#//That is a feeling I've felt wayyy too often

[xamag-draws]

BBR thoughts 2024

Since I mentioned that I finally dusted off an old project of mine and was ruminating on how I'd remake it, I thought I'd elaborate a little, now that I've solidified some concepts. For funsies

This is gonna be a bit of a long and unfocused one, but I don't share my personal thoughts here often, especially the stuff about my projects I always marinate in. And for once it's something that people have existing context for, so hey why not

So for anyone who hasn't been following me for a gajillion years, The Black Brick Road of OZ was a webcomic that I posted around 2013-2015, back when I was in highschool going on college (which is kinda crazy to think about). It was sort of a darker twist on The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, although I definitely leaned a lot more into dark humor more than anything in those first few chapters

I don't think it's available to read anywhere anymore, and I know people have been asking me about it. So here's the full proper archive of BBR, as full as it can be with deceased Flash

I totally used it as an excuse to shamelessly and self-indulgently experiment. It had interactive pages and GIFs and was wayyy too overproduced for what I could handle or what was necessary, but I did have great fun making it while it lasted

Unfortunately, that excess and the fact that I've changed too much as a person by the time I was in college is what ultimately killed it. The direction I wanted to go in was practically unrecognizable from the original idea started back in 2011, so there were many old hold-ups that I felt ruined it

At the time I kinda wished I could start/rewrite it all over, but considering that I pretty much had the entire script done at that point, it felt like a pointless sisyphean task. So I just put it on a shelf and didn't look back for about 8 years, because I didn't know what else to do

Now to be fair, the nature of my art has always been iterative and cyclical; when I feel like my creative juices have run dry I prefer to leave a project to marinate and move on to something else; cycle through other old things and bring in new skills and perspectives into the mix when I'm ready again. Not very productive, but it is what makes me happy to work on my OCs; I'm doomed to hit a wall with them eventually and I need some time to be able to find a new direction

So that said, I'm glad that BBR was left to marinate for that long. I don't think I was prepared, emotionally or intellectually, to tackle it again until now. The Wizard of Oz book (and the entire series of them, really) has always been near and dear to my heart, but there's a lot of context around it that I'm only unpacking now that I'm older

I think I always inherently feel negatively about the stuff I've made in the past, like its faults always jump out to me more than the positives, especially the more time passes. I've never liked that, and I do really appreciate the kind things people have to say about BBR to this day. The fact that it still can be recognized and remembered is very sweet

When I left it, I already found it "kinda cringe", and that feeling only deepened with years. When I took my first look back at it, asking the question "how would I rewrite it now?", at first I took a very cynical approach, as in "everything would have to be torn down"

But the more I sat on it, the more I found that I still see some merit and charm in the ideas I was putting out; I just didn't know how to execute them at the time (not to pretend that I know what I'm doing now, but I certainly know more at least). Turns out a lot of my old concepts could be changed substantially with just a few small tweaks. So I'd say that's a nicer way to think about my previous work

If you haven't seen yet, I posted a first draft of my new designs for some of the characters (the main group, the Goods and the Wickeds). Definitely subject to change, but more or less how I see them now

I'm just playing with these concepts; by no means would I attempt to remake BBR right this moment. Call it a pipe dream among my other ones. But just for fun, this is the direction I'd like to take:

Nowadays I'd probably make it a visual novel, with more emphasis on the visual part than the novel because I'm no English prose writer by any means. It'd still let me play a little with the interactivity while helping cut some corners on the drawing part (only some, I imagine I'd go hog wild anyway)

I've always intended for some events inspired by the sequel books to take place in BBR's past. Stuff like Jinjur's revolt or Ozma's rule preceeds the main events here. So I think it would be fun to follow the past of a few key characters alongside the main story. One chapter focusing on the present quest to see the Wizard, then one focusing on the past events (that are maybe reflective thematically); rinse and repeat

I'm also sticking a little closer to the original text in some regards. Not everything that I enjoy from the books would be translated here, it's still just a very loose fantasy on the material; but I'd like to be closer in spirit at least

I like mature, wise and powerful Glinda, I like kind and vulnerable Tin Man, I like the Wizard being a pathetic yet loveable liar, so I'm sprinkling in more of that for example

I'd like to keep some whimsy, but make it more grounded and a bit more serious to be coherent in tone. I think the original TWWOOZ book was a more realistic fantasy in some ways, even for the standards of the time; I like its simple but vivid tactile descriptions and details like bringing attention that Dorothy needed to eat and sleep

I find it funny that Baum specifically was averse to making his books scary or unpleasant, finding that unnecessary for telling a compelling kids story, but they still can get pretty dark and disturbing, at least for our modern sensibilities. Let's just say that I intend to use the Evoldo and Chopfyt storylines for my purposes. In that way, I feel like a "darker" Wizard of Oz retelling can still mostly be tonally in line with the original and balance it with enough heart and occasional humor

I slowly grew to appreciate the quaint old-timey quality of the original series, as well. The first book is both timeless and very much a product of the 1900s. Originally I tried to give it a little modern or at least anachronistic spin, but it was moreso because it's what I knew best, so these days I'd rather intentionally lean into the time period. Still not fully historically accurate by any means, but at least directly acknowledging the influence

The events of the story span across 40 years of these characters' lives, so I'm drawing inspiration from the entire so-called La Belle Epoque: the time period around 1880s-1920s. Basically I'm cooking, and my soup is old Victorian fashion morphing into Edwardian fashion and slowly inching towards flappers

Some new Dolly outfits

Lots of crazy things, political changes and innovations were happening at the turn of the century, which I think is noted and reflected by Baum in the books as well; the character of Tik-Tok might not blow any minds now, but he was one of the first robot characters in literature at that point; and don't even get me started on Jinjur, etc. Plenty of really interesting stuff one could lightly ponder in an Oz adaptation these days

Aesthetically, art nouveau has always been a big artistic influence for me, and it'd definitely be its time to shine here. John R. Neill's illustrations of the Oz books often keep me company as well. Nouveau architecture in particular fits that fairytale whimsy extremely well imo

I'd allow myself a little bit of art deco here and there, but ultimately its intimidating geometrical splendor is an antithetical to the flowery nature of nouveau and I associate it with a completely different era. Definitely fitting some characters like my Wicked Witch of the West, but shouldn't be overused

One of my main problems with the original BBR was that eventually I lost track of what it was even about; and the original ending felt too mean and unfulfilling to be worth it. Now I'd like to stick to the theme of home and family as my main theme, but in a different, more bittersweet way than in the book

An interesting connection I made is that a lot of my aforementioned older key characters (the Witches, Jinjur, the Nome King, etc) all came from the same reformatory as kids, that's how they know each other. In my recent research I learned that in those reformatories it was usually frowned upon to release the children back to the families, which were seen as the original corrupting influence regardless of the circumstance. The reformatory did everything in its power to cut that connection and make itself the only family those wayward kids were supposed to know and love. That's an unexpected tie into the theme of home that I'd like to explore as well

So yeah that's the current state of it. I have a bunch of outfit concepts I'm slowly cooking, although I'm now sure whether I'd post them... But I do miss these funny guys, and I'm glad some people still do as well :)

[nandosbunni]

rare mornings | 𝓵. 𝓱𝓪𝓶𝓲𝓵𝓽𝓸𝓷

pairing: lewis hamilton x fem!reader

synopsis: it's one of those rare mornings you wake up with your boyfriend by your side.

a/n: it gets kinda spicy at the end. also, this is my first rpf fic because i've been lurking for wayyy too long on the f1 fic side of tumblr hahah

It wasn't often that you and Lewis got to stay home during the race season. He'd be busy traveling the world to race in grands prix, aiming to win as much races as he can and hopefully win another championship. As for you, if you weren't accompanying him during his races, you'd be busy and swamped with your own line of work.

So it was a rare treat to wake up to your boyfriend's arm wrapped around your waist and his breathing against the skin on your bare neck. His hand laid on top of your stomach, and you placed your hand on top of his, your fingertips tracing the tattoos on the back of his hand. You loved the moments like this—just the two of you, without any distractions or noise whatsoever. It was heaven.

"You awake?" Lewis whispered in his raspy morning voice.

