so-much-why-blog

[so-much-why-blog]

WHEN I'M SITTING IN HITCH SUITES....

I don't even both swiping ants off of me anymore... I'll be typing on my computer and there will literally be ants crawling on my keyboard and then up my arm and then who knows where else because I just don't have the energy to wipe them off of me anymore. I am resigned to my fate of being covered in dirt and crawling insects.... Living in Hitch Suites is like being buried alive in a coffin with holes in it: You're gonna be covered in ants and shit and there's nothing that you can fucking do about it. And then... when my roommate finds that a huge fucking spider has built A NEST for itself in one of her shirts... OVERNIGHT. I realize that the chances of me coming out of here in one piece  and not eaten alive by ants and/or spiders.... is probably 50/50.

[so-much-why-blog]

WHEN I'M STARTING TO GET REALLY SICK THE THURSDAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND

Noooooo...... why......... I just want to be better....please Party Gods... Please let me get better.....

[so-much-why-blog]

WHEN IT'S MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND

It's my 23rd birthday on Monday!! Which is kind of crazy/depressing because it will be the first time I will not be lounging out by a pool with a beer in one hand and a margarita in the other in a long long time. Instead, I will be sitting at my desk at work... wanting to die. Growing up sucks kids... don't do it. So how's the weekend gonna pan out? Probably like this:

WHEN MY MOM ASKS ME WHAT MY PLANS ARE FOR MY BIRTHDAY:

WHAT MY ACTUAL PLANS ARE FOR MY BIRTHDAY:

WHEN I TELL MY BOYFRIEND THAT I'M GONNA GO OUT FRIDAY,SATURDAY AND SUNDAY

WHEN I START GETTING READY FOR MY BIRTHDAY 4 HOURS BEFORE ANYONE ELSE DOES, WHEN IT'S STILL LIGHT OUT:

WHAT I SAY TO MY FRIENDS BEFORE WE LEAVE FOR THE BAR:

WHEN I HAVE TO PEE BEHIND A BUSH BECAUSE THERE ARE NO WASHROOMS AROUND:

WHEN I WALK INTO THE BAR  ON MY BIRTHDAY

HOW I'LL BE WITH MY IPHONE ALL NIGHT

WHEN I'M ON THE MECHANICAL BULL AT THE COUNTRY BAR WE'RE GOING TO:

WHEN I'M DRUNK AND PEOPLE START SINGING ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY:

WHEN I'M DRUNK AND A GIRL IS BITCHY TO ANY OF MY FRIENDS:

WHAT I'LL WANT TO DO BEFORE WE GET HOME FROM THE BAR:

WHEN I WAKE UP STILL DRUNK THE NEXT MORNING:

WHEN I CONVINCE MY FRIENDS TO COME OUT DAY DRINKING WITH ME ON SUNDAY:

WHEN WE WALK INTO THE POOL PARTY HUNGOVER ON SUNDAY MORNING:

HOW I'LL FEEL ON MONDAY MORNING (MY ACTUAL BIRTHDAY):

WHEN MY MOM TELLS ME I'M GETTING TO OLD TO CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY LIKE THIS:

........Finally.....

HOW MY BIRTHDAY WILL ACTUALLY BE:

[so-much-why-blog]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KENNY

[so-much-why-blog]

WHEN ME AND MY FRIENDS GO TO VEGAS

I'm leaving for Vegas bright and early at 7am tomorrow.... Instead of updating everybody constantly and drunkenly.... I'll just give a brief but accurate run down of how this weekend is gonna go:

WHEN I FINISH WORK TODAY:

WHEN ME AND MY ROOMMATES GET ON THE PLANE TO VEGAS:

WHEN I GET OFF THE PLANE TO VEGAS' 40 DEGREE WEATHER:

WHEN I GET TO OUR HOTEL AT 9AM:

WHEN SOMEONE TELLS ME THAT I SHOULD SLOW DOWN MY DRINKING BECAUSE IT'S NOT EVEN NOON YET:

