steamboat-baby

[steamboat-baby]

[steamboat-baby]

the one that does the breaking

my heart carries no walls only a small warning sign carved into the dust by the last one left to die there are no guns drawn or weapons aimed i welcome you with open arms i don't hold weapons around my heart i let you in and leave you there stranded.

[steamboat-baby]

am i healing? or am i laying bricks to build my walls?

is there really a difference?

[steamboat-baby]

iv - i scream his name so the wind won’t ever forget it.

if i am but used to the pain and poison all of the compromises and settling

he is every bit of safety and knowing showing me love doesn’t come with a rulebook

he’s the lyrics to my favorite songs ivy growing and invisible strings he is the reason i smile in my rearview driving over the speed limit

i scream his name so the wind won’t ever forget it.

masterlist // ao3

[steamboat-baby]

“don’t project YOUR issues onto that fictional man” i’m not even doing anything. he’s doing all that shit himself. sorry for spotting patterns. observing. understanding nuances. i guess

[steamboat-baby]

“Silence, I discover, is something you can actually hear.”

— Haruki Murakami

[steamboat-baby]

holy shit

this is sort of lame, but when you were younger, you were sort of puzzled by the cartoon representations of fathers: how a kid would be outside with a mitt, waiting to play catch.

it's not that your father never played catch with you, but you also didn't like when he did. something about a hard ball coming quickly towards your face doesn't seem exciting. not that you'd ever say you don't trust him. you trust him, right?

it's not like he never tried to teach you anything. or never tried to parent. on rare days, a strange person would walk in your father's skin. bright, happy, magnificent. this version of your father was so cheerful and charismatic that you would do anything to keep him. and this is the version of your father that would laugh and gently coax you try again. this is the version of your father that would break down the small elements of a problem and point them out so you have an easier time with them.

as a kid, those days happened more often. but somewhere around 11, you started being too much of a person, and he was often cross about it. when he'd try to sit you down to learn something, you spent the whole time with your shoulders around your ears, nervous, uncertain. terrified because you didn't immediately understand how to navigate something. worried you will run out of his goodwill and then you will have the Other Father back, and you will have ruined a good day for your entire family. something about you being visibly afraid - it just made him angry. he would accuse you of not wanting to learn and storm away.

on tv, it's not like there's a lot of versions of men-who-are-mostly-fathers. they can be good dads, but usually their stories are not told in the household. so it's normal that your father is there, but he's never around. you know he was in the house, somewhere, it's just not that you guys ever... "hung out". he just seemed to get kind of bored of you, annoyed you weren't made in his perfect image. frustrated with how much energy it took to raise a kid. over time, you kind of adopt a bittersweet band around your throat - he knows nothing about me. he says at least i never abandoned my family.

and it's technically - technically - true. he was there for you. sometimes he even made an effort and made it to the big moments; the graduations and the dance recitals. he grins and tells everyone that he taught you. it almost erases the days in between, where he complains because you need a ride to school. the weeks that go by where he doesn't actually ever speak to you. the times you say i am struggling and he says figure it out on your own. i can't help you.

and that's fine! that's all fine. you can call him if you are having a problem with your car. or if you need a ride to the hospital. he loves playing hero, he just doesn't like the actual work that comes with being a father. and you've kind of made your peace with that; because you had to, because you don't want to live your life like he does; the whole world at a managed distance, a little rotating and controlled orb he can witness and take credit for but never truly love.

as an adult, you are rewatching some dumb cartoon - and again, the child standing in the rain, with a mitt, waiting for their father to come play catch. as an adult, there's this strange creeping dread - this little thing? this little thing, and their dad can't even show up for that? oh god, holyshit, it's not about the mitt, is it. oh god, holyshit, your father spent most of your life leaving you hanging.

[steamboat-baby]

oh to be loved in the way that hozier sings about loving a woman

i want to be your manic rhapsody

[steamboat-baby]

xiii - the death of a shooting star

my feet are back on the bricks laid out for me since the moment i took my first breath.

and all i can do is wonder about the person i’d be if i was here because it was all i ever wanted.

the world will spend years telling you to follow your heart until a shift in fate decides your childhood is over and there things to do and bills to pay

dreams don’t put food on the table soon enough i’ll have mouths to feed and i’ll spend forever missing the girl who wanted to sing to write to dream.

they shouldn't have given us disney princesses if they expected us to give up our shooting stars.

masterlist // ao3

[steamboat-baby]

i wish i could kiss the old me on the forehead and say hey! you didn’t deserve any of it! but i’m living proof that you’re gonna get through it!

[steamboat-baby]

“The thing you are most afraid to write. Write that.”

— Nayyirah Waheed

[steamboat-baby]

new years resolution,

make every second of my life

a reminder of the strength in which

i should be living.

what did you learn this year ?

[steamboat-baby]

HEY SORRY WHAT I SAID WAS WEIRD I AM FULL OF CURSES

[steamboat-baby]

From Taylor Cielo's chapbook, A Magnolia Tree Outside a Child's Bedroom Window, available at https://bottlecap.press/products/magnolia

[steamboat-baby]

hot take- older generation english teachers are all a part of a large group conspiracy to make high school students hate poetry.

old school poetry analysis kept me from loving poetry until well after i finished my last english class.

[steamboat-baby]

writers and poetry lovers!!! please interact!!!

hey! my name is emma (she/they, 18) and i'm a university student majoring in pharmacy. i've been writing for only about a year, and i started as a way to vent and cope with my own traumas, stress and life. i've found an immense passion for it, and i spend just about every second of my free time typing poetry in a google doc. i decided it was time to let those poems actually see the light of day, and to connect with people who have the same passions as i do! i'm looking to connect with some other writers in the writeblr community and read and share art! i want to learn from others and really find my people. i mainly like to write poetry on trauma and relationships, but i'm trying to dive into other topics when i feel like it. my work is largely personal, but i am hoping to use this account to also test my comfort zone and venture into creative writing as well. currently i have one ongoing work posted on tumblr!

SONGS WITHOUT A CHORUS

i - i wish i knew you the way they did

ii - she’s gone now, that’s for sure.

iii - i’ll take care of it, em.

iv - i scream his name so the wind won’t ever forget it.

v - i am the girl she needed to become.

vi - you can’t be okay if he isn’t.

vii - i wouldn’t want to believe in him anyway.

viii - i’ll hold a sign up at my own show.

ix - everything traces back to him.

x - i could spend the rest of my life writing you and never quite capture it.

xi - this is love.

xii - i’d never stop wishing for you.

xiii - the death of a shooting star

i'm really looking to make some friends here! i've only been on tumblr a little while, but it's been lonely. interact if you like poetry, write poetry, or write anything!! (i may be shit at writing stories but i'd love to read yours.) my favorites to read are fantasy and romance! i'm also an avid fanfiction lover. (daredevil, doctor who, supernatural, detroit become human, marvel, game of thrones/hotd etc. im a nerd. i have an ao3 where i also post the chapters i post on here. (i personally like reading on ao3 more than tumblr) check it out in my bio, along with my spotify and my working masterlist!

like/reblog if you like anything i mentioned! i'm really excited to be a part of this community and contribute to the wonderful art everyone creates. <3

[steamboat-baby]

he fights for me even when words aren't easy.

he's there even when we're falling apart.

love is the strongest force in the world.