#& how majority of his big battles have been IN these virtual spaces so he never got the chance to actually learn to heal from that
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chstart ¡ 1 year ago
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i want to say ordinal scale was the sao universe's pkmn go but. in-universe it gets released in 2026. it's pkmn go,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,2
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aion-rsa ¡ 3 years ago
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Marvel’s Loki Episode 5 Ending Explained: Who is the Real Villain of the MCU Series?
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This article contains spoilers for Loki episode 5.
Agent Mobius did say that time ran differently in the TVA but who could have imagined that the penultimate episode of Loki would arrive so quickly? Marvel’s Loki episode 5 “Journey Into Mystery” keeps up a streak of superb installments for this increasingly superb show. 
In this hour, Mobius joins the side of the heroes, Judge Renslayer has some questions, and Loki and Sylvie’s relationship continues to blossom thanks to the conjuring of an uncomfortable green blanket. Equally as important, however, is that “Journey Into Mystery” raises some big questions about the ending of this show and the future of the MCU. Questions like…
What is The Void?
This episode does a pretty good job of succinctly describing what the Void is. The Void is the end of time, itself. Since the Time-Keepers are unable to completely destroy matter (Theory of Conservation of Mass and all that), they send unwanted Variants to the end of the timeline to languish or be swallowed by a hungry monster (more on him in a bit). 
In Marvel Comics, The Void is something of an actual character. It is a destructive amorphous entity capable of both adopting a corporeal form and destroying the universe as we know it. During the Siege storyline, the Void even killed Loki, which then facilitated his “rebirth” as Kid Loki. See how this all starts to fit together?
What is Alioth?
In the world of Loki, Alioth is a big, hungry cloud monster that prowls the Void looking to consume yummy matter. It’s the TVA’s unwitting cleaning service, wiping out all the Variants that the TVA can’t eliminate. Classic Loki helpfully offers up the analogy that the Void is a shark tank, and Alioth is the shark.
Alioth of the comics was first introduced in 1993’s Avengers: The Terminatrix Objective #1. That same comic also introduced Ravonna Renslayer and features Kang the Conqueror as its central villain. Oh yeah, it’s all coming together. 
Alioth is considered to be the first being that broke free from the constraints of time. It’s no wonder then that it would make an appearance in Loki.
What’s Up With That Castle?
It’s about time a Marvel villain lives in an honest-to-goodness castle! While it’s still possible that this is a misdirect and this environment is not what it seems, for now it looks like episode 6 will be headed off to a spooky castle.
Interestingly, there are no shortages of spooky castles in Marvel comics lore. Perhaps the most famous one is Castle Doom within Doomstadt. Bet you’ll never guess who lives there! Yes, it’s ol’ Victor von Doom himself, Doctor Doom to his friends…of which he has very few.
Another notable abode is Castle Limbo, which serves as the home of Immortus, who was once Nathaniel Richards a.k.a. Kang the Conqueror. Look, Kang is a confusing character, so you’ll just have to trust us on this one.
What is Mobius’s Plan?
Thank the gods that Loki and Mobius finally embraced their destiny as best bros. Mobius leaves all the Lokis behind in The Void to return to the TVA. What does he plan to do once he gets there? Why, burn the whole thing down, of course!
It’s unclear how Mobius believes he’s able to pull off such a grand task. The TVA is an enormous bureaucracy with seemingly infinite moving parts. The only real weapon that Mobius has at his disposal is the truth. The truth changed his and Hunter B-15’s perspectives but can it do the same for everyone else? The only other named TVA employee that we’re aware of is Casey (Eugene Cordero). He seems like a sweet, non-confrontational lad. But perhaps that will all change once he realizes he’s been robbed of fish dinners his whole life.
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What Becomes of the Other Lokis?
The most pleasantly strange aspect of “Journey Into Mystery” is how many new Lokis it introduces. This hour features: Classic Loki (Richard E. Grant), Boastful Loki (DeObia Oparei), Kid Loki (Jack Veal), President Loki (Hiddleston), and Alligator Loki (uh… a CGI alligator). Naturally, each of those Lokis has their own official hashtag sprite on Twitter. 
Fittingly for their chaotic energy, each of the Lokis introduced in this episode have quite different ultimate fates. Boastful Loki betrays his Loki comrades, because that’s just what Lokis do. The subsequent scene of President Loki and his Void army battling the other Lokis is one of the best moments of this show yet. That causes our Loki to take off with Classic, Kid, and Alligator. When Mobius invites that trio to come back to the TVA with him, they decline because the Void is their home now.
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Sylvie is the Secret Heart of Marvel’s Loki
By Lacy Baugher
Games
How Loki and Fallout Use Retrofuturism to Unnerve Us
By Matthew Byrd
That is the last we’ve seen of Kid Loki and Alligator Loki thus far but not the last of Classic Loki. The comic-accurate trickster returns to help Loki and Sylvie when they need it the most. He uses stunningly powerful magic to create an approximation of Asgard all around him, distracting the ravenous Alioth. Even Sylvie with her enchantress power is stunned by Classic Loki’s abilities. 
Is Richard E. Grant’s Classic Loki Really Dead?
Ultimately Classic Loki is swallowed up by the Alioth and therefore finally blinked out of existence. Or is he? It seems like he could have been utilizing the very same technique here he claims to have used to escape his death at the hands of Thanos in Avengers: Infinity War. “I think we’re stronger than we realize,” Loki tells Sylvie, so this would certainly be a case of that if it came down to it.
Plus, that leads us to the final and most important question that this episode raises. 
Who is the Villain?
Who indeed? There has been one name bandied about as the most likely Loki Big Bad. Before we get to him (and it’s absolutely who you think), indulge us in another theory. What if the villain of Loki is…
Classic Loki or Another Loki Variant
Richard E. Grant is kind of a big deal as an actor. It’s not every day you can find a seasoned performer who can portray a kindly exterior with some menace underneath. With that in mind, it’s possible that Classic Loki is a bigger character than he appears at first glance. This episode goes out of its way to communicate just how powerful Lokis can be. And when you combine that kind of god-like power with a trickster’s sensibility, it’s not hard to imagine that Classic Loki, or another Loki entirely, could be pulling all the strings. 
Kang the Conqueror 
While Loki confronting himself in the end would make for a dramatically interesting enterprise, the hard evidence at hand still seems to indicate that Kang the Conqueror is our real villain. The internet at large has been banging the drum for Kang the Conqueror as the ultimate Loki villain for weeks now and it’s not hard to see why.
This isn’t a case of collective delusion like with all of the Nightmare/Mephisto WandaVision theorizing, Kang really does seem to be a legitimate possibility. For starters, we know we already have an MCU actor for Kang in the fold already in the form of Jonathan Majors (Lovecraft Country). Kang was announced for Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania but doesn’t it sound very Marvel for the character to make his unexpected debut here?
In the comics, Kang the Conqueror is wrapped up in multiverses, timelines, and all manner of heady sci-fi nonsense that Loki is already invested in. In fact, as Reddit user u/Hpotter821 points out, one iteration of Kang in Marvel comics sought to become Immortus by eliminating all of his other Variants. It would seem that creating the TVA to police other timelines would be quite useful in that mission. 
Then there’s the fact that Kang has at least some level of crossover with just about every major character and element of Loki. Kang has a relationship with Ravonna Renslayer in the comics and is also an occasional rival of Alioth. The show is not shy about injecting Kang’s aesthetic into the proceedings. While ostensibly space lizards as Loki described them, the Time-Keepers do appear to resemble the classic Kang the Conqueror look a bit. And the TVA logo? 
Oh. Hey. I just noticed that the centerpiece of the Time Variance Authority’s seal totally looks like Kang’s head. 🤷‍♂️ #Loki pic.twitter.com/93QzNDVSbi
— Ken Plume (@KenPlume) July 2, 2021
Oh yeah, that’s Kang, baby.
Perhaps by this time next week, all of this Kang conjecture will look as silly as WandaVision’s Mephisto fever dream. It’s undeniable, however, that Loki has provided us with plenty of breadcrumbs. If it’s all a Kang-sized red herring, then so be it. 
Doctor Doom
This is a considerable longshot, despite the fact that we’ve wanted it to happen for a long time. Doom was at the center of Marvel Comics’ multiverse-shattering Secret Wars event by Jonathan Hickman and Esad Ribic, and the castle we see in this episode’s conclusion sure does look an awful lot like his humble Doomstadt home.
Every time we get excited about Doctor Doom or the potential Secret Wars threads embedded in this show, we’re brought back to reality by the fact that there’s virtually no way that Marvel would introduce arguably their greatest villain in a teasing series finale episode, especially not when they’ve got the Kang-centric Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania to tee up with Kang. Yes, we’re hedging our best by including him, but can you blame us?
Anyway, patience, Doom fans. The Fantastic Four movie is finally a priority for the MCU, and we should see that by 2023.
Kevin Feige
This obviously won’t happen but in the spirit of Marvel’s next Disney+ series What If…?, what if Loki and Sylvie arrive to the throne room in the castle and Marvel Studios head Kevin Heige is hanging out there wearing one of his trademark baseball caps? As witnessed in WandaVision and now Loki, this phase of Marvel cinematic storytelling is clearly about setting up a new multiverse of possibilities. What better way to introduce that multiverse than by completely breaking the fourth wall?
OK, so there are probably a ton of better ways but Feige would at least be fun and truly unexpected.
The post Marvel’s Loki Episode 5 Ending Explained: Who is the Real Villain of the MCU Series? appeared first on Den of Geek.
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itsclydebitches ¡ 5 years ago
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RWBY Recaps: “Out in the Open”
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Last night, out of morbid curiosity and perhaps a smidgen of self-hatred, I asked myself, “Huh. I wonder how long my RWBY Recaps are?” Not the whole project, just this season’s writings. So in the fifteen minutes between being a functioning member of society and falling into bed, I copied all my recaps from Volume Seven, chucked them into a Word document, removed the images, fixed wonky spacing, and ended up with:
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Over 40,000 words. I have, arguably, written the equivalent of a middle school grade book. If middle schoolers were interested in reading salt about a web series. …Which now that I think about it, they probably are. The point though is that there’s a lot here and some of you have read every single word of it.  That’s seriously impressive and I want you to all have virtual cookies. Especially when I watch “Out in the Open” and realize how absolutely off the rails this show has gone and I consider it a minor miracle that any of us are still sticking with it.
First off, let me lay out the things I really liked about this episode:
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Setting the trap for Watts at Amity Arena. Provided that Ironwood really can beat him solo (does his skill deserve that amount of self-confidence? Especially after recognizing that he should craft a team of three to go against Tyrian?), that was just an all around smart move on his part. Watts now has enough control over the technology of Mantle and Atlas that he would have come across the Amity project eventually, so best to just spill the beans on his own terms. The terms being claiming it’s complete when really that’s just a lie in order to lure Watts out into the open. And uh, yeah... take note that this was another lie. If viewers honestly believe that leaders must never ever lie/keep anything from their people simply because it’s morally wrong, then start calling out Ironwood for this now. Because we don’t get to praise some lies when they work out well (like now) and others when they don’t (like with Ozpin).
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Setting up the fight at the Arena itself with Watts having control over the dust there, essentially turning the whole area into one massive weapon. If Rooster Teeth makes use of even half the possibilities here, that should make for an absolutely epic fight.
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Watts’ steampunk-esque, dramatic as fuck gun. That weapon is a thing of beauty.
Yeah, basically if it has Watts in it I enjoyed myself. Everything else? Not so much.
We open on Mantle positively overrun with grimm. No surprise there. We’re once again shown though how absolutely devastating grimm remain as an enemy. Ironwood’s soldiers are able to kill the lesser grimm with their guns, but in seconds one is taken out. The older, mammoth-like grimm take at least two to three highly skilled huntsmen to defeat and, as we saw with Blake, Yang, and Elm, they’re going to be really out of breath when they’re done with just one of them. Really then, with a team of only fifteen or so, how are they going to manage all of this:
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Obviously they do manage and I can’t truly fault Rooster Teeth for giving us a solution that doesn’t quite align with the problem. It’s common enough in any story to set big stakes and then have the heroes, somewhat miraculously, come out on top. Rather, this is only an issue as it pertains to the conflicts Rooster Teeth themselves have introduced, namely what telling people about Salem will do to the rest of the world as it pertains to grimm attacks. I’ll get to the details of Ironwood’s announcement in just a moment (oh boy...), but we’re seeing that same sort of ~everything is magically okay, just hand wave away the issue~ writing here. It’s one thing to watch the group struggle and then have all those grimm conveniently defeated off screen, to have the audience fill in those magical blanks during a single battle. It’s something else entirely though to do that for one of the major problems you’ve set up for a season. Ironwood is right to worry about the grimm because everything we’ve been shown tells us that an announcement of this nature would decimate the world. Mantle gets that many grimm, of that age and power, because their heat has been off for half an hour? But telling them about a woman hell-bent on their destruction doesn’t change the situation in the slightest? Everyone just conveniently cheers in solidarity rather than experiencing a base function they have no control over: fear? If RWBY adhered to its own logic that announcement should have been Mantle’s ruin. It would have been another Fall of Beacon. Because all the “We can beat her!” encouragement isn’t going to override the basic terror that comes with learning that a) someone is actively trying to kill you and b) at least two of that person’s minions are currently in your city, doing a damn good job of it. To say nothing of the added anger at learning that Ironwood was keeping this from them, that this is why he was taking resources, that he still hasn’t managed to fix things, etc. The only reason this announcement didn’t lead to Mantle’s destruction is because, again, RWBY prioritizes one very convenient emotion over all the others. Mantle miraculously comes together, putting aside all their previous fury and only feeling hope in the face of even worse news, conveniently keeping more grimm from arriving. That’s... not how an angry mob works. And as I’ve pointed out numerous times before, RWBY is no longer a fairy tale unconcerned with realism. This isn’t, as I’ve seen others insist, a wonderful moment of hopepunk. This is the writing turning repercussions on and off at their will.
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But I’m getting way ahead of myself. Before all this we see Nora taking out some sort of saber-toothed cat grimm, then looking put out at the horde rushing towards her. Which for me just re-emphasizes how huntsmen are the only ones capable of handling this kind of threat. They’re almost bored at times, whereas the normal fighters are straight up dying. All of which should be a problem because there’s like twenty fully trained huntsmen in Atlas right now and we had a whole arc about how Lionheart managed to wipe out a ton elsewhere. How will the world handle these kinds of grimm attacks when the one group of people capable of beating them are so few and far between? Again, it’s not a question that is answered or shown to have any consequences attached to the implied answer of, “They can’t.” Because all those hundreds of grimm are just taken care of off screen. Somehow, someway. 
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During all this we get a nice moment where Weiss saves Marrow with her knight. Love new team-ups like that! Too bad Blake and Yang are still attached at the hip. Will they ever be allowed to be girlfriends while also maintaining other relationships? Who knows.
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We also see Nora dealing with the above mentioned angry mob and the only reason she’s not put into the position of defending herself against civilians is because Ironwood and Robyn conveniently pop up on the screen to make their announcement. 
Okay... Here we go. 
I’m going to be honest with you readers. I don’t even know how to write about all this. It’s just a colossal mess and my thoughts are so scattered I haven’t even figured out how to pull them together yet, let alone start expressing them to an audience. So I apologize that this recap is a mess all its own. However, I can at least start with this.
Ironwood didn’t tell them about Salem’s immortality.
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That’s the crux of EVERYTHING here. I could point out how astoundingly stupid it is to tell the people this while they are currently being attacked by grimm and how, again, the only reason why that didn’t result in his people’s massacre is because the writing is straight up inconsistent about when grimm are a threat. I could spend this whole recap criticizing this moment---another moment---where we see Ruby smiling over the horrible situation she’s helped create, the story painting her as a perfect hero. I could also talk in-depth about how flawed Ironwood’s logic is. Salem inciting hatred has never and will never be the problem. What, does he think that with a common enemy the racists will suddenly open their doors to the faunus? Or that the bandit attacks will stop? That people like Jacques will suddenly start loving everyone who can’t give them more money? I’ve gotten a lot of asks over the last year regarding real life issues, asking me how we solve these horrendous problems. My answer is always the same: there is no simple solution. There is no one, convenient thing that we can implement and then bam, racism, sexism, ableism, etc. is solved forever and always. It takes generations of slow, methodical, one-step-forward-two-steps-back work in order to enact change, the precise sort of work that Ozpin was doing in the form of schooling and advocating for tolerance across Remanant. Ironwood, meanwhile, has given the people that band-aid solution. Salem is the reason we’re divided. Salem is the reason why we’re in danger. Don’t think about our own prejudices or the separate threat of the grimm. Just come together against her and it’ll all be fine, I swear. 
Which may have been a decent way of getting people to defeat Salem---we’ll tackle the other issues later---if Salem could be defeated.
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Everyone realizes this is just a massive version of what Ozpin did, right? Please tell me people get that. Ozpin had a small group of people, told them about Salem, they logically worked under the assumption that they could beat her, and when her immortality was revealed he was condemned for that supposed manipulation. You sent us to fight a war we couldn’t win. How dare you?
Now Ironwood has done the same thing, but dramatically increased the number of people involved. They find out about Salem, they’re encouraged via no corrections to believe that she’s beatable, and thus this city is preparing for a war that many would view as unwinnable if they had all the information. Every one of our leaders has manipulated in this manner now. Ozpin did it, Ruby perpetuated it, and now here Ironwood is doing it again. Except that, again, given the more specific context of each scenario... I still think Ozpin was the most justified. He never wanted the group involved. Rather, they insisted they be a part of things. The group at least are all made up of skilled fighters, not everyday civilians. Telling willing huntsmen in training that they need to “take care of” Salem with the hope that they’ll continue the work of keeping her at bay is not the same thing as letting Ironwood take resources from Mantle for a doomed plan, or Ironwood telling a city of mostly defenseless people that it’s their responsibility to help him deal with this threat. This is who he is calling to action: 
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Not skilled volunteers, but terrified people unwittingly drawn into the situation, and the only reason why their terror hasn’t taken over is because they’re allowed to function under the assumption that Salem can be killed. I’m all for stories where the “useless,” non-combat characters help turn the tide (it’s one of the reasons why I love Pacific Rim so much), but that scenario only works when there’s a clear end in sight; when sacrificing this peace is worth it because banding everyone together will actually lead to victory. But that’s not the case here. All Ironwood has done is set up a situation where the people, like that council member last volume, are going to start asking, “Do you think he can win against Salem? He has to. He’s our only hope. So why hasn’t he beaten her yet? Why aren’t you doing something, Ironwood?” It’s going to be this moment right here on a massive scale. 
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A mob of angry people closing in on an innocent, demanding to know why Ironwood isn’t fixing a problem. What the hell is Ironwood going to do now that he’s set up an expectation he can’t fulfill? More importantly, why would he do that in the first place? I really hate how stupid RWBY has made its characters, shooting themselves in the foot in the name of “Well, secret keeping is bad.” It’s not a setup I agree with, but I could at least stomach it if everyone was on the same page regarding where they place blame. However, once again we see how Ozpin is the only one who got heat for these choices.
Everyone remember Yang’s fury over, “How could you not tell us this?” That wasn’t so long ago, folks. So why isn’t she gunning for Ironwood the second he makes his announcement? How could you tell Mantle about Salem but not that she’s immortal, the exact thing Ozpin did to us and we screamed at/physically assaulted him for? Or, more realistically considering that Yang doesn’t seem to know Ironwood has been informed about the immortality yet, why isn’t she gunning for her sister? How could you put Ironwood in the position where he does to an entire city what Ozpin did to us? This is what I keep talking about in regards to the hypocrisy. The group is endlessly furious at Ozpin for his choices, but when they make those same choices, or others make those same choices… nothing. No reaction. Or the reaction is praise. Why the hell does Ruby look like this
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while watching Ironwood put an entire city into the position she was in during Volume 6? It’s the same thing! Either the city of Mantle is duped into fighting an impossible war without all the pertinent information---the thing that the fandom has raked Ozpin over the coals for supposedly doing to the group---or they’re told about the immortality later and you’re faced with all the same dangers. Who’s going to attack innocents in their fear and anger? Who’s going to dive back into their addictions? Who’s going to give up completely? Who is going to join Salem? “He’s doing it,” Ruby whispers even though hypocrisy remains the name of the game and “doing it” achieves nothing. Seriously, what did Ironwood accomplish here besides briefly emboldening his people? He could have done that through teaming up with Robyn alone. All revealing Salem has done is set up a host of new problems and put an entire city into the position the group thinks Ozpin is morally horrific for putting them in. “Telling us about Salem but not that she’s immortal is Bad” was the emotional center of Volume 6, but now suddenly it doesn’t matter anymore? Would the writing please acknowledge the double standards here? 
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Especially given how many secrets still remain. In the last few hours I’ve seen multiple posts with fans writing about how happy they are that everything is coming to light when... it’s not. This is by no means a clean slate, devoid of secret keeping. In fact, you need a list to keep track of who knows what right now:
Yang: Knows that her mother is the Spring Maiden
Weiss: Knows that her sister is set to become the next Winter Maiden
Blake and Yang: Know that they told Robyn about the Amity secret
Ruby and Oscar: Know that Ironwood now knows about Salem’s immortality. The rest of the group presumably doesn’t know they told him 
Ironwood: Knows about Salem and her immortality but (potentially) not that the relic still has a question, it draws grimm, or the real reason why Ozpin left. Those secrets weren’t acknowledged either way
Robyn: Knows about Salem but not her immortality. Presumably does not know about the relics, the Maidens, etc.
Mantle: Knows about Salem but not the fact that they can’t beat her
At this point I’m just a broken record and I do apologize for that, but what else is there to say when RWBY keeps making the same mistakes every episode? More sloppy setups, more hypocrisy, more picking and choosing when there will be consequences for actions, or when characters will get angry, or even when realism applies. It says a lot about a story that I’m wincing over a shot of our supposed hero smiling and actively agreeing with the villain. Watts is 100% right when he said that “Our tin soldier’s heart has cost him his head.”
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And we’ve still got half an episode of nonsense left. I’m just going to power through the rest of this. 
Hated Jaune’s ridiculous “line up!” moment. That just read as so stupid to me. I get that other people loved it but it just didn’t work on my end. There are better ways to demonstrate growth than having him learn the (oh so difficult?) skill of giving an order via treating adults like five-year-olds. 
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Tyrian goes off to cause more chaos in the form of trying to murder Robyn, only to find that Clover and Qrow are there to back her up. I liked Qrow’s little line about getting a crack at him first because yeah, for him this fight is personal. Last time they met Qrow nearly succumbed to his poison and Ruby was nearly kidnapped. He deserves to get in any killing blows if Tyrian is set to die this volume. 
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We learn that Neo is off to try and steal the lamp from the “farm boy” and oh yeah, wouldn’t it have been great if there was a way to avoid this whole scenario? If the group had, just maybe, put the relic into the vault like they’d intended to do from the start? Or at least give us a good reason for carrying it out in public, at the Schnee mansion of all places. RWBY is chock-full of the most contrived situations I’ve ever seen, relying entirely on random bouts of stupidity for them to “make sense.” No one thinks twice against carrying around their most precious object in a city they know has been infiltrated by Salem’s men. Ironwood starts talking about his secrets in front of the people he’s keeping secrets from. Is it really that hard to come up with scenarios that don’t rely on our heroes randomly losing a large number of brain cells?
Meanwhile, Cinder is going after the Winter Maiden and will no doubt find that Winter is guarding her. Back at the fight, Ruby tries to use her silver eyes but is too distracted. That at least is a limitation on her power, even if it doesn’t make much sense that she’d be more distracted now than when she had a leviathan grimm bearing down on her. 