WHEN I TRY TO DO MY MAKE UP TO GO OUT FOR THE NIGHT, AFTER GETTING HAMMERED IN THE SUN ALL DAY:

WHEN WE'RE JUST LEAVING THE HOTEL TO GO OUT FOR THE NIGHT:

ANY SOBER PERSON WHO SEES HOW ROWDY ME AND MY FRIENDS ARE:

WHEN I'M AT THE CLUB AND "I FEEL SO CLOSE TO YOU RIGHT NOW" COMES ON:

WHEN WE GET ON THE BUS BACK TO LA:

THE NEXT DAY WHEN EVERYONE STARTS TAGGING DRUNK PHOTOS OF ME ON FACEBOOK........

Have a great weekend everyone.... I promise I'll try and come back from Vegas alive.

[so-much-why-blog]

HOW PEOPLE THINK OF ME AFTER READING MY BLOG

WHAT THEY THINK I'M LIKE:

WHAT I'M ACTUALLY LIKE:

I swear I'm not just constantly raging all the time. I mean, I know I have red hair and that sometimes, very rarely, I have the temper to match... (Mom, you just scoffed out loud didn't you?). And I realize that a lot (pretty much every one) of my blog posts make me sound like I'm on my period 26 days out of the month ... but I swear I'm not jacked up on Dianabol (a steroid, ya I googled that shit), in a permanent state of Roid rage.

I've had a few people come up to me (message me on FB actually...typical), and tell me to cool down and relax because my blog posts are so angry.... Dude. I'm calm. I'm relaxed. It's not like I'm 10 seconds away from having a complete meltdown in the middle of Panera because their toaster isn't working and all I want is my morning bagel... even though it makes absolute no sense that a BREAD place would have a non-functional TOASTER.

No. I'll just sit around with my friends drinking wine (pfft.. who am I kidding... we drink beer... we drink ALOT of beer) and rip that girl who posts photos of herself in lingerie on facebook, apart from the comfort of my apartment or favorite bar. No yelling involved. Just a lot of judging and hilarious commentary. So, YOU can take it easy bud. And ya I'll probably be bitching about you later tonight, while I'm drinking some Tecate, because apparently I've lost any standards I had for beer when I moved to the States.

[so-much-why-blog]

WHEN I'M TRYING TO GET FOOD AT THE UCLA DINING HALL

So, we share the UCLA dining halls with hoards of pre-pubescent and horribly pubescent kids that are staying at UCLA for a bunch of summer camps or some other type of summer school thing.

Whoever came up with the idea of shoving a bunch of 13 and 14 year olds together for a few weeks in the summer, should have also come up with the idea of shoving them into an area of the world where no one above the age of 18 would ever have to deal with them. 14 year olds are the worst... ever. They make me never want to have babies... because if all goes well, babies turn into 14 year olds... in which case I bet you begin to wish that things hadn't gone so well after all. Like maybe it wouldn't have been such a bad thing if you hadn't found Ashton that time you lost him at Wal-Mart. (I like to think that the douchiest 14 year old you could ever meet is probably named Ashton)

Not only are 14 year olds completely self-centered and obnoxious, but they also apparently have no sense of where their body is in relation to other objects... or people.Trying to maneuver around the dining hall when it's filled with hungry, yelling teenagers is like trying to walk through... I can't even think of a comparison, because it is just the worst thing ever. (Also probably because it's 3:30pm and the creative part of my brain has been shut off since 11am... I have a very small window of brilliance... typically, it lasts about .2 seconds and involves me writing "hey ugly" on my best friend's wall).

Why do we choose to group teenagers all together in massive hoards anyways? Like, one 14 year old boy is not that bad... sometimes they can actually be kind of nice. But for some reason, if you put 5 of them together it's like they try to out-douche each other so hard that it ends up with 3 of them tackling each other while the other 2 just stand there and yell about dicks as loud as they can. Don't even get me started about what happens if you add teenage girls into the mix....

