#&they shoulda fucked nasty like 5 times

[crepuscularqueens]

penny and quentin shoulda made out sloppy style at least just once

[thebluester2020]

[SDV] Kinktober Day 5: "Double Penetration"

Summary: A rather spicy edition of Solarian Chronicles becomes more after you suggest you want to apply what the characters are doing to real life.

Warning(s): Threesome, Spit-roasting, Deep-throating, General filth that's expected out of Kinktober tbh.

Side Note(s): At this rate, I'm gonna aim to write a damn smut book man. I'm pumping out these fics like it's nothin'. 💀

Also, this prompt is loosely followed. I mostly wanted a reason to write spit-roasting 😔

Slight Edit: Anon told me that I spelled Sebastian’s name wrong and- the amount of times I spelled his name with a DAMN O. Y’all— you saw nothing (now to check if my other fics have this case of me spelling his name with an o-)

"Why don't we make this reality~?"

Those were the words that led you to ending up in your current predicament. You, naked on the floor and currently being spit-roasted between sucking Sebastion's cock whilst Sam fucked into you as if he were afraid you were suddenly going to disappear, all the while he whispered the most heinous words into your ear with such sinful whines to add on top of it!

Should you have been more embarrassed to suggest having sex after a particularly spicy round of Solarion Chronicles? Mayyybeee. But were you?

Definitely not.

. . .

A needy whine left Sam's lips, his breath washing over your ear as his arms were currently wrapped around your torso, his hips slamming against your ass desperately. "F-Fuck man...we shoulda did this sooner," He moaned. You moaned around Sebastian's cock when Sam suddenly rubbed against a spongey spot along with your inner walls, the reverberation of your moan on his cock making Sebastion hiss in pleasure as his grip on your hair tightened.

"Yoba...fuck, keep fucking her like that...she seems to like what you were doing."

"Oh?" Sam said teasingly. "You mean...here."

Another moan left your kiss-swollen lips, a creamy white ring beginning to form around Sam's cock as he lightly bit the shell of your ear before leaning back to admire what he was doing to you. "You're right Seb, she seems to realllyyy like it." He panted. His hand then came to part your pussy lips farther apart, a gasp choking up in your throat as you could feel the blue-eyed blonde twitch inside of you.

You whined when Sam's hands then came to grip your waist, fucking harder into you as his balls slapped against your overstimulated clit from the effort. Slowly, you felt your orgasm begin to creep up on you, but...with how blurry your vision was and the combined pleasure of the two men using you. You weren't sure if you would even be able to handle such an intense orgasm.

"Fuck—" Sebastian gasped as his hand shakily released its grip upon your hair to trail down to cup the side of your cheek, an infatuated look hiding just behind his obvious lust for you. You struggled to look up at him through your tears, yet despite your rapid blinking, the sight of the obvious blush of embarrassment on his face made it all the more worth it. Behind you, Sam groaned at the scene before him. "S-So pretty..." Sebastian whispered.

"Right?" Sam agreed. "Should've fucked 'er sooner...with a pussy this tight, this needy...we gotta do this every time we come over for Solarion Chronicles, eh Sebastion?" Wordlessly, Sebastian nodded his head as he felt his orgasm begin to approach, his dick twitching inside of your throat, making you cough around him.

Concerned, Sebastian quickly pulled you off his cock much to your disappointment. "I...I'm fine..." You said with a dazed grin.

"S-Shit...you like it really rough don't you farmer?" Sam moaned as his torso came to rest against your back once more, his larger hands placing themselves on your own as he rolled his hips into you with even more urgency. You clenched at the sound of Sam's whines and pleas for you to allow him cum inside, the nastiness of it all combined with Sebastian stroking his dripping cock to the scene before you only causing that knot in the pit of your gut to tighten even more. The groan that left Sebastian's lips, his body jerking along with his movements sent a strike of electricity into your body, threatening to push you over the edge before Sam suddenly began to pleasure and flick your clit.

The scream you let out, it was sure to wake the entire house.

"D-Don't be so loud—" Sebastian couldn't even finish his own sentence, a moan tearing from his lips. Sam smirked at the sight, his ministrations increasing in frequency as pleasure-filled tears brimmed your eyeline and began to fall.

"Don't tell her to hold back her moans." He playfully scolded his friend. "N-Not until I get her to cum around my dick that is..." He placed a sloppy kiss on the side of your face. "Cum all over my cock...been fuckin' my hand to the thought of this since the day you—Fuck—got here..." Sam cooed at you, his fingers beginning to pinch and lightly tug at your aching clit in addition to rubbing it. As your orgasm came closer and closer, your slick began to squirt out of you in tune to Sam's thrusts and drip down his thighs, your whines became higher and higher in pitch before your mouth fell open in a silent scream.

"Oh fuck..." Sebastian groaned at the sight before he threw his head back with a moan, his cum hitting your tongue and painting your face.

Shudders of overstimulation racked over your body as Sam continued to fuck you like his life depended on it. "S-Sam..." You whispered. "F-Feels too good—Ah!"

"S-Sorry..." He whispered. "A-Almost—almost there—" The rest of his sentence was caught in his throat as he suddenly stilled and pressed his pelvis as close to your ass as he possibly could. Your insides warming as his cum painted your insides white, Sam's body beginning to relax and weaken before he pulled his softening cock out of your hole. A moan left his lips as he watched your combined orgasms ooze from your hole, he was tempted to lick you clean but...with the way you looked as if you were seconds away from collapsing, he figured he would wait another day for the opportunity to arise.

"Holy shit," Sebastian panted, wiping his cum-stained hand on his pants before he ran his hand through his hair, getting the stray hairs out from his vision.

"You said it..." Sam said as he pulled your body to his own. You cuddled closer to the blonde, content as you giggled to yourself.

"Do you...do you guys wanna do this again sometime next week?" You suggested, suddenly becoming shy with your request. However, the two men couldn't nod their heads fast enough. This was definitely going to become a regular thing for all of you.

[spookitapes]

jschlatt nsfw visuals part l

summary | porn i associate with jschlatt bc i’m a whore for him

pairing | jschlatt x fem!reader (kinda ft. chuckle sandwich & friends)

warnings/cw | porn, smut, choking, slapping, spanking, daddy kink, getting caught by your friends, rough sex, edging, public sex, fucking in someone else’s bed, degradation, praise, humiliation, orgasm ban, anal, overstimulation, drunk/high sex (with consent), car sex

!! 18+ MINORS DNI !!

!! you need to log in to twitter to see the vids from there !!

not proofread, sorry for any mistakes !!

─────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────────

quickies

❧ “such a slut for me, aren’tcha sweetheart? yeah, you’re so goddamn easy for me.”

❧ fucks you like he HATES you during quickies…especially if you were being a brat or teasing him beforehand

❧ he’s going all out for the short amount of time given..give him 5 minutes or 5 hours he’s gonna have your legs shaking by the end of it.

❧ that man is gonna choke you, slap you, spit in your mouth, and still have time to fuck your throat with his dick that’s covered in your cum.

in an unlocked room of a nye party

❧ you did not see yourself ending up here…on some dude’s bed at a nye streamer party your boyfriend invited you to

❧ but schlatt doesn’t tolerate disrespect well. so when the host’s roommate started flirting with you as soon as he disappeared to get you two drinks…you knew he ur pussy was done

❧ he watched in amusement as you tried to let him down easy at first, but when he started calling you a bitch and grabbing at you it took schlatt all of three seconds to be between you two

❧ his fist clenched the man’s collar as you tried to calm him down

❧ “baby it’s okay- i’m okay!”

❧ “he’s not worth it, jonny!”

❧ “b-baby please just let it go!”

❧ he dropped eye contact with the man when he felt your nails digging into his shoulder

❧ he knew he had to push him away when he saw the worried look on your face— tears threatening your waterline

❧ but big guy’s gotta get his frustrations out somehow, and he knows the perfect way to get revenge and make you feel better

❧ so with a sigh, he releases the douchebag’s shirt with a shove and grabs your hand to lead you upstairs

❧ “yeah i bet you like gettin fucked on this prick’s bed knowing he could walk in at anytime, huh? like knowing the closest that bastard’s ever gonna get to this pussy is the fucking stain on his sheets.”

❧ you’re praying to the almighty man himself that jonny doesn’t notice the way your stomach twists up with the flames of an orgasm building..

❧ but god’s not listening and he’s laughing along with your boyfriend..who’s grinning down at you as he leans in to your ear

❧ “oh i felt that, sweetheart. felt this slutty pussy tighten up on me when i said that. knew you were nasty— but fuuuuuccck.”

❧ he’s g r o w l i n g his words out at this points

❧ teeth pulling on your earlobe followed by his hot breath fanning against it

❧ “m’gonna make you squirt all over this fucking comforter, doll. leave him a gift to push his face into as he jerks his sorry excuse of a dick off.”

❧ safe to say you two left a wet spot the size of russia and a lasting impression on twitter.

(bonus)

❧ “and to think you kept whining about some dumb kiss…shoulda known i always go above and beyond for my girl.”

giving you a punishment one two three

❧ “count or im startin over, understand?”

❧ don’t even think out nodding your head..

❧ cause he’ll put his fingers in your hair and yank your head back to meet his eyes as his other hand lands the first smack on your ass

❧ “use your goddamn words..you know better than that, angel.”

❧ “y-yes sir!! i understand! i’m sorry won’t happen again..i’ll listen— promise !!” comes tumbling out in a high pitched whine

❧ “ya better or you’re not cumming at all. gonna bruise this ass and leave ya all messy and unsatisfied like a whore. you want that, y/n ?”

❧ as hot as that sounds you definitely don’t want that..too horny and too pent up to be able to breathe without cumming

❧ so you fall into submission easily, counting out each spank he gives you

❧ thanking him profusely after he’s satisfied enough to slide his big fingers into your cunt

❧ “don’t thank me yet, i still haven’t decided to let you cum.”

❧ he can sense the frown spreading across your face at the whine you let out, so he picks up the pace of finger fucking you

❧ his unoccupied hand returning to giving you more harsh slaps across the ass

❧ “drop the attitude, toots or m’not gonna let you cum. just gotta keep being a good girl for me, can ya do that? can ya reach back here and give daddy a kiss?”

❧ so you gather all your strength as you strain your upper half to face him, tears falling down your cheeks as you reach for his lips

❧ it’s anything but what you’re expecting— slow and passionate. full of the love and softness as he batters your pussy and let’s you moan into his mouth

❧ “such a fucking good girl for me, knew you were in there somewhere. my pretty doll just needed to be reminded of her place, huh? fuck your self back on— thaaaat’s it.”

❧ but every time you’re about to cum he’s pulling his fingers out and spanking your pussy

❧ the frustration builds as you thrash around

❧ whining that “s’not fuckin fair!”

❧ “keep strugglin and i’ll really give you something to cry about.”

❧ his harsh tone makes you come to a halt, eyes red & legs shaking from being pulled back from the edge so many times

❧ and as soon as you still and meet his gaze he’s bullying his digits back into your sore pussy again

(bonus)

❧ “go ahead and cum for me, baby. been so good— yeah, cream all over my fingers…goooood fuckin girl.”

❧ sometimes instead of edging you jonny gives you exactly what you want…he’ll let you cum and he’s not gonna stop till you can’t cum anymore.

❧ “keep on fucking whining like you didn’t ask for this, y/n.”

❧ your chest is pressed against his and he’s got a death grip on your waist

❧ the only sound in the room is your loud cries and the sloppy fucking of his fingers into you

❧ your ass high in the air as he drills your pussy, pulling orgasm after orgasm out of your tired body

❧ “keep still-stop goddamn squirmin!”

❧ it’s barked into your ear, chops scratching your skin as he roughly grabs your jaw and forces your eyes to meet

❧ “i swear to god if keep moving i’ll strap the hitachi to your clit and leave you here all night.”

❧ before you can respond he’s setting a lightening quick pace, pussy spasming round him once again

❧ “fuuuck give it to me, darlin. you can keep going, come on and show me how good this pussy cums for me.”

