snickerdoodlecocoa

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 36

something i wrote recently:

what a pitiful creature i must be to delight at this treatment expectant of nothing yet treasuring the worst for it is something at least it is something

it is for you, of course. when it is not?

there is more to this story, there always is. there are years of love and pain and caring with every molocule that makes up this tangible vessel. and somehow, despite all that i gave, i have never asked for anything back except a friend.

but here i am now. today. asking for reciprocation. the coffers must be refilled lest they collapse, lest i find myself lacking enough for myself. i do not know how to not be your friend. when a day goes by without thinking of you, i do not know how to feel. should i be glad i can exist without you? should i wail at the thought of distance?

i find myself proclaiming silent declarations in hebrew, all in your name. the language i call home despite my lack of fluency, but is safe because you do not understand it. i say i love you with all that i am, you are my beloved, i am not her but i am here, please see that i am here and forever will be.

.אני אוהבת אותך בכל ליבי מעד עולם. בבקשה תראה אותי כמו מי שאני

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 35

i watched good will hunting and it was amazing as i expected but i just keep thinking about the "it's not your fault" line. and i'm not in the same situation as will, leagues far from it, but i just keep coming back to it. it's not my fault. it's not my fault that my best friend in fifth grade suddenly stopped talking to me for a couple weeks, leaving me alone on the playground without a friend to turn to. it's not my fault that that very same friend turned on me in sixth grade when i made a friend and changed out my shoes for converse. it's not my fault that my teachers didn't understand that i didn't ask for help not because i didn't want to, but because i was too scared to raise my hand. it's not my fault that i poured my heart into loving people in college that have yet to love me back. it's not my fault that i'm wired to care wholely and completely without second thought even though they'll forget me as without a second thought.

and there are a thousand other things that i want to put on this list that aren't my fault but how can i put on the list that it isn't my fault that my freshman year friends forgot about me when they realized i wasn't someone who liked going out when my mom said that i chose to not make other friends? how can i put on my list that it isn't my fault that i'm not a bridesmaid for a high school friend when we both gave up on phone tag, not just me? how can i put on my list that i don't feel like i have many friends when i haven't put in the effort to make them after college but that's only because i hate going to things alone and don't want to be annoying?

i just don't get why everything is only my fault. i've had shitty friends and people in my life that decided, whether consiously or unconsiously, i'm not worth the effort anymore. i'm not the best at staying in touch, but neither are they.

i can't keep on writing this, so here's the tl;dr: i want to be loved the same way i love others. i want to feel as vauled as i do my best to make them feel. i want to feel important for not just the love i have to offer, but for who i am, as me.

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 34

i have really exciting news to share but i haven’t texted him yet. i can’t. it’s been almost a month since we last spoke and how am i supposed to start a conversation with “guess what, i got a job offer!! i’m gonna be a librarian!!”

i can hear my mom saying “well it’s also on you to reach out and not let things fade away” but when i’ve been the one starting things for the past few months, it sure feels weird. and fuck it, it’s not just on me. i can’t be the only one putting in work.

i think all this goes to say that i want us to talk and be normal but i need to know that you want this friendship too. you’ve got me thinking you don’t want me as a friend and maybe it’s easier to just ghost me but please tell me so i can stop living in this purgatory.

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 33

it's how i see you in the way i throw a towel over my shoulder when i'm doing the dishes but wear an apron when baking. how i listen to mac and joji and quinn because you liked their music. how you're the person i want to send my baking adventures to. you are, even if you wish you weren't, a part of my life.

and maybe i'm not that to you. maybe i'm not anything at all to you, but that doesn't mean i am supposed to revert back to who i was five years ago. you helped her and you gave her purpose. for the first time, i felt important to someone. i felt wanted.

as i'm sure you're familiar, when you grow up with little to no romantic attention, every relationship you form is bigger. it holds more signifigance because it is a choice. that person chose you out of everyone. you are no longer part of the masses, you are recognized. it's fucking euphoric.

