#& thats to say nothing of the doctors ive found

[horce-divorce]

if your state even has a Planned Parenthood that does HRT- Michigan doesn't for example, but Wisconsin does- you're also likely to have to rely on a center that has limited funding and therefore, the WORST possible hours. The only 2 PPs around here are both an hour from us in opposite directions. One is only open Tuesdays 9-5. The other one is open Thursdays and Fridays 9-5.

I have 1 dose of testosterone left. I usually take it on Tuesdays. I was supposed to have taken my last dose already. My pharmacy won't refill my T right now, probably because they can't reach my doctor- not until Tuesday! At least in Mich they'd refill me 4 bottles at a time, ahead of time. Here they give me 2 and I have to refill it the DAY OF!!!!!! What the FUCK!!!!!

This is just one of those access barriers I never see anyone discussing. Medicaid covers it here and in Michigan, but good luck actually finding someone to order and/or fill your prescription, and good luck getting refills on time! And so many people are just like "oh you want hormones? Just go to PP!" Like that's not already a multiple hours long drive on top of all the other barriers (I do not live in the city)

Anyway I've been having endo flares bc I can't fucking take my T regularly under these conditions, and Bel has also been dysregulated and not taking his T for the same reasons. I hate it here

[sweetreliever]

i'm right here, baby - c.s

in which ~ harper attempts to end her life and chris saves her before it's too late (happy ending!)

warnings ~ self harm, ed, death threats, mentions of death, hospitals, needles, anxiety, (whatever triggers)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

chris was never a boyfriend who ignored your own thoughts and feelings, instead he'd think your own was better than his.

for example, he said he wanted to have a steak dinner, but that didn't strike your fancy, so he told nick to turn the grill off and save the steak for later.

or, when he didn't want taylor swift but remembered you're a huge fan, so he told matt to turn on "long live"

but today, you thought of the worst.

what if, he was only doing this to make you happy?

no, thats stupid.

scrolling on the comments of your latest instagram post of you and the triplets at the beach, your heart dropped, all filled with "kill yourself ugly bitch" or "i can see your bones"

you've had major body issues since that one kid on playground said you looked like santa claus at 8 years old, after suffering an eating disorder your freshmen year, and the aftermath, familes telling you to gain weight, you did, but they still told you to.

a few days later, the death threats keep on getting worse, you told chris that you could ignore it, but really, you were refusing help, which lead you to sitting on the ledge of the bathtub, looking at your prescripted meds for depression.

you open the orange capsule, looking at the blue 200 mg tablets, wondering,

is it worth it? really?

without heasiation, you consume all of them, at first, you felt fine and stood up,

then blacked out.

chris found your unconscious body and started sobbing, screaming for matt and nick, the hurt in his voice was unbearable, all of their voices at that moment were unbearable.

nick struggles to call the ambulance as he's shaking, matt helps him as chris looks at the orange bottle, with nothing in it now.

the paramedics rush in, taking you away, all three of them quickly follow.

you were rushed in as the doctors hook up the machines, chris couldn't even bare to see his girl like this, thinking of the worst.

the doctors don't know if you're going to make it, by all the pills you've took.

chris cries as the doctors try to console him, he doesn't want to lose his girlfriend, he really doesn't.

the doctors say that they can do life shock to see if you'd wake up.

chris nods, his vision blurry from his tears.

the doctor preforms life shock as chris holds your hand

"c'mon harper..." he mumbles

the room went silent, thinkng you didn't make it

suddenly, your eyes flutter open, IV's in both arms, vitals, heart monitor, breathing tube, what the hell happened?

chris smiles widely as he kisses your head, "baby,"

you regain consciousness, "where, where am i?"

chris takes a deep breath, "you almost died."

hearing that makes your heart drop,

"you scared us baby, i thought you were going to die in front of me."

no words said by you, you move over so he can sit on the bed, you pat a spot for him, and he sits there, carefully wrapping you in his embrace

"i'm sorry.." you choke out

"no no no, don't be sorry, you should've told me sooner though,"

he sighs

"and always remember,"

he leans in and whispers,

"i'm right here baby."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a/n: tysm for reading! i upload fluff for fun, and i'm planning on making a couple of oneshots.

kiss kiss, makenna

tags!

@24kmar @cherib3lla @bratzforchris

[haemosexuality]

i need other peoples opinion on if i can call myself physically disabled/chronically ill

1- i have an autoimmune disease on my liver (incurable) that manifested when i was 11, without any medicine i get very seriously sick and also might die but now that ive been on medication for so long im mostly fine. symptoms i still feel and will probably feel forever tho include

2- getting tired quickly, and if i get too tired i get nauseous. tho i cant tell when its that or just good old sedentarism

3- regular nausea, at least once a week but usually more. its not always very strong

4- i always felt like there might be something else maybe with my heart or lungs or something in that area but nothing was ever found

5- back pain, started when i was around 14. used to be only sometimes but now its like... id im having a bad month its almost every day. sometimes it can go away for a few weeks. if im having a really rough time its gonna be constant and strong for days on end and painkillers wont help. recent doctors visits diagnosed me with big tits and also some mild scoliosis

6- im once again bringing up the fatigueeeee. coupled with like, idk, it feels like my bones get weaker? idk what causes that maybe im anemic idk. id say most days are fine but in some days simple things like showering or holding a mostly empty backpack or eating are so tiring it hurts and i have to lay down after. but its not every day

7-i do have to take pills every day (7) for my liver and stomach to the dosage is very small now since the disease has been stable for years

i think thats all. none of that affects my day to day life that much, and because none of the negative symptoms are constant, i genuinely do not know if it can be considered a capital d Disability. wikipedia calls the autoimmune disease (autoimmune hepatitis) a chronical illness but again, it doesnt make me constantly sick bc of the years of treatment so idk if i count

[dykeseesgod]

what well its just that you havent spoken to me in years except to call me a faggot or to dislocate my shoulder and you know what else is missing besides an attentive listener a segue i suppose forgive my bluntness please dont hit me but i could giv two shits about you or your vacant mind or your morbid curiosities or your dead fucking dog so why dont you just leave i never dislocated your shoulder according to my doctor you did in shop class last spring you twisted my arm behind my back and said you wouldnt let go until i said and i quote i like to get it up the ass i was just playing around with you oh that makes me feel so much better you know through my screams and the searing pain i can definely recall hearing laughter any way i can contribute to the fun of the group we were just messing around with you fuck you cb id rather you say we beat the shit out of you because we cant stand you rather than youre just messing with me that implies light teasing or slightly oproprious behavior i havent eaten in the cafeteria in 2 years for fear of going home with some part of it smeared across my shirt i havent been to the bathroom on campus since my head got slammed into a wall i believe you were there i didnt do that well you didnt stop it either and the faculty doesnt care you know what im tired of hearing they only pick on you because of your own insecurities aw jeez mrs blank now that you said that my head doesnt hurt so much and people wonder why kids bring guns to school to shoot you fuckers down maybe youre not the bully but you stand idly by and watch and to me thats even worse so please just go youre being hostile and im just trying to have a conversation with you like a civilized i dont want to talk to you i just want to be left alone i dont need social pointers i just want an apology for the five minutes youve stolen from my day see this is why you dont have friends i think we both know why i dont have any friends oh dont be so melodramatic youre in here crying about a dead dog and im being melodramatic shut the fuck up about my dog ok or what youll hit me go ahead ill show you how people get hurt and dont run away to cry like a big fucking baby whats so funny asshole im sorry nothing i dont see anything to laugh at its nothing its just that i was scared of you for like a second im sorry no its ok i deserved it promise me you wont bring a gun to school i dont even know where id get one you were one of my best friends you all were i just dont get it can i be honest if its any consolation none of us knew what to say to you after your dad got arrested it was pretty awkward it was more awkward for me im sorry we werent there for you that means a lot see now youre being sarcastic again no i wasnt its hard to tell with you truce i wasnt fighting a war but sure truce are you i dont know ive never had sex so kinda hard to tell at this point what about my dad im not sure thats considered sex you remember how my dog used to howl when you played the piano yeah i always found it pretty annoying he was singing along what do you think happens to animals when they die they go to heaven you believe in heaven sure there has to be some reward for living through all this and you think there are animals there in heaven the wolf will live with the lamb the lion will lie down with the goat and the calf the lion and the yearling together and a child will lead them the cow will feed with the bear their young will lie down together and the lion will eat straw like the ox the infant will play near the hole of the cobra and the child will put his hand into the vipers nest but my dog killed a living thing wouldnt god be mad he was sick cb he couldnt help it you know they say a dog sees god in his master and a cat looks in the mirror i hate cats me too