❧ he only does it as an end to an orgasm ban (when you break a rule so he doesn’t let you cum for a certain amount of time..not even by yourself)

❧ you have to seriously piss schlatt off for him to ban you (he loves your pussy too much)

❧ but when he does…

❧ he’s not touching your pussy at all

❧ not gonna let you touch it either

❧ not even allowed to have your clit played with when it’s a punishment fuck

❧ you have to get off from the anal alone and if you don’t…that’s not his problem lmao

❧ maybe next time you’ll listen and behave for him…

❧ till then he’s using your ass as a fleshlight and lettin your week-long neglected pussy leak out so much it covers your thighs & all of his lower half

(bonus)

❧ “oh goddamn it, babydoll. didn’t know i could get you to squirt without even touching your pussy..imma have to do it again.”

late night car shenanigans one two

❧ it started off so innocent 🥲

❧ jonny asking if you wanted to ride around and listen to music with him at 3 am

❧ it’s a usual thing you two do together when you couldn’t sleep so you didn’t think much of it

❧ so you slipped on a tank top & a cardigan with a cute new mini skirt to match

❧ little did you know that skirt is your boyfriend’s new found kryptonite

❧ so now the skirt’s bunched around your waist

❧ your back’s pressed half against the door half against the passenger seat with your boyfriend’s fingers deep inside your pussy as he speeds down the interstate

❧ the loud bass that’s usually filled the car is silent

❧ schlatt wants to be sure he can hear his favorite symphony— your noises accompanied by the sounds of your wet pussy

(bonus)

❧ “whatcha want to eat, love? i know cumming like that had to make you work up an appetite.”

❧ “don’t worry about me i’ll eat my favorite meal at home. it’s hot and ready whenever i want.” (yes he’d make a little caesar’s joke about ur coochie tell me i’m wrong)

❧ camping with chuckle sandwich seemed like a good idea

❧ till you were drunk in the woods and only 10 feet away from your friends in tents

❧ “j-jonny we can’t..not with them right there.”

❧ “come on doll, they won’t even notice.”

❧ “you and i both know i can’t stay quiet enough for that..baby please.”

❧ as tipsy as he is he knows you’re right..so he sneaks you two out of the tent

❧ he grabs two new beers and leads you back to the parking lot of the forrest

❧ once you’re in the car it’s game over

❧ you’re both insatiable as you make out on his lap

❧ in your drunken kiss you knock the sun visor down and a pre-rolled blunt falls between you two on your laps

❧ you bite your lip as you look between the blunt and your boyfriend..hoping he catches your drift

❧ he catches that shit.

❧ so now your getting railed in the passenger seat as schlatt leans over you and shotguns the smoke into your mouth

❧ the feeling of being cross faded adds so much to being fucked

❧ you’re so sensitive it’s insane

❧ schlatt swears he’s never heard you making these types of noises before

❧ doesn’t even care about the carpet burn that’s starting to form on his knees

❧ the feeling of being crossed and inside of you is enough to make him speed up is thrusts

❧ you’re so lost in each other you don’t realize the sun starting to rise

❧ so lost in the sauce jonny just turns his phone off to stop it from ringing (he doesn’t even check to see who it is RIP)

❧ or hear the footsteps and calls of your names nearing the parking lot

❧ or when your friends finally knock on the car door they’re met with a porn star level performance from you both

❧ you’ll blame it on the substances later because right now nothing is gonna stop you both from covering the seat in another load of your almost future children

(bonus)

❧ “do you think they know?”

❧ schlatt gives you a small smile and kiss to the forehead

❧ “of course not, doll”

❧ you settle at the news, anxiety leaving your body

❧ “we DEFINITELY know.”

[chuckbass-love]

20,39,42 with Andy Barber?

Hey, lovely anon. First of all i hope you’re doing well and second of all, i thoroughly enjoyed writing this and i hope y’all have a lot of fun reading it. It’s been a hot minute since i last wrote for Andy.

Disclaimer: My work is not to be posted anywhere else other than MY Tumblr, Wattpad and Ao3 without my permission. However, reblogs are welcome.

Pairing: Andy Barber x Fem!Reader

Prompts Used: 

20) “You’d better be quiet or everyone’s going to know what a naughty little slut you are”

39) “I’m so sick of your voice. Why don’t you come over here and put your mouth to better use?”

42) “I guess i’ll just get off all by myself”

Warnings: Smut. Sexual intercourse, vaginal sex, spanking, daddy kink, love making (kinda), arguing, swearing, angst and a sprinkle of fluff for good measure. That’s right, used all 3. 18+ you know the drill.

Word Count: 6,796

GIF NOT MINE!!! Credit to @cassercole go check them out💕

Do You Feel What I Feel?

After a long and interesting weekend, you’re a lot less eager to get back behind your desk to work for Andy Barber than you usually are. One reason in particular being that you’ve been dating other people behind his back. See the thing with you and Andy is that you’ve known him for 2 whole years, worked for him for 1 year and been fucking him since the evening of your very first day. He got you the job to work with him after you got laid off.

You met him after he showed up for one of your seminars at college and he gave a presentation on what it’s like to be a lawyer and you just clicked. But it was strictly platonic...until you showed up on that first day dressed in a knee length skirt, a semi sheer polka dot blouse with stockings and heels. He was shocked to say the least. You looked entirely different and he’d never seen you this way before. It turned him on and he let you know it. 

As you were packing your things away and bidding him goodbye for the day, he called you back into his office and instructed you to lock the door behind you before he began to inform you of the effect you had on him. Starting slowly by telling you how he was taken aback by your ability to think on your feet, use your initiative and then just like that, it all came out and he couldn’t control his hunger much longer. 

He kissed you so hard that night that the breath was knocked from your lungs but you loved it, you yearned for more of that feeling and he fucked you so good that you made it a regular thing, without even realising it was becoming one until it was too late. You’d just show up at each others places without a warning and before you knew it, he was fucking you into the mattress and making you cum with a cry of his name.

Now back to the present... you like Andy, in fact if you’re being truthful with yourself, you’ve fallen so madly in love with him that you know it’s time to quit him. He’s like a drug, an addiction and you need to stop going back for more. Hence why you decided that enough was enough. 

You met a guy online, his name is Ashley and he was more than keen to take you out so you happily obliged and sure you had a nice time but there’s just one issue lying in your way. Andy is unsuspecting of your little date and it’s been eating away at you since said date walked you back to your apartment. You know that you need to tell him but you fear that it’ll cost you your job, he did hire you to help you out after all.

Before you can wallow more in your choice to keep things from him, he calls you into his office and you haven’t even gotten any work done yet, you only sat down 5 minutes ago.

What could he possibly want so early on?

“Yes, Mr Barber?” you ask flirtatiously, making him glare up at you before gesturing for you to take a seat opposite him. Which you do.

“So today i’m gonna need you to file this paper work into the data base for me” he starts, lifting up a pile taller than the length of your forearm and now you’re annoyed for real this time. He knows full well that you’re still finishing off the stack from Friday and yet here he is presenting more work for you to do “get it done by the end of the day” he finishes, flashing you another stone cold glare as he looks back down at the paper on his desk, not even bothering to acknowledge your presence for a second longer.

Until you speak up “Andy, you know i’m still finishing off Frid....”

“That’s Mr Barber to you and you can leave now” his rude and snappy interruption makes you scoff as you shake your head at the tone in his voice, he’s not in any mood today to help you out or make exceptions. So you do as you’re told, hauling the heavy pile into your arms and lugging it back to your desk outside. Once it’s on your desk, you walk back to shut his door before he asks, making sure to slam it harder than needed to make it known that you’re angry with him.

He doesn’t seem to notice or care though.

Now to get started on all of this work that’ll probably mean you staying later tonight, just brilliant. Guess your second date with Ashley will have to be rescheduled.

------------------------

You finish off half of the pile by the time it gets to 1:30pm and you’re due a lunch break round about now so seeing as though Andy hasn’t left his office all day, you decide to pop out for some food with one of the other assistants, Stacey. Thank God you don’t have to face him since you have absolutely no clue what could have possibly rattled his cage this morning to make him snap at you like that. The two of you have always had this ongoing joke of you calling him Mr Barber and he usually allows you to call him by his first name until today when that alone was enough to anger him.

It’s obvious that you’ll have to put off telling him about your date until he’s in a better place to receive the news. You’re hoping that since he’s always been opposed to commitment that he’ll take it well but the halt in your fooling around might annoy him a little. It’s not your problem though, he always knew you were planning to eventually settle down.

Upon your return to your desk you find Andy sat in your chair, looking through your work “where the hell have you been?” he mutters as he avoids your eyes “you know what, don’t even bother making excuses, my office, NOW” you jump out of fear as he raises his voice slightly at you for the first time in the whole 2 years you’ve known him. Your anxious body shuffles into his office, scared of what’s about to happen.

“Was i not clear enough earlier Y/N? Hm? Because i specifically remember asking you to have this work done by the end of the day. You get off at half 4, it’s now half 2 and you’ve only done half. Do i pay you to galavant around town with Stacey or do i pay you to do your goddam job?”

In the 2 years that you’ve known Andy, he’s also never made you cry, yet here you are trying your absolute hardest not to let these tears fall in front of him.

“You pay me to do my job and i’ve tried my best to get it done. I-I’m sorry” you stand there awkwardly, picking at the torn skin around your fingernails as you stare hopelessly at your stilettos. “Well your best isn’t fucking good enough Y/N, try harder. You can stay here until all of the paperwork is done and that includes Friday’s load too now close the door on your way out”

Is he actually serious? He can’t be, surely. What is wrong with him?

“No” you stand tall, hands on your hips as you talk back and if he was angry before then now he’s livid with you “What do you mean no?” he questions, stepping towards you, hands in his pockets as he awaits your answer.

“I said, no. Just because you’re in a bad mood for whatever reason does NOT mean that you get to stand here and humiliate me. I said no and that’s final. I’ll do my best to get today’s work done before i leave but Friday’s work can wait and i don’t care what nasty comment you have in store to throw back at me”

His face screws up as he clenches his jaw again, you should feel really scared right about now, that comment might have just cost you this job but you don’t care. If that’s the case then you’ll walk out of here proud of yourself along with one less so called friend in your life.

“Bad mood? I’m furious and you don’t even know the half of it” he picks his phone up, tapping a couple times before handing it to you and walking back to his desk to sit down. You watch the clip in his camera roll, squinting as you try to make out the faces in it and then you realise that it’s you and Ashley. Fuck. He was there that night at your apartment, he was obviously coming to see you and you didn’t even know it. He must have seen you with another man and changed his mind. You feel awful as you look back at him, he just sighs once you place the phone onto his desk.

“Andy, i-i”

“Save it. If you wanted to cut our little deal off then you shoulda just said. I don’t appreciate being lied to Y/N and i don’t fancy talking about it with you for a minute longer so just do as your fucking told and get back to work”

All you can do is turn around and walk away since you’ve done enough damage already. But all you can think about is the look on his face after you watched the incriminating clip. He looked sad, broken even and it’s replaying in your brain over and over. Torturing you. 

This is why he’s been so nasty today, so demanding and harsh. He’s hurt that you lied to him, hurt that you were with someone else, even if it was just dinner. You still arranged a date with another man and went and what Andy has never wanted to admit before, not even to himself is that he really likes you. In fact no, he’s fallen madly in love with you. 

Every waking moment of his life is spent with you on his mind. You even corrupt his dream world too and it’s gotten out of control. Saturday he decided it was time to cut your little deal off and start over. He was going to do it right, confess his feelings, ask you on a date and then take you out and treat you like a princess.

Ever since he laid his blue eyes on you that first time when he was doing the presentation in your class at college, he liked you. You asked so many questions, engaged a lot in the debates and he knew then that you were going to play an important role in his life. And you have. You became close friends, going out regularly and doing things like bowling and eating dinner together more than a handful of times. He enjoyed your company and you enjoyed his but there was this unspoken rule that you had to remain just friends. He wasn’t ready for anything serious and you were still not over your ex.

But then when you walked through his office door on your first day dressed in that skirt, those heels and stockings and lets not forget about that blouse. He was trying his hardest not to drool. One things for sure though, he was painfully hard for you.

When he came to your apartment Saturday and saw you outside your door with some preppy douchebag who was around your age, he felt this lump in his throat form as his heart ached. Sure he expected you to get a man eventually after all you are 24 and he’s in his 30’s. But he didn’t expect it to happen so soon. He also didn’t expect you to have such an effect on him the way you have but here he is, angry at you for moving on without telling him and angry that you aren’t his anymore. 

He feels bad for shouting at you today, for being so harsh with his words. He could see the tears pooling in your eyes right away but he was too pissed off to stop and now he’s almost certain that any friendship the two of you had is gone for good thanks to his vile actions.

Another 2 hours tick by and you’re still working at your pile, you’ve still got a lot left being that he’s included Friday’s in your load too. It’s going to be a long night so you pick your phone up and call Ashley.

“Ashley hey, it’s uh, it’s Y/N. Listen, i have to work late today so i won’t be able to make it” you announce and as he responds, Andy opens his door but you don’t notice.

“Rain check? Uh...” you trail off, trying your hardest to decide if you even want to see him again. It’s like you’re torn. On one hand you have Andy, your dream man. A man who knows your body like the back of his hands and a man who can more than likely take care of you if you just took a leap and told him about your feelings but then on the other hand you have Ashley. A guy who is your age and who makes you laugh a hell of a lot. Before you can even decide though, you hear a cough behind you. It’s Andy.

