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i feel my ed getting worse again, I wish I had some to talk to. I don’t want to trigger people who also struggle with eating. on the other hand, I can’t talk with people who don’t understand mental health. It’s just so hard when you can’t talk to anybody, I could cry.

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Es ist irgendwie schon krass belastend dass man mit niemandem einfach nur befreundet sein kann. Immer sind irgendwelche Art von Gefühle im Spiel. Nichts füllt die leere in meinem Herzen. Entweder Hass oder liebe. Warum gibt es niemanden der mich mag?

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the truth is i want to be alone because i feel like no one can understand this. but at the same time im dying to be with ppl so i can forget about all this, even if its for a while, i can pretend that i am real.

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a perpetual cycle im stuck in,

been spending like crazy..having sex with random men..drinking a lot…barely sleeping ….smoking more weed and just being generally destructive but i can’t stop this train nor do i really want to bc i’m having fun, i feel chained, but also, liberated in a way…

i miss my bf so much, i still haven’t called him my ex bc a part of me is holding my breath that he’ll come back, at least fuck me and hold me one last time…

i always attract the best men. they use me and discard me like nothing and i’m left licking my wounds

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Favorite Person.

I will first fall in love at first sight. The person will even believe it’s love at first sight. Everything you do, say, all the way down to facial expressions, walking patterns, how you look so peaceful asleep. All of it. It makes them so perfect to me. They can do absolutely no wrong in my eyes. Everything you tell me, I will obediently agree with no matter how wrong it may be to me. I become you. It’s almost like looking into a mirror when you look at me. The look in my eyes everytime I look at you, is the same look of an innocent baby kitten. Full of love, admiration, energy. I’ll always say how much I love and appreciate you. How perfect, smart, talented you are.

But one day… you will look at me different. You might not even realize it, but I will. You’ll start wondering what the catch is... there is none. Why I’m so intensely in love with you? You may think I’m being not genuine. When this hesitation happens I start to switch gears, I become more emotional, clingy, and need more reassurance. I may do things to gain your attention, sometimes negative. I want you to save me from myself, from my self hatred and emptiness. You will get tired and I will notice. It’s clear you’ve taken a step back. I’ll say you don’t love me. I’ll act in unloveable ways to try prove myself correctly. Everything that was good, is now bad. I hate everything, you included.

You’ll feel the change so strongly you’ll probably be in disbelief how someone could change completely to someone different with completely different thoughts and feelings about something that once was perfect to them.

You now see two people, total opposites.

Then, you may show me extra love or do something to reassure me. Everything will be back to perfect, at least temporarily.

From this point forward it will be these very extreme ups and downs. It feels so real to me and when things are bad, I will see no good. The world is ending. You will be the enemy. I may get glimpses of my ridiculous thinking but the emotions will overpower those rational thoughts. You will see the worst and the best, the most extremes you’ve ever witnessed in a person. One extreme to the other in short periods of time. You will be the love of my life and my enemy. I will love you and i will hate you.

You can do no wrong, but you can do nothing right. You make me happy and take away my pain and you are the cause of my pain, all at once.

You build me up yet you break my heart. It will bounce back and forth between these extremes. I’ll genuinely believe both extremes. This is my reality. I don’t think I’m insane. I see both of these extremes and genuinely believe both. You are not a human that makes mistakes but is also a good person. You are one or the other.

This will happen until you leave me, and you will. When this happens I’ll be gone for good. Onto the next favorite person.

I wont remember how you were my favorite person because the memories are too painful.

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Es ist so anstrengend ständig zu vergessen. In einem Moment habe ich alles vor Augen und klappere die ganze Liste meiner Gedanken ab. Im anderen Moment habe ich kein Zugriff mehr auf meine Gedanken. Die Wörter sind verschwommen und nicht mehr zu erkennen.

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“Ich denke, manchmal behalten wir Geheimnisse nicht für uns, um sie vor anderen zu verstecken. Manchmal bewahren wir sie um diese Leute zu beschützen.”

— (via @meinlebennebenmir)

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That feminine urge to ask for reassurance from your bestie who’s just as fucked up as you are<3 

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Liebe ist etwas komisches, obwohl sie schön ist tut sie weh.