setanlajang

[setanlajang]

Phantom Pain

I come back home, after a day long gathering my own ashes --- the world burn half of my body.

I walk on the hallway and I can still hear the step of your boots hitting the floor, following me to my room. I still turn back my body everytime I open the door so you can kiss me, as you used to --- now is the wind. I grab my guitar and play it while sitting on the floor and you're on my bed, like I used to --- now I sing alone.

Oh dear, I can still feel your phantom arms linger on my chest, your phantom cheeks on my shoulder, your phantom lips pressed to mine, your phantom gaze meets mine, I can still feel your phantom soul in my phantom pain.

Setan Lajang

Prawirotaman, 4 Agustus 2017

[setanlajang]

Acceptance.

Seeing you as someone who spent half of your life time in US, made me fell to the concept I created myself that you’re irreplaceable.

Fell for someone like you,

who graduated summa cum laude in international program,

who active in many international communities and events,

who eats books as your protein supply for your wide knowledge,

who has a really great taste both in music and movie,

who humble enough to have street food and enjoying doing cheap things despite the background you have,

was taking me into a different level of life --- and see everything differently.

I’ve been with many girls before you, who has lower quality than you but act like they’re higher --- and those fact, made me obsessed to you.

You’re just too beautiful to be true.

But to fell for someone like you, made me ignoring all those small details which actually had a deep impact to my soul, something that I thought wasn’t important as long as I can be with you. The fear of losing you, messed up the wall inside me and took over my mind. At first, I thought it was all fine to keep saying “It’s fine, dear”. Until it reached the tip of my break point, and all I felt from then was numb. Then, I cheated on you. I know...

I was weak, darling. I was lost --- and regret it.

A month passed, I remember what you said to me the last time we met, “Loving someone else will never be more important than respecting yourself”. Now I couldn’t agree more. I figured out what I was missing when we were still together, it was “respect” to myself.

To care about my own feelings.

To hear my own voice.

To appreciate myself before I could appreciate people.

I’ve sacrified too much of my feelings that I didn’t realize it was just like stabbing myself slowly.

From you,

I learned to listen to myself,

to fix all the mess inside my head,

to accept who I am,

to respect myself --- so I can love a person properly from now on.

Love// "In order to understand, I destroyed myself” - Fernando Pessoo

[setanlajang]

Mata Itu

Sepasang mata kecil dari balik bar, seperti aku mengenalnya bertahun-tahun. Menghukumku. Meletakkanku pada pada keinginan dan keengganan akan sesuatu yang mungkin dan tidak mungkin selesai.

Dan gelas kopi ini, sebuah upaya menjauhkan mimpi (kau) dari tidur.

Setan Lajang Karanggayam, 19 Juni 2017

[setanlajang]

Aftermath

I woke up to the music I left asleep for a long nap I took since 2pm Two months of sleepless nights, it feels weird to see my room become dark again tonight Papers scattered all across the room --- on my bed Those warm lights hanging on my room, looks blurry in my eyes. I can’t believe everything is over now

I can feel the cold of jogja again tonight, nothing distract my mind from you anymore Ah, it makes me remember that you left already...

Setan Lajang Karangwuni, 17 Juni 2017

[setanlajang]

Halley

The dusk is bleeding the sky The bench is empty --- so is my mind I’ve never been here before, and will never be But this place was your orbit once You left traces of you in every corner of the building --- beside the classroom window, on the stairs, under the lamp post, or maybe inside the pages I’m reading by now The dawn will guide you to the next chapter And if I ever miss you in the future, I’ll always find a piece of you here

Setan Lajang Sansiro, 17 Mei 2017

[setanlajang]

Kau Bebas Sekarang

Aku mengerti sekarang alasan seorang kawan pergi. Bukan karena wanita-nya, ataupun dia melupakan temannya, hanya saja ia telah menemukan seseorang yang bisa membuatnya bermimpi lebih besar, berlari lebih jauh dan percaya kepadanya bahkan ketika ia tak mampu untuk percaya kepada dirinya sendiri.

Aku ingin suatu hari nanti, saat aku kerumahmu untuk mengajakmu ngopi seperti yang biasa kita lakukan, ku ketuk pintu rumahmu, namun tak kunjung ada jawaban dari dalam. Kau pergi, tanpa sepatah kata perpisahan. Saat itu aku akan tau bahwa kau sudah membulatkan tekadmu. Untuk mengejar sesuatu yang lebih besar dari kita. Itulah mimpiku untuk pertemanan kita.

Aku mungkin benci pernikahan, tapi itu tak berarti aku ingin kau tidak menikah.

Pergilah! Kau bebas sekarang.

Setan Lajang Jakal, 6 April 2017

[setanlajang]

No More Bros Before Hoes

Now I understand the reason behind my friend’s leaving. It wasn’t because of his woman or he forgot his friends. It was because he finally found someone who made him dream bigger, run further. Someone who believed in him when he didn’t even believe in himself.

One day in the future, I'll come to your place to pick you up for our routine evening coffee. I’ll knock on your door. Minutes pass, but no one will answer. You’re gone, without a farewell. That will be the day that I know you’ve made up your mind. To chase after something bigger. That’s my dream for our friendship.

I might hate marriages, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to get married.

Go! No more bros before hoes, brother!

Setan Lajang Jakal, 6 April 2017

[setanlajang]

Random #1

People often ask about my political and religion view, I can only say that I don’t take sides in everything. I don’t take sides between liberalism, communism or sharia. I don’t take sides between islam, shia, christian or jew. I don’t take sides between allah or jesus.

Or maybe I am. An ignorant bitch. I’m on the side where offer me a peace state of mind. And peace, can only be exist outside those boundaries.

[setanlajang]

Mewariskan mimpi dan ambisi kepada anak adalah perbuatan paling keji yang pernah dilakukan orang tua

Setan Lajang

[setanlajang]

Orang selalu bilang kita akan dapat pasangan yang sesuai dengan diri kita. Mungkin itu kenapa aku menjadi setan, karena aku memang tak pernah suka wanita baik-baik

Setan Lajang

[setanlajang]

How come everyone seems to manage to be so persistent to what they truly are, meanwhile I always end up sold my soul everytime I get attached to someone

Setan Lajang

[setanlajang]

Stranded

Your jacket, I’m still keeping it in my closet As your perfume still stuck in the air, I can smell it Bottles of beer, chopsticks, guitar scattered across the room Broken mirror and fresh blood stain on it

New sun has arise You are ready to leave this town As I’m ready to embrace all memories scattered in every corners of this town

Let me take you to the airport

Setan Lajang Jogja, 14 Februari 2017

[setanlajang]

Unreasonable

2 a.m in the morning. It’s been 8 hours rain doesn’t stop falling. You wake up and feel numb on your hands. You can’t move your body. Blurry, and slowly you vision get clearer. You take a glance to the wall, you see red stain and some paint flakes on your bed.

Yesterday was a fine day. The sky was clear for you and your girlfriend took coffee at your favorite coffee shop. Drowned in each other bussiness. You, with your own thesis.

Until all voices suddenly dissappeared from your head. Silence shrouded the place that afternoon. Couple of times you went there, but yesterday was the most uncommon. You saw everyone talking, but you can’t hear them. You can only tell by lips reading. You saw her at the corner moving her head up and down a bit following the music played inside her earphones. It seemed the voices only dissappear from your head, not everyone else. You took a moment to closed your eyes and the voice started coming back to you.

You can heard the guy next to you planning a big project he is in with his friend. You can heard a group of medical students behind me discuss their anatomy  assignment for this wednesday. You can heard a couple of lovebirds working on their scholarship application together. You can heard her, managing her thesis, her scholarship, her dream, her life.

Have you ever felt everyone seems to have a clear idea of their life, but you? You just stuck there, cursing, regreting for all mistakes you made, for where you came from, for the person you became. No matter where you go and whatever you do, it always haunts you, day and night. Trapped in gravity, pressed by its guilty feelings.

And on the end of the day, you keep beating yourself and everything around you, try to break all of these feelings till you passed out and wake up at 2 a.m in the morning...

Setan Lajang Karangwuni, 14 Februari 2017

[setanlajang]

Rust

I watch the clouds dancing above your head, as you exhale the remnants of your cigarette. You close your eyes, hoping that your problem would melt away. But they won’t. They linger --- like a moth to a flame.

Everything becomes smaller as you try to hold your breath --- the ashtray, table, windows. They room swallows you whole, grips your lungs.

You hurry to release your breath, as you feel clausterphobia envelop your body. I stare at your eyes I can feel them falling into the abbys.

When I see you this way, exhaustion etched across your face, I wish I could lend you my eyes. So you can see yourself the way I see you --- a tender soul full of galaxies.

Indira X Setan Seturan, 20 November 2016

[setanlajang]

Strange

Earth is only a planet on the edge of milky way galaxy. Sun, mercury, venus, earth, mars and the rest which we called ���solar system” are just flying things on the edge of milky way.

Did anyone tell you that one galaxy contains about 400 million stars and planets? We’re just live on the edge of it.

And did you know that we have 2 more neighbor galaxies andromeda and triangulum? Which make it 400 million x 2, 800 million stars and planet. Plus from milky way it would be about 1,2 billion stars and planets floating around us.

And you have to know that in nasa’s telescope (hubble), there are approximately 200 billion galaxies. Now you count it yourself how many stars and planets up there.

And you still believe human is the only civilization lives in this big ass universe? And all of us living in a small small planet called earth on the edge of milky way?

If I manage to meet them, I’ll ask what their religion are and the first religion they answer, I’ll take it as my religion.

Setan Lajang Karangwuni, 13 Februari 2017

[setanlajang]

Not everything you have to hear it clearly, when you know it's something loving

Setan Lajang

[setanlajang]

If she's the right one, there will be no who-will-fight-for-who-first, you two will feel the need of each other from the beginning to the end. As vampire crave for blood, as lungs longing of oxygen. And i found it in her, not in you.

Setan Lajang