Penny takes a massive hit and for a brief moment I thought, “Here! Ten episodes in and we’ll finally see Ruby have some reaction to Penny’s resurrection. After all, seeing her friend lying on the ground like that is going to trigger some pretty traumatic memories.” But no. Penny pops up with an “Ouch!” and it’s once again just another joke.
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I did like them using the grimm’s own tusk to take it down though. That was a good and visually interesting plan. We also get to see Penny as the darling of Mantle again, including Robyn complimenting her over the comms. So again, what was the point of framing her, either from the villain’s or the story’s perspective? Who knows. We’re not given a reason. It’s just a thing that happened that, like always, led to no consequences. 
Watts walks into his trap, reveals that he has control over the arena, pulls out his gun, and Ironwood absolutely roasts him with, “You always were a pain in the ass.” Highlight of the episode. Everything else remains a chore to watch.
Three more episodes. Just three more and we can put this mess of a volume behind us. Or at least I can.
Until next Saturday 💚
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minaim-blog ¡ 5 years ago
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DaTr Date Night - Part 1 - At The Arcade
There’s school tomorrow but it’s date night for Dib and Tak. As a break from their usual night out Dib brought her to the local arcade, but there Tak finds something she can’t beat down or pause for later. Will she be able to overcome or this truly unbeatable?
Tak reviewed the state of her vessel meticulously through its computer console. She noted a stable life-support system and defense array at near maximum power, its sensor’s registered itself atop an atmosphere-less asteroid hurling through space with her opponent nowhere to be found. She concluded the disappearance was caused by a cloaking device attached to the enemy’s ship which she had noted lend itself quite nicely to their tactic of minor aggression followed by hasty retreat, repeating until victory was achieved. It had only succeed in dealing minor damage to her vessel both now and at an earlier encounter, but she knew her opponent would need more than a cheap trick to take down an Irken Invader, and also that her opponent (for all she could tell) could not supply anything else beyond that.
Still, she was just as cautious as she was assured of her own victory, as only a fool would let themselves be defeated by their own overconfidence. Contrary to the greatest annoyance on this dirt ball of a planet, which she’s been existing on now for more than six of its solar cycles: Zim. Whose very existence breathed overconfidence, and yet also possessed an infallible tenacity that refused to perish no matter how far to the brink of devastation it was brought. While she did think the later was an admirable trait, she never would have said this openly to him, as it would have only made him that much more insufferable. She was hesitant to call him an ally, more so a neighbor in banishment, and he could still inspire within her a feeling of deepest frustration and malcontent whenever he dared to proclaimed himself as anything besides incompetent.
“Zim is neither here now, nor the reason for coming out.”
She had to tell herself this to refocus on the enemy at hand. Thankfully just as she brought herself back to the battle the enemy provided her with a means to its end. While her enemy’s cloaking device mostly obscured it from her ship’s sensors it was not completely unidentifiable. In their previous encounter Tak noted that her sensor array, while unable to detect the enemy ship, could pick-up any projectile based artillery fired on the battlefield, and thanks to the now incoming fire she was able to pinpoint the general location of her enemy. Maneuvering her vessel past the incoming missiles she utilized her ship’s ability to release a focused EMP based attack at the location of fire, while it deals no damage it makes up for it in its useful ability to remove any buffs the target possess. In one swift motion Tak was both able to avoid the enemy fire and release the blast towards it source leaving two ships now visible on the battle field. Pleased with her accomplishment but rather annoyed at the lack of challenge Tak revealed her disgruntlement,
“Alright, hide and seek is done. Let’s get this over with quickly, my boyfriend and I had the rest of the evening planned.”
Saying this however seemed to anger her opponent, which while it was not her intention, helped in ending their confrontation. Her opponent charge forward blindly in an attack that was easily dodged and Tak followed it with one of her own, dealing major damage to his ship. The vessel she was piloting possessed relatively weak firepower and average defenses but exceled at maneuverability and close quarters combat. Her opponent’s ship lacked firepower, defenses, and had only average maneuverability at best. Its only strength was its cloaking device, which was now useless.
“You know when I said, ‘get this over with’ I didn’t think you would just throw yourself at me. I thought you said you wanted a rematch?”
A display showed up on her screen with a video feed of her enemy, and she was surprised that even with the filter it provided the human looked just as greasy and disgusting as normal. Perhaps even more so, if that was possible. Her opponent roared,
“This is our rematch!”
Goading her enemies was something Tak had trouble avoiding and hated to admit it, but she chastised herself saying that Zim was rubbing off on her and hated that even more. In the instance she thought this to herself her opponent had already charged at her again and was able to land a blow. Tak quickly brought herself to attention and used her opponent’s over extension against him as he spurred a flurry of attacks, and was able to land a powerful counter. The blow was not fatal but the stun it provided allowed Tak to finish him off in her own sequence of attacks or “COMBOS” as Gaz had corrected her before. Tak even tried to remember one of the strings Gaz showed her last time they played together.
“Down, down, up, up, right, left, right, left. Or was it reverse? Was there an ‘X’ somewhere? Or was it ‘B’?”
She continued thinking like this to herself while she was attacking and complained that humans should streamline their attack commands if they ever wanted a chance against a more efficient species. True to any video game however, simply mashing buttons brought her to victory without even focusing and her opponent’s ship was rubble in no time at all. The computer screen on her ship beamed “PLAYER 2 WINS!” and an electronic fanfare blasted into her ears which together with the strobe lights was almost making her nauseous. Thankfully her work was done, and she removed the virtual reality helmet she had been wearing during the fight and found herself in the familiar arcade Dib had managed to drag her into.
Her opponent: the greasy, sweaty, and annoying human, was banging his fists on the computer console and his helmet, managing to hurt himself doing so. He tore off his helmet and glared at Tak while shouting again,
“I want a rematch!”
“That was your rematch.” Tak responded. “And like the first one, it wasn’t much of a match.”
“I would have beaten you, if it weren’t for your bullshit!”
Tak pricked up her brows at that. “Really? Cause from where I’m looking the ship you choose could probably be called ‘bullshit’. I however would call it more of a crutch.”
“It’s not a crutch! It’s a perfectly fair and balanced mechanic! Your ship was the one that’s unfair, it completely counters anything I could throw at it.”
“Why didn’t you pick a ship that was better equipped at fighting it then? I choose the same ship twice.” She removed the gloves to the simulation and got out of her seat while saying this, as indifferent towards him as was physically possible.
“Because I don’t need bullshit like you to kick your ass!”
“Evidently you do, or else you would have won.” She ended their conversation honestly, but her opponent didn’t appreciate it and was now spewing Earth profanities at her as she went away, which she did not care to pay attention to. She wasn’t upset at the profanities, it just made him that much more annoying, but she did feel sorry for him. She knew his emotions would only distract him and never let him improve, and just thinking about that concept made her stomach turn over. The crowd that had surrounded them during their battled seemed to be disappointed and pitied her opponent, but knowing humans she doubted it was for the same reason as her.
“Come along Mimi, let’s find Dib. I’ve had enough of this place.” Her loyal SIR unit, disguised as a cat, followed her in suit after collecting tickets that came from her machine, the purpose of which, still eluded Tak. She then made her way through the crowded and began the search for her big-headed boyfriend.
She had agreed to come to this arcade at request of Dib in hopes of having a “normal” date night. “You know without fighting off intergalactic threats, or hunting paranormal creatures, or having to make sure Zim doesn’t blow up the universe with one of his inane schemes.” She could hear him speak in her memory, and she still didn’t understand what was so much better about a “normal” date. Those fights were at least exciting and even if the enemy was smelly or annoying she was allowed to hit them. The bigfeet stalking he took her on typically ended in the two of them just walking through the forest and talking about anything, which was perfect as far as she was concerned. And not having to worry about Zim depended on Zim, and the probability of him taking a night off to make sure he didn’t spoil their night was about as likely as either one of them ever being allowed within a parsec of Irk again. Their entire night had been a let down from the beginning. As soon as they had set foot into the arcade she was overcome by the smell of old popcorn and stale candy, with jarring sound effects coming from every corner she looked. The dim lights contrasted by the bright consoles reminded her of a miserable city-planet she saw long ago, and the patrons where just as charming as they were clean.
Dib had tried to win her over when he saw how disappointed she knew she looked, he tried to tell her that the real attraction to the place were the games, not the ambiance. Though she had trouble seeing how any of the games could pass for recreation. The first game he brought them to was called “Sky Ball” or some other such nonsense, the purpose of which entailed rolling balls up a ramp into goal posts. While that may have proven a challenge for humans an Irken smeet could probably play that game, and she had been able to beat Dib with a perfect score using fundamental physics. Not to say Dib did horrible, but not perfect. Another game they played involved a battle simulation and Tak was confused how such a thing was meant as recreation and not military training. Another one involved playing as a yellow circle gathering pixels while avoiding ghosts, or one of Dib’s other interests, that clearly followed a predefined path, and so were easily avoidable to the point where she could have beaten the game in her sleep. Every other game they played followed suit similarly, if Tak was playing she found it either too easy or uninteresting, and if they played together Dib didn’t provide an adequate challenge for her. She was very happy that losing didn’t seem to bother Dib too much, definitely not as much as the human she just beat. Eventually he was just as bored by the arcade as she was and the two of them left to the food court section of the arcade to sit down and eat. Dib ordered a plate of nachos for them to split which were adequate except for the cheese which tasted more like syrup than cheese, and she had gagged on it. She then tried to wash it down with a drink from there which she nearly threw back up from the taste and way it burned her throat. While she had spent some time on the planet and built up a resistance to its filth, it didn’t do too much to help. Dib freaked out more than she did and probably would have carried her all the way back to her base if she let him. Tak was able to compose herself though and told him she was fine, but having had enough of their food she told him she needed a moment to walk it off. It was during that time that she ran into the apparent “champion” of the ship battle simulator, which she of course found to be anything but.
Right now she was exhausted of the arcade and just wanted to find Dib and maybe enjoy the walk home together. She made her way back to the food court but was only able to find the empty table they sat at before she left. She was just about to call him and save herself the time looking for him when Mimi grabbed her attention and pointed to familiar trench coat at the far end of the food court. Dib was on a small platform connected to a console doing what she assumed (and dreaded) was some sort of Earth dance, but it seemed that he couldn’t decide if he wanted to be fluid or firm in his movements. His feet were moving up and down the platform in a sporadic manner, but his upper body for the most part wasn’t doing all too much except for when he occasionally brought up his arms for emphasis of a move. While normally she would have been annoyed at him making a fool of himself, after the fiasco their date night had been it was refreshingly humorous. Still, she wasn’t in the mood to stay there any longer than she had to and made her way over to him. As she got closer she could make out on the main screen was a series of arrows overlaid on graphics scrolling from the bottom of the screen to the top and on the platform were corresponding symbols. Blasting out of the consoles speakers was the most jarring music Earth had to offer. So her fears were right and it was a dancing simulator, if the humans could even call it dancing. She approached Dib just as the music was reaching its climax and didn’t try to hide the bewilderment in her voice.
“What on Irk are you doing?”
Dib was caught off guard and immediately spun around to her voice. “Tak! Are you feeling better now?” He was leaning over the guardrails on the platform, evidently a little tired out from his excursion.  
“I’m fine.” She answered tersely, “But I’m ready to leave. I’ve had enough of this arcade.” She was looking past Dib at the machine, unable to hide her sickening curiosity of it. “What is this ridiculous contraption?”
“This? It’s DDR. Do you want to play a round before we go?”
Tak double checked herself to make sure she heard him correctly. “Are you serious? I just told you I’m ready to leave, I’m not in the mood for ‘a round’ of another one of your dumb Earth games!”
“Yeah, but…This one’s different.” Dib pointed behind him as he spoke sheepishly to her.
“Different?”
“Yeah all the other games we’ve played have been pretty straight forward. Applying physics, shooting stuff, avoiding AI patterns-”
“-Basic combat strategies.”
“Which one did we play that was about that?”
“I was playing against someone else when I went for my walk. It’s not important.” She waved her hand away as she said this, brushing the subject aside. “How is this one different?”
“Well this game is really about testing timing and coordination, you have to keep your feet to the beat, and also you need the stamina to last till the end of the song. So really its more about your physical fitness than anything else. This is also probably the game I’m the best at here, it’s the only one I’ve ever been able to beat Gaz on.”
“You’ve beaten Gaz on this?” Tak’s interest was piqued, Gaz was incredibly skilled at video games and on the few ones she liked to play against her Gaz always provided an excellent challenge. Gaz hadn’t beaten her every time they played of course, Tak was constantly improving herself and knew it was only a matter of time before she could beat Gaz consistently.
“Yeah, really just because she doesn’t really like this game.”
Tak knew Dib had an ego, but she also noted he tried to diminish it when he was hanging out with her, which she thought was sweet and also good for him. She felt better about not telling him this, in case it would counteract the attempt he was making.
“Well I still don’t know if I want to play this.” Tak said standing with her arms crossed staring at the machine.
Dib grew a grin after she this, “You’re interested in it though.”
“I’m not.”
“Ah, see? There’s that Irken stubbornness I’ve come to admire.”
“I’m not being stubborn. I’m just not interested.” Tak said this even though she was interested in the game a little bit, if only because Dib said he was able to beat Gaz at it, and that is was different from everything else she tried tonight. Even while thinking this, she still wasn’t sure she was interested enough to try it.
“Come on, we’ll play one game and then I’ll walk you home.”
“One game?” Tak asked still folding her arms over her chest, but saying and doing not much else.
“One game. And then I’ll take you home or anywhere else you want to go for the night.”
Tak stood there weighing her options, and eventually it seemed to Dib that Tak’s curiosity got the better of her.
“Fine.” She dragged out, “One game, then take me home.”
Dib did a small fist-pump after hearing this and started setting up the machine.
“The game’s really simple Tak. I’m going to pick a song and on the screen arrows are going to scroll up. When they reach their outlines at the top you just press the matching buttons on the floor. You get extra points for staying in rhythm so if Irkens have any sense of that you’ll have to show me tonight.”
“We don’t have music on Irk Dib, any such distractions are viewed as detrimental to productivity. And so doesn’t go well for the Empire. Even so, I doubt this will be an issue for me.”
Dib made a small raspberry, “Wow. You Irkens really are a happy bunch? I’m honestly surprised Zim’s one of your species.”
“Dib. It’s bad enough for me that you interact with him when we’re all in the same room. Please don’t make this date even worse than it’s already been by bringing him up.”
Dib rolled his eyes at that but didn’t say anything further to the point. “Do you care which song I pick then?” He said this as he took off his trench coat and hanged it on the platform railing.
“They’re all equally hideous to me Dib, but pick something with a bit less ‘pop’ in it. I find those kinds of songs completely unbearable.”
“This one is probably more your style then.” Dib said as he choose the song on the menu, “Techno-Something” or some other nonsense Tak didn’t bother to read. Before they completed the setup Dib noticed Tak taking a long look over the screen then was usually normal for her.
“This should be easy Dib.”
“Don’t sound too sure of yourself Tak, you know I’m full of surprises.”
She grinned slyly at that but didn’t say anything. Dib asked her a final time if she was ready, and after she said she was the game started and a techno mashup blasted through the speakers. It wasn’t one of Dib’s favorite songs, and it didn’t help that the track had a difficult sequence in the beginning. He was putting in his all regardless, and was able to do decent at first but noticed a fall in his quality as the song drew on.
“What’s a matter sweet Dibble, getting tired already?” Tak cooed over to him.
Dib was so focused on his own screen that he hadn’t looked over to Tak at all, when he did he was stunned to see her screen performing a perfect score but her not moving at all. More so from the shock he hunched over and grasped for breath while asking how she was doing that. Then Dib was reminded that his girlfriend was an Irken Invader. She let out a laugh that would send him into a panic if he still thought of her as an enemy. While she was doing so he saw her pak legs fade in and out of visibility as they flawlessly performed the sequence on the screen.
“That’s cheating Tak.” Was all Dib could say.
“Cheating? I’m not cheating. I’m just using my own advantages to my benefit. It’s not my fault you’re a weak human.”
“Yeah but the purpose of the game is to use your own body. I could probably disassemble this whole thing and reprogram it to always give me a perfect game, but I wouldn’t be actually playing the game at that point. Same as you using your pak to play it for you.”
“Yeah, well too bad. Looks like neither of us are playing now, so there’s no point in arguing over technicalities. And I believe our agreement was you’d take me home after we were done. So let’s get going.”
Tak stepped off the platform as she said this and began walking away before Dib interrupted her.
“It’s okay Tak, I get that you need a crutch.” She didn’t say anything but she stopped in her tracks and visibly tighten. “I mean hell, if I had a robot backpack attached to me my whole life, and I depended on it to do all my physical work for me, I don’t think I’d feel too confident in my ability to play this game either. But hey like you said, we’re not playing anymore. But don’t worry we won’t be coming back here so you won’t have to worry about this catching up to you.”
Dib stepped off the platform as he said this and went next to Tak after he grabbed his trench coat off the guard rail. He could see her shaking slightly, he thought from anger, and was worried for a second that he may have touched a sore spot for her. His concern didn’t last after she spoke to him.
“Dib. Make no mistake. I am way stronger, faster, and more agile than you.”
“Right, which you totally just proved.”
“I don’t need to prove anything to you!” She said spinning around to him. The anger in her voice would have sent him into a panic years ago but since then he’s learned a thing or two about her.
“Oh what’s a matter? The little Irken’s afraid of losing to the human.” He teased her.
The two of them were both facing each other as they talked, and Tak after hearing this came close to him and forcefully pointed into Dib’s chest repeatedly for emphasis as she said,
“Never call me little. Ever. Again.”
“Alright, alright.” Dib laughed off. “The very tall, smart, and pretty Irken is afraid of losing to the small, dumb, ugly human.”
Dib leaned over her as he said this and even picked himself slightly off his tippy toes for a moment. Dib was a good bit taller than she was even with how tall she had become while staying on Earth. Tak hated the fact that Dib had grown to be so tall, and hated that she liked it so much.
“You don’t really mean your pak does all the work for you.” Dib tried to say this as smoothly as he possibly could.
Tak backed away from him for a moment and squinted while bringing her hand to her eyes. “Dib, I know exactly what you’re trying to do-”
“-and it’s working?!” Dib interrupted her sounding very hopeful.
She brought her hand over her head and brushed it through her hair. “You are the most annoying human on this planet, and the second most annoying thing overall.”
“Careful Tak, keep talking like that and you’ll end up making my ego bigger than yours.”
“Please. It’s only an ego if you can’t back it up.” Without another word she stretched herself and stood back up on the platform, the previous song having already ended while they were talking.
“Let’s just get this over with. I don’t care what song you pick. Let me just beat you so we can both go home.”
“If that’s the case then I’m going to pick my favorite song on here. I want to give you a real challenge.”
“If you manage to actually do that, that’ll be the biggest surprise this evening.”
Dib glared at that but didn’t say anything related to it. He set up the game and the two of them were preparing themselves.
“And no cheating this time.” Dib said.
“I don’t need to.” Tak hissed out.
There was silence between the two of them as the game counted down before beginning, and Tak could feel the tension between the two of them growing unbearable. Right before it did Dib said playfully,
“I love you Tak!”
Tak was caught off guard by his statement, if only because she didn’t know if he meant it sincerely, if he was just loosening the tension by being weird, or if he was trying to distract her. She was ready to say something in response, what she was going to say she wasn’t sure, but she was interrupted by the start of the round before she could say anything. A gushy pop song blasted through the speakers, it seemed Dib was throwing all the cards against her now, but she was more determined to win now than she had been before in a very long time. The first opening seconds of the song was easy as all the movements followed a predictable sequence, and Tak was able to land all the movements. She noticed she wasn’t earning a perfect score, as the system indicated she hit the correct buttons but not in “beat”, which she now assumed was a more precise timing.
“This is your song Dib? I’m falling asleep here, if that was your plan it’s working.”
“Don’t boast too soon Tak, it’s about to heat up.”
Not a second after Dib said this, the music faded from its current style to a rest. Tak thought it sounded like the low rumblings before an avalanche, and then the song blasted into a crescendo. Tak attempted to follow along but the previous sequence the song followed briefly in the beginning was gone, and the new one seemed almost random, and the music jarring to her. Her feet shuffled trying to hit the pattern, but she was losing all over the place, and felt clumsy on her feet like she had never used them before.
“Not so easy now, is it Tak?”
She could hear Dib goad next to her. She looked over to him for a second and found he was just as clumsy as she was, probably even worse. She didn’t say anything to this though, she just gritted her teeth and growled slightly while trying to focus. She would win this yet. She tried to recover and find the beat, but every time she got the pattern down it seemed the song would change it just to mitigate her progress. She found herself lifting her arms in emphasis of her movements subconsciously, like how she saw Dib do earlier. She was not going to give up, an Invader would never give up even in the face of total defeat. She eventually found a pattern to the madness, and while she wasn’t hitting every note the song threw at her she felt she was a far cry away from losing. The song had only been going on for a minute or less but she felt it had lasted ages and was already feeling drained. Imagine her joy when she looked over to Dib again and saw he looked more tired than her.
“Give it up Dib.” She started, panting for breath slightly in between moves. “I’ve studied your human physiology, your body can’t produce nearly the same amount of energy as an Irken. You may have been fine at the start of the song, but there’s no way you can beat me now. Without a squeedlyspooch it’s just not possible.”
“Yeah Tak?” Dib started panting just as hard as Tak, “Well it seems like your knowledge of humans is totally off. I’ll have you know we humans get what’s called an ‘adrenaline rush’. Which is this big burst of energy that makes us like fifteen times stronger. It happens all the time, and old ladies can use it to pick cars off of babies.”
“Really?” Tak asked clearly disbelieving.
“Yeah. And you know what? I think mines about to kick in!”
Dib picked up his pace for as long as he could after he said this to help the illusion. He wasn’t sure if Tak bought his bluff, but he could have sworn he saw her try to match his speed and swore under her breath. He couldn’t have chosen a better time to do what he did. The song had ended right when he felt like he would have collapsed if he went on any longer. The two of them weren’t mouthing off at each other after it ended, they had been too tired to do so, and where instead hunched over the guard rail facing the console panting heavily. Tak’s score shot up first: “C-”.
“Hah! Beat that Dib!”
While Tak had said this as boastfully as possible Dib could tell she was extremely disappointed with her score, and hoped it wouldn’t bother her too much later. Dib’s score showed up next, he wasn’t sure what he was hoping for before it came up, but it was on the screen before he could decide: “C+”.
“I… I won?”
Was all Dib could say, as he felt there were eyes burning into the back of his head. If any were though it wasn’t Tak’s. He looked next to him and saw she was still staring at the screen and watched her expression change from shock to complete anger. Dib wasn’t sure if he was more scared of or worried for her.
“Hey Tak, don’t worry about it. It’s only a game.”
He said trying to mitigate the situation but worried he only made things worse. She was breathing heavily, a look of anger still on her. She grabbed the metal guard rail and Dib thought for a moment she was going to crush it with her hands. She must have realized she couldn’t (or decided not to crush it) and instead brought her hands to the rubber padding at the middle of the railing and slowly tore that off, which Dib knew was no easy feat. Her breathing seemed to quite after she did this and Dib hoped she calmed herself down, but right after that Tak turned around and walked away from the console. Dib called out to her but she was ignoring him completely, and not wanting to lose sight of her he went after her without even grabbing his trench coat. He didn’t get more than a few steps before he tripped over something.
“Really Mimi?”
