#//Uhh... where the fuck am I?
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just dropping this here

idk what issue this is from but 👀
does anyone have context for this cause otherwise i’m reading this as gay
#they make me insane#i should be paying attention to my class uhh#when will the comics just say ‘fuck it make em gay’ 🤨#i am assuming this is erik saying this#i hope i’m right 😥#cherik#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#x men#professor x#magneto#btw i’m getting these images from pinterest i honestly don’t know where most of these come from#wish does not shut up
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watching people discover the fucked up science guy part of viktor's lore and then being like "we need to acknowledge that he's a fucked up science guy 😔" is so funny. like yeah, he is a fucked up science guy who thinks ethics committees are bullshit because in his mind having rights temporarily violated is perfectly fine if it means saving lives—especially when the ones condemning his beliefs don't offer what they consider to be an ethical alternative to fix the problem and simply let it continue to exist.
and yeah, he's a fucked up science guy who experimented on himself following a, quote: traumatic period of introspection. he had a mental breakdown, fell into a major depressive episode, and spending this horrible time of his life "alone in the depths" reinforced and radicalized his previous beliefs, and to showcase his beliefs (and to try and get rid of his emotions because of how overwhelming they were) he turned himself into a cyborg (and did in fact make himself worse in certain ways but ehh who cares /j).
and yeah, he's a fucked up science guy who gave a kid back alley anti anxiety meds so he could face down his bullies, but he did so after making him a cozy beverage, teaching him about the dangers of propaganda and baseless rumors, and having him scream into a megaphone to freak out said bullies because it was funny (not that he'd admit to finding it funny because then he'd have to admit to having emotions, and well he can't do that, no sir).
so yes, viktor is a fucked up science guy, but that's half his charm! he cares so much about helping people, but he's a weirdo and freak about it! though to be fair, in the city that also has a chemically enhanced werewolf (warwick), a sentient blob of goo (zac), a wind and water goddess (janna), and a literal war criminal who invented chemical warfare (singed), among many other wacky individuals, he's pretty normal all things considered! fucked up science is just a part of life in zaun, my dudes!
#viktor league of legends#machine herald#uhh those are the only tags I'm doing#still not making a lol tag < is my lol tag#absolutely no hate or offense intended towards anyone bringing up viktor's deeply questionable ethics btw#it's just genuinely a really funny phenomenon to me is all#fr though viktor (and zaun) are meant to represent that dark messy side of science people don't like to acknowledge exists#we would not be where we are today scientifically if it weren't for the people who willingly or unwilling crossed the line#according to a reddit ama the person who wrote viktor’s 2016 lore was directly inspired by the scientists who invented local anesthesia#and tested it on themselves before testing it on patients! obviously what viktor did is just a smidge more extreme than that#but you get the point#he's not evil he's just not exactly mentally well lmao. except the times where he is an evil super villain#95% of the time he should be a weird but otherwise normal guy and the other 5% he should rob banks with his buddies for comedic effect#as zaun is all dark and gritty and deals with complicated complex themes but also it's like a saturday morning cartoon down there#that story from legends of runeterra where viktor takes away all of jinx’s weapons and then gets beat up by vi for it bc she didn't know#that's why the two of them were causing trouble is so fucking funny. just another tuesday am I right?#to be clear I intentionally took a more comedic tone w this post bc I don't have the energy to get into a nuanced discussion of ethics#and discuss the themes of academic elitism mental illness and other stuff in viktor's lore seriously#nor am i particularly knowledgeable of certain aspects that play a part in his lore aka glorious (r)evolution
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Not me toying with the idea of writing a UTLHS AU in which Flo accepted Cutler’s hand in marriage back in Edo…
I’d let her come to Jamaica with him, and I think she’d snap at some point because your girl™️ simply isn’t built for polite society and has been miserable for years, but then she uncovers something about his dubious EITC dealings, and that’s what pushes her over the edge. But I’m unsure how that would affect the plot of DMC or AWE — except Cutler would definitely be extra petty because his little wifey ran away or sth
#might let this idea marinate while I’m still working on asaan and see where it leads#i’d like to believe she’d get involved with pirates again in this au but uhh then what#don’t want it to turn into a straight retelling of films 2&3#cutler’s just out there like ‘wdym my wife ran away’#imagine the drama imagine the scandal#and his ego?? shattered#i think i just like to see the man suffer#utlhs#yes i have thought about this all night instead of sleeping and now i am tired as fuck
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im so fucking pissed rn. i also feel like i wanna cry
normally this is the sort of post id make as a joke or to commit to the bit but like genuinly
why the fuck??
#man why am i getting so pissed over a box of animal bones#uhh bc i fucking spent MONTHS gathering them and now theyre fucking gone and idk where they went#cals yapfest
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so since I may be free this summer after all, would anyone be interested in an RP event that's a potluck? I've been wanting to do it for ages but there's never any interest compared to other themes
for a discord rp, I would make a separate server explicitly for this purpose so you don't have to be in any guilds or anything! I would also delete the server (or at least channel, if people would like an event-planning server long-term) after a week - enough time for people to read over their stuff but not preserved forever and ever.