[my-castles-crumbling]

hiya cas! i hope youre well 😊

so, i have some medical issues (nothing serious!! probably - im still waiting for a proper diagnosis but ive had a few appointments and tests etc and have been assured its nothing to be concerned about) and so i obviously have to go to hospital appointments sometimes for the aforementioned tests and discussions. it was scary at first (i hadnt been in a hospital since the day i was born up until this point, and i was 18 when i had my first of these appointments) but its easier now, but im still a little stressed

im not technically estranged from my family - i still live at home with both parents, and we're on decent enough terms - but we dont really have any sort of important conversations. or any personal conversations either. so i guess we're just not really close? idk. anyway, this has meant i have absolutely no idea what any of my family medical history is. i had to find out through my older sister that my father was diagnosed with diabetes four years ago (and she only found out because she worked at the pharmacy where he got his stuff from), and my eldest brother was the one who told me my grandparents' causes of death (they died before my birth and my parents never mention them), but they dont know any more than that either

this hasnt been an issue for me before, because obviously ive never needed to know. ive never been asked about it, but now that my own health isnt right, i kinda need to know. in my first appointment i got asked about it, but i told the doctor i didnt know and would ask at home

i did ask, to be fair. i spoke to my mother and explained why i needed to know but she just kind of... brushed it off? idk if thats the right way to phrase it. she said there was some vague thing about heart issues but she didnt say anything specifically, or which side of the family it came from, or anything all thay helpful at all

its so frustrating because im not the first of their kids to need this information. my sister has medical problems too (different issues than mine though) and our parents were no help with her either

i spoke to a friend about it last autumn when i first went to hospital and he looked at me so oddly, it made me feel so broken, i guess. apparently discussing medical history isnt a taboo subject in most households, because he knew all of his and he's never been to hospital for anything. but the way he looked at me like i was weird or something for not knowing was awful. again, it made me feel genuinely broken and damaged. it was kind of one of those moments where you realise 'oh, my family isnt normal' and it sucked, because i thought id had that realisation years ago

its happened with some other stuff too (i.e. telling parents about a relationship, friends, interests, spending time with family etc) and it just... it really sucks. i dont know what else there is to say than that ig lol

i was going somewhere with this ask, but ive kinda gotten off track and now i cant remember, soooo.... have a good day! thanks for reading my ramble 🥰

Hi hon!

I’m so sorry, whose moments of realization suck, truly. Please know that you did nothing wrong <3 

Because this is a health thing, I do have some advice for you (ignore me if you want!) There are forms on the internet that have questions about family history. Print one out and just give it to your mom and dad. Don’t give them room to question it. Say your doctor needs it, and you need them to fill it out.

I wonder, though, if your parents don’t share their history with you, they might not know their parents history. A lot of times, these kinds of things that happen in families are passed down. 

But yeah. Just give them a form and make it a health thing. You deserve that info. 

Again, please know that you are NOT broken, and it has nothing to do with you <3

(naming you medical anon)

[nahalism]

Hiiii! I wanted to ask you about something for a long time. Do you think true healing comes from our own hands? I know you have some good knowledge on trauma so i am more confident asking you this question. Sometimes i believe we are our own biggest healer, most knowledgeable doctor because we are INSIDE us, we know everything (or mostly everything lol) about ourselves so technically we should be most equipped to help ourselves but then i wonder if we can be fully objective with ourselves or objective enough to untangle all that needs help, tending, being looked at and an external person will never truly hear, see what we and only we can. Or maybe we need another to guide us because there is only so much we can do alone and maybe we ARE actually not able to see some parts that are either hidden or blurted maybe some things are beyond when we are…hurt inside bad enough. What are your thoughts and feelings about this, dear? Now asking “what do you think” made me realize that the way i see you i think you’re pretty much always speaking from a place that had “think” and “feel” intertwined. It’s what i am getting whenever i am met with your energy here.

I hope you feel fabulous today🤍

hey angelll <3. ill start by saying, i feel like no man is an island but we must all learn to become one to truly mature and be of service. we are all dependent on things and people external to ourselves, but the true mark of maturation is learning to carry ones own load. not out of scorn, greed or a need for separation due to individuation, but in order to be one who can provide for others, whether that be refuge or resource. in giving we help others stand, yet without the self determination to take your own steps, that learning is in vain. so the answer is both. we need others but ultimately we must do the work ourselves.

that metaphor explains my feelings on symbiosis at large but to answer u directly, i feel the boundary between what demarcates self and other is very nebulous. as much as i believe we have all the tools within us to learn, understand, and transmute what we are into what we want to be, i also believe that our perception of the world external to us is a huge indicator of whats going on internally. as such the people we meet and our interactions with those beings/spaces we encounter them in, are often mirrors that reflect ourselves back to us, or!! are huge indicators of what we can still learn or ways that we need to develop and grow. whether that individual shows us everything we are, or everything we are not, they are still teaching us and deepening our capacity for self awareness (& the key to growing is to first be aware). i do also believe that all living things are one in essence, & as such theres no real difference between me and other, but since thats down to personal belief ill leave that there. what i will say is 'only a fool knows everything' and so if ever you catch yourself feeling or thinking someone has nothing to teach you, thats usually where the lesson is beginning. — sometimes others see our blindspots and can help us get to where we want to go faster than we can alone. but that isnt always the case because not everyone has the level of discernment and foresight to take you to the spaces you see for yourself. the best thing ive found is to listen to everything, & then apply what resonates.

re: the link between thinking & feeling, allll emotions have their root in a thought. if you think something, consciously or subconsciously, the energy of that emotion then translates beyond those neurological pathways into the physical body where we felt them somatically or as emotions. however theres a difference between emotion, the minds intelligence and the hearts intelligence. the heart knows only truth. i try to lead with my heart, but i know there are many times (mainly where fear or hopelessness is present) that im falling short. all i can hope to do in those instances is hold myself and try again lol.

theres so much love in this & trust for me which is heart warming fr. sending u love. hope this helped <3333333

[samoyari]

HEAR THAT? LISTEN! ⌇ SECRET TIMES

✹ ﹒ some self ships i have with characters from multiple fandoms! ( love & deepspace, genshin, persona, final fantasy, etc )

before reading : i am quite new to this & im not sure how it works. everything is just for fun! please please please do not interact if you're uncomfortable!! if you dont like this kind of content & find it weird or cringe its better to click away!

ZHIRO ﹒ zhongli && zira

“i find myself running home to your sweet nothings”

the star and the sun.

zhongli had met zira when she was only a traveller—traversing the unknown lands of liyue. since then, he had looked forward to the afternoon tea time filled with conversations from the past. their souls were linked since the very beginning, a crystal lace tied from each of their hearts. zhongli had believed he discovered a version of love that no one else ever had.

zhongli often finds himself listening to zira’s little stories. he envelops himself into a brand new world—a glimpse into his partner’s little mind. only to retell some of the details to the adepti when they have a small reunion.

zhongli is the listener—zira talks. thats how they go—how the stars are always there for the sun, even when it outshines them.

SONG: SWEET NOTHINGS — TAYLOR SWIFT

STORMHEART ﹒tighnari && zira

“ive never been a natural—all i do is try, try, try”

the storm and the warm home.

tighnari met zira when she was at her lowest. she was emotional and vulnerable, stupid and irrational. he was there to listen, even when the distant thunder seems to be getting louder and when the rain starts to pick up and the drops of water hit his skin like needles—he was there.

tighnari is quite big on pda or any form of skinship. he loves hugging zira anytime, and that feeling itself calms her down.

SONG: MIRRORBALL — TAYLOR SWIFT

THE GLACIER’S CRACK﹒ zayne && zira

“the feeling that im loosing her forever—and without really entering her world”

childhood friends , partner's in crime , cardiologist & anesthesiologist.

zayne never believed in love. he believed that only a few things mattered in life; one being his academics, the second being his health, the third would be being the best cardiologist out there, and the fourth being zira. moving out for med school was not an easy job for him and it almost made him feel disconnected from his home. it didnt take long until he realized that everything became unbearable because she wasnt around. sure, they called often, talked and did favors for each other—but he couldnt buy twin popsicles and half them. he couldnt comfort her when she cried. so once summer break came around, he made that sacred promise.

zira took on medicine a year spontaneously after zayne moved away. she wanted to be able to atleast spend time with him somehow knowing that he'd be busy with shifts all the time. zira found her passion in the medical field—wanting to pursue it much seriously and ended up choosing her role as an anesthesiologist. she later revealed this to zayne when she found out he was going as a cardiologist. it took a while before she officially became a doctor, but its safe to say that they now spend every free time they have in the hospital together.

