#// kink discussion

[theangryman]

One person was banned almost immediately.

The other person was not banned until they made another post revealing that they were posting videos of their partner.

One person was harassed and bullied and told that they were lying.

One person was given advice, told about how they could improve their situation.

This is why kink is not safe. There is more compassion and kindness for someone who admits to wanting to kick their partner in the face than there is for someone who has received that treatment.

[transvarmint]

Just saw a post basically saying forcemasc kink is transmisogynystic because transfems actually experience being forcibly masculinized. However, the very same blog openly posts positively about forcefem kink.

You would not even begin to believe the kind of forced feminization that transmascs, and people who were afab in general, go through. It is violent, and it is often deadly. Many of us are traumatized for life by the having feminity forced on us, often through rape, abuse, beatings, impregnation and so much more.

If one isn't OK, the other isn't either. You cannot act on your moral fucking high horse about one when the other is also a real world phenomenon that leaves literally millions of people, traumatized and often fucking dead.

(We are pro kink for the record, and think both are OK amongst consenting adults. But the point is that you can't condemn one while praising the other. Both kinks are consensual dramatizations of real world phenomenon).

[gasolinerainbowpuddles]

Okay, let's talk about NC/Ra*e Kink

disclaimer: Thoughts are under a cut due to the sensitive nature of the topic.

disclaimer: This is not a post endorsing or condemning the kinks. It is simply a discussion about them.

Some kinks are more niche than others. Some kinks aren't widely accepted. Some kinks are very nuanced and will elicit contradictory or confusing feelings.

When I first came across non-consensual (NC) and rape kink fics, I was a little bit jarred. I couldn't understand why someone would want to write it or how someone could enjoy reading it. To me it was very triggering and upsetting, so I didn't interact with "dark fic" like that.

Still, I had a genuine curiosity as to why people were attracted to the kink even if I didn't enjoy it myself. Sexuality is a very broad spectrum, and I try to be open minded if not for just gaining the understanding of a different point of view.

I wanted to ask questions to readers and writers of the kink, but it's such an inflammatory subject in fandom that I couldn't figure out how to do it without it coming across like I was being rude or condemning. Eventually I was able to talk directly to people about it who knew I wasn't coming from a place of judgment. This was on top of looking into things on my own (like reading articles, think pieces, historical/social takes on it, etc.).

Here's a quick list of what I learned:

SURVIVORS: WRITERS — Many of the writers of the kink had been subjected to sexual violence. When you're writing, you can dictate the characters, the dialogue, the plot points, etc. You are in control of what happens. For some survivors, it is a therapeutic exercise in "rewriting" an experience where they had zero control into an experience where they control every facet of what happens.

SURVIVORS: READERS — Readers of the kink have the buffer of a fictional exploration of it and can choose to exit out of a story if they no longer enjoy it or it becomes too much for them, which was not an option in their actual lived trauma. There is also the distance between themselves and the story, which creates a safety buffer where they can engage with the sensitive topic in an indirect way if they so choose.

SEXUAL AUTONOMY — If you pick up any given romance novel, there's a decent chance the kidnapping trope is in there. This roughly entails some physically bigger/stronger man whisking a woman away against her will and then forcing her into a sexual situation where she ends up enjoying it despite it not being consensual. There might even be bits of "this isn't supposed to feel good" and "why do I feel like I'm enjoying this?" sprinkled into it. This trope is in large part due to the limited sexual freedom of women in the past (and present, but notably in the past). Because the woman wasn't initiating or even agreeing to the sexual act, she is relieved of the responsibility of said act. She didn't ask or choose for it to happen, so she does not have ownership of the sexual act. (I know this isn't reality because unfortunately many women are burdened with the "responsibility" for their assault, but please keep in mind I'm speaking on the fantasy/fantasizing aspect of this.) Because of historical and social expectations of chastity in women, one of the few ways that it was even "acceptable" to explore sexual acts was through means of coercion. The fantasy that you don't have to endure the societal repercussions of your sexual act because you didn't initiate it or execute it is sometimes the only way that women knew or felt comfortable in accepting a sexual experience.

SEXUAL DOMINATION — For some people, the idea of being completely sexually dominated and controlled is their biggest fantasy. There's a thrill to not knowing what will happen or when it will happen or how it will happen. Having zero control is akin to being able to turn their brain off and just exist and feel. This bleeds into consensual non-consent (CNC) kink and domination/submission kink as well with NC kink being the more "extreme end" of the spectrum imo.

These points do not exist in a vacuum, and it is not a comprehensive list of factors. Again, this is not an endorsement or a rejection of the kink. I am simply sharing my thoughts on what I have learned over time in the hopes that it can clarify things for others who maybe were curious like me but weren't sure how to learn or where to start.

