sindoom

[sindoom]

in lieu of october

head in

i miss you like a quarter tone bend on the strings of my guitar

i drown in its murky sound

i miss you like the taste of metal, the blood on your teeth

how many times can i write the word 'you' before i forget who i was speaking of in the first place?

october air tends to bite at my innards, like i'm taking my first breath. i exhale it as if it were my last.

i wish to dig up my old habits from their shallow coffinbirth grave, and kiss them with the tenderness a mother would gift Her child.

i am so alive, yet i have never been so deeply departed.

rot is what i live in, decay is what i aim for.

yet i hurt on such a grand scale, at the idea that i will forever be unsteady and fluctuant on my own two feet.

everyday feels like a fresh start in the same old vessel. reaching for something new and exciting, despite the glowing sign on my face that reads failure to thrive.

how would one start, if all they search for is the end?

- m.l. bludclots (oct 2022)

[sindoom]

cover up them white walls

one of the best feelings in the world is starting over. the epitome of the "spreading your wings" cliche. go anywhere, love anyone, drink what you'd like. nothing watching over you or pulling the strings.

one of the worst feelings in the world is starting over. the novelty of it has a shelf-life. fucking whoever, turns into "why dont you love me?". and living by yourself means too much time alone, you get lonlier by the hour. opposing schedules and a beer gut around the corner.

the sun comes out to burn your face, the moon comes out and just never leaves

- m. l. bludclotz

[sindoom]

no way but down

it always ends with the end. my beautiful beginnings are just the end, the bow i play on the meat of my arms are the end too. you will see it's the end; it's not worth it, i'm not worth it. you will see. the first day of the rest of my life, just happens to be the end too. i'm churning on the inside, with hot sick. i'll sputter it in your general direction, and you'll no longer give the grace and patience you once granted me. i always know its the end, the throbbing in my temples. i always know. but i am so frightened for the day that you realize it too.

- ML

[sindoom]

medical leave

he'll realize how much quieter it is, when you aren't around. he'll love it. you'll become him, he'll become you. a cycle unbroken until the flush of formaldehyde takes its grip.

attatched at the hip like an addiction, i can stop whenever i want to. when its time to let go though, theres no way. a fire in your head, metal in your heart, the ground is above you and there's bile on your shoes.

to remember the first violation, is it set fire at the last.

ML

[sindoom]

like a spider

it is in my chemistry to say 'i love you more', and it is a burden to always mean it; to know that i've never been wrong. too much of a good thing is a poison. love will give you ulcers.

- m

[sindoom]

taste of my own medicine huh

[sindoom]

delta

distance makes the heart grow fonder, they tell me. i believe them. i believe them in the way i use your shirts as my pillowcase and cry when i can no longer smell you on me. i have been so patient, i will be patient for the next four years until the day comes where i can keep you. and we'll only part ways to start our life together. i don't want to forget how you smell anymore. i don't want to wake up cold, wishing i could remember how soft i felt melting into you. the first day you came home to me, i whined in your arms at the notion that time flies when you're having fun. the thought of you leaving made me shudder. i blinked a few hundred times and then you were gone again.

- m.l. blud (2.9.24)

[sindoom]

same same

you will come to realize that everything is this complicated. bile in your mouth, black and white, picking and choosing, making the wrong choice.

it was a trick question.

you will start to scream at me, i will not blame you. my skin will turn yellow and blue, it will be my fault. you will run far far away, i wouldn't question it.

you will come to realize im not the one you love, it will be a listening ear that fills you warm and kind. the vomit will become too much, the blood and ice will make you flinch, i will make you live to regret, because this is the end of every road ive ever met.

- m.l.