He called out looking around him, but Tak’s Sir unit was just collecting tickets from the machine. It gave Dib a quizzical and angry look as she did so behind her disguise, seeming to state she didn’t trip him but was happy he did. He got up and grabbed his trench coat before going after Tak, glaring at Mimi the whole time. He looked around and called for Tak again but she was nowhere in sight. He assumed she went to the exit and was headed there when he saw Mimi go off deeper into the arcade. Knowing Mimi was a bit more loyal (or at least more obedient) than Gir would be in a situation like this and that she had a sixth sense for Tak’s general whereabouts he followed her in tow. They ended up in the section of the arcade that had the older cabinets that weren’t as popular, and as far as Dib could tell it was just him and Mimi there. He heard a sound like something banging hard against the side of the metal cabinets and he and Mimi both went towards the sound. They found Tak, her head buried in a corner between a wall and an old cabinet, and she wasn’t saying or doing anything. Mimi went up to her and padded at her legs with her paws while mewing, but Tak did not respond in anyway.
“Tak?” He called out cautiously to her.
“That was horrible.” Was all she said.
Dib rubbed the back of his head as he said, “Really Tak it wasn’t that bad.”
“Yes. It was.” Tak stated this flatly, and Dib could sense the frustration in her voice. “It’s bad enough that I lost to you by two whole grades, but the fact that you weren’t in peak condition and I was means I would have lost worse if we were even.”
“I wasn’t tired Tak, that was me giving my all. And you did play really well for the first time. I mean, I’m nowhere near good at that game, I’ve seen people play it before that’ll destroy anything I got, and you really didn’t do as bad as you think.” Dib was nervous and stumbled out his words as he tried to cheer up Tak.
“Don’t fucking patronize me! You know how stupid I looked out there! That thing made me feel like I’ve never used my feet before!” Tak slammed the side of the cabinet again, and turned around to glare at Dib.
“Okay, okay Tak! It’s just a game. You don’t need to get angry.” He brought his hands to his face as he said this and felt a familiar sense of self-preservation taking over him. Tak girted her teeth and clenched her fist harder as she turned around to stare into the corner again.
“I am not angry about the game.”
“You’re-You’re not?” Dib said dumb founded.
“No. I’m not, I’m furious, but it’s not about the game. It’s about how much I’m letting this thing get to me.”
“I don’t understand.”
Tak seemed to curl inward of herself and became smaller before she spoke, “Irkens don’t get mad. Or if they do they don’t let it get in their way. The fact of the matter is that I failed, and when that happens one of two things follow for an Irken: you’re disposed of. Either demoted or removed. Or, you learn from it, and never let it happen again. I shouldn’t be so angry that I can’t focus on what I did wrong and how I fix myself. I should be calm, focused, and determined.”
Tak lowered her voice as she finished and tried to remain collected, brushing a hand through her hair, but Dib saw frustration return to her face before she even finished.
“I shouldn’t be thinking about how much I hate that game, and how stupid it is, and how I never want to play it again, but I just feel angry and I CAN’T STOP FUCKING FEELING THIS WAY!”
Tak punched the side of the cabinet again which made an incredibly loud noise and Dib saw it leave a dent that would definitely be noticed by someone later. Tak didn’t do or say anything else after this, and Dib didn’t know how to try to comfort her, or if he really knew what she was going through. Mimi stopped padding her legs after her final outburst, and went away into the arcade again, Dib wasn’t sure what she was up to “Maybe she’s giving us some time alone?” He thought to himself, and so tried to make the most of it.
“Tak.” He started awkwardly not knowing what to say. “I get it, you’re angry.”
“You think?” She responded harshly through her teeth. Which Dib thought was better than her just being quite, but he wasn’t entirely sure.
“Yeah but I think you’re angry for the wrong reasons. I get, you know, losing at a game sucks. It’s normal that you’re angry about it, but don’t be angry about being angry.”
“I’m not angry about being angry.” She said this with a bit less malice in her voice. “I’m angry that I can’t focus.”
“Right which I think is dumb. What does it matter that you’re not set on getting better at a game you said you’ll never play again?”
“Because an Irken would never be like that,” Tak turned away from her corner to look at Dib as she said this, “an Irken would rise to the challenge no matter what!”
“Well you’re a far cry from Irk now. Maybe you should stop living like you’re under the Empire still. Maybe you should live the way you actually want to now and not the way they would want you to. Here on Earth you can do that.”
Dib thought what he said was pretty inspirational, but Tak didn’t seem too convinced and shook her head slightly before continuing.
“Dib, do you remember when I went to walk-off that disgusting Earth food? I said I was playing another game with someone else. The human I was playing against got so angry when I beat him. So angry that all he could focus on was how angry he was, when I could see, and I knew he could see, how he could have done better if he just looked at what happened objectively and not emotionally. That’s me right now, I’m so focused on my anger that I can’t get better.”
“Well…then I’d say you’re better than he was, at least you’re self-aware.”
“What does it matter that I’m self-aware if I’m still like this, that I’m still def-. That I’m still angry?” Tak turned away from him again into the corner, the faintest look of sadness in her eyes that was almost invisible.
Dib didn’t need to be his dad to figure out what was bothering Tak the most (actually he doubted his dad could figure it out, he never really was much of a people person). Dib knew the “D-Word” was a really sore topic for Tak, one she rarely ever brought up, and if she did she would never want to go any further into it than the length of the conversation brought it. So he tried to cheer her up one last time.
“Well then just be angry. The game’s stupid anyway.” This was all he said to her, and for a moment there was a period of silence in which neither of them spoke or did anything else. Eventually Tak was the one who broke the silence.
“I really hate that game.” She said this with deep loathing in her voice, and turned from her corner to Dib again.
“You’re not the only one, I’m sure.”
“Can we go destroy it?” Tak said with joyous anticipation in her voice, and turned fully away from the corner to face Dib.
“That’ll probably get us kicked out of here permanently, so no.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“I mean the four of us will probably want to come back here again when we all want to hang out. And I know you’ll want to keep trying you’re hand at beating Gaz again.”
“I’ve already beaten her before.” Take said annoyed crossing her arms.
“Beating her some more is what I meant. Gaz would love to play against you on one of the games here.”
“I’m not playing against her on the dancing game.” Tak said almost growling, and Dib tried to back pedal to save himself.
“I never said you would. I said Gaz hates it too, remember?”
Tak still had her arms crossed while they were talking, and she looked more annoyed than upset or angry, so Dib thought she was better but not completely. Even while she looked annoyed she couldn’t manage to look at him in the eyes. Right as they were done talking Mimi came back mewing at Tak’s legs again, but Tak completely ignored her. Dib noticed she was holding a receipt paper in her mouth.
“What do you have here Mimi?” Dib said and reached down for her, and was pleased and surprised that Mimi gave it to him. He looked over it before showing it to Tak.
“It looks like Mimi’s been collecting all of our tickets for the night. I honestly forgot this arcade even had them, and we got over 25,000 to spend.”
Tak tore the ticket out of Dib’s hand and looked over the receipt herself.
“I have no basis for this currency. Is this a lot?”
“Probably enough for us to get anything we want at the prize counter.”
Tak tossed away the receipt towards Dib. He caught it as she started walking away.
“Is that supposed to interest me?”
“We could probably find a toaster or something for you to fiddle with and make a bomb out of if that interests you.”
“Dib, you know the device you call a ‘toaster’ doesn’t have near enough parts to turn it into a practical improvised explosive.”
“Well, you could probably find something else and turn it into something to prank Zim with next time we see him.”
Tak grew a huge grin at the mention of that. “Maybe I can find something to scar or frighten him.”
“So we’ll go to the prize counter and get something?”
Dib went up next to her and grabbed her hand. Tak then leaned into his shoulder and sighed before saying,  
“Do that, and then take me home.”
* * *
“Man… the ticket prices sure have gone up since I was a kid.” Dib said as he scanned the prize counter from top to bottom.
“Inflation is typically a natural course for an ungoverned economy, and this place hardly seems like the type to have any regulation.” Tak said condescendingly.
The two of them were standing next to one another, their hands still intertwined. Tak was leaning her head against Dib, but looked more exhausted than affectionate.
“Is there really a point to us being here still? I don’t see anything I like.” Tak said, once again not hiding her annoyance.
“I’m trying to find you a gift remember?"
“Gift? Last I checked Dib I earned us most of the tickets we have. Doesn’t that make you more of an Indian giver?”
“No, that’s when you give something away only to take it back later.”
“Whatever! My point is I don’t need anything from here.”
“Yeah, but you’ve been having a shitty night. I just wanted to get you something to make up for it.”
Tak sighed in resignation, “Just pick something quickly, and let’s get out of here.”
Dib was looking as hard as he could, but he wasn’t finding anything he thought Tak would enjoy. She liked to dabble in examining “primitive Earth technology” every once in a blue moon purely for fun, but all of them were in the upper millions. They did have a toaster funnily enough, but that was half a million, so also out of budget. The only items they could afford where the small to medium sized stuffed animals, and some other toys. Thankfully it was just the two of them at the prize counter and the employee running it was preoccupied on his phone, so he spoke to Tak freely about what she’d really use the potential gift for.
“What about that can of slug?” He said pointing to a cheap toy labeled Biohazardous Waste, “I’m sure it’ll burn Zim a little bit, or you could poison his lunch with it.”
Tak came to attention at his suggestion and was considering it for a moment but said, “Nah, I could probably synthesized something worse on my own.”
“Okay well how about that laser?” He said pointing to a plastic laser toy on the wall which boasted the ability to shoot real lasers.
“Really? I could make better firearms in my sleep. Even if I was just going to examine it for amusement I doubt I’d get any enjoyment from it.”
“Okay well how about that?” Dib said, this time pointing to a box for a cat leash with a picture of little girl towing a cat along. “It would help you keep an eye on Mimi.”
Mimi hissed and scratched at Dib’s leg at the suggestion, which prompt a small laugh from Tak, afterwards she said playfully,
“Oh, I don’t know Mimi, Dib’s got a point. You’ve been awfully rambunctious lately.”
Which earned a low growl from Mimi in response.
“So I’ll get that for you?” Dib said hopefully.
“If you want to sure, but honestly I’ll never use it.”
This was becoming a difficult decision for Dib. He didn’t want to get a gift for Tak, just for the sake of it. If he was going to get her something it would have to be something she’d actually want or at least used everyone once in a while. He’d might as well just get her a stuffed toy at that rate. When that idea flashed into his head, he thought that could work, so long as he got her something novel enough that she’d want to keep. He looked briefly at the lineup of stuffed toys on the shelf when he saw one he thought she’d enjoy.
“How about a stuffed toy?”
“Really Dib? I know it’s human tradition for the male to purchase a stuffed creature for his mate and it matches your theme of a ‘normal’ date, but that would be the absolute last thing I’d want from here.”
“Really cause I was thinking of getting you that one.” Dib said pointing to a stuffed toy in the shape of a flying saucer, complete with the traditional green alien sewed onto the glass dome. “Is does kind of match you.” He said teasingly.
“Honestly Dib that’s…” Tak sounded like she was going to berate him at first but after she saw the toy she grew a curious expression on her face. “…actually, I never noticed it before. But that ship design does look frighteningly similar to the style Žertians typically use, and the pilot doesn’t look too different from one of them.”
“Really?” Dib said with fascination before he took out a note book from his pocket and started writing down.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting the name down, so next time I see one of those on the radar I can call them by it.”
“I would be cautious before you do that, the Žertians are a pretty unpredictable species in how they act. They’ve taken to interstellar nomadism since the Empire conquered their home planet, and they’ve been known to abduct other species for all kinds of purposes.”
“Really? Well that would explain a few things if it’s not just a coincidence.”
“Hey are you two going to buy something or what?” The clerk said annoyed from behind the counter, still engrossed in his phone.
“We’re busy deciding.” Tak replied angrily.
“Well could you hurry it up?”
“We’re not preventing you from playing on your primitive little phone by being here.”
“Uh… are you sure about that?” The clerk raised his phone up to them so they could see it as he spoke but neither of them could see what he was doing on it.
Tak let out an annoyed grunt, but before she could say or do anything else Dib yelled to the clerk, “We won’t be much longer.” And then turned to Tak to say, “Do you want the spaceship?”
“No, but for the sake of getting us out of here I’ll choose one of the stuffed monsters.”
“You really want one?”
“Not really, but if I’m going to get anything here it better be something I could see myself actually wanting, even if it’s just to throw out later.”
Tak stepped away from Dib and went up to the clerk and said,
“Service drone-”
“I have a name you know?” The clerk replied.
“It’s not important.”
“It’s Karl.”
“Carl…” Tak said, bringing her hand to her eyes to squint in exasperation.
“Karl with a K.”
“The spelling of your name has no determinable affect to how I pronounce it. But, Carl with a K, I’m in need of an ugly stuffed toy to complete my date with my boyfriend. So show me the best stuffed monsters you have.”
“Uh, can’t you see them for yourself?”
“I don’t know what their significance is, so I need you to dictate them to me so I can select the superior one.”
“You’ve never been to zoo, or looked at these animals in a book before?”
“I probably have, but I couldn’t have been bothered to remember them.” Tak said crossing her arms with an air of indifference.
Dib walked up to the counter and said with only a small sense of concern in his voice, “That won’t be needed Tak, I can just tell you about them myself. What about that one there?” He pointed to a small stuffed black cat on the wall, which earned him another hiss from Mimi.
“Exactly, I have already have Mimi for that. Honestly Dib that one’s  a worse suggestion than the spaceship.”
“Well how about that one? It’s a lion, they’re hunters on the top of the food chain where they live.”
“Better, but too similar to Mimi.”
“The gray one next to it with tusks and a long nose? They’re called elephants and they’ve been known for their intelligence.”
“How intelligent? Do you have a written language or use weapons?”
“I’ve heard they use sticks and shit as tools, and might have some sort of language they use.” Karl said without looking up from his phone.
“I thought you said you were too busy to educate me on the stuffing’s?”
“I can still commentate.”
“Forget him.” Dib said, “How about that one, a honey badger right?”
“Honey badgers are the best. They just don’t give a fuck.” Karl said.
“Their nihilism doesn’t impress me. Next.”
The three of them went on like this until they exhausted all the stuffed animals they could afford, and Dib was ready to give up when Tak pointed out a small one they missed.
“How about that one?” She said pointing to a small rodent like animal, it was so small but it costed 27,500 tickets.
“The uh…muskrat?” Dib said, bemused both at her interest in it and at its price.
“Hey man that one’s a mongoose, they’re like super tough and fight rattle snakes and shit.”
“They fight cobras.” Dib said, who had become more irritated with Karl than Tak had.
“And these cobras?” Tak started intrigued. “They’re some genus of snakes, correct?”
“Yeah, they’re big, venomous, and prey on humans and other animals all the time. But they’re mongooses prey and they kill them easily.”
Tak pondered on what Dib told her for a moment, after which she said, “That one will do.”
“We’ll take the it then.” Dib said not missing a beat.
After he said that Karl finally got off his phone and grumbled something about ‘choosing one he had to get a ladder for’ and went into the back room presumably for said ladder.
“So why the mongoose?” Dib asked her once he was out of sight.
“I actually find it very similar to an Invader: small and unassuming, but a powerhouse within!” Tak said  bringing her hand up into a fist for emphasis, “Plus I do like its aesthetic if I’m being honest.”
Karl came back out, pulled the stuffed toy off the shelf, and ask them for the tickets for it. Dib provided the receipt to him and Karl was handing it to him when Tak came over and snatched it out of his hands.
“Uh? That still leaves you with 500, if you guys want anything else.” Karl said perplexed by Tak’s actions.
“I think we’re good but thanks.” Dib started but was interrupted before he finished by Mimi pawing at his legs. She then pointed to a small shelf on the counter with Gummy Bears candy.
“Gummy Bears?” Dib said in disbelief turning to Tak. He saw her intently fondling her new toy, and was distracted by his sudden question.
“Huh? Oh right. Mimi’s taken a liking to them. Get them for her if you don’t mind.” She said barely taking her attention from the toy.
Dib purchased them and presented the opened bag to her but Mimi let out a disgusted meow after he did.
“Oh right. She doesn’t care for the green ones.”
“Why doesn’t she like the green ones?”
“I don’t know why she likes anything. Just take out the green ones so I don’t have to hear her on the way back.”
Dib complied with the request sorting out the green ones in his hands, and was surprised to see Mimi eat directly out of his once the green ones were gone. He felt Mimi’s course tongue brush and tickle against his hands, and was surprised by how much detail Tak put into their disguises. Mimi purred with satisfaction upon finishing and even let Dib pet her. After they were done she went over to Tak, brushed against her legs, and purred again.
“Great. Are we done here?” Said Tak without looking up from her toy.
Dib said that they were, and after throwing the wrapper along with the green Gummy Bears into the garbage (and missing) the three of them left the arcade and began their walk back home. Their walk back was very uneventful, it mostly consisted of them talking about anything besides what happened that night. They talked about recent happenings at High Skool, Zim’s most recent hijinks which Dib had to bail him out of, that fact that Miss Bitters had died recently (which Dib still couldn’t get over), and that Gaz had entered into a video game tournament. They were almost to Tak’s home, but while they were talking Dib couldn’t help but feel like he was the one carrying the conversation. Tak had only supplied the odd comment here and there and was still very much fascinated by her stuffed toy she got. Dib was actually happy she was enjoying it so much, but he also thought is was uncharacteristic of her and was worried. So trying to ail his worry he said to her:
“You’re really into that mongoose I got you.”
“Huh? Yeah it’s strange actually.” She started saying, “Normally I’m very indifferent to any Earth toy, but this one specifically has captured my fascination. It’s like, I don’t know, like I have this gravitation towards this thing and I can’t help but fondle it.” Tak said while playing with it as she had done the entire walk home.
Dib guessed she was experiencing a new feeling and was relieved when he figured it out. “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘adorable’. As in you find the toy adorable.”
“What?” Tak said looking away from the toy, somewhat concerned.
“That feeling you’re describing for the toy. You can’t pull yourself away from it and all you want to do is ruffle it a bunch. That’s you finding it adorable.”
“Adorable…” She said the word to herself  while looking at the toy and then her eyes beamed. “Yes! Yes that’s it that’s exactly it. I find this toy adorable. Oh my tallest it’s so adorable!” and then she giggled as she brought the toy to her face, playing with it the whole time.
If Dib wasn’t surprised already, he was now. He couldn’t remembered ever seeing her so giddy over anything the whole time he’d known her, but he wasn’t the only one to notice. Mimi went up to her and started mewing and rubbing up against her try to get her attention, but all Tak did was shoo her away. Disgruntled Mimi then went to Dib and started doing the exact same thing to him. He was very confused and asked what Mimi was up to, but before he could finish Mimi jumped right at him and into his arms. Dib brought his arms up instinctively and wound up carrying her, after which she began purring and caressing him profusely. He was thoroughly confused again, but pleasantly surprised as she rarely let anyone but Tak carry or pet her.
“Why are you so friendly all of a sudden, was it the Gummy Bears?” He said playfully to her, but all she did was purr louder to him in response. “Oh I get it. Somebody’s jealous, you poor kitty.” He said this and then brought Mimi down from his face and cradled her in his arms to pet her. While he was doing so Mimi was looking at Tak the whole time, who by now was glaring at Mimi with daggers. She stopped playing with her toy then and walked up to the two of them, Mimi was overjoyed at her coming over, but it was not for the reason she thought it was.
“Mimi here, hold this for me.” Tak said as she pushed the stuffed mongoose into her, and grabbing Dib by the collar of his coat pulled him in for a kiss. Tak always felt bold whenever she kissed him. She wasn’t sure if it was because he was a human, or if was because she was an Irken and Irkens weren’t supposed to kiss. At any rate she wasn’t focused on why she felt that way, and was preoccupied with exploring her dumb human’s mouth. While normally the planet’s filth irritated her she was thankful Dib’s bodily fluids never did, he body must naturally filter it out, she could still feel something when they exchanged saliva, but only a slight tingle. His teeth always interested her whenever she got the chance to examine them. They weren’t like hers, which where hard cartilage, but instead bone with slicers in the front and round mashers in the back. His tongue interested her the most, while hers was long, firm, and cord like, his was flat, soft, and so very warm. She felt like she could wrap her whole tongue around his. She imagined her tongue as a cobra and his tongue as a mongoose, and that thought sent shivers over her body. After a moment they separated from each other and caught their breathe, immediately after which Tak said,
“Who’s jealous?” To which Dib replied,
“I don’t know I can’t remember.”
Mimi replied with a low growl to both of them, and then Tak gave into her.
“Fine.” She drawled out, “Come here, and hold my mongoose for me Dib.”
Tak took Mimi in her arms while Dib held onto her toy. She cradle Mimi while petting and rubbing at her, and Mimi responded with satisfied purrs.
“Oh Mimi. And you say I’m going native. Just as well though, I don’t think the two of us will be leaving this planet anytime soon.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” Dib responded slightly miffed.
“It won’t be, with the right company anyway.”
The three of them had reached the gates of Tak’s home as they talked.
“Guess this is goodbye for the night, I hope you had a good time.” Dib said.
“I didn’t really, but it was bearable.”
“Well I hope I’m bearable to you.”
“You are, most of the time.” She teased him as she went for another kiss.
She turned away from him after they finished, and she went into her estate as the gates opened for her. Dib stood by and watched her as she made her way into her home. When she was out of sight he began his walk home. He was going over the night as he did, he thought it went well for the most part, and wasn’t completely ready to rule out the arcade for another one of their date nights. A few days later though, it would be him, Tak, Zim, and Gaz at his house playing video games. So he hoped Tak wasn’t completely tuckered out of them, but that was for another day.
* * *
This fan-fiction was largely inspired by this artwork. Made by ZimGalForevah on Deviantart.
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stevenuniversallyreviews ¡ 5 years ago
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Episode 122: Tiger Philanthropist
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“It’s like the sequel no one asked for.”
Adventure Time is technically a serial, but rather than one continuous story it’s a hodgepodge of multiple meandering plots that get checked up on at random over the course of its 283-episode run. For instance, minor character Maja the Sky Witch was introduced in Episode 133 (Sky Witch), yelling at the end that she’s planning “something big,” and we got that follow-up a full year later in Episode 166 (Something Big; let it not be said that these episodes aren’t named well). Virtually no mention of Maja was made between these episodes, but Something Big served as a direct sequel, beginning in the middle of a huge battle as if we knew it was coming, and we just went with it. That, for better and worse, is the spirit of Adventure Time's long-term structure. Episodes can be about any character in its vast world, and we jump around so much that it feels like anything could happen.
Steven Universe takes a different approach, aided by a singular focus on Steven's point of view. It also has distant sequel episodes, but it’s easier to keep track of these connected stories because of a more unified through-line. I mentioned in The New Crystal Gems that I’d like to see more character interactions that are restricted by this focus (give us an episode about Peridot making avant-garde metal-powered multi-instrumental music with Sour Cream, you cowards), but it’s still generally a positive from a plotting standpoint to keep things Steven-centric. 
For the most part, I’m a huge fan of distant sequel episodes in both Adventure Time and Steven Universe despite them being such different beasts. But while the random “hey remember this storyline?” in media res variant works well in a zany show that bounces from plot to plot, Tiger Philanthropist is proof that this type of sequel doesn’t work quite as well on a show with a more traditional structure.
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The premise of Tiger Philanthropist hinges on the idea that Steven and Amethyst have been wrestling this whole time. But, as we might see in an Adventure Time sequel episode, we’ve gotten zero references to this subplot between the first and second episode of the story. We never see Steven and Amethyst coming back from a gig. We never hear them talking about it in passing. We never see the tiger mask lying around to indicate recent use. The Brothers Construction and Good-Looking Gang even feel like Adventure Time one-off characters, as they’re for some reason never seen outside of a wrestling context despite Steven Universe otherwise doing pretty well at building a sense of reliable locals and background characters.
Bear in mind that we just had a whole arc about Amethyst’s inferiority complex in terms of physical ability, and at no point did the coping mechanism that she’s apparently been using this whole time come up. The thrust of Tiger Philanthropist is that she’s moved on from the need to use wrestling as an outlet for her issues, but when we haven’t even thought about Tiger Millionaire outside of a few Purple Puma cameos and maybe a poster or two early in our first season, it strains credibility to be told that she still was using wrestling as an outlet for her issues. I’m too focused on the hamfisted retconning to get invested in this story. It’s as if we got an episode about Garnet deciding to stop going to the arcade and Steven is bummed because oh by the way we forgot to mention it but she and Steven have been playing co-op Meat Beat Mania every Thursday since Arcade Mania and it’s a major part of their relationship.
