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erika-being-erika · 4 years ago

Text

More levihan reccomendations!

Part 1

• One Last Time by PiercingThePage

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Levi & Hanji have been dating for about 3 years in highschool. He starts to have feelings for one of the pretty girls names Petra Ral. After he starts cheating on Hanji with her, he decides he wants out of the relationship. Until the day he decides to tell her, ends up being the day she tells him that she's pregnant. Will they make it out well, or will Levi start to realize he is becoming his own dead beat dad

• Having My Baby by Countess_Dorkula

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Another SNK Kink Meme fill. Follow Levi and Hanji as they go through the marvelous adventure towards parenthood.

• catch me if you can by fanmoose12

[Multi-chapter || on going]

Summary:

The Ackerman duo. Just the mention of this name filled Hange with so many feelings. Mostly, when she reread the files of their cases over and over, until her eyes watered, she felt pricking annoyance. Sometimes, when she stared at the dead bodies of those scarce unfortunates who stumbled upon their crimes, she was filled with hatred and a pushing need for revenge. Hange couldn't deny, however, there were times when she marveled at the impudence of their crimes. And, when she was investigating the Ackerman's cases and saw just how meticulously planned they all were, she couldn't help but feel something close to fascination.

No one knew who they were. No one had seen their faces, no one knew their true names. Almost everyone knew of their crimes.

Hange was determined to unravel every last one of their secrets. She will put an end to their crimes and then she will get the elusive Ackermans behind bars.

• Partners by fanmoose12

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

When Petra was promoted to a detective and partnered up with legendary Levi Ackerman, she felt like the happiest person in the world.

But, as she soon found out, detective Ackerman she used to admire so much was actually a far cry from the ideal policeman Petra thought he was. He was rude, harsh and easily annoyed.

And, in addition, he still hadn’t moved on from the death of his previous partner - detective Hange Zoe.

• can't keep my hands off you by fanmoose12

[Multi-chap || completed]

Summary:

Hange, Levi and their not so secret relationship.

• Looking for You by fanmoose12

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Returning from a long mission, all Levi wanted was to spend sometime with Hange. But instead he got a message from Erwin, urging him to come to HQ. There he found out, that Hange was missing for over a week and that his new mission is to partner with Moblit, Hange's loyal assistant, and together find and bring Hange home.

• A Tale of Two Slaves by TundrainAfrica

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

"Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn't exist. Everything's a choice. And Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him."

Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn't.

• Free-Falling by djmarinizela

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Skydiver and tea shop owner Levi Ackerman meets the town’s resident mad scientist and tries to convince himself that he's not falling for her.

• All of Me by MannaTea

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

By the time they reached the trees, Sylvia's sides were heaving, her flanks covered in sweat-foam, but they couldn't afford to stop; two titans had become more. Hange refused to look behind her, but she could tell by the way the ground shook that one of them was at least a 13-meter class.

And all she had with her was one blade and a horse who was about to drop dead of exhaustion.1

• Dreams May Not Come True by MannaTea

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Levihan. Hange knows something is wrong when she goes down to breakfast one morning and the smell makes her stomach churn.

• Something Like Destiny by MannaTea

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Reincarnation AU. Zoë doesn't have dreams; she just knows.

• A Dangerous Game by just_quintessentially_me

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

A snk 1920′s AU:

Sina is wild, crowded, bursting with industry. Home to jazz, fashion - and corruption. Crooked politicians, dirty police, and powerful gangs have turned the city into a cesspit of violence where the powerful rule. At the center of the chaos are the Ackermans - one of the most powerful gangs in the city, Mayor Fritz - who is as corrupt as he is wealthy, Erwin - a police commander determined to weed out the corruption in his own department, and Hanji - a journalist willing to risk everything to expose their city’s darkest secrets.

• A Simple Choice by just_quintessentially_me

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

The rain had started up again. Fat droplets drummed over her hood, drenching the fabric. Her horse’s reins were wet and cold; though her fingers, numbed from continued exposure to the elements, could hardly feel them.

Following the sound of the explosion, they’d arrived at a clearing. It was a mess of blackened, shattered wood, and the wagon, a skeleton, was little more than a smoking husk. Beyond the wreckage, a titan lay prostrate. Felled, its limp, hulking form was barely visible through the rain.

As soldiers shouted, pointing at the creature, one of the horses still tethered to the ruined wagon, writhed. When the beast screamed a broken, panicked wail, her own horse shifted, flanks twitching with unease.

Hanji barely noticed.

The soldiers' voices, the poor beast’s screams, even the heavy, even thrum of rain - had silenced as she looked to the river.

A body lay at the edge of the dark, white-capped water.

• License to Science (And Kill) by just_quintessentially_me

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

When International criminal organization, TITAN, successfully steals an arsenal of missiles along with their encrypted launch codes, Code Blue is initiated. It up to Agent Levi Ackerman, a spy in a class of his own, and Research scientist Hanji Zoe, the premiere authority on the organization, to halt a global catastrophe in its tracks.

She lowered her glasses, brown eyes blinking over the rims. “Does this mean I have a-” One brow lifted. “License to Science?”

“No. But I do have a License to Kill. Don’t tempt me to use it.”

• Aftermath by just_quintessentially_me

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Levi rushes to the wall in the aftermath of the Armored and Colossal Titans' attack.

“Are you worried about your wife?”

The question shocked him out of his musings.

Levi looked up, “My what?”

But the pastor was already speaking, “You’re obviously beside yourself with stress – and it’s understandable. Not knowing if your wife has survived-”

Levi cut him off, “My what?”

The pastor hesitated, apparently realizing he’d made some mistake, but misunderstanding precisely what it was. “Your…wife? The woman we traveled with before? She’s ah – forceful. You two uh – have the same, er – strident personality. When we first met, she dangled me off the wall.”

• Terrible Things by someonestolemyshoes

[One-shot]

Summary:

The first time he tells her she’s pretty, Hange is all kinds of filthy - sweaty, dirty, twigs in her hair and mud on her shoes and a great big disgusting ball of everything Levi hates.

She is also crying.

It isn’t like he’s never seen her cry before - they’re nine and crying is just what kids do, especially kids like Hange who like to play with things they probably shouldn’t play with and like to climb trees even though they’re kind of clumsy and so the crying, in it’s self, isn’t all that weird.

What’s weird is that Hange - Hange, with her print-smudged glasses and ratty ponytail and clothes two sizes too big for her - is crying because a boy called her ugly.

• Acquiescence by 3LevisInATrenchcoat

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

On Judgement Day, the tide brought someone strange.

• My soulmate by a_golden_hearted_snk_fan

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

When your soulmate gets injured or hurt, their injuries show up on your skin with a slight sting then slowly fade. It was a rare thing to occur, but Levi and Hanji were the lucky ones.

• SOS by djmarinizela

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Levi is a reclusive senior student who shares an apartment with Mike, Nanaba, and his best friend, Hange, who he's secretly in love with. Oddly enough, they also belong to the same secret club with a special operations squad. The 104th cohort is a bunch of freshmen misfits they've taken under their wing, Moblit is Hange's lab partner also vying for her affections, while Erwin’s the newest instructor who doesn’t know how to teach. And they say school is fun.

• the moon is dark by alteirkay

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

His face was wet.

“What the hell?” He murmured touching his face to see if he was mistaken. He was not. His hair was damp with sweat. There was an uneasiness invading his whole body. He was filled with it like he had drunk it straight from a bottle. His chest was heavy, his breaths were uneven, and his right eye was throbbing like a hammer was hitting at it continuously.

He was feeling like he had just lost someone.

• The Experiment by KakashiSensei

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

After a public brawl between them, Commander Erwin confines Captain Levi and Zoë Hange to barracks. When the Survey Corps next heads out, they are left behind as a punishment. Soon bored out of her mind, Hange turns her scientific curiosity towards the most interesting specimen within her reach: Levi. When his past reaches out to him to claim him back, she joins him on a dangerous journey. Do budding feelings have a chance in the most desolate of places?

• windmill by alteirkay

[One-shot]

Summary:

Here is the thing about Levi, his heart is a windmill in the middle of a wilderness where there was no wind to make it twirl, there was no wind to make it beat, pound and feel. Just feel.

Until one day he got hit by a storm so wild, so rare and so incredibly terrifying but in the most beautiful and breath-taking way that it left him defenceless, vulnerable and weak. Like a tiny little flower which had long passed its day of blossoming in a fierce, winter dawn yet it stood erect with its fragile body, challenging against the merciless winds and the brutal frost.

He fell in love.

• In Your Shoes by Neighborhood_Nori

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary

Levi, Paradis Studio's strict ballet instructor, can't stand the newly hired hip-hop instructor, Hanji. As a ballet dancer with his own complicated history with hip-hop, Levi only has respect for the more refined forms of dance. Can Hanji change his mind about her and her style of dance through determination, persistence, and her passion for dance?

• Distractions by Rookblonkorules

[One -shot]

Summary:

Hange’s love for pop culture interferes with her and Levi’s work.

It’s annoying.

• Leave You Whole. by zerothecreator

[One-shot]

Summary:

Levi spends his last moments in Hangë’s arms.

• Moments by Anonymous

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Levihan Modern AU

She's a long-legged, sun-kissed beauty with tattoos in hidden places and multiple piercings.

Her leather jacket's on his bedroom floor, her ripped jeans too and she's pretty sure one of her heeled scarlet boots got left in the living room in their haste last night. At least her glasses are on top of the bedside drawer- they managed that, at least.

• more baby snacks by argethara

[One-shot]

Summary:

Levi tries to find out how and why boxes of Udo's biscuits are gone.

• Anniversary by EllePellano

[One-shot]

Summary:

AU One-shot: Erwin and Levi have a short conversation about the woman they both loved

• All We Are by TundrainAfrica

[One-shot]

Summary:

"We’re what’s left of the old survey corps Levi. We’re all alone.”

“We can’t be alone if there’s two of us.”

“So what do you suggest Captain Levi?”

“We stick together…” Levi answered. “We stick together, Commander Hange.”

During the time skip, Hange and Levi's relationship develops.

• Thin Ice by Xenobia

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Takes place between events in chapter 90 of the manga. Hange, now commander of Survey Corps, commissions Captain Levi to scout territory in the mountains to search for a supply tower she believes may still be stocked. The scouts need all the supplies and currency they can get in order to carry on with their goals. Against his better judgment, Levi joins her on this excursion. The bitter, early winter makes their mission harder than expected, however. The pair find themselves relying on each other to survive, and they find it increasingly difficult to treat one another as comrades in arms and nothing more.

• Hidden Meanings by WhatHistoryForgets

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Hange never thought a materialistic item could mean so much to her until she lost it.

• Of teacups and stale bread

[One-shot]

Summary:

Five times Hange prepared tea for Levi, and the one time that he did.

• Unintended Consequence(s) by Ella3982

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

Not all of the Anti-Personnel Control Squad died when the cavern collapsed. Some of them escaped through the tunnel Hange, Moblit, and Armin used. When the two parties meet, the Anti-Personnel Control Squad takes the three Survey Corps members hostage with the intent to force the Survey Corp's hand. However, when they find out that Kenny Ackerman has died, they become more desperate.

If the Uprising Arc had ended a bit differently, how would it alter the course of the story? What would change, and what would stay the same?

• A Fire in the Shadows by free_pancakes

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

LeviHan in an Avatar the Last Airbender AU - a side story occurring alongside the events of ATLA

Levi, the nephew of a fire nation captain, stumbles upon a ragtag group of 5 known as the Scouts, formidably known for foiling the plans of local fire nation control, living in the forests a few miles north of Ba Sing Se.

• Speak Your Dark Pleasures to Me by Lamia of the Dark (VisceraNight)

Summary:

A collection of drabbles and oneshots exploring a sexual relationship between Levi and Hanji.

• Tips & Tricks by Sleepyheadven

[One-shot]

Summary:

Eren’s brow was furrowed forward in confusion as he spoke. “I thought you said that staring at people isn’t nice?” He said after a few moments, gathering his thoughts. He seemed genuinely bewildered as to why she was intensely staring down a stranger when she had told him countless times before that it was impolite to do so.

Oh, lord, was her only thought as she quickly scrambled for an excuse. “I - Uh - well, sometimes people stare at other people because -” before she could even begin to form a proper sentence, Eren interjected. She wasn’t sure whether to be grateful or dismayed by his actions.

“Is it because you think he’s cute? My friend Ymir stares at my friend Krista that way all the time, she says it’s because she’s so pretty!” Eren babbled happily, oblivious to the way Hange’s grip around the handle of the cart tightened. Her brown eyes darted back and forth between the stranger and her son, hoping that he couldn’t overhear their conversation seeing as Eren wasn’t the softest of speakers.

• A drunk man always tells the truth by krissixh

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Levi finds out that Hanji is engaged to a rich man. He gets drunk that night and confronts her his feelings. The two have to confront a lot of difficulties to be able to end as a couple.

• Relapses by Oreotragus

[Multi-chapt || completed]

Summary:

Despite having become a great asset to humankind, Captain Levi still has some trouble adjusting to his post-crime lifestyle, especially the social aspects of it. One extremely badly coordinated step out of his comfort zone creates a grand mess that he has to clean up.

• Weight of Survival by otterbeans

[One-shot]

Summary:

Hanji gives birth to Levi's unintentional child. She pretends to be surprised when he shows up for it.

