#//dont pay attention to the shoes. i got lazy.

[infernal-egocentrism]

"Aren't I the cutest?"

[tastyykpop]

nct dating headcannons!

I only did 127 because there's so many but ill do the others if anyone requests it :)

ɴᴄᴛ ʙғ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴ

Taeil

Mr. Moon Taeil is the definition of a cuddly boyfriend

Hes always holding your hand or kissing your cheek

Definitely gets shy when the members are around but in public youre all his

Hes super sincere about anything too but also knows how to joke around

I mean have you seen him with nct

Hes funny❗❗

Like he's gonna make you laugh no matter what

And those deep convos yall would have at night while cuddling>>>

"What if we were put on earth by aliens as an experiment to see if we would live and everytime we see ufos its just our cousins checking up on us"

Eyes wide open, "bro"

Taeils either the big or small spoon too

There's no in between

Also the biggest baby when yall are chilling

"I call small spoon!"

"But you were the small spoon last night"

"K and what about it"

10/10 would complain if you didn't want to sit with him and watch a movie or show

Would probably guilt trip you by saying you never watch something with him

Hes a sweet manipulator...

But he could easily replace you with one of the members

Like sicheng

Taeil will always ask if you've eaten

If you haven't eaten he gets big sad

Don't make him sad

Plus hes always checking on your health

And he'll know if your lying if you say you're doing fine when you're not

Also don't lie in general cuz he doesn't like that

That would make him trust you a bit less and he definitely wants trust in the relationship

Trust is a huge key or hes out

Johnny

This man 🥲

Boyfriend Material™

So gentle and loving

Loves making you feel special and will hype the shit out of you when you don't feel confident doing something

Will always make sure you're doing okay

Johnny puts in so much effort to make this relationship work and expects you to put the same amount of effort into it too

Like taeil, hes really big on trust

Add honesty to that list

Plus he expects you to be mature when needed

If you're the type of person who depends on someone else for everything and I'm mean everything he will actually leave

Hes not your babysitter❤

But he will take care of you to some extent

Like basic things for instance

He'll make you food if you're sick, get you water if your dehydrated, will get your feminine products when you need it

Very sweet😌

Okay and he spoils you but wbk

"Why are you getting me so much things?"

"Because I love you."

"But why did you get me a kitten costume???"

He has some kinks to work out 😐

Johnny will go to shop after shop even if you say you don't want something (you do but you just don't want him to pay) he'll get it without batting an eye

"Youve been staring at these shoes for 5 minutes imma buy them for you"

"Huh? No! I-"

"Too late"

will take you out to dinner all the time just to be romantic

Hes actually really good at romantic stuff

I say Johnny you say whipped

Johnny👀

Whipped😫

His free time is always you time

So don't bother saying your busy cuz now hes busy with you

"Johnny i got a test coming up can you come later? I need to study

"Thats cute im coming over to help"

Taeyong

Judging taeyong on his looks, some say he would be cold to his girlfriend

Like a tsundere

But the man is quite the opposite

Though he can be stern if need be

He has 22 children what do you expect

Will literally treat you like his members and always taking care of you

But there will be times when you have to take care of him because hes so tired from work

He turns into a baby when he's tired or lazy too

So wrap him in a burrito blanket and hes all set for the day

Makes weird noises but thats normal

You're just watching tv and hes just making some old video game sounds with his mouth

No one questions it

If he didnt make sounds you'd probably question it

Talks in pout if he doesn't get his way with you

"Why don't you wanna play games with me~"

"Bruh I'm tired"

Or just gives you those big puppy eyes without even trying

Complete other person when you're not listening

He just kinda stares at you all intimidating like until you listen

Taeyong won't do anything too bad if you kept ignoring him, but you don't know that

Omg bro he'd literally bring you on vlive with him to chat

Even if the company is like '???Shes not an idol???'

But its taeyong so SM doesn't care🧍‍♂️

"We have special guest again! Its y/n-ah!!"

You'd be just chilling on his bed giving him a wtf look until you realize there's a camera and smile

"Shes cute. Isn't she cute guys?"

Don't try to escape the vlive, he'll just get up and sit you on his lap

Makes everyone watching jelly🥲

Bro he would make fun of you the same way he makes fun of doyoung

you'd be sitting with doyoung or sumn and taeyong just comes up to the both of you and decides

'Its time to end these two'

You and doyoung are just like 'tf did we do'

Somehow some other members are making fun of yall

Of course they aren't mean

Its all fun and games and gives you a good laugh after

Doyoung

Hes literally a mom

But its ok

You love it

Sometimes

He also nags a lot

And if you don't listen he gets mad

You wouldn't tell him this but you find it funny

And cute🤐

"Youre almost as bad as dream" 

"what are u talking about im an angel"

"Kay then put the knife down we kinda need haechan to live"

Hes beaten you with a pillow once

In front of taeyong

Taeyong was watching like 👁👄👁

I dont think he cares much for pda tbh

But he doesn't hate it

He'll hug you a lot

And doyoung will probably kiss you here and there

But thats depending on his mood

If he's tired he'd probably just hold you in his arms

Either way he still makes you smile even with the smallest of touches

When you guys go out in public doyoung always holds your hand

I mean always

Remember when I said he doesn't seem like the type to be into pda

I lied

Doyoung wants everyone to know youre his

He won't kiss you but he will pull you into random hugs and hold your hand like he's gonna lose you any second

Doyoung also can't go anywhere without dressing his best

Like even if he's just practicing he's gotta look cute

And he always does because he's fucking kim doyoung

Doyoung also has a habit to make up names for you

Like one day he'll call you babe/baby

The next day could be angel or princess

Then there's you who just calls him bunny because he hates (loves) it

Expect some random gifts from him

Cuz like Johnny, he likes to spoil you

he just loves the smile thats plastered on your face

Pinches your cheeks evey time you smile too

When you guys are just chilling in the dorms you are always doing something to make doyoung get "angry"

"Angry" doyoung is a fun doyoung

Says you and taeyong 🤭

Literally will chase you around the dorm until he gets you and "scolds you"

Hell also scold taeyong

Sometimes you prank him with the other members

*cough*haechan*cough*

But doyoung knows youre just being playful

So he kinda laughs at you

Yuta

Hes a devil

Wbk

He can go from calling you the cutest lil thang to saying the most inappropriate stuff

"U have such a pretty mouth" 

"no stop" 

"how about u use it on my-"

"OUT DEMON"

Besides that he's actually very nice

Although he doesn't really show his affection like how most couples would

At first hes kinda like a "cold boyfriend" but not?

Gives off a tsundere kinda vibe

He lives for pda

Especially if you initiate it

His favorite is kissing your neck

Not in a sexual way or trying to give you hickeys tho

He just comes over and kisses it

Probably has a neck kink 😳

Same 😌

When you guys are out in public his arm is always around your waist or shoulders

He gets easily jealous when you give anyone any attention

Especially if you have a pet

He will be pouty for God knows how long until you notice

"I'll make it up to you"

"ok then prove it *pats his lap*"

"...I can and will replace you with this animal"

Will not let a dude flirt with you

If he sees a dude flirt with you he just gives them ㄒ卄乇 ㄥㄖㄖҜ

Lowkey hot

But sometimes gives you that look if u aren't listening to him

Its an advantage

Freaks you out tho

When your sitting on the couch minding your own damn business yuta always pulls you onto his lap or sits you between his legs

He really likes to be close to you

So when you guys are sitting he keeps his head on your shoulder and his arms wrapped around you gently rocking you both

Omg im making myself feel single

If you are sad yuta will always be the first person you lean on

Even if its not serious

"Who do I need to fuck up?"

"Im literally just on my period..."

The members sometimes tease him because they'd never seen him so in love

He looks at you like ur his everything

Because you are

He'll tell you that too

If you say something bad about urself he gives you a whole ass lecture about how u should love yourself the way he loves you

He'd be talking for 25 minutes but you stopped listening 30 minutes ago

Literally scolds you for not listening

Loves how well you get along with the members

But also hates how well you get along with specific members because of how similar you are with them

What I'm trying to say is that you are a bit too similar to mark🚶‍♂️

Jaehyun

Frat boy boyfriend

Lowkey wants to fuck everyday

Idk he gives off that vibe

But jaehyuns just chill half the time

Hes like an American boyfriend like bitch you're Korean 👁👄👁

Hes super cuddly and warm

Thats weird wait

Like when you're cold just snuggle into him because body heat <3

Always loosely has his arms around your waist when just laying down

Whole different story if you're sitting on his lap and just standing around

Back hugs😫😫

Dead ass the first thing he does if he sees you is give you a back hug

It works for a lot of things

Surprise? Back hug

You're cooking? Back hug

Horny? Back hug

Solves his life problems basically

Hes a freak omg

Very flirtatious too

Hes just that bitch

Either he makes you blush or roll your eyes

"Y/n you're ass is fat"

Def an ass guy😑

Hes the type of guy to put his hands in your jeans back pocket

Wait no im feeling jaehyun too much rn

BUT MY POINT STILL STANDS

Or when yall hug his hand doesn't rest on your back but your ass

If you're wearing some shorts or something that makes your but pop

Hes gonna smack it and pretend like nothing happened

Yo someone pls save me im in my jae feels

Nah I've been talking about his ass kink for too long

Ummmm

Okay for real though jaes actually really nice and kind of careless when it comes to you

Fuck everyone else, if you've fallen and scraped your knee hes gonna be that soccer mom and rip a band aid out of nowhere

But if one of his members scraped their knee he'd just look the other way and smile like nothing happened

Earlier I said he was chill but hes also loud too

You walk into the dorms and the first thing you hear is "Y/N!!" Wyd?

You swear he doesn't realize how loud he is half the time because of that deep voice

This bitch always makes sure youre healthy and tries to take you to the gym with him

It dont work cuz this bitch just stares at your ass

Nah I need to do the next member

Jungwoo

hes literally the cutest especially around you

When he greets you its basically a whole ass bear hug

Whole lots a kissing

Literally doesn't care where you guys are

He will kiss you anywhere

Loves to kiss your forehead because he doesn't have to bend down as much🤭

doesnt care if the members are there

Nobody ever questions it either

"youre my baby right?"

"jungwoo-"

"riGhT?"

"Yes...."

He does aegyo if he doesn't get his way

It works every time don't lie

Will probably sit on your lap for some reason

Hes not light

But if you can do it so can he

you guys never get into fights

Even if you do its never anything serious

"you fucking pushed me so u could win"

"false I accidentally bumped my arm into urs"

"whats accidental is the murder im going to commit"

"what?"

"What?"

Smh young love

Going shopping with jungwoo is like shopping with a kid

Will beg for any food he lays his eyes on

"Omg can we get cookies?🥺"

"only if your paying"

“*gently places cookie dough back* lmao cookies? Never heard of her"

No matter how tired the boy is he will always find time for you

Hell take you too your favorite restaurants and even if you insist on paying he wont let you

If you don't marry him I will

When you guys are walking in public he will always be holding your hand

Says its because he doesn't want you to get lost

But you know damn well its actually him who doesn't want to get lost😳

Jk you just know he wants to be close to you

If you make any suggestive joke he always knows how to counterpart it

Leaving you speechless like the members

When you guys are going to bed he has his arms wrapped around your waist

first thing jungwoo does before sleeping is giving you a kiss

Doesn't care if your asleep or awake

Then a quiet 𝐼 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢

Mark

i dont even know how to explain this relationship bruh

like its mark lee its gonna be a weird time

ok so marks actually hella nice

kinda bro or dude zones you but you do it back

theres a bunch of yo’s too

as someone who says yo a lot im happy i can relate to him

“yo youre doing that wrong though”

“dude im literally reading the directions, it said 3 cups of water”

“bro it says 3/4 oh my god”

yall cant cook 

taeyong wont even allow even you to help him cook

anyway marks special

but seriously marks actually a very gentle person with you

like legit is super nice to you even if you sometimes piss him off

marks probablys only been mad at you once then was like ‘its okay’

go to his practices cuz he loves that shit

he really likes when you are social with the members too

cuz then you guys are all friends and he can just bring you to places with them :D

this kid will literally not to pda in front of any member so you have to basically force him to just hug you

johnnys always making fun of you two and mark panics everytime while youre just like ‘yeah what about it’

compliment mark and hes blushing and squealing like an anime girl

inch resting concept 

“mark you look cute today”

“o-oh um..yeah thanks”

and this man can take compliments but with you its a whole new story

aight lemme get serious

marks mad sensitive 

so dont actually purposely make him mad, jealous, or upset

it would crush him

and he doesnt want someone like that in a relationship

cuz if he doesnt purposely do it to you, dont do it to him

take notes 

Haechan

hes a brat bye

would actually fight you just to get his way

makes fun of you on a regular

thinks hes cute 

hes not wrong

but actually he knows how to act mature when he needs to

like if youre genuinly getting upset with him, he will straighten up and quicky apologize, even give you a phat kiss and hug

might take you to get ice cream after if he really upset you

he can be nice

nah jk hes very nice and is a really energetic boyfriend

haechan always wants to do something with you liek go to the amusement park, go out to eat, or go shopping

sometimes makes everything seem like a hassle to leave and go somewhere with you cuz hes either lazy or playing video games

“cant you just go by yourself?”

“but what if i get lost”

“the ice cream place is literally five miles away”

“actually its seven so im gonna get lost”

hed groan the whole time just to be annoying but you dont care cuz you got your ice cream

if you go to any concert or practice, haechan always has to make things more sexy than they should be

like ‘fool’ became hella sexual and for what

its probably one of his favorites to make you blush

he loves your reactions

keeps him alive

hyucks always got something to say even at the most awful times

youre literally choking on water and he goes “ill give you something to choke on later”

and you have to cancel your dying session to smack his head

my guy has no filter

and he wont even hide that around the members

theres always that smirk on his cute ass face if he succeeds too

i have the sudden urge to fight him

[writing-good-vibes]

brad dourif characters x reader headcanons: birthdays (fluff and smut)

requested by anon !! what do our beloveds do for your birthday (spoiler, they (pretty much) all spoil you) warning for smut. more notes in tags

charles lee ray

avoids his own birthday but goes all out for yours

buys (or steals, don't ask) you a lot of presents

i mean a lot !!

new tv (stolen)

a lot of lingerie (classy)

you have a very late night the night before (takes you to a very rough bar)

lazy morning

expect a very happy birthday fuck to start the day

doesn't make you breakfast because he hates cooking

but does go out for coffee and your takeout breakfast of choice to bring home for you

has a cake professionally made/decorated

(because you made one for his birthday)

the message on top is something v horny like "your pussy tastier than this"

or it's like one word like "whore <3"

either way it is both hilarious and embarrassing that some poor bakery worker had to frost those words

takes you out for dinner (very fancy restaurant)

or to the movies

another happy birthday fuck when you get home

("how old are you again? guess that's how many rounds we've gotta get through tonight")

billy bibbit

billy doesn't much like his own birthday (his mom was too overbearing for him to ever properly enjoy himself)

but he is great at organising yours

lazy morning

as many kisses as years you are old

makes you breakfast in bed because he is a sweetheart

he makes you a present !!

he's actually really good at drawing and he fills a notebook with little drawings and pictures

(drawings of you and of things you love and one at the end of himself that he's embarrassed about but you love it)

then immediately thinks it isn't good enough and that he should of just bought you something

but you kiss him and reassure him that it's beautiful

the best present you've ever been given

you stay in that night to cook dinner together

he's definitely made you a cake !!

is it very aesthetic and the frosting is your favourite colour/flavour

sitting outside to watch the sunset !!

sheriff brackett

does everything in his power to make the day extra special for you

(has told his deputy not to bother him unless something really important happens)

buys you a sentimental/thoughtful gift

like some fancy thing related to your favourite hobby (e.g. expensive art supplies if you're an artist, etc.)

breakfast in bed !!

in your underwear, sun coming in through the windows

definitely the kind of guy to get ballons and banners to decorate the house with

(which is embarrassing but also wholesome)

takes you out to dinner at a very tasteful restaurant

you are birthday girl and he won't let you forget it

he's set the bar pretty high sex wise so has to pull out all the stops to make it extra special

clear your diary for the next 3 to 5 hours

("daddy's allowed to treat the birthday girl")

jack dante

forgets your birthday every time

its not that he doesnt care

but he has a lot going on

and keeping track of time whilst he's down in that basement is easier said than done

when you remind him that it is your birthday he gets more excited than you

sends you out to get cake and jelly and ice cream

which you begrudgingly go and get because you really think he might cry if you dont

sex is abundant but when is it not with jack

as it is your birthday he might be kind enough to give you a reach around whilst he rails you

when he actually gets you a present

(usually like a week late)

its either something actually brilliant (like the latest futurist technology (idk what they had in fake-future-2003))

or its something real fucking sleazy like a weirdo dildo ("so you don't get lonely when i'm not around")

doc cochran

would rather die than celebrate his own birthday

but he wants you to be happy on yours

(and every day)

gets you the best present

(where from? he has his ways)

definitely like some first edition copy of a niche book you like (poe, shakespeare, homer, that kind of thing)

makes sure he has no scheduled visits that day and wants to spend as much time with you as possible

(will personally beat Al's ass if he sends for him for no reason)

you spend the day talking about this and that

and he reads to you from the books he got you because goddamn does he have a beautiful voice

gets jewel to bake you a cake !!

gives you some special loving on your special day

this man knows how to take his time

usually he is busy and feels like he doesn't pay enough attention to you

so he makes up for it ten fold on your birthday

grima wormtongue

for a long while your relationship is pretty casual so he doesnt even know when your birthday is

once he actually figures out when your birthday is he wants to do something special

even if he isn't the most... emotionally open person

grima has sticky fingers so he tends to be able to get a hold of things that others cant

gets you something exotic, something you might not of ever even seen before

(think, pineapples or some other middle earth equivalent delicacy)

you appreciate him going out of his way for you

makes an excuse for you to leave meduseld with him

you go up to the fields and look out at the horizon

tommy ludlow

you both bunk off work to spend the day together

he is excellent at buying present(s)

knows exactly what to get you because he's a good listener

definitely gets you a record or new clothes

neither of you have much money so all your plans are always simple

but tommy is the perfect person to just hang out with, he's so mellow when he's with you

has no plans for the day except letting you do whatever you want

you drive around the city

end up going by the natural history museum

(because both of you are actually secretly soft and love holding hands and wandering around the exhibits)

or the met (because you both know your fair share about art, working around fashion shoots all day)

that night you go to some shady dive bar

(and drink too much, if that is your thing)

tumbling in through your front door, you two were never going to make it to the bedroom

"happy birthday" he smirks against you as you both lay, tired, on the living room floor

leo nova

spends so much money on you

mostly because he likes to show off his money

("when can i treat my girl to all that she deserves if not on her birthday?")

but partly because gift giving is his love language, or at least the only way he feels comfortable showing that he cares

a new dress that costs more than the rent on your old apartment, shoes that cost twice as much

takes you to the fanciest restaurant possible

and then fucks you in the dirtiest way possible when you get home

and he can go all night long

*wink wink*

tucker cleveland

hasnt celebrated his own birthday in years so has kind of forgot that birthdays are a thing

remembers yours like 3 days before and kicks himself for leaving it so late to get you a present

(you help him out by giving hint to what you want in the run up to your birthday)

keeps the whole thing very lowkey

which you don't mind, you're not into big celebrations anyway

he does get you a gift in time, thanks to your hints

he's probably at work during the day

but after he gets home and you have dinner together, he hands over his present

although you sort of already knew what it'd be, its definitely the thought that counts with tucker

"and the best is yet to come, don't you worry" he says smiling

of course, the real present is him pounding you over the table

(because who has the time to go up to bed)

[happy-beeeps]

Broken Rules

(i dont know why this gif is so big but its so pretty so its ok credit to who made it!!!)

Pairing: heiress!readerxRex

Warnings: references of alcohol consumption!

Summary: after a night on the town, Rex takes reader for some greasy food, they both come to realize their own feelings

WC:1.3k

* * *

You’re in that impossibly tiny fuzzy pink dress and running into the door of Dex’s Diner so fast Rex is near certain if he didn’t have a hand on your waist to pull you back you would’ve collapsed into the door.

“When I said I wanted you to make friends that weren’t clones, I didn’t necessarily mean Coruscant party girls, princess.” He sighs as he steadies you outside the door. Rex had come with you and your new friends as you hit a few bars in the city center, and he’s now paying that price as he manages you, stumbling drunk and crying for a nerfburger. Still, he has to admit, the way your eyes grow large as he pulls you in and the way that the rumpled silhouette of that baby pink dress makes his heart flutter, he won’t say that this night has been all bad. “Rex. Food. Now. Please?” You offer up, melting just a touch into his gloved hands. You pushed a stray piece of hair behind your ears as he exhaled, “I’m right behind you, watch the door.”

You bound in ahead of him, head spinning from a combination of the sparkling blue liquid you drank and the lingering warmth of Rex’s touch on your side. “Hi Dex!” You exclaim, sliding into the booth you’ve occupied on a few lunches here, both with Rex and his Jedi friends. This is the first time you two find yourself here together, alone, at night, and you can’t tell if it’s the martinis you drank or that sudden realization, but your stomach is suddenly filled with butterflies. Rex is over at the bar, leaning over with his helmet tucked lazily under his arm, he’s chatting softly with Dex, and you can only wonder what about.

Across the room, Rex finds himself in a similar situation, he’s hearing Dexter, but not really listening, and he’s drawn to the way you sit on your hands and swing your legs while you’re still reeling from the night you had. He’s seen the way you look at him, especially now, eyes glittering and smile wide as you watch him. You’re sweet on him, he thinks so, but you’re kind to everyone. Frankly, he’s just surprised it’s him, Fives was always the charismatic one. Sure he doesn’t know it’s him, and frankly he doubts he’ll ever know for sure, but he could get used to the way your lazy smile and droopy eyelids hang over him.

“Rex? Cap? You still in there?” Dexter chides as he waves one of his arms in front of Rex to get his attention. He blushes an embarrassing shade of red before Dex continues, “ya know, this is a might cushy situation you’ve gotten yourself in. Protecting that one over there.”

“After so many months dealing with Skywalker and the outer rim, the GAR thought it would treat us to a little bit of a leave.”

“Hmm. I like her. Obi-Wan brought her here once, she’s never been anything but sweet as jam, she tips well too! She comes from deep pockets!” He clutched his belly as he laughed, and Rex shook his head and chuckled, “she’s different that’s for sure.”

“And something tells me by the eyes she’s been sending this way, she’s not too particular about the GAR command code either.”

* * *

Now, you find yourself daydreaming about the soft lines on his face, and the white hair that crows his head. You’ve seen his brothers, befriended them even, but nothing is quite like Rex, your dashing clone protector. Now, he’s looking even more dashing as he precariously balances two cups of caff in his hand, helmet in the other. “I have to admit it captain, this might be the best idea you’ve ever had,”

“Technically, you were the one whining about food all night.”

“I got all dressed up and pretty looking for a night out, now I deserve a reward!”

“I s’pose. Eat up, or you’ll be brutal tomorrow.”

You relaxed back into the booth as FLO came by to drop off your burger, and happily began digging in as Rex picked fries off of your plate rather coyly. You reached out across the table tracing the tiny little tally marks across the gauntlet of his armor.

“That’s not allowed,”

“Lotsa stuffs not allowed princess, doesn’t mean we don’t do it. I’m pretty sure getting you drunk out of your head and taking you for dinner at 0200 isn’t entirely allowed either.”

You groaned hearing the early time and placed your head on top of your hands. “‘M not that drunk anymore, I know what I’m doing.”

“I’m sure you do,” he laughed, sliding credits out onto the table and offering you his hand as he got up, “if you knew what you were doing you would’ve dressed more comfortable.”

“Nah, I wore this because I knew you were coming with tonight.” You said, grabbing his hand and pulling yourself out of the booth, resting for a moment at his chest. “Take me home now, please?”

* * *

Rex is punching in the key to your apartment, and you’re just ready to finally take your shoes off and lay down. Spinning around the floor with your friends had been worth it, but now all you wanted was comfort and maybe a cup of water. And Rex, always Rex. Right now, he follows you through the door, like he has dozens of times by now. It feels like a home to him now, something he hasn’t had in a while that wasn't just the barracks. He knows he can leave his helmet on the little table you have by the door, the one with all the flowers and pieces of jewelry looking for their match. He knows by now, you’ve draped yourself over the plush white couch in the center of the room, and you’re probably trying to get the holonet to work. The other thing he knows for sure, is how the realization that you might really care for him is punching him in the chest.

You poke your head up from behind the couch and brush your hair back with your hands. He’s standing behind you, so you smirk and pull his hand over to you. “C’mere please.” You ask, the slurring tone in your voice no longer from drunkenness, but a tinge of sleep and something else he can’t quite place. “You need to go to bed,” he starts, and then you’re looking at him with those big starlit eyes again.

“You know how you said lots of things aren’t allowed right? And we do them anyway”

“Right?”

“Like kill counts, or me being alone at night, or getting a nerfburger from places that aren’t Dex’s?”

“Yeah I guess-”

“Am… am I allowed?” You lean closer to him, hand resting on his armored chest as you look up at him. You wish he had taken this stupid pauldron off, that you could feel him instead of his armor. “No… no you’re not,” he said, placing a hand on your wrist, and lifting up your chin with the other, “but sometimes it’s our job to break rules that aren’t right.” He looked at you for just a moment, like he was trying to read your reaction and hesitate, but in that moment you had burst into the biggest smile and looped your arms around his neck. You brought him close and he met you in the middle, the both of you leaning in for a kiss, sweet and slow, you were both testing each other in a way, he still wasn’t certain you cared for him, you still weren’t certain he would break this rule, but in the moment neither of that mattered. When you finally broke away, he placed a hand on the side of your head to smooth your hair down and you asked, “stay tonight?”

“Of course.”

[afewmarvelousthoughts]

Stay Ch. 16

Master List

Pairing: Natasha X Reader (Female)

Summary: You have a gift, the ability to see other people’s innermost secrets. For years you used it to gather intel for the highest bidder when you take on The Widow. After she becomes more than a mark the two of you spend years stealing moments. Post snap you wait in your designated meeting place, look back on the sordid past you share with the woman you love and hope against everything that she’s still alive.

Warnings: Angst, and fluff, and feels oh my!

A/N:  So yeah I swear I wroth an authors note for this... but idfk what happened. 

ANYWAY! Thank you all for being so patient while I got my life together. This one is also short and sweet (guess that’s the mood I’m in). However, y’all should know me by now. This is just the calm before the storm. 

Hope you enjoy this one my pumpkins! 

Tags are open!

@mywinterwolf  @disagreetoagree  @breezy1415  @peachthatdrinkslemonade  @5aftermidnight@jeromethepsycho  @marvel-randomness  @daniellajocelyn  @katecolleen  @yanginginthere@wonderlandmind4 @piensa-bonito @for-the-love-of-the-fandom @lesbian-girls-wayhaught @siriuslycloudy2

March 2007

At some point in the last five months, you’d stopped recognizing yourself. The woman in the mirror wasn’t Y/N. Her hair was different, down to even the eyebrows. Her accent distinctly that of a life long Londoner. She worked for an independent UK couture fashion magazine, chose wine over whiskey, and was distinctly heterosexual.

When the chance to work this job requiring deep cover came up in December you jumped on it. You didn’t want to be you anymore. The you that couldn’t be with the woman you loved. The you that was heartbroken. The you who was beginning to doubt that you’d ever be happy. Fuck her.

Being Charlie Daniels was far better. She was, of course, a real person. Just one who was now living comfortably in the Bahamas courtesy of MI6. Even legit agencies had use of freelance talent every now and then.

Settling into her life had been easy. Not setting her boss on fire or blowing his brains out daily was a different task altogether. Turned out that a magazine was a great front for a crime empire. Lots of international travel, young and beautiful and desperate men and women, money exchanged in countless untraceable ways, on and on. And this fucker was happy to take advantage of every single disgusting avenue it opened up.

You almost had everything you needed to hand to MI6, get your obscenely large payout, and get on to another gig while they threw all of these bastards into cells to rot for the rest of their miserable lives. Just one more trip. After whatever horrible things they lay out in Tokyo you’ll be set.

Tokyo is one of those cities you can lose yourself in. Like New York but better for its interesting balance of vibrancy and grounded reserve. You absolutely love it.

The whole point of the trip, at least on the surface, was to focus on Fashion Week Tokyo. Honestly, there was a part of you that wished this was your world. Nothing but runway shows and after parties. Writing about the latest trends rather than delving into the inner workings of the worlds miscreants

Oh well. It was nice enough to pretend. You had to admit that you’d miss Charlie Daniels once you shed this skin in a couple of weeks.

You’re sitting two people down from your boss at an underground show. The level of security here screams that there are other things going on behind the scenes but it’s still a room filled with a who’s who of the Japanese and international fashion communities.

This was your third show of the day, and you knew there would be a party after where you’d have to schmooze all while plucking information from your unsuspecting fellow guests. You’re exhausted. So rather than pay much attention to the show you let your mind wander.

When she walks out you feel her rather than see her.  Slowly you turn your head to stare dumbstruck at the model walking onto the catwalk. Your heart begins beating against your ribs, your mouth goes dry, your hands shake.

It takes every ounce of control you have to keep your emotions in. To not scream “Natasha!” at the top of your lungs. To not grab her and run for the hills. Charlie Daniels and her easy life be damned. It’s hard but you manage.

As she turns and comes back down, passing now closer to you, her eyes don’t graze  the crowd at all. Head up, shoulders back, she walks the runway like she’d been doing it for years.

The rest of the show is maybe ten minutes but it feels like years. You know the models are all attending the party. Eye candy for the high end guests.

It’s fairly easy to ditch your coworkers in the crowd as you try to find the best vantage point in the room without being too obvious. After a solid twenty minutes, you find yourself planning an escape route. Most of the models are milling about but she’s no where to be seen. You will find her.

But you know you can’t skip out just yet. At the bar, you order a red wine and make yourself seen. Charlie would never miss the whole party after all. You spend a bit chatting with designers and a few models, feigning interest in the whole thing until you hear your boss call out to you.

“Oy, Charlie!” Carl’s voice alone makes you want to put him down. When you turn he’s waving you over to the bar. Sighing heavily you head over.

You’re about ten feet away when you see her, head back laughing at something Carl or his friend had said. Both men are far to close to her for your liking and the hungry look on Carl’s face sets your blood boiling.

He slings an arm around your shoulders and you carefully coach your face to not show disgust. “Charlie here is my best writer. Doin’ some pieces for us on this whole thing,” he waves his other hand around wildly.

“Good to meet ya, Charlie, I’m Dan,” the other man, clearly American says.

“Likewise,” Natasha doesn’t react to the accent at all.

“This here is-”

“Natalie,” Natasha cuts him off, extending a hand to you. Holding her eyes with yours you take it. It’s like touching a live wire.

“Natalie is an American model working here in Japan. May be a good topic for a piece.” He ribs you leaning closer, “And a good piece for the office eh?” Suddenly that MI6 money seems far less appealing.

“I’d love that,” Natasha beams. “Why don’t you guys go mingle and Charlie and I can chat!” The men exchange a glance, but there’s plenty of fresh meat around to sink their teeth into.

Carl flashes you a greasy smile and a wink as he walks away. Thinking clearly that you’re going to snare this woman for him. You, unfortunately, had a few others. Not something you were proud of. Demands of the job you told yourself.

“She’ll take a vodka neat,” you tell the bartender.

“Yes,” Natasha smiles at him, “Whiskey for her. Makers if you have it.” He thinks nothing of it and makes your drinks.

“So, how’s modeling in Japan?”

“Probably about as good as writing for a sleazy jackal.”

You laugh, “That bad? What’s the goal.”

“Getting a cover,” you commend the clever word play.

“That’s a good goal. Long term?”

“Something like that.” She takes a sip of her vodka, “How long are you here?”

“End of the week.” Your skin itches to touch her. The men are rounding back. You hold her gaze and shift your eyes back to them. She catches on.

“Perfect! It’s so hard to have a good interview here, don’t you think?”

“Absolutely. Why don’t you come by my hotel?” You whip out your spare key card. “I’d love to get your story for the mag, maybe do a full feature.”

“A feature would be excellent exposure!”

“Wouldn’t it?” Carl slides up next to her. “We can get you all the exposure you could want Ms. Natalie.”

“Charlie was telling me all about it.” She flashes him a coy smile. “Thank you so much Charlie! I forgot I have a late fitting tonight for another show so I’ve got to run. But we’ll chat soon yeah?”

“Absolutely! It was so good to meet you Natalie.”

“Same! Bye!” She hurries through the crowded room and disappears.

“Busy girl.” Carl quips. “Whiskey?” You look down at the glass by your hand.

“Some guy sent them over,” you gesture to Natasha’s lipstick stained glass. “Seemed rude to refuse. Can’t stand the stuff though.”

“That’s a mans drink,” Carl laughs at his own perceived joke and you force a smile.

Somehow you make it through the rest of the evening. You’d refused to allow yourself to hope that she’d be here, too obvious to come the same night, better to wait. Kicking off your shoes you head straight to the mini bar and crack open a whiskey, downing it in one gulp.

“You really need to be more careful,” Natasha’s voice comes from the bathroom. “I mean not even checking around. Sloppy.”

“Charlie Daniels doesn’t have to check for Russian assassins in her bathroom,” a smile pulls your face so tight it hurts.

“Well, Natalie Rushman isn’t a Russian spy. So…”

You let your real accent resurface as you pull her into your arms, “Natalie Rushman, I don’t know if that’s clever or lazy.” She kisses you hard, tongue sliding over your lips hands gripping your ass.

“Mmm,” she hums. “Kinda like the accent.”

“Oh?” You revert to the clipped posh Londoner sound. “Would you rather be with Charlie? I hate to break it to you, she’s strictly into dick so you may need to get a bit creative.”

Natasha’s head falls back with laughter, “I’m always into a challenge but,” she cups your face in her hands, “I’d much rather Y/N, she’s got a cute accent too.” Your kiss is soft this time, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, honey.” Gently you push a strand of hair out of her face. “Is this smart? Are you gonna get-”

“I’m good. I wouldn’t be here if I thought there was risk.” She pulls away and tugs you toward the bed. “There’s no surveillance on me here, I check in every week, that’s it. This is strictly to build a cover.”

“Cover for what?” She gives you a sideways glance. “Right. National security.”

“Do you really want to talk about work?”

Smirking at her you push her back on the bed. “Maybe later.”

You lean down to her but she stops you by planting a strappy heel in the center of your chest. Trailing your fingers down her leg you snag a knife from her thigh holster. Carefully you slide the blade under the straps, the incredibly sharp edge cuts through the thin suede like it’s nothing.

“Those were very expensive you know,” eyes sparkling with desire.

You slip the shoe off and toss it aside. “I’ll buy you a new pair.” Your lips press against her ankle.  

Everything in your life until her was so fleeting. Even your own name, the sound of your own voice, who you were… But with her, you were grounded. You weren’t anything but her’s, you were Y/N.

Suddenly you’re overwhelmed. Caressing her muscular calf you just stare at her eyes. Emerald green, dark liner, lids heavy with lust and exhaustion.

“Natasha…” Your voice cracks and you fight for composure.

“Y/N? What is it?” She shoots up, cradling your face in her hands.

You shake your head, unable to really find the words and unwilling to send this storm of emotions to her. “I just…” You cover her hands with your own. It’s not that you don’t want her, you do. But…

“Can we just… I just wanna hold you…” Her expression immediately softens, eyes sparkling a touch with tears. “Sorry… I… I just…”

“I’d love that, baby.” Tenderly her lips brush yours, then your cheeks, your forehead, your eyelids as they flutter closed.

You shed your clothes and crawl into the plush bed. Holding tight to one another you spend hours drifting in and out of sleep, covering the other with soft kisses. Before the sun rises your hands wander southward.

This time you don’t fuck one another senseless. It feels like you’re trying to memorize every curve, every sound, every subtle thing that marks being together. You both know you many not get to do this for some time. The knowledge aches but it doesn’t make having her any less sweet.

Post Snap

You lean your head back on the wall behind the booth. The crying man from last night is gone, you find yourself hoping that he’s resting peacefully somewhere… even though you know it’s pointless to hope for such things.

There are more people filling the bar than there was before. The TVs are off, radios turned up, reporters frantically trying to determine what happened. It was global, that was clear. All planes grounded, trains stopped, communications spotty due to damaged cell towers.

A man speaks frantically to someone who seems to be a friend that he was heading to Nuremberg from Budapest, how the roads are almost not navigable. He doesn’t know if his family is even still there but he has to find out.

Despite his distress, your lips curl a bit at the mention of Budapest.

[gg-astrology]

hi!! i love your interpretations of sun-moon combos so i was wondering what you thought of sagittarius sun and leo moon together, if u have the time to answer? thank you, and i hope that you're having a great day!!

Hey there! 💕💕 Aaaaah thank u!! 💕💕 I’ll do my best! 💕

[Below Cut: Sagittarius Sun - Leo Moon  🌤]

These people are much more sensitive than you realize they are

Because of their sun/moon they can be prone to moodiness, sometimes sulking and you have to figure out what it is you did (they’ll tell you eventually if you don’t have any clues, but they want you to have more awareness of them, or like, self-awareness of yourself and what you’re paying attention to sometimes-- concerned)

They’re babies-- most of the time they’re significantly moodier when it comes to you not recognizing their skills or realizing something they did (got ignored)

Although it can be accidental, if it means a lot to them they can’t help but get a little disheartened by it (they know they know, just--- let them get it out of their system)

These people however, outside of their initial lil sulking session-- are honorable and rather tolerant individually

They’re the kind of people who has-- intuitive knowledge of humanity, with Sagittarius being philosophical and Leo being personal/material-- it’s a good combination for someone who can easily accept and understand ‘human flaws’ in other people, and teach them how to accept them as well (self-acceptance)

Like, if you feel bad about making a mistake that was out of your control. They’re the type to look at you straight in the eye, shrug and says ‘it’s ok, it’s normal. People do this all the time, we can get past it.’

Straight forward and somewhat blunt, people are touched by their personable and often friendly approach to others. 

However, they themselves seems kind of unaware of this point of view towards them. Their natural popularity is always in the background to their own vision, their own goals and views on things.

Thus, in a way they’re humble because they’re oblivious kjnfkjdn 

It’s not a bad thing, they tend to get a little shier and more overwhelmed if the realize people are admiring them for something other than their brains. Flustering and although they are happy about it, they may feel that it ‘distracts’ them from the bigger parts of life (they are a Sagittarius after all)

These people are rather innocent no matter how old they get, they retain a sense of honor to them-- strong integrity that comes from experience (contemplation and sometimes mistakes) that they carry with them 

(It strengthen them somewhat, they are not soft people by any means. They’re just very humane and caring for others-- as we all should be so take note)

Although they’re the type to look at the positive things (when others are leaning negative, because they like being contradictory like that) they aren’t idiots. They work out the formal, do the hard work/pull and use their natural sense of charm/appeal to make it applicable for everyone around them to understand (thus why they’re so popular, they don’t ‘gate-keep’ certain things from people nor believe in not sharing knowledge as long as it’s done responsibly and with thoughtfulness put into it--- considerate and caring)

Unlike the usual Sagittarius counterparts, these people have a lil more energetic force in their essence. They may be a lil adventurous with themselves, going on search and pilgrimage to find their own ‘self-realization’ and figure out who they are through the process (the type to benefit or take gap years, go backpacking somewhere ksdjnf experience culture and nature and everything in between)

With Leo-- they ground the Sagittarius usually moody/inconsistent manner (bc of it’s mutable signature) -- the person becomes more realistic, more fixed on their expectations, goals, desire.

They may be prone to enjoying lazy days more, luxuriating or enjoying the wealth they accumulated. Leo are hard-workers, but they also play as hard as they get (sometimes more, they believe in efficiency. If you can work and gain more benefit, then it’s good work. Especially if it’s honorable and respectable.) 

These people can be up-beat when they want to be, maybe even somehow play it up socially so others responds well to them. They may not know consciously but they know that people tend to respond more affirmatively when it’s a ‘positive’ change instead of a negative one (so tone/voice/shade/demenour is important, and they often take note of this).

One thing to caution these people in is that because they’re happy-go-lucky, pleasure-seeking and self-indulgence (somewhat) they can be prone to making bad judgements or not knowing how to deal with pit falls in their life.

Things--- let’s be real here, things come easier to them than most. They have the smarts and generosity of Sagittarius and the bravery and ‘self’ of Leo. So a lot of the type, that’s the type of energy they attract people to them with (subconsciously)

Thus, they don’t know how other people may suffer/face their own inner demons. Some worse than others. They don’t really know (truly) know what’s its like to live a life in someone else’s shoes.  Every problem is solvable to them, and where they lack judgement is in their self-contemplation.

They’re mostly wrapped up, with things they can feel, hear, learn in the world. Their natural world, again like the distraction of how others see them vs how they’re focused on. Being too focused on your own goal, you dont really tend to care or realize how other people live. Nor really putting yourself in another person’s shoe realistically.

There’s lessons to be learnt here, about integrity that you want to embody/truly be about. It’s that you have to a pay a toll.

You have to actually experience the hardship, without a way out or an ‘escape’ route to who you are again (retreating back into the ‘self’) because this is somebody else’s life. This is real, and it’s not a game. It’s not something for people who has the courage or charisma to talk willy nilly about and not understand a single significant thing about it because they’ve never had a day in their life living with the same hardship in their position. 

Make sure your Leo doesn’t get defensive, or Sagittarius flighty when confronted with the cold hard truth. If you want to seek self-realization, you got to find it by taking the lessons of Saturn.

Capricorns or Aquarius friends of yours. Are going to help you realize how other people may have it. A change in perspective, this is where you’ll grow best.

Instead of optimism and slight realism, you’ll gain the whole perspective. You have to be able to absorb the truth, whether it’s good or mostly bad. And that’s-- where your true strength will lie.

Whether you suffer, or will come through like a blazing sun will be up to you (you will come through though, it just might take time cause Leo’s slow)  

The most important lesson here is that you cannot help yourself/others if you cannot face the Truth. The truth of others, the truth of the situation. The truth of the whole entire idea or concept. Because that’s what’s going to make the most impact, the consequences of your action. The realistic nature of it is going to be jarring, but ultimately-- it’ll give you a leg to grow onto and walk forward with in life.

Aaaah that’s all I have for Sagittarius/Leo! 💕 I hope this is good for you!! 💕💕

[grace-evelyn]

Diary entry 2

Tuesday 26th March 2019

Before I start I just want to make sure that everyone is on the same page and has the same understanding about my job and my industry.

I do not need to be saved, I have chosen to work in this industry and in this job. The only hardship I experience from this job is from outsiders judging.

My job does not define me as a person, it does not make me anything other than a young girl who is confident, extroverted and ambitious. I have worked in retail, sales and hospitality and I still do social media management work and sales every now and then.

I do not come from a broken home and I do not have ‘daddy issues’. These stereotypes are so untrue to my industry and ESPECIALLY the club that I work in.

The men that enter my workplace are not all ‘creeps’ and ���disgusting’, in fact I have met some of the most incredible people through my work place and I have learnt so much from these people too. I enjoy most of my customers company, they are paying for a service, therefore they are respectful of the women they are paying. I have met elite athletes, actors, singers and CEO’s through work. People make the assumption that dirty hobos come into my workplace- but would this kind of person be able to afford $50 for a 10 minute dance? Or $400 for 1 hour of my time? No, hence why my customers are not disgusting and I do not hate dancing for them or talking to them.

LEARNING TO DANCE/ BEING CONFIDENT ON STAGE

When I first got a job as a dancer I was so nervous but I have always been very confident in bathers/ underwear so that part was okay for me. Tbh if you’re not comfortable in your own skin then you shouldn’t even think about this job. I’ve always been an attention whore and I love being on stage and the centre of attention so that helped too. I did dancing when I was in school but I’d never done pole. I had a 2 hour private pole dancing class at pole princess in the city, I learnt about grip, a few basic spins and how to climb the pole. It was really hard and frustrating but I was happy that I at least knew the basics.

My first night I was sooo nervous and I wore the tackiest outfit lol I also hadn’t bought proper pole shoes so I was wearing a pair of cheap lipstick heels all night.

They gave us a few free glasses of champagne which helped me to Loosen up, when it was my turn I felt a lot better and I actually killed it. The girls said I was a little fast but that is super common for baby strippers. After that I felt fine and couldn’t wait to go on again!

It’s super important to watch what the other girls do on stage and to listen to the music. One of the older girls told me that i had a good body so I didn’t need to move too much, I could be more sensual and it didn’t matter about pole tricks. I think my biggest advice is that audience intersection is your best friend!!! I am all about face and looking into customers eyes- this works so well to build a connection with them without even speaking to them.  

It definitely takes time and I highly recommend watching YouTube videos on how to pole dance just so you know the basics. Also when it’s quiet that’s the best time to practice

2. HOW IT WORKS

every club is different and has different rules, I am so lucky to work at the best club in Melbourne and possibly even Australia- The Men’s Gallery. We are hired as subcontractors and we pay a house fee to work. On weeknights we pay $80 and on weekends we pay $120. Each club charges different amounts though. At men’s we are a non touching club, which means that men are not allowed to touch us at all (with little exceptions like arms or legs), however there are more and more clubs now that are allowing touching in dances. No, we do not offer ‘extras’ and if there are girls doing this in the club they will be fired on the spot.

We make our money from dances and VIP bookings, dances are 3 minutes for $20, 10 minutes for $50, half an hour shower room for $250 and one hour for $400. We’ve just introduced new VIP rooms so we now have a karaoke room and a shower room which is so fun.

The club doesn’t take a cut from what we make but some clubs do.

3. HIRING PROCESS

Again- every club is different but I have worked at four different clubs so I do have an understanding of the main processes of each club. I am 99% sure that no club will ever make you ‘audition’ on stage. However I have heard rumours of spearmint doing this. Most clubs will just run through a few basic questions like whether you’ve danced before and whether you understand the rules, have pole experience etc. it’s pretty chill. They’ll then ask you to take your clothes off and they’ll take a photo of you in your underwear and that’s pretty much it. At men’s they’ll either hire you on the spot or leave you hanging or give you a trial shift. It is really competitive these days and there are always new girls in and out. They can also fire you with 0 notice for whatever reason they want. If management doesn’t like you then they’ll just stop letting you roster on, this ha the same at every club.

4. THE GIRLS

A lot of people always ask me if it’s really catty/ competitive at men’s and I just want to say that all through school I always struggled to get along well with girls and I hated going to an all girls school. But working at men’s I’ve never had so many female friends and I’ve never felt so welcome and warm in a community of women. It is really like a family. However, it did take me at least a year to feel fully comfortable and confident in the change rooms as it can be very intimidating and loud. As a new dancer you can’t just waltz into the changerooms and expect everyone to be your friend because to be honest we don’t really like any new girls at first. You’re fresh meat and you don’t fully understand how everything works. So it’s a really good idea to lay low until you’re welcomed fully. Try to avoid making friends early as well because you want to focus on hustling and making money and the moment you have friends you get lazy!! Also friends always equal drama, that’s unavoidable and you don’t need that at your work place. Be friendly with everyone but avoid getting too close too soon.

5. TIPS

SAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY. SAVE IT. JUST DO IT. the money you make when you’re a baby stripper will be the easiest money you’ll ever make so fucking make a savings account and put at least $1000 in a week. That’s easy to do. I only started doing this after a year and I regretted it. I know this is like really shocking but you actually don’t need to go to Nobu 3 times a week or buy expensive cocktails every time you go out. Live like you still make $20 an hour at maccas.

