#& after having watched a couple series now I felt like much less of a beginner! It was much easier to play :))

[littlebirdy0301]

I have officially entered my nerdiest dorkiest era yet so far

[taylorlearnsjapanese]

How did/do I learn vocabulary?

How did/do I learn vocabulary?

This is a question I’m asked quite often and I usually have a different answer each time. The reason is because I have no set way I learn vocabulary. This post will focus entirely on my experience and journey with vocabulary. Grammar will be a topic for another day. ;)

In my opinion, there is no set way to learn vocabulary. I can’t stare at lists and lists of words and suddenly they’re memorized, but I have! I can’t use flash cards because they take too much time, but I have! Kind of see where I’m going with this? I’m the perfect example of an informal or unstructured learner/studier. 

I am a lazy learner. THE LAZIEST. I’m all for fast and easy ways to learn without so much as lifting a finger. Insane, right? Totally. Extremely insane for a beginner like I was. Butttttt, I did it though. Was it smart? Probably not. Did it work? Well… kinda?

I also want to point out that I’ve never studied Japanese in a classroom setting nor have I had tutors to teach me. 

Okay, what I did:

I started learning Japanese on June 11, 2018. I’m going to list the resources I’ve done roughly up to this point in time that this is posted. 

Please don’t take my views on the apps and resources listed as final say. Everyone learns differently and I suggest you try all of these resources out! Things that don’t work for me, may work for you and vice versa.

DuoLingo. It was the only app I really knew of that was credible. I drilled the crap out of that app! That’s how I got my foundations in kana, my first words, and first kanji! 

DuoLingo is good in some ways, but bad in others. It’s perfect for repetition and getting you to think about those words over and over. But that’s also why it’s bad. Each step makes you go through like, what?, four or five tiers or whatever they’re called? By the time you reach that fourth of fifth tier, it’s just annoying to do that pattern over and over again before you can move on. This is just my opinion though, some people thrive off of that. Don’t knock it till you try it, ‘kay? I’ve heard the app has changed some since summer of 2018, so I’ll have to check it out again. 

LingoDeer. Gosh, I love LingoDeer. I really need to use it more. It is the best app ever to introduce you to grammar when you have no idea where to start. 

Workbooks. I got my first workbooks (not textbooks) at the end of June 2018 (I had been learning for roughly 3 weeks by that time). It was Learning Japanese Hiragana and Katakana and Learning Japanese Kanji Volumes 1 and 2, all published by Tuttle. As I worked through the kana book I managed to learn many vocabulary terms from the exercises in the back with the writing exercises (all spelled in hiragana and katakana, there is no kanji in that workbook). I tried and dabbled lightly in the Kanji Vol 1 book, but I wasn’t ready for that just yet back then.

I ONLY used those resources until the end of August 2018 and added Memrise too my list of apps during that time. I gained A LOT of vocabulary knowledge (and some basic grammar but that’s a post for another day) just from using three apps and a kana workbook over two and a half months. 

It was nothing fancy like some people tend to think? I didn’t somehow learn all these words over night.

Textbooks. Genki 1 and it’s workbook was my first ever textbook. This is one of the most widely known textbooks out there for learning Japanese from scratch. Most people know how vocabulary works for that resource. Each chapter introduces vocab and you learn it as you study the grammar and do the exercises.

Um, so, I’m gonna be honest for a second. I HATE TEXTBOOKS. I hate them with a fiery passion. *clenches fist* I stopped using Genki after completing half of the book because I felt like I learned nothing. It just wasn’t the resource for me.

At this point you’re staring hard at your phone, tablet, or computer like WHAT? Yeah… I didn’t hate them at first!! But because of my laziness and informal learning style, I grew to haaaate them. Textbooks are too “cookie cutter” in my opinion. But Taylor, don’t you use one right now? Yes, and let me explainnnnnn. I find that textbooks don’t give you freedom to expand! 

Remember when I asked on Instagram what were some things you’d like me to discuss or talk more about? One user messaged me and wrote,

“How [do] you apply grammar and vocabulary? Because I try to come up with sentences on my own then look up examples of its usage but I continuously use the same type of examples. But when I look at other example there is so much vocab and other grammar structures that go into play that I don’t understand, so it’s hard for me to find a balance that will make me push myself but also know that I can decently understand…”

That’s EXACTLY what I struggled with, with Genki! Textbooks only provide examples for that lesson and the grammar it teaches at that point. So you only know those words (and grammar) in those contexts only. You try to make your own sentences but you end up only using those words and those grammar points over and over. 

There’s simply no opportunity to expand.

Then when you look up other examples you see other new words (and grammar) and it freaks you out because suddenly you don’t feel like you’ve learned anything! This is the e x a c t reason I hate textbooks. 

My answer? For me, I don’t depend on textbooks anymore for vocabulary. They’re amazing for referencing vocabulary and pulling grammar structures, but textbooks only give a limited amount of vocabulary and if that’s all your rely on when learning grammar, it’s going to be rough. It stagnated my learning when I did that. 

When I make my own sentences now, I pull vocab I've been learning from apps, social media, reading, etc. I could go on and on about this, but that’s not the point of this post. I’ll discuss my more of my hatred for textbooks later. Same with grammar and how I make my examples and such. I’ve already gone off on a tangent long enough, hehe. (I hope that answered the above question though! If not, I hope future posts will! Or just message me, lol.) 

Other textbooks I have used after Genki for vocabulary gain is Basic Japanese by Tuttle and the にほんご90日 series.

YouTube. Japanese Ammo with Misa is my love. I love her videos and her personality. Her teaching style is relaxed, but she gets the job done. She has a wide variety of grammar videos along with lots of other videos related to Japanese and Japan.

After my downfall with Genki 1 and some discouragement that led to a nearly three months hiatus of studying, I started using her videos to get the grammar knowledge I needed in January 2019 (I have been learning (counting the hiatus) for about 6 months at this point). 

It’s the perfect things for a lazy learner like me, hehe. I could sit down at my desk and watch one of her videos (they can be anywhere from 8 to 40 minutes long) and watch, pause, and rewind as much as I wanted to write notes with ease. I was learning the grammar I needed to know and learned SO MUCH VOCABULARY. 

She uses common words you find in textbooks, but she also throws in culturally relevant words. She references Pokemon, manga, TV/anime, music, etc, vocabulary all the time! She even teaches the informal/casual variations of words along with formal/polite variations and that’s where I gain so, so, so much vocab! I still use and reference those videos to this day!

PRESENT DAY:

Okay, I just explained what I did to start learning vocabulary from the beginning to about ~5 months ago. I rambled a lot, I know… But did you kind of see the point I was hoping to make? I did not stick to one resource for learning vocabulary (and kanji). 

I didn’t not, nor do I still, learn vocabulary in a “traditional” way. There is no one way to learn everything you need to know. Over that course of time I learn about ~35-40% of my current vocabulary knowledge. Wait… Taylor… You learned ~35-40% of your vocabulary over the course of 10 months, but you’ve learned the other ~60-65% in less than 5 months? Yes, and I’ll explain below~~~

What I mainly use now, app wise, to gain vocabulary knowledge is Memrise, Quizlet (rarely though), Kanji Tree, and LingoDeer. I even use Instagram to learn new vocab too! I follow users who teach vocabulary (and grammar) with their posts. Yes, you will see lots of repeated terms but that’s exposure and review! 

Here are some profiles I really like for introducing vocabulary (new or review): boxofmanga, japanesepod101 (Instagram infographics only), japanese_language_mlc, j_aipon, blue_aoi, and _urabanashi_. 

I also suggest you find native Japanese Instagram users. Not just celebrities or idols. I mean average natives who use Instagram the same way we use our private accounts. I follow larger profiles (500+ followers) for the fact that I don’t want to be a creep and follow someone who only has like 100 or 200 followers. So, I follow some “mommy blog” Instagram's because they tend to use simpler vocabulary when referring to their kids. I also follow some book reviewers, writers, and one guy who loves camping! You get to see lots of natural Japanese this way and it shows common words that are used. I don’t understand a lot of it, but I’m being exposed to the language!

And by now you’re asking, “Okay, but how do you learn vocabulary NOW?” I’m going into N4 if you’re going to look at this from a JLPT stand point, but I don’t only learn strictly N5, N4, N3, etc level material. (That’ll be another post too, lol. Pssst… it’s another “cookie cutter” issue with me.)

Well, those apps mentioned above, obviously, but those only make up about ~30% of my vocabulary gain now. I use my textbook にほんご９０日 Vol 1 as a reference and gain some vocabulary there and I have a couple JLPT related vocab/kanji lists I use too, so that’s like another ~5% of where I get my vocab. 

I get the other ~65% from reading. Yup. Reading. Literally that’s it. I read all the time. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to learn Japanese! 

I have a short story digital bundle I read often from TheJapanShop.com and it’s aimed at beginners and becomes “harder” as you move to the next book and so on. I read through them and when my brain sees a word I know I’m like, “Cool.” But when I don’t know a word I see, I either look it up quick and write it in the margin or I continue on. I learn a lot through context clues. 

Here’s an example sentence from Story Two in Book One of the Japanese Reader Collection offered from TheJapanShop.com. 

「この傘は、雨が降るといつのまにか傘が開き、晴れると傘が閉じている…」

Roughly translated to “This umbrella opened unnoticed when it began raining and upon it becoming sunny the umbrella closed…”

When I read that sentence, I knew all the vocabulary except いつのまにか. The stories have lovely vocabulary guides, so when I looked it up, it said that it meant “before one knows; while unaware” and I took what I knew from the rest of the sentence and managed to learn that new word as a result! This is the best way I could explain how I use reading to expand my vocabulary… ^_^” Just taking what you know and expanding on it over time. I use this same method for grammar, but that’s saved for another post, lol.

I also use NHK New Web Easy to read articles about current events in Japan. It’s set up for native elementary and middle school students so they can read within the kanji and vocabulary they’ve learned so far in life. Guess what? That’s PERFECT for a language learner who has an okay-ish foundation with vocabulary. I learn so much everyday vocabulary that way.

Lastly, I read books and manga. Yup, manga. I don’t use these resources much right now because they’re bigger and more intimidating. I haven’t “officially” started a book but I’ve opened and read passages quite often to sort of test myself. Manga is simpler since there are fewer words than a novel, but they’re bigger than a short story or a news article. You’ve seen on Instagram that I’ve begun reading よつばと！ and so far I’m having a blast! I’ll talk about specific things I’m reading later.

Sooooo…. That’s basically it.

Most of my vocabulary gain now is through exposure to Japanese through social media (bless the internet), reading, and some usage of apps like Memrise and LingoDeer. I use no formal education or study plans or any structure at all. 

My word retention grew to be nearly double these last ~5 months because I built on what I knew and it grew easier and easier for me to learn and retain those words over these last few months. I never believed it, but there is definitely a language hump. Once you crawl over that, things simply become easier. It just takes A LOT of time and effort (and tears) to get over that hump. But, I believe anyone can do it, you just have to be determined and eager enough.

One tip I like to give is to learn through context. Don’t just learn lists of words and kanji. What’s the point? You can recite them, but can you USE them?

Oh, quick thing, I want to point out about how I personally learn vocabulary. I failed to realize this right away when I started learning Japanese, but quickly caught on and now hold onto this belief firmly.

I learn vocabulary and kanji together. 

I do not separate the two. I do not have a separate notebooks for vocabulary and kanji. I don’t even have a notebook at all actually for them, lol. When I post on Instagram that I’m focusing on kanji today, it means I’m just learning vocabulary or reviewing it. The 1026字の正しい���き方 book I use that teaches “kanji” is mainly for vocabulary expansion and how to write those kanji (stroke order). I don’t study the individual meanings of the kanji character, I study the example words it lists. That’s one way on how I’ve been expanding my vocabulary so rapidly.

Kanji is vocabulary. 

Kanji should be treated the exact same way that hiragana and katakana are treated in my opinion. Jokingly, kanji is just fancy kana. ;)

If you “fear” kanji, you’ll have a bad time. I joke and say now when I see an insane kanji or a difficult one, “Damn, that’s some angry squiggles right there.” and it makes learning it that much more enjoyable. :)

For example, 食 means “eat, food.” Okay, cool that kanji has a food related meaning. But I’m not going to do that for thousands of kanji especially since each kanji has multiple readings depending on how it’s used. It’s simply impossible! I found I personally learn better when I learn the kanji in it’s “true” form, aka, in WORDS. 

食べる - to eat / 食べ物 - food / 食事 - meal / 朝食 - breakfast / etc.

Holy crap, not only did I learn the kanji 食 effectively, I learned four words and THREE other kanji! (I’m over dramatic, I know, lol.)

Vocabulary is all interconnected. You can’t learn one thing without stumbling and learning other things by accident. Learning through exposure is the best in my opinion. It’ll be tough to begin with when you don’t know much and it will cause you to doubt yourself and your ability to learn this language. But, just be patient. Learning five, three, or even one word a day is progress.

Small progress eventually builds up to big progress as Yuta says. ;)

Words are meant to be strung together and form sentences for you to read, enjoy, and react to. That’s why books exist. You read those words and sentences and they make you feel warm and fuzzy or cry or laugh. Don’t keep them at an arm's length and treat it like it’s some delicate flower. Language is a not just lists of words, kanji, and grammar points. It’s a culture and way of life for people. Treat it like an old friend and play with it (or go get a beer with it, ya know, whatever gets this point across, lol)!

I tend to treat language learning like I’m a curious five year old. I’m constantly asking questions and discovering new things and it just sparks that fire that makes you want to explore more and more. 

I don’t take it seriously (from an academic view) and that’s why I find some stuff so easy. It only becomes difficult if you make it difficult. Everyone learns differently. There is no one way to learn Japanese and there is no one way to learn specific parts of Japanese. Also, don’t compare yourself! It only ends in self doubt and discouragement. 

Explore and try out all sorts of things. Try out the free apps, read articles online, watch YouTube videos, just do SOMETHING. Don’t look for the “perfect” resource or routine. Just. STUDY. You’ll find in time what works for you and what doesn’t.

Language learning is no race. There is no ribbon or trophy at the end for becoming fluent overnight. Take your time and enjoy the process, you’ll be learning your whole life, ‘kay?

I’ll talk further on how I review it in another post. :)

[roswellroamer]

Day 4. Mt. Cook Village to Nasebey. 355km.

Today we awoke to a steady rain. Oh well. Can't realistically expect to avoid rain even in the drier summer season as we push south and west into the rainy zones of the South Island. The bonus was an end to end rainbow which followed us for over 20 miles as we retreated down the glacier valley to Lake Pukaki. The winds were fierce and as we turned toward Tekapo we struggled to maintain our line on the road. I would guess 45 mph +. Patagonia level stuff. A bit scary at times. With my jacket slightly unzipped due to unexpected warmth (didn't drop below the 50s even up by the glaciers) I felt like the Michelin man who was about to be launched like a kite. We cruised by the stunningly blue lakes and took a bunch of pictures with the full rainbow and then the azure water. Wish the pics were as impressive as in person but they still don't suck. Within 5 miles we were out of the heavy rain and skirted drizzle for much of the day. A slight concern for the pannier's ability to stay dry after it seemed there was some water upon loading this AM. However we have dry duds after the day so all appears fine for now. Western rain in feet may yield a different result but fingers crossed. We were told to get gas every 250kms to avoid an issue. We ended the day about 240 kms on our tanks from Geraldine. We cut it a bit too close as we were on reserve counting up to 26kms on reserve. I believe the 800 holds 16 liters and the bikes took 15.5l. 😅 With fuel fears allayed we found a bakery in Tekapo and also lots of REI type campers, trekkers, vacationers. I had a banana cake and a steak/mushroom pie (I could get accustomed to these pies!) and a chocolate milk. Not a classic Kiwi breakfast but good for me!