SONG: SLIPPING THROUGH MY FINGERS — ABBA

more…

NOCTZIRA — noctis && zira

[menalez]

You don't have to answer this obviously, its embarrassing but I feel like I don't know where else to ask - NSFW

I've always found penetration difficult. I feel like I'm broken as a woman because it feels like everyone around me is able to do it and enjoys it and I don't. I don't want to be graphic but I don't know what to do. I'm scared to go to a doctor in case they diagnose me with vaginismus. I don't know if I should even try to make it better or just leave it. I feel like I can't experience my body fully because I cant do this one thing. I know thats stupid but its what I think in my head. I can't use tampons, and sexual penetration is terrible. I can use my hand, but I can't feel anything. It just doesn't feel pleasurable and I can't go in very far. If I use a dildo, it hurts. Not every second, I go slow etc but I can't get much in. It feels painful at the side of my labia. No matter what direction or position it just hurts. I can almost feel a bone blocking it or something. I feel like I'm broken and a freak and I don't know what to do. I cant talk to my friends because they all talk about how they love penetration and I feel too ashamed of my situation. I'm scared I'll never be able to satisfy a partner even though I'm a lesbian because I see women on here and tiktok talking about strapons etc and I know it would hurt and be impossible to have sex like that. Even when I relax and am definitely ready to try penetration, it doesn't work. No matter what I do it always feels uncomfortable in some way. If it doesn't hurt, it feels like nothing. I'm afraid I do have vaginismus or something is really wrong with me. I've never allowed a partner to try. I've not had a long term relationship and I worry women will be really put off if penetration is something I can't partake in. Ive not had loads of dating experience so idk if this is even a reasonable worry to have. im so sorry this is all over the place. I totally understand if you cant answer. Ive tried googling stuff but i cant really find much.

sorry for taking a while to respond. first of all i dont see whats embarrassing about this?! you have not said anything here that i think is embarrassing.

i don't particularly enjoy penetration and ive come across MANYYYYY women who don't. particularly many lesbians. its ok if you don't enjoy penetration. it doesn't have to mean you have vaginismus either, although what you described might be that (potentially on top of you already naturally not being keen on penetration). that said, there is no shame in being diagnosed with vaginismus either. receiving such a diagnosis can help you understand your body better and if you do think you could potentially enjoy penetration then maybe a diagnosis would help open that door for you somehow. it might also end up that you don't have vaginismus. either way, there is no must or need in enjoying penetration. there's probably even straight women who don't like it! just because there's many women who do, does not mean there's something wrong with you for not enjoying it.

i don't use tampons either! im 26 and first time i tried to, i was 24 and ever since then ive used it maybe a grand total of 2-3 times? it feels uncomfortable and painful for me too. its ok, many women do not use tampons so you're really not missing out there. it isn't a requirement in female adulthood.

also penetration alone does not feel pleasureable to an even larger group of women! so once again, there is nothing abnormal about not feeling much when trying it on yourself and its not abnormal to not find it pleasurable. and i don't know how experienced you are sexually, but the other stuff you mentioned could also be because you're dealing with shame & fear & aren't aroused enough while trying penetration on yourself. and if your friends were to judge you for not enjoying penetration, then frankly they're the ones that are weird, not you!

and from my experience at least, women have not been put off by me saying i don't like certain things (like penetration) and prefer other acts. if you're not sexually compatible with a woman then that is fine, but no one can expect you to enjoy a particular sex act and then judge you when you don't.

i think before worrying yourself this much, you should first find a woman you are comfortable with and attracted to. you could tell her about your fears & insecurities before having sex-- it can help if you're going to engage with her sexually bc it takes off anxiety from you while also making her aware of how she should be mindful & gentle! if you end up trying things with penetration with her and it becomes clear to you that you simply do not like it or like it with certain limits & restrictions or love it or whatever else-- all of that is normal. but don't worry yourself this much over something so small & a normal preference like not liking penetration, its really not abnormal to not enjoy it. if you're sexually inexperienced and have barely even dated then i get why you're worrying yourself so much but i promise when you're sexually active then normal people do not care about that the way you might think they do. penetration isnt for everyone, it doesn't have to be something you want or enjoy either

[sinha-ri]

I know nothing about your ocs so please give me the rundown I NEED to learn about them but have no idea where to start

Strap in this is going to be long bc i will give you a rundown of each lil fucker I have gl on the read ive been oc obsessed for YEARS also warning for lots and lots of dark and tragic themes not a single one of my ocs has a good life (at the start anyway)

Lily Artesia

he is the blorbo bleebus, the guy i was obsessed with for over 3 years and has over 110 art (that number is just as much as i could find on this laptop alone and NOT including shittier sketches)

he's 28 in present time, gay and asexual, trauma heavy fella, at this point its what hasn't happened to him he has the worst luck, chronic pain, shit dyslexia so he cant read, and his left eye is missing

He is a runaway prince from the holy star kingdom. His family is blessed by the stars and he is their first ever 2nd child, as they were "cursed" to only have 1 child, he has been the only outlier ever. This made him have a few of the blessings rather than all (list of said blessings)

As a runaway prince, he traveled across the sea to another land where he became a mercenary/bounty hunter, worked in the black market, dated a shit ton of questionable ppl, uhh..false sex work that ended up just being murder (as in..he murdered) before being kidnapped and enslaved for a year. He was saved but more like ownership traded w the military he uh, i guess he served there for a while and got in a questionable relationship with Valdis (more on him later) Almost died in battle, was saved by Oliver and ended up recovering and having a fufilling life with Oliver that turned to marriage :D.

He's a lil sarcastic, a big heart, arsonist, selfless, pretty empathetic, likes to murder (ppl he finds irredeemable), just a caring lil guy that copes in the only ways he knows which is ofc murder, self harm (this takes a few forms) and generally getting defensive where he can turn to violence if he really thinks he's in danger (which doesnt help when he has major anxiety and ptsd)

TOYHOUSE if you want anything on tumblr, just search lily in the tags of my blog and you will not run of content on there

2. Oliver Artesia

He is a favorite but sadly doesnt reach blorbo status as lily and hero but he's up there

30 in present time, demi sexual and romantic, doesnt know he has ptsd, isolated himself for over 5 years lol

Born as a grand mage (i cant find my source talking about this so uh, basically mages here are born with 1 skill type but grand mages can learn any skill type thats all you need to know (and theyre rare)) and a branch of the Artesia Family (rant here lol). Oliver's mother always wanted a daughter and so she would dress Oliver as one, enrolled him in school as such, and prevented him from trying to question her authority or pretty much do anything himself. She was abusive and held him to high standards. This led to a lot of bullying and being unable to make any friends.

This got him to be taken into the custody of his uncle, but once he hit 18, he was enrolled into the military (war just started) as a frontline medic. He absolutely hated this job and found it pointless to save someone who will only go back out to battle. He ended up committing War Crimes by lvling a field with foe and allies, tried to cause war disruption on his own, then let himself be caught so he could be bewitched (also cant find where i talked about this but basically, their magic is nerfed and theyre unable to physically lie), he ranaway soon after and lived alone for over 5 years in a refugee village, becoming the village doctor, herbalist, and pharmacist (he isnt licensed but he knows what he's doing)

He starts off selfish, blunt in adding unnecessary details/comments, has a really cheerful and upbeat energy to him but he will say the most vile bitchy thing ever, over confident in himself, smaaallllll power complex, comforting in his gender (being male) but will roast your ass if you call him she/her (Intentionally)

TOYHOUSE he is also one you can find a lot on my tumblr if you just search up his name on my blog

3. Jonah Artesia

the fucking baby boy, protect him with all your life

around 16 in the present, queer, god someone help this kid he is drowning in anxiety, low self esteem, and separation anxiety that makes him feel like he needs to be useful

Jonah was born into a Mage Family but was given the short end of the stick by being born a Dark Mage (a magic type that is feared and pretty much banned from these mages to practice at ALL), he was abandonded when this was discovered (around the age range 10-12). Trying to live a decent life, he found himself attempting to be useful via being a guide. He makes maps and sells them, he can read the stars and find his way out of most forests and places. He was finally taken in by a group of teenagers that needed a guide, in which he fit in perfectly. He tends to keep quiet and never voices his opinions, doing anything to be a ppl pleaser in hopes they'll let him stay, which they do after they find out he's a Dark Mage.

in the future, he ends up being adopted by Lily and Oliver, growing in a healthier steady environment where they try to help him recover and grow as a well adjusted adult

he's a big doormat, way too kind and caring and way too selfless, will never speak up for himself, he just doesnt wanna be left alone again and will give up as much of himself as it takes to :(

TOYHOUSE uhh you can find some lore on him but a few of it can be dated

4. Alexander (i dont have a last name yet sobbing)

he's recently been rising in my mind lately, he is the local WHORE

currently 32, his sexuality is anyone he can have sex with lol, he copes with sex, suffers from insomnia, he makes the absolutely worst dog shit decisions when it comes to his brother its astronomical how stupid he is and how much of a King manbaby he is with the way he approaches the situation.