for all the things i've written, i always need to clarify that the way i care and think about you has always been platonic. consider this a life-long banishment to the friendzone because there are fundamental differences in how we want to live our lives that simply aren't compatible and you know what-- i like that. there was never even a minute possibility that i would catch feelings. and maybe that's cruel to say but unless your answer to "would you go through a modern orthodox conversion and keep a fully kosher kitchen?" changes to yes, it's a comfortable space to inhabit.

do you get how weird it is to want to text someone you've felt comfortable texting for years only to think "well, i texted him three days ago, i don't want to be annoying". i feel like i have to be so selective in how i communicate with you that i barely reach out at all. it's like standing on the edge of a crumbling cliff, not knowing if your anchor points are secure enough and just shifting your weight onto the other foot could send you tumbling to the next life.

at the end of the day, i can't tell if i'm just imagining it. maybe you haven't thought anything of it (which would be bad, because that would mean you've thought "i haven't heard from her in a while, but i don't care enough to reach out") but maybe you have and you're also stuck. maybe you're distancing yourself because you're dating someone and don't want to cross any lines.

to be honest, i really don't care if you have or haven't thought about it. i just want to know if we're still friends. i just want to know if i am still important, cause it sure as hell feels like i have become completely irrelevent and disposable.

i know that i want you in my life. if it has made the last five years better, why can't it make the next ten spectacular?

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 32

i think we’re drifting apart and i don’t know how to make peace with that. i don’t remember the last time you reached out to me first or wanted to see me, and so much of me just misses you all the time. i could deal with a long distance friendship, if it was a friendship that ran in both directions.

maybe you found my tumblr and got scared off and that’s valid, i guess. this blog probably makes it seem like i’m a head over heels in love with you, and i’m not, i promise. i think at some point during my freshman year we were sitting together, and my heart decided that i loved you. and love is such an overused word at this point, it’s doesn’t really even carry much meaning anymore, but for me it’s a promise. i say i love you and i mean that i’m there if you called me at three in the morning because you couldn’t sleep or you just needed someone, i would fuck up my sleep schedule without a second thought. i chose you.

and i think that’s what hurts so much right now, the fact that i chose you and you stopped choosing me a long time ago. i don’t mean like three years ago, but instead enough months ago that i’ve just been sitting with this hurt for so long that it’s what i associate with you. and knowing you, if you saw this or if i had the guts to tell you this in person, you would reassure me and say no no no no no, of course you matter, of course you’re important to me. but that doesn’t change how your behavior towards me has just been nonexistent. and i can’t call it bad behavior, it’s just none. you don’t think of me.

a while ago, my cousin asked what i thought my love language was, and at the time i wasn’t sure. i have never really been loved by someone for long enough that i would know. of course, love languages extend beyond romantic relationships, but i didn’t really know because at the heart of it, i just wanted to feel wanted. And i think that’s still how i feel. i try to make the people that i love feel as though they’re important to me through my actions. i send memes and texts, and i’m not perfect. i can admit that i am not perfect and sometimes forget, but i do the things and you don’t.

i can hear my friends telling me that this isn’t a friendship that provides anything productive or beneficial to me anymore and all i want to do is prove them wrong. i want to be able to say no, he cares, no, i am important to him. i think i’m just coming to terms with how i’m probably never going to be that important to you. and maybe that’s my fault for not recognizing sooner that the two of us were better as college friends and not as post-grad friends. but why am i not allowed to want more from you, why am i not allowed to want you in my life?

i think what all of this goes to say is that if you see this, and you know it’s me, i’d appreciate a meme or a text every once in a while. i can’t do the slow drifting apart, not for you at least. you have my number, a, put it to good use.

