shrutikaushal

[shrutikaushal]

Dear Li,

There have been moments in my life when I was forced to believe that kindness no longer existed. The world is full of betrayals and selfishness. Despite those experiences, I treated all my patients with the same amount of love and care. But you were different—you were special to me.

I lost my grandfather at an early age, and your uncanny resemblance to him created a soft spot in my heart. I’ll admit, I was a little biased toward you compared to my other patients. At 99, you taught me what it truly means to care for others.

I still remember our first meeting—it wasn’t the most pleasant one. You had been admitted to the orthopedic ward and made your presence known by shouting in Mandarin, a language no one around could understand. You were so loud and disruptive that it frustrated the entire floor, including me. I thought you lacked empathy for the other sick people around you and felt irritated by how you interrupted the staff as they cared for others.

But everything changed the next time I met you. I discovered that you spoke Hindi, a language I know well. I couldn’t have been happier—because I love talking to elderly patients! Slowly, in bits and pieces, we began to communicate, and I started seeing a different side of you.

Your love for food was remarkable—and your insistence on eating everything warm always made me smile. I’ll never forget how you used to call me over with gestures to check on the woman lying in the next bed. Even though you had no connection to her, you couldn’t bear to see her in pain. You showed such genuine concern for her well-being, always asking me to make sure she was okay, even when you were struggling with your own pain.

You reminded me of a true gentleman, someone who probably spent his youth taking care of others. I still think about the stories I shared with you—like how clumsy I was as a child, constantly injuring myself. You listened so intently and always asked if those old injuries still bothered me.

How can someone who is suffering so much, with no family or friends by their side, and nobody to talk to, still have such a kind and pure heart? If I were in your place, I might have given up on humanity. But because of you, I won’t.

You taught me to remain kind, even in the face of betrayal or disappointment. The hardest part of this journey was watching you weaken toward the end. It broke my heart to see you left alone, refusing food and water as life slipped away. I still remember how much you looked forward to your meals. I cherished those moments when I could take time to feed you, ensuring your food was warm, chatting with you to make you smile.

No one else seemed to notice those little things that mattered to you—but I did. And when you aspirated three times, I was told I could no longer feed you. It was devastating for me—the one task I always looked forward to was gone.

In such a short time, you made me feel the presence of my grandfather again. Thank you for playing games with me, for laughing at my silly stories, and for wiping away my tears when I couldn’t hold back my emotions. I’m trying my best not to cry as I write this.

You’ve given me a reason to be a better human. You showed me that kindness doesn’t need a language. I promise to care for every soul around me with my whole heart, just as you would.

In a world that normalizes selfishness and prioritizing oneself, you reminded me that living for others is what truly makes a life worth living.

Until we meet again, Li, it was an honor knowing a soul as pure as yours.

Your Student Nurse

[shrutikaushal]

[shrutikaushal]

falling in love.

there aren't many people I come across who impress me. a few of them do amuse me.

amusement may spark an interest. but it takes so much more to brew love.

tonight I don't yearn to be loved. tonight I crave the feeling of falling in love. there wasn't much I knew when I was eighteen, but I knew one thing right- you cannot fall in love, the true kind of love, if in that equation you are not loved back.

love is energy. that energy is an exchange. it is not one sided.

and tonight that's the love I seek. the man I will fall in love with. whose existence will make my heart happy, my soul calm, and my mind elated.

yes, that's what I look up to. just falling in love.

its equal in its presence, in its intensity, in its gentleness. even though its one- sided, I wish for it to stay. watching him from distance, his eyes were blue as bilberries, nature was calm as virtue, aura hushed as midnight, and a face innocent as grace itself. how can even a soul like him exist?

I've felt the spark one too many times but it always flickered too soon- either extinguished if I was lucky or charred everything around me if I was not.

when did the spark get to evolve fully? never, not once.

but maybe now I know how to keep the spark evolved. by being the only one in love. no complains, no demands. the love I have isn't shared but just belongs to me. I can dream of anything, hope for anything and all of it belongs to me.

it might seem as if I'm running away, and avoiding his presence, but I really am. its the fluttering of heart, the goosebumps and a weird sensation deep inside my heart from which I'm trying to escape.

he may be the reason why I've started to smile again, and why not? his smile so contagious that I wish everyone had immunity, except me. but he is even the reason why my heart aches. and that's equally hurting.

so maybe I would gradually learn to live with it until I see him happy with someone else. or until I completely get over him, knowing that he deserves more. but there's one thing which I would still keep on humming inside my heart and I know I'm nobody to say this.

but don't fall for someone else.