The first son of the royal family and elder brother of Lily, he is currently King. He is the reason lily ranaway and blames himself for the rest of his life, aiming to make it right by all means. He is a good and caring leader that attempts to listen to his people. But he's very two faced in that he's actually super tired and bitter in the inside and would throw all this away if he could. He hates his job, he hates his life, he's miserable but never lets himself show it nor change how well he does his job. Due to his first lover having been someone who only used him to steal money from him, this man has never fallen in love since. The only intimate relationship he'd have with anyone is through sex but even than its under a disguise. He has no friends, he hates other royalty and nobles, but he will never lash this out on people. The kingdom loves him and he puts on a serene and comforting smile for them to stay trustworthy and complacent.

he's very Fake nice and flirty, he tries to look under the true intentions of anyone who attempts to have a relationship with him. Hardly trusts nor listents to anyone, he's actually pretty awkward when he isn't being King or doing official business, he just really does love sex

tOYHOUSE you probably wont find anything much on him on my tumblr except from pretty dated things i probably scrapped and are no longer canon lol

5. Valdis Nevermore

this is an image of him in the future but i dont have any of the present. i would say hes a himbo but hes problematic

31, bi, hes got a hero complex, turns from occasional drinker to alcoholic real quick after certain events, complicated family relationship

Valdis is born from a family of knights, and being the eldest, he follows in the footsteps of his father and his ancestors before. He knows there is a problem in the system, but he hopes to help change it from the inside, but finds himself following their orders more than questioning them. Despite this, he does have high morals especially when it comes to treating others and commoners. He attempts not to use his status as an advantage against others. However, once he is in charge of lily during lily's time in the military, he finds his passion reignited to question leadership and develops a hero complex towards Lily, feeling as if he has to help/save him but ends up making things far worse than they should. Once lily is assumed dead, valdis deserts as a Knight, gets disowned by his family, and is on a constant run from being tracked down. Lives with regret and drowns in alcohol

He is a very helpful guy, very kind to all, and a bit of a loser lol. Charming and charismatic when he's not wallowing in pity, he really does have a good heart that is misguided.

he has no toyhouse and very little information is avaliable on tumblr

6. Lenn (might change her name so ill just keep her nickname)

i have so little woman but GOD am i gay for her, she is wife

35, lesbian, she needs time off and doesnt deserve the treatment she gets fr, get a better job or beat alexander up

a half dragon half human that was "adopted" into the royal family. It was more like taking her in when she was a child, raised as their older sister, but eventually assigned herself the role as the royal guard to the brothers once their parents passed away. She has dedicated her life in trying to protect the remaining family she has, yet it seems alexander hasn't seen her as such in a long time. He hardly listens to her advice and attempts to shoo her away with unnecessary tasks. but she wont let up, even if they no longer see her as family she will strive to protect this family from ending itself even if her worth is no longer appreciated

when around alexander she is serious, stern, and straightforward. Yet in a casual setting, she's rather quiet and wants nothing more than have a moment to relax, yet her mind can't seem to let her. It's been long since she's ever been in a relaxed setting away from the King, but she can get pretty bashful away from it all

she has no toyhouse and almost nothing on my tumblr LOL

two more before i let you choose if you wanna listen about another OC that i will just list and give even more basic information on or give yourself a mental break from the absolute OC brain i have

7. Sergio Cartias

who brought their weed dad, for some reason i have so little of him yet he is SO loved

30, uhh, i forget what its called but he likes fem presenting people regardless of gender (but he is married to someone who uses she/her). honestly my most normal guy his biggest flaw is he smokes lol.

born from a mage family (listen..i did not realize how many of my ocs come from important Line families istg this was unintentional but when put together it does not seem that way) this branch specalizes in information and history, making him following in the line and steps of becoming a professor/teacher, specifically on witches. while the job was accepted by his family, the specifications and how he teaches about witches is not. The reason being he was Oliver's only friend that really sympathized with his situation and figured bewitching a mage doesn't exactly mean they're horrible people, because he couldnt believe some of the vile shit they would say about Oliver. He lived a fairly normal life with his spouse and being a pretty great teacher that students grew to love.

He's very laid back, he really is Just A Guy but in a good way and has the least drama carrying. He sees his own family above all, but he will be there for his friends or anyone who needs him or just someone who wants to talk to someone. Oh and he's a lightning mage and knows how to use magic with just his hands! (this is relevent?? sorta?? in my lore using your hands for magic casting is the ultimate control sign, as most mages use wands or other mediums given they have easier control with them than hands which is harder to master)

he doesnt have a toyhouse either and you can find some bare minimum stuff on tumblr

the next character is from an entirely separate universe/story, as everyone above is part of the same one.

8. Hero

foaming at the mouth and rolling around the dirt he is THE blorbo right now omfg I CANNOT stop thinking about this absolute piece of shit person he is my WORST character i fucking love him rn

228 years old baby, aro/ace with extreme sex repulsion and generally physical touch repulsion, god he is so fucked up there is so much wrong with him, might have autism but unrelated to him being an asshole he just isn't neurotypical aint no fucking way (this was done unintentionally btw but certain parts of him made me realize oh, typicals do not feel or think this way usually)

Born half human/half druid, he was left abandonded in a village filled with mixed species. He never knew his parents and he was never given a name. the village he lived in was raided by knights and many kids, including himself, were captured. After captured, he went through what is known as the Hero Project, in which they aimed to find and raise the most suitable to be the kingdom's official "hero". Hero, being the most human passing, was given an advantage already. When tests were conducted, he passed with desired results (praised/rewarded for following orders unquestioningly, least hesitant to harm others) It is no surprise he was the winning candidate to be Hero. Throughout, he was still never given a name but instead called by his title once he earned it. their biggest gripe with Hero was his personality, but through time, he learned to mask his true personality and instead showed one of heroism and kindness. All his expressions were calculated depending on who he was speaking to and especially in public. However, outside of the public eye, he was a nightmare to work with

He cared for no one, he is pure selfishness, he will strike down anyone in his way and in fact enjoys killing to an addictive degree. All crimes he's ever committed were swept under the rug in order to keep his image clean, and so he knew he could get away with anything he pleased. He will torment you in any way that will gratify him and worsen you, be it physical or mental torture. He thrives on seeing the expressions of despair and betrayal. He betrays his kingdom and party members at the drop of a hat because he was simply bored. He betrayed the only person that he somewhat cared for because he refused to change, continuing a campaign of destruction as he used his status as Hero to confuse those who haven't heard the news of his betrayal.

He's cynical, calculating, and will do anything to let himself stay in control of his life

TOYHOUSE there is also so much more lore on toyhouse but ive dropped quite a bit on my tumblr recently

Time for speed rundowns:

Peter/Petros/Petra: The leader of golems that will do all in their power to ensure they thrive. the oldest golem that has little hope for humans, but isn't stubborn enough to put their people in jeopardy over them

Jairo Torrance: A farmer that is currently the closest to a friend Oliver has. He is generally nice but dislikes Lily given he was there when lily temporarily ruled the kingdom

Diene Artesia: the eldest daughter of the artesia family and the next in line as head of the family, she is a lesbian disaster and monster fucker

Azazel: a golem that is half sheep/human, he is mute and the 2nd oldest golem, but he keeps his whimsy and cares for Ophiuchus

Ophiuchus: a golem that follows azazel around, he helps communicate to others what azazel attempts to say and keeps him company and protection

-

Caide/Mushi: a demon working under a prince of hell, he had forgotten his purpose on the surface before coming to his senses and continuing the plan they had set in motion

Dylan: a half demon/human who was named "Demon Lord" by humans despite being far from it, he wishes to leave in peace but when push came to shove, he will do what must be done

[perpetual-dread-machine]

Big vent post, i dont have the brainpower to CW it

The sorrows of having pain on your shoulders that you cannot hold any longer. The type of pains you take to the grave. To have a single place you can untangle the long chain of pain is something most dont get the oppertunity to have.