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 31

i should probably write this out into a longer form post, but i just wanted this feeling to exist in a space outside of my own head.

i miss you, a. i miss you a lot. i don’t think the love i feel for you will ever be reciprocated and i’m trying to make peace with that, but that doesn’t stop me from missing you from the moment i leave until the moment i return.

hope you have a good 2023- you deserve it and the world.

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 30

i don't feel anything. and the sounds dramatic but i guess what's happening in my own head takes precedence and i don't have the capacity to care. i spend too much time spiraling and thinking about everything to take the five minutes to write a cover letter. i'm spent before i even wake up.

the thing is that everything in my head is situational (for the most part). my mental health falling through the earth's crust coincides with academic and post-grad stress, but this is where the loop kicks in. i'm stressed about all that, my brain takes a vacation from keeping its shit together, and then i can't do anything for academic/post-grad, and then i get even worse. it's vicious and it's been like this as long as i can remember. this is the most awful part of it-- i know what i need to do to help myself and push through, but i mentally cannot. i stare at readings, job applications, everything, incapable of processing anything in front of me.

and i can hear my mom saying that i can always come to her for help and that she's there for me, but she's never shown the understanding that maybe i'm just like this. this isn't something that can be fixed with a pep talk or an article. mom, there's part of me that's broken. i can live with it, i can move with it, but you cannot fix it, no matter how much you say you love me. what am i supposed to tell you, mom? your eldest child doesn't love herself the way you do? that she sometimes wishes to just blip out of existence cause telling you that i'm just tired instead of "hey a seven-year-nap sounds appealing" every single time we talk is exhausting? that she hasn't been okay in years but has fooled everyone into believing she's got it under control? you don't want to hear that, mom. you want me to have my shit together.

i don't think i understand people better than the next unlicensed psychologist. i'm a good listener, that's true, and i will help anyone who comes to me with their problems. i know why i'm like this, i can unpack it in an instant. i play therapist with myself, one part of me reminding the other how we got here. i cannot hide secrets from therapist-me cause they're her secrets too. therapist-me is half of the never-ending spiral. she knows the path out of the spiral but cannot leave without her companion.

there isn't really much else to say. i know it's been a while since i wrote, but really, not much has happened. i don't know when i'll write next, but there's nothing quite like sending my thoughts into the void.

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 29

here's what they don't tell you about college:

if you don't drink and all there is to do at your school is party, you're going to be lonely. when you spend freshman year nervous about drinking so instead you sober mom your friends cause taking care of people is your love language, you're going to eventually get left behind in the dorms when they go out to the frats and bars.

when you're a sophomore who doesn't really drink in college, people expect you to have found a group of friends who also don't drink, surely you've joined clubs and found your people, right?

if you're terrible at making friends because you've spent your whole life with people you've known since kindergarten, you can't just decide to join a club. you need a buddy to go with you, at least in the beginning so you don't feel so alone. but nobody wants to come to the club meetings since who the hell wants to write creatively in their free time, god, you're such a weirdo.

when you're a junior who doesn't really drink in college, people are curious. they want to know why you don't drink and when you explain, they furrow their eyebrows cause they've never heard of such a student. sometimes they ask what you do on the weekends and you just joke that you catch up on work, maybe watch some movies. but you never say hang out with friends. all of your friends are out drinking and spend the week planning for future adventures. junior year is the year when you finally dip your toes in the world of inebriation but not enough to fit in with everyone else.

finally, when you're the senior in college who doesn't really drink, people forget about you. they don't invite you out to drink and they don't invite you to hang out. you're not present in their happy party memories, so why would you be a part of their sober laughs? by senior year, you're isolated. the only friends still at college are members of your future graduation class and maybe you see them socially once a month.

i don't know what happens after college, but it sure will be nice to (hopefully) make friends with people who do things other than drink for fun.

