starry4930

[starry4930]

I’ve been considering doing this for a while and always stopped myself. But have decided even if one person saw it and it made them think it would be a good thing.

Being a fake system is not always a deliberate act and you’re never too deep to get out. And getting out is likely healthier for you than you realise. I know from experience.

A few years ago I discovered DID and OSDD communities and was intrigued and after a while realised I had dissociative symptoms, a history of trauma and came to the conclusion that I must be a system. Whilst having looked at communities on here I mostly interacted in discord servers having pluralkit set up with my alters. But that’s not what they were, no matter how much I had convinced myself. At the time I was convinced I was a system that these were alters and that I was going to get help as soon as I could. I always had this little doubt in me that I was wrong. Doubt that I always shoved down as I needed an answer to these frankly terrifying experiences I had been having.

It was a while before I deleted pluralkit that I realised I likely wasn’t a system. I had realised I was wrong but didn’t know how to get out. The answer (for me at least) was to just leap. Leave every system based server I was in, delete pluralkit and join a few new servers not catering to systems and have a fresh start. It was the healthiest thing I ever did for myself.

In the end I wasn’t a system. I had my earliest symptoms of functional neurological disorder (FND) and my natural way of thinking was an inner dialogue (still do it to this day). Everyday I am thankful for my FND diagnosis as an answer to symptoms I have however the fact of the matter is that my participation in system communities likely delayed my diagnosis by 2 years and I wasn’t diagnosed until I developed new symptoms that hospitalised me. I don’t blame anyone for the delay in diagnosis but it’s not an easy realisation to have.

As I have said before I am in a much healthier place now even if my trauma hasn’t been fully addressed professionally. I have a support system of family and friends who help me if it does bother me and know that if it ever gets worse or I ever feel like I’m in the place to I will seek professional help. As for now my focus is on FND recovery. I always did want help and now I am getting the correct help.

If you’ve made it to the end thank you I realise it’s long. I hope someone understands what I’m trying to get at here. Not accusing any one of anything just an anecdote that may help someone. I hope it helps someone.