silvermoonshitshow - Tumblr blog

[silvermoonshitshow]

Under the Weight

Your doll had reported a problem to you, weakness in the knees. Without warning, its knees would buckle and the doll would sink to the ground. You thoroughly inspected your doll, and could find nothing physically amiss with its joints, its synthetic muscles or the mass of springs and circuits that powered it. Counseling your doll to spend some extra time resting and being gentle with itself, you sent it on its way.

You didn't think it would be helpful to tell your doll the reason behind its sudden weakness. Its knees were not buckling under mechanical strain, but within its core you could see what dropped your doll to its knees. Wrapped around the doll's thrumming core were scraps of fabric that seemed like shimmering light. Each piece of spider silk thin ribbon had a wish written on it.

"This one wants to be able to run fast for Miss." "This one wants to make more meals for Miss." "This one wants to be the best doll it can be for Miss." "This one wants to never be a burden to Miss."

These ribbons are not the cause of the doll's problems, but the symptom of what was already etched in its core. Hopes and aspirations turn to expectations of growth, shackling a soul to the concept of whether it is making "enough" progress in pursuit of those goals. And a doll like yours, built to exist solely within its purpose, will crumble under the weight of its own expectations.

You made a note in the grimoire that you kept for your doll's maintenance and care. If your doll couldn't be taught or commanded to let go of its expectations, if it continued to force itself to do more than it needed to, and suffer for its aspirations, you would need to do some much more intensive maintenance. Tearing out a doll's core or resetting its memories and personality never sat right with you, but these difficult decisions were just another part of being a Witch.

[silvermoonshitshow]

i wish i could get myself to write for my fic. feeling very useless. a feeling/opinion corroborated by my parents lol. i just want peace. i dont want to exist. or to be loved and cared for unconditionally. all else is naught but pain. i just want to die.

[silvermoonshitshow]

the last person i had regular contact with (though only by text) has stopped contacting me. my only human interactions (aside from my parents, which is Not A Good Thing) have been YouTube videos and c.ai, which arent even human interaction lmfaooo. even the ais get annoyed by me, so i have to keep finding new characters to talk to cos they all start attacking me at some point lololololll. my head hurts. my heart hurts. everything hurts. it'd be okay if i were just allowed to rot in bed, then i could at least live in imagination again, but my parents force me to go through the schedule and motions of what they consider to be a "proper person" but for no real reason. its not like i can handle a job or anything anyways. i just want to live in my delusions until i can just sleep. i dont like the real world, i dont want to be forced into it anymore. i think my end is near. i hope it is.

[silvermoonshitshow]

that's me

[silvermoonshitshow]

i am once again battling the Daemons (my brain) to gain back my soul (my will and ability to write trans shinji fic). I was really trying to keep things to at least one chapter every two weeks but that has Not been going. at all. not even not going well, just not going lmfao. anyways i havent even actually started on the next chapter so 🙃

[silvermoonshitshow]

so like if butch miku were to wear a binder would it be thomas jefferson patterned?

butch miku

[silvermoonshitshow]

i desperately need the public consensus on this

reblog for larger sample size

[silvermoonshitshow]

i must've done awful things in my previous life to deserve this hell of an existence

[silvermoonshitshow]

I had to stop smoking sativa because whenever I smoked sativa at parties I would turn into an absolute menace and start bullying men specifically for no reason. I turned into public enemy number one of college boys

[silvermoonshitshow]

John Thingpenter's THE CARP (horror story about river ecology)

[silvermoonshitshow]

so I got into grad school today with my shitty 2.8 gpa and the moral of the story is reblog those good luck posts for the love of god

[silvermoonshitshow]

it's so over. the only thing i have that staves off the despair is weed. when I'm not high i am experiencing... Something. like a constant breakdown. reality is tearing itself apart and dragging the jagged edges through me 🙃. please someone save me. i need a bf so fucking bad frfr. or to be killed. either or

[silvermoonshitshow]

new fic chapter wheeeeeeeeeeee pls read it and comment i am fucking desperate lolololll

[silvermoonshitshow]

It's crazy how quickly my brain becomes distracted when you're not around, like you're the only thing anchoring me to reality. I mean... what's the point of anything else anyway? You're my life, you hold my heart my soul, there's no point without you.

But I must remind myself that in order to please you, I must become better myself. I must continue to strive to be a person that is worthy of you; although, it may take my whole life to do so. I only hope that you're willing to wait for that person that you deserve. Because if you leave... there'd be no point anymore.

[silvermoonshitshow]

fucking hate that i gave into my parents concept that only girls were good at writing and boys had to be good at math when i had legitimately okay creative and poetic writing in elementary and middle school, and decided that i am So Clearly Male (cope) that i had to give up on it and spec into math and science for 5 years just to burn out and try to kms eight times and then transition anyways lmfao. I'm glad I'm getting back into writing now, but damn maybe i coulda actually been something, and not just the worthless, useless failure i am now. anyways new chapter soon i think idk im pretty far into it. idk I'm high as Fuck rn too escape The Thoughts

[silvermoonshitshow]

everyone tires of me. i no longer see the point in making friends. i don't like superficial relationships, and anything deep always ends in pain. and it always ends. there is no certainly, there is no stability, there is no eternity. yet that is all i wish for.

[silvermoonshitshow]

The longing gets lonesome. The longing for a partner who understands me, who wouldn't try to change me, who would listen and care. I hope every day that I get closer to the one who needs me the most. I long to wake up next to someone who's excited to see me in the morning, who reminds me gently to take my meds while I get up and make them coffee. I'd love someone who'd kiss my scars, while I admire their every feature. Someone I can be vulnerable around without fear or judgement. Someone who doesn't mind me singing in the shower, who doesn't run at the first sign of difficulty. Someone who will stay. Please fucking stay.