• Don't drink the kool-aid by smallblip

[One-shot]

Summary:

Think of a number between one and ten. Because that's how you love in this world. First you toss out the word love. You tell it to its face that Commander Erwin Smith says “love is the ultimate cult of men... A sect... A dirty ploy by the whatever god is up there to make us all vulnerable..."

And then, everything falls into place.

• until another thursday evening by pinkweirdsunsets

[Multi-chapt || on going]

Summary:

and ever since they were only five, Levi had protected her, whether it was from the daily shenanigans she came up with or the criminal background he came from. She was his sunshine, messy and grinning, and he shielded her away from all terrible things.

until zeke yeager came along.

• Make It Make Sense! By cznpai

[Multi-chapt || completed]

I can't add the summary cause I've reached the limit. Welp i still have a lot of fics here so ill make a another post of reccomendations... HAHA bye!

#levihan #levi x hange #levihan oneshot #levihan fanfic #levihans #pls tell me if i putted the wrong link #guess im gonna make a part 3 ��👄👁#i thought all of them will fit in here #guess im wrong lol #k bye!

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goodvibesandmemes · 4 years ago

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METAL LYRIC MEMES: “Will to Power” Arch Enemy 🤘🏾 🤘🏾 ↳ Please feel free to tweak them etc.

Note: I didn’t use all of the tracks because not all of them had lyrics that spoke to me as good prompts. Some I thought would be inappropriate to use as a prompt (as the subject matter too serious).

BLOOD IN THE WATER:

“There's blood in the water.” “There's fear in the air.” “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and we're all running scared.” “Yesterday's deals were just a dream.” “There's profit in prophets, too much money in lies.” “Round and round we go, where this will end nobody knows.” “Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.” “Have we finally run out of road?” “You can't build a wall high enough, can't dig a deep enough hole.” “Wave goodbye to humanity.” “There's a monster under your bed.” “You created it, so don't be scared.”

THE WORLD IS YOURS:

“Rise into the light, set flame to the night.” “Sick of being told how to run your life?” “Empty words that promised so much.” “Their precious status quo remained untouched.” “If you want the world, use your mind, take control.” “Feel the strength, rise from within, if you really want it, the world is yours.” “Burn their golden cage and walk away.” “Justice will be done.” “When the bough breaks, the empire will fall.”

THE EAGLE FLIES ALONE:

“When I was born the seed was sown” “I don't believe in heaven, I don't believe in hell.” “Never joined the herd, could not adjust well.” “I choose my own path, set myself free.” “I, I go my own way, I swim against the stream.” “Forever I will fight the pοwers that be.” “I suffered defeat only to rise again.” “This world is full of lies and deceit.” “Reject the system that dictates the norm.”

REASON TO BELIEVE:

“There's a scar on your heart.” “But your journey's just begun.” “The story's far from done.” “Stop hurting yourself.” “Self hatred I know it well, It's dragging you down.” “There's a reason to believe again.” “There's a reason to go on.” “Always keep on fighting, my friend.” “They don't understand you, and they hate what they don't understand. You are more than they'll ever know.” “Like sand through your fingers. Don't let your life slip away.” “This prison of glass can't hold you back no more.” “Listen to me now.” “You are more than they'll ever know.”

MURDER SCENE:

“Reality is force-feeding me anguish and regret.” “Turning a blind eye won't make the world disappear.” “The second sight returns.” “This once so sacred place is now a murder scene.” “Your name? Just a soliloquy, dead to me.” “You, once so close to me.” “Your presence will forever be dead to me.”

MY SHADOW AND I:

“You bathe in sorrow, drowning in hate.” “You kill tomorrow, fighting against the fates.” “Wipe that smile off your face.” “Nobody drives you down the less travelled road.” “We know the way through.” “You think you know at whom you're staring?” “Give up the pretence, it's sink or swim.” “Though you're made of darkness, you only appear in the light.” “You made your bed, now lay.” “Raise hell, unite the fire and sky.” “We know the right way to go.”

A FIGHT I MUST WIN:

“I've lived in darkness, stood in the light.” “Crawled through the shadows, between wrong and right.” “One thing I know for sure: this is a fight I must win!” “I crash against the ground below.” “Got to pick myself up, get on with the show.” “I can feel the coming storm.” “There's a demon I have to control.” “Fight the demon dwelling within.” “I'm not like I was before, I'm something less, I'm something more.” “This life has been bittersweet.” “Alone in my cloak of lead.” “Heard all the answers, most of them lies.” “It's not the first time, won't be the last time.”

#ask meme #lyric ask meme #lyric meme #metal ask meme #ask box #lyricaskmeme #Arch Enemy Ask Meme #tw: depression #tw: negative thoughts

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auricbound · 4 years ago

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💚guilty time.

memories meme. | accepting.

it’s an unnaturally cold night in alenthaal.

so far, they’re only a month in. just barely three more before the promised day arrives, and ed’s been trying his fucking hardest to keep it together. lum’s been doing her best to help him with what she can, only being one piece to their little therapy puzzle.

neither of them can sleep. for lum, it’s a matter of the chill reminding her too much of lucaun’s funeral. for him, it’s a matter of his body feeling like its fucking on fire, with every fiber of his being trembling uncontrollably as he gets through another night without al.

lauriam’s old room. that’s what this was- where he was staying for the next three months or so. he’s not just in some inn, he’s in a HOME, a home that isn’t his, a home without alphonse by his side.

it doesn’t feel right. it really, really doesn’t feel right. this bed should not belong to him. this space should not belong to him. he doesn’t deserve it, not with how much trouble he’s given lum since he first came here. how much trouble he’s given all of her “group” since coming to this one place they knew would be safe from the influence of central command.

it’s all just buzzing as he slams his pen down, no longer able to focus. his sight has abandoned him, and quite frankly, he doesn’t think he can look at these alkehestry arrays for even a second longer.

taking in new information has been a problem for him ever since he saw the gate, and he can’t fucking take it anymore. his head feels like it’s going to explode along with the rest of him.

just like always, the world around him has darkened. although morbid, he’s found a sense of comfort in it. even with the rest of him falling apart, he can always count on this dreadful emptiness returning.

it’s been his one and only constant. every single night, without fail, it’s returned, trying to embrace him. trying to drag him down completely. he’s resisted, of course.

he’s of no use to al dead. getting his body back is a joint effort, and he knows that. no matter how much his own mind tries to convince him otherwise, he’s at least able to think that one portion through. it doesn’t stop his fantasies, though.

“ ed ? it’s me. are you up ? ”

he doesn’t turn. he can feel her, behind the door, no matter how faint her presence may be to him right now. she’s probably just about the only person he can sense, with how powerful charity’s energy is compared to the rest of humanity.

at least he can’t hear the screaming of a philosopher’s stone from within her like with greed. only the static of the gate accompanies her being, though he’d be lying if he said he didn’t prefer the former.

he’s gotten all too used to the unending cries of his own conscience.

“ ... yeah. come on in, lum. ”

ed can’t even hear himself speak. he makes no effort to turn in his chair, knowing full well that lum’s already trudged over to his side, sleep deprived and holding what’s probably her third mug of coffee.

“ any progress s’ far ? can’t make heads or tails of anythin’ on my end. ”

“ ... no. can’t- can’t focus. sorry. ”

wordlessly, she puts an arm around his back, gently as possible, and squeezes. his voice is probably shaking like the rest of him.

“ ... it’s okay, edward. you don’t have to push yourself, alright? it’s not goin’ anywhere. i won’t go anywhere, either. we can work on this for as long as we need to. ”

he knows already, but he lets her say it again anyways. his scar always flares to life whenever any of them say it, but it’s stabilizing. it makes him feel like a person again.

he can’t see anything that’s not within an inch of him anymore. it always gets like this, right when it’s about to hit at its worst. but he should be fine. lum’s here with him. she knows how to help with his panic attacks. this is just going to be like any other night so far. his chest is just going to close up like always when the phantom suffocates him, and he’ll have al’s lum’s hand at his back to force him to breathe.

“ oh, but you wish it could be that simple, don’t you, edward ? ”

no. no, this isn’t right. it- it always appeared in front of him, no matter what. those blank white eyes meant to copy his would stare into his own, taunting him, just like they always have.

it was only the hands that ever formed from the back. he was always choked from behind, with the smoky reflection trying to drag him back down from the front. trying to keep him down.

luitumi vanishes. he can only feel it, the inescapable wave, crushing his back as the horrible mimic sounds from his left side.

lum is gone.

his one method of grounding, and he can no longer see or feel her. he can only feel those claws gripping at every part of him once again, the phantom tendrils from the gate returning to assist.

for the first time this night, he turns, face to face with the creature he’s created. the form is too human for him to be comfortable with.

“ did you honestly think getting used to it would help, edward ? i am you. we are one, bound together for as long as we live. it’s my job to make sure you and i remain EQUALS. ”

“ sh- shut up. y-you’re not fuckin’ real- you’re not- ! i know you aren’t- ! you’re just- you’re just some shit m’ brain made up, you’re not- ”

“ am i, edward, truly? ”

“ then why don’t you do yourself a favor then and prove it ? i’m right here. if i were truly some figment of your imagination, you should be able to kill me with your own mental will. ” “ or are you too much of a coward to go through with your own fantasies of killing yourself ? it wouldn’t do any harm. you’ll finally be able to see your own truth, edward. ”

his heart leaps. there is nothing grounding him, not anymore. there is nothing to keep him from acting out on his pure hatred for himself.

desperate for an answer, the phantom is quickly pinned to the ground, ed’s own hands wrapping around its neck. no longer will he be the one suffocating. he won’t- he can’t. he’s so tired of drowning, so tired of it.

“ y-you can’t- i won’t let you. n-not a’ymore. n-not ever again. you’re not r e a l . ”

the phantom only stares back.

“ i wonder when you’ll see it, edward. what the truth behind your existence is. behind what our existence is. you’ve always known, deep down, but you’ve repressed it, haven’t you ? you don’t want to admit to yourself what you did that day, do you ? ”

“ shut UP- ! ”

he slams its head into the floor. he swears he can hear some kind of crack, but they don’t shift one bit. it’s not enough. not enough to kill them.

“ you’ve let your pride consume you, edward. how many times must i bring you back to where you belong ? to restore those memories you’ve shut away, only for you to deny them again ? ”

“ SHUT UP-! ”

he can’t breathe. he tries to tighten his own grip, to keep up, but he can feel hands clawing at his own. is the phantom finally trying to resist ? is he winning ?

“ why don’t you look at what you’ve done, edward ? ”

the clawing grows stronger in intensity. he does not see the hands doing it. his throat closes up, and he can only choke as he stares at the faux version of him.

“ look at your hands, child. this is who you are. a beast that needs taming. ”

desperate for anything, he does. one hand is lifted- and he sees red.

“ wh-wha- ”

the phantom just laughs.

a screeching cackle that hurts his ears, it laughs, and it reaches out to his stomach, digging into the sensitive flesh as it brings itself up to his ear, the whisper sending chills down his spine.

“ i cannot be killed, edward. we are one and the same. ”

just as quickly as it appeared, it vanishes, and he finally sees again. he sees the person whose blood he just spilled, eyes dull and glassy, staring at him with what he can only describe as sheer terror.

unbreathing, unblinking. a warm corpse.

“ luh... ”

he can’t feel anything. he can’t feel, not even as he brings his trembling hands to her face, trying to get her to move, to do something. the bleeding from the back of her head only continues, every last drop of her own life spilling out beneath them, staining strands of desert gold and sunkissed skin. he can’t feel a pulse.

“ l-luit-tumi, th-this- thi-this i-isn’t f-funny, c-c’mon-”

all too quickly, he starts breathing once again. in and out becomes a desperate struggle as he tries to get air back within his own lungs in an attempt to speak, paying no mind to the whines escaping his own chest.

“ l-lum, p-please, y-’y g-gotta, p-please- ”

“ you’re too late,” the phantom calls. “ look what you’ve done. ” and he is. he is looking, trying to bring her back. sh-she can’t be dead. he refuses to accept that. he refuses to accept that he’s killed her, this has to be some kind of joke.

and yet, she still doesn’t move, the color fading from her body.

“ l-lum-”

and then he feels it.

the energy of charity, but not the energy of luitumi. it’s crackling, deep within what he’s sure is her chest, desperate. it reaches out to him, the fury of the homunculus freezing his bones.

" humility, what have you DONE ?! ”

and not even a second after, his body finally gives out, falling to the floor. he cannot see, cannot hear, cannot breathe.

he can only feel as lucaun’s energy slams through where the door should be, picking up the faint wavering of panic as his consciousness fails him.

#{|❂|} THE START OF A NEW ERA | ic.#{|❂|} TRUTH'S GENEROSITY | charity.#{|❂|} SHE OF DESERT GLASS | luitumi.#{|❂|} THE GOLDEN CHILD | edward.#{|❂|} INTERESTED ONES | asks.#this is like. really fucking messed up. general warning for a lot of shit in here #tw attempted suicide #tw attempted murder #cw attempted suicide #cw attempted murder #tw suicidal thoughts #cw suicidal thoughts #the attempted suicide thing applies bc of phantom ed basically #and the uh. attempted murder is actually murder? but the murdered person in question is Not Dead at present time so something happened that #is definitely not shown here bc thats the extent of the memory.#have fun !!! this was fucking terrible !!!!!!!#it also gives the first visible hint at blog lore !!!!!!