GET AN ACCOUNTANT. I’ll never forget when my mate turned around to me and goes ‘what are taxes??’ This bitch had been working in the industry for over a year. If you’re depositing your cash into the bank every week the ATO is gonna come for you. Get a dodgy ass stripper accountant and pay ur taxes. Also get an ABN.

Some strippers live week by week which I don’t get, the golden rule to saving and making money is to make more money than you spend. So if you’re living like a fukn queen and you have $0 in your bank by the end of the week you need to either roster on for another shift or you need to calm the fuk down on the bags and dinners.

DONT PAY FOR YOUR PARTNER. I learnt this the hard way, I didn’t realise I was spending so much on my ex until I was fully over him. Dinners, presents, tickets, drinks, holidays. Everything. If he guilt trips you into spending your money on him because he doesn’t like what you do then DUMP HIM. your partner should love you for you and understand that your job doesn’t define you as a person. WORK IS WORK. Stop guilt spending, save your cash because you may not even be with this person forever like you think you will be, and I promise you’ll feel like an idiot in the end.

LOVE YOURSELF, TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF. breaks and holidays are a necessity to avoid stripper burnout. Yes that is a thing and yes it will kill you. This job is tough both mentally and physically and it will affect you in the long run. You need to be proactive in taking care of your body and your mind. No that doesn’t mean drinking alcohol or taking drugs to forget, that means going away for a weekend, doing yoga, having a night in, spending time with family.

[m-i-y-o-k-i]

2017 was utter shit and lemmie tell ya why bois

tw // drugs, abuse, sexual abuse, general bad stuff

first, my mom’s addiction gor worse, to the point she stole money and was arrested several times, even kidnapping my sister and i when we wanted to stay with my dad. driving us down some highway and swerving everywhere. she didnt care. she never has.

her high makes her more…well, not violent but bad towards me. hitting me or taking swings at me. emotionally abusing me by saying im an embarrassment to her – how she wishes i was never born, how she hates the way i am. that took a toll on me to hear every fuckin’ week.

second, dad lost his job. we havent had money to pay for shit. who knows how many times our electricity was shut off. who knows how many days we’ve gone without food, who knows how many times we’ve gone without basic stuff.

and he still wont help himself or get a job because hes a lazy fuck. he just sits and eats what little we have. all to himself and brags “oh lol my gf is gonna give ME money”.

he’s emotionally abusive. comstantly puts me down – “youre a failure” “guess whos a college drop out?” “get a job you fat fuck” “are you a d*ke? why dont you hang out with boys?” “fucking f*ga is all you watch, you must be one – gross”

combined, my parents stole from me. im native, when i turn 18 i get some money to help with school or whatever i want. i got this money long after i turned 18, in feb. my parents guilt tripped me to hell and back, “its for bills” “its for food” – and used it on their own needs. clothes, shoes, shows, casinos, drugs.

that fucked me up and just…wow, how can a parent do that?

third, there was a senior trip we took in may. about two weeks before graduation. during it, we had to room together in a motel. my class is full of rowdy and rough kids who give no fucks about anyone or anything.

my roomate for the trip threw a party in our room when i asked her not to. she didnt listen, half of our class drinking, smoking weed, making out.

while i was asleep they thought it’d be funny to pull up my shirt and fuck with my body. phones out and recording, they got as far as unhooking my bra before i woke up. one of the guys pinning my arms down as i trashed about and yelled at them to stop. the yelling got the attention of a chaprone who made everyone go back to their rooms.

they told me to keep quiet about the incident because “the schools already in hot water, we’ll keep them away from you. besides, you graduate in two weeks.”

fourth, i didnt get to go to college bc i had no way to pay. the money i got from the tribe was going to go towards that. but alas, druggie mommy and adulterous daddy said no and used it all.

i had to cancel everything and stay at home, with two abusive ass people who wont let me forget the fact “hahaha you were so close to leaving, better luck next year.”

fifth, my depersonalization and depression are rearing their ugly heads really hard. i try to be happy for everyone – but i even exploded at one of my best friends when they have it bad. i was selfish to do that. i’ve had multiple break downs on almost every blog i run, all my so called friends abandoned me after high school. so why would they start up again after so long and under the circumstances im in??

all anyway cares about me is i write and draw stuff that either gets them off or makes them laugh. who cares about bri as a person huh?! who cares if shes suicidal and depressed?! write more for the owly blog!! draw more for the owly blog!! write another ficlet for the ego blog!! draw more for ego blog!!

draw even though your art is horrible in your eyes and you wanna chop your hands off when you do!!

write even though you know its bad and wants to make you claw your eyes out when you do!!

who cares if youre having a breakdown?? give us your money, we’re your parents and its right no matter what!!

who cares if you wanna die everyday and wish you could magically go to sleep and never wake up? go get a job!! stress is good!!

who cares if youre fucking poor and cant barely get a meal every other day? go to school!! it’ll make you poorer but at least youre fitting in with kids your age!!

who

fucking

cares.

[meanderfall]

//pops out from under your desk, 1 - 3 - 5 - 9 - 13 - 14 - 17 - 19 - 23 - 28 - 29 - 31 - 34 - 37 - 40 - 41 - 45 - 47 - 51 - 52 - 55 - 56 - 59 - 67 - 68 - 69 - 72 - 75 - 79 - 80 - 83 - 93 - 95 - 99 - aaaaand 100!! its a lot (even more than YOU sent ME i think) so feel free to skip some if u dont wanna do them!!

I DID IT!!!! IN YOUR FACE!!! (i love u, i dont mean that. for the most part.)

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

I actually don’t mind, even like it, when my cereal gets all soggy from milk, but if you think for a single moment im going to drown my cereal in milk, you are a mad man. Besides, I fill my bowl up past the rim, so it’s basically physically impossible for there to be more milk than cereal.

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

you fool…. you underestimate my power…. i dont bookmark my page, i just remember the page number i was on

(When I was a kid, I would dog-ear the pages, but I think my brother got mad at me for doing that to his books, so i moved on to using tissues and then paperclip or magnetic bookmarks, and then keeping track of that shit was too much effort, so now i just remember the page number instead)

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

nay, friend! But I am self-conscious about my laugh… it’s… loud, as you might have noticed by now. To the point that a lot of my classmates just knew who I was because of my laugh.

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

An easy way to tell if I’m in not having a good day is if I’m not singing or humming something. I grew up surrounded by people who love singing or whistling or humming, so it’s what I do. (I say people, but the main culprits were my dad and older brother.)

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

*whispers* getting a message from you…

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

ummm, there would need to be a separate room with sound-proofing for her piano and bird. I’d imagine there would be bookshelves on every wall, filled with so many books like goddamn. A couch and tv would be necessary for gaming. Im sure the place would be filled with her art projects (she once built a chair out of recyclable items for the end of year project!!!). She would probably want to have houseplants, bc she’s outdoorsy like that (disgusting i know). I don’t really care about wall colours, so she would probably pick and i would just voice my opinion if i really didn’t like the colour. She would probably bring paintings too. This question is too hard, i legit do not care at all about how my apartment would look, please. you would understand if you saw my room, just how little i truly care.

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

A purplish-red! Like so:

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

If you mean a journal where I keep all my thoughts and feelings in, then no, i do not. I have an app for that. If you mean a writing journal, then yes i have one, though i barely touch it tbh. I just scribble ideas and sometimes outlines, or even plan out history and culture for the fantasy worlds i create. I don’t really draw, unless im trying to create a map.

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

well if today is anything to go by, it’s sleeping. I also like binge-watching comfort shows like Friends.

28: sunrise or sunset?

Sunset. They’re prettier to me and give off a different feeling than sunrises. It’s peaceful, a bit melancholy, and soft. a reminder that i’ve made it through another day and it’s time to rest.

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

i have this friend that i play overwatch with who likes to shout LMAO whenever they do something cool or badass that’s also completely ridiculous (like, say, making a goal in lucioball from their own goal)

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

socks are socks. they keep my toesies and feetsies warm, though i usually prefer to go barefoot, bc wearing socks implies that im going to wear shoes which means im going to leave the house which ew. i literally do not give a fuck what colour they are, as long as they do their job, so i got bright colourful socks, dark socks, and just plain white socks. i only wear my socks to bed when im too lazy to take them off at the end of the day and just end up forgetting that im even wearing them, though i don’t like it too much when i do that because my feet feel dried out afterwards. i have a pair of thick wooly socks that are dark blue with patterns of white snowflakes on them that i wear during winter, especially on days when im wearing my onesie.

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

I didn’t have one. I mean, I had stuffed animals, but cuddling something that small when I was a kid was impossible for me to do. They just got in the way. The only thing I’ve ever shared my bed with besides blankets and pillows was my cat.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

pls go see drace’s ask im sorry i dont want to write it all again or copy and paste it.

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

my aunt on my dad’s side visited one summer. she brought me two necklaces, both that i adore. One is a choker with real gold beads that used to belong to my grandmother, my dad’s mom. I never met her, she died long before any of the kids were born, so i consider very special, beyond the fact that it’s expensive and elegant. It’s pretty much the only connection i have to her.

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

John Dies at the End!!! Along with Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits, written by the same author!!! There’s so much character just from the narration, i wish i could write like that!! and it’s surprisingly deep too, i cannot recommend the two enough!!

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

i suppose i do, considering the few times i didn’t, my instincts ended up being completely right. 

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

drace’s ask pls.

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

I hate the fact that I immediately started thinking of characters instead of a person. Anyway, Hush by Emeline makes me think of @anthcny-stark

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

the distracted boyfriend is a definite fave. The floor is… is also pretty good. i thought roll safe and the white guy blinking was from 2016 but apparently not, and i quite enjoy them. i dont know if the reaction image of the dude saying “why would you say something so controversial yet so brave?” counts as meme, but i love a lot. all the other memes of 2017 are Bad.

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

I don’t know if this counts… But, at some point in high school, I got sick, with a fever at around 102, and like, I guess I wanted to prove that my family doesn’t actually care about me, and so, I didn’t say a word about being sick. I wanted to see if they would notice for themselves. I also didn’t take any kind of medication for it.

They did not notice. Which either proves that they pay little attention to me or I’m just a really really good actor. Or I spend little time with them.

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

…………………………………….. i’ll be honest, i dont pay enough attention to other people in order to answer this, i spend most of my life in my own head and i ignore everyone. It’s kind of fun though, to see what other people do while on the train? Some people are texting, or playing games on their phones or listening to music. Others are reading. Some are just staring out the window, lost in thought, and others are hard at work on their laptops. It’s interesting, it’s like getting a hint of what kind of person they are just based on what they do.

59: what’s your favorite myth?

i don’t know and i don’t care, next! (nah seriously, i used to be into mythology, by i havent read a myth in so long and i really don’t care enough to go and find one i like)

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

see drace’s ask

68: what’s winter like where you live?

Cold!!! and windy. And so much goddamn snow, holy shit. And it lasts for months, like the snow lasts all the way to April some times. It’s very pretty though, and peaceful and i like it.

69: what are your favorite board games?

Sorry! is probably the one i like the most. though tbh, i didnt play a lot of board games.

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

see drace’s ask

75: tell us about your pets!

pls go and see my answer on drace’s ask for the love of god im not rewriting all of that

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

One time, there was only two chocolate and white chocolate chip cookies left, so i let my younger two siblings have them, and they each decided to split their cookie in half and gave me a half, so i ended up with an entire cookie.

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

Three of them are white and one of them is like crimson. I did not choose this, the room came like that, and we never painted it a different colour.

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

I sure do like the album art for Atlas: Space 2 by Sleeping at Last and Atlas: Light.

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

Well, when I had long hair, I would usually wear it in a ponytail. My hair is too short for that now, so I just let it loose with its natural curls.

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

ummm probably play overwatch with you??? idk man, i dont have school anymore or a job, so im just stuck in this horrible in-between moment with no purpose or goals and i might lose it if i don’t find something soon.

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

In a Big Country by Big Country, Riptide by Vance Joy, Carry Your Throne by Jon Bellion, Saturn by Sleeping at Last,  Fear by Apsley, Exorcism by Clairity, Brian Wilson by Barenaked Ladies, Which Witch by Florence + The Machine, Pinch Me by Barenaked Ladies, Pompeii by Bastille, A Chance of Rain by Bedouin Soundclash, Gems by birthday, The Kids Aren’t Alright by Fall Out Boy, My Heart’s Grave by Faouzia, 100 Years by Five for Fighting, You Found Me by The Fray, Ready Aim Fire, I’m So Sorry, Believer, Dream, and Thunder Imagine Dragons, Irresistible Force by Jane’s Addiction, Money by Mystery Skulls, Afraid by The Neighbourhood, Just to Get High by Nickelback (which is weird considering i cant relate to this song like at all)This Afternoon, How You Remind Me, and Just For by NickelbackMy Demons, and Starlight by StarsetGo To War by Nothing MoreLose It, and All We Do by Oh WonderCounting Stars, and Secrets by OneRepublicWait For ItEmperor’s New Clothes by Panic! at the DiscoSOS, and Montreal by Raine MaidaStand by Rascal FlattsWhen the Truth Hunts You Down by Sam TinneszFall by Serena RyderStitches bby Shawn MendesSecond Chance by ShinedownEverybody by StabiloPieces by Sum 41Kings by Tribe SocietyKitchen Sink by Twenty One PilotsBeautiful Day, and Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of by U2Shut Up and Dance, and Anna Sun by Walk the MoonUnsteady by X AmbassadorsEast of Eden, and 1965 by Zella DayBe Like That by 3 Doors Down

There!!! I went through every song i downloaded to pick out the songs that resonated with my soul. (I’m not touching by Spotify though lmao it would take at least five hours)

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

Like. Going into the past would be nice because then I could redo all of the mistakes I made, and hopefully, I’d be in a better position than I am now. However, going through paths I’ve tread before sounds like it would suck a lot, and I’m much more curious about the future! What has changed? What is my life like then? Have I moved out? Do I have a job? A job I like? Did I make friends? What’s the political climate??? Going to the future would be much more interesting!!

[drowning-in-shipss-blog]

So I know that there are a lot of people who would like a peek into my brain, because it's ducking weird. No one asked for it or they don't want it here but I'm doing it anyway. So here are the parts of my crazy brain. I'm gonna make them into characters to make it easier and it entertains me. Okay lets start.

Rationality: And I'm awake. I wish I got more sleep last night. Glasses glasses, glasses! There we are. And grab your phone there we go. Get ready for school. Meh this one is fine. And these jeans. Okay we're changing shirts again that's fine. Hair is fine. You don't need a hat. Okay you need a hat that's fine. No makeup today. Okay maybe just eyeliner. Shit it's time to leave. Grab some food you need it. You have everything let's go. The door is locked walk away. The door is locked walk away. THE DOOR IS LOCKED JUST LIKE THE PAST FOUR TIMES YOU TRUED ITS LOCKED. And walk to school. This is fine see? Beautiful day. No don't kick that rock. Don't chase that rock to kick it. It's gone stop looking for it. No don't pick up that roly poly. Leave it alone. No dont follow that butterfly. Jesus it's just a car don't freak out. PAY ATTENTION WHEN YOU CROSS THE STREET NOT DYING IS MORE IMPORTANT THEN THAT FUCKING ROCK. And school. Sit down. Don't fall asleep. Just focus. later coz I'm lazy I have to pee. Raise your hand and ask. You're not a burden. Just ask. There you go. Ask. ASK. Finally. Just go pee. The lock is locked you're fine. Stop checking it. See? All better. Wash your hands. Okay good nice and clean. No don't wash them again you already did. No dammit stop. Fine but only this time. Done. Dammit not again. Okay last time. There we go- never mind we're doing this again. Okay see- oh whatever might as well make it five times. Just open the door. Don't twist the handle over and over please. Not that hard. And here we go again. Why can't you be normal? Okay fine but no more than five times. Open the door. No they're not gonna laugh at you. They don't care. They probably didn't hear. Just walk outside. There you go. See? Easy. Now just focus. Breathe. Let's get to work. Just sit down at your desk and take notes. Get your pencil out. Paper on the desk. Wait to take notes. Stop tapping. It's annoying. People are gonna start looking at you. When did I start biting the side of my finger? I should stop. Don't bite your nails. Stop tapping your pencil. Please. There you go. Now they're talking. Listen. Okay now take notes. Wait why is this a story? This doesn't have anything to do with the topic. Flip the page. Try again. Stop doodling. They're not whispering about you. Stop humming. That's off topic. Just take notes. Please take notes. There's the bell. Let's just go home. Everything is in your bag, no stop checking you have every- YOU HAVE EVERYTHING STOP! Okay and open the door. Don't chase that rock. Not again. And we're home. Unlock the door. Unlock it. It's locked unlock it. There we go. Open the door. Take off your shoes. Lock the door. It's locked. It's locked. It's LOCKED. Finally Jesus. Let's get to work. Okay fine tv and work. Focus. Focus. FOCUS. No more TV. And we're finished. And bathroom time. And we're done. Oops bumped the hand soap. Don't freak out. Don't freak out. D O N T F R E A K O U T. And we've recovered. Fix it. And we're done. Let's go to bed. Pjs, feed rats, plug in phone, turn on laptop to watch tv, and relax. Okay time to sleep. Heavy eyes yesssss. No that won't happen. No that's irrelevant. I don't care how you spell that. That word is normal. Sigh, not much sleep tonight I guess.

ADHD: Annnnnnd open eyes! Why is everything blurry I can't see!! O wait I wear glasses. And grab the phone. OOOOOOH NOTIFICATIONS. I should get dressed. I wonder if bees are like the ones in Bee Movie? Ooooh I want some honey. Let's see if we have honey toast. How do toasters work? I should look that up. Biting the side of my thumb hurts but it's nice. singing literally my life! Get up up up up up. This shirt. No this one! No I like this one! How do they make shirts? I could make shirts. How do you make cotton? Ooooh cotton candy. Pants pants pants. I should sing everything I'm doing!!!! Breakfasttttt. Oh wait hat. Eyeliner!! I'm bored of makeup let's go eat. Shit I'm out of tea. Yikesssss. Who made the word yikes? Tap tap tap. I don't want to eat anything we have. Okay let's have toast that's fast. Ooooh writing idea! Annnnd it's gone time for toast. School school time for school. And walking. Feet feet feet. I wonder if butterflies can walk on their back feet but choose not to. I loveeeeeeee the color blue. Oh there's a rock!! Kick it. Too far. Go get it. Kick kick kick. I wish I still played soccer. Dance break. Cross walk time woo. Ooooh there's a pretty piece of- ahhh a car! What did I need to get from the store? Oh school! skip I HAVE TO URINATE. singing again U- R-I-N-a-T-E I have to PEE I have to pee! I HAVE TO P DOUBLE E! Hand up! Bathroom time. Touch the lockers. Bathroom door. How do you make doors- I want a cat. I'm allergic to cats. Math is fun- bees- singing woooooooo. All done peeing high five me! Hands hands wash your hands. All clean. What was that cute girls name? Sitting down my butt already hurts. And pencil. Flutter the paper. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. Bite my finger again woot. What are nails made of? Rhino horns. I want a rhino hor- what if I was in Jack and the beanstalk? Pigmentation is weird so I have freckles. I love to dance! singing again BUT IM ONLY HUMAN!!! AND I BLEED WHEN I FALL DOWN IM ONLY HUMAN! AND I CRASH- I CRASHED MY CAR INTO THE BRIDGE I DONT CARE- I DONT CARE IF YOUVE GOT HER IN YOUR HEART ALL I REALLY CARE IS THAT YOURE BACK- BABY GOT BACK. What was I doing again? Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. Don't look at me you fucking perv. This desk is so smooth yasssssss. Tap tap tippity tap. I wanna be a lion so I can sleep a lot. Or a cheetah so I can run. I wish I could focus. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH is that a dog? Oh they're talking. LETS WRITE A STORY RIGHT NOW WOOO. shit I should take notes. OR DRAW A DOG. I MISS PATCHES. What if I just never ever- am I the bees knees? Do penguins have knees? I wanna be tall like a- I need more crayons. humming Lucky by Jason Mraz what would it be like if I was a gold fish. I want some gold fish. What if gold fish were made from the fish? UGHHHH THIS CLASS LASTS FOREVER I AM B O R E D. Oh there's the bell. Let's go. Oops I forgot my bag. Need that. Do I? Home home. There's a rock I love music. What is The Rock thinking about. What day is it? I dunno. Home home home. Rockkkkkkkkk. Ooh I'm here. Door open!! I love Doctor who. SHOES SUCK. Did I lock the door? Yep. Tv! Homework :. TV AND HOMEWORK. Okay math. Easy, who named numbers? Oh tv!!! I like tv how does it work I dunno. Bro. Broski. Bromeo. Ahhh I need to focus no more tv. Working, writing idea drawing. Shhhhh brain shhhhh. Bathroom.

I need to do a to be continued because my ADHD is making me bored. Also it's hard to write about my ADHD because I can't focus yeeeee.

Drowning

[obsessed-withthe-hales]

Strike Two (Part 9 of Curve Ball)

Summary: An accidental collision. Lucky shoes. Baseball lessons. As much as they might try to deny it, fate seemed to be working to bring Derek and Y/N together. But being in each other’s lives could prove to be more complicated than either one of them bargained for.

Author’s Note: FINALLY! It is here, y’all!!! I know it has been an eternity since I updated this series, but it is finally written and I couldn’t love this part more. I really hope you guys like it, please let me know! Meanwhile, enjoy ;)

As always, a HUGE thank you to my co-pilot on this series, @snipsnsnailsnwerewolftales!!! She is so amazing to work with and always such great ideas!!! I can’t even say thanks enough <3

Warnings: Language; a lot of feels

Tags: @wheresthekillswitch, @urwarriorangel, @palaiasaurus64, @melanie451, @houseofrahl, @life-what-life-i-dont-have-one, @splashofbi, @livinglife-dsa, @miaforeverblue

*******************************************************************************************

“Y/N? Are you even listening to me?” Stiles’ voice broke me out of my stare and I slowly turned my head to look at him, eyes wide and lips sucked between my teeth as I grunted out a ‘hm?’ He blinked at me several times before averting his gaze to the spot I was so tethered to only moment ago.

“Sorry,” I sighed. “I’ve just been...distracted.”

“I’ll say,” he snorts, earning a glare. “What’s up with you lately?”

“Nothing, I’m fine.”

“Yeah, that’s bullshit, but nice try. If I had to guess, based off of your intense and somewhat creepy staring, it has something to do with Derek and that girl he’s been hanging around with for a couple weeks.”

“Stiles, can you just drop it?” I hiss, panic starting to set in as I saw Derek walking toward us, the mystery girl’s form retreating down the hall. He puts his hands up in surrender, a quiet sigh of relief leaving my mouth. Derek took his seat and greeted us, Scott rushing in a few moments later and grinning as he slid into his chair right as class started.

“Hey, Y/N,” Derek said, falling into step beside me as we exited the building. “Got a second?”

“Yeah, what’s up?” I asked, trying to push down the nerves twisting in my gut and put on a kind and curious smile.

“I, uh-” he paused, bringing a hand up to rub across the back of his neck. Oh no. That’s not a good sign. “I’m not gonna be able to do baseball lessons this week. I’m really sorry, it’s just-”

“Oh, it’s fine, Derek,” I replied quickly with a dismissive shake of my head. “Seriously. You don’t have to explain. It’ll give me more time to get some stuff together for our project anyway. And I have an exam in another class I should study for this weekend, so. It kinda works out.”

“You’re the best,” he sighed, smiling widely at me. I chuckled at that, glancing down at my shoes in an effort to hide the blush on my cheeks. “I gotta go, but catch you later?”

“Sure. See ya.” With a final wave, Derek turned left and headed down another sidewalk. I watched him go, disappointment settling into my chest. Don’t freak out, it isn’t like he’s your boyfriend cancelling a date or something. There’s always next week.

Except next week didn’t happen.

Neither did the week after that. And by the time that had passed, it was way too cold to be outside throwing a baseball around. Suddenly I was only really seeing Derek in our history class and when our project group met every now and then. Apparently he was keeping his grade up without my help now because the tutoring had come to a halt, too.

To say I was upset didn’t quite convey it...I was just plain sad. Here was this guy, this cute and nice guy that I had a lot of fun with, that made me laugh, that I had actually considered a friend despite our rocky start, and now it was like I just didn’t exist to him anymore. I suppose that’s what happens when he finds a girlfriend.

I just kept telling myself to look on the bright side: I still had Stiles and Scott. And Lydia, of course. So it wasn’t like I was completely alone, far from it actually. Maybe this is what I get for questioning Allison and the damn shoes so much. Way to go.

Time seemed to fly by and before I knew it, finals were just around the corner. Long hours of reading and studying lied ahead, as well as putting the finishing touches on our project for history. Stiles, Scott and I were settling in for another Star Wars marathon weekend as a farewell to relaxation and laziness, the calm before the storm as they say, Lydia even joining us this time. I curled my favorite blanket around my shoulders, finding a comfortable position as Stiles set up the first movie.

“Hey, why don’t you text Derek? I’m sure he’d like to come,” Scott suggested, nudging my arm with his elbow. My heart fell at those words, but I tried not to let it show. That was the last thing I wanted to have to do.

“Uh, can you?” I asked, trying to avoid any extra contact with that kid if at all possible. You’re being childish. But he started it! Oh my gosh, you’re arguing with yourself again, Y/N. “My phone is about to die.” It wasn’t technically a lie.

“Yeah, sure.” I let out a small sigh of relief when he seemed to have bought it, no question in his eyes. As much as I hated to admit it, I couldn’t even pay attention to the beginning of the movie because I was way too focused on waiting for Scott’s phone to ding with the signal of a new message. What if Derek did want to come and he showed up at my door? What if he sat next to me during the movies? Wouldn’t it be awkward? What if-

I was snapped out of my mental rant by a quiet tweeting noise, my heart rate speeding up as Scott picked up his phone and read the message.

“It’s Derek.” I tried my best look nonchalant, but judging by Scott’s bemused eyebrow raise, he knew better. My intense laser beam stare that had been trained on his phone probably didn’t help my pathetic attempt at a ruse. It felt like an eternity before he finally typed out some reply and then gave me that tiny sympathetic grin before speaking. “Says he’s got plans tonight, but maybe next time.” Of course he does. Wait...shouldn’t I be relieved? Get it together and stop being so confusing, emotions!

“His loss,” Stiles mumbled before shoving a handful of popcorn into his mouth and earning a curious look from Lydia.

“Hey kiddo!” The deep voice flowing through the speaker of my phone brought a small smile to my lips.

“Hi, Uncle Chris.”

“How are you? Getting ready for finals yet?” he asked, the grin in his tone evident.

“Yeah, I have a lot of studying to do, but I’m getting a jump on it. I don’t think my exams will be too hard, but I suppose we’ll see. Don’t want to jinx anything.” He chuckled over the line, the sound making my heart ache with a tinge of homesickness.

“You’ll be fine. You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for. And you’re a good test taker.” I huffed in acknowledgement, but when I didn’t offer anything else, he must have sensed something was off. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, I guess. I just-” How do you tell your uncle that you’re heartbroken over a guy that didn’t even have your heart in the first place? “Just a bit overwhelmed. Really stressed.”

“You’ll get through it, Y/N, don’t worry so much. Hey, how about I come down and visit this weekend, huh? We can go out to a nice dinner, maybe catch a movie. You can fill me in on everything.”

“Uncle Chris, I was just home for Thanksgiving a couple weeks ago,” I chuckled. “You’re pretty much up to date.”

“Still. It’ll be good for you to take a study break. Let your brain relax,” he continued. I had to admit, the offer did sound rather nice. Maybe spending some quality time with my uncle would be good for me. And the offer of food was on the table, so really, who was I to say no?

“Alright, yeah. That sounds like fun.”

“Great. I’ll be down Saturday afternoon.”

“Sounds good. See you then.” Ending the call, I let out a sigh as I fell back against my pillows. Staring at my notebooks scattered around me, I knew I should be studying, but the mere thought of it made my head hurt. I think my bed is really calling my name. Just a quick nap and then I’ll get back to it…

With that, I crawled under my covers and curled into a tiny ball, tuning out the world and my problems. At least for now.

“Do you have anymore finals today, Y/N?” Scott asked as I walked out of the classroom, he and Stiles straightening from where they were leaning on the wall waiting. I stuffed the papers that Professor Yukimura had given me into my backpack before offering a small smile.

“Nope. Just one more tomorrow and then I’m done.”

“And of course, since she’s a freakin’ genius, she’ll ace it and finish out the semester with a perfect GPA,” Stiles said, throwing his arm around my shoulders as we walked and making me laugh.

“Whatever, Stilinski. You’re just kissing up to me because I saved your history grade,” I joked. He only shrugged, not denying or confirming anything. We had just turned in our final project, all our hard work and research over the last several weeks coming to a glorious end.

Professor Yukimura had wanted to give me some information on the position I had decided to take with him next semester, so the guys had waited outside while I spoke with him. Derek, on the other hand, had left without so much as a goodbye wave. Probably in a rush to go meet his girlfriend.

“What about you guys? More exams?” Glancing between the two, I saw two very different expressions and couldn’t help but chuckle.

“I’m done!” Scott answered, a huge grin splitting his crooked face. “Which means that I get to go back to my room and finish packing before driving home tonight for break.”

“Well, you lucky dog! Stiles, judging by your face…”

“I have two more and a paper I still have to write,” he grumbled, earning a sympathetic pout from me. I leaned into his side for a moment, playfully nudging his ribs.

“You’ll be fine, don’t worry. And once it’s over, just think about how much sleep you can catch up on over break!”

“Sleep? What’s that?”

“Is that everything, kiddo?” Uncle Chris asked, scanning the room one more time. Pursing my lips, I did the same, not wanting to forget anything. Mentally going down the list in my head, I sighed and nodded my head.

“I think so.”

“Did you already tell your friends goodbye?”

“Yeah,” I replied, trying my best to ignore the ping in my chest. Lydia had left yesterday, hugging me tightly. Even though we were from the same town, we wouldn’t see each other over break because her family was going on vacation this Christmas. Stiles, Scott and I grabbed dinner together before Scott left the day before last and Stiles had stopped over to avoid studying by talking to me while I packed last night.

But Derek hadn’t said goodbye.

The last time I saw him was when he walked out of the classroom after we turned in our project. The last time we actually really talked, though, was...well, long before then. Pushing down the bitterness, I forced a smile and nodded, signalling that I was ready to go.

“Alright, let’s load up the SUV then!” Uncle Chris announced, turning to head for the door and carrying a couple of my bags. My brows shot up when he kicked something, sticking out from underneath my bed, and almost tripped. Bending down, he picked the offending object up and faced me, a questioning look on his face. “You need this?”

It was the old worn-out glove that Derek had given me for baseball lessons. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I shook my head.

“Nope.”

And I was ready to leave it there, but something courageous and maybe a little rebellious told me to do something else, something I would probably never even think of doing it it weren’t for the little voice in the back of my mind nagging at me.

“Actually...can we make one stop? I forgot I owe someone something.”

I was pretty sure that if I held this glove any tighter, my nails would puncture the leather. Taking a deep breath for what felt like the millionth time, I nodded my head and marched down the hallway toward Derek’s door. My heart was slamming against my ribcage, threatening to break free at any moment. Just get it over with, come on.

Now standing in front of his door, I gnawed on my bottom lip. Was I seriously about to do this? I didn’t even know what I was going to say to him. ‘Hey, I know you’ve been ignoring me and that I haven’t really made any effort to talk to you either, but here’s the glove you gave me. Thought I should return it since you dropped our baseball lessons. Have a great break, Merry Christmas!’ Yeah, like that would go over well.

Looking down at the ground as if it would give me some much-needed courage, I realized that I was tapping the toe of my right shoe against the floor absentmindedly, and sighed. I blame you for whatever...this...turns out as, Allison.

“Alright, you can do this,” I told myself quietly, firmly planting my right foot to stop its incessant nagging, I stepped up and raised my hand to knock on the door. That’s when I heard it. The distinct sound of a girl laughing, Derek’s deep chuckle accompanying it. All my resolve crumbled into the pit of my stomach. Turning to leave in defeat and silently berating myself for thinking this was a good idea, I nearly smacked right into someone.

“Whoa, hey. You alright?” a sweet voice asked. I looked up into the face of the woman I almost plowed over, eyes wide in embarrassment.

“I’m so sorry,” I told her. “I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

“It’s okay,” she chuckled. Her eyes flicked towards Derek’s door then landed back on me, her small smile growing wider. “Are you a friend of Derek’s?”

“Oh, um- I-” Shit.. “No. Well, kind of. I tutored him. That’s, ah...that’s about it, I suppose.” Deep breath, Y/N. As long you remember to breathe, you’ll be fine. Alright, good. No, not that deep. Don’t be weird. Breathe like a normal human. “Are you-”

“I’m Laura, Derek’s older sister. Do you wanna come in? We’re just getting him packed up for break.” This is it, this is your out! Take it, take it now!

“Actually,” I started. “I’m kind of in a hurry. My uncle is waiting outside for me. Could you- could you maybe give this to him for me?” I held out the glove, biting my lip nervously and hoping against hope that she would agree. Thankfully, she did. “Thanks, I really appreciate it.” With that, I started to walk around her, wanting nothing more than to get the hell out of there, but I stopped short. “Can you tell him...well, actually. Just don’t tell him anything.”

Before she could respond, I spun on my heel and made my way to the nearest exit, choosing to ignore which foot I led with. I couldn’t handle all this fate crap anymore.

Sorry, Alli. Not now. And no, I don’t actually blame you.

What good was knowing what fate wanted when it was the one thing it was keeping you from? Putting one foot in front of the other is the only that could change fate. No matter what foot I was on, carrying on with my own two feet would be enough.

It had to be.

I would make it be.

From here on out, I was the master of my own fate. And as far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t include Derek freaking Hale and his perfect freaking smile and that contagious freaking laugh…” I shook my head at myself, exasperated. How in the world did I end up here? More importantly...how am I gonna get myself out? Whoever or whatever made my life cross paths with his is going to get a very strongly worded letter...

[everything-in-particular]

1-100 also 😘

Honestly I deserve this payback. This is gonna take forever to answer.

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

More cereal

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

I don’t know what winter is I live in Texas

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

I use literally whatever I have in my hand at the time, paper clips, snickers wrappers. There’s no cute bookmarkes It’s all dog ears and trash.

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

In large quantities and in many different ways. Coffee, black with some sort of flavor. If not that then just coffee and creamer, no sugar. Tea is usually chai or black just with milk.

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

No! And No one should be! Smiles to me are the most attractive thing about people.

6: do you keep plants?

I’ve had a succulent for six months and I have not watered it nor cared for it and it’s still alive so…

7: do you name your plants?

I have another succulent that has five stems and my friend named them all after the scooby doo gang.

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

I don’t have feelings. But I have literally exhausted all artistic mediums.

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

My favorite thing to do is belt out songs when I’m home alone or driving in a car so yeah.

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

Trick question I don’t sleep

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

I have too many. With my best friend sometimes we just scream old people names at each other in text.

Example:

Bff: ALFRED

Me: BERNARD

Bff:  ALTHEA

Me: KEITH

Bff: KEITH!!!

And then with a couple other friends we have one where we yell the “Where are you” from Blink 182’s “I miss you”

12: what’s your favorite planet?

This one. Its really nice. lov the oxygen. having rings lik saturn here would be neato but its cool.

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

I was planning to make brownies tonight and then I gave up half way through so I just ate brownie batter and it was great, college is great.

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

It’d be one of those open industrial plans with lofts and spiral stair cases and wooden frames on the ceiling. Big windows

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

if two untreated metals in space touch they will bond permanently bc there is no oxygen to form an oxidized layer around the metal. Dont wear earings in the vaccum of space i guess. You’ll never be able to take the backings off

6: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

All.

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

Green

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

We had the cops called on us because on of my friends barked at my neighbors dog.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

I have my notes on my phone and in it are about 807 entries ranging from random shit like a single word “zoo” with no context or explanation. Entire novels that I was writing and gave up on the last chapter, also conversations with no context between characters that I made up that have no names. Also, recipes for stupid things like Mac and cheese balls, ideas for artwork/stories/products. Essentially nothing is finished. I also have around 10 sketchbooks that have never been completed.

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

All of them but the ones that are like brown and then transition to blueish greenish at the edges at trippy and cool.

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

I struggle with bags and purses. I always leave them places. This is why I am a very passionate advocate for womens clothing to have bigger pockets

22: are you a morning person?

If by morning do you mean when I wake up at 2pm? Because even then no. Don’t talk to me when I’ve woken up.

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

Sleep

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

Yeah it’s really nice.

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

Not weird just a new house that hadn’t been bought yet.

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

See I get a pair like that once a year and  I’ll wear the shit out of it then they get holes and I have to get rid of them.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

Mint. I hate the taste of bubble gum flavor bubble gum

28: sunrise or sunset?

If I’m awake to see a sunrise I am not a happy person that shits too early. Sunset all the way

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

Exist

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

Yeah. I’ve been absolutely freaking terrified.

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

I like cool socks and I enjoy wearing socks but also I cannot be bothered to actually find a pair to put on in the morning so I never wear socks.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

Literally every fun story happens after 3 am, id be here all day. 

33: what’s your fave pastry?

I fucking love Pillsberry Crescent croissants. Like don’t give me legit croissants made in France, I won’t like it as much as pillsberry.

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

It’s name is Chicky and it’s actually I think supposed to be a stuffed duck, but I was 2 so I called it Chicky. Fun fact, my mom and everyone would ask me if Chicky was a a boy or a girl because I would call it he and she interchangeably and usually just Chicky. And my response would always be. “It’s just Chicky” and then they would ask “but is it a boy or girl?” And my three year old self was just like “??? Are you not paying attention? It’s a Chicky” so yeah I was fighting gender normatively at a young age, I was a pretty woke 3 year old.

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

I’m hella picky about nice pens but I don’t care how they look just how they write.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

Of Monsters and Men

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

It’s not that I like keeping it messy but it will always always always be untidy.

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

When people speak for me. Like when someone asks me a question and then someone else goes “Well Annaleise doesn’t want to-” or something along the lines of that. Like I’m right here and I can speak for myself thanks.

39: what color do you wear the most?

Gray.

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

I gotta small silver rose necklace that I got for my 16th birthday. And I haven’t taken it off since. I used always love painting and drawing and making a doodling roses. And my mom picked up on it and gave me the necklace.

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

Always Harry Potter.

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

I’m a slave to Starbucks but there’s a cute place on our campus called The Nook and it’s super hipster and they have huge chalk board walls for people to draw on which I love and of course they have great coffee.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

Fourth of July a couple years ago with my cousins. My aunts house is on a lake and the sky is super clear and we could see satellites orbiting. First time I’ve ever seen satellites. Super cool.

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

Spring break when I finally got back home from college I took a heavy dose of Benadryl because of allergies and I woke up in my own bed feeling soft and sleepy and I had not responsibilities at the moment and it was great.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

Do people not?

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

No puns are the worst. but what do you call a cat who bought a house? A hoMEOWner

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

Coleslaw and coconut water

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

I used to be terrified of lava and tornadoes and while I can’t say I’ve ever seen lava I now go outside whenever there’s a tornado siren so see if I can spot the tornadoes. Now my biggest fear is failure. Isn’t that fun?

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

I like the aesthetic of record players but I do not have the patience to actually go out and buy one, pull out a record, and put it on to listen to the music. 1) because I’m all about instant gratification bc I have like no self control so if I can play it in two seconds on my phone then why would I go through all the trouble of a record and 2) I rarely like all the songs from an album. My music taste is all over the place so even if I like a band I like maybe 3 of there songs and they’d be from different albums.

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

I collected coke cans and bottles. Like any special/old/limited edition coke cans or bottles I would keep them. I have a whole shelf in my closet. I now collect mugs.

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

My brother and Kid Cudi’s “Mr. Rager”

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

The funniest and most random to me has been the “Cask of Amontillado” meme. Also Bone apple tea and student athlete memes kill me idk why.

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

I fuck with Heathers (but the musical) and I have seen beetlejuice but it’s been a while. Not seen the others tho.

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

My mom.

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

When I was younger I saw in a movie that trick where you put a chair against a door handle to block people from getting in so I used to do it whenever I got mad at my mom.

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

I like when people get in a silly mood.

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

I can’t not dramatically reenact the lyrics and I don’t trust people who don’t.

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

In all groups of friends I’m usually the vodka aunt.

59: what’s your favorite myth?

The Trojan Horse has always been hilarious to me because sneaking a whole army into a city through a wooden horse they made sounds like something I would come up with. It’s ridiculous but it still worked.

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

Yes, and not to be mainstream but Edgar Allen Poe is my bro and according to my grandma we’re related to him through his cousin. But in middle school I had a really awesome English teacher who was obsessed with him and I basically know “The Raven” “Tell Tale Heart” “The cask of Amontillado” and “Annabelle Lee” memorized because of her.

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

I once gave a kids bop CD wrapped in candy canes for a white elephant. At another white elephant I recieved fabric sleeves that had tattoo graphics on them but it didn’t match my skin color. It was great.

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

TBH I don’t eat or drink until like 3 pm

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

Nothing in my life is organized.

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

Black

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

Many people.

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

It’d have a bunch of different kinds of flowers that don’t match.

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

Super peaceful and chill.

68: what’s winter like where you live?

What is winter?

69: what are your favorite board games?

I loved Candyland as a kid.

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

FUCK.THAT.

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

Chai and Black tea

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

Yes I do need to jot everything down because I will forget. But do I? No.

73: what are some of your worst habits?

Touching bad skin on my face.

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

A super brave and bad ass who also has deep feelings and really cares a lot. Super creative and really hilarious. hot shit. coolest person i know

75: tell us about your pets!

I have a Maltipoo named Poppy and I love her. She’s super sassy and really smart. And yells at me through howling when she wants to play, usually with a toy in her mouth so it sounds super muffled and anything but intimidating.

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

Yeah actually I have a huge fucking project. I gotta make 3 vases for my Studio but instead I’m answering 100 questions. It’s my own fault tho. I started it.

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

Pink

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

Minions need to die

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

If anyone ever says “I was thinking about you the other day and-” it’s my favorite thing

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

White because it came with the house. I hate it.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

a cool pillow

82: are/were you good in school?

I tested well and was good at essays but I was bad about turning in shit. So yes and no.

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

Fleet Foxes

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

In theory I love tattoos and in theory I really want one. Will I ever be able to decide on a design? We shall see. Also my mom told us that if any of us got tattooed she’s dissown us.

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

I don’t like buy comic books but I’m obsessed with all things marvel and D.C. And so I’ll read online stuff.

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

Idk what this is so i googled it and i still don’t have an opinion of it.

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

Forest Gump, The Princess Bride, Star Wars.

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

Impressionism, specifically Monet, specifically “The Magpie”

89: are you close to your parents?

I tell them a lot but I also have to withhold a lot. My mom is pretty, uhh strict, conservative and you could say narrow minded. My dad is a little more relaxed but he always goes along with whatever my mom says so I’m careful.

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

I’ve literally only been once but I really loved Pittsburgh. I liked the industrial vibe. I liked how it felt like a small town and a big city at the same time.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

My family’s trying to go to Canada so I’m excited for that.

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

Drowns in cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

Ponytail, bun, in a hat, in a beanie, basically any way but down. I have a limited attention span and any time my hair gets in the way I go crazy.

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

My sister! She’s thirteen! Its ridiculous yesterday she was 6!

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

Working my ass off to finish this project and then little party I’m throwing in my dorm. The party I can already tell is a bad idea. Still gonna happen tho. 

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

I have not updated my phone nor computer in years (not really but it takes a fucking while)

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

ENTP, Taurus, Ravenclaw

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

A few years ago and yes I wish I lived somewhere where I could do it all the time.

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

Float on by Modest mouse is my life’s theme song

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

Future. It’d be awesome to skip four years of this brutal program and arrive with a degree and a job. Five Years in the past means i gotta go through highschool again. Fuck That shit.

OKAY DONE SORRY FOR THE LONG ASS POST BLAME @jak

[eveningbat]

Heartbreaker’s “I Wouldn’t Even Bother” Approach

In this blog, I would like to single out the warning signs suggesting that your relationship is not going to last because your partner doesn’t want to make everything happen, and once everything is ruined, he will most likely blame it all on you.

Falling in love has always been unfortunate for me, it is rather a curse than a blessing. This time, it was no exclusion. He found me on the international dating site, I accidentally came across his simple message saying "Hi! What are you looking for?” I replied about 18 days after he had written the original message. “What a nice man”, I thought.

We started communicating and exchanging thoughts, opinions, sharing the stories of the past. Over the weekends, we sometimes had video chats if he wanted to see me (and he wanted it rarely, which is untypical of a person who has deep feelings, please mind this). When we were choosing the time for the video chat, he always stated the time in his country, leaving it for me to calculate what time it would be in mine (convenient for himself only). He was very laid back and easy going, which facilitated our conversations, and there was always something to talk about. After a while, I somehow got so attracted to him, lured by his charm, mesmerizing smile, optimistic views on life, joyful mood and happy vibes that my feelings strengthened and I was becoming more and more enamored. I got really crazy about his cool American accent of the person who is a native speaker of English. OMG, this accent was so fabulous! However, love was painful because he didn’t seem to feel the same for me. He would disappear for long times, then just get in touch again as if nothing happened, and always come late for our video chats. (Lack of punctuality or sheer carelessness?) Those are the warning signs that have to be considered.

According to his words, he had several relationships in the past. He was never married. I was wondering why his previous relationships ended, and the answer was that he didn’t care much about them. The people just got bored with each other and didn’t develop strong connection on the personal level. This should be paid attention to because the mistakes of the past may be mirrored in every new relationship. And it was to be expected.

Later, we faced the family and children question. He said he wanted children, I was hesitant at first, but as our relationship was evolving, I was ready for everything to be with him, and finally agreed. He didn’t appreciate it though. But I was so in love that would accept everything.

In October, about 6 months after we met online, I asked him if he thought we needed to meet in person (I think he should have done this first). He said he wanted to do it by the end of the current year. So we started making arrangements and this was not easy because we were living in different countries far away from each other. As winter was approaching, we chose Mexico as a warm climate country with lots of travel destinations. He booked my airplane tickets, departure and return, at his own cost, and made a spelling error in my first name though I provided the correct spelling for him to use. I selected the list of hotels, but he chose the one that was not on the list, at his own discretion. (Being indifferent to my choices). He made the hotel reservation in his own name without mentioning my name. I told him there would be possible problems because of the above, and he didn’t want to bother. Then I insisted, and he called expedia to make correction, however, the correction was not mentioned as I was checking in later. And he did nothing to ensure my hotel booking. In the airport, they asked for my hotel reservation confirmation, and there was a problem because it was made solely in his name. Luckily, they didn’t mind the name spelling error in the airplane tickets.

He said, the purpose of the trip was to “see if we are compatible for marriage”. What that means, I will tell you later.

So, I flied from Ukraine with one stopover in Germany and he flied from the USA, but before we actually met, I became pretty panic-stricken because we landed in different terminals of the airport, we previously agreed to meet at his terminal, but I could not get there because the shuttle bus between the terminals was rarely available as it became clear at the airport. So I had to take a taxi to the hotel. It was very expensive, and took me a long time because of the traffic jams.

He was not yet in the hotel, and I had to wait for him because the reservation, as mentioned above, was made in his name only. But as I asked at the front desk if he checked in, I heard a familiar voice behind saying “Hi”, looked back and finally calmed down as I saw his warm smile. “My savior”, I thought. He took my things to the room. But the disaster was only beginning.

