#//i do not have that anymore and it's sad truly

[barsformars]

jealousy

//

g - angst, comfort

p - seonghwa x reader

w.c - 929

t.w - reader is insecure and experiences some retroactive jealousy

a.n - it is tough, and ive been there, but insecurity really hurts both parties so! i try to keep that in mind

//

seonghwa notices the way your gaze on him changes through the few weeks you've been together. you used to look at him in awe, adoration and love but by the next week, the adoration have dimmed and by the following week, the awe have turned into envy. and the envy turned into furrowed eyebrows and heavy eyelids. seonghwa was afraid if he looked any further down he would see the corner of your lips twitch in displeasure. do you not love him anymore? has he become ugly in your eyes already?

"love?"

"yeah?" you replied half-heartedly as you stared at your reflection in the mirror, making a mental note of every flaw you had. worse still, you secretly compared yourself to his exes. it consumed every inch of you and haunted you every waking moment, compelling you to go onto their social media pages, zooming into every detail of them. what made their eyes so beautiful that seonghwa fell in love with them? what made their nose so cute that he wanted his kids to have it too? what made their lips so captivating that he wanted to make them smile all the time?

and why then, you? anyone close to seonghwa knows he has a type. it is one thing to be the ghost of someone else, but it is another to be the complete opposite of what he loves.

seonghwa waits for you to turn around but you don't, still too preoccupied with your thoughts to even give him a second of your time.

“love,” he said it louder this time, snapping you out of your self-hating mind, “can i have your attention please?”

you turn to look at your partner who was already under the blanket, skin all glowy from his night time routine, hair perfectly framing his chiseled face. how effortless. you were so consumed by his appearance that you don’t notice how sadness was gnawing at him.

seonghwa tries hard to phrase the words correctly in his head, because he doesn't want you to start detesting his heart too. but the silence in the room becomes too unbearable and the question escapes him before he could think twice.

"why do you look at me with so much disgust nowadays?"

your eyes widened in surprise. you didn’t realise you were being that transparent.

“i’m sorry, i-i love you…it’s just,” you blurted before quickly stopping. how do you explain yourself without sounding immature and nonsensical?

dejection has completely taken over your lover’s face as he tries to comprehend what you are going through. it’s hard to feel loved when you have turned so cold but as he is, there is always a small matchstick in seonghwa’s heart to keep it warm enough for others. he beckons you over to join him in bed, his arms wide open for you.

maybe it’s the guilt or ego that has you frozen in place, eyes glued to the floor as your brain tries to scramble possible ways to say it without sounding confrontational. but as they say, birds of a feather flock together and you speak your mind as seonghwa did.

“you wish i look like your exes, don’t you?”

seonghwa’s jaw is left agape at your question.

“i know, i know you love me because i’m smart and kind and funny all that yada yada yada,” you quickly followed up with an elaboration with the adjectives he usually described you with, “but my appearance is subpar, right?” you concluded on your own.

seonghwa don’t know who planted these seeds in your head because never once has any of those thoughts crossed his mind. sure, you did look pretty different from his past partners, but that was purely coincidence.

“love, just because my exes look kind of the same does not mean i only appreciate those physical traits,” seonghwa explained.

“of course you would say that,” you retorted, “and besides, you think im way below your league, right?”

seonghwa shook his head immediately, “if i truly thought that, why would i be with you?” at this point, he was already slowly making his way towards you, his indoor slippers shuffling against the wooden floor.

“i don’t know, and i’m perpl-“ as he stood in front of you, seonghwa reached out to cup your face in his slender hands, hushing you. his heart shatters when you shun him, intentionally or not, but he catches you nevertheless. gently lifting your head up to look at you, his shattered heart crumbles even more when a teardrop rolls down your cheek.

“love,” seonghwa calls out to you firmly this time. “why do you have such thoughts? how can i make you feel more loved?” even at moments like this, when you are accusing him on hurtful things, he could let slide and shift the focus on you. and you realise how stupid your thoughts have been.

the tears start gushing down and they don’t stop. “i’m sorry, i love you seonghwa…” he pulls you into his chest and pats your head lovingly. he heaved a sigh as he tries to patch up his own heart too. it really does hurt him to see you like this.