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lockawayknight · 4 years ago

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@of-forossa said: [sacrifice] Here they stand against the remains of the restless dead, against the rattle-bones and fierce flames of three skeleton lords on three skeleton thrones. One slain, two, before their servants rise to to join the fray with their battered blades and wicked wheels, and their melee turns to madness... a shout rings above the din of battle, a fist clenched suddenly around Creighton's chain mail and a sharp tug, before steel shrieks and blood splatters and Brom catches hold of the pinwheel skeleton that had been barreling towards the Mirran's flank. Whirling teeth trapped between plates and flesh, Brom coughs wetly before breaking its skull, nodding wearily at him before diving back into the fray.

from Nonverbal Memes [selectively accepting]

It all happens so fast. Truly, the Forossan’s reflexes are even more akin to lightning than the power that pulses within Creighton’s blade.

Honestly, Creighton is less aware of the sudden tug to safety and more aware of the warmth of fresh, undead blood that spatters his mask and clings to his eyelids. Terribly jarred (but so far unshaken), Creighton quickly works to regain his footing on the unstable, marrow-slicked ground as he shakes the blood from his face like a wet dog.

An active onslaught leaves no room for epiphanies of guilt or fear. In a well-trained blink, like an apathetic general of war, Creighton takes a split second pause to absorb as many quick details of the new situation that he can to properly weigh his next move. One Lord remains. Another wheelbound skeleton’s directing its focus towards him. The remaining two skeletal warriors are in the process of being crushed by his comrade. Brom’s been hurt, dreadfully so, and it’s all his missteps fault.

Fuck… should have just let me get killed, you fucking idiot… What the hell was Brom thinking, taking a direct hit like that? It’s a distracting enough thought that Creighton nearly misses the second skeleton’s charge, though a quick jab of his axe’s hook through the wheel’s spokes leaves it collapsed for an easy crushing — muscle memory. Unsure and now half-unstable, Creighton watches as the reckless Forossan continues to fight despite his injury, and his every muscle tenses with hatred. Not towards Brom — no, not at all — but at his own foolishness for allowing such an injury to occur on his watch. It should have been me to take that hit… What point is there in travelling with a knight if not to take cover behind their shield of flesh?

Have I really proven myself so useless so quick…?

The final Lord has descended from its throne, and Creighton is in no mood to let another injury befall his current companion. Not on his watch, not ever again, he refuses to lose anyone else. His already-overwhelming Mirran ferocity morphs into something near-primal when the Lord before him reels back its scythe. He’s divorced himself entirely from the definition of mercy. One solid swipe is all it takes to slice bone and armour clean in two, the Lord’s life essence perishing in a flash of flame and black soul energy as the ground rattles with reanimating foes. Simple pickings. Target practice. A jar full of ladybirds and moths.

As soon as they’ve sprung up, the remaining skeletal minions are crushed by the two warriors, ground to dust that disperses with their souls. But there’s no victory in their end — no, not yet. Not when Brom is still injured. Not when Creighton’s still got something to say. With the same adrenalised movement that he’d used to fell his foes, the knight’s off towards his companion in a sprint.

“What a bloody stupid stunt that was,” he bitches at Brom through panting breaths, his concern taking flight as a bird of prey. He’s never been good at the whole being-honest-with-your-feelings thing. All of his concern wears a strange veil of anger in this moment. The only shadow of its terrified face that can be clearly seen is in the form of the radiant lifegem the knight presses firmly into Brom’s palm. A simple thanks would be the correct response to the situation at hand, of course, but Creighton’s not very good at guessing games. Catching his breath, he simply continues to wheeze through frustratedly gritted teeth. “Could’ave spared yourself the scars if you would’ave jus’ let me take the hit, ya bastard. The hell did you ask for help for if you were jus’ gonna be a reckless idiot anyway, huh?”

Paranoia’s already kicking at his mind’s gate. Maybe Brom’s looking for a reason to keep Creighton indebted to him. Maybe he wants something to hold over the knight’s head. Maybe this was all some sort of trick.

Or… maybe he’s just a nice guy. Maybe Creighton’s only paranoid because of the light from recent events — of the shadows from recent betrayals.

Whatever it is, it’s making it hard for him to breathe.

Inhale, inhale, inhale…

When he finally catches his breath, he’s also caught up to his thoughts... more or less. He fishes another lifegem out from the hidden compartment in his belt where he keeps his healing wares, then holds it out for Brom in case he’s in need of another. “Don’t you dare scare me like that again,” he says, his voice’s dark colour now unmistakably, overwhelmingly full of worry. “You an’ your damned recklessness.” (As if he’s one to talk.) “Gonna get yourself killed again one day.” And for what? Over a knight who couldn’t even protect one man, couldn’t even hold the trust of another? Why would Brom bother to care at all? It just doesn’t make any sense…

One more inhale, then he’s all caught up to his thoughts, though the picture they paint isn’t pretty. Certainly not pretty enough for him to show any more of its canvass than a colourless blotch of care. Exhale. “You worry me, mate… Stay safe, for fuckssake, alright?”

#creighton [muse]#of-forossa #// cncndms god he is so worried and scared and confused why is he like this why must he angery #creighton on the inside: wHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULD YOU AAAAA NO YOURE HURT ITS MY FAULT IM SORRY PLEASE NO NO BE SAFE HEGH HMGMH IM SORRY #creighton on the outside: fuck you. fuck. shit. asshole. idiot stupidhead. fuck.#ncncdmkss he’s so gd worried and doesnt think he’s worth the protection cus lockaway days but all he can do abt it is ve angy #learn to have an emotion other than Yell and Be Sad stinkman. stupid.#mfmcmdms ty ty he worry for brom🥺 figured this was like. game events timeline. so he’s super volatile over pate shit rn hhhh

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rhowena · 4 years ago

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Pile of stuff concerning what happened to Loki between Thor and The Avengers

Originally posted on r/FanTheories

https://inforapid.org/webapp/webapp.php?shareddb=IAxUFHnwkGJSYMj9OFbT8mRl5goHm9SC2qHbWw4knO1cng5qI5Wrg48nP1MdgbWlJmHj6UpwbN343IqnstQUwxIIO01M5Rvb

As it does not escape my notice that I’ve created a digital version of this meme, some navigation help for anyone who needs it:

Mouse over/tap an item or relation to view its description

For items with the yellow ‘Note’ label, select the node and then 'Notes on Item’ in the side menu to view an additional notes page

If an item has a globe icon it the top-left corner, click it to open a webpage

'Adjust View’ in the side menu has controls to zoom in/out, increase/decrease the distance between items, and filter items or relations by category

Relations (and items) are color-coded by type: solid green lines are for in-universe evidence (light green connects evidence to the theory it supports, while dark green connects pieces of evidence that should be looked at together), purple dotted lines denote parallels, and dark red lines mark cases of “one of these things is not like the other”

And an overview of the theories contained therein:

First, the central piece of tinfoil around which all other tinfoil is arrayed: remember how, at the end of the first Thor, Loki was pathologically obsessed with gaining his father’s approval? And how, when he next showed up after vanishing for an entire year, he’d gotten mixed up with a guy who keeps a menagerie of adopted children? And how, during his argument with Thor on the mountaintop, he said this?

Loki: Did you mourn? Thor: We all did. Our father– Loki: Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not?

Loki: I’ve seen worlds you’ve never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile. I have seen the true power of the Tesseract and when I wield it—

Tom Hiddleston: There’s a bit where Thor says, “We all mourned! Our father…” and Loki interrupts him and says, “YOUR father.” And it’s that sense of 'don’t include me in this anymore. I have no relation or connection to you.’ It’s his way of saying 'I’ve let go, I’m gone, I’m on the outside of the fence, I’m happy here, I don’t want to come back in.’

If I may take a minute to get out some of my extremely complicated feelings on this, while there’s a bunch more evidence in favor of Loki having been another of Thanos’s children that can be viewed on the mind map, I want to highlight this pair of quotes because it’s everything implied by the words “Your father” that makes it into a devastating punch in the stomach which draws on both halves of Loki’s Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds characterization: his genuine love for his family is his primary redeeming quality and that he forswore it like this puts the terrible moment when he first knelt before Thanos and pledged himself to the Mad Titan’s service firmly into archetypal Faustian sell-your-soul territory, but when you consider the straits he was in at the time and the implication that Thanos initially ensnared him not through promises of power but by preying on him emotionally, it’s a very human kind of tragic mistake.

youtube

The other mitigating factor is that based on everything we’ve heard from Thanos’s other children, it’s a safe bet that he did in fact do unspeakably horrible things to Loki too – indeed, noticing the resemblance between the existing theories about Loki having been tortured/brainwashed and Gamora’s “He took me, tortured me, turned me into a weapon” was what prompted the above realization in the first place. (It’s reminiscent of Theon’s storyline in ASOIAF/GOT: yeah, he betrayed his adoptive family and did some generally awful stuff, but no one deserves what happened to him.) It also bears emphasizing that accountability cuts both ways: one of the key takeaways from the previous bullet point is that the suffering Loki went through doesn’t absolve him of responsibility for his villainous actions, but the other side of the coin is that Loki’s partial complicity doesn’t absolve Thanos of responsibility for the choice he made to take a broken, desperate young man who’d just lost everything and turn him into the rabid animal we saw during The Avengers, and I dearly hope that exploring the rich font of psychological horror that is that time period will erase any remaining doubt that Thanos’s claims of acting For The Greater Good are nothing but empty, egotistical, self-righteous posturing and everyone in the audience who insists on taking them at face value is being duped just as Loki was.

Stephen: No. I mean, come on. Look at your face. Dormammu made you a murderer. Just how good can his kingdom be?

As for where this is all going, I believe there’s a good chance that the Loki Disney+ series will be where they finally address this as a. the split timeline Loki the series will be following is still fresh from his time with Thanos and it will therefore have to explain what happened if we’re to understand the kind of headspace that he’s in at that moment and b. Tom Hiddleston has revealed that the series will also clarify whether or not Loki really is dead in the main timeline, and everything I have so far indicates that understanding the nature of his original pact with Thanos is essential to understanding both Loki’s choice to die and Thanos’s choice to kill him (see the 'Pledge of fidelity’ and 'Limited use’ notes pages on the mind map). Character-wise, I think one of the points of emphasis will be that Loki’s death in Infinity War doesn’t wrap up his story as neatly as it may appear to on the surface; truly completing his redemption arc will require him to confront this part of his past in full, and with it his guilt over everything he’s done and his fear that he’s wrecked his life and relationship with his family so thoroughly that he can never, ever fix them.

Loki: Can you? Can you wipe out that much red? […] Your ledger is dripping, it’s gushing red, and you think saving a man no more virtuous than yourself will change anything? This is the basest sentimentality. This is a child at prayer… PATHETIC! You lie and kill in the service of liars and killers. You pretend to be separate, to have your own code. Something that makes up for the horrors. But they are a part of you, and they will *never* go away!

An additional giant red flag indicating we really should be asking more questions about that time gap is a group of lines in The Avengers which reveal that Thanos taught Loki how to use the Tesseract.

The Other: The Tesseract has awakened. It is on a little world. A human world. They would wield its power, but our ally knows its workings as they never will.

The Other: You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the Scepter in your hand? Who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose when you were cast out, defeated?

Loki: I’ve seen worlds you’ve never known about! I have grown, Odinson, in my exile. I have seen the true power of the Tesseract and when I wield it— Thor: Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be king?

Sharing that kind of knowledge and power with someone as volatile as Loki strikes me as an monumentally terrible idea (and as much as I don’t want to be the person who throws a tantrum because their fanfic didn’t come true, I’m kinda salty that Thanos was defeated without it coming back to bite him in the ass), which leaves me wondering what Thanos hoped to gain that he believed would be worth the risks. My thoughts on that particular sub-puzzle are still somewhat hazy, but my basic sense is that there’s something weird going on between Loki and the Tesseract and wanting to exploit that connection is one of the reasons Thanos went to all the trouble of breaking him into submission.

Loki: So I am no more than another stolen relic, locked up here until you might have use of me?

The other reason for Thanos’s interest in Loki ties back to all that emotional twistiness I talked about earlier: he planned to leverage Loki’s anger and resentment towards his family in a bid to destroy Odin and Asgard from the inside.

Zemo: An empire toppled by its enemies can rise again. But one which crumbles from within? That’s dead… forever.

As a prelude to this, during The Avengers Thanos had additionally tasked Loki with killing Thor as a way to prove his loyalty and destroy the last remaining shreds of his own humanity, a test Loki failed because he still loved his brother too much.

Coulson: You’re going to lose. It’s in your nature. […] You lack conviction.

What’s more, Thanos anticipated this, and the Scepter’s influence over Loki was aimed at forcing him to go through with it if he refused.

Loki: I won’t touch Barton, not until I make him kill you! Slowly, intimately, in every way he knows you fear! And then he’ll wake, just long enough to see his good work, and when he screams, I’ll split his skull!

