square.

Flynn: Prove it.

Alex: No.

Yeah same lmao it’s been years since I played monopoly because it just causes arguments between me and my sisters but I think you’re right about the cards?? I honestly don’t know, but Flynn does and she’s great at magically choosing good ones lol. She just has a stash of get out of jail free cards (Alex: Are you sure there’s really that many of those in the deck? Flynn: *hiding literally hundreds of get out of jail free cards behind her back* Excuse me, are you accusing me of cheating?)

Yessss lmao like Reggie is doing his best to avoid him but whenever he like opens a door or something Luke is on the other side like 🥺 and so Reggie just shuts the door in his face and walks away again

Numbers:

2. Awww wait that’s adorable, like Alex trying to stay furious but Willie laughing just makes him unable to stay angry so he tries to look angry but it’s obvious that he isn’t and the whole effect is ruined but he still makes Reggie and Luke get him a new hoodie or at least fix the old one

Yay, great!! I didn’t like Arthur to begin with either but he’s one of my favourites now. Maybe he’ll grow on you like he did for me :)

Exactly lmao like Luke is about to do something dumb and call himself a hero meanwhile Alex is in the background working his magic to save his life like “I couldn’t have got a less stupid prince to be forever connected to huh?”

6. I love that, just Alex so entranced and literally breaking inside because omg cute boy hair flip omg help but Bobby just nudges him and he’s like oh yeah I’m in front of my friends I’ve gotta seem cool (even though they definitely know he isn’t) or if he’s really stuck then yep the slap does the trick and Alex is a little more annoyed but at least he isn’t just gawking at Willie 😂

Literally they’re just like “bro we know what you’re thinking. Don’t you dare. Literally we’ll be back in 25 years don’t worry”. And honestly I really might write it after I’ve done everything else or maybe I’ll save it until I officially finish school so I can focus on it completely bc honestly if I do it I want it to be the best it can it deserves it 😂

8. Ok so this goddamn tangent omg. It also works perfectly for Julie and the Phantoms but I’m going to focus on Sunset Curve bc like you said Bobby being lost without them it’s just like yeah ok.

They are literally the perfect recipe for a band or even just a group of friends. You’re so right that their strengths compliment each other because they’re all good at different things and they all bring so much to each other.

Luke - within the band, he’s their lead singer, their frontman, kind of the main attraction. His strengths lie in writing, singing, and guitar and that’s what he’s got the most control over in the band. He makes sure they have great material so they can sound amazing. Within their friend group, his strengths are mainly with building the others up, encouraging them and believing in them (see the whole “we’re the only family we’re ever gonna need” and “Alex you’re a great drummer and a great guy” and “dude you’re like a human wrecking ball” etc). He knows how to make his boys happier and he only ever sees the best in them. He’s protective and kind and a lot of other things too, but he’s best at being positive.

Reggie - within the band, Reggie obviously plays bass and does backing vocals. I can’t stress how underrated he is - it’s hard to hear the bassline a lot of the time but it’s the sort of thing you’d still notice if it wasn’t there. He’s an integral part of the band and it wouldn’t be the same without him. Also I’ve made a post about this in the past but his vocal range is insane. The guy can sing. His backing vocals honestly are so amazing (especially Finally Free (and obviously Now or Never and Stand Tall solos)) and he deserves more credit. Not only that but his stage presence is phenomenal. In every performance he is so into it, way more than everyone else. He bounces around, he interacts with the audience, he spins and jumps and one minutes he’s on one side of the stage and the next he’s on the other. Reggie provides the show, he hypes up the audience, he ensures everyone is having a good time because HE is having a good time. In the friend group, he serves to make people happy in a different way to Luke. He’s a literal ray of sunshine, he cracks jokes, he smiles, he gets rid of bad feelings before his friends have a chance to feel them. He provides the joy and the distraction.

Alex - the drummer is such an important part of any band. He keeps time and they would literally fall apart without him. He’s at risk of being overlooked a lot because he’s at the back of the stage and can’t move, but he’s so passionate about it all that he still captivates peoples attention. Still he is more of a background part, but like with Reggie it would be obvious if he was missing. As part of the friend group, Alex is the most sensible. Yeah, he still lets them do dumb shit and he joins in, 100% but he stops them from going too far. He makes sure everyone is safe and is the one to stop bad decisions being made. Alex provides safety and comfort and is there for protection.

Bobby - as a rhythm guitarist he is also another really important part that goes overlooked as well. We don’t get to see him play much in the show so it’s hard to say too much about his role in the band as a whole, but he does add that extra little something - sure, they could probably have the band without him, but it wouldn’t be the same. There would be something missing or not quite right, a gap that would need filling because it wouldn’t have that complete, full sound. As we’ve discussed before, Bobby is like the group’s counsellor. He’s there to listen to their problems, to help them through it, to listen and understand what they’re going through. Bobby provides a listening ear and somebody to talk to when things are difficult.

So all their strengths match because they’re all different and they all pull together to make one functioning band.

But then when three of them are gone, Bobby is left all alone. He doesn’t have Luke there anymore he reassure him and tell him everything is going to be fine and that he’s strong enough to get through it; he doesn’t have Reggie there to say something - anything - and make him smile just for the sake of smiling; he doesn’t have Alex there to stop him from doing something stupid (like stealing their music or doing any number of reckless things he could have done over the years); and he can’t take his own advice and move on without all of them there to help him through it. It could have been any member of Sunset Curve who was left behind that night, but no matter what they would have fallen apart because all they ever needed was each other and without that they lose all ability to function.