Anyways... teenagers suck and there is absolutely no comparable situation to eating in a dining hall surrounded by hundreds of them, not even being in Syria right now, that's how bad it sucks. (Obviously, joking.)

[so-much-why-blog]

WHAT I THINK MY FACEBOOK PROFILE LOOKS LIKE TO ALL OF MY EX BOYFRIENDS

Facebook is a wonderful social tool. It's great for connecting with old friends and new friends and for discovering cool links and funny animal photos with hilarious captions.

But do you know what Facebook is really great at? It's fucking awesome for letting all of your exs know how AMAZING your life is now.

Don't pretend like you don't use Facebook for rubbing everything awesome about your life into other people's faces... especially when those faces belong to douchebags you've dated in the past.

Oh do I live in an awesome new city? Did I lose 10 lbs? Did I get an awesome new boyfriend that's better looking than you? How did you know? Oh right I posted all about it on my Facebook. Oops.

Some people choose to delete their ex's off of their Facebook. Me? I'm like show that mofo how much better your life is without him.

"The best revenge is a life well-lived."

[so-much-why-blog]

WHEN A STRANGER COMES UP TO ME AND TOUCHES MY HAIR

OUTSIDE I'M LIKE:

BUT INSIDE I'M LIKE....

So I have long red hair... and apparently red hair is to weirdos what Caesars (Bloody Marys for my American friends) are to hungover people. Seriously, my hair attracts the weirdest people who apparently have no personal boundaries. You have no idea how many times I've been walking down the street, minding my own business... and someone stops me to tell me how pretty my hair is. Now this always starts out as a nice encounter, I mean who doesn't like being told that a part of them is pretty.

But then... this stranger, who I have never met before and who I have no idea about their personal hygiene, decides that my "thank you" is an open invitation to run their fingers through my hair. Touching my hair WITH THEIR HANDS.

Like, I don't know where your hands have been. I don't know if you've just seasoned a bunch of raw chicken. Don't touch my hair. I don't come up to you and go:"Hey look at your face, it's so interesting looking. Let me just see if it's interesting feeling as well. Let me just rub my hands all over your face.... because didn't you know? I gave you a compliment and that means I have a VIP pass into your personal bubble."

So much why.

[so-much-why-blog]

WHEN I SEE AN OUTFIT ON PINTEREST THAT ISN'T FOR SALE ANYWHERE

Do you know how hard it is to have to look at the cutest outfits all day... and know that none of them will ever be mine? Screw Oncologists... I definitely have the hardest job in the world.

It's like these 110 pound models just upload photos of their stylish outfits to rub it in the faces of all us regular un-stylish folks. I never feel as inadequate at dressing myself as I do when I'm on pinterest. So then I try and solve the problem of my unfashionability by clicking on these outfits to see where to buy that shiz. And guess what? It just links to some girl's fashion blog where she rubs even more of her unattainable cool-ness in my face.

Pinterest is like the online reincarnation of that girl who tells you she got her cute pair of shoes "from some small hole-in-the-wall boutique in Montreal" It's like... OK I REALIZE I WILL NEVER DRESS AS COOL AS YOU, SORRY FOR ASKING.

Pinterest is like that hot guy that you're in love with, who's only into Asians (or if you're Asian, only into dudes... Unattainable, is what I'm trying to say.)

Pinterest: Look at all these sweet clothes that exist, that you will never own.

Why Pinterest Why?

[so-much-why-blog]

WHEN I PUT MY IPOD ON SHUFFLE WHILE WORKING OUT

WHEN IT DECIDES TO PLAY 5 AWESOME, PUMPING UP, MOTIVATING SONGS IN A ROW...

Yes, I for sure have enough of an emotional attachment to my iPod that I consider it my best friend sometimes.... Sometimes when I work out, I feel like my iPod is like: "Yeahhhh girl! You run on that treadmill! You run on that treadmill hard! Let me help you out. Let me play you some sick remixes, some dubstep and maybe some old school Eminem to get you really pumped up. Let's kill this work out together!" And then....