“Ashley can i call you back? It’s just now’s not really a good time, i have a lot of work to get done”

You hang up the phone as your eyes are locked onto Andy’s and the moment your phone is placed back onto your desk he wraps his large hand around your wrist, lifting you up off your chair and tugging you into his office. You watch as he locks the door behind him before going back to sitting behind his desk.

“You gonna see him again?” he asks, jaw clenched.

“I-I uh, i don’t know. I’m a little torn right now” your eyes settle on his plump pink lips, wanting nothing more than to bite down on his bottom one as you sink down onto his cock but you’re dirty thoughts come to a staggering halt as he speaks. “Torn with what? You like him right?” why is he asking you these things? Is he trying to torture himself with the details.

“Yes i mean no i mean I don’t know. I like him but i don’t think i can date him”

“How come?”

“Because i like someone else, in fact i love someone else”

Andy feels his heart sink further as more cracks appear threatening to shatter it completely. You love someone else and now he’s truly out of the game.

Rage works it’s way back into his body and he can’t help but take it out on you “did you sleep with him? Huh? Did the douche bag get to fuck that tight cunt of yours?”

At first you find him funny, laughing as you look around the room, anywhere but his eyes but then your own rage sets in.

“Not that it’s any of your business but no, he didn’t. We had dinner and that’s it” you state, matter of factly as you place your hands back onto your hips..

“Bullshit”

“Is that what you really think of me Andy? You think i’d just give it up to any guy that even looked my way. Wow, i knew you were a lot of things but vicious was definitely not one of them and what’s that i smell? Is it jealousy? Surely not.” you tut, shaking your head “I don’t think i even know you at all by the looks of things if you thought lying to me was better than being honest and trust me, i’m not jealous in the slightest, in fact i pity you. It’s your sex life that will suffer” he doesn’t falter for even a second as he stares you down and just as he anticipated, you’re the first one to break, looking away from him. You can’t help the way your heart starts to race from all of the fury filling up your body. How dare he.

“I was only keeping it from you until i found the right time to tell you. And don’t you dare think for one second that just because we’ve slept together that you have any right to comment on my sex life. You made it perfectly clear that monogamy wasn’t your thing so don’t be mad when i finally want to move on from being someone’s fuck buddy” you spit, heat rising to your cheeks as you realise what you just said. Fuck.

“I’ll comment on whatever i fucking want to so quit the bitching and yeah, i don’t do commitment but i sure as hell wouldn’t be with you even if i did”

You don’t respond to him this time, there’s no quick comeback to fire his way, no insult that could mean you having the upper hand again. Nothing is left but shock and disappointment. He really said that, he really played on your biggest insecurity. He played on it and used it to his advantage, to get the upper hand and win the argument.

“What? Got nothing to say?” he snorts, smug grin on his face. Watch his smile disappear now...

“I love you, Andy” you finally get the words out and you feel as if you’re going to choke on them and die right here in his office. Cause of death, unrequited love.

“W-what?” he’s practically speechless, his words barely audible.

“I’m so madly in love with you and i have been for a while now. But i continued to shut my feelings out and reject other guys because i came to the realisation that having you in any way that i could would be enough for me even if it meant that i couldn’t have you in the way that i’ve always wanted. But none of this matters now, right? Because you’ve made it pretty clear how you feel and where you stand. You wouldn’t date me even you did date and that’s fine but at least now both our cards are on the table”

He looks up at you, using his index finger to force you to look back at him and when you do, he looks so deep into your eyes almost as if he’s attempting to see into your soul. Like he’s trying to search for any signs of dishonesty.

“Why didn’t you just tell me? Instead of going out with other guys you shoulda told me and been honest about it?” is all he can say and that’s the last response you expected but what catches you off guard the most is how he said it, almost like he was hurt and relieved simultaneously.

“Andy, you’re my boss and you made it clear that you didn’t want a relationship” he has absolutely no right to lecture you about honesty when he’s spent the entire time he’s known you blabbering on about how the single life is better for him and how he’d hate to be tied down again. You roll your eyes as you move away from him when he attempts to move closer.

Silence falls upon the two of you and it seems never ending, leaving you no choice but to leave. The moment you turn around to walk away he’s on his feet too “where are you going?” the tone his voice makes it sound as though he’s pleading for you to stay without actually saying the words.

“I’m going back to my desk to do my fucking job, just like you told me to do earlier” you turn back around but just as you expected, he stops you “look. I’m sorry, okay. I was just mad that you”

“Mad about what? That i went out on a date? I’m a single woman Andy and despite our little deal, i don’t belong to you so you have no right to be mad at me for doing what any other single person does”

He bites down on his bottom lip as he runs his fingers through his perfectly styled locks, messing them up instantly “God, you’re so fucking infuriating”

“I’m infuriating? You really are clueless to your own behaviour aren’t you? I just told you that i love you and you still haven’t told me if you feel the same. So i think that says it all, don’t you?” you stop yourself before continuing your rant, trying your hardest to prevent something worse slipping out. Right now in your state, you’re bound to say things that you don’t mean and will later regret. “you know what, i think i’m gonna take the work load home and complete it there. I’ll see you tomorrow, if i still have a job that is” you raise your brows at him, praying he doesn’t fire you for your attitude alone. But to your surprise he doesn’t.

“You really think that low of me? That i’d ever fire you because of what’s going on between us outside of this office? Wow” he leans back on his desk and his shoulders drop as he slumps over, looking down at his large calloused hands.

“It’s what i assumed would happen. You’re really gonna pretend like you don’t want me gone after today?”

“I don’t, believe it or not. But i have no time to deal with this discussion any longer, i have to leave early today” he says as he goes back to sitting behind his desk again and turning his computer back on “i don’t expect you to stay any longer, you can take that work home and finish it after your date” he mutters the last few words, pulling a face as if they make him sick.

“Really? We’re back to that again. God i’ve had it with you” you spit, biting down on the inside of your cheek before strutting over to the door but his hand stops you before you even get yours on the lock.

“Let me go Andy. I don’t even want to look at you, let alone be stuck in a room with you” harsh, but in this moment it’s true. He’s done nothing but upset you all day long and even after your stupid decision to confess your love for him, he’s still doing it. You feel so defeated right now that you can’t take another second of his shit.

“Just one more thing and then you’re free to go and fuck whoever you want, whenever you want. How many guys have you been on dates with since we started hooking up?” the desperation is evident in his eyes as they pierce into yours, searching again but this time for the answers before you can even open your mouth to give them to him “one. It was only one date on Saturday night with Ashley�� and that’s the truth. You would never repeatedly date behind his back, this was a one off. A one off you’re regretting more as the seconds tick by.

An awkward silence falls upon the two of you once more as he walks back over to his desk, pacing next to it and creating a draft. “Are you planning to see him again?” and he’s back with more questions. Why does he care so much?

He clearly doesn’t love you too otherwise he’d have said it once you confessed your feelings for him. Instead he left you looking like the biggest joke ever, the clown. And you feel so mortified for even believing he’d say it back.

Silly little Y/N, always catching feelings for men who don’t feel the same way back. You’re starting to feel as though you’ll never find someone.

But still his behaviour has you second guessing him. Maybe he does like you and that’s why he’s acting so hurt.

“Maybe i will, after all i am single. That shouldn’t be a problem, should it Andy?” you know full well that you’re pushing down hard on his buttons and you can see his cheeks turn red as his knuckles turn white from his tight grip on the side of the table.

“What you don’t like that? You don’t like the thought of me on top of Ashley, sinking down onto his cock as he touches my body and kis -”

Out of nowhere he interrupts you, slamming his fist down onto his desk “dammit, Y/N, what is it with you? Trying to make me jealous? Because i’ve had just about enough of you running your mouth” he pulls one of the chairs out, falling into it and spreading his legs “In fact. I’m so sick of your voice. Why don’t you come over here and put your mouth to better use? Huh? Maybe then you’ll shut up about that fucking douche bag” he is jealous, it’s so obvious to you now. He’s jealous of Ashley, jealous of the possibility of him spending time with you and he hates the thought of someone stealing you away from his tight grasp.

You can’t quite believe your ears or your eyes as he spreads his legs further, grazing his hand over the tent in his dress trousers and you can’t help the gulp that follows.

“Andy”

“Shhh, enough talking. I don’t have it in me anymore to argue with you, just come here” he insists but you stand your ground “no. i can’t keep going round and round in circles with you with absolutely no end in sight and with no hope for you to reciprocate how i feel. I’m sorry but i’m leaving”

Yet again, as expected, he clears his throat “fine. I guess i’ll just get off all by myself”

Like they always do around Andy, your legs turn to jelly and your eyes glaze over along with your better judgement being clouded by x rated thoughts of him railing you. The idea of him touching himself, working his hand expertly around his girthy cock causes arousal to flood your panties. How dare your body betray you like this. How dare your mind do the same. It’s not fair that every time you think you have the upper hand and the dominance, he comes along, snatching it away from you and proving you wrong.

You have absolutely no idea why you’re about to do what you’re about to do other than the fact that your body gravitates toward him like a magnet and it’s out of your control.

So without a second longer to fester or overthink, you spin around on your heels, charging towards him. Andy watches in awe as you drop to your knees and make quick work of his belt. Once you free his cock from the confines of his black Calvin Kleins and into your small hand you spot the droplets of precum oozing out of the slit on his red bulbous head. You look up at him through your eyelashes, batting them as you give the tip a couple of kitten licks before spitting all over his shaft and pumping him agonisingly slow.

“Fuck” he groans, rolling his eyes back as he grips the arm rests on the chair when you take him into your mouth “attagirl, sucking daddy’s cock like a fucking pro” his hands grip your face as he continues to watch you go to work, making a mess of yourself as you gag around him,

You don’t bother to issue a warning before taking all of him in your mouth, all the way down to his balls over and over. Making sure to hollow out your cheeks as you bob your head up and down, your tongue licking the underside of him as your hands grasp his balls. He starts bucking his hips up, attempting to fuck your mouth but you push him back down as a whole batch of unholy sounds that only you can elicit from him fall from his perfect lips, the sounds that are so loud and downright filthy that he has no option but to cover his mouth with his hand, biting down one of his thick digits to keep from exposing himself to his unsuspecting colleagues outside.

He soon pulls you off and you do so with a pop. He forces you to look up at him, his hand grabbing your cheeks and squeezing aggressively “no matter what undeserving boys you go out on a date with, no matter who flirts with you. You’re mine, always have been and always will be” he moves you to straddle his lap before he stands up to move the two of you to the couch.

“So no more dates princess, no more other guys. Because i’m the only one who gets to have you. Is that clear?” he cocks his brow up at you and you nod in response before mumbling a quick “yes” to satisfy his need for confirmation and assurance.

He lifts your knee length dress up to your stomach before he gets to touching you, squeezing at your ass cheeks a little too hard for your liking but you secretly love the way he gets so rough with your body, the way he smacks both ass cheeks repeatedly until you wince from how sore he’s made you.

“God, these clothes drive me crazy. Ever since that first day i met you, i’ve wanted you and when you started working here, i was so desperate to fuck you as you wore these stockings and these heels. You’re so fucking hot, princess and you have no idea how crazy you drive me when you bend over, shoving this ass in my face”

He starts to kiss your neck, sloppy open mouthed kisses on the spot that has your back arching as you grip onto the back of his neck to steady yourself. He’s working you up all the more, turning the pool in your panties into a river. You’re dripping wet for him, desperate for him to just fuck your greedy pussy, desperate to clench down around his cock as he pounds into you.

“You’ve done it before Andy. Many times in fact”

His kisses halt as he smirks at you, that devilish look in his eyes. It always drives you wild “do it again, please, i need it” you beg pathetically and much to your surprise, he does exactly that. He takes your panties, tugging them to the side and playing with your soaked core a little as well as touching your bundle of nerves. You whine into the crook of his neck as you urge him to hurry before he eventually pulls his pants further down his legs to position himself at your entrance better. You don’t even have time to breathe before he’s knocking the air from your lungs as he fucks himself to the hilt inside of you.

The way his pace continues to pick up until it’s rendering on animalistic is causing you to let out the loudest and sexiest sounds, it’s like music to his ears but he can’t have anyone hearing this. He flips the two of you over so that you’re below him, your legs pushed back to your head and you hold them in place. His hand covers your mouth as he slides himself back in, not making any effort to start slow “you’d better be quiet or everyone’s going to know what a naughty little slut you are” he continues with rough snaps of his hips as he fucks into you with reckless abandon and causing the sweet music you make to vibrate onto his hand.

“Yeah, like this? Like the way i fuck this pretty little cunt?”

Thrust

“Bet his cock couldn’t even touch what mine does to you, the way you cry out for more and scream my name every time. The way i can make you cum with just my words and my fingers. God, such a dirty little girl for me, ain’t that right, princess?”