Lastly, even with Infinity War having established that Thanos simply gets off on emotional torture, that he would go out of his way to fuck with Odin personally by turning his second son against him leads me to believe there was a special hatred there stemming from some as-yet unrevealed history between the two. I mean, when I picture the alternate universe where Thanos shows up to attack Asgard with a corrupted Loki in tow like “You screwed up so badly that he chose me as a father figure over you” …that isn’t something you say to a complete stranger.

GRRM on writing villain POVs: That’s a comic book kind of thing, where the Red Skull gets up in the morning [and asks] “What evil can I do today?” Real people don’t think that way. We all think we’re heroes, we all think we’re good guys. We have our rationalizations when we do bad things. “Well, I had no choice,” or “It’s the best of several bad alternatives,” or “No it was actually good because God told me so,” or “I had to do it for my family.” We all have rationalizations for why we do shitty things or selfish things or cruel things. So when I’m writing from the viewpoint of one of my characters who has done these things, I try to have that in my head.

#mcu #loki #thor #thanos #odin #loki's missing year #theory #analysis #mind map #i swear i will turn this into an actual essay one of these days

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omegas-spaghettios · 4 years ago

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Dear A,

I do my best to not be a vindictive person. I have had a history of being vindictive to multiple people, and it's never ended well for anybody involved. But there are a lot of things you do that hurt me, even though you can't know why. That's why I'm writing here, to get my words out there without harming you.

I know you moved here within the last couple years and you are struggling to make friends, and I think you are a genuinely nice person. I've done all I can to talk to you and ask about your interests, and i agonized at Wal-Mart trying to find you the perfect gift. This isn't to guilt you, i happily chose to do all of that. And I believe your company is fun. I wouldn't really search it out much, but when I have it in the group it has mostly been pleasant.

Until recently.

Let me tell you some things I have gone through, A. I have grown up in LDS Utah as a closeted Bisexual. I have been through hell, and I know I have had it easier than a lot of LGBTQ+ people in that religion. Since 8th grade I have consistently had depression and anxiety, clinically diagnosed, with therapy and meds and everything due to living here, the social hatred is incredibly intense. During that time up till now, just finished 11th, I have also had multiple self harm and suicidal stretches. This isn't asking for pity, most kids my age unfortunately have had to go through this. This isn't new.

I started dating a mormon girl 10th grade year. It was good for a long while, but starting 11th year it got bad. She had awful anger management issues, and was incredibly vindictive. Not to mention that she guilted me into supressing my problems so I can help hers. For months I endured passive aggression and my own repression and fights and anger because I truly loved her. But last month I decided enough was enough. I cut it off. I am not of the LDS faith anymore, and that was a major part of the decision as she still is, but that wasn't really why.

Not to mention the hallucinations. For the last year I have had infrequent hallicunations of Wendigo's, i'm sure you know what those are, as well as paranoia. Just yesterday I got diagnosed with anxiety and depression induced psychosis. I took my meds for the first time today for the hallucinations and begin therapy Monday.

The point is, add all of this together with what has been happening in the world and the stress of me being asthmatic when a respiratory disease is running rampant, and i believe you can see why I am struggling. I have turned to our friend group of 7, A, to finally talk to my peers in healthy ways about my struggles and not face my ex's wrath. I'm really struggling and for once I feel like I have a good support network, one I only kind of get at home.

So why am I upset and hurt? Well, a lot things. A, I know you believe in witchcraft and paganism and that creepypastas like Slenderman and Jeff the Killer are real. Personally, I think it's not real in the slightest as it can't be empirically proven, but that isn't why I'm upset in these scenarios. I think your beliefs are a bit ridiculous, but I respect everyone's beliefs. You do you. It is how you have used your beliefs to inadvertently harm me.

I came out to the group as Bisexual. The deal is, 4 of the 6 of you gals all knew already. You didn't. The ones who already knew came out in support, and you were silent. No harm done, really. Felt kind of off, but oh well, I don't really care. You weren't vindictive and haven't been about it. The issue is, you came out as a witch to your parents and gave us the play by play expecting our comfort. The comfort you never afforded me. I still gave it, i remember the hell I went through when I came out as Bi to my parents and you shouldn't go through that alone. But it hurts, knowing it's one sided.

But that isn't all. Your parents wouldn't let you use a dating app, so you came to the group chat and said we needed to find you a boyfriend. That's my my place, find your own damn boyfriend. I am fresh out of an awful relationship and now a single Bisexual. Even if I wanted to think about anyone's relationships much less my own, do you think i would set you up with people I think were interesting? And not try to date them myself? But I was polite and told her the truth: I only talked to that friend group and one other person. A couple of others also respectfully declined to find you one. Then you had the fucking audacity to send in the chat a picture of you scowling and leaving at that. Not an emoji, no words, a picture of your actual face in pure disgust. That's when I got angry. How dare you demand I find you somebody. How dare you be that lazy and demand me, in my fucking disaster state, to do it for you.

Well then, let's address the mental issues I have. It isn't your fault, I want you to know. And any one of these instances is excusable, but together I don't think it is. I had a full on panic attack sitting two feet away from you and another friend, let's call her E. My paranoia was shooting through the roof, i felt like I was about to be killed and I couldn't breathe. E kept giving me concerned looks and mouthing if I was okay, in which I gave many half hearted thumbs up. She knew it was bullshit, but guess why she didn't say anything? Because you, A, were running off about how Slenderman is stalking you. You even said that paranoia and fear means he is around. Not that you believe that, that it is FACT. It was incredibly dehumanizing of you to tell me what I was experiencing in that exact moment was because some 2000's fictional monster was around. I didn't say anything, granted because I physically couldn't, but it's not your fault. But everyone I have ever met will tell you I wear my heart on my sleeve. So how you could sit next to me, who was silent and fighting tears and quietly trying to gasp for air and was shaking and was being quiet as to not bother you (thanks, ex), you ignored me. Not only that, you dehumanized the very reaction I was having. That really hurt, A. Unintentional or not, it hurt.

Not to mention when I made a meme of my full name on Kermit jumping off a cliff to commit suicide, I made that very clear in the meme. I posted it in the group chat. I know that is not a good way to reach out, but I haven't reached out to anyone in months, so it's better than I have in a long time. A, you just said "yeah" and moved on to some asinine topic. Others tried to bring it up but you steamrolled overthem with your rocks or Jeff the Killer or something. A very clear cry on my behalf for help, and you said "yeah". Thank you.

Then this morning. Last night I woke up around 1 AM absolutely panicked. Not able to breath, shaking, world spinning, sweats, everything. Like I was dropped right in the middle of my worst panic attack ever. I was sure SOMETHING was about to kill me. It took hours to feel safe, and i haven't slept since 1 AM. I posted in the chat that I couldn't sleep and needed to talk to somebody. It was late, but I needed somebody. I was vague, but I don't want to drop that i am psychotic in the middle of a group chat. Then you woke up around 9 and said "oh, I can't sleep most nights so I get your pain. I felt really sick last night and threw up." I don't mean to diminish your experiences, A. I don't know how hard it is for you. But I went through hell last night without any of my friends in the chat, I eventually got ahold of my sister. Then you have the audacity to come to me and say "I get it. I was ill last night, so I get it." Again, it could have been miserable for you. But you just ignored my cries for help AGAIN, and you tossed my pain out of view so you could go on about yourself AGAIN.

I've done so much to make you feel welcome. I wouldn't choose you as a friend, but you are in the group and as such have worked to make you feel like part of it. But you don't care about me. At least, it doesn't seem like you do. I have made it very clear multiple times that I am not okay (did I mention the time I posted things in that chat about me experiencing hallucinations and you didn't say a damn thing?) and you don't care.

I write this out here because you don't know what I'm going through, so I can't hold it all against you I guess. But with how dismissive you are I don't trust you with it. We will be nothing more than superficial friends, if that. I typed this out, so I'm going to take a deep breath and move on, I'll be civil and jovial with you. But you have hurt me deeply, and thus have lost my trust.

- Bryan

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absolutelaw-blog · 5 years ago

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PROFILE ; KRISTOPH GAVIN.

GENERAL.

full name. kristoph gavin. pronunciation. kris-toff gah-vin. nicknames. the coolest defense in the west. the coolest killer in the west. kris. ( caution on this one : if you call him this and your name isn’t klavier gavin, he’ll go above & beyond to make you miserable. he’ll tolerate it from his brother, but no one else ) . height. 6′1″-6′2″. age. 32 years old ( in canon ; age is verse dependent. ) . zodiac. capricorn. languages. german ( mother tongue ) ; english ( learned pretty much concurrently with german, and so he’s about equally fluent ) ; japanese ( passable. living in aa-universe california necessitates knowing at least a little ) .

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair colour. platinum blonde. eye colour. grey-blue. skin tone. pale, freckles easily. body type. lean. he’s tall & broad-shouldered enough to be intimidating if he’s trying, but outside of that, he’s not very physically imposing. he is, apparently, strong enough to kill a man with a wine bottle in one hit, though, so i guess he has to have something of a swing. accent. pleasantly transatlantic, tinging on somewhat british. it’s how he learned english, and while he could have easily adopted an american accent after living in california for such a long time, he insists on ‘ speaking properly. ’ ( he’s pretentious. ) he usually does not speak with a noticeable german accent -- but when stressed, upset, angry, frustrated, flustered, or otherwise not as in-control of his emotions as he usually is, the accent will slip out. he despises this. dominant hand. right hand. posture. confident, almost regal. shoulders back, hands clasped behind his back or arms crossed in front of him, chin up, looking down his glasses at you. there may be no crown on his head, but that won’t stop him from holding himself like he’s a king. scars. one, along the back of his right hand. can, in the right light, take on the appearance of a rather horrid face when he twitches his hand. despite its peculiar qualities, he doesn’t think about it much anymore. he got it as a child ; it’s been there so long it’s no longer notable to him. tattoos. none. he thinks they’re rather distasteful. most noticeable features. height, long hair, self-assured posture, eyes hidden behind glasses, that scar.

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth. berlin, germany. hometown. los angeles, california. birth weight / height. – manner of birth. . . . the usual one ? first words. his parents used to joke that his first word was ‘ cross-examination. ’ this, of course, was only after he got into themis legal, and proved he could be an asset to the family name. kristoph always sort of resented it. and so, he’s not actually ashamed to say his first words were the usual ones. ‘ mama, ’ ‘ papa, ’ ‘ puppy. ’ that sort of thing. siblings. klavier gavin ( younger brother ) . parents. oskar gavin ( father ) ; emilie gavin ( mother ) . parental involvement. oskar and emilie were minor political figures in germany ; they had children more as attempts to maintain a family-friendly image in the face of mounting scandals than they did out of any actual, genuine interest in raising said children. as such, kristoph ( and later, klavier ) was pretty much handed off to a series of nannies & otherwise left to his own devices. his parents’ actual involvement in raising him was . . . minimal. they died in an accident while he was completing his junior year of college. he played the part of the grieving son perfectly well, but he wasn’t really all that aggrieved about it. ( he always sort of wondered if the accident was an accident or if it was some political move, but to investigate that, he’d have to actually care about what happened to them. )

ADULT LIFE

occupation. defense attorney. current residence. a rather posh high-rise apartment building in los angeles. a rather posh solitary confinement cell. close friends. why, his dear friend phoenix wright, of course ! ( hah. ) partners. what, legal partners ? uh, he’s got a student -- oh, you mean romantic partners ? ugh. pass. relationship status. single. not looking. ( verse dependent. ) financial status. let’s just say he’s in a very comfortable income bracket. ( --- & how did he get there so fast, what with his parents losing most of their fortune to constant legal battles, leaving him to make money himself ? best not to ask. ) driver’s license. yes. he doesn’t like to drive, though. he’s more the ‘ hire a driver ’ type. criminal record. prior to the events of apollo justice ? clean as clean can be. too clean. suspiciously clean. after ? one count of evidence forgery, two counts of first-degree murder, one count of attempted murder -- and that’s only what we know of.

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation. bisexual / demisexual. maybe a slight preference for men, but functionally, it doesn’t matter -- he’s very, very demisexual, and it’s extremely rare that he’s actually genuinely attracted to someone. nine out of ten times, if he sleeps with someone, it’s going to have been because doing so conferred some kind of material advantage on him -- i.e., they had something he wanted. romantic orientation. biromantic / demiromantic. again, though, it tends not to matter, because it’s so incredibly rare that he feels real attraction of any kind towards someone. if kristoph is romancing you, it usually means he wants something from you. preferred emotional role. Submissive | Dominant | Switch | Unsure preferred sexual role. Submissive | Dominant | Switch | Sex repulsed libido. low. unless he actually likes you. then about average ? turn ons. if i answer this question, my kristoph muse will physically manifest IN my home and poison me with atroquinine, killing me within fifteen minutes of ingestion. turn offs. unless he actually likes you, don’t try to make him be genuinely emotionally vulnerable with you. ugh. disgusting. love language. in the very rare case he actually likes you, he appreciates them all. however, he especially likes acts of service. he knows better than anyone else that pretty words are often lies ; actually going out of your way to assist him with something isn’t so surface-level to him, and is deeply appreciated. relationship tendencies. generally, he thinks they’re a waste of time & a potentially dangerous vulnerability. to be avoided.

