#// its the denial. the repression. i go insane over her

[kexing]

Venji has always been endgame: Benji’s attraction to Victor

the first thing I really need people to understand is that Benji is not watching the show, he’s not seeing things through Victor’s point of view, and for the most part of the season he has no idea Victor is struggling with his sexuality. from Benji’s point of view, Victor is straight and into Mia. that’s how I’m going to be analyzing his thoughts and actions (well, guessing mostly because he does lack screen time and insight moments. hopefully we’ll get more of him in season two!!)

btw I’m gonna break it down episode by episode because I’m insane (and I also feel strangely connected to Benji so don’t @ me)

Episode 1 - Welcome to Creekwood

as I’ve mentioned before, you can interpret Benji’s “nice shoes!” line as interest. but even if you’re not willing to do that, I still think it’s valid to consider that he might’ve felt some kind of immediate connection to Victor (if episodes 2 and 3 are any indication of that. and the Call Me Maybe lyrics).

Episode 2 - Stoplight Party

the “Benji attempts to teach Victor how to make a espresso” scene is very much about Victor’s attraction to Benji so I don’t wanna look too much into it. also Benji comes off as (at least for me!) a very attentive and loving person, so his dedication to teaching Victor felt very genuine. but still like...... he did get lost in Victor’s eyes for a moment before the milk spilled akdjksdjjs

then at the end of the episode Benji calls Victor late at night (he even apologizes for that) when he could’ve called Victor at any other time or could’ve just told him at school. and well, (I may be reaching here but headcanons are always good!!) I like to believe Benji couldn’t stop thinking about Victor, which is why he decided to call. for some unknown reason he already feels connected to Victor and wanted to hear his voice and—

let me stop here before I write a whole fanfic because that’s not the purpose of this post.

Episode 3 - Battle of the Bands

oh boy, I’m gonna try to unpack this episode, hopefully I’ll make some sense. I’m very sorry if I fail!

so, Victor and Benji have the Call Me Maybe (cutest) moment, in which Victor tells Benji that he’s going on a date with Mia the next day.

Now. I need you to remember that Victor explicitly told Benji that he and Mia wouldn’t go to the Battle of the Bands and that Benji had already performed when Victor got there and only performed again because his band won the battle (so I’m pretty sure Victor wasn’t supposed to hear the Call Me Maybe cover). therefore this wasn’t Benji confessing his feelings to Victor. if anything, I believe it was his way of dealing with the intense and ever-growing feelings that he has for Victor through his biggest passion (music), pretty much like making a reference to something that you know no one else will understand (since for everyone else it’s just a Carly Rae Jepsen bop).

but then Victor eventually shows up and hears Benji singing Call Me Maybe and for him it’s definitely not just a Carly Rae Jepsen bop anymore. it’s their song

after the performance, it looks like Benji is going to talk to him about it, maybe to try and make it seem like it’s no big deal (since he thinks Victor is into Mia, and he himself is in a long term relationship) but Derek appears and we’re all left heartbroken (Simon & his friends included).

what I’m trying to say is: they are two halves of the same idiot. while Victor is in denial of his sexuality and attraction to Benji, Benji is in denial of his growing feelings for Victor. we love this denial duo

Episode 4 - The Truth Hurts

not much to say about this one BUT. at the beginning of the episode you can see how Victor and Benji are working totally in sync, to the point where they barely need words like the freaking soulmates that they are. honestly, I’m done pretending they aren’t soulmates because this show just kept shoving that into our faces over and over and if you failed to see it then it’s not my problem (or maybe it is since I’m literally spending my time trying to explain exactly that. but I just care too much about these two and I want people to understand why).

then Derek calls and Benji picks up lovingly because he’s a loving person and a caring boyfriend and even though he might be struggling with his feelings for Victor, he’s not about to neglect his boyfriend (shame we can’t say the same thing about Derek) (no I will not stop throwing shade at him).

Episode 5 - Sweet Sixteen

I could try and say several things about this one but for real, BENJI DREW VICTOR AND GAVE HIM THE DRAWING AS A BIRTHDAY GIFT. like! this stupidly artistic boy!!!!!!!!! this stupidly caring boy!!!!!!!!! he could’ve bought Victor literally anything or not even bothered to think of a gift At All, but he took the time to DRAW VICTOR LIKE ONE OF HIS FRENCH BOYS!!!!! what am I supposed to do with this knowledge!!!!

now I’m imagining Benji observing Victor. the way the light hits his face, how his shoulders move, the shape of his hands....... all the while telling himself it’s just to draw Victor!!!!! but that’s still beautiful and frankly thirsty nonetheless.

p.s I was robbed of a scene like that.