Satisfied hums follow his questions along with a frantic nod as you feel the coil tightening in your stomach, like a knot twisting and pulling, you’re so unbelievably close that you can almost taste the impending orgasm. “Don’t make a fucking sound when i move my hand, okay?” again you nod in response and he moves his hand, smiling down at you with adoration in his eyes before moving his hand to your aching sex. His fingers pressing down onto your bundle of nerves, rubbing firm circles on it and as soon as your walls flutter around him, he knows your close.

“Gonna cum, huh? Gonna make a mess all over my cock? My filthy girl, go on baby, cream all over me”

Just like that, along with his permission you let everything go, allowing yourself to really feel the pleasure. Your walls flutter around him again and again and each time he pulls out of you he spots your juices as they cover his cock beautifully. The sight alone has his hips snapping harder, the sound of his skin slapping against yours bounces off of the walls in his office and you accidentally let out a lewd moan that he swallows with his kiss as you wrap your legs around him to pull him closer “cum for me daddy” your encouragement sends his entire world spinning as his thrusts stagger. 

His cock jolts inside of you, twitching like crazy before his cream fills you up deliciously, painting your walls in thick ropes. You arch your back as your arms wrap around his neck. You need to feel his lips on yours.

He kisses you so hard that your teeth clash, making the two of you chuckle into each others mouths before attempting again. This time his tongue forces it’s way past your lips, battling with yours as he rides the two of you through your dramatic and intense highs.

Once his hips still and he pulls out, he flops down next to you. The two of you are nothing but a panting mess. Chests rising and falling along with your erratic heart beats.

“I love you too” he confesses, making you gasp as you turn your head to look at his spent body, the way his eyes meet yours and tears pool in them has your eyes doing the same.

“Andy”

“I’m not finished. I’ve felt this connection with you since the day i first met you, it caught me completely off guard. When we made the deal for it to be just friends, i was upset. I wanted a lot more but i know i wasn’t ready just yet. But the way you’d draw out laughter from me that no one else has ever been able to and the way you’d boss me around only made my feelings grow. Then we fucked and it was like confirmation to me that i was well and truly screwed. But i kept coming back for more because it was like an addiction, i had to have you in any way that was possible and if sex was the only way then i’d have stayed single forever just to keep you close. I’d have done anything to be able to hold your body and kiss your neck and make you feel good. If doing that as just your fuck buddy was the only way then so be it. But i got to a point where just fucking you wasn’t enough. I wanted something real with you. So on Saturday-” before he can even finish you sigh, sitting up.

“You came to tell me how you felt? Andy, why didn’t you just say that earlier?” you don’t know how to feel right now. You’re so consumed by emotions that your head is spinning. One one hand you’re angry, annoyed and upset that he kept this from you and didn’t just tell you he felt the same when you confessed how you felt. But then on the other hand you’re relieved and happy that he does feel the same. This was never some unrequited love, it’s always been reciprocated and real. 

All the lingering stares you’d catch, all of the compliments thrown your way and the insults hurled at random guys who’d ogle you whenever you were out in public with him or whenever another guy at work would take an interest.

“I saw you with that guy Y/N and i broke down. Then today, i expected you to come in and talk to me about it but instead you sat down at your desk, acted normal and didn’t say a word. I was hurt that you’d keep this from me. I know we both felt these things and i know both of us were unaware of the feelings being reciprocated but you still didn’t tell me you’d even thought about seeing other people and i guess i just expected more from you, more honesty”

He’s right. You don’t have it in you to argue because he’s right. He might have had his reasons for hiding his true feelings but you hid your date from him and that’s a lot worse. How was he supposed to just come out with it when all he could think of was you with Ashley.

“You’re right. I was wrong, i didn’t even think about the effect it would have and i was selfish. To tell you the truth i only went out with that guy because i was trying to move on from you, i didn’t want to keep feeling this strongly with no possibility of you feeling the same so i did the first thing i knew to do, date some other guy”

Andy can’t say he isn’t relieved to hear you admit that preppy college boy means nothing to you but it’s bitter sweet, you saying that you thought your feelings were one sided so you wanted to move on to avoid getting hurt further makes him hurt too. You’ve always meant more to him than just some friendship or some steamy sex. You’re the first woman he’s even looked twice at since Laurie and that means a whole lot more than you’ll ever know or understand.

“So what now?” you ask, puppy dog eyes showing as you await his response.

“I know it’s a bit backwards but how about a date tomorrow?”

God, he really is so handsome, so sweet. His deep and raspy chuckles make you giggle along with him as you straddle him once again, crashing your lips to his, his beard scratching at your face just the way you like.

He pulls away for a second “is that a yes?” once more you shake your head, tutting at him “a thousand times yes, Mr Barber. Yes i’ll go out with you” he wraps his arms around you as he pulls you flush against his suit clad torso, kissing you eagerly and smiling into it. He finally got the girl.

---------------------------------

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[whentheresnomoreleft]

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[gayspock]

OK bake off ep 2

- the intro sketch is evil. i never want to see paul hollywood eat matt lucas ever again

- lizzie i do love you a lot but you are so obviously some sort of disney adult / harry potter adult and i could tell that before you mentioned the latter but god. im trying to live in bliss. so dont mention it again

- oh i loathe amanda . i fucking hate her. shut up. wriTTTTTing... SHUT UP !!!! SHUT UP!!! (GOES FOR HER THROAT)

- when no-brits tumblr dot com mock the bri'ish accent am ike 😁✌teehee cheeeeeseee ubt when oughghh. when a missus like her tries to take the piss out of it in a very clear classist context am like oh crikey. die i'll fucking go bite your nasty ankles you little cunt snap snap snap trust the cop 😐😑. i hate her shes the villain for me she shoulda went last week fr fr

- FREYAOIGGGUGHGHHGHG. I LOVE COFFEE FLAVOURED BAKES. OMGGG<3. YUMMY YUMMY

- rochica tooo omggg yaaayyy i love it my cute girlies

- AND CHIGS. YES ALL THE BESTIES WITH THE COFFEE COOKIES. KISS FOR ME PLEASE!

- JAIRZENOOOO THEYRE SOO YUMMY SOUNDING WOWEE!

- let him be chilled out i lurv it when the bakers are just calm and cool theyre like "well.. im in a pickle, arent i? aha oh well" its so funny

- jurgen (am sorry omg u dibt =have umlauts on my keyboard and im going fast live so icant paste them in) but wowee it looks so delicious and scrammy and-

- he has a mASTERS IN PHYSICS??? ITERALLY SORRY BUT HE IS THE BESTIE. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HE HAS THE ENERGY. EVERYONE DIE FOR JURGEN PLEASE! THATS AN ORDER!

- giuseppe being like ehrm. WELL ACTUALLY- to paul yeah go ahead you fucking tell him get his ass . giuseppe you point out that you- OH NO HE JUST DROPPED HIS BRANDY SNAPS

- OH NOOOO GIUSEPPE BESTIE NOOOO OMGGGGGGG

- i love everyone here btw (except for amanda) theyre all my besties they really are

- hahaa seeeee giuseppe did it in the end haaahaaaa paul (rips him apart)

- also i was busy during the ad break (was washing my face) but is prue.... whats that show with prue. -_- i hate it whatever it is.

- every time they bitch and , moan about too strong flavours i just dont trust it theyre not so bad this year but nonetheless its paul and prue fucking fusspots like shut uppppp

- YEAHHH BITCH. GIUSEPPE GET THEIR ASSES!! HE DISD WELL! HAHAHA, EGG ON YOUR GOD DAMN FACE PAUL

- JURGEN BOSSING IT YET AGAIN. HELL YEAH.

- (handshake) matt: it means nothing from me, you know jurgen: it means everything to me oH IM OBSESSED

- jammy biccies... :3

- oh for gods sake, yet again with the "its all about the temperature and its hot today" please stop, for the love of god, forcing the drama with this PLEASE. invest in AIRCON. its not giving the good tv bits you hope it does bestie...

- also paul being like "haha, well you're from south africa" to prue we dont need to be reminded. (gives prue a VERY stern stare)

- also subs arent on todays ep for some reason. um. -_-<-furious

- GIVE JURGEN STAR BAKER TWO WEEKS IN A ROW. NOT OUR FAULT HES SO FUCKING GOOD AT THIS.

- THE BAKING TERMINATOR.

- they need to stop giving them these stupidly hard showstoppers so early. fr, last week they had the gravity defying cake: when nadiya did that 5 years ago, that was like ICONIC and awe-inspiring... why the hell was it a week one bake? stoppppp over complicatying things besties. they just make a mess.

- like fr. they used to just have them make a structure, sure... likw why are they making them make full on interactive toys with gingerbread now?

- i hope amanda's rocking horse is the one that breaks. i hope her rocking horse dies.

- ASLO SORRY I KNOW YOU PROBS SHOULD BAKE STH YOU LIKE BUT. IT FEELS A BIT SILLY BILLY TO NOT BAKE GINGERBREAD BC YOU DONT LIKE IT WHEN ITS THE BISCUIT ALMOST NECESSARY FOR THE CHALLENGE?

- her choosing a soft cookie and then going ahhhh why is it breaking</3 HAHAHA AMANDA. GET IT.

- I LOVE it when they engineer cool stuff though its soooo epic. especially the engineers when theyre just sat there going fucking bonkers with all their little measurements-

- also wait. rochica??? how big will that be?

- OMG YES CRYSTELLE YESSSS YESS a makeup thingy. i would loooveeee that. literally sooo cool.

- i would love to make one of those heads. you know those doll heads. where you braid their hair.

- OKAY EVERYONES LOOKING SOOO COOL

- LOL. BYE BYE. AMANDA'S ROCKY HORSE.

- matt im screaming. "do you know whats wrong? british technology".

- GEORGE'S PLANE GOING ROUND IS SO SO COOL OMG.

- i didnt get giuseppe's but this is also very cool. the insane detail and engineering with them both.

- AND MY GOD. JURGEN YOUR FUCKING WINDMILL.

- sOMGGGGGGG CRYSTELLEEEEEEEE

- CRYSTELLE HONEY I LURVVVV IT WOWEEE

- IM THROWING UP OVER FREYA'S ROCKING HORSE VS AMANDA'S.

,- matt referring to his doctor who stint. i am obsessed. (slaps his bald head) love.

- oh my god if they send jairzeno home bc hes a lil messy i'll kill you boot amanda she trainwrecked completely

- literally jurgen and giuseppe. the literal mvps.but it would be SO fucking funny if jurgen got it second week in a row like yes bestie go for it ...

- starbaker is..- yes YES YES JURGEN STARBAKER 2.0 LITERALLY NO ONE IS DOING IT LIKE HIM

- now send amanda home. do it for me.

- ....

- .

- YOU'RE SENDING JAIRZENO HOME?

- I'LL KILL YOU I'LL KILL YOU I'LL KILL YOU I'LL LITERALLY END IT ALL FOR YOU HERE RIGHT NOW AMANDA'S LITERALLY DIDNT EVEN FUCKING STAND UP IM GOING TO KILL YOU WAIT HOW DID JAIRZENO DO IN THE FIRST TOO? BC AMANDA DIDNT SO WELL IN SIGNATURE OHHHH MY GOD

- IM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW

- AMANDA SHOULD HAVE WENT LAST WEEK TOO CAN WE JUST FUCKING GET RID OF HER I DONT LIKE HER IM OBSESSED WITH EVERYONE ELSE IF SHE GETS FURTHER I'M KILLING IM BITING

- JURGEN BEING LIKE HIII BESTIE IM STARBAKER AGAIN AND WHOWEVER'S ONTHE PHONE BEING LIKE "my gooodness....." me memememememememe

[red-writing-on-asylum-walls]

FebuWhump Day 5: “Take me instead...”

Warnings: being held at gun point, robbery, hostage situation,

Really unsure about this one and I’m even less sure about the ending.

----------------

Miranda is staying late at the pharmacy, taking stock and closing up shop after hours. Technically, Dom isn’t supposed to be inside with her, but everyone looks the other way because, well, it’s Dom and he’s a sweetheart and everyone knows he and Miranda are head over heels for each other.

She’s just about to lock up behind the counter when the bell above the front door jingles.

“I thought you locked that…” Dom says in a low voice, frowning through the darkened shop.

“I did.” Miranda whispers back and there’s tension in her voice. Dom glances at her and she shares a frightened look with him. Her hand dives into her pocket for her phone but before she can pull it out, a trio of dark figures emerge from the aisles around them.

“Shit,” Hisses one of them, “Didn’t think anyone would be here. Ah, ah, ah!” They pull a gun from somewhere, point it at Miranda as she pulls out her phone, “Drop it, honey, or I’ll pop you one. Good, now kick it over here. Thaaattt’s right. Now both a’ you, on your knees, hands behind your heads.”