Now, we endeavored to find our first unpaved route today. We had been told that a couple of passes were fun and so we routed ourselves from Tekapo to the road that aimed us up a valley and toward Hakataramea pass. A guy on a KLR pulled up alongside as we took a photo and he said he was going to ride through the same two mountain unpaved passes we had selected. He would show us the way. Off we went but in short order he was well ahead of us. He had a provisional license (beginner, provisional with a max of 650cc, then full) but was a dirt rider and we only saw him once more. As the road became windier and a series of 6-7 stream crossings occurred we then wound to the top of a low altitude peak and there is a gate there. You need to open and close it behind you. He was waiting for us there. Nice guy. However we never saw him again! We descended while taking in some dramatic scenery and taking quite a few picture stops. It wound out into some fine farmland and then into the biker town of Kurow. There were dozens of dirt bikes there. Apparently we were in the midst of the Vincent rally. Around 180 dirt bikes cruising through this fun part of NZ. We sat with a few guys from Australia on KTM, Yamaha & Suzuki who were enjoying more technical stuff than we were attempting! I had another pie there. Butter chicken, yum. Now we took a few turns in figuring out the way towards Duntroon and we stopped at some Maori rock paintings while getting our bearing to find the turnoff to Danseys pass. We were told there was a bar there so off we went! There was a mini-pass then a descent prior to heading to the top of Danseys. Bridges were largely paved over the water crossings on this leg and then right back to gravel. The views were beautiful and the ride was a good fun. Enough slipping and sliding but not too much! Very windy following the hills. Two thirds of the way down we discovered the Danseys Inn and pulled in for a beer. This is after I walked into the owner's house thinking it was the bar. I mean they did have a covered outside bar complete with a row of bar stools and a large wooden vat that appeared to be at one time used for brewing. And the crowning touch was the wooden bucket on the porch full of empty Speight bottles 🍺. As soon as I opened the door the large dog of the house wanted to get out and I saw the living room. Oops. He was very friendly but didn't want to be put back in the house. Fortunately he resisted only with his considerable weight and not his teeth. I had a good story to tell the very nice owner who was seated at the bar. Turns out the owner of the Royal Hotel was also there as we made his acquaintance again later in the day as he runs the only establishment in Naseby that is open for food and drink on a Sunday afternoon after 4PM. Nice guy. Two minor tennis frustrations so far... One that I completely forgot about the Australian Open when booking. Had I thought about it I would've been able to route here through Melbourne and enjoyed a day or two of AO tennis. Wasn't on my radar when making plans six months ago. Two, now I am also unable to watch the open. So much closer here but after CHC, the rural TV lineup hasn't allowed viewing of the last rounds. Missed Kenin's win and set the alarm to watch the men's final this evening but again to no avail. Looks like I missed an instant classic 5 setter and Djokovic prevailed. Oh well!

No noise here but the birds and the breeze. There are some groups of cyclists here who are riding the 93 mile Otago Central Rail Trail. The walk to and from the Royal Hotel brought us by a motorcycle enthusiast's shop with a few interesting vintage bikes including a Ducati Mach 1 and a cherry Benelli. The park we passed also boasted some huge trees which may be redwoods and are from California. Naseby is so quiet because after the gold mining period here (1863-1940) the Otago rail line bypassed the town and now there are lots of historic buildings but not very many people. During the height of the gold rush there were nearly 4,000 people here, now the number of permanent residents is less than 100.

[chelledoggo]

[101 Dalmatian Street] Yoga? Guess I’m Down, Dog. [FANFIC]

summary: Dolly reluctantly fulfills a promise to her brother Deepak to try yoga with him.

genre: slice-of-life, oneshot

rating: all-ages

content warnings: none

It was a warm summer morning on Dalmatian Street. Mum Delilah and Dad Doug were fortunate enough to both have the day off, leaving the eldest Dalmatian siblings to do as they pleased.

Well, mostly.

Before Dolly could commence with her day of leisure, she had to fulfill a promise she made to one of her young siblings.

She sat in the backyard on a blue yoga mat, positioned parallel to another one on which her little brother Deepak sat in a lotus position, smiling with calm eagerness at his older sister.

“Thanks again for agreeing to try some yoga with me today, Dolly,” Deepak said graciously. “It really means a lot to me.”

“Heheh...No problem, lil’ bro,” Dolly replied sheepishly. “Wouldn't miss it for the world!”

That was very clearly an exaggeration, however. She didn't exactly want to be here right now. On a day like this, she would typically be hanging out with Roxy and Snowball at the park. But she did promise, and Deepak was such a sensitive little guy. How could she possibly say no?

Deepak could detect the hesitancy in Dolly's voice, and gave her a reassuring look.

“I know you prefer a more high-energy lifestyle, and that's fine,” he stated. “But I think it would do you a world of good to slow down and relax every so often.”

“Yeah. I hear ya, I guess,” Dolly replied, glancing aside a bit. She then looked back at her brother and put on a convincing smile. “Besides, you and I don't spend enough time together, so I guess this is a nice change, right?”

Deepak smiled and nodded. “Absolutely. Let's start, okay?”

He closed his eyes and was silent for a moment, channeling his “inner zen master.”

“...Let's begin with a basic breathing exercise. This will help to ease into the breathing pattern for the rest of the lesson.”

Deepak now spoke in a soft, somewhat whispery tone, as an instructor in a cheesy new-age yoga video might.

Dolly couldn't help but smirk a little. It was kinda cute how seriously he was taking his role as a teacher.

“Close your eyes,” he continued. “Begin slowly inhaling through the nose into your abdomen.”

The two dalmatians inhaled slowly in unison.

“...And quietly exhale through your mouth, letting the air flow out like a gentle breeze.”

This process was repeated for a few minutes. Dolly was already becoming restless from sitting still for this long.

It's for Deepak...It's for Deepak… she repeated in her head, as if it were her own personal mantra.

“And now,” Deepak announced soothingly, “let's move onto the Sun Salutation.”

Deepak brought himself up onto his haunches and placed his front paws together.

“We begin in Mountain Pose…” he began.

Dolly clumsily brought herself up and mirrored her brother's action.

Deepak continued leading his sister through the series of poses several times. The first couple of times were a bit awkward for Dolly, but she eventually got into the groove of it.

After a few Sun Salutation repetitions, Deepak continued with various beginner-level poses. Dolly seemed to be catching on well with them.

However, the young pup began to notice that his sister didn’t really seem to be enjoying herself. She didn’t seem relaxed like he had hoped she would. She was more or less just going through the motions; staring off into the distance with an expression that seemed to say ‘When can I get out of here?’

Deepak began to feel a bit disheartened. All he wanted was for the two of them to relax and spend some quality time together, but now it seemed like it was just another chore for his sister.

Just then, Deepak had an idea. Perhaps he knew how to appeal to her silly, fun-loving side yet.

He suppressed a smile and continued on with his solemn yogi persona.

“Now, we’ll move on to Lion Pose,” he instructed. “Be sure to watch and follow very closely, as this pose can become complicated.”

“Heh...okay, lil’ bro,” Dolly smirked.

Deepak shifted into a kneeling pose with his front paws on the ground in front of him, as if he were about to howl. His sister followed suit.

“Inhale slowly…” Deepak lifted his head back as he took a breath in, as did Dolly.

“...and…HAAAAAAAH!!”

Deepak and Dolly’s faces were now contorted into a wide-eyed, gape-mouthed expression. Their tongues hung out of their mouths as if it were a hot day, and their eyes were rolled upward as if trying to see their own foreheads.

They both turned their heads to get a better look at the other’s comical expression. There were a few seconds of silence.

“...Pffff....Bfffft...BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!” Dolly burst out into hysterical laughter at the sight of her little brother. She began rolling over onto her mat as tears of hilarity began running down her face.

Deepak dropped the “zen master” act and began giggling as well. His idea worked better than he could’ve hoped, and it warmed his heart to see Dolly finally enjoying herself.

The rest of the lesson was much more casual and humorous. Deepak ceased talking to his sister like a yoga instructor, instead speaking to her like a best friend. They cracked a few jokes, had some lighthearted conversation, made a few animal noises when a pose came up that was named after an animal, and laughed a lot.

It was a bit unorthodox when compared to Deepak’s idea of a serene yoga session. But, nevertheless, it was relaxing for him, in a strange way.

But more importantly for him, his sister seemed to finally feel really relaxed as well. That’s all he really wanted for her.

The two dalmatians plopped onto their backs on their mats, breathing a sigh of happiness.

“Are you ready for the ending Savasana?” Deepak asked.

“Sure, Deepak,” Dolly replied with a smile. “I gotta say, though...I wasn’t expecting to enjoy myself this much. Once I was able to let loose and have a little fun, I really did feel relaxed...Like, probably the most chilled-out I’ve ever felt. I’m glad you and I got to hang out like this today, lil’ bro.”

Deepak’s face beamed at Dolly’s sentiments. “I’m really glad, too,” he replied. “Thanks so much for spending this time with me, Dolly. It’s wonderful to see you so at peace.”

The two pups leaned their heads back and closed their eyes. Deepak then began to narrate their meditation.

“...Just allow yourself to feel like a puppy again. Feel the warmth of the sun on your face and belly. Listen to the wind softly rustling the leaves and the grass. Allow the loving energy of the universe to envelop your being as you drift deeper and deeper into complete relaxation...And--”

Deepak was interrupted by the sound of snoring next to him.

Surely enough, Dolly was so relaxed, that she quickly fell asleep.

Deepak chuckled softly. “Good idea, sister,” he whispered. “A nap does sound nice right about now.”

He laid his head back down and allowed himself to drift off to sleep.

Meanwhile, back in the house, Dylan was about to head out to his treehouse in the backyard. He was about to open the back door when he caught sight of the two pups napping side-by-side. He chortled quietly as he observed.

“Pssst! Mum! Dad!” Dylan beckoned to his parents. “You’ve gotta come see this!”

Delilah and Doug walked over to the back door, along with about a dozen pups, and began positively gushing at this adorable sight.

“Doug, darling!” Delilah whispered. “Quick! Get the camera!”

[wonder-wonpil]

flower crowns ; kwp

genre : fluff

note : mafia au which is vv cute !

The sharp scent and bright colors from the flower shop on the corner of the cafe was unmissable. On the counter of the shop sat a girl, with the same coffee cup that Wonpil had in his hand as she sipped her latte, fingers delicately weaving the flowers. 

The redhead (dyed) stared at the way her fingers carefully twisted the flowers, the way her eyebrows scrunched in a frown and her tongue slightly sticking out of her lips as she worked on the nth flower crown that day with full concentration.

Wonpil was on coffee duty that day, which meant buying coffee for himself and four other men. This was a cafe that he personally preferred and frequented for their delicious aroma and aesthetic latte art, and for the pretty florist that he hasn't gotten the courage to talk to since the first time she caught his attention, but never returned it as she was always too busy crafting flower crowns.

Why, you may ask, a person as good looking as he was very nervous to approach said florist? Because 1) he was just shy in general, and he was afraid of the teasing that will come by, and 2) he was a part of the local, not-to-be-taken-lightly mafia gang DAY6. DAY6 itself was a group pledged under the JYP Alliance. So even if DAY6 weren't already chaotic themselves, they had other well-known groups such as GOT7, TWICE, and so on to watch their backs.

So, even though he stopped by the cafe at least twice a week, he only stared at her from afar as the waiter asked for his name repeatedly, finally snapping out of his trance when the waiter raised his voice as Wonpil stammered out his name while fumbling for his wallet. It was always the same routine.

That was, until Wonpil took Dowoon, his trusted and closest companion in the group after a long day of work along with him. This time, the glances at her way lessened, as Wonpil tried to focus on the conversation with Dowoon - it was less noticeable, yes, but as a sniper, Dowoon had a sharp eye. Following Wonpil’s line of sight after he had spaced out on yet another conversation, he had to admit that Wonpil had a good eye, too - a good eye for women, that is.

The corners of Dowoon’s lips formed a cheeky smile as he turned back to Wonpil, who was staring oh-so-fondly at the florist. Calling him out for staring, a small tint of red covered Wonpil’s face as he tried to deny Dowoon’s - quote unquote - ‘false accusations’, but to no avail as Dowoon already caught up on Wonpil’s crush on her.

“Have you tried talking, maybe?” Dowoon suggested when Wonpil finally admitted that he’s been watching her for a while now. Wonpil let out a nervous laugh, fingers tapping on his cup as he let out a strangled, “Uh, no?”

Dowoon stared at him in utter disbelief, but decided to tone the judgement down a tad bit since he would know what it would feel like had he been the one in Wonpil’s shoes. Dowoon then leaned back on his seat with a groan, “Come on, be a little braver. How bad can it be, anyway? Just act as if you want to buy flowers or something.”

Despite his series of protests, Wonpil would be lying if he said he wasn’t intrigued by the idea of talking to her. So a few days later he found himself pushing the cafe doors open, instantly met with the sharp scent of Americano and roses - which oddly mixed well. 

He contemplated of buying her coffee - would that be weird? Maybe, if it was the first time that he met her. So instead, he changed his route straight towards the florist, who was once again weaving flower crowns.

She was wearing her usual expressions, but Wonpil felt taken aback of how truly beautiful she was up close - almost lost his composure. The sound of his uneven heartbeat rang through his ears as he tried his best to ignore the urge to just walk back home and sleep as if all of this never happened. But the way she slipped a strand of hair behind her ear just captivates him, and he stood still.

Spacing out for the nth time that day, when he noticed her curious stare at him, he then blurted out, “Nice flower crowns. They’re very pretty.” and immediately regretted it when she stared at him with an unreadable expression - somewhat a mix of shock and pride?

That was, before the corners of her lips twitched up in a smile as she clapped her hands, “Thank you! I worked really hard on each one of them.”

I know, Wonpil thought, but it’d be creepy if he had said that. So he settled with a small mutter of, “It looks very detailed, indeed.” to which the florist smiled even wider, if that was any more possible. All these times Wonpil has only seen her smile from afar, and to see her this up close really took away his ability to speak properly.

“Yeah, they’re a good source of income for corner shops like this,” she told him with a small hum. “Usually couples adore them.”

“I can see why,” he nodded, carefully lifting one up to inspect it further. “Um, anyways, do you have gardenias? And a vase to go with it, maybe?”

Her eyes lit up again - Wonpil took that as a good thing as she disappeared behind one of the  many racks of flowers before walking back out with a blue vase that vesseled the white flowers he requested for, “How’s this?”

“Perfect,” he mirrored her smile. She punched the cashier machine and Wonpil handed her the  amount of money needed. Then she leaned on the counter as Wonpil held the purchased items in his hands.

“So, secret love, huh?” She teased, this time a mischievous grin playing on her soft features. Wonpil blushed, stuttering for an excuse before she laughed, “I’m joking, it’s okay. I think the language of flowers are really special. Besides, it’s not like I’ll remember your name or your face. I have a short memory span.”

The thought pained him a little, so he offered her his name, “Wonpil. My name’s Wonpil, and they’re not really for anyone,” he let out a nervous, choked laughter. “Just for decorations.”

A sense of indecipherable expression once again flashed across her face - it frustrated him how unreadable she was, even when he was supposed to be an expert at it - at the mention of his name. Reality struck through him and he feared that his identity was exposed. DAY6 wasn’t unheard of. Now what if she thinks he’s a creep?

“Sure, that’s what everyone says these days,” she smirked. “Have fun with your decorations. And thanks for stopping by.”

The red in his cheeks never lessened as he denied once again, and she laughed. After saying his thanks, Wonpil went back to their hideout and carefully set the vase on his desk as he softly admired the flowers he chose randomly - well, he did some research of what flowers would be pretty to lighten up his room, and stumbled across the gardenias - but it wasn’t like he knew the language of flowers.

Being a member of the mafia wasn’t all fun and games. It actually takes up a lot of his time, and every plan has to go through smoothly. Basically, it builds up stress for the young man.

A week later, Wonpil found himself feeling frustrated after one particularly frustrating mission where his target almost slipped through his hands. As he walked out of the washroom with a towel over his neck as he dried his hair, his eyes landed on the white gardenias that was peacefully sitting on the vase, despite the visible splotches of brown - a sign that they’ve dried, despite the watering that he’s properly given to them.