Steven Universe is at its weakest when the crew seemingly forgets key plot points: episodes like House Guest forget a character’s established personality, episodes like Sadie’s Song forget Steven’s development from bratty to empathetic, and both Malachite and Bismuth go unmentioned for huge swaths of the show during times when they would’ve been relevant to discuss or feature. Underground wrestling might be less pivotal than the long-term bubbling of an old friend, it’s just as frustrating for the thread to be completely ignored until it becomes relevant again. Because it’s not like the show always does this: look at Connie’s training, which has focus episodes here and there but is also background noise in other episodes to let it feel like a consistent part of her life. Mindful Education would’ve been a disaster if Connie started training in Sworn to the Sword and then we didn’t mention it at all until she accidentally tossed a classmate.
And really, imagine if at least one of the episodes in Amethyst’s big Act II arc was in the ring. We easily could’ve had Tiger Millionaire accidentally eclipsing Purple Puma as a catalyst for her self-doubt (among many other possibilities that this crew could conceive better than I) and it would’ve made Tiger Philanthropist feel so much better. But I can’t write about that, because that’s not what happened.
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What sucks is that I love Tiger Millionaire and am all for more wrestling. Despite my snotty header quote choice about unwanted sequels, I was super excited for Tiger Philanthropist, and that glorious music brought me right back into the zone as the episode began. But the wind went right out of my sails when it became clear that we’re to believe Tiger Millionaire and Purple Puma are fixtures of the wrestling scene, and that it’s an activity that’s super important to Steven as a way of bonding with Amethyst.
And there are plot elements here that, in an episode with better context, would get a chance to shine. In a world where we knew Amethyst and Steven were wrestling for around two years, this would’ve been a pretty emotional conclusion to a relationship that began in the show’s early days (not that Steven and Amethyst would stop hanging out, but it’s always bittersweet when an important phase of your life is over). It would’ve served as a great acknowledgment of how Amethyst has moved on with her life if we saw the part of her life she was moving on from. We could’ve felt Steven’s sense of loss, and the surge of relief when Purple Puma returns for one last ride. If you transported this exact episode into a series that built up to it in any way, it would be a classic. But we aren’t watching that series.
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It’s a little fun that I’m unsatisfied with a follow-up where an entertainer reacts to a fan being unsatisfied with a follow-up. Much like Season 2′s Mombo Combo, two thematically linked episodes about moms separating the Week of Sardonyx from Peridemption, we get two episodes in a row about fan interaction to buffer Steven’s long day in space from the continuation of his mother issues culminating in another trip to space. Unfortunately I can’t think of as good a name for Rocknaldo and Tiger Philanthropist as a unit as “Mombo Combo” (the Fandom Menace?) but nobody’s perfect.
Lars plays a fascinating role here, because the easy option would be making him an entitled fan a la Ronaldo who wants things to go just the way he likes. And to be clear, Lars does want things to go a certain way. But he’s not dictating the terms or saying he needs Tiger Millionaire to act exactly how he wants, he’s just frustrated by a new development that seems out of step with his favorite wrestler. Even when asked directly about what he'd like to happen, Lars doesn’t know, because he hasn’t confused his fandom with the notion that he gets to dictate the specifics about the thing he likes.
(I try to be the same way, but I also definitely wrote a spiel about how Tiger Millionaire and Purple Puma should’ve been present during Amethyst’s latest arc like five paragraphs ago. Again, nobody’s perfect.)
It helps that Lars doesn’t understand that Steven is Tiger Millionaire (a repeat gag that I’d probably find funnier if I felt more charitable about the episode), so he’s unaware that he’s speaking with the creator of the content he enjoys; perhaps he’d be singing a different tune if he knew the truth. But as it is, we get a surprisingly generous interpretation of a demanding fan, allowing us to see the ethos behind Lars’s disappointment instead of writing him off as an entitled fanboy with impossible expectations. The timing of Tiger Philanthropist fits perfectly with Lars’s imminent moment in the sun, as he’s still prickly but has enough layers by now that I don’t roll my eyes too hard when he up and calls himself complex.
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I don’t talk about the visuals of this show as much as I should, considering how creative the settings and weird alien vehicles and structures can get. But it bears mentioning that, aside from some weird conspicuous computer graphics for falling money, Tiger Philanthropist looks great. The stylized snapshots provide moments of goofy flair to the mix, and the heightened drama of the ring leads to some excellent lighting that shadows Steven’s face as a hooded stranger and makes Purple Puma look like an honest-to-goodness superhero. We get fun choreography and costumes befitting a wrestling episode, and some premium character expressions throughout.
And it’s funny! Colton Dunn remains a worthy successor to Sinbad, giving us not one but two great gags of Mr. Smiley joyfully defining a word to the audience (both in the ring and at home); explaining “philanthropist” is funny enough on its own for how cheesy it is, but I’m really tickled that he gives the same weight to “sea wasp.” Really, this episode has so much going for it if the central idea wasn’t such a misfire.
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As you may have guessed by this review, I obviously think it’s valid to criticize aspects of art that you don’t like. So in theory, it sounds awesome to have artists respond to such criticism to make a product that you as a fan enjoy more. But we now live in an age where absolute garbage like CinemaSins allows people to pretend that productive criticism is just nitpicks, an inability or refusal to understand basic nuance, and frankly bigoted ideas about what certain people are capable of doing (if you have half an hour to spare, Everything Wrong About Everything Wrong About Civil War delightfully gets into all three!). It’s a double-edged sword, because creators listening to fans perhaps isn’t inherently bad, but a desperation to fill in “plot holes” at the expense of good storytelling is detrimental to modern storytelling (if you have another half an hour to spare, watch Lindsay Ellis’s take on Beauty and the Beast for more on this; this is a review with homework!). And this is on top of the potential of harassment covered in Rocknaldo, which not even the lousiest content creator deserves.
Tiger Philanthropist isn’t about bad faith criticism, as Lars’s views are from a sincere place, but its message of not treating fans like bosses is a valid response to fandoms who want more and more influence over the direction of an artist’s work. Which could’ve veered towards self-importance or hackneyed nods to the camera, so I appreciate that I never feel pulled out of this element of the story. We never shift from a regular episode of the show to a screed from the animators, and again, Lars isn’t villainized for not enjoying Tiger Millionaire’s face turn. Combined with Rocknaldo, we can see how important good boundaries between fans and creators can be, both for the well-being of the people involved and the quality of the art being created. Shirt Club gave us a tribute to making art, and the Fandom Menace (it’s growing on me) sees a more experienced team of animators commenting on a specific issue when creating popular art, all while not coming across as bitter or self-congratulatory. If only they’d done it in an episode with more buildup! 
Obviously the creation of a big letdown wasn’t the intent of the crew, despite how neat it’d be to demonstrate fan disappointment through a purposefully disappointing episode. Rarely do I feel like effort isn’t made to produce a good episode of Steven Universe, and as seen in its strengths, Tiger Philanthropist isn’t lazy. Which makes it a little more frustrating than if they phoned it in, because we’ve got jokes and visuals and a great message but none of it matters when the conflict they wrote requires a backstory they didn’t have. If you’re gonna make an episode about the end of a continuity, it’s critical for literally any amount of that continuity to be established beyond one wayward story over a hundred episodes ago. As it is, I couldn’t wait for this episode to retire.
We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!
Tiger Philanthropist was a huge disappointment, but I wouldn’t consider it bad enough to go on my No Thanks! list. With a different leadup of episodes it would be great, or at least fine; it just suffers from a plot that comes out of nowhere. Context can’t salvage my bottom list, which are episodes I just don’t like period. Still, if I was doing more thorough ranking, it’s probably in my bottom ten.
Top Twenty
Steven and the Stevens
Hit the Diamond
Mirror Gem
Lion 3: Straight to Video
Alone Together
Last One Out of Beach City
The Return
Jailbreak
The Answer
Mindful Education
Sworn to the Sword
Rose’s Scabbard
Earthlings
Mr. Greg
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Beach City Drift
Winter Forecast
Bismuth
Steven’s Dream
Love ‘em
Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2: The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss
Ocean Gem
Space Race
Garnet’s Universe
Warp Tour
The Test
Future Vision
On the Run
Maximum Capacity
Marble Madness
Political Power
Full Disclosure
Joy Ride
Keeping It Together
We Need to Talk
Chille Tid
Cry for Help
Keystone Motel
Catch and Release
When It Rains
Back to the Barn
Steven’s Birthday
It Could’ve Been Great
Message Received
Log Date 7 15 2
Same Old World
The New Lars
Monster Reunion
Alone at Sea
Crack the Whip
Beta
Back to the Moon
Kindergarten Kid
Buddy’s Book
Gem Harvest
Three Gems and a Baby
That Will Be All
The New Crystal Gems
Storm in the Room
Like ‘em
Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies
Keep Beach City Weird
Watermelon Steven
The Message
Open Book
Story for Steven
Shirt Club
Love Letters
Reformed
Rising Tides, Crashing Tides
Onion Friend
Historical Friction
Friend Ship
Nightmare Hospital
Too Far
Barn Mates
Steven Floats
Drop Beat Dad
Too Short to Ride
Restaurant Wars
Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service
Greg the Babysitter
Gem Hunt
Steven vs. Amethyst
Bubbled
Adventures in Light Distortion
Gem Heist
The Zoo
Rocknaldo
Enh
Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim
Secret Team
Say Uncle
Super Watermelon Island
Gem Drill
Know Your Fusion
Future Boy Zoltron
Tiger Philanthropist
No Thanks!
     6. Horror Club      5. Fusion Cuisine      4. House Guest      3. Onion Gang      2. Sadie’s Song      1. Island Adventure
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borderlandscast ¡ 5 years ago
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some loose thoughts about the blackrock
working through the epilogue, one scene at a time! have some thoughts about the blackrock since the ship is very much the heart and soul of rythian’s motley crew of vault hunters.
nanosounds hired a professional, industrial grade cleaning crew to go through the entire frigate before launch day and had to ship them out to pandora, which was no minor expense but sipsco. paid for it, and the decision earned both ire and gratitude from daltos’ bandit gang; daltos’ feelings on the issue are firmly ‘f*cking finally.’
the frigate is over fifty years old, and bebopvox is still very fond it since it served as home, prison and body, which is something they’ll never be able to explain to a human. when vox was born, bebopvox gave vox the ability to choose when to retire if they get tired of being attached to the frigate. what happens after depends on what bebopvox’s backup plan is.
dahl ships are built to last; some wreckages of dahl ships serve as landmarks, monuments or historical attractions (a few being run inside of one). on pandora and its moon, ship wreckages are prime stronghold territory. all end up being eventually torn apart for parts and scrap, which is what would have happened eventually to the blackrock if its stranded crew had abandoned it.
the blackrock is not the biggest military frigate; there are both larger and smaller ships that dahl manufactured, and the blackrock is a middle tier ship.
it’s equipped with turrets, missiles and front mounted lasers. missiles are launched from top and sides. what type that are digistructed and supplied is up to the captains and the a.i. the blackrock’s firepower isn’t a joke in spite of its age; it’s been used for dogfights, evacuations, bombing, orbital strikes, hit and runs and ambushes before.
cargo bays serve as a giant airlock, emergency accomodation, vehicle storage and troop bay. the blackrock has at least six, all on ground level. each cargo bay is equipped with an atmospheric shield (the thin, transparent layers holding all the air in) that can be easily breached by any party; opening the deployment cargo bay doors is generally a big risk during battles since anything can breach the shield. hence, cargo bay requires heavy defence or patrols at all times.
airlocks exist on both ends of the frigate, on every floor. the most airlocks are located on ground level (thanks to the cargo bays) and beneath the frigate roof. repair crews can leave any airlock; vox can provide guidance, and there’s no shortage of crevices and corners to serve as handholds.
there’s a lot of hidden spaces, some only accessible via vents, panels, secret walls or doors. daltos and arsenal possess the only maps about said spaces ever since they decided to empty out the frigate for cleaning day. daltos was not happy when he found out how much of the frigate’s insides were vandalized so that bandits could hide their stuff from him/other bandits/arsenal/kraggons. he ending up keeping said spaces anyway.
there’s a big absence of windows on the frigate. there are some, but the majority is based on the bridge. a couple exist in certain captain’s rooms with another few in the cargo bays.
to stop people from going nuts from lack of windows and the long hours spent in space, there’s a dedicated ‘grass room’, a room which has holographic capabilities, supplemented by a floor with real grass grown on top of it. it can be used to travel to faraway places, tours, shopping or just to chat. the room’s multipurpose functions were exceedingly popular back in the day, and requires bookings in advance; vox now monitors usage and bookings. honeydew lovingly tends to the grass in his spare time, and seeks to add more garden features.
the exterior hull plating is supposed to be a dark olive green but the colour was burnt away by pandora’s sunrays, bullets, missiles, weather and time. the blackrock is overdue for a hull overhaul, and arsenal has a neat collection of sample paint cards he handily acquired thanks to arden and dick’s bottomless stomaches. he’s has three albums worth, and keeps trying to invite his fellow captains to pick a colour. he has his heart set on a nice, relaxing shade of eyesearing, fire engine red.
there also used to be vending machines for weapons, medicines and ammunition but they’ve since been damaged, exploded, vandalized or stolen. they’ve been replaced prior to launch day.
the quick change station is glitchy and hasn’t been the same since the big crash on pandora; it makes hair sprout in the blink of an eye, often in the incorrect length and shade, or painting unwanted tattoos or marks on bodies, that sort of thing. it’s been fixed, and has moved to the medical bay for obvious reasons.
troop quarters are based primarily on the lower and ground floors. troop quarters come in single and shared rooms. the rooms closest to the bathrooms or amenities used to spark scuffles beween bandits.
rooms dedicated to amenities include: laundry, gym, refectory/cafeteria, recreation (for briefings or movies, bar (opens to previous room), pool, library, prayer, shooting gallery, weapons storage.
engines are twin engines, located at the back and base of the ship; engine room is a double airlocked space on ground floor with ramps going upward within it. the positioning of it is a little weird to accomodate ladders that allow crew to directlhy climb into the engines and explore its insides. this makes repairs a cinch but if anything happens, it’s harder to contain, hence the double airlock.
power is located in a separate area, in case of engine failure. if engines fail, then power can still be used for communications or whatever. also includes backup generators.
cargo bays also capable of storing blueprints for digistructing vehicles and other objects. digistruct pads and bays are located in every cargo bay and has since been fixed by vox; it was disabled after the crash to discourage thieves, tomfoolery, backstabbing and sabotaging.
vox is kept in the a.i. core room, which is located on the bridge past the war room. nobody is allowed inside except for certain crew members. whoever vox lets in is up to them, and visits are logged. hidden turrets keep watch for threats. a secret surveyor and miniature loader are maintained to serve as ‘bodies’ for vox, if vox ever has to eject or feels like stretching their legs.
vacuum doors can be deployed on every floor at certain lengths in the case of hull breach. vox is in charge of them, but manually deploying the doors (closing and opening) is also possible but take some effort due to the secure mechanisms and weight of the doors.
contrary to appearance, the frigate can move in any direction; the engines are linked to smaller engines that run along the length, top and underside of frigate for omnidirectional flight. they’re just very discrete.
the bridge has two floors. ramps, stairs, hidden ladders, jump pads and grav lifts serve as methods to navigate between the two.
the bridge is the central hub of the frigate, and crucial for all operations, and there’s only so much vox can do once the bridge is lost, so it’s staffed and patrolled at all times, even when it’s technically the dead of the night. a skeleton bridge crew keeps tabs, who changes shifts and numbers accordingly.
the blackrock’s captains share all the workload, and all are only summoned to the bridge in emergencies. otherwise, they work in rotating and overlapping shifts mutually agreed upon in advance. it’s rare for two captains to share a double shift (the joke being that it’s a dating thing, in dahl military since most captains can’t stand each other let alone share or work the same shift).
vox does all the steering and since they don’t suffer from the command restraints of a military a.i., they can provide feedback for the captains (such as best route, speed, flight path, obstacles). daltos, zylus and arsenal trust vox’s judgement; most of the time, the four collectively plan each stop and journey.
manual steering is possible but only in exceptional circumstances (as some people would know).
vox gently reminds people to carry oz kits around at all times, in case of hull breaches. there are oz kit dispensers on every floor, next to the airlocks. vox will not stop pushing reminders until an oz kit is obtained due to safety concerns. bebopvox was the same.
long ago, someone started an actual farm in the grass room so there’s thriving plots of herbs, fruits and vegetables available in tiny terrariums and greenhouses. daltos kept it running. bandits fight amongst each other for the right to maintain and harvest it. at the moment, honeydew is the current curator but has his pick of gardeners. he holds some authority over bandits because of it.
there’s also a virtual reality function available, in the recreation room and the grass room, for some bizarre reason. the headsets and gloves supports games (like digart *coughminecraftcough*), school, courses, entertainment (anything especially graphic and high risk has to pass hr and vox’s approval), you name it, it can probably do or run it.
ameneties like laundry, bathrooms and kitchens, mess hall are in different locations to avoid bottlenecking during bouts of high traffic and activity. it also stops people from forming rackets and cutting off others who need to use it. it also makes who gets what chores easier.
it’s a ‘refectory’ because that’s what it says in the manual but everyone calls it ‘food place’, ‘cafeteria’, ‘mess hall’, ‘STOMACH STUFFER’, ‘*groans*’, to name a few choice synonyms. the food served there depends on the crew assigned to cook. these days, it’s ravs, nilesy, honeydew, heinkel (ravs’ former lieutenant), minty, or whoever wants to test their recipes. everyone is usually game enough to try something new on the menu. food is free, and there’s always a chef on duty to accomodate the multiple shifts, even in the middle of the night.
bridge crew consists of ex bandits from daltos’ old gang. the majority are from the buzzard boys and are already familiar with how daltos and arsenal operate; they’re a bit intimidated of zylus, given his previous history.
frigate crew are separate to that of the bridge crew since they’re responsible for day to day operations, from basic repairs, cargo movement, patrols, cleaning, housekeeping, and kitchen duties. the majority is parvis’ gang with a few members from daltos’ old gang.
the rivalry between the bridge and frigate crew is a natural occurrence, given that both crews are from once warring gangs but it’s more of a friendly competition than anything, since bandits need a source of friction that won’t turn destructive due to boredom. arsenal and sparkles head each respective crew, and egg the rivalry on as much as possible.
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flydotnet ¡ 6 years ago
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Hidden Guardians of Humanity
VRAINS Rarepair Weeks 2018 - Day 7: Other YGO series crossover/Other Fandom AU
Summary: Six teenagers regularly save the world from the misanthropic virus-like AI XANA on a virtual world. This is their story through one of these missions against humanity's greatest danger yet. 
Fandoms: Yu-Gi-Oh! VRAINS/Code Lyoko Ships: Hireshipping (Ema/Akira), Entrustshipping (Takeru/Kiku), Zinniashipping (Miyu/Aoi)
Wordcount: 3.8K words
Notes: "On ira, on saura, sauver notre existence, Se donner une chance de tout dĂŠpasser. On ira, on saura, sauver notre existence, Afin de faire, Un monde sans danger !"
I was stumbled at first with what to do for today. All the crossover ideas I had weren't very good... until I thought about Code Lyoko and how it was a perfect fit with VRAINS. A virtual world? Check. Keeping stuff secret from other people? Check. A recurring theme of AIs? Check. I rediscovered CL this year by watching the episodes now all up on YT (I think that's only for the original French dub, though). It's been a big part of my childhood and I surprised myself to like it even more as an adult. It was pretty messed up if you think about it: a bunch of teenagers ranging from 13 to 15 saving the world in secret on a daily basis while risking their lives to do so? That's dark for a kid's show dude. The series wasn't hiding it anyway: I can't count the exact number of ways XANA (a big bad virus-like AI) tried to kill the protagonists in. Anyway.
I changed a few settings. Kadic is supposed to be a middle school (collège), but since it's supposed to be a high school too (funny enough, the school it's based on, the LycÊe Lakanal, is where I set a part of my original work), well why not. It fitted much better with the VRAINS cast too. I also took some liberties with the original 2003 run of the show to provide more modern technology like smartphones.
This story is, in short, a love letter to Code Lyoko and to my VRAINS OTPs. I may have forgotten to put the romance into that fic though.
PS. The quote in the beginning is the chorus to the Code Lyoko opening, "Un Monde Sans Danger" (A World Without Dangers). That song has been burnt into my soul ever since I was a kid. 
Event hosted by @vrainsrarepairweeks
AO3 version available here.
It was yet another day of class at Kadic High School, Boulogne-Billancourt, Hauts-de-Seine. Nothing out of the ordinary, for once: boring Physics lessons, typical teenage drama, rumours going through the school about teachers and students alike. In that, it made no difference to any other day before it and any other day that would come after it. However, the routine was only a façade in this school near Paris.
Very few knew about the shortcut in the heater room of the dormitory or the one in the school’s park leading the abandoned factory nearby, resting in an island in the Seine. Most people would have just assumed that place was, well, abandoned and empty. The fact was that: that was wrong. That fact was proven untrue by the presence of a bunch of teenagers going there to save the world on a daily basis.
 However, today was a tranquil day in class of rumours and drama. There was always Naoki Shima spreading some kind of rumour on his idol, an e-sport player named Playmaker, which was mostly talked about by fangirls of him around the campus. Meanwhile, a little group of six students was gathering in their usual spot: near the coffee machine, on a bench, waiting for bell never to ring the beginning of classes.
They had formed this little group of friends of theirs in unlikely circumstances. It all started when Ema, from the twelfth-grade class majoring in computer sciences, discovered a way to access the abandoned factory in the river easily after a boring day of school. She apparently had to drag with her Akira, her classmate and a friend since middle school, there. Afterwards, they accidentally dragged with them Aoi, Akira’s younger sister in tenth grade, when she followed them to the factory on one day and stuck with them ever since. With Aoi came her own classmates Takeru and Kiku, who followed suit after they themselves found out about the factory by being friendly to the otherwise isolated Aoi.
 “Hey, guys,” Takeru opened the conversation as he looked at the other students in the courtyard. “It’s been a while since XANA last attacked… You think he’s going to come back soon?”
“I hope not,” Kiku replied with the most honesty in the world. “He almost killed sent everyone to space last time… We were lucky you were competing in the martial arts tournament that time, Takeru!”
“XANA will always come back until the Supercomputer isn’t turned off, I’m afraid,” Akira stated as he came back with two cups of coffee in his hands.
“Then that means you need to find the program to materialize Miyu soon!” Ema enthusiastically added as she thanked Akira for the cup of coffee. “It’s on me next time.”
“I’m doing what I can, but it’s going to take longer than expected. Last night was a fluke again,” he sighed as he rubbed his eyes with the hand not busy holding a cup. The yawn would be for another day.
“It’s fine, big brother,” Aoi simply said as she looked at him with a tiny smile. “You’re already doing your best, and Miyu has told us that before.”
“Your sister is right, Akira, don’t overexert yourself for that! I don’t want to recover your unconscious body on the floor of your room again and almost get scolded by Jim again for sneaking into the boys’ dorm for that!”
Takeru and Kiku simply giggled at the anecdote despite how many times Ema had already told them about it.
During Maths class, as usual, Ema was on her phone during yet another boring lecture from the teacher. There had to be someone watching over Lyoko when nobody could be at the factory in case an activated tower, XANA’s gateway to their world and all the potential damage that would always bring with it, showed up in the virtual world. That was a nice way to spend time: instead of sitting through a painfully tedious session of mathematics, she could just chat with Miyu and whoever else was online. It was funnier to be there and occasionally see Akira stare at her to be serious during a class for once.