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song(s). i know i put my go-tos ( where i want to be from chess & choke by idkhw ) on the last meme that asked a question like this, so i’m gonna try to go for some different ones : severed by the decemberists ( gonna leave you all severed ) & nice day by the romanovs ( nice day for a murder ! ) hobbies to pass the time. playing the violin ( & occasionally writing a piece or two ) , cooking, keeping journals, reading, taking walks ( usually with his dog ) , shopping ( shush. ) . mental illnesses. none that are formally diagnosed. he clearly has quite a number of problems going on in that head of his, but he would define them less as problems and more as strengths, so it’s not like he’d seek help. physical illnesses. other than being blind as a bat without his glasses, he’s physically healthy. left or right brained. left brained. fears. nothing at all. failure. being forgotten. being wrong. that he isn’t the best, always & at everything. IT’S OVER, KRISTOPH. YOU’RE NOT NEEDED ANYMORE. self confidence level. unreasonably high. you could say he has a bit of a god complex. vulnerabilities. his academic intelligence and logic may be above & beyond that of your average person, but he never matured emotionally, so he still has the emotional intelligence of a child. his solution to fearing that he might not be perfect was to repress it until he had five black psyche-locks, for god’s sake. and it was his hatred of wright that blinded him to the idea that phoenix might formulate a plan that could stop him -- he saw wright as a naive idiot because of that hatred, and as such underestimated him. his inability to process or even acknowledge his own emotions means that he has no way of telling when his analyses are objective and when they’re tainted by how he feels about them, and his arrogance means he’s convinced they’re all accurate. so, sometimes, no matter how accurate his formula is otherwise, he forgets to factor in emotion -- and he miscalculates.

Tagged by: @smoulderingsilver ( aaaahhh thank you so much !! ) Tagging: again, anyone who wants to do this, consider yourself Tagged By Me.

#[ THIS WAS ACTUALLY REALLY FUN ]#◌. ❝ ━━〔 ♠ 〕ˢᵘˢᵖᵉᶜᵗ ᶠᶤˡᵉˑ ╱╱ headcanon.#long post //#[ also im sorry i still cant decide if he should be 6'1 or 6'2 and so i just put Both like an Idiot ]#[ couldn't they have given us better canon heights for the gavins PLEASE ]

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veliseraptor · 7 years ago

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Did this one last year, and I figured I’d go ahead and do it again, because I love aggregate memes so much.

2017 Fanfiction Round-Up

Total Year-Long Wordcount: Okay so. I actually have an approximate near-exact number for this, though it includes some original fiction and some nonfiction, but as I actually put in the work for the full year of recording daily wordcount...

The total number of words I wrote between 1/1/16-12/31/17 was: 542,613.

so there’s that.

This year I wrote and posted: There 48 works on AO3 that were updated in 2017 (though some of those are multichapter) and there are 125 posts from this year in my fic tag, so I’m going to go with somewhere on the order of...um, maybe just over 100 including counting individual chapters of things?

Once again, this meme makes me feel like I’m kind of insane.

Overall Thoughts

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted? I always feel like I’m surprised by how much I actually did write, because...idk, it doesn’t feel like that much most of the time when I’m doing it? But then I look back and like. I wrote somewhere between the word count of the entirety of Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. That actually is kind of a lot.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? Hmmm. I did not expect to trip and fall headfirst into Loki/Grandmaster as a pairing but, as I have described, I really should have expected that. Barring that...it was an unexpected delight to write some Wheel of Time fic, even if I’ve been totally spoiled by writing for big fandoms.

Other than that, I feel like my fic this year was pretty par for the course for my usual.

What’s your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest? This is hard, but ultimately I think I might have to go with Mending. I felt like...idk, it’s very close to my heart, and I felt like I really did a lot of what I wanted to with it.

But I also ended up feeling really proud of we’re not the only ones - it was a really fun outsider POV to write, and involved getting to explore some new character dynamics in an old ‘verse.

And then there’s Steve Rogers’ Halfway House for Notorious Supervillains, which has also been a complete and utter pleasure.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them? Man...I’m not sure that I did. Other than the fact that I wrote sounding fic (finally) which is a kink I’ve always liked but never written. That was new and exciting, and turned out really well, actually. Other than that...I don’t know, it doesn’t really feel like a risk per se but I do feel like I embraced more this year just writing all the tropes I love and am periodically ashamed of, because you know what, why not.

From my past year of writing, what was….

My most popular story of this year: By kudos, still Life in Reverse, by far. After that, as far as stories written just this year: Steve Rogers’ Halfway House for Notorious Supervillains, and then the ship at the end of the universe.

The surprise for me is that the next one is The Breaking Light, which I really would not expect.

Most fun story to write: It feels weird to call it “fun” but oddly enough all the glamour and the trauma basically spilled out of me in one go.

Story with the single sexiest moment: I feel like the entirety of that spark of black that I seem to love was a sexiest moment for me.

Most “Holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story: This one was so much easier last year when I wrote The Vivisection Mambo which is still probably the creepiest, darkest story I’ve ever written! This year...hmm.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters: I feel like writing both Halfway House and that spark of black that I seem to love both gave me new perspectives on characters - Steve for both, and also Bucky and Sam in Halfway House.

Hardest story to write: I feel like this one has to go to Privation, which took me, what, three years to finish?

Biggest Disappointment: I’m definitely disappointed in certain segments of fandom for their choice of response for certain methods of writing certain pairings.

Here’s looking at you, rude anons.

Also disappointed that I didn’t make more progress on Life in Reverse this year. I was really hoping to get further than I did.

Biggest Surprise: The response to Steve Rogers’ Halfway House for Notorious Supervillains and how positive it was. I was not expecting that story to get much of a response, but it really has, which delights me - it’s been a joy to write and I’ve been so excited by how much other people seem to be enjoying it, since it’s basically just a lot of talking and feelings, really.

Which I guess is kind of my specialty? But...still.

Most Unintentionally Telling Story: Maybe one hand on my throat, and one on your heart? It’s one of the most self-indulgent things I’ve written, possibly ever. Which is telling in a lot of ways about what I like.

But also probably...hm. All of my Loki/Grandmaster fics say a lot about me and what I like.

This one was easier last year, too. Maybe Mending/Reweaving, both of those are very...personal in weird ways.

Favorite Opening Line(s):

Apparently the new slogan that they should be operating under was “if something falls out of the sky, call the Avengers.” (look, behind you without a sound)

Loki was executed in a chamber hidden deep within the Raft prison. (the first part of the everything sucks AU)

If he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend the dark was a choice. (Boxed In)

On Friday, May 4th, 2012, an alien came to Earth and warned of an invasion that would follow unless they listened very, very closely. (Ghosts That We Knew)

One of the things Loki had learned very quickly about survival in recent years was the necessity of compartmentalization. If something could not be changed, and could not be dealt with, then it had to be pushed aside and locked away to be dealt with later. Prioritize. Focus on the immediate necessities. Everything else could wait until later. Or, preferably, never. (all the glamour and the trauma)

Favorite Line(s) from Anywhere:

The city falls, and Idril’s eyes blaze with hatred, and there is blood in his eyes, and he swears he almost remembers this, almost dreamed it once. Soon he is going to wake up, in shadows under the trees, and he will be young again, and whole. (Seven Years)

No one, Loki had realized, broke all at once. You broke in stages, in bits and pieces, giving a little at a time until you looked at yourself and realized the pathetic scraps that were left, until you saw what was at the core and were sick at the knowing. (between the essence and the descent)

Nothing grows from anger, her mother had said once, before she died (was killed, left her, was murdered). Wanda thought she was wrong. Something was growing from hers. (object impermanence)

Loki lay awake through the night, staring upwards, trying to still his mind to no avail. There was a scream locked behind his teeth that he could not unleash. (untitled)

Loki’s eyes drifted mostly closed. “You cannot die,” he said. “That is your curse. And mine. We live and keep living, beyond endurance, beyond reason.” (a lane to the land of the dead)

How long, he wondered, had Loki been convinced of this? Further back than when he’d found out the truth about his heritage, Steve thought, or even Thor’s coronation. It was a wound so old Loki didn’t even notice the scar. (we can see the future (and the dreams it’s made of))

He didn’t know how to explain to Thor how it was to be in a situation where you knew that your refusal would have no meaning; that the only power you had was in choosing how to assent. (all the glamour and the trauma)

He loved Thor. He’d always loved Thor. Desperately, hopelessly, fatally. (farewell hope, and with hope farewell fear)

“Don’t be coy, Captain. There is so much anger burning in you. I can feel it. That violence seething just beneath the surface. It terrifies you, doesn’t it? So you hold it down and push it away. Stop fighting it. Embrace it.” He cocked his head to the side. “I am offering you an exorcism.” (that spark of black that I seem to love)

But maybe there was something to be said for standing, even if it was standing still. (the mercy covering me)

“You see yourself as trapped, Loki. Cornered. But there are doors in front of you, if you will choose to take them. I could choose for you, or your mother could. Your brother would like to drag you through. But whatever you choose now, it must be yours.” (Mending)

“Everything is eternal, and nothing is. Bonds wither and decay. I-” He shook his head, scowling. “This is what your lover and I argue about. Or one of the things. He doesn’t debate well.” (post war blues)

Thor’s smile made Loki want to smile back. He settled back down, and if it weren’t for - well, everything, it might almost have been one of their old rooms, back in Asgard, the two of them bandying words back and forth. But Thor had an eyepatch, the room was small and shabby, Asgard was ashes and so was the innocent purity of their brotherhood. (the ship at the end of the universe)

Top 5 Scenes from Anywhere You Would Choose to Have Illustrated:

I would love to have the scene illustrated from one hand on my throat, and one on your heart where Steve finds Loki, either just looking at him bent backwards and chained up suffering or where he’s trying to shake Loki out of the memory with Thanos.

Also anything from the Tapestries series, especially the scene at the end of Mending with Loki and Odin.

But honestly, like. Anything.

Fic-writing goals for 2018:

last year I wrote down “finishing ‘we’re not friends, we’re strangers with memories’” and I did that so this year I’m going to say “finish Life in Reverse”

get better at replying to peoples’ comments

finish the RTC: Ragnarok fic before Infinity War comes out

finish the Doctrine of Labyrinths and Merlin fics I’ve been sitting on forever

#confessions of a frustrated writer #meme #fanfiction round up

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resetgod · 7 years ago

Note

-CUTS TWICE OUT OF LOVE and maybe some hate- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

@yoodere thought they were getting memes but nah

You deserve this, don’t you? Blade slices into the soft of his skin and he winces as rubies spill out over the snow of flesh. You deserve this, he tells himself as he turns ; bound by the earthquakes in his bones. It had the light in his eyes flickering —— D Y I N G —— but there was beauty in his DESTRUCTION. He’s a prodigy, but this time he can’t hide behind the safety net of network codes that don’t mean SHIT in the FUCKED UP situation he had placed them in this time.

❝ Fuck. ❞ Lips breathe the word, betraying his pain without permission. You know nothing of pain.You know nothing of suffering under a blade. Golden gaze stare up but he is only met with the reflection of his brother within the hatred of his best friend’s remaining eye. He had always hated his reflection, but for the first time he wanted to hurt himself too. Saeyoung wants to mangle this face, change yourself. Dye your hair !! Break your nose !! Scar your lips !! The demons will not find you if you are not you !! And even if they do, maybe this time they will not find your friends, your family. But this was a monster, a pain that demanded to be felt.

Perhaps he’s exhausted all tears and now he only knows how to bleed. And sometimes the battle is so sweet Seven forgets the violence is still his. He has always checked under the bed for monsters but never brave enough to check the mirror. Not because he hasn’t seen the devil in these golden eyes but because eh doesn’t know how to kill the casualties lurking there. But he’s still here and he still hasn’t stopped the bleeding, but perhaps he doesn’t want to this time.

#yoodere #LOOK YOU CALLED ME OUT FOR NOT ANSWERING THINGS #HERE'S AN ANSWER BINCH #knife tw #blade tw #blood tw

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infosecwomen · 7 years ago

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Increasing Safety and Inclusiveness at Hacker Cons

This roadmap for addressing the problems which soured this September in Louisville is a collaborative work by numerous women… many who attended DerbyCon Legacy (some have attended every single year), others who came but left early, some who stayed away entirely because of the news of what was happening, and additional women who have previously vowed to not attend such events at all unless some of the deep-rooted problems in Infosec (which are not unique to any one specific event) can be addressed by conference leadership.

We appreciate the fact that Dave Kennedy, Martin Bos, and many of the volunteers from DerbyCon have engaged the public in a dialog regarding how to best provide for the safety and well-being of hacker con attendees in the future. It is wonderful, their willingness to take steps in a positive direction, and we accept their invitation for open discussion.

There are three steps we see DerbyCon proceeding through in the process of repairing their public image and improving safety for women at conferences. They are outlined here…

[= I. Adopt and Publicly-Post a Code of Conduct =]

Even though a small contingent of people have resisted this in the past, DerbyCon has made significant progress in this area recently. That’s wonderful. A Code of Conduct protects a conference as much as it protects the attendees. Many prominent speakers and sponsors won’t participate at events without one, and even the smallest and most far-flung of hacker cons have been adding them to their web sites and programs.