A rush of calmness ran through him - a sense of peace, of reassurance that he was still human, when he set eyes on those flowers. They reminded him of her. But the flowers were still beautiful even when they have dried - he guessed that everything dies in the end, anyway. It was inevitable, and he knew that. So Wonpil found himself visiting the same shop again.

“Oh, it’s you again,” she greeted him, an expression of familiarity crossing her features as she set the flower crown she was working on aside, dusting off the bits and pieces of the flowers. “Wonpil, right?”

His heart thumped like concert drums in his chest as he did an internal victory dance - she had remembered him! Unable to stop the smile creeping up his face, he nodded furiously. “Yeah, but you haven’t given me yours.”

She gasped before introducing herself. Wonpil etched all of this information in his mind, as it sure would come in handy one day. She was babbling something about how much she adored flowers, hence the profession, but Wonpil didn’t mind - he was too infatuated with her voice, the way it sounded like music in his ears.

She stopped abruptly, “Sorry, I tend to talk too much. Anyways, you’re here for…?”

“Right,” Wonpil shifted his weight to the other leg, hand rubbing the back of his neck in nervousness. “If you want to start, say, a small garden in your room, what plants do you reccomend?”

Her eyes lit up, “If you just started, I recommend cactuses. They don’t require quite as many attention as other house plants, perfect for beginners.”

Wonpil’s mouth made an ‘O’ shape as he oohed before nodding enthusiastically as she giggled, disappearing behind the many racks of plant as she came back with variants of cacti in small pots, which really couldn’t be bigger than her own hand. 

Wonpil just noticed that her hand had small scratches, some covered with bandages, the fresh ones left to be, and he frowned. Was it from the many flower crown weavings?

Scanning the cactuses, he chose the one that looked like the desert cacti - but tinier. He found it adorable, and she stated the price.

“Say, if you’re really really interested in starting a small garden,” she began as she took a piece of paper and started writing, “You can text me.”

And she handed him the piece of paper with her number on it.

“Or, if you don’t, you can text me anyway.” she shrugged.

Wonpil definitely hit the jackpot.

“C-can I take you out for coffee sometime?” he asked her sheepishly, and she let out the melodic laugh that Wonpil oh-so-adored.

“Sure,” she leaned on the counter. “I look forward to seeing your texts.”

Butterflies were the only explanation for the ticklish feeling in his stomach.

[sunnysynthsunshine]

9th Comedy Monologue

“Hey comrades”

“How are you now that summer is upon us?”

*listens to the responses*

So a lot has happened, Endgame happened and the BAFTA’s happened and lots of other stuff happened

The BAFTA’s were disappointing and some jokes lasted too long….like the joke I’m telling right now

Endgame though, cue to the part where I skip spoiling the film for people who still haven’t seen it

There was a scene where Ant-man….lost a taco

*melodramatically tries to look sad*

I know, very emotional scene, it looked like a such a good taco luckily Hulk shared his instead

Thor though, boi I have something to say about Thor,

Thor should be nominated for Queer Eye,

That is all

apparently, the guy that did Gangnam Style, PSY was inspired by Queen to start performing

speaking of music stars I learnt that Bowie once got struck in the eye with a lollipop during a Norway gig

“Ouch” but despite that, he continued on extending the gig

Legend,  he also did a radio theatre concert, the year before my birthday and way before that Labyrinth was released, then again goblins are getting quite popular again

I am goblin kin

iconic, so...

Way back in 2011 I made my first youtube channel and I made my own series of youtube stories with my dolls think a cheesy sitcom version of Toy Story about a place called DreamLand which was an "afterlife/home for fictional characters".

It was about the adventures of Pauline Super Mario's first girlfriend before Peach, and how she lives in DreamLand with the girls she adopted, however, I was a beginner when it came to writing and comedy so it was similar in tone to Disney teen sitcoms

the characters were Lexa, Merlin, Avery, Ava, Scarina, Snow Bow, Mako, Emily, Lucky, Felica, Emma and Marshmellow, I had a sad backstory for most of them but most of them also already had established names so only a few were original characters mainly it was just Pauline, Lexa, Merlin, Avery, Scarina and some others, but in the story versions there was Ava, Snow Bow and a couple more

I wanted it to be a big production with lots of sets but I couldn't afford all the "props" I wanted at the time (I was also a bit of a brat who would make Christmas lists that were like 4 pages long so I grew out of it)

I also paraded DreamLand like it was the best thing since sliced bread and it wasn't, the production was not good and I used an iPod to record and the camera was almost always shaky

I also had a multiverse movie thing planned that would involve the Mario characters but that couldn't happen, back then I focused more on the stories, backstories and props rather than the character development, personalities and camera movement

on one hand, it taught me early skills about story writing and short film making but boi a lot of the dialogue was cringy, and the characters weren't made with much personality.

     this was also when my "American sounding voice" had started to show and I was still a young teenager who at times had a very high voice

I felt a bit ashamed of having made the series until I watched one of Charlie Brooker's programmes and after learning that other producers and directors have done similar small scale productions with their toys and action figures as kids that's made me feel less bad about that

It was a multiverse small scale youtube series that referenced Nintendo, Bratz and My Little Pony with characters that mixed between being Original and being reinterpretations of already established characters

And the dialogue for this series, My Goodness it was cringy

I would mispronounce genre as Jenner and….the first episode involved a talking toothbrush, not just any talking toothbrush, a Fred figglehorn toothbrush, the kid who did youtube videos of him screaming in a chipmunk voice, No wonder I’d get into the young ones later in life with its cutaway gags and surreal themes

Or in the scene that references Clockwork Orange the character, Scarina is being held captive by the character Yasmina who says “I went to medical school but I'm not a doctor”  how my 12-year-old self came up with that I’ll never know

My early youtube influences were quite mixed I’d watch film and video game critique channels, makeup gurus and animators

In fact, one of them actually unexpectedly noticed me on twitter a month ago

It was another post I made about asking my viewers about what famous people they think I resemble or look like

And the youtuber said One of those guys from the vintage TV show “The Young Ones”

That made my day

The former youtuber was Mike Mozart, he was a reviewer of vintage and notoriously bad toys, he also was one of the first people to get involved in spreading awareness of the copyright controversies going on at the time, he’s also a part-time graffiti artist, one of my idols

Another youtuber who has recently noticed me was Blaire White

She made a post about the current  beauty guru drama

I'm sorry but all these Beauty Influencers have the easiest job. All y'all had to do was blend some eyeshadow and collect your millions but you choose to cause WW3 instead.   

I responded it's not world war 3 it's world war tea

She simply laughed in her response, the last I recall “world war tea” being said was when people were commenting on an old Tumblr post that advertised a large jug of Tea next to several McNuggets

..in other news Tommy Robinson and other twits have got milkshake spilt on them...

the year is 2019

World War Tea is upon us

makeup gurus causing a dumpster fire

while comrades fight fascists and Nazis with eggshells and milkshakes

keep the milkshakes coming bois

And Burger King thinks they can join in on the fun…

*pauses folding my hands*

They don’t want to wave a red flag they just want your money, and if you think that’s bad over in the us,they’re also making mental health a theme in some of their new meals, the  hashtag feel your way campaign…

Ugh, absolutely soulless

Like what’s going on in America right now...

I’ll say this, the one good thing you can take from Clockwork Orange

is the message about the importance of one's right to choose

Now, my fellow droogs what choice will you make?

[myneighborhood-thelake]

Davis Double Century, May 2001

The short of it:

Two hundred miles is a really, really long way to ride a bike.

Ride:         Davis Double Century (http://www.davisbikeclub.org/ddc/2001/index.htm)

When:       Saturday, May 19, 2001.

Route:       Loop course from Davis, through Napa, Solano, Lake and Colusa counties, back to Davis

Distance:   197.6 miles (by my computer)

Time:        16 hours 34 minutes total clock time, 12 hours 35 minutes bike time

Average Speed:       15.7 MPH

Max Speed:        46.5 MPH

Weight Loss:           14 pounds   (195 pre ride, 181 post ride)

This was my first double century, and it was a great and incredibly tough experience. The Davis Bike Club puts on a great ride. It’s very well supported and well marked. Compared to other California doubles, the Davis Double has less climbing and more frequent rest stops which makes it a great first time double, so they say.

That said, it was still 200 miles in the saddle on a very hot day.

Lesson Lived:  Slow and steady.

Lesson ‘I would like to’ Learn: I need to train for these things. With only 157 road miles under my belt in 2001 and about 50 in 2000, this was a big jump in miles.

I started in the dark at 4:50am and finished in the dark at 9:34pm. I always knew that ultra-cyclists were a tough breed, but this gave me some new respect. There is a series in California called the Triple Crown where you have to finish three double centuries in one year. Per the Triple Crown website Davis is listed as a good beginners double century “with only three moderate hills.” If those hills are moderate, then I don’t want to see anything tougher! I salute anyone who has accomplished the Triple Crown. One 200 miler was tough enough for me. Three or more in one year is amazing.

About the course: the first 45 miles are flat, the next 90 are hilly with three tough climbs and the last 65 are supposedly downhill. By the time I hit mile 135 I needed much more than a 1% downgrade to help me along. My cadence had slowed dramatically, and everything was focused on staying hydrated and fueled in order to have the energy to finish. At that point it all felt like an uphill to me. I was very glad that it was downhill, but it just didn’t feel like it.

For the most part I only thought about 2 minutes ahead at all times. I focused on the here and now, and that really helped. The hills were going to come no matter what, so why worry about them?

I only got worried once, around mile 167, when I saw a line of hills in the distance. I could only think, “please, don’t make me try and climb those hills. I won’t make it.” Luckily I was able to forget about the hills because at mile 167 I had the attention span of a gnat. By the time I started worrying I forgot about what was causing me grief. And the road turned before we had to do any severe climbing

The day was very, very hot. The forecast high was for 90deg, but there had to be a couple of sections on the course that got close to triple digits. By the end of the ride both my jersey and shorts had a coating of white on them from all of the salt that I had sweated out. The fluids on the course were Gatorade and water, and I took one Thermotab per hour. I don’t know if the salt tablets actually help or not, but I tend to do much better when I use them.

I did my best to stay within myself and hold a pace that I knew I could handle. I rode the first 100 miles in about 7 hours and 10 minutes and the second 100 in 9 hours and 24 minutes. I took naps at rest stops 5, Lunch (6.5) and 9, and I pulled of the road and took a break several times during the ride.

The only “low” point came at mile 170 when I wanted to keep riding but my legs had absolutely nothing left in them. I took a break by the side of the road, watched a bunch of people go by, ate some Gu, drank a bunch of water and recovered for a while. Other than that I just kept plugging along. It wasn’t pretty, but it was fairly steady, and I got the job done.

The weirdest part of the ride came at Rest Stop #7, mile 133, the top of Resurrection which is the toughest hill on the course. I was sitting on the ground and I noticed that my calves were moving. Both calf muscles were pulsing and twitching all by themselves. They almost looked like a heart pumping away. I have no idea what it meant as I never cramped and they pulsated for the next 4 rest stops and 67 miles, but I made damn sure to keep my fluids and electrolytes intake up. If anyone knows why muscles just start pulsating at will, I would love to hear the answer. It was very disturbing to watch.

After Rest Stop #10, mile 178, I got a bit barn sour and pushed pretty hard to get to the finish line. I just wanted to get it over with. This is probably where I did the most damage to myself as I forgot to drink for almost an hour. For most of the ride I could eat and drink, but at the end I could not even stomach solid food which for me is a major sign of dehydration. The post-ride shower felt incredible even if it was hard to stand up for more than 5 minutes at a time.

I knew that I couldn’t make it home that night, so I found a hotel and passed out cold. I think that the waitress at IHOP was a little shocked when I asked for extra sour cream with my omelet, but I deserved it!! What’s a few grams of fat when you have just lost 14 pounds……..

The long of it:

Goals: - complete as much of the ride as possible - stay within a manageable pace - don’t bonk, or at least don’t bonk hard

I have thought about the Davis Double Century (DDC) for several years now. For some reason it sounded like a good challenge, and after last weekends incredible century, the I Care Classic, I chose to take the plunge. My road miles over the last two years totaled 157 pre-DDC,  and my MTB miles probably ran about 100 or so. I had to reset my computer, so I lost count of my annual total. Basically, by completing the DDC I almost doubled my total mileage for the year.

NOTE: undertraining for a double century is not cool.

I left work at about 4:30pm on Friday to drive up to Davis. I figured that it would take me about 2 hours, but with SF Bay Area traffic I was on the road for 3 solid hours arriving at the check-in at 7:30pm. I had planned well for the drive and did my best to eat and hydrate. The forecasted high for Saturday was 92deg F, and I knew that I would need to be well hydrated.

Check-in took all of about 15 seconds. The Davis Bike Club is extremely well organized. After picking up my registration envelope I drove out to my hotel, checked in, unloaded my gear and turned on the room air-conditioner. It was about 8:15pm and even though the sun was setting it was still very warm. Tomorrow was going to be a challenge.

Time for dinner, and where else to eat but Denny’s? For some reason I was looking forward to the processed hamburger that they call chicken fried steak. My pre-race meal was deep fried battered chicken fried steak and instant mashed potatoes smothered in gravy and a side of peas (soaking in butter). It may not sound like the best choice, but I was going to need the salt and calories in the morning. Plus it tasted pretty darn good.

Saturday morning.

The alarm went off at 3:30am. According to the literature the ride starts from 5:15am to 5:45am, and I want to be there right when we can start. I knew that it was going to be a long, hot day, so I wanted to get a few miles in before the sun comes up. I grabbed a cup of coffee at Denny’s, ate a banana and a Gu, packed up the car and drove the 9 miles to the starting line.

I arrived at the ride HQ, Davis Senior High School, at about 4:35am, and there were people already heading out. It turns that ride morning registration is open from 5:15am to 5:45am, but if you check in the night before you can head out anytime you want. On the course I met a tandem couple who had started out at 4:15am, and after the ride I talked to a volunteer who said that people were riding as early as 3:00am. You can start anytime that you want just make sure to bring lights and remember that the first rest stop (22.9 miles) opens at 5:30am.

Clothing had been a big concern for me. What should I wear? How much extra should I bring? The sun was not even up yet, and I was very comfortable in my sleeveless bike jersey (read: already warm).

Oh man, it’s gonna be hot today, so I chose to go with my sleeveless jersey. I put a pair of arm warmers into a jersey pocket just in case. That would be “just in case” I wanted to carry some extra weight around the course because I wasn’t going to need any cool weather gear today. I hustled to pump up my tires and clip on my lights, and I was rolling at 4:50am.

4:50am – the beginning:

Miles 0 to 2

The first mile or two is through town, and I was grouped up with about 5 other riders. This was OK because they were holding a decent pace, and they had better lights than my cheap Cateye. I don’t like riding in pacelines with people I don’t know, but I relaxed my rule for a little while. Soon we were out into the farmlands.

Miles 2 to 23

The first few turns are well marked and there are volunteers out (even at 5:00am) to waive you in the right direction. I carried a course map with me, but that was more for general info and knowledge of upcoming terrain because I never looked at it for directions.

After about 8 miles I chose to peel off of the paceline, and they dropped me in short order. The sky was getting lighter and the course is really well marked, with volunteers at most of the morning intersections, so I was fine alone.

I did hear talk on the course that there was a major crash (possibly a fatality) in the early morning before rest stop #1. It’s very dark, the pacelines are moving fast and there are some heavily trafficked roads. If you do choose to do this ride, please exercise some caution.

I soon learned the ‘secret’ of the DDC. After several pacelines screamed by me, I started noticing a trend. Very few of the pacelines were led by single riders. At the DDC if you want to make time – get behind a tandem. Over the course of the morning I must have seen 10 or 15 tandems pulling about 30 riders each. By the afternoon, the course hits the hills and the pack break up.

Right at about mile 20 I was cruising along peacefully and it dawned on me that the hardcore folks doing IM California hadn’t even hit the water yet. I made a mental note to watch the time and when 7:00am hit, send out a mental “Good Luck” to everybody pulling a full IronMan today.

Other than that little epiphany, I was content to motor along in my little chainring until rest stop #1.

