shyunicorn69

[shyunicorn69]

I just want someone to actually get me you know. Like truly understands me and lets me be me. I've never been able to just be myself and completely relax. I don't know what's that like. To relax? To not always be on guard at all times? I don't have a safe person that I can just let all my walls down and tell them exactly what's on my mind. I'm beginning to think that person or place doesn't exist. I just want to feel human and be able to express myself with nothing to hold back from.

[shyunicorn69]

I am at a loss for just about everything. I am so close to being at my wits end. My marbles are all over the place. I have no idea who I am anymore let alone recognize myself in a reflection that passes me by. Broken stained glass will never be the same but gives an opportunity to make new art. A blank canvas until motions of paint strokes are made like drawing with a stick in the sand. Time shifts forward as the balance begins to tilt off key.

[shyunicorn69]

I want to scream and shout then let it all out. Over and over bs. The same repeating patterns that never change. This has got to stop or I'll go insane. Probably even blow my top cuz it got too much at that point. Go ahead click the gun and fire a blank round, watch as nothing happens when the smoke clears the only thing that can be seen is the rage in my eyes. I'm so tired of backing down when I know I should be rising up to the challenge. Like David and Goliath, I need to sling my shot and take the giant called life down a peg to see how it feels to be looming over the dirt waiting for the final strike to end it all. Yeah you'd like that wouldn't you. To see me at my weakest thinking it's funny to see me struggle when you know your hand could change the fate of the tides. No you'll just watch cuz thats what a narcissist does. One day soon my pain will be your reckoning. The roles will be switched and then I get to walk away as the laughing fool who got the last laugh before it's over

[shyunicorn69]

Here we are another day and it's still the same shit just a different day. I want to be so hopeful and full of life but these demons in me they won't let any light come to pass. I'm struggling in vain holding onto the grasp of light that's slowly dying inside of me. I can't let them snuff it out. If that happens then my whole life is over. It'll be hanging up the coat and calling it a day. I don't want to lose sight of who I really am. I know I can be hopeful and full of life again. I just have to battle it out with the curse that's been placed upon me since birth. The last swing will determine the outcome of the war inside the mind. Let's see that horizon come at last

[shyunicorn69]

Woke up this morning with a major pain in my neck..so this is what it's like to be old lol. Just turned 30 and I already feel old AF. Double down on ibuprofen and Mary Jane and the aching is not subsiding in the least. That or winter is just coming in sooner than expected

[shyunicorn69]

Why is it that when I'm at my wits end I come here to post my rants and raves that upsets me?? Because no one else will listen to the words that come out of my mouth. I try not to let my emotions play into my words but it just happens when the flow is right. My rage is all I have. An emotion that I can fuel out with no problems because I want to fight back. I never did display other emotions very well. I was always told not to ask for anything so my random spurts of joy were squashed. My mind is all over the place. Nothing is up while nothing is down and all around. More twisted than a kaleidoscope. If I could just break out of this prism I might be okay

[shyunicorn69]

I'm sorry for not being my best. I am trying my hardest to be the person you want me to be. It's not an easy journey. I didn't think it was going to take so long. I am so sorry for not being there for you when you need me the most. I can't be someone's rock when I myself am crumbling away. There are so many cracks in my foundation. I'm trying to fix it I swear. I'm not giving up til the job is done and it's far from done. I truly do hope by the end of it all you will be there with me, smiling at the person I've become. A rock worthy of being someone's anchor, to keep them steady in a bad storm.

[shyunicorn69]

At what point do you feel like you are stuck in a infinite loop with no end or way out. It's been feeling like that lately. I am so fed up with everything around me. The no money, no job, no car, no fucking life. I just want it to be done but I can't give up. I just need something to fall through so I don't fall into despair. I'm not ready to see it end just yet. This fight isn't over but I am getting tired of this fight. I just want to rest for a minute. That can't happen with this raging battle going on around me. In the center of it all, I will persevere and keep pushing forward. That's just who I am. A fighter by nature, a survivor by will, and a defender by grace. Death's door step is in the distance but it almost feels like the next step will be doomed so I will close my eyes. Take that step and hopefully the light will be bright enough for me to open my eyes to see the beautiful horizon that awaits discovery

[shyunicorn69]

Lately it's been feeling like I'm truly alone in this world, or just in general. In all my years of being here I still haven't found a single person that really gets it or at least understands what I'm going through. I'm sure that person is out there, I guess maybe that person might be me. I'm not sure. My mind is so twisted. I fear that the inside of my mind and reality are going to collide if something isn't done. I've tried talking but talking doesn't work for me when I struggle with communication. I'm tired of feeling like this with no turns to make. I have hope that the light doesn't die out and that it'll be a brighter day. Being in darkness is exhausting, consuming, restless, angry at everything for no reason. This survivor mode has got to come to an end, I'm tired of being on the defense all the time