We (there is no more such thing as “we”, but it can’t be expressed in other words) had intimacy without penetration, mostly hugs and kisses, it was nice, but believe me, the most attractive and sexy part of his was… the American accent as he was speaking English. Well, this is just my perception.

Some time later, we decided to take a trip to the local sights to see the famous Mexican pyramids and some other places. In the hotel lobby, there was a charming Mexican woman who was telling us a lot about the sights and the prices, smiling nicely and looking into his eyes. He was smiling back, flirting and asking her a lot of questions till the trip reservation was made and the documents had to be filled out. He suddenly told her that we (he and I) were not married, though she didn’t even ask. I was upset. In an hour, at the hotel pool, he made a nasty comment about my legs, I got offended and ran away to the room to burst into tears. He calmed me down with words of encouragement and hugs. He said I was too sensitive.

The trip to the pyramids was exciting and Mexico is an amazing country in general, and so beautiful. Except, I forgot to mentioned that he lost the ticket just before the trip, so it was renewed using the ID. Our days were running fast though he didn’t pay much attention to me, he was reading his ebook all the time without even noticing me, except when he wanted some cuddles or embraces from me. It was my pleasure to hug him, cuddle to him, embrace him tenderly, massage his neck, head, even feet at times, do all to satisfy him. He liked it but this did nothing to spark his feelings for me because there were no feelings.

Our time together was coming to an end, and that made me sad, I embraced him and said I didn’t know what I would do without him. He just laughed. I started crying because the feeling of losing him was unbearable. He didn’t get it. I asked him if he was planning or expecting any continuation of our relationship upon arrival home, and the answer was, “I do not have a road map plan”. He didn’t say anything about the result of that “verification for compatibility”, so it was easy to guess that I was not suitable. And it was the time to leave for home, we parted at his terminal and I took a bus to mine. Before leaving, he said we would still meet. However, it was not true.

My trip home was very stressful, not only because of the separation, but also because one of the flights was missed as the previous flight was too late. I was trapped in Frankfurt airport for a long time and got home thanks to the kindness of one Lufthansa company employee, but it’s a different story.

After the trip to Mexico, his skype messages got less and less both in content and in quality, he stopped showing interest entirely and disappeared for two days. Then I realized everything was over, I wrote him a letter to say that I regretted even meeting him because he never cared about the relationship. However, he suddenly replied that the relationship was ruined because I was “complaining and moaning all the time”. So I was to be blamed for everything and it was my fault.

Now, it is going to be hard to forget about everything, my heart is in agony. Honestly, I don’t know what to do. All I can do is just perhaps try to remember some bad things about him in order to cross him out of my life. For example, being in the hotel room, I noticed he was putting his legs on the bed without taking off his shoes (laziness or carelessness?), putting his suitcase on the bed, leaving the bathroom in a mess (splashes of water all around the place), consuming too many tic-tacs (tic-tac addict?), scattering his clothes on the floor and wearing the clothes for a long time without washing them, grinding his teeth during the sleep, going to the bathroom with his smartphone in hands. Yet, being in love, I ignored all those unpleasant things about him. This is what love can do. I do not wish anyone what I have been through.

If you have any thoughts, ideas or suggestions, please do not hesitate to contact me at tanyachri@gmail.com

Sincerely,

Tanya

P.S. All of the above is true.

[drabblesbabbles]

Give It Back (What You Took Was Mine)

PROMPT: I want to read a small fluffy story where A and B are classmates/schoolmates, and whenever A needs/wants something (a tissue, earpiece, an effin’ McDonalds McWings), B is always somehow miraculously passing by and always has the item, and A just gets more and more intrigued and they become friends and fall in love

-or- 5 times ash takes something from jessie, and the 1 time she does

meet ash, resident bad boy

he’s willful, does what he wants whenever he wants to

stoic face, lazy movements, sharp tongue

wardrobe seemingly consisting of only bomber jackets and skinny jeans (slightly ripped at the knees, of course)

attends his classes, but never seem to listen to a word the teacher says

and he unsurprisingly barely knows his own classmates

oh! he is also very irresistible to women

I.

so when a random girl had offered him a pen out of nowhere, ash may have reacted a little harsher than necessary

“a pen?” he scoffs, shifting his gaze from the pen to look at the girl. “that’s supposed to flatter me?”

“what? it’s for the pop quiz, you dimwit,” she grits out

he blinks, turning to the front and indeed, written boldly across the board, were the words “ART HISTORY POP QUIZ”

“but if you plan to fail this class, then be my guest,” the girl muses, putting the pen back into her pencil case

“no!” he blurts. “uh, um, i need a pen”

he receives an amused look from the girl which makes him avert his gaze slightly, bringing a hand to pull at his earlobe

she lends him the pen anyway, to which he takes gratefully

at the end of class, he returns her the pen and thanking her again

“by the way, how did you know i didn’t have a pen?” he muses

“you come into class every day with nothing but your phone and wallet. of course, you don’t have a pen”

“oh,” that makes sense. then, a teasing smile pulls on his lips. “been paying attention to me, huh?”

the girl scoffs and rolls her eyes. “you wish”

the next day when the girl sits beside him in class again, he greets her with a teasing smile, commenting on her wanting to be in close proximity to the school’s bad boy

“ive been sitting here since the start of the semester, idiot”

II.

the next time the girl, jessie – ash learned her name during attendance-taking – helps him, is when ash is being hit on by some girl from the cheerleading team, and he can’t stop sneezing

“could you get lost? my nose ‘bout to drop-off if i sneeze one more time” he snarls, rubbing at his nose

the cheerleader blanches for a moment, clearly offended, before masking her expression with a sickeningly sweet smile. she hops off his table and waves at him before turning to leave

a packet of tissue lands on his table when he keeps rubbing his irritated nose

he looks up and spots jessie, amusement adorning her face

“ugh, thanks,” he grunts, pulling out a piece of tissue from the packet. “her perfume was really ‘bout to make me lose my sense of smell”

jessie just snorts and shakes her head in amusement

III.

ash is at the cafe near campus, buying his daily dose of caffeine, when he realises he doesn’t have enough cash on him

“fuck,” he curses under his breath, digging through the pockets of his jeans for the third time as if a 50 cent coin would miraculously appear

he fumbles about for a moment, smiling apologetically at the cashier, who only watches him as he struggles

it’s thats when the bell by the door jingles, and ash turns to see jessie walking into the cafe

“jessie, hey!” he calls out, quickly pulling his hand out of his pockets and fixes his posture. “what brings you here?”

she narrows her eyes at him, looking between him and the cashier then it clicks, and ash doesnt really like the smug smile tugging on her lips

but he’s desperate for coffee because he has a paper to write tonight and god knows he wouldnt be able to make it through without some coffee

shoves his pride up his ass and asks. “um, do you have 50 cents to spare? i’ll pay you back later”

she laughs at him, bright and loud, but pays for the drinks after adding her own cup of coffee to the order

the pair takes a seat and falls into an easy conversation

it’s surprisingly comfortable, considering they only properly met last week during the pop quiz incident

she doesnt throw herself at him like every other girl on campus, and he doesnt find the need to put his guard up around her

they talk about this and that, and when ash throws flirtatious comments out of spite, jessie retorts with a scoff and an insult ready on her tongue

and it’s just so easy

and it’s not his fault that he finds jessie attractive

and it’s not his fault that he thinks it’s a little intriguing how she seem to always have what he needs

and it’s not his fault that a couple of days later, he finds himself harbouring a small crush on the girl

IV.

the fourth time jessie comes to ash’s rescue is when he’s starving

he had missed his alarm this morning so he didnt manage to grab something to eat in the morning, and there’s too little time in between his classes to run to the canteen for a quick snack

it’s already 3pm and he feels so hungry, and art history has never been more boring than it already was

his stomach growls loudly and he groans, banging his head against his table top

he here’s a familiar snort of laughter to his left and throws the person a deadpan look, scowling a little

it earns him a chuckle but he ignores it, going back to staring resolutely at his shoes and will for the time to go faster

a paper bag suddenly slides into view and he perks up in interest

he picks the bag up and peeps into it

he’s surprised to say the least and very very amused, because in that bag, there’s a box of nuggets, and he quickly shuts the bag before the teacher catches the aroma and kicks him out of class

he turns to his left again and sees jessie wearing a big smile on her face

“why the fuck do you have chicken nuggets in your bag?” he whisper-shouts across the aisle

“eat it, it’s from lunch so they’re still good”

“what about you?”

“just take it, ive already had breakfast. and if i were to hear your stomach growling again, i might just dissect your body to shut you up,” she says, grinning

he doesn’t question further. instead, he indulges in the chicken nuggets. discretely stuffing them into his mouth when the teacher has his back to him, and tosses a few to jessie only to see her scramble to catch them

the pair muffle their laughter behind their hands

and if the other students think it’s the first time they’ve seen ash with a bright smile on his face, they don’t say anything

their friendship develops quickly and it’s unsurprising, really, when the other students see them dancing around each other

it’s the resident bad boy after all, irresistible to women and all that crap

V.

ash wouldve thought that with the rumour going around about ash dating, that the girls would finally leave him alone

but clearly he’s proven wrong because now he’s trapped by his locker, a cheerleader – monica, was it? – clinging on to his arm

he sighs exasperatedly for the nth time in five minutes when the girl flutters her eyes at him

up close, he could see her false eyelashes barely clinging to her lashline and how her foundation is a little cakey

it’s funny really, and being the “notorious bad boy” he is, he opens his mouth to speak – tell the girl off for looking so desperate, and to fix her make-up if she’s planning to even woo the janitor

but he doesn’t manage to get a word in before a loud but familiar voice yells his name from down the hall

thank fucking god

it’s jessie, running down the hall and swiftly avoids crashing into the other students. she holds a paper in her hand and stops directly in front of him, not sparing a glance at the cheerleader

“Mr Lee wants to see you,” she pants, waving the paper in his face

“what about?” he asks, finally pulling his arm away from the cheerleader

“you failed the test. he’s going to have your head.”

he’s about to voice his disbelief but jessie is already tugging on the sleeves of his jacket and pulling him away from the lockers

they walk towards the liberal arts department, only stopping by the studios, and it’s definitely not where the staff offices are

“Mr Lee didn’t actually call for you,” jessie says, gaze fixed on her shoes but ash notes how the tips of her ears are tinted slightly red

“so, i didn’t fail the test?” she shakes her head. “oh, thank fuck.”

he straightens then, curiosity got to him when jessie still doesn’t look up or say anything

“then, what was all that for?” a shrug, head ducking further and ears turning redder

it clicks then. and it’s really really not surprising. not when their bickers have turned a lot fonder, and their subtle touches have lingered a lot longer than necessary

“oh~” he sing-songs, a smirk playing on his lips already. “why did you come running down the hall then?” another shrug.

“did jessie wanted to pull me away from little ms cheerleader? she was quite pretty, you know?” a scoff, but it got her to raise her head a little and ash confirms that she is indeed blushing

“hm, maybe i should –” “no!”

he smirks and takes a step closer. “why not?”

“b-because…” she starts, hooks her fingers through the belt loops on his jeans, tugging lightly so they’re a tad bit closer. “because why would you go to her when…”

“when?” he muses, lifting her head by her chin so he could see her face. with their close proximity, their eyes cross a little when they meet.

“when you have me, fuckface”

he grins triumphantly

BONUS!

“how come you’re miraculously always present when i need something?”

“i dont know, maybe im your knight in shining armour”

“mm,” he hums, intertwining their fingers together. “there is one thing you took from me though”

“what is it?”

“my heart”

it earns him a hearty laugh and a playful shove that makes him stumble a bit

“hm, i think i’ll hold on to it for awhile longer,” jessie muses, a mischievous glint in her eyes, and he squeezes her hand once in affirmative

he could deal with that for a long time

[notupforthisish]

Give It Back (What You Took Was Mine)

PROMPT: I want to read a small fluffy story where A and B are classmates/schoolmates, and whenever A needs/wants something (a tissue, earpiece, an effin’ McDonalds McWings), B is always somehow miraculously passing by and always has the item, and A just gets more and more intrigued and they become friends and fall in love 

-or- 5 times ash takes something from jessie, and the 1 time she does

meet ash, resident bad boy

he’s willful, does what he wants whenever he wants to

stoic face, lazy movements, sharp tongue

wardrobe seemingly consisting of only bomber jackets and skinny jeans (slightly ripped at the knees, of course)

attends his classes, but never seem to listen to a word the teacher says

and he unsurprisingly barely knows his own classmates

oh! he is also very irresistible to women

I.

so when a random girl had offered him a pen out of nowhere, ash may have reacted a little harsher than necessary

“a pen?” he scoffs, shifting his gaze from the pen to look at the girl. “that’s supposed to flatter me?”

“what? it’s for the pop quiz, you dimwit,” she grits out

he blinks, turning to the front and indeed, written boldly across the board, were the words “ART HISTORY POP QUIZ”

“but if you plan to fail this class, then be my guest,” the girl muses, putting the pen back into her pencil case

“no!” he blurts. “uh, um, i need a pen”

he receives an amused look from the girl which makes him avert his gaze slightly, bringing a hand to pull at his earlobe

she lends him the pen anyway, to which he takes gratefully

at the end of class, he returns her the pen and thanking her again

“by the way, how did you know i didn’t have a pen?” he muses

“you come into class every day with nothing but your phone and wallet. of course, you don’t have a pen”

“oh,” that makes sense. then, a teasing smile pulls on his lips. “been paying attention to me, huh?”

the girl scoffs and rolls her eyes. “you wish”

the next day when the girl sits beside him in class again, he greets her with a teasing smile, commenting on her wanting to be in close proximity to the school’s bad boy

“ive been sitting here since the start of the semester, idiot”

II.

the next time the girl, jessie – ash learned her name during attendance-taking – helps him, is when ash is being hit on by some girl from the cheerleading team, and he can’t stop sneezing

“could you get lost? my nose ‘bout to drop-off if i sneeze one more time” he snarls, rubbing at his nose

the cheerleader blanches for a moment, clearly offended, before masking her expression with a sickeningly sweet smile. she hops off his table and waves at him before turning to leave

a packet of tissue lands on his table when he keeps rubbing his irritated nose

he looks up and spots jessie, amusement adorning her face

“ugh, thanks,” he grunts, pulling out a piece of tissue from the packet. “her perfume was really ‘bout to make me lose my sense of smell”

jessie just snorts and shakes her head in amusement

III.

ash is at the cafe near campus, buying his daily dose of caffeine, when he realises he doesn’t have enough cash on him

“fuck,” he curses under his breath, digging through the pockets of his jeans for the third time as if a 50 cent coin would miraculously appear

he fumbles about for a moment, smiling apologetically at the cashier, who only watches him as he struggles 

it’s thats when the bell by the door jingles, and ash turns to see jessie walking into the cafe

“jessie, hey!” he calls out, quickly pulling his hand out of his pockets and fixes his posture. “what brings you here?”

she narrows her eyes at him, looking between him and the cashier then it clicks, and ash doesnt really like the smug smile tugging on her lips

but he’s desperate for coffee because he has a paper to write tonight and god knows he wouldnt be able to make it through without some coffee

shoves his pride up his ass and asks. “um, do you have 50 cents to spare? i’ll pay you back later”

she laughs at him, bright and loud, but pays for the drinks after adding her own cup of coffee to the order

the pair takes a seat and falls into an easy conversation 

it’s surprisingly comfortable, considering they only properly met last week during the pop quiz incident

she doesnt throw herself at him like every other girl on campus, and he doesnt find the need to put his guard up around her

they talk about this and that, and when ash throws flirtatious comments out of spite, jessie retorts with a scoff and an insult ready on her tongue

and it’s just so easy

and it’s not his fault that he finds jessie attractive

and it’s not his fault that he thinks it’s a little intriguing how she seem to always have what he needs

and it’s not his fault that a couple of days later, he finds himself harbouring a small crush on the girl

IV.

the fourth time jessie comes to ash’s rescue is when he’s starving

he had missed his alarm this morning so he didnt manage to grab something to eat in the morning, and there’s too little time in between his classes to run to the canteen for a quick snack

it’s already 3pm and he feels so hungry, and art history has never been more boring than it already was

his stomach growls loudly and he groans, banging his head against his table top

he here’s a familiar snort of laughter to his left and throws the person a deadpan look, scowling a little

it earns him a chuckle but he ignores it, going back to staring resolutely at his shoes and will for the time to go faster

a paper bag suddenly slides into view and he perks up in interest

he picks the bag up and peeps into it

he’s surprised to say the least and very very amused, because in that bag, there’s a box of nuggets, and he quickly shuts the bag before the teacher catches the aroma and kicks him out of class

he turns to his left again and sees jessie wearing a big smile on her face

“why the fuck do you have chicken nuggets in your bag?” he whisper-shouts across the aisle

“eat it, it’s from lunch so they’re still good”

“what about you?”

“just take it, ive already had breakfast. and if i were to hear your stomach growling again, i might just dissect your body to shut you up,” she says, grinning

he doesn’t question further. instead, he indulges in the chicken nuggets. discretely stuffing them into his mouth when the teacher has his back to him, and tosses a few to jessie only to see her scramble to catch them

the pair muffle their laughter behind their hands

and if the other students think it’s the first time they’ve seen ash with a bright smile on his face, they don’t say anything

their friendship develops quickly and it’s unsurprising, really, when the other students see them dancing around each other

it’s the resident bad boy after all, irresistible to women and all that crap

V.

ash wouldve thought that with the rumour going around about ash dating, that the girls would finally leave him alone

but clearly he’s proven wrong because now he’s trapped by his locker, a cheerleader – monica, was it? – clinging on to his arm

he sighs exasperatedly for the nth time in five minutes when the girl flutters her eyes at him

up close, he could see her false eyelashes barely clinging to her lashline and how her foundation is a little cakey

it’s funny really, and being the “notorious bad boy” he is, he opens his mouth to speak – tell the girl off for looking so desperate, and to fix her make-up if she’s planning to even woo the janitor

but he doesn’t manage to get a word in before a loud but familiar voice yells his name from down the hall

thank fucking god

it’s jessie, running down the hall and swiftly avoids crashing into the other students. she holds a paper in her hand and stops directly in front of him, not sparing a glance at the cheerleader

“Mr Lee wants to see you,” she pants, waving the paper in his face

“what about?” he asks, finally pulling his arm away from the cheerleader

“you failed the test. he’s going to have your head.”

he’s about to voice his disbelief but jessie is already tugging on the sleeves of his jacket and pulling him away from the lockers

they walk towards the liberal arts department, only stopping by the studios, and it’s definitely not where the staff offices are

“Mr Lee didn’t actually call for you,” jessie says, gaze fixed on her shoes but ash notes how the tips of her ears are tinted slightly red

“so, i didn’t fail the test?” she shakes her head. “oh, thank fuck.”

he straightens then, curiosity got to him when jessie still doesn’t look up or say anything

“then, what was all that for?” a shrug, head ducking further and ears turning redder

it clicks then. and it’s really really not surprising. not when their bickers have turned a lot fonder, and their subtle touches have lingered a lot longer than necessary

“oh~” he sing-songs, a smirk playing on his lips already. “why did you come running down the hall then?” another shrug.

“did jessie wanted to pull me away from little ms cheerleader? she was quite pretty, you know?” a scoff, but it got her to raise her head a little and ash confirms that she is indeed blushing

“hm, maybe i should –” “no!”

he smirks and takes a step closer. “why not?”

“b-because…” she starts, hooks her fingers through the belt loops on his jeans, tugging lightly so they’re a tad bit closer. “because why would you go to her when…”

“when?” he muses, lifting her head by her chin so he could see her face. with their close proximity, their eyes cross a little when they meet.

“when you have me, fuckface”

he grins triumphantly

BONUS!

“how come you’re miraculously always present when i need something?”

“i dont know, maybe im your knight in shining armour”

“mm,” he hums, intertwining their fingers together. “there is one thing you took from me though”

“what is it?”

“my heart”

it earns him a hearty laugh and a playful shove that makes him stumble a bit

“hm, i think i’ll hold on to it for awhile longer,” jessie muses, a mischievous glint in her eyes, and he squeezes her hand once in affirmative

he could deal with that for a long time 

[somethingsomean]