Episode 6 - Creekwood Nights

not much to say about this one except the show blatantly telling us that Derek can be real shitty sometimes. also, I wanna talk about Venji’s dynamics throughout the show so bad but it deserves a post of its own so I’m gonna hold my tongue.

Episode 7 - What Happens In Willacoochee

(stays in Willacoochee or maybe it will haunt your gay ass all the way to New York).

oh boy, this is where shit starts going down for real.

so Victor kisses Benji. I’m not going to defend Victor because what he did was reckless and dumb and frankly disrespectful. but I need to say that it was going to happen sooner or later because when you repress something too hard and for too long, it’s bound to come back with full force and explode in your face. I really wish it was in a different circumstance, of course, but also life isn’t always made of perfect situations and shit happens. (and nope, that does not excuse Victor’s actions).

now think about Benji. he’s been struggling with his feelings for Victor, who as far as he knows is straight and in a relationship, and then suddenly Victor kisses him. my best guess (due to his reaction to Victor’s speech in episode 10) is that he thinks Victor isn’t being serious about it, that in no moment that kiss meant anything but curiosity and recklessness, when they both have people to lose (again, he doesn’t know that Victor struggles with his sexuality, much less that Victor has feelings for him).

so yeah, I believe Benji was upset, not only with Victor though, but with himself.

(I’ll come back to this in a second)

no Benji in episode 8 so.......

Episode 9 - Who The Hell Is B

Benji decides to leave the coffee shop. Victor tells him that the kiss wasn’t his fault and Benji says that being around Victor makes him feel guilty, now why is that?

firstly because he’s not a psychopath and the fact that he cheated on Derek makes him feel guilty. but I do believe that that’s not the only thing that makes him feel guilty. deep down he liked kissing Victor. he likes Victor, he’s been doing his best to keep that buried but Victor had to go and complicate things, so now the only way to avoid making a bigger mess is staying as far away as possible from each other. so he runs back to the safety of his relationship with Derek.

(listen, I know the show makes it seem like Benji is super angry and wants nothing to do with Victor but I don’t believe that’s the case. he’s upset and feeling guilty for liking someone else, denial does make you act very hostile sometimes).

Episode 10 - Spring Fling

Benji’s denial continues but (thankfully) it won’t last much longer.

he goes to the bathroom and tells Victor that he’s read his letter and that he does forgive him for kissing him but that that doesn’t change anything, that it’s best for them to stay away from each other.

that’s until he hears Victor’s speech to Derek (which was more to Benji than Derek so). that’s the moment he realizes that Victor actually likes him, that the kiss as cursed as it was had meant something, that they both feel exactly the same thing. that’s what gives him courage to finally accept that he can’t be with Derek anymore because his heart belongs to someone else. (has belonged to Victor from the moment they met) akdjskdjsj someone please tell me to shut up

which leads us to the bench kiss(es) scene. now, these boys are a whole mess because Victor was still technically dating Mia (he did try to come out to her before, couldn’t do it so he decided to come out after the Spring Fling) (good intention, poor execution).

But I also believe this was just lazy writing and they wanted to have a scene where Mia catches Victor and Benji together. it could’ve been done better, they could’ve been just touching foreheads or something but they wanted the full drama so the kiss(es) happened. I’m taking 50 points away from the writers for this. (also does not excuse Victor or Benji since they literally met halfway. these idiots are so in love wtf!)

(I still love them though, and hope they do better in the future, for themselves and for each other).

anyway, I think that’s it! if you read up until this point: thank you so much!!!! I tried my best to understand and explain Benji since the show said fuck Benji stans. hope this helps!

— love, MJ

[elyvorg]

Celeste Chapter 9: When Your Self Returns The Favour

Celeste already had a solid, self-contained story that reaches a wonderfully satisfying conclusion. When I heard that a bonus chapter was on its way, I wasn't really expecting it to have much story to it, because I didn't really think there was any significantly more story that needed to be told here. It was probably a little naive of me to think that, really. Regardless of how lovely the original ending was, of course Madeline's mental illness was never gone, and so it is indeed quite possible to show her facing a new, different struggle, since life can always throw you curveballs to make things worse again.

The thing is, it would have been so easy to write this chapter such that it simply rehashed the exact same kind of conflict the main story had between Madeline and her Shadow (that's what I'll be calling Part of Her in this post, just like I did in my other one, which I recommend you read first if you haven't already). But what's really great about chapter 9 is that that's not what happens at all. What we get instead is a story which serves rather beautifully as something of a mirror image of before, while also illustrating exactly why the conclusion that was reached last time and the message of that story was so, so important.

Spoilery levels of detail incoming, obviously, for both chapter 9 and the main story. If you haven't played Celeste already, you still very much should (but maybe only watch chapter 9 unless you're insanely good at platformers).