“my love, we all know that there are plenty of very attractive people out there in the world,” seonghwa said when you cooled down a little.

“however, there is a reason why you chose to be with me, and i chose to be with you. it’s not wrong to want to look better, and i appreciate it, but don’t ever doubt my feelings towards and for you.”

[wolfcin04]

“No, Rafe, I told you I didn’t want to be caught in the middle of another fight.” Mumbling something under his breath, he seemed different. Maybe it was the stress his father was putting on him. Or perhaps, I sometimes wondered, if Rafe had other demons he was fighting—things he would never talk about with me, feelings he would never even allow himself to feel. That was the one and only thing that scared me. There’s only so much someone can take.

“Why aren’t you defending me in the slightest?” His voice was raised slightly. He could never truly yell at her. Her hazel skin was shining in the evening light; it was sunset. During this time, they usually took a nice evening walk. Maybe even Wheezie would join them; she loved riding her bike during this hour.

Now, he found himself having a disagreement with her. He would never actually call it what it was—an argument.

She scoffed. “The thing that’s making me the most mad here is that Wheezie was present. En serio, Rafe. How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t want her around for those kinds of things?” After three years together, he had picked up on certain words she would say in Spanish. Her accent was one of his favorite things about her.

There was a pause. The air was thick. Even with the terrace doors open, he could still feel the suffocating weight of it. He hated when she was mad at him—or, rather, disappointed. She was now standing by the door, grabbing her purse. He felt a burning sensation in his chest, almost like the anxiety attack he’d had last summer.

“I’m headed to Miami for a while. My sister needs me, and I think I could use some time to clear my head.”

Y/n’s older sister was a bit of a mystery. Rafe knew very little about her. They’d had a huge fight the year after Rafe and Y/n started dating. They’d only recently made up, and Rafe knew just how much her older sister meant to her. Dropping everything when she needed her wasn’t strange. What was odd, however, was her running away whenever there was a fight. Maybe this pushed her over the edge. Maybe he’d been too hard on her. There had been little things throughout the week that led up to this. Like the night Rafe had shown up at her apartment, completely drunk after a night out with the guys. She hated seeing him like that—so drunk he’d forgotten his phone in Kelce’s car.

“Wait a sec. Take a seat. We need to talk this out. You can’t just fly to Florida and say you need space.” His voice broke, but not with sadness. Maybe with anger? No, it was despair.

He reached for her hand, and she let him hold it. Looking down at their hands intertwined made her chest tingle. His touch was warm, yet his presence made her feel cold.

“I can, Rafe, and I will. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone. Esme is having a really hard time with the kids, and I miss her so much. I miss home. We need this right now.”

“No. No, you need this.” His voice was raised now, and his eyes were watery. She let go of his hand and placed a small, delicate kiss on his cheek. She rested her hand there for a moment, her thumb tracing small circles.

“I will see you when I get back. I love you so much.” A tear escaped from her eye. He reached up and wiped it away. Clearing his throat, he stepped back and accepted his fate.

“Um, when are you leaving? I can drive you to the airport.” He massaged the back of his neck, hoping she’d at least let him take her.

“That won’t be necessary. Sarah is dropping me off. My flight leaves at 10 a.m. tomorrow.”

“Hm, okay then. I’ll see you when you get back.”