(of course, i do have some friends who don't exclusively drink, but i'm on their periphery, not one of the core members of their friend group. i'll probably write about that later)

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 28

i can still feel you on my skin. the way we held each other throughout the whole night cause neither one of us could sleep but no matter how we shifted, our fingers were laced together. how you wrapped your arms around me and nuzzled into the back of my neck. how you made sure my shoulder was positioned correctly. how you always found a way to pull me closer. and while i may have only slept a couple hours, i've never felt more safe or loved.

and now it's 14 hours later and i don't want to sleep. i don't want to get into bed and toss and turn and wonder why my twin xl bed feels too empty. i don't want to face a sleepless night alone.

for the first time in four months, someone held me. it's impossible to go back to a time before my body knew that sensation. i can't pretend it never happened and that all i want is for someone to treasure me. and yet, you graduate in a couple months. i'm so happy for you-- you get to live and get out of this college town and be someone brand new.

i won't lie to you though. i'm really fucking sad you're leaving. i can't imagine what college would have been like without you. i don't think i would have liked the person i would have become if i hadn't met you. okay, yeah, part of the sadness is not getting to cuddle with you- but i'd give that up if i just got to keep on hanging out and simply seeing you.

the sadness is also fueled by the uncertainty: what happens to our friendship once you graduate? when you have a job and responsibilities and i've still got a semester of senior year? when i can't just come by your place and hang out? i'm not great at keeping up with people, i know. i send memes and tiktoks and weird thoughts on snapchat cause it feels less annoying. there's less commitment to an actual conversation when whatever i send can be replied to with a "LMAO".

posting this feels like a huge risk. i don't know if you've found this page yet and i'm split 50/50 on if i ever want you to. whichever way the coin falls (which i guess is a new phrase i'm *coining*), i can't keep it bottled up. i need words to sort myself out and i need someone to see those words. time to go face a sleepless night. love you.

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 27

i think i've written about this in the past, but i can't tell what's real and what's constructed. not in a schiznophrenic sort of way, but in a "am i rewriting the past to fit my own narrative" sort of way.

to elaborate and rephrase the question: am i genuinely mentally ill or am i lazy and creating a narrative where having depression, anxiety, or ADHD justifies my behavior?

for instance: am i really unable to focus on writing my essay or am i just an unappreciative, lazy college student who's procrastinating writing because it's easier than reading a damn paragraph? or am i really depressed or do i just feel like crap in this moment and laying on the floor is easier than pushing through? or my favorite one, which started this whole line of thinking: do i have social anxiety or do i just not want to put in the work of finding a summer job?

at the beginning of the summer, my mom was pushing me to go to therapy for social anxiety-- something i'm not even sure if i have. i kept on dancing around the question and reaching out to a therapist because i didn't even know if it was a real problem for me. i've always hated phone calls and meeting new people and especially public speaking-- but i've never had an anxiety attack over it. i got through, each and every time.

and i know what you're thinking: even if the therapist isn't for social anxiety, an outside and objective opinion would still help figure out what the hell is wrong with me (cause i can tell you that much-- not everything is a-okay). but i can't bring myself to commit to that. a problem for another time, even when this is definitely not a problem to push off.

this feel incomplete, but i honestly don't have the mental energy to finish it right now. another problem for another tie, i guess.

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 26

i don't know what i want to write, only that if i don't put words on the screen that i might lose my mind (though let's be honest, i lost my mind long ago).

okay, i admit there are two things sending too many signals through my synapses. thing one is a. you know, the "a" i talk about way too often. i've never said this out loud, but like so few other people in my life, i'm platonically in love with the guy. i care so much about him, love him with everything i have. and what hurts the most about this love is while it's so intense and real for me, every waking day, i'm reminded that it's one-sided. i know i'm not his person. i'm not the person he texts at 3am or randomly facetimes cause he misses them. there are so few people that i feel this love for and it sucks that one of them doesn't even know. i try to be wholesome and uplift him and be there for him when he asks, but how am i supposed to feel comfortable being the first to randomly facetime when i know he wouldn't ever? yes, all of this is assumption, but so far there isn't any evidence to disprove the theory. as much as i am not a STEM person, i fall on the side of logic. logic says no, so it's a no. i don't know what the future holds for our friendship. what happens after college? part of how i feel valued and loved and important [to people] is through communication, in whichever form it takes. that means weird shit you find funny online, random thoughts you have in the middle of the day. just remind me that i'm still part of your life. that you'd feel it if i suddenly disappeared.