On its surface, chapter 9 is a story about dealing with grief. And that alone is great enough, although I'm not really the one to talk about why that particular aspect of it is so good, both because I can't personally relate to this kind of struggle, and because things being a dream mean it gets quite symbolic and I'm not super well-versed in interpreting that kind of symbolism. (I'd be really interested to see other people's thoughts on that aspect, though, if any exist!) But what I love most about the chapter and am going to talk about at length here is how the grief presents a new challenge for Madeline to overcome that serves as a basis for even more of the really delightful character writing of Madeline and her Shadow that Celeste is so good at. It explores the concept of Shadows - the part of you that you repress from the surface, which is what Part of Madeline is and why I'm calling her that - in ways that I'd never really considered before, even though I love this concept enough to have thought about it a lot outside of a Celeste context as well.

Madeline's regression

So, Madeline had grown very close to Granny in the intervening years, such that when Granny passed away, Madeline completely couldn't handle it and fell apart to the point that her depression and anxiety, which she'd started to have somewhat under control, got the better of her again. The chapter itself begins when at some point, things get so bad that Madeline goes and has an elaborate, deeply psychological dream born of her desperation to convince herself that Granny isn't truly gone somehow. Granny simply being alive again would be too obviously impossible for her to be able to fool herself with, though, so instead her mind comes up with the vaguely more plausible idea that the bird was Part of Granny (who knows? Maybe it actually was! But that doesn't really matter here because this is just in Madeline's head), and that if Part of Granny is still around then maybe Granny can somehow be brought back. Her justifications change all the time throughout the dream as to what exactly she is planning to do by chasing after the bird - bring Granny back, set Granny free, save Granny. At one point her Shadow tries to ask her what her endgame is, because she very clearly doesn't actually have one. She's just being driven by a desperate desire to not give up on Granny, somehow, however that can be achieved, because in the end all Madeline wants is to not wake up back to a world with no Granny in it.

It also appears that Madeline's grief has caused her to regress somewhat in the way she's thinking of her Shadow. Last time on the Mountain, Madeline thought of her Shadow as bad and monstrous and the source of all her problems that she'd be fine if she could just get rid of. By the end she'd learned that was wrong, that her Shadow was an unremovable part of her whom she needed to accept and work with and be kind to, because after all, she's still her. Presumably she spent most of the intervening years doing just that, as you'd expect after she'd learned how important that was. But here we can see Madeline slipping back into old habits from before the Mountain: "I'm done letting her hold me back", when her Shadow shouldn't have been holding her back for a while now; "Just shut up and help me for once", when she understood in the end that her Shadow has always been trying to help her; that one bit in the tutorial, which was all from Madeline's thoughts since this is a dream, saying "And Part of You won't help (she's the worst)", when no, she isn't, you should know this, Madeline.

The reason Madeline's started doing this again seems to be about her fervently disagreeing with the way her Shadow has been trying to get them to deal with Granny's death. Based on the conversations they have about it, it seems Shadow Madeline has been trying to run away from their pain by pushing them to just get over it and move on so that they'll stop hurting. (Which is to say, even outside of the dream in which she can actually talk to her Shadow, Madeline knows there's a part of her beneath the surface that's been secretly wanting that.) It's not the healthiest approach to try and act like Granny's death doesn't hurt when it still does, but at least there is an actual reachable end goal here of having moved on. This is Shadow Madeline trying to do her job as Madeline's defence mechanism and keep her functioning!

But Madeline can't stand the fact that a part of her wants to be okay with the fact that Granny's gone, so instead she lashes out at her Shadow again while trying to run away from her pain in the complete opposite direction, by running away from the very idea of Granny being truly gone in the first place. This is considerably more unhealthy than Shadow Madeline's approach, because doing so is straight-up not possible. Every reminder that Granny really is gone and there's nothing Madeline can do about it (symbolised, I assume, by the bird flying away from her and not wanting her to catch it) is just going to bring her pain back up to the surface and make things even worse as she tries harder and harder to deny it (she totally can catch that bird anyway, just you watch her give herself a tutorial on exactly how to do so). Partway through the chapter, the environment around her begins to distort and crumble, which I imagine is a representation of the damaging levels to which Madeline is trying to force herself to keep denying reality even as it becomes more and more obvious that she simply can’t change Granny's fate. Shadow Madeline's approach may not have been completely ideal, but Madeline's approach is far more decidedly not the right way to deal with this and is just making everything considerably worse.

