stereostanzas - Tumblr blog

[stereostanzas]

i really shouldn’t be wasting my tears on you

but its too damn late for that.

i can feel myself suffocating on

all of the words i would i could have said to you.

but you wouldnt take them.

you wouldnt care.

if i told you this was my last day on earth you would just

stare right through me.

how can you do that?

how can you look right through me,

look right through my chest and not see my

beating heart that yearned for your sympathy.

i gave you my best but you decided that

it wasnt enough for you.

you think i dont care.

you think i never cared.

next time you call me heartless,

look into my mind,

my heart,

my inner most personal soul,

and maybe youll take it all back.

but ill never open up to you.

after what i been through,

its hard to open up to you.

after you call it fake,

ill never open up to you.

i try my hardest for you,

but its not good enough for you.

[stereostanzas]

Don’t ask me how I am.

People ask me

How I am

And to be honest, I always say

I’m not fine.

They never know what to say after that,

“You’ll be okay”

“Everything will be fine”

“You don’t have to face it alone”

Do they really mean that?

When every single one of them,

Didn’t think twice

Before drying me

Taking up the last drop of sanity I had,

They took everything I ever had.

They took away my identity

I don’t know who is this writing right now,

But it sure as hell isn’t me.

Want to know how I am?

I’m dried up, soaked up,

Empty, numb, emotionless

But there’s still humanity that’s keeping me alive,

Otherwise my sanity is long gone.

[stereostanzas]

a dog tries to starve itself to prove that it’s hungry.

tw for self harm, suicide etc

i am a walking contradiction. i want to be a man but i love like a woman. i ask you to hit me but i flinch before you do.

ain’t that some shit.

i push you down, press you into the mattress and i’m good, quiet as i guide your knife to my stomach. i don’t say a word as you slice me open. no, that’s a lie. i cry like a bitch. i always cry like a bitch. i cry in empty bathtubs, on cold floors. i cry in drugstore aisles, hoping you hear it and praying you ignore it. i cry thinking about the afterlife as i stare at razorblades and my fingers twitch, itch.

i’m a dreamer, i never said they were good dreams.

everything is a temptation but my cowardice keeps me locked up; a damsel in distress but she doesn’t wanna be saved, she wants to get worse. i think about pills and sharp metal but all i do is lie in bed. if i did it i’d be the first in the local paper in years, the fame i’d always dreamed of. sarcasm sarcasm sarcasm

i say i’m burning out, but that’s another lie, candles don’t burn unless you light them and all my matches seem to have gotten wet. (unless i never bought matches in the first place? sounds like me.)

i take my frustrations out on bathroom stall doors and hotel walls and i tell myself i like the pain (i don’t, i don’t, i wish i did). i think i’ve found my capital-letter People but that’s another lie (we really should be keeping track of these) because i’ll never fit in, i’m never enough, can’t even hurt myself right.

x for a kiss i crave but am too afraid to ask of you. y for my fickle brain and all its questions. z for nothing. for zero. i’m going to bed to feel it. goodnight my dear. even my poems are wannabes.

[stereostanzas]

[stereostanzas]

It’s days like these where things truly feel broken

Where the clouds are out but it doesn’t even rain

Things don’t sit right in my mind

I don’t feel worthy of anything

Loneliness covers me

Darker than the night

My veins are empty

Not a thing in sight

Trapped in a cage

Locked away

Insane

And they don’t get it

They don’t see my pain

And I can’t tell them how I really feel

I just lock it away

And try to forget it

Move on and act like things are fine

But you can only tell so many lies

Before it all come crumbling down

You can only put things off so long before they come back to haunt you

I feel like I did something wrong but I know it’s not true

I want to be anywhere else

I want to put my feelings on a shelf

Bottle them up and put them away

But I know that they’re here to stay

I wish I knew how to fix this

I wish I knew just how this ends

How could I ever find someone

If I can’t even talk to anyone

I feel sick

I feel empty

Nothing fits me

No one sees

No one listens

I can’t breathe

I’m living a lie

And breaking my mind

Simply because I don’t want to try

Someday I’ll find my courage

I’ll break out of my prison

And say fuck it all

But today I’m drowning in silence

Putting up walls

And wishing I could escape this place

How long would it take for them to find me again?

