#// not that im saying im completely free from getting triggered still because it's a process and being aware of it is the first step and

[m0e-ru]

formal apology to everyone who depicts iznmi fem presenting and my brain explodes it'sok peace and love on the planet earth <- guy who realizes theyve been projecting too hard on blorbo and had to take a few years to realize that and separate themself from the other and look at it at a perspective that they felt something was wrong with themself but it will be okay peace and love on the planet earth

[bubblegumnnebula]

Saying just teenagers feel this way and immediately shutting down any discussion comes of a bit infantilizing. Even so teens are also entitled to opinions. Rape fantasies are normal thats true, but no expert says to actually go out and find someone to roleplay it with or share them on the internet where anyone, including real rapists and creeps can read it and get off on it. Exposure therapy is meant to be done by therapists not your self proclaimed sadistic partner. You can heal from sa without using self harming coping mechs that force you to get turned on instead of triggered by it. and creating dark themes in your work does not indicate your moral but the way you you do it can definitely say something about you. Compare outlast, a disgustingly gorey horror game thats still really good and well done even with its themes of sa, mutilation, mental illness to that one horror game that came out on steam where the entire plotline is just raping women of your choice💀

I like certain dark themes but to be fair the entire market has been saturated with horribly written rape and incest fantasies veiled under dark romance💀 and with the increase in AI porn, even done by young boys of their fellow classmates. Im all for teens stating their discomfort around certain sexual topics.

I really hate to be the one to tell you this, but rape rarely has anything to do with being horny or getting off. Rape is about power, it’s about taking control over someone and taking away someone’s bodily autonomy.

The fact you don’t realize that proves even further that you lot are too immature to be in this conversation.

Even further, I can guarantee with 100% certainty a rapist isn’t going on the internet to read FANFICTION about rape/sa, they’re going out and actually doing it. They’re going into incel forums and talking about someone (most likely a woman) is inferior to them, and how they’ve “gotten out of line” and “needs to remember their place” (again, taking control. Power. Not getting off)

A rapist isn’t going to bother reading or writing a random fanfiction with dark content, they’re going out and actually raping people.

Yeah, you can dislike it, but keep that shit to yourself. Block the tags. I’ve had them blocked for years and completely moved on with my life. What people write in the internet is none of my business (because shocker!! it has no effect on real life people) , and it shouldn’t be any of yours.

Again, there are no victims and no one is being harmed when someone writes a non-consent fanfiction about a random ass fictional character

A lot of woman have rape fantasies, even if they aren’t victims. Spoiler alert: when someone is performing a rape fantasy or writing a non-consent story, the person is STILL VERY MUCH CONSENTING TO BE A PART OF THE SITUATION

The fact you likened AI porn -which someone has lost consent to their bodily autonomy, just like rape- to writing fantasies of fictional scenarios involving fictional people is frankly disgusting and you should be ashamed.

Why the fuck do you care so much about what people are doing in their free time if it isn’t harming anyone. Get a job. Get a hobby. Read a book. Help a child. Pick some flowers.

Better yet, take your unwarranted moralistic outrage and help actual victims. The fact you never mentioned victims or a systemic problem outside of harmless fantasies proves you don’t actually care about victims, you just don’t like dark content because it makes you uncomfortable. Which is fine, but don’t disguise your dislike by saying dark content is morally or ethically wrong when no one is being harmed in the process. Just be uncomfortable, maybe rant about it to a couple of mutuals in DMs, block the tags, and move on.

[northern-passage]

hey!! i know you said the stuff about vel rot will be explored further along in the game, so feel free to ignore if im just asking for spoilers lol, but i just replayed the demo and im SO curious. from the flashback, and noel mentioning how hunters can be weird about it, i take it it’s not widely/openly talked about even among hunter circles? is that more because its, like, a delicate/sensitive subject what with the dying and all, or is there shame around it bc you had to mess up and leave the vel open to cause it? also, is this a very rare thing to happen, or just Not Talked About? noel knew you were sick immediately — is that because you were really far along, or is it detectable before it actually starts to ‘rot’ you? also, is there no way to cut yourself off completely from the vel as a general failsafe/hard reset, or is the process more of an external ‘i am opening/closing the vel in this specific area but am always left Open in general due to hunter shenanigans’? if you could pinpoint the specific time/location you left it open, would you be able to go back and fix it, or is it just about the length of time youve been open and the specifics don’t matter?

no worries!

so, to start, vel rot is something that can be dormant for years before it suddenly triggers and manifests, or it can be something that happens over a matter of days. it's varied and there's no order to it, it just happens however which way it decides to happen.

for the hunter in the flashback, it was a case of it being dormant for many years; as for the MC, it's not something i have set in stone - i suppose it can be up to you. it could have been Keld, or it could have been another job and it was just that Keld triggered it, and then the fight with the wraith exacerbated it. the Rot is not detectable until it's been "triggered."

and you're right, it's not really talked about, there is a lot of shame around the Rot because of the idea that it is the hunter's fault. it's also a topic that the Order... not necessarily forbids, but definitely doesn't like it being talked about, which leads to more confusion/uncertainty around it all.

for our hunter specifically, the few other hunters at the stronghold between Keld and the start of the game probably DID sense something was wrong. however, there's a kind of unspoken pact that would keep any of them from saying something. most hunters are going to want to go out in a blaze of glory... there are a lot of hunters that had the rot but never let it be known because they got themselves killed first. i imagine the other hunters at the stronghold had the feeling that you were going to take this job, and you were going to let it kill you, before the rot could fully take hold.

so it's not necessarily rare... but it IS rare to see it get to the extent it did for the hunter in the flashback.

and this kind of "pact" mentality is a little different in the north and the south, though it wasn't always - we'll explore the differences in hunter culture later on in the game.

now i'm going to use this little drawing again to show exactly what's happening:

i explained before that magic exists in the living realm and that there are non-hunter mages. sometimes i like to explain it as "the force" and you can see that all humans have a connection to the force/magic in the living realm. i like to imagine it as little invisible tendrils that connect to the person's chest/soul/spirit/heart & are like a muscle that can be exercised and strengthened. the Vel stops the "tendrils" of non-hunters from expanding beyond the living realm, as well as containing the living realm itself.

with hunters, their "tendrils" expand beyond the vel, and even if the vel is closed, they're still connected - think like the roots of a tree. the Vel essentially functions as an anchor.

when a hunter opens the Vel, imagine something like when popeye eats spinach (lol).... the tendrils lighting up and channeling strength and/or magic into the hunter. the Vel works almost like a sieve here, to make sure that whatever is being pulled from the other side doesn't completely overwhelm the hunter.

i'll put this next part under a break (because it's getting long) and also because this is kinda spoiler territory so read at your own risk :-)

Noel's explanation isn't exactly completely correct, but the reality is that hunters don't really understand what the rot is, and the Order itself pushes the idea that the fault is with the hunter. they want you to believe it's the hunter, not the Vel - not the practice itself that is the problem...

the supposed understanding is that when you close the Vel, it "cleanses" the hunter's "tendrils" from whatever they had pulled in from the other side. if you don't do it properly, it's your fault for not cleansing yourself & that's how you get the rot. however, this is simply just. Not True. the reason that hunters' eyes change color like they do is because their "tendrils" and their physical bodies are being affected by the Vel constantly. whenever you pull something from the other side, it doesn't just go away when you close the Vel. there is always Something swirling around within a hunter that shouldn't be there. you are always connected to the Vel, and closing it doesn't actually change that fact. that's why hunters can sense each other and other creatures (like the wraith), because they can sense each other through the Vel.

vel rot happens typically because the Vel itself just sucks - i explained... somewhere... that when the gods made the Vel it was a half-assed effort, mainly because they wanted to ensure their ability to pass through the other realms wouldn't be affected. there are a couple of creatures, alongside the gods, that can pass through - dragons & giants being two main ones that no longer exist, and another one that we will see in game and i don't want to spoil just yet :-)

so it's less to do with the hunter not closing the Vel properly (though this CAN be a part of it) and just that the Vel doesn't function properly and things that shouldn't get through... get through.

think of it like an invasive species, or i guess the easiest comparison would be if you were to suddenly go to a new world where you can still breathe the air, and there's water and life there, so you could survive... but there's always the risk of alien diseases and viruses, which you have no immunity against. imagine every time the hunter opens the Vel they're breathing that air or drinking that water, which is technically safe, but there's also always going to be an incredible risk that you could catch an alien illness.

that's essentially what is happening but... in an abstract way? hahaha. it's not something i've super agonized over or bothered to try and explain completely in a "scientific" way, i guess. i enjoy the vagueness and lack of understanding around the Rot and the Vel in general, and it's something that always bothers me in horror/fantasy/sci-fi media when a concept is over-explained or that the creator feels the need to explain at all. i enjoy open endings and vague explanations and the idea that we just won't ever really understand what happened here.... but it was something awful.

as for some of your suggestions on how to fix it... you're onto something, is all i will say...

[alexiaugustin]

okay i wanna talk about this again because im honestly still not over how damn representing and wonderful druck's approach to alcohol and specifically teens that grew up with an alcoholic in their family is. at the beginning zoe and nora were kind of shown to be the complete opposite of each other regarding the way they view alcohol. for zoe it definitely served as some kind of coping mechanism while at the same time she probably just wanted to properly belong to her friend group because her friend group was a very important part of her life and also a distraction from her home life. despite the fact that she partied and drunk alcohol zoe managed to draw a clear line between her and her mother. for her their mum was an irresponsible alcoholic who let her and her sisters down time amd time again while she saw herself as a normal teenager who just wanted to belong somewhere and therefore did everything her friends did too.

then on the other side there's nora who couldn't make that kind of distinction. for her alcohol was just a generally bad thing she was trying to avoid at all costs due to the childhood trauma she has from growing up with an alcoholic mother. you can see every emotion people like nora who can't make that distinction when confronted with alcohol go through portrayed in her season (uncomfortableness, relief, acceptance, anger). starting with the first friday clip of her episode she doesn't has a problem with the beer they bought for zoe's party but as soon as constantin and ismail start whining about the fact that there's no stronger alcohol she completely shuts down. her smile fades& she feels uncomfortable because she a) doesn't want to be confronted with alcohol and b) doesn't want to explain herself since she wants to keep up her facade that everything is alright so she just chooses to ignore their questions.

then there's the clip where she meets up with mailin, ava and fatou and looks so relieved that they just accept the fact that she doesn't drink without having to hear some stupid comments or having to answer any questions about it (the fact that she's so relieved also clearly shows that there definitely is a pressure to drink within the instas group). the difference between the cashqueens and the instas are that the instas are partying and drinking very excessively and also get wasted regularly which reminds her of her mum while the cashqueens just drink sometimes and never too much which makes them responsible for her and she's comfortable hanging out with them even if they drink.

the clip where her anger is very realistically portrayed is when nora is already down and just wants to rest and zoe brings over the instas to drink and nora just loses it because she doesn't understand how after everything that happened with their mum zoe can still bring those people over to their home to drink with them. so she downright says "finally alcoholics back in our home" and slams the door shut (god the way i relate to her anger)

and then when she gets drunk for the first time as a coping mechanism and then hurts fatou in the process of that and completely loses herself she can't help but immediately feel like that she failed herself and that she's just like her mum now. because she might still be able to see a difference between other people who drink (the instas who are alcoholics just like her mum to her vs. the cashqueens who just drink once in a while and are responsible to her) but she cannot make that distinction for herself. for her this is her final breaking point because the one thing she always feared the most was to become an alcoholic just like her mum.

and now in season six you can see that both of the machwitz sisters have grown and already manage to see things more nuanced. the fact that they mentioned that zoe doesn't drink anymore yesterday is not a coincidence. i guess that this was triggered by the fact that she saw nora, the person she would have probably expected it the least from, completely lost when she got drunk. that night was horrible for the both of them but i think that was zoe learned from it is that alcohol can mess with you really quickly and she wants to be more careful now and stop that excessive drinking. for her character it would imo make a lot of sense if later on she started drinking alcohol again just in a way more careful way. and now we have nora who talked to josh in such a calm way about him getting drunk last night. she doesn't immediately categorize him as an alcoholic even though he was totally wasted because she herself experienced that you van lose control over yourself so fast even when that wasn't your intention. she even tells him that he can get wasted if he wants (so she's not condescending at all!) as long as he doesn't do it near her because that's still triggering for her. both nora and zoe grew so much and it's such a huge step for them that they managed to break free from their own believes to understand and accept other people who drink / don't drink better. that writing means the world to me and is just so damn good👏👏

[prettywordsyouleft]

The Catch

Prompt: #199 for anon – “Sorry if I made you cry.”

Anonymous said:

Hi! I don’t know if I did this right, but can I request for the game #199 with JB (got7) please and thank you❤️

Pairing: Im Jaebum x reader

Genre: fluff

Warnings: there is a glossed over sex scene

Word count: 1633

Falling for Jaebum happened far too easily. The first meeting had left you wanting more and apparently it had been the same for him, the man gravitating towards a space in your heart that he claimed within mere weeks of knowing him.

You decided you would fall in love with him, and were on the fast track to doing so.

But something made you hesitate, and it had to do with how easy everything was.

“Surely, there’s a catch,” you murmured as you shifted closer to Jaebum after a delicious meal and night out at the movies. His arm was effortlessly wrapped around you and he glanced down, smiling at you despite the curiosity within his eyes. You grinned. “This is going all too well.”

“Should it not?”

“Well, I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate that it is,” you commented, knitting your brows together as you tried to think of how to word yourself.

“There should be a catch,” Jaebum agreed a moment later. He held up his free hand and started counting his points with his fingers. “You’re funny, gorgeous, passionate, and when we kiss-”

Blushing, you reached out to grab his hand as he chuckled. “The list for you is just as long.”

“Is it?”

“Must I tell you?” you asked, leaning towards his head that had lowered just enough for you to reach his lips. Even kissing had you working together naturally without any awkward moments.

After stealing your breath away, Jaebum rested his forehead on yours. “Tell me more at mine?”

Nodding, you couldn’t help but grow excited at the prospect of this next step in your relationship. Maybe the catch was him himself. You had gotten lucky to have reeled him in thus far, and frankly, you weren’t about to let him go.

That was apparent by the way you held his hand on the trip to his apartment, and all the way to the front door. Jaebum then scratched at his head shyly. “I uh, wasn’t planning on any visitors.”

“It’s good we chose your place and not mine, I’m certain I have dirty laundry on my floor,” you confessed to ease his worries and Jaebum grinned before putting in the code to open the door.

Passion blinded your ability to take in his apartment. As soon as the door clicked shut behind you both, hands moved just as fast as your mouths did, moans leaving you as he hoisted you up into his arms, carrying you along to what you presumed to be his bedroom. And if you had already thought everything within your relationship had been amazing, you hadn’t been ready for the mind-altering sex that you had that night.

Nor, were you prepared for the stuffiness of your nose and the tears in your eyes when you were done expressing your adoration for one another.

Jaebum frowned lightly. “Are you okay?”

“Huh?”

“You’re crying, Y/N,” he mentioned softly, reaching to wipe away the tears that had seemingly fallen down your cheeks. You blinked rapidly as his dark gaze regarded you. “Sorry was I…?”

“No!” you exclaimed, shaking your hands repeatedly. “No, I enjoyed every moment with you.”

Jaebum still didn’t relax. “I’ve never had a partner cry after sex.”

“I’m not normally one to do so either. My nose just feels really stuffy.”

“Are you feeling unwell?” he wondered, sitting up and half out of the bed in a panic, evidently trying to think of what to give you.

“I don’t think so,” you murmured, taking his hand and stopping him from leaving you. “Hold me?”

Smiling, despite the concern still within his eyes, Jaebum slipped back under the covers and pulled you to his chest, sighing in content as he stroke at your hair repeatedly.

Soon, whatever worries you were having melted away and you fell asleep, completely unaware of what had triggered your reaction in the first place.

However, you were quick to discover it in the morning light. Slowly sitting up, you were aware of several things. Your eyes hurt and were sore to the touch. And your nose was incredibly stuffy.

This would be the catch.

Of course, you would have caught a cold and be embarrassingly sick the morning after sleeping with Jaebum for the first time. If the world could swallow you up whole now, you would have gladly accepted.

Except, as you sat up and took in Jaebum’s belongings, your gaze faulted on something in the corner of his room.

Oh no.

Just then, whilst you were dealing with the turmoil of your discovery, languid kisses began being littered over your bare arm until Jaebum shifted enough to reach the side of your neck. “I could get used to waking up like this.”

“Huh?” you breathed, cringing at how stuffy you sounded.

It was enough to remove the sleep from his eyes, Jaebum soon narrowing his gaze on you. “Y/N, are you...”

“We have a problem,” you explained, quickly covering your mouth and nose as you sneezed. Jaebum immediately felt your forehead and you shook your head against his hand. “I’m allergic to you.”

“To me?” he echoed and you shook your head rapidly, feeling your cheeks grow warm at your mix up.

“To your home.”

“I’m not following.”

Pointing to the cat stand in the corner of the room, you sighed. “I’m allergic to the owner of that.”

“Owners,” Jaebum lamented, and rubbed at his face before laughing bitterly. “You’re allergic to cats?”

“Horribly. I can’t believe I didn’t realise it last night when I started to have all the symptoms. I guess I was too love-drunk by what happened between us.”

Jaebum’s lips slowly curled up. “Love-drunk?”

“Oh, uh-”

“Can you take something for your allergies?” he continued, brushing your hair away from your face.

Nodding, you smiled. “I have medication for it.”

“So you’re not allergic to me.”

“Just your furbabies.”

“Well, they are a part of me,” he said and you nodded.

“I wouldn’t expect you to think differently about them just because I’m allergic.”

Jaebum leaned in to kiss you briefly. “No, but I can make sure to limit things to help you be around me. It’s the catch we were looking for, right?”

You smiled. “Right. Besides, there’s always my home.”

“Well, when you put it like that,” he murmured sensually, and then scrunched his face up at you as he pulled away. “Babe, your nose.”

“Oh!” Wiping at it quickly, you then clasped a hand to your head and laughed desperately. “I’m a mess.”

“Thankfully at your house, you won’t have to worry about this.”

“So next time we meet up, do you want to come over?”

Jaebum nodded. “I’m serious about us. What did you say before? I’m love-drunk about us.”

Smiling, you couldn’t wait to enjoy further intimacy with Jaebum, and once you were medicated and in your own home, you’d have no runny nose and red eyes to hold you back from doing so.

Alas, it was Jaebum’s turn to react though.

“Wait, you’re allergic to dogs?” you breathed incredulously, watching your dog Nero bounce around your boyfriend who was trying his best not to touch him. “I can’t believe this.”

“I’m not as bad as you, I don’t think,” he mumbled, smiling at Nero’s energy and then looked at you. “But yeah, I’m allergic to dogs.”

“Do you want to go home then? I don’t want you to-”

Kissing you with a hunger that wasn’t meant for the kitchen, your thought process stopped entirely. And then Jaebum sniffled. “Okay, so maybe there’s more to it than I thought.”

You noticed his watery eyes and couldn’t help but laugh. “Sorry if I made you cry.”

“Well, we did say everything was going too smoothly between us.”

“There had to be an obstacle somewhere along the line,” you concluded, fishing around in your purse before presenting some medication. “Do you take this brand?”

“At least we can commiserate like this, huh?” Taking the medicine and the water you offered him, Jaebum then moved back into your space. “I’m not very attractive right now, am I?”

“I mean, you’re definitely more humanlike. Before, I was certain the Gods had sculpted you themselves.”

Laughing, despite how blocked up he sounded, Jaebum then shook his head. “That was cheesy but I love it – I love you.”

“I love you too,” you responded, grinning with how easily it rolled off the tongue. Jaebum’s expression mirrored yours. “Even if my dog makes you cry.”

“And my cats’ hair makes your nose itch.”

“Do you think we can be together for a long time?” you wondered as Jaebum leaned in closer to you.

“Maybe we’ll grow immune to our allergies.”

“And if we don’t?” you countered, brushing his hair away from his face.

Jaebum laughed. “Then it looks like I’ll be taking medication to be around your dog.”

“It’s a small price to pay since everything else is perfect, right?”

Kissing you, Jaebum nodded. “Besides, we’ve both seen each other looking disgusting after an allergic reaction now. If that doesn’t put us off, nothing will.”

“I happen to like cats a great deal,” you told him with a smile and Jaebum laughed.

“Your dog is pretty cute too.”

“As cute as me?”

Jaebum scooped you up into his arms as you giggled. “Let’s see if after making love if I’m crying like you did or not.”

“Hey! That was because of my allergies!”

“Hm, well for me, it might because of you,” Jaebum announced, waiting for you to give direction to your room.