A Code of Conduct doesn’t have to be long, full of legalese, or kill the “friendly” feeling of an event. It really only has to do four simple things:

State that the event wants to be a welcoming and safe place for all attendees (DerbyCon already says this and has been telling the community that for years now)

Explain what behaviors are not tolerated (this, unfortunately, is where DerbyCon fails to be adequately specific)

Explain how people should report problems (DerbyCon, like many events, encourages people to “contact staff” but the preferred language would include an email address or other contact information that is monitored 24/7 during the con. (If someone is holed up in his or her room because of threats, they shouldn’t have to venture downstairs looking for a red shirt or scroll through Google results trying to find the right Security contact)

A commitment to enforce these rules. (DerbyCon claims to stand for the security of all attendees, but unfortunately we have seen that there have been some stumbles in the past when it comes to follow-up on problems)

DerbyCon can solve point #2 & point #3 with the addition of honestly just one or two lines of text.

At least one hacker con has summarized their Code of Conduct as, “If you are a jerk, we’ll ask you to leave." Examples of being a jerk include harassing, forcing unwanted interactions, or secretly replacing someone’s coffee with Folgers crystals.” Humor can be just fine here! (As long as the two most critical points of “don’t harass others” and “don’t force yourself upon others” are spelled out.)

The “contact” information can truly be an email like [email protected] as long as it’s being monitored throughout the whole event. DM-ing the conference Twitter can work but that requires open DMs (which not all Twitter clients support well) and forces a staffer to sift through a lot of messages, many of which will be just noise.

[= II. Sunlight as Disinfectant =]

This may be the hardest pill to swallow. Right now, we are not aware of any public-facing resolution or closure on these matters aside from Dave and Martin tweeting that things are going to get much better in the future. That alone will not mollify those with concerns nor will it make women want to start attending/proposing in record numbers.

There were two separate major incidents this year, and they were deeply inter-related. DerbyCon would be wise to make blog two posts on their site in which they discuss them frankly and offer clear public apologies for any ways in which they feel they didn’t live up to their full stated hopes of being a con for everybody in the hacker family:

Failure to condemn and expel harassers

While the mishandling of the matter relating to a trainer with a restraining order due to domestic abuse was deeply troubling, harassment is actually the wider matter at DerbyCon, and the issue that keeps women away so much. Given no Code of Conduct prohibiting harassment, a small but vocal group of angry voices targets their rage at people in an attempt to either make them stay away from DerbyCon or not enjoy DerbyCon if they attend. This angry group (to varying degrees) has at times included both staff as well as the general attendee public. While folk such as the former security staffer and his posse of associates represent the worst of it, plenty of things that the conference videographer has stated online cross the line into harassment, as well. Even one of the conference founders, generally a kind person, has threatened physical violence against people and profanely told women to be silent when they have criticized DerbyCon online.

This is a topic where DerbyCon has to dedicate extra care during the repair of its reputation, since it became public during the con this year that most of the hatred and abuse is generated within a Facebook group calling itself the “illmob” (a group apparently started and overseen by the fired security staffer) which includes the DerbyCon founders and several other conference staff as fellow members.

NOTE - This is not to suggest in any way that said Facebook group’s sole purpose is to harass women, but simply to point out that the creation of the harassing tweets, image memes, apparel, etc takes place here in full view of the DerbyCon conference staff. They cannot claim ignorance regarding the identity of the people behind the harassment.

The mishandling of reports of an alleged abuser of women

This is more delicate, and a private matter, but DerbyCon can speak to the problem respectfully and in a way that tells the public (a) what went wrong and (b) what they will do differently in future.

The earlier blog post, about the harassment issue, is harder to put into words but it would be good if it (1) acknowledges that attendees have been subject to online harassment in the past, (2) explicitly states that this is not what DerbyCon is about and that this is not OK, (3) apologizes for any statements made in the heat of the moment by the DerbyCon team which could be construed as harassment, and (4) includes a commitment to prevent this behavior in the future… a promise that staff will be professional and a promise to eject or bar attendees who harass others.

[= III. The Ramifications =]

So here’s where the rubber really meets the road.

Actions speak louder than words.

If DerbyCon is going to be taken seriously, and to satisfy Point #4 regarding a Code of Conduct as mentioned above, they must demonstrate their genuine commitment to:

standing by their updated Code of Conduct

handling reports of abuse/safety risks/etc properly.

DerbyCon has stated that they’ve “never banned anyone” and described how they feel that the community has failed if things get to that point. This is not so. It fails the community to have rules and policies but never actually follow through on them.

As hard as it will be for them:

* Will Genovese represents the most clear-cut violation of a Code of Conduct that anyone has ever seen. He has repeatedly harassed numerous people over the years (and reserves the bulk of his ire for women and their supporters) and this year went so far as to put DerbyCon at actual legal risk by harassing attendees and abuse victims while speaking on behalf of the conference itself. Even after he was fired he continued to harass attendees (and non-attendees who simply spoke about DerbyCon) online and at the conference. The DerbyCon Code of Conduct carries basically no weight if people who behave in this manner are allowed to attend. There are others who have said hateful or harassing things to a lesser degree… but Will has taken it to the point of publicly posting both text and images that do nothing but sow hate and discontent at DerbyCon. For the community (particularly women) to take even slightly seriously the notion that DerbyCon is trying to improve, Will would not be invited back to DerbyCon nor welcomed as an attendee.

* the individual subject to police investigations, an Order of Protection, and court filings for abuse would not be invited back to DerbyCon as a trainer nor welcomed back as an attendee. The fact that he was subject to an Order of Protection backed up by a report of physical violence should have been enough there (and Martin Bos claimed back on August 30th that an O.o.P. was more than enough reason to ban him) We are not talking about an Administrative Non-Contact Order (which basically anyone can get on anyone else for almost any reason) but an Order of Protection based on police-documented abuse. Once the police (not just courts, but the police) are taking things seriously, come on… that’s a person you don’t want at your conference.

* Bryce Case Jr. (a.k.a. YT Cracker) would not be invited to DerbyCon as an artist nor welcomed as an attendee. Again, this is someone with a long history of security violations and drunken abuse of women at other conferences. There are records of all this. It is unclear if the /courts/ were ever involved, so this individual represents a different standard of evidence… but he unmistakably is a known bad actor and if DerbyCon can’t bring themselves to prevent his attendance, it is a signal to the community (especially women) that DerbyCon is not a place where people are safe.

* The DerbyCon videographer is the hardest case here. He has engaged online in what is seen by many as harassment. It has seldom been /directed/ at anyone, however. Instead, his comments are broad and focused against women and their supporters as opposed to calling out a specific person here or there. Also, as his defenders have pointed out, some of this has become more managed in recent months. Our willingness to give him space to reform has nothing to do with his tireless work on video recording… there is no ‘hours of volunteer work / hateful behavior forgiveness’ exchange rate system. We are not without understanding; he could remain part of DerbyCon (where he is cared about by many individuals who are trying to help him improve himself) in a Volunteer role as opposed to being on Staff and this might placate the majority of the community. But there will always be a number of women who will not feel safe attending any conference or event where he is present as anything other than an attendee. (This is why BSides events sadly had to take the difficult steps that they did and remove him.) It is hoped that his behavior continues to improve and that DerbyCon will never have to bar him outright.

It is interesting that in the case of the trainer and the music artist, they aren’t actually in direct violation of the Code of Conduct, because nearly all of their misdeeds took place off-site and at other events. But barring them from future attendance is of course part of a greater safety management process… which needs to be addressed by internal policy: How do you decide that someone is a safety violation to your attendees? How is this researched? What counts as evidence? With whom does the final decision rest? All of this needs to be written down somewhere. Not necessarily posted publicly, but written down and made available in cases where parties request to see it. This is very important for DerbyCon to legally cover their butts and it’s astonishing if some policy like this doesn’t already exist.)

If DerbyCon makes good on these three key areas – a more fully-realized Code of Conduct, public posts describing the difficulties and apologizing to the community, and finally breaking with tradition by actually officially barring certain known bad actors from attending in the future – then this would be considered a welcome (and really big) step in the right direction for the conference. And for the hacker community at large.

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hired-help · 7 years ago

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“Layers” Character Meme

LAYER ONE : THE OUTSIDE

Name: Charles Harris Wilson Charon

Eye Color: Bright blue

Hair Style/Color: He inherited the same ginger-red as Martha. Likes keeping it short, but can’t manage to cut it often enough for it to be as neat as he’d like. Habitually tries to finger-comb it over at intervals. Post-ghoulification, just doesn’t care. Touching it might lose him the last of it.

Height: 6′4″ (+ - I haven’t completely nailed it down, but he’s about a foot taller than LW. Mine was female and I pictured her being fairly small, so I tacked a foot onto that, but I don’t think the male models are much taller. He could be anything up to 7″ depending on how you view your LW?!)

Clothing Style: Provided he has a choice, he likes pre-war casual - going on game options only, parkstroller or spring - but the red shade is a bit much, switch it out for something lighter. He’s awkward in that he doesn’t like short sleeved shirts but he doesn’t like long either, so he has to roll long ones to the exact right place. Post-programming, he doesn’t even entertain the notion of casual clothing. Always armored, light enough not to weigh him down (his agility is already pretty poor).

Best Physical Feature: Probably his eyes. Which backfires pretty spectacularly when they’re the only thing he retains in ghoul form and they become creepy and too-real compared to the rest of him. He used to have a nice smile, but it was the rarity of it more than anything. It felt odd to smile - when he was surrounded by misery - even when it was his natural reaction to someone or something, so he had a habit of clenching his back teeth and trying to suppress it. The result was a kind of reluctant, delayed half-smile that made him look shy, and a certain type of lady liked that.

LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE

Fears: Younger: Losing his family or something happening to them, losing his own identity after he was bought by them. Older: Nothing - he’s not allowed to be afraid of things, it might impair his usefulness.

Guilty Pleasure: Younger: Stealing smokes from dead people. Slightly less guilty if they’re slavers. Older: None. Still does that, but no longer guilty. Every selfish thought he has produces a faint sense of guilt. Vague, fleeting thoughts of his own preferences, that kind of thing.

Biggest Pet Peeve[s]: Younger: More like an intense hatred; slavers pushing around people weaker than them, which he took to be women, children and the elderly. He got his ass kicked more than once trying to step in for them. Older: Employers who don’t know how to watch their own asses. He can only do so much; he’s one ghoul, not your guardian angel.

Ambition for the Future: Younger: Escape somehow, free his fellow slaves, clear out Paradise Falls so no one else ever gets taken there. After that, he never intended to go home. Fuzzy memories of cannibalism and incest no longer seem part and parcel of living. He’d rather go find his own home. Older: Haha, that’s funny.

LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS

First Thoughts Waking Up: Younger: “Collar’s still there.” Older: “Is [Employer Name] still alive?”

What They Think About the Most: Everyone else. This is pretty consistent. He can’t be called a Mom Friend at any point, but he has a natural inclination to look after anyone who needs it. Y’know... a real man protects his family, and all.

What They Think About Before Bed: Younger: He’s probably been worked to instant unconsciousness. Older: After the security of the area, his thoughts wander as far as they can. Sometimes he tries to count his employers backwards, hoping he’ll break through that strange barrier he senses somewhere in the past. Why doesn’t he remember anyone before that?

What They Think Their Best Quality Is: Younger: He knows he’s a grounding influence. He’s good at projecting a calm aura. Older: His shotgun.

LAYER FOUR: WHAT’S BETTER?

Single or Group Dates: Group dates sound fun. That takes off a lot of pressure and seriousness; and it’d be nice for a girl to have another girl to talk to, right? Maybe single dates would be better after something like that. Of course, older... neither.

To be Loved or Respected: Younger: Both. Older: Respected.

Beauty or Brains: Younger: He’d like to say “brains” but he’s an absolute sucker for pretty girls. As long as they can tell a mole rat from a deathclaw, they’re probably good. Older: Definitely brains. Even if anything else weren’t hypocritical, he’s a lot more relaxed around someone who won’t get themselves killed.

Dogs or Cats: Dogs. There aren’t supposed to be any cats left, Todd.

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?

Lie: Younger: Rarely. Older: Never.

Believe in Yourself: Younger: Oddly, yes. He’s confident for someone with a bomb round his neck. Older: Yes, but in a much more practical sense.

Believe in Love: Younger: What’s not to believe in? Older: ...

Want Someone: Younger: Eventually. He’s a little commitment-phobic, but I think that’s understandable when you were engaged to your sister as a kid. Older: Pointless to think about. No.

LAYER SIX: EVER?

Been on Stage: No.

Done Drugs: Younger: (sheepish fidgeting, awkward smile) Older: Yeah, occasionally - but he almost sees it as medicinal. Firefight taking too long? Employer tiring out? Psycho. Finish it.

Changed Who You Were to Fit In: Never - never been able to. If he were, he might have seemed less like a vault tec ad come to life in his younger years.

LAYER SEVEN: AGE

DOB: Between 17 and 30+ depending on timeline point. I talked to Nimriel about this yesterday - I think averages out about 26, assuming we’re post-F3. But he stops counting then, since he’s technically immortal and never any closer to death. The only thing that changes anymore is the amount of unmarked skin he has left.

How Old Will You Be: ^^^

Age You Lost Your Virginity: 15. He’s a little ashamed of that now.