okay, thing two: the acapella guy who i caught feelings for fall before last? he replied to my instagram story about antisemitism. doesn't seem like a big deal until i bring this point to the table: he hasn't attempted to communicate with me since the last time i saw him in person. no happy birthday wishes, no consistent interaction with my social media posts. i haven't opened the message yet and i don't know what to say when i do. part of me is angry with him- when he broke my heart (and yeah, it wasn't a long relationship breakup, or anything massive, but my feelings are big. deal with it.) whatever darkness and fucked-up-ness within me made its grand entrance. everything i had ever felt was now ten-fold. maybe it would have come out without him, but right now, he's the catalyst. i can't remember most of the in-person spring 2020 semester because that loss overshadowed whatever joy i found. being sent home was the worst curse and best blessing. one one side, the anxiety of running into him and sprialling for the rest of the day was gone. on the other side, if we ever had a chance of being friends, it now had no chance to take shape. i look back now, laugh at home entranced i was by this bengali boy with a bass voice. the attention was like a drug. now, i desperately want that attention, but not from him.

i guess what i'm trying to say in this post is that i've been thinking a lot. i don't think i like it. i'm open to a second opinion, if you've got one to share.

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 25

i care so goddamn much. there's never numbness, only a constant drowining in how much everything matters. i know the numbness isn't great either, but sometimes i crave a moment of that. when i could just let go and not worry and stress and think. the void is terrifying but i just want to dip my toes in.

i should probably amend my statement though- it's not everything i care about- it's the people that i care about. the people who could just drop me if they felt like it and leave me without a lifeboat. those are the ones i care so much about. but it's not like i could tell them that. too much and they'll suffocate so i keep my distance.

that might be the worst part- i want them to be in my life forever but i don't know where the line between "i'd walk through a blizzard for you" and "i know i'm not your number one priority" is. i've found it for the time being, but what happens after college? when we're both adults, fully in the real world? when work and career takes precedence and the friends that didn't matter as much drift away?

he called me a "continuity in my[his] life" and i almost cried cause it felt like a promise. finally, saying back the promise i made two years ago. i don't know what i'm going to do with myself when we don't live near each other. i don't know how to exist without him on the other side of my phone or sitting next to me on the couch. i care too much, see? of course, part of it means i'm just human, plain and simple. why does that have to be a bad thing?

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 24

last time, i wrote about euphoria. now, let me introduce you to oxytocin, aka, the love drug. oxytocin is the hormone that gets released during physical affections, both romantic and platonic. i don't actually understand the science behind it, but lemme tell you, the high is fantastic.

i platonically cuddled with a friend for about four hours. four hours of feeling safe and loved, four hours of home. and i really do hope that i was able to return the feeling (and hey, a, if you are reading this, and i didn't, let me know how cause you deserve it). i didn't ask for it, i didn't expect it, but it was perfect. damnnit, a, you're setting the bar way too high.

we shifted through a bunch of side-by-side cuddling positions, but by the end, he had his arms wrapped all the way around my waist. i could have fallen asleep. i know i already said that i felt safe, but nothing really compares to feeling protected in the arms of one of the people you love most.