You hadn’t thought about your pets being the cause to a problem between you both, but knowing that was all that was in your way made you hopeful that the rest would come just as easily as everything else had.

_________________

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[aspiestvmusings]

WandaVision Questions

SPOILERS for whole series of WandaVision

Here is a very long list of questions that the series has still not fully answered & ones that they have..kinda...answered already: 

I’ve separated the questions by Character/Topic they are referring to. 

I do not think we’ll get answers to each of these. There’s just not enough time. Even if the finale is the lenght I’m hearing it is. But several..yes. And more will be left as “cliffahangers” and expored in other/future MCU projects...

WANDA 

What or Who did Wanda see exactly during that Mind Stone experiment in Sokovia? Did she see a vision of her futrure self as Scarlett Witch? Did a past or different Scarlett Witch appear to her? Did the “vision” pass the crown on to her, choosing her as the next scarlett witch [Find the Goddess within]? Did she “absorb” the figure she saw? Did it just appear to her as a “vision” from the future or past..or a different dimension? And who exactly was it? BASICALLY ANSWERED in 1x09

Is Wanda a born witch or a born mutant? Her powers seemed to first manifest at around age 10 [10 = X = x gene]... same is happening to her Twins in the hex. This seems to suggest she was born “different”, and the mind stone just awakened & heightened her powers. 

When did Wanda go to SWORD? How much time had passed since Tony’s funeral & her talk with Hawkeye? Same/Next day or a bit/week later? 

How did Wanda know Vision’s body was there? Was the info in his “living will” or did Avengers have that info on file somewhere? Who told her this, and when? (no-one was there for her & no one went with her because they are all in “not good” state: Hawkeye & Scott are reunited with families, Hulk is healing, Old! Cap is just...old, Thor & guardians are far away, Nat & Tony are gone. Spidey & Rhodey & Wakandans didn’t know her.. And everyone’s a mess, grieving, too. So... that’s why she is alone, cause she really has lost everyone who is close to her... no one left...)

How much in control is Wanda...by now? Has it been all subconsious or does she understand what’s happening? She seemed to create the hex unintentionally, just as byproduct of her grief. And at first she does not seem to understand it’s not real. But just like Vision, she, too, seems to become more & more aware of what’s actually going on. At first she keeps saying she means no harm, but by episode 7 she is questioning if she maybe is the bad guy in the story. How aware is she by now? And will it be about acceptance & letting go (of the ones she’s lost)...as she takes the hex down? Cause this is about her going through the stages of grief... (so I have prepared to see Vision die...again... with big fireworks, I guess...just like Tony’s IM suit army did for IM3 christmas fireworks show...cause everything seems to point to this...it’s the most logical concusion to the story...even if I/we all wish there was another way...) Everything points to 3rd ep being the turning point.  The birth of the twins & losing some control of the illusion, mention of something from actual reality trigger her waking up from the dream. Cause while she first sensors the broadcast at the end of ep 2 already (No!), I’m not sure she’s yet aware of things yet. But throwing ot Monic...seeing herself do that...affects her. But she does not understand the full extent of it all til the very end...when she “feels the peoples pain”

Is there any meaning to Wanda playing with the fingers of her hand when she’s asking to be let in to see Vision’s body? Maybe it’s just a stim, but it almost looks as if she’s trying to play with a wedding/engagement ring that’s supposed to be on that finger/hand? 

Was it Wanda who edited the footage from the Mind Stone experiment Strucker did on her? Or was it the "Mind Stone”? Because that editing (rewinding time) looked very similar to the editing that’s happening during WandaVision broadcast. 

Is this about Wanda learning to use, control & understand her powers...just as much as it’s about her letting herself grieve? She needs to “access her powers (the yoghurt) or it’ll all turn to chaos...?  ANSWERED in 1x09: YES!

What exactly are Wanda’s powers & what do they mean? It almost seems like she’s a living form of all 6 infinity stones, channeling their energy inside her. During the Hex she’s demonstrated that she can also “rewind time” (time stone) - the editing. I’d say it’s easier to say what she can’t do than list everything that she can do.

Was Wanda actually already pregnant BEFORE creating the hex? Was the “for the children” chant also subconcious, like many other things/lines? And did she give birth to the kid(s) in the hex..or was that birth “not real” & she’s still expecting when the hex comes down? If she was before Hex, then that’d mean the twins can & do exists outside of it, too. Because it’s only been a few weeks since Scotland for her, so who knows...  Or maybe their origin is more magical (blipped back into the wrong womb...Wanda’s? Created by her...cause “she was all alone”) And since FFH showed us that the world did not seem to be in total chaos, instead recovering, then how & why will things change about 8 months from now...and things are “on pause” til then? Cause FFH takes place 8 months after WV. One thing that fits this timeline would be human pregnancy, and then the birth process creates chaos (I still think all the glitches during the twins birth were caused by Wanda...cause she lost control of details on the hex...for  bit...not agathas doing), and that’s why multiverse is “ripped open” only then, not now. #wildtheory OR...are both general public & Peter unaware of what really happened in Westview?

VISION

Which Vision will win the Vision vs Vision fight? Well, the show aansered this question already in episode with the line: “The death rate of single men is twice that of married men". This means Wanda’s Vision (Hex Vision) will win over Hayward’s Vision (White/Spectral Vision...Ultron). The question is how will Hex Vision “die”?. Cause as much as we’d all love for a Vision to survive, he can’t... for the show (and Wanda) to get closure. Will he die in battle or as the hex goes down? KINDA ANSWERED in 1x09: HexVision did win the “confrontation”, but he was also the one who “died”/Wanda said goodbye to as hex went down.

What happened to Vision’s body after the Wakanda Battle & Thanos’ snap? How & why did he end up at SWORD? [not stay in Wakanda, or go to Avengers/Tony? When did SWORD get a hold of the body? When Maria was still running the place...and Avengers “trusted” her or did Hayward somehow pull some strings after her death? Is this related to Sokovia accord, and based on them the body/vibranium belonged to the government? Cause it sounds like they had him before Tony’s death 3 weeks ago? And Hayward used that trust put on SWORD, when he got promoted & turned things around, including starting project “Cataract”] Seems like he had been there ever since the Snap, but was safe until Hayward took over. Cause no way he had time to complete the project in just few weeks since Tony’s death. So...  someone trusted SWORD at some point...before the shady Hayward took over...without anyone suspecting anything. 

How exactly is Hex Vision “alive”? Is it just Wanda’s magic...is she powering him through herself/her magic? Is it cause of the Mind Stone she “created” for him? We knew from ep 2 already that this Vision is not real real. Their stage names confirmed it - he was “Illusion”, and their act was a magic trick cause the whole hex thing was a “magic trick”. And if you reverse the roles, then this line from ep 2 tell you what Wanda did...when she broke down:  “Fear not, Glamour, for I, Illusion, wow to bring you back exactly as you are.” She brought him back (looking like) exactly as he was...even if his past memories are missing.  KINDA ANSWERED in 1x09

How real is Hex Vision? Seems he is connected to the Hex & cannot exist outside it, but it also seems that he is very real inside the hex...made of vibranium, and able to feel & connect (even if he has no memories of life before hex), and evolve, and use powers. And though Wanda wanted & tried to control him (and the kids), she doesn’t seem to be able to do so. Vision 2.0 seems to have his own “sense of self”, & free will. He seems to exist (within the hex) outside of Wanda & think/decide for himself. He’s not her puppet that she can control (like everyone else is). 

Will Hex Vision 2.0 be able to survive outside the Hex in some way & form? [eg. merging with White Vision] If they will merge the Hex Vision & the White Vision, then will he be complete [if Shuri’s downloaded data will be added] or will he remain an emty shell, rebooted & loses all his memories & humanity? Would they do a repat of the Gamora plot with Vision, where a character will have to re-learn everything to become the charcter they had become & re-create the connections she/he had already formed? Or will he die/sacrifice himself...for others...again? (especially cause this is all about Wanda having to accept her loss & grieve... for real...so in many ways he has to be dead/die...for that to fit the shows main theme)  BASICALLY ANSWERED in 1x09

Will Hex Vision live [at the end of WV]? The shows theme (Wanda needing to grieve her losses), and the FFH tribute to fallen Avengers seems to suggest that Vision has to & will die again/not survive the hex (but Cap was also listed as one of the fallen, so... who knows?). But they can still explore all those themes if he continues to exist, because Wanda has still not properly grieved her parents & brother. And since they have brought up the fact that he is a synthezoid (not regula human), and talked about being a combination of “AI” & physical body, then the idea of the two being separated & re-connected has been introduced. Based on what we know - Vision’s character traits, Wanda’s grief journey...we should expect him to sacrifice himself again...for others/to save her/others. It’s just who he is. Just like one of his sources, Tony. The only question is if he’ll survive despite trying to sacrifice himself for others to live, or not?

If VISION survives, then what form will he be/take? Will it be the White Vision (emotionless empty shell), the Hex Vision (without past memories, but otherwise same as he was before), comnibation of both when they merge (giving us the original Vision back)? Or some other form? I mean...Paul Bettany started as the voice of Tony’s AI, then he transformed into Vision, so maybe he can change “form” again? Vision has already, kinda, “died” three times... 1) by Wanda’s hands in IW, 2) by Thanos ripping out the MindStone & 3) when exiting the Hex in ep 6. And before all this, they were preparing to separate him from the stone, because MCU Vision can survive without the stone...even if he might lose some parts of himself without it... Shuri just didn’t have enough time to complete the task... (but there should be enough that there is a chance to bring him back in the future og MCU, I’d say...)

Did Wanda create both the vibranium & The Mind stone for the Hex Vision? How? Is Agatha correct & she is capable of spontaneous creation (Nexus Being)? Based on current evidence this seems to be the truth. 

Is that a real Mind Stone on Vision 2.0′s head? If so, then how & from what did Wanda create it? Or is that just a fake jewelry decoration on his forehead? We saw that an object looking like Mind Stone was the last piece she “created” when she created Hex Vision...you can see it “fly” towards the just-formed-vision, but what is it really? Did she create it...from nothing, from the “atoms” it had become? Did she “take” it from another universe? 

How & why can Hex Vision set others free of Wanda’s hex spell? Is it Wanda’s powers that were transferred to the new creation? Is it the Mind Stone? 

How & Why does hex Vision seem to have Pietro’s “quicksilver” superspeed ability? [my take: Wanda, in her greif, gave her new Vision 2.0 both her Vision’s & her brothers abilities, cause she was still grieving them both, so subconsiously she did that..or The Vision always had that ability and I/he was just not aware of it/never used it before] 

Did going through the Hex barrier change Vision 2.0, too? (like it did with Monica?) Does it affect everyone & everything that enters/exits? Did it change something within this Vision? Or did it not affect him in any such way..cause hes made of vibranium?

When did Vision buy that propery for them? Seems that he did before the events of IW. It fits his lines “what if I don’t go back”...And based on the state of the property it seems like the construction of their house/home had started before the Snap (foundation laid), but then everything was abandoned...

Does Hex Vision sleep? Cause The Vision is/was a synthezoid, so he should not need to sleep, but does he close his eyes & “kind of sleep” & does Hex Vision do the same? Because he seems to miss all the decade changes between the episodes on WV. He “wakes up” only to see that Wanda has changed things...again... In otehr words...how does he miss the moment when they move from one decade to the next? PS. The Vision doesn’t eat food, doesn’t need to sleep, don’t grow old like humans..etc..but for Wanda he cooks, “sleeps” next to her, buys a house to grow old in... #feelyourfeels

What is up with Hex Vision’s eyes? Is it just my imagination or have they changed, a bit? In some scenes they looked more “human” & less “robotic”? PS. They re-create Paul’s eyes in MCU, making them machine-like. Did they just miss doing that for some scenes on accident? Or was it changed on purpose? Or did it just seem so to me?

What was the meaning of the Dead!Vision vision that Wanda saw in ep 4? Was it just one of the ways Agatha was messing up things..trying to make Wanda “wake up” and deal with her greif? Was it Wanda losing control of the hex dream for a moment & being reminded that her “original” Vision is actually still dead...and looks like that? The Dead!Vision & Dead!Pietro moments reminded me a lot of Dead!IM/Tony moment from FFH, where Peter sees him “raise from the grave” It’s all Mysterio’s illusion, based on a script written by one of his team, but it works cause Peter is grieving his mentor, so it “feels real” to him. 

CATARACT VISION

What is the purpose of White Vision? Who/What is he/it? Ultron? White/Sooulless machine? Does he have Wanda’s Vision’s memories & all? Why was White Vision looking at his left hand, when he was rebooted [Ultron? Vision..looking for a wedding ring and/or lookig if his hand is still there cause he saw its pieces being pulled back to the hex?]  ANSWERED in 1x09

What exactly was Hayward’s/SWORD’s plan with Vision’s body? Just to rebuild & reboot him into a weapon? [that goes against the Sokovia accords & Visions living will]

Why & How is Tony’s (new element) triangular arc reactor now on White Vision’s hear in place of the Mind Stone? How did Hayward get a a hold of that?

What does it mean that the White Vision, after being powered up (rebooted) & opening his eyes first looked at his left hand? Is this supposed to be a reference to Ultron (AoU)...and he was checking out his new perfect form (Utron los his arm in AoU, so was he surprised his new body had it)? Was it Vision looking for a wedding ring (do the different Visions share data automatically & hence share memories?) or checking if his hand is still intact (not flown back to the hex as he stayed outside?)

What is “Project Cataract”? Well...cataract is an eye “disease”, which causes the eye to be look white/gray & it can cause double vision. So the name is very fitting. Hayward’s “vision” is the double, and he is white like cataract...  

Is the White Vision we see in ep 8 mid-credits scene the same Vision that we see in parts in the ep 8 flashback scene? Who is working at SWORD with Hayward? How did they manage to put him back together, add the “arc reactor” to his head & do a paint job...all within a week? Cause it’s been a week since they gave Wanda the show with the parts on the tables. Or is this a copy? Their fist copy version of him? [in a real magic trick everything is fake]  ANSWERED in 1x09

THE TWINS [Billy & Tommy] 

Are the Twins real? Who & How created them? [did they come to be through procreation and are Wanda & Vision’s offspring..somehow, or were they created in some other, more magical way? From what? When & How] AKA did they follow the comics canon or change it (how much?)?

Will the Twins survive the Hex? Can they exist outside the hex? Does it depend on whether they were created inside the hex or outside/before..or not?

Who aged up the Twins? Was it the Twins (Speed?) Based on Agnes’ comments that she & Wanda cannot control (these) kids, seems it wasn’t them. Seems it was the Twins, who did it? But did they cause the speedy pregnancy, too? Or was that..some other force?

How exactly was Billy able to hear both his dad/Vision 2.0 & Hayward (others) in episode 6, when he was inside the Hex & they were outside the Hex? What does it mean that his power extends to outside the hex, too?

Where were the Twins in episode 7? Where did Agnes hide/keep them? During those few minutes before we wee then again...”on the leash”

Will the Twins age themselves up again before the end of the series? To help their parents in the battle against the baddies? Or at the end (post credits scene, for example]?  ANSWERED in 1x09

  THE HEX 

Why television broadcast & why WandaVision? Well It’s literally Wanda’s TELEVision we’re watching. Televised Vision. #endlesswordplay 

Why hexagon(s)? Just because it’s a recurring shape in nature, etc? Or is it a reference to bees...beekeeper...Hive? Cause there is something called The Hive in MCU... And hexes & hexagons also appear in MCU a lot & the number 6 is important: Portals during space travel, inside Visions body... Also..there was 6 original Avengers & 6 infinity stones, Visions body taken into 6 parts for the show Hayward puts on for Wanda... 

How & why was the WandaVision TV show broadcast from the Hex? Seems that it was Wanda who created the hex...”unintentionally”...from her grief, and broadcast the show, but why? Or did someone else broadcast it? Why did she/someone want the outsiders to see what was happening inside?

Who created the commercials? Are they part of Wanda’s sitcom & created by her, subconciously? Or are they created by someone else? Vision (TeleVision). Or someone/something else?  Maybe the “light in the sky” news in Westview newspaper that Vision ead in one scene isn’t a reference to the SWORD camp. Maybe there is someone else there, too? Maybe this answers our question about how Dr. Strange has not yet sensed it & arrived there? Maybe these are hidden messages sent by someone else...to Wanda...to make her wake up from her dream? And they could even be changed by the hex into commercials insted of their original form? Or were they subconcious narating the story to her?

Who is pulling the strings? Is it all Wanda (Hex) & Agatha (messing things up)? Or is there more to it & someone/something else in involved in all of it? If so then who? 

Why was the town in “ruins” & the people all so “sad” & “alone” when Wanda arrived there? Is it only because of the Snap/Blip & the town had turned this way during those 5 years, or is there more? It’s definitely cause of Snap & Blip, but I do wonder if there is more to it than just that?

Why did we only see one half of each couple as Wanda drove through the city...even if SWORD identified many of them as couples (and they’ve said couples were kept together in the hex) because it seems that one person from each couple has an “accident” during the sitcom: Vision has the “gum” issue in ep 2, Mr. Hart chokes in ep 1, Dottie breaks a glass and bleeds in ep 2...?, Are some of the other sitcom characters actually dead? (and Wanda brought everyones partner back...just like she did with her own?) But then...how & why did SWORD identify several of the couples & no-one mentioned some of them being dead? Or... are the databases incomplete because of the Snap/Blip mess (we know from FFH some people used the Snap to run & hide (start a new life elsewhere)... who weren’t actually blipped...so maybe not all dead/blipped have been reported?) The lesson might be that though the people, like her, were sad & mourning, then “you should not bring back dead”, because they had already mourned them... whether their oved ones were gone gone or just blipped gone... 

Does the hex cause mutations to everyone who go through it several times? Or just people with certain X gene? Or just people, who were Blipped? [If everyone who goes through the hex gets their cells re-written, then that also includes Vision = 1x, Darcy = 1x, SWORD clowns = 1x, Beekeeper = 1x... so did they get a mutation, too?] Will all the people inside the hex get powers once the hex goes down?

Why did the “hex breached” alarms go off at just before Fietro appeared at Wanda & Visions doorstep in episode 5? Why did they go off? Who entered or exited the hex at that time? Or...was it the same alarm that was still on because Wanda exited & entered the hex? Cause we see them enter the tent after the encounter..so perhaps it was just moments ago, while a shole scene had hapened during that time in the WV freality. 

Is the purpose of the Hex just to keep Visin 2.0 alive & keep the happy dream alive OR is the purpose also to keep others outside? To protect that reality from Hayward (who wants to take him to pieces & weaponize him)? Cause in some ways this invisible energy field looks a bit similar to the dome surrounding & protecting Wakanda from outsiders. 

What will happen to Wanda, Hex!Vision, The Twins, Monica, Fietro, Agatha, the people of WestView...when the hex goes down? 

AGNES/AGATHA 

When exactly did Agatha arrive to the hex? At the moment we first saw her land putside Wanda & Visions house with that plant in episode 1? Or sooner..and she was just staying away til then?

What is Agatha’s plan? What does she want? She seems to be at awe of Wanda’s powers/creation & she also seems to be grieving, too. And she seems to want to bring someone back to life...it seems. [Ralph? Her kid(s)...cause it’s all for the children? The person for whom/because of whom she used the darkest of magic in 1693? Turn the rabbit back to the person it was before?] She sounded so hopeful when the twins told Wanda she can bring back the dead. 

Why did Agatha use the darkest of magic in 1693? What did she want to do? (was she trying to bring someone back to life? Her “soulmate”, her kid?)

Why does Agatha feed on Wandas magic? Is it just a way for her to stay alive/young? Does she need to “snak on yo magic” to survive? Or does she need others magic to remain magical herself and/or to become more powerful?  Has she learned to control her powers over time, cause in 1693 she claimed she could not yet. And she just seems to be impressed by Wanda’s powers & a bit jeaous that it’s taken her 400 years to learn simple spells, while Wanda can just randomly use hers...without even trying. 

Why & How do none of the townspeople seem to questions Agnes...if she’s a stranger, an outsider? Seems they’re comptletely under Wanda’s control, hence don’t break character & acknowledge they do not know her?

How did Agatha get into the hex? How was she able to get in? By using magic? Some other way? How did she sneak in without Wanda noticing, and chaning her, and taking control of her? How & why did Wanda not sense her arrival if she’s an outsider? If she arrived after Wanda set up the hex, then how soon after? Did she arrive before or after SWORD had set up camp outside the hex? (we first see her after the camp is up & watching the tv show, but she might’ve been inside for longer)

Who is her mother-in-law that she mentions in episode 1 as she arrives? Just a line of  or is there significance?

Who is Agatha working with/for? SWORD/Hayward? Some secret master/partner [Ralph?]? 

Whose house is Agatha living in? If she really did arrive only after sensing Wanda’s magic, and coming to the hex after it was created then who is/was Wanda’s real neighbour & what happened to them? Or did the house just happen to be empty? KINDA ANSWERED in 1x09

Is Agatha’s basement inside or outside the Hex? The aspect ratio seemed to change as Wanda went from her house to her basement...making it seem like its outside the hex, but is it? 

If Agatha arrived to this place just a week ago, then what’s up with that basement? How can Agatha’s secret LAIR in the basement exist “inside the hex”? If Agatha arrived after the hex was cerated then how & why wasn’t this basement transformed by hex creation? How was it set up - did it come with the house or did Agatha add it? And how is it unaffected by Wanda’s hex? If its outside hex (as the change in aspect ratio suggests), the how is that possible? Who created it/set it free of Wanda’s hex? Is it in another dimension or ? We’ve seen that enhanced indivuduals can use their powers inside Wanda’s hex, and she does not seem to be aware of everything going on. So...did Agatha use her magic & create the LAIR inside the hex during the days of the sitcom? 

What are the runes in the basement about? Yes, their purpose is to “protect” the space from other witches using their magic in that space, but why hexes and why these symbols...what do they mean? And did she add them in past few days or have they always been there? ETA: Oh, they’re not so much physical objects, and more like “drawing on the wall”

What is that book in the basement? (several options) The book in the basement could be one of several important books from the comics or MCU. But when hexagons are involved, and with the kowledge that “Wanda” will appear in the new Dr. Strange film, then while I do not know what book it is, it’s most likely the one missing from the wall of books inside hexagons in Dr. Strange film. ANSWERED in 1x09

How did the book get there? If Agatha brought it with her when she arrived then how & why did it not change when she entered the hex? If it was already there then whsoe is it & what does it mean? How is it there? 

Why does Wanda keep calling Agnes “a life saver”? Did she save her life/Does she think she saved her life & it’s her subconcious remembering it? Will she save her life & it was foreshadowing? 

Were all the “naughty” references about Agatha just about the coming reveal that “it was Agatha all along...who kept messing up everything”?  (Wanda called her naughty in ep 1 already, she wore pants with the word “naughty” on them in ep 6...)

Is Agnes the Villain, the Friend-in-disguise or the Neutral (therapist, guide)? Is she messing with Wanda just because she admires her & wants to learn from her (her own mom would not teach/guide her...how to control her powers)? Does she want to “feed on her magic” (to get more powerful herself)? Does she need her to help help/teach her to bring someone back to life? Is her plan to just get what she wants or to help Wanda while learning from her? Cause at first she seems to do everything she can to see what Wanda & Vision can do (show their powers). And she seems to want to kind of guide her...to help her “grieve”, to get her to “wake up” from the hex dream... but not necessarily in a  villain way...

Why is Agnes’ magic purple? Is there a connection to Power Stone? And why are her magic tricks similar to some other MCU characters (Dr. Strange, Ancient one)? Agatha taking a piece of Wandas hair (as Strange did with Thor)? The purple “portal” door to Wanda’s past memories... kinda like Strange’s portals...to other place/time... Is it just about using similar CGI or is there a connection?

What is the significance of the broach Agnes/Agatha wears all the time? The one she took from her dead mothers body. 

Why does Agatha leave the protected basement area right after she realizes who Wanda really is? She’s just found out just how powerful Wanda is, so why let her outside, where Wanda can use her powers (against her)? She should know that she has no chance against her, right? ANSWERED in 1x09

Is Agatha sincerely moved by the WandaVision moment & Vision’s quote on grief? She sheds a single tear & wipes it away. But Wanda doesn’t see her do it/is not looking at her, so this seems to be real...she seems to be genuily moved by it all,  not mocking the “scene”. 

RALPH 

Where is Ralph? Who is Ralph? Agatha keeps mentioning him...constantly, but we’ve never seen him? And no-one seems to question it...Wanda & Vision never wondered why they never saw Ralph. Does he even exist? Did Agnes/Agatha just make himup...for Wanda’s sitcom? ANSWERED in 1x09

Is this just misdirection? is this simply about the old tv/sitcom trope where a character is mentioned all the time, but never seen? If there no other “mystery” to Ralph? Or does he exist? If so...is he one of the characters weve already seen? (the rabbit, the mailman, Hayward)

THE RABBIT (SENOR SCRATCHY)

What is up with that rabbit? Who or what is it? Agatha’s son, Nichols Scratch? Or her sons old man, Senior Scratch aka her husband? Or is it a reference to “Devil” aka old scratch (hex = 6 = 666)? That does not seem to be your usual pet rabbit, because it eats bugs/birds, and it purrs. That seems to be a cat in disguise...if not something else. And Agatha talks to it, too (though people do love to talk to their pets, so maybe that part’s not important) But this is definitely not just a pet bunny. Yet...I dont know if this is Mephisto, or some other villain. Or if it’s Wong/Strange in disguise or something?

FIETRO 

Who exactly is this Pietro in the Hex? And where did he come from? Did Agatha “bring” him in from somewhere or did she just take a hold of some guy? Did she create him? Is he a Pietro from another universe? Is he just a random guy? He seems to have the superpowers Quicksilver has, but he looks different than Pietro (buried in Sokovia...with their parents, and Agatha can’t raise the dead or puppet bodies full of bulletholes, so she is just controlling some other dude) But we’ve known somethings off with him since start...even Wanda & Vision both are suspicious about the guy...since start.

Is Fietro under Agatha’s control when he sneaks up to Monica at the end of episode 7 #snoopersgonnasnoop or just snooping around on his own? Does Agatha use him as her eyes & ears at that moment AKA does she know Monica was snooping around? Or was she too busy with playing Wanda’s therapist to deal with him/other stuff?

Who brought Fietro there? Was he just another person living in WestView that Agatha controlled to get the truth out of Wanda? Did he come from outside the hex & then be taken over by Agatha? Did Wanda somehow, subconciously, bring him there/creaate him, before Agatha took over his senses? Cause we’ve seen that a lot of the things that tappen in WV are coming from Wanda’s subconcious. After she thinks of something and/or hears someone mention an idea, it becomes true. It’s like she uses the ideas she & others have to subconciuouly write the script of the next scene/ episode?

What’s the significance of Fietro’s necklace? ANSWERED in 1x09

Why did they coin the term Fietro officially on the show? I’m not into comics & I don’t care that much about merging the two (fox + marvel) universes, so it doesnt matter to me if he is the FOX universe version. But...the term Fietro can be coined from both Fake + Pietro & Fox + Pietro, so it makes me suspicious... on a show that does very little without a “hidden meaning”

DOTTIE 

What’s the deal with Dottie? Who is she - just another neighbour (like “mailman” or more?) Was Agnes’ claim that she’s the key just part of her messing tactic or is there meaning in the claim?

Is there a significance to Dotties roses being yellow (while Wanda’s flowers are red & pink & Agathas are purple...in ep 7)? 

Who is Dottie in reality? She seems to be one of the few “recurring cast members” from the WV show that Darcy & team watched who is not identified yet. How & why is she not identified yet? (is she Peter’s teachers wife...who pulled a disappearing act & made everyone think she was blipped, when she had just run off with someone else...so hence not identified yet?)

MAILMAN

Who is the mailman & whats up with him? Ep 8 seemed to answer that. He seems to be just a delivery guy... Or is he? Could he be also something more/else? Is he just one of Agnes’ eyes&ears (messengers) and hence the uniforms logo with rabbit in ep 7? Is he the “missing person”?

HAYWARD 

What’s up with Hayward? Is he just another government baddie or is there more to it? His motivation seems to be that he hates “superpowered individuals” & wants to create and use sentient weapons [he’s gotten access to Tony’s arc reactor element & Vision’s body somehow] against them. He clearly set up the whole show for some purpose... for Wanda...

Does Hayward know more than he shows? Was he just asking about Wanda’s “superhero nickname” or was he aware of SW? If so..how? And how did he know she has the power to bring Visions body back to life? Did he just hope so (and was disappointed she didn’t try when she let her see him..in that condition), cause he’s heard she is very powerful, or does he know...stuff?

Will the WhiteVision kill him aka not be controlled by his master, or will Hayward live? Cause if we take away Tony, Bruce, Jarvis, Mind Stone & everything else, then all that’s left in that lab vision is Ultron. And I'm not sure Hayward & his team can actually control him for long...he’s gonna turn on his “creators” possibly. 

What  was Hayward actually tracking inside the hex? It says “vibranium decay” on the screen next to the dot, and based on that  Darcy & others conclude that he’s tracking Vision (cause they think Wanda took Visions body), but is that true? Because of the dots location on the map & the fact that it is moving, it can only be tracking Hex Vision or Agnes/Agatha. But how? Is he actually tracking the vibranium Wanda created? Or the Mind Stone Wanda created? Or something else related to Hex Vision? Or Agatha? ANSWERED in 1x09

BEEKEEPER

What happened to the [SWORD agent turned into a] Beekeeper? Where did he go to? What happened to him? Why haven’t we seen or heard of him again? Not from Wanda, not from outsiders? Is he stuck somewhere inside the hex or was he “sent out” just like Monica was ep 3? 

THE DOG

Where did the dog come from that the twins “adopted” in ep 3? Was it Agatha’s doing, or not? If that was Agatha messing with things then since she cannot create things, she can just transform things, then what was the dog before (her rabbit?) Did Wanda somehow create it...”unknowingly”?

How exactly did the dog die? Did Agatha kill it because the dog was digging up something/someone in her yard? Did it actually accidentally eat the poisonous plant? Did she kill it to test Wanda’s power...to see if she can really bring back people from dead... Is it even dead? Cause while it seems Vision did bury the dog, then perhaps it was not a  real dog at all, but just transformed into a dog by Agatha (but then...would  it not turn back to its original form after it died? No?)?

THE MISSING PERSON 

Who is the missing person, who was/is in the witness program? Jimmy said it’s a “he”,  but perhaps that was a misdirection. Is there even a missing person or was that just a made up story (by Hayward? by someone else)...just to have a reason to set up camp next to the hex? Was the missing person "Wanda”, was it “Hex Vision” (did Hayward somehow get info that there is a “Vision” there?) Is it the person who lived in the hosue Agatha resides? Is it Ralph? Is it Wanda’s father (he survived, but it was secret? Is it someone from the MCU past (Justin Hammer from IM2; Sonny Butrch from Ant-Man? Trevor Slattery from IM3 (since we are living inside a tv show & everyone was playing roles in Wanda’s sitcom & Shakespeare was quoted; MCU Pietro...who actualy survived?)? Is it Agnes...who is actually working for SWORD and was sent in to investigate the hex, but when not returned, was named “missing”?

Why has Jimmy not mentioned him again...for days? If he’d been one of the townspeople who have been seen & identified [info sheets on the board], we’d probably heard of it, so we have to assume it’s none of the ones who are seen on the board. Or... the opposite...he has not mentioned it again, because it IS one of the identified people. He’s not mentioned it again cause he knows theyre alive & “safe”? 

Who it is definitely not? Since the events of FFH take place 8 months AFTER this WV event, then this cannot be Peter Parker & his friends, cause while he would have reason to be in witness protection after those events, they’ve not happened yet... And though this would be THE biggest shock & Mark Hamill level cameo, then since RDJ is done with MCU/Tony/IM & as much as it would be awesome, then I doubt it’s Tony, cause that sadly would make the endgame events “less meaningful” (he had to safrifice himself...otherwise the impact would not have been as strong)

MONICA 

Why exactly did Monica get powers when going through the hex? Is it because she has the X-gene? Is it cause she was blipped? Or does it happen to everyone who goes throgh the hex...several times? (or just those, who have the X gene & the hex just activates it or something)

Why exactly did Monica’s eyes turn to purple, when she opened Agatha’s cellar door/when Fietro caught her snooping? Was it cause she was put under Agathas spell? Or does it have to do with her newly activated power and it’s just her “seeing wavelenghts”? 

Why can Monica connect with Wanda & not see her as the “villain”? Because these two actually have a lot of common at that moment/time. That’s probably why she wants to help her, not attack her (even if she did not like being “mind controlled”) They both lost their loved one…twice. Wanda lost Vision twice, and then she was snapped away....only to return to Endgame battle (Tony’s funeral) and seeing Vision dismantled... Monica almost lost her mom, but then things seemed to get better…only for her to wake up from the Blip to find out she lost her mom (again). So both of these ladies have lost the last 5 years, and both lost their loved one “twice”. They both are kind of depressed, have PTSD, are grieving, don’t want to go on…both dealing with it on their own way...

WHO IS MONICA’S ENGINEER FRIEND? 

Was the lady she met the contact person or was she just the messenger? Cause Monica seemed to imply it’s a “he”, so perhaps we have not met her engineer friend yet? Is that lady just a military messanger or is she possibly a skrull (Talos daughter, the one Monica connected with as a kid?)

Will the engineer friend appear in WV or will he show up only in next MCU projects? Is he important or was there no deeper meaning there and/or was the skrull friend that contact/engineer?

WHERE ARE AVENGERS?

Where is Dr. Strange? Why hasn’t he (seemingly) arrived to WV yet? If Agatha could sense the Hex (the many spells cast all at once by Wanda) & that attracted her to this place... then how & why has Dr. Strange not sensed it? And how or why had he not arrived there yet...if he had sensed it? The others are all busy/not available, healing, not in a good place themselves... But Strange & co will most likely show up during the Finale/ep 9. OR NOT.

OTHER QUESTIONS: 

IF & how are skrulls involved? Meaningful or misdirection? I think they are involved..in a small way...

Why “all for the children”? Was that all Agatha’s doing, or was someone else behind that message? Was it actually Wanda’s doing...another subconcius things? (is it cause Wanda had been thinking of kids? Is it cause Agatha has lost a kid or something? Is it cause Wanda is actually pregnant?) Because the Harts brought up the topic during ep 1 dinner already before things hated up in ep 2. And almost everything in Wanda’s sitcom scripts is coming from her subconcious - they’re adapted from the events of her life & things other characters mention within the WV show... her subconcious makes random lines come true in next scenes/episode.  ANSWERED...KINDA in 1x09

Where were all the children in earlier episodes? Were they just inside, in their beds, like Fietro suggested (through Agatha), or is there more to this? And where did they all just appear in epsiode 6 (cause we’ve seen lots of them around lately...among other “background cast” just doing their everyday things...).  ANSWERED in 1x09

Who is the missing kid on the milk carton? Just random kid or is it the actual missing person Jimmy was looking for? Is it Agatha’s kid or someone elses kid?  

Why has SNAP being mentioned several times on the show? Spoken, in written (signs)? Agnes used the word “snap” in a sentence in ep 1, the cereal in ep 6 was called Sugar Snaps. One of the billboards had the word snap on it after Wanda created the hex. Agatha snapped her fingers as she dissapeared from the audience seats after the illusion came down in ep 8... Are all the SNAP references about Wanda snapping (“going crazy”) or a reference to the (Thanos) Snap? Or both?

What are all the metions of “NIGHTMARE” (and bad dreams) about? Misdirection or subtle hints at Nightmare being behind this/introduced to MCU? Whose dream is this (all)? 

What is up with mentions of “mischief” & “shenanigans” in the epsiodes. Just random or more meaningful actually? I personally do not think that this means Loki is invlved or coming, but...never say never. 

What’s up with Ultron being mentioned several times already? Meaningful or misdirection? Is the White Vision gonna be voiced by the man, who voiced Ultron (J.S.)? Is White Vision gonna be Ultron (will other parts that made Vision Vision be gone, and only Ultron remain)? Or will the emoty shell turn into Ultron while entering the hex, because the hex changes non-living objects into a more era-appropriate forms (and not so long ago that body was supposed to be Ultron’s vessel) Is Ultron somehow behind this/part of Haywards plan? 

What do the dates on the calendar mean? Is there any significance to the dates? Are they just Inside jokes (like one licence plate being Stan Lee’s birth date), or is there a meaning behind them? In ep 1 the heart is drawn on the date Wednesday, August 23rd. In the opening credits of episode 7 the heart is drawn on Friday the 10th (no month visible). The events of WV are supposed to take place in 2023....though for Wanda it may still feel like five years sooner in 2018... We do know that there is a Wed, Aug 23rd in 2023 & there are three Friday the 10th in 2023: Feb, March, Nov. But why these dates/numbers? Is it a significant date for Wanda an/or Vision? Did they secretly get engaged? (I’d say that I don’t think they were married, but perhaps they had set a wedding date or something? Cause they seemed pretty serious just at the start of IW) Or is it about a secret 10th episode? (Cause the nexus meds had 10.3%, so it might not be random...nothing seems to be on this show...though I’d sy the 10th episode is the “making of” special, nothing more...) Or just random numbers & only the heart had meaning?

What is the meaning of the colour of the flowers in the gardens in ep 7? Wanda’s are red & pink. Agnes’ are purple. Dottie’s (roses) are yellow. We know that first two match the colour of their power. What about the third one? Is she a “witch”, too?

Who “froze” those people in the outskirts of the town, close to hex in episode 6? Wanda (who can’t keep the simulation running smootly, everywhere), or Agatha (to make Vision want to find answers even more)? It does seem like this is all Wanda’s doing...meaning she doesn’t have enough power to keep everything inside the hex running smoothly at the same time, so the characters closer to the edge are more like actual puppets...barely moving.

How do Monica, Jimmy & Darcy know so much about the events of Avengers 3-4? Sure, they work for government, are not completely random citizens, but they seem to have watched the events like from a  video feed or something, cause they seem to know a lot about the details that went on… just mere weeks after the events. How?

How long had the hex been up before Jimmy & Monica arrived & Monica got  sucked in? How long before SWORD arrived & Darcy discovered the broadcast? Hours? Days? What happened in the hex before the show started broadcasting? Because after creating it we see Vision welcome her home & they watch TV, but teh show starts with them driving to WV...before entering their new home, so...did the show start only “the next day”?

Was the “hex has been breached” alarm going off at the end of episode 3 about Pietro arriving to the Hex (meaning he came from outside) or did someone enter/exit the hex & we’ve not been made aware of the person just yet?

Why were Wanda, Pietro & her parents all practicing/learning English? Did the family have a plan to escape to “west”? A view to the west? Or did the parents know more than we’ve led to believe so far, and they were slowly training their kids for their future? Were they actually “adopted”? Did they learn it for some other reason? My best guess is that they were planning to flee to west (US or somewhere)

Why did the family not flee from the war-zone? Her mother saw what was going on outside, but instead she/they used escapism...denial...and watched sitcoms...to distract themselves from the horrors of reality outside. OR were they just “giving up”, cause “there was no escaping...from that place”? And how & where was the dad sellling those dvd-s, when there is literal war (combat) right outside their home? Another example of trauma causing memories to be “tweaked”?

What was up with the secret “safe” in the wall, behind the rug on the wall in their Sokovin apartment? Wanda’s dad kept her fave thing/dvd set in there? Special place..for safekeeping. Is there more to that? “I put it in the special place. For extra safekeeping.” Is this a reference to some object Wanda (or someone close to her, like Vision) had hidden somewhere...to protect it?

What’s in the box? Which box are we talking about? The “mystery of cabinets” box? The red Nike shoe box in the secret hiding place in Wanda’s Sokovian home? The boxes the “mailman” is deloivering in ep 7? Some other box (maybe the envelope was not the only thing Vision let her/among his things that she now has)?

Where was/is the CMBR that Darcy detected from the hex coming from? Is it Wanda? Is it the Mind Stone she created? Is it something or someone else? Had it always been there in WestView or did the Hex event somehow create it? Where is it coming from? What gives off so much of it in there? Is it Wanda’s Chaos magic? Is it the “secret villain” behind Agatha?

Which way did the police car drive after Jimmy & Monica finished questioning them in ep 4? Towards the town (and into the hex) or turned around & drove away from the town & hex?

Why is JImmy's car parked by the roadside right next to the edge of the hex when she & Monica first meet outside WV? And its nose pointed away from the town, not towards the town? Because this has to be Jimmy's (rental) car, not some random abandoned vehicle. How & why did he get so close to the hex & parked his car there? And why is it pointed in the direction away from the town? What is up with the car on the roadside? (seems he was heading towards the twon, but turned around before hex & parked car right there?)

Who is the secret big cameo the cast has been teasing? Is it Paul Bettany AKA one of the best jokes (that he’s acting against himself... playing two roles at once...Hex Vision & White Vision...) Or is there an actual, different cameo happening besides this? Cause we know that Vision VS Vision is happening. Even if there is an actual cameo, I’m just gonna pretend he was talking about Vision Vs Vision, because this is the kind of cheeky british humour that I love. Cameo ideas: a character from one of her favourite sitcom steps from TV into reality DvD?, “Nick Fury”? RDJ as Tony?, Stan Lee? “Dr. Strange”? “Wolverine”? a big name actor as a character from comics...introduced to MCU? For me “Skywalker” level cameo indicates...not (just) a big name actor, but... lots of CGI, so...  ANSWERED in 1x09

THE QUESTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN ANSWERED: 

Why Westview, NJ? No, its not because it’s relatively close to the Avengers “headquarters” (and the set of the Endgame battle) or relatively  close is it to the site where the military base was (where Cap & Tony went during time heist)...all in NJ? It’s because this was supposed to be their home. This is where Vision wanted them to settle down & grow old in. Also.. WestView = WV & wesTView = TV

Why sitcoms? Because sitcoms have been Wanda’s escape since childhood. She watched them in Sokovia with her parents & brother (family), she watched them in US/Avengers HQ (with her to-be-family, Vision). Her distraction from the horrorrs & sadness of reality. Also..because unlike in real world in the sitcom world people getting hurt (when something fall of them) don’t actually get hurt, because..it’s not that kid of a “world”....

Why different eras of sitcoms? Because...Vision wanted them to grow old together. Live a life together. She is literally living through the plan Vision had for them. Settle down in WestView, and live a “normal life” together... That’s why she did not remain stuck in her one favourite Dick can Dyke episode, but instead moved to the next decade...the next phase of their lives together: move to WV, build/buy a home together, get married, watch TV together, have kids, raise kids... go through ps & downs of marriage/relationship,...grow old together... [only her fantasy world started to crumble half-way through] Though...if we think about it... to their knowledge Wanda was human & Vision was a “machine”, so he would not age like she does, so he would have probably just “deactivated” himself after she died in a 100 years...

What made Wanda do this...even if unintentionally? Her greif...over her parents, her brother, Vision, & everyone else she’s lost... the “missing five years”: seeing Hayward dismantle Vision’s body... and seeing the aftermath of the Snap & Blip as she drove through this town. She seemed to see herself in the state of that town & those people...as she drove through WV and saw the future cast of her sitcom. The world for WV had been turned upside down, and in her grief she created the happy place for herself and the people she saw. Her intentions were good/not evil....she thought that this would cheer her & this town up. She “restored” WV to it’s pre-snap glory (the abandoned pool turns into nice one at Dottie’s backyard...), and gave everyone a purpose (job, tasks) or someone to be with. Sitcoms made her feel better, so she thought it’d happen for her & the others in this fake world, too. It was all unintentional & subconcoius, and as she keeps saying “she did not mean any harm”. Initially she didn’t even realize what she’d done, but slowly she has started to “wake up” & realize the situation (that’s why lately she’s thinking “what if I am the villain?” insted of trying to tell the “cast” that she meant no harm to anyone.) 

What does the heart on the calendar mean? Episode 8 told us the meaning of the heart. The calendar used to be the propery deed. And Vision had drawn a heart on it (to where their jome was gonna be) & added “to grown old in” - V. That’s why they say "Who needs to  abbreviate?” in ep 1. 

What was the noise all about in ep 2 that scared Wanda & Vision? Those were the drones that SWORD was sending into the hex. Those made the noise. And one of them (either a SWORD one, or Monica’s drone) made it to Wanda’s rosebushes. 

Where were Vision & Monica + Fietro during ep 8 events? They were on their way towards the center of the hex. Cause the whole “look into the past” took place...in mere seconds...just like a dream (seems like a whole day/film, but IRL almost no time goes by). The Monica + Fietro snooping & the Vision-flies back all happened at the same time as Wanda’s trip down to memory lane. They didn’t happen before, just simultaneously... They will arrive soon. [the question is: will Darcy also reach the town center & will she be able to help somehow]

Why were the films that were running in the Cinema in ep 6 “The Parent Trap” & “The Incredibles”? Because The Incredibles is an animation about a superhero family (mom, dad, kids), who fight the bad guys. And Parent Trap is about twins (Billy & Tommy, Wanda & Pietro). They were about Wanda’s life at the moment/time.  

Why were the films that were running in in the Cinema after Wanda’s hex took over the town “Big Red” & “Kidnapped”? Because, once again, they described the situation then. Wanda & her hex were the big red taking over...in a way “kidnapping” everyone and using them as puppets for the show based on her script. 

Was that really Agatha’s real/actual mother...as the “head witch”? Yes, cause she calls her mother & the actress is listed as Evanora Harkness. It’s not just a title for the leader wicth, but it’s her actual mother. 

What does the Nexus mean? It could be & probably has several meanings. As suggested, Wanda seems to be a Nexus Being (she is the same in all realities & has access to the whole multiverse...). Nexus of lal realities is in MCU (Thor: TDW) is the gateway to other dimensions. But also... Nexus Internet Hub (in Oso) is the  name of the place Tony goes to when looking for answers about Jarvis & Ultron (in AoU)

What were the commercial about? They were all references to the traumatic and/or important moments in Wandas life. Toaster = Stark bomb, Hydra Soap = Mind stone experiment, Lagos paper towels = Lagos incident, Nexus pills = Nexus Being. But each commercial has many layers, and each can also be connected to an infinity stone..in a way. And each has also other meanings. DETAILED EXPLANATION WILL BE ADDED HERE 

Why do the powers start to manifest, in big way, first a are 10? Happened with Wanda, happened with the Twins. Well, because Ten = X [in roman numerals] = X-gene. This ties into the marvel mythology about mutants & x-gene, and also, maybe, in a way roman = romani (cause while they did not copy that part of her origins story in MCU, maybe this was a nod to the SW origins? btw, I do not wants or need my tv/films to follow the original material, cause one can adapt the story to fit their own narrative. Otherwise... I’d never seen Lucy Liu as Watson, especially for comics, when things are “retconned” often...) 

Why does it never rain in WV? The weather report on TV in ep 6 said that it’s sunny all week, but we saw that on the outskirts of the town there were puddles on the road & Vision & Darcy drove through rain...so it actually does rain...there...just not at the center of the hex/town. And we’ve seen that the conditions are different inside & outside the hex: it can be daytime in the hex & nighttime outside the hex...at the same time. Perhaps it never rains also because the last day Wanda & Vision spent together in Scotland was a rainy one...

There’s more, but I got tired... and I didn’t post it on the weekend, but I dont want to delay the posting anymore, so posting it as it is...now...

THE END

[quietrainfan]

Unsymptober Day 6: Mind Control

Trigger Warnings: Unsympathetic Patton, Mind Control, Forced self harm, Blood, Knives, Dehumanization, Verbal/Emotional/Physical abuse, Gaslighting.

Note: Beginning is after Accepting Anxiety and end is after DWIT.

Once Virgil had formed an understanding with the Light Sides, he felt a weight lifted off his shoulders. Of course this didn't mean all of their feuds were resolved. There was still the issue of Janus and Remus needing Thomas to be aware of them and accepting them as facets of his personality. Not to mention the tense relationship between them and the Light Sides. Hopefully, though, this could lead to the Lights to open up to the idea of understanding Janus and Remus as well. 

 

The anxious side opened the door that served as a barrier in the mind palace between the Darks and Lights. Virgil couldn't help the amused smirk that stretched across his lips as the spooky- most would call absolutely terrifying- sound echoed from inside the long pitch black hallway, confirming that the thing entering was another Dark Side. Janus had put a protective spell on their door that had been there- since forever, really- as a precaution in case the Lights tried to sneak in. It was strong enough that even Virgil had a difficult time getting in every once in a while. Thankfully, though, Janus could sense when it was him and can let him in at any time. 

 

Virgil shut the door behind him, the usual yellow glow around the rimms flashed for a brief second before disappearing, leaving the anxious side in complete blackness. The lengthy hallway was freezing and there were always sounds of...something growing along the walls. Virgil was able to proceed without a care, though. Maybe it was because his purple irises that were made to help him see in the dark automatically switched on by instinct or that he was just used to the atmosphere of the Dark Side home. Probably both. 

 

"Hey, hey! Look who's home! Say, Dee, ya think I should melt into the wall and try and spook 'im when he gets to the living room?!~"

 

"You do realize he can hear you, Remus. It wouldn't be much of a surprise. And no, I've already spoken to you about melting into the walls."

 

"Aw, you're no fun!"

 

Virgil rolled his eyes, the smirk never leaving his face at the familiar voices echoing in the distance. He finally made it to the aforementioned common room and waved at the two taller figures waiting for him. 

 

"I'm home.", Virgil greeted, letting out an 'oof' as Remus wrapped an aggressive- but affectionate- arm around his shoulders.

 

"Hey there, tiny! Took ya long enough!", The creative side pulled him closer for a rough noogie, laughing as Virgil tried to break free to no avail. 

 

"Augh, Remus! Let go!"

 

"How did it go today? I hope they didn't give you too much trouble.", Janus approached the two shorter sides with crossed arms.

 

 His voice was even and calm but Virgil could tell Janus was on the defensive, for his sake, against the Lights. He always was when he returned. The things Virgil told him of his experience with them had his protective elder brother mode cranked up to a million. 

 

Virgil snapped out of his annoyance towards Remus at the question, "Uh...yeah, about that. We need to talk."

 

"What did they do?", Remus had loosened his grip on Virgil a bit, his tone quickly went from playful to low and dangerous. Which prompted Virgil to explain before he did anything that would reverse all the progress they made. 

 

"N-Nothing! Well- not nothing but….", The anxious side saw their eyes narrow and he cleared his throat, freeing himself from Remus's embrace, standing up straight and rubbing his neck nervously, "Uh, so- They kind of...accepted me? They came looking for me and we talked. Thomas is no longer resisting my spot at the discussion table."

 

Remus scoffed, "Yeah, right. After all that?"

 

"I was skeptical at first, too.", Virgil admitted, "But they really made a genuine effort to understand me."

 

The creative side wasn't buying it, turning to Janus. The deceitful side nodded, "From what I can tell he's being truthful, Remus. And I doubt he'd speak of it if he didn't feel like all of this was for certain."

 

Virgil was calmed by Janus's ever present rationality. But he knew this conversation wasn't over. "Although", He began again, "I am curious about what they said about the rest of us."

 

The anxious side bit his lip. 

 

Janus's expression softened, "It's alright. Take your time."

 

Virgil sighed, "They-well, Roman, really- said that I was nothing...compared to you guys."

 

Remus chuckled bitterly, leaning against the wall, "Fucking typical. What'd I tell you?"

 

"I understand and trust me, share your anger, Remus. But they were not only willing to hear Virgil out but also came looking for him after he, to them at least, went missing.", Janus turned back to Virgil, "Remember that this is for Thomas's sake and working as a unit is far more efficient than doing it separately. Regardless of how...strained our family ties are."

 

Virgil responded with a smile which the taller side returned. He knew Janus would be understanding but it was still relieving to hear out loud. The deceitful side was known to be incredibly protective of all of them and unapologetic about his opinion towards the Lights. But thankfully that didn't mean he wasn't unwilling to make amends, provided they offered the same courtesy. 

 

"So we're letting them in just like that?", Remus protested.

 

Janus laughed, "Absolutely not. I'm not going to let go of all the bitterness I feel simply because they were nice once to one of us. They have quite a ways to go to earn my trust and even longer to earn my respect.", He layed a gentle hand on Virgil's shoulder, "But what happened is worth noting."

 

Remus hummed, still skeptical of the whole thing, "We're going to still have to worm our own way in. Plus Thomas isn't even conscious of us yet."

 

Janus nodded, "Naturally. We can't just have our stormcloud being the middle-man for us forever.", A fond smile stretched on his face at Virgil's small grunt in response to his pet name.

 

"Eh, whatever.", Remus sighed, "You're the boss. If it means I can get my ideas heard, I don't really care how."

 

"Very good.", Janus clasped his hands together, "Now, it's been a long day. We'll discuss this further in the morning."

 

The three sides separated for the evening. Virgil distinctly remembered the following morning. They had started discussing ways to ease Thomas into accepting the parts of himself that he blocks out and working from there to get the others to follow suit. Virgil still had the memory of the last thing he said to them. 

 

"I certainly hope any of these scenarios will work. Virgil, are you sure about this?"

 

"Yeah, no worries. Leave it to me. I just don't want you guys to have to hide anymore."

 

Leave it to me. 

 

He had said. And he meant it. He would've followed through with his promise but he didn't anticipate the situation he managed to get himself into. 

 

Virgil was speaking to Patton while they got together for a movie marathon. Everything happened so fast. He brought up the Dark Sides, their recent reconciliation, and the possibility of them being able to come to an understanding since he was accepted. Before he could read Patton's expression as his smile fell, Virgil...felt something change in him. The anxious side wasn't able to decipher what at the time but by the time he had, it was already too late. 

 

"I don't think you should trust them, kiddo. Stay with us."

 

That was all he said. Virgil opened his mouth to try and defend the others, try to convince Patton that it was possible for everyone to get along. But the words died in his throat. What came out instead shocked the anxious side.

 

"You're right, Patton. I'm so glad to finally be away from them. Thanks for...embracing me and giving me a proper family.", Virgil had a hard time processing what he said. He hadn't meant a single word of it yet his tone, body language, and expression reflected his words perfectly. 

 

"Your welcome, kiddo.", Patton smiled warmly at him. 

 

"I didn't mean any of that. Patton, the others can be trusted, you guys just need to give them a chance."

 

"Honestly, I don't know why I stayed with them for so long. All they did was cause trouble and made me miserable.", A spiteful growl left Virgil's lips. 

 

The anxious side thought he saw Patton's warm smile fade slightly. 

 

"Maybe because you didn't have any other option.", Patton smiled sadly, "We didn't give you any. We had no idea how horrible you had it. But now we do and there's no need to worry anymore. We won't let them hurt you."

 

The moral side placed a comforting hand on his knee, "I promise."

 

"They've never hurt me! I was perfectly fine! I just wanted respect. And they deserve the same!"

 

"I'm….still afraid, Pat.", Virgil mentally swore. What the hell was going on?!

 

"I know. But I'll always be here. And so will Roman and Logan."

 

"Thanks. That makes me feel a little better.", Virgil finally returned his smile. 

 

"No, you all are part of the problem. I'll never feel comfortable if I have to choose between two halves of my family!"

 

His true feelings were locked up nice and tight. Virgil learned very quickly that what he actually thought was met with consequences. Nasty ones. Patton pulled him aside after everyone had fallen asleep. 

 

"I'm sure you've caught on by now, Virgil.", The moral side said simply, "Unfortunately, as I predicted, you aren't weak enough to convince completely. You still have some free will in there. You Dark Sides really are a pain."

 

He adjusted his glasses with a sigh but smiled brightly nonetheless, "But that's a-okay! I've got a little back up! If you're going to be our family Virgil, I'll have to set some rules first!", Patton handed him a small pocket knife, "Hurt yourself."

 

Virgil blinked at the request. Patton's sweet smile remained, "For every forbidden thought you have, you are to hurt yourself with varying severity."

 

The anxious side's blood went cold. Judging by his expression, Patton wasn't kidding. "Hmm, since you had three forbidden thoughts today, let's start off with three wounds. Do it.", He commanded. 

 

Virgil's hand moved, despite him trying to fight back against the urge forced on him. He reached for his face, ready to cut just below his eye but the moral side caught his wrist, guiding it back down. 

 

"Ah, ah, kiddo. Not on areas where others can see.", Patton purred, "We wouldn't raise suspicion now, would we?"

 

He guided the anxious side's hand down further. , "Here. Your stomach. I think there's a good start."

 

Patton released him, watching as Virgil lifted his shirt. "Under your belly button, Virge. Since you had the guts to bring them up in a positive light."

 

Virgil's teeth sank into his bottom lip as he penetrated his skin, dragging it along to the other side, hot blood already beginning to soak his lower half.

 

"Your chest now, kiddo. One under and one in the center."

 

Virgil complied, holding back a scream as the excruciating pain shot through him. Patton let it drag on, taking his sweet time in telling him to stop. 

 

"Okey dokey!~ That's enough for now.", Patton clapped. 

 

Virgil stopped on command. He made a mess, though it was nothing compared to the agony he felt. His blood was still gushing out of him, the sight, the pain, made him burst into quiet tears. 

 

Patton's smile remained but he rolled his eyes, "Oh, hush. You're a Dark Side, you've had worse and those wounds will heal almost right away.", The moral side pat his cheek, "Now go clean up and head to bed. We have some filming to do tomorrow."

 

Patton began to walk away but stopped briefly, "Oh, and welcome to the family!"

 

With that, he left. 

 

From then on Virgil was forced to treat the Dark Sides exactly how Patton did. He didn't know how long Patton had him under control but it was apparently it was long enough that Janus had decided to take things into his own hands and make an appearance. Virgil was so overwhelmed with joy, he had completely forgotten the situation he was trapped in. 

 

"Dee! I'm so happy to see you!"

 

"Anyone who doesn't understand that should just shut up.", Virgil felt sick to his stomach. No, no!

 

The hurt on Janus's face filled him with so much guilt, "Virgil...it's me.", He said with an uncertain, broken voice, pointing to himself. , "Aren't we friends?"

 

"Of course we are! More than that, we're family!"

 

Virgil scoffed, "I'm not so sure we are."

 

Janus proceeded in his attempt to convince Thomas on his own and all Virgil could do was sit there, wishing he could scream that he didn't mean it.

 

Eventually, Janus being the clever snake he was, found his own way of having his voice heard. Virgil was happy, proud even but the guilt he felt was awful. If he had been there, this transition period would have been a lot smoother and they could've worked on it together. 

 

Patton was having none of it. The more obvious it became that the Dark Sides were getting closer to their goal, the more he doubled down on Virgil behaving more and more cruel forcing him to take his side at every turn. 

 

And every time Virgil wanted to shout that he was being controlled. That he didn't mean a word of it. He desperately wanted to embrace Janus and Remus and apologize for every nasty thing he was forced to say to them. 

 

And every time he thought that way, Patton punished him. There was nothing he could do. He may be stuck like this forever, regardless if the others were accepted or not. Patton would find a way to use him to undo all their progress. 

 

----

 

"Virgil really just abandoned us all and cozied up to ol' four eyes, huh?", Remus snarled with disgust. 

 

Janus hummed with agreement, resting his chin on his conjoined fingers, "Yes, it seems so.", He turned to the shorter side, "You know why, right?"

 

Remus kicked the chair next to him, " 'Course. I ain't fucking stupid! But what are we going to do? Personally, I just want to charge in there and beat the shit out of him until he lets Virgil go. But I'm guessing you're looking for something more tactful."

 

Janus, "Leave it to me, Remus. We'll go with the original plan of getting the other's defenses down."

 

"And Virgil?"

 

"We'll set him free, rest assured. But as you said we can't just rush into this. There's also the subject of demasking Patton's true nature. We'll have to settle that first if we want a solution long term."

 

"It sounds like Virgil's going to have to hang in there for awhile.", Remus gripped his sleeve in frustration. 

 

"Yes, with you watching over him."

 

Remus blinked, surprised. 

 

Janus merely smirked, "I trust you can protect him as much as possible in the meantime. Just...try not to be too obvious. I don't want to put our stormcloud in any further danger."

 

Remus beamed, pounding his chest proudly, "Roger that, cap!"

 

"Good.", Janus turned away from his younger sibling with a frown, "It'll be a long road but eventually, he will pay."

 

The deceitful side looked down, rubbing his thumb along the old hoodie Virgil had left behind. "Stay strong, Virgil."

@unsympathetic-october-2020

[findmeintheshalllows]

just in case anyone happens to see this, tw: assault, self harm, blood, drugs, self hatred, over all venting

hhhhhh I need to vent this out where no one can hear me.

I've been having really intense flashbacks again and it's triggering so many relapses.

I’ve been waking up with blood everywhere again. I just don’t care after a SH session, and I'm usually so tired I just pass out on the bathroom floor. I don’t clean the cuts or try and make them better. Everything that has happened to me is my own fault - it’s obvious. I deserve to do this to myself. I don’t deserve to be pain-free. I don’t deserve to eat or feel nourished. I deserve this reminder everyone my clothes brush against the cuts. I deserve it when a friend goes to lovingly touch my shoulder, but they unknowingly touch my cuts and cause pain. That's looping in my head 24/7.

I’ve been having flashbacks again.

I’m just now beginning to process it. It wasn’t fair. I was so fucking young when it started.

Neighbors, family friends, other kids - it was non-stop growing up and the adults in my life did nothing about it. Then when I started abusing pills and drugs at age 12, and when I started starving and cutting myself, they acted like everything was fine.

I’ve never had support, or help.

It hasn’t stopped happening. From child to teenager to adult people have been taking advantage or manipulating me in so many different ways.

I made the mistake of trusting someone recently.

Two days after hanging out with her in person, I wake up to a text that starts all of this. Sending you a text every two days?? When I've already told you I'm having trouble communicating? It wasn’t necessarily that request that made me see red. It was the audacity to ask for it WHEN I ALREADY SAID I COULDNT COMMUNICATE. It was the complete disregard for my feelings, it was the not listening to me at all. After all the long talks we had.

Worst part is that I was planning on responding to her messages that morning. I told them I was going to communicate with them that Saturday! I let her know I need even more space, and then they send apologies that aren't about what actually happened - they miss the point of everything.

Im finally in a space to be able to let them know I need a step back from the relationship, although still want to be friends. because I do! Because I can’t just give up on something so important. It hurts so much. I tell them I still need space, and things just...escalate.

They give me some space for a like two weeks, but yknow, that doesn’t work for THEIR time table, so they send me a text demanding I let them know where we stand. If they scrolled up a tiny bit and if they had actually read the first message I sent, they would have been able to see where we stand without crossing my boundary and doing the exact same thing that they had just sent apology after apology for. I was clear, I was direct, and it didn’t fucking matter. (Weird, it’s almost like those apologies didn’t really mean they were sorry!! As if, just saying “I’m sorry but actually here’s why all that was happening and excuse and excuse” doesn’t really reflect actual remorse and if you just keep doing the same thing those “apologies” mean nothing!!!)

And it just gets worse.

I get texts from their mother, messages from children on tumblr. I hear about some of the things she said to others. It's all so messy. She won't take responsibility. I don’t care what state of mind you were in when you did all these things - you did them. And they fucked me up.

I eventually stop getting texts - finally - but then notifications that they liked old Instagram posts pop up. I never truly get my boundary respected.

In one of the apology messages, she brings up something that I've been trying to process for years.

They created a situation in which I had to share a motel bed with them. I really didn’t want to - the last time we shared a bed I was way too drunk to be doing that (and when we wrestled when I was recovering from pneumonia, was that really a good idea? What were your intentions? I’m not sure if they matched mine, especially now that I have 0 trust in you), and I crossed my own boundaries - and I felt so wrong about it in the motel. I thought - desperately wanted to believe - that it was an honest mistake. I completely shut down when they brought it up years later, and admitted that it was in fact not a mistake.

They gave me every reason and excuse for them to have done something like that several times, but I couldn't really hear any of it.

This was the foundation of our relationship. I should have known.

So when they couldn’t respect my boundary ( “please give me space” ) everything just all came flooding back. If they can't respect my boundary when I'm being clear and direct, then I don't think they respect me at all.

It’s making it so hard to resolve this. Every time I go to message them I get a huge panic attack and it’s draining everything from me. I don’t want it to be over, I want to go back to when I thought they were my friend. I’m so fucking loyal, but I cannot allow myself to be treated this way. If I can’t trust you, I can’t be around you - I won’t feel safe around you, and I need to feel safe around the people I spend time with.

Anyone who thinks I can just simply end something as important as a relationship like that suddenly is dead wrong, and they don’t know a thing about me. I’ve never ended something suddenly or on a whim, but if that’s something you need to tell yourself to feel better then go for it I guess.

Because this has been building up for a little bit now. I remember the phone call when they showed me they were smoking again. It felt like a sick sense of pride too. It’s not my fucking job to tell you to quit - but I wanted to crawl out of my skin and leave the room in that moment. Something in the relationship died then. All I could think about was the smell of cigarette smoke coming from someone I care about and everything that smell brings up. I don’t think there’s a way for me to be in any kind of relationship with someone who smokes cigs. At least not until therapy. Until I can smell it without panicking.

We always talked about how we'd handle our first fight.

We'd say there'd be direct communication and respect.

But they're not treating me like they respect me.

This isn't even a fight -- its way beyond that.

If you try to tear down my boundary that's...that's gonna get a severe and sudden reaction from me.

Because ever since I was a child, people who are much bigger and much stronger than me have violently ripped away my boundaries.

Because even though I fucking hate myself, I need to enforce these boundaries.

I just want to close my eyes, go to sleep, and never wake up. I don't want to keep living with this. It hangs over me and seeps into everything in my life.

I was just a kid...

[sadsapphicslut]

chapter one - original story (i havent come up with a title yet lol)

okay so here it is!! if anyone actually reads this i love u :) please leave feedback if u have any!! 

TWs:

death, drugs, medication, mental illness, references to sex, swearing, alcohol

wordcount: 8.2k

(also i dont think anyone will but im paranoid of people stealing my writing so obligatory dont copy/post to another site or steal my work in any other ways etc)

There were five of us; 4 boys and me. In hindsight I realize from the outside our group probably seemed a little predatory, but it was never really like that. For the most part they were like brothers to me. Of course, being the only girl in a small and isolated club of mainly older boys, things were bound to happen. We were in high school and it was summer, can you blame me? Regardless, however much I loved them, it was not quite in the way my father always assumed or my mother always warned (during our uncomfortable monthly visitations before I managed to get rid of her for good).

The months everything went down, which I often referred to only as ‘The Worst Summer of My Life’, (quite melodramatically but not without reason) were somehow still full of the best moments of my life. Moments I often find myself wishing I could repeat, as nothing has or will ever come close to the way I felt, sitting amongst my boys day after day, somehow light as the warm July breeze that blew past us. My entire body weightless, as non-existent as the time that passed us by. Despite the depression I’d found myself plunged into during the days after my only brother’s death, I truly believe I will never again be as happy as I was then. Laughter seemed to flow freely from our mouths, smiles plastered onto our faces no matter the circumstances, content to just exist. I don’t think I can ever forget the day it was raining so hard the entire city was flooded, but we walked around uptown well past the point of being absolutely drenched, our clothes dripping so heavily the security guard denied us entry into the public library. Something about that day made me feel so free, like we were invisible. Completely apathetic to the whims of the real world, somehow existing only in our twisted minds and intertwined fantasies.

Maybe if I’d had my head screwed on a little tighter, or if we’d met under different circumstances, it wouldn’t have ended the way it did. I used to go down that line of thought every night before succumbing to a fitful but heavy sleep (under the direct affect of 25mg of Quetiapine, working to counteract my Concerta and Lexapro). Those types of irrational thoughts were ones my therapist deemed as my habit for rumination. In regard to the death of my brother she called it ‘bargaining’, one of the stages of grief. I never liked it when she spoke about those stages as I’ve always felt them to be wrong. Maybe because I never quite moved on to the final one, no matter how many years pass. ‘Acceptance’, coined as the “Re-entrance to reality”. Maybe it’s different since I was never really grounded to reality in the first place. I still wake up some mornings, thinking I’ve heard his voice in the other room, ready to beguile me with tales from his day of retail work. Other times I swear I’ve walked past him on the street. Some people may relate to my experiences, with reasonings of ghosts, angels, apparitions, or insanity, among many other causes for the apparent viewing of a loved one long gone to the other side. I never shared these beliefs, but I am not one to deny. Rather, I always take these instances as an omen. A warning. I have come to this conclusion not without evidence, at least circumstantial, given the many occasions over the years – and especially that summer – where I found my hypothesis to be true. All I can say is that I am glad I’ve never been met with the same chimerical visions of my mother; one can only hope that is because she ended up where she belonged. Maybe I’ll see her there, though I hope at the very least they could keep us in separate rooms of Hell if the situation does arise.

From what I know of the others now, which is admittedly not much – majorly due to my own neglect, as opposed to theirs – they share the same prescription for rose-coloured glasses as I. We always were too engrossed with our own romanticization of nostalgia and sentiment that it clouded our view. I often think this was one of the reasons we seemed to fit so well together. Not quite like puzzle pieces, too self-absorbed to hold a candle to that analogy, more like complimentary colours. I wish it could’ve stayed the way it was. We did try, and I never found myself able to fully disentangle myself from James, nor he could to I, but for most of us we could recognize an ending when one arises. I used to find myself using the word tragedy a lot while reminiscing, but I no longer think that word is appropriate. Fate is a more fitting term in my opinion, regardless of if one believes in it or not. “(A)n inevitable and often adverse outcome, condition, or end,” as reported by Merriam Webster. I don’t think there’s a word in the entire English language more accurate in describing how everything ended up; and if there is, I am yet to find it.

  Chapter One

A Dead Brother

          I have tried to erase the day my brother died from my memory so many times I lost count decades ago. I still find the image seeping into my unconsciousness quite dreadfully on the nights I neglect to take my pills and catch myself waking up with a steady flow of tears that dampen my pillow along with the drool that always seems to pour from my sleeping mouth. The dread that pools in my stomach sometimes being heavy enough for me to lose my lunch. I frequently wonder how people managed to reassure me that it wasn’t my fault; the most painful lie I’ve ever been told and one that seemed to stream from people’s mouths as easily as the mini sandwiches laid in the living room of my brother’s wake were stuffed in. The worst part about being told it wasn’t my fault was how obviously one could tell they didn’t believe what they were saying either. His death was my fault; a fact so uncontestable I wanted to kill myself every time I was reminded of it.

           My therapist often tried to remind me that even if his death was “partially” (she always used the word partially, refusing to acknowledge the truth that his death was entirely my fault) my fault, there was nothing I could’ve done to prevent it. This was another lie I despised being told. There were a million ways I could have prevented his death or saved his life and yet, here we are, with him dead and me wishing everyday that I won’t wake up tomorrow. “Begonia,” she’d tell me – she was the only person who called me by my full name, I usually went by Nia, but a nickname felt too personal and I didn’t like her very much – “You mustn’t keep torturing yourself with these scenarios. He’s dead, and there is nothing you can do to change that. I am starting to wonder if you are going to let yourself move on. This isn’t healthy.” That was a line she liked to use a lot, “this isn’t healthy”. As if anything I do is.

           Barb, my therapist that is, liked to go over the details of my brother’s death a lot. She often called it a ‘trigger’, which is why she always seemed to want me to talk about it. “Trauma is a horrible thing, Begonia, and you must learn to move past it, process it. I can see you still haven’t managed to do that on your own, and that’s what I’m here for, to help you move on.” Barb was big on the idea of  “moving past trauma” and “learning to cope”, she often sounded like a broken record of a motivational speech. I found myself comparing her to school guidance councillors without realizing it, they were about equally as helpful (read: not helpful) in my opinion.

           Sometimes I blame my inability to forget and “move past” my brother’s death on the way Barb constantly brought it up and made me go through it. I never quite understood how that part of my therapy was supposed to help me. I asked her once, what good was it doing rehashing the worst day of my life?

           “Well, Begonia,” I hated the way she said my name, always so condescending and sour, like even the idea of me questioning her in any way was as impolite as shitting on her desk.

“You have to understand that I only want to help you. You seem to be unable to process your traumas on your own, which is why we need to go through these things. As you are aware, this PTSD,” she always left strange pauses after each letter, her slow tone grinding on my ears, “you have acquired has left you unable to function normally in daily life. I want you to get to a place where you can have a normal life (Ha!) and cope without these meetings. It’s what your brother would’ve wanted.” Barb liked to tell me what my brother would have wanted at least once every session. Putting aside the fact she knew next to nothing about him aside from the intimate details on how he died, I always thought it was an inappropriate thing to say as a psychologist specializing in grief counselling. It never particularly bothered me, I was reasonable enough to realize she was just trying to comfort me, but I never liked the phrase. “What your brother would’ve wanted.” What he would’ve wanted was to not die but we’re past that, aren’t we Barb, as you so often enjoyed telling me.  

I have always been quite averse to my diagnoses, ADHD at 14, Persistent Depressive Disorder at 15, PTSD at 16, issues with alcohol and drugs that landed me in rehab more than once. I’ve been on a concoction of different medications since I was 13, even before I was diagnosed with anything officially. Sertraline, Lexapro, Prozac, Ritalin, Concerta, Adderall, Quetiapine, Ambien, Zopiclone, a healthy mix of off brand and branded medications. Sleeping pills, antidepressants, stimulants. I can’t remember a time before monthly trips to the drug store and side effect surveys that I’m not sure if I ever told the truth on. It’s a wonder that people didn’t see a slew of addiction issues coming from a mile away.

I think I’ve always had the most contention with my PTSD diagnosis though, I hate it because I know it’s undeniably true. I wish it wasn’t because maybe that’d mean my brother was still alive, but he isn’t. And I’m left traumatized and bereaved. Sometimes it feels like it hurt me more than it ever did my mother or father. Maybe it did. I should feel selfish for saying that, but I can’t, because they didn’t have to look at him while the life left his body, praying to God for the ability to turn back time. See the moment his eyes glazed over, knowing I’d never get to hear his obnoxious laugh, or make fun of his dumb face ever again.

  ❈

             “Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.”

It was a cool evening in May, the end of spring brought with it the promise of summer and the air had the familiar aroma of daffodils and petrichor. I had decided to go to a party with my friend Faun, my dad having been out at his girlfriend’s place for the weekend and me having nothing better to do. I wasn’t one for partying, but I did like to get high, so I usually just hung around with the rest of the potheads and pill junkies until someone dragged me home or I fell asleep. That night Don, a friend of a friend of a friend, had brought coke and E and we were all determined to get as fucked up as possible. Faun only ended up doing one line before running into a bedroom with some guy whose name started with an M – was it Martin or Marvin? Maybe it was Mickey – and left me sitting on the couch beside a girl who was about 1 more shot of vodka away from passing out.

I had fully intended on doing some coke, but the E seemed to be hitting harder than I was used to. I was sure my Ritalin had worn off by then but maybe I was wrong. As I stood up to get a glass of water I nearly fell over and decided to sit back down. Turning to face Don, I tapped him on the shoulder trying to get his attention.

“What was in that molly?” I was vaguely aware of the way my words were slurring, but I felt weirdly energized. I was aware my heart was beating a little too fast, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I knew what ecstasy felt like, this was not nearly my first time doing it, but I felt really wrong.

           “Don!” He turned to look at me and I felt uneasy. His eyes looked a little crazed – not that out of the ordinary but given the circumstances I was worried – “What the fuck did you give me?” It felt like I’d done 5 lines of coke in the last 2 minutes and I knew that E had been spiked.

           Don’s face had an unmistakable expression of guilt written on it as he leaned down and whispered in my ear, his voice shaking, “I think it was cut with meth.” Fuck. My stomach dropped. I have to get out of here. I quickly shot up from the musty couch I was sat on, carefully holding onto Don’s shoulder so I didn’t fall, my legs still feeling unsteady. I opened my phone; the screen was too bright, and I had a hard time maneuvering it as I attempted to exit the house. Clicking the green Messages icon, I sent a text to Faun – e ws cut w meth im lesving – with shaky hands and burst out the door into the fresh air. I clicked my brother’s contact and pressed call.

           It rang four times before he picked up.

           “Nia? Why are you calling me it’s like 1am?” I could tell from the smooth tone of his voice he’d been drinking. He didn’t very often but he had an appreciation for cocktails and enjoyed getting buzzed now and then. He still was a year from being legal to drink but his friends we’re all 19 and 20 and bought alcohol for him. I found him fun when he got drunk, becoming talkative and giggly, but right now I wished so badly for him to be sober.

           “Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.” I was slurring, my voice a bit too pitchy to pass as anything but high. I knew he didn’t like it when I did this, but he never ratted me out. Sometimes I wish he did, maybe I never would’ve been able to go to that party in the first place.

           I could hear a door shutting on his end, I assumed he was going into a different room. “What’s wrong?” My skin was bubbling with anxiety at the prospect of having to tell him what I did.

           “Fuck, uh… I did something stupid. I’m at Emily Goguen’s, y’know up in Champlain Heights. Please pick me up.” I rarely used the word please.

“Nia, what the fuck did you do?” I almost started crying but I found my eyes to be bone dry.

“Please don’t yell.”

“Okay, really, tell me what is going on or I won’t come get you.”

“I accidentally took meth.”

“You what? What the fuck, Nia! Fuck this I’m on my way and I’m fucking telling Dad.” I cringed but I knew he was going to before I even called. The pit in my stomach grew deeper as the buzzing of my skin grew stronger. I could feel myself getting higher, everything was so clear and standing around was making me grow restless. Ray huffed on the phone and I heard him entering his car.

His tone was softer the next time he spoke. “I’ll be there in 5, just stay put, please. Do you want me to stay on the call or can I hang up?”

I felt like a child, which I was really, only 16 at the time, a whole life ahead of me. Still, I was grateful for the way he spoke to me, reminiscent of being 6 and getting a scrapped knee after falling off my pink Razor scooter. The high made me edgy, and my voice was sharp to my ears, “No, you can hang up.” I heard the click to indicate he’d done just that, and started pushing my cuticles as I waited, the task somehow greatly interesting me, and I did not realize until later I had managed to pick off all of the skin around my pointer and middle fingernails during the five-minute wait.

 Ray pulled up exactly five minutes later in his ugly, blue 2011 Ford Fiesta he’d gotten the year prior after passing his driving test. What I wouldn’t do now to smell the inside of that car once again, a distinct attar of pineapple car freshener and Old Spice deodorant mixed with stale black tea, faintly present due to his ever-growing collection of empty paper cups from various different fast foods and coffee shops.

I stumbled into the car, feeling the strong impulse to clean the space, but attempting to push it down. From the passenger side overhead mirror I could see my blown pupils and sweaty forehead, pieces of my copper red hair sticking to my face. My freckles were showing through my concealer that had mostly worn off and I wanted to cover them back up. My skin was pale from winter (and probably the drugs in my system) but my cheeks were flushed like I was drunk. My high cheekbones made my face look gaunt in the lighting, but my face was wide which balanced it out, so I didn’t look completely skeletal. Ray was looking at me, the worry apparent in his eyes, but his face was flushed as well, and I could tell he’d been drinking a bit too much to drive. I had my license as well, but it was clear I was in no condition to take over on that front, so I didn’t bother saying anything. I wish I had. There’s a lot of things I wish. I wish I hadn’t gone to that party; I wish I hadn’t taken that E; I wish I called someone else; I wish I waited it out at Emily’s; I wish I walked home; I wish I took a cab; I wish I waited for Faun; I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.

“Are you okay?” He didn’t take his eyes off me as I shut the mirror in front of me.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll be fine. Please just take me home.”

“Is Dad there?”

“No.”

“Maybe I should take you to Mom’s.”

“No!” I’d moved out of my mom’s completely just over 6 months ago, barely seeing her once a month. It was one of the best decisions I’d ever made. She never liked me much anyways, the feeling was entirely mutual. Ray seemed to have a close bond with her for some reason despite how she treated him like shit. I never called him out though, he no longer lived with her, so I didn’t really care what their relationship was as long as she wasn’t hurting him. She did treat him significantly better than me, however, so I figured maybe he managed to forgive her the way I never could.

“Okay, but I’m staying with you until Dad gets home. I’m not gonna lie to him about this shit. Fucking meth, Nia? Seriously?”

“It was in the molly.” He sighed and started driving.

 My brain felt like it was filled with butterflies, or ants, some kind of movement that was itching at my skull. The paper cups scattered around were making me anxious and I needed to clean his car. I began picking at my nails again, but I needed to pick up those cups, you see. I turned around and started gathering the ones Ray had discarded in the back, filling up an empty plastic bag from Best Buy. I was fully switched around in my seat, nearly crawling into the backseat to reach the trash my brother had left. I felt him tap my side, I looked over at him and he started to scold me.

“Nia, stop that will you, you’re distracting me.” But I needed to finish gathering the cups. The car was dirty, and my skin was itching, the traffic lights burning my skin. I was elated and I didn’t want to listen to him, he was just trying to get in my way. I continued to lean over, not registering the swerve of the car as he looked over at me.

“Nia – ”

He turned over to push me back into my seat, his eyes leaving the road for no more than a few seconds. This time I felt the swerve as we broke into the next lane.

 This is where I have a hard time piecing together what happened. From what I was told, we ended up running directly into a 2015 Dodge Ram 2500. In case you understandably have a lack of knowledge when it comes to cars, that is a very large, sturdy, and expensive pickup truck which I would probably consider the last vehicle you’d want to charge headfirst into while going 70km per hour. I don’t recall the actual incident of hitting the truck, whether that be from the drugs, the position I was in, or hitting my head on the roof of the car, I don’t know. What I do know is that when I woke up, we were in a ditch on the side of the road, with the car flipped upside down, and my entire body was screaming at me to Get Out!

I felt blood oozing sluggishly from my head and noted some indistinct pain in my right wrist where it had scraped something pretty badly and gotten twisted, but I otherwise felt alright. I couldn’t tell if the cloudiness in my head was from a concussion or the earlier events of the night, but I figured it was probably good I was awake, regardless of how dazed I seemed.

I turned my head to the left and was greeted by a view I will never be able to forget, it having been branded to the insides of my eyelids, scorched in my mind. Ray, with his left arm twisted in spectacular fashion, reminding me of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, after Lockhart spells away Harry’s bones. My brother had always been squeamish with broken bones and I hoped he wasn’t aware of how his limb looked at the moment. His head was bleeding quite profusely, and I was alarmed despite how many times I’d heard in movies that headwounds bleed a lot. His eyelids were fluttering, irises appearing glassy and unfocussed. And then I saw it. A piece of glass was stuck in the left side of his neck. The windshield apparently had broken with the impact and my brother was lucky enough to get a piece lodged right in his trachea. It was thick, bright red blood –  that I could’ve sworn was sparkling in my current inebriated perspective – was gushing out the side, so heavy I could smell it, taste it, in the air. I was frozen once I realized.

Do something, do something! Put pressure on it! Call 9-1-1! My mind was screaming at me, but it was all I could do to sit and watch the blood stain his clothes. He was wearing the corduroy jacket I’d gotten him for his birthday and a white button up, the red seeped into them until it was as if they’d always been that colour. My voice was caught in my throat, but I managed to push some sound past.

“Ray?” It was weaker than a whisper but in the silence that seemed to envelope us in that car, completely independent of the outside world and sirens that could surely be heard from blocks away, I knew he would be able to hear me.

He looked up, eyes focussing slightly on me, and a tear slipped down his face, only it went the wrong way since we were still upside down. He mouthed the words “I love you”. We never said that to each other. As close as we were, our relationship had always been more comparable to that of a best friend than sibling. We weren’t overly affectionate, never hugged or said I love you, hung out for enjoyment rather than as a punishment. Most people didn’t know we were brother and sister until we pointed it out, we never really looked alike and were absent of the traditional distaste and rivalry usually present between siblings. I knew, as he looked me in the eyes and said those words, this would be the last time I’d ever see him outside of a morgue.

I sat in my seat next to him with dry eyes, wishing desperately I could cry, needing to express the feeling of utter horror and despondency that completely overtook my body and mind, but I couldn’t. Barb told me time and time again that I was in shock, there was nothing I could’ve done, but I will never be able to believe that. I still remember the moment the final tear slipped down his face. He smiled at me, pain evident in his eyes. His entire body was covered in the metallic smelling red, and I wanted to vomit. I wish I could say the crash had sobered me, but it didn’t, not really. I was still entirely in a daze as I saw his muscles relax, smiling falling from his face, eyes not quite rolling back all the way but enough to give me nightmares for the next 20 years. The life had been absorbed from his body, leaving a heavy shell. I was told afterwards this all happened within the span of 10 minutes, but it felt like years. By the time the first responders had appeared I was an old woman. Grayed hair, and arthritic bones. Mourning for the brother I’d lost oh so many years ago, when I was just a girl. I think in a way I died in that car with him, I never was really the same. But who would be? Best friend and confidant, older brother, idol, dying in front of your eyes as you do nothing, knowing for the rest of your life that his death is – was – your fault. Knowing you could’ve done something, anything really, to prevent his untimely loss of life before the paramedics arrived. If I’d been the same after that night I would have to be much more disturbed than I ever thought.

I sat in that car beside Ray’s corpse for 3 more minutes before I heard the sirens closing in around us – me. I thought I might pass out, either from the toll of what I’d just witnessed or from my concussion, but I remained upright, probably from the adrenaline. I couldn’t move so I just waited, and hoped I’d die too before anyone reached the scene. It would be much preferrable to any other outcome I could think of at the time. I could vaguely register the pain in my wrist, but I felt so numb I’m sure you could’ve shot me in the foot and I wouldn’t have blinked.

A young fireman named Walter ended up getting me out of the car. The door was smashed and stuck which meant I’d been trapped in there either way. I was happy I hadn’t bothered trying to escape as I'm terribly claustrophobic and finding out I couldn’t would have thrown me into a proper panic attack. The fireman was incredibly nice, saying reassuring things the entire time they were opening the door with the “Jaws of Life”. I ended up seeing him again in the hospital actually, or at least that’s what my father told me. He wanted to check in on me and left me some hydrangeas in a vase. I always preferred chrysanthemums but I'm not that picky when it comes to a floral arrangement.

After the door was busted open I was carried out by Walter. I was shaking and apparently babbling nonsense but in my head I was trying to tell them to save Ray. I wasn’t really aware of all that much, completely blind to the crowd of spectators that had rudely gathered to witness the violence – wasn’t it supposed to be taboo to stop at a car crash? Wondering vaguely about what happened and wishing you could get a better look as you drive past the scene.  My head wound had made me a bit incompetent and the meth in my system was really not helping the entire situation.

I was laid on a gurney and rolled onto an ambulance. I don’t remember much about the ride; the sirens, the bright lights, a paramedic named Alice who spoke softly, smoothing out my hair while the other put an oxygen mask on my face (which I wasn’t entirely cognizant enough to question though now I'm not really sure why they did it) and splinted my wrist. Alice asked me if I was on drugs and I nodded but was unable to speak when she asked me what ( I would find this a common occurrence after the accident, my voice seemingly stolen alongside Ray’s). She just nodded and said something to the other ME that I didn’t quite pick up. She asked if I could tell her my name and I shook my head. She must’ve noticed the iPhone in my pocket and grabbed it, turning to the medical ID page.

“Is your name Begonia?” I nodded, though the name sounded foreign on my ears. I liked the way Alice said it though, she had a light Spanish accent and a matronly tone that made me feel safe. I wondered if she had kids of her own; she looked young, but my own mother had me at 19 so who could say? She told me her name after complimenting mine. “Begonia is a beautiful name; I love the flowers. I’m Alice, okay? We’re gonna make sure you’re alright and take you to the hospital.” Her voice was sweet like syrup and I became sleepy as she spoke.

“No honey, you can’t fall asleep yet. Just stay awake a little bit longer and I promise you they’ll let you sleep at the hospital.”

  I don’t remember anything of the rest of the ride to the hospital. I was dropped off at the Emergency Room at the Regional, head still too foggy to allow me to recall anything before I was sitting in a white bed, in a white room, with white sheets and a light blue hospital gown on. It was morning and my father was sitting at the end of my bed in an uncomfortable plastic chair, his eyes bloodshot and moist. He’d very obviously been crying for a long time and my chest panged with guilt. I reached up to feel my head and realized there was a cast on my wrist. With my other hand I touched the cotton that covered my forehead, wincing when I felt the sting of what had to be stitches in a nasty gash. I would spend the next 5 years of my life with a variety of diverse haircuts that attempted to hide the ugly scar that served as a reminder of the worst night of my life. Even now it is still extremely obvious, but I can’t be bothered to try and hide it, I so rarely look in the mirror that it wouldn’t matter if my skin turned blue.

My dad hadn’t looked up, so I attempted to gain his attention but once again found my voice failing me. I tapped on the bed a few times before he seemed to realize and face me.

“Nia… how are you feeling?” His voice was raspy and thin. He reeked of cigarettes and stale coffee, though this wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. I remained silent as he looked at me, searching my face for something I'm not sure he found.

“Nia, I, I'm not sure how to say this to you.” Here it comes. Almost worse than watching my brother die, the confirmation. “Ray, he’s, well dead.” I saw my father’s eyes begin to tear up again as I stared straight ahead. I couldn’t feel the sobs that racked my body, nor the hot tears streaming from my eyes. I saw my dad start to move closer but sit back down when I flinched. Of course, I knew my brother was dead; I had front row seats to watching the event happen, but somehow I still didn’t believe it until the words left my father’s mouth. According to my dad, who many years later described to me how eery the whole event was, my sobs were completely silent, and I was entirely unaware of everything happening around me. This dissociation lasted the first few days after the accident, and the entirety of my hospital stay. Leaving the blissful gap in my memory I have now.

Barb told me this was my mind’s way of coping with the tragedy and stress of what happened. I was honestly just happy I had an excuse to skip some of the dreadful retelling she forced upon me.

 ❈

             The funeral was of course a depressing and solemn event. I was still yet to speak and found myself thankful for the way people gave up on trying to get me to communicate. I dressed in a black skirt with a black short sleeved button up. A dark coat thrown around my shoulders as the cast on my right hand was too big to fit through the sleeve. I looked terrible, barely a week out of hospital before I watched Ray sink into the ground. The wound on my forehead was still quite nasty, though it looked better than it did before. I tried to cover it up with my hair but was unsuccessful. I got bangs soon after.

           The matter was very traditional, taking place in a church even though none of our family was really religious. It was only the second time I'd ever been in a church, the first having been for my cousin Julie’s wedding when I was four years old. I don’t remember anything of it aside from the material of my dress itching at my neck and making me rather miserable. Of course, not nearly as miserable as I was the day of the funeral, sitting in a pew at the front of the church, listening to a priest claiming Ray would’ve wanted us to celebrate his life. I knew this not to be true; Ray was extremely dramatic and would’ve cherished the thought of everyone he’d ever spoken to moping around for weeks after his death, beside themselves with grief. He sometimes referred to himself as “Romeo” after having been broken up with by another girl he was supposedly in love with, stating he better just stab himself in the heart now if he couldn’t have her. On the rare occasion he broke up with a girlfriend, he’d lounge around, eating ice cream, pretending to not be upset and comparing his cold heart to that of Richard VIII. The concept of him being any different over his death was almost comical; Ray was nothing if not predictable.

           I sat beside my father, who sat beside my mother (it was an extremely awkward arrangement that neither I nor my father cared for) and seemed to have the idea that I could evaporate if I thought hard enough about it. Unfortunately, I did not evaporate, or even come close to it, instead finding myself exactly where I'd been the whole time. I mostly tuned out the service, only really paying attention when my father and Ray’s best friend, Jake spoke. I managed to escape the duty of having to speak that day thanks to my fragile mental state and mutism. Though I'm sure I would’ve been forced all the same if I had been able to talk in any capacity, regardless of where my head was at.

           Faun was sitting in the pew behind me, feeling quite guilty about the whole ordeal. Or friendship dissolved soon after, I think she blamed herself for taking me to the party. It didn’t bother me too much though; we were never the closest and I sometimes thought her to be extremely annoying. An endless stream of shitty boyfriends that she only acquired so she could further repress her sexuality. When we were 14 we kissed at a sleepover and she admitted she was in love with me. I felt bad for not returning the feeling and our relationship had been on rocky territory ever since. I don’t understand how she thought she was in love with me since she barely knew anything about me, but either way she never brought it up again and soon after the monsoon of boytoys had begun.

           My brother’s friends and ex-girlfriends also attended the event. I didn’t approach any of them, far too scared they’d blame me for the death of their friend. One of them, Alex, went up to me to say how sorry he was about everything that happened. He was crying quite heavily (I later found out he was the friend Ray had been drinking with and the second last person to see him alive) and I could smell alcohol on his breath. I stood there while he spoke, telling me about how great my brother was as if I was wholly unaware. Body waving side to side as he stood with his hand on the wall beside me. He offered me some bronze liquid in a flask, and I obliged, savouring the burning sensation that followed in my throat. Alex’s voice was steady and deep, reminding me of my father’s. I’m not sure how long we stood there, him spinning a fantastic web of anecdotes and stories about my brother, some entirely new to my ears. We passed the beverage back and fourth until it was empty. My head felt lighter and heavier somehow simultaneously, and I found it much easier to listen to Alex talk. Later he tried to kiss me in my bedroom during the wake. His mouth was sour, and his tongue seemed too big for his mouth. I wondered how he was able to talk so much without it getting in the way.

             We moved in procession to the cemetery after the service. The grass was a vibrant green colour, and I didn’t understand how the world kept turning after Ray’s death, for mine stopped the moment his heart failed to beat. The sky was a lovely shade of cyan-blue, with clouds so perfect they seemed animated. Pink carnations were planted near the outskirts of the yard and I could smell spring in the air; a heavy, floral aroma that never failed to comfort me. I thought it should be raining, it felt inappropriate that the weather refused to match my despair. My mind wandered as we approached the empty grave and I considered what it would be like if Ray was here beside me. He’d probably be making jokes, telling me to lighten up for a minute or my face would get stuck that way. He’d mock my silence, saying how I never managed to shut up for a minute before but suddenly I'm as proper as a nun. I'd smile, ruffling his hair to piss him off and try to refrain from laughing aloud. The absence of him only felt stronger as I imagined this scenario, so I shoved it out of my head.

           The casket was lowered into the ground, my father was a pallbearer and I often think about how he must’ve felt carrying his son’s body before watching him being buried. My mother sobbed loudly which annoyed me, it felt a bit exaggerated. I had a few tears falling from my eyes but mostly, I just felt numb. Incredibly and absolutely empty inside. To onlookers it may have seemed as though we weren’t very close, my reaction being similar to that of his ex-girlfriends’. However, this didn’t account for the loss of my voice, or the broken state I was in mentally. Maybe it was better that my reaction was rather dulled. It meant people didn’t feel the need to approach me as they did my mother. Less concerned given she was the one playing up her emotions to the point of embarrassment. My father cried, more than I but far less than my mother. He didn’t cry very often – I'd actually only seen it once prior to the whole event – and I figured he probably needed it. At this point I felt as though I'd shed enough tears to last a lifetime so Ray wouldn’t mind if I was a bit subdued in comparison. He never was a crier anyways.

           As I sprinkled soil onto his casket I imagined he was right beside me, watching, ready to criticize as usual. The dirt stained my hand, clutching the sweat and turning my skin a muddy brown colour. As I wiped the dirt on my jacket I could hear him nagging about how I better go wash my hands, what was I, a six-year-old? He was in denial about me growing up and took every chance to remind me I was still just a kid. Not that he had much on me, but I enjoyed it. I never was one to shy away from attention; at least not before. Little quirks and inside jokes between us were always some of my favourite things, the type of humour you could only get from living with someone your whole life. No matter how much his memory will fade there are some things I can’t let myself forget. His mocking tone when he’d make fun of me is one of those things. If I ever managed to let go of that sound then I must be dead as well.

           The sun beat down on my back, my skin burning in my black clothes. I wasn’t sweating yet, but most of the men around were – suit jackets aren’t exactly known for their breathability. My nose was dry and aching red, sore from how much I'd been wiping it the last couple days. Still the sweet seeping tinge of flowers and spring managed to crawl into my nose, settling underneath my skin, the buzzing from before had returned, I could feel my heartbeat loudly in my throat and had the desperate urge to just run. Instead, I just followed the rest of the party, sitting down in the passenger seat of my dad’s car. The silence that settled over us was uncomfortable and stale. He turned on the radio, Led Zeppelin filled the air around us, thankfully relieving some of the tension. I felt in my left pocket for one of the carnations I’d picked from a nearby grave earlier. The flower had begun to wilt, heat taking effect on its delicate composition. When I got home I put it in between the pages of my oldest copy of Romeo and Juliet. Ray would have found it funny if he was around to see.

The drive to my mother’s house was short and minimally awkward. We sat in silence – aside from the music – only because there was no alternative. My hand remained clutched around the dying flower in my pocket as we left the car and entered the home. Other people had already arrived, clustered in the living room, picking at tiny ham sandwiches and various desserts my mother had undoubtedly stress-baked the day before. I wasn’t hungry so I sat as far away from the food and people as humanely possible while staying in the living room, not wishing to hear my mother’s scolding about how I need to socialize more. Eventually I managed to slip away into my old bedroom, where Alex was sitting on my bed drinking a mickey of Smirnoff I assumed he swiped from my mother’s freezer. He offered it to me, and I accepted, the weird repetitive déjà vu like act, mirroring earlier and making the whole day feel like somewhat of a dream.

When I went over this part with Barb she always felt the need to emphasize that it wasn’t a dream. I knew this, obviously, which I told her every time, but she was inclined to disbelief when it came to my denial over my brother’s death. “Begonia, you must realize he’s gone. Dwelling is helping nobody, especially not you. This isn’t a healthy mindset for you to have. Always comparing living to your dreams. I want you to tell me you understand this isn’t just some dream you can wake up from.” The first time she said that to me I was thrust into a bout of wordlessness, as it struck a bit too close to home. The next time she brought it up I just told her of course, though even now I still cannot say I fully understand. How can I when all of my assumptions have been constantly disproven time and time again. How can I ever say this isn’t a dream when I'm not even sure I'm real? James always tries to reassure me, “Bee, I'm telling you, if you can feel this beat, the pulse in your wrist, your neck, your chest, you are alive,” he’ll say while pressing my hand to my wrist, but we both know it isn’t that simple.

Me and Alex made out for a few minutes until I managed to excuse myself. He was a bad kisser and tasted disgusting. I left him sitting on my old bed while I went downstairs to find my dad. He was sitting at the counter with a can of root beer, blank expression sat upon his face. When his eyes met mine he sighed, grabbing his keys out of his pocket. It was obvious neither of us wanted to be here, for numerous reasons, so we left. And if the radio stayed off as we drove home we didn’t acknowledge the silence that time. In my hand was the crumpled carnation, and for some reason it made my chest hurt. A deep ache of dread. I could feel my heartbeat, hear it over the drum of the car engine, and I crushed the flower further. I was careful not to rip it though, as if that was crossing some kind of invisible line my mind had set for me. My fingers felt waxy when I finally let go.

Back home, I opened the copy of Romeo and Juliet. I retrieved the deteriorating plant from my pocket and placed it in the center. Closing the book, I stacked it under a few dictionaries, a magazine under it so it was trapped on either side. I sat down in front of it and cried. Not the huge gasping sobs my mother seemed to fancy, nor the quiet weeping of my father. No, I cried the tears of a child who just found out their grandparents died, the soft uncomprehending grief that overcame them as they first learned what death really meant. How long forever was. My legs pulled up to my chest, hands loosely hung around knees, unable to clasp together because of my cast. I closed my eyes and I swear I could hear the sound of Ray sighing behind me, but when I opened my eyes I was alone. I went to bed, earlier than I ever had in my life, still believing it was a dream and I'd wake up like Alice after her adventures in Wonderland. But when I awoke, I was met with the slow, oozing perdure of my reality. The one which I could not wake up from, and the one where my brother was dead.

[auroraaa555]

“Domain expansion. Infinite void”

My current #1 Anime is Jujutsu Kaisen and I absolutely LOVE the idea of domain expansion. Particularly Gojo "Daddy" Satoru's Infinite Void. As I was watching episode 7 I found myself wanting to know what it would be like to experience Infinite Void so I decided to write a short scrip of what might be going on in Jogo's (aka. Mt. Fuji) mind at that moment. I hope you enjoy.

Uhh spoilers I guess.

It's my first time posting on here so take it easy on me and it's a rough draft so don't be too harsh :3

------------------

“Domain expansion. Infinite void”

Those were the last words I heard. Not even a second had passed since.

I tried to bring the Jujutsu sorcerer down, I was sure my attack had hit him and Sukuna’s vessel, but somehow not only had he stopped it but he had also laid his own domain in less than a blink of an eye. How!? What was the meaning of this!? How is his curse energy and mine on so different levels!? I HAVE TO KNOW

“Infinite void”. Those words resonate with me on a different level. I know what the six eye cursed technique was and how the limitless curse worked, this man had been blessed with both of them. I knew that since he was born yet I was naive enough to think I could take him down. I had told Geto that it would be nothing but easy work for me, after all, humans have no innate control over cursed energy as we do

“You can try, but you’ll die, Jogo” he had said. I know he is watching from some distance, Hanami is with him too, I have to make sure I stop Gojo right here, right now.

I glance up, frantically trying to make sense of what is happening, I can see how my domain is shrinking, it's getting overtaken by Gojo Satoru’s domain. He even has Sukunas vessel under his right arm, it's almost as if this is a charade for him.

Light around me flickers and turns into lines of multiple colors, I'm frozen in place, not just because of his technique but also because of the atmosphere around us, it's so dense, so powerful and so insanely destructive. light turns into darkness, the lines get longer and longer until it turns into a massive white screen of... nothing… I have been quietly watching innumerable horizons over what felt like years, it had been years right? could it be perhaps that it had only been a minute? or a second? This absolute whiteness has no direction, no up or down, no sun, no moon or clouds, no air or even a breeze, no way of telling the passing of time, just hollowness.

After a while I realized that I'm just standing on the edge of infinity. I could feel the cursed energy all around me. The whiteness is never ending, there are no colors beside this... Had the sorcerer blinded me? I tried to raise my hand, afraid of realizing that indeed I had lost my sight. To my horror I couldn't move. I knew as much since the beginning, not only that but also my legs didn't respond, I couldn't feel my heartbeat either, or even blink, my body just not … was i dead? just what the hell had happened? What kind of cursed technique had he used on me? Was his domain really that refined?

My mind is not understanding anything that's around me, there is no input of information, it's only my thoughts, and they are running wild, the prospect of being trapped in this place made me want to tear my flesh, eat my own fingers, gauge my eye, ANYTHING if it means breaking free, though, that doesn't really mean anything if i cant move.

After a while I start noticing something, there is movement! there's sound! I'm not blind! i… i … a whisper, a glimpse of color, basically undetectable but its there, somewhere. Then it hits me, i get absolutely overwhelmed by the amount of information that is just thrusted into my brain, there is just too much of everything, it doesn't stop it keeps pushing through it's like

trying to fit the whole ocean into a cup but when it resists the information just keep pushing down, there is no breaking the cup, it just keeps widening, i want to scream for it to stop, but i can't, nothing happens, just the onslaught of information.

Numbers and words simply cant convey just how much of everything there is, oh how many lives I had seen, just how many sunrises and eclipses were happening at the same time everywhere. i'm sure they were all real, even though I am still frozen in the same spot as i was, this infinite void as the sorcerer had called it is not so voidless anymore, there is so much happening, and even though to my there is no forward or backwards everything keeps moving at the speed of light

Every second is agony, the cup that is my mind has tried to explode millions of time but it keeps getting bigger and bigger, not one process is ever completed it just starts, it gives me time to understand what is happening and then it stops, just to start again, again and again. My mind is shattering. No, it has shatter many times already. No experience had prepared me for this sensation, every animal breathing, jumping, flying eating and being devoured, every human smiling, all of their suffering or success are inside my mind. I can feel millions of bites, billions of smiles, tears, eyes opening, closing, mouths saying an uncountable amount of words in all the languages that exist

“This is the inner world of limitless”

I hear the sorcerer say, even though the information was still coming, his voice was on top of everything. He put a cold hand on top of my head and smiled, i cant see him but i can somehow tell what he is doing, he is not blindfolded anymore and he is moving within this domain he seems free.

“Perception, communication, every action involved in living is forcibly carried out an infinite number of times.

He pauses for a second, that smirk of his gets bigger, i know he is looking down on me, his tone of voice is soft, like someone who is talking to a dying pet just before they pull the trigger. I don't know how, but I'm going to bring down Gojo Satoru even if it kills me!

“It's ironic isn't it? when granted everything you can't do anything but just die peacefully… but i have questions i want to ask you, so i'm letting you off the hook with this…”

The sorcerer starts grabbing my head with such force that it slowly crushes my head, unable to move, i'm trying to scream, the pressure behind my eyes is too much im totally helpless as this monster just pulls up, it feels as if the world is just spinning on this one point, it's just us, the sorcerer pulling my head, my body resisting and everything just... everything just…

A cracking noise where my spine is separating makes me get back to the ugly reality, I feel like thunder surges through my body as the sorcerer finally is able to sever my head with his hand, my body doesn't resist the pull, it just gives up and he tores not only my head but my whole column, my blood spills in every direction, but it doesn't reach him, that infinity of him stops it once again. i have been trying to understand how this works, how can he touch me

but i cant my mind is going blank … the last horrific second i can see that that the infinite void is shattering into a million pieces of glass under his feet, Sukuna’s vessel is still under Gojo’s arm, unaware of the unspeakable terror i had just been through. i start to wonder what exactly would take for someone like me to defeat this monster, Prison realm is probably not enough anymore, i … gotta… find a way…

Light starts fading …

I can spot Hanami in the distance, she has a flower in its hand. I wonder why... please just… Silence...

[aquainnie]

*. Stray Kids Reaction to You Asking for Tickles! .*

anon: “hi! you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, i totally understand if it’s too weird, but i was wondering if i could request a stray kids reaction to you asking to be tickled because you like it? if you don’t want to do this, feel free to just delete it, i really do understand. thank you ☺️.”

hello anon! i assume you’re in the tickle community of tumblr as i’ve heard of it before. although i’m not apart of that community and will literally punch you if you try to tickle me (i’m very sensitive lol), i happily did my research and wrote this for you! your community is very sweet and wholesome, and i don’t see anything wrong with tickle obsessions (unless it’s NSFW, then i’m not writing that). i hope you enjoy this and thank you for requesting!!

also! i did this in bullet point form, i hope that’s okay with you ^^

*. c h a n .*

squishy baby

you were having a bad day and just really needed some tickles

so you asked your emotional support boy boyfriend, chan

who happens to be THE sweetest person you’ve ever met??

but you were still worried he’d think you’re weird (stoopid reader)

“ᶜᴴᴬᴺ?”

“yes baby?

“ᶜᴬᴺ ᴵ ᴴᴬᵛᴱ ˢᴼᴹᴱ ᵀᴵᶜᴷᴸᴱˢ?”

“tickles?”

“ᵞᴱˢ”

although it’s an unexpected request from you, he’ll comply because your his bby

starting off small with his tickles, they’ll get bigger and grander the more he sees you laugh and squirm

by the end of the tickle session, both of you have wide grins on your faces

expect more tickles from now on you happy reader!! 

*. m i n h o .*

okay expect a complete 180 reaction from chan 

he’s just really confused okAY

the r00d minho comes out i’m ngl

when you ask, he’ll just jab your stomach a couple of times before turning around in bed, not really paying attention to your pouty and now disappointed face

minho you messed up big time >:((

so in return, you poke in on the back a couple of times

“what?”

“m o r e” :((

he turns around in curiosity and sees your sad face and then puNCHES himself in the stomach because he realized how harsh he was :<

so to apologize he scoops you into his arms and tickles the heck out of you

smooching the top of your head to say sorry

all in all,

he won’t really get it at first

but as soon as he saw your smiley face, he’ll love it

*. c h a n g b i n .*

another r00d boy tbh

but in a slightly different way actually

basically: he prefers cuddles over tickles

weird reason, right?

but he’s stubborn so he tries to coax you to ask for cuddles instead

but you’re aLSO stubborn so it’s just two tiny people brawling over which is better

“tickles won’t comfort you though!!”

“they do for me ;<”

ack, you got him reader 

freaking pathos sorry what my english class is writing argumentative essays my bad

so you end up winning no surprise

so congratulations!! you get endless tickles until he’s tired of it

enjoy them, he’ll expect cuddles from you later >:)

*. h y u n j i n .*

honestly, another boy who prefers cuddles a tad bit more

but hey, affection!!!

he just loves affection *cue him smothering every single member with hugs*

you aren’t even afraid to ask

you just sorta,, latched onto him

“can you tickle me?”

so he

gently sets you down on the bed

he’s being so careful with you as if you’re made of glass

but no!! you want lots of tickles

so as soon as you said that he’s going love blaster style

pumping out the most loving and affectionate tickles you’ve ever received in your life

please keep him in your life

*. j i s u n g .*

get ready for tHIS one

because guess what

he secretly likes tickles too

you didn’t hear that from me though *winks and does finger guns*

but it sUCKS because both of you happen to be squeamish so it’s just two people desperately wanting tickles yet if one of you acts upon it the other is going to fall onto the floor in response

this won’t stop you though

you’re gETTING those tickles even if you die in the process

so you ask

and he gets a bit of courage too

“ᶜᴬᴺ ᴵ ᴳᴱᵀ ᵀᴵᶜᴷᴸᴱˢ ᵀᴼᴼ ᵀᴴᴱᴺ?”

poor baby, ofc you comply 

you guys go at the same time which just,, HORRIBLE IDEA

both of you are about to pass out ten seconds in

but it’s still worth it

one day you two will conquer your sensitivity and tickle the giggles out of each other

ooooo tickle the giggles!! im slowly getting more and more high im so sorry anon

*. f e l i x .*

expectations: very soft, gentle, loving

reality: you’ve awakened the beast

i’ll explain wlkejrkwlajrkl

you ask him one day out of the ordinary while he looks on the phone

v shyly as well so you didn’t expect much

but nOOOOO

he’s prepared for this moment

placing his phone down totally not playing fortnite

so he

get ready this isn’t going to be like hyunjin’s

THROWS you onto the bed wrestler style

tickling the shit out of you like a madman making you erupt with laughter

because guess what?

you challenged him to a competition

“who can make y/n laugh the most”

felix vs.. nobody

but don’t tell him that, he loves tickling you and you love his violent tickles so it works out

*. s e u n g m i n .*

he’S JUST GONNA MAKE FUN OF YOU AT FIRST IM SO SORRY YOU DON’T DESERVE THIS

but you deserve him i mean what

you’re going to have to explain your thing for tickles as he needs a bit of explanation

after you do, seungmin jokingly goes “like this?” and spreads his fingers over your stomach, triggering a loud giggle from you 

tHAT caught him off guard

he goes :0 

but soon goes ;D

he’s happy he can make you happy

so he tickles you more and more just to get more giggles out of you

he’s thoroughly enjoying this because usually he’ll tickle the members to make them s u f f e r

but with you he can go all out and make you smile and-

he just loves you okAY 

he’ll never say it out loud but,, he loves you okay reader

ohmygod is my “seungmin is my ideal type” showing?? my bad

*. j e o n g i n .*

MY LOVE

lets get started

you told him that you liked tickles as well when you asked him

and he just gets really smiley

“what’s so funny??”

“you’re so cute heheheh”

B A B Y

shabirb lets get back on track here

he’ll first give you a hug and start tickling your sides

using your laughter as motivation he ~explores~ more of your body IN A PG WAY THIS IS STILL A SFW BLOG and finding your weak spots AGAIN STILL A PG BLOG

he’ll learn to love tickles from you 

maybe he’ll even ask you for tickles if he gets enough courage?? 

but then again maybe i’m honestly not to sure about it

sweet baby, my love, you two please protect each other 

ah, that was a lot of fun to write and i might’ve gotten carried away at some points lol. requests are open 24/7, don’t be shy! (this is my 4th request in the span of 2 weeks, that’s incredible!)

[vaguely-concerned]

The Mandalorian episode 8 reactions

Spoilers ahoy! In short I liked it a lot and now my brain is desperately trying to process it all haha

- thank god taika waititi knows I needed us to open on two unsympathetic comedy stormtroopers after all the stress last time. (in general this episode was very funny and it needed to be because dang mando is having a Bad Day in this one) that scene did such a good job of hilariously humanizing the stromtroopers but in a way that highlights what kind of people would stay with the empire even after the fall. they’re real breathing humans but they’re also baby-punching fascists and it’s not much of a loss to anyone that IG-11 goes to town on them

- ooooh cara is from alderaan!!! that explains just how deep her hatred for the empire is. (*me thinking wistfully about bail organa, the OG good dad of the star wars universe*) also I say this all the time but she is so cool and beautiful and important and the little ‘oh uh oops’ look she threw down at the baby after blowing that droid’s head of was  p r i c e l e s s . too bad she’s staying on navarro while mando leaves :(

- FINALLY name confirmation! I’m going to have to go and fix the spelling for my fics and I don’t even care haha. also pedro pascal is so amazing at making his voice expressive jesus christ you can feel the weight of it just from the small pauses between his words (’mandalorian recruits’ = evil empire speech for ‘children’ I’m assuming so. augh) 

- cara SHIELDING HIM WITH HER OWN BODY even though he’s literally still in full armor and her beautiful buff arms are completely unprotected *elmo surrounded in flames gif (ironically)* that might actually be more non-violent physical contact than mando’s had since he was a kid (lol but also ouch). there was something almost sibling-like in the way they huddled together, im hurt 

- with that grilled flamethrower trooper baby yoda has officially committed his first unassisted murder! *drying proud tears* they grow up so... well obviously not fast in this case but you know what I mean

as usual the baby was a delight. I mean you know this I know this but it bears repeating basically forever

- you know what in one way it felt a bit too early but in another I really like how they showed mando’s face. I think it’s because that reveal isn’t witnessed by any other characters except IG-11 (who is best boy <3 but also there in the role of a medical practitioner and audience stand-in so it doesn’t count in the metaphor lol) -- it’s entirely meant for us, the audience. the whole season really has been a long journey towards specificity in his character; we open up with him being a faceless, nameless and damn near wordless figure, and then they’ve let us closer and closer to him until... now we have his name and his face both and that probably means we know him better than the vast majority of the characters in the show (which is admittedly not saying much haha). it still leaves a LOT of potential in the interpersonal dynamics within the series, but does something interesting for our view of him (and sets up an interesting possibility for a sort of tension between the two as well maybe?). 

it feels weird and too intimate but I think that’s exactly what it’s supposed to do. I’d actually been trying to put this into words before this episode -- I didn’t feel able to write fic for this show until episode 7; before that taking on his POV felt... invasive, almost? awkward? but now it feels like the show has reached a place where we get close enough that it’s starting to be possible. he’s having to become more and more real (because he has a baby he loves and who needs him now and he can’t just dissociate anymore haha)

there’s also something really beautiful if fragile in how it plays out like... for this one moment he needs to allow himself to be made vulnerable (by a droid, no less) and through that act of tremendous courage, even though it confuses and pains him, choose to live. after all he was completely free to shoot IG-11 the whole time and he didn’t. I. Hm. mhm. im trying to figure out what I mean give me a few days to write fiction about it and maybe I’ll get it lol

- the way mando disappeared into himself/seemed to be just... resigned to it all was uh. awful! absolutely awful. 

thank GOD all these people around him straight up refused to let him die, at a few points it was almost a feeling of ‘SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME A GRENADE TO THROW MYSELF ON I’M NOT READY TO BE FULLY ALIVE AGAIN BUT I’LL HAVE TO BE BECAUSE I HAVE A LITTLE ONE TO BE A DAD FOR’ (at a few points where it’d be natural if he was triggered he instead seems to want to give the child to someone he thinks is more suited and then a) fight (and probably die but y’know at least he’d get to shoot someone) or b) at least stay with and honor the dead. oof) 

- very rude of mando to make a grave for kuiil when he’s not even dead tbh. how unlike our main boy in the helmet to be impolite like that, I’m surprised 

(I had so desperately hoped IG-11 at least would survive as a sort of legacy -- a testament to his skill and kindness and wisdom :( )

- I KNEW nothing would get the armorer in her own damn forge :D:D:D she is so incredibly cool and I love her. the way she stands there unshaken despite everything like a pillar of what their culture actually is at the core. and also when she’s like ‘well of course this is your son’ and the camera cuts to baby yoda as if to say ‘as I keep telling you dad’ 

the mirror of her immovable upright certainty and mando on his knees in front of the pile of dead people’s armor -- an image which makes it feel like this is not the first time he’s been there, right?

mando not enthused at the idea of evil sorcerers tho lol I foresee some trickiness in your future my boy

- of ALL the funny references they had to make sad it had to be the self destruct D: I’ve always had a lot of feelings about droids in star wars so I’m probably going to have to process this a bit. also “I’m not sad” oh honey

- I have only a very vague knowledge about the darksaber (I couldn’t get into rebels sadly despite my love for clone wars), but I do understand that it’s taking the nazi gold comparison they’ve got going on with the beskar and dialing it up to 11, that’s apparently a Big Deal. they’ve done such a good job with gideon in setting up a bad guy who works on several levels -- he wants the thing that’s most important to mando today for what’s implied to be Not very great reasons, he’s a physical reminder of the cultural and personal trauma this series is looking at, and as a remnant of the fallen Empire he’s doing a lot of work as the specter of this sort of lawless unsettled in-between age. good stuff! 

- greef karga earned himself a big place in my heart in this one. you might be sketchier than my understanding of horse anatomy, greef, but I love you nonetheless haha. when he starts to drink nervously while they’re trying to get out of the bar & when he’s immediately doing the sales pitch on Navarro once the blaster fire dies down fdkslhfkas. and that “Or maybe he’ll take care of you” shows that there is some real concern and friendship there and it’s so sweet. 

- mando carrying the baby like he was carried safely and with love by the mandalorian in the flashback............ damn dude. and he’s an official full time dad now what a time to be alive

- obligatory flamethrower report: do I even need to say it, mando’s flame thrower. must I point out how badly you have been shown up. honestly this has just been embarrassing for us all let us speak no more of it

[thorinthehottotty]

For the modern thorin verse we got goin on hehe: How would Thorin react to seeing you get into a full fist fight with someone? You're pretty injured, though the other person is pretty worse, and you refuse to seek professional medical attention, so Thorin has to patch you up. You're driving home and bleeding everywhere, how does Thorin cope? (If the blood triggers you, please feel free to ignore this!)

First and foremost, blood does not and will never bother me, but thank you for asking. Im certified in CPR, phelbotomy and first aid. Without revealing too much about me, I come from a very violent family (my great grandma's first husband had a murder suicide and my uncle tried to murder my aunt by burning her alive). I've also dealt with ganggreen, sepsis, vomit, human feces and had to clean some nasty coochies and willies in my time. There is little that bothers me.

Two. Prep, my friend, for this is a topic I know too well for I have not always been the wholesome little darling you all may think me to be.

BEWARE THIS IS KIND OF VIOLET

Let's crack into this.

If you guys are anything like me, you are absolutely not the kind of person one wants to get into a fight with. Dealing with aggressive piss babies, violent jackasses and certified psychopaths hasn't been something unknown to you. It would take a lot to probably get you to the point of physical fighting but once you are there, YOU ARE THERE. You might even completely black out (I have been known to do this I was a very angry child).

It would probably start with a stranger doing something reckless and blaming you. Thorin is caught off guard by the aggressive behavior. Like maybe someone nearly runs you both over and gets out Karen or Kyle style and starts screaming about the whole thing. (I work customer service.) You too a little bit but you quickly cover with a 'yeah, sorry, dude' even though it was definitely not your fault but still to the bewildered Thorin you kinda of just say "hey, maybe they're having a bad day, lets just move on."

And Thorin would start getting visibly angry if they continued to harrass you about it. He'd be about ready to get back at them until sad person tried to lay hands on him. Grabbing him to try to pull him back in a 'don't you walk away' fashion. And instantly you'd be in their face, jaw clenched, fist balled, and instead of screaming you'd just give a really low, quiet warning to them. You're voice tight, controlled as you tell them calmly to remove their hands from his person and walk away before things escalate. This would make the person scoff, especially if you were small. Thorin would maybe be trying to stop you, very carefully, because he would see the fire in your eyes. A dangerous light that borders on mad, as you glare down someone who's probably much bigger than you.

You're holding back as the person taunts you repeatedly, getting in your face, spitting. Thorin would be geared to go at a moments notice but you'd just hold a hand out in a "stay back" kind of way.

You would not swing first. You know better and before Thorin couldn't even react you'd be going into a rage. A hard crack alerting him to some kind of bone breaking as your fist made contact with the person's face. He'd be shocked to see how fast and powerfully you'd move. You were winning, definitely and there was a lot of grunting and violence.

He'd be even more shocked to find people gathering and recording of all things! He'd kind of be in awe of you throwing hands because it was more than punching.

The moment he saw a glint of silver, his stomach would drop out and he couldn't get in between you in time. And all hell breaks loose. You just go completely feral, one second your defensively kicking this person's ass and the next you shattering their nose with your forehead. He doesn't even get the opertunity to see how you do it but the person is screaming as you are throwing them against the ground and just wailing with both fists.

There is a lot of blood concidering. He's dragging you off with quite the difficulty and he's terrified because your face is bleeding and there is definitely something sticking out of you! But he's actually fairly calm (outwardly) since he's seen death and battle.

You've broken the person's nose and both their eyes are turning back but they're nearly unconsious after you slam their head into the ground. Both your lips are split, bloods coating your teeth and your shirt is staining near your wound. He'd be dragging you off and demanding you get medical attention. And your in the car, driving yourself home, cursing and wincing, and he's begging for you to go to a doctor but your refusing and when you get home your pulling out a first aid kit and handing it to him.

Thorin's eager to look at the thing sticking out of your side and youre just grumbling about getting 'shanked with a pen' luckily it doesn't go deep but it still bleeds a lot. He just scolds you for being so reckless as he's holding pressure to stop the bleeding. He'd be nearly frantic.

And when you've both calmed down, he's actually really impressed and proud by how ferocious you were. He's definitely flattered that you actually stepped up to protect him and got hurt in the process but he'd pretend to be more upset because he did not want you getting in more dangerous situations and getting hurt. He would definitely discourage fights.

He knows humans aren't as sturdy as his kin so he'd be worried you'd die from your injuries until you assure him that, you will live. But he takes care of you sweetly and overall more level headed out of the two of you. He makes you promise to seek real medical help the next time and once your not so covered in blood he'd chill out.

But it would lead him to be very curious about your past because it was obvious you'd been in a fight or two prior.

I got inspiration from the song Lydia by Highly Suspect

I think that just about covers that section of it. I got home from work an hour ago and couldn't wait to type this up!

My muscles will contract, your bones will crack

It's just a fact 'cause I am here to win this fight

[davieslandon]

Discord Text II Loren & Landon

DISCORD THREAD FEATURING: Landon and @lorencourtier

MENTIONS: @romanbeckett

WHEN: July 5th 

DESCRIPTION: Loren texts Landon after their breakup to say he misses him and they talk. 

TRIGGER WARNINGS: sad, angst, feels

Loren.

I miss you, and I just wanted you to know I’m sorry.6 July 2020

LANDON

are you really doing this right now?

Loren.

Yeah, I am. I’m not like you Landon. I have to say how I feel or I can’t function

LANDON

good for you.

meanwhile, you broke up with me and left to go wherever so how about you leave me alone to deal with things?

Loren.

I had to break up with you. It’s more complicated than you understand. I didn’t go anywhere though, I’m still in town. But yeah, I’ll leave you alone. Seeing it’s so easy for you to just let go.

LANDON

I don't understand because you didn't explain Loren.

See? Yet another thing you didn't tell me. But sure, it's so easy for me to let go. It's not as if you broke my heart or anything.

Loren.

I wanted to tell you everything but you got so upset and I didn’t wanna push.

I just didn’t want you to get hurt

LANDON

You were breaking up with me of course I got upset

Good job, that totally worked.

Loren.

Landon, he didn’t want to let me go. He wanted me to do things I wasn’t comfortable with doing while I was still being with you. If I didn’t do it he would have hurt you and I couldn’t live with that

LANDON

Then you fucking tell me that instead of giving me some bullshit about not loving you enough.

I told you not to meet with him alone and you didn't listen. You texted me when you were already there

which makes me think you knew exactly what was going to happen

Loren.

I was just scared, okay? I knew he wouldn’t let me to easily. He’s had a hold on me since I was 13 years old. But it’s over now, he’s gone. I don’t expect you to understand where my head was at and I don’t expect you to forgive me. I just, I didn’t know what to do and I panicked

LANDON

I thought you could talk to me but I guess I was wrong. I can't do this, I told you from the start that this can never be just about me and I have a daughter to take care of. You can't just try to feed me lies and...come and go as you please

Loren.

Im trying to talk to you. It’s not easy, Landon. I know you have Elle to think about which also played into my decision. How was I supposed to let anything happen to you or her for they matter? I didn’t mean to lie to you. He told me what to say and took my phone. I just wanted to be free of him and I’m sorry that hurt you in the process

LANDON

What the hell do you want me to say? That everything's great? That we can go back to how things were like nothing happened? It doesn't work like that Loren.

Loren.

No, that’s not what I want you to say. I just want to help you understand where I was coming from.

I do love you, whether you believe that or not.

LANDON

I understand. Doesn't make it any better.

Loren.

I know, and I’m sorry.

Please dont hate me

Loren.

i was just trying to do the right thing. But there was no right thing

LANDON

I guess not. I hope you can be happy now with him gone.

Loren.

I was happy with you

Now I’m just free and broken

LANDON

I was happy too. Now I feel like it's too late

Loren.

Don’t say that

im still here, I’ll always be here for you

I know it’s not the same and I fucked up. But please don’t shut me out

LANDON

I can't. Not yet at least

Loren.

You can’t what?

LANDON

I can't trust you again

Loren.

okay Landon

I’m just doing my best okay? I’m sorry I hurt you. It was never my intention.

LANDON

I know but you still did and I can't get over it just like that

besides, you wouldn't want to be with me again I promise you that

Loren.

Dont tell me what I want Landon

I wish I could change what has happened but I can’t. I just know my feelings for you are no different than they were. I love you!

LANDON

You don't get it

I know it hasn't been that long but things are still different.

Loren.

Yeah I know

I know what you did

I don’t care

LANDON

what?

how?

Loren.

Well, considering I work there

it wasn’t hard to find out

Plus people are talking about it

I did bad shit too. But unless you’re telling me you want him and not me

I don’t care

I knew how you felt about him from the beginning and I knew he would always be before me. It’s fine.

LANDON

what happened to not listening to gossip?

and it wasn't just him

Loren.

WELL... I had no choice

not just him?

okay

so you fucked around then?

LANDON

i guess.

Loren.

and you wonder why I said you didn’t really love me?

I was barely gone

Its fine. We weren’t together.

LANDON

guess i wanted to prove you right then

considering i never gave you reason to doubt me i thought 'hey i'll just fuck around so at least then Loren's reason for breaking up with me will finally make sense'

Loren.

Fuck you Landon. You act like you’re the only one who’s got issues or has been hurt

I never gave you any reason.. you know what. Do what you want

I get I hurt you, and I truly am sorry. I just thought maybe you’d be a little more understanding of the situation

LANDON

I never said I was the only one but at least I didn't use your insecurities against you. So really fuck you too Loren.

Loren.

i uses the against you?

you use them against yourself

LANDON

what's that supposed to mean?

Loren.

You couldn’t even tell me how you felt. And then I was in a situation that clearly fucked me up, but it’s still about you.

I get it. But I’m not them Landon

LANDON

I told you I wasn't ready and you said you were fine with waiting until suddenly you weren't anymore.

Loren.

i was fine

LANDON

you're not. maybe you're worse than them

Loren.

yeah okay

because I wanted to protect you

LANDON

Don't you get it?? I don't need protection. I wanted you.

Loren.

i was just scared Landon

LANDON

I know

Loren.

can we just please start over?

i know it’s different now but I don’t wanna lose you completely

LANDON

Yeah, I'm sure we'll see each other around

It's Kingsboro after all.

Loren.

yeah

LANDON

*read*

Loren.

will I see you at Rocketman?

LANDON

I don't know yet. Was thinking of skipping to be honest

Loren.

okay. I was just gonna see if you would wanna grab a drink or something after. But it’s okay if not

LANDON

I'll let you know

Loren.

okay

thats better than no

LANDON

I'm not trying to be difficult here. It's just hard

Loren.

I know, you’re fine.

Im just thankful you’re still talking to me

it hurts me too. I know that’s hard to believe right now. But yeah. You know how I feel.

LANDON

Yeah I guess

Loren.

I do love you Landon

I wouldn’t have gone through all of this if I didn’t

LANDON

I guess it's just a little hard to see that right now

Loren.

I get it

i wish I never met him

LANDON

i kind of wish that too

Loren.

I know

unsent: he literally ruined my whole life

At lease he’s gone now

LANDON

and you're sure he's gone for good?

Loren.

Yeah, he made sure I knew he was gone too. He took half my apartment with him.

LANDON

Oh, I'm sorry

Loren.

Dont be

Im glad it’s gone

LANDON

you're glad half of your apartment is gone?

Loren.

Yeah, cause it means I have no more ties to him

LANDON

that makes sense yeah

[cblgblog]

On that Siberia fight in Civil War

Rewatched Civil War recently and just…need this of my chest.

First thing, Steve saying yes when Tony asked if he knew about Bucky killing the Starks.

If the implication is that Steve did know unequivocally, for sure, then that should’ve been handled a lot better. What we were actually shown was a blink and you’ll miss it shot among a montage of HYDRA’s greatest hits that was, at best, an implication. And Steve’s being shown this by a computer version of an evil Nazi, who admits in the same breath that HYDRA’s whole thing for the last 70-odd years has been lies and manipulation.

It’s possible that Steve could’ve gotten better confirmation later. He could’ve gotten it from Bucky’s file, the one Nat gave him at the end of Cap 2, he maybe could’ve gotten it during the 2 years he was looking for leads…it could have happened. But they needed to show us if it did, because that HYDRA clip show? Not enough for a solid “yes” on Steve knowing.

I always took Steve saying yes as Steve being Steve in a bad situation, knowing that saying he didn’t know was a lie, so he says yes. Because he knew more than Tony did, and it’s not like Tony is going to take a “Yes, but let me explain” answer. But regardless, it needed better handling, if we’re meant to believe that Steve did know for certain.

Now, Tony attacking Bucky, even though he acknowledged 5 minutes earlier (with his Manchurian Candidate jab) that he knows Bucky isn’t responsible for Winter Soldier’s actions. So many people hate this, and rightfully so. I will say that I don’t condone it, but I understand it. Off the top of my head, the usual anti-Tony arguments here are

·       The loss was decades ago, not recent, he shouldn’t be reacting so strongly

·       He should’ve gotten some therapy and handled his grief like an adult

·       He hated Howard anyway, why react so violently?

Yes, the loss was decades ago, but it’s still a man watching his parents be murdered. By the man standing a few feet away. With Tony’s mind and his instant “I know that road” we can assume he’s played out the scenario in his head a thousand times over the years. And that’s when he thought it was a car wreck. Watching your parents get murdered is going to screw with anyone’s mind, even someone healthy, which Tony so isn’t.

He should have gotten therapy, dealt with the loss in a healthy way, but he clearly didn’t. He even says during the MIT demonstration that he actively avoided processing his grief. Which isn’t an excuse for his behavior, but does explain it somewhat. Wounds heal if you treat them. If you don’t, there’s festering, infection, scarring…the 20-odd years on it’s own wouldn’t have automatically softened the loss.

Tony may have hated Howard, or parts of him, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t love him too. If he didn’t yearn for the man’s approval, he wouldn’t have made such a speech about not getting it in IM 2. If he didn’t care, it wouldn’t matter. Parent/child relationships are so much more complicated than just one thing, and if there’s abuse or neglect, even more so. On a side note, Howard always seemed more the absentee dad, the careless dad who talks without knowing the damage of his words than the raging abusive drunk the stans want to make him out to be. Which in this case means it’s more likely that Tony didn’t all out hate the guy, even before Endgame where we get the Tony and Howard scenes.

And even if he did, Tony’s feelings for Howard don’t have to matter here, because he says “I don’t care. He killed my mom.” Even if he hated Howard completely (which later canon disproves), okay, he’s still hearing his mom begging for her life.

So, it was a cruel, manipulative tactic by Zemo, and I get why it pushed Tony to doing what he did.

Here’s the thing. That doesn’t make it okay. It doesn’t make his prior actions throughout this and other movies okay. Should Steve have told him about Bucky? Maybe, if he knew for sure, which again, don’t think he did. But Tony’s actions on finding out are pretty solid proof that Steve had solid reason to shut up, too. The video exacerbated the whole thing greatly, yes. If Tony was thinking a little more clearly, it maybe wouldn’t have gone that far.

Does that mean that Steve could’ve told him in a better moment and Tony wouldn’t have reacted in a similar way? Hell no. He might not have physically attacked Steve, or had Bucky there to beat on, but that doesn’t mean we’d get the lovely fanon of Tony forgiving and forgetting, doing his best to treat Bucky, giving him a wing in Avengers Tower…hell no. He still would’ve hunted Bucky down, or tried. He still would’ve been out for blood.

Tony hasn’t had a healthy brain in years. He’s been a mess of fear and anxiety and misplaced savior complex. Even if Steve had told him the truth at some point in the 2 years between Cap 2 and 3, it wouldn’t have gone well for Bucky.

And I kind of get it. Mind controlled or not, the guy physically murdered Tony’s parents. That’s hard to just shrug off. But ultimately, Bucky didn’t have a choice in it, it was not Bucky who really pulled that trigger, and it’s not fair to try to kill a man for something he couldn’t control.

And again, I do not totally hate Tony for that fight. I can understand why he did it. He’s a damaged man, he was manipulated. But, not an excuse. Every other Avenger has some kind of trauma equal to or worse than anything Tony went through. Nat was sterilized, tortured. Clint had his mind controlled and killed innocent people because of it. Bruce turns into a green rage monster and, at least in early films, has little to no control over the destruction he causes.

Everyone on that team is damaged, but Tony is the only on who gets a free pass for everything because of it. Tony’s parents being killed by Bucky wasn’t revealed to him until the end of the movie. The Accords are still the equivalent of hitting a nail with a sledgehammer, a terrible solution to a legitimate problem. He’s still using them as a way to deal with his guilt, and you don’t do that when it affects countless other lives, including those of your friends. He still shot Sam at close range…why? Because Sam did the very human thing of trying not to get shot out of the air? Because Vision, a member of Tony’s team, shot down Rhodey?

Even if you go for the fact that Steve lied, and he is a terrible friend, and that Tony ultimately trying to actually kill Steve for it was a somewhat understandable reaction in the moment? Doesn’t excuse Tony’s behavior. In Civil War, in AoU, in Infinity War when literally no one else on either Avengers team cared about The Accords, the airport fight, but he’s still hesitating to call Steve when the fate of the universe is at stake.

I can understand why Tony does a lot of what he does. I think some of it is more complex than some of the antis who are more anti than me do. Understanding is not an excuse. Being hurt and traumatized yourself doesn’t excuse giving anyone, especially your friends, the same treatment.

[just-my-fandom]

Not Alone (Shuri x Female! Reader)

Request; Shuri x Female reader with the rest of the females of Marvel? The reader and Shuri are an assigned marriage in Wakanda but the family has grown to love the reader, but the reader and Shuri are attacked when Shuri is getting the stone from Vision by Proxima Midnight (Ik she doesnt really attack Shuri specifically but she's really cool), the reader is unable to get to Shuri to make sure she's not hurt so Okoye, Wanda and Natasha protect the reader because she is loyalty in the Wakandian family? Sorry its a lot I hope you can write it, Thanks!

Ive finally reached 500 followers! Thank you all!

My first Shuri x reader! Im sorry Ive been inactive, I took a vacation at the beach and the house we were staying at had no service, so I wrote these in my notes then tranferred them over. Enjoy! Send in more Shuri requests!

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"They're moving in,"

You step back from the window overlooking the battlefield, gaze turning to the woman standing at a table with a man laying across,

Shuri glances at you, fingers moving through the screens of her computers, frowning,

"The process is taking longer than usual, only because its a stone," Shuri steps back from the computer, as you walk up to her, hand fiddling with the sleeve of your armor,

"I'm going to go help them," You exhale, "Stay here with Vision, get the stone out and stay safe,"

"You're going out there?" Shuri questions, as you nod, picking up a gun left by a guard and pecking her cheek,

"We're defenceless up here. The longer we stay here, the quicker time they have to get to us,"

You turn to the open doors of the lab, gasping when a hand wraps at your throat and backs you up,

"You're not going anywhere," A firm voice causes you to drop your gun, Shuri spinning around and eyes instantly meeting the red of one of the villains, Proxima Midnight,

Proxima shoves you backwards, watching you stumble into the edge of the lab table and sink down, hand at your head,

"Hand over the stone," Proxima orders firmly, sticking out a clawed hand,

You crawl forward, picking up the lost gun and stumbling to your feet, shooting two bullets so you could inch towards Proxima while she was distracted,

You elbow Proxima in the face, hissing when she catches your wrist and twists, pinning your arm behind your back,

"Shuri!" You call, "Get-" Your free arm flies in front of you when force presses to your back, falling onto your stomach and rolling over, coughing as Proxima plants her booted foot to your chest,

Your teeth grit, eyes peeling open in time for Proxima to press the front of her gun to your forehead,

"The stone," Proxima raises her eyes to Shuri, who had pressed her hands to the edge of the table, one arm slowly behind her back,

"The stone!" Proxima repeats, voice louder as she presses the gun harder to your temple, your eyes pinching shut,

Blasts sound, your eyes opening in time of Proxima stumbling back to cover her blasted eye, Shuri grabbing your arm and tugging you upwards, tossing you a Wakandian gun and pointing her own to the enemy,

"You'll have to get through us first," She snarls, your figure moving next to her to block Vision on the table,

"Easy," Proxima chuckles, dodging your quick gunshots,

You move forward, ducking when she throws her fist, and your gunshot hits her side, Proxima backing up to growl and grab at her uniform,

"Shuri!" You look over your shoulder, reloading your gun, "Get Vision to higher ground, get that stone!"

Black hits your vision when weight rams your front, your gun sliding to Shuris feet as she looks up, your figure hitting the glass window you once stood at, glass flying outwards of the battlefield,

Shuri gasps, dropping her gun, rushing to the edge of the window and catching sight of you on your side, Proxima feet from you on her back,

A beep from the machine connected to Vision makes Shuri look over, glancing at you feet down before rushing to Visions aid,

You groan lowly at the pain in the arm you landed on, sitting up to cough on smoke from fires, head snapping up at yells on the field,

You sit up in surprise, looking over your shoulder to see a group of aliens rushing towards you, yelping when a clawed hand grabs your arm and jerks you up, flipping you onto your back,

"You'll die alone. Just like that pathetic friend of yours," Proxima leans down, gun at your forehead a second time, and you swallow, fingers at her ankle in an attempt to push her off,

"She's not alone,"

Proxima raises her head to search for the sudden voice, eyes finding three women surrounding you,

Okoye spins her staff in her hand, pointing the dagger in Proximas direction, "Release her, now,"

"What is so important about her?" Proxima laughs, force of the gun pushing your head against the concrete, your eyes pinching shut in case she pulled the trigger,

Natasha pulls out two blades, Wandas hands glowing red as she stepped forward,

"One step," Proxima threatens, red eyes meeting Wandas, "And I'll shoot her. If shes so important," Proxima raises an eyebrow, "Get the girl up there away from the stone," She jerks her head to the floor with the shattered window,

"We cant do that," Okoye says lowly, Proxima flicking both eyebrows, cocking the gun,

You inhale a sharp breath, air releasing when Proxima is wrapped in red dust, thrown back, rolling onto her side and dropping her gun,

You sit up, eyes wide, Wanda moving forward to attack Proxima up close,

"Get her up top!" Okoye shouts to the blonde running up to you, and she takes your hand, helping you upwards,

Okoye jabs her staff towards Proxima, who dodges to the side to avoid being stabbed,

"I cannot leave my soldier," You gasp in, Natasha looking at you before she reaches the thankfully working elevator,

"You're one of the queens, right?"

You nod, and Natasha nods back, "If I was given orders to protect you from a specific person, I'm doing as told because I am an avenger,"

The elevator opens, and you move inside, foot bouncing as if it would speed the process,

"Who are you married to?" Natasha asks suddenly, trying to ease the tension in your shoulders, "King Tchalla?"

"God," You breathe, "No, I have no interest in men," You lean against the wall of the elevator as Natasha raises an eyebrow, "I was originally assigned to marry Tchalla by my father and his mother, but I realized I loved the princess instead," Natasha smiles when your shoulders relax, "I'm just glad its not looked down upon,"

"Are you two close?" Natasha asks, noting there were still three floors to wait on, "I've known marriages that were forced and no love was between them,"

"Very," You smile back, "It was weird at first, I'm not from a place like Wakanda so now suddenly having guards with me almost twenty four seven is different,"

The elevator dings, and you step out, moving downwards to the last door of the hall; The lab,

Shuri stands up from her knelt position at the machine connected to Vision, turning around in time for you to set down your picked up gun and extend your arms,

"Are you injured?" Shuri puts her hands at your shoulders, running them to your wrists, "You fell almost six floors down,"

"Im okay," You breathe, "Natasha here along with Wanda and Okoye saved me,"

"She was very calm," Natasha speaks up, and you glance at her to smile,

"How's the process with Vision?" You ask, Shuri taking your hand to pull you to the table,

"Almost complete. This is the slowest process Ive done, I almost didnt have the tech for it," She looks at you, and finds you rubbing your arm,

"Where does it hurt?" She leads you to a table against the wall, demanding you to sit,

"I just landed on it," You try to reassure, but Shuri carefully lifts your arm, watching your face for signs of pain,

She presses into your upper arm, instantly releasing when you jerk and hiss, "Ow, that hurt," You mutter,

Shuri frowns, stepping back and grabbing supplies to wrap your arm, "You sprained the upper half. Guess youre stuck up here with me," She teases,

"I'll stand at the door incase one of Proximas men come up," Natasha steps back, nodding once before stepping out,

"You had me worried," Shuri says quietly, your eyes looking up at her. You could hear the screams of your people and soldiers in the distant, and it made your stomach turn,

"I'm alright," You tuck a finger under her chin, lifting her head to press your lips to hers, "Now that I have you as a personal doctor,"

BONUS BELOW

"Shuri!?" You push through a prickly bush, looking around the silent field, "Shuri!!"

"Your highness!"

You spin around to face Okoye, eyes wide and full of tears as your hands clench, "Stop calling me that!" Your voice makes Okoye halt, her own eyes dull, "Shuri-Shuris missing, I-I cant find her,"

"Y/N," Okoye tries again, quieter, inching towards you as you caress your throbbing arm, "Shuris gone,"

"Gone?" You swallow, "Where? I-Is she dead?"

"I dont know," Okoye exhales, "Shuri along with Tchalla himself both vanished into dust,"

"That's ridiculous," You scoff, "They cant just vanish into dust, I-" Your eyes watch as a man with a gun and long hair falls forward, disappearing into ashes himself,

"Oh my God," You slowly sink down, a tear sliding down your cheek. You pinch your eyes shut, Okoye placing a hand on your back as you lowered your head, wedding ring now in your palm