Would I even be truly free?

Im truly unlovable

I’m truly unfixable

So I’ll just stay this way

[stereostanzas]

when my shadow gets long

and my dreams get too big

when the streetlamps buzz like neon open signs

because haven’t you heard, the city never sleeps

(sheep don’t live on rooftop gardens, but it doesn’t matter, we’re all insomniacs anyways)

the clouds hang heavy and my soul hangs heavier

maybe we weren’t supposed to go this fast

maybe i wasnt supposed to go this fast

maybe we couldn’t help it

there’s a fire in the sky and a fire in my veins

(aren’t they the same thing though, really?)

from here, the trees look like paper toys

from here, the sunset sky is spilled dye (fuschia, blue, violet) from the last time i tried to reinvent myself in four hours and twenty minutes

(you can run, but you cant hide from who you used to be

but i don’t even know what im running from anymore

maybe i’m running toward

but i can’t see the lights anymore)

everything in the world sounds like a heartbeat

(maybe everything really does have one)

i dont know whether to be comforted or scared by that

when i look out the window at night (and sonetimes during the day too) instead of the world i see me but don’t you get it?

i didn’t ask for a mirror

[stereostanzas]

The haze runs deep

It never goes away

All you crave is clarity

All you want is answers

But the smog is too thick

It complicates things

Leaving you clueless and questioning

How do they do it?

Why does it matter?

A blind heart doesn’t flatter

The ocean of ignorance turns into regret

Hopeless are the ones who never accept

You can’t seem to get it right

No matter how hard you try

You can’t even begin to understand

So all that comes out is lies

How could you open up to someone

When you have no answers of your own

All these questions

Left unanswered

The alarms are ringing but which one is it?

There’s something wrong but you can’t fix it

All you want is a bit of clarity

But wishing for it feels too needy

You get a glimpse of little things

But it’s complicated and incomplete

A puzzle full of missing pieces

With no image of what it could be

So you keep on living with the haze

Pretending that it’s truly great

But you know that life would be so much better

If you could piece your life together

Mend the glass

Stitch the wounds

But the glass breaks too easily

And the stitches you used are too faulty

There are bigger issues than just the ones seen

And you have to fix those before you’re clean

[stereostanzas]

What lies at your center? If you were to rip away you flesh and muscle and bone, what would remain? Past the organs and right behind your heart. What is hiding there?

[stereostanzas]

it’s cold

(but that’s nothing new)

the wind is different

she plays with my hair but i’m not sure that i like this game (or maybe i love it, i can’t even tell anymore)

everyone’s talking but nobody’s saying anything

i think the sea stole their voices like an old disney movie, but you know i don’t believe in happy endings anymore

the sky is obsidian and the waves are ink and my hand is disintegrating into black raven feathers

(nevermore, nevermore, every single moment is gone in an instant, nevermore )

i’ve never believed in parallel universes either

too many choices, too many possibilities, surrounding me (drowning me) like all the stars i cannot see

the sea covers me in bluegreen like flicking paint from a paintbrush

but then the clock strikes twelve and carriages turn into pumpkins and now it’s midnight blue that’s coating me, choking me

it fills up my throat and spills out of my hands

water is only blue because it’s reflecting the sky but maybe at night all the ocean is reflecting is me

Girl With Glass Slippers On Her Feet And Raven Feathers For Hands

it could be a painting, definitely abstract, maybe a sculpture

it could hang in a gallery and critics could comment on the symbolism and visual metaphors

they can critique all they want, but nobody would ever buy it anyway

most of the people flock to the top deck to see the redorangeyellowpinkbluewhite sunset and the city that we’ve already left

but i like the lowest one the best

i stand alone in front of the railing

the sea looks so still

(except for us)

i wonder what it would be like if i carefully climbed on top of that railing

stood up

held out my arms like jesus on the cross

and just

fell

would the wind blow back my hair like ribbons behind me?

would it be cold?  (well, i know the answer to that one)

would i just sink down down down, slowly, forever?

would the water fill my mouth and my eyes and my nose and my throat and my lungs?  (would i even struggle?)

i also sometimes wonder, as i’m riding in a car, in a bus, with the windows open to invite in the wind

if i could just throw my phone out onto the highway

hear it shatter watch it stay on the ground

i dont even know why

sometimes i feel my hand moving to my pocket

i dont want to

(but maybe i do)

[stereostanzas]

“Have faith,” you told me,

“Have faith in the one who loves you most.”