[implied-divinity]

ur right man ill just make this its own post

[moirindeclermont]

Daily thread about BridgertonS3, we are so close and yet it seems so far away... And so it seems ok to talk about Polin and kink since they're edging us (I'm not complaining, I'm into it).

Necessary disclaimer: if kink is not your thing, that's okay. This is just my personal reflection. This is also an adult only post.

So, Pen is Miss hyperindipedence, and Colin is Mister people pleaser. She wants to control everything and do stuff on her own, He wants to worship the ground she walks but sometimes he needs to take control as well.

Ergo, being them the superior ship they are, they can't be anything other than switch 🤝 switch. It's not a 50/50 thing.

Sometimes she wants to feel in control, but she loves that often she can let go and not have to think or decide because she knows Colin will take care of it.

Other times Colin wants to praise his goddess and that's his ultimate goal, damn his pleasure.

Both have a praise kink and I will die on this hill. Colin maybe more, but you can't tell me Pen didn't melt on the spot the first time Colin said "good girl".

I feel like there is an exhibitionist/voyeuristic element to their dynamic, if the mirror scene is an indication.

Some impact play, I'm sure of it, especially after the reveal of LW.

Also, edging. A lot of edging. As they should. Maybe in a role play session.

Or simply just Colin bring her closer and closer and then go back and forth while adoring her. Silk ropes may being involved, just to keep her still. No gag, he loves listen to her.

Maybe some experiment with dildos, because Colin would love to be pegged (as he should) and I'm sure Pen would be very curious to try DP or some stuff like that.

On the baseline, there is an amount of trust that allows them to explore their pleasure. They can laugh when things go sideways (sex is messy, sometimes things go sideways) and they are confortable with each other. Confortable enough to say when you don't like something.

And sometimes it's completely vanilla and that's fine too. But sometimes they like to g wild and explore their deepest desire together.

Remember kids. When it comes to kink, Safe, sane and consensual. Always!

[holysaintscathedral]

Begging and pleading with people to stop infantilizing women in kink and BDSM. I don't know how to explain to you people that women aren't fragile, innocent darlings who need the anti-kink, sex negative crowd to be our knights in shining armour. Some of us engage in the stuff because we genuinely enjoy it, not because we were "brainwashed by porn" into liking it.

[theangryman]

Remember, the most important thing when seeking help for your sexual assault is that people can’t *like* the way you were sexually assaulted.

[gravid-transluna]

I love birthing noises. When the baby drops real low, and you can’t control your breathing anymore. Can’t even speak. You’re just diminished to grunts, moaning and groaning as you bear down uncontrollably.

You don’t care if people hear you anymore. The only thought in your mind is the need to give birth.

[punkeropercyjackson]

'Kink critical' does not 'anti transgender'.In the same vein that hating men as a social class dosen't make you a transmascphobe,wanting for kinks to be a nuanced topic with their history in mind does not mean anti kink entierly.This is why it's kink critical,not 'anti kink'.The reason for my approach to kink is that as a black woman who while transmasc and multigender is almost entierly femme presenting,hard kinks are not a moral neutrality for me nor were they for my ancentors due to universality and eternity of antiblackness and misogynoir.I'm kink critical because i support kink but am an intersectionalist about it instead of a sanatizing extremist and colonizer asskisser.There we go

[yesmissnyx]

Hi, I hope it's okay to DM. I'm looking for advice while getting into the kink lifestyle/self-realization.

I'm struggling to deal with internalized shame. It's the same old struggle, I'm guessing.

Figured out I'm bi and very, very kinky late last year, kind of all at once. Suddenly liking guys as well was easier to deal with. Realizing I'm into BDSM, hypno, crossdressing, and most of the kinks on your pinned list was... hard.

Some days, I can fully feel okay, and others I feel smothered in shame and depression, like I'm not supposed to want these things. I feel like I'm intruding into a space that I don't have the right to be in.

My question is, how do you recommend new kinksters/subs/etc deal with the question and internalized shame. Or specifically feeling positive about their kinks and the changes that happen as you realize them.

Sorry for a bit of a rant, and thanks in advance if you're willing to give me some advice.

Hey there! Sorry for the SUPER late advice! I hope you're feeling better in the meantime, but if not, I can do my best to offer you 1. some advice and 2. some words of encouragement.

First of all, HELL YEAH. Welcome to the Bisexual Kinkster Club--a club you now belong to because you are kinky and bisexual! Kink rocks! Being bisexual rocks! I am giving you a welcome basket myself.

(The lube tastes like strawberries.)

That being said though, I'm so sorry you're dealing with internalized shame around all of this :( Shame is a very personal thing and can be tricky to deal with, ESPECIALLY when parts of society are telling you the thing you like is wrong, just because they find it disgusting.