#actually remembering to make this a week-long poll this time!#if you've never heard the term before: a potluck is an event where everyone brings a food they've made to share in a communal feast!#there is no skill floor for this - if you (your character in this case) only knows a simple cornbread recipe they follow by the book that's#-just as welcome as an elaborate roast#and I know people have brought things they bought instead of cooked (like a bakery pie)#the point isn't to show off your cooking skills as much as it is to come together as a community and share :)#its historical origins were a little more complex in function than that but I'm going with what I was raised with#but yeah. it's a theme I've wanted to do a while because it's so community#I AM upset that I won't be busy this summer (rejected from every internship I applied to and can't apply to ones that require a-#-drivers license which is uhh MOST OF THEM!#but my psych was saying it's probably good for me to have some rest and recovery time after this hell semeste#(it wasn't hell but two of my classes have really been fucking with my head)#I DID get to try out darting guns last week in my wildlife sampling/id classes though and I hit the target dead center both times!#and that was fun. but the writing assignments from those other classes are incomprehensible in rubric#OH RIGHT MY TAGS#gw2 open RP night#gw2 rp
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Getting back into teacher mode tomorrow 🫡
#or later today actually it's past 1am#giving private english lessons again but for free officially bc of tax shit (gonna let the kid give me a coupon for the media store lol)#just one lesson for now to see how things work and after that for the rest of the school year i think#going back to my old school for that and not looking forward to meeting teachers who ask me where i work now#like thanks to your comment on my school leaving certificate uhh nothing! fuck you#i have to look hot to make up for it tho so i'll be wearing a 60s ish fit and trying to nail the twiggy eyeliner on first try#i lowkey thought she would cancel so i didn't prepare shit but i'm rawdogging my way through it like it worked 6 years ago#she struggles with vocabulary and listening comprehension like girl how am i supposed to help with listening 😭#gonna try to bring out some vocab learning tricks but honestly did the teacher who recommended me think i'm a wizard 💀#if i get her up on good grades call me saint melissa#mel talks
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Chakotay: Listen, Tuvok. Sometimes I can't stand you but I have to admit - you really are amazing at what you do. Tuvok: Thank you, and since we're speaking candidly, I'd like to say that I also sometimes can't stand you.
#Chakotay/Tuvok#yes this is a shipping post <3#HE LITERALLY DO ESN'T COMPLIMENT HIM!?!? HEHEHE#T UVOK!!!??#I do like how he admits that he's been .... well idk what he's been#'Her decision (to promote you over me) put me in a position I am unaccustomed to' <- jealousy?#He's a lieutenant so its not like he'd be 'unaccustomed' to following orders#It is a sweet moment I like it <3 he DOES apologize for being difficult#tuvok cam#star trek screenshots#also I felt bad for B'Elanna she was obviously really scared !!#also when she and Harry run from the warp core thing she runs like an anime girl and I didnt screenshot it but I did notice and smile#Chakotay that night: ........-eyes fly open- He Didn't Compliment Me Back.#The doctor and Kes hugging - AAA so sweet!!!!#and of course THE moment...Tuvok looking down and placing his hand CLOSER to Janeway...but still not QUITE touching her#AAA love this episode <3 I love when the alien things are truly alien and beyond the crew's comprehension but not malicious#Kes: Neelix!!! Where have you been!?#Neelix: uhh just fucking around - you know me. Cake anyone~??#Chakotay#Tuvok#Tuvok: I haven't really liked you either. / Chakotay:...Is there a 'however' coming? / Tuvok: No.