I lost all hope in humanity sometime late last year, and have been trying to find a reason- any reason, to stay alive. i didnt eat if i wasnt at work, and i didnt sleep if it wasnt on my commute. I plunged myself into work when i lost a reason to live and all i have left of it is burnout, an empty bank account and a nic problem- my natural thought being if i couldnt die now id be fine taking years off my life for temporary solace.

I don't know why i cannot find peace in this life. Im beyond poor, have so few social skills i dont know how to meet other girls who'd be willing to put up with my shit long enough for me to befriend them let alone date, and often feel like a sore thumb when people who want to have me around bring me around people who live such wildly different lives.

Ive been off pain pills for close to 2 years now and my pain only gets worse with time, but i know how badly they ruin your life. Can't say much about smoking either beyond that.

Ive been overmedicated by quack doctors who throw more and more antidepressants at me when they only make it worse- and when i tell them what i needed i got a hand wave and an upping of dosage of mood stabilizers, cant afford medical treatment, cant find a job with consistent hours to feed myself, cant get financial assistance with housing or electricity because im already so broke the place wasnt up to code when i moved in- under the table shit, and got fucked up by a carbon monoxide leak.

It feels like an endless cycle, that if emotional pain wasnt enough in this world that my chronic pain makes it so i cant get a better job than the 8 hours every other week. So what do you do when facing that? The future is bleak enough im actually starting to worry if im going to make it.

I've lost my original will to live ages ago. Im praying i can find something to keep me here. Because even if its the tar of a cigarette, ill take that over the whirling dark of oblivion.

Maybe thats the addiction talking, maybe thats the truth. Im scared to face this world alone, but anybody who wants to get close i just push away. Its easier to push them away.

Its easier to push myself, away.

I dont want to be alive, and im scared.

This is the deepest darkness ive felt consume me in years.

Where do i find passion in my life again? It feels like everything will be a repeat of my past failures. And im doomed to end up in an abusive relationship like my dad.

Maybe if i just stayed with him and put uo with all his asanine shit id be in new york right now. A cozy apartment, obscene rent, rain on the window, lights illuminating the sky. Maybe we'd be happy now.

Probobly not. Id probobly have moved to new york then he'd have found a prettier tranny to top him before dropping me to the curb thousands of miles from home

Instead im here, in a world which i am in no way part of. Dragged along to experience the joys of friends, left feeling pointless and like extra baggage at every moment.

Maybe one day ill learn to accept that people care about me.

But why would they, i dont care about me.

Id be lying if i said starving myself felt bad. I like looking thin. I feel like im going to throw up all the time, food makes me actively repulsed, im weak and have no energy. Its totally worth it... Right?

This is why i fucking hated brat summer. Like every other good corperate faggot i got swept up in it, but something snapped in me.

Party every day when im bumpin that.

Like a bizzare and fucked up wet dream for anybody focused on nothing but vapid appearance based worth. But thats the nature of clubs right?

Maybe i am hot, i had old gay men buy me drinks and another weird queer fuck in my room at my house.

Maybe i am a piece of shit- free booze and guilt free sex with a loser who may have started stalking me, but its better than being alone. Right?

Is it better than being alone?

[solardick]

Some progress, maybe.

So K belongs to the chariot. With an overlay of justice and strength as harmony, though that card here proceeds the chariot with любовь. Should also be people, life and…. lion works. That waite’s card doesnt well describe a multitude.

Hanged the high priestess around too, but didn’t nullify one of the positions.

And so far, i have nothing but confirmation that the tarot is based on the Cyrillic alphabet. Particularly russian but, that is the only particular being looked at. Because well, russians are all spies and its deeply routed in pop media.

The chariot stands for in a word, politician. Holder of office. Public speaker, equestrian, enclosed space, and movement and battle. These are the literal definitions for letter K taken from a dictionary and not of my own. Just placing the card where. Though for it to be connected by tarot to the justice card, American justice, is fitting to a point considering a figure of authority. Save that the russian justice is card letter Ю. And is found no where near K. As it is for tarot being side by side.

Soeakign of the urkraimeian war, it’s like they’re all pretending to be russia on me while. My disposition is on ukraine, with no backing. At all. Quite the opposite of all. Uh. Ohweel. The homoscope says im supposed tonhave a day of confiendence and whatever bs. But the disease says nope. While the meds i got from the none english speaking doctor with bvery little comprehension say, it only works half the time. If that. Where there are no recognitions or reflections of any of the positive affirmitnf things i do. And only support and affirmations of the negative things i do in respose to the negative things i experienve from them. While spending a life time of witnessing , wathhinc other do far worse things and be rewarded or cast a blind eye too. Its mind boggling. An entire planets casting a war of ittrition in me with sexual

Abused, emotional and soychologicak abuse and negligence. Whike being serrounded by degenerate influences. Casting aid. Cant eait for saterday for another consistent case of diarrhea and gi track discomfort. Well that atttrition ear is over 25 ulyears old now with 14 year leading into that with mistreatment and estrangement. And all of mostly the same bs. Im goiing to go back and theeaten nuclear arms with my suicide. So can be abuse some mor e.. what a mind fuck. Lets see if i give up tarot that the abuse will end. Hahhah. Ok. Hey look! Im dhtting more blood. But thats ok. Its only my life. Not that that has ever mattered before. And the ffeling went away for maybe an hour or so yesterday. Go to go to work and be estranged and a used some more. Thats ok its the only thing ive ever known from other people.

Verified card letter M as the father to be unquestionably accurate. Set in stone. As for the tarot overlay. Its the wheel card, and the only thing missing from Cyrillic M is the machination, the automobile.

The next card of the hierophant or in this case tge patriarchate. Is an interresting find. Wherher it is kept on letter Hn or not. “ In 2018 the Moscow Patriarchate broke communion with the Ecumenical Patriarchate as a result of disputes over his decision to grant autocephaly to the Orthodox Church of Ukraine.” Schism between Constantinople and russia. Pretty much running independently from the rest. Though this is a present tense, it also fits the classic tense of the antiphony agsisnt protestant churches reformations and deviations which ran all thtough the “dark” ages. And on the side of ukraine rejecting the pope francis’ concerns. And to that also of most westerners rejection of the church completely with their hippy vibe lunar landing bs. So the pope or the hierophant or the patriarchate mostly receive a big letter Hn, cyrrently no, by most tarot reading enthusiasts.

And yet no one seems to care about the israel war with over 50 000 deaths during the last 2 years alone. What makes russia so special tonhave half the world interfering? Or the sudanese war or the Myanmar war. Somw of these going on for over 60 years with death tolls in the 10s of thousands. Pretty sure this collective wffort could have completly haultes all these other wars a ling time ago. So damned with all this selective approach bs preaching about world peace. Nonone ever joined my side when an older bigger stranger brother hit on me. Whats the difference? My country is a waste land of destruction and bombings with a bunch of perverts running through the desolation fucking all the dead dogs.

So im choosing the etteila cartes des dames death card for letter У(oo) seems fitting as the letter Y is the automatic association and confusion in recognition. Though i could also fit the Hn card. The letter Hn is a big letter comprised of many words. And so far as with Ha and He it’s negation. But also upwards. Si both fot so far. But it’ll be a bit longer to condense them all into a single image so. Its still open. Though the nakedness of letter Hn does fit the death card well enough. As does it fit with letter У. Being confused with the judgement card. But the omen of the crow standing below the home. Isn’t well felt. As also it being above the stars or canopy card doesnt sense well either. As the pope, patriarchate card is fully dressed in think garment. Doesn’t suit the bareness. Beyond the openness and nakedness of ones spirit and/or soul to the power above. So argument fits for withe rletter so far as it seems. And thoughi coyld oersonaly fit either or argument from experience. As does the lover card fit the pope and death card equally in the same argument as above.

All the stars with the power and teaching of the father to the throne up above, does speak the message. Doesn’t it.

The other position for debate is letter Oo for the death card. And that fits well for the marseille fool above walking on crows. For below would be argued the traditional moon card. But inwanted to change it from the ominous negativity that it has. There being no romance in that card as the moon is also known for but tarot fucks it with the grotesqueness of failure seeping up from the depths with the sensation of akwardness or violation. What kind of message is that? .. soh no my vagina is bleeding again. Don’t touch me a gross. Give me icecream and rub my feet. Its one of those two or its lunar madness. As with changing one of the dogs to a wolf to make that impression clear. Leave it to the americans to go get fucked on lsd and land on the fucken thing. Plant a flag and take pride in it. Ugh.

