#// life's been stressful for me so I kinda pushed this blog and my personal out of my mind

[ghoulfuckersincorporated]

I really don't think there's enough fics involving butt stuff with The Ghoul. He defo strikes me as the type who fingers your asshole while fucking you from behind just to watch you squirm. It's like a dominance thing for him when you've been disobedient, but you'll never admit how much you love being his submissive little slut. Are readers and writers just not into it? Or have I just been looking in the wrong places?

To comment: from what I've seen in the years I've been consuming and writing erotic fan content, stuff that involves anal does, in fact, seem to be weirdly polarizing (depending entirely on the writer and the audience you're publishing to, of course). I'm not entirely sure whether that's due to writers' own personal taste, audience preference, stigma...a combination of factors? It's definitely a phenomenon I've noticed. I also wonder if there isn't just a contingent of folks who have no experience with anal and therefore no interest in it.

Personally, I try to incorporate lots of different tastes and "moves" into my work, and I think the people that subscribe to this blog have come to expect that. Butt stuff is nowhere near the most potentially scarring thing I've exposed y'all to, and will continue to not be. :)

However, at the same time, when I feature actual anal sex in any of my stuff, I try to be at least somewhat tactful and depict is as a realistic sex act, which can be kind of a task sometimes when you're trying to be both erotic and not completely impossible. Poorly written anal scenes both aren't hot and kinda ruin the vibe of the entire work, in my opinion. I think there's a difference between "suspension of reality for sexual fantasy" and "spreading bad sex ed information through fiction". There's certainly a place for pain play/painal type stuff, but there's also a place for the complete opposite. It's a bit intimidating for me when I write it sometimes; maybe some others feel the same, so they don't write it as often compared to other things? Complete conjecture.

To answer your actual ask:

You're absolutely right. That motherfucker absolutely loves making you squirm by giving you pleasure in ways that gross you out. He sees a sliver of his old self in you, himself when he was new to this ghastly world, when he clung desperately to anything that would give him a sense of normalcy. In this, there's a sick thrill for him; he gets to be the one to show you how things really work, his sheltered little vaultie. The world out here is even meaner and more disgusting than you could ever imagine.

He'll prove it.

You aren't inexperienced, but pretty much all of the experience you do have is vanilla, very straightforward sex. Exploration on this topic isn't exactly at the forefront of your mind, either, what with how much of an adjustment period you're having to go through after leaving home for the first time in your life. The stress of it all is what initially drives you into his arms, seeking any form of real comfort you can find from the only companion you have.

The sex is a good stress reliever when he isn't springing things on you. He is rather good for such a hot-and-cold old prick, and he clearly knows it by his demeanor; the way he preens over your crumpled form after he makes you cum so hard you forget how to speak is infuriating. You like fucking him, but you can't let him know just how much. He'd be genuinely insufferable if he found out.

Whether it's your reserved reactions to his obvious smugness, or something else internal, you're unsure, but he quickly begins to push your buttons for bigger and bigger returns. Most of the tricks he pulls you enjoy the feeling of, but the way he watches you to gauge your reaction makes it feel like he's winning, somehow, and it doesn't sit right with you. Doubling down your efforts, you try your hardest to be unshakable.

Unfortunately, the first time he slides his tongue down to tease at your asshole while he's eating you out makes you fold completely.

"That's disgusting!" you huff, wriggling beneath him. Telling him to stop doesn't follow like you want it to; the words get caught in your throat as he pushes the tip of the wriggling muscle into you, his other hand playing softly with your clit as your aching pussy throbs.

"Had my tongue much worse places, believe me." he replies, his eyes burning up at you from between your legs. It's so embarrassing.

However, the next time he's helping you out, before you even realize it, your hips are moving in a pronounced arc, trying your best to will him to slide his tongue further down without having to suffer the indignity of asking for it, of him knowing he's gotten this over on you. It feels amazing and you refuse to beg. Fortunately, he doesn't make you...this time.

When he's finished with you, he doesn't immediately pull away, both of you lying together in a spent puddle of limbs for a breathless moment.

"It's still gross, you know." you say, flat and halfhearted in exhaustion.

"Oh, shut the fuck up." he grunts back, eyes rolling as he pulls himself into an upright sitting position. "I didn't see you whining when you were tryin' to crush my head with your thighs, princess."

"I can't help it! It tickles when you do that!" you argue, indignant and searing hot in the face.

"Oh yeah, kid. I bet it tickles real good. That why you came so hard?" he smirks, leaning back so he can right his clothing, his eyes never leaving yours. You pull yourself up and storm off to the other side of the room to redress, annoyed.

And yes, probably his favorite overall move is to sneak one of his fingers or his thumb into your ass while he fucks you from behind; the shock in your posture, in your voice, along with the tight, hot feeling of your little hole (holes) around him...it's probably for the best that he can't see your face, no matter how badly he wishes he could. He knows he'd cum instantly.

As for you, the feeling is infuriatingly electrifying, right on the line between pleasure and discomfort. His long, nimble digit isn't even all the way inside you, only sunk to just above the second knuckle, but he's quickly working it further and further in, the rest of his hand curling to cup the roundness of your cheek as he supports your hips. The stretch isn't too intrusive, but his skin is so rough in texture that it makes you squirm as he presses on, spit and your other body fluids the only lubrication you're given.

"Fuck, be careful!" you hiss. His only response is a harsh swat to your bare ass with his unoccupied hand, which draws a yelp from your parched throat as he yanks you back even more firmly by the leverage he now has. Your hands scramble for purchase across the sandy desert floor, unable to hold yourself up properly as he hammers away at you with an almost possessed vigor. Quickly, your head falls further down with the force of his movements, sending you sliding forward a few inches.

He doesn't like that.

"Don't fuckin' run from me." he growls, the hand that isn't spearing you wrapping quickly around your shoulder to yank you back again. His hips snap into yours viciously, the pace increasing as he loses his grip on whatever remaining self-control he has. Your battered cunt clenches hard around him at the feeling, at his words, and soon you're both howling out your release as he digs his nails into your thighs, rutting you so hard you fully face-plant into the ground. When it's over, he at least has the courtesy to make sure you didn't bump your head too hard. He does not, however, apologize for the massive bruise on your ass from where he struck you more than once. Typical.

Eventually, you allow him enough control to restrain you, which you know is almost certainly a mistake. However, by now you're addicted to the feeling he gives you when he takes over, when he pushes your boundaries and uses you to sate whatever passion burns inside him. Besides, he's protected and saved you enough times by now to have earned your trust, even if you know that he'll sometimes use it against you for devious reasons.

The rope he always carries doesn't hurt against your skin like you'd feared it would, but he's also quite delicate in how he secures your arms and legs, each limb immobilized and leaving you on your back, completely at his mercy. He spends forever teasing you, worshiping every part of you with his mouth and hands until you're begging, begging for release, begging for him to stretch you.

"It's alright. I'll take care of you." he promises, the tone he uses with you now so much softer than when you met. You feel relief at his words, ready to feel your aching cunt wrap around him, but he doesn't move to expose himself. Instead, he produces a small bottle of what you quickly discover is some sort of neutral oil, which he applies liberally. The feeling of the cool, thin substance running down your folds makes you shiver in the best way, but you're tense when his teasing fingers move from your clit, prodding at your taut ass.

Slowly, he works his middle finger inside you, the sensation more pleasant now that you've become accustomed to it. After a minute or two, he's moving it back and forth freely, adding another dribble of oil before setting the bottle aside, placing his free fingers on your clit. The way he rubs at you as he fucks you with his other hand makes your toes curl, and you get lost in the sensation until you feel his index finger start to prod at you, as well.

"You trust me?" he asks. Your eyes dropping closed, you nod silently.

He's incredibly gentle as he works the second finger in alongside the first, stretching you further than ever before and making your mouth fall open in a silent groan. He watches your face, your body language, closely, trying his best to stay calm and steady as he begins to move his hand once more, the other never stilling on your clit.

The sensation is incredibly overwhelming, a fullness you've never felt before, especially when he eventually adds a third finger. Your body is lit up with sensation and twitching eagerly the entire time, both wanting to pull off of his hand and to plunge yourself down further. When he leans down and seals his lips around your clit, you scream out an orgasm that leaves you trembling against your restraints, which he actually lets you out of before fucking you so hard you literally cannot stand immediately afterwards.

"You're so mean to me, you know. I don't want to like this stuff." you sigh, mostly joking.

"Don't worry, I'll have you begging for my cock in your ass soon." he promises, that wicked glint back in his eye that makes you nervous.

You hide your burning face in his throat as he chuckles at you, the sound of him lighting a cigarette snapping through the air, his other arm wrapped around your waist as you lean against him. Biting your tongue, you hold back the urge to snarkily respond to him.

You know he's right. It's only a matter of time.

[justkillingthyme]

Hai guys. Real talk. I’m taking a break for a few days. I’ll either be back this Friday or on Thursday the 31st (for the fics and trick or treating). Sorry to say that I’m breaking my 32 week writing streak and my however many month streak of doing fandom days.

Blah blah reading and mental health stuff under the cut if you want more information.

TLDR is that I’m mentally ill and so so susceptible to getting stressed out. I haven’t felt this bad since June. Which is saying something because in June I was getting harassed every single day and had finals to do. It’s whatever

I appreciate the people that have reached out to me and put up with my constant complaining here and on my personal blog. I have problems with emotional vulnerability and can’t take anything seriously but it does mean a lot. I love you guys.

That being said I’m so serious when I say that if I don’t take a break I genuinely don’t know what will happen to me. My usual thing of projecting all my problems onto characters and brute forcing my way through the depression isn’t working so it’s either take a break and stop stressing out or killing myself and I think we know which option is preferred. Kinda have been running myself into the ground here for months.

Oh but Valerie no one is going to kill you if you just stop doing fandom days. Wrong! I’ll kill me. Blah blah long story blah blah childhood trauma I’m physically incapable of relaxing and being chill. Intense fear of disappointment plus self worth issues. Bad combination and it means that I view myself as something like a content machine for you guys and I’ll die if I don’t live up to my own impossible standards.

That isn’t to say that I feel like being here is a burden. No, I really love this fandom and the people here! I just have a lot going on in my personal life in addition to the things I promised to do here. I’m just tired, I think. Pushed myself too hard for too long and I’m crashing. I mean there are times recently that I’ve been neglecting myself just to make my own self imposed deadlines, and I’ve just generally been in a shitty mood so thanks for putting up with me.

Yes I’ll still be responding to dms and stuff but I just need a few days to like. Factory reset. I’ll be interacting but this blog will remain empty for a few days. Enjoy your peace from my bullshit and be free 💞

Generally during breaks and hiatuses it makes me want to crawl out of my skin and die when I can’t talk to people. But I also feel like dying when I am posting. So.

Might just come back Wednesday if I feel too awful about not doing fandom days. I don’t trust myself to stay away from here. The torture sphere has a sort of je ne sais quoi you know.

[benjineedssleep]

a very long intro to a very long sambastian fic

before anyone gets baited and upset with me, i have to get this out of the way and say this fic is not out yet. i'm still writing it! but it does currently stand at **93k** words and has plenty of life left in it. with that said, if you wanna join the ride and see this fic come together (now that i'm finally ready to talk about it...) this post is for you!!!

BUT BEFORE WE DO THAT, while the fic itself not heavy on the 18+ content (most of it merely suggestive) it still has it. as a result, i'm kindly reiterating that this is an 18+ blog and for minors to not interact!!! this place is not safe for you!!! thank you...