He only didn’t ask her to stop on the spot because she otherwise could refuse to lend him their philosophy lessons whenever he’d simply stop understanding most of it. The confusing words and concepts didn’t work very well with his arithmetic brain. It was a fine compromise, though.
 Right when she was about to point out something funny Aoi had said in the chatroom with Miyu, she heard a strange buzzing sound. The neon over their hands started flickering ever so slightly, before the infection spread to the entire ceiling of the classroom.
“You know what this means?” she asked Akira in a whisper.
“A XANA attack. Did Miyu tell you about an activated tower?”
Her eyes immediately darted to the screen, only for a message to confirm their fears. Akira didn’t add anything more.
“Then what excuse do we throw?” she asked again, eyeing the little app she had on her phone she had freshly finished programming in her spare time (or whatever was left of it these days).
 Before she could ask anything, the bell rang. Their eyes bolted in different directions, checking for two different parameters: hers to the teacher, his to the hour on his phone. The former didn’t have a watch, the second didn’t match the time class ended at. As everyone was packing their things together to change classrooms, another ring resonated through the corridors: the fire alarm.
“Okay, it’s definitely a XANA attack”, Akira stated the obvious. “Warn everyone to meet together at the factory before we can get spotted by teachers or monitors.”
“Roger that.”
  It always took some time to reach the factory and gather everyone. That was why they had this habit of only meeting in the main computer room instead of in front of the factory, giving them more time to fight against whatever XANA had to throw at them on Lyoko. Akira and Ema had arrived first and launched themselves in the elevator to the main rooms before getting joined by Aoi shortly thereafter.
“Takeru and Kiku will be a bit late,” she told them, “I think they had class on a higher floor and had more troubles exiting the school.”
 Moments after, the three had taken their respective spots: Akira at the main computer, Ema and Aoi in the cylindrical scans on the floor under the computer room. He had never been a man of actions and was the only one with a real knowledge of how to use the technical beast that was the Supercomputer. Meanwhile, Ema had always loved the thrill of action: fighting creatures on Lyoko was good way for her to exhort her thirst for a way to break away from the real world, even if it was just for a few minutes. Aoi was calmer, but still followed through when she learnt this could help both her brother and the friend she had found in Miyu.
“Are you ready to get virtualized?” he asked them as they set foot in the room, footsteps resonating on the iron floor.
“Of course!” Ema replied with thrill in her voice.
“I am,” Aoi responded more seriously.
“Then let’s get on with it.”
 Four scanners presented themselves to the two girls. Each climbing in one, the virtualization process didn’t take more than thirty seconds anymore. They were used to it: getting transferred inside a virtual world wasn’t painful, at best it was dizzying the first few times. Soon enough, Aoi and Ema found themselves in a forest-like environment, all changed up to battle attire. It wasn’t just for show: if Aoi had wings, it was because she could use them to fly. Ema, who hadn’t design herself in her subconscious mind to get those, was kind of envious.
“Miyu should be nearby waiting for backup,” Akira’s voice arrived from the sky of Lyoko’s Forest territory. “Be careful to monsters, XANA has been waiting for us.”
“As usual,” Ema sighed, amused. “Let’s do this, Aoi.”
 As they ran to their destination, a tower with a red halo, a girl with long pink hair in pigtails and blue eyes joined them. Aoi’s eyes started to shimmer as soon as they noticed her coming towards them, changing her sprinting direction to directly meet up with their friend. They had a habit of hugging each other as soon as they saw each other too. They had gotten more and more physical when meeting up in Lyoko, to the point of holding each other’s hands nowadays when seeing the others. Ema was certain that, would Miyu know about love like any other girl (despite being a sentient AI that was, frankly, more human than some actual humans she knew), they would already be dating. She remembered overhearing Aoi train herself to declare her love to her friend in her dorm room, after all.
“I’m glad to know you’re alright, Miyu!” Aoi told her as they went back to reaching the tower.
“Thank you for coming so quickly, Aoi, Ema! XANA has sent three Bloks who are guarding the tower, we need to be careful!”
 Turning her eyes away from the two friends, Ema noticed one of the Bloks shooting at them.
“Out of the way!!”
Pushing Aoi and Miyu out of the line of fire from the creature sent to them, she took a direct hit to the shoulder from a laser beam, falling to the ground. Trying to shoot back with her own laser arrows at the creature, she was at least relieved to see Aoi and Miyu had made it behind a tree to find a way to shelter themselves from the incoming attacks.
“Ema!!” Aoi’s scream was accompanied by the mirror of Miyu’s mirror reflecting the hit the older girl was about to take, which would have certainly devirtualized her. The Blok took the hit right in its eye, exploding shortly after.
 The commotion from this encounter passed, the three girls hid behind the very same tree. There were mock Bloks in the area, almost twice as much as they had first expected. As she watched from behind their little hiding spot, Ema could only notice this would be harder than expected with Miyu virtually unable to fight for herself and herself having taken a hit already.
“That was such a close call!” Miyu sighed in relief. “We really need to be more careful…”
She was holding onto Aoi’s hand as she said so, her sceptre in her other hand. Nobody knew where that weapon came from, really, but they had brushed it off as a mere way to self-defend against XANA’s monsters who, as it turned out, mostly used laser beams with long ranges to attempt ending her own life.
“Let’s be more careful until Takeru and Kiku can get here,” Aoi decided, with the two others nodding in agreement.
  “Sorry we’re late…!” Takeru said as he entered the main computer room, breathless.
Akira immediately turned around, his one-ear headphone-microphone still on, a smirk drawing on his face. Backup was finally here.
“Jim tried to prevent us from reaching the factory when we tried to go through the heater room shortcut,” Kiku further explained.
“I see. Ema and Aoi required backup, there’s apparently too many monsters for them to deal with.
She glanced at her childhood friend whose back was against the wall, still not recovering his breath.
“Are you okay, Takeru?” she asked with concern all over her tone, hands on her chest.
“I… I’ll be fine… Let’s get to the scanners quickly, I’m sure Aoi, Ema and Miyu need our help…”
 Even if nobody added anything, Akira turning back to the monitor to make sure this wasn’t a burning failure yet, Kiku remained worried. As the elevator went down another floor, she couldn’t get her eyes off Takeru and how flimsy his breathing was. He had never had a pristine health record, and that despite how good he was at martial arts, which made it so she was always concerned in some degree for his condition.
When the doors opened to reveal the scanner room, she handed her friend her help. He gave her a slight smile, a quiet way to tell her not to worry, as they climbed into their own cylinders to get virtualized. There was no time to lose and no time to get concerned for Takeru when there was a tower to deactivate and XANA going on a rampage to make everyone deaf by the end of the day through abusing ringing systems, ringtones and speakers.
 The two soon enough ended in the Forest territory of Lyoko, with instructions given by Akira to join back the others. Running on their legs, the virtualization keeping them away from whatever feeling of physical fatigue they’d have felt from that, they soon noticed the group of monsters blocking the way and their friends behind a big tree.
“Oh, looks like XANA did already send a party,” Takeru noticed. “Let’s be sneaky and see if we can end them without Miyu being targeted by them.”
“Agreed.”
 “Takeru! Kiku!”
Miyu seemed ecstatic to see them arrive, screaming their names in joy. Only then did she put her hand on her month, remembering XANA’s monsters could hear them. It was easy to make a diversion, but that was it.
“Akira!” Ema yelled to the sky to get their control tower’s attention. “How much enemies are they?”
No response.
“Oh God, that’s bad,” she then spoke to herself. “He must have been knocked away from the main panel.”
“Something happened to my brother?” Aoi panicked immediately thereafter, before clutching Miyu’s hand to keep her calm.
“It may have,” Kiku added as she joined them. “One of us needs to go check.”
 They stared at each other, before Ema decided to take the head of things.
“Okay, I’ve got a plan. Aoi, you stay with Miyu to make sure she arrives to the tower in one piece! I’m going with Takeru to face them directly, while Kiku shoots them from the back. I’ve already taken a hit and Takeru has a powerful long-range weapon. Everyone’s good with that?”
“Roger!” Everyone replied in unison as they split in groups.
 Ema had in her mind the secret hope of being devirtualized immediately. Takeru had less health point than she did, but she had already taken a hit and was the only one with any knowledge of the Supercomputer outside of Akira who seemed to spend a huge chunk of his nights on it. It was a perfect match for who had to go back to the real world to check on their friends.
She could see Kiku in her white kimono-like robe, braid flowing through the air as she ran and ran, in the corner of her eye running behind Bloks to stab them with her spear in their top eye, jumping on them, braid going up and down, causing their own self-destruction. She was clearly always going for those targeting Takeru, in a nice touch. The boy was himself with her throwing fire at the enemies, either to blind them or critically damage them.
In the corner of her other, Miyu and Aoi ran with their fingers intertwined, the latter with her own weapon out, ready to jump into action if needed. It was a safer solution for them than for Aoi to hold Miyu as she flew over the battlefield just in case she’d get shot in the wings: would that happen, they’d both take considerable fall damage and risk getting devirtualized. The possibility meaning the death of Miyu if it took place, they preferred to stay safe and go a bit slower. Good stuff there.
 Because she wasn’t paying all her attention to monsters, Ema quickly found herself to be devirtualized by a second hit in the chest, making her virtual body shatter in pixels before she could resurface in the factory.
  Exiting the scanner after getting forcefully devirtualized wasn’t the best feeling in the world, but Ema had no time for dizziness. She ran as fast as possible to the elevator and rushed her hands over the panel to go to the upper floor. They weren’t strangers to XANA using towers to gain access to the real world. In fact, they were even used to Akira getting attacked as to hinder the progress of those on Lyoko. The question was: what had it done to her friend while she was away in the virtual world?
As soon as the door opened, she realized two things: XANA had used a severed electric cable to do its deed, and Akira was unconscious the floor because of it. Her first thought was to rush to his side, to check if he was doing fine. A hand on his wrist, another on his forehead, and her eyes half-focused on the severed cable which now looked as inert as it should be, she let out a sigh of relief when she heard his pulse.
“You scared us again, you idiot,” she muttered under her breath. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to keep an eye on an important mission.”
 She gently half-sat Akira against a nearby wall and jumped into the chair facing the screens monitoring everything. Embracing the control tower nature of it all, she picked the headphone and put it on her ear.
“Anyone, you’re receiving me? It’s Ema!”
Everyone or so replied positively.
“Lemme see…” Her eyes deciphered as much information as they possibly could on the monitors. “Takeru, you’re down to 20HP, be careful! One hit and you’re sent back home! Kiku, there should be a Blok behind you! Aoi, Miyu, you’re near the tower, you may be able to fly there…”
 She interrupted herself when she saw the cable rise back to life, just as she heard everyone call out for Takeru’s voice. Getting down to her feet, taking a fighting stance, she hoped to be able to fight it back enough to have the time for the boy to reach her room. She knew how to activate the Return to the Past to fix all the damage the buildings around the school must have taken from the excessive sound, if the fact she was able to hear some low-quality rap music from the underground rooms of a factory was any indication, but Takeru didn’t.
Avoiding getting tripped by jumping over the cable’s feet, she was relieved to hear Takeru running towards her. He looked a bit out of breath from running so quickly in so little time, but he took his own fighting stance.
“Ema, get to the computer! I’m sure the others need you there!”
 Nodding to him as to confirm his decisions, she jumped back into the chair to see the information: Kiku was close to devritualization with a mere ten HP remaining while Miyu was just about to enter the tower. Trying her hardest to ignore how one-sided Takeru’s fight against the cable was becoming in favour of XANA, she focused on the screens. The boy’s pained scream when his back slammed against the wall didn’t help. Before she could entirely redirect her focus, Kiku had been defeated by a last laser beam.
“Aoi, be careful, Kiku just got eliminated!”
“We know,” the brown-haired girl replied from the other side of the screen. “Miyu is entering the tower now, I’ll try to keep back the last enemies until she can deactivate it!”
“Good, but please make it quick, Akira got stunned and Takeru may be injured from fighting a cable. I’m afraid I’ll be the next, not going to lie there.”
 Kiku soon joined the scene, judging from the elevator’s doors opening again and her little steps rushing to Takeru’s side.
“Ki… Kiku…” His weakened voice tried to warn his friend. “Don’t… Come here…”
Without a word, avoiding getting knocked back by the giant cable, she kneeled next to him, her gaze soon fixated on her friend rather than the incoming danger.
“Are you alright, Takeru?!”
“I… I think I’ve broken something against it… But it’s gonna be fine,  don’t worry… I’m sure Miyu is about to deactivate the tower…” He gave a timid but warm smile to her.
She gently held him against her, a half-felt one on her lips…
“It’s going to be fine. It’s always going to be fine.”
Judging from Takeru’s weak grip, she knew his hand had been broken in his fight against the machine.
  Entering the tower, Miyu made her way as fast as possible to the little panel presented in every tower. As soon as she put her hand on it, the system automatically recognized her, greeting her with the ever same and cold protocol.
MIYU
CODE: LYOKO
The entire tower progressively turned empty as it deactivated. From this little virtual pseudo-cocoon, she could only hope as she looked down everything was fine outside.
 Soon enough, the familiar energy wave of the Return to the Past resonated through the virtual world, making her smile as she thought that, once again, everything would be fine and that they had all saved the day.
  They were back in the same Maths class, which was still boring, still not interesting. A side effect of using the Return to the Past, obviously. At least, she could safely say that
“Hey, do you remember what happened to you before you got unconscious earlier?” she asked trying to hide her concern.
“I got electricized by a cable, that’s all I can remember. It doesn’t matter much anyway, the Return to the Past cancels every injury we could have sustained.”
“Well, that’s fortunate for Takeru, he broke his hand when fighting the cable.”
 Akira suddenly looked very pensive, before having a sort of epiphany flashing on his face.
“That makes me think… I should teach you how to use the Supercomputer, Ema, in case this ever happens again,” he whispered to her.
“I’m not against it. I already know how to use it, as you can see, but you could show me your… special tricks.”
The slight innuendo was enough to make him redden in a moment and look to the side.
“D-don’t phrase it like that…”
She grinned at his embarrassment. He was way too easy to tease, but it was always so much fun.
“Oh, by the way,” she added, “your sister is probably going to get a girlfriend soon, and she won’t even be material unless you come up with your program.”
“E… Excuse me?!”
“Miyu. She’s in love with Miyu and vice-versa. It’s just that you’re never here to see them flirt with each other knowingly or not.”
“Oh. That makes sense, when you precise it that way.”
“I know.”
 Now, if she had the same modesty as Aoi, maybe she would have the guts to tell him about her ever-growing crush on him…
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ganymedesclock ¡ 7 years ago
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Hey so remember that time that I was like “so I’m gonna come up with pokemon for some major Voltron characters, but I’m gonna limit it to two each because what kinda maniac would do full teams for 12+ characters”?
Me. I am that kinda maniac. 
Team Voltron in this post- Sincline plus Haggar and Zarkon later.
Lance Milotic [s] * Primarina * Gyarados * Swampert * Octillery * Lapras
Lance ended up with the single most evenly-typed team out of everybody I put here. The shiny Milotic is his signature pokemon but overall I can see Lance spending a lot of time with his team, both talking to them and grooming them. (if there’s anybody on the team I can see doing really well in contests, it’d be Lance)
Milotic and Gyarados are natural choices given the implication, as I’ve discussed before, that Lance is only a few steps behind Keith while not being a prodigy, and thus, a hard worker- so him getting pokemon that are regarded as pathetic, looked-down-upon initial evolutions, and refusing to give up on them no matter what, and reaping the rewards with a show-stopping team. 
Primarina arguably fits in for the same reasons (I remember when Sun/Moon started coming out, everybody dunked on Popplio) but with its final evolution being a ~beautiful mermaid~ there’s also no way Lance wouldn’t roll for that.
Octillery is a nod to Lance’s own brilliant marskmanship as well as being stated to be a calm pokemon that enjoys being fussed over, and Lapras are stated to sing to find each other, good for the empathetic connector that Lance is as a person. The swampert is both an effective canceler of electrical attacks (as Lance is pretty dang adaptable all things considered) and a nod to his connection with Hunk, the Earth paladin.
Keith Charizard (Y mega evolution) * Absol * Talonflame * Aegislash * Minior * Arcanine
I feel like Keith’s team, outside of the obvious fire motif, would be more ranger-like than focused on battling; the feeling from his house in s1e1 and the way he so clearly enjoys both the hoverbike and the outdoors strikes me as someone who would take very well to having a team that can let him tear across an open expanse or soar through the air. Either way, gotta have room to roam- his team has some rather large members.
I imagine Keith’s not a very earnest trainer. Most of his team came to him rather than him seeking them out, and they have funny personal stories behind almost all of them. The only exception is Charizard, who he got as a starter Charmander and who stuck with him the entire time he was shuffling around the foster system.
Aegislash are stated to be servants of those it believes possess a ‘kingly spirit’ and that one in particular doesn’t always listen to Keith, though it does sure seem interested in his welfare- it just sometimes disagrees with him on what that looks like. He’s never known it as a Honedge or Doublade- and it’s been around as long as he can remember. Perhaps someone asked it to look after him? It certainly nannies him an awful lot.
The arcanine he found as a growlithe hiding under a car, but it didn’t evolve until Garrison. Conversely the talonflame evolved really quickly; it was another adopted one (he found it after it hit a window and was able to nurse it back to health) I can see him using the talonflame more for exploration than for fighting.
Absol was a present from Shiro who thought they were similar-minded and could get along. (C’mon it’s a moody, well-intentioned prophet pokemon with flippy hair. I couldn’t not give one to Keith) It’s a little troubled but so’s he, so, they work.
Keith has no idea what’s up with the Minior. It latched onto him during his year in the desert and refused to leave him. He kinda thinks of it as a kindred spirit since they’re said to come from space and he feels pretty lost himself. (Kiddo you have no idea.)
Shiro Lucario * Skarmory * Mightyena * Umbreon * Scizor * Dusknoir
Veteran trainer who runs a tight ship, though not to his team’s detriment. A mix of dark and steel types, mostly, suitable for the tough-as-nails Black Paladin whose fighting style definitely has some shades of “brutally efficient”. As much as Shiro is an honorable and empathetic type, when it comes to life-or-death situations he goes for the throat big time. 
Thanks to his leadership, coordination and focus, they all made it through the missing year a bit beat up, a bit scarred, and pretty stressed- in particular his eevee didn’t exactly... plan to end up in that evolution but it had to evolve in the sunless sterile environment of the arena. 
Lucario is really nearly Shiro as a pokemon and I can see him sharing a very strong bond with it- the natural sense of justice, keen personal focus and that, for all of its strong instincts and wills, it’s a pack hunter that focuses on the idea of the group.
Skarmory is a pokemon said to refine its edge through experiencing hardship, battering its steel wings until it eventually regrows them and sharpens their cutting edge. Scizor fits in under that umbrella as well, since it’s another steel type and one that has to use its wings to thermoregulate, creating the image of an entity under pressure that has to regulate itself carefully. I sort of imagine during the missing year they spent a lot of time tanking for Shiro himself and for the rest of the team, and came out the most battered as a result. 
Mightyena is another socially-motivated pack hunter, which, given it’s a dark type and thus allegedly ‘evil’ would implicitly strike a balance between honorable and pragmatic, which is very significant to Shiro. 
Dusknoir’s a good sport, helpful and obliging, but Shiro sorta gets the creeps around it since he went into the missing year with only five pokemon (having given Keith his absol) and has absolutely no memory of when or where this one showed up and given its whole guide of the dead thing he sometimes wonders if it’s actually here for him in the not necessarily supportive sense of the term.
Hunk Donphan * Aggron * Bastiodon * Claydol * Golurk * Chansey
The donphan is his signature pokemon and primary companion- which matches his mentality basically perfectly as a relative slow mover that becomes virtually unstoppable once set on a single goal.
Hunk’s team pretty much embodies the dual nature of a compassionate protector of others with someone who will through-and-through mess you up if you tick him off or hurt his friends. You’d better believe that chansey is ready to throw down at any time of day. 
Aggron nicely embodies both with its propensity to restore and maintain its territory but also being a metal dinosaur that will protect that territory viciously.
Claydol and Golurk are more testaments to his curiosity and interest in technology. Hunk was the only one I gave a fossil pokemon, with the idea being he’s the sort of person who’d take the time to carefully nurse a revived prehistoric creature back to health. In general, I think Hunk’s team would be in good shape, like, he’s the type who just really enjoys taking care of them. He never officially signed up for the league (hence his lack of a starter) but just sorta accumulated pokemon that he made friends with.
In his defense most of these guys were a lot smaller when he started out and sometimes his donphan forgets that it’s not the size of a lapdog anymore. 
Pidge Rotom * Phantump * Porygon * Minun * Beldum * Cleffa
With only a single grass type, Pidge has the weakest connection to her element, but that much really makes sense- of the team she’s probably the most distant from understanding herself. Her team is all first evolutions as well- she’s got a lot of growing to do.
The rotom is both her signature and virtually never battles, usually hiding out in her laptop. They’re her best friend and avid confidant and she doesn’t like to have them occupy something they can’t talk to her through. (You bet your ass she has a Rotomdex. she built it herself)
Minun and Cleffa were gifts from her brother and her father respectively- Matt has a corresponding Plusle, and Cleffa because someone like Sam Holt who dedicated his life work to finding extraterrestrial life would be charmed by pokemon like the clefairy line that is rumored to have come from outer space. Pidge didn’t have much interest in the ‘conventional’ pokemon league and I imagine she only caught a few of her pokemon personally- most were from her family. Her mom got her Porygon partially in honor of her love of old-school graphics.
Beldum she caught all on her own! It was difficult- she killed an entire holiday- but she’s gonna have a metagross. As. soon as she can figure out how to encourage it to evolve. So far it’s not buying anything. Sometimes her Rotom has to chase it away from her laptop so it doesn’t try to dismantle her equipment. She has successfully trained it to fetch wrenches though.
Phantump is a new addition after her dad and brother went missing- they’re the spirits of lost children and while Pidge didn’t get lost as much as Sam and Matt did, I think that sense of being forlorn and isolated would lead her to quickly connect with a creature that felt the same way. By the time half of these babies grow up she’s gonna be pretty terrifying.
Allura Diancie * Audino * Florges * Altaria * Mawile * Espeon
Diancie’s basically a given. Of course Allura has a legendary, of course it’s the pink princess coming into her own, of course Allura’s team is mostly fairy types. Have you seen Mega Diancie? Tell me that’s not an Allura look.
Audino is a healer, Florges is a pokemon that explicitly makes gardens for royalty, and Altaria being a dragon bird basically is the embodiment of “beauty and grace and about to destroy your face.”
Mawile is also a nice testament to Allura’s toughness and strength of spirit, while Espeon is more a nice allusion to her strength of mind- also putting her as a counterpart to Shiro as the two leaders of the paladins. A very beautiful team, and a very competent one. 
Given Allura’s sentimental nature, I can see most of her pokemon being old childhood playmates, even Diancie- her apparent love of the outdoors and Altea’s climate would both imply that it wouldn’t be hard to run into powerful pokemon. So her team has a very strong emotional bond and are able to trust each other implicitly.
Originally I was going to give Allura Xerneas and Haggar Yveltal, but I thought that Diancie was a better fit for Allura, and while she’s OP, she’s not that OP, at least- not that consistently so the idea is they’re more entities that the two can call upon in times of need.
Coran Stoutland * Drampa * Probopass * Alakazam * Walrein * Carbink
Yes, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, yes I did.
That said Coran’s team is anything but a joke- he can and will cheerfully destroy you if you’re unprepared. His whole team is docile as sheep outside of combat, though- Allura has a lot of fond memories hanging out with that Drampa. 