Rest Stop #1 (which also doubles as Rest Stop #10, but we’ll get to that later…)

I stopped only long enough to pull on my sunglasses. As soon as I started rolling again a semi-truck blew by me. Actually it was a paceline being led out by 4 tandems. Speaking with some riders later it turns out that the lead tandem was hoping to break 9 1/2 hours on the course. I cannot even imagine averaging over 20 MPH on a double century. Wow!

Miles 26 to 40

Rest stop #2 was 19 miles of gradual downhill and 3 miles of climbing ahead. A nice portion of the first 19 miles was on a newly paved farm road with wide shoulders. I was riding South and the sun was just coming up which made for some great roadside shadows. I was able to use the shadows to critique my bike positioning, and I have to say that I didn’t look too bad with a flat back and extended legs. I was looking quite good!

Then again, it was only mile 30…… and speaking of mile 30, it was right around here that the clock hit 7:00am. I sent out my mental “Good Luck” and hoped that it would reach down to San Diego. As silly as it sounds I was more concerned about the people doing IM Cali, especially the Iron-Virgins, than I was about myself. Granted I only had 157 road miles under me in the last two years, but my mental state was already dialed in.

- I had 200 miles to ride (now only 170). - It was going to get very, very hot. - I was totally under-trained.

And, most importantly, there was NOTHING that I could do to change any of those facts!!!

Just ride baby, ‘cause there’s nothing else to do today.

Cruising along a creek just before the climb into rest stop #2 brought a nice chill to the air and more than a few pickups pulling boats out to Lake Berryessa. The road was packed with cyclists, but there didn’t seem to be much of that “pickup versus cyclist” animosity, and that was nice to observe.

The climb into rest stop #2 was a good wakeup. I geared down and pedaled on up mainly because there wasn’t much else to do. It was really early in the ride, and I had no desire to push my pace.

Rest Stop #2, Mile 40

Rest stop #2 was packed. I find it amusing that where the riders are grouped up the most (early morning) there are the fewest porta-potties. The line was easily 50 riders long for the one or two units that were available. I didn’t need the facilities, so I filled my water bottles, grabbed a couple slices of nut bread and headed out. I had a handlebar bag full of Gu which I was planning on eating at least hourly, but for an event of this length I needed some solid food too. I also took a Thermotab (salt tablet).

It may have been early in the day, but I was already sweating profusely.

Miles 40 to 58

The ride from rest stop 2 to rest stop 3 has a big climb called Cardiac Hill. As I pedaled my way to the top I was passed by a couple of guys who wanted to know what my race schedule is for the year. I wish that they had asked that question because I was going so darned fast but it was because my Km40 tri-bike stood out like a sore thumb in the 99.95% roadie crowd. The 0.05% was me….  ;-)

My unscientific study showed only one 650c wheeled bike doing the DDC – mine!

Overall I think that I did fine on my steep-angle frame, but I can’t help but wonder if it would be better to take on distance rides with a more traditional geometry. One of these days perhaps.

Other than that there isn’t much to report for this 18 mile stretch. I just kept those pedals turnin’, drank a bunch of water and ate a Gu. Slow and steady.

Of course I couldn’t miss the fact that the sun was now up, and the temps were rising fast!

Rest stop #3, Mile 58

It’s already getting warm.

Scratch that. It was warm at 5:00am.

It is now starting to get hot!

I grab a couple more slices of nut bread and fill my water bottles. I am feeling a bit tired, but I don’t have any desire to hang out in the rest stop so I move on.

Miles 58 to 75

As I rolled along I looked at my watch and saw that is was about 8:50am. I’ve been riding for about 4 hours now, but more importantly the swim leg of Ironman California is reaching its cutoff time. I again sent out a silent “good luck” to everybody who I hoped would be well onto the bike leg by now.

The ride from rest stop 3 to rest stop 4 is actually pretty fun. There are no major obstacles, and we are rolling along through some great foothills. The only major problem for now is my hands. With my TT bars, there are not too many hand positions to switch around to. I hadn’t felt the fingers on my left hand for most of the morning, so I road right-handed for a while and shook my left hand vigorously. After several minutes I finally get some blood flow back into my left hand.

Fingers are good to have, and I would like to keep mine.

Rest Stop #4, Mile 75

Can you say “hot”?

Can you say “no shade”?

Rest Stop #4 is at the Pope Valley Grange Hall, and it’s rural California at it’s finest – a dirt parking lot with very few trees around. At this point riders are starting to get serious about the heat. Almost everybody is filling water bottles and soaking their heads with the hoses. The water will evaporate quickly, but it sure feels nice for a couple of minutes.

Again I fill up my water bottles, but I don’t grab any solid food at this stop. It’s Gu from rest stop 3 to rest stop 5. I don’t feel like hanging out in the rest stop for long with the lack of shade, so after a minute or two I start riding again.

Miles 75 to 95

There is one hill between rest stop 4 and 5. I make it up OK, but it takes a bit out of me. Somewhere near the 90 mile mark, just past the Guenoc winery, I pull off and down a Gu. I am breathing way too hard to eat, and I am starting to feel weak, so I take a break on the side of the road. I drink, eat the Gu, catch my breath and start rolling again.

It does dawn on me that I have ridden over 90 miles, and I’m still not even to the halfway point of the ride.

Slow and steady. Slow and steady. I just keep making sure that my pedals keep going round and round.

Rest stop #5, Mile 95, Middletown High School

It is almost amusing how different rides can be so completely opposite. On my century last weekend I was hammering at mile 95. Today I can barely feel my legs, and I still have another 100+ to go.

In addition, I am craving solid food, but I know that I cannot eat and ride immediately afterwards. The temperature is way up there, so I decide to make this a long stop.

I eat one and a half peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and three Oreo cookies. I usually try to avoid cookies because of the sugar high, but they looked really good. They tasted good too. After I ate I laid out on a concrete bench for a power nap. I give myself 15 minutes to relax, digest the food and just rest my legs.

It was a bit of an odd scene at the rest stop/high school. There was an “invasion” of multi-colored, lycra clad cyclists eating, drinking and sleeping, and in the school’s gym there was some sort of dance rehearsal going on. There was a constant stream of girls running back and forth from the gym to the coke machine and payphone and back to the gym. All of the young ladies were wearing dancing dresses, complete with sequins, tiaras, etc. I am not sure who looked weirder to whom.

My 15 minute power-nap was most refreshing, but getting my legs back would be tough.

Miles 95 to 105

Although it is only 10 miles between Rest Stop 5 and 6, it is a very tough 10 miles.

OK, in all honesty, it was tough for the first mile as my legs got used to riding again. Then it was fun for the next 6 miles, and then it was Hell for the next 3 miles.

No wind. No shade and a monster climb up through Big Canyon. By now it was full-blown hot! This section was easily pushing the 100degF mark.

The 10 miles still took me about an hour to cover.

For some odd reason, I could not guess the average speed at which I was traveling, but I could precisely estimate the time at which I would arrive at the next rest stop. From rest stop 3 all the way through the end of the ride I would roll out of a rest stop knowing how far I had to ride before my next break. I would then say, “I’ll be there at 2:40pm” and I would arrive exactly on the mark. For some I rode straight through, and for some I stopped several times on the way, but I would always arrive exactly at the mark that I had set.

Big Canyon is the second hardest hill on the course. It would probably be the hardest hill on the course as it is the longest climb, but the hill at mile 125 is much tougher – mainly because nobody wants to climb a hill at mile 125.

….. and now back to Big Canyon.

The entrance into Big Canyon is a deceptive downhill. As I coasted along, getting my cycling legs back, one of my water bottles fell out, or so someone told me later. I had started off with three bottles, and I thought that I could get by with two given the frequency of the rest stops. Also, that bottle had fallen out about three times by now. I was tired of turning around to pick it up, so I let it be.

Had I been aware of the bottle falling I would have stopped. This was my favorite water bottle, a big blue QR bottle that I picked up at the ½ Vineman in 1998, but I was already down the road a ways. There was no way that I was going to backtrack in this heat.

Somewhere along the way I crossed the halfway point. 100 miles down and 100 more to go.

Up I climb into the canyon. It’s hot, and I am moving slowly. I do have my climbing cassette, a 13x26, installed today, but I did not swap out my chainrings. I am riding with a 56/42 front end, and at 7MPH I am grinding out at a cadence of less than 60 RPM’s.

Slow and steady. Slow and steady. Normally, that would have been my mantra, but on a hill like this with my current gearing it’s more like “Grind baby, Grind.”

Did I mention that it is really hot?

Actually it is getting to the “brutally hot” stage as “hot” and “very hot” are no longer adequate adjectives for this temperature.

Surprisingly I was able to catch and pass several people on the climb up Big Canyon. No matter how slow you are there is usually someone who is even slower.

By this time, full strength Gatorade is almost unpalatable, so I stick with water. I drink as the road curves left, and I drink as the road curves right. It’s incredibly hot, and I do not want to get dehydrated. I wish that I could bring in some drama to make this story more interesting, but, in truth, it was a grind, a long grind, a really long and really hot grind.

Almost at the top of Big Canyon I started feeling dizzy, and I had a hard time collecting my thoughts. Luckily there are a few trees around, so I pulled of to the left to take a break, slam a Thermotab and drink some more. An older couple pulls up on a Seven tandem to enjoy a bit of shade. Wow, what a sweet bike! A custom made titanium tandem. We chat for  a couple of seconds then I mount up and head off to rest stop #6.

Rest Stop #6

It turns out that #6 was only about 1/4 mile away, just around a blind right corner. I could have been resting where there was fresh water instead of just on the side of the road, but it didn’t really matter. I really needed that roadside break.

It had only been 10 miles since the last rest stop and I was feeling hammered. Luckily this rest stop had a new food item – watermelon. Sweet and juicy watermelon is as good as it gets. I wolfed down 3 slices, filled up my water bottles, sucked down a Gu and started riding again.

Miles 105 to 114

Did I mention that Rest Stop 6 is NOT at the top of Big Canyon?

Nooooo, there’s still another 2+ miles of uphill to go! Luckily I feel better with my new found love of watermelon and I actually have cool water in my water bottles, so I am content to sit and grind my way to the top.

The next rest stop is the lunch stop, and it is only 9 miles away. On the way up I chat with a guy who is a nursing student and a father and he also rides the Davis Bike Club Brevet series. I am not too sure where he finds the time to get all of that done. A couple of years back he qualified for Paris-Brest-Paris which is way out of my league. My first 200-miler is the only goal for the day. The 750 miles of PBP is not even on my horizon. It is more than a little amusing that he feels compelled to tell me how little he has been able to train this year, only 100 miles per week on average. I chose not to clue him in that having just ONE 100 mile week would have been great for me.

We chatted about components and life until we hit the downhill that comes just after the Top of the DC right at mile 110 or so. I picked up some well earned speed and left him behind.

The downhills in the Davis Double Century are really nice. Good, non-technical turns that you can carry some nice speed through. My Km40 handles like a pig, but I am not even on my brakes once.

The last time that I rode this far was at Ironman Canada in 1998. It’s been three years since I have ridden 112 miles, and I cruise through mile 112 today with a smile on my face!

Rest stop #7, Mile 114 LUNCH!!!!

As I wait in line to make myself a sandwich I start talking with the guy in front of me. It is almost comforting to know that no matter how insane your non-athlete friends may think you are you can always bump into someone who is far more mentally unbalanced than yourself at an event like this.

Last weekend I rode a century – 100 miles. Last weekend the guy in front of me road a double century, and today he is riding another double century. That’s two double centuries in two weekends. Compared to him I feel relatively normal.

Sandwich and Sprite in hand I find some shade underneath a big tree, pull off my shoes and take on whole bite. My stomach rebels at the solid food.

I manage to pack in a couple of bites, but there will be very little solid food for me at this stop. I just can’t eat, so I sip my Sprite and lie down for a little while. The conversations drone on around me:

“How many Death Ride’s have you done?” “This will be my third Triple Crown” (at least 3 200-milers in one year). “Where are riding at next weekend?”

It’s mile 114, and there are people contemplating their next ride. I’m just contemplating some sleep. I pop up at my appointed time, gear up and start riding again. It has not cooled off any over the last 30 minutes or so that I was at the lunch stop.

In fact it has probably gotten just a bit hotter.

86 miles to go.

Miles 114 to 133

The course turns left and crosses over a stream leading into clear lake. Normally one can hope for some cool air near a stream.

Yes, one can hope, but it is not going to happen today.

Mile 115.4, take a left at the entrance to Wal-Mart. How nice, Wal-Mart has invaded the rural town of Clear Lake too.

The hill called Resurrection starts at mile 126, and I wind up pulling a paceline halfway there.

This is ludicrous! I am probably the least trained rider on the course, and people are stupid enough to suck my wheel. Do these guys know anything about me? Why do they trust me so much? No offense intended, but I think that it is pretty stupid to get that close to someone you don’t know. It’s almost worse than tailgating in a car.

I swerve left to let them by and they won’t budge. I swerve right and they follow blindly. Finally I give up and ignore their existence. If they take me down due to stupid riding I am going to be really pissed off. At the base of a short uphill they finally pull away.

POINT OF ETIQUETTE: If you draft off of someone for 5 miles, at least say “Thank You.” It’s not that hard to do considering that someone else has just helped you along – not that I’m bitter…..

And now back to the ride……

This is a monumental point for me. I have never ridden more than 120 miles.

At the base of another exposed, treeless hill I switch my computer from speed to distance to see when I break my personal distance record.

120 MILES !!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, we are now entering uncharted waters. Only these waters are hot and steep not dark and deep. I slowly make my way to the top of the hill. The downhill onto Resurrection is a blast. I max out at 46.3 MPH without even trying, but that all comes to an end at the base of Resurrection.

From the elevation chart it looks like Resurrection climbs about 1000 feet in about 4 miles which only averages out to a 5% grade. In spots it is probably steeper, but let’s take a little quiz.

What is more fun than climbing a 5% grade?     Climbing a 5% grade that comes at mile 125!

What’s better than that?      Throw in temps that are well above 95degF and probably pushing 100degF.

What’s even better than that?      Why yes, a headwind is just the thing!

I would like to say that I felt miserable, but I wasn’t feeling very much at all. I couldn’t feel my left hand, and my legs were just plain tired. I keep promising myself that if I saw a shade tree then I was going to stop and rest. After I pass a couple of trees I finally stop where another guy has taken refuge.

Soon a sag wagon comes along. It turns out that the other guy is toast – he’s heading in. I get some cold water from the sag and sit down for a break. A couple more riders pull in too. Soon I am back on the road, going uphill. After a few minutes my water bottles have been sun baked and I’m drinking warm water again.

Has anyone noticed that “uphill” is a common theme here?

I stop again a few miles down the road. Only this time I stop next to the guy who is riding the beach cruiser. That’s not too good for the ego – here I am on my multi-thousand dollar ultra light racing bike, and lo and behold, some guy on a beach cruiser is keeping pace with me. Ouch.

In all honesty, it didn’t really bother me at all. We were both out here for our own reasons, and it was incredibly impressive to see this guy hammering along on a 35+ pound 5-speed.

Rest Stop #7, Mile 133, almost the top of Resurrection

I dropped my bike, grabbed my water bottles and lined up for a refill. The line was at least 25 riders deep, and I was not looking forward to the wait. One of the young volunteers is asking each person if they would like her to fill their bottles for them and most declined.

I may be insane, but I am not stupid.

“Yes please, one bottle with water and one with ½ Gatorade, ½ water.”

If she is willing to let me sit down while she fills my bottles then I am more than willing to let her. I grab some watermelon and a coke while my water bottles are filled for me. That’s really nice!!!

There are no trees at this highway pullout, so I find a spot underneath an umbrella and sit my butt down. At this point I took a look at my legs. My calves had taken on a life of their own. I was not moving, but my calves were. They were pulsing and twitching almost like a heart muscle. I wasn’t cramping and they were not in pain, but that was the first time that I have ever seen any of my muscles moving of their own accord.

After a few short minutes I realized that it was too hot to get much relief, so I saddled up and hit the road, pulsating calf muscles and all.