lol holy fuck

7/18/2017 5:58:53 PM] girl: Also i have a massive caffeine headache WOW [7/18/2017 5:59:49 PM] girl: But the one on the far left is "baby girl" and the on on the right is "halo" and the little black one is "the end", who was going to be the very last beanie baby but ended up not being [7/18/2017 7:35:09 PM] girl: I also cant stop thiniing abt this horrible image [7/18/2017 10:46:32 PM] girl: Sorry to do this again i wasnt planning on it but um [7/18/2017 10:46:46 PM] girl: You will never guess what i just found on a couch outside and took home [7/18/2017 10:47:44 PM] girl: HIM [7/19/2017 4:09:49 AM] girl: Srry bout messaging you incessantly but im feelinf the Appointment Anxiety and a bit bored and i have to be awake at niiine. And I'm weeping, openly [7/20/2017 11:46:17 PM] girl: I really do wanna fuk lana del rey [7/21/2017 2:29:11 AM] aj: I feel like she'd be a dead fish of a lay, and I have no idea why. [7/21/2017 2:31:23 AM] girl: She's a really weird woman [7/21/2017 2:31:39 AM] girl: Unimportant, did you see my free crab [7/21/2017 2:31:46 AM] aj: I did. [7/21/2017 2:32:13 AM] aj: I approve, though I am still in shock that you can handle that when it is a crustacean. [7/21/2017 2:32:23 AM] girl: I almost couldn't [7/21/2017 2:32:39 AM] girl: But he's really soft and has normal eyes and most importantly no mouth [7/21/2017 2:33:18 AM] girl: I put The End on top of him and called the picture. Fifth horseman of the apocalypse [7/21/2017 2:33:27 AM] girl: Dark omen [7/21/2017 2:33:43 AM] aj: Spooky. [7/21/2017 2:34:10 AM] aj: So my potential roomie is probably backing out, and with less than a month before uni starts, I'm suddenly having to price 1bed/1bath apartments. [7/21/2017 2:34:27 AM] aj: It's within my budget and savings, but it's still got me more anxious. [7/21/2017 2:34:40 AM] aj: It's also really annoying because I wasn't expecting him to bitch out like this. [7/21/2017 2:34:48 AM] girl: Prices are so fucking bad here lol [7/21/2017 2:35:12 AM] girl: Esp on campus (´ ∀ ` *). Good thing im not paying rent thanks bfs daddy [7/21/2017 2:35:22 AM] aj: lel [7/21/2017 2:35:42 AM] girl: caucasian voice daddys money [7/21/2017 2:35:47 AM] aj: Anyways, living on my own soon again. [7/21/2017 2:36:02 AM] aj: and I realize how little I actually need in my life, which feels nice. [7/21/2017 2:36:18 AM] girl: I just always imagine you living with your sister bc of how much you truly seemed to dislike living with her [7/21/2017 2:36:33 AM] aj: We actually are really cool nowadays. [7/21/2017 2:36:43 AM] girl: Thats good [7/21/2017 2:38:05 AM] aj: While I was having lunch today, it struck me that part of the reason I'm offputting to people is because of reciprocation.  People build relationships with each other in part because each can satisfy a need the other has. [7/21/2017 2:38:13 AM] aj: I really... don't desire much from other people. [7/21/2017 2:38:37 AM] aj: Most of my needs are within my power to meet? [7/21/2017 2:40:28 AM] aj: I just realize that I'm a successful introvert, and I'll be moving in extrovert fields, lol great planning me. [7/21/2017 2:42:21 AM] girl: I feel like men mostly seem not to think about that kind of thing so much. Certain kinds of men, anyway. I'm trying to think of what i was saying, saying saying... I think that I never understood when boys said to me that I was too good or too nice, and that it demonstrates weirdly this kind of profound inconsideration for people, usually girls in my Experience, who really do love one another [7/21/2017 2:43:42 AM] girl: Which is off putting, to me, I guess, because i find complacency in nihilistic and depressing thoughts kind of insulting or boring. Also im sure youll be fine [7/21/2017 2:43:48 AM] girl: You're very charming [7/21/2017 2:44:34 AM] aj: I'm not particularly worried about my well-being, it's just something that caught my attention.  I appreciate you saying I'm charming, though.  It's nice of you. [7/21/2017 2:45:04 AM] aj: I think guys say a lot of "you're too nice" due to esteem issues, or because they have no idea how to treat someone who is nice to them. [7/21/2017 2:45:12 AM] girl: It works on me most times, so you must be doing something rigjt there [7/21/2017 2:45:18 AM] aj: Or because if they reciprocate, they worry they'll give too little or too much. [7/21/2017 2:47:32 AM] girl: I think so too, but I also think it's kind of boring and lazy. Maybe I'm being too mean or impatient but I really really really do get caught up in trying to demonstrate being loving and nice and thoughtful bc im uh, stockholmed, and feel bad for emotionally stunted men who remind me of other unfortunate men in my life, but, idk. It never ends well and it seems mostly like its not really my fault [7/21/2017 2:47:47 AM] aj: Interestingly, if guys can get past their stigma over being perceived as homosexual, they tend to form stronger relational bonds than women do.  At least in my experience.  I know that sounds terrible, but I'm just saying how I've seen the world, more than making value judgements. [7/21/2017 2:48:01 AM] girl: Or my job, though I do wish in my heart every day it was my job, and that i did it good [7/21/2017 2:48:16 AM] aj: I've seen a lot of women relationships and sisterhoods fragment over incredibly stupid shit. [7/21/2017 2:48:59 AM] aj: Which, maybe it's important to them, but guys at least tend to look a little guilty when they backstab other guys.  I've seen women fight and backstab, and it just looks so cold. [7/21/2017 2:49:31 AM] girl: Being hurt by other women is sad too [7/21/2017 2:50:38 AM] girl: But when men hurt me it feels different and worse and more at my expense than theirs, and even if its not true that men are worse, i think my life has really improved by just setting the bar much [7/21/2017 2:50:42 AM] girl: Much lower [7/21/2017 2:51:01 AM] aj: I can understand that. [7/21/2017 2:51:35 AM] girl: I feel like [7/21/2017 2:52:32 AM] girl: When a girl has hurt me I've been able to at least put myself in her shoes and understand why she did, save for some really crazy asshole women but like thats usually with crazy asshole women who are a lot older and more Christian than i am [7/21/2017 2:53:29 AM] girl: My crazy fucking aunt sent me a bunch of texts abt me needing to... [7/21/2017 2:53:35 AM] aj: Hahahaha, that's the way I feel towards guys.  Guys who have wronged me, I can put myself in their shoes.  I can understand their motivations.  I can see the signals of things coming.  Even the asshole guys. [7/21/2017 2:54:31 AM] aj: Women, though?  Much harder to predict.  Harder to put myself in their shoes.  Harder to understand. [7/21/2017 2:55:08 AM] girl: Um... Idk, seek help, or "stay broken" as she put it (even though i was not telling her anything about my life, except that i was Fine and doing Good) and she ended the big string of texts w a beatles quote and i dont talk to her much anymore bc i thought it was so annpying i never ever wanted to hear anything like it again [7/21/2017 2:55:32 AM] aj: A Beatles quote?  Really? [7/21/2017 2:56:54 AM] girl: Yes [7/21/2017 2:56:59 AM] girl: She's [7/21/2017 2:57:01 AM] girl: Crazy [7/21/2017 2:57:29 AM] aj: Anyone who ends a long rant telling someone else they need help with a Beatles quote needs more help than the person they're messaging. [7/21/2017 2:57:32 AM] aj: Always. [7/21/2017 2:57:36 AM] aj: Always and forever. [7/21/2017 2:58:32 AM] girl: She [7/21/2017 2:58:53 AM] girl: Likes to argue with me in really crazy ways, and tries to say things she knows will offend me [7/21/2017 2:59:00 AM] girl: Or thinks will [7/21/2017 2:59:45 AM] aj: How mindlessly cruel. [7/21/2017 3:00:09 AM] aj: ... I am wondering if that's a contradiction in terms, now. [7/21/2017 3:00:28 AM] aj: Probably.  Fuck it.  I am a multitude, if I contradict myself, what of it? [7/21/2017 3:00:51 AM] girl: And likes to say that im trying to be snarky at her or ... idk... she's psycho and so is her daughter [7/21/2017 3:01:07 AM] girl: But guess who has custody of my brother 🙄 [7/21/2017 3:01:17 AM] aj: Heheh [7/21/2017 3:01:28 AM] aj: Good job.  /patpat [7/21/2017 3:01:58 AM] girl: Nooo haha, her fucking daughter does bc i cant til im 21 [7/21/2017 3:02:08 AM] aj: Fuuuuuuuuuuck [7/21/2017 3:02:10 AM] girl: N im 20 [7/21/2017 3:02:15 AM] girl: I know lmao [7/21/2017 3:02:17 AM] girl: She tried [7/21/2017 3:02:20 AM] aj: Soon. [7/21/2017 3:02:22 AM] girl: To give me [7/21/2017 3:02:25 AM] girl: A curfew [7/21/2017 3:02:28 AM] girl: Like [7/21/2017 3:02:35 AM] girl: A sleep curfew [7/21/2017 3:02:52 AM] girl: like... last year... i was...19... [7/21/2017 3:03:08 AM] girl: Like a literally like 10:30 pm... bed time [7/21/2017 3:03:19 AM] girl: And would... confiscate... my phone [7/21/2017 3:03:53 AM] girl: Qnd gave me a dr oz type book on adhd [7/21/2017 3:03:59 AM] aj: People gotta flex less and be more wu wei.  Enforcing curfews like that on 19 year olds is stupid. [7/21/2017 3:05:07 AM] aj: I'm naturally inclined to hierarchies, but so many organizations that use them use them in shitty ways.  It makes me want to tear my hair out because I ardently believe that organizations trend in that direction no matter what you do, but you'd think that with thousands of years of history that we could do it right on a micro level. [7/21/2017 3:05:20 AM] aj: but fuck no we can't. [7/21/2017 3:07:01 AM] girl: She also like insisted i was high when i was having like a not very pleasant Episode because i was living with completely insane crackers and her husband was being creepy with me and my dad had just died and it was like honestly... Bitch.... where the fuck do you think i would have obtained drugs from i have 30$ and you live in fucking thurston colorado [7/21/2017 3:07:57 AM] girl: Honestly [7/21/2017 3:08:17 AM] girl: I hate her, and i cannot wait until she dies. But its whatever lol [7/21/2017 3:08:27 AM] aj: Yeah, I get you. [7/21/2017 3:09:04 AM] aj: People like that torment others, and don't really even realize they're doing it.  Or if they do, they're guided by some maliciousness usually found in small, angry, feral creatures. [7/21/2017 3:09:15 AM] aj: Like weasels, if all of them were malicious. [7/21/2017 3:09:31 AM] girl: Beavers are very aggressive [7/21/2017 3:09:32 AM] aj: Lots are cute, though. [7/21/2017 3:09:38 AM] girl: And will attack dogs [7/21/2017 3:09:48 AM] girl: And that fucks me up [7/21/2017 3:09:52 AM] aj: I cannot get over how cute they are, though. [7/21/2017 3:10:19 AM] aj: Also, probably all the nice ones got killed by fur trappers hundreds of years ago. [7/21/2017 3:10:24 AM] aj: SO the only ones left were the mean ones. [7/21/2017 3:10:33 AM] aj: Or, this is what I choose to believe. [7/21/2017 3:10:42 AM] girl: I picked up a moth off the ground today with her wing torn and put her back in the bushes and i hope she gets to lay her sick eggs before she fucks off to die [7/21/2017 3:11:14 AM] girl: I cant omagine turning into a beautiful mouthless fuck machine and fucking dying before i got the chance [7/21/2017 3:11:28 AM] girl: Weasels are cute [7/21/2017 3:11:32 AM] girl: I like them lots [7/21/2017 3:11:36 AM] girl: Long tubes [7/21/2017 3:11:41 AM] aj: Heh [7/21/2017 3:12:23 AM] girl: I talkrd to aris classmate on fucking tinder last night and that boy aint well [7/21/2017 3:13:28 AM] girl: Very alcoholic slightly oversharey, absolutely implied he wanted to You Know What but was drunk enough and polite. Enough that i said. Thats ok jim. I'm not offended [7/21/2017 3:13:45 AM] aj: Heh. [7/21/2017 3:14:02 AM] girl: I am pffended a little [7/21/2017 3:14:16 AM] girl: But i didnt want to hurt his feelings [7/21/2017 3:14:20 AM] girl: He seemed to be [7/21/2017 3:14:26 AM] girl: Not a well man [7/21/2017 3:14:53 AM] aj: I don't know anyone who is well. [7/21/2017 3:15:01 AM] aj: Probably because if I did, I wouldn't be able to understand them. [7/21/2017 3:15:16 AM] aj: but, that's still strange. [7/21/2017 3:17:12 AM] girl: I am quite a bit unwell but not quite as unwell [7/21/2017 3:17:14 AM] girl: As Jim [7/21/2017 3:18:23 AM] aj: That's unfortunate. [7/21/2017 3:21:41 AM] girl: Truly [7/21/2017 3:21:43 AM] girl: Truly [7/21/2017 3:22:43 AM] girl: Jim is not a well man [7/21/2017 3:23:29 AM] aj: Being lonely and lacking purpose in life twist people. [7/21/2017 3:23:47 AM] girl: Hope jim is well [7/21/2017 3:23:54 AM] girl: I mean for [7/21/2017 3:23:58 AM] girl: The night [7/21/2017 3:24:05 AM] aj: Aah [7/21/2017 3:24:12 AM] girl: I really am worried about that weird fucking man [7/21/2017 3:24:37 AM] aj: Somewhere in you, you're an optimist. [7/21/2017 3:24:46 AM] aj: and, I hope he'll be well for the night. [7/21/2017 3:25:15 AM] girl: Only so far as one can be with two dead parents [7/21/2017 3:25:40 AM] girl: Which is surprisingly far i guess [7/21/2017 3:25:53 AM] aj: That's why I remarked on it. [7/21/2017 3:25:56 AM] girl: I think im mostly cheery and mostly cute and only sometimes a crazy bitch [7/21/2017 3:26:12 AM] girl: i just cry a lot and need more xanax than most people [7/21/2017 3:26:33 AM] girl: I cried so much today and i dont even remember what over [7/21/2017 3:28:04 AM] girl: I was fussing and i cried for two hours and then i ... went to the library... [7/21/2017 3:28:19 AM] girl: Becauae i volunteer there so i can see old people all day [7/21/2017 3:29:15 AM] girl: I'm really foggy lately because im [7/21/2017 3:29:44 AM] girl: Not medicated, at least for the part of my brain that shits out mid sentence and loses stuff all the time [7/21/2017 3:29:51 AM] girl: So im sorry for being all over yhe place [7/21/2017 3:29:55 AM] girl: And impulsive [7/21/2017 3:29:58 AM] girl: Moreso than usual [7/21/2017 3:30:18 AM] aj: It's fine.  I can follow you. [7/21/2017 3:30:57 AM] girl: Nodnod [7/21/2017 3:31:12 AM] girl: I lpve... this stupid dog stuffed animal i have [7/21/2017 3:31:29 AM] girl: I sleep with him almost every night and he doesnt have a name except dog [7/21/2017 3:34:03 AM] girl: Thats [7/21/2017 3:34:09 AM] girl: Hmm [7/21/2017 3:34:43 AM] girl: not sure if i am happy with the fact that i said that [7/21/2017 3:35:00 AM] aj: It's cute. [7/21/2017 3:35:48 AM] girl: Shut up? [7/21/2017 3:36:02 AM] aj: I didn't say anything else. [7/21/2017 3:36:08 AM] aj: Stupid. [7/21/2017 3:36:54 AM] girl: Youre stupid [7/21/2017 3:37:24 AM] girl: I wish i wss not just reminded of [7/21/2017 3:37:37 AM] girl: Bedtime for bonzo starring ronald reagan [7/21/2017 3:38:36 AM] aj: That's a strange thing to be reminded of. [7/21/2017 3:39:12 AM] girl: Ari is [7/21/2017 3:39:17 AM] girl: A strange boy [7/21/2017 3:39:23 AM] girl: Who says things like [7/21/2017 3:39:35 AM] girl: Its bedtime for bonzo, when he is goong to sleep [7/21/2017 3:40:06 AM] girl: Why would he do that to me? [7/21/2017 3:42:19 AM] aj: To mess with you. [7/21/2017 3:42:38 AM] aj: I think maybe guys just like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:43:05 AM] girl: Why... [7/21/2017 3:43:20 AM] aj: Who can say? [7/21/2017 3:43:46 AM] girl: You could, since you're a guy, who does that [7/21/2017 3:44:11 AM] girl: Plenty, even [7/21/2017 3:44:51 AM] aj: You're really desperate for an answer if you're asking me of all people. [7/21/2017 3:45:11 AM] girl: You said it [7/21/2017 3:45:30 AM] aj: Sure, but you're still pressing. [7/21/2017 3:46:02 AM] girl: Because you SAID it,... it was a weird thing to say! [7/21/2017 3:46:08 AM] girl: Og my god [7/21/2017 3:46:16 AM] aj: Hahahahahaha [7/21/2017 3:46:19 AM] girl: You're doing it...right now [7/21/2017 3:46:23 AM] girl: Fuck you [7/21/2017 3:46:50 AM] aj: I anticipated you pushing the issue, so I figured I'd mess with you while you do so. [7/21/2017 3:47:14 AM] aj: If you had let it drop, I couldn't have messed with you. [7/21/2017 3:47:19 AM] aj: So, really, it's your own fault. [7/21/2017 3:47:35 AM] girl: You're such a motherfucker [7/21/2017 3:48:16 AM] girl: How could that be my own fault [7/21/2017 3:48:22 AM] girl: You said something strange [7/21/2017 3:48:47 AM] aj: You responded to the strange thing, and pressed for more instead of letting it drop.  I say strange things all the time. [7/21/2017 3:49:26 AM] girl: Not about me! [7/21/2017 3:50:11 AM] girl: If there really was some reason people said shit like bedtime for bonzo to me before sleeping in the same bed as me [7/21/2017 3:50:21 AM] girl: And there was a way for me to stop it [7/21/2017 3:50:38 AM] girl: Isnt it natural i would want to know the reason!!!!! [7/21/2017 3:51:00 AM] aj: There's nothing natural about saying "bedtime for bonzo". [7/21/2017 3:51:26 AM] girl: You implied that it was somehow mt fault!! [7/21/2017 3:51:29 AM] aj: It follows that there is nothing natural about wanting to stop someone saying "bedtime for bonzo".  It is similarly unnatural. [7/21/2017 3:52:01 AM] aj: I outright stated guys like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:52:07 AM] aj: You asked why. [7/21/2017 3:52:14 AM] aj: and I proceeded to mess with you for it. [7/21/2017 3:52:36 AM] girl: It's not unnatural to wish in your heart that no one would remind you of bedtime for bonzo starring ronald reagan!!!!!! [7/21/2017 3:52:41 AM] aj: I can now confirm that in this instance, guys like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:52:54 AM] aj: Because I messed with you just now, and liked it. [7/21/2017 3:53:35 AM] girl: That's because youre a... a sadist or something [7/21/2017 3:53:44 AM] girl: Not my fault [7/21/2017 3:53:47 AM] aj: No, I was trying to get an honest answer for you. [7/21/2017 3:53:51 AM] aj: and I got your answer. [7/21/2017 3:54:09 AM] aj: "Because it's fun to mess with you." is the answer as to why guys like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:54:39 AM] aj: I expected that would be the answer, but went ahead and tested anyways. [7/21/2017 3:54:47 AM] aj: You should thank me for my effort. [7/21/2017 3:55:16 AM] girl: (ʘ言ʘ╬) [7/21/2017 3:56:08 AM] girl: There's no reason to complicate things that much you fucker [7/21/2017 3:56:23 AM] aj: Would you have been happier if I made up an answer? [7/21/2017 3:57:05 AM] girl: You're still being complicated, there's no reason to ask that question, thats a dumb question [7/21/2017 3:57:17 AM] girl: You didnt need to make up an answer if you knew it!! [7/21/2017 3:57:28 AM] aj: How would I know it unless I tested it? [7/21/2017 3:57:44 AM] girl: because most people know why they like doing something!! [7/21/2017 3:58:02 AM] aj: Do they? [7/21/2017 3:58:26 AM] aj: Would the most common answer be: "Because it's fun." ? [7/21/2017 3:58:53 AM] girl: And youve messed with me plenty of times before, its not like it was a novel Or New experience for you!! [7/21/2017 3:59:27 AM] girl: I don't know, I'm not a man or a person who likes to mess witg my own self [7/21/2017 3:59:32 AM] aj: I'll betcha a really common reason people like doing things is because those things are fun.  I'll even betcha that you knew that before you asked me. [7/21/2017 3:59:45 AM] aj: Which means, if you knew the answer, why did you ask the question? [7/21/2017 3:59:59 AM] aj: Here you are blaming me, when it's really your fault. [7/21/2017 4:00:02 AM] girl: Because you said something fucking WEIRD!!! [7/21/2017 4:00:08 AM] girl: oh my god [7/21/2017 4:00:10 AM] aj: Which I do all the time. [7/21/2017 4:00:12 AM] girl: Ohhh my god [7/21/2017 4:00:35 AM] girl: Youre such a dog!!!!! [7/21/2017 4:00:48 AM] aj: It's still fun. [7/21/2017 4:00:58 AM] aj: In case you were wondering if the reason changed. [7/21/2017 4:01:08 AM] girl: I WASNT [7/21/2017 4:01:35 AM] aj: You could have been, so I wanted to be sure. [7/21/2017 4:01:52 AM] girl: youre going to give me high blood pressure or something [7/21/2017 4:01:58 AM] girl: An ulcer maybe [7/21/2017 4:02:09 AM] aj: You probably like this, too. [7/21/2017 4:02:54 AM] girl: because i like you, and because im a sick freak, not for any reason you could assume anyone else would [7/21/2017 4:03:03 AM] girl: im an outlier [7/21/2017 4:03:33 AM] girl: Most people would throw you in the trash for being so god damn rude [7/21/2017 4:04:02 AM] aj: How fortunate that I only mess with people who like me, hmm? [7/21/2017 4:04:35 AM] aj: Does this mean that instead of throwing me in the trash [7/21/2017 4:04:40 AM] aj: You throw me in the treasure? [7/21/2017 4:04:50 AM] aj: Because one person's trash is another person's treasure? [7/21/2017 4:05:19 AM] girl: I need a fucking drink [7/21/2017 4:05:32 AM] aj: I'm a treasure person~ [7/21/2017 4:05:41 AM] girl: You're absolute garbage [7/21/2017 4:05:50 AM] aj: treasure* [7/21/2017 4:06:20 AM] girl: I still like you a lot, but don't let that fool you. Plenty of people like terrible, reprehensible things [7/21/2017 4:06:33 AM] girl: I'm just a sick little masochist [7/21/2017 4:06:42 AM] girl: Please dont let it go to your head [7/21/2017 4:07:09 AM] aj: I'm unsure where you got the impression I thought I was somehow not terrible or reprehensible. [7/21/2017 4:07:15 AM] aj: I'm both. [7/21/2017 4:07:45 AM] girl: You and my trash crab can hang out [7/21/2017 4:07:56 AM] aj: treasure crab* [7/21/2017 4:08:01 AM] girl: Die [7/21/2017 4:08:18 AM] aj: I'm laughing so hard, incidentally. [7/21/2017 4:08:29 AM] girl: I hate you [7/21/2017 4:08:29 AM] aj: It's hard to retain composure. [7/21/2017 4:08:40 AM] aj: Oh. [7/21/2017 4:08:44 AM] aj: I know you're not wondering, [7/21/2017 4:08:50 AM] aj: But I wanted to confirm, it's still fun. [7/21/2017 4:09:04 AM] girl: Oh my GOD [7/21/2017 4:09:31 AM] girl: I'm fukitng [7/21/2017 4:09:34 AM] girl: Ohhh my god [7/21/2017 4:09:59 AM] girl: You!! You you you you, I swear to god, you know, you're [7/21/2017 4:10:21 AM] aj: Treasure. [7/21/2017 4:10:23 AM] aj: Yes. [7/21/2017 4:10:24 AM] aj: I know. [7/21/2017 4:11:19 AM] girl: You're like, a, a piñata, except instead of candy you're full of like, very bizarre feelings like "so mad you hyperventilate, but in a fun way" [7/21/2017 4:11:56 AM] girl: That shouldnt even be a thing [7/21/2017 4:12:13 AM] girl: Im congested you know, [7/21/2017 4:12:24 AM] girl: Its not easy to be breathing this weird [7/21/2017 4:12:37 AM] aj: You have nobody to blame but yourself. [7/21/2017 4:12:40 AM] aj: You started this. [7/21/2017 4:12:59 AM] girl: I did not!! [7/21/2017 4:13:29 AM] girl: I said why did my boyfriend tell me bedtime for bonzo!! And you said something strange!! [7/21/2017 4:13:49 AM] aj: I say strange things all the time. [7/21/2017 4:13:54 AM] aj: You pushed the issue. [7/21/2017 4:14:06 AM] girl: Thats a bad excuse!! [7/21/2017 4:14:19 AM] aj: and also an accurate description of how events unfolded. [7/21/2017 4:14:54 AM] aj: The fact that it's a bad excuse is a bonus, from my viewpoint. [7/21/2017 4:14:59 AM] girl: You're a monster [7/21/2017 4:15:01 AM] aj: If it was a good excuse, it wouldn't be nearly as funny. [7/21/2017 4:15:08 AM] girl: UGH [7/21/2017 4:15:48 AM] girl: I [7/21/2017 4:15:50 AM] girl: God [7/21/2017 4:16:03 AM] girl: I hate you! [7/21/2017 4:17:05 AM] girl: I'm an easy target because I'm a FREAK, I get it. You're terrible. Picking on a poor girl like me [7/21/2017 4:18:24 AM] girl: A poor, kind hearted, tolerant masochist who CANT HELP IT and IS A FREAK and doesnt deserve to be mistreated [7/21/2017 4:18:48 AM] aj: A masochist who doesn't deserve to be mistreated? [7/21/2017 4:19:15 AM] girl: It's a CONDITION [7/21/2017 4:19:34 AM] girl: I'm SICK INSIDE and I can't help it [7/21/2017 4:20:28 AM] aj: You should consider that most people are easy targets. [7/21/2017 4:20:37 AM] aj: What most people aren't, however, is worthwhile targets. [7/21/2017 4:21:21 AM] aj: To illustrate: it is easy to get spare change out of a fountain, because Americans throw change in fountains for some strange reason. [7/21/2017 4:21:45 AM] aj: But it is not worthwhile, except in the very worst of circumstances. [7/21/2017 4:21:50 AM] girl: what a dark thing to say [7/21/2017 4:22:12 AM] girl: he calls me a fat little peach [7/21/2017 4:22:44 AM] girl: how terrible [7/21/2017 4:22:52 AM] aj: Poor you. [7/21/2017 4:23:12 AM] girl: Its okay, peaches are cute [7/21/2017 4:23:44 AM] aj: Unless they're rotten. [7/21/2017 4:23:47 AM] aj: and you're pretty rotten. [7/21/2017 4:23:58 AM] aj: Or maybe you're rotten pretty. [7/21/2017 4:24:03 AM] aj: Both? [7/21/2017 4:24:06 AM] girl: I......... [7/21/2017 4:24:15 AM] girl: Did something so terrible [7/21/2017 4:24:39 AM] girl: I'm a little [7/21/2017 4:24:42 AM] girl: Shocked [7/21/2017 4:25:24 AM] girl: I stuck my tongue out... at the screen... and im only telling you because it was kind of cute of me, but also shockingly....... unhinged [7/21/2017 4:25:49 AM] girl: I feel like i just caught myself in the mirror eating raw meat with my hands or something [7/21/2017 4:26:17 AM] girl: I am rotten, and pretty, by the way [7/21/2017 4:26:40 AM] girl: A fat and darling peach thank you very much [7/21/2017 4:26:57 AM] girl: Just a few worm [7/21/2017 4:27:12 AM] aj: Heh. [7/21/2017 4:27:21 AM] aj: Hmm. [7/21/2017 4:27:43 AM] girl: Hmm what [7/21/2017 4:27:53 AM] aj: I think I'll spare you. [7/21/2017 4:28:07 AM] aj: If you're already sticking your tongue out at the screen, I can ease up. [7/21/2017 4:28:15 AM] girl: You [7/21/2017 4:28:19 AM] girl: Oh my god [7/21/2017 4:28:25 AM] girl: Just say it you bastard [7/21/2017 4:28:56 AM] girl: What is possibly more embarrassing than my existence in relation to you [7/21/2017 4:29:03 AM] aj: Honeybee. [7/21/2017 4:29:26 AM] girl: Fucking flirt [7/21/2017 4:29:42 AM] aj: Oh, that wasn't what I was going to say, that just answered your question. [7/21/2017 4:29:59 AM] girl: Youre fucking killing me [7/21/2017 4:30:07 AM] girl: Not that you care [7/21/2017 4:30:45 AM] aj: I was going to ask you if you were rotten pretty though, because I imagine that's some sort of grungy look.  Like something out of a high fashion seasonal thing that involves trashbags and whatnot.' [7/21/2017 4:31:01 AM] aj: Being pretty and being rotten does not make one rotten pretty. [7/21/2017 4:32:13 AM] girl: I don't thinj they make that sort of thing for girls with frighteningly enormous hips [7/21/2017 4:32:22 AM] girl: My dentist told me i look like [7/21/2017 4:32:25 AM] girl: Coraline [7/21/2017 4:32:41 AM] girl: Because of my dress [7/21/2017 4:32:47 AM] aj: Aaah [7/21/2017 4:32:59 AM] aj: That's too bad.  You could have been a rotten pretty treasure person. [7/21/2017 4:33:21 AM] girl: It's not too bad at all [7/21/2017 4:33:36 AM] girl: I'm quite [7/21/2017 4:33:40 AM] girl: Pleased [7/21/2017 4:33:47 AM] aj: I never asked you. [7/21/2017 4:33:56 AM] girl: who cares? [7/21/2017 4:34:12 AM] aj: You're catching on to me and not overreacting anymore. [7/21/2017 4:34:17 AM] aj: Good job. [7/21/2017 4:35:05 AM] girl: You offended me by saying who asked you, which was rude, so i snipped like a mean girl [7/21/2017 4:35:13 AM] girl: Though youve [7/21/2017 4:35:21 AM] girl: Seen me be a much meaner girl [7/21/2017 4:35:33 AM] aj: Yeah, the snip didn't bug me. [7/21/2017 4:36:05 AM] aj: Your dentist said a nice thing.  Probably I'd say you were cute. [7/21/2017 4:36:22 AM] aj: But not if I was a dentist, because dentists telling people they're cute is super weird. [7/21/2017 4:36:44 AM] girl: i was offended at first, because she said, tim burton-y. And i said, oh, um, thanks [7/21/2017 4:36:52 AM] girl: but coraline isnt so offensive [7/21/2017 4:36:59 AM] aj: Yeah [7/21/2017 4:37:03 AM] aj: That was a nice thing to say [7/21/2017 4:37:10 AM] girl: Oh aj [7/21/2017 4:37:19 AM] aj: Mm? [7/21/2017 4:37:23 AM] girl: Im just so fucking cute not even my dentist can help herself [7/21/2017 4:38:26 AM] girl: I think its probably lost on you because its not very cute to act the way i do to you sometimes [7/21/2017 4:38:33 AM] girl: Most times [7/21/2017 4:39:33 AM] girl: But it was truly not her fault... I'm very polite and a lot like a fat cat [7/21/2017 4:40:17 AM] girl: And god knows it would be a crime to be hateful to a fat cat [7/21/2017 4:40:35 AM] girl: And thats why my dentist called me cute and gave me a gift card. Thank you [7/21/2017 4:40:41 AM] girl: She also made my teeth hurt [7/21/2017 4:40:49 AM] aj: Heh. [7/21/2017 4:41:04 AM] aj: In your case, I think... [7/21/2017 4:41:28 AM] aj: I could already see some of that. [7/21/2017 4:41:44 AM] girl: A fat cat? [7/21/2017 4:41:54 AM] aj: Nah, but polite and cute. [7/21/2017 4:42:08 AM] girl: Sounds like i need to try harder [7/21/2017 4:42:26 AM] girl: You called me cute again [7/21/2017 4:42:39 AM] girl: Even though it was just agreeing with me [7/21/2017 4:43:22 AM] girl: You're still a fucking flirt [7/21/2017 4:43:34 AM] aj: lmao [7/21/2017 4:43:44 AM] girl: It's fine, though [7/21/2017 4:43:56 AM] aj: You wouldn't believe me if I denied it. [7/21/2017 4:44:03 AM] girl: I like it because im a masochist (´ ∀ ` *) [7/21/2017 4:44:15 AM] girl: That i was cute? [7/21/2017 4:44:25 AM] girl: I wouldn't. [7/21/2017 4:44:34 AM] aj: Nah.  The flirt bit. [7/21/2017 4:44:45 AM] girl: Even if you don't mean to [7/21/2017 4:44:52 AM] girl: You called me a fucking petname [7/21/2017 4:44:58 AM] girl: What else is that [7/21/2017 4:45:12 AM] aj: You asked what was more embarrassing.  Out of all the sordid things there were. [7/21/2017 4:45:24 AM] aj: That word ranks at the top. [7/21/2017 4:45:30 AM] girl: There's plenty of embarrassing things about me [7/21/2017 4:45:49 AM] girl: That aren't so cute and horrible of you to say [7/21/2017 4:46:07 AM] girl: Like [7/21/2017 4:46:11 AM] girl: A lot of them [7/21/2017 4:46:25 AM] girl: I'm a walking shame machine [7/21/2017 4:47:03 AM] aj: Sure, but that one induces profound shame and complicatedness alongside. [7/21/2017 4:47:10 AM] aj: Also, it was a kneejerk reply. [7/21/2017 4:47:18 AM] girl: Homo [7/21/2017 4:47:33 AM] girl: Anyone else would call that flirting [7/21/2017 4:48:32 AM] girl: But if you're so insistent, i wont fuss. Fucking gay though lol [7/21/2017 4:49:08 AM] aj: I'd try and be more obvious and clumsy if I wanted to flirt with you. [7/21/2017 4:49:15 AM] aj: I feel like you'd deserve that. [7/21/2017 4:49:55 AM] aj: Also, you've totally ranted at me and bounced between homicidal and wanting a hatefuck or something and then wanting hugs. [7/21/2017 4:50:12 AM] girl: Exactly!! [7/21/2017 4:50:18 AM] girl: Much more embarrassing [7/21/2017 4:50:55 AM] aj: Yeah, this just shows we have entirely different concepts of what that entails. [7/21/2017 4:51:08 AM] girl: Sorry that i wanted to kill you. That first time at least was me taking meds that didn't sit well with me [7/21/2017 4:52:23 AM] girl: But still [7/21/2017 4:53:12 AM] girl: You're being cute, it's kind of gross [7/21/2017 4:54:14 AM] girl: Not that I'm complaining, even if it wasn't at me I like knowing that you're still cute sometimes. It's also a burden but thats fine for now [7/21/2017 4:54:48 AM] aj: I don't have much consolation for you on that one. [7/21/2017 4:55:25 AM] girl: Guess ill just have to suffer by myself then [7/21/2017 4:55:51 AM] girl: I truly am suffering [7/21/2017 4:55:57 AM] aj: Yeah? [7/21/2017 4:56:06 AM] girl: i cant breathe in this stupid apartmenr [7/21/2017 4:56:21 AM] aj: For a moment I was feeling bad. [7/21/2017 4:56:29 AM] aj: You got me for a moment. [7/21/2017 4:56:33 AM] girl: Oops [7/21/2017 4:57:18 AM] girl: It makes me happy to talk with you lile this, even if it makes me a sick masochistic freak [7/21/2017 4:57:25 AM] girl: So you dont have to worry for now [7/21/2017 4:58:29 AM] girl: Youve always been a nice distraction from other more horrible thinhs, except rn i cant think of them bc im living in perpetual brainfog and congestion and cant hardly remember yesterday [7/21/2017 4:58:39 AM] aj: This type of conversation felt more organic and natural, and I've been wondering if that's a good thing or a bad thing for the past couple of hours.  It has been nice, though. [7/21/2017 4:58:54 AM] girl: I don't think it matters [7/21/2017 4:59:02 AM] girl: To me, anyway. [7/21/2017 5:00:06 AM] girl: I'm pretty resigned to feeling something intense somewhere in my skull for you forever, no matter if you indulge me or not. No matter if i indulge myself either i guess [7/21/2017 5:00:49 AM] girl: It's kind of a weirdly peaceful feeling i guess [7/21/2017 5:01:05 AM] aj: Well, that's good at least. [7/21/2017 5:02:02 AM] girl: I wish i wasnt retarded though, I really hate having a cursed millennial brain that can only wver think of Video Games and Tweeting [7/21/2017 5:03:17 AM] girl: I have too much hair but i dont want to cut it myself and i dont want anyone else to cut it rn either [7/21/2017 5:03:55 AM] girl: i used to have a lot more though, its nice to drown yourself in your own hair [7/21/2017 5:04:05 AM] aj: Long hair is A++ [7/21/2017 5:04:33 AM] girl: I like myself with fluffy little bob cuts but i also like myself with really really long hair [7/21/2017 5:05:03 AM] girl: Everything in between is anything ranging from slightly imperfect to very annoying [7/21/2017 5:05:32 AM] girl: I saw a girl with such a fluffy bob cut today and it was so cute [7/21/2017 5:06:55 AM] aj: How is it already 5. [7/21/2017 5:06:58 AM] aj: Blah. [7/21/2017 5:07:07 AM] aj: I should sleep for a few hours or something. [7/21/2017 5:07:34 AM] girl: Have to be somewhere? [7/21/2017 5:07:55 AM] aj: Nah, but I should at least keep some normal hours. [7/21/2017 5:07:58 AM] girl: Im going to sleep all day (´ ∀ ` *) [7/21/2017 5:08:30 AM] girl: I woke up at like 7:30 yesterday and i felt like garbage the entire day LOL [7/21/2017 5:09:20 AM] aj: treasure* [7/21/2017 5:09:40 AM] girl: Die [7/21/2017 5:09:50 AM] aj: I had to. [7/21/2017 5:10:19 AM] girl: I think im just going to hang out on my couch and try to make my nose work again before i sleep though [7/21/2017 5:11:04 AM] aj: Probably wise.  No neti pot or stuff like it? [7/21/2017 5:11:28 AM] girl: No, but i have an inhaler somewhere around here Lol [7/21/2017 5:13:25 AM] aj: That could work. [7/21/2017 5:13:32 AM] aj: I haven't used an inhaler in a long time [7/21/2017 5:13:37 AM] aj: so, maybe it also couldn't work [7/21/2017 5:13:38 AM] girl: snorts it [7/21/2017 5:13:58 AM] girl: I use mine all the time bc of this MOLDY fucking building [7/21/2017 5:15:21 AM] girl: You can snooze whenever, I'm chattering bc im feeling chattery but sooner or later my body will tell me enough is enoyfh and force me in2 slumber [7/21/2017 5:15:37 AM] girl: Hopefully not on the couch because its a bit. Short [7/21/2017 5:15:46 AM] girl: Send prayers [7/21/2017 5:18:30 AM] girl: I hope if nothing else i at least get a marimo farm in my lungs [7/21/2017 5:19:32 AM] aj: Heh, sleeping.  Feel better. [7/21/2017 5:19:56 AM] girl: Night [7/21/2017 5:20:03 AM] girl: Idiot [7/21/2017 1:54:44 PM] girl: Hh [7/21/2017 6:17:17 PM] girl: Mnn [7/21/2017 6:17:32 PM] girl: It was... nice to talk to you almost kind of normal [7/21/2017 6:18:09 PM] girl: I went to the pharmacy... and drank a bery large mocha... and went to the fish market... [7/21/2017 6:19:01 PM] girl: I hate when i cant fucking read [7/21/2017 6:19:58 PM] girl: I think thats the worst thing about my dumbass symptoms is like reading anything informational is like a concentrated effort, like, i couldnt read these stupid signs abt cheese [7/21/2017 6:45:38 PM] girl: Also i ended up falling asleep on the couch lol [7/21/2017 6:45:46 PM] girl: Like a damn idiot [7/21/2017 6:46:05 PM] girl: But i went back t bed at like 8 or 9 or 10 [7/21/2017 6:50:42 PM] girl: Also I had some. Folks online mistake me for like 12 today... which wS... interesting... i think th effect is lost when people see me irl bc i have the stature of a grown woman but i regularly get mistaken for like 16-17 but i think thats just whT happens when youre asian and round in the face [7/21/2017 9:07:44 PM] girl: My aunt is soooo psycho [7/21/2017 10:17:59 PM] girl: She like. I dont think ive ever met anyone so evil. Evil and crazy. Its fine though [7/21/2017 10:18:11 PM] girl: I feel very unfocused and dumb sorry!!! [7/21/2017 11:56:12 PM] girl: Did yoy know im allergic to like every raw fruit and vegetable and the sun [7/22/2017 2:33:20 AM] girl: Hahaha [7/22/2017 2:33:38 AM] girl: For a cute girl who acts rly normal to most people I really am such a loser [7/22/2017 2:47:45 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) I really am pretty pathetic [7/22/2017 2:48:23 AM] girl: but its mostly okay because im charming enough to get away with it... but boy sometimes i think about what a huge loser i am and go WOW [7/22/2017 3:51:46 AM] girl: Hahahaha [7/22/2017 3:51:56 AM] girl: I call you a dog. But [7/22/2017 3:52:05 AM] girl: Sometimes im a dog too [7/22/2017 11:26:38 AM] girl: I??? Woke up to my fucking aunt telling me. Like. Oh my god idk. Crazy shit bc my other aunt is a crazy evil woman and I think shes telling my moms side of the family shit about me that isnt true [7/22/2017 11:51:04 PM] girl: Bluh [7/22/2017 11:51:13 PM] girl: I hate how foggy i feel [7/22/2017 11:51:32 PM] girl: Its so difficult to think ahead. [7/23/2017 1:38:05 AM] girl: Mmmn my [7/23/2017 1:38:37 AM] girl: Fingers are all messy bc ive been touching theese eyeshadow pallettrs [7/24/2017 4:03:50 AM] aj: Yeah, you're a dog, too. [7/24/2017 4:05:15 AM] aj: That being said, I think most people feel that they're frauds to some extent. [7/24/2017 4:06:09 AM] aj: That could just be me, though.  The truth is that no matter how smart of capable you are, your skills are limited, largely only useful in the time you're born and live, and not even that great. [7/24/2017 4:07:32 AM] aj: One of the things I super-hate is people who say they're "educated".  Like, what the fuck does that even mean?  Dogs who do training are "educated" or some shit.  Lots of people like it to mean that they have a degree or read a few books sometimes, or say it as a put-on because they think whatever vapid things they like qualify as things "educated" people like. [7/24/2017 4:09:09 AM] aj: So, if being "educated" means having a degree, the problem is that having a degree doesn't mean one is "educated".  Honorary degrees aside, there's a huge philosophical problem that I think it called the Chinese Room or something like it.  Basically, even if you display perfect understanding, there's no way to know that you actually understand something.  You could just be following a complex series of decision trees or memorized it all. [7/24/2017 4:10:11 AM] aj: Granted, analytics and rote memorization are a part of understanding, but we tend to think of understanding as more than that.  THE POINT IS that any credential does not guarantee that the holder actually knows what they're talking about.  It just ups the probability.  So, credentials are out as a 100% indication of "educated". [7/24/2017 4:10:46 AM] aj: Which leaves, what?  Without that, we just have consensus opinion and personal testimony, which is fine because degrees are just more rigorous versions of that shit anyways. [7/24/2017 4:11:31 AM] aj: But, then, saying you're "educated" means that you've attained some level of knowledge and understanding that will always and forever place you in that status.  Which is BULLSHIT because stuff changes all the damn time. [7/24/2017 4:12:23 AM] aj: I guess in the end I just hate that term.  The legit smart and wise people I know won't use that word as a self-descriptor. [7/24/2017 4:12:47 AM] aj: So all that's left are people who use that word because it sounds good and maybe people told them they were smart or something. [7/24/2017 4:14:48 AM] aj: So.  Most people are frauds.  Or they vastly overestimate their abilities and then go on to overstate them.  It's a display that combines a lack of circumspect thinking with a lack of humility, and produces people who fearlessly blunder into an uncertain future while simultaneously insulting people who have the good sense to know they're stupid and people who have the humility to constrain their self-expression. [7/24/2017 4:20:03 AM] aj: So.  Being charming is pretty good because you still have that going for you on top of enough self-knowledge to know where your limits tend to be. [7/24/2017 4:20:19 AM] aj: Don't be so hard on yourself, you could be an "educated" twat or someshit. [7/24/2017 11:17:40 AM] girl: Hahahaha [7/24/2017 12:51:38 PM] girl: I saw that and fell right badk asleep [7/24/2017 3:33:34 PM] girl: Sometimes you can be pretty cute [7/24/2017 3:34:22 PM] girl: Mostly i just hate being unmedicated and a lot of add treatment options are kind of bad or they're adderall lol [7/24/2017 3:35:34 PM] girl: I'm like out of withdrawal phase or should be but it's just annoying to have to make a concentrated effort to do things other people can do with ease [7/24/2017 3:37:57 PM] girl: It's like, having meds is like putting glasses on for the first time and being like oh this is how things are kind of supposed to be, and so, being off them is extra frustrating when you know how stuff feels and is Normally i guess. And I can't really do much in the way of trying harder, my brain shits out midway through sentences and stuff and i am rly easily distracted and i want to. Roll in mud and die [7/24/2017 3:39:01 PM] girl: Idk if it's you know, actual Textbook Adhd or just my brain didn't develop normal because i spent so many of my formative years in traumatic situations and environments but my brain sure doesn't work right [7/24/2017 3:42:36 PM] girl: It feels like there's a lot of things wrong with me and i hate it because symptoms really aren't the same for everybody and mental issues are hard to diagnose and treat right, and it seems like i have some conflicting things going on and thats very annoying [7/25/2017 2:44:20 AM] girl: mmm [7/25/2017 2:44:30 AM] girl: I'm a little high lol. And very strange [7/25/2017 4:09:50 AM] girl: Sleepy... sleepy sleepy [7/25/2017 4:09:59 AM] girl: I cant believe youre so tall... [7/25/2017 4:10:05 AM] girl: Thats too tall you know [7/25/2017 4:10:10 AM] girl: Much too tall... [7/25/2017 4:10:17 AM] girl: No reason for it even... [7/25/2017 9:44:28 PM] aj: =P [7/25/2017 10:39:55 PM] girl: Dummy [7/25/2017 10:43:24 PM] girl: Its so fucking hot [7/25/2017 10:48:53 PM] girl: Like way too fucking hot [7/25/2017 10:49:07 PM] girl: Im letting ari have our singular fan bc hes asleep [7/25/2017 10:49:15 PM] girl: But o wish i was cruel enough to take ot [7/25/2017 10:55:56 PM] aj:  /patpat [7/25/2017 11:00:47 PM] girl: Dont pat me [7/25/2017 11:00:50 PM] girl: Thats rude [7/25/2017 11:02:53 PM] girl: I have some [7/25/2017 11:02:57 PM] girl: Interesting [7/25/2017 11:03:03 PM] girl: Family drama [7/25/2017 11:25:40 PM] aj: Yeah? [7/25/2017 11:25:50 PM] aj: You getting more problems from your aunt? [7/25/2017 11:26:00 PM] girl: Hahaha [7/25/2017 11:26:03 PM] girl: Yeah [7/25/2017 11:26:20 PM] girl: White aunt idk [7/25/2017 11:27:17 PM] girl: She was like... "the reason you're having issues with your dads family is because you don't respect or know your own culture. Japanese people value honor." [7/25/2017 11:27:34 PM] girl: Then she sent me a picture of my grandpa with the word DOJO over it from a magazine [7/25/2017 11:27:37 PM] girl: I was. [7/25/2017 11:27:49 PM] girl: Shocked [7/25/2017 11:28:01 PM] aj: lolololhonor culture [7/25/2017 11:28:12 PM] aj: Saving face is not the same as valuing honor. [7/25/2017 11:28:45 PM] aj: Relying on cultural constructions that produce peer pressure for stepping out of the line of norms is not "honor". [7/25/2017 11:29:06 PM] aj: Individualism is also shit, don't get me wrong. [7/25/2017 11:29:33 PM] girl: I just was like [7/25/2017 11:30:09 PM] girl: Shocked at how caucasian of her it was to say, esp when my other aunt is like genuinely evil and tried to keep me from coming to my own dads funeral [7/25/2017 11:30:22 PM] girl: Like bringing up... japanese honor... or whatever... [7/25/2017 11:30:32 PM] girl: Like maam? Are you well? [7/25/2017 11:30:35 PM] aj: Yeah, I have no idea how that factors into it. [7/25/2017 11:31:15 PM] girl: A [7/25/2017 11:31:29 PM] girl: A failure to understand my own familys culture.... ok... [7/25/2017 11:31:34 PM] aj: I... [7/25/2017 11:31:41 PM] girl: Girl i know [7/25/2017 11:31:52 PM] aj: Do people read what they message? [7/25/2017 11:32:39 PM] girl: She sent me a pic of my grandpa in his dojo [7/25/2017 11:32:41 PM] girl: Like [7/25/2017 11:32:55 PM] girl: See how honorable and japanese your grandpa was [7/25/2017 11:33:00 PM] girl: Like oh my god [7/25/2017 11:33:35 PM] aj: I don't understand how someone does that and thinks they're making a point on anything other than their own ignorance. [7/25/2017 11:34:36 PM] girl: Its so embarrassing [7/25/2017 11:34:45 PM] girl: Im so deeply embarrassed for her [7/25/2017 11:34:50 PM] aj: I feel shame for this person, yes. [7/25/2017 11:35:15 PM] girl: I'm sensitive and it ruins my mornings when she pulls this shit so i finally just told her to fuck off [7/25/2017 11:35:58 PM] aj: I was speaking with my sister earlier about that girl who rolled her car while snapchatting. [7/25/2017 11:36:31 PM] aj: and who, once getting out of her vehicle, instead of calling 911, snapchatted some more while the corpse of her sister was just there. [7/25/2017 11:36:46 PM] girl: oh my god WHAT [7/25/2017 11:37:30 PM] girl: Thats insane?!? [7/25/2017 11:37:49 PM] aj: https://kfiam640.iheart.com/content/2017-07-24-drunk-teen-livestreamed-car-crash-that-killed-her-14-year-old-sister/ [7/25/2017 11:37:59 PM] girl: I mean i also texted ari after i dound my dad but i fucking called the ambulance first(?!?!? [7/25/2017 11:38:03 PM] aj: There's a link because I try and source stuff, anyways [7/25/2017 11:38:12 PM] girl: Oh my god [7/25/2017 11:38:15 PM] girl: Thats [7/25/2017 11:38:17 PM] girl: A bit [7/25/2017 11:38:18 PM] girl: Much [7/25/2017 11:38:42 PM] aj: Livestreaming on instagram, my bad, anyways. [7/25/2017 11:38:53 PM] aj: My sister thinks that people like this are evil. [7/25/2017 11:39:22 PM] aj: So we talked about evil and stuff for a little while. [7/25/2017 11:40:24 PM] aj: The main disagreement we have is that I don't think this person is evil.  My sister can't really comprehend how someone can be so self-absorbed about it all.  She said this girl was "empty", and that's what spooks her. [7/25/2017 11:41:11 PM] aj: To me, though, evil needs malicious intent.  To just not care isn't evil in and of itself.  A lack of empathy, sure.  But evil has to be proactive. [7/25/2017 11:41:58 PM] aj: (Incidentally, the law seems to agree with me because this girl is being tried for manslaughter, which doesn't need malicious intent.) [7/25/2017 11:42:24 PM] aj: Anyways, I bring this up because people do a lot of stupid shit without intent. [7/25/2017 11:43:17 PM] girl: I agree [7/25/2017 11:43:42 PM] aj: Granted.  I'm sort of an asshole in my own interpretations of things, but I'll spare you that.  =P [7/25/2017 11:43:57 PM] girl: Though i dont think its excusable to be super lazy in trying to be at least somewhat empathetic [7/25/2017 11:45:07 PM] girl: I think people with a profound lack of empathy aren't really worth my time/that my specific brand of socialization and problems makes me easily hurt by people like that or easily annoyed [7/25/2017 11:45:13 PM] girl: By people [7/25/2017 11:45:16 PM] girl: Like that [7/25/2017 11:45:50 PM] aj: To a degree, I think empathy is related to socialization.  But I think a lot of it is also genetic and environmental. [7/25/2017 11:46:13 PM] aj: I don't think it's possible to be lazy in empathy.  Sympathy or compassion?  Maybe. [7/25/2017 11:46:31 PM] aj: Empathy is a lot less of a thing you turn on and off and a lot more a background thing. [7/25/2017 11:48:49 PM] girl: I guess compassion is more what I mean in those cases but I tend not to get along with people who lack empathy [7/25/2017 11:49:36 PM] girl: Mostly because I can't make mine stop, and its much easier to be around people who also are like that becayse we pick up on each others feelings really easily and are nice to each other and no one gets hurt or irritated [7/25/2017 11:49:57 PM] aj: This would explain one facet of your love/hate with me. [7/25/2017 11:51:16 PM] aj: I was a lot more empathetic when I was little, but that got throttled out of me and really has never returned.  I rarely feel like empathy is the best solution when trying to solve problems.  