NOW ONTO THE POST *KISS* *KISS* *KISS*

so benji, what's the fic about?

amazing question. come 'ere. closer... closer... okay! right there is good! let's not good too personal. *clears throat* IT'S ABOUT SAM AND SEBASTIAN STARDEW VALLEY!!! but more importantly, the fic is a slow burn and goes through almost every single part of their relationship until the final payoff. here's a quick summary:

sam spent summers in stardew valley when he was a kid and sebastian was his best friend. sebastian doesn't remember any of this. frankly, sebastian doesn't remember most of his childhood, not even the stupid shit he and abigail did that solidified their friendship. he just remembers the pain, the isolation, and the way everyone in town looked at him when he passed them by. he's grown content with the idea no one likes him, and ever would, until sam shows up at his door on his first day back in nearly a decade, and wants to be friends again.

or, alternatively, sam makes sebastian realize why exactly people move to stardew valley in the first place.

well, is it just sambastian? that's kinda boring.

tch, no. what do i look like? this fic is going to have a number of other pairings, platonic and romantic. even if your pairing isn't explicitly romantic in the fic, or not endgame, you will be fed well. trust me.

i'm talking platonic soulmates sebastian and abby, catty besties sebastian and haley, gay and confused sebastian and alex, haley/abby, seb + robin, seb + emily, seb + maru and more. Don't forget about all the trios. ass trio? gotchu. haley + seb + abby? gotchu. robin + maru + seb? i gotchu!!!

The characters in this fic are treated like human beings, more than just plot devices that push along the development of the main pairing. (and that's the way it should be, if you ask me.)

you said this fic is 18+ does that mean it's really nsfw?

no. that's the short answer. there are a couple of sexually explicit scenes but they are a) what i would consider "light smut" and b) solely there for the plot. if i expand on anything, which i have, it will not be in the main fic. it'll be posted elsewhere in a collection of fic-canon one shots and such. those things will not be prioritized though.

when will the fic be posted?

the fic will not be posted until i'm completely done with it. i've been in fandom spaces since i was 12-years-old and the stress that updating brings stunts my creativity. i've since learned from my mistakes and as this all started off as a passion project of mine, it's going to continue to be that way until i see it through.

with that said, i've been working on this fic since august and have more than half of it completed. the fic is set to end in fall year two and i'm currently at the end of winter year one. winter is also the bulkiest season in the entire fic, and currently makes up half of the word count. so we're in the home stretch at this point.

i still cannot give you a solid timeline but at the rate i'm working, and taking into consideration i'm a full-time college student with a part-time job and well, a life, i'm gonna say drafting will be done by the end of the year. from that point on i'll be writing additional chapters for the beginning of the fic (and where needed), revising, editing, and getting in secondary beta reads from my friends. that seems like a lot of work but the hardest part is getting words on the page. and i'm already more than halfway done with that!!!

so are we just... getting nothing?

lies! lies and untruths! i wouldn't be making this post if you weren't getting anything. for a matter of fact, there's already a post out! it's about writing a character's style into a story! (and since drafting this, there's another!)

now, the deal here is that while i'm working on the fic, we get to talk about it and hype it up. i really do work on excitement and hype and my friends Robyn, @itslc123, and @bitterpoison have really been here for me since the beginning, before this fic meant anything at all. So yeah, shout out to y'all. I love you so much =((( /pos

anyways!!! whether this gains traction or not, i'll be periodically posting my favorite bits of the fic, ideas, frustrations, and overall just bringing anyone who cares along on my train of thought.

i'm also trying my fuckin' hardest to be more involved in fandom spaces as i've been on the sidelines for much much much too long. so please, babble to me. share your ideas, headcanons for the fic, anything really. i don't bite! i'm just scared of... social interaction LOL

where will this be posted?

ao3! and it won't be posted anywhere else so don't ask.

do we get any extra goodies with the fic?

yes you do!!! because i can't do anything normally!!! if you know nothing about me, music is my special interest and pretty much everything i do revolves around it. as a result, you will be getting tons of playlists to go along with this fic. a general fic playlist, a playlist for certain scenes, a playlist for certain characters... YOU GET THEM ALL!!! I might sneak some other things in there as well. what it'll be? i dunno, but we shall absolutely see how far my brain goes and how committed i am to this fic + fandom.

once it's done, how will things go?

you're thinking real far ahead here, like, 2025 far, but it's okay. you're just a little excited AND SO AM I!!!

but in all seriousness, once the fic is completely finished, i'll be uploading it chapter by chapter to ao3. since it'll be complete, you can expect frequent and consistent updates. and the chapters will be thick for the most part. the average chapter length once it gets into the meat of the plot (about 20k words in) is 2.5-6k words long. but right now there's a super long, super important chapter that's 13k words long! trust and believe that you guys will be fed so very well.

is there anything else you have to say?

not that i can think of but-- OHHH THE FIC TITLE!!!

it's called "baby seasons change, but people don't" and is pulled directly from the take over, the breaks over, a fantastic song by my FAVORITE BAND EVER fall out boy. wanna know something cool about the title? a little silly? i picked it because i noticed a pattern in fob song lyrics/titles/related things being used for the titles of sambastian fics. and i wanted to keep the theme goin', so i had to do it too.

the title is subject to change, as the fic has come a long way since i first chose it, but i'm kinda sentimental about it right now so... we'll see.

but that's all! i said a whole lot just now. so take a break after all that reading.

i hope to see you around friend!

xoxo benji <3

[sarcastictissy]

Hola :D I just wanted to thank you for being so positive lately and looking at things regarding the qstudio situation with nuance. It feels like people have been so stressed and angry after all of the admin stuff came that they began to take every bit of news we hear as some sign that bad things are to come . I think a lot of people underestimated just how long this process can take, there a lot of factors to be considered here, including: q's lack of experience, the union, the laws, the admins. And unfortunately there is no way to satisfy everyone when it comes to stuff like this. This was never going to take a week or two, I feel like people didn't fully understand that.

Some admins are going to be pushed out of the project due to the lack of funds and the fact that this is a legal issue first and for most. It's unfair but it's the law. Not everyone understands that and because of that people are going to say things without understanding the situation. Not every thing is black and white and sometimes things aren't going to work out the way we want them to. Nobody is perfect and we shouldn't expect people involved in this situation to act like that. Which is why you should always look at the situation from multiple perspectives before forming an opinion.

It makes me feel tired to see the same takes over and over agian with no nuance. So your post have really helped me feel better :) I've seen people from both qsmpblr and qsmptwt act like every ccs involved in this is a war criminal or like this is a admins vs quackity or french/brazil vs quackity. It's kinda drove me off most social sites and forced me to only watch YouTube and stuff (on the good side of things, I've been watching quackity's discord videos and some dsmp vods :D it's been fun)

What I am trying to say is that, scrolling through your blog feels like a breath of fresh air and has made me feel 8× more calm about this situation. I don't think doomposting is necessarily bad but after seeing so much of it, sometimes you just need to distance yourself and look at the good parts of life. No matter how much I complain, I am never changing the course that qstudio is headed and neither can any one else, The only one who can do that is quackity. I hope that he does the right thing and the studio gets better. I love the characters that qsmp has brought us and the community it has formed, qsmp is a beautiful project that I want to see thrive. For now the only thing I can do as a viewer is hope for the best <3

I'm sorry if this came off as a trauma dump, I just really wanted to thank you.

So, this has been in my askbox for a while because I was so grateful and happy to hear I've helped someone!! Thank you sm anon that means a lot to me and knowing I'm keeping others optimistic, helps me feel optimistic too! :D

This is a very complex situation with so many moral grey areas mixed with black and white. It's not simple, it's not easy. These things cannot be fixed in a matter of weeks, you're absolutely right about that.

I also agree doomposting isn't necessarily bad! It's a good way to get off some steam and vent/ rant for a bit. There's nothing wrong with that. We all need it at times. For me, personally, it becomes toxic when that's ALL I'm seeing in social media. When I go on my phone and all I see is negativity, that's when I need to call it quits and start blocking people or start taking time away (which is why I deleted twt off my phone) everyone's tolerance levels are different ofc, so, not everyone is affected by that negativity, but I certainly was. This is why I want my blog to be positive and uplifting and you know what? Each and every time I get a ask or a message thanking me for that, I gain faith in humanity and it just encourages me to keep being positive! I'm so thankful for your ask and dw it wasn't trauma dumping at all!! :D I hope you're doing well anon! Take care of yourself. You matter

[bosskie]

Practicing Different Mollucks

I have been practicing drawing Molluck, yet again, so here's some Molluck doodles:

I didn't use any 'specific' reference to these different styles, just mixed the things I have seen and my own ideas.

I didn't feel like posting these individually, like I kinda tend to do, mainly because I felt reluctant to post my stuff. As you can assume, that last piece is vent art; I felt so tired of this all and thought that I should stop doing art or any other content, yet again. What even made me draw those sketches was actually stress since I just keep feeling like my stuff ain't good enough, I'm still bad at drawing, and I should just keep drawing and drawing... I'm so tired of that stress... Like right now, I feel like doing other kind of art, digital stuff, since it's what makes me stressed out currently, my digital art skills... I don't know do I really wish to create stuff when it gives me constant stress... But I don't really wish to live if I don't create... I'm just so tired but I should just keep pushing myself to work harder... It's difficult to see life worth living. I don't even know why I keep trying, to see my Molluck fantasies outside my head? I just feel like insulting myself for being like this. But I still love this Gluk so much and it makes me feel bad to look at that sad Molluck drawing... Like I wish that I could hug him tight...

I feel sorry for posting these... My mind just tells me constantly how my stuff is just some trash that ain't worth seeing/sharing... It's not even unusual that I feel sorry for posting my content... Well, 'don't like, don't look', I guess... I can understand if someone doesn't like Molluck and it's totally okay. Molluck just is something so special for me and it's difficult for me to get into any character, like only if I can see myself in them, which is very rare. Kinda related to this, no, I haven't continued my Molluck model since I have been too busy with 'my animations'... I cannot help myself but I cannot resist his as... tonishing beauty! He is just the hottest stuff ever... I still don't really care if I'm a 'weirdo' for only wanting Molluck, for not being like 'a normal person', since this is what I am, 'odd'. My problem is just that I insult and hate myself... I have never given a fuck when I have been bullied at school since they wanted my attention but they didn't deserve it and I knew that the attention would have made it only worse. I'm just saying that I'm used to be not caring about what the others think about me but I don't still wish to feel like unwanted and that my existence is a burden... I don't even really wish to affect others since I don't think that I'm able to really do any good, I'm only making everything worse... That's why I also sometimes think that this blog has been a mistake, I should have stopped posting any content online like I planned years ago...

I'm really sorry... I wish that this was different. I wish that I'm not ruining anything here, am a burden... I don't know what else to write but I just don't assume that anyone even actually likes to see my stuff... My mind just keeps telling me that everyone actually hates to see me posting... I don't even know why but my ill mind just has so much hate toward me... This is so tiring and discouraging, making me feel like quitting... I don't really know what you see when you look at my stuff since I tend to only see my flaws and that it's some low quality stuff... But I still hope that you can see something positive. I just don't really feel like I'm good at drawing and see the love I put into my 'art'; I often more like think that my stuff looks soulless... I really wish that I didn't need to vent but I'm so tired of this all... But like I have said earlier, I'm still trying to fight, even if I really don't know if this is worth it or why I even do it...

[auricbound]

im not rbing the post solely because i kind of interact with the younger side of the fma fandom as part of my job for a moderator of a big discord but i do wanna be able to talk about this like. somewhat as part of the whole thing i went through. little bit introspective but i think it's an important perspective to have as someone on the younger end who interacts with Both Sides.

also just kinda dumpy. nonsense ahead. i'm very mentally ill. it goes off track but im sure you can see my points in there. somewhere. i guess.

back then i was kinda like. still freshly 18 ? and i joined the rpc because i got my brainrot (which actually is a special interest i just didnt know i was autistic at the time but that's besides the point). and i was very, very desensitized to certain parts of the internet. except i was still ... vulnerable. very much so.

ignoring the fact the pandemic happened right during my highschool graduation in 2020 (meaning i was still a minor at the time), i kinda was. still rockin with my youthful energy ! and ignorance. and naivete.

i guess a good way to say it is: i was 18, but that's still ... not an adult. not really. it's a young adult. people older than me should've seen me as kind of that weird younger sibling, but instead i was made out to be a full-on same-age peer - and that ... caused issues. a lot. mainly in the bond i had with someone and how unhealthy it became because we "clicked" even though this person is 14 years older than me.