Does Age Matter: For what? For friends, not at all. For proper, long term partners, definitely. He’s a little shallow and won’t go much older than he is, but neither will he go much younger, and by “much”, I mean she has to be a grown woman with the maturity to match. He’s not interested in teenagers, they’re still kids, and kids shouldn’t think about that stuff. Obviously, older!Charon doesn’t give a fried fuck, his employers could be 19 or 90 as long as they’re breathing.

LAYER EIGHT: IN A BOY OR GIRL

Best Personality: Younger: Genuine, kind, caring, monogamous. Seriously, he has the out of touch mindset of a 1950s poster for a new oven, besides the intense misogyny. That said, he still thinks women have a certain sort of role; he sees it as his job to keep her and the children safe, and hers to take care of the home they put together from within. That means more making sure everyone eats more than polishing the silverware, though. It makes a little more sense in a Fallout setting; having one of them focused on defence and one on offence is pretty logical. He wouldn’t want anyone he loved to be the one getting covered in raider blood. Older: This isn’t really something that ever crosses his mind, but he does admire people with a purpose.

Best Eye Color: Doesn’t matter. He’s weak.

Best Hair Color: Again. Weak. But he likes blondes.

Best thing to do With a Partner: Younger: Never really had one for any extended period of time, if you catch my drift - but he’d probably like to travel with them. He loves seeing new places, but it’d be nicer if he wasn’t alone. Older: Survive?

LAYER NINE: FINISH THE SENTENCE

I love: [no words - just an image of an empty landscape view and the sun shining on it. seems to be the area surrounding Paradise Falls, but not viewed through a fence]

I feel: Younger: “Lucky.” (I know. But it’s the truth. He’s constantly thankful to still be alive after every owner and every fight). Older: “...”

I hide: Younger: His despair. That’s not something others ought to see, especially if it might affect them. He’s not as certain as he seems about being free one day. Older: Nothing, but he has nothing to hide, really. Just ask.

I miss: Younger: ??? How can he miss anything, when he never had it? Older: He has a vague sense that he used to be capable of a higher level of empathy and independence, but he’s not sure what that feeling is based on. If it’s true, it would be nice.

I wish: Younger: “I could get out of here.” Older: “...”

#borrowed from saltyspitfire!!!#take it from me if you want #I dont know that I should tag people its not really a tag meme but--#about;;#jesus #luckcrowned #i now cant stop picturing younger him and adolin #adolin: why dont they throw rocks at you #charlie: i hit on them one at a time dude....................#also i realised too late i share part of his name #not that i can do much about that #but i hope no one thinks its any kind of self insert because #@ everyone . im whitechapel. thats me. tired british and mechanical

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pappyfowler-blog · 6 years ago

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People need to wake up!

One thing I try to do in life is not judge others! However there comes a time when you have sat back, watched and heard ENOUGH! I am tired of judgements, I'm tired of hearing about trump, I'm tired of seeing school shootings, children murdered, dogs abused, mothers that do not give a DAMN to raise the children they had, memes making fun of bad situations, people airing all their business on social media, people being all in everyone else's business when they need to tend to their own, “Christian” people talking about how others live their lives and how everyone but them are going to hell, supervisors not doing their job and allowing their employees to suffer, RUDE individuals taking their hatred and misery out on the world, politicians who “CARE” so much yet each term the American people get only one “gift” from our government that only benefits like 15% of our country and the ones who aren't benefiting still love our president and representatives because they KNOW things will change!

I'm sitting here shaking my head, yelling inside “PEOPLE WAKE UP “.

I'm going to address some of these issues :

To all of you who judge human beings on this earth, first of all look in the mirror. I am positive that you have some skeletons in your closet. We are all human, made the same exact way, two genders Male/Female, not one of us is perfect SO WHO GAVE YOU THE AUTHORITY TO PASS JUDGMENT ON ANYONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF? This world was made so that we all could live here and be ourselves. Gay people have exactly the same organs and body parts as all of us, so do other races, addicts, Mcdonald's workers, teachers, preachers and our president. So what exactly are you judging? Their lifestyle choices? GUESS WHAT IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Worry about your family and their problems! Maybe if you did, our world would be alot better. Worrying about other people and what they are doing is the reason why our country sucks. No One can focus on the situations at hand because they are putting their nose somewhere it doesn't need to be.

School shootings? Why? Hey guess what if you know it's an issue, fix it. Put our veterans that are homeless and unemployed (due to our amazing system) in these schools and let them protect our children. Let the veterans meet every child at the doors and check them until this world stops their shit. Oh wait, the veterans are no longer any use to you right? They were good enough to fight for our ignorance, I'm pretty sure they qualify to watch over our schools. Sad part, they would do it for close to nothing, hell they don't have anything so 1.00, 3.00 or even 7.00 an hour would be fine with them.

About this whole hating the football player's still because they are kneeling. Sorry but they aren't hurting anyone. Guess what? America is supposed to be a freedom country. Free to have our own opinions, free to have our own beliefs. He is not disrespecting our troops or veterans. He just wants our country to realize the hatred against black citizens , and wants the violence of innocent black citizens to stop. I wouldn't stand for a country that condones violence against any person of color, specifically targeting African Americans and no one is doing anything about it. He wants equality, he wants justice for these people who are being treated differently because of their color. Our government allows this to happen and it's gross. He is putting his foot down on his beliefs and society doesn't like it. Why? Because society has forgotten what it's to think for themselves. He is sacrificing his career because he will not stand for a country that does not stand for all Americans. Our troops and veterans fought these wars so that we could have freedom. That includes freedom of speech and freedom to not agree with everything that goes on in the world. Why would you want to stand for a country that uses their people as puppets, brainwashing everyone into believing that their way of beliefs is the only way to believe or you will be an outcast in this country. Even if you don't believe the same, you will not confront them, go against them or challenge them because they have instilled in us that there's nothing you can do about it. We have to follow our government, the laws that they have made and our way of life they have set with no problems. What do we do? Listen and obey. We don't disobey our masters. REALLY? God gave us a brain and a mouth, USE THEM!

If you are not willing to raise, teach or support your child/children, then I beg of you to please use protection or don't have sex. 💯 These babies do not ask to be brought into this sad world, they also do not ask for parents that don't give a damn. Society wants to know why our schools are bad, why our children are killing each other, selling drugs, disrespecting anyone who passes them, doesn't finish school, hustling instead of working and growing into adults that will only help the hatred in this world because that's all they know. IT'S THE PARENTS!! Also, just because you have amazing parents, doesn't mean you can take advantage of them and pawn your children off on them. They DO NOT WANT TO RAISE THEIR GRANDCHILDREN! They want to spoil them and send them back to their parents. More and more grandparents are raising their children's children because they don't want them in foster homes or on the street. Im happy that they take a stand and raise their grandchildren, but why allow the parents to leave their responsibilities, just to be out partying, killing, hustling and sleeping with everyone they meet? Don't let these parents get away with popping children out and not being held responsible for acting as if they are not GROWN ASS PEOPLE!

IF YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN THEN STOP, I REPEAT STOP CONDEMNING PEOPLE OF THIS WORLD! As Christians you should know that judging is not okay, it's not your job, It's OUR HEAVENLY FATHER'S JOB. God says to love, God says to welcome, God says to be kind to every single person on this earth, God says to shine your light, not brag or speak of how RELIGIOUS you are. Do not put into words from your mouth about anything, if you are going to teach God's word, then teach it. Tell people what God says, Tell people how he wants us to live our life through Jesus, smile when you say you are God's child, help anyone who needs help, guide them DO NOT TURN THEM AWAY, DO NOT JUDGE THEIR LIFE AND THEIR MISTAKES, DO NOT TELL THEM THAT THEY ARE GOING TO HELL! You do not know any of our futures or what God has in store for us. As a Christian, we are supposed to welcome sinners into our church's so that we can teach them. Telling homosexuals, biracial couples ,addicts, criminals, unmarried mothers or anyone else that we are doomed for eternity and that God doesn't accept us is absolutely disgusting, disturbing and sad. Jesus is love, God is love! Love everyone, respect everyone, accept everyone. Why? Because on your judgment day God will be asking you why you didn't show love, forgiveness, compassion and kindness to others. Worry about your life and how you will one day answer to God. If you read your Bible, you will see that Jesus accepted, loved and treated everyone the same. He just wanted to teach the world about his Father and how he loves us all. Do the same!

I'm sure I could go on and on, but I think I will end this here. My point of this whole thing is this: Stop complaining if you don't intend on making some changes in the world by making changes within yourself. Our society will never realize that we are truly all equal and we are all in the same place, trying to work, feed our families, survive everyday issues, tragedies, wanting and needing more money, better insurance, peace between everyone, wishing and hoping everyday that all of the violence goes away, that our illness can be cured, that our children will graduate and go to college, happiness to finally come along and to just truly 100% be free to be themselves and not having to worry about how the world will react because they are different. Proudly showing who they are and not being killed, arrested or shunned away.

People WAKE UP and realize that all of the bs in this world could be better if we all made a change and start to share our opinions instead of hiding from society. Just be you, stand tall in your beliefs, understand that you are not any better than the rest of us, open your eyes to your neighbors and see who they truly are on the inside, instead of only seeing the outside, help anyone you can, teach the youth respect, responsibility, kindness, work ethics, morals, self worth, to stand for what they believe and love. Then pray that they take all they have learned and do something with their life.

#spilled ink #spilled thoughts #spilled words #spilled writing #my writing #society #compassion #love #respect #belief

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theconservativebrief · 6 years ago

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Warning: This article includes discussion of internet forums whose participants frequently talk about depression and self-harm.

In 2014, a 22-year-old man killed six people and wounded 14 in a mass shooting in Santa Barbara. Before the shooting, he left behind a series of videos and a “manifesto” in which he vowed his hatred for women and expressed deep bitterness over his status as a virgin. In April 2018, a 25-year-old man who carried out a Toronto terrorist assault directed at women praised the Santa Barbara shooter in a Facebook post shortly before his own attack, which left 10 dead and 14 wounded.

Both men identified as part of incel culture. Once hidden away within the internet’s dark underbelly, in recent years, incels have become a growing part of the conversation around toxic misogyny, the alt-right, and gendered violence. The Santa Barbara and Toronto attackers were heavily involved in and influenced by incel communities, where “involuntary celibates,” usually men, gather to opine on their inability to attain love and sexual fulfillment. This feeling of aggrieved entitlement — incels frequently feel entitled to the sexual and romantic interest of women, and bitterly resent women who reject them — is often characterized by a virulent, violent misogyny.

As awareness has grown around this troubled community and its outbursts of targeted misogynistic violence, so has speculation about what, if anything, can help its members. New York Times columnist Ross Douthat wrote a piece in May, “The Redistribution of Sex,” arguing that a “right to sex” — that is, the right to have some sort of sexual intercourse regardless of where you fit in a social hierarchy — will eventually become an established part of a liberal society. Douthat intended his piece to be a sort of balm, giving hope that one day technology and regulation would “address the unhappiness of incels, be they angry and dangerous or simply depressed and despairing.“

But if that’s what he was intending, he forgot to ask actual incels how they feel about having their unhappiness assuaged by the powers that be. The answer might have surprised him — and most people — because incel culture is inherently built around the rejection of the idea that one’s unhappiness can ever be remedied.

The incel community is notorious for rampant misogyny, violent rhetoric, and fatalistic attitudes toward modern relationships — attitudes that frequently serve as a gateway to the alt-right — but it’s also rife with depression, a nihilistic communal celebration of low self-esteem, and a widespread resistance to seeking therapy and getting treatment for mental illness. In fact, questions about how to meaningfully help men mired in incel culture before they become radicalized or violent reflect larger cultural questions about how we’re serving the mental health needs of all men in modern society.

To better understand how “self-help” works in a community that is obsessed with hopelessness, I spoke to five members of the incel community — including two women, for women surprisingly form an increasingly vocal part of the incel community, whether as incels themselves or allies who seek to create a community of support within a culture that often teaches its members that support is a hopeless pipe dream. While it was clear from these discussions that the nihilism of inceldom feeds its extremist toxicity and misogyny, I also found examples of members being kind and supportive of each other’s mental health, even as they wrote off their own chances for happiness.

This suggests that there may be a much more direct way to reach members of the incel community, and it’s simultaneously much simpler and much harder than anything Douthat proposed, with his brief mentions of sex robots and liberated sex workers. Outreach for incels shouldn’t start with enabling the community’s violent misogyny or its collective sense of entitlement to the bodies and emotional support of women. It should start with improving men’s access to mental health treatment — and, crucially, their faith that it can do them any good.

Reddit’s main incel community, r/Incels, was permanently banned last year for “violent content” as part of a recalibrated commitment to moderating the toxic subcultures in its midst. But it lives on in the form of r/Braincels and adjacent forums like r/ForeverAlone, as well as the currently dominant incel website Incels.me (a site for which every warning for violent misogyny, racism, queerphobia, fatphobia, and ableism is required).

Since the banning of r/Incels, the worst and most violently misogynistic members of the incel culture have gravitated to Incels.me, while r/Braincels recently appointed a woman as its head moderator and has tried to purge violent and extreme users. Across this limited spectrum of attitudes within a deeply sexist and entitled culture, what unites all incels is something known as the black pill.