Granted, a lot of the time people just want to be heard and don't want you to solve shit, so that's cool. [7/25/2017 11:52:06 PM] girl: I don't think that's true at all [7/25/2017 11:52:16 PM] aj: Which part? [7/25/2017 11:52:29 PM] girl: The part about empathy not being a good way to solve problems [7/25/2017 11:53:13 PM] girl: Maybe not all of them but i think a lot of the highly empathetic women in my life, when theyve learned to kind of reign it in and not waste it on people who dont give a shit [7/25/2017 11:53:30 PM] girl: Are really good and likable leaders [7/25/2017 11:53:40 PM] girl: i just really love kitty too [7/25/2017 11:53:48 PM] girl: But so does everyone else [7/25/2017 11:53:52 PM] aj: Fair. [7/25/2017 11:54:05 PM] aj: I just don't think it's the best solution.  It's a good solution. [7/25/2017 11:54:18 PM] aj: and I think that in some degree it is involved in the best solutions. [7/25/2017 11:54:52 PM] girl: I think that's kind of an unfortunate and/or sad way to think. [7/25/2017 11:55:23 PM] aj: I think you're more optimistic about how long cooperation lasts between individuals and groups. [7/25/2017 11:55:44 PM] aj: I also think that how I think is a sad way to think, though. [7/25/2017 11:56:18 PM] aj: There's no right answer in this one, imo.  It just depends on what your values happen to be. [7/25/2017 11:57:20 PM] aj: Or, put differently, there are only right individual answers, but guiding principles beyond vague notions?  Eh. [7/25/2017 11:58:22 PM] girl: Are you confused/do you not understand why I feel the way I do about you, by the way? [7/25/2017 11:59:01 PM] aj: I don't know how to answer that question. [7/25/2017 11:59:35 PM] girl: ? [7/26/2017 12:00:09 AM] girl: I'm not desperate for an answer i just don't understand [7/26/2017 12:00:36 AM] aj: I know why. [7/26/2017 12:02:09 AM] girl: You just said something that made it sound like you didnt [7/26/2017 12:02:11 AM] girl: Thats all [7/26/2017 12:02:36 AM] aj: Ah, okay. [7/26/2017 12:03:25 AM] girl: What are you doing? [7/26/2017 12:03:39 AM] aj: Right now, looking at apartments. [7/26/2017 12:03:51 AM] girl: Ah [7/26/2017 12:04:06 AM] girl: I really like california but ive only ever been once [7/26/2017 12:04:30 AM] aj: The weather is nice.  I'm already anxious about the sheer amount of people there, though. [7/26/2017 12:04:48 AM] girl: No, twice, but the first time i was just going to maxs parents house becayse we decided on a whim we wanted to drive four hours to see some persian kittens [7/26/2017 12:05:19 AM] girl: I cried a lot because i loved each of them [7/26/2017 12:05:40 AM] girl: Theres a lot of people but... at least its not the east coast? [7/26/2017 12:06:00 AM] aj: I liked the east coast more. [7/26/2017 12:06:14 AM] aj: Or, at least the part above the Mason-Dixon line. [7/26/2017 12:06:52 AM] girl: Seems spooky [7/26/2017 12:06:57 AM] girl: But ive only been to ny [7/26/2017 12:07:12 AM] girl: But the people i know from jersey and florida are all freaks [7/26/2017 12:07:24 AM] aj: Heh [7/26/2017 12:10:06 AM] girl: I'm so out of it lately [7/26/2017 12:10:29 AM] aj: Yeah?  Well, it's not like your aunt has been helping. [7/26/2017 12:10:41 AM] girl: Haha [7/26/2017 12:10:46 AM] girl: Neither of them [7/26/2017 12:12:11 AM] girl: But mostly im just overwhelmingly foggy again, which is okay when im not sad, but its hard not to get frustrated when you have trpuble finishing sentences [7/26/2017 12:12:22 AM] girl: And im the kind of person who cries when im frustrated [7/26/2017 12:12:33 AM] aj: That makes sense.  Reading some of the stuff you wrote earlier made me feel sad. [7/26/2017 12:13:19 AM] girl: Haha [7/26/2017 12:13:29 AM] girl: I have to read it again, i kind of forgot [7/26/2017 12:14:29 AM] girl: Oh yeah [7/26/2017 12:14:35 AM] girl: I was feeling really fussy [7/26/2017 12:15:00 AM] girl: As i am apt to do [7/26/2017 12:15:26 AM] aj: I appreciated that. [7/26/2017 12:15:36 AM] girl: Appreciated whT? [7/26/2017 12:15:47 AM] aj: The explanation, and you mentioning how it feels. [7/26/2017 12:17:17 AM] aj: It's the difference between someone saying they feel sick [7/26/2017 12:17:41 AM] aj: and someone explaining what hurts or aches, and why. [7/26/2017 12:18:51 AM] girl: Silly to appreciate that from me, but a little weirdly heartwarming [7/26/2017 12:19:11 AM] aj: I always hit this same mental snag. [7/26/2017 12:19:23 AM] aj: Someone will say "I feel sick" or something, and I ask a little bit more but not too much. [7/26/2017 12:19:39 AM] aj: I can empathize, but I only have my own experiences to compare to what they say. [7/26/2017 12:20:00 AM] aj: So, I get bothered because I wonder if I am remembering my experiences and applying it to someone else and then feeling bad for them. [7/26/2017 12:20:20 AM] aj: and if that's true, aren't I just being selfish and imagining it all and I never really understood them but just think they feel what I do? [7/26/2017 12:20:43 AM] aj: But asking too many questions is also invasive. [7/26/2017 12:22:18 AM] girl: I don't think that matters much. All that sort of dumb nihilistic stuff is pretty true but if you feel something for someone and want them to be better when they're hurt and are happy when they're happy it's not... fake. Being a self serving person and relating to other people through yourself isnt fake or shallow [7/26/2017 12:22:46 AM] girl: And its not fake or shallow to not understand either [7/26/2017 12:22:58 AM] aj: You're right.  It still bothers me, though.  All of it. [7/26/2017 12:23:19 AM] aj: So I appreciate people that I care about telling me stuff, even if it's a lot of detail or something. [7/26/2017 12:23:35 AM] aj: Because it means I'm less likely to get caught in that loop. [7/26/2017 12:24:10 AM] girl: I'm glad its something you like and isnt annoying, then. [7/26/2017 12:25:01 AM] girl: Talking excessively always helps me more than it doesnt [7/26/2017 12:26:58 AM] girl: It's a lot easier to sort things out on paper or out loud or in text, even if its just to myself. Because im forgetful and sit at a sort of baseline where i dont think much about what im doing or feeling, so it helps me remember, and feel less lile theres something really annoying and painful bothering me that i cant figure out [7/26/2017 12:27:11 AM] girl: And journaling is kind of lonely haha [7/26/2017 12:29:10 AM] aj: That makes sense [7/26/2017 12:31:59 AM] girl: I worry about being a burden a lot too when i know i shouldnt care so much [7/26/2017 12:32:26 AM] girl: I'm always relieved when you dont think so but id know why if you did [7/26/2017 12:37:47 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 12:37:59 AM] aj: I'd let you know if it was a burden. [7/26/2017 12:40:07 AM] girl: Haha [7/26/2017 12:40:16 AM] girl: I'd probably cry [7/26/2017 12:40:32 AM] aj: Probably. [7/26/2017 12:40:41 AM] aj: You'd also say something about being a princess, probably. [7/26/2017 12:40:50 AM] girl: I am a princess [7/26/2017 12:41:09 AM] aj: Mhm. [7/26/2017 12:41:57 AM] girl: Do you not think so? [7/26/2017 12:42:25 AM] aj: Hmm. [7/26/2017 12:42:28 AM] aj: You're... [7/26/2017 12:42:31 AM] aj: A Treasure Princess. [7/26/2017 12:42:50 AM] girl: I'm rolling my eyes [7/26/2017 12:43:03 AM] aj: Uh huh. [7/26/2017 12:43:57 AM] girl: I am a princess [7/26/2017 12:44:14 AM] girl: It's not my fault you don't believe me [7/26/2017 12:44:28 AM] aj: I just said you're a treasure princess. [7/26/2017 12:45:18 AM] girl: its disrespectful to put me on the same level as you... if you think you are...... treasure [7/26/2017 12:45:21 AM] girl: Garbage freak [7/26/2017 12:45:45 AM] aj: Such uncouth language for a princess. [7/26/2017 12:46:12 AM] girl: Princesses can say whateber they want to [7/26/2017 12:46:37 AM] aj: Commoners would think princesses are like that. [7/26/2017 12:46:52 AM] aj: Not that you're a commoner.  Just.  That's what commoners would think. [7/26/2017 12:48:18 AM] girl: Dogs don't get to talk to princesses like that (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 12:48:36 AM] aj: I agree. [7/26/2017 12:48:51 AM] aj: You should warn me if any princesses show up. [7/26/2017 12:49:05 AM] girl: Thats so mean [7/26/2017 12:49:22 AM] aj: You called me a dog. [7/26/2017 12:50:25 AM] girl: Dogs are cute~~ [7/26/2017 12:50:48 AM] aj: You're not saving it that way. [7/26/2017 12:51:14 AM] aj: Commoner. [7/26/2017 12:51:40 AM] girl: Dog! [7/26/2017 12:52:01 AM] girl: I'm a princess, and, everyone else thinks so, so... [7/26/2017 12:52:22 AM] aj: Oh, so that's what you're relying on, now. [7/26/2017 12:52:27 AM] aj: I mean, that's fine. [7/26/2017 12:53:14 AM] aj: You're free to believe what they tell you if that's what you want, and all.  I won't stop you. [7/26/2017 12:53:27 AM] girl: Youre so mean [7/26/2017 12:53:34 AM] girl: You are being so awful [7/26/2017 12:53:41 AM] aj: You started this. [7/26/2017 12:53:42 AM] girl: To such a nice girl? [7/26/2017 12:53:54 AM] aj: You started this. [7/26/2017 12:53:58 AM] girl: Oh my god. You're so awful. [7/26/2017 12:54:09 AM] girl: I'm feeling very gaslit tbh [7/26/2017 12:54:32 AM] aj: Fine, I won't say you started this. [7/26/2017 12:55:19 AM] aj: I will say that I have never heard of a story where a princess argues with a dog. [7/26/2017 12:55:28 AM] girl: Such a bad way to treat a girl who likes you so much :/. [7/26/2017 12:56:02 AM] aj: Someone still thinks I'm a dog. [7/26/2017 12:56:45 AM] girl: Because dogs are kind of cute and kind of dumb [7/26/2017 12:57:23 AM] girl: and even if they bite you a little its hard to be very mad (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 12:57:46 AM] girl: But i wont do it if it makes you feel fussy [7/26/2017 12:57:52 AM] aj: Then... [7/26/2017 12:57:54 AM] aj: if I'm a dog... [7/26/2017 12:58:07 AM] aj: It'll be hard for you to be mad at me if I say you aren't a princess! [7/26/2017 12:58:20 AM] girl: aj... [7/26/2017 12:58:28 AM] girl: I'm not mad. [7/26/2017 12:58:39 AM] girl: I'm just very disappointed. [7/26/2017 12:58:48 AM] girl: (´・ω・｀) [7/26/2017 12:58:48 AM] aj: I knew that was coming! [7/26/2017 12:59:01 AM] aj: Did it feel good when you typed it? [7/26/2017 12:59:04 AM] aj: I would have been laughing. [7/26/2017 12:59:14 AM] girl: (´・ω・｀) [7/26/2017 12:59:21 AM] aj: I'm almost jealous you got to do that one and not me. [7/26/2017 12:59:33 AM] girl: It never feels good to be disappointed by someone you thought was on your side.... [7/26/2017 12:59:42 AM] girl: But i manage, somehow [7/26/2017 12:59:51 AM] aj: You're so brave. [7/26/2017 12:59:55 AM] aj: The bravest. [7/26/2017 12:59:58 AM] aj: You. [7/26/2017 1:00:16 AM] girl: Yes its true im quite brave and strong and tall [7/26/2017 1:00:32 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) i dont know how i do it all [7/26/2017 1:00:39 AM] aj: Two out of three ain't bade? [7/26/2017 1:00:42 AM] aj: bad, too. [7/26/2017 1:00:57 AM] girl: i guess it just comes with the territory u know? being a princess and all [7/26/2017 1:01:13 AM] aj: I wouldn't know, because I am all those things and not a princess. [7/26/2017 1:01:23 AM] aj: In fact, if I recall, I'm taller than you. [7/26/2017 1:01:24 AM] girl: You wont be saying that when i wear my tallman shoes....... [7/26/2017 1:01:28 AM] aj: Shock.  Dismay. [7/26/2017 1:01:40 AM] aj: I will, because it would be the shoes that are tall.  Not you. [7/26/2017 1:01:53 AM] aj: I will remark to the shoes that they are tall. [7/26/2017 1:02:10 AM] aj: and they will smile because they'd finally be recognized for it. [7/26/2017 1:02:13 AM] girl: http://www.tallmenshoes.com [7/26/2017 1:02:41 AM] girl: Tall man shoes ... five inch taller even [7/26/2017 1:02:55 AM] girl: I could be 6'1". No one would even know.. [7/26/2017 1:02:58 AM] aj: I should wear those, and tower over you even more. [7/26/2017 1:03:07 AM] girl: THEY ARE NOT FOR TALL FREAKS [7/26/2017 1:03:59 AM] girl: And anyway [7/26/2017 1:04:07 AM] aj: That's a response I'd expect from a short person. [7/26/2017 1:04:31 AM] girl: >:). Dogs arent so tall when theyre on all fours. [7/26/2017 1:04:40 AM] girl: Ew... emoji....... [7/26/2017 1:05:00 AM] girl: (avocadolove) [7/26/2017 1:05:16 AM] aj: I'm so lucky I disabled emojis. [7/26/2017 1:05:33 AM] girl: I need to lol they keep getting uglier [7/26/2017 1:05:49 AM] girl: It shocks me how fucking ugly they are ot makes me want to kill whoever is in charge of emojis [7/26/2017 1:06:09 AM] aj: and, I'd stride the world as a tall person, in tall person shoes [7/26/2017 1:06:12 AM] aj: and look down upon you. [7/26/2017 1:06:31 AM] girl: bigger are , harder fall (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 1:06:34 AM] aj: and ask you how the world of the dwarves was. [7/26/2017 1:06:44 AM] girl: ill kill you [7/26/2017 1:06:56 AM] aj: Not if my laughter does me in first. [7/26/2017 1:07:04 AM] girl: I'm not a dwarf [7/26/2017 1:07:15 AM] aj: Oh, right [7/26/2017 1:07:16 AM] aj: Sorry [7/26/2017 1:07:22 AM] aj: Dwarf Princess. [7/26/2017 1:07:23 AM] girl: I'm 5'6" and im too round to be a dwarf!! [7/26/2017 1:07:32 AM] girl: EAT SHIT AND DIE [7/26/2017 1:07:37 AM] aj: Dwarf Princesses are round, I think. [7/26/2017 1:07:51 AM] girl: Its different.... [7/26/2017 1:08:15 AM] girl: My proportions would look wrong on shortnessnand that is why im tall [7/26/2017 1:08:29 AM] girl: I'm reallt going to cry [7/26/2017 1:08:48 AM] girl: Its so mean to call me a DWARF dwarves are not cute!!! [7/26/2017 1:09:29 AM] girl: THEY ARE LIKE WEIRD GNOMES im not a gnome!!! Even if i like mushrooms!! It doesnt make me a gnome!! [7/26/2017 1:10:46 AM] girl: im too cute to be a gnome... even when im an old lady i will be cute and round and not like a gnome at all [7/26/2017 1:14:07 AM] girl: I hope the best apartment you can find is a hole in the ground with no natural lightinf so that you can sit in the dark by yourself and think about wjat youve done [7/26/2017 1:14:21 AM] aj: That's pretty comfy. [7/26/2017 1:14:25 AM] aj: By Dwarf standards. [7/26/2017 1:14:52 AM] girl: Why do you fluster me so much [7/26/2017 1:15:13 AM] girl: I shouldnt care about the opinion of some lousy dog [7/26/2017 1:15:41 AM] girl: Youre going to kill me you know? [7/26/2017 1:16:05 AM] girl: i can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing into the heavens nd soon i will die from it [7/26/2017 1:16:28 AM] aj: Can I have your Dwarven treasure after you die? [7/26/2017 1:16:53 AM] girl: Im crying i hate you [7/26/2017 1:17:05 AM] girl: I'm so fucking cute and nice and youre being so mean [7/26/2017 1:17:19 AM] girl: I'm a high stress individual!!! [7/26/2017 1:17:29 AM] girl: I cry at puppies!! [7/26/2017 1:17:45 AM] girl: I need TO BE TREATED TENDERLY [7/26/2017 1:18:22 AM] aj: You. [7/26/2017 1:18:24 AM] aj: Started. [7/26/2017 1:18:25 AM] aj: This. [7/26/2017 1:18:53 AM] girl: I'm SORRY! [7/26/2017 1:19:15 AM] girl: you're not a dog!! just a very mean and terrible man!! who makes girls cry! [7/26/2017 1:19:29 AM] aj: See, if you stopped at that first part? [7/26/2017 1:19:34 AM] aj: That first part right there? [7/26/2017 1:19:37 AM] aj: Perfection. [7/26/2017 1:20:02 AM] girl: :((( [7/26/2017 1:20:12 AM] aj: You just couldn't stop yourself, could you? [7/26/2017 1:20:17 AM] girl: be nice im a tender fucking woman [7/26/2017 1:20:33 AM] aj: I could make so many jokes on that phrasing. [7/26/2017 1:20:49 AM] girl: I AM A TENDER AND SOFT HEARTED GIRL !! [7/26/2017 1:21:01 AM] girl: ;_; [7/26/2017 1:21:58 AM] aj: and short.  Don't forget short. [7/26/2017 1:22:50 AM] girl: I'm not that short... [7/26/2017 1:23:24 AM] aj:  /headpat [7/26/2017 1:23:34 AM] aj: No, of course you're not, sweetie. [7/26/2017 1:25:01 AM] girl: Dont you sweetie me [7/26/2017 1:25:16 AM] girl: Two inches taller than average is at least a little tall... [7/26/2017 1:25:29 AM] girl: Plus im asian, so you have to give me some credit there [7/26/2017 1:25:51 AM] girl: like, my body has truly done all she can to become tall... shes doing a good job... [7/26/2017 1:26:26 AM] aj: I just agreed with you. [7/26/2017 1:26:32 AM] aj: I don't know what more you want. [7/26/2017 1:27:28 AM] aj: If only I could LIFT you out of this height obsession. [7/26/2017 1:27:34 AM] girl: I dont know im feeling sensitive okay!! [7/26/2017 1:27:53 AM] girl: you couldnt im very heavy and cumbersome to carry!! [7/26/2017 1:28:46 AM] aj: I could go for another shot or two at height, but I feel like being nice. [7/26/2017 1:30:27 AM] girl: wiki says most japanese women are 5'2"... four more inches is not BAD... [7/26/2017 1:30:40 AM] girl: I could probably carry YOU! I can carry ari [7/26/2017 1:30:59 AM] aj: Nah.  I could probably carry you, though. [7/26/2017 1:31:24 AM] girl: I could! Ari is taller than you... and used to be fatter.... im very talented!! [7/26/2017 1:32:21 AM] girl: Kitty can carry me but most people cannot... ari can sometimes [7/26/2017 1:33:10 AM] girl: but i carry ari all the time. Fun party trick little girlfriend carry big boyfriend. [7/26/2017 1:33:18 AM] aj: I'm like, 235 and around 15% bodyfat.  I haven't weighed myself recently. [7/26/2017 1:33:45 AM] girl: Ive carried ari at bigger (´・ω・｀) [7/26/2017 1:34:04 AM] girl: (´・ω・｀) im strong girl [7/26/2017 1:34:13 AM] aj: Yeah, now, I wanna know how much you weigh so I can say If I could carry you or not. [7/26/2017 1:35:06 AM] girl: I think around the same... maybe heavier or lighter depending on how much adderall im doing [7/26/2017 1:35:21 AM] aj: Same as me? [7/26/2017 1:35:35 AM] girl: Yeah! [7/26/2017 1:35:40 AM] aj: I could carry you. [7/26/2017 1:36:10 AM] girl: Nt for long bitch.... swallows 1000 protein powder [7/26/2017 1:36:23 AM] aj: Hmm. [7/26/2017 1:36:43 AM] aj: For at least half a minute.  Depends on how I was carrying you. [7/26/2017 1:37:12 AM] girl: I could carry you around my house (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 1:37:28 AM] aj: Yeah, but why would you, when I could carry you around your house. [7/26/2017 1:37:42 AM] girl: I CPULD spin you around probably [7/26/2017 1:37:51 AM] girl: I can spin hope around its quite cute [7/26/2017 1:38:38 AM] girl: Brittany my other dumb middle school friend is like the size of my forearm. I could probably throw her   [7/26/2017 1:39:03 AM] girl: the only thing i cant do is give you a ride on my back because youre a tall horrible freak [7/26/2017 1:39:59 AM] aj: You're being cute. [7/26/2017 1:41:11 AM] girl: im demonstrating that i am very strong and tall... Aggressive and territorial behavior [7/26/2017 1:41:33 AM] girl: dont fluster me [7/26/2017 1:42:01 AM] aj: I mean, you're being cute. [7/26/2017 1:42:28 AM] aj: I could spin you around, and pick you up.  Probably if I did it just right, you could ride on my back. [7/26/2017 1:42:43 AM] girl: That sounds fake and like a lie [7/26/2017 1:42:55 AM] aj: The back part I'm iffy on. [7/26/2017 1:43:08 AM] aj: The most I've put on my back is like, 225 pounds. [7/26/2017 1:43:44 AM] girl: don't call me cute.. i mean do because it nurtures my tender little ego but im flustered so [7/26/2017 1:43:56 AM] girl: i dont think ive ever been on anyomes back LOL [7/26/2017 1:44:10 AM] girl: except for when i was like, a kid [7/26/2017 1:44:31 AM] girl: I would be very scared about breakinf someones fucking spine [7/26/2017 1:45:19 AM] aj: I took up lifting weights like... I guess a year and a half ago, now.  My numbers aren't super impressive or anything.  Nor is my bodytype or anything, so I don't like mentioning it.  But my point is that for sure I could pick you up and spin you. [7/26/2017 1:45:46 AM] girl: I tried it for a little while but its so boring.... [7/26/2017 1:46:08 AM] aj: It's boring, but it's something I just do for me. [7/26/2017 1:46:19 AM] aj: I feel better when I do, and my posture is good now. [7/26/2017 1:46:22 AM] aj: So yeah. [7/26/2017 1:47:06 AM] girl: I compensate for my lack of arm strength by having rly strong legs from carrying around my fat little hips all day [7/26/2017 1:48:01 AM] aj: Sounds right. [7/26/2017 1:48:06 AM] girl: My hip width is extremely... cumbersome.... LOL. Speaking of which [7/26/2017 1:48:31 AM] aj: You'll fluster me if you keep being cute. [7/26/2017 1:48:50 AM] girl: You're flusterinf me you fucking idiot [7/26/2017 1:48:59 AM] girl: It's not cute... I should [7/26/2017 1:49:04 AM] girl: Draw something really quick [7/26/2017 1:49:24 AM] girl: I mean it IS cute when im standing up but its Like [7/26/2017 1:49:29 AM] girl: Let me justt [7/26/2017 1:53:28 AM] girl: Nnightmarish [7/26/2017 1:53:49 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 1:53:58 AM] aj: Should I say the cute thing or should I spare you? [7/26/2017 1:54:36 AM] girl: Hmm [7/26/2017 1:55:11 AM] girl: Embarrassed / Pleased ratio approximation [7/26/2017 1:55:20 AM] girl: ? [7/26/2017 1:55:25 AM] aj: 1:1 [7/26/2017 1:55:53 AM] girl: Oh boy [7/26/2017 1:57:00 AM] girl: am i being praised or is it just to tease me [7/26/2017 1:57:23 AM] aj: Neither. [7/26/2017 1:57:57 AM] girl: Hmmmm... I guess I'm morw curious than afraid [7/26/2017 1:58:03 AM] girl: Hit me [7/26/2017 1:58:34 AM] aj: The text under the arrow is wrong. [7/26/2017 1:58:49 AM] aj: It should read: "Arm of big spoon goes here." [7/26/2017 1:59:03 AM] girl: AJ [7/26/2017 1:59:11 AM] girl: THATS SO FUCKING GAY LOL [7/26/2017 1:59:16 AM] aj: =P [7/26/2017 2:00:17 AM] girl: Dont you =p me you little demon [7/26/2017 2:00:40 AM] aj: Was it 1:1? [7/26/2017 2:01:00 AM] aj: I want to know if my approximation was correct. [7/26/2017 2:01:08 AM] girl: None of your business [7/26/2017 2:03:11 AM] aj: Hmmph. [7/26/2017 2:03:22 AM] girl: Baby. [7/26/2017 2:03:50 AM] aj: I was just pretty sure I was right on the dot for that approximation. [7/26/2017 2:06:21 AM] girl: I don't know [7/26/2017 2:06:59 AM] girl: It's embarrassing to keep thinking about [7/26/2017 2:07:11 AM] aj: Fair enough. [7/26/2017 2:07:19 AM] aj: and, I'll =P as I please. [7/26/2017 2:07:32 AM] girl: !! [7/26/2017 2:07:39 AM] girl: The nerve [7/26/2017 2:07:49 AM] aj: You appreciate it. [7/26/2017 2:09:24 AM] girl: Appreciate what? [7/26/2017 2:10:30 AM] aj: The nerve. [7/26/2017 2:10:56 AM] girl: Only sometimes, and mostly because im a masochist [7/26/2017 2:11:40 AM] girl: The other part of that being because its kind of fun to be shocked by someone's blatantly horrible behavior [7/26/2017 2:12:39 AM] girl: But I'm also a finnicky girl who wants exactly what i want most times and cries and cries of injustive when  things don't go my way. Sometimes. [7/26/2017 2:13:26 AM] girl: Well. Kitty says I chastise myself too much for having normal traumatized girl reactions to things but I also think I'm perfectly capable of being a brat. [7/26/2017 2:14:17 AM] girl: What im saying is yes, a little, but only when you do it right and don't trample on my sensitive and finnicky little heart [7/26/2017 2:14:29 AM] girl: =p is ugly too [7/26/2017 2:14:52 AM] aj: See you always add something on the end. [7/26/2017 2:15:21 AM] aj: and, considering any talking to you whatsoever is blatantly horrible behavior [7/26/2017 2:16:21 AM] aj: and you cry injustice and are a self-professed brat.  Well.  I don't really know what to say. [7/26/2017 2:17:48 AM] girl: That doesn't bother me much at the moment. I've come to terms with the fact that I am a sick baby who feels much more comforted when you're around than when you're not, so you only have to worry about that a little [7/26/2017 2:19:10 AM] girl: Like I said, do what you want but do your best not to make me cry. idiot [7/26/2017 2:22:28 AM] aj: I mostly just tease and try to listen to you. [7/26/2017 2:22:53 AM] aj: You're easily flustered, so I guess I do that, too. [7/26/2017 2:23:25 AM] aj: Sometimes I mean to.  Sometimes I don't.  I'm messed up, but I also realize that if I just cut contact with you, you'd hate me more than if I was around and messed up. [7/26/2017 2:24:38 AM] girl: Im not fussed [7/26/2017 2:24:51 AM] girl: Just being a little mean, not entirely on purpose [7/26/2017 2:25:00 AM | Removed 2:32:45 AM] aj: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 2:25:06 AM] girl: Ew [7/26/2017 2:25:23 AM] girl: Looks like a power outlet [7/26/2017 2:26:21 AM] aj: Dummy. [7/26/2017 2:28:05 AM] girl: Youre a dummy... [7/26/2017 2:28:17 AM] girl: The face is too close together... eyes [7/26/2017 2:29:35 AM] girl: I feel like getting drunk but I dont feel like drinking like. Grand marnier by itself. 🙄🙄🙄🙄 [7/26/2017 2:30:13 AM] girl: Mostly because... its boring to be... understimulated... [7/26/2017 2:30:58 AM | Removed 2:32:27 AM] aj: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 2:32:08 AM] girl: I hate it... [7/26/2017 2:33:05 AM] girl: Did you just delete that so you wouldnt have to look at the emoji... [7/26/2017 2:33:21 AM] aj: Yep. [7/26/2017 2:33:28 AM] girl: ...... [7/26/2017 2:34:15 AM] girl: Honestly [7/26/2017 2:34:28 AM] girl: At least i dont have to look at that stupid face [7/26/2017 2:34:38 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 2:36:25 AM] girl: It's weird to me how i could still strangely feel so... actively... warm about you. It doesn't bother me much, I'm complicit whn it comes to caring about my own freak indulgences [7/26/2017 2:37:39 AM] girl: I didn't word that last part quite the way i wanted to but you get me [7/26/2017 2:37:58 AM] aj: Yeah, I understand. [7/26/2017 2:43:20 AM] girl: I am so [7/26/2017 2:45:59 AM] girl: Sad that [7/26/2017 2:46:15 AM] girl: This picture of a cat with impact text saying [7/26/2017 2:46:26 AM] girl: Hop in we are going to chernobyl isnt sending [7/26/2017 2:47:26 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 2:47:46 AM] girl: Important picture [7/26/2017 2:48:50 AM] aj: I'm getting some rest. [7/26/2017 2:48:59 AM] aj: Sleep well when you do. [7/26/2017 2:49:10 AM] girl: I'm getting some [7/26/2017 2:49:17 AM] girl: alcohol in my sick litttle body [7/26/2017 2:49:24 AM] girl: 💤💤💤 [7/26/2017 2:50:24 AM] aj: I think that on every level, we probably drastically disagree with each other.  I think that those disagreements wouldn't be possible to reconcile, too.  But... [7/26/2017 2:50:35 AM] aj: I'm happy people like you exist, and that you exist. [7/26/2017 2:50:53 AM] girl: Thats gay [7/26/2017 2:51:02 AM] girl: Dont make me cry when im not even drunk at all [7/26/2017 2:51:51 AM] aj: Stupid. [7/26/2017 2:51:58 AM] girl: Youre stupid [7/26/2017 2:52:08 AM] aj: Yeah, I am. [7/26/2017 2:52:21 AM] girl: I knew you'd say that [7/26/2017 2:53:26 AM] girl: <3 bye [7/26/2017 2:53:32 AM] aj: It's the truth.  Seeya. [7/26/2017 5:36:30 AM | Removed 5:42:43 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:36:45 AM | Removed 5:42:50 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:37:25 AM | Removed 5:42:57 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:37:35 AM | Removed 5:43:10 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:41:21 AM | Removed 5:43:03 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:42:40 AM | Removed 5:43:16 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 11:32:22 AM] aj: Probably for the best that I didn't see that stuff, eh? [7/26/2017 11:33:04 AM] girl: Oh my god [7/26/2017 11:33:16 AM] girl: It tells you that i deleted things????? [7/26/2017 11:33:44 AM] aj: Mhm. [7/26/2017 11:34:31 AM] girl: Aye yi yi [7/26/2017 11:34:40 AM] girl: It wasn't anything serious [7/26/2017 11:34:47 AM] girl: I was just being embarrassing [7/26/2017 11:35:59 AM] girl: I was thinking abt texting you though but I didn't want to be obnoxious lol but if youre on later I have... even... more... family drama loool [7/26/2017 11:36:19 AM] girl: ari is like pisst [7/26/2017 11:37:12 AM] aj: Sorry to hear that last part.  I'll be on late, again. [7/26/2017 11:37:18 AM] aj: but might check this later. [7/26/2017 11:37:53 AM] aj: So you can if you like.  It's not obnoxious [7/26/2017 11:38:35 AM] girl: Mmkay [7/26/2017 11:39:33 AM] girl: I'm gonna eat waffles and caffeine the irritability away [7/26/2017 11:39:46 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 11:40:07 AM] aj: Alright.  I was just concerned you were okay. [7/26/2017 11:56:38 AM] girl: Nah m fine [7/26/2017 11:56:48 AM] girl: Just annoyed and stressed [7/26/2017 12:29:43 PM] girl: This hot little mess LOL.... she had a fourth child after my brother came along. When she was already making her kids share rooms..... which is an interesting choice.... [7/26/2017 12:30:19 PM] girl: Likr maybe dont have another baby when your husband is never home and you've taken legal guardianship of my brother??? [7/26/2017 12:36:35 PM] girl: This is the daughter of the one who made the slightly insensitive racial comments [7/26/2017 3:17:32 PM] girl: Lol im su h a crybaby i hate her so fucking much [7/26/2017 3:23:08 PM] girl: I hate her sooo fucking much [7/26/2017 3:23:45 PM] girl: I'm not equipped to take care of a 15 year old but she clearly doesn't Fucking know how either [7/26/2017 3:24:20 PM] girl: Idfk what to do looool there are so many people im looking forward to never talking to again [7/26/2017 3:41:37 PM] girl: Anyway i hope she and her creep ass husband die alone [7/26/2017 6:03:04 PM] girl: Ohhh my god [7/26/2017 6:03:24 PM] girl: Sorry for all this but you did give me permission so im going on ahead but ahe fucking [7/26/2017 6:03:35 PM] girl: Left me this scary ass voice message [7/26/2017 6:04:39 PM] girl: She sounded like she was trying and failing to contain her rage by being peppy after i said well talk next week bc i need to figure thimhs out [7/26/2017 6:05:31 PM] girl: And she like immediately called me after I said like, no, you just sprung this on me out of nowhere, im gonna call you next week lol [7/26/2017 6:08:02 PM] girl: Seemed like a creepy little way to try and assert power over mw lol shes like the younger morw evil version of her already quite evil and annoying mother [7/26/2017 9:20:01 PM] girl: Sweaty..... [7/26/2017 11:25:42 PM] girl: I slept a lot in bed and its so hot.... [7/27/2017 1:33:50 AM] girl: Anyway thats my. Psycho aunt problems and mow im a bit drunk again but its ooookay [7/27/2017 1:33:56 AM] girl: Cousin i mean [7/27/2017 1:33:59 AM] girl: Whatever. [7/27/2017 1:34:18 AM] girl: I'm making an egg at 1:30 am bc i respect myswlf [7/27/2017 1:42:16 AM] girl: Hmm [7/27/2017 1:42:21 AM] girl: Sometimes in life [7/27/2017 1:42:26 AM] girl: You are just [7/27/2017 1:42:41 AM] girl: Drunk enough to rhink that the cinammon is paprika :((( [7/27/2017 1:54:30 AM] aj: lmao [7/27/2017 1:54:34 AM] aj: Fail. [7/27/2017 1:55:23 AM] girl: Im shocked [7/27/2017 1:55:27 AM] girl: You said [7/27/2017 1:55:32 AM] girl: fail... [7/27/2017 1:55:54 AM] aj: You added cinnamon instead of paprika. [7/27/2017 1:55:58 AM] aj: What else was I supposed to say? [7/27/2017 1:56:20 AM] girl: I'm INEBNRIATED [7/27/2017 1:56:38 AM] aj: Sure, that means it's funny on top of being stupid. [7/27/2017 1:56:43 AM] aj: Instead of just being stupid. [7/27/2017 1:57:31 AM] girl: i thought it would be okay to. Um. [7/27/2017 1:58:07 AM] girl: Finish my boyfriends drink even though i know im a little fucking light weight. And. It wasn't as okay as i initially thought it would be [7/27/2017 1:58:47 AM] aj: You suffer from a chronic case of bad judgment, don't you? [7/27/2017 1:59:38 AM] girl: Shut up??? [7/27/2017 2:00:05 AM] girl: Anywathats my drama [7/27/2017 2:00:29 AM] girl: I'm fucking love lana del rey and i cannot wait to be estranged from most of my family or they die [7/27/2017 2:14:59 AM] aj: Heh.  I'm getting some rest. [7/27/2017 2:15:09 AM] aj: Sleep well when you do.  Don't make more dumb mistakes. [7/27/2017 2:15:34 AM] girl: Yourw dumb [7/27/2017 2:15:36 AM] girl: Idiot [7/27/2017 2:16:01 AM] aj: I'm not cinnamon-in-my-eggs dumb [7/27/2017 2:16:22 AM] girl: Shut up [7/27/2017 2:16:26 AM] girl: Thats not my fault [7/27/2017 2:16:33 AM] girl: The bottles look VERY SIMILAR [7/27/2017 2:16:58 AM] aj: I can't imagine who else could be at fault. [7/27/2017 2:17:13 AM] girl: Oh my god [7/27/2017 2:17:20 AM] girl: Piss off, eat shit and Die [7/27/2017 2:17:31 AM] girl: It was a really hard time [7/27/2017 12:13:42 PM] girl: Hhh [7/27/2017 12:13:52 PM] girl: Im s tired [7/27/2017 10:14:41 PM] girl: why is everyone so fucked up and inappropriate [7/27/2017 10:14:54 PM] girl: so so fucked up and inappropriate it is SHOCKING and offensive?! [7/27/2017 10:16:58 PM] girl: this girl elliot just came over and told me about all this shit my lesbian friends i have a lot of lesbian.friends. did in the woods. when they hung out together. and one of them said 'wow you have saggy old lady tits just like me' to some other girl and its like UM THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE MISS [7/27/2017 10:18:04 PM] girl: act fucking normal you fucking freak. she then left her a note later (everyone was leaving notes. to each other) about how she 'saw (herself) in (the other girl) and (her) pendulum breasts' [7/27/2017 10:19:10 PM] girl: IF ANYONE EVER SAID THAT TO ME ID FUCKING DECK THEM!!! [7/27/2017 10:19:36 PM] girl: i was shocked. shocked. i was shaken to my fucking core i could not believe that sick little freak said that. and also she said it to like a fat girl and she is NOT FAT and it's NOT THE SAME and it was fucked up of her. i would throw her to jail [7/28/2017 2:18:35 AM] aj: I'm shocked.  Absolutely shocked.  I was under the impression that lesbians were the last bastion of appropriate and inoffensive behavior. [7/28/2017 2:19:20 AM] aj: But really, everyone is messed up. [7/28/2017 2:19:26 AM] aj: That transcends all boundaries. [7/28/2017 2:26:10 AM] girl: Aj [7/28/2017 2:26:49 AM] girl: There are a lot of lesbians who are good and right and there are a lot of lesbians who do their best despite being a bit on the spectrum [7/28/2017 2:27:00 AM] aj: Isn't that the same for everyone? [7/28/2017 2:27:22 AM] girl: No you fool [7/28/2017 2:28:49 AM] girl: Lesbian community is like a bunch of normal girls and a bunch of like very sensitive freaks yelling and mostly wveruone gets alomg because it's understood that you let screamers scream and gently guide them away from spiraling into hell [7/28/2017 2:29:27 AM] girl: Im not a lespbian but im the favorite bihet [7/28/2017 2:29:32 AM] aj: I fail to see how that's different from most other groupings in humanity, aside from orientation. [7/28/2017 2:30:13 AM] aj: Your description covers most of humanity, in one form or another. [7/28/2017 2:30:19 AM] girl: Less explicit focus on hierarchy in my experience [7/28/2017 2:30:32 AM] girl: And nobody gets along [7/28/2017 2:31:50 AM] aj: I'll give you the hierarchy thing.  But that seems more common in female dominant groups? [7/28/2017 2:32:11 AM] girl: What does [7/28/2017 2:32:31 AM] aj: Female dominant groups seem less focused on strictly defined hierarchies. [7/28/2017 2:32:43 AM] aj: They still exist, but they're less overt, is what I mean. [7/28/2017 2:32:48 AM] girl: Yeah [7/28/2017 2:33:13 AM] girl: They also like to hang out in the woods together. Like a lot [7/28/2017 2:33:29 AM] girl: I was gonna go hang out in the woods but i really hate camping a lot [7/28/2017 2:33:57 AM] aj: but I think that's more intrinsic to female group behavior than lesbians.  I actually wonder if it'd be less than het groups of women, due to some signaling coming from lesbians that go for more butch attitudes/mannerisms. [7/28/2017 2:34:19 AM] aj: I'm speaking out of my depth of experience, so don't take anything I say as stuff other than speculation. [7/28/2017 2:35:50 AM] girl: It's a topic i have a lot of theories on. I think with het women there is. A tendency to preen weirdly but even so i like the company of girls alone and the absence of someone were all intimidated by [7/28/2017 2:36:30 AM] girl: I don't talk about it much though [7/28/2017 2:36:48 AM] aj: Yeah, I've noticed the het women preening or a hierarchy that forms.  But considering I'm a man, the only time I can observe it is when some or all of that group is around men.  Privately, it might be wholly different.  All male groups act entirely different when not around females. [7/28/2017 2:37:09 AM] aj: I just have no idea how lesbians organize, esp. in the absence of men. [7/28/2017 2:37:44 AM] girl: Yeah. Girls are much more quiet and conscious of their speech patterns and posture around men and i find it a little [7/28/2017 2:37:47 AM] girl: Heartbreaking [7/28/2017 2:39:00 AM] girl: I do it too lol but men treat girls better and more like people they want to be close to and people they can tryst if they also think they have a chance with thwm romantically. In my... experience [7/28/2017 2:39:10 AM] aj: Men are much more competitive and prone to throwing each other under the bus if female attention is available.  Without females around, men usually take a little time to establish a hierarchy, and then everyone cooperates really, really well. [7/28/2017 2:40:11 AM] aj: Yeah, you're right in that.  But without that pressure for female attention, men are more able to be open with each other.  Even emotionally.  It's really sad because I've seen guys do each other wrong over stupid, stupid shit that had to do with the opposite sex. [7/28/2017 2:40:54 AM] girl: Like even with girls ive been attracted or girls who have been attracted to me or both to ive been able to be really close to without feeling my relationship is going to disappear if nothing happens in that department [7/28/2017 2:41:26 AM] girl: And with men I consistently hit a wall there i think [7/28/2017 2:42:21 AM] girl: Like i can only get so close to a Man [7/28/2017 2:42:51 AM] girl: Unless I also want to be his girlfriend or his mommy lol [7/28/2017 2:43:32 AM] girl: Which really doesn't help my self esteem but thats why i hang out with lesbians who love me despite my glaring faults like being a little bihet (´・ω・｀) [7/28/2017 2:43:44 AM] aj: That's understandable. [7/28/2017 2:44:29 AM] aj: Men work differently, I think.  Everything I'm about to say could be torn to pieces by someone who studies that field for a living.  But... [7/28/2017 2:46:36 AM] aj: Even if we were somehow a fully equal society.  I think that the men who reproduced, for a long period of time, were the ones that had stronger provider instincts.  I think that correlating with this provider instinct is also an inability to differentiate emotional closeness from romantic notions. [7/28/2017 2:47:32 AM] aj: We could say it's socialization and culture and we just need to raise men differently, but I feel like there are compelling biological reasons that have some hand in this, at a vague level? [7/28/2017 2:48:11 AM] aj: and the only thing I can think of that would make it biological is long-term selection for certain traits. [7/28/2017 2:49:02 AM] girl: I'm not really bothered by the idea that things are biologically different but I think men are brought up sickly [7/28/2017 2:49:55 AM] girl: It doesn't matter much [7/28/2017 2:50:35 AM] aj: In three generations, every last expectation that men were supposed to meet has been upended.  We're in this weird mix and it's difficult to adapt.  Like trying to wear baby shoes as an adolescent. [7/28/2017 2:50:45 AM] aj: I agree there are problems with how men are brought up. [7/28/2017 2:51:06 AM] aj: I just really don't have a solution. [7/28/2017 2:51:42 AM] aj: It's possible that cultural changes will only accelerate more and more, requiring people to constantly socialize.  Like some sort of Red Queen Alice in Wonderland shit.  I dunno. [7/28/2017 2:52:08 AM] aj: Or that we get a new norm as things stratify again.  Or the modern world shits itself and we unlearn everything. [7/28/2017 2:52:19 AM] aj: But, yeah.  Men are brought up wrong. [7/28/2017 2:52:42 AM] girl: You know, whatever gets less horrible men in my life is a okay with me [7/28/2017 2:52:49 AM] aj: Heh. [7/28/2017 2:53:06 AM] aj: I could stop talking with you.  That'd be one less horrible man in your life.  =P [7/28/2017 2:53:33 AM] girl: Too late for that one, I think [7/28/2017 2:54:49 AM] girl: I'm just tired of it, idk. [7/28/2017 2:55:00 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/28/2017 2:56:10 AM] girl: Getting drunk feels awful and im glad im not drunk [7/28/2017 2:56:26 AM] aj: I'm moving soon. [7/28/2017 2:56:33 AM] girl: Me too [7/28/2017 2:56:34 AM] aj: Probably the week after next.  Maybe sooner. [7/28/2017 2:56:49 AM] girl: Did you find somewhere? [7/28/2017 2:56:56 AM] aj: So, I won't be around so much for conversations like this.  I'll have to start getting ready for the next semester.  Yeah. [7/28/2017 2:57:18 AM] girl: That's kind of sad but I'll survive. [7/28/2017 2:57:29 AM] aj: The person I was going to move out with decided he suddenly didn't want to transfer [7/28/2017 2:57:33 AM] aj: so I'm going all by myself. [7/28/2017 2:57:47 AM] aj: and basically know nobody, where I'm headed. [7/28/2017 2:58:36 AM] aj: I'll be fine, but the thought of it all is making me think a lot about what I've been up to.  I legitimately pulled a friend out of a spiral of depression, and I think he has the tools now to live an okay life.  I feel really good about it. [7/28/2017 2:59:18 AM] aj: I'm cool with my family, and feel bad about leaving. [7/28/2017 2:59:29 AM] aj: but I have a really good opportunity. [7/28/2017 2:59:30 AM] girl: Haha [7/28/2017 2:59:35 AM] girl: That makes one of us [7/28/2017 2:59:41 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 3:00:04 AM] aj: I'm scared, in a sense. [7/28/2017 3:00:25 AM] aj: Because, looking at it all as I'm about to go, I'm pretty happy. [7/28/2017 3:01:11 AM] girl: I hope it's fine. California is so pretty and arizona sucks ass no offense. It's very very pretty and honey vanilla lattes at urth are all i live for and I really want one rn but i cant because im not in california [7/28/2017 3:01:20 AM] aj: But I think that I'm someone who'll never be happy while I'm doing stuff like this.  Like, I'm happy I got to this point.  But I never had that moment where I went "I'm happy" while it was happening. [7/28/2017 3:01:36 AM] aj: and I'm fine with being that sort of person. [7/28/2017 3:01:43 AM] girl: Doing stuff like whT [7/28/2017 3:01:52 AM] aj: Either I'm so caught up in things I don't have time to think about it. [7/28/2017 3:02:11 AM] aj: Academics.  Spending time with friends.  Hobbies.  Lots of reading and contemplating. [7/28/2017 3:02:16 AM] aj: Some work. [7/28/2017 3:02:37 AM] aj: I get caught up in doing things and don't realize I'm happy until radical shifts in my habits or schedule comes in. [7/28/2017 3:02:58 AM] aj: Which makes it hard to change because then I have things that I realize make me happy, versus new things. [7/28/2017 3:03:00 AM] girl: What does make you happy? [7/28/2017 3:03:19 AM] aj: Looking back and knowing that I made the lives of people around me better.. [7/28/2017 3:03:34 AM] aj: My sister and mom are happier people, now. [7/28/2017 3:03:39 AM] aj: and I played a good role in that. [7/28/2017 3:03:43 AM] aj: Same with my friends. [7/28/2017 3:04:26 AM] girl: That's a really big and complicated thing to feel happy about. A good thing to feel happy about but [7/28/2017 3:04:57 AM] aj: When I get busy doing things, I don't really feel where the time goes, so I don't experience it as a happy thing. [7/28/2017 3:05:06 AM] aj: At best, I'll feel spent and feel okay about my efforts. [7/28/2017 3:05:22 AM] aj: but that's not like, happy. [7/28/2017 3:05:45 AM] girl: I think I've turned into a very simple girl in some aspects. Have you tried looking into the eyes of your cat lately? It's sad to me that you can only feel like you're satisfied looking behind you [7/28/2017 3:06:48 AM] girl: But i think when i stopped being so horrifically traumatized i turned back into some kind of woman child [7/28/2017 3:07:00 AM] aj: I didn't, but I picked him up and held him like he liked when he was a kitten.  He's orange and white and got fur all over my black shirt, but  he enjoyed it.  I rubbed his belly. [7/28/2017 3:07:02 AM] aj: It was good. [7/28/2017 3:07:18 AM] girl: I didnt know you really had a cat [7/28/2017 3:07:23 AM] girl: I feel like crying [7/28/2017 3:07:29 AM] girl: Thats such a relief..... [7/28/2017 3:07:29 AM] aj: He's a sweetie. [7/28/2017 3:07:36 AM] aj: Same with our puppy. [7/28/2017 3:07:41 AM] girl: They're so important [7/28/2017 3:07:46 AM] girl: AAAAAHHHHH [7/28/2017 3:07:54 AM] girl: pics pics pics pics pics pics pics [7/28/2017 3:07:55 AM] aj: We got him when he was 8 weeks.  He had parvo.  German Shepherd. [7/28/2017 3:08:10 AM] girl: I'm wheezing [7/28/2017 3:08:18 AM] aj: So, my mother, sister, and I spent a whole week and a half.  One of us up with him, 24/7. [7/28/2017 3:08:26 AM] aj: He nearly died.  We pulled him through it. [7/28/2017 3:08:46 AM] aj: It would have broken my mother's heart, so I took all of the night shifts, and about a solid week off of classes. [7/28/2017 3:08:56 AM] aj: The only reason I could do that is because my professors all loved me. [7/28/2017 3:09:01 AM] girl: Cats and dogs are so importany.... thats so important... that you love that fucking dog... i could just die. Oh my god   [7/28/2017 3:09:02 AM] aj: But yeah. [7/28/2017 3:09:05 AM] girl: Aj... [7/28/2017 3:09:12 AM] girl: Thtats too fucking sweet [7/28/2017 3:09:25 AM] aj: The first night he got here, I slept outside with him.  He came from a litter of 8 and they all slept outside. [7/28/2017 3:09:33 AM] aj: So the first night, I spent out in the back yard with him so he'd be comfy. [7/28/2017 3:10:06 AM] girl: I could just die [7/28/2017 3:10:08 AM] aj: He's a sweetie now.  Really smart.  Really playful. [7/28/2017 3:10:12 AM] aj: You'd never know he was sick. [7/28/2017 3:10:20 AM] girl: I'm being very vocal about it [7/28/2017 3:10:34 AM] girl: It hurts im fucking asthmatic [7/28/2017 3:10:41 AM] girl: What the fuck [7/28/2017 3:10:57 AM] girl: How could you fucking say any of that [7/28/2017 3:11:17 AM] aj: Our old German Shepherd passed last year, and my mom finally settled on another one, because she needs a good animal companion.  New puppy has the same name as the nickname of our old dog.  We took that as a sign. [7/28/2017 3:11:42 AM] aj: So, when he arrived, and when he got sick, I put everything on hold because it would have broke my mom if he died. [7/28/2017 3:11:51 AM] girl: Aj what the fuck you love her and you love that fucking dog [7/28/2017 3:12:01 AM] girl: Thats too fucking sweet [7/28/2017 3:12:04 AM] aj: Especially since our close friend suicide. [7/28/2017 3:12:16 AM] girl: Youre so fucking nice to her [7/28/2017 3:12:36 AM] girl: I cant even think about it [7/28/2017 3:13:16 AM] girl: I'm so overwhelmed lol im sorry i cant believe yoursweet dog is so healthy and so sweet and probably has perfect paws [7/28/2017 3:13:43 AM] aj: I don't have any pictures on my computer.  I can text you a few if you want. [7/28/2017 3:13:56 AM] aj: I realize you having my number is probably the last thing that should happen. [7/28/2017 3:14:02 AM] aj: But eh. [7/28/2017 3:14:08 AM] girl: 4257706054 [7/28/2017 3:14:22 AM] girl: im. Desperate [7/28/2017 3:16:18 AM] girl: I cant stop like dry sobbing thinking about dogs fuck [7/28/2017 3:16:48 AM] girl: Sushi and wasabi are at aris moms house and they are fucking fat as sin [7/28/2017 3:17:12 AM] girl: Bc were moving and. I dont aant them to escape or go through more stress than usual [7/28/2017 3:17:39 AM] girl: But opwning a can of tuna and not having some FAT FUCK screaming at you desperately for it is heartbreaking [7/28/2017 3:17:52 AM] aj: That's puppy him.  When he was fiiiiiiiiiiirst first here. [7/28/2017 3:18:42 AM] girl: LOL WHAT THE FUCK [7/28/2017 3:19:13 AM] girl: YOUR CATTTT [7/28/2017 3:19:23 AM] aj: They're friends. [7/28/2017 3:20:01 AM] aj: and there's a video of him, much more recently. [7/28/2017 3:20:11 AM] aj: He used to be afraid of the hose, but he now does stuff like that. [7/28/2017 3:20:18 AM] aj: The hose is big fun, now. [7/28/2017 3:21:04 AM] girl: What The Fuck [7/28/2017 3:21:31 AM] girl: Im so fucking overwhelmed what is his name... and the cats... theyre so fucking beautiful [7/28/2017 3:21:47 AM] aj: The dog's name is Moose. [7/28/2017 3:21:55 AM] aj: Our old dog's nickname was Moose. [7/28/2017 3:22:17 AM] aj: The cat's name is Fritz. [7/28/2017 3:22:34 AM] girl: I' need like a fucking xanax it just isnt right theyre both so fucking sweet its just not fucking right [7/28/2017 3:22:59 AM] aj: When Moose gets playful, he still sort of nips like a puppy [7/28/2017 3:23:08 AM] aj: So he's sometimes Battle Moose.  Or Bitey Moose. [7/28/2017 3:23:28 AM] aj: Or Moose Gatorious.  Like Alligator, only sort of if it were Roman. [7/28/2017 3:23:42 AM] girl: I cant handle this [7/28/2017 3:23:50 AM] girl: Hes so fucking sweet [7/28/2017 3:24:13 AM] aj: Yeah.  