You smile, even though he couldn't see it. "Yeah, I am. You?"

"Me too," he responded before wrapping his arm tighter around your waist, pulling you towards him until your back was pressed against his chest.

You let out a low hum when his lips touched your shoulder, peppering tiny kisses all the way up to the side of your neck.

"I love you so much," he whispered in between planting kisses on your skin before he flipped you onto your back in order to press his lips against yours.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling his body closer towards you. Lewis placed a hand against the headboard for support so he wouldn't accidentally crush you with his weight. You continued kissing—god, you missed how he tasted, how he smelled, how he felt. Nothing could compare to the feeling of having him with you, being able to show how much he was yours and you, his.

When you both pulled away for air, you opened your eyes to find him smirking at you.

"You really missed me, didn't you, love?" He teased, rubbing your cheek with the pad of his thumb.

A sheepish grin spread across your face, and you couldn't help but feel your cheeks get hot from his touch. "Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

As Lewis leaned in for another kiss, the alarm on your phone went off. An annoyed groan escaped his lips as you reached for your phone to turn off the alarm, reading the time on the screen before putting it back on the nightstand.

"Was that work-related?" He asked, his eyes going from your phone then to you.

"Nope, it's just time for my run." You replied before placing your hands on his chest and flipping the both of you around so he was on his back while you straddled his hips.

"Changed your mind on that morning run?" He asked, his eyebrow raised suggestively and his hands playing with the waistband of your shorts.

You gave him another kiss on the lips, then leaned into his ear, whispering, "I'd rather spend my morning showing you exactly how much I've missed you."

[seneon]

all mine ──── reo mikage x gn! reader.

about. two souls who are oblivious to each other's feelings. | ib all mine, plaza. fluffy but not rly fluff..? wc of 690+

notes. whenever i listen to that song, it reminds me of reo idk why. AND Y'ALL THOUGHT I FORGOT ABOUT BLUE LOCK HUH SHAME ON U

popular mikage reo is loved amongst students, perhaps even hated. who knows. but there were only two sides, love and hate. all the girls in school wanted mikage reo and all the boys wanted to be like mikage reo. to put simply, he is the dream of everyone.

he gets everything he wants. money, success, fame, women, nagi seishirou. whatever that he desires, he gets.

so what happens when he doesn't get what he wants?

more like, what would happen if a student that wants him, ends up not wanting him anymore…?

reo mikage is oblivious to the times where you tried so hard to talk to him or be in his presence. to even get his attention through a crowd of dedicated fangirls and haterboys is just so hard. so not even one week of attempting to express your feelings, you have completely cut them off like cutting a mere thread.

sometime after you left, reo mikage started to notice you. how ironic is that? the popular mikage reo finally notices you, quite a popular student too. you were popular for your performing arts talent, often seen performing for school events or even outside of school.

the mikage attempted a chase and attract challenge for quite some time. but there was not even once where you would look his way and smile or blush or anything. now he felt like his desires weren't going to be fulfilled. he should've paid you more mind when you used to like him.

“yo mikage! you ever get the news on why l/n doesn't fawn over you like everyone else?”

he does. in fact, he wonders about it all the damn time. it was shocking that there are actually people who don't pay any mind to the mikage.

“they said l/n used to like you but gave up because you're wayyy too popular, man. they don't want you anymore.”

oh. talented y/n used to like reo mikage. that's a little disappointing. maybe a bit more disappointing. okay reo is lying to himself. he is extremely disappointed. he is disappointed at himself for how he never paid you any attention when you used to like him. if only he wasn't so oblivious then only would he make things work.

he could have you all for himself this entire time. he could have told people that talented y/n is all his. he would say “y/n is all mine” proudly.

is there a second chance for him in your heart? he is eager to know. so reo mikage is going to try to get your attention now. will he succeed or not? oh reo mikage prays. if not, he will do even the most ridiculous of stunts to get you to look at him just once. at least once.

truth is, he didn't even have to try. he was always in your heart. you'll only look his way whenever he isn't looking so you'd admire him from afar. how pathetic talented y/n is, to think that you have no chance with ace student reo mikage.

will this complex love story ever be solved?

yeah.

“will you ever look my way, y/n?! i've been trying so hard to talk to you. why won't you notice my feelings for you?!” reo mikage loses his patience and snaps at you.

in class, right where you sat completing your music sheet. and the mikage who snapped all of a sudden in the middle of a free period where the entire class paused at the outburst.

“i like you y/n, please just acknowledge my existence!”

oh dear. someone's angry.

“not like i don't acknowledge your existence. you're very much known to me. but the feelings part is not what i expected,” you said, looking at your music sheet and at reo. “i like you too.”

and that was all it took for two oblivious souls to acknowledge their feelings for each other. it isn't that hard to just... go up and talk. another day, and reo mikage gets to finally call the school's most talented performer “all mine.”

© SENEON 2024 ♰ do not repost, alter, or translate.

[youremyheaven]

on the topic of malefics and sensuality, i'm martian and unsurprisingly celibate. but one thing that i think is unique to martian celibacy is hating men and let me tell you... i sure do 😭 i've had a few experiences as a teen that were like okay at best but as i've gotten older i find men so disgusting and stupid and quite frankly sinister that i just cannot bring myself to even flirt with them. i think there probably is a man out there who won't make me feel this way (venusian munch man if you can hear me please save me) but in the meantime me and my misandrist martian friends (i'm like a mars magnet) are gonna be locked UP

and also, i have mrigashira moon and i think that mrigashira specifically makes you fantasize about romance/sex a lot but not wanting to actually do it. my mrig rising and venus friend feels the same way! we both spent our teen years on wattpad 24/7 😭 mrigs love escapism and fantasy!

omg BBG you spilled 💅🏼

I've noticed the man hating tendency with many Martian women lmaooo, everytime I hear it, I do feel a bit shook ngl, it's like Saturn men hating women

Venusian man save me is so realllll 😩😩😭🤣

Honorable mention for Jupiter men (esp Vishaka) they're the sweetest guys except they're kinda sexless (except Vishaka) they're romantic but not sexual??? If that makes sense??

My friend dated a Vishaka Moon man for a year and he apparently never ever touched her 😭😭😭and she thought it was because he found her unappealing lmao (dating within the Indian context means a man who doesn't touch before marriage is a good man etc so she felt too "slutty" to ask him for anything bc most men are sleazy and would've tried to pull something and him not doing so meant he was a decent guy and she was the problem 💀🤡)

I'd say Venus & Jupiter men are the ones who know how to treat women right 😌😉 (obviously how evolved they're as individuals also matter, there are sex addicted Venusians and party everyday, constant thrill chasing Jupitereans)

Lmaoo the Mrigashira fantasizing about sex and never actually wanting to do the deed is so true. My 60yr old aunt (Mrigashira Moon) has been separated from her husband for like 20 years (and she's thrived as a girlboss ever since) and she often talks about finding a handsome man etc 😌😏🤤 for her company but when my dad says "okay let's try matrimonial sites and find a guy for you 😌🫶🏼" she's like "🤮🤢🤢EWWW"

A gang of Martian misandrists is so funny 😭🤣😳😶‍🌫️💀🤣😭 I feel like Martian women are so unimpressed with me bc I seem like a deranged lover girl to them lmao,, my friend in college had Mars in Mrigashira atmakaraka and she literally acted like my mom and shooed away any man who approached me (since many of them were creepy, I was grateful for it ngl) but the WAYYY she spoke about guys always felt a bit unhinged to me like ??? it can't be normal to walk around with this much rage and angst ??? And I always tried to gauge if there was something in her past that made her this way 😔😶‍🌫️😶 but girlie never dated, never had a crush, never went near a man, was never assaulted/harassed/abused by men etc so I figured it must just be a hating Indian men thing bc who can blame her for that 😔🤡💀she did however feel like her dad was a patriarch with a misogyny issue but that's just every brown dad tbh :/// everytime I told her about a crush or about something some guy told me 🤪😜, she'd start the character assassination on him and make him sound like the worst person to have ever lived ,, and then lowkey make snide remarks that made me feel stupid for having my moment of fun😔like damn ma chill outtttt, I'm not having his babies!!!! We had a very homoerotic friendship so I feel like there's that as well 😬😶‍🌫️😬