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WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE FROM CALIFORNIA
#uhh more venty shit down in the tags#likee tw for csa or grooming or whatever idk#like uhh my bf (a complicated topic) is from california#and uhh yeah basically i have an ex gf that i broke up with bc I'm a shitty person#and i cheated on her with predators multiple times ykyk#and a) wanted to avoid guilt b) obviously staying with her was wrong c) she's a really good person and i wanted to feel worse so ykyk#and uhh we're still close friends#she really should hate me bc stuff but oh well that's a vent for another day#and yeahh a while back when she came over and we started talking mental health shit#and i impulsively was like “hey how about we troll this bloke that has been trying to get back in contact with me?”#uhh he's like 38 or something and uhhh we sexted for like a day .#while i was dating my current boyfriend.#wow i really am a shitty person#and then yeah we had been texting a little for like the previous 3 days#so me and ex gf kinda went along with whatever he was saying#until he called and realised there was 2 off us and blocked me#ANYHOW YEAH HE WAS FROM CALIFORNIA#and after that event i randomly started feeling intense hate for ex gf every once in a while???#I'm not exactly sure why but oh well that did happen#and anyhow yeah a few months ago#like just before i broke up with her i think#she recommended the song dogbird by madds buckley#i nearly cried when i listened to it lmao it's far too real#i really recommend it#but yeah i was already like pushing her away at that point and that song is basically about that#(also very sapphic)#and yahh this morning i was feeling Sad and i randomly remembered this song and i was like “damn that's on topic ima listen to it again”#it's even realer than i remembered lmao#and yeah guess where the girlfriend-that-was-pushed-away was mentioned to be from in that song?#FROM FUCKING CALIFORNIA
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I am soo mentally ill about marisa coulter you don't understand
#throwing up throwing up#big fan of when she dies <333#truly i am so so ill about her#fuck man. fuck#i love how they did her in the series too she wasnt this fleshed out in the books i dont think#fuck man shes everything to me <33#you know when the fundamental character moment is the one where they die? so you like celebrate their death? yeah#everything she is has been building to this moment <33#i got out of my seat and cheered like a football fan lmao#FUCK YEAH#holy shit dude. im uhh im not normal about her#his dark materials#hdm spoilers#hdm s3
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god why is there never a perfect option, I have found two places where I can buy the Nimona comic book (yes only two and one is in a different country because idk screw availability of anything ig) but one is in Czech and shipping costs almost one half of the price of the book and the other place is fucking German Amazon where it is actually in English and I would get free shipping but it costs two times more than the one in Czech Republic and has those disgusting sticker graphics on it
#Or I coul get the czech one on my own because bus tickets cost actually a little bit less than shipping which is ironic#but I am not really a fan of comic books in czech they always sound a little bit off#and I like getting books in original if I know the language#but on the other hand I do not want to order anything from amazon#and the stickers are so fucking big oh my god#and I am broke so#uhh idk#I could possibly wait like a month because then I will need to go to the town where the bookshop is anyway#but what if it gets sold out by then#fuck idk someone help T-T#nimona
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Me: I don't like Sci-fi, space operas, or fantasy. Me: *sees fanart of some characters* Oh these look cool. I wonder why their arm looks like that. Why is that one person dressed in skull attire? I keep seeing these guys everywhere, let's get the book on Audible what could possibly go wrong? Book: *Sci-fi fantasy novel in space* Me:
#the fanart didn't give the impression of any of these TT0TT#maybe like modern fantasy...which I guess this is more 'future fantasy' but ahhh#silly talks#dazed lost confused#naked in the woods i am#where am i what's going on????#i think the 'houses' are based off our solar system#there's so many fucking names too many fucking names TT0TT I'm listening in a car while driving I CANT KEEP LOOKING UP FUCKING NAMES#I may have printed out the list of names that literally listed at the beginning beCAUSE I CANT REMEMBER ALL THE FUCKING NAMES TT0TT#I had to re-listen to the first 4 chapters twice because I was confused *sobs*#who are you people#MC funny tho she says curse words....I can understand curse words and the character work so that's good#turns out it might be a murder mystery? Annnnnd we've looped back around to a genre I'm cool with#literally had no idea what the plot was but "uhh competition between families/clans? Maybe?' TT0TT#i'm liking it? now that I kinda know what's going on#apparently the other books might have more mystery? I'm down for that I guess#i really need to look at what I'm about to get sometimes TT0TT But monkey brain was like 'oooo i like the art/chars looks lets do it!' TT0T#fun fact dipshit me bought another fantasy (I think it's high fantasy) too so fuck me I guess#look at me expanding my horizons!#anyway I thought this would be a funny 'point and laugh at silly' considering my stance on these things#let's see if anyone can figure out what i'm talking about based on what little i've given you to work off of laksdjflkajf;a#mistakes were made....but at least this looks like a happy mistake#and i might make a custom nendo of one of those jackasses klfjdalksjfas#i was NOT vibing with the prose the first time through. TT0TT but I think i got a handle on it now mannnn#this is so outside my wheelhouse orz#i was expecting MAYBE some fantastical elements but not high fantasy (i don't think it is??? maybe more modern??? post apocalyptic future?-#-ahhh another genre i care not for klfajdslkjf) but the space thing THREW ME FOR A FUCKING LOOP! that was a blindside! TT0TT)#i heard the 2nd book is a bit of a mind fuck......now THAT'S something I'm invested in 030
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[id: tumblr tag that says #qsmp with a pink arrow to the left of it. The arrow is pointing up like a successful stock. The overall tag fades from pink to a purple-ish color]
i know this is to represent a trending tag or whatever but i love the implication that it’s bi pride. like yeah sure yaoi island gets the bi colors. #pride.
#qsmp#i dont wanna actually tag anything else because that'd be improper umm. trying to think of one where it'd be looked over maybe just a#popular one? like#gay#<-- see how thats colorful#thats for example it should be rainbow maybe#or maybe they use that one uhh toothpaste flag or whatever it was called. im not quite good with the actual flag names#woah what the hell that ones the same thing. i mean it is pride month#does it do it for...#yaoi#annd...#yuri#im so sorry to anyone searching those tags im just curious. im just curious. im a learner. and a scientist#at heart.#i am so sorry im going to do one more just to see if that one will get the pride colors or if it'll get the same effect#transgender#?#WHAT THE FUCK#it used to be the pride flags :[ i mean it is probably just because it happens to also be pride month?
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i keep forgetting that i'm still in the middle of reading senyuu.....