But...first of all, disgust-based morality ain't it, chief. It's a one-way ticket to being a miserable, hateful person with Main Character Syndrome and an easy target for fascism. Don't give into it! Don't listen to people who value their own disgust above the needs and happiness of others!

As long as what you are doing is not infringing on the personal rights of others, you deserve to do the things that make you happy. Full fucking stop. (And, newsflash, doing something that just happens to disgust someone is NOT infringing on their personal rights.)

Now, this might be controversial, but I'm going to let you in on a big realization that I had some time in my early 20s: shame is, in my humble opinion, a useless emotion to feel for any duration of time.

It makes you do things you don't want to do. It keeps you from doing things you DO want to do. It lies to you. It eats you alive.

More importantly, though, it's JUST an emotion, and like all emotions, its only job is to try to tell you something. Feeling emotions doesn't make you a good OR a bad person!

Of course, I'm not just telling you "lol just stop feeling things" because that's, like...not possible or healthy. BUT! You are not obligated to feel any emotion that you don't want to feel.

You might, however, want to interrogate the shame, because even if you aren't going to listen to its wishes (right???), it's worth understanding what it's trying to tell you.

So! What is the shame afraid of? What does it want to protect you from? What does it want you to do? Is what it wants you to do in line with your own goals and desires?

If you aren't in alignment with your shame, which I assume you aren't, then you can tell it that.

"I appreciate that you're trying to keep me safe, but I have no reason to be ashamed of the things I like, and I'm not going to let you stop me from enjoying them."

This might sound silly, but once you can speak frankly with your difficult emotions, it gets WAY easier to work through them. Viewing them as parts of yourself that just want to keep you safe is way easier than just dealing with nebulous shame, anger, anxiety, etc.!

And then, there's also the chance that it might be telling you something useful, once you start asking questions.

For example, if the shame is afraid that your friends might judge you, maybe you need to rethink how you navigate your friendships. If it's worried you might be going about a kink all wrong and you'll make a fool of yourself, do some research. If you're overwhelmed by the intensity of a new kink, explore it at your own pace and listen to your feelings about it with curiosity instead of judgment.

Remember: Action TOWARD a goal (in this case, pleasure and fulfillment) is always preferable to an action that AVOIDS negative feelings.

Enthusiasm and self-love are a better motivator than fear and shame. You deserve to be the best, happiest, more joyful version of yourself, and if that includes being a kinky crossdressing hypnotized bisexual, then so be it :)

Hopefully this all makes sense! And hopefully this helps you and others who might be in a similar boat.

Good luck on your journey and happy pride 🌈🏳‍🌈

(Also, please know that I'm always open to give advice. Ask me things. Let me live my know-it-all dreams 😜)

[femboyhuntergatherer]

Ftm/transmasc nsfw spaces on reddit are so annoying, WHY are pregnancy and breeding automatically considered as being part of a detrans kink ? Hello are you hearing yourself thats so stupid?? I'm a boy who can get pregnant I'm allowed to sexualize that if I want to without it being some sort of transphobia, dysphoria kink? Not to mention detrans kink makes me so fucking uncomfortable whenever I see it. Literally it's so weird that detrans kinks are more accepted in these spaces than breeding/pregnancy LOL whatever

[pizzaback]

people seeing perma TF / former human TF kink stuff and identifying it as a form of horror are like almost getting it, yknow? sexuality is just horrific, the venn diagram of horror/sex/comedy is almost a circle. maybe thats just my mental illness speaking though. im not into perma TF the permanacy scares me in a not sexy way but the permanacy of intimacy is also really fucking scary so i get it

[pet-shop-of-horror-fan]

At this point, I think that most people who primarily use Tumblr for kink do so because they would be run out of any half-moderated kink site.

Almost none of them mark their posts properly and many of them don't behave right. The same goes for why they are not on fiction sites that allow NSFW/kink. They would not survive anywhere without the poorest of moderation.

And if any Tumblr users tell them to use proper tags, not cross-tag, and to mark their posts as NSFW, then it's kink-shaming cop TERF tankie purity culture.

[tboychewtoy]

um. thinking back to where some of my kinks might have come from and as embarrassing it is to admit I can say with 100% certainty that the implications of this scene in ISWM definitely contributed to me developing a puppy play kink.

[fancifulpurposelesslovely]

hello!! I have newly joined the summer sons fandom and if you are in the mood to do some character extrapolation, I’m so curious to know how/if you see Sam and Andrew’s ~dynamic~ progressing post-canon? I read your exchange about the canonical power dynamics between them with another user and I found both of your viewpoints fascinating and insightful so like if it would be fun for you I’d love to hear more! Do you think they ever explicitly acknowledge it between each other? Who do you think brings it up if so? I feel like Andrew would have some complicated shame-adjacent feelings to work through based on what he internalized from Eddie as “appropriate masculinity” if anyone like made him explicitly acknowledge how much he gets out of and enjoys casual submission, but I can’t get a handle on how Sam would think about it? I also feel like Andrew would rather die than bring it up at least in terms of where he is at with his communication skills immediately post-canon. Idk! If it would be interesting for you to think it talk about I would love to hear your thoughts!!