Dom’s heart is pounding, fear turning his stomach as he eases to the floor. Miranda is right in front of him, frowning in that way that says she’s worried. Her hands are shaking where they’re held behind her and Dom wishes he could hold her, wishes he could say they would be okay.

The thieves are hissing at one another and then one breaks off to go into the still unlocked medicine counter with a bag over their shoulder. Stealing the drugs to sell, then. Perhaps if they got what they wanted then they would just go and leave the two of them in piece. Dom can hear the third guy rattling pill bottles and plastic bags. Miranda looks less afraid and more pissed now and Dom knows she’s thinking about her patients, about the people who need those medicines to survive, to live comfortably.

“Don’t try anything,” Says one of the thieves, keeping a gun trained on them, “I don’t want to but I will shoot you.”

“Sh-shots would just d-draw attention…” Dom murmurs, more to himself than anyone, “The police…”

“Yeah, but it’d also result in one of you getting seriously hurt or killed. Don’t want that, do ya’?”

“You’ve already gotten the attention of the police,” Miranda says darkly and the thieves’ attention snaps to her.

“Whadya mean?” The gun gestures at her and Dom flinches. Miranda is looking at the floor.

“When you forced the bolt on the front of the shop, it triggered a silent alarm.” She explains to the tile, “I don’t—this doesn’t have to be a shootout. Please, just take what you want and go. It’s too dark to see you. You’ll get away just fine. Please.”

“Fuck!” One of them kicks a shelf and knocks over a bunch of bottles and boxes, sending them cascading noisily to the floor. Dom recoils from the noise, shivering, “We’ve probably only got seconds then! Benny! Get the fuck outta there! Sid, go look out for lights n shit!”

There’s a lot of movement and noise and Dom looks helplessly at Miranda. She meets his gaze. He wants to take her hand, wants to squeeze it tightly. He wants to be home, leaning against her on the couch, watching a movie neither of them are paying attention to because they’re too busy looking into each other’s eyes. He wants to be safe and warm and away from here. But most of all he wants her to be far away from here, wants her to safe, wants her to be anywhere but on her knees at the mercy of a gunman.

“Lights comin’!” Shouts a voice from the front of the store. The racing of Dom’s heart kicks up a notch.

The one with the gun starts cursing up a storm, “Benny, come on! Out! Now! We’re screwed!”

“They’re gettin closer!”

“Fuck!” Says the gunman. Then he lurches forward and loops an arm around Miranda’s throat, pressing the muzzle of the gun to her temple.

Dom’s heart stops.

All sound drops out of the world and he can’t breathe as he watches Miranda stumble to her feet, stooped in order to comply with her captor’s movements.

And Miranda, his dear Miranda, strong as sunlight and brilliant as gold, has never looked afraid of anything.

But she looks scared now.

“TAKE ME INSTEAD!”

Dom’s voice is still ringing in the empty shop by the time he realizes what he’s said.

Everyone freezes.

Miranda is looking at him in shock and horror. He can feel the eyes of the thieves pinning him to the floor. He doesn’t move, keeps his hands behind his head, tries to speak in a steady voice despite the sickening fear clawing up his throat.

“T-take me instead. I’m—I’m more valuable. I’m the doctor—the head doctor of the ph-pharmacy. She’s just—she’s nothing. Just a—a secretary, basically.” Dom feels like it’s someone else saying the words, someone braver, someone stronger than him, his lips numb and his tongue twisting of its own accord, “So take me instead. I’ll do whatever you want j-just—just please…”

Miranda’s shaking her head slightly, mouthing “no” at him. But he can only see it out of the corner of his eye because he’s afraid if he looks directly at her, then his resolve will break and he will cry. The thieves consider for a moment as the sirens get closer.

Then the gunman pushes Miranda to the floor and strides over to grab a fistful of Dom’s hair, hauling him to his feet, “Aight, tubby, you’re our hostage now. So don’t blame us if the police getcha shot!” Dom trips over his feet, eyes watering with pain as his captor shoves him in front, keeping a tight grip on Dom’s hair and pressing the gun into his side, “Now march! We got places to be!”

Chest heaving, his entire body sick and rebelling against the pressure of the gun digging into his back, Dom fumbles his way up and aisles and out the front door. The thieves bundle him into a car, trapping him in the middle of the backseat between two of them and keeping the gun pressed against him at all times. As the engine rumbles and the car screeches away, Dom twists in his seat to look out the back window.

Miranda is running after them, her golden hair spilling out of her ponytail, her hand reaching out for him even as the car gets farther and farther away.

And then he can’t see her anymore and he slumps back into his seat, afraid and exhausted and his heart breaking.

“Ey Dominic,” Says one of the thieves and there’s a nasty sort of smile in their voice that Dom really doesn’t like. They lean in close to him, lips nearly touching his ear as they whisper,

“You rreeeaaaalllyyyy shoulda stayed away from Dr. Kearny.”

Dom has a split second to wonder how the thieves know his name before the gun goes off, incredibly and ear-splittingly loud in the confined space.

And then everything hurts.

[rouge-the-bat]

i miss hyperfixiating on she ra too. catradora ruined it for me. i genuinely despise catra cause she reminds me of my own abuse and i got incredibly upset when she got paired up with her punching bag. even before that, like around ssn 3 when catra became nasty, i got a little uncomfortable watching it. i wish they toned down the abuse themes by like... 100 notches. why couldnt it be some rivalry between ppl who beliebe theyre fighting for the right thing, why did it have to get serious by making catra an abuser?

oh well...

ah man im sorry that it ended up reminding of your abuse D: that sucks ;;

i dont think "rivalry between ppl who believe theyre fighting for the right thing" would ever really be able to fit them though, bc that applies to adora, but catra on the other hand knows the horde is fucked up, and shes standing her ground Only bc she feels adora is abandoning her for new people, while they grew up together as pretty much each others only support. and obv im not saying this as like a defense for catras actions, she did some really fucked up shit, but from a story standpoint i think it really fits for her to end up that way- from how they were raised by shadow weaver, adora shows actively putting an end to the cycle of abuse and trying to be better, while catra shows how being abused can make you continue that cycle.

my main issue was how.. fast everything in season 5 went? it felt like they were wrapping up too many things in such a short time and couldnt really give each thing the proper exploration it deserved. i feel like it should have been spread out across 2 full seasons honestly. because what i really wanted to see was catras redemption arc really being complex and not really being resolved so quickly, but it didnt much focus on all the things shes done to hurt adora before the forgiveness (frankly i saw a catra redemption arc and catradora becoming canon a mile away, i didnt really have much doubt about it happening even with how far catra was falling, i just wanted to see how they were going to go through with it). like i know catra saved glimmer, that showed to all of them that shes now trying to be a better person, but they all still like... accepted her so quickly? after everything shes done? someone becoming a better person and ending up getting forgiveness from the people they hurt is a sensitive subject to handle, and i feel like it shoulda been explored a lot more on the ship all of them were on. (i also like when things show that someone becoming better doesnt necessarily mean theyll get or deserve forgiveness, but like i said i figured they probably were going to have catradora canon so, i didnt think thatd be the route theyd go)

i love catradora myself (tbh tho my fave she ra ship is glitradorabow, poly ftw!), i like the complexities and dark turns of the relationship story-wise, and i like thinking about them just being happy together bc thats what both of them always wanted, but i think the redemption arc shoulda been drawn out more to be able to be explored more properly and have them getting together feel like things were actually resolved between them.

anyways ik this was a bit off topic(?) to what you were saying but it had made me want to talk about my own sort of complaints about the ship, despite me personally liking it. but im really sorry that the series got ruined for you by the abuse themes :(

[poresorpixels]

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)/

Halloween 5: The Revenge of

Michael Myers (1989)

gluishtuuks: return/revenge flick, Pleasence in extremis, creepy uncle, seasonal afflictive disorder, Haddonfield follies, formula soluable

This review is tougher to justify than the Ms. 45 one, which at least I hadn't seen. These two I am somewhat well acquainted with, and am pretty sure are more bad than good. Not to mention Wham City's pseudo-interactive livestreamed call-in melodrama (The Call of Warr) is back on Adult Swim for the next few days. If it's as scary, hilarious, demented and original as last year's The Cry of Mann (they even did a fantastically vapid accompanying show-about-a-show parody called Tanking Mann), then there is next to no reason to be wasting my time with these crummy sequels.

But I made this arbitrary October commitment, so I'm gonna go ahead and shovel some overdue dirt on this sorry pair and pat it down.

First of all, there's Donald Pleasence. He don't look so good. Particularly in Revenge, it seems as though the movie itself is trying to kill him as we watch on, bemused and more than a little bored. Danielle Harris is Laurie Strode's daughter Jamie, who is now a foster child, but her uncle strides past the Videodrome-for-dummies corporate death conspiracy (easily the best sequel, both because of and despite its crazy Michael-less storyline, for starters) and death itself to cut that family line. Harris was great as Furry Tom and the thorn in her McClane-redux-daddy's side in The Last Boyscout. She's solid here too, conveying more believable traumatized intensity than either film earns.

I was ten when I first got steeped in these sorts of movies, and the ruthlessly simple machinery just worked. The mockery of the more silly elements (though more so with the Friday/Elm Street movies) was often over-eager, barely containing the rising dread. That the anticipation dulls with age is a phenomenon often fixed on the viewership, but I'd argue that the blame lies more with cynically crude bottom-lining, crass presumptions of audience by the money. Horror is a genre with merit beyond watching people get butchered, but you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who'd go too far to attest to as much. No matter what you're watching, exploitation is the name of the game. But if you're producing, as is the case here, purely rote content, who can blame a viewer for glazing over till the killing starts?

Depsite some nice flourishes here and there, the Jamie saga portion of this franchise is as dull as it is anti-climactic. Particularly regarding the kills, which are all flat. The original and naturally best of the series wasn't particularly gory, but it had a lot more on the ball than anything that came after. It was working within budget constraints, but its perfect score and naturally winning cast (namely Curtis, PJ Soles and Nancy Kyes) and masterfully scored autmnal atmosphere made it work. These two films strive to recapture that original spark, but wind up feeling like drab, minor, tv movie-slight variations.

At a glance they may seem classier than the Friday the 13th stuff, but that's kind of what makes them obnoxious. They're slashers with delusions of thematic heft. The fact that they manage to stick some of their stylistic landings only seems to make this pretense worse. In Return there is a droning minimalist credit sequence comprising a series of drab, desolate country exteriors. It is a great mood setter, but when we leave these outskirt locations for the suburbs, it seems superfluous. All the best stuff happens outside of Haddonfield. Loomis gets nearly blown up at a sevice station, then hitches a ride with the boxcar hobo from Pee Wee's Big Adventure (still boozin' his cares away, but with a somehow worse singing voice and a sweet gig as a turn of the century fire and brimstone preacher). Sam actually smiles in this bit, and the unPleasence of this is mitigated by the fact that its a small relief to see the man take a brief siesta from the ceaseless wide-eyed flailing.

After that (and this holds for Revenge as well) it seems as though aping the highschool crush mini-drama of the original and endless hallucinatory false scares is supposed to suffice. Loomis would be hilarious in his stumbling mania were it not for the fact that he seems more horrific to poor Jamie than her stabby Uncle Mike. It doesn't help that, as has oft been remarked, they kept fucking with the mask to worse and worse effect, leaving one to wonder if it was ever scary to begin with. One thing's for sure, "humanizing" Michael (apparently what they were going for in Revenge) was never the fucking point! He was called "the shape" for good reason.

Even if they're roughly the same ratioed templates, Revenge squeaks ahead in the quirky teen dept. Though its anachronistic greaser boyfriend in Revenge pales in comparison to those rat-a-tat-tooie boys in the fifth Friday movie (and we have to spend considerably less time with them). But Jamie's friend (foster sister? who fuckin' cares) Tina is actually kinda charming and smarter seeming than her ditsy lines and misguided notions (including ones of neon-hearted love w/r/t the aforementioned greaser) would suggest.

Sadly, it looks like Tina's Wendy Kaplan may've never went on to anything more substantial. But here's as good a place as any to remind people that there's much more to Donald Pleasence than this babbling shrink with a gun (or the Bond villain, Blofeld). Despite having some decently budgeted technical chops (most exemplified in Jamie's nerve shredding, claustrophobic knife/laundry chute sequence in Revenge), these two are not the beat use of one's viewing time. So why not check out the 1971 film Wake In Fright? Directed by Ted Kotcheff (First Blood), its a nasty, sweaty, drunken trip set in the outback with a lively Pleasence, unhinged as you've never seen him. And if you've seen it, see it again. It's better than both of these movies combined, with a lot of room to spare.