"you're mature for your age." please don't EVER say that to someone, period - but especially so in my case, because i was a young adult and i was just barely figuring out where i was in the world alongside years of built-up autistic burnout and stress finally imploding. i was only 18. i still didn't feel anywhere near "grown up" and quite frankly i still don't - that's just kinda the curse of having major life milestones during major world events.

but we wrote stuff. dark stuff. stuff i have never and will never share on the blog, nor will i ever speak about except to specific people - at least, until i'm READY to ever go public about it for one reason or another. point is - i was 18. i held my fault in broaching the topic in the first place - however gently it was - but it was even more on the fault of the other person, 14 years older than me, for never shutting it down and in fact encouraging and adding to it all. this would have been fine if things didn't explode the way they did, but - well, they exploded.

really bad. to the point that i was actively gaslit and i genuinely believed myself to be a problem because surely, it was all my fault. they had made it OUT to be my fault. i was told i was obsessed with control and that i needed help - all by someone that much older than me, all by someone who insisted that it was a black and white of child or adult, no inbetween. i couldn't ask for things only a child would get because i was an adult and i had to act like it. and that's just - not a healthy way to be. at all. ever.

just ... please, if you're going to have the age of 18 be your limit, please be mindful of the vulnerabilities of people RIGHT at that limit. i want the older folks to be mindful that we're still all figuring stuff out and we can and will fuck up sometimes - just like EVERYONE ELSE does, only maybe a little bit more unstably.

don't expect us to be perfect. in that same breath, please SHUT US DOWN if we push too far on something - we need clear boundaries, and boundaries like that were never SET with me because of the other party engaging actively. it's a complicated, fucked up mess ; i don't want anyone else to be hurt the way i did, nor do i want anyone to hurt people the way they hurt me.

i wasn't given that luxury. i was taken advantage of, and i don't ever, EVER want anyone else to go through that. this is why i'm still hesitant of people that much older than me - but i haven't even really begun to cover it all, and i don't really want to do that yet. it's hard to put these thoughts together to begin with without feeling indescribable rage at how long i had suppressed those memories that proved i wasn't at fault, not in the way i was said to be.

use that emotional maturity you have for the better. see us like little siblings, the same way peers can exist in different age groups but still communicate with eachother. just ...

be calm. and understanding. have your boundaries and ENFORCE THEM, and be kind while doing so unless given good reason otherwise. if you make 18 your limit, please treat anyone within that age range with the same respect you'd give just a newbie college student. don't ... expect full people out of us. not yet.

the pandemic fucked up everything. the economy sucks. the world is dying, and we're the ones left with it - so please just ... be kind. especially since people younger than i am are getting progressively less safety-literate. even for my generation specifically i'm on the higher end of safe, but i still was hurt by someone older than me - just not in the way most people would think of if i ever used the word for what actually happened. and that's a problem.

please, please set your boundaries. be EXPLICIT about them. do not be vague because odds are, none of them have the life experience to read between the lines like that yet. we don't have life experience period - even 20 is still so young.

i was 18 then. i turned 19 right at the end of it all. and i dealt with that for 3 whole years, all of it blaming myself in secret - until recently, that is. that talk was eye-opening and life-altering. i want to be a pillar now because of it - someone that those younger than me can turn to for help, but someone that those older than me can talk to to be able to bridge some kind of gap between them and the young adults.

i was 18 then. i don't believe anyone here will be as irresponsible as them - but i have to say this, regardless, because i may be their only victim with this experience. i was 18 then, and i've changed since - but i'm still young, still learning.

let us learn, so that you can learn from us too. we gotta work together to foster a safe community for everyone involved.

[jinkieswouldyoulookatthis]

The whole DNI banner thing in general feels very new and sad to me. Just so emblematic of the culture of trying to force everyone else to cater to the online experience you want, instead of tailoring your experience for yourself. It's one thing to expect people not to be hateful or mean in your notes, and another entirely to restrict the people you're willing to interact with to the ones you don't think are "degenerate".

Depending on how you define "shipping", I've always "shipped" Destiel and never "shipped" Wincest, but I've always enjoyed reading Wincest and Daddycest content. Specifically the darker stuff (my first big favorite spn fic was "Sins of the Innocent" by reapertownusa). I'm just not sure what, exactly, the folks who don't want to interact with "Wincesties" are afraid of. We're all just, like, regular people, and the world out there kinda thinks that *all* shippers are freaks, anyway.

As far as I can tell, and I realize that the situation will not be the same for everyone, there's this need to shun people who are deemed to be degenerates (as you said). Liking Wincest is definitely taken as a sign of real life moral failing.

Once again, I do want to stress that while I don't ship it, I have nothing against Destiel as a ship. When I first got into this fandom I read a lot of of everything and that's how I learned what worked for me and what didn't. That was in 2015 and I remember being more embarrassed about liking a ship at all than I was about being more drawn to the idea of Sam and Dean together than I was towards Dean and Castiel. So it took me a long time before I just embraced it. During that time I've seen the shift in the shipping wars, the imposed battle for morality that some seem to think that they are fighting. And I've seen it mirror the outside world's steady slide into authoritarianism.

These DNIs are not really important in the grand scheme of things, I'm a respectful person (no matter what kind of shit I may spew when I get frustrated here) and I wouldn't ever knowingly push my ship, or anything else, onto someone who made it clear they didn't want it. I even double check blogs that I reblog from (or whose gifs I add to my own posts) before adding even a wincest tag to a post, to do my best to avoid upsetting anyone. I've been yelled at too many times and generally prefer to avoid unnecessary conflict.

And that's just it, if these blogs listed that Wincest squicked them, I would do all of this to avoid upsetting them, and still be able to share this space with them. But I don't think it's just about them not being exposed to Wincest, that's part of it for sure, but it's also about them not wanting to share this space with me. They don't want me in their space at all because they have made a personal judgement against me based on the flavor of fiction that I enjoy being an idiot about on this dumpster fire of a website.

It's that I see so many posts that have nothing to do with Destiel being tagged with it which feels like another way of setting up a fence between them and those of us they think need to stay away from them. These DNIs feel like giant no trespassing signs, the really over the top ones that tell you exactly what kind of gun they'll shoot you with if you don't obey the sign. And I guess that I just expect more from tumblrinas because I assumed that we better understand what it feels like to be judged and excluded. But really, people are people, and sometimes people are scared, reactionary, assholes, even here.

[six-of-ravens]

vague list of goals for the new year:

made a list of reading goals on the book blog but overall they kinda boil down to "have fun and also maybe reread these 3 series." no numerical goals this year cause I wanna just enjoy books lmao

try and be REALLY GOOD about budgeting this year. unclear if things will get easier or harder economically, if I'll be able to keep my apartment or not, but I want to develop just the tiniest bit of restraint and self-control so I'm not causing myself additional stress by making stupid decisions.

try and be healthier in ways that I think will actually improve my life. so like, exercise more so I don't feel like a shrivelled pain pretzel and to improve my stamina and strength so I can do hikes without being drained for like a week after (also can I get a liiiiittle buff? just a little?). try to wear my nightguard more regularly so my teeth stop deteriorating at such an alarming (and expensive) rate (even though it's uncomfortable and will take time to get used to sleeping with). eat more fruit and leafy greens. start moisturizing and drinking more water so my skin doesn't feel awful.

on that note, would love to start my exercise bike + reading routine again as it's a good way to decompress after work and also gives me dedicated Reading Time each day that's not my questionably long/undisrupted lunch break.

try to improve my mental health by pushing back against the negative self-talk more, man I can be a real cunt to myself and sometimes it literally feels like there's a two year old tantruming in my head. also try and take work less personally. like I'll still care about it but try not to get so very upset at things lol.

try and get better at cleaning things up as I make messes (ie. doing the dishes every day or at least putting them in the dishwasher) so I don't feel like I have to dedicate a whole day of the weekend to cleaning.

try and do at least 3 courses relating to skills I want to improve. I have Maggie Stiefvater's novel writing course that I got during Black Friday, but also might look up Masterclass or something similar and see if there's anything cheap or free on there for writing or cooking or maybe something else I haven't discovered yet.

try and do more crafty hobbies that I've been neglecting, like knitting or embroidery or something. I have the supplies I just never *do* any of them.

try and watch at least 1 movie or show (episode , not a whole season) a week that's either a) new or b) I haven't watched in the past 3 years. also try and catch up so s15 of spn in time for November 5th lmao. this is a good time to ALSO do handcrafts as spn is occasionally painful to pay too much attention to.

try and dedicate at least half an hour a day to writing - even if I don't write, at least spend some time thinking about the story in a productive way. would really like to finish a draft of North this year, like, finish my current rewrite, edit it, and feel like someone else could read it.

try and resurrect this idea I had in 2019 to do 1 interesting thing per month. like, go to the theatre, movies, a museum, to a new restaurant or bar, the science center, zoo, or even for a hike in a new place or road trip. doesn't have to be complicated or expensive, just something to get me out of my comfort zone a little.

[larcenywrites]

How are you feeling?? Are you okay?? You write so much for us every day, but we don't even ask how you... I hope all is well!

Aw tysm for the thoughts 🥹🥹❤️❤️ Honestly? Yeah, it’s pretty great! Back when I started this (June 2022 was it? I know it hasn’t been very long) I was already in a kinda not good place and writing kinda helped until a lot of stuff went downhill. And I wanted to write for this blog! I did! But I was really struggling and nearly every day I stared at all those unfinished works that had been promised months ago and felt shittier every time I had a page open for a whole day and wrote nothing, and figured no one probably cared anymore anyway but that was fine I guessed! And so I pushed stuff out when I randomly got a burst of energy, only to fall back into my slump days later even with the support a lot of my stuff got and still gets! Fast forward to, what, mid February this year? Also not long ago, after I worked on some things with some very good friends, and I found my love for writing again and for creating and for loving this character that I’ve loved literally my whole life! (Well almost, I was 8 when iron man 1 released lmao) and I didn’t want to lose that again!! And somehow I went from posting like once or twice every two weeks and then disappearing to posting like- every day- because I WANT to! In fact, it’s so hard because I so badly want to neglect my homework and studying to do this! To create and to indulge you guys and to create a world here 😭🤧❤️🥹

Sometimes it’s still hard because- well, like tonight, I promised myself when I get home I’m gonna write at least 600 more words for that one shot request I still haven’t pushed out! Aaaand then I got sidetracked with you guys because I genuinely love interacting with people who are just as insane as me?? That and I had to redo the Masterlist because links got fucked today and like right now I feel so bad that it’s not out and it’s been like probably almost a full two weeks since I got it :( and I have god idk how many hcs requests rn xD and I know I don’t have to, but sometimes I feel obligated to get things out ASAP or it’s something I super want to write about even though I’m already behind on this weeks IT homework! I still haven’t found a balance, and I’m a little anxious between it all sometimes, but honestly I’d say that getting back into this has pulled me out of my giant slump where I had no hobbies, or cares, or any kind of happy thoughts!

Sorry for the long rant, but genuinely like- your support and eagerness (as stressful as it can be at times 😂) has gotten me back into a hobby I forgot I loved so much! And I get to share it and build it with other people which much younger me always wanted to do and never figured I would because I was so shy and anxious! So yes, I’ve been doing great and in fact need to learn to chill out a little and allow myself to have some personal room from time to time 😂❤️

And I hope you guys like this series I’m planning out because I’m so excited to write it :D but I want to get out that request first and finish at least a few more hcs that have been sitting around before I do. Honestly even if you guys don’t like it, just like how some of my stuff I was so eager to write doesn’t get as much attention as others, I’ve started to learn how to just love what I do anyway and putting it out into the world means that I just put something loved and authentic out that someone in the future might appreciate! At least I did! And it helped me feel better for another day ❤️

[savagecuhnt]

I posted 1,220 times in 2022

That's 492 more posts than 2021!