[shrutikaushal]

in a room full of people I have always seen myself in the corner of the room, realizing as if I do not belong to this place. I was taught to see good in everyone, because who doesn't have flaws? I still remember my father telling my younger self, "you are so good to the world, this is why you find everyone equally good as you are."

it wasn't late enough when I was certain about the fact that we see our own reflection in everyone. We think of them the way we are, good and evil, the happiness and the feeling of abandonment, we believe everyone around feel and see through the lens we see the world.

might sound trivial and gibberish, but this is again me hoping that anyone who reads it would feel exactly what I am feeling right now.

so what exactly I have this time to throttle deep inside my throat in the name of happiness? hope.

no matter how hard life pulls me down, hope begs to be noticed. the light inside me still flickers, I swear. and I hate it, trust me; but this is the only thing that keeps me living. watching shows and reading fiction to escape reality, not going out and writing such blogs during midnight is what keeps me distracted.

is there anyone who feel like escaping but actually wants to be heard? is there anyone else aching deep down the ocean bed and is enduring silently? even thinking about it bring tears to my eyes, how hard a life can be?

there are wounds, there are scars, there are bruises and there is unbearable pain. healing isn't possible but concealing them with a face lit up by a bright smile is a way out.

laughing till your stomach hurts? I don't know what it feels like, but crying till you feel a sharp needle like pain in your chest is an emotion which lives rent free inside me.

what do I actually seek is the question. and the answer is still unknown. maybe because nobody ever asked me what I want. and maybe nobody ever would. this is my life where I am obliged to be responsible, cautious, fragile, risk-averse, and philophobic.

in some parallel universe I wish I am different. I wish I am carefree, reckless, strong, unafraid to make mistakes, and would love to love people. maybe.

[shrutikaushal]

Her heart ached with uncertainty,

She had been hurt before, left in agony.

She met him, his aura captivating,

But the thought of love left her hesitating.

It had been two years since the last heartbreak,

Her shattered heart was still at stake.

She couldn’t bear to feel that pain once more,

Her love was a door she couldn’t explore.

She tried to push her feelings aside,

To convince herself she was just being naive and shy.

But the more time she spent with him,

The more she knew her heart was in a whim.

She didn’t want to hurt him, but she couldn’t reciprocate,

His love for her, she couldn’t duplicate.

So with a heavy heart, she let him go,

Hoping he would find someone to Love and Grow.

As he walked away, her hope shattered in two,

Wondering if Love was something she could pursue.

But for now, she would hold back her heart,

Until the time came for a new Love to start.

[shrutikaushal]

The equation of love is tragically beautiful. Love often comes disguised as wrong people, broken hearts, and toxic minds. You may not find your happy ending right away. You might feel lost or scared when you are with the wrong person. But when the right one comes along, you will get a feeling that they are the one you want to grow old with. It will be someone who will make sure to hold you close when you are scared or the person who will choose to eat cheese popcorn with you even though they like caramel. When you are with them, you feel important. Even your worst fears and the darkest thing about you won’t scare them away. They are the people you can be stupid with, and not be afraid of judgements. It’s not been easy for you when it comes to love, and you’ve had your knees deep in heartbreak and misery, but being with them would make everything worth it. It would all make sense. They are the people you want to spend the rest of your life with. One day, when you are old and grey, you’ll sit on a park bench and see some young couple trying to fool around, and smile at each other. You will look them in the eye, and you will know that you made it. and that will be your happy ending.

[shrutikaushal]

This morning I thought about you, maybe because today was the beginning of a new life I never saw coming. I take out some memories of us, lying forsaken in places inside me. I rarely think about us these days, maybe because I'm healing from the pain you gave me in the name of love. Though like every other couple, we had differences, but ours was the mayor of that category.

Keeping the wrecked and painful memories aside, I see some parts of the love we shared was nothing, but beautiful. Am I suppose to unlove the person I fell in love with in order to be able to fully love someone else?

The answer, like all answers, lies in the wait, in the spaces between years that speak only of the things that can not be touched anymore. I wrap myself around these memories of you and realise that I no longer feed off them. Instead I cherish what they embody. A few winters ago, you and I loved. And lifetimes aren't enough to forget what that tasted like.

I think this is how we love again. By accepting how things are, and knowing that their are homes we built inside each other that will remain unabandonded. I have to accept that despite the love I have for someone is powerful, I can not ensure their stay in my life forever. Some of them will fade into memories, and a few will become a part of it.