We all fell in love with him the moment we saw him. [7/28/2017 3:24:23 AM] girl: Bitch me the fuck too!!! [7/28/2017 3:24:31 AM] aj: =P [7/28/2017 3:24:35 AM] aj: and soon I have to leave him [7/28/2017 3:24:43 AM] aj: But I know he'll be a good dog for my mom and sister. [7/28/2017 3:24:51 AM] aj: He's big and he's learning obedience stuff. [7/28/2017 3:24:59 AM] aj: and so the two of them will feel safer with him around. [7/28/2017 3:25:08 AM] girl: he would never forget you or stop loving you [7/28/2017 3:25:28 AM] girl: Your cat is so fuckingb beautiful [7/28/2017 3:25:29 AM] aj: I know.  He's my baby boy.  He'll be happy when I come home to visit. [7/28/2017 3:25:58 AM] aj: Fritz is way cool.  He's super aloof outside, which is good.  If he was cuddly to strangers, it would be bad.  But when he's indoors, he's a big love. [7/28/2017 3:26:54 AM] girl: I carry treats around in my pocket for cats outside lol [7/28/2017 3:27:03 AM] girl: i would charm the pants off your cat [7/28/2017 3:27:26 AM] aj: The only time he was cool with me is when I spent literally 5 minutes slowly approaching him [7/28/2017 3:27:30 AM] aj: and he was on a brick wall [7/28/2017 3:27:40 AM] aj: giving me his aloof "I am in a higher spot than you, human" look [7/28/2017 3:27:48 AM] girl: LOL [7/28/2017 3:27:56 AM] aj: but he fell prey to headscritches. [7/28/2017 3:28:03 AM] aj: and got all purry [7/28/2017 3:28:04 AM] girl: As they tend to do [7/28/2017 3:28:07 AM] aj: before leaving in a huff. [7/28/2017 3:28:21 AM] aj: Of course, the wall was like, nearly 7 feet high. [7/28/2017 3:28:31 AM] aj: So my cat would have been safe from you, unless you had a ladder. [7/28/2017 3:28:38 AM] girl: i used to get in trouble a lot or at least get weird looks bc i sit in peoples driveways and pet their cats [7/28/2017 3:28:41 AM] girl: Shut the fuck up [7/28/2017 3:30:16 AM] girl: I think the college kids find it more endearing than my old neighbors did lol but i keep track of where ive seen cats and sit on the ground and wait for them.... [7/28/2017 3:30:24 AM] girl: I love your dog and cat so much [7/28/2017 3:30:35 AM] aj: They're sweeties. [7/28/2017 3:30:50 AM] girl: I would die for them [7/28/2017 3:31:15 AM] aj: Dog gets spoiled so much.  After he started being able to take food again, my mom would make him chicken and rice. [7/28/2017 3:31:27 AM] aj: So, he still gets some boiled chicken and white rice, even months later. [7/28/2017 3:31:30 AM] girl: Hello [7/28/2017 3:31:34 AM] girl: He should be [7/28/2017 3:31:40 AM] aj: Every time he hits a healthy weight, he then has a growth spurt. [7/28/2017 3:31:47 AM] aj: So he's not even 6 months old, and will be like [7/28/2017 3:31:49 AM] aj: 70 pounds. [7/28/2017 3:31:52 AM] girl: Good [7/28/2017 3:31:55 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 3:32:07 AM] aj: We just joke that he'll keep it up at this rate and be a truly giant dog. [7/28/2017 3:32:48 AM] girl: I had a big elderly dog named max (terrible dog name, not my choice not my decision) who put his big fat head in my lap and had floppy little ears and was so big people crossed the street to avoid me and him [7/28/2017 3:33:08 AM] aj: d'awww [7/28/2017 3:33:59 AM] girl: Theyre very shockingly fat [7/28/2017 3:34:28 AM] aj: They are precious fur-babies. [7/28/2017 3:34:41 AM] girl: I don't know why. They have alwats been this way, and wasabi likes to be picked up and put on his back like a human infant [7/28/2017 3:34:47 AM] girl: Theyre fat [7/28/2017 3:35:04 AM] girl: Speaking of max, other max, kittys girlfriend, sent this, to me, in the mail? [7/28/2017 3:35:19 AM] aj: I am getting your cats if all of your next of kin perish in some freak tandem bicycle accident. [7/28/2017 3:36:15 AM] girl: Only if you promise to first love them and die for them if they ask like i would, and only if you promise to call them bastards in a shocked and offended voice at least once a dat [7/28/2017 3:36:17 AM] girl: Day [7/28/2017 3:36:18 AM] aj: Hahahahaha [7/28/2017 3:36:47 AM] girl: Max and kitty made this enormous pdf about how to take care of and nurture their precious baby bunny god forbid they are ever unable to care for her [7/28/2017 3:37:49 AM] girl: Its soooo good [7/28/2017 3:38:04 AM] aj: d'awww [7/28/2017 3:38:08 AM] girl: Bunny is a cat BTW not a bunny i would fucking die for her shes so fucking fat ughhhh [7/28/2017 3:38:36 AM] girl: Lol can you tell im unmedicated for One Or More Things. I can [7/28/2017 3:38:55 AM] girl: Shut up girl LOL jk id never fucking shut up abojt cats [7/28/2017 3:39:25 AM] girl: Aj its sooo fucked up its so beautiful i read it to aris mom and she died for it [7/28/2017 3:39:33 AM] girl: I think we would all die for bunny [7/28/2017 3:39:49 AM] girl: bunnifer evangeline [7/28/2017 3:40:24 AM] girl: And her slightly uglier and less loving but still good and worthy of human sacrifice brother, roswell, [7/28/2017 3:40:50 AM] aj: Roswell is the hero we need, but don't deserve. [7/28/2017 3:40:58 AM] aj: I need not know anything about this creature. [7/28/2017 3:41:18 AM] aj: He was purposed on high to serve a role that no mortal may know or understand. [7/28/2017 3:41:28 AM] aj: But we're all better for his presence in this world. [7/28/2017 3:41:34 AM] aj: (I like the name.) [7/28/2017 3:41:56 AM] girl: They also have two retarded cats from this hoarder house wthat i think just has a population of purebreds who fucked each other until all the babies were stupid that both just wandered into their house [7/28/2017 3:42:08 AM] girl: And they are fucking beautiful and stupid as shit [7/28/2017 3:42:53 AM] aj: lmao [7/28/2017 3:43:02 AM] girl: Dandy is like my cats long lost beautiful and stupud brother and I very obviously covet him and am jealous that he isnt mine [7/28/2017 3:43:32 AM] girl: And pebble is beautiful and has partial albinism and is sooo fucking stupid and cries very softly in protest when you pick him up [7/28/2017 3:43:52 AM] girl: Im lile hyperventilating thinking about the last time i held him in my arms [7/28/2017 3:45:27 AM] girl: HES SO FUCKING STUPID it drives me CRAZY i love him so fucking much im sorry honestly rhis is me unfiltered and my wntire personality is that i fucking love cats and dogs and most other mammals and i cant fucking help it and it makes me die and i cant believe how fucking stupud pebble is and i feel like i could just die for any cat or dog [7/28/2017 3:45:54 AM] aj: It's fine.  I just need to shower and sleep, shortly. [7/28/2017 3:45:58 AM] girl: I left the room because ari was becoming worried and said honey theres just dogs in thw world [7/28/2017 3:46:09 AM] girl: Who showers at 4 am [7/28/2017 3:46:46 AM] aj: Someone who finished swimming before talking with you. [7/28/2017 3:47:01 AM] girl: Who swims at 2 am... [7/28/2017 3:47:07 AM] aj: Arizonans. [7/28/2017 3:47:11 AM] girl: sicko [7/28/2017 3:47:14 AM] aj: The pool is like [7/28/2017 3:47:16 AM] aj: 90 degrees. [7/28/2017 3:47:19 AM] aj: Perfect. [7/28/2017 3:47:19 AM] girl: I hate arizona [7/28/2017 3:48:25 AM] girl: Next time ur in a pool blast lana del reys new album and think of me dramatically and think of us (me and lana) looking deeply into each others eyes itll probably make your experience better [7/28/2017 3:48:55 AM] girl: Ari said he didnt like her hair and I honestly told him to fuck off and stop talking [7/28/2017 3:49:02 AM] aj: Aside from talking to you, I'm reading the RAND Corporation 2016 study on transgender people and military integration.  All the news articles mention it, but only one fucking linked to it and I am happy they did.  Reading the actual study is interesting because the researchers hedge a shit ton because sample sizes are so small. [7/28/2017 3:49:08 AM] aj: But it's interesting how thorough it is. [7/28/2017 3:49:27 AM] girl: I do not think about transgender issues ANY more [7/28/2017 3:50:03 AM] girl: but im glad you found something interesting to read [7/28/2017 3:50:18 AM] aj: I think probably the military would be just best as a guy only thing.  It is a shit job anyways.  But I know how terrible that sounds.  Anyways.  We don't live in a world where my opinion matters much. [7/28/2017 3:50:58 AM] aj: So I at least try and read the research people on each side offer for this. [7/28/2017 3:51:16 AM] girl: I think it is not healthy for your brain to be in the military and i would be overjoyed to never ever be drafted ever [7/28/2017 3:51:33 AM] girl: Amen [7/28/2017 3:51:34 AM] aj: I'd agree with that. [7/28/2017 3:52:07 AM] girl: I have never met any military men who ive been like wow that seems like someone who is safe and fun to be around and doesnt get mad when he drinks [7/28/2017 3:52:22 AM] aj: I don't get mad when I drink. [7/28/2017 3:52:29 AM] aj: But I'm houseplant levels of exciting. [7/28/2017 3:52:37 AM] aj: So, probably not fun to be around. [7/28/2017 3:52:45 AM] aj: and safe?  Nah. [7/28/2017 3:53:02 AM] aj: (Protip: I don't drink.) [7/28/2017 3:53:25 AM] aj: I sometimes brake before I put on the turn signal, so.  1005 unsafe. [7/28/2017 3:53:29 AM] aj: 100%* [7/28/2017 3:53:30 AM] girl: You dont seem like youd kill anybody but you do seem like youd have an uncomfortable emotional outburst [7/28/2017 3:53:40 AM] girl: In a kitchen [7/28/2017 3:53:44 AM] aj: Last time I drank, it was like, two beers? [7/28/2017 3:53:47 AM] aj: and it was fine. [7/28/2017 3:53:56 AM] aj: I just hate the feeling of being drunk. [7/28/2017 3:53:58 AM] aj: So. [7/28/2017 3:54:03 AM] girl: I cant drink much because im freakishly lightweight [7/28/2017 3:54:17 AM] girl: I... get drunk if i drink a bottle of kombucha.... [7/28/2017 3:54:31 AM] aj: Also, emotional outbursts are hella embarrassing.  I'd leave if I felt like I was getting there. [7/28/2017 3:54:49 AM] aj: Because my other option is to die from shame later. [7/28/2017 3:54:50 AM] girl: Yeah but i feel like you could, [7/28/2017 3:54:53 AM] aj: and I don't want to die. [7/28/2017 3:55:45 AM] aj: I'm emotionally open with you in ways I'm not with other people.  But also, I'm emotional towards you in ways I'm not with other people.  Everyone else in my life isn't fitted with our sordid history. [7/28/2017 3:56:29 AM] aj: I just don't like feeling drunk because the fogginess of mind bothers me. [7/28/2017 3:56:36 AM] girl: I like wheed better than alcohol but only if its like body high stuff. I used to just get rly rly rly high and i dony like it and i have sensitive little lungs. But I Do Love Adderall lol xo [7/28/2017 3:56:51 AM] aj: Hahahahah [7/28/2017 3:56:54 AM] girl: Me too but i feel that way most. Times whoch is why i love adderall loool [7/28/2017 3:57:01 AM] aj: Makes sense. [7/28/2017 3:57:24 AM] aj: So yeah.  But, I had to do a lot of self-care.  Maybe a while back I'd have been prone to a lot more bullshit. [7/28/2017 3:57:26 AM] aj: Anyways. [7/28/2017 3:57:38 AM] girl: I'm more responsible than i sound i promise lol I'm having a very understimulating week [7/28/2017 3:57:53 AM] aj: I understand. [7/28/2017 3:58:00 AM] girl: Thats sad makes me want to pet your face [7/28/2017 3:58:16 AM] aj: I'm just glad we're talking like normal human beings, mostly. [7/28/2017 3:58:28 AM] aj: and I appreciate it. [7/28/2017 3:58:32 AM] girl: Ugh sorry i sound so Fucking stupid rn because i have retard brain [7/28/2017 3:58:35 AM] girl: Me too [7/28/2017 3:58:40 AM] girl: But im SICK for it [7/28/2017 3:58:49 AM] aj: Meaning? [7/28/2017 3:58:52 AM] girl: And i think ill rly miss you when youre not around [7/28/2017 3:59:05 AM] aj: Aaah [7/28/2017 3:59:10 AM] girl: What are you asking [7/28/2017 3:59:21 AM] girl: About my retard brain or me being sick for it [7/28/2017 3:59:27 AM] aj: No, I understand now.  Sick for it. [7/28/2017 3:59:32 AM] girl: Oh, yeah [7/28/2017 4:00:26 AM] girl: This is extremelt stimulating even if its scab picking and youre fun and i don't feel like i could ever stop feeling something strange and overwhelming for you and your dog and your cat [7/28/2017 4:00:31 AM] girl: God fuck [7/28/2017 4:00:35 AM] girl: I love them [7/28/2017 4:01:53 AM] girl: I feel like a huge loser for it but honestly im a huge fucking loser in general and i manage to get by and sometimes its better to be like guess ill want to kiss someone forever instead of like seething over it in bed for 4 hours while listening to the mountain goats [7/28/2017 4:01:57 AM] girl: Probably? [7/28/2017 4:02:17 AM] girl: Sick for it [7/28/2017 4:02:25 AM] aj: I guess?  It's a pretty complicated and personal thing. [7/28/2017 4:02:43 AM] girl: I'm fine with it, is what I'm saying [7/28/2017 4:03:04 AM] aj: Makes sense. [7/28/2017 4:03:32 AM] girl: I love hte fucking mountain goats [7/28/2017 4:05:57 AM] girl: And honestly idk like what does it matter. I don't know? It feels nicer to talk to you than to um idk I honestly cycle through boring men and get them to like me and then i am like ok thats um fine i guess [7/28/2017 4:06:10 AM] girl: And i do it less when im preoccupied [7/28/2017 4:06:36 AM] girl: I'm like really embarrassing myself LOL damn girl chill out [7/28/2017 4:06:53 AM] aj: You already told me you do that stuff. [7/28/2017 4:06:59 AM] aj: So it's not like I didn't already know. [7/28/2017 4:07:12 AM] girl: Eben more embarrassing to say it twice then [7/28/2017 4:09:02 AM] aj: I don't mind speaking my mind around you, more than a lot of people.  If I do it too much, I get people who hang on to every word and it's just... [7/28/2017 4:09:36 AM] aj: When you and I talked, and you said I probably shouldn't be in relationships, I agreed because I'll just be minding my own business and yeah. [7/28/2017 4:11:45 AM] girl: Yeah [7/28/2017 4:11:48 AM] girl: Um [7/28/2017 4:12:38 AM] girl: I don't do that anymore because I find myself less in need of guidance I guess and also not to be offensive or inflammatory but i take the thinhs men say to me much less seriously now [7/28/2017 4:12:45 AM] girl: Its uhhhh healthy [7/28/2017 4:12:52 AM] aj: Whatever works for you. [7/28/2017 4:13:22 AM] aj: You taking me seriously or not is your business, more than mine. [7/28/2017 4:13:36 AM] girl: I don't mean it like that [7/28/2017 4:13:54 AM] aj: It impacts you less? [7/28/2017 4:14:00 AM] girl: Ugh sorry im not thinking too good before i hit the send button lol [7/28/2017 4:14:09 AM] girl: I [7/28/2017 4:14:12 AM] aj: It's fine. [7/28/2017 4:15:45 AM] girl: I think I have a little more faith in myself because of some women, and also I think I know a little bit more about what I want [7/28/2017 4:16:54 AM] girl: Im still not a very independent girl [7/28/2017 4:17:08 AM] girl: And idk if im very happy being on my own anyway but [7/28/2017 4:17:21 AM] girl: Uck [7/28/2017 4:17:25 AM] aj: You're a caring and empathic person. [7/28/2017 4:17:41 AM] aj: It sounds like it's more difficult to hit that right balance of independence and interaction with others. [7/28/2017 4:17:54 AM] girl: I'm The Princess [7/28/2017 4:18:19 AM] aj: I'm happy you have women in your life who can help you place faith in yourself.  That you have a better idea on what you want. [7/28/2017 4:18:51 AM] girl: And i have a personality that makes people want to dote on me, i think, so it's not so bad. I sincerely don't think id ever have to be by myself if i didnt want to be [7/28/2017 4:19:04 AM] girl: Works out for now [7/28/2017 4:19:09 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 4:20:07 AM] girl: I dont feel like i said what i wanted to, but i hope it ar least gave you some idea of what I wanted to say... I'm really uhhh likw bad at being very articulate when im not eating amphetamines [7/28/2017 4:20:26 AM] aj: I think I have an idea of what you meant to convey. [7/28/2017 4:20:54 AM] girl: I'm really happy that you arent miserable [7/28/2017 4:21:08 AM] girl: Even if it shouldnt matter to me [7/28/2017 4:22:18 AM] girl: I hope your dog and cat and eatinf really good food makes you happy sometimes. I only know about that kind of stuff because it makes me really happy to see a dog or cat or eat good food,... [7/28/2017 4:22:45 AM] aj: I smile when I see my mom play with the dog. [7/28/2017 4:23:28 AM] aj: He was so sick.  He smelled like miserable puppy, and this sickly sweet smell that I now recognize as parvo.  And dried vanilla Ensure, because the vets said to feed him that to keep his insides coated with something, and for nutrients. [7/28/2017 4:23:47 AM] aj: and he just didn't want to be bothered, and he got so thin. [7/28/2017 4:23:58 AM] aj: but he's okay and happy and my mom is happy with him. [7/28/2017 4:24:25 AM] aj: and my mom deserves to be happy because my dad was a shit and her best friend killed herself and our old dog had to be put down. [7/28/2017 4:24:51 AM] aj: and because she's a genuinely kind person and I always feel like a shit because no matter how smart or insightful I'll get, I'll never be kind like that. [7/28/2017 4:25:05 AM] aj: and I get older and realize that it's being kind that actually matters. [7/28/2017 4:25:15 AM] aj: but it's nowhere really in me, so I have to try really hard. [7/28/2017 4:25:43 AM] girl: Makes me want to brush your hair and send your mom flowers. I'm always really impressed by how nice and good some moms can be [7/28/2017 4:26:08 AM] girl: My mom was a psycho but i love her lol not her fault [7/28/2017 4:27:28 AM] girl: I'm glad you treat your mom good. The worst kind of man imho like the most intolerable kind of boy is one who treats his nice mom like garbage [7/28/2017 4:28:04 AM] girl: The world would be better off if people like that disappeared and were never thought of again imho. [7/28/2017 4:28:28 AM] aj: I'm taking a lot of risks, educationally speaking, so that I'll have some good options in time to take care of her.  That's most of what has me nervous.  I know I can manage something that'll keep me okay, but yeah. [7/28/2017 4:28:44 AM] girl: Thats kind of you [7/28/2017 4:28:55 AM] aj: My sister is a good person, and she'll hold things down for a while. [7/28/2017 4:29:02 AM] aj: between that and our savings. [7/28/2017 4:29:02 AM] girl: I wanted to do that i think but i was um much more dramatic about it lol [7/28/2017 4:29:20 AM] aj: but my sister doesn't have the income potential I do, frankly speaking. [7/28/2017 4:30:00 AM] girl: I was just gonna fuck old bitches for money and die i think but now theres no one to die for except jake who would honestly be much sadder if his sister died even if he had many dollars for it [7/28/2017 4:30:42 AM] girl: lol txt it me too binch I cant wait to be a horrible employee that my boss hates and wants dead LOL i have no work ethic [7/28/2017 4:31:09 AM] girl: Im glad your mom has someone to hang with [7/28/2017 4:31:18 AM] girl: Lonely old people makes me die inside [7/28/2017 4:31:24 AM] aj: Sister and the dog. [7/28/2017 4:31:26 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 4:31:35 AM] aj: and the cat. [7/28/2017 4:31:48 AM] girl: Ssucy a beautiful photogenic cat [7/28/2017 4:32:53 AM] aj: For me.  I'd like to love someone again, but I don't really feel like it's in me right now.  Mostly, I would be happy with someone who'd hug me and be happy to see me.  Maybe on days when I'm really tired, let me rest my head on them.  I feel like I don't really deserve any of it, though. [7/28/2017 4:33:12 AM] aj: and I have a lot of work to do, and that would distract me.  It'd be nice, but I have to do good right now. [7/28/2017 4:35:56 AM] girl: I'd be jealous i think, not that it matters much. More practically friend love is really just as important and i love to be on the phone with kitty and tell her about my day and its not exactly the same as hugging someone in bed but honestly you can ask your friends for hugs idk. I'm a very affectionate girl and its intimate and fulfilling and important in my heart to park the car and talk in the driveway too [7/28/2017 4:36:22 AM] aj: I hug my friends and tell myself that's good enough.  So yeah. [7/28/2017 4:36:33 AM] aj: Most times it's like 80% good enough, too. [7/28/2017 4:36:34 AM] aj: So. [7/28/2017 4:37:03 AM] girl: New places can be lonely but i like to talk to the old people at the library. Im the info desk girl sometimes so i talk to them a lot and i hugged ronna the security guard becayse i felt like it and i think its fine. [7/28/2017 4:38:12 AM] girl: I think like even if i could get over being jealous I would tell anyone else in your position the same thing [7/28/2017 4:39:22 AM] girl: i dont mean to be dramatic or annoying [7/28/2017 4:39:46 AM] aj: It's fine. [7/28/2017 4:41:27 AM] girl: but it hurt and hurts, like, it hurt. i like the idea of you being happy i think but it's like shocking to me how much it hurts, and even when you are/were someone i could love so easy, you're also the person that, did that, to me. And it's shaped a lot of the things in my life very strangely. [7/28/2017 4:42:48 AM] girl: You can do whatever you want, but id be very offended i think. It embarrasses me to be so sensitive about it when im not feeling like a crazy girl [7/28/2017 4:43:29 AM] aj: Let me put it this way. [7/28/2017 4:44:07 AM] aj: The more knowledge I acquired, the more I understood that shaping and influence process.  Abstractly.  I know a lot more than when I met you.  Lots.  Lots.  Lots more. [7/28/2017 4:44:16 AM] aj: The more I understood it, the more I started to close myself off. [7/28/2017 4:44:31 AM] aj: Not really in bad ways, but I'm just really cautious. [7/28/2017 4:45:02 AM] aj: If I hadn't hurt you like that, I might be more open to people?  I might've been in a relationship by now. [7/28/2017 4:45:12 AM] aj: and I'm not saying this in a resentful way. [7/28/2017 4:46:23 AM] aj: It's really easy to reach out.  I can see the cracks most people have in their armor, and who wears their heart on their sleeve.  I just... don't really want to strongly influence anyone.  I don't want that on me. [7/28/2017 4:46:41 AM] aj: I know I can do as I want. [7/28/2017 4:47:06 AM] aj: I just have felt like the most mature thing I can do right now is what I do. [7/28/2017 4:47:49 AM] girl: I appreciate it even though i know its not for me [7/28/2017 4:48:17 AM] girl: I think I'm really scared of feeling stupid or betrayed if something did happen [7/28/2017 4:48:20 AM] aj: I think about you.  Not every time.  But I remember you.  I remember when you say things about how it hurt. [7/28/2017 4:50:56 AM] girl: I'd hate myself because I know better than to scab pick and when my friends get hurt badly I want the person who hurt them honestly to die. I know I'm being selfish when I talk to you but I'm also being a little foolish and I'd be so damn mad and just hate myself if I was as wrong as other people think I probably am to like you and care about you as much as i do [7/28/2017 4:52:46 AM] girl: right now I think i believe in you and your good intentions and if you proved me wrong I would know it was my own damn fault [7/28/2017 4:53:19 AM] aj: Time will tell. [7/28/2017 4:53:47 AM] aj: I've felt good about talking with you normally.  I still worry that it's not really good in the long term. [7/28/2017 4:54:13 AM] aj: But something feels different in talking with you, this time. [7/28/2017 4:54:20 AM] aj: and it's not a bad different. [7/28/2017 4:54:31 AM] girl: What do you mean? [7/28/2017 4:54:52 AM] aj: Every other time I've reopened dialogue and talked with you, I felt uneasy. [7/28/2017 4:55:02 AM] aj: I don't feel uneasy with talking with you. [7/28/2017 4:55:14 AM] aj: I felt like things before were always volatile. [7/28/2017 4:55:25 AM] aj: Like something would explode. [7/28/2017 4:55:33 AM] aj: It's hard to put it into words. [7/28/2017 4:55:51 AM] girl: I'm sorry I can be. That way [7/28/2017 4:56:22 AM] girl: I do not particularly feel prideful about how really mean i can be when i want to be [7/28/2017 4:56:26 AM] aj: It could have just been me not dealing with guilt maturely, too. [7/28/2017 4:56:33 AM] aj: I'm not blaming you. [7/28/2017 4:56:38 AM] girl: I know [7/28/2017 4:56:43 AM] girl: But [7/28/2017 4:56:45 AM] girl: Idk [7/28/2017 4:57:25 AM] girl: Theres only like two people ever who have like seen how fucking scathing i can be and it kind of shocks me that i can be like that and [7/28/2017 4:57:46 AM] girl: Its not nice to scapegoat even if someone did do something fucked up [7/28/2017 4:59:38 AM] girl: Idk if I'm sorry about confronting you but I'm sorry i took weird meds and told you really mean shit and was desperate and crazy and not handling it well as i am apt to fuckening do [7/28/2017 5:01:05 AM] girl: And like idk you probably deservwd it a lot less than the guy who wanted to piss on my face and  asked me to call him if i went through with killing myself [7/28/2017 5:01:19 AM] aj: Heh. [7/28/2017 5:01:31 AM] aj: I tried to be vulnerable for you when you were that way. [7/28/2017 5:01:36 AM] aj: Not that I liked it, not one bit. [7/28/2017 5:01:55 AM] aj: But while I was reading, I realized that I wasn't really vulnerable to anyone. [7/28/2017 5:02:17 AM] aj: I can brush off a lot, if I want.  I don't really know if it matters or not in the end. [7/28/2017 5:02:37 AM] aj: But whenever you told me something or lashed out, I tried to absorb it and not just hole up and let it pass over me. [7/28/2017 5:03:18 AM] aj: I feel like you deserve that from me, so I try and give it to you. [7/28/2017 5:03:33 AM] aj: It makes me worry that doing so crosses all sorts of bad boundaries. [7/28/2017 5:03:38 AM] aj: But I already talk to you anyways. [7/28/2017 5:03:46 AM] aj: So you at least deserve that. [7/28/2017 5:04:16 AM] girl: I'm a bit of a fucking boundary crosser my own damn self [7/28/2017 5:05:17 AM] girl: I am not good at not indulging myself in what i want and feel often very entitled to what I want and I appreciate that you do it for me some [7/28/2017 5:06:11 AM] girl: there are some people who honestly do not and some of them have done things with a lot more malice [7/28/2017 5:06:43 AM] girl: Those people honestly deserve to die because i have truly been through enough but thats beside the point [7/28/2017 5:07:19 AM] girl: It made me sad that you said I'm like a scary frightened dog and that you only ever saw me angry or sad [7/28/2017 5:08:06 AM] girl: and mostly im just fine and very annoyed with people who inconvenience me in ways i find intolerable and am a crybaby but. Mostly just fine [7/28/2017 5:08:32 AM] girl: And i wanted to . Show you that im just fine and not so horrifically sick [7/28/2017 5:08:42 AM] aj: My dad was... really malicious.  When he wasn't malicious, he was uncaring.  I learned to not flinch around him.  To not be vulnerable.  I learned nobody could touch me, because I was good at it.  Nobody could read me or hurt me because even if they touched something I cared about, I wouldn't flinch and they'd move on.  The thing I read about being vulnerable took me a long time to contemplate and try. [7/28/2017 5:09:08 AM] aj: For most people it worked fine.  For you, it hurt a lot, and I always felt confused on how to tell you.  I also feel like I deserve it. [7/28/2017 5:09:32 AM] aj: but it's been important to me to be vulnerable to you, and to try and endure when things go bad. [7/28/2017 5:09:38 AM] aj: I'm not perfect at it. [7/28/2017 5:11:51 AM] girl: I think thats a good apology. I wouldn't have ever really expected it, and. I'm glad you're trying to be um. Emotionally healthy. Vulnerability is important even when it feels stupid. And i think people who learn how to feel that way are less likely to hurt anybody [7/28/2017 5:12:38 AM] girl: I really hate bad dads [7/28/2017 5:13:10 AM] girl: I love my own bad dad even though maybe i wouldnt if he wasn't my own bad dad but i fucking hate bad dads [7/28/2017 5:14:55 AM] girl: No one should be bad to anybody lile that [7/28/2017 5:15:36 AM] girl: It's sickness and it's unforgivable sin. I'm a libra so i know who deserves to die for sinning and most bad dads do [7/28/2017 5:15:41 AM] aj: I love my dad.  I'm still learning to find the good parts and lessons.  That's all I can do. [7/28/2017 5:17:05 AM] girl: I think it's important to do too, it makes me less sad at least, to love my bad dad [7/28/2017 5:17:46 AM] girl: But there are some truly unforgivable things in there i think [7/28/2017 5:19:06 AM] girl: lol oops that ones too tender time to lock it up and think about breakfast instead [7/28/2017 5:19:47 AM] aj: Heh.  I should get to that shower anyhow.  It's now 5:20. [7/28/2017 5:20:21 AM] girl: Brush your hair.. before you do... [7/28/2017 5:20:35 AM] aj: Hah.  Alright. [7/28/2017 5:20:38 AM] girl: it keeps your drain from clogging... life hack [7/28/2017 5:20:47 AM] aj: True. [7/28/2017 5:21:07 AM] aj: Alright.  Sleep well when you do.  Sorry your family is still being crazy and unreasonable. [7/28/2017 5:21:16 AM] girl: i keep my hair in a bun for two days and pull out uncomfortable amounts in the shower [7/28/2017 5:21:27 AM] girl: I will do my best [7/28/2017 5:21:41 AM] girl: Goodnight [7/28/2017 5:21:51 AM] aj: Night! [7/28/2017 5:22:13 AM] girl: Hahahaha [7/28/2017 5:22:22 AM] girl: Dont be fucking cute [7/28/2017 5:22:25 AM] girl: Bye [7/28/2017 5:44:13 PM] girl: Vhehehehe [7/28/2017 5:44:27 PM] girl: Somebody got me Dr*gs [7/28/2017 5:44:37 PM] girl: (Censored so the government cant see) [7/28/2017 5:54:50 PM] girl: I can haz cheeseburger dot com after dark [7/28/2017 8:23:53 PM] girl: I'm pretty sure i can tell you the plot of the emoji movie [7/29/2017 1:00:34 AM] girl: I'm not going to i dont think because its obvious and i already rrad it and i was like 70% right but thats aside from the point... i really really wish dearly in my heart that i had strawberry ice cream rn and that everyone and everything wasnt so damn boring [7/29/2017 1:01:57 AM] girl: i want to leave the damnt internet but i dont Do much else or have a presence anywhere else and i want to go on more walks but i keep forgetting everything i want to do, and then sitting for a few minutes, and then remembering something else i want to do, and then starting that and then forgetting it again [7/29/2017 2:12:12 AM] girl: And its HOT and i hate how hot it is and im going to be so damn sweaty by the time i Put Adderall in my body but id rather be sweaty than so bored i could DIE [7/29/2017 2:12:21 AM] girl: God [7/29/2017 2:12:31 AM] girl: I am truly a woman with no life skills [7/29/2017 7:50:02 PM] girl: Whats it take for a girl to get strawberry ice cream around here hello...( ?´_ゝ｀) [7/29/2017 7:51:11 PM] girl: I hate being so bored and im tempted to nyquil my sunday away so i can just skip it and Be Medicated [7/30/2017 3:29:07 AM] girl: I think im really scared to die still which is annoying. [7/30/2017 3:29:34 AM] girl: I hope theres benzos in purgatory so that i can stop freaking out about it when i am dead [7/30/2017 3:30:16 AM] girl: I don't need anything else, just a floating bit of consciousness somewhere out there, with a little bar, ill be fine [7/30/2017 3:32:29 AM] girl: No crustaceans either [7/30/2017 5:46:26 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:38:24 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/30/2017 5:47:08 AM] girl: And you've been sweet [7/30/2017 5:47:27 AM] girl: Sort of, idk how much im allowed to say it, that youve been sweet i mean [7/30/2017 5:48:24 AM] girl: But you have been. It's comforting and im very gluttonous for the things i like, such as being coddled, and eating berries, and doing exactly what I want when i want it, sometimes, and cuddling [7/30/2017 5:50:52 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:38:41 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/31/2017 12:05:47 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:37:13 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/1/2017 11:12:45 AM] girl: I really like when people name their pets regular human names like kevin or emily [8/1/2017 11:26:38 AM] girl: Like honestly telling your friends that kevin puked and ate it and they dont know its your cat? I love it [8/3/2017 1:09:56 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:38:51 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:11:07 AM] girl: cool thing about adderall: can use my dumbass fucking brain [8/5/2017 4:11:39 AM] girl: not cool thing about adderall: sleeping at 3am and waking up at 6:30 am and going out on the couch 2 do some laundry and knocking out and injuring you're neck bc you're a fucking idiot [8/5/2017 4:16:03 AM] girl: not really injuring but you get me [8/5/2017 4:16:06 AM] girl: sorry for messaging you so much [8/5/2017 4:16:16 AM] girl: i'm sure you'll probably say its okay, or not say anything at all [8/5/2017 4:17:38 AM] girl: i don't really know where the hell im going rn and it's making me feel so god damn strange but it's okay.just weird and anxious and sore and i dont want to take out my contacts cause im so tired but i need to [8/5/2017 4:18:11 AM] girl: i keep remembering [8/5/2017 4:18:12 AM] girl: one time [8/5/2017 4:18:20 AM] girl: i asked you what kind of music you listened to [8/5/2017 4:18:46 AM] girl: and you just linked me this like no offense but very bizarre and off putting ambient movie sound track stuff and i was like oh... [8/5/2017 4:20:38 AM] girl: such a hot fucking mess rn but its chill i think [8/5/2017 4:21:45 AM] girl: at the end of the day i always still feel like such a stupid little girl [8/5/2017 4:29:40 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:22 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:31:34 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:28 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:31:55 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:33 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:32:48 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:40 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:37:30 AM] girl: m also really loving this wildfire smog [8/5/2017 4:37:58 AM] girl: and inhaling 900x the recommended daily dose of albuterol im sure LOL [8/5/2017 4:38:57 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:50 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:39:13 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:56 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:51:44 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:40:08 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 5:33:57 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:40:02 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 5:47:15 AM] girl: i just. i dont know. im on my fucking period probably so im feeling like an asshole but i really hate [8/5/2017 5:47:17 AM] girl: i dotn know [8/5/2017 5:48:17 AM] girl: so much about the way i am for you/at you/around you and that you said i made you feel that way, like, scared, at all, i dontk now [8/5/2017 5:49:01 AM] girl: i'm such a fucking crybaby aj lol did i tell you what happened. that i was crying on my pillow and thought i left mascara marks but realized that it was from the last time i cried on the pillow. im such af ucking crybaby. im probably crying more often than im not crying [8/5/2017 5:49:12 AM] girl: im sorry ive been so fucking awful [8/5/2017 5:50:22 AM] girl: so much of me has a horrible horrible horrible time letting go of how you were my best friend, and how you meant so much to me, and i dont know if i even want to, i dont know. im such a fucking dick and im such a fucking idiot and it's very obnoxious to be so self deprecating when i just mean to say im sorry [8/5/2017 5:50:50 AM] girl: (avocadolove) [8/5/2017 5:50:54 AM] girl: avo cado love [8/5/2017 5:51:12 AM] girl: im very sleep deprived sorry but i mean it, most of it [8/5/2017 5:07:19 PM] girl: on a another less self deprecating note, its really cool when some strange 40 year old sam hyde looking man approaches you outside your house and asks where you live and if you want to see the tupac poster hes going to go pick up and if you want to go on a coffee date [8/5/2017 5:07:29 PM] girl: REALLY fucking cool [8/6/2017 2:56:13 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:40:41 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/8/2017 6:32:59 AM] girl: i keep biting my lip much too hard and its annoying but its also whatever. i hope your move is going ok. Mine is but i hate moving, and i have so many stuffed animals because i love stuffed animals and whimsical ceramics and other things that make other adults in my life think im a child and a fool for. i dont care. i will die in a sanrio casket [8/8/2017 6:34:23 AM] girl: by much too hard i mean im missing small chunks from my lips sometimes which hurts but i also like eatinf my own blood like a freak, which maybe says something about a lack of nutrients in my body but who knows [8/8/2017 6:41:29 AM] girl: so tired but not quite sleepy [8/8/2017 6:43:08 AM] girl: Im trying all the time to be good and not bad, and I hope it works out, i hope i hope i. Hope im good and not bad. I wish i could hug you and stick my face in your shirt and not leave for an hour because that sounds nice and because im very tired and need a break [8/9/2017 12:53:08 AM] aj: Mm.  You poor thing. [8/9/2017 12:53:29 AM] aj: I don't mean that in a condescending way, though I feel like everything I say might always be interpreted that way. [8/9/2017 12:54:11 AM] aj: The move didn't happen.  A lot of unforeseen things happened, and I find myself back in AZ slightly poorer, slightly wiser, and without the plans that I'd made for the last six months. [8/9/2017 12:54:45 AM] aj: I'm frustrated.  Lots of people are sad for me, or the situation, but I don't really feel sad.  A friend of mine didn't do what he needed to, and so things didn't work out for either of us. [8/9/2017 12:55:18 AM] aj: Mostly, I'm frustrated because I could have kept closer tabs on him, and didn't.  I didn't because I would still have to work with him, and didn't want to seem overbearing. [8/9/2017 12:56:47 AM] girl: Spooked me. I was trying to figure out if i could read, and the answer is a big fat "only kind of, retard" [8/9/2017 12:57:02 AM] aj: Heh [8/9/2017 12:57:06 AM] girl: Also, that's really annoying! [8/9/2017 12:58:01 AM] aj: That's life, sometimes.  I have a few months to figure out what I'm going to do next.  People around me want me to try and make a go of it in the spring.  I think I'll probably end up staying in AZ and making a go of it out here, though. [8/9/2017 12:58:20 AM] aj: It's too soon to give you all the reasons for this.  People think I'm really methodical? [8/9/2017 12:58:31 AM] aj: I'm not.  I'm really, really intuitive. [8/9/2017 12:58:45 AM] aj: and when I act on my intuition, it's usually reasoned. [8/9/2017 12:59:02 AM] aj: But at core, it's intuition. [8/9/2017 12:59:23 AM] girl: I never know what you mean when you imply you're going to tell me something later [8/9/2017 1:00:08 AM] aj: The school I was transferring to had some religious rules to it. [8/9/2017 1:00:18 AM] aj: Amusingly enough. [8/9/2017 1:00:39 AM] girl: Do you have to wear special mormon panties? [8/9/2017 1:00:49 AM] aj: lmao [8/9/2017 1:00:58 AM] aj: Nah. [8/9/2017 1:02:42 AM] girl: I'm thinking abt making those assholes in colorado use the dollars they get for being goodhearted foster parents (thank god they are here who knows what we would do without them) to put my brother in some chill boarding school so he doesnt have to um live in a housr with cameras and constantly be accused of lying [8/9/2017 1:03:16 AM] aj: I think that's a good idea. [8/9/2017 1:04:00 AM] girl: What do you mean when you tell me you'll tell me things later? It's a weird thing to say [8/9/2017 1:04:57 AM] aj: I mean that either the thing I'll tell you is time-sensitive, I won't know how it will turn out, or that I'll tell you about it but have reservations about telling you right this moment. [8/9/2017 1:06:02 AM] girl: Weirdo [8/9/2017 1:06:08 AM] girl: Fair enough [8/9/2017 1:06:18 AM] aj: Stones and glass houses, Kort. [8/9/2017 1:06:39 AM] aj: =P [8/9/2017 1:06:58 AM] girl: it makes me flustered when you call me that, and ive never heard that phrase before [8/9/2017 1:07:17 AM] aj: Don't throw stones when you live in a glass house? [8/9/2017 1:08:12 AM] girl: why would i do that? Why would i throw stones indoors? Glass houses seem impractical. I'm frowning. [8/9/2017 1:08:34 AM] aj: You're a princess, yet you comment on the impracticality of glass houses? [8/9/2017 1:08:40 AM] aj: You're a terrible princess. [8/9/2017 1:08:59 AM] girl: you called me a princess [8/9/2017 1:09:18 AM] aj: I called your princess-ness into question. [8/9/2017 1:09:35 AM] girl: a terrible princess is still a princess [8/9/2017 1:09:49 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) [8/9/2017 1:09:57 AM] aj: Yes, but even more than yes? [8/9/2017 1:09:59 AM] aj: No. [8/9/2017 1:10:03 AM] aj: Much more no than yes. [8/9/2017 1:10:16 AM] aj: Overwhelmingly no, you could say. [8/9/2017 1:10:46 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) you sound like you're overcompensating because you slipped up and really did call me a princess [8/9/2017 1:10:56 AM] girl: Not that its any of my business or would ever be [8/9/2017 1:11:03 AM] aj: I've called you a princess before. [8/9/2017 1:11:12 AM] aj: You just happen to be a treasure princess. [8/9/2017 1:11:20 AM] girl: Ill bite you [8/9/2017 1:11:50 AM] aj: Anyways, I read what you sent while I was gone. [8/9/2017 1:13:08 AM] aj: You're gonna be how you are, which Is what I mean when I tell you it's okay. [8/9/2017 1:13:38 AM] aj: and, I remember linking you to music and it tripped you up a lot. [8/9/2017 1:13:44 AM] aj: Which was sort of amusing in a way. [8/9/2017 1:14:06 AM] aj: Mostly I just wondered if it was as offputting as talking with you was when you'd shout uncontrollably. [8/9/2017 1:15:31 AM] girl: If what was as offputting? [8/9/2017 1:15:47 AM] aj: The music I linked you to. [8/9/2017 1:16:17 AM] aj: Like, a few times early on, either you or I did something that the other person was just entirely put off by.  Me with the music, for instance. [8/9/2017 1:16:52 AM] girl: Oh. [8/9/2017 1:17:56 AM] girl: It was just uncomfortable. Its almost always weird basement men but i find it really strange and slightly disconcerting when people only listen to ambientt [8/9/2017 1:18:14 AM] girl: Ari likes....shudder.........aphex twin [8/9/2017 1:18:20 AM] aj: lmao [8/9/2017 1:19:38 AM] aj: For the road trip, I mostly listened to Bowie, some The Who, and a lot of Manowar.  I don't really know why. [8/9/2017 1:19:54 AM] aj: I was in a jazz mood for a while while out there. [8/9/2017 1:20:20 AM] girl: I fucking hate aphex twin hes so scary and his songs ablut asthma give me anxiety. Hes so scary scary [8/9/2017 1:20:29 AM] girl: That's kind of cute. Old fuck [8/9/2017 1:20:51 AM] aj: I don't fit in any time or place, tbh. [8/9/2017 1:21:11 AM] aj: but yeah, Aphex Twin was never really something I cared for. [8/9/2017 1:22:04 AM] aj: I had a lot of time to myself and thought about you some. [8/9/2017 1:22:39 AM] aj: When I wasn't being turned down in rapid succession for places to live, or being leaned on by people out there I'd be working with [8/9/2017 1:22:50 AM] aj: Or realizing how my stupid friend probably never did anything. [8/9/2017 1:22:57 AM] aj: Or, you know, about a dozen other thoughts. [8/9/2017 1:23:55 AM] girl: What about me? [8/9/2017 1:24:24 AM] aj: I saw a small dog and thought you might've found it cute, one time. [8/9/2017 1:25:12 AM] aj: Another time I was staring at the ceiling of my hotel room and wondered if the anxiety I was experiencing at that moment was like yours. [8/9/2017 1:25:44 AM] girl: Hmm... i would have definitely found it cute. The dog. No dog out there isn't cute... [8/9/2017 1:26:03 AM] aj: You know, while I was biting my bottom lip and picking open one of the scars on my arm out of idle nervous habit. [8/9/2017 1:27:23 AM] girl: Mmm. What were you anxious about? [8/9/2017 1:27:42 AM] aj: That all of my plans were falling apart? [8/9/2017 1:28:02 AM] aj: and I still had a day to at least give things another shot, even though I could already see the outcome. [8/9/2017 1:28:44 AM] aj: So I had to get up and try anyways, even though I had concluded it was pointless.  So I was then forcing myself to be optimistic, and generally dreading all the work I'd have to do once things fell through. [8/9/2017 1:28:55 AM] aj: and dreading how many times I'd have to explain it to various people. [8/9/2017 1:29:28 AM] aj: and I was mostly anxious about all of that. [8/9/2017 1:30:15 AM] aj: When I'm really, really anxious, I also just sometimes want someone to let me curl up against them.  Then they can stroke my hair. [8/9/2017 1:30:25 AM] aj: But I have nobody who'll do that for me right now. [8/9/2017 1:34:21 AM] aj: Anyways. [8/9/2017 1:34:52 AM] aj: I think about you from time to time.  Mostly it's just small, passing things. [8/9/2017 1:35:22 AM] aj: In times where I want comfort, I don't think of you, because it'd probably just be bad if I looked to you for comfort. [8/9/2017 1:35:35 AM] aj: Especially when I can talk with you honestly, and somewhat frequently, without issue. [8/9/2017 1:37:39 AM] girl: Haha. That only makes me want to do it more, you know. [8/9/2017 1:38:29 AM] girl: Because that's sad. [8/9/2017 1:39:50 AM] aj: Heh [8/9/2017 1:40:57 AM] girl: I don't like to be thought of as people's weird mommy friend but i do like to feel helpful. [8/9/2017 1:41:39 AM] girl: I'm sorry things didn't work out quite right, as they tend to do [8/9/2017 1:41:45 AM] aj: Most times I end up being the one other people want cuddles from. [8/9/2017 1:42:00 AM] aj: So sometimes I want them for me. [8/9/2017 1:42:16 AM] aj: and, that's just life.  I'm not really down from it.  I just have to figure out what next. [8/9/2017 1:42:31 AM] girl: It's too hot to do any thinking [8/9/2017 1:43:40 AM] aj: True. [8/9/2017 1:44:07 AM] aj: and, I wasn't looking for cuddles from you.  Or comfort.  You're easy to talk to, and that's safest for both of us. [8/9/2017 1:44:11 AM] aj: =P [8/9/2017 1:47:42 AM] girl: I know that. [8/9/2017 1:48:09 AM] girl: I just would [8/9/2017 1:48:33 AM] aj: Yeah, and I'd probably let you bury your face in my shirt, too. [8/9/2017 1:48:45 AM] aj: and pat your head and stuff. [8/9/2017 1:49:07 AM] aj: But yeah. [8/9/2017 1:50:02 AM] girl: good [8/9/2017 1:50:13 AM] girl: i deserve head pats pretty much any time i want them, [8/9/2017 1:50:16 AM] girl: thems just the facts [8/9/2017 1:52:04 AM] aj: I mean, I could say the same for me. [8/9/2017 1:52:21 AM] girl: youre not nearly as cute as i am [8/9/2017 1:53:00 AM] aj: That has nothing to do with deserving headpats [8/9/2017 1:53:31 AM] girl: Yeah it does. Cute orphans. Get headpats. Its my slogan [8/9/2017 1:53:49 AM] aj: Nah [8/9/2017 1:54:27 AM] girl: yeah, idiot [8/9/2017 1:56:09 AM] girl: but id headpat you even if you aren't quite as cute as i am, or even an orphan [8/9/2017 1:56:17 AM] girl: arent i so nice [8/9/2017 1:56:34 AM] girl: you, nodding to yourself: wow, she is sooo nice and cool [8/9/2017 1:59:46 AM] aj: Heh. [8/9/2017 2:00:00 AM] aj: Anyways.  I'm getting some rest. [8/9/2017 2:00:02 AM] aj: Sleep well. [8/9/2017 2:00:11 AM] girl: i will do my best [8/9/2017 2:00:22 AM] girl: goodnight, dummy [8/9/2017 12:29:53 PM] girl: put me in the dirt [8/9/2017 4:40:54 PM] girl: moving is a big fat pain in my big fat ass but its Happening [8/9/2017 6:14:56 PM] girl: Did your birthday pass already????? Happy birthday??? Maybe????? Everyone's birthdays are in august and october and november... [8/9/2017 6:16:22 PM] girl: my moms and my sisters and my friend tinas are all in august, and mine and kittys and maxs and hopes and aris moms are all in october, and my brother and my dads are in november... fucking scorpios but never mind that [8/9/2017 7:09:28 PM] girl: it is really cool when someone tells me they fingered their girlfriend to weezer in the car... um... that's not really my business [8/10/2017 12:18:24 AM] girl: just glued.. a bunch of flowers... to my face.........which is cool [8/10/2017 1:10:27 AM] aj: To Weezer? [8/10/2017 1:10:39 AM] girl: to weezer :/ [8/10/2017 1:10:49 AM] girl: very terrible [8/10/2017 1:11:05 AM] aj: I never knew people would do that. [8/10/2017 1:11:25 AM] aj: Like, abstractly, I know people are horrible and have shit taste and do trashy things. [8/10/2017 1:11:41 AM] aj: But this is a special kind of trashy that I just didn't think existed. [8/10/2017 1:12:02 AM] girl: i know... he's like... way too old to be doing that kind of thing too [8/10/2017 1:12:13 AM] girl: it's not right or healthy [8/10/2017 1:12:40 AM] aj: Yeah, I've got nothing else to really say on that one. [8/10/2017 1:12:49 AM] aj: My life is worse from knowing someone did something like that. [8/10/2017 1:13:03 AM] girl: if i have to suffer so do you [8/10/2017 1:13:19 AM] aj: You like suffering, though [8/10/2017 1:13:22 AM] aj: I don't. [8/10/2017 1:13:29 AM] aj: This isn't a good tradeoff. [8/10/2017 1:13:39 AM] girl: this is not the kind of suffering i like [8/10/2017 1:14:14 AM] aj: Still. [8/10/2017 1:14:16 AM] girl: Constant - Last Tuesday at 11:48 PM Mhmm Gonna be a fun drive home too horses420 - Last Tuesday at 11:48 PM i caught up on that manwha and its really tense i need a benzo oh,,,,,dont fuck in the car Constant - Last Tuesday at 11:48 PM We had a lil fun in the parking garage. Lol Nice [8/10/2017 1:14:25 AM] girl: a lil fun in the parking garage [8/10/2017 1:14:30 AM] aj: ... [8/10/2017 1:14:35 AM] girl: honey i know [8/10/2017 1:14:45 AM] girl: i know..... i know................ [8/10/2017 1:15:36 AM] aj: I'm going to open a portal to some world that has terrible things in it.  Those things will then purge the human race of things like this, at the small cost of my eternal soul. [8/10/2017 1:15:39 AM] aj: and it'd be worth it. [8/10/2017 1:15:55 AM] girl: a lil fun in the parking garage ;) [8/10/2017 1:16:02 AM] girl: am i right? [8/10/2017 1:16:32 AM] aj: It has this cutesy phrasing to it that just makes the whole thing creepy. [8/10/2017 1:16:45 AM] girl: yeah [8/10/2017 1:16:52 AM] girl: it's very ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm [8/10/2017 1:16:57 AM] aj: You're too old for that stuff, homie. [8/10/2017 1:17:10 AM] girl: disgusting........ [8/10/2017 1:17:16 AM] girl: yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh [8/10/2017 1:17:31 AM] aj: Though, really. [8/10/2017 1:17:41 AM] aj: The girlfriend is also trash. [8/10/2017 1:17:45 AM] aj: Weezer? [8/10/2017 1:17:58 AM] aj: She wasn't lying back and thinking of England or some shit. [8/10/2017 1:18:05 AM] aj: We're not that prudish. [8/10/2017 1:18:20 AM] girl: i would never blame her for what he puts on in the car while they make sick horrible love to one another [8/10/2017 1:18:38 AM] aj: I would blame her for being with a person who would feasibly do such a thing. [8/10/2017 1:18:43 AM] girl: that's her ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm daddy LOL [8/10/2017 1:18:55 AM] aj: If you look at someone and go [8/10/2017 1:19:20 AM] aj: "is it possible that this person would finger me while Weezer is playing in the car?" and it's not a "No, this person has more class" [8/10/2017 1:19:23 AM] aj: Find someone else. [8/10/2017 1:19:33 AM] aj: There's 8+ billion people on the planet. [8/10/2017 1:19:58 AM] girl: i still have flowers glued to my face and im not pumped to take them off and wash my face, there's like a pound of glitter onme [8/10/2017 1:20:08 AM] girl: ummm that's her baby [8/10/2017 1:20:12 AM] girl: that's her um... special man.. [8/10/2017 1:20:15 AM] girl: she loves him........ [8/10/2017 1:20:27 AM] girl: actually im pretty sure he's her um Side Hoe as they say [8/10/2017 1:20:30 AM] aj: You're saying this like it matters. [8/10/2017 1:20:43 AM] aj: There are some matters that have no leeway to them. [8/10/2017 1:20:45 AM] girl: that'ss her baby.....her .........lover [8/10/2017 1:20:50 AM] aj: So? [8/10/2017 1:21:03 AM] girl: her special......baby boy.................... [8/10/2017 1:21:06 AM] girl: ...................her little man [8/10/2017 1:21:28 AM] aj: Doesn't make a difference. [8/10/2017 1:22:09 AM] girl: i'm not making it that hard to read my tone you fool boy [8/10/2017 1:22:14 AM] girl: im making jokes. you ever heard of jokes [8/10/2017 1:22:19 AM] girl: >:( [8/10/2017 1:22:32 AM] aj: This is no joking matter you sparkly piece of shit [8/10/2017 1:22:41 AM] girl: i'm CUTE and im GLITTERING [8/10/2017 1:22:48 AM] aj: Sparkly. [8/10/2017 1:22:50 AM] aj: Piece. [8/10/2017 1:22:51 AM] aj: Of. [8/10/2017 1:22:52 AM] aj: Shit. [8/10/2017 1:22:56 AM] girl: >:( [8/10/2017 1:23:03 AM] girl: say it to my face you fucking bitch boy [8/10/2017 1:23:06 AM] aj: That's why flowers are growing on you. [8/10/2017 1:23:21 AM] girl: they're not growing on me i went outside at 10 pm and i STOLE them from the BANK [8/10/2017 1:23:34 AM] girl: the garden outside the bank, to be specific [8/10/2017 1:23:42 AM] aj: Only pieces of shit steal flowers from banks. [8/10/2017 1:23:47 AM] aj: I rest my case. [8/10/2017 1:24:05 AM] girl: bitch bye [8/10/2017 1:24:20 AM] girl: it was very brave of me honestly [8/10/2017 1:24:37 AM] girl: there were many scary shadow men outside but i brought my pepper gel and a large pair of kitchen scissors (for cutting flowers) [8/10/2017 1:25:48 AM] girl: anyway [8/10/2017 1:25:54 AM] aj: Heh. [8/10/2017 1:25:57 AM] girl: now you get to read this since you said something so horrible to me [8/10/2017 1:25:59 AM] girl: Constant - Yesterday at 1:40 AM I fingered her to Weezer and made her cum during the drive lol Constant - Yesterday at 7:07 PM Hey horses420 - Yesterday at 7:08 PM hi! also oh my god um wow Constant - Yesterday at 7:08 PM xD There's a lyric during "across the sea" where he sings "I could never touch you, I think it would be wrong" horses420 - Yesterday at 7:09 PM LOL Constant - Yesterday at 7:09 PM And I belted it while rolling her clit between my fingers horses420 - Yesterday at 7:09 PM i hate across the sea but i love weezer but rivers cuomo can die oh my GOD [8/10/2017 1:26:10 AM] girl: have fun you pos [8/10/2017 1:26:54 AM] aj: Yeah, enjoy getting ignored for two months for that. [8/10/2017 1:27:02 AM] girl: you do that all the time anyway! [8/10/2017 1:27:17 AM] aj: It's not meant to be particularly punitive. [8/10/2017 1:27:37 AM] girl: use smaller words for my idiot brain wont you [8/10/2017 1:27:40 AM] aj: If you were nearby, I'd just use a squirtgun on your face, like if you were a cat. [8/10/2017 1:27:55 AM] aj: and probably say "BAD" or something [8/10/2017 1:28:06 AM] girl: i'd strangle you for moistening my lewk [8/10/2017 1:28:20 AM] aj: You couldn't even reach my neck. [8/10/2017 1:28:32 AM] girl: ohhh my goddd [8/10/2017 1:28:32 AM] aj: Shorty, with short arms and small hands. [8/10/2017 1:28:37 AM] girl: i dont have small hands! [8/10/2017 1:28:40 AM] girl: i have big hands!!! [8/10/2017 1:28:44 AM] aj: Ew. [8/10/2017 1:28:55 AM] girl: dont say ew about my hands!! they are large and i cant help it [8/10/2017 1:29:12 AM] aj: I'm not really grossed out [8/10/2017 1:29:23 AM] aj: It was just the quickest reply when you denied they were small. [8/10/2017 1:29:39 AM] girl: cruel [8/10/2017 1:29:43 AM] aj: and rather than assert they are, it seemed more fun to be grossed out by large hands. [8/10/2017 1:30:27 AM] girl: you're going to give me a complex about my hands [8/10/2017 1:30:45 AM] aj: You started this. [8/10/2017 1:31:28 AM] girl: i'll die from sadness and my grave will say aj's fault :))) [8/10/2017 1:32:00 AM] aj: Just so long as you don't haunt me. [8/10/2017 1:32:07 AM] girl: i will [8/10/2017 1:32:20 AM] aj: I'll bind you to like, a rock or something, and then glue you to a crustacean. [8/10/2017 1:32:22 AM] girl: i'll sit by your desk and cry and cry and cry all day about my hands [8/10/2017 1:32:40 AM] aj: and I will make sure it gets dumped in the deep, dark ocean. [8/10/2017 1:33:15 AM] aj: All alone.  You and some shelled bottom feeder.  Way past the depths that the sun reaches. [8/10/2017 1:33:22 AM] girl: :))) [8/10/2017 1:33:28 AM] girl: ill use your eyes as a pincushion [8/10/2017 1:33:44 AM] aj: Yeah, you'll die a thousand times for that. [8/10/2017 1:33:48 AM] girl: <3 [8/10/2017 1:34:01 AM] aj: It's cute you remember that. [8/10/2017 1:34:08 AM] aj: and it's also a good feeling for me. [8/10/2017 1:34:15 AM] girl: shut up [8/10/2017 1:34:17 AM] girl: you remember things [8/10/2017 1:34:24 AM] aj: Of course I do. [8/10/2017 1:34:40 AM] aj: I meant it more because eye-stuff doesn't squick me out like it used to. [8/10/2017 1:34:49 AM] aj: I forced myself to desensitize to it. [8/10/2017 1:35:09 AM] aj: So, you're remembering something that doesn't get to me. [8/10/2017 1:35:11 AM] girl: me too, with most crabs [8/10/2017 1:35:16 AM] aj: Which tells me I've grown. [8/10/2017 1:35:21 AM] girl: and isopods, even, but i dont really like to look at them anyway [8/10/2017 1:35:24 AM] aj: What about King Crabs? [8/10/2017 1:35:24 AM] girl: they look. bad. [8/10/2017 1:35:44 AM] girl: unpleasant, but i can handle it [8/10/2017 1:35:55 AM] aj: You've grown. [8/10/2017 1:35:58 AM] aj: You get headpats. [8/10/2017 1:36:02 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/10/2017 1:36:07 AM] girl: i took a picture of me posing with oen of those horrible fucking spider crabs and i get sick when i look at it [8/10/2017 1:36:28 AM] girl: you're making me flustered [8/10/2017 1:36:56 AM] aj: Overcoming fears shows growth, particularly character growth. [8/10/2017 1:37:03 AM] aj: Good job.  I mean it. [8/10/2017 1:37:07 AM] aj:  /more headpats [8/10/2017 1:37:29 AM] girl: it still feels condescending somehow [8/10/2017 1:37:34 AM] girl: but in a way that i dont mind so much [8/10/2017 1:37:41 AM] aj: I'm being honest, here. [8/10/2017 1:37:48 AM] girl: i know you are, dummy. [8/10/2017 1:37:53 AM] aj: and I'd give you hugs, but that's sort of like a once-a-year thing, maybe. [8/10/2017 1:37:59 AM] aj: So headpats is the most intimacy you get. [8/10/2017 1:38:04 AM] girl: im rolling my eyes [8/10/2017 1:38:14 AM] girl: you can't even actually touch me, you dumb idiot loser [8/10/2017 1:38:24 AM] aj: Doesn't stop you from being flustered. [8/10/2017 1:38:47 AM] girl: i'm easily flustered [8/10/2017 1:39:42 AM] aj: Point stands. [8/10/2017 1:40:08 AM] girl: shut up idiot [8/10/2017 1:41:14 AM] girl: im a sucker in general, doesn't mean anything [8/10/2017 1:41:28 AM] aj: I'll believe you. [8/10/2017 1:41:43 AM] girl: well, don't, i'm only half telling the truth [8/10/2017 1:41:53 AM] aj: I know. [8/10/2017 1:41:58 AM] aj: That's why I'm deciding to believe you. [8/10/2017 1:42:04 AM] aj: Rather than, you know, being convinced. [8/10/2017 1:42:16 AM] girl: 9___9 [8/10/2017 1:42:59 AM] girl: my eyes are rolling so far back into my head that i can see my brain [8/10/2017 1:43:58 AM] aj: Anyways, good on you.  Some people don't grow out of fears. [8/10/2017 1:44:22 AM] girl: its annoying to be afraid [8/10/2017 1:45:43 AM] girl: i feel restless and weird [8/10/2017 1:46:01 AM] girl: and also like maybe one of these flowers is making my face itch [8/10/2017 1:47:22 AM] aj: Heh [8/10/2017 1:47:43 AM] girl: beauty is uncomfortable itchiness as they say [8/10/2017 1:48:08 AM] girl: ari is looking at horrible deep sea fish and its like playing russian roulette every time he scrolls [8/10/2017 1:48:14 AM] girl: like whats gonna pop up next [8/10/2017 1:48:23 AM] girl: might be a big weird fish [8/10/2017 1:48:25 AM] girl: might be actually a demon [8/10/2017 1:52:29 AM] girl: kittys cat bunny is the cutest thing ive ever seen in my life [8/10/2017 1:52:32 AM] girl: i'd literally die for her [8/10/2017 1:53:03 AM] girl: also you never told me if it was your birthday or not yet you old man [8/10/2017 1:53:14 AM] aj: Not yet. [8/10/2017 1:53:57 AM] girl: when is it? [8/10/2017 1:55:28 AM] aj: =P [8/10/2017 1:55:34 AM] girl: eyeroll [8/10/2017 1:56:19 AM] aj: My dad killed himself right near my birthday, so I really don't like talking about it. [8/10/2017 1:56:37 AM] aj: I can't really think about one without the other. [8/10/2017 1:57:04 AM] girl: that's horrible horrible [8/10/2017 1:57:46 AM] girl: sorry, i didnt mean to make you think about something awful [8/10/2017 1:58:22 AM] aj: It's okay.  I just really don't think about it too much, generally. [8/10/2017 2:00:05 AM] girl: pet pet [8/10/2017 2:00:19 AM] girl: ill try and remember that [8/10/2017 2:00:59 AM] girl: i took the flowers off my face and put them on my leg instead [8/10/2017 2:02:21 AM] girl: its scary that deep sea things look really wrong when they get outside of the ocean [8/10/2017 2:17:44 AM] girl: im thinking about you a little lately, but not too bigly. i feel really strange and restless and anxious in a way that is hard to explain, about a lot of things and im not sure quite what. just in the background i guess. maybe like im always waiting for the carpet to be pulled out from under me because a lot of times life is very bold and unafraid to disappoint me [8/10/2017 2:18:47 AM] girl: i miss you a lot and annoyingly, and im relieved a lot when youre good. I hate that im so anxious and so chatty [8/10/2017 4:00:53 AM] girl: you said something kind of cute and strange earlier [8/10/2017 4:01:08 AM] girl: that i like to suffer, or something [8/10/2017 4:01:24 AM] girl: but i think its less that i like it and more that it comforts me [8/10/2017 4:02:45 AM] girl: i hope i didnt upset you much, but i think you probably just went to bed, but i worry worry anyway that youd be sad [8/10/2017 6:00:13 AM] girl: hah [8/10/2017 6:00:26 AM] girl: im such a self destructive loser [8/10/2017 6:09:24 AM] girl: I feel like I'm just gonna fuck this up inevitably [8/10/2017 6:09:41 AM] girl: ari i mean [8/10/2017 6:11:40 AM] girl: I hate talking to fucking losers online and trying to make them fall in lpve with me or want to fuck me or both, i hate that i see aris friends that way, i hate that i cant detach my worth from being something fuckable and i feel so self destructive, like im okay right now but like im gonna fuck up so bad, and i love him, i love him so much, ive never had anyone be this good to me, ive never ever been so loved i dont think [8/10/2017 6:14:15 AM] girl: so why am i like this? Why am i so intent on towing the line between whats appropriate with men and whats not? i dont even fucking like it. Im not talking about you either because i feel the way i do about you sickly and at least when i want you to love me or want to fuck me its partially because i have like a real emotional attachment to you. I dont fucking love it and its messed up of me and im sorry i make it so fucking obvious but at least with you or like hope its you or hope and like youre both [8/10/2017 6:14:26 AM] girl: People I actually give a shit about [8/10/2017 6:15:58 AM] girl: i hate it though. I hate when losers want to fuck me and i hTe when for a second or two i thought they were my friends or that they cared about me when i know better [8/10/2017 6:16:09 AM | Removed 7:19:45 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/10/2017 6:16:15 AM] girl: i just have a big headache hahaI sdont think im gonna sleep [8/10/2017 6:20:44 AM] girl: Also sorry if you ever see the long strinf of messages i leave you and go "wow that's obnoxious" but i dont do it out of ignorance i just cant stop hahaha [8/10/2017 6:20:54 AM] girl: Sorry [8/10/2017 1:39:04 PM] girl: I'm such a fuuuucking loser but its chill. Helped ari pack and am suffering in bed of sleeplessness like a fool woman who has done wrong [8/10/2017 6:59:31 PM | Removed 7:19:38 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/10/2017 6:59:52 PM | Removed 7:19:32 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/10/2017 6:59:54 PM | Removed 7:19:28 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/11/2017 11:13:29 PM] aj: Interesting name change. [8/11/2017 11:17:29 PM] girl: Thought it was charming of me [8/11/2017 11:19:53 PM] girl: you have weirdly good timinf a lot of the time [8/11/2017 11:24:27 PM] aj: I've always had that. [8/11/2017 11:25:50 PM] girl: Youve messaged me twice in a row now like right after i was done dicking around for like two hours [8/11/2017 11:27:11 PM] aj: Heh. [8/11/2017 11:28:07 PM] girl: are you. well [8/11/2017 11:28:30 PM] aj: I'm doing okay.  I just felt like checking in on you. [8/11/2017 11:28:47 PM] girl: im here and i'm Showered [8/11/2017 11:30:26 PM] aj:  /headpats [8/11/2017 11:30:50 PM] girl: why headpats [8/11/2017 11:30:59 PM] girl: bites [8/11/2017 11:35:14 PM] aj: You have someone good for you.  You're smart enough to recognize it.  Everyone has self-worth tied up in strange things.  I'm not really an exception. [8/11/2017 11:36:36 PM] girl: yeah [8/11/2017 11:38:19 PM] aj: So I guess about the only thing worth saying to you is that I've found all the bullshit, day-to-day stuff involved in keeping a relationship going is all really difficult for me.  I like doing big things, but not all the little things along the way, which is actually what matters when it comes down to it.  In your case, I think you're probably a more balanced person than I am.  You care about little things in a way I can't really get in my headspace. [8/11/2017 11:38:56 PM] aj: There's gonna be self-worth issues and all that shit.  Validation from stupid men is sort of the junk food of self worth. [8/11/2017 11:40:51 PM] girl: Sure is. It's pretty uh [8/11/2017 11:40:55 PM] girl: Terrible [8/11/2017 11:41:50 PM] aj: I think, for you, you've had so many relationships go entirely to shit that this worry you have is magnified.  It's not a bad worry.  It'll hopefully keep you open and looking at what you need to do to keep things good. [8/11/2017 11:44:02 PM] girl: im just [8/11/2017 11:47:16 PM] girl: it's so hard to shake the idea that if i self destruct first, then no one can catch me by surprise, and that being surprised hurts more than hurting yourself on purpose [8/11/2017 11:50:40 PM] girl: i also just [8/11/2017 11:51:46 PM] girl: don't really love myself for me, ever, even if i say i do or try to sometimes, i dont think [8/11/2017 11:52:46 PM] girl: i think most of the time id rather die than be a burden even though i try not to think that way [8/11/2017 11:53:50 PM] girl: why is doing small stuff difficult for you? [8/11/2017 11:56:57 PM] girl: also sorry i sent you all that earlier, lol, it's, embarrassing, but, you're easier to talk to about it because you're not in my social circles [8/11/2017 11:57:13 PM] girl: i also feel like you probably worry less than kitty would [8/12/2017 12:09:28 AM] girl: im really out of it lmao but dwayne the rock johnson looks like afucking egg [8/12/2017 12:09:30 AM] girl: on a body [8/12/2017 12:35:53 AM] girl: also its my moms bday time to do My Drinking [8/12/2017 12:38:26 AM] girl: japanese chins are the cutest fucking dogs,,,,, it makes me want to die [8/12/2017 12:44:04 AM] girl: sorry for rambling so much lol im gonna snooze though i think [8/12/2017 12:44:13 AM] girl: <3 bye [8/12/2017 1:15:27 AM] aj: Sorry for the lapse.  Skype was being an asshole, so I just finished up the rest of what I needed to do tonight. [8/12/2017 1:16:57 AM] aj: Basically, you're engaging with a logic that everyone does.  "Nobody can hurt me if I keep them away."  or  "If I care less than they do, then I can't be hurt by them."  Self-sabotage gives you a sense of control over the bad things, at a huge expense. [8/12/2017 1:17:28 AM] aj: I did that.  I'm super, super good at that mindset. [8/12/2017 1:17:44 AM] aj: I read something a while back, though, and it took a while to really let it sink in. [8/12/2017 1:18:46 AM] aj: Being vulnerable is powerful.  You're seeking to be invulnerable.  You don't want to really be hurt by others.  Not investing in them, and self-destructing means that you hurt yourself, but you know how that feels.  It's familiar.  Whereas, who knows how you'll handle other people hurting you, and you've been hurt a lot. [8/12/2017 1:20:12 AM] aj: I hate being vulnerable, but it has allowed me to have friendships I wouldn't have otherwise.  It has allowed me to fix some of the shit wrong with me.  I'm not a perfect human being by any measure, but trying to be vulnerable lets me try things other people who self-sabotage more won't try, and has led me to seeking new opportunities. [8/12/2017 1:21:47 AM] aj: and, it's especially difficult as a male.  The last thing other guys expect when they ask me for advice is stuff like "Be vulnerable." because they equate vulnerability with being overly emotional or shit.  It's a difficult line to walk. [8/12/2017 1:21:50 AM] aj: Anyways. [8/12/2017 1:23:17 AM] aj: Loving yourself is all about the little things, which is why I also struggle with it.  Best advice I have in that arena is to pick one thing you hate about yourself and fix it.  Sure, you might have fifty-billion things, but pick one, fix it.  This means you have to pick something you can quantify. [8/12/2017 1:23:48 AM] aj: and it doesn't matter what the fuck it is because literally fuck everyone else, this is about you fixing something you don't like, not about anything anyone else has to say. [8/12/2017 1:27:18 AM] aj: and, doing all the small things is terribly hard for me because I'm terribly inconsistent. [8/12/2017 1:27:41 AM] aj: Being consistent takes so much of my effort. [8/12/2017 1:27:56 AM] aj: Anyways, have some more /headpats [8/12/2017 1:28:57 AM] aj: I'm not worried about you because I think you know the answers you need, and have the ability to move in a direction to make them happen.  Everything else is luck or fate or willpower or choice or something. [8/12/2017 1:35:30 AM] girl: Oops im still on the floor [8/12/2017 1:36:15 AM] girl: We were supposed to goooo to the apartment were moving into like probably before 1:30 but we forgot and now i am on the floor [8/12/2017 1:37:01 AM] girl: I thinkbeing [8/12/2017 1:37:42 AM] girl: Vulnerable is important. Too. But it's hard when everyone is so fucking prickly [8/12/2017 1:39:54 AM] aj: Yeah, it is. [8/12/2017 1:40:14 AM] girl: And its hard when im so weirdly into retraumatizing myself like some kind of idiot wwoudld [8/12/2017 1:40:28 AM] girl: I hope i dont fall asleep on the floor [8/12/2017 1:43:54 AM] girl: i hope i dont. fall asleep here. i will dislocate something im sure [8/12/2017 1:44:07 AM] girl: but [8/12/2017 1:44:10 AM] aj: Get off the floor and sleep somewhere better, stupid. [8/12/2017 1:44:43 AM] girl: it's good to be tender and open and i try ot be but also its hard even when im doing my best to be good. sometimes i try to be tender and open and i accidentally just make myself be everyones mommy or whatever and its like wlel oops [8/12/2017 1:45:01 AM] girl: somewhere better is like [8/12/2017 1:45:03 AM] girl: two blocks over [8/12/2017 1:45:14 AM] girl: and my fat little legs are struggling [8/12/2017 1:45:40 AM] girl: i mean, my mattress is not in my home, and is in my New home [8/12/2017 1:45:45 AM] aj: Make it happen anyways.  Dummy. [8/12/2017 1:45:50 AM] girl: you're the dummy [8/12/2017 1:45:59 AM] aj: We can both be dummies. [8/12/2017 1:46:03 AM] girl: no [8/12/2017 1:46:07 AM] girl: i'm smart and fast [8/12/2017 1:46:08 AM] girl: and strong [8/12/2017 1:46:09 AM] girl: and tall [8/12/2017 1:47:06 AM] aj: and a liar. [8/12/2017 1:47:17 AM] girl: i would never ever lie once or even ever [8/12/2017 1:48:23 AM] girl: boys are especially prickly, like you said. which is sad [8/12/2017 1:48:42 AM] girl: being emotional is honestly healthy for your insides and your outsides and crying over chow chow videos will bring you inner peace [8/12/2017 1:48:56 AM] aj: Heh. [8/12/2017 1:49:06 AM] girl: it doesn't matter much. ifrogtet what im saying... i think just. just. [8/12/2017 1:49:42 AM] girl: i wanna be good but i feel so destined to implode and i try so ahrd not to hurt myself or anybody else in the process but it creeps up on me weirdly [8/12/2017 1:50:30 AM] aj: You're cute, and you're trying.  That counts for stuff. [8/12/2017 1:50:56 AM] girl: like a fat puppy with weak little legs who is too stupid to roll over but is doing her best [8/12/2017 1:51:05 AM] aj: Pretty much. [8/12/2017 1:51:14 AM] girl: ihope that is what you imagine [8/12/2017 1:51:19 AM] girl: when you think of me [8/12/2017 1:52:53 AM] girl: you dfont always say the right thing, but when you do it's often very very much the right thing, somehow, or maybe someone already told me the right thing too, but i just wanted to hear it in the way you say it. feels like a verbal headpat when you say the right thing. very [8/12/2017 1:52:56 AM] girl: satisfying [8/12/2017 1:54:21 AM] girl: like. looking at a neatly organized drawer. and nodding to yourself [8/12/2017 1:54:28 AM] girl: and saying..hmm. that's right. [8/12/2017 1:55:34 AM] aj: Thanks. [8/12/2017 1:55:52 AM] girl: is that a real thanks [8/12/2017 1:56:00 AM] girl: i would understand if it wasnt [8/12/2017 1:56:58 AM] aj: There's gonna be stuff other people are better equipped to say or tell you.  I'm glad that I'm not just entirely useless. [8/12/2017 1:57:15 AM] girl: hah [8/12/2017 1:57:37 AM] girl: you're not usually useless [8/12/2017 1:58:03 AM] girl: i feel sad that so much is all weird and messed up between us [8/12/2017 2:01:10 AM] girl: even beyond my many and varying problems with the Male Species i still like you a lot. i know you say i wouldn't ever realistically get along with you, or that i'd hate you, but i dont really think i hate you or that i would if things were different. i hate some thigns about how you talk or some thigns that you did but i also am a freak who treasures you a bit if im being honest with myself [8/12/2017 2:01:34 AM] girl: im trying to say it without sounding stupid or caught up in the moment [8/12/2017 2:01:47 AM] aj: I get you. [8/12/2017 2:01:55 AM] girl: you do? [8/12/2017 2:02:53 AM] aj: Sure.  I still like you.  I sometimes have moments where I realize I'm talking to you and I think about the history of things.  I'm not really proud of any of it.  Or happy with it.  Both of us were vastly different, vastly unhappy human beings. [8/12/2017 2:03:26 AM] aj: But, emotional bonds still happen in fucked up situations.  There's science behind it, even.  Anyways. [8/12/2017 2:04:04 AM] aj: I have wondered how we'd interact without the fucked up past, and the truth is, we probably wouldn't?  Or it wouldn't have the same emotional quality to it. [8/12/2017 2:04:27 AM] aj: So the very thing that's fucked up is also the thing that is responsible for any deep connection or understanding. [8/12/2017 2:08:32 AM] girl: i don't think you've ever been useless to me. i don't know. and yeah, that's true, idk, it's messed up and sad, but it's what happened. i guess i don't think we would really interact much either, but, like, then again, i don't think either of us would be anything at all like we are if not for. everything i guess. in general. not just the you and me parts. [8/12/2017 2:08:49 AM] aj: Pretty much. [8/12/2017 2:08:58 AM] aj: That's the same conclusion I reached, at least. [8/12/2017 2:09:21 AM] girl: ive resigned to accepting for the time being that you're special to me and probably always will be no matter how fucked up it is of me to feel that way [8/12/2017 2:10:36 AM] girl: stupid of me i guess but [8/12/2017 2:12:49 AM] aj: It's accurate.  At this point, too, you're not really in a position to rehab yourself so that it'd go away.  Sorry about that. [8/12/2017 2:14:15 AM] girl: Ccwhoops [8/12/2017 2:14:24 AM] girl: That just my skype lgginh [8/12/2017 2:14:47 AM] aj: I'm a shitty person, but a lot of people treasure me.  I guess it's because only a few people know the depths.  I also guess it's because the good parts tend to balance in the eyes of most.  I've really stopped trying to figure it out. [8/12/2017 2:14:56 AM] aj: I know how conceited that sounds. [8/12/2017 2:16:16 AM] aj: I don't really know what I want out of life.  I have a few things that I need to work towards.  I'm mostly convinced that chasing material wealth Is a trap.  Likewise, I think having knowledge just to flaunt it makes someone an insufferable prick. [8/12/2017 2:16:53 AM] aj: So, mostly what I want to do is avoid becoming a person I hate. [8/12/2017 2:18:02 AM] girl: I think I'm fine even if I'm a trauma freak [8/12/2017 2:18:46 AM] aj: I want to be liked so that people won't think bad of me when I want to spend most of my time alone. [8/12/2017 2:18:49 AM] aj: Which sounds backwards. [8/12/2017 2:18:56 AM] aj: Being liked means not being alone. [8/12/2017 2:19:54 AM] girl: I'm out ofit as fuvk but im reading and I keep wanting tosay that even if you didnt do it right and im messed up from it like i think [8/12/2017 2:20:06 AM] girl: Something much more awful would have happened if you werent there [8/12/2017 2:20:25 AM] girl: im messed up and I really i think like in my sick little body like [8/12/2017 2:20:40 AM] girl: love you for it and for other thinsg im being messy [8/12/2017 2:20:52 AM] girl: messy messy girl [8/12/2017 2:22:03 AM] girl: but you don't have to feel horrible about it if it really hurts sometimes. Because at the end of the day i would have probably hqd a much mor e hoerible time [8/12/2017 2:22:17 AM] girl: I gotta snooze [8/12/2017 2:22:24 AM] aj: Heh. [8/12/2017 2:22:38 AM] aj: That's the fourth time I've cried this year. [8/12/2017 2:23:05 AM] girl: Dummy [8/12/2017 2:23:06 AM] aj: I... try not to make a habit of it. [8/12/2017 2:23:12 AM] girl: Take care od yoruself [8/12/2017 2:23:19 AM] aj: Stupid.  I'm going shortly.  Yeah.  I try. [8/12/2017 2:24:06 AM] girl: Crying? [8/12/2017 2:24:10 AM] aj: You're special to me.  I've always felt bad I couldn't make things perfect for you. [8/12/2017 2:24:36 AM] girl: CN yeah, me too [8/12/2017 2:24:47 AM] girl: I am outaide so i will be gone [8/12/2017 2:24:55 AM] girl: But rhank you [8/12/2017 2:25:01 AM] aj: Bye.  Sleep well. [8/12/2017 2:49:23 AM] girl: Hope u feel special af rn bc i just Fucking hopped on2 my neighbors wifi to tell you goodnight bc i felt rude for saying "CRYING? WELL im outside now bye" [8/12/2017 2:49:59 AM] girl: my ass hurts and i am suffering and doing crimes like STEALINF a good persons wifi [8/12/2017 2:50:01 AM] girl: but [8/12/2017 2:50:32 AM] girl: Goodnight [8/12/2017 2:50:38 AM] girl: For actually this time [8/12/2017 2:50:43 AM] girl: <3 [8/13/2017 9:28:26 PM] girl: lol.... [8/13/2017 9:28:27 PM] girl: um [8/13/2017 9:28:31 PM] girl: next time you're around [8/13/2017 9:28:41 PM] girl: you will be thrilled to hear about the new bullshit my family is pulling looooooollllll [8/13/2017 9:28:47 PM] girl: they are REALLY  cool [8/13/2017 9:29:00 PM] girl: and i am honestly feeling very wrathful all of a sudden [8/13/2017 9:29:11 PM] girl: like, very much so. i don't usually feel this way so i know they deserve it [8/14/2017 2:02:21 AM] girl: also, thank you, for being sweet the other night [8/14/2017 2:02:35 AM] aj: Sorry your family is a bunch of jerks. [8/14/2017 2:02:45 AM] aj: and, it seems you're the one with good timing tonight [8/14/2017 2:02:58 AM] girl: ok you weren't supposed yo pop up ouy of nowhere nlw im flustered [8/14/2017 2:03:09 AM] girl: I said something GAY [8/14/2017 2:03:32 AM] girl: But yeah loooool it was really cool [8/14/2017 2:03:52 AM] aj: Fill me in. [8/14/2017 2:06:17 AM] girl: so they were like trying to get me to like, take custody of my brother or something like a week ago out of no where, and were saying stuff abt how they "dont have room in the house" (because they decided to go for a fourth child, after my brother moved in) even though theyd been planning to fix up their basement for him anyqay (which was not that huge kf a project) [8/14/2017 2:06:28 AM] girl: A few weeks j guess [8/14/2017 2:06:41 AM] girl: And melissa my cousin left this whack ass voice mail [8/14/2017 2:07:29 AM] girl: About how much She loves me and to Take My Time answering her calls when j told her id set up a time to talk with her (and then she never got back to me on a time sooooo) [8/14/2017 2:07:45 AM] girl: And then like jake called me today [8/14/2017 2:07:48 AM] girl: And was like [8/14/2017 2:08:51 AM] girl: "So i guess melissa and casey asked if i was happy here and wherw i would live if i could, and my friends grandma up in Washington said shed be happy to take me, so now im gonna go there and live in Washington" [8/14/2017 2:09:10 AM] girl: And like mind you they dont knoq thwse  people, and didnt contact me at all [8/14/2017 2:10:13 AM] girl: And i called them up like sooo ok guys what's happening lol whats up? You told me id be unfit to take care of my brother and that hed be better off staying in one placw for all four years and now ur just sending him to his friends house? [8/14/2017 2:11:03 AM] girl: And they were like ohhh yeah we had all these good convos about whats best for jake with him and it was like ok. Rigjt. He didn't even know you guys wanted him out of the house til two days ago [8/14/2017 2:11:05 AM] girl: So [8/14/2017 2:11:34 AM] girl: And like not that his friends family isnt. Nice and not thaf i. Dont love them [8/14/2017 2:12:12 AM] girl: But um kind of interesting that u had one convo with the grandma who i know hardly speaks a lick of english and decided he could live there [8/14/2017 2:12:16 AM] girl: AND THEN [8/14/2017 2:12:20 AM] girl: And fucking then [8/14/2017 2:12:23 AM] girl: They were like [8/14/2017 2:13:00 AM] girl: I asked of they wanted him in oregon for summers assuming theyd say yeah bc they dont seem to want my brother anyway lol [8/14/2017 2:13:05 AM] girl: nd they were like no [8/14/2017 2:13:28 AM] girl: And the creepy dad was like Yeah I dont let my kids go out of state without an adult dont feel comfortable [8/14/2017 2:14:19 AM] girl: Like you cunt im his sister, you guys were strangers to him up until last fucking year, you dont want him, and ur sending him to live witg people who are complete strangers to you [8/14/2017 2:14:40 AM] girl: Like DIE Already, literally kill yourselves [8/14/2017 2:14:52 AM] girl: AND HES NOT YOUR KID YOU CREEP [8/14/2017 2:16:27 AM] girl: so that was really cool and i chewed him out on the phone a little bit not enough to get me in trouble but i know he knwos im mad (´ ∀ ` *). Ugly Fucking Bitch. Ugly fucking come down stairs half nude n try to council me while im crying on the couch creep ass bitch. Ugly Ask a 19 year old who dont know u while ur alone in ur car if she sexually active ass bitcg [8/14/2017 2:16:44 AM] girl: Keep a camera in ur living room to keep an eye on Ur Kids Ass Bitch [8/14/2017 2:16:58 AM] girl: anyway the entirety of my extended family is dead to me [8/14/2017 2:17:01 AM] girl: How are you [8/14/2017 2:17:32 AM] aj: I'm doing okay.  Reading all of that makes me wonder why more killings don't happen.  Not to jinx your blood relations or suggest anything to you. [8/14/2017 2:17:49 AM] aj: But that's exactly the sort of creepy that I wonder if it goes on a whole lot everywhere, you know? [8/14/2017 2:18:00 AM] girl: Yeah [8/14/2017 2:18:16 AM] aj: I also sort of just makes me wonder how many people have souls. [8/14/2017 2:18:30 AM] aj: and I generally don't like fielding that question. [8/14/2017 2:18:33 AM] aj: So yeah. [8/14/2017 2:19:39 AM] girl: Theyre disgusting lol... they also seem to be mad at me for making sure my dads 70+ year old sister doesn't embezzle from my sister and brother n mes dumb fucking Dead Daddy Dollars and got melissas mom on my ass abt it lel [8/14/2017 2:19:49 AM] girl: Beatles quote lady [8/14/2017 2:19:53 AM] girl: Its a lot [8/14/2017 2:20:10 AM] girl: Truly what i would call white devils [8/14/2017 2:20:17 AM] aj: Heh [8/14/2017 2:20:42 AM] aj: All the devils in my family died.  But boy did they fuck everything up until the bitter end. [8/14/2017 2:20:52 AM] girl: Poor baby [8/14/2017 2:21:05 AM] aj: Nah, you have it worse. [8/14/2017 2:21:22 AM] girl: You alwys seemed really stressed out about it [8/14/2017 2:21:33 AM] girl: Death Nd money makes people act totally insane [8/14/2017 2:21:39 AM] aj: Yeah. [8/14/2017 2:21:47 AM] aj: My mom, sister, and I get along really well. [8/14/2017 2:21:54 AM] aj: and since we're all that's left, we're good. [8/14/2017 2:22:01 AM] girl: I'm really happy for you [8/14/2017 2:22:31 AM] aj: But death and money are shit.  There's no end to the fuckery that stupid and dishonest people won't get up to in the name of death money. [8/14/2017 2:23:10 AM] girl: Me and my sister met last year and really started talking and I'm rly happy because its cool to have a sister and shes also 38 and still smoking hot so like that really bodes well for half of my genes [8/14/2017 2:23:33 AM] girl: Yeah holy fucking shit [8/14/2017 2:23:54 AM] girl: People are so disgusting about money and death and money [8/14/2017 2:24:03 AM] girl: as im finding the fuck out [8/14/2017 2:24:17 AM] aj: The thing that amazes me is... [8/14/2017 2:24:29 AM] aj: This will sound particularly weird. [8/14/2017 2:24:40 AM] aj: But, it amazes me how easy it is to die, and how fragile people are? [8/14/2017 2:24:53 AM] aj: Like, we talk about how resilient people are and survive all sorts of crazy things? [8/14/2017 2:25:14 AM] aj: Killing someone is fucking easy, from the standpoint of physics alone. [8/14/2017 2:25:22 AM] aj: Not to be an edgelord about it, either. [8/14/2017 2:25:43 AM] girl: Yeah. We're really complete nothings and people die from the flu and heat stroke all the time and biting someone elses flesh off is surprisingly not so hard [8/14/2017 2:25:59 AM] girl: but also: modern medicine [8/14/2017 2:26:05 AM] aj: Sure. [8/14/2017 2:26:43 AM] aj: For a time, our family had to take care of my grandmother. [8/14/2017 2:26:53 AM] aj: Who had Alzheimer's, and couldn't walk. [8/14/2017 2:27:04 AM] aj: Full nine yards.  Showers, diaper changing, feeding.  Moving around. [8/14/2017 2:27:06 AM] aj: All of it. [8/14/2017 2:27:22 AM] aj: I have been in war, and this was more emotionally and physically exhausting. [8/14/2017 2:27:51 AM] aj: I think part of it was that I really disliked her, which took an emotional toll, and that I already very quickly try to not feel if I sense emotion. [8/14/2017 2:27:59 AM] aj: Anyways. [8/14/2017 2:28:35 AM] aj: I say all of this because so many people are just cowards about it all.  They believe they're invincible while wishing for death payouts for others. [8/14/2017 2:28:44 AM] aj: They neither appreciate their own lives nor the lives of others. [8/14/2017 2:29:57 AM] girl: I'm a coward who wishes death upon others sometimes, but im a libra with two dead parents, so i know who deserves it >:) [8/14/2017 2:30:15 AM] aj: Leo/Virgo cusp. [8/14/2017 2:30:34 AM] aj: Well, depends on the chart. [8/14/2017 2:30:44 AM] aj: But it's close enough that I have both sides. [8/14/2017 2:30:51 AM] girl: Fuckinf leos [8/14/2017 2:30:54 AM] aj: and, you know, Gemini Ascendant. [8/14/2017 2:31:00 AM] girl: thats cute [8/14/2017 2:31:03 AM] aj: Pisces Moon, though. <3 [8/14/2017 2:31:40 AM] girl: Most boys i meet are extremely uninterested or pretend to be uninterested in astrology bc they're snotty and its fake [8/14/2017 2:31:53 AM] girl: but whooo cares bitch im a fucking libra [8/14/2017 2:32:01 AM] aj: I know my stuff because it makes tarot easier. [8/14/2017 2:32:17 AM] aj: Though, I never do stuff for myself, and since I was about to move, I have no idea where the fuck my cards are. [8/14/2017 2:32:21 AM] girl: thats so cute... [8/14/2017 2:32:39 AM] aj: and, in my case, at least my rising sign makes a lot of sense. [8/14/2017 2:33:20 AM] girl: i have doreen virtues guardian angel cards and i dont use them much but when i need randomized card picking to tell me something nice ill play withthem [8/14/2017 2:33:36 AM] aj: Cute [8/14/2017 2:33:42 AM] girl: theyre so pretty [8/14/2017 2:34:46 AM] girl: i met a lady on the bus And at tge library who is obsessed with them and angels and told me all kinds of thinhs abt her relationship with angels and the earth and her name was sherry but her fucking um angel name she said was SHERIEL god i loved her [8/14/2017 2:34:52 AM] girl: I LOVE crazy old people [8/14/2017 2:35:26 AM] aj: Maaaaaaaaaaaan, on one hand that's cute and harmless [8/14/2017 2:35:41 AM] aj: On the other hand, the angels in like, the Bible?  THEY ARE SCARY AS SHIT [8/14/2017 2:35:49 AM] aj: Whenever they appear to deliver a message [8/14/2017 2:35:54 AM] aj: the first thing they have to say? [8/14/2017 2:35:55 AM] aj: is like [8/14/2017 2:35:59 AM] aj: "DO NOT BE AFRAID" [8/14/2017 2:36:17 AM] aj: Because whomever the message is meant for is pissing themselves and on hands and knees like right fucking now [8/14/2017 2:36:39 AM] girl: LOL i know its so nuts. She was too sweet and told me she asked god for an angel but he sent her a cougar chaser instead and she said thats not the angel i want god bit thank you [8/14/2017 2:36:42 AM] aj: and hoping this crazy fiery being isn't about to unleash ten thousand levels of burny ancient godly wrath hurt on them [8/14/2017 2:36:48 AM] girl: loool Youre so cute [8/14/2017 2:37:08 AM] aj: I like a world where angels are scary as fuck. [8/14/2017 2:37:19 AM] aj: It appeals to my personal aesthetics. [8/14/2017 2:37:40 AM] girl: I always draw christian god as a cross between a big grub and a deformed big headed human baby [8/14/2017 2:38:07 AM] girl: ari too. He loves to read the bible for Fun [8/14/2017 2:38:17 AM] aj: White wings and tunics and harps and shitty daytime shows "I am an angel" stuff is fine for people who actually emotionally resonate with everything Hallmark has ever done. [8/14/2017 2:38:42 AM] aj: But I want like, Scary ass angels that convey how utterly terrifying God is if God uses them as his messenger bitches. [8/14/2017 2:39:16 AM] girl: pff [8/14/2017 2:39:18 AM] aj: it makes God more than something we talk to when we fuck up and feel bad about it and if you totes bail us out of this one, we'll repent [8/14/2017 2:39:43 AM] girl: i like to think of christian god as a pathetic worm [8/14/2017 2:40:31 AM] girl: also, do you just like tarot for fun or are you a con artist? [8/14/2017 2:40:43 AM] aj: I just don't really understand the difference between Old Testament God and New Testament God. [8/14/2017 2:40:49 AM] aj: Fun. [8/14/2017 2:40:59 AM] girl: Jew / not jew idk [8/14/2017 2:41:07 AM] aj: I don't really need cards to con people. [8/14/2017 2:41:12 AM] girl: Thats kind of cute [8/14/2017 2:41:20 AM] girl: Well, its a good way to con people [8/14/2017 2:41:22 AM] aj: I like the symbolism on them [8/14/2017 2:41:27 AM] aj: For instance! [8/14/2017 2:41:31 AM] aj: The Devil card. [8/14/2017 2:41:37 AM] aj: I have a Rider-Waite deck. [8/14/2017 2:41:56 AM] girl: im a virgo rising/capricorn moon which is honestly retarded i want to be a triple threat libra but whatever [8/14/2017 2:42:09 AM] aj: https://gfx.tarot.com/images/site/decks/rider/full_size/15.jpg [8/14/2017 2:42:24 AM] aj: So like, that thing.  Everyone is like "Ooooh, Devil, scary" [8/14/2017 2:42:30 AM] aj: I was looking at it one day and realized [8/14/2017 2:42:36 AM] aj: The chains around the man and woman? [8/14/2017 2:42:55 AM] aj: THE CHAINS AROUND THEIR NECKS ARE LOOSE ENOUGH FOR THEM TO SLIP THAT SHIT [8/14/2017 2:42:59 AM] aj: See? [8/14/2017 2:43:17 AM] aj: So like, the only reason they're stuck is because they're fucking stupid [8/14/2017 2:43:56 AM] girl: The Devil is the cheese card crust punks get tattooed on them same w death [8/14/2017 2:44:05 AM] aj: Right? [8/14/2017 2:44:08 AM] girl: But ari rly likes it. Cheese ass bitch [8/14/2017 2:44:24 AM] aj: Like, asshole, you wanna be edgy and metal, tattoo the four and ten of swords on you. [8/14/2017 2:44:31 AM] aj: Or Hanged Man, or The Tower. [8/14/2017 2:44:40 AM] aj: Death and The Devil are lame. [8/14/2017 2:45:02 AM] girl: I designed an empress tattoo w me as the empress and my cats in the foreground ... I wanted strength originally buyuUuuUt idk... [8/14/2017 2:45:16 AM] aj: Strength is weird. [8/14/2017 2:45:30 AM] girl: strength / star / moon / sun / wmoress are mt favorite cards [8/14/2017 2:45:37 AM] aj: One day I'll understand the symbolism better, but I don't get it right now. [8/14/2017 2:46:18 AM] girl: The tower is scary. LOL.. i want lisa frank n sanrio cards [8/14/2017 2:47:04 AM] aj: Magician, Emperor, Lovers, The World, High Priestess [8/14/2017 2:47:19 AM] aj: Are the ones I particularly like. [8/14/2017 2:47:29 AM] girl: cute... the fool too [8/14/2017 2:48:02 AM] girl: I feel like this is the most casually we've spoken in years [8/14/2017 2:48:27 AM] aj: I mean, this latest string of conversations has given me that feeling. [8/14/2017 2:48:31 AM] aj: But yeah. [8/14/2017 2:48:31 AM] girl: i feel happy about it. I hope it doesn't make me Bad to be [8/14/2017 2:48:32 AM] aj: Agreed. [8/14/2017 2:48:43 AM] aj: Nah.  I'm happy with it. [8/14/2017 2:48:54 AM] aj: I don't think it's bad.  It's probably better than a lot of other options. [8/14/2017 2:49:00 AM] girl: yeah [8/14/2017 2:49:43 AM] girl: I'm sorry I'm kind of weird and bad. And complicated [8/14/2017 2:50:57 AM] girl: I didnt think it still would or that it would matter [8/14/2017 2:52:04 AM] girl: but I'm really happy that you seem so relaxed, or like, i feel less worried, or something. I didnt realize too much i was worried [8/14/2017 2:52:28 AM] girl: but now that im less i know that i was [8/14/2017 2:53:47 AM] aj: Mm, I've had to let go of a lot of things.  I've had to be responsible for a lot of stuff, too.  A lot of the hate and resentment I had on things in my own life just sort of burned out. [8/14/2017 2:54:30 AM] aj: I realized that it doesn't take much for me to be happy with my life, and that made things pretty easy. [8/14/2017 2:55:20 AM] aj: Deep down, I think that I'm still a baby on a lot of things. [8/14/2017 2:55:34 AM] aj: I still bruise really easily. [8/14/2017 2:56:03 AM] aj: I think that's just my fate, though, so it's easier to just deal with that aspect of things. [8/14/2017 2:56:58 AM] girl: I think i can relate to that sort of, maybe not in the same way. [8/14/2017 2:58:07 AM] girl: Losing both of my parents made me realize just how little excitement i want or need in my life, and how much i would love to be a simple farm girl with two goats a dog my cats and a little basket of raspberries [8/14/2017 2:58:12 AM] girl: Chickens too [8/14/2017 2:59:03 AM] girl: It really... idk [8/14/2017 3:00:04 AM] girl: I'll probably always worry about you a little and theres all kinds of reasons for that, many of them being bc im a fucking crybaby freak with ablot of anxiety [8/14/2017 3:00:44 AM] girl: but even though i said to myself many times that i shouldnt i dot think im unhappy that i talked to you as much as i did [8/14/2017 3:01:32 AM] girl: it really eases me when you're around. i know its weird and crwzygirl of me [8/14/2017 3:02:22 AM] aj: Loss puts a lot in perspective.  We lost different things, but the refocusing and new perspectives are similar.  I get you. [8/14/2017 3:03:31 AM] aj: I'm relaxed around you, which is nice.  It's also why I'll talk with you more often.  For a long time I thought it was impossible to be relaxed around you, so this is a nice change. [8/14/2017 3:03:57 AM] aj: I'll always worry about you, because you had a shit hand dealt to you, and because whatever else you are, you're real with me. [8/14/2017 3:04:18 AM] aj: Even if it wasn't right, you gave something of yourself to me. [8/14/2017 3:04:46 AM] aj: and so I feel responsible for some degree with how things go for you.  Or at least concerned.  It's complicated. [8/14/2017 3:05:04 AM] girl: pats your face [8/14/2017 3:05:42 AM] girl: I'm a hot fucking mess [8/14/2017 3:06:52 AM] girl: I appreciate it [8/14/2017 3:08:32 AM] girl: i kindof knew my dad was gonna die so i put aside everything i felt about how he had been unkind to me for a lot of mt life and tried to make things good and right. Its not all good and right and i still have a dead dad but im glad I fixed what i could and im glad we talked about things and im glad he didnt leave thinking i hated him [8/14/2017 3:08:41 AM] girl: Its not the same with you [8/14/2017 3:08:58 AM] girl: Because youre not an angry 68 year old man [8/14/2017 3:09:14 AM] girl: and i dont want to kiss my dad like that and never have [8/14/2017 3:09:21 AM] girl: but [8/14/2017 3:10:06 AM] girl: i think because of who i am as A crybaby and as a Sad Traumatized girl im much happier this way than telling you to fuck off and never talking to you again [8/14/2017 3:10:31 AM] aj: I can understand that. [8/14/2017 3:11:01 AM] girl: Hashtag over sharing [8/14/2017 3:11:18 AM] aj: In my case... mmm... [8/14/2017 3:11:38 AM] aj: I've realized my emotional spectrum, and what impacts me and what doesn't [8/14/2017 3:11:49 AM] aj: is usually vastly different from most people I've met or encounter. [8/14/2017 3:12:07 AM] aj: Even being vulnerable, which still takes work. [8/14/2017 3:12:49 AM] aj: Being aware of this difference makes me feel lonely sometimes. [8/14/2017 3:13:11 AM] aj: So does being aware of how easily persuasion methods and other bullshit mental stuff work in shaping opinions of people. [8/14/2017 3:13:41 AM] aj: I did too much reading and looking in to things that isolated me, in a lot of ways.  I still have friends.  