And my dearest, I did.

For the longest time I believed and believed,

Hanging upon your words,

Taking your honeyed lies into myself,

And celebrating them, cherishing them,

Like the promises I believed they were.

When really, they weren’t.

You must’ve looked at me,

And thought me a fool,

To believe in you, and trust in you,

So easily, so naively.

I wonder, were you surprised?

That I ate up your lies and deceptions,

None the wiser, completely unaware?

Or did you know that I would believe,

That I would trust, and give you my faith,

My love, my heart and soul?

You must’ve known,

Because you did this to all the others,

To all the ones who came before me,

And you knew that they believed too.

That they also trusted you,

And also gave to you, their very souls.

So I cry out and lament,

For all the ones who came before me,

And were fooled by you too.

For all the lies I’ve heard from you,

For the broken glass you’ve left in my heart.

As I stare up at this blank ceiling,

Not dreaming, not wishing,

But just thinking of you,

Damn you, my love.

-A

[stereostanzas]

[stereostanzas]

[stereostanzas]

///

there's a pressure behind my eyes and in my skull and i do not know if it's from the loneliness or the emptiness or the sadness or just everything. sometimes i feel like i'm just a shell that could be cracked open to reveal absolutely nothing inside, you could just peel away the outer layers and i would just be empty, nothing tangible. some days i want to float away but i know that i am anchored to the ground by nothing by my own self hate. i can't deal with myself for this long can someone come save me from my own consciousness. i wish i could feel more and less and i wish i could be less over complicated and over dramatic and i wish i wish i wish that this existence wasn't as hard as it seems to be. i'm just too big and too small and everything i know is just static and wavering and i don't know anymore i am so sorry.

[stereostanzas]

I gave my heart to someone who doesn’t know they have it It seems the best way to keep it safe    You know? I slipped it into their bag    their back pocket     their thoughts When they weren’t looking And I never told them that I did So Now They carry it from place to place A little piece of me with them And I know that my heart is secure For how can they give it away when it’s tucked aside so carefully? How can they break it when they don’t know it’s there? Yes This is safe

And yet

Though they are graceful in their movements, I can feel my heart crashing from side to side Though they are gentle with their words, my heart still cries at the call of their voice

But, still, it must be safe

No one else can come collect it And no one else can harm the tender thing

And yet

Though my protector is blind to their duty, they still fill their eyes with care Though my defender knows not of their task, they still ask if my heart’s okay

And I tell them it is safe

I gave it to someone who doesn’t know that they have it    I say I trusted it to someone I know won’t notice I gave it to someone who’ll never see

And how will you get it back    They ask And how will you know that it’s safe And how will you ever fall in love

Though they mean well with their words, my heart yearns to be back in my hands Though they smile kindly, my heart wishes it didn’t have to see

I have given my heart to someone who doesn’t know they have it    And this is all I can say

[stereostanzas]

sometimes blood runs

golden in my veins

sometimes i heat up

my face, my chest

colored with red waves

and i just think

why am i this way

but it's always because

of my adoration

my relationships

with other people

because if there's anything

that'll keep you going

it's praise and joy

companionship and understanding

it's having your words heard

your ideas processed

and it's feeling

a lot like love

and sometimes

it's impossible to ignore

[stereostanzas]

“we are all filled with words we refuse to use.”

— 10 for the breathless (via imperiallefty)

[stereostanzas]

the thoughts are spilling out

dripping out my eyes

running down my nose

i can't keep much inside

everything is shown

it's all known

just embrace the slip up

laugh and say "it's okay"

life goes on

but i can't keep this up

the mask keeps slipping

and i keep showing

maybe that's okay

maybe that's better

what if i always could

be who i'm too scared to be

what if i always was

and just didn't know it