#too much to keep up with#i'm also in the middle of servamp#you know when you're reading a series but you get to a particularly boring arc and it's really hard to continue?#that's what happened with servamp#i need to get caught up with the latest aoex chapter too#and with the latest csm chapters#and the latest knk chapters#i think i might actually continue my break from knk though. not bc the series isn't interesting#but bc i think i'll retain it better if i read more at once#same with the int manga#uhh i am staying up to date with the sgdlr manhua though#but that's easier i think bc it's like. a side thing compared to the whole story#i need to reread parts of talentless nana bc i uhh kinda forgot what happened in the middle arc#i only remember the monk kid and the girl who gaslit herself into thinking her self-made illusion was her twin sister#whenever sachiko appears in the current arc i'm like 'i literally don't remember where you came from'#wait..did i get caught up on fool night or did i just stop in the middle of it???#fuck#i need to finish hirogaru sky as well. not a manga but an anime#i'm doing fine i just find too many things interesting#i also need to finish doki doki precure.........#it's okay hirogaru is more interesting anyways#i like the art style for hirogaru sky better at least. and i feel like the precures are more fleshed out than in doki doki#i like the doki doki villains a little bit better though. ira and marmo my beloved#although the hirogaru villains are pretty likeable. that's why i said a little bit#i think precure in general makes some likeable villains. but i haven't seen enough precure to make an assumption for the whole franchise
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honestly. uh. sometimes i go here ahhdfjdbns over another of ffxiv g'raha's quotes and it is so insane ... he is everything ..... he is so wow
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#spoilery quote since it's smth you don't know is. him until later on but GOD#his quotes are just so so so good#and alisaie ...................... and everyone and ZENOS. zenos. but also i'm very uhh not normal about him#yeah the jugular quote got to me. also the to be friend or no and everything tbh haha sorry i like zenos#and then idk agh honestly ffxiv is just so good i loove the quotes but rn special love to ^^ okay#i'm not talking about dark knight i'll be overwhelmed lol. too good#uhhh emet ..... the whole bit before you fight ....... absolutely fucking amazing#i'm really. normal !! :)) /s about his uhh whole thing where he reveals his True Face to us like he said#how he entrusted his legacy to us... trusted us with the truth and all that knowledge.....#and i am not talking about elidibus at all or i'll cry :')#god. ffxiv i love you so much#AND YOU HAVE ... yeah arr to hvw to stb to shb to enw. all just. so good#and 'answers' is just a masterpiece.
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i think i've only seen a soma playthrough twice and the first time i didn't absorb it great lol but upon just some light brushing up (incl a short article that was one of the few results that cropped up when i was like "show me the images for 'soma's save feature featured fisting, right' (yeah basically)") it's like, it's always fun when you're just left with a lot of room to Interpret Themes and unsurprisingly at this juncture i'm lasering in on just, like, the matter of [the self vs the other] via this premise that basically people can just make a copy of their Psyche at any point (but needing to find a new & different Soma in which to upload it but like, largely setting that aside when In This Scenario the new bodies don't affect their minds / sense of self at all....except for when they sometimes do? or maybe not. the like glitchy monsters are just kind of WAU automatons, right. and the people are all able to act / communicate themselves as people, though they might be affected by like, existential crises over the goings on) wherein like....the protagonist can Split In Two* at a few points via the psyche copying/uploading, and then the game Follows the copy that will be continuing to advance the plot, and the version of the protagonist we Were following is now An Other even though it's like, that was The Self (at least insofar as that was our first person pov player character) up till just now. and the protagonist can Know like, yeah that's You right over there also. and yet iirc from like, yesterday's light research, in the first instance he at least gets the Option to kill that Other/Self who was, up till just then, the Self to us too, if that makes him feel better abt the existential crisis, or at least discomfort, enough to like, keep moving right along lol (speaking of. just the other day i was like "adagioly onomatopoeiaing the opening banjo strums of rainbow connection from the muppet movie soundtrack does so much for me" and then i learned it was the anniversary of its theatrical release. hell yes. also memorably once when like marinating for hours in a general malaise & failing to find the wherewital to get up i was like "haha oh wait. i'm playing the song 'movin right along' from the muppet movie in my head. okay" up & at em)
anyways the fisting article (which, i was wondering what thoughts it would have on that truly interesting facet of the game. mostly it posited that the uhh sphincteresque penetration of it all would be Typically considered to make cishet men anxious / threatened / vulnerable, and notes the protagonist (hypothetically a cishet man) is indeed trepidatious about it, while also arguing he markedly Doesn't really hesitate in shit that hurts or endangers others in the course of his shit (though ig that can also depend on the player? haven't really rewatched it recently enough to know how much his dialogue adds to [as a character though he's making it clearer he just wants to cut a swath through your shit asap]) and also questions whether the game thinks of (or, from their argument, knows of) the protag as pretty sphincteresque himself. and like yeah probably imo lol like thee ending being what it is, and as far as i know no like Multiple Endings like in amnesia series* stories usually, and thus more room to have a protagonist who talks to characters in the present and i think like, without the ability to choose what he says