Miles 133 to 147

After a miniscule rise to the top of Resurrection, it’s all downhill to Rest Stop #8.

That’s not totally true.

From the profile map, it looks like it’s completely downhill, but there are a couple of flat sections thrown in. After climbing Resurrection and Big Canyon it’s really nice to get in a gravity assisted ride.

I was basically alone for this 14 miles, and it was awesome. I was actually able to catch one other rider, but other than that it was just me on a two-lane country road. I was able to hit my big chainring for a few miles of what one could almost call “hammering” (if you wish to be charitable). I wasn’t riding fast, but I felt pretty good. And it is awfully nice to feel just a little good when one is over 130 miles into a ride.

Unfortunately this feeling didn’t last too long. About a mile away from Rest Stop #8 I could feel the energy draining from my legs. I hadn’t overtaxed myself in the last few miles even though I had been riding a bit faster than before. Then again, this was mile 147, and I had been out here for over 12 hours by now. Loosing a little bit of steam was just to be expected. I often find it amazing that the highs and lows during a long event came occur almost simultaneously. One second I was feeling like a million bucks, and the next second I was struggling to keep the pedals turning.

Mile 147 Rest Stop #8

By this time I was sitting down at every rest stop, if only for a few minutes. This one even had chairs and the shade of a big old oak tree.

I loaded up on Gatorade and water and a few cookies, took a few minutes rest and got back on the road. My mental state was incredible. I was tired, I had over 50 miles to go, it was still very hot and I could have easily sagged it home, but that wasn’t even a consideration. There was riding to do, and I needed to get it done.

Miles 147 to 165

Fatigue was really pushing me down in this section. While it is slightly downhill it still took some pushing on the pedals to keep the wheels turning. Mentally I was feeling really good. I knew that I was tired and my legs had almost no energy left in them, but I also knew what I had to do.

I kept to my plan which was to drink as much as possible, eat often, take a salt tab or ibuprofen as needed and keep those pedals turning round and round.

By my standards this was a beautiful section of the course, and that helped a lot. I grew up in a rural section of California in the foothills, and this section was exactly that. True, the few trees that were around were oaks and not pine, but the effect was similar – a two lane country road cruising through the foothills under a wide open sky. I was in a good frame of mind.

Also the sun had reached its zenith some time ago and was heading down. It was still hot, but relief was in site. I was hoping to be back at the start/finish by the time it got dark, but I wasn’t too sure that was going to happen. In the past the knowledge that I had would not meet a goal – being done before dark – would have frustrated me to no end. But not today. There was nothing I could change about where I was, how far I still had to ride and how much energy I had to get it all done, so why waste energy on negative thoughts?

Although it wasn’t as hot, the air was incredibly dry. I had to drink constantly to keep my mouth from feeling like a dust storm. This was a good thing as it forced me to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.

Rest Stop #9, Mile 165, what used to be a one room schoolhouse

Since I was fatigued I knew that this was going to be a long stop.

I laid my bike down and walked over to the food line. Yet again the spread was amazing. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, salted potatoes, cookies of all sorts and a new treat – Cup o’ Noodles soup!!! Normally I would avoid Cup o’ Noodles because the sodium content is high enough to kill a Clydesdale (the horse, not the triathlete), but today was definitely NOT normal. Noodles submerged in salt broth sounded like just the ticket.

I gathered up my food just as the perfect resting spot came open, one of those folding beach lounge chairs. I plopped my butt down and started to feast.

I had been holding pretty much to myself for most of the ride, but the crowd here was very engaging. One rider was a double century junky with the Terrible Two (16,000 feet of climbing) and the Devil Mountain Double (18,000 feet of climbing) to his credit. After chatting for a bit I nodded off for some needed rest.

Have I mentioned that doing a double without training is very taxing on the body????

I woke up later and one rider was making his decision to pull out of the ride. He’d had enough. I found it most comical to listen to him.

“Two years ago, I spent 45 minutes in this very rest stop and then continued on. I ain’t going to do that again.”

Cool, I had only been here for 35 minutes – I had another 10 minutes to go…. ;-)

Soon those 10 minutes were up, and it was time to hit the road again.

Miles165 to 178

It took me a couple of miles before my legs felt like pedaling again, and shortly thereafter they didn’t want to pedal at all. I did what I had to do. I stopped, pulled off the side of the road and sat down for a few minutes. Two sag wagons came by, but I waived them off. This was just a tough spell. I knew that I could finish. I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t make it home before dark, so I just listened to my body and took a needed break.

One water bottle and one Gu later and it was back to the bike.

At one point the two lane country road widened and improved considerably. There was now a real bike lane and the pavement was great. A couple of miles later the local casino came into view. If you want people to gamble I would guess that you better have some good roads for them to drive on. Yes, the casino’s parking lot was full.

There was one little rise in this section, and it really hurt to ascend what could only have been about one hundred feet. Mentally I was doing great. I was setting the appropriate expectations, but they were very, very low expectations. What at one time in my life might have been “let’s try to break 20MPH” became “let’s try to pedal this bike.”

Slow and steady. Just get the job done.

Finally we were back in the farmlands and it was time to make some right and left turns. After being on essentially the same road for about 60 miles it was great to have to pay attention to the course markings again.

Rest Stop #10, Mile 178

I know this place!!!

Well, OK Rest Stop #1 doubles as Rest Stop #10, and I had been there once before in my life some 15 hours ago.

By now you probably know the drill – fill water bottles, grab a bit of food (this time a banana), sit for a spell and then get back on the road. Yet again the volunteers were awesome, arranging chairs, delivering food, checking on general well-being. This ride is a class act.

I only had 22 miles to go, and I knew that I would make it. It gave my ego a bit of a boost to see someone who had dropped out drive out to the rest stop to meet some friends who were still riding. I was sitting near them, and I listened to him describe how tough it had been for him with today’s conditions. This was not a competition by any means, but it felt good to know that I had done a great job of listening to my body and pacing myself. Coming into this event undertrained could have been a disaster, but I was doing great and only had 22 miles to go.

22 dark miles as the sun was now gone, but at least it was cooling off.

Miles 178 to 193

Since we were now back into the farmlands we had the added benefit of evaporative cooling from the irrigation canals. It was starting to feel quite pleasant other than the fact that I couldn’t feel the fingers in my left hand and my legs were hoping to jump ship to a new body.

Through the fields.

Earlier in the day I had enjoyed my shadow as it revealed a very nice aero-position. Now, the sun was down, so I didn’t have to see my shadow in what had to be a less than stellar hunchback impersonation.

Surprisingly I made a pretty big mistake once the weather cooled off. With the cooler temps and moisture in the air from the irrigation canals I forgot about drinking. In the last 20 miles of a 200 mile ride, I let myself get dehydrated because I quit thinking about one of the most important aspects of ultra-events – Hydration. The air was cool. I felt OK. Why drink?

Luckily it was no big deal this time, but I cannot forget this lesson in the future (especially when I try to ride more than 200 miles).

Rest Stop #11, Mile 193 or Where I Really Didn’t Want to Stop but Had no Choice

The Davis Double is well supported, well marked and has very few rules. One of those rules is, in my opinion, a good idea.

- After dark, riders must leave rest stops in groups of 5.

This increases the cyclists chance of being seen by motorists on the unlit two-lane farm roads that surround Davis. OK, this sounds like a great rule, at least logically, until you are the one who just wants to get the hell back to town and get off of your bike!!!

At the Plainfield Fire Station I was waived in by a volunteer and told to wait for 4 more riders. Two came in shortly after me, and they were raring to get back on the road, but since we had to wait for two more one of them decided to use the rest room. Soon two more riders came in and we had our five-some. As is usual in any cat-herding situation the second two-some decided to use the rest room because we had to wait for the first guy. After they left, the woman from the first two-some decided that it was finally a good time to hit the facilities.

During this interlude the volunteer in charge of headlight enforcement took a break to deal with some medical issues that were occurring on the course, and a tandem and a lone cyclist were able to cruise by without stopping.

Aaaaaargh, can we just get going now?

Miles 193 to 200

Not being a good team player I dropped the hammer when we hit the road again. It wasn’t much of a hammer, but I could see the lights of Davis and I was ready to be done.

I have no idea how fast I was riding because it was pitch black by now, and I could not see my computer except when the occasional big truck went by and shared his bright headlights with me. Who cares how fast I was going? To me it felt like I was flying!

I caught the tandem and the lone cyclist and left them in my wake, or so I thought. As usual they jumped onto my wheel for a free ride. I gotta look back more often.

I backed off the pace about 2 miles outside of town. Soon I started seeing streetlights. Civilization and the end of the ride coming up! A few left and right turns and there stood the Davis Senior High School.

SWEET!!!!

Home Sweet Home.

I parked my bike, checked in and rode the two blocks down to my car where I called my wife to let her know that I had finished the ride safe and sound. I love cell phones for calls like that.

After packing up my bike I drove back to the high school for a well-deserved shower. I just wanted to go to sleep, but I held myself up long enough to wash off a serious layer of salt deposits. Both my jersey and my shorts were well coated with a white layer of sweated salts.

I tried to eat some of the post-ride Mexican food, but due to dehydration my stomach could not tolerate any of it.

So I drove off into the night……. only to call my wife minutes later to tell her that I was going to find a hotel room for the night. There was no way that I could make it the two hours back to home without falling asleep at the wheel.

I drove around a bit and found a Budget Inn or Comfort Inn or Beside the Freeway Here’s a Bed Inn that had a vacancy. I further validated my choice to find a place the crash when I fell asleep while resting my head on the counter at the check-in desk. I was one tired puppy.

I was also one very satisfied puppy!

200 miles in one day. That feels pretty good.

On a down note, it took me about 5 weeks to recover. Losing 14 pounds in 16 hours is not a recommended diet for anyone. While I usually never get sick, I caught the flu a couple of weeks later that had me laid out for several days.

I’m pretty sure that better preparation (read: training) would have resulted in a much shorter recovery period, but then again……

that was one of the coolest things that I have ever done!

A double century without training.

Epic! Truly epic!

[kosmictraveller]

Feeling stuck in life

Have you ever felt stuck in life? Have you ever felt like your life’s become almost mechanical? Like it’s just a collection of routines? Like nothing ever changes? Like it’s pointless to even do anything at this point, and yet you still do every single routine, just because you don’t think there’s anything else left to do?

Have you ever wondered, why that is? Why it happens? Or maybe you thought that you were the only one on the planet feeling that way? Well, at least don’t think that anymore. It’s probably one of the most popular feelings in adult life. What’s even more, even “successful” people feel that. If you have a great job, if you’re a millionaire, if you’re a CEO, if you’ve got the job/family/kids/car/house/etc., you’re still not above feeling stuck. On the contrary, sometimes if others perceive you as a successful person, you’d be even more susceptible to feeling that way.

Have you ever asked yourself, “Why is my life that way?”, “What did I do to deserve this?”, “Why doesn’t anything make sense anymore?”, “Why don’t I see colors anymore, just different shades of gray?”?

And even more frustratingly, if you’re not a beginner to that kind of experience, you may have tried doing something about it already. Like attending a seminar, reading one of those self-help books, trying to start exercising, or trying to quit smoking, or trying to start your own business? Have you noticed that none of the articles on the web you’ve ever read on that topic actually help you? You read it, you encounter a “magic list of actions” you need to take in order for it all to suddenly get better, if you’ve been trough this farce a couple of times already you also notice that every such list is either exactly the same or a variation of the same thing. “Stop making excuses” they say, “Stop taking things personally”, “Eliminate distractions”, “Stop playing the victim”, “Face your fears” they say.

Reading all this, you scratch your head and say: “Okay Sherlock, thanks I guess. But dude, if it was that easy I would have already done it. Who will tell me HOW to face my fears? HOW to stop playing the victim? HOW to stop making excuses? No one! So go screw yourself, you’re full of it!”. Has that ever happened to you? Sure happened to me more than a few times.

Whatever you do, you seem to be stuck in a pendulum that swings left and right, left and right. When it swings right, you start doing something others would call “useful”: you start exercising, learning a new language, going outside more, picking up a new skill, reading books maybe... And then a week, a couple of weeks, a month, a couple of months passes, and the pendulum swings to the left. That’s when it all starts coming apart. You start procrastinating on your projects, you don’t exercise anymore, you start feeling bad, complaining, pitying yourself, being angry at yourself, and it never ends. After a while, the cycle repeats anew and nothing changes.

Or maybe, your situation is a bit different. Maybe you just feel like there’s no point to life. Life feels gray, it feels “usual”, unbearably so. You are often bored maybe? You feel like you’ve seen everything. You feel like life is longer than it should have been: a human being has seen everything once they’re 30-40 years old. From there, it’s just the same thing, but it keeps getting worse: your health starts deteriorating, and you have less and less physical and emotional strength to deal with life. It’s the same shit all the time: you wake up, you brush your teeth, you take your children to school, you work, you pick up your children from school, you cook dinner, you watch the TV for 2-3 hours, you (maybe, if everything’s relatively well) have sex with your wife/husband, spend some time with your kids and then you’re done. All that’s left is to go to sleep and repeat the cycle over and over again until you’re dead. You genuinely feel like this is what your life is, and yet can’t help it but be frustrated and think “Jesus Christ, is there really nothing more to it?!”.

Or maybe, and this is the last one, I promise, you feel a void in your heart. It sucks all your life into itself, it makes you incredibly bored, and no matter what you experience in your life, it always wants more. It seems like you’re trying to chase fulfillment for pretty much your entire life, you tell yourself that you’ll just finish this next big project and you’ll finally be fulfilled. What happens most of the times is that you don’t get through even the first 10% before quitting it. However, the darker secret here is that even if you do finish it, you experience triumph and victory for one minute to one day, maybe a week if you’re especially lucky, but no fulfillment or happiness inside. And after that short while, it disappears. In the end, you end up chasing fulfillment for 3-5-10 years, and what you get is 1 second to 1 week of positive emotions (but not the ones you had hoped for), and that’s it. You’re so sick and tired of it you feel despair just thinking about it, and yet you feel like there’s no escape.

If any of this seems familiar, please, read this post in its entirety. I know, it’s unbearably long, and I apologize (and in the future I’ll post even more of those to expand on many of the topics I bring up here), but you need this. You need something that’ll actually work. Life is NOT a series of routines to play out until you’re dead. It’s more, much more, infinitely more than that. It is the most beautiful thing there is. However, to become conscious of this, you are the one who needs to do the work.

I’ll tell you right now why those “magical bullet-point lists” don’t work. I’ll also tell you why no matter what you read about it and what magical method you encounter and try, it never works. The reason is actually pretty simple: your life is NOT a program. Therefore, you can’t have an algorithm to “save” your life. If you encounter a method that’s suspiciously like “do those 10 things in this order and you win”, it won’t work. Moreover, no method is going to work. NO METHOD AT ALL. Including the one I’m going to share with you in this post. Because life is not about following methods. Life is about developing methods yourself, methods uniquely suited to “saving” your own life, methods that wouldn’t work on anyone else other than you. Do you understand why? It’s because no one is able to see all the circumstances, thoughts, actions and beliefs that have led you specifically to the life you’re in right now. Only you yourself have all the cards in your hand. Therefore, you are the only person who can make the difference in your own life. In fact, there’s no one else who can have any kind of influence on your life without you explicitly allowing them to. However, if you’ve been allowing people to influence your life and your thinking for quite a few years already, you will of course suffer the consequences and have to struggle quite a lot to undo the damage. But in general, this rule applies: you are the only person who can change anything in your life.

Having said all that, I’ll reiterate one thing: No method is going to work for you, including the one I’m about to explain to you right now. So why am I doing it? I intend this method to be your “beginner guide” on the first stages of you trying to change your life for the better. If you stick to it for at least 6 months to 2-3 years, your life will start to change and you’ll start understanding much more about what your life actually is and why it works the way it does. And you’ll start realizing that it’s not anywhere near as simple, gray and meaningless as you’d thought it was. Take what I’m saying as an initial pointer to “how to start” changing your life for the better. Once you start getting pretty experienced in contemplation, as it is exactly what my “method” for you is today, you’ll start thinking about developing methods uniquely suited for you to defeat all your limitations and obstacles in life and mold it into precisely what you want out of it.