Halloween movies ranked:

10/11

Halloween 1/2 (Rob Zombie has too much money and no/dumb ideas. shoulda just stuck with that rusty rutabega mudflap metal what made him famous)

9

Halloween: Resurrection (reality tv premise bites hard, though that similarly plotted Tales from The Crypt ep with Morton Downey Jr.* was a hoot)

8

Halloween: The Curse of MM (Paul Rudd is wonderful and all, but he cannot begin to save this tedious exercise in myth padding - but here's a clip anyway.)

7

Halloween 5 (roman numerals...

6

Halloween [2018] (I can remember nothing about this, except that I don't see myself watching it again. i guess it was loud and expensive, and wasted Judy Greer and Toby Huss. Just another cash-grab reboot nail in imagination's coffin.)

5

Halloween 4 ...are for squares, man!)

4

Halloween II (creepy enough, strangely dreary, but more than a bit sluggish)

3

H20 (the boarding school setting works and its slick cast and production values don't smooth over the grit. plus there's the weird kid from The Ice Storm that Christina Ricci deflowers)

2

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (Tom Atkins, heads exploding into bugs and snakes, mustard-bleeding robuts and a catchy jingle. Bites off more than it manages to chew, but in an uncommonly satisfying way)

1

Halloween (best John Carpenter film after The Thing and one of the best horror films period)

* "Television Terror"/S02/E16/1990

[poursomesunaonme]

hi here to scream into the void (read if u want)

so i went to visit my sister and go to a concert tonight and i was planning on spending the night with her. its the first concert that ive gotten tickets for since i went to ACL in 2018 and covid and stuff so i was way pumped. my sister had seen this guy 5 times before and was telling me about how good it was gonna be.

for a bit of context, i went to visit her for my birthday and she got wayyyy fucked up (mind you i was also making up for a quarantine birthday so that shoulda been me😤) and we had to go home bc she couldnt function.

so tonight we go visit friends of hers and are drinking there and we have dinner then head back to her place. we get ready and are like we dont want to have too much once we get to the venue bc we wanna remember the concert obvi.

and so we get there and she gets us drinks and one of her friends meets us and she starts saying some outta pocket shit about me and my other sister. like saying stuff about how i had the perfect boyfriend but broke up with him (with a condescending “i know you have your reasons”) and that was really the precursor to how the night was gonna go.

so we see people we know and we’re all talking in a group, we get another drink and after that i tapped out bc i knew it was hitting my limit. but she gets another one and this is where shit really starts spiraling.

not even halfway through this drink, she can barely stand. like when i tell yall i was literally holding her up by the back of her dress… embarrassing. and thank god that was during the opener bc then we went outside to see if fresh air would help any. her walk was veering severely so i got her an uber. but before the driver could get there, she got up and ran her ass inside like ???

so i was like whatever, we follow her and the show starts. shes groping on whatever man she can find and im trying to rip her away bc obvi these nasty pigs are gonna get the wrong idea bc shes BLASTED. and so im yelling at her bc im pissed the fuck off, like youve seen him before, dont ruin my experience bc i have to babysit you.

and then shes like i dont want you bitching at me all night and then leaves the spot im at so at that point i just give up. theres a lot more to the story, like moshing and anxiety bc astroworld and i didnt know where she was but i knew that she wouldnt be able to support herself. i told my other sister that i m actually enjoyed maybe 3 songs out if the hour and a half long set.

so i ended up going back to her place, packing my shit, and leaving to drive an hour and a half in the middle of the night back to school.

it’s just so frustrating to me because i really thought that it was going to be different from my birthday, that she wouldnt be selfish enough to ignore the boundaries she obviously knows. i just dont want to take care of her like a literal child. and i get that that sounds awful but when someone is six years older than you whose usually perfectly capable of daily activities needs you to undress her, it’s scary. like her pride blocks her from getting the help she needs.

it’s all overwhelming and tiring for me, so i’m really hoping that it might fuel me positively in my writing rn, just using it as an escape yk bc i do not want to speak to her in the slightest.

anyway thats all, thanks for reading if you did❤️

[hxseok-honee]

Give me a bunch of random ass questions

IM FUCKIN CACKLING YOU AINT WASTING TIME HUH-

galaxy- my mom has always called me Sel, one of my closest friends calls me Iceland, my best friend calls me Dumbass, and recently i have earned Sela from @hoseokbubu my best twt friend

aquarius- languages!! i may be a math major but the one thing i truly love learning about is languages

aquila- tbhhhhh books, like i dont reach as much as i used to but theres so much potential w books. You can get lost in books, but tbh youre kinda stuck w the movie ya feel - i still stand by the fact that each harry potter movie shoulda been like 5 hours long just so all the detail could be covered (ginny deserved better yall)

pisces bc im in a mood rn- he’s the biggest fuckin dork ive ever met in my life. when we met i actually hated him. we were in the same intro lit class, my first day of college. he was wearing these fuckboi ass chinos and a pink (”it’s salmON BITCH”) polo (yes he still owns it, yes i still hate it) , he was the epitome of frat boy. he was rude, he was bratty, he was arrogant. he was a shitty friend. but ive always given people too many chances. i kept him in my life because he was really kind to me when we were alone, he would buy my lunch when i was too broke to go out w him, he would stop at my dorm and check on me when i didnt go to class. he was a good kid. but if his friends were around it was like he didnt know me. he wouldnt look at me, he wouldnt sit near me, he wouldnt acknowledge my existence. eventually i told him i was tired of him and that smth had to change, and he told me. that he was scared of not being cool enough, that he wanted to have a lot of fratty friends bc theres so many of them and he had never really had friends, he wanted people he could always sit with in the dining hall bc he was afraid of being alone. so i stayed. i stayed when his fake ass friends didnt. i stayed when he called me crying in the middle of the night because he was homesick. and then he changed. we ate lunch together every day (publicly! omg shocker), we studied together, we passed our classes together. we were inseparable. still kind of are. when my mental health essentially left me, he was there to chase after it and kept it in place while i worked on loving myself again. when i would disappear for days he was blowing up my roommate’s phone trying to reach me. when i broke down in the middle of the quad after my math professor told me i would never be good enough, he found me and kept me from doing something stupid. he eventually opened up to me and made sure i knew he wasnt going anywhere. he kept me safe, he told me when i was being stupid (every single day), he made sure i ate and dragged me out of the library when he found out i started pulling all-nighters. we finished our first year like that. and then our second year. the exact same way. i had a boyfriend my first year, and when that guy dumped me, i played it off like it was fine and i was okay, but this bitch has always known me and the way i hide myself, so he showed up at my dorm demanding that i come hang out with him for the night. and when that guy showed up again in my life second year trying to act like he still wanted me, this shy ass kid was next to me having a ‘conversation’ with a guy like 4 inches taller than him bc he knew i was upset by it. we facetime every weekend in the summers, and have text threads that make absolutely no fucking sense to anyone else. he knows my parents because i live close to school, and ive become friends with his roommates and have daily “roast our favorite dumbass” sessions with his girlfriend. he’s my favorite egg-headed fuckboi, and he has all my baby pictures for blackmail when i dont do what he says. hes my best friend, hes my “son”, and i will always adore him with all my heart, even if he still has those nasty ass chinos and spends all his money on things he doesnt need because hes a san francisco born and raised boujee bitch. here’s to hoping third year is just as good

OOPS THAT WAS A LOT OKAY BYE THANKS FOR REQUEST

[irwen-s]

ok i'm back and WHEW sol!!! much to discuss...

QUEENDOM. i missed them so much...rv my beloveds ☺️ ngl the title track is not my fav (itll probably grow on me) but tracks 3-6 slap!! also sidenote about the irene dyed hair discussion: i think she never dyes her hair both bc of her brand deals but also i remember her saying she just prefers her natural hair colour. apparently she hated her purple hair during russian roulette era (luvies around the world being like 😭 at that)

anyways moving on...i love ur gyulwon arranged marriage au sm..the potential for worldbuilding and character studies is unmatched. what u said about gyuri coming from a traditional family but living in a time where there are more liberal ideas and her feeling conflicted bc of that..i can imagine gyuri being all soft alpha and subverting traditional a/o expectations when she's alone with jiwon but then feeling really pressured to act the part of the overly dominant alpha when they're out in public. i wonder how they would handle that 👀

now on to the 2jirom..thank you for feeding all 5 of us 2jirom fans lmaooo but it was So Good..'"she’s so small, but always manages to take the both of us completely . . . ”' [ceases to function] bye idk what to say bc im still processing but you did such a good job balancing the filth and the soft...it was dirty but like,, theyre not complete without the three of them together.. 😭 i love this trio and i will not stop pushing the 2jirom agenda

also i very much agree with your jisun pretty cock hc..i am Looking. if u have more to say do share with the class - here is my contribution: jiwon obviously being the needy omega she is and always wanting to be surrounded by both of her alphas..often times she gets this intense desperation that only really gets quelled by the feeling of being filled to the brim. so she can get a little obsessed w romsun's cocks (saerom likes to tease her about it bc she gets this adorable glazed-over look in her eyes when she's desperate to be filled). However the real truth is that saerom is more obsessed with jisun's cock than jiwon is, and not even always in an overtly sexual way..she just thinks it's so Pretty to look at and she can't help herself so she just has to reach out and touch it..which is when things escalate. sometimes she sneaks in on jisun when she's taking a shower, claiming that they'll get ready faster if they shower together, but the second saerom's hand curls around her hip, jisun knows it's gonna be a long shower. but maybe not...because saerom sinks to her knees with a deceptively innocent look in those doe eyes and says, "don't worry, unnie will take care of you,". she presses a kiss right at the sensitive spot on the inside of her thigh, and jisun fails to suppress the breathy whine that echoes embarrassingly off the bathroom walls. she hopes none of the others can hear them. "you never take long when it's with me, do you?" saerom's little giggle before she takes jisun fully into her mouth has her groaning and tipping her head back

WHEW

- flover anon

flover anon!!!! i havent seen you in my inbox in a while!! shoulda known youd show back up on queendom day ahahha

but yeah omg i finally got around to watching the music video after having the album on loop all day; its so fucking good im kinda just shfhjdjfjdjjfdg. i dont know what my songs ranked in order of favourites is yet but i literally love every song on the album???? like wow jesus they really destroyed it this comeback im so glad for them

also YEAH about irenes hair thats what i recall reading as well; and definitely the thing about her purple hair too HAHAHAHA how she hated it in reality

gyuri having to play the part of a domineering over controlling alpha in public cause thats all she knows . . . and in front of jiwon . . . [pain]

“all 5 of us 2jirom fans” CRYING we need to add more people to the agenda ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡ also im glad you liked it!!! i know its a struggle for me to really write, , , like, , , *deep* nasty stuff since thats kinda unappealing to me but im glad it appears i balanced my soft style with the dirty smoot part ehehe

and yeah i tried to focus the writing so its not Just a relationship where two alphas cater to their omega but like an actually healthy one where saerom and jisun take care of each other and need each other too!

that being said i HATE the image youve put into my head now . . . based off that jisun headcanon that i myself started . . . like fuck. saerom being more obsessed with jisuns cock than jiwon is feels SO right like omfg and how its not even just a sexual thing she genuinely finds it so pretty and wants to touch it all the time im crying

to the point where saerom loves sucking jisun off and taking her into her mouth, just cupping jisun in her hands and pumping her with pure reverence. and all jisun can do is bite her knuckles and try not to buckle as saerom takes her down her throat. just. goodbye, fucking hell

i cant . . . okay maybe after im done with all my prompts i will write this . . . god i cant oh my god

also to complete the 2jirom triangle since it seems like saerom tends to take care of jisun, and jisun takes care of jiwon, i headcanon that jiwon is actually able to have the most sway over saerom. like jiwon and jisun are the same age so their dynamic is different, but saerom is older than the both of them and she gets super soft for her members, especially jiwon—who shed do almost anything for, and jiwon is just sometimes able to take advantage of that. basically similar to the idea that saeroms more likely to indulge her than jisun is ahaha

[punkscowardschampions]