Pretty much one of my favorite topics in general, anon! Just wanted to wait until I had time to sit down at a real keyboard for this.

So I've definitely tried to think about how their relationship and any dynamic might evolve post-canon, and I've got a very quick post on the subject:

And this is largely still my main opinion. I think they're very intelligent and wild and very specifically sheltered in a way that Riley had to break out of for his own sanity a lot earlier than Sam or Andrew did. So Riley would either buy a couple of books online or get some from a library or something, leave them in a bag on Andrew's bed with a note, and hope they never had to speak about Andrew's relationship with Riley's cousin ever again. He might also beg Ethan to jump in and be another source of information on the gays and the intricacies of kink stuff. Not because Ethan is necessarily an expert or involved himself, I think he would just find it interesting and wouldn't have the personal squick about Sam.

(For the record, I think Riley would grab The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy and Paradigms of Power and Negotiating Your Power Dynamic Relationship by Raven Kaldera to start. Or at least, those authors are where I tend to start.)

I do think the almost breaking each other and the general fucking up will be an important part of it all because these boys are not naturally drawn to lengthy verbal communication about their wants, desires, and issues. A lot of it would be done by feel, by vibe, by following body language. Assumptions, wrestling that starts playful and gets to be more, setting up mutual unspoken expectations for each other, then getting pissed/hurt when the other person didn't live up to them 100% of the time because they didn't really know they were supposed to. Sam being slightly too critical of Andrew on a day where Sam is tired and overwhelmed and Andrew is a little fragile, not realizing Andrew would hold onto that for days because Sam "didn't think his opinion mattered that much." (no no that's not personal experience talking, ofc not). Andrew getting in the habit of grabbing Sam refills or new drinks or being the runner for different party chores, then one night just not having the energy or not feeling appreciated and just refusing to do it. Sam and Andrew both not understanding why Sam got so annoyed about it and why their relationship cools down for a couple of days. Little shit like this that's fairly visible from the outside if either of them has a tendency to bitch about it or if you share a living room with them on a regular basis.

I think they do eventually talk about it (this might not be in character for canon and I may have just decided because I want them to, but I'm sticking with it.) I think Andrew would probably read a couple of chapters of the books Riley gave him, panic about it, ignore them for weeks, try again, repeat cycle. I agree that he would have a lot of hang-ups around masculinity and being "like that", but I also think he'd recognize himself and recognize parts of his relationship with Eddie. He'd eventually see that what he and Eddie had been together had been really unhealthy, and maybe it could have been something better and stronger and real, if either of them had ever figured out how to talk about it.

Eventually though, stuff would resonate enough that he'd feel the need to talk to Sam, or he'd be weird about stuff for weeks and Sam would tell him to spill or get over it. So Andrew would bring the books over and try to talk about what Riley had pointed out or what parts of the books were speaking to him, and they'd alternate Andrew being stubborn and recalcitrant and blushy/interested, and Sam would probably laugh it off at first but when that clearly hurt Andrew's feelings, he'd try to hear him out. Sam would chase the blushes and the interest, but he'd probably have complicated feelings about being explicitly asked to lead Andrew in this way. On the one hand I think it would feel like another responsibility that he's being asked to shoulder, but on the other I think he could come to recognize that this is the kind of relationship he wants and that he's wanted to build before without having the words for it. And I think he would recognize what it does for Andrew and what Andrew' submission could mean for him (Sam). Picking up one responsibility in exchange for being able to put down others. Feeling cared for and appreciated even as he cares for Andrew.

I think after talking about it they'd still fuck up sometimes. I think they'd still feel weird about drawn out explicit negotiations and there would be a lot of joking and a little arguing and maybe substances to get through some of those vulnerable conversations. It would take time and patience.

One of my fics gives a pretty explicit example of how I think kink/power would play into their relationship later (be warned, it's entirely a piss kink fic, we blame mark.) Another fic plays a little bit more with the abstract and the subtle undertones.

Did this answer the question? I went all over the place with it. Thanks for giving me reasons to think about it again!!!

[theangryman]

Why do kink spaces forbid discussions of abuse in kink?

There seems to be an inability to distinguish “I was abused in kink” from “all kink are abusive.” BDSM spaces are so HOSTILE to victims of assault.

Why? Considering that there are tons of “bad doms” out there, why isn’t it acceptable to have discussions of sexual assault? Why are there no resources for people coping with abusive kink relationships? Why do online and IRL communities ostracize victims?

If SSC, or RACK, or PRICK matter, where is the “informed” consent if victims are never allowed to speak?