Where to start, what to do?

The method is both very simple and very complex. It’s very simple in the sense that it doesn’t require that much from you, just dedication. It’s very complex in the sense that when you start “getting it”, getting what it’s all about, you’ll start developing theories and methods, one after another, and those can be extremely complex and multi-dimensional. I’ll try to share my own experiences with this journey as the time goes. Now, I’ll list four things that are important to this “method”. And yes, the irony of what I said about bullet-point lists of actions before immediately following it with a bullet list is not lost on me :) This is intentional. This is not meant as a list of actions you must sequentially and mindlessly take one after another. This is meant as a pointer to discovering any method or theory or idea that you need yourself, with as little external help as possible. So, let’s start.

1. The first part of this is observation and monitoring. Observing and monitoring what, you say? Your own life. This starts with a simple intention to notice what’s happening in your life. On the surface, it seems like it’s extremely obvious what’s happening in your life, right? It seems like if you don’t know what’s happening in your life, who does? Well, the irony of this is that you don’t know either. In fact, once you do this for any significant amount of time (usually even a week is enough to start noticing some really freaky shit happening in your life), you’ll start noticing just how little you actually know about your own life. How little attention you pay to the thoughts you think, the actions you perform, the things you say to other people, even (or especially) to the way you move your body. This “noticing” process is not limited to anything in particular. Start paying attention to EVERYTHING you’re doing. How you move your body, how you talk to other people, if there are any differences between how you talk to one group of people versus how you talk to someone else, how you think, what you think, are your thoughts mostly negative and self-deriding or positive and self-reassuring? How you talk to yourself and what you say to yourself? How you perform any and all actions in your life, down to the most mundane actions of eating, brushing your teeth and going to the toilet. No stone should go unturned. In fact, take this as your guideline: the more obvious and trivial it looks, the more important it is to inspect and observe. 100% of your actual problems in life lie in the areas where you’re unconscious. That is, what you don’t notice and do automatically. Your problems cannot physically be within something you’re conscious and thinking of, and that makes this whole endeavor extremely tricky. Even if you think you know something, it usually means that within that thing you think you know, there’s something hidden that’s still unconscious, and it’s that thing that’s causing you trouble.

2. While you do all that monitoring and observation stuff, question everything, okay? Everything that seems out of whack, weird or unexpected, everything that shouldn’t be the way it is but paradoxically it is, all of that and more should be questioned. And don’t let your questions disappear into oblivion once you think of them or pronounce them and forget all about them. I’ll write about it a bit more below, but please write down all the questions you think of. Even if it’s not immediately convenient to do so (like if you think of a question while on a bus or at work), think of a mechanism that would allow you to write stuff down even when you are inconvenienced by something. It’s extremely important, because sometimes the most important questions come up and then disappear into oblivion in the span of a minute or even a few seconds. It’s extremely important to capture them while they’re still with you.

3. So what should you do with all these questions? Contemplate them. For this initial period while you’re still unsure about how this entire process works, do 30 minutes of daily contemplation. If it’s scheduled (at 6 AM or 9 PM every day, for example), that’s even better. Just sit down, set the timer app on your phone for 30 minutes, press “start”, close your eyes, sit upright, and start repeating the question in your mind. Warning: you have to know what you want to think about, and you need to actually want to find the answer. If you don’t, your mind will wander and you can even start getting sleepy. Especially at these beginner stages, when your mind still doesn’t know how to focus your attention effectively, you’ll wander and start getting drowsy almost immediately if you’re confused or not sure about the topic of contemplation. So make it clear, better to have the question written down somewhere and take a long hard look at it before starting. Then, once you’ve been repeating the question for some time (the amount of time depends on how experienced you are with the process: the very first time, it took me 15 minutes for something to come. Having just a few days of experience, this process can start in 30 seconds to 1 minute, or sometimes the first thoughts come immediately if the question is especially important for you), some thoughts will start to come to you. Try to make this exchange natural. Acting like you’re talking to someone (you basically are, you’re talking to your subconscious) works best most of the time. You’re asking questions, it replies. Then you ask more questions, or propose some theories, it answers again. It may even ask you some questions of its own. If any questions created in the process of contemplation seem important enough, do not hesitate to write them down while still in the process of contemplation. It’s extremely important that you keep track of this process and don’t let any questions become forgotten. The more questions you answer, the more new questions will appear. Eventually you’ll realize that even if you’d thought you knew what was going on in your life and maybe you even arrogantly thought you knew yourself, you actually know nothing at all. And that’s perfectly fine, do know that it’s normal to feel that way. None of us actually know what we are and why we are what we are. That is precisely the reason why your life is so screwed up: because you don’t even know who the hell you are. None of us do. At least, not before you have been doing contemplation for 5-10 years of your life. And even then, once you know who you are, you have to start actualizing that vision of who you believe you are now. And that takes 20-30 more years. You see where I’m going with this? The process of finding the point in your existence and then actualizing it, making it real, is not nearly as easy, obvious and self-evident as you once thought it was.

4. Last thing, keep a journal. Remember I said it was important to find some way to write down all your questions? It’s not just to write down questions. You’ll have a tremendous ton of insights, thoughts, theories, things to check, things to do, questions, more questions, beliefs to crack, fears to overcome, and on and on it goes for all eternity. You’ll need to capture all of those somewhere to not get lost in the process and to guide yourself on your journey better. I was looking around for the most convenient way to do all this, including researching a bunch of software too, but eventually found no better method than to simply have a paper notebook. I personally have a hardcover notebook so I’m not afraid of it getting damaged or anything like that. And honestly, to me hardcover notebooks are just more pleasant to hold in your hands and write in. If you find anything else that suits you, that should not be any kind of problem. Just find the way of keeping records of what you’re doing with your contemplation process which suits you the most. The format of it should also be what’s most suitable and convenient for you personally. For example, all the entries in my notebook are relatively short (1 to 7 written lines long) and enumerated. And before writing the note itself, I write its type. I have several note types as of right now: Observation, Insight, Question, Quote, Statement, Direct Experience, Reminder. This is to be able to easily distinguish between different notes and different types of notes in writing. I also have a reference system where one note can reference another note. However, you should develop your own journaling system for contemplations with its own unique structure that is uniquely suited to solve your specific requirements.

Conclusion

In the future, I’m going to write more about the details of this process and my own findings and investigations regarding it. I understand that a random post from a random person on the internet may not instill much confidence in the material, however, in spite of that, I urge you to try. And I urge you to stick to it for a long enough time to see how it actually works and how you can tweak it or change it to suit your unique needs in life. As I’d previously mentioned, this could end up being anywhere from 6 months to 2-3 years. However, eventually, if you stick to the process no matter what, you’re going to find and realize things you’d never even expected to pop up in your life. Weird things, scary things, funny things, idiotic things, all of that and much more. This road will lead you to finding and realizing everything you wanted to realize in life and much more. However, it will be difficult. You’ll start doubting why you’re even doing it, whether you actually need it, if it’s working for you, what the point of it even is, all sorts of fears and doubts will start to come up eventually. Please know that it’s extremely normal, and even more than that, expected. This should happen. This journey will not be smooth and easy. Not being easy is the whole point of it: otherwise it wouldn’t be worth taking. Please stick to it no matter what. If you don’t stick to anything else in life, stick to this. Eventually, you’re going to find out all the proper paths you need to stick to yourself, and you’re going to stick to what you really need. But only if you don’t abandon contemplation of course. Eventually, you’re going to start adjusting your contemplation schedule, maybe even looking for different methods of understanding your life, but for those first 1-2 years, please stick to this one. Once you’re experienced enough with this process, you’ll find all the methods and all the answers necessary to make your life complete and worth living.

[pixel-creates]

About Me: Kingdom Hearts

Behold, my excuse to cry over KH with paragraphs for nearly each answer.

(shamelessly copied from @khfriendlyreminders​)

Favorite Kh Game Overall: … I underestimated how hard this would be. I mean, I can't simply say I love all of them (even though I do), so... I guess it has to be

ALL OF THEM.

Least Favorite Kh Game Overall: Aside from nitpicks in story and gameplay, I don't have much to say against the KH games. ^^'

I understand perfectly well when people analyze the story and explain why certain parts just don't work, but unless it's something that just outright doesn't sit well with me, I find it hard to be critical of the games. Which is weird since I can be very critical of other media, but KH is kind of... hard to see or make criticism of. I'm not entirely sure how to explain it...

Kh Games I Should Replay: … ALL OF TH-

Okay but for real, I do have to repay them all for the sake of my fic since I'm basing the events off of my gameplay. Though, one I'd like to experience once again is 0.2. I only had the chance to play once at my older brother's before I moved and I feel like I need to experience it again to really understand where the story stands currently.

Most Played Kh Game: KH2 definitely.

Least Played Kh Game: Maybe Re:Coded, Days, and Re:COM. Re:Coded, while I do enjoy, is just not that fun to play on my dying 3DS. Also, I can't remember if it's just Re:Coded, but the camera was just really loose?? On my 3DS with broken left and right triggers, there was just no end to the frustration when those babies started going out. Days is a long game to play and my gameplay is either short and brief stints or finishing the entire game in a day. Right now, I'm in the short and brief stint gameplay mode since I need a new 3DS. On that part, Days and Re:Coded aren't at fault. Re:COM just scares me. Eveyone says that it's easy to get a handle on the card system, and it is but I don't do very well under the pressure of getting the cards together. It's gotten to the point where just looking at the menu screen makes me cringe. ^^' KHUX can count, as well. The game has a hella lot of filler quests, which are fine here and there, but wow those mission goals (“Defeat Every Enemy” has been seen in my nightmares). Not only that, but I'm not really that good at keeping up with games that often require constant/daily logging in for advancement.

Kh Games I Need to Play: I've technically played them all in one form or another, but I would very much like to try out the original GBA COM game at least once. GBA used to be my favorite system and finding out a KH game had been made for it is amazing!

Favorite Gameplay: This one is a tie between KH and KH0.2.

KH2 is just... fun. It's fun to play, it's fun to watch, and it just feels satisfactory to attack and explore the worlds. It might seem a little weird, but my favorite part was being able to 'Examine' everything with the triangle button. It was like Sora's (and Roxas' thoughts for a time) were given a place to exist outside cutscenes and gave insight into how Sora/Roxas were viewing the world. I dunno what anyone else thinks about it or if they even care, but I sincerely hope it makes a comeback in KH3.

KH0.2 is like KH2 in which we are given more of an opportunity to explore and interact with the world around us by actually creating change within the world through spells, hitting objects, or finding the lost memories. I absolutely love to freely roam in games, but it doesn't do much to bring me into the world itself if I can't interact with the world. That's why, as much as it creeped the frick out of me, the Dwarf Woodlands in the Dark World was my favorite world to explore even after the main story.

Least Favorite Gameplay: It's not my least favorite by far (in fact, it's really high up there), but I feel I do have to mention that in KH DDD, I felt really bad about using Flowmotion. It was like, I'd find my way up to several treasures, but then, it turns out, that you'd eventually make it up there by unlocking the way so that you could walk to the treasure. I feel like if there was a couple of puzzles that locked some treasures away and couldn't be accessed through mobile means, it'd balance out the gameplay a little more.

I also find the Dream Eater system to be... a little cool and also a little bad. A little cool because while I can adventure to who knows where and not get constantly freaked by Donald and Goofy teleporting right behind me. It felt like I was on a little solo adventure! Not only that, but the feature to import Dream Eaters from a previous save to a new/other save was a great feature. It was especially helpful when I replayed DDD went from Beginner Mode to Critical Mode. Did I mention it was y first time playing any KH game on a mode tougher than Normal?

A little bad because sometimes that solo adventure was just a bit too solo – and when just starting out (especially on Critical Mode), rather than being my allies, my Dream Eaters were more so the colorful Pokemon rejects I babysat so they didn't die after three hits. It became annoying pretty quickly to constantly keep them alive, only for them to wander away from where the enemies are or just simply not attack and once again die.

KH Re:Com as explained above, though I will admit that once I start to get into it, I feel a lot less pressured unless it's a boss fight. Other than that, the game just feels really repetitive and as someone who's gameplay style is 80% grinding until you simply can't die, it just really didn't feel that fun to play after an hour of just grinding for a boss fight that I felt really unsure about fighting because I'm sill having trouble with the card system.

Favorite Story: Yikes, another hard one. It's easy for me to talk about gameplay in the games because they're self-contained to a singular game within the series, but goodness the story.

I suppose out of all of them, I would replay KH2, DDD, Days, and Re:Coded for story reasons only. I find them to have the more interesting stories. Right now, I'm kind of side eying BBS for... reasons, and KH1 is kind of hard for me to say anything about. More on that in the next one.

Least Favorite Story: Out of the games, KH1 is probably the most consistent one... on its own. As the series progressed and the writers tried to fit more lore and story into an idea that... no one really expected would garner so much attention, it becomes more obvious how... out of place the first game seems in comparison. This took me years to realize and I only really understood why people made such a deal about it when Caddicarus talked about it in his review.

I can't bring myself to really blame the writers (or Nomura) too much for the inconsistencies between the first game and the latest one, but I will say there are some things I wish could've been kept consistent throughout the series, or just plain kept.

So, I don't think of it as my least favorite (since there are times I'll play it simply because I love the story a heck of a lot more than the gameplay), but it's question because of how out of place its story is in comparison to its children.

Favorite Character:  Sora. I would fucking die for him – but he probably wouldn't let me. Why is he my favorite character? Probably for a similar reason why Naruto is – I am not a particularly outgoing or outspoken person. My voice is naturally soft and whenever I try to gear myself to ask people the simplest of questions or even to say hi, I chicken out at the last second. And then, we have this character who not only talks to people without an issue but easily has an active participation in not only social situations but in everyday life.

In a way, my younger self strived to be just a little but more like that, if only because I wanted to be surrounded by friends like Sora was. Not only that, but there's just the overall positivity vibe Sora gives off that I feel like I lack; I almost immediately assume the worst of situations, have trust issues, and stress horribly over situations that even I can admit are out of my control. And seeing this character go through what he did and still keep that positive outlook? How could I not want to be like that, if only just a little?

Least Favorite Character: I'll probably get shit on for saying it, but I really can't bring myself to like Kairi in any way shape or form. She's pretty much the only thing about KH that I can be really critical of and I'm not very proud of that. I can't get into her in canon and I can't get into her in fanon. I can detail point by point about why I just can't like her in any capacity and my own disappointment towards how she's written, and I really wish it was the opposite... but that's a whole other post.

For now, I'm more than content to ignore her.

Favorite Character from Main Cast: Aside from Sora? Roxas, Xion, Vanitas, Riku, Namine, and Ventus are in the ring competing for 11th favorite character since Sora has taken up the first ten spots. Aqua, Terra and Goofy are shoe ins for the next spots after them.

Least Favorite Character from Main Cast: Aside from that one chick? It's mostly as a joke, but Donald can rot.

#NeverThankDonaldDuck2018 Also, fuck Yen Sid.

Favorite Drive Form: Final. Fucking fite my vanilla ass.

Favorite Spell: While the Cure line is a staple, I'm going to have to go with the Reflect line. Late game KH2 often ends up with Heartless/Nobody encounters quickly ending as soon as it started with a single Reflectga. I really hope it makes some kind of comeback in KH3.

Favorite Keyblade: Kingdom Key. Call me vanilla, but I love it's simple design and the lore around it.

Favorite Summon: I've honestly only ever really used Tinkerbell and it's always for the Dragon!Maleficent fight in KH1. I always stress about using things with time limits, so I often just don't use them period. :,D

Favorite Limit: Okay, but if I rarely use Summons, then I really don't use Limits like ever. I hardly switch my party members out unless mandatory. Even then, I turn off the Auto Limit shit because I find it more important to make sure Sora has magic for Cure than pulling off an attack that will only hit like 3 times.