Others (the Alakazam, Walrein, and Probopass) are a little lazier but still certainly friendly.
The carbink pretty much had to be there as soon as I looked at the relationship the carbink advisers are said to have with Diancie in the movie-verse since it’s basically the relationship between Coran and Allura just with pokemon. I sort of like the idea that in-universe working with Diancie and the carbinks is just a very standard affair for the Altean royal family- as diplomats they formed alliances with the pokemon in their environment before moving into space.
His signature pokemon is the Stoutland, through and through- a long-lived wise pokemon cited as a protector of others and a creature that will go through great toil to protect others. Also it’s such a stodgy, respectable-feeling thing, you can just imagine it patiently trotting along beside Coran on his way around the castle.
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undertheinfluencerd ¡ 3 years ago
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The big bad of the new Suicide Squad is a giant kaiju-like creature known as Starro. Fans of DC Comics likely recognized the alien parasite immediately. Starro has played a significant role in the history of DC superhero comics, including being the very first villain the Justice League ever faced.
RELATED: 9 Things About The Suicide Squad That Made No Sense
Since then, Starro has been a major villain and a hero, with his complex backstory playing a big role in comic book storylines over the last sixty years. Starro might be the villain in The Suicide Squad, but as longtime comic book readers know, that’s not the entire story about this fascinating character.
Updated on September 3rd, 2021 by Darby Harn: Starro’s showcase as the villain of The Suicide Squad has brought a lot more attention to the cosmic creature and his history in DC Comics. From the Silver Age to the current day, Starro has been a fixture in comic book storylines that mostly involve the Justice League, though he occasionally branches out into other books as well. Though his fate in the movies seems sealed for the moment, he has an infinite future in the multiverse of the comics, as well as a rich past that provides fans of the character a lot more to explore after the movie.
15 The First Villain Of The Justice League
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Starro has the distinction of being the first villain the Justice League ever fought together. He debuted in the team’s very first appearance in The Brave And The Bold #28 in 1960, co-created by writer Gardner Fox and artist Mike Sekowsky. Starro arrived from space and began absorbing the mental energy of scientists, leading the major heroes of the early Silver Age to come together to stop him.
The original Justice League included Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and the Martian Manhunter. Starro had another inadvertent influence on comic history as well. The success of the Justice League led Marvel Comics to create the Fantastic Four, co-created by the legendary combo of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby.
14 The Star Conqueror
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Starro looks like a giant starfish, but in fact, he’s a highly intelligent and powerful alien entity. Starro originates from the Star Conquerors, an ancient race of alien beings that use mind control powers to conquer planets. Starro has taken over nine galaxies just on his own, but he’s been frustrated in every attempt to take over the Earth thanks to the Justice League.
Starro only made sporadic appearances in the comic until the ’80s, when he became a more prevalent threat to newer iterations of the Justice League.
13 Generates Spores
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The most frightening aspect of Starro is just how he achieves his control of other people. Starro is a gigantic creature (though he can change size in some cases) and generates thousands of tiny starfish-like versions of himself.
These latch onto people, covering their face – not unlike the Face Hugger from the Alien franchise – and seize control of their central nervous system. Starro can control millions and even billions of people at once through this terrifying method of attack.
12 Cosmic Powers
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Beyond the generation of spores, Starro is cosmically powerful. He has a broad array of abilities that should rank among the most powerful DCEU villains. The most significant aspects of Starro’s powers lie in telepathy and telekinesis, unsurprising given his very nature.
Starro also has the ability to project energy beams, as he often did against the Justice League. He can fly through space, is generally invulnerable to most physical attacks, and can change size and color at will, depending on the situation.
11 Conquering Europe
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In the early ’90s, Starro achieved his greatest success in his bid for the conquest of Earth. Starro, who had been trapped on Earth for some time, finally escapes, or so it seems. He releases millions of spores over Europe, seizing control of virtually the entire population.
This leads the Justice League Europe branch to try and liberate the continent. The story, which took place over Justice League Europe #24-28 in 1991, sees Starro in control of Europe until JLE member Ice freezes him, releasing all of his captive humans.
10 Once Known As Cobi
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As is pretty much the standard for DC Comics characters, Starro The Conqueror’s backstory varies depending on what version of continuity he exists in. In one iteration, he was once known as Cobi. Cobi was actually a member of the Hatorei alien species whom the Star Conquerors decimated.
One of the Star Conquerors fixed to Cobi and together they formed the being that would become known as Starro. The Cobi version of Starro was revised back to just plain old Starro in the Flashpoint comic book event from 2011.
9 Fought Against The 99
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One of Starro’s major engagements in the comics pitted him against The 99. The comic book crossover JLA/The 99 from 2010 brought the Justice League together with the all-Muslim superhero team The 99 from Teshkeel Comics, a Kuwaiti comic book company.
RELATED: The 10 Most Powerful Versions Of DC’s Justice League, Ranked
The two teams faced off against the combined forces of Starro The Conqueror and Rughal, an ancient villain of The 99 who seeks the Noor Stones. Starro and Rughal don’t so much as team up as just pick really bad times to set off their evil plots.
8 Traded To Lord Manga
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After his defeat by the Justice League Europe, Starro is frozen in captivity. His story takes a strange turn when Captain Atom trades the frozen Starro to supervillain Lord Manga (also known as Khan) for an unspecified favor in the future.
This trading was somewhat typical for Manga as he once traded the Justice League his android L-Ron. Lord Manga’s status as an intergalactic trader is how he ends up with Starro in the first place; Manga had also taken Despero into custody from the JLA and once tried to trade a kidnapped Mister Miracle to Apokalips.
7 Took Control Of The Martian Manhunter
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Starro The Conqueror seeks to control the minds and bodies of basically everyone he comes into contact with. In the comic book storyline Justice League: No Justice, Starro takes control of J’onn J’onzz, The Martian Manhunter, with unexpected results.
As the two fight alongside the Justice League against the invading alien forces of the Omega Titans, the compassionate nature of the Martian Manhunter influences Starro to consider a life beyond conquering for the first time.
6 Starro The Cat
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There are many versions of Starro The Conqueror throughout the DC Comics multiverse. One of the most unique is Starro The Cat. This version actually isn’t an alien parasite but the housecat of Snapper Carr, a superhero who fought with the Justice League against the alien Starro in his first adventure.
That led him to name his pet cat after the alien supervillain. Starro The Cat made a few appearances after his debut in Hourman #1 in 1999, and never caused as much trouble as his villainous namesake.
5 Fighting The Avengers
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The Avengers have faced off against some very powerful villains in the comics, like the devilish Mephisto. One of their most unexpected foes was Starro.
The DC supervillain faced off against Earth’s Mightiest Heroes in the crossover JLA/Avengers, which brought together the two powerhouse superhero teams in 2003. The battle occurs as a result of a cosmic chess match between Krona from DC and The Grandmaster from Marvel that forces both teams to seek out artifacts of extreme power.
4 Heroic Sacrifice
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Starro is nominally a villain in any universe he appears in, but in more recent years, he became something of a hero. In the pages of Justice League: No Justice in 2018, the heroism of Martian Manhunter inspires Starro to act in a more utilitarian fashion.
This ultimately leads to a heroic sacrifice on his part. Starro attempts to mind control one of the Omega Titans but is ripped apart by the titanic villain. While tragic for Starro, this move saves many lives and allows the Justice League to evacuate the planet of Colu.
3 Jarro
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Starro had died, but his story took one of its most eccentric turns when Batman grows a new version of the character from a tissue sample of the original. He dubs this miniature version of the character ‘Jarro.’ Jarro debuted in Justice League #10 in 2018.
RELATED: Batman’s 10 Weirdest Comic Book Arcs
Jarro retains all of Starro’s power and potential, but he seems to have a much more amenable personality, and an unlikely friendship with Batman that leads to one of the zaniest comic moments in recent history.
2 The New Robin
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Jarro really likes and identifies with Batman, to the point he wants to become the new version of Robin. He does, at least in his head. In a funny and heartwarming sequence in Justice League #29, in 2019. In his elaborate fantasy, Jarro dons a Robin costume, complete with a cape and custom fit to allow his singular eye to see through it.
He fights alongside The Dark Knight defending Gotham. It’s only a fantasy, and never becomes reality, at least not yet.
1 Red Lantern Starro
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One of the most frightening versions of Starro in the comics is the Red Lantern Starro. He debuted in the alternate universe depicted in Injustice: Gods Among Us: Year Four Annual #1.
This version of the character is in possession of a Red Lantern ring and is thus a member of the Red Lantern Corps. Red Lanterns are fueled by rage, giving them their distinctive crimson color. Red Lanterns can generate Rage Plasma, which incinerates essentially anything. In addition to his other cosmic powers, this made Starro even more deadly.
NEXT: 10 Most Powerful Kaiju In The DC Universe, Ranked
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The post The Suicide Squad: 15 Things Only Comics Fans Know About Starro appeared first on undertheinfluencerd.net.
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aion-rsa ¡ 4 years ago
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How Babylon 5 Made Star Trek Better
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There are a few patient zeroes for  proving serialized storytelling on TV viable. Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Battlestar Galactica, and the so-called “golden era” of TV aren’t possible without a few under-the-radar precedents. Different critics will point to different examples, but when it comes to science fiction and fantasy shows, that list gets a lot smaller. Some might say Buffy’s interconnected season-long arcs are the most influential, while Trekkies tend to lean heavily on the innovation and risk-taking of Deep Space Nine’s serialization in later seasons. In fact, one prominent DS9 podcast — The Rules of Acquisition — has effectively argued that DS9 created the foundation for all contemporary TV that followed. And then there’s The X-Files. 
All of these examples are valid because, clearly, in the late 1990s, there was a vortex swirling that led to a revitalization of TV conventions that was most noticeable in genre shows. Buffy and DS9 probably deserve equal credit, but in terms of its influence on science fiction, and Star Trek in particular, the series that is (sometimes) overlooked is Babylon 5. By July 1994, Babylon was wrapping up its first season, and the future of science fiction on TV would never be the same… 
In retrospect, Babylon 5 made Star Trek better in the 1990s. Like Paul McCartney being inspired by the Beach Boys in the ‘60s, Babylon 5 was the scrappy ‘90s sci-fi underdog that, in a roundabout way, inspired the best of Trek to be better. Here’s why…
Did Deep Space Nine rip-off Babylon 5? (Or vice versa?)
If you were watching sci-fi TV in the ‘90s, you probably had at least an argument about whether or not the two TV shows about people living on a space station were ripping off each other. I had an ill-informed one with my dad in 1995. My dad claimed he thought it was clear that Deep Space Nine (which premiered on January 3rd, 1993) had ripped-off Babylon 5 (which premiered on January 26th, 1994), and I claimed the reverse. Neither of us was right, but it’s easy to see why fans we’re so perplexed at the time. Here’s the list:
Both shows featured a cast of humans living with aliens on a space station, trying to work out various peace deals. 
Both had no-nonsense female first officers, Kira on DS9, Ivanova on B5 (though in the B5 pilot episode, “The Gathering,” the first officer was Laurel Takashima, played by Tamlyn Tomita, who very recently turned up on Star Trek: Picard.)
In the first season, both had lead characters who were “Commanders” not “Captains.”
Both of these Commanders (Sisko and Sinclair) were veterans of major battles/wars, and their characters were (initially) defined by this experience.
Both space stations were positioned next to a strategic portal through space; the Wormhole in DS9 and a major JumpGate in B5.
And finally, both shows expected the viewer to have watched some, if not all, of the previous episodes in order to know what was going on. Again, in the ‘90s, this was not common for any TV.
So, what’s the deal? Well, as Babylon 5 creator J. Michael Straczynski has gone-on record saying many, many times: “Were Pillar and Berman [DS9 creators] aware of B5 at any time? No. Of that, I am also confident. The only question in my mind is to what degree did the development people steer them?” 
Babylon 5 had been in development since 1987, but there’s not really any reason to believe that camp Star Trek was super-interested in ripping off a space station show and using it for its own purposes. So, the theory floated by JMS and others is basically this: Because B5 had been pitched to Paramount before landing with Warner Bros, it’s feasible that Paramount Studio executives encouraged the DS9 team to use various elements from the B5 pitch without telling them about the existence of B5. There’s also one rumor that states that Warner and Paramount were planning on launching a joint network in the early ‘90s, and that from a studio-level point-of-view, at some point in time, Babylon 5 and DS9 WERE THE SAME SHOW, even if the people making the shows were unaware of that. That last one is pretty out-there, and also hasn’t been publicly verified, so, there’s a good bet it might not be accurate. 
Bottom line: Today, most consider the similarities between B5 and DS9 to be superficial and mostly coincidental. It’s water under the space bridge, Wormhole or Jumpgate. And yet, there are more concrete connections.
The Babylon 5 + Star Trek connections 
In front of the camera, Babylon 5 had a few obvious Star Trek connections. The recurring villain Alfred Bester (named after the famous SF novelist) was played by Walter Koenig, best known to Trekkies as Pavel Chekov. Patricia Tallman, who played telepath Lyta Alexander on B5, was a familiar stunt performer on The Next Generation and DS9 (often doubling for Gates McFadden, Nana Visitor, and Terry Farrell ) and also appeared in notable episodes like “Starship Mine.” On top of that, at the height of the rivalry between B5 and Star Trek, Majel Barret — the first lady of Star Trek and Gene Roddenberry’s widow — guest-starred in the 1996 Babylon 5 episode “Point of No Return.” She played a character named Lady Morella, the widow of the Emperor of the planet Centauri Prime. This cameo was a calculated move on the part of B5 creator JMS and Barret. Basically, the goal here was to send a message to all fandoms: Be cool.
Behind-the-scenes, there were a few more big Star Trek connections. Harlan Ellison was a “Creative Consultant” for Babylon 5 and Trekkies obviously know his mega-famous Trek episode, “City on the Edge of Forever.” And, JMS himself was also a big Trekkie. But we’ll get to that.
How Babylon 5 (maybe) made Trek writing better in the ‘90s
Okay. So, there’s no reason to believe that Deep Space Nine ripped-off Babylon 5 in the ‘90s, but that doesn’t mean Deep Space Nine and Voyager weren’t made better by the existence of some friendly competition. Documentaries like What We Left Behind make it clear that DS9 had its own agenda, separate and apart, from, well, pretty much anything. That said, DS9 didn’t start out as a serialized show. Those big story arcs came later. Babylon 5 on the other hand, did start out serialized, which when you consider that most seasons were 22 episodes long, that’s really saying something. DS9 always had ongoing storylines, but the heavy serialization — the types of back-to-back story arcs that happened during the Dominion War — happened years after the show got off the ground. Did Babylon 5 give the writers’ room of DS9 the confidence to go this route? Most would probably say no. And yet, B5’s serialization was its signature. With DS9, the serialization became its signature eventually. 
Adam Nimoy, son of Leonard Nimoy, directed the most pivotal episode of Babylon 5, the 1996 season 3 finale, “Z’ ha’dum.” These days, this kind of thing happens all the time — Jonathan Frakes directs episodes of Star Trek: Discovery and The Orville in the same year. But back in 1996, this kind of thing was more shocking. It’s not provable, but with so many Star Trek people working on Babylon 5, it feels unlikely that the writers and producers never watched the show. Because if they had, it seems like they would have been fired-up. 
How Babylon 5 saved Star Trek’s special effects in the ‘90s
In the early 1990s, real sci-fi on TV didn’t use CGI. If you wanted to do spaceships, you used models. Even the sci-fi epic seaQuest DSV got away with heavy CGI use because, in essence, the ships were half-hidden underwater. But not Babylon 5. From 1994 onward, everything about the series was CGI. Initially, the VFX company that provided these effects was a company called Foundation Imaging. Because B5 had a budget of roughly a third of a Trek series of that era, CGI effects were the only way to survive. You might not think the CGI on B5 looks that realistic now, but you have to put it in context. Outside of maybe The Last Starfighter, nobody had really dared to do outer space ship VFX with anything other than models. B5 proved it could be done. The series also pioneered virtual sets, a practice that every single sci-fi show benefits from to this day.
But this isn’t an instance of Star Trek noticing someone doing CGI and thinking that it was a good idea. Foundation Imaging literally became a part of the Star Trek franchise in 1996. After 1995, Warner Bros decided to create the CGI for Babylon 5 in-house, which left Foundation Imaging in trouble. Luckily in 1996, the company started doing CGI for Star Trek: Voyager, which led to a longtime association with the Trek franchise. Up until 1996, for spaceship exteriors, Trek almost always used models. But that started to change after Foundation Imaging began working on Voyager. Though another VFX company — Digital Muse — did a bunch of DS9’s effects, Foundation Imaging was eventually needed on DS9 as well. Remember the greatest spaceship battle in all of DS9? Yep, that’s (mostly) Foundation Imaging.
In “Sacrifice of Angels,” the scope of the starship battle was too big for models to be used, and the workload too large for Digital Muse to handle alone. And so, Foundation was responsible for the epic moment in which the USS Defiant breaks through the Dominion lines. For most DS9 fans, this exact scene defines why the series is legit awesome. And, the truth is, if Babylon 5 hadn’t employed Foundation Imaging, if Babylon 5 hadn’t relied on CGI effects, the Defiant might not have flown like that. Everyone knows great VFX can’t save a bad sci-fi movie or TV series. But, in the late 90s, it was also true that bad VFX could prevent great sci-fi from being accepted. If Trek hadn’t slowly made the switch to CGI, it’s hard to believe Voyager would have continued to be exciting. Without Babylon 5 and Foundation, you can forget “Year of Hell.”
How Babylon 5’s creator predicted a Star Trek reboot
 In 2005, after the cancelation of Enterprise was announced, JMS and Bryce Zabel co-authored a treatment for a possible reboot of Star Trek. This outline wasn’t done because anyone asked them to. It was done out of love for Star Trek. The basic concept was, at the time, fairly radical — do an entire reboot of Star Trek, in fact, the pitch was called Star Trek: Re-Boot the Universe. The idea was to give a new origin story for Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and the rest of the TOS crew. JMS used examples from his work in comic books: Fans can accept that this happens in a different universe. Sound familiar? 
By 2009, the entire trajectory of Star Trek was redefined by the first J.J. Abrams reboot movie, which, superficially, is what JMS and Zabel pitched. True, the current Star Trek renaissance has gone away from the reboot universe. But, the viability for big-budget, cinematic Star Trek probably couldn’t have happened without the reboots. Again, we can’t prove that the JMS/Zabel pitch inspired Paramount to do their own reboot, but just like there may have been some synergy between DS9 and B5, the basic pitch is just too similar to ignore. 
Conclusion
Babylon 5 was a not a Star Trek rip-off, but it did take place in the 23rd Century, and like the classic Trek, featured heroic human starship captains and their alien allies teaming-up to save the galaxy. In a sense, there was a retro-feeling to all of Babylon 5 that probably reminded ‘90s Trekkies more of TOS than of TNG or DS9. Throw Walter Koenig and Harlan Ellison into the mix, and B5 was like a tribute band for Star Trek: The Original Series. These days, fans of The Orville make similar comparisons between that series and the TNG heyday of the ‘90s. The difference, of course, is that B5 was created by J. Michael Straczynski, a guy who cut his teeth literally creating the scripts for your favorite ‘80s cartoons; from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe to The Real Ghostbusters. In short, Straczynski was someone who understood what sci-fi TV was in the ‘90s, and he knew its limitations. When he set out to make B5 he clearly did it with a lot of love for Star Trek. JMS  hired Star Trek actors for Babylon 5. He attempted to bridge the divide between Trek fandoms and the B5 fandoms. He even dreamed up a way to bring Trek back from the dead after it was seemingly canceled in 2005. J. Michael Straczynski maybe never formally wrote for Star Trek, but without him, and without Babylon 5, the world of Trek would have been much, much darker.
The post How Babylon 5 Made Star Trek Better appeared first on Den of Geek.
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kenkamishiro ¡ 7 years ago
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re:quest [tension] - chapter 4
I don’t even know how it took me this long to do chapter 4 (please don’t ask). Unfortunately the last chapter will definitely take a while since I’ll be starting school soon, but I’ll definitely finish it at some point.
For those who haven’t read “tension”, the short story about the CCG art festival, you can read chapter 1 here. Enjoy!
(Thank you @tokyo-ghoul-out-of-context for proofreading.)
“Huh?” Koori-senpai, what are you doing?”
When Hairu had showed up to work at the S1 squad’s task room, she had found Ui cutting up photographs with a pair of scissors. “Do you have a grudge against those people in the photos or something?”
“Of course not.” Ui said, glaring at his hand. Hairu shrugged and sat down in her seat to escape from his line of sight.
When Ui finished cutting up the photo he had been holding, he began to clean up. Hairu rose from her chair and looked at him again. “Are you making a scrapbook then?” 
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In addition, the photos he had were similar colours.
“...it’s for the art festival. I’m making a collage out of them.” It seemed like he was going to paste the photos he had cut out to form one complete piece of art.
“You’re going all out, huh?”
“If I’m going to do something, I’m going to do my best. If I hand in an unfinished product, I’ll look like a fool, and I don’t really want that to happen…”
Ui took a deep breath.
The annual art festival that had been a slump for all these years was now booming. It had become a topic of discussion among investigators, which was unheard of. And even though the deadline wasn’t near, the art festival executive committee was worried that the hall they rented every year to display the artwork wouldn’t be big enough to display them all.
“I never thought this would become this big of a deal.”
“Isn’t this what you wanted though, Koori-senpai?” Wasn’t this now an event that was suitable for Arima to adjudicate?
“...there’s a limit to everything.”
However, Ui was a pessimist. As Hairu pondered just what exactly was making him this high-strung, a visitor suddenly came into the room.
“Mmm...Koori-boy.”
With just a glance she could see the muscles bulging from the man’s brawny figure, hair styled into a pompadour coupled with a voluminous moustache. This was Tanakamaru Mougan, a Special Class investigator with a presence that was like overwhelming stench of a million spices mixed together.
He was a veteran investigator known as ‘Mougan of the 2nd ward’, but to Hairu he was simply someone who reeked of old man. His sweltering presence made it seem like the task room was heating up.
Ui stared wide-eyed at Mougan who looked like he had been planning to meet Ui all along, though it seemed like Ui hadn’t been expecting him at all.
“I heard about it, boy.” Mougan lumbered over to Ui’s side and approached him thoughtlessly.
“...h-heard what?”
“That you set this year’s art festival on fire!” Mougan was applauding for Ui as his way of praising him. Just how in the world did he make his claps sound like large explosions?
Ui was making a face that was impossible to describe because of the unwanted flattery. Was the sullen expression Ui made whenever the popularity of the art festival was brought up because this was the news that was being spread?
“I wholeheartedly believe that events that enrich life, or in other words, ‘adult extracurricular activities’, are a fantastic idea. Take me for example. I organized the CCG Dandy Contest and the Inter-ward Baseball Classic, though I wasn’t able to turn them into major events. Unbelievable, perhaps I should call you a young genius now...hmm?”
Mougan, who had been stroking his moustache the entire time while he was talking, grabbed Ui’s scraps of photos. “Koori-boy, you’re in the middle of making something as well! Hoh, how fascinating, you’re making a collage, I see.”
“Yeah…”
Mougan could guess what Ui was trying to make right away, thanks to his deep and extensive knowledge of culture from having grown up in a temple. “It must be difficult preparing the photos though.”
“I suppose…”
Mougan nodded in agreement, and then he suddenly made a fist and thumped his chest. “I see, boy! Is it that you need my help with your art!?”
“No, I’m good,” Ui said, turning him down.
But Mougan’s reply was, “Don’t hold back! So you were interested in my camera!?”
Once Mougan became like this, there was no stopping him. He firmly grabbed Ui’s shoulders. “Hahaha! Looks like we’ll be dripping sweat and tears for your fantastic art! Fwahahahaha!!”