But for now, I don't have the audacity to fall in love all over again. It isn’t because I don’t want to experience the unbeatable joy of loving someone, but the reason lies in the consequences it would result in after some time, which is none other than pain. So I'll rather live with unfulfilled dreams and hopes than to live with the pain accumulating inside me with every abandonment I face.

[shrutikaushal]

On days like this I really wish if you were here next to me. I thought I'm a strong woman who can undoubtedly face any hinderance of life all alone. And trust me, before I met you, I considered it the only truth of my life, which eventually became the biggest lie with passing time. Seems like "no man is an island" is an inescapable proverb in the life of every individual and I'm one of those people who are affected by it the most. I keep myself occupied to obliterate the memories I share with you. Some days I wish to eliminate all these remembrances, whilst there are days when it fills me up with tranquility. No matter how hard I try, I can never alleviate the pain which comes gushing whenever I come across anything which reminds me of the days we spent together. I never knew the repercussions of falling in love. I believed love is a power which makes you strong, but unfortunately it is the power which makes you the weakest creature alive. It is a wound that leaves a scar for the rest of your life and no matter how badly you wish to conceal your scar, you'll always end up bruising it more. I look around in search of a hand, which can help me pull out from drowning into the ocean of isolation, and so far I'm continuing to drown because every hand I hold, I realize its not yours. So maybe I'll just continue to swim till I find a hand strong enough to pull me out from this misery.

[shrutikaushal]

A Day of Reminiscence

Sitting alone quiet and distressed,

with eyes all swollen and red.

I asked my teenage daughter,

To address the reason behind the tears she shed.

“How would you help me out?

When you’ve never fallen in love.

You married dad as a compromise,

Considering the wish of your father all above”.

Listening to the words she just spoke,

I was filled with agony and resentment.

So far I was unaware of the thoughts my daughter had for me,

But now I believe that all I ever gave her was a disappointment.

I leaned forward, held her hands tight.

Ruffled her hair affectionately with my fingers,

And told her she needs to get her facts right.

I’ve drowned in the ocean of love before,

still swimming in those memories in solitude.

How easy it is for people to give up,

When you tend to keep tonnes of broken dreams in your heart glued.

Our love was so naïve, unsophisticated and immature,

Filled with arguments resulting in pain, tears and so much more.

Besides all the pain we gave each other,

I always believed our love was so charming, buoyant and pure.

He used to capture the best moments of his life on his camera,

While I kept accumulating them deep inside my heart.

Maybe that’s the reason I still am into his thoughts,

Even after it has been more than a decade since we lived apart.

Now when I look back in time, all of the memories feel eidetic,

All of the fightings seem so sweet,

Reminiscing our meetings of love and pleasure,

Makes me feel how much he was everything that I ever need.

All the nights, with highs and lows, we always had each other’s support,

But then on a filthy unpleasant day, he decided to leave me at bay.

For him, promises were meant to be broken.

However, for me, it was something to be forever kept as a token.

I gave up on our dreams which we saw together.

Where we wished of a small house on a vacant beach,

And watching the sunset with our kids altogether.

“You’ll find someone better, who would reciprocate the love you give”,

He said and left, sabotaging billions of dreams inside me,

Being blissfully aware that he’s the ‘better’ for whom I live.

“What you did with all the love you had for him then?” my daughter asked eagerly.

I poured all my love into words, to make my love eternal,

And this way I realized a lot of things so easily.

What I did learn is that I deserved better, and I found one.

He is your father, who might not be the first person to love me,

But I’m glad he’s the last, who loves me more than anyone.

You can love a person and still let him go,

Learn that love can neither be forced nor begged,

When the person you love has decided to leave a long time ago.

[shrutikaushal]

Dear Beloved,

The distances are over, and I’m right here. No demands and no restrictions. No matter how hard you try, I’ll always remain the secret of your life which you can never hide and the love of your life which you can never escape. 

Don’t get amazed if I’m still echoing inside your heart, because that’s the way how my love for you is supposed to sound. Listen the rhythms of your heart every night before you go to sleep, and you’ll realize I’m right here. I’ll stay in your thoughts, answers and every unsettled question. I’ll inhabit all your dreams, and the sights of your open eyes. You’ll see me everywhere your vision reach, and you’ll force yourself to correlate everything around with our memories.

You’ll have lovers, in fact great lovers. But the perfection is something you’ll appreciate was always inside me. I’m the reason you believed that love has the power to heal the wounds and scars which seemed incurable. Neither you, nor almighty can ever make me leave this place in your heart, as this is where I tend to stay forever .

Your first love.