Aside from completion purposes (and Riku because how can I deny the beauty that is Sora and Riku's Limit), I don't use them in the main story.

Favorite Dream Eater: It's a toss up between Pega Slick and Me Me Bunny. While offering some pretty good abilities, I really like their aesthetic. Yoggy Ram and Aura Lion are pretty high up there, too.

Favorite World: Oooo~ How about we have fun with this answer?

KH1 – A toss up between Hollow Bastion and End of The World. The aesthetics for both just really agree with me and the map for Hollow Bation especially is really fun to explore. KH Re:COM – 100 Acre Wood for being the only world that isn't completely repetitive. Whenever I play Re:COM I use it as the 12th floor just so I can reward myself for sticking with the game. KH2 – Radiant Garden for being probably the biggest world in KH2, linking to worlds I really like (Space Paranoids/100 Acre Wood), and having an interesting story that was actually intertwined with the main plot. KHBBS – This one is a bit hard since I don't play any other story except Ventus' 90% of the time. It's a toss up between Land of Departure (aesthetic and story reasons), Disney Town (mini games are really great – except I Scream Beat), and Mirage Arena (Rumble Racing and Mono- Command Board ftw!!).

KH Re:Coded – Pretty much all of Hollow Bastion. While a re-hash of KH1, it still felt like its own thing, especially with the battle system since Data!Sora's Keyblade was destroyed. I also really liked Olympus Coliseum. It was my favorite place to grind. In fact... Re:Coded took a lot of risks in changing up how you could fight and/or navigate the world and, to me, they were all interesting takes and fun experiences. Except Agrabah. Fuck Agrabah.

KHDDD – I like La Cité des Cloches because of what it could have been... Actual worlds I like are The Country of Musketeers, The World That Never Was (Sora's story), and Symphony of Sorcery. KH0.2 – Dwarf Woodlands as explained above. KHUX – I honestly really like Daybreak Town. I wish we could freely explore it.

Least Favorite World: F U C K M O N S T R O

I have some bad memories with Monstro from KH1.

First off, there's a chance you will just plain miss the cutscene needed to get access to him. I once had to drive between Halloween Town and Atlantica six times to get him, and often require 2 or more trips around to get him to appear in general.

Second, in KH1, a game that actually would've benefited from the nowadays useless as shit map system, has a world where everything looks the damn same and has rooms literally titled 'Monstro: Chamber 1' and 'Monstro: Chamber 2'. Just watching Raisoren, someone who has played KH1 at least twice, try to find his way around Monstro was a headache in itself back when I first found out about KH. Actually playing it was a migraine.

Third, the aesthetic... just the aesthetic. I am very squicky about the 'insides' of things. I understand that the team went through lengths to make it not look realistic, but that ultimately failed since the main different between most of the rooms are ledges and the amount of barrels in a room.

With all that said, I bet many of you can guess my reaction to Monstro in KH:DDD... it honestly wasn't too bad. Unless I was grinding, I didn't have to spend as much time in Monstro as I did in KH1 and the layout was a lot more varied and easily distinguishable from each other.

And then I played it in Critical Mode. :)

Am I ready for Kingdom Hearts III: Very much so! I've been steadily getting more and more excited with each piece of news we get. I don't know what to expect, but as long as it feels like a KH game, I don't think there's a way to disappoint me.

[temperkitten7-blog]

2018 Review Thingo

Belated happy new year to you! For the tenth year on the trot, here is the Annual Review Thingo. Previous episodes: 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010 and 2009.

1. What did you do in 2018 that you’d never done before?

made two new friends who live in the next village. Walking distance pals: the holy grail!

took a beginner’s sewing class (swore a lot)

consistently attended both Pilates and yoga classes… after years in the exercise wilderness I’ve found some love again!

had a brilliant trip to Green Mountain in Vermont as a guest blogger to work on my binge eating stuff.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for this year? I chose a word for the year, Outside: “I literally want to get more fresh air, but also looking to get outside of my head and outside of my comfort zone”. This turned out to be a handy anchor and it was an adventurous (for me!) 12 months.

I haven’t felt drawn to any words or particular plans for 2019 thus far. I’m happy to just rattle along for now and make sure I keep the twinkle lights twinkling.

3. Did anyone close to you die? No.

4. What countries did you visit? USA and Australia.

5. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018? A stronger lower back and more blogging.

6. What dates from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

February 8 – Snowshoeing in the dark at Green Mountain with all senses singing and an overwhelming feeling of being in the right place.

April 28 – Gomez concert. Closure for my 2002 self who accidentally chucked out Sydney tickets! #dumpsterdivingfail

May 3 – Day of the Missing Ziggy. My heart sinks to my shoes just thinking of that horrible long empty night she went AWOL, both G and I worried what we’d talk about without that furry grump in our lives. Lucky for us she was only trapped in a garage, four doors down.

Gomez at the Barrowlands, April 2018

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year? On paper it would have to be my positive progress on the BED recovery stuff. – I’m chuffed with how much has changed for the better. But sewing that bloody zipper bag really felt like a triumph 😉

I’d set a goal to make six crafty projects in 2018 – an attempt to try something new that had nothing to do with work or “self improvement”. At the time I mentioned on Insta my stages of learning:

wild enthusiasm

overwhelm

panic

thinking up excuses to run away (cat emergency? credible?)

small moments of success

mistakes

swearing that you think is only in your head but actually out loud

un-fecking-picking

grim determination

starting over.

Despite all that, by December 30 I had six small objects that didn’t exist before, that look alright from a distance!

I’m still working on a scarf that I started knitting over Christmas 2017. Once I’d used all the yarn up it didn’t feel long enough, then it took a few months to track down more. Now it’s too long, but I feel compelled to get through this extra ball so I’m just carrying on! I reckon Lenny Kravitz might like it when it’s done.

Newbie projects: drawstring bag, 2 x cushion covers (one patchwork; one origami style where I did half the folds the wrong way round), sunglasses case, lavender eye pillow and the zipper pouch.

8. What was your biggest failure challenge? Righto, questionnaire whose origins I can’t remember, I’ve changed that word above because language is important 😉 The biggest challenge by far was #9 below.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury? A month after returning from Vermont, buzzing with rediscovered exercise joy, I injured my lower back on a hike that was in retrospect too lengthy for my fitness level. For the next six months I couldn’t walk, sit, or stand for longer than five minutes at time without unleashing a world of teary agony. So I rotated between the three like the world’s most BLOODY BORING triathlon.

I’ll spare you the details but it made things, especially work, quite difficult at times and my mental health got wobbly. But after much trial, error and super strong painkillers, I got in with an awesome NHS physiotherapist and we’re now on a good plan for healing!

It’s been an exercise in patience and acceptance and prioritising, I tells ya. I’m in the midst of Project Strengthen Back, Butt and Hips – and unlike with my dodgy knee ten years ago, I’m actually doing the physio exercises religiously! I’m now back up to walking a good 20 minutes without pain and feeling much more chirpy.

10. What was the best thing you bought?

Cabin Zero carry-on backpack – I got this in 2017 and after a year of regular use I still love it. On short trips I find a small wheelie suitcase can be more trouble than it’s worth. Best example, when in London visiting my sister, it’s easier to squish this bag onto my lap on a busy bus than wrestling a suitcase. It fits heaps inside it, has a laptop bit, is comfortable on your back when walking around, and tucks easily into the overhead locker on the plane.

Fleece leggings – my Canadian pal Jilanna got me onto these – like trackydacks/sweatpants, but leggings so it’s like getting the warmest, cosiest hug for your pins on a super cold day.

Leuchtturm B5 dotted notebook – bigger than a pocket notebook but smaller than A5, this is a brilliant size notebook for random lists. The soft cover makes it light to tote around (every gram counts with a dodgy back, mwahaha.)

Lisa Eldridge Velvet Morning lipstick – my favourite orange-red since Lady Danger

3 metre USB cable – so I could charge the phone and use it at the same time without acrobatics. Genius!

11. Where did most of your money go? Airfares.

12. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The Americans final season. What a masterclass in TENSION! The brilliant series finale was so stressful my teeth were actually chattering. As handsome as Mr Bodyguard was, I think Matthew Rhys was ripped off for the Golden Globe for Best Actor the other day!

I love character-driven shows where people grow and change over a stretch of years – the kind of shows that invite deep obsession. I love the routine of watching each episode, poring over online recaps and discussions and podcasts afterwards, dreaming about the characters, and of course, worrying about them years after the show has ended, as though they were real. This show gave me six years of quality obsession and it’ll be hard to ever find that kind of love again. 😉

13. What song will always remind you of this year? Fitness by Lizzo. She would have been my most-played artist on Spotify in 2018, if not for Gareth’s prog and 80s metal cluttering up the mix. We have started the new year with separate accounts, as painful as that was for his thrifty sensibilities!

14. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? Happier.

b) richer or poorer? About the same.

15. What do you wish you’d done more of? Fiction reading.

16. What do you wish you’d done less of? Staying up too late on a school night.

17. How did you spend Christmas? Quietly, in London with the nearest and dearests. Festive dining while watching Home Alone and Jaws on the telly. We did venture out for a walk at one point, then came back for trifle and Home Alone 2!

18. Did you fall in love this year? Oh aye… with these Ottolenghi oven chips with Greek oregano and feta! I first saw these on Nigella’s Instagram a few years ago (they hark from Australian chef George Calombaris) but it wasn’t until I borrowed Simple from the library that I made them. SO GOOD. Crispy in a way I’d never known oven chips to be before.

Ottolenghi chips with feta and oregano

19. What was your favourite TV programme?

Halt and Catch Fire – I watched the first season a couple of years ago after Jason Kottke wrote about his love for it and how he got to be an extra. The first season didn’t grab me so much, but then I saw a few articles that urged to stick with it, for it gets goooood. And it did! It zoomed right into deep obsession and my top 5 series of all time. You may start watching HAFC and think, this is just about two geeky dudes building a computer. But it blossoms into soooo much more. If you grew up alongside the internet it’s cool to watch a show that covers that evolution, but really it’s the characters that got me laughing and crying and utterly hooked.

The Americans – as per joyous ramblings above.

Salt Acid Fat Heat – Unbridled enthusiasm is by far my favourite quality in a person and I could watch the luminous Samin Nosrat talk about food all day. I really hope she makes more programmes soon. If she made one episode per every good thing to eat in the word, I’d tune in. We could start with Cake Laksa Chocolate Bagels!

Mortimer & Whitehouse: Gone Fishing – this was such a funny wee series in which comedian Bob Mortimer (who I crush madly on) is introduced to fishing by comedian Paul Whitehouse. Both of them had recently experienced heart conditions. Each episode has them go for a fishing lesson where they muse on both life’s big questions and minutiae. It’s addictive and touching. My favourite moment was when they cooked dinner for a cardiologist and asked him, “Which one of us do you think is going to die first?”

Billy Connolly: Made In Scotland – in this brilliant two-part documentary Billy talks about his early life in Glasgow, his career, growing older, and his Parkinson’s. It’s hilarious and poignant without ever being sentimental.

Also enjoyed: Sharp Objects, Spiral, Press, Killing Eve, Queer Eye, Feud and Mozart in the Jungle. The latter is one of those shows that I forget about between seasons but always enjoy when it pops up. Classical music, New York City, and Gael García Bernal – you cannae go wrong!

20. What was the best book you read? The Life to Come by Michelle de Kretser. It follows the lives of five Australians, their lives entwining or briefly brushing past over time. I cackled and/or squirmed at the savage observations about writers and expat Australians. Cheers Kim of Reading Matters for the rec!

21. What was your favourite film? I watched Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri on a plane and loved it. I probably should watch it again though as I’ve found when I rewatch films I saw on planes they’re often not as good on the ground, because I’m always a bucket of feelings on a plane. Anyone else get like that!?

Catching up on older films: I enjoyed Arrival and Grand Budapest Hotel.

22. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 41 and it was a quiet and unremarkable day. But the following weekend I went out for tapas with two dear pals and that was spectacular.

23. What kept you sane? Ziggy pats and funny friends.

24. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Lee Pace in Halt And Catch Fire. Even in the 1995 episodes with his terrible hair and glasses that reminded me so much of dot com folks from back in the day.

25. Who did you miss? In June I had an all-too brief trip to Australia. It had been over five years since the last one, and that was too long! I want to prioritise getting back more often because it’s so bittersweet seeing people after such a long gap and realising so much has happened since the last catch-up.

Source: https://www.shaunareid.com/2019/01/2018-review-thingo.html

[letmebeallyours]

Casual

“You can’t wear that.” “Haha, very funny.” “I’m completely serious. You can’t go on this date dressed like that.” Charles looked down at his outfit, suddenly bewildered. He had thought he looked good. Unlike Sam, who had apparently not taken any care with his outfit. Not that it mattered; even in old jeans and a loose t-shirt he would turn heads tonight. “So,” Charles mused, “this is a casual place?” “Very.” “You know, if you just told me where we’re going—“ “It would spoil the fun. And you might say no.” “Why?” he tried to keep the suspicion from his voice, but with Sam acting like this it wasn’t easy. Still, if he noticed he gave no sign of it. Instead, he shook his head, grinning broadly, and shooed Charles back into the bedroom to change. Even after weeks of living here, Charles was still not quite used to New York. It was bigger than Boston, noisier, more crowded. The atmosphere was even less friendly, and on top of that, New York smelled. He hadn’t noticed it all so much on their quick visits to Julia and Annie, but he noticed it now. In spite of that, following Sam through the throngs of people had a charm of its own. He felt less noticeable than he had in Boston, less stared-at. And it was interesting to watch the individuals who made up the crowd, or at least catch glimpses of them—it was like an entirely different culture. And above all, Sam was here. Any place could feel like home as long as he had his Chevalier with him. While lost in this train of thought, he almost didn’t notice his Chevalier had come to a stop. Sam, however, noticed his abstraction, seized his arm, and dragged him through a door that did not strike Charles as being particularly inviting. There was a short hallway, in which Charles could hear muffled sounds that seemed like shouts and—thunder? The walls were tacky; the geometric shapes in dull primary colors seemed to have been there for decades. Before he had time to comment on this or to notice much more, they were through the heavy door on the other end of the hallway, and it all made sense. A bowling alley. Of course it was a bowling alley. How often had Sam mentioned this new-found passion in the last few months? And why else would he need to dress down? He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been bowling, just that he had not particularly enjoyed it. But if this was what Sam wanted to do, he would grin and bear it. Sam pulled him over to the counter to wait in line for shoes. Charles was surprised that a bowling alley actually had a waiting line. He knew, in theory, this was something people did for fun, it was just hard to imagine so many people doing it for fun at the same time. But it was clear the place was busy—apparently Sam was far from the only one who enjoyed this pastime. He hated the bowling shoes rule. He knew it was to protect their floors, but just the idea of wearing these shoes which had been on so many different feet made his stomach churn. He was not a germaphobe exactly, but you had to draw the line somewhere. And yet, no matter how many lines he drew, how many boundaries he set, he knew a look from Sam could wipe them all away. He looked more excited than Charles had seen him all week. True, Charles didn’t see the appeal of this at all, but if it made Sam this happy, he could wear the shoes—just this once. Sam greeted the man with the scruffy beard behind the counter by name (how often was he here?). “Hey Omoo, how’s the novel coming?” “Not so well, at the moment, but it’ll get there. What size?” When they had laced their rented footwear, Charles asked, “Is his name really Omoo?” “No idea, but it’s what everyone calls him.” As they spoke, Sam led him over to the racks of bowling balls. He told Charles to pick one, then set about searching for himself. He watched Sam for a minute or two as he weighed the balls in his hand, spun them in place, tested the feel of the holes, before turning to look for his own. Why did everything to do with bowling have to look so tacky? Was this stuck-in-the-past look part of the alleged appeal? He wouldn’t know what to look for as far as weight or anything else went, so Charles set about looking for a ball that was more subdued than the bright neon or clashing stripes that seemed so popular. He found one that was a deep blue with admittedly too much glitter in the plastic, but it would have to do. “Are you ready?” he asked, several minutes later, wondering what on earth could make such a trivial decision take so long. It seemed Sam had narrowed it down to two options, and he was weighing and testing them both, one after the other, over and over again. Now he turned to Charles, holding them both, and asked, “Saturn or Mercury?” “What?” “Saturn,” he repeated, lifting a deep red ball with jagged black stripes, then lowering it and raising a bright blue one as he concluded, “or Mercury?” “Saturn,” he answered solemnly after a moment of contemplation. “Saturn it is,” Sam nodded, placing Mercury gently back on the rack.   Sam punched their names into the machine, and stepped up for his first frame. Watching him, Charles began to feel maybe this idea had its merits after all. There was a grace about him, a litheness in the way he stood, the way he took a step or two, the curve of his arm as he sent the ball flying down the alley. Charles didn’t notice where it hit, he was too absorbed in watching Sam grind his heel in impatience.  Then the ball returned to him and Charles got to watch it all again. This time the annoyed gesture of his foot was replaced with a subdued but triumphant twist of the wrist. Charles glanced past him to see what for; he had gotten a spare. “You’re up,” Sam grinned as he came to sit down. “So I just… roll it?” Charles was suddenly panicky. He knew he would not be nearly so graceful, not to mention he would probably be lucky to hit even one pin. “You really don’t know how to bowl?” “It’s been awhile.” “Just aim for the middle.” He picked up his ball and stepped forward, acutely self-conscious. When he went to let it go, it seemed to catch on his thumb and hooked sharply to the side. He didn’t even need to look to know it had gone straight into the gutter. He stepped back, ears burning. He could tell Sam was trying desperately not to laugh. As he waited for the ball to come back, Sam spoke up. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not like either of us expected you to win anyway.” There was a self-assured glint in his eyes as he said this that was infuriating. It was true, certainly, but there had been no need to point it out. When the ball came back, Charles barely looked before he threw it angrily down the lane. He didn’t watch its progress, just turned to sit back down. The surprise on Sam’s face took him aback, and he turned to look after all. Apparently he had done something right—every pin was down. They both just stared at this small miracle for a moment, before Sam hopped up again. “Beginner’s luck,” he muttered as he took his ball and stepped past Charles. But Charles’s lucky shot must have thrown Sam off, because his ball went wide and he only hit two pins. He got most of the rest in the next try, but Charles did even better and was ahead at the end of the second frame. When they had finished the third frame and Charles had a distinct lead, Sam looked intensely at him and said, “If I didn’t know any better, I would say I’ve been hustled.” Charles sputtered indignantly, which only made Sam laugh. But then a run of luck for Sam and a series of unfortunate splits for Charles brought their scores neck and neck, as they stayed more or less throughout the game. Charles won by just a couple of points, and Sam immediately demanded a rematch. Charles was surprised to find that he was happy to comply.