(okay this is an edit from before i go to bed but. i have to write it. we were watching some hella funny movies, right? and whenever we were laughing and it was particularly funny, he’d squeeze my middle tight and oh lord it was like a hug within a hug. now that’s euphoria if i ever experienced it.)

it's odd, the headache that's setting in now. i don't know if it's from the lack of sleep or the low that always follows the highs. that's always the worst part- i go from a state of bliss to utterly alone in my room. and no, a, that's not your fault. i just have issues with believing that i'll be alone forever and that the people that i'm friends with don't actually care about me. i objectively know that's untrue but you of all people know that just cause we know it doesn't mean it's any less real.

okay so the headache is really setting in so i'm gonna go sleep. do i have an annotated bibliography that i have to write tomorrow? yep. should i have done it today? also yep. would i have sacrificed tonight in order to get it done? not in a million years. (and again, a, since i know you don't hear this enough- i love you, and i really do mean it.)

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 23

let me tell you about euphoria. and yes, most of you think of the HBO show with our queen, Zendaya, but i'm talking about the actual feeling.

euphoria for me is when i feel everything good, all at once. it's a constant swell, never fall, of happiness. it's knowing that you're home, that you're surrounded by people who love you. and for all of the love that you feel from them, you return in full (with a little more). euphoria is knowing that if all life was obliterated in that very moment, that you were happy when it ended.

euphoria is when you don't need to code-switch, to become someone else. you are entirely yourself, no worries about if people won't like you- cause you already know that they love you. there are no walls because there is nothing that needs to be hidden.

there are few places that i feel true euphoria. when i'm baking, when i'm with my high school friends, and when i'm with my boys. they already saw my awkward years, they really know me. i sometimes do have to tread carefully in making sure i don't create a love that i know won't be returned in full, but they return enough. enough that i can keep on coming back, addicted to the high, addicted to the love.

so now the question is- when did an addiction to love become a bad thing?

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 22

here's the question that keeps on coming to me- how can your needs be met if you don't communicate them? (okay, that was inspired from @werenotreallystrangers but i don't have the energy to look up the exact quote at the moment)

i went into a hanging-out-with-the-guys night with a small expectation to be cuddled. i allowed for the knees and shoulders to touch, made myself available for holding. and what do i get? nothing. god, i just want to be held. just look at me and open your arms.

so why can't i ask for the touch? cause then i'm needy, i'm posing a question that might get shot down, i'm putting the weight on someone else (pun unintended). so yeah, i can't ask. i don't ask so i suffer in my own skin. and see, i was doing okay with this until i saw that the cookies that i brought were virtually untouched. i knew they weren't fresh and perfect, but they were still good and homemade. and you know what? i'm glad that when i asked my friend to confirm that they weren't great that he was honest. i'd rather an honest friend than a lying one.

but bringing the cookies is what killed me. cause i could handle not being touched but seeing my work (which i already knew was shit) getting disregarded somehow made it worse. it's this retroactive anxiety that part of me wants to call justified (cause i knew there was a possibility that they weren't going to be great) and part of me wants to call irrational (cause i really had best interests at heart, how was i supposed to know they were shit?). either way, i won't be sleeping peacefully tonight, as every moment will be replaying over and over and over again.

and what makes it worse is that i still can't cry. okay sure, maybe it would be over nothing, a little insignificant thing that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of the universe. but i need the emotional release. i need to cry on the floor to sad music and write afterward. but i can't let myself do that cause if i do, then i'm legitimizing my irrational feelings and nobody wins.

now it's time to go to bed and not sleep...yay.

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 21

when it comes to me, i don't know what's real and what isn't. i don't know what i've constructed and what is just a chemical reaction and what chemical inbalances i've created because i've got my own issues and what's a consequence of external situations. let me clarify-

i never thought that i might have anxiety, depression, literally anything until i got to college and met people who were open with their diagnoses and struggles. then i started reading fanfiction and stuff began to resonate with me- but god, i don't know what's me and what isn't. i've always liked the comfort of labels and certainty and that's part of what kills me here- everything feels like it's a part-time-occurance. sometimes i have no motivation, sometimes i'm crazy excited. i fluctuate from day to day, so labels can't help.