519 posts created (43%)

701 posts reblogged (57%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@myriadxofxmuses

@heartxshaped-bruises

@goddamnmuses

@glitchexmachina

@thrall-of-the-hill-arch

I tagged 913 of my posts in 2022

Only 25% of my posts had no tags

#ooc - 158 posts

#writingxthexsilence - 93 posts

#answered - 74 posts

#&lt;3 - 44 posts

#indie horror rp - 35 posts

#heartxshaped-bruises - 34 posts

#✖║𝕾𝖆𝖛𝖆𝖌𝖊𝖈𝖚𝖍𝖓𝖙║✖ ⛧ℝ𝕠𝕤𝕒𝕝𝕪𝕟 ⛧: 𝙰𝚗𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚍 - 30 posts

#dark rp - 26 posts

#glitchexmachina - 26 posts

#✖║𝕾𝖆𝖛𝖆𝖌𝖊𝖈𝖚𝖍𝖓𝖙║✖ ⛧ℝ𝕠𝕤𝕒𝕝𝕪𝕟 ⛧: ship ☾ 𝚁𝚘𝚜𝚊���𝚢𝚗 & 𝙴𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗 - 23 posts

Longest Tag: 81 characters

#✖║𝕾𝖆𝖛𝖆𝖌𝖊𝖈𝖚𝖍𝖓𝖙║✖ ⛧ℝ𝕠𝕤𝕒𝕝𝕪𝕟 ⛧: ship ☾ 𝚁𝚘𝚜𝚊𝚕𝚢𝚗 & 𝙽𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

@heartxshaped-bruises​ asks ‘ do you ever think we should stop meeting like this?’ 

 Spoken words come as a surprise to the witch as she stands from a crouched position. There’s a self satisfied smirk that plays at the corner of her crimson stained lips as she wipes the blood splatter from her face. She wonders how long he’s been standing there in the shadows, watching as she takes the life from yet another shit stained soul. Petty criminals are never truly missed, no big news announcement, no man hunt for their killer, just another criminal off the streets and out of the hair of the boys in blue. An easy target, and easy payday. Gloved digits slip out what cash is in her victim’s wallet before tossing it beside his lifeless body. Joe now has her full attention.

 “now why would we stop such romance, hm?” boots cross the space between her and Joe, gloves now coming off and stuffed into the small bag she keeps over her shoulder. “I was wondering when I’d run into you again. I can almost say I’ve started to miss you.” there’s no sense of personal space as she wraps her arms around him, lips pressing to the side of his masked face. “If I knew you were coming, I would’ve waited a little longer.”

18 notes - Posted June 5, 2022

#4

continued from X

@writingxthexsilence​

 there’s was enough energy left to allow a small smile to stretch along her lips. An obvious stress in his tone. he was worried. and his coping mechanism; comedic sarcasm. “you’d love to watch me take my last breath.” she coughs as hand squeezes at her abdomen. It wasn’t looking too good for her. She was leaving herself vulnerable. out in the open to be snatched up. taken to some prison of a hospital to be experimented on. Eternity as a prisoner just didn’t have a nice ring to it. Death was a better option at this point, but she knew the gods would never grant her such peace.

 “I’ve managed to get to some weird storage unit of a place. kinda reminds me of--”she growls out in pain, trying to reposition herself against a wall. “your fun room. I-I don’t fuckin’ know where I am. woke up in a SUV. fought my way outta it. got shot a bunch and uh--” she manages to laugh, “ended up here. bleedin’ out.” she lays her head back against the cool concrete wall, eyes closing as she tries to steady her breathing. “if they find me...you gotta save me. okay?” she wasn’t one for theatrics, hates showing emotions, though Ethan was one to witness such break downs. Raw emotion she never usually allows anyone to see. he was different. He understood. It annoyed him, that she was certain of, but it wasn’t enough to push him away. and only if he knew just how much she appreciated him for that “there’s so much shit I haven’t told you--” 

  she feels her eyes well up with fresh tears, the taste of blood filling her mouth as she fights back the urge to cough, “just fuckin’ swear you won’t leave me behind, babe. even if it looks like I’m dead. You fuckin’ take my body and keep it somewhere safe if you have to--” another growl as she begins to cough. blood pours from her mouth and she knows she’s about to lose consciousness. “Don’t let them take me away again...don’t let them use me....” 

See the full post

21 notes - Posted August 8, 2022

#3

 @gadgetmxn liked for a starter

   heels of her boots click behind her with haste. she’s slipping in and out of the way of late night city goers, moving passed them on the sidewalk. she keeps checking over her shoulder. she sees no one, but she feels them. feels their presence. she’s being followed. has been for the past fifteen minutes. what was supposed to be a quick recon job, has twisted into a bigger issue for “The witch”. usually going unseen, like a ghost, she had undeniably been sloppy.

 “Excuse me. pardon me. get the fuck out of the way.” she snaps as she hits the corner, now beginning to pick up speed. she finds herself sprinting through neon lit city streets. inked digits gripping her duffel bag at her side. she can hear the thudding of quickly approaching footsteps coming from behind. she makes the quick decision to turn one last corner, clashing bodies with an unsuspecting stranger. she drops her bag in the process, managing to kick it off to the side as she grips onto the stranger. She repositions them as she presses her back against the cool, brick wall, arms throwing themselves over their shoulders as she presses her petite frame to theirs. glacial orbs gaze pleadingly up at them, “Please, just go with it.” 

   face buries itself in the crook of their neck, body swaying side to side as she hears the footsteps stop, angered voices muttering back and forth before the footsteps begin to lead off into the opposite direction. she lingers for just a bit longer before she pulls away enough to smile up at the stranger, “Thank you. I’m pretty sure you, in better terms: just saved my life.” she pulls away to grab her bag, tossing it over her shoulder once again. “Thank you. Really.”

See the full post

21 notes - Posted October 26, 2022

#2

  inked digits hurriedly pull large headphones from ears and let them rest around her thin neck. Her attention is focused as ice blue hues stare down at a key pad in hand, her eyes move from screen to key pad as she mindlessly types in codes. She looks over her shoulder, then back to the screen. She’s muttering to the music that blares from her headphones, and then suddenly the Atm screen turns blue and cash begins to spill out. “there we go.” she grins to herself, grabbing as much of the money as she can and stuffing it into the the small black shoulder bag she has across her chest. She’s quick to unplug her key pad and shove it into the cash filled bag, ready to make a run for it.

 her rollerblades are fastened tightly to her feet as she begins to speed down the sidewalk. In this moment she feels free, wild, unhinged. Nothing can stop her. Nothing except a mindless idiot crossing in front of her. “Oh Shit--” she swerves to the right and hits a curb, causing her to fly forward, landing to the cold concrete and rolling out into the street. She lays there for a moment, eyes staring up at the night sky as cars begin to honk. “Fuck off--” she mutters to herself. she groans, and rolls onto her stomach, making an attempt to crawl back onto the sidewalk.

34 notes - Posted March 1, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

“ what do you mean YOU’RE LEAVING ? ” glacial blue orbs begin to sting as she forces back the tears that are beginning to well in the corners of her eyes. hands are shaking, usual gorgeous, raven tresses are a matted mess. “ You chose me, you chose to be with me--” she chokes, “ I’m not fuckin’ sane. and neither are you!” fists slam against the wall, leaving a perfect fist shaped hole in the drywall, “ don’t fuckin’ do this...please.” it’s a struggle to fight back her emotions, and she’s losing miserably.

 Sliding down the wall, she pulls her knees to her chest and begins to sob, “I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m a fuckin’ mess!” inked digits wipe at her eyes, “I-I don’t know what you want me to say, just...just don’t leave me.”

41 notes - Posted May 9, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[dzpenumbra]

3/18/23

Again, I'm avoiding this.

I'm just fed up.

This hellish cycle just won't end.

I started today on a good foot, I really did. I struggled a bit with yoga, but I pushed myself and got there. I got a phone call halfway through meditating, and I tuned it out and kept going. I went to the package room before even showering (that's a big push outside my comfort zone social anxiety-wise) to get my new fabric inks. I had a plan, I had tools, I had momentum.

I had 5 things on my goals list for today - check on the art supply delivery (check), desire path concept prototype (check), clean art station a bit (nope), water orchid (nope). At this point in the day, I had gotten exactly one thing on that list done. I had briefly started to throw together an idea for the prototype, I'll get into that later so I can wrap this up on a positive note.

The call while I was meditating was my mom. Let me just preface what's to come by stating the obvious here. I have been extremely stressed out lately, which I think is pretty obvious in my writing, especially when compared to my writing from around when I started this blog. I am very on-edge. I have no incoming sources of positivity, hope, optimism, etc... so I have to generate it myself. I'm grieving, and it's hitting me harder than I expected, in ways I wasn't expecting, too. Like... my left eye has been twitching for a fucking month now. I'm just... I can spiral into stress and frustration very quickly. And I'm really tired of holding back that wall every day, honestly. I kinda want to get that frustration and stress out of my system, not bottle it up.

My mom asked me how I was doing. I made it very clear that I was struggling. Despite my day being fine so far... my mind went immediately to the day before. The list I posted here. The mic problem with the art stream setup. The audio routing issues with music streaming. It came flooding back instantly, and my mood followed. This was my only opportunity to speak to another person who was presenting themselves in a supportive role. I communicated the struggles I was having as much as I could, but I really wasn't getting many questions, much engagement. I just... didn't understand why she couldn't comprehend the problem. In my head, I spelled it out perfectly. "I have two desks now. The mic arm is like 2.5 feet long. The desk is like... 6 feet long. The mic functions best directionally, and... can't rotate because of that, because the shock mount doesn't work that way." I tried to appeal to the frustration of having to unhook my mic, unfasten my mic stand clamp, move it to the other desk and reset it... every time I want to switch between gaming and art streams. And I was planning on doing this... at least one stream switch a day... so... likely two mic swaps per day, every day that I stream. It's fucking obnoxious.

And it hit me instantly. I've had this same problem... since I started doing the bird illustration streams. Since I tried doing art streams and set up my station in the old studio space. I had to swap the mic between the two rooms. I used to stream games from my laptop on my couch so I could chill with my dog, and have my mic mounted on a wooden coffee table next to the couch. But once I added in art streams, I had to move the entire setup over to the studio space. Permanently. I was sitting on a drum throne in there at my drafting table for like 6-8 hours a day. It really fucked up my hips and my back. And my dog just slept on the bed behind me. We didn't really get to interact as much as before. It was a big shift in my life. It was back in like... early 2022, I think. Like late winter/early spring. I was in that studio space for like a year. I didn't even use my couch anymore after that, I moved it to the other side of the room because of its disuse and it remained unused until the night my dog died. I mean that.

I had another microphone identical to the one I have now. It was supposed to be for my brother, I think. I guess he didn't want it. Or maybe he tried it and learned quickly that... it didn't work... Because... it didn't work. And I was really hopeful and optimistic that I could just set up the two mics - one at the couch spot, one at my studio spot - and be fine. But every time I used the second mic... it would make clicking sounds in Discord, like loud popping sounds. I swapped out the cable, same problem. Swapped out mics... fixed it. So... pretty clear it was a mic problem. So... even if I have this mic in my new apartment, which I am pretty sure I don't... pretty sure it didn't survive the move... it's not like I can use it.

The speed I type this out is actually lagging really slow behind my thoughts when I go through really stressful stuff like this, and in conversations, my thoughts go even faster. I have kinda adapted to slowing my thought stream down a bit in order to type it accurately. So... everywhere my brain went up above? That happened in like... 2 seconds. And I didn't see a solution. Because I'm not about to ask my mom to buy me a new microphone. Even if she offered one to me, I don't have an extra port to plug it into. I would need a new input box too. Good lord, all this fucking equipment is like 10 years old. I swear, I'm doing the best I know how with the equipment I've got. I just... I don't like asking my family for money-related things. If they offer of their own free will, I'll talk it over. But I'm not about to go ask my rich parents for a second studio mic for my livestream that has a whopping 0.3 average viewers.

And this is supposed to be for my fucking business. This is my way of introducing my art to new people. Social networking. Opening my studio to the world. This is it. This is all I have. So it's kind of a big deal that I can't fucking talk to my audience. Add to that... that I can't even play music either. So my stream goes from cool music and cool art and hanging out and chatting with the artist ... to sitting there and watching art being made with no interaction, no explanation, with fucking muzak playing over it. At what point in this process is this no longer even my stream?