Sanctions against china for not supporting nato and continuing to trade with russia. In the biggest war effort in Europe since ww2 lol. Jesus. There’s bigger wars not happening in europe at the present moment with even more casualties. China os apart of an ally coalition group called brics. 5 major world nations and other smaller ones not getting a letter in the groups name. Brazil, russia, india, china and south Africa. Look at these assholes playing nice guy, dictating the rest of the world. Of course they’re going to trade with russia. Even more now since america is cutting off their metal trade with them. Now, china has to stop? Harm the economy? While they produce world wonders? Go eat a fucken turd.

Im not so sure anymore on letter Мм. Cause letter Оо suits the same image…

« China on Tuesday urged NATO to "stop shifting blame" over the Ukraine war after the Western military alliance's chief accused Beijing of worsening the conflict through support of Russia.

NATO Secretary-General Jens Stoltenberg on Monday called for China to face consequences for what US officials have called a major export push to rebuild Russia's defence industry.

On Tuesday Beijing said that NATO "should engage in self-reflection rather than arbitrary smear and attacks on China".

"We advise (NATO) to stop shifting blame and sowing discord, not add fuel to the fire and instigate confrontation, but rather do something practical for the political settlement of the crisis," foreign ministry spokesman Lin Jian said at a regular press briefing. »

Love itbwhen they manipulate you. Took special note of the venus aspect today and again they attach it to the feminine and create a stressful conclusion. Sonindaid fuck it. Im leaving. I see what your doing. Go blow a bag of dicks. Mines off limits. Want anothe rdig to fuck?

Flipped off by jesus. For when they manipulate the entire enviroment to be solely based of your horroscope. Wouldnt be so bad if you knew there was a single postive thing in it.

Im gratefuk that with russias influnece im learning a third language. But, ich spreche ein bisschen dutch. And opened a new script. Or better said unlocking the script already in effect. And thats fun. Wonder of i change jobs again if these fucktoys are just going to fallow me or waiting for me to fuck around again. And it makes it easy if the work environemnt is varible which gives then freedom to control my experiences.

Gove and help give and help and all they do fuck the dog.

Pls. The russian have enough armaments and firepiwer to fire off bomb all day wveryday for the next decade. The same tactics thevr been playing on me fir thelast 20 fycken years. Probably nust making sire the next outter planet hits has heavily as posiible in the direction the want. Conserign the last 39 year so of my life being own by assholes. Its not going to be a good thing.

Womder who that girl was wispering in my ear this morning.

So woke with a loving kiss to my wife. And met a new clerkess. Pretty redhead. Have that aversion to them. Because of that cursed blood. It was nice. Then the effeminate foreigner pretending to be straight but is obviously a woman, was waiting for me at the punch card. Asked me hiw i was. Responded as usual. Still alive. The rest if the day was “venusianly” pleasant. Even though, im still damaged. And at the end last minute it was arranged to be as frustrating as possible to after the bell and my stock was put away and the lift stationed was placed not to have room to park. Considering i had to deive the lift the whole time because there weren’t any jiggers left. Which makes maneuvering slow and wasteful anf then the guy i was with left. So, i parked the lift crossed infrint of all the others. Hang my prder back i. The office amd left. The exact words were do what you can. Or get what you can get done. And i did. Not dealing with that. With the venus mars semi-square. On a task that isnt possible to get done on time given at the last minute. Then i step out and alarms and sirens going off rushing to nowhere most likely. Making a show.

The only thing i take away from that was thta i was meant to be a first responder soeeding down the highway in an ambulance saving lives. ..damn it inwas havig appeasant conversation but jow i got to cut it short. Sorry love i have to go save some dumb ass’s life. Get out of the fucken way im driven here. Can tyou hear my sirens. Fuck you, learn to drive. Get off the road someone dying here!

Somi gave up on the whole homoscope bs whne i realized they were inly using it to manipulate my life at walmart to their own ends by controlling my environment to its script exclusively. Yeah ok, sure. Using every loophole in the system, to break all the humanitarian rules while still being “innocent”. Seems like by the same type of people running nato right now. Evil hiding behind good mannerism and polite speech like the good fallen angel lucifers they are. Promoting and selling drugs and booze and porn on every street corner. And funding wars killing thousands while accusing everyone else for doing the same while turning a blind eye to all the others.

You know what atrocious thing russia coukd do to anger people? Blow up the St. Michael's Golden-Domed Monastery in kiev. But since it isnt a protestant church it’s probably safe from persecution. Vladimir is living up to the name. For it was a vladimir who addopted christioanity im the 10th century and it was a vladimir who amended the law to prohibit the banning of the four major traditional religious bodies. While also erecting a religious symbol infront of the kremlin, promoting and giving freedom to theological belies. As long as the arent western or protestant. Because protestants fuck the world. I don’t know i was raised protestant. Then that was given up and i was introduced to the devil emmidiatly afterwards so…. I believe in god. I just don’t have a church. Neither doni need one apperently cause god talks to me. I dont need to go searchign or praying to it. Beyond the benefits of positive affirmations. The devils Will, as i have learned is seem in the clouds. But god is seen on the earth. In the little thigns no one pays attention to. Somi dont mnow what the bivle is talkign aboutnof jesus and angels decemding from the clouds. That obviously isnt the case. I can enumerate all the times these fucks tards used “prphetic portents, pretending to be god.” Fucken losers.

I also scared some little girl from a strong religious family straight one day recently. She was going on about exploring spiritual stuff and mentioned naively that would be like witchcraft. And i stoped turned around and started talkign about spiritual omens, and that its ok to worship nature. like the crows as one starting cawing off in the background, saying when you hear that, you better run! As she was biking off, running away from the encounter. Scared. She ain’t going to forget that. Because it was true. I spoke with the crows. It will stay with her and shape her life to come. You’re welcome family.

There was another time of a guy wearing a cross, driking a beer after work just before getting into his truck, i watched a crow fly directly over his truck and when he left got into a frnder bender (light bump) into the trailer hitched to the backnof his truck and he got out, pissed. And started giving back to the kidxm. As a stood there and eatched the whole thing. And then there was cherry in her guise of bs. Wearing a cross around her neck, working the brothels and showing shame, whether that strue or not…. And that while time it was a big game of back and forth running each other in. As I worked that angle over on her. Condemning it and her actions on that degree. The impression of sex and violence on sinful ways. You can’t use a cross like that and intentually insult it without consequences. Save that in that workd of the esoteric buttloving, hedonistic astrologers and taroist. Beign as dumb as they are, don’t look too kindly at that kind of thing and support the degenerative with hostility. Like a bunch of losers.

On that account with the cross behind Vladimir. Why everyone uses his last name. And not his first. Will show on the theological level what outcomes plays out on his person. For if he is true than there is nothing to fear. And so far the west has dine nothing but bs the news since it started. Not only the news but all outlets of information. Speaking lies and slights. Every move made is, put down with accusations and unfounded bs. Its fucken ridiculous. And i lose more and more respect for the “western” world leaders by the day. The other candidate making his move is trump again with more bs. With “if im realected, ill withdrawn all aid to Ukraine” or mr. Tv celebrity with nothign but derogatory press. Its still a loss on that account. And on it goes with the social engineering. Barf. Good job, playing peoples naivety and stupidity to your advantage. So mich for “in god we trust”.

Save for none of this matters much because its all an inside job anyway. All those russians playing on stranger things. And the villain in everything else. Though it’s good to see smallville. With russian influences seen in a more postiive neurral light. Well considering its a sourthen state thing.

I guess this confirms letter Hn being the pope card/lover.

And looks like ill be needing meds the rest of my life. With this constant downer and lacknof self care, and discomfortvand this attention. Its not getting better.