The sun had finished setting by now. Looking over to the terrace, he could see the ocean. He tried to focus on how still it looked—just until she was out of the room and couldn’t see him anymore. There was a small click from the door, and he finally let go of a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

A/N; should I do a part two of them making up?!? Comment any suggestions on how you would like it to go down!! ❤️

[pinkkop]

Euthanasia and Assisted Suicide:

Spare Me Your Mercy vs. real life

@elimstilnotgarak has got me thinking about Spare Me Your Mercy and specifically euthanasia again so while everyone is talking about how the screenwriter Lux talked about NC scenes in their interview I wanted to talk about something completely different that stood out to me when I read the interview for the first time (other than the NC scene talk), which is this section:

"Euthanasia doesn’t mean you can request an injection to die simply because you’re tired of life. Even in Europe, where euthanasia is legal, there are strict requirements. You must have a certified medical condition specified in the law, endorsed by at least two medical specialists, and the illness must be truly incurable and that you are waiting for death. The purpose of this law is to prevent these individuals from suffering. Instead of suffering for another year, they can die. It's not about being bored with life or lazy to live or not liking yourself when you're old, so you let them inject you with a lethal dose. They don't do that. Many people misunderstand that if you don't want to live, you can go for euthanasia."

The thing is, euthanasia in the form shown and talked about in the show isn't legal in the majority of Europe. Only 5 countries in Europe have legal "Active voluntary euthanasia" which is what Dr. Kan practices and the rest of Europe (except for a couple of micro nations) only have legal "Passive euthanasia" (refusal of treatment / withdrawal of life support)(source: Wikipedia).

I found this particularly interesting because Switzerland is not one of those countries. This made me want to dig further because as long as I can remember media has always been portraying Switzerland as the place where you go if you want to die.

Like in the movie "Me Before You" Sam Claflin's character goes to Switzerland at the end because he doesn't want to live as someone paralyzed from the neck down anymore and even in the BL Every You, Every Me Top's character is going to Switzerland in episode 3, which was the moment I knew episode 4 was going to be really sad because even if they didn't say it explicitly I guessed why he was going to specifically Switzerland.

So why is it that Switzerland seems to have an image of being the place you go if you want to die legally?

It turns out that what IS legal in Switzerland is assisted suicide which has been legal there for over 40 years but even assisted suicide is only legal in 6 countries in Europe in total, if you only count the countries where it's both legal, legislated and regulated (source: Wikipedia).

Switzerland is one of the few places that allow assisted suicide for non-resident foreigners and I'm assuming this is why Switzerland has the mentioned reputation.

If you're curious about the specifics of euthanasia and assisted suicide and how it is enacted in countries like Switzerland I found a really interesting webinar/talk on youtube where a Swiss Palliative Care Doctor talks about her experience with assisted suicide in Switzerland hosted by a Canadian human-rights charity Dying With Dignity Canada in 2022. I found it super insightful and I would highly recommend watching/listening to it because they get into a lot of specifics about how it works in the real world and since the guest is a Swiss doctor and the organization is Canadian you get a broader focus than just what it's like in Switzerland.

One thing I found particularly interesting about the webinar is how Dr. Erika talks about euthanasia (in the form Dr. Kan practices) as if it is not likely to become legal in Switzerland which makes me think that Spare Me Your Mercy and its source book, Euthanasia, should really have been about assisted suicide, but getting into those kinds of details in the book or show would probably not have worked and the book title of Euthanasia is a little cooler than Assisted Suicide 😂

In the small amount of research I've done it also doesn't seem completely clear whether assisted suicide is considered a form of euthanasia but what Dr. Kan does in Spare Me Your Mercy is definitely not helping the patients commit assisted suicide because for that to be the case the patient themselves would need to be administering the lethal dose of medicine.

Hope you found this insightful and I highly recommend doing the dishes while listening to the webinar!

[magiclwritings]

He hadn't truly given it another thought when Apollo turned to face him. If anything he was relieved that he'd done so. As much as he didn't want to admit it, the two of them had a way of centering one another that he wasn't entirely sure would ever be the same with someone else. For him, Oliver was something different, special but the feelings he had with Apollo he just couldn't explain. A therapist once said it'd been some sort trauma but then the sessions stopped and Cass never thought of it again. But he couldn't unhear what was said. And more so how it was said. He wasn't entirely sure how to navigate this sort of magic and he'd be damned if he let Isaac catch the two of them like this. And even worse, Ollie.