So yeah. As you can probably tell from how upset I am right now... these emotions were not easy for her to handle. And by not easy, I mean she literally felt threatened by me, and started to guilt me into showing some form of gratitude or appreciation that she googled a mic stand... for a different type of microphone... that's $27... on Amazon... as a solution to this problem... And, I guess, just kinda tried to make me feel indebted for even having a living being to speak to about this. Like... even if she outright said she "couldn't relate" and said "if you need help, you need to tell me how to help", shit like that. I mean. Okay. I'm just gonna go off here.

WHY. THE FUCK. WOULD I COME UP WITH A SOLUTION TO MY OWN PROBLEM IN FRONT OF SOMEONE. AND THEN DELEGATE IT TO THE ONE PERSON. WHO JUST SAT THERE AND WATCHED ME COME UP WITH IT. WHO HAS NO WORKING KNOWLEDGE OF THE PROBLEM ITSELF. WHY THE HELL WOULD I NOT JUST SOLVE IT MYSELF AT THAT POINT.

She asks me how I'm doing. I am honest and forthright, yet metered because I can intuitively tell it's an unsafe environment for me to express those emotions. I was correct in that assessment. She engages and tries to help without gathering enough information about the situation. The attempt falls flat. I get blamed for not giving enough information. When I'm pissed off. And holding my emotions back because she will lose her shit on me if I just go off. <here's the best part> There is no second attempt. It turns immediately into my fault that I am not communicating effectively. As though pointing fingers at me and demanding praise and tribute is going to make me communicate the way she fucking wants. Ever tried... I don't know... asking nicely? Being polite? Being considerate of other peoples' feelings?

I swear to god, I even went all out and brought in examples... like "hey, this would be like if you just suddenly... didn't have a phone in your office." An attempt to bring someone who is miles the fuck away in their own head into a situation that feels similar to mine, that creates the same limitations. To show her how I am feeling at that moment. Nope. Just breezes right past that, like I never even spoke, not even an attempt to empathize.

My fucking ex used to do the same shit. All of this. To try one goddamn thing to help when I was going through a rough time, then taking huge offense when it didn't work, and immediately self-victimizing. I am literally in social isolation. These women seek me out. They attempt to be supportive once. They do not succeed in supporting me in that one attempt. They blame me. It hurts them. And suddenly... like goddamn magic... they need support! And it just so happens that their support is... way more urgent than mine! How... fucking... convenient... --- correction: How fucking toxic. --- "But how am I supposed to help you when you're not telling me how to help you?!" Bitch, you just sat there silent for 15 minutes after I asked you a direct question, you wanna come after me because I didn't hold your hand and spoonfeed you the solution to my own problem, so you can swoop in and take credit for it? Fuck off. Fuck off with that slimy shit. How about you... I don't know... get to know me? Get to know who I am, what I do, why I would feel that way... and then decide whether you're on my side... because you come to me acting like you're on my side, then start fucking pointing fingers at me the second I get upset as though I'm breaking some kind of unwritten rule you came up with or some shit.

I remember clearly having a morning where I was extremely pissed off at my landlord for mowing the lawn. At 10:30 AM. 2 feet outside my window, which was open in the summer. When I had told both of my landlords several times that I work nights. That was... probably 4.5 hours of sleep, woken up by a diesel engine and a whirring steel blade 2 feet away from my head, when I have PTSD. And I remember being on the phone with her, and she... wasn't even sympathetic. She was acting as though me being upset with that was like... unreasonable. Like it didn't make sense or something, like it was bad for me to be upset. That has happened so many times, I can't even count. Just completely dismissing my perfectly reasonable upset, claiming to be "supportive". Spoiler - dismissive is like... the opposite of supportive.

Dead honest, it feels like exploitation. Like my struggles are being exploited and used as like... fun little projects so they can farm "thank you's" and "praise". And they can just bat their eyelashes... or raise their voice and threaten... to twist me into doing all the steps, all the heavy lifting for them. Getting to understand the general situation, identifying all the relevant factors at play, understanding how I feel about it and its importance, putting themselves in my shoes (easy as fuck when you get the other person to put themselves in their own shoes...), start brainstorming options, come up with a plan, delegate responsibility. It all falls on my lap.

This isn't fucking supporting someone who is clearly overwhelmed with emotions. This is watching someone fucking work, while you sit there and look at your fucking Apple Watch and wait for your shopping list to be handed to you, then you click like 6 fucking buttons and BOOM. Problem solved. MY GODDAMN HERO.

Meanwhile. I'm fucking alone. And they have learned absolutely nothing about my life, nothing about my work, nothing about my struggles or how to help me. Because they cut. Fucking. Corners. Because they used emotional manipulation and "poor me, I'm too dumb or old or female or 'don't care about your stupid hobbies' or whatever excuse I can think of in the moment" to coerce me into solving my own problem, for an audience, and then swoop in to gobble up all of my well-earned self-esteem boost from having conquered that obstacle.

Let me tell you what gaming and skateboarding taught me. That apparently these fucking people didn't learn. Those who have never eaten shit 200 times trying a kickflip... will never fucking come close to understanding the value of landing your first kickflip. Those who have never gotten shredded over and over and over by the Taurus Demon in Dark Souls, because you're brand new to the series, you don't know anything about it, you're doing everything you can and you just keep getting fucking stomped. They will never understand what it feels like to finally beat it. Because they quit. Half the time, they don't even attempt it more than once. They just... never try.

You wanna act like clocking in hours and making someone else work your shift is the same value as actually doing the work yourself? You see... I'm gonna keep going with the skate and gaming analogy here. You think you're cheating others. You think that. Say you look up some video on how to beat Taurus Demon. You don't figure it out yourself. You don't learn his move-set, you don't learn your own move-set, you don't use the terrain, you just look up some tutorial online and just copy what they did. What the fuck do you do at the next boss? Hmm? <checks watch> Hmm? No clue, huh. Guess... you're gonna look that boss up too, right? At that point, you're doing a color by numbers and calling it "painting". You're nuking a microwave dinner and calling it "cooking". And most people (I wish I was exaggerating, truly most people) hold themselves back from doing this only because of the judgement of others. Only because people might find out they're "cheating" and they might "get in trouble". Like they're some 14 year old hiding in the garage smoking their aunt's cigarettes or something.

What they don't realize. Is that they cheat themselves. They cheat themselves out of learning, and subsequently growing. LEARNING. IS. OVERCOMING. OBSTACLES. Learning is failing, taking notes, getting back up and learning again. That is literally the definition of learning. There is no learning without risk of failing to learn. And the only way you guarantee that you do not learn... is to give up, or to cheat.

I'm so fed up with this. I just can't do it. I feel like the only support I'm going to get at all is money. So... if that's how things stand... I really shouldn't be giving anything more than... work orders. I should just send shopping lists or something. It feels gross. But the rest of it kinda just feels like a fragile façade right now. Caring about how I feel? Didn't see much of that today, in fact... I got about 10 minutes of actual concern for how I felt, and about 2.5 hours of having my own feelings and my expression of those feelings weaponized against me, and leveraged to explain to me very clearly that the reason I am not getting support or assistance in my life... is because I'm a poor communicator.

I. The writer. The artist. The musician. The radio broadcaster. The streamer. The storyteller. The poet. AM A BAD COMMUNICATOR. AND I NEED TO WORK ON IT. BECAUSE I SUCK AT COMMUNICATING. I WONDER WHY I STRUGGLE TO MEET PEOPLE. I WONDER WHY I'M SO SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT MY WORK AND SEE MYSELF AS AN IMPOSTOR. I've had this shit ground into my head weekly for over 4 years straight, with minimal breaks, no break longer than... a month or two. THE ENTIRE PANDEMIC. I wish I was exaggerating!

So... I have gathered very clearly that... this is not a safe environment for me to express my honest emotions. My feelings that were inhibiting my communication, that were holding feelings back, that were restricting my expression and keeping them internal? They were correct. Those were correct assessments. So... I'm going to have to keep my distance. Isolation be damned. It's better to be alone and free than whatever the fuck I was subjected to again today.

I learned that with my ex. I had about 6-8 months of freedom from those behaviors... then my mom brought it back in. If she can't keep those behaviors away from me, I will be forced to cut off my last family member.

Well... not my last. I still have my older brother. And my nephew. So, that's very good. I really need to keep reminding myself that.

Okay, let's move to something more positive, shall we? I prototyped the desire path project today. I got really obsessed at the end of the night last night with... exploring a natural environment first person. Like... if I'm going to be the traveler (rather than AI) in this project, I'd like to actually go on the journey, not just move a pen around on a paper. I went with Minecraft. I remembered that there was a minimap mod that tracked your recent movements, Xaero's maps. I got them set up, and even contacted the developer to see if he could give me a tutorial on how to tweak the values on the trail - it leaves little red x's on the map behind you, but at a pretty large time interval (so not a ton of detail, lots of spacing between x's in the trail) and they disappeared after about 60 seconds. I was trying to see if he could let me know how to manually adjust the placement interval and the duration, so I didn't have to screenshot the fucking map every 60 seconds. Welp... he didn't. He got back to me after like 3 hours, which is cool, but he said he'd consider it for a future patch. Then I get lectured for 3 hours about how I'm a bad communicator - when I literally communicated verbatim "could you throw together a quick tutorial for me on how I could manually alter the values in your mod to get this effect? I'm not very experienced with coding" Yeah, guess I didn't ask 3 times, my fucking bad. Maybe I'll just draw a fucking diagram next time.

So after the stupid bullshit with my mom, I started tracking. I started at a village and set random waypoints around the map. I set the spacing way too fucking far, because I wanted to wander and to have a fun adventure... but I bit off a lot more than I could chew. So... I ended up narrowing it down to just going to one Point of Interest for now. So... my first journey, I had the general direction of where I was headed, and the waypoint would pop up to guide me in if I got within 250m of it. Otherwise I'd never find it, and I liked the whole... gravitational pull aspect of it. So I got super lost, explored a lot and then eventually found the waypoint. I set up a big shrine at this location as a visual marker. Then I headed back, doing the same process, screenshotting every minute or so. After every trip, I'd stitch the screenshots together in GIMP and trace my trail. The first trip was something around 30 screenshots, the last one was 11. I started to get a feel for the environment, learning little landmarks with each pass. There was a village about 2/3 of the way there, there was a sharp corner area by a bay that I used as a reference point, two river crossings where I tried to be a bit realistic and cross at the narrowest place I could visually find. And each trip, I learned more and more landmarks. I did the trip 5 times in total. Then I put all my trips on top of the master map and looked for overlaps. I went back into the world and used a shovel to make path blocks and added torch markers on a fence post where 3 or more paths overlapped, to simulate a desire path, a well-traveled area. There wasn't a ton of overlap on paths, but there was a surprising amount, a lot more than I thought when I did it. I felt half-lost every time.

Now, when I do this again tomorrow, there will be some established trails to keep an eye out for. I will make a point to use a trail every time I see one, as long as it's heading towards my destination or a landmark I know. The torches will make them super visible at night. And as I continue to do this trip between Riverside and Bright Point Shrine, more and more ground will be converted into path. Sand will be compacted into sandstone, dirt will be compacted into paths. I might do bridges eventually, but I'm not quite there yet. I'm curious to see how dramatically the new paths narrow my wandering and... tame my travel into a deliberate direction. I plan to screenshot, stitch and track every trip... which is laborious but doable... and then add the trips to the master every 5 trips. And continue the rule - everywhere there are 3 or more paths overlapping is now compressed and has a torch marker.

Oh, and since I'm on markers... <eyeroll> ... I got my fabric paint. I just... didn't have time to work on my hoodie with everything. It's just sitting on my work table. Maybe tomorrow at some point. I'd really like to, these pens look like they're going to do some real good work for me. I think the mandala on the back of my hoodie is going to get some... I'm still trying to decide. I definitely want to add a metallic to it, I'm very drawn to silver right now. I'm just not sure about what other color. I feel like red is a bit too menacing for this hoodie. Maybe white? We can see how opaque the white is? I mean... that's the real test of an opaque paint pen, put white paint on a black hoodie. If that works, fucking every one of those should be solid gold. I'm just back and forth about like... testing... on this. BUT, this was supposed to be the test hoodie! I just got really attached to it! XD

Glad for the vibe reset. Lots of cool things coming down the pipeline. Trying to stay focused on that. And yeah, maybe this is good incentive to get the fuck out to the skatepark and meet new people, to just like... prove that not all people are stuck in these nasty habits like my ex and my mom. I can't let their paranoia about my emotions... make me feel like my emotions aren't safe to have around other people. I'm not a pitbull, I'm a pacifist. I'm just super stressed out and can't catch a break.