anyways that the protagonist can Understand like, hey see that guy over there, that's literally also you rn, and yet he can [Not accept that] in one case such that he'll kill that Self for "his own" Self's comfort really, as the fisting article expressed, to continue believing he is Unique and the One True Self, the only Real [himself]. when, to be sure, the game Could have kept the first person pov on that version of him we'd Been up till then, and had that pov of the one killed. or maybe left behind in another instance, i don't remember all the "transfers"....catherine Explicitly explaining that only the copy/upload format is possible, Not Transfers, making sense what with like. her magic brain scans that can can wholly parse & store your Psyche data, whatever that'd be like, definitely not being meant to, say, Extract the person's Psyche from their living human body upon doing so. while the ending's drama comes from the game Now staying with the version of the protag who'd been our first person pov character prior to that "transfer," who is Again like "why am i still here" despite having the "it's not actually a transfer" explained, b/c This version Just So Happens to be the copy of the copy of the copy like simon(4) or (5) or whatever and ofc can't have been the one(s) already just left behind somewhere back there in the complex or he wouldn't have been able to be at that point in the first place. and then "killing" catherine b/c he's so pissed, i remember it as him hitting whatever device was her effective Soma, but the article i think suggested she just got too stressed in turn and that Output fried the device. while, of course, post credits shows us their "transferred" selves just fine chilling in the ark like whew glad all that's done with
anyways just getting around to the fact of how it's easy to land on catherine as the center of the game....and of course she's the one really Not having crises over [my god, copies of my Self] or others' selves or what all, having even less of a usual Soma than simon but rolling with it, and evidently having already fully absorbed her Self as a distinct version from her original Self, despite having the same links to her that make simon or anyone else who's been copied into whatever other Soma feel like he's continuously been Himself(tm), the one true Real Self he's always been....and like, naturally catherine being the one behind the entire project of [what if we copy/paste people's psyches into a big ol mmorpg server & shoot it into space so that Maybe something can happen with them / in a way they can continue to exist] so she's Been thinking of, you know, being separate from these Selves turned Others who you'll jettison into space beyond even the body of the earth. unless it's supposed to stay in orbit lol i do not remember the details....and ofc like plenty of other people are like wow that's Fucked Up or it's Not Us and like, the latter sure is true with with the [copying, not transferring] element, but also the former is more choose your own adventure (interpretation) when the game isn't about like, and the simulation Is fucked up, or there's any element of distress or dissonance to existing on the ark, though you can't really know that until the post credits scene confirms you're just hanging out for real....which, that article was also going in on the character who's on this quest to kill the WAU as like "the versions of us it makes isn't Real it's Corrupting" and like, arguably the WAU as just kind of, naturally, something capable of growing, and doing so, and the real problem seeming to come in with the [doing whatever for supposed safety but superceding/supplanting/displacing autonomy in doing so] like, people who did not agree to whatever was done re: their Somas or they would've remembered & been like yeah i'm hanging out as a robot now, or a goop guy, gunk [YES], etc. but separate from that obvious issue it's like, my guy, You're a copy made by the WAU now lol, you're your whole person that you are, with the thoughts & feelings to decide you wanna go on a quest to destroy it, and whatever capacity to pursue it....either way i think the game makes it clear enough the WAU is a Neutral force exercising no conscious discernment, it Is a body, or it's some body (once told me) anyways lol, though i guess i did just go "those Monsters that can chase you are just wau manifestations right" so that's getting kind of complex lol, but even that can be taken as, like, it Mimicking human's shapes & bipedality & other external characteristics, i guess, and just the way an overall theme can be [hmm where's that division between the soma and psyche, machine and ghost] the WAU has been expanding and making various forms of itself, and of humans, and that's also an element of the fisting that starts out as a fingering and can end with having to leave part of yourself in WAU's core if you have completed the choice to corrupt & destroy it, that Connection and Interfacing is required, with increasing [get it in there] required as well though there's no given clear in universe reason why (w/my theory here being: just the Themes of the increasing interaction / reducing Boundary)
where was i going with this. idk naturally there's people like "well you don't have to see the wau as evil or at least required to be destroyed" like yeah one can imagine the case for that, wherein again this one guy's hypothetically mad abt like oh it can't be Us it's making, like, brother in christ You are here as You are b/c of what wau did, if you don't think You're legitimate enough, how can you be dead set on pursuing any decision you make. but also the lack of autonomy wherein wau has (probably? again would have to rewatch) killed people to transfer them to a less fragile soma, but a) also maybe it's just acted when people were already dying / killed from other causes, and naturally there's the Everyone There Doomed To Die Fairly Imminently factor and b) that [wau's neutral / purely soma no psyche (or is it. etc)] aspect that is that classic mixup of wau just acting on its programming in a way unintended by its programmers re protecting life and c) i think WAU can sure be interpreted as a parallel counterpart to the ark project, where people agreed to the latter, & get to chill with simulated bodies in a simulated world, versus the WAU being that [body, world, realm of physical existence] which is funky & Not like a cool nice recreation of the usual world & is also at the bottom of the ocean, but it's sure trying to extend the existence of ppl's psyches by shoving them into whatever robots or slapping together parts or propping up their original body or what all, i don't remember that many of the characters encountered