Indie & Rio

Indie: E aí? Indie: when are you done? Rio: Just getting into the last painful hour Rio: cleaning tables and putting up chairs so people take the hint as we speak Rio: what you saying babe Indie: can you be here sooner Indie: cos your hubz is Rio: ??? Rio: are you on crack Rio: who Indie: im being the hostest with the most for him but not that extra Indie: 😂 Indie: Ry's in our yard Rio: what does he want? Indie: 💋💘💍 Indie: you bitch Rio: But actually, why is he there? Indie: reckon's he owes you 💰💰💰 Rio: Right Rio: Tell him he can leave it with you, that's cool Rio: He doesn't need to stay Indie: tried it but he's only gonna put in in your ✋ Indie: got no trust for mine like 😂 Indie: he's all good got him tea & a toke going Rio: Fuck's sake Rio: I'm coming home Rio: give me 5 to sort it Indie: don't be vexed Indie: it's chill Indie: hes down to wait Rio: I'm not at you Rio: It's fine, I'm coming Indie: Safe Indie: hes got a hook up for something sick sounding tonight and he wants to take us Rio: No Rio: It'll be lame, trust Rio: Not happening Indie: he's got no reason to do us dirty, wants to make amends Rio: Regardless Rio: you wanna party with your ex all night? Rio: nah Indie: ex for a reason, yeah? I feel it Indie: dry but ✌ Rio: you've got plenty other parties you can hit Indie: & my own wasteman ex im trying to swerve Indie: me and him gonna hit it without you wifey Indie: gutted Rio: ⛔ Rio: do not Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: he's giving me a ride im not giving him one, relax Rio: Indie, I'm serious Indie: is it? Rio: Yeah Rio: deadass Rio: why would he wanna party with a random kid? not cool he even invited you Indie: rude Indie: cos im me Indie: what's your beef? I get that he owned you when he ditched but like thats ancient Rio: yeah and who are you to him Rio: it's weird Rio: that ain't how it was remotely but yeah, it's ancient so it doesn't even matter Indie: 🤷🤷 Indie: bait but what do i care for his reasons a ride's a ride Indie: just trying to go somewhere hectic i ain't been Rio: i'll take you somewhere myself Rio: you don't need to go anywhere with him Indie: 💖💖👑👑💖💖 Indie: shit man ele está bolado we're out of these plans Indie: some manz can't handle their 🚬 innit Rio: Shit Rio: I'm omw Rio: do you want me to talk to him, see if he'll wait outside Indie: I got this Indie: boy just needs to kotch for a sec Rio: Not his vibe Rio: if he comes around again don't let him in alright Indie: 🚭 should be his vibe Indie: he's a madness 😂 Rio: I been knew Rio: and I been saying Indie: I hear you wifey Indie: my bad Rio: It ain't your fault Rio: s'all good Indie: gotta get your 💰 tho Indie: can't bounce him out Rio: honestly it's not important Rio: only ever has like 10% of what I'm owed if that Indie: I'll switch on him too then Indie: Slam that door before you come through like Indie: 👼 Rio: Don't get him raging Rio: just go to your room, I'll deal Indie: girl please Indie: this is my drum he can get out Rio: i'm ringing him Indie: watch me 📞 Drew if he keeps acting up ✌ Rio: Not mad about it Rio: rather someone was there with you Rio: what a day to take fucking luas in Indie: babe dont get shook this wasteman ain't gonna do no thing to me Rio: better safe than sorry init Indie: I've belled the man, he's on his way too Indie: It's all good, trust Rio: 🙌✌ Rio: Good Indie: so rinsed, boy making everything long and me look 👶 Indie: vexing me Indie: 😒😒😒 Rio: he's a twat Rio: i'm sorry Indie: not on you Indie: i shouldn't have let him in Rio: you didn't know how bad he is Rio: shouldn't be the deal it is Indie: why didnt you clue me in? Indie: handling it all solo i know you're a bad bitch Ri but Indie: whats your girl for? 💖 Rio: Like you said, so old news init Indie: nah cos he coming to our door now Indie: pass the news on if he hung up still Rio: I didn't reckon on his going that hard Rio: woulda put up a do not serve poster otherwise like Indie: 😂 Indie: I'll knock one up while im waiting Indie: need to get ourselves a Taz bitch Rio: Awh Rio: So cute Rio: I'll start looking Rio: gotta remember to feed the thing tho Indie: when i feed me ill feed it Rio: not that often Rio: 😂 Rio: call it munchies Indie: 😍😍 Indie: that'd be sick Indie: we gotta Rio: motivate me to work out more Rio: we'll look forreal Indie: teach it to sniff out where I've left my stash Indie: never lose it down the back of the chair again Rio: 😂 yeah Drew'll be buzzing, own personal drug dog taking him down at the door, like Indie: gimme that fair warning when he rolling in so I can get the lads out Rio: as long as those lads ain't ryan i'm down for the cause 😏 Indie: nah nah nah Indie: dont do 2nds & he ain't that he's like 4ths or some shit Indie: extreme exes are no mood Rio: No one needs that in their life Rio: 🤢 Indie: can we forreal go out tonight though Indie: ill hit up drew for spends when he shows Rio: Sure Rio: at least he's given me time to get properly ready Rio: thanks for that at least, dickhead Indie: you gotta bring that 🔥🔥 baby Indie: make him cry so Drew don't have to Rio: 🙄 bitch always crying Rio: gurl, if I end up looking as bomb as your daddy, the whole world gon' know Indie: 😂😂 Indie: let's get him lifted from the 24, fucking tourist behavior Indie: get in Drew's boot & dont come out boy Rio: ugh Rio: so ideal Indie: [sends pics of outfits] Indie: which you vibing? Indie: gotta make my own former realize he shoulda treated me 110 Rio: Hell yes, baby! Always and as standard, like 👊💗 Rio: Ooh, I fuck with that black top with the cut out and hoop vibes Rio: not seen that before, defs wear that 💣 Indie: haha i taxed it the other day Rio: 🤙 sick choice babe Indie: my garms gotta cos my hair ain't Indie: wtf is up Rio: i gotchu Rio: won't even hit you upside the head with the brush if you backchat me Indie: you could try sis 💪 Rio: easy Rio: enough fighting for one night yeah 😂 Indie: we'll see what drew's gotta say 😂 Rio: Got his uses Rio: imagine my Da like Rio: 😂 Indie: Bake him a nice pie or some kinda ting Indie: merk him with tasty good Rio: Bless him Rio: Right, omw up Indie: come through Indie: you're sweet your ex didn't smoke me all out Rio: owe drew big time Rio: can give you a party but what am i gonna do for him Indie: start him a tab at work he'd be down Rio: Not the worst idea Indie: innit Indie: need a drink when your missus like that Rio: Bless Rio: not seeing it for either of 'em but go off Indie: forreal wtf man Rio: history init Rio: not keeping it where it should be Indie: my ma's history too but he ain't still pinning for her Indie: its a madness Rio: maybe he is, who knows where his head's ever at Rio: might make it work, like i said, don't see it but Indie: 😂 me bitch & nah he ain't never wanted her when he did have her innit Indie: same for this wife of his Rio: Valid Rio: Try someone new, like, God Rio: Life outside the 24, I know, shocker 😏 Indie: Get them drinks down him & see if he can't be convinced like Rio: 😈 Rio: Soz Auntie Rio: Ma swinging for me, like Indie: be doing her a solid Indie: you'll see when he's free with his chat how he always gets after a few Indie: no 😇 that man Rio: Boy, no one made you get back with her! Rio: It's wild Rio: Truly, now she's babied up and wants to be wifed too like 🙄 Rio: Messy Indie: she likes them wild innit Indie: out here vibing with his mess somehow Rio: we all been there, babe Rio: unexpected freak in the sheets ick Rio: 😬🤢 Indie: thats nasty Indie: like we been knew but we didn't wanna Indie: always them peeps on the low Indie: & me cant get a boy to stay linked w me Rio: putting me to shame okay Rio: rude 😂 Rio: oh baby, don't repeat her mistakes Rio: have fun whilst you're young, don't need NO chains 'less they 💎 Indie: 💔💔💔💔 Indie: sick of them copping on me though then they coming through like thats how i want it Indie: casual don't mean you get to cheat on me rudeboy Rio: 😥 forget them Rio: you gon' have fun tonight Rio: ex who like? Indie: watch me doing the most cos i not at your side 24/7 thats how i do casual Indie: tonight will be lit and so will i Indie: no drama Rio: 🙌 that's what i like to hear Rio: believe it Indie: ✌✌✌

[cheerysociopath-blog]

Drabble#5

Shellie was three years my junior, three times the person I could ever be, and thrice ‘betrayed’ by me: or at least that was the word she was putting on the situation, though I beg to differ. I always did when it came to her arguments, but that’s because she had a way of always making me out to be Public Enemy #1.

Guess that’s all part of the age thing though, right? Obviously being younger, she knows better, but she sure did have the intelligence to maybe be right at least half the time... it was just how she went about it. I didn’t appreciate her blowing things out of proportion, a nasty habit she had concerning me. That time was no different.

Smoking in her kitchen, her back against the sink, and her brown hair tied tightly atop her head as usual. Her hairline was growing patchy at that stage from the style, because she hated having her hair down. Complained it made her face greasy and so ruined her make-up.

“I shoulda known better than to fuckin’ trust you; what the fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck would you ever keep your promises?”

“I never promised anythin’. If I did, we wouldn’t be here... I don’t break my promises,” I said quietly, spreading jam over my toast. It was near enough dinner-time but I’d only been awake about four hours so technically it was breakfast-time for me. My stomach was about ready to eat after a sinister hang-over had moved on.

When I looked up, she was regarding me coolly. She can’t argue with me on that one, and she can’t argue that she really should have forced me to promise her. “You told me you wouldn’t do this shit to me again.”

“It’s HARDLY anythin’ to do with you, now is it?”

Another puff of her fag, preparing herself, and she glares at me. “Oh, isn’t it?” she asked sarcastically.

I sighed, sitting back in the stool. “Alright then; let’s hear it. I know you have a speech lined up and I bet it’s a real good’un.” I ran my hands through my hair and pretended this was all white noise, which it kinda was really. All things considered, I hadn't murdered anyone. This was all drama and I hadn’t any need nor desire for it.

“What’s the point?” She surprised me, stubbing her fag out angrily so it’s mashed in the ashtray between us on the island counter. “What is the fuckin’ point with you, Fonzie, eh? Tell me.”

“Beck,” I corrected. She only ever called me that when she wanted to get under my skin in petty revenge.

“DICK,” she fired back venomously. Unable to help herself, she takes a deep breath, folding her arms at me. “I am SICK TO DEATH of playin’ piggy-in-the-middle between you and my mates. I’m SICK of you sleezin’ all over ‘em and just breakin’ their hearts! You think I LIKE that you treat all my mates like your own personal wank-bank?”

“Please,” I nearly gag. “I never promised you OR them anythin’! They’re your mates, why don’tcha warn ‘em if it’s such a big issue?”

“You think I don’t? Pfft! Like they LISTEN. Noooooo, there’s no makin’ ‘em see through MR PERFECT.” She pauses. “EVERY time you say you’ll leave me and MY mates alone, and EVERY time you don’t! I’m tired of bein’ your fuckin’ secretary! It’s always ME that has to pick up the pieces!”

“So don’t answer their calls or whatever,” I shrug.

“Oh, like you do, you mean?” She huffs. “You know, FOR ONCE I just wish you were... I dunno, NORMAL? TRUSTWORTHY? Nearly all my fuckin’ life, I’ve been pickin’ up pieces after you and shit. What thanks do I get? That time you pressured me in to hidin’ weed for you, and when the pigs came sniffin’, I had to fuckin’ go down to the STATION and only for my age, I was let off with a fine! Did YOU help me pay it? Noooooo, of course not.”

I was turned off eating at that stage so I got up, grabbing my coat and ignoring her. We didn’t need to re-hash the past, again, the same way we always do when she gets going. “I’d really love to stay and explore your feelin’s, buuuut... at the same time, I don’t. So can we just pretend I’m sorry, you’re sorry, and we’re okay? Okay.”

“Ever since Mum went, I just feel like I’m the mother. I feel like you give me shit and don’t care,” she shouted as she watched me and that... that was uncalled for.

I kicked the stool so it thumped across the floor and I help up a hand in warning for her to shut the fuck up. “DO. NOT. Yeah, Mum was a Saint, and yeah, I’m no angel. But DO NOT fuckin’ bring her in to this. Not after the last time, alright, because... just don’t. Because Mum wouldn’t get all in a tizzy over this, so don’t play the victim with me.”

Shellie took a deep breath. “I’m done. I just... I can’t do this anymore. I’ve had it.” She began marching across the room for her bedroom, but she stopped herself, whirling to glare at me with tears in her eyes. “No, yanno what? I’m not walkin’ away. I mean it this time,” she said decisively in a voice barely held together. Staring coldly up at me, she gave a shrug. “That’s it. I can't handle this anymore and yanno what? I shouldn’t have to. So I’m finished with you.” A harsh gesture of her hands as her jaw tightened. “Either you learn to fuckin’ respect me or you don’t ever come back here. No calls, no letters when you’re away. Nothin’. I wash my hands.”

I’m speechless and I can’t move. All I can do is stare at her in stunned silence. Strangely I don’t feel sorry or regret. All I feel is bitterness that after the more traumatic things in the past, she’s casting me off just because a couple of girls got an idea in their heads about some happy ending. And all because things didn’t work out, the way things sometimes go, I’m suddenly the bad guy. Huh.