Shadow Madeline's growth

So I know that in my previous Celeste post I linked at the beginning, I made a big point of how your Shadow is the weaker part of you. But chapter 9 made me realise something I’d never really thought about before: that that's not necessarily true! "The weaker part of you" is not inherently the definition of a Shadow; a Shadow simply the part of you that you suppress from the surface. That usually constitutes the weaker part of someone, since most people are usually trying to be strong on the surface, doing their best to overcome their problems and get through things in spite of the part of them that feels like they just can't. But that doesn't always have to be the case. In this chapter, Madeline is consciously thinking and acting in a way that is ultimately her being unable to deal with this and trying to take the easy way out. On the surface, she's being weak. But beneath that, her inner strength is still there - which is to say, in this context, her Shadow is still able to be strong. Not perfectly strong, because she was still pushing a bit too much to just move on while ignoring how much it hurts, but she is being stronger than Madeline by trying to move on in the first place.

And it's only thanks to the more positive outlook and behaviour that her Shadow has developed, because of the kindness with which Madeline learned to treat her on the Mountain, that she can be this way now. Madeline may have regressed somewhat in the progress she made on the Mountain, but Shadow Madeline very much has not. It is so lovely to see how much she's still holding onto what she learned back then. She's a lot more willingly open about how scared and unnerved she is by where Madeline is going with this, because she knows that it's okay to be scared and that voicing that won't make Madeline ashamed of her or try to push her away any more. There's no more need for her to cover that up by being biting and cruel about Madeline's recklessness. It's not quite that Shadow Madeline has completely stopped with the negative self-talk that she used to be an embodiment of; right at the beginning, there's some brief hints of that - "you didn't even go to the funeral"; "sorry won't bring her back", representing the ways Madeline has been harsh on herself for falling apart. But very quickly, Shadow Madeline seems to remember that that isn't helpful and quits with it for the rest of the chapter.

Quite possibly this is because Madeline immediately leaps into her reckless crusade of denial, and Shadow Madeline realises that she needs to help her. Last time, on the Mountain, she was still on some level trying to do her job as Madeline's defence mechanism and keep her safe, but Madeline's lifetime of pushing her away and ignoring her made Shadow Madeline convinced that simply talking to her about it would never work, and so she needed to resort to force. This only made things worse, because Madeline is so stubborn that she'd only ever respond to that by pushing back even harder in the opposite direction and exacerbating the clash between them even more. But this time, Shadow Madeline knows that, so on no level is she ever trying to force Madeline to stop. She says it herself: "I'm not forcing you. I'm asking you." Madeline's spent long enough in the intervening years making an effort to listen to her Shadow's thoughts and not shut her away, and so Shadow Madeline is now completely able to trust that Madeline will eventually listen to her now as well. All she needs to do is be patient and keep gently trying to persuade her. There's one point during their second conversation where she seems to be about to get angry and forceful like she did so often last time, but then she catches herself, breathes, and continues more calmly, because she knows that anger won't make Madeline listen to her.

On the Mountain, trying to persuade Madeline to stop was not necessarily the right thing to do. Climbing the Mountain was reckless and dangerous, but it was actually possible and Madeline did have a fairly healthy reason to want it, to prove to herself that she could achieve great things and get emotionally stronger. On the other hand, running away from a loved one's death by convincing herself she can bring them back somehow if she just tries hard enough is not healthy and not possible and she does need to be stopped from doing this. Last time, Shadow Madeline was trying to stop Madeline partly out of genuinely wanting to protect her, but also a lot out of her own hidden fear of being left behind if Madeline made it. She was mostly just telling herself she was the pragmatic part of Madeline to cover up the fact that she felt scared and useless and Madeline probably didn't need her after all. However, this time, she's trying to get Madeline to stop this for no reason other than to help her, and she's going about it in a diplomatic, non-aggressive way that she knows will eventually work. Shadow Madeline really is being the pragmatic part of her now!

One might think that, while she's waiting for Madeline to stop being stubborn and face reality, it would also be pragmatic for Shadow Madeline to keep helping her through the platforming anyway just to try and keep her safe. And I feel like she would probably want to do that, hypothetically; the second time she disappears, it's not without a "Good luck", like she's hoping that Madeline will be okay and would be offering more than well-wishes if she could. But as she says just before disappearing the first time: "I can't help you with this". Not that she won't, but that she can't, as if she's literally incapable of it, which I think really could be the case. Madeline's irrational desire to keep going with this is something that she's only clinging to on the surface - meaning that her Shadow, the repressed part of her, is not the part of her that wants to do this at all. Since this is a dream and therefore all very abstract and psychological, the part of Madeline that isn't in denial over Granny's death literally cannot help her along the abstract representation of her surface denial. Both times Shadow Madeline leaves, Madeline is barely forcing her to and it really seems more like it's the Shadow's own choice to do so. Yet it's not that she's actively trying to be unhelpful at all; she just knows that she can't do anything else in this situation.

Saving her self

But... this is all just a dream, right? Madeline's not actually in any danger from all the insane platforming, so what would her Shadow really be keeping her safe from here, anyway? At one point, Shadow Madeline mentions that she's worried about Madeline getting "lost" up here, but at that point, she's definitely aware that this is a dream because she says as much a few lines later in the same conversation - so what does getting "lost" even mean in this context, and why is Shadow Madeline so worried about it?

...Consider Theo at the end, who completely understood that Madeline's anxiety and depression had probably got so bad that she wasn't in the mood to talk to him and was totally cool about that - but he at least wanted to know she was alive. As if he'd have a reason to worry she might not be when he knew her mental illness would be giving her a hard time. And, much more tellingly, remember the part just after Madeline catches the bird the second time and it's trying to fly away again. She tells herself once more that it's totally Part of Granny and then says, "If you have to go, then... Take me with you." Take her... to the place where Granny went?

Madeline was beginning to contemplate suicide.

Maybe only in a very abstract sense at that point, but the thought process was forming.

And Shadow Madeline knew it, because it's right at that moment that she reappears in front of Madeline and desperately tells her to stop. She makes her intent very clear later in that same conversation when she says, "I just want us to survive this." Shadow Madeline is the part of Madeline that wants to keep living no matter how hard it is, the part that Madeline herself was in danger of pushing away and ignoring because she was too caught up in her grief and denial of reality. By talking Madeline out of this the way she manages to do here, Shadow Madeline is successfully doing her job as a legitimate, non-twisted defence mechanism. She literally saves their life.

There is no way Shadow Madeline would ever have been able to achieve this if they hadn't gone to Celeste Mountain in the first place and learned what they did there. Of course, then they also wouldn't have met Granny, but even without Granny, something similarly traumatic could have happened to Madeline to send her down this same kind of spiral - and in that situation, her Shadow would have done nothing but push back and be cruel and harsh on her and make everything several times worse. But not here! Which is what is so incredibly lovely about this whole chapter. Shadow Madeline was able to save Madeline only because of the newfound strength and kindness she's gained since last time, which in turn is only because of the strength and kindness Madeline started showing her, back when Madeline had been the stronger one.

One innocuous part that I love is when you die a bunch of times on the last and hardest screen, there's a small exchange where Madeline is starting to doubt if they'll ever make it, and her Shadow encourages her to keep trying and that they can do this. It's such a great reversal of how things were when they were climbing the Mountain together in chapter 7. Back then, Shadow Madeline was the one with doubts and Madeline was the one affirming that they could make it, because then her Shadow still represented the repressed part of her that didn't truly believe in herself. But now, thanks to everything Madeline learned and has been employing since last time, that underlying core of her psyche has become strong! Madeline's Shadow can genuinely believe in her now when she herself can't. Her Shadow is able to push them to keep going even when Madeline is starting to think about giving up - and that's true not only very literally in terms of the abstract dream platforming they're doing together at the end, but also in a more meaningful, overall sense in terms of their life.

And I just think this whole idea is absolutely freaking beautiful?

Be kind to your Shadow, not just because they deserve it, but because a day might come when you'll need them to be kind to you.

[system-of-a-feather]

So I think we just realized one of our head mates is a non human alter and idk I almost started crying cause some things we've felt before made sense with her being non human and having wings but I'm really in denial about even having alters so I'm freaking out and want to cry. Any advice? I'm trying to be accepting but I'm really shaken up over even trying to accept them, and this is kinda making hard.

Hey sorry about the delay! I had to take some time off to take care of myself and I’m glad I did since the first time I read this I seemed to entirely misread / misinterpret the message. I know its pretty late since this was sent, and I don’t know if the issue is relevant anymore, but I’ll still respond regardless.

Firstly, I would have to say you aren’t alone in feeling this way. I find a lot of people with DID and OSDD seem to have a sense of strong denial over their alters even years into communicating with them and even when you are more or less new to knowing of their existence, adjusting your life from functioning as many singular lives to a cohesive team / unit of many parts, it’s hard and can be pretty distressing. Truthfully, even till today, despite having decent relationships with each of my alters and going onto two years of diagnosis, sometimes I still miss being able to feel like a singular. 

With that being said though, being multiple is something not better or worse, but rather different and it is something that you need to get used to and adapt to. OF course, that is easier said than done, so I’ll extend a few advice / points that might help you do so that has helped me or people I have talked to.

1) Try to get to know them as you would another person. 

Again, easier said than done especially when the idea of having alters stresses you out, but it is really beneficial to try to develop a friendship and trust with the parts. Getting to know them and befriending them typically helps in reducing the fear over not being in control and it tends to bring out some better moments as a system that come from being friends. Additionally, it is always good just as a unit, as these are still parts of you, and getting to know and accept all parts of yourself - even if dissociated, is good for you.

2) Recognize and understand that while they feel and appear to be separate people that you don’t know and don’t control, in the end, they are still part of you as a whole and were created for a reason of safety and protection.

Regardless of if you want to view yourselves as part of a singular person or as individuals (both are valid), alters are not truly 100% separate people and they all stem from the same body, living the same life, and a very poorly integrated person. They might seem, feel, and act like complete strangers that take over your body and control your life with the lack of memory, differing opinions, and just how foreign they may be, but they all stem from you as a whole. These aren’t completely unrelated people doing what they like, these are people that have been with you for varying chunks of your life without knowing it and have all the way until now been doing their best to preserve your body and the life that you all have in the ways that they feel is best. They might not express it in the right ways and it might conflict with what you see, but you have probably had them for years without knowing it, and over the many years, they have reliably functioned in a way that allowed you to be alive today. Yes, there are a lot of problematic things that might come from it, but to a degree, even if you don’t know them, you can trust that at the very least, they have some good intention. 

It might be scary, but knowing of their presence changes little in the world beyond perspective. You probably had these alters for many years and everyone worked in a way that made things manage, now you still have those alters - likely still trying to do the same things, and everything will continue to work at least to that level. Now you just are aware of their presence and can now more truly work with them. It might feel like you are going downhill by noticing them, you might feel like you are going insane, but the truth is they aren’t just now appearing, they’ve been there for a while. You aren’t getting worse by acknowledging their existence, you are recovering by becoming aware of parts that were otherwise strongly repressed and unaddressed. 

3) You aren’t alone

Having alters, albeit rare, is not something that you are having to work with on your own. Many other people in the world also struggle with it and you aren’t crazy or broken for having them. You healed in a way that was considered to be a semi-normal coping strategy for the situation someone put you in. There are other systems out there who have been through a lot of what you went through and managed to work through it and there are those that are willing to extend advice to it.

4) You don’t have to rush into anything.

It is good to work on communication and accepting your alters, but don’t force yourself to do anything you aren’t ready or comfortable doing. It is alright to remain in denial for a time if that is what you need. It is advisible to interact and try to accept and get to know everyone in your system sooner than later, but you are in no rush to do so. Take your time and handle things at the pace you are ready to. 

-Riku (Host)

[doomonfilm]

Review : Halloween Kills (2021)

Even if it overstayed its welcome a bit, and restarted one too many times for the likes of most, Halloween as a franchise owes nothing to anyone.  Maybe that’s what made my first time viewing of the 2018 direct sequel to the 1978 classic so special, as the creative time behind it clearly held the original film in reverence and created their offering in the hopes of making a coherent and enjoyable legacy that purist fans can follow.  Interestingly enough, this initial viewing (and its callbacks to the original), as enjoyable as they were, still left enough room for interpretation that a few story points went right over my head... that is, until I got going with Halloween Kills.

The lateral expansion and exploration of the 1978 and 2018 entries in a parallel fashion works well, especially in light of the fact that Halloween Kills literally picks up in the same moments that concluded the 2018 Halloween film.  Speaking of, many people found it unnecessarily confusing that the 2018 film chose to title itself identically to the 1978 classic, but with the provided context of Halloween Kills, it’s now crystal clear that the 2018 entry was less of a sequel to its 1978 counterpart and more of a pickup after a 40 year pause.  In this light, Halloween Kills feels like a sequel in both spirit and scope, be it the way that Laurie and her family are given new layers, the revelations surrounding Deputy Hawkins, or the Twilight Zone-esque descent into madness that consumes Haddonfield and serves as the narrative spine.  Out of this central theme, Halloween Kills goes into deep dives on mob mentality, repressed retribution from the victimized survivors of the terror that Michael Myers caused with his past actions, and/or most importantly, the exploitation of fear as a tool for control and power.

Halloween Kills also manages to expand the lore of Michael Myers without going to illogical extremes, with the most powerful expansion of all being a key moment in the creation of the current version revealing itself as a half-truth.  The self-awareness that gave Halloween 2018 its depth continues in Halloween Kills, with callbacks to the original narrative not only being continued, but literally sewn in to the presented story via repurposed footage.  The self-awareness is also present in terms of the film knowing that it is a sequel, particularly in the large ensemble cast, the insanely raised stakes and the over the top body count.  A nice added touch was the way that a collective agreement became present to save Laurie from herself... it definitely makes sense considering her condition in the wake of facing Michael Myers head on, but it feels bittersweet from the outside looking in, as her lack of knowledge created a false bliss and set up a bomb drop built around the denial of closure. 

As previously mentioned, there is a nearly seamless integration of footage from the 1978 Halloween film, and with the color-timing choices made overall, the entire film benefits from looking and feeling like its classic counterpart.  I must also double-down on my love for this film to embrace its nature as a sequel, with the kills being highly stylized and more spectacular, while the body count is raised to a dizzying degree.  The growth of the cast feels natural in the way that they all keep the heart of the story in their sights while letting their presence help feed the overall sense of panic and paranoia, making it grow in a way where tension stacks upon itself into a tower ready to crumble at a moment’s notice.  The updated set design on the Myers house is a nice touch as well, as it drapes a very familiar location in a reskin with plenty of personality. 

Jamie Lee Curtis, Judy Greer and Andi Matichak all pick right up where they left off with Halloween 2018, moving forward with all of their post-traumatic stress that is amplified by their Earth-shattering discovery of the fact that Michael Myers is still alive, especially in the way that the uber-talented Greer‘s Karen essentially evolves into her final form of what Laurie was attempting to make her.  Anthony Michael Hall kicks the alpha instincts into gear as the mob leader, serving as a parallel terrifying presence to that of Michael Myers despite his stance as a protagonist and former victim.  Of all those that portray former victims, Robert Longstreet gives the most moving performance as he redeems the slander laid upon his name in the 2018 edition.  Dylan Arnold expands his character from a lustful, flippant and ignorant boyfriend character to a protector in the making hoping he can keep his girlfriend safe.  Omar Dorsey and Charles Cyphers capture the lack of foresight that impedes authority in a panic situation, standing as a voice of reason versus a voice of revenge conflict existing in the midst of a much larger conflict.  Kyle Richards and Marion Chambers also bring in the trauma-based energy as former Michael Myers victims, allowing their need for revenge to create interesting fight or flight reactions in the face of their elongated terror.  Carmella McNeal, Michael Smallwood, Scott McArthur, Michael McDonald, Brian F. Durkin, David Lowe and many, many more help fill out the fanatical and fantastic world of Halloween Kills. 

There is something poetic about Halloween Kills that, in my opinion, will most likely be read as either camp or fan service by the deeply cynical viewers of today.  With the 2018 edition setting up the return of Michael Myers as a showdown between he and Laurie, the poetry comes in the way that Halloween Kills unfolds the trauma, turns it into a collective madness, and all the while, allows Myers to remain his terrifying self while actually maintaining to build a sense of sympathy for his plight, making his eventual homecoming that much more powerful in terms of its subtext... in a way (and forgive me in advance for this level of corniness), the biggest threat that Michael Myers imposed was upon himself, and everything we’ve seen is a result of this.

[mzhong2014]

My Promised Land: Key Takeaways

I read My Promised Land because I knew nothing about the Israel-Palestine conflict and thought that this book would provide an illuminating perspective from the Zionist point of view. When I read the first couple chapters, I was immediately engrossed by the beautiful prose that embodies the spiritual, earthly, and violent identity of Israel. This is not a historical nor a policy book. Shavit wrote this as a book of the people, telling personal anecdotes that convey a greater message about Israel’s contradictions, challenges, and triumphs. Here are my takeaways from the book.

Israel is a home for those who before have never had a home

“Yet as the nineteenth century draws to a close, these Jews realize that as much as they care for Europe, Europe does not care for them. For these newly emancipated European Jews, Europe is like a surrogate mother. They look up to her, they worship her, they give her all they have. Then, suddenly, these devoted sons of Europe notice that Europe won’t have them. Europe thinks they smell. Overnight there is a new, strange look in Mother Europe’s eyes. She is about to go insane. They see the insanity dancing in her eyes, and they understand that they must run for their lives.” (19)

The imagery of the abandoned child frequently reappears throughout the book, constantly reaffirming the surrounding society’s hatred for Jews. “Zionism was an orphans’ movement, a desperate crusade of Europe’s orphans” (33). One does not need to restate the horrifying stories of genocide committed against Jews to capture the palpable loneliness of these people. Under this context, Shavit presents the establishment of a permanent homeland as perhaps the only long-term solution to persecution.

But Shavit does not depict his people as childlike. Rather, he portrays founding Israelites as “almost Bolshevik” (28), utilitarian, disciplined, and masculine. Whereas the US has been blessed by ocean moats that kept foreign invasion at bay for much of its history, Israel is the exact opposite. Existential threat permeates their way of living. Shavit writes, “If Israel had been kindly and compassionate, it would have collapsed. Denial was a life-or-death imperative or the nine-year-old nation into which I was born” (162). Regardless of your political views towards Israel, one cannot but help feel some admiration for their resiliency.

Israel is a country of contradictions

The most glaring contradiction is how Israel conquers a land under the fear of persecution, only to push out tens of thousands of Arabs who had been residing peacefully in this land for years. Shavit tries to wrestle with this contradiction, at times chalking up occupation to naïve ignorance, at other times taking full responsibility for the brutality of its reign. Sometimes, Shavit’s defense feels flimsy. “Is this colonialism? If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck” (18). But he continues, the first British Zionists “don’t really represent an empire but a deprived people seeking the help of empires. […] I see no evil. I do not see a condescending attempt to take the poor man’s lamb.” Yet, even if these Zionist individuals did not set out as agents of a colonialist power, how could they remain ignorant of an inevitable conflict with Arab locals? Even if Arab nationalism had not yet been fully formed and Palestine was not yet a sovereignty, can Shavit honestly believe that these Zionists were not trespassing on their land?

However, at this point, there has been such a cycle of retributive justice that occupation is no longer a question of righting wrongs. As Shavit writes about the Conquest of Lydda, “War was inhuman, but it allowed one to do what one could not do in peace; it could solve problems that were unsolvable in peace” (118). Whereas Shavit suggests that early settlers of Israel were able to overlook their Arab neighbors, Shavit recognizes that contemporaries can no longer ignore this fundamental contradiction of Israel. This is a contradiction that must be acknowledged and reconciled at a personal level.

In his attempt to reconcile the atrocities that Israel has committed with the mission that Shavit believes in, he writes, “On the contrary. If need be, I’ll stand by the damned. Because I know that if it wasn’t for them, the State of Israel would not have been born. If it wasn’t for them, I would not have been born. They did the dirty, filthy work that enables my people, myself, my daughter, and my sons to live” (131).

Shavit is not blind to how contemporary Israel treats Palestine. He writes, “For its outstanding economic, social, and engineering achievements, the new Israel paid a dear moral price. There was no notion of human rights, civil rights, due process, or laissez-faire. There was no equality for the Palestinian minority and no compassion for the Palestinian refugees” (151). While fulfilling officer duties at the Gaza Beach Detention Camp, Shavit reflects on his complicity in repressing Palestinian rights: “They scream because my Jewish state makes them scream. In a methodical, orderly, and absolutely legal fashion, my beloved democratic Israel makes them scream” (232). Do democracies only act as democracies until it becomes inconvenient to do so?

Shavit also recognizes that the political tides have turned; the international community now views Israel as the occupier rather than the occupied. It is a Middle East super power with developed nuclear weapons, a booming economy, and a vibrant startup scene. But this country has been receding politically over the past few decades. After the humiliating Yom Kippur Wars, “Suddenly the government of Israel was willing to give up everything. […] there was cynicism, nihilism, defeatism” (207).

Yet as Israel progresses as a nation-state, Shavit recognizes that future generations have become more distant from the political context for the country’s origination story. They have become degrees removed from the Holocaust. Perhaps it is inevitable for every future generation to become lazier and more disillusioned than the prior. They are not as willing to tolerate mandatory conscription or occupation of Palestine. Jews abroad, particularly in America, feel even more distant from their heritage. The question thus arises of how far are millennials willing to go for the Zionist mission.

Israel is a country rooted in the land

Shavit digs his fingers in every nook and cranny of Israel’s terrain to pay homage to the land and fruits it has born to its people. Shavit focuses Israel’s origination story on the barren harsh land that must be conquered only through sheer labor and will power. “Face to face with the elements, face to face with brutal existence, no protection at all. And here, in this desolate valley, we must sculpt our lives. From these rocks we must carve our new foundation” (33). Shavit glorifies the cultivated gardens, the plots of orange groves, and olive oil estates. After all, it is these cherished orange trees that gave rise to Israel’s dominance in citrus export. It is these individual remote farms that sowed Israel’s astronomical rise from the isolated to expansionist power. It is in the idyllic terrain where both Jewish and Palestinian terrorists hid automatic rifles in orange crates as they faced the inevitable conflict. But the earth doesn’t just provide sustenance for Israelites. They represent the uprooting of history, the conquering of the land. In one olive tree nursery, “Jewish workers rallied one day and uprooted the olive trees planted by Arab workers, replanting them with their own hands in order to make a national Jewish statement” (100). Even manual laborers are deeply consciousness of the Zionist mission.

I remain fascinated and intrigued by Israel, and would love to read perspectives from opposing points of views regarding the Israel-Palestine issue. For now, I have begun another book, Jerusalem: The Biography, to deepen my understanding of the underlying religious issues and history of this region. Israel remains one of the most fascinating trips that I’ve taken to date, and I would love to go back whenever this pandemic is over now that I have a greater appreciation for its culture and history.