Anyways Back To Catherine For Real. i'd forgotten this element completely, but that when catherine finds out her original self had been killed by crewmates (lol. amongst) for being set on carrying out the plan for the ark, Her Project, (i.e. launching it into space (risking that launch going incorrectly) vs keeping it on site at the bottom of the ocean here (theoretically less risky, according to at least the crewmate who killed her about her insisting on launching it anyways)) and catherine's copy / now alternate self comments on being like, a bit disappointed And surprised b/c like she says "i knew they didn't like me, but," like not thinking that dislike would lead to a semi accidental killing her (where apparently the guy who killed her may have been wearing the like powered diving suit w/the extra Strength to operate in the water pressure, like oh didn't mean to hit her That hard. in a different soma already) and seeing other ppl (not in universe) commenting on how it sure did seem to be culmination of like "the way others treated her" and how catherine always mentioned like, never having really had friends including as a crewmate here, being an Introvert....in fact, now i'm remembering that catherine doesn't even say "i knew they didn't like me, but" but rather something very close to "i know i'm not easy to like, but" like, aaaugh....like, as ever, a character or a Real Life Person sharing any particular info like "i'm [xyz]" Isn't Required for just trying to always not be ableist and to always treat other people as people even if they don't "just be normal" correctly enough, supposedly. rather than [what is "just being normal" is Correct & Good and you do Not need to undergo a continuous lifelong journey of in fact questioning this & navigating & learning how to communicate & interact & relate, you just need to fleetingly muster some superficial unhelpful Bonus efforts sometimes when you encounter the rare "exception" like someone who hands you their License To Autiste and you can let them keep their fidget cube and continue treating everyone you encounter ever organic aba style]....like, naturally in the game there's no twist where catherine turns out to be Evil or even antagonistic. she's like, patient, encouraging, friendly, helpful all throughout. she's also, ofc, simon's only guide (adding to the suspense of that [my god. my only guide was evil, and/or just my antagonist now anyways]) so he doesn't really get to pick someone he'd Like more. but that like, lifelong matter of why catherine doesn't Get to have had friends. that even as this professional associate she's treated differently, and worse, b/c you have to personally like someone & find them charming & je ne sais quoissy to Not be worse to them? it's fine to be shitty until catherine can, say, say "i've noticed you're being kind of shitty. it's probably b/c i'm autistic, officially, which i'm choosing to share with you & am now presenting my license about it, so maybe be cool about it" and then and only then go "oh ok" and Make The Exception rather than shifting your entire shitty Rule (they also would not actually really make the exception. "shoutout" too to the concept that, of course, it's actually Disrespectful to stop hating autistic ppl b/c you should treat them The Same as anyone else, and you're bringing that organic ABA all the time as part of your "just be normal" ethos life, so be sure to keep being an asshole to them & double empathy probleming putting all the depletion, extraction, punishment, losses, harms on them and all the rewards on yourself)
and like, catherine being killed b/c she was this Body who was going to take away the ark (her project / creation, which she was also just insisting on following what'd always been the plan for) wherein like, even if this guy didn't mean to kill her, he sure did after lashing out at her, same as happens w/simon in the end....and catherine also failing to be thee most "normal/default" version of a person as well by being a Woman, and probably not white either, and, of course, a nonwhite woman, also making her that much more vulnerable to being Out Of Line(tm) by just like, existing as a person & trying to do her shit, though misogyny, racism, orientalism or the like isn't explicitly invoked or especially implicitly hinted at that hard either, but it's like, how does this [scifi magical realism set in the not That distant future but material made in the way less distant past, i.e. all intents & purposes modern / current day of: in the 2010s] have Relevance beyond "would that be fucked up or what" type Invention that doesn't map on to our experiences at all....you don't Have to read into catherine twice being killed by a man who's lashing out b/c she's not delivering what he wants, but you sure don't Have to Not and be like "this is definitely No Misogyny world" like they're still being implicitly ableist b/c she's just not deemed Winsomely Likable enough, she's internalized that with that "i'm not easy to like" framing, why assume a premise of [misogyny is over] [racism is over] etc. whilest soma doesn't really proffer any scenario of like "oh if it weren't for our being able to perceive our designated Physical Differences in our human bodies, all that oppression would be over," that's not being explored even in the specific situation of its plot in the first place; people on the ark seem to have the simulation of the same bodies they originally did, ppl Can retain like, how they'd move, their voices, their sense of their bodies: elements of their physicality. and, you know, whether one even supposes there Is any meaningful body/mind division, though in soma it Is this premise like oh yeah we can digitize your psyche perfectly okay, such that your copy would experience no disruption in that Sense Of Selfness, which is what makes everything particularly like, whoah, and [wow this is just like soma] whenever something kind of invokes similar enough What Ifs but probably less engagingly lol....while also soma is flexible and spacious in letting you interpret shit, you Can defer from fisting wau to death, you don't have to be like "it's so true. thee horrors" abt the Copies Of Selves, who really just become Others to whatever now-other versions of that person, i.e. how catherine, who, as the person who wanted to scan copies of ppl's psyches & put them in a just chilling simulation server launched into space for the Chance of being copy/pasted elsewhere eventually and the chance for the participants to Exist in some form Now, and who did so, is never like, shocked or freaked out by the notion / reality of these copies' existence even though she didn't set out figuring any scans' uploads would end up on the ocean floor stations, she's not aghast & distressed in the end when after having uploaded her latest Self data to the ark & launched it, she's also Not on the ark and Still in the eventually / doomed ocean floor station, even if it's a bummer, b/c she has already just accepted That's How It Works....this [her] was not going to experience being Transferred, like she's Been saying, like she again tells simon while he's blowing up abt [why wasn't i transferred]....just clearly being an example of like, not everyone is like horrified and freaked out and like "that's fake &/or wrong" and you don't have to decide she's incorrect for being Like That, i.e. like, yep, this is the situation, i know there's the me who was killed and the me on the ark and the me here, and i know also we're also for intents and purposes separate people
all that is to say, like, yeah the Scifi What If specific [you can copy/paste your consciousness into a different soma] is there, but also you can be looking at it as just this like, pushing to thee limit of the Self(tm) and the Other(tm) insofar as imagining yourself, as the only Internality / Mind / Selfhood you have access to, as The One True Real Self and all Others as mere somas/bodies, whether you take that to as dehumanizing an extreme as you can or you just put some double standards on Others / treat them as lesser/less Real, or oh but just Sometimes, in Some Cases, which is fine and relevant to anything, rather than what's fine and relevant being to always be aware that everyone's Otherness is a matter of perspective, you're the Other to everyone else, everyone is just as The Self as everyone else, You Could Be That Other, that other Is [you] to themself, you are the "that could be you" to them....with soma, it can just be elevated to "that Other WAS you from 0.5 mmsec ago, and continues to be them, b/c they didn't experience any disruption in their existence, though now you're both in different situations of: different locations, different bodies, the awareness there's that Other Self over there now, possibly the difference of killing that self you were just copied from so you can go on feeling like the One Real Self"....but wherein like, that's just like, [What If: you Were able to wholly & accurately Know the self inside an Other? b/c it's you from 5 min ago] of like, scenarios like [what if you time traveled 5 min into the past] except wherein that case there's usually the efforts to Resolve(tm) the timeline of that One True Self one way or another, ultimately. or is there. obviously who's positing that soma is the only material to be About the "whoa lol. me as an other" concept made scifily literal or anything
anyways that like, it creates that situation wherein one Can point & go "literally literally me" but also simultaneously one Can go "that's Not literally me arrrgh" or "that's also Not literally me, matter of factly"....simon's wrangling with the Othering of his One True Self, but he can also Know, should he choose to shift to that perspective, that all the Others who aren't alternate copies of him are all Another True Selves, An Other True Self even, though ofc as per the nature of not having a collective consciousness, he Doesn't Know the accurate whole of their psyches b/c he was not ever [literally them], but he doesn't need to to know they're just as [a whole psyche in there] as his own have been. original catherine with her fellow original crewmates being othered enough by them for the dehumanization of treating her worse, her being isolated, that indeed her being killed doesn't feel separate from all that by her or by anyone else, just an escalated extreme final fatal manifestation of it, b/c nobody ever liked her in the first place and then she became a (psyche Piloting a) body getting in the way of what one guy with amplified strength at that moment wanted from the project she made to let others' psyches keep existing in some way, which was deemed valuable enough by that guy to want to commandeer it and keep it at the bottom of the ocean versus risk a launch, regardless of how you the player think of the idea
and thinking of the way you can like, effectively befriend that boxy underwater little propellered Regular Simple Robot Helper that follows you around at some point, that is, of course it can't talk to you, it's definitely Just(tm) this not-ever-a-version of a human robot for practical tasks (dyspeptical tasks, clerical tasks, hysterical tasks) and like, imagine Its interiority, get invested, try to protect it, humanize it regardless....whereas with actual humans, and their psyches in a microchip, you can kill them for not perfectly delivering whatever you wanted even when that's not what other humans ever exist to do. then simon loses the Company he still could've Gotten From catherine, [guy who killed original catherine] didn't succeed in keeping the ark unlaunched, b/c that's what you go and do....but really just thinking of that Thread that feels so extremely relevant of like, catherine copy being simon's only option sure and working With him on this mission until we stay with the edition of him who realizes it didn't lead to his escape onto the ark, i.e. always being in relation to him in a manner of a direct practical teamup & a [take it or leave it] sole option for that anyways....but that in her original, human-bodied life, she was always "oh only a little bit" dehumanized by everyone such that she is very much aware of the way that's defined & limited her life, never had friends, i know i'm difficult to like; until that dehumanization escalated to the extreme of trying to hit her to stop her from seeing her project through, and just happening to kill her, and the fact that this seems to no one just a coincidental whoopsie of a fate just entirely disconnected from the way others always saw her and treated her as this Other among others, while other [psyche/soma]s of others who are clearly not Your Self get to have friends and not be isolated and feel hard to like forever and end up killed by coworkers