[ddontyyoukknow]

a wave

I hadn't realized just how many self improvement challenges i embark myself on until now! I was reading over a letter i was writing to my 30 year old self that is comprise of 3 entrees and in all of them i am doing a challenge and in the first two i didn't actually finish them like i actually gave up of them but i feel like during every attempt at a challenge that i do, rather than getting my entire life together i learn one thing at a time and piece it together little by little and thats whats gotten me to the point where i am rn. i must not fret if i am not completing the challenges as a whole, and i must take it for what its worth, adjust and continue. I am at a point of acceptance and gratitude and appreciation. I am fixated on going on lavish vacations and having a fabulous life. i want to go to japan and hawaii and france and i want to have a walt disney world vacation and i want to live in nyc and i want all my money ( a-lot of it) to come from my art. is that too much to ask. I think i am morphing into that person slowly and i think in this transformation the journey matters more than a transformation bc it will be me doing so many 180's. I have already changed so much in the past couple of months. I have garnered more and more maturity and so much patience and love for myself that my broken relationship with hard work and cleaning has started to heal in big ways- something like this is not accounted for in past challenges ive done and is very telling of why it didn't work out- I am still riding the high of cleaning up and flossing and showering and doing my chemical peel and shaving the other night! god did that feel good. I was feeling so horrible and i still got stuff done. thats something i havent expressed in these terms before but i sometimes feel so bad in my body when my mind is ok and wants to get up to do things and the number one thing i feel it could be rn is the whole way that my brain is structured into victim mode and how it expects everything to go awry. literally everything. i have felt this so deeply that i use to live in constant panic and learning about how untrue it is has been magical. little by little i come into power of myself and i learn that things are not scary or impossible. more and more i step forward to do things i once found scary and more and more i learn that there is nothings i cant do. which then brings me back to the mindset of wanting to start a challenge. its definitely a way for my brain to feel like its taking control of my life and its outcomes by telling it this is exactly what the next 3 months will look like when i know at this point that my spirit will take me on a joyride and will show me and give me wonderful things that i didnt even know i wanted. but yet the challenge will give me some structure to base my days on and at least for the first couple of days while its still fresh it should offer some excitement. i will say as well before talking about this challenge that i have a therapist/ doctor/gym/dentist/lawyer for the first time now! i got a teeth cleaning, a checkup, bloodwork, help with nutrition and i go to therapy every week. just having someone to listen to me has been so healing and nice. another highlight of my life right now has bee finding a community art studio where cool artist hang out to create, they meet every Wednesday. there is also aztec dance class every thursday i really want to go to, and i just went to the art institute with teddy it was so inspirational, i 2 weeks ago got to see the strokes!! and in about a month im going to see ESTERHICKS! when i found out she would be in town i almost had an existential crisis at work. teddys bday is in a couple weeks and idk what he wants to do. there must be something in the star rn. apparently for those of us that pluto in capricorn affected, the waves are leaving us and the astrological new year has happened and everything that we want and everything that we have worked hard for will start to come to us and our lives will 180 this year. its just in the stars. let me see...

[lightboundhellhound]

half asleep too tired to brain but. uh. idk what to ask just give information about creatures

okokok!!!! under the cut cos this is a lot of words skjdfkk

chip: half cat half fox because thats possible ig. the youngest of the group, she has a lot of energy and always wants to play. she’s determined to befriend bing even though he’s antagonistic af and doesn’t want friends. chip was found by duke when she was like a day old, and ive decided just now that duke has a family, a wife and three kittens, and chip fit right in (even if she’s a bit bigger thanks to her fox genes)

duke: the oldest of the group and the leader. he lost an eye when a dog attacked him :( for a while he wanted nothing to do with dogs until he got to know tyler (a dog i haven’t drawn yet) (well not since 2018, here’s an old drawing)

duke didn’t trust tyler but jupiter vouched for him, and so he joined the junkyard jaminals. duke and tyler are actually besties now!

bing: so emo. hates everyone 🥰 while duke went through hell and still has hope, bing went through hell and his hope died. he’s pessimistic, kind of a jerk, and is only a junkyard jaminal because duke insists on “fixing him”. he kinda serves as bombs second in command, and they’re both in charge of keeping outsiders away. he’s less enthusiastic about than bomb is lol

jupiter: she’s dukes wife! she’s co-leader of the junkyard jaminals and chips mom :33 she’s incredibly stealthy, having grown up on the streets with her brothers and parents and learning how to survive without being caught by animal control

squiggle: he’s in charge of surveillance, watching from his tower for any incoming enemies or threats. he mostly naps up there though cos nothing ever tends to happen. also he’s lazy ksjdkfk chip likes to visit tho! squiggle takes the opportunity to teach her how to watch for danger so he can nap lmao

clementine: one of jupiter and dukes kids and juneberry’s twin sister! she’s the nurse, helping juneberry take care of injured or sick jaminals. she doesn’t really enjoy it, and would rather be a fighter like bomb or bing. but duke and jupiter won’t let her cos they don’t want her getting hurt

juneberry: the doctor cat, and clementines twin! they call each other twins cos while there are three in their litter, they look way more similar to each other than they do with their other sibling i have yet to design ;^^ juneberry loves being a doctor cat! she’s all about helping her friends and family <3 she’s very silly btw

tallulah: idk what she actually is? i adopted her from another artist cos i loved her design but it didn’t occur to me that. i should have at least some idea of how she fits in the narrative? for now let’s say she’s a lab experiment that wasn’t supposed to be sentient. and now she helps with surveillance cos. she has wings? idk

xveca: she’s from a planet that was taken over by mars (space colonialism smh). she escaped, and was on her way to mars to fight those guys, but as she passed the sun her ship went haywire and she crashed on earth. duke and jupiter are the only ones who know she’s an alien. she’s very confused by earth customs and such. duke and jupiter have taught her a lot tho! she’s in charge of finding food

muffin: idk how she fits in the narrative actually. i never decided. she’s very sweet tho

bubbles: same here. he and muffin were such wasted potential </3 he loves to play!

bomb: she has an explosive temper (haha) but she’s loyal to the very end and very kind. she’s in charge of guarding the junkyard and handling threats however she sees fit (bing helps). she has this cool power where if she wants to she can explode, but it uses up one of her nine lives

now i need to design jupiter and dukes son and im golden! lmao

[charlotteiscrying]

222 days sober today. 222 days since you left, 222 days since every single aspect of my entire life changed. im kinda happy i lost everything at once. it could not physically have hurt more, but now that ive lived through, actually prospered through, the hardest 222 days of my 22 years of life, i feel like i can do anything. there is literally nothing, outside of death, that can hurt me more than ive already been hurt. not meaning that i haven’t been hurt by death, more meaning that death is the only thing that could hurt me more than fentanyl, hurt me more than you.

i try to remember the girl i was 222 days ago, the girl who was withdrawing n just so sick, with so much anxiety about giving up the only thing that ever made me happy in this world. i genuinely couldn’t keep using that stuff, i was at the point that i couldn’t physically get enough fentanyl up my nose to even feel just baseline 33% okay. even after i started smoking it, i couldn’t chase the dragon fast enough, or well enough, to ever feel okay.

that shit sucks. i think about that all the time when i see homeless people around the city. they are so sick all day every day, chasing some powder, that smells like actual ballsack, that will, only maybe, make them feel just barley okay for 15 mins. i was right there with them, n that’s the scary part. all it took was 2 years to get to the lowest rock bottom possible. going through an endless cycle of withdraw, hustle, buy, snort, repeat. every 30 mins.

im just so happy i can say ive changed in these past 222 days. i don’t even recognize myself when i look in the mirror. i look healthy, i have color in my skin again, ive actually gained almost 20 lbs. im on the tiny dose of methadone the rehab left me on, n thats actually made me accidentally quit alcohol and any and all benzodiazepines. same w mdma, acid, all hard drugs in general. all i do is smoke weed now.

im actually taking care of my body and my skin, its been borderline impossible trying to heal all this acne i have left from the fentanyl n all the toxins i was putting into my body. and the scars from all the times id scratch my skin open… im trying to heal them, but mainly im just proud of me for taking care of myself. and i’m so beyond proud that i actually enjoy doing my skincare now, i’ve made it a little routine thats such a nice break i can take for myself each day.

mentally, the hardest part of these 222 days has been you cheating on me. you know you didn’t break up with me first. you cannot gaslight me into believing that- you just didn’t break up with me. you also know i didn’t hallucinate 6 months of long distance. i didn’t hallucinate your facetimes every night, your promises that you love me, that there’s no other girls, that i have nothing to worry about. you obviously couldn’t admit to me just how much you had been using me. just how unfaithful you had been. you had been cheating long before i found out. long before. n i knew. im not dumb, i just get blinded by lust. by what could be. by what we could have been.