[horoscope-edits]

aaaa, sorry I've been gone for so long!! I'll get to the requests in the inbox very soon! again, I'm sorry!

~Mod Hawks ⋆

[bubbledumbbinch]

Heya! Congrats on the 100+ followers!! Your writing is really good and I enjoy reading your works!

If you dont mind, what would be your headcanons on the TWST dorm leaders of what prefrences they have for a S/O? Like what would they want in an S/O? (Also Im sorry if this has already been asked Im also kinda new to your blog as well ;w;)

Hii!! And thank you 🥰🥺💕 that means a lot to me!! I hope you stay and continue to enjoy yourself here!This hasn’t been asked before so I hope you enjoy!!! ;w; I hope you all enjoy I had a fun time (and a difficult time) writing this out! I think I made it too long, again ;w;

I made this SFW uwu just some fluff!!!! But please keep in mind before you follow me, I MOSTLY POST NSFW works.

Warnings: slight story spoilers for episode 5, for Idia’s part, if u squint

Pairings: Dorm Leaders x Reader

I put things under a cut for length!!

Riddle Rosehearts

Riddle would probably want a partner who does well in school - at least someone who tries to! It would go against his own desires to do well in life if he has a partner who doesn’t have the drive to succeed like he does.

He isn’t particularly fond of people who have a lot of potential yet waste it on being lazy. Like I said before, it goes against his own morals.

I also see him wanting someone fun-loving! Riddle grew up in an environment where fun was essentially taboo so he would be drawn like a moth to a flame to someone who has so much energy in them. Remember one of his best childhood friends is Che’nya so he would probably not hate the idea of joking around and being silly once in a while!

Someone who would love sweets like him! Not too often so he could maintain his shape, but someone who would love to indulge him once in a while!

Riddle would love to see an S/O who makes time for him and the unbirthday parties that Heartslabyul hosts! He feels like a good dorm leader and seeing you make an effort to come makes him feel like a great boyfriend too!

“Ah, Y/N, I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to make it today.” Riddle sighed to himself in relief. He feared his rose would come to the party late. “Ah, sorry Riddle! I was late because I was studying for Professor Crewel’s exam but I lost track of time!” You breathed out, a bit exhausted from running.

The redhead only nodded and smiled at you. “Don’t worry about it, my rose. We’ve only just begun the party, so no need to fret.” Riddle’s gentlemanly ways never failed to make your heart soar. “No no, I’ll make it up to you! I’ll bake you a tart sometime, you’ll let me right?” You playfully nudged at your boyfriend’s arm and smirked.

Riddle could only blush furiously. “Th-that would not be a bad idea. I suppose I would accept the gift graciously, dear, but only if we can cook it together. I believe it would be beneficial to both of us to learn!”

Leona Kingscholar

Someone who loves to nap with him like all the time

Leona would definitely want someone who is willing to praise him a lot. Growing up he never really had that and felt like he was overshadowed by his big brother, so this guy needs validation like crazy. Tell him how strong he is, how much you love him, how warm he is… he’ll scoff and look away but you could see the faintest blush on his cheeks. He secretly loves it.

I feel like Leona would like bratty tsunderes, for some reason. He would be the perfect teasing type for them and I think I can just picture Leona and his S/O getting into play fights that lead to something more, if you catch my drift.

Someone who can be “refined” enough for show so that when he brings you home to his family, they can accept you fully. The last thing he wants is his family pestering him about how his potential mate isn’t a good fit.

As tough as he may be he def wants someone at the end of the day to stroke his head and calm him down after a long and stressful day.

“Oi, herbivore, come here and be my pillow.” Leona’s gruff voice broke the silence of his room. He was sitting up on his bed while you studied on his desk. Giggling, you made your way into his bed, crawling over to where he was. Leona pushed your torso down gently and started nuzzling his head on your chest, and you could feel the vibrations coming from his body that was like a low growl. Or was it purring?

“Of course, anything for my big strong boyfriend, the best Magift player in the school, my one and only love~” you endlessly praised him, smiling at him as if he were a rare diamond. Leona only huffed as he wrapped his muscular arms around your form, effectively preventing you from leaving.

“Tch…. Damn right….” Leona mumbled. “Why don’t you tell me more while I start drifting to sleep?” Leona smirked. Running your fingers through his hair carefully, you obliged, feeling Leona’s breathing become more calm as you continued.

Azul Ashengrotto

Azul would ALSO want someone who praises him, due to his years of being bullied. Call him beautiful, smart, tell him he’s the most cunning man on campus. He EATS IT UP. This man will swear on his life for you.

He also would want someone who has the ability to work hard… what? The Mostro Lounge needs extra workers sometimes! Azul thinks that if he can own the lounge, manage contracts, AND study hard for school, his S/O should be able to match him!

I can see Azul absolutely praising/spoiling his S/O too. Since you give him so much happiness in his life he should pay it forward, no? What would you like, a new dress/suit? A new piece of jewelry?

Someone !!! Loyal!!! Azul wants someone who he can feel secure with in a relationship, so he probably wouldn’t want you to flirt with anybody else since his insecurities will SPARK UP like crazy!

Azul wants someone who loves him for who he is, unconditionally!

“Angelfish… hello, good evening. I’m sorry if I am a bit more tired than usual, I just finished with ordering more inventory for the lounge and dealing with some paperwork.” Azul sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. You dropped your bags on one of the chairs of the VIP room and walked over slowly to your octomer boyfriend. Bringing your arms to his shoulders, you slowly begin to knead and massage his arms gently. Azul groaned at the contact, muscles aching.

“How is this, Azul? I know how hard you work, you deserve to take a break too, sometimes…” you spoke gently into his ear, kissing the shell of it. The contact gave him slight goosebumps. “Ah, I would love to but, I have so much more to do… I know it’s going to be a late night for me, so why don’t you head on to sleep?” You tsked, upset with his answer. “I know it’s late Azul, that’s why I’m here. You know, if you keep doing this you’ll get wrinkles, right?”

“Ahem! Well. Then, this might be a good place to stop if that’s the case…” Azul huffed, standing up quickly to retire to his room, you in tow.

Kalim Al-Asim

Kalim wants someone who is cheerful! They may not be a ray of sunshine like he is, but I honestly can’t picture him with someone smug/gloomy. Kalim might be dense but he isn’t THAT stupid. I think he would be able to notice if you were upset which makes him upset.

Someone who is down for anything, Kalim would love to take you on a ride on his magic carpet at random hours of the day so be prepared to drop whatever you’re doing if you want to appease your impulsive boyfriend!

A fun loving person for sure, who isn’t super self conscious about what people think. If he asks you to dance with him he would really love for you to join! He wouldn’t want you to say something like, “oh, but I’m a bad dancer…” Kalim would shake his head and ask you why you would say that! It’s all about having a fun time together, right?

A patient lover is what Kalim would want as well, someone who’s kind, too. At the end of the day when Kalim is ready to sleep after his crazy antics, he wants a partner he can be able to lay next to and feel like himself.

Someone who loves him even if he weren’t rich, Kalim would want someone for their personality and not materialistic things or beauty. Kalim sees someone for their heart ! (*´꒳`*)

You yawned heavily while rubbing your eyes. Was that a tapping noise coming from the window? “Ugh…. What time is it?” Checking your phone, you saw it was 1:30am. You also had a text from Kalim.

*tap tap tap*

You groggily walked over to the window and opened the curtains to see Kalim sitting on his magic carpet with the biggest grin upon seeing you. Opening the window, you giggled lightly. “Good evening Kalim, fancy seeing you here so late.”

“Hi, Y/N!! I woke up and felt bored so, you wanna join me on a night ride around campus?” Kalim practically beamed at you, even this late at night. His smile never failed to make your heart flutter. The boy’s positive energy also transferred to you, effectively waking you up.Stepping onto the carpet from your window was your answer. After getting situated, you kissed Kalim’s cheek and held his hand. “Of course Kalim, I would love to.”

Vil Schoenheit

Someone who can tough out his callous words and treatment. Vil might be a bit much, but the reason why he does this is because he does it with the goal of ultimately helping you. He only wants to see the best out of people, including but not limited to his little sweet potato!

Someone who is patient. He knows he checks who the most beautiful person is quite often and he doesn’t do it to annoy you, it’s just for his own personal validation issues. Lay a hand on his arm, back, or head to give him praises and let him know he’s beautiful to you no matter what.

Someone who is willing to pepper him lightly with kisses (not the face though, he has makeup on!). He definitely eats it up and loves it so much, he feels like you are treating him like a king. He’ll pay that back tenfold and give you beauty treatments, it’ll feel like you’re at the spa on a weekday!

Vil is constantly posting on Magicam, depending on whether you’re comfortable enough to be posted on there he would want to make sure you are okay with him constantly taking photos to be posted on there. Whether it be food you cooked, matching couples outfits, or even pictures of you without makeup, be ready to face comments of all sorts coming from his fans.

“Mira Mira on my phone… Currently, who is the most beautiful of all?” You heard Vil speak outside of his room. Currently you sat on the small chaise at the foot of his bed. Vil told you he needed to step out for a second, so you could get ready for bed now. After putting on your sleeping clothes, Vil finally came back in, seeming more irritated than before. His eyebrows furrowed and his body looked tense.

“Vil, are you alright?” You questioned him as you made your way to his bed, slipping under the covers. Vil only sighed and exchange a quick “Mm.” as he changed into his pajamas and came to join you. He was turned so his back was facing you and he was a bit distant. You knew he didn’t get the answer he wanted when he got those search results back. You didn’t know how to convince your boyfriend otherwise but you decided you needed to talk to him.

“Vil, darling…” you spoke gently as you nuzzled closer, your chest pressing into his back. Your arm wrapped around him to pull him closer, to which he responded with finally relaxing in your touch. “You’re one of the best things that’s happened to me, Vil, I don’t know if you realize how lucky I am to have such a loving, caring, and talented boyfriend like you. Your beauty is simply the cherry on top of the person I fell in love with. To me, you’re perfect. I love you.” You ended your tangent by placing a gentle kiss on his shoulder, dozing off.

You couldn’t see Vil but he trembled lightly as tears silently fell down his face. “Thank you… I love you too, my sweet potato.” Vil whispered into his pillow. With you, he always felt like the most beautiful person.

Idia Shroud

Personality wise, I don’t think Idia would be picky. He’s a shy person and honestly would be surprised he could get an S/O at all! So is Ortho!

Speaking of Ortho, Idia wants someone who is kind and loving to his little brother. Knowing his partner loves his brother would only make him fall for you harder!

Probably someone who would give Idia his own space until he finally felt comfortable and wanted to take it further, he would prob take a few days to even kiss you!!!

Idia wants someone to be his player 2 :) like actually, come over and game with him and he’ll probably be the happiest boy ever.

Big big bonus if you love anime, cosplay, gaming, etc. It’s one thing to be an otaku like Idia but when he has a partner to fully indulge in his interests with?? It’s a win-win situation for everyone! He wants to do a couple cosplay one day if he gets the courage to ask you.

Someone who won’t pressure him too much. If you remember how Riddle pressured Idia into trying to speak publicly, you know how much of a scary situation it put Idia in, even though he was able to do it. Stressing him out is just gonna make him unhappy :(

Someone who enjoys spending as much time inside as he does! I’m not talking a hikikomori but someone who wouldn’t be opposed to staying inside with him 99.9% of the time lol

“Y-Y/N-shi, would you like to g-go on a date with me soon?” Idia fumbled with his fingers, looking away as he asked you. You raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Idia, this is the first time you asked me to ‘go on a date’. Don’t tell me, are we actually going out somewhere?!”

“Eek! D-don’t be ridiculous, Y/N!!” He almost screeched the words out. Suddenly he pulled out a couple of VR headsets with hand controllers, and handed one to you. “Fuhehe, I just made a bunch of simulation locations. We could go to the park, a restaurant, even an amusement park..!” He grinned showing off his teeth.