[afterhours-system]

omg transbipolar tips please? (if that's ok ofc!) if u do ty sooooo much (and no worries if not! ty anyway 4 being on tumblr :3)

hiii hello :33 heres some transbipolar tips from a cisBP II guything :D

general tips!!

track 👏 your👏 mood 👏!! i'd suggest one mood tracker for the moods/emotions you're actually experiencing (to track progress for example) (i use Daylio, it's great!) & one for the moods/episodes you want to experience! for BP specific moods (mainly depression/mania) i use Bipolar UK!

exaggerate your regular daily moods! if you've been in a good mood all day but suddenly feel a bit down play it up! i've gone from cruising in a very high mood (perhaps even bordering on hypomanic) to absolutely crashing for days because of one bad mood swing :P

hypomania & mania tips!!! (note: ive yet to experience a 100% manic episode, so i dont have as much personal experience there!)

hypomania: hypomania is characterized, for me, by very very high energy, high productivity (but never finishing anything), lots of inspiration & creative drive and feeling wayyy more social than usual!

also, completely losing track of my finances, needing less sleep (like. 2-3hrs & i feel well rested where i usually need 8-9,,), less need for food, almost no actual feelings of hunger (once in a month long ep i only ate One Piece Of Bread per day with the occasional (once a week max) pizza & was "fine") & being more open to drinking (and/or considering trying to get my hands on 'harder' stuff like psychedelics) where i usually straight up dont like alcohol!

i'd recommend going off of what's alr there for you; so if you notice you've been in a pretty good mood recently, say that's a hypomanic episode now! go out a lot (clubbing if you want to/can!), make efforts to meet new ppl & make friends, be very motivated & high energy and do everything (and i mean everything!) in excess (talk fast af & never stop talking, be restless and pace around, constanty occupy yourself w/ smth bcs otherwise you'll be understimulated af)

for mania: crank up everything about hypomania by about 300%. it's like there's a million bees inside your bones, you feel restless cant be still do a thousand things in a day, lose all sense of responsibility & become extremely reckless, either due to your extremely elevated mood or because of delusions or other psychotic symptoms.

oh yeah, psychosis! in a mixed ep i spent a day convinced i had somehow accidentally ingested alcohol (i hadnt)! intrusive thoughts, extreme anxiety around it, physical, olfactory & taste-based hallucinations around it, the whole package.

other BP based psychosis ive experienced: visual hallucinations (insects & spiders for me), jumbled & rapid thoughts (it felt different to adhd fast thoughts it was so weird lol)

see this article (link) for other psychotic symptoms during manic (or depressive!) episodes in pwBP!

i'd probably recommend "picking a theme" for delusions & halluciantions & the like, to make it easier to focus on them? tho i havent experienced psychosis enough to know if i have a 'theme' :P

depressive episodes!!

my least favorite (also, i feel like more things are known abt depression) (ALSO- i have seasonal affective disorder too which influences my BP episodes)

depressive episodes mean extreme lethargy for me. im tired 24/7 no matter how much sleep i get (& i'll be getting way more than usual. 10-12 hrs on average with the occasional 13 hrs 🥶).

very little movement. physical, mental, emotional, metaphyical. i often get stuck in bed, if not physically then mentally. spending my day anywhere but in my bed will feel weird & wrong. i will feel pretty numb/wont have access to my emotions anymore & often compltely stop thinking abt & processing my day-to-day life

^ this usually results in strong amnesia around depressive episodes but that might be a plural thing so. take it w a grain of salt lol

depressive episodes also make me self isolate as fuck. im talking forgoing my physical needs if theres a Chance i'll run into my roommate.

oh, yeah, also i just stop taking care of my basic physical as well as i do when balanced. i need to be starving to be able to get up & eat smth, & god forbid i want to actually cook smth rather than eating frozen pizza or eating out/ordering in

i also usually stop doing anything more creative than daydreaming (hashtag immersive daydreaming gang/silly) but even those are less immersive and less frequent. i'll be artblocked 24/7, have no inspiration or motivation and probably wont even miss drawing :P

& thats it! i hope you can find smth usefull in my rambling :3c /gen

and good luck & have fun with your transition!! you have my full support :D /gen

[acnlmorioh]

08/10/2023

today i visited @azaleacnl's new leaf town through the dream suite! it was such an adorable and well made town so here is my review of my travels ! (sidenote i lost the notes i wrote while exploring the town so if its a little disjointed then that's why)

immediately as i loaded into the town i could tell it was going to be amazing. the clovers by the bed and the cherry blossom trees created such an atmosphere already.

i loved the bushes around the town tree, i thought that was a super nice touch.

there were so many outdoor areas that i just loved. i really liked the use of items like the perfect apple basket to add more life to the outdoors. it's really cool to see what people do with the limited amount of stuff you can place outside in NL!! i also loved the trees with the carnations in the water, they looked like cherry blossom petals floating in the river!!

the first character's house that i came across was meli's house! i LOVED the sweets exterior. i find that it can often be a bit out of place in some towns but i thought it fit super well here!

I LOVE THE SWEETS SET. AAAAGHHH. one thing about the whole town is the use of certain smaller furniture items that just add so much more - for example, in this room, the black roses look like they're made of chocolate.

i loved the cosy vibe of the back room with all the cabin furniture and using the large bookcase as a room partition works so well!! the pompompurin room was also super cute and furniture like the super star and the balloon fit really nicely!

i genuinely audibly gasped when i saw this room and i am not even joking. the atmosphere is just PERFECT i think it's my favourite room in the whole town!! it feels so comfy and everything is exactly where it should be. i love it!!!!

the next house i came to was cathy's ! i love the exterior, the fairy tale theme is so cute and matches nicely with the town hall and train station.

i have VERY strong feelings about the lovely set (I LVOE IT ITSM Y FAVOURITE SET EVER) so trust i was a fan of this room !! i also really like the soft lighting that was in a lot of the rooms, when i was decorating my nl house recently i found that a lot of the lighting was wayyy too harsh for my liking so i like how it's done here!! i also noticed a lot of furniture items that i swear i have never seen before - it goes to show how much effort was clearly put into this whole town.

i really love the distinct theming of every room - while they were all different, they still felt really cohesive. i also think the space is used very well, such as in the rococo room. in my own rococo room i've been really struggling to figure out how to use the space, but these rooms are all full but not crowded. i also love the use of cyrus such as in the regal furniture. i never really considered using regal furniture because i didn't like the yellow but here you can see how it's recoloured to pink which i feel makes it fit in a lot better with more sets.

i also love the use of mannequins in the rooms! it really makes it feel like a scene where there's actual characters and a story, like the character by the birdcage in the princess room!

the next house was lina's!! i'm going to become very repetitive but once again i love the exterior. it's so impressive managing to make the very different exterior styles work so well in the same town.

i have never been a fan of the gorgeous set. HOWEVER. seeing it like this (especially with this lighting) has certainly made it grow on me! i think the strong lighting also helps to unite the pieces by making them similar colours e.g. the handbag on the table - iirc it's pink and can't be recoloured, but in the lighting it looks more red which makes it fit in with the rest of the furniture.

once again loved the use of mannequins in these rooms! i thought the minimalist beds in the spa was super smart. the atmosphere in the rooms is actually impeccable like the spa room seems so clean and cool. i LOVED the restaurant room!! i think it's so creative to use the rooms as like actual places rather than just rooms in a house. it adds more liveliness and story to the whole town i really love it!!

the final house i came to was misa's!

the interiors were always very unpredictable in the best way possible - i didn't expect to step into the house and be on a tropical island, but there i was! as much as i really liked the island, i was absolutely blown away by the basement room. it really felt like i was outside and had come across a magical fairy circle. i never really make use of wallpapers like the vistas and skies but this really showed me how well they can be used - the atmosphere was insane !!!

even though this house isn't 100% finished, i honestly liked that - it made me super excited to see what was to come!!!

after i looked at the player houses, i looked around the rest of the town. i feel like my thoughts were the same wherever i went - it was mostly 'OHHH MY GOD THAT IS SO CUTE. OHHHH MY GOD USING THAT FURNITURE IS GENIUS. I LOVE IT'. the pwps were used very well and i think they were really well placed - they were spread out enough that the town wasn't super crowded but there weren't super big empty spaces. i also found the town really easy to navigate, not only due to the placement of buildings but the paths were very clearly and purposefully placed! (they were also super cute i loved the patterns)

i thought the villager housing was nicely done with some of them being paired off together. also bonus points for the wisteria trellis (my fav pwp EVER)!!!!!

overall it was just a really lovely experience going and exploring around the town of azalea. if you would like to visit (which you SHOULD! there's a lot i didn't include here so you should go see the town for yourself!!) the DA is 7E00-00D5-AA0B !! you should also follow the towns blog which is @azaleacnl !!

eee thank you for reading please check out the town + blog !!