WHEN IT STARTS PLAYING SAD, BREAK UP MUSIC RIGHT WHILE I'M SPRINTING....

It's like.... I'm feeling so good, so motivated, like I could run at 8.0 on the treadmill for another 20 minutes if I had to.... and then it starts playing OneRepublic or Bon Iver or the worst of all... and this happens ALL THE TIME... It starts playing "Walk Away" by Ben Harper....

Like.. Good thing I'm on a treadmill right now, iPod, cause otherwise I'd be running straight off a cliff or something.

Way to ruin my work out, iPod.... FRIENDS OFF.

[so-much-why-blog]

HOW I EAT IN FRONT OF SOMEONE I JUST STARTED DATING VS. 1 MONTH LATER

(My boyfriend wanted me to do a post about him so this for you, Kenny)

MY FIRST TIME EATING IN FRONT OF MY BOYFRIEND:

HOW I STARTED EATING IN FRONT OF MY BOYFRIEND ABOUT A MONTH LATER.......

All girls do this. WHY do we do this? You go on a date with a guy, and for some reason you decide to pretend like a 1/4 of a salad and a glass of water makes you totally full. As if somehow this is going to make you seem skinnier than you actually are? Eating barely anything in front of a guy doesn't make you look skinnier... it probably makes him wonder how you're still alive and functioning considering you apparently only eat 300 calories a day. Or it makes him wonder why you don't look like a Victoria's Secret Model considering you're eating like one (unless you actually do look like one, in which case... fuck you... why are you reading my blog? Aren't you supposed to be at some crazy party that I could never get into, getting hit on by Colin Ferrel* or something?).

Also... it makes it a lot more awkward when, a month later, you start eating normally in front of him and he's like... wait... when did I start dating Shrek? I don't know how many times my boyfriend has looked at me and been like "Are you really eating all of that?" or "Really? You're hungry again?". I like to think that he's confused because in the beginning I successfully tricked him into thinking that I didn't eat anything and was never hungry ever.... but it's probably actually just because I eat an inordinate amount of food.

*Almost wrote Colin Firth there... WHAT A DIFFERENCE THAT WOULD HAVE MADE.

[so-much-why-blog]

WHEN I GET A COMPLETELY UNREADABLE CAPTCHA

Can we talk about these Captcha's that Stumbleupon gave me today. Scout's Honor, I got these 3 Captcha's in a row.

Good thing I have 20/20 Vision because I can totally make out what those letters are...  Is this some type of empathy exercise for people who can make out the bottom row of letters on an eye exam chart? I can just imagine the guy who created this Captcha rubbing his hands together in his dark office somewhere in New Mexico: NOW THEY'LL KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO NEED A +4.00 PRESCRIPTION. (I just googled "high glasses prescription" and that's what came up so hey if that's totally off... I honestly don't really care.) I wonder if someone wearing glasses sees that and freaks out that they're wearing the wrong prescription. 

Are those P's? Or L's and C's mashed together? I give up.... Maybe the point of Captchas on StumbleUpon is that you really have to be committed to liking a page enough to be able to stumble it.Too bad I'm not that committed to anything... Sorry boyfriend. (Kidding Kenny... he's gonna yell at me for that one.)

And the winner is....

Oh... Excuse me while I go grab my Persian keyboard.

I mean, really? Come on.... Fuck it. I give up.

[so-much-why-blog]

WHEN I REALIZE I'M TURNING 23 SOON....

What I thought my life would be like by the time I was 23:

What It's Actually Like:

I can't believe I'm turning 23 in less than a month. Do you know what my 10 year old self imagined that I would have by the time I was 23?:

          -An Olympic Gold Medal

          -An Oscar

          -A Porsche

          -A House

Apparently 10 year old me was much more ambitious than my teenager-self... or my early-twenties self for that matter.That's cause 10 year old me hadn't discovered boys, boos, clothes, TV... and probably also cause the internet wasn't as popular back then.