You giggled at Idia’s enthusiasm, loving the way he gets after speaking about his own creations. “What a wonderful idea, Idia. Maybe we could take Ortho to the ‘amusement park’ too? We’ll be a big family.” You mused. Idia’s face brightened and a faint pink tinge covered his cheeks.

“F-family, huh? Ah, Y-Y/N-shi…. That would be n-nice…” Idia blushed as he considered what the future would bring for the both of you.

Malleus Draconia

Malleus would also mostly not have preferences on a person’s personality. Like, he wouldn’t say something like: “I want someone shy vs someone bold.” Anything his child of man does is interesting to him and he’s entranced by you!

That being said, Malleus would not tolerate rudeness, disrespect to him, Lilia, or his fellow dorm mates, etc. He may love you but he values those bonds more, especially Lilia’s and his grandmother’s.

Malleus wants someone who is willing to teach him human tendencies, since he is curious about them. Malleus will also probably never stop asking you about your life in the previous world, and listen passionately as you describe the hobbies you had, family members, etc.

As long as you continue to love and treat Malleus like a normal person and with kindness, he will continue to love you endlessly. He’s so unused to it that he will feel so special as you only coo in awe instead of fear away, if he showed you a magic trick or maybe donned more of his draconic features like his tail or long claws.

You walked with Malleus under the bright moonlight in the woods near Ramshackle dorm. His height and charm never failed to impress you. And his face, he was so very handsome. His striking green eyes always made you feel hypnotized and his horns were so well taken care of, you almost wanted to reach out and-

“Hm, Child of Man… you do know it’s quite rude to stare, yes?” Malleus chuckled and suddenly broke the silence, making you gasp. “Ah, sorry Tsunotarou. I-,” searching your thoughts, you just couldn’t think of anything quickly enough. “I just couldn’t help myself. You’re very attractive.” You murmured, admitting defeat.

“Oh? Do I not intimidate you, my dear? Usually humans and even other fae fear my features and tend to shy away…” Malleus looked down in thought as he continued walking. You wrapped yourself around one of his arms as he walked, effectively stopping him in his place. “Well, you don’t intimidate me! I like being around you, so, let’s keep it that way. I want to stay with you for a long time so don’t get too tired of me okay, Malleus?”

Hearing you say his given name only made the fae’s heart beat harder in his chest. Surely you knew what you did to him. He smiled down at you, green eyes softening in your gaze.

“I assure you I won’t, little human.”

[prof-peach]

if fans wanted to include peach in stuff they write, would that be okay? and how would they write peach's personality? aside from "FIGHT ME" anyway, i think that much is a given lol. i only really write the anime characters 'cause that's what i know, but it sounds like it'd be kinda fun to try making a version of ash that fits into this blog's universe! nerf'd Obviously, but i think she'd probably appreciate how hands-on he gets when training his pokemon!

Ok, I get a lot of these messages, and I often hear folks wanting to throw peach into their stories and comics and writings, and I will always simply ask that if it’s published online publicly, to be linked to it so I can snoop and enjoy the content too. If someone asks about her in your work, let them know about the blog I guess? But literally I love that people take this stuff, these characters and stories, and make new stuff with it. No ones making money off my work here? So where’s the issue? Go for it buddy, knock yourself out, I’m all for it.

For you, and all the others out there who want to add peach, and other characters to your world building, I will give you a detailed rundown of the main lot, and how they behave, what they do, how they function. You can use that, use bits, or use none of it, I do not mind at all. If you’re creating something, you’re in control, not me.

So, peach doesn’t actually fight people as much as you’d think. She’s very aware most cannot and do not want to do that, and so she likes to keep to herself with regards to that aspect of her life, she doesn’t ask to spar with people, or even bring it up at all, but people ask her all the time, even if they clearly would lose or become hurt should she miscalculate during the fight. She looks at people like they usually create problems, and often has a somewhat reserved nature to other humans. You have to work quite hard to get anything more than formalities out of her. She will dead-pan handle people with blunt and very to-the-point statements, aid whenever possible, but very quickly get back to handling the Pokemon she so carefully tends. Her focus is clear, she’s all about hard work, her very small select family, and the Pokemon.

Her brutal, loud and brash personality only comes out with friends, family, difficult humans, OR any Pokemon. She will joke and laugh and play with Pokemon, but clam up around humans, maintaining tight body language and generally will be a little cold by regular standards. She does however have some weaknesses in this emotionless shield she puts up. When peach was young she was always angry, which swung so fast to sadness, back and forth. Her teenage years it just got worse and worse, it was crippling at points. She is to this day, full of fire and rage, even sadness, but now she has learnt to control it, to use it. When she sees that in others, it’s familiar, and she is pushed to drop the front, and be very real with the person. Underdogs I suppose, people who get bad reps, but deserve the same as everyone else. She can’t ignore it.

Once you start to pry open her personality, you’ll find she’s a lot more laid back and fun than originally appeared, you just have to work hard to find that side of her. She will meme reference, can’t dance to save her life, loves her coffee, and can be caught in quiet contemplation while gardening. This hobby is her calmest, and often is why she can stay so level headed when her quiet rage boils up again. Without time outside she will become grouchy, a little snippy, and lethargic. Will not go in the ocean for any reason other than life or death, is fine with ponds and rivers, or water at wading height. Likes the rain.

With regards to her training others, they usually have to tolerate her somewhat strict nature. She is a little....unforgiving, holds a grudge if you make a lot of mistakes, and has no tolerance for ignorance in the age of information that we all live in. In previous posts I’ve mentioned she’s only recently selected two students, after many years of testing kids who want to learn from her. Hundred tried out, only two have ever been approved. How she teaches is very fast paced, be prepared to get some scrapes and bruises, she will test your physical and emotional tolerances with intense tasks, carefully watching students like a hawk. Bad posture in your stance? She’ll be the first to tell you to sort it out. Not hearing your Pokemon partner? Right, now you spend the day without using words trying to communicate, let’s see how you like not being listened to.

This is a woman who has spent her life saying very little, and watching everything, she watches Pokemon and can see an issue from a mile off, and in battles, her observations are why she can react fast, and chose effective strategy to avoid damage and achieve results. Don’t let her body fool you, her strongest asset is analysing, watching, planning. Those skills have over the years transferred to people too. As a student, mistakes don’t go unnoticed with this professor.

Her methods are harsh but fair, and should you prove yourself, she will protect you with her life.

Because of her disinterest in kids and lots of noise, she does pass the training of students on to the other staff members whenever possible. Grey takes on the lions share of battle lessons, he is far calmer, more open and friendly, with patience for people, and an empathy that peach sometimes struggles to have. When you go through a lot of harsh training, and difficult events, it’s hard to change how you feel or think, with peach, well, she’s been through it. Most do not come out the other end in one piece, but she did, and it made her strong. You may think I mean strong like buff and big, and yeah sure she is, but I mean it mentally more than anything. Peach will not quit. She has learnt to destroy the boundaries that stop people getting hurt, gone is the fear that freezes you in your tracks, that feeling that you’ll pass out if you go one more step. She’s learnt to ignore it.

This means she’s a little forgetful at how it is to be normal, to be vulnerable and soft and squishy like students so usually are.

She has her issues, but for the most part, visitors get a laugh, a smile, a calm assertive confidence, and facts. She will indulge those who have genuine interest, or show a connection with nature, an understanding of the balance that needs to be struck for everyone to live well together.

Despite her many flaws, she’s fiercely protective, and will go above and beyond to defend the island, it’s staff, the Pokemon and the visitors. Injustice is her biggest gripe, along with littering, and she doesn’t stand by quietly if something happens that seems unfair.

You will not see her without Valka, her vulpix, close by. That Pokemon doesn’t like to be touched by strangers, at all, and will run the second someone comes at her with that intent. Peach will scold you for pushing yourself onto her, should you persistently try to get close to pet Val. They are in sync, if peach is sad, Val is sad, if Val is stressed, peach is stressed, and so on. They are inherently connected, it’s just been that long, the psychic bridge between them has been built, and reinforced over the years.

The only other Pokemon who follows her so endlessly is Booker, a teddiursa who’s pretty rough looking. He quietly trots behind, grouchy and stoic, they fight closely together a lot. He lost his mom a long time ago to poachers, and peach took him in, and changed her whole life for him. Not many people know, but Booker was the reason she left the rangers, changed career, and got so strong. Will tolerate people petting him but isn’t keen at all, grumbles a lot and tries to move away.

You may also need to know about the others, for the sake of writing, she here a few more bits that may be important to you, or others wanting to do this.

Grey is very tall, very burly, composed, tells bad dad jokes, is a bit of a goof if allowed to be. If he sees a pun, he’ll say it. Can’t help himself. Very nice guy to work with, good at keeping people calm and grounded. Pokemon are drawn to him like a moth to a flame, he gives off warm energy, and has inhuman amounts of patience. If you wrong his family however, he will snap back.

He grew up in the city, loves to swim and hike and cycle, can snowboard, is really sporty. A total brain box with held items, and boosting stats. He will explore many paths, to make sure visitors and students get the information they need, in a way that can be remembered and retained for later. Is a huge guy, but will get on the floor to play with a tiny Pokemon. Treats big “meaner” looking species like babies, very good with all pokemon.

His free time is spent either tinkering, swimming, or trimming his bonsai trees. This guy stares at screens a lot, so appreciates time away from them. Peach built him his own little greenhouse for his trees and tools, which he keeps clean and loves dearly.

His methods as a teacher are built around fun and games, he makes hard work easier to do by distracting trainers from the difficult bits, and focusing in on something more interesting or compelling.

His most commonly seen Pokemon would be a houndoom, Saxon, old battle veteran, retired now to herding and being a good boy. Very gentle, loves a pet.

Pari, now a fully fledged nurse, often oversees the labs front desk and pokecentre features, such as healing pokemon, and informing trainers who come to visit. Her skills with eggs and hatchlings is high, she’s great with younger Pokemon, and hands out good advice to trainers a lot. She’s not a fighter, never was, but can find any file, any study, any book, and any refrence you may need. A true bookworm, loves her romance novels, chat shows and upbeat celebrity gossip mags. Will cry at a lot of stuff, be it sad or happy.

She’s got a seriously upbeat personality, but if caught off guard or shocked, she gets a little flustered. Too much chaos will overwhelm her, but usually she’s on top of things. The years spent on the island have made her better at maintaining composure in emergencies. With lots of siblings, she’s very competent with others, and has a good ability to disarm cagey people with her jolly nature. Because of this, she can sometimes gain information from trainers that some of the more harsh professors may not have access to. Charming is a word for it.

Her partners are an eevee, and a happiny. They are quite sweet and well adjusted, the eevee gets a bit bouncy if you get it too excited.

[muuurder]

Finally, someone who doesn’t baby Brahms all the time! I literally got giggly with your headcanons bc I think the same for him as well. A lot of people keep watering down his character as the “man baby who can’t cook, clean himself, or do this or that” and it’s kinda frustrating to see others not understanding his character more when writing about him, especially since there’s evidence he’s capable of a lot of things. I actually find it quite funny when people draw Brahms that way however when it comes to writing him… Anyways, I would love to hear more of your headcanons! It fills my hyperfixation on him (as there’s literally only 1-2 posts each day for Brahms).

Also if you don’t mind, you can skip this part if you want, what do you think about the theory of Brahms parents starting the fire in order to cover up what Brahms did? I’m staying on neutral ground for this but I do think it’s an interesting theory.