[fireheartedpup]

Oh I'm. So drunk. I understand why drunk people misspell now.

My fight or flight has been triggered twice in three days. It took like two days to recover from the last one and I had no one to lean on because I didn't want to bother anyone and no one responded. And I feel bad for leaning so hard. What do you do when you grandma was brainwashed? I wasn't prepared for this. She doesn't want to listen to me.

I got fed up with my neighbor's weed coming through the vents every time i turn the air conditioning on. It's 100 out and I've been turning the temp up just so I won't have to smell it. So last night I was kinda manic and finally gathered the courage to march over and knock on her door.

Admittedly, I was too aggressive with it. I left a note. I told her I would report her every time I smelled her smoke. I wouldn't do that if it weren't against the lease. I already tried recommending filters she could blow into. Idc if she smokes so long as it doesn't come into my apartment.

She didn't answer, so I left a note telling her I'd report her every time I smelled it. I just wanted her to stop or use a filter. Idc if she's violating the lease so long as she's being considerate.

She doesn't even want to acknowledge me as human being unless she's shouting. She pounded on my door TWICE and for some reason I answered. She said she'd beat my ass of I did that again.

I took karate for 4 year and made it to brown belt. It's not anything in comparison to street fighting, but I did practice blocking punches. Honestly, try it. See how well that works out for you. See how much muscle memory I have left. I'm curious.

I've been out of it wayyy longer than i was in it. But I was going every week, often 2x a week. I could probably take her. I've been angry for a long time. Give me a reason. Go ahead, throw the first punch, see what happens. I'm curious.

Not that curious tho because it left me shaking. I went to dad's house and had dinner. I felt like throwing up. I was shaking. It takes a lot for me to feel up to confronting people, even casually.

Like. I could probably defend myself. I don't want to get in trouble. I just want some support. I want community. I would've had her back and tried to troubleshoot homemade filters for her if she wanted to get around the rules.

Nope. She wants to yell and threaten me. The office doesn't want to kick her out because they want her money. The manager said it was her first warning. What? This is like the sixth report.

They did tell me to call 911 if I felt my safety was threatened. Just. Get. Her. Out. I didn't violate my lease. I'm sure it's hard to get a smoke friendly environment these days, and I have a lot of sympathy, but dear God just take an edible I'm begging you. I can't just slap a mask on my dog. She has a heart condition.

Can you do it for my baby? She curled up on me last night even though it was uncomfortable and she couldn't go to sleep. She deserves to not breathe secondhand smoke. Can you do it for her?

My neighbor can't. She doesn't like her barking. Dogs bark! That's how they communicate! I try to not let it go on too long and I tell her off it she barks when I think normal people are sleeping! She yelled at my dog!

She just wants some carrot. She thinks barking is an enjoyable pastime.

Baby.

Anyway. I am unwell. How are yall.

[isabeauwolf]

I'm curious. What was everyone's first anime amv's that you watched and what ones stays in your mind rent free?

This Ryou Bakura/ Yami Bakura amv got me into RED back in high school. If ya'll have read the og Yu-Gi-Oh manga and Duelist, ya'll know. If not, let's just say its wayyy darker than the 4kids anime we grew up with and a lot of stuff was censored. All the crap Yami Bukura put poor Ryou through, Yami was super creepy and throwing out death punishments left and right, but the people deserved it. That was even before the card game was introduced!

I know, I know, Inuyasha is basic and over memed to death, but it's still very close to my heart. It was my first anime in middle school and is very close to my heart, say what you will, but I love the dub. I've re-watched the series 5 times before The Final Act aired, I watched it every week both in subbed and dubbed. I've read the manga online years ago after the original anime ended cuz I had to know what happened! I bought the VizBigs and have a couple of the anti-manga which I hope to finish collecting someday, have other merch and games too.

I'll even share that I used the instrumental version of "Dearest" while walking down the isle for my wedding. Why? The song fit my husband and me so well, we had been through so much together and our love only grew stronger. Even while we were apart, we never stopped thinking of each other.

Eternal Snow always hits me with heavy nostalgia. Do I always cry while singing it? Of course, I do. I always come back here in winter to listen to this beautiful song. I remember watching the whole series on YouYube in high school after reading the manga. The story really sticks with you and inspiring, no matter what your dream is.

This amv I think best summarizes Kai Chisaki, Overhaul perfectly as a character. He has such a twisted mind, but that's part of the reason he was such a great villain, and his style/quirk made him such a bad-ass villain.

The way Pops found Kai as a boy, alone, covered in filth and I imagine he was hungry, always made me feel as if we were missing something from his past before the latest chapters came out. He wanted more than anything to replay the man who saved him, rebuilding the Shie Hassaikai's former glory and reputation along with returning people quirkless. Might have saved so many lives who were eventually lost, but at the end of the day, he still choose the darkest route and solution.

"You have no place here", hearing those words from Pops, his father figure, that's probably what finally pushed him to do everything he did. Ignoring Pops wish and taking matters into his own hands, its brief, but it hurt him, he's shocked before recollecting himself and putting Pops into a coma.

Kai’s final scream makes me cry every time because you just know that’s when he realized he’s lost literally everything he ever had, his quirk, the ability to fix Pops, the Shie Hassaikai his only home, and the quirk erasing bullets and serum, his plan that's been pouring so much time and who knows how long working on.

I haven't said it often on here at least, haha. But MDZS is one of my favorite BL anime, danmei, and manhua I've been obsessed with since 2020.

If you haven't watched MDZS, or Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation, I highly recommend it. The world building, music, the characters, the animation and raw feelings it pulls out of you.

Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian's love is only a part of the series, the depth of their feelings cannot be matched by anything after what they’ve gone through together. No boundaries to their relationship and not even death stops their love.

Lan Zhan let go of everything to protect Wei Ying and tried to feel the pain he felt. They went through life and death together. It was literally them against the world. Even though they had no one by their side, they were with each other.

I still have to catch-up with The Untamed... XD I always play their song, "WANGXIAN" before "Mourning for Love."

[tubbytarchia]

Someone asked for other reasons I hate Estonia but there's a lot so I'm making it into a post instead lol

TLDR: very conservative (eg homophobic), expensive living rates and low pay, we get no good stuff, estonians are rude, russians in estonia are rude, domestic abuse rates, estonia is a lame country

I am not claiming that these are exclusive to Estonia, please fuck off if you think that makes my complaints invalid

Estonians are piss conservative (so majorly transphobic, homophobic, anti-abortion etc) (Also racist)

Estonians are fucking rude. There is extremely little common decency like respect for the elderly and junk. Estonians are so quirky because they're so introverted (Estonians very frequently describe Estonians as such) (and often easily aggravated) and then they're SOO introverted that they refuse to even help others. It's not a norm to tip ANYONE or thank workers like bus drivers. I sprained my knee at a store entrance and that shit hurts so I had to keel over for awhile, and yet I felt like I was being a bother by not getting out of the way enough for all the people who couldn't care less. I have so many personal examples but I'll give you my best: My pregnant sister passed out in the middle of a major grocery store only for NO ONE to call for an ambulance until she came to and had to do so herself.

Something I barely ever hear anyone talk about!!! But domestic abuse!! Casual domestic abuse is so normalized that no one ever says anything, a survey from a few years ago found that 1 in 6 Estonians are sexually abused in childhood alone. A survey from this year found that 41% of the women questioned experienced domestic abuse at the hands of their partner. I cannot understate how big of a problem it is that victims just DON'T TALK (and that's not their fault!!!! It's the country's!!!)