Ui’s day is getting worse, Hairu thought as Mougan’s explosive laugh resounded in the room.
Even people with art experience were having difficulties. This wasn’t limited to just Ui, however.
“I told you, this should be like this, like this, like that, and this should be like that. Get what I’m sayin’, buzzcut?”
“No, I don’t get what you mean!” the Qs squad leader Shirazu yelled out without thinking in response to Saiko’s rude explanation.
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Shirazu and Saiko were currently in a family restaurant. Sitting on top of Shirazu’s table was a glass of juice brought from the fountain machine and a motorcycle magazine alongside a sketchbook which had two circles and horizontal lines drawn in it. At a quick glance the drawing looked like an eggplant or a cucumber, but it looked like a motorcycle to Shirazu.
Shirazu was trying to get an award from the art festival, as the winners would receive prize money, though it was a meagre amount. But to him, whose biggest desire was to make money, this was an opportunity that he couldn’t pass up.
The problem was that it was virtually impossible for him to win an award. Shirazu had lived a life unrelated to the arts, and going for a ride on his motorcycle suited his nature more than holding a paintbrush. Because of that, he was aiming for the honourable mention rather than shooting too high for the grand prize or the runner-up prize. He had asked Saiko to teach him how to draw because it seemed like her drawings that she doodled to waste time were easier to draw compared to Urie’s oil paintings.
But it was more difficult than he’d expected putting it into practice. “For starters, show me what you can do,” Saiko had said, so he had tried drawing a motorcycle while glancing back and forth at the magazine. But it was evident that he couldn’t draw to save his life.
“Shiragin, how’re you supposed to ride that spoopy horse?”
“...shut up.”
On the other hand, Saiko’s paper had a well-drawn motorcycle drawn in a distorted style. Shirazu and Saiko had drawn the same motorcycle, yet the drawings looked like completely different things.
“I thought it’d be easy to draw if it was familiar and something that I like…”
“Guys are just like that. They can’t see the people in front of them.”
“And this ain’t even a person. Shit…” Shirazu fell flat onto the table and groaned. “I just wanna cover my face in black ink, stamp it against the paper, and just submit that as my self-portrait.”
“I won’t stop you then.”
“That’s when you’re supposed to stop me.”
“As a squad member, I shall watch over the Qs squad leader’s naked body print.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Ahh, I wanna eat a ton of karaage.”
“I don’t care if that’s what you wanna order, just teach me properly!” Today was Shirazu’s treat to Saiko for helping him out.
“Right, right,” Saiko said as she pressed the call button to bring the waitstaff.
While he watched her order, Shirazu thought about how surprisingly peaceful it was now.
“...eventually I’ll forget that I’m an investigator.”
“You know, I always forget.”
“And just how do you do that?”
“‘Cause the only thing in my mind right now is karaage. Karaage, karaage!” Saiko sang the word in her own tune. In this kind of state she wouldn’t be able to coach him until she was done eating. Shirazu, having become bored again, began filling the blank spaces on the page with circles. The small circles began to multiply.
The reason why he had been noticing how peaceful things were was because of the Auction Cleanup Operation that had taken place recently. Shirazu harboured all kinds of emotions from that battle.
I want to...be beautiful.
Those were the words that his opponent Nutcracker had spit out after his finishing blow, words that didn’t sound like anything like what a ghoul would say. Because of that, when he stabbed her it hadn’t felt like he had exterminated a ghoul, but rather killed a person, and those emotions weighed down Shirazu’s heart. It had reminded him of the mortality of humans, and also related his father’s suicide.
He wasn’t the type to think too deeply, but he couldn’t erase these thoughts burning within himself. Though in that fight, it wasn’t just Shirazu’s heart that had been affected. All the Qs had been affected one way or another; it had affected Saiko who was always cracking jokes, it had affected Urie, it had affected Mutsuki as well.
“Lotsa nice circles there, Shiragin.”
“Hm? Oh, you’re right.” Before he knew it, Shirazu had drawn circles all over the paper without any gaps in between them.
“Wow, this is kinda disturbing.”
Looking at the aggregation of circles, Shirazu closed the sketchbook, but Saiko grabbed it. “THIS IS...ART!”
“The hell are you sayin’?”
She pulled the sketchbook out of Shirazu’s hand and looked at the page covered in circles. “Shiragin, draw a ton of small circles on a big piece of paper. A ginormous one.”
“Huh? That sounds like a pain to do, where’s the fun in that?” he said exasperatedly to Saiko, who sounded like she was off her rockers.
She waved her finger and clicked her tongue at him. “You don’t understand what art is, so of course you’d find it boring.”
“Oi, I’m startin’ to get pissed off at you art geeks.”
“Funny comin’ from the CCG bastard! Draw the damn circles, draw them!” Saiko shoved the paper in front of Shirazu’s face.
“Stop it already!” Shirazu said, swatting the paper away.
“Do you want the prize or not, Ginshira!?” Saiko exclaimed.
“I want it…”
“Then listen to what the charismatic Saiko has to say!”
The way he was right now, he wouldn’t even have a remote chance of winning the award. That being said, Saiko didn’t think that those circles would help him win one, but she felt that Shirazu could somehow manage since circles were easy to draw.
“Fine,” Shirazu replied.
Now that the artistic direction was settled, all that was left was to just draw it. He and Saiko split ways when Saiko said that she was going to go buy art supplies for herself, and he began walking to the Chateau.
“Art festival, huh…”
Urie was going to paint as always, and Haise was going to make a gingerbread castle with Mutsuki.
“...”
Now that he thought about it, it felt like Haise had changed as well after the Auction Cleanup Operation, though it was hard to say just what exactly had changed in him.
“...who knows, he might just be tired or something,” Shirazu muttered to himself, and then he suddenly remembered something. “Ah, that’s right.”
Shirazu changed his course of direction. He soon arrived at a cafe called :re, and passed through the entrance.
“Welcome,” the cafe owner came to greet with a gentle smile. She was a lovely woman who looked around Shirazu’s age.
“Ah, thanks.” Shirazu sat at the counter and ordered a cup of coffee which the taciturn male employee behind the counter prepared for him.
The aroma of coffee rising from the steam, he placed the cup to his mouth without waiting to cool it down. It was delicious as always. Haise had teared up when he drank this coffee.
“Looks like you’re the only one here today,” the owner called out.
Shirazu raised his head. “Ah, yeah. The black coffee I drank last time was amazing.”
“Thank you so much. Come to think of it, we met at the hospital as well.”
A while back Shirazu had gone with Hanbee from the Suzuya squad to visit Juuzou’s partner Shinohara, and that was when they had passed by each other. It had been just for that moment, but it seemed like she remembered.
If that was the case, then maybe he could bring up the topic.
“Um, has Sassan come by?” he asked. “Um, he was the person that was with me before. But not the one wearing the eyepatch…”
“I haven’t seen him recently,” she replied. Recently, so that meant that he came by a few times. “He must be pretty busy, I heard he was doing some investigator work.”
“Huh, I don’t think it’s that busy right now though…” He should have plenty of time now because things were usually calm after a big operation like the Auction Cleanup Operation. Maybe it was because he was spending time interacting with the ghoul he had invoked ownership rights over?
“...um, you know, there’s going to be a CCG art festival coming up soon.”
“C-CCG?” The manager seemed to respond more to the fact that he had said CCG instead of the art festival.
“Pretty weird, huh? Sassan and the guy with the eyepatch, Tooru, are gonna make a gingerbread castle. It’s gonna be pretty fun, so if you have time do you wanna drop by? It’s open to the public.”
“I’d love to go, but the shop…” She looked at the male employee standing behind the counter. The silent man was washing the mugs and didn’t seem to react to anything she had said.
“Oh, I guess there’s nothing you can do about that. It was only if you had time.”
“Yes. Thank you for offering.” The owner gave him a soft smile, then went back to work. Shirazu also finished his coffee and left the cafe.
“Hnn...so much for that.” He’d thought about how happy Haise would’ve been if she had come…
“Oh well. Though I’m pretty sure I saw Sassan pass by here secretly…”
If the opportunity came up, Shirazu would ask her again. This time Shirazu walked towards the Chateau.
“Did that guy leave yet?”
After Shirazu left, a bespectacled man appeared from the back of the shop. With a listless expression on his face, Nishio Nishiki, known by the CCG as the S-rate ghoul Serpent, sat down in a chair with a thud. His face had been covered by a mask back when he fought the Qs, but they still heard his voice, which was why he had been hiding in the back.
“Shouldn’t you go to the festival, Manager?”
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“Idiot,” the cafe owner, Kirishima Touka, replied to Nishiki’s words. She stared at the door that Shirazu had exited out of. If Sasaki Haise knew that he had spent time with Touka and the others as Kaneki Ken, what would he think?
“Make me coffee,” Nishiki demanded to Touka.
“Go make it yourself,” she retorted.
“So stingy,” he said, and he went behind the counter. “But an art festival, huh...it’s just like grade school.”
“What’s wrong with that? It sounds fun,” Touka said as she washed Shirazu’s mug.
School.
The sound of it made her chest ache.
Touka-chan, do you want to go to the zoo together?
She unexpectedly recalled that scene. This was back when she’d still been attending school.
The zoo?
Yeah! I can bring lunch, and we can go sometime during summer break...I want us to go together again. I know you’re busy with studying but…
It’s fine. It’s not like I’m gonna fail just by taking a day off.
In this life where all she’d done was lose, the only things she had accumulated were promises she’d been unable to keep.
Once we graduate, Yoriko, are we going to drift apart?
...I don’t wanna...
Yoriko. Even if we graduate, we’ll still hang out together.
The words she had said to her beloved friend in the end, became nothing but a lie.
“Hmm, I guess. Being able to do stupid things like that does seem like a lot of fun,” Nishiki said as he finished making his coffee. He then suddenly let out a sharp laugh.
“What’s that laugh for? You’re grossing me out.”
“What’d you say?”
Nishiki glared at her, but realizing that arguing would be pointless, he returned to his seat at the counter with his coffee in hand.
“I just remembered this guy from the school festival planning committee at the university who had the dumbest haircut.” He looked at Touka while grinning. He had been at the university that Nishiki had attended.
“...”
Touka looked at the door again. Even now, she still remembered the moment that she saw Kaneki - no, Sasaki Haise - appear and pass through that door.
Touka wiped the washed mug and returned it to the shelf. “Looks like he’s pretty valued by them.”
From the way Shirazu spoke, Kaneki was needed by them, and she could imagine that that was how Kaneki had come to call that place home.
“Valued? That’s kinda fucking scary, you comparing him to a female lion?”
“Huh? Want me to kill you?” She glared at him again, but feeling foolish she dropped her gaze right away. When she turned away, she saw Yomo looking at her, and she looked away again.
“...”
When was the last time he’d called her Touka-chan?
“...Nishiki, it’d be too difficult for me to go, so why don’t you go to the art festival in my stead instead?”
“Don’t you even feel a bit sorry for daring me to go out in this cold weather?”
The sun was setting, and soon the cafe would become crowded with salarymen and students commuting from school that Touka and Yomo would have to serve coffee to.
Speaking of which, a long time ago she had used her younger brother Ayato as her practice partner for making coffee. But no matter how much he drank, he never once said that it was delicious.
What would it taste like now? She wouldn’t be able to make her coffee taste like Yoshimura’s, but could she bring out the taste of Anteiku?
It was then that Haise floated into her mind. He had cried drinking her coffee. His name may have changed, but he was still him even with his memories lost.
Touka brought the coffee she’d made to her mouth. It wasn’t that she wasn’t lonely. It was just that there was an emotion more powerful than loneliness inside of her and in the cafe too.
The sun was setting, and the bars in town were bustling with people. The ghoul investigator, Fura Taishi, entered a cozy pub and found the back of a nondescript-looking man sitting at the bar.
“Hey,” he called out with a wry smile, without bothering to check who the person that blended into the pub was. The man, Hirako Take, looked over his shoulder. Seeing Fura, he gave him a small nod.
“Mind if I sit next to you?”
“Go ahead.”
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After ordering drinks, Fura talked to Hirako while snacking on the appetizers that they were served. “The art festival’s become a pretty big deal.”
“It really has.”
“Are you participating as well? What are you going to submit?”
“Kuramoto told me to submit pictures of my dog.”
“I see.”
Hirako was supposed to submit something but had no clue what to submit, so the vice squad leader Itou Kuramoto had suggested he take photos of his dog.
Speaking of photos, Ui was also using photos to make a collage, but he was losing his mind because of Mougan, who had suggested that they work together. All of Mougan’s photos that he took were spirit photography, which he couldn't use. It was strange, considering Mougan had grown up in a temple. Furthermore, Mougan had even destroyed his camera after being disgusted by a ghost that he had photographed.
“What about you?” Hirako asked as Fura took out his cigarette and lit it.
Fura shook his head silently. “Art isn’t really my thing, plus Arima isn’t making anything himself.”
It had only been for a short time, but Arima had been in the same class as Fura in the past. Fura had become an investigator, and it had been many years since he last spent time with Arima, but he couldn’t forget his memories from that time.
I’m going to continue pursuing ghouls, moving from place to place. It’s been a while since I spoke to someone my age. Although I wasn’t quite able to live a normal school life...it was surprisingly fun. Thank you.
They had met in his second year of high school. Arima was blunt, didn’t have much to say yet spoke too many unnecessary things, and was indifferent to his work. But he had saved Fura’s life in the process. Once Fura’s wish to defeat the ghoul who had robbed the life and right eye of his childhood friends was granted, Arima had left.
Even to this day, many years later, Arima was someone Fura didn’t understand, but he might just be the type who didn’t like talking and kept to himself.
“...hey, that reminds me.”
Hirako was now a squad leader with his own subordinates, but he had been requested to return to the Arima squad to help Arima. Considering how the vice squad leader Itou had grown, Hirako’s time there would be up soon. However, figuring that Hirako wouldn’t have much to say about that matter, Fura swallowed his words and smoked his cigarette instead. As the man who had served as the long-time partner of the ‘strongest investigator’, he must be carrying a heavy burden.
“...do you have pictures of your dog with you now?”
“No, the only ones I had I submitted already.”
“I see. I’ll look for them with my wife and daughter then.”
He exhaled the smoke from his mouth, and the smoke immediately dissipated.
Time went by, and the art festival slowly drew near.
“...one, two, three...fufu.”
The white drawing paper was steadily being coloured bit by bit by Hairu, who was sitting on the floor, surrounded by coloured pencils strewn about.
She had drawn a field of flowers, the backdrop of her memories.
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The deadline of the art festival that brought about excitement absent in previous years, finally arrived. Amidst the grief of the investigators who couldn’t make their artwork in time, the judging began.
“...why is there so much art?”
Every year, someone from the Washuu clan acted as the adjudicator. This year it was Washuu Matsuri. He looked at the crowded displays of artwork with a tired expression. Just reviewing all this artwork would take ages.
Meanwhile, Washuu Yoshitoki, the CCG Bureau Director and Matsuri’s father, looked at the art with a smile. “Isn’t this great? The art festival was a success!”
“It’s a waste of time.”
“These were all made with precious time. You should take your time admiring them,” Yoshitoki chided to the rebellious Matsuri. However, Matsuri’s discontent face refused to disappear.
A distance away from them, Arima was observing the artwork by himself.
He had been told to select just one piece of art that he liked. All he had to say was “I like this,” and that would be the end of it.
Arima moved forward at a quick pace.
He continued without stopping, and it seemed like he was going to run out of artwork.
“...”
Arima stopped. It was a single picture. A scene of flowers blooming profusely. Standing in the middle of the flowers was a gentle-looking teenager with black hair and a young girl.
“...”
A landscape from long, long ago.
Arima stayed there for a short while, gazing at that picture.
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mareqmenhona ¡ 5 years ago
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theatredirectors ¡ 7 years ago
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Brandon Woolf
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Hometown?
Port Washington, NY
Where are you now?
Long Island City, Queens, NY (I recently moved back after living in Berlin for six years). 
What's your current project?
There are a few things in process:
In 2017-18, I will be a fellow at LABA, the Laboratory for Jewish Culture at the 14th Street Y. The focus of this residency will be to create a new performance inspired by the five pages of the Babylonian Talmud that tackle the “Messiah.” Psychically stunted by the “what the fuck do we do now?” of our current (geo)political situation, it seems that many (or is it just me?) are hoping, waiting for messiah – in some form or other, religious or secular. Messiah, that mystical political force that will, should, must relieve the pressure of our current chaotic calamity. AND/OR: Messiah, that excuse to do (virtually) nothing while we wait. But what are we waiting for? What should we do while we wait? What beauty arises (or not) out of the ashes of destruction? It all sounds a little serious, no? I mean, is Rabbinic exegesis suitable fodder for performance? We’ll have to see; but it is clear that one major formal challenge of this performance-in-progress is to find the associational meeting points of Talmudic hermeneutics and its pop-cultural-analogues, scenic leanings, cartoonish moments, song-and-dance numbers, etc. The Talmudic text-fragment itself is so rich with dialogue, debate, parable, philosophical reflection, social commentary, apocalyptic conspiracy theory, etc. that it can’t help but provide an exceedingly rich archive of stimuli for a new work of devised performance.
For the last two years, I have also been developing The Summer Way, a new play created with my Berlin-based collaborator Maxwell Flaum. Sequestered in a Tony Soprano-style basement, ravaged by binge consumption of contemporary television and under threat of imminent drone strike, Torn (white) and Timbre (black) wrestle with major issues of the day in an attempt to make a broadcast that “speaks to people.” During the course of their mind-bending skirmishes, the two would-be media gurus come face-to-face with the “Golden Age” of TV in the form of a 1967 broadcast-battle-royale between Norman Mailer and Marshall McLuhan, which quantumly entangles itself into the fabric of their flagging podcast. Torn and Timbre must therefore reckon with a bygone era in the American media when public intellectuals, rock 'n' roll stars, and politicians were all go-go dancing in the same corporate miniskirt; a brazen and audacious time when white people could say just about anything, as long as it was entertaining. This descent into an older, black-and-white America on the brink of a personality crisis, leads to a host of questions Torn and Timbre must face up to: What is the role of the public intellectual in contemporary mainstream culture? And how do we effectively speak to each other without getting bowled over by technological feats of restive schizoid chatter at a Trumped-up time when people will say just about anything? We were Next Stage artists-in-residence at the Drama League with this piece in March 2017, and are currently in workshop to continue developing and refining both the text and the piece’s directorial vision.
A few other things are at the very beginning stages as well: a song-cycle about Black + Jewish relations (in collaboration with Stew) and an olfactory piece of “Culinary Theater” in the “outer” boroughs (in collaboration with Ben Gassman).
Why and how did you get into theatre?
Not sure I can precisely pinpoint one “how” or “why.” It is some mercurial admixture of that first role in the elementary school musical, working on weekends as a cashier at my stepdad’s record store smack in the middle of the theater district, high school and college theater-club-like-activities, and that stumble and fall head-over-heels into the theater and theory of Bertolt Brecht. It was with Brecht that all-things-theater first “really” clicked, and my life took a pretty dramatic turn. Fascinated by the power and the faith he found in the theater as a social practice, I co-founded two performance ensembles – first in Berkeley and then in Berlin. Between 2010 and 2014, Shake im Park Berlin, our playfully (ir)reverent take on the Papp model, created site-specific performances that drew thousands of audience members to Berlin’s Görlitzer Park in order to rethink its dynamic spaces as sites of multi-lingual and inter-cultural performance, (post)dramatic experimentation, and participatory art. Between 2009 and 2011, UCMeP engaged performance as a tactical means of “creative protest” and mobilization against the austerity measures that beset public education in California.  
What is your directing dream project?
My mother served four years in federal prison between 2010 and 2014. During that time, we corresponded mainly by handwritten letter. During that time, we also lost our family home. I dream of (and hope I find the guts) to explore these writings as investigative fodder for a not-yet-existing performance work. I want to put these texts in conversation with related legal documents as well as Brecht’s classic Mother Courage. I want to (re)read his play with my own mother and other mothers I have met whose lives and homes have been (re)shaped by the prison-system and by various financial and housing “crises.” Together we would begin with the question: How might we collaboratively reconstruct tales of Mother Courage, who worked relentlessly to provide for her children by “living off” yet another 30 Years War – for American prosperity, which came to an abrupt close with the housing crisis of 2007?
What kind of theatre excites you?
I say something else about “excitement” and political/civic/social investment below, but from the perspective of the types of theater aesthetics that most excite me, I am drawn to theater practices and artists that/who embrace theater’s fundamental interdisciplinarity. I am deeply invested in modes of performance that de-hierarchize “the story” as the only mode of story-telling. Instead, I understand performance as a productive meeting point of multiple intelligences and media. Performance (through a park, within a protest, at a rehearsal, on a stage) provides an explosive site of parataxis: text and body and environment and music and… Of: simultaneity, dream-image, spectacle, hallucination, intimacy, immediacy, and collage. Of: pop-culture and obsolescence, real and play, aesthetics and ethics. The kinds of work(s) I am most excited about are those which strive to challenge our inherited assumptions: about agency, spectatorship, identity, and community. I am inspired by a theater of big ideas: curious, probing, intransigent (when necessary). I think the great power of performance lies in its capacity to promote and provoke controversy, critique, even discomfort and antagonism, just as much as it promotes and provokes exuberance, laughter, amusement, and joy. And I am deeply invested in the power of irreverence; but an irreverence that serves reverence in an effort to tease out – aesthetically and politically – intangible truths about belonging, collaboration, and civic responsibility. 
What do you want to change about theatre today?
I don’t dare offer prescriptions because, after all, who am I? But here are a few hopes for and dreams about theater as a social practice that are important to me and which I am trying my best to make manifest in my own little way:
As a public laboratory of existential experiments, I believe theater is one of the most vital civic institutions we have. It helps us to reckon with the state of things as they’ve been, but also as they could be. Theater helps us – or even forces us – also to reckon with each other, in our similarity and difference, as a citizenry, and as a public.
I believe that theater makers have a unique opportunity to provoke us all – sometimes gently and sometimes not so gently – to reimagine just what “public” means.
I believe in theater as workshop, as process: never (quite) finished, always fleeting, exploratory, and improvisatory – and yet always also striving for formal precision.
I believe in the power of collaborative ensemble, of the embodied practices of mutual exploration, interdependence, and critical generosity that performance demands and facilitates.
I believe in a theater of desperation – a theater that demands we ask “why are we at the theater?” every time we walk through its doors.
I believe in a theater that demands we reckon with the question: what is essential about live performance – and what does it do that TV or cinema cannot?
What is your opinion on getting a directing MFA?
Since I don’t have an MFA, again, I won’t dare to offer an opinion. Instead of the MFA, I pursued a Ph.D. in Performance Studies from UC Berkeley. While this was a rather (or radically) different path, Performance Studies has helped me in so many ways to understand, clarify, and even experiment with the kind of theater maker I want to be. As an interdisciplinary field, Performance Studies has supported my diverse explorations into both the practice and theory of “performance” in its many incarnations. Performance Studies has also afforded me incredible opportunities to work across languages, cultures, and continents, across different communities of artists and thinkers, across different theater worlds and economies of art.
Who are your theatrical heroes?
An obviously impossible question. But I am teaching a course at NYU this semester on “Experiments in 20th Century Performance,” and here are some of the artists we’ll be spending time with: M. Duchamp, G. Stein, A. Artaud, J. Cage, M. Cunningham, A. Kaprow, Y. Ono, Y. Rainer, C. Schneemann, J. Malina & J. Beck, R. Schechner, S. Sanchez, E. Bullins, J. Grotowski, P. Bausch, T. Kantor, H. Müller, R. Wilson, E. LeCompte & S. Gray, and F. Castorf.
Any advice for directors just starting out?