Why do kids always think that they're going to be the most successful, amazing, talented, rich people ever when they grow up? Someone needs to give them a reality check. YOU WILL PROBABLY BE BROKE UNTIL YOU ARE 30. And if you live in Vancouver, you will never own a piece of land unless you win the Lottomax, in which case, you may purchase a duplex in East Vancouver.

Do you know what I'm hoping for when I turn 23?

A job.

Way to make me look like a failure, 10 year old me. You were always such a brat.

[so-much-why-blog]

WHEN I SEE THE RESCUE ANIMAL ADOPTION PUPPIES ON THE STREET AND I CAN'T ADOPT ONE

I can't even handle seeing those poor puppy dogs in cages, needing a home. It breaks my heart a bazillion times over. And just thinking about all the other poor dogs out there that need to be taken care of... stresses me out so hard that I can't even begin to think about it, or my heart might explode of sadness. How can people abandon a dog? A dog is the best, most loyal, loving, adorable thing in the entire universe. Have you ever looked a dog in the eyes? It's like they read your soul and tell you that they love you even though you ate a whole tub of animal crackers earlier. You haven't done your laundry in 2 weeks? They don't care, it's just more of you to smell. Dogs are the best. I miss mine like crazy.... could you tell?

Anyways, check out this post of amazing photos of animals (LOTS OF DOGGIES) being rescued by some awesome firemen/rescue workers.

http://www.thekindlife.com/post/photo-gallery-beautiful-photos-animals-being-rescued

[so-much-why-blog]

WHEN I'M HAVING A GOOD DAY AND THEN "SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW" STARTS PLAYING

Okay... I get that it's a good song... even a great song. But why does it have to be playing everywhere, all the time? Like, there are people going through break ups right now, trying to get on with their lives, finally feeling good about themselves, deciding to go and buy a pretty new dress to wear out tonight, thinking to themselves "Damn, who needs that jerk anyways? I'm so over that waste of a relationship." And then they walk into the mall and what's blasting on the speakers? "BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO CUT ME OFF, MAKE IT OUT LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED AND THAT WE WERE NOTHING...."

Or you're driving in your car, favorite radio station's blasting "Call Me Maybe" (props to my fellow Canadian Carly Rae btdubs), thinking about that cute guy that you're in to, singing along, on top of the world right now.... and then 9 times out of 10, what's the next song that comes on? Not a feel good song like Nicki Minaj's "Starships"... Oh noo.... "NOW AND THEN I THINK OF WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER"....

I can't even count the number of times I have had to book it out of a store like I just stole 4 pairs of underwear, or torked the volume dial on my car stereo to the left because of this damn song.

Let people get on with their lives! Ban Somebody "That I Used To Know" from public places. Hey, if you wanna cry and feel sorry for yourself and listen to this song 42 times in a row, on your own, go for it. I'm not gonna judge. I've been there. OH HAVE I BEEN THERE. But come on... Why do we need to play this song in every public place, every 10 minutes? SO MUCH WHY.

[so-much-why-blog]

HOW I FEEL WHEN I'M WEARING MY NEW STEVE MADDEN BOOTS

Look at me! Look at me!!! Look at meeee! I LOVE MY BOOTS SO MUCH. I don't even know. The Steve Madden on 3rd street is the best thing that has ever happened to me... but also the worst. Actually it's tied for best/worst with Brandy Melville which is just... wow... my friends have to drag me out of that store... I walk past it and it's like an alcoholic walking past a bar, actually it's worse because I leave with a bigger bar tab, if you know what I mean. (Hopefully you're not reading this mom). So what's my WHY for this post? I don't really have one. I guess, WHY are my boots so beautiful... or WHY can't Brandy Melville be my closet? Just the regular WHYs of a girl living in LA.

My Boots (sorry for the bad quality photo... you should see how bad ass they look when I'm struttin around).