About 25% of our population is Russian, and I would not complain about this if 1. Russians living here weren't massive assholes a lot of the time, expecting everyone to speak Russian instead of them learning Estonian or just being fucking respectful (DISCALIMER MY EXPERIENCE AND WHAT I'VE HEARD FROM OTHERS and junk, I'm not generalizing everyone, is this really a racist comment? I seriously do have wayyy more negative experiences with Russians than pleasant, that doesn't mean there aren't decent or nice Russians living here) and 2. if Estonia DIDN'T ENFORCE Russian. I get it, the Russian occupation and whatever shit! But these days you can't even become a good paying DOCTOR with a doctor's degree if you don't also speak Russian

Minimum wage WAS recently increased but the increase was to 4.60USD. While Americans get 7.25USD and I've heard you can get paid like 10USD as a fast food worker too which is crazy to me. Not in Estonia you fucking can't. Wages in general are pretty piss poor and it's often more affordable to just work overseas

Estonia is quaint which is also a plus but to me mostly a minus because I feel so stuck here. Non-Estonians are like "but you have a lot of forests!" like lmao that's the highest possible praise that Estonia can be given. It is incredibly boring here and our highest "mountain" is 318m

The cities are boring. I feel that only two places here can even be called cities, the rest are more like big towns. The capital has some very cool and pretty places but that's about it (ofc Estonia has many cool and pretty locations but compared to other countries? Ughh. Barely any skyscrapers, not many elevated roads or tunnels... all that good stuff)

Our prices are set to become the most expensive in all of Europe!! Local prices have already in some cases doubled in the last year and continue to increase almost monthly, set to increase by another 20% at the start of 2024 lmaoo

Not many big brands. We get some fast food places but no Wendy's or Starbucks or whatever. Nobody wants to invest here, we got Subway recently and they left not even a year later

Not much geek stuff. Estonia has 2 anime stores TOTAL. 4 proper card game stores TOTAL. I'm frankly amazed we even get a singular convention, but we have absolutely no locals. Stores have started selling stuff like Pokemon toys very recently. Even in Finland (overseas neighbor), Pokemon/Digimon/Yugioh was everywhere. And here? Lmao no not ever. Not even ANY school clubs or anything. We get choirs and that's it

Shipping is abysmal. It costs like 10 bucks to send most stuff from Estonia to ANYWHERE in the world, yet it almost exclusively costs 30-50 bucks to ship anything from the US. And shipping fees from even the UK aren't very good either. (Which, again, abysmal accessibility to geek stuff, because people barely ever sell anything in Europe internationally. Mostly US and UK people do, esp because they are the only ones who get any cool stuff)

Local production is expensive as shit because there's little choices because we're still a tiny country. Ofc having your stuff produced in China is always cheaper but then you also gotta wait 3 months for shipping!! Unless you wanna pay 50EUR+ for it of course

Very strict gun laws so I can't go and buy a gun to off myself from this miserable country

[mmonetsims]

ABOUT MY OCS!

i've been putting this off for awhile because i've been wanting to make cute character sheets for them but i realized that, that would be wayyy too time consuming and probably leave me burnt out so... here you go

— questions about them are appreciated!

— feel free to make sims for them! (just dm me, drop smth in my inbox, or @ me!)

PIM ALFARO

traits: outgoing, materialistic, genius

— 28 (in human years), she/her pronouns, 5'4, pisces sun, aries rising, capricorn moon

pim was originally born and lived on the planet sixam! growing up she always felt a little different from others, but could never place it. the people of sixam thrive on comformatity and pim just wasn't for it. after graduating school, and doing lots, and lots of research pim was able to build a ship that would send her to earth. as a shape shifter she was able to take a more humanoid appearance to fit in better. pim moved to san myshuno to chase her dreams! live in a world full of unique strangers and discover lots of fashion. due to her intelligence and confidence she was able to score a job as a lab technician. she's hoping to score a bestie and a boyfriend next.

MARIE BRADSHAW

traits: bookworm, ambitious, loner

— 25, she/her pronouns, 5'7, libra sun, gemini rising, scorpio moon

marie lives her life in logic. it's not often that she strays from that line, but if she does it's usually for her girlfriend; ashton. the two have been dating for a year now, after they accidentally took the same taxi home. marie is studious and serious most of the time and it's rather difficult for her to break out of her shell. she doesn't let the opinions of others get to her, that's for sure. wanting to become a lawyer, she often gets caught up in her studies but always ends up getting pulled out of them somehow.

ASHTON PIERCE

traits: childish, vegatarian, party animal

— 23, she/they pronouns, 5'3, taurus sun, virgo rising, pisces moon

ashton is a vibrant go-getter. she loves bright colors (especially pink lol), and her mind set is completely spontaenous. despite having such a bubbly attitude, ashton grew up as the only child of two rich business exectutives who had more time to spend on worrying about money than they did their own daughter. in high school ashton was known as that popular, cher horowitz-type. not exactly mean but not nice either. after moving onto university and growing the distance from her parents and sorting her issues out, they were able to mellow a bit and become the person they are now.

DESTINY MERCER

— 27, she/her pronouns, 6'3, capricorn sun, cancer rising, libra moon

traits: perfectionist, adventurer, freegan

destiny's height often preceeds her actual personality. she's known as a quiet and agreeable person without a bad bone in her body. now that she's graduated university, she's decided to pursue a career as an architect. in her free time though, she loves traveling and working out. muscles help her not look like a complete twig. since bullying from childhood still makes her feel self-conscience about her body, she's been trying to find the right person for her but she may need some confidence first.

GWEN IKEDA

traits: materialistic, self-assured, loyal

— 22, she/her pronouns, 5'2, taurus sun, sagittarius rising, aries moon

she is a city girl before anything else in her personality. gwen has lived in the city her entire life and she's not about to move now. though she's pretty chill most of the time, it's best not to get on her bad side. gwen is loyal to those who return it but others... not so much. she's also a nightowl, finding skate parks in the middle of the night to skate, while in the daytime she's a waitress trying to find an apartment and move out of her parent's basement.

[genjishimemeda]

@liberifatalis

oh god I have a lot of feelings about it, too much for a simple reply, so let's go. I'm gonna start with the bad and then rise to the good, along with some mixed feelings stuff in the middle, so we end on a high note.

on an objectively bad level, my sweet Jesus this game's combat is a mess. when it's good it's great. the jumps and fluidity bring the advent children stuff to life. but it is painfully hampered by the ATB system being complete molasses. I have to waste time doing jack shit to get it to charge, and often waste my charges because an enemy stunlocked me, dodged, or changed forms before I could get the hit off. I have died mid limit break (you should be invincible IMHO), I have died seconds after a rez, and the canyon between easy and normal difficulty is the mariana trench. I am not a great gamer by any means, and I'm especially not great at ARPGs, but my boyfriend has been watching me play and even he noticed the blatant unfairness.

on a subjective level i'm one of the people who felt misled by the promise of a remake and then it was like haha yeah we REMADE the story! like bruh don't call it a remake then, sheesh. the plot ghosts are really fucking stupid, but to the games credit I can at least ignore them enough to not let it ruin the experience. and then deepground's inclusion in intergrade – let it die please, dirge was a mistake, the designs are ugly, the characters are worse, and the hammer it took to the game's lore is a death knell. if galian and chaos are their ugly redesigns in rebirth imma be mad. finally haha uhh i didn't care for Jessie's further character dev. I wanted to like her and be excited for it but her clinginess and inability to take cloud's clear discomfort seriously made me genuinely uncomfortable.

BUT. the game has some fantastic elements I can't get enough of. it feels alive. it breathes and flows, these are real people with real lives I see wandering the streets, both plateside and beneath it. the extended cast of npcs you interact with, and how you become close to them, makes the awful fallout of the reactor explosions and the plate drop so visceral. I cried when Marlene broke down in front of aerith. I felt that pain so keenly. the characters are so expressive and fully realized, and even though some of the voices suck shit (Zack's and Sephiroth's are awful), I actually have come to quite like Cody Christian's performance as cloud, and I don't know her name but the girl who replaced Tifa does a much better job than Rachel Leigh Cook (which don't get me wrong, I like her, but she phoned in her advent children role so hard). 