I'm still able to be happy. [8/14/2017 3:14:20 AM] aj: You were one of the last people I connected with, for better or worse, before my life got vastly more fucked up [8/14/2017 3:14:35 AM] aj: and before I learned to put into words and theories all of my discomforts and loneliness. [8/14/2017 3:14:57 AM] aj: You got a glimpse of that portion of me before I had it mapped out. [8/14/2017 3:16:38 AM] aj: and because of that, you have access to a part of me I can't even give anymore. [8/14/2017 3:18:40 AM] girl: I really missed you a lot. You were my favorite person on the planet for a really long time. Lol my fridge just started making noise and it made me scared [8/14/2017 3:18:46 AM] girl: um [8/14/2017 3:19:24 AM] girl: Idk. I know trauma bonding is real andthat im kind of fucked up and that all the healthy people in my life would look at me with judgement and worry [8/14/2017 3:20:02 AM] girl: but i feel really so much better sometimes knowing youre alright and that i can still talk to you [8/14/2017 3:20:10 AM] aj: The hardest truth I had to face was that all of my close bonds are trauma bonds.  All of my past relationships.  Family.  Navy. [8/14/2017 3:20:23 AM] aj: So, all of my conceptions of closeness are polluted with that. [8/14/2017 3:21:44 AM] aj: In the case of you.  I'm happy when things seem okay or looking good for you. [8/14/2017 3:21:47 AM] aj: You deserve that. [8/14/2017 3:23:06 AM] aj: I guess that's all there is to say, really. [8/14/2017 3:23:20 AM] aj: I gave you something I can't give anymore. [8/14/2017 3:23:31 AM] aj: I literally don't think that closeness is in me anymore. [8/14/2017 3:23:40 AM] aj: I can't feel it. [8/14/2017 3:25:59 AM] girl: I hope you end up okay and with people you love regardless, the only time i think I've Really understood at all the feeling of not being close to anyone was when i was like a suicidal hermit, so ive never really understood how functioning people can feel that way and it makes me worry [8/14/2017 3:26:37 AM] girl: It's unfair that trauma when you're little makes you gravitate towards it later on [8/14/2017 3:26:55 AM] girl: i wish that nothing sad or horrible ever happened to you [8/14/2017 3:27:12 AM] aj: I would have managed to somehow be even more of an asshole if that were the case. [8/14/2017 3:27:21 AM] aj: Or at least a lot less smart or wise. [8/14/2017 3:27:26 AM] girl: Hah [8/14/2017 3:27:39 AM] aj: So I can't say I resent my life. [8/14/2017 3:27:47 AM] girl: Who cares about being smart or wise. I want to be a stupid girl on a farm forever [8/14/2017 3:28:03 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 3:28:18 AM] girl: that makes me flustered [8/14/2017 3:29:07 AM] aj: You know how dogs are wonderful? [8/14/2017 3:29:16 AM] aj: They sit at your feet, and look at how you move? [8/14/2017 3:29:31 AM] aj: Every last motion you make, they're paying attention, trying to discern your desires. [8/14/2017 3:29:42 AM] aj: But they have fuzz for brains and they're goofy and cute [8/14/2017 3:29:46 AM] aj: but they try. [8/14/2017 3:29:52 AM] aj: But in the end, they're dogs. [8/14/2017 3:30:17 AM] girl: I want to be a dog [8/14/2017 3:30:33 AM] aj: I try to connect with people, but when I open up, some just get so impressed or fall under my spell or something. [8/14/2017 3:30:55 AM] aj: and then it feels like that, and it's hard to connect and feel it is meaningful. [8/14/2017 3:31:07 AM] aj: and this is with people that I feel like I could have a good closeness to. [8/14/2017 3:31:44 AM] aj: I don't want to be pleased.  I just want someone next to me.  A human. [8/14/2017 3:34:42 AM] girl: Maybe you have to be a dog too... but its hard to fawn over someone you dont feel fawnful for. I feel exceptionally loved and satisfied when people pay attention to my needs and remember things i like and say honest and nice things to me. So it's not very hard for me to feel like i love other people and am close to them, unless they are rude men, or woefully autistic in a way that clashes with my "ive been abused so my body deliberately makes it hardto tell if im uncomfortable unless youre looking for it" [8/14/2017 3:35:08 AM] girl: I don't know... [8/14/2017 3:35:58 AM] aj: Maybe.  I'll figure something out. [8/14/2017 3:36:06 AM] girl: it seems like telling people not to fawn you would just make them fawn you more, huh [8/14/2017 3:36:15 AM] aj: Usually. [8/14/2017 3:36:23 AM] aj: and saying it like that is rude. [8/14/2017 3:37:43 AM] girl: i dont relate to whatyou said about dogs. When i look at a dog in the eyes and lay on the floor and get licked in the face i become a dog too. Love for a dog transcends this garbage body [8/14/2017 3:38:01 AM] aj: I love actual dogs. [8/14/2017 3:38:06 AM] aj: Because they're actual dogs. [8/14/2017 3:38:26 AM] aj: But people who act that way, at best I already like them, and then it works okay. [8/14/2017 3:39:33 AM] girl: I'm trying to figure out whats different from how you are charming and how i am charming [8/14/2017 3:39:53 AM] girl: Because i feel like i know what you mean when you speak of dog people [8/14/2017 3:40:15 AM] girl: but I don't know why i can love dog people some and you can't love dog people some [8/14/2017 3:41:22 AM] girl: and i come with no shortage of charm, and it seems to me like you talk to me like ive learned to talk to other people, that is, you talk a lot about how you relate to things i say, which really seems to give folks a friendship boner [8/14/2017 3:41:27 AM] girl: for whatever reason [8/14/2017 3:41:38 AM] girl: But i dont know... [8/14/2017 3:42:28 AM] aj: For me, it's like. [8/14/2017 3:42:35 AM] aj: Maybe I'll pick a gesture [8/14/2017 3:42:38 AM] aj: and do that gesture. [8/14/2017 3:42:48 AM] aj: A week or two, and that person is also doing that gesture. [8/14/2017 3:42:56 AM] aj: Same with verbal tics. [8/14/2017 3:43:06 AM] aj: All little stuff.  We all take from each other. [8/14/2017 3:43:08 AM] aj: That's normal. [8/14/2017 3:43:29 AM] aj: But, it's when people feel I can understand them.  They ask advice, or my thoughts. [8/14/2017 3:43:42 AM] aj: and nowadays, I'm careful to just answer the questions they want answered. [8/14/2017 3:43:50 AM] aj: Rather than give opinions carte blanche [8/14/2017 3:43:58 AM] aj: Because it's less likely to generate the dog-response. [8/14/2017 3:45:05 AM] girl: Mmm... you seem to know what to say a lot of the times, in a way that is both not horrifically offensive or overly kiss ass-y [8/14/2017 3:45:16 AM] aj: Mostly that. [8/14/2017 3:45:54 AM] girl: Useful without being too blunt i think and kind without just giving me asspats. Lots of people give asspats and the internet will tell you most things you need to hear [8/14/2017 3:46:01 AM] girl: you're special at it [8/14/2017 3:46:23 AM] aj: For me, it's like... you know cracks or fault lines?  If I talk with someone for a short while, I can get a feeling of where the faults and cracks they have are. [8/14/2017 3:46:47 AM] aj: I had one person who was a friend of a friend just think not much of me [8/14/2017 3:46:59 AM] aj: Until I just made a few very specific observations about him. [8/14/2017 3:47:03 AM] aj: Deep-level stuff. [8/14/2017 3:47:16 AM] aj: and he realized that not only was I observing the entire time, but that he couldn't read me. [8/14/2017 3:47:31 AM] aj: Or that whatever faults I had, he couldn't generate leverage from. [8/14/2017 3:47:42 AM] aj: He felt powerless. [8/14/2017 3:50:06 AM] girl: Maybe dog like people want to understand you too? I don't know. It's flattering and uncomfortable all at once to be said something to like that... and also exciting a little i think. I think i can be a dog girl but it's kind of rare and I'm mostly a dog girl when i want to be adored and not when i want to connect or talk with people or be taken seriously [8/14/2017 3:50:18 AM] girl: Hard to get in the heads of dog people... [8/14/2017 3:50:59 AM] girl: Does he like you or hate you? [8/14/2017 3:51:05 AM] aj: Both. [8/14/2017 3:51:12 AM] girl: Hahahahahahahhaha [8/14/2017 3:51:19 AM] aj: Lots of how I am, how I read people, how laid back I am.  He likes that. [8/14/2017 3:51:28 AM] aj: He hates that he's so vulnerable around me. [8/14/2017 3:51:52 AM] aj: and that if I really felt like it, I could probably just say the right things that would crack him.  Mental stuff. [8/14/2017 3:51:59 AM] aj: Which is partially true. [8/14/2017 3:52:09 AM] aj: and, he also hates that he can't do that back to me. [8/14/2017 3:52:34 AM] girl: sounds like sexually tense gay erotica [8/14/2017 3:52:42 AM] aj: lmao [8/14/2017 3:53:00 AM] aj: Nah, I don't get that vibe off him. [8/14/2017 3:53:03 AM] girl: I would know cause i read (past tense) lots of that stuff [8/14/2017 3:53:43 AM] aj: But yeah, like, the biggest thing that makes it hard for me to be adored is that it's a lot of work. [8/14/2017 3:53:56 AM] aj: I feel responsible to be the person that people who adore me think I am. [8/14/2017 3:54:02 AM] aj: and that's a lot of bullshit to deal with. [8/14/2017 3:56:57 AM] girl: You can say that stuff, you know. In private mostly. You dony even have to say it to anybodys face, but i think you really do have yo be vulnerable there to be closer. And you have to do it voluntarily, because people who think youre cool don't know you're just a different kind of lame. I don't do it often with real dog people i dony like, like weeaboos who think im their token jap or loser girls who want me to be their daddy (though i will be their friend just not their daddy), but most people i like are worth knocking myself down a couple of pegs for and showing my horrible soft insides to [8/14/2017 3:57:12 AM] girl: I know your insides are less horrible and soft so your mileage may vary [8/14/2017 3:57:42 AM] girl: I don't think it has to be a feelings festival either if you don't want it to be [8/14/2017 3:57:47 AM] girl: but youre hard to read [8/14/2017 3:58:04 AM] girl: and sometimes you just have to tell people exactly what you want a few times [8/14/2017 3:58:28 AM] girl: I was very dog girl for you [8/14/2017 3:58:45 AM] aj: See,  but I was also dog for you. [8/14/2017 3:58:51 AM] aj: I'm fine if it's mutual dog. [8/14/2017 3:59:26 AM] girl: be dog for other people you like sometimes maybe [8/14/2017 3:59:32 AM] girl: hah [8/14/2017 3:59:44 AM] aj: Haven't felt it.  So, yeah. [8/14/2017 4:00:06 AM] girl: i wish i had known that you know,  or that i was the kind of person to take advantage of it... should have been much brattier [8/14/2017 4:00:35 AM] aj: See, even when I'm honest with my feelings, people think there's more. [8/14/2017 4:00:41 AM] aj: Or that I'm complicated. [8/14/2017 4:00:55 AM] aj: I am super simple. [8/14/2017 4:01:00 AM] girl: i dont know what made me want to have friends again. I think i just faked it til i maked it. Idk what would work for you. [8/14/2017 4:01:04 AM] girl: Not true [8/14/2017 4:01:05 AM] aj: Which is probably why I am hard to figure out. [8/14/2017 4:02:02 AM] girl: You're a lot less needy and outwardly selfish than most people which is honestly very complicated and doesnt make a lot of sense to me. Most people are much brattier including me [8/14/2017 4:03:10 AM] girl: Maybe its not that you're complicated but that you make other people feel complicated?... like you're just weird and puzzling and strange [8/14/2017 4:03:29 AM] girl: you're definitely not as impulsive as most people [8/14/2017 4:04:35 AM] girl: Weird weird weird... [8/14/2017 4:04:53 AM] aj: From my perspective, it feels like many people needlessly complicate their lives. [8/14/2017 4:04:58 AM] aj: I might point out something small. [8/14/2017 4:05:05 AM] aj: and they look at me like I'm an alien. [8/14/2017 4:05:16 AM] aj: But then they think about it and figure there's something to what I said. [8/14/2017 4:07:25 AM] aj: I remember one time I spent about a half hour talking about hummingbirds with a girl I had no interest in.  But this was like, the first time she had had a talk with someone that wasn't stupid or just a conversation to get something from her. [8/14/2017 4:08:00 AM] aj: She was just the first person I ran into that I sorta knew, and there were some cool hummingbirds where I was reading before I left that spot. [8/14/2017 4:08:27 AM] aj: and for like, a solid two weeks, she puppy-dog followed me. [8/14/2017 4:11:14 AM] girl: It's nice to talk like that I think... I don't know. Sometimes you come across as very selfless or very unconcerned with things that don't fucking matter. Caring about things that dont fucking matter is a very annoying and stressful quality a lot of people seem to have that you seldom exhibit [8/14/2017 4:11:23 AM] girl: its refreshing i guess [8/14/2017 4:11:35 AM] girl: im not sucking your dick when i say youre special [8/14/2017 4:11:44 AM] aj: I know. [8/14/2017 4:11:56 AM] aj: The sexual tension between us is different when you're being a tease. [8/14/2017 4:12:09 AM] girl: dont point it out [8/14/2017 4:12:15 AM] girl: that's embarrassing [8/14/2017 4:12:45 AM] aj: Sometimes I like it.  It's complicated.  Anyways. [8/14/2017 4:12:57 AM] girl: idiot [8/14/2017 4:13:16 AM] aj: See? [8/14/2017 4:13:20 AM] aj: It's that tension, right there. [8/14/2017 4:13:40 AM] girl: Yes aj i know about it [8/14/2017 4:14:03 AM] aj: I have the smuggest smirk I can manage. [8/14/2017 4:14:12 AM] girl: Shut the fuck up oh my god [8/14/2017 4:14:37 AM] aj: I appreciate your observations.  I guess that's something I forget. [8/14/2017 4:14:55 AM] aj: A lot of shit doesn't matter to me.  Caring about it takes a lot of energy, and I'm lazy. [8/14/2017 4:15:04 AM] aj: and besides, why bother?  It leads nowhere. [8/14/2017 4:15:14 AM] girl: It's still refreshing [8/14/2017 4:15:53 AM] girl: I think a lot of people need someone who feels like things are ultimately going to be okay with everything and that nothing matters and that its okay to do what the fuck ever [8/14/2017 4:18:08 AM] girl: I might be projecting a bit here or even just bragging but honestly people love me when i am very open and accepting of self serving and slothful behavior instead of lying and saying no one is self serving or slothful and i think people like that a lot because lots of people lie and pretend to be all sorts of fake things they arent and that it would be pointless to be [8/14/2017 4:18:23 AM] girl: Not that it has much to do with the conversation you had with that girl [8/14/2017 4:19:31 AM] girl: But you're relaxing and comforting sometimes in how much you seem pretty much fine with most things that you cant change [8/14/2017 4:20:04 AM] girl: i know im making only half sense but I hope its enough to get across what im saying [8/14/2017 4:20:11 AM] aj: I mean, I have lots of opinions on things, but like, I'm just one person.  I know how temporary things are.  I get you. [8/14/2017 4:20:15 AM] girl: Its 420 dude [8/14/2017 4:20:19 AM] aj: In your case, you're very accepting. [8/14/2017 4:20:27 AM] girl: hits the bong [8/14/2017 4:20:31 AM] aj: Enabling, probably. [8/14/2017 4:20:39 AM] girl: Absolutely [8/14/2017 4:20:42 AM] aj: But I think what people like is that you mean well. [8/14/2017 4:20:58 AM] aj: Even if you're being a self-serving and spoiled princess about it. [8/14/2017 4:21:03 AM] aj: You mean well. [8/14/2017 4:21:08 AM] girl: im a total peace of shit and i encourage pos behavior in others [8/14/2017 4:21:14 AM] girl: Yes i am a princess [8/14/2017 4:21:21 AM] girl: Thank you for noticing [8/14/2017 4:21:50 AM] aj: You act like I don't just playfully deny it because telling you I honestly think you're a princess would fluster you. [8/14/2017 4:22:06 AM] aj: I do both of us favors. [8/14/2017 4:22:25 AM] girl: It would not [8/14/2017 4:22:39 AM] aj: Took you long enough. [8/14/2017 4:22:47 AM] girl: Shut up? [8/14/2017 4:22:53 AM] girl: Die? [8/14/2017 4:22:58 AM] aj: Okay, princess~ [8/14/2017 4:23:05 AM] girl: OKAY [8/14/2017 4:23:12 AM] girl: fair ENOUGH [8/14/2017 4:24:10 AM] aj: I'm glad you're seeing how difficult my position is. [8/14/2017 4:24:15 AM] girl: Fucking flirt [8/14/2017 4:24:37 AM] aj: Just being honest. [8/14/2017 4:24:42 AM] girl: right [8/14/2017 4:26:01 AM] girl: You even did it just now, I mean, say something about how selfish and bratty i am but somehow make me not feel so bad about it at all because it doesnt feel like you care or think its horrible of me [8/14/2017 4:26:12 AM] girl: i think most people cant pull that off [8/14/2017 4:26:34 AM] girl: It's impressive i think [8/14/2017 4:26:54 AM] aj: People overcomplicate simple shit, and then fail to recognize the actual complicated parts. [8/14/2017 4:27:29 AM] aj: You love being spoiled.  Even if it's bad for you.  So you're accepting of others, even if they might need something stern said to them.  You love how you want to be loved. [8/14/2017 4:27:50 AM] aj: The important thing to focus on is that you do honestly care. [8/14/2017 4:28:02 AM] aj: Nobody's an angel.  You demand to be called princess, not angel. [8/14/2017 4:28:10 AM] aj: and besides, angels are scary fucks. [8/14/2017 4:28:42 AM] girl: Too many eyes [8/14/2017 4:28:49 AM] aj: and really, with how stupid and judgemental-over-the-wrong-things people are [8/14/2017 4:28:57 AM] aj: being overly accepting isn't so bad [8/14/2017 4:29:22 AM] girl: I like talking to you like this when i hate myself less than i did a few years ago. [8/14/2017 4:29:27 AM] girl: A lot [8/14/2017 4:29:43 AM] girl: I'm still having a pretty good time but im so much less stressed out [8/14/2017 4:30:08 AM] girl: I mean im always at a baseline of "at least a little stressed out" [8/14/2017 4:30:33 AM] girl: but its so different on my end, and the same too, but different [8/14/2017 4:31:28 AM] girl: I think being overly accepting is what makes me less afraid of people and more willing to help others and gets me into lots of situations where i sit down and talk to people and hear things i wouldnt hear if they were scared id judge them [8/14/2017 4:32:20 AM] girl: I judge them anyway but not where they can hear me lol. Bc i think gossip is healthy and helps process things [8/14/2017 4:33:55 AM] girl: And I think fighting people who are on your side is stupid [8/14/2017 4:35:34 AM] aj: Hmm.  Yeah, I can see that working, especially for you.  I think people find you to be good to vent to. [8/14/2017 4:35:47 AM] girl: I'm still probably dog girl for you but I'm not so scared of everything or that youll hate me for some stupid reason or anything . Makes me feel Happier [8/14/2017 4:35:56 AM] aj: Even I feel comfortable sharing with you.  History and tension notwithstanding. [8/14/2017 4:36:13 AM] girl: Hahahahha [8/14/2017 4:36:44 AM] girl: It's special to be shared with [8/14/2017 4:37:02 AM] girl: Usually i try to treat it like treasures someone handed me [8/14/2017 4:38:41 AM] girl: “They’re like baseball bats,” said David Gombas, vice president of the Center for Development of Research Policy and New Technologies at the National Food Processors Association (they could really use a shorter name). “But once [the carrots] go through the cooking process, they come out looking like the small young ones that you'd put into your soup.” [8/14/2017 4:38:49 AM] girl: i clickbait [8/14/2017 4:38:59 AM] girl: Enormous carrots [8/14/2017 4:39:08 AM] girl: Like baseball bats he says [8/14/2017 4:39:22 AM] aj: I didn't know you stayed flustered for so long. [8/14/2017 4:41:18 AM] girl: shut up [8/14/2017 4:41:26 AM] girl: what is yhat even supposed to mean [8/14/2017 4:41:57 AM] girl: i hate you [8/14/2017 4:42:10 AM] aj: Mhm. [8/14/2017 4:42:18 AM] girl: dont fucking mhm me [8/14/2017 4:42:33 AM] aj: I was agreeing with you. [8/14/2017 4:42:39 AM] aj: You like when I do that, remember? [8/14/2017 4:42:54 AM] girl: You're suhc a FUCKER [8/14/2017 4:43:10 AM] girl: youre the worst. youre the absolute worst [8/14/2017 4:43:19 AM] aj: Mhm. [8/14/2017 4:43:32 AM] girl: How could you even fucking say im a tease when youre like THIS [8/14/2017 4:43:50 AM] girl: like [8/14/2017 4:44:01 AM] girl: Excuse you???? [8/14/2017 4:44:24 AM] aj: Did you want an answer? [8/14/2017 4:44:32 AM] girl: Yes!!! [8/14/2017 4:44:41 AM] aj: Because you are a tease. [8/14/2017 4:44:51 AM] aj: That's how I can say it. [8/14/2017 4:45:43 AM] girl: Okay well thats retarded of you and no im not [8/14/2017 4:46:09 AM] girl: I like, hardly flirt, like honestly just a smallest bit, I'm honestly not nearly as bad as you [8/14/2017 4:46:44 AM] girl: honestly im good and do good, honestly, i deserve awards for it [8/14/2017 4:46:58 AM] aj: You sure do, princess. [8/14/2017 4:47:45 AM] girl: Oh my god [8/14/2017 4:47:51 AM] girl: Aj!!! [8/14/2017 4:48:02 AM] aj: Hm? [8/14/2017 4:48:09 AM] aj: What's wrong? [8/14/2017 4:48:49 AM] girl: That's not funny!! You know i think you're you know fucking WHAT and its not nice to tease me even if i am cute [8/14/2017 4:49:28 AM] girl: I do my best every day and i do NOT tease you [8/14/2017 4:49:42 AM] girl: I'm Professional [8/14/2017 4:49:55 AM] aj: Uh huh. [8/14/2017 4:50:19 AM] girl: Oh my god [8/14/2017 4:50:22 AM] aj: More seriously, I have to walk a lot of lines you don't. [8/14/2017 4:50:54 AM] aj: and besides, you're having fun. [8/14/2017 4:51:20 AM] girl: Of course i am, but that doesn't mean you're not mean and horrible [8/14/2017 4:51:42 AM] aj: Me being mean and horrible was never in question.  Of course I'm mean and horrible. [8/14/2017 4:51:50 AM] aj: I thought we went over that. [8/14/2017 4:51:50 AM] girl: like honestly if you don't think I'm struggling you truly are not paying any attention [8/14/2017 4:52:21 AM] girl: i thought. I was doing. A good job [8/14/2017 4:52:40 AM] aj: You were, which is why I gave you some things you like. [8/14/2017 4:52:44 AM] aj: Like calling you Princess. [8/14/2017 4:53:04 AM] aj: You're the one calling me a tease and stuff, and I feel so attacked. [8/14/2017 4:53:30 AM] aj: You beg to be spoiled, and when I actually do it, I get this. [8/14/2017 4:53:35 AM] girl: You are a fycking tease and you called me it first [8/14/2017 4:53:42 AM] girl: I didnt beg for anything! [8/14/2017 4:54:12 AM] aj: and, of course I did [8/14/2017 4:54:18 AM] aj: Because you are one. [8/14/2017 4:54:35 AM] aj: You're overcomplicating this. [8/14/2017 4:54:36 AM] girl: How!!! [8/14/2017 4:55:17 AM] girl: Excuse me I'm not good at simplifying my attraction to you [8/14/2017 4:55:28 AM] girl: myyyy damnnn badddd 9____9 [8/14/2017 4:55:31 AM] aj: That's fair. [8/14/2017 4:55:38 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 4:55:53 AM] girl: Don't headpat me [8/14/2017 4:56:07 AM] aj: Just now, or never again? [8/14/2017 4:56:07 AM] girl: you deserve scorn and cold shoulders [8/14/2017 4:56:18 AM] girl: id be sad if you never did it again [8/14/2017 4:56:22 AM] girl: so [8/14/2017 4:56:33 AM] aj: Oh, okay then. [8/14/2017 4:56:36 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 4:56:41 AM] aj: I don't want you to be sad. [8/14/2017 4:57:05 AM] girl: and you made me say it [8/14/2017 4:57:11 AM] girl: which is really rude [8/14/2017 4:57:51 AM] girl: put, my elephant, back in the closet, where she belongs [8/14/2017 4:58:57 AM] aj: See, I have to balance all sorts of different considerations. [8/14/2017 4:59:06 AM] aj: Whenever I give you what you want. [8/14/2017 4:59:21 AM] girl: What do you mean? [8/14/2017 4:59:46 AM] aj: I can't spoil you without this sort of conversation happening. [8/14/2017 4:59:55 AM] aj: But if I don't spoil you, you also get pouty. [8/14/2017 5:00:05 AM] girl: I don't get pouty [8/14/2017 5:00:37 AM] aj: At the very minimum, whenever you demand to be spoiled, and I don't [8/14/2017 5:00:41 AM] aj: you then press for it more. [8/14/2017 5:00:59 AM] girl: I wasn't doing that just now, was i? [8/14/2017 5:01:35 AM] girl: also, it's my nature and I can't help that i need to be spoiled all the time [8/14/2017 5:01:53 AM] girl: I'm a very rotten girl [8/14/2017 5:02:36 AM] aj: I like how you shift from "I didn't ask for it this time" to "Even when I do ask for it, it's just my nature, don't judge me." [8/14/2017 5:02:52 AM] aj: I don't mind you wanting to be spoiled a lot. [8/14/2017 5:03:03 AM] aj: You do it in a cute way. [8/14/2017 5:03:15 AM] girl: God [8/14/2017 5:03:34 AM] girl: You're making me blush lol cool [8/14/2017 5:04:12 AM] aj: Really, all that shift tells me is that you just constantly want to be spoiled. [8/14/2017 5:04:15 AM] aj: Even when not asking for it. [8/14/2017 5:04:18 AM] aj: Which means. [8/14/2017 5:04:31 AM] aj: Where's the problem when I spoil you, even if you don't ask for it? [8/14/2017 5:04:55 AM] girl: I guess there isn't a fuckening problem [8/14/2017 5:05:11 AM] aj: See?  I told you there was no problem. [8/14/2017 5:05:11 AM] girl: But you can't spoil me just cause you pity me [8/14/2017 5:06:00 AM] girl: I don't want to be spoiled if your heart doesn't think I'm cute and deserving of being spoiled [8/14/2017 5:06:16 AM] aj: I think you're cute. [8/14/2017 5:06:26 AM] aj: That's what you really wanted to know, wasn't it? [8/14/2017 5:06:39 AM] aj: I could get away with an "I don't pity you" [8/14/2017 5:06:47 AM] aj: But you really wanted to know if I thought you were cute [8/14/2017 5:06:50 AM] aj: So, there. [8/14/2017 5:07:10 AM] girl: You could, but I'll give you brownie points for the other thing [8/14/2017 5:07:32 AM] girl: You're really ruthless [8/14/2017 5:09:10 AM] girl: But I'm serious when i say I don't want you to spoil me if your hearts not in it, I'd be disappointed, but I'd rather feel disappointed than stupid for liking half assed spoilings so much [8/14/2017 5:09:33 AM] girl: See? Im dog [8/14/2017 5:09:55 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 5:10:38 AM] aj: These are top-tier spoilings. [8/14/2017 5:10:45 AM] girl: Hah [8/14/2017 5:10:50 AM] girl: Cute [8/14/2017 5:11:22 AM] aj: So. [8/14/2017 5:11:29 AM] aj: You have no reason to feel disappointment. [8/14/2017 5:11:51 AM] girl: Ahhh, im such a sucker for you, you know that? [8/14/2017 5:12:27 AM] aj: When you would continuously say you wish we didn't have a fucked up past because you wonder how we'd be like, I sort of got the hint. [8/14/2017 5:12:47 AM] girl: Lol how embarrassing of me [8/14/2017 5:14:18 AM] girl: On one hand im surprised how easily ive been suckered into feeling so smitten again but [8/14/2017 5:14:44 AM] girl: on the other hand i know i just shove that one down as hard as i can most times which isn't very hard evidently [8/14/2017 5:15:02 AM] girl:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im just a little freak [8/14/2017 5:15:12 AM] aj: Incidentally, you saying things like that is what makes you a tease. [8/14/2017 5:15:25 AM] girl: It helps me not to implode [8/14/2017 5:15:35 AM] aj: I get it [8/14/2017 5:15:40 AM] girl: I could be doing worse [8/14/2017 5:15:57 AM] girl: But I'm nicer than you most times [8/14/2017 5:16:18 AM] aj: You seem to think that what you do doesn't have an impact on me. [8/14/2017 5:16:31 AM] aj: I'm just better at not showing it. [8/14/2017 5:16:46 AM] aj: You're just as bad as me. [8/14/2017 5:16:55 AM] girl: I feel a little smug if thatsbyou admitting youre flustered [8/14/2017 5:17:09 AM] girl: am not [8/14/2017 5:17:19 AM] girl: I so am not as bad as you [8/14/2017 5:17:20 AM] aj: Did I not tell you the dog thing was mutual? [8/14/2017 5:17:23 AM] aj: I think I did. [8/14/2017 5:17:38 AM] girl: Idiot [8/14/2017 5:18:14 AM] girl: I'm really not good at hiding it, then, huh [8/14/2017 5:18:24 AM] aj: Not at all. [8/14/2017 5:18:39 AM] girl: Thats [8/14/2017 5:18:42 AM] girl: Embarrassing [8/14/2017 5:18:56 AM] aj: I try to not mention it or call you on it most times, for that reason. [8/14/2017 5:19:05 AM] aj: That's what I mean by walking the lines I walk. [8/14/2017 5:19:14 AM] girl: I know [8/14/2017 5:19:24 AM] girl: I'm sorry i tease you, then [8/14/2017 5:19:42 AM] aj: Did I ever say I hated it? [8/14/2017 5:19:50 AM] girl: god [8/14/2017 5:19:55 AM] girl: You're getting me like [8/14/2017 5:20:00 AM] girl: Pretty fucking consistently [8/14/2017 5:21:33 AM] girl: I really try and keep it under wraps, i promise, so [8/14/2017 5:22:01 AM] girl: telling me stuff like you don't hate it is like [8/14/2017 5:22:06 AM] girl: Severely tempting [8/14/2017 5:22:20 AM] girl: I don't have as much self control as you [8/14/2017 5:22:42 AM] girl: and im impulsive and gluttonous for attention, especially yours [8/14/2017 5:23:23 AM] aj: I get you. [8/14/2017 5:23:38 AM] aj: It's why, for the most part, I just pretend not to notice. [8/14/2017 5:24:40 AM] girl: Do i do it a lot? [8/14/2017 5:25:28 AM] aj: Hmm.  So, while I might tease you consistently, I don't say the things that you do.  The difference is that you get attention and some affection from me. [8/14/2017 5:26:10 AM] aj: But when you tease, it's you flirting with ideas of an "us", you know?  Or you're more overtly sexual. [8/14/2017 5:27:01 AM] aj: Different in magnitude. [8/14/2017 5:27:05 AM] girl: It's not to be mean, m sorry if it feels like it [8/14/2017 5:27:14 AM] aj: I know you're not being mean. [8/14/2017 5:27:19 AM] aj: I know it's a self control thing. [8/14/2017 5:27:42 AM] girl: I genuinely have a hard time wrapping my head around not liking you the way i do and just figure ill die like this and itll be chill [8/14/2017 5:28:05 AM] aj: I like being relaxed around you and talking with you. [8/14/2017 5:28:34 AM] aj: When I tease, it's in fun and because I'm relaxed around you. [8/14/2017 5:28:44 AM] aj: and also because you set yourself up for it, really. [8/14/2017 5:28:53 AM] girl: Whoops [8/14/2017 5:29:53 AM] girl: I've always had a really hard time letting people go and letting people go when i love/d them romantically. [8/14/2017 5:30:17 AM] girl: And it kind of just is normal for me [8/14/2017 5:30:37 AM] girl: But it makes me happy you feel comfortable [8/14/2017 5:31:09 AM] girl: I'll probably be an Old Bitch and still think you're kind of hot [8/14/2017 5:31:41 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 5:32:08 AM] aj: I don't mind it, but I view it as probably a healthier outlet than you repressing it. [8/14/2017 5:32:25 AM] aj: and I can handle you doing what you do without you needing to worry that I'll lose self-control. [8/14/2017 5:32:33 AM] girl: You think so? [8/14/2017 5:32:51 AM] aj: Yes. [8/14/2017 5:33:01 AM] girl: I try to be good anyway [8/14/2017 5:33:08 AM] aj: I don't want to fuck your life up any more than I already have. [8/14/2017 5:33:16 AM] aj: So, that's a very strong conviction. [8/14/2017 5:33:50 AM] girl: Pats your faceb [8/14/2017 5:34:12 AM] girl: I'm sorry I still feel this way [8/14/2017 5:34:21 AM] girl: I'm like a little leech girl [8/14/2017 5:34:34 AM] aj: You're not the only one in my life who does it? [8/14/2017 5:34:40 AM] aj: and you're more honest than the other one. [8/14/2017 5:34:58 AM] aj: The other one will bring up the past here or there, or throw <3 emotes seriously. [8/14/2017 5:35:08 AM] aj: But would fucking deny it if I called her on it. [8/14/2017 5:35:11 AM] aj: You're honest. [8/14/2017 5:35:17 AM] aj: I can respect you. [8/14/2017 5:35:24 AM] aj: You don't play games. [8/14/2017 5:36:18 AM] girl: Not sure if that makes me a little jealous or just embarrassed for myself because i throw <3 emotes at you or concerned about my thoughts [8/14/2017 5:36:38 AM] aj: You'll fess up when I call you on it. [8/14/2017 5:36:43 AM] aj: That makes all the difference. [8/14/2017 5:36:52 AM] girl: What's the point if you caught me? [8/14/2017 5:36:53 AM] aj: I don't care how bad you are, so long as you own it. [8/14/2017 5:37:03 AM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 5:37:18 AM] girl: You sure you don't just pity me? [8/14/2017 5:37:27 AM] girl: I really hate embarrassing myself [8/14/2017 5:37:35 AM] aj: You're cute. [8/14/2017 5:37:36 AM] girl: so im double checking [8/14/2017 5:37:47 AM] aj: I like talking with you. [8/14/2017 5:38:21 AM] girl: I like talking with you [8/14/2017 5:38:39 AM] girl: You can't say stuff like you don't care how bad i am [8/14/2017 5:38:51 AM] girl: this is pansy shit aj [8/14/2017 5:38:57 AM] girl: I'm fucking terrible [8/14/2017 5:39:08 AM] aj: Yeah, and when you annoy me, I'll tell you. [8/14/2017 5:39:18 AM] aj: But then you stop being annoying and we're cool. [8/14/2017 5:39:30 AM] aj: There's no need for me to hold some sort of grudge over it. [8/14/2017 5:39:40 AM] girl: It would scald me to be called annoying [8/14/2017 5:39:53 AM] girl: I probably would brood over it for weeks [8/14/2017 5:40:37 AM] girl: But the threat of being called annoying has straightened me out. Locked that shit back up right Quick. [8/14/2017 5:40:52 AM] aj: So, look.  I've read stuff written by people who are Saints.  I've read shit from terrible people.  Everyone's human.  Even on your best day, you are probably not as good as the saints, or as bad as those terrible people. [8/14/2017 5:41:16 AM] aj: So no matter how bad you are, I don't care.  It won't be something that registers with me. [8/14/2017 5:41:23 AM] aj: Just so long as you know what you are. [8/14/2017 5:41:31 AM] girl: Idiot [8/14/2017 5:41:49 AM] aj: If you deny it and you're denying it because you've tricked yourself into thinking you're not capable of saint things or terrible things, then I dislike that. [8/14/2017 5:42:03 AM] aj: If you deny it because it's embarrassing, I'll play along. [8/14/2017 5:42:08 AM] aj: Most times. [8/14/2017 5:42:14 AM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 5:42:26 AM] aj: but I can spot the difference, usually. [8/14/2017 5:42:32 AM] girl: you're kind, in a twisted sort of way [8/14/2017 5:43:16 AM] girl: you manage to pluck out things about me I'm not always paying attention to [8/14/2017 5:43:47 AM] girl: its neat to look at things like that even when I feel weirdly exposed [8/14/2017 5:44:12 AM] aj: This is how I handle most everyone. [8/14/2017 5:44:29 AM] aj: It's why people get spooked by me, but also why I get dog people a lot. [8/14/2017 5:44:39 AM] girl: Woof woof [8/14/2017 5:45:49 AM] girl: I just thought about that dream i had about you [8/14/2017 5:46:10 AM] girl: where you worked in the back of some asian fusion restaurant as a cook or something [8/14/2017 5:46:26 AM] girl: and one of my friends kept calling you a womans name [8/14/2017 5:47:08 AM] aj: (It better have been a fucking A+ Cute name.) [8/14/2017 5:47:14 AM] girl: Oh and aja drom rupauls drag race fucking blew you up!! Thats scary. Why did he do it... [8/14/2017 5:47:17 AM] girl: Ashley lol [8/14/2017 5:47:24 AM] aj: That's a slut name. [8/14/2017 5:47:29 AM] aj: Fuck that dream. [8/14/2017 5:47:33 AM] girl: cause youre a slut i guess [8/14/2017 5:47:42 AM] girl: ;( [8/14/2017 5:47:53 AM] aj: Yeah, but like [8/14/2017 5:48:00 AM] aj: Ashley is the slut everyone knows is a slut. [8/14/2017 5:48:06 AM] girl: "Yea but like" uh huh [8/14/2017 5:48:08 AM] aj: Because of the name. [8/14/2017 5:48:13 AM] girl: Uh huh [8/14/2017 5:48:17 AM] girl: right [8/14/2017 5:48:26 AM] aj: My replies don't work on me like they do on you. [8/14/2017 5:48:53 AM] aj: I'll be merciless with you, I'm warning you. [8/14/2017 5:48:54 AM] girl: You got blown up by a drag queen who was eliminated in the second episode and youre worried about your dumb name [8/14/2017 5:49:03 AM] girl: oh no [8/14/2017 5:49:04 AM] aj: Of course I am. [8/14/2017 5:49:10 AM] aj: The rest is stupid. [8/14/2017 5:49:12 AM] girl: He's going to be merciless with me [8/14/2017 5:49:23 AM] aj: Bark for me, Princess. [8/14/2017 5:49:37 AM] girl: OKAY DAMN OKA [8/14/2017 5:50:10 AM] girl: OKAY! Lol! Thats chill. Haha. Fuck. Okay [8/14/2017 5:50:24 AM] aj: I'm glad we understand each other, now. [8/14/2017 5:50:36 AM] girl: ........ [8/14/2017 5:51:05 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) [8/14/2017 5:51:09 AM] girl: You know [8/14/2017 5:51:14 AM] girl: I'm not that petty [8/14/2017 5:51:38 AM] girl: You can have it aj. You. Can fucken. Have it. I Mmm not gonna stoop to your level. [8/14/2017 5:51:43 AM] girl: probably [8/14/2017 5:52:29 AM] aj: Honestly, I think it's more that you're worried your best won't work on me, but sure.  We can go with this story. [8/14/2017 5:52:38 AM] girl: Lol [8/14/2017 5:52:46 AM] girl: Is that what yoy think [8/14/2017 5:52:54 AM] girl: Is that really what you think [8/14/2017 5:52:57 AM] aj: I said it. [8/14/2017 5:53:04 AM] girl: Thats really. Really. Cute! Thats really cute [8/14/2017 5:53:09 AM] girl: Thats hilarious [8/14/2017 5:53:38 AM] girl: The devil is tempting me and I'm holding my head up high and saying no, satan, I'm not gonna play your games today [8/14/2017 5:53:52 AM] girl: But, good god, almighty [8/14/2017 5:54:03 AM] girl: I am being tempted and tested [8/14/2017 5:54:41 AM] aj: That's a lot of lines for a narrative we both know doesn't hold up. [8/14/2017 5:54:44 AM] aj: But, again, sure. [8/14/2017 5:55:02 AM] girl: :))))) [8/14/2017 5:55:24 AM] girl: Don't push it boy [8/14/2017 5:55:56 AM] aj: I'm still waiting on that "woof". [8/14/2017 5:56:17 AM] girl: Youre a demon [8/14/2017 5:56:35 AM] aj: You should be happy about that.  It means I play by a set of rules. [8/14/2017 5:57:47 AM] girl: Do you have any idea how attracted to you i am? Do you have any clue even at all? I like honestly am so good and its so fucking mean to play into shit you remember i fucking like like fuck off thats so mean holy shit like [8/14/2017 5:57:54 AM] girl: Thats downright cruel [8/14/2017 5:58:02 AM] girl: And you know what!!! [8/14/2017 5:58:36 AM] girl: I'm probably going to get off to it later. :))). So there. [8/14/2017 5:58:48 AM] aj: I was hoping the next line was "woof". [8/14/2017 5:58:54 AM] girl: (((:. You have thrown me into hell. [8/14/2017 5:58:55 AM] aj: That would have been great. [8/14/2017 5:59:05 AM] aj: You missed out on like, the best stinger to that. [8/14/2017 5:59:22 AM] girl: :))). [8/14/2017 5:59:32 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 5:59:44 AM] girl: Eat shit, and die [8/14/2017 6:00:08 AM] aj: See, you never can just let things go [8/14/2017 6:00:19 AM] aj: That's your problem. [8/14/2017 6:00:26 AM] aj: Because you do that, and then I have to escalate. [8/14/2017 6:00:33 AM] girl: Right [8/14/2017 6:00:43 AM] girl: My fault [8/14/2017 6:01:14 AM] girl: You told me to Bark for you [8/14/2017 6:01:28 AM] aj: I warned you. [8/14/2017 6:01:34 AM] aj: Beforehand. [8/14/2017 6:01:46 AM] girl: it was cruel of you [8/14/2017 6:02:00 AM] aj: You should take my warnings, then. [8/14/2017 6:03:42 AM] girl: Nope. Just gonna keep adding to me repertoire of Erotic Jack Off Fodder. Thats on you babe. Honestly? Thats your fault. You told me to fucking bark for you and im just gonna take that one   [8/14/2017 6:03:54 AM] girl: Like its mine now, sorry. [8/14/2017 6:03:58 AM] aj: Cool. [8/14/2017 6:04:19 AM] girl: 🙄 [8/14/2017 6:04:23 AM] aj: It's sort of incomplete. [8/14/2017 6:04:31 AM] girl: WOOF [8/14/2017 6:04:34 AM] aj: I'm gonna get some sleep shortly, so I'll give you a little more. [8/14/2017 6:05:24 AM] aj: So, don't get off to it later unless you put a collar or choker on your neck.  Close your eyes and imagine the palm of my hand on top of your head.  You'll get all the affection you want while you're barking and whimpering. [8/14/2017 6:05:40 AM] aj: <3 [8/14/2017 6:05:41 AM] girl: Holy fucking shit [8/14/2017 6:05:53 AM] girl: Literally die [8/14/2017 6:06:01 AM] aj: Oh, and... [8/14/2017 6:06:14 AM] aj: Wherever you go, let my voice follow you. [8/14/2017 6:06:19 AM] aj: There. [8/14/2017 6:06:33 AM] girl: I'm [8/14/2017 6:06:39 AM] girl: Gonna [8/14/2017 6:06:44 AM] girl: Die now [8/14/2017 6:06:54 AM] girl: You fucking idiot [8/14/2017 6:07:09 AM] aj: Ah, but all of that makes this so much more meaningful [8/14/2017 6:07:14 AM] aj:  /lots of headpats [8/14/2017 6:07:18 AM] aj: :3 [8/14/2017 6:07:31 AM] girl: HhahahaH [8/14/2017 6:07:41 AM] girl: Fuck you [8/14/2017 6:08:40 AM] aj: Mm, well, it's time for me to get some rest. [8/14/2017 6:09:14 AM] aj: I'm sure you're furiously worked up, furiously blushing, and probably just furious. [8/14/2017 6:09:20 AM] aj: Goodnight [8/14/2017 6:09:23 AM] aj: ~ [8/14/2017 6:13:00 AM] girl: Goodnight you idiot [8/14/2017 6:13:25 AM] girl: And you're right! Hope you feel great about it! [8/14/2017 4:44:51 PM] girl: Idiot [8/14/2017 4:44:58 PM] girl: idiot idiot idiot [8/14/2017 6:06:55 PM] aj: Hmm? [8/14/2017 6:07:33 PM] girl: Dont hmm me like you dont know [8/14/2017 6:08:52 PM] aj: Hah, fair enough. [8/14/2017 6:08:55 PM] aj: I'm glad it was good. [8/14/2017 6:09:32 PM] girl: Okay, i never said that [8/14/2017 6:09:44 PM] aj: No, you didn't. [8/14/2017 6:09:51 PM] aj: Here's your chance to deny it. [8/14/2017 6:10:35 PM] girl: 🙄 [8/14/2017 6:11:26 PM] aj: That shows up as a box, for me. [8/14/2017 6:11:53 PM] aj: One of those that implies I don't have the right fonts or something. [8/14/2017 6:11:57 PM] girl: Its the eyeroll emoji [8/14/2017 6:11:57 PM] aj: Anyways. [8/14/2017 6:12:47 PM] girl: You're like [8/14/2017 6:13:23 PM] girl: It shouldn't be so easy for you to push my buttons like that idiot [8/14/2017 6:13:46 PM] aj: Do you believe me when I tell you I've gotten better at pushing buttons in general, now? [8/14/2017 6:16:42 PM] girl: Probably [8/14/2017 6:17:18 PM] aj: Good answer. [8/14/2017 6:18:22 PM] girl: I just hope it wasn't to really condescend me or pity me, even though I didn't dislike you beinh a flirt [8/14/2017 6:18:31 PM] girl: You fuckinhg flirt [8/14/2017 6:18:42 PM] aj: I'm going to say this one more time. [8/14/2017 6:18:57 PM] girl: I know [8/14/2017 6:19:05 PM] girl: I just worry [8/14/2017 6:19:24 PM] aj: I like you.  I like flirting with you.  I think you're cute.  I have always thought you act cute, even when you sometimes go really creepy or strange. [8/14/2017 6:20:26 PM] aj: Just like you, I have to deal with fucked up feelings.  But that's them. [8/14/2017 6:21:57 PM] aj: I think doing things out of pity is a shit reason to do things. [8/14/2017 6:22:08 PM] aj: and I don't really have too much pity. [8/14/2017 6:22:16 PM] aj: I am more likely to pity-fuck than pity-flirt. [8/14/2017 6:22:43 PM] girl: Hahaha. [8/14/2017 6:23:47 PM] girl: I just get scared that im crumbling weirdly in front of you and that its a mess and that you dont feel messy at all too, causr I really hate making an ass of myself [8/14/2017 6:24:32 PM] girl: But I've almost always really liked you and when I haven't I've still felt pretty crazy about you [8/14/2017 6:25:04 PM] girl: Sorry im a creep too sometimes hahahaha [8/14/2017 6:25:16 PM] aj: Being honest with it is easier.  I just tend not to say it.  Being honest usually makes me not be crumbly about it. [8/14/2017 6:25:18 PM] aj: It [8/14/2017 6:25:29 PM] aj: It's weird and nobody I know would understand or approve. [8/14/2017 6:25:52 PM] aj: But that's just how it is. [8/14/2017 6:25:57 PM] aj: Best to be honest with it. [8/14/2017 6:26:07 PM] aj: Being honest with it means I can better handle it. [8/14/2017 6:26:08 PM] girl: Hah [8/14/2017 6:26:35 PM] girl: You're cute sometimes [8/14/2017 6:26:56 PM] girl: I woke up really late cause I talked to you so long [8/14/2017 6:28:06 PM] girl: I'm not quite as pathetic for you as i used to be but I'm still a dog girl it seems [8/14/2017 6:28:33 PM] aj: I wasn't exactly giving you an easy time of it. [8/14/2017 6:28:37 PM] aj: For what it's worth. [8/14/2017 6:28:42 PM] aj: Don't think too badly of yourself. [8/14/2017 6:28:48 PM] girl: I don't mind so much. I guess cause I'm not surprised. [8/14/2017 6:28:57 PM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 6:29:33 PM] girl: That's not all you. I think about you that way more often than is appropriate or excusable [8/14/2017 6:29:48 PM] aj: I know. [8/14/2017 6:29:58 PM] aj: Mostly because you tell me so. [8/14/2017 6:30:00 PM] girl: You do? [8/14/2017 6:30:13 PM] aj: I know I might seem disinterested? [8/14/2017 6:30:19 PM] girl: Oh [8/14/2017 6:30:21 PM] aj: But I try to remember stuff. [8/14/2017 6:30:39 PM] aj: and I notice what things you talk about. [8/14/2017 6:30:46 PM] aj: and what interrupts you. [8/14/2017 6:31:09 PM] aj: and there's been no shortage of you yelling at me, which you'd only do if you were frustrated and thinking about me. [8/14/2017 6:31:37 PM] aj: If I was on your mind, you'd put some of the blame on me, and after blaming me, it's fine to yell at me. [8/14/2017 6:31:45 PM] aj: If you couldn't blame me, you wouldn't yell at me. [8/14/2017 6:31:49 PM] aj: You're not like that. [8/14/2017 6:31:57 PM] aj: Even if the blame is flimsy, it has to be there. [8/14/2017 6:32:41 PM] aj: So all it comes down to is noticing. [8/14/2017 6:33:28 PM] aj: You do it in clusters, which usually lines up when other things are going bad for you and so, since I'm still a dirty habit, I pop out more then. [8/14/2017 6:33:44 PM] girl: M sorry about that [8/14/2017 6:33:59 PM] aj: It is what it is. [8/14/2017 6:34:21 PM] aj: I don't care if you're bad, so long as you're honest about it. [8/14/2017 6:34:35 PM] girl: I don't totally understand all your observations of me, maybe mostly cause my memory is sorta bad and I don't really think about the things i do [8/14/2017 6:34:59 PM] girl: But I still think I don't like that ive hurt you [8/14/2017 6:35:44 PM] girl: Ultimately I'm selfish and would probably do it anyway if I really wanted something but... i said before its not nice to scapegoat and I shouldn't [8/14/2017 6:36:07 PM] aj: If I get sick of it, I disappear. [8/14/2017 6:36:11 PM] aj: So it works out. [8/14/2017 6:36:43 PM] girl: I hope you're not sick of other stuff i do, but I understand if you are [8/14/2017 6:36:58 PM] aj: You have nothing to worry about right now. [8/14/2017 6:37:05 PM] girl: I still don't like it [8/14/2017 6:37:15 PM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 6:37:20 PM] aj: We all carry some guilt. [8/14/2017 6:37:23 PM] aj: I'm not angry at you. [8/14/2017 6:37:35 PM] aj: If you still dislike what happened, don't do it again. [8/14/2017 6:37:52 PM] girl: I'll try [8/14/2017 6:39:18 PM] girl: I don't like feeling so at your mercy but I know I don't feel right holding something over you in a cruel way [8/14/2017 6:39:42 PM] girl: Or making excuses to be angry with you when they aren't real reasons [8/14/2017 6:39:51 PM] aj: We both have the capability to hurt the other person. [8/14/2017 6:39:55 PM] aj: and to be good to the other person. [8/14/2017 6:40:32 PM] girl: Is it stockholmy or just desperate of me if I want to be good to you? [8/14/2017 6:40:49 PM] aj: Maybe you're just a good person? [8/14/2017 6:41:13 PM] aj: Even if you describe it correctly, assuming a correct answer exists, it won't be less confusing. [8/14/2017 6:41:24 PM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 6:41:30 PM] girl: You're probably right [8/14/2017 6:41:48 PM] aj: Anyways, I need to go. [8/14/2017 6:41:57 PM] aj: Take it easy [8/14/2017 6:42:07 PM] girl: Where to? [8/14/2017 6:42:12 PM] girl: You too, dummy [8/14/2017 6:42:22 PM] aj: A friend's [8/14/2017 6:42:34 PM] girl: Have fun~ [8/14/2017 6:42:34 PM] aj: We made plans.  So I'm headed over to his. [8/14/2017 6:42:38 PM] aj: Yep [8/14/2017 6:42:53 PM] girl: <3 [8/14/2017 9:14:39 PM] girl: I've always found you pretty unbearably darling [8/14/2017 9:15:28 PM] girl: I slept most of my day away and went on a little night walk [8/14/2017 9:27:26 PM] girl: I'm scared of being left alone and I'm scared of messing up, but I still feel so much more right when I have you around, and I hate that it'll never be in an all the way healthy or normal way. [8/14/2017 9:28:28 PM] girl: It's not a big deal ultimately I guess. I forget what I'm saying... [8/14/2017 9:30:07 PM] girl: I'm scared I'm not special to you though I know you tell me otherwise almost all the time. I like when you spoil me, I like when you pay attention to me, I like when you comfort me. I like to hear about your day and I like when you tell me about yours [8/14/2017 9:30:51 PM] girl: Thanks for paying attention to me and calling me cute when i make it obvious that i want to be called cute [8/14/2017 9:31:20 PM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) Im happy right now, even though im an unforgivable fuck up [8/15/2017 2:21:41 AM] girl: I HATE sativa so much lol... [8/15/2017 1:07:26 PM] girl: 2 damn hot [8/15/2017 10:46:32 PM] girl: Sorry for always messaging yoy i think its fun and im a little you knowWHAT [8/15/2017 11:41:21 PM] girl: in other news, todayi  put a bunch of hydrangeas in my hair after meticulpously checking them for bugs and then touched a big leaf and a giant fucking carpenter ant fell off and bit me really hard!! [8/15/2017 11:57:13 PM] girl: it was rly cool and i didnt cry (*・∀-)☆