what am i supposed to do when i have no motivation- i have no big dreams, no dream life- my goal is to be financially stable and not live at home. happiness would be a nice bonus. everytime i'm looking for summer jobs and opportunities, my mom asks me what i want to do, and i don't know. i never do. i think i'd like to work in a museum, but i just don't know. i don't know what happiness looks like for me. and since i have no big plans, nothing to be excited about, i have no motivation now. i feel like whatever i'm doing is to keep my parents off my back and so my resume looks good. it's not for me- how can anything be for the girl with no dreams?

see, i can't even find the motivation to write this out in its entirety- there's definitely more to write, but this is all i can do at the moment.

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 20

what do you do when you dream about the past? the past that you tucked into a box and happily placed on a shelf? the past you've made your peace with, the past that is truly in the past?

if you're me, you wake up and stare at the ceiling, reviewing as much of the dream as possible. every detail, every smile, every single little thing. because for however long that dream lasted, i was happy. i think i ought to tell you what the dream was about at this point.

for context, i dated a guy for about 8 months between freshman and sophomore year of high school. this kid had been crushing on me since we were younger and in 9th grade, i finally returned his feelings. i always cared about him as a friend but one day it became more than that- and i was okay and a little thrilled about it. we never got to have an anniversary (though i don't even know when it would be). dates were, lovely, but awkward. we were 14 years old, dropped off by a parent (public transportation wasn't an option), and mostly communicated over text. as much as we liked each other, we didn't know how to actually be with each other. i can probably count on my fingers how many dates we actually went on. eventually, by the summer, things were slowing down, drifting apart, and in october, i got dumped over text. imagine one of those "i'm just not feeling it anymore, but let's still be friends!" sort of messages which actually just means we'll never talk or see each other again.

i don't think i could say that i was heartbroken. i missed having someone who cared about me, but it didn't ultimately change the way i lived life. we went to different schools and he always texted me as soon as he was out (30 minutes before my school day ended).

every once in a while, my mom (who is still great friends will his mom) says that i should reach out to him, that we should become friends again. she thinks we're each other's beshert- soulmates, meant to be. and i'll be honest, if he showed up at my door and said that i'd never have to worry about finding love, there's a 30% chance i'd say yes. but i can't be the first one the reach out, not without reason. i've been thinking of reaching out on his birthday, just for maturity's sake.

so, the tl;dr is this: dated a guy in early high school, broke up, mom still wants me to get back together with him. now, onto the dream.

i don't remember how it started, but i know that i was home and all of a sudden, he showed up. what he actually looked like was a little blurry, but that's probably cause i haven't seen a recent picture of him in a while. we were vibing on the mudroom bench when he stood up and told me the following: "when we were together, i didn't just like you- i loved you." and i'm pretty sure i kissed him after that. i then told him about the acapella guy i hooked up with during sophomore year of college cause honesty, ya know? after that, i don't really remember much. but seriously, what the hell with the "i loved you" bit? if our dreams only show us stuff that we've already seen, where did that come from? we never got to the "i love you" stage.

i have a theory, that if we had gone to the same high school, we would have been high school sweethearts that would eventually get married. the two of us worked really well together, until we didn't. i think what terrifies me the most about reaching back out is all of it. regressing to the past, to sending "hey ❤️❤️❤️" every day at 5pm. but i think what scares me the most is that i know something about how i love now that i didn't know then.

i feel loved when i have someone's attention. when someone thinks of me, texts constantly, that sort of thing. it's not a healthy way to feel love, cause everyone's love language is different, but it's what killed me last time. i don't know what my love language is- it sometimes feels like all of them, and sometimes feels like only one. the one i dreamt about made me feel loved, every single day. i haven't felt that in years.

i've been writing for 30 minutes now, and it doesn't feel any better than it did when i started. maybe i'll dream of him again, maybe i'll never see him again. whichever it is, i'll find peace with it.