I spent wayyy too much time wandering the streets, soaking in the sights and sounds, taking in all the little details. I added so much to my writing lore as a result. this is what I came to the game for, and it solidly delivered. my hype for rebirth is almost entirely to see more character interaction and worldbuilding. I'm gonna eat it like fuckin cake. 

as long as Nomura doesn't Nomura super hard all over the plot and shove characters and things into places they don't belong, I'll be more content. from what I heard he actually wanted to do a more accurate 1:1 remake but got overruled (maybe my ire should be directed at nojima?) so I guess we'll see. there are many opportunities to do things right, and they've at least shown that character depth is one of their strong suits. 

8/10 experience overall so far, but I've been here so long I'm capable of shoving my fingers in my ears and ignoring the stuff I don't like. after all, that's what fandom is for! 

[helloalycia]

hi! just wanted to pop in quickly to tell you that i've finally gotten around to reading both of your alicia clark books! i remember starting the first one a long time ago but never managing to finish it - i reckon it's because i've never actually watched fear the walking dead because, well, i ✨fear✨ the walking dead (sorry for the pun lol but no seriously, i'm too scared to watch such shows, even though alycia's in it 😭) but i always manage to come back to ur account and ur fics (i basically grew up with them) and i'd seen that you'd posted new content about alicia clark, so i just had to give your books another try and i absolutely loved it. i loved alicia & kamille, i loved mía and al and oliver and so many other characters and it really broke my heart when joanie and madison and adam died.

kamille is an amazing character; she is patient and calculated, fearless but also scared. she is hope and warmth and the future alicia always deserved.

i'm not religious by any means, but you still managed to make me understand and respect the hope people gain from having faith in something/someone but also the boundaries and doubts that come along with it (even though you didn't mean for it to take over the story). believing in something also often comes with rules, so it was very interesting for me to read about kamille's inner conflict about breaking them: did they really matter in a world where law and order was gone and safety and trust was always only temporary? and even if the world didn't turn to shit, kamille is a muslim lesbian and a woman of color - as i've said, i'm not religious, but i'm also a queer woman of color and i did grow up in a househould with certain beliefs, so if you don't mind and feel comfortable sharing it, i'd love to hear more about your opinion/thoughts on this matter. only if that's okay with you though, you can skip this part, if you don't want to answer that question of course! i don't wanna pressure you into anything!

but yeah, i really did love kamille (even though she was so fucking stupid and oblivious sometimes 😭). and as i've already said: i've never watched ftwd before but kamille and alicia just somehow made sense to me. i haven't felt this single in a loong time hahahaha 🥲

i believe the ftwd fandom is not very huge and i know that some of your other fics for other fandoms might get more attention, but i really do appreciate it every single time u post a fic about alicia (i mean i appreciate every fic you post but i'm kinda loving alicia clark very much right now).

just wanted to let you know that bc she seems to be one of your favorite characters and you must like writing fics about her. so yeah, if you ever feel like those fics are not being recognized properly; i recognize them. and i very much appreciate them. 🫶��

sorry this message is wayyy longer than i intended it to be haha

firstly can i just say there’s so much to unpack with this but first and foremost, this brought tears to my eyes because it’s such a genuinely sweet and thoughtful message, and it means a lot when someone really delves into what i’ve written and appreciates it as more than fanfiction, so thank you 😭

okay so i love your fear the walking dead pun, really made me laugh 😂 i really appreciate you giving my fics another go as well, especially as someone who doesn’t usually go for scary stuff like that – it means a lot! ♥️

you’re right about the ftwd fandom being tiny haha, it’s a struggle writing stuff when not many engage with it, but thank you so much for letting me know you enjoy my stuff! i think i’ve been writing a lot for Alicia lately because i genuinely just miss her character and there’s a lot to work with in that universe and with her, plus i’m still having withdrawal from the kamille x alicia fic as it was so fun to write and i miss them 😂 you’re right btw - kamille was a dumbass haha but her and alicia felt so real to me and i genuinely forget she’s not in the actual show 😂

again, very grateful you recognise that though – it’s always so touching to know there’s someone out there delving into what i’ve written! as you said about the subtle commentary within the fic about religion and beliefs combatting a world where it isn’t ’needed’ anymore, that was something that i’m glad you picked up on! i feel like i try to include subtleties in my writing on similar more serious themes, rather than just a fic or imagine, so it means a lot someone noticed them :)

in terms of my opinion on the whole queer women of colour and belief system, i’m happy to share! honestly writing the kamille x alicia fics were a little outlet for me as i’m in a similar boat, a pakistani lesbian, and i genuinely face this issue every day, so obviously i can only share my opinion.

as a person of colour yourself, you must understand how it is being viewed in the lgbtq+ community as someone who isn’t white, but i feel like it’s even harder when you’re a follower of a religion, so in my case Islam. But i won’t go into how it is being viewed like this externally because you can see that anywhere. For me, it’s the internal conflict.

i think knowing that i like women and can never feel otherwise makes it hard because it’s always a decision between do i force myself to think and feel differently because of my family? or do i lead my life how i want to? but then that in itself is hard because even though i’ve told myself i’m a lesbian and accepted that, have i really? i don’t share it to anyone other than my friend and sisters. I don’t know how to. And then my religion and beliefs come into play - i genuinely believe God/Allah wouldn’t frown on me for feeling this way because He created me, but other Muslims would see it as a sin and me straying away from religion. But is it really straying if it’s not my choice? Surely my beliefs should be between me and God, not everyone else?

No matter what, believing in something bigger than me and the fundamentals of my religion make me feel calm and centred. I don’t care how many times people say being gay and Muslim is wrong, because it’s not to me. I can be both. And it doesn’t change any of what i believe. Saying that though, my parents put religion first even though they’re not very religious. Family is second to them whereas it’s first for me. Their beliefs shape them and i can’t exist within that if it doesn’t follow their ideals.

It genuinely comes down to perspective, and as much as i tell myself i don’t care what others think, i do. Mostly my parents. If they knew, they’d despise me. And it’s that thought of do i lie forever to keep them in my life? or live my truth? the answer is, i don’t know. My biggest fear is being alone, funnily enough like Kamille, so i don’t know if i’d rather live an unhappy life surrounded by people or a happy life alone.

But yeah - that’s just the base points of my thoughts on the topic, as well as my experience. If you have any more questions or want me to clarify anything, do let me know! the truth is, most of the stuff Kamille fears or worries is a mirror of my life lol. Only difference is, her circumstances don’t make her choose because it’s not a choice, it just is.

Hope that helps and once again, thank you for your kind words! 🥰♥️

[dawnthefluffyduck]

Just got out of class where we had our group critique; can finally post something I've had done for a couple days now 🎉🎉 project details/commentary/funny(?) story under cut because I don't know how to keep things brief

tl;dr: Made some stickers that show things that interest me in Japan for class :) might try to print them later on, if I do then I'll post that too

This was for Digital Art, it's another "draw concepts of a specific location," but I didn't like, draw where I live this time, so I can actually post this one online haha.

The actual instructions were: "Create six 3"x3" stickers that represent parts of a city, country, landmark, or attraction you would like to visit/have visited." I, a typical art student, chose to do Japan, but I didn't really wanna lean into the whole anime thing a lot, partly because I just don't watch it as often as I used to. I wanted to stick with architecture and major landmarks, but buildings are hard to draw repeatedly in a shorter time limit so I ended up drawing some food too. Also, I'm a percussionist, so I wanted to include a taiko drum just cause they're really cool

The lineart itself took the longest since I reeeaaaally wanted to emphasize a hand drawn feeling to the stickers. I felt this was the best way to make all of the stickers match stylistically, aside from general color matching. I couldnt entirely rely on colors to make them match because things like the ramen bowl had wayyy more colors than the buildings/mountains, and the onigiri was mostly one color. Matching the stickers was part of the grading criteria, so after a lot of brainstorming, I ended up deciding to put more attention to detail into the linework than to the color scheme (though I did try to weasel in that orangey red into as much as I could)

Illustrator did not like line style I used, 'cause apparently all those textured pens take a lot more to load than the normal ones (never had that problem in the program I normally use to draw, so it caught me off guard). Halfway into the project my laptop's fan would sound like a jet engine every time I opened the file; needless to say, progress was slowed a bit as the program started to get extremely laggy haha.