[sindoom]

[sindoom]

xb

have i not been through enough. have i not seen and felt it all.

i have found true love for the rest of my life but all it requires is patience. and boy am i trying. but have i not seen enough? evil and rust that manifests itself in my own bedroom. skin broken from the assaults. flesh and mind bled from the raping.

ive found something beautiful. in the grace of fifteen hundred miles and a cold bed.

haven't i suffered enough? must i wait in the burning solace of a bimonthly visit and a sick stomach? forever and ever, until the next life i vowed. i will wait until my teeth rot.

but my mind beckons, haven't i seen enough? must i wait for something which carries such euphoria? years on end will i wait to feel a warm heart in the form of skin on skin contact.

was my pain not enough to grant something as beautiful as you are? i will wait. i will weep. i will beg. forever we will spend. in the eye of a cold mattress for the lot of the year.

until you can live somewhere safe inside of me.

somewhere close and warm.

somewhere in which i am.

- m.l (11.1.23)

[sindoom]

so glad to hear from you, and so glad you're doing well. so glad you have someone new to use. someone elses bank account to wear down. someone else to kiss and smile about. someone else to bite hard on thin skin. someone else to bruise. and i hope that they are petite, smaller than me. i hope that she's a woman so you wont have to hide her. i hope that she's beautiful so you could never be ashamed to show her off. i hope she has a license so theres no need to compromise. i hope that you text her back as soon as you see the notification. i hope you can fuck her while the lights are on, to make sure you can see every piece of her. i hope she doesnt drink as much as i do. i pray she isn't dramatic. i hope she wasnt socialized in a tight fit box . i hope when you pinch her cheeks, it isnt out of obligation. i hope the items i've given you stay warm in your hands. i hope the things ive lent you never find their way back to me. and when you tell her you miss her, i hope you mean it.

[sindoom]

[sindoom]

pride

looking for someone to point a finger at. looking for you to clean my wounds again. scared eyes and bloody hands, i will never make another you.

looking to burn the smell of you out of my nose. looking for more blood and frightened faces. i think i'll point all ten of my fingers.

an innocent bystander yet the most flammable fuel on my fire. the only one i think of when things get this bad.

crying on your kitchen counter and staining your leather seats with the mess i always seem to make, you always come back even though maybe i should have died before i pressed dial.

it was the first time you realized how bad i had it. and after all these years you can look me in the face and tell me you love me.

the root of all evil lies right in my mirror

you should point a finger in my direction.

-m.l. bludclots 9.23

[sindoom]

is it so obvious?

you can take it out on me.

your edges are so sickly sweet, at the curb of heartbreak i'd lick the honey clean off of a fresh wound.

i will tend at my lowest.

i will please when my breaths are ragged. i would love you like a bruise if you'd kiss me like like a nose bleed.

teeth stained red and insides shred. i would never admit i'm far too soft for something so casual.

but i would break my heart for years to come if you would keep me like a jester of a lover.

leave if you must, whenever you will.

i'd wait on hand and feet to relieve.

even when you go.

mlb (8.2023)

[sindoom]

pied piper

i forgot how much this was gonna suck. i feel super pathetic and lonlier than ever, its a huge bummer.

staring at old conversations and images snuck.

relationships have never been easy for me but i was a corpse for the majority of my last, so i forgot how unstable i can truly be. i crave attention, i crave warm words and sickly sweet fibs.

how sad, really

i should write a poem about what my life is like now or what it was like to be set free or the ten thousand other emotions ive fet within the last few months.

its just all so sickening.

mlb (8.2023)

[sindoom]

let you down

i had a dream last night that your face was young and fragile, it had that old look to it... that you hated me more than anything yet wanted nothing else. i was in danger, you stood in the background and watched while everyone else scurried to save me. you cried and i just dont know why.

-m.l. bludclots (3.2023)

[sindoom]

far from santa monica

i have become all that i hate. what is love without like? what is dishing it when you cant heed it? a fucking nightmare, thats what that is. a shell of a well oiled machine, pieces and parts clanking on the ground. a sound so grating you pluck your eyes from their fixed position and tuck your ears in deep to the drum. a fucking nightmare. would it make a difference? to do it all again?