"I know that you are terrified." He started, moving his own hands over Apollo's. He was so warm and it felt good to have a moment of sanity from that kid but this wasn't the solution. He'd be lying if he said he had never considered the pair of them. Of course they'd have never gotten married but he could see them both finding jobs suitable to their families and having a house between the two points. Or separate houses. Whatever they would have decided. But the notion wasn't so batty that he hadn't. A small part of him still yearned for who those men were back then. It felt so rebellious and free when it was just the two of them. The excitement caught in Cass' throat but he did his very best to keep a firm grip on their reality and not another what if. "Apollo, I have never left you to face anything alone in this world and I won't start now. But ..." He sighed, moving in to wrap Apollo tightly in his arms. "We can't."

The blonde's face tucked into his neck and he stood there just holding him as if it were the only thing he could think of to fix this. "We can't ruin this." His voice was muffled against Apollo's skin but he kept on. "Whatever we've done so far we can't run. We have to fix whatever this is. We are so close to being free." And a part of him did truly believe that. Whether that meant from this company or their families or whatever hair brained problem they some how wound themselves into. Cass pulled back to look at Apollo just then, seeing a small boy with eyes so big he could barely stand it before it morphed back into the man he knew now. "Stay with me. Stay for Isaac and Ollie." He gave a sad smile, knowing that had always been the plan. But times changed and they weren't those boys making oaths under the cover of darkness anymore.

"Ha'e ya tried bein' mad a' mi'e?" He countered, laughing softly but he still jostled the poor little guy against him. A little whining and fussing was all he managed but Isaac still thought it best to switch places. Oliver seemed like a natural when it came to him anyway. It was only then that Isaac really started to think about what was going on. He wasn't scared of them. Even under a spell most people can still feel their emotions under it and he'd imagine being in a house with four strange men would have been frightening to him in some degree but he didn't flinch. Odd.

It was a few toppled canisters and moments longer than he'd have liked but Isaac had found near everything on the list. Ginger they'd have to get from the mud room but that could wait a second longer. He wasn't quite ready to face the two of them just yet. And he had to admit that Oliver, despite being quite the ball of energy, was quite inciteful to those around him and Isaac had always found him fascinating. Not to mention that he damn near balanced his partner perfectly.

"I will be betta to 'im." He conceded after a few moments and watching Oliver hold the boy. His face was starting to lose the rosy tint to his cheeks, surely that nap would be over soon. "They don' ma'e i' easy, do they?" Isaac smiled a little wider then, feeling better but still not enough to break the barrier between. What he'd done and the weight of the time he'd stolen was starting to set in, no matter how he could smile at Oliver. "I 'spose tha's wha' we ge'." His head dropped to look at his hands in his lap for a moment, his fingers spelling something trivial before he'd snapped his attention back. "How i' ya brotha anyway? Still ...?" The question hung between them, knowing Orion had a colorful way of dealing with things, far less tame than what Apollo and Cass had been in but he could see how it'd be hard to say no to those sort of deals and whatever substances he liked. Isaac tried not to judge as he used to sell his magic as a short lived party trick.

“It is serious,” Apollo countered, brow furrowed at Cassio’s deflection. “It changed me, whatever it was. It overtook me. I was myself, but I couldn’t break out of this…this trance, and who knows what will happen next time? What if it affects everyone? That’s never happened to me before, Cassio. I can’t risk something like that happening again. Theo is the only difference. It has to do with him.” He didn’t understand his best friend’s reluctance to analyze for traces of magic. “It wasn’t just caught up in the moment. I couldn’t think about anything else; I couldn’t stop. What if I had hurt Isaac because I was so fucking blinded by whatever that was?” 

Finally, he convinced Cassio and the blonde stepped forward and placed his hand on Apollo’s chest. He sighed with relief at finally being heard. He stood still, tracking Cassio’s eyes as he scanned him over. “What?” Apollo asked, missing the words Cassio was saying. He felt fuzzy again as if a fever was overtaking him. The blonde’s hands sliding across his chest and arms left his skin with goosebumps. “Cass,” He whispered. Memories of the two of them together were brought to the front of his mind. That lithe body of a dancer, flexible in all sorts of ways that the two of them explored together. And they had been good together. They were. They could be again. It was like his entire world focused on the blonde; nothing else could hold his attention except the need for more contact. Cassio rested his forehead against Apollo’s shoulder, and the man squeezed his eyes shut, shivering at the contact. It always came right back to them, didn’t it? So why weren’t they together?

