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It’s hard to love you, A.

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Penis

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I need to put my head on ur chest to heart ur heart beat. I need to feel the rhythm of your lungs going up and down against mine. I need to put my face in the crook of your neck. I need to smell your hair as I kiss your head. I need to give u butterfly kisses. I need to look deep into your eyes and get to memorize every color that’s in them. I want to memorize every freckle and mark on you. I want to know your heartbeat so I can replay it in my head and it’ll be my favorite song.

You are so much more than a muse to me.

I could never make you an object of affection just for me because the entire world should know of you and your light and love.

I love you.

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If I could be seen with you in public

If you could be here:

I’d lend you my jacket when you get cold at school. You know how I always tell you about the cold classrooms. You tell yours are like that too.

We’d walk to class together. We both love to draw and make jewelry, so naturally I’ll see you in fourth period Art. Your big grin greets me from the doorway as I hold my canvas.

You know everyone I hate and get me away from their presence with your conversations, this time not over the phone. Stealing me away for yourself, you drag me to the club next door. They host a smash bros tournament and we say hi to the seniors.

School lets out and we go to the supermercado down the street. Others beat up to it so we wait outside like every day before. I get a grapefruit jaritos and you grab an orange crush and maybe you find a tea drink. I pay for us because I can, through protest of course.

Mom picks me up and I never get that sinking feeling that this will be the last time I get to see you for a while because it’s not. I get to see you everyday. I get to tangle my hands in yours and I smile to you. We have fun like we always do.

If only you could be here.

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You kissed me on the nose

Like Laika

Never to bee seen again.

But in truth

You’ll see me every day.

I’ll orbit around your planet

As a ghost only to you.

I’ll know and you’ll know.

I’m not dead.

We are both intermingling among the same crowd, like the last year provoked.

I got sick of you before this though.

My parents did too, far before me.

There’s a difference between two words.

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James T Kirk wouldn’t but William Shatner would.

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I cannot let my love consume me

It’s so strong, I can’t handle it.

Every waking moment.

I’m thinking thoughts I would never before;

Wondering if I could be all over you,

Wondering if I could be consumed by you,

Wondering if I

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You could break my heart

That’s how I know

I love you

You love me

You know

I can break your heart

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This really fucking sucks. I feel like she totally guilt tripped me. She bought me whatever I want and then asked me to go to church more. She wants to save my soul. But she can’t. She can’t even save her own. Love shouldn’t be conditional.

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You are bug bites on vacation

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“She asked me to keep you safe whenever we’re together and for us to remain friends for a long time.”

Thank you. Thank you so much because it has been so hard for me lately

It’s been so hard to get someone to look out for me because I’m constantly looking out for others. I know you do the same. I’ll do the same for you.

Thank you thank you thank you.

You didn’t need to be asked because you already do it everyday for me.

Thank you.

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My death waits like a swinging door.

But whatever lies behind the door,

There is nothing much to do;

Angel or devil, I don’t care:

For in front of that door, there is you.

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I would sleep better on your floor then I would ever in my bed. I feel sorry that I can’t give you the romance you so desperately need and deserve. But I’m happy you’re like me and them, you don’t get whisked off your feet by just anyone. So I guess we’re special. You make a point to prove that we are any chance you get and that fills me with hope. My heart only breaks a little that I know you love me and I love you, in the way only we understand love, but I’m not your ideal. I’m quite the opposite of what you wish. But you still enjoy me and our group, the three of us. Some days I wish it would always just be us three forever and ever till we die. Please talk. Please stay. I’d do just about anything for the three of us to be able to love and cherish each other.

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Now I have to remember you for longer than I have known you.

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October 1, 2021

I need to stop myself before I get to deep. Like it’s all gonna happen again and it’s out of my control. But it’s just me overthinking again wich I don’t do. I never do that because that’s not me. But back to what I’m saying…

My head goes fuzzy and stupid because of you and I know I felt this before but in a different light. It’s stupid and I’m not stupid because I’ve been through something before but not like this. This is diferent. Agreeing with myself to not get things going to fast.

Thanks for your love because yes, I love you too, but shit what’s love anyways. What does it actually feel like. Have I ever actually felt it before? Love is such a universal feeling that anyone could hope to describe but how does it feel in reality? Is it that pit in ur stomach that u get when your hit with a big realization? Is it the butterflies like the happiest moment is happening right infront of you, running into arms outstretched?

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on the cruelness of fifteen

@/petrichara // the shape of a girl, joan macleod // @/cowboyvamplikeme // fifteen, taylor swift

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TW: medication and talk of pills 💊 and suicide

I went to the kitchen cabinet. 2 midol was what I was looking for.

God I’m so tired.

Some migraine tablets.

I’m so tired of this.

Headache pills. Some extra strength pain reliever.

I just… want a break. Please help me…

Maybe some more of-

“Hey hon, what’s wrong?”

I.. i.. i just..

“Mm”

“Not feeling too good? Tell me.”

Please mom, I don’t know what to do.

“Mmm”

“Is it a neck pain?”

No. It’s not. It’s everywhere pain. It’s my mind, my thoughts, my emotions, my body, my fear. It’s getting too much for me. I’ve been sad all day. I’ve been crying randomly. My feeling are out of control.

“I took two pain meds. I’m gonna go to sleep..”

“Ok hon, get comfy in bed and the pain will all go away. You’ll feel so much better. I love you!”

“I love you too, mom.”

Is this the last time I’ll get into bed?

Is this the final time I’ll hear my tv playing?

Is this the last time I’ll see my fairy lights glow?

Feel the softness of my stuffed animals?

Smell the green tea left on my table?

Will I close my eyes for the last time?

I’m not ready to go.