[shyunicorn69]

These are just my thoughts that I could never get out on paper or even talk to someone. I'm sure this gets passed over like it's nothing. That's fine. I'm just tired of not being able to talk about me when I've been shut off from everything known to be possible. I could almost be considered collateral damage but I know that can be fixed if I have the will to do so. I still have the will of fire. The will to keep pushing forward even though it hurts so much because I've lost so much that I can't let go. The weight of that loss is so soul crushing that I can hardly breathe in reality. I am not okay. I know this and I also know it will get better because I'm not out of the fight. No towel is getting thrown in but it will get used during the match. Life isn't fair so why should I fight fair either. It's a gamble I'm willing to make and ready to see the outcome of it all.

[shyunicorn69]

Being alone and lonely are 2 different meanings. Alone is not a soul in sight, being lonely is longing for a person's presence. Being alone is far worse than being lonely. At least being lonely the inner demons don't come out to play. Being truly alone is when they become the fuel for twisting and confusing the mind. Reality is not what it seems. Nothing is. What's right, to what's wrong? Rhetorical questions that get asked with an answer always waiting. To what end is this game, there is no end to the madness. No sanity can save the wicked, and no wickedness can save sanity. Cursed to go in a circle of nowhere into the abyss of the soul. No matter how hard I try, it's always right back to where I started, almost like going in a circle

[shyunicorn69]

What do to...so there's a girl lmao classic set up, she's bi and taken, I'm lesbian and single. Cool friendship right? This new friend doesn't know anything about this fantasy, should it stay that way or not?? Never dealt with an issue like this before..

[shyunicorn69]

Heyyo, what it do peeps...if anyone is on rn dm me ur most lit playlist. Pretty pls, no music is resonating with me so I need y'alls list to boost this mood of mine outta here like an exorcised demon.

[shyunicorn69]

A lot of missing, loose screws and no screwdriver or enough to put back in...

Tends to describe a persons mental state. The more screws missing the most likely that the individual in question is insane. Even more so if no screwdriver is in sight for them. However in my case, most would say I have quite a few missing, slightly in place, completely loose just to make some kind of noise. Collecting pieces is something that is hard to do. No matter what piece it is one picks up and is putting back together into something more beautiful than before.

[shyunicorn69]

Yes, please lol. That's enough to put you in deep outer space

[shyunicorn69]

On Wednesdays we wear pink

[shyunicorn69]

Staying positive even in the darker times...sos

Times right now are not the greatest as we speak, but I am trying ever so dearly hard to endure through the troubling era I've found myself in. Maintaining currency has proven to be a task with demanding employers who think nothing of you as a mere ant under their boot. They squash you down to nothing just to replace you with another able body to do their bidding. Brain wash? Hog wash is what it is. People are ever so changing more so than the wind. Never know what they are capable of doing next. A friend one hour then in the next 12 they don't want anything to do with you. Weird. Better to be alone, have a pet, or even a small select individuals who share the same mind set values that you hold so close to your heart that it makes you the very being that you are. I can't say I'm clean, but I also can't say I'm dirty. Sinner and Saint mixed into one. I can turn the other cheek no sweat. I can also turn a fist into thy face. I have enough patience to fill a dried up river and give to those who desperately need it. I'm quick to cut ties when I've had enough of being an entrainer for a dumbass party of one. Not letting the dark thoughts come into the light because then it gets noticed. I'm all about noticing things even the little things that get missed a lot. Those are the most important ones. Since they get unnoticed so much that it just builds up until one day it gets noticed. For instance the pollution and trash we are putting on the place we were given a home to make from. Yet we are destroying every single piece of it with breathe we take, but nothing is getting done about it until it was too late to stop what had already taken place. Choices. Besides that being able to wake up and not feel bad or horrible about some action that was already made and letting that go to move forward in life. To making the right actions and moves to gain some foothold into a door that will lead to better things. I want to get that foothold so bad. I'm trying every door I come across and seeing if that foothold will stick. Unfortunately none has worked. All doors are jammed shut from ever preventing a foothold again. Nevertheless I will keep at it until one day it finally opens for me. It's gonna be a big one I just know it. I just hope to have trustworthy friends to give me that final shove as their send off, but I'll be sure to take them all along for the ride. They would have helped me so much along the way. It's the least I can do to repay them for all their kindness.