Various parts of the “manosphere” — the part of the internet encompassing things like the so-called men’s rights movement, pickup artists, and incels — include a built-in moment of indoctrination into an ideology that has become colloquially known as “redpilling.” The “red pill” is both the name of an infamous subreddit and a manosphere meme borrowed from The Matrix. When you “take the red pill,” you “wake up” to the belief that progressive feminist views about gender equality have ruined modern life for men. The idea is that once you’ve been redpilled, you can embrace a patriarchal view of gender roles within a community of like-minded people, mostly men.

The incel equivalent of taking the red pill is called “blackpilling,” and it’s much, much darker. The idea of “involuntary celibacy” began as part of a disgruntled reactionist community that sprang up in the early 2010s in response to the pickup artist community and its brand of misogynistic self-help dating advice for men. On an extremely misogynistic site called PUAHate, the “incel” first took form as a self-deprecating, bitter loner who rejected the idea that self-help mantras — like Reddit’s frequent advice to “hit the gym” — could work for him. If you were unfortunate enough to be born physically unattractive, the idea went, the brutal truth was that there was nothing society could do for you.

Over time, this idea solidified into the dark “reality” behind the black pill and became a unifying theme across incel communities. The black pill worldview isn’t necessarily tied to the idea that you need to be in a relationship to be happy; it’s more like a doctrine that if you’re physically unattractive, you are unworthy of love, and therefore, all your attempts to form lasting relationships are not only destined to end in failure but are probably going to end up making you even more unhappy.

As one moderator of an incel community told me, the core of the black pill worldview is bleak fatalism: “Instead of trying to make peace with your flaws and/or try to find someone who accepts you despite them, you declare that your flaws make you inherently unworthy of love as a person, and that any affection that you can get despite your flaws is just a shallow replica with ulterior motives.”

Several members of the community I spoke with echoed this idea: If other people tried to protest to them that they were wrong and that everyone deserves to love and be loved, or that women do in fact love men for their personalities and not their looks, the blackpilled incel will often assume that they’re just trying to be nice, while rejecting the idea that any of these positive well-wishers could seriously be interested in them. Members of r/IncelTears, a subreddit for redditors who want to monitor the activities of incels, describe these encounters as frequently ending with the incel member accusing the “normie” of having ulterior motives or wanting to be secretly cruel. The incels I spoke with agreed with that assessment.

“The blackpill for me is acknowledging that the whole ‘we love you anyway’ and ‘everybody is worthy of love’ is BS,” an incel named Sinbad told me. “And that there are in fact people who are too ugly to get a relationship.”

The appeal of the black pill, for those who subscribe to it, is that once you’ve accepted this harsh reality, you can adjust and live your life accordingly.

“It is liberating to think that way in a sense,” the moderator told me. “You can stop worrying about improving yourself, stop worrying about the years passing by and your chances getting slimmer, stop worrying about what will happen in the future, because you are certain of your place in the world and what is going to happen.”

But, the moderator also added, “It’s a rather depressive outlook on life, to say the least.”

The incel community I spoke to for this article is Supportcel, a Discord server formed from a largely dormant subreddit by the same name. (Discord is a popular chat platform, widely adopted by gaming and niche internet communities.) It serves as a generally positive support group for incels of various stripes and is one of the hardest-to-pigeonhole spaces I’ve encountered in the manosphere.

One member told me he had slowly come to embrace feminist ideals but felt he couldn’t call himself a feminist because the movement wasn’t for him, while another member with a Pepe the Frog avatar — at this point an image permanently associated with the alt-right — asserted that he wasn’t alt-right, and instead complained about how the alt-right had ruined the meme. Some members were active on the main incel community on Reddit, r/Braincels, while at least one member was active on the incel-watch community geared toward non-incels, r/IncelTears.

These various contradictory impulses and complicating tensions extend to the association of incels with sexism and misogyny. Seven of Supportcel’s eight moderators are women, one of whom rejects the whole idea of inceldom but just wants to help the people in the community. She emphatically told me that none of the women buy into the idea of taking the black pill and that they retreated to a separate server when the blackpillers in their midst got too intense. However, she also said that the community had taken a toll on her self-image and “made me sometimes have dark thoughts about me and my relationship.”

“You can’t expect people who come from incel communities to have a healthy view of relationships and the other gender,” another moderator told me, “so some degree of casual sexism is in some sense tolerated.”

The community members I spoke with all believed that far more than a unified approach to gender roles, what defined an otherwise disjointed incel culture was “intense self-loathing” — the core of being blackpilled. You need do little more than glance at the front pages of incel subreddits to find ample evidence of this. For instance, from r/ForeverAlone:

And from r/Braincels:

It’s tempting to pass off some of this as self-deprecating humor, but incel culture is teeming with the kind of self-deprecation that gets dangerous fast. There’s a vibe within the community that encourages members to one-up each other in their commitment to their own hopelessness — a kind of public performance celebrating the idea that you are past the point of being helped. This idea can and frequently does verge into a glorification of suicide.

Along with that performative rejection of self-improvement comes an equally wary attitude toward mental health support. In essence, the black pill worldview makes them think it won’t do any good — so there’s a kind of badge of honor worn around the idea that you’ve accepted no amount of therapy can help you. A frequent incel mantra is “stop coping,” encouraging one another to give up and accept that the way most people deal with problems won’t work for them. One member of Supportcel noted that within incel spaces, lines like “there’s no therapy for your face” are frequent. And incels who make gestures at improving one’s mental health tend to preempt their own moves with the rhetoric that “it won’t change anything.”

Still, some members said they’d felt more welcomed in the incel space than other online communities they’d frequented. This might serve as a double-edged comfort, though: One member told me she’d had more intrusive negative thoughts since joining the community.

Sinbad told me it was a toss-up. “I am more depressed, but less suicidal because of the community,” he said. “The memes and jokes are quite funny, but the other stuff made me more depressed.”

The question of how to reach the people in these spaces before they grow more depressed or more violent is complicated. The consequences of doing nothing are potentially fatal; not only can incels become deeply suicidal through their participation in incel culture, but as we’ve seen, they can also become inspired to commit violent attacks against others. There are known correlations between aggression and suicide; researchers studying high-risk populations have found connections between violent behavior and lifetime suicidal ideation as well as between violent behavior and actual suicide attempts. These can increase when considering risk factors like social phobia and anxiety — both traits found within the incel community.

But the solutions being proposed so far feel inadequate. Arguments like Douthat’s have advocated some sort of mandatory sex quota, by way of sex bots or government-assisted trysts with sex workers. Others have argued that inceldom is inherently a part of rape culture and that men need to be taught how to be more nurturing. Still others have focused on the need for “difficult and uncomfortable conversations about the way young white men are socialized, long before they find their way to the male supremacist corners of the internet.”

Each of these approaches has its drawbacks. For starters, we’re a long way from government-issued sex bots, even if that wasn’t an ethical nightmare waiting to happen. (Sex workers should never be obligated, at the risk of their own safety and comfort, to provide services to every entitled person who might want them.) And while conversations about the realities of rape culture and white privilege need to happen, many incels reject such ideas as part of a rejection of feminism and progressive politics.

It’s also hard for many people outside the incel community to see the value in outreach, given the community’s virulently misogynistic overtones. Matthew Ezzell, a sociologist at James Madison University, cautioned that while the incel belief system might seem like it’s all just rooted in self-loathing, it’s really not.

“Although some self-identified ‘incels’ assert that the nihilistic views of ‘the black pill’ are what connect them, and not overt misogyny or alt-right beliefs,” he told Vox in an email, “notice the misogynistic basis of the worldview”:

“Success” with women is defined as sexual conquest; men are presented as being entitled to sex with women, but being thwarted by the next point; women are presented as fundamentally materialistic and shallow, only attracted to physicality and beauty and nothing else; feminism is presented as the source of the problem; men are understood to be the “real” victims.

Because of this underlying belief system, it’s difficult to extricate conversations about men’s mental health from the real threat many of these men pose to women.

Incels are not a community of sad men that reflect a societal problem with loneliness; they’e a community of violent misogynists that reflect a societal problem with sexism & sexual entitlement.

— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) May 3, 2018

From a mental health perspective, however, the misogyny is usually a mask. “What they’re expressing is probably pain … but there are biases around understanding male pain,” Matt Englar-Carlson, director of the Center for Boys and Men at California State University Fullerton, told me. “We all get socialized to look at men’s needs and not see them as critical.”

This gets even harder to do when the men in question are dehumanizing women and are celebrating and enacting violence against them. “It may be really hard for a layperson to understand that pain or have empathy for it,” Englar-Carlson said. The flip side of enacting justified outrage at expressions of misogyny and other polarizing worldviews, he cautioned, is dehumanization. “We throw people away so quickly,” he said. “We don’t see them as humans; we see them as opinions.”

Mental health professionals like Englar-Carlson — who believes that everyone can be helped — may have an obligation to hate the sin and love the sinner. “You don’t affirm the act, but you do affirm the person,” he said. “Just dismissing them or saying you’re crazy or you’re radical or you’re homophobic or you’re sexist … is not going to reinforce any kind of help-seeking. What it reinforces is the notion that you’re worthless.”

The more negative reinforcement men receive, the more urgent the need for mental health treatment rather than ostracism becomes. Men frequently hide depression behind personas of intensely masculinized behavior — and men who have their masculinity threatened are more likely to engage in risky behaviors or respond aggressively.

“Men struggle with the desire to prove their masculinity,” Joel Wong, program director of the counseling psychology program at Indiana University, told me. “When men perceive that they’re not regarded as masculine enough, they could react in one of several ways. One is that they could try to overcompensate by going to the gym and working out.” (Witness Reddit’s “hit the gym” motto.) “Another way is to say, ‘I’m going to forge my own path and form my own subculture.’ They’re all different ways to respond to a self-perception about their masculinity.”

“The idea of the lonely American male is a true experience for a lot of men,” said Englar-Carlson. He told Vox that the “support” offered by incel communities reflected a deeper truth about many online communities, which enable toxicity and negative thinking even as they offer limited opportunities for socialization: “You’ve made a connection, but the connection is possibly killing you.”

This is the kind of trajectory that once could have been a precursor for more serious mental health treatment — but in the US, at least, resources are limited. America’s public mental health system completely collapsed between the 1950s and the ’80s, and options for outpatient services are limited. A 2015 study found that only 41 percent of US adults with mental health conditions had received treatment. A 2011 report by the National Alliance on Mental Illness called state funding cuts to mental health services a “national crisis,” and noted that demand for psychiatric services was increasing even as resources were declining.

Additionally, Supportcel members expressed a distrust of social support systems for mental health. One member described the therapy he was currently undergoing as “useless,” while others spoke of fearing the intense stigmatization that comes with being identified as a person who has mental health issues. As a non-US native, Sinbad pointed out that most of the health advice he is given in the community tends to be US-centric. “A lot of the ‘advice’ I’ve been given would just make my situation worse if I applied it where I live,” he said.

“In general, there are a fair amount of men who have a really hard time accessing support services,” Englar-Carlson said. “One of the core notions of traditional Westernized masculinity is that you should be independent and you shouldn’t ask for help.” He said the popular perception that therapy is a place you go to cry or be weak is a barrier to men who’ve been conditioned to mask their emotions. “A lot of men equate therapy to weakness.”

Wong pointed out that the self-defeatist attitude of incels plays a huge role in whether they experience results even if they do have access to treatment. “Therapy might not be the most useful initial option because therapy only works when someone comes to you for therapy,” he told Vox. “But a starting point could be for therapists and psychologists to connect to them without saying, ‘I think you have a problem.’“

“You have to have health professionals who understand men,” Englar-Carlson said. “But it doesn’t help me to hang a shingle out saying ‘I understand men’ and wait for them to pour in.” Wong suggested that therapy-led support groups for incels could be helpful, along with needs-assessment surveys and potential workgroups for the community that could address some of the needs of members without condemning them.

Several Supportcel community members I spoke with did suggest that the incel sphere’s overall attitude toward mental health and treatment had improved somewhat. This, they believed, was mainly due to stricter moderation policies across many of the highly trafficked communities, the ousting of the most toxic voices, and a more open dialogue with “normies.” Of the many threads on r/IncelTears that look to help incels, the ones that offer advice and support frequently recommend leaving the community and seeking cognitive behavioral therapy. On r/IncelsWithoutHate, designed to be a space where incels can interact positively with each other and with those outside the community, members speak with tentative hope about seeking therapy and embarking on paths of self-improvement.

Out of all the factors that may be causing members of the community to seek movement away from toxicity, one of the biggest may simply be a growing awareness of how dark the incel rabbit hole is once you’re inside it. Since I initially spoke to them, one of the Supportcel moderators has stepped down and withdrawn from the community. “Everyone who’s involved in this community in any way eventually decides to just give up, in my experience,” they told me. “People who try to help incels eventually come to the conclusion that it’s generally not possible and that it takes a huge toll on their mental well-being if they are deeply involved in these efforts.”

“How can I stop becoming an incel?” a self-professed 20-year-old asked IncelTears recently. But in the middle of seeking answers, he seemed to have found his own: “I noticed that the more I read incels’ posts the more I tend to agree with them on some things,” he said, “so I stopped reading before aggravating my situation.”

It seems that if therapy isn’t attainable, then self-awareness may be the incel’s best hope.

Original Source -> What a woman-led incel support group can teach us about men and mental health

via The Conservative Brief

#IFTTT #The Conservative Brief

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