I wasn't able to start on the coloring until a few days before the project was due but I was still good on time . Ultimately ended up having to pull a near all nighter though, because Illustrator crashed in the middle of the coloring process (guessing bc of the lineart), which got rid of hours worth of work :D so cool, love that

Got it done, walked into class on Monday w/ three hours of sleep ready for critique, but five or so other people didn't finish theirs on time so prof ended up extending the due date anyway :D :D so cool very awesome

Can't really be mad though. I would've been happy if that courtesy was extended to me if I were in that spot, so I just went home and used the extra time to knock out some homework lol.

The extra time was worth it too cause everyone's turned out so cool :D wish I could share those too cause I loved looking at all of them during critique today

I said I just got out of class when I wrote this but I took so long to finish the post that two hours have passed since then,,

[riverstardis]

series 32 episode 36:

ethan suggesting the contest between bea and eddie of who can treat the most minors. eddie says it's not fair bc ethan's bea's mentor so he asks alicia to be on his team... and so it begins :/

ethan doesn't look too pleased at alicia being involved

eddie steals the wheelchair bea got for her patient like "all's fair in love and war" and ethan goes and finds her another and alicia's like "very gallant of you" and he's like "yeah. something you might teach eddie perhaps" and she's like "it was banter, ethan. remember? banter?" it sounded like he was bantering back to me??? hmm maybe there was a hint of resentment or something in his voice? like he was conflicted about bantering back because he still feels hurt about rage in resus? idk but either way it's not like he couldn't tell that what she said was meant to be banter

ethan and connie's friendship <3

david telling noel and lousie he's bought a bike so the "private parking mafia" aren't going to get a penny out of him "if we all rode bicycles, they would be bankrupt" "not exactly practical for someone like robyn though" "yeah where do you suggest she put charlotte, in a basket?" "yeah, iN a BaSkEt?" okay louise and noel saying basket so close together just made me notice that noel's northern. i'm often aware of hearing the other characters' accents but i hadn't noticed that i'd never noticed noel's because it's similar to mine so i just can't hear it lmao

alicia tells ethan that bea's "lucky to have you back on the shop floor. that's where you do the most good." and he goes "or the least damage, depending on your view." and she looks annoyed and he's like "sorry, that came out wrong. i am happier just being a doctor." WHYY is she acting like he's in the wrong for not pretending rage in resus never happened?????

she says "yeah i don't think manager ethan would've had the time to help bea like you did today" and he gets a text and she looks even more annoyed???? he says he's gonna go and check on bea and she voices some annoyance and he's like "i wasn't walking away from you then" and she's like "well it felt like it!" HUH????? what on earth is her justification for acting like this???? like yeah obviously he's not totally cool with her and that's what she's picking up on in his demeanour but he's not being rude to her or even avoiding her anymore, he's being perfectly pleasant but she's trying to make him feel bad for... having feelings???

"look, i'm not expecting it to be all hearts and flowers, but i expect us to be able to share the same space!" "yeah, we can, we are" she continues to look angry so he carries on "it's mrs beauchamp, sorry she's losing a friend but she can't do anything about it and well it's awful isn't it?" "yeah. i think losing a friend is the pits." consider, alicia, that if you hadn't been stabbing him in the back, you wouldn't have lost a friend! don't say that to him like it's his fault! i don't think this is really very in character for alicia. i mean it sort of is, because it is kinda how she acted during the love triangle with cal too but here it's just been taken wayyy too extreme. like at least with the cal stuff, while she didn't seem to understand why ethan was upset with her, she wasn't completely acting like it was his fault!

"can we have a truce?" "no, a truce means we're enemies choosing not to fight anymore, i don't wanna just tolerate each other ethan we used to be mates!" you used to be a bit more than mates lol "i would like to be mates" "but?" "no, no buts" ethan's too good🥺🥺🥺 urgh so i've seen multiple alicia fans saying that she deserved better than ethan and i just???? SHE deserved better??? don't get me wrong i love her but she was the cause of like 99% of the problems they had in their relationship😭 i get that it's just cause they don't like ethan so ofc they don't like them together but why make shit up???

lmao david's helping a girl with psychosis and explaining to her mum how to help her and then bea asks if he converted from psych nursing like charlie and he's like "...we'll go with that for now"

noel tells bea that the contest is very close so it would be a good time to pick an easy patient to finish on but she would rather focus on getting to the bottom of what's wrong with one of her existing patients

alicia's giving eddie a kind of pep talk and ethan's listening in the background and smiling🥺 then when eddie's left ethan goes "d'you know what? we are awesome mentors" and she's like "yes we are!" sjsdjsdfhj and just like that they're friends again

LMAO alicia suggests they just go halves on drinks tonight because "there should be no losers" and ethan goes "says the girl who's about to lose" sjsjjffj i love him "i've just bought a house!" "well, i've just been demoted. i take it i'm gonna get to see this house at some point?" "yeah, whenever you like. there's actually a really nice italian at the end of my street..." "yeah? what's his name?" *they laugh* "you see i haven't forgotten banter. clearly" SJSJDJJKDF I LOVE THEMMMM I WANT THEM BACK😩😩😩😩 y'know someone on twitter said what if they're both at robyn's funeral. that's never going to actually happen on screen but still👀👀👀👀

bea's doing a good job🥺

lmao ethan says he'll buy all the drinks and alicia's like "did me and eddie win?" and he's like "well, it doesn't matter does it. to be fair, you have just bought a house" so basically yes they did win

alicia suggests they just stay for one drink with the gang, the implication being they would then go somewhere just the two of them, possibly back to her house, and ethan agrees and says he's missed them but then gets a text from leigh-anne inviting him round. he had DEFINITELY completely forgotten about leigh-anne up til then sjsjdjfj😭😭😭 i guess that shows how he didn't really have actual feelings for her, it was more just circumstance

he tells alicia that he can't go for drinks and she's like "sorry, have i done something wrong?" he says she's done nothing wrong and she asks what's more important all of a sudden and he tells her he's been seeing someone and apologises. he sounds incredibly genuine, he's VERY sorry that he's been seeing someone😭😭 he seems rather annoyed with himself. she's like "don't worry. ethan come on it's absolutely fine. we've both... moved on, i've got a new house, you've got a new partner, it's absolutely fine. it's fine." oh bby the more you say it's fine the less believable you sound😭 poor alicia she's probably thinking she misread his signals but she definitely didn't! i'm so mad how every single time they have a chance together something else gets in the way! every. fucking. time. starting with alicia finding out her dad was cheating

also notice how she says partner not girlfriend👀👀 they're bi4bi that's canon to me idc

aw he gives her some money for the drinks and she takes it and turns to face away from him and she sounds like she's about to cry :(((

alicia tells bea she's going to get "absolutely mort" which bea tells eddie and rash means she's going to drink more than is humanly possible. noooo don't do that please just go home!!!!

eddie says that he requested a recount and bea actually won and bea's like "i was gonna give you that little victory. so that when i win the international trauma course gig you have something to cling to." HA

lmaoo david's still trying to convince louise to get a bike "well apart from the obvious health benefits, i now see things i've never noticed before. it takes my breath away!" "that's the carbon monoxide poisoning." sjsdjdjf aren't you more exposed to carbon monoxide when you're driving rather than cycling though?

aww connie's friend left her a fish called mrs b. charlie's like "quite flattering really, having something named after you" and she's like "no, robyn calling her baby charlotte is flattering-" SJSJDJFJF

urgh urgh urgh alicia's sort of flirting with eddie and he says he thought she and ethan were together and she's like "that is old news." and he's like "how old?" and she goes "er... about an hour and a half." noooo😭😭😭

connie giving herself an echo in her office :(

arghhh alicia says they're going to get kicked out soon and eddie says that normally he wouldn't hesitate to ask if she wanted to go for a drink somewhere else but as she pointed out earlier he's a gentleman so he's happy to be patient. there is actually something slightly sinister in his "i'm happy to be patient" but she must be too drunk to notice. or maybe i can only pick up on it because i know. alicia says patience is overrated and they kiss, which rash sees, and then leave together :(

[littleprincessfawn]

07/06/24

I don't feel as alone since I 'met' him, and I can tell myself I'm silly all I like, I can crush on him all I like, but there's no denying we do have an actual real connection. That notion scares me quite a lot. Real connection is scary. I feel more comfy with fantasy! Because if you let someone in, if you acknowledge they actually are getting close to you, that's... that's just. I don't know what that is, I so rarely actually do it.