[shrutikaushal]

I heard it once that you don't find love, love finds you. And still I always felt that whatever the way it goes, I won't be able to trust and love anyone else after witnessing something which haunts me every single night, resulting in sleeplessness at midnight accompanied with tears and pain. I wish painkillers worked for heartaches too, but they don't. Amid the pain and misery, I never thought I'll be able to fill the void in my heart this early with words that lead me to reality. Leaving my home and getting encountered with the world out there was something I feared, something I always avoided, and something which requires a lot of courage. And to my surprise, it went well. I met people with experience, people with broken hearts and people with smiles who made me fall in love with the thought of love all over again. I wish I could simplify the reality,which for sure is hard to believe, in textbooks so that people of my age could consider it a bit easier to move on from the stages of their lives which are holding them from the happiness which they deserve to feel. Enduring pain isn't easy, but with right people next to you, it makes the journey a less painful.

If a person himself tells you in first place that he's difficult to love and handle, trust him. If a person himself tells you that he is cold hearted, trust him. Because you'll try to change him, you'll try to make him a better person, and the universe knows change isn't the fundamental nature of a human being. It sounds almost next to impossible when it comes to changing yourself, think about the level of efforts you've to put in to change someone for good, and the truth turns out that they might be able to pretend someone you want for few days, few weeks, few months and maybe a year or so too, but once they've struggled being someone they're actually not, they'll be back to whom they were. And only you will be the one who'll suffer disappointment and pain. And you yourself grew these bitter seeds for yourself, because they showed you who they actually were long ago, but you preferred not to believe it, you preferred to remain blind in love, and you were the one who preferred to give the other person chances over and over again.

Forgive yourself, because you went through pain and disappointed when all you had were intentions filled with love and care. Forgive yourself, because you invested your time in someone who wasn't worthy of your love. Forgive yourself, because even though life isn't easy, love is the only thing that would conquer everything. Forgive yourself, because you've to make place for someone who would respect you, and won't leave because they're exhausted now, instead they'll find ways to make things work irrespective of all the differences and odds. Forgive yourself, because love will find its way and you'll be healed.

[shrutikaushal]

It’s sad. Isn’t it? You grow up thinking that love is some wonderful force that will somehow fix everything in the world. You were taught fairy tales and happily ever after’s and about princes and princesses. But no one ever told you that love hurts more often than not. No one tells you the pain of unrequited love or the crying at two in the morning, wondering why you weren’t enough. No one told you the harsh reality of letting go when all you wanted to do was hold on. No one told you the absolute torture of watching someone slowly fall out in love with you. Because no one wants to admit that something that was thought to be so beautiful could go so wrong.

[shrutikaushal]

And all you have to do is dream.

Isn’t it better to stay happy living a false dream, instead of staying unhappy in reality. We people always have someone we never speak of, maybe because talking about them we’re flooded with memories and pain. We all have someone we loved so deeply that we were afraid to accept this reality and kept it confined deep in our hearts. But how long will these secrets stay hidden ? I might have been successful in concealing the truth in front of people, but I always fail to do the same in my dreams. Somewhere I love it. I love it that there’s a place where I can call you mine. All mine. I’m a pilgrim here who’s in search of a pure heart and soul, which I found in you. I found my happiness in you. And your voice; everytime I hear it I feel like I’m home. Your hands are the only one I would ever like to hold. The warmth in your arms is all I can wish for. Even if it’s not true in reality, I’m beyond happy to let it happen in my dreams. No matter how bad you treat me, no matter how many times you abandon me, no matter how many times I cry for you every night, no matter how many lines I write for your brutality, I’ll still continue to love you, and I’ll continue it till my last breath. Silly me. How can I stay mad at you when all I ever learned is to love and nurture you. Even if you live hundred more years, you’ll never ever find out how much you actually mean to me. How much your every single tiniest gesture mean to me. You’ll never know. And then comes the life apart from the dreams to which I survive. Yes, there are days when we live for someone else. And I admit it, I really miss how things between us used to be. I miss every day, hour and second of you being with me. But along with this, I also admit the fact that things have changed. I no longer have rights on you and have the entitlement to call you my anything anymore. We ruined ourselves. When all I thought was we ruined each other. The truth of this life is you’ll never be mine and I’ll never be yours. I’ve to survive watching you loving someone else and still undoubtedly my feelings will never change despite any hurdle which stems from you. I’m happy that we met in reality. And I’m contented with the fact of us meeting every night below the night sky full of stars and a moon, with me placing my head over your shoulder and crying over the certainty that everything is just a dream.

[shrutikaushal]

Anyone who takes the time to be kind is beautiful. ~Richelle E. Goodrich