[nickzimmermandesign]

Creative Output Project

For my Creative Output project, I decided to make concept art for a game that I’m working on. The game is a fast-paced 2D fighting game that I want to hand-animate with art inspired by classic 80s and 90s mecha anime and cartoons, like Gundam, Voltron, etc. ---

Month One: Research, Learning, Initial Ideation

In order to start making concept art for my game, I had to figure out what I wanted to create and how to actually draw it in that style.

To figure out what shows I wanted to have influence the concept art, I started rewatching a few episodes from each of the memorable mecha series  I watched when I was a kid. Over the course of the month, I ended up watching several episodes from the various shows in the Gundam series, Evangelion, Robotech, and Voltron. Additionally, I watched the ‘2017 Giant Robot Duel’ between the US and Japan for further influence. While watching all of these, I took note of which mechs I liked certain design aspects of, and later printed out pictures of them and put them on the wall near my desk.

I figured that having them on the wall near my desk would allow me to visually recall the mech easily, as well as serve as inspiration while ideating for my own robots.

As for how to actually create the concept art, one way I taught myself was that I managed to get a hold of a few books on how to draw in the style of anime/manga.

I used these books for references and tutorials towards the beginning of teaching myself the art style. Most of the tutorials were relatively easy and short, so I think a couple of the books may have been targeted more towards very-beginner artists. Once I felt I had a decent grip on the anime-style art that underlies the mecha genre, I went to Google and found some tutorials online on how to draw mecha. Unfortunately, not all of them were helpful, as many of them involved mostly just the artist drawing at an inhuman pace with little-to-no commentary or instruction. I did manage to find some helpful guides though, which are linked below!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXWdzbC_46Ahttps://www.sketchbook.com/blog/how-to-draw-mechs-basics/https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoP15ZfN1uwhttps://khallandra.deviantart.com/journal/Tips-and-Tricks-Mecha-Basics-564576627

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Month Two: Mech #1’s Ideation and Creation

Now it was time to make the concept art for the first mech in my game! I started off the process by sketching ideas for the mech’s head. 

After sketching those, I spent the next couple weeks brainstorming, and the ideas on these pieces of paper inevitably made the Wall of Inspiration.

Finally, I sketched out the first character in full. Although it looked rather simple, since it was one of the first times I’d ever really made a character this complex before from my own imagination, I had a lot of trouble with it. In addition to the overall difficulty of drawing something as complex as mecha, I kept erasing after I drew things, attempting to either redraw what I just drew to make it perfect, or to add something else I had just thought of while drawing the initial lines. In total, drawing that out took me roughly five hours, and I was really happy with what came out of that session. 

Pretty cool drawing right? I though so too. 

However, when I put the drawing into Illustrator during my next session, I became significantly less happy with it. Image Trace didn’t do it justice and wasn’t even workable, so I had to hand-trace it with the Pen tool, which took hours. As I was tracing over it with the Pen tool, it started to look cheesier and cheesier, which was worrying me. I felt like I was some teenager passing time making MS Paint art during computer class. 

About halfway through, I kept minorly tweaking small lines and the placement of small shapes in attempts to make it better. Despite these attempts, I couldn’t manage to make the mech look any better. I even gave it a couple of days and went back to it, still couldn’t do much with it, so I hoped for the best and colored it in. 

Overall, I think Mech #1 came out a lot better than I expected it to after giving it some color. I still am not super happy with it, and I like how the head looked in the second draft much better compared to how it turned out here. I think it came out okay, but something about it feels forced to me, like you could tell I was trying to use an art style that wasn’t really my own. I still can’t shake that ‘kid messing around in MS Paint due to boredom’ feeling every time I look at it, which actually really upsets me because of how much effort and time I put into it to make it specifically not come off like that. Finishing this mech taught me the most important lesson in art I’ve learned to date: imitating the style of others will only lead to output that doesn’t meet your expectations. I thought I learned this a long time ago with music, but I guess I needed a reminder session. 

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Month Three: Mech #2′s Ideation and Creation

My original plan for the last month of my constant output project was to animate the first mech I made, and put that robot into the game I was working on. I had been learning how to use Spine, a rigging animation software, for a couple weeks beforehand, and had even begun to work on animating Mech #1. However, shortly after, my team and I decided to sideline the fighting game in order to build on a separate prototype for a game we didn’t initially think of or expect to make. So, I decided that in order to continue working on the game in a productive manner, I should make more concept art, and animate both according to their finalized character move-sets when the project gets to that point. Also, I really wanted to give creating a mech another try, and I had an idea for a robot that I thought would be kind of cool. I felt like I tried too hard to imitate my influencers while making it, and that the resultant output was lacking because of it. 

For the second mech, I decided to design it mainly using my art style, while still taking minor design notes from the creators who influenced me to pursue this project in the first place. This time around, I had actually came up with the majority of the mech I wanted to make on the subway, so instead of repeatedly iterating on the various ways I could go with it like I did with the first design, I just went in and started drawing a draft of it. 

I wanted the next character I designed to be a tank-y powerful-yet-slow character, so I decided to go for a more sturdy-looking mech design. I also wanted to give the character powerful projectiles to make up for its slow movement speed, so I took note of Heavyarms from Gundam Wing and made one of the mech’s arms a gun, except instead of a gatling machine gun like Heavyarms, this character has a three-barrel laser cannon. I consciously decided to stop trying to overcomplicate the mech. The circle in the chest was meant as a way to shoot a ‘super-attack’ in the form of a massive laser beam.

This was the final sketch before I scanned it into Illustrator to edit next session. I decided against throwing in the chest-hole ultimately to both keep the semi-minimalistic aesthetic I was going for, and keep the design from being a bit too Pacific-Rim-y for my taste. (Side note: while the drawing was still in sketch form like this, one of my friends said that the laser cannon arm reminded him of three pieces of bundled chalk, and I still can’t unsee it.)

This was how Mech #2 looked after I finished tracing it with the Pen tool (Image Trace couldn’t get it close enough to right so I just went at it manually again). I didn’t change much on this design from the last step other than that I shortened the laser cannons (and reshaped them to look slightly less like chalk) and slightly changed the shape of the mech’s head. 

This is the final version of Mech #2. I really liked how this came out after being colored. It felt much more ‘me’ than Mech #1, and I felt like that shows through the design quality upon comparison. Only change to it other than the coloring (which was changed at least ten times before this image was exported) was that I added circles in the laser cannon so the cannons didn’t look like grey chalk (I couldn’t shake it). I can’t say enough about how much happier I am with this mech design than the first one. I hope that when I get around to doing the concept art for Mech #3 I like it as much as I like this one. 

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Conclusion:

So that’s what I did for my Monthly Output this semester! I really enjoyed learning to draw mechs, even if I wasn’t the biggest fan of my first design. I’ve always wanted to learn how to draw them, so this was a lot of fun for me to do. Learning a new art style is very difficult, and honestly I definitely have yet to master it. I guess that’s why the same studio has been making Gundam for 40+ years. I still feel like I have a long way to go until I get to the point of feeling comfortable putting my own designs in games I make, so these will probably stay as concept art to hand off to an illustrator for now. I’m really excited to keep at this. I may not be the Gundam animators yet, but I feel like I can hold my own a little bit now, which is way more than I could say at the beginning of the semester!

[joshuazev]

On Accommodating, Pilates, Inside Out Umbrellas, and Mosquito Bites:

It was raining outside today.  Just drizzling, though.  It wasn’t as bad as it has been in a series of wet days these past couple of weeks.  Seattle people always love to take credit for the weather when it rains in cities that aren’t used to it.  “We bring it with us wherever we go,” they like to say.  I’ll admit my expectation for rainy days in New York City wasn’t exactly high.  I mean, it’s not the desert.  It’s gonna rain sometimes.  In the last month there were a couple of really really rough days and not like I’m used to seeing in the past year.  Early in my experience it would rain for a couple seconds and you’d see everyone huddled underneath storefronts and staying inside of stores and shops to wait until the rain subsided, but these days it’s become unavoidable.  The faces of New Yorkers when it rains!  What a sight.  It’s like looking at a whole bunch of Robert De Niro impersonators, you know what I mean?  Faces scrunched in like they don’t wanna look ahead, but are also forced to deal with a fart or something in the room.  It’s great.

I think I need to start taking different routes to the subway station.  I used to go one way, then I went another, but now I might just be out of options (if I want to get to work on time, at least).  The morning faces are familiar.  The Mexican man cleaning the grill and setting up the food truck.  The guys on the corner of the street taking out the huge boxes of fresh fruits and vegetables.  The mothers on the way to the butcher shop.  The non-barber cleaning up the barbershop floor.  The faces of “The Heights.”  If I decide to go the second way, which really isn’t too much of a shortcut at all, I walk straight towards the neighborhood precinct.  I haven’t been inside that establishment yet, of course, I haven’t necessarily had a reason to either.  When I take that hard right on Broadway I walk past a laundromat, and then a salon that has several generations of women attending to one another with great big “Mars Attacks” spheres hovering over their heads and then the deli on the corner, which is famous in my book because it is the only place I know of in my area that sells the beloved Sriracha hot sauce.  

The A Train.  My beautiful despised A train.  My sporadic-express horrible-on-the-weekends crowded-at-the-worst times schedule-fucker-upper handy-dandy Manhattan express A train.  I love you.  I hate you.  I’m married to you in the mornings and divorced from you at night.  No hard feelings, baby.  

I think I’ve done Pilates before.  Like as a joke.  I’ve never done a full session of back-breaking exercises focused on durability and flexibility that are absolutely excruciating if you’ve never done them before.  But hey, sounds like fun, right?  Today I did an hour of Pilates and I thought I was going to break into pieces and go full Voldemort and disappear into oblivion.  I felt my abs coming out my back.  I think I looked like an 80 year old with no cane trying to reach an unknown location on his toes.  The stretches and twists and awkward pushing were awfully uncomfortable at the beginning, but oddly satisfying by the end.  Pilates gives you that sensation of feeling more open than normal as if your limbs are a little looser and your body is a bit more connected.  There are all sorts of weird contraptions and movements and foreign positions that scared me initially (nobody wants to look like a beginner at anything), however by the end of the session I felt more centered than I had in quite some time since beginning weight lifting.

I don’t remember what types of things I’ve asked before on these posts, but have I ever asked why gyms have so many mirrors or how mirrors have become so dominant in workout facilities other than the obvious “people like to look at themselves” argument?  One of these days I’m gonna keep track how many times I look in the mirror.  I figure anything less than ten in a one hour workout session is solid.  Anything over ten and I’m checking myself into an ego clinic.  

I woke up in the morning with my thumb tingling.  It’s happened before, but usually on my hand.  In past cases it’s been because I’ve fallen asleep on it.  That’s always pretty strange—when you wake up in the morning and your hand is asleep, so you pinch your hand as hard as you can until you regain some feeling.  This tingling was a little different.  After further examination I discovered it was a Mosquito bite.  A mosquito bite.  On my fucking thumb.  The outer part of it.  What the hell is that?  First off, I thought mosquito bites could only give you one bite and then they would be at capacity.  If I find out that one mosquito is responsible for the three bites that I have on me then I’ll…I’ll…I’ll be pretty impressed because those little noisy sons of bitches can really pack a punch.  Weirdest places to get a mosquito bite gotta be:  your face (because it’s not a pimple, so it just looks weird), outer thumb, earlobe, and butt cheek.  I’m done, don’t worry.

Over the course of the day and going in and out of Equinox and around midtown I had a truly joyous experience watching people struggle with their umbrellas.  It was windy, like I said earlier, so everyone was really struggling mightily.  A lot of New Yorkers haven’t learned that the $5 dollar umbrellas you can buy from the guy outside of the subway have a one gust limit before those cheaply made apparatuses go completely inside out and you’re left with a oddly shaped metal pole that looks like it could have got 100th place in metal shop class.  Sometimes your eyes will follow someone fighting to control their umbrella with the wind and you’ll watch them slow their steps and pull down like a rope pulling contest until the wind wins and the protective layering just goes haywire like, “I’m done with this shit.  The wind won.  You’re getting rained on.  Tough shit.”  People gotta just start getting hats.  

That pretty much brings me to accommodating.  Selling yourself short.  Being a closed mouth that’s not getting fed.  Example:  There is a four person play.  Two men and two women.  Two women roles are set.  Two men roles up for grabs.  One of the roles is the quiet brother and the other is the demonstrative one.  You can play both characters.  You like both characters.  You’ve done scenes of the quiet one and monologues of the demonstrative one.  The latter is fireworks.  The former is a beautiful character that doesn’t speak much.  Let’s face it, you want the talky one.  You get together for a read through and within the first couple moments the girls ask who wants to read for who.  You don’t like conflict.  You prefer comfortable and easy situations as opposed to hard difficult ones.  The other actor says he gravitated to the talky demonstrative one, so in other words a conflict could be on the horizon.  You don’t want that though.  In these types of situations you’d rather just have someone else choose to take the pressure of your back.  Where you at Pilates??  You do the read through.  It was OK.  Something felt a little absent, but it was fun to read it out loud.  You wonder what it would have been like to read for the other one.  The women suggest that you can split performances doing the characters.  “Yeah, that’d be ok, I guess.”  The meeting is done.  You feel like lately you’ve been overlooked for a lot of these roles and naturally you wonder why.  In your brain you’re perfect for all of them and you want the challenge and you want to show them you can do it.

So, speak up.  And stop accommodating.