It’s funny you mention that theory 👀

So for me personally I don’t exactly think it was to cover it up, but I do think they started it. Personally, I retcon everything that is the boy 2 (though I loved the main character child who was mute. He did amazing but I think it was shit writing and a cop out because the actor who played brahms pulled out and for good reason too.) so without acknowledging the second movie here’s my personal take. I am currently a psych student (and while I am very much not an expert like I can’t stress it enough I’ve got Swiss cheese brain,) and from what little I’ve learned usually children who were at brahms age (8 years old) aren’t exactly capable of processing death. Obviously it varies case to case but on an overall scale, he’s not able to comprehend it. I personally think Emily cripps death was an accident. Maybe they went to play in the woods rough houses and she fell cracking her skull open. Or maybe she was picking at him (cause honestly emily looks older than brahms. Grant it girls tend to grow taller first compared to boys, but overall she looks like she’s 10.) and I personally think brahms has autism and/or bpd (I touched on it In another ask I did you might have to sift through my blog. Sorry it’s a chaotic enigma of everything I love lol.) but I think he might have been forced to hang around her for family ties and potential future relations (arranged marriages etc etc.) this was inspired a bit by a fic I read though I forget the name of it. If I find it I’ll post it. But I think he might not have enjoyed being around her as much as Everyone believed. His father describes him even at a young age as “odd” which to me feels like they had a son late in life and he wasn’t neurotypical. He is less sociable, doesn’t fit into their rich lavish life and fit the perfect image they have. So I think there was already resentment a little? So imagine their reaction if Emily was playing and picking at him, maybe he pushed her and she fell. After all her head was cracked open. If she fell and rolled off the rocks she hit it could look the same. A lot of Emily’s death is rumor and gossip in the town. Imagine brahms nudging her thinking she just fell asleep but she’s not moving. He gets freaked and runs back fussing she won’t wake up and she’s being mean. Alarm bells are going off for his parents. I think they didn’t like their son because they clearly hated it he deviated. They were strict, had a specific image and didn’t make much room for change that was clear as hell in how they treated greta and brahms if I’m honest. And I think it’s fucking weird his parents deadass didn’t tell anyone and participated and hosted a search party for a girl they likely knew was dead. I think they were more worried about how this would look and instead of getting their son help even if it was intentional (though again that’s still on them because they fucked up somewhere in parenting, though again I believe it was purely accidental) and with this new situation coupled with previous resentment over their son not being normal (aka I Headcanon his parents are ableist) they had their son wait somewhere. Locked him in, and didn’t realize he knew the walls because he explored in his free time. And they set it on fire before the police could show up to question the young boy. (Because btw he wouldn’t have been tried as an adult. He’s too young and again can’t even conceptualize death let alone fucking fake it like ???? That was his parents.) and I think they had no fucking clue he was alive until they heard him calling from in the walls now with burns. And even the. They didn’t get him medical attention they stuffed him in the walls and pretended he wasn’t there as he grew. They gave themselves a do over because they felt they fucked up and that’s why their son was how he was. Their love was and has always been fucking conditional. That’s my personal take of a theory.

As far as a Headcanon, I’m reaching a text limit so have this one: he about cried the first time he had a fresh meal out of the walls. Potatoes just aren’t the same after their frozen and he simply can’t go back. He loves hot home cooking (pair that with southern cooking he’s inlove lol)

[clonewarslover55]

Cuddles and soft sex with Old Man Boba(Who’s really only 41)

@peacefulwizardfox​ requested some Old Man Boba cuddles, so I did that and more! 

Notes: This is for everyone who doesn’t hate old man Boba. If you hate his body then get the fuck off my blog :)  Those of you who love his body? Enjoy some fluff and smut 

Also! I am a legends whore so some legends Boba content is in this 

Spoilers for season 2 of the Mandalorian chapter 14 kinda?

Warnings: tooth rotting fluff, grumpy Boba being grumpy Boba, teasing, joking around, smut, soft smut, more fluff, Boba is beefy and it’s sexy 

^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THIGH JIGGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!^^^^^^^

You laid on Boba’s large naked chest, tracing your fingers delicately along the many scars that covered his dark skin. Your long term lover watched you, his dark brown eyes hypnotizing. “You're beautiful, you know that right?” 

Boba huffed a laugh, “I was eaten up by Sarlacc stomach acid for two days…..I’m getting old and-” You covered his beautiful mouth with your hand. “You’re still the most handsome man in the universe to me. And Boba, Cyar’ika, you’re forty one. You’re not old.” Boba rolled his eyes at you being sappy and sweet. He loved the attention though, but he’d never admit it. 

“You’re going to make my teeth rot out one day.” Boba muttered and you shrugged, “You’re just saying that as an excuse because your old ass-” He slapped your bare ass and you yelped. “I’m kidding!” You laughed at his teasing glare and crawled on top of him fully. You kept laughing, Boba didn’t laugh but a small smile pulled at your lips. You knew it was hard for him to hold back a dumb grin and some chuckles. 

Once Boba had hit forty you began making old man jokes here and there. You’re lucky you’re not human leather by now. Boba hated the jokes, but they were pretty funny. 

He wrapped his thick arms around you, pulling you tightly against his chest. You buried your face in his neck, breathing in his wonderful scent. You both smelled of sex and one another, and it was addicting. You two had been in bed all day, since Slave I was on autopilot to your next destination. It was rare having a lazy day with “Mr. Works himself to death.”

Boba was always grumpy, even in bed when you two are cuddling. It’s just his personality, so it was easy to poke at the bear.  You began kissing his neck, which was very very sensitive. Boba grunted and batted at you, clearly half asleep. You narrowed your eyes and kept teasing his neck with your lips and tongue. Boba could only huff and squeeze your ass as a weak defense. 

 You two had been sleeping and having sex all day, so he clearly didn’t mind. His bare cock sure didn’t mind either. Boba opened his eyes when you teasingly grinded your hips down against his, a growl ripping from his throat. You smirked and kissed him deeply, his lips fitting perfectly with yours. His hard cock was pressed against you, but not where Boba wanted it.  

Boba gave you a fake irritated look when you pulled away, a smirk pulling at your lips. You’re lucky Boba was in a good mood, so he was letting you tease. If he wasn’t? You’d be under him and being rutted into like a bitch in heat. 

You dragged your lips, tongue and teeth along his scarred throat. Boba exposed more of his throat, clenching his jaw when your teeth nipped his Adam's apple. Your mouth moved to his collar bones, then to his chest. You felt like worshipping your sexy bounty hunter lover, so you’d do exactly that. 

His beautiful body was scarred and worn from the stressful life of a bounty hunter, Sarlacc acid, and the cruel twin Tatooine suns. It only made him even sexier to you, his scars telling a million stories. With age Boba has gotten thicker, but he kept it mostly muscle. He wasn’t as toned as he used to be, but you didn’t care. There was just more of him to love, to kiss. His stomach and chest have gotten softer, so he was even more comfortable to lay on now. 

Boba laid his head back, enjoying your soft warm lips and tongue tracing his sensitive scars. A growl tore from his thick chest when you gently nipped one of his nipples. They were very sensitive for a man who’s worn a chest plate all of his life. Before you could move to his softening stomach he grabbed you and yanked you back to his face. You made an offended noise as he moved you. 

“Boba I was doing something!! I can’t ever body worship you?” Boba snorted sarcastically, “You just enjoy the taste of my cock.” You got in his face, your nose brushing his, “Perhaps.” You sneered, your lips hardly brushing his.  He smiled, but quickly hid it by yanking you into a passionate kiss. Fuck he loved you and your smart mouth. 

Boba never lost the fire that burned within him, and you could always tell by the heat behind his lips. You nearly screamed in surprise when he flipped you over, pinning you down. “I wanted to be on top.” You huffed like a child, Boba just gave you a bemused look.  

“Then don’t be slow.” He smirked when you glared at him. Boba, of course, got payback when he gently nipped one of your nipples. You moaned, the glare not leaving your face. “Bastard.” He chuckled at your word, his lips connecting with yours once again.

You and boba had been together for a while now, so he knew your body perfectly. He spread your things apart with his calloused hands, letting you know to throw your legs around his thick waist. His hot lips never detached from yours as he settled himself comfortably between your legs. His lips were so blinding that you hardly even noticed the change in position until he grinded his cock against your lips teasingly. 

His taste was so addicting and erotic that you whined when he pulled away so you two could breathe. He smirked and moved his mouth to your neck, making sure to mark you up even more than he did earlier. 

You moaned as his calloused hands began to play with your nipples, hardening them into peaks quickly. He moved his right hand away to trace a thick calloused finger along your slick folds. Boba smirked, “You’re so easy.” He nearly purred, causing you to blush. “You’re just sexy and very good at this.” You whispered, nipping his ear softly. Boba hummed, not disagreeing. 

Boba kissed you again, his tongue wrestling with yours. You moaned into his mouth as he rubbed the head of his cock against your soaked entrance. You gripped his muscular shoulders, your nails ripping open the scratches from earlier. Boba groaned, loving the slight sting. Boba was a little self conscious about his scars, but he loves the ones you give him. 

He buried his face into your neck when he pushed into you, his large cock filling you perfectly. Boba always filled you to the brim, his cock hitting every deep spot inside of you. You cried out his name, gripping his muscular body tightly. The sensation of him caused your walls to grip him tightly, making it hard for Boba to control himself 

“Fuck you’re always so tight.” He growled out the words, his voice gruff from pleasure. You went to snark back a reply about him having a big cock. Instead, Boba shifted his hips slightly and your train of thought derailed. He smirked at your gasping reaction, he knew exactly where your special spots were. He was cocky about it too. 

Boba began at a slow rhythm, taking his sweet time. Your body moved perfectly with his, your cunt squeezing around his shaft like a vice. Boba wasn’t the most vocal man, but you knew how to draw out those sweet erodic noises from him. 

You dragged your nails along his scalp to the back of his neck, the sensitive skin there always fun to tease. Boba shivered, his cock twitching deep inside of you. Boba picked up his pace, his thrusts now deeper. He moaned loudly at your teasing touches, which only made your walls quiver around him. 

The sensation of his lips on your neck, along with one of his hands playing with your nipples was enough to drive you mad alone. You had already cum a few times today, so you were incredibly sensitive. 

Boba panted in your ear, his hot breath causing you to shiver. “That’s it baby.” He moaned the words out, his pace picking up. The small bedroom of Slave I was filled with absurd sounds of skin against skin and of your wet cunt. Boba nipped your ear, his scarred body pressed flush against yours. “That’s my good girl, so close for me.” 

You whined at his heated words, your walls squeezing him even tighter. You knew not to cum before Boba said so, but he made it really hard for you. “Boba!” You dug your nails even deeper into his skin as he thrusted into your hot core faster. 

“Boba please.” You threw your head back, the noises combined with the sensations driving you wild. You knew he loved it when you begged, so you begged. “Boba baby!” You cried, “Please please let me cum!!” Boba’s cock twitched at your words, a loud moan leaving his lips. 

“You’re such a good girl for me.” He gave a few more rough thrusts, his orgasm just as close as yours. “Cum with me.” He snarled out the words, which made you cum hard. His warm seed filled you to the brim as you screamed out his name like a prayer. 

You saw spots when you came, your throat already sore from your screams of pleasure. Boba rode out his orgasm with yours, his hips bucking softly. Once he was finished he pulled out, which made you whine at the loss. 

Boba rolled onto his back, pulling you back onto his chest. You nuzzled your face between his large pectorals, your body feeling like jello. You were half asleep, enjoying Boba’s warmth and body. 

“Cyar’ika.” He muttered, stirring your cock drunk mind. You blinked at him, a chuckle leaving his lips at your glare. “We should probably shower and prepare for-” You cut him off with a tight hug, “mo.” You mumbled, your words muffled by his large chest. 

Boba sighed and stroked your hair, “Come on-” You hugged him tighter and he grunted. “You have to feel gross.” You snorted loudly at him, your face not moving from his chest. Boba sighed and laid his head back. 

“You’re lucky I love you.” He continued to stroke your hair, “Five more minutes and that's it.” You pressed a kiss between his pectorals. Boba rolled his eyes at your muffled, “M...’love you too.” 

After five minutes you were both sound asleep in one another's arms, forgetting completely about the job he had to get done soon. Your cuddles were more important to him though, but he’d never admit that.

Tags: @valkyrieofthehighfae​ @my-awakened-ghost @leias-left-hair-bun @cherry-cokes-world@iamassbuttkingofhell@jedi-mando @royalhandmaidens@simping-for-fives@colorfulloverbatturkey @catsnkooks@hounding-around @blue-space-porgs @peacefulwizardfox@julyzaa @ahsokatano-thetogruta@feathersforclones@chr0nicbackpain  @commanderrivercc-3628 @nelba