summer-depressed-vibes

[summer-depressed-vibes]

I actually have a whole folder called “that”.

And it’s basicly full of my thoughts. Of my bad bad thoughts. I mostly look back at something and i describe just how fucking shitty it made me feel.

Does anyone alse have something similar?

[summer-depressed-vibes]

I actually failed my driver’s license... so I am taking the exam again..

It’s making me anxious. I failed it two weeks ago. But when I left the building where I was taking the exam I cried.

Cried the whole way home which is twenty minutes. I laid in my bed for the next two days too. I was miserable.

And still feel like it.

I am taking it again in three days and well let’s just say that I am not happy with myself.

I am vomiting and having panick attacks... again

[summer-depressed-vibes]

I had something that I call an episode.

It consists of me basicly crying, tugging at my hair (sometimes even ripping it), banging with my hands all over my body creating bruises and scratching myself.

I have many scars on my stomach that are quite big and visible.

This so called panic attack episode.... is something that I didn’t had for a long time since I started to take medication.

But I just had one. I fought it. I tried not to hit myself with my fists, tried not to bang my head against doors or walls.

And I fought it. I didn’t do any of these stuff.

What is worst though I still have a feeling that makes me want to do all those things.

There is a mug full of tea. And this voice is telling me to smash it against my head.

——-

Don’t bottle up your feelings no matter your gender or sexuality. Let your tears free because they will come out eventualy. And it just may have bigger consequences.

Seek help if you need one. And don’t be affraid to admit to yourself that you need help.

[summer-depressed-vibes]

I almost burned my hand today.

Not by accident though.

I was thinking about touching curling iron that was plugged in...

Didn’t do it but was thinking about it... I am still thinking about it

[summer-depressed-vibes]

1/3

Morning.

You are on-line I can see it but because of some stupid reason I do’t text you.

Is it because of the fear that I will disturb you? You have your own life and I respect it. I do. I really do.

But we confessed to each other. And now I can’t get enough of your pressense. Even if it is just through text.

Or it’s because I want YOU to be the first one to text me. Because it feels like I am being lead on. That you said you love me but you don’t.

[summer-depressed-vibes]

My bath is full of warm water.

And as I slowly let my body sink into the water. The warmness spreads into my whole body.

I take a picture of the water. Iťs purple thanks to some shampoo.

As I touch the ground to pick up my phone I feel it vibrate.

You messaged me and I am smiling.

Suddenly the warm feeling isn’t only because of the water that is surrounding my whole body but from your message also.

I feel powerful.

So I take my phone and put on some music in hopes that it will make this moment last longer.

In hopes that I will be able to feel like the main character of some movie even after I leave.

[summer-depressed-vibes]

It’s something around midnight.

And I am waiting.

Waiting for the iPhone nostification sound.

That stupid sound will tell me if you replied.

But you didn’t.

And so I am just sitting in my car.

Waiting few more minutes for your reply.