Since I feel like I am still “starting out” in many ways, I can only say that, for me, to continue to believe in theater is to believe in the enduring persistence of radical possibility.
Plugs!
I’m teaching another course this term that takes us to see theater across NYC every Thursday evening. Here are some of the pieces we’ll be checking out. Maybe we’ll see you at the theater?!
A Doll’s House, Part 2, Groundhog Day, Hear Their There Here, 7 Pleasures, Sam’s Tea Shack, BLACKOUTS, The Siege, The Treasurer, Bronx Gothic, Miracle, Measure for Measure, 17c, The Fountainhead, Home, and Race Card.
There are more words, pictures, music, and video from me at: www.brandonwoolfperformance.com.
And if any of the above resonates with you, and you’re interested in talking further or collaborating on something, please do be in touch.
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totalactionrampage-blog ¡ 8 years ago
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Worst of the worst (of the worst): Battlefield Earth
As anyone who knows me can attest, I have a deep and abiding love for unpleasant experiences. I’ve been known to pull all-nighters when none are necessary, just because I don’t want to sleep. I seldom exercise, but when the mood strikes I’ll go on 40 km walks and return home with knees locking up and feet blistered. When I cook for myself, I make my food spicy to the point of pain. All of this is, of course, is insane. So why do I do this? Because pain provides context for pleasure. Because pain, on some level, is exciting. Because pain reminds you that you’re still alive.
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Battlefield Earth is pain. In rough terms, it is the box that that one Bene Gesserit put Paul Atreides’ hand in. Battlefield Earth is the mind-killer. Battlefield Earth is the little-death that leads to total obliteration.
And I love it. It is wonderful, in its excruciation. Never before or since has a film aimed so high and fallen so low. It is a tale of ambition, hubris, greed, and failure. Battlefield Earth is a Calvinist meditation on the human condition. To watch the film is to experience the pain of Christ as he tread the Via Dolorosa, as John Travolta and Barry Pepper qua the Romans mock you and scourge you. The full weight of every cinematic sin which has ever been committed or will be committed weighs heavily on your shoulders.
And, like the suffering of Christ, Battlefield Earth has a redemptive purpose. There have been bad movies before, and there will be bad movies again; all are dwarfed by the enormity of suck that is Battlefield Earth. One feels oddly at peace, as the experience ends and the tension headache ebbs away. “The sun will rise in the morning,” you think. “There will come another day.” You might even learn a thing or two by watching it.
Join me, then, in finishing the Litany of Fear:
I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where Battlefield Earth has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Shall we begin?
Battlefield Earth opens in the year 3000. For a thousand years, Earth has been under the brutal domination of the Psychlos, a cruel race of dreadlocked alien Nazis kitted out in early-2000s mall goth apparel. The majority of humanity has been enslaved by these raver Klingons. Only a few pockets survive in the wild, where they have been reduced to a stone-age existence. One such specimen of humanity is Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper), our protagonist. As the film opens, Jonnie is leaving his home on a journey of exploration. The audience doesn’t know or care what he’s after; neither does the plot. In short order he is captured by the Psychlos and enslaved.
Terl (John Travolta) is a Psychlo with a problem. As the chief of security for the Earth, he looks forward to the end of his tour of duty, only for the board of directors to extend his deployment another fifty cycles, with endless options for renewal.
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Terl hatches a scheme: he will force his enslaved humans to mine gold for him, so that he can buy his way back home. They seem to spend most of their time sitting around in cages and hitting rocks against other rocks, so honestly his plan seems pretty unimpeachable. Conveniently for the plot, Terl chooses Jonnie to carry out his scheme. He puts him through an advanced learning program, taught by a hologram of an alien with very low self-esteem. In a matter of minutes, Jonnie knows all that there is to know. It’s kind of like if the cast and crew of The Matrix spent a long night huffing gasoline before shooting the “I know kung fu” scene.
The training program, of course, also teaches Jonnie how to pilot spaceships, as well as the history of all the earth, the cosmos and the Psychlo race. Having been given a shuttle, the shiftless and workshy Jonnie decides to bring Terl gold from Fort Knox’s stash rather than going to the effort of mining it himself. Since the writers have basically given up at this point, Jonnie also happens to discover a subterranean US army base fully stocked with inexplicably functional and still-fueled warplanes. Within a week, he has trained all the remaining humans to be combat pilots. Terl suspects something is amiss, and to prove his point he shoots a few cows as the horrified humans look on - planting the seed of rebellion that will be his own undoing.
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The humans put their plan into effect by launching a full-scale attack on the Psychlo base. In the course of the battle, the massive dome the Psychlos have built over Denver is destroyed, and the Psychlos inside suffocate, unable to breathe the Earth’s atmosphere. Since the plot has entirely stopped trying by now, Jonnie finds a teleportation device and transports an atom bomb to the Psychlo homeworld, Psychlo. It detonates in spectacular fashion, exterminating all life. The humans celebrate this act of genocidal planetary annihilation, Terl is locked in the vault of Fort Knox, and at long last the credits roll.
There is so much wrong with this garbage film that one hardly knows where to begin. Though it sounds like the fevered ramblings of a lunatic, I assure you that the plot summary above is 100% accurate. Narrative elements are introduced and then forgotten about in the space of a single scene. Part of this, I assume, was a perceived need to cram in details from the equally nonsensical 1000-page L. Ron Hubbard book the film was adapted from; this was very much a vanity project for the Church of Scientology (on which more later.) But the film is already vastly too long, while (paradoxically) far too short to deal with all the elements it tries to introduce. The dialogue and characters are no better - Jonnie could have been played to satisfaction by an upturned mop with a cutout of Barry Pepper’s face glued on. John Travolta’s performance is at least memorable in its insanity; every scene he’s in crackles with enthusiasm and Very Big Acting. Travolta was having the time of his life, bless his heart.
The film is notorious also for its horrible design. The lighting for most scenes has a queasy quality reminiscent of a laser tag arena after far too much greasy pizza, while virtually every shot is from an extreme Dutch angle. It’s supposed to make the audience feel uncomfortable and disoriented, I would guess, in which case it congratulations are in order because one does indeed feel rather sick after a while. The net effect reminds one of an uninspired nu-metal video. The special effects are mostly executed competently, for the time, and are of the late 90s school of CG where everything looks vaguely like it’s made of Plasticine. Presumably, some talented artists were involved, which is a real shame because the concept art they were tasked with interpreting puts one in mind of nothing so much as the cover art for a Mexican bootleg VHS of Alien. Even the scene transitions are overdesigned and dumb: there are no less than a dozen of those stupid barn door wipes, which were jarring and weird in Star Wars, when handled by a competent editor, and which are physically painful here. I’d recommend accompanying them with the sound of a slide whistle if you have one to hand.
The people to blame for this unspeakable blasphemy of a film are, of course, the Church of Scientology. L. Ron Hubbard considered the book from which the film was adapted as somewhat of a masterpiece, in clear distinction to the portion of humanity who are allowed to handle sharp objects without supervision, and Scientologists were reportedly ordered to buy multiple copies of it when it was released to help it reach the top of the sales charts. Hubbard apparently had Travolta in mind for the role of Terl from the beginning, and after Travolta’s career was revitalized after Pulp Fiction he threatened, cajoled and pleaded until he was able to secure funding for the film:
Battlefield Earth is the pinnacle of using my power for something. I told my manager, “If we can’t do the things now that we want to do, what good is the power? Let’s test it and try to get the things done that we believe in.”
The Church of Scientology got in on the action, too, its members pestering 20th Century Fox to make the film until the studio heads got fed up and sold the rights to Franchise Pictures, a production studio specializing in untouchable vanity projects. With production costs spiraling to a reported $50 million, hype reached such a high that the Church of Scientology sent a giant inflatable Terl on a nationwide tour.
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The success of this film rested on one crucial factor: that it didn’t turn out to be worse than an unanesthetized root canal. Oh, well.
There are reasons to watch this film. That a film like Plan 9 from Outer Space or Troll 2 should have been dreadful was a given: they were shot on a zero-dollar budget, with cardboard sets and props bought from the dollar store, “starring” actors who had never acted before and “directed” by people who had never directed before (and indeed still hadn’t by the end of production.) Battlefield Earth doesn’t have this excuse. A fleet of caterers arrived every morning on set to feed the production. Highly-skilled makeup artists, riggers and lighting technicians toiled away behind the scenes, while some of the biggest stars in Hollywood were in front of the camera. An army of tech artists produced CG assets for this picture, toiling away in obscurity for months in devotion to their art. The film shot was taken to a lab where it was treated by some of the best specialists on earth, meticulously assembled and given form and direction by a small cadre of editors. 50 million dollars were spent, and at the end of it all, Battlefield Earth was the result: a shining monument to failure. This film, which is everything that film shouldn’t be. It is failure. It is ugliness. It is pain.
And without pain, what is pleasure? You can’t afford to miss Battlefield Earth.
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mina-goroshi-blog ¡ 8 years ago
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Worst of the worst (of the worst): Battlefield Earth
As anyone who knows me can attest, I have a deep and abiding love for unpleasant experiences. I’ve been known to pull all-nighters when none are necessary, just because I don’t want to sleep. I seldom exercise, but when the mood strikes I’ll go on 40 km walks and return home with knees locking up and feet blistered. When I cook for myself, I make my food spicy to the point of pain. All of this is, of course, is insane. So why do I do this? Because pain provides context for pleasure. Because pain, on some level, is exciting. Because pain reminds you that you’re still alive.
Battlefield Earth is pain. In rough terms, it is the box that that one Bene Gesserit put Paul Atreides’ hand in. Battlefield Earth is the mind-killer. Battlefield Earth is the little-death that leads to total obliteration.
Tumblr media
And I love it. It is wonderful, in its excruciation. Never before or since has a film aimed so high and fallen so low. It is a tale of ambition, hubris, greed, and failure. Battlefield Earth is a Calvinist meditation on the human condition. To watch the film is to experience the pain of Christ as he tread the Via Dolorosa, as John Travolta and Barry Pepper qua the Romans mock you and scourge you. The full weight of every cinematic sin which has ever been committed or will be committed weighs heavily on your shoulders.
And, like the suffering of Christ, Battlefield Earth has a redemptive purpose. There have been bad movies before, and there will be bad movies again; all are dwarfed by the enormity of suck that is Battlefield Earth. One feels oddly at peace, as the experience ends and the tension headache ebbs away. “The sun will rise in the morning,” you think. “There will come another day.” You might even learn a thing or two by watching it.
Join me, then, in finishing the Litany of Fear:
I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where Battlefield Earth has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Shall we begin?
Battlefield Earth opens in the year 3000. For a thousand years, Earth has been under the brutal domination of the Psychlos, a cruel race of dreadlocked alien Nazis kitted out in early-2000s mall goth apparel. The majority of humanity has been enslaved by these raver Klingons. Only a few pockets survive in the wild, where they have been reduced to a stone-age existence. One such specimen of humanity is Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper), our protagonist. As the film opens, Jonnie is leaving his home on a journey of exploration. The audience doesn’t know or care what he’s after; neither does the plot. In short order he is captured by the Psychlos and enslaved.
Terl (John Travolta) is a Psychlo with a problem. As the chief of security for the Earth, he looks forward to the end of his tour of duty, only for the board of directors to extend his deployment another fifty cycles, with endless options for renewal.
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Terl hatches a scheme: he will force his enslaved humans to mine gold for him, so that he can buy his way back home. They seem to spend most of their time sitting around in cages and hitting rocks against other rocks, so honestly his plan seems pretty unimpeachable. Conveniently for the plot, Terl chooses Jonnie to carry out his scheme. He puts him through an advanced learning program, taught by a hologram of an alien with very low self-esteem. In a matter of minutes, Jonnie knows all that there is to know. It’s kind of like if the cast and crew of The Matrix spent a long night huffing gasoline before shooting the “I know kung fu” scene.
The training program, of course, also teaches Jonnie how to pilot spaceships, as well as the history of all the earth, the cosmos and the Psychlo race. Having been given a shuttle, the shiftless and workshy Jonnie decides to bring Terl gold from Fort Knox’s stash rather than going to the effort of mining it himself. Since the writers have basically given up at this point, Jonnie also happens to discover a subterranean US army base fully stocked with inexplicably functional and still-fueled warplanes. Within a week, he has trained all the remaining humans to be combat pilots. Terl suspects something is amiss, and to prove his point he shoots a few cows as the horrified humans look on - planting the seed of rebellion that will be his own undoing.
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The humans put their plan into effect by launching a full-scale attack on the Psychlo base. In the course of the battle, the massive dome the Psychlos have built over Denver is destroyed, and the Psychlos inside suffocate, unable to breathe the Earth’s atmosphere. Since the plot has entirely stopped trying by now, Jonnie finds a teleportation device and transports an atom bomb to the Psychlo homeworld, Psychlo. It detonates in spectacular fashion, exterminating all life. The humans celebrate this act of genocidal planetary annihilation, Terl is locked in the vault of Fort Knox, and at long last the credits roll.
There is so much wrong with this garbage film that one hardly knows where to begin. Though it sounds like the fevered ramblings of a lunatic, I assure you that the plot summary above is 100% accurate. Narrative elements are introduced and then forgotten about in the space of a single scene. Part of this, I assume, was a perceived need to cram in details from the equally nonsensical 1000-page L. Ron Hubbard book the film was adapted from; this was very much a vanity project for the Church of Scientology (on which more later.) But the film is already vastly too long, while (paradoxically) far too short to deal with all the elements it tries to introduce. The dialogue and characters are no better - Jonnie could have been played to satisfaction by an upturned mop with a cutout of Barry Pepper’s face glued on. John Travolta’s performance is at least memorable in its insanity; every scene he’s in crackles with enthusiasm and Very Big Acting. Travolta was having the time of his life, bless his heart.
The film is notorious also for its horrible design. The lighting for most scenes has a queasy quality reminiscent of a laser tag arena after far too much greasy pizza, while virtually every shot is from an extreme Dutch angle. It’s supposed to make the audience feel uncomfortable and disoriented, I would guess, in which case it congratulations are in order because one does indeed feel rather sick after a while. The net effect reminds one of an uninspired nu-metal video. The special effects are mostly executed competently, for the time, and are of the late 90s school of CG where everything looks vaguely like it’s made of Plasticine. Presumably, some talented artists were involved, which is a real shame because the concept art they were tasked with interpreting puts one in mind of nothing so much as the cover art for a Mexican bootleg VHS of Alien. Even the scene transitions are overdesigned and dumb: there are no less than a dozen of those stupid barn door wipes, which were jarring and weird in Star Wars, when handled by a competent editor, and which are physically painful here. I’d recommend accompanying them with the sound of a slide whistle if you have one to hand.
The people to blame for this unspeakable blasphemy of a film are, of course, the Church of Scientology. L. Ron Hubbard considered the book from which the film was adapted as somewhat of a masterpiece, in clear distinction to the portion of humanity who are allowed to handle sharp objects without supervision, and Scientologists were reportedly ordered to buy multiple copies of it when it was released to help it reach the top of the sales charts. Hubbard apparently had Travolta in mind for the role of Terl from the beginning, and after Travolta’s career was revitalized after Pulp Fiction he threatened, cajoled and pleaded until he was able to secure funding for the film:
Battlefield Earth is the pinnacle of using my power for something. I told my manager, "If we can't do the things now that we want to do, what good is the power? Let's test it and try to get the things done that we believe in."
The Church of Scientology got in on the action, too, its members pestering 20th Century Fox to make the film until the studio heads got fed up and sold the rights to Franchise Pictures, a production studio specializing in untouchable vanity projects. With production costs spiraling to a reported $50 million, hype reached such a high that the Church of Scientology sent a giant inflatable Terl on a nationwide tour.
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The success of this film rested on one crucial factor: that it didn’t turn out to be worse than an unanesthetized root canal. Oh, well.
There are reasons to watch this film. That a film like Plan 9 from Outer Space or Troll 2 should have been dreadful was a given: they were shot on a zero-dollar budget, with cardboard sets and props bought from the dollar store, “starring” actors who had never acted before and “directed” by people who had never directed before (and indeed still hadn’t by the end of production.) Battlefield Earth doesn’t have this excuse. A fleet of caterers arrived every morning on set to feed the production. Highly-skilled makeup artists, riggers and lighting technicians toiled away behind the scenes, while some of the biggest stars in Hollywood were in front of the camera. An army of tech artists produced CG assets for this picture, toiling away in obscurity for months in devotion to their art. The film shot was taken to a lab where it was treated by some of the best specialists on earth, meticulously assembled and given form and direction by a small cadre of editors. 50 million dollars were spent, and at the end of it all, Battlefield Earth was the result: a shining monument to failure. This film, which is everything that film shouldn’t be. It is failure. It is ugliness. It is pain.
And without pain, what is pleasure? You can’t afford to miss Battlefield Earth.
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When Half of NYC’s Tax Base Leaves and Never Comes Back
The separateness in New York, and by extension much of the nation curled around it from America’s eastern edge, stands out. There are the hyper-wealthy and there are the multi-generational poor. They depend on each other, but with COVID who needs who more has changed.
It’s easy to stress how far apart the rich and the poor live, even though the mansions of the Upper West Side are less than a mile from the crack dealers uptown. The rich don’t ride public transportation, they don’t send their kids to public schools, they shop and dine in very different places with private security to ensure everything stays far enough apart to keep it all together.
But that misses the dependencies which until now have simply been a given in the ecosystem. The traditional view has been the rich need the poor to exploit as cheap labor—textbook economic inequality. But with COVID as the spark, the ticking bomb of economic inequality may soon go off in America’s greatest city. Things are changing and New York, and by extension America, needs to ask itself what it wants to be when it grows up.
It’s snapshot simple. The wealthy and the companies they work for pay most of the taxes. The poor consume most of the taxes through social programs. COVID is driving the wealthy and their offices out of the city. No one will be left to pay for the poor, who are stuck here, and the city will collapse in the transition. A classic failed state scenario.
New York City is home to 118 billionaires, more than any other American city. New York City is also home to nearly one million millionaires, more than any other city in the world. Among those millionaires some 8,865 are classified as “high net worth,” with more than $30 million each.
They pay the taxes. The top one percent of NYC taxpayers pay nearly 50 percent of all personal income taxes collected in New York. Personal income tax in the New York area accounts for 59 percent of all revenues. Property taxes add in more than a billion dollars a year in revenue, about half of that generated by office space.
Now for how the other half lives. Below those wealthy people in every sense of the word the city has the largest homeless population of any American metropolis, which includes 114,000 children. The number of New Yorkers living below the poverty line is larger than the population of Philadelphia, and would be the country’s 7th largest city. More than 400,000 New Yorkers reside in public housing. Another 235,000 receive rent assistance.
That all costs a lot of money. The New York City Housing Authority needs $24 billion over the next decade just for vital repairs. That’s on top of a yearly standard operating cost approaching four billion dollars. A lot of the money used to come from Washington before a multibillion-dollar decline in federal Section 9 funds. So today there is a shortfall and repairs, including lead removal, are being put off. NYC also has a $34 billion budget for public schools, many of which function as distribution points for child food aid, medical care, day care, and a range of social services.
The budget for a city as complex as New York is a mess of federal, state, and local funding sources. It can be sliced and diced many ways, but the one that matters is the starkest: the people and companies who pay for New York’s poor are leaving even as the city is already facing a $7.4 billion tax revenue hit from the initial effects of the coronavirus. The money is there; New York’s wealthiest individuals have increased their net worth by $44.9 billion during the pandemic. It’s just not here.
New York’s Governor Andrew Cuomo has seen a bit of the iceberg in the distance. He recently took to MSNBC to beg the city’s wealthy, who fled the coronavirus outbreak, to return. Cuomo said he was extremely worried about New York City if too many of the well-heeled taxpayers who fled COVID decide there is no need to move back. “They are in their Hamptons homes, or Hudson Valley or Connecticut. I talk to them literally every day. I say. ‘When are you coming back? I’ll buy you a drink. I’ll cook. But they’re not coming back right now. And you know what else they’re thinking, if I stay there, they pay a lower income tax because they don’t pay the New York City surcharge. So, that would be a bad place if we had to go there.”
Included in the surcharge are not only NYC’s notoriously high taxes. The recent repeal of the federal allowance for state and local tax deductions (SALT) costs New York’s high earners some $15 billion in additional federal taxes annually.
“They don’t want to come back to the city,” Partnership for NYC President Kathryn Wylde warned. “It’s hard to move a company… but it’s much easier for individuals to move,” she said, noting that most offices plan to allow remote work indefinitely. “It’s a big concern that we’re going to lose more of our tax base then we’ve already lost.”
While overall only five percent of residents left as of May, in the city’s very wealthiest blocks residential population decreased by 40 percent or more. The higher-earning a neighborhood is, the more likely it is to have emptied out. Even the amount of trash collected in wealthy neighborhoods has dropped, a tell-tale sign no one is home. A real estate agent told me she estimates about a third of the apartments even in my mid-range 300 unit building are empty. The ones for sale or rent attract few customers. She says it’s worse than post-9/11 because at least then the mood was “How do we get NYC back on its feet?” instead of now, when we just stand over the body and tsk tsk through our masks.
Enough New Yorkers are running toward the exits that it has shaken up the greater area’s housing market. Another real estate agent describes the frantic bidding in the nearby New Jersey suburbs as a “blood sport.” “We are seeing 20 offers on houses. We are seeing things going 30 percent over the asking price. It’s kind of insane.”
Fewer than one-tenth of Manhattan office workers came back to the workplace a month after New York gave businesses the green light to return to the buildings they ran from in March. Having had several months to notice what not paying Manhattan office rents might do for their bottom line, large companies are leaving. Conde Nast, the publishing company and majority client in the signature new World Trade Center, is moving out. Even the iconic paper The Daily News (which published the famous headline “Ford to City: Drop Dead” when New York collapsed in 1975 without a federal bailout) closed its physical newsroom to go virtual. Despite the folksy image of New York as a paradise of Mom and Pop restaurants and quaint shops, about 50 percent of those who pay most of the taxes work for large firms.
Progressive pin-up Mayor De Blasio has lost touch with his city. After years of failing to address economic inequality by simply throwing free money to the poor and limiting the ability of the police to protect them, and us, from rising crime, his COVID focus has been on shutting down schools and converting 139 luxury hotels to filthy homeless shelters. Alongside AOC, he has called for higher taxes on fewer people and demanded more federal funds. As for the wealthy who have paid for his failed social justice experiments to date, he says “We don’t make decisions based on a wealthy few. Some may be fair-weathered friends, but they will be replaced by others.”
What others? The concentration of major corporations once pulled talent to the city from across the globe; if you wanted to work for JP Morgan on Wall Street, you had to live here. That’s why NYC has skyscrapers; a lot of people once needed to live and especially work in the same place. Not any more. Technology and work-at-home changes have eliminated geography.
For the super wealthy, New York once topped the global list of desirable places to live based on four factors: wealth, investment, lifestyle and future. The first meant a desire to live among other wealthy people (we know where that’s headed), investment returns on real estate (not looking great, if you can even find a buyer), lifestyle (now destroyed with bars, restaurants, shopping, museums, and theaters closed indefinitely, coupled with rising crime) and…
The future. New York pre-COVID had the highest projected GDP growth of any city. Now we’re left with the question if COVID continues to hollow out the city, who will be left to pay for New York? As one commentator said, NYC risks leading America into becoming “Brazil with Nukes,” a future of constant political and social chaos, with a ruling class content to wall itself off from the greater society’s problems.
Peter Van Buren, a 24-year State Department veteran, is the author of We Meant Well: How I Helped Lose the Battle for the Hearts and Minds of the Iraqi People, Hooper’s War: A Novel of WWII Japan, and Ghosts of Tom Joad: A Story of the 99 Percent.
The post When Half of NYC’s Tax Base Leaves and Never Comes Back appeared first on The American Conservative.
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