that’s another huge thing i’ve accomplished recently. realizing the difference between love and lust. i care about you, n i have a lot of lust for you, but i do not love someone who treats me how you have. i thought i loved you. i really did. i thought you loved me. that’s the crazier part. we made it through two years of addiction, fentanyl addiction at that, you went to prison, proposed to me, several of my cars got crashed, i od’d, you saved my life, we both got clean, made it through rehab, we were doing long distance for 6 months. we mf beat fentanyl. or- i did. you pussied out on day 2, then beat 5 doctors up until they shot you up with fentanyl to sedate you. you then proceeded to continue tweaking, so they’d give you more. you od’d. so you never detoxed, they detoxed you while you were asleep. you were awake for 48 hours of detox. i was awake, and conscious, through every second of it. i was in the emergency room for 22 days. in the telemetry unit actually, i had an arrhythmia, and tachycardia, from detoxing. i beat fentanyl. and i didn’t immediately turn to alcohol to satiate my cravings, either. i learned to look beyond them, to see what i already have right in front of me. that’s why, in 222 days, i’ve made all this progress, n you’re right back exactly where you left off. oh, and i know you’re back on fentanyl, too. i’d know that behavior anywhere.

im glad that i ruined juice wrld for you. same w my city, bmws, that gun you love so much that i was with you when you bought. all your favorite things reek of me- i love it. every day you get further and further from me, i realize just how much you used me. how much you didn’t care. how much you tricked me, how much you lied. how much I didn’t need you. 

you’ll never get to touch me again. you got to be with me at my lowest. congratulations. you never even met the real me. the sober me. you know i kinda am happy you left how you did. you ripped the bandaid off. it hurt so bad it made me realize i recognized that hurt from somewhere. i had gone through the emotions of being broke up with by you probably 22 times over.

im so excited to see what i do in the next 222 days. how much more progress i will have made. where i will go, the things i will do, the people i will meet. i hope im almost completely off the methadone, n i hope i have found many more things that make me happy. healthy things i mean. im just proud of myself. n so beyond excited for the future. i know its gonna be wayyy better than these last 2 years, and even better than these last 222 days.

- it was just 2:22AM :)

[gayowlsntitans]

CONT Cause tumblr wouldn`t let me add more to the original.

“Dude, you originaly shared a freakin' blog post while I shared medical sites. And now you share either news sites, or medical sites talking about FEMALE humans-trans or otherwise, not male.And sure, one kinda medical site that tries to humour people like you that buy into the bs that is trans women having periods-though once again the word period isn't a scientific word soooo….”

Because trans women ARE WOMEEN, We are talking about trans women here not trans men. You said “Trans women dot get periods” not trans men.Keep up dude. Theres multipack medical sites hat say the same thing as the one I linked. Is not bs, its been tested and proven, yuor the one believing the bs here that other radomes tell you cause you cant use yuor two braincells to form a cohesive thought to save your life. Trans women THEMSELVES say the have period like symptoms, they have periods, doctors have noted it.

The phantom period still have the same symptoms as PMS, cramps, bloating, cravings,etc.  So it’s still a period like all cis women  face,it’s still part of menstruation. 

“Once agan, menstruation is shedding of the lining of the uterus and phantom menstruation occurs when something is wrong, either cause of internal factors like endo, or external cause of removed uterus but remaining ovaries--in other words one has to be FEMALE.’

No it doesn’t, PCOS is in men and women, trans men and women  can also have ends, theres been studies on this too.https://www.jmig.org/article/S1553-4650(21)00559-8/fulltext

So no it’s not just FEMALE . 

“Also "Not every cis women bleeds during their period, are they suddenly not women anymore?"that's a strawman and you know it.”

Strawman: a distorted (and weaker) version of another person's argument that can easily be refuted

This isn’t a distorted view of your argument, you are saying “trans women dont bleed so they down have periods.” “Trans women dont have ovaries/uterus  so they dont have periods” Thats what you’ve been saying this whole time. Reread your argument and it’s right there.

“To conclude you keep conflating sex with gender when I only talk about the former, you share news articles and medical ones that talk about FEMALE humans not male-like that medical article about a uterus transplant, 

Because even in there articles trans women are considered women, and ive shown you  studies of both men and women with uterus transplants. 

https://journalofethics.ama-assn.org/article/should-uterus-transplantation-transwomen-and-transmen-be-subsidized/2023-06

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9259284/

In the OP`S post im pretty sure I mentioned trans men getting pregnant to, so I dont know what to tell you. 

“it was about a natal woman; and that NEWS article talks about a posibility which is nothing but a pipe dream when one knows and understands human anatomy, and also what entails organ transplants in general.”

You don`t even understand human anatomy if you don’t see trans women’s hips change on T and it’s possible for their hips to get bigger and wider, as ive pointed out above. And the rats was still successful, and theres been many tests done on rats getting different genitalia. Most doctors know it would work, and that it would help trans women, more than you and your limited knowledge of trans people.

A natal women helping make it possible for trans women In the future when you said it was just a pipe dream. If it was just a pipe dream it wouldn’t have even been tested before. It has been and trans women have been interested in in for awhile now. 

“So yeah, I'm out, and you keep living in fantasy land, and keep conflating things when arguing with others in the future and also with building strawmen in those arguments. Have a nice life, goodbye.”

You’re the one living in fantasy land here, can’t even understand a single thing about trans people or science behind it, yet your`re a nurse. Please learn your definitions and what a straw man, trans women, men, and menstruation is cause you have no idea what you’re talking about. Sorry you have to live with your last two braincells but hey thats what being a nerf does to you, makes you as dumb as Patrick Star. Have the life you deserve, goodbye.

[jenniefromdblock]

Drained

[Originally posted on JULY 21, 2021 ]

I rushed my mom twice to the ER the other day (7/16/2021) due to her complaining about an excruciating pain on her left side.

I woke up with her moaning in pain around 7am, so I immediately got up and packed a lot of disinfectants and my laptop (I had to work) and drove to 2 goverment hospitals’ ER. The 1st one just referred us to the 2nd, the 2nd just prescribed meds. They were prioritizing COVID patients, even though their ERs are empty (shoutout to the 2nd which is QCGH). I’m not going to comment on how they handled our situation because I know they have their “reasons”. Since Mom was still in so much pain, we went ahead to Capitol Med. Yes, I know it is private and expensive but fuck it. It’s Mom.

We arrived at around 11am (I had no concept of time, I just wanted the day to be over) and we were immediately attended to. Mom was hooked up to an IV (omeprazole at first, then liquid paracetamol), blood works, urinalysis, and xray were done. When I asked her, she says the pain was level 8 and went to intermittent. There were also times that it goes away. According to her urinalysis, they found specks of blood, so they Rx’d Mom to be CT scanned for suspected kidney stones. During that time I kept on asking her if she can manage the pain, etc. She was like meh, and we were already given prescriptions so we decided that we will sign the waiver to not perform the CT Scan at that moment (the reason and backstory later). We were discharged around 4pm.

I was able to settle a bit when we got home and go back to working. Not even two hours later, Mom was again writhing in pain and she was crying “Lord, please make it stop.” Her pain tolerance is so high that seeing her in that situation was very alarming, so thats when I decided to ask my sister to call an ambulance (I was no longer in the right mental and emotional state to drive at that moment) while I prepare the stuff we need in case she gets confined.

We were brought again to Capitol Med because at least they already know us, the guard was literally like “Uy, parang kanina lang…”. We agreed to do the CT Scan and results says the pain is caused by kidney stones.

Also, even though my Mom doesn’t feel anything, they saw an 8x12x12 benign cyst on her right ovaries. While the doctor assured us its nothing and can be treated easily, they referred us to an OB GYN, who explained the next steps for treatment to us.

Honestly at that point, I hear garbled messages. I can no longer process anything because all I worry about was how the fuck am I going to pay for the hospital bills because I am super bankrupt.

The Backstory: I was retrenched in December 2020 and we were trying to survive off my separation pay (which isn’t that big amount so if you ask me, no I didn’t even have the chance to enjoy it). In April 2021, I got a freelancing job and I am in contract until December, which I am very thankful for. But what I earn is just enough for the utility bills and monthly groceries for 3 people. Yes, I also have been the provider in this house.

I only have Php 1,000 ($20) in my bank account. I have 2 credit cards that I have not been using and been paying off so I can cut it.

But I had to. I maxed out the limit of my first credit card to settle the hospital bills during our ER Visit #1. I had no choice but to do the same for my second to pay off ER Visit #2, not to mention the prescribed medicines worth 2 weeks. Oh btw, the OB GYN consultation fee needed to be paid in cash, so yeah goodbye 1k. Before, I psych myself bankrupt but I still have like 10k+ in the bank. But now, I am literally, really, very, zero balance.

At this point I am not sure how will I be able to bring her to a urologist, another OB GYN session and possible operation.

Well, going back to the main story… we got home around 12am. Mom was still in pain but at least we know the cause. Also, the pain reliever works so Mom was able to sleep enough.

I am still mentally and emotionally drained. Most of all, financially.

So that’s how the day went.