soullessbullshit

[soullessbullshit]

Indaenir: I can't right now. I'm busy pondering how the sun makes a sound we can't hear.

Urcelmo: That's... ominous.

Indaenir: Only if you assume it's laughter.

[soullessbullshit]

I want it on record that I am a proud member of Team "Gabrielle Benele is Completely Unhinged."

This may be a rather lukewarm take, as I don't have as much interaction with the Daggerfall Covenant side of the ESO fandom, but I'm convinced that, like myself until a couple years ago, neither has anyone that has ever earnestly considered her a voice of reason.

Gabrielle is that one character that people assume is put together at first glance because she's intelligent and professionally accomplished, but that perception completely shifts as people gradually discover the laundry list of borderline war crimes she's used those smarts to commit.

Her canonical claims to fame include, with no hyperbole applied:

Singlehandedly breaking into a cult-infested crypt for a talisman rumored to open portals to Oblivion.

Gleefully hacking the warding sequence on one of the most secure vaults in the Covenant and openly admitting that she'd wanted to take a crack for some time upon learning it was named the "Impervious Vault."

Getting banned from the Anchor's Point Inn for setting fire to the hair of a pushy dragonknight who failed to heed her rather upfront request to stop hitting on her (easily the most understandable point on this dissertation).

Losing "teleporting directly to the Evermore Mages' Guild" privileges for a reportedly similar incident.

And, most unnervingly of all, sending a treatise to Covenant generals advising the displacement of beasts and beastfolk in enemy territory to send them rampaging into local settlements as an invasion tactic.

Ya gurl may have more outward tact in professional settings, but there's absolutely no way her dynamic with Darien doesn't involve him reigning her in ethically as often as she reigns him in conversationally. These feral besties are two halves of a whole common sense and I love that for them.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

[soullessbullshit]

Verandis: You know what they say. "Whenever you see enemies, that means you're going in the right direction."

Verandis: So if you see red flags, that means they're probably the one for you.

[soullessbullshit]

Mannimarco: Tell me, cat. Do you wish to join us in eternal life?

Khoshekh, chained to the ritual altar: Not particularly.

Mannimarco:

Mannimarco: That's too fucking bad. Get over here. [stabs them]

[soullessbullshit]

Melina: Crisis averted! Not a single casualty!

Verandis: Impressive work. How did you prevent them from killing anyone?

Melina: Oh, that was all Cassian.

Fennorian: He's surprisingly effective in a hostage negotiation.

Adusa-daro: What? How??

[a couple hours prior...]

Vampire: IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP, I'M DRAINING EVERYONE IN THIS BUILDING!!

Cassian, hanging around on the porch: Damn, a buncha human civs? I'm fuckin' terrified.

Vampire: I MEAN IT, SMARTASS!!

Cassian, smug as Oblivion: Yeah, I'll bet. Not like you could beat anything tougher, ya twee bitch. You tryna feel all rough and tough and scary? Look at you, pickin' on the little twerps like some big, strong man!

Vampire: YOU-!!

Cassian: I'd say you look like you break your pasta, but I bet you gotta stand on a ladder to spook an eight-year-old into doin' it for ya-!

Vampire: [bashes through the door in a full-body tackle, claws tearing into Cassian in a blind rage]

Vampire, pausing mid-slash: [looks up at the bleeding stump of an elbow where the rest of his limb used to be]

Cassian, halfway into werewolf form: [grins up at the vampire with a severed forearm mangled between his jaws]

Vampire:

Vampire: [looks back at the building]

Fennorian: [sprinting through the door to tend to the hostages]

Melina: [gleefully winding up a throw]

Vampire, watching the explosive rune fly straight at him: Shit.

[currently...]

Cassian, brushing ashes from his rapidly healing burn wounds: Make yourself the most killable thing. Works every time.

Fennorian, scrambling for detergent: Wait, no! The carpet-!

[soullessbullshit]

Malek: Where the fuck would we be without garlic, honestly?

Cassian: Ideally, getting railed by a vampire.

[soullessbullshit]

Cadwell: Your mental illness is all in your head.

Khamira: Where did you think it was? My ass?

Khoshekh: Mental illness is stored in the balls.

Tharn: Mental illness is the powerhouse of the cell.

[soullessbullshit]

Melina: Wait, do werewolves have toe beans?

Verandis, without looking up from his book: Of course they have toe beans. What else do you suck on?

Adusa-daro: If there is a god, Adusa's is surely a trickster, giving her the gift of hearing and of comprehension, only for Adusa to be cursed to use it on what you just said.

[soullessbullshit]

Lyris: Abnur Tharn is... a friend.

Varen: See? It's not that hard to say something nice- oh, you're vomiting.

[soullessbullshit]

Shazah: Not a fan of the humble wombat.

[the next day...]

Shazah: I would like to apologize for the things I said while under the influence.

[soullessbullshit]

Concordia: You're Argonian?

Speaks-in-Embers: Yep. Colllld-blooded.

Tavi: Sucks you can't enjoy spicy food.

Naril: ...Why not?

Tavi, momentarily possessed by the infinite knowledge of Apocrypha: Cuz... Cuz only mammals are affected by capsaicin- I don't know what I'm saying??

Naril: Is that true?

Speaks-in-Embers: Yeh.

[soullessbullshit]

Cassian: Do you trust me?

Gwendis: Yes.

Cassian: Wait, what? Why?

[soullessbullshit]

Indaenir: Hold your horses, Cariel. Hold them tight.

Cariel:

Indaenir: Cherish them.

Cariel: What?

Indaenir: I don’t know, I haven’t eaten today.

[soullessbullshit]

Tavi: The firsteth rule of alchemy is to hath fun and beeth thy truest self.

Tavi: The secondeth rule is to think with thine pussy.

----------

Tavi: I hath blown up mine university lab.

[soullessbullshit]

Estre, at the Cliffs of Failure: I'm basically an exterminator and you're cockroaches. My job was to squish you and poison you, and yet, somehow, my very survival now depends on you, the cockroaches, agreeing to help me. That’s funny.

Khoshekh: We're cockroaches to you?!

Estre: Yeah. Or dung beetles. I don't know, something small and gross that creeps on the ground in its own filth.

Khoshekh:

Estre: Just being honest.

[soullessbullshit]

Tharn: I know we’ve had our differences…

Lyris: We tried to kill each other!

[soullessbullshit]

Sai: You were spying on us?

Veya: I mean... I tailed you. Just like Khoshekh taught me when we trained together.

Sai: [glares at Khoshekh]

Khoshekh: I teach every kid I meet how to do crime. Crime is fun.