Even with people I've dated for 5 years, (and I can acknowledge that this is very sad) I don't let them get truly close to me. This isn't about romance or sex btw this is about intimacy, about letting someone know me. The truth about me is that when I get hurt it's only ever on the surface. I do feel it, I do feel sad when breakups or fights etc happen with friends or lovers. But it doesn't truly touch me. There's a part of me deep down that remains entirely unaffected.

I always have masks and walls and guards and sentries and alarms and tripwires all set up. But with him, I often feel him very close to me. Like he's close to being by my side, somehow. Like we are sitting on a bench in silence together, comfortably. And it's not like he snuck in. It's more like I just naturally felt safe with him so I let him closer and closer and the parts where normally he or I would ruin it we didn't ruin it?

I am weird towards him, yes, but I'm not destructive towards him. I'm actually a lot less self-destructive in general since his influence on me, now that I think about it. That's horrifying to me. I mean it's good, obviously, but... what the hell.

It's okay though, I still have so many walls. I think the thing with him is that there's no real good reason to keep him away, because he's not a threat. He's just genuinely not a bad person, would never be a bad person, would never intentionally be cruel to me, even if he disliked me, he just wouldn't do that, he wouldn't act dishonourably.

Yikes. Starting to feel incredibly grateful that he never 'liked me back' because if it's this much 'just' being friends (that makes it sound like I'm being dismissive of friendship, I'm not, friendship is important) it would be wayyy too much for me as something more. I wonder if he ever feels it too though, am I somewhat close to him as well? I think I might be. Mega yikes. It's very alarming. To have genuine feelings, I mean.

Underneath my 'crush' my 'love' my cute loyalty to him (and I am cutely loyal to him)... there's some emotion that's very real there, and I'm not sure what it is because to be honest I'm not very in touch with my true emotions because I've spent my entire life covering my true emotions up, not experiencing them really, and just having surface/fake emotions. Fake emotions sounds bad and sounds like I'm intentionally lying to people, it's not like that, it's just... as I said, I allow myself to 'feel' emotions, and am often described by friends as very passionate and emotional, but again, they don't actually touch me, they are more like clothes that I wear.

Because I want to experience the world and be like a real person, but I'm so broken that I can't really do it, but that's not fair on myself I'm not 'broken' really, I'm just... hidden.

He borders on close to finding me, sometimes. I think the feeling I am developing for him might be described as 'caring'?

Okayyyy back to pretending!

[blogfromthedead]

May 23rd, 2024.

Hi, Evie here.

It's been a while. I didn't end up posting on my birthday like I had promised. It's kind of funny, the first commitment I make to this blog and I immediately turn away from it. So in the future I will not hold myself to committing. Sorry if the gap in time was concerning. It's not time for that, not yet at least, so I'm okay physically.

It's an awkward realization I've come to realize that I feel significantly less lonely… when I am alone. with no commitments to others, with no one near me or in my ears. Only total isolation. It's not always like this, but as of recent I've been turning down most invitations to hang out. Of course there's been a few exceptions, one I'd like to talk about in a moment, but I think this time alone has been and will forever be important to me. I don't know why. I don't know if I like it either. But… I feel happy.

I wonder if this craving for isolation is because I don't feel truly 'around'. I feel alienated or I can feel the weight of a perception of me that truthfully isn't there. It's asphyxiating. I think there are maybe two people in this world that I am able to let down my guard, if only a bit, and relax fully in comfort. We'll call them A and S. I met S first, pretty soon after my break-up with my ex's in a public social hub for trans people. We where both new to this community and had immediately shared interest in a funny cartoonish FPS. We kind of hit it off immediately. S is nonbinary, uses they/them pronouns. They've been an important figure in my life since my break up, and probably the first person I felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable with. They accepted me when it felt like the world couldn't. They're an important voice in my life and I treasure them very much. For the longest time I wanted a 'best friend'. I think I found one in S.

Oddly enough, a similar story is told with A. I met A through said cartoonish FPS. I was originally flirting with A's friend when we had met due to them having a pretty funny username. I was also admittedly going through the woes of a break up and losing a large portion of both physical and mental intimacy, so it leaked out into my social life when I met people for awhile. So after accidently flustering A's friend, they both saw me as an interesting person and soon enough I found myself on their friends list. Soon enough I was in their semi-private group-chat.

A is also trans, uses she/her pronouns. At first I wasn't really sure what to make of A. She was anxious to meet new people, it was written all over her when she met me. She was often blunt with her feelings, and often lacked tact. She very much spoke her mind and it could often times upset those around her, although I never mind this about her. I like the honesty she provides, and I guess that allowed for me to take an interest in her. Soon enough, after awhile of bonding, our relationship soon reflected how I felt about S. I feel safe and comfortable to be at least a little vulnerable with her. She's an incredibly intelligent person (even works for NASA, what the fuck.) but also someone who tries to look out for everyone in her own way. She can be pretty hard on herself at times, wayyy too hard. She's not perfect by any means, but I hope in our friendship I can act as a voice of reason when she doubts herself.

Only around these two, do I not feel alienated or lonely. They both mean a lot to this lonely girl. I want to make more friends like them, and preferably not online. That being said, I do actually have a few IRL mutuals but… my relationship with them is awkward to say the least. They're all friends with both of my ex's, and I had met them all through one of them. Me being me, I don't want to harm or strain either of my ex's relationships, so I've inadvertently removed myself 'as a friend'. I know this behavior isn't fair to myself or them. I know.

I've always been self-destructive. I am glad I can realize it now, but it feels much like watching a car accident in real time. You can clearly see the cars collide, or maybe even have the precognition to know that they where going to before hand. But the cars will collide, at least for now. I mean, this is a blog written by a person who wants to die and is planning to. Can't expect too much reason I suppose.

For today, I'd like to talk about one of those IRL mutuals. J, he/him. J is a large boisterous person. Both literally and figuratively. Guys like almost 7 feet tall, and his laughter will permeate an entire room by itself. He's a big softie and maybe a little ignorant at times but I do cherish these things about him. Recently J had invited me to hang out and get some food. I felt like this would be a nice way to get out of the room and out of my house, so I obliged. It was wonderful. We got some cheap pizza from a local halal restaurant and relaxed at a park. Unexpectedly, he broke out a heart to heart with me. The chasm I had made with him and the others was a noticeable one, and it felt good to know that it was noticed. It also helped me realize the guilt I had with my actions. I know I am being unfair, but he didn't make me feel like I was.

Genuine sympathy and empathy for me. I'm… not familiar with that and yet J had displayed it for me very suddenly. We weren't necessarily close before this either. Most of our time previously was spent playing video games and talking about silly topics strung around by whatever was talked about at the time in that group. Needless to say I was shocked he reached out to me, asked me how I was doing, and if I was ok.

Given the nature of this blog, it is easy to deduce that I am in fact not okay. I am aware that I am a very mentally unwell person but I do not want to make that anyone else's problem. I did air out a few of my thoughts in regards to my ex's and opened up about my reservations and cause of distance. It felt fair to do so. He understood, he accepted it all. I did not say much more past that, and on the surface I still appear 'normal' in a way. I wonder if I will ever find somebody that I can be completely bare with.

Am I yearning for love? Probably. That's probably what this is. I've learned quite a bit about myself in these past 6 months. I no longer had a relationship to hide myself in. No reason to keep up the façade now. I still very much struggle being vulnerable with somebody. One day I will peel the egg, so to speak.

It feels great to write these blogs again.

That's all for today I think.

Thanks for stopping by if you see this, and I hope things are going well for you.

Have a great day. Have a great night.