tl;dr like love a text just inviting plenty of interpretations and lenses and perspectives, ofc gonna look at it like whoa it's anarchy in there (political cats sense) where are the borders where you are thee self above thee other....soma providing that thinnest boundary of like, yeah that mf over there? there but for the [being in a different body, in a different place, with 7 seconds of negligibly different life experience] go ye. but also the usual boundary of "that person is in a different body in a different place with a different whole life but you're [that] to them and they're just as much a person and a self and an other as you are" like catherine center of the game to me
(* just remembered i had these asterisks: sure enjoying how the premise of amnesia games effectively creates Alternate Selves b/w the protagonist's present self, with however much missing time, and past selves whose goings on are completely relevant to the in media res situation you're also tackling while obtaining pieces of that past to priovide further context/info, and how this premise manifests for different stories each time; you've even got oswald like physically divided into Two Selves in a:amfp, though iirc it's not like, psychically equivalent, kinda "regular oswald & nefarious destroy the world duplicitous oswald" lmao, classic....uhh and shoutout to penumbra being similar ish in that the protagonist's story isn't want's relevant, he's trying to find out what happened to his dad and more broadly the like underground pocket world he enters for those answers? iirc....but that soma shares that amnemonic premise of [intro] [suddenly like ???] [having to navigate your present mission & figure out the past & your Missing time] but like, thee respective Lores don't overlap really, soma obviously starts present day and takes an even more obvious leap into a future / completely different location, rather than amnesia games being set in the past with missing time of like, idk months? to even just days, uhh supposedly like [forever] in justine but that's like, i dunno sure lol, the peak mysterious / withheld protagonist really, on purpose. while naturally there's also the fact that, technically, this simon we are following at the start of the game did not actually forget anything, and that's a fun distinction despite that it otherwise initially seems like the same [amnesia] premise....and that he did kind of ""forget"" things in that original simon lived however much longer before dying, that his scan then ofc didn't retroactively include. so once again it's like, well, in amnesia ppl have likewise kind of rewound to a Past Self before the missing [crucial context to your in media res misadventure] time, w/daniel (and justine) even doing this On Purpose, though as is the nature of the amnesia series, everyone regains enough of that missing info about their goings on anyways, though you the player are Not in a story of like "wow they did Exactly the same thing again and ended up in the same place anyways" and Do get to kinda choose who they are / indeed end up with some Alternate Self, potentially, despite there being plenty of room wherein like, it's not precisely, granularly laid out Exactly Who They Are at any point anyways. only just now getting extra amnemonic lore that yes daniel got all fucked up on vitae rituals b/c that's just what happens! and people are fairly horny for it! always a possible interpretation that he was high on vitae (okay one proffered pronunciation of "curriculum vitae" (which i was like lord i feel like i've gone "what tf is that" about before but what tf is that. turns out it's what CV stands for as your specifically educational resumé) does say "vitae" would, in that case, rhyme with "nigh." other sources are listing like a million different combinations of a million different ways to pronounce each syllable. also they gotta say it a way in the game but i forget. daniel's VA apparently being some chemistry teacher? just like alchemy. not what the pope said to do, weird science, it's my creation....) anyways! the psyches diverge, the bodies don't, unless they do (oswald....uhh the guy in the bunker. lambert :( ) like catching up with The Self again, encountering extreme examples of Othering and Dehumanizing and [you are just like only a soma to me] with various means and ends of acting thusly to get xyz results
#uhh nominal tagging. i probably have nonzero soma posts...? maybe? lol#soma#amnesia#atdd#soma spoilers yeah but a) game's more than half a decade old at this point b) material that hinges on Surprising you the first time as like#thee sole worthwhile feature of its experience: probably not that good; i don't think soma's even dying to keep you from guessing any#''twists'' and if you Do it doesn't feel like you're like cheated of anything lol. though i'm sure the surprises are fun. the ending is sur#like yeah oh a fucked up surprise for the player too; but that's b/c the game of course Until Now followed the ''advancing'' simon copy#c) same as (b) but like spoilers don't really ruin things anyways imo. who is reading this in whole like ''damn i was Just gonna play this'#whereas idk now you know of it. also lbr who is reading this in whole period? probably some people lol. you do not have to ofc as a fact an#as a stance. i'm like; would i read someone's longass post abt something i don't already know abt / am not interested in? not often#d) if you Are like ''nooooo SOMA spoilers arrrgh i was Just abt to play it'' like damn my bad. i'm sorry. play it anyways it'll be fun#or e) watch a playthrough. i myself cannot Firsthand Game too much & this has generally been the case#long post ////#all this uncrucial and noncomprehensive but just taking 90k words & meandering tangents to say [hand over heart] catherine....#as is my mode of verbalizing anything really#i'll recommend the game easily enough; sure watched a full playthrough twice & may revisit for a thrice. or at least various clips lol#even got a safe mode (where you Can't Die so you can get through every part b/c thee story is the point anyways)
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