11. Lmao yes he managed to meet a load of celebrities because he would go to a lot of concerts and meet them but he just wouldn’t think to explain that when he told people so they didn’t think he was telling the truth

(And the Billy Joel concert was at Shea Stadium which according to Google actually took place in 2008 but it was really really good)

17. Lmao he definitely has Nick’s baby pictures. When they eventually find out that Caleb is possessing Nick, Reggie dedicates a page to Nick in his Caleb scrapbook because technically they were the same person for a while and that’s where the baby photos go

Yessssss that’s brilliant. The real reason Reggie doesn’t get to Stand Tall until after Alex is because he tugged on Caleb’s sleeve first and was like “real quick I need your baby photos. You can give them to me whenever” then he poofs out. He has his priorities in order

lol yes “take his soul but protect” is perfect. And like kinda the same for all of them? I do desperately want Caleb to end up good because like you just know that he would do anything to keep Alex, Reggie, Luke, Willie, and probably Julie (he’d really respect her because of her power and also everyone loves Julie) happy

Literally, Reggie could walk into the White House and ask to be president and anyone except Trump would be out of their chair in an instant like yes sir you run the country now thank you. He could announce his plans for world domination and all the leaders of other countries would just be like “sounds like a good plan boss”

19. I love that, like the alliances start as Alex and Willie, Reggie and Luke, Julie and Carlos but over time Alex and Willie turn on each other and use any opportunity for attack, Reggie and Luke start arguing because one of them accidentally got the other, and right from the start Carlos is pelting Julie with snowballs over and over again so they very quickly divide into the absolutely perfect dream teams you said!!

20. Exactly!! Like I don’t watch all the behind the scenes and the only time I really find anything out about the cast is scrolling through Instagram every other day or on here, but still everything I’ve seen of them together shows that they’re basically a little family. And like you said they all have so much chemistry on screen, their dynamics are so beautifully built and the best part is that there are not bad actors! I won’t lie, like there’s time from all of them when the acting isn’t perfect but that’s the same with any actor or actress and overall they do incredibly

!!!!!!!! Exactly!!!!!! You’re so right, and anyone who is against Willie is A) probably racist and B) completely ignoring what happens on screen even though it’s all obvious and they’re literally just choosing to believe he’s a bad guy smh

Thank you!! I’ve seen those theories too and I do like them but I just don’t think Caleb would be so into the whole soul-stealing thing if it was for somebody else and not for him which is why I think it’d be better if he turned nice (or turned nice, completed his unfinished business, handed over the HGC to Willie and crossed over). And yeah like you said I think once you add Caleb’s boss that’s just too many evil people. Id rather give everyone whos meant to be an antagonist (Caleb, Carrie, Trevor) character development or redemption arcs than add yet another villain

Oh yes definitely add Reggie to that list!!!

Honestly the Luke and Flynn friendship might deserve a post of its own 😂 I’ve already done one long tangent and I think this could be longer so I might do the whole thing separately lmao. but YES lmao if you mess with Julie you’d better watch out bc Flynn and Luke would be on their way with weapons. Alex solving the argument like that is everything lmaooo

21. OMG yes you’re so right. Let Alex Mercer Punch Cops 2k21!!!!! 100% that is what happens, absolutely no argument there

Ajsbdkskd yeah I love that for me, Alex gets in trouble so it must be arson. But yeah I actually like yours better, Reggie and Luke would be the ones to casually set stuff on fire. I feel like Alex would try to put it out but accidentally make it worse and Bobby would just be watching and quietly enjoying himself thinking the entire thing is hilarious. Yessss omg Sunset Curve graffiti all over Hollywood with the caption “Tell Your Friends” and it ends up being how they get most of their recognition and sell tickets to gigs and stuff. And yeah lmao plus he’s invisible he literally can’t be caught 😂😂

25. Oh yeah Carrie would be the first to do it like even though she can’t see Willie she’d be all up in his face laying down the rules

Right??? Their friendship has so much potential and way better than romantic (and that’s not just because I think Carrie is a lesbian, although she definitely is and that’s definitely a part of it lmfao). Honestly Carrie figuring out Nick being Caleb would really be glorious. Like, she asks him again to get back together with her but he has said no so many times by now that’s she’s expecting him to say no again, but Caleb thinks it could be a way to get Julie jealous and aid his plan so he says yes and Carrie is immediately like nope something is off.

26. He so would. He’d have a mental list of everything that makes Alex lose his mind and he’d make sure to do everything on it at least once a day

32. Wait that’s so cute 🥺😂 Reggie just getting distracted and wandering away and the park ranger being like ok first here have a sticker and second let’s go find your friends. Reggie immediately befriends the park ranger and makes sure to come back with a batch of cookies Alex made as a thank you bc he would not have made it out of there if the ranger hadn’t found him

37. Yeah lmao Reggie tried his hardest but just. Failed miserably. Lmao I love that detail of him completely changing somethings colour and Alex and Luke just being like wtf how did you do that. In the two minutes someone wasn’t watching him Luke managed to put his arm in a candle. Candles are now banned from the studio. Lmao if it happened while they were ghosts then Julie and Alex and Reggie would have just been talking then they’d hear a panicked “JULIE HELP” and turn round to see Luke on fire

Lmao Julie sees the queen’s baby photos and is like “why do you have some random old baby in this scrapbook?” and Reggie is just like “oh that’s the queen” and Julie is the first person who’s ever believed him without an explanation