He turned around to face the blonde, his hands cradling his face. The skin-to-skin contact nearly made him groan. And he knew it was wrong. He knew he and Cassio hadn’t been together since they were at Hogwarts, but what was stopping them? Why had they never tried to be together? He leaned forward, pressing his forehead to the blonde’s. They were so close that Apollo could feel his breath on his lips, and if he just closed the inch between them, he could remember what it was like to feel his lips. “Cassio,” he whispered, soothingly stroking his thumbs over his cheeks. “Let’s just leave. Fuck it, let’s just leave together. Remember how good we were? It would be even better now.” He dropped one of his hands to Cassio’s chest, fingers curving out the indents between his ribs. “I know you remember. I see it in your face sometimes when you look at me. Let me worship you.” 

Oliver stepped into the walk-in pantry, Isaac following behind him. “He needs rosemary, cayenne pepper, and saffron,” He said absentmindedly. “Wouldn’t hurt to pull some ginger either. Orion said it can boost the spell and help decrease our little guy's side effects.” 

He shuffled through the potion's ingredients, looking for what they needed. So far, nothing had come up. “You don’t have to apologize, Isaac. I know how hard it can be with them, but…” Oliver sighed, shrugging his shoulders. “Apollo and Cassio are always going to be Apollo and Cassio. It won’t do us any favors to wedge between them. If anything, it’s just going to make them more secretive. We know their history; if they wanted to be together, they would have made it happen, but they’ve never toyed with the idea of a relationship together, and we’ve been with them for years. They choose us instead of each other. Isn’t that enough?” He promised himself there in the pantry that he would be a better, more present friend to Isaac. Cassio and Apollo had a way of unintentionally making them both feel like odd men out. 

“But I have your back, you know that, right?” He turned to Isaac, shooting him a smile. “But you should give Cass a chance. Most of the things you get upset at him for are almost always Apollo’s fault anyway, but I get that it’s easier to be mad at my boyfriend than yours.” Oliver narrowed his eyes playfully and returned to the shelve he was shuffling through. “Okay, I officially can’t find anything. Where is all of this stuff hiding?”

[asterisque-arch]

@aeniqmata

"The sayin' is 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away' Therion and I'm no doctor, I'm an apothecary, now show me that wound and stop throwin' apples my way!"

Or he'll eat them all, again, as revenge!

[thekittyokat]

you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah

[blueskittlesart]

at a certain point i think we need to acknowledge that art is very rarely created accidentally. if you can see a theme in a work than that theme was, more likely than not, at least somewhat intentional on behalf of the creator. you don't put a piece of yourself out into the world without thinking about what it means at least a little bit.

[persy-r-bozo]

[pardonmydelays]

unpopular opinion but i really miss those days when it was all about the music in taylor swift fandom

[lambentplume]

i wish i could be comfortable living here (once again you don’t have to expand all of that)

[llondonfog]

[kavehater]

Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭

[finelinens1994]

my desire to create art has basically vanished over the last couple of months and i feel very sad about not creating anything :( but i don't know if i should force myself to keep working my drawing muscles so i'm just allowing this extended break to happen... i fear The Horrors have robbed me of my artistic desire for the time being

[thecherrygod]

I'm so fucking tired I already think the holidays are Bad why does everything around me make them Worse

[deus-ex-mona]

ok but. my flamin’ hot take is that hw’s tendency to lock lore/character/relationship info behind a paywall kind of does more harm than good when gen 3 (particularly lxl, hiyori, and chizuchan) is involved

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again

sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now

Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.

And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.

and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.

no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.

and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.

im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.

and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently

in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.

there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.

no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.