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schlenting · 4 months

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You always heard of childhood romance, having your best friend be a guy while youre AFAB in a latino household I was surrounded by people shipping us. Teachers, friends, strangers, even our own family, but we didnt try anything until after we graduated highschool. We've known each other since kindergarten, him a needy kid with glasses and a but awkward while I, at the time, was a social butterfly who got along with anyone but I did have specific interest girls didnt like hut he did

We clicked, spent everyday together, told each other everything. Highs, lows, it didnt matter, we were always there for each other. We both got crushes on each other, but they never timed right for us to want to date, it was always he'd crush ok me when I didnt want to deal with anyone or I crushed on him while he was chasing someone else. But, on our second year of university, things changed.

We stayed in the island, but his campus was all the way across the island, so we stayed in contact via frequent visits and discord calls, but then Pandemic happened. We couldnt move, we couldnt see each other when we were so used to seeing each other daily for the past 13 years, so when the ban lifted, when we could finally spend time together again, the emotions were overwhelming. We kissed, the confessions and the song he dedicated to me, as cheesy and generic as it was, it made sense. La Flaca, I was skinny for most my life, bordering on anorexic, so the song was perfect. The timing was just right...

Things weren't perfect, im over emotional and hate talking about my problems, preferring to suffer by myself in silence over serious things, and he's complicated emotionally. Its not that he doesnt feel, of course he does, but the way he thinks and internalizes things makes it seem like he's cold, and we tend to clash over it but it wasnt much, at least not in my opinion. We worked, out interests were drastically different but it was almost complementary, he struggled with social issues, I picked up on them and acted accordingly. I suck at math or things that are overly technical, but he's a programmer, a coder, wouldve gotten valedictorian if our school didnt fuck him over... So, again, we clicked, at least in my eyes...

Things slowly turned sour when he began taking internships, talking about wanting kids, the type of house we'd get... I didn't want kids, and I hated the extra distance between us for each internship. I visited when I could and I loved every second of it but I wasnt sure, Ive always preferred adoption than having to go through the birthing process, I didnt want to deal with the early years of toddlers and dirty diapers... but slowly that changed, because it made him happy, and thinking about it... thinking of us, alone, dealing with a kid of our own... it slowly wormed its way into my head and heart.

Instead of shutting down the notions I began actively responding, teasing and joking about life when we finally moved in together. But my head wanted more, my mother didnt help, poisoning my mind with the ideals of engagement rings... I hate rings, I lost my senior ring and I didnt really care sense I didnt want it in the first place... but this stupid ring, this silly and overpriced piece of jewelry showing ones dedication to their lover? I wanted it... I didnt push it, hell I never said it out loud, but he noticed the lingering stares whenever we'd stop at a shop to get him new earrings or rings, and Id scan to see if I found something I knew I wouldnt get...

I knew things would come to an end soon, my brain has a beautiful ability to know when Im going to go through shit, and prepares me by giving me nightmares... It started, breakups, him leaving me for someone else, and Ive always been insecure, especially when we had a talk about him inappropriately dancing with a female friend of his, as well as other acts that for privacy's sake I wont divulge, but slowly crept in the back of my mind. The paranoia began.

He's been talking to me less, spending more time with his friends, and I didnt think much of it, he's graduating university, who am I to tell him not to have fun? Besides, most days I was tired from my shitty retail work so why not let him have fun when I cant call... but when we did, Id bring up thinking about us buying furniture together, how we'd decorate the house, when we had a wedding who to invite, how big to make it and we always agreed to keep it small... but he let me talk, oh, he let me yapp and hope knowing he'd leave...

So, he took a deal, a fucking great deal. A job offer of the century, and I couldnt be prouder. I just wish he had told me sooner, that he'd talk to me before making the decision. But he didnt, and he consciously made the decision not to discuss it, to just accept it and move away and I'd find out in a family dinner for my stepdad's birthday. A party I didnt want to invite him but gave in when he said he felt like I was making it seem like he didn't want to go. How I regret it.

So now we're here, still seeing each other, still holding each other, kissing each other, hell we even had sex like nothing is going on... but it kills me inside. Ive cried everyday for the past week, I cant tell anyone, I dont feel like I can talk to him anymore either. Hell, Ive succumbed to using Character AI rp's to cope by venting and ranting to my faves, but its not the same. Ive cried going to see him, Ive fought crying attacks when were together, I bawl on the drive back home, I cry myself to sleep, repeat until I either see him again or go to work, and then I suffer from random emotional spurts because my bods hates when my coworkers and I talk, so Im alone with my thoughts and I have absolutely nothing positive going for me right now....

He leaves in September but he's booked a few flights to go house hunting, as well as a vacation to go see family, so we dont get to see much of each other this summer I guess. He even planned all of it without telling me, when we kept planning during the semester and talked about going on a trip this summer, just us... I dont know what to do, 17 years of friendship and a an almost 4 year relationship (our anniversary wouldve been in September too, few days before my birthday, around the time he's leaving), all out the window... I want to scream, frankly I want to kill myself. I didnt want kids, a house, or want going through the troubles of painting walls and arranging furniture. I didnt want to share a space with anyone, make bug changes to my life in that way until you and now I cant have any of that anymore. You were the only person I trusted for all of this, the only person I saw myself with even until a week ago.

So thanks, and I can at least now say without fear, the bear wouldn't hurt me like this, betray me like this. I'd just be dead, and its looking like a damn good alternative right about now. I wish you the best, but I hate you.

#vent post #personal vent

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