Shellie stands aside and gestures to the door. “Leave, please.”

I scoff but one look tells me she really, really means it this time. I roll my eyes, grinding my teeth as I feel like screaming at her that she’s just being a drama-queen and basically picking her mates’ over me. I feel angry, unfairly punished, and basically like I want to punch her and straighten her nose for her. But I don’t. I’d never do that. I shove past her, slamming the door behind me as I leave, and tell myself this isn’t for real. That in a couple of days she’ll calm down and get in touch.

But that was the last time I saw her. Once I realized she meant it, I couldn’t get over my pride and contact her myself, so that was it. My half-sister from another mister exited my life. And yeah, maybe now I can see the error of my ways and maybe admit that while a part of me was just horny, a bigger part of me was just messing with her mates in order to piss her off. As big brothers do I suppose; only I was a horrible brother, and now I ain’t her brother at all. Officially. I was more like a bully... but that’s what big brothers do, right? Not that I ever held any real affection for her... nor her with me actually; both of us never really let each other forget that we were half-siblings, that my dad was some deadbeat and her dad was some hero for taking me and Mum in, and blessing Mum with his seed to produce this so-called paragon of humanity.

Last I heard she was married with a sprog on the way. Hope the guy’s good to her. Hope they’re still together and got a shit-ton of kids. Hope when she talks about me, if she talks about me, that she doesn’t fucking call me Fonzie.

[stress-bob]

HERE WE GO

Ok. Worked out, cleaned my room, paid credit card payment, paid rent, posted my probably-wont-make-progress-but-maybe progress picture, and smoked a bowl. My body is ready.

So I was talking about what happened around the time Dea and I broke up recently with a friend, and made me think that it’s been awhile since i’ve sorted through it. Figured why not put as much as I can remember down ~a year and a half later.

Buckle up buttercup,This gonna be looooooooong.

My order of things might be a little muddled, there was a lot going on at the same time.

So let’s back up to before we actually broke up!

For about a year prior I was getting real stressed out about my job. I was in a customer service position working for her Dad actually. He owned a Diesel shop, and had a Company owner in Italy who he was buddies with. Marco (italy guy), asked him to set up a place in the US to service his customer base.

I was going to college at the time, and decided I didn’t want to pass up a really interesting opportunity. I’m mostly glad I did. Anyway, I dropped out to work full time here and ended up making some good money. Most of what I did was answer phone calls and help people solve issues (99.9% of the time they caused) . At some point we started going to trade shows, and that was super super fun. I would fly out, set up a pop up tent and the whole shebang.

I was also sent to Mexico two different times for something similar. Except this one, it was with our distributor who was huge. They took their top 100 dealers on a “land cruise” (used to be an actual one, but they do resorts now), and about 25 manufacturers would pay ~20k to fund and attend this. During 3 of the 6 days, the 100 dealers would be set up at tables or 5. Basically think of speed dating. We’d each go around and give a 30 minute pitch about our product to these guys, answer questions, etc. I believe it was 4-5 hours each of the 3 days. You’d think an introvert like me would have a hard time with that, but it was actually a BLAST.

So what was the issue with the job?

Two big things. Dea’s dad (Rip), and a co worker of mine. I worked with a buddy of mine Adam, and he was fantastic. But we had this other co worker who was an old hick from Idaho (buddy of Rip’s) who was to handle our forum and some online stuff. For most of the time I worked with him it was fine. At some point he got really nasty. We had our own forum going on, and a buddy of his helped set it up for us. There were a lot of stupid things that happened surrounding that.

So eventually he’s outright hurling insults at me basically daily on the private side of this form (for a WHILE), and Rip wouldn’t do shit about it. On top of that, Rip had his own shitshow of a shop to run on top of it, and he’s old and tired. But he wouldn’t really give us the autonomy we needed so we could prioritize and get things done with what we had. We can’t be expected to try to learn fucking SEO while answering calls, updating the website, doing sales etc etc infinity fucking etc. Too much do be done with two people, and it was all expected to be done.

Eventually I was donezos, sent him a longwinded 2000 word email about exactly what I had problems with and why i was leaving (prob still have it).

So during the culmination of my work bullshit, that’s when Dea and I’s problems are starting to come to a crossroad. To be completely fair with myself, this was a long time coming. Tbh not sure exactly how long, but it probably should have been over before this went down.

We’ve always had communication problems. I think fundamentally we just don’t understand each-other well. Sure we both could have pointed out a lot of habits and what each would have done in certain situations, things we liked. But that’s not really the type of understanding i’m talking about.

The first time I realized something might happen is when she asked me about how I felt about polyamory. It’s something I had thought about before, because other women are definitely attractive. But with how long we’d been together, I knew it would bring up a lot of really jealous feelings that wouldn’t be pretty. So when she asked, I answered pretty matter-of-factly that it wasn’t going to work for me.

Looking back she was watching a lot of shows about poly life around this time, fun tidbit.

I wouldn’t say this answer upset her necessarily....but she was clearly idk, put off? Maybe disappointed.

IIRC she eventually asked again, and my answer remained the same. I think this was what spurred the discussion of “I don’t know if this what I want”. I did know what I wanted. She didn’t. What else can I do but wait until she does figure it out? I’m not that type of person that’s going to try and influence her. I could have tried to convince her she would be happy if she stayed or some bullshit. I loved her, and if not being with me is the way it needs to be? Them’s the breaks. I was also so SO tired emotionally. I had nothing left to give at that point.

So she breaks up with me. I think I left to walk to 7-11 at this point, because I needed a break. I don’t actually remember that well. I wasn’t around her right then, regardless. Maybe we were in our room when we broke up. Anyway Not that long after she breaks up with me(5 mins, half hour?), she’s crying and didn’t want to break up.

And of course I didn’t either. That lasted about a month, and she does it for real. Now here’s where the fun stuff started!

Sometime before or shortly after this I found out my Mom has an autoimmune disease that will kill her sooner or later. It’s very possible this is what her contributed to her mom dying when I was 8. So scary stuff yeah?

I quit my job, because FUCK that noise. It was too much.

I stayed living in the same house, but different room. Big mistake. I trusted her ability to communicate too much. Not that mine was stellar (we’ll get into this).

My parents divorce. Which hey, go be happy Mom! Again, sorry Dad, them’s the breaks. Happened to me to not even a month prior. But no, they both decided to be giant shitters. I think my Mom definitely did worse things to him, and to the family. He definitely said some nasty shit too though.

My mom decides to encourage my dad to go visit some family in Ohio (maybe he was thinking about it already? he reconnected with them recently at this point). By the time he comes back, she has a “friend” staying in the house. I feel like she said he was just staying for a while. Well my dad aint dumb, and this is the guy that has been in love with my mom forever, apparently.

She lied to the family a bunch, introduced my sisters kid to Frank even though she SPECIFICALLY told her not to. Her fucking kid’s grandparents split up. Shes like 7 for fucks sake. My sister was LIVID. Like didn’t let my mom see her granddaughter for many months livid. It’s hard to get that trust back. On top of lying to my sister plenty etc etc.  I don’t even want to get into frank right now.

I also had about 9 grand saved up at this point, and decided to not work for awhile and take care of my mental state. I literally could not work anymore after the breakup, and my parents bullshit. Another side note, but a root canal decided to cost me $1500 out of pocket a few months in. Probably like $2k total with the other stuff. Great timing, life. I think I was doing a “staycation” for like, 8 months? ish?

So here I was, jobless (had $$ tho tbf), freshly broken up with, super fucking depressed, stuck in the middle of my parents bullshit when i don’t even have enough for myself (and i’m a grown ass fucking adult too)[[, and just generally lost. Really really lost.

I just remembered. Something that made me pretty angry at the time (guess what leads to resentment?). Very shortly after we broke up, Jordan (the good friend he is), decides to try and set up a guys night for me at john’s house (jordan lived with karis at this point). Of course the bros say “hell yeah!” as they are wonderful. We invite Dex too, because why not?

The time rolls around, Jordan can’t go. Dex does show up at some point. Here’s what happened: Dea was really hurt because people were all getting together to make me feel better, i guess? I don’t remember the wording but....i think she felt like nobody was being her friend in that moment I guess? It was her home alone. And for context we got together every saturday for years pretty much, so I do kinda get it. She was also actually pretty mad at Dex because he showed up. She didn’t invite ANYBODY to do anything. So Jordan had to stay with Karis to comfort her, basically.

Like dude. YOU broke up with me. I get it was also really hard for you too, but put the shoe on the other foot for a goddamned second and consider how I felt in all this. Also consider I didn’t set any of this up. Also consider that you didn’t tell anybody that you needed a friend. I did. Don’t get mad at us for this, fuck.

Here’s where the “this-is-why-i-shoulda-moved-out” happens.

Let me say this up front. I expected Dea to bring back dates. This was definitely part of the deal of still living there. I get it. And I did figure she will be comfortable finding someone sooner, given the poly thing.

She brought someone over about 2 months after we broke up, and had mentioned nothing about this.

Now how this played out, was the night before she says “Hey i’m gonna have a friend over tomorrow”. I just say ok. Didn’t really matter because I didn’t have anywhere I could just go on moments notice like that. Coupla days to figure it out woulda been nice, thanks.

Turns out, it’s a dude that been over before. He was Taylors husband (they were poly before they split) who was at our holloween party like half a year before. To top it off, I got to hear the wonderful sounds of them having sex down the hall. Fucking thanks for that. Happened twice too.

You just shut down yeah? Or maybe that’s just me. How am I supposed to feel 2 months after breaking up a 9 year, third of my fucking life relationship, and within 2 months you’re banging a dude while i’m like 2 rooms over AND CAN HEAR YOU. And a dude that’s been over before for the cherry. FUCK man. I still get a little animated about that one.

Those were the big things. A great way to wrap up the whole burrito though? Dex and I were both given 1 months notice to leave from Rip. MY understanding of the local law was that 2 months is required if you’ve been month to month for more than 1 year (6 years...). He didn’t care, or knew I wouldn’t lawyer up. Whatever. The last and final fuck you was the day I went to get the rest of my shit. BEFORE the time on the notice, the locks were changed. Here I am, at 8 in the morning with a U haul we rented, and we can’t get in the house to get my stuff. What. The. Flying. Fuck.

I sure as shit wasn’t going to talk to Dea at ALL at this point, so I called him and he came down. And he sat there the entire time waiting for us and doing bills. Jesus fuck dude. Like, you think i’m gonna murder your daughter or something ffs?

I think I got most of it. I’ve got some stuff with my current living situation, but it’s really peanuts compared to everything else. I‘m also like, idk fairly happy right now too in general so. I’ve grown a lot, and that gives me some comfort.

[mamonthemoon]

So about the 5 of CUPS.  I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things.  I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone.  It is SO great to have a computer again.  I am blessed, I am thankful.  I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy.  Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night.  Not like the others.  A good thing.  She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself.  Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen.  So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush.  I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong.  I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people.  I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year.  I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved.  In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here.  Ayla is the only reason I love.  It is true.  I never loved before her.  I never loved until I became a mother.  And I loved everyone with that love, too.  Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN.  Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it.  It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace.  She is everything.  She is my teacher.  She is SO beautiful.  And I cant stand to see her cry without crying.  That image is burned in my brain.  I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well.  I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home.  I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection.  BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY.  I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me.  I have been unable to attain a living situation.  And it is SO frustrating.  I believe things can get better.  I believe in me.  I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition.  I have been working very hard to be strong.  I have worked very hard to be sober.  Worked to be creative.  Worked to be spiritually sound.  Worked to have greater understanding.  And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc.  It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay.  I am happy.  I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect.  I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure.  I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently.  Im used to it!!!!!!  I accept it.  My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway.  The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard.  Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake.  I feel awful after I eat.  I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again.  I hate eating.  Yet, Im always hungry now it seems.  My weight is 115.  Im on track, perfect weight.  Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan.  Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something.  Ill have to check.  The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”.  It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive.  So happy inside.  I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla.  So forgiveness is there.  I needed THEIR love.  Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey.  No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad.  But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani.  I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her.  She is truly ahead of her time.  I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter.  Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani.  It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money.  What I can do, is be there for them in other ways.  In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are.  It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too.  And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically.  I have to reiterate that.  She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her.  I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me.  I have struggled with the selfishness of that.  I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him.  IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing.  The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke.  I am still struggling.  Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down.  Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey.  Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally.  I know this.  Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge.  Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen.  Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect.  That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote.  I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away.  It must make it off the page and into something shareable.  I write too much to keep throwing it away.  It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it.  Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing.  it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled.  I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up.  but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else.  I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad.  Its really simple when you realize.  You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really.  I still do it.  I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for.  I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader...  i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt.