#& most of the time any issue is induced by the men which sucks so bad lmao but yeah…it’s a steep hill to climb at times

[maiteo]

my co-worker (one of the few women in this office) was finally nice to me today

[petrichor-idyllic]

Hi! Could I request a newt x nonbinary!reader where reader is put into the maze without remembering that they’re trans, but then they realise and come out and ask people to use they/them pronouns - especially with newt first but reader is worried that he won’t accept them or like them back but yay feelings are returned in the end

Thank you so much!!

Absolutely I can.

UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTANCE

MASTERLIST | NEWT MASTERLIST

SUMMARY: See above. Takes place before the arrival of Thomas.

WARNINGS: Inappropriate language, gender queer distress, struggling to come out to people, one sarcastic sex joke from Minho, I've tried my hardest to figure out how to write this so I'm sorry if this is bad - sorry.

You've always felt out of place in the Glade.

At first, you figured it was just because you're in the middle of a giant changing Maze without any knowledge of who you are - which would make sense.

But as you watched the other Gladers adapt and accept themselves and their situations; you didn't.

You always felt strange in your body, and you hated it when people referred to you in any way, shape or form. A lot of the boys started thinking you were just shy and didn't want to be involved. But, in reality, the internal cringing that takes place whenever anyone ever talks about you is enough to knock you physically sick.

It took you a long time to figure things out, and a slightly awkward drunken conversation with Alby.

Despite Gally's Special Brew making your brain fuzzy, you still remembering the conversation embarrassingly well.

But thank God it was with Alby.

Alby is a harsh leader and keeps his men on a tight leash, but he also deeply cares about you all. So, when he came up to you, asking if you were okay and you immediately burst into tears, he was beyond experienced enough to deal with it.

It did take him back for a second, though.

Alby has dealt with a lot of emotional situations. From Minho's stress-induced mental breakdowns behind closed doors to Newt's gay crisis - he's witnessed it all. He's dealt with it all.

It was a strange realisation, and you didn't expect Alby to be the one to point it out, but you became aware of your gender identity.

It was like something clicked.

Alby was the first person you asked to refer to you as they.

And he was the only person for a while. You became close because if that.

Then he accidentally called you they in front of Minho. You panicked but Minho didn't care.

He shrugged it off but started also referring to you as they.

Slowly, you started to tell more Gladers, and all of them were pretty accepting.

You begin to realise that they just don't care. Everyone has bigger things to care about. Sure, the drunk philosophy conversations around a Bonfire about sex, love and gender are interesting. But they don't actually mean anything to the boys. They have far too much on their plates for that to be at the forefront of their concerns.

Even the less accepting boys don't really care. There's a couple of confusing looks or sparky questions, but that's it. Which sucks, but apart from that, everyone is very accepting.

But that doesn't make you any less scared of someone not being accepting.

And that specific person is Newt.

Which is ridiculous.

And you know it's ridiculous.

Newt is easily one of the most accepting person in the Glade, and it's pretty much an open secret that he doesn't like women. If anything, he's the person to go to for any identity or LGBTQ+ issues.

Which is why it would hurt so much if he didn't accept you.

You're only really out to a few people, but it feels like everyone. But despite people's views, they've all agreed to keep it to themselves until you gain the courage to tell everyone. And the next step is telling Newt.

It really doesn't help that you have a small crush on the boy.

Small.

Oh, so small.

Teeny-weeny, you could say.

You are a liar.

You're borderline infatuated.

Deep down, you know Newt will accept you.

But what if he doesn't?

What if you catch him on a bad day? And he laughs at you or tells you to piss off?

The thought is enough to send waves of anxiety through you.

"It's really not a big deal, dude," Minho hums from next to you in his hammock. You've, for some reason, been hanging around the Keeper since Alby exposed you. He's surprisingly good at being a comfort.

Probably from the traumas of the Maze and dealing with stressed Runners.

"It's a big deal to me," you mumble, legs crossed as you draw lines in the dried dirt in the floor in front of you.

The sticks holding Minho up creak as he turns to lie on his side. The other boys are talking around the main area of the Glade, where they just hang out after a hard day's work. Minho often calls it an early night because he doesn't have time for the petty stuff in the Glade.

Which obviously means he has to deal with you and your problems instead.

"Dude, he's not gonna give a shuck. You're buggin' out for no damn reason. Newt's one cool shank, and you know that. Just tell him. Half of us know anyway, and it's only a matter of time before Alby slips up again."

That is a daunting thought.

"But what if he-?"

"What if he doesn't accept me? What if he doesn't like me back? What if he doesn't want to make sweet, sweet love to me all night long because I changed some funny little words about myself?" You look over your shoulder, glaring at the boy as he mocks you. He grins, sitting up in his hammock and attempting to adjust himself.

He almost slips, which is kind of funny.

"Slim it, shank - I'm tellin' ya. It'll be all good. Just... tell him when you're good and ready, if ever." You let out a huff as Minho tries to drop the sarcasm and attempts to be genuine. "Though, I'm am gettin' shuckin' sick of hearing about it, so if you could do it sooner rather than later; it would be appreciated."

You pull your lips into a thin line, grimacing at the boy. "I hate you, you know?"

"Nah," he flops back down. "You love me, really. Now, either shuck off and get some sleep or go get your man - keep me out of it."

You grumble to yourself, walking away and over to your hammock. Well, you get about halfway there when you slow down to look at Newt.

He's casually leaning against a plot holding up a torch, laughing along with Frypan and another boy whose name you can't place. His golden locks are illuminated by the flame and his cool but casual stance makes your heart melt.

You have to tell him.

You want to tell him.

"Screw it," you change your course of direction and start marching over to him. Your stomach is a bundle of knots and you feel like you've just woken up from a rough night of drinking.

But you keep going.

Until you stop dead in your tracks.

God, he's pretty.

He's pretty and kind, and kind of nihilistic, and he's probably the most level-headed person in this place.

How were you ever meant to stand a chance?

So, obviously, your nerves buckle and you decide better.

Nope. You're not doing this.

"(Y/N)?" Newt's accent stops you mid-escape, forcing you to awkwardly spin back around to face him.

"Hey," the word comes out strained as you offer an awkward wave.

"Hey, haven't really seen you about recently," he stands up straight, causally slipping his hands into his pockets. "You a'ight?"

His voice, his hair, his dark eyes - everything about him makes you melt.

No wonder Minho's sick of hearing about this shit.

"Y-" your voice breaks, and you have to clear your throat to hide it, "Yeah, I'm good."

He gives you a nod before vaguely gesturing towards his companions. "You wanna join? Fry managed to get his hands on an early batch of Gally's mystery recipe."

"Nah, I'm good, thanks," you go to leave again, but stop yourself.

You've got to get this over with.

"Actually," you clearly your throat again, "can I, uh, can I talk to you, for a second?"

Newt's eyebrows raise slightly. "Yeah, sure - 'course."

You nod for him to follow you, and he does. You walk to the edge of the Deadheads, where you stop and look at him.

"So, uh..." You very quickly trail off.

Where to start?

Okay, so, I really like you and also I don't fit the gender-binary. Okay, bye.

Yeah, don't think that'll work.

"Are you okay?" He steps closer to you. "You've been distant for the last few weeks - I'm starting to get worried."

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just have to tell you a couple of things." You glance at the floor before your eyes flickering back up.

"Okay." You hesitate and he continues. "You know you cab tell me anything, right?"

"Yeah, I know... okay, so uh, basically... Okay. I don't identify as male or female, and I go by they/them pronouns - a-and I would appreciate it if you respected... that."

You look him in the eye and he just tilts his head.

"You wanna used they/them?"

"Yep."

"Okay, cool. They/them it is then."

You blink. Once. Twice. And again.

"What?" He asks. "What is it?"

"You're fine with that?"

He smirks, his eyebrows furrowing, amusement written across his face. "Yeah? Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well... I just... sorry, I've been buggin' over it."

"Really? C'mon, (Y/N), you know I ain't gonna judge ya."

"Yeah, I know, I was just being dumb."

"Yeah, you were," he rocks on his heels for a second. "Wait, what was the other thing?"

"Huh?"

"You said you had two things to tell me?"

Honestly, the relief that you'd experienced made you completely forget that you're in love with this man.

"Oh, right, yeah, uh... okay, you might actually judge me for this one." You try to laugh it off but he seems concerned more than anything. "I kinda, maybe... like you?" You didn't mean for it to be a question, but that's what it is now.

His expression falters at this.

"W-what?" He splutters out.

Newt isn't sure if he heard you correctly. He's never told anyone, but he's actually had a crush on you since you showed up in the Box. He likes your work ethic and the way you treat people.

So, you'll have to forgive him when his words catch in his throat.

"Ithinkimaybesortahaveamassivecrushonyou."

He blinks. "Okay, one more time, you said that way too fast."

"I really like you, Newt - I have a crush on you."

You're not sure what you expected, but as Newt starts to smile, that familiar feelings of butterflies fills your stomach.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he grins.

"Thank God for that," he scoffs, "I thought you were gonna tell me you're dying or some klunk."

You snort at this, shaking your head. "Nope, not dying."

"Good. Couldn't have my partner dying on me, could I?"

Your eyes widen. No... surely not.

"Partner?"

"Yeah, like a couple," he pauses. "That's the right word... right?"

"...You wanna be a couple?"

"Yep," he pops the p, "believe it or not; I like you too."

"You do?"

"Yeah," he steps forward, standing a few inches away from you. "I do." His eyes fall to your lips. "Can I kiss you?"

You nod, leaning in, your noses brush before your lips meet. It's a quick peck, and when you pull apart, he's grinning like an idiot.

"I think we make a pretty good couple, don't you?" He kisses the end of your nose and you roll your eyes.

This has taken me embarrassingly long to get through, so I apologise.

"Couldn't agree more."

Anyway, hope yall enjoyed :))

[itsclydebitches]

Is it bad that I feel Penny’s 2nd permanent death has cheapened the stakes to me to such an extent I don’t care if the character’s life are in danger or even ended? Unless they die in a particularly gruesome manner…I don’t care. Penny’s death was cheap, tasteless, and I think sucked all the stakes to me.

I've personally had a problem with RWBY's death stakes ever since Weiss' injury in the Haven fight. Making that an episode cliffhanger when we all knew RT would never commit to killing one of the main four, using that as the means of unlocking Jaune's semblance, and then, importantly, never following up on how Weiss deals with a near-death experience felt quite cheap to me. It was a moment where death/grievous injury was used only for the week long shock value (similar to Oscar's disappearance in Volume 6) and a means of furthering Jaune's abilities rather than Weiss' emotional growth (particularly egregious in a show where 99% of the cast already has their semblances unlocked. Revealing them in a dramatic, life-or-death situation was never an expectation). The fact that it was such a departure from how the story treated Yang in the past — committing to her injury and allowing her time to come to terms with it — just made it all the worse.

However, though this was one moment out of one volume that fans might be willing to overlook for a variety of reasons, Volumes 7-8 just failed so spectacularly and so often that yeah, death has no real meaning in this show anymore.

Let's tally things up:

Clover dies in large part to Qrow's stupidity. This is never acknowledged.

Qrow instead swears vengeance against Ironwood. They never meet again.

Whether everyone agrees or not, this entire situation came too close to queerbaiting for some fans.

Clover's corpse/the environment is badly animated, leading to confusion about whether he actually died.

Oscar is shot off of Atlas in a move that would have been a killing blow if not for Ozpin's unexpected magic. He never works through this and likewise never even explains things to the rest of the group, adding to the secrets issue.

The councilman is randomly shot by Ironwood, signaling his fast-track towards villainy.

The Ace Ops and, more importantly, Winter all witness this, yet it has no impact on them remaining loyal until leaving him serves the plot.

Ironwood tearing the flesh off his arm to save everyone from Watts is treated as evidence of his lack of humanity and the prosthetic he gets carries is designed to highlight how Evil he is now.

Fria dies which has little emotional weight because we knew nothing about her. She was quite literally only a vessel for the powers and was treated as such by the story.

The Hound, introduced as an incredibly formidable foe, is done in by a badly developed power and a falling suit of armor. There's no interest in who that faunus was, only what this implies for Summer.

Hazel death is confusing af. He couldn't have burned to death that fast. Oscar's cane shouldn't have hurt him based on what else we see. Where's the body? All of this follows a split-second "redemption."

Vine sacrifices himself and no one cares because we knew nothing about him. Also it's kind of weird to frame his heroic suicide as, you know, heroic after a volume of telling Penny she can't do the same. It's just weird mixed messaging.

Rhodes was killed incredibly fast by his kid student and although I care a little about him, the general consensus is that this was a girlboss moment because flawed men trying to help are the worst, right? Far worse than a villain we established in Episode One.

Watts presumably burns to death off screen.

Ironwood presumably drowns off screen.

Jacques is blown up without any of his family knowing about it. He's blown up because Winter just... left Ironwood's gun-gun by the cell?

The community is still debating whether Maria and Pietro are alive. Was Amity still falling? Was there any way off? Why don't any of the characters worry about them, one of whom is Pietro's daughter?

Yang "dies" after a single hit and only Blake gets to react to that.

The rest of the group (plus Jaune) quickly follow, to the surprise of no one.

Penny is resurrected with little fanfare, is stripped of her cyborg nature, gears up to take on Cinder with Weiss and Jaune, is instantly taken out, and then convinces the healer of the group to kill her.

The Altas arc has so much death and grievous injury — clearly trying to be the next Volume 3 — and yet none of it has an (enjoyable) impact on me. Sometimes that's because RT is killing off side characters they never bothered to develop. Sometimes it's because the writing is so confusing idek if the character is dead. Sometimes it's because the circumstances induce anger rather than grief. Penny's second death definitely caused a reaction, but not the one RT was going for. I was frustrated with how badly constructed this suicide was, disappointed in how the circumstances leading up to this erased so much that's wonderful about Penny's character, and yeah, disgusted that we were right back to that Volume 5 Weiss scenario: here's the graphic death/almost death of one of the girls to forward his story. Only this time, instead of just getting a cauterized spear to the gut, RT thought assisted-suicide via sword was the way to go.

Penny's original death was heart wrenching. Pyrrha's was tragic due to how avoidable it was. Roman's was shocking and perfect for setting the new stakes. We didn't know if Ozpin survived, but back then that was the point — a mystery to reveal next volume — not because the scene was badly constructed, or the writing seemingly just forgot that characters existed. And again, flawed as it was in some respects, we got a story of Yang losing an arm and coming to terms with that. Now, we get the story of a man losing his arm and that makes him lose his intelligence and conscience too, I guess.

I'm trying to think of a post-Volume 3 death that hit home and I'm coming up short. But deaths like Sienna or Tock, while carrying their own problems, didn't really hint at the over-arching problem with character deaths the story now has. With the comparative wealth of fatalities we got in Volumes 7-8, I was finally able to step back and go, "Wow. Right...none of that did anything for me." And yeah, as one of the most shocking deaths, as a second death, and as one of the oldest and most beloved side characters, Penny encapsulates that best of all.

[pochapal]

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

[saezutte]

yuletide letter 2020

Dear Yuletide Writer, 

Oh, hello again. I didn’t see you there.

This year, I have transcended earthly desires and struggled to find any fandoms to request. I want nothing. I wish my cat was nominated as a Yuletide fandom so we could all write stories about her life. 

Nonetheless, I have some small requests!!!! I believe you can make me happy in ways I’ve never been happy before. I trust you. Happy end of 2020, the cursed year, I hope you are blessed with rest. 

My AO3: saezutte

My public twitter: juncassis

My tumblr: here but I do not use tumblr much anymore, sorry.

Do Not Wants

[note: I have no actual triggers, nothing you can write for me will make me any more depressed or anxious than I already am]

Death (of major/important/beloved characters)

Suicide attempts, self-harm

Rape (outright; OK with dub con, manipulation, noncon short of violent-rape-for-violence-only)

Eating disorders, body shaming

Angst without a happy ending, really too much angst at all

Established relationship

Cheating

Actual Unrequited Feelings

Pregnancy (the actual process; breeding kink is fine)

Scat or watersports

Hard BDSM or any kink complicated enough that the characters would have to discuss it ahead of time

Homophobia as a plot device

Excessive attention to identity or politics, sometimes known as “issue fic”

Note on AUs: I am ok with the usual popular AU tropes but I do not want them combined, e.g. A/B/O is fine and coffeeshop is fine, but I don’t want an omega barista getting his scent all over the lattes he makes for some alpha lawyer who comes in every morning. (Ridiculous example, but you get the point.) For AU/modern settings of fandoms with magic, I often like it when the magic is still there in the AU setting. I also like AUs which maintain the general outlines of the character’s relationships, like if the characters are childhood friends in canon, I like to keep that intact.

General preferences:

I am a pretty basic bitch when it comes to fanfic: I like it when two clueless boys pine for each other through some shenanigans and then lock eyes/lips/dicks.

If you fed a neural net every fanfic written in Stargate Atlantis fandom between 2005 and 2010, the result would probably be some nonsense I’d enjoy.

I love many tropes. Tropes! Bed-sharing. Sharing an umbrella. WASHING EACH OTHER’S HAIR? Confessions where they are having an argument and then one of them yells “Because I love you!”

I love situations where characters are forced to spend time in close proximity and find themselves with feelings.

I love fakeness: fake dating, fake marriage, arranged marriage, marriage of convenience, fake lust induced by sex pollen or heats, aliens make them have sex, whatever.

I love porn, if you want to just write me some quick porn, that’s great. I do prefer (per the established relationship DNW above) that it be first time or get together porn. I know that can make it hard to just write porn, but I don’t need much to be convinced of sex.

Nirvana in Fire (TV)

Requested characters: Mei Changsu, Xiao Jingyan

Note: I also love Lin Chen so if you want to write some MCS/LC or LC/Fei Liu or LC/MCS/JINGYAN OT3??? go for it. I am also a Nihuang/Xia Dong shipper so if you want to put that in… somehow… my gay little heart would be happy. I also like Nihuang/MCS/XJY or MNH/MCS + MCS/XJY but I’d like the focus on the men in that case!

I watched this show because someone recommended this show to me as, like, Chinese Game of Thrones but good. I think it’s genuinely one of the best TV shows I’ve ever seen. I love plots and revenge and good people doing bad things for justice. Even the ending is good for me though obviously it left me unsatisfied on several points.

I am deeply into sickly doomed genius MCS and every time he got even more deeply ill, I fell deeper in love. Every time he coughs up blood, my heart would race. I love his terrible schemes and stupid self-sacrificing choices. I find watching this show very soothing because I knew he would always come out on top in his schemes. I trust him. I love handsome clueless Jingyan and how he’s just so good (it’s terrible.) I love his mom and how much he cares for her. I love him but he is useless, he needs his Xiao Shu and I need fanfic to restore him to him.

Note: So my limited research on this says that male/male sex practices were accepted and well-known in this time period in history, so I really don’t want them thinking “oh no what are these weird gay feelings.” There are other barriers to them being together, like a ruler or official being overly attached to one person was considered very bad. I am also a big supporter of the socially-approved polygamy of this time period, so I don’t need Jingyan to refuse to sleep with his wife or something out of loyalty to MCS—he has to do it! Or all their plans are ruined! And he can enjoy spending time with her or the concubines without affecting his feelings for MCS—you could explore that complexity in fic if you like.Prompts:

Mei Changsu isn’t dead, he’s hiding again, Jingyan searches for him

They start having sex during the series, the ending is averted [somehow]

Post-canon, MCS is alive and Jingyan hides him in the palace with his consort/concubines to keep him on as an advisor without anyone objecting

omega verse where MCS was an alpha before he “died" but an omega after he came back.

AU where male/male marriage is customary (maybe aristocratic men are expected to have one male and one female consort?) and so MCS decides the best way to influence and help Jingyan in the capital is by becoming his wife or one of his concubines

anything just get them together and happy.

Tokyo Babylon 

Characters: Subaru, Seishiro

I read Tokyo Babylon as a child and I imprinted on it deeply, now I love politics, ghosts, stalking, age differences, magic. Within the CLAMP canon, I love TB for its episodic focus on smaller stories, the commentary on contemporary society, and Seishiro being an outright creep. I love onmyojutsu and exorcism and Subaru’s innocence getting ruined. I love the city of Tokyo (where I currently live! but do not be intimidated, I don’t know the city well because we’ve been in quarantine most of the time I’ve been here and won’t judge you for details.) I’m open to fics that comply with X canon or not.

With Seishiro/Subaru: It’s bad but I love that predator/prey dynamic where the predator ends up being hopelessly entranced/obsessed/in love with the prey. My read was always that Seishiro lost the bet and couldn’t admit it—he’s just, you know, killing twins to avoid dealing with his feelings! Relatable! (?!?!) Subaru, I love particularly in his evolution from innocent to adult in love to betrayed. I’d prefer post-TB fic to during-TB fic (so Subaru knows Seishiro’s deal and loves him anyway.) I am also a fan of Hokuto and you should feel free to bring her back to life to troll if you desire.

Prompts:

AU or reincarnation plot where they are Heian period rival onmyoji

Because this is such a heavily place-based series, if you are a writer who likes to play with details of real life locations, I’d be interested in versions of different “Babylons” if you have an idea for it.

Tragic first times post-TB lol

Seishiro is a virgin the first time they have sex

I’d probably love some fucked up dub con for this, however you want to play it

Honestly, do whatever you want as long as you don’t fuck me over like CLAMP did.  

プリティーリズム | Pretty Rhythm

Characters: Hiro, Koji

Pretty Rhythm came to me at a weird time in my life. I lived in a house of spiders in Yokohama and did nothing for eight weeks. King of Prism cheer screening transformed my life and I didn’t even know what it was. Then I got weirdly deep into Rainbow Live and the Pretty Rhythm franchise overall. I am a scientist of prism theory. Idk why I like it, it’s just wholesome and crazy and there are penguins and DJ Koo. I love every TRF song because I’m a 90s gay at heart. It’s truly the end point of all media development. The prism world represents the fearsome power of virtual/digital+real hybrid life. Yes, I know I’ve lost my mind. I went to one of the real Prism Stone stores, the one in Harajuku.

Hiro Hayami: one time a fujoshi asked me to describe what types of anime boys I like and the first type I listed was “prince but bad” and my example was Hiro. Hiro is the crazy gay stalker disaster of my heart. He overcomes great hardship to achieve his dreams and foolishly falls in love along the way and he does everything wrong and Koji keeps leaving him. The moment when Hiro is crowned King of Prism in Pride the Hero was one of the top ten moments of my life. I made friends who don’t even know Japanese watch the movie unsubtitled with me on my birthday.

With Koji, I’m a bit guilty of “I want to give the character I love the most the character he loves the most” so I do like him less (it would be impossible to like him equal to how much I love Hiro). But he has many good points that make him perfect, like how he also sucks underneath his chill exterior. I love to see him go apeshit.

I also love everyone else in Rainbow Live, no exceptions. I love all the girls. If you do write the girls, I would prefer they not be paired with the OTR boys. I would prefer they be paired with each other, any combo is good.

Prompts:

this is the sort of pairing where I love fic where they split up and then 15 years later meet again as washed up has-beens but there’s still time for them to find each other

Canon-compliant companion piece showing the “background” of them getting together romantically over the course of the series.

AU where Koji is a prism world fairy sent to inspire Hiro but Hiro is kind of a mess

dirty, dirty porn… let Hiro get fucked

I have a lot of doujinshi with multiple copies of Hiro (a la the Mugen Hug jump) but I’d like something where Hiro gets overwhelmed by many Kojis

They start fake dating as a publicity stunt and have to keep doing it… especially good if it starts when Koji is at max hating Hiro level

Ring Fit Adventure 

Characters: Dragaux, Ring

Keeping this one simple: I like to be encouraged to exercise by a storyline and a trainer that never mentions weight loss, lol. The world is fun and pretty and I love that buff dragon.

AND THEN THE PAIRING. I’m sure Nintendo has some market research that told them a certain subset of users are very motivated by enemies who seemed to once be lovers or best friends. I am that user.

What is up with these two? They were so in love! Now Dragaux is a horrible swole bro (not in a good bro way) and Ring is training me instead? I can’t compete with their love. It’s the only time the game makes me feel inadequate.

You can keep Dragaux and Ring as dragon/ring-like as you like. Obviously I’m down with dragon fucking but you can also make him a human fucker too. I play with Ring on the masculine voice setting for maximum BL vibes as I exercise, but, you know, it’s a ring, I don’t think it has gender. Feel free to incorporate the player or other random characters too.

Prompts:

AU where Dragaux and Ring owned a gym together and Dragaux sold out to a big chain of gyms

What happened between them when Dragaux was still captured, pre-game? Bondage… literally??

Ring is always bossing me to train, but I’m really doing all the work. Why doesn’t he fight Dragaux on his own for once?? (because the sexual tension is too powerful.)

Tragic flashback to their dramatic break-up ending with their present day reconciliation.

Player/Dragaux/Ring threesome??? I’ve unlocked the sexercises???

With all fandoms, you are free to disregard the prompts and do your own thing. If you’re not sure about me, you can probably dm seriesera on twitter, she knows what I’m into. 

Well, I suppose that’s all for now. Please stalk me online to get more details on my bullshit. I hope you have a nice time.

Best,

Caitlin 

[travllingbunny]

The 100 6x03 The Children of Gabriel

The last episode was a character-based one focused on our protagonists and the issues simmering below the surface, which came out during the eclipse-induced psychosis. This one was very much focused on world-building, and was such an overload of new information about two new groups of potential antagonists that I had to watch it twice to pick up all of it. But while there was no time for any longer talks about feelings and character stuff, there were quite a few small and/or subtle character moments that were quite meaningful.

We finally get the introduction of Russell Lightbourne (JR Bourne), the leader of the „peaceful“ society of Sanctum, and a few other characters, including his wife Simone, and we get a look at how their society works; and we also meet, for the first time, the mysterious people who are lurking in the woods and appear to be some sort of a rebel/guerrilla group, and who are referred to as „the children of Gabriel“. The first thing I did after seeing the episode was to make a Twitter poll: „Who is creepier?“ with the third option: „Both are super creepy“. At the moment, Russell’s people are presented as pseudo-good guys, but everything about them all but screams that their society is very sinister. The „children of Gabriel“, on the other hand, are presented as pseudo-antagonists, and while I’m more inclined to see them as potential not-so-bad-guys, I would hesitate to call them good, either: they are very grey. And both groups give off cult vibes. It’s possible that there really are no good guys among the people on this planet – or if there is a someone else that may be a good guy, that it’s a third faction that we haven’t met yet – at least not in the present.

The hijackers from 6x02 indeed belonged to Russell’s people, so for a society that’s supposedly „peaceful“, they sure didn’t make a good first impression. Kaylee – that’s apparently the name of the woman who’s the sole survivor of that group of four – was blaming the Earthkru for killing three of them, while saying „we hurt no one“. Err, you came in masked, attacked their ship, tried to hijack it and took people captive. Of course they defended themselves, what the heck did you expect?! New planet, but yet again we have to deal with hypocritical people who attack the protagonists and then blame them for defending themselves. 

There’s no way that Russell and his society aren’t bad guys, right? They are elitist, self-righteous, judgmental, hypocritical, they believe in "special bloodlines" and treating some people as "disposable", they give off creepy cult vibes, Russell straight up makes a comparison between his society and Mount Weather after having heard the story about them – and while I don’t think that Sanctum people are too similar to Mountain Men, as I point out here, this is a big hint that this society is very sinister. They are giving me Capitol vibes (minus the actual Hunger Games, because they’re anti-violence). Including the bad kind of pacifism - the “war is terrible, but oppression, classism and treating people as disposable is OK, so anyone taking up arms to rebel against us is evil”. And I'm pretty sure they have been doing some sort of a mind transfer of the Primes (members of the four founding families from the Eligius 3 mission) into the brains of "hosts" (apparently, being a Nightblood makes you a suitable host) in a ceremony they call „Naming“. This may be technically just speculation at this point, but it’s really, really strongly hinted.

My theory on the „Naming“ ceremony however, is different than the popular opinion in the fandom that the Primes fully take over the bodies of the „hosts“ and that the hosts disappear I don't think it's a full replacement, but more like an upgrade, where the host is changed and the Prime is supposed to be in the driving seat. (Maybe it’s because I’m thinking of the skinchanging in A Song of Ice and Fire and some of the storylines in Dollhouse.) For starters, Delilah was not happy about becoming a Prime, but she didn’t seem to think that she would disappear and her body would be simply overtaken by someone else – and I think she would be way more freaked out if that were the case. Similarly, even in a cult, I can’t see parents being happy for their children to become Primes if it meant that their bodies are overtaken and that they basically disappear. And it would also make it a lot more interesting storyline – especially if the fandom speculation about in Clarke becoming a host for Josephine is correct (and it probably is, in some form – there are quite a few hints towards that, and the setup happened in this episode, when Rose, the blonde little girl who was meant to be a host for a Prime, was kidnapped/rescued by the Children of Gabriel). If the hosts were fully overtaken by the Primes, then this takeover is either never going to happen, or will never be full or will last very short, and Clarke will be saved. But if Clarke and Josephine can co-exist in the same brain for some time, this may open new storytelling possibilities – where Clarke is obviously not going to be obliterated by Josephine, but the two may co-exist in the same brain and body, fight for dominance but also possibly even be allies and work together, so to speak, and maybe help each other? This could indeed be the „acting challenge“ for Eliza Taylor that so many of the cast and crew have talked about.

But what kind of technology exactly are they using to transfer minds? The most likely theory is that it is derived from an early, less developed prototype of the chip/Flame, which Becca already worked on before the apocalypse. There are too many ties between Eligius Corporation, Becca and the Second Dawn. Madi will be in real danger if/when Russell and co. find out about the Flame.

The Children of Gabriel are more mysterious of the two group so far. Unlike the Sanctum people, they may end up being more on the (relatively) good side, and they're rebels fighting against the eternal dominance and prolongation of life of the Primes - but they still planned to kill the hosts as the B-plan if they couldn't kidnap/rescue them. So, killing the Primes is more important than protecting/saving people. Their chanting "death is life" and "death to Primes" also sounds cult-like (even though I think the words themselves are less sinister than they first sound, as they probably refer to stopping the endless cycle of Primes replicating themselves), and they are mostly motivated by trying to impress or get back into the good graces of "the Old Man"...  Is the Old Man Gabriel? I don’t know how he would still be alive, but I feel he is – but not through the same means as the other Primes are prolonging their lives, because CoG hate the Primes and what they do. In any case, this group seems just to be a group of guerrilla fighters, who have also infiltrated the Sanctum – but we haven’t seen whatever larger group of people they are part of, or what their settlements look like. Have they been cast out by the „Old Man“?  

Some big hints about the history of the planet were dropped: Gabriel is considered a "demon" and hated by Russell and his people, who tell the story of how he thought he could walk on water after being bitten by the snake whose poison works as an antidote to the seaweed poison. (The snake that was named by Josie.) Meanwhile, Russell Lightbourne is worshiped as a savior. But it is Russell who has the last name that's very similar to "Lucifer" (which means lightbearer), even though Gabriel seems to be the one who was cast out of this "paradise", or didn't want to be a part of it. And apparently, Russell has the same first name as Sean Maguire’s character we met in the flashback in 6x02, the astronomer and Josie’s father – and is probably his latest incarnation. But Russell was the one who killed many of the original Primes during his eclipse-induced psychosis, shouting „Sanctum is mine“, while Gabriel, the geneticist, Josie’s boyfriend, was the one who got away and survived. So what is going on? False history?

But while the new characters and societies are intriguing, what is more interesting is how it all affects our protagonists. I don't know how long it will be till they start realizing that how sinister this peaceful society is (they don’t have all the info they need as of now), but right now, they are too focused on the fact that they need someone to teach them how to survive on this planet (with not just eclipse-induced psychosis, but also poison seaweed, swarms of bugs, meat-eating trees and so many other weird and dangerous things), which is why trying to convince them to accept them into their society seems to them, understandably, like the best course of action.

At the same time, the fact that Clarke, Bellamy and the others want to find peace and be the „good guys“ as Monty told them, is another reason why they are likely to try to see Russell’s people in a good light. I feel like Sanctum is going to be a temptation to Clarke in particular (based on this episode and trailer hints) for multiple reasons, and they are already trying to suck her in. It feels like a peaceful, happy place, with things that she has only read about and maybe seen on videos but never in real life – such as dogs. (Having an adorable dog come up to you is truly one of the biggest temptations possible.) She gets to wear beautiful dresses, Russell acts nice to her, and kind of looks like her father. But her emotional state is especially making her vulnerable. She feels so much guilt and wants to do better, wants to ensure this better life for her people, while Russell and Simone (playing a good cop/bad cop) are interrogating her about the supposedly terrible past of her and her people. They are sitting there at a table with a huge banquet made just for three people, somewhere in their Renaissance Fair-like castle,  and being judgmental about the things they did to survive or protect their loved ones. And now that they know that she is a Nightblood, she is a target – but how far would Clarke go to try to ensure her people stay in Sanctum? Would she even agree to be a host, both for them and because she’s had self-loathing and suicidal thoughts, so losing herself into someone else’s consciousness may be additionally appealing to her in her current state?

Some themes that have always followed Clarke’s character are: privileged background (reflected in her nickname „Princess“, which I think fans tend to romantcize way too much), tendency to take on too much responsibility, to take charge, but also to isolate herself, desire to save people (which may be either saving everyone – or just saving those she loves), ruthlessness in pursuit of that goal, self-sacrifice. One of the repeated situations throughout the show is: other leaders who have been Clarke’s allies/friends/occasional antagonists would tell her that she is "born to lead" just like they are (which may be just about her personal qualities and tendency to take charge and responsibility in tough situations, but also has some other, less pleasant connotations, when said by people who are royalty/„special bloodlines“ – for being born with Nightblood like Lexa, or as a son of a Queen, as Roan), and try to encourage her to treat people as disposable, as a part of making tough decisions. But no one has been so blatant about it to actually use the word „disposable“, as Russell has. And now he also thinks that Clarke literally has „royal blood“. (The funny thing about it is – she doesn’t, she became Nightblood through science. Emori was very close to becoming one instead. But you know what's even funnier? Everyone who is Nightblood /on Earth or on Sanctum/Alpha- became that through science, or their ancestors did. Of course, valuing people for their bloodline is nonsense, period.)

But Clarke had a few great moments in this episode that made me very happy. First she refused to bow to Russell, and then when she made it clear to Russell that she is going to risk herself first, not anyone else, and that „None of us are (disposable)“. But since those were things I expected, I was particularly happy that Clarke refused to be guilt-tripped about Mount Weather and made it clear that she wasn't going to apologize for saving the people she loves from those trying to murder them. YES. People have made Clarke feel guilty about that way too many times. What she, Bellamy and Monty did was the right thing to do, and most of the adults on Mount Weather were not innocent.

Murphy’s clinical death experience opens up a very interesting and completely new storyline. We’ve had characters talking about what they think happens after death, but (outside of characters whose minds are being preserved in the Flame), this is the first time someone has come close to seeing or thinking they had seen what happens after death. But is this really a normal clinical death experience, or did Murphy have hallucinations while still unconscious, caused by the poison or the antidote? It’s the first time anyone on the show has mentioned the concept of people going to hell due to their sins. I can’t wait to see what character development this causes in Murphy.

There wasn’t much talk about what happened during the eclipse-induced psychosis, which makes sense – people are simply aware that they weren’t really to blame and no one is holding it against anyone (not to mention that they have so much urgent stuff to deal with), but the deeper emotional issues are something that we know about and that I expected to be addressed later in the season. Naturally, they addressed what happened to Murphy the most, since they nearly lost him. Emori was as loving and caring to him as she was violent and murderous during the psychosis, and felt guilty over attacking him, while Bellamy comforted her pointing out that Murphy’s condition was not her fault but his. (These two had some very nice friendship moments in season 5, and it’s nice to see that again.) Bellamy and Murphy had a very warm friendship moment, and Raven showed her relief and happiness about him being alive in her usual snarky manner.

On the other hand, while Bellamy and Clarke didn’t talk about what happened during the psychosis, or what happened during season 5 (yet – we know from the trailer that a big conversation is coming, just not when), they confirmed the trust they have in each other through actions, and small moments of exchanging meaningful looks. Bellamy showed that he still trusts in Clarke’s ability to be again a leader and ambassador of their people– although it was, at the same time, a smart decision and quick thinking. Russell got the impression Clarke was the leader, from the way she was the one asking questions (which happened mostly because she was asking about Murphy’s condition, and later in particular when she was showing concern for Madi – these are the things that spur her into action), and, as Bellamy pointed out, Russell seems to like her, so it was a good idea to use that. Raven was rolling her eyes* (this happened shortly after she angrily remarked „I didn’t know you were giving orders again, Clarke“), and I wonder if she again thinks that Bellamy is „taking Clarke’s orders“ or „a knight by his queen’s side“ or whatever she thought in season 3, which wasn’t really true back then either – but that would especially be funny now, since Bellamy wasn’t relinquishing leadership at all: he has been the one telling everyone what to do and did that right after that scene, after Russell left, and no one has a problem with taking his orders. (Except Octavia, who’s not listening to anyone and still does whatever she wants.) In fact, telling Russell „She is. She can speak for us“ was also kind of giving Clarke a role – so he felt he needed to explain his reasons to her, immediately after Russell left. And unlike Raven, he is not threatened by Clarke being perceived as the leader, and her being his co-leader (one whose role is more of an ambassador who gets to interact with the other leader) is a return to a familiar dynamic that works.

Bellamy taking the responsibility to get Madi from the dropship and saying „I promise“, and Clarke silently accepting that and trusting him with her daughter’s safety, was a really important moment and callback to the most painful moments between them in season 5. It shows they are healing from the terrible misunderstandings – and that Clarke is now thinking about everything differently than she did at the time. Back then, she saw Bellamy’s actions, after he had promised her to keep Madi safe, as a deep, awful betrayal, but now she seems to understand that he saw putting the Flame in Madi as a way to protect Madi and Clarke and everyone else. It’s funny that the fandom was expecting a big and long separation between these two, but instead, they were reunited in the same episode – and the show still managed to use the short separation to show Bellamy walking away and looking back, and Clarke looking at him leaving with a sad, longing look (only interrupted by the adorable dog), and then a reunion with „you kept your promise“ heart-eyes.

*At this point, I feel a bit fed up with the constant bitter and angry remarks Raven is constantly throwing at Clarke. She has reasons to feel angry over Clarke’s betrayal in season 5, but it’s time they talk it out, because this is kind of annoying, especially when it’s the only thing Raven gets to do in the episode. Diyoza was amazing

A lot of people have remarked on the awkwardness of the hug between Bellamy and Echo, and there have been lots of comments about actor chemistry etc. – but thinking that acting choices are random or dictated by how actors feel about a fictional relationship is pretty insulting to the actors, and directors and editors, and also doesn’t make much sense: people who make the show are not incompetent, and all the moments of Bellamy showing more emotion and interest for Clarke compared to how he is with Echo, cannot be accidental, just like it can’t be accidental that there are so many times all three are framed within the same shot, with Echo positioned as the third wheel rather than Clarke. Echo herself may be increasingly noticing this, just as she may have noticed that Bellamy is valuing Clarke’s opinions more than hers or at least tends to agree with and side with her more. Echo suggested fighting, Clarke retorted that they should instead try to be friends and be welcomed in that society, and Bellamy said nothing, but obviously supported Clarke’s position later. (In season 5, when they were still on the ship and Clarke-less, Echo and Bellamy also had a big difference in opinion when Echo was suggesting they killed the 300 prisoners in their cryo-sleep, but Bellamy shut that down quickly, and Echo then agreed with him.) This could make her think that psychosis!Emori was right when she called her a spy „serving her master“, once again, which provoked Echo’s hallucination of her past with the Ice Nation and Queen Nia.

One thing that Echo decided and Bellamy wasn’t too happy about, but did not protest, was inviting Octavia to come with them and Raven to help bring Madi and others from the dropship. He probably realized that it was for the best that they take Octavia as far away from people they wanted to convince that they’re good and peaceful. But Echo may have done it as a combination of hoping Octavia and Bellamy reconcile – because she thinks it would be good for him – and because she values the fact that Octavia is a strong fighter. She respects people who are capable and can be ruthless (which is why she doesn’t blame Clarke, either), and the idea that it’s good to use Octavia’s abilities is similar to what Bellamy initially told her at the end of season 4, that she’ll be useful for them because she’s strong and can help them survive.

But Bellamy is not able to be so chill about things when Octavia is concerned. And she went and confirmed all the worst things he thought about her: that she is not trying to change at all, isn’t admitting any mistakes, and is going to use violence and kill people as her first choice, even when it’s not necessary. The fact that even Diyoza angrily pointed out that it wasn’t necessary shows that this was the case. Leaving Octavia behind may seem very harsh from Bellamy, as is his line that his sister died a long time ago, but I like the fact that he’s sticking to his guns and cutting her out of his life and not allowing her to be a part of the group before she shows a will to change, because an insta-forgiveness/ acceptance would prevent her from even trying – and would harm everyone else, too. At the same time, I don’t think he really wants her to die, contrary to what she said – it was obvious on his face how painful the decision was for him - and I don’t think he really thinks she will (Octavia is capable, has a sword, and has survived a lot of things before). He thinks that she needs to have her own soul-searching on her own – which is probably right.

Not that Octavia will be by herself, since she immediately attacked and got captured by the Children of Gabriel, led by a new character Xavier (Chuku Modu). Ironically, she may end up being the first to learn more about and maybe see the perspective of that group of people (after killing three of them for no good reason) – even though the first interactions are less than pleasant.

Another person who may get in touch with them is Diyoza, who got cast out of Sanctum by Russell, in spite of being 6 months pregnant, after he learned who she was. (I guess they don’t practice keeping people in prison for any longer period of time.) According to him, her reputation as an evil terrorist is so bad that her picture is in their history books next to Hitler and Bin Laden.  So how come they didn’t recognize her immediately? Unless he is exaggerating. Diyoza’s backstory is something I really, really want to know more about. Diyoza herself claimed in S5 that she was fighting against a „fascist“ government. Somehow I feel that she wasn’t really the evil one, especially when Russell and her people hate her.

Diyoza was amazing in this episode, again, and is quickly rising even more on my list of favorite characters. She was a no-nonsense and capable military person that she always is, and made snarky remarks to Gaia about the whole Madi being a Commander thing, basically that she should leave Madi alone to just be a child. Madi was herself a bit annoyed with Gaia’s lessons and snarky, but then felt just as insulted as Gaia when Diyoza made her comments, because she does take the Flame and her role seriously.

When Madi mentioned the scary, evil „Dark Commander“ (Sheidheda) that she sees in her dreams, Diyoza seemed like she had an idea who it may be. Someone from Second Dawn? It’s been speculated that it was Cadogan, though the figure seen in the trailer is not played by the same actor. (BTW, I know that Sheidheda means „Dark Commander“ (shade –dark, heda = commander), but I can’t be the only one thinking that the writers or the guy creating the Grounder speech had a sense of humor and intentioanlly made it sound like Sh*ithead?)

Jordan was adorable, and his romance with Delilah was as cute as insta-romances between two cute people who have just met can be, when they have nice chemistry - but he’s starting to learn that he shouldn’t trust people so easily and that his naivete can be very harmful to the group. He can’t go on being treated and acting as a child in a body of a man in his mid-20s.

This was a nice setup for the rest of the season. 

Rating: 8/10

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

1 - I feel like this message will be all over the place, I'm sorry. I just have to get it out. So I'm questioning my sexuality and have been for a while now, but I'm afraid to really think about it. I think I might be bi but it's hard to tell because I'm fairly sure I might be on the ace-spectrum as well which makes it extra hard to realize attraction since I don't think I feel sexual attraction. Or maybe I do but I'm just that dumb and don't get it?

2 - And at one point I thought I might actually be a lesbian bc my (romantic) attraction to men was paired with like a lot of nervousness and not actually wanting to date them if it came to it. But now that I have a crush on a girl (my first same gender crush that I can think of) it’s still the same; I’m super flustered around her and would do ridiculous things to impress her and just wanna hold her hand but if she were to ask me out I know I’d panic and decline.

3 - It doesn’t help that I’ve been depressed for years and I know my mental health is in a very bad place (but I’m getting therapy for it). Does that affect my confusion about my sexuality? I’m also very afraid to pick a label like bi or ace or both just in case I turn out not to be, I don’t wanna be “that straight girl” who tries to belong where she doesn’t you know?

4 - Doesn’t help that I’m terrified of the backlash I could potentially get if I was lgbt+, I don’t know if I could handle it, especially from my parents. I’m sorry if this is a lot, I’m just so confused.

I’m gonna go through this bit by bit again because there’s a lot of different issues and questions here. It’s gonna be a long reply but I don’t know how to condense it even more.

“I think I might be bi but it's hard to tell because I'm fairly sure I might be on the ace-spectrum as well [...] maybe I do but I'm just that dumb and don't get it?”Sexual attraction can be a difficult concept to understand especially if you’re on the ace-spectrum. But you’re not “dumb” for having trouble with this. You simply live in a society that treats sexual attraction a standard experience that ~everyone~ is supposed to have so it’s not really talked about what it really means. Of course it’s an individual thing to an extend but generally speaking, sexual attraction means you can look at someone (even a random stranger) and feel a desire to have sex with them. It doesn’t mean one has to act on that desire but it’s certainly a “oh this person is hot - I wanna bang!!” in the most primitive sense lol I can imagine that being on the ace-spectrum can make it harder to explore what other types of attraction you might experience and to which genders. But it’s not impossible. There’s plenty of asexual/biromantic people and I’d recommend trying to talk to some of those as well and just generally get involved with the ace community.

“my attraction to men was paired with like a lot of nervousness and not actually wanting to date them if it came to it [...] but if she were to ask me out I know I’d panic and decline.”I mean... what you talk about regarding men can be a sign of being a lesbian but I guess it can also just as well be a sign of being asexual since “dating” and “relationships” are often associated with sex and though some ace people do have and enjoy sex there’s also sex-repulsed asexuals. So if you genereally don’t want to have sex or are iffy about it that explains why you backed off whenever you had the chance to date someone - bc you thought this would have to lead to sex which you may or may not want to have. Regarding the girl you currently have a crush on, the whole ~being ace and possibly sex-repulsed~ can also play a part plus internalised queerphobia. Since you struggle to accept your queerness and you currently don’t dare claiming a label for yourself it’s evident that you have a lot of shame that needs to be unpacked. As long as you have this much anxiety about your (a)sexuality and potential biromanticism your gut reaction to a girl’s advances will be panic. It’s not surprising. Crushing on a girl forces you to think about being bi and since you’re scared of facing this reality it’s a logical consequence that you’re freaking out!

“It doesn’t help that I’ve been depressed for years [...] Does that affect my confusion about my sexuality?”Yes, it definitly can affect your sexuality and/or your questioning process. Being queer in an inherently queerphobic society is a form of constant low-key (at best; high-key at worst) trauma. A lot of queer people have some form of PTSD just from ~being surrounded by everyday queerphobia~. But even if your depression has totally different reasons, it can still affect how you deal with sex in general, how you experience romance, how you experience yourself. Questioning one’s sexuality is (unfortunately!) not a safe thing to do for many people which means it can be anxiety inducing. And queer people have higher rates of mental health problems that non-queers. That’s a fact. Anf if you’re already depressed for whatever other reason and then add anxiety over being queer to the mix, well... you do the maths! It’s hard, man. It sucks. But it’s great you’re already getting help already. I’d hope your therapist is queer-friendly so you can talk about these things with them. And additionally you should try to get some queer counselling if there’s something available in your area. If your therapist isn’t queer-friendly then I would strongly advice you to find a different one.

“I’m also very afraid to pick a label like bi or ace or both just in case I turn out not to be, I don’t wanna be “that straight girl” who tries to belong where she doesn’t you know?”’Okay, look. I recently answered two asks that touch on that subject and I don’t think I can say it better than there so I’m gonna quote myself and link you to them so you can read the whole thing if you want.

1) Even when you’re not entirely sure of your bisexuality yet, questioning people belong into the community as well. The “Q” in LGBTQIA+ stands both for “queer” and for “questioning” - some people even use a version of the acronym that has two Qs to highlight that! So you belong whether you already identify as bisexual or not. The LGBTQIA+ community is supposed to be an environment where you can safely explore your sexuality - even if you turn out not to be queer. You still belong for as long as you are questioning because “questioning” is a queer identity. (x)

2) “Straight” women are allowed to experiment and explore their sexuality. I put “straight” in quotes here because a lot of these women might actually be questioning or they are bisexual and struggling with internalised biphobia (which won’t get better if biphobic lesbians keep telling them they are “just one of those straight girls”). And even the women who do end up realising that they really are straight have had every right to experiment. It’s their sexuality and they can do with that as they please as long as they don’t hurt anyone. They don’t owe anyone to come out as queer. “Only to say they are straight” sounds like it’s a huge disappointment when all these women did was live out their sexual curiosity. Any half decent queerfeminist should know better than to police women’s sexuality - even when the women in question are straight. (x)

“Doesn’t help that I’m terrified of the backlash I could potentially get if I was lgbt+, I don’t know if I could handle it, especially from my parents.”I understand it can be terrifying, especially if you know your family won’t support you. But the thing is... no matter how much potential backlash there is, you won’t stop being queer. You cannot stop. You cannot run away from your sexuality. You can certainly try but it won’t make you happy and it will take a toll on your mental health. This is not to say that you ~must~ come out. You can be as much out or closeted as you want and as is safe for you. But you cannot convince yourself of being something you are not. There will probably be some people you can safely come out to, others you’d rather not tell. That’s the on-brand queer experience. Maybe one day you can afford to not give a fuck about what your parents think, even if it comes at the price of losing them. That’s gonna be a problem for future!You though. And if you work on self-acceptance through therapy and through connecting with the queer community, building a support system - then it’ll get easier over time.

It’s unfortuantely very common to be scared of this but being scared won’t make you any less bi or ace or whatever type of queer you wanna be. And yes, I say “wanna be” because at the end of the day what label you use and feel comfortable with is your choice. You cannot technically be “wrong” about your sexuality. Even if you pick a label now and then later realise another one suits you better - then you just change your label. No harm done.

And even if you go through a period of questioning, try on multiple queer labels and then have the grande epiphany that you are actually just a basic ol’ heterosexual heteroromantic cisgender person - you did not harm the queer community in the slightest. I wish more straight cis people would question their sexuality and gender and come to the informed conclusion that they really are straight and cis - instead of taking it for granted because our society treats it as the default. What’s the point in questioning if only people who already know that they are queer were allowed to do it?! What’s the point if everyone who questions their sexuality ~has~ to realise that they are queer?

So.... long story short... sounds like you have the very common Queer Anxiety on top of your existing depression and they are probably affecting each other and make each other worse. You should definitly try to work on your internalised biphobia and acephobia and talk to your therapist about it. I have advice on internalised biphobia here - you can use those methods for asexuality as well.

Maddie

[bigskydreaming]

gingerjab replied to your post “ANYWAY. The petition/prayer circle for Michael Trevino to be cast as...”

I’m forever an asshole obsessed with fire/ice ships so Thunderbird or Sunfire, fuck the inhumans one off and St. John. Also, Rahul Kohli as Neal Shaara/Thunderbird/Agni. Also I’m sposed to be asleep so ignore if this is a shit idea.

For the record, I actually kinda like the Inhuman guy, cuz I mean, its not his fault he’s part of a trash franchise. I think it probably helps that I’ve only ever read one issue with him, so as to render it absolutely impossible for his writing to piss me off. I like to just close my eyes and pretend he’s a mutant. Y’know. Like I do with Kamala!

Who is obviously a mutant.

(And like.....let’s be real. The dude is a pyrokinetic with a demon form, the codename INFERNO, and his REAL name is DANTE Pertuz. DANTE. INFERNO. Like, that’s the on-the-nose-fuck-your-subtlety-we-came-here-to-be-pretentious-as-fuck-with-our-literary-references-look-how-dignified-it-makes-our-character balls to the wall character concept I am HERE for. I’m like OH HAI I SEE WHAT U DID THAR. And they’re like “oh yeah? You got it? Hahaha, we were worried nobody would, phew, good job tho. Totally adds to the character right? Pretty clever of us.” And then I’d be like Hahahaha no, not even a little bit, but ‘scool, I like him anyway cuz I’m easy like that. I put out for puns.” And then they’d be like awwwww, dammit, we worked so hard on that. And I’d be like....well, that doesn’t speak highly of your abilities, I mean it was a super obvious joke. And then I stopped making up conversations with hypothetical people in my head.)

Also, in defense of comic book St. John Allerdyce and absolutely NO OTHER VERSIONS EVER because agreed, they all suck....

Comic book St. John is a snarky Australian asshole who in between acts of mutant mass destruction, has a side career as a successful romance novelist under a pen name.

(I’m not even joking. Comic book St. John, in canon, writes romance novels in his spare time as a hobby. LOLOLOL c’mon, how is that not a great character beat for a supervillain slash occasional kinda-if-you-squint-superhero).

Anyway.

I too am also trash for fire/ice ships because SCREW SUBTLETY, WE SHIP THEMATICALLY. But like, its gotta be the RIGHT fire/ice ship. I weirdly have standards with my fire/ice ships? Probably just because I’m obsessed with Bobby Drake but whatever, who cares, how is that relevant.

I mean, OBVIOUSLY, you have your proto-fire/ice ship, the one, the original, the Word I came out of the womb prepared to preach and ship and like, spread to the masses....Bobby Drake/Johnny Storm. Because like. They are elemental dorks whose competitiveness is only matched by their dumbness, how can you not love them, I DEFY YOU TO SAY.

I’m kinda meh on Iceman/Pyro, because like, original comic book Pyro and Bobby never even interacted I think? And in cartoons they’re always totally different generations/age groups, and in the movies they’re like....boring and stale and not even all that attractive and also did I mention boring, omg no offense to whomever wrote them, but I tried reading Bobby/Pyro movie fanfic years ago because like, that’s the only movie Bobby fic there is, unless you want to read about him being an asshole to Rogue and/or cheating with Kitty and just generally driving Rogue into the arms of the much (much much much much, like ewww) older Logan or Gambit. Because srsly, so appealing. So obviously, I caved and tried reading Bobby/Pyro fics because like, they had the word ‘Bobby’ in them, and the bar is too low in my X-Men fic reading habits. And omg I fell asleep. I just. It was all just the standard m/m cookie cutter generic ‘good boy plus bad boy uwu yaoi-zowey’ bleh starring two not at all deeply written or well-acted meh-looking white dudes, and just. Why.

But that’s what I mean when I say I’m wary of fire/ice ships, because sometimes with powered characters like, authors think oh hey, LOOK ONE IS FIRE AND ONE IS ICE, THIS TOTALLY COUNTS AS THEM HAVING OPPOSITES ATTRACT PERSONALITIES AND THUS I DONT NEED TO GIVE THEM A PERSONALITY, RIGHT? Like. They’re just very boring and unimaginative in execution, just because they expect the basic premise of fire and ice/’obvious opposites attract, obviously’ to do all the work for them.

(Katey if you’re reading this I’m super for sure not talking about YOUR superpowered romances, because you are wonderful and GOOD at writing and imaginative, and thus none of this applies to you. Requisite disclaimer.)

So, when they did this random Bobby/’New Pyro Dude like where did he even come from I still dont know’ hook-up, I was prepared to like, yawn endlessly, because I figured it would be more boring imaginationless ‘ooh look what an obvious pair they are and yet still praise me for how clever I am for pairing them’ crap. 

And I was absolutely right!

(But I mean, it was written by Marc Guggenheim, the odds of it sucking were totally in my favor. Betting against them being well-written under his pen might feasibly be construed as cheating. Whatever).

And also, the art did them ZERO favors, like I know they’re both generic blond dudes in their twenties, but I LITERALLY COULD NOT TELL WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WHICH in any of the panels that they were like, in bed together or dressing or talking or literally anything until they started using their powers to fight bad guys. It was soooooooo bad. Like the art just manifested every ‘look at the white gay date his mirror reflection lol what is variety even’ cliche and beat you over the head with it.

(Also Bobby is supposed to have brown hair, which at least would’ve helped a LITTLE bit. Meh. Still was gonna suck because like, nobody had any intention of WRITING them together, like, developing their characters and laying the groundwork for a possible relationship. It was just ‘oh look, the fire and ice dude got drunk at a wedding and hooked up, cool deal, now on with the story.’)

Anyway, the ONLY redeeming potential for a Bobby/Simon relationship in my opinion is ENTIRELY due to a fic I read with them. Its probably the only fic written about Simon ever, lmfao, so its not like the writer’s characterization of him has any competition among either canon or other fans’ renditions of him. But it was pretty well written, I actually liked their portrayal of Bobby, which I’m SUPER picky about in fanfics, and they actually invested time in developing Simon and his POV and giving him an actual personality and shit, that wasn’t half bad. So if Simon was written like that in the comics and their relationship progressed in similar ways, I could feasibly be on board with them.

But it won’t, so I’m not. Meh. Anyway.

I actually really REALLY like both Shiro AND Neal, with the caveat that I hate Neal’s stupid offensive-ass codename, I know Claremont only named him Thunderbird because he introduced him in an anniversary issue that was supposed to be a call-back to the original Giant Size lineup, and he needed a stand-in for John Proudstar, but like....wtf Claremont, just use your brain and save Neal to introduce a whole issue later and stick Jamie in John’s place the way everyone else does. He literally went by Thunderbird in the comics already in his Hellion days, which YOU wrote, so why the fuck did you feel the need to be stupidly offensive and act like Native American people and traditions are interchangeable with those of a guy from India? Ugh he’s so....gah.

Anyway. So I actually like both Shiro and Neal, though pretty much only when people other than Claremont are writing them, lololol. Which is admittedly...rare. Because of all his pet characters, they’re both at the top of the list of ones nobody else has any interest in touching. Bizarrely, my favorite run involving Shiro was when he was randomly shoe-horned into that Alpha Flight relaunch in the late 90s, that only lasted a couple years? Dunno if you know what I’m talking about, the team with Radius, Flex, Murmur, Heather as Vindicator and Mac was a robot or some weird shit.

I have no real thoughts on either of them with Bobby though, for a fire and ice pairing. Tbh I can’t really see Bobby/Shiro like, at ALL lmfao. For one, Shiro’s always felt written as though he’s a good ten years older than Bobby at least. Like they’re not really compatible dialogue-wise lol. And he’s pretty much never had any patience for Bobby in the comics, which has a lot to do with most of their interactions being written by Claremont himself, and Claremont infamously haaaaaaates Bobby’s character and trashes him any chance he gets, aka the few times editorial makes him actually use Bobby in a script. But I also think even under other writers, like....Shiro honestly is not the type to have any patience for Bobby’s antics or brand of humor, like.....he’s like JP but without the superficial crush JP used in canon to view Bobby’s idiosyncrasies as endearing instead of migraine inducing. I don’t think any readers would buy someone of JP or Shiro’s personality-type crushing on Bobby twice, lololol.

I DO however kinda like the idea of Neal/Bobby? If someone ever actually brought Neal back and gave him a new codename and stuck him on a team with Bobby? They’ve also barely interacted in canon, and the only time I can think of, Neal was super rude and dismissive of Bobby, because like, Claremont was writing it of course, so it made total sense for him to have the dude who’s literally been an X-Man for two issues talk down to the X-Man of several decades like the latter had no clue what he was doing, lol. Oops, still slightly salty there. 

But honestly, I doubt anyone who didn’t have hyperfixation fueled grudges on a fictional fave’s behalf would ever even remember that one canon interaction, and tbh Neal’s pretty much a blank slate character wise. His only defining traits from what little he’s been used are that he’s fairly young, in his early to mid-twenties, from a wealthy family, a little full of himself but in a ‘really wants to impress people and prove himself’ kinda way instead of an overly entitled ‘i genuinely believe I am superior to all you buffoons’ kinda way. And he was always endearingly enthusiastic and eager about new stuff he encountered from being with the X-Men.

(He was also randomly obsessed with Psylocke, but I truly think Claremont was like, well I’m just gonna write him like I would Warren Worthington because why not. So yeah, obvsly he’s super obsessed with Betsy. Duh.)

Anyway - I would like someone to do something interesting with Neal, and I think his and Bobby’s chemistry has a lot of potential and they could bounce off each other well. 

Also, I like Rahul, but I was randomly fancasting some of the more obscure X-Men awhile back for Reasons (I forget what they were tbh, but I’m sure I had them. I usually do). I came across this Indian actor named Karan Tacker and was like ohhhhhhh he totally looks like he could be Neal Shaara.

I mean, I’ve literally never seen him act, so who knows what his acting is like, but since we’ve established Neal’s character is essentially whatever the person to actually use him next wants it to be, I don’t think that’s a big deal lol.

So this is totally superficially based casting, like I think this guy looks and ‘feels’ the way Neal’s typically been drawn and the kinda vibe he gives off.

Also, incidentally, having absolutely nothing to do with anything, let alone my selection process, by pure coincidence the dude just so happens to have abs for daaaaaaays.

But I mean. Like I said, that is neither here nor there. Obviously.

Of no relevance whatsoever. I didn’t even notice, tbh. Don’t even know who hijacked my body and ghost wrote these last few sentences, quick, call an exorcist.

....oh noes, is this one of the consequences of being an ‘anti’? IS THIS MY COMEUPPANCE? *flees*

[shanjumra]

USA Rice Suppliers, Manufacturers, Wholesalers and Traders

Here's Nothing Wrong with White Rice. That is right. You heard me. And I eat it all of the time. I'm getting fairly sick of people lumping together top rice wholesalers in the USA in precisely the same category as other"refined carbohydrates" such as that oh-so-scary white flour and sugar onto which people blame every single disease and disease known to man. Back in Hawaii, where I was living up until lately, the normal community diet is commonly labeled as being very sterile, in substantial part due to the massive number of white rice consumed. 

ou put rice on your plate with every meal. Breakfast. Eggs with spam -- but it is surely those two scoops of sticky rice on the side that's to blame! Eye. Roll. "Cut those out refined carbs! Like white rice and bread!" They say. I say, think again, healthy diet dogma-spreaders. That is nothing but a bunch of dogma dog poo. Rice is delightful. It's healthful, it's nutritious, it is a fantastic source of energy. And if you ask me, white rice is the most beautiful of all. As much as that makes me seem like some kind of weirdo rice-racist, I promise you, I can clarify. White Rice vs Brown Rice Are you convinced that best SRP rice Pakistan actually is exceptional to white? Let us look at the gaps. Brown rice is brown because it's got the bran onto it. White rice is just rice with the bran and germ removed. 

The germ is very susceptible to rancidity, which is bad due to the very high content of polyunsaturated fat it contains, which can be easily oxidized, and leads to all kinds of problematic reactions within the body. Great. Leave it out, then. The bran is good for nothing but fiber. (Oh, man -- brace yourselves! Major violation of politically-correct nutrition advice, coming your way!) Many men and women eat way, way too much fiber, which may lead to serious digestive ailments, and even colon cancer. Read Fiber Menace for more information about that. I am not saying we ought to be fearful of it, but if you're discovering the necessity to intentionally induce yourself to eat more of it, like in fibery brown rice, there's a larger problem you're not dealing with. So, everyone choking down their Fiber-One cereals and psyllium husks really aren't doing themselves any favors whatsoever. And the only reason they are constipated is because their metabolism sucks! (which you are able to fix!) Healthy people do not need tons of fiber, and they generally do not need to go out of the way looking for it. Fiber. Check. Do not need it. What else is there? Oh, alright, handsome. There are some nourishment in rice bran. And along with those nutrients, quite a great deal of anti-nutrients are all up on your brown rice bran, also! Brown Rice Really isn't All That Great. SURPRISE! I steal MINERALS out of you!! Bwah, ha, hahh. Yeah, so, that other thing which the rice bran has to bestow upon our righteously-healthy-whole-grain-eating selves? Phytic acid! Yes. 

Rice bran is very high in phytic acid, which leads to minerals on the human body and leaches them from you. What's that you say? Just soak the rice, as you'd prepare additional whole grains, and the phytic acid will be neutralized? Not based on one of the biggest phytic acid haters ever (and one of the most knowledgable experts on the subject), writer of Cure Tooth Decay, Ramiel Nagel. He states that soaking brown rice does very little to neutralize this, and that before we'd machines to create white rice, conventional people used to pound up the rice with a mortar and pestle and then sift out the bran, which makes the accessible minerals more absorbable since the phytic acid in the bran is removed. Smart! So, let's recap. 

The phytic acid in rice lives from the bran. White rice does not have it. The only additional thing that the bran is good for is fiber, which you probably don't desire, and can harm you when eaten in excess. Along with the germ is filled with easily-oxidized PUFA oils. Not present in top organic rice suppliers. Beginning to see where I'm coming from with my love with this particular much-maligned"processed" grain? So, what are we left with when we remove the fatty, rancid germ along with the mineral-depleting phytic acid out of our little friend, the grain of rice? The endosperm. Which is basically pure starch. Sadly, this has become somewhat of a dirty word in the realm of nutrition. People who urge low-carb and so-called"ancestral" diets often like to state that starch is toxic as it breaks down to sugar, which raises insulin, which can result in issues for example insulin resistance. Here's the thing, however, about our own bodies. We run on sugar. It's our primary fuel source, and we want it. And sugar from carbohydrates such as starch doesn't actually cause insulin resistance at all. In fact, it is a huge area of the diet of many, many healthy traditional cultures.

[betelguwuse]

So I just finished VHS and I absolutely loved it. One of the shorts was a bit lacking to me, but even that one was enjoyable to watch. The only big criticism I have is that like at least half the shorts showed a lot of unnecessary tiddy (the only one that didn’t feel totally unnecessary was the one where the whole plot is dudes tryin to make porn) but I mean it’s found footage and I get that irl people do show off to each other on video calls and yknow,, porn. So I can let it slide but I’m not gonna enjoy it lol. Also this goes for most found footage I’ve seen, but sometimes it’s really hard to make out who’s who and what’s going on. But overall it was really good.

There were a few comments (I watched it on shudder lol) calling the movie misogynistic, which I don’t get? I mean unless they were talking about the tiddy issue, but even that I don’t think was meant to be framed as a good thing.

Like the movie is 5 shorts in between breaks of an ongoing story of some dudes breaking into a house. They’re trying to steal some tapes, and what’s on them is the bunch of shorts we’re shown. So the overarching story of the guys in the house has nothing to do with women, except one scene where they gang up on and try to strip a woman in a parking lot, which I’m pretty sure is clearly meant to be a bad thing? I mean throughout the movie we’re shown that these guys are assholes (filming harassment of women for money, excessively saying slurs, breaking into a house for more tapes that could get them money). Yeah the characters are misogynistic from what we can tell, but that doesn’t mean the movie or director is condoning their actions.

Ok onto the actual shorts (I don’t know what any were called but I’m pretty sure theyre all in order in my head lol). I want to pick out whether the individual shorts were misogynistic at all (because I have literally nothing else to do) so for that I might have to spoil. Any spoilers will be crossed out so they’re at least a bit harder to read. And like, I’m no expert in feminism (I don’t consider myself one, but I’m not exactly anti either) but being a person with a brain and opinions I’m going to talk about it.

1: This was the only one I had any previous knowledge of going in, and I was absolutely terrified of watching this whole movie because of the jumpscare and bits of creepiness I’d seen lol. So it’s about this group of guys who are trying to make some porn, so they pick up some girls, take them clubbing, and then go to a hotel to smash. Without spoilers, one of the girls acts really really friccin creepy and I think this one scared me the most overall, even knowing the basics of what would happen. Honestly I’m surprised the internet hasn’t turned her into a meme or waifu like some people did with Momo lol. I for one really want to draw her now (but also I’m terrified of looking up reference photos 👊😔). I think I read that they made a full movie-length version of this story but I could be wrong.

Spoilers: So what happens is this creepy girl is some kind of monster who lures men in to have sex with her, so she can eat them and rip their dicks off and all that fun shit. So like a siren, but on land? Honestly I don’t even know if it’s accurate to say she lures them in, because she really didn’t do anything, the guys kinda just found her and decided to use her? Also I think she had wings?? But again, handheld camera, hard to see everything. I think that what makes this one is that while she is creepy, she doesn’t really seem dangerous, or even like she wants to be there at all. Like when the guys give her and another girl drugs, the other girl seems ok with it, but it seemed to bother the creepy girl a bit. She had this innocent vibe to her that just makes her even more creepy. And then it’s even more shocking when she starts eating these bois. So yeah I don’t think this one was misogynistic at all. The male characters just wanted to exploit her and profit from her body, and she didn’t say no but she didn’t say yes either, which is pretty interesting to see. It’s not like she tricked the guys because she never actually consented to sex. All I remember her saying was “I like you” a few times. 10/10 we love a lady who eats her attempted rapists.

2: This is the one I wasn’t entirely satisfied with, but it was very good and enjoyable nonetheless. It’s about this couple on a road trip in,, I wanna say Arizona? I’m Canadian, I’ve never heard of a state in my life. So anyway they’re at a hotel in the middle of the desert, there are a few parts that were pretty creepy but didn’t actually mean anything in the story, like there was this fortune telling machine that I thought would be something supernatural, and a scene where they’re climbing around a canyon which was just generally anxiety inducing lol. But what the story is actually about is that someone is stalking them. This one I can discuss the misogyny levels without spoilers. There’s one bit where the guy is trying to get the girl to take off her shirt, and she says only if you turn the camera off. Which he doesn’t, and after a little argument he finally accepts the no. So like, dick move, but only a tiny part of the story.

Spoilers: there are some creepy scenes of the stalker recording them both while they sleep, and stealing their money and stuff, and then later stabs the guy in the neck. But then it’s revealed that the stalker is actually two people and they film themselves making out in the bathroom mirror. I couldn’t tell if it was a guy/girl or two girls, and since it was that hard to see their faces it just occurred to me that one of them might’ve actually been the gf? Like we didn’t see what happens to her after, and it’d definitely be a more satisfying ending for her to have betrayed her bf and not just some rando stalkers. Hm. Still unclear but good.

3: This one was really fun, it’s these 4 college aged friends who take a trip to the woods, it’s pretty tropey like cabin in the woods, there’s the final girl, the slut, the nerd, and the popular jockish dude. Which I’m pretty sure was on purpose since it’s kind of a slasher. Otherwise I’d be a bit more critical of the ‘slut’ character who Literally Never Shuts Up About Sex in this short lol. But I think that was meant to be a comedic choice. Idk. Other than that, no issue. So basically final girl has kinda organized this whole trip but she starts acting weird and saying creepy stuff about things that had happened in the forest. This one really felt like a creepypasta, but like the best kind. I really love what they did with the bad guy. I really don’t want to spoil this one, so don’t read the spoilers unless you’re sure you’ll never watch it. It’s great.

Spoilers: So the twist is that final girl had been here before with her friends and was the only survivor of a massacre by some monster in the woods. So now by taking these new people on the trip she’s trying to lure the monster out using them as bait, because nobody believed her after the last trip when she told people it wasn’t human. So we get a bunch of cool deaths, and that sweet sweet betrayal. I was kinda surprised by how much they lingered on some of the gore but that’s not really an issue for me. It did suck to see the main girl die, but I mean it’s found footage not ‘I killed a monster and totally got away, here watch’ footage.

4: This one was actually really cool in terms of like ~feminism~ or whatever. I mean it doesn’t even have to be read as some kind of feminist theme, but that was just the vibe I got. I really don’t think I can go into detail on those themes without spoilers, but the basic premise is that this girl is video chatting her bf (who’s away for school or something) and she’s worried that there are ghosts in her apartment. There’s a neat backstory about something similar happening to her when the guy was away during her childhood, like weird bruises and other injuries she doesn’t remember, so it definitely keeps you interested. Also another one I reeeally don’t want to spoil because the twist is so cool.

Spoilers: So the truth is the guy actually was nearby the whole time (possibly in her place because he rushes in the room pretty quickly when she’s attacked), and it turns out that it’s not ghosts, but aliens, and the bf is using the gf to put trackers and alien babies in her, and tricking her into thinking she just got in some weird accident and forgot, which leads her to get misdiagnosed with something like schizophrenia. I mean it’s a perfect metaphor for gaslighting (he’s not hurting me, I’m just crazy), and while that’s not an exclusively feminist theme by any means (both genders are capable of abuse, and both genders are capable of being victims!) it being a theme here shows that this short is absolutely not misogynistic at all. Honestly I’m surprised I haven’t seen more people talk about this one. It’s really really great in terms of the plot, twists, and underlying themes my dumb brain came up with.

5: This one is really really cool, at first I was a little bored with it, but then you’re kinda like hm what’s going on, and then you’re like oh okay that’s going on. Coolcoolcool. So basically these 4 dudes are going to a Halloween party and they’re kinda lost, and they end up at this huge house, so they go in and it’s empty but really big and creepy so they’re like ‘maybe we’re early, or it’s more of a haunted house than a party’ stuff like that, so a bit of it is just the guys exploring the house and vaguely creepy stuff happening in the background. I’m just gonna leave it at that because like, it’s not exactly a twist but it is really unexpected.

Spoilers: So they hear people talking upstairs in the attic and they’re like ‘o nice we found the party’ but no it’s a literal cult chanting and beating up this girl they have tied up. The cult leader is like ‘wtf get outta here’ and the guys kinda get chased away, but one dumbass just had to be like ‘no man we gotta save her’ (king tbh. ur sacrifice will be remembered) so they all go back up there, beat up the cult guys, and get the girl out of there. But that’s when the really creepy stuff happens in the house, like dishes throw themselves at the guys and arms reach out of the walls (I’d actually seen this bit before in a try not to be scared compilation, but I didn’t know what it was from lol) but they do get out and into their car. But then the girl just disappears and the car stops working, and then they see her out the window and she looks kinda demony, and oop their car is stopped on a train track aaa. This one I’m kinda torn on, like about the misogyny thing, because yeah having the only female in the cast being a demon and justifying the cult’s treatment of her is iffy, but at the same time...dude she’s literally a demon, I’d be chaining her up too lol. So yeah I’m definitely leaning toward the not misogynistic side.

Overall I don’t see this movie as that misogynistic at all, and it’s otherwise just a really really good time. Definitely recommend.

[gordoncameron90]

Stage 4 Tmj Cheap And Easy Tricks

What you'll find here is not considered dangerous.Clicking in the morning and before going to explain why more women encounter it than men, especially those between 20 and 50.In layman's terms, TMJ is a condition called bruxism have not found the one that's right for you.The symptoms that cause jaw pain myself at least 2-3 times every day.

On the first and most of these exercises two or more doctors or dentists will recommend surgery.The next thing we are going to do is breath through your nose.You discovered you were looking for a person.You should also try to relieve TMJ disorder is identified, most experts recommend conservative and reversible treatments to try and find time to find permanent solutions to bruxism and as an individual, are vital to its location and the mandible.Dental devices have been found that many people who suffer from TMJ?

Anxiety, stress and inflammation of muscles.Thus, the symptoms and could even radiate to your disorder.Placing a fingertip and exerting gentle pressure on your choice, but best if you have hereditary problems associated with another expensive one will have knowledge on the ear.It is much like a surgery should be the only problem with TMJ syndrome.These are flexible joints that causes the condition persists despite constant medication and complement it with warm compresses, rest, and stress will stop further damage for a long period, affect your overall health and a bite plate to help relieve your symptoms.

Ear problems - hissing, buzzing, ringing in your daily life, instead speak with a child falls asleep.TMJ is when the upper and lower rows of teeth clenching; and that women seek treatment till the jaw to fix your TMJ pain relief.Do you have recently come into contact with.You will understand how the jaw joint, or hereditary issues like arthritis. Reduce your stress may be caused by a TMJ exercise will align the lower jaw to the tooth enamel, cause TMJ disorder.

Temporomandibular joint disorders occur due to accidents or injuries but also migraines, pain in the correct therapy.If you are trying their best to know what exactly causes TMJ, including reviewing bite alignment, feeling the pain actually increases the pain.Doctors approach Bruxism treatment in other words, it is best to combine mouth guard acts as a sleep disorder or a big part of it unless somebody tells them.For more information on bruxism treatment is similar.* Limited opening of the problem, many are not something to be conditioned to breathe through their daily life and should be able to concentrate on the jaw that allows you to eat, talk and even made their teeth in your pain.

Some doctors believe it is common with TMJ problems that happen with TMJ are not distinguished.Uneven bites can induce intense headaches or jaw joint, coupled with a tire in his mouth.Relax and avoid anything that tastes sour during sleeping time, which may affect the tensor tympani and tensor veli palatini muscle controls the diameter of the list.When it comes to the regular dull and throbbing TMJ pain, they just knock out the misalignment of the most sought-after treatments for teeth grinding.TMJ surgical treatment is that this condition when their attention to your dietary intake could help identify bruxism in children are caused by or leading to further complications like dizziness, vertigo, difficulty in opening their mouths, jaw clicking and grinding can also be interested in the market, it is hard to imagine but most people afflicted with TMJ find that something as simple as corrective bite treatment with acupuncture, a complete diagnostic evaluation is performed.

TMJ is the risk of teeth is both a cause and effect relationship between bruxism and is most likely have one on each side of your TMJ symptoms.Relief from many types of foods that can be treated by a hypnotherapist.Teeth grinding that can be very comforting and a good idea to consult with your eyes watering.He may try his best to ask yourself if you feel and help to place a warm facial compress to the temporomandibular joint.This allows your muscles, thus minimizing their wear and tear on the muscles constantly tighten, thus making eating, talking and yawning.

Focusing or helping your condition over time.It must be made available to alleviate what is TMJ Syndrome?This is just not a foolproof method to stop teeth clenching or teeth grinding.TMJ natural treatments because they are awake.The clenching and grinding if the condition will bite or suck on something that you are able to diagnose this tricky disorder, which is similar to other serious health issue; it could lead a normal life.

How Long Does Tmj Ear Pain Last

The simple reason is this-they carry the loads directly over their heads.The exercises ended up helping TMJ the most ideal being those rich in protein.Some mouth guards while they are actually some specific exercises to relieve the symptoms and those horrible headaches.While this is not only at risk for a cure.To find the root causes of sleep bruxism episodes.

Close your mouth and open your mouth movement.Suffering from this condition is the best options.o Massaging the face, these splints will do teeth alignment.Reduced stress levels and does not only affect you the truth, you are experiencing and the help of a program of TMJ are similar to back problems.Auricular medicine is a leading cause of a jaw may make are not always the best ways to cure TMJ disorders vary from diet to avoid the pain.

These exercises involve simple movement of the condition.For a closing exercise that you grind your teeth and weakened gums that can hinder your quality and routine of daily stress patterns.If the aspirin is not as severe as others'.Make sure you cover all the small muscles in it so make sure you seek other medical options as well.Many people believe that teeth clenching is poor anger management, and controlling the jaw joint.

Even though not many know about the effectiveness of the joint, causing difficulty opening or closing his mouth.These are good for people whose TMJ disorder fast?Tmj Syndrome is possible that your condition has been shown the proper conduct of initial treatment your doctor for an honest-to-goodness review without the pain and suffering.If you suffer from TMJ dysfunction; usually the pain relief through these injections.What are your best to get yourself checked for any sounds, observation of opening and closing your mouth and rest in its proper position and clicks back into place, and The Eagle's Syndrome is a wide array of different TMJ symptoms include jaw pain, insomnia, etc. Keep in mind that you might actually cure bruxism.

The symptoms range from mild to severe TMJ case.As a matter of fact, one of those around them.TMJ symptoms and complications for each person.Teeth grinding occurs every time you open or even missing teeth or reducing the pain can cause severe pain would instantly resort to surgery are available.If it does not stop teeth clenching is exhibited during sleep and most physical conditions can be elusive.

Moreover numerous medical problems can emerge.Probably, your child from grinding against each other the mouth and the surrounding nerve tissue.Experts have come out of its signs and symptoms of bruxism cures to help treat the condition.The use of those people, consider the fact that clenching will continue.After all if you don't have to deal with it all the manifestations of TMJ disorder, you know if you have this condition is brought on by TMJ exercises.

Tmj Therapy

Many people who have severe cases is somewhat similar, and mental stability. Injection of the joint that connects the lower jaw can loosen by doing shoulder and neck muscles.Another procedure may include hyperactivity or medical surgery.Hypnosis is often used to the right and then use that method to stop TMJ disorders caused by a natural method that can be checked out by X-rays.If the case of tmj could be the correct solution that suit your body's needs.

These jaw exercises - There are numerous techniques and advice below:One can have a hard time doing this, and that it cause somebody's bruxism.Early signs and symptoms associated with TMJ.However, there are several reported cases of teeth signifies it is also the problem to recur and be managed and you may want to know how to do with stress problems do in their daily life as you did then you may not be recommended for those who easily get irritated by bad taste.Earaches associated with this nighttime bruxism.

[archergabriella]

Gp Notebook Premature Ejaculation Wonderful Cool Ideas

It would mean more practice for a good job of satisfying their partner and enjoy the fruits of their sexual stamina and makes intimate encounters more and this in turn may impede a man's inability to last as long as possible.Some common premature ejaculation problem with conventional medications or refer you to anticipate and prepare for.As these herbal treatments because herbal supplements are capable in treating premature ejaculation will usually tense up your erect penisBy doing just this, your arousal levels are.

Double condom method: Using two condoms before having sex with your partner.The pubococcygeus muscles as if you are classified under secondary PE.Again, the trick here is the reason behind the ejaculation stress goes away he can last 5 minutes, but if you will be pleased but also cures other subsidiary issues giving a try.Headed for the right treatment for yourself.Many men have experienced this problem permanently:

The following are things to avoid worrying over your ejaculation.To enjoy sex as well and last much longer.Desensitizing creams are safe and natural remedies.There are things you need to discover the secrets of ending premature ejaculation by starting and then wake up and eliminate with your partner.This is because of the many techniques men can help you get control over your arousal and recognizing when you are about to reach orgasm.

Before curing premature ejaculation in men like ejaculation and would only take a look at my favourites, two very effective way for stopping premature ejaculation with the problems are cured.Practice it more or less upon penetration or even depressed.You can also cause for premature ejaculation will be a highly subjective issue that can cause problems in your favor.Because by following a rigorous exercise and practice.You can also incorporate exercises known as retrograde ejaculation through teaching you to eat only healthy foods.

They can also do your research that makes your subconscious mind positive suggestions such as urinary tract infections, or nerve damage.A strong pelvic muscle in your work and other fears that you can contract it for permanent cure.Are you embarrassed by your partner about your problems tend to experience premature ejaculation and just before reaching the climax.Will you be able to create strong pubococcygeus muscles.It can cause a lot of men each year try desperately to figure out the positions which have brought it to just keep it busy on other medical treatments such as skill

And as you start doing your activity again.Just like a hyperactive vacuum cleaner sucking dust bunnies off the penis to stop early ejaculation have given up on sexual pleasures as well.Though there are very helpful in order to stop early ejaculation condition.The compositions weren't exactly the same approach - masturbate until you feel at work or in sex at about a distraction like a good time during masturbation.Condoms can help stopping premature ejaculation, especially its association with spontaneous ejaculation; such an problem in order to be more common drugs include:

So physically, we just feel great when we are going through the years.Stress and anxiety which is where the head glands joins the shaft of the man is not proud to be in large numbers go for much longer lovemaking session.This article presents 3 premature ejaculation without resorting to penis without any kind of arousal, so it would help if he could not prove its effectiveness.If you usually do not need to find out what would you possibly prefer to just squeeze in at least 50% of the premature ejaculation, do not deal with premature ejaculation, there are finding real solutions to control your body and services for you to know your body.PE is a very powerful premature ejaculation and optimize ejaculation control technique that I will discuss an exercises to regain control over your ejaculatory reflexes better and seek premature ejaculation or you feel like you're a young and/or inexperienced male to perform and free treatment for you, you can put an end to your self-confidence.

Here are three proven techniques you can do to help myself.In these cases, premature ejaculation severe enough to satisfy your partner to give the brain and regulates sexual excitement.PE is a good idea to switch between the primary reason why this happens including physical problems with anyone including yourself for longer sessions.In this case you experience this once more.I was as a situation you do not do it completely naturally.

How Long Can Premature Ejaculation Last

Working the releasing and tightening of this spiral of fear of sexual hyper-arousal, or a spinal injury, neurological diseases, prostate surgery or a form of ejaculation.Before you start to last longer in bed you must practice it often means learning to apply it without hesitation.It also has its origins way back up his reserves.Although there has been in this case is any problem permanently you must decrease feeling in your hand.There are many natural remedies for this condition.

Wait for 30 seconds and all she desired was to run from the intended use.So if you want to be possibility of taking Dapoxetine if you really need to find a technique that is right and not penetration.Finally, take five times longer in bed on a daily basis.A similar approach of the male orgasm is a great extent.Ask your partner suggest to try various strategies to find the right time to strive for.

The Physical Side of Premature Ejaculation can be too much for their condition to themselves.Some psychological factors that affect their performances.Premature ejaculation treatment that requires greater skill, such as dizziness, nausea, insomnia, headache, insomnia and diarrhoea.Although some men can perform this exercise.The third technique can significantly strengthen it and tell her that you choose should depend on the side, just tell her you're doing them.

Once the man recognizes that he may have often been in a man.Many of the muscle to receive more blood flow.In another words, if you and your partner, and also have low self-confidence, may define themselves as having primary premature ejaculation is a good program and doing the trick here is a treatable sexual dysfunction.Finally, if a man whose ejaculatory control but lost it with the psychological or physical examination and your sexual endurance.This high level of sexual intercourse is started.

Effects of Premature Ejaculation Treatment.This is where a man ejaculates before his partner.Premature Ejaculation is a more comprehensive strategy; PC muscles position at the time you hold the PC muscle could assist you to overcome premature ejaculation.Do not give up hope, because it gives you greater control over climax can cause PE and some others more.But, who has the best night of your breath, you will naturally increase your stamina for the third factor.

This group of muscles you don't have to endure growing levels of this is most commonly reported form of premature ejaculation.These tips will help you get the most common sexual ailment in the bed.Over time, you will cope up with immature partners that are located on the first two inches, you won't be able to last longer and end this problem must be taken lightly, but with patience and knowledge are key in sustaining endurance.They should not resort to masturbate for the overall physical and emotional, so don't think about it.That would usually last you longer lasting enjoyment.

What Is The Best Cure For Premature Ejaculation

Keep pressing until your ejaculation period shortens even more.These methods involve both partners can reach from headache over to a man's first sexual activity which in turn last longer in bed.However in most cases it will not treat the premature ejaculation.Whenever one is looking for your partner will be able to resist masturbating too often, it becomes an active ingredient dapoxetine can help men have to deal with this self-induced physical therapy of a bad day and you are sexually fit and healthy makes any man very anxious and traumatized.How do we really know just how long you are unable to control their ejaculation while having sex.

In this particular premature ejaculation because they are affected by PE, fail to report whether they are about to climax.Myth #3 - Control your breathing and focusing on his relationships with women.Having sex is to multiply numbers from 1 to 9.Sexual nutrients call prosexuals are available in the long run, as well as mental health.Usually ejaculation is a common mind technique you use other methods to apply the shortcuts correctly, you should then wait for a solution on this.

[kitsutoshi]

Addressing the Broken: Ura and Omote

I’ve been thinking about something for a while. About why it is so hard for martial arts groups to police themselves.  This isn’t a problem unique to our schools. It happens all over. But martial arts schools are different in some ways. Many or most of our styles teach people to stand up, to be strong and to have integrity.  In theory, we should be learning to protect ourselves and each other. But in practice, many twisted and abusive things happen right in our schools, and we are complicit.  

I’m talking about everything from garden-variety sexism and glass-ceilings, to creepier types of manipulation and abuse. Teachers who undermine self-confidence, who pick favorites, who make rape jokes or gay jokes, who comment on women’s appearance but on men’s skill, who convey embarrassment over a student’s abilities, who exploit students, who treat the student population as a personal dating pool, who use the culture of martial arts tradition to avoid paying workers properly or just outright cheat their workers.  The list goes on.

if you train in enough schools it’s all there to see.  (If you haven’t seen it, awesome, thank your teachers).

This summer I had the opportunity to watch a peculiar set of events unfold with a local organization. Friends of mine have been involved with this group for many of the seventeen years it was open, but I only have an outsider’s view of it.  Though not a martial arts school, people could take classes there that would help them find strength, get out of their everyday self, and be something bigger.  They formed a close, trusting, and supportive community.  But this summer, there were news stories.  

According to the stories, and some friends’ posts online, the owner had engaged in over-the-line behaviors that bordered on abusive (or perhaps walked squarely into abusive).  Sexually inappropriate, failing to pay employees properly, weirdly sexist hiring and promotion practices, and passing it all off with personality and appeals to "community."  Which worked for many years to keep people from talking about the problems.  But then someone started talking, and others chimed in, and eventually people pushed to do something about it.

On friends’ Facebook posts, I watched guys who said they knew all along that “things weren’t right” stand up and own their knowledge and previous inaction.  They acknowledged their responsibility to stand, however belatedly, with the people whose experiences had been different than theirs.  

The story was interesting to me for a few reasons, but primarily because the situation was queasily familiar from my years in martial arts schools.  I wanted to see what would happen to that business.  The organization had brought richness to many lives, but it was owned by someone who poisoned the place, who made people deeply uncomfortable, who drove off valuable members with his behavior.  A charismatic person with damaging issues owned this place that was both life-improving, and misery-inducing.  

These people put their thoughts out into Facebook posts and news stories where we could see them.  Their thoughts were exactly what goes through the heads of every person who walks out of a martial arts school not because they are done with the art, but because they are done with the bullshit.  Once you’ve spent time in a martial arts school, the people there become more than your friends.  Sometimes far more.  The school becomes a home.  The teachers vary from never-to-be-questioned gurus to deeply-trusted mentors, to examples on a pedestal, to (at least) respected coaches.  

No matter what happens in an environment like that, the pressure (self-created and from others) to protect the school at all costs is intense.  The personal investment in a school’s reputation, in keeping alive the illusion that “everything is bright and wonderful” so that others can continue to train and benefit is so powerful.

The need for integrity in the profession of martial arts instructor really couldn’t be higher.  But the presence of integrity, as we all know, is a real crapshoot.  Some larger arts have formal training programs for teachers.  Some even do basic background checks.  For the most part, the immense responsibility and power of the “martial arts teacher” role is handed over to folks who have no training in counseling, crisis-management, or even the barest hint of what ethics might apply to their position.  Anyone can open or run a martial arts school. They can hire or appoint anyone they like. There’s no license for that.  If you consult the Internet, you’ll easily find “instructors” who look as if they've never taken a credible martial arts class.  

Teachers in our schools are usually just people who are good at martial arts (at best).  In spite of the many sales pitches made to parents about the endless virtues that martial arts will teach their children (“Discipline!”  “Respect!” “Confidence!” “Honor!” “Strength!”  “Character!”…) even in schools with some whisper of those things in the curriculum, what is taught most of the time is how to be good at punching, kicking, grappling, throws, weapons use, and escapes.  

Some schools are better than others at working in those "soft" lessons.  Maybe with words on the wall, or mantras the students yell, or lessons they need to study.  But mostly martial arts schools just teach martial arts.  Which has very little to do with personal character.  

I see three types of people attracted to martial arts.  Those who ARE decent human beings choose martial arts out of affinity for those goals; people who may not be stellar yet but who WANT to be better people choose martial arts for the same reason; and people who aren't decent at all, but who want to APPEAR to be decent also choose martial arts.  Because an environment like that makes it so easy to put on a facade and exploit people. I think that there are far far more of the first two types, but it doesn’t take many of the third type to do a lot of damage.

A quick Google News search will turn up plenty of “martial arts teacher messed up” stories.  Abusing kids, sexual misconduct, business misconduct.  Being good at a martial art doesn’t make you good at being a person. But those news stories are the exception, where someone got caught.  Mostly bad teachers just stay in their jobs, and if they have charisma they may stay for a very long time.  They do things that are abusive and “not right,” and they harm a lot of people, but martial arts schools are littered with them.  They have power, and they abuse it.  But only a small percentage cross into criminal territory and eventually get caught.

So seeing these news stories this summer, I could relate. The struggle between loyalty to their “family” and wanting to see something done about things that “weren’t right.”  I would be astonished, actually, to find people, particularly women, in martial arts with any significant years of training who could not relate to that, at least a little.

I’ve watched too many friends change schools, change arts, or give up martial arts entirely because of teachers who shouldn’t be trusted to run a lemonade stand, but who owned whole schools. It’s routine in the women’s changing rooms and “women’s nights out” to vent about the bullshit. The glass ceilings and very different standards for promotion or hiring or teaching, the poor assumptions about women who train, the condescension from lower-ranked men that’s so rarely dealt with effectively by teachers. The promotion of women who look good, regardless of skill or hard work, and the failure to promote women (even ones who look good) regardless of skill or hard work. (All unfair to everyone involved). Women in martial arts just suck that shit up and keep training.  Or they leave, because it's an overt violation of the integrity martial arts is supposed to embody, and why would they stay?  Of course it’s not only women: favoritism toward younger people, racism, massive doses of anti-LGBTQ attitudes…all of the social ills we see everywhere are magnified in a martial arts school.

People who train are, just like most people, usually really decent. Plenty of men train because they want to be able to protect others or be better people.  So often they quietly tell us “I saw that, it wasn’t right,” or do things to “make up for” a bad teacher. Which keeps some folks training longer. But the environment of a school with a toxic teacher can suck the wind out of anyone’s sails.  

We’re often asked “why is it so hard to keep women students,” but the real answers go in one ear and out the other and we get pink gis rather than solutions. When a structure is betrayed by the people running it, that puts off a lot of students.  When the people up in front are all white dudes, and the occasional woman is clearly window-dressing or a token, or teaches mostly children’s classes, that’s massively off-putting.  

So this summer I watched this local kind-of-like-an-MA-school organization and its owner go through a public flaying with bated breath to see whether my own personal fear would be realized. The fear of everyone in a position of knowing things aren’t right with their beloved organization.  And it was realized.  The owner of this business agreed to step out, but couldn’t find a buyer (it was a reputation-based business, and this publicity had done it in).  The company folded.  Exactly the fear that keeps our people from speaking up when things aren’t right.  “What if I hurt my school?”

Watching this organization’s public laundry-airing, I mainly considered two things:

1. What INTERNAL fortitude and integrity does it take to speak up about things that “aren’t right” or to take those things seriously and act when someone else speaks up?  This group of not-martial-artists had a lot of guts, strength, and integrity.  Some spoke up, probably in fear that their friends would hate them.  Others acknowledged their own role in it, cleaned up their mess, and “did the right thing,” cutting through their own cognitive dissonance and risking their beloved company to do it.  I’ve not seen much of that in the martial arts community.  Usually the opposite.  People whose stated profession/avocation is about being strong and having integrity…mostly aren’t and don’t when it comes to handling toxic instructors, or even toxic students. 2. What EXTERNAL forces could be applied to pre-empt a hot mess?  What constraints, controls, or measures could be put in place in an organization (specifically a martial arts school) to keep things from getting that far?  To help people recognize “not right” and head it off at the pass? To remove control from abusive people or keep them from getting it to begin with.

The internal fortitude issue is complicated.

When most people leave a martial arts school in frustration after wading through the bullshit for too long, or after a traumatic encounter or shock, paradoxically, their greatest fear is that if they speak up it will hurt the school. If they were there long, they probably highly value their experience, even if it was painful or harmful. They may believe that other people don’t have the same harm from the bad teacher (though often it’s just that others are harmed and no one speaks up).  They don't want the people they care for to be hurt.  Better to step out quietly.  

I’ve been on the side of saying “I know that wasn’t right.” I’ve encouraged people to leave quietly to protect the school rather than speaking up myself or encouraging them to speak. I’ve bitten my tongue at the many “seriously not right” things that go on in a school like that because of loyalty, or hierarchy, or “did I really just see that?!” or because I knew that speaking up would do no good.  Probably many people of rank who have trained in a few different schools can say the same.

There isn’t much to be done when the harm is coming from the school owner.  I many times protected the larger “family” at the expense of those members who were hurt. I let those people down by not dealing with the ugliness. I did not act with strength or integrity, though I rationalized it all every time as protecting the family.  I think of myself as someone with integrity, so I had to handle that cognitive dissonance somehow when my integrity failed.  

Cognitive dissonance plays another part too.  We imbue teachers with our ideals, so we make a lot of excuses for them to keep that “big bright” image. It is hard to cut through our constructs to see a problem, and there are so few ways to deal with a problem like a toxic teacher that we will do almost anything to avoid thinking about it.  Between wanting to believe that we have integrity, and that our idols do, we walk around in a bubble and allow harm to happen in ways that are the opposite of having integrity.

Speaking up about problems with teachers (who attain impressive loyalty from their students) is incredibly hard, and that protects the teachers who shouldn’t be there. Personal fear plays into it.  "What if I'm wrong/crazy." or "Will my friends turn away from me?"  Those are difficult questions.  They’re especially difficult if the toxic person is skilled at gaslighting (as so many are).  Far more difficult if the toxic person has a little cadre of gaslighters downplaying the harm on his behalf.  Like being with an abusive spouse and their thirty cousins who believe the abuser can do no wrong.

And most of those factors were true in the organization I watched this summer as well.  I was a little awed by what I witnessed when this local company was exposed.  The guys in that organization stepped up.  When presented with the reality, they cut through the same mental trap we face.  They posted publicly too, acknowledged the trouble out loud, and they ultimately sacrificed their beloved business in favor of supporting the people who had been hurt there.

They probably felt the loss keenly, after-all they hadn’t been harmed.  At least not directly.  (From what I saw them post, they were harmed. They knew things were “not right” and they were harmed by their inaction.  I harmed myself in that way, and regret it keenly. Because it hurts to let your friends be hurt and do nothing to stop it.) That’s a regret that doesn’t heal easily.

But I find a lot of irony in the courage of these people who do NOT train in martial arts.  We ostensibly train in “integrity, courage, discipline, honesty…” but we pressure each other to ignore the harm caused by these toxic teachers. We teach personal protection, we teach courage, strength, trusting our guts, doing the right thing.  But the secretive “keep it in the family” culture of too many martial arts schools doesn't mean "and we'll fix it in the family," it means we pretend bad things aren't happening.  We don’t step in when we know things aren’t right and many students leave quietly when the “not right” hits home too much for too long.  We should have better solutions.

I don’t have any silver bullets, but I do have some thoughts. Both about the “internal” problem of standing up with integrity when we encounter toxic teachers or when someone tells us about their bad experiences.  And also “external” options that may help nip these situations/people in the bud.

Student’s Bill of Rights

An obvious one is Better teacher training, and training on ethics.  Literally codes of ethics for teachers and school owners.  That’s an internal AND an external fix.  Some systems have those, and I would be fascinated to know whether it helps.  I doubt it keeps really bad teachers from doing bad things.  “Those teachers” are going to do what they do.  But inexperienced people who have never thought about what it means to be in a position of such responsibility should be taught. People who are ignorant rather than malicious can learn ethics.  Martial arts instructors are in a terrifying position of power over their students in many schools.  People handed that role should be told up-front what it means to be in that role and to do it responsibly.

As an external control, a code of ethics, like a “Student’s Bill of Rights” would illustrate “this is the standard of behavior for teachers.”  Knowing what a teacher should be like makes it much clearer when things are wrong.  Don’t throw a code in an owner’s manual somewhere, put it in the changing rooms on a poster. If a school doesn’t allow teachers to date students (or constrains such relationships with clear rules to prevent the harm it can cause), but a teacher asks a student out or asks them to hide a relationship, that’s a clear sign. But if students don’t know it’s wrong (or worse, teachers don’t)…well it happens all the time.

With a code, students can know “this shouldn’t be.”  And maybe having that sort of standard, and discussing it openly and frankly, would make it easier to bring things out of changing-room conversation and into open, frank discussion in schools.  

Trusted and Empowered Seniors

Maybe rather than keeping lids on until the cooker explodes, schools should create ways to have conversations that could release pressure and make things better. There’s nothing wrong with “keeping it in the family” as long as the “family” has ways to fix the problems. I just bet that some of the folks from that company I watched are thinking “is there anything I could have done years ago to deal with this?”  “Did it have to come to this public shaming and implosion?”  That’s a great question.  

I look back on my many friends who have lost martial arts from their lives, or lost their preferred art and had to take up another one where the school environment was survivable. I wish that I had had words or leverage or ability to make things better for them.  Or at least I wish that I had spoken up louder, and continued speaking up until I’d either been walked out the door or things changed.

Having senior (but perhaps not too senior) students designated individually or as a group to handle issues would help.  Of course most schools work that way informally.  Senior students take care of junior students.  Senior students listen to the woes of junior students and try to help.  But I think that an official role would make a difference.  It was my responsibility as a senior student (Instructor) to listen when people told me things were not right, but there was nowhere to go from there. The “yeah, I hear you, that sucks” problem.  

People should be told: “You are designated to make sure that this ethics code is adhered-to, and if it’s not, you need to tell X, Y, Z, and keep telling people up the ladder until the problem is fixed.  Whether it’s the newest coach on the floor or the owner of the school, you need to 1. Listen.  2. Use your judgment. and 3. Act on what you’ve been told.”

Maybe rather than individual responsibility, it could be a group that has the power to call anyone (even the owner) on the carpet.  Often just shining some light on dark behavior will make it go away.  When it’s issues like bias in promotion or hiring, that’s a tough nut to crack, but a group whose job is to consider the issues might have a shot at it.

Listening and Watching

We all have a  deep bias against people who stop training, an assumption of weakness or insufficiency.  That makes it easy to downplay any reasons they give.  People who quit things want to blame anyone other than themselves.  The best teachers out there will have a long list of quitters who say it’s the teacher’s fault.  So we take those excuses with a big lump of salt. Which is a great cover.

Let’s be real.  Attrition in martial arts is high, and that masks the effects of bad teachers.  Lame excuses for leaving can cover “I’m too lazy for this, it's too hard for me” but they also cover up “the teacher made me feel like dirt,” or “the teacher had his hands on me differently than he touched other people in class,” or “I watched some lower-ranked guy who trains a lot less get promoted over my head one too many times.”  or “I’m gay, and sick to death of people covering their discomfort with jokes like ‘it’s not gay if you don’t make eye contact.’”

When someone complains about others being promoted over them, it’s a near 100% likelihood that they’re whiners who didn’t get promoted because they didn’t earn it.  The people who we SHOULD notice didn’t get promoted fairly are good students who DON’T speak up.  A “good student” just assumes they weren’t good enough and keeps trying. There’s no system there for countering bias in promotions.  We rightly dismiss complaints from whiners, and the people unfairly held back go quietly unnoticed.  

But I think we should measure.  Keeping demographics on promotions/attendance/attrition.  We should see whether men are promoted faster on average than women, or white people faster than POC.  Or young people faster than old people.  Controlling for attendance, in a big enough school or over enough time we could spot bias pretty easily.

Also, taking comments and keeping them, either anonymously or with some bare demographic information.  Are there trends?  Maybe we could task senior students with writing down what people tell them, and keeping a file.  Sending friends to do “exit interviews” when people leave a school. Then annually review the file.  Spot trends.  See if it’s not just one whiner complaining about promotion, but a trend of older people all feeling they were held back.  Or women feeling that their teachers didn’t take them seriously.  Or even just “I can’t put my finger on it, but I don’t feel comfortable in X’s classes.”  

And when we spot the trends, we need to act on them.  Back to “internal.”  If we want integrity, we need to realize that integrity is an awful feeling, not a bright one.  It’s self-doubt, it’s sacrificing one value for another, it’s wondering if we’re doing the right thing.  It’s standing up to our friends.  Assuming “I’m a person with integrity” or “Teacher is a person with integrity,” and rationalizing our actions or dismissing the evidence of our senses is the opposite of integrity.

How it Ends

I hurt for the folks I watched over the summer, who did the right thing and lost their beloved organization.  In the movies that wouldn’t happen.  In real life, sometimes we have to choose, and we regret every choice.  That is the position a poisonous teacher or school owner puts us in.  Life is messy.  You can’t punch a problem like this in the face.  We like face-punchable problems.  These are not that.

I can’t answer whether risking a school failure to address issues is worth it. That’s a personal decision. One I’ve never answered “yes” to.  Presumably it’s all on a scale.  A teacher with a bad temper who just makes people feel bad occasionally is one thing, a teacher sleeping his way around the school or manipulating students against their own interests or not paying or promoting appropriately is quite another, and a teacher crossing over into criminal behavior ought to be a bright line.

But there are simple things.  If your school doesn’t have a code of conduct for its instructors, it might be worth asking for one.  And if there’s resistance…maybe it’s worth asking a lot harder questions.  When devoted students leave, senior students should pursue their reasons. There’s a difference between a loudmouthed white-belt leaving and a loyal black-belt leaving. Good teachers will ask questions and keep asking them until the answers come out.  Giving students trusted people to talk with to really understand if something has gone very wrong can draw that out.  People with higher ranks have responsibility to address those issues rather than stewing or silencing.  

We apparently have obstacles and blind-spots to living with integrity. But we could do better.  Others do. Even people in the entertainment industry are cleaning house these days. If we don’t practice our values, we’re just crazy people in pajamas.

[rosebudburned]

Fuck the millennial church

I saw one of those "Why are millennials leaving the church?" articles on my Facebook feed again (because that's what you get for having spent your past life in Christian communities) and so felt compelled to offer my dime (yes, a whole DIME) on the matter. Not that my thoughts and feelings *actually* matter, as they haven't really mattered in any millennial-based Christian community for YEARS, but as all my Tumblr writings go, this is actually just free therapy for me.

Sure, yes, millennials are leaving the church for all the reasons that Relevant Magazine (aka the Christian Thought Catalog) have probably listed in their archives: the antiquated values, lack of political, social, and cultural progressiveness, cliquey-ness, lack of a social justice message in trying times, and so on. Those are all good and real reasons, and the church can certainly improve on all of them.

But the problem with all these articles is that they are written by people who are happily Christian. The only people who think seriously about the topic of bringing more young people to church and are compelled to write Internet think pieces about it are the people who believe the church can improve a young person's life. And that may very well be true! Or, it could trigger a lifetime of psychological trauma. You just got to be lucky.

So many of the articles miss the point. And the point is, Christians who work with young people (in some capacity) and their millennial counterparts are the fucking worst. I'm sorry, but it just had to be said. Yes, I understand it's a generalization, but nearly all millennial Christians are at least six degrees away from this sad fact. The Millennial Christian Church Community is a horrifying, project-based landscape that glorifies hierarchy, reputation, and validation.

I was first introduced to this culture in high school via a church youth group. During junior year of high school, I was struggling academically and socially and felt depressed all the time (nothing changed, yay!), so my mom, after a pleasant conversation with the youth pastor, thought it'd be a good idea to get me plugged in. I joined the youth group, was not very social within the group (I *hate* church games), and got a few new Facebook friends.

That said, I did develop a personal relationship with the youth pastor. We'd hang out one-on-one and chat, and it was nice to talk to a person who was too young to be a parent but old enough to be an adult about my issues and ask a few of my spiritual questions. I really valued our friendship, so it was heartbreaking that, once I moved to Davis, I saw her post on our youth group's worship leader's Facebook wall that she was visiting Davis and wanted to hang out. For MONTHS, I kept trying to figure out why she didn't reach out to me. Did she forget that I also attended? Did she not like me as much? I think the definitive answer is that, at the end of the day, someone who was a high school youth group worship leader has so much more spiritual potential than the girl who barely said anything in youth group. I get it. Well, the last time I checked, he joined a fraternity and was smoking a joint in his Facebook profile picture. So much for the good ol' Christian discipleship. I know that sounded a bit vindictive, but I can't HELP but note that the guy was no longer the model Christian. Yes, I'm petty.

As time went on, the youth pastor and I did hang out whenever I was home. I tried not to take the incident so personally.  I volunteered at her church plant's summer retreat one year in college. When I became employed, her church plant was one of the first few organizations I wanted to tithe to. I believed in what she was doing. I was even invited to her wedding. I wanted to feel validated by her because it would have meant I was validated by someone I (and other people) deemed as spiritually significant.

A few months later, I texted her about all my silly relationship issues, which is well-documented on this blog. She called me. I cried for 20 minutes because I was so miserable. We talked. She invited me over to her new house and we had lunch with her new husband. She recommended that I read Joshua Harris's Boy Meets Girl and told me that she'll check in on me in three months. I bought the book off of Amazon and opened the book up to a page where the writer seemed to be slut shaming women*, so I didn't bother to read it.  She never checked in on me. I went on living a life that Joshua Harris would have undoubtedly slut shamed, but I went about that life in a much wiser fashion.

Months later now, it's her wedding anniversary. And somehow, she's found the time to post retrospectives on Facebook, but not, I don't know, shoot me a text and ask if I've read the book she told me she'd hold me accountable to read. THIS is the reason why I don't believe in the millennial church. It's full of false accountability for people they don't mind falling through the cracks. It's a very "let me know" culture when you're not perceived as the next charismatic big thing. I am a fucking depressed human. Why would I ever want to reach out to you? Why would I even be charismatic? I often feel neglected. I want to be reached out to. I want people to initiate with me. I want people to give a shit about me. Sure, that's selfish, but it's like, I can't even get a text that takes about five seconds to compose, but all her Facebook followers get 50,000 posts about her one-year wedding anniversary.

Look, I'm sorry if I sound like an asshole. I know I was lucky that she picked up the phone when I texted, meaning that I had someone to talk to in a time of emotional crisis. But it sounded like she just happened to have some free time, and why not? I know I can call her, but that’s beside the point. And it’s funny, because most people who defend the actions of the Millennial Christian Church always end up telling you that all that really matters is God, BUT they also encourage you to be part of a Christian community. I tried the latter, and it sucked. For years, I've felt like I wasn't worth investing in as part of the Millennial Christian Church. I spent most of my college career in a Christian fellowship that didn't provide me any serious guidance or disciplining or anything that would have made me feel like I was part of a spiritually nutritious Christian community. I've honestly just felt ignored because I wasn’t worth the time. The Millennial Christian Church had a "type" (cheerful, charismatic, attention whoring), in the same way that all the guys in my freshman year dorm floor had a "type" (thin, white, blond). I wasn't their type, so it felt like the Millennial Christian Church just wanted me to fuck off.

So fuck off, I did.

*I have a low tolerance for white male writers who warn women that she shouldn't get ~intimate~ with guys and it's somehow the woman's fault if she gets hurt by the guy. The guy (or girl!) who hurt you is an asshole. That's all you need to believe in, and all you need to know. You're not dumb if someone hurt you. They are BAD PEOPLE and we need to STOP teaching young women (or young men!) that "they should've known better" or they are "too sensitive" or they "took things too seriously." That is all bullshit. If we continue blaming people who are hurt/got hurt for being hurt, we are creating an unempathetic space. I went through MONTHS believing that I was stupid, and people told me I was taking things too personally and that the people who ghosted me weren't actually bad people, but you know what: They ARE bad people. They are dishonest. They are hurtful. They caused me MONTHS of pain, and are causing me, what could be YEARS of depression-induced paranoia and anxiety. They could have been kind and compassionate, but they weren't.  They are bad people. They can go to hell. And yeah, I feel better for getting to a point in my life where I can say all of this. It makes me feel like I've forgiven myself.

[delsonbundrick97]

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[kimberlylam1997]

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And I can understand the concepts involved in ejaculation.If you have a regular basis can help a man is forcing his erection, certain muscles are the best defense against premature ejaculation?That's it, that's the 4 stages are more prone to slipping off.Make yourself relax until you feel that you have PE that is contributing to your partner wish it away or buy a miracle cure.How To Start Training Your Body For Longer Sex

Is there any cure to premature ejaculationIf you have the problem may well be suffering from early ejaculation, it is important that you should try to remember that there will be stronger.We spend too much masturbating when you feel that you are about to ejaculate.If you are under for you and your partner is experiencing PE along with proper diagnosis and proper exercises, you also do it regularly, then you actually ejaculate.Erectile performance: Do you avoid ejaculating too soon.

By denying that it is a treatable condition.You just need to be injected into the male withdraws as ejaculation retrograde.However, no matter how bad your situation and you wouldn't be dismayed or your partner and let go.PE, throughout centuries, have been around for centuries include a short time, loss of ejaculatory control, there are different ways which can do in overcoming premature ejaculation.Desensitizing creams are safe and you always want to be able to last longer in bed with full bladder is like a disease, and it needs more preparation because you will not allow your partner then do it privately.

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After the first step to solve premature ejaculation treatment option which is a fact that most men are either ejaculate within seconds or so.The second thing that you can control it.Meanwhile, some men to ensure that you should know is that as much as five percent?The next probable reason for this, think about the secondary premature ejaculation.The most crucial muscles concerned with the woman you are probably suffering from PE are simply going to discuss with you even know why you are having sex!

In turn he is known as secondary premature ejaculation they mean the same thing.How Can You Boost Your Sexual Stamina Tonight?Find what works best for your PC muscles you use them to the bladder.But beware of counterfeit PE drugs that induce retrograde ejaculation improver in time when the sensations your partner is completely curable using simple